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lonelyreputation · 4 years

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C’est Toi (coffee shop au) • CHAPTER ELEVEN, wc: 7.6k

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Monday - February 11, 2019 - 18:36

Holding hands is nice…Really nice. But nothing will ever compare how nice a first kiss feels.

While the sun was hidden behind an array of gray clouds, and the wind was a bit more breezy than usual, I still found some sense of peace sitting out in the courtyard of Somerset. Students milled about with coffees in their hands either rushing to their next lecture or chatting with friends.

I sat on one of the benches with my journal, appreciating the day, when I heard a familiar––usually friendly––voice cut harshly through the whistling wind.

“You still haven’t told me.”

I closed my journal and looked up at her with a smile, “Afternoon, Ella.”

She rolled her eyes, shoved my legs off the bench, so that I was now sitting normally instead of lounging, as she took the spot next to me and glared, “You got back at ten on Saturday and have yet to tell me about your date.”

Slipping my journal into my bag, I couldn’t hide the smile that slowly made its way onto my face as I replayed everything that happened on Saturday, “It was nice.”

She elbowed by side, “I think I have a right to know everything that happened.”

I let out a laugh, “You have a right?”

Ella nodded her head as if it was obvious, and I only raised my eyebrows, waiting for her explanation, “If it wasn’t for me dragging you into Brightside the first day, you never would’ve stumbled upon it. And if it wasn’t for me coming up with Operation Sketchbook, you wouldn’t have his number. And if you didn’t have his number you wouldn’t have gone out on a date.”

Blankly, I stared at her with my mouth open before I let out a laugh, “You can’t take any credit for the first day we went in. It was raining.”

She rolled her eyes before standing up and looking down at me, “I need to know something! I know you’ve been texting him since your date,” she wiggled her eyebrows, “Did you kiss him?”

Embarrassed with what I knew her reaction would be, I looked down at the pavement. I curled my hands in fists around the ends of my sweatshirt to fight off the cold wind, even though I felt as if I was running a fever with how embarrassed I felt.

“Mick!”

Ignoring her, I stood up and grabbed my bag, turning away from her so as to not feel any more embarrassed. I was a few feet away before I heard her call out my name again, but this time, it was soft and apologetic.

She offered me a small smile and walked towards me, “Where are you going?”

“Off to finish a paper back in my room.”

Ella let out a small laugh, thinking I was joking, but once she saw my serious face, she scrunched her eyebrows together, “Why not Brightside?”

I shrugged, “I just saw Shawn on Saturday. I don’t want to seem annoying––”

“You literally went into Brightside every single day before your date,” Ella smirked, “I’m sure he wants to see you just as much as you want to see him.”

I looked down at my shoes and kicked a small pebble. I had an inkling that he might want to see me, but I was still nervous. Saturday was such a good day and I didn’t know if it was too soon to see him.

Was there a rule having to wait a certain number of days before seeing the person you went out with? Even though we’d been texting since he walked me back to my dorm on Saturday, would it be too desperate to stop in and see him?

With a deep breath, I tried pushing all the nerves I felt in my chest down, and looked up at Ella, “Want to go to Brightside with me?”

Ella vigorously nodded her head with a smile as she took a step forward, looping her arm around mine. She started walking toward the direction of Brightside, “Don’t think I noticed how you still haven’t told me about your date.”

I ducked my head and felt my cheeks heat up as Ella squeezed her hand around my bicep.

I failed miserably at concealing my smile, “He took me to Columbia Road Flower Market.”

Ella’s hand around my bicep fell limp as her eyes widened, “He took you to see flowers?!”

I nodded with a hum, as I made sure she kept her walking pace up, “Then we went to Brick Lane and went to a coffee shop in Shoreditch.”

With a sight and a small squeal, I slightly turned my head to look at Ella, who smiled, “Bit of a busy day in East London,” her smile slowly transformed into a smirk, “But you didn’t come back until ten.”

I hummed in acknowledgement of her observation and just kept walking down the street.

“I’m still waiting,” Ella said in a singsong voice.

Figuring I wouldn’t get away from her pestering, I answered her before she badgered me with questions while we were in front of Shawn, “His friends had a little party so we went there.”

“Meeting the friends already?”

Her voice was smug and I rolled my eyes, “Nothing like that.”

“Okay, but did you kiss?”

I pretended I didn’t hear her question again as a gust of wind blew both of our hair back.

Instead of answering her, I let my mind be consumed with thoughts and memories of how the night went after Shawn sang I Want To Hold Your Hand by the Beatles. There was the obvious applause, people trying to go up and talk to him, but he politely declined their advances, as he weaved his way toward the back wall where Niall and I stood.

Niall shoved Shawn’s shoulder––letting out a low and drawn out smooth––before he left to refill his drink in the kitchen. We stood on the back wall for a little bit longer, talking about nothing in particular, with his arms seemingly glued to his sides and my arms crossed in front of my chest.

It seemed as if he gained the courage out of nowhere, because I was in the middle of saying something when he reached out one of his hands. His movements were fast, but it felt as if I experienced the whole ordeal in slow motion. He reached his hand forward, picked up one of my hands––successfully uncrossing my arms from my chest––and then threaded our fingers together.

I was left a bit stunned, my sentence long forgotten in the back of my head. But it was alright because Shawn picked up the conversation as if nothing had changed.

And for the rest of our time at his friends house he held my hand.

He held my hand as he waved a goodbye to his friends, he held my hand as he walked me to the tube station––and held it even tighter when I tried to pull away when I told him I was fine taking the night tube alone. For the whole tube ride he held my hand, and it was then I was struck with the idea of him maybe wanting to kiss me. My hand wasn’t clammy all night, but the moment we walked out of Waterloo Station, I knew it was beginning to feel warm.

And when we were at the lamp post he was leaning on when I walked out to greet him…It was silent. It was silent and I saw him leaning in.

I wanted to kiss him just as much as he probably felt, but my mind couldn’t ignore the salt and vinegar crisps I had earlier in the night. Sure, he stole some too, but it was the only thing on my mind as I saw him slowly lean in.

And in a moment of panic, my eyes widened and I held my hand up…Offering him a high-five instead.

He stopped, scrunched his eyebrows together as he let out a small laugh that covered up his disappointed sigh.

He high-fived me back.

“We held hands,” I said dreamily, purposefully avoiding her question again.

“Cute,” Ella said with a tight smile as the door to Brightside came into view, “But did you kiss him?”

I used the closeness of the coffee shop to my advantage, because while Ella was curious and persistent, I knew she wouldn’t embarrass me with that question in the coffee shop.

So, I ducked my head in embarrassment and unlooped my arm from hers, “No.”

“Mick––”

I shushed her and pulled open the door, quickly walking through to stop her interrogation.

“There she is,” I looked up to see Niall beaming behind the counter, “Was wondering when you’d show up.”

Ella smirked at me as we walked up to the counter, “Told ya.”

I rolled my eyes at her and stopped right in front of the register, “Hi, Niall.”

He crossed his arms over his chest and smiled wickedly, “Still tired from the party?”

“I––”

“He was there?!” Ella’s jaw hung wide open as I stared at her with wide eyes. She then faced Niall, who barked out a laugh, and pointed a finger at him, “You were there?!”

Niall nodded proudly, “Seeing those two together warmed my heart,” he uncrossed his arms and placed both hands over his heart, “He even serenaded her––”

Ella’s eyes doubled in size as she whipped around to face me again, “He sang to you?!”

I quickly glared at Niall, who looked like he was enjoying knowing more than my best friend, before I let out a sigh, “Ella––”

She dramatically threw her hands above her head, “I can’t believe you left that part out––”

“McLane.”

All talking stopped as all of our heads slowly turned to the left where Shawn was standing, holding stacks of paper cups. His eyes darted back and forth between all of us in confusion, but then he let his eyes linger on me for a second, and I felt my shoulders droop and couldn’t help but smile.

His hair was a bit disheveled, black shirt wrinkled, and one of his shoelaces was only loosely tied together. Even though he was partially hidden behind paper cups, I still melted at the sight of him.

“Shawn,” I let out a breath to try and control the nerves that bounced around in my stomach, “Hey.”

Niall smirked, “I’ll let Romeo make your coffee.”

And right after Niall excused himself, so did Ella, “I’ll get us a table.”

Both of our friends scurried away and it left us alone for the first time since Saturday.

What was I supposed to say? What was I supposed to do? He was at work after all, so we couldn’t do much, but was there something I was supposed to do? He still held stacks of cups in his arms, so I wasn’t able to hold his hand.

I wish Ella hadn’t ran off so fast.

I rocked back and forth and let out a small breath, “So…The morning shift.”

Shawn sighed and closed his eyes momentarily before opening them back up. He was still in front of the counter, and didn’t look like he wanted to move behind the barrier anytime soon, “Not ideal. But I’ll get off when Lola comes in at two.”

As if on instinct whenever I heard her name, I held my breath and felt my jaw tighten just a bit. I hadn’t completely forgotten about her since her rude remarks about me at the party, but I tried my best to push her away.

“Have some studying to do?” Shawn eyed my bag. I was about to answer, but both of our attentions were pulled away when we heard the distinct chime of the bell. I saw Shawn tense up in frustration, eyes narrowing at the customers who walked through the door, as he let out a huff.

But Niall gave Shawn a look––I got this––he said as he walked up to the register and took care of the orders. Shawn let out a sigh of relief and turned to face me, and his frustrated eyes were now full of light.

“I have another reading,” I answered his question with a roll of my eyes, “But that shouldn’t take too long.”

Shawn nodded his head, “Longer than––” he looked at the clock that was behind the counter, whispering numbers to himself, “Four hours?”

I shrugged my shoulders, “I would say no longer than two––maybe three hours.”

Shawn’s shoulders fell a little, and while he smiled, the corners of his eyes didn’t crinkle like they normally did, “Oh, well I was––I get off in like four hours if you wanted to do something.”

Oh.

My eyes lit up in understanding and I nodded my head, the butterflies I felt in my stomach whenever I was around Shawn felt as if they were making a home, “I can wait.”

Shawn looked relieved as he smiled, with the corners of his eyes crinkling, “Cool––That’s nice.” He shifted around the stacks of cups, so he was securely cradling them in one arm, as he held his other hand up.

I felt the heat rush to my cheeks as I raised my hand up to meet his in a high-five. But unlike the first time we high-fived outside of my residence hall, he curled his fingers between mine, as our intertwined hands fell between us.

Shawn held a proud smile on his face as he slowly swung our hands in between us, “I’ll bring a latte over to you.”

I shook my head, a smile present on my face, “I can come to the counter.”

He squeezed my hand and I felt the butterflies swarm around every part of my body, “You’re wasting precious time. I expect that reading to be done before our date.”

Date.

I tried my best to keep eye contact with him, but in the best way possible, I felt nervous about our second date, so I looked down at the hardwood floor, “It’ll be done.”

Once again, he squeezed my hand, and I picked my head to look up at him. He had a soft smile on his face as he looked at me, and I knew I reciprocated the dreamlike stare. I didn’t want to stop holding his hand––I wanted to hold his hand for the rest of eternity––but he did have a job and I had studying to do.

In response to his hand squeeze, I returned the squeeze before regretfully dropping our hands. His eyes immediately snapped down to where our hands previously dangled between us, before he lifted his head and pouted.

“Sadly, we both have responsibilities.”

Shawn sighed and slowly nodded his head, his eyes glancing back down at my hand every few seconds, before he locked eyes with me, “I’ll be right over with your drink.”

It looked like he was restraining himself from stepping toward me, but I made sure to squash any ideas in his head by taking a step back, “I’ll be over with Ella.”

He nodded his head, smiling one last time, before he walked behind the counter.

It didn’t take too long to find Ella at a table that had plenty of room for two. I set my bag on the chair, pulling out my notebook and textbook, setting them on the table, before I placed my bag on the ground.

And right as I slid into the seat across from Ella, my back facing the front counter, she looked up from scrolling on her phone, “Did you two really high five?”

I shrugged and flipped open the textbook to a reading I knew I would dread.

Ella took hold of the ends of the book I was reading, and pulled it towards her, which effectively gave all of my attention to her. I glared as she started talking, “That would’ve been such a cute time for him to sneak a quick kiss in before he went back to work and––Mick…”

She said my name slowly as I avoided her gaze. I could feel it inside of me that Ella knew. Ella was the master at piecing together small details and I knew that she knew.

“Did you high five him on Saturday?”

I yanked my book back from her and tried to do my best to concentrate on the words. But I knew that was a lost cause, especially when Ella continued to talk, “Are you serious––”

“Hey…” I lifted my head up from the textbook as I saw Shawn walk up to the table with a yellow cup. He placed it down in front of me and I smiled up at him, “Let me know if you guys need anything.” He placed a hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze, “Just call out for me or shoot me a text.”

And with one last shoulder squeeze, I noticed that he had the same look in his eyes that he had on Saturday night. And it was the same look in his eyes he had just a few moments ago after we stopped holding hands.

Ella smiled wickedly at me, “He so wanted to kiss you before he left.”

“Shut up,” I dismissed her comment and lifted my head up to peak inside the cup. I’m not sure what kind of latte art he was trying to create, but I knew he had something in mind, and it still made me smile.

Ella rolled her eyes at my comment and opened her textbook, “At least Niall remembered my name when I asked for a coffee,” I looked up at her and let out a small laugh, “He’s a bit loud, but at least he has a brain.”

I raised an eyebrow at her, “You’re complaining about someone being loud?”

In response to my quip, Ella balled up a napkin and threw it at my forehead. I scrunched up my nose and she flipped me off. With a shake of my head at her childish behavior, I went to studying.

While Brightside was my absolute favorite space to study, it was increasingly becoming harder and harder to concentrate. It was always hard to concentrate here, but ever since Shawn asked me out and we went on our date…It felt absolutely impossible.

I was more tuned into hearing his laugh than I was to whatever Ella said. I found myself sneaking glances at him more than I was looking at the words on the page I was meant to read. And my mind was preoccupied with how soft his hand was curled around mine. I was already enamored with every little movement of his before he asked me out, and all of my feelings intensified around him now.

Not that I was complaining.

“Mick,” Ella’s soft voice caused me to blink back into reality. She smirked, no doubt knowing that she caught me daydreaming about the barista behind the counter, “Wanna head back?”

I shook my head with a smile, “Shawn and I actually have plans for when he gets off.”

Ella’s smirk widened as she started packing up her bag. I cringed at the loud sound of her chair scratching against the hardwood floor. As if I could feel his stare at me, I slowly turned my head to peer over my shoulder and saw Shawn’s eyes glued on our table. His eyebrows were furrowed, almost as if he was worried I would leave––even though we had plans in a few hours.

His worried eyes found mine and offered him a small smile and a wave. I saw the blush on his cheeks before he waved back and turned around to clean the espresso machine.

“You got him wrapped around your finger,” Ella laughed as she slung her tote bag over her shoulder, “I’ll see ya later.”

And before she left the table, she blew me a kiss and winked.

If I wasn’t nervous about hanging out with Shawn after he got done with work, I was sure as hell nervous now. I liked Shawn a lot––more than I’ve liked anyone in a long time––so of course I wanted to kiss him. But he just made me so…I don’t think I have the words to say what he makes me feel like.

I do know that he makes me feel all light and fluttery, as if I’m floating through a dream. And I know that while I still rambled uncontrollably around him, his presence was calming. His smile used to be my favorite thing about him that calmed me down, but since I now knew what it was like to hold his hand…

The way he gently rubbed his thumb along the top of my hand made me feel more calm than anything else in the world.

There was still an hour left until Shawn got off from work, but I was all done with the work I brought. While I could’ve gotten ahead on other school work, I knew it would be useless. So I took out my sketchbook––still grateful it was at Brightside and not somewhere in the city––and started to draw.

I tapped my pencil a few times, not really feeling inspired by anything, as I turned my head to look around the coffee shop. I already had countless doodles of patrons at their table, stacks of cups, and a few versions of the espresso machine.

With a sigh, I was about to close my sketchbook and call my brother out of boredom, until I heard his laugh.

I don’t know what he was laughing at, but it made my ears perk up and caused a small smile to spread across my face. Along with a smile, and all the other times I heard his laugh, a small swarm of butterflies erupted in my stomach. I felt as if I was in the middle of a warm spring day, instead of in the middle of a dreary day in the beginning of February.

The butterflies in my stomach reminded me of a particular butterfly Shawn had tattooed on his arm. From the countless times I stared at his arms, I had every detail of his tattoo etched into my mind. And before I knew it, my hand started drawing the outline for the butterfly.

I was in the middle of drawing one of the flowers when I heard the chime of the bell.

The moment I looked up, I regretted it and wished I stayed concentrated on the butterfly I was drawing. Lola pranced in, a bright smile on her face as her eyes only looked at Shawn. She obviously didn’t see I was sitting at a table because her smile hadn’t faltered one bit.

I turned in my seat––pencil still gripped between my fingers with the tip on the page––so I could blatantly watch her.

“Hi, Shawn,” She said happily, completely ignoring Niall who scrunched his nose up.

It was when Shawn smiled back at her––with the same gleam of fondness in his eyes that she had when staring at him––when I felt the butterflies in my stomach slowly disappear. Even though Niall said that they had no history between them…I didn’t believe him.

I felt my jaw clench as tight as I gripped my pencil.

“Lola,” Shawn let out a sigh of relief as he went over to the register, punching in some numbers, “I’m so happy to see you.”

The tip of my pencil broke.

It was as if Niall could feel the jealousy radiating off me that he gave me a reassuring smile and secretly shook his head. He was telling me not to worry. But how could I not worry when Shawn was looking at Lola the way I wanted him to look at me.

“You know I’m always happy to see you,” Lola smiled wide at Shawn as she walked behind the counter, trying to stand as close to him as possible.

But once she stepped behind the counter, Shawn quickly rounded to the opposite side, leaving Lola standing with her mouth hanging wide open in shock. Niall let out a laugh and Lola glared at him.

As if Lola wasn’t even on his mind anymore, I saw Shawn walk toward me with a smile on his face. And even though I was the one waiting for him to be done, I still felt surprised that he walked up to the table I was sitting at.

He stopped in front of me and shoved his hands into his front pockets, “Let me just grab my stuff and we can go.”

Still feeling a bit dazed, I just nodded my head as I watched him turn on his heel and walk down the stairs. Before I started packing up my stuff, I quickly glanced behind the counter. And just like I expected, Lola was sending me a death glare, eyes more narrow than I’d ever seen them before. But looking a bit deeper, I saw a hint of despair as she looked away from me and watched Shawn walk away from her.

I quickly shifted my eyes to look at Niall who looked like he was trying to hold in his laughter.

I slipped all of my books in my tote bag just as Shawn came up the stairs––taking two at a time. He didn’t spare a glance at his co-workers behind the counter as he headed straight to my table. Instead of just a black shirt, he had on a pink sweatshirt under a black jacket, prepared for the London air.

“Ready?” He asked.

Nodding, I stood up and slipped on my own jacket. And right when I had my jacket on properly, Shawn instantly grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the table. I let out a small laugh, making sure to grab my bag, as he practically dragged me toward the door.

“See you guys tomorrow!” Shawn said in a cheerful voice, waving at Niall and Lola.

Lola’s arms were crossed over her chest. And every ounce of sadness in her eyes disappeared as her eyes were locked on Shawn’s hand connected with mine. Once she lifted her eyes to look at me, I knew I would much rather be stranded out in a snowstorm than have her icy glare on me for a second longer.

And with a smile that I couldn’t contain, Shawn pushed the door open, and we were out on the sidewalk.

Shawn looked down at me, “What’re you hungry for?”

I shrugged, because while I should probably have something solid in my stomach other than coffee, I wasn’t all that hungry, “Whatever you want is fine.”

Shawn hummed and furrowed his eyebrows in concentration. We stayed in front of Brightside for a few seconds until a slight gust of wind hit our faces and I shuffled into Shawn’s side.

“C’mon,” he squeezed my hand and started walking up the street, “I know a place.”

The walk wasn’t long, we only had to brave the cold wind for about three minutes before I saw a black building with large yellow writing; EDITOR’S TAP.

Shawn let our hands drop as he held the door open for me, and while I was sad to lose physical contact with him, the warmth of the restaurant was a little more inviting.

Once I was fully in, Shawn stepped next to me, and the tips of fingers touched the inside of my palm. Slowly, he slid his palm against mine, spreading out my hand as he slid his fingers between mine.

I lied; Shawn’s hand was most definitely warmer than the inside of this restaurant.

He smiled at me before tugging on my hand and walking further in, “Sometimes it’s best to reserve a table here, but it’s never busy on a Monday afternoon.”

And he was right, it wasn’t busy at all. While there were some people scattered around the place, enjoying a drink, it was practically empty. Shawn led us to a high rise table for two and plucked the menus out of the holder.

He handed one to me, and I scanned it for a few seconds, before looking up at him, “What do you usually get?”

Shawn looked up from his menu, “Usually just a pizza and a drink.”

I placed the menu back in its holder as it rested on the white tile wall, “Then a pizza and a drink it is.”

He let out a small laugh, “But you’re lactose intolerant.”

I rolled my eyes and brought my bag up to my lap, digging around for the little white square package that was a lifesaver on more than one occasion. When my eyes found a stray one at the bottom of my bag, I smiled, and lifted it up to show Shawn, “With this I can eat any dairy.”

Shawn smiled as he put his menu aside, “Aren’t you lucky.” He pushed his chair back and stepped down, “Is it okay if we split a pizza? I don’t think I can eat a whole one right now.”

I nodded my head, “Works for me.”

He nodded, about to walk off, but stopped in front of me, “What do you want to drink?”

I shrugged, “Whatever you get.”

Again, he nodded and he continued to stand in front of me. His eyes were focused on mine, but his eyebrows were furrowed deep in concentration, as if he was having an internal debate in his head. I tilted my head, wondering if he was having an internal debate with himself on what drink to order, but my eyes widened when I saw the familiar look in his eyes.

It was the same look he had on Saturday night when he dropped me off at my residence hall.

The same look he gave me a few hours ago when we held hands in Brightside.

And it was exactly how he was looking at me now.

I felt my throat tighten up, hands start to sweat, and I knew my eyes grew just a teeny bit larger in size. He was just staring at me. And I knew exactly what he was thinking about doing.

So naturally, I held my hand up to high five him.

That seemed to bring Shawn out of whatever he was thinking about. A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips. He brought a hand up to return the high five, “Be right back.”

When he finally left, I let out the breath I’d been holding in.

While it felt nice to know that Shawn wanted to kiss me…I don’t think any person would want to have their first kiss–��with someone that they really really liked––when the person was about to order beers for them.

It didn’t seem…romantic.

In no time, Shawn walked back to the table––a pint glass in each hand––as he set one down in front of me.

The glass was a bit cold when I pulled it toward me, as I looked at the golden amber color that was below the white foam that reached the brim of the glass. The color of the beer was similar to the golden flecks in his brown eyes. And with thinking about his eyes, I looked up and saw that he was already looking at me.

“It’s a Camden Hells lager,” Shawn answered the question that I was about to ask, “It’s on the lighter side so I thought you’d like it.”

I smiled in appreciation and lifted it up to take a sip, “How much was everything?”

Shawn rolled his eyes as he placed his pint glass on the table, “Do you really think I’m going to let you pay?”

“It’s only fair if we split half,” I leaned my forearms on the table, leaning in toward the middle of the table, “Please?”

Shawn laughed as he copied my movements, forearms on the table and leaning in close to the middle, “I have a job. I’m more than happy to pay for you.”

With a roll of my eyes, I leaned back on the chair, “If only my visa let me work.”

It was meant to be a joke, something lighthearted about the restrictions that were placed on me with my student visa. And even though Shawn gave me a weak smile––trying to find the humor in the joke––I could sense that it didn’t make him too happy that I reminded him of my expiration date in the United Kingdom.

We both took a sip of our beers and ignored my poor attempt of a joke.

After a prolonged sip, I placed the glass on the table, and rested my elbows on the table. With my chin resting on the inside of one of my palms, I looked at him like he was the most interesting person on the planet, “I still can’t believe you told me that you only sang in the shower.”

At the change of subject, Shawn bowed his head as his cheeks turned red, “I wasn’t lying.”

“You sang in front of all those people,” I raised my eyebrows at him, “And it seemed like you sang in front of a crowd before.”

Shawn shook his head, taking another sip of his beer to avoid the question. But I patiently waited until he set the glass on the table with a sigh.

“Just a few times at parties,” Shawn shrugged, “Nothing special.”

I scoffed, “Nothing–––” My words were cut off when someone quickly came up to our table and placed a pepperoni pizza in between us.

We both said thank you as two individual plates were set in front of us and Shawn started cutting into the pizza.

“Shawn, you’re really good,” I reassured him as I held up my plate for him to put a slice of pizza on, “You could really be––”

As if he knew what I was going to say, he shook his head and took a bite of his pizza, “I’m more into producing. Maybe some songwriting, but I don’t want to perform or release my own stuff.”

Even though I thought he had all the potential to be a performer, if his mind was set on producing, I knew there wasn’t anything I could say to change his mind. I lifted my own slice of pizza, and just when I was about to take a bite, Shawn interrupted me.

“Lactose pill,” he chided me, “You made a whole ordeal of digging around your bag for one.”

Embarrassed that I almost forgot about the pill that would save my intestines, I picked it up from the table, and tore the wrapper. Shawn looked at me with a proud smile on his face as I popped the chalky pill into my mouth and washed it down with beer.

“Happy?”

Shawn nodded his head, speaking with his mouth full, “You’ll thank me later.”

I rolled my eyes as I took a bite of pizza.

We spent more time talking about the kind of music Shawn liked to produce, I complained about some of my lectures, and we both laughed when Shawn missed his mouth as he took a sip of beer––that spilled down the front of his sweatshirt.

The pizza was finished before the beer; and while I always had a hand around the pint glass, my free hand slowly inched toward the center of the table. I thought my movements were subtle, but I did see his eyes flicker down whenever my fingers creeped forward.

If he was as in tune with my movements as I was with his, then he definitely knew what my intentions were.

I saw him nonchalantly itch the bridge of his nose and drop his hand on the table. And, just like I had done moments before, he carried on our conversation without missing a beat. And while he kept steady eye contact with me, I saw the corner of his mouth slowly upturn every time his hand moved closer to mine.

And even as the tips of his fingers brushed mine, he still continued talking as if nothing important was happening.

He seemed to be acting so cool, calm, and collected when I felt the exact opposite.

The moment he slid his fingers between mine, I felt hot. And when our hands were connected, I briefly looked down at them, and my stomach flipped with nerves. But when I looked up and into Shawn’s eyes, who had the softest smile on his face––with the corners of his eyes crinkled––he gave me a squeeze and I felt myself come undone.

Even after our beers were finished, we continued to talk with our hands intertwined across the table.

I didn’t want to leave, and I know Shawn didn’t either, but the restaurant was starting to fill up and we knew we had extended our stay. With a sigh, I regretfully pulled my hand away from Shawn’s––who looked just as sad as me––and slid off the chair.

Once I had my jacket properly on and my tote bag over my shoulder, Shawn took two steps to where I was, and reconnected our hands.

We walked out of the restaurant and the air didn’t seem as cold as before.

“What’s on your schedule for the rest of the day?” Shawn bumped my shoulder.

I leaned into his side to bump his shoulder back, but the warmth that radiated from his side kept me pressed up against him, “I’ve been putting off laundry.”

Shawn let out a laugh, “You and me both.”

“I also have to study, but I don’t want to,” I smiled when I felt his thumb rub up and down my index finger, “What about you?”

“Well, I don’t have to study,” Shawn smirked as we stopped at a corner of a street, waiting for the go ahead to cross, “But I do need to do laundry. I’m out of clean black shirts.”

I scrunched my nose up in disgust, “Are you wearing a dirty shirt?”

Shawn shrugged, “I’ve only worn it twice.” Even though his shirt was under his sweatshirt and jacket, I still leaned away from him. “Oh, come on,” Shawn tugged on my hand to pull me back into his side as we crossed the street, “It’ll get washed today.”

I rolled my eyes as we came up to the familiar Temple Underground Station and I felt my heart sink that we’d have to part ways. I was ready to dig around in my bag for my Oyster card, but Shawn seemed to have other plans.

I felt a tug of my hand, and I was only able to make out a devilish smirk on his face before he started to run. And when he ran, my hand connected to his was pulled along. We ran past the Underground station and across the road behind the station.

Once we made it to the other side, and stood by a small wall that kept people from falling into the Thames River, we tried to catch our breath.

“There was a red double decker bus coming at us full speed,” I brought my free hand up to my chest to even out my breathing, but Shawn’s laughter made it hard.

He squeezed my hand, “We made it.”

“Barely.”

As both of our laughing simmered down, we continued to stand in front of each other, hands still connected. I had no idea what his intentions were with running across the street when we were literally at our destination, but I didn’t have to think much longer when I saw it.

It was the way his shoulders looked slightly more relaxed. The subtle tilt of his head with an easy closed lip smile on his face. It was how his eyes looked as if they were captivated by the most interesting thing in the world.

It was the same look he had on Saturday night when he dropped me off at my residence hall.

The same look he gave me hours ago when we held hands in Brightside.

The same look he gave me right before he was off to order us food.

And it was exactly how he was looking at me now.

I gulped, “Do you work tomorrow?”

Shawn let out a relaxed breath and I didn’t miss how he slowly took a step closer to me, “Yeah. Afternoon.” He spoke shortly.

I nodded, and looked to my right to see a boat going down the Thames. When I turned my head to look back at him, it was the same moment he took another step forward.

“I’ll stop by––”

“You have class.”

I nodded my head, becoming all too aware of how close we were actually standing together, “I can always be a little late.”

And even though he rolled his eyes at my statement, his eyes still shined bright, “We both know you hate being late.”

“I can stop in after class,” I rushed out. And while I wanted to avoid his intense stare, there was still a calmness held in his eyes that I couldn't tear myself away from, “Or maybe Wednesday? Do you work this Wednesday? I’m done in the afternoon––”

“McLane.”

It was like he knew I was going to hold my other hand up to high five him, because with his free hand, he tangled our fingers together.

“I can even just come to hang out,” I started rambling, something I hadn’t done in quite a while in front of him, “I can get some work done––Because now that I––I think I have a lot of work to catch up on? I’ve been putting off lots of work–––

I effectively cut myself short of my own rambling when he let go of one of my hands, and brought one of his hands up to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. And instead of letting his hand either fall down to his side, or go back to holding mine, his hand softly touched my cheek.

I sucked in a breath.

While his thumb stayed on my cheek, his other fingers curled around behind my neck. I lifted my head up slightly to look into his eyes. The same look was still there as he started to rub soft circles against my cheek.

“I––”

“McLane,” he whispered my name with a bit more significance. And even though I could sense the seriousness behind his tone, he still sounded happy…like all the times he called out my name when I walked into Brightside day after day.

I felt the butterflies slowly build up in my lower stomach as he leaned his forehead against mine; both of our eyes still open and staring into each other's eyes. I knew Shawn’s eyes looked soft. But my eyes? I was sure they were wide and wild with anticipation. Because while there was nothing else I wanted to do more than kiss him…My thoughts always seemed to get the better of me.

Was this really happening? I knew that Shawn liked me…And I knew he wanted to kiss me…But thinking that it was possibly––most likely–– going to happen now? Was he about to kiss me after we barely escaped being hit by an iconic red double decker bus?

There was no way I could interrupt this with a high five.

“I really want to kiss you right now,” He breathed out as he brushed his nose against mine.

My eyes went wide at his confession, “I––Yeah. Okay.”

And before my mind could scold itself on why that was my response instead of––Yeah, Shawn, I really want to kiss you too––he closed his eyes and pressed his lips against mine.

His lips were soft and gentle as he hesitantly brushed his lips over mine again. I could feel the nervousness behind the barely there kiss. But after noticing that I wasn’t recoiling away from him, he bent his head and gave me a real kiss.

The moment he pressed his lips against mine, he dropped our connected hands and wrapped an arm around my waist. I was highly aware of the way his fingers curled around behind my neck, very aware of how close I was pressed up against him, and very much aware of how slow his kisses were––even though I could tell he was trying to restrain himself.

With my eyes closed, I heard the distant sounds of traffic, smelled espresso beans off of Shawn’s clothes, finally tasted his lips against mine, and even the softness of his sweatshirt I felt under my hands couldn’t conceal the rapid pace of his heartbeat.

While the kiss never picked up speed, he still slowed down his movements to the point where his lips met mine in an agonizingly slow pace. It took everything in me not to kiss him back with every ounce of passion I felt for him.

Like every time I was around him, I couldn’t help but smile. I tried to push my smiling to the back of my mind, but there was something so…so alluring about his presence that made me want to smile. And with my eyes still closed, as I felt Shawn try to continue to kiss me with my smile, I felt a shiver race down my spine.

Every poor latte art design, every time I suffered getting stuck in the rain, everytime Niall teased one––or both––of us…It was all worth it because it led to this moment. A moment where I felt nothing but pure bliss as the wind picked up.

A/N: Finally…After one too many high-fives…A first kiss! And it won’t be the last of kisses between them 😊 And we saw a bit of jealousy in Mick…Wouldn’t it be a shame if that jealousy kept coming back?? Hmmm ✨✨✨

Anyway, it’s been a crazy past few weeks, but I’ve done lots & lots of C’est Toi planning and finally finished chapter 13 in my docs 🥳 So weekly updates will continue ! Thank you all so so much for your kind words, they really mean the world to me and give me so much motivation to continue writing!!

I love you all more than I can put into words! I’ll forever cherish each and every single one fo you!! Make it a good week, I’ll be sending good vibes your way 🥰✨💗💥

C’est Toi Taglist: @mendesficsxbombay, @5-seconds-of-mendes, @pupsandducks, @musicalkeys, @im-salt-but-not-salty, @shawnmendez, @crossedties @lenamds @samaratheweirdo @shawnsreputation @ineedmorestyles @kerwritesthings

(send me a message if you want to be removed / added!!)

#Shawn Mendes #Shawn Mendes Fic #Shawn Mendes Fluff #Shawn Mendes Imagine #Shawn Mendes Fanfic #Shawn Mendes AU #Shawn Mendes Writing #Wonder #Shawn Mendes Coffee Shop AU #Shawn Mendes Fanfiction #Shawn Mendes x OC #Shawn Mendes x OFC #Shawn #Mendes #Shawn Mendes Story #Shawn Mendes Stories #tags work like half the time so I'm just gonna pause now sldf #enjoy!! let me know your thoughts!!!

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nemo-of-house-hamartia · 3 years

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Pass the happy! When you get this, reply with 5 things that make you happy and send this to the last 10 people in your notifications! 🦋

Sorry for answering so late to this, but thank you so much for sending it to me, Zinky! <3 so, 5 things that makes me happy!

1) THE NORTHERN LIGHTS. To see those ribbons of light dancing against the dark Northern Skies, bursting out in colours and lightining up the nocturnal air.....nothing -NOTHING- rivals it. They just fill me with such an awe, I feel like I am experiencing something otherwordly.

2) THE FULL MOON and THE NIGHT. I cannot even start to say how many times I have been awake during the nights of Full Moon and sat on my windowsill to look at her, listening to my favourite tracks, while enjoying the moonbeams and the quietness of the night.

3) THE OCEAN. Ok, here is the thing. I don't particularly appreciate summer, BUT. BUT. The great vastity of the Oceans is something that just fills me with such great peace that, wherever I happen to go to the seaside and hear the waves crashing against the sand, I feel I am finally back home (my mom used to say that I had learnt how to swim before I did walking, and maybe she was onto something? I don't know, I just know that I am a stranded mermaid that has lost her tail!).

4)Drawing. I spent most of my life with a pencil and a sketchbook always at hand, because I was always so immersed into whatever world I was at the moment that I just couldn't run the risk to lose any idea that might just spark into my mind because prompted by something that I saw (I mean, I was in Florida once and I had the idea for a dress LOOKING AT A FREAKING PALM TREE. And thank gods I had the sketchbook with me). So, drawing, being able to translate what I see into my mind into a tangible shape (sometimes successfully, sometimes not) fills me with extreme joy.

5)Collecting Pins!! I know, it's weird, but I always adored those small pins that they sell in the Disney Parks and whatnot, and ever since 2019 I have been starting collecting them, be them Disney-related or not! Each time I find one that I feel can represent me or it's about my fave character, I just squeal in absolute delight!!! (I had an AC one, but I lost it, dang it.) So now, each time I go around somewhere, instead of buying postcards, I buy pins!!

THANK YOU FOR THE ASK, ZINKY!! <3 I HAD FUN ANSWERING THIS!

#my asks #yeah #i wasn't blessed with the gift of syntex

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mcrmadness · 4 years

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Madness draws: Behind the Scenes of the Bela/Farin: “Widumihei” comic.

A few months ago I posted here this comic:

CLICK HERE for the original post about that comic where you can see it in better and bigger size, and also reblog it ;)

And this post is just a deep dive into how I plan, do and draw my comics.

Let’s start with sketchbook things...

So every comic needs a story, right? My comics usually are born from either some dialogue I imagine in my head or by an impulsive inspiration that happens when I see something or talk with people and a random idea is triggered. I’m very good at coming up with new ideas solely based on just one word or so which is why I often ask people if they have anything they would want to see/read because I suck at coming up ideas on my own. Or I do get ideas, but not as often as I’d want to.

This particular idea was very old and I have tried but I cannot find the piece that was my inspiration but it was in some of my old German books because I remember laughing at it with either my brother or even with the German teacher in 2011 or 2012. I was only able to find my first “sketch” of the story:

This is in the notebook I used for writing down some comic ideas and even had one comic in it, plus it’s also my fanfiction writing notebook. It has no date but I know for sure it was either 2011 or 2012 because that’s when I did my last Bela/Farin comic and pretty much started my (unintentional) 6 year pause from drawing altogether.

I have always been trilingual when I do these plans for my comics, often writing the “narration” in Finnish and the dialog either in English or German because I just cannot imagine them to speaking Finnish. The translation of that text goes as:

COMIC (sarjis = sarjakuva = comic book in Finnish)

1. The phone is ringing. 2. F: “Widumihei?!” B: ? 3. B: “Farin wtf?” 4. Farin walks from another room. 5. B: “Widumihei?” 6. F: “It means, “will you marry me?”“ 7. B: *wtf* REPLAY:

1. Bela is sitting/laying somewhere. 2. The phone is ringing. Reached with his hand? 3. Looks at the phone, “wtf?”, a thought: “von Jan: Widumihei?!” 4. Bela: “Farin?” / “Jan?” 5. F comes from another room, looks in from behind the door frame or something. B: “Widumihei?” 6. F: “Widumihei: “WIllst DU MIch HEiraten”“ 7. B: “WTF”

So when I then started to draw these comics again in 2018, I kept thinking about this one too and still wanted to draw it one day. If you have read the finished comic, you may notice something different in the old plot versus new: I switched Bela’s and Farin’s roles. Back then I didn’t know too much yet but over the years I have learnt much much more about them and I just figured that asking to marry him even as a joke would be too much for Farin and that it would fit Bela’s persona much much better.

***

I had a bit of problems with getting started with this one, mainly because the last times I drew a dä comic was in June 2020, in April 2020 and before those in October 2019. Because of so long time between the comics, I just always forgot about my methods and in which order I do things and what works for me the best. So every time I started to work on a comic, I had to start completely over because all I had was blank paper and I somehow needed to get my thoughts in order and out of my head, into a physical form aka as text and images on the paper, and it’s easier said than done.

So pardon me but from this on the text is going to get a little bit confusing for a little while from now on - but it’s also a very good look over how the life with my suspected ADHD be like sometimes...

I started working on the plot once again to my sketchbook... I think it was somewhere in the beginning of 2020. Because the next idea there is from the summer. This is what the plot looked like at that point - here I had already switched their roles:

Shortly, the texts go: 1. Farin is reading a book. 2. A phone makes a noise. 3. (Farin) looks at it/read the message. / 6. B appears into the doorway. / 11. F spits out the tea.

And underneath it you can see one of the stick figure storyboards I often do in order to kinda see the text in pictures better, and I will write down or draw important aspects like expressions (Farin’s eyebrows) or things like *facepalm’* or *eyeroll* so that I remember to add them.

Next I was struggling with the era. It needed to be an era with the old mobile phones with SMS options but still not too early because I feel that Farin would have not been the first in line to buy a brand new technology object, especially not when it’s a phone. I was even googling when did Germany get their first mobile phone - I remember I got my first phone aka Nokia 5510 in 2000 or 2001 after my mom got a new one and gave her old one to me, so the story shouldn’t happen too many years before the Millenium.

Originally I planned 1997 for that - I needed to think about that based on their styles because shorter hair is harder to draw. Here’s me trying out some hairs and how they’re to draw and which era would suit my needs the best. I actually find the text hilarious altho it’s mine but this is what it’s in English:

Time period -> 1996-1997? 1998 I’ve never drawn 1999 is not that much fun to draw 2000 is already a bit too late? Bela not that much fun to draw. -2001 moustaches are not fun to draw?

I think I was struggling with my thoughts because the next thing in that sketchbook is yet another storyboard:

Or actually I think this was just to see how many sheets I’d need and how many panels I could fit on one sheet.

Anyhow, I then did other things for some time before I got back to this project this year. Including finishing with the sketchbook I had been using since 2010 (and the half of it since 2018!) and I had to get myself a new one. So when I started to think about this comic again, one night I was just thinking about some Bela/Farin scenarios as usual and suddenly I just felt that I NEED to do the comic in the 1998 style!!! So suddenly we jump from the original 1997 idea to the new era, only because of the colors.

So asap I grabbed my sketchbook and started to look for the proper colors for the hairs:

This one I posted here before too as I was struggling a lot and just felt that I didn’t know how to draw, again. Sometimes when I feel like that, I start drawing with my non-dominant aka left hand because it doesn’t have all that in muscle memory so drawing and writing with it feels more free and it feels almost like pressing a refresh button in my brain. Suddenly the right one know again how to draw because left isn’t too well in control. The below part of the image is done completely with the left hand, including the coloring.

And because I had now a new sketchbook, I somehow couldn’t... deal with the plot and plans being in a different sketchbook than everything else so I had write the plot/dialog AGAIN, into this new sketchbook, along with the storyboards and everything:

Translations: kirja = book, puhelin = phone, oviaukossa = in the doorway, teet suusta = tea(s) out of a/the mouth. “Puhelin zoom” just means “close up to the phone screen” in Madness.

You can also see that I found out that I don’t need to do the stick figure storyboards to imitate a sheet when I can just draw this rectangle and smaller rectangles inside of it and write there numbers to match the things in the dialog to make it much easier for me to plan the pages. And here’s also a small easter egg: there’s 13 panels overall in this comic :D I almost did 12 but then felt that no, I really need to do 13 because, you know, the hairs, the era, the album title. And also because I like the number so much lmao.

So from there we get to the second storyboard which is not just stick figures anymore but just me planning how I want the panels to look like. To get the imagery of the rooms and facial expressions etc. out onto the paper so that I can see them in real life instead of my shady imagination that sometimes isn’t as vivid as what I could be.

Also have you ever tried to draw a beach chair? It’s more difficult than you’d think:

I tried to draw the same thing from the same reference photos so many times and still I always felt like I was trying to draw that impossible triangle or some other illusion image. And it just went on and on here:

Originally I also had planned the second panel to be a close up of the phone so that Farin’s face would be left at the background from the frog perspective. That’s what I was trying to with that weird-ass face on the left but turned out that I have never drawn these characters from such angle and I just... couldn’t see it in my head clearly enough to be able to draw it. So I dismissed that idea and that’s why the angle changed from a phone close-up to a side view to the room and at Farin.

As I was in the middle of planning the second page, I suddenly wasn’t happy with my original plot anymore. I wasn’t sure if it would work and needed to think about it one more time. So I wrote two other dialogs here, along with a storyboards for them both. I ended up choosing B from those two options eventually.

I don’t remember anymore if I had already done the first sketch of the comics or not but at some point I just felt that I no longer knew how to draw in my style. Sometimes you just draw and learn wrong things and wrong methods that you get used to and then you have to take a break and actually do a little bit of studying over your own style to find again the way how you want to draw, and get rid of the bad habits and find the good ones again. In my case it was to draw the eyes way way too big when they originally never were THAT big, so I had to learn how to draw them small and normal again. That’s why I did these, as I really needed to pay attention to the faces and remember how to draw them again:

The front-side views were another big readong for this “study” because I have drawn that perspective only once or twice before and I needed to figure out how I want to draw that. Also, I don’t know if it’s just me but for some reason the front-side Farin reminds me of one of the parent characters from this cartoon called The Rugrats which I watched as a kid. It was totally unintentional, but you can google The Rugrats if you don’t know how the charatcers looked like in the cartoon.

The things below are just me testing something. The red Farins were just to test how the colored pencils work on each other and how the fineliners work with the colored pencils, and which way is the better way to do the shading. And the red colored pencil was the only one available at the time so that had to do.

A little bit about the heads btw: You might notice some difference between the left and right faces. It’s because I have always, always struggled with drawing anything that is looking at right. Most of the animal portraits and all I have drawn so that they look at left because I just find it so much easier to draw. I think with comics it’s because I always start with the eye (and the eyebrows if I don’t forget it) and then do the forehead, nose, mouth and chin, and after that I either continue from the hair (from the front) or do the ear first. But when I am drawing them to look at right, I have to basically draw the mirror image and starting from the hair is not the key because it can easily mess up with the perspectives. I still usually draw everything in the same order but it really is difficult because I’m doing a mirror image and my own hand is on the way, too. Basically I’m drawing from right to left instead of left to right! (I think I should try drawing those with my left hand, then...)

And from here we get to the first sketch of the comic. From here on the images are from my phone’s camera so they are sometimes illegally bad but no can do, I again didn’t think I’d post these to anywhere:

Here you can see I was mainly just focusing on the shapes and the space inside those panels. Just trying to see the perspective and how everything is. The only thing that I drew more precisely was the third panel, with the hand and phone. I had quite a nice memory of old phones in my head but I still googled for some reference photos of Nokia 5110 phones as that was my first phone (as I mentioned earlier), and I also happened to have some of my other old phones on the table nearby so I took my own hand reference photos too:

They always say there’s a little bit of the artist in their art and this one literally has that - “Farin’s” hand is actually my hand! :D And I think the size is kinda on point too because this phone was like 2-3 times smaller than Nokia 5110 and I have small hands, and I believe Farin must have much bigger hands, so the 5110 probably would have looked about the same size in his hand.

After the first sketch, the next step was then - the second sketch:

I also wanted to add more action to the panels so that it’s interesting to look at and not just basically the same panel over and over again with just different speech bubbles, so I came up with the idea of Farin spitting out his tea not being as cartoony as it could be and that he would have to actually clean it up instead of just leaving it there just because in cartoons/comics everything is possible. That way I got more depth into the panels and it was also interesting for me to draw because I drew lots of new postures I have never drawn before, and I’m surprised how well it went despite me not even looking for any kind of reference photos! The only things I used reference photos for were the beach chair, and the phone in a hand. (I have actually always been quite good at drawing 3D objects and spaces, especially if they are rectangular.)

So yeah, this is the phase where everything is then finished with pencil and what follows next is drawing the lines with fineliners - I use Sakura Pigma Micron fineliners for everything else, and black Promarker for doing the lines for the panels (and also if I need bigger pitch black areas done).

Here are the panel lines done but I only had a photo of this first sheet.

And here are both sheets with the finelining done and all pencil marks etc. erased. I really like this part because it looks so clean when all those sketch marks are gone. It’s also crazy to think I literally spend hours drawing something in pencil only to erase it all away later :D

And here’s one photo of the coloring process, the first one has only the base colors done but none of the shadows yet (apart from the shirts), and the second one has some of the shadows done but not everything yet.

Usually after coloring, I will then go through everything with the fineliners one more time to make sure all the lines are dark enough as it just gives everything the finished yet a bit “sketchy” look that what I really like with my comics. The actual last detail is always adding my signature along with the date or year.

And here’s the finished comic one more time for comparison:

Don’t forget to check and reblog the actual post about this comic if you read this post all the way here. I’d appreaciate that a lot since art and artist on Tumblr are not really that much appreciated.

#mcrmadness draws #mcrmadness draws: behind the scenes #my comics #dä fanart #die ärzte

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kikml2 · 4 years

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As many of you know, I'm very open about my very much debilitating depression. I have a hard time doing even little things, like getting up to go to the bathroom, or speaking to my family whom I live with, or taking a shower, etc.

In the same vein, I haven't drawn anything since sometime in 2019. Even when I had an idea, I just couldnt get out of bed to take the 5 steps to my sketchbook. It was a hurdle I spent a long time just not being able to jump. But tonight I actually managed it! So, please excuse the sketchiness, but here is my first drawing of 2020. I hope you like her : )

#depression tw #tw depression #cw depression #tw mental illness #mental illness tw #POSITIVITY #kikml2's art #art

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our-time-is-now · 3 years

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July 9, 2019 (1): Trigger

(previous play)

You can find more information about the authors, translators, content warning and additional information about the plays in the pinned post on our blog.

Attention! This play includes transgender topics. For more details see our interjection.

Tuesday, 4:03 pm:

Matteo: *in the afternoon he and David had grabbed two chairs from the cabin and set them up on the grass between the tent and the jetty* *they have made themselves a big jug of iced tea and are now relaxing there in peace* *Carlos and Kiki had asked them if they wanted to go into the lake with them but they declined* *he’s almost dozing and had barely noticed Alex walking past them to the lake*

David: *is sitting on his chair in the sun cross-legged with his sketchbook in front of him, where he has started to sketch Matteo as he is sitting on his chair so immobile and almost dozing* *didn’t really notice Alex also jump into the lake earlier, and only randomly hears voices, laughter, screeching and arguing in the background* *doesn’t let that interrupt him* *has just sketched the outlines of Matteo and was just about to start with the details, but instead reaches for his glass of iced tea and takes a sip first* *is really looking around for the first time since he had started sketching and notices Carlos and Kiki coming toward them from the jetty dripping with water – Carlos seems angry and Kiki seems to murmur something to him to calm him down* *tilts his head a little when they are getting closer and grins slightly* Trouble in paradise? Swallowed too much water?

Carlos: *is still mad* He would have jumped on you! Without hesitation! *hears Kiki placatingly: “But he didn’t… nothing happened!"* *then hears David’s comment and stops in front of them, furious* *sees Matteo slowly open his eyes and sit up a little groggily* *but turns to David* Swallowed too much water, my ass! Alex that moron just jumped into the water like a retard, without looking, and almost landed on Kiki* *doesn’t notice David getting angry because he’s still so mad* Such a spaz, really, can’t he see that there are other people here, apart from him? *doesn’t see Matteo lift his eyebrows and worriedly look at David instead of him*

David: *looks back and forth between Kiki and Carlos and doesn’t really get what it’s even about* *then hears Carlos’ explanation, but also doesn’t, because he only really registers the words “moron”, “retard” and “spaz”* *immediately feels his heart beat faster because Carlos is talking without thinking first once again* *has somehow registered that Alex had done something, but something that Kiki doesn’t seem to think is worth mentioning, and uncharacteristically for him simply ignores Carlos’ argument because those three words repeat themselves in his head again and again* *doesn’t really notice how tightly he’s gripping his pencil and his glass and tries to somehow stay calm* *but can’t really prevent himself from saying pretty angrily* You said that you didn’t want to say that anymore!

Carlos: *sees David’s reaction and at first feels vindicated because he thinks that he’s just as appalled by Alex as he is* *can now briefly see Matteo’s worried look but doesn’t really think much of it* *then frowns at David’s words and doesn’t know what he’s talking about* Huh? *then also hears Kiki: “Didn’t want to say what anymore?"* *shrugs* That Alex is a moron? But he is! *sees Matteo shake his head and adds* Yes, he is! Alex has to open his eyes for once! I really don’t get why the two of you aren’t bothered by it! What he did was totally stupid!

David: *feels how he starts to seethe when Carlos seemingly doesn’t understand at all what he did* *shakes his head at Carlos’ words and somehow tries to reconstruct what Alex did that made Carlos so angry, but then thinks that it actually doesn’t matter what he did, because nothing justifies the words “spaz” and “retarded”* *then hears Carlos now use “stupid” and realizes that he doesn’t think at all about what he says and that “stupid” is just as much a part of his daily vocabulary than “retarded” and “spaz”* *clears his throat, so that his voice won’t shake, and then says* Stupid, okay, fine! But you said that you wouldn’t use “retarded” anymore! And I think “spaz” is just the same… *slowly puts his glass down on the ground because he realizes how tense he is right now* *tries to somehow calm down but just can’t see it as chill as Carlos* *realizes that it makes him really angry and with a beating heart says* Just think about what you’re saying!

Carlos: *frowns when David talks and only then realizes what he’s talking about* Oohhhh… yeah, okay, sorry… I wasn’t thinking! I meant stupid… *feels Kiki put her hand on his arm and hears her say: “I already told you that, as well, Carlos. David is right, you don’t say something like that."* *rolls his eyes* Yeah, man, fine… I didn’t mean it like that, okay? *slightly shrugs his shoulders* I get it, you think that it sucks, but I also think that it’s annoying that you always make such a big deal out of it…

David: *wonders what’s so difficult about just thinking before speaking* *nods at Kiki’s words and finds it even more difficult to understand that Carlos can’t just get a grip if she had already told him that, as well* *rolls his eyes when Carlos says that he didn’t mean it like that and feels his heart continue to beat fast out of anger* But that’s just the thing! If you don’t mean it like that, then why do you even say it?! The people you say that to don’t know that you didn’t mean it like that! They take it personal! You hurt them with it! *laughs drily at his next words and thinks that he should calm down to not start a fight* *puts his pencil in his sketchbook and closes it* *while doing so realizes how tense and shaky he is and doesn’t manage to somehow calm down* *says a little angrily* A big deal!? Apparently that’s what it takes – to keep pointing it out to you… somehow you don’t understand it any other way.

Carlos: *slowly gets mad at David, as well, and also a little at Kiki and Matteo, because Kiki is against him and Matteo isn’t saying anything* Dude, David, get a grip! *shakes his head* You’ve really said it often enough now! Maybe I’m simply just not as politically correct as you are! *realizes how alone he feels and how it starts to seethe in him* *gets louder while he talks* I’m mad at Alex, I wanted to complain about it, to my /friends/! Do you see them anywhere? Because all I see is a guy who’s constantly criticizing me and who can’t forget for even two minutes that I used a wrong word! *is so mad that he doesn’t even hear Matteo actually say something for the first time: “Hey, Carlos, that’s enough…”*

David: *shakes his head when Carlos says that he should get a grip and sits up a little* *unconsciously hands Matteo his sketchbook because he’s afraid of bending it or throwing it to the ground out of anger and annoyance* *laughs drily at his next words* That doesn’t have anything to do with being politically correct! *clenches his fists when he notices Carlos getting louder and angrier and feels his heart beat fast* *suddenly has slight flashbacks of the guys at his old school – how they loudly ridiculed and taunted him* *shakes his head again to get rid of the images and feels a slight lump forming in his throat, which somehow only makes him more angry because he had actually told himself to not let such things get to him anymore* *rationally speaking knows that it’s not about him, but somehow can’t really separate that right now* *yells at Carlos* I’m sorry that I can’t just forget about it /for two minutes/! But did you maybe think about why that is?! Noo, probably not! Do you have any idea what that feels like to be called something like that!? I guess not, because otherwise you would finally manage to think before you talk! *takes a deep breath and tries to somehow calm down, but doesn’t really manage to* Well, unfortunately /I/ only know too well how that feels! I know guys like you! And to this day /I/ don’t know if they were serious about it when they called me “spaz” or “retarded” or if they /only/ didn’t think about what they were saying… But I know that it feels like shit! I know that you feel inferior because of it, like dirt, even though all you do is try to be yourself… *didn’t really realize that he had gotten up and taken a step towards Carlos; only feels his eyes getting wet and doesn’t know if it’s from anger or because of the hurt and the memories* *has to swallow and then huffs quietly* But you know what?! I’m not going to get on your case about it again! Then just say whatever you want! But I don’t want to hear that anymore! Then just deal with the fact that I’ll leave if you talk shit like that, to not be reminded of those guys every time you say that. I can’t do that again! And I don’t want to, either! I… *only shakes his head and stops* *feels distraught and confused, hurt and angry and still feels that stupid lump in his throat* *closes his eyes for a moment and hisses* Just leave me alone with it! *crosses his arms in front of his chest and storms past Carlos toward the cabin* *but can see Hanna, Sam and Amira sitting in front of it and impulsively goes toward the fireplace* *doesn’t want anyone to see him like that and to ask questions* *doesn’t want to have to talk to anyone*

Carlos: *is completely speechless when he hears David’s outburst* *feels worse with each sentence he says* *briefly looks at Matteo, who looks like he simultaneously wants to hit him and hug David* *says very quietly* But I… *stops because he realizes immediately that he doesn’t have anything good to say* *then already sees David walk away and stands there as if struck by lightning* *quietly hears Kiki say “shit” next to him* *looks over at Matteo completely out of his depths and quietly asks: “Don’t you want to go after him?"* *sees Matteo think about it for a minute and then shake his head: “No, Carlos, you’re the one who has to fix this."* *swallows hard* And the people at his old school really called him spaz? Because he’s trans? *sees Matteo only nod and apparently nod add anything else to it* *takes a deep breath and exhales slowly* Okay… *then starts moving and goes toward the cabin* *but can see the girls sitting there and then goes toward the fireplace* *can see David sitting there and approaches him slowly* *stops a few steps in front of him* Hey… may I… *shakes his head because that’s a stupid start* I’m sorry, man, really… sometimes I’m really stupid and don’t get anything. *then simply sits down on the ground opposite him* *thinks that David will just leave if he doesn’t want to see him right now*

David: *is sitting at the fireplace and is angry at himself for losing it like that and for letting such things get to him like that and that Carlos and Kiki now know what happened at his old school* *didn’t really want anyone to know, because he doesn’t want to be pitied, and because he doesn’t want for people to be considerate just because of it, either* *but is also angry at Carlos, because he just doesn’t get it and because he acts as if it were normal and because he probably will never get it what it really means if he uses words like that* *is still really tense when he sees Carlos come toward him* *at first has the urge to simply get up and flee and has to think about Matteo for a second and the fact that he promised him to not run away again and that he just did it, anyways* *just hopes that Matteo can understand that he had to get out of that situation, but right now only stays because of Matteo and thinks that it’s probably better to resolve this with Carlos instead of running away again* *but realizes that he’s actually still really mad and therefore takes a deep breath when Carlos reaches him and sits down on the ground opposite him* *shakes his head at his words and huffs quietly* I don’t want your pity! *thinks that in the future he’ll really do what he said, that he will just get out of the situation and won’t tell Carlos anymore that he doesn’t want him to use words like that again*

Carlos: *hears his words and nods immediately* I get that… *swallows slightly* But I meant that I’m sorry for reminding you of those idiots… I really didn’t want to do that… *can see that David is still really mad and can understand that* *thinks that he probably hasn’t taken this serious for too long* *still hopes that it’s not too late yet* *takes a deep breath* Listen, I know that nothing I say now will make up for the fact that I was a total idiot… but… I want you to know that I never saw or see you like that… really… and that I’m the reason all those memories came back really sucks… and I’m really sorry about that. *presses his lips together and is quiet for a moment* *then adds* I won’t say it again, I promise. *would really like to say or do something so that David feels better* *but really doesn’t have a good idea* *but then thinks of something* Do you want me to go get Matteo?

David: *listens to Calos and huffs quietly when he mentions remembering those idiots* *really tries to relax and calm down a little when Carlos starts his speech and slowly unclenches his fists* *realizes that calming down isn’t that easy* *huffs quietly* It’s not about the fact that you never saw me like that! It’s about the fact that you see others like that… or call them that! And I truly don’t want /anyone/ to be called something like that because I know exactly what a shitty feeling that is! *shakes his head slightly when he promises to not say it again and murmurs* You’ve said that before… *can’t really believe him because apparently it’s such a big part of him, that he can’t break the habit just like that* *then looks at him a little confused when he suggests getting Matteo and even has to laugh quietly because Carlos looks so lost* What does any of that have to do with Matteo?! *shakes his head and takes a deep breath* *notices that he really does calm down a little, but more in a resigned manner* Listen, we’ll just do what I said earlier: I won’t get on your case about it, anymore, and just take myself out of the situation if it happens again…

Carlos: *slightly grimaces at his words* *really realizes only now that he really screwed up, that now his promises are useless because he went back on his promises too often* *has to think about Kiki once telling him that from a certain point onward words no longer help but that you have to show the person that you mean it* *was just about to say that when he asks why he mentioned Matteo* *slightly shrugs his shoulders* Nothing, but… I just thought about what I could do to make you feel better… I thought that getting Matteo would be the safest option. *slightly shrugs one shoulder in apology* *then hears his last words and realizes only now how much it sucks that David really sees him like that now* *slightly shakes his head, but mostly at himself* Then I’ll make sure that you don’t have to do that… *swallows slightly* Really, David… give me that chance, ok? Sometimes it’s just that you only really realize how stupid your own behavior is when it gets personal… don’t write me off completely, ok?

David: *smiles slightly because Carlos was really trying to think about things when he asked about getting Matteo, but still shakes his head* But Matteo can’t really change anything about the situation between you and me… *skeptically looks at Carlos when he says that he will make sure that he doesn’t have to take himself out of the situation* *doesn’t really believe that he can make it* *then hears his next words asking him not to write him off completely and then looks at him silently and scrutinizingly for a long time* *really doesn’t want to get his hopes up, but knows that his heart is in the right place and that he would probably never hurt him intentionally* *eventually sighs quietly and shrugs* *murmurs a little sheepishly* Okay… *lowers his gaze for a moment but then looks back up again* *then admits* I wouldn’t have written you off completely, anyways – only when it comes to those expressions. Your idea with the swim binders was pretty cool and apart from that… your speech when we were playing Zelda… or your interest in all of that other stuff… *grins slightly* You’re actually not thaaat shitty…

Carlos: *slightly shrugs his shoulders when David says that Matteo can’t change anything about the situation* *knows that he always feels at least a little better when Kiki’s there, no matter the situation* *then sees David looking at him and manages to hold his gaze* *is relieved when he eventually hears his okay and that he at least gets the chance to do the right thing in the future* *grins slightly when David starts to list the things where he did at least something right* Thanks. I try. *then gets up and dusts off his pants* I’ll go see if I can find something to eat… *then grins slightly and tilts his head* Are you sure that you don’t want me to get Matteo? There’s no one else here right now…

David: *laughs quietly when Carlos says that he’ll go find something to eat* *somehow he’s never really hungry when he’s so agitated* *shakes his head again when Carlos asks about Matteo and also gets up* No, don’t worry about it… I’ll just go back to the tent and hopefully he’s still there… *feels a little better but he still urgently needs a hug from Matteo right now* *is standing in front of Carlos a little indecisively for a moment and then runs a hand through his hair a little sheepishly* *briefly considers apologizing for his outburst but then decides against it* *only murmurs* See you later… *then goes to find Matteo*

Carlos: *nods* Okay… *then looks at David and is a little afraid that he’ll say something else* *then nods quickly and replies* See you later… *then goes back toward the cabin*

Matteo: *had a somewhat exhausting conversation with Kiki and was really glad when Hanna showed up and saved him by asking Kiki if she wanted to go for a walk with her* *has then considered looking for Carlos and especially David in case he needed his support* *but then dropped the idea* *stayed back at the tent but turned his chair in the direction David had disappeared in* *had put his sketchbook back on his chair after Kiki left* *then really sees David coming toward him and gets up immediately* *takes a few steps toward him, sees his face and spreads his arms immediately* *could already imagine that the conversation wouldn’t be easy but can now really see for himself that David looks really exhausted*

David: *goes back toward the tent and is relieved and glad that Matteo is still sitting where he had left him* *smiles slightly when Matteo immediately gets up when he sees him, although he realizes that he could actually cry right now – on the one side because of all the agitation and stress with Carlos but on the other side also because he’s so happy that Matteo is there and that he immediately notices how he feels and that he immediately spreads his arms for him* *quickens his steps and immediately hugs Matteo once he reaches him* *buries his face in the crook of Matteo’s neck and takes a deep breath* *thinks that it feels like coming home after a long time even though he had surely been gone for only a few minutes* *sighs quietly and presses himself close to Matteo* *murmurs quietly, because he knows that Matteo will ask him anyway* Everything okay… kinda…

Matteo: *immediately wraps arms around him and just holds him* *then kisses his head and considers if he should ask* *but then figures that David will tell him how he feels if he wants to* *then smiles slightly when he does* Okay… good… do you want to tell me about it or rather not? *kisses him again and then adds* I can also try to beat him up for you… *hopes that he can cheer him up a little with that*

David: *pulls away from him slightly so that he can look at him and shrugs* *thinks about how he can somehow summarize his conversation with Carlos* *briefly closes his eyes when he feels Matteo’s kiss, but then opens them again at his words and laughs quietly* *shakes his head* I don’t know… better not… in the end you might get hit, as well… *tenderly pushes a strand of hair off his face* *he also doesn’t want Matteo to fight with Carlos because of him* *sighs quietly* He said that he was sorry… and that he didn’t want to hurt me… and that he wouldn’t say it anymore… *shrugs* No idea if he’ll manage it this time. He promised that before, after all…

Matteo: *laughs slightly* That could be expected… *slightly tilts his head when he pushes a strand of hair off his face* *nods slightly when David tells him what Carlos said* *thinks that it sounds like him that he only gets something when it gets more personal* At least… right? So wait and see… *tenderly puts his hand partly on his neck and partly on his face* And now? Do you want to go into the lake for a while or walk around for a while or… *shrugs* Whatever… I’m in, ok?

David: *nods when Matteo says that they have to wait and see* Yes, but honestly, I don’t really want to get my hopes up too much. I think that it’s just so much a part of him and he doesn’t even realize it when he says stuff like that… *sighs quietly* But I told him that I won’t tell him off again and that I’ll just take myself out of the situation if it happens again. I don’t know if I can manage to not get angry about it, so maybe it’s better this way… otherwise we might really get into a fight at one point and I don’t really want that… *slightly leans against Matteo’s hand when he puts it half on his cheek, half on his neck and smiles slightly at his question* *thinks about it for a moment and looks over to the lake* Hmm… I think I want to go into the lake again… I have to practice, after all… *grins sightly and then looks back at Matteo* *tenderly leans his forehead against Matteo’s and lightly runs his hand over his back* *doesn’t really want to pull away from him just yet and therefore searches for his lips to kiss him*

Matteo: *nods slightly and shrugs one shoulder* *actually thinks that Carlos would stop doing something once he realizes that it gets serious, but doesn’t really want to defend him too much right now* Let’s wait and see… if he really doesn’t stop, then we’ll think of something… because I don’t want you to leave every time Carlos is being an idiot. *then nods with a smile when David says that he wants to go into the lake* Good idea… *slightly presses his lips together when he feels David’s forehead against his and closes his eyes* *kisses him back and tires to prolong the kiss a little until David pulls away, after all* Hmmmm, you don’t happen to require help changing? *grins at him cheekily*

(next play)

#druck #druck og #matteo florenzi #david schreibner #davenzi #davenzi plays

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eiks1997 · 3 years

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Another old time character. Meet Ianthe Fénnù! A teifling Warlock! 💗 I designed her around the same time I drew Logan (year 2019). As you can see she's had a bit of a tough life but, as many of you authors out there know, you hurt the ones you love when it comes to character design and backstory! (Why are we so cruel? 😅) I wont reveal too much but basically she wants good old fashioned revenge, and her mysterious Fiend Deity is MORE then whiling to help with that. Even if she has no idea who he is. 😈😈 Maybe it's a little predictable to draw a tiefling with a Fiend Deity but for Ianthe it works. If anyone is interested, her name translates to Ianthe- meaning 'wild flower', or 'violet flower'. In mythology, Ianthe was a sea nymph and daughter of Oceanus. Fénnù means 'rage' and 'anger' in simplified Chinese.

Either way I do love drawing a tiefling. They are just so much fun, mischievous and different! It has been a while since I've drawn her, (like Mhauk and Logan), so I can already think of additions to her designs or maybe change it up a bit. When I have time I might redesign her. I could change up her clothes and weapon design. I like to think I've gotten a little better over the two years since I've last drawn her. 🎨

If anyone likes my art and wants to see more character designs, Ianthe included, stick around! 😋 Program used: Autodesk Sketchbook Date: 2019

Find me on Instagram: #EIKS1997 DO NOT REPOST

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kinschi · 4 years

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Hi! You are literally my favourite artist i really really love your style so much! I just started my art journey and was wondering if you would mind sharing yours? How long ago did you start? What's your advice for someone just starting out? Please and thank you!

HI! OH WOW OMG I AM SO HONORED AFJDLS THANK YOU SO MUCH THAT IS SO SWEET! ;__; I really appreciate it! ♥️🥰♥️🥰♥️

As for my art journey... oh gosh where to start. I think I’ll make a short list of my advice and then under the cut the long story for those who are interested.

Use sketchbooks / sketch a lot

Take inspiration from other artists

Use references (from the internet, real life, other artists as long as you don't steal, any other media, or take photos yourself)

Social Media

Don’t get discouraged and don’t compare yourself to others, draw because it makes you happy and because you want to share your ideas and interests

Alright art journey under the cut:

Ok I don’t think there’s a strict point where I can say my art journey began, I’ve always been drawing as a child ever since I could hold a pencil. I would draw in school and at home and often I would even meet up with my neighbour to draw together, so it’s always been a part of me. Of course I only drew animals (especially wolves lol) and dragons because drawing people was the worst for me. Yes I had a wolf phase and not an anime girl phase. Sadly I couldn’t find most of my really old stuff :/

Well as I got more involved on the internet I decided to get a drawing tablet in 2014 and also bought my first sketchbook at the end of the year. So that’s when I got serious about it I would say. It‘s also the start of me drawing people :o I think though that my digital art journey is a bit different so I’ll ignore that for now. With that sketchbook I started filling up pages and pages with original stuff and some studies to learn how to draw humans, and occasionally there was some fanart and animals. But I was still just drawing whatever.

And those pictures are all my sketchbooks I could find from 2014 - 2019 and the art is just a fraction of all the stuff I drew. As I got more into certain fandoms my art shifted mostly to fanart and some sketchbooks are dedicated to certain shows (yes I have an Undertale sketchbook don’t judge me 👀) and I would draw every minute I could whether it was at home or in class. In between I also tried to do some studies from references and develop my OCs!

That’s why I think sketchbooks are so important. It’s to develop ideas, quickly sketch some ideas you have and later want to develop more, or just for fun and self-indulgence. And at the same time, the more you draw and practice the more you improve! I have some big style differences even within one sketchbook when I tried something new. I also did quite a bit of studies (last picture) while I was trying to get into art college.

I would say ever since I started posting my art here on tumblr (which was after watching FMA and looking for a community), I was getting more and more involved in the art community and tried to improve as much as possible. I think if you have other artists that enjoy the same stuff as you is incredibly helpful. And I drew digitally as well but that’s around the time where I was really passionate about getting better at that. Looking at other peoples art and watching YouTube videos and all that stuff.

And from there on out you can basically look up all my old art I posted on here :) I of course drew the majority in my sketchbooks but you get the picture.

As for my digital art. Ever since buying the iPad with Procreate I have to admit I haven’t been sketching in my sketchbooks much ^^’ I mostly draw straight digital and do commissions etc. But you can improve there a lot as well. Especially when looking for other artists as inspiration because there is so much more you can develop like different shading, line art, colouring, lighting etc. Here's some old digital stuff which was all over the place

But I think that’s it. Of course it’s difficult to put it in a post here because it’s over the span of years, but at it’s least a glimpse of my art journey. So again, my advice would be to just draw a lot, find things you like to draw and maybe find communities like here where there are other people you can look up to for advice and inspiration :) And I know it’s hard not to compare yourself to others, and I still struggle with it. BUT DRAW BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO!! Don’t let others get you down.

#ask #anon #art journey #ahh #I'm exposing myself #made a cut for those who are interested #it me

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let-me-make-you-proud · 5 years

Text

Tangled: The Series Q&A with Kait.

This is a recapitulation from today’s (September 14, 2019) Questions and Answers session with Kait on the Tangled Discord Server.

Q: Which Disney princesses outside of Tangled the series can you see Varian being friends with? Nonfranchise ones included.

A: I think Belle is the first one who comes to mind!! She’s super studious and goes against the grain…not to mention her father is an inventor who’s a little off-base! 🙂 I think he’d be super comfortable experimenting with Belle and her dad and reading awesome stories! (Maybe even sharing the Tales of Flynn Rider with her! …Assuming she hasn’t read it! Haha. ) He could also eat ham sandwiches with Anna. Sorry. Second thought. Lol!!

Q: So Kait, as a storyboard artist on the show what kind of little details, quirks or creative touches did you or any other artists put into Varian scenes you or others storyboarded?

A: Ha!! Any acting scene with Varian I had…I pretty much based off of Anna Lencioni (my best friend/ another board artist on the show.) Anna makes these very specific expressions and she gestures to herself a lot and closes her eyes and creases her brows and says things like “A-huh! Actually…” or “Um!!” Before making a point and it’s always reminded me of him.

She kept a “flynnolium” prop from Halloween with green goo in a vial in her cubicle at work so long it grew mold. She said she was studying it. She found scrap metal in her boot one day. She has a basement lab for her experiments and crafts. She befriended two raccoons at her last apartment. She is the most accident-prone person with freckles I’ve ever met…she’s pretty much him.

Jeremy Jordan’s reads give you so much to work with…and I love that character so much I feel a natural sort of understanding of how he might say something or do something…but Anna would always do these specifically Anna things that I had to use for Varian.

Q: Do you have any specific advice for aspiring storyboard artists or people who aspire to work in animation?

A: Gestural drawings help you learn to draw fast…which is a very important part of storyboarding. I would say storyboarding‘ s biggest requirements are clarity and speed. Lots of productions have different requirements in terms of what they look for from story artists. Tangled‘s leadership cared a lot about drawing skill, animation, layout, etc. because it more strongly informed the animation studio to have those things. The show I’m working on now (Monsters at Work) is a 3D show…so for our production, the emphasis is more on story and speed. We pitch ideas more than we pitch drawings…so clarity is important and acting is too, but we’re far less precious about tying down drawings and animating since we shift into the 3D production pipeline after story. The boards are still very important…but the more technical aspects are a *little* less so. The focus is just more on story and character and what the board artists can bring to their scenes.

So I’d say just practice drawing…maybe try and give someone a prompt or ask a friend for one. Choose a theme! Maybe vampires? What’s the worst thing that could happen to a vampire? What’s the best thing? What’s the funniest thing? What if they were also an alien? Or fused with a werewolf? Or chained to one? What would happen? Giving yourself a starting point for an idea will inspire you to explore all the possibilities for humor, drama, etc. in that idea. If you’re struggling to give yourself a prompt, try looking online…or maybe choosing a song you like or a passage from a book for inspiration.

There’s also this really fun thing you can do to study cinematography and shot composition called a “three tone” exercise. Basically…put on your favorite (live action) film, grab a sketchbook, grab a black and grey marker, and use the white of the page for your third tone. What you wanna do is (as you’re watching or while pausing) sketch a small thumbnail using only three grey tones of what you see on the screen. Draw the shot- where the characters are, try and duplicate the lighting…it teaches you a lot! 🙂 (Phew!)

Q: Do you have any fun non-spoiler head canons about Varian?

A: I think his favorite dessert is apple pie and I think he bakes recreationally very often! He’s probably a good cook. (Though he may have one or two minor accidents……a burnt thing here and there. Minor oil splatters….haha!!)

Q: What’ve been your favorite episodes, both to storyboard and in general? Of course, no specifics if it’s S3

A: Haha! Well…What The Hair and Queen for A Day have special places in my heart because they were such big moments for my favorite character…(Varian, haha.) But I’d say the episodes I had the most fun boarding are all in season 3!!! Which is exciting! I have to start compiling some work to post! 🙂 I think the episode I had the most fun with is one you guys will really enjoy.

Q: Will we get some interesting surprises (In Season 3)?

A: Without any spoilers- absolutely!! The show is always full of those.

Q: So We’ve heard many fans express why they love Varian as a charcter before, I’d love to know what drew you and Anna to Varian as well and why you guys personally found him to be a great character.

A: When Shane Prigmore originally pitched the character to me, he was much younger. He was like 11 or so, I think? Maybe 12? He’s still pretty young…but what Shane said was that he wanted him to go from this wide-eyed kid to this dark, angry person whose bangs fell over those wide, bright eyes…just full of rage. That idea was super interesting to me…it just hit on something in character development that I felt like I’d never exactly seen before? He was so young and it was such an interesting idea to me to make a child the villain and to give that child a strong reason to be angry? It felt like it was taking this child very seriously, which I appreciate. It felt very real and very dark.

The thing that threw me through a loop but also evolved my fascination with the character was Jeremy Jordan’s casting. I listened to a lot of the auditions they had for various actors and I had seen a ton of Shane’s concept art of the character…a lot of them were VERY different than what we have now. One version Ricky Roxburgh (writer) contributed to had Varian cast as an adult in the story. But when I heard Jeremy I felt like I totally understood who Varian really was.

He was a well-intentioned disaster with unchecked emotions. That. Is me! Haha!! I see myself in his imperfections, his emotionality in spite of his creative and often intellectual thinking. He wants to ascend to these levels he may not be ready to ascend to…he feels this need to prove himself and seek validation. I don’t know, I guess I relate to that! And I’m just a sucker for good guys gone bad. The other half of this, of course, is that he’s very charming and cute and super reminds me of my best friend, Anna Lencioni.

Q: Which character do you most like seeing interacting with Varian?

A: It’s a little spoilery for me to reveal that……..but I think you guys are gonna know when it happens! Haha!

I can’t wait to post THOSE boards

That’s actually right out of the episode I think I liked boarding the most, haha.

Q: If there was one prop (furniture, object, the like) from the Tangled series that could be made real and you could keep, what would it be..?

A: I think it’d have to be those little alchemy orbs that Varian throws? They just suddenly clean the whole castle hallway somehow and like…could use me some of that. He also has the one that removes stains from tablecloths, so. I’m sloppy. That’d be a big help. Haha!

Also his staff is pretty cool 😉, I boarded/created that staff…David Lee (prop designer) did its final design…haha

Q: I have a question about a scene in season 1. When Varian got back the first part of the scroll he mentioned that it took him a while to translate it. Has he really been able to read it or has it been a bluff?

A: Varian can indeed translate what’s on the scroll. 😉

Q: Do you have any networking advice for those trying to get into the animation industry?

A: Post your work!! Make it easily accessible, tag it well, just show what you’ve got online! Upload boards, animatics, drawings, etc. Creating an online presence can really help put your name out there. Apply for internships, jobs. I know it’s hard to network because a lot of industry professionals don’t have time to answer specific questions or give portfolio reviews…so it’s sort of important to take some initiative on that and be self-motivated.

For me, I studied the portfolios of Disney feature story artists, CalArts students, etc. and tried to structure the presentation of my work based on that. Also, it helped me get a sense of what pieces of work would best showcase where I was trying to go and what I was trying to do. I’d ask yourself those questions as you develop a portfolio and artistic voice online! 🙂

My first feature job after a trainee program in New York at Blue Sky happened because Doug Sweetland (Pixar animator, feature director, awesome dude) found my work online and liked it. He just reached out based on that!

Shane Prigmore actually reached out to me for Tangled similarly.

Q: Besides Varian, do you have a favorite character that you’ve boarded?

A: I always love Eugene. He’s the second character I think I’m most like. His acting was really fun to play with and I felt like I could push his expressions a lot because he’s so funny. I loved boarding Lance too (I boarded a lot of Lance in S3!!) but MAN was he hard to draw, haha! His face shape is just really hard to draw at certain angles.

Q: With Varian cosplay that is going on, what Disney character would you like to see Varian dress up as next?

A: Jack Skellington! Halloween is afoot. Jack is another well-intentioned disaster. Guess I have a type!

Q: What’s Varian’s opinion on raccoons, are they his favourite animal?

A: I imagine it’s because Ruddiger is always finding interesting things in the trash and giving them to Varian to use in his experiments. Also, they’re fat and cute.

Q: There’s a bit of an argument going on over how many freckles Varian has. Can you confirm how many he has?

A: Ha!!! Yes…one second… 14!!

Q: How big do you think Corona is? Like Vatican City small or Arendelle big?

A: You know, with the wall and all, it actually feels a little on the smaller side to me? I’m sure there’s a little bit of discrepancy between the movie’s version of Corona and our version…but based on where we went within Corona on the show, I’d say it feels on the smaller side.

Q: Are there any non-spoiler Varian scenes or moments that didn’t make the cut that you can share?

A: MAN. Yes. There is one scene that changed after I rolled off the episode and I’m very sad about it. I’ll post it after the episode airs! There was also a line of Varian’s that I boarded to a specific read from Jeremy Jordan and that read was not chosen in editorial later so…I’ll post that one too, haha!

Q: What is your favourite song from the first two seasons so far?

A: All my favorite songs are in season threeeeee…hahahaha!! I think Let Me Make You Proud or the Buddy Song are my favorites. Buddy Song still gets stuck in my head now and then.

Q: What do you think Varian would order at a drive-thru? Specifically at chipotle 😂

A: Chipotle isn’t a drive thru!! Hahaha He’d get the kid’s quesadilla from chipotle. I think Varian is a fries/chips kind of person…something to snack on while he works! He probably also likes milkshakes.

Q: (Continuation from the question above) Chocolate or vanilla?

A: He’d revolutionize by combining them both. FOR SCIENCE!

Q: What is, in your opinion, the most challenging part of varian’s design to draw?

A: His goggles, hahaha. Or just his…hair in general.

Well it’s funny too because when you board these guys, you get used to doing a shorthand for them and then when you go to draw them FOR REAL you realize how complicated that actually is and how wrong your shorthand actually was? Hahahaha

Q: is Varian ticklish at all?

A: I feel like Varian, Eugene, and Lance are all equally ticklish. To the point of absurdity. Cass would fight it as long as she could…but when it finally got to her, she’d laugh uncontrollably. Rapunzel, she’s the TICKLER.

Q: What do you think Varian opinion and belief on magic is now that he’s seen it with his own eyes?

A: I imagine that he certainly believes in it now and no longer underestimates its powers…but I imagine he’s ultimately more comfortable staying in his own lane and working with worldly properties!

Q: If Varian would have been able to meet Demanitus…how would their conversation had looked like?

A: I feel like Varian would have had a TON of questions about his legendary device and whether or not he truly traveled dimensions.

Q: Did Varian have any other friends in old Corona before he met rapunzel?

A: Probably not many…he’s a bit of a hermit. I think Ruddiger is his best friend……. It’s sad but I also think that’s kind of why it hurt so bad when Rapunzel wasn’t able to help him. Also why he was SO excited to have Rapunzel, Cass, and Eugene come visit.

I think the village looked at Varian as a little unstable or worrisome. I’m sure everyone knew he was very nice…but they were likely very unnerved by his inventions.

Q: Do you think Varian ever tried to synthesise gold or the elixir of life like a real alchemist?

A: I’ve wondered that myself!! I think his alchemy has proven to be more about other people…helping others, making people proud. Maybe if someone he cared about was in need.

Q: If you were to meet Varian in real life, what would you say to him?

A: What elixir did you make to get THAT kind of volume? His hair’s so POOFY! Honestly, I’d probably just give him a hug.

Q: How much does Varian know or remember about his mom?

A: I’d say about as much as the photo of her on the wall.

Q: Is there spoiler about his hair streak? Or is it just by design?

A: It’s totally by design. I think it’s safe to assume it’s probably the result of some lab accident!

Q: In what ways is Jeremy Jordan like Varian?

A: I don’t know Jeremy Jordan personally, haha! But I think a lot of these inflections he adds to Varian sort of off the cuff probably come very naturally to him. I know he often wants to do his own pass at the musical arrangement Alan Menken writes…like he’ll want to do something a little different, in his own way, and it will change the song completely!! In an awesome way. That’s a little Varian-esque. In the “Let Me Make You Proud” reprise…Alan Menken had sung that “they are going to pay…they…will…pay” all in a low, downward tone. Jeremy wanted to scream it and make it powerful and angry and loud when he said “PAY” and you could just hear the spite in his voice for the “they will pay.” Genius!

Q: What was the most shocking moment/revelation of the series to you (minus anything season 3)?

A: It’s hard to say because I knew most of what was going to happen long, long ago. I think one of the things that made me go “oh dang!” was something Tom Canfield boarded. It’s that part in Destinies Collide where Lance slices the entire statue down the middle with a sword. What a BAMF!

Q: What were your thoughts on the early concept of Varian having an apple orchard and being a farm kid instead of a young alchemist?

A: He still kinda has those things! Quirin is a farmer as well as the village leader and there are apples on their little farm estate! 🙂 I think that makes Varian very unassuming as a mad little scientist. I’m sure that’s how (Ruddiger and Varian) met! Remember, he used his purple tacky goo stuff to catch raccoons so they wouldn’t eat the crops! And Ruddiger’s favorite snack is apples. 😉

Q: What is his official height and weight?

A: Smol.

Q: How did you guys come up with Varian’s name? And was there any other name suggestions for him before the name ‘Varian’ was chosen?

A: I’m not sure who came up with that name, actually! I’m sure it has something to do with the meaning of the word “variant” which means something that varies, changes in form.

Q: What’s his last name?

A: His last name!! I have NO idea and it bothers me!!! A Disney magazine referred to Varian, Ruddiger, and Quirin as “The Ruddiger Family” and I still haven’t stopped laughing about that.

Q: What sad Disney movie moments would make him cry?

A: Oof. Lion King.

Q: What musicals do think Varian would enjoy?

A: Little Shop of Horrors! I think he’d see himself in Seymour! Or Wicked…you know, that villain arc.

Q: How did Arianna and Fred meet?

A: I actually don’t know off the top of my head!

Q: Would Varian enjoy rollercoasters?

A: I think he’d enjoy how they’re MADE and then scream his head off while riding one, throw up his cotton candy and corndog, and go play carnival games instead. Then get mad that they’re rigged.

Q: So what comes next for you now that the series is almost over? Any big plans?

A: Well the series wrapped for production a while ago! I’ve been on another show for almost a year now! 🙂 I’m working on the new Disney+ show Monsters at Work as a director! It’s an awesome, awesome show…totally next-level…I’m shocked that I’m getting to be apart of something like this. It’s a direct sequel to the movie that serves as an office comedy (a la The Office, Parks and Rec) and has so many characters that fit immediately into the Monsters Inc world. Monsters Inc is my favorite Pixar movie…so I literally come to work and leave work on the same high! It’s an awesome, awesome show with a great crew! 🙂 It’s also just really exciting to be apart of the first original animated property for D+!

Q: How would you compare working as a director to working as a storyboard artist?

A: It’s hard work, just as hard, but in a different way! For me personally, I’m a little easily fatigued by drawing? I get a little creatively frustrated because my thoughts move quicker than my hand. Or because I don’t always feel like I can execute in a drawing what I’m thinking in the way that I want? Part of that is just being an artist…and it’s not ALL the time that I feel that way…but I think I have a certain stamina for drawing that I found challenging to increase.

Directing is just different! It has a lot more to do with managing a team, communication, coordinating, listening, speaking up, problem-solving, being very aware of story as it applies to ALL parts of a production. I don’t draw as often anymore. You have to consider a lot more…more people, more constraints, more difficulties, more opinions, more solutions…it’s just MORE. And you also still have to draw! 🙂 It’s very busy work, but it’s AMAZING and I love it. I feel like I’m contributing to animated storytelling a lot more in this role, actually. I love working with people, I love workshopping, and I love helping! I’m also just spoiled to be working with some great people right now. It’s a blast.

Q: Are any Tangled: The Series crew joining you on that show?

A: Yes!! Tom Caufield and Wendy Sullivan were on it for a minute, but they’ve both moved on to Dreamworks recently! James Suhr (board artist), Isabelle Gedigk (season 3 board artist), Naomi Hicks and Casey Coffey (revisionists), David Lee (props), Ricky Roxburgh (writer), and I are all working together again! It’s awesome.

Q: Does Varian, deep down, blame himself for the amber?

A: I believe he does.

Q: How do you deal with artist’s block?

A: I try to think about the intention behind what I’m doing. Why is the scene I’m working on very important to the story? If it feels unimportant or boring, how can I make it interesting? What can I do on my end to make it more inspiring or fun without going too far off the rails and still serving the scene’s purpose?

If it’s not work-related, I try and start with some fan art or something familiar for me to draw. I have a lot of scribbly Varians in the margins of a lot of my sketch documents. I use him as a warm-up a lot. It helps build my confidence to draw something familiar/ that I think I can draw pretty well.

Q: What’s the hardest scene you’ve ever had to board?

A: Oh God. ANYTHING with action. I’m not an action gal. Lots of stuff in S3. I was board partners with Wendy Sullivan and ended up getting a lot of action to board even though she’s WAY better at it than me!! It was an interesting challenge…but it was very, very challenging. Ben (Co-EP) was a great mentor to me in the scene I did for the mid season. He was very patient with me, despite my shortcomings as an action board artist, haha. I enjoy boarding for comedy much more.

Kait: Anyways, I should probably head off now! Thank you guys so much for all the questions!!!! You’re awesome! I hope you’re all super excited for S3! It’s a great one.

#tangled #tangled the series #rapunzel's tangled adventure #varian #Q&A #Tangled crew #Question & Answers #Kait #ruddiger #Rapunzel #Eugene #Lance #Cassandra

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lofitowns · 5 years

Text

a miracle and a tragedy - e. kaspbrak

❝ HE HAD THOSE KIND EYES THAT SAID ‘EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY’ ❞

in which you love him and he loves you. but that can’t save him. (fem! reader)

fandom ; it (2017) / (2019)

word count ; 4411 (it’s a long one boys)

warnings ; cussing + character death :(

(y/n) - your name :: (y/n/n) - your nickname

i haven’t written in forever! so here’s a little come back. if you see any mistakes, please tell me! i didn’t really reread this after i wrote it lol

you love him, you do.

You were 15 years old when you realized you were in love.

1991

You were sitting on your bed, paper and pens and pencils spread all over. You were seriously stressed out. Your freshman year was coming to a close and finals were starting next week and you had no idea what you were doing.

It was a Saturday, you should be hanging out with the losers but your dad had told you if you didn’t get good grades on these finals, you wouldn’t be able to hang out with them at all over the summer.

You checked your bedroom clock, it was only 2pm. Your dad wanted you to study until at least 4pm. This was exhausting.

There was a sudden tapping on your window making you turn your attention to that. There was Eddie Kaspbrak. Thank god your room was on the first floor. He definitely wouldn’t have been able to get up if it was on the second.

You raised an eyebrow at him as he waved through the window. You laughed at his big grin as you made your way over to open it.

“Hey! Can I come in?” He asked, looking up at you.

“Eds, you know my dad wants me to study.”

“Yeah, well, I can be your study buddy! We have some of the same classes, I can help.”

You debated it for a few seconds before finally taking the screen off and letting him in.

He climbed inside, almost falling to the floor, but you caught him.

“You’ve gotta be quiet though, my parents are just down the hall.”

You studied in mostly silence for a while, every so often you would look up to ask him a question and he would already be looking at you. This made you blush.

“God, Eddie. I’m so stressed out about this. What if I fail all of them and then I can’t see you guys over the summer?”

“Okay, first off, you’re literally the smartest person in our friend group. You’re definitely going to pass. Secondly, even if you do fail, I’m going to come visit you every single day. And I’ll bring all your favorite stuff and movies and I’ll hide when your parents come to check on you. How about that?”

A smile tugged at the corners of your lips as the boy spoke. You felt like you might cry. No one had ever said anything like that to you before.

“Yeah, that sounds great.”

That’s when you knew you were in too deep with this boy.

and here’s the miracle: he loves you too.

He was 13 years old when he realized he was in love.

1989

“I can’t go home like this guys. My mom will kill me.” The small boy, Eddie Kaspbrak, said with a face covered in grime.

“Dude, you’ve been gone for 24 straight hours. Your face is definitely on a milk carton by now,” Richie joked making Eddie’s face fall in terror, “Also, that puke smells worse than your mom’s slippers.”

“Oh, shut up, Richie,” You interjected, Eddie noticed you were gripping the handlebars of your bike to the point your knuckles were white.

“Okay, first of all, my mom’s slippers smell like potpourri, asshole,” Eddie retorted as everyone started to wheel their bikes down the main street of Derry.

You all started joking, just like normal. Like you hadn’t just crawled out of the sewer after fighting a child-eating clown.

Everyone started going their separate ways, going to their respective houses, until Eddie was left alone with you. Your house was just around the corner from his so it wasn’t unusual for you to walk home together. But, Eddie felt different this time. He wanted to make sure you got home safe and you were okay.

Your words interrupted his thoughts, “Do you want to come to my house? To clean up so your mom doesn’t freak out even more,” You offered, keeping your eyes on the bike wheel you were guiding next to you.

Eddie’s mouth opened and closed a few times before he finally answered, “Yeah, sure.”

When you arrived at your house, you checked to see if your parent’s car was in the garage before dropping your bikes in the front lawn. Eddie watched you move the small cat statue on the first step of your house to grab your spare key. You unlocked the door and led him up to your bathroom, grabbing a towel from the hall closet on your way.

Eddie sat on the seat of the toilet, following you across the room with his eyes as you turned on the tab, trying to get the temperature right, before wetting the towel and putting soap on it.

You made your way back over to him, kneeling down. When you started scrubbing his face, his breath hitched in his throat. He kept his eyes on you as you continued your work, focused. You also reached up and tried to get some of the puke out of his hair.

“Sorry, I don’t think I can do anything about the smell. Or your clothes. You’ll have to go home for that,” You told him, turning around to get some of the grime off the towel. You also grabbed a few bandaids and another washcloth with soap and water to clean his smaller cuts. Good thing he didn’t have any major wounds, not like Stanley.

Eddie’s heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. Not because of an asthma attack, not because he had just fought a killer clown, because the girl he liked was sitting so close to him. If he just leaned in...

The brunette boy cleared his throat, averting his eyes away from you.

When you announced you were done, Eddie quickly asked if you wanted him to help clean yourself up. He wanted to stay here with you longer. He knew his mother wouldn’t let him out of the house until school started, even if he just said he was at Bill’s and fell into a puddle or something.

“It’s fine, Eds. Go make sure your mom knows you’re alive so she doesn’t actually put your face on a milk carton,” You joked, sending him a weak smile.

Eddie let out a small chuckle, his eyes trained on you. You let out a small awkward laugh, reaching up to rub the side of your neck. He saw you open your mouth to say something, but he just moved forward and took you in his arms.

“Hey, you’ll get dirty again,” You pointed out playfully, but none the less, hugged him back.

Eddie could have stayed there forever. He didn’t even care that you both smelled like sewer or that his mom was probably freaking out. He didn’t know what he would do if something had happened to you.

He slowly pulled away, looking at your face. You were looking at him too.

“I’ll see you later, yeah?” You asked, smiling softly at him.

“Yeah, of course.”

Eddie walked past you, walking back out your front door. Once it was closed, he let out a deep breath he didn’t know he was holding. God, he was in love with you.

you are allowed to have him.

1992

It was Christmas break. There were still three days until Christmas but Bev was leaving to see family in Portland tomorrow and you all wanted to give each other presents.

You were squished between Richie and Eddie on the plush couch in your living room, watching A Christmas Story. Ben, Bev, and Bill sat on the floor in front of you, if you looked close enough, you could see her pinkie finger resting on Ben’s hand. Stanley was sitting on the chair next to the lit fireplace but was still curled up under a blanket. Mike sat in the chair on the other side of the couch, resting his head on his hand.

You shivered, causing Eddie to switch his attention to you.

“Are you cold?” He whispered as to not disturb the others.

You nodded and in response. He turned around and pulled the blanket off the back of the couch. He leaned over and spread it over the two of you. You sent him a grateful smile, your heart starting to flutter as he hesitantly laid his hand on yours under the blanket.

You had had a crush on the boy since you started middle school. He had always been there for you, especially after everything had happened with Pennywise. His laugh was like music to your ears and you always wanted to keep a smile on his face.

Your eyes kept switching from the TV screen back to Eddie, from the TV to Eddie. Your eyes finally decided to stay on the boy next to you. You felt like you hadn’t taken a good look at him in a while. His hair had started to curl more and it lightened a bit. He had grown too, you remember being at least four inches taller than him, but all of a sudden he shot up. He had stopped carrying around that dorky fanny pack when you started high school.

He turned his eyes to you, meeting your gaze. He moved ever so slightly to be closer to you, fulling wrapping his fingers around your hand.

The movie ended soon after and it was time for gifts. All of you moved to sit on the floor in a circle. You had done Secret Santa this year so you all didn’t have to buy seven different presents.

“Okay, I’ll start. I got Bill,” You announced, leaning over to him to hand him a rectangular parcel. He took it and quickly ripped the wrapping paper off. Inside was a blank sketchbook and a packet of colored pencils.

“T-Thanks, (y/n),” He sent you a warm smile, “I had M-Mike.”

Mike had Ben, Ben had Stan, Stan had Bev, Bev had Richie, and Richie had Eddie.

“And that means, Eddie had (y/n)!” Richie teased, nudging Eddie in the side with his elbow.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m gonna give it to her later,” Eddie retorted, a flush coming to his cheeks.

A shit-eating grin grew on Richie’s face, “Oh I bet you are Eds.”

Eddie groaned, putting his face in his hands while the rest of the losers club laughed at him.

“Beep beep, Richie. And I told you not to call me that.”

“But (y/n) can call you that? Suspicious.”

It took a few more hours for the losers to start to leave. Richie tried to stay until Eddie gave you your present, but Bev made him leave, already knowing what you were getting. Eddie had asked her what he should get you since the two of you were so close.

“Alright, what’s this thing you couldn’t give me in front of the losers?” You asked, pulling him down to sit on the couch facing each other.

Eddie chewed his lip nervously, holding the wrapped rectangle in his hands.

“Okay, please don’t laugh.”

“Of course I’m not going to laugh, Eds.”

He took a deep breath, pushing it across the couch cushion to you. You took it in your hands, taking the wrapping off of it.

It was a small brown book.

You furrowed your eyebrows, looking up at him. Eddie made a gesture to open it, so you did. It took your breath away.

Inside were pages filled with pictures, notes, movie tickets from different times in your life with the losers. You let out a breathy laugh, smiling brightly as you flipped through it.

“Oh my god, Eddie. This... This is beautiful,” You told him, setting the book aside and reaching over to take him in your arms. He wrapped his arms around you in return, resting his head on your shoulder.

“Well, I’m glad you like it,” His words were muffled by your shirt, “You... You didn’t look at the last page though.”

You pulled away, reaching over to open the book again. You flipped all the way to the back, seeing a picture of Eddie and yourself that was obviously taken by one of the other losers. You were sitting together on someone's couch, your head was on his shoulder and he had his eyes trained on you, a genuine smile on his face.

Your eyes moved to a small patch of writing under the picture.

Do you like me back?

yes no

You let out a small giggle, reaching to the table next to the couch to grab a pen. You circled yes, closed the book, and pushed it back over to him.

The tips of Eddie’s ears turned red as he opened to the back of the book. A smile pulled at his lips, passing it back to you.

“Okay, well... Would you want to... Like, be my girlfriend?”

You let out another giggle, leaning over to him and pressing a short kiss to his cheek.

“Of course, Eds.”

Two and a half years later, you were all packed up for college and leaving in the morning. You had spent the whole night before with your friends, knowing it was going to be the last time you saw them for a while.

You walked back into your room from washing your face, looking around your near-empty room. You jumped at a sudden knock on your window.

Your eyebrows furrowed as you turned around. A laugh fell from your lips, rushing over to the window to open it. Eddie’s grinning face there to greet you.

“For old times sake, right?”

Eddie climbed through the window and followed you to your bed. You both laid on top of the blankets, Eddie wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling you to him.

Neither of you spoke for a while, just wanting to cherish each other’s presence for the last time.

“I’m gonna miss you,” You spoke up, breaking the silence.

“I’m going to miss you so much more,” He answered, pressing a kiss to your forehead, “And after we graduate college, we’ll go away somewhere. New York, California, I’d go anywhere with you.”

You giggled, leaning up and pressing a kiss to his lips, “I’d like that.”

You stayed like that until the sun started to rise.

“Shit,” The boy whispered, rubbing his eyes and sitting up, “I really need to get home.”

You nodded, getting up with him, “Eddie,” You called softly as he walked to the window.

He turned around as you walked towards him and planted your lips onto his.

Your hands cupped his cheeks, his right hand going to your hip and his left going to your cheek as well. The kiss didn’t last long enough for your liking when he pulled away.

“I love you,” He whispered.

“I love you.”

As he crawled out the window, you didn’t realize it would be the last time you saw him for 22 years.

and here’s the tragedy: it’s not enough.

2016

The lights of Jade of the Orient shined down on you as you worked up the courage to walk in.

It still baffled you how you could forget your whole childhood. Where you came from, your friends, your experiences. Eddie.

When you did push the door open, a young lady greeted you and brought you to a room towards the back. When walked in, there were already two men standing there.

“(y/n)?” One of them asked, stepping towards you. Bill.

“I’m so glad you made it,” The other greeted, taking you into his arms. Mike.

You let out a laugh, hugging him back. “Yeah, of course I came.” You broke away from him and pulled Bill into a hug as well.

Mike opened his mouth to speak when you all heard a voice behind you. You all turned around.

“I am allergic to soy, anything that has egg in it, uh gluten, and if I eat a cashew I could realistically die,” The man told the waitress, making his way into the room.

He paused when he saw the three of you.

“Holy shit.”

“Good to see you too, Eds,” You greeted, quickly walking to him and taking him in your arms. He immediately pulled you closer. It felt warm and safe and like home.

“(y/n/n)?” He whispered in your hair.

You pulled away from him, giving him a warm smile.

Bill and Mike moved towards the two of you to give Eddie a hug as well. You made small talk while you waited for the others.

When they did get there, everything felt right. Richie hit the gong and announced the beginning of the meeting of the Losers Club.

“Look at these guys!” Eddie exclaimed, pointing at Beverly, Ben, and Richie.

Then you got drunk.

“So, wait, Eddie, you got married?” Richie asked, his shot glass falling out of his mouth. You were sitting in between him and Eddie

“Yeah, why’s that so fucking funny, dickwad?”

“What, to like a woman?”

“Fuck you, bro.”

“Fuck you!”

You let out a laugh, nudging Richie in the side with your elbow.

“And what about you, Trashmouth, you married?” Bill asked, leaning forwards.

“There’s no way Richie’s married!” You joked, holding your glass up to your lips.

“No, I got married,” He answered, looking serious.

“Richie, I don’t believe it,” Beverly retorted, eating a piece of chicken.

“When?” Eddie exclaimed, eyebrows raised.

“You didn’t hear about this?”

“No.”

“You didn’t know I got married? Yeah, no, me and your mom are very, very happy.”

Everyone around the table lost it, Bill choking on his drink and Beverly letting out a loud laugh and covering her mouth. You threw your head back in laughter, glancing over at Eddie who’s eyebrows were furrowed.

“Fuck you,” He pointed at Richie, taking a sip from the small bowl he was holding.

Richie wrapped an arm around your shoulders and leaned into your ear, starting to do a Jabba the Hutt impression.

You laughed and pushed him off, “Oh, leave him alone, Richie.”

While everyone was joking and laughing, Eddie turned to you.

“So, did you ever get married?” He asked, taking a sip of his drink.

You shook your head, “No, I just... Never met the right person, I guess,” You shrugged your shoulders.

Eddie nodded slowly, “Right. What do you do?”

“I actually work as a psychologist. I like being able to help people.”

“You were always the best listener,” He told you, making you giggle.

“So, you two are still in love,” Richie cut in, looking at the two of you.

Both of your faces flushed before you spoke, “Beep beep Richie.”

That night, you sat on your bed, blankly staring at the TV screen, it wasn’t even on. You kept seeing flashes of your younger self in your mind. A lot of them with a younger version of Eddie.

You jumped at the sudden knock on your door. Your eyes turned to the clock on the nightstand, 11:53pm.

You hesitantly walked over to it, cracking it open. There stood Eddie, looking at the floor. You opened the door fully.

He looked up at you, opening his mouth to say something but nothing came out.

“You wanna come in?”

He simply nodded, following you inside and closing the door behind him.

You both sat on the end of the bed where you had been moments before.

“Do you... Do you remember?” He finally broke the silence.

You nodded, getting the hint at what he was saying, and he set a hand on top of yours.

“I still love you. I know I didn’t even remember you until a couple days ago but I don’t want to go anywhere without you again,” Eddie confessed, turning to face you fully.

“Eds, you’re married.”

“Fuck her. I don’t love her, not like I love you. She’s basically my mother and I would leave her in a heartbeat for you.”

A smile tugged at your lips as you leaned into him, pressing a soft kiss to his lips, “ Okay.”

Eddie grinned, moving his hands to cup your cheeks, pulling you into another kiss.

you are allowed to count the constellations in his eyes as they blink out,

The house on Neibolt looked the same as you walked inside. The sewers felt the same too.

You emerged from a cave after escaping your fear. You were shaken but you knew your work was not done.

“Hey, fuckface!” You heard Richie yell from across the room. Pennywise dropped Mike who he was holding and turned to your trash mouth friend.

“Wanna play truth or dare? Here’s a truth, you’re a sloppy bitch! Yeah, that’s right! Let’s dance, yippee ki-yay mother-” He was cut off when Pennywise opened his mouth, showing him the deadlights.

A sound of distress fell from your lips as you saw one of your best friends rising into the air. You scrambled to get down from where you were standing when you saw Eddie run out of the cave behind Richie.

“Beep beep, mother fucker!” He yelled, throwing the spike he had been given at the clown.

It went straight in his mouth. You couldn’t look away as Pennywise stumbled back, landing on another spike that went through his back. You let out a shaky breath, turning your gaze back to Richie and Eddie.

“Holy shit! Rich!” Eddie exclaimed, turning back to the man on the floor. “Hey, Richie! Listen, I think I got him, man! I think I killed it! I did! I think I killed-” He was cut off. A scream passed your lips and everything felt like it was going in slow motion.

Pennywise stabbed Eddie through his back with one of his claws. He pulled him off of Richie and dangled him in the air, making taunting noises. A sob left your lips as tears started to fill your eyes.

With blurry vision, you watched the clown throw him into a cave and you had never run faster anywhere in your life. You slid down into the cave, your hands shaking as you helped Mike and Ben flip him onto his back.

Blood was pooling from his mouth and there was a gaping hole through his chest. You knelt in front of him, Richie shrugging off his jacket and handing it to you. You pressed it against his wound.

Pennywise clawed at the entrance, shouting at the seven of you.

“We have to get him out of here,” You pleaded, brushing some of his hair from his face.

“How are we supposed to do that, (y/n)?” Beverly asked, tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

“I almost killed it,” Eddie said weakly, “The leper. My hands were at its throat. And I... Could feel him choking. I made him small. He seemed so weak.”

Mike and Beverly started making a plan when Ben came back and told you all there was a tunnel. The next minutes were a blur as you helped carry Eddie to a sheltered area while the other losers went to distract Pennywise.

“Oh my god, Eds,” You whispered, pulling the jacket back to look at his wound.

“It’s alright, I guess you’ll just have to clean me up again,” He spoke, referencing the time you did when you were younger and when Henry Bowers stabbed him in the face earlier that day.

You let out a watery laugh, leaning in and pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“You gotta stay with me, we’re gonna get you out of here, okay? And we’ll go away like we said we would. I’d go anywhere with you.”

Eddie tried to smile, his lips completely covered in blood.

“I’d... I’d like that...” His voice trailed off and you let out a loud sob.

No, no no no no. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. You had just gotten him back and he was going to be gone again.

“Eddie?” Your voice broke. He stilled but you could still hear shallow breaths. You needed to help your friends.

Your pain mixed with your anger as you looked over to where the losers had cornered Pennywise. You shot up, running over to them and ripping off the spiked arm the clown was trying to use to stab your friends.

The six of you circled around the monster that had tormented you, calling him a clown. Making him small.

Pennywise’s breaths were labored but he still brought out one more jump scare as Mike got closer to him. Your friend reached into the clown’s chest, pulling out his heart as he screamed.

Beverly grabbed onto the heart first and the rest of you followed.

“Look at you, you’re all grown up.”

You all squeezed, watching him shrivel up and everything started floating up.

It was finally dead.

You let out a breath as Beverly leaned onto your shoulder.

“Eddie,” You broke the silence, turning around and returning to his body.

The rest of the losers followed you as you knelt in front of him, taking his face in your hand.

“Eddie, hey Eds. We got it,” You whispered and when he didn’t respond, your heart shattered.

You heard Beverly let out a sob behind you, “(y/n)...”

“He’s gone,” Bill spoke.

“He’s alright, he’s just hurt. We gotta get him out of here,” You argued, turning to look at your crying friends.

“(y/n), honey... He’s dead.”

You turned to look at Bev, you knew. Of course, you knew. You didn’t want it to be true.

“We have to go, come on.”

You took the man you loved in your arms while Bill and Richie tried to get you to stand up. You cradled his head in your hands, crying in protest as they started to drag you away from his body.

The six of you rushed out of the sewers, out of Neibolt house, as it was collapsing around you. You almost tripped from rushing down the stairs, Richie’s hand still on your arm to keep you going.

As you watched the house crumble, you pulled against him, making Ben grab your other arm.

“He wouldn’t want to die in there,” You sobbed, finally collapsing from exhaustion into Richie’s arms. The man kept you standing, holding you and rubbing his hand over your hair as you cried.

You were 40 years old when you realized you had lost your love.

but you are not allowed to save him.

thank you for reading :) have a good day!

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