#I just entertained myself with the idea of haru rescuing another prince

[catsafarithewriter]

“That’s the creepiest statue I’ve ever seen and it’s just casually sitting in your living room.”

A/N: Hello folks, yes I am still working on these; just trying to find the best angle (ie: funniest, fluffiest, or angstiest) to write these from, and this one definitely falls in the funniest category. I doubt this was what you had in mind, chez, but I think you’ll enjoy it regardless :)

Also apologies for the weird “keep reading” placement; tumblr decided to place it in the ask, and now I can’t remove it. :/

x

“That’s the creepiest statue I’ve ever seen and it’s just casually sitting in your living room.” Hiromi prodded the figurine resting along the bookcase and made a face. “His head’s too big for his body and he has the teeth of a chipmunk.”

Haru leant over and slapped Hiromi’s prying hand away. “That’s because he’s a nutcracker, Hiromi. He’s meant to look like that.”

Hiromi wrinkled her nose. “Even with those teeth, I don’t think it’ll do a very good job of cracking nuts.”

“It’s decorative.”

“You mean useless.”

“So is your lounge window, but you don’t see me judging you.”

“You did judge me.”

Haru rolled her eyes. “Okay, but you used the latch key as a screwdriver and broke it. How could I not judge you?” She shook her head and moved the nutcracker pointedly out of Hiromi’s reach. “Anyway, a friend brought him back from their travels as a gift, so he’s staying.”

“Which friend? The hot English guy or...?”

Haru regretted introducing Hiromi to Baron, even if he had been conveniently human at the time, because Hiromi had immediately latched onto the truth both her and Baron had been politely ignoring in that they were both head over heels in love with one another. Hiromi didn’t know about complications such as immortal lifespans or Creations and had shamelessly made it her personal project to get them together.

Haru didn’t meet Hiromi’s knowing gaze, and tried to remember if Hiromi had ever met Louise. “No, his, um, sister.”

“Oh. The hot English lady then.”

“Yes.”

“Is she taken or...?”

“She’s married, Hiromi.”

“Drat. She’s cute.”

“Yeah. And married.” Haru shooed Hiromi out of the lounge. “Now if you’ve quite finished judging my interior fashion design, we have a movie to get to, remember?” She grabbed her coat and passed Hiromi’s jacket across. Honestly, if that was how Hiromi reacted to a nutcracker, Haru couldn’t pretend to imagine how she’d respond to seeing Baron’s figurine form.

Perhaps it was just as well she’d met his “hot English guy” form instead.

x

It was midnight when Haru awoke to the sound of scuffling.

She turned over in her bed and watched her clock mark the passing of one day to the next, and mentally berated the Bureau. Seriously, was it that difficult to let her sleep? Or at least give her a warning before they crashed her place with news of a fresh case?

She admitted defeat and rolled out of her room, pulling her dressing gown tight around her and rubbing the sleepdust from her eyes.

“This better be urgent, Baron, or I’m going to tie all your bows into Gordian knots--” She froze.

She hadn’t stepped into a sheepish Bureau, as she’d been expecting.

Instead, she seemed to have stepped right into a tiny battle that was ensuing between an army of rats and the tin soldiers that Haru had bought for Hiromi’s next DnD session. She could see the remains of their packaging torn and ripped as if burst open from the inside.

“I’m still sleeping,” Haru muttered. “That’s it. This is a dream. This has to be a dream, because this is too weird, even for me, and I’ve almost been eaten by plants at least twice. I’m clocking out at rat wars in my lounge.”

A rat sank its teeth into her foot and she yelped and kicked the creature into the wall. Bloody bite marks decorated her skin. “Okay, maybe not a dream,” she grumbled. She inspected her foot. “You lot better not have rabies...”

There was a roar of triumph as several of the tin soldiers discovered the tactical merit of dropping heavy books on the rats below. Haru yelped as she spotted her signed book of urban legends get merrily tossed over the side. She snatched up the next upcoming causality before it could join the rest. “Stop that!”

There was a tearing sound, and Haru turned just in time to see a rat slide down the curtains, its claws leaving long slashes in the material. She slammed the book into the rat. “I have fought pirates and kings and slime monsters,” she roared, “and I am not going to let you be the ones to ruin the deposit on my flat!”

She gave the rat another hit and punted it across the room.

Just in time to spot the tin soldiers setting up the miniature catapult.

Haru took a moment to appreciate how they had managed to cobble together a working catapult from elastic bands, lollypop sticks, and a spoon, and then another horrified moment to register the eggs they were using as ammunition.

“Oh my god, don’t you dare--”

An egg hit her sofa.

Another the TV.

A third painted a very yolky picture across her window.

In fact, very few seemed to be actually hitting the rats they were aiming for. Trust them to have stormtrooper aim.

“Charge, men!” cried the de facto leader, armed with a fork and a head too big for his body. The nutcracker. Naturally. “Let’s show these rodents what we’re made of!”  

“If Louise had any idea about this...” Haru muttered mutinously. She admitted defeat and grabbed the communication gem Baron had given her to contact the Bureau. She was going to need some back-up. As it began to glow, there was a decidedly rodent cheer, and Haru looked up just as the nutcracker was captured by who Haru could only guess was the Rat King, given the crown seated atop his head.

“At last,” the Rat King gloated in a voice that made Haru wonder if he had been born with that voice, or had carefully cultivated it to fulfil his evil role, “I have you in my clutches! Now, should I turn you into matchsticks or firewood...?”

“Not on my watch,” Haru said and she grabbed the nearest thing to hand - her slipper - and pitched it across the living room. It slammed into the Rat King with about as much force as... well, a slipper. 

Maybe she should have grabbed a book instead. 

Regardless, she suddenly found everyone’s attention on her - a hundred beady little rat eyes and a dozen soldiers’ gazes - and raised her other slipper. “I’m warning you, I’ve got friends in the Cat Kingdom and I’m not afraid to call them!” She tilted her palm so they could see the communication gem, which was still glowing with no reply. 

She didn’t have to call her bluff, though, for the mere mention of cats sent a rattle of nerves flooding through the rats. 

“Cats?” she heard hissed. “The Cat Kingdom?”

“My aunt was eaten by a cat.”

“One caught my great great grandfather and they say it took an hour for it to finish him off.”

“A whole kingdom of cats?”  

“I’m not sticking around for them to arrive.”

“Me neither.”

Haru watched with surprised relief as the rats scurried away. 

“Wait!” the Rat King cried. “It’s a trick! She’s...” He trailed off as he abruptly found himself very alone and very outnumbered. 

Haru grinned and leant in to the Rat King. “This is the bit,” she whispered conspiringly, “where you run away.”

The Rat King gulped and nodded. “Okay.” He fell back onto all four paws and scampered after his minions. “Hey, wait up! Wait for me!”

With a fair bit of earned smugness, Haru straightened and smoothed out her dressing gown. “Not bad, even if I do say so myself... aww, I’ve got egg on this--″

“Lady! You have saved us!”

“--and I thought I was doing so well until then...”

“Our lives are in your debt!”

Haru blinked and registered the figurine that was currently hugging her leg. “Oh, right. Sure. All in a day’s work with the Bureau, now if you’ve got any solution for how to get egg out of cotton...”

“We must reward you!”

“Sure, sure, just buy me a new dressing gown and we’ll call it quits.”

“Such a trivial gift is not enough to show our appreciation!” the nutcracker cried. “I am the prince of the Doll Kingdom, trapped in this world until I defeat the Rat King who overthrew me, but now I can return home--”

Haru blinked again. Rapidly. “Oh no.”

“--and I shall do so with you by my side!”

The gem in her hand chimed, and Baron’s voice rose up. “Haru? Haru, are you okay? What’s happened?! Why are you calling in the middle of the night?!”

Haru wet her lips and raised the communication gem to her mouth. 

“Baron, you’ll never believe this,” she said, “but I’ve just rescued another prince...”