#I haven't done a horrible edit in so long :) I missed this :)

[starscreamingg]

[banquetwriter]

୨୧ untitled ୨୧

pairing: Johnnie Guilbert ♡︎ Reader

warnings: ୭̥⋆*｡ crying, major deppression

summary: ʚ you go through a depressive episode and Johnnie helps ɞ

Words: 1777

An: so this was horrible for me to write and I'm so so sorry

Guilt was racking through your body. You don't have any energy left in your body nowadays, it's the reason you haven't posted in almost two months. It's the reason your room and subsequent house are filthy. It's the reason why no matter how hard you try you never ever seem to fit in.

Your cheeks are tear-stained, and you haven’t washed your face in god knows how long. You've showered sure, but you haven't done your proper skincare in weeks.

Your depression has been a part of your life for as long as you can remember. It gets better, sometimes, other times it drains you of everything you have. Every day felt like a battle for you. You sigh looking at your phone it is almost 4 pm.

Your boyfriend, Johnnie, had texted you almost 2 hours ago. The rough nights you experienced led you to wake up late in the afternoon, so the plan usually involved Johnnie heading over whenever you woke up or after he was done filming.

He has wished you a good ‘morning’ and to let him know when he could head over. You wanted to indulge, truly you did, but Johnnie didn't deserve that. He had enough in his life to worry about. There was no need to worry him with your pathetic life.

The issue is you couldn't keep him on the hook like this. You sighed picking up your phone, you numbly typed out a plain excuse, telling him today wouldn't work. You put the phone down and roll over in your bed again.

You sat curled in a little ball staring out your window. There were crows sitting on top of the next-door building. You sat and quietly observed the birds, watching them move side to side. You wish life were that simple, all you had to worry about was eating and flying around.

You didn't have to worry about the eternally crushing depression that sucks your life form. Your face heated up again with the thought of Johnnies, tears pooling in your eyes.

You missed him so much. He was such a caring loving person, it wasn't always easy for him to show that. He had his ways though. Always make sure you eat, get decent sleep, etc.

Your relationship was usually the opposite way, you know just how much he struggled. You were going to be there for absolutely all of it no matter what. Nothing was going to stop you from loving him. He shouldn't have to worry about you.

But he did, it was the reason why when he saw your texting while editing he immediately called you. You were always such a beacon of positivity for him. He knew the signs, from himself and his friends. You had stopped eating unless he forced you to.

You were wearing long sleeves and sweatpants only. You never went out, just stayed in your room. He can't even remember the last time you said more than a few words to him in a single conversation. He placed the phone next to his ear and nervously tapped his foot on the floor of his room.

“Hello?” you answered with a croak. Johnnie never called you unless he really really missed your voice. Which for him was usually the case when it was nighttime. Those were extreme cases, he hated talking on the phone and absolutely despised it. Too many nerves for him.

He didn't speak for a second, half expecting you not to answer for some reason. “Hey,” he starts. You hold your breath for a second knowing what the conversation was about before he even started to speak.

“Can I please come over? I'm worried about you.”Johnnie says over the phone, fiddling with the zipper of his jacket. You inhaled with a shaky breath. “You can. It won't be a lot of fun though,” you mumbled back to him fiddling with your piercing.

“Well- when can I come over?” he asked. This awkward tension filled the phone line, the systematic white noise causing your heart to beat heavily. “Whenever you want Johnnie I'm not leaving the house anytime ever,” you reply sarcastically earning an annoyed grunt from Johnnie.

“I can be over soon, I'll let you know when my Uber shows up and I'm on my way ok?” He knew your bad attitude was because of something, and no matter how much it was upsetting him he needed to be here for you.

You on the other hand could cry from guilt. How dare you be a pathetic sack all day, cancel on your boyfriend only for him to kindly offer to be there for you and you are rude to him? On top of that, he has to pay to drive to YOUR house! “No Johnnie don't call an Uber I will come pick you up.” you offered, standing up and searching for your keys.

“I thought you weren't leaving.” he rebutted. You took a deep breath, “but I love you, so I'm not gonna make you pay to cheer me up ok?” you spoke finally finding your keys. “I don't want to stress you out.” you heard over the phone.

You tried to fight his kindness but after a minute it was clear he wasn't going to let you drive. Today was a relaxing day for you, at least it was supposed to be.

You were a protector, it's what made Johnnie fall so in love with you. You were so kind and caring for him, constantly taking care of him when he had those days when he just couldn't take it anymore.

You never did it with the intention to receive it though. So when Johnnie knocked on your door and you trudged to open it for him it shocked you how much he did care.

You tried to make yourself look strong but as your eyes locked tears pooled crowding your vision. You turned away from the door and him as you covered your face with your hands.

You couldn't stop the pull of dread that filled your heart. You felt your knees touch the floor as you collapsed onto the ground. You could hear the door close and Johnnie rushed to your side. He was speaking about something, maybe he was saying how you were going to be ok.

Maybe he was begging you to tell him what was going on. You weren't sure. All you could focus on was ringing in your ears, the thumping of your heart, and the crocodile tears that leaped from your face.

His hands ran against your back and shoulders. Eventually, you were able to look up at him. He wasn't wearing any makeup, just a hat with a button-up and skinny jeans. All you could mutter out was a broken “I'm sorry.”

Your voice cracked and shattered as you spoke. Your boyfriend and the love of your life stared at you back, his face heating up his own tears forming. He sat with you behind your couch on the floor.

“Let's move to the couch,” he said his voice coming out falsely confident, you shook your head, yes taking his hand that helped you up. He wasn't used to helping people like this, he would try his best and maybe give advice.

But he tried to do what you did with him. He sat you down on the couch, taking note of your appearance. You had dulled messy hair, dark almost permanent circles under your eyes, you looked pale and gaunt your face seemingly shrunk.

He rushed away from you, getting you a cup of water, something you did for him without fail. He set it in your hands knowing the coolness would ground you. He moved to your side sitting down next to you. He hesitantly placed his hand on your chest feeling your heartbeat.

It was rapid and intense as he pulled you close to him, wrapping his other arm around you and tilting his head on your shoulder. As you slowly sipped the water between hiccups he felt your heartbeat slow and your breath wasn't so rapid. You were calming down.

Once you finished your cup you set it down and shifted so your head was resting on his almost bare chest. He moved his hat off and sat normally on the couch as you cuddled up to him. He wasn't sure what he should say that could help.

After all, he wasn't very good at this but he so desperately wanted to be. “I don't know when this really started for me. As long as I can remember I was different. Things that seemed so small for other people worried me so much,” you spoke, finally breaking the silence.

He knew some of your past and struggles but nothing too deep. He wanted to hear them from you. This was the best way to do that. He didn't say anything yet, he just looked down and observed you as you played against him.

“I felt this feeling when I was all alone and it was cold and rainy outside. It was almost like a shiver up my spine. I was feeling so safe and protected all alone like that, if I hadn't frozen I could have stayed in the rain forever.” he wasn't sure where exactly your story was going but he knew you and he also knew it was important.

“I was so comfortable with being alone, that stayed with me. There are days more often than not when I cannot do anything. I sit and rot in my bed all day, I don't sleep, I don't eat, I don't do anything.” Johnnie did not know that. He knew since he was busy with filming you often just stayed home.

It doesn't sound like that was a good thing, however. “I am drowning but I've pretended to stay afloat for so long. I'm so fucking tired Johnnie I don't know what I'm going to do anymore.” Your voice was calm but powerful.

You didn't move but you could hear Johnnie's heartbeat increase. “I haven't taken care of myself in so long.” this was whispered, for a second you weren't sure if you had said it out loud. You suppose you did when Johnnie pulled you away from you, your confession hung on the air like wet clothes.

He took a second before he nearly engulfed you with a hug. He squeezed your whole body tight, “Please don't leave.” was all he whispered in your ear. He cradled your body tightly. He slowly started to rock you back and forth. The lull of his body slowly sent you to sleep.

[griefabyss69]

@zombiethingy and @steddieas-shegoes both tagged me!!! Thanks for the tags <3 <3 <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

25! All from this year <3 6 of them are microfics but everything else is around 1K - 21K! I've never in my life written this much lmao

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

129,098! That's a lot for me <3

3. What fandoms do you write for?

So far just Stranger Things!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Still Motion (Paraphilia 01)

Last Man Standing (First fic in the LARP AU series)

Between Light and Darkness (First in the Vampire Eddie series)

Acceptance and Negation (Paraphilia 02)

Hell Patrol (First in the Apocalypse AU series)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes!!! There's only one or two I didn't and that's because they were rude

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't think any of mine have an angsty ending tbh... Mostly because I write a lot of porn but also because even when I write for myself to vent there needs to be a way through all of the horrible shit. Otherwise I'm just adding stress to my life!

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I'd say they're all fairly happy with a similar type of end goal! HOWEVER....... there's one I have planned that might stand above the rest in terms of happy endings, but it's like... a long term project that I have no idea when I'm even going to properly start.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

So far I haven't! I usually moderate comments, and the rude ones I got were more of the 'you clearly missed the mark of what I wrote' or not finding a polite/nice way of asking me to continue writing the fic

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes! The realistically unrealistic kind! Also, usually involves some kind of BDSM or kink related thing.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I won't say I'll never do it but I don't even have another fandom I'd be willing to write for at this time, let alone smash them together.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No, unless I haven't come across it! I think it's cool if someone gets inspired by something I write though, especially anything that's not already common in ST fandom!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but it'd be cool if someone wants to!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I haven't! I've like.... done a lot of yelling about potential things to write though. I have a lot of WIPs because of some of you LMAO I think the actual writing part of things is a very solitary activity for me usually, but I'm open to trying something short and sweet with someone (if things like time and energy line up as well)

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Steddie, if we don't consider fandoms I'm no longer actively reading things for! However I'm pretty easy to please, I love Steve and Eddie as characters and so seeing them in other ships (like Stommy and Hellcheer or a threesome version etc) is always a good time!

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have two fics I started writing before I wrote the first one I published. They're important to me and also my writing has changed so much that I'm scared to even try editing them, because I don't want them to lose that specific thing they have that I might not be able to conjure back up.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Tension, when I get it right, it becomes the best thing about what I've written, no matter what the context is! Also I keep finding I write gay sex between two friends who are in love but just haven't Gotten To That Part yet, so I'd also say an emotional slowburn but a sexual flashfire.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Outlining, keeping up with motivation if I at all try to organize or plan in on purpose. I have to trick myself, like hiding a little pill in a piece of cheese, in order to have planning and organization in a fic. That's part of the reason why I operate in series instead of really long multi-chapter fics, because that's one way I can hide the pill from myself.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I haven't ever and I don't know if I'd be confident enough in my resources to do that! But it's cool when other people do.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

...so I was like 11 years old writing Inuyasha and Kagome...

ST is the first fandom I've published for in over a decade AND it's the first fandom that I've published more than one fic for.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

That's really hard to answer. I really like a lot of aspects from all of them! Dive (microfic, july prompt "pool", body worship) was my favourite for ages, though. And it's still my fave microfic for sure!!

Acceptance and Negation might be my favourite longer fic, there's just something about the antagonism and complicated feelings about being so horny over everything that I find really fun to write!

No pressure tags!!!! @vecnuthy @wormdebut @hbyrde36 @penny00dreadful @stobinesque and anyone who wants to do it! <3

[diinosaurz]

forgot I had tumblr again. Haven't been using social media much, but bored and no one ever views this account cause no one knows me anymore. SO odd to think abt! I was so addicted to my online presence for so long and my online friends and now I genuinely have no one I talk to online anymore. I like it that way tbh.

My final kinda like reason for quitting social media was for mental health reasons, but not ones connected to my actions during covid. I was just edgy and wanted attention, but I was faced with actual challenges and struggles these past few months and I have a therapist and doctors and treatments now, but sometimes I like to ramble to the void and get all my horribly written and mature thoughts and feeling out, so maybe if some bored kid who similarly to me digs in random places and finds this. wassup. or if you're someone I used to know also wassup ig.

I won't lie and say I don't get curious on what my old "mutuals" are up to now. Mainly cause I've changed so much and wonder what's happened since everything. A part of me does feel guilt still too and I can't deny that. I've still never really brought up what happened online, cause compared to being hit by a car and disorders it seems kinda small now. And even if it is "small" now I feel guilt for how immature I was and still can be. I make jokes on the topic mainly cause I never got closure I suppose. It was the first time I was truly in the wrong and hurt people.

There's no real point to this post rather than, "I'm bored after school and just finished writing so now I'm in a writing mood", but I don't wanna grammar check this so it's gonna make zero sense.

I suppose I could say what I've been up to, but I ain't really got a clue. I'm just feeling a little happier recently and I enjoy that. I like horror, baking, singing, filming, editing, and am looking into be a childhood speech pathologist. old me would also flip on how feminine I am now and that I still have been single, but am on meds, have long hair, it's pink-ish, and I have glasses now.

Well i'm bored and done rambling so gonna post this and see if this gets somehow tied into some obscure indie horror media thing or theory on a missing person. (PS if you find this for some odd reason yes I'm totally some dead chick or smth or I'm actually apart of an alien race that hides amongst people and we will be taking ya'll down one day)

[fifteensjukebox]

Hey hello how about 01, 12, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34 and 55 for the HORRIBLE ask game. This year.

hiiiiiii anon! i haven't gotten an anon in ages this is so exciting <3

also sorry i'm answering so late i explain it in the middle but i had a family outing and i thought mobile would let me edit

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? i do! my mom's my best friend in a way i'm sure is annoying to people who don't, and my dad is annoying but he is the best dad i know

03: Do you regret anything? biiiiiig question. i try not to. i try to tell myself i needed to do things to learn or whatever but i'm always wondering how else things could've gone and second guessing things as i do them

05: What is your relationship status? very much single. if you want to hear about my latest crushes you'll find it in my "vie" and "lore" tags but i'm sure they're not going anywhere so shoot your shot!

08: Played any sports? my dad coached a soccer team i was on when i was 4 but i was more interested in the dandelions on the field… outside of required gym class stuff (which i did not enjoy) i've enjoyed tennis and beach volleyball with my family (18 y/o brother included)

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? i think my record is 36, the last day/night/flight home from seeing my now-ex tumblr gf

well. if anything (back to earlier qs i could say i regret the whole met-online-ldr thing but it was good when it happened and im seeing it work out so well for friends so it could've been worthwhile in the long run!

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? irl i don't entirely hate anyone but i have some strong mixed near-hate feelings about the exes (and one not-yet-ex? i think? they're on the way out) of people i care about, and a certain ex friend of mine (if she makes the next move in reaching out i might be able to find it in myself to forgive but at this point it won't be as easy as it could've been)

21: What are your plans for this weekend? tbd but probably festive family things? extended family christmas dinner is on monday and we'll do our gift exchange that morning (speaking of which i need to get ready rn to leave for our family brunch followed by mall trip to shop for secret santa - my parents+18 y/o brother+i do a mini secret santa - well mini in that there are only 4 names but we have a generous budget bc it's usually our main/only source of gifts amongst ourselves. i got my mom again this year and she made it a little too easy by requesting a specific pair of raybans that make up most of the budget, but i'll get creative with the rest) we're also going to the distillery district for the vibes on thursday and my dad's taking these 2 days off work so collectively it all feels like weekend plans. maybe i'll go skating on the actual weekend! i haven't done it yet this season and i miss it

update here is that i didn't find anything for mom except the raybans so i may be going out alone to shop more on fri/weekend

34: Who/what was your last dream about? damn. the one time i don't write it down. oh! ok the last one i remember was one where a version of my ex bestie and i got back together so to speak but she was being overtly manipulative and i had to decide if i was ok with that? which. thanks subconscious! way to mix her with the bitch i had a crush on in middle school! real ex-bestie would never do that but i think it's created some irrational fear where before i just had sadness that i was mostly over (to briefly recap the situation there, she's depression-ghosted and blocked me before and she did it again earlier this year but it hurt more bc we'd been closer leading up to it than we had before the first time)

55: Are you mean? i think i can be really petty but people take it hard because they think of me as being so nice, so i know of some people who'd say i'm mean

thanks again for asking anon! i hope you're having a wonderful holiday season <3

[rjalker]

A review frrom six hours ago for my one (1) pern fic:

Tumblr post.

FF.net

It's an interesting idea - it's always seemed bizarre to me that when Pern was down to one queen and in desperate need of dragons they didn't even try to get some of the greens laying. And it's carefully avoided later on in canon - does Mirrim's green chew firestone and fly in the main wings? How about Kai's?

This is a bit confused, though. How can the green have a pregnancy to abort if she's so young she hasn't learned to chew firestone yet? And it's all got rather a ring of those "and everyone clapped" Facebook fantasies. Nobody's even considered that a green might want to not chew firestone before, but five minutes later it's being treated as if it's a lifelong goal for everyone in the Weyr. It would be a lot more interesting if you addressed that no, not everyone is going to instantly think it's a wonderful idea.

not to like, be a snob, but it's very amusing that I read all of the Pern books before looking for any fic (which I still haven't done but that's besides the point) but then this person clearly has NOT read the book this is set in and therefore has none of the context, but expects me to supply it...even though that's not what fanfiction is for.

I clearly stated the names of the characters in this in the setting, so this person had to have known it's about a book and characters they don't know yet.

Like. Maybe try reading the book in question? Knowing about the characters in the fic? The context they are living in?? I promise you they're all acting exactly the way they would if these writers weren't classist misogynists lol....

And what do you know, one book later, this is exactly what happens lofl.

So now I have to go "I recommend reading Dragonheart and coming back to this fic so you'll know the context of this story".

This is like reading fanfiction for a series you know nothing about and then complaining that the fic doesn't make sense lol.

The reply I sent:

Hey, thanks for the review -- though I recommend reading Dragonheart and then coming back to this fic so you know who the characters are and the context, I promised myself I wouldn't write /any/ fanficiton for Pern, but this one was just held out on a silver platter and I literally couldn't stop myself lol. You can read Dragonheart (and all the other Pern books) for free on the web archive, archive (dot) org, and I just edited a whole list of links to each book in my profile here, though I'm not sure how long it'll take to update… Anyways lol, I promise these characters are reacting the exact way they would in canon, if you've only read stuff with the characters from the 9th pass, you're missing out on a lot, some of it less horrible than you'd think given this series' track record. Pretty sure FF won't let me send a link in a PM, so here's a sneaky link for Dragonheart: archive (dot) org (forward slash) details (forward slash) dragonheart00todd

[its-deputy-caleb]

Juan Cortez Fluff HC's

okay i haven't proof-read any of these or even done basic editing (i'll fix it tomorrow) but i ended up having a horrible day and im v overloaded with work rn, so i apologise that requests will be a little while.

i really just wanted to write this for myself as some self care/down time but enjoy nonetheless <3

Juan Cortez likes to think of himself as a confident man. He’s a Gurellia for fucks sake, fighting in more countries than he could count on his fingers but there’s something about you that just makes his heart explode.

From the moment you first joined Clara and Libertad, you and Juan had gotten on immediately. The two of you do all your missions together and when you aren’t, you’re huddled up at his bunker helping him make supremo’s.

It’s pretty clear to everyone how much of a thing he’s got for you and not just because he’s flirty or trying to impress you constantly. Juan has never let himself get attached to anyone, to have more than a one night stand so he tends to follow you around like a lovesick puppy.

When you first kissed him it was right after a successful mission off the coast of Madrugada. The two of you needed to raid a military base, so while he flew the helicopter, you were dangling from a grappling hook and taking out soldiers.

Juan absolutely loves how you match his chaotic and wild energy on missions, and all the adrenaline led him to pull you into a tight and overly excited hug. What he wasn’t prepared for was how you wrapped your arms around him and pulled him in for a kiss (which totally made him melt).

From then, Juan is determined on keeping you as close to him as possible so he can receive all your kisses and cuddles. He’s more than just touch starved and will regularly complain when he can’t be around you.

He’s not touch starved in a way that makes him flinch when you hold his hand or hug him but he can have days where he needs you to hold him.

You’ve noticed on particular nights where Juan’s supremo failed to work after staying up for hours, he’ll take a break to find you. He always rests his head on your chests, mumbling into your shirt while you tuck his hair behind his ears and wait for him to fall asleep.

He loves nose bumps. When you’re both just waking up and your hair is messy, Juan will press your foreheads together and boop your noses until you’re giggling between kisses and snuggling.

Of course, you can’t have Juan Cortez without Guapo who nearly bit your leg off the first time you met but eventually he warmed up to you like his owner did.

The two of you spend your afternoons sitting on the docks at Libertad Island, your feet dangling in the cool blue water. You and Juan will take turns playing fetch with Guapo and listening to his Guerrilla stories and rules.

Each time you throw the ball in the water for Guapo, your arms to a big stretch and (not so subtly) wrap around his shoulders. You’ll lean on Juan and he’ll lean on you, where occasionally he’ll kiss your cheek.

You practically live in his office with him whenever you’re not running around Yara and that includes sharing clothes. You’re constantly seen wandering the island wearing his hat or with one of his shirts hanging off your shoulders.

Juan will never admit it but he feels so secure and loved in that moment. He knows that you’re as much his as he is yours and he’s absolutely smitten with you.

Naturally, you know as much as anyone Juan is kind of a mess emotionally. You were there after he ran off to Amonía when Libertad was falling apart and you walked him back to camp with his hand in yours the whole time.

You’ve come back from week long missions and found him at the bottom of a bottle as a babbling, crying mess. He hates how much he misses you and he won’t stop repeating it until you’re wrapping your arms around him, whispering to him that he’s okay.

You cradle his face in your hands, using your thumbs to wipe his tears and trace his cheeks. He always loves when you kiss all over his face, taking your time and moving from his forehead, to his temple; his eyelids, his cheeks, his nose and of course his lips.

On these nights Juan’s going to need you to be the big spoon so he can just cuddle up to you. He needs more than anything for you to just squeeze him super tight and never let go.

Juan always appreciates the smaller things in life, especially with all the chaos and violence he’s endured so you make an effort to watch the sunrise and sunset with him each day. Sometimes you’re down on the beach, or up in one of the watchtowers but it’s always when you tell him how much you’re in love with him.

tags: @levithestripper obvi

[vidalinav]

I want to explore my writing skills what are some good tips for a beginner? :)

Yikes... I haven't been a beginner for a really long time now so let me think about what I did to get more comfortable with my writing and how I developed my own writing style. I'm focusing on skill and not story development, because I suck at that.

One, I would say try other formats/ways of writing. Try different povs, different tenses, different genres. Try writing things with really long descriptions and then those with mostly dialogue. Try only writing action and movement and thought. Try writing different characters. A lot of this stuff is basic skills and I think it's pretty helpful to develop these to a greater extent, but to also find out what you're most comfortable writing with. It definitely helps if you're struggling with a story. Sometimes, you have to change the pov or tense. Sometimes you might have an imbalance of dialogue, plot, thought, and description. Also it's just really cool to see what you can do if with specific constraints like a specific genre or writing something where the characters don't speak at all or without any constraints at all. It's partly why I like prompts sometimes and why I like mixing up different ships lol.

Two, sharpen you're editing skills. I promise you, every thing sucks in the beginning. At least I always think so when I'm writing. It's only good when I edit (the bane of my existence). I will read every sentence out loud, since I don't know sound helps me a lot. I'm pretty auditory. I will read it in the most dramatic voice possible lol, or the pauses or extremely fast. Whatever helps and it does really help.

Three, experiment with words. How do you describe things without telling the reader what you mean. It's that show vs tell scenario, but I consider it to be a little bit more fun. Because it's a game. How can you describe that this character is ill without every using the words I feel sick? Using color is so fun, too. Shades of pink and bubblegum and watermelon. Texture. Sound. Really use those senses, but also connect them to thought and emotion. There are some really cool ways to build a scene, but I think people underestimate how many of these things can be integrated across the board. You can connect setting and context to charactization, to the characters emotion at any give time.

Four, have fun with it... because you will get frustrated. This is very cliché, but it must be said. Writing is an art as well as a skill. Anyone can do it, but not every one can do it the same. I think it's important just to keep writing, because slowly it will evolve over time. But it's also important to look beyond the product. Develop that love for the process no matter how you do it. It will sustain you longer than any of the comments, longer than the satisfaction of completing something. Write badly, because you will. I write horribly all the time. Eventually it gets good... sometimes you get hits and misses. Whatever the case is, it should have been fun to have written it.

Five, don't get caught up with length or even a specific goal. Some of the writing practices I liked to do, and some that I've done fairly recently, is to just write anything that comes to mind based on a word. Go on tangents where the objective is nowhere. Try making sense of your own thoughts and learning that the goal is futile. The piece doesn't have to be 40,000 words. It doesn't even have to be fully finished. The only qualification for a writer is that they write.

So write.

[knockknockchicagopd]

A SERIE WITH HANK VOIGHT. CHAPTER II.

❚❙ WORDS: about 1.2k

❚❙ A/N: this writing hasn’t been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I’m sorry about that. If you find a description about body or a word out of place, or something that makes you feel uncomfortable / unrepresented, let me know by a private message and I will change it delighted.

❚❙ GIF credits: to the author.

❚❙ Tag list: @melblacc @rebelwrites @skyofficialxx @sesamepancakes @scarletsoldierrr @mondefantastique @that-chick212 @enbyamaro @inlovewith3 @ocetevasgirl @destynelseclipsa @jadakiss13 @mcgreads @graniairish @sophie-writes. If you want to be added to my tag list, send me a message.

You haven't been able to stop thinking about Hank and his visit the whole day, about what he said, about what he gave you. Natalie's opinion is you should give him a second chance, but Maggie and April don't agree. They said people don't change, but, what if he has done it after being in jail? At least, you need to know if it's true what he told you about his new job. Maybe this is going to help you to make a decision. You're not an officer, but you're aware of the difference between Intelligence and the Gang Unit.

Passing away the private parking of the District, you check his car is still there, which means he's working yet. Taking a deep breath until filling up your lungs completely, you leave your black Mustang in front of the building to step out of it. You're not going to lie saying you aren't nervous, while you're forced to keep your trembling hands inside the pockets of your jacket. The last time you were there was a year ago, to be interrogated by two cops who treated you like shit. You don't know what happened with them, but after Hank told you he made a deal with the Attorney for you, they maybe were relieved to Traffic.

As you shake your head to focus on what you're going to do, you go upstairs walking in, straight to the main desk. Platt is there, and she can't hide a smile as soon as she sees you coming. She has been one of these people who didn't abandon you after what happened, keeping you under her wings only like a mother would do. Boden and she have been like your parents since they passed out when you were just a kid.

“Is it true?” You whisper unzipping your jacket.

By the look on her face, you know that Hank has talked with her already about his visit this morning. She nods in silence, before pressing a button under the desk, causing a buzz in a metallic fence some feet away from you.

“Upstairs, honey”.

Not saying anything else, you continue your path leaving behind you the bustle of the officers to only hear Hank Voight's voice. You are still assimilating it. You can't believe he is free, after what he did. And you sure he has already apologized, even if you also know it doesn't fix everything. His words are interrupted when he lands his eyes on yours, earning other gazes. You can see Erin raising her chin proudly, sitting over her desk, and waving a hand slightly to welcome you.

“Sorry, I can come back later”.

“No. It's okay”. He quickly replies, before pointing at the board with different information written down and some pictures of guys that look like total jerks. “Start to work”.

After that demand, the new sergeant makes you a sign to follow him into his private office, rolling down the shutters to have some intimacy. Closing the door behind your back, you can't help but tour the place with your eyes and the curiosity that resides inside you ever since. Taking off your jacket, he grabs it to hang it on the coat rack before signaling the sofa at your left. You sit in silence, pulling away some bristles of hair behind your ears visibly nervous. You aren't even sure of what you want to tell him. If you want him in your life, or if you want him to disappear again.

At first, you watch sideways Hank resting his body against his desk, but he finally decides to sit by your side. You're not two strangers. You have been through a lot of shit together and he only wants to win you back, to be like in the old times. Doubting, he holds your hands to urge you to look at him.

“I wanna do the right thing this time. You don't have to say yes right now, we can work on this. Step by step”. His voice has always calmed you, no matter which kind of situation you've been in. And now, it's doing it again. “Justin and you were the reason why I continued waking up every day. And I did anything in my hands to protect you while I was outta the game. I want my life back. I will fight every day”.

Licking his teeth, Hank shakes his head briefly while putting his eyes on the window at his left, waiting for a word coming from your lips. But what he hears is a heavy sniff. About to cry, you try to gulp all the pain it has following you for long, long months since he left. If he doesn't want you, if he doesn't really love you, he'd not have gone to find you. He'd have not protected you all this time. And he is still there. Waiting for you.

Hank tosses an arm behind your neck to push you closer, almost lying you on his chest to place sweet kisses on your head. Earning soft but bitter sobs from you, he ends up wrapping your body as tightly as he can, rocking you under his grip. He didn't do the right thing putting you away, practically ghosting you. He has caused you a horrible sorrow all these months. Long days waiting for a call. Long nights sleeping alone and wishing to be by his side. But you have to keep in mind Platt's reaction. She is a good woman. She knows you ever since. She wouldn't let Hank hurt you a second time.

“Step by step”. He repeats in a raspy whisper, cupping your cheek into his hands to clean your tears with his thumbs. “I'm sorry. I swear it, (Y/N)”.

You know it, you can see it.

“Can I kiss you?”

The unexpected question causes you to giggle in tears. “Since when do you have to ask for it?”

“You have punched me before, sweetheart. I ain't gonna take the risk again”. He laughs rubbing the left side of his jaw.

Taking the advantage of having a hand free, you place it on the back of his neck to make your mouths crash in a kiss full of necessity. You have forgotten how good he used to taste, how good he used to make you feel. All your fears turn into ashes after the fire he provokes within your chest, embracing you closer and sitting you on his lap. Neither the two of you want any kind of distance right now between your bodies, having missed the touch from the other. Your lips were made to fit, transmitting so much tenderness, so much love; a bunch of emotions contained for a year, thinking you wouldn't be able to kiss him again, overwhelming your senses and clouding your mind.

Running out of air, caressing both sides of his neck with your fingertips, he pushes himself away just an inch enough to find your eyes again. Shining like never before. Falling a little more in love with you.

“Step by step”. You remark biting your bottom lip, softly sniffing again.

“All the steps you need”.

[rpbetter]

Urgh. Okay, full disclosure, I haven't been on tumblr much over the last week or so, because I was one of the people that Raven initially called out after the COAR mess, and it was in the interest of my own mental health to fuck off for a while so I didn't stress myself out into oblivion. So I'm scrolling through most of this stuff for the first time, and talking to other people who were targeted. And pardon my French here, but I'm fucking disgusted at the lengths Raven has gone to assert themselves as a victim, how many people they've affected, and the waving around of something as serious as suicide for brownie points.

I have sympathy for people who overinterpret things in a strictly emotional and mental sense (actual reactions aside) because they lack the maturity. There's always a reason for that, and it's not their fault. And I have sympathy for people if they legitimately feel suicidal. That, too, isn't their fault. If I hadn't been blocked, I would've reported Raven in case their claims were true as well, because yeah, I don't mess around with that stuff either. But what's unacceptable is how Raven acted on those sentiments and behaved towards others, even after people tried to provide perspective. How Raven claimed to be done with the drama, but continued inciting it; how they claimed to be suicidal and had left tumblr, but wrote what amounts to a "fuck you" in their header and were still putzing around on their blog, and were apparently still editing their posts until as late as today; how they claimed to have deleted but only changed the url; how they weaponized all of this stuff and used it as a tool for guilt-tripping. Like, come on. It's okay if you're down in the dumps, but it's not okay to treat innocent people like garbage, and carpet bomb half the RPC. To me, it really feels like there was an intent to weaponize all of their hurt, offense, anger, and suicidal ideations, despite the possibility it did come from somewhere genuine, and that's so harmful to anyone who is actually struggling with depression.

Every time someone weaponizes mental illness in this way, it just makes people more and more apathetic the next time someone is genuinely just hurting, and saying they feel like they're at the end of their rope. And it makes people suspicious of whether those words are being used maliciously, or legitimately. That suspicion and that association is now there, unconscious or not. And every time this kind of stuff happens, the association gets stronger. What happens if Raven does this again? Some people will still report, but some people might just scoff and walk away - people who might've actually acted before. So in a way, that kind of behaviour impacts Raven as much as it impacts other people.

And you know what? They're not the only one dealing with serious shit. I've been suffering from MDD for the last fifteen years, and I've been in the process of changing medications and having little success for months. I've been going through hell offline. I have a shit list of people I want to yell at because they're dragging their feet on really important things I need to function; I'm constantly running a deficit on spoons. Until a week or so ago, roleplay was one of the only ways I could unwind. So for Raven to bully me by sticking that stupid post in my tags, because they needed to make a scene on COAR, which I was obviously going to comment on (like many other people), then to "like" an unsubstantiated callout about me and other innocent people related to that mess, it's only worsened my own mental health. It sounds melodramatic, but really. Someone else mentioned this too, but the fear of being in another callout, and the fear of that first callout somehow exploding, was in the back of my mind all week, despite being away from tumblr. So that was a little anxiety-inducing, much as I tried not to think about it.

And I'm debating whether to return now, or take more time off, and I have no idea what to do. Because that callout post is still in my blog's tag. I'm freaking out because I was planning on approaching some people to roleplay, which is something I rarely ever do, but now I'm concerned that I'll contact someone, they'll look at my tag to get an idea of my writing/partners/who I am, and see the callout post, and immediately dismiss me because even seeing the word "callout" on its own will send up red flags, by unconscious association with more impactful drama. And as long as that callout is up, these fears are going to be there.

That's just not fair.

And Raven's "apology" is completely unacceptable. Like you and others said, it doesn't reach anyone who needs to hear it, because they've all been blocked. I would fucking love an apology if it came from a place of honesty, but am I going to receive one? Probably not. And even for the followers who can still see that apology, it doesn't address anything. It isn't directed to anyone in particular. It doesn't mention the specific behaviours that were wrong on their part. And miss me with the "my intentions were good" part. No, they weren't; going around blocks and sticking shit in peoples' tags is vindictive and entirely intentional in all the worst ways, and shame on them for pretending otherwise, and by leading with such a poor example for many roleplayers, some of whom are in their teens. One of the people who tried to message Raven (they, too, were called out on Raven's blog) was speaking to a nineteen-year old who was completely clueless about the extent of the manipulation Raven was pulling. They thought all of it was normal and acceptable behaviour. That genuinely terrifies me. And while I imagine if Raven was genuinely apologetic, they would've gone to the callout blog and ask them to delete the callout post (attempt it, at the very least), somehow, I don't think that would've happened given all of their prior actions. God forbid something else is going on there.

Phew. Yeah, I'm angry. Maybe I'm just biased and tired. But honestly, I have a right to be. Raven's apology is a handwave, and they know it. It's a slap in the face to me, to you, and to everyone else who was involved in this clusterfuck. They're not the center of the universe. They affected real people, with real problems of their own. Anyways, I am so sorry for this, argh. Really had to get this out, and I didn't want to dump it on discord or somewhere else; I sure as heck didn't want to go to COAR with it. But hey, maybe people here will feel less alone if I added my own account to the mix. The more, the merrier? In a sense, anyways. Sometimes if you feel like you've been singled out, it's nice to know you're not actually the only person it's happened to.

Sorry for saving your reply for last, Anon. It's such an important one, I wanted to be properly thoughtful!

I think that it is going to make some people feel less alone, and there is always some relief in sharing one's trials. That might be especially true when one has been unable to share them anywhere else. It's not like you can address this on your own blog right now, COAR is definitely not a safe place to do so, it's a very isolating feeling that is made worse for having done nothing.

Coming back and being required to wade through this shit was really damn disgusting to me as well, but at least in my case, I had neither been obliged to distance myself for the sake of mental health nor was I treated to the sickening display of drumming up ideas of victimization from someone who victimized me. What I experienced was just incredulity and disgust, I cannot imagine how incensing this must be for you, I am so very sorry. If it makes me angry having a degree of removal and watching in it real time? What you're experiencing...there really isn't a single word to adequately encapsulate that, I'm sure.

You've still expressed so many of the things I've thought and felt. I found all that initial behavior uncalled for, shameful, yet another display of what's actually wrong in the RPC, but it was increasingly upsetting to me the more I looked into it because it did feel a little (a lot) too reminiscent of the sort of bullying experienced in person. It's really something else to be viciously picked at by someone who keeps upping the game until such point as it begins to cause them trouble, then get to be painted the wrongdoer and punished in some way for it because they're presenting as a sympathetic victim. A more sympathetic victim than you, that's really what I mean, I'm just going to say it.

And that was already in swing by the time I got from the launch point to the smoking crater of then current events. I got to Raven's again after bouncing back and forth between their interactions with others, largely from COAR, yes, and the shit on the callout blog...to see...everyone else being blamed in increasingly drastic ways.

Because on tumblr, unlike reality, if you throw out enough times ahead of time that you have disorders people can get behind, you're more sympathetic, not less. So long as one has set that foundation and has others to broadcast it once convenient, any horrible action one undertakes is given a pass. Anyone disagreeing, anyone not tolerating the abuse, is in the wrong now. In the worst possible way, of course.

This whole thing began with incredibly unnecessary bullshit and every, I mean fucking every, further action taken was a new level of fucked up, but the trivializing of and damage done to the perception of mental health and differences is quite possibly the worst. Are those things that need any more of that? It's already such a problem! I already see suspicion and fatigue with this, every time it's given validation, it grows.

Even if I wasn't mentally ill, with one of the disorders that gets vilified even on tumblr, even if I were not autistic, even if I never knew a single person who suffered worse than I do from the the complications they won by way of being born, hadn't anyone I loved that took their lives, this would be extremely upsetting to me. Using the idea that "whatever I do, it's got to be acceptable because I am X" while not caring that anyone else is X, Y, and/or Z. Weaponizing it for bullying and sympathy simultaneously. Way too much. Incredibly gross and harmful, legitimately fucking problematic.

I want people to be taken seriously when they choose to speak of the boundaries their mental health requires, I want muns to be able to say that they are having a difficult time without it coming off (even to the rest of us with mental health conditions) as a ploy for attention/guilting for whatever action they desire be taken by partners, and I want people to take threats of oncoming, serious harm seriously. How are they to do this, when it is continually used as tool or weaponized against others? At very best, it becomes another thing to ignore and scroll by on the dash.

As we've all had the misfortune to experience or witness so recently, once it is weaponized, it's a problem of priority. I've said in damn near every message I've gotten that Raven isn't the only person involved here who has serious shit going on, but like the absurdity with trying to spin an accident as transphobia, or having the audacity to attempt speaking from a place of peace in a way that might benefit everyone, Raven included, resulting in a callout about being against ND people...it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter that any of us are neurodivergent, have serious chronic mental health complications, or are not cisgender. Raven was swinging that around like a flaming sword to drive off bigots real and imagined before we ever got their attention.

Attention they fucking asked for.

Reblogging that post from COAR was just like posting those rules. The intention was to get attention, and it was asked for with extreme hostility. I have no idea how that is coming off to anyone as simply them defending themselves. It was a great moment to either not out themselves as the person in the confession at all, not engage with it, quietly remove the post, or to reblog it and take responsibility in a meaningful way at that point. Can you imagine what a difference that would have made then? If Raven had chosen instead to reblog it and apologize for doing what they had. Just that. No shitty, snide little comments about how they're sorry, but still absolutely correct and here are five reasons why everything they've misconstrued won't be tolerated. Just an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an apology for doing so, and awareness gained moving forward.

Their decision to interact with that post in the way they did wasn't just more of the same nonsense, it was actively upping the game. I don't really care if it was intentional bait or just continuing to let malicious impulse run free, it was used as bait. Everyone who interacted with that post was effectively consigning themselves to harassment, and if they happened to interact on literally any other topic that group held a passionately opposing opinion on, they were attacked for it. Curiously, it became necessary for them to be harassed by way of the callout blog, but that is getting a little close to off-topic, so, I'll leave it at that.

So, while I initially really wanted to have the appeal to Raven work because their expressions of regret that I was greatly on the fence about being genuine, I'd say those flags were accurate. I cannot believe that someone who took every opportunity to do the wrong thing is genuinely sorry. Sorry for themselves, absolutely, sorry for anything they did, not so much. This constant narrative I got of "they SAID they were sorry" and "they apologized again and again and took the posts down," including from Raven, is incredible. On that last one, they, yet again, couldn't actually address me.

Appropriate response: messaging me or reblogging that post (you know, the rules snippet I found right the hell there still, despite the claim of it being deleted and the final catalyst of me needing to say something after I saw that, nope, surely was not) with the acknowledgment of a single thing I said.

Extra appropriate response: ^ plus going to everyone who could still be located that they harmed with a genuine, individual, private apology.

Inappropriate response that was had: new post, shitty, childish tone like they at once wanted to argue with me and didn't want to drop the act, restating of this apology that had already been deleted and meant exactly shit while it existed, restating of how they deleted this post and couldn't control reblogs, ignoring that I literally reblogged the original copy from their blog.

Apology neither believed nor accepted. Just as it wouldn't be if my nephew came to my house, broke a bunch of my things, said he was sorry while throwing the pieces at my pet, then threw himself on the floor screaming that he said he was sorry when I told him to go have a time out.

(Yes, I absolutely did just make a comparison to a child, y'all can shit yourselves again. It's not my problem if you want to misconstrue "this person's actions are not befitting of an adult" as "Vespertine said autistic people are children!" Fucking miss me with that. I'm an autistic adult who pays my bills, apologizes, doesn't treat people like shit while trying to excuse it by being ND. You're offensive with that shit, and contributing to the negative perception people have of those on the spectrum. Be a good ally today! Don't valid that! Free ninety-nine offer!)

Again, sorry for yourself does not equal being sorry for what you've done. The former can contribute to the development of the latter, but as I said in a response yesterday, there has been no display of that beginning to transpire. I genuinely hope that will eventually be the case because that would be the best outcome, the only "best" outcome at this point. Even if it was two years from now, if it did happen, I certainly would not be kind to people refusing them any such growth in peace, and I hope that, by some distant chance, I get to prove that.

But...stating "my intentions were good" over any part of this is not remotely promising. When? Where? At what point? Oh, right, when you took it upon yourself to label a random mun you took issue with. That's when your intentions were good. Then, when you vehemently needed to defend that point by callouts and individual attacks under the guise of it definitely not being about your pride, no! It was the defense of everyone else! Defending the community by carpet-bombing it, yes. This is not a "the path to Hell is paved with good intentions" situation.

I am so disturbed about the nineteen-year-old mun, my god. I'm telling y'all, my anger and disgust almost reach what I think is a pinnacle, then there's something new like this.

I don't even subscribe to tumblr's ideology that anyone under twenty-five is an actual infant who needs be kept in a protective bubble and forgiven for all bad behavior with infinite kindness, nineteen-year-olds deserve the agency of the adultier adults they are becoming, but it is a transitional age. Especially today. Most socialization and formative ideas take place online, and by the time younger RPers are entering the adult sphere of RP here, they've already got some really unhealthy ideas. About themselves, about others. There is such a demand for rabidly performative action that gets internalized, it shouldn't be being heartily fed by people in the community they might look up to.

At that age, someone like Raven is going to be a person looked up to. They espouse all the right ideas, and it's an age in which aggressive interaction over those things is seen as amusing and correct, no matter how wrong the actions taken are or the basis upon which they are founded. When these people foster an environment of cruelty for questioning, of course, that is not going to be the natural response. The response is now going to be the requirement of being told otherwise with adequate proof.

I have suspected that many of the hateful anons I've gotten were from Raven's even younger followers who feel like it's normal, acceptable, and that everything they're being told by Raven's sales team over at the callout blog is absolutely true. Of course, they're now morally obligated to come harass me for the things they were told I did! I think it's likely that several of the anons people got were from actual minors, which is so many levels of scary and irresponsible. Really great example all around, yes!

Because whether it is one's intention or not, that is potentially exposing minors, or muns who are still close enough to be more negatively impacted, to who even knows what. As well as violating the rules of blogs who do not interact with minors for good reason, setting those blogs up for yet another callout for treating someone they didn't know was a minor the way they did or having "freak shit" on their blog. Setting up the other party to be treated with full hostility as an adult would be. Very cool, very responsible.

There is just so much here that is unacceptable, I don't think people who were not directly impacted or have never had a callout against them understand the results, and that is one more unacceptable thing you've been good enough to talk about.

Even while taking a break from the RPC, it affects you negatively. Wondering what you're coming back to, your blog is no longer a safe feeling space, and there's nothing you can do to "cultivate your blog" to change that. They've taken away the ability to simply block and avoid others, the thing that keeps all of us comfortable here as well as allowing that to be all of us no matter how disagreeable we might be to each other. Callouts negate adult behavior. Callouts mean that one doesn't know where more potential for harassment might be coming from, or how long we might have to be worried about that.

It would be a major concern for me as well about what putting myself out there to new writing partners might bring. What the success of that might be. It's incredibly unfair that they've made finding new people precarious and more unpleasant than it can be anyway. That puts all of the future of your RP here in question, and if you're like me, just dropping a muse, picking up another, and moving to a new URL isn't going to be a good choice for you. It isn't that simple if you dedicate time to a muse for a long period of time, when that's the case, that's the RP you want to do and have laid the groundwork for.

I don't know if it will help at all, but it has seemed to me, over the past several days, that there are fewer people in the RPC who are inclined to believe or support callouts than there once was. I was hoping that was the case, since there is always so much interaction on my posts against callout culture, but until this crap went down, I had no idea just how many people are not positive toward it. It has seemed to be that the people who are inclined to listen to callouts are just louder.

I've also noticed that those people have the same set of red flags, so maybe sharing that will help you or others?

They don't have simple, basic, reasonable Do Not Interacts. It isn't simply asking that minors don't interact because the mun is over eighteen, that muns writing a triggering topic not interact, or that sort of thing. No, it's URL dropping of specific muns, outright links to callouts or "receipts," and an accusatory tone about any topics or types of muns who shouldn't interact. Such as "nasty ass proshippers" or "pedo apologists shipping incest."

Their rules are reflective this as well. A statement cannot be made that they do not write, let's say, toxic ships and left at that. There will be some morality wank present about normalizing or romanticizing toxic/abusive relationships.

There are less assured flags, but literally, anything that stands out as an interest in RPC or fandom-based activism as opposed to an interest in writing, their muses, or even their friendships with a variety of muns. I don't mean a rounded-out interest in things, I really do mean a glaring predominance of buzzword-laden reblogs and PSA's while they've not written a reply, headcanon, or answered a meme in months.

I'm not saying any of that because I feel like you, or anyone else's, judgment is terrible or that you're oblivious to warning signs! It's just that when we've experienced bad situations, it can compromise our ability to see clearly. It becomes easy to see a potential threat everywhere, and maybe that seems contrary, but it's then easy to fail to see real threats from those we're blowing up. We question whether we're being just as judgmental as the people who wronged us, putting words in other muns' mouths and thoughts in place of their own as was done to us. While we still are afraid to be wrong in giving someone an in to ruining our time again.

So, please, don't feel like I'm questioning your intelligence or speaking from a place of ultimate knowledge, never making mistakes in such a choice! I just really hate that you, and many others, are going through this, and anything at all that I can think of that might help you move forward from this utter bullshit you've been through, I've got to try to grab it.

Because, Anon, like all those sharing their experiences these last few days, you sound like the kind of mun we need in the RPC.

You're someone willing to share with others for the benefit of others. You're being honest about your feelings of anger and even the hopeless sensation of whether it's even worth it to try to return, having your progress on and offline stomped on, while still maintaining a sort of fairness and calm that I know is not easy. Because that's the mature thing to do, it's the right thing, and unfortunately, those are usually the harder things to do as well.

You did the right thing in expressing your opinion and doing what people like Raven's group love to be on about, can only do through bullying: not tolerating it. I'd hate for the RPC to lose someone like you!

Just as your message matters to more people out there than myself, I have no doubt that your choice to not quietly allow this behavior mattered to more muns than you'll ever know. I'm sure that none of them would have wanted this result for you, but so many muns have experienced such toxic, bullying behavior over the years in which not a soul spoke up.

Many of you proved something very important with challenging Raven and the callouts blog, that unlike them, it isn't necessary for good people to even know each other to do the right thing. They have to dogpile and engage in cliquish behavior, what they do isn't coming from a place of inner ethics and strength, but what you all did? It's the opposite.

So, not only do I thank you again for sharing and providing the important support of simply not being alone to others, I thank you for being the example to the RPC that people dealing in callouts and generalized shaming cannot be, no matter their platform.

I hope that, whether you choose to remain, leave, or take a very long break, everything you've been dealing with starts to look up. I know it's easy to say things made hollow for their repetition and flippant use, like telling you not to let them win, or that their bullshit just isn't that important. So, I'm not going to say them.

It doesn't work that way when you're dealing with mental health concerns! You can logically know that this is just petty bullshit not worth being run out of something important to you, but that doesn't stop the worry, frustration, or depression. You can have all the determination in the world to hang in there, even the spite to back it up, but neither is a match for the things you cannot control coming from your brain. That is the cruelty of mental illness on the very best of days.

You have all of my respect, support, and genuine sympathy that this happened to you. No one should be allowed to continually and unapologetically go out of their way to throw a wrench into someone's hard-won progress. You did nothing to deserve this, and the people out there worth interacting with are going to be the same ones who will have no question of that.

Lastly, I also hope that some of the anons sharing their experiences have helped you feel less alone, or like you're not just irrationally upset. Please know that you're seen and supported as well! And that you are always welcome to talk more, vent, share successes here.

Thank you, Anon.

[handcrafted-by-fluids]

A Glimmer of Hope (Draco x Slytherin reader)

Summary: This is the second and the last part of a sixth year fanfiction. Your friend Draco has recently got distant. You've taken it upon yourself to find out what he's up to. Is it just because he's your friend.

Link for 1st part: https://handcrafted-by-fluids.tumblr.com/post/620292667778236416/a-glimmer-of-hope-draco-x-slytherin-reader

Warnings: Angst

Requested by: @malfoy7

Edited by: @eternallyconfusedsoul

Also dedicated to: @the--queen-of-hell

Y/N- Your name

Y/L/N- Your last name

Part 2

The winter was almost knocking the sunlight off the clock courtyard. Hogwarts had never been a particularly safe place to be in, but this year was going especially substandard, both for you and for the school. Last month a Gryffindor student had been cursed by a jinxed necklace. Draco was still avoiding you, and now he had started missing classes too. You were trying your best to stalk him, but most of the times he ended up in the boys bathroom or the Room of Requirement which you still couldn't access.

Christmas would be there in no time, and the word got around that Draco would stay at Hogwarts for this Christmas, something he never does. You decided to use this as your opportunity to find the truth out. Going back for a vacation wasn't more important than your friend.

On the first day of your holidays, you decided to wait in the common room for Draco to arrive from his regular venture. It was almost midnight when he sneaked in slowly, as it was well past the curfew hours.

"Filch missed you again?", you asked, keeping your DADA book aside.

He almost dropped his wand in shock. It was dark, and clearly, he hadn't noticed you.

When he didn't reply, you got up and stood in front of him. "Do you want me to turn you in?"

"You wouldn't", Draco replied, but it missed the familiar smirk.

"You don't know that, do you?", you replied. "But if you tell me where you were, I won't inform anybody."

"You think I'm answerable to you?", he replied, suddenly raising his voice. You noticed a glittery trail on his face. Was he crying? It was hard to tell in the dark. "I have support from people you wouldn't guess. Also, I asked you to stay away from me".

His voice broke towards the end of the sentence, which pained you terribly. He was crying.

But you had never seen him cry. Never. He had definitely wailed purposefully when he was attacked by the Hippogriff, but those silent tears told something else about the person you knew so well.

He was suffering.

"Draco. You can tell me. Whatever it is. I won't tell anybody. I trust you", you said softly. "It's okay."

"That's the problem Y/N. You shouldn't. You shouldn't trust me", he said, almost inaudibly. "You'll hate me."

"I- I won't", you said, carefully choosing your next words. "We've been friends for five years, haven't we? I never hated you."

"We can't be friends anymore. I have chosen my legacy. This is to keep you safe", said Draco. "Please."

He finally looked at your eyes. You gazed at his beautiful gray eyes which matched perfectly with his pale gray tinged skin and felt a sudden desire to hold his face in your hands and wipe his tears off. After what felt like an eternity, he tore his eyes away.

"I'm sorry Y/N", he ran off to his dormitory once again. You were too speechless to stop him. Were you falling for him?

.....

It was tough to accept what you actually felt for Draco, as now he was as distant as ever. By the time the students returned from the break, you had given up all hope of ever seeing him again.

The first blow came in the form of a widely circulating rumour. Draco had been fatally injured in a duel with Harry Potter. Before you even gave it a thought, you found yourself running out of your Charms class (to Flitwick's immense agitation). In no time, you're requesting Madam Pomfrey to let you in.

Being a Slytherin had it's own advantages. For example, you had some tricks up your sleeve to convince Madam Pomfrey.

"But he's asleep. He's been given a high dosage of sleeping draught. Wouldn't be another six hours before he wakes up", she said, clearly annoyed.

"It's okay, I'm just going to wait here, I won't disturb him".

You spent the rest of the day sitting by his bed and looking at him. Though you're highly tempted to brush off his hair, Madam Pomfrey was good at keeping an eye. You just hoped no other teachers noted your absence in class.

You had lost the track of time when you noticed Draco stirring. Madam Pomfrey rushed to his side and helped him wake up.

"Has the pain reduced?", she asked, as Draco started to regain his consciousness. But he was far past answering her, because he was starting at you tenderly.

"Y/N?", he asked, completely ignoring Madam Pomfrey.

"Oh, very well", said Madam Pomfrey, "looks like your pain is gone. I will give you two some time to catch up while I go for my meeting with Professor Snape", she said and left you alone with Draco.

"How are you feeling now?", you asked tentatively.

"Better", he said.

You placed your hands on his left hand and brought it close to you, but he pulled away quickly.

You noticed a small part of a black ink on his forearm, which looked suspiciously like a tattoo.

"Were you waiting here for all that time?", he asked, to which you nodded. "You know you didn't need to."

"I was worried", you said.

He looked at you unblinkingly, and once again, you felt as if someone had stunned you. All the time you had spent away from him had made you realize how much you loved his company. You had loved every bit of his intoxicating personality- his smirk, his snide remarks, his eyes, and the way he ran his fingers through his golden hair.

He sighed, but didn't break the eye contact. "You deserve the truth Y/N".

"No, Draco. I'm sorry for pushing you all this time, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to", you said. You realized that all your curiosity was driven by your eagerness to be his friend. Now as long as you could just look at his eyes and talk to him, you wanted nothing more.

"It's okay Y/N. I want to tell you."

You nodded and helped him to sit up. "I have been given a task Y/N. By- by the Dark Lord. It is my only chance to save myself and my family".

You shuddered. You had always been afraid to lose all your friends in the wizarding war. You knew it was inevitable, but never really thought about it. Especially how your friendship with Draco would be affected. You knew which side you were in. You were not the bravest, but your parents were killed by the Dark Lord, despite the fact that they worked for him. If you had a chance, you'd definitely fight against him. But if you had a chance to bring back your parents by working for him...

Your thoughts were interrupted when you realized Draco hadn't finished yet.

"I- "

"You don't need to say anything", he said. "I have done horrible things while trying to accomplish it. I almost killed Katie Bell."

So that was him. What task could be so dangerous that he almost killed a student? Afterall, he was just sixteen.

"The truth, Y/N, is that I'm a Death Eater now", he said, and rolled up his left sleeve to reveal a tattoo that you knew so well. He sighed again. "I know you'll hate me after this. But you weren't going to leave me alone, were you? I wanted to keep you away from my messed up life, but I was also afraid that you might hate me. I didn't want to lose you, but you deserved the tru-"

You grabbed his hand and leaned in to kiss him before you could change your mind. For a moment, the world paused. The only thing your senses could pick up was the subtle scent of his musk cologne and the slightly bitter taste of his lips, probably from the medicines.

Before your realized what you were doing, you felt his hands on your cheeks, drawing you in his embrace. He was kissing you back.

After what felt like an eternity, you parted, though his hands were still on your cheeks.

"I love you", you whispered.

"Why?", he mumbled, more to himself than to you.

"You are the strongest person I know. You are doing what you must, but you are not a bad person. I know", you replied. "You don't need to tell me what task you have. I know what the Dark Lord is capable of. We all have our terrors Draco."

He removed his hands from your cheeks, held your hands and brought them close to his lips, and gave them a soft tentative peck.

"I don't know what is to come Y/N", he said. "I might not be able to finish the task, I might not be able to survive. And if I do manage to finish it, I'll never be able to look back, I'll have to commit to him. But for what it's worth, you, Y/N, are my only glimmer of hope, and you'll always be", he said, and kissed you again.

You didn't know how long the peace would last, how long you would have the opportunity to kiss him, how long you could hold on to him, but you knew how much you loved him, and how you always would.

As if reading your mind, he replied.

"I love you Y/N, and I always will."

Note: I tried my best to write it without affecting canon, so it's a bit of an abrupt ending. If you want me to continue this and change the main plot of HBP, do tell me.

[anendlessdawnfalling]

⭐ Berry Berry Benny!! ⭐

Here is my late review and opinion of Kurenai Yuzuru's last dinner show in August. I had a hard time to assimilate everything that happened these last months, beware of it's length and I hope you love Hoshigumi. Good reading! 💖 I'm sorry if it comes up to you completely, I don't know how the tumblr editing works. 😰 (I'm not sure the songs listing is entirely accurate.)

It was an emotional evening I must say, I deeply love Kurenai Yuzuru and it was overwhelming. I must admit that I'm not entirely sure of the rightness of my timeline, since quite some time passed. I attended the event in Osaka on shonichi, and everyone was very nervous including myself. The dinner show was held at the International Hankyu Hotel with approximately 500 attendees. The ladies at my table were very lovely, we chatted a bit and of course the easiest subject to talk about was Kurenai Yuzuru! Beni's parents were also in the audience closer to the stage.

🥂 DINNER 🥂

The dinner itself was very nice, and was a four course meal inspired by French cuisine. The Menu was written in French and Japanese, a very cute touch. Most of the sentences made sens, but there's still some work to be done, my proposition is that Hankyu should stop using Google translate and hire me instead. As hilarious as it is, we wouldn't want another "Nouvelle / Chinois " to happen.

Dinner was served in that order; Hors d'oeuvres was raw Bream with veggies and carpaccio. L'Entrée was a piece of lightly fried tilefish with a celery and chestnuts buttery sauce. Oddly the taste remembered me of my mother's cuisine, so it's good. The main course was red meat topped with mushrooms and a light sauce, it was accompanied by asparagus, cabbage and potatoes. My only concern was the bread they served with it, if you ate Japanese bread before you might know what I'm talking about. I highly despise the baguettes there because it tastes like cheap Subway bread, that was my very Taurus rant. Finally, the dessert was a red Opéra cake decorated with a Kurenai 5 colored coulis, fruits and a star chocolate. It was ADORABLE.

For the drinks, there was a wide variety offered, one of my favorite was the Asahi 紅 beer. The servers kept generously filling my wine glass, which I can't complain about. I preferred being a little bit tipsy because I didn't know how it was going to go.

🌌 SET 🌌

The stage was a very shiny deep blue tone and was adorned with some glossy columns. A very galaxy note! (Or metaphor because Beni's the God of Stars) The room was giant and pretty cozy at the same time, maybe I'm highly biased because I love Hoshigumi fans aura. The last time I was in a room that luxurious was for a wedding, which Takarazuka events always remember me of, weddings. One could say that, I'm easily impressed by gigantic crystals chandeliers and very elegant tables settings.

There were two rows of chairs at the back of the room, and just before the show started a few Hoshigumi seito sneaked there before it went dark. After a quick glance I remember seeing Arisa Hitomi, Asamizu Ryou and Amaki Homare. There were many more of them that I didn't manage to get a good glance at.

✨ SHOW ✨

As the room went dark and the lights started to flashes toward the stage, the audience deeply anticipated Kurenai's arrival. I started to envy the others closer to the stage, that would have a better view and I regretted to not have brought my opera glasses with me. However she didn't appear right away, and took quite some time to make the audience more excited. Guess what? She bursted of the door right behind me in a beautiful red suit, startling everyone while running and singing. I almost had an heart attack and didn't regret petty things anymore. Thus began Berry Berry BENNY!!

The "supporting" cast was composed of Tenju Mitsuki, Kisaragi Ren, Kizaki Reo and Shirotae Natsu. Everyone jumped out of the stage as Sayumi made her arrival and the first song was Berry Berry Benny. Which by that point my table mates and I were quite shaken by everything that happened. Truly only Beni can pull something like that over and over again and still surprise me. ( Throwback to Stella Rossa) After the song, the cast proceeded to introduce themselves and chit chat a bit. Kurenai asked if they were in Tokyo, Mikki corrected her and she kept laughing. (She NEEDS vacations.)

The second song was Ai no rengoku from Anna Karenina, performed by Beni alone. A very dramatic start I must say, Mr.Karenin left a deep impression on her. Her interpretation was very venurable, and truly delightful if you love her non comical side.

Special talk segment 1: Two chairs were set up for Sayumi and a guest plus a life sized shiny cardboard of Beni. However it was not the regular Kurenai Yuzuru who came on stage, but Beniko in one of the most horrible costumes I've seen on her. Renta was the first guest of the Beniko show, they spoke teasingly of other Hoshigumi seito about how everyone was crying so hard on raku. Both of them were diabolically laughing. As the time went out, the Kurenai cardboard would illuminate and menacing threats would come on. Naachan interview was sweeter and shorter than Renta, she admitted that she cried on raku unlike someone else. Beniko, Renta and Naachan proceeded to sing Raimei. I wasn't ready for the absurdity of the situation, and I must admit I haven't laugh that hard in so many years.

To leave time for Beni to quick change costume, Ren and Natsu sang Yume Butai [ À bientôt ]. Their voice sounded really great as a duet! ♡ I was especially excited for this because it meant Renta had an extra special moment before her retirement. Nacchan and her are really positive people and you can feel this vibe as they perform. Furthermore, an upperclassmen musumeyaku is a delight to see highlighted.

Beni-chan no usomitaina honto no hanashi: A magical story of Beni's life. She narrates/sing the whole thing with highlights of her life and her love for Takarazuka. From what I remember; Mikki was child Beni, Renta as the creepy Butler from Meichan, Natsu as what I suppose was Beniko and Reo was André. (I might be mistaken, I'll correct it if that's the case. I have a goldfish memory.) Cute anecdote: Her dream was to be André in the RoV shinko, but she was appointed as the Grand Chamberlain and was very sad about it. They also made passive-aggressive jokes about Koike sensei, it made me crack.

LUCKY STAR ! Or a cute reminder of where she started, I was very happy she included that song and I felt like a mother hen. It was a nice transition with her earlier storytime, it's joyful, energetic and very her. ♡ She gave us a very explosive and all over the place performance.

Surprise drum rolls, what you wanted to know for so long and the answer is YES. The glorious Kurenai 5 made the comeback we were all waiting for, or more so the Kurenai 3. Beni, Renta and Mikki were in their old matching T-shirt and nostalgia hit me hard. I almost missed the mullet Beni used to have. Then entered the missing members life sized cardboard, both Reo and Naachan made their respective member dance through the song. No one was expecting this, the whole room was filled with laughter. They then talked about the origins of Kurenai 5 and what fun experiences they had in the past. They pointed out that the band would officially not work anymore, as it would be just 1. Beni proceeded to tease Mikki quite a lot. Both Ichijou Azusa and Miya Rurika had recorded a message for their dear leader, in which Beni was delighted to hear. Renta and Mikki then proceeded to slam their microphone to the cardboards during the intervention. It was hilarious! Both Miyaruri and Shiiran were at the raku in Tokyo, so if the DVD is that recording we'll have the delight to physically see them. Sayumi thought Shiiran sounded very ladylike and that Miya sounded very sleepy, like she should go to sleep.

Your favorite song by Benny was a segment where she proposed us three different songs that she could sing for us. After the vote she discarded the audience opinion and did the one she wanted, Smile from Meichan's Butler. (Very her to do that) Unlike the other times she walked through the audience as she sang, and I started to get nervous again when she headed toward the back of the room. She was taking the time to look at everyone very carefully and lovingly. Then she was in front of me and the world fell down. It was THE BEST two seconds of my entire life. I was very much horrendously blushing , but hey Kurenai Yuzuru and I shared a glance while she sang the creepy Butler song? Very shoujo like situation, a part of me fell in love with her all over again. Otokoyaku are very convincing at their job, they don't need to do much to amaze me.

Special talk segment 2 with Mikki and Reo.

Beniko came back with an even more horrendous outfit than the first one; another awful red gown orned with lines of gold and silver sequins. Oversized trumpet sleeves with feathers on the end, a wig worthy of a Ghibli old witch and topped with numerous fans of herself.

Mikki's interview was the longest, and the one to which Beni's cardboard was the most aggressive. Both her and Reo talked about the whole taidan situation, the troupe loves so much BeniAiri. They're as emotional if not more than fans about this. Mikki and Reo came back on stage and joined Beniko to sing Killer Rouge. Another absurd situation, where Beni's gaze was her cool otokoyaku look but she was dressed similar to the old ladies she always mocks about.

Hoshi wo tsugumono was MikkiReo's duet. What a very dangerous duo they make, both their voices are pretty warm and l had a few butterflies in my stomach. I'm sorry for betraying you Sayumi!

Random selection ;

I believe it's a free for all section and that must choose a song according to their mood. That night the ensemble sang Om Shanti Om as Sayumi went off stage to get a quick change. Boi do Hoshigumi loves that production, their enthusiasm really shows while singing this particular song. They went through the public and did a few handtouch. Renta stole the fan of an audience member right in front of me and decided to refresh herself with it. Reo was having her usual bright sunshine energy, Mikki was being an Ikkemen far away from me competing with Natsu. The bright wave of Hoshigumi energy was filling the room, and you could feel the love.

Kurenai came back on stage, dressed entirely in white and we all knew what that meant. The final song was A piece of courage, from Scarlet Pimpernel. God does she LOVES that show most ardently. It was her only lead shinko role and her first Grand theater show as a Top Star, she always seemed to live her best life as Percy. She always look so hopeful when she sings this song, it is VERY touching. Special metion to Aachan who sang it as well at her music salon, if it's not being soulmate I don't know what is.

She got a curtain callback and sang Goodbye from Catch me if you can. Yes, she did that again. As if it wasn't enough from the sayonara show and every other opportunity given to her to sing this. I can honestly say a cried a river again and that I'm in a love hate relationship with that song.

This woman doesn't know what to say to her audience, even thought we made her come back twice. She just told us to go home and that it was over in her lovely kansaiben, I love it. ♡

The show was really fun and I'm really happy I got to go, I hope I didn't forget anything. They rehearsed after having to do one if not two performance a day , and only came out late at the night. They've all worked very hard in such a short amount of time, and the result was GREAT. Kurenai Yuzuru is a real entertainer, a star and she adores it. She puts so much love and energy in her work, it's truly admirable. I'm delighted to have been able to follow her career until now and I'm very glad I focused my attention to the wobbly Mercutio many years ago. She made me cry, laugh and dream. I love her SO much.

My final words are going to be her motto:

Never give up!! ☆