#I have to stop myself here before I'll start saying some depressing shit-

[lonely-moon-artist-blog]

I'm sorry.

I had an idea of drawing like A LOT OF CHARACTERS in one art piece. It was a great idea like..

I think it was.

But then I looked at the time and it was almost none left-

Even if I was like preparing for this day before I still didn't do much??

Eh so um. Yeah I did this.

.. I don't know how the creator of this au will feel about this even. I just hope that they won't be mad.

<Also like.. If I'm using the wrong pronouns PLEASE TELL ME OR ELSE I'M GOING TO CRINGE UP AND DIE IN A PIT->

[eclarinet]

same soup... different day

[sabahs-stuff]

Manifest appearance change. (Weight loss/gain)

(Success story)

❏First and foremost, Yeah, I know you shouldn't let go of your manifestation. Like detaching from your manifestation bla bla..

However, I have noticed that actively affirming appearance change is difficult for me because I love looking at my reflection in the mirror all the time. And I've to constantly remind myself to affirm. Every time I affirm, one of my inner voices started stating the opposite.

I weighed 47kg (I'm 5'3; I know it's the ideal weight, but I wanted to gain a little more). It was difficult for me to eat more. I believe it was about April 14 or 15. I decided to quit trying to eat more. I started to joke that I was gaining weight without eating,"are u kidding me? I'm eating nothing and also skipping dinner these days, so how tf am I gaining weight?" Some of my friends even laughed at me.🙂

Then, out of nowhere, my sister began complaining that I had gained weight, then few days ago I went to the doctor for a checkup, and they also measured my weight, it's 51KG now. Mind you, I skipped a lot of meals and wasn't eating at all. It was during the Mercury retrograde. I was quite depressed and saddened also someone so close to me died. But it took me like 10 days to gain 4kg. If that's not shocking idk what is.

So, this is what I did (•_•)

Reminder : "If you could make yourself believe that you have the exact appearance you desire, it would change"

Every time I ate, I told myself, "I should be dieting." And look at what I'M doing. I should start working out before it's too late. And that is all. Then I didn't even affirm anything during the day, ( I believe that if you make your brain believe that you're prettiest little creature on the planet and your existence is a service to the humanity then that's how it would be. And my toxic trait is that I believe my presence is a blessing to the humanity.😂

every time I looked in the mirror, I said, "Wtf? I'm gaining weight . "Shit, I need to diet." And trust me when I tell you at that exact moment your brain is going send you a thought "Stop lying; you're still skinny bitch"

But don't forget that you get to select what happens in your reality. If your mind wants to offer you lemons, make lemonade.😂

I said, "Yes, that's correct. If I want to lose my weight I need to affirm I'm still skinny" and I kept on saying "I need to lose weight or I'll gain more weight" just tricked my brain into thinking that I'm chubby and attempting to manifest becoming skinny. And I didn't focused on the end goal; I wasn't obsessed with it; I didn't give a damn about it, but whenever I noticed a little change, I freaked out as if something terrible had happened. And believe me when I say I freaked out it was Oscar worthy😂

I Remember, the first thing I noticed was that my arm was looking a bit chubby. I was screaming and even fake crying, 😭 "Damn this is embarrassing, I need to work out, I'm gaining weight." I then searched and downloaded weight loss workouts online.

Trust me I was living the moment 😂. literally living in the end. It was easy at the time because my brain was literally blank. I had no feelings or emotions, so I fed my brain whatever I wanted, and it ate every thought I gave it. I'm happy with my weight now.

I'm now 51kg this is just a photo I saved from Pinterest but this is my Desired type-

Here are some tips:

Your appearance is constantly changing with your affirmations and beliefs. So don't doubt whether this is going to work or not. 

Your manifestation will take time, depending on you and your beliefs.

And about mental health, I would post about it later, but it's important.

The more you visualize, the faster it will become a reality.Visualise everything; literally, everything you want, VISUALIZE 🙌 stay in your head

The amount of things I changed and manifested in my life is crazy; it's different for each person. But it took me a year to fully understand manifestation. So give yourself time. Spend time with yourself; the better you know yourself, the better you'll get in manifestation. Best advice: talk to yourself (in your head, of course, or others would think you're crazy, lol 😹.)  gossip with yourself; if you want to be tall tell yourself that you're tall and stick to it refuse to let go. ✊🏻

Hope you like it. It's my first ever post but clearly not the last 😉 feel free to ask any questions. 🩷

[luveline]

Omg I just had an idea. What if for the Zombie!AU the reader and Steve are just reminiscing and she’s like (fondly) “I fully thought you were just gonna leave me stranded u were so mean to me you HATED my guts.” Like laughing and joking about it and Steve is horrified like D: (irrationally grumpy about it like who does that jerk think he is treating my girl like that but it’s him he’s the jerk)

thank you for your request! steve zombie!au ♥︎ fem!reader 1k

"That's a good look on you," you say.

Steve pulls your scarf out where it's draped around his neck, faking an appreciative look at the pinks and reds knitted together. "Red's my colour." 

"It's definitely more pink than red." 

"And I'm rocking it," he says, tucking one end over the shoulder of his shiny windbreaker. 

"You are! You look awesome… Maybe I'll have to come out with you next time," you say, testing the waters, "and make sure you actually get yourself some stuff." 

"I don't need to get myself anything. I'll just steal yours." Steve lifts the soft threads at the end of the scarf to tickle your cold face. 

You tug your arm through the crook of his like a needle through aida, pulling him along the College campus one lethargic footstep at a time. You'd been a little stir crazy on your day off together, and Steve had proposed a walk. Steve doesn't want to be walking, he's done enough walking that he'd preferably only do it in absolute necessity for the rest of his life, but exercise will always be good for the soul, and he likes the way you look when you're cold, in a strange way. Not the front bitten depression of the days you'd spent getting here, but the fleeting freeze of a quick stroll. Your eyes are bright with happiness and your hands are not so casually wrapped around his arm, stealing his heat. 

Steve doesn't mind. You can take every drop of warmth he has. 

"It's a little funny, sometimes, when we share things. I remember, before I almost got my shit wrecked by that geek in the pretzel shop fridge, I tried to give you my extra socks and you told me to shut up." 

Steve presses his lips together. "I did?" 

"That I was gonna get us killed being loud," —you turn, walking backward, with your hand searching down the length of his arm until you've found his cold hand— "and that you were an idiot for not leaving me in Bradley's." You smile at him and you're all fondness as an ache bruises up Steve's chest. "I thought you were gonna leave me there. You really didn't like me." 

Steve had been a mess when you found him — saved him. He'd been so fucking scared and he'd been trying to survive, and you'd saved him. You were there through everything. He wishes more than anything that he could go back and look past Steve in the eye, tell him to take better care of you physically and otherwise. He'd been having a hard time, but so had you, and while you've forgiven him for how he acted, he can't forgive himself. Even if he had his reasons. 

"I wouldn't have left you," he says softly. He hates himself for making you think he would. 

You soften just a little in response. "I know that." 

"Really, I–" He shakes his head, sheepish. "Was such a dick. I'm sorry." 

You stop walking. Your head tips toward your shoulder. You frown, and Steve wants to kiss it into a smile. 

"You were a dick. You were mean," you say, "but you weren't cruel, Steve, you toughened me up, and you got us where we are now. I don't want you to be sorry." 

"That jerk." 

You quirk your brow quizzically. 

"Where the fuck does he get off?" 

"You mean you," you say. 

He pulls you in and takes a step forward at the same time. Your chests bump, Steve pulling your hand to his hip to encourage a hug he doesn't deserve. 

"I was a jerk," he says, pinching your chin between his thumb and index finger. 

Your lashes flutter near imperceptibly, your pupils little black beads that start to grow. He loves when you make the face you're making, waiting for him to kiss you, trying to pretend you aren't. Your gaze falls to his lips and you look needy enough for him to consider popping down on one knee. 

"I was a world class douchebag and you didn't deserve it." 

"No, I didn't," you echo. 

He nods appreciatively. "Can I kiss you?" 

Steve doesn't ask that question very often anymore. Considering the subject matter of what you've remembered, he wouldn't blame you for needing some space, even if your hands are searching up his back and your face is closing in on his.

"You can always kiss me, baby," you murmur. 

And thank whatever presence it is that gave him you for that. He kisses you gently until your lips part, and he feels the hot press of your tongue for a dizzying split-second. He pulls you close, his hand sliding up the side of your face, his eyes screwed tight. All his senses are full to the brim of you. 

His hair falls into your face. It must tickle, because you laugh and ease away from him. Your eyes shine with brightness and your lips with the evidence of an enthusiastic kiss as you stroke the rogue strand of hair out of his eyes. 

Steve can't believe there was a part of him that could ever look at you and not turn to putty in your hands. "I fucking hate that jerk," he grumbles.

"I love that jerk," you say, rubbing his cheekbone with your knuckle. 

You drop your hand to his and tangle your fingers. "Helps that you're hot when you're mean," you add lightly. 

Steve perks up. "Yeah?" 

"I'll tell you more about it, if you like… Once we finish our walk." 

He feels a surprising throb of forgiveness for past him. If there's one thing he did right, it was that he made you a very fast walker. 

[alexisnotstraight]

My Chemical Romance for Blender, april 2005 by Dorian Lymskey

"We're here to fight evil"

If death rockers My Chemical Romance say they're superheroes, then who is Blender to argue? we just don't remember Spider-Man having so many problems with drink, drugs and swearing in front of kids.

One day last august, Gerard Way boarded a plane to Japan with the grawing conviction that the might not be coming back. Over the past past year, the old singer for the rock group My Chemical Romance had got it into his head that he had to be drunk to perform, and then needed Xanax to switch off his brain afterwards, and the cumbination was making him suicidally depressed. Way didn't like being suicidally depressed, so he'd often add cocaine to the mix. That's when his mood really got black. He spent the days before the flight saying goodbye to friends in New Jersey, just in case

In Japan, Way spent all his time drunk. Before the final Tokyo show, he got so trashed on Heinekens and vodka tonics that he realized, even as he was performing, that he wouldn't be a able to remember anything about it the next day. After he came off stage he spent half an hour throwing up in a garbage can, until there was nothing coming up except bile. Tonight, be thought to himself, his hair caked with womit, I've drunk my last drink.

"It was a vicious circle," he says matter-of-factly. "I needed it to function but it made me want to kill myself. It made me extremely unpredictable and dangerous to myself. I didn't want it to get to the point where it became like a VHi Behind the Music where they show this seally had picture of me 30 pounds overweight, throwing up on the floor in Berlin. I didn't want that to happen to this band".

Way's cold-turkey fight back to the band's home of Belleville. New Jersey, was escruciating-almost 7.000 miles of skin-crawling, sweat-soaked willies. "I got really emotional outside the airport when we landed. I didn't know if I was going to see these guys again." He went straight to his therapist and booked into Alcoholics Anonymous, knowing that in the same week My Chemical Romance had to replace their drummer, fiim a video and start their tour. And you thought you'd had a hard week at work.

"We got through the hard shit," says Way. "This is the easy part".

Any fears last summer that My Chemical Romance were going to implode into obscurity were knocked flat by their swaggering teen-dysfunction anthem "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)."

Inspired by the high school experiences of Way and his friends, it delivers angst-rock verities with a knowing wink, not to mention the kind of melody that ignites careers. The tongue-in-cheek video, filmed in the same L.A. high school as Donnie Darko, depicted MCR as proudly geeky misfits. It was a role that didn't require much rehearsal.

Way calls My Chemical Romance's music "death rock." Others have tagged it goth punk or emo. Some endearing individuals have overcome genre confusion by simply calling MCR faggots. "Our guitarist Frank met somebody who said, 'How do you feel when people stop liking your band because they find out you're gay?" says Way, curling his lip with pointed amusement.

To the more meat-headed members of the Warped tour fraternity, some eyeliner and the occasional ambivalent lyric (in "You Know What They Do to Guys Like Us in Prison, Gerard sings "I'll kiss your lips again" to a male character) are too much to process, but Way hopes MCR can change a few minds.

"We've always tried to switch the way people think about rock bands," he says. "That [lyric] puts a dividing line between people. Are you on our side and you want to be different or are you on that side and you want to throw a football at my head?".

Only a morbid former comic-book artist from blue-collar New Jersey could have hatched a band as toughly unorthodox as My Chemical Romance. Gerard Way writes the songs with his bandmates -his bassist brother Mikey Way, guitarists Ray Toro and Frank lero, and new drummer Bob Bryar-but the vision is all his. He illustrates the record sleeves and defines their image. Recently he chose matching shirts, ties and armbands for the band to wear in the video for "Helena." taking enormous care not to resemble (a) the Hives or (b) the Nazis.

Most important, he's the one who assembled the band back in late 2001. when September 11 jolted him out of his rut as a struggling illustrator. On their 2002 debut album, I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love, and last year's Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge, MCR yoke the thunder of punk to the black humor of Morrissey, Nick Cave and Tom Waits, and blaze with purpose.

"There are bands that are in it for the wrong reason, polluting the airwaves and filling their own pockets," Gerard growls. "Or just saying. Oh I wanna be a rockstar. Right. You've got a lot of kids following you. What are you saying to them?"

So what are MCR saying?

He's ready for this one. "We're saying it's OK to be messed up. There's other people just like you. And if we stick together we'll get through this."

When Gerard was still working in comic books, his favorite creation was The Amazing Goffo Brothers, Piano Movers Extraordinaire. A black comedy set in a creepy, anonymous city, it was a metaphor for the relationship between him and his younger brother, Mikey.

Despite their age difference (Gerard is 27: Mikey is 24), the Way brothers wore matching outfits as children. Today, the Ways arrive at a Midtown Manhattan restaurant wearing identical black jackets, but that's the only visible similarity.

With his blood-red tie, ink-black hair and snow-pale skin, Gerard looks part Jack White, part Edward Scissorhands, and sounds as if he's been hanging out at the Bada Bing! club. His stick-thin sibling, meanwhile, wears oblong-framed glasses and the kind of candy-striped wool hat favored by fourth-graders and fashion stylists. He has the most extraordinary laugh: a shrill, girlish giggle that causes waiters to turn their heads.

They grew up in the predominantly Italian-American town of Belleville, in Sopranos country the Pizzaland restaurant glimpsed in the show's opening credits is a few blocks from the house they still live in with their auto-mechanic dad and hairdresser mom. In Jersey, says Gerard, "There's a 99% chance you're not going to do anything with your life." Mikey yelps with pretend outrage.

"Well, 90%, maybe," his brother concedes in a deadpan drawl. "Every time I come back to Jersey, it's ready to put its tentacles all over me and suck me right back in. If I'm home for more than three weeks. I forget I'm in a band. I start to fill out applications for supermarkets."

Is there anything good about the Garden State?

"I think it gives you a bleak outlook on life, which is awesome," says Mikey, cackling. "It gives you an edge. When you're from Jersey, people act like you're from Rikers.

Gerard nods. "Sometimes all we have to do is get up there, make some feedback and say, 'Yeah we're from Noo Joisey,' and then hit 'em like a bomb. People are like, 'Hey, I don't want to get beat up!"

After high school, Gerard studied art and Mikey drifted his way through college: "I thought college was a place you went to find people to be in a band with." Sometimes they played in bands together, but Gerard was more committed to becoming an artist, which was proving to be a disheartening process. When he eventually quit, his big project was a magic cartoon chimp called Breakfast Monkey. "I was doing bullshit," he shrugs.

After September 11, Gerard wrote his first song. "Skylines and Turnstiles," and played it to an old friend, drummer Matt Pelissier. Pelissier knew a guitarist called Ray Toro. "They played me their one song and I was jumping around the attic and headbanging," says Toro, a genial, frizzy- haired film buff with a caricature of Alfred Hitchcock tattooed on his left arm.

"Gerard sounded really sincere about wanting to start something real. That's what made me excited."

The members of My Chemical Romance aren't especially weird-it's not like any of them collect skulls or serial killer memorabilia-but they all grew up with reasons to feel like outsiders.

Toro was a shy kid with an overprotective mother. Instead of going out with friends, he'd stay at home playing guitar to Jimi Hendrix or Metallica. Guitarist Frank lero suffered from bronchitis and ear infections and was ill almost constantly until the fifth grade. He was raised by his mom after she split from his dad, a musician who worked on records by John Lennon and Kiss. "I'm in the family music industry," he says. "My dad would ask me how school was, but mostly it was, 'When are you going to start playing?".

Jazz-trained drummer Bob Bryar was an Illinois kid "who took apart radios and stuff and then tried to put them back together and realized they didn't work." He has a dark sense of humor that can sometimes come off as surliness. "I get these urges to fuck off sometimes," he says. "I find it hard to entertain myself."

Bryar befriended the rest of the band in 2003, when he was a soundman for the Used, whom My Chemical Romance were supporting. When relations with Pelissier deteriorated, he stepped in. The new lineup had just two days to practice before their next tour.

"I haven't relaxed in a long time," sighs lero. "I look forward to that. I'd like to take a step back and look at some newspaper clippings."

The next morning, the sky is the color of a dirty washbowl and it's being emptied on New Jersey. Brian Schechter, My Chemical Romance's manager, taps at his cellphone as he steers his car through the damp, gray streets to pick up the Ways. We collect Mikey first.

"Did you see that MTV.com headline?" he asks, still wearing his striped hat. "MCR Aim for Smashing Pumpkins Status. It was out of context, but it's OK makes people think it's possible."

The band's destination is Philadelphia's Theatre of Living Arts. A local radio station held a competition between high schools to raise the most food for homeless shelters, the prize being an exclusive My Chemical Romance show. Considering the audience will be as young as 13. some adjustments need to be made. "We should probably have a PG show tonight," says Schechter. "We didn't do a show for charity just for Gerard to call them a bunch of motherfuckers."

It's a forlorn hope. "Put your fucking hands together!" cries Gerard within minutes of stepping onstage. In a black-velvet suit, red tie and black armband, he struts across the stage, wagging his finger to the lyrics or spraying mouthfuls of water over the front rows, while his band compress punk, metal, goth and glam into furiously concise pop songs. When he introduces "Headfirst for Halos" as "a song about suicide," you can almost feel the ripples of concern from the adult chaperones lurking around the edges of the room. However, even they can't resist tapping a toe to "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)." Last night MCR played it on The Late Show With David Letterman. Tonight they're playing it to a couple hundred Philadelphia high school kids. Letterman was a highlight of their career to date, but it's here that the song makes most sense.

"I didn't do my usual thing, where I compare high school to prison," protests Gerard later, sucking on a cigarette in a dimly lit backstage office. He admits he can see how people might get the wrong idea about MCR. "Journalists usually portray us as a fucked-up, dark, vampire. alcoholic rock band. Until they meet us."

Although he's got the charisma and the goth pinup looks to be an angst-rock martyr, Gerard seems too grounded to play the feel-my-pain card. Maybe it's the Jersey in him. Even when he talks about his therapist (a "rad guy" who turned him on to Brian Eno), he's pragmatic.

"If you're in this band, you're in it for the right reasons," Gerard declares. "You're not in it for money or fame. You're in it to do some good. Becoming more popular, it's like people are granting us superpowers and we have to use them to fight evil."

Is that the comic books talking?

"Oh yeah," he says, his grin a pearly sliver in the gloom. "We're like the Doom Patrol."

[tobiasdrake]

Digimon Adventure 01x16 - Dark Evolution! SkullGreymon / The Arrival of SkullGreymon

Previously on Digimon Adventure: The wicked servants of Elvis gave our kids food and baths. Fleeing into a nearby cave, Taichi found the Warp Whistle and got them out of there before they could be exposed to Elvis's music any longer.

Now we join them an ambiguous length of time later, in a place that is certainly not the forested mountains we left them in.

We're back in the desert. Why are we back in the desert? Why did we go back there? IDK but Mimi's is bothered as I am.

Mimi: Ugh, how much farther do we have to talk? Jou: Until we find a place where Etemon can't reach us. Mimi: Does a place like that even exist!?!? Yamato: I hope so. We have nowhere to run if Etemon attacks us right now. Sora: This is bad. Everyone's starting to get depressed.

Wandering through the vast deserts of Server under threat that Etemon could appear at any moment naturally has a negative impact on the group's mental health. Sora's concerned for them. But Taichi's annoyed.

Taichi: What's going on here!? Get a hold of yourselves! We have a Crest with us now! Yamato: Sure, but can they really evolve with just the Crest? Taichi: Of course. Right, Agumon? Agumon: Mmm-- Taichi: Be more assertive! You're the only one right now who can evolve to the next level! You have to stand for all of us on the battlefield! Tentomon: We're counting on you! Taichi: By the way, how do we reach the next evolution? Koushiro: Well, from what we know about evolution, they need a lot of energy to evolve. They couldn't do it when they were hungry. Also, it happens when their partner is in danger. Taichi: I see.... So, about, that energy thing: To evolve to a higher level, I guess you'd need more energy than ever, right?

Taichi ties off that question with a wink at Agumon, who flinches from Taichi's exuberance. He's plotting.

As he brought up at the end of the last episode (but not in the dub), In stark contrast to the rest of the group, who are still in survival mode, Taichi feels invincible now that he has this Crest. He's confident that he has the key to Etemon's demise right there around his neck. He just needs to figure out how it works.

Over in the dub, Tai's going even harder.

Tai: Hey, come on, you guys! Why'd we stop? Why's everyone so scared? After all, we do have the Crest, you know! Matt: That's true! But do we really know the Crest will help Agumon to Digivolve? Tai: Of course! Right, Agumon? Agumon: Hmm? Tai: Listen, buddy: This is your big chance! Don't let me down! You're the only one that can Digivolve further so either you try to get to the next level and save us from Etemon or I'll go and get myself a new Digimon! Tentomon: Not much of a choice! Tai: ARGH! By the way, how are we supposed to use the Crest to Digivolve again? Izzy: Well, from what we've seen so far with the other Digivolutions, it takes a lot of energy. For example, they can't Digivolve if they're hungry. In addition, the Partner of the Digimon must be in some sort of danger. You know, like being under attack or something. Tai: But since it's a higher level of Digivolving, my theory is even more energy is needed. So we'll provide the food; Etemon will provide the danger!

Love that closing line, "We'll provide the food; Etemon will provide the danger!" That's a great way to set up the bad decision-making that's about to take place.

The biggest difference between the two versions is that Tai threatens to fire Agumon in this one. Holy shit! He's being a twat either way but that's brutal.

We cut briefly to Etemon's trailer being carted through the desert. He's rambling.

Etemon: You kids just wait! When I find you, I'll knock you flat and stuff you like turkeys!

Over in the dub, he says:

Etemon: You better watch out, you DigiDestined kids! I'll find you and, when I do, you'll wish you never crossed Etemon! I'll get ya!

This may seem like a lateral move, but the "stuff you like turkeys" line is setup for a gag. We cut immediately from that line to:

The dub destroys this joke, not only changing Etemon's line but introducing a commercial break between Etemon's setup and Agumon's payoff.

Over here at a small oasis, Taichi is force-feeding Agumon as much as possible.

Agumon: I can't eat anymore! Taichi: When I say eat, you eat! No complaining! Agumon: But-- Taichi: Listen! Everyone gave you their share of food because they're looking forward to your evolution! Right, guys? Yamato: Sure. Mimi: Gave it to him? More like he took it from us. Gabumon: But we can't evolve to a higher level. Jou: (bitterly) So it's "Whoever doesn't work doesn't eat"? Tentomon: Oh no.... Taichi: Eh? What was that? I can't hear you! Isn't that right, guys? Group: (unenthusiastically) Uh-huh! Taichi: See? That's why you and I have to work hard together! We have to protect everyone!

Taichi is now preventing the rest of the group from eating so that he can force-feed Agumon far beyond his limits. Based entirely on his own speculation that Agumon will need a supreme amount of energy for a Perfect-stage evolution.

Palmon: I guess that means we're dragging everyone down. Piyomon: Even so, I feel sorry for Agumon. Sora: Yeah. Agumon looks like he's being forced into a corner. Koushiro: During club activities, Taichi-san was always nice to us younger members. Sora: Now that you mention it, back in soccer club....

While the first part of this scene is played totally straight in the dub, this bit's a little different.

Palmon: I guess there's not much else we can do to help. Biyomon: I don't know if Agumon can take much more! Sora: Yeah, Tai is really pushing him. Agumon's stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey. Izzy: Tai's personality has taken a turn for the worse lately. I remember him being friendlier even to us younger kids. Sora: Actually, now that you mention it, he was cool during soccer camp.

"Soccer camp" is an interesting choice here. Extracurricular "soccer club" isn't really a thing in the U.S. but schools do have sports teams. Not usually for elementary schools, though. Sora and Taichi are in fifth grade. In order to play soccer together, they'd have to be part of a recreational youth program like at the YMCA or, as noted, a soccer camp.

Meanwhile, Koushiro's reference to sharing "club activities" with Taichi, though the sentiment of his line remains. I guess they couldn't imagine why Izzy would play soccer.

From here, Sora flashes back on a school soccer game. Taichi's playing in the front of his team as a striker, a position notorious for arrogant and selfish play, and he has the ball. Sora is the other striker, running down the field parallel to Taichi.

We see the gears turn in Taichi's head.

Sora: Taichi, pass! Taichi: This is my chance to shoot! Here I go!

But then another player slides in front of him on an intercept course. Without missing a beat, Taichi passes the ball sideways a moment before the slide trips him up. Sora receives his pass, striking the ball with a headbutt and sending it sailing into goal.

Helping Taichi to his feet, Sora appreciates his sportsmanship.

Sora: Nice pass! I thought you'd try to take the shot yourself. Taichi: I'd never do something that crazy! Ahahahaha!

Back in the present, Sora reflects:

Sora: Taichi seems like the type to rush off on his own, but he's always taken his surroundings into consideration. Koushiro: Right. Sora: But now.... Taichi: We're the only ones who can do this! So keep going! Eat up! Agumon: No more! Sora: Ever since Taichi got that Crest, he's become a completely different person.

Again, the dub here is a bit altered.

Sora: Tai might look like he's trying to run things all by himself, but whatever crazy action he takes, he does it for the good of the team. Izzy: Mmhmm. Sora: But now all this.... Tai: We're the only ones who can help now! So you've gotta keep eating, okay, Agumon!? Agumon: I can't! Sora: Tai's personality seems to have changed ever since he got a hold of that Crest of Courage.

Sora's point is about Taichi typically having situational awareness to temper his enthusiasm. He was going to take the shot himself, but when he realized he was about to be intercepted, he quickly switched gears and passed the ball rather than stubbornly forging ahead.

"Tai makes ridiculous choices but always for good reasons!" is a bizarre takeaway for her to have from that anecdote.

Also, she name-drops Crest of Courage before any of the kids know that the Crests mean things. That's a straight-up continuity error right there.

Suddenly, the conversation's broken up a ringing pulse shining inside Jou's shirt.

Jou: I'm starving... Hmm? What the...? (Jou pulls his Tag out of his shirt and sees it pulsing blue) Jou: (standing up suddenly) Hey, look! My Tag! Yamato: It's reacting to something. Koushiro: Your Crest must be nearby! Taichi: Really!?

Taichi whips out his mini-telescope, scanning the nearby surroundings until he spots a set of ruins in the distance. Ecstatic, Jou races down the dune they're resting on, tripping over something buried in the sand.

Gomamon: What's a cable doing here?

His question doesn't get answered, but we know these cables. Far off, Etemon orders the Monochromon dragging his trailer to halt.

Etemon: STOP!!! Gazimon: What's wrong, Etemon-sama? Etemon: Ehehehehehe!!! Something's stuck in my network! L-7 Area... Let's see... Where was that? L over, 7 down, and... There it is! Gazimon: Where is it? Etemon: YIIIIIII!!! It's near the Coliseum! Remember? The place I hold my yearly concert! (angrily) They fled to such a place.... Gazimon: Geh. It's pretty far. Etemon: Yep. However, I have an interesting show set up there. Ahaha!

In the dub:

Etemon: WHOA!!! Gazimon: What is it, Lord Etemon? Etemon: Ahaha! Something's caught in my network, uh-huh-huh! The intruder's in the L-7 sector. Let's see, L-7, L-7... How's this thing work? Oh, here it is! Gazimon: Where is it? Etemon: Hahaha, it's near the Coliseum! That's where I hold my annual Tribute to Me show; I wonder what they're doing all the way over there? You got any idea? Gazimon: Well, maybe they want to get good seats, boss. Etemon: Oh, they'll have a perfect view for the surprise show I planted for 'em! Hahahaha!

Small change: Etemon seems miffed that the kids are at the Coliseum in the original. It's a subtle moment, but it almost seems like he's offended that they're hiding out in a place that has sentimental value to him personally.

"Maybe they want to get good seats" is a great quip. We lose Gazimon expositing that it's far off, but Etemon covered that with "all the way over there" so the information is still conveyed.

The big shift here is the "show" waiting for the kids. Etemon in the original suggests that what's about to happen is part of his annual concert setup. He's repurposing resources already in place for another reason. Dub Etemon seems to have set this all up as a trap on purpose? Though given the events to follow, that's still a believable interpretation.

Etemon calls another Gazimon over in L-7 to arrange his plan.

Gazimon: Yeah? This is the L-7 area. Etemon: It's me. Gazimon: (leaps to his feet) Y-Yes!? Etemon: Some guests will be arriving soon. Prepare a welcome party. Gazimon: W-Welcome party!? You don't mean that thing? Etemon: I mean that thing. Gazimon: U-UNDERSTOOD!!!

This Gazimon races off into the Coliseum to prepare for the children's arrival.

Inside, the Coliseum is a bit different from what one might expect of ancient Roman architecture.

Koushiro: It looks like the Roman Coliseum! Tentomon: What is that? Taichi: An ancient stadium. Mimi: Look! A widescreen TV! Sora: And a goal post! This is a soccer field! Taichi: Well, let's split up and look for the Crest!

Neat. You know those ancient Romans and their love for giant stadium monitors and soccer.

We've been in Digimon World/Digital World for so long that no one even cares about out-of-place modern shit anymore. That's just life.

Unfortunately, all that overfeeding is taking a toll on Agumon, who falls to the ground abruptly.

Agumon: I can't move... Let me sleep.... Taichi: What's wrong with you!? Get up! Agumon: Sorry.... Jou: Let him rest. The only clue we have is this Tag. Gomamon and I will go look, so the rest of you take a break. Taichi: I'll go with you!

Jou-senpai stepping up to be the responsible one again, but as usual, Taichi can't be still for five seconds.

While Taichi and Jou race off to search for Jou's Crest, something interesting rolls out onto the soccer field.

Sora: (excited gasp) Soccer ball! Hey, want to play soccer!? Takeru: That sounds like fun! Yamato: Let's make it Human Team vs. Digimon Team. Tentomon: What's soccer? Sora: It's where you use your legs to kick this ball into a goal. You can also use your head or chest.

She demonstrates by popping the ball up and passing it with her head to Gabumon. He delivers a powerful kick, sending it up in an arc. Piyomon tries to catch it with her wings, but the ball hits her in the face and knocks her flat. It then bounces into Palmon's hands behind her.

Sora: You can't use your hands. Palmon: Don't you think that's really unfair to me? Takeru: The goalkeeper can use their hands, right? Yamato: Yeah. You'd be perfect for goalkeeper, Palmon.

In the dub, Palmon's objection is removed. After Biyomon gets clonked, Palmon's line and Sora's are switched.

Palmon: Oh! That's really using your head! Sora: Oh, and I forgot to tell you: You can't use your hands. T.K.: Unless you're the goalkeeper; Then you can touch the ball with your hands! Matt: Yeah! You should be the goalie for your team, Palmon!

It's a minor difference, but the bit doesn't flow quite as well without the point being raised that Palmon, more than anyone here, is a very grabby Digimon. She has a much higher hands-to-other-stuff ratio than the rest of the group.

With Palmon's role sorted out, she gives the ball a toss to put it back in play. Suddenly, noticing the others having fun, Tai races in and gives the ball a heavy kick, sending it hurtling to the upper audience stands.

By comical coincidence, he scores a direct hit on Gazimon way up there. Even when he's being a shit, Taichi has amazing soccer instincts. The shot sends Gazimon tumbling down the stairs into the Coliseum's inner chambers.

Taichi: How the hell can you guys be playing soccer at a time like this!?!? Stop and think about what we're dealing with! We're leaving as soon as Jou finds his Crest!

(This is Taichi's "How you season your eggs is causing the decline of Japanese culture" moment. Like Jou way back when, Taichi is cracking under the pressure of being at war with an invulnerable foe.)

Before anyone can say anything to Taichi, the stadium's filled with sports music and the screen turns on.

Etemon: WAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I am the greatest!

Screaming in terror, the kids flee for their lives, inexplicably choosing to take cover inside a soccer net. (Why?) This bizarre choice proves to be part of the trap; The net closes around them, sealing them in. Everyone but Agumon; He tripped and didn't make it to the net because his belly's still too full to move.

Etemon: GOOOOOOOOOAL!!! Now I've got you! Taichi: It was a trap! Tentomon: You think you can keep us in here with just this!?

Tentomon tries to break through the net, but it's electrified. It gives him a discouraging shock the moment he touches it.

Etemon: You're going to injure yourself if you do that. The net's wires are electrified! I've love to be there and do this face-to-face but unfortunately I'm too far away for that. Stars have busy schedules, y'know. But don't worry! A special guest is going to take my place! Who do you think it will be? Taichi: Who cares!? Etemon: I bet he's going to surprise you! YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!

Etemon's guest star arrives: A Greymon with a black "collar" made up of what seems to be a Dark Network cable wrapped around their neck. They stomp into the Coliseum, wrecking everything in their path.

Taichi: G-Greymon!? Etemon: See? You're so surprised! I'm such a fabulous show producer. Now, let's get started! (English) IT'S SHOWTIME!!!

In the dub, we get:

Tai: It's a different Greymon! Etemon: See? I knew you'd be surprised! I'm so evil! ~Let's get started / It's time to go / Okay! / Here's the show!

That might be the funniest change in the series. I wonder which show producer objected to having Etemon proclaim, "I'm such a fabulous show producer"? XD

Agumon evolves to fight the other Greymon. As they're fighting, Takeru drops this banger.

Gabumon: You can do this, Greymon! Takeru: Don't lose to a fake!

Those are some bold words when that one over there is a natural Greymon and our guy can only hit that stage temporarily thanks to Digivice magic.

Sadly, natural Greymon proves to be superior in brawling with a temp. They land a horn bash to our Greymon's chin, sending him backwards into the electrified net.

Conceding that our Greymon can't beat Etemon's, Taichi sees only one avenue left.

Taichi: Evolve, Greymon! Koushiro: He can't keep this up. Tentomon: He can't win if he doesn't evolve!

Greymon gets back up and keeps fighting, but the other Greymon tosses him to the ground and stomps on his head. Taichi screams at him to evolve.

Taichi: Evolve! Evolve, Greymon! Koushiro: It's useless, Taichi-san. Your Crest isn't reacting at all. Yamato: Evolution is impossible. Taichi: I don't accept that. Greymon, I know you can do it! Believe in your ability to evolve!

Greymon does not evolve. He bashes the other Greymon off with a tail whip, then attempts to fire off a Mega Flame.

However, all that comes out is a belch. This is what tips off the group as to why he's having so much trouble.

Mimi: How can you burp at a time like this? Yamato: Do his movements look slower than usual? Koushiro: I get it. His body is heavy from overeating! Tentomon: You're right!

Tentomon's so excited by this revelation, he takes to the air and electrocutes himself on the net again. Smooth.

Meanwhile, Gazimon takes another call from Etemon.

Etemon: Don't just stand around! Start the ending celebration! Prepare the fireworks and step on it!

Gazimon takes up a position up on top of a set of three statue heads, raising sparklers for the ceremony.

While our Greymon continues to get worked over, Gomamon desperately calls his Marching Fishes to lend a fin.

Water pours out of the statues' mouths, with Gomamon's fish flying from the water. They mug Gazimon for his sparklers and make their way over to the enemy Greymon, baiting them away from our Greymon.

Meanwhile, the kids discuss the massive WTF of this occurrence.

Jou: How were fishes able to come out of there!? Gomamon: Don't look at me. I don't understand complex stuff. Koushiro: There's probably a rift to another dimension over there. Gomamon: What he said. Jou: I see....

It's as good an explanation as any.

The dub dialogue is similar, but Izzy's more condescending about it.

Joe: Where did those fish come from!? How could they just come out of there like that!? Gomamon: I dunno, but if it's not broken, don't fix it! Izzy: It's really elementary, Joe. There's probably just a dimensional vortex rift in the water. Gomamon: Ditto! Joe: Oh.

Imagine not knowing about aquatic dimensional vortex rifts. That's baby stuff. You're kinda dim, Joe.

Once the conversation's finished, the Marching Fishes drop their sparklers at Greymon's feet and then fly off into the sky, visibly fading out of existence. (I guess they Dimensional Vortex Rifted away.)

Koushiro comes up with the idea of tunneling to safety. The kids peel back the tiles to find another black cable, but also a large stone bearing a symbol like the one that formed Taichi's Crest. The stone begins to pulse, as does Jou's Tag.

Assuming it works the same, Jou rests his Tag on the stone.

Crest received!

Just in time for the ground beneath them, no longer braced by the Crest stone, to give way and dump the kids. into a deep hole. But it's a deep hole with an exit, so they're free. We briefly cut to Etemon furiously watching them make their escape.

Etemon: Those damn children! Not only did they escape, but they have another Crest! UNFORGIVABLE!!!

It's here that Taichi makes terrible choices.

Taichi: He'd win if he evolved. If he could only evolve! GREYMON!!! Sora: Stop! Taichi: Don't stop me! This is my chance to get Greymon to evolve! Please just stay out of the way! Sora: But your Crest isn't reacting at all! It's impossible for him to evolve! Taichi: He will evolve. No, I'll make him!

Taichi hops down into the stadium and races out onto the field, towards where the two Greymon are fighting.

(This is where Sora's anecdote from earlier comes into play. Taichi isn't being situationally aware. He's not paying attention to the factors on the field; Specifically, his Crest. He's stubbornly, arrogantly trying to take the shot himself and not paying attention to the very real fact that his angle is too well-guarded.)

Yamato: What is he trying to do!? Koushiro: The other condition needed for evolution is for the Partner to be in danger. Sora: Taichi-san wouldn't....

He would. He does.

Etemon calls for a Mega Flame to finish Taichi's Greymon, but Taichi interrupts the shot by pelting Etemon's Greymon with a rock expertly flung straight into their eye.

Taichi: STOP!!! I'm not scared of you! Come and get me! Etemon: Trying to act tough, are we? Very well. We'll deal with you first, just like you wanted!

Sora and Yamato send Birdramon and Garurumon in there to keep Taichi from getting himself stupidly killed. But Taichi keeps screaming at Greymon to evolve until finally, his Crest reacts. In an eerie way.

An unpleasant green light emanates from Taichi's Digivice, unlike the typical white of evolution. And his Crest turns black as pitch before it releases its energy. Greymon ankoku shinka.

The evolution for ankoku shinka or "Dark Evolution" is completely unlike the typical evolution. The transformation sequence is corrupted with unpleasant colors and a dark cloud appearing in the sky. Black energy with orange spirals pour into Greymon, causing him to take this new shape without the usual spinny stock footage and cry of "SHINKAAAAAAA!!!"

Even Tai seems to realize he's screwed up here, as his initial excitement quickly fades into an expression of horror.

Sora: T-That's.... Yamato: What's going on here? Tentomon: It can't be. That's SkullGreymon! Sora: SkullGreymon!?

The narrator chimes in here to give the rundown. SkullGreymon is a Perfect-stage Virus-type Skeleton Digimon.

Narrator: SkullGreymon. His menacing appearance reduces many Digimon to a quaking heap. Naturally, he has immense destructive power. He is a Perfect-stage Digimon who attacks persistently in battle.

Here, the dub has everything it needs for a seamless diegetic rundown. Tentomon is present on-hand, recognizes this Digimon, and has people to talk to when delivering the rundown.

Sora: What in the world!? Matt: What do you think that is? Tentomon: Oh my, is that what I think it is? Sora: What do you call that thing!? Tentomon: SkullGreymon. The sight of him makes other Digimon tremble! He is a fully Digivolved Digimon whose explosive power causes him to constantly search for battle!

"Fully". It's cute that you think that, Tentomon. To be fair to him, Perfect was the final stage until Ultimate was added later down the line. But it was already there by the time the anime was made and dubbed.

But yeah, this is basically a perfect diegetic rundown. Good work.

Koushiro's immediately convinced that this is wrong.

Koushiro: Th-This is bad! It looks like something went wrong and he evolved into something unbelievable!

But it's too late now. SkullGreymon begins to act, swatting the enemy Greymon into the air and launching them into Etemon's monitor. Then he fires the missile from his back.

SkullGreymon's signature move Ground Zero flies from his back, slamming into the monitor and exploding. The blast erases both the monitor and the opposing Greymon.

(RIP Other Greymon. Etemon said they were part of his annual show so I sure hope that means they were like a bandmate of his and not some sort of gladiator slave or something. Because they're stone dead now.)

Taichi, meanwhile, stares up at his "Partner" in disbelief.

Taichi: SkullGreymon! Did you really evolve from Greymon!?

In the dub, Tai more bluntly yells:

Tai: Listen to me, SkullGreymon! If you're really the Digivolved form of Greymon then you can't hurt me!

SkullGreymon responds by trying to smash him, provoking Garurumon and Birdramon to leap to his defense. Tentomon evolves as well to join the defense.

Three Adult-stage Digimon against a battle-hungry Perfect. While their battle tears up the landscape and shreds the black cables littered around.

Etemon: WAUGH!!! The Network! My network is ruined!

Over in the dub, Etemon hilariously tries to play this for sympathy.

Etemon: Oh no, my poor network! They're destroyin' everything that I worked so hard to create!

XD Sure, my dude. You're the victim here.

Back at the fight, SkullGreymon's as savage as we were promised. Birdramon, Kabuterimon, and Garurumon converge attacks on him, but he doesn't even flinch. Swatting them away as easily as the giant Devimon did before, SkullGreymon flees the Coliseum and races out into the desert beyond.

There, the dark evolution energy from Taichi's mistake finally runs out. He finally regresses, not just to Agumon but all the way down to Koromon.

As the group reaches Koromon, Taichi scoops him up in his arms.

Taichi: Are you okay!? Koromon: Yeah... But it looks like I did something terrible to you guys... I couldn't stop myself! Piyomon: Don't worry about it. Gabumon: That's right. Tentomon: We completely understand. Koromon: I'm sorry I couldn't rise to your expectations. Yamato: No! It's not your fault, it's.... Taichi: I know. It's mine. Yamato: That's not what I meant. Taichi: That's okay. It's true. Isn't it, Sora? Sora: Yes-- I-I mean-- Taichi: I was rushing ahead without even realizing it. Because I had the Crest, I felt like I had to fight the battles on my own. I'm sorry, everyone. (to Koromon) I'm sorry. Narrator: Although the next evolution stage was reached, it proved to be a mistake. Will they ever learn to evolve the right way?

We close on this somber moment, reflecting on Taichi's mistake. Neither forgiveness nor condemnation offered to him. Only a lesson learned and a hope to do better in the future.

The dub plays this all straight, including the narrator's closing dialogue. Of course, per usual, that's done diegetically.

Tai: You were finally able to Digivolve but it was a huge mistake. I wonder if our Digimon will ever be able to Digivolve the right way? One thing's for sure, I learned my lesson.

However what blows my mind in this final scene is that Koromon's voice is wrong. They have Mimi's actress playing Koromon and it's extremely noticeable. A huge departure from the usual performer who's been playing Koromon as recently as one episode ago. I have no idea why that happened.

Assessment: Here, at last, we're introduced to branching evolution paths and very specifically the concept of dark evolution, a rare occurrence in Digimon media but always a big deal when it comes up. Try to avoid putting your Digimon through that, yeah?

The dub for this episode has a couple of flaws in it, but I'd describe it as almost perfect. Like 95% of the dub for this episode was seamless adaptation, with some of the dub particulars like the diegetic rundowns fitting in perfectly. My biggest complaint here is that they messed up Sora's soccer anecdote, but that's small potatoes compared to some of the other episodes out there.

[callsignbaphomet]

I said I was gonna talk about this so here I am, talking about it.

As of late I've been putting Angelus in a very different light. More confident, stronger (in every sense of the word), more outgoing and taking more charge and most notable not as depressive. If you've noticed (or not) since the beginning or better said the remaking of my blog I'd always tag Angelus in the most depressive posts I came across and anything depression related was instantly tagged under his tag. Any time I wrote him he was this ball of depression and anxiety but for a while now I've been changing it up especially in the AUs and they've been slowly bleeding into the Oracle version.

We're not gonna get into it here but that guy did not have an easy start to his life. He himself says his life started the second Jelani carried him out of that makeshift grave and with good reason. Lately though he's kind of changed, from being really meek and super quiet and unsure of himself to outgoing, loud and his depression has taken a backseat to the point where he even forgets it's a thing. Yeah, he has moments like with any life long illness but for the most part you can say he's beaten his demons down.

Like I said some time ago, this story I'm planning will have him meet a specific person that will add even more to his recovery. That person will actually help both him and Jelani with their internal turmoils (Angelus with being a Crossed Breed and Jelani with being the Arch-Maker).

I've never mentioned this but all werewolf breed names are kind of based on traits whether physical or something they've done.

Silver sights = their eyes glow silver and they have a bit of an ability to kind of hypnotize their prey for a few seconds (I never said any of it was clever ╮⁠(⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠)⁠╭)

Mist walkers = have a bit of a passive ability to "conjure" mist and fog as a way to blen in during the hunt.

Howling ghosts = their howls can momentarily cause their prey to freeze in fear.

Stalkers = their name comes from their ability to move almost completely silently and really fast.

And then there's the Crossed breed...it was meant as an insult. You cross a Howling Ghost with a Stalker and you get a breed that's crossed. A mutt. A mongrel. A cur. You get the idea. Not a nice name but it stuck and Angelus had to live with it. Aleksey tried to squash the use of that name but even someone as influential as he couldn't stop it. At some point Angelus stopped caring and kinda did the whole "reclaim it" deal but when people wanna be hateful they will absolutely try their hardest.

In the story (I can type again lol) this person, a nature goddess, who also holds the moniker of "Mother of werewolves" isn't exactly thrilled about the name so she herself names his breed, she'd spread her influence and make it stick. She's an interesting individual, I should talk about her sometime. I've been sitting on this for weeks because I wanted something fitting and that I liked. Eventually I settled on Moonborne. So as soon as I finish said story I'll be changing the info everywhere to match the canon events tied to it. Tbh I myself am gonna start using Moonborne from now on outside of stories before this specific story.

Meeting and talking to said individual will affect both Angelus and Jelani positively and would eventually help Angelus further, at this point he was already overcoming his depression but meeting her would help further. Not to take away credit from him, you know, he struggled and was beat down but ultimately he was the one that managed to get himself out of the shit.

Honestly I just think it was high time I evolved him past the "depressed kid of the group" and let him come out of his shell. It also works to help me as well. There's a teensy tiny detail about Angelus that I have only mentioned once but it's why he is so very important to me and why he was the very first OC I made. Both he and I have grown and changed a lot since his inception when I was 14 and I think he deserves better. Both of us are still wounded and we may have our lows but yeah, I think he deserves his highs more than his lows.

Don't get me wrong he's still a lil ball of rage, fury and anger but just not as depressed lol.

[vicsy]

are u okay vic? sending love xx

(hateful ppl only have hate in their sad lives and try to bring everyone else down to their depressing level, don’t listen them!!)

frankly, anon? no, i am not.

and if you think about it, it's incredibly stupid to be all torn up because of a fucking sport I watch for general enjoyment but what else is new? i got into f1 when life hit the absolute possible low for me and it helped me immensely through it all, still does, and i found so many friends and wonderful people and i started writing again. it's pure fucking escapism coming back to bite me in the ass.

it hasn't been great to be an f1 fan lately because of events I don't need to be recapping - it's all out there in its disgusting glory, all over social media every single day. we're just being reminded of how rotten the core of this sport is and how high of a role money and power play. it's not new but disappointing nevertheless, considering there isn't much we can do to try and fix that.

but the hate among us, the fans? it's getting out of hand.

i will never go out on my way to police anyone's behaviour (it is never justified) but clearly there is a line between haha jokes and pure fucking malice. there is having genuine, critical conversations you can have (recently had one with my close friend and it was so refreshing to talk instead of secretly talk shit) and using this sport as a yardstick to measure someone's morals. it's been happening more and more, considering recent comments made by drivers in regards to the ongoing case that deals with harassment. that opened a can of worms that made ALL of us unhappy and even more disappointed, in one way of another. there is expressing genuine opinion and then there is being a hater because it's a trend.

are all Charles fans insane? are all Daniel fans delusional misogynists? are all Lando fans insufferable pricks? are all Max fans outright racists? are all Lewis fans stuck up? I could go on and same sentiment goes for each team on the grid. can we rightfully define someone by who they are a fan of? are we all required to make a statement each time a driver says/does something mindnumbingly stupid in order to, god forbid, not get cancelled along with that driver? can we genuinely bring a driver up without shitting on the other or is it not mutually exclusive?

there has been a barrage of hate towards several drivers and i get it, i do, it's sports, we're always gonna get like this. it's the whole spirit of it. i am not saying we can't root for someone and talk shit about the other. but again, i am seeing the waves of hate getting bigger and bolder, assumptions being made on the spot. people openly calling each other stupid over being fans or having a different opinion. in some ways any sense of compassion and critical thinking is dead in a ditch.

it wasn't like this before, if i am honest, but i am also a rather new fan. i am seeing all sorts of stuff on my dash both from people i don't know and from people i do know. it's a knee jerk reaction, to go and judge someone by posts and stuff, i know it but i made myself not do that. but i am just afraid of this ongoing trend of hate. i really am.

it just seems like there is no margin for error. your fave can either be squeaky clean, completely unproblematic, or they should be shot on sight. it doesn't matter if any of us acknowledge it or not. for some reason, it's a "you are what you eat" situation. and i find it rather unfair. you can separate person and a driver. two things can be true at once etc etc. none of it warrants wishing actual harm on other people.

so yeah, sorry for a rant. i'll stop now and, for what it's worth, i have been trying to unlearn the ways of "people pleasing", so here are just my thoughts that i don't think many will agree with but i don't want to bend under whatever popular opinions circulate here (especially by "big blogs"). i'd rather have people talk to me personally and i am always open to having a conversation, making friends and discussing opinions. those at the head of f1 management don't seem to do better but us tearing each other apart can also mean that we aren't doing any better, too. at least i personally think so. don't take my word as a generalized opinion.

thank you for the message, anon, i appreciate it. sorry again to be Like That. big hug!

[manestjerne]

Let me save you pt. VI

Juice Ortiz x female

Word count: 6.7k

Warnings: blood, bad language, violence, mentions of sex(?), angst

A/N: Hi guys! Sorry for such a long break, I had this in my drafts for some time, but couldn't get myself to post it, but I'm back now and I'll try to be more consistent 🫶🏻

Walking to the kitchen alone in the morning was a really bad decision. The place was a complete mess and so many things I never wanted to see flashed before my eyes. Passing a few people I really wanted to stop and make sure they’re still alive, but gladly I just walked pass by the disgusting scene, making sure I won’t put my foot in anything on the floor, either people or weird, unrecognized substances. Too early to eat anything as always I just poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down by the kitchen table, praying no one walks in. I haven’t talked with anybody besides Juice about yesterdays situation and I wasn’t sure if they approved what I did. Gemma is probably proud. Looking at the shelves filled with instant food packages I realized I used to do much worse things. Yeah, but you were home. Your place. It’s not my place anymore, but it was back then. I don’t think I have my place now, but it’s definitely not here. Showing up at night looking like I was hit by a truck and then showing some attitude to a girl who’s from here was probably not the best option. Was it? I locked my eyes on a canned chicken soup and my stomach turned upside down. That’s disgusting. 

- Hey - I flinched when Bobby pulled me out of my thoughts 

- You’re up early.

It’s not early, but looking at how many people were still passed out it was surprising to see someone alive.

- Decided to give my liver a rest yesterday - he replied calmly pouring himself a cup of fresh coffee and sitting next to me - What about you? 

- My liver deserved a rest years ago, I’m too old for that kind of parties - I said jokingly to keep the conversation as far from the shattered glasses as I could 

- I don’t know how he did that, but Chibs told us you’re not letting things like that slide easily. 

Shit, my brilliant plan didn’t work.

- Look, I don’t want to sound like a toddler, but she started. I’m not here to cause any drama.

- Actually - he looked down trying to hide his smile - I’m sure some people there were glad somebody finally did that. 

- What do you mean? - he tried to lock his eyes with mine but I kept looking at the chicken soup in the corner 

- See, Ima is the CaraCara girl.  Not many are fond of her, but she’s making good money with Layla, and there’s actually no reason to get rid of her, a pornstar being annoying and slutty is not that much of a deal when you think about it. I work at the studio as an accountant so I spend quite a lot of time with the girls, maybe I don’t know them that well, but you know…

- Deep inside she’s just a lost, lovely girl? - I asked with a little sarcasm when I saw him struggling to finish the sentence, but he bursted out laughing 

- No, she’s really just an annoying slut, I don’t know where I was going there.

I finally left the soup and looked at him laughing, felt a smile forming on my face.

- Just don’t blame yourself, you sat here looking like you had a moral hangover.

- I don’t actually blame myself, but feels like I needed someone else to say that, thanks Bobby.

He replied with a warm smile. 

- I should go and finish the party for good now, see you later.

I sat there for a minute after he left. It’s kinda sad people approach me when I’m just sitting alone, my resting face must be extremely depressed. I slowly got up from the chair and dragged my feet back to the bedroom. When I walked into the room Juice just got out of the bathroom. I looked at the single cup of coffee in my hand. Lovely. 

- And that’s… for you - I smiled and handed him the cup which he accepted with his hand still wet from the shower

- Oh wow, so lovely, you went there just to get me a coffee and didn’t even think about yourself? - he took a sip and handed me the cup back with a smile 

- I’m sorry, I don’t know why I did that. 

He would bring me a coffee. 

- Who were you talking to? - he asked calmly but I felt shivers anyway

- No one. 

Why would I lie? What’s the point? He turned back to me and laughed politely to ensure me he’s not mad, but curious. 

- You were sitting there for so long alone? Come on, I just want to know if you’re getting along with anybody - he still smiled softly putting on  his shirt 

- Oh, excuse me? - I laughed forgetting about how uncomfortable I just was - I was talking with Bobby, but just so you know, I get along with a lot of people here. Like Lyla, she’s great. And Chibs. And Tig. Oh, and Opie, yeah, Opie’s cool. And… And Chucky! 

- Okay, alright - he wrapped his arms around me to stop me from thinking of more names - I’m glad you’re feeling good here. 

- Yeah, about feeling good, it’s great here, but can we go home? 

- Sure - he said not letting me go

- I believe you have to let me go so I can grab my stuff and get in the car. 

- Oh Christ, sorry I was even touching you princess. Want me to carry you so your shoes don’t get too dirty? - he responded handing me my bag 

How is he smiling all the time? That’s probably the thing I love about him the most, but that’s also something to think about. On our way to the car we stopped at the bar. Bobby sitting on the stool with his face hidden in his hands was looking pretty pathetic. But not so pathetic as all the people still lying in different, sometimes weird places. 

- How was your finishing the party? - I asked putting my hand on his shoulder, he patted it lightly 

- Just as you can see. You know what? - he looked at our bags - I’m going home too, Clay should handle this, I’m not responsible for other charters, am I? 

- You should go - Juice said firmly, exactly as he needed, Bobby immediately got up and walked us to the car 

- I believe todays vote will be postponed for tomorrow - he said before Juice sat behind the wheel - use your day off well.

Looking at me he smiled once again and next seconds Juice was starting the engine. 

- Gross - I said jokingly 

- What do you mean? 

- That thing about your “day off”. Use it well. On me? Come on. 

- That’s not what he meant - he sounded serious, but a smile was still fully visible on his face 

- Then what did he mean? 

- He definitely meant my bike, I should work on it - he now laughed out loud - by the way, you saw it? 

I moved my head and looked out through the window. 

- Saw what? 

- My bike. 

- Yeah, I see it pretty much everyday, it’s hard to not see it when you live with a biker. It’s nice, even lovely I’d say. 

- I don’t mean that one. 

I kept looking through the window acting like I don’t know about the other one hidden in the garage. He shouldn’t be mad, I definitely didn’t break anything, but maybe he doesn’t know I’ve touched it, why should I tell him myself? 

- You have more than one bike? That’s so cool - I smiled to myself and felt him staring at the back of my head 

- Y/n, you know I won’t be mad. 

- Mad? About what? - I realized he can see my face in the reflection on the glass so I immediately stopped smiling and looked at him. 

- Just wanted to tell that you did well - he smiled at my reaction - must’ve taken you a few hours, huh? 

- I’m sorry, but it’s pretty boring to be alone and not at home, I was looking for anything to do. And when did you even have time to see that I’ve touched it? I left all the tools exactly where they were before, you have like a dairy or what? - I laughed and realized we were pulling into the driveway 

- Sometimes when I can’t sleep and think too much I go there trying to relax, so you don’t know I did that probably because you were sleeping. 

- You know - I stopped because he rushed to open the door for me right after he parked - you know you can talk to me? I’m probably better at that stuff than your secret bike. 

- I’m not schizophrenic or anything, I do all the talking in my head so it won’t be weird. 

I just gave him a meaningful look and followed him inside. 

- I’m worried about tomorrow - I said after settling on the couch 

- What’s tomorrow? Your first day at work? - my blank stare must’ve said everything because he continued without my answer - Why? You did all that nursing stuff before, didn’t you? 

- No, I’ve actually never done that, that’s why they hired me. What’s wrong with you today? - I took a sip of  my tea waiting for his response wondering if I’m not too harsh, but he laughed as softly as always 

- I think I’m just tired. 

- Tired of bitches hitting up on you all night? 

- Alright, from what I can remember there was only one bitch hitting up on me yesterday. 

- And I really hope you mean Ima - I laughed 

I was pretty shocked I got over it so fast and didn’t overthink what happened last night. 

- Well, you definitely don’t need to beg me for attention so I definitely didn’t mean you. 

Is this about the “I love you” thing? I really don’t want to talk about this now. 

- Good to hear that - I smiled and run to another topic immediately - so do we have a free evening today or you want to go check in at the club? 

- Remember what Bobby said? - he asked playfully 

- Oh come on, I’m serious now.

- Yeah, me too. How about a movie night? 

- How about a walk? 

Looking at his face I could see my question put him off guard. 

- What? - I laughed at the silence 

- Where do you want to go? - his tone became more firm and calm

- I don’t know, aren’t there any parks here? - I laughed and grabbed his thigh gently - Juice, if you don’t want to we don’t have to do that, I just asked. But I’d still like to know what’s so terrible about walks. 

I tried to stop smiling but the fact that he looked terrified by the idea of taking a walk was pretty hilarious. 

- No, I’m sorry, of course we can go for a walk, it’s just that I prefer spending my free time at home - he smoothed out the pillow not even looking at me

- Are you really afraid something might happen? - I asked moving other pillows out of his reach when he tried to grab another one 

- l just, you know - I don’t, keep talking - well, many people know me here - he finally got the courage to look at me and his sad puppy eyes literally made me want to cry 

- I’m sorry, but what’s wrong with people knowing who you are? - I truly didn’t understand what he meant and asking was the best option since I wasn’t scared of being embarrassed anymore 

- I’m sorry, I just want you to be safe and I know that there are only two places I can be sure about you not getting hurt, here and at the clubhouse. I know it sounds out of line, but some people want to hurt us and they know their best ways to do that. 

-So the best way to hurt you would be hurting me, huh? - I tried to comfort him and did the literal opposite, but still got a little smile from him 

-I know how it sounds, really. Especially when I told you I’m just a member of a club, but- 

-Yeah, I know it’s not just a club, I’m not that stupid - this time comforting him went a little better and he finally took his hand off the perfectly flattened pillow to grab my hand 

-You’re really important to me, and however unrealistic this sounds, I need to protect you at all costs right now. It’s not always going to be like that, but we got ourselves into some trouble lately. 

-Is it about the drugs? The club trying to leave is just not going as Jax planned? 

Maybe I shouldn’t say that, but on the other hand it might help him to open and talk to me. I already knew more than he thought, why wouldn’t he just talk to me about it now? The silence between us was pretty loud and his concerned face made me want to laugh, but I tried to keep a straight face to show him I’m serious. 

-What do you mean „the drugs”? 

-Oh come on, you really want to play that game? - his question annoyed me a little, even tho I did the same thing all the time 

-How do you even know about that? - he wasn’t angry, more stressed and worried, his hands landing on the pillow again 

-Okay, are you going to answer my question or we don’t have anything to talk about? 

-Yes, it’s about drugs. Leaving the business isn’t as easy as we thought, and Clay is not cooperating with Jax. Except this whole shit with drugs we have a lot going on inside our charter. It looks like nothing is going to be  better unless these two work their shit out, and I don’t think it’s going to happen anytime soon - he opened even a little more than I expected, but I was so glad he finally did that - that’s why I’m worried about you and about what might happen.

-Thank you for being honest with me, I really appreciate that - I gently took the pillow from him and replaced it with my hands - I know you can’t talk a lot about the club stuff, but you can still talk about your feelings, that’s not pathetic, I cried in front of you so many times, come on.

I tried to lighten him up and believed it worked, since he gave me a bright smile. 

-Okay, I’ll try, but for now is it enough? - he chuckled 

-Well, I accept that, but I’ll demand more honesty in the future if you want to spend it with me. 

I looked down, his hands, always steady, now shaking a little, not matching his cheerful smile. His eyes dark, I could even say full of joy. Hiding his emotions started getting harder, or maybe I was better at reading it. 

-You have no idea how much I want that - he smiled so adorably I almost fell for it, but another look at his hands worried me again 

Using how close we were to each other I sat on his laps and let him hide his face in my neck. His hands immediately started wandering around my back and when they found the spot he pulled me closer. I tried to sink in the moment, when he suddenly threw me off his knees, my back landing on the soft couch I was trapped by his body. It was so gentle, yet so fast that I froze under him. 

-The fuck was that? - I asked completely confused 

-I just wanted to see your reaction, but that little scream was so cute - wide smile wasn’t leaving his face, he looked amused by my consternation - are you ticklish? 

-Juan, don’t try that, get off me - I said firmly trying not to laugh

-I promise I’ll start talking about my feelings, I just need some time - he said not moving 

-Okay, okay, I trust you but let me go - I was now laughing with him 

He slowly got up letting me do the same thing. I got closer to his face, putting my hands around his neck and just looked him in the eyes. Juice immediately shortened the distance by kissing me, licking my lip I opened my mouth to let him in when the doorbell interrupted us. He slowly pulled back and rested his forehead on mine and I just started laughing. Like a damn movie. 

-Stay here - he got up and dragged his feet towards the door unlocking it slowly 

-Hey Juicy - I heard Chibs so I made my way to the door, not wanting him to take my boyfriend away from me again 

My who? 

-Hi Chibs, perfect timing, what’s up? 

-The vote’s tomorrow at 6 - he smiled softly to greet me 

-And that’s why you came all the way here? - I asked amused by Juice’s reaction 

-Well, maybe if he’d pick up his damn phone I wouldn’t have to do that - he stepped through the door and closed it - that vote might take a little longer, I talked to the guys from north and they are not giving up so easily, just so you know - he gave Juice a serious look - am I interrupting you? 

-No, we were just going to my old place to get some stuff, since you have so much free time you can come with us to help - I smiled at him and then saw Juice’s face - we talked about it yesterday… 

-Oh yeah, we did, I’m sorry - he brightened up immediately 

-Actually I don’t have anything better to do, you want me to call Tig? 

-That would be nice - I said before Juice even opened his mouth - Juice, you have any empty boxes in your garage? 

-Yeah, there are some. 

-So I’ll call Tiggy and you kids go find some boxes so we can go - Chibs smiled at us once again and went through the door 

-Juice - I said with a straight face - did you mute your phone to „use your time well” with me? - I tried not to smile 

-Of course not - he laughed and started walking towards the garage - I must’ve did that by accident.

-You’re a bad liar, really. 

-I think that’s good - he pinned me to the wall and kissed me softly - will we finish that later? 

-Oh god, stop - I laughed and walked under his hand to free myself - let’s get the boxes, how many do you have? 

-And how many do you want? You have much stuff there? - he started going through the empty boxes and throwing the bigger ones in my direction 

-Well, should I get all of it? Will you get me a place when I can store them? - I asked while folding the boxes and putting them aside 

-Can’t you just unpack here? Why would you keep your things in the boxes? 

I kept my eyes on the flatted pile I just made. 

-You want me to stay here for good? I know you for like a month, I can’t just move in. 

-So you’re just living here temporarily, huh? - he also wasn’t looking at me but I saw him smiling 

-Well, if that’s what you mean then I can tell you I was looking for some houses for sale here. 

He threw a last one at me and came closer. 

-I mean that I want you to feel like at home here. You don’t have to move out, I have plenty of free space, there’s even a free bedroom upstairs if you don’t want to share the bed anymore. 

-Don’t you think it’s a little bit early to live together? We’re not even a couple or anything - I tried not to look at him but he made it impossible

-Aren’t we? - he took the boxes I just folded and went outside - I want you to stay here - he yelled while putting them in the trunk 

-Tig will wait at the clubhouse for us, I believe you want to switch the car for a bigger one if we’re taking all of your shit here - Chibs said when I met them at the driveway 

-Yeah, sure - I sat on the passenger sit and waited for Juice to join me 

We drove to Lodi in silence, but I saw him looking at me from time to time, smile not leaving his face. I was really happy about what he said, but didn’t want to show him that i really care about that. Acting casual wasn’t my best skill, but I both didn’t want to scare him or just ruin what we already had, so I chose to ignore my feelings for now. When we pulled up Juice parked the truck right in front of the door and guys left their bikes a little closer to the street. When we entered the building my hands were empty, nobody let me carry anything so I just led them upstairs and unlocked the door. 

-So there’s no elevator here, huh? - Tig asked when i was fighting with my shaky hands to put the key in 

-Yeah, you’ll have to carry all the boxes alone, or you can let me help you - I said opening the door and letting them in 

-You’re not carrying anything, just focus on the packing - Chibs said letting me go in front of him - stop whining Tiggy. 

But I wasn’t listening to him, what I saw made me freeze where I was standing. Should’ve cleaned that up before leaving. Blood drops on the floor, marking the paths where I was walking before I cleaned myself up. Bloody tissues on the table and now also on the floor, bathroom sink still covered in blood, perfectly visible since I left the door open. 

-That’s quite a lot of blood for such a small person - Tig said and put the boxes down - but we’ve seen worse, don’t worry, where should we start? 

We’ve seen worse? That’s it? Wow. 

-You can get all the stuff from here and the kitchen, I’ll go get the bathroom and bedroom - I said and quietly left with a few boxes in my hands 

I never liked packing, but today it was different. I never wanted to see that apartment again, it was so nice and I loved it with all my heart, but now it was hard to feel safe here. Glad that nobody interrupted me I just focused on packing when I heard someone knocking on the door. I went to check what’s going on, but seeing the three of them froze, just staring at the door made me laugh. 

-Are we expecting any guests? - Chibs asked when I entered the room 

-Why don’t you just check who that is? - I said a little bit more annoyed than I meant to

I walked toward the door and saw all of them reaching their belts, pretty sure what they had there. 

-That’s fucking pathetic - I said looking at their reaction and slowly opened the door 

-I thought you’re not going to open, like you’re mad that I just left you, oh wait, you can’t be mad, because you’re the one who left me - Nat laughed and walked pass me not waiting for an invitation to come inside - oh hello gentleman - she put her bag on the table

-Guys, that’s Nat, Nat this is Tig and Chibs, I think you remember Juice - I smiled looking at their reaction 

-Of course I remember, hi everyone - she started going through her bag looking for something 

-Tig, don’t even try - I said when I saw him walking her way - you’re all being rude right now - I laughed when they just kept looking at her not saying anything and got a quiet “hi Nat” from all three as a response 

-But she’s not going to kill us, right? - Chibs joked looking around at the bloody mess - she’s not the one I guess? 

-Sadly I left all my white weapons at home, so you have advantage over me - she moved her head up and looked at his belt - oh I found it, you’re going for a smoke? - she put her lighter in the pocket and looked at me 

-Sure - I responded quickly and followed her to the balcony - how did you even know I’m here? You’re stalking me or what? - I laughed as soon as the door closed behind us 

-I was just walking by and saw two bikes in front of the building, who else could it be? - she sat on the bench and kept looking at me with her weird, cute smile 

-Why are you looking at me like that? - I laughed - it’s been a week, not like I’ve abandoned you or anything 

-Are you okay? I’m sorry, but your explanations over texts weren’t really convincing - she patted the spot besides her 

-I had some mess to clean up lately - I said sitting down 

-Yeah, pretty cute mess - she looked through the window at guys packing my stuff - you live with them? 

-They don’t live together - I laughed loudly at her question - I’m staying at Juice’s for now, I’m not sure what to do next. 

-He rescued you and let you move in after knowing you for a month? What a hero - I knew it was not fully sarcastic, even tho she tried to sound like it - he loves you or what? 

-He actually told me he does - I responded not looking at her 

-Are you shitting me right now? You love him too? Girl what happened to your independent, 'I don’t need any man', lifestyle. I thought you’re just going to fuck him - she shook her head in fake disbelief trying not to laugh 

-I actually don’t know, I didn’t say anything. 

-Okay, you really have to be kidding me - she laughed now 

-Oh shut up, do you want to help me pack since you’re here? 

About an hour later a stack of heavy boxes filled with all my stuff was standing near the door. Tig and Chibs went to the bus to pack the first ones and I sat on the couch to clear things out with Nat. 

-You’re not mad at me, are you? - I asked watching as Juice went to the kitchen and leaned back on the counter 

-Why would I be? - she laughed - because you left me in this shitty town with my shitty job? Come on y/n, I always cheered you up, I’m really glad you got the job you wanted so bad. 

-The job is one thing,  it I still moved away not even telling you straight away, I feel kinda bad about it - and what I said was honest, I knew it was my life and I was the only person who should decide about it, but the demons from my past or whatever we’re still chasing me and I felt like I needed permission for everything 

-Sweetheart - she looked at me with her lovely eyes, and leaned in to make sure I can hear every word she says - are you fucking kidding me? It’s your life and you have to be god damn happy, don’t worry about other people so much, we’ve already been there and I thought you understood it’s a bad idea.

We both laughed and I picked my bag from the floor when the guys came back upstairs. 

-Okay, let’s go - I grabbed a box and headed to the door 

-I don’t think so - Chibs took it from me and placed it back down on the floor - ten minutes and everything should be handled, you should spare your wrists.

Nat joined me and watched all the of them carrying the boxes downstairs.

-What’s your schedule next weekend? - I asked when they disappeared behind the last wall

-Not sure yet, why? Want me to come visit your big town? - she laughed and threw her bag over her shoulder 

-Yeah, you should come by, I’ll probably be alone for a while - she smiled at me and slowly walked through the door

-We’ll keep in touch - she blowed me a kiss - bye, love ya.

-When are you planning to start unpacking? - Juice was leaning on the kitchen counter and looking at the boxes besides the door

I walked up to the fridge and got myself a beer.

-Are they bothering you so much? - I stood next to him looking in the same direction 

-I mean, not really, just wondering - he took a sip from his bottle 

-Oh, you’re such a pedant - I smiled at him - I wanted to at least start today, but I don’t think I have enough energy for that, I’m sorry. This work thing is kind of stressing me out, like it’s my first day ever. I just want it to be over, then I’ll take care of other stuff, is that okay?

-Of course it’s okay - he looked at me as softly as always, I wondered what would I have to do to make him mad - I’ll help you whenever you’re ready.

I didn’t have a chance to answer, because his phone drown my quiet „thanks” out. After his short answers I could immediately recognize it was a call from the club. What else could it be? I was expecting that.

-I need you to come with me - he said firmly while putting his cell back in the pocket 

-I can stay alone Juice, we’ve talked about it. I’ll be fine. 

-No - he looked serious and worried at the same time - They need you at the clubhouse.

I wasn’t expecting that.

-Why? What happened? - I asked when he nervously started looking for the car keys

-Couldn’t tell me on the phone - he answered calmly, still not looking at me - so probably there’s someone to patch up.

-Okay - I said without hesitation and he finally looked at me

-You don’t have to get involved in the club shit, that’s my shit and I can get you out of it if you want. Just this one time if there really isn’t anyone else to help, we’ll figure this out, okay?

-Juice - now I was smiling softly - I’m fine with that, really. Our shit now.

We hurried through the door and it was surprisingly quiet inside, but everyone got up from their seats when we walked through the door. 

-Kozik got hit, Tara’s out of town and we need someone to take care of him. Her bag is already there, just come with me - Jax grabbed my arm and pulled me slightly so | would follow him

I entered the chapel and heard multiple footsteps following me, but I couldn’t focus on that. A blonde man was laying on the massive wooden table. His bare chest was covered in blood, a hole in his upper arm made it pretty clear that he was shot. I froze, not at the fact that a man with probably a bullet in his body was casually laying on the table, a prospect next to him trying to stop the bleeding, but because I was the one to help him. I haven’t done anything like that in some time, had no idea where to start I started panicking quietly. 

-Tell us how to help - Chips nudged me softly but firmly 

-Did it went through? - I asked filled with fake hope 

-Did it what? - the prospect holding a soaked cloth looked at me like I was a ghost 

-How many holes are there? - I smiled sarcastically - Is the bullet still inside or did it went through? Let me see. 

Chibs helped raising Kozik’s arm up and of course the bullet was still inside 

-I’m not a damn neuro or ortho to deal with such stuff smoothly - I said looking through Tara’s bag and trying to focus.

-You don’t have to get him perfectly fine, we can cut that arm off if you’ll say that’s the best option.

-Shut up Tig, that’s not funny anymore - said Jax

I looked up and saw him sitting on a chair in the corner of the room, sipping on his beer like nothing was happening.

I came back to the table and took a closer look at the wound. 

-It’s not deep, you have to hold him still and I’ll take the bullet out - I wasn’t sure how to do that, I had to deal with worse things in the past, but every memory of it just vanished at instant - I’ll count to three.

The faster the better. I saw a bloody mess before digging my fingers into the hole. It was gross even through the gloves, I thought I can feel my legs shaking. Trying not to make more damage I wanted to focus but the screams made it impossible and I couldn’t find the right angle to take a grip on the bullet. 

-Shut him the fuck up - I said calmly concentrating on where my fingers were going and suddenly I looked at my hand, hovered in blood, holding a shiny piece of metal

Glad that the worst part was already over I started to put stitches on, kinda surprised the bleeding almost stopped. 

-I don’t think any arteries were damaged, he should be fine soon - I said to Jax who was sitting on a stool next to mine 

-I really appreciate you came to help us, thank you - he said sadly, eyes locked on the countertop in front of him

-You’ve helped me enough, that’s the least I can do. If you ever need me again, don’t hesitate, I’ll gladly do it again - I said knowing it was bullshit, but he smiled slightly - I really have to go now, but I can check in tomorrow after work if you want me to. 

-That would be great, thank you - he said and I left to find Juice - Are you coming with me? - I said when our eyes met 

-Of course, let’s go -  his eyes not as bright as always, smile almost fully fainted and I instantly knew he was just disappointed with me

Tara would’ve done it better, of course, but she’s not here. I’m not even a doctor, and he’s alive so overall I didn’t do such a bad job. I rested my head on the cold window as I sat down in the passengers seat. The sky was beautifully clear, you could count all the stars, a perfect night for a walk, but surely I should forget about that. I closed my eyes and waited for the car to stop so I could just go to bed and burry myself under the covers. When we pulled up I took my purse from the back seat and grabbed the door handle, but Juice was faster as always. He opened the door for me and gave me his gentle hand along with a polite smile. I rushed ahead of him and quickly changed into my pajamas before crawling into bed, but it wasn’t long before he joined me, putting his hand on m hip and kissing my shoulder. We laid in silence for what felt like hours and I couldnt get myself to sleep, move or even talk. I was completely frozen wandering what he was thinking about.

-I’m sorry - was all I mumbled after getting enough courage to open my mouth

-You’re not asleep? - he stopped rubbing my arm and sounded pretty shocked 

-I really am, I know I should’ve done better, but I was just scared. I don’t know why, it’s not the circumstances, I just felt like I never did that before and it is fucking scary looking at the fact that im supposed to do such stuff everyday starting tomorrow. I think I’ve lost my damn spark, or whatever it was, I should just stayed behind the bar and do what I was good at. I don’t want that job anymore, I don’t want to do that and I’m scarred I’ll fuck someone's life soon, that’s clearly not for me. 

He didn’t interrupt my monologue, just grabbed my shoulder and rolled me over so that I was facing him. Is he really fucking smiling right now?

-I know it sounds pathetic and I don’t just feel sorry for myself, I think I-

He interrupted me this time with a soft chuckle followed by a clearly sad face.

-I should apologize to you, I promised to keep my life away from you, but I didn’t really have a choice there. But you did great y/n, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

-My hands were shaking - I said seriously 

-Have you ever taken a bullet out of a stranger’s arm? In a motorcycle clubhouse? Surrounded by a dozen of other bikers? - he smiled, but I knew it wasn’t honest

-No, but that’s not the point Juice - I heard my voice trembling, not aware of being at the edge of crying

-Oh don’t do that to me, I hate when you cry, especially when it's because of me, I promised not to do that anymore, remember? - his smile seemed more confident now and I almost fell for it 

-It’s not because of you, I don’t want to do that anymore.

-Then don’t - he said calmly looking me in the eyes

-What do you mean, „don’t”?

-Well, just don’t work, be a house wife and let me support you - he got a quiet laugh from me

-I’m sorry I’m such a whiner sometimes.

-I’m sorry I got you into that - he looked at the clock - you should go to sleep now, it’s late.

I didn’t want to know what time it is and I was glad he stayed quiet, knowing how little sleep I’ll get before my first day wasn’t a good idea. I snuggled into his chest feeling relaxed and safe, as I should’ve from the beginning. Next time just talk to him, burying your emotions won’t help.

-Thank you, goodnight.

-Goodnight, I love you. 

[marinazone]

What's been bugging my brain recently

Boy oh boy where do I start. Well I suppose I'll start with a little bit of context. Hi! My name is Hunter (if you never knew my real moniker, not many do even if i tell them); and I have been in a disastrous...what could only be described as love illness, since February 28th. Before i explain why (if you dont already know) allow me to provide my full experience with love. When i was in 12th grade i was used as rebound for a girl named Nicole after her boyfriend had broken up with her. It was the first time i had ever gotten to feel love, the expectations of what i should expect were to be established from then forward. We talked a lot asked eachother how we were doing shared similar interests that kinda shit. It was cool, the sex was lukewarm at best but it felt nice to feel appreciated. Thats when her emotional manipulation began. She would be in low points that i attributed to depression. I always told her "go get help for your depression, itll only get worse" all of which she militantly ignored to the point where she told me she was being physically abused by her family. Naturally, stupid me, believed her and grew more and more attached and protective and i didnt find out til after we split up that she was full of horse shit. It was during this point that she would take opportunities when she was "moody" to punch me across the face. Why did i take that shit? I dont know! I guess i was too fucking scared to lose someone i was attached too. Two years passed and i realize she started to ditch me to hang with some dude named Paul and was cheating on me for months. I finally asked firmly if she was and she admitted it, playing sap. I was devestate for about three months afterward. I had planned to kill myself numerous times but always remembered how much my friends would miss me. It was during this time around 2013 that i took up a habit of walking a mile to a nearby bridge on a "private walk" over an artificial lake to just gaze into and get lost in what seemed like infinite thought. I eventually got over her, but only after deleting all contact with her.

Second is someone online i will just call Saber. A very basic ass relationship. No emotional fulfillment for me and only sexting. He was a bit different in abuse in that it was more a financial abuse than anything else. He relied on me to pay for his ffxiv game and subscription and shit cause he didnt live in NA and i didnt see a cent back. The separation was far more a fade then burning out. We just stopped talking and i stopped giving once i realized i was being used

And the third ex is actually criminally dangerous so i will avoid any details at all about them! Just know theyre in jail still i think and they dont know my address

So we arrive more recently, I dont want to use exact names as im still in contact with them and are (presumably) friends and i do not wish to expose information given in confidence. I will just be using first initials as follow: A, B, T, and W.

So it began with a message I'd received from B (all this was when i was freyacrescentshangover on here). He messaged me because we were into the same shit and asked if i wanted to rp. I figured sure! Why not! Well he was pretty chill and nice and i would eventually tell him i had a crush on him. He said "its cool we have similar fetishes but lets just stay friends for now ok?"

It didnt upset me to much. Then W entered my life and boy is she a treat (not sarcastic, mostly). She contacted me for much the same reason. We were into similar shit. We'd spend a lot of time back and forthing this stuff and getting to know eachother and then i finally told her i had a crush on her and her answer is something to keep in mind for later. She didnt say yes, but she didnt say no. She told me things such as ne being cute and how she enjoyed how we had similar kinks and said she'd be down to be more flirty sometimes. I had no fucking idea what this meant (No offense W) so I was more just in a state of confusion where our relationship was. As for why i admired her? She was passionate. Her interests were so emblazoned on her soul that is was visceral just being in a conversation (still is to an extent). Yet she's also so cool and mysterious. It felt like she was someone i had to learn about, someone that i could listen to their passions for hours in complete awe and admiration. Thats still what i admire about her to this day i suppose, but ill get onto that more in a bit.

This was also around the same time i had developed a crush on A. A is super cool and chill even to this day. Never afraid to be herself or says what she feels and that is truely admirable. She'd contacted me because, once again, we were into similar fetishes. We did the old exchange weird stuff and talk until i noticed she, by complete fucking cosmic coincidence, lived in the same town as me. You guessed it! Got a crush on her. This rejection breaks the mold a bit though in that she reciprocated the feelings but felt she was in to many relationships and couldnt provide me the emotional support i needed. Didnt bother me too much.

Well, that is until a couple months later A and her wife formed triad with W. It felt so.....bad if im being honest. I feel guilty to say it and i am really happy for them still! But there's always been a part of me since then that sorta felt......jealous? Short changed? I dont know, its hard to find a word for it. Its like when you taste something super fucking sour but you like expected it to be sweet. My self worth sorta plummeted from it all. Like i just wasnt enough for them..

Cut to later and i met T. Shes super sweet and funny and boy i got a crush on her too! She got into contact with me because......you guessed it! Similar fetishes! It feels like im just gifted with a power that lets people confide their weird fetishes with me. When i told her she told me essentially "Same fetishes dont like you that way".

Now we cut from 3 years ago to a month ago. I get feelings spurring up again for T and W (Probably A too but after how this goes I dont wanna be crushed ever again). I tell T first i have a crush on her. She says something similar to before but elaborates that romantic feelings are very hard for her to obtain. Then I tell W again. She says "We have similar fetishes and thats cool but i dont like you that way". For some fucking reason, this was an emotionally devastating breaking point for me and im not sure why. i got over T in like two days. W on the other hand? Were a month strong in and I still cant stop being depressed about it all. What happened here? What went different here? Was it because of the awkward response id receive years ago? Was it the jealousy-like feelings i still harbored? Is it just because i wanted to hear more about her and her interests and passions hidden under that cool (and sexy) exterior like i had before? I dont know. Probably never will. Likely a combination of all those though.

So here I am, on this weird precipice of loneliness, ready to die any second because my self worth doesnt seem to improve no matter what I do (and ive been doing a ton lately). Will I be able to work up the courage to take another final shot at A? Probably not, my body can't take another hit like that. Atleast not so soon. Will I ever get over W? Im not sure. The last time i felt this bad was with Nicole and I had to cut all contact with her to feel better, but the thought of doing that with W makes me even more sick. Maybe I'm just SOL and my emotional and mental stability doomsday clock is finally reaching midnight (sure hope not! I have Marinas to bully!).

Apart from all this, with how spurred i feel and such. I find it harder and harder to get out of bed every day. To do the things i like keeping myself healthy. Eating. Showering. To live. And yet I move.

[imzsuzsis-blog]

I hated myself all weekend. Even if I started from pole and the team praised me for it and I got a nice ring.

"I want to die here and now."

Sobbing, I looked at them and poured the champagne over to them.

"I'm serious. I fucked this up!!! get out of my life!!!"

"Lando, don't say that... It'll be better next time, believe me."

"It wasn't me jokingly saying I'm tired of the shit, that there's always someone faster than me. I hate the whole crap so I'll leave it here until next year."

"What will you become an actor instead?"

They started laughing at this and I brought the triple board to them with tears in my face.

“ My past is not funny!!!!! I was a child actor fuckers!!! I didn't do the whole thing for my own good, and it wasn't even my hobby, but it was my job to show my dad that I was independent..."

I took off my shoes and threw them among them, then I hurt them too, beating them wherever I could.

"Lando!!!! Stop now!!!”

“No, Oscar is a piece of shit!!!!"

I turned around and I also fucked Oscar so hard that his nose started to bleed.

I watched with full eyes. Lando announced the following: he was wearing make-up and his competition was shit. That's almost why I kicked his ass. This is bullshit. Ever since he turned the girls in, he's either a raging bull or constantly crying about it. His heart was racing, but his father intervened again. Again, he refuses to talk to each other about the matter, he thinks he's a dick for it.

"I've heard everything, Lando."

"Shut up Max! Shall I go for you tonight as well as for the team? dick." "You went for your team????"

"Yes, and?" You bastard.”

He turned around and kicked a pumpkin.

"What was that from you???"

"Don't have anything to do with it!!! I'm going to kill myself!!!! I wanted to be a parent and you didn't give me a boy/girl!!!! The one who just gives his daughters to strangers because his father is like that!!!"

Leaning against the wall, he turned his head and began to beat it with tearful eyes. Then he slowly lowered himself, stretched out one leg, held the other in front of him and buried his face in it and started crying again.

"You need a Psychologist, but urgently, my friend, or you really need a Psychiatrist... Clearly, like a depressed person, I say to the Gods of Mclaren and Gamer, Lando."

I sat down next to him, he buried him head in my shoulder and was still caressing him belly because he thought he was pregnant, even though the little ones were already out.

They said that we will get a bigger helicopter on the way home, and there will be a couple of us on it, but Lando is still angry with me and the team, I will be curious how much we will talk there. When we got out of the car, he came straight at me several times and pushed me away, so I ended up on the ground most of the time because of him. Before we got in, Nico took his palm off me and started to choke me, finally he kicked me on the knee in the waiting room and tore my hair and started slapping me, and Alex stopped him from getting rude.

"Lando, this hurts. Especially when you wanted to strangle me. Stop being so Autistic..."

"Am I autistic? Don't make me laugh anymore! Bullshit.”

"It's either ASD or the whole field already knows!!! Your mother told me, you bastard Lando... It's not a disease..."

He came to me and laid me on the ground and started hitting me wherever he could.

"Stop!!! Or call security, dude!!!”

"NO, I WILL STOP UNTIL I BEAT OSCAR AND WIN ANOTHER RACE AND BECOME WORLD CHAMPION!!!!!"

"Is this some kind of mania??? Fuck me???”

"Don't you fuck, or should I slap you in the face?"

"You don't have to and don't talk like that if I could ask you to."

"Who cares if that bastard Max Verstappen is driving and not me in this fucking championship."

He turned around and started grimacing sadly and he leaned against the wall, he got a bite, he started arguing with Loki on the phone, we didn't understand a word except when the date was and the idiot father's words, the rest didn't work for us.

[crimson-calligraphyx]

6: Burning Out

A/N: This chapter hints at alcoholism and depression. This is not factual about Noah.

Noah

It had been a few days since karaoke with the group, and I couldn't keep my mind off the way Liv smiled and laughed all night. Her smile had been so wide, dimples poking through at the top of her cheeks, making her eyes smaller and crease at the outer edges. It was such a relief seeing her happy—or happier I guess you could say—as opposed to the distressed state I've seen her in. I found myself really enjoying this side of Olivia and was looking forward to having her come hang out with me and the boys at some point again.

This morning I had decided to keep up with my fitness and go for a run before it got too hot out. I know that it wasn't much, but I packed on about 10 pounds in the last few months and I was proud of the way my body started to fill out. I had always been slim growing up, but when I hit rock bottom, I had become sickly skinny and was very insecure. It wasn't until Nicholas practically slapped me across the face and told me to get my shit together that I decided to take charge of my life again.

I started writing down the thoughts in my head instead of dwelling on them, dabbled in the guitar a bit and started to make music. When this lifted my spirits, I gained my hunger back and reclaimed my confidence, as little as it was. As that progressed, I started weight lifting here and there and kept up with cardio, and was super proud of myself when I started to see results.

I had been running for over half an hour, aimlessly trekking around the neighborhood. It was an ordinary suburban area, quiet this morning as most people were at their 9 to 5 jobs and kids in school. The sun was beginning to beat down a little warmer as the morning crept towards noon. I slowed my pace and took shelter under a tree for a moment, catching my breath and wiping my forehead and upper lip with the bottom of my shirt. Hearing the sound of an idling truck nearby, I glanced over in curiosity.

On the other side of the street sat a town pickup, a woman with a cap on, her dark hair pulled through the back of it. She had been hunched over, aggressively typing away on her phone. Never seeing Liv on the job before, I was feeling a bit nosey and decided to make my way over to her. "Hey you," I announce when I'm a few feet away from her open window. She looks up confused for a moment before a smile spreads across her face. "Oh, hi Noah. What are you doing here?" "Just out for a run, saw you parked over here and thought I'd say 'hi'." "Ah," she says with a slow nod, taking in my appearance. "Guess you're getting a good workout in, huh?" I look down at my shirt, soaked at the neckline and streaked at the bottom with my sweat. I let out a bashful chuckle, "Yeah, guess you could say that."

Her phone chimes in her hand, having her turn her attention back to it. She huffs, aggravated, and throws her head against the headrest with a groan. I cringe, hoping it wasn't anything too serious. "Sorry," she sighs and looks my way again. "I gotta go. These morons missed another trash stop and the woman whose house it is, is complaining about it." I gave her a sympathetic smile, "Gotcha. Duty calls." She puts the truck in gear, glancing at me briefly as if she was waiting for me to have something else to say. "Why don't you come by my place after you get out? You look a little..." I trailed off, shrugging. "Stressed?" She chuckles, "Yeah, you could say that." "Right," I say, tapping the top of the door. "Swing by, it'll be me and Nick Ruffilo. We'll order pizza and chill out." She gives me a forced smile. "Sure, thanks. I'll see you later."

I watched her drive away, noticing her face fall as she did so. I pursed my lips, concerned about the severity of her job—I hoped that it wasn't too much stress for her to handle. Sighing, I turned my focus back to my run and headed towards home.

-

Around 8 this evening, Liv finally arrives at my place, just as Nick was becoming impatient about what pizza to order. When I opened the door, she gives me an apologetic smile, accompanied by a small wave. I grin back at her, pulling her into a quick hug to tell her that it was alright she showed up a little late. She had just showered, her hair still damp and smelling of coconut. "Glad you could make it," I say as I break away from her. She sighs with relief, "Thanks for having me over." When I caught her breath, I noticed that it smelled heavily of alcohol. My stomach drops, concerned that she had already been drinking before making her way over. "Of course," I grin, waving my arm in a grand fashion to invite her in.

"Hey, Ruffles," Olivia greets Nick as she plops down next to him. He laughs at the new nickname he acquired from her, giving her a sideways hug on the couch. "Ruffles?" She shrugs with a playful smirk on her lips. "It gets confusing between you and Folio, and Nicholas sounds too formal." Nick ponders her statement, nodding with approval. I chuckle, shaking my head as I made my way towards them, a freshly opened beer in hand for Olivia. She takes it with a 'thank you', and settles into the couch after drinking about half of it in one gulp. Nick and I exchange a wary glance—he must've smelled the alcohol on her, too.

I pick up the menu that sat on the coffee table and open it up, "So what kind of pizza do y'all want?" "Hawaiian," Nick immediately blurts out. Liv gags, "Pineapple on pizza is a goddamn blasphemy." I rub the back of my head, and turn away, avoiding the conflict that was about to erupt. He gets way into the whole pineapple-on-pizza-is-superior thing and I wanted no part of it. They bickered for a minute or two before I butted in, telling them we'll order one that was half Hawaiian, half pepperoni and one just cheese, hoping they'd shut up. Thankfully, they agreed, and we called it in right away.

-

Olivia

"Wait, wait, wait," Noah says in between laughs, holding his hands out to pause the conversation. "So, your last name is Foster? Like Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends?" Influenced by the shots of vodka and countless beers that was flowing through my veins, I couldn't stop myself from giggling at Noah's reaction to the discovery of my last name. "Yes, exactly!" Both of them started laughing. "We loved that show growing up," Ruffles announces, followed by a gasp. He frantically grabs the remote control, turning on Netflix and browsing to find the cartoon.

We watched the show for a long while, continuing to drink and indulge in the pizza in front of us. The pure joy that I felt seeing both of them with huge smiles plastered on their faces was impeccable. It mirrored the way that I wanted to feel everyday, and I smiled to myself sadly, wishing that were the case. Lately, I've been apprehensive about going to work to deal with the bullshit, but I knew I had a job to do, so I swallowed the dread and forced myself in everyday. On top of that, my dad's health was declining rapidly. I knew that I was burning out, but the thing that kept me going was knowing I could come home and reward myself to a bottle to suppress the feelings.

Feeling my eyes starting to get heavy as I watched the TV, I decided that it was time for me to go home before I fell asleep here. I stood and stretched, finishing off my last beer for the night. "It's getting to be that time," I say, catching their attention. "I'm exhausted." Noah sits up a little higher, looking my way. "Are you okay to drive home?" I nod. "You sure you don't want to stay the night?" I wave him off, "I'll be fine, promise." He purses his lips at me, not buying my statement. I couldn't bear to look at the disappointment in his eyes and headed out the door.

Making my way down the walkway, I hear the door open and click shut, turning to see Noah on his way out. He catches up to me and spins me around, planting his hands on my shoulders. His eyes trailed over my face, silently screaming concern. I close my eyes, turning my head away from him so I didn't have to see the crestfallen expression on his face. "Oliva," his velvety voice finally breaks the silence. "You don't have to look at me, but please promise me that you'll make it home alright." I felt a tear slip down my cheek as I nodded. "And please know that you can always talk to me about anything. I'm here to listen." I mustered the courage to look up at him, cracking when I see the worry etched into his face. "I'm okay," I croaked, my throat suddenly burning. He shakes his head at me. "I know you're not, but I'm not here to beat it out of you. When you're ready, I'll be here." He pulls me into a tight embrace when I let out a cry, knowing that he sees right through me. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing, and I wasn't sure if I was crying with relief or shame that he could sense it.

When I got home later in the night, I had a text from Noah. Noah: tomorrow. you, me, breakfast. my treat.

-

When Noah and I sat down in our booth at a local diner, I couldn't help the smile forming on my mouth; the slight uptilt of his lips making me feel welcome. He still seemed rather fatigued, his eyelids looking heavier than they normally do. I wasn't sure why he decided to take me out to breakfast if he had been so tired, but I wasn't complaining—I fucking love breakfast.

"Thanks for taking me out to breakfast," I say after taking an unsteady sip of my coffee, "what's the reason?" He shrugs politely, flashing a small smile. "Just felt like getting out, thought maybe you'd like to join, is all." "Well, thank you," I say, noting that his eyes were staring directly at my shaking hands. "You still seem like you wanted a few more hours of sleep," I mused, moving my hands to my lap. He trails his eyes back to mine. "Sure, who doesn't want more sleep?" He chuckles, "But what's the use of sleeping all day?" I mentally laugh; if I could, I would sleep my entire life away at this point.

I go for another sip of my coffee, this time having it dribble over the side of the mug some. Noah and I catch each other's eye—I could feel my heart jump into my throat with anxiety. "Liv," he says softly, concern laced in his voice. I put the coffee down and threw my hands in my lap again, trying to swallow my heart back to where it belonged. It was pounding, anticipating him calling me out. "I'm fine Noah, I'm a little unsteady in the morning until my brain finally wakes up," I force a chuckle. He shakes his head at me, his hair swaying from behind his shoulders, framing his face. "I know I said I wouldn't beat it out of you, but I'm starting to worry about you." Feeling my cheeks warm up with embarrassment, I advert my gaze to my trembling hands in my lap to avoid his stare. "Nick and I both knew you had been drinking before you came over last night. He got mad at me when I let you drive home, knowing you were way too drunk," he sighs harshly, banging his elbow on the table.

I look up, his forehead was in the palm of his hand, most likely in frustration. "I tossed and turned all night, worried if you were gonna make it home safely." I feel my stomach churn with guilt. "I know what the shakes from alcohol withdrawal looks like, Olivia." "W-was it that obvious?" I say under my breath, my eyes welling up with tears. He takes his head away from his hand to look at me. "Maybe not to the average Joe," he says softly, "but I can tell when your smile doesn't reach your eyes." My lips tremble as I try to force a smile, proving his point. I blinked, the tears rolling down my cheeks while I shook my head in shame. "I'm sorry. I'm just so scared, Noah," I whisper. "My dad is getting worse. I can't stop thinking about him dying and what I'm gonna do when he finally passes—it plagues me while I'm at work. That's why I looked so stressed yesterday. Drinking is the only thing that calms my nerves."

He reaches his right hand out across the table, nodding towards it. I place a trembling hand in his as he gives me a firm squeeze, "I've been there. I promise I'll help you through it, if you let me." I felt my heart swell at his words, the anxiety starting to whittle away as I gazed into his shimmering eyes. I take a deep breath and nod, focusing my eyes on my hand in his.

I pull my brows together as I scrutinize the ink on his hand. There was something peculiar about it, something I hadn't noticed the first time I shook his hand. There was a small patch that trailed into his wrist that was different from everything else, causing my breath to get caught in my throat. It was real, afterall.

I was beginning to see color.

|Chapter 7|

[katanayume]

hey guys do u wanna hear me yapping about how i think angel care and last journey by iyowa fits how i feel ab jacket's mourning after he lost beard and gf? no.?????? ok idc ure still hearing me out!!!!

all the translations referenced!!

last journey / ラストジャーニー [tl source]

angel care / エンゼルケア [tl source]

both translations are by Spicy Sweets!! go check out their blog here :]

og songs if u want to listen to them!!!

last journey / ラストジャーニー [this could make u motion sick, be wary of that!!! take care!!!]

angel care / エンゼルケア

so, for context, last journey is about someone losing their partner / close friend / loved one / whatever else, either due to suicide or something else. and angel care is basically the aftermath, hence the lyrics referencing last journey!!

"I thought I'd stop by to see you. While tripping on the smoke of our burning love" y'know how from chapter 3 (decadence) onward you see girlfriend in your house, just hanging around, right? i like to think this line kinda parallels that, jacket coming back home to see her again, because no matter what he still probably worried about her and wanted to see if she's okay. especially after what the snuff film producer put her through.

"When the dead body started talking, it devoured what little daily life I had" the missions he was sent on by 50B. what else do i say!!!

"I made it here because I had halfway expectations" also somewhat relating to both 50B and girlfriend, expecting either a house full of russians to beat down on or his beloved girl waiting for him.

"Your phone died, and you didn't have friends you could go to, so I was worried." beard talking about how there's something going on outside the shop he works at in san francisco, then walking out after hanging up and getting fucking CLAPPED by the nuke.

"I'll get a bit of rest in this freezing, rust-colored world." how jacket felt after losing the one friend he trusted the most, probably being sleepless for like days on end because of how much it fucked him up - or oversleeping, i mean... that's just depression and grieving for u

"Our little home was blown away, but I made it here because I wanted an unraveled love" again, san francisco getting blasted and jacket wishing he could've saved beard somehow, even if that's not possible.

"I clung onto a dream that wouldn't ever comfort me on our last journey" that part in hlm1 where suddenly jacket sees the world for how it is, the shopkeeper no longer being beard but some bald guy. hence the "dream that wouldn't ever comfort me" part, but that's just me probably looking a little too much into it ^_^"

what do i say!!!!! that part in the game where gf gets shot and wasn't able to be saved :[

now here's angel care!!!!!!

"I made it here because I have only one regret" him regretting that he didn't save beard or gf in time. i mean, he couldn't do jack shit but he surely wishes he could.

"My favorite books are all boring now. Those changes rose to the surface along with my beloved" the monotony of life in jail after he shot the grandfather point blank, and then maybe the memory of beard and gf's moments with him surfacing. god. ok this is making me sad why did i do this to myself

"No matter how many times I'm reborn, I can never atone." more of a meta thing, though also you brought it upon yourself by killing mobsters and basically leading to the world pretty much blowing up.

"I'm sorry for not saving you, I'm sorry for looking away" i explained this like 95954954 times u get it by now

"I savored the loneliness that lingered among my dulled senses. Ahh, if I pretend that I'm burdened by fate, then it'll be fine if I say it'd all for your sake, right?" wanting everything to turn out okay, maybe downplaying how he feels as he thinks it's stupid. i'm looking into it too much god help. idek how to word it at this point

again, the san francisco incident and that part in / before trauma

the "I'm sorry" lines are self explainatory, the "as we're reduced to ashes" is the nuke!!!

"Ahh, the world's ending, I loved you" the end of wrong number, it all makes sense.

"Your long journey is over now." both to the player and everyone else, you've done all you did and caused it.

ty for reading my unhinged rant and stream of conscience!!!

[vvatchword]

I nearly forgot to post my monthly for August. August has been just... oh jesus. something else. Here. Take this ugly first draft thing. I don't like it very much right now, but it exists, and that's more than I could say before.

Technically, I've been in crunch for the last three months. This has not stopped me from writing. There's a post going around right now by a... I don't know who they are? A public speaker?... who shares a little story about Van Gogh, with the moral of the story being "Art is in spite of suffering and not because of it." And although I think that can absolutely be true--that you don't need to suffer to produce good art--it certainly ain't true of me. I need to be in pain. I need to be angry. At the very least, I need to be confused. And in each of these states, I need to be curious about why that is. Suffering is very often meaningless, but it's also nice to build a framework for comprehending it.

If you can't have a plot without fictional suffering...

August is too many words again, although this time at least 20,000 words came from only two days. Early in the month, I had a deep desire for Good Endings, and wrote a few for myself. Very doubtful any of them will make it into public, but they were very good for me, thanks.

The real reason I haven't been able to finish this story, despite its absurd size, is that I was fixed firmly on Johnny Topside and only Johnny Topside. Every now and then I'd get a brain bug and work on Dr. Lamb--but even then, that was somewhat grudgingly. I'm now at the point that any kind of work on Topside relies almost entirely on what happens to Dr. Lamb and how she influences her followers.

And so, with a great grumble, I finally started working solely on Dr. Lamb and Lackeys sections.

Stanley Poole is absurdly fun to write--if I can get this done, you'll see why. I ended up stumbling into a facet of him that was weirdly personal. Unfortunately, I wrote as far as I could on his storyline; I now require the other three generals, because ideally all five of these characters rub off on one another and help illustrate and build up Lamb herself. I've got Grace down, I've got Gilbert... the only real problem now is Wales, the Biggest Nothing Ever. There is no reason for him to be Nothing except that I know nothing about architects, architecture of the period, or the place Wales came from. The only things I understand about him are Objectivism, Puritanical Belief Systems, Art, Perfectionism, the Sting of Failure, Depression, On the Outside Looking In Because U Just Got Punted into an Alley for Being Shit, and the Lure of the Metaphysical. You will note these are very imprecise and say little, really. I need to know about his childhood. I need to know about where and when he grew up. I need some colours out of earth.

One thing I'm very curious about is how this writing hyperfocus--which, if I can get to November, will have lasted an ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR, fucking unhinged and completely unlike anything I've ever experienced before--will affect Future Me. A winter is coming for me, whether I like it or not, and I'll definitely need it, but... I wonder if I can carry any of this knowledge and capability into future projects.

So much of this was fueled by passion. It's arguable it was nothing but passion. It's me taking my lumps and then translating them into prose as fast as life gives them to me. But I'm also impressed by the pieces of the work that I just worked on because they needed to be there and for no other reason. I'm impressed by the work I did out of duty years ago that still holds up, and the work I did on the bus while someone was screaming slurs. Art that exists is always better than the art that seems perfect in your head--at least it's out now, at least it's saying something, even if that something is imperfect. You can't fix what doesn't exist.

I'm also impressed by how I now know instantly what kinds of sections are necessary and in what orders, up to how many chapters are necessary to express the points that need to be impressed, with the only question marks being how to illustrate those points best. The next step will be to see if I have gotten too rote and see if I can't break out of those habits--maybe look up some alternate styles and writers and try to copy them. Just for challenge's sake, you know. I often find favorite phrases and methods and overuse them.

You might be asking at this point: "Wait! What about the BioShock Infinite stuff?" And I reply: this is about August and I only started writing BSI stuff in September. And also, I realized (very grudgingly) that I need to read a LOT more books before I can really start work, then play/watch BSI again. Napciyunka shared some headcanons with me and I played with them and then I realized he was like Oh Jesus don't take all my headcanons and I was like OH yeah that would be awkward and rude wouldn't it

...wait a stinking minute. Look at my story statistics. There is no reading time. I broke it rofllll

[pinkcherryblossomangel]

Away from home - chapter 2

Y/N is an actress, filming for her first lead role in the film adaptation of her favourite childhood book, produced by maximum effort.

She bonds with Ryan Reynolds over their share Love of the Korean pop band Stray Kids, and he has a surprise for her.

When she starts missing home and the darkness creeps upon her, her hotel neighbour comes to her rescue.

Trigger warnings- mentions of depression, self harm and anxiety

Stray kids fan fic

Mainly staring 3ratcha

But the other boys do make appearances it's just easy to keep to minimum of characters lol

Chan x oc

This is my first ever fan fiction so if it's shit soz.

Chapter 2 - professional

I run quickly back into the hall, trying to avoid the group approaching. I just manage it. I find Jenna and pull her into a corner.

"It's them!"

"What?" Her brow burrows with confusion.

"Stray kids. You were right, well 3 of them. The producing unit." A smile appears on her face as she revels in this only way a best friend could.

"That includes the leader doesn't it?" That's why she was smirking. She knows my phone wallpaper is a photo of him. " he's you fave isn't he? Sorry bias." The shit eating grin on her face would be funny if I wasn't shitting bricks. "You should probably change your phone background" she giggles.

I change it to a picture of my mum and me on holiday in London.

" okay breaks over, Y/N it's your solo." Jonathan calls over. I clamor off the bleachers and make my way to the centre. Jenna and I run our few lines of dialogue before the routine and then the doors to the right of me quietly open and they walk in.

I have to be professional but every fibre of my being is telling me to stop cause I'll make a fool of myself. The music starts, it's some old 70s pop song, and I'm kicking and moving just like I'm supposed to. I'm shimmying and moving my hips to the rhythm and after a few minutes the music ends. Everyone claps. I love working in such a encouraging environment.

I take a few to catch my breath and it happens. I see Ryan leading them over to me, Jenna and tash and we're trying not to freak out.

"Y/N!" He greats me with open arms which I happily hug into.

"Ryan!" I let go " and Blake! It's so good to see you in the flesh again" I say as I pull her into a hug.

"And here are the movies musical composers. Y/N I know you know of them" He says teasingly nudging me in the arm.

"Composer's? That's so cool!! My favourite band, doing the music for my favourite books film, produced by my favourite person and her husband!" Blake and the 3ratcha boys smirk whilst Ryan sarcastically laughs. " I'm Y/N" I say to the boys with an outstretched arm.

" changbin" He says as he shakes my hand

"Jisung, or Han, or Peter if you want!?" Han says almost like the words are falling out of his mouth.

"Chris!" There he is. I make eye contact as he holds my hand. I must be delusional as a feel a spark. Need to take my anti delulu meds.

" yeah I know you guys. I'm a big fan. A stay!" I say awkwardly as if I haven't been hyper fixated on them for the past 3 years.

" That's so cool!" Chan says, his Australian accent standing out amongst the sea of Americans I'm now used to hearing.

"You're not American?" Changbin asks me

"English, from near Yorkshire. But I do have an American accent in the film" I say slipping into the accent.

"That's so cool. People tell me I sound English when I speak English." Han chimes in.

"Maybe southern English, but like London not Essex or cornish." I reply.

" there's different ones?" Ryan jokes.

I'm keeping my cool, but I can't help but feel hot under Chris's gaze. Or what I think is his gaze, I haven't looked at him since I introduced myself, but I can feel his eyes on me. I shoot a look and smile in his direction. He was looking. Fuck. I'd prefer it if I was just being Deluded, but no, he's staring at me and once I make eye contact he smirks. Fuck this man.

"So they'll be spending a few weeks here on set getting to really feel the heart of the film. To really understand the characters and their relationships" Blakes words break through my spiralling.

"That sounds so fun! We'll have to show you round!" Tash suggests. She's become quite the stay in the past few minutes. What can I say, these boys have an effect on people.

"That's lunch" Jonathan yells.

The hoard of crew and cast make their way to the dining area, I trail behind trying to come to terms with the fact this is my life. Blake joins me at the tail.

"You feeling better today?" She asks. In all the excitement I'd completely forgotten the complete melt down I'd had last night. I went to bed as soon as I got in and cried myself to sleep. I wish there was a reason why, but there isn't. I should be happy. I am. I've got my dream job! Yet I still feel empty.

"Yeah" I say trying to reassure her, it doesn't really work. "I'm sorry I rang you so late last night, it must've been a pain in the arse" the apology rushes out my mouth. She stops me and looks at me in the eyes, as she places her hands on my shoulders.

"No. Stop dismissing how you feel. There is no need to apologise. I'm here for you" she says pulling me into a hug. In her arms I feel myself let go of tension I didnt realise had built up.

I wish my mum was here. She'd hold my hand through all of this. I'm too scared to tell her anything is wrong, cause she can't do anything from back home and I know she'd get on the next plan over. I can't do that to her. She has a life outside of me and I need to prove to myself I can do this on my own. Plus I'm scared I'd seem ungrateful.

Blake let's go, but loops her arm through mine.

"Now let's get lunch!"

-----------------------------------------

Chapter 1

[lost-in-wond3rland]

I had two 12oz redbulls and a 16oz monster today and I'm alive out of pure spite

TW for: food relationship, depression, self medication

So maybe I'm not just alive out of pure spite but it sounded more fun that way lol I'm mainly alive from riding the Eras Tour high (thank you Seattle and Taylor Alison Swift) (no, I don't live in Seattle but I did fly there).

So I haven't slept since Thursday.

Not entirely true, I mostly slept last night and the night before so really I hadn't sleep Thursday-Sunday but Sunday night was chill.

I did overly pump myself with caffeine today and it did exactly z e r o help at work which sucked.

I have therapy on Friday and I'm 95% sure I'm going to cancel. I don't think I like my therapist.

It's been a couple of sessions and:

Talking about myself is uncomfortable as fuck (yes, I realized the irony of this as I am semi journaling on a public platform but bffr, no one is reading this and if they ARE I have know way of knowing)

I'm not against natural remedies persay but e v e r y t h i n g she suggests is natural remedies? Tea for insomnia, roots to eat to help focus for the possible ADHD (on top of the fact that I've asked more than once to see a psych to at least get a diagnosis to know for sure if I have it, especially since I apparently check most of the boxes? But then she asked why I would want them? Um... cuz I wanna know? And I'm going into grad school and don't have time to be fighting my brain all the time?), exercise to raise serotonin to help depression (which yes I understand the science there but TW ALERT I have some... food and body issues we shall say that turn into spirals v quickly of I will go to the gym for two hours and only eat a singular granola bar for the whole day. So like. Yeahhhh when she said I might be depressed because "maybe you need to exercise more" that was fun lol Especially when I know I obviously don't look like I have said issues in the stereotypical sense)

So like. You could see why after a few sessions I'm not too keen on going back. I've been on a bit of an up swing anyway so like *shrug*

The reason I started going to therapy again was because things were... not ideal. Not that I was actively gonna do something. But also like. If I fell into an eternal slumber, I wouldn't necessarily have been mad about it typa deal. Kinda hoping for the whole eternal sleep thing but not doing anything to cause it, ya feel? But now things are fine and I can't help but feel like I was being dramatic because like. I'm fine. Everything is fine. And I really have nothing to complain about. So like. Dramatic, ya know?

It feels silly to me a lot of the time. People have real issues and real trauma, and I haveeee. A trip to London and Paris coming in the fall... so like. What the fuck do I need to be in therapy for? It just. Feels kinda fake. Like I'm being dramatic.

I feel like sometimes I build shit up in my head too much and then I stop and I'm like. Why. There are so many other things happening, so many other people with real life issues, and then here I am. I don't like it.

I was smoking a LOT of weed for a LONG time to just kinda coast ya know? To either feel something if I felt nothing or to feel something else other than what I was feeling. Which is great, and worked, but with my job if I get caught I will no longer have said job. Also the fact that like, weed sleep is a THING and where as not being hungover is great, I'll loose half the day knocked tf out (which considering the sleep situation might not be the worst thing so maybe I should go to the local dispensary lmao but then it makes me eat a bunch and then I feel awful the next day and cycles and cycles and cycles). So unfortunately/fortunately that is a no go cuz work and I gotta be awake enough to do hw man.

So yeah. I'm kind of in the "fuck therapy, I'm fine" mind set lately. Yeah, I get some intense lows but they haven't been consistent like they were plus I don't even know what fucking causes them. Somedays I just wake up and it's like, "oh cool, I'm floating in an abyss today". Some days I know if I spend too much time alone, my thoughts will suffocate me. Some days I wake up normal, and halfway through they day a switch flips out of nowhere and I'm just exhausted and don't want to exist. Sometimes I'm so numb or out of it I know I just shouldn't be driving because I feel nothing or feel out of my body.

But lately there's been none of that, and I've been good. So.

Yikes, this shit is not linear at all lol It's going in any and all directions. And there really is no point to it either. Just. Wanted to talk to myself about some things in my brain. But either way.

Therapy on Friday. Be there or be square! 98% sure I'm gonna be square because I just simplyyyyy do not want to go, nor do I see the point of it at the moment.

I also probably really need sleep. Or at least more sleep since I did in fact sleep pretty decently last night.

Oh! I'm also kind of in love with Taylor Zakhar Perez. He's so pretty it's irritating lmao He's also gonna play Alex in the RW&RB movie and I can't wait. I'm watching it with Lex on Saturday (Aug 12) since she has D&D on Aug 11 (cries in I wanted to watch it that night but I GUESS I'll fucking wait lol). But yeah. Hashtag daddy

-Seven

07.26.2023