#I just don't know

[hacked-by-jake]

I posted my first Duskwood post on July 11, 2020.

I discovered Duskwood shortly after episode 2 was released.

Since then I'm here.

I got three Duskwood tattoos. (To be fair, one got a cover up but it wasn't anything huge so) But I still have two.

On July 18, 2022, I travelled 10 hours to visit Villingen-Schwenningen. The city where Duskwood takes place. I saw the fountain and the library. I saw the Gate Of Hope and the Rainbow Café. And I even saw the Grimrock Waterfall. Because it was my dream to see it.

And now, here we are. In front of this heap of shards.

Money making, using AI, deleting critical comments, probably buying fake follower etc etc.

I don’t want to act like I'm the biggest victim of this situation. I don't want to make it about me. And I also know that Everbyte won't see this.

And as I said... I still have hopes. Strong hopes. And I don't want to believe that this situation can't be solved. But I'm still sitting here and asking myself "What if they won't see their mistakes? What if they won't change? What if they really don't care about us"

Right now I'm holding onto the hopes. But if it turns out that Everbyte is the complete opposite of what we believed through Duskwood...

This all is going to feel like the biggest joke. ^^

[stars-forever]

It's been an honor...

After some thinking, I have decided that due to some personal things, I will be taking a Writing Hiatus. I don't know how long it will be, but figuring my last one was for over two years, there is a pretty good chance this one will be a couple months at the least.

All my mutuals on Tumbler, and friends on Discord, it's been an honor writing and getting to know you guys. I thought I should tag all of you so that you guys, don't worry if I stop posting. The flash fests, sprints, collab works, tag games, posts, and everything else were amazing and I had so much fun with you guys! I wasn't planning on taking this break until this morning, a lot has happened and I really need a break. But I am still going to read your works, share them, and leave comments.

Some things that I would like to point out before I stop writing:

I will not leave Tumbler, so feel free to tag me in stuff! I might not post/reblog as much as I used to, but I will still try to get on. Please know that I have a lot of posts in my queue currently, so it'll take about a week for them all to be posted.

You can still message me here on Tumbler, or on Discord. I will still be checking both of those accounts. Though I might be a bit slower for Tumbler.

I will still be a beta for your works and will continue to help you with it. I am not stopping being a beta, I'm just stopping writing. I will be taking fewer beta roles, though.

I will still be a mod for @pjo-equinox-solstice-exchange, and will still write a gift fic for the spring exchange.

I am still going to run @character-a-character-b, and all the Tumbler blog and the events that go along with it.

I will be going through my inbox soon and responding to any message I have there.

I will not be posting any of my works on AO3. I might decide to edit some of them and make them available for viewing again, but I will not be posting any new ones.

I will not be deleting any of my works. The last time I took a hiatus, I didn't delete anything, and I'm not going to this time. Yes, some of my fics were moved to collections where they cannot be viewed at this time, I was editing them but didn't have a chance to finish them.

I will not be deleting any of the requests that people have asked me for. They are so good, and I would love to write them when I am happier with writing. I am not leaving any of the Discord servers or Tumblr Communities I am a part of.

My last work as of now will be for @rynrising44 Flash Fest for @character-a-character-b. I posted a couple days ago before I decided to take a break. It will still be released as part of the event.

You can still give me asks for the writer asks game. Even if I'm not writing fanfiction, I'm still writing a novel so I don't mind talking about it! You can find them here!

I will not be taking part in any events other than, @pjo-equinox-solstice-exchange. There are a couple of events that I would like to take part in later this year, but I'm not sure if I am not going to take part in them.

I will still be approving comments on AO3. So feel free to leave them on any of the works I have posted there.

If you have any questions about this, you can always reach out to me.

I'm going to take this time to focus on my studies and the novel I am co-writing. I am going to come back to writing fanfiction, I have been since for years, but for now, I just need a break. I hope everyone can understand and I look forward to when am ready to join all of you in writing about our favorite characters.

My wonderful mutuals: @deception-united, @hellsresidentfallenangel, @theneverwriter, @alchemicalwerewolf, @zestialdragon, @eclipsingbingo, @blackwood4stucky, @evadne01, @evilwriter37, @queenofsliferred, @endlesstwanted, @bisexualbiancatruther, @littlelilliana15, @nothankyou543, @wyked-ao3, @rynrising44, @freddy-eynsford-hills-cuck-chair, @piperslovebot, @starlight-write, @teine-mallaichte, @fallenangelics, @fallenangelicss, @hallsoffandom, @cssnder, @the-ellia-west, @lexywrite, @illarian-rambling, @fractured-shards, @lumpofsand, @exactlydelicateflower, @jamestsmirk, @sizzlingkingdomsheep989, @fandomsandfoxlore, @redlion8123, @randyzdz, @sincerelyrushwriter, @lillyrosenight, @deadpoolredhoodwintersoldiergirl, @aleheartilly, @hamsteriffic, @emmaspersonaldiary, @akemisalem, @wendydarlingfics, @urnumber1star, @thedragonchilde, @scarletbeast, @hozier-cried, @midnightwhispersinthemoonlight, @abdquffa9, @bizships, @anamateurhumanbeing, @subukunojess, @otaku-girl-ao3, @igottherapy, @peri-crone-al, @winter-doggo, @huskyblader, @dawnepiphany, @busyasabbey, @1attheedge, @iputhepinprincess, @lilac-hecox, and @melvinjr23!

I hopefully this will tag everyone.

[mirror-and-mind]

Do you think he knows? Nakamura? Do you think he knows what he's doing? Because I know that sometimes creators just don't. The relationship between Mulder and Scully on The X Files led to the very invention of the term "shipping," and yet the entire time that was happening, the show's creator insisted that there was no romance between the characters. And if you've ever seen The X Files, you know how insane that is. So I really gotta wonder: When he gives us dynamics like those between Asa and Kame, or even those between the second Medicine Seller and Sakashita, does he know what he's doing? Or would he, if confronted with scenes of Asa and Kame's mutual self-sacrificial devotion, their tenderly holding hands as they lie beside each other through the night, insist that they're just good friends? Would he, if questioned about the Medicine Seller sensually running his hand along Sakashita's sword blade while looking deep into his eyes and smirking, declare that there's nothing homoerotic about it? Would he tell us—and truly believe—that it's all in our heads? Is the powerful presence of homosexuality in Karakasa an accident, or is it a calculated aspect of the story? I'm not wondering for the sake of some analytical interpretation (at least, not at the moment). I just really want to know. Is he oblivious, or does he know what he did?

[eachuisge-cc]

in addition to the usual hair swatches that the DigiLegs get, I'm working on swatches that match the feline skins, so they'll blend in and can be used together.

Because of this, and because these paws have shorter fur than the wolf or goat overlays, I'm using the composition method I use for the feline skin marking tats instead of the one I normally use for the leg overlays, so I have to color match the hair swatches all over again on nightmare mode. So yeah that might take a minute but it's underway.

[iztarshi]

87 Splinter is being hard to write because his thing is being Wise and Calm, but out of all Splinters he should be the least prepared for the stuff he winds up guiding the turtles through. He's just a guy who was teaching his clan's ancestral martial arts for cultural reasons. It doesn't seem like he was ever a soldier or a crime-fighter, definitely not an assassin (87 just straight up ignores what ninjas actually are a lot of the time). Despite his insistance on calling Shredder his "ancient enemy" Shredder was a surprise, there wasn't an evil guy who needed fighting until Splinter's student suddenly betrayed him and allied with an alien warlord.

Some of Splinter being Calm and Wise and always knowing the Right Thing To Do has to be a pose, right? He can't be feeling Calm and Wise all the time. He can't always be sure he's doing the right thing, although he certainly never apologises when he ends up hurting the turtles with his lessons.

Considering how gentle he is towards the turtles 90% of the time I feel like it must be intended for their sake. In an uncertain world he thinks they need an authority that can always tell them the right thing to do. His own uncertainty is something he can't show (and the few times we do see him uncertain it's on missions, especially ones where the turtles aren't present).

When I think about it the turtles are darling little guys, but they're also bigger than Splinter, capable of ripping through sheet metal, and went straight from animals to adolescents. Maybe that's another reason why he can be rigid about the moral code he imposes on them and about his own authority. We see mutants like Tokka and Rahzar and Slash who can cause a lot of damage without real ill-will just because they were suddenly thrown into a world they were unprepared for without guidance. Even though the turtles are never accepted into society properly, Splinter is very insistent on them seeing themselves as part of society, emphasising their usefulness to others as something they should be glad of. (Which actually strikes me as a very Japanese attitude, but since it's also an attitude seen in a lot of 80's cartoons that's probably a coincidence. It's certainly a contrast to the morals seen in Rise about "being yourself" and how it's a mistake to try to conform.)

I'm left with the feeling he'd be a very interesting character if the narrative didn't always go out of its way to agree with him. But I'm also at a loss for how he'd handle the kind of situations the narrative of his own show would never put him in.

[incesthemes]

as they suffer, they compare themselves to christ. but the difference between them is striking. crozier says he is (like) christ, while fitzjames insists he's not. it makes me think about authenticity: crozier is "real" while fitzjames is "fake." and this idea is brought up again in the show. in episode 1 crozier hesitates to stand in recognition for his feats of valor, and in episode 4 fitzjames himself questions him as to why he even volunteered for a voyage—one whose purpose is essentially glory and fame. crozier is therefore framed as someone who shies away from the spotlight and instead focuses on earnest, hard work to achieve his goals. he cares more about his work than the recognition for it.

fitzjames is his opposite: he is all vainglory and mirrors, achieving feats of valor just to spread his name and climb the social ladder. and he talks excessively of his accomplishments, to the point that it seems to disgust crozier in episode 1.

so here is christ and christ's imposter, suffering upon their cross as they seek redemption for their own transgressions. crozier overcomes his alcoholism, and fitzjames overcomes his vanity.

to be eaten is to disappear entirely, to be erased from the world. with his request to be consumed fitzjames does overcome his vanity. he gives everything he has and asks nothing in return, so he achieves the authenticity that crozier naturally has as the "real" christ figure. i have no idea where i'm going with this but i am staring wide-eyed at these parallels. i don't know. i just don't know.

[vaalthus]

Feels hard being a dragon age fan after the recent news not gonna lie.

[sweatersexual]

I'm not really liking Sazed's faith crisis storyline so far. It's just so . . . culturally Christian atheist bro-ish. Like, the Keepers are basically historical ethnographers, right? They preserved all these dead cultures in the wake of the Final Empire. They analyzed all the old religions for their cultural values, and they should be aware that because all these religions are dead, they're not able to see the interplay between doctrine and regular practice that you can in living religions.

So for Sazed to dismiss all those cultural values and complexities just because they don't meet up with some arbitrary standard of "truth" just . . . puts a bad taste in my mouth. You would think that a guy who helped overthrow a theocratic empire would be less invested in the idea of there being a "one true religion" that you can prove with #factsandlogic

And then there's what brought this all on. I'm sorry, but Sazed has seen death and brutality. He's watched people he loved die before. He really never cared about what happened to their souls just because he didn't have romantic feelings for them? Really?

I'm willing to see where Branderson is going with this, but idk man idk. Is Sazed going to found a new, totally logical alpha religion? I'm not sure how I feel about that. Because it could be cool, I imagine he would draw on the best stuff from all the religions he's studied, and it's neat to watch religious syncretism happen in real time. But idk if I'll like how Branderson handles it. We Mormons can get real weird about truth claims . . . I know he's a progressive Mormon now but I don't know where his head was at in 2008

[epickiya722]

Sometimes I look at memes like this and wonder why...

Though two comments are like "so we're gonna compare trauma now like it's a competition" and another was like how this meme implies Megumi had a better life. Which everyone who knows Megumi's backstory know his life isn't sunshine and rainbows.

Like, they're both victims.

[blackfemmejeanvaljean]

about 10 years ago or so I read a text post about how someone got a facebook message from one of their high school bullies apologizing for the being a bully towards them and the op said that even through the apology was nice and seemed sincere it wasn't what they needed and it didn't make them feel better at the time I was probably around 20 and those wounds were still fresh so all I could think is the bully was this selfish rotten person that was only messaging op to relieve themselves of guilt (because projection amirite?) so anyways fast forward 10ish years and I randomly thought of that post and I realized I'm not really angry at the girls that bullied me in school anymore. it was combination of being able to talk about the hurt and alienation I felt openly and honestly with therapists and friends, making genuine friends and having strong bonds, escaping my own nightmare homelife, doing the things I enjoy, getting help for my own mental breakdowns (and a lot of them were bad), plus just plain getting older and being able to see that even through I didn't deserve to be on the blunt end of their cruelty a few of these girls had rough homelifes that I won't go into detail about and the adult in me can see these were troubled teens not recieving the love and support and stability they needed. these now women (and at least one man 🏳️‍⚧️) are not people I want or expect an apology from. I wish them the best I hope they make it to a space where they can have the love and stability they needed as children/teens

maybe one day I can have that kind of deattachment from my parents as a small child I dreamt of the day they would be kinder and gentler and actually loving towards me and that girl is still there and she always will be then as I got older I wanted to leave and make them suffer and make them and realize what shittty parents they were and to a certain extent I did my sister told me that my aunt used to tell my dad he ran me out of town and I haven't talked to either one of them since september. it wasn't something I planned like most estranged adult children at some point I just so desperately want to move on. I wouldn't accept an apology if one was offered but the sick thing is I want one to be offered still I just want that kind indifference and willingness to quietly forgive like I have with my childhood bullies but the longest I had ro tangle with those girls was 2 years versus 20 years and ultimately I didn't expect anything from them so them denying community when I was younger hurt but I was still able to grow up and move on. I just don't know if I'll ever move on from being denied love from my own parents. I hope and hope and even pray that I'll wake up 10 years from now forty and just having my broken heart be patched over

[thelittlestspider]

i truly think there is something wrong with me bc the idea of dating freaks me out so much and i don't know why

[triestodraw]

New to Tumblr, and I have absolutely no idea how to start!! How do I introduce my blog!? 😭

Hello world! 😃 You can call me Rin! I'm an artist with dreams of becoming a cartoonist. This is where I'll share my journey, and this is my first cringy post! 😅 On that note, is there a community for artists who are looking to make their own webcomics but don't know where to start?

[allastoredeer]

Discussing fandom and its trends is one of my favorite things 🤓 I hope you don't mind me sharing some of the pseudotheories and pseudoanalyses I've seen before (to me they're all fun and I don't think they should be taken 100% seriously, please no one be offended)

1 The name of the boat that goes first is the favorite.

Quite funny in my opinion and from what I have seen it is not necessarily false, but many times it is that putting it differently sounds *wrong*, especially when they are combinations of the name

(Although after seeing that apparently apple radio and radioapple are not the same now I need an explanation of what radiosilent is as opposed to radiostatic)

2 The sub is The favorite

The first time I saw this was in a SW comment thread with a Chinese reader who was commenting with the author about top/Bottom preferences for the language and commented on this theory. They said that the Bottom gets all the love and since you want your favorite character to be adored that's why you write it like that

3 you project yourself into the Bottom

This came from another fandom, things got heated and toxic and a common accusation from a ship is that half the ship "had no personality" and they were using it to project themselves into a relationship whith the top

Personally I think they are all true to some extent, but I also see them as renunciationist and I myself am not without my own prejudices.

Part of the problem is that in relationships m/m and w/w, they continue to be written as one part a hairy-chested alpha male and the other part a blushing, submissive (and I have a weakness for ABO bulbs but there the problem is worse). In the case of radioapple Alastor has been reduced to his ego and need for control (so he could never let go. And is there something strangely allosexual about the way they write it?) and Lucifer to his depression (so he needs to be adored... And the truth is, I do think 3 applies here)

With what we see, I think that Lucifer has no problem being at the bottom, but his preference is at the top, even bordering on the Dom.Lucifer has insecurity and depression but he also knows he is powerful and we see him being authoritarian even if he later recants.He seems to be the type who would enjoy being the one to give pleasure to his partner, but I also don't see him giving up control easily when there are already so many things in his life out of control.Lucifer doesn't want someone to come in and take control by emptying his head, he wants something he can control and show exactly how good he is at it.

Alastor, on the other hand (this is where my prejudice comes in): what does he gain by being the top? Some kind of power play? Because I feel like Alastor can find that high without involving genital play.How ace (and probably aroace and almost certainly on the gray or demi side for most fics to work) Alastor would need something more to really get involved like that, which is why I feel like the top Alastor fics almost always feel too Allo for my taste, he just fucks like anyone else.When Alastor is the Bottom the writer gives him a little more nuance.

So that's my two cents to the discussion 🙃

Honestly, I think you're on point with most of these. (I too would like to know the difference between radiosilence and radiostatic - i see a lot of different names pop up for Alastor/Vox, whether its reciprocal or unrequited, and I can't keep up with it. I think radiosilence means the attraction is one-side? Maybe?? I think??

I can see the logic behind people having their fav be the bottom because they want them to feel loved and adored. I, too, am guilty of this. It also probably helps that the top is usually depicted as doing most of work LOL (Bringing Doms and Subs into this, there are a lot of fics that explore sub-drop, usually with their fav character--which I totally get--but it'd be interesting to read more fics that explore dom-drop too).

Personally, I've never felt any real attraction towards the characters I like, so I've never projected myself as a bottom or top through a pairing to be with one of the character. I project my insecurities and life experiences on them 🤓☝️ LMAO same basic concept, just a different shades But characterXreader fics/posts are super popular! So, I see that one too.

Part of the problem is that in relationships m/m and w/w, they continue to be written as one part a hairy-chested alpha male and the other part a blushing, submissive (and I have a weakness for ABO bulbs but there the problem is worse). In the case of radioapple Alastor has been reduced to his ego and need for control (so he could never let go. And is there something strangely allosexual about the way they write it?) and Lucifer to his depression (so he needs to be adored... And the truth is, I do think 3 applies here)

Very much agreed. I enjoy Omegaverse fics too, but it's one of those fanfic tropes that I'm picky about. It needs to be written a certain way for me to really enjoy it.

I don't know, just the default that one person has to be dominate and the other has to submissive never sat right with me. For a long time, I was super squicked out by even the thought of being in a relationship because of this. I'm a small person, most people are taller than me, and I'm pretty thin, so the mental assumption that I'd have to be "the submissive one," considering that's what almost always happens in these depicted relationships, made me feel so much anger, anxiety, and discomfort. I hated the thought that that's what would be expected of me. (Personal lore drop: considering I also grew up in a hyper-religious, extremely patriarchal town, the expectation felt 10x worse and 100x more real. I dreaded getting older and starting romantic/sexual relationships).

Also, yes, with a lot of top!Alastor content I've seen, there is something very strangely allosexual about it. Or, at least that's how it comes off to me. Asexuality is a spectrum, so there's no "perfect" way to be ace, it's just...there's just something about it that feels very allosexual, and maybe why I keep shying away from it. It squicks me out a bit, ngl.

People keep saying they see Lucifer as a switch, and funnily enough, it was actually confirmed by Vivenne Mendrano that he canonically is a switch! Of course, if people want to see him exclusively as a bottom or top, that's fair. You do you, boo. We're here to have a good time. But I'm very happy with his canon sexuality, so that's where I keep him. I can see him as a sub and a dom, too.

I also see Lucifer as the type who enjoys giving his partner pleasure! Be it bottoming, topping, subbing, or domming. He'll try out kinks and position and role-play, because I headcanon him and Lilith having a very healthy, very explorative sex-life. They were freaks in the sheets, and they tried all the new, crazy shit sinners brought with them into Hell.

I keep Alastor exclusively as a bottom, though. Some of it is because I see him being kind of grossed out with the idea of a part of him going into someone else (hello self projection!) but I also see him generally being sex-indifferent. Like, he'll have sex, and he'll enjoy it, but it's not something he typically seeks out for himself. Maybe once in a way, when he's in the ✨mood✨ he'll initiate. If his partner wants sex and he doesn't, he's not forcing himself. If his partner wants sex and he's kind of just vibing--not feeling horny, but not really against it either--yeah, he'll have sex. It's not like he's getting nothing out of it, he still feels and enjoys the pleasure in the act, even if he's generally indifferent towards doing it.

If he's comfortable with it he'll even indulge their kinks (and indulge his own 😉 not all kinks have to be sexual, afterall. And even if his are, that is still valid and does not take away from his sexuality because aces can still have sexual kinks 🫵 I'm looking at you, people who assume aces can't have sexual desires). (I also gave Alastor a power kink 😏 because I think he'd be into his partner displaying immense amounts of power. It doesn't even have to be directed at him. He'll watch his boo destroy a city block and then fuck them later because that was hawt.)

A lot of it could also be because he feels too allo for me when he is written as a top. Lol "he fucks like everyone else," is a very good way to put it 😂 When he bottoms, it feels like he's written with more of his ace-identity in mind, which I love!

But also, I like Alastor being a bottom just because. I vibe with it. 'Nuff said.

Thank you for your two cents!

[madeforunkownpurpose]

U could be a girl. Like, if you wanted to be a cute girl, you could do it. Tbh be careful you're in a safe zone w/ regards to having a support system or being able to find a new one, worst comes to worst, but you'd be a great girl. Idk if you need dysphoria tbh, do you like the thought of being a cute girl? it's achievable

-- a man who transitioned the other way round w/ minimal history of dysphoria and is still happy w/ the choice (also idk I know gals who are also multigender, you don't have to be just a girl all the time if that's not your joy)

I think I'd be completely safe if I were to. I just don't know if I'd regret it or be wrong. I'm just nervous.

[ace-and-ranty]

So I just recently quit a job.

It was relatively chill, with pretty good pay for the amount of work involved. But see, before that job, I've scheduled my own work hours for every job I've ever had. Since I worked mainly translation, well, clients don't care when you're sat down in front of the computer working, as long as they get things by deadline.

The fact that this job had specific working hours, during which I was expected to have my butt sat at the computer, was driving me insane.

It gave me the kind of low-level but constant anxiety that is the bane of my existence. It's the kind of anxiety where I cannot disconnect, I cannot relax, because I know in X hours I need to be at the job, and I hated it so much I, an extremely non-confrontational people pleaser, scrapped together the gumption to quit.

Why am I telling you all of this. You wonder. Well. Because for years now I have wondered, on and off, if maybe, perhaps, I'm like, a little bit autistic? I feel insane, in that I don't relate to a lot of the struggles autistic people often mention, but I feel just weird enough, just a-bit-to-the-left enough that I don't feel neurotypical, and I don't know what's going on there.

And well, one of the struggles I never connected to is "need for routine" because hum, no, actually, I've never really felt the need for a lot of routine. But oh? What's this? Now there's an expectation for how I gotta use my time, so my schedule is out of my control? And it's making me itch out of my fucking skin? How curious??

All to say, yeah, I don't know what's going on under the hood. But thank God for flexible working hours.

[hotcheetohatredwastaken]

what do you think the links favorite memes are?

I gotta be honest, I've left this sitting in my ask box for like a few days now because I have /no/ idea. I vaguely think that Wild is the "we back at it at Krispy Kreme" vine, but that's just because of those old videos of "Linked Universe as Vines" on YouTube. I mean I could regurgitate those if you wanted. "Hey, how you doing well I'm doing just fine I lied I'm dying inside" Time and stuff.