#I have had wolf phantom shifts but then every single time I find myself questioning 'is this really me or is it Blind Seer?'

[rowanwolf]

Well, it's been a day. Worked today and we had a massive storm. We kept losing power. (Unfortunately all the shouts of "If the power goes out we get to go home!" every time the building went dark and everybody's computer died were false. This is a hospital, we don't close for shit. Think the storm's gonna get us out of work? Nah. Did you forget about the backup generator?) Anyway, massive storm. There was a good solid 30 minutes where it was raining so hard we couldn't see the building that's like 50 yards away. Storms like that always make me feel shifty. And I've been missing my phantom limbs horribly. The rain started and I felt gryphon-shaped again and oh my god was that a relief.

And then I got home and opened my closet and the ceiling had fallen in and I could see daylight and I now have to wash practically every article of clothing I own, but you know. This is fine. Everything's fine. My wings are back, I'm gonna just focus on that and not the fact that I cannot sleep in my bedroom tonight because mildew and wet leaf smell. (For some reason there were a shitton of leaves up there. I don't even know.) I'm about ready to cry over all the laundry - of course I've been crying at the drop of a hat all week, so take that with a grain of salt - but my wings and my tail are back and I missed them so fucking much.

I just want to be me. I want to have my own phantom limbs. I want to be correctly the wrong shape. XD I am coming to appreciate my headmates more with each shitty thing that goes on (I know I posted about my cousin on my system blog, but Idk if I put that here) but I miss being me sometimes. Just me. I miss my wings and all the ridiculous things I do to accommodate the size of them, I miss the urge to roll around the yard every time I go outside, I miss the wanting to just curl up in the full bathtub and sleep there. It's the stupid, inconvenient things that I miss and I think that says a lot.

[cristinalooksatthings]

The cosmic orphan by Loren Eiseley

When I was a young lad of that indefinite but important age when one begins to ask, Who am I? Why am I here? What is the nature of my kind? What is growing up? What is the world? How long shall I live in it? Where shall I go? I found myself walking with a small companion over a high railroad trestle that spanned a stream, a country bridge, and a road. One could look fearfully down, between the ties, at the shallows and ripples in the shining water some 50 feet below. One was also doing a forbidden thing, against which our parents constantly warned. One must not be caught on the black bridge by a train. Something terrible might happen, a thing called death.

From the abutment of the bridge we gazed down upon the water and saw among the pebbles the shape of an animal we knew only from picture books— a turtle, a very large, dark mahogany-colored turtle. We scrambled down the embankment to observe him more closely. From the little bridge a few feet above the stream, I saw that the turtle, whose beautiful markings shone in the afternoon sun, was not alive and that his flippers waved aimlessly in the rushing water. The reason for his death was plain. Not too long before we had come upon the trestle, someone engaged in idle practice with a repeating rifle had stitched a row of bullet holes across the turtle’s carapace and sauntered on.

My father had once explained to me that it took a long time to make a big turtle, years really, in the sunlight and the water and the mud. I turned the ancient creature over and fingered the etched shell with its forlorn flippers flopping grotesquely. The question rose up unbidden. Why did the man have to kill something living that could never be replaced? I laid the turtle down in the water and gave it a little shove. It entered the current and began to drift away. “Let’s go home,” I said to my companion. From that moment I think I began to grow up.

“Papa,” I said in the evening by the oil lamp in our kitchen. “Tell me how men got here.” Papa paused. Like many fathers of that time, he was worn from long hours, he was not highly educated, but he had a beautiful resonant voice and had been born on a frontier homestead. He knew the ritual way the Plains Indians opened a story.

“Son,” he said, taking the pattern of another people for our own, “once there was a poor orphan.” He said in such a way that I sat down at his feet. Once there was a poor orphan with no one to teach him either his way, or his manners. Sometimes animals helped him, sometimes supernatural beings. But above all, one thing was evident. Unlike other occupants of Earth, he had to be helped. He did not know his place, he had to find it. Sometimes he did not understand his Mother Earth and suffered for it. The old ones who starved and sought visions on hilltops had known these things. They were all gone now and the magic had departed with them. The orphan was alone; he had to learn by himself; it was a hard school.

My father tousled my head; he gently touched my heart. “You will learn in time, there is much pain here,” he said. “Men will give it to you, time will give it to you, and you must learn to bear it all, not bear it alone, but be better for the wisdom that may come to you if you watch and listen and learn. Do not forget the turtle, nor the ways of men. They are all orphans and they go astray; they do wrong things. Try to see better.”

“Yes, papa,” I said, and that was how I believe I came to study men, not the men of written history, but the ancestors beyond, beyond all writing, beyond time as we know it, beyond human form as it is known today. Papa was right when he told me all men were orphans, eternal seekers. They had little in the way of instinct to instruct them, they had come a strange far road in the universe, passed more than one black, threatening bridge. There were even more to pass and each one became more dangerous as our knowledge grew. Because man was truly an orphan and confined to no single way of life, he was, in essence, a prison breaker. But in ignorance his very knowledge sometimes led from one terrible prison to another. Was the final problem then, to escape himself, or if not that, to reconcile his devastating intellect with his heart? All of the knowledge set down in great books directly or indirectly affects this problem. It is the problem of every man, for even the indifferent man is making, unknown to himself, his own callous judgement.

Long ago, however, in one of the Dead Sea Scrolls hidden in the Judaean Desert, an unknown scribe had written: “None there be, can rehearse the whole tale.” That phrase, too, contains the warning that man is an orphan of uncertain beginnings and indefinite endings. All that the archaeological and anthropological sciences can do is to place a somewhat flawed crystal before man and say: This is the way you came, these are your present dangers; somewhere, seen dimly beyond, lies your destiny. God help you, you are a cosmic orphan, a symbol-shifting magician, mostly immature and inattentive to your own dangers. Read, think, study, but do not expect this to save you without humility of heart. This the old ones knew long ago in the great deserts under the stars. This they sought to learn and pass on. It is the only hope of men.

What have we observed that might be buried as the Dead Sea Scrolls were buried for 2,000 years and be broken out of a jar for human benefit, brief words that might be encompassed on a copper scroll or a ragged sheet of vellum? Only these thoughts, I think, we might reasonably set down as true, now, and hereafter. For a long time, for many, many centuries, Western man believed in what we might call the existent world of nature; form as form was seen as constant in both animal and human guise. He believed in the instantaneous creation of his world by the Deity; he believed in his duration to be very short, a stage upon which the short drama of a human fall from divine estate and a redemption was in process.

Worldly time was a small parenthesis in eternity. Man lived with that belief, his cosmos small and man-centred. Then, beginning about 350 years ago, thoughts unventured upon since the time of the Greek philosophers began to enter the human consciousness. They may be summed up in Francis Bacon’s dictum: “This is the foundation of all. We are not to imagine or suppose, but to discover, what nature does or may be made to do”

When in following years scientific experiment and observation became current, a vast change began to pass over Western thought. Man’s conception of himself and his world began to alter beyond recall. “Tis all in pieces, all coherence gone,” exclaimed the poet John Donne, Bacon’s contemporary. The existing world was crumbling at the edges. It was cracking apart like an ill-nailed raft in a torrent— a torrent of incredible time. It was, in effect, a new nature comprising a past embedded in the present and a future yet to be.

First, Bacon discerned a mounds alter, another separate world that could be drawn out of nature by human intervention— the world that surrounds and troubles us today. Then, by degrees, time depths of tremendous magnitude began, in the late 18th century, to replace the Christian calendar. Space, from a surrounding candelabrum of stars, began to widen to infinity. The Earth was recognized as a mere speck drifting in the wake of a minor star, itself rotating around an immense galaxy composed of innumerable suns. Beyond and beyond, into billions of light years, other galaxies glowed through clouds of wandering gas and interstellar dust. Finally, and perhaps the most shocking blow of all, the natural world of the moment proved to be an illusion, a phantom of man’s short lifetime. Organic novelty lay revealed in the strata of the Earth. Man had not always been here. He had been preceded, in the 4,000,000,000 years of the planet’s history, by floating mollusks, strange fern forests, huge dinosaurs, flying lizards, giant mammals whose bones lay under the dropped boulders of vanished continental ice sheets.

The Orphan cried out in protest, as the cold of naked space entered his bones, “Who am I?” And once more science answered. “You are a changeling.” “You are linked by a genetic chain to all vertebrates. The thing that is you bears the still aching wounds of evolution in body and in brain. Your hands are made-over fins, your lungs come from a creature gasping in a swamp, your femur has been twisted upright. Your foot is a reworked climbing pad. You are a rag doll resin from the skins of extinct animals. Long ago, 2,000,000 years perhaps, you were smaller, your brain was not so large. We are not confident that you could speak. Seventy million years before that you were an even smaller climbing creature known as a tupaiid. You were the size of a rat. You ate insects. Now you fly to the Moon.”

“This is a fairy tale,” said the scientists, “but so is the world and so is life. That is what makes it true. Life is indefinite departure. That is why we are all orphans. That is why you must find your own way. Life is not stable. Everything alive is slipping through cracks and crevices in time, changing as it goes. Other creatures, however, have instincts that provide for them, holes in which to hide. They cannot ask questions. A fox is a fox, a wolf is a wolf, even if this, too, is illusion. You have learned to ask questions. That is why you are an orphan. You are the only creature in the universe who knows what it has been. Now you must go on asking questions while all the time you are changing. You will ask what you are to become. The world will no longer satisfy you. You must find your way, your own true self.”

“But how can I?” Wept the Orphan, hiding his head. “This is magic. I do not know what I am. I have been too many things.”

“You have indeed,” said all the scientists together. “Your body and your nerves have been dragged about and twisted in the long effort of your ancestors to stay alive, but now, small orphan that you are, you must know a secret, a secret magic that nature has given to you. No other creature on the planet possesses it. You use language. You are a symbol-shifter. All this is hidden in your brain and transmitted from one generation to another. You are a time-binder, in your head the symbols that mean things in the world outside can fly about untrammeled. You can combine them differently into a new world of thought or you can also hold them tenaciously throughout a lifetime and pass them on to others.”

Thus out of words, a puff of air, really, is made all that is uniquely human, all that is new from one human generation to another. But remember what was said of the wounds of evolution. The brain, parts of it at least, is very old, the parts laid down in sequence like geological strata. Buried deep beneath the brain with which we reason are ancient defense centers quick to anger, quick to aggression, quick to violence, over which the neocortex, the new brain, strives to exert control. Thus there are times when the Orphan is a divided being striving against himself. Evil men know this. Sometimes they can play upon it for their own political advantage. Men crowded together, subjected to the same stimuli, are quick to respond to emotion that in the quiet of their own homes, they might analyze more cautiously.

Scientists have found that the very symbols which crowd our brains may possess their own dangers. It is convenient for the thinker to classify an idea with a word. This can sometimes lead to a process called hypostatization or reification. Take the word “Man” for example. There are times when it is useful to categorize the creature briefly, his history, his embracing characteristics. From this, if we are not careful of our meanings, it becomes easy to speak of all men as though they were one person. In reality men have been seeking this unreal man for thousands of years. They have found him bathed in blood, they have found him in the hermit’s cell, he has been glimpsed among innumerable messiahs, or in meditation under the sacred bô tree; he has been found in the physician’s study or lit by the satanic fires of the first atomic explosion.

In reality he has never been found at all. The reason is very simple: men have been seeking Man capitalized, an imaginary creature constructed out of disparate parts in the laboratory of the human imagination. Some men may thus perceive him and see him as either totally beneficent or wholly evil. They would be wrong. They are wrong so long as they have vitalized this creation and call it Man. There is no Man; there are only men: good, evil, inconceivable mixtures marred by their genetic makeup, scarred, or improved by their societal surroundings. So long as they live they are men, multitudinous and unspent potential for action. Men are great objects of study, but the moment we say “Man” we are in danger of wandering into a swamp of abstraction.

Surveying our fossil history perhaps we are not even justified as yet in calling ourselves true men. The word carries subtle implications that extend beyond us into the time stream. If a remote half-human ancestor, barely able to speak, had had a word for his kind, as very likely he did, and just supposing it had been “man,” would he approve the usage, the shape-freezing quality of it, now? I think not. Perhaps no true orphan would wish to call himself anything but a traveller. Man in a cosmic timeless sense may not be here.

The point is particularly apparent in the light of a recent and portentous discovery. In 1953 James D. Watson and Francis H. C. Crick discovered the structure of the chemical alphabet out of which all that lives is constituted. It was a strange spiral ladder within the cell, far more organized and complicated than 19th-century biologists had imagined; the tiny building blocks constantly reshuffled in every mating had both an amazing stability and paradoxically, over long time periods, a power to alter the living structure of a species beyond recall. The thing called man had once been a tree shrew on a forest branch; now it manipulates abstract symbols in its brain from which skyscrapers rise, bridges span the horizon, disease is conquered, the Moon is visited.

Molecular biologists have begun to consider whether the marvelous living alphabet which lies at the root of evolution can be manipulated for human benefit. Varieties of domesticated plants and animals have been improved. Now at last man has begun to eye his own possible road into the future. By delicate excisions and intrusions could the mysterious alphabet we carry in our bodies be made to hasten our advancement into the future? Already our urban concentrations, with all their aberrations and faults, are future-oriented. Why not ourselves? Is it in our power to perpetuate great minds ad infinitum? But who is to judge? Who is to select this future man? There is the problem. Which of us poor orphans by the roadside, even those peering learnedly through the electron microscope, can be confident of the way into the future? Could the fish unaided by nature have found the road to the reptile, the reptile to the mammal, the mammal to the man? And how was man endowed with speech? Could men choose their way? Suddenly, before us towers the blackest, most formidable bridge of our experience. Across what chasm does it run?

Biologists tell us that in the fullness of time over ninety percent of the world’s past species have perished. The mammalian ones in particular are not noted for longevity. If the scalpel, the excising laser ray int he laboratory, were placed in the hands of some one man, some one poor orphan, what would he do? If assured, would he reproduce himself alone? If cruel, would he by indirection succeed in abolishing the living world? If doubtful of the road, would he reproduce the doubt? “Nothing is more shameful than assertion without knowledge,” a great Roman, Cicero, once pronounced as though he had foreseen this final bridge of human pride— the pride of a god without foresight.

After the disasters of the second World War when the dream of perpetual progress died from men’s minds, an orphan of this violent century wrote a poem about the great extinctions revealed in the rocks of the planet. It concludes as follows:

I am not sure I love

The cruelties found in our blood

From some lost evil tree in our beginnings.

May the powers forgive and seal us deep

When we lie down,

May harmless dormice creep and red leaves fall

Over the prisons where we wreaked our will.

Dachau, Auschwitz, those places everywhere.

If I could pray, I would pray long for this.

One may conclude that the poet was a man of doubt. He did not regret man; he was confident that leaves, rabbits, and songbirds would continue life, as, long ago, a tree shrew had happily forgotten the ruling reptiles. The poet was an orphan in shabby circumstances pausing by the roadside to pray, for he did pray despite his denial; God forgive us all. He was a man in doubt upon the way. He was the eternal orphan of my father’s story. Let us then, as similar orphans who have come this long way through time, be willing to assume the risks of the uncompleted journey. We must know, as that forlorn band of men in Judaea knew when they buried the jar, that man’s road is to be sought beyond himself. No man there is who can tell the whole tale. After the small passage of 2,000 years who would deny this truth? 

[artificial-aesir]

otherkin challenge

this is supposed to be a 30 day thing but i’m bored so!!

1. What name do you go by? What is the significance of it to you? I prefer not to be locked down by a single name. I go by a name i’d rather not share on this account mostly in real life, interchangeably with Jude and Akira among friends. I’m not opposed to being referred to as any of my primary or secondary kintypes, though!

2. How old are you? (If you don’t mind sharing.) What is the gender you identify as? I’m almost 20, and I identify as masculine nonbinary. 

3. What is your Otherkin/Therian species? Most of my kintypes are fictionkin, but otherwise--lion, demon, wolf, and cat.

4. How long have you known you were Otherkin? How old were you when you Awakened? Gosh... I guess I always felt a very loose sense of “self” so you could argue I’ve always had a sense of it. I was 16 when I started thinking I may be otherkin, and I was 18 when I finally embraced it. It’s helped a lot as a way of categorizing otherwise dangerous headspaces. 

5. How did you find the Otherkin community? I’m a furry, so I found it through that initially. Quite a few friends I met through a fandom RP community on tumblr also were kin so that helped.

6. How does being Otherkin affect your life? It’s really had a positive impact on how I cope with my mental illness. Aside from some weird moods coming about with relation to fronting kintypes on occasion and certain media affecting me deeply, it’s really not something I’d say is visible for anyone else in my life. Mostly it helps because I can break down elements of myself into more easily definable faces.

7. Are you “out of the metaphysical closet?” If so, to whom? Pretty much anyone who knows me well enough to associate online knows I’m otherkin.

8. How did/would your family react to you being Otherkin? My family would probably just think it’s some furry thing and not really care. My sister is very understanding and tolerates my ramblings, though. 

9. What does being Otherkin mean to you? I guess mostly it means I get to/have experienced lives beyond my own. It drives my wanderlust. It inspires me to create. It’s a means of viewing the world through many lenses. 

10. How do you believe you came to be Otherkin? Is it a physiological connection? Were you reincarnated? Explain. I think this sort of almost spiritual connection to certain personalities and beings came about for me as a means of coping. For most of my life I have been suicidal and dissociative; having no sense of self, I think it crept in place of my perceived lack of humanity. 

11. What do you hope the Otherkin community will be like in ten years? Are you for public awareness or against it? Why or why not? I don’t think I’ve been a part of the community long enough to really speak on this. uwu

12. Do you have phantom/astral limbs? What are they and how often do you feel them? Very, VERY rarely I get sensations on my shoulder blades like there is possibly a wing there, alternatively a tail. Really most of my experiences with kinstuff occur in the absence of other feelings (which, with manic depression and PTSD are relatively regular sometimes).

13. Do you mental-shift? Have you ever harmed yourself or someone else during one? I suppose I do! I have definitely harmed myself with certain kintypes fronting, although less so because of their influence and more so because of their lack of intervention (if that makes sense). With some fronts more positive or optimistic attitudes push through more easily. 

14. Have you ever mental-shifted at a time when it could be considered inappropriate? Not that I can think of.

15. Do you Astral Project or practice aby occult crafts? I do not. 

16. Do you feel you are any sort of danger to society? Nah. I’m just a Sad Person doing my best to get by. 

17. Does your nonhuman identity complicate every day life for you? If so, how? On occasion kintypes add confusing feelings or impulses to my day which can be frustrating I suppose! Things like “I really want to bite that object” or “I am dying for a piece of meat Immediately”. 

18. Why do you believe you are here as a human? Heck if I know, honestly. Being not really spiritual, I guess it’s hard to say there’s a reason at all I’m here. My personal goal is to help others, though.

19. Are you active among the Otherkin community? Sort of? I have a lot of kin friends but this is my first real specifically kinspace besides my twitter of the same name.

20. Are you religious? What faith do you follow? Does it contradict with your Otherkin or do you feel that the two are synonymous somehow? I think the closest I have to any sort of spirituality is my otherkin-ness. I’ve never been religious.

21. Have you ever been emotionally, verbally, or physically harassed simply for being Otherkin? No, fortunately. 

22. Do you feel you are oppressed because you are Otherkin? Not really. Anti-kin stuff is mostly just a nuisance, like any other community that laughs at “cringe” stuff imo.

23. What is your take on fictionkin/mediakin? What about machinekin and appliancekin? I’m very much fictionkin so I see it as totally valid. I think it’s easy for some people to kind of “make up” kintypes but also, it’s harmless and I think as long as it stays that way it doesn’t matter HOW they experience kin-ness; another person’s experience should not cheapen our own I guess. I kind of relate to machinekin because of a deep draw to glitches/viruses, also? I know someone who is jam kin though so like. Whatever you are, whoever you are, if you’re a decent human being you’re pretty good in my book. <3

24. Did the awakening process seem relatively easy, or difficult to you? Why? I think embracing my kintypes in a way was embracing a huge part of myself I often tried to ignore. With my kintypes came a flood of experience and emotion tied deeply to trauma I’ve experienced and my mental illness, so it was kind of difficult to really accept it for a while. 

25. What do you think of the information provided online about Otherkin, is it relevant or not? Like anything, some is good and some is bad. Otherkin is something experienced differently by everyone since it’s so personal in nature, so I think only so much can really be conveyed online. 

26. How has your Otherkinity/Therianthropy defined you as a person? Do you think it has given you morals that you didn’t have before? It hasn’t defined me as a person really. Rather, it gives me a way of easily showing others who I am! I’ve picked up some hobbies and interests because of my kintypes, though haha. It definitely deepened my belief that people should be judged on their actions, not appearances and experiences, as well. 

27. Have you learned any life-long lessons due to your Otherkinity? Something important that embracing my otherkinness has helped me realize is that it’s okay to be yourself, even if other people think it’s “weird”. There are people out there who will accept it, hear you out, and maybe even have shared similar experiences. Me being kin and embracing it hurts no one and helps me deeply in expressing otherwise abstract or suppressed emotions; if people dislike that, they aren’t the kind of person I want to associate with. 

28. What do you want to do with your life? I want to open a cafe where people can relax and not have to worry about appearances for a while. <3

29. Do you have any tips for young and newly-Awakened Otherkin? Don’t be bothered by anti kin stuff! Just block them and be yourself. Otherkin, otherkin-questioning, whatever, you do you.

30. Anything else you’d like to share with us? If you have a kin twitter, you can follow mine here! It’s very much just for musing and aesthetic stuff haha.