#I have great friendships that fulfill all my emotional needs and have adopted enough children that I will be taken care of when I'm old

[hag-rambling-on]

Boys hc’s feats Diaspro

Riven

Riven Cassios was born to two Omega prisoners. What surprised everyone, because staying healthy enough to carry out a pregnancy on a planet that sucks your magic is... Obviously the Rocalucce Council keeps an eye on the planet, they took him out of there because no child would pay because his parents, and he has been in foster homes, although it doesn't last long since the requirements for his adoption were more strict than most -which in the long run the Council would realize was COUNTERPRODUCTIVE for his character-. That is what Darcy detects and why the high spheres are somewhat "permissive" with him.

His mother died giving birth, it was already miraculous that she lived so long and ‘bout his father I think I'm going to kill him too, maybe. The father I assure you would be love him (he called Riven to himself Daru, his gift) thought was not his initial idea, the mother always saw him as an experiment (she was a witch who followed the Ancenstresses). Ohm, also in his blood there are dark elves and giants.

Riven surname is actually the name of the galaxy where he was born or a derivation of it, as is common for orphans. So the boy knows NOTHING about the above.

Timmy and Riven are the only specialists who have passed the full course at Fonterossa, without skips. In the end they bond about it. Timmy gives him a recommendation to work as a part-time mechanic at Magix (good boy face, he knows how to use it)

Timmy

Timeus “tshhhh, it’s Timmy.... i’m not my grandfather” fulfills the physique requisits as much as any other specialist, but it is true that his physique and abilities, adapted to the distance, give him a more "feline" air.

He is also the one who wakes up at night and moves silently, scaringthe rest of the squad if they wake up unexpectedly.

His glasses are for both sight and Aura Vision. His parents are rich enough to pay for an operation, but since he would have to wear glasses for his ability anyway, why? Practical guy.

And the glasses make people look down on him, something that when his self-esteem is high and he’s being rational and cunning he knows it’s wonderful, although many others times may hurt. He is mostly leprechaum with something human.

Nex

Nex is still a Paladin born in Lymphea and with blood of literally ALL races. He adapts well to any planet, although not its people at first. His race mix makes his face “charismatic”, like always draw attention even if people don’t know very well why they are draw.

His ability is Delay Sleep. It allows him to hold over his need to sleep for days without going crazy or losing physical capacity or needing many days to recover (he can stay awake for 5 or more days, sleep 8-10 hours and go back to being his usual self). Sometimes he does not control this well and has plenty of energy in need of drop but he is the one who has the most control of his ability.

One of his parents spent time in Rocalucce Fortress as a "guest" so at times he feels like he has something to prove.

Roy

Coming from Andros, most of the population are merpeople with a few elves and humans. which avoids the 100% aquatic population. Roy, unlike Aisha is mostly human-elf with a bit of merpeople in a grandgrandgrand level. One of his parents comes from one of the colonies on the moons of Andros and he was born there although they moved almost immediately.

Roy’s paladin ability being the canon “Triton Aura” used to breathe underwater. That and learning to swim and drive all kinds of water vehicles was what made him feel "adapted" to Andros. But he always try to be useful.

He only became a Paladin at the beginning of season 6, and it was visiting him that the season began. He’s bi but he thinks of himself as straight.

Nabu

I plead guilty to liking Nabu even though I shipped Aisha with Flora and Nex. So I have a hard time thinking about him. Except, EVERY time I try to think of something. EVERY TIME. Rapunzel. So, he will never cut his hair.

But with an island instead of a tower and a babysitter (male and wizard) more dumbledoor (not, actually more like Newt Scamander mentor like).

Sometimes he misses out on some "social customs/things/normalcies" whatever is called due to his little dealing with people. He may seem naive or that don't understand sarcasm. He understands and learns quickly, but people were very respectful to him and there are things he is not used to. 1/2 merpeople 1/4 half elf 1/4 human as both of his parents are half merpeople.

He likes to swim as much as any merpeople, but they didn't let him do it much because they were afraid he would go away or lost, so he usually went off "to the heights", going up to the rooftops and things like that.

Helia

Helia is trans but keeps his first name as chosen name which I don’t understand. Also he has formally tried study practically everything he wanted. Specialist, Paladin, Wizard (of Threads). Painter.

He can't make up his mind, his family hurries him just to STOP making them dizzy and spend a few years with everything -and actually end a single “major” choice- he wants to experience, that he has a very long life and can dedicate a few decades to Everything and they can support them. Well, more or less, but he was vip pass to all these options because family connections.

Long story about Sky, Brandon and Dia.

Sky, Brandon and Diaspro's first meeting was a show. Has it all. Costumes, lies. Confusion. Kidnapping. And that is why Diaspro insists on the wedding (I would like to mention that although I don’t know her romantic orientation yet surely bi or lesbian, here, Dia is asexual. And Sky is non-binary but his parents do not approve so go for he/him to avoid problem with them. And here our story begins)

A bit of background. Brandon actually hails from Isis, the son of the military and was chosen by the whimsical chibi!Diaspro as a playmate and future personal guard (because then she believed that touching children gave "lice" and her character and age did not have the 18like wall of royal education, then in a random encounter he called her among many things what Dia's mind translated in a strange way "uncracked geode", which is a double-edged compliment in Isis that many would not accept from strangers but she liked it). Rarely they would end up becoming friends in the end. When the series begins, Brandon and Diaspro keep up with calls, which will prevent Dia's reaction with Bloom on the one hand.

On a visit (officially only from the kings of Erakyon to to the kings of Isis) for the children to get to know each other, somehow, they all ended up happily dressing up, with Sky and Dia looking like two pretty princesses and Brandon assessing whether his dress would be green or yellow because Diaspro insisted that she and Sky had already taken the blue and red and so it would be more "thematic".

Here began the first of many attacks on Sky's head, because before it had begun to be rumored (true) that Erendor had fertility problems (btw his race dwarf-high elf and Samara is leprechaum-high elf, Sky gots mostly high elf part). When they came in and saw two girls and a boy, Brandon, not the highest IQ, but one of the wisest of his team and definitely the best fighter, played along so he ended up pretending to be Sky (also helps that his hair colors looks like Erendor) Everything worked out well in the end, although Brandon ended up as Sky's squire (better for him, worse for Diaspro), and Diaspro made Sky promise that he owed her a big favor. Anyway they grew up over the years in friendship and they both knew they were not of each other's true love interest, but, they could put up with each other (because that's what royalty does).

Sky and Diaspro have a sonorous (affectionate) war over Sky's hair to annoy/exasperate Brandon. Diaspro always complains that he doesn't grow it and it would look great then. Sky says that he is fine as with his hair at it is (it's actually Erendor's thing). The soft part of Diaspro that she doesn't usually show off has taught Sky many ways to style his hair and subtly put on makeup to look more feminine if he wants to.

How I am amused by that image from wikipedia and that Diaspro entered Sky's guard so quickly. Another headcanon is that Diaspro would sometimes change her appearance a bit and go into Sky's guard to be with Brandon to annoy him and Sky, when Brandon has to talk about her without giving details, she is simply "his sister Charbonne" (she hates that alias). They were discovered when she was 15 years old but she had already trained and the royal families considered it a sign to formalize the engagement since “they search each other” (people only sees what they wants).

The Diaspro family is not good, first Brandon was a shield (emotional) because as a child they were not “that” bad and then Sky joined him (physically and politically), handling things with Bloom so like that was not a good idea when the floor was full of cracked bottles.

... omg i’m sorry you three i’m sorry what I did to you

Also, Brandon's ability as a green user is very interesting and helps with this a lot. I temporally call it “Keypoint Warning” and I like it a lot, it's like a "tic" that tells him "be careful, what you say, what you do now, even the smallest thing could change everything for youself (for better or for worse)”. He actually has a scar on his forehead (not a lightning bolt) that his hairstyle hides after “that” day but a little less fine on the words and the kidnappers might have broken his mouth so... His parents have been cured (spoiler: no) of heart attack since then.

[jessicanjpa]

I'm currently reading your Tales of the Years fanfic and I LOVE it! You are a great writer! How do you imagine Esme's adaptation to her new life? In your fanfic Edward mentions that she took well being a vampire but she must have been in a very complex emotional state right? She had just tried to kill herself and she was probably still mourning her baby. And how did she take the news that she couldn't have babies now? That probably upset her more than being a vampire

Welcome to the Series!  I’m glad you like it so far :)

I’ve never fully fleshed out my 1921 headcanon, apart from some random little scenes, so I confess I don’t have a full picture in my head of how Esme’s first year went.  I certainly think there were some newborn outbursts and difficult times, centering around her grief for her baby and her need to process everything she’d been through up to that point.  And while I think her friendship/romance with Carlisle was a generally smooth road, there were some bumps and detours there as well.

But overall, Esme is one of those characters who generally benefitted from being transformed at a crucial time in her life.  Her grief for her child was probably muted by artificial distance (the missing/clouded memories plus a whole new body, mind, and environment).  Her yearning for motherhood was “frozen” in place, but she doesn’t seem to have an “eternally grieving for her lost child” thing going on.  (If anything, I think she might have been upset that she wasn’t “upset enough” about her baby’s death.) Granted, that might have been a larger theme had it just been her and Carlisle, but when she awoke she was instantly greeted by a lonely boy/man who was in obvious need of a mother’s love.  Feeling needed is a really big part of being a “maternal/nurturing” person, and so Edward instantly filled a good part of that need, even before she and Carlisle began to get to know each other.  

I also love 1921 stories in which Esme takes one look around the house and is like “I see I have a lot of work to do.”  I honestly think that fulfillment gave her a big head start in her healing and comfort with her new family.  It’s possible that within her first week, she felt more “at home” than she ever had in her first marriage (and possibly even her childhood home).  And speaking of Charles, that’s another area in which her transformation was well-timed; just imagine how different things might have been if she didn’t have that nine months in between.  It wasn’t just the time away from her abuser; it was the fact that she was finally reconnecting with her desire to strike out on her own and try a new life—the cautious reawakening of some hopes and dreams.  Even though she’s largely had to reimagine those dreams in her new world, I think those nine months played a crucial role in her journey.

I agree that finding out about her infertility must have been a particularly hard blow.  I hope she learned about that before she and Carlisle became a thing; I think it would have hurt more if their romance was underway and she had already begun hoping for children with him.  But again, I think having Edward made a big difference in this area.  It might have grown more difficult when he was away for four years, especially since in my HC Edward left pretty abruptly and never contacted them while he was gone.  I’m positive she and Carlisle both thought about the possibility of “adopting” again during that time, even if they never discussed it out loud.

So overall, I imagine an atypically smooth transition.  Bella has that beloved introvert/old soul theme of “I always felt different” but of course she would have been able to do whatever she wanted, had she stayed human.  Esme lived in a time when for the most part, girls that wanted to go against the flow rarely got to do so.  Women had gained a few rights, but in reality, someone like Esme never had a real chance at freedom; on the contrary, her world grew smaller as she aged.  So in a way, her transformation freed her on all kinds of levels.  It worked out especially well for her since Carlisle and motherhood had placed high on her list of dreams anyway. One of my favorite things about the prequel years is how Esme had Edward to fuss over/dote on, and that was nice, but her household just continued to grow unexpectedly time and time again, and with it her mother-heart as well.

[eichy815]

He Ain’t Imaginary – He’s My Brother!

Originally Published on March 30, 2016 on Eichy Says 

One of my biggest social pet peeves is the common depiction of males as needy children who are highly dependant on women for security and affection.  We’ve all heard the gynocentric cliché:

“Men need women more than women need men.”

I find this generalization to be very insulting.  It’s true that boys and men can become very close to our mothers, sisters, and (for the heterosexual dudes) wives.  My own mom is one of the most important people in my life.  And some of you know that I have one younger sister, who constantly entertains and reassures me.

But what about all of the women out there who make their husbands or boyfriends their priority in life – the same way men can make their wives or girlfriends their priority?

I’ve always wished I’d had a brother (or two, or three).  In the same way I would have “imaginary friends” in middle school (since I found myself ostracized from so many social circles), I would also picture myself navigating my way through adolescence and horsing around with “imaginary brothers” of my own.

As a connoisseur of television, there are two particularly touching depictions of brotherhood that I’ve observed on two of my favorite TV shows.

The first is that experienced by Jude Adams-Foster (Hayden Byerly) on Freeform’s family drama, The Fosters.  Jude is a young San Diego teenager who is just coming to terms with his homosexuality.  He and his older biological sister are adopted into a household headed by two lesbians; Jude’s two older adopted brothers, Jesus (Noah Centineo) and Brandon (David Lambert), are compassionate toward his struggles and social challenges.

Jude, Brandon, and Jesus tease and quarrel with each other, just like any biological brothers would...but the fact that Jude is gay never stigmatizes the love that his two older adopted brothers have for him.

The second example is a more recent TV newcomer:  ABC’s The Real O’Neals, a single-camera comedy that debuted earlier this month.  Unlike The Fosters (which is more serious in tone), The Real O’Neals has a campier vibe in the rein of The Middle, Fresh Off the Boat, and The Goldbergs.  Kenny O’Neal (Noah Galvan) is a gay Chicago teenager who has just come out to his Irish-Catholic family.  

While Kenny’s mother is farcically homophobic, his older brother, Jimmy (Matt Shively), has given Kenny a ton of heartfelt-if-awkward support.  Jimmy is a “dumb jock” archetype who has realized he’s borderline-anorexic; but Jimmy’s affection for Kenny – while sandwiched with fraternal ribbing and absurdities – doesn’t waver. 

One of my greatest regrets in life is not having been able to grow up with a biological brother – or multiple brothers.  I don’t fault my parents for this, as I can understand why any married couple would decide that two children are enough for them to handle.  

On top of that, the fact that I’m not close to my dad – and that I don’t feel comfortable sharing intimate details of my life with him – is more of a testament to his own harsh personality.

I think that the void pervading my life due to the absence of having any older and/or younger brothers was a large motivation in my decision to pledge a fraternity in college.  It’s also a driving force behind why I have closer platonic friendships with males (specifically those who belong to my own generation, and the generations bordering mine) compared to platonic friendships with females.

The fact that I’m gay is secondary to this dynamic...although it certainly does shape my perspective.  There are many gay guys out there who feel more comfortable having mostly platonic female friends – so I’m certainly not claiming to experience the world’s only fulfilling dynamic of friendship.

Still, I won’t waver from my position that there are immensely compelling reasons why men need EACH OTHER just as much as we need women.  I’m sure many females would, similarly, make the argument that women need EACH OTHER for support and camaraderie just as much as they need men for those purposes.

Some of the reasons why brotherhood can be so valuable and beneficial to those of us with Y-chromosomes:

MORAL SUPPORT

As much as females can offer us great friendships, you really have to be a dude to understand what life is like for other dudes.  

Granted, not every male person is going to be compassionate or sympathetic; so not every guy would be an ideal friend or confidante.  But, in general, there are certain topics about which we, as men, are going to be more open when we’re around one another in all-male spaces.  If you’re skeptical:  spend time (or plant a tape recorder) in any locker room or steam room.  Although not every stranger will immediately open up to everyone around him, a lot of this deep dialogue tends to develop over time as we become better acquainted with other males in these types of environments.

SEX TALK

“Male-only” spaces also provide a “safe” place for guys to talk about sexual techniques, positions, or objects-of-our-affection.  Granted, most of this open conversation will be heterosexual in nature.  But even as a homosexual, I enjoy being included in these discussions because it shows me that my male friends (or even male acquaintances) are comfortable with me.

But there’s a deeper reason: growing up, I never had a male role model to give me “The_Sex_Talk.”  Since my father and I weren’t close (and, subconsciously, he probably suspected and struggled with the possibility of me being gay), that never happened (and I’m glad it didn’t!).  However, I definitely would have felt more secure and self-confident from a much younger age if I’d had a slightly-older brother to give me sex advice (yes, even if he was heterosexual and not speaking from his direct experience).

Dudes understand each other when it comes to our primal sexual needs:  masturbation, aesthetic pleasure, foreplay, and climaxing.  We even understand it, on a core level, when interacting with other dudes who happen to have different sexual orientations from our own.  My heterosexual “bros” may not be able to share my experience of being attracted to people of the same sex...but they definitely can empathize with the importance of being sexually-satisfied.  And, as you can imagine, my gay or bisexual “bros” are the ones with whom I can be even more open, regarding those topic areas.

BODY IMAGE ISSUES

A majority of men have hang-ups about our bodies...whether a guy is willing to openly admit it or not.  We either want to lose weight (“slim down”), gain weight (“bulk up”), gain muscle, tone our abs and torsos, tone our buttocks and legs, et. al.

Machismo often makes men reluctant to discuss this subject, even amongst each other.  Yet, whenever we are willing to open up to a close buddy (or a casual friend) about our body insecurities, it creates a healthy avenue of dialogue that we can then channel inward to pursue self-improvement.

Growing up, I was never athletic or coordinated.  I also had severe dermatological problems:  chronic acne on my back and chest.  To this day, I still live with those physical (and emotional) scars.  And, yes, contrary to popular belief, men do get stretch marks (although normally not with the same intensity as pregnant women do).  If dudes would trust other dudes and support one another with positive reinforcements, we’d carry around a lot less stress on a daily basis.  This is definitely something that would have benefited me, as a teenager, if I’d grown up with brothers to whom I could have confided about these things.

SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES

In general, males don’t seem to have the same love of shopping that women do.  The exception to this rule would be some gay males who love to shop or embrace fashion trends – although, as I’d discussed in my column from last week, that’s still a homosexual stereotype that shouldn’t be automatically assumed...unless you’re aware of a specific gay guy’s personal interests.

I’ve always hated going shopping for clothes...especially with my parents.  I don’t enjoy having female friends help me pick out clothing, either.  In fact, whenever I go to a department store, I will do whatever I can to steer clear of having to ask the female sales associates for help.  To this day, I wear clothing for as long as it will hold out (until it becomes torn or irreparably faded).

If I’d had brothers who could have helped me shop for my wardrobe, as a child and adolescent, perhaps I’d have a somewhat better sense of style today?

AN EMOTIONAL OUTLET

Unlike the title of the movie, boys do cry.  It’s just that we’re often discouraged from doing so in front of other people...or in public.  There’s still the societal implication that men are supposed to remain stoic and “tough.”

I’ll tell you what I would do, if a male buddy of mine came to me in tears:  I’d put my arm around him, and talk with him about whatever was bothering him.  And do my best to understand why his stressor is so significant.  And then, try to help him find a solution.

RECREATIONAL DIVERSITY

As I’d mentioned earlier, I was never into sports as a kid.  While I still don’t believe I necessarily needed to be involved with team sports during my K-12 years, I feel (looking back on it) that I could have benefited from casual recreational activities.  

Whether it was tennis, ping pong, hacky sack, weight training, or racquetball – some of these activities might have done wonders for my social life as much as they would have for gaining better physical fitness.  Having brothers close to my age with whom I could have done these things would have brought me tremendous personal growth.

To add to that:  I never learned to comprehensively swim.  Going to a swimming pool or waterpark with brothers – especially if they were the ones actually teaching me how to swim – would have made me extremely comfortable in my own body.

HORSEPLAY & CAMARADERIE

As I’ve gotten older and developed closer friendships with other dudes, one of things I’ve come to value is the opportunity to engage in male bonding opportunities.  There are a lot of these activities that I still have yet to experience firsthand, and I still would like to – vacations, road trips, leisure time, and camping/outdoor excursions (but only when the temperature is warm or hot).

I’m sure there’s a female-only equivalent to this dynamic, between sisters or close female friends, as well. 

One thing that a dude’s brothers (whether they’re biological or your non-familial “bros”) can give to us is a good dose of humility.  Whether it’s making stupid/humiliating bets or daring each other to do crazy things – sort of like the guys from Impractical Jokers or The Janoskians.  All the better if it gets videotaped and put on YouTube.

As you can imagine, if it’s just exclusively platonic gay or bisexual “bros” hanging out around each other...the hijinks and debauchery can become even more suggestive.

The unfortunate reality, for me, is that I can’t change how big of a family my parents decided to have.

However, I can embrace the opportunity to spend quality time with “surrogate” brothers – whether they’re fifteen years younger than me or fifteen years older than me.

I would encourage all of you males out there who are reading this to also consider embracing same-sex friendships; and, remember, an “intimate” friendship DOESN’T mean that the friendship is “sexual.”

Inevitably, there are differences in how I’ll conduct myself around my straight male buddies versus my bisexual or gay male buddies.  With other gay/bi dudes, I know that I can tell raunchier jokes and be a lot more graphic when talking about sex.

But, regardless of one’s sexual orientation, males everywhere should consider redefining masculinity in terms of the other men to whom we relate, within our social circles.

Everyone has an ego, to one extent or another; the challenge is keeping one’s ego from spiraling out of control.  That doesn’t mean we should avoid taking action to help others.  On the contrary – being proactive is an important step when aiding friends in overcoming their obstacles.  But the challenge – for men and women alike – is how to balance listening to others with finding actual solutions.

Males need to begin supporting other males whom we encounter outside of our biological families, fraternities, or houses-of-worship.  The male bonding experience can be universal; sometimes, it can even include strangers or acquaintances.

There’s nothing wrong with friendly competition.  But we shouldn’t allow a competitive spirit to overshadow valuing a friend’s self-worth.

We should respect each individual’s skill sets.  Not every guy out there can run fast, speak articulately, shoulder heavy weights, swim in deep water, socialize suavely, drink liters upon liters of alcohol, or brainstorm solutions at lightning-speed.

Finally, none of us should be afraid to make ourselves vulnerable when in a “safe space.”  I’ll admit that I’ve openly cried tears in front of fraternity brothers, when having an emotional crisis.  And, while I still have a lot of insecurities over my body, I’ve gradually been learning how to not stay perpetually hidden behind that towel in the locker room.  

Sometimes, dudes just need other dudes with whom we can share in some “guy talk.”  And sometimes, it takes a good “bro-date” to get our minds off of life’s troubles.

So don’t crash the sausage party.  There’s far more to life than just getting laid.

[disornrnsldfm]

An essay on marriage, gender, and my feelings on the subject

Fuck my thoughts on marriage/relationships swing from like wanting absolutely nothing to do with it to longing for it and back in like 5 seconds flat

Like, sometimes there’s just this gentle idea of two people just,, being there,, together. Being there for each other. Someone you know you can count on, to spend time with for the rest of your life. And yeah you can have that without marriage, and yeah friendships are important and valid too but having one person there for you for all the ups and downs, enjoying life’s simple pleasures together seems nice.

But then I’ll think about like having one person around you all the time seems exhausting, like needing to tell someone where you’re going before you go somewhere (or at least when you decide to go somewhere) because they’ll be worried about you seems so stifling if I want to freaking take off down the road for a sudden road trip I can’t just do that if I have a partner like that, or a relationship, a marriage. I couldn’t hop on a plane on a whim with just my purse, a jacket, and my passport if I were in a stable relationship. I’d have to coordinate with someone, telling them my plans in advance, have to accommodate their stuff in my life. I couldn’t just decide to get up and go on a walk at 3am without telling the partner, bc it’d be inconsiderate of the other person in my life that I had made a commitment to.

And then I think about like the trope of a contractual marriage, or a marriage out of practicality instead of love and that kinda interests me in that it’d be based on a different kind of relationship from the start,, like you do your think ill do my thing and when we’re together we’re together. I feel like a relationship that is less restricting than the traditional one thought of when you think of marriage might be ok, like because this is for reasons other than pure love and affection for each other there wouldn’t be as much obligation to do the things that I feel would make me feel stifled or controlled or restricted. But would that kind of relationship be worth it to me in the first place? Would there be any emotional support or emotional reasoning at all for that kind of relationship? Bc like I said, the thing that kinda makes me want a relationship or marriage is the allure of having a constant, having that shared domestic bliss stuff I already talked about.

And then there’s the societal thing to consider, like do I really want a marriage or a relationship or am I just brainwashed by the heteronormative, monogamous  nature of our society, so I really want romantic love or do I just like the idea of it? And if I did decide I wanna do marriage, I know that if I marry a guy, I’m just reinforcing the heteronormative patriarchal narrative, like I’d wanna be on equal footing with whoever my partner may be, but are there truly any guys out there who really don’t consider women to be less than men? Are there men that exist that have not been, even down to the subconsious level, affected by the patriarchal views and norms of society? Would there be a guy that would view me as a true equal, rather than someone inferior? Even if there’s a guy unaffected though, society as a whole would never see us as true equals, like even if I’m assertive and confident, he would always be viewed as the man of the household, the leader in the relationship to society at large. Like, even in media, fiction, etc the relationships between a man and a woman always have a balance of power that favors the dude. Like, even if the woman appears to be on equal footing, the way the actions are framed, the dialog, the narrative, it always ends up favoring the dude. The dude always has control. Like she might be able to turn his head but when it comes down to it, she is the one that capitulates, that is subservient, that acquiesces to him. And that is squicky for me. The whole concept of marriage is a bit squicky for me because of the power dynamics intrinsically tied to marriage, especially between a man and a woman. (side note, I think this is a big part of why I read gay shit more than straight shit)

The way to somewhat avoid this would be to go the other way, get into a relationship with a lady or non-binary or genderfluid person, but am I really confident that I’d be able to face my family with a partner that isn’t a straight man? Like, in my life there are so many things I do to keep the peace in my family, to not rock the boat, to not be weird, to not be an outcast. There are so many choices I make that I make in the vein of going along to get along. I hold my tongue, I make a different choice, I say something else, all because it is so much easier to do so. In my immediate family, there is no one who has come forth, or has even slightly hinted at, being LGBTQ+. Even in my extended family, there’s only 1 other person I know of that is confirmed to be not straight, and she isn’t out either, for probably similar reasons. Like, I can pass as straight for now, but could I ever become brave enough or willful enough to make a choice that isn’t the path of least resistance?

There’s always the option of just living with people, being a family without marriage. I almost feel like marriage is the thing itself that establishes that inequality, like once you say I do with a guy, that’s it, you are never again seen as a truly independent, equal human being. So avoid it, just cohabitate with people. If you never make it official then you never make yourself permanently less than, you still can maintain that slippery slope of being seen as an equal human being. Because if you aren’t tying the not, then they never truly hold that power over you. But still when I think of the idea of having someone to report back to, to consistently communicate with, to accommodate, I get this stifled repressed feeling, like I’d almost rather die alone than have to be tethered to someone like that.

And sometimes the idea of being alone, independent, no kids, no partner, just me, my life, my desires, my freedom, my travels sounds amazing. I’d be free for the rest of my life, only choosing to return to my family when I want to return to my family, only choosing to be around people I truly want to be around. And it’s not like there aren’t other important relationships in my life. Like, a good half of my relatives I do enjoy being around, and I have friends that are important to me. I’m already an aunt (I have some pretty awesome niblings) and I could probably be an adoptive godmother to someone for the children thing. I’m not even really sure I want kids, like that’s a lot to handle. Plus I wouldn't wanna fuck them up with my own fucked up stuff, or subject them to the half of my relatives that I’m not such a huge fan of. But if I did need kids I could adopt. Or hell, just get the kid and skip the sex via a sperm donor. Or foster kids. Or just fucking babysit other people’s kids for a couple of days, that might cure that desire. Or get an animal. Animals are great too.

But then I think of domestic bliss?, but then I think of being stifled, then I think but marriage/relationships?, then I think but w/guys the perma inequality, but what about a not straight relationship? then i think but the fear and panic and unease of doing not straight bc my family

And then sometimes, I just wish I had been born as a guy, never having to worry if I’d be seen as an equal to my partner. Sometimes I feel like it’d be easy to just chop of the boobs and move on with my life. Maybe then I would feel less stressed about it all. Or maybe I should make like the historic not-straights and just live with “a good friend” for the rest of my days. Or maybe just die alone after a long, fulfilling life of just doing my own thing.