#I improvise a new piece of lore I didn’t know my story needed and then I just can’t be stopped

[netscapenavigator-official]

Convincing myself to start writing is like a cat anxiously stepping on a piano.

But once I get started? Mama, that’s Mozart. And good luck stopping me. It’s 5am and I can’t stop, won’t stop.

[orangeoctopi7]

A Negligible Price

I guess it’s becoming a tradition for me to add another chapter to A Minor Inconvenience every year for @stanuary . I swear I didn’t mean for this to happen. It’s just that the prompt “Sacrifice” got me thinking about this story and where I thought it could go, and then I got writing and I started coming up with ideas for how I could actually put a finish to this story. So yeah, hopefully it won’t be another year before I post chapter 4, but not promises!

Also, first time I’ve had to do this, but:

CONTENT WARNING: DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE/MARTYR COMPLEX AND SUIDICE ADJACENT THEMES.

* * *

Bill rushes to gather himself together again. Now that Sixer and his idiot brother have caught on, he knows they’ll probably be making a move against him soon. The time for lying in wait and keeping a low profile has passed. He’s been getting faster, better at finding the tiny flecks of gold scattered into the dark abyss below. 

Unfortunately that also means that he’s noticed that some missing pieces just never turn up. As an interdimensional being who’s existed in countless dimensions across innumerable timelines, Bill likes to think he knows himself pretty well now. What he’s made of, how much power he’s accumulated, what he’s capable of. And if he had to estimate now, which he does, he’d say he’s been reduced to maybe a third of his power. Roughly two thirds of him are missing. 

What happened to those missing pieces? Were they simply deleted by that memory eraser? Did he leave some of himself behind in that physical form he left to enter Stan’s mind in the Fearamid? Bill can only guess, but really, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. What matters is getting out of this moron’s brain and starting again on his path to a universe free of rules.

* * *

Stan recovered from his latest memory lapse quickly, despite the fact that it was the worst one he’d experienced since he sacrificed himself to the memory gun last summer. The experience had clearly put Ford on edge, and as much as he tried to bottle up his emotions and remain calm, Stan could practically feel the panic coming off him in waves. 

They were both relieved when they reached Spitsbergen. There was a hospital in Longyearbyen, where Ford insisted they stop to give Stan a check-up. Stan felt fine, but if it helped ease Ford’s nerves, then he could sit through a check-up.

Explaining Stan’s condition to the doctor was a struggle, considering English was not his strongest language. They definitely got across that Stan was experiencing memory problems, but the doctor seemed to be under the impression it had been caused by an injury to the head in an accident, rather than a purposeful exposure to a memory-erasing device. 

Eventually, Ford had lost his patience and just asked if they could use the CT or MRI machine themselves. The doctor spoke enough English to tell them that the nearest CT or MRI machine was in either Iceland or Russia.

The elder Pines twins left the hospital in low spirits. Ford kicked at little pebbles as they walked down the street.

“There’s a research facility in Ny-Ålesund. Perhaps we could sail up there and commandeer some equipment to rig up our own CT scan…”

“I think it’d be easier to just hop on a plane back to the States at this point.” Stan suggested.

“If we’re going to hop on a plane somewhere, it’ll be to Reykjavik, where we won’t have to pay an arm and a leg for any treatments.”

“Yeah, we’ll just have to wait half a year.” Stan rolled his eyes. “I don’t think they’re gonna take ‘revived demon in my head’ as an urgent need.”

“Probably not…” Ford admitted.

“And you’re sure you didn’t figure anything else out the last time you were pokin’ around in my head?”

Ford grit his teeth. The truth was, he was afraid what would happen if he tried to revisit that memory. The cold flames of the memory eraser had felt so real, even just revisiting it in Stan’s mind, and they seemed to be the trigger of his latest memory lapse. Would they have a similar effect within Ford’s own memory?

“Nothing I’ve been able to make sense of.”

Stan grit his teeth. “So what now? Just leave that jerk in my head?”

Ford sighed. “I want to do some more research into what we’ve learned so far. Perhaps a trip to the library will help me find some insight. But truthfully… I may have been too hasty with punching out Bill, when I encountered him. He’s a liar who can’t be trusted, but he’s also a braggart. If I’d just let him run his mouth a little longer, we may have learned something about what he’s up to.”

* * *

Longyearbyen’s library wasn’t any bigger than the public library in Gravity Falls, and had significantly fewer books relating to Bill and mind magic, but it did at least have access to several library databases that Ford couldn’t typically log into from the Stan’O’War II. (According to Fiddleford, these databases could be hacked into quite easily, but Ford didn’t have the time or the wherewithal to learn how) It would have to do for now. Ford took a seat at a computer, and with a little help from a librarian, he was soon scrolling through peer-reviewed articles from different archeologists and anthropologists and folklore experts and descendants of the Aztecs and Mayans debating who Xolotl was, what his role was in the Aztec religion, how much his lore changed from Pre- and Post- Colombian invasion, and so forth. 

What he’d learned so far was interesting, to say the least. The things that most people agreed upon was that Xolotl was a god of death, fire, and lightning. What caught Ford’s attention was the fact that they were also the god of twins and deformities. He glanced down at his twelve fingers, which rested awkwardly on the small keyboard meant for people with just ten. It seemed odd that Bill would call on this particular death god, when they seemed far more likely to be a patron to Stan and Ford. 

While Ford puzzled over this new information, Stan browsed the library, looking for something to entertain himself while he waited. Unsurprisingly, there weren’t a whole lot of English books in this Norwegian library. Luckily, it wasn’t long before he stumbled upon an extensive comics section. Even though he still couldn’t read most of them, the pictures were at least enough that he got the gist of what was going on.

 European comics were very different from American comics. They featured a lot less costumed superheroes punching bad guys and a lot more weird, quirky characters setting out on adventures and exploring the world. They also seemed to lean more heavily on comedy rather than drama. Stan decided he liked them.

He’d been looking at a story about some rich duck when he noticed he felt odd. He didn’t know how else to explain it other than to say that his brain felt itchy. The more he concentrated on it, the more it faded away, but when he went back to looking at the comic and got absorbed back into the story, it came back.

After almost an hour of the feeling coming and going, Stan decided he was not imagining the sensation. He stuffed a tissue into the comic as a bookmark and got up to see what Ford would have to say about it. Almost as soon as he laid eyes on his brother, a wave of anger washed over him. Just like the itchy brain feeling, it went away almost as soon as he stopped and thought about it, but it had been so strong, that he couldn’t deny it had happened.

“Hey.” Stan tapped his brother on the shoulder as the old researcher skimmed an article about why the Aztecs associated lightning with twins.

“Hmm?” Ford acknowledged him without looking away from the screen.

“Am I forgettin’ to be mad at you about somethin’?”

That got Ford to turn and look at him. “Are you having a memory lapse!?”

“I don’t think so, but just a second ago I looked over at you and I felt really mad all of a sudden. Can’t really think of a reason why, though. I’m just wondering if maybe the other day, when I had the big blank-out, maybe we missed somethin’?”

The old researcher’s face contorted with guilt. “You have ample reason to be mad at me. I didn’t stand up for you when dad kicked you out. I never reached out to you for over ten years. I expected you to drop everything and help me with my problems without any explanation. I refused to thank you for saving my life--”

“Yeah, no, none of that stuff.” Stan shook his head. “I remember all that stuff, and I’ve already forgiven you and junk. Mmmm… did you try to enchant the mop again and not let me remember it?” But even as he joked that the underlying reason must be the latest chapter in a minor argument, he knew that couldn’t be right. The sudden bloom of anger had been much more deep-seated and horrible than that. It had felt like… it had felt like Ford had ruined everything. 

To be fair, there had been a long period of Stan’s life when he had felt like Ford had ruined everything. But Stan was over that now, and this brief brush with anger had felt even more heated than that.

Ford gave him an appraising look. “Were there any other memories or emotions associated with this feeling?”

“Oh yeah, my brain was feelin’ itchy right before that.”

“Have… you been using shampoo?” Ford asked, unsure of what to do with this information.

“Not my scalp, genius, like the actual thinking part of my brain!”

“... I can’t even begin to guess what that means.”

“Ugh, I don’t know how else to describe it, ok? It’s like somethin’ was squirmin’ around in my mind!”

The brothers wore twin expressions of realization as the words left Stan’s mouth. 

“We need to get back to the boat.” Ford stood from the computer desk abruptly.

“Yep.” Stan set the comic he’d been reading down on the desk, not even bothering to remove his improvised bookmark. 

* * *

Bill throws his hands up and roars in frustration. He can’t seem to take control, even when the moron’s mind is zoning out, losing himself in some stupid comic book. He’s already in the mind! He’s been here for months! He knows his way around here. So why isn’t it working? Is it because he never made a deal with this guy? That shouldn’t matter! The last thing they did before the whole memory gun thing was shake hands! 

There's no time to waste complaining, though. Sixer will be poking around here any minute. Bill needs a plan. Before, he'd spent millions of years in the Nightmare Realm planning. Now he's making everything up as he goes.

It's clear that Bill can't just take control of Stan like he'd been counting on. But do the other two know that? He might still be able to use that to his advantage.

If Bill is going to trick these losers and get out of here, he needs to play his opponents right. Luckily, he's got years of experience fighting against Sixer. It's the Big Mackerel that he worries about. 

Before, Bill hadn't paid much attention to Stan. He thought he understood what made the simple con man tick. But then, in the end, he found he didn't understand at all. Even after months of being trapped in his mindscape, Stan is very much still a mystery to Bill.

But there is one thing about Stan that Bill does understand.

He’s willing to sacrifice himself for his family.

* * *

Once they were back aboard the Stan’O’War II, Stan allowed himself to relax, just a little. At least here his surroundings were familiar, and the only person he had to worry about was his own brother.

Under normal circumstances, “the only person he had to worry about” meant he didn’t have to look over his shoulder for law enforcement or old criminals who might recognize Stan from his drifter days. 

Today “the only person he had to worry about” meant the only person he could possibly endanger if Bill was able to take control of him. Ford was the last person Stan wanted to put in danger, but he also had to admit, his brother knew more about the demon than any other living being on the planet. 

Stan may have been able to relax a tiny fraction once they were back aboard their boat, but not Ford. Ford was in full-blown panic mode.

He frantically searched around the storage room for something, anything, that could help protect his brother from Bill. Unfortunately, they hadn’t thought to bring unicorn hair or moonstones on their voyage. He did have titanium, but he wasn’t confident enough in his emergency medical knowledge to perform cranial surgery on his own, and he doubted they’d be able to find a doctor crooked enough to do it for them. Currently, his best idea was to build an updated version of Project Mentem, but that would take time. Time he wasn’t sure Stan had.

“I can re-enter your mindscape and shatter him again.” Ford decided, pulling out the candles again. “That should at least buy you a few days.”

“Ok.” Stan nodded. He’d definitely prefer to know Bill was shattered again, and not moving around in his brain. “But it’s not like he’s doing anything right now.”

“He’s probably trying to get us to lower our guard.” Ford assumed. “I’ll need to tie you up. He usually makes his move while his victim is asleep.”

“If I need to fall asleep for your spell while tied up, we’re gonna be waitin’ a long time.” Stan warned. “I dunno if I could even fall asleep right now if I had the world’s most comfortable bed.”

“Fair point.” Ford nodded. “I may have to drug you.”

“You gotta be kidding me!” It was abundantly clear that Ford was not kidding in the slightest.

“Would you rather be used as his puppet!?” The old researcher shouted. The outburst rang in the air for a few seconds while Ford tried to steady his breathing. “Stan I… I’m sorry, I just--”

“It’s ok.” Stan pulled him into a hug and tried his best to calm his brother down. “I know you’re just scared.”

“I’m not scared for myself.” Ford explained in a small voice. “I’m scared for you. Waking up to find that you’ve hurt someone, it’s-- I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, least of all you--”

“Stanford, look at me. We’re not gonna let that happen. What if we do it while I’m awake, like we did with the memory before?”

Ford nodded meekly. “That… that could work.”

“You can still tie me up if that makes you feel better.”

The old researcher bit his lip. “...It shouldn't be necessary...”

“Ford.”

“...But it probably would ease some of my fears, yes.” he admitted.

“That’s what I thought. I’ll go get the rope.”

Still unwilling to let his brother out of his sight, Ford followed Stan up to the deck while he retrieved said rope. Once they were back below deck, he wrapped Stan tightly in a large blanket before sitting him down on a chair and tying him up, to ensure he was as comfortable as possible while still restricting his movement.

“How do you feel?” Ford asked as he lit the candles.

“Like I’m about to be shipped back to Oregon in the mail.”

“And Bill…?”

“I haven’t felt anything else from him since we left the library.”

The lack of activity should have reassured Ford, but instead it just added to his general unease. At least he was able to compose himself enough to perform the incantation.

Just as last time, after a flash of light, he found himself on the deck of Stan’s mindscape, with Stan himself standing beside him. This time, though, Bill was floating there, waiting for them.

“I KNEW YOU’D BE BACK HERE AFTER I GOT YOUR ATTENTION IN THE LIBRARY!” The demon taunted. “OH, AND LOOK. STANO HERE EVEN MADE A MENTAL CONSTRUCT OF HIMSELF WITHIN HIS OWN MIND JUST SO YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO FACE ME ALONE! HOW CUTE!” He prodded Stan in the stomach like he was the Pillsbury Doughboy.

“Back off, bucko!” Stan threatened. “We’re here to break your whole face!”

“WHAT, YOU COULDN’T WAIT UNTIL TONIGHT TO DO IT IN YOUR DREAMS LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO?” Bill asked, voice dripping with false innocence. 

“We’re not able to risk the chance of you parading about in Stanley’s body.” Ford growled.

“HA! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN ANYONE, FORDSY, I ONLY DO THAT TO STUBBORN KNOW-IT-ALLS WHO WON’T WORK WITH ME WILLINGLY.”

“If you think I’m gonna work with you willingly, then you’re an even bigger idiot than I thought.” Stan grunted.

“HEAR ME OUT, MAC! WE BOTH WANT THE SAME THING HERE! ME, OUT OF YOUR SAD PATHETIC MIND!”

“You can’t leave!?” Ford asked in surprise.

“WHAT, YOU THINK I ENJOY SPENDING TIME IN THIS BOZO’S MIND? YOU THINK I WAS PLOTTING MY REVENGE?”

“Honestly, yes.”

Bill gave a long, mocking laugh. “AHAHAHAHAHA! YOU REALLY THINK I CARE ABOUT A COUPLE OF INSIGNIFICANT FLESH SACKS LIKE YOU?”

“We’re the insignificant flesh sacks who killed you!” Stan reminded him.

“WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY. THE BEST REVENGE IS LIVING WELL.”

The brothers exchanged a suspicious glance. They highly doubted Bill actually believed that adage.

“BUT I CAN’T EXACTLY LIVE WELL TRAPPED IN YOUR MINDSCAPE. I MIGHT GET BORED AND DECIDE THE BEST REVENGE IS KILLING YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY WITH YOUR OWN HANDS.”

Ah yes, that was more along the lines of what they expected from Bill.

“So you’re saying you’ll just let bygones be bygones if I cooperate with you?” Stan asked skeptically. 

“WE’LL GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS, NEVER TO MEET AGAIN!”

“And what are you planning on doing once you’re free?” Ford asked coldly.

“NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, SIXER.” The demon waved him off. “NOW ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME OUT OF HERE OR NOT? THE SOONER THE BETTER. YOU TWO AREN’T GETTING ANY FURTHER AWAY FROM THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY OF A HUMAN MALE, AND FISH FACE HERE DOESN'T EXACTLY TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIS BODY.”

“Hey!” Stan shouted indignantly.

“Why should Stan’s life expectancy factor into this?” Ford asked.

“HMMM? OH, NO REASON.” Bill said evasively. “I’M JUST, Y’KNOW, IN A HURRY.”

“You’re an immortal, extradimensional being. You’ve been trying to find a way out of the nightmare realm since before multicellular life developed on this planet. If you’re so sure we’re close to the end of our lives, why not wait until we’re out of the way? You must realize we’ll try and stop you from starting Weirdmaggedon again!” Ford reasoned.

“WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT STARTING WEIRDMAGGEDON AGAIN?” Bill denied. “AND MAYBE AFTER A BILLION YEARS, I’M TIRED OF WAITING!”

“Unless you aren’t immortal any more.” the old researcher concluded.

“YOU’VE SEEN FOR YOURSELF, FORDSY, EVERY TIME YOU OR YOUR IDIOT BROTHER SHATTER ME, I PULL MYSELF BACK TOGETHER.”

“Immortal in the mind, perhaps. But what happens when the mind you’re occupying finally dies?”

“ALRIGHT, YOU FIGURED IT OUT!” Bill sneered. “I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN A GENIUS LIKE YOU WOULD. YEAH, MY LIFE’S TIED TO THE BIG MACKEREL’S NOW. SO WHAT? YOU GONNA KILL YOUR BROTHER JUST TO GET RID OF ME?”

“Of course not!” Ford barked.

“Hey, I’d be more than happy to take you down with me if it meant making sure you never hurt anyone else ever again!” Stan challenged the demon.

Ford stared at his brother with wide eyes. “Stanley, no!”

“Hey, relax, I’m not talkin’ suicide or anything.” Stan assured him. “But he’s right about one thing. I’m not gonna live forever.”

I’ll only do it if I have to. A stray thought cawed overhead.

Stan cussed under his breath as Ford gaped at him with a mix of alarm and pity.

“I’m not gonna take it back.” Stan insisted after a moment. “If that’s what it comes down to, to keep him from hurtin’ you or the kids, then I’m taking him down with me.”

Ford placed his hands firmly on Stan’s shoulders and looked him straight in the eye with all the intensity he could muster. “We won’t let that happen!” 

Bill laughed at them cruelly. “RIGHT, CUZ YOU’VE HAD SO MUCH SUCCESS STOPPING ME IN THE PAST.”

“I’ll find some other way!” Ford insisted.

“I’M SURE YOU COULD, WITH TIME.” Bill agreed. “BUT I’M GONNA STRANGLE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP BEFORE THEN!”

Not if I strangle myself first! Another one of Stan’s stray thoughts called.

Ford gave his brother a frustrated shake. “No! Stanley, I swear to you, that won’t be necessary!”

“Alright, that’s it. We’re not havin’ this conversation in my brain, where you can hear all my unprocessed thoughts.” Stan decided.

Suddenly, Ford’s form and everything around them flickered and began to fade to white. Stan and Bill were the only ones who remained solid and whole. Stan was waking up? But he’d never been asleep before the spell in the first place!

“Don’t you try any funny business!” Stan pointed an accusing finger at Bill. “I’m coming back to shatter you into a million smaller pieces as soon as I fall asleep tonight!”

[thatgirlonstage]

@fluffyblue-multifandommess so I tried to save your ask in draft at one point while I was working on answering it (it uh.... got... long on me) and fortunately I didn’t actually lose it but it did fuck the formatting to hell and I couldn’t fix it, so I just copy-pasted into a new post entirely; sorry about that.

@fluffyblue-artnwriting asked: I'm thinking about possibilities for a wangxian Witcher!AU and I can't decide which one of them is the Witcher because on one hand WWX has a personality way closer to Jaskier but ALSO the whole Public View Of Witchers Is Shit thing parallels demonic cultivation nicely.... And THEN I thought, but what if LWJ is the witcher and WWX is... like Yennefer. Then who would take on the bard's role... IDK. Maybe NHS? I like the idea of LWJ&NHS friendship A Lot but their dynamic would be very different from Geralt and Jaskier’s obviously. However that all works out, one thing is obvious; A-Yuan is Ciri.

*rubs hands together* Okay hear me out: WWX as the Witcher and LWJ as the Bard, but paralleling a sort of Jaskier/Geralt roleswap AU. The one where Jaskier is a witcher and Geralt is a bard, albeit a much more subdued type of bard, the kind who sits in the corner of an inn and strums his songs and gains a reputation as this guy with a deep, husky (well, Geralt is husky, LWJ in this instance is more… warm and round) kind of voice who is maybe not the best for a jig but whenever he sings he has a way of just making everyone stop and listen. He tells stories with his songs, and he makes people want to hear them. And he doesn’t really like to stick around after he plays, he doesn’t want to be dragged into every piece of gossip and every scandal of every small town he visits, he prefers to meet people privately and gather his stories thoughtfully and carefully before he sets them to music. But one day after his set, just as he’s packing up, this has-no-fear witcher sprawls himself across the table nearest the bard and calls for a drink and a meal for the man who sings so beautifully, golden eyes glowing (like the sun, Lan Wangji thinks, like he wants to light the world around him, not hellfire and brimstone like he’s heard). So he takes the meal but turns down the drink and requests instead to follow him for a day and see if there’s a story waiting in the witcher’s company.

And there is, there’s dozens of stories, but more importantly there is Wei Ying with his golden eyes and bright smile and fierce whirling swords, and the way he laughs and waves it off when the innkeepers throw food in his face or people lie about what they agreed to pay him or even when he is literally stoned out of town. So Lan Wangji vows he will write songs about the witcher, about the children he saves and the long nights in the mud and the wilderness, about stitching his own wounds back together because not even a doctor will touch him. He will write songs so beautiful it will make grown men weep, he will write songs so popular that no one will be able to get them out of their heads, he will write songs for noble and common alike, he will make people stop looking at Wei Ying with fear and revulsion if he has to play until his fingers bleed.

(“Lan Zhan, why do you write so many songs about me?” Wei Ying laughs as he asks it, the question only half serious.

“I write songs that I want people to hear,” he answers, and Wei Ying’s mask slips slightly to the complicated face beneath the smile.)

(He writes one song that is not about him, but for him. One song that no one else will ever hear.)

(“Wangji, be careful with your songs,” his brother tells him, but it doesn’t stop him.)

(Oops it got long, more under the cut)

I am vaguely aware from fanfic that there was at some point, some kind of attack? On the witchers? A bunch of them were wiped out? This would be a lot easier if I knew more lore and history but I want to read the books now* so I’m not gonna spoil myself by looking at the wiki (I also imagine with the number of different canons that looking at the wiki is likely to confuse me more than anything). But anyway: the destruction of Lotus Pier.

Lan Wangji eventually meets Wei Ying’s family, Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli, two other witchers, three of very very few witchers left. Jiang Cheng fights monsters with a whip that crackles with purple lightning. Jiang Yanli uses potions that make her monstrously strong, and drips poison on her blade. Lan Wangji asks Wei Ying why his swords seem perfectly ordinary, if largely too heavy for the average man to swing about with ease, or why he doesn’t use the same potions and poisons Jiang Yanli does, the ones she warned Lan Wangji not to touch lest they burn his skin. He asks why the scars in his skin seem so much deeper, like they took far longer to heal. Wei Ying laughs it off and hastily changes the subject.

(Netflix told us fuck all about witcher lore so I am kinda flying by the seat of my pants here and also this is a more subtle version of losing his core. But the idea here is that WWX gave up some degree of witcher magic that would have allowed him to use magic weapons/the potions. He’s still unnaturally strong, he can see in the dark, he can smell out monsters, but he’s not quite what a full witcher should be.)

One time, when they meet in a roadside inn, Wei Ying seems fit to burst with excitement at seeing him. He pulls him up to his room before Lan Wangji can protest and takes a glossy black flute from his saddlebags. “Teach me to play it, Lan Zhan?” Golden eyes shine like the first glimmers of dawn. “I’ve always wanted to learn music but the witchers never allowed it, and now I’m never in one place long enough to learn.” He has a way of talking around things, Lan Wangji has learned, when it’s something that he fears will evoke pity. Lan Wangji knows that no community suffers a witcher to stay a day longer than necessary, and that even if he managed to earn his keep in a borderland city or somewhere like that, somewhere he could return every month or so, no one would take a witcher as a music student. “But we travel together all the time!” Wei Ying is saying. “So you can teach me!”

Lan Wangji takes the flute, examining it. “I do not play the flute,” he says. Wei Ying’s face falls.

“Oh,” he says. “Right. I thought about getting a guqin like yours, but it’s too bulky to carry with everything else, and I’d be too worried about breaking it when I get in fights…” He reaches for the flute, but Lan Wangji does not return it.

“My brother plays. I took some lessons with him when we were children. I remember the basics. I will teach you.” And Wei Ying lights up again, the sun coming out from behind a cloud.

He’s fumbling at first, his ear unused to the difference between flat and sharp, his fingers unaccustomed to the delicate pressure needed. But he’s a fast learner, and his hands have always been clever. Soon, the days that they travel, when they don’t end in monster hunts, they end in music, in quiet evenings around a campfire, improvised duets weaving through the smoke.

One time, when they meet out on the road, both chasing the same rumor of a cockatrice (well, Wei Ying chasing the rumor, Lan Wangji chasing Wei Ying), Lan Wangji takes out a newly purchased jian and says “Will you teach me?” He doesn’t expect the horror and sadness that spasms over Wei Ying’s face.

“Lan Zhan,” he says, more somber than Lan Wangji has ever seen him, “you don’t have to kill monsters to travel with me. You don’t have to kill anything.”

“Mn. I have no wish to kill. I only want to be able to defend myself, so that you do not have to risk yourself if I am in danger.” Wei Ying still looks hesitant, but he brightens considerably, and agrees to teach Lan Wangji the basics of swordplay. He is not starting from scratch — he learned a few things growing up the child of nobility — but it has been many years since he has been near anything more serious than a bar brawl or a mugging. He is also a fast learner, and so long as Wei Ying does not use his witcher strength, after enough practice Lan Wangji holds his own and even puts Wei Ying in the dirt from time to time.

As for Yen, I actually really like NHS as Yen? He grows up in a family where he was supposed to swing a sword he never wanted to pick up, and he hated it so much that one day he simply teleported away. By the time Nie Huaisang makes it back home, his brother has a plan. He has recently thrown out the Unclean Realm’s Brotherhood advisor, Meng Yao, for treason. If Nie Huaisang has the spark, then Nie Mingjue will send his defenseless little brother to become a powerful mage, and then he can be the Unclean Realm’s advisor. So much easier when things stay in the family. So Nie Mingjue writes to one of the rectors, Lan Qiren, and secures Nie Huaisang’s place in the school. Nie Huaisang goes, and he is a shuddering, tearful mess, and he seems to survive by the skin of his teeth, and not even his classmates notice how skillfully he learns to make the world dance with a crook of his finger.

Years later, Lan Wangji accidentally destroys an amphora containing a djinn. He, in a fit of anger, speaks carelessly for once in his life, at the worst possible moment he could have done so. He rides back into town as fast as Wei Ying’s horse can carry them. He hears of a mage who might be able to help. “No mages,” Wei Ying tries to say, but there’s barely enough air in his lungs to force it out as words. Lan Wangji drags him to the mage’s door and begs for help. Nie Huaisang does it out of curiosity more than anything. Never met a witcher who couldn’t guard their mind before. What happened to your magic?

Get out of my head, Wei Ying thinks, but he lets the mage heal him.

“Why no mages?” Lan Wangji finds the courage to ask, much later, months later, fingers trembling over his guqin with the paralyzing shame of his actions. Wei Ying looks away and tells him the story of two siblings — Wen Qing and Wen Ning — marked as cursed, tells him the head of the Brotherhood, Jin Guangshan, sent his nephew Jin Zixun to kill them for fear of what they could become. He walked into the middle of the conflict. Both Jin Zixun and the siblings asked him for his help. Wei Ying chose the Wens. He killed Jin Zixun. The mages declared him an enemy. When Jiang Cheng tried to protect him, they nearly killed him. To repay Wei Ying, Wen Qing saved Jiang Cheng’s life. But no magic comes without a price, and the price for this was Wei Ying’s witcher magic. Afterward, Wei Ying demanded the Jiang school of witchers disown him, and make peace with the Brotherhood, for everyone’s sake. To cement the peace, Jiang Yanli married a mage and Jin Zixun’s cousin, Jin Zixuan.

(Lan Wangji understands, now, why he’s only every met Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli in the wilderness, and then only rarely, why Wei Ying has pleaded with him not to write songs about them, why his brother tried to caution him away, why his uncle seems so exceptionally chilly on the rare occasions they see each other.)

(Nie Huaisang learned Wei Ying’s history while he was poking through his mind. He laughed when Wei Ying asked if he was going to kill him. “Your friend promised me gold and music if you live,” he said. “I would far rather have that than the dubious honor of giving your head to Jin Guangshan on a platter.”)

(It was Jin Guangshan, after all, who — with someone whispering in his ear, Nie Huaisang is certain — noticed how dangerous letting him go home to his brother would make the Unclean Realm, and instead contrived to send him to the ends of the earth, where Nie Huaisang elected to abandon his duties and the Brotherhood.)

Wen Ruohan rules Qishan with the defected Brotherhood mage Meng Yao by his side. He has found and welcomed back his distant relatives Wen Qing and Wen Ning, in the years since they met Wei Wuxian. Hearing their stories, he sends an invitation to the Black Wolf Witcher, to come visit his kingdom. Wei Wuxian pleads and cajoles Lan Wangji into going with him because really Lan Zhan, do I seem like I belong in rich halls among the nobility? I don’t even know what shirt to buy.

(Okay I am about to careen wildly into Simply Making Shit Up that only has a passing resemblance to either canon, bear with me.)

Wen Ruohan, in the midst of his entire court, demands Wei Wuxian choose a reward for saving Wen Qing and Wen Ning’s lives (Wen Qing saving Jiang Cheng’s life is not, cannot be public knowledge). Wei Wuxian tries to demur, but Wen Ruohan refuses to exist in anyone’s debt, let alone an outcast witcher’s. Somewhat desperate and on the spot, Wei Wuxian invokes the Law of Surprise. It can’t be seen as insultingly low or high in value, and he figures at most he’ll get a puppy from the next litter of Wen Ruohan’s hunting dogs, or something equally inane, and they can all call it even. Unfortunately for everyone, Wen Xu’s wife chooses this exact moment to become spectacularly ill, the first sign other than a late period that she is pregnant with Wen Ruohan’s first grandchild. Wei Wuxian flees. He spends a lot of the next few years fleeing.

(“Come to Gusu with me,” Lan Wangji pleads, some time later, on top of a mountain.

“No,” Wei Ying tells him, not because he doesn’t want to, not because he wouldn’t leave the path if he could, but because he can’t stop running, because there are too many maligned creatures who don’t deserve death and too many monsters preying on innocent people that do, because if he doesn’t help them who will, because how can he stop, because he’s terrified of stopping.

“I cannot watch you destroy yourself, Wei Wuxian.”

“Then leave, Lan Wangji.”)

It ends in fire, when Wen Ruohan grows too power hungry, and the Brotherhood turns on him with the Unclean Realm and Lan Wangji’s family on their side, and it turns out that Meng Yao’s defection from the Brotherhood was an act (some of the time? all of time?) and he’s been spying (for years? for months?). Nie Mingjue manages to pull his brother out of exile in return for his help against the Wens, although Nie Huaisang is doubtful about the merits of this.

Wei Wuxian is there when it happens, having been dragged reluctantly back by the strings of fate and the nebulous tie to a child he has never met but who is still a child and doesn’t deserve to die in the coming carnage. Wen Ruohan locks him away for trying to take his grandchild — and heir, after both Wen Xu and Wen Chao perish on the battlefield. He escapes while the city is sacked, but doesn’t manage to find Wen Yuan before he’s fled the city. Instead he finds Wen Qing and Wen Ning, and defends them from the mages when they come into the city. It would’ve been a futile effort, if not for Nie Huaisang and — surprisingly — Meng Yao, who had been at court with them for years at that point, and — even more surprisingly — Jin Zixuan, who has had years of cajoling from Jiang Yanli at this point, stepping to his side. It’s enough that they’re allowed to leave unscathed.

Wen Yuan, meanwhile, meets an elf boy called Jingyi, flees through the fields of refugees, and learns that he has the same kind of magic or curse he heard people whispering about his relatives Wen Qing and Wen Ning having.

Wei Wuxian, Wen Qing, and Wen Ning find A-Yuan in a destroyed field, lost but alone no more, and he runs into their arms.

Aaaaaaaaaand I have run out of Witcher canon, and this is also OBNOXIOUSLY long by now, so uh, pending part two, maybe, when s2 happens/when I read the books, whichever comes first

[aion-rsa]

The 25 Best SNL Holiday Sketches

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The holidays are a special time around 30 Rock. While tourists flock to see the towering Christmas tree, the Saturday Night Live writers room is busy thinking of holiday sketches you’ll reminisce about as you put up the stockings for years to come. Some of SNL’s all-time great sketches illustrate the best of the holiday spirit or lack thereof as show’s biggest stars often shined the brightest just before the New Year. 

From unlikely Santas to unorthodox gift-giving, we’re looking at 25 of our favorite Saturday Night Live holiday sketches. We’ll be going in chronological order here. There is a big dose of modern stuff in there, but what can I say? The show might be more miss than hit these days, but they really hit it out of the park year after year with the Christmas sketches.

Santi-Wrap (1976)

Very early in the show’s run, we get this classic where an adult woman (Laraine Newman) is all about sitting on Santa’s lap like when she was a little kid. The initial laugh is that before sitting down, she puts pieces of toilet paper on Santa’s leg for protection, like one would do in a public bathroom. Dan Aykroyd, her companion on this trip, seems shocked by this. Not that she’s trying to protect herself from germs, but because she’s not going far enough!

Suddenly, it turns out to be a commercial for Santi-Wrap, a festive and plasticky take on toilet seat covers. Not only do those two sell the product concept so well, but John Belushi as the mall Santa pushes it further by coming off as a complete disaster of a man who is probably riddled with disease.

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One of the show’s all-time best line deliveries is Belushi’s drunken, “Ho ho ho…” which has both defiant gusto and the sense that he’s seconds away from vomiting all over himself.

Mr. Robinson’s Christmas (1984)

Saturday Night Live has been a stepping stone to superstardom ever since Chevy Chase became a household name during its first season. In the 80s, Eddie Murphy’s recurring roles on SNL helped raise his profile as he eventually became one of, if not the biggest star of the decade. It was around Christmas time when Murphy’s spin on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood became one of the sketches that came to define his tenure at Studio 8H.

Mr. Robinson’s neighborhood isn’t quite as nice as Mister Rogers’ but at Christmas time you have to make the best with what you have. Mr. Robinson was able to do that with a chunk of lettuce and a headless doll and Murphy was able to make the most of every opportunity he had on SNL.

It’s a Wonderful Life: The Lost Ending (1986)

If you’ve seen the 1946 American Christmas classic It’s A Wonderful Life, odds are you’ve been inspired by its heart-warming ending. Thanks to SNL and host William Shatner, we now have footage of the “fabled” lost ending to Frank Capra’s Christmas epic and it’s anything but heartwarming. Rather than end the film with everyone coming to George Bailey’s aid in his time of need and celebrating his lifetime of selflessness and kindness, it decides to give Mr. Potter a fate more explicit than being doomed to failure and loneliness. Phil Hartman pops in as Uncle Billy and not only remembers what happened to the missing money, but knows exactly who has it!

Dana Carvey makes the sketch as a George Bailey hell-bent on revenge. It just wouldn’t be Christmas without seeing him give Mr. Potter a beat down alongside his bloodthirsty loved ones.

Master Thespian Plays Santa Claus (1987)

Jon Lovitz’s characters were usually very hammy by design. Whether he was a pathological liar or the Devil himself, he always went to 11. One of his better recurring characters was Master Thespian, a scene-chewing Shakespearean actor who takes himself and his roles far too seriously.

In this installment, he would be playing the role of a mall Santa Claus.

Thespian doesn’t seem to have heard of Santa, but he’s down for the part. Finding out that there’s no actual script, he improvises and figures out the character via making mistakes and getting scolded by the Macy’s manager (played by Phil Hartman, choosing to base his performance on Frank Nelson because why not). To his surprise, Santa Claus actually LIKES children! These are notes a performer needs to know, man!

Seeing him play off the kids and Hartman is a blast. Speaking of which, one of the better gags is a fart joke that somehow proves how great an actor Master Thespian truly is. THANK YOUUUUUU!

Hanukkah Harry (1989)

Santa Claus (Phil Hartman) is violently ill with the flu, so it seems Christmas might be cancelled. Luckily, there is one man capable of fulfilling his obligations through the same kind of holiday magic. Hanukkah Harry (Jon Lovitz), Santa’s Jewish counterpart, is called in to help.

At its core, it’s a lengthy sketch about Jewish jokes and how lame Hanukkah is outside of it lasting eight days. Springing off of that, it actually makes for a really good, if a little touching, holiday story. There are definite laughs in there, but what was created to be a parody hits a little too close and becomes a genuine gem celebrating both holidays and the spirit of togetherness.

“On Moishe! On Herschel! On Schlomo!”

Motivational Santa (1993)

What started as a pep talk for troubled teens turned into Chris Farley’s iconic recurring character. Matt Foley, the thrice-divorced, sweaty, overweight man who lived in a van down by the river, crashed into our living rooms in 1993 and remained a fixture on SNL until Farley was fired from the show in 1995.

Sometimes a sketch is so successful that the writers are almost forced to bring one or more of its characters around again and Matt Foley was no exception. In one of the funnier times Matt Foley returned, he was hired to spread Christmas cheer as a motivational mall Santa, offering up this gem:

“‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the van Your ol’ buddy Matt fell asleep on the can. His children were nestled two time zones away, With his first wife and her husband, in sunny L.A. Matt woke up and realized with a chill and a quiver That he was living in a van down by the river!“

Though many of the same jokes and physical gags are recycled, Farley’s effort, from the painfully high pitch of his voice to crashing down the chimney, earns the Motivational Santa a place in SNL Christmas lore. 

Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song (1994)

Yes, we’ve heard Adam Sandler’s “The Hanukkah Song” a million times over, but we shouldn’t let that cloud our judgement. It’s one of the first clips that pops into your head when you think “SNL Holiday Sketches” and it will go down as a landmark moment when the history of “Weekend Update” is written 200 years from now. Sandler didn’t use his time to evoke images of being a Jew at Christmas, rather he chose to praise the Festival of Lights and name-drop all the famous people who celebrate it. Since debuting the song in 1994, Sandler’s updated it for his comedy albums and standup routine and given Jewish kids something other than “The Dreidel Song” to belt during during the holidays. Sandler’s clever, original moment is about as influential as it gets for any not-ready-for-prime time player.

It did lead to the movie Eight Crazy Nights, so it isn’t free from sin.

TV Funhouse: Fun with Real Audio (1997)

It’s rare for SNL to get poignant, but here’s a fantastic example. In this animated short, Jesus Christ returns to Earth and spends the first opening minutes being ignored and shoved into the background for disagreeing with televangelists who use his name to line their pockets with donations or to justify their hatred of homosexuals. These bits are, of course, animated over actual audio of said real life sociopaths. Jesus is able to give them their just desserts with his divine magic, but it bums him out.

Walking the city streets, unnoticed by the public at large, Jesus watches Christmas-themed TV through a store window and is disappointed with what he sees. That is, until he comes across Linus’ speech at the end of A Charlie Brown Christmas and we get a final moment that’s adorable, uplifting, and pretty hilarious.

NPR’S Delicious Dish: Schweddy Balls (1998)

The dry, NPR-host banter between Ana Gasteyer’s Margaret Jo McCullen — who cheerfully admits that she leaves tap water and rice out for Santa because “Christmas foods really wreak havoc on the ol’ digestive system” — and Molly Shannon’s Teri Rialto as they discuss delectable Yuletide “balls” with Alec Baldwin’s Pete Schweddy is a can’t-miss skit. The trio makes monotone an art form, while remaining dedicated to the naivety of the characters involved. (In response to Alec Baldwin’s, “But the thing I most like to bring out this time of year are my balls,” their faces barely twitch.) It’s double entendre at its finest, and never fails to leave me in stitches.

Pete Schweddy returned in another episode where he introduced the women to his hotdogs, but having them show so much interest in putting his wiener in their mouths was a little too easy a joke to pull off.

I Wish It Was Christmas Today (2000-the heat death of the universe)

On one December episode, there was a short segment of Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan playing a catchy, albeit incredibly stupid song about Christmas being on the way. Sanz played a skinny guitar while singing, Fallon occasionally pressed an elephant noise button on the keyboard, Kattan held the keyboard while shaking his head, and Morgan danced with a look on his face like he got dragged on stage against his will. It was silly and would have probably been forgotten soon after.

Instead, they returned a week later and insisted on playing it again despite being explicitly told not to. Soon they would start playing it during non-December months to show Christmas’ superiority over other holidays. After Simon Cowell insulted the group, he sheepishly agreed that he wanted to join them and broke out some maracas. One year, when Sanz was the only one left in the cast, he replaced his buddies with Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, and Animal while Kermit the Frog danced in a way that you have to wonder if a Muppet is capable of snorting coke.

The song still gets brought out now and then, usually on Fallon’s show. It’s even been covered by Julian Casablancas and Cheap Trick of all people!

They did sing a completely different Christmas song one time, but nobody cared.

Glengarry Glen Elf: Christmas Motivation (2005)

Alec Baldwin seems to be the go-to host for classic Christmas sketches. Playing on his iconic Glengarry Glen Ross character Blake, Baldwin (in a way) reprises the role as 615-year-old “elf from the home office” sent to straighten out the subpar work of Santa’s elves. There couldn’t have been a more perfect break in character than when Baldwin says “Always Be Closing” instead of “Always Be Cobbling” as scripted. It’s a slip-up that makes for a perfect holiday sketch, full of deep-bellied laughs. 

TV Funhouse: Christmastime for the Jews (2005)

Not only is the witty “Christmas for the Jews” written by comedy legend Robert Smigel, but it’s sung by David Letterman’s Christmas angel Darlene Love. In “Christmas for the Jews,” the characters see “Fiddler on the Roof,” grab an early dinner, and enjoy dreamland Daily Show reruns. It’s an intriguing and catchy look at the other side of the Christmas season, complete with a very Rankin-Bass animation style.

Digital Short: Dick in a Box (2006)

Justin Timberlake is one of the most entertaining, versatile hosts that SNL has been gifted. A member of their prestigious Five-Timers Club, “Dick in a Box” is Timberlake’s most memorable sketch, filled with skeevy, disgusting come-ons from Andy Samberg and Timberlake, which has been viewed just millions and millions of times. In 2006, Timberlake had already impressed critics and viewers alike with his acting range in Alpha Dog, but his comedic turns on SNL solidified him as an actor. Timberlake has done a lot of impressive things in his time as an entertainer, but there are few more enjoyable (or laughable) than “Dick in a Box.”

These two R&B weirdos would return later on to sleep with each other’s moms as reciprocated Mother’s Day presents and later swear that being in a two-guy/one-girl three-way isn’t considered gay.

John Malkovich Reads ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (2008)

As quipped by the man himself, no one emits Christmas spirit quite like John Malkovich. This admission yields the self-reflexive irony of Malkovich reading “The Night Before Christmas” to the children of SNL’s staff. Malkovich, pausing during his reading of the holiday classic, asks the children about the suicide rate rising during the holidays, talking about how shooting a home invader in California is “perfectly legal,” musing about how the tonnage of Santa’s sleigh and reindeer would (scientifically speaking) burst into flames, how in Portugal their version of Saint Nicholas steals children’s toes, as well as reciting the gem: “You know what they say about hopes; they’re what we cling to when reality has left us nothing else.” If you’re in a lighthearted Christmas mood, Malkovich’s monologue is certainly one to enjoy.

Stefon on Holiday Travel (2010)

Bill Hader was highly respected for his versatility and range during his time at SNL, but it was his improvisational skills that turned a Weekend Update bit into a must-see recurring segment. Stefon, likely the defining character for SNL during the 2010s thus far, informed New Yorkers and tourists alike of the city’s hottest nightclubs – with Hader almost always breaking down in laughter as his cue cards were frequently changed from the rehearsal to throw him off.

Stefon knew how to get weird and you can imagine he’d save some fun things for the a “classic New York holiday.” Make sure to check out the Lower, Lower East Side dump hosted by Tranderson Cooper or find a club with the right amount of Puerto Rican Screeches or Gay Aladdins. Just don’t run over the Human Parking Cones.

Stefon would return with more Christmastime insight three years later, where he’d discuss a club called [loud Tauntaun noises], founded by Jewish cartoon character Menorah the Explorer.

Under-Underground Crunkmas Karnival (2010)

Good God, I wish there were more Under-Underground Records sketches. As a parody of the Gathering of the Juggalos, we’d regularly see DJ Supersoak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) excitedly talk up huge concert events that are needlessly violent and inexplicable in their randomness. For instance, there’s the Crunkmas Karnival, which features such musical acts as Dump, Boys II Dicks, Scrotum Fire, and…Third Eye Blind for some reason.

It’s just a bunch of loud humor that goes back and forth between being stupidly hardcore and being meekly out of left field. Yes, you can go check out a “dong tug-of-war,” but you can also see a special 2D screening of the Owls of Ga’hoole or meet Spaceballs star Pizza the Hut. Not to mention the return of their most fondly remembered running gag, the endless undying and dying of Ass Dan.

This Christmas-based event will take place in February. Sounds about right.

Ornaments (2011)

Every now and then, SNL will do a sketch towards the end of the show where the guest will talk about whichever holiday is coming up and awkwardly go into one of the aspects of it, such as Easter eggs or Halloween candy. In this instance, it’s Steve Buscemi unloading a box of Christmas ornaments and commenting on each one. All the while, Kristen Wiig plays Sheila, his girlfriend who appears to be more than a little off and doesn’t quite grasp tree decorating.

Buscemi’s descriptions range from delightful non-humor to outlandish and disturbing. He might make an intentionally lame joke about one ornament before holding up another and matter-of-factly letting you know that, “I put this one up my butt.”

And somehow he’s still the straight man in this bit.

You’re a Rat Bastard Charlie Brown (2012)

This sketch is centered on Bill Hader playing Al Pacino, playing Charlie Brown. The rest of the cast turns out bang-up impressions as well: Jason Sudeikis playing Philip Seymour Hoffman playing Pigpen, Kate McKinnon as Edie Falco playing Lucy (as Charlie Brown’s drug peddling therapist, causing a holiday-blues Charlie to say, “Oh yeah…I want something to take me sky high!”), Martin Short playing Larry David playing Linus, Taran Killam doing Michael Keaton as Schroeder, and Cecily Strong as Fran Drescher as Charlie Brown’s mother, all performed in front of a baffled childhood audience.

For anyone who grew up watching Charlie Brown and Co., watching Bill Hader/Al Pacino/Charlie Brown unleash the expletive-laden “You’re gonna hold that f***ing football?!” towards Kate McKinnion/Edie Falco/Lucy, and saying, “Ow, you bitch!” after she pulls it away is absolutely to die for.

Jebidiah Atkinson on Holiday Movies (2013)

For a time, Taran Killam played Jebidiah Atkinson, a Weekend Update character based on how an old newspaper editorial was discovered that panned Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. Atkinson, somehow still alive, would appear and read review snippets about other big speeches he hated.

One of his return appearances had him discuss holiday specials and movies. Every single one of them he hates. Every single one of them gets roasted. His vicious energy is so over-the-top that the good jokes land and the bad jokes still get a laugh from the misplaced confidence. Over these several minutes, he screams about how much of a depressing bore A Charlie Brown Christmas is, how the Grinch stole a half hour of his life, and how every time they play It’s a Wonderful Life, an angel blows its brains out.

This one is admittedly a bit dated with its biggest joke, where his distaste for Snoopy is so great that he wishes Family Guy killed him off instead of Brian. The horror from the audience still makes it worth it.

St. Joseph’s Christmas Mass Spectacular (2014)

Ah, Christmas Mass. The drum solo for every childhood during Christmas time. It’s uncomfortable and especially boring. Ergo, liven it up by framing it as a big, in-your-face event via what amounts to a monster truck rally commercial!

It’s a brilliant use of contrast. Take an event that is so mundane with so many familiar and shared experiences and treat it like it’s some extreme thing. The familiarity of the pastor making corny jokes that get the most minor of laughs is treated like a once-in-a-lifetime event. It shines a light on the weird tics of the prominent people you see at church and feels amazingly universal.

The SNL cast is fantastic here, but the MVP is Cecily Strong as the middle-age woman who is way into doing a reading in the loudest, most overly articulate speaking voice possible.

Sump’N Claus (2014)

Getting gifts from Santa Claus is great and all, but when you grow up, you realize how hard it truly is to be nice all year round. Luckily, there’s an alternative. Introduced via an extremely catchy song, we meet Sump’n Claus (Keenan Thompson), a pimp-like offshoot of Santa who not only used to work for St. Nick, but also appears to have some dirt on him.

Sump’n Claus sings several verses about people who have had breakdowns and would be thrown onto the naughty list. Sump’n Claus doesn’t care about that. You be you. Every December, he’ll still be there to hand you an envelope full of twenties and fifties. He’s the holiday mascot for adults, basically.

One of the highlights is how he mentions that Santa is not your friend as friends don’t watch you while you’re sleeping.

The Christmas Candle (2016)

Christmas has been saved by many different things: ghosts who see through time, an angel trying to earn his wings, a reindeer’s glowing nose, New Yorkers singing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” and so on. Then again, sometimes you need a savior for something with lower stakes.

In the form of a mid-1990s all ladies group that gives me kind of a Celine Dion vibe, we’re given a wonderful song that starts with the tale of a woman who had to get a coworker a gift for Secret Santa. She found an old peach candle in her closet and just gave her that. The second verse is a similar situation where not only is a peach candle given as a throwaway gift to an acquaintance, but it’s THE SAME candle. Yes, somehow this one peach candle is re-gifted across the globe through latter December by women and gay men who couldn’t be bothered to put thought into their presents.

Truly a miracle.

First Impression (2018)

Beck Bennett plays a guy about to finally meet his girlfriend’s (Melissa Villaseñor) parents and he’s nervous as hell. She assures him that he’ll be fine, but he really wants to impress them. Sure enough, he tries to impress them in the weirdest way by hiding somewhere in the house and speaking in a high-pitched voice in order to dare them to find him. Her parents (Jason Momoa and Heidi Gardner) are notably confused, as is she.

It’s already a strange and silly bit, but Jason Momoa shifts it into gear by suddenly being COMPLETELY into it. Removing his jacket with purpose, Momoa excitedly starts searching the house for this guy. The fact that Momoa is playing an overweight 60-year-old man is enough of a novelty, but he brings this oddball zest to the role as he starts to literally tear the home to pieces in order to get a look at his daughter’s elusive boyfriend.

The boyfriend’s plans here are both overly complicated and half-baked, culminating in an ending that’s as happy as it’s inexplicable and off-putting.

North Pole News Report (2019)

When Eddie Murphy returned to SNL, there was much fanfare. A completely solid episode, it admittedly spent too much of its runtime revisiting his old recurring classics like Mr. Robinson, Gumby, and Velvet Jones. The final sketch of the night goes full blast with his manic energy as he plays an elf eyewitness on the elf news, screaming bloody murder about a horrible tragedy. Mikey Day is reporter Donny Chestnut, looking at the destruction of a toy factory. As he tries to make heads or tails of what’s going on, Murphy bursts onto the scene, screaming about a polar bear attacking the elves and eating them like Skittles. And just screaming in general.

The best line comes from the elf (who keeps declaring, “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT MY NAME IS!”) bringing over one of the survivors, and noting that, “This white, teenage elf girl ran out here, straight up to me – a black elf in sweatpants – and asked me to keep her safe. That’s how bad it is!” Despite this elf being right about the situation, Donny Chestnut keeps trying to sideline him for being increasingly erratic about Santa’s potential role in the slaughter and what it means for Christmas. Even as he trips over some of his lines, Eddie Murphy is so damn precious here.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

December to Remember Car Commercial (2020)

It might be in bad form to include a sketch from this very year, but man, this joke is not only long overdue, but the acting is top notch. Heidi Gardner’s barely repressed rage is something special.

You’ve seen the commercial a million times. It’s Christmas morning and someone reveals a brand new car to a loved one. As part of Lexus’ December to Remember, Beck Bennett reveals a brand new Lexus with a giant bow to his wife (Gardner) and their son (Timothée Chalamet). What initially appears as shock turns out to be fury and confusion over what is a selfish and short-sighted decision. Buying a car is a huge deal and isn’t something you don’t tell your significant other. More than that, Bennett’s character hasn’t been employed for about a year and a half and has no way of affording such a thing. The thread is pulled away, unraveling both how much of an idiot he is and how doomed their family life happens to be.

Then neighbor Mikey Day shows up and it hits another level. Beck Bennett is the expert at playing guys with misplaced confidence who haven’t come close to thinking things through.

The post The 25 Best SNL Holiday Sketches appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[aboleth-eye]

Hello! Would you have any advice for new DMs/things you wish you had been told when you started DMing? I'd like to try it myself, but I've only ever been a player, and just figuring out where to start is a bit overwhelming! Thank you in advance!

Great Question!  Here are my Lessons Learned from when I ran a game for the first time!  

There are Four Lessons I wish I’d known when I got started:  Have Your Resources Handy, Start Small (3 Parts), Things Go Awry, and Have Fun Together!   ((This is going to be a very long post, so I’ll cap it a little less than halfway down))

1.)  Have Your Resources Handy!

If this is your first time running a Tabletop RPG system, even if you’ve been playing for years, HAVE THE BOOK(S), WEBSITE(S) AND/OR PDF(S) NEARBY!  I’m serious about this, guys!  Playing a game or watching someone else play is a totally different monster to running it!  

When you first declare to the group that you’d like to host a game, I recommend you read the rules over at least two or three times before hand–start with a deep read first to get it all in your head, and then you can choose to speed read once you’ve had some time to digest the rules.  

But even if reading ttrpgs is your thing, have the resources within easy reach.  Either have your laptop available with open tabs to any pdfs/scans of the game source material and any relevant websites (like standard reference document pages), and/or have a physical copy of the game book with you.  If you are running certain monsters or encounters, I also recommend you copy down any stats and information to a separate text document (on laptop or printed) so you won’t have to page through stuff during the game.

2A.) Start Small: The Setting

If this is your first time or fiftieth time running a tabletop roleplaying game, and you are running a new system for the first time, limit the scope of project to start.  Writing campaign and world settings can be very intense, and it is very easy to write something too specific and railroad people into your lore and world.

For instance, don’t create a massive world with a continent of named cities and landmarks!  Don’t plan out every inch of your world, or else it’ll turn into a “fill-in-the-blank exploration” story instead of an organic world you can change as your group learns and grows!

My first campaign started in a very specifically written city on the edge of a vast magical desert.  I planned out a timetable of events that would catapult the players into the “open-world”.  The players noticed this and didn’t appreciate it. 

Also, do not bog your players down with Lore!  I’ve gone into campaigns where you need to know information “for backstory”!  This is your first campaign, it’s good to know what to introduce and when!  A group of starting adventurers typically doesn’t need to know your world’s entire array of deities, pages and pages of history, and legends “that shaped the world”!  You can introduce these things at character creation IF THE PLAYERS ASK, and then slowly dish things out as the characters live in your world.

It’s also good to not ties yourself down to specific placement of towns, countries, cities, landmarks, etc.  Leave the map blank save for the starting area, and any broadly defined areas such as forests and mountains.  Once characters finish their first missions and adventures, they’ll explore!  With all the “white space” of your world, you can insert places and things as you journey with the group!  

One of my favorite encounters when I was very new to D&D was when we accidentally burned down a forest.  We were fighting a massive tiger with a pixie NPC in a forest, and the pixie just trapped everyone (tiger included) in entangling vines.  Our pyromancer in the party tried to set the beast on fire, and they rolled a critical failure.  

The beast was set on fire and died!  And so did the pixie!  And now there’s a raging forest fire we have to run from!  We get an oxcart running and we take shifts to outrun the magical fire–FOR THREE DAYS!  It was an incredibly tense situation, and it was fun to add “an entire forest” to the pyromancer player’s list of things they set on fire.

You know what would have made all that suck?  If the DM had decided: “Okay, you pass through this location which is a lich’s hideout and have to face that; then the next day you’ll have to ford a river with the tired oxes.  Finally, you’ll be passing through this county’s border…”  

We just burned down a placeholder  forest, and all the consequences that came with it came AFTER we were finally safe!  The DM didn’t bog us down with heavy lore and their maps during a tense situation; they kept the focus on the action at hand.

Prioritize the players’ story before your own!  That’s the lesson I want to make absolutely clear.  You aren’t telling your story with friends as the characters; the Dungeon Master/Game Master/Storyteller is the worldbuilder who tells the character groups’ story as they interact with the world.

2B) Start Small: The First Encounters

Another item I want to bring up is Do Not Start Your Campaign with a “Unique Encounter”!  Start your campaign setting with a simple task for the players to face.  Here are the kinds of challenges I mean: defeat a bunch of zombies in a graveyard for a reward, go into a mine full of bats to retrieve a homing beacon, follow a simple mystery to find a girl’s lost dog, etc.  The Players’ should be introduced to your world with something simple to follow–that way they can make their marks and introduce how they roleplay to the story.  

Do Not try something you’ve “never seen before”!  Don’t have the characters whisked off to another plane or world while they slept!  Don’t have the players face fifteen or so mooks at once during an ambush!  Don’t have your characters struggle to tread water or leap floating platforms while fighting a monster!  These kinds of encounters instantly put players on guard and feel railroaded!  Give them the chance to decide how they integrate themselves into the adventure.

My first campaign violated this rule.  When the players left the city to enter the desert, they were suddenly beset by 12 monstrous scorpions!  And me, in my ambitious tunnel-vision, thought it’d be interesting to have each scorpion have its own turn.  I rolled twelve Initiatives for the scorpions and it was a LONG combat when it clearly didn’t have to be.  

It all looked so good in my head, but when you get players involved you can tell how grueling and boring something like that could be.  I learned a lot that session.

That combat ended the campaign for me.  I decided to go back to the drawing board because that kind of thinking was not going to fly for me and my friends.

Instead, give your players a task that could easily be solved in one or two sessions!  Do not give your players “only one way” to solve this!  For instance, if your first challenge is to get past some guards, let the players come up with the solution themselves.  They might decide to fight the guards, use magic/science to teleport past them, go off on a side quest to become guards so they can infiltrate them, or even walk up and attempt to socialize with them.  You as the storyteller/DM merely narrate the results of whatever the characters do; just bridge the gaps and think of consequences from the players’ actions.

ALSO!  Have a time limit for your first session, or plan breaks for food/drink/stretching.  This activity of DMing can be very stressful, and you might need a break to take stock of what problems and choices occurred during play.  

2C.) Start Small: The Players

Have your players build starting or low-level characters (I typically start with 3rd level for D&D).  The low levels will mean most powergaming and gamebreaking attempts by certain types of players will be nipped in the bud right from the start.  It will also typically limit the powers and abilities of your group (so you won’t have to memorize or look up high-level stuff until much later).  

Another thing I highly recommend is that you are present during character creation!  Do not let people determine/roll character abilities and stats without you.  Either be physically present when dice get rolled and abilities get determined, or be present digitally in a chatroom, discord or roll20 when electronic character sheets get filled in!  

My first campaign I allowed one of the players to bring a character from a friend’s campaign into it.  The original DM ended the campaign; and even though I had played in that campaign alongside this character I had no clue what they could do.  This made things challenging because this character “suddenly” remembered they could fly–so I had to add aerial combat onto my plate during the first fight of the campaign.

It made the situation tense, especially with my bad early encounters (see the 12 Scorpions combat above).

3.) Things Go Awry

If you’ve come this far, there’s one last piece of advice I want to give you.  Your first campaign is gonna suck in one way or another.

I don’t mean that to be disheartening; I want you to think of it as a learning experience.  Whenever a person learns a new skill or engages in a new activity for the first time, it’s always gonna suck.  (Even if someone has a “natural talent”).  You as the DM/Storyteller are going to notice problems crop up left and right; especially if you don’t take the advice I offered above.  For instance, if you start learning to paint with a new medium or start a sport you’ve never tried; you need to practice with the tools and techniques you’ve prepared to see what works for your style of learning.  

Running a roleplaying game is a very unique mashup of activities.  There’s typically a math element you need to consider behind every action the players take.  You need to workout your improvisation skills to bridge connections and gaps your players make.  You need to get in front of a group of people (sometimes more or less experienced than you) and tell a story that keeps their attention.  It’s a stressful mix of being an improv actor, a storyteller and the physical laws of your world.

Hopefully your players will understand when things get crazy and overwhelming.  Gametime might come to a halt because you need to look up a specific rule or wording that you aren’t familiar with.  It’s okay.  Until you get to know how your game world runs with your players in it, it is totally fine to take a breath and think things through.  Oftentimes you can ask your players for help in making a determination or house-ruling.

Last note on this topic: Get Feedback!  At the end of the session, be bold and ask your players if they enjoyed the session, what they liked and what they didn’t like.  Feedback is how DMs get insight on how the game is playing out.  While you’re DMing, your mind is on a million different topics; let the players tell you how they felt during gameplay, so you know what made them feel good or bad on the other side of the curtain.

4.) Have Fun Together!

This is something that needs to be said, if I’m honest.  Running a game can be a stressful activity that “ruins” some things about it now that you are “behind the curtain”.  This is your first session, in what you hope to be a series of games where you and your friends make all sorts of memories.

However, some DMs get incredibly discouraged and no-nonsense when they run a game for their first few times.  That is understandable, especially if being the “mastermind” is a challenge you haven’t prepared for.  A few sessions in and you might find the game isn’t fun for you and/or your players.  That might be a sign that you need to take a break from hosting–use that time to think how you can make the game fun for everyone, or if this campaign just needs to be scrapped!

The priority of the DM is to bring people together.  If a game system, campaign concept or player actions aren’t making the group (you included) happy; it’s better to stop things and take stock before things go too far.  It is never fun to admit your game isn’t viable or enjoyable, but hopefully you’ll have new experience you can take with you the next time you try your game.  

And heck, if you find you prefer playing at this time, that’s fine!  Even if this attempt didn’t have the results you expected, there is nothing to stop you from trying again later if you wanted.  But now that you know how it is behind the curtain, you are naturally more observant to how your own DM/GM runs their games and you can learn from it.

Remember how good the game system/lore/etc made you feel!  It’s why you wanted to DM in the first place; you recognized you had a story you wanted to tell, and this ttrpg had the tools to bring it to life!  No matter what problems arise when you’re behind the curtain, the game should still bring you enjoyment whether you play or manage the game.  Do not give up on the game just because of one bad session or two!  

When I decided to end my campaign, it really was a painful decision.  I loved the world as it was in my mind, but I was not executing it well so that my players enjoyed it.  I got feedback after that terrible 12 Scorpions combat, and decided to take some time to think about everything.  Our group went back to our original DM, with other members trying to DM in that time; and honestly I didn’t DM until I started a small separate group months later.  

During that gap in DMing I digested what I liked and didn’t like about my campaign, and had more time to reflect on the rules.  I decided to take a few steps back and learn from my mistakes.  I still made mistakes the second and third times I DMed, I make mistakes even to this day.  

But at the heart of it all, I love games so much that I want to constantly make my stories and worlds even better, even to this day.

I take the struggles of DMing as learning experiences, rather than let them define me as a writer, storyteller and game master.  I use them as stepping stones so I don’t fall through the gaps again.  I may have started out with a bad first campaign, but I would never take those mistakes away.  

I hope these lessons were helpful!  I love D&D and tabletop roleplaying games so much, and love giving out advice on how to make the experience your own.  I hope this helps a lot of new people bring their stories to life!  Also, I hope I helped everyone’s expectations into the right state of mind.  

Good luck and happy gaming everyone!!  Much love!

– Aboleth-Eye

[unattainabledreams]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥

Mun note: I’m gonna put this below the cut cause it’s a biiiig tag. But if you do read it, hmu honestly cause I’ve love to chatting.

And if you do it? Let me know! I love learning about people’s connection to their muses, new or old.

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO.

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK (Mixed impressions depending on who you ask and how you ask it I reckon.)

Are they underrated?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant to the main story?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant to the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon?

OG Canon, By default, up until Zack’s canonical death, I follow canon very muchly. (That doesn’t mean I’m not open to earlier plotted divergence though!) If the overall plot ends with death, then I’m alright with that, I love the handing on of the torch from Angeal to Zack to Cloud. My goal is to never minimize that. But for interactions beyond the end of Crisis Core, I have two particular verses that I absolutely adore based on already established lore and my own head-canons for how Zack would continue.

OG Canon Remake Canon, while it’s nice for options and I don’t mind it, on a technical front I think it weakens the ongoing plot for other characters who then wouldn’t have been forced to grow so much themselves. I enjoyed the remake, but regarding Zack it’s not my cup of tea. I’ll write remake by request, but it’s not my default.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutual.

His genuine care for those around him with unrelenting selflessness is both heartwarming -and heart-wrenching.

Zack’s journey from naivety about the world and events around him to recognizing the harm of the organization he’s been directly a part of. He grows in both substance and maturity as he’s increasingly forced to reckon with reality.

Chasing after an idea which is realized but not how he once imagined it. 

While Zack is strong, he’s most certainly not the strongest. I enjoy playing with weakness.

Almost relentless optimism. How he pushes onward to continue trying to pick up the pieces. Additionally as such a genuine character and I hope that love comes through in my portrayal.

Look. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But on a personal my muse front, despite my love for him I love putting him in situations where I get to break him down to build back up again because that’s his strength as a character.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  

His early naivety and blind loyalty to ShinRa. (IMO tho, you gotta have a ‘from’ in order to have a ‘to’)

Puppy goofy himbo dummy. (At least, that’s how some people see him.)

Almost relentless optimism.

Some feel he draws away from Cloud’s story.

Just- 

Look again.

What inspired you to rp your muse?  

Have you ever had a time when you’re watching or playing something and there’s just a character you really identify with like, not just ‘oh, me’ - but beyond that in an almost scary way? For where I was in life and what I was going through, Zack was exactly that for me, and I fell in love with how kept pushing through.

So that was four years ago, and I RP’d him privately within friend groups. Said friends of course moved on from the fandom and I just quietly always wanted to come back to him, there were so many things I’d come up with that I hadn’t gotten to using yet in writing.

So late last year when a friend decided to get into FF7 I made my blog(s) to join them. :3 I did go on hiatus when 7R came out to avoid spoilers as I didn’t have access to a console through the lockdown in my country to play, but I’ve finally returned. (And now you have like a million blogs shgjfjkasghfd.)

What keeps your inspiration going?

On a personal note, Zack’s been an intrinsic part of my life for the past four years. Even when friend groups moved on from the fandom in waves coming and going, he’s never really gone from my life because I live in a fairly small country and he’s one of two cosplays I’m known for here in con/geek circles. (I’ve even Cosplayed him for an official event! <3)

On a writing front, honestly, as I said before, I love the way he keeps on keeping on no matter what’s thrown at him. I don’t want his journey to end. I want him to fall again and again but also to conquer those shortcomings and rise stronger.

That doesn’t have to make him the strongest in body, but in mind that makes him a personal hero for me at least so he’s forever an inspiration. Despite the labels applied to his dream, (See my URL) the pursuit as such defines him admirably.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO.

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO. (I have a terrible habit of keeping most of em in my head, but they do exist. I’m trying to get better at posting them casually. I know they're good at helping prospective RP partners work out openings for interactions. ;; )

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO. (Honestly this is usually what happens when I do try to do a HC post, It becomes a drabble incorporating it instead. Whoops?)

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO.

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO.

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO.

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?

Criticism and Critique. Boy oh boy. That’s gonna be a pass, please.

Unsolicited criticism sucks. That’s not what I’m here for, nor many of us I expect. Miss me with that anxiety spike. I’ve done study in writing for films. I know a lot of technical stuff. But I also enjoy switching that off and allowing things to happen. I’m also a performer, and the the improvisational and spontaneous reactionary side is just as important as the plotted. I’m here for fun to explore what I want with other like minded people. Not for criticism.

‘Hey have you thought about ___’ - that’s okay. If we grow together, cool, that’s great! In fact, it kinda leads into the next question.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  

Yeeee! Please. Just be aware I’m sometimes slow with my inbox though I am getting better at this!

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why? 

Unless it’s something that clashes between our two muses like a death or lack-thereof, or important shared-background things that needs discussing, I don’t think there’s much reason for it to be brought up. My headcanons exist for the general purpose of ‘without outside influence, this is my default.’ - that’s it. Sometimes they just aren’t relevant.

If it’s simply ‘I don’t like this this idea’ see the next answer.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?

If someone does, please don’t tell me. You can go write him yourself or find another closer to how you perceive him. My portrayal is my own, and I don’t need to conform to your idea of what Zack would do or say. Neither of us need to waste energy on this.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?

If it’s my muse, fine. But don’t get aggressive at me about it. I’m also a Genesis mun, so I get the rivalry. But cool your jets.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  

Sure. In fact please. Honestly, @ RP partners, I don’t mind if you quietly fix em yourself. Dyslexia’s an uphill battle. I’ll often edit posts after the fact if I notice my own mistakes, so sure. But @ Readers, please don’t get at my RP partners grammar. This is consent for my writing, not theirs. Though also don’t be a pick-apart grammar police just to get to me. Have some sense about it. ;)

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?

I can be very talkative. Honestly if that surprises you despite my choice of muses with Zack and Gen then gaia help you. So uh, heads up on that. If I haven’t talked to you yet, the key word is ‘yet’ - I’m just working out where to start or for something to react to.

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

Tagged by:  @lifedxbt​ tagged me for returning from hiatus so I should probably do this. :p Tagging: Uhhhhh, it big. Do if want? Yay. (It took me two hours)

[comicteaparty]

January 11th-January 17th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from January 11th, 2020 to January 17th, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

What’s an unplanned idea you had through your story part way through that forced you to change things?  How did everything go?

eli [a winged tale]

After my beta feedback there were some characters that needed further fleshing out with stakes and relationships. Therefore I had to change some backstories to make certain interactions impactful. Thankfully im at the start so nothing i had to go back and fix. I did think of some alternative openings should the comic goes to print but that can be future me’s worries

snuffysam

simultaneously very little and a huge amount, lol. in terms of big story beats, they've pretty much all stayed the same since i first started planning the comic. the twists have been set up and paid off and the like. but there's a bunch of things i've improv'd at the last minute. one notable example that was pretty well-received - in book 2 chapter 4, taci has a fear of puns (basically only shown in facial expressions and a single comment from mizuki towards the end of the fight). this was added because... otherwise the fight at the end of that chapter is just a bunch of walking around in near-identical dark tunnels. the way the fight ends is fun, but the fight itself isn't really anything. with taci having a reason to be afraid of coruby, the fight has more stakes & entertainment value, and it makes coruby feel much more interesting as a character. another huge example is the love triangle in book 1 - in that in the script, it was non-existent. mizuki being into girls was originally only gonna be introduced in book 2 (guess where), and the relationship between cahe and pejiba was going to advance with no real competition (besides bullets). it was gonna be mentioned in like book 3 that she had a thing for pejiba, but nothing in book 1 itself. (similarly to the pun thing, you may notice that mizuki being into pejiba isn't referenced at all in the dialogue besides pejiba saying "i know what mizuki thinks of me" which is kinda vague. i... don't like changing scripts last-minute lol.)

Mei

Not gonna lie, everything I do is entirely unplanned. I focus a lot on improvised comedy and what feels right 'at the moment', and considering I write scripts way in advance, sometimes it leads to jokes falling flat when I read them again a few months later. Which is all fine, honestly, it's part of the process. The main unplanned idea for My Husband is a Cultist was turning it from a 12 page one-shot into a fully fledged webcomic, now with 3 chapters and more to come. It was very 'on a whim', and from that very first chapter I came up with more silly ideas. And the more I talked to friends, the more ideas I had for chapters. So the biggest change personally was going from a pure slice-of-life comedy and spending time actually building the world around it so that there was structure to the chaos. I'm still working on it all. I now have an underlying plot that I'm hoping to explore, and I have the arcs planned out way in advance. So it's wild that I went from 'random ideas spewed on a document' to 'I now have a plot and several arcs to cover'. That being said, I still come up with a lot of things on the fly, so I'm changing things constantly as I go and hoping that there aren't too many inconsistencies!

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

One of the most important story elements of Phantomarine (http://www.phantomarine.com/) came up early in the second chapter, when I was asking myself some more questions about the world - and came upon a crucial opportunity. Luckily I didn’t have to change too much to make it work, and while it didn’t really change the plot, it upped the emotional stakes 100-fold. Which is just what I wanted. In this world, I have a big naval force, of which my heroine is (was?) the future leader - but with relative peace and cooperation between the different island nations, who the heck does the navy fight? Pirates? Eh, maybe. But vanilla pirates have been done to death, and while they can be awesome, I wanted to do something different. I wanted to tie them into the world’s supernatural element - while strongly avoiding the Pirates of the Caribbean cursed-buccaneer aesthetic. I decided to tie them to a particular blight that affects some of the characters - so as to up their stakes and better convey why they’re societal outcasts. And finally, I wanted to give them a freaking awesome name, something both nautical and supernatural. Thus, for those reading - the Fata Morgana. What didn’t even exist at the beginning of the second chapter is now an absolutely crucial story element, and I’m so happy they came into the picture. They’ve changed everything for the better. This is one reason why I resigned myself to revealing the world in bits and pieces - I’m revealing it to myself as I go along, too. It helps to be slow sometimes

eli [a winged tale]

The Fata Morgana introduction in the story was A W E S O M E! I’m so glad you have them in the story and looking forward to that amped up stakes!

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I think the biggest example would be the last-minute inclusion of Jonathan as a main character in my comic Dark Wings: Eryl (https://www.flowerlarkstudios.com/dark-wings-2/). I had originally planned for him to be a temporary character that we said goodbye to at the end of Chapter 5. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised the main travelling party needed another character to balance things out. I was really struggling with planning future scenes because the pool of characters felt too small. I also realised that I had developed Jonathan’s character quite a lot for him to be dropped so early. So halfway through drawing chapter 5, I rewrote the second half and he’s now a major part of the cast.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

A second example is Anor in my other comic, Children of Shadow: Ashes (https://www.flowerlarkstudios.com/cos/). He was originally written as a far less sympathetic character. In fact, he was going to be a borderline antagonist who only became sympathetic close to the end. But my characters often do things I don’t expect, and as I was planning the story, he and one of the other main characters, Rava, started falling for each other. I honestly loved this, and so I reworked the entire story to make Anor part of the main cast and much more sympathetic. He’s still a tsundere, and at the point where the story is now, still in constant friction with Rava, but I feel he’s now a much stronger character and is contributing a great deal more to the story than when he was a vaguely ominous frenemy in the original draft.

varethane

ooooo I am intrigued by this factoid about Anor

re: unplanned story elements, in Chirault..... [spoilers obviously] Ridriel and Trillia being sisters was something that hit me out of the blue about halfway through the story, and I immediately reworked a lot of things to make it happen http://chirault.sevensmith.net/(edited)

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

In ghost Junk... We actually avoided a major character death and had revised it literally a chapter before it happened!! We had everything written out right the the very end, but were seeing the readers reactions and reflected on the importance/and if it was absolutely necessary! So with that said, we saved the character, and kept the necessary impact and growth that it was to bring, and honestly- I'm so happy we did it

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

@varethane Yeah, Anor’s character has evolved a LOT since the first draft.

Phu

With Blackblood, we actually created the 2nd and 3rd chapters and then thought we wanted a chapter ahead of those as sort of a prologue to give some world building and lore elements haha. Worked out well i think! https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/blackblood/list?title_no=300252(edited)

Erin Ptah (BICP 🎄 Leif & Thorn)

This is kind of the opposite, since I did the "include a new thing in the story" part first, and that's what forced me to come up with a previously-unplanned idea to explain it... In Leif & Thorn, I had a character drop a reference to "that country doesn't allow interspecies marriages" before there's any canon reference to nonhuman species that human characters might want to marry. ...and even I didn't know what that species was going to be. Had some vague idea about revealing that mermaids existed, but in my head I never managed to integrate them with the rest of the plot or the worldbuilding real well. A few months later, I finally remember that I like drawing Tiny People (not like hobbit-size, think Borrowers-size), and realize this is the perfect setting to have a Tiny People Species! Now I get to come up with plot-based excuses to draw them wherever/however I want. Plus it opens up a whole new mine of jokes: https://leifandthorn.com/comic/somethings-cooking-26-29/

Can't for the life of me remember where I got this quote from, but there's an author who, when readers would ask for details about future developments in her books, would only give answers with the disclaimer "I reserve the right to have a better idea." Words to live by.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Damn, I love that quote.

DanitheCarutor

Admittedly there isn't a whole lot I've changed, maybe a couple small things here and there, but major stuff has been the same since I started. During the very beginning of the planning phase Daniel wasn't even going to be in the story and Julian was going to be homeless, but I wasn't quite satisfied with it. The story would have been too short, contrived and the resolution didn't feel satisfying. After some brainstorming and reflection on my feelings on certain experiences I've had, I added Daniel and 'The Guide to a Healthy Relationship' as it is kinda fell into place. It's weird thinking about how important Daniel is in spite of how new a character he is. Usually it takes me a little time to build one up before throwing them into a story, they gotta age like a fine wine first, but he popped out all ready to use like one week hooch.

Not sure if it counts, but I've also made changes to future parts of my comic. Like recently, even though I know what the ending is, I put a more final image in my head on what the final frame will look like. Also I changed an event that will happen at some point revolving around Apollo and his friends. Originally something skeevy was going to happen with Brandon and Apollo involving video uploads, and a homemade contract that was signed with Apollo was drunk. I thought it was too... I dunno, stupid? impractical? So I changed it to Julian was going to (unwillingly) attend a party at Brandon's (Apollo's friend) apartment, then some big, jealousy induced fight happens where Julian gets kicked out and Apollo feels bad. I didn't like that either, felt too reaching, so I'm going with another event that is a little out there but does happen in real life and something I have done some good research on.

Gonna be as vague as possible because it's spoilers.

keii4ii

Surprising myself is pretty much every step of my writing process. For good or bad.

I do plan things in advance, but find that sometimes things aren't what they seemed from 15 chapters ago.

I think what it is is this particular comic is such a visual story. I could plan out my previous comic with far greater accuracy. That comic was more dialog-driven; you could convert it into an audio drama with minimal changes, and it would still make sense. Whereas my current comic, you can't turn it into an audio drama without very VERY extensive changes (not even sure if possible... Many silent scenes). So I need to actually draw the pages to feel it out. And I can't draw out of order. Brain just won't that way.(edited)

carcarchu

totally agree with you @keii4ii sometimes u have to actually draw it out to get a feel for it. when i write out all the dialogue for my chapters i feel like it always ends up coming out so stiff, thats why i prefer to let it flow naturally and if something happens that i didnt account for just roll with it and adjust the story accordingly

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I'm kind of weird about always needing to know exactly how many pages a chapter is going to have, so I script right down to the panel. It can create flow problems on occasion, so I wish sometimes I could plan my pages more visually, but my brain just doesn't work that way. >< It's a good thing my stories mostly rely on dialogue because they're pretty much novels in comic form.(edited)

Cronaj

When planning a scene at the end of Chapter 3 of Whispers of the Past (https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/whispers-of-the-past/list?title_no=191366), I was having a hard time writing the dialogue. I had the images of my lead characters, Agatha and Izrekiel, talking by the docks in the moonlight, and I knew generally what they talked about, but I couldn't script it. And then, one day while walking to work, my characters straight up had the conversation in my head! And as the dialogue unraveled, the characters (mostly Izrekiel) did something completely unplanned (which I won't reveal because spoilers). This unplanned change has completely upped the drama and sexual tension for the entirety of the future story. The second event of this is in Chapter 2, where Izrekiel is helping out on Kelan's farm. Initially, there was going to be some dialogue that mostly served as world-building, but when actually writing the scene, it occurred to me that they would likely not talk too much, too absorbed by the work of harvest. And then, I suddenly visualized/heard Kelan and the other farmhands SINGING. I don't know why it popped in my head that way, but they began singing a working song. Now, I am not a musician, but I used to sing in choir and do musicals and such, and like half my family members are musicians, so I have a bit of a musical background. Anyway, all this to say that the characters started singing, and in response, Izrekiel (who has amnesia) has a flashback to some repressed memory of men marching and singing the same song, with altered lyrics. This can get extra spoilery, so I won't delve too deep into what his memory means, but.... The lyrics go as such: Oh earth, oh rain, Oh sun in the sky, You grant me with your fruit In this land. And they are directly mirrored in the flashback with: Oh strength, oh grace, I'll raise my sword, With victory in mind In this land.(edited)

Deo101

For me, I totally changed the ending! I was going to make it a tragedy, and then at some point I realized I didnt NEED to... that a story can be happy and good. So, I rewrote a ton of stuff, and actually ended up adding in some new characters! I'd say It's gone very well ^^ I'm much happier with everything now (for one, I can think about the ending without crying!!) I've changed a lot of other little things as i've gone along too. too many things to count, really.

Tuyetnhi

Initially I was writing the story timeline to 5 days but it spanned to something about a year. Which means I had a chance to develop it further than trying to rush plot points. Used to be like 3 chapters originally but now its like ....I guess 20 chapters? I don't remember the full count but lmao I'm ready to endure.(edited)

varethane

most of the biggest changes to Chirault were decided on during the first 3 years of me making it..... I completely threw out the first plan I had made, lol. There was no specific trigger for this, except maybe for 'I don't like this, actually'

keii4ii

Oh! I remembered something specific. My tiger character used to have a 'generic lean-ripped' build. Kinda like the rabbit from Juuni Taisen. Then I posted a random beach day picture, and someone (who wasn't used to seeing characters with visible leg muscles... A lot of comics they read have characters who suffer from Skipped All The Leg Days syndrome) pointed out how insanely muscular his legs were. I ran with it. Today his legs are 2x bigger than they were in that beach day pic, and it's all muscle. Also while this character stays very lean throughout the story, I as the author guarantee you that if he were to put on fat, his thighs will be the first to expand, and the most. 8)

Tuyetnhi

omg

Cronaj

@keii4ii I'm so glad for this change. Lu's legs are majestic

Capitania do Azar

Interesting replies here

In o Sarilho https://www.sarilho.net/en/, I have avoided one major character death in the first part of the story because I grow super fond of them and also because it wasn't really going to build up to anything... Which felt really unfair. So now I had to come up with narrative lines for them and I'm quite enjoying that. Furthermore, I was halfway through chapter 3 when I figured out Eurico's looks but especially his role in the story. It involved drawing a lot of trucks (and there will be more trucks in the future) but I'm really excited for him as a character

Desnik

As I was writing my comic I was trying really hard to keep the POV limited to one character, but that character doesn't have enough perspective to set up the plot very well at the beginning. This meant hopping POVs to some other characters and now I'm gently trying to squash a lot of these subplots before they go completely out of control...

[carryonmywaywardcaptain]

A New Life: Part Three

Series Masterlist

Summary: Your family is killed while you are out celebrating Fall Break with some friends from college. You’re about to take your own life when the Winchester boys come rolling in. They turn your world completely inside out, but along the way you discover a new purpose in hunting and a love you never even dreamed could exist.

WC: 2,555

Warnings: angst, kidnapping, blood, talk of death (Warnings are hard. Sorry if that’s vague!)

A/N: This story is trucking right along and I’m so excited with how it is turning out. Hopefully you’re still enjoying it! Feedback is welcome, but please keep it positive you groovy, lovely souls.

Check out previous parts here:

Part One

Part Two

 .

.

A few days later, the boys finally stumbled across a case.

“Are you guys sure I’m...safe here?” You hadn’t been alone in weeks, and you’d certainly never been alone in the bunker before. You weren’t too keen on having the whole empty place to yourself.

“Honestly, there’s probably not a safer place in the world. Nobody can get through those doors, we’re underground, and we’ve even got the place warded,” Sam tried to reassure you. “The job’s not far from here. We’ll be gone a day, maybe two tops, and be back before you know it.”

The boys each hugged you goodbye before heading out the door. You heard the impala roar to life before, it too, was gone. Then you were alone.

It had only been a couple of hours since the boys left, but you were going crazy. You’d browsed the books in the library, but really didn’t want to know anything about the lore. You cleaned your room, the kitchen, and even took a shower, just to pass some time. Now you were laying on your bed staring at the ceiling. Your phone buzzed.

Change of plans. Looks like some of the vamps skipped town. Got a couple, but have to start from scratch. Should be back by morning.

Well that was good at least. You were grateful Dean had taken the time to check in and that the trip would be shorter than planned. Unfortunately, you knew you wouldn’t be falling asleep any time soon. You huffed, then decided to go see if Joe was working tonight at the bar. Surely he wouldn’t mind if you hung out for a few hours until the boys got back.

You threw on some jeans, grabbed the keys to your car (which the boys had let you keep in the bunker’s garage), and drove to the bar from a few nights ago. You walked in and smiled as you saw Joe chatting with a group sitting at the bar.

“Hey, Joe!” You called out as you made your way to the counter to have a seat on one of the stools.

“Hey, sweetheart. How’s it goin’?” He moved down the bar to chat with you, looking concerned when he saw you were alone. “Where are the boys tonight?”

“Oh, they’re out of town working. Should be back in the morning though. I thought I’d come hang out and see how my favorite bartender was doing!”

He chuckled. “Well it’s always nice having you around. Those boys could use someone like you to keep ‘em out of trouble--”

Someone called him from down the bar, and he gave you an apologetic look. You waved him off. “I’m a big girl, Joe, and I know you’re busy. I’ll be here!”

You took a swig of your beer as you glanced at the other people in the bar. A couple playing darts across the bar had caught your attention, and you were watching them when the screeching of a stool next to you made you jump. You looked up as a lean man in a leather jacket and skinny jeans sat down. His hair was jet black, and you caught a glimpse of some sort of tribal tattoo on his neck.

“Hey there, beautiful. Buy you a drink?” He smirked, and you cringed at the menacing glint in his eyes.

You smiled politely as you stifled a shudder. “No, thanks. I’ve got a drink. Thanks though.” You turned your attention away and glanced down the bar to Joe, who was already making his way back to the two of you.

“How’re we doing down here, folks?” He asked in a nonchalant manner, treating you like any other customer. You caught on that he was being careful not to let this stranger know you were there alone.

“We’re good, thanks. I was just telling this lovely lady here how much I’d like to buy her a drink. What’ll you have, sweet cheeks?”

You downed the rest of your beer, then realized this stranger might take it as an invitation to get you another drink. “Actually, boys, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna hit up the bathroom.” You give Joe a meaningful look before making your way to the back of the bar.

Something about this guy made the hair on the back of your neck stand on end. You glance over you shoulder to see Joe talking to the stranger-- probably giving you a chance to slip away. You were grateful he was looking out for you, but you wished the boys were here with you.

You turn to reach for the bathroom door and feel your foot catch on something. In the same instant, something hard strikes your temple and everything goes black.

The throbbing pain in your head wakes you up and the blood pulsing in your ears is deafening. Your eyes slowly flutter open as you try to focus and get oriented on where you are. Your breath hitches in your throat as you realize that you are no longer at the bar and that your arms are tied behind your back. You try pulling at the rope, but the knot doesn’t budge.

You look up, finally taking in your surroundings, and quickly wish you hadn’t. You’re in an abandoned building that looks like something straight out of a horror movie. It’s run down, with multiple panes of glass missing from the windows, which were lined with thick black curtains that look like they’d been eaten by moths. There was some old mismatched furniture, but that wasn’t what held your attention.

There were bodies strewn about everywhere, and blood was streaked across the floor. An old woman laid not ten feet from the chair you were tied to in a small pool of blood, pale as a ghost. Her mouth hung open, and her dead eyes seemed to stare straight into your soul. You turned away and tried to keep yourself from hyperventilating. The setting around you looked all too familiar as you tried not to think about the first time you’d seen something like this.

You hear laughter in the room next door before three figures come strolling into the room where you’re trapped with all the other bodies. You try to ignore the feeling creeping up your spine that you might soon end up just like them.

Your heart drops into your stomach as you look at the figures before you. You recognize the couple who had been playing darts at the bar standing over the old woman’s body, smirking at you. Standing just behind the couple in the shadows, you recognize the menacing eyes of the stranger from the bar.

“Well hello there, beautiful,” he croons, and you cringe. “It’s good to see you again.”

Your mind raced as you work to piece together what had happened and how you ended up here. Your thoughts were cut short as he made his way over to you, leaning down so his face was just inches from yours. You held your breath.

He sighed. “Julie. You really should be more careful with our guests. I asked you to get her alone, not try to crush her skull.”

Julie rolled her eyes as she wrapped her arms around the other man’s waist and rested her chin on his shoulder. “I improvised, Gideon. So kill me. Besides, you know as well as I do that the old man wasn’t going to let her out of his sight for long.”

So it had been planned. You’d somehow managed to play right into their trap. “Why…” You trail off. You feel weak, and your head is starting to swim. Your nerves must be getting the best of you.

“Why you?” The woman cackled. “What a typical human response. I told you, Cliff, she’s positively boring.”

“Why...why haven’t you killed me yet?” You tried again.

“Gideon’s been looking for you for some time,” the other man, Cliff, chimes in. Gideon is still in your personal space, and you really don’t like the way he’s looking at you.

It’s getting harder for you to concentrate. You let your head hang and your eyes close, but Gideon grabs a handful of your hair and yanks your head back up to face him. “Now, now,” he growls in your ear. “Don’t go checking out on us now. As Cliff said, I’ve been looking for you for months now. It’d be awful rude of you to sleep when we’ve so kindly brought you here as our guest.”

You can’t help it. Despite the threatening edge in his voice, your eyes fall closed again.

You hear commotion in the room next door, and what sounded like snarls from animals. None of it seemed to make any sense. You start to let yourself sink down into the darkness that’s slowly engulfing you. You’re vaguely aware that the crashing, grunting, and snarls are closer now, but they sound so far away.

“Y/N!”

You hear your name. Hear the familiar voice. You knew you should answer-- that you should yell and scream for help. You wanted him to know you could hear him. But you were just so tired.

“Y/N. Please, no.” You felt a hand gently cup your face.

You managed to let out a weak groan. The voice was behind you now. “Y/N, I’m here. I’m right here, sweetheart. Stay with me.” You felt your wrists fall free from the rope.

“Y/N. Can you hear me? Look at me, I’m right here.” You willed yourself to open your eyes, seeing Dean’s jade eyes looking back. “There she is,” he says with a strained smile.

“Dean,” you mumble in relief. Your voice is hoarse, and you’re glad his hand is holding your face up, because you knew you didn’t have the strength to do it yourself. You realize you’re out of the chair and Dean is cradling you in his lap. “Dean...so tired.”

“I know, sweetheart. You’ve lost a lot of blood. I need you to hold on and stay awake. Sammy went to grab the car... You’re safe now.”

Your head rolls away from his chest. You hear Dean calling your name, but it’s muffled and so far away. Then everything fades to black.

As you start to wake up, you groan in pain. You feel like you were hit by a car and you flinch as you notice a sharp pain in your neck, on top of the throbbing in your head.

“Y/N.” You hear a sigh of relief and a squeeze on your left hand. You slowly open your eyes and tilt your head to see Sam sitting in a chair next to you. Dean is slumped over in a chair across the room. You’re surprised when you realize you’re in your own bed back at the bunker.

“How’re you feeling?” Sam asks; worry creasing his forehead.

“I’ve been better.” You croak in a whisper.

You hear Dean stirring in the corner, and look up to see him wiping the sleep from his eyes. He jumps up and strides across the room when he sees that you’re awake. He eases himself on to the bed by your feet and rests a hand on one of your legs. He drops his eyes, looking away from you, and you notice his jaw clench. “Y/N… I’m so sorry. We never should have left you.”

“Do you remember much of what happened?” Sam asks.

You think back. “A little. Dean texted me, and I was already restless so I went to the bar to kill some time. They were all there. I didn’t know…” You trailed off. “After the bar, everything is a bit blurry.”

Dean stayed silent, so Sam filled you in. “We got back to the bunker, and you weren’t here. We looked everywhere before we realized your car was missing. We thought maybe you’d just gone out for a drive, but about that time Joe called to see where we were. He told us about the guy that had been leering at you since you got there.” Dean let out a sharp breath, as Sam continued. 

“He thought maybe you’d slipped out the back when you went to the bathroom. He called us after he closed up and realized that your car was still in the parking lot… It took us a while, but we sifted through the bar’s security cameras and tracked down one of the trucks that had sped off. We, uh, we looked into some abandoned buildings in the area and found the truck. Turns out the license plates are from the same area we were hunting, so we think these guys were the rest of the vamp pack that we missed earlier.”

He paused, and let you process everything he’d just told you. Kidnapped by vampires. If you weren’t in so much pain, you’d laugh at how ridiculous that sounded just to make them feel better.

Sam cleared his throat and continued again. “We scoped out the place when we got there. Noticed you were in the living room with three-- we counted five total. We came through the back door and took out the two in the kitchen before making our way to the living room where you were.”

“They’d been feeding on you,” Dean cut in with a dark look. You swallowed hard, and your hand automatically reached up to your neck, where you felt a pad of gauze.

“Did you...get them all?” You asked quietly. Dean turned away from you to hide whatever emotion flashed across his face, and you knew the answer.

“One of the guys got away while we were fighting off the other two. When we killed the other guy...the girl, who was probably his mate, threw me across the room. I chased after her while Dean untied you, but she got away too… We’ll find them, Y/N. I promise.” Sam squeezed your hand again. The way he hesitated made your heart feel like it might pound right out of your chest.

“There’s, uh...something else.” You wondered what else they could possibly still have to tell you.

Sam looked down at something in his hands, and took a deep breath before holding it out to you. This time, you were the one to hesitate, before you reached out a trembling hand.

As you realize what it is, it feels as if your heart shatters in your chest and you forget how to breathe. Tears well up in your eyes as you lightly run your thumb back and forth over the picture. At the smiling faces staring back at you.

Sam’s voice is quiet, as he and Dean watch you. “Vampires...they, uh...once they catch a scent, they can chase the, uh…” He struggled with the words. “They can chase the individual until the job is done. We think this is the pack… They must have caught on to your scent when…”

He didn’t need to finish.

A loud, anguished sob escaped from your mouth as you clutched the picture of your family, spattered with blood. Dean got up and walked out of the room, unable to watch as the pain slammed into you. Sam bowed his head and looked away. He sat quietly with you, occasionally reassuring you that he was still there, until you finally cried yourself to sleep.

Part Four 

Tags: @maddieburcham1 @jamrsgang @oswlin29 @amanda-teaches @anotherwaywardsister @growningupgeek @because-imma-lady-assface @obsessivecompulsivespn @imascreamerbabymakemeamute @impala-dreamer @riversong-sam @ericaprice2008

[podcake]

Audio Drama December: Neon Nights: The Arcane Files of Jack Tracer Review

A week has already passed and here I am again on a Sunday morning trying to justify my sudden yearning to peal back the monochrome layers of the noir genre. Noir in audio drama is an interesting little specimen that I might not be able to go into much detail about in the upcoming year, though the constructs of genre, narrative, and aesthetic choices truly do flourish in this particular style and covering it was inevitable given this line of journalism.

I’ve already offered my thoughts on the topic a few weeks ago and what I thought of The Penumbra mere days from now, so let’s spare the introduction and get to the second part of a very much anticipated dual review month. Today’s case to crack is Neon Nights: The Arcane Files of Jack Tracer, a supernatural mystery series brought to you by Evil Kitten Productions. 

It tells the story of Jack Tracer, a cop gone private investigator, who spends his days keeping track of the strange and eerie events of Neon City where he encounters some strange people and even stranger events surrounding them. It’s the broader lens of the whole plot but makes room for some innovative individual stories nonetheless. 

Neon Nights adheres to a sort of supernatural edge that I found strangely lacking in a lot of noir podcasts I’ve come across. Though The Penumbra certain has its moments, the more bizarre elements were almost always on behalf of smoke and mirrors and some sci-fi technology that makes sense within the world’s universe while Neon Nights has a more distinct air of the occult in play which can be both a strength and a weakness depending on the stakes-more on that later. 

There’s creepy cults and mystical items and just something that implies there’s a bigger, badder thing on the surface that the series hasn’t quite admitted to yet. Episodes are often divided up into ten to fifteen minute shorts that boil down to a four part complete product when put together. It manages to pack quite a bit of lore and intrigue in just a few short moments and the individual pieces flow together nicely into a pretty gripping series of events.

Neon Nights has some authentically noir inspired tropes to its design from its acting, to music, to use of old-timey sound effects that almost make you feel like you’re listening to it in black and white. The opening track is wonderfully rustic with some bass and piano over some soothing vinyl crackling and even without any background music, you still get this sort of jazzy vibe from the whole ting.  

As far as audio editing goes, it certainly knows how to make use of the most subtle of sound effects to improvise an idea of space and can seamlessly flow between narration and conversations with little stumbling. 

The presentation is certainly Neon Nights’ strong point, seeming to know all the best ways to make a scene feel as exciting or tense as it needs to be. Even through the most subtle of music selection and rain effects, it brings many of the moments to life and leaves a lot to drink up even with the short run times of individual episodes. 

If there was anything here that I really found myself liking it was the unsettling mood it was able to pass off in only a few seconds of an opening scene. This especially goes for episode four of “Case of Shady Grove”  that gave me some strong Psycho vibes and the entirety of “House of Joy” that not only had one of my favorite antagonists but a nice perspective switch between the two leads and what had me rooting for Red immediately. And with that in mind, we can nicely segue into some complaints.

I’m sorry to say that the lead character Jack Tracer doesn’t have the most pleasant of voices. Though I admit the rasp and aggression of his performance has its charm here and there, it’s often just a touch too absurd to take seriously. It gets just a little more bearable in later episodes, though it just wasn’t as easy on the ears as it could have been for our returning protagonist.

As I said, I honestly found myself most enamored by Red, the troubled but equally competent leading lady whose got some nice bite to her performance and a presence you quickly get comfortable with. I always looked forward to her returns and saw her as more protagonist material in the long run.

The dialogue is luckily, at least most of the time, in Jack and the supporting cast’s favor as even if Jack isn’t someone I enjoyed listening to more than a few seconds of, at least his words carried some weight. Now this is only a majority of the writing that can be credited as such as Neon Nights’ tends to fluctuate between some generally solid bits of dialogue and narration and, dare I say, laughable one liners that sound like something straight out of a early sixties comic strip.

So you might just be taken out of the moment when a character drops a cliche phrase into your lap with a straight face and the scene doesn’t pause itself for a laugh track. If this is intentional or not is always a struggle to figure out with noir shows given the hammy nature of their origins and it’s not like Neon Nights is fully exempt from a certain degree of theatrics. A given for a show of this brand, though it would be nice if Neon Nights could decide if it wanted to go full camp or not-giving me the same tone problems I had with The Adventures of MechaBetty.

Neon Nights isn’t exactly the most original of noir shows out there and lacks a certain element of surprise and critical thinking that I often found in my listening of The Penumbra. The supernatural edge can often leave mysteries a little hollow with the villains made apparent in just a few minutes of screen time and the explanations and build up being boiled down to “because magic”. 

Despite this, I can’t say I wasn’t entertained and that the show didn’t have me interested in what new mystery might bubble to the surface. I’m more intrigued by the bigger picture being painted here and I certainly didn’t leave behind the feed feeling unsatisfied. The cases are just creative enough to get you interested in the conclusion and you certainly don’t mind the characters you get to go on the journey with.

Listening to Neon Nights is just fulfilling enough to keep you coming back if not out of curiosity then at least some fun world building and a nice supernatural twinge to the noir formula. It’s an easy and digestible listen that may not be trying to reinvent the wheel but at least has all the pieces to be turning in the first place.

[briangroth27]

Solo: A Star Wars Story Review

Solo, like Rogue One before it, didn’t seem like a story I absolutely needed to know. That said, it’s also like Rogue One in that it’s an entertaining and well-made movie, while being quite fun and deepening several aspects of the Star Wars canon as well. Solo does lose a bit of momentum at the end, but I still think it’s worth a watch! Full Spoilers... Alden Ehrenreich was likable and charming as Han, pulling off the iconic Solo demeanor with a more optimistic twist. He doesn’t play the character exactly like Harrison Ford did, but there’s enough of Ford in the performance and writing to believe this is the same person. I'm glad they didn't make him a suave ladies' man like a lot of fans seem to think he was in the Original Trilogy: Han’s always been an overly confident guy who relies more on luck and improvisation than his actual capabilities, but he’s extremely devoted to the people he loves (and not smooth about his feelings; he’s totally thrown by Leia). I loved the layered performance Ehrenreich gave, where you could tell Han isn’t always quite as good as he needs to be about disguising his insecurities despite boasting about what he can do; if there’s a moment of silence, he starts to break. Han’s arc must’ve been a difficult path to tread here, since A New Hope already covers Han’s transition from selfish scoundrel to hero, so Solo should’ve taken him from some origin point to at least the beginnings of his scoundrel nature. While they got him there plot-wise, sending him and Chewie (Joonas Suotamo) off to do jobs for Jabba, I’m not sure his character changes much at all, because he was already a boastful scoundrel when he was stealing to survive at the beginning of the movie. That’s the only issue I had with Han’s arc in this film: I wouldn't say he changes very much at all, except he's jaded by love and slightly less optimistic by the end. I do wonder if Val’s (Thandie Newton) dedication to getting a heist done—even at the expense of her own life and despite the fact that they don’t succeed in that heist anyway—was meant to show us why Han is so willing to “dump his cargo at the first sign of trouble.” If so, I would’ve liked to see more of a reaction to her death from him, though we do get to see Han see Beckett’s (Woody Harrelson) reaction to her death. Combining this with Qi’ra (Emilia Clarke) leaving Han at the end of the movie, I wonder if he simply figures that no score is worth dying for when not even love lasts.

At first I didn’t mind one way or another about the revelation that “Solo” isn’t Han’s real name, just something given to him as he was enlisting in the Imperial Navy to get off Corellia, but this Mary Sue article changed my mind by pointing out that he continued using the Solo name and was so proud of it that he passed it down to Ben. I really like that choice now! It’s also cool that Han is so much a nobody that he has no last name, giving him a connection to Rey that deepens the instant recognition and familiarity he sees in her in The Force Awakens. He takes to her so quickly not because he secretly knows who her parents are, but because he’s been exactly where she is: a nobody who’s waiting on someone who will never come back. Han having been an Imperial officer who washed out in the face of war and disagreed with the Imperial stance that they were not hostiles also makes him a parallel to Finn, giving some more weight to Han seeing right through him but working with him anyway in TFA. That was a really cool, stealth strengthening of that trio’s bond in Episode VII.

I liked Han’s friendship with Chewie and enjoyed seeing them meet and build their relationship. Chewie doesn’t get much to do here, but I did enjoy the comedic banter between him and Han. If there are sequels to Solo, I hope Chewie gets an arc of his own instead of just being Han’s backup like he’s always been. I’d also love to see his partnership with Han grow and deepen into a true friendship. I could’ve done without Chewie actually ripping a guy’s arms off in this movie, though. In A New Hope, Han’s threat to C-3PO about Chewie doing that always felt like he was screwing with the droid, not that Chewie was actually that violent. There’s nothing in the movies to suggest Chewie would tear people apart either (even strangling Lando in Empire isn’t as brutal as ripping people into pieces). Oh well; this was one of the few moments in the movie that felt like they were compelled to pay off a throwaway line or bit of lore when they really didn’t have to. Another was Han getting his iconic gun, but that one didn’t feel as much like a Moment so I didn’t mind it. Also, I know exactly why they had Han shoot first here, but that sorta doesn't make sense if (officially) the older, more jaded Han doesn't.

Donald Glover was far and away the best and most charismatic part of the movie and he owns every scene he's in. While Ehrenreich’s take on Han was more like what Chris Pine did with Shatner’s Kirk—incorporating small things that captured the essence of the original version while feeling new—Glover used Karl Urban's approach to McCoy: a pitch-perfect recreation of the original without feeling like he was doing an impression. I could see Billy Dee Williams' Lando throughout Glover's at all times and it was great! Lando and Han becoming frenemies was really entertaining to watch I'd like to see where this contentious friendship goes in a potential Solo sequel. Their cat-and-mouse partnership was a lot of fun, and I also liked the context the movie gave to Lando mispronouncing Han’s name in Empire: years later, he’s still ribbing him for mispronouncing Sabacc. I’ve never needed to see how Han won the Millennium Falcon from Lando, but this movie grounded it in their characters—Han was savvy enough to know how Lando was cheating at Sabacc and his first attempt to win it was based on betting a ship he didn’t own—so I was pleasantly surprised. I was also surprised to see Glover get a chance to show off his dramatic chops here as he struggled to carry as much of L3-37’s (Phoebe Waller-Bridge) body back to the Falcon as he could despite the firefight going on around him, and he knocked it out of the park. The two of them established an easy partnership and there were definite feelings there on both their parts, so the change in Lando after her death was palpable (at least until he had his defensive charm up again when Han and Chewie caught up to him at the end of the movie). I do wish that they had addressed Lando’s pansexuality head-on instead of just alluding to him wanting to sleep with L3-37 and calling Han “baby.” The sorta-flirtation between Lando and L3 was a little odd given she’s a robot, but then droids are sentient in this universe (and cultural norms could be entirely different there: Qi’ra’s only question is how the sex would work, not that it’s weird to even consider), so I don't know how I feel about that. In any case, since L3-37’s CPU is still connected to the Falcon by Return of the Jedi, Lando telling the ship to hold together has a lot more meaning now: he can’t lose her twice (not to mention the fact that she was literally falling apart in Solo). I liked L3-37 and her growing rebellious cause. I’d never considered that there needed to be a droid uprising before and this movie certainly paints them in an entirely new light across the saga (or at least anything pre-Episode IV). I always knew they were sentient and not just disposable tools, but now it looks as if they’ve always been slaves in large sections of the galaxy. I wish L3’s droid rebellion had lasted beyond where it does here (or at least that it was mentioned to have a larger impact), but I guess the breakout on Kessel was more of an isolated opening salvo, not the flashpoint of a larger resistance. Either way, the state of droids shown here absolutely colors a lot of their interactions with the main characters across the saga: how many of them wanted to be working in those roles and how many were forced into those positions? R2 and 3PO being sold by Jawas to moisture farmers absolutely has darker connotations now: even though the Skywalkers weren’t hosting droid death matches, they were still buying thinking servants. Perhaps the droids the Rebel Alliance will later use have come to them willingly and are hoping to win their freedom as well, rather than having been stolen from the Empire or brought to the cause by their respective Rebel pilots. It seems like the state of droids in the Star Wars universe is a surprisingly rich topic for exploration! Qi'ra was good for what they gave her, but I'm not sure we saw enough of her relationship with Han to really feel the depth of his devotion to her or the impact of losing it for either of them. It’s clear from their performances they loved each other on Corellia, but I never got the feeling this was an ill-fated eternal love, particularly after the relatively cool reception Han got from her when he met her years later. I definitely liked that he was far more enamored and lovestruck than she was, though; that was a cool reversal of what you’d expect in most romances and followed Han’s character perfectly. Unlike other bits of context Solo adds, however, I think this love story makes Luke giving Leia a Force Projection of Han's dice in The Last Jedi even weirder. Ever since I saw TLJ, I’ve thought it was an odd choice to make the dice such a connective touchstone when we’ve only seen fleeting glimpses of them in the Falcon (if you could pick them out, as they were never even a momentary focus. Now, since they're so closely tied to Han’s relationship with another woman, it’s downright bizarre for Luke to give them to Leia as a memory of her dead husband. Even if they’re meant as a way for Luke to tell Leia “good luck”—since that’s how Han views them—that’s still creepy because the only thing Leia has ever given Luke “for luck” was a kiss before they knew they were siblings. I still think Luke should've given Leia a projection of the medal she gave Han at the end of ANH instead. Han, Luke, Leia and the audience would've been emotionally connected to the revelation that he’d kept it all these years. Oh well, back to Solo.

I wish Qi’ra had been revealed as the true crime lord the whole time. She takes over the role in the end and my guess is Solo 2 will have her and Han as enemies, but it felt like we would’ve gotten a more compelling hero/villain standoff here if she and Han were openly at odds. Qi’ra leaving Han would’ve been more impactful coupled by the revelation that she’d been pulling the strings all along as well, since Han wouldn’t have been able to see that coming. I don’t believe heroes always need a personal connection to the villain to make for compelling drama, but Han’s relationship with Qi’ra developing into enmity would’ve been far more interesting than the threat of Dryden Vos (Paul Bettany) killing them all because of a lost shipment. Not only is that a less resonant argument with Han’s character and outlook, it’s something we’ve seen from countless crime lords in the Star Wars galaxy before. Qi’ra having been shaped by her experiences since Corellia into a woman who uses her head to survive instead of her heart as a guide (like Han does) is definitely a setup brimming with the potential to make her more interesting than “the woman who doesn’t love Han anymore.” However, I would’ve liked to see her more active side at the forefront instead of her past experiences just providing a reason why she’d choose crime over Han. Maybe she could’ve been planning on stealing the fuel shipment they stole from Kessel to start her own crime empire and overthrow Dryden—and using Han’s love for her to do it—all along; something to make her more than a damsel needing Han to save her from servitude to Vos. I did like that she, not Han, got to eliminate Vos in a pretty cool fight, though. I’m also interested to see where her new partnership with Darth Maul (Sam Witwer, Ray Park) goes.

Maul’s cameo was great and I'm very interested to see how he’s reincorporated into the film side of the universe. He had a cool visual and thrilling fights in Episode I, but his appearances on Clone Wars and Rebels have made him one of my favorite Star Wars characters—the fact that he willed himself to stay alive after Obi-Wan cut him in half is fascinating!—and I’m very excited to see where he goes from here. I have no idea when this is supposed to fall on the timeline, though: I would think he’d be in his "Old Master"/obsessive hunter phase from Rebels by now and not trying to build his criminal empire like he was during Clone Wars.

I think the weakest link in Solo is Dryden Vos, unfortunately. He didn’t interest me as a villain at all nor did he come off like a major threat, and that made the last act of the movie (everything after the Kessel Run) feel slow, like the tension and momentum dropped out of the film (though never to a point where the movie or the experience was ruined for me). A galactic scramble for hyperfuel is a fine idea and it’s a good McGuffin for a movie about smugglers, thieves, and pirates, but playing Vos as a run-of-the-mill space gangster fell flat for me. Perhaps there’s a parallel to be found between Vos and Beckett in terms of their training Han and Qi’ra only to be killed by them, but Vos’ implied brutality and threats of death still came off as less than imposing. Speaking of Beckett, I liked the guidance he gave Han in setting him down his smuggler’s path, but I think the movie rushed Han’s reaction to Beckett betraying him. I wish Han had been hurt more by Beckett turning on him, even if he did see it coming (I do like that he was clever enough to outwit Beckett): Han could’ve been hoping he was wrong and that moment could’ve been a bigger gut punch than it was. The revelation that pirate Enfys Nest (Erin Kellyman) isn’t actually a villain at all, but is trying to prevent the hyperfuel from falling into the wrong hands so she can turn it over to the Rebellion isn’t a problem for her earlier attack on Beckett’s crew as they try to rob a train (a very cool sequence), but it does hurt the standoff with Han at the end a little. I imagine on a second watch, that scene will feel significantly less tense. Despite the movie dragging a bit at the end, it has a great balance of big action and chase scenes, humor, heart, and emotional weight! The tone was especially impressively consistent, given the directorial shakeup during filming. I do wish the movie had a more vibrant color palette: it looked too dark at times and pretty washed out for the rest. The scope of the universe was great and it was nice to have a small story that didn't involve a superweapon of some sort, even if a galactic fuel shortage could lead to cataclysmic events and inhumanity we haven’t seen in the other films. As much as this is being sold as a western heist movie, I kinda wish the Kessel theft was slicker or more tied to Star Wars technology like the train robbery was. It quickly devolved from a planned heist to a frantic scramble and it would've been nice to see the former instead (even though the sequence we got was great on its own terms). Perhaps we’ll get to see more polished thieves at work in Solo 2. When this movie was announced, I absolutely did not want to see Han win the Falcon from Lando or do the Kessel Run: both are world-building throwaway lines only necessary for setting up the uneasy friendship between the guys and establishing that the Falcon is famously fast, and neither needed to be more than that. However, since both were done well I don’t mind that we saw them here. The Run was far better than I expected it to be and I loved the inclusion of space monsters; I wish there had been more of them. I liked John Powell’s score a lot and it tied in iconic bits of John Williams’ work perfectly. All the shout-outs to bits of Star Wars extended canon were fun; even that 90s video game Masters of Teras Kasi got a mention!

Despite my misgivings about the momentum of the third act, by no means did this film put me off the idea of solo films (or Solo films). I’d love a young Leia movie and I’d absolutely watch a Lando film. I wouldn’t want it to be a prequel to Solo, though: I don't need to see how he got charming or how he won the Falcon in the first place. Just watching him scam his way across the galaxy (and maybe spreading L3’s message of droid freedom?) would be excellent. I also hope we get a direct sequel to Solo, but if we don't, this didn't feel unfinished or rushed.

Solo’s a fun thrill ride with heart! It features engaging depictions of characters we already know and love, introduces new ones with interesting potential, and adds a lot of context to moments and character relationships in all three Star Wars trilogies. It’s definitely worth seeing!

Check out more reviews, opinions, theories, and original short stories here!

[technewss15-blog]

Funny To A Point – Heeding The Call In Destiny 2

After years of listening to gamers gripe about how the original Destiny ruined their lives in every conceivable way (even as they logged in hundreds of hours), Destiny 2 is finally here. Does the shiny new sequel provide Bungie with the redemption it doesn’t really need and has never asked for? Seeing as how all the early criticism has focused on the way shaders are used to paint your guardian pretty colors, it seems like the answer is yes. But we all know that the real verdict won’t be rendered until the professional critics weigh in – and we all know that the only professional critic that really matters is ME. Well, fear not, dear readers: Like my hideous Smurfette of a guardian, I am up to the task and ready to save the day!

Full disclosure: I never actually managed to finish the original Destiny. I played for about a week or so when the game first came out, but lost interest when that weird emo prince showed up in the incomprehensible-yet-paradoxically-simple story. My experience with Destiny since then has been downloading every new expansion and then feeling progressively more guilty for not actually playing them.

So what imbues me with the expertise needed to weigh in on Destiny 2, you ask? Well, for starters I was one of the first critics to identify and outline some of the major problems of the first Destiny – I was so early, in fact, that I received a massive amount of hate from the same super fans who would become Destiny’s super haters once they realized I knew what the hell I was talking about. I also cracked Destiny’s biggest secret, which has still eluded everyone else, so I think that makes me the King of Destiny? I dunno. Anywho, let’s get on with it, shall we?

Note: You can click on any of the pictures for a better look at whatever misadventures are being documented.

Destiny 2’s opening cinematic lays out the series’ plot like it’s reading a picture book to a child, and it’s a decision that I wholly appreciate. At this point, all I really remember about the first game is that a giant ping-pong ball gave my zombie soldier some sweet superpowers, which I used to kill a bunch of angry aliens as I searched for shiny balls engrams to score more loot. The intro doesn’t contain any huge revelations (“a mysterious good force is fighting a mysterious evil force!”), but I no longer felt the need to look up a plot synopsis on a Destiny fan wiki after watching it, and for that I’m eternally grateful.

Actually, Destiny 2’s intro did contain one particularly rude revelation: Because I didn’t max out my Destiny 1 guardian (I’m going to go ahead and blame Prince Creep for that), I can’t import her into the sequel. So as far as I can tell, from a lore perspective my original guardian gets blasted to smithereens during the cabal attack that kicks off Destiny 2. Not being able to carry over my character isn’t a huge loss, but it does undermine the fantasy a bit:

The Speaker: “You are the chosen Guardian, who will rise from the dead and save humanity from the galaxy’s greatest thr–“

*BLAMMO!!!* [Guardian’s head explodes into a fine mist.]

The Speaker: [Shuffling over to the next corpse] “Ahem…You are the chosen guardian…”

Anyway, with my old guardian now super-forever dead, I resign myself to creating a new character from scratch. I go with the Hunter class, because like me they are crafty and roguish and it’s my fantasy world so I’ll believe whatever I want! I also opt for a female Awoken, because humans are boring and robots are probably going to kill us all one day and I don’t need to be reminded of it every time I pull the trigger. At this point I realize I’ve remade all the same class choices I did in the first game, so I decide to just remake my character entirely. Think you’re getting rid of my guardian that easy? Think again!

Creating a character in a game usually turns into an all-night affair for me, as I obsessively shift every slider back and forth to its extremes before settling on the default position. Not so in Destiny 2! You get to create the exact hero of your dreams – by choosing from 7 stock faces and a handful of the ugliest hairstyles imaginable, because apparently the barbers were the first ones to be killed off in the apocalypse. Normally my wife weighs in on every minute detail during the character creation process, but the only feedback she offers me about Destiny 2’s limited options is that one hairstyle in particular makes my character “look like a heathen.” I’m not even sure what that means.

This just looks like Conan The Barbarian’s haircut to me, though come to think of it he probably was a heathen, so I guess she was right after all.

I opt for a crazy space mohawk instead, then move on to the face tattoos, which are always being as pointless and ill-advised in character creators as they are in real-life. Even so, Destiny 2 sets a new low bar for the extraneous category. Once again, I imagine an intern – possibly the same one who made Andromeda’s preset faces for BioWare – whipped them up in a matter of minutes.

Intern: “Hey, here are some face dots.”

Bungie Employee: “…You mean freckles?”

Intern: “Nah man, just face dots.”

Bungie Employee: “Alrighty then. Next!”

Somehow my guardian ends up looking vaguely like Margaery Tyrell, if she was thrown into the Mad Max universe and also purple for some reason. As totally rad as that sounds, I immediately regret every decision I made as soon as she pops up in the first actual cutscene – the gaming equivalent of getting dressed in the dark and then realizing you’re wearing your wife’s shirt as soon as you step out into the sunlight.* My wife also didn’t seem impressed, simply stating, “she looks quite striking,” which I assume is a polite euphemism for fugly. But whatever – at least it’s time to finally start playing!

Destiny 2 wastes no time getting into the action; after a brief cutscene starring the three characters from the first game that actually had faces, players are thrust into battle against a new faction of turtle-looking enemies called the Cabal. The Cabal are hellbent on destroying The Last City, which would normally be the name of a piece of armor or some robot butler in a Bungie game, but in this case it’s an actual city. Come to think of it, the Cabal is also a perfectly adequate name for an enemy faction…has Bungie lost its edge?!

What the heck are the space moles from Mass Effect doing in Destiny? And why are they so mean?!

The gameplay opens with your guardian returning to The Last City after some kind of patrol (or a sandwich run for we all know), and landing on the outskirts of the siege. I spend a few minutes of getting reacquainted with the controls, which includes immediately throwing a grenade at my feet and blasting away half my health. From there it’s on to the first battle, though things don’t go quite how I expect.

Even after all these years, I still remember my first open-ended skirmish in Halo; how dynamic the battle felt, and how the A.I. enemies seemed to be thinking and reacting for themselves. In contrast, much of the opening level in Destiny 2 feels more like Disney’s It’s A Small World ride than an FPS, as you’re guided from one small murder diorama to the next. Even for a self-grenading chump like myself, the initial enemies you face are about as threatening as the paper silhouettes at a shooting range, taking a step or two and then waiting politely for you to shoot their heads into some kind of ghost vapor. On the positive side, the controls feel as silky smooth as ever, and the first two guns I picked up were called Origin Story and The Last Dance, so at least Bungie’s still got it!

After a few more underwhelming encounters, the game’s seamless co-op kicks in – another guardian is just over the ridge and is in need of reviving! I’m not sure how he managed to die during this dog and pony show, but by the time I get over to him, a third player has him back up on his feet. It’s the thought that counts though, right?

Our improvised trio rallies around the bald dude who despite being a blue alien is always going to be Captain Daniels to me and anyone else who has seen The Wire (to my wife he’s the captain from Fringe, which is basically the same role only with parallel universes thrown into the mix). Daniels tells me that I should stay behind his shield, but I get annihilated by an incoming missile before it’s even deployed. So that’s how my co-op buddy died…

The Night King shows up in Destiny 2, but apparently he’s a good guy now.

One of my anonymous pals revives me and we hunker down and fight off a few waves of enemies together. It’s a cool, ships-passing-in-the-night kind of moment that reminds me of Journey, albeit with more guns and grenades and slaughtering aliens as they mindlessly funnel into my murder canal.** Once the assault ends, I turn to wave to my teammates, only to see that they have disappeared without so much as a goodbye –apparently manners were also a casualty of the apocalypse.

I move onto the next area and run into another NPC who I should probably know from the first game, but she promptly tells me that she’s going to “kick the Cabal where it hurts,” and then jumps onto the nose of a spaceship and disappears. I assume she’s talking about their space nards, though that’s an assumption in and of itself – how does she know the Cabal are males? Way to assume their gender, only human lady left on whatever planet this is. Seriously, is this Earth? Whatever. On to the next fight!

The next encounter actually gives me a run for my money, thanks to one enemy in particular: Pashk, The Searing Will. I know that’s his name because I actually took extra damage just to grab a screen of it.

No wonder he’s fighting so hard – people have probably made fun of his name for his whole life!

Unfortunately for him, Pashk is no match for Ode To An Unbroken Heart, which is the name I just gave my melee knife because two can play that game, Bungie!

With Pashk’s searing will extinguished, I head onto the next area, only to trigger a cutscene that introduces Destiny 2’s villain: a massive Cabal warrior named Ghaul. Well, mostly massive – his tiny bald head makes him look like a dude in a mascot suit who took his head off for a breather. Also, what is with villains wearing masks that distort their voices? Have we learned nothing from Bane?

I’m sorry, a world without what? Work on your enunciation, Ghaul! Also, why yo head so tiny?

Regardless, Ghaul gives a little speech about how puny guardians are, then drives the point home by planting his foot in my face and kicking me off of the magic tower we were trying to defend. As if that’s not bad enough, he also puts some kind of massive chastity belt on the ping-pong ball Traveler, which sucks away all the guardians’ superpowers. Talk about rude!

Despite just being a regular alien lady again, my guardian somehow survives the stories-high fall off the magic tower – though I guess that’s probably because it wouldn’t be much of a game otherwise (“And so the final guardian perished, and the might Cabal took over the galaxy. Thanks for playing!”). I limp out of the burning city with only a pistol, shooting some strange spikey dog creatures that also barf up their souls when they die (seriously, what kind of bullets are you shooting in this game?). Eventually a woman with a hawk shows up and invites me back to her village, which serves as the game’s first social hub. By that point in the evening my narcolepsy starts kicking in, and I repeatedly fall asleep while kicking around a giant soccer ball, only to wake up a few minutes later to sight of my character being nuked for wandering out of bounds – always a good time to call it quits.

You thought I was joking about falling asleep, didn’t you? Think again!

While Destiny 2’s opening doesn’t leave the strongest impression (even by tutorial-level standards), it contains at least a few sparks of Bungie’s patented dynamic combat, and does a much better job setting up a story and villain than the first game. And while I wasn’t particularly blown away by anything in my first night (well, except for the out-of-bounds limit), my subsequent play sessions have been more emblematic of what Destiny 2 strives for: tense and challenging fire fights against formidable enemies; an addictive loot loop that has me switching up my arsenal at a satisfying pace; and fun public events that you can jump into during the final few seconds and still nab the rewards. There’s also the PvP that I’m sure I’ll get obliterated in, and co-op strikes and raids if I can ever get Jeff Cork to put down Path of Exile and play with me (oh how the tables have turned).

Oftentimes in my column I tend to either gush endless praise for a game or take a big dump on it, but so far Destiny 2 hasn’t elicited anything quite so extreme from me. I’m enjoying the combat and the sense of progression, despite the fact that my character feels more like a mute marionette puppet than a super hero (seriously, a silent protagonist? In 2017?). And while I’m enjoying the game more and more every night, I don’t know that I’ll be one of those crazy people who plays it obsessively for years on end.

Anyway, I continued writing down more impressions and anecdotes in the subsequent play sessions, but rather than weaving them all into a(n even) long(er) and (more) boring narrative, I’ll just throw them in with some pictures and videos, and use the extra time to play more of the game. If that’s not a ringing endorsement, I don’t know what is!

Few games take the term “monster closet” more literally than Destiny 2. It’s seriously just a door with mysterious black smoke!

The European Dead Zone is like a taxi zone at the airport – ships are constantly coming in and dropping aliens off on the same street. You’d think they’d have a better invasion plan.

All joking aside, Bungie serves up some awesome sci-fi environments every now and then.

The hawk lady seems pretty cool. Even if she fell for the face dots.

Titan looks like an awesome neon-blue planet when you view it on the map, but it turns out it’s just Mother Base. Also, what’s with all these potato-chip bags?!

Sometimes Destiny 2’s combat suffers from the level design, with enemies funneling into murder canals because it’s the only path through the environment. Then again, sometimes it’s also fun to rack up a billion headshots in a row.

I ran across these two little frog aliens, which I’m assuming are Destiny’s equivalent of Statler and Waldorf. I’m hoping they play a big role in the story later on.

Not to get too deep into spoiler territory, but Cayde’s torrid love affair with this chicken is as emotionally touching as it is sexually graphic.

There are a lot of big balls in Destiny 2. Just saying.

Seriously, they’re all over the place.

Bungie says the EDZ is the biggest zone they’ve ever created, but I don’t know how that’s possible when every rig on Titan contains an endless sprawl of identical rooms and corridors. One time when I was hopelessly looking for an exit, I ran into a big knight-looking dude and received a Lost Sector banner when I defeated him. In my case the “Lost” was quite literal. Also, does anyone else find it weird that Titan is a class in Destiny 2 and also a planet? Too many Titans, Bungie!

I don’t even want to know what that is.

Breaking news: The totally useless spaceships return in Destiny 2! They’re not fooling anyone, but they do make for a pretty snazzy-looking loading screen.

Everyone spawns into the same location on The Farm, making you look like some horrific, multi-headed mutant. The extra arms would probably come in handy during battle, though.

I was super excited when I got sword from a treasure chest. A sword! Then I found out it’s some kind of weird magic sword that needs ammo. How the hell is that better than a rocket launcher?!

And finally, it’s not a sci-fi game if you don’t have floating rocks – and also point out said floating rocks to the player via NPC dialogue. In this case, ghost speculates that they’re caused by some kind of Hive magic. How’s that for science fiction!***

Need a few more laughs? Click on the banner below to check out Funny To A Point’s fancy-pants hub!

Funny To A Point – Heeding The Call In Destiny 2 was originally published on Tech News Center The Digital Generation

[symbianosgames]

The following blog post, unless otherwise noted, was written by a member of Gamasutra’s community. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the writer and not Gamasutra or its parent company.

Recently, I've had the chance to showcase my analytical work and poster on Thief: The Dark Project at the 2017 Game Developers Conference as part of the Game Narrative Review Competition, in which I was named a Gold Winner. Essentially, what I did is that I fully expounded to attendees the ludonarrative nuances and elements that made Looking Glass's magnum opus such a consummate example of environmental storytelling.

In this article, I shall provide an extensive description of the ways Thief manages to captivate the active participant with its level design and mechanics. The following paragraphs are derived from the paper I submitted for the contest:

OVERVIEW

Set in a steampunk metropolis dubbed “the City,” Thief: The Dark Project puts players in the shoes of Garrett, a witty and highly disciplined master thief. After proving his abilities by stealing priceless artifacts and escaping an assassination attempt by a crime lord, Garrett is offered a fortune to retrieve a mysterious artifact known as the Eye. As he gathers the talismans necessary to access the haunted cathedral harboring this mystical relic, Garrett becomes embroiled in a conflict between the City’s two major warring factions, the technocratic Order of the Hammer and the nature-worshipping Pagans.

BREAKDOWN

As one of the first games to embrace the “immersive sim” philosophy of player agency, Thief uses its backstory and setting to create a subtle but effective dialog between the player and the environment. This is accomplished by allowing the player the freedom to uncover the story on their own initiative, and through detailed level design that accentuates the player’s sense of vulnerability to create a palpable environmental narrative that complements the game mechanics.

Thief sets the mood for each of its sixteen levels through cinematics that combine Garrett’s explanation of his situation, cryptic quotations and a map of the relevant locale that acts as an important world-building element. Maps for abandoned places such as the Old Quarter and Lost City are somewhat sketchy and crude owing to their lack of human activity, whereas populated locations such as the Hammer Temple have explicit labels indicating points of interest.

Regardless of detail, these maps only serve as general guides. It is ultimately up to the player to carve out their own path by scouting out the mission area, circumventing conspicuous entry points that are blocked by hostile NPCs and/or environmental hazards, and navigating critical mission areas in search of loot and objects of interest before escaping. This design strategy reinforces the player’s sense of tense immersion without resorting to extensive dialog to communicate the danger and lore of each level.

The contextualized placement of interactive items also helps reveal character and story through the environment, compelling the player to discover for themselves the location of loot and information. In Ramirez’s manor, for example, the player comes across multiple rooms to explore. Using common sense and their insight on the level layout, the player might think that little to no gold would be found in spaces such as the cellar. But in that one room, Garrett will come across the mansion’s owner counting his loot judging from a conversation between two servants the player may have overheard earlier. The Thieves’ Guild is another good example of important items being placed according to the narrative, with the peculiar location of a priceless vase in a safe hidden behind a banner highlighting the paranoia and strife of the two bandit leaders calling the shots. Aside from the opening cut scene expounding this conflict, all of the information the player needs to acquire the vase is obtainable through eavesdropping on NPC conversations as well as collecting notes scattered in the level.

This symbiosis of improvisational exploration and environmental storytelling means that the player’s success hinges on their desire and ability to uncover the backstory of the level and the City as a whole. Letting players uncover the world for themselves makes them feel like they’re accruing knowledge they’re not meant to stumble upon, resulting in the same rush they would get from finding a shortcut to circumvent guards. All of this is possible thanks to how gameplay necessities sync with the reality of the game’s locales, enhancing the City’s sense of place and the player’s absorption of the environmental details without the need for contrivances such as conspicuous quest markers or dynamic mini-maps.

The City, in particular, benefits greatly from subtle world-building and scene-setting that broaden the player’s worldview without spoon-feeding them. Despite being a linear game, Thief provides the player with a portrait of a rich, detailed universe that lies beyond the levels’ boundaries. For instance, the player can overhear a conversation between two guards outside Bafford's manor arguing about going to the bear pits. One guard insists it’s entertaining because the bears don spikes that make them vicious, while the other is old enough to remember when bears didn't need that kind of equipment.

This mix of pure scene-setting pieces, like notes about how to prepare dinner and ledgers of illegal payments, and gameplay-relevant information, such as a tip describing the incompetence of certain guards that alerts Garrett to potential exploitation of their demeanor, means that Thief strikes a fine balance between gameplay and environment storytelling by leveraging its lore to not only bolster the player’s worldview, but also apprise them of potentially beneficial information on points and items of interest that will compel them to explore every nook and cranny in the game.

The levels’ structure also highlights the sense of danger and uneasy emotional involvement that the player subconsciously feels as it's being fed back into the player-environment dialog. Water, for instance, serves as a boundary between the game's safe and hazardous spaces. Locations such as Cragscleft Prison and the Opera House require Garrett to swim through water, emphasizing that the player is entering a high-risk area. This design technique of establishing a motif of impending danger becomes especially noticeable in the second act, from stealing Constantine’s sword to retrieving the Eye in the haunted cathedral using the talismans found in the Opera House, Mage Towers, Lost City and Hammerite Temple, which gradually contrasts the natural and paranormal threats with the City’s technological prevalence to which the player has previously been exposed.

The same can be said of the rift in structural layout between rich and poor areas, which underlines the idea that power and technology are meant to be feared. The variety of surface materials Garrett can step on, from damp dirt to solid tiles, makes the player more confident in shabbier areas such as city streets and ruins, and more fretful in rich or high-security locales such as prisons and mansions with their noisier surfaces and narrower corridors, forcing the player to devise new strategies to evade their physically and numerically advantageous foes. Likewise, the use of torches that can be extinguished with a water arrow in downtrodden areas and lamps that can’t be deactivated in wealthy ones emphasizes the progress the player is making through the game from an environmental standpoint.

This, in turn, opens the door to twists and turns that can highlight the daunting nature of the game’s locales and the core pillar of subterfuge that defines much of Thief’s gameplay and emotional tension, such as the Eye locking the haunted cathedral’s doors behind Garrett upon entering it and retrieving the artifact, and narrowing the gap in knowledge between the player and their avatar. The sense of vulnerability stemming from not knowing what exactly awaits the master thief can also impact the briefing information the player and Garrett possess upon being dropped into a level.

The sound design also alerts the player to their situation. For instance, once they reach the chapel at the top of Cragscleft Prison, Hammerite chants are overheard in the background, highlighting the building’s sanctity and level of security. Likewise, a riotous tune lets the player know they’ve infiltrated the heavily guarded Thieves’ Guild, and a looping melody imparts a sense of relief upon reaching the sword room in Constantine’s manor. The same can be said of the abandoned and rural areas in the game such as the Lost City, Boneyard and Old Quarter, where the game’s atmospherically paranormal elements crop up. Regardless of where the player goes, the feeling of danger in populous and ruined areas serves to reinforce the theme of nature in decline vs. technology on the rise. By using the soundscape to communicate the precarious shifts in danger, Thief lets the player know that either technological evil or natural hostility can lurk around every corner.

Thief grants the player freedom of movement by making them nimble, but also encourages stealth by making them physically weak. This mechanic affects the narrative from both a player and environmental standpoint. As an embodiment of Garrett, the player experiences a sense of exposure and peril in a hazardous world filled with enemies who greatly outnumber him. From the environmental perspective, that emotional involvement enhances the theme of nature vs. technology. The uncertainty of how scenarios will play out due to the enemies’ advantages and Garrett’s weaknesses emphasizes the importance of information-gathering, which bolsters the sense of player agency while preserving the tension of the story.

STRONGEST ELEMENT

Thief’s greatest strength is its use of subtle foreshadowing to mete out critical bits of exposition. The quotations in the cinematics are a good example. While many of these are pure scene-setting, such as the Hammerite and Keeper quotes that flesh out their beliefs, others, such as those pertaining to the Pagans and the Trickster, hint at story events that will later prove to bear terrible fruit. This foreshadowing pays off at the game’s major turning point: Garrett’s betrayal at the hands of Viktoria and Constantine upon retrieving the Eye. This event triggers Thief’s third and most intense act, in which the Pagans attempt to open a portal to the Maw of Chaos in hopes of restoring the City to nature. This scheme is intimated by the surprising amount of vegetation in Constantine’s mansion which, given the City’s segregation of nature and technology, a perceptive player may find incongruous. In addition, several documents, such as a letter that can be found in a crime lord’s accounting vault, hint at locations and characters that may prove important later in the game. The seamless integration of these hints encourages inquisitiveness, tangibly investing the player into the story.

UNSUCCESSFUL ELEMENT

Thief falls short in its overreliance on underdeveloped paranormal elements, such as ghostly specters and the undead, in sparsely populated missions that don’t involve burglary. Although effective at bolstering the game’s oppressive atmosphere, these entities are mechanically incongruous. Their relatively predictable AI reduces the risk of getting caught or killed, discouraging exploration and diluting the player’s emotional involvement. This shortcoming could have been avoided by rebalancing the behavior of the paranormal entities to more closely match the threat posed by the human opponents, or simply removing them from the story altogether.

HIGHLIGHT

Of all the locales Garrett visits, Constantine’s mansion stands out. Its clever use of environmental storytelling and level design toys with the emotions of the player more potently than any other part of the game.

By the time players begin the mission dubbed “The Sword,” they will believe they have developed a good understanding of the tactics required to infiltrate well-guarded establishments, sharing Garrett’s confidence in his ability to plunder the mansion. However, the associated map challenges the player's initially optimistic mindset. Although the front of the mansion is clearly labeled, the back is left blank, owing to its recently built nature and Garrett’s reliance on observation and hearsay to get a rough idea of the layout.

As the player ventures into the mansion, the disorientation increases. The back of the estate contains cavernous tunnels full of foliage, rooms that spiral, tilt and go upside down, and magical booby traps, enhanced by haunting ambient sounds. At the moment the player gets their hands on the sword, they discover that their client was none other than Constantine himself, now revealed as a manipulative and potentially dangerous character.

The lack of expository dialog on the strangeness of the mansion or its twisted occupant enabled the designers to evoke a specific emotional effect essential to the impact of the story: stupefaction. This scene exemplifies Thief’s commitment to letting the player uncover the game’s story through exploration, with little or no handholding.

LESSONS 

Use exposition subtly to present world-building elements: As a way of compelling the player to search for details that will broaden their worldview and gameplay knowledge, Thief cleverly mixes expository information with pure scene-setting elements that flesh out the game’s locales and characters. For example, the design of Constantine’s mansion slyly apprises players of dramatic possibilities, making their discovery all the more impactful as they materialize.

Set the tone for each level and design them in a way that communicates progress: In addition to the objects and characters that provide gameplay and narrative information, designers should consider the theme and mood of each mission to communicate their level of challenge and adjust the player’s expectations. From using water and sound design as spatial barriers, to populating the levels with different light sources, corridors and surface materials to reinforce a fear of power and technology, Thief makes effective use of level structure to bring its locations to vivid life.

Let players feel as if they’re learning things they’re not supposed to know: Designers should hint at the backstory, doling out lore and exposition in bits and pieces (such as the documents and conversations encountered in the Thieves’ Guild) scattered across the levels. Player agency is enhanced by encouraging exploratory improvisation.

Use mechanics to communicate story and player-environment dialog: Garrett’s constraints and vulnerabilities play an essential role in bolstering the player’s sense of tension, reinforced by an emphasis on non-lethal tools and restrictions on killing NPCs. Thief produces its intended emotional effect by stressing the importance of subterfuge, solidifying its synergy of narrative and mechanics.

SUMMATION

With its deft integration of mechanics and level design, Thief weaves a satisfyingly deep and dark experience. Its tense environmental narrative and palpable sense of agency opens a possibility space for the player that encourages exploratory improvisation, fully delivering on the promise of its title.

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