#I have no excuse for myself tho that was just delusion

[shiroselia]

Other than every other reason it’s a fucking miracle that not a single person around me not even myself clocked me as autistic, it’s fucking hilarious that nobody, especially myself, clocked me being autistic as if I haven’t literally been self-narrating my own life outloud ever since I could fucking talk

[vwbugggie]

Quick little shifting journey update:

Lately I’ve just been setting intention (I’ve actually been remembering slaaaayyyyy✌🏻😙😙✌🏻) and the usual visualization (Imagining scenarios is my form of visualization lol, if I’m wrong or if y’all have tips help a girl out. I feel like since I think it’s good enough it works for me tho) before bed (I try to use my five senses but sometimes I forget and that’s okay!)

I’m in my if it happens it happens and if it doesn’t that’s cool too era

Obviously, I still want to shift but I’m more at peace cuz I know it’ll happen (soon tbh) cuz it’s what I deserve (you too besties 😘😘😘) even if I don’t it’s still gonna happen that’s just facts

Also I will no longer be excusing my ‘delusions’ <3 I said what I said LMAO (being delulu is the highest form of manifesting sooooooo)

Also I feel like calling myself delusion (even as a joke) defeats the purpose and sort of hinders the manifestation process??? Cuz it’s sort of subconsciously acknowledging that you don’t really believe that what you want is real and already yours? Idk my silly little thoughts only apply to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Plus I’ve never really given a fuck what people think about me so

(I know no one asked/ gives a fuck lmao but I feel like writing it down and making it public makes it happen/ makes me hold myself accountable. Also this is my blog so I can do what I want. This is the only time ima say that 😘.)

That’s it for now!

Love y’all, y’all are so kind on here <3

[silver-wield]

Some zerith is bringing back your zack is a cockhold tweet and they're offended that they feel they ain't welcome in the CT fandom. You'll see some CTs completely be dense why you have those opinions lol. I think they forget that you're not just a Tifa fan and that you actually like Zack a lot. That tweet was supposed to be sarcastic af because aerith isn't really doing the bare minimum of what we wish we could see from her. She's been disrespectful of cloti's (cloud especially) privacy and space. She doesn't care about her new friend's feelings, neither does she remembers her own mother. If you look at her and see beyond the lenses of rose colored glasses? She's honestly a character with such wasted potential. I honestly had to wake myself up reading her TOTP part. Maybe if she was actually shown to care about her own narrative (her parents, more cetra and shinra lore) more than just boys in the game, it would have been sold on me. Those points are honestly so brushed aside you only actually remember about her is flirting with boys and she died.

It's cute tho when they police a CT's opinion. They're acting like a cult for goodness sake. I'm a CT, I have my own opinion. I wont just follow what others think for the sake of being a "good" CT. Wtf does that even mean lol. Not hating any character? Not criticizing any character? Not expecting responsibility for their shitty actions so they wouldn't be a mary sue? I've seen their thought process tho, they're one of those who like to keep this echo chamber that aerith's just a match maker w/o realizing how stupid af that is. It'll only end up hurting tifa and making cloud uncomfortable. They're trying so hard to still like aerith, it's actually telling. Nobody has to try so hard liking zack, cloud and tifa people.

Some CTs sometimes like to act superior but don't realize they're also in a cult. If they can't defend aerith other than "she's beloved, they wouldn't make her a trash" and other mental gymnastics about what should be blah blah, then that isn't it. The writer has already failed to naturally make her likable unless you wield it to be like a few on copium I've seen already.

Funny how people trawl through my twitter just looking for things to be "outraged" about when they know for a fact I don't like Aerith and refuse to act like she's not some slimy bitch and Zack is being cuckolded by her.

Zack deserves better.

And it's also funny how they'll get all irate over their precious pink trashbag and expect the "good clotis" to come to their aid, but they're fucking silent af when it comes to defending Tifa or clotis against the constant barrage of harassment and hate we get daily.

So excuse me for not really giving a shit about their hurty feewings and forced delusion that she's "perfect" over a character with shitty traits that are shown in the game, but they started it by never standing up for any of us.

[shinycollarboneapologist]

okay let's be boring and go with ace as a name bc that's my nickname irl bc I'm a massive gilmore girls fan (team logan btw iykyk)!!

I really want to attempt writing fics but I'm wayyyy to nervous! I was okay at English in school and I always send obnoxiously long asks into blogs on here with my ideas based on their fics (sorry fellow tumblr.com authors you all get forced to see my writing) but I have nightmares of writing and putting it on here only to be bullied off the platform ahahahahah

jealous of the sun bathing in England rn its been pissing it down raining all dayyyyy, we only get like 1 week of sun a year and the rest of the time its very stereotypically rainy !! my day was shit but always better after taking to you bff!

also please excuse my excessive use of exclamation marks idk why but to me a full stop feels mean and I also use ellipsis way too much but I, like you, am the drama so I love to build unnecessary tension...

I've actually always wanted jury duty but I've never been called for it, I know it's meant to be so boring but I want to live my jury duty delusion of being a hot juror! a torrid jury love affair? hello I'd read that fic

spring break always sounded so fun to me as a sad English child!! we just call it Easter holidays and be boring and religious but when I hear spring break I imagine drunk people on a beach in florida yk?

my current obsessions for blogs are;

-lottiecrabie (pfms has me in a chokehold)

-toomuchracket (living in the flatmate! matty delusion rn)

-byyourside28 (loving the soft sound series as a person obsessed with getting tattoos)

-justlikemebutsixfootthree (literally all their smut is god tier)

-bookishstrawberry (fluffy and gizmo series has my heart)

-imightgetbetter (the whole love it if we made it series has me wanting children but only fictional ones with matty... the delusion creation is STRONG)

and OF COURSE the no 1 blog on tumblr is the beautiful, amazing and unmatched... shinycollorboneapologist

omg yes to only letting matty into our cottage to sing, we will bring him out tea and cigarettes but otherwise no rats allowed sorry ratthew!! taylor however gets the master suite with a 4 poster bed and unlimited pampering!! same with Ross, George and Adam bc only ratty needs humbling (I really do love you tho Matthew give me one chance I'll be your controversially young gf)

ily bff!!!

-ace (my new name rip illicit affairs anon you will be missed)

ps. apologies for the ridiculously long ask I literally am so obnoxious

..... i love gilmore girls. lets chat abt that.

okay that is very ... warranted. i also was super nervous and tbh ... style was probably never going to be posted but i was a bit inebriated after my birthday and just posted it without looking back. look at us now!!! so for that, i say you should 110% just take the leap. i will be your #1 fan actually.

i will send the sunshine and good vibes your way. i usually like the rain a lot, but i can imagine it gets a bit tiring if its like that all year long. im glad you had a good day!!!!

i love your use of exclamation points okay. there i said it. it just makes everything you say feel so excited and happy and i love it. the ellipses ...... love that for us. ofc you are the drama, you're the main character hello.

that is how i want my spring break to be, but alas i am working and writing my silly little stories for tumblr.com. SGLJFDLG easter holiday just sounds so cute though?

okay can we talk about pfms.... because that. that fic is my hyper fixation atm. like i just … it’s everything to me.

also all of those blogs i follow and love more than life itself. most of them axtually inspired me to write myself which is like 🫂 i use all of them as my silly little delusional daydreams (esp toomuchrackets flatmate!matty, the things i would do for that man and justlikemebutsixfootthree’s recent smut… jeez)

please you are too kind. idk abt no 1 blog BUT… i’ll take it okay.

maybe some cheese too, since he is a rat. taylor gets the master suite with us, we’ll bake her little cookies and biscuits and give her the best pampering treatment of her life. (also pls let’s not conjure matty to my blog … that would be so embarrassing to me i think i would keel over and die) (i also will fight u for the spot of matty’s controversially young gf)

ilysm and i hope u have a great day

[caffeine-freee]

The last time I posted about Star Wars

1) I still thought tlj was redeemable

and 2) ros or anything since had not come out

So I am here to say FUCK tlj and FUCK ros

Tlj had come out at a time in my life when I was very fragile and then same with ros. I bullshitted myself into making excuses for tlj but I did end up dropping them because no that shit sucked.

And then ros came out.

I had vague expectations that they might be able to pull something decent together.

Wow was I wrong.

I've never walked out of a theatre before but I wanted to. I needed to see it though tho cause I'd already subjected myself to all of this and well. It was just bad. So bad. I think at this point everyone has said everything that is to say. I haven't read much and I remember even less about what people were saying about ros upon release or since. But I'm sure y'all got it covered.

It just sucks to feel like they specifically went out of their way to give the middle finger to the fan base. Funnily enough that's the same mood bbc sherlock had so I guess I just like media that fails it's fans. Oh also the NHL but that's besides the point.

The point being is that even with all of the above, I have rested the last several years and now will continue consuming star wars media because holy shit there's a crap ton more than I ever expected.

With the exception that not only do tlj and ros suck, for my intents and purposes never happened! Wild how they just never did those next two movies in the trilogy! Sam can have one delusion. As a treat.

And now to descend into the depths of d*sney pl*s

[torawro]

that’s rl one of my favorite memes but let me just say. i already said this in our messages but i just want to express my gratitude and my complete flattery for the fact you, thee hellavile, dedicated this to lil ole me like…..what? are we serious????? you’re just too kind to me and become one of my closest friends & mutuals ! idk how often you dedicate a whole piece to someone but this is the first time anyone has done this and so unprovoked!!!! makes me treasure it more so thank you 🥺🥺 and doin it with one of my (our) favorite characters made this even more special cause you know how i feel about ‘ke <3

getting into the actual content of the fic tho, this was so so so good i really liked it, the comfort the reader and sasuke have in their relationship, it all seems so personable and very realistic in a way that i can see myself doin this 🙈i really enjoyed the coraline piece you added in there like that’s just….i like how even added that at all and you always have that certain charm to your fics that really paints a picture for the audience ✨ you really are unique when it comes to writing bc nurse!sasuke????? doin a residency and making his rounds at the hospital after class? that is so different, never seen it before and i love ittttt ! then there’s the build up & smut 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 you did say it was pwp and you didn’t disappoint 😩 let me get my screenshots bc ik you like when i do that 🤭

it’s so many things i can point out here that literally had my squealing in my bed like the noises were AUDIBLE. i was smiling so hard reading this and let my delusions take over 🫶🏾 when HE SLAPPED. OUR. CLIT. THREE TIMESSSSSSSXDWMQ! that’s when i lost my mind official bc i personally love the idea of that and it just sent me into overdrive 😩 i can see that damn smirk in my head rn and my toes are curling. eating it through our panties ????? GODDD HES SO IMPATIENT ITS HOT. chain dangling in our face? perfection. then him saying “look at her wanting more” like excuse me ?????????3,2233@2@ brain short circuited bc i can very much heat the condescending tone and hbghhhhh whew. and soft sexxxxx you know ima sucker for that it’s one of my favorites >///< i hate rambling too much but all ima say is this was a 13/10 fic i love it and love when you write sasuke <3 it’s like you’re doin it for me and not just your fanbase

COZY ☆ sasuke uchiha.

★ 𖥻 synopsis. nurse sasuke misses touching you.

     ‍ ☆. warnings — 2.1k. pwp. fem!reader, lowercase intended, pleasure!dom, sub reader, eats through the panties, teasing, praise, overstimulation, fingering, slow missionary, soft spoken sasuke ofc, clit spanks, neediness, face grabbing/smacking, pet names [ baby/babe, princess, pretty ] ,black coded. minors aren’t welcomed ! reblogs & comments are appreciated. for you, my pretty @sailewhoremoon

Keep reading

[cloudsrust]

YO LOBOTOMY CORP AND NSR? TWO OF MY FAVORITE THINGS? You got some amazing tastes! What are your favorite abnormalities? (Personally I love Clouded Monk and Army in Black.)

Guess it’s just my deep need for unusual characters in media- the weirder they are the more I love :,> plus both got object head/inhuman characters so I’m just in heaven with ‘em dsdsdhs.

And ohhhhh boiii- gotta find the strenght to not cite more than a half of them all or this ask is gonna be infinite ahah. They all just so neat,,, (Ohh! Those two have really good stories, especially Monk! Also a Zayin turning Aleph upon you fricking up? We love the sadism of Project Moon.) (!!Obvious spoilers for Lobotomy Corp!!)

Mhhh- so! I already said two of them: -Funeral of the Dead Butterflies (cw: death mentions, bugs) I love his design to bits plus c’mon,,, he attacks you with butterflies-... butterflies from a coffin and a literal hand gun. The thing that hits me the most it’s his flavor text and description though, so cold yet poetic, direct and harsh- is one of those many info pages that make you understand how dark Lobotomy Corp is and I love it. Weird abnormalaty to be one of my faves tho since I’m panicked by only thinking about death in a direct way eh;;; -Void Dream (cw: dreams used as escapism) They’re a sheep- a sheep perpetually tired... how can I not love them,, sgdsgd. Alright joking apart- the whole thing about using dreams as escapism is just really interesting, it’s a thing that many just go through (me included) while others just remain trapped into it? To the point of delusion- of not accepting reality anymore,,, it’s both a terribly frightening and fascinating concept- especially with how they convey it ingame! (The whole- if sleeping employes are awaken during their breach they instantly go mad? Reality kicking in right there.)

These are the main two faves explained! I’ll write more under the cut ‘cause I just really like to ramble about them and also some of the topics get a bit darker,,

Some more faves are: -Blood Bath (cw: self harm, suicide) This one makes my wrists crawl just by looking at the suit and weapon,, but I think it’s one of the reasons I find it interesting- and also because of its serene yet chilling look. It’s presence is calm- but you can just feel that something is wrong, the blood and cuts being the lowest on the frightening scale. The story is just heart-wrenching, at least for me, and I like that they had the respect to be crude and keep it quite real while describing what Carmen was going through. The last line also hits me everytime ngl;; I do prefer its legacy version though- because of the more personal final observation- especially with the choice to grab the hand or not. Those hands though.. oh those hands-,, no matter what, they’re still stretching outward and asking for help with such streght- I don’t know, it’s both hopeful and depressing to see that all that remains of its victims is that. -Today’s Shy Look Even if they killed my self insert first time around I forgive ‘em lmao. This one I like because of the way it rappresents shyness as something more than just a cute thing or an excuse. As an extremely shy person myself, reading the last phrase of their story is so sad- the way they just ask to let them have at least the space between their face and their skin mask as only their own- a space to be themselves without the need to stretch their face into a smile for the sake of others :,> -Der Freischütz (cw: guns) Hella cool looking and his story is quite familiar- makes sense since he is a “fairytale” category- heck I gotta figure out the real story that inspired it. But a cold hearted huntsman who tried to trick the devil just for the latter to let him destroy everything he loved himself and let his own soul get a free pass for hell? Love him. I like drammatic stories with an open or bad end I guess eh;; -The Burrowing Heaven (cw: eyes) Just the name itself makes me love it. I like when things usually associated with good get turned around- and with such sneaky and cool sounding names! The story I also love how is written- it’s like a poem. Imma sucker for poetic sounding things and this game spoils me to no end,, Also its aesthetic? Beautiful. -Child of the Galaxy (cw: abusive friendship, suicide) 10/10 would use him to train my weaklings in spite of the danger anytime lmao. Once again- the story does it for me. Especially the way the opening segment is described in such an ethereal and friendly way- and then you read that it’s from the diary of one of his victims,, Obsessive friendships or obsessive need for attention and love are more topics that are interesting for me to read about- just how such a nice thing can become so dark and abusive- brrr scary. I also feel it portrays the feeling of being the victim of one of these relationships in some way- always feeling observed, walking on eggshells with everything you do- scared of what they might do or think, the feeling of just being used, of not being in control- geez this game is ruthless when you look into them stories;; -The dreaming Current (cw: drugs) I love this shark boyo so much;;; their design is so surreal, creepy and colorful?? Just- woah,, Their origins are also so sad- a child’s life made of pills and comatose dreams to let them have “normal” experiences,, so heartwarming yet depressing sobs. Also this boi’s weapon shoots bubbles-... b u b b l e s- I want to get them just to use that weapon on an Aleph or Waw just for laughs sdysdsh. -The Trio of Magical Girls (Queen of Hatred, Knight of Despair, King of Greed) I still count the boxes and pray everytime I send someone in King of Greed while they’re under a certain percent;; I love all three designs, but I also love the “Uh? No more problems? We gonna be the problem then!” vibe they all mostly have sahdhsgd. All of them show how any good thing, if you have or do too much, can become bad. Sense of justice and love, compassion and loyalty, happiness- they easily become hate, despair and greediness. I’m especially fascinated by Kind of Greed due to the all thing about desire becoming something impossible for humans to fully satisfy and becoming their own cage- deep stuff for me to overanalyze ahahah. -Big Bird (cw: eyes) Birb. They big and they birb. Perfection lmao. Alright for real- the whole story of the three birds is quite good, showing that our worry over something can become an even bigger threat than the thing itself (Note to myself right there;;).  I just also really love the big bird boyo,, they a mess to keep at bay during ordeals and stuff but they adorable so I forgive the “casualties” ohoh. I would rant on and on but this is already so long- idk who will even read all this stuff but,,, it makes me happy so I guess it’s more for me than others eh;; :,>

[blaqueswanzaghouliishiilikeda]

Two times in my life I'd tried to escape this life, only to be brought back with my wings broken.

i just read that this is a thing lestat says (in tvl?) and if you’ll excuse me i will be screaming for the next 20 minutes. bc wowowowoWOWOWOWOWOW. he staunchly refused to break the cycle. he chose instead to break claudia’s wings with the cycle. oh i hate the broken winged bird metaphor that left her room a mess. that she didn’t bother to clean. bc it wasn’t her mess. bc its louis’ mess. (“you wanted her you fix her”) bc louis didn’t bother to pay attention enough to know that’s not what she needed. and it doesn’t even matter bc he can never give her what she needs. and lestat can give her what she wants, but he can’t get past the fact that she shouldn’t be here to want anything in the first place. and would giving her another teenage companion be the solution?? who the fuck is to say. im betting no. im betting noooo!! she tries to leave twice!!! each time she’s brought back with her wings broken. WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW somebody put me down

oh this is the beginning of the end of me being able to hold myself together bitch. also im gonna drop this off rights here bc points were made and points punched me right in the left titty.

yani is right she allowed herself to believe the delusions until she couldn’t but there really wasn’t any happy ending for claudia. not in life. not in an undead life and they won’t even let her rest in her death. when we were introduced to her she had accepted her death. she closed her eyes and waited for the flames to take her. but the eternal longing nature of vampirism played with her mind and her ability to really see what was there.

we’ll never know what would have been if she had never been a victim of the race riots bc she was so it doesn’t even matter to muse what could have been there bc it couldn’t have ever been. i do agree that it wouldn’t have been great tho. if she hadn’t of ended up with louis in this way she might of ended up with another pimp like louis, but again what she was was a victim of the race riots . she breathed in too much smoke to even make it on the other side of that. and if by some miracle she did she wouldn’t have lasted long. i agree she was destined to die and frozen eternally in that destiny only in a prolonged state. kept alive to hold together a marriage that was already dead, with a father who preferred her dead, and so louis could make right with decisions he made in a dead and gone past.

but she still had to sit up in that house and look at what loustat had. what they took for granted. what they refused to see. like every teenager who feels caged she pacified herself with delusions of what might have been or the unlikely possibly that she could make it far on her own if she could just get away from it. but she’ll never get to leave the house as an adult. if she leaves she’ll always be a child. and always a black one too. and always a girl too. there is no happy ending. there is no escape. there is only a long arduous journey to a tragic end she should of had already.

iwtv ep 5 rewatch thoughts

opening with the scene within which i have built a home and become a permanent resident. right here in the moment rashmand smiles stupidly and louis slonks (🤭) every last drop of his blood. how anyone thinks they’re boring idk idk idk

they are being clear here that this isn’t consumption for the sake of sustenance. this is bloodletting as sex play and as power play. Danny is not having dinner. so its clear that this isn’t feeding as a meal but it is feeding as sexual exhibition at its most delicious. Danny is reading about claudia’s violent acts via the written recording of her victim’s last words while loumand basically vampire fuck at the other end of the table. this is also setting up the sexual violence to come for claudia and also for louis.

i think it is intentional that louis is the one feeding from armand for several reasons. one being because of what lestat does to him, which we see later on. this is power play for louis in a setting where he has voluntarily and possibly in some aspects dubiously relinquished control over to his lover armand. also bc of the connection between daniel and armand. they are revealing rashid as armand slowly here and his and louis’ involvement with daniel in the past. Daniel isn’t dumb. they know he can figure out the inconsistencies of louis drinking from armand and louis drinking from damek. this leads to daniels curiosity about how armand tastes like and his weight and louis puts daniel’s hidden attraction out on display against his wishes to throw him off. and daniel orders rashid around to take back some power.

i also think it’s a call back to the power dynamic of their first meeting. louis has power over daniel, and it seems he’s the one in control of the entire situation but then he checks in with armand before moving forward. in this moment in the present dubai 2020 setting louis has power over daniel (regardless of him no longer being that naive young man) and he plays the role of the one with the power over rashid, but the power he is receiving is from armands 500+ year old blood that he is offering to louis as the character he is playing. lord take me.

i think it’s interesting that daniel is feasting on claudia’s private memories but objects to louis reading and exposing his personal thoughts. even tho louis has shown time and again that he does that and would do it again. choices/consent is the big issue in this episode.

Daniel: man with green vest: please no. man with fat fingers: please stop. window washer: i can’t die like this. woman with purple shoes: please. boy with inner tube and dog: let my dog live. please no. please stop. stop. oh here’s a good one—man in the last row of The Son of Sheik picture show: You said you had cigarettes.

this is the first recounts we hear him read from claudia’s journal—claudia, who did not get a say in whether her voice and story be used by louis, armand and daniel in this way. He reads this and it’s clear that he [daniel] hadn’t actually consented to being the voyeur of loumand’s sex play given his visible discomfort/agitation. He continues anyways, trying his best to focus on the task at hand and not his bisexual longing for the men at the other end of the table bc even with everything he is reading and witnessing he is still attracted to them in all their insanity and monstrosity.

im interested in the fact that he pointedly reads out (“here’s a good one”) the misleading nature of the last one. “You said you had cigarettes.” i think it speaks to the fact that daniel came here to dubai for a supposed second interview and is slowly but surely realizing he is getting something else entirely. he continues “School teacher, guard your heart. i’m trying to think of something more fucked up than this.” he could be just talking about what claudia has written, but i think it’s also the fact that this is the section of his reading that loumand have chosen to be overtly sexual in front of him for as he reads. all this and he doesn’t even know yet of rashid being armand and his role in claudia’s death, though i’m sure he’s having suspicions of everything by now. also that louis, with being faced with the piece of claudia he doesn’t like to acknowledge, the monstrosity of her vampire nature, focuses of drinking from armand the man who killed his beloved daughter (something he said about “i run to the bottle” etc. etc). it does in fact get more fucked up danny.

and when armand implies that daniel is no better by revealing the danger it poses on louis and exposing louis’ suicidality without his permission (“he lives to share these opinions even when they are not solicited”) and revealing he doesn’t even want this book to happen, louis fights back by leaning into his power over daniel and exposing his thoughts about armand, and continues to, even when danny makes it clear his thoughts were not being voluntarily shared—that he did not want louis in his mind at all. he even interrupts rashmand in the middle of telling daniel he wouldn’t let him near his neck to offer up more information abt rashid (much to armands annoyance) that clearly isn’t even true after reading daniel’s mind again when daniel just explicitly told him not to. and when louis does that daniel fights back by leaning into his perceived power over rashid—louis’ servant—by demanding more of something to drink without even looking at him. and at this armand picks up his lil ipad and leaves without even picking up daniel’s glass, being the one who is actually the most powerful in the room. this is crazy. this is actually insane.

all this and armand is the one who killed claudia!!!! the only one who doesn’t get to fight back against her agency being taken from her in this scene!!! i’m going to fucking throw up. who is bored with them!? they are literally putting on thee insane sexy bdsm emo freaks show like…

“ The Son of Sheik” also alludes to the upcoming sexual assault btw. It’s a sequel to “The Sheik” where the protagonist is the son of the sheik in the first film who falls in love with a traveling dancer Yasmine. He rapes her out of retaliation for having been kidnapped and later whipped, which he believes to be her fault bc she is falsely accused of it. like in this episode and like claudia, yasmine’s rape is strongly implied in the movie with the use of pointed language and a scene cut.

this scene closes out with daniel pointing out he can’t get to accurate statistics of claudia’s murders to corroborate her accounts whether he thinks its more or less than what she recounts im unsure. louis points out that he wouldn’t be able to get an accurate account anyways bc of their disposal practices and how cities tend to downplay the dangers within them. daniel wanting all the details and louis making it clear he will have to accept that he can’t always have all the details will be a point of contention later on as we know.

[keepcopinghoe]

catch up pt.1

quick rundown of what’s been going on with me

ramo is the first guy that i’ve consistently and personally interacted with since about 2018 and definitely the first guy who actually around my age that i’ve formed a relatively close bond with. i think it’s for this reason that i’m so attached to him. he frequently described himself as an incel (ironically tho) and i think his last actually non-paid-for sexual relationship was back in 2017. so i stupidly assumed that i was the only girl in his life that he was actually close with and this delusion i think in many ways also is what build the foundation behind the inexplicable quasi-infatuation that i have now.

 on 06th june he told me about some girl that was part of his i***c*** discord which i already knew he was a part of since ages ago. i asked about her and he said she was from lithuania and that he was pissed off because some other guy was orbiting her which immediately set off alarm bells to me since there’s legit no reason to get pissy that someone else is orbiting a girl unless you like her yourself. he also said some shit to me which i think was unintentionally (or maybe intentionally?) hurtful, about how he could easily afford my prices and that i sell myself way below the market rate (both true but still). i think it’s both these things happening at the same time which particularly stung: ramo orbiting some e-girl who is involved in the same interests and hobbies to a greater extent than i am and also the emphasis that i’m a whore (and a cheap one at that) who no one would ever really consider as a serious dating prospect if they knew anything about my history.

i told him shortly after than i didn’t want to see him for a month or so, making up the excuse that it was because i was gonna be too busy. this is partially true cus i did initially have the plan to work every single day until the date of my breast augmentation/lift surgery which would be 25th june, earning like £700 a day in profit if i worked very hard. that didn’t quite come to fruition because there was some guy who booked with me that left a negative review on UKP which led to a fussilade of criticism from various users about me being a power-tripping time waster who frequently ghosted clients. this is kinda true except the power-tripping part; my timewasting is a direct result of substance abuse problems which is a direct result of whoring myself out to men that i often find unattractive. all in the preceding week (i met ramo on a sunday and this shit happened the following week).

two separate people passive aggressively threatened to send me another negative review over text, i have to provide a discounted rate to two of my regulars due to consistantly missing bookings, someone left me a negative review under my AW profile (which they did through sending a booking request that i didn’t confirm) saying that my service had declined massively over the last few months and that it was like ‘fucking a zombie’ and the final night of working on thursday (10/06), i saw this guy who has followed me under various aliases i’ve had in the past (jade/sana/etc.) and that i last meant at kingston premier inn in like june 2019. would have been a nice blast from the past in some respect but i made a stupid retarded decision to do coke with him - i then sniffed poppers which was retarded as well because poppers are a stimulant and speeds the heart up even further which i didn’t really know at the time. i then got super paranoid that i was gonna have a heart attack and kept telling the client in question to ensure that he call an ambulance if i collapsed, which i’m sure really got him in the mood. his name was james and i stupidly told him my real name. he couldn’t come and i felt like shit because i knew he didn’t enjoy himself - he told me in his mind that he had kind of ‘built’ the meeting up and i suppose it must have fallen massively short of his expectations. it is what it is.

i couldn’t sleep really at all due to the coke. i had several meetings arranged for the next day on friday with regulars all of which i cancelled. i just couldn’t continue on with the same routine of waking up in the morning feeling disgusting because i keep eating junk food delivery, doing an enema, getting drunk and just getting fucked until bedtime even though it was really good money.

i fucked around and went to chinatown on saturday evening and was feeling really happy and relieved about not having to work. i’ve figured that i can just make money after my surgeries and start again under a new profile where i don’t have any negative reviews attached to it and maybe rent out an actual apartment on a monthly basis, since it’d be cheaper than air BnB and i can set things up the way i want. i ate sweet and sour fish and egg fried rice, it was taste (ramo always says that lol).

idk what compelled me to do it but on 14th june, i looked through ramo’s likes on twitter. i think it was because i recalled seeing an obvious girl account in his likes previously - this is something i didn’t really think about at all previously but with the new information he had told me the sunday before, i ended up browsing her account which kind of led to a personal crisis. i found out fairly quickly that this girl was the same one he had referred to on discord (m** on discord, j**** on twitter) simply because there were screencaps on her media referring to the same discord and she was definitely from lithuania. i always assumed that women in these circles were lame and bland tradthots who lacked any kind of constitution beyond mindless pandering to irony poisoned scrotes and genuinely retarded wignats but i was suprised at how immediately endearing this girl appeared even to me, through the internet and as someone i have every reason to feel petty resentment towards.

her shitposts were funny and while she is edgy, she has an underlying sweet and kind disposition. her art is shit but cool in its own scrambled way. she’s also apparently only 16 so it’s understandable - i was a lot more cringe at her age and just as shit at art.

the feeling of inadequacy was overwhelming since in addition to being an actual whore, i’m super cringe, lame and normie compared to her. it made completely sense that ramo would orbit a girl like this and i’ve since completely re-evaluated my position and meaning in his life. it’s a good thing that my cope of feelings of intense inadequacy is to launch myself into a phase of hyper-productivity - i kept practicing drawing (apeing her in a way ig since i recently had kind of given up on drawing), fasting, reading, etc. to try and overcome how worthless and self-loathing i felt at being the unwitting basis of comparison to a young girl who was better than me in every conceivable manner. i even listened to msg 3.

i was in so much pain over this that i couldn’t listen to songs which reminded me of ramo (any i****c*** but specifically drug approved and also temptation) and when i did, i just felt anger at my position and a weird resentment towards him. worth mentioning than ramo had sent me a weird bootycall kind of text sometime before then which came across as really crash, so that made me feel even more devalued. 

this is already super long so i’m gonna follow up with a pt. 2 later or maybe edit.

[juupajaa]

This is kinda weird, but my ED claims that because I know I need help and I know that what I'm doing isn't healthy I actually don't have a problem. Because they always say the person with the ED doesn't know they need help, so me acknowledging that or looking for help without someone else pushing actually means I'm not sick and just pretending, exaggerating or weird wannabe

Your ed is a lying bitch, I knew damn well that what I was doing was insanely harmful and that I needed help. Sometimes I was really scared about my health too, but that didn't stop me from being sick.

It's a rare case when someone with an ed doesn't know they have a problem. Most do, for sure. It's usually denial that keeps people from admitting that they need help. (Kinda like your ed is trying to deny your illness right now, hmm🤔🤔🤔🤔 )

Denial can be really dangerous, since it keeps you from taking your own concerns seriously. Right now you're probably reading this like "yeah sure, but not me tho, I'm not in denial", but trust me this applies to you too, since you feel like you're not sick enough, even though you know you're doing something that you shouldn't be doing, and most likely don't even want to do.

There's also something called optimism bias, which is also a form of denial. With optimisim bias people believe that bad things won't happen to them. A common example is reckless driving with the excuse "I know what I'm doing, I won't get into an accident". In eds it's usually something like "oh, I'm not gonna be in any danger because of my eating, I'm not special like those other people"

And you know what else I did, besides being self aware and knowing that being afraid of food isn't normal? I got help by myself, for myself. Even at the peak of my delusion, I willingly walked into a ward and checked myself in, because I knew I was sick and needed help. Sure, I felt like a fraud all the time, but that's just my ed being a cunt.

It's very common to get help for yourself. Having someone else push you into recovery is reaffirming, sure, but there's a flipside to it. Usually when people are forced into recovery their recovery doesn't kick off, since it isn't by their own choice. It is impossible to recover without your own consent, so seeking out help is only a good sign and I'm here for it!!!

[monzterzack]

Sometimes i remember i drew 300 comic pages just becuase i wanted to tell a story

And then i remember that its been like a year since i posted more and that.... no one really minded

And i get a bit sad, cause my ocs mean the world to me but my brain, my body and depression has gotten to the point where im unnable to work like i used to do and i can barely construct coherent thoughts nowadays

So sometimes i start thinking "how if i quit art and stop feeding myself the delusion that my art is worth enough to keep me alive?, why dont i just grow up and accept my dreams and aspirations are childish as best and a fantasy at worst? Why cant i just act like a normal adult, finish my law degree and work on that field? Sure... i hate law and i hate conflict and i hate everything related to that but its good money, why cant i accept im just a regular person and not someone special and that my talents are mediocre at best?"

And it gets depressing really fast, cause i dont wanna quit art, its the only thing i care enough about to keep doing

So sometimes i write super bummed out, and depressed and just.... ugh it pisses me off, my own sadness pisses me off so much, i really want someone to tell me my art is worth it, i wanna feel its special in a way, even tho i know its not

But also why do i need recognition? Why do i need praise? Cant i just do it cause i want to? Cant i just indulge myself? Why is it so bad to want to do stuff just for myself and why do i get so sad about it not getting recognition?

What is wrong with me?

Why does everything i make have to make others happy?, why cant i just be satisfied with stuff existing because i made it?

I feel something is breaking inside of me, i cant even work in commissions cause i start feeling frustrated cause im working on stuff that isnt for me and i find myself unable to motivate myself, that isnt normal.... that is fucking weird as hell

And i tell my therapist and he doesnt really know what to tell me other than "just sit and do it" and im always wondering if i explain wrong, im not looking for excuses to not do it, im looking for advice to help me motivate myself to work harder, cause it sucks not being able to deliver the best work u could do, just sitting myself and forcing me to do it feels unfair cause the final products are usually not as good as i could had done it had i been motivated

I know im capable of doing fantastic pieces once inspiration kicks in, but i find it more and more hard to even get inspire nowadays

I dont know.... something is not right with me, but im afraid to go to a psychiatrist and have all my issues trivialized, and im afraid of turning into a zombie again, being able to do what everyone expects of me but unable to do what i feel joy with my characters

I think i can only work with extreme emotions now, everything mild, everything that feels "normal" freaks me out and i trigger myself or find ways to get into a fight or to get yelled at

And i know it sounds edgy and stupid "i dont do normal" like if i was a emo riverdale character or some shit, but i really cant work with mild emotions, i cant work with happy feelings or with mild contempt moments, i need to feel so extreme that the emotions overpower me and force me to draw or die

And its not healthy, i have so many white hairs in my head now its unreal, i cant sleep and my pancreas is so done with my levels of stress that it started failing and gave me diabetes

I am so scared of the future, i am so depressed in the present and i feel so nostalgic for the past, cause at least now with perspective i feel like i had a bit more control and at least i feel that i certainly was valid back then, but nowadays i just feel so confused and done with everything im exhausted

Ugh..... i am really losing my mind... its not even quarentine stuff, i guess the fear of death and the fear of the unknown had just amplified this feelings but i been feeling this wack for years now

I am not sure what im doing or what i feel, and im scared that everyone else was right about me and i am wrong about myself

I dont know man, im tired of emotions and feeling like shit

[this-is-ravens-now]

last night and today have been very difficult. about a month ago one of our best friends basically told us he didn't believe us abt being plural. which. wow, really hurt. it just came out of left field, so to speak. like they're one of our best friends for good reason, we trusted them for a good reason, so this was so unexpected.

well. we already wrote a post abt our best friend/ soul sister being above and beyond supportive and affirming to us... she told us she would love to try and get to know both of us as individuals🥺 >.< which is a dream come true... each and every person we are friends with is friends with both of us, even tho they may not realize it. and rae and i ofc feel differently abt different things toward or about our friends, but we both still love them. of that makes sense. tbh even though it would be interesting if for example i uad a friend who was only friends with me and then and rae just weren't friends, well, tbh idk if that could rly work or is even possible. like. it would be interesting but it's not something i think either of us are looking for. okay tangent over. so. anyway.

last night and earlier today . . . two more of our closest friends said some rly messed up stuff to us. along with the first friend we mentioned from a month ago. so hecking sad. thank the stars we have our best friend... and others too, ofc. she isn't the only one who is more than supportive. but like. okay. with my other friends who aren't being supportive. i'm trying. we're trying. to be patient and understanding of their ignorance. there's so much stigma against plurality/multiplicity, and misinformation thay fuels those stigmas. so like. i get it. but maybe they shouldn't be so quick to just. basically tell me i'm faking it. good gods wtf.

.

.

TW: phobia against plural ppl

.

.

here's some of what they said): "you shouldn't feed your delusions." "aren't you just feeding your disorder?" "idk if i believe you." "you shouldn't demonize your other personality" (i like thinking of myself as a demon. they were talking to me, raven, and i even told them they were talking to me, and they were saying to rae not to "demonize" her "other personality." like excuse me but wtf. i am a person. not just a personality. and yeah just because i am a demon does not automatically make me evil or unhealthy, or mean that rae is scared of me (they aren't, and they love thinking of me as a demon too. it's a good thing...😿) there was so much more that was said too. i just told them they rly needed to check their biases and look up plurality and how to be respectful and avoid taboos. ugh. so frustrating and honestly heartbreaking... ughs. /: but yeah. i'm holding on to what our bff told us and her love for both of us. and our other friends too who have been so wonderful to us as we figure ourselves out.

[fucktard666666]

Stfu once and for all actually. Forgive yourself sis. I can feel it girl, you ain’t forgive yourself that’s why you still resent me. Lol. Stop telling ur self ur a healer and you tried to heal me. Like gross. Like bestie! you were literally suicidal the whole time and we fought a lot about how I can never help you with that. I was so brainwashed into thinking I was the only problem. How are you a healer AND FRICKIN SUICIDAL. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE! LIKE you wanted to take your own life. A gift. You’re a spiritual and being in that state of thinking must’ve really upset your spirit guides. Just seriously please stop with the delusion. You’re fooling yourself. We were both rotten and you were too suicidal to even think you were. You more than me actually. At least I knew I was destructive and I knew who I was. You hid behind this good girl facade. The self righteous ones are always the biggest hypocrites! Falsely accusing me of having feelings for my friend, but the minute we broke up, you went running back to your past hoe... and I spiraled with my FRIEND to celebrate being single. Who helped me at my lowest numerous times in different periods of our lives. That’s a FRIEND. You don’t always have to fuck a gay friend. You can get over someone, laugh about it and maintain an indestructible PLATONIC relationship. Get one. Everybody needs one you fool. Almost a year of being broken up and none of ur prophecies have taken any life or form, while my assumptions of you have left a week-long, maybe more-stain in the upper regions of ur torso in a form of a HICKEY that you sported confidently as i caress u after I NUT. S E R I O U S L Y. I’m sorry, I just had to laugh. Scientifically, you still have 4 more years to be clinically okay to be dumb, but after that maybe a 19 year old will question your SANITY. It will question your fitness as a modern human. “Did my brain stopped developing as well when I stopped growing?” NO. I was just with a KARMIC. See what I did there? <3 (: You should know that you can only extend so much to someone or to others what you have in abundance for yourself. Cmon now, you woke right??? Lmfao. You projecting bro. Projecting. Like you didn’t really like or love me foo lmao I was just stupid to stay with your jobless Ass that time AND you knew damn well you don’t got funds to date someone else cuz u didn’t have a job LMAO so please, spare me the excuses boo. The minute you started earning enough for yourself, you stayed away more. Like seriously, you even have a fucked up circle. At least I was solid with my friends. That says a lot about you and ur peers. Like girl... you’ve met all my friends and both sides of the group and none of us didn’t have drama until you inflicted it upon me. Who gets hit by a freshly turned 20 year old? Lmfao I’m dumb as fuck but I’ve FORGIVEN myself, therefore I have forgiven you. Cool scar too, though. It goes with the buzz 👌🏽You were also physically sick with ur heart murmur or whatever you had so you were certainly not the next supreme lmfao hilarious. You had constant anxiety attack and in return you terrorize me with your frickin insecurities while I slave to make BANK at the time. You hella fucked with my mind and my COINS bro. I’m out ✌🏽 been actually. So happy that’s done and I’m over it haha great head skills tho 👌🏽 top tier. In boyfriend level that is. Hoe level is *chefs kiss*🤌🏽 lol get over yourself. Ran across ur stupid Twitter bashing on me and how I live in my momma house jobless? Okay bestie I see what you felt lmfao <3 but once I got my shit together we were counting hundreds to thousands of dollars together, pay for all our expenses and even got my own place So swiftly. You had no rights to disclose my financial status to ur 4 followers lol. If I remembered correctly, I still paid for most or everything WITHOUT a job. Seriously, forgive yourself. It’s key. Even if it means that you have to forgive yourself for ever letting me in your life. Take care always. Like girl. Seriously. Seek help. You overcompensate for someone who’s supposedly healed.

You’ve criticized my inability to write deeply for you as I had for other’s, correct? Well, here it is. <3 ily bestie. I ain’t even mad though! This feels good for my soul!! Mwuahh &hearts or whatever the fuck MySpace said :*

[harrylovesmitski]

1/2 Hi pls don't ignore this or at least tell me what u think abt my idea coz i think it's high time we do something about it. Today just showed that we REALLY need to STOP interacting with louies n larries in ANY form ESPECIALLY all those stan fights and dragging their faves bc these people ALWAYS use this excuse to justify their behaviour and even tho louis is annoying af i think we really need to stop bringing him up from now on. I always knew this louies vs harries thing was gonna end

2/2up in an ugly way and past couple of days showed how ugly it could possibly have been. defending our fave or a quick laugh at the expense of louis is NOT worth the vitrol we might get n give others so PLEASE lets STOP making unnecessary posts about louos n focus on harry instead?? No more random drags towards louis no matter if he deserves them. If u see any louie being shitty don't engage but block n report them. If u see any harrie dragging louis dont like/rb their post. Enough of this.

——

i just wanna say the tone of this message is extremely insulting and i normally let stuff i get like this sit in my inbox or i delete immediately but i want to defend myself and put this shit to bed. i did not create a single “unnecessary” post about louis today. are you mad i reblogged stuff about unfollowing and blocking larries? they aren’t louis stans – if they were, they wouldn’t believe in the absolute delusions they are so insistent on forcing down everyone’s throats to the point of harassment. if you don’t like that i reblogged that stuff (which, by the way, you can’t tell me how to run my blog or how to act) then please unfollow and block me – i promise you it will take less than the time it did for you to send this message

[awfullyhorriblybadfantrolls]

i know hell

i heard you liked cihuco ;) oh god

(this is super long because i get p i s s e d about a tenth of the way through about the misrepresentation and romanticization of mental illness so it’s under a cut. be wary of the discourse i’ve inevitably started)

-

When she wants she can become 2, both of her personalities taking a body. I realize she looks like a dude…she’s made to look like me…and since I look like a dude…yeah…you sound very uncertain about that The shirt symbols were tribal designs I found forever ago and tweaked slightly…i feel like that might be offensive and here’s what it says behind them.

Potens sidera pateris me Dilamino Mortem et Vulture Duae solae Duae aequalia Eodem sensu Duae corpora Iterum Which translates from Latin into Powerful stars allow me to Split in two Death and Vulture Two separate Two equal Same mind Two bodies Once again

i had my friend who’s learning latin translate this for me and he got

“My strong star father. I split death and the vulture in two [or “i’m split in two. death and the vulture] two alone two of the same a sense of purpose two bodies again”

he also added that it’s very badly translated and has no proper declension or cases and vulture isn’t a word in latin apparently

“they definitely used pateris when they shoulda used poddiderit”

-

you’re welcome hey also? there’s more. 

cihuco: i know i’m weird cihuco: i know my blood makes you sick cihuco: i know i’m not normal also cihuco: can you accept me for me now because i just told you all of my problems

Pesterchum name: bonesbloodSkullprotect excuse me

Typing Issue: uses txt tlk & symbols b/c she tends 2 tlk kinda fast, however if she’s perfectly calm she will spell things out completely unlike Morgan. she only capitalizes names & sometimes I’s…sometimes not. i don’t know why i hate this so much

Font Color: After finding a way to alternate between Fire Red and Water Blue water isn’t blue asshole she keeps it on so 1 sentence will be red, the next blue. However, if she’s really pissed it goes completely red and if somehow she’s completely and utterly calm it will go completely blue. i have more of an idea why i hate this so much but i do

Cimi (Death, Transformer, Worldbridger. 6th Mayan day sign) what

what is this in reference to

Symbol: skulls of any kind, so the design on her shirt changes constantly. usually the skull is White (which is the color of Death in Mayan astrology) and Red (which has come to symbolize Death now not really) Sometimes the skull will have a vulture on/near it. As the Vulture is the foe of Death, this presumably means she is her own greatest enemy. …that’s actually kind of cool

Mythological entity named for that’s a really specific category: Aztec goddess Cihuacoatl (Partly a fire goddess …….cihuacoatl was a motherhood and fertility goddess?)

and was associated with midwives and, uh, sweatbaths

and the Celtic goddess Acionna (Partly a water goddess) are you saying both goddesses are only partially affiliated with fire and water, respectively because cihuacoatl is not at all associated with fire as far as i know and acionna is only associated with water

Blood Color: Metallic Cyan…? Or…possibly between Cyan and Topaz…hard to tell when it turns to crystal not long after being (over) exposed to oxygen or any other chemicals in the air. what the fuck kind of blood Naturally the air born air born. born from the air chemicals effect how big and dark the crystals are. 

God Tier: Witch of Rage

Duel horns match her dueling personalities. duel horns. her horns fucking fight all the time. her personalities also duel. they engage in fisticuffs every other tuesday She’s Bipolar or Schizo…or both…i was gonna draw a reaction image but my tablet stopped working again so i’m just gonna have to settle for a firm “STOP. FUCK YOU”. also, i’m not really sure you understand what bipolar disorder or schizophrenia actually are. also also schizo is considered a slur because of the derogatory nature it’s used in. bye sweaty as such her personality changes instantly and usually without warning. i was right

listen up kids lemme give you a lil fuckin lesson on these two mental illnesses that are portrayed very very badly and overromanticized by this person:

“Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks.” (nimh.nih.gov)

this does not mean someone with bipolar will “change personalities instantly”, it only dictates mood changes, so fuck you on that

symptoms of bipolar include: periods of unusually intense emotion, changes in sleep patterns, activity levels, as well as unusual behavior. these are called “mood episodes” and vary wildly from person to person.(manic episode) being very “jumpy” with increased activity levels, prone to agitation, risky behaviors, talking really fast about a bunch of different things and feeling as though they can do many things at once, (depressive episode) feeling dead inside, as if you’re heavy and have no energy to even move, perhaps at the same time empty and unfulfilled with no desire to do things you usually love, sleeping too much or too little, frequent thoughts about death/suicide and probably making plans about it

to quote myself, “bipolar […] only dictates mood changes, so fuck you on that”

let’s get to probably the most self-dx’ed and romanticized mental illness now

“Schizophrenia is a chronic and severe mental disorder that affects how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. People with schizophrenia may seem like they have lost touch with reality.”

where are you seeing personality change. i’m not seeing personality change. schizophrenia is, very over-simply, an inability to tell what’s real or not anymore.

symptoms of this disorder include: hallucinations, delusions, “flat effect” (reduced expression of emotions through facial expressions or tone of voice), reduced speaking and enjoyment in life, troubles focusing or paying attention or executive functioning (the ability to understand and use information to make decisions) or working memory (the ability to use that information immediately after learning it)

so ? honie ? where. literally where. i am abridging this but i guarantee i’m not purposefully leaving out “personality changes instantly and usually without warning”. you know why? 

because it’s not fucking there

what a surprise someone is romanticizing and at the same time not understanding and yet still undermining the struggles of mental illness

a little personal here but i’m friends with a girl who’s bipolar and buddy it’s not fun for her. her three moods are hypomanic, prepared for death, and panic attack. there is no personality change. only genuine struggle because mental illness isn’t pretty or a decoration for your self insert oc

bye sweaty,,,,,

Generally she can control the voices in her head inaccurate…………………, unless someone pisses her off. When she’s pissed off her eyes change from the normal (for her) golden with red spots to red swirls with icy blue as well. her pupils are actually dark blue. Because of this mutation, she usually wears super sweet red glasses with 3 points on each lens (most likely to represent 6, as in the sixth Day Sign). what does any of this mean in any capacity When she’s alone she argues with herself a lot, rather then keeping the voices bottled up…sometimes they’re her only company, after all… how fucking lonely do you have to be to argue with your voices jesus i almost feel bad now The only good thing about the dueling personalities is it allows her to control both water and fire. dueling personalities……………….

I suppose duel personalities may not be the right word no, it’s not. you mean dual personalities…as she it literally 2 different trolls stuck in one body…both Death and the Vulture live within her, Death being dominate. y tho She has the ability to seperate into both of these trolls for short times. HOW THO When she does Death becomes red, takes on the fire part of her powers, and uses only red psyonics psyonics in addition to taking the top horns and the red stripe in her hair. Vulture becomes blue, takes on the water, bottom horns, blue hair tips, and uses blue psyonics. It’s also worth saying her psyonic abilities are almost completely unusable to her just…in general. They generally show up without her knowing or control. “The only good thing about the dueling personalities is it allows her to control both water and fire.” …..???

She is incredibly good at video games, always coming just short of Sol when they play she gets points for not being BETTER THAN SOL XD SHE’S SOOOOO GOOD AT VIDEO GAMES but five points don’t help your current score of like -928374929871…there is one genera

“there’s one principle taxonomic category that ranks above species and below family, denoted by a capitalized latin name she’s better at though”

she’s better at though. She’s better at Horror games then he is because she is “very attune to death, whether it be real or virtual”. not all horror games have death also what does this even mean. i’m so confused She and Sol do a lot of gaming together and the main problem with her duality is that Vulture likes Eridan and Death like Sollux…however, seeing as Death is the main personality she get’s 1st pick…this has caused Vulture much annoyance and caused her to try taking over more often. uh

-extra info not needed-

Relations:

Aradia: BFFs do NOT bring my spooky wife into this. stay the FUCK away from my ghost girlfriend

Aaron and Morgan: Auspices between them. She describes them as constantly fighting as a serpent would with an eagle…they have no idea what she’s talking about. they’re dumb af have u ever seen an eagle pick up and consume a snake

Morgan: Good friend, as Death is the friend of the Serpent. i have no idea where you heard this but okay

Aaron: Good friend, as the Vulture is friends with the Eagle which she believes he would have been born under if he was born a troll. …there’s an eagle constellation? also vultures are friends with eagles? oh shit there actually is an eagle constellation it’s called aquila Her being good friends with both is why she’s also a good auspice. auspice would be a verb. the noun is auspistice

Jenny: Moirail

Vriska: probable Kismasis KISMASIS, the only thing they can agree on is they dislike the spider. since when did vriska dislike spiders

Other Humans: Takes to usually helping them randomly and with no warning ……….??????????

Other Trolls: Iffy, as they used to avoid her at all cost because of her mutation. However, because some of the others now are known to have mutations they don’t care as much. dude i’d fuckin care. her metallic blood makes me sick

Jaslusolo: a combination of jaculus (Snake)

and pervolo (to fly).

Her lusus, managed to escape just before the reckoning but couldn’t get to Cihuco in time to bring her as well. cihuco would’ve fuckin died?? if the reckoning wasn’t stopped the session would become null She is a feathered, winged serpent which resembles Cihuacoatl.

…..winged serpent who ?

With her help she is able to actually fly back in time what the fuck and to what she calls her “true home” on earth back with the Mayans. earth doesn’t exist yet bicht She speaks their language fluently as well, 

which one

and she is the one who told them of the end of the world. no, the mayan end of the world was predicted by the mayan calendar and the popol vuh, a compilation of the accounts of creation of the k’iche’ maya. the popul vuh states that the gods first created and failed at creating three worlds, then placed humanity in the first successful word. in the maya long count, the previous world had ended after 13 b’ak’tuns (around 5,125 years) and december 21st, 2012, was when the mayan date struck 13.0.0.0.0 which they believed to bring about the destruction of this world and the formation of a new one, this starting the cycle again. try again hunty 

Jansin Aciona: Dancestor, can’t stand her. yeah i can’t stand you either she’s named after Jowangsin, the Korean goddess of fire.

who

oh sorry do you mean jowangsHin, goddess of the kitchen?

She was relatively good friennds with Nivnaj…not as good as you’d expect though. She was Cronus’ matesprite. ok bye

The Poet: that is definitely not eight letters Ancestor, most likely deceased. Was matesprits with The Wisest. still not eight letters Aporev: Close friends

Strife Portfolio: X2Whipkind, X2Bladekind sure whatever

Fetch Modus Setting: Pictionary Advanced -The advanced just means she can draw what happens with what’s on the card and it happens. ughhhhhhhhhhhhh like if she wants it to shoot out and hit someone- then what. please do tell. the suspense is killing me

Age: 7.4 Alternian Solar Sweeps (16 earth years)

Planet: Land of Pulse and Haze (Original planet destroyed. Presumably she started in The Land of Tents and Mirth, which is associated with the Rage part, but liked LOPAH better so claims it as “Home”) THAT AIN’T YOURS BITCH PUT IT BACK

Name Breakdown (Troll) : “Acionna was a Gallo-Roman water goddess, attested in the Orléanais region.” -Wiki. which one Not much is known about the goddess other then she was most likely representative of water. This is where her last name came from. “In Aztec mythology, Cihuacoatl was one of a number of motherhood and fertility goddesses.” -Wiki …..if you knew this then…….y tho

Name Breakdown (Pesterchum) : Acionna was thought to be protection, Cihuacoatl supposedly helped make the current race from ancient bones and blood of Quetzalcoatl (Who mainly gets the credit). Skull is the symbol for death. The other reason the trolls avoided her was because she showed literally as [BS] which is what they thought she was full of are you saying she’s not? until Sollux started saying the same thing a long time after. Perhaps because the goddess she was named after, Cihuacoatl, she was not named for any goddess her name was incoherently gurgled out of her winged snake goddess-that’s-she’s-supposedly-named-after of a lusus supposedly created the current race…she had a stronger connection psychically to happenings…the problem is sorting what’s true and what’s not from the voices in her head.

Info on her Mutation: This is what happens when a troll falls in love with a local. love is love but this thing is disgusting don’t do it again It is unknown who exactly they were, as the blood is to diluted to guess who they could have possibly been. ????????? look i’m no med student but i’m at least 98% sure that’s not how blood works  This…sorda leads to say that it was mostly the local’s (whatever or whoever it was) blood taking over. wait i thought it was too diluted by……other blood, i guess?? what the fuck even is this It is probable, it seems, that one of them was able to wield fire and the other water, thus resulting in the duel personalities. why do i hate this sentence so much

Personality(s?) Qualities: Issues with anyone who tries to tell her what to do, she tends to sometimes contradict herself and speaks in riddles which are always hard to figure out except when they’re not and they’re easy. wow thanks had no idea She hosts qualities from both Death and Vulture, and they are as follows. Death is “open to ideas and willing to make sacrifices for the greater good…sensitive to endings of any kind, and it can be hard for (her) to accept losses. Practical, Oversensitive, Fragile.” While the Vulture is “very self-aware and concerned about (her) status in the world. (She) places a high value on life experiences, wanting to learn as much as possible from the triumphs and challenges they offer. (She) can appear a bit jaded and ruthless to others, but that is because (she) sees things as they are and thus tend to be cynical. (She) dislikes being judged, and if (she) feels under scrutiny (her) self-esteem takes a blow. Knowledgeable, Wise, Challenging, Jaded, Cynical.” -Horoscope.com oh my god

Rules Broken: all of them. all of them? every single one. not the naming rule though. but only for the troll herself. everyone else can go suck a dick

Fantroll Rating: look i started working on this blazing heap of trash at around 1915 now it’s 2058. what the fuck man

[aetherschreiber]

Fic: Hedge Knight (notes)

So there you are! Thanks for reading! I'm under no delusions that this is going to get a lot of attention, being as the fandom is tiny at this point. So please be aware that any feedback you can give is precious as gold and will be greatly treasured.

This was the result of a very old plot bunny of about twenty years of age. So, older than most acutal bunnies. Back in the day, it was not very clearly worked out, which is probably why it didn't get written until now. This actually bears very little resemblance to the original plot bunny, since 20 years ago I was a silly fifteen-year-old girl without a clue. My historical nerding and ability to do research is what finally really brought this thing to light. It just didn't have a chance, back in the day.

And, while working on this, it bred some other plot bunnies that I might try to nuture in the future. Not sure, yet. We'll see if they come together.

Now, excuse me while I nerd this out...

Because I'm a huge nerd, I went digging around in Irish mythology for some stuff. I've made a few assumptions on stuff that was never clearly established in the show itself, so I thought I would make a few notes here.

Regarding Emain Macha...

The show never gave a name for the village that was in the shadow of Kells Castle. I wanted to have one and the Ulster Cycle calls the town that Conchobar mac Nessa rules from Emain Macha. Plus, I liked the story of the way the town got its name. So I stole it and ran like Macha in the horse race. Nothing too ground-breaking here.

I went and got down and nerdy with the characters's names and some side-stories, too. It's always kind of bothered me that none of them had full, period style names (because, like I said, I'm a nerd). Deirdre and Conchobar would certainly have had something more than just a given name, as would Ivar. Rohan and Angus are somewhat more open to interpretation, so I put my own spin on it. Plus, I'm in the SCA, so I just couldn't help myself while digging through medieval Irish names.

Regarding the name Rohan Draganta Ban Ui Meith Macha...

The conceit of Rohan's clan name is that he is descended from the war goddess Macha. This distinction would have come from his father's side of the family, ostensibly a Kellsman. Draganta I threw in there as a sort of "middle name" because it would have been in there somewhere, but I'm just not sure how it would have been lenited, since as far as I can tell it's not actually an Irish name.

When you get right down to it, Rohan is basically CuChullain, who was not born with that name and only was called that after defeating a giant hound (see Tash Hound of Temra, and may other references throughout the show). As a young boy, since no one in the village knew anything about his epic destiny, he was called by the villagers of Emain Macha "Rohan Ban" meaning "Rohan the fair" because of his hair. The moniker stuck, even after he finds out his identity as the Warrior Draganta.

Regarding the name Deirdre inghean Conchobair Ui Rudhraighe...

There isn't a whole lot here that needs to be explained. This is a straight up lineage type of a name. It basically says that she's Conchobar's daughter, who is in turn a male descendant of a man named Rudraige. This clan name is derived from a high-king of Ireland, Rudraige, whose son was a king of Ulster (or in this context, Kells). I never actually got around to actually using the name in the fic, but it's here in the notes for completeness' sake.

In my head, Deirdre's mother was named Eithne. She was killed by Maeve when Deirdre was a little girl. Don't know why that's relevant. But there you are.

The show pretty much tossed out the actual Irish mythology of Deirdre and Conchobar. Trust me, this is a good thing. The Conchobar of myth was a real creeper and what he did to the Deirdre of myth was unsettling and I'm pretty sure illegal in modern life (and no, I don't just mean killing her husband; that's DEFINITELY illegal). So I pretty much tossed out anything of the names of the characters from myth and more or less treated them as new characters with their own backstories.

Regarding the name Angus Dubh o Cumhaill...

Angus effectively equates to Conall Cernach, the best friend of CuChullain.

In my fic, he is a descendant of Cailte mac Ronain, nephew of the last king of the Fianna, through his son Oisin. In actual Irsh myth, Conall and Cailte were not related (in fact, one is from the Ulster Cycle and the other from the Fenian Cycle and here I've even reversed their time periods), but a relating of the two characters is used for story purposes, because what the hell? The show didn't care about that stuff, either.

All of this was on his mother's side of the family. His mother's brother, Cet mac Magach, was told by a druid that the baby would one day kill his uncle. Cet was afraid of this and tried to kill Angus shortly after he was born. This is based on the story of Conall and Cet from Irish myth, but around there is where the similarities end and artistic licence takes over. When Cet did not succeed, he fled to Temra. Angus' mother and father then left him with an old lady named Brighde in Emain Macha to hide him from any further attempts on his life by Cet. This is why he was basically brought up as a street urchin along side Rohan.

The old lady gave him the moniker Dubh because of his dark hair. But Angus never really liked it, so he didn't perpetuate it after Brighde died. The fact that Cet refers to him as such is the result of a very old rumor finally making its way to Cet after many years.

The story Angus tells of besting the soldier Anluan is based on the Tale of Mac Da Tho's Pig. In that, Conall wins the debate by casually tossing Anluan's freshly-severed head to Cet. I uh... toned it down, just a smidge.

Conall kind of has a history of severing heads. I pretty much left that out. It didn't exactly say "Angus" to me...

Regarding the name Ivar ibn Idris Adar as-Salar...

No, you didn't miss this name, either. Again, never got around to using it in the fic. But it was a fun excersise.

The idea for Ivar is that he is a prince in pre-Muslim Syria. He is the son of Idris, a prince, of the clan Salar. In that culture, the title of Prince has a different connotation. Ivar's father is not necessarily a king and Ivar will not necessarily succeed him. In fact, given that it was his task to guard the silver chalice, and that he was sent to retrieve it, and that he was free to pledge help to Rohan and Kells, it seems likely that he is a younger son of a local prince, under a sultan, and not likely to inherit.

Random note, Ivar is NOT a Syrian name and is most likely a derivation of the Scandanavian name Ivor. Why the show didn't go ahead and find an actual name of the type of heritage that Ivar was clearly supposed to have, I really don't know and I was rather disappointed to learn. But Ivar isn't terribly glaring in its ethic displacement, so I ran with it and chose a name sort of like it for his father in order to help it fit in.

Finally, in reference to the title of the fic...

Yes, I am aware that the term "hedge knight" first showed up in the Song of Ice and Fire series. However, that wasn't what inspired the title of this fic. Rather it was a fantastic song I heard around a campfire in the SCA. I know the bard in question as Lady Cobflaith (she's a really awesome person with a lot of talent!). The song itself has very little to do with the plot of the fic at all, but it did introduce me to the idea of a penniless knight and the idea that someone who might not seem to others to be worthy can do great things, even if only in the eyes of the few or the one.

Oh, and one more note. Mace fighting is weird and hard to write. A sword girl like me, who depends on keeping covered and breaking tempos, can't wrap her head around a weapon that works with a rhythm and leaves parts of the wielder open to thrust attacks at regular intervals. So, those bits probably kind of sucked and I'm sorry.

Sláinte!