#I have to be reminded sometimes that non internet people actually believe being a furry is a dsm5 mental illness

[bixels]

Wish regular folks on the internet would stop towing the line and continuing to act like furries are some weird, deviant thing nowadays. I’ll be watching Vinny Vinesauce and a hot male furry design will show up in a game and he’ll go ‘oh. Oh god. Oh god chat no. OH GODD WHY. EUGH CHAT STOP. (makes an inhuman noise) WHY ARE HIS TITS SO.’ Like, man, relax. His tits are so because it’s hot, get horny like the rest of us, next question.

[justasmallbloginabigklainefandom]

Rec This Thing: Interactive Introverts

Interactive Introverts in Amsterdam RAI, evening show on June 2nd

Story: Dan and Phil decided to give the people what they want.

My Story: Okay, fun fact, I bought my ticket on June 1st. When they first announced their tour, my friend Sammy immediately bought tickets for her and her sister and she asked me to come along.

I declined.

After all, I wasn’t that big of a fan of Dan and Phil and I decided that people who are actual fans of them could have my possible ticket. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I became fan of them and both shows were sold out. Yup. Bummer. Instant regret. Total sadness. So Sammy promised to tell me everything yada yada since I couldn’t go. Then just over 24 hours before the show, Sammy sent me a message that there were five seats left for €55.

Crap.

Okay, I decided to do it. Fuck work the day after. Let’s go. And boy, am I glad I did.

Rating (1 to 10): 9

Why?: QUITE DETAILED SHOW SUMMARY UNDER CUT, SPOILERS!

Alright, yup, I’m just going to write down everything, including the entire show. Or at least what I remember cause holla, this is done from memory.

Basically, we arrived in Amsterdam after a lot of panic because my bus didn’t drive so we were about to miss our train. I ran back home and yelled to mum to grab the car (called Snuit) cause HOLY FUCK MY BUS IS 6 MINUTES LATE AND WITH THE NEXT BUS I WILL MISS MY TRAIN FOR SURE.

But okay, Amsterdam. We got there around four? First we checked out the venue, which wasn’t hard to find because their matinee show had just ended, so we just had to follow the stream of fans who were leaving, and then we had dinner at this Japanese place. Then around 18:30 we were back at the venue. Only VIP was allowed to go in already, so we decided to buy merch. The place was packed, so they decided to already open the merch stand. Good thing we got merch (I got a poster) before the show, because other merch was sold during intermission and after the show. Almost no one got merch during intermission, because it was only 20 minutes long, and after the show the line was insane. Probably 2,5+ hours wait time.

We found our seats. We got split up. Sammy and her sister had a great seat (row 9) and I sat on the other side of the theatre in a balcony seat which was fucking great as well. They put on Dan’s playlist and that playlist was banging. Sometimes, Dan’s Siri interrupted. I mean, they were playing Hard Times when I entered the theatre- great start. 

And of course they came on stage after Welcome To The Black Parade.

First we had a video kinda introducing danis not on fire and AmazingPhil and then they came in on a moving plaform. Like, their set was so minimalistic but also so great?

After the “Hello! Hi!” stuff they talked about being in Amsterdam (”Amsterdamn” - Phil) and how Phil is feeling a bit sick because he decided to eat tons of stroopwafels (strupwaffles, they called it). Dan called him out, because when you buy a pack of stroopwafels, they are obviously not supposed to be eaten at the same time.

Oh, and those poor foreigners aren’t used to shit ton of bikes in Amsterdam (or in the entire Netherlands tbh) so they were talking about how they almost got killed by bikers while crossing the road. 

They were obviously telling us what to expect and all of that.

Then first, What are we not going to do. They acted out everything they were not going to do. I only remember the erotic roleplay, because they did cop roleplay and it was fucking hilarious (”Please be gentle with those handcuffs, I have sensitive skin” - Dan), and the part where they dressed up as their cute pastel versions.

Truth Bombs came next. Phil got asked something among the lines of: “What Olympic sport would Phil excel in?”

Keeping houseplants alive

I forgot.

SPORTS??? LMFAO!

(If anyone’s reading this… if you happen to know the missing parts cause you were at the same show, hit me up.)

Phil said something about how avoiding bikes in Amsterdam is a sport and then he procceeded to jump over the small hexagon on stage. He chose the houseplants.

Dan’s question was: “What is in Dan’s browser history?” 

Fursuits (I think???)

I also forgot.

Something with Shrek 

Which was ironic, because Shrek the Musical played at the RAI. I don’t remember what Dan chose.

Then, “How will they die?” 

Demonetization

They fall off stage in a few minutes

I forgot….

Honestly, they kept talking about demonetization during the entire show. Every time they said something too raunchy, they’d say something like “We’re getting demonetized.”

I think the Simulator came next? Anyway Phil started out with ordering a unicorn frappuchino and he ended up being killed by Satan cause he tried make a deal with him to restore his twitter account after accidentally posting a sexy photo of himself in his pants. We cheered for Satan, and they kept reminding us of that during the entire show. 

Dan was outside for once and got approached by a furry, did body shots of an otter, and ended up dying in an underground furry rave after he decided to use the ladies’ restroom.

After that, Phil synced us all as Linda, so hooray, we were all Linda. Now as Linda, we could continue to the magic trick and the audience participation. What is hidden in the mysterious box that Dan hid under his bed? Our three answers were: cereal, a panda, a fursuit. 

I still don’t know how they did this trick. The box was unopened on stage all the time. Sammy and I first came up with this special electronic paper, but then we realised Phil gave it to audience members to rip it up and fight about it.

I only remember three questions asked during the Survey. There was apart about their favourite content and Dan was very happy to present it as a pie chart. Also “Do you think you know Dan and Phil?”

Yes

No

Who is Dan and Phil?

After joking about how all the parents answered the last answer, they noticed a small percent still answered no, and they talked about authenticity on YouTube and sure, they put themselves out there because they want to entertain people, but that they are still genuinely themselves and that they’re not faking it. But if you wanted to see the non-entertaining version of them, you’d be bored. (”On my sofa, with an overheated laptop on my crotch and a bag of crisps under my chin and me trying to eat them with my tongue cause I’m lazy” - Dan).

Then, of course the “Dan or Phil?” question and they presented the wheel and they made the most dramatic act one exit I’ve ever seen, and I am a Broadway fan.

During intermission, the two women next to me were talking about merch and I told them where to find it. Then I exited the theatre. Sammy’s sister bought Pringles and I bought M&Ms and the three of us were kinda shocked to see the queue for the merch stand. Those poor fuckers.

We went back to the theatre and I talked about the merch again, because I happened to know the whole merch stand and its prices by heart after looking at it for 45 minutes (hoodie €40, sweater €30, wristband €5, poster €10, Dan and Phil plushies €25, denim jacket €65, two t-shirts €20 and €25, keycord or whatever it is called €10, cap €15, woops I still know it).

Back to the show! Phil was on the wheel and Dan used a slingshot, a bow and arrow, and a bazooka. And afterwards Phil was showing off his ass while taking off that white body suit. He said he was dizzy and Dan dared him to jump over the hexagon again, but Phil refused.

Okay anyway the next thing I remember is the wholesome Daniel and X-Rated Lester part (”I’m already feeling naughty” - Phil). In the beginning they had this whole talk about authenticity and how they are still humans bla which was really cool. Since I am a recent fan, I completely missed the actual wholesome Daniel craze, but yeah, they talked about how they are actual people and sometimes, they don’t meet certain expectations of fans.

Also, at one point in the show, Dan was talking about God and he yelled “Spite me, daddy!” and I think it was around this moment. The entire crowd yelled.

Alright Dan had to sweet talk disturbing fan fiction, Hello Internet, and another thing uuuuhm. I don’t remember. Anyway, he kept saying “Oh for God’s sake!”, especially at the Hello Internet one.

Phil had to bad mouth cute animals, endless kittens (he failed), and ugh I have also forgotten his last one. The person who sent in cute animals sat in front of me and it was just absolutely amazing to see how happy she was to see her submission on screen.

Then the Dan vs. Phil friendship game. There was a lot of stuff, but I remember some. I can’t believe they shocked each other, but maybe that is because I’d read the Milgram Experminent earlier that week.

First, psychic connection. They both had to name the same number between 1 to 20 and they failed. 

Then a dilemma. Dan got the dilemma: “Guest star in Infinity War 4 or Phil gets thrown in a pool of cheese?”

Phil had to choose between: “A billion dollars or Dan will never be able to see dogs again?” According to Phil, he’d buy two big airplanes and then merge them together for an ever bigger airplane.

Then the Dan or Phil or Rat. They both got it right. Phil just got a photo of something white, but he guessed that it was his own pale skin and Dan got some hairs and he guessed that it was a rat.

Trivia. Dan needed to name 3 pre-2008 Phil videos and succeeded. Dan thanked Phil for uploading his newest video about his his old deleted stuff. Phil needed to recall the kind of cake that Colin ruined and failed.

There was probably more to Dan vs. Phil but I am blanking. Phil got the big shock (”I’m Phil trash no. 1!″ - Dan).

Then the intimate moment. Or personal. Phil called it intimate and Dan just went “PERSONAL? DON’T CALL IT INTIMATE, IT’S PERSONAL” and then proceeded to point out that Phil has a degree in English language.

It was just so down to earth. There were three questions, and I remember two. The first person asked for an appropriate name for their zoo animal YouTube channel. I forgot the name they recommended, but they said it was great that this person had a clear theme.

I remember one person saying that she wants to be a singer but her parents want her to go into medicine and well first they were like “hey singing doctor!”. But they talked about how passion is important and how they both didn’t do what was expected and how they are much happier now (“Lawyer Dan is as awful as a singing doctor!” - Dan) but I unfortunately forgot the other two questions. It was just a really nice moment where both Dan and Phil just sat down to have a chat. Oh and they also talked about Phil’s apparent awful handwriting.

Then the power came back on and I think that is when the Awards happened? Glitter jackets af and a self-made statue (”Two naked men in bondage really represents Dan and Phil” - Phil, or something like that.)

The first category was: Best dressed pet as Dan and Phil.

A lizard wearing a flower crown while watching the video of Black Parade won.

A cat wearing Dan’s merch.

I don’t even know but it looked like Dan was riding Phil so that was that. I suppose it was a dog.

And then Most inaccurate expectation of the show

I fucking forgot first place.

Two hour long Hamilton reenaction with Chris Evans.

Them giving birth on stage.

Also the most annoyed parent was just incredibly funny. I remember the winners but hey I don’t feel comfortable just sharing their names cause… privacy. I know the winner sat on the second row and all kids were pointing at her and I guess Dan and Phil saw her and said: “This was probably the worst day of your life, thank you for sharing it with us!” “You probably thought you were seeing Shrek the Musical.”

And then back to the scripted part, aka the Big Finale. A dog video that has nothing to do with the show, PHIL’S DISS TRACK, Dan at the piano, and them singing a duet. This ain’t Broadway, but it was still kinda nice and just sweet.

And well, that is it. They runned around on stage, waving at everyone, saying goodbye. Then they stepped on their moving platform and they disappeared.

Some random things:

Phil kept calling a part of the set a “flap” which annoyed Dan.

Dan… just… couldn’t… stop… dabbing…

They hinted at a new gaming video that involves a lot of Dan’s screaming - coming next week.

So many pride flags in the crowd.

Phil and Dan sounds wrong.

There was one moment where a picture of Dan’s had pasted on a horse from My Horse Prince appeared with a text bulb saying “Ride me, senpai” but I don’t remember when that happened. I think before the Simulator?

Interactive Introverts kind of reminded me of Hedwig and the Angry Inch. There’s clearly a format and a script, but thanks to audience participation, no shows are the same.

But in all seriousness, as my friend Rowan @rothetree pointed out, the entire message of this show was about how Dan and Phil are just human. As Ro put it: “On a serious note, there’s a whole underlying theme to this show, which was them basically going “Hey, we’re real people, stop objectifying us"”. This felt so in line with what the three of us were talking about. Me, Sammy and Sammy’s sister had to endure a two hour train ride and we talked a lot about fandom’s perception on real life people they stan and how they sometimes reduce those people to the image they have in their minds.

Cause we were talking about stuff like real life shipping, and about how celebrities are being seen, and how the moment they do something the fans don’t like, you get all those moments of “X is not real anymore!”

Newsflash asshole, they are people with feelings, and just because you don’t want to see those feelings, doesn’t mean they don’t have them. For example, Sammy was talking about how one K-POP star basically got stalked at an airport and when he clearly showed his dislike of it, people were all “OH MY GOD HE DOESN’T LIKE HIS FANS HE IS SO RUDE HE’S NOT WHO WE THOUGHT HE WAS” and I gave the example of people saying Darren is “no longer himself” after he called out the people who are seriously threatening his fiancée and all that stuff.

Before the show started, we overheard two other fans talking about how they should come out bla bla bla, and just… no? That is so personal and we are not entitled to that at all? 

To quote Ghostly, they are not our dolls. We can’t dress them up in whatever way we want.

I recently read I Was Born For This by Alice Oseman, which follows a band from the fans’ POV and through the band’s POV and how sometimes those things clash, and I feel like with Interactive Introverts, Dan and Phil wanted to show people who they are to avoid a clash like that. That’s why they kept talking about how they value authenticity, while they are aware of the fact that they are also putting on a show. Or how, when people have certain images of them, how unrealistic those images can be and that they cannot live up to the expectations, and therefore it is important for fans to realise that. The tagline is: “Giving the people what they want!” and they did that without having to change for the fans’ sake.

As Rowan (rothetree, not Rowan from the book I Was Born For This) said: "we don’t own their image or expect too much from them. Something about their interactions with us is changing in a really good way."

Because that exactly.

Since I am a recent fan and I got my ticket one day before the show, I wasn’t aware of the questions, but in the “Do you think you know Dan or Phil?” (as they said: or do you think we’re people putting up a whole show) I would’ve answered a solid “no”, because I always think it’s dangerous to say that you know a celebrity, but after this show, I’d vote “yes”, because the way they acted on stage and the way they conveyed their message of “yes, we’re putting on a show right now because we want to entertain you guys, but we still care about authenticity” was well done.

And that is what made this show so great and enjoyable. Yes, it was a show and there were scripted parts, but it was still very genuine.

Recommend?: Yes, please, just like TATINOF, put it online for sale!

[minouchatonandhislady]

Honouring my childhood Part 2 - A Live Reaction

 Not ML related, as with *Part 1*

*Spoilers inbound for YGO Dark Side of Dimensions (duh) as I watch it and reaction with pictures. I love pictures.

As with anything that does not have subtitles, excuse what I don’t hear properly, or not at all. Though seriously, what is up with dub being first? Not that I mind, hell, I get to see this movie!!!

I hope that there are scenes I pray for. Like, you know, Atemu coming back, that’ll be grand.

Anyways, Onwards!

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME HOW KAIBA BUILT A SPACE ELEVATOR?! I guess I have two hours for this movie to explain it. (Wanna explain why he has the Puzzle as well?)

I can’t see my house from there, internet lies.

Look at all the pretty gold particles. Cute. But why? There’s a need apparently. Are we suffering from something? The logo does gold particles as well.

Ah. Egypt. That’s Ceremonial site. Are they...? Oh god WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?!

Kaiba. You understand and know the Gods exist...Yet--- Hell! Who CARES! Let’s go ahead and desecrate this place! NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!

BABY PANDA ALERT! Holy crap he’s grown. O_o

Tea? Who’s--? *second later* RIGHT! English. English names. Holy crap.

RUN LITTLE BABY PANDA RUN! Don’t be late for school!! --And get distracted by a cat. Nah, that’s cool. -_-

I have nothing to say for this, but holy crap I keep calling her Anzu, and expect them to call her Anzu. Whoops.

Height. Little height difference. Wow.

Anzu: sorry I kept you waiting. Yuugi: You didn’t! That might be because you’re late too, doofus!

IT’S THE BOYS! Well, one of them, at least. Still haven’t changed duel discs, huh?

Did I just hear a non-name Japanese word? In a 4Kids movie?! Jou tried!

Officer: Don’t you know the speed limit! Jou: Nope! Going too fast! Probably means you’re going too fast, rofl XD

Bakura has fans? Okay then.

CAN NO ANIME BE WITHOUT THE MAIN PEOPLE BEING LATE TO SCHOOL?! >_> They made it by their skin!

The hell are they eat--- RICE BALLS IN A 4KIDS MOVIE!

Don’t make me cry, Baby Panda! You’re starting to act/look like Atemu! Cute. But sad.

I have no words for what the hell is going on here.

Duelling is apparently a way to make money.

Math teach apparently took Jou’s duel disc last week. But he had it on his bike that morning. O_o? Confused.

Yuugi wants to create his own games. Naw. Those who haven’t read the manga / watched season 0 have no clue why.

Anzu, if you say “believe in your friends” one more time, I will find a way to hurl you off a bridge.

The hell is going on with the group’s memory? They can’t remember the Egyptian kid. Uh-oh. Never good. Spending time on this means bad stuff will happen.

RUN KIDS RUN! THE TEACH IS HERE!

Jou got his duel disc back. ‘Kay then.

BABY PANDA IS SAD!! NO!!! DON’T BE SAD! Yuugi: Just thinking back. ‘Bout Him. Anzu: You mean Atem? Damn it I’m crying now. +1 for name dropping. Yuugi: Sorry! Forget I said anything! Jou: It’s okay! You guys shared a connection. Gay. Jou: Totally makes sense you miss him sometimes. Yuugi: Not sometimes. ALL the time. So gay. 

Yuugi: You left us. You left me. Forever. T_T

YOU DO NOT NEED TO BRING UP THE LAST DUEL, DAMN IT MOVIE! YOU DO NOT NEED TO BRING UP THE LAST DUEL, DAMN IT MOVIE! (But daaaayum those graphics looking good XD) There goes the Puzzle, and dat shinny particle effect again.

Whelp. Aigami, or however you spell his name is getting the ever-loving crap beaten out of him. And at times like that I remember Jou used to be in a gang rofl. My hot film on bullying? Seriously? Jou can jump off bridges and not kill himself. But remembered to bring his duel disc with him rofl. He knows better by now! Where’d he leave his bike?

And Aigami is creeping me out he legit looks at Yuugi and goes You! You’re Yuugi! In a darker voice than a second ago. Creepy.

If he sends people to the Shadow Realm, I quit.

KAIBA HAS A CONSTRUCTION COMPANY AND IT HAS A LITTLE BLUE EYES WEARING A HARDHAT!!!!!

And you showed up Aigami...why?

Aigami is laughing. That’s creepy. Stop laughing!! God damn it he’s gonna send people to the Shadow Realm, isn’t he? Guess we can’t have a YGO movie without Shadow Realm being a thing. Excuse you, where’d you pull out a CUBE THAT HAS THE EYE OF WEDJAT ON IT FROM?! Answers! I need answers. He has purple followers. And they’re all dead. 4Kids! well done! GOLD PARTICLES EXPLAINED! It’s what the people dying leave behind. IS THE SCENE FROM THE LEAKED PART! I remember I screamed so much seeing Atemu Kaiba said something about making sure his hair was right. Gay. And he fired whoever made the bottle.

Mokuba found the pieces of the Puzzle. THIS IS A GOOD THING, WHY?!

I don’t wanna be a furry.

This scene - aka where the main characters learn the movie plot with the help of a news article, while Furry prances around in the background. 

Bakura is scared of fangirls.

Kaiba likes broadcasting he has events coming up, huh?

HOLY CRAP, JOU IS THE FURRY!!!

*dies of laughter* throwback, much? XD

They lose their power over the whatever it's called if Atemu decides to not be dead. Kay. That means he can come back! WOOHOO! Master Shin is a cultist. Aigami can activate hieroglyphics. Children moving around by phasing is creepy. ...Who’s in Domino? Who is he talking about?! Yuugi? He’s looking at Yuugi. Uh-oh.

Kaiba still flys around in a toy plane.

And can apparently jump out of said toy plane without breaking his legs.

I have a bad feeling about this.

YOU DON’T NEED TO KEEP REMINDING ME WHAT HAPPENED IN THE LAST EPISODE, MOVIE!

Kaiba senses a disturbance in the force. He...wants to reassemble it. Mokuba: It took Yuugi eight years! Kaiba: That’s because he’s a simple minded child. And he was getting beaten to death on a regular basis. But whatev. (YOU’RE THE SAME AGE AS HIM!)

The disturbance is Aigami. Not good. Totally not good. ...How does Kaiba know his other name? Um. They’re gonna fight over the Puzzle? Shouldn’t Yuugi get a say in this? Apparently not. THERE’S AN ACTUAL GUN IN THIS MOVIE! NOT A DRILL! This series has come so far. Whelp. Purple kids are back. And that guy is dead. Kaiba doesn’t give a frak. Knew digging the Items was a bad idea. DO NOT TAKE KAIBA! HOLY SHIT! WHAT?!

O_O --- Nevermind he played a trap of Blue Light, or something that sends Purple Kids back. I don’t know why I was ever worried about you. Aigami: I cannot let you resurrect the Pharaoh. We established we know he has a name. Use it! Kaiba: Please. You can’t stop me. wow. Look at that ego fly. LET’S DUEL. The cube thing is a duel disc. Okay then. Hi there gaping hole of doom in the ceiling. Those are never good. Dimension Summon. Okay then. AKA Let’s scream our hearts out to beef up our monsters. Aigami’s monsters that have weird names that I can’t hear have a lot of eyes that don’t belong in places. And Kaiba summons dragons. That rust. Uh-oh. Dimension Summon all the Blue Eyes. It doesn’t work. Great. Cube this, Cube that. It’s all math to me. Buh-bye dragons. Kaiba: This isn’t how it ends! Not after everything I’ve done. Not when I’m so close to reviving him! Gay. Whelp, Kaiba’s as good as---

EXCUSE YOU, WHAT?! HI THERE, OBELISK WHO DOESN’T HAVE A CARD! Dem cards went out with Atemu, apparently. Aigami: Your monsters can’t use their special abilities! Kaiba: It’s not monster. It’s a GOD. No explanation. It’s just there rofl. Oops. Time’s up. Security is done. Imma take a piece. LOL. MOKUBA USE HEADPUNCH! It’s super effective! Leaving now.

Did you leave a piece behind? The hole is glowing --- O_O that’s the Ring! Mani or whatever your name is, don’t touch that! 

The hell did Jou make is on the blimp? It’s not a pillow rofl. Kaiba isn’t your pillow either. (Subtle ship reference?) These guys are apparently graduating? Okay then. Honda needs tissues. Aigami has two pieces, gives one to his sister, so Atemu won’t come back. Kay then, still have hope that Atemu can come back. Aigami you wanna do WHAT?! Take out Yuugi?! There’s one way to anger a person who might as well be a god.

YUUGI, DO NOT GO NEAR HIM! -- Why are we bowling? RED EYES sighting! DON’T GIVE HIM DUELING TIPS!

Still don’t get how the space elevator works. Or why there is a need. Whelp, another duel tournament incoming. I’m sure there’s some highly advanced science that makes this space elevator work, but I’m not sciencey. Yuugi took eight years. Kaiba takes five hours, with a machine. Cheater.

Aigami’s with Bakura and Jou. Bakura just mentioned his father. This won’t end well. DON’T MENTION EGYPT! Aigami: Tell me more. Eeep. Don’t die. DO NOT KILL THEM!

Where’s grandpa going? Yuugi isn’t wearing his school uniform! PUZZLE BOX! It’s also a relic that Egyptians use for containing their shadows after the Pharaoh’s go to the afterlife. But you know. Egyptian stuff. Atemu’s shadow is always with Yuugi. Naw. Creepy. But AAAWWW.

I think they changed Mahadoo’s card. Don’t like it. Miss the purple. WHERE THE HELL DID SERA COME FROM?! Girl, it’s not a golden box. It’s a Shadow Box. I legit just explained this rofl. And Yuugi keeps his precious duel cards in it. NAAAW! Sera! You can’t just randomly say you know about the Pharaoh, (HE HAS A NAME GOD DAMN IT!) and not expect Yuugi not to react! Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA! Shin = Shadi?! ARE WE SERIOUS?! Apparently. Imma take you on a soul journey, brb. You’re used to these, right? -_- And I’ll explain this movie to you. Give me subtitles god damn it. AKA if we don’t do something, everyone is going to die. Whoopie. Yuugi! You’re my only hope! And she’s gone. SHE JUST GAVE HER PUZZLE PIECE TO HIM! I know that bing anywhere!

Kaiba, you know you’re speaking to a computer, right? BAKURA NO! Leave Bakura alone! He’s been through enough! (I swear he keeps saying placenta. But I doubt that.) ....where’s Jou? O_o Jou’s gone! JOU COME BACK! YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO DISAPPEAR!

Yuugi on a motorbike alert.

Didn’t know I needed that!

*screaming*

Aigami’s laugh is scary. Aigami: This place only exists as long as your memories do. We’ve gone into the Kingdom Hearts universe!!! RUN, JOU, RUN!!! KEEP RUNNING FROM THE DOOM HOLE THING!

Aigami: Farewell.

*cries*

BAKURA NO! NO MEMORY OF YAMI BAKURA! THAT’S A BAD! Fear turn into hate? Hate leads to suffering. Shadi is Yoda. Bakura’s dad was hurt/killed(?) by Yami Bakura and Shadi was killed by Yami Bakura. (Did this dude ever have a name?)

Baby Evil Bakura with a British accent is scary. Also Why So Serious?!

Okay, now is Aigami gonna let Bakura explain, or nah? Going with nah.

Tears help? Still going with nah. Or maybe not. Cube isn’t glowing anymore.

JOU!!! JOU! RUN! RUN!!!! DON’T LET YOUR DREAMS BE DREAMS! DON’T FALL!!!

MANI TOUCHED THE RING! BAD MANI! DOWN! Goes straight for Bakura, of course he does-_-. And he drops him! FIGHT THE RING! Oh jeez, never mind, he’s dead. A lot of people are dying in this film! Applaud! Aigami don’t touch the ring! - Hello Yuugi screaming for Jou. Everyone’s gonna die.

WELL, SHIT! I DIDN’T ACTUALLY MEAN IT! HOLY CRAP! Bing? There’s a BING! I KNOW THAT BING!

EXCUSE YOU, WHAT?!

And he’s SAFE! Now we just gotta worry about Bakura. Aigami split. ...Are we gonna mention that Jou saw Atemu? No? (FUCK!) It’s just HAS to rain!! Whelp. Kaiba caught up to Aigami, with an impressive show of private police force. Kaiba isn’t doing his usual job of “this all magic mirrors and bullshit” and goes with the whole “I understand this is magic” Wow. Kaiba you move fast!

Yuugi: What are you doing here?! Kaiba: Good to see you too, Yuugi. LOL! No buts, take part in my tournament. Now.

Screw the rules, I completed the Puzzle! (Yuugi reacts appropriately) Yuugi: How did you get it!? Kaiba: That’s not important. Um. Yes. YES IT IS! THAT’S VERY IMPORTANT! DUDE! HOW DO YOU KNOW YUUGI HAS THE PUZZLE PIECE?! Yuugi: What are you after?! Kaiba: What I’ve always been after. I’m the greatest. You WILL wear the puzzle, and you WILL summon him! Then I WILL defeat him! I know you want to see him too. Where did the “I don’t believe in this magic bullcrap” Kaiba go?! XD! This whole scene is gay! XD

IS IT SUCH A GOOD IDEA TO LET AIGAMI DUEL JUST BECAUSE HE HAS THE OTHER PIECE?! Such questions. No answers. At least Kaiba is consistent with what he wants, at least. -_- The fuck did the shadow box get HERE?! IT’S GETTING WET! (lol) CARS! CARS! WATCH OUT FOR THE CARS! DON’T LET THEM FLATTEN THEM BOX, DAMN IT! WAIT! I TAKE IT BACK! DON’T GET HIT YOUR-SELF! DON’T YOU DARE DIE ON ME YUUGI!!! THAT’S A TRUCK HEADING STRAIGHT FOR YOU! ---And you’re saved, thanks to Sera. OWE HER! Sera: Those who are lost, don’t always need to stay that way. ...Does that work for the Afterlife, too? If so, I’m down for that!

FLASHBACK NO JUTSU! Mokuba the interrogator. Let’s play cat and mouse to who knows more first about who has the last puzzle piece. (THE HELL IS THAT CUBE THING CALLED?! I CAN’T HEAR THE NAME PROPERLY!)

THAT PLANE IS GONNA CRASH---FUCK YOU KAIBA FOR FREAKING ME OUT! DID YOU JUST KILL A MAN TO SHOW OFF BLUE EYES?! There are way too many screens with Kaiba’s face on it. This is going into YGO VR realm. KAIBA IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT SHIT!? -_- Of course he is. Kaiba be like I’mma fight Aigami now. And Yuugi is like fuck you, I fight him! (You’ll do anything for a friend, huh? How ‘bout go into the Afterlife, and get Atemu back? That sounds like a good idea. Let’s do that!) Aigami and Yuugi fight? Don’t die, Yuugi please! FUCKING DIMENSION DUELING! AGAIN! Yuugi, crash course, GO! There’s something I didn’t know, Yuugi can scream loud. That can go a lot of ways! LOL. Bah, there are those Cubic Way Too Many Eyes And Weird Names monsters again! Shit! How’s Yuugi gonna far, when Kaiba needed Obelisk?! DON’T KILL YUUGI DAMN IT! GET UP!!! Aigami, if you say your duel monster turned into a God, I will fuck you up sideways. No? Good. Kaiba doesn’t give a shit. Wonder if he knows that if Yuugi fucking dies, Atemu can’t come back. Well, hi there Gaia Knight! YOU DID JACK ALL!!! He’s done to 950LP!! Not good!!! Aigami: If you have any sense, you’ll give up. Yuugi: Then, I must not have a lot of sense. I will never give up! Yuugi, you’re gonna die! DON’T ACCEPT HIS OFFER!!! Yuugi: I’ll never join you. Hi, Star Wars reference. FLASHBACK NO JUTSU AGAIN! FYI, Shadi just killed a man. Did you just summon Osiris--? Nope. (FUCK! That would have been awesome!) Gaia now has a dragon. (Is he saying Planner?! IS THAT THE NAME?!) Yuugi just summoned a sphinx. Legit makes a loop like the one from Waking The Dragons season. Aigami lost! WOW! GIVE BAKURA BACK!! And Aigami’s DEAD?! PUZZLE PIECE! Kaiba still don’t give a shit. BAKURA’S BACK! YAY! Complete the Puzzle, complete the puzzle, complete the puzzle!!! Kaiba: You will bring him back!!! Yuugi: I know how much you want to battle Atem (NAME DROP!!) I do! More than you know!! (IT’S THAT SCENE FROM THE LEAK!!!) Kaiba: If you won’t release him willingly. I’ll just have to force you. Uh, HOW?! And Yugi is duelling. Again. He’s got to tired. Poor Baby Panda. He...He summoned a marshmallow. A pink marshmallow. Um. Okay, Yuugi. Kaiba, predictably, summons a Blue Eyes. Bye blobs of pink. Yo, Mahaado. Kaiba: I look forward to destroying him. Dark, Kaiba. Dark. Yuugi summoned a castle. A FUCKING CASTLE! PUNCH THAT BLUE EYES ALEXANDRA! Kaiba don’t use Atemu’s words without his permission, damn it! ((is “Play Time is over” AKA “sore wa dou kana”?)) Alexandra didn’t last long. Damn. DON’T CRUSH YOUR USER DAMN IT!!! Bye, Mahadoo! You died, as you lived! Yuugi: You haven’t beaten me yet, Kaiba! Because, like Atem (YAY!!!) (DON’T SHOW THAT SCENE!) always taught me: I duel until the end! NAW!!! There’s...there’s an apple flying. Okay. Now it’s like Mana’s sister. Or something. Whut. Kaiba: YOU FIGHT ME WITH FRUIT?! My thoughts exactly. Yuugi made a lemonade joke. MANA!!!!! Buh-bye another dragon. What was like three? Four now? Kaiba: You really hate dragons, don’t you. -_- LOL!! And there’s another dragon. FFS. This guy and his dragons.

(Is it just me or, does this dragon have a Stargate on his back?) Yuugi’s only got 600LP! O_o Not good. Yuugi summoned a dragon. Woohoo! DON’T TAKE THE ARENA WITH YOU! And they’re both no more dragon. Kaiba: Do you see now?! Nothing will get in my way to resurrect the Pharaoh. Yuugi: What if it’s not up to you, or me for that matter? I tried to tell you, but maybe I’ll show you. PUT THOSE PUZZLE PIECES BACK!!! Yes, yes, yes, yes YES!! -clink- What...? Nothing happened. Nevermind! Sup Aigami! Wandering the Shadow---NOT THIS, AGAIN! DON’T TOUCH THAT STUPID RING! Fuck. We’re doomed. Sera: The Pharaoh did not return. Yuugi: He’s gone, Kaiba. Gone forever. I’ve known it deep in my heart since we said goodbye. He’s no longer inside the Puzzle. It’s not easy. It still ISN’T easy! But I had to let him go. And you have to as well. I’m sorry. Well fuck me sideways, I can see that, you don’t need to punch me in the face repeatedly!

Stupid movie. I just want Atemu back, is that too much to ASK?! T_T

And there’s the Kaiba we know! Kaiba: I’ll beat him out of you! Still wondering how that will work, bro. And back to the duel! HEY MAHADOO’S BACK! KAIBA’S DOWN TO 100LP?! Laughing.....There’s laughter. Aigami?! (and the Puzzle drops to the floor. Uh-oh) And we didn’t notice the manic laughing cube, ‘TIL NOW?! IT HAS THE RING SYMBOL ON IT!!!

Not good, not good, not good!!!

Well. I’ll be seeing THAT in my nightmares!

You wanna know what’s coming out of the cube? Nightmare fuel. Mokuba. Nightmare fuel.

Kaiba: Oof. He’s looked better! THAT THING IS GOING TO EAT YOU, AND YOU’RE SASSING IT?! Whelp. Sera’s dead. TAG TEAM DUEL GO!!! More god damn cubic weird eyed monsters! IT’S A FUCKING SHADOW GAME!!? HOLY CRAP NOT GOOD!! Seriously, what is Kaiba’s deal with dragons, aside from Kisara, that is? This one looks like a dragon, but sounds like an elephant! And again with the screams to power up monsters. That didn’t work, bro. Try again. And more cubic monsters. Yay. Lol. Kaiba’s tired of him laughing.

Because I won't’ be seeing this in my nightmares, right? Dark, 4Kids, dark.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE DIED SO FAR?! Evil guy: Now which of you will I destroy first? I choose Yuugi! O_O Are we serious?! Kaiba: Oh, no you don’t! Your attack switches to me! Yuugi: You won’t survive this! HOLY SHIT WHAT?! Yuugi: Why did you do that?! Kaiba: Take this. *the puzzle* Bring him back.

You just---? He just?! KAIBA'S GONE?! AS IN DEAD-DEAD! DO NOT TAKE YUUGI TOO!!!

*gross sobbing*

He’s down to 200LP

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope...!!

NOT HIM TOO, YOU CAN’T!!!

--Excuse me, what? Pillar of random light.

Bing? BING?!

EXCUSE ME?!

Hide. He’s angry. Ase from that, holy shit, hello!

He...He just did that.

Bye amalgamate! And take your Ring with you!

Yes! Let’s randomly fix everything!! YAY FOR THE GOLDEN LIGHT!! KAIBA’S BACK!

Yes....! Smiling baby!

*unimaginable screeching and sobbing*

It’s so pretty, and they’re together again, and just roivfdwaleighdsioweafunvd!!!

and talking....?

You know talking? The thing two people do after they haven’t seen each for a long time?!

Okay, we got progress, Happy Panda Yuugi nodded!

Why is the Puzzle going away?! WHY IS ATEMU GOING AWAY?! YOU SAID NOTHING THIS ENTIRE MOVIE!

...And he’s gone. And didn’t say anything. What.

Jou: You actually saw him?! You kinda did too, but hey. Yuugi: Yeah! And it was great seeing him again! Would have been better had he talked! Anzu: How’s he doing? Besides being still dead, you mean. Yuugi: Good! He wished us well! HE DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING!!! HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW?!

And they’ve graduated. Whoo.

KAIBA BUILT THAT DAMN SPACE ELEVATOR TO GET TO THE AFTERLIFE / SHADOW REALM?!?

Nope. Nu-huh. No way. Hmm-mm. Nope. That’s a big nope.

Sequel. Give it to me.

WITH DIALOGUE NEXT TIME!

[ecotone99]

[MF] I'm an old man.

I’m an old man.

Okay, I’m not that old. I’m only seventy-five. I’m being dramatic. They say that the seventies are the new fifties. But, I’m entitled to being a little grumpy at my age. I’ve earned it.

When I was younger, birthdays earned you new privileges, like buying tobacco (albeit I hate the smell and only occasionally smoke a cigar, which even then I still find it mildly revolting), getting married, joining the military, voting, alcohol, and cheaper car insurance.

But now the doctors inform me that, based on my age and my insurance provider, I’ve earned the privilege of undergoing another test for some disease that’s sure to end my life miserably. Every year I go in for my physical, and every year the doctor runs a complete battery; cholesterol, blood sugar, blood pressure, hearing, prostate, bone density, and on and on.

I see a dermatologist annually owing to my fair complexion; a trait I inherited from my mother who had strawberry blonde hair and a spattering of freckles that ran up and down her cheeks. And every three years I have to drink that God-awful Crystal Light and apple juice concoction, shit my brains out for two days, and then get little cameras inserted up my ass and down my throat. If it wasn’t for the drugs, I’m not sure I’d enjoy it much.

Or would I? When you get old, sometimes you wonder about these things. I’m not gay (and I don’t have a problem with it, mind you), but these thoughts run through my head on occasion as I get older.

What if I actually enjoyed it?

Maybe I would have when I was younger and a bit more open to those kinds of things. Apparently, the prostate, that little walnut-sized gland near your bladder, is also called the “male G-spot.”

All I know is that on occasion, when the doctor sticks his fingers up my rectum, I get a little chubby. It’s kind of embarrassing, but if it weren’t for the sterile formality of it all, maybe I’d relax enough to enjoy it.

You see, I never considered these things before.

Just like every time I get some new test. It gnaws away at my mind’s ability to ignore the fact that my time on this earth is coming to an end, something my younger self never once considered as a real possibility. Where death was something that happened to other people, each phone call from my specialist inches me closer to the realization that I’m not a spring-chicken anymore, and I’m one rotten biopsy away from the grave.

So, when the doctor says “you’re as healthy a twenty-year-old,” I always respond (still a little slick between the cheeks), “that’s just great, Doc.”

But who am I fooling?

They say that the seventies are the new fifties, but on Tinder I am old. I’m old, and I’m creepy. At least, that’s what all the young girls tell me.

Swipe right, swipe left? I don’t know how we matched, because I can barely text my wife without transferring my life savings to an African prince. I joke, because they all end up in my spam folder anyway, along with my daughter’s e-mails … why can’t you just call me on the phone like a normal human being, or God-forbid, visit once in a while? I know you have a family of your own and live a couple thousand miles away, but would it hurt to bring them down to get to know their Papa before he chokes?

Online dating is as foreign to me as Ching Chang Chong. Or is that too pejorative of an idiom these days? One thing I’ve also realized is that the older I get, the more bigoted and wrong about the world I am, at least that’s what everyone keeps telling me.

But let me be clear, Chief, it wasn’t me who changed; it was the world.

When I was a kid, these things didn’t have the same context. People weren’t so sensitive. I grew up in New England, for fuck’s sake. If you don’t recall, we fought to end slavery during the Civil War. We championed equal rights, and I even marched to end segregation, and now I’m a bigot? Please, spare me.

I don’t want to get political, but there’s a reason Trump won. I don’t care much for the man, with his gold-plated shit palace and orange skin, but he appreciates what being American used to mean. In a lot of ways, those were the gold-old-days. Those were the days before Twitter, Facebook, and Insta-whatever. Things were simpler: you sent a letter in the mail and then you waited. And when you waited you learned patience. Kids don’t have patience these days. They want everything now, now, now.

The world has changed, and maybe I’ve stayed the same.

A few years ago, we decided we were going to audit an ethics class at a local community college. Being that we are retired and didn’t have to work for food, we thought it would keep us engaged with the world that seemed to be changing daily. At any rate, the professor, some snotty, high-falutin’, thirty-something who couldn’t commit to a PhD, decided he was going to lecture me about objective moral values.

Objective moral values? What’s so objective about values these days when a man can decide to be a woman, and a woman can decide to be a Furry? A Furry. One interesting thing I learned in class: an employee filed an equal opportunity complaint because she not only believed she was a cat, but that she was being discriminated against because there weren’t any litter boxes for her to shit in.

Can you believe that?

Did the world go crazy, or am I going crazy?

One of the advantages of age is that it provides some perspective. A disadvantage is that facts about the world that one picks up in one era may not apply in a subsequent one. It’s not that the facts weren’t facts, but that those facts were time sensitive. What used to be true is not true now. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t true.

I’m time sensitive these days. I’m sensitive to the fact that I’m not getting any younger.

But eventually, you have to move on. You have to give new things a try. You have to embrace—and I hate to sound so callous, but at seventy, you appreciate the time you had and you appreciate the time you have left—change. It is hard to move on, but, sometimes, the world changes and you just have to hang on for the ride.

So, when Judith messaged me (not sure if it was through Our Time, Zoosk, Elite or Silver Singles, or whatever dating app I ended up contributing practically my entire 401k towards), it was a bit unexpected. I have to admit, it was hard. It was hard to carry on a conversation through my keyboard to some stranger in the internet ether. Hell, for all I knew, she was some Russian hacker trying to steal my e-mails.

I’m kidding.

We decided we’d meet at a local café. We’d have some coffee, maybe some breakfast, and we’d simply talk. That sounded great, honestly.

Because another thing about growing old is that everyone you know is constantly dying. When you’re twenty, it’s one wedding after another. When you’re seventy, it’s one funeral after another. Your address book gets smaller and smaller over time, and conversations become few and far between. You find yourself talking a bit too much to that clerk at the grocery store, or the telemarketer who’s trying to sell you a timeshare.

I give my daughter a hard time, but she has a career, a husband, and children, and I feel a bit guilty expecting anything from her beyond a call on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a wonderful daughter. She’s always trying to get me to move back to Maine, but I’ve grown accustomed to the Southern climate. They keep going on and on about climate change and saying Florida will be sucked into the ocean one day, but that won’t happen until long after I’m dead and gone. I keep telling her not to worry about me, and while she does, she knows I’m too stubborn to leave. But, daughters have a way of softening even the most hardened assholes like myself.

I showed up at the Waffle House a bit earlier than we agreed. Sitting at the booth I was reminded about how nervous I was when I was a kid.

But seventy is the new fifty, right? One thing I appreciate about technology is that it opens doors (both figuratively and non-figuratively). When I was a kid, you had to muster up the guts to approach a girl at the bar, an ice cream parlor, a diner, or the library. You had to introduce yourself while her and her friends pretended not to notice, but which made you even more nervous and uncomfortable. You had to invest an inordinate amount of time and resources into the act of dating that, probably, would be a waste of time in the end. It was a shot in the dark. You’d discover something about her personality, her values, her parents, her outlook, three or four dates into it, and you’d be back at square one.

Luck. That’s what it took to find the right one.

The great thing about online dating is you can weed out all those people you know aren’t cut out for you, that don’t share your worldview. It opens up the pool of dating I didn’t have when I was a kid. It’s simple math; the wider your net, the more chance you have of making the catch.

Sitting there I realized I still had my wedding ring on. I hadn’t taken it off for nearly fifty years.

In the bathroom, with a great deal of soap, I worked the ring backwards and forwards. The once smooth band was now sharp and cut into my finger that had grown a size (or two) larger than it was when I had first gotten married. The ring refused to budge over my knuckle. No matter how much I yanked, the damn thing wouldn’t come off. And the harder I pulled, the more I smiled and the more those crow’s feet, winkles, and loose skin scrunched up into an adolescent grin ear-to-ear as I realized I hadn’t taken it for nearly fifty years.

Judith ordered black coffee, two eggs sunny-side up, turkey bacon, and wheat toast. From her purse, she pulled out a shaker of Morton Salt Substitute, and that’s when I saw that she hadn’t taken her ring off either.

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