#I have started to play Love Conquers All and Cassandra just being able to Do That in her normal form is funny

[crossover-enthusiast]

Has anyone made a drawing that's Pump staring at Cassandra with his cyan eyes and she stares back with her big yellow eyes

[cecaeliana]

          𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑   𝐒𝐓𝐔𝐃𝐘  :

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟎𝟎𝟏.  :   THE OUTSIDE.

NAME  :   uma asherah nautica  EYE   COLOUR  :  so brown they look black, it’s easier to see the brown in the sunlight, but indoors or on a dull day it’s impossible to tell her irises and pupils apart because they’re so black.  HAIR   STYLE   /   COLOUR  :    uma’s hair has always been teal, the bright turquoise locks one of her defining features on the isle as someone ‘not human’. she often wears it in braids, particularly box braids using black and white extensions (a nod to her mother’s colour scheme). if loose it can be straightened into ‘beach waves’ or left alone to take its natural form. natural hair ref here. HEIGHT  :     five foot three. CLOTHING   STYLE  :   pirate chic. generally quite shabby looking leather, painted turquoise and decorated with sea related paraphernalia like seashells and pearls. clothes made of not-clothing materials like sack material, spray painted to the right colour. or old ballgowns stripped to parts and sewed back together. short skirts or pants are favourable and she will never wear a dress that restricts her leg movements. a pirate hat decorated with seashells and ribbon is the crowning jewel.  BEST   PHYSICAL   FEATURE  :     everything. (the hair.)

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟎𝟎𝟐.  :   THE  INSIDE

FEARS  :    being trapped. feeling locked in. not being able to make her own decisions. not having control over things. harming someone she cares about. people leaving her. being laughed at. 

BIGGEST   PET   PEEVE  :    anyone treating her like she’s inferior. being made fun of. being treated as though she’s stupid. being underestimated. someone not listening to her instructions first time around. 

AMBITIONS   FOR   THE   FUTURE  :   to finish writing and then completing her to-do list. which basically amounts to finishing the isle renovations and making sure the residents are safe, happy, well-looked after and that the isle is a self-sustaining environment in which people can live and work happily. but also to travel the world, find exciting new places and explore them. she just wants to live free and adventure. 

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟎𝟎𝟑.  :   THOUGHTS

FIRST   THOUGHTS   WAKING   UP  :   how long was i asleep? is often uma’s first thought, she starts the day (if she’s been asleep) by checking the time and the sun and seeing how much time she spent asleep. then she gets out of bed and heads for her desk to write down any ideas and notes she’s come up with overnight. she might go and get a coffee, but more likely she’ll be pulled into writing something and completely neglect the time until someone else interrupts her, unless she has something scheduled, then she’ll make sure she’s prepared for that.  WHAT   THEY   THINK   ABOUT   MOST  :    the isle. the people on it. she spends a lot of her time thinking about how they can do it better, how they can improve, what needs to be done. it takes up most of her time. she also spends a lot of time thinking about her crew, trying to plan the best possible future for them and finding the best way to give them the adventure that they want without sacrificing what she feels like she needs to do for the isle.  WHAT   THEY   THINK   ABOUT   BEFORE   BED  :  usually she has to be lured into bed by one of her partners. so most likely her attention is on them. but once they are asleep and she’s left awake, but not wanting to wake them, she thinks about the future and how she can make it better.  WHAT   THEY   THINK   THEIR   BEST   QUALITY   IS  :    her leadership. she knows she’s a good leader, she knows she’s charismatic and wants what’s best for her people, whether that’s the isle or her crew. so she prides herself on being able to lead and being wanted. 

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟎𝟎𝟒.  :   WHAT’S BETTER ?

SINGLE   OR   GROUP   DATES  :   depends on the circumstances. because she’s poly uma likes group dates if they just include her partners (and their partners if they have them), but if it’s just her and a partner and then two or more people unattached to them, she’d want to be alone with her partner.  TO   BE   LOVED   OR   RESPECTED  :   both. she would deny any attempt to tell her that you cannot have both. in fact, to uma these things are intrinsically linked. once she might have thought you could gain respect through fear, but that’s not the same as gaining respect by gaining love. what she has been taught by her crew is that leadership out of mutual trust, understanding and love is far more effective than ruling out of fear. you cannot have true respect unless you are loved and appreciated and you cannot have true love unless you are respected. it is both or it is neither. if she could not have love she would force respect through fear- because not being respected is something that has deeply hurt her- but she wouldn’t be happy about it. 

BEAUTY   OR   BRAINS  :    brains. being able to have a conversation and being able to enjoy someone else’s personality and their views on life and the universe and everything is so much more important to uma than how aesthetically pleasing they are. (but being pretty doesn’t hurt). 

DOGS   OR   CATS   :    cats.

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟎𝟎𝟓.  :   DO THEY…

LIE  :    no. not if she can help it. uma prides herself on her complete and total honesty, even when it hurts, even when it’s something the person she’s speaking to doesn’t want to hear. she’s still honest with them. she doesn’t want to be seen as a liar and a cheat like her mother so she tries very hard to change that view of her. 

BELIEVE   IN   THEMSELVES  :    yes. uma believes in herself above all else. some days it’s the only thing she believes in. she struggles to release control to other people because she cannot believe in them, but she will always believe in herself. sometimes to the point of stupidity. 

BELIEVE   IN   LOVE  :    it’s hard not to. impossible not to, really, in a world where the idea of true love conquers all is so important and intrinsically linked into the very fabric of reality. but what she doesn’t believe in is the idea that there is only one love for any one person and that once you find it, you’re done. it’s possible to have more than one true love, just watch her prove it. 

WANT   SOMEONE  :   she’d say no, but she does, like most other people. but she does feel like she’s found it, to an extent, within her crew, within harry and gil. she has the love and support she needs. she’s not looking for something else, but that doesn’t mean she won’t find it anyway. 

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟎𝟎𝟔.  :   HAVE  THEY…

BEEN   ON   STAGE  :    yes. in the chip shoppe a lot, but also she has played violin in school recitals. DONE   DRUGS  :     yes. anything to break up the monotony of the isle. but she doesn’t like being out of control, so she really doesn’t like it all that much.  CHANGED   WHO   THEY   WERE   TO   FIT   IN  :    yes. though it’s a little more complicated than that. when mal started the chain reaction that led to her being bullied, uma had to make herself bigger, badder and scarier in order to stop people from bullying her. but it actually taught her a lot of self-confidence and turned her into the person she is now. the experience changed her. 

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟎𝟎𝟕.  :   FAVOURITES

FAVOURITE   COLOURS  :    teal and purple FAVOURITE   ANIMAL  :    sea pony. FAVOURITE   BOOK  :   difficult to say, most of the books uma has read have been incomplete or damaged in some way, but she loves greek dramas, especially the tragedies and especially anything in which there is a strong woman who was fucked over by the gods. probably anything to do with medusa or cassandra or any others. though most of these stories were probably told to her orally by her mother instead of read from a book.  FAVOURITE   GAME  :   there aren’t many games on the isle, but she’s probably best at nine man’s morris. she’d also be good at chess if she put her mind to it, but she doesn’t have the patience for a long game. she’d definitely quit long before the end of a monopoly game. 

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟎𝟎𝟖.  :   FINISH  THE  SENTENCE

I LOVE  :    myself. I FEEL  :     hopeful. I HIDE  :     from no-one. I MISS  :     the sea. I WISH  :    this was done.

TAGGED     BY     :     stolen from @hecrowned​ TAGGING     :    you!!

[thenugking]

Hi! For Amity's worldstate, please, 3, 9, 14, 17, 25

3.What would your Inquisitor generally think of your warden and your Hawke?

I haven’t played my Inquisitor for that worldstate yet but her concept is Nice Vashoth girl who makes good decisions and brings a lighter mood than Amity’s bullshit. She does Not like Amity at all, and finds the things she hears about her terrifying. I’m not sure about Griffon (the Warden in that world state yet). I suspect they’d get along and generally approve of each other.

9. Would your warden or Hawke have actually accepted the role of inquisitor if Cassandra had located them as she’d planned to? Would they have been a good leader for the Inquisition?

Griffon would absolutely not have agreed. Their whole story in Origins is about people attempting to force them into the role of Leader in a Social Setting and they’re incredibly uncomfortable with that, because it means a lot of trying to be cis and allistic and failing even apart from that, feel extremely unqualified and uncomfortable with leading the miserably while not being able to be themself either. They’re not going to go for that again, and Inquisition. They’re not Andrastian and while they support the mages, they feel like they’re too far removed from the situation to really try to bring a peace about here.

Amity would have jumped at the chance, with her number one goal being to become the most powerful person in the world. Her own personal army dedicated to stopping the mage war however she wants sounds great! She would have been a good leader in that she’s charismatic and skilled in leadership. But like, she would use the Inquisition to either enslave or genocide mages and conquer half of Thedas. Which is not so good.

14. If they’d been in each other’s places would they have made the same or different choices? And who would they have romanced, if anyone?

I don’t know about Vashoth yet except that yes she would very definitely have made different choices to Amity in DA2 because she is a decent person, and would possibly have romanced Merrill? Griffon is also a decent person and would have supported mages (and Anders and Justice) in everything and would probably have romanced Fenris or Isabela. They’re not really into any of the Inquisition romance options. Their main choices in Inquisition would be ally with the mages, recruit the Grey Wardens, have Briala rule Orlais, and find an elf to drink from the Well of Sorrows. They also wouldn’t kill any of the dragons because dragons are good and wonderful. I think they actually get the Pools of Sun turned into a wildlife sanctuary sometime before Inquisition. No hurting dragons there allowed.

It is really fun discussing Amity in other games though, so have a Lot of rambling about that. Apart from trying to take over Thedas, Amity as Inquisitor would go to the mages because she wants them, rather than the templars, under her control and would conscript them into the Inquisition. She’d recruit the Wardens to have them under her control too, and set up the alliance between Celene, Gaspard and Briala and try to use the blackmail information she had to control them all, while playing them off against each other. I’m not sure about the Well of Sorrows, if possible, she’d get someone she felt was harmless and who she could easily control to drink.

Regrettably, Amity is attracted to Solas and Dorian. She’s not interested in Blackwall at all until after the Reveal, when he sits in his cell full of self loathing and feeling very easy to manipulate and abuse, and then he’s really hot. Whatever “romance” she goes for will Not go well. Also, Amity would never see Cole because he takes one look at her and goes “NOPE”. He sticks around at the Inquisition and helps all the people she’s abusing see they still have worth and don’t deserve to be treated like this. And now I really love this idea and want to make a villain Inquisitor to do this with and I’m struggling to come up with a concept that’s as awful as Amity without just being Amity 2.0, oops.

Her decisions in Origins are harder because she can’t really see a reason to make many of the “bad” decisions. She’d save Redcliffe and be a Hero to them and then let Isolde sacrifice herself for Connor so she can tell Connor all about how his mum’s death and the shit that happened in Redcliffe was all his fault and make him hate himself. She’s swaying towards Harrowmont for Orzammar, because he’ll keep the casteless down and seems easier to manipulate, but she’d easily go for Bhelen instead if she thought that would make her look better, because she’s not intending to come back to Orzammar, so it doesn’t really matter what’s going on there. She also doesn’t see any reason to keep the Anvil of the Void, sure, it could make people suffer, but she doesn’t need to visit Orzammar to watch people suffer, so it’s better just to kill Branka to watch Oghren suffer right now, and be able to guilt him over his part in it.

I’m really not sure what she does with the werewolves and elves. Like, sure, she’s racist towards elves and would like to kill them but she also feels the same way about the werewolves. I think it comes down to whether she thinks she can’t justify genociding the Dalish enough to make her companions not realise she’s awful, or whether she’d rather hurt Zevran a lot. It could go either way. Amity wouldn’t desecrate the Urn because there’s no benefit to that. She’d kill Loghain because he could be dangerous and she wants to keep Alistair onside, and she’d make Alistair king, if possible with herself as queen.

She thinks Alistair and Zevran are both very good romance options (by which we mean very easy to abuse) but in the end I think she’d go with romancing Alistair, but fucking Zev because he did swear an oath to her. And then, presuming she treats Alistair the same way she treated Anders, things get Interesting, because there’s no way she’s going to let someone who belongs to Her fuck Morrigan. Which, in Amity’s opinion, means there are four ways the end of the game could go.

Alistair kills the Archdemon and dies. Amity loses both her favourite toy and her shot at being queen, while Alistair is remembered as a great hero.

Alistair kills the Archdemon but Riordan is wrong. Alistair survives and is held up as a great hero, surpassing Amity.

Amity kills the Archdemon and dies. This sucks for her, but she’ll be remembered as a great hero and if she guilts Alistair about it before she goes, he’ll hate himself for ages and potentially never get over her. So all in all it’s about as bad as option 2.

Amity kills the Archdemon but Riordan is wrong. She survives and gets everything.

So that’s how the actual worst person in the world would end up doing the Ultimate Sacrifice. It’s also how the Blight doesn’t actually end, because like the Darkspawn, Amity doesn’t have a soul.

17. If Origins and Inquisition had the 3 personalities (Diplomatic, Sarcastic, Aggressive) which would your warden and inquisitor have predominantly been? And what one did your Hawke have?

I suspect my Vashoth is going to be mostly diplomatic. Griffon would likely be a mix of diplomatic and direct-red. They’re not very aggressive but they don’t understand why they can’t just say what they mean. Amity was almost exclusively sarcastic; she’s just everyone’s good mate who tells shitty jokes and doesn’t take anything seriously, and not a total monster at all!!

25. What is/was their relationship with their family like?

I don’t know about my Vashoth yet. Amity gets along well with her family to make her life easier. She doesn’t give a shit about Leandra and Carver though, because there are very few people she actually gives a shit about at all. She’s delighted when Leandra gets kidnapped by a murderous blood mage because this gives her an excuse to be even grosser to mages, and wastes time looking for Leandra to raise the chance of her being dead by the time Amity got to her. She hates Bethany probably more than she hates anyone. Bethany got magic that gave her power Amity didn’t have, and their parents’ desire to protect their mage daughter dragged Amity back for years.

Griffon’s relationship with their family is not great. At the start of the game, they’re trying to be a good daughter but not even managing to be a daughter at all, and their parents aren’t willing to consider that their child isn’t allistic or cis. There’s a lot of stuff like having to wear fancy dresses that give Griffon dysphoria and unpleasant sensory stimulation, and then Griffon has a meltdown and their parents get disappointed in them for behaving like a child and embarrassing everyone.

Griffon loves their family though and is distraught about their deaths. They continue to try and be a Good Noble Girl to honour their family’s wishes, letting Eamon arrange for them to be married to Alistair (so that he can rule through Two easily manipulated politically un-savvy people) until the end of the game. At the end, they let themself free of what their parents and Eamon and everyone else wants, and go to rebuild the Wardens and marry Zevran. They’re very happy to discover Fergus survived, as well as relieved that he can now rule Highever instead of them, but let him know that they’re Griffon and they/them now, and if he can’t deal with that then they’re not going to get along anymore, sorry.

[evangelineartemiasamos]

Red Queen Fan Fiction Black Storm Extra: Harvest Moon part II

First part

info dump on original characters you will need this I guess

Seriously, I thought very long about if I should post this. People might feel bad about reading such a story. But I think I should offer this story to those who are interested. Please notice that I don't intend to offer perfect solutions or to shame people. This is the story of one fictional character and her way to cope.

Warning! Mentioning of sexual violence. Warning! Proceed with caution

 Set in December during King's Cage, apart from the flashbacks

Cassandra POV

 My family believes in ghosts. There's our one legendary ancestress, Lisa Corvin, the Siren and the Sacrifice, the bride and the murderer and the murdered one. Our disembodied guardian. Many daughters have been named for her, in more or less creative ways. She's still around us, the more superstitious relatives claim, but all us of revere her, the young girl who killed her husband with only one word. I cherish her too, how could I not, as I am a relentless murderer myself. Lisa Corvin is the goddess of death who has walked this path before me.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 The invasion of the Lakelands went well for three days. It was a small-scale attack, to be honest, and probably the reason of the eventual failure. Our team of twenty soldiers, all Reds except a skinhealer, my brother Roman and me, walked for the first two days, stormed a Red village at night and chased off the local Reds. We couldn't bring ourselves to kill them at that point, which wasn't the smartest idea in hindsight.

Because the Lakelanders fought back. Our position wasn't secure and as we patrolled our "conquered" lands, I, prowling alone, was the first to notice the Silver hunters of the enemy.

Yet there wasn't much for me to notice before they shot me.

There have been four of them, and it were four bullets that crossed my abdomen. I didn't know if each of them had hit me, but as I fell down, I used those bullets to kill them instead.

They were my first victims and still, I laid down to die, bleeding and helpless unless someone came for me. So I helped myself.

That might have been the most important moment of my life, when I faced death and fought her with all I had. I summoned powers I didn't know I possessed, monitoring my fading body functions to stop the bleedings, to remain breathing, to keep my heart beating. Maybe my powers could've awakened later on as well, maybe they could've been triggered by another, less dangerous event. It didn't matter because this wasn't only about the new level of my powers afterwards. It was about fear. Until my brother found me and brought me to the inexperienced skinhealer, I'd learned what it was to die. But I had persisted, my mind had surpassed my body. I'd defeated death and I felt like I was able to defeat everything afterwards.

 As better healers took care of my wounds after out retreat, they noticed the lack of an uterus in my body, rendering me unsuitable for marriage to most nobles. I was too young to be disappointed but I knew what it meant nonetheless. I wondered if that was the moment my mother would finally give up on me, the one mistake she'd ever allowed herself.

But when she came for me, what I saw in her face was a mix of worry and relief. She apologized to me. She rued what she'd done to me, sending be into battle at age 12, and, what shocked me most of all, she felt ashamed for having estranged me from my father. I hadn't known how it felt to be loved until that moment.

I met my father more often, afterwards. Yet when I saw him with his baby daughter Samantha, I wondered if he would've even noticed my demise when he'd just had another daughter, this time with a woman he really loved. I didn't want to lose him again, though, nor my little sister. I wanted to be part of their lives, even as I became a sentinel, and I lost more and more parts of myself in order to turn myself into a soldier.

I learned to employ minute control and the sense of motion of my ability whenever I wanted. Thus I kept a broken jar in my room, a piece of china I held in shape alone with thoughts from the back of my mind. I finally managed to hold up to the other Silvers who were stronger than me by birth. And becoming a stronger fighter was all I had at that time. I grew arrogant and boastful. I told stories about how I'd received the scars I didn't want the healers to erase.

"My ability had vanquished death."

"I saw the goddess of death and I chased her away."

"I looked into the eyes of the goddess of death and she looked back. This gaze endured so long that the abyss of death has carved itself into my soul and that is how I became the deadliest person in Norta."

My powers grew just like these dramatic stories. Or it was the other way round: I had to invent even grander metaphors to keep them up with my increasing skills.  

 I started to be called Queen of Limbs when I was fourteen and I fought with a strongarm on a First Friday. I'm a frequent contestant in those events, until now. That day, I used my quicker pace to escape his attack while shooting throwing stars at him, but it wasn't enough once he had me in his grip. I couldn't fight his strength and I felt my bones breaking, yet I didn't relent. Even with my body incapitated, I still had my mind. As I gasped for pain and breaths, I imagined his limbs twisting and turning until I saw only stars and blackness. Till he gave in, screaming out himself, and had me drop to the ground. While I was a double-edged sword, a weapon by body and brain, he was unable to fight if injured too hard. Despite my own wounds, despite being close to barfing from power overuse, I heaved myself up, forcing my broken legs to work so I could walk out of the arena victorious and with my head held high.

There was a huge difference between my family life and the profession I strived to live up to. I was a girl cleaved in two. I pretended things with my family were the same as ever, I had fun, wore pretty dresses and laughed. I ignored what happened during sentinel trainings, as I ignored that I was no longer innocent but a murderer even if it had been self-defense.

But Firebird and Sorata continued to be the most important persons in my life, friends I could trust with my issues when I dared to speak and relive them again.

 They were the only friends I ever had. We got into trouble and when stuff got bad, I got sent away. Basically.

I put my white dress on that night, dancing in the dark in the pale moonlight, barefoot in our town house garden while Firbird did the same. She looked as stunning as ever. Her beauty wasn't rooted in perfection yet to me, she was the prettiest girl I knew. She was fitting well into the verdant garden like the hummingbird she was with her aquiline nose, dark olive skin, rich make-up and her colourful, flowery dress. This party was a return to the paradise of our childhood, if we only tried hard enough. It was our present to each other, but mostly to Sorata. It was his birthday and we celebrated him, the Red boy, as our equal. To Firebird and me, he had never been anything else: not even then, after we'd spent five years at court, interacting with other Silver children, fighting in their wars and learning our lessons of supremacy. We longed to be disobdient, non-conformity was  written in our souls, yearning to be lived out, a feeling any teenager has to be familiar with, Silver ones as well. And Sorata meant even more to me.

It was an evening of stargazing, as the fragrances of summer, grass, grills and Mother's cigarettes hung in the air. We were drinking cherry schnapps in the velvet night, booze Firebird had snatched for us, even though we could get away with only so much. As the night wore on, I started to lean against Sorata while he played with my hair. Sometimes I moved the tresses around like snakes to tickle and caress him as well, and the play became bolder by the minute. We were an inch from kissing as Firebird raised her voice.

"Aren't you named for the sky, Sorata?"

She gave us only a glance as the contemplated the night sky. Yet Sorata coughed before he answered. "Yes," another cough, " that's right. Sky, or void. Vacuum. It's from an old tongue, from across the seas. Japanese."

I was stunned. "Really? I thought most of those relicts are gone?"

He shrugged. "My parents' ancestors came from there. Of both, I mean. Wonder if they'd noticed, and told each other the same myths." He laughed this off, as he was used to when talking about his family. His father had died long ago and his mother wasn't the most affectionate, even by Silver standards. Something stood between them.

Firebird nodded gravely. "It's good to remember. And it's a beautiful name."

"All of you have 'old' names, don't you Cassie?"

I blinked. "Yes, we do?" I realized I haven't let go if his shirt. I was practically sitting in his lap and I wanted to get closer still. Sorata knew and it made him nervous, blushingly nervous. He stroked my back, and I laid my head on his shoulder. He fit me better than my favourite sweater and Firebird was done with interrupting us. It didn't take us much longer to start kissing. And more. We were young and in love and in the end, we became each other's firsts, with nothing to rue. It was freedom, as much we were allowed to have. If we kept a low profile.

That was where the beginning of the end began, everybody knew that we had too much fun.

Enough people noticed. Some Silvers indeed kept Red paramours, but that wasn't what I wanted for Sorata and me, as nobles looked down upon either. Mother reminded me of this as well, frequently. Saying I had too much to lose to begin with. As did Sorata, she claimed, and her black eyes gleamed mean, envisioning what the more sadistic Silvers did to Reds who forgot their places, like by being in love with a Silver. She told me of one example and I gave in.

Sometimes love was not enough and the road got tough.

So it happened that Firebird and I went on a diplomatic mission to the Lakelands. A terrible decision, to be honest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seven is the number of men I’d had sex with. One was the boy I love, five were fellow sentinels. It isn’t an extremely large number, but apparently too many for a 20-year-old, or so some people thought, those who called me names for that. I claim not to care about that and on most days, I don’t. Consensual sex is nothing to be ashamed about and my ex-boyfriends don’t shame me either. Only those who like to gossip, who don’t care about what really happened, are base enough to insult me. I think them ridiculous.

I shouldn’t delude myself though. There was nothing romantic about my affairs, and my motivation was petty. After I’d noticed one man’s, Alex, interest in me, I saw a chance. A way to wield control over the real nobles, a game  that reduced sex to a mere power-play: Those boys and men I'd slept with were people I dared to trust, they liked and respected me, even after I’d broken up with them. Others lusted after me, hoping for more, and I prefered to punish them with ignorance if I could not bait them.

I hadn’t expected for this game to work so well, not for such a long time. I almost waited for my ex-boyfriends to hate on me, to beat me up in training, to group up against me, yet my fears remained unfounded. Slowly, I realized that maybe, if they really liked me, they might deserve better. But it was what I needed back then, control over my sexuality and through it. It was better to wake up next to someone I trusted than being alone in a moment of panic when I didn’t remember where I was or what had happened the night before. When all I saw was the imagined red blood on my hand, as if what had been done to me in the Lakelands, what I had done, had occurred just hours ago and not four years prior.

I tell myself that I'm afraid of nothing, but is that really true? Possibly, yet another truth is that while I was in the Lakelands, I was drugged and raped and I have survived. I've continued with my life and still have I to deal with it, the fact that a Red boy, just a few years older than me, had thought me the perfect target to exact his revenge on the Silvers.

He assumed that no Silver girl would dare to demean herself to report such a crime. He was right. As much as I hate him, the real betrayal originated from my own people who let me down, without a way to obtain justice unless I took it into my own hands.

Philip Cross raped a 15-year-old girl to find a conduit for his anger. I was obliged to remind him that this could not ever happen again. So I faced him alone in a boathouse in Detraon, and used my ability to pin him against a wall and inflicting on him all kinds of pain I could imagine.

Revenge was no joy, and justice an illusion. The only enduring reminder I gave to him was the R I engraved on his cheek.

"Remember this, fucker," I hissed between his winces, "remember what this letter stands for. Not Red, not rebel, not runaway. Rapist. That's what you are."

I could have done anything with him and gotten away with it, I knew that much. I didn't want to. I didn't want to sink to his level and even less did I want to admit to him how much he'd hurt me by punishing him even more brutally. Did I find the right measure? I don't have an inkling.

After I'd stained my hands with his blood, I tried to forget him. My whole focus was on keeping myself together. It wasn't easy, while staying in the foreign country with devious nobles around me like in the Whitefire, when I couldn't bring myself to tell Firebird, who was there with me, yet.

But the visit ended soon afterwards anyway. The Scarlet Guard attacked the court and I killed my first Red, to defend Firebird and the royal family she was talking to when the assault happened. I wondered if those terrorists had anything to do with Philip Cross, but I can't know as he didn't take part that day. As all but one of the rebels laid dead on the floor, Princess Iris looked at me acknowledgingly. She had captured one of them alive, a man who would later spill the secrets of his group, thus causing the destruction of a whole village that harboured the insurgents. I heard that much before the Nortan emissaries were asked to leave for home.

Some months later, I started to tell one family member after another of my violation. I needed to talk and yet, it wasn't enough. Nothing was. I got my tattoos. I trained harder, fought, and took lovers, but as time healed my heart it hardened it as well. I didn't hesitate to accept when King Maven ordered me to hunt his Silver enemies, to kill or capture them. I was good for the job, well experienced in fighting other Silvers and able to attack from the distance and the shadows, like the assassin some comrades started to call me, the true heir of the Siren. I spiked them with everything in the vicinity, I crushed lungs and made their veins burst for slower and more veiled deaths. I excelled, and yet it didn't make me feel any better.

Once, I even took part in a Newblood eviction. I continued to loath fighting against Reds, thus I was shocked to see how my comrades killed the whole family of the man who was our target without a blink.

To my relief, that remained my last hunt. Soon afterwards, Mare Barrow electrocuted the Witch Queen, and my mother sidled into my room the moment she heard that news. She'd waited for Elara's demise for decades. Gloatingly, she hinted at the prophet she'd met, a strange man who looked forward to cooperate with Maven. A Newblood himself. He told the king where Mare Barrow intended to go and the king set forth, taking me and several others he handpicked to finally capture the Lightning Girl. And so we did.

 I was no longer dating any Silvers at the time, and Lucas Samos had been the last one. It had ended in June. I broke up with him when things became serious - for him at least. He said he loved me, that he wished for us to stay together. That alone made me uncomfortable - I had no romantic feelings for Lucas. Then he said it.

"... and once we've found a solution for your de-, um, problem, we might even get married. One day."

I stared at him.

The silence dragged on.

I could see his resolve faltering and his heart fracturing by the second. He hadn' believed I'd let him down. He wanted to argue. But as his mouth opened again, I stopped him.

"No."

"Excuse me?"

I brushed his cheek for one last time. "I can't marry you. And we would be better off if we stopped this right now."

"Cassie!"

I let go of him. "I'm sorry you thought there was a future for us when there isn't. Farewell, Luke." I turned away from his devastated face. I'd tried to be gentle, but a part of me was too angry. I wasn't defected. I didn't need to be healed, least of all to make a proper bride for a Silver to breed with.

To be honest, I wish I could have children sometimes, I don't resent the idea of having them one day. But I will neither let myself be reduced to my reproductive abilities, nor to my sexuality, I deduced as much and so, I stopped dating. Not only to avoid another heartbreak, but to keep men like Samson Merandus at bay, men who felt "entitled" to me. He is the worst one, he doesn't even notice how much he disgusts me with his lusting after me.

A few months later, Firebird went away to become an officer at the choke. I miss her, like the moon misses the sun. I walk in the dark when she isn't around me to remind me that life is more than fighting and intrigue, even though she isn't a much better person than me, deep down. She only hides her vindictive and calculating parts with easy smiles, make-up and pretty dresses. I don't think she's gone to Corvium without another motive but her military career. She has chosen her path, but where does this leave me? I'm not who I want to be.

 I stand before Mare Barrow. She ignores me, focused on her own thoughts and her small tries to stay strong despite her imprisonment, the torture she's been through, and the SIlent Stone weighing on her limbs. She's a fighter, she won't give up. I respect that. I respect everyone who tries to bend and break the rules which are caging us.

 Commentary:

Again, I want to apologize to everyone who feels offended or hurt by me telling the story of a rape victim. Feel free to critisize or bash me for the things I've done wrong. I want to learn.

I'm not saying Cassandra's way to cope is the right one, or a healthy one, but it is the one she's chosen. Not only her sexuality, but her vengeance too. Maybe her punishment is too lenient. But I imagine her as a woman who has no idea about the "accurate" way to deal with such a crime in a society that I assume to be victim-blaming, thus I have her act on her instincts alone, instincts which are attuned to never show weakness. I write about one fictional person, I'm not saying how rapists should be punished, or how victims have to behave. This story is not intended to be generalizing.

I see that I might have Cassandra over-sexualized, yet this is a personal story about a woman pondering about her sexuality. I tried to put in other themes as well, but I realize that might be too little. I hope one can still read into the rest of her character that I've created.

I'm not 100 % happy with the way I wrote the love story part, I'm not the greatest romantic writer. I've used a lot of Lana Del Rey quotes in that part, to be honest.