#I have the option to not go back and I feel weird and privileged about it

[highladyluck]

Calculating my projected leave and if my OB is right about the due date, and if my colleague only takes 16 weeks, I’ll have to come back right in time for the second half of my busy season :(

I’m like ‘take 18 weeks!!!’ because if I take 18 I’ll get to miss the end of the fiscal year instead of getting dumped in right ahead of the transition.

[traiaadd156]

No because damian would 100% use his pretty privilege AND you cannot convince me otherwise!

But with unhinged/yandere reader(just a teaser since no one wants reader to be a little crazy😔)

Warnings!; cringe dialog, reader a lil spicy(crazy) and her being a bit of a fan girl. And prettyboy! Damian wayne. Reader might be a cannibal!, stalking/observing, reader also a vamp!meta, and LOTS of eye contact(in a nonthreatening way) 👁️_👁️ 💗✨💯💯

And tell me if I missed anything on the warnings but enjoy(⁠^⁠^⁠)✨

Trust me that he is observant, he isnt oblivious just because he ignores it. But he doesnt relish it like most, but he does enjoy the attention when it comes to you. Yes he is flattered whenever you stare unblinkingly at him(even if he finds it creepy at times especially at night). He rather thinks of reader as an owl because of how unblinking you were at times, but its rather an endearment than insult.

He LOVES praise even if he wouldnt admit it out, you probably are the only fan girl he truly likes. Even if your both his girlfriend, stalker, his partner, his soon to be wife(not optional) and crime fighting buddy. Since there is no way your man is going out without you, not because your concerned he'd die(even if you do), because what if someone else has him? Everyone always wants to bite a bit of him. even you at times, maybe its just because of your power to practically copy powers by eating a bit of DNA(get your mind out of the gutter not THAT type!)

He finds it a bit concerning sometimes, since he also wants to learn everything about you just like what you did to him he did a bit of research. Randomally giving you food making you confused, of course in your head he was being rather thoughtful, none the less you ate it because your a black hole who could suck in everything just for it to become fuel.

And so he observes, since he wonders if your diet since he knows you cant always sustain yourself with metas or humans. And you did eat like a normal person, just with a faster metabolism but the down side is your hyper always moving and bouncing around whether its your hips swaying gently and then bucking to the side or how your index nail always rub on your thumb.

Small things he noticed, but what is a pretty boy without a weird little stalker? It isnt that you stare at him for a weird reason but it was always out of tenderness. His tender skin easy to rip apart like candy floss, the way the sharpness of his cheek always glides so smoothly whenever you brush a hair off his face. Because you did sometimes just break into his room at times (since he'd let you) maybe he just given up on it when he realized you wouldnt stop. Cons of being your boyfriend!

He realized early on that woman and guys tend to avoid him already but not the reason he might think(even if he is already isolated by everyone since he is considered "arrogant" or "rude") but by the fine gifts of miracles whenever someone did talk to him they would either disappeared or start avoiding him.

There is always and I am certain about the fact that damian knows he is being watched even if he is "alone", he could feel your eyes looking at the back of his head whenever you made breakfast for him but you were gone. He assumes that you might be an assassin or hired an assassin, but when confronted you didnt have anyone really following him since there were cameras everywhere(which is a relief?)

He doesnt need to say anything till you have to do something for him without him asking, he is starting to suspect you might be able to read his mind since you could take other mutants abilities so it wouldnt be far from what he thinks.

And the biting, yes that happens too, if his pain tolerance wasnt here and all the training of the league or robin didnt numb him enough he would have actually thought you were trying to eat him; always nipping his neck, gently but playfully biting his fingers and deep bite wounds that last days.

Yes his clothes do get stolen to be put in your weird collection for him; his shirt, hoodie, his collonge he supposedly "lost".

Random feelings of someone watching him whilst he showered thats why he stopped taking warm/hot showers since you could easily hide within there and there are a LOT of hiding spots in the manor.

It follows him everywhere but he realized your harmless(you arent) since your usually far off and just watching and looming over him as any good girlfriend does(⁠^⁠^⁠)

Pro's!(Since I have a lot to yap abt😚)

Affection and lots and lots of it, dont get him wrong he enjoys whenever you just snuggle up to him whenever your tired and exhausted from school work or vigilante work, and how your body becomes this weird flexible material but still whole, twisting your body to be in a more comfortable situation

You were the first everything he had, he is suspiciously curious why you knew so much about him in the beginning. At first he thought it was another assassin from the league to bring him back, and if not a rather pushy classmate who seems to always want to be around him.

Though first starting the relationship your rather paranoid since he hadnt told you he was robin yet, you swore to rip apart any bully that was doing it in school, or a grown man fist fighting with you.

But the thing about you is that your soft, manipulatively so but he can see it in your eyes you just care for him too much.(was it wrong he found your protectiveness endearing? How this short angry girl worried about her boyfriend?) Of course he isnt stupid to let you go, you'd do anything for him and he knew it. Maybe its what he likes about you; the loyalty, sacrifice and killings you'd do for him. The league and talia raised him after all.

But as the further the relationship went you softened, not because you killed all the women and men in the world that you'd feel comfortable letting him even do the most basic of tasks.

Its because he knew and accepted that you will be weird and crazy, he might never understand you but he could love you just as much. Because no other girl would tolerate him so much, he believed that your going to be the one. One day at least but he isnt routing for it, or does. Pretty but crazy but at the same time loyal, he was a rather jealous person himself. It wouldnt be right to say the relationship was solely one sided.

The scary thing is how emotionally intelligent you were, your gestures never needed to be grand like his. But because you accepted him. Not the curated version but him, sure you stalked and broke into his house many times and laced his eye with a tracking device without him knowing but at least you would have known the things they do and the reasoning for it.

He didnt feel like a monster who killed thousands, maybe its that, that it hard to let go for even his sake.

He will be very surprised if you could paint, sculpt, sketch and play an instrument just so you both could have something in common.

Its kind of sweet how the two of you are perfect for each other, in their own twisted way. From the outside you're considered a perfect couple; he was cold but seemingly only soft for you, you had morals and loyalties that never had to be tied down to him. Besides even if your everything is revolved around him you had other things to worry about.

This one was kinda short but I hoped u like it>⁠.⁠<

[vigilskeep]

i think one of the things i find hard to understand about the aveline hawke dynamic is that. okay the basic setup is that aveline, regardless of her opinions of hawke, has an intense loyalty to them from lothering onwards that is almost impossible to break even seven years later. spying on hawke and potentially interfering with hawke’s brother’s career is what, in aveline’s words, saves her protectively “camping on [hawke’s] doorstep” after what they went through together. i can see what aveline thinks she owes hawke; hawke got them flemeth’s help, and helped deal with wesley in whatever way, and aveline got into the city off the back of the hawkes’ year of indentured work. although the way she shows it is weird and invasive, the reasoning all basically checks out, sure

i guess i just don’t understand what aveline ever did for hawke for hawke to let her do all that without the option to draw a boundary. fleeing from lothering, she doesn’t particularly protect hawke’s family, and all she says as long as she still has wesley is that they can all go back to hating each other when it’s over. and in kirkwall, she never does anything for hawke or hawke’s friends with her guard position, as i’ve been seeing people point out today, despite the extreme danger many of them live in day-to-day through no fault of their own. (and aveline only got that guard position in the first place because the hawke siblings were doing a year of ugly work to get her into the city at all!) she even makes hawke do the work that she doesn’t expect of the guards, and protects guards accused of rape from investigation the way she never does for hawke’s friends. i think a simple conversational mention that, idk, she spent a year helping feed your family while you and your sibling were working off the debts, or a personal quest where the protectiveness of you that she talks so much about actually happens, would do a lot.

the game often acts like she’s doing you a favour just by descending to walking around with the likes of you and your friends. but it’s not like you need that; you can leave aveline out of the party and go the entire game without getting anything from her at all. and it’s not like aveline is actually better than the rest of them to be lowering herself by working with them. the difference, exclusively, is that the privilege she was born with got her access to an above-board position and a legal life. which she shows no awareness of and you can’t point out. annoying!

i don’t just wish you had the option to kick her out of the party because i don’t want her there, although, admittedly, i’d be tempted. i feel like having the option would just make sense for her role as a companion. it’s irritating that you have to deal with how presumptuous and judgemental aveline is without any option to not put up with her, as if you owe her anything. the game lets you treat most of the other companions abysmally, but locks a lot of your roleplaying choices by for some reason always operating on the basic assumption that you and your character must like aveline and want her there, even on 100% rivalry. and i don’t understand why it expects that or what she did to earn it

[asthedeathoflight]

I think part of why people get so weird and moralizing about the vampires' relationships with each other is that they're trying to map them onto human romantic relationships which just doesn't really work. And I'm not even talking about the moral dimension of "these people have to kill and eat humans to survive." I mean that for literally any of these vampires the healthy thing to do in the human world is just to never speak to each other ever again but that is just not an option for them. They're stuck with each other for ETERNITY. Either they kill each other or they find a way to live with each other those are basically the only options. They dont really get to go no contact.

And like specifically I'm thinking about the ways people reacted to the finale reconciliation between Lestat and Louis and how a lot of people read that as Louis going back to his abusive husband, and I can see how that would feel really off putting. But I think - awkward as it is - in that scene Lestat is more accurately described as being Louis' abusive father. Like if you think about the period of Louis and Lestat being together as a marriage then yes. Its insane for Louis to say he's grateful. But if you think of it as Louis' childhood then what you get is someone who has struggled with depression and being suicidal for his whole life going back to his parent and saying /im glad you brought me into the world./ Thank you for creating me. Thank you for giving me a chance to figure this out. It can be empowering for people to let go of their anger against their parents and finally see them as people with flaws. And before anyone comes at me with the forgiveness-is-harmful-to-survivors crap: I Know. I had the privilege of getting to go completely no contact with a family member without that impacting any of my other family relationships. I have no interest in forgiving him ever. But thats because I never have to see him again. If he was at family dinner - and you KNOW lestat is gonna be at vampire family dinner - I would have to learn how to let go of that rage for my OWN sake. Because living with anger like that eats at you and it turns you into something you don't want to be.

Louis forgiving Lestat isn't about Lestat. Its about Louis. It's about him coming to terms with the fact that these are the things that happened to him in his life and nobody can change them and like it or not he's gonna have to deal with Lestat for the rest of eternity and he's choosing to meet Lestat as an equal, to reconnect on his own terms. And that can be a very powerful thing to do! Not everyone wants to close the door on the people who helped raise them, even if they were hurt badly by them.

[the2020haikyuuphase]

kagehina headcanons

the first week they were in karasuno together and dropping gay ass lines like "when i'm here you're invincible" and shit everyone in the club would just stop what they're doing and clock them.

but back then no one really knew each other because the first years were new to the club so everyone was too nice to say anything about it– EXCEPT gay ass tsukishima but kageyama and hinata always ignore him so

and then everyone just gradually became used to their BS and wouldn’t react. but every time they had a game and were acting like That the players on the opposing team would be like ‘??? tf going on here? explain why ur first years are acting like That??’ so karasuno would have to be reminded

kageyama getting cute aggression with hinata but not knowing what it is

hinata feeling stronger every time kageyama was near and thinking it's because kageyama treats him as an equal

kageyama and hinata planning on hanging out to do mostly volleyball-related stuff in high school but then it bleeding into their personal life. study sessions that do not help them at all (it's the blind leading the blind), dinner with the hinatas where hinata and kageyama are forced to play dolls with natsu. dinner at the kageyamas where hinata gets a haircut from miwa. going to eat out together but having no pocket change to do so (definition of broke fifteen year olds) so they try to find the cheapest vending machines.

everyone just assumed they'd get together eventually through high school because these boys were so obviously obsessed with each other. but then they never did and they stayed in the weird but comfortable in-between and confused the shit out of everyone

neither hinata or kageyama are romance-driven individuals at ALL so they never found out they had feelings for each other because they were just not fussed to dissect it. there's so much in their relationship that lays on top of their romantic love for each other that they find much more important

i think it isn't until they unofficially 'split' up that they realise 'actually i think i might be in love with this guy' but even then there's more important things then their love for each other. it doesn't shake them to their core or anything, it's just a bit heartbreaking because now they're apart and they only just came to terms with it.

funnily enough, they're not the type to be overthinking what the other is doing or getting jealous or possessive in the long interim. they know each other so well– they know exactly what the other would be doing and they respect it because they understand implicitly why their choices need to be made. it would have been the loss of understanding that would have really scared them, but they’re such soulmates i seriously doubt they would ever lose that

they are so secure in their relationship. they sort of implicitly know that at the end of the day, they'll be Them again because there's not really another option. all roads will lead back to each other. no one else completes and challenges the other like they do. so even though it can be painful, and there's a lot of obstacles through it all, life is long and winding and eventually they know they'll find the other again.

i think they would get with other people (especially i can see hinata doing that, i headcanon kageyama as demisexual so i think there would be less desire to experiment on his side) after high school and experiment and find out what they like and stuff. but they're always each other's number one.

yeah soulmatism at its finest

what WOULD hurt them is seeing the same sort of indescribable connection replicated by the other with someone else. it doesn't have to be romantic (it usually isn't), but knowing that other people have the privilege of growing beside the person they love above all else, but their dream forces them to be apart would def open up some wounds

nothing excites them more than playing against each other. it doesn't matter if its on the world stage or in someone's backyard

they have crazy eye sex through the net and everyone thinks they're freaks. straight teenage boys think they hate each other and make tiktok edits of their rivalry with brazillian phonk in the background. others just think they act gay for clout (loud incorrect buzzer)

probably had a impromptu makeout sesh in the locker rooms a few times. then they act completely normal after

their sisters fw them so bad. miwa and natsu text each other just to complain about how long it's taking for them to just... get married

kageyama offers to train natsu with volleyball a lot and offer her tips. miwa glams hinata up for special events on the house

when kageyama and hinata verse each other in a home game their families link up at one of their houses just to watch over dinner and after the game both kagehina go home together and just eat a late meal at whoever is hosting that night. they're arguing the entire time but it's chill

kagehina gets brand deals with rival companies alllllll the time

i think they actually start officially dating MUCH later in life. towards the end of their careers or after their careers as volleyball players. but at that point they've been in an unofficial relationship for twenty or so years and they act like it too.

idk if marriage and kids is for them tbh but i don't think it's necessarily out of the cards. i just think they'll be too distracted to settle for a long while. they have to practice extra long on how to be two functional adults. if they do get married i can see them being like... seventy when it happens haha

[literary-illuminati]

2024 Book Review #47 – City of Last Chances by Adrian Tchaikovsky

This book was recommended to me by a few different people, and in any case I am generally a pretty big Tchaikovsky fan. So of course I’m only getting around to reading it now, however many months later. Having put it off so long for no good reason at all, I can say that the book is in fact very good. Not Tchaikovsky’s best work (that’s still Children of Time in a walk), but a good read and one that left me curious (if not exactly excited) about checking out the sequel.

The story takes place in Illmar, the eponymous City of Last Chances – scarred and oppressed, tyrannized by cursed dukes and conquering imperialists, built upon a dangerous and unreliable route to other worlds and forever attracting the sort of people with no better options available to them. While the book has any number of characters, it’s really the city itself that is the star of the story – a story of how the theft of an imperial magistrate’s ward before he makes an experimental voyage through the gateway in the woods leads to a whole series of byzantine intrigues and bloody misadventures, culminating in an abortive revolution against the Pallseen who occupy and rule them. Which in one sense is an absolutely massive spoiler and in another just feels like stating an inevitability that was obvious from the first chapter.

The book was apparently quite heavily marketed as harking back to the whole New Weird trend of a decade or two ago – marketing that is lived up to wholly and entirely. The whole book absolutely drips with Mieville and Vandermeer. The oblique worldbuilding, the mundane day-to-day life built around the opportunities and inconveniences of some intrusion of the sublime, the awkward intersection of ancient magic and industrial bureaucracy, and so on, and so forth. The Reproach in particular feels very Area X (or very Roadside Picnic, as you prefer), but in general the city feels like absolutely nothing so much as Bas-Lag with the weirdness dial turned down from an 11 to a 5 or 6.

It’s a real triumph of the book, I think, that the world genuinely feels vast and strange even beyond the points where it matters to the story - that all the little asides and the ways something affects a certain character feel like just small parts of something far grander and more uncanny than anyone can hope to understand. Maybe I’m just painfully tired of rpg-system worldbuilding, but it’s an effect I dearly love.

Much like Bas-Lag, Ilmar is very clearly a magical fantasy city going through a magical fantasy 19th century industrial revolution (instead of steam engines its demonic slave labor contracted and imported from the Kings Below). The meat of the book is playing into the whole tradition of the idealistic, virtuous but tragic liberal revolution – 1848 in Berlin or Vienna, the June Days and Commune in Paris, Warsaw a dozen different times, Les Mis. You know the type. Students singing patriotic old songs, workers rising up against class oppression, ‘revolutionaries’ who are mostly cowardly nobles pining after lost privileges and criminal syndicate putting on airs being caught flat-footed by events. You can probably tell the basic story in your sleep. But for such a venerable genre, this book's honestly probably the best rendition of ‘fantasy 1848’ I can recall. Something which won it my instant affection.

The other thing the book just overwhelming shares with the Mieville’s Bas-Lag books is a very keen sense of the necessity of revolution combined with an extreme cynicism towards anyone who might actually carry it out. The university students are sincere believers, and also naive sheep the narrative views with condescension (at best). The professional revolutionaries are all power-grabbing hypocrites who have wrapped themselves in the flag. The workers syndicates have a real sense of solidarity among themselves, and also none at all to the demon slaves that are used and broken powering the mills and factories. And so on. The overall thrust of the book is a tragedy not in the sense of railing against the inevitable, but in the sense that triumph and revolution were absolutely possible – indeed plausible – but for the flaws and frailities of the revolutionaries who might have accomplished it.

Not to say that it's misanthropic – the book is very humane towards the vast majority of its POVs. Of which there are enough for ‘vast majority’ to be a meaningful term. It was something like 130 pages in before any character got a second chapter through their eyes, a feat I had previously only seen in Malazan – and that’s not including the chorus chapters which just give a half-doze vignettes from across the city. But yes, most characters (even the ones who are really just viscerally repulsive) are shown through their own eyes as someone who is at least understandable, if not particularly sympathetic. The sheer size of the cast in a 500 page book mean that no one character or set gets that many chapters from their perspective (you could easily have written as long a book about roughly the same events with half or less of the cast), but some of the dynamics that are very lightly touched on are just incredibly compelling. Its enough to make you wish this was a series that would ever get any fanfiction written about it, really.

Given the way the book is so deeply concerned with oppression and violence on the basis of culture, class, and nation – imperial occupiers, native population, refugees and immigrants used and scapegoated by both – it is kind of fascinating that this is a world where misogyny and (possibly? Not very explored, the only example of a queer relationship we see is hardly going to be concerned by normative society) homophobia just flatly don’t exist. Which would be less interesting if it was unusual, really – the same could be said about very nearly every recent sci fi or fantasy book on the same lines I can recall. Interesting because it is very much not the case in Melville’s stuff – the cultural impact of Ancillary Justice continues to echo down the years, I guess. So yes the imperial police inspector will extort sex out of a brothel owner in exchange for not stringing up the entire workforce for peripheral involvement with the resistance, but also this is entirely gender-neutral. Something very modern about how oppression is imagined relative to the ‘90s or ‘00s (or just a different genre of self-consciously feminist novel a few book shelves to the left).

But yeah, great book, I am compelled. No idea where the sequel would be going, but will probably hunt it down sooner rather than later.

[felassan]

Snippets. 🐺💜

Corinne Busche celebrates 5 years at BioWare! [source]

Devs Michelle Flamm and Gabe Graziani: "feels weird that 'the last game informer cover game is a game I worked on' is a thing I can say now" / "And all of the exclusive coverage we did with them is just... gone." [source, two]

Jon Renish: "It's just a coincidence but, the last cover for Game Informer is 'Dragon Age: The Veilguard', the last printed Prima strategy guide was 'Anthem'." [source]

John Epler: "christ. seeing game informer shutting down is awful. seeing them shut down literally three months after spending time with them is fucking me up. hope everyone lands on their feet. unbelievable." [source]

Jay Ingram (on GI): "Oh my gosh. It was always so exciting to see what the cover story of a month would be, and then even more so as a dev when you showcase games I've been privileged to work on. This is so sad. Thank you for everything. I wish you all the best. Truly the end of an era" [source]

Derek Wilks: "Seriously hate to see Game Informer go. They’ve been my go to for years. Always loved their magazines. They will be greatly missed. It’s a bittersweet honor to have our game as their last cover story. Wish they could have continued forever. 💔" [source]

User: "Will Briala make another appearance in the future (not necessarily in Veilguard)?" Trick Weekes: "Anyone who didn’t die onscreen could potentially show up again someday." [source]

[Here] is the link to costume builder Ladytoxie's SDCC V-log! Ladytoxie was invited to the DA:TV@SDCC Fandom party, at which they cosplayed Bellara. In the vlog, they discuss their Bellara cosplay, the process of creating it, their experience going by the BioWare booth at SDCC, and their Fandom party experience with the devs. The vlog also includes a bonus short interview with the devs from SDCC. In the vlog you can see that, along with the dragon screenshot, an alternative option for the background of the DA:TV photo booth pic was this tavern screenshot that we've seen. Ladytoxie also mentioned in the vlog that it's clear how much love and work the devs have put into the game [source]

^ The devs talked a bit about DA/the game & characters in the bonus interview. I'm not 100% sure if I heard all these details right, so apologies/correct me if I misheard, missed or misunderstood any of it (listening to the original source first-hand is of course always most advisable!!), but it sounded like: Corinne Busche feels most connected to Maevaris Tilani. Corinne Busche loves the qunari and would cosplay as Taash, as she loves the scale, armor and Rivaini gold. Her favorite companion is Emmrich. John Epler would cosplay as Lucanis, calling him so stylish and suave. It sounded like he said he wrote Bellara and a few other characters. Ashley Barlow would cosplay as Neve, saying that she has [awesome] dialogue, quick wit and is sassy. Parrish Ley would cosplay as Davrin. He said that Davrin has some awesome armor pieces, with the hands and feet being lots of interlocking pieces of metal. Parrish Ley is a big face and hands animator, so when he's animating Davrin's armor, his hands and feet get a lot of focus, so that he looks great in any pose from any angle. [source] <- Check out the vlog here!

User: "bioware, it is now the second of august." Dev Jess: "Soon 😄" [source] User: "On my knees groveling for more information on Taash" Jess: "soon :)" [source]

User: "Coming back to say Thank you so very much for Veilguard! Coming back to Thedas feels like Home!!". Derek Wilks: "It’s absolutely our pleasure. We’ve truly made something that we love, and hope you all love it too. 🧡" [source]

User on Fenris in DA2: "coolest character introduction ever". Derek Wilks: "So far 😊" [source]

[nausicaamusiclover20]

Hello))) this is partially inspired by the anon’s request, who was watching soap operas with her grandma - I’m the same 😂

So maybe reader comes from family with money, not like millionaires, but her dad is one of Californias top divorce lawyers so he definitely makes good cash. Of course her parents are not fans of James, up to the point where they cut her off because she refused to break up with him. But she takes it well, works as waitress at diner as she’s happy being with James. However, after Metallica’s first tour in 83, he confessed that he cheated with girls on the road - exactly what her father warned her about. So she kinda doesn’t have any option but to go back to her family. However, her father does forgive her and takes her back.

A few years later in 90s, when Lars is divorcing Debbie (his first wife), guess who’s Debbie’s attorney? She wins the case so at some point she comes to the studio so Lars can sign the papers for Debbie to get her part of money; and James is pissed and calls her cynical and cold hearted but she tells him it’s his fault and how she gave everything away to be with him and he went out to sleep with groupies? He feels guilty cause she’s right - he couldn’t keep it in his pants and a few days later calls the law firm she’s working at as he wants to reconcile and cheating was the worst thing he had done???

I thought I’d be brief but ended up with too much details I’m sorry if it’s weird 🥹🥹🥹

I don't know if it's what you were looking for, but I hope you like it 💕

Rewrite the past

I never thought I’d find myself back here, in my father’s office, staring at the walls lined with framed degrees, each one a testament to his relentless ambition. From the outside, my family looked perfect—money, influence, respect. My father was one of California’s top divorce lawyers, the kind of man who made sure everyone knew how hard he’d worked to give us the life we had. I never wanted for anything, but the privilege came at a cost.

When I met James, he was the one thing in my life that felt real, unpolished. He was wild, raw, unapologetically himself, and in a world of well-manicured facades, he was a breath of fresh air. I knew my parents wouldn’t understand, but I didn’t care. They wanted me with someone safe, someone respectable. But I wanted him.

It wasn’t long before the clashes started. My parents despised him—the loud music, the chaos, the risk. They tried everything to pull me away, and when I refused, when I told them that James was who I wanted, they finally drew a hard line.

“If you stay with him, you’re on your own,” my father had said, his tone cold, final. “You’re turning your back on everything we’ve given you.”

The words stung, but I chose James anyway. I took a job at a diner, working double shifts to pay rent on a cramped apartment, doing whatever it took to make things work. It wasn’t glamorous, but I was happy—at least, I thought I was.

Then Metallica went on their first tour. I didn’t hear much from James while he was on the road, and I tried to brush off the nagging worries in my mind. But when he finally came back, he looked different. There was a distance between us, something broken in his gaze. I’d barely gotten a chance to hold him before he pulled away and admitted the truth.

“I cheated,” he said, the words falling out like stones. “There were… girls on the road. I don’t even remember half of them.”

My heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest. All the warnings my father had given me, every condescending “I told you so” I’d ignored—it was all crashing down around me. I’d fought so hard to keep this, to prove to myself, to everyone, that we were real, that we could make it work.

And yet, here he was, proving all of them right.

I didn’t have anything left to hold on to, no safety net. The betrayal was too much, and, broken-hearted, I had no choice but to turn back to the only people who’d ever protected me. My father welcomed me back without hesitation, perhaps knowing he’d won in the end. But even as they opened their doors to me, it didn’t feel like victory. It felt like defeat.

---

The relief I expected didn’t come when I returned to my family. There was only a dull ache, the feeling of failure simmering beneath the surface. The world I’d tried so hard to escape had pulled me back in, and all the independence I’d fought for felt like it had slipped through my fingers.

My father didn’t say “I told you so”—at least not outright. But there was that look in his eyes every time he glanced my way, like he was almost smug about me finally realizing he’d been right all along. My mother, too, seemed relieved, constantly reminding me that I was better off without “someone like him.” They were careful not to bring it up too much, as if to spare me, but every comment felt like a small needle, poking at my decision to love James.

In their eyes, I’d come to my senses. In mine, I’d lost something I couldn’t get back.

As the years passed, I moved forward. I’d put everything into my career in law, following my father’s footsteps, using my pain as fuel to rise through the ranks of his firm. It was hard, grueling, but the satisfaction I got from the victories, the courtroom battles, made it worth it. Winning cases felt like a balm to all the broken pieces I couldn’t quite stitch together. And every time I signed a high-stakes case or handled a tricky negotiation, I could feel my father’s pride. It was almost enough.

But there was still a part of me that wondered what might have been—if he’d been someone who could keep his promises. If we’d managed to build the life I’d imagined with him. Every now and then, I’d hear Metallica on the radio or see an old photo of us tucked away in the back of a drawer, and I’d feel the sting of what we’d lost.

Then came the day when the past decided to walk right back into my life.

It was late, the office winding down for the evening, when my assistant walked in with a stack of documents and a carefully neutral expression.

“Debbie Lars Ulrich's case,” she said, placing the papers on my desk. “The divorce settlement. Lars needs to sign his part.”

I froze for a moment, processing what this meant. Debbie was one of my clients, yes, but the reality of who her soon-to-be ex-husband was—and what that meant—washed over me slowly, sinking in. If Lars was here to sign, James would be nearby. Of course, he would. They were practically family.

I took a deep breath, steeling myself, and agreed to bring the papers to the studio the following day.

---

When I arrived at the studio, I knew I had to keep myself together. This wasn’t about me; this was business. I walked in, the familiar smell of stale beer and smoke hanging heavy in the air. The studio felt like a time capsule, reminding me of those early days, back when I’d believed in forever.

And then I saw him.

James stood there, leaning against the wall, arms crossed, his gaze cutting through me the moment I entered. The years had changed him—sharpened the lines on his face, deepened the shadows under his eyes. But there was a hardness in his expression, a guardedness I hadn’t seen before.

He didn’t bother with pleasantries. “So, you’re the one representing Debbie now?”

“Yes,” I replied, my voice steady, professional. “I’m here because Lars needs to sign these.”

He scoffed, a humorless smile tugging at his lips. “That’s all this is, huh? Just a job to you?”

I could feel the anger simmering beneath the surface, but I forced myself to stay calm. “Yes, James. This is my job. I’m here for Debbie. What did you expect?”

He shook his head, his gaze narrowing. “I expected you to have some heart left. But I guess you’ve gotten really good at this—cold, calculating.”

My fingers tightened around the documents in my hand, the years of hurt and resentment rushing back. He didn’t get to act like this, not after everything.

“Cold?” I repeated, letting out a bitter laugh. “That’s rich coming from you. I gave up everything for you, James—my family, my life. I was willing to fight for us. And what did you do? You threw it away for a few cheap thrills on the road.”

His face paled, and I could see the flicker of guilt, raw and undeniable, as he struggled to hold my gaze.

“I was young,” he murmured, his voice quieter now. “I was stupid. I didn’t know what I was risking until it was too late.”

I shook my head, the familiar ache resurfacing as I stared at him. “Do you even realize what you cost me? I had to rebuild my entire life from scratch, and I did it without you. I’m not here to rehash the past or play whatever game you think this is. I’m here because this is what I do. This is who I am now.”

For a moment, he just stared at me, as if seeing me for the first time. His shoulders slumped, the bravado fading as he looked down at the floor, defeated. “I didn’t deserve you. I don’t think I ever did.”

“Maybe you didn’t,” I replied, softer now, feeling the weight of every hurt, every broken promise. “But I loved you, James. And I would’ve done anything to make it work. You’re the one who threw it away.”

He nodded, looking at me with that same, aching regret, and for a moment, the years seemed to fall away. We were just two people, tangled up in the remains of a love we couldn’t save.

“I’m sorry,” he said, the words barely a whisper. “I know it doesn’t change anything, but… I’m sorry.”

I took a deep breath, willing myself to let go of the last fragments of pain, to move on from what we’d lost.

“Goodbye, James,” I said, my voice steady, final.

There are things in life you can’t take back, no matter how desperately you wish you could. Years had passed since we met, but yesterday as I met him again and today I heard his voice cracking over the phone as he spoke the words he’d likely rehearsed a hundred times.

I had been wrapping up the final details on a case, buried in papers and the quiet hum of my small studio in downtown LA. It was my sanctuary—a space I’d built for myself in the years since our breakup. The walls were lined with case files, books, and certificates that whispered of the life I’d carved out alone. The last person I expected to invade this space was James Hetfield.

The phone rang, its sudden chime breaking through the silence. I glanced down, and I answered.

“Hello?” I said, my voice uncertain, testing the waters. I could feel the flutter of my heart in my chest, a mix of excitement and dread.

“Y/N,” he breathed, and the sound of my name on his lips was both familiar and foreign. It sent a rush of emotions through me—nostalgia for the love we once shared, mixed with the sharp pain of betrayal. Memories of our time together flooded my mind, each one a reminder of the happiness we had, intertwined with the heartbreak of his infidelity. I had spent years trying to forget him, yet here he was, a ghost from my past, stirring feelings I thought I had buried deep.

“What do you want, James?” I kept my tone guarded, bracing for whatever might come next, but inside, I was a whirlwind of emotions—anger, longing, and an unshakeable sadness.

“I know it’s late,” he started, his voice softer than I remembered. “But… Can we talk?”

For a moment, I hesitated. Memories crashed over me like a wave—the days spent dreaming of a future together, the betrayal that shattered it all after his first tour. I’d given up everything for him, only for him to throw it all away.

“What is it you want to talk about?” I asked, my curiosity battling with the pain that lingered. “It’s been years.”

He paused, and when he spoke again, I could hear the weight of regret. “I just… I’m sorry. For everything.”

His words hung in the air, thick with remorse, and old wounds reopened like fresh scars. “James, you did exactly what my father warned me you would. I left my family, gave up everything just to be with you. And you threw it away for girls you don’t even remember.”

“I know,” he murmured, his voice barely a whisper. “It haunts me every day. Cheating was the worst thing I’ve ever done, and I don’t expect you to forgive me… but I needed you to know how sorry I am.”

I ran a hand over the edge of my desk, grounding myself. This was my life now—a life I’d built without him, in this studio that felt as much a part of me as my own skin. I had carved out success and peace, and this chapter of my past had no place in it.

“I’ve moved on, James,” I said finally, my voice low and steady. “This is my life now, and I don’t need the past interrupting it.”

Silence filled the line, but I could almost feel the regret radiating from him, his guilt settling over him like a heavy shadow. He had made his choices, and I had made mine.

But then I thought about the years that had passed, the void where he used to be. I couldn’t deny the flicker of hope igniting inside me. “Maybe... maybe we could talk,” I heard myself say, the words tumbling out before I could stop them.

“Really?” His voice was tentative, almost disbelieving.

“Yeah, but only if you’re serious about changing. I won’t go through that again,” I warned, my heart racing with uncertainty.

“I am. I swear,” he replied, urgency creeping into his tone. “I know I messed up. I just want a chance to prove it to you.”

As we spoke, I felt the walls I’d built around my heart begin to crack, revealing the soft, vulnerable parts I had long kept hidden. The thought of giving him a second chance filled me with both excitement and dread. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that perhaps we could find our way back to each other, even if it was a long and winding road.

“Okay, let’s see where this goes,” I said, my voice steadying.

“Thank you,” he breathed, relief flooding his words. “You have no idea how much this means to me.”

“Just remember, James,” I warned, feeling the weight of my decision. “You’ll need to earn it.”

“I will,” he promised, his voice resolute. “I won’t let you down this time.”

As I hung up, the silence of the studio wrapped around me, familiar and comforting, but now tinged with a cautious hope. I had found my peace, but maybe—just maybe—I could open the door to something new. The ache in my heart remained, but now it held the promise of healing and the possibility of love rediscovered.

[morlock-holmes]

re: racists saying (in effect) “we gotta get ‘em before they get us”

and your comment that ”I just find the inversion of the power relationship so baffling.”

this isn’t at all meant to be derogatory, but I think you’re still looking at this from a leftist/liberal/sociology department type perspective. It’s not about the power dynamic, it’s about tribalism. Yes, if the power dynamic was reversed, they’d be even more scared, but what they care about is the one-on-one power dynamic, which is fairly equal.

Eg: an individual black guy can physically hurt you, regardless of your respective levels of privilege. Your privileged position might affect how he is treated afterwards, but you still got beat up, mugged, your sister or cousin got hurt, etc.

There’s another wrinkle where both black people and white people are somewhat seen as representatives of tribes/nations, so any black on white crime is emotionally received as a declaration of war by a hostile group. Like, if a group of young black men does a major crime it feels like a threat to all white people everywhere. The racist-identified guys I interacted with online in 2019 were absolutely ready to go to war over Tessa Majors’ murder.

The idea that black people might feel the same way about white people is essentially irrelevant in this worldview, it’s our tribe vs. their tribe. It isn’t just white racists, tbh, the history of sectarian violence worldwide suggests that this is just kinda how many people operate. Look at France and Germany, 500 years of on and off warfare over who gets to have the land where the Duchy of Burgundy used to be. Or the Balkans, or some of the really vicious tribal warfare in the Americas, Africa, etc.

A lot of racists operate from this type of tribal mindset. It’s very pre-20th century, so if you can’t emotionally relate to it, it’s hard to explain. I’m not particularly racist in my own life, and my family is very liberal/progressive, but I was apparently born with some of that knee-jerk tribal impulse, so it’s easier for me to understand the anxiety these guys are experiencing, but hard to verbalize it. Siege mentality is shit to live under, I’d feel bad for these guys if they didn’t keep ending up being led by their ethnic issues into voting for assholes.

As an aside, you mention a hypothetical black man who tweets out “you couldn’t pay me to date outside my race”. The kind of racists I’m talking about would love that guy, or at least tolerate him more than a lot of other black people. TBH, if all interracial porn and media depictions of interracial relationships vanished tomorrow, and everyone started dating within their race only, it’d de-radicalize a decent number of the /pol/ type RW guys. “They want to hurt us and take the women” is a hugely central RW anxiety.

I think there’s a lot of weird complicated-ness to the way that black men are stereotyped as hypermasculine and virile, but that most RW white men want to be hypermasculine and hyper-virile barbarians themselves. Sort of resentful envy of this theoretical alpha male that they made up?

I guess to me once you hit slavery you run into sort of "I'm very scared of this man I constantly hit with a whip and who I force at gunpoint to remain in close proximity to me." Which, yeah I guess that's always going to be foreign to me.

You could just let him leave, that's an option.

Also going back to paranoid thinking, this leaves you with goals that you cannot possibly achieve which seems like a problem to me.

[chnt-confessions]

i think i'm the only person in the entire fandom that has any genuine empathy for elijah, and i'm stuck thinking there's something deeply wrong with me for that. i feel like quite a lot of people split black on him (and joshua) and then split white on jedidiah, and sydney. the ONLY two options are to dehumanize or objectify him. no hate to jedidiah-likers, but jedidiah is not a victim. he doesn't act entirely the way he does because of trauma, he acts that way because he implicitly looks down on sydney. what kind of man jeopardizes the entire world for a man that he let gravely sick in the first place, only to gaslight and neglect him?? all this because of mommy and daddy issues that, like, 70% of the population has?? i had to headcanon extra issues and trauma for him to just to keep myself sane. i don't mean to invalidate his trauma, but he has lived such a privileged life and can easily go to therapy and yet. i'm sorry but it's bojack-horseman levels of "how tf do you expect me to feel bad for you? lmao." like, i need him to get better because people will likely die if he gets any worse, but other than i couldn't care less about this guy. i'm way more sympathetic to sydney because he's trying his best but he seems to have an empathy deficiency of some kind (it's not his fault but it is painfully obvious sometimes and i wish i could fix him but i have to fix myself first because i also deal with this); i also relate to the "feeling unlovable" aspect of things.

we have only seen elijah at his worst. the elephant man is elijah "mental breakdown, 2 years and counting psychotic episode" core; did everyone just assume he was born like that? and if he was, that would also make me sad tbh. he had a similar upbringing to jedidiah and yet he does not show it at all and i'm wondering what tf was different. he also generally sucks at being a villain sometimes (i.e. telling sydney his weakness, letting sydney go back to jedidiah, reacting way better than most people would when sydney told him that he couldn't get the journals). when jedidiah says "sydney, you're always fine." vs when elijah says it; jedidiah said it to gaslight sydney and because he feels bitter about the fact he's working so hard to keep sydney alive and can't use it to manipulate him (i'm joking but i'm also not joking), while elijah was just being a little acolyte and also he's symbolically the earth, so when he says the earth will catch him when he falls, he is fr. idk what snapped in him with the murder-suicide thing but considering that he is the earth, and unfortunately due to sydney's weird little mind and jedidiah's horribleness, the earth is, like, post-apocalyptic now so it probably has something to do with that (idk why he switched from stabbing to burning alive; probably cuz of the theatrics/j). anyway, he does suck and he needs to go back to russia and never come back for everyone's good, but i really do think he would be better than jedidiah could ever be (yes, even with therapy; i'm literally speaking facts/hj) if "everyday [wasn't] a living fucking nightmare." and i'm constantly like "._." whenever i remember that jedidiah is the reason "everyday is a living fucking nightmare." also i really wanna see someone do elijah/the elephant man analysis/interpretation that doesn't reek of disgust and hatred (or lust; do whatever you want, but i'm judging you rn), just for variety tbh. here is his official playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/389N5sUULTXFC63I3CSn7c?si=756dacaa18cd491c some of the songs in here are, like, "???" and i want to see someone's else's take on them (even elijah haters tbh) sorry for the essay, that's all i wanted to say :)

also im so happy that i can say this anonymously, thank you chnt-confessions for doing god's work, i love you platonically <3

(ABOUT THE LAST PART) no need to apologize and I'm really glad to make you happy!!

[ofeverykinnetre]

Some random fashion/hairstyle/accessory headcanons for asoiaf. total and complete mashup of historical periods of the middle ages

I think women in the Stormlands are all about those wimples, snoods, cauls, etc cause you know, wind and all that. I think the higher up the chain of nobility a woman gets, the less she covers her hair up - it shows a pretty high level of wealth and privilege to have the time to sit for hours while a servant pins hair up in an elaborate style made to hold in the wind. As well as the privilege noble ladies have of being able to just go inside when the weather is stormy, as opposed to smallfolk who potentially don’t have that option when they’re running farms and shops (and therefore need something to hold their hair with little effort 24/7)

I think the Riverlands are pretty similar to the Stormlands in that they are generally a more practical sort of people, and wealth is displayed more through impractical items to wear and/or make. Fuckoff big and weird headgear, ruffs that take a lot of time and fabric to make, farthingales (even if that is pushing it on the “middle ages” time period) and especially French farthingales on special occasions

Westerlands on the other hand? It’s precious metals, jewelry, gemstones embroidered into clothing, gold braid, velvet, fur, every ostentatious display of wealth you can think of. I also like them wearing farthingales, since they’re right next to the Riverlands and I like them in similar but slightly different styles (for reasons that will go in another post). In general I also like the idea that clothing gets less structured as one gets further south, so the Riverlands and Westerlands are the only ones wearing farthingales

The Reach is a very romantic culture, so I think the women there would want to show off their hair while still staying within the realm of Westerosi modesty. Unmarried women wear their hair “down” but still held back with braids in some way, while married women wear something close to a balzo so they can show their hair while still keeping it “covered”. The Reach is a pretty big region, so as you get closer to the Riverlands you start to see some escoffions, as you get closer to the Stormlands you start to see more elaborate braids and cauls, etc.

So we been knew that Iron Islanders are Vikings but I do actually love Viking clothing for them specifically because of the little brooches/pins/patches they wear to hold the straps on their strap dresses. Vikings historically would have used these to attach and carry various items, and it does feel very Iron Islands for their few bits of decoration to also serve a practical purpose.

[literaticat]

Publishing is notoriously competitive and difficult--I've been hearing other authors and publishing people saying it's now harder than it's ever been to get published.

I'm not daunted! This path is hard periodt. But I'm more like wondering to myself "Is it really harder than ever to get published?"

I would love your thoughts.

That doesn't really resonate with me.

It's always been extremely difficult. It's weird to me that anyone would think otherwise. We know that being a successful actor or musician or athlete is difficult -- so, too, is being a professional writer. It just *feels* different, maybe, because people think "anyone can write." Sure, just like just nearly anyone CAN bounce a basketball -- that doesn't mean most people are good enough at it to be a Laker!

In the past (like, 20 years ago and earlier), there were IMO many more hurdles in publishing. Like you think "Publishing So White" *now*??? What about in the 20th century, or before then?

Back then, before the dawn of the computer age, the pool of people trying to be writers was probably a lot smaller. BUT, most people who were successful probably went to certain schools and knew certain people and had a certain kind of background and a certain amount of privilege. But without those things? Ehhhhh. The barrier to entry was pretty high.

Just... logistically, in terms of *steps* to it all. ALL THAT TYPING. The research? If you weren't connected AT ALL, you hadn't been to a "good school" or anything, you didn't have a professor or somebody to emulate -- how would you even know where to begin? You could DO it, it just would take a lot of time to figure it all out and it wouldn't be "easy" by any means. The postage alone would have been a problem!

Now there is much more broad, readily available and FREE access to all kinds of information about writing and publishing -- querying and submissions are free, and pretty simple -- you don't have to lug around a heavy-ass typewriter -- you don't have to go to a certain school or know certain people (I mean, you still CAN do those things, but you don't HAVE to). There are more options than ever in terms of what publishing looks like, and the barriers for entry for people who want to attempt it have been lowered to the point of barely being a speed bump.

This does of course mean that there are more people than ever TRYING to get published, so maybe it is "more competitive", but IMO, it's definitely not more difficult in a literal sense.

Annnnd.... I also don't really believe in the "competitive" part, so much. Like, yes, a LOT of people want to get published, few ever will be. BUT, I don't think of those other people as your competition. That implies that you are up against a bunch of other people in a race or something and only one can "win" and everyone else "loses."

I'm thinking it's more like, authors are poppy farmers, and manuscripts are a vast field of pink poppies. They are all shades of pink, mostly pretty light, but some are hot pink, some are orange-red, and some are RED-red. The reddest ones get picked. Sometimes ones that are very hot pink or orange-red get picked, too. There's no limit to the number of red ones that CAN get picked, it's just that there are only a few RED red ones. The more poppies there are, the more red ones there are, and the choosier the picker can be about getting the reddest of the red.

Lots of people are not great at poppy farming. They get a case of poppy-mildew, or their poppies come up scraggly and weird, and they give up. The successful poppy farmers are the ones who research poppy variants and poppy care, who take the time to water and weed and all that stuff, who learn about how to get the reddest poppies and implement that knowledge. They aren't really "competing" with other poppy farmers per se -- rather, they are striving to to be the best possible poppy farmers they can be. And most of all -- THEY KEEP FARMING.

[lucysweatslove]

Can’t sleep tonight…

One part of it is anxiety over my exam. I know the less sleep I get now, the less well I’ll do tomorrow. But there’s a growing pit in my stomach of what-ifs. I think this is because this will be my first pin exam in med school where I’m not alone taking it. I get low-distraction accommodations and because 3 of my classmates this year also have that accommodation, we are all going to be taking it together (I assume it’s too difficult to do each of us individually).

Have I ever done SUPER SUPER poorly on an exam? No not really. I mean I have gotten Ds on individual exams before, but I can usually remember SOMETHING even at my worst. But… i don’t really trust that the exam will be sufficiently low stimulus for me. Thats what I need- not low distraction but low stimulus. I turn lights off for regular exams, have lights lower than normal for pin exams, etc. The sound and visual shuffling of other students is distracting to me very much so… idk. I may draw blanks on words solely because even 3 other students is too many.

I’m also thinking a lot about identities lately and my glasses and queerness in general and like… idk. I’m realizing that I will never feel safe sharing all of my identities with my family and thus I really can’t share them professionally or publicly either… I’ve had they/them and bi flag hearts in my profile here for a bit and honestly that’s causing me stress too because what if people see and have shit to say?

It sounds so silly to me when there are people in much worse situations, but I’m actually fearful of my family’s likely invalidating responses. Sometimes I think I’d like to change the pronouns on my email signature for school, but then I think about how that would show up on other material and get back to my parents… and I really hate that as a 31 yo adult, I’m worried about that.

There is also sadness in me that I can’t even tell my husband. I know he’d have questions and I’m worried that it will cause some issues. Gender wise it can be a big thing because he doesn’t really “get” differing gender experiences. Before I had correct terms and realized how much I like they/them, I told him I don’t really identify with womanhood as a gender and thus considered myself “cis by default” because I also didn’t identify at all with masculinity and manhood. I think it’s also complicated by how feminine I am in general, how I don’t have chest dysphoria, etc. I can realize now a lot of the “cis by default” was rooted in my compulsory cishet upbringing, but I don’t think this is a distinction my husband can fully understand or appreciate. And regarding the bisexuality (which maybe could be expanded but idk), I’d have to explain that I started feeling attracted to my best friend and that got me to realize I am capable of attraction to feminine bodies too. Which should be totally okay but I think it would be a bigger thing for him about how all of that went down. Which… wasn’t really anything tbh. I’m demi, more on the ace side, developed a close friendship, and was like “oh this is physical attraction” and that was it. But because it’s so RARE for me, and our marriage has been kinda rocky esp with me having like no desire lately, I can see him spiraling a little with it.

It’s weird for me rn too because on one hand I accept myself and know I have privilege because of how “cishet” passing I am. I present very feminine and have no gender-related body dysphoria. I had some last year but seriously just using they/them pronouns is enough for me most of the time. I’d like to use them in other areas of my life, but my pronouns rarely come up day to day so I hardly notice it. I’m also married to a cisgender man and have no intention on that changing. Sometimes I get a little sad that I don’t have options to explore my sexuality- it’s a part of me I’ll never fully know- but not exploring that because I’m happy in my marriage also means I don’t ever HAVE to come out and that’s a privilege too. It’s a weird duality where I recognize the privilege I have in being able to stay closeted to protect myself, and I recognize how shitty it feels to have to stay closeted to protect myself.

This is part of why I like dogs/animals. They literally give 0 shits about pronouns and identities. It’s not something they even consider. They just want their needs met and to be loved and that’s it.

I wish identities could be like that with everybody tbh. Not that they’re not important, but that they’re inherently neutral facts about me.

Anyway exam is in less than 6 hours how so hopefully I can get like 3 hours of sleep 😂

[coeluvr]

Hey, thanks for answering!

Another question related to one of the other asks. You said this: "I do plan on making MC kind of go through what a lot of us go through and I'm excited for MC to feel angry or sad that they will never truly belong in what used to be their home as much as they'd like to."

Will we get the opportunity to have the MC be at ease with who they are because who you are doesn't depend on where you were born or where you live? I mean, not everyone thinks like that, but I certainly do.

I'm in a sort of similar situation in the regard that my whole family is in a country I only visited for holidays, and I left my birth country at 7 years old and was never truly integrated in the country I moved to. Then as an adult I moved again and now I'm literally alone in the country I moved to. But I never ever felt bad about any of this. I indeed don't feel like I "belong" to any of these countries because I "belong" everywhere and nowhere. Like, I feel like I'm not "chained" by a culture or a country or anything. Like I have the privilege of having the mindset and beliefs I want with no shackles. I wouldn't want it to be any different.

So it would be very alienating to have the MC be forced to be sad or angry about something that is so liberating and happy to me I guess? Sort of like "the way you feel is weird and not really valid" in a way? I had people telling me literally that IRL and it stung! Especially since we get a fair share of freedom of choice about what MC thinks and feels in general!

Short answer: No that won't be possible.

Long answer: I think while people can relate to MC and their struggles in one way or another, I have to say that MC is my character at core and will be limited by me sometimes.

That being said, I think while most of us have the freedom and autonomy to do as they want to do with their lives, MC does not. MC was taken from their home and does feel like their home no longer exists. MC is caged and shackled.

Unlike this room, your home will never be brought back to life. As you gaze around the room, the anger builds within you. It seems unfair that this room is so well-kept, while your childhood home was taken from you so brutally. The palace may have been rebuilt, but it is no longer your home. It is merely a palace. - Chapter 2

While the anger can dissipate through the years, there will always be a part of MC that just feels like they have nowhere to return to even if they escape their gilded cage of a life. And in Chapter 2, Rosea does not feel like home.

The player will have basically 3 options regarding how MC feels:

Feel sad and feel like they don't anywhere

Feel angry and feel like they don't anywhere

Feel like they belong in Rosea and not in Vesphire due to all the time they lived there and despite all the hardships.

Will we get the opportunity to have the MC be at ease with who they are because who you are doesn't depend on where you were born or where you live?

I think this is a very "sane" take on things like it's very rational and I think MC is still not that rational about their past. You can 100% end the story with MC feeling this way but I want MC to go through some growth and some character arcs and being so "normal" right away is not the way I want to do things.

I'm not saying you're not valid or anything, it's just I'm the author and this is how I want things to be. I want MC to grow, to change, and come to the conclusion you have after a while.

I do want to say just because I gave a lot of freedom in terms of MC's other aspects, does not mean I have to give complete freedom regarding everything. ^^

[danielagainsttheuniverse]

Ode to You

I swallowed the universe to hold you closer.

I became everything so that we could keep living forever, and even though it’s not the same as it used to be, I don’t regret it.

Don’t get me wrong. I mourn what I used to be. I remember what it felt like to be truly human. To hold you to my chest and show you it was okay to be afraid, that I’d protect you no matter what.

I remember the sounds of our laughs. The stupid puns I would make in an attempt to make you smile when you were feeling down. You were always much more clever with your humor—dry and calculated, and usually spot on with your comparisons.

I miss the feeling of being useful in a way you could rely upon. The routine of waking up, making breakfast, and getting you to school. It was tiresome, but it kept me grounded. It reminded me that we were okay. Life would go on because I knew the next morning I would get up and you would be there. That was what I lived for.

I wish that we had spent more time doing things together. I wish I asked you more about your favorite things. What about dragons? Do you like the ones that are long and snake-like, with a furry mane? Or did you prefer the ones with wings for arms— “Wyverns,” you once told me. I never knew dragons had classifications, but you always had something to teach me.

I want to know what you would have done if you had grown up. Would you have been an artist? Or maybe a teacher? Or…Maybe an art teacher? I wanted to see you flourish, be happy, maybe even love someone else if you wanted to. They’d have to meet some high standards before dating was even an option, but I’m sure we could have figured something out.

Of course, that’s not how it went. Instead I made a sacrifice. The world—the galaxy—the *universe* buckled and shattered as it reshaped into me.

I can see it all. Stars and planets, every moon, every pebble floating in the abyss. The strands of time all trace back to where we began, in our original universe. Where I split the threads of our beings, our essences, and time itself into an endless multiverse.

There are versions of us in every single one of them.

Even past the screen, we exist in the recesses of peoples minds. In everything, you can see a little bit of us. It’s a blessing and a curse.

On one hand, I see you everywhere. You’re always near me because I can find you in every timeline. From the one located near my heart (It’s one of my favorites because we’re all cowboys) all the way to the farthest at the tip of my tail (the zombie dystopia…you know the one).

On the other hand…I’ve never felt so alone. It’s not like I didn’t deal with loneliness while I was human, but this is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.

Do you know that feeling, when you’re in a room with a bunch of people, but you still feel alone?

Like everyone’s talking to each other and you can’t get out of your head long enough to join the discussion?

Or maybe it’s just that you don’t feel like you can truly be yourself with so many others around. So many potential rejections if you don’t perform the subtle act of conversation correctly.

I realize now that like all feelings, that was a privilege.

Because at least back then there were still people to be lonely around.

Now that I’m here by myself, I find that I like to pretend you’re talking to me in my head, to imagine how you would respond to what I’d say. A lot of that comes in the form of your quippy humor.

I think you would love the poetic irony of this. Something about how usually gods are the ones being prayed to, not the ones doing the praying.

And I’d say, “I’m not technically a god, I’m more than a god because I am the force of creation and the container of all that is known and unknown, including time, all universes, and everything!”

and you probably wouldn’t know how to respond to that—Because let’s be honest, that’s a lot to lay on anybody.

So, I don’t know. I want to imagine that maybe somehow this gets to one of your many versions in it’s own cosmic weird way.

I hope you can forgive me.

[leche-flandom]

leche-flandom in the uk: the flights

HOKAY so first things first:

Flying first class? Insane. Absurdly privileged. I'm addicted.

At the airport, I was not interested in hanging out at the first class lounge but my husband insisted that I go check it out when I tried to join them at the food court. I wasn't impressed with the free food tbh. I think the main draw is the free booze? I counted two bars but then again I only stayed on the first floor. I didn't feel like drinking though, since I knew there'd be drinks on the flight. But but but people on Reddit said that the brownies are decent; they also said it's frowned upon to bring the food out with you. With this in mind, I had packed some sandwich bags in my purse. When the servers weren't looking, I stuffed some desserts in them for the kid. Leche-flandom does mild subversion.

Then there was the flight! It was kinda bizarre to always fly economy and then surpass comfort+, first class, first premier class, etc...all the way up to a pod. There's that tumblr post about good bologna. I good bologna-ed up to my little private cabin in the front of the plane, where they had freakin mood lighting and where I was already wowed by an overhead bin dedicated just for me, before anyone even spoke. The guy in charge went, "Welcome back Ms. Flandom" (welcome back bc I've flown that airline before, I guess? And they ALL do that, all call you by your name, so weird) "thank you so much for choosing to fly with us. Would you like sparkling wine?" Heck yes I would!

The seat was fun, and kinda reminded me of how tiny homes have hide away things to save space. I texted my husband about finding a mirror, lol.

Dinner was short rib and grits from a popular barbecue restaurant. And whew, I spent FIFTEEN minutes intermittently trying to figure out how to get out the fold away table and utterly failed. Thank goodness for the flight attendant who casually pushed it in first to release it. Then he unfolded it and put a tiny white table cloth on it. I didn't laugh, but it was a near thing.

Then the attendant walked around offering a tray of tiramisu and ice cream sundaes!

So I had wine, ice cream, and "The Mummy" going on. I was able to recline my seat into a bed. They gave me a little kit with slippers, socks, lip balm, hand cream and a toothbrush/toothpaste set. Life was good.

I didn't think flying could get any better. But then when we left the UK/Europe, I flew first class on KLM (which tracks, because when we've flown basic with KLM before, we were surprised by how much nicer it was).

Before I even sat down the flight attendant offered to take my coat so I wouldn't have to stow it in the overhead bin. AND their seats are diagonal so I got not one but two windows!

They also had a little cabinet next to the seat, full of free things like an eye mask and water, but also with space for my stuff too. Really that was my favorite part, being able to have my things on hand instead of reaching for my backpack.

When I was disinfecting everything I accidentally turned my screen Russian. My Google lens wasn't working so I took a wild stab at it, chose one option, and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw it return to English so I wouldn't have to notify the staff that I was a complete idiot. I had already accidentally pressed the button to recline my seat into a bed twice at that point (crushing my backpack a little ha)

The food was probably good but I've the boring palate of a uncultured child, so I didn't like it. It was nice that they came around with a warm bread basket with white and brown choices though!

Cannot get over how nice the flight attendant was! Like at one point she was starting the beverage service and when she got to me I asked her where the restroom was. She pointed it out and then asked, "Do you want to wait until after you go to get your drink?" And I went...sure? So she just backed that cart up and seriously waited til I was settled to start service again. WHAT?

And the same flight attendant seemed kinda disappointed I refused a coffee or port or anything else with my dessert (which was a mango chocolate thing of a jiggly texture, did not like). She left but then later came back and said, "Maybe you would be interested in one of these?" Then she opened a huge box of white, milk, and dark chocolates shaped like little Dutch houses!

An hour or so before landing, they gave us a small poke bowl (which I'm sure was very enjoyable to mature adults) and ravioli. I really liked this chocolate thing!

The most cuckoo bananas part was right before we landed. This guy came around with a tray holding a little village. Apparently, they like to give KLM first class fliers these adorable Dutch houses as souvenirs! Again, WHAT? That's so nice, I was flabbergasted! Because my backpack was stuffed, I chose the smallest one.

Just to be clear, I'm not detailing all this to brag. I just know I'll never experience this level of luxury ever again so I need to document it while it's fresh in my mind. That way when I'm decrepit I'll have these posts to look back on 🤗