#I have so much on my mind and keep having whatever existential crisis wants to plague me

[spaghetticat3899]

It’s always late at night, when everyone’s asleep, and I have myself for company, that I suddenly fall into a self loathing spiral that I can’t get out of, and no one to talk to so I can remove myself from the headspace.

[eluxcastar]

can we get more dadtore fics plz?🤭🤭🤍🤍

Dadtore and his raccoon child

── ୨୧：il dottore & reader

୨୧﹑synopsis :: dadtore gets his coat stolen and quite possibly has a mild existential crisis at the realisation he is a present and available father

୨୧﹑genre :: fluff

୨୧﹑content :: gn reader, child reader, reader’s backstory is ambiguous, it's finally acknowledged they don't talk but feel free to ignore that, sorta proofread (omg finally I edited something)

୨୧﹑words :: 1.9k

I went to publish this and realised I lost all my dividers because I'm on a new laptop so I'm gonna have to go get those back 😭😭

anyway baby has officially graduated to raccoon status because each day this child grows more feral and will continue to do so 🫵 I'm surprised I even managed to write this cause I've been calling so many grown men babygirl lately Idk what even makes one say that about König from Call of Duty but I do

Whether against your will or the result of some strange form of Stockholm Syndrome, you have somehow come to love the days spent with him. It scares him more than he'd like, knowing that your life rests in his hands, even more so that that bothers him, yet he has been unable to remain especially angry with you.

No matter what you do, what buttons you push, and how much you've forced him to rearrange his lab to practically babyproof it, his desire to consider you a pest dies. It has rapidly died since he realised you clung to him so tightly when you became ill, even if it turned out to be only a low-grade fever that you were free from in a day or two. Something about it made the growing bond he had noticed and his fondness for you skyrocket, and it all happened right under his nose while he was distracted with making you comfortable and keeping you company.

Dottore never thought he'd have a doorframe close to one of the shelves in his lab marred by the marker-made scribbles of a height tracker specifically to tell him when it's time to cram everything up another shelve, yet it's there. He sees it whenever he swivels his chair in that direction or when the segments poke at it, mildly intrigued by his interest.

He can't trust some of them yet — not with you — the ones he does trust are almost entirely uninterested in you because that keeps you safe. His segments can't gain anything from a child who only annoys them by trying to hug their leg until they shove you away. From there, you can sense that they don't want to play from the glares you get that send you scurrying back to whatever corner has the reject dolls Sandrone gave him to mock him for his soft spot, so they don't care.

Despite wishing you were little more than a lingering annoyance he could palm off to the first available parental figure, you trust him so implicitly, and he's falling victim to your charms each time you stand behind him, peeking over his shoulder to spy on him like you're so sneaky, even when he can clearly see you looming out of the corner of his eye. You show interest and want to be around him, to loiter despite knowing you will receive only acknowledgement as he talks to you.

Returning to the lab reveals that you seem to have stolen his coat again — at least, that's what he gleans from its migration from the back of his chair to the floor — though he does not particularly mind even as you drag it back to your little set of chairs set up in the corner for you to play with.

Whatever tables did to you, Dottore has yet to figure out how it made you want to shove the little table you have over there so violently all the time. In your defence, it is usually in the way, and maybe it did something to deserve it that has you holding a grudge, but it's irrelevant as you position your little chairs and drape his coat over the backs of them to make a roof for your hideout.

A child's cubby.

At some point, he noticed you took to childish things like that, even when you didn't do that before, almost like you became more…childish. It's welcome. You warm up to the safety of his care and the joy of goading him into entertaining you.

He used to bar the younger segments from making those forts as they'd put them everywhere and neglected to return the items they grabbed to do so. You are not exactly better, though you tend to use appropriate materials. It is preferable to their habits of senselessly trying to stack things on top of each other and then getting confused as to why they would all fall down when a chasm to crawl inside of does not magically appear in the absence of intentional planning.

There's a reason he's Il Dottore and not Il Ingegnere.

The stealing does not change, however.

Dottore approaches your cubby, intent on investigating this fort you've crafted with the help of his coat. He realises you're humming when he gets closer, as you have been a lot lately. You make more noises now. Not quite words, but noises, and that's more than enough for now. He'd like to hold a proper conversation with you at some point, but you won't even say your own name, let alone keep up a whole verbal conversation that doesn't require a game of charades.

"Just what are you doing?" he asks, and the moment he does, you've grabbed the overcoat from where you had balanced it and run off giggling.

You narrowly escape him, settling off by his chair where you had first obtained the coat — a fickle cat-and-mouse game that will inevitably end one of two ways — you seem intent on keeping that coat, however. He watches as you burrow amidst the thick fabric of the overcoat you mischievously stole from him, the furs tickling your cheeks and warming you up as it sits bunched around your tiny body in a heap of cloth. It engulfs you as you are, but you always like it.

What bothers him so much is that if you were any other child pulling these stunts and creating trouble, Dottore would have found some way to get rid of you by now — he could've given you to the Knave. He can't. He's tried. He tried so hard, even attempting to justify it with his own fondness by convincing himself it would be for your own good. He even talked to her about it at one point, and she almost stole you, thinking the worst, before she realised how spoiled you were by Dottore's standards.

Selfishly, he couldn't do it. He couldn't bear it, even when he told himself Arlecchino would take better care of you than he could ever.

So you're still here, still interrupting his vital work to play a mockery of hide-and-seek where you manage to be the worst yet most endearing hider he could possibly seek, burrowing yourself out of sight beneath his coat as your head disappears and you lay flat on your stomach. A pest. That's what you should be. He stalks toward you like you are a tiny pest hunted by an eager cat waiting to catch you, but stops just before you.

It is nowhere near Dottore's nature to loudly question what this stray pile of laundry is doing lying around, nor can he bring himself to try baby-talking you in that singsong voice people use for children, so he kneels in front of you instead, lowered to your eye level. You wouldn't particularly appreciate it if he did pick up that ear-grating habit anyway.

The overcoat writhes as if a creature stirs beneath it, and you poke your head out to greet him with a slowly forming cheeky grin that devolves into giggles as you realise you are caught. You duck back into the safety of his coat, burrowing amidst its comfort and returning to hiding.

He cannot possibly keep the amused huff he lets out from escaping at the sound of your giggling before shaking his head. "Are you going to come out?" he asks. Of course not. You are going to squirm under there until he pulls you out. "Insufferable little thing," he mutters half-heartedly. He's unable to find the will to be truly angry with you, though he never really was in the first place, merely relenting at your silence.

Dottore rests his other knee on the ground and steals his coat from your little hands. With it, you shortly follow as you are collected in his arms and perched on his lap as he sits back in his chair, leaving you poorly balanced yet able to shift yourself into a comfortable spot where you won't fall. Dottore wraps his coat snugly around you, just as you had done before, and lets you settle into place.

You're so small, pacified by his arms around you to reluctantly grant you the hug he knows you want. You like those. He realised that when all you wanted in your sickness-fuelled stupor was for him to cradle you in his arms and let you lean against him. Something about it makes you look so vulnerable. You need someone who can care for and protect you despite your ability to care for yourself; he is the woefully imperfect choice who should not want to take on that task but who may be uniquely suited to it because of that.

'Damaged' children who have had to adapt to the shortcomings of others do not benefit solely from perfection but can become suffocated by it. They need something that suits their unusual need for guidance without expectation of normalcy. He's living it now as his inexperience with this idea of a family forces him to confront imperfection — dismal humanity.

You will never be like a child raised in a perfect family, nor can you offer him complete dependence and vulnerability; he doesn't mind that. In exchange, he will never be your perfect father figure. He will cradle you with his imperfection and wish that this feeling makes you happy if nothing else.

You offer what you want, and he takes what is given because he wants it. Badly, he wants it, even if he is unwilling to admit the possibility of that being real.

He wants to stay like this, to keep picking you up, even when lifting your weight and gathering you in his arms grows harder each time. He wants to watch you nestle against him, mark your height on the doorframe every month, take care of you when you're sick, worry about someone other than himself, and make room for you in a place where there should be none. He wants to give you what you were almost robbed of, see you make friends and smile each day.

For now, he must start small, no more than sitting in front of what probably looks like jumbled garbage to you and resting his hand on the back of your head to pull you closer in a rare show of affection. Gentle. He is entirely unused to the idea of being gentle and protective of something that lives and breathes.

Dottore hates the very idea of your existence meaning something to him — a visceral reaction to the unfamiliar — but cannot resist the vulnerability of it all, the thought of loving someone who loves him back in a way he has yet to fathom, though he is not so presumptuous as to mindlessly believe you love him, even now. You would not be asked to point to your father and turn to him, but you don't have to. Something in that thought is exciting, a desperate grasp at unconditional love from something he cares for, even against his will, but this middle ground somewhere between babysitter and father is as comfortable as anything he wants will get.

[bird-inacage]

After your last gifset (the sun vs moon one) and in light of the two preview clips we get from next week - Sand shutting Ray's request to be friends down and Ray having his little jealous fit at the party - I keep thinking about the fight at Sand's apartment from the trailer. And what I think I'd like (but am sadly not convinced will happen, because why would they cause us the least pain?) is for that fight to happen after the party jealousy episode, and be because Ray's finally confronting some level of his feelings for Sand. What I'm imagining in my best-case scenario is: Ray has his jealous fit and goes to talk to Sand afterwards, with the intention of keeping Sand on the hook/reinstating the flirtation even though it isn't going to go anywhere. (I don't think he'd encourage outright cheating because that instantly = no more Mew.) Sand turns that down flat because "Do you think I have no dignity?" as per the OST clip. And Ray has another jealous/entitled meltdown and says he doesn't even want to be with Sand anyway, he wishes he'd never met him, and he bets those grapes were sour anyway etc etc. Anyway, I don't think it will happen, but I like the idea on the grounds of a) Sand having a backbone! Yes please! and b) continuing to set up Ray's inevitable full-bore bitch fit if/when the ex shows back up. I thought you might enjoy that scenario too!

Haha, Hello Anon! 👋

Firstly, I do hope Sand stands his ground. He's given Ray A LOT of chances. If he starts wavering, I'll flip a goddamn table. Sand needs to stick up for himself, but also narratively Ray has to feel the threat of Sand distancing to ever recognise his own feelings.

What I anticipate is things with Mew start to get a little rocky. Whilst Top is doing his level best to win Mew back, that's potentially when Sand's ex enters the scene. Timing wise, Sand is going to be much more susceptible to an old flame trying to rekindle whilst he's bouncing back from Ray. He's not in too deep yet to be opposed to the idea of moving onto someone else. So this is where the ex could do the most damage. Sand is a man of principle so if the ex showed up whilst he and Ray were already together, I don't think he'd be as easily swayed. Which is why I'd be inclined to expect the ex to show up before Ray and Sand have identified each other as lovers.

Now if that does happen, Ray is going to have an existential crisis. He finally has Mew, and yet he's not happy. He's seething. He's bothered. Perhaps Mew notices how worked up Ray seems to be over this.

What leads to the fight scene in Sand's apartment has to be pretty considerable. This fight looks 10x more brutal than the one outside the bar. And due to the sheer devastation in Sand's reactions throughout, I'm not sure this will take place next episode. I think whatever tension is brewing between them will need to escalate much, much more if it's to go from somewhat numb to utter anguish.

"You think my life will be better with you? It's only f*cking going down to hell." The dialogue could be read either as 'oh you think I'd be better off with you as my boyfriend instead of someone else (e.g. Mew)?' or 'you really think you would make my life better?' (in a more general sense).

But yes, I'm all for Ray going on a steady trajectory of losing his mind over Sand giving him the cold shoulder. Added in with the likelihood of things just not working out at all with Mew, and potentially Sand's ex rocking up. *Rubs hands together* I just need to see Ray jealous. That's all I really want. That boy was behaving way too cocky in the Episode 8 preview and he needs to be brought back down to earth. Swiftly.

Thanks for the ask! 😉

---birdie

[eldritch-blasted-bagels]

Excuse my brain rot and the fact that I was a theatre kid BUT-

What Shakespearean Monologue I Want to See Each BG3 Companion Perform

Wyll

“O Soft, What Light Through Yonder Window Breaks” from Romeo and Juliet

Of course. There is no other option.

This man is a hopeless romantic and, I adore him, would not get the point of the play but would have so much fun playing Romeo.

Everyone in the cast would also be hopelessly in love with him.

(Bonus) “Once More Upon the Breech!” from Henry V

Oh this man would KILL this monologue. The battle cry? The rousing of his men against an impossible task? It’s what he was made to do, it’s what the character was built for.

Equal and opposite to how he’d absolutely slay as Romeo, he would make an amazing Henry.

Karlach

“O, Then I See Queen Mab Hath Been With You” from Romeo and Juliet

I almost, almost gave this to Astarion because I think he could also do it justice, but he already had two monologues.

Just… love u Karlach you can say whatever nonsense and I will nod along. Also absolutely ragging on your friend and getting carried away in the bit feels very in character for her.

I feel like she doesn’t really do acting but she would come support her friend’s productions however she could.

Astarion

“To Be Or Not To Be” from Hamlet

Hear me out; I think it would either be so over dramatic or the best damn rendition you’ve ever heard.

Contemplation of mortality, pain, existence? Astarion is at his best when he’s having an existential crisis.

This man was also just built to play Hamlet. You could replace this with “‘Tis now the very witching hour of night,” “O, that this too too sullied flesh would melt” Or any of his soliloquies and what I said still goes.

(Bonus) “Dost Thou Not Suspect My Place?” from Much Ado About Nothing

This is one of the best comedic monologues Shakespeare has to offer and I won’t be told otherwise

Specifically based on the line of Dogberry describing himself as a tasty piece of flesh while also being Dogberry and flouncing about, being hysterical, because someone called him an ass.

(Bonus 2) (Sorry this man is very Shakespeare coded) He would be such a good Puck in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Just a little shit.

Gale

“O, She Misused Me Past the Endurance of a Block!” From Much Ado About Nothing

Just as I think Astarion was built to play Hamlet, Gale was built to play Benedick.

He’s just enough of an ass but also fucking comedic enough to pull this off and make it hysterical. Like Benedick, he also just keeps talking.

(Bonus) Lear’s Storm Monologues

I think at his worst, Gale could do Lear some fuckin justice in his performance of that specific piece, and that slow descent into madness.

Lae’zel

“I Would Eat His Heart In The Marketplace” from Much Ado About Nothing

It’s a take I’m so here for and I think she’d get really into scolding Benedick for being a dishonorable coward.

Just think about the potential delivery of “Oh! If I were a man! I’d eat his heart in the marketplace!” gives me chills.

I don’t ship Lae’zel and Gale necessarily but I think if you put them in a production of Much Ado together it would be cemented as a bar-standard production.

Shadowheart

“O What a Noble Mind Been O’erthrown” from Hamlet

She kins Ophelia and you can’t tell me otherwise. Also specifically, in this, the context of being used as a pawn by everyone in her life feels appropriate.

(Bonus) Let her play Joan of Arc in Henry VI. I don’t know why she’s so Joan of Arc coded in my brain but let her do it.

Halesin

“All the World’s a Stage” from As You Like It

This one is the one I’m least confident about but the world-weary and worn nature that it can take on feels very Halesin and I think he would do a performance in such a way that it sends you spiraling into an existential crisis.

(Bonus) Minthara

“And Dash’d the Brains Out!” from Macbeth

Again, I just think Minthara would kill as Lady Macbeth.

But, I don’t think “Out damn spot” would be where she shined; I think these moments of absolute murder and ambition would.

Also inspired by the production (in DC I think?) where they had to cut Lady Macbeth literally smashing a baby doll on rocks during this monologue because the audience found it too disturbing.

[squeakintothevoid]

Bohemian Rhapsody hits different after you go through an existential identity crisis.

I wanna explain what I think of when I listen to this song. (TW: religious trauma, cptsd, and an overabundance of gifs)

"If you can see it there, darling, then it's there."

-Freddie Mercury

This song is an epic hero's journey of a song that deserves to be overrated. 11/10. Freddie is an artistic genius.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide No escape from reality

So when you grow up in a traumatic situation (I was raised mormon and have complex PTSD) you live in a detached way and learn to never trust yourself. You inevitably get some doubts in the back of your mind about how great and perfect the situation you're raised in actually is, but you don't dare confront these thoughts because that would risk crumbling your sense of security.

But real life comes through and crumbles your foundation anyway like a landslide. You get doubts upon doubts. Oh crap, reality is scary! Santa isn't real! Mormonism sounds a lot like a cult! And I think everyone can relate to realizing that their parents and adults in general are just grown-up kids.

Open your eyes Look up to the skies and see I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy Because I'm easy come, easy go Little high, little low Any way the wind blows Doesn't really matter to me, to me

So you've realized that your security is not a guarantee in life. Now all you can really do is appeal to whatever holds power over you, be it god, your parents, the skies.

"Don't worry guys, I'm no trouble. I'll be good. My feelings don't matter. I'm good with anything you want."

You end up convinced that the people pleasing mask is who you really are. And in this state of being detached from your actual self, you become less capable of feeling much, high or low.

Mama, just killed a man Put a gun against his head Pulled my trigger, now he's dead Mama, life had just begun But now I've gone and thrown it all away Mama, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry If I'm not back again this time tomorrow Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters

But at some point your soul just can't take it anymore, it's been pushed to it's limit. The mask slips, the shelf breaks, the walls come down. You start to realize that your own thoughts and opinions might actually be important. You begin to accept the truth. And when you realize you can no longer be this version of you they want you to be, well, it feels like you've died.

Because your whole identity was built on something that wasn't real. Your world's been turned upside down and now you're terrified of disappointing all those people who you've been so desperately trying to please this whole time. Despite everything, a part of you may even care for them and hope their worldview doesn't get shattered for their own sake. Let them carry on with their ways.

Too late, my time has come Sends shivers down my spine Body's aching all the time Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth Mama, ooh (Any way the wind blows) I don't wanna die I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all

Freddie writes like he's walking to his own execution. I felt a similar way when I was taking my last flight out of BYU as a fresh nonbeliever to see my mormon family. My anxiety must've thought I was escaping North Korea or something. Because I really didn't know if I was about to lose everything or not. And that last line was way too relatable, which scared me. I actually avoided this song for years because of it.

I also got physically sick several times that last year at BYU from living the double life. Definitely ached all the time, and still do. The body really does keep the score.

I still remember how I felt when I finally faced the truth by reading the CES letter, subconsciously hoping it would shatter my testimony of the LDS church. It felt like walking straight into hell. Which brings us to...

I see a little silhouetto of a man Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango? Thunderbolt and lightning very, very frightening me (Galileo) Galileo (Galileo) Galileo Galileo Figaro Magnifico-o-o-o-o

...my SPOOKY MORMON HELL DREAM!

Time to feel guilt like no other! Because part of you still isn't entirely convinced you aren't going to hell! Or at least end up homeless from being kicked out and disowned.

So I see this part of the song as demons taunting you. The demons being your own self-hatred and the subliminal or even direct messaging you got from your authority figures. If I were to transcribe what I hear in these lyrics...

Hey look, a shell of a person!

Keep dancing for me, little bitch! (Scaramouche)

I am so scared of getting punished and hurt!

Ha, loser! You little heretic! (Galileo) You think you're so clever (Figaro) and important (Magnifico)!

So the Galileo, Figaro, Magnifico part is name-calling. Which you fall for because you're sense of self only just sprouted out of the sidewalk that is your mind.

I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Still not used to being confident, you attempt to defend yourself, but you're kinda just wallowing in self-pity.

"I swear I don't think I'm better than anyone! I just want to do my own thing! I don't hate the mormon church, I just disagree with it! And you're definitely not the reason I'm in therapy, mom & dad, but I totally understand why you asked! (Aw man, I can't trust my parents at all! I'm hopeless!)"

Wow, real confident.

He's just a poor boy from a poor family Spare him his life from this monstrosity

But the deeper, more real, compassionate, and self-confident part of you knows the truth. It says, okay sure, you are a poor kid. But does any other poor kid deserve to be treated like this? No! Stand up for that kid!

You have to treat this self-assured part of yourself almost as a different sort of being because you don't trust yourself so much. It's not you asserting yourself because that would be selfish of course! So instead, it's god or a little voice or a call that is directing you to be confident. Or it's you being confident but for the sake of a little kid in your exact situation.

Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah! No, we will not let you go (Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go (Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go (Let me go!) Will not let you go (Let me go!) Never let you go (Never, never, never, never let me go) Oh oh oh oh No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Because you're not self-assured yet, the self-doubting & self-loathing parts of you war against the self-confident parts that know what's right for you. So you feel like you're doing mental gymnastics. What's wrong and right anymore? Is it really okay to drink coffee? Is it okay to throw out spoiled milk? Do I deserve a raincoat? Might my parents actually be...not gods?

Notice that the high-pitched angel-like voices that were standing up for him transform into his own voice. "Let him go" becomes "let ME go." It's like those parts are integrating into a whole and you're realizing you genuinely think you deserve better.

Oh, mamma mia, mamma mia (Mamma mia, let me go) Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me

You want your parents (mamma mia!) or whoever is holding power over you to just change and accept you so you don't have to stand up to them. But that ain't necessarily happening. You cannot control them. You can't control anything but you. Not having control is scary! You can lose everything!

But with everything lost, you're the only thing left. Just you. But you can still think for yourself, control yourself. For the first time in this search of who you're supposed to be, you realize that you were there all along. And that feels powerful. You might even wanna stand up for yourself.

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye? So you think you can love me and leave me to die? Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here

Cue permission to be ANGRY. You aren't being fooled anymore, you see what they've done to you. And now that you actually see yourself as valuable, you're not gonna take that shit anymore. "Yes dad, I am an exmormon. Yes, that does convey a sense of animosity. I did buy new shoes for myself so that I don't hurt my feet. And I like drinking tea and watching R-rated movies." I'm such a rebel.

Ooh, ooh yeah, ooh yeah Nothing really matters Anyone can see Nothing really matters Nothing really matters to me Any way the wind blows

Before, nothing mattered to you because you were only shown how to be a doormat. Now, nothing matters to you because you're only doing what you want now, nobody else's opinions really matter. I know what's important now, so life can come at me bro. I'm not what other people think of me, my talents, my failures, my achievements, nada. I'm just me and I'm gonna do whatever and quit worrying about being worthy all the time. You do you. Leave me to me. Any way the wind blows.

Of course, trauma means you fall back into the same patterns a lot and keep having to remember your worth, so life's not all wrapped up with a bow now. But, once you realize your opinions and feelings matter, it's hard to put the toothpaste back in the tube. There is nothing that can convince me to run back to the Mormons. But I do keep finding time and time again more ways in which I still don't fully trust myself. It's hard feeling like I'm going in circles finding shortcomings I didn't even know were there, but I feel like I'm spiraling up now.

So that's my exmormon/cptsd-fueled interpretation of Bohemian Rhapsody. It really is such a great song with so many interpretations. Some songs you remember the first time hearing it and even fewer songs get even better as you go back to it, you know? Anyway, thanks for reading and tolerating the gifs!

[birb-boyo]

HOW DID THE CHAIN MEET IN YOUR STEVEN UNIVERSE AU???

HOW DID TIME BECOME…TIME?!

ARE THE GODDESSES THE DIAMONDS? AND IF THEY ARE ARE THEY LIKE THE DIAMONDS IN THE SHOW???

WHAT IS RAVIO?? IS HE LIKE- A GEM THAT WAS CUT FROM THE SAME CRUST/KINDERGARTEN AS LEGEND???

TELL ME ABOUT IT SAHDE

OKAY

HELLO(I just got from my nap, sorry for the wait)

FOR THE FIRST QUESTION

All heroes, instead of having a triforce, they have a shard of First’s gem, also called the Shards of Courage. These shards are made of basically just Light because that was Hylia’s parting gift, to make his shards shine brighter than the morning sky. Ask the chain, except Sky, they fucking hate it. It’s Sky’s nightlight by the way. It’s like a naturally made flash bang. It’s an activation thing, so it’s not always there.

I don’t know why I explained that last part but whatever.

I actually haven’t thought about how they met, but I suppose we could stick with the iconic dream montage. Like, they all pass out randomly and suddenly First is talking to them like, “Hyrule needs her heroes to assemble and-“ blah blah blah

A lot of them probably ignore him, but some days later, when they all end up through a portal, surrounded by each other with their bright ass shards, they definitely believe the magic dream man.

SECOND QUESTION

Time is a fusion between Fierce and Mask

I should also clarify that Majora and Fierce were never masks, their gems were put in stasis. Skull Kid and Mask were able to gem those gems out of stasis(I didn’t think about how yet) and I guess the final fight was like a Pokemon fight and I love that idea so much but it’s also so stupid-

SO WHAY HAD HAPPENED WAS, AFTER THE BIG TERMINA FIASCO,

Mask and Fierce were going to part ways, but Fierce has been in stasis for so long, he knew that the surface had changed. Not only that, but being in stasis for so long made him weak. It made Majora and Fierce weaker than they used to be.

So Mask, still in a existential crisis, was like “we can be travelers together then” because mask didn’t want to seem like he used Fierce (even though he kinda did) so he offered to be travelers together with Fierce.

My boy Fierce took that “together” the wrong way and kinda forced Mask to fuse with him.

THEN BOOM, TIME EXISTS

Mask is kind of shaken like, “What the fuck?”

Fierce is kinda like, “Isn’t this what you meant?”

Mask is like, “No!” Mask then uses they mirror shield. “I mean…”

So now they’ve been fused for a good while. They also just feel safer inside the fusion because they know that if one fumbles, the other has their back.

I also have a feeling that no gem truly knows what it means to be married, so when marriage was proposed to Time, he was kinda just-🧍🏼‍♂️

Then Malon(I’m keeping her human…hylian) explained it sort of like, “Marriage is like promising to be best friends forever-“

“Then me and Fierce are married?”

“NO-“

THIRD QUESTION

I would give the Goddesses Diamonds. Nayru gets Blue, Farore gets Yellow, Din gets White, Hylia gets Pink.

Hylia gets pink because she is all over the place. But she is actually shattered too. She shattered herself after First got shattered so her shards(Shards of Wisdom) could be beside First’s for all eternity. You know Demise’s hating ass shards(Shards of Power) are also there, tearing shit up🥰🥰🥰

The other diamonds, Nayru, Farore, and Din, just monitor what the shard wielders are doing and making sure Hyrule doesn’t fall in on itself.

FORTH QUESTION

Yes, Ravio was born in the same Kindergarten as Legend. The same hole too. He was made after Legend though and came out “deformed”. Physically, Ravio doesn’t look really deformed, but other amethysts disagree. He’s skinnier and weaker and far more in the mind(smarter) than he should be.

That being said, my boy did not have fun while trying to serve his diamond. So he ran away. He attempted many times to run away, in turn, he was kind of tortured by his “siblings”. Don’t worry, there’s no crack, but other amethyst would forgive and forget in a solid three human years, but Ravio? Those nights are engraved into him gem.

In order to truly escape, he had the help of an opal(Hilda) they kinda just hang out together until they find another amethyst(Legend) on earth and started spying on him and WOW ANOTHER GAME INCOMING

Kinda dropped backstory there whoopsie😅

@the-cucco-nuggie :D

[theneighborhoodwatch]

Sorry for mentally ill thoughts this evening but I've always wondered how this is going to end. To me, welcome home has been a story about changing. And because of a certain music artist's album and WHs popularity being around the same time, I can't let go of my interpretation of what change will look like at the end of this project. (1/?)

(2/?) I've always found what characters a fandom gets attached to QUICKLY to be a marker of what a story is going to do with these characters and what metatexually that is gonna mean for the story...

Let's start with the big one: Wally himself. THIS GUY HAS SO many interpretations! He is simultaneously the most dangerous and fascinating character out of all of them. To analyze him (and some of the neighbors I'll talk about) I used tarot cards, btw I'm @pretty-in-possible but this is my reblog alt

Wally was Judgement which is intresting because its definition includes

When The judgement is in the upright position, it represents the realization of one's calling, realistic thinking and gaining a deep understanding of life through self-examination.

(3/?) When reversed, it can represent refusal of self-examination and growth, self-doubt, regret, and blame. In my eyes, change and (what I think will happen to the puppets) transformation is only possible with that kind of thought. Which, coupled with your own analysis of wally and home spells as disaster. Whats particularly affecting MY brainworms is Barnaby. His card is the Magician: The Magician is an artisan and the ideas person.  It is a very action oriented card. It represents learning and using knowledge in creative and unorthodox ways, and seizing the day by displaying resourcefulness. Barnaby is definitely an open-minded person just with his behavior shown through just visuals.

(4/?) I am also invested in his pipe which I know just has bubbles in it, but it adds to this stoner read to his character that *I* see??? There is just something about him that tells me he will have the easiest time with this Existential crisis as to him (based of the tarot reading) this knowledge is incredibly freeing, cuz it would just mean there is More in the World to Discover. In my experience reading past life regression therapy testimonies, I've heard of how some people encounter this place in the afterlife people under hypnosis describe as a soul cleansing, a place where gem-colored rays of light shine through every inch of your soul, cleansing your spirit of the trauma it had experienced during your last lifetime. And I feel like Barnaby will experience those same feelings (NOT THE SAME PROCESS). (I might ramble more about this later, in ask box or in dms if thats okkkk)

my sincerest apologies for sitting so long on this one, i wanted to make sure i had time to really, like. sit down and Process it. and then shortly after i started writing this response i got food poisoning so. lol.

because of of how in-depth this ask gets, i wouldn't feel right neglecting any part of it, so i'm just gonna write down my thoughts bullet by bullet as i go through this. under the cut for convenience:

how welcome home is going to end .... obviously, i cannot offer anything conclusive right now (if i can offer anything at all) given how early we are, but i have always had the vague impression that whatever the ending of this story is, we as the audience may never be able to see all of it. it feels like so much has been given to us already. i assume we will be given much more, regardless of how willing to give or receive anyone involved is. we owe it to our neighbors to let them decide which parts to give and which to keep, at the end of the day. i think that's the best way i can phrase it. but as always, only time will tell.

agree about Change likely being a big part of welcome home, whichever form it takes.

I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO KNOW THE NAME OF THIS ARTIST. i am Dreadfully unfamiliar with a lot of 70s musicians outside of the biggest names - my first thought was either connie converse or daniel johnston, but iirc most of converse's music was recorded in the 50s-60s and johnston only started recording music in the late 70s. i don't know if bruce haack was ever super popular back when he was actually making music.

the idea of which characters fandom gets attached to being indicative of what canon does with them...? i'm not so sure about this one, honestly. fandom can get attached to a stale piece of toast that shows up for a single scene if so desired (which, for the record, isn't a bad thing.) of course, i say that based off of my own experiences, but fan reception has never really been a Factor in speculation for me either way.

calling wally dangerous doesn't feel inaccurate, but i think it's more like. i do not think he is inherently dangerous but he absolutely has the Capacity to do dangerous things. i think it is interesting that despite this (or perhaps because of it?) he appears to be more vulnerable with us than he Ever was with the other neighbors? but a.) that may not be saying much and b.) it is Also largely rooted in speculation + the fact that home and the audience are currently the Only two entities wally has been seen interacting with directly, as opposed to his interactions/relationships with other neighbors that have so far only been briefly described by the WHRP or showcased in brief snippets of concept art.

grinning so so so wide at the judgement/inverted judgement descriptions. i wish i had more to say but i'm having a hard time coming up with something that isn't just pointing to the inverted judgement description and going "yeah that's almost Exactly what i'm getting from wally so far."

again, agree about the possibility of Change playing some kind of role here, eventually - more specifically the fear of change even when it may prove to be beneficial, whether that be on wally's part or the neighbors' or the WHRP's or the staff's or the audience's or even the very setting of home itself. i imagine some grotesque hodgepodge of all of the above. something something points to that post i reblogged about sitcoms as horror.

context for the aforementioned wally and home analysis for anyone reading: 1, 2, 3

BARNABY, HUH... for the record my personal hc regarding his pipe is that whatever's in it changes depending on what would be the funniest answer at any given moment. if tobacco is funnier, then it's tobacco. if bubbles are funnier, then it's bubbles. looney tunes logic.

on a more serious note: i'm a little worried i won't have much to say about barnaby that i haven't said already! i think it may be too early to discern the Specifics of his personality from website art/descriptions alone but i do get the distinct impression that he's meant to be a lot more down to earth than wally, which of course is an interesting contrast to the nature of wally's whole [gestures vaguely] Everything. from this, i think it is Reasonable to assume that he's also a lot better at rolling with the punches as well, although i never did consider the possibility that learning about The Bullshit would be liberating for him, in a sense - i don't know about it being a cleansing experience, unless you count the recontextualization of things that didn't previously make sense as a sort of cleansing in itself, in which case it could absolutely be that. something about the parallels to cosmic horror... the relationship between the Fear of change and the Catharsis of change...

oh, but wouldn't this also put him at odds with wally, who seems to be on the Exact Opposite End Of The Spectrum, even when they understand each other like no other? Much To Think About... very exciting potential for Conflict there.

i'm cool with whichever method works best for you if you wanna talk more in the future! my dms are open too lol.

[dcwnrisen-aa]

don't you know? you're not her real son. she has you now, but what happens your parents decide they want you back? when they sick the heroes on her, tear you from her arms as she screams and pleads with them not to take you? do you know what they'll do to her? a criminal? even if you wanted to go back to her you couldn't. why would you though? SHES NOT YOUR MOM. she'll never be your mom and you know it. does that hurt you? does that make you want to cry? to have the thing you wished for, the thing all children should be given, unconditional love- you can never have it. one of these days your real family will come for you and she will become a fleeting memory.

it would've hurt less if shigaraki had dusted his right hand. shoto had become old friends with the feeling of his heart dropping into his stomach, the dread fills him immediately and right behind it, the existential crisis of knowing they have a point. how many times did he worry about the repercussions of her actions, that even in a society like the one he grew up in, there's the chance they can send someone and take him back. its something he fears, not in the back of his mind, but always at the forefront.

tightness plagues his chest, tears dampening on his lashes and truly even if he wanted to, there's no hiding the devastation at these thoughts and he swallows thickly, fists clenching at his sides. ❝ ━ a mother loves their child, they don't hurt them. they'll do whatever it takes to keep them safe. the same with fathers. ❞ bellamy had shown him just what it meant to be a man, how to care for himself and there's something he can never forget. ❝ ━ is it so wrong for me to want just a taste of what it means to have unconditional love ? for so long, i didn't know who i was, i knew what i was, what my purpose of but...❞ i didn't feel real. just a byproduct of eugenics.

he hates this, so much. the weight on his chest gets heavier, tears silently streaking down his cheeks, frost creeping along his arm, wisps of flame sparking near his shoulder. i won't let them take me back, not without a fight. even when i have to go back, i want to come back home. loni was his mom, maybe not by blood but in all the ways that mattered. all the lessons, all the traditions, every memory for the last three years weren't going to become a fleeting memory. no, they would forever be cherished no mattered where he was.

not being able to speak around the lump in his throat, he turns away, hands trembling. words of a faceless coward spitting words might've struck deep but shoto is obstinate. loni would always be his mom and he would always be her son, no one could take that from him.

Anonymously send me something your muse is secretly thinking about mine.

[harapeveco]

any tips for writing fanfics? (or writing in general?) 😔

Hmmm well I’m not really an expert when it comes to writing tbh so idk if this is gonna help that much but for the little experience I have ig I can suggest some things?

Btw these are only fanfic related bc surprisingly enough writing a story and a fic is not the same LMAO

Anyways here are some tips!

I think the first thing you should consider is what your fic is gonna be about. It can be something very plot heavy or plotless whatever you feel more comfy with!

Write about what you want to read! You want to read about your fave dying horribly? Write it! You want to read about your ship kissing? Write it! You want to read about your fave having an existential crisis while their partner comforts them? Write it! Just write what you want to read! Do it! Do it!

I think it’s important to note that when you write fics it’s not about doing it for others, what I mean with this is that yeh sharing them and getting the engagement is rewarding as hell I love seeing them kudos and comments on my fics but remember that you are actually writing them for yourself bc you are writing about what you like and makes you go uwah. If you write thinking about the expectations or wants of others the writing just won’t come out or you will struggle with it…so! Write what you want! It’s your story! Indulge in it! (As long as it’s not problematic)

I think this one is obvious but you need to read fics and books before you start writing, this really helps with vocabulary and how to describe certain things too. I’ve used a lot of fics and even some books (the ones I was forced to read at school) for reference on how to describe certain situations

Sometimes you may feel your writing is not good enough but there’s always gonna be someone out there who likes it. Also don’t feel bad if you write about a topic that has be written about before, readers will be happy to be fed with the same content if that means they have more options, for example you want to write about your ship kissing but there are 69 fics about that? Trust me bestie we will need a 70th fic on that list

Cliches aren’t as bad as everyone makes them out to be! As long as you have original ideas to throw into the mix cliches can be quite enjoyable!

Writing is like drawing it’s all about practicing. Maybe you will feel like the first few fics will come out with some mistakes or even have an awkward writing but that’s oks! It’s something you learn the more you do it

Research is important no matter how unimportant something can be, for example, most of my fics take place in japan so ofc I have to do my research on some Japanese things. A few examples of this can be like if you want the character to drive you have to keep in mind the legal age for driving in the country it takes place, if you want them to drink you need to know the legal age, if there’s an emergency and they need to call an emergency line you need to know the number…they are really small things but they help a lot making it believable. I remember I wrote this oneshot about reinochi on a supermarket and I had to research the average prices for food in Tokyo (bc apparently prices are different in every prefecture) to make the fic work. Research can be really fun too if you are writing about a topic you like!

Try also not too make the characters too ooc or indulge too much on your headcanons. The reason why people want to read fics it’s bc they want to see their guy put into a situation but if you change their personality too much and write them using your headcanons as a base that’s not the guy the readers know that’s a different person. Now I’m not saying you can’t include headcanons you sure can but make sure they aren’t the whole center of it but more like a passing comment or something they do in a scene or two but like don’t make it the whole focus

This is a pet peeve of mine so take this one with a grain of salt sjfjjdjf but try not to repeat words in the same paragraph. To me at least it can be very confusing, in this case I recommend you Thesaurus.com! It’s has both synonyms and antonyms

Related but if you have trouble making your writing sound good I recommend using Quillbot! It’s a page that paraphrase paragraphs and can even help you make them sound more fancy! Since I write in Spanish and then copy paste the writing into a translator some sentences end up sounding awkward so this thing has helped me a lot THO never put dialogue on it it will make it sound awkward as hell

Something that can help a lot too is a beta reader! If you don’t know what that is it’s basically a person who reads your fic to point out grammar mistakes or tell you if some things on the story need changes. Make sure you ask a person you trust tho! I’ve heard stories of beta readers who have stolen the fics their were supposed to help fix 😔😔😔

Outlines are a good idea too! Something I do when planning multichapter fics is to write a general summary of what I want the story to be about and then write mini summaries for each chapter. Keep in mind the first outline won’t be perfect and it could change over time or even be dropped entirely, it’s part of the process so don’t feel bad if you have to give it up to make another one

This is more for multichapters but writing is a long process and it takes time. Take as much as you need to finish your story even if it takes years, don’t let others pressure you bc then the writing won’t come out. If you don’t feel like updating it rn you can do it later and your readers will understand that, if they don’t then don’t listen to them, after all they are getting the content for free so they better wait for it

It’s good to also write things that are out of your comfort zone every once in a while, that way you will know what works for you, what you like, etc

If you are gonna post on ao3 remember to tag everything! The tagging system exist so people know what they want to read and what they want to avoid so make sure to check every topic you are going to write about so you can tag it properly! A thing I do with tags is that for example my fic is about death and I want to tag it with it I put “death” on the tagging thing and every tag that contains the word “death” will appear there. This is helpful if you need more specific tags

I feel this one is the most important but you will definitely experience writer’s block, you will feel burnt out and frustration and that’s oks just take it easy and take your time with it. If you force yourself to make more chapters or making more oneshots without really feeling it they won’t come out the way you want them to which will make you more frustrated. Take some time off of writing if needed

And last but not least DO NOT let people tell you how to write your story. You can take suggestions sure but write what you envisioned, don’t let readers tell you what you should write and what you should change for them bc the story is for you and what you want

That’s honestly all I can think about! Idk if this is helpful or not but I hope it can at least give you an idea! And if you want feel free to send me your fic when it’s done! I would love to read it! uwu

[palialaina]

Welp.

Jel caught me.

And I can't even blame Reth.

Jel got worried when I didn't come see him, so he came to see me instead. He was more sort of... resigned-amused than upset though. I think he's getting used to me being a little bit reckless?

Whatever it was, he was very attentive, and didn't want to leave when it got late, and I won't pretend I didn't encourage him to stay. He was really sweet and read to me until I was able to fall asleep. And he even left me some breakfast.

And sort of an existential crisis, but I think that's just going to be life with him as a partner, isn't it?

He really does not think about phrasing when he writes in a tizzy. It's adorable, if I'm being honest, but sometimes, I swear. He's only kissed my cheek, the one time! Right after a hard day's labor, so I was all kinds of gross too. Ugh.

I adore him so much.

I wasn't really feeling my best, but I want to see if I could help him figure out a solution (and remind him that he doesn't need to be vain. Wrinkles are a sign of a life well lived! He cares enough to worry!), and instead he apparently tricked me into making a romance token. I... think I understand this thing. I think this makes us an official couple? Which...

I mean, it makes me happy, but also, I don't like that he used his current family strife to do that. Mn. And if Sifuu hadn't said something, I'd never have known, and then I'd feel really cranky.

I... the indirectness bothers me. But he did own up that he thought his oldest sister was doing everything on purpose and there wasn't much to be done about it other than muscle through.

I don't know that I like his family all that much, if his oldest sister is going to act like that. Jel always says he's grateful to have grown up with so many strong ladies, but it feels... I dunno. It feels like they're not quite as wonderful as he wants them to be.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it. He doesn't really talk about them too much. More focused on being able to put his family name on the clothing he makes, I guess. Silly boy.

Admittedly, after that, I told him I needed to go to Bahari for oysters, and he insisted on coming with me so that I didn't risk another sunburn. I told him it was going to involve a lot of wading in the water and sand and muck, and he told me that any time he spent with me, not matter how messy, was perfect.

Seriously. He's gonna be the death of me. How can he say that with a straight face???

But he came with, and he carried a parasol, and I ran around like a fiend trying to get as many oysters as I could so I could pop the meat into the glow worm farm! I don't think he was really prepared to try and keep up with me, even with me feeling weaker than usual, but he tried. He did, at one point, try to catch something himself. Poor dear ended up soaking wet, but he was laughing when I went to make sure he wasn't hurt.

I don't know that he'll do it again, mind you. We did quite ruin that outfit. But it was... it was nice that he was willing to do that. Just to help me.

Kilima really is just like that, I guess. Auntie Dal sent me another blueberry pie for the blueberries I got from my garden for her, Jina keeps giving me new books to read (though Caleri still eyes me like I'm going to throw one into a lake. Jeez...), and Dad even came by with some leftover soup and told me I needed to stop weeding and come eat something.

Everyone here, from the grumpiest person to the nicest is just... wonderful.

I suppose I can only hope that they like me too...

[raymondvelez]

Sandra Santiago part. 10

Sandra bad as hell. But she act like she don’t have a fucking clue. Even though she do. That’s why she’s gon age so well. And why it won’t be the only reason why she’s paid so well.

Some women’s entire existence and self-worth is so wrapped up in their looks, that as soon as that middle-age creep in or they become single mothers or both, they begin to doubt themselves. Because no matter how fine you are, there’s always a bitch younger, cuter, and curvier attracting the very attention you once enjoyed. Now you having an existential crisis.

You see, that’s not going to happen to Sandra Santiago. Like many Gen Z women, intelligence has primarily shaped how she perceives herself. So as time passes, she’ll feel even sexier than she does now because her life experiences will eventually match her IQ, ultimately making her unstoppable. She’s in her own world and I’m grateful to have been a part of it.

“Los, I’m leaving.” Sandra told me as she entered the bedroom.

“I’ve heard that before.” I replied.

“You’re so funny. Maybe you wouldn’t hear that so much if you would just listen to me for once.”

Here we go. Me and Sandra are technically broken up. But lately it seems like things are getting back to normal. Like we could potentially get back together. And let’s be honest. I really ain’t do shit in the first place. I can’t help who I know. But women never forget. They just compartmentalize. Which is why no matter how normal things feel, I know longer trust it. And I’ve trained myself to no longer need to.

“So, you kicking me out?” I asked.

“No. I would never kick you out. You can stay if you want but I’m leaving. Just don’t be here when I come back boy.” Sandra said playfully while attaching the same earrings I bought her that one day in Oak Park.

Is she serious? I know she’s joking and said it in her familiar flirtatious tone, but still. Last time she went out, I fell asleep at my laptop and when I woke up to a tipsy Sandra shaking me awake, she begged me to spend the night because she sleeps better when I’m there. I wonder why head ass.

“No that’s cool. I’m glad I got to see you. Ima go get something to eat and head home.” I responded.

“Los, I don’t mind you staying. I really don’t. I just don’t understand why you make the simple things so difficult, and the hard stuff look effortless. But let’s play games even though we’re both grown as hell.” Sandra said. “I’ll be back before midnight because I’m fucking exhausted.”

Now who’s playing games? Everything she just said was game. Sandra don’t really like going out that much. So, she’ll literally be back around 11:30pm and not a minute later because she has work tomorrow. I on the other hand am off for the entire weekend. So even though it’s Friday and I have no plans, Sandra knows I can make plans that start as soon as I leave and she won’t see me again until God knows when. This is just her way of keeping tabs on me.

“Just order pizza from Bertollis and save me the edges.” Sandra instructed.

“No. It’s okay. Ima grab a club at Starships and call it a night.” I replied.

“No, you’re not, Los. You’re gonna end up staying out all night like you always do. Do whatever you want.”

See what I’m saying? Smart as a whip. She’s going to age gracefully. I hope one day I’m around to see it.

[teacherintransition]

You Don’t Stop!

Gotta keep moving …DON’T do the rocker!

As I approach my up coming birthday, there is a feeling of desperation to get this right

I’m not a big zombie flick fan …I never watched The Walking Dead, or watched any of George Romero’s The Night of The Living Dead … they gross me out. I confess I did watch Marc Forster’s World War Z, starring Brad Pitt; the zombies seemed less gooey, so I could handle it better. Just ask any of my students: “Mr. Rich doesn’t do scary!” I distinctly remember a line early in the film, where Brad Pitt’s character is trying to get a family to leave with them to avoid the zombies and save their lives. He tells the family, they have to keep moving …that “movement is life.” Whoa, I instantly gathered a multitude of meaning on that three word line in the script. Yeah, moving will keep you safe from mindless killers that want your brain; but it’s a template for anytime in one’s life …zombies or no.

My thinking is always out from left and the imagination that accompanies it can sometimes create counter productive scenarios. Case in point, I’ve had an infuriating, miserable cold this week; and I’ve chosen to rest to accelerate my recovery. Good idea! My workout regimen has been to ride my bike five miles every other day and to ride a stationary bike for twelve minutes and do weight workouts on alternate days. May I introduce over active imagination and his sidekick unconventional over thinker. Observe how these two take the line, “movement is life,” and turn it into an existential crisis for the teacher in transition; all the while the teacher’s birthday quickly approaches …and, ACTION! Not working out, taking naps instead of writing and illustrating, staying put at the house leading yon transition guy into a mindset that stuff is falling apart. Nothing is getting accomplished, chaos, time slipping away, cats and dogs raining from the sky. Oh it’s a scene man.

I confess that I struggle with this more often than I let on in my little essays of wisdom that I put out weekly. Last week’s article played on the realization that we of the middle age understand; time is running out, which flies in the face of a lot of my earned wisdom that this retirement thing is supposed to be about; slowing down and easing life’s pace. It is, I know it is and I know that I’ve struggled with anxiety all throughout my life. The solid truths that hold me up: I do have much less anxiety; I am feeling accomplished; I do have a healthy activity level. If I can continue to reign in my overactive mind, I’ll get this retirement, change of life thing feeling chill. Over the last two plus years of this column, I’ve focused on the wisdom I’m learning, but haven’t communicated much of the struggle. Yes, yes, yes, I know that we must learn to grasp the power of the immediate moment as that is all that can truly be lived. The last article focused on how our past sets up the now …the moment; establishing a balance between the two. It appears this week, I’m dealing with how the immediate can affect how the time we have turns out. It’s ok if we do nothing for whatever reason. Doing nothing isn’t necessarily a waste of time if you enjoy it, and taking a day here and there doesn’t mean you’ve abandoned the program. Just keep your mind and motion moving, and a meaningful, self satisfying path won’t run out of road.

My biggest lesson that I can’t let my self forget …we only have one day to live; whether we are fifteen, fifty of eighty. I know who I am (I’m working on it anyway) and I know what I want. If I can achieve confidence in these things, an occasional plan change isn’t going to derail that. I’m gonna get better now …I’ll achieve super stuff tomorrow. It’s ok.

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

I feel like god was trying to talk to me with this post. I am also unwell and quite misanthropic because im in a str8 relationship and im at that weird phase where I need to clean my room so I can get a job and whatever. I have my plans I just need to actually do them, which is usually the hard part for someone that often forgets to eat until they're fucking seething and its too late.

as of right now ive been diagnosed with adhd and bpd. I have an odd feeling I might be autistic too so I;ll get that checked out asap. I feel like ive overlooked ocd too much too. im gonna see what all that is about.

I have so many ouches from trying to understand the balance between being a pushover and being an asshole. between being too lenient with myself and being too harsh. these kinds of dualities split my mind into painful shards and I often don't try to better myself because it is just so painful to breathe when im in the moment.

ive been getting better tho. learning a lot about different aspects of myself. grapefruit is so nice. protein is nice.

I don't know how to trust anyone really. I used to be so naive. so ready to help everyone. not knowing how tired I was gonna be. how many battles I would fight left unappreciated.

they all say you learn by making mistakes. but what do you do if you keep making the same mistake over and over again?

forgiving yourself is the only way to actually learn from your mistakes.

when people start getting bitchy towards you (perceived or real), forgiving yourself is the ONLY way to learn from your mistakes. your progress will likely not be nearly as fast as you want it, but you will make progress if you forgive yourself. drenching yourself in endless shame will delay any critical thinking or progress that was possible.

its such an evil cycle and it hurts so much, I don't see myself able to apologize if I were to have kids and they asked me why I had them into this horrible world. the existential crisis will hit them too and idk how I would ever apologize for bringing them into this horrible mess.

im so selfish.

ok enough is enough. whichever one of you virgins invented instagram starbucks recipes, die 1000 deaths. I had a customer come in today holding out their phone (full brightness) and looking all shy and Im immediately like 🙄 fine ok, what does the instagram user want me to make for them this time. well this time it's a cringe harry potter themed frappucino. excuse me??? "can you make this for me?" I said excuse me??? -- I mean *customer service voice* "yeah it looks like I have all the ingredients, haha sure!"

ok cringe instagram harry potter frappucino drinker. ok. die. "Ive never had this drink before" yeah I can tell due to the fact that it didnt exist until someone posted a #aesthetic photo of it to instagram 14 hours ago ok. ok,

but whatever, Im paid to put up with this shit. so I add the ingredients all up on my computer and congrats! ur harry potter cringe social media drink has $10 worth of syrup in it. are you happy??? is this what you wanted??? a $10 frappucino??? $10. for a drink. you doubled the price of this drink for ur off-brand "harry potter and the legend of the overpriced starbucks drink" drink. you doubled the price!!! is this how u imagined spending ur day? is this what u wanted to do when u woke up this morning? $10 for a 24oz drink?

and u know, you KNOW the influencer making this recipe doesn't even work at a starbucks cause when it was all said and done the drink looked like shit. my blender was straining against the weight of your sins (and syrups) and Im sweating, Im an animal, Im losing my mind and my blender is getting watered down frappucino syrups everywhere -- u put so much shit liquid in this blender it doesnt even fit in the cup btw. it's making a huge mess. but is it instagramable? no, its fucking ugly. #trending #foryoupage #cringe $10 harold potter drink for adult children,

so are you happy? is ur social media influencer bestie happy? I made ur stupid $10 drink for u. does it taste good? no? well I hope instagram shuts down tomorrow. I hope you read a different book. I hope I never get sober. there is no sign of land. I hope you die. I hope we both die.

[herunswithscissors]

David Attenborough adventures around in his old age playing with a lemur and turns to the camera and be like

Behold this beautiful yet terrifying Cosmos and the plucky bands of happy bountiful plants and critters that play together there.

I think that's what we all really love about him. If you can learn anything from David, learn to see the world that way. It's what he would have wanted.

He's not dead or anything.

Good God! No! He's fucking rich and happy living his best life ever.

He's just never going to read this and go "This!"

It's just you me and the 10 other people in this Tumbler backwater echo chamber Tumbler stashed me into who have even glanced at "Behold this terrifying dessert and the happy bountiful plants and critters that play together there." Let alone read anything more.

Well, my fellow weirdos, we have no gods or kings, and saviors are looking thin, but we got a few prophets. David is one of them.

Watch David's Nova episodes. They're his masterpieces. Marrying his love and unchecked wonder with FUCKING NOVA! It's like David met Goliath and they raised a child together after deciding not to fight after all.

Anyway I'm high and I'm starting to ramble.

See the world more like David doesn't mean "believe in everything he says and does"

I'm sure he's got some questionable views and has abused his place a bit with the ladies or whatever. But have you seen his peers? He's about 95% perfect other than all his cultural baggage that he's been so desperately trying to overcome all these years and was so excited to help his other Whites finally get with the program too! Look how much he's grown and helped us all to grow up even more!

He's more of a saint than a prophet then. Well, watch the Nova Works of Saint David Attenborough to learn how to see the world with more wonder and, I'm just wildly guessing because I know absofuckinglutely nothing of his personality life and his views on anything. And let me tell you. I want to keep it that way. If someone needs justice get them justice. If something heinous in his past comes up I want to know all about it. But I think he's just a decent White British guy with a bit too much money power and privilege even for his saintly good. He seems to have handled it about as well as Saint Fred Rogers. I don't want to learn nothing more about Fred's problematic shit. I'm sure it's nothing any of us wouldn't had done in his shoes. Given all he was. And sometimes a guy just fuckers it all up on a whole fucking lot. So fucking what. We basically know what he's like.

I have to admit to somebody and my therapist will laugh at me to much. But if Mister Rogers ever turned out to be a kiddie diddler or some shit I might kill myself. At the very least I'll have a lengthy existential crisis. I might have a major breakdown.

I gotta let that man be a Saint, but Jesus just shined out of that man so brightly and he loved me so much when I was at a very vulnerable age. His love was like another family member watching over me for an hour every single morning.

Every single morning Mister Rogers loved me and talked to me and played games with me and took me on adventures with him and introduced me to his friends and co-workers and all the cool people we meet along the way. And he helps me see the world around me a bit more for a moment and I always appreciated that. Those were often my favorite parts. Whenever we watched Mister Rogers in church daycare or something, because we'd all just sit down and watch for a whole hour it felt anyway. The only time kids minds world wander was during the educational segments. Those were the commercials and the kids could get up to stretch a bit or just go play and work off some energy while the handlers were paying attention.

I loved the educational segments. I kinda talk like them sometimes at the zoo with the kids. It's creepy.

Which is probably why I gravitate towards a decent guy like David. But this is all just a sideshow.

The main point is Behold this beautiful yet terrifying Cosmos and the plucky bands of happy bountiful plants and critters that play together there!

[darksideofclouds]

Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head. I miss you.

Are you okay? Are we good? God, I don't want to feel like I'm being pushy or anything but is everything here okay?

Are you, I don't know, mad at me? Was it something I said? Or something I did?

Why do I feel like you're avoiding me?

Why do I feel like you're just pushing me away? I know maybe you're just busy, maybe you're just fine, maybe I'm just too self-centered, maybe everything's just the same but for some reason it doesn't feel like it to me.

I mean, you didn't have to be there through my crisis. I know I ran away from everything and if I hurt you in some way doing that (I don't think so but anyway) I'm sorry. I am, truly. It was very hard for me to keep it together and just talk to you like nothing was happening, because everything was all over the place. I didn't want to make you feel like you had to, I don't know, do something, because in the end I knew you wouldn't know what to do or say. You don't have to.

But you know what, for fuck's sake it felt lonely as fuck. It felt like shit. And I'm so fucking sorry for saying this but it felt like you were just fine with that. And I know we've been friends for such a short time, and probably I'm being selfish for thinking that way and that's why it feels terrible, because I know you have your own stuff to deal with and so little time I guess. And I've been here before, in the dark, and you didn't know what to do then either, so trust me when I say I knew you just wouldn't do anything, I already knew that, and I allegedly didn't expect anything from you so you don't really have to worry. But again, yeah, it just felt extremely lonely.

And it's not like I don't have any friends. I talked to them for hours, had drinks with them, smoked with them, cried with them, went out, walked with no destination, had something to eat, and did fun stuff. It would have been fucking nice to share one of those with you, though. Why do you think I say it's on me? Because I don't give a fuck if you can pay for anything or not, I don't, seriously, it's not that big of a deal and it's not that much you know, what's big of a deal to me is the fucking moment, the sharing. What the fuck about money, fuck that shit. I just wanted to share something with you, give you a fucking great time, just take you out for anything because you said last week you were having such a hard time with your thoughts, too. I know you hate it to be invited to do anything, but what the fuck, dude. It feels like I'm forcing you to have a friendship with me and I'm sorry but it's like, I don't know, it feels shitty. Maybe you don't want my friendship at all and I'm just not understanding that.

This whole existential crisis of course has to do with you, it has to do with so many things, and I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. If you're pushing me away because of that just fucking say it, 'you know what? I just feel like you're too much', it'd be great to have a reason and not just be like 'okay, whatever'. I don't care that fucking little, I can't, I care so fucking much. I am so fucking much.

But indifference is such shit, I can't deal with that. I can't stand it. Why is it that we used to talk every fucking day and now we're just barely talking? Am I overreacting? I'm sorry if I am but I hope you understand it. And I know you're probably just busy, I fucking know that and I restrain myself from feeling anything because I repeat that to myself over and over, but like I said, it just doesn't feel like it, something's kinda off. If you feel guilty for that Thursday we couldn't meet, trust me, I didn't mind, I knew the plan came out of nowhere and just didn't work out. But that day was kinda rough for me for other reasons, and I'm sorry if it made you feel uneasy. Or maybe you don't feel anything about that day and that's cool.

But after all you've said to me, like talking in a lot of detail about your past relationships, those songs you sent me, asking about my cheating, lightly joking about the fact that because I dress this way it's obvious I cheated, or because I'm a woman I behave in a certain way, the fact that your friendship with girls ended because 'someone' started feeling 'something', the fact that I feel like you're not over your ex, I don't know, dude. I'm not trying to make you feel bad about any of these, so please don't take it that way, I'm just stating how all those things made me feel, you don't have to change any of those, it's who you are and it's your thing. It's just that I don't want to feel like a fucking cliché, it makes me nauseous.

At this point I think you're totally understanding. Part of that existential crisis was just me pushing myself away from you, because I've been feeling stuff for a while and thought 'yeah, maybe all of this is his way of pushing me away and I'm not getting the hint, or he's just going to push me away anyway at some point, so I might as well just go away from this myself now because the kick out will hurt a lot more', and honestly I think the kick out would have hurt a lot less now that I'm here.

Do you understand now why it's such a mess up here? I've thought to myself that a perfect relationship (of any kind) only happens in our imagination, if it keeps on a platonic state, so if that's where I'll have to be with this, that's it. I just want honesty.

I remember asking you who you were in full-fun mode.

But I guess I'll never know.

[codesofcosmos]

The Inner Sky by Steven Forrest:

Aries:

Life force, the will to exist.

Aries teaches courage, existential courage. The right to say: “This is my life and I will seek whatever experiences I need to have, regardless of how smart the act might be. Nothing will stand between me and my growth. No person, no circumstance, not even my own fears will get in the way.”

Courage must be scared into a person. Scary situations will not always make us braver, but we can never become braver without them. Stress and crisis follows Aries. To live in the presence of fears, but to act clearly and decisively anyway- that is the Ram’s art.

Taurus:

Mother Earth is the Bull’s primary teacher- she soothes the spirit, teaches simplicity and calm. What does the fertile Earth teach? Timelessness. Serenity. Peace. How to be infinitely complex and yet still simple. How to be unfashionably deep and yet feel no need to talk about it. In that moment- you have glimpses the endpoint of Taurus. To find that serenity and keep it- that is the Bull’s task.

The Bull’s second great teacher: Silence. Silence breeds simplicity and simplicity breeds peace. Inner silence, the Bull’s true goal. Taurus must touch, he finds the world through his senses, through his skin, through his fingertips, he can never find it through his mind alone. We feel the Earth beneath our feet, we hear the music in our ears, we feel the warmth of our mate’s body pressed against ours. The nature of life? Who knows, who cares. The perfect moment ‘is’ the nature of life. Talking about it only drops the veil again.

Gemini:

The twins- two beings, bound together and fascinated with each other. What do they do? They talk, they listen. They scan each other for clues, for meaningful gestures. Nothing escapes them, no detail is too minute, no trail is too cold.

This sign must remain in motion all the time. There is so much to see and know. Not a minute to waste. Perception; the undigested facts of perception, not their meaning, are Gemini’s food. It only wants to see, to witness the world. Ideas and understanding may arise, but they are not the point. To unravel the secret of the world. To gather all the clues. To see everything. That is Gemini’s endpoint.

Cancer:

To live, the crab must grow a shell. A wall between him and nature. Awareness now turns inwards, towards the heart, towards feelings, towards patterns of reactions. Cancer must feel, they must feel consciousness, they must feel every nuance of life. Cancer’s endpoint? To see the hellish discord of life. And against all odds, and all common sense, to love, trust, and accept all that existence offers.

No sign feels with such intensity. Feelings is what life is about for the crab. But life simply must be let in slowly and in a controlled manner- to drop all defence would be suicidal. The danger of the crabs outer shell- is that their defences can become so efficient that safety can be put ahead of everything, even growth.

Leo:

Leo is a reaction against the inwardness of the Crab. Life now seeks a more palpable expression. Blazing magma may have flowed beneath Cancer’s shell, but in Leo it roars forth with the eruption of a volcano. Expression is the key- everything is given form, everything is expressed. Leo must leave tangible evidence of its internal processes to the world. To create outward symbols of the inward state. Leo’s endpoint? The development of personality.

Virgo:

The Virgin, an image of purity. Attached to nothing; free, unbound by Earthly drama. Yet she is here on Earth, what can she do? She waits. She works on herself. And to pass time, she helps out where she can. Tired of Leo’s fanfare, consciousness reaches for deeper meaning. In Leo, personality attains a pinnacle, it can be taken no further.

Awareness attunes to a new feelings; the hunger of personal transformation. Virgo must grow. But toward what? Purity. Fulfilment. Significance. The goals they set are impossibly distant. Virgo’s endpoint? Perfection. But her first step down that road, Virgo must learn humility.

Libra:

The scales. No light without shadow, no shadow without light. The reconciliation of opposites. Birth meets death. The scales symbolise that part of ourselves that is bothered by nothing, offended by nothing, shocked by nothing. It has signed a peace treaty with chaos. Hurts come and hurts will go, joy and sorrow spin like night and day. Libra must recognise the early symptoms of emotional imbalance. Their peace must be sustained for through effort- it never happens automatically. The goal for Libra, is the attainment of unbreakable inner harmony, to calm down. So simple to say, so hard to do.

Scorpio:

Thinking about death helps the Scorpion to arrive at a certain level of self-knowledge. It’s shock value brings emotional clarity. Scorpio must feel his way through life, and to live each minute as if it were his last. And must create a perfect alignment between his feelings and his actions. This is Scorpio’s endpoint; to live with this kind of intensity. To let nothing hidden behind walls of fear. To make the unconscious conscious.

Scorpios have a vast reservoir of emotional energy, which yes is tied to our sexuality. But this is much more a need for intense emotional encounters than anything physical for Scorpio’s. Because the point here for Scorpio’s is to feel- it is feelings. Suppression creates disharmony between actions and feelings. Feelings are what we must uncover if we are to live happily and decisively in a world where everyone dies.

Sagittarius:

Not the archer but the arrow. It flies faster than sight, whipping through the air, speeding toward the clouds. Awareness expands through the gathering of unfamiliar experiences. That expansion is the lifeblood of Sagittarius. The gypsy, the student and the philosopher. Entering new and exotic environments geographically, intellectually absorbing new facts and points of view, intuitively becoming aware of the laws of the universe attempting to expand consciousness. Three common denominators.

The Archers endpoint? To realise the ultimate meaning of life. To arrive at the Truth. For Sagittarius there is no clear ending, only an endless process. It is a moving, fluid state of being. Perhaps the most difficult to define at a practical level. It is to grasp the wholeness of life and to find our place within it.

Capricorn:

The marriage of one’s nature and one’s public identity - that is Capricorn’s endpoint. It is the oneness of the inward and the outward, proven and expressed in the forum of society. Capricorn is the symbol of integrity. To accomplish the flawless mating of visible public behaviour and invisible personal essence; the sea-goat must be utterly immune to applause. Should he get hooked on social approval, everything is lost. Yet he cannot flee from it. Those clapping hands are always there, tempting him, flirting with him. He must never play to the crowd.

Capricorn’s endpoint? Integrity and solitude. Both must be attained, for it one fails, the other collapses with it. Capricorn must avoid needing another person. Capricorns strategy is dependent on finding practical supports for his self-sufficiency. Only when that inner state of solitude is attained is it safe for the sea-goat to turn his eyes on the world.

Aquarius:

Freedom. That is the Aquarian endpoint. Individuality. The ability to chose our own path. To do what we want to do. The flawless, uncompromising expression of self. Conformity and Aquarians do not get along. Aquarians are geniuses. Genius is the ability to think in ways we have not been taught to think. They have this quality in abundance.

From a young age, they are forced to conform to others expectations, leading the native to believe they have a responsibility to betray themselves. In defending their freedom, they must be prepared to break the hearts of the people who love them. Yes, those people may love them, but that is a far cry from saying that they understand them. The native must live with the hurt, taking what comfort they can in the knowledge that those broken hears are the inescapable price of freedom.

Pisces:

Pisces is the symbol of consciousness itself. Instead of observing the world, Pisces observes the mind observing the world. The objective universe evaporates. All that remains is a vast network of subjective reactions. The Piscean endpoint? The knowledge and realisation that wherever we go, whatever we do, whatever we see, we can meet only one inescapable reality: our own consciousness. The fishes must lose their certainty. They must let go of the world. And recognise that consciousness itself is the only reality we can ever contact and the only reality that ever needs to be adjusted.

Through meditation, the mind becomes aware of itself. And then they are truly able to simply experience consciousness. When Piscean’s unleash their creative powers, they direct attention away from the physical reality, towards awareness itself.