#I havent written since september help

[boilbluedenim]

Over the liminal mindscape

I love and hate how this show's ending is completely left up to interpretation, mainly because of Wirt and Greg's potential deaths and how that makes me feel about the show as a whole. It attaches a sort of bittersweet feeling to it which I'm not too sure about. more on that soon though.

Anyway, when paying even just an inkling of attention to this show, you can almost immediately connect the dots and come to the conclusion that none of the adventures (for the most part) actually happened. This conclusion is heavily drawn from the frames we see at the very beginning, of Wirt, Greg, and Jason Funderburker (the frog) drowning. (ep 1)

and from the frames where Wirt wakes up in the water after having said goodbye to Beatrice, saving his brother and the frog by carrying them both out of the water. (ep 10)

Taking into account that Wirt, Greg, and Funderburker all fell into the water moments before almost getting hit by a train, which we discover in episode 9; Into The Unknown, I think it's pretty safe to assume that this is, in fact, the case and that OTGW takes place in either a mental space or a physical limbo, occurring while they are all in the process of drowning.

Another thing I'd like to mention is that OTGW is heavily based off of Dante's Inferno, which, in the simplest of summaries, is a poem about a journey that begins in a forest, leads through hell, and eventually into heaven, hence the theorized death I mentioned earlier. It's actually pretty easy to spot where these references and homages lie, for example, the formula of the story is somewhat similar, and the characters take on similar roles. (for example, Virgil: Beatrice/Woodsman(?)or even Greg in some cases, Beatrice: Sara, Dante: Wirt.) (please read Inferno or a summary of it to fully understand this if you haven't already because it's actually really interesting).

Rewatching OTGW with this in mind led me to realize a lot of things that I originally passed off as unique writing choices with no actual meaning behind them. Then again that could be the case but what's the fun in assuming that?

Upon entering the unknown, we're launched into a universe with a seemingly ever-changing time period. Characters talk funny and fancy, dress and act as if they're from the 1600s-1700s, and none of our protagonists seem particularly fazed by this (except for Beatrice, occasionally) with Greg using a phrase such as "brother o'mine" and Wirt's dramatic poetic rambles. Everything feels very inspired while also being all over the place, almost as if it's been composed from memories, lying in the pits of somebody's mind...

Wirt is a Huge Nerd.

If I am to believe that this show takes place in one of our protagonists' minds, which I do in fact believe, then I would say that that protagonist has to be Wirt. Wirt has a tendency to go on poetic spiels, even dropping two of them in the very first episode. Accompanied by his teenage boy dread (being a nerd at 14 is tough) and his overextending knowledge about curious things, which he showcases in his exclaim at Beatrice's ability to talk and his comment about one of the rooms in Endicott's mansion (below), It becomes a glaring possibility that OTGW is primarily from Wirt's point of view, with the Unknown existing solely in his head.

I've actually seen this point argued before, with some people mentioning the black turtles on the poster in Wirt's room or just his entire room in general. However, if true, that doesn't really answer the question of whether the unknown exists as a physical space or a mental one, having no supernatural effects on the real world.

2. The Implications of the Bell

Okay, so, listen.

I hate to be the kind of person who goes "Well it's probably just a fun and silly bit that doesn't actually mean anything." but I'm gonna be that person anyway, or at least I'm not going to assume character death because I don't want to and free will is a thing blablablabla. I will however be serious for a second and try to provide a tangible reason for why I think this scene doesn't have any real-world implications.

For one, this scene immediately jumpcuts to a voiceover, followed by scenes that serve as conclusions for the stories of the characters we've met along the way, all of them being positive. I think this serves the purpose of letting us know the story did in fact have a good ending, with Wirt learning how to treat his brother with respect. I also think that ties into the theory above.

Not only does the unknown serve as a mental limbo but it also serves as a lesson for Wirt in particular. This journey is riddled with self-critique, characterized as Beatrice, all the while Wirt is drowning and realizing he's not only failed himself but his brother as well.

3. The Beast

Surprisingly I haven't mentioned the beast yet even though he's very important to the story. The beast represents a couple of things, one being death and two being the overarching, real-world problem. Those may sound like the same thing, and honestly, they are depending on what you think the problem is. To me, it's Wirt's relationship with, and treatment of Greg in the real world that bleeds into the universe of the unknown.

The exchange that Wirt has with the beast at the end of episode 10 fully encapsulates his character growth. The characters his mind has created have actually taught him something, that being; wallowing in sorrow and accepting your fate is just going to lead you further down this winding path, or in this case, to the bottom of this lake. You will never get home.

Unlike I've seen others suggest, this is not a story of a boy failing and dying while so wrapped up in his own fantasy, eventually residing in a false heaven. Instead, everything is put back where it needs to be.

From the forest, through the unknown, and finally, back home.

[deeism]

finished the charmac fic i said i was close to finishing three months ago. god is good

[viscerawrites]

status update 9/28/2024

just a lil post to announce what fics ive worked on/tasks ive crossed off my checklist today! its mostly for myself rlly fcngnhkk buuut its here if anyone's curious ig? Im just chilling

---

what ive accomplished today:

wrote 492 words for chapter 2 of where love didn't exist

today was the first time ive been able to work on this fic (w/o anxiety) since i first posted it in january, so that's pretty nice! tbh i lost so much confidence in it after i lost my therapist since i was hoping to use it as a coping fic while i processed shit. but who knows, maybe it'll still help me learn things abt myself. regardless, im excited to be back at it!

wrote 156 words for my sleep token oneshot wip, the body as a temple ; got it to 913!

i havent worked on this one in a while either lol, mostly bc i started it right before The Anxiety started hitting me every time i sat down to write. i was honestly rlly nervous to return to it cuz i was scared I wouldn't be able to keep writing it at all. but im giving myself the grace to move slow, so. rare W for me.

retyped/sorta edited 582 words for chapter 1 of my hollywood undead wip the exorcism of jorel decker

i actually posted this 1st chapter a long while ago! then i deleted it, tried to rework into original fiction, realized i was having much more fun writing it as bandfic, and then foolishly orphaned the original version instead of just deleting </3 but the good news abt that is. idk if i still have it in my google docs at all. so at least i have that to reference LOL.

---

soo.

today is saturday september 28 (this month is going by way too fast fr) and it's just past 6pm rn. got a late start today bc i was exhausted as shit for a while, then i talked to my mom incessantly for what was apparently hours. So i only got started around 3pm (but i still needed to warm up, soo it took longer. Bleh).

didn't set my checklist goals at the start of the day like i planned to bc i was having The Anxiety and a bit of decision paralysis. and was also worried abt.. Various things. so it doesn't feel as successful today, but ive still gotten shit done and that's what should matter to me.

out of everything ive typed today, ive done abt 1,230 words in total so far. Most of that was unfortunately just me retyping shit ive already written and am now moving from google docs to ellipsus (which i highly recommend btw). i typically prefer to retype into new software instead of pasting; it gets the brain flowing better.

but i did still write some new words, and a lot of what i retyped was modified and added to. or cut. Whatever it needed rlly.

im still trying to find the proper schedule for myself + the best way to juggle my millions of projects/ideas. I need to allow myself some wiggle room while still having some structure. adhd is making this a bit difficult (as it so often does), but it's rlly just trial and error rn. Plus a lot of self-acceptance and focusing on making things easier and more fun for myself - instead of worrying abt the "most reasonable" way to do things. Or anything others might recommend.

I do still plan on writing some more before the night is done, so I might be back w/ an update for this before I head to bed. I got distracted by my brother while writing this post so it's now just after 6:45 LOL.

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gonna close this post off w/ music ive been rlly liking today! bc,, why not.

Animals - Ice Nine Kills (maroon 5 cover)

Disturbia - The Cab (rihanna cover)

What I Never Learned In Study Hall - Ice Nine Kills

[anxious-logic]

quick fic update/wip reveal post! “soon” is subjective and relative and not a guarantee of a n y t h i n g

“something” series - nothing new is written, i have a few ideas vaguely floating around, but i’m more motivated by other ideas atm. don’t expect more soon.

“the colors on our skin” series (unpublished, “something” is a prequel) - main fic is written with the exception of a couple hundred words. after that, the next step is editing, which is very overwhelming, and betaing, which is terrifying. i’m not going to say soon, but also not not saying in the next six months to a year. (this is not the first time i’ve said this about this series, so don’t get your hopes up lol.)

“days” series (unpublished, prequel to tcoos) - i have one singular oneshot written, which needs some adjustments to make it more cohesive with tcoos storyline. may end up being published pretty soon?

“stories” series (unpublished, prequel to tcoos) - a couple ideas are jotted down, nothing actually written though. (this is the first time i’ve known the title before the fic is written.) these ideas probably need to be adjusted/clarified. it’s probably not happening soon.

“dreams” series (unpublished, companion/sequel to tcoos) - ideas are developing, one fic has a few lines handwritten in my tcoos notebook. i definitely need to double check that the ideas fit with the tcoos timeline and if not then adjust one or the other. i really want to post it, but it’s unlikely to happen soon. 

big bang fic - it’s... happening. slowly. very, very slowly. i have a general idea, just need to figure out one singular huge plot point and then it will be good to go. coming in august.

new year, old tropes - listen. listen. i want to write the rest of these so bad. january happened to be an unexpectedly exhausting and busy month and writing just wasn’t going to happen on the scale it needed to to complete nyot, but i have ideas for so many of the prompts. hopefully, new parts coming soon. (new parts do include sequels to quite a few soulmate september pieces as well so look forward to that!)

“crown prince remus” series - this au took me hostage and i have ideas for at least three (3) more fics. one is currently partially written in my wips folder. ideally, at least the current wip will be coming soon. 

helping hands fic - i’m trying here, i really am. i have an outline for chapter 2 and a super vague idea for chapter 3. hopefully soon, but absolutely no guarantees.

analogical week/”you’re okay” fic - outlines for all chapters written, just need to sit down and write. i will really, really try to get the remaining chapters (plus a bonus chapter/alternate ch 6) out before may. this is almost certainly the soonest of anything else here.

“and they were roommates” fic - this has been in my wips since september 2020. apparently i havent edited the doc since june 30, 2021. iirc the main plot is actually fairly close to completion, so probably wouldn’t take too much time to finish. after that i would need to go over it to edit/make it sound less like it was written over >18 months. maybe soon, but looking at everything else i have here, probably not.

various other random oneshots - these are scattered and random and really don’t make much sense at all. they would need either serious reworking or massive suspension of disbelief. probably never going to be posted lol.

that one au - so self indulgent. maybe 3 people would read it. too many possible ways to go right now. it’s definitely not coming soon, but i’m not saying never.

--

irl life has been very very busy and stressful for the past few weeks, and as it’s switching into finals season that’s only getting worse. combined with bad mental health, it’s been tough to get the time and motivation to create something i’m proud of. yucky brain has been getting a little better over the last couple of days, so hopefully that’s a good sign for writing. 

[agreste-image]

okay so to clarify on a couple things with the timeline stuff (like events in it)!

warning this is long af

all of Bustiers class wouldve been born 2001-2002. 

character list is:

chloe bourgeois

ivan bruel

alya cesaire

marinette dupain-cheng

juleka couffaine

luka couffaine

mylene haprele

max kante

alix kubdel

nino lahiffe

nathaniel kurtzberg

rose lavillant

le chien kim

sabrina raincomprix 

lila rossi

felix graham de vanily, maybe.............?

generally, if the character is around adriens age, they’re available. certain characters can control certain NPCs (kids get their parents or families as npcs, so i would control gabriel and emilie, and potentially nathalie and adriens bodyguard). however, im open to having some others taken. just ask.

the events of the show have been stretched over the course of 4 years, and akumas with episodes are some of the harder akuma that theyve faced / some of the most common ones (mr ramier is a repeat akuma thats easy to defeat, but someone like desperada was an INTENSELY difficult akuma). there are many other, smaller akuma that are more easily handled, and thus not shown on the show itself.

given the out of order episodes of the show, well say the last ‘episode’ that happened was timetagger, occurring in late march.

none of the city specials have happened (new york, shanghai, christmas..?), and the season three finale didnt happen. (chloe deserves to not have her development dumpstered thanks-)

kwami, their magic and guardianship work differently: 

kwami can use magic naturally occurring in the world to boost certain transformations without use of potions; example, if adrien goes into a timeline where magical beings, animal people, and humans all live together, plagg can draw on the ambient magic to turn the Chat Noir transformation into a cat person. (ever played kingdom hearts? if you have, then imagine something like how sora gets a different appearance on a lot of worlds.)

miraculous magic partially hides the identity of their user when transformed. this can vary from person to person, due to how the transformations are decided (which is by what they want and expect from it deep down). once someone fully realizes the wielders identity, the disguising magic doesnt work on them anymore. when used by someone from another timeline/universe, it generally overrides that person’s own magic (if a werewolf, for example, transforms with the miraculous, they wont transform into a werewolf while theyre using the miraculous.)

guardianship; im not going to have it erase the memories of the previous guardian, but havent quite figured out what itll do instead. given the finale/miracle queen didnt happen, though, its not a very big concern.

and there’s what ive already had the other characters do:

i started interacting with @eris-the-phantom-thief early on, thus meaning that Persona stuff has also kinda become a thing here. we can explain that away as a timeline slip, wherein two timelines are close enough to blur some lines. i would simply say an au, but by now, adrien has long since discussed things regarding hana and phantom thieves with others, so well probably have to go with that. (this also allows more opportunities for potential ocs.)

marinette has hung out with hana and adrien on multiple occasions. hana has asked if they were dating and both said no. marinette has had a sleepover with hana and alya (and, potentially, juleka and rose). stuff ive written involving marinette can be found under marimuse on my blog.

alya has done a sleepover with marinette and hana. she has also made an effort to get to know hana, with little success. stuff ive written for alya and anyone else in the class can be found on my blog under classmuse.

ladybug has been working with eris the phantom thief at the pleading of chat noir. she has earned chats trust by giving him a pair of raccoon miraculous earrings that she stole from the louvre, realizing the dangers of miraculous jewels simply sitting in a museum. ladybug is also aware that at least one person knows chat noirs identity, and has an idea of the multiverse, given said person ( @theheartmuncher ) is from another timeline filled with general magic. theheartmuncher has also filled in for chat noir by becoming chat picaro when adrien was transformed into a cat, and when he was akumatized. she is not aware of heart’s identity.

felix is aware of adriens identity as chat noir, due to adrien being a dumbass and mixing up the phone his father gave him, and the personal phone he secretly bought. he has matured since the episodes hes in on the show, and has offered to help maintain the secret by occasionally filling in for adrien while hes chat noir. stuff ive written for felix can be found on the blog under Signed. Felix Graham de Vanily

then, it finally comes to what has happened on the blog.

on may 9th, adrien joined tumblr.

on may 24th, theheartmuncher discovered chat noirs identity.

on june 6th, chat noir encountered eris the phantom thief for the first time.

on july 1st, adrien was turned into a cat by magic anons. theheartmuncher, as chat picaro, explained to ladybug that chat noir was on a trip he couldnt get out of, and he had discovered adrien agreste had been turned into a cat. (how he knew?: adrien stole his phone and managed to type ‘im adrien agreste’ on it.) adrien was legally missing for 24 hours, and was watched closely for two weeks after.

on august 1st, felix discovered he was chat noir.

on august 13th, adrien was akumatized into simulacrum, then was saved by @gardencracks and @daviscatessen coming to paris in spite of him telling them to stay away, and to leave things to ladybug (and, unbeknownst to him, chat picaro). adrien also vowed to move out of the agreste mansion.

on august 15th, eris brought chat noir the raccoon miraculous.

on august 16th, eris met up with ladybug and chat noir to discuss what to do with the earrings.

on august 24th, adrien fully moved into his own apartment. magic anons gave him two cats, one of which was a certified emotional support animal.

on september 8th, gardencracks and daviscatessen brought adrien to a large 18th birthday party they had planned and invited the classmates to. he also dyed his hair pink.

and that is the blog major-event timeline.

this is long as fuck and i apologize, but i kinda needed to get all this laid out anyway even if i wasnt potentially doing a timeline LOL thanks for ur patience

[scvimagines]

this is more of a concept ask than a specific character, so I hope it's still alright, but - birthdays! do the mutants know about their birthdays? if they do, how would they each celebrate them, do they think they're a big thing? sorry if this is weird, but I hope it's okay!

janmod SP here abt to crack out a zodiac trait book and assign everyone birthdays just u wait!!! also adding aika because, while they aren’t a mutant, theyre technically in that sort of area

under the cut bc it’s gonna be a LITTLE long, apologies to everyone who follows this blog if this doesn’t work- please be merciful tumblr for once

Aika

their birthday, in earth days, falls upon march 3rd. they’re a pisces!

birthdays aren’t a big thing for their kind- so when they’re introduced to them, they don’t really know what to... make of them. aging isn’t anything special for them.

but they DO like gifts. a lot.

Snallie (written by Chris)

snallie knows. she thinks its a big thing but her definition of "big" is like. she’s got a candle in her food whether it was lit or not. She's Very easy to please

Mutt

his birthday is february 20th! he’s a pisces as well.

for mutt, birthdays aren’t... super cheery for him? his genetic ‘soup’ at its very base is unstable, and the MT line doesn’t usually last too long. however, they are a celebration, because it means he survived another year, and still seems healthy!

typically they’re just celebrated with some extra candies being handfed to him, and some cuddles.

Sweetie

sweetie’s birthday is hard to pin down, due to the nature of their creation, but roughly january 30th is the best guess. they’re an aquarius!

they... don’t care about their birthday. the most celebration they get is an extra helping of scraps.

Lord

lord knows his birthday well. it falls on august 3rd, and he’s a leo.

his birthdays are a big deal whether anyone wants them to be or not. he parades around and demands extra fish, attention, compliments. he’s the star of the lab on his birthday!

(snallie also gets snacks that lord demands.)

Freckle (written by Chris)

freckle screams. freckle does not care for birthdays, either way.

Siren

ah, siren. its birthday is actually on september 25th, making it a libra- but its birthday isn’t one to be celebrated.

due to the massive danger of opening the door without earplugs, it doesn’t get much celebration- especially since gifts could be used against those who come in.

however, it does usually get a new type of tea brought in, at least.

Betty (written by Chris)

betty knows what birthdays are, but doesn’t really care for a big party or anything. she just wants to be with whoever her partner is- that alone is enough for her.

Alice

now, i know we havent talked about alice but yet- but she was given life on july 10th.

she wants her birthday to be ‘normal’, and to do things humans do. she gets presents, a cake, a small party...

it’s... a little sad, admittedly. but she has fun, at least!

Ceru

the bastard himself. ceru was born in winter, under a heat lamp, on december 2nd. he’s a sagittatius!

he does not care the slightest bit about his birthday. not at all. no damns. he’s too busy breaking the rules

Celeste

sweet celeste was grown on may 28th. she’s a gemini.

she doesn’t exactly know what birthdays are. or care much about it. she gives gifts to those she cares about all year long, after all!

Angel

angel was, ironically, born on december 25th. he’s a capricorn, and yes, that means he’s born on christmas.

and this means he demands double gifts.

he’ll occasionally be nice enough to not shock the scientist who goes into his tank that day, though.

Seer

seer was born in october- on the 19th, specifically. she’s a libra!

she’s avoidant of the scientists to begin with, so birthdays aren’t really her thing. but...

...if offered cake, you might later find there’s a piece missing.

Dahlia

born and blossomed in the early days of spring, dahlia was born on march 23rd, as an aries.

her birthdays are quiet celebrations- usually just with a couple of people. she’s given special water instead of a cake, and just enjoys the company!

[themagiciansreccenter]

The Great Blank Spot: @under-the-shady-tree

So much goes into creating fanfiction even before the first words hit the paper. And in-depth spotlight on our writers and the process behind their work.

Tell us about your current project.  

It's about timeline 23 and everything I think could have happened during it.

The fics are finally posted from The Trials. Did you participate?

I didn't, I would like to at some point in the future, but I was so wrapped up on this and past projects that I completely missed signing up.

What is your current word count?

46,405

Do you try to write daily? Do you have a word count or other goals you try to hit for each writing session?

I write most days, I wouldn't say daily but really close to daily. I used to try for a word count goal but I started to get really discouraged and stressed by doing it that way. I set goals like, get this conversation finished, rewrite that bit of narrative, start this scene. On days I'm not feeling that creative I handle something smaller and on the days I'm bursting then I tackle something big. 

What was the inspiration for this fic?

The episode "Twenty Three" mostly. I loved that there were all these little changes about the timeline and I wondered what else could have been different. I also wrote something in a different fic with Penny23 and it had a few of his observations about the differences between the timelines that I thought were really fun. I found myself not able to let go of the little pieces and I needed to write a full fic on it.

How do you stay motivated between chapters/stories?

It's hard sometimes, but I've found that when I start to think about quitting I remember a scene or a moment later on that really excites me and remind myself I have to keep writing to get there. Also talking with others in the fandom and getting that support has been really the biggest thing, knowing that someone else is excited about what I'm doing.

Did this fic require any research? How much research do you typically do for your fics?

I watched the episode Twenty Three a lot. Each time I would watch it I would try to plot out one of the characters stories and make sure I get them to end up how they ended up in the episode. I also have reread the first Magician's book multiple times in the past few months, paying extra close attention to the Brakebills chapters so I could bring in as much book stuff as I could. For other fics, I can't think if much research I've done. The stuff I wrote about didn't really require it over knowing show and book canon. This has been the most research I've done because of everything it involves.

Do you typically write ahead or post as you go?

I usually post as I go and it's what I have been doing with this fic but I've recently decided to hold off posting until I have more written. I want to give myself some time to really work hard on this because it's a bigger fic than I'm used to writing. With more characters and storylines and just a lot more going on. I'm going to see how it goes with this fic and I might keep that going for future projects. 

How much planning and outlining did you do before you started putting words on paper?

Oh man...a lot. This fic has been slowly brewing since the episode aired and I posted the first chapter in September. The time between all that I was working on this in some way. It was mid July that I finally felt like I had the story in place that I wanted to tell and began officially writing the first chapter.

Has it been pretty smooth sailing or rough waters? When things get rocky, how do you handle needing to rewrite sections or scrap scenes entirely?

It hasn't been all that smooth, honestly. Trying to figure out what to add and how things could be the same or different has been a challenge. There are at least three big events that happen in the show that I have completely deleted and one of those was really hard to let go of because of how attached I was to it. Ultimately though, the story works better with those things gone and I try to remember that. There are other things I've cut for lesser reasons, mostly because I think it will make the story drag a little. I have a few I've put a pin in and hope to someday write them as a shorter fic that could accompany this one. So some things that are cut aren't going to be gone forever. Still the biggest thing that gets me through when it gets hard is the wonderful support I feel from this amazing fandom.

Excerpt

“Eliot?” Closing his eyes, Eliot felt like he might actually cry and he took a deep breath before finally looking at Quentin who stood awkwardly in front of him like he appeared out thin air. “Are you okay?” Eliot smiled, Quentin’s eyes were wide with concern and Eliot almost felt sorry for him. What had this poor kid done to end up anywhere near him? 

 “I’m fantastic.” his voice didn’t sound familiar but he pushed on. “What are doing here?” Quentin pulled his arms around himself; he wasn’t even wearing a coat. 

 “When Amanda gave you that note, you got this look on your face,” Quentin looked embarrassed but Eliot’s heart sped up at the thought of Quentin studying his expressions enough to know when something was wrong. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” his teeth were chattering now and Eliot shook his head as he shrugged his coat off. 

 “So you ran after me without a coat.” Eliot stepped forward and draped the coat on Quentin’s shoulders. “How romantic,” They stood close enough for a moment that their breath visible in the cold air, swirled and mixed together until it was all just a cloud of mist in front of them.

Anything else you want to add/think we should cover?

I just want to say that for the first time I feel I'm starting to come out of my own shell and really feel more comfortable asking for help and I want to thank everyone who has been there. It means the world to me!

The Great Blank Spot is an in-depth spotlight focusing on the writing process and previewing in-progress fics for our fandom. It is meant to be an organic, ever-evolving feature. Previously interviewed fic writers can reach out to us here, to have a specific work featured. If you’d like to have a work featured but haven’t done the author spotlight, reach out to us to get started. If you have suggestions for questions you’d like to see answered, shoot us an ask!

[heartsoftruth]

Okkkkkkkk. So all the critique on Neymar’s behavior during the WC I can understand. We’ve discussed this enough on here (my Tumblr), but now that he’s out and they can’t talk/complain/make fun of his performance anymore they just make up something new???

First of all: the article says they aren’t ‘on speaking terms’??? Do they have to call each other every day? I mean… One was quite busy getting fit in time for this tournament and the other IS still very busy with that and killing it on the field!

Second of all is how Mbappé is apparently being ‘mocked’ (whats written in the article here above) by Neymar and Dani as he’s being compared to Donatello…

If you would have followed PSG or even showed a bit of interest in Mbappé you would have know that not Neymar nor Dani started this nickname, but it was Kimpembe (also on the French NT atm). Neymar and Dani aren’t even doing much besides minding their own business, while you hear Kimbempe. As seen in the video here: XXX

Even the press have rolled with it previously: 

And the fans have rolled with the nickname. Seen here when Fans dressed as Ninja Turtles went to celebrate with Kylian ‘Donatello’ Mbappé XXX

That being said if Kylian really doesn’t like the nickname they should all stop calling him that. ALL of them. Bullying is never a joke and I am not here for that. So many of us deal with bullying everyday or every other day and I think we all agree that it’s very wrong and damaging to a person. So if he really feels being bullied that’s actually very heartbreaking. And I would tell that whole team to FUCK OFF!

Maybe what happened was that Kylian disliked/felt uncomfortable by the nickname and just said: “Yo guys stfu with that name please. It’s not cool anymore thank you”. And they all stopped, end of the story. Because in all honesty I also havent heard it in a LOOOOONG while.

But I’m also not here for this article calling out just two names, when Neymar has probably never used that name in public (yes i realize he also talks behind close doors). Kimbempe used it the most and Thiago even gave him a gift of a Donatelo mask, but not one word about that of course… Besides that I also don’t believe much about that’s being written in that article. They come with facts about september and february and I’m like ???? If that was true the French press would have written about that WAAAAY earlier. I mean I’m sure they have way better sources and if not something like that for sure would have been leaked.

We almost know every detail about Ney and Cavani, but all of a sudden El Pais knows everything about things from September/February…

Now over to a short analyzation of the bound between Neymar and Mbappé. 

For example this quote from Mbappé himself about Neymar, source France Football.

"Immediately [after joining PSG], I put myself under his wing and he helped me integrate. In truth I was waiting for him. Before I arrived at the end of the summer transfer market he sent me messages saying 'When are you arriving?' I told him that it was almost done, but when there were so many delays he must have thought that I was lying. Once the move happened I could relax. On the field he always tries to pick me out. It helps a lot when a player embraces you in this way."

And while I’m the first one to admit social media isn’t the truth; we also know that Neymar doesnt post pictures (with nice quotes) or videos with someone he doesn’t like. Or someone who has been trying to avoid him since September according to the article... 

NeyBappé, really (VIDEO) 

seem to (VIDEO) 

hate each other (VIDEO) 

A LOT!!!! 

If I hated someone I would also put a photo online saying ‘idol’! 

OR THISS!!! Yess this is how Neymar is writing about someone who he mocks and dislikes!!! CALLING KYLIAN GOLDEN BOY??? NOT ONCE BUT TWICE??? HOW. DARE. HE!!! 

And Kylian clearly looks forced to post this and the caption as well...

Again I’m not saying Neymar has the best bound with everyone at PSG - we’ve clearly seen with who he doesnt - but between him and Kylian there is nothing wrong. Even with the language barrier they seem to look for each other on and off the field. 

[iminyourhandskara]

I'll Be Good. - Psiturn One Shot

@thoughtsfromaclutteredbrain @yeratimelordkatniss here’s my new psiturn one shot, i havent written anything since a karamel one in september, but i felt really inspired after rewatching 3x11 and i needed to let it all out, this is set in the canon universe, good luck reading these 4000 words!😅😂😁😁

_______

Imra strutted down the stairs, following J’onn’s indications, the place she’d been looking for must’ve been there at the end of the corridor. Strange sounds and hisses came from the first rooms: she rolled her eyes and stopped right in front of the last one, which looked particularly brighter than the others. A window, she remembered hearing that from Kara once they got back from their mission. Imra showed a special DEO badge to the agent guarding the cell, he placed a card on a scanner and opened the glass door; the golden locks of the woman covered her view, she seemed to be reading a book - probably another idea from Kara - until she looked up.

“What are you doing here?” “Well, good morning to you, too.” Imra raised an eyebrow. “Please, don’t try to be sassy. It’s laughable.” “I don’t see you laughing.” “What are you doing here, again?” “Why, can’t I visit a friend in her beautiful room?” “We’re not friends.” Psi chuckled and moved a strand of hair from her face, before standing up from her chair. “We almost died on the same mission, I’m pretty sure that makes us something.” “We’re not anything. Now tell me what you really want.” Imra inhaled a deep breath and her voice dropped the annoyed tone. “I’m leaving in two days. I’m going back home in the 31st century.” “I still don’t see the connection between that and myself, Matilda.” “I want you to come with me.” ”Excuse me?” Her green eyes tried to understand if Psi was offended or angry, but she only seemed confused. “I’ve been here for a short time, and the time I’ve spent with you was only a 0,01% of that. Probably even less. But I’ve learned a lot in these months, about myself, especially.” The look of confusion didn’t seem to disappear from her eyes, actually it just grew.

“What I’ve learned from the Legion, from Mon-El and directly from Supergirl now, is that our lives are always on a crossroads, what we choose to do with our superpowers is up to us only. I know you’ve used yours to hurt people, to get money, to get just superficial things. Don’t you want to do something more meaningful with your life?” Psi turned around, her back now facing Imra, she looked at something in the distance, she seemed to be reflecting over her words, her head elaborating all the things she said. “Why? Why do you want me to leave everything to run away a thousand years in the future? I’m not made for that type of stuff.” Psi laughed bitterly, lowering her head. “You are not a bad person. If it weren’t for you, both Livewire and Supergirl would’ve died, and we would’ve never found out about that little glimpse of humanity in Reign. And you think I haven’t noticed that? I know you still feel bad for Livewire’s death.” She finally turned around: Imra was right, that mission changed her, something clicked inside of her heart. She was so close to being a good person, more than she would’ve wanted to admit, that it scared her. “I have been a villain for so long I don’t know how to be a hero.”

The brunette followed her sad gaze and continued to talk, seeing that Psi was at loss of words: “I’m not asking you to be a hero. I’m giving you the opportunity of a fresh start, I’m asking you to follow your heart and be just…a good person.”Imra hinted a grin on her lips, “I have an idea, we spend one day, as normal, nice people and then you decide what to do.” “Okay.” The quickness of her response surprised both of them, a shy smile grew on the blonde’s pink lips as well. “There’s one, little problem though..” “I thought we were being good people now, Matilda.” “Supergirl and the rest of the team know I’m visiting you but..they don’t know what I’m asking you.” “What?” She gasped with amusement, “I didn’t know that you were a sneaky little kid.” Imra acted like she was annoyed but, deep down she found the situation funny as well. Psi started laughing, “So, what’s the plan?” “Mmh..Do you have any ideas?” She whispered, remembering that there still was a guard outside the glass door. “Do you think the guard trusts you enough to leave us alone?” “I can try.” “You’re good with words.” A timid note suddenly appeared in Psi’s voice, something she’s never heard, she could only reply with a smile. “Doesn’t that mean that I’ve convinced you to join me in the 31st century?” “I still want my last 24 hours of freedom in this century.” She crossed her arms on her chest. “That seems fair. Wait for a minute.”

 Imra chatted with the guard, “She’s not really a friend of mine but she wanted me to watch a movie with her, we have a sort of pact. Can you leave us alone for tonight only?” The man was surprisingly understanding and agreed, he’d seen her at the DEO and he had no reason not to trust her, she was in Supergirl’s team after all, right? “I’ll see you tonight.” She winked at Psi, who smirked back.

The night arrived, Imra used her telekinetic powers to sneak the key card from the guard’s pocket and once he had left, she opened the door with a finger on her lips, shushing the other: Psi really tried to take her seriously, but that sort of “Charlie’s Angel” act was pretty hilarious, and really, really cute, in some unexplainable way. It was past midnight, the few remaining agents were in the upper floors, she had been thankful that every floor had a window. “We’re gonna fly out here.” “Are you kidding me?!” “Do you want to leave this place or not?” “Yes, but flying?” Imra hovered a bit over her and showed her Legion ring proudly, “You just gotta let me carry you.” “I don’t really like being carried…or heights.” Did Psi just admit one of her biggest fears? “Do you wanna run from here trying to avoid those who’ll try to bring you back into your cell or do you wanna trust me?” “Ugh. Fine.” She jumped in her arms, a little embarrassed, but Imra didn’t seem bothered at all: they snuck out that window, Psi didn’t dare to look down and held onto the hero for dear life.

“Do you wanna eat something?” “It’s- it’s midnight.” “I don’t think we have something better to do, do we?” Psi simply nodded, Imra landed right in front of a empty, but still open McDonald’s. Once they sat down, the metahuman broke the ice asking for her story, the 31st century seemed so far in every possible way, plus she was from another planet, she was fascinated; Imra started telling the story of her important family, her arranged marriage to Mon-El, the Legion, her mission in this century.. “Wow, I’m surprised Supergirl hasn’t strangled you yet. I’m glad I haven’t been in a relationship with someone in a while, things like these remind me of the good side of being alone.” She stole a fry from her tray. “Yeah.. it’s not an ideal situation. But Mon-El will stay here, that’s why he asked me to be the Legion’s new leader.” “And?” “And I’m okay with that. This has always been his real home and we knew that, even though he kept saying the contrary at first.” “So, one of your first decisions as a leader was to recruit me?” “Actually the first decision.” She took a bite from her burger. “You have something on your face.” Psi chuckled, “Let me just-” she took a napkin and attentively watched and wiped away the mayonnaise from her cheek. “Thanks.”

A few seconds of silence surrounded them before she spoke again; “What about you? What’s your story?” Psi took a bite from her meal and swallowed it before starting her speech. “There’s not a lot to say: my name is Gayle Marsh, I’m a bisexual woman from Illinois, I’m a psychic metahuman, my entire family dropped me instead of helping me handle these..these powers. I guess that’s partly what made me what I am.” “You know..in the future, people don’t give their sexuality a name like people here do. If they like someone, they just like them, we don’t care about the person’s sex, love is important in all its shades. By the way, you are not that evil person anymore, that’s who you were.” She corrected her with a sympathetic smile. “Yeah…I grew up on my own.” “I didn’t get along with my family after that arranged marriage situation, I still- I don’t talk to them..the Legion is my family, it’s all I have.” Sadness soaked up her eyes, she could tell that she cared deeply about her family and there was a hole in her life.

“I don’t know how you did that.” “Did what?” “I could never open up to anyone, and then you just-” “I just feel like I can trust you, I guess you feel that too.”

Later that night, they slept in Psi’s apartment, having telekinesis and having a key were kind of the same thing, Imra was on her couch, Psi on her old bed: she realized she really wasn’t gonna miss this century, there was nothing to tie her to this time, nobody. She’d never truly thought about her loneliness until she was given a chance at a new life, a new beginning: Psi just realized the subtle good influence Imra had on her, it wasn’t normal, she had underestimated her from their first meeting, but she had the skills to be a leader, she was persuasive and gentle, she didn’t push her choice. The 31st century couldn’t be that bad if all people were like her: Psi didn’t know what to expect from that huge leap she was about to take, but she felt ready.

The morning came, sunlight peeked through the curtains, Psi woke up earlier than Imra, who still seemed to be deep in slumber like a baby angel in the meantime; she went through her cabinets, looking for something to eat for breakfast, careful to not wake the girl up. “Good morning.” She mumbled stretching her arms. “Rise and shine, Matilda!” Psi replied jokingly, “Are you ready for your last day in the 21st century?” “I don’t know, are you?” She was caught unprepared by that question, but after a few seconds of deep thoughts, she continued: “Absolutely.” “Great. What are you eating?” “Nothing in my kitchen is even edible anymore, you know, a couple months locked up at the DEO.” “Right, so I guess that means we’re gonna eat somewhere else?” “Yeah, but you need to change, and I guess I will too. Leather doesn’t go exactly unnoticed. I should have something in my wardrobe for you, too.” “Thank you so much.”

They were now wearing much more comfortable clothes, Psi picked up some cash from one of her nightstands ready to go. “Were you comfortable on that couch?” “I’ve slept in worse places.” “I.. I’m sorry.” “No, no, it’s fine. I get it, you’re not comfortable sleeping with strangers in your bed.” “I thought you said we were ‘something’ yesterday, plus..it wouldn’t be the first time I slept with strangers.” She tried to hide her mischievous grin, but failed miserably: Imra mirrored her expression. They arrived at a café, and ordered their food; their conversation flowed naturally like they’ve known each other for a lifetime. “What are you gonna miss the most from the 21st century?” “Reality shows. Especially the Kardashian’s.” “The what?” “Nevermind, I was just kidding.” Sometimes she forgot she’d only been on this earth for a couple months, and she probably barely left her workplace. “Give me a serious answer, c'mon.” Imra encouraged her. “I’ve been giving it a lot of thought last night as I tried to fall asleep and I’ve realized that I won’t miss anything..or anyone: it’s probably a mutual feeling.” She acted like she didn’t really care, but she knew that Imra was gonna figure her real feelings out.

“We’ll both start all over once we’re there.” Imra’s hand covered hers on the table. “It’s gonna be strange after almost 7 years spent orbiting around Mon-El. I’m gonna start anew, as my own person.” They both felt comfort in that brief touch, a comfort they were missing.

“Do you think they’re looking for us?” “What?” “The DEO agents.” “Oh. Right.” “You’re not really good at being naughty.” “I’ve never needed to be ‘naughty’?” Imra mimicked the quotation marks around the last word. “I guess we both have to learn from each other.” “By the way, yes. I think they’re looking for us.” “So what are we gonna do?” “We’ll keep spending our last day normally, until they find us.” “No pressure.”

The two stood up from their seats around 11, Psi planned to go shopping, to grab a few clothes before going away, maybe she wasn’t gonna like the new millennium style and trends. They had a lot of fun but weren’t gonna admit it out loud: Imra and Psi shared a special, growing bond they couldn’t define, they just clicked, they had to grow up too quickly for their own good, they’ve never lived life to the fullest, always being busy with their enemies and missions, whether good or bad; they needed to chill sometimes and just let everything go for a bit, they needed to relax too. Psi had spent her last six months alone in a cell, it felt extremely good to have someone to share fun with. For once it wasn’t a bad game she was playing, she was spending a nice day with her friend, a word that had not crossed her mind in a long time: it had never crossed her mind.

Everything in her life had always been temporary, she learned that growing attached to people ended badly, she learned to manage her feelings so she couldn’t be affectionate to anyone, but…for once, after this rush, after not even a full day, her certainties had fallen down. Maybe she could be happy in the future. With her.

Supergirl and Mon-El found them while shopping, by their looks it seemed like that situation was much different than the one they were expecting, but without asking many questions they brought the girls back at the department, Psi was handcuffed once again and Imra’s heart sunk. “What were you guys doing?” Kara asked with her hands on the round table, a hint of worry in her eyes, Mon-El’s look was both worried and angry. “What do girls do in a mall?” “Psi.” The kryptonian’s voice was low and not in the mood for sass. “She’s right.” Imra intervened, “I owe you guys an explanation, so I’ll just start by saying that I planned to leave tonight.” “Leave?” Kara and Mon-El asked in unison, before sharing an embarrassed look. “Yes, I’ve repaired the ship a while ago now, the mission we came here for has been accomplished, I have nothing else to do here.” “What does she have to do with that?” “Mon-El, we’ve talked about this a few days ago. You want me to lead the Legion Of Superheroes, and I’ve decided to bring Psi with me: Kara, you taught me to see the good even in the most improbable people, and that’s exactly what I did. I wanted to give Psi a new life, leading her in a good path.”

Kara’s eyes switched from Imra, to Mon-El and then back to her: did she understand correctly? Did that mean that Mon-El was gonna leave the Legion..to stay? She was flattered by Imra’s words; Alex, Mon-El and many others praised this quality of hers as well, but it always hit her heart whenever she received a compliment about her attitude towards even the worst villains. Mon-El stayed pensive, he was fidgeting and lowering his eyes on his hands. “So why did you sneak out yesterday?” He asked out of blue. “We needed one last day of.. normalness. Before flying into this..” Psi paused and inhaled a deep breath, “new adventure.” The two girls shared an understanding smile; as short as that day had been,they’ve felt more alive in that amount of time than most of their lives, there was life in the simplest things.

“That’s an admirable thing you’ve done, Imra. But you should’ve told us, even though you had the best intentions in your heart.” “Yeah, I think it’s a bad habit I need to get rid of.” Mon-El knew she was talking also about the secret mission she - and Brainy - had kept from him. “I think I’m gonna check up on the Legion ship before..before we go. You can take off her handcuffs now.” Kara nodded and freed Psi’s wrists, she immediately went after Imra as the atmosphere grew tense in that room: it seemed like the girl had a lot to ask about Mon-El staying, and whatever happened with Imra. “We need to talk about this, what happened?” Psi’s ears only picked that up leaving the room, she could understand why Imra wanted to leave all this drama behind.

While Imra went back with Brainiac 5 to say goodbye to the team, she stayed on the ship, figuring it out, taking her time to memorize it since she was gonna spend a lot of time there from now on. “She told me that we should take care of each other.” “I definitely don’t need a babysitter.” Psi rolled her eyes. “Neither do I.” But at the end they both smiled. “Are you ready?” Imra was dealing with the commands and the different buttons and levers. “Totally.”

 ________

It had been a month since Psi arrived in the 31st century with the Legion: Imra asked her to be her roommate, since she wasn’t used to living alone and she could definitely use some company, but they barely spent time home, being busy jumping from portal to portal, mission to mission. Now, they were about to face their first big threat together, but the strong leader and the stubborn new member couldn’t seem to agree on how to attack those aliens surprising them in their own territory.

“We just have to sneak in, you create one of your bubbles to protect us, just for enough time so I can hit them.” “No, it’s too risky to attack them from such a close distance, I don’t think I can do that. I don’t want them eat us as dinner.” “I thought you were the leader!” “What’s that supposed to mean?” “You should know that risks should be taken, even with the possibility of us being eaten. You’re frustrating.” Psi’s hand rested on her face. “Frustrating? Me? You’re the one who has a lot to say on my skills! If I’m so frustrating, you should just go. Nobody is forcing you to stay here.” She froze, heavy breathing, the other Legionnaires had never seen Imra so angry, and most of them didn’t trust Psi considering her past. “I guess you’re right. Have fun letting this planet be destroyed just because you were too scared to do something we ALL know you’re capable of.”

Psi stormed off and went to her apartment, her mind was ready to pack and leave, but instead, she sat on her bed looking at the mirror wondering what she was gonna do; Imra had become the center of everything she did, and she barely noticed, she didn’t mind it. She changed her heart in the blink of an eye and it could’ve been so easy in that moment to just snap back into the bad side but..she didn’t feel like that girl anymore. She liked her new self, she liked it because of her; she liked her. Psi just stayed still, and before she could even process all her messy thoughts, her door opened.

“Psi, thank God you’re still here!” Imra was breathing heavily, even though she probably flew there. “I- I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean what I said; I let my nerves take over me and I didn’t act as I should have, you were right.” She looked back at her, hoping that it wasn’t too late. “I’ve always needed someone to reassure me of what I can do and.. even if you used the hard way, your words really helped me. I am extremely emotional and sometimes I simply do what I shouldn’t do, without thinking about the consequences, that’s also why.. that’s why I need you. I can’t be a good leader if there’s no one to keep me down to earth.” “Can I ignore the consequences too, for once?” “What?”

Psi’s blue eyes were clouded with tears, she reached for Imra’s arm and pulled her in a kiss: the brunette woman was shocked in every possible, positive way, she didn’t know what she wanted but she found herself enjoying this battle more than she could’ve imagined. The two girls were now gasping for air, their foreheads resting on one another, “If we’re gonna end up on a plate for those monsters, like you said, I don’t wanna have regrets.” “We’re not, because one, everything will be alright and two, we have so much more to do.” Imra’s arms surrounded her neck. “Oh, yeah?” Psi tilted her head to the side, looking forward whatever that ‘much more to do’ implied. “Mh-mh. Now, we gotta head back to the ship, everyone was so worried about what was gonna happen.” “Did they expect me to go crazy and hurt you?” Her voice dropped on the last syllable: Imra didn’t reply, Psi knew the obvious answer. “Imra..” “They don’t know you like I do, but they will. They will learn to trust you soon.”

“They’re not you, they won’t know how to.. handle me.” “Listen to me, they’ve barely seen you in action. They will change their minds, I promise.” “Promise is a heavy word.” ���I know.” “I don’t want you to be in hot waters because of me so.. whatever happens between us.. needs to be a secret. We’re gonna pretend like this has never happened.” “But..” “No, no.” Psi put her index on Imra’s lips, “It’s better this way. At least for now.” “Soon.” Imra repeated nodding, she took her hand and led her out of their house.

Everything had happened so fast between the two of them, but it felt so right: Psi entered her life like a hurricane and turned everything upside down, their connection was undeniable and already stronger than some relationships that took years and years to be solid - she thought about whatever she had with Mon-El back in the day - but when things were meant to be, she could just feel it. She felt that whatever she was gonna build with Psi was not a mistake, she had been in relationships and flings with other women, who were the complete opposite of what her blonde partner in crime was, yet it couldn’t feel more right than that.

 ____

Their plan worked and they beat those aliens really quickly, everyone had done a great job and seemed to be softer around Psi now. Some of the Legionnaires had been suspicious of something happening between Imra and Psi, but no one dared to say a thing; Brainy and Ultra Boy had a secret bet going on. The lingering looks, the giggles and the chemistry couldn’t be hidden anymore, so, after two months of “Little White Mati-Lies”, like Psi jokingly called them, they decided to reveal the truth to the rest of the Legion, at the end of one of their briefings.

“One last thing, uhm, I don’t want you to think differently of us or think that I’m doing favoritisms after this but.. We’re dating.” Imra took her girlfriend’s hand and raised it, shrugging at the same time, Psi couldn’t look anywhere but at her face, she didn’t like being in the spotlight, as weird as it sounded. “We already know.” Ultra Boy said, Brainy passed something to his hand and Imra was pretty sure she saw somebody high-fiving? “You can go back to whatever you were doing now.” Psi raised her voice.

“Well, that wasn’t the reaction I expected.” She said, now that they were alone. “What did you expect exactly?” “I don’t know..maybe some shouting involved.” “Maybe there will be shouting involved tonight,” Psi whispered to her ear, Imra’s skin now covered in goosebumps, “but that’s just for me and you.” She leaned in for a passionate kiss, her hand caressing her blonde locks, a smile growing on her lips. Imra had officially started a new chapter, actually, a whole new book of her story in the best way possible, and she wouldn’t have changed that for anything else.

_____

i apologize for mistakes and repetitions, but i hope you enjoyed this, let me know what you think in my inbox, replies and reblogs!😊😊

[uslilbella-blog]

Today in Reality

September 2 2021

Another day trying to ignore flash flood media and the effects of the Act of GOD. I have seen so many hurricane stories since hurricane Katrina I have basically become numb to it all. The reaction to the affect to the next 8 to ten years of rebuilding. Work for the humans after you get all your shots like good kids. I feel like getting a dog. In between looking for a job, seeing footage of the raging water I am trying to have some sort of communication of finding another half. My right arm so to say. Its not going well. But, after seeing others moving on with their lives post covid shots I thought I would do the same. Well I have better chance of going to Vegas alone. Even though all these concerts are being canceled and back to the masks at hand. Some people have breathing issues like Asthma and syncope. I breath my own breath and then break out on my face. Not fun being an adult and having acne. So , landing a good job isn't going well either. I was thinking of starting my own group of meet.com. Who would join and where would ya go? I was going to go to California but I cant due to the Covid in the areas. I have to wait to see my kids. I want to move back but again those people that said they would help never appeared. With everything I have been through I learned not to trust people at their word. Finding good people are rare. Some people cant stand my voice or my laugh and I say to them no one asked you to listen. They are the nosey mongers with nothing better to do that spread rumors and lies because they are dirt. People want things from me and i am not giving anything for free. I havent had a true friend in a long time because the one i thought i had lied. I had neck surgery in 2017 and almost died several times. I am a fighter I dont give up I take breaks. The internet is a place where people create another life. I never did. Its the reality I live. AngeliquePreto author sole owner and writer. not for copy or use without written authorization and permission

[thenameisbinx]

Dumbfounded

i’ve realized something. seconds before i started to type, that my life is not in a rut though it does seem like it. for months now, i’ve been devoted to making sure that this vacation, the fear of the virus, and my time with my niece would be fruitful enough to welcome the new year to a whole new lifestyle. Again, i have realized something beyond my reality. 

a good friend, slash asshole, told me last night that you have to start with step 1 so that you can move on from this tiresome experience. Now, tiresome is somewhat a misleading description to what is generally played out. To confess to this friend, actually, i am not tired. i am desperate. desperate to see beyond my fear of now, because having the same path, plastered in the same concrete as my reality of NOW reminds me of when i was stuck. 

The realization my dear, Watson is this... it’ll effortlessly come to me. the title of this post is dumbfounded because it felt dumb making myself worry about today. what i’ll do today, what i must do today, what i’ll do that people would benefit from, the hassle of needing to do the needful, etc etc bla bla and it just hit me. in every movie, love song, fairytale, book ever written, it just happens. it maybe shit, maybe gold, maybe love, it’ll happen. my life is not like that but luck finds me too often to not realize this now, i definitely, most certainly, needed this. 

This pertaining to the lockdown. The confining experience, caged in a house surrounded be somewhat ungrateful people. now, 2019 was a great year for me, it nearly had a bad ending. Well, it sort of oozed with negativity in September. The moment i realized that the anxiousness could possibly be an illness took a toll on my mental capacity. It sort of led to an impulsive decision to experience something new. Masking the pain through a new job, drinks, men, and whole bunch of other things. I never made it out of it. Subconsciously, it’s still September.

i told that same friend yesterday that i cry in movies now. i never cry in movies. not in fear, not in love, definitely not in laughter. Every time i watch a rom com, or a drama, any moment that there would be a scene too relatable, i end up in tears. it felt like i’m reliving that crumble. I can still feel it like it was yesterday. the clouded mind, that sinking feeling into depression, the eye spasms from crying, all led to breaking down and melting into mush. To be honest, i never recovered. 

instead, i instinctively got myself into situations that would make me have fun, without the factor of truly being happy. I don’t regret any of it, not at all. This past months had made me believe that it’s a sign that i needed the break, that it was timely that i had this experience because i havent had a proper break from work or people since college. This is where luck comes after me. 

I am dumbfounded that the series of events leading to this moment of realization has led me to believe that the universe is the only being that knows me too well. The universe gives me what i need and i should just let it play out. If anyone i know reads this, they would say, “Impossible.” My whole entire belief is making things happen because you want it to happen and that right now is another excuse not to let it happen. (I hate you) But its a fact that all of the things that came my way was from sheer dumb luck. 

dating back ten year ago, it was pure luck to get into UST. a year after that, i met a love that helped me moved on from my first love. few years after that, I had the easiest internship ever known to man. Five months after graduation, a company i never applied to contacted me for a job. two years later, i nearly got promoted. then, a Monday happened. Then, after 26 years of existence, i occupied a room that’ll be all mine. Another company found me and i was in a new city. Finally catching up to present, the pandemic happened. Now, im in my room, unemployed, basically a nanny, but i’m happy. not even sarcastic about it. 

for years, during school, during work, i’ve always wanted to have time for my passions. It’s to create. Anything. At all. food, words, paintings, anything that i can just make is the simplest way to describe what i’m passionate about. i’ve started sketching again. Writing, although it’s not everyday. Reading, that’s not true though. I even made a make-up organizer made from cardboard. My passion is to just make my thoughts into reality without any pressures or stressors or judgmental assholes telling me its not supposed to be like that. 

Again, i’m dumbfounded. Only for the fact that i’m about to embark into a Youtube channel that i would never have gotten into at all in the past. It never crossed my mind to share what i create. Now, i do. This diminishes my dream to be known anonymously. i just feel all sorts of stupid seeing that this is happening to me now all because of getting in touch with my true feelings. feelings i could never express in person. 

Lastly, expressing my emotions, putting my heart on my sleeve has never been an easy task. Recovering from that Monday, going to therapy, even taking medication, only concluded that my walls took me a year to believe that i needed to recover. It short sighted me to find shortcuts to forget it ever happened. it’s funny actually. It took a movie for me to realize this all. I love you, Ryan Reynolds. 

[skywarper]

1-10 transformers fandom asks!

LETS DO THIS SHIT

1. When did you join the fandom?

OKAY UH.. i guess i really joined when i made this blog, which i made, like, in september? i think???

2. What was your first experience with transformers?

okay so FIRST first experience. when i was younger tfa was airing on tv and like. i caught it from time to time, i didnt like it (I was quick to brush off anything i didnt think id like) so i didnt watch it but there was one or two scenes i got deja vu when watching tfa for real

3. What was the first show you watched? First episode?

about a year ago my friend was streaming tfp and i joined just because i wanted something to do at the time, they were streaming the skyquake episode and idk i just fell in love fsr? i immediately started watching the rest after the stream ended and boy howdy

4. What was your first transformers figure?

IT WAS…….rid15 deployer fracture.. i knew there were tf toys at one of the toystores i frequent and after watching rid15 a bit i decided to go get one, it was inbetween sideswipe and fracture and tbh i love fracture so i got him.. im not a big fan of the figure itself BUT it came with airrazor so all is good

5. Autobots or Decepticons? Why?

decepticons…for a start ive just always been into villains/bad guys but as im older now i relate . to decepticons. a lot? theyre pretty hard-coded as an oppressed minority who are Angry and get punished for trying to change the status quo and like honestly thats relatable as hell esp after shit ive dealt with through teenagehood and becoming aware of everything that makes me ‘lesser’. decepticons seem more likely to be written as mentally ill/etc which helps as well. theyre just. more relatable. i dont hate autobots at all and i do have favourite autobots i just cant relate to them like i can decepticons

6. Who is your favorite Autobot?

OH GEEZ IDK..probably skyfire or blurr. or all the rescue bots if they count?

7. Who is your favorite Decepticon?

this is hard i hjave so many favourites. i guess obviously starscream is me so my favourite? then the other seekers. then like., the rest of the main decepticons. then DJD. then rid15 decepticons. then idk after that

8. If you were a transformer, what would your alt mode be? Why?

a f-15 you fool/s

9. RIRFIB or RIBFIR?

RIBFIR… idk i was introduced to rumble+frenzy through the g1 cartoon since obvs i wasnt fuckin alive during the 80s. in hindsight i sort of see that RIRFIB fits their personalities/abilities a lot more but like i also dont care. esp since i have rumble n frenzy in my system, rumble is very peppy and upbeat (which is purple to me) and frenzy is very quiet and Goth (which is black/red to me) SO in a way they fit both i just prefer RIBFIR. though bonus points for any continuity that just constantly answers “which one is which” with non-answers because thats hilarious

10. Favorite transformers show/game/comic?

MAN I DONT KNOW.. ill rank the main ones in order to most to least (but still favourite) favourite. g1, rescue bots, tfp, rid15, tfa and bayverse. idw/mtmte is pretty high too but idk where. i havent gotten through bw yet so dont ask me abt that

[specialchan]

Why There Is No God: Simple Responses to 20 Common Arguments for the Existence of God - Debunked via /r/islam

Why There Is No God: Simple Responses to 20 Common Arguments for the Existence of God - Debunked

I came across this book on amazon and saw it was very popular. Let's see how intellectual these athiests are. I haven't read the book only what's shown in the amazon book preview. I havent seen anyone refute these from an Islamic perspective so I thought I'll give it a go, me a layman muslim.

Chapter 1: “Science can't explain the complexity and order of life; God must have designed it to be this way.”

God of the gaps fallacy is what he is hinting at and is a common objection to the teleological argument as put forward by William Paley. I think a better argument to use for god's existence is the fine tuning argument that there exists physical laws and properties that allow for life to exist and study these laws.

Amazon preview also shows some parts of Chapter 1:

Complexity Is Not the Marker of Design and If Complexity Requires a Creator, Who Created God?

The first point is another common criticism of Paley's argument from design. The second point however is a misunderstanding of athiests on the definition of god. Allah is uncreated because this is the essence of a necessary being. Otherwise infinite regress occurs and is a logical absurdity.

He finishes of by saying:

The complexity of the universe is something that scientists continue to explore, and we may never have all the answers. But there's nothing wrong with that. Not knowing the answer to a question is not a valid excuse for making up a fairytale to explain it.

Science can't answer metaphysical questions. By this logic, trying to do philosophy is making up fairytales. Just another example of scientism by athiests.

Chapter 2: “God's existence is proven by scripture.”

Considering the type of stuff people come up with to try and explain how the Qu'ran came to be, by Occam's razor I will take Allah as the simplest explanation.

Amazon preview shows further:

Additionally, the scriptures themselves are rife with contradictions. Ultimately, they are books that were written by fallible humans, and though there may be some grains of historical truth within them, there is also ample hyperbole, speculation and mythology.

He went out of his way in the introduction to talk about:

One concept you'll see come up repeatedly in this book is the idea of the burden of proof. During any debate, it's the job of a person making a claim to provide support, evidence and reasoning for that claim. It simply doesn't make sense to make an unfounded claim with no evidence to back it and demand that the other person to either agree with you or disprove your unfounded statement.

Seems like Mr Athiest here doesn't even follow his own rules. Another speculative claim with no evidence. Like many many people, he lumps the Qu'ran with "all the other scriptures" when it can be objectively be shown to not be the case. However, this is a lengthy topic that has been discussed elsewhere.

Chapter 3: “Some unexplained events are miraculous, and these miracles prove the existence of God.”

Never heard this argument before from a Muslim. Anyways for someone who believes in naturalism, miracles could occur in front of their eyes and they would find a natural explanation for it. Thus, naturalism doesn't even allow for miracles to exist in its philosophy.

Chapter 4: “Morality stems from God, and without God, we could not be good people.”

Everyone has some sort of moral compass as part of their innate nature (fitrah). So this is a strawman from an Islamic perspective.

Chapter 5: “Belief in God would not be so widespread if God didn’t exist.”

Again, the fitrah in every person allows them to believe in the existence of a god.

However, no one uses: it's popular therefore it must true argument. Seems like this athiest has cleverly picked the crappiest arguments to write his book on.

Chapter 6: “God answers prayers; therefore, he must be real.”

Is this even worth responding to?

Chapter 7: “I feel a personal relationship with God, so I know that he is real.”

Muslims believe in the fitrah but still this argument is something no one would use in academia or a debate.

Chapter 8: “It's safer to believe in God than be wrong and go to Hell.”

Pascal's wager I am assuming. I think this argument never works with athiests anyways and is pretty weak.

Chapter 9: “God isn’t defined. God cannot be comprehended or described. One must simply have faith.”

We know of Allah's names and attributes through what he has revealed in the Quran and through the prophets. The second sentence seems like it has been added intentionally to make thiests look bad.

Chapter 10: “There's no evidence that God doesn'texist.”

It's true, you can't empirically prove god's non-existence.

Chapter 11: “If there is no God, where did everything come from? Without God, there is no explanation.”

The universe expanded by the big bang, without god there is no explanation unless he wrote something new that I haven't heard athiests say before. If he says "we don't know" then that is also making a claim that needs justification.

Chapter 12: “My religion/God has helped me so much. How could it not be real?”

Another poor argument written to make thiests look bad.

Chapter 13: “God is love; God is energy.”

Guess he was running out of ideas.

Chapter 14: “The laws of logic prove the existence of God.”

It is not irrational to think that god exists. Common response would then be "a flying teapot orbits mars" but that is not rationally jsutifiable aka the russel's teapot argument which has been criticized many times. Google is your friend.

Chapter 15: “Believing in God provides meaning and purpose; without it, life would be meaningless.”

Yes athiests usually respond to this and say we can create our own meaning while we are alive. Since they believe in nothing after death, then even this created meaning ceases to be meaningful as everyone will die eventually. This meaning is relative and at the end of the day everything that happens is meaningless. It doesn't even matter whether you exist in the first place or not.

Additionally, combined with the lack of objective morality, people can create meaning doing evil actions and can justify it.

Chapter 16: “So many people died for God/religion. Surely, it must be real.”

Extending book length part 5.

Chapter 17: “Atheism has killed more people than religion, so it must be wrong!”

Athiesm can allow for ideologies that can cause mass killings, it doesn't make it false, but it does show athiesm is not some morally superior belief as some make it out to be

Chapter 18: “You’ll become a believer when you are desperate for God’s help.”

I disagree with this point as well, arrogant people will die in their arrogance.

Chapter 19: “Smart people and renowned scientists like X, Y and Z believe in God, so it must be true.”

Is this supposed to be the opposite of the athiest version of "most succesful scientists today are irreligious"?

Chapter 20: “How can we really know anything?

Was this athiest talking to a philosophy major?

Anyways, I think there is not much substance to this book. It doesn't really show that god doesn't exist and only shows that some thiests make bad arguments just like some athiests. It's the same old dawkins, hume, bertrand russel stuff just rehashed with worse rhetoric.

Submitted September 09, 2020 at 12:44AM by -Shadows- via reddit https://ift.tt/3k41ruz

[strawberryspeachy]

So far on the boys ive talked to in japan - aside that teacher

1) around september i decided to look at whose on tinder. One boy i matched with talked to me and didn’t stop responding upon finding out i was not japanese. He helped me with a couple japanese phrases - telling me what sounded most natural. Asked me if i lived alone. Said he wanted to meet me.... asked if i was free that week. I said yes. I gave him a couple days that i was off. He never responded again - that was about 5-6~ days into talking

2) october i went to a club... after a disappointing night i talked to the cute ... not bar person but like he was on the floor. I thought he’d walk away but he got all happy and kept moving close to me to talk. It being too loud combined with my poor japanese and his no english meant we used google translate to talk mostly. Added each other on instagram and he said he’d like to hang out sometime. I asked about a few days and he pulled out his calendar and both were days he worked- he had two jobs. He said we’ll figure out a time later. We had some conversations on instagram. Then after a couple weeks his stories always showed him with friends. I asked him a couple times when he was free and he said he was working all the time. After another weekish of that i said it seemed that he had time to see his friends but not me. And he basically just said yep

3) december i got back on tinder. But for real. Not just a qick swipe through. Talked to the next guy with a bunch of other dudes. Was just talking. Trying to improve my english. Hoping someone would ask me to go eat with them since that is what id written on my profile. This boy asked me to hang out. We’d talked more and more over the two weeks and he said he really wanted to see me. But he couldnt cause he was working too much. Then he told me when he has a break. I had the flu at the same time and told him id tell him when i was better and he got sweeter and sweeter toward me. Then we talked on the phone and it was awkward and difficult cause my japanese not being great is even worse when i cant gesture. But it went well. Then. Suddenly. Over text the tinder boy - lets have sex! - bs came up. I said i didnt want to the first time we meet and i wanna just talk. He asked a couple more times about it and then agreed. The day before we talked on the phone again - he suddenly said he had to take another call and hung up and then didnt say anything else the rest of the night. I freaked out a bit that night thinking hed stopped talking to me. But the next morning he messaged me like nothing happened. Didnt even want to acknowledge my freak out aside from telling me not to think so much.

We met up. He took me to a shrine. We got fortunes and ties them to a tree... then he took me to his apartment... fast... he said he wanted to watch movies together.... bought... chocolate. I mean great but i wanted real food i was hungry. Then. He kept trying to have sex with me. So many times just pushed and pushed. Would not take no for an answer. Finally when... he was trying to take off more of my clothes and i wouldnt let him and said no again. He asked if i had my period. And only stopped after i said i did. Kept trying to pursuade me to give him a blowjob.

Before that... he asked me to be his girlfriend. Said he was moving soon and asked me to move in with him. Told me hed be workig two jobs for the rest of january so we couldnt meet again till February...

Anyhow after i kept saying no to a blow job and other stuff happened i asked him if we could go get food. He said he didnt have money and cooked bad ramen on the stove and french fries... he drank a bunch of alcoholic. We watched some music videos and he went to sleep.

When he kinda seemed to wake up i tried to make a point of me leaving. He just acted kinda annoyed that he had to even still deal with me being there at that point and ignored me while trying to sleep... he ghosted me right in front of me

He replied to my text the next day with some nonsense and about a week later he told me about his apartment plans. He sent one last text about it before... never responding again

I let it be for the next four weeks... till the days he was supposededly done working two jobs and couls see me again. Hed made story postings during this time

But yea. Never replied to me again

4) some boy who wanted to get better at english cause hes moving to the us. We talked on the phone a couple times near christmas. He complained about not having a gf and said he wanted to hang out. But the times i asked he was “busy”. We hung out once... played darts. He said he didnt want to drink cause he drank the night before and he ate before meeting me so left early.... said next time. There was never a next time.

5) some guy i talked to a bit. He asked to meet up. I agreed. Took a whole for us to find each other cause he kept...... hanging up the phone on me.... he didnt look like his pic and he dressed weird. He basically hailed me over when he found me and then walked fast so that i basically had to chase him around. He was one of those dudes that walks with his hands out like people are supposed to move for him. After about 20 minutes of that he told me to wait while he pretended to get a call and then told me his dog is sick and he needed to leave to take her to the hospital. He said well meet again. Never saw him again not that i wanted too.

6) talked to another boy for a couple weeks. Just about fun stuff it was good conversation. We talked about music and movies and murder mystery parties. About our days and just generally the kind of good conversation you have with friends. Around the third week we talked about meeting... but. Then. Tinderboy - i wanna have sex! Came into the convo... i told him i had my period and asked if we could go out to drink instead. He said lets drink before we do next week. Whatever. Next week comes around. Same good conversation everyday. The day of comes and he responded to me in the morning reconfirming the time and place and stuff. Once the time to meet rolled around. No response. I called him a couple times more so to bitch him out. He blocked me.

7) some other dude. We talked a bit. He asked me to go out to eat. Post poned 3 times that night cause he was working later than he was supposed to. I was so hungry. No he didn’t wanna go out to eat. Bought me some convience store food and barely let me finish eating before hooking up... he said thanks to my happy birthday message. But otherwise we havent talked again. Even though hes a ten minute walk away.

8) then of course theres the absolutely adorable boy who took me out on the date of my dreams.... until he silently walked me the train station. Said bye. And now has slowly ghosted me all week. He just unmatched me on tinder after i asked about it so. Guess he’s gone. Which has me feeling fucking terrible.

9) talked to a guy a couple days ago. He asked if i wanted to hook up. I basically agreed. I WANTED HUMAN CONTACT ON VALENTINES DAY. He told me beforehand he was only free for a couple hours. Asked if i wanted him to pick me up the night before buttttt i got my hair treated and shouldnt sweat so i said it was too late and i needed to sleep. He met me. Late. At the station and walked me back yo his apartment after i was done work. One of my students saw me with him... embarrassing. We talked a lot. Hes the oldest guy ive ever... anything. Though still just 29. It would have been a good conversation if... i didnt know he asked me to come have sex and then never made a move. An hour and a half in he suddenly went

Oh its the time! Sorry go. I should have agreed to his request for yesteday instead of insisting on friday.

Ive been freaking out about 8 and i messaged him asking if he lost interest in me. He never responded to my message asking if he wanted to hookup yesterday. He didnt respond for 20 minutes and then i said either say yes or no so im not waiting. And he almost immediately responded with no. So. Idk.

10) talked to some dude from hong kong yesteday. He messaged me first saying he doesnt like japan and just came for the food. Ive been crying all day and basically hust bitched about japan to him. Apparently he doesnt actually dislike japan... he just doesnt like the bidets.... and i told him my home life sucks so im here but here sucks too so wtf. Ya know. Things that are totally attractive go someone you started talking to a half an hour ago. He said he wanted to talk about food. Im good at food talk ok. Then asked if i wantrd to meet up and look for cake with him. Sure. Shinjuku. The same placd i met 5 and 3. Thought id break the- everytime i come to this city im depressed. Cause before them the last time i went to shinjuku in the summer. I couldnt find the clothes shops i was looking for. There were couples all around me. And it was the first day in japan i felt so utterly and truely miserable and alone and like nothing in my life was better. I was still hoping at that point that the teacher i worked with would go with me and show me around and i left thinking next time i go itll be better cause i wont be alone.

Well shinjuku appears to be bad luck for me. I got stressed trying to find this boy and sounded like it over the phone. But he still met up with me. I brought him some snacks from the baskery near me on my way. We talked. He speaks english. But he just asked about my job... how do you get it. Is it hard. Whats its pay.

I walked past a cake shop on my way to meet him and i showed him the cakes he said he really wanted. He said he didnt bring much cash so he didnt want it.... k i thought that was the point of this trip but whatever. He asked me if i was hungry three times. I said i ate before coming because normally when i meet people we dont eat and i go hunry. I left out the YOU SAID YOU WANTED CAKE!!! Part. He said he was hungry but didnt want me to not eat while he did. So i told him to find a place with desert and ill eat desert while he eats a meal. Were walking. This is about 25 minutes in and he starts to complain his legs hurt and that hes tired. Another 10 minutes pass and he complains more about how he feels like hes floating and his shoes dont fit. I see mcdonals and say i know this is lame but ive kinda been craving a big mac. Its fine if not cause ya know your visiting japan but would you want mcdonals. He jokes about it and then goes yea i could go for a bigmac. We get in the store and he tells me to go. And i tell him to go ahead first. Then he says no he feels sick and doesnt want to eat.... tells me to eat... the exact situation he didnt want earlier

Hm. Gee. I wonder whats coming. I say i only wanted to eat cause he said he was hungry. We leave and then he says maybe its tmi but - proceeds to tell me about being constipated. I didnt try to listen. Btw he was 6’4 and kinda difficult to hear if i didnt try. I wrap that up with. Yea i think that was a tmi story but good for you. Cause the gist of it was that he could shit now.

Then. You know its coming. He says hes gonna go home. I stop acting happy. I told myself the next time this happened id confront them.

We met up at 7 and it was now like 7:50. My train is 10 bucks round trip.

But. I couldn’t think of anything to say.

All i could say after a while of kinda just going silent was - whyd you ask me to meet if you were so tired.

And he aaid cauae walking around japan alone isnt fun. Yeah mean i know. I said that to you over text earlier.

I asked him if i dont look like my pic. He says i look exactly like my pic.

I say a few times before ive met up with guys and we never talk again. And he goes - well youre meeting strangers and sometimes it just doesnt click

He unmatchd me the moment he got on his train. I imagine were still friends on snapchat cause he probably deleted it since he redownloaded it to talk to me

So yea. Same experiences as back home because im me and i will always be cursed and miserable. I dont wanna sleep cause im waiting to see when that boy in 8 will block me on line... cause i sent alot of messages. It doesnt help me to know when.... but.... ya... idk. Someone shoot me please

[bmyselfandi-blog]

mom

there was a time in my life where the hardest thing i was going through was a high school breakup. i thought the world was ending, that id never experience a worse heartbreak than that one. i got over it and went back to the guy a few times. it was on and off. that was the beginning of my junior year, around september. come april 21st i received the worst news i could have handled at the time. my mom was diagnosed with cancer. now she never really told us, well at least me, she never told me the stage of the cancer. but it was rectal. they tell you not to look up that kind of shit because it will scare you but me, i dont listen when told not to do something. now, i probably should have, it scared me what i found, but also gave me hope. it said curable. they said long life span. so, in my mind it was all going to be okay. my dad took it very hard. i poften found him crying alone, and i cried too. we all did. my mom was the type of person to help anyone in need, she was amazing, loving, wonderful, generous, warm, any fucking word to describe an angel, that was fucking her. still is. anyways fast forward about a year, end of my senior year. i start dating this new guy, hes amazing, he gave me the world. i couldnt have asked for a better man. stuck by my side through some fucked up shit that was my fault. we had our fights, like every couple. he did some things that i didnt like but i pushed past it because i loved him. thats what couples do right? well, not even a year later i spent less time with my family, more time with him and his. i regret that every day of my life. ill never forget the first day of my new job my dad made me cry because he told me my mom thought id rather spend time with my boyfriends mom than her. i balled my eyes out on my way to work. i never wanted to hurt my moms feelings like that. she couldnt do much, she was weak and it was getting harder for her to do everyday things. that was november. come march 25. it was a saturday. my mom was sitting in her spot on the couch and my dad was downstairs on the computer. i dont remember my sister being home. my mom asked me to look at her eyes and tell me what color the whites were, they were yellow. that meant jaundice. i told my dad, we told her she needed to go to the hospital. she said she didnt feel well and didnt want to go that day and if she wasnt feeling any better shed go the next day. i didnt think too much about it, this wouldnt be the first hospital trip that month or let alone that year. sunday; i went to my boyfriends to hangout and have dinner. after dinner my dad told and said they were going to the hospital. we then drove up to meet them. they took my mom in the back, i went back with her as did everyone else. the crazy thing is, is i dont remember all too much. i remember being back h=there, them asking her certain questions that made me sad, like if she was sad, depressed, thinking about dying. i brought her up some things when we went, i had this pair of ankle fuzzy sicks that i gave to her, she asked me to put them on her feet, i remember there being a hole in the big toe, she thought it was funny. it got later, they ended up admitting her but were trying to find a room. my dad had to work the next morning and i hadnt started my new job so i told him i would stay with her that night so she wasnt alone. they had a room in the pediatric ward so they sent us up. there were two cribs, a bed and a couple chairs in the room. i slept in the chair that turned into a bed. the nurses were very nice. we got some rest after being moved up there. it was very late, almost 4am. the next morning my uncle was up there and my dad came soon after as well. days went by, i started my new job, id go up as soon as i got off to go and see her. she got worse each day but we didnt think anything of it. turns out the tumor was actually starting to quickly crush her liver. she started not being able to talk well. they eventually put her on a heavy breathing treatment. she stopped talking and responding. my dad asked a timeline and the doctor said he didnt like to put timelines. i thought she would get better. they had my dad sign a DNR, we werent going to make her suffer if she didnt have to. it was selfish of us to want her to stay with how much pain i knew she was in. we had family up there always. april 4th. it was a wednesday. by now they had put my mom into hospice care, we had the option of bringing her home but we didnt want to make her uncomfortable by moving her. they gave us the whole room we were in. 315 bed B. we had people come and talk to us about urns and getting things like that. a hospice worker told us that their phone line was always available to talk on, whether it was a week later or a year later. i didnt have workbthat day. i went up to the hospital early. my moms cousin Colleen was there. my boyfriend came up as well. my dad my sister and her cousin kim came up as well. we hung out all day. i told colleen i probably wouldnt end up going to this festival i had in may because i wanted to be there everyday for my mom. colleen said that was almost 2 months away and that my mom may not be here by then. i didnt want to think about that. my mom would always be here right? that night me and my boyfriend ordered chinese. we were going to pick it up but they had delivery. we were also supposed to go to the store but we decided not to for some reason i dont remember. we ate our nasty chinese food. i got shrimp and lobster sauce, my moms favorite. we were all sitting aruond talking. my dad had ran home to let the dogs out since no one had been home in a while. anytime he would leave the room for anything longer than a half hour he would hug my mom and tell her to wait for him. he left. he got to the house. he let the dogs house. we were sitting there when my boyfriend looked over at my mom. her eyes were open. they hadnt been open in days. we instantly went over to her. her cousin got the nurse. me and my sister held her hand. i called my dad crying. all i could muster out was the word “hurry” and the pain in his voice when he said “okay” was enough to break anyones heart. the nurses knew. we all knew. i held my moms hand crying. my boyfriend rubbed my back. i told her i loved her. my sister told her she loved her. kim consoled her. we knew her fight was over. kim closed my moms eyes and like that she was gone. it was 10:15. we had to wait for a doctor to pronounce time of death. time of death was 10:25. my dad got there, tears in his eyes. we called family to tell them. his best friend was up in a heartbeat. his brother came up. i called my best friends. sarah and her boyfriend were up within minutes. my boyfriend held me. everyone cried. my dad hugged me and my sister so tight. the nurses were wonderful and sweet. it was probably 3 something in the morning when we left. i said my final goodbyes and told her i loved her. how could i just leave my mom in this room all alone? i couldnt handle it. i drove home with my boyfriend and let my dad drive alone. i dont know why i did that. i should have went with him. we got home and i couldnt tell you anything after that. i dont remember much about the days that followed. i know the next day we had to make phone calls to change things into our names and take my moms off. we received lots of “im so sorry for you loss”’s. it got sickening. we got flowers, cards, food. my boyfriends family was so helpful. i took that friday off of work and went back monday. got a lot of sorrys there too. her memorial was friday the 13th. i worked that morning. i shouldnt have but i had to go on like normal. how do you just go on like normal? how do you just up and live without your best friend, your fucking mother? she was supposed to be there through everything. she was supposed to live a long happy life with my dad. she was supposed to watch me get married and watch my have her grandchildren. she was supposed to be free of cancer and get better and live happy and healthy. she wasnt supposed to die. she should still fucking be here today. but shes not. months later, not even a year. my boyfriend and i broke up. just shy of a year since her passing, march 2nd. my friend and i had a run in with my ex. she flipped him off while we were driving. he followed us to the gas station and cussed us out. later that night he posted a story on his snapchat. black screen with the words “ your mother would be ashamed of you” written on it. directed towards me. how dare he say that shit. how could the same man that held me while i held my dying mothers hand say some dumb fucking shit like that to me? i dont quite get how he could ever in a million years say that shit. she was liuke amother to him. he was there through everything we dealt with, all the grieving, the sadness and depression in my house. but what bothers me is how a few months later we were getting back together. and how i could forgive him for saying that. i never did forgive him and i dont think i ever will. he said he posted it to hurt me because he was hurt. but how could he stoop that low. later on he brought her up again when he wanted me to stop smoking. “ how would mom feel” i tried kicking him out, ive never yelled at him before until that night, i got in his face and screamed not to talk about my dead mom. he didnt again. we stopped talking about a month later and havent talked since. he never understood what i was going through. what i am going through. i cry a lot. i miss my mom everyday. i think about her every hour of the day. my dad texts her almost every day. he posts on her facebook sometimes. i text her sometimes. i call too to see if someone new has her number. its still disconnected. i dont want someone new to have her number. thats her fucking number. no one elses. i still dont feel like this is all real and here its been a year and a half. christmas is coming up. her birthday is christmas eve. it was her favorite time of the year. we held the party at our house very year for anyone who wanted to come. it was always a full house. everyone loved my mom, she was an amazing person. a family friends words describing my mother to someone were “she had to adjust her halo when walking into a room” and thats always been true. even now, im sure she visits often. i wish so bad that she could be here, that she could see how everything is going. i miss her so fucking much and i just want my fucking mom back. i know everything in life would be okay if she was here. i know it would solve every problem me and my family have if she was just fucking here. she should be here. she should fucking be here right now. 

[ayz8yf9q-blog]

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