#I hope if I have a trans son he names himself something really old western

[loplainlointhemorning]

i don’t want a transmasc child not bc I give a fuck abt their gender at all but bc i want to name my daughter philosophy euphemia and if she turns out to be a boy and names herself “kai” I’m going to blow my head off. at least name yourself Astro or Bullet or something kinda cool don’t make me introduce you as Steve to the neighbors

[queertazsecretsanta]

A gift for @gravitaz, created by @dork-empress!

~~

“GREETINGS NEWTON FAMILY!” Minerva announced, flinging the door open. 

“Honey!” Duck said, clutching his hat to catch up from where he was running up the driveway, “I told you to KNOCK!”

“I did!” Minerva said, “and the door did not open, and so I decided to help it along!” She smiled at him, outshining the sun. Or so it seemed to Duck anyway. 

“You are welcome to rob us.” A girl said from the stairs, “Start with Duck’s old dolls--oh, sorry ‘’’action figures.’’’’”

Duck rolled his eyes, and pulled the girl, his sister Jane, into a half-hug, which quickly turned into more of a half-nelson. “Missed you too, Gremlin.”

“Augh!!!” she yelled, flailing like they were kids again, “Abuse! Abuse! Child abuse!”

“Oh please,” Duck said, “You’re not a kid anymore, you can’t use that excuse.”

Jane grumbled. “That’s right!” she said in challenge, “I can fight back!” Jane darted her hands out to tickle Duck’s stomach instead, getting him to let go. “Ha! Jane Newton, Still the Undefeated champion!!”

“Most impressive!” Minerva said, still standing in the doorway and somehow not looking awkward, “Wayne Newton is a most formidable warrior.”

Jane raised her eyebrows. “Wayne, huh?”

Duck scowled at his sister, “Let it go Janey.” 

“I also wish to inform you, Jane Newton,” Minerva continued, “That I have no intention of robbing your house, even Wayne Newton’s action figures.” 

Jane smiled, “Oh, I like this one, Ducky.”

“Nope,” Duck said, shaking his head, “we’re not doing that.”

Jane ignored him and held out her hand to Minerva, “Pleased to meet you in person, Minerva.”

Minerva beamed again. “You as well, Jane Newton. I wonder, are you what people call, ‘a hugger?’” 

Duck could see three whole jokes pass through Jane’s head that she swallowed down. “Yes, I most certainly am--”

Minerva swooped Jane up into one of her classic bone-crushing hugs. Jane groaned as the air left her lungs, while Duck snickered at her pain. He’s been there, though he didn’t regret it. “Alright, honey, let her breathe.”

Minerva let Jane down, who staggered back. “Well. Damn,” Jane said, blinking at the hug. 

Minerva paused, “I hope I was not too forceful, Jane Newton. I’ve learned to ask permission first, but I have been told I have trouble holding in my incredible strength.”

Jane whistled. “Oh, I’m fine. Just fine,” she said, biting her lip. 

“Hey,” Duck shooed her into the house, “My girlfriend, you can’t have her. Stop it.”

Jane chuckled, walking into the hallway, and letting Duck and Minerva properly enter. Duck took off his shoes, Minerva mimicking him. “Forgive me for stalling out here. I was just trying to save you, Mom’s on the warpath, and--”

“Wayne?” they heard a call from the kitchen, “Is that you Wayne?” 

Duck sighed, “Hi Mom,” he said, “Minerva’s here too.” 

“Excellent, come in here and set the table!” His mother called. 

Duck sighed, taking Minerva’s hand and leading her to the kitchen. 

His mother was bouncing about from counter to counter, preparing at least 3 dishes at once. On sight of her son, she thrust a stack of napkins into his hands. “Good to see you too, Mom.”

She doubled back to kiss him on the cheek before dropping her phone onto the pile of napkins. “I’ve pulled up a video on how to fold them, follow it as closely as you can. Jane, check on the vegetables while I mind the turkey, and--oh goodness.” She had finally taken in Minerva. “Oh my deary, you’re much taller than you looked on Skype.”

Minerva took it in stride. “Yes, I am very tall in comparison to most hu--women.” she stopped herself from saying humans, and Duck could only hope his mother and sister overlooked it. “Some people have become intimidated, I’ve noticed, but do not fear. I am here only for peace.” 

Mrs. Newton’s face lit up. “Fear? Oh goodness no, deary. You’re perfect. Can you get the platters I’ve put on the top shelf there? I don’t fully trust my step stool, it’s rather old.”

“Certainly!” Minerva said, easily reaching up to grab it.

Duck smiled, taking the napkins into the dining room. He didn’t know why he worried. He should have known his family would take to Minerva just the same as he did.

He was still folding the first napkin by the time Minerva came in with a beautifully plated asparagus, complete with drizzles of sauce. “Are you having trouble, Wayne Newton?” Minerva asked. 

Duck sighed, “Sorry ‘bout my mom,” he said, “She tends to go all out, and goes a bit overboard in my opinion. I mean, this is a bit much for a simple Candlenights.”

“There is no need to apologize,” Minerva said, “I don’t really know much about your human traditions. What is Candlenights, anyway?”

“A trademark of Big Head Productions LLC,” Duck answered easily. Minerva blinked, as she did when she was trying to figure out if something was a joke or not. “Look, back when she left my dad, Mom had this huge falling out with her church, and felt...weird celebrating Christmas. So we celebrate this like, secular version that’s on this podcast she likes and connects a bunch of different holidays together. Hence the menorah,” he said, nodding at the candle that served as a centerpiece, “And the Thanksgiving turkey and New Years Eve poppers….its just a whole grab bag of winter holidays.”

Minerva nodded, “A brave thing to do, to leave a culture behind that had wronged her, and to start something fresh and new.”

Duck smiled, “‘Brave’ is a...nice way of describing mom,” he said, “She’s a character, for sure. Always liked to do things her own way. It’s funny, when I came out---” he stopped himself, reminding himself he hadn’t actually super had this conversation with his girlfriend yet. Most people already knew once they’d known him long enough, but Minerva didn’t know a lot of human culture or societal norms or...anything. 

“Came out of what?” Minerva asked, the only indication of how long he had stopped talking.

Duck took a breath, and summoned her over to his mother’s picture wall. There were two that were further back than a few years ago, the first of him when he was a baby….and the second of him with Jane when she was a baby. Except he had little pigtails and a yellow dress he’d hated wearing even that far back. “So, this is me,” he pointed at the young child holding up baby Jane. “Or...was me.” She frowned at him, not understanding the significance. “Ho boy, where to start. Um, so, when I was born….people thought I was a girl,” he winced, unsure how to explain western gender standards to an alien. Minerva always referred to herself as she, but he was unsure if that was a translation thing, or if her planet had the same gender norms or what.

“Why did they think that?” Minerva asked, innocently.

“I just…” Duck said, “Sometimes...that happens. People use the markers they have available before kids are old enough to really know themselves, and then...if they got it wrong, then those people---me---are called Trans. Like, transitioning. I’m a trans man.” She nodded. “But uh. Anyway. The point is, when they do the telling, it’s called ‘coming out.’ And...some parents don’t react well to it.” He smirked, “Not Mom though. She was ready to go toe-to-toe to anyone who gave me trouble about it. Gave me the name ‘Wayne’ too….that was quite the ordeal.” 

He frowned, but wasn’t seriously annoyed at the memories of Mrs. Newton being fine with helping to change the gender marker on his ID, but refusing to let him legally change his name to ‘Duck.’ in fairness, he was happy with just having Duck be a nickname now. Wayne Newton was something he and his mother bonded over, so it worked out well, a symbol for just the family.

“Then she is an honorable woman,” Minerva said, getting Duck to smile wider, “and a worthy commander, I must go and help with preparing more dishes to be served. Are you sure you don’t need help with the napkins?”

Duck sighed, mood souring as he turned back to the cloth that refused to fold like in the video. “Give me one more chance before I call it forfeit,” he said. She frowned again, trying to figure out if it was a joke. “I’ll be fine,” he told her, quickly jumping to his toes to kiss her on the cheek, “Go help, before she declares you AWOL.”

Minerva smiled, recognizing that one for a joke. She gave a salute, “Yes, sir!” she said, before marching back into the kitchen.

Duck smiled, watching after her. He gave one last look to the photo on the wall, the only one of him pre-social transition his mom kept up. Even that had come with a long discussion, but Duck wasn’t ashamed of being trans, and besides, the first pictures of Baby Jane were important.

As he heard footsteps, though, he turned his attention back to the napkins. How in the hell was he supposed to just make it look like a swan?!

[n1cklybear]

A revelation

So, today someone posted Proverbs 13:12 (CSB) on a Discord server that I am on (not the one I run):

"Hope delayed makes the heart sick,

but desire fulfilled is a tree of life."

How true. Then, what has God called for us to do as Christians? Follow Him, no matter what, no matter how hard. God has promised to lift us up if we continue to obey His commands at several different points throughout the Bible. Not only that, but Jesus Himself said in Luke 14:26 (CSB):

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, and even his own life--he cannot be my disciple."

What this verse is saying that Earthly relationships should NEVER be getting in the way with our relationships with the Lord. I come from an abusive family. My dad literally told me a few months that he literally didn't care about me. So, yeah, being loved is something I have never experienced. Ever. My desire for love has gotten in the way of my walk with the Lord as pleasing my parents with their impossible-to-reach standards has taken up all my attention. In addition, I've spent much time trying to literally buy love from my younger sisters, and try to be the perfect cisgender person for my extended family and "friends" who are literally "God hates f*gs" people, and be the perfect little cisgender male Christian for my church. Why? To please everyone. Because I desire love and attention. Those are not to be our focus. Our focus is to be strictly on God and His will.

Luke 6:22 (CSB)

"Blessed are you when people hate you, when they exclude you, insult you, and slander your name as evil because of the Son of Man."

Obviously, slightly different context as Jesus is talking about non-believers in the context, but it can just as easily be used to describe relationships with other Christians, because as is unfortunately true, Christians LOVE to tear each other down. We Christians are other Christians worst enemies in many cases (not all, especially in countries like Iran and China obviously, I'm speaking mostly of the western world here). As trans people, we are hated. Often viewed as sub-human, including by other Christians, get excluded, insulted, and slandered. We are called to not back down during that. We are to face it and take it with grace, knowing that we will be rewarded for our behavior and faith in the face of persecution.

Matthew 28:10 (CSB):

"Don’t fear those who kill the body but are not able to kill the soul; rather, fear him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell"

We're not to live in fear of other humans. Only of the devil, even when faced with death.

Mark 10:29-30 (CSB):

"I assure you," Jesus said, "there is no one who has left house, brothers or sisters, mother or father, children, or fields because of Me and the gospel, 30 who will not receive 100 times more, now at this time-houses, brothers and sisters, mothers and children, and fields, with persecutions-and eternal life in the age to come."

We are to follow the gospel. That's the only way that we will ever be truly blessed, even if it means we are giving up everything and everyone we have ever known, as I would be if I were to transition.

2 Timothy 1:7-8 (CSB):

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment. 8 So don’t be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, or of me his prisoner. Instead, share in suffering for the gospel, relying on the power of God.

We are not to live in fear, but trust fully in God's power, love, and wisdom. We are not to be ashamed or hold ourselves back when it comes to the gospel.

So, what I realized, who am I living for when I refuse to transition for fear of losing everyone and everything, things I never had? My close family never truly cared about me, and neither does my extended family or "friends" if they cannot accept who I am in Christ, because if one thing I've learned being trans, is that my identity is not only about gender, but more importantly who I am in Christ. If they cannot accept my identity in Christ, do they actually care about me? Most of them are Christians, and they should be accepting of my walk, and guiding me, if they refuse, the Lord WILL hold them accountable. They in the end, are not really hurting me, but themselves and their relationship with the Lord by refusing to help me in my walk.

Now, that said, I'm still scared. I know that I don't truly have a family or any friends. That's why I've been scared to lose what I have now, because losing them would force me to realize what I've known for a long time. But, we are not to be bound to the spirit of fear. We MUST go with God, no matter the Earthly cost. Now, the hardest part is that I do not have any support in real life, which kills me. But, the Lord has always been good and provided what I needed when I needed it the most, even if it wasn't when I wanted it. In addition, are we called to be miserable and depressed and suicidal? NO. Those things are of the devil. I am keeping myself from being able to be used fully by the Lord by continuing to wallow in misery. This isn't the life I've been called to. Now, it will be hard, I am scared, I am scared to lose every Earthly thing I've ever had. But, the Lord demands our trust. So, I know that I need the spirit of courage, but I fully recognize that I need to transition, sooner than later. How can I expect to be blessed when I refuse to follow Him, because wanting to kill myself is not of the Lord. I cannot be blessed when I wallow in that, because I lack faith.

Anyway, it's likely that I will be homeless, never be loved on this Earth (which kills me), but once again, am I to live for others, or for God? I  need to pray much for strength and courage and wisdom, but I am going to start seriously looking into transitioning so I can fully follow the Lord's will, because yeah, that's scary. Being suicidal does nothing for anyone, myself, others, or the Lord.

One other note, continuing as Nick (my birth name, well, technically it's Nicholas, but no one outside of old people call me that, but that's beside the point, sorry I'm a very technical and exact person) will mean that I continue to lie, to myself, others, and God. It's not who I am.

Finally, will this hurt others? Yes, but at some point, I have to recognize, that's their problem, not mine. It will be hard for me as I hate hurting others, I hate myself when I do it, but, I must follow the Lord, and trust that He works it all out.

Anyway, that's my revelation. It will be terrifying, and EXTREMELY hard, but in the past and today in other countries, Christians are literally being KILLED for their faith, being put at the barrel of a gun and told to recant their faith or have their brains blown out. They are being tortured, imprisoned, used as slaves and organ "donors" for organ harvesting, and how insignificant my problem is compared to that! If I can't stand up for the faith when it comes to living as a woman, how could I ever expect to stand up when the government turns against the Lord and wants to kill me? I couldn't. It's time. Anyway, that's it.

P.S. This is also a plea for accountability. Seriously, please hold me accountable to this, because if left to my own, I will never carry out what I posted, I will just crumble under the weight of it all without a force ensuring I keep moving on.