#I have been disowned six times? ish | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dearmrsbitch · 6 years ago

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May 26, 2019 - Because damn.

Dear Prudence, My significant other died six months ago from a long-term illness. In our 25 years together, we had a 25-year-old daughter and a 21-year-old son. During that time, he had an illegitimate son who is also 21 years old, just a few months older than our son. I didn’t even meet this son until he was 15. After my significant other’s death, he began living with me and my son. About a month ago, I developed a sexual relationship with my significant other’s son. My children have now disowned me, calling the relationship disgusting, a poor decision, and inappropriate. The way I see it, other than the age gap of 25 years, we are both single, both adults, we are not related, I didn’t raise him, I didn’t even meet him until he was 15 years old, and I was never actually married to his dad, therefore I was never his actual stepmom. Do you think my children are correct in their perception of this relationship, and if so, for what reasons? —Sexual Relationship With “Stepson”

Dear Stepmother,

Well, holy fuck. Ummm... I’m not a prude by any stretch of the means, but what you’re doing isn’t exactly right, or healthy.

There’s nothing wrong with a younger man and an older woman, provided they’re both consenting adults and both have realistic expectations about the relationship.

However, here’s how your kids see it. “OMG, our father’s body isn’t even cold yet and not only is our mom fucking some new guy, she’s fucking the kid that our dad fathered when he cheated on our family!”

In a vacuum, maybe, but this? The age gap happening from when you knew him as a child is nasty, the fact that it’s only been six months since your husband and his father died is wrong, and the fact that you’re not dealing with the obvious cheating issue is so apparent because you’re fucking the product of that little endeavor.

Even if your kids do see this boy as their brother, which they may not, he’s their age! It’s bad enough when the divorced dad brings home one of his daughter’s friends, but you have opened this massive can of worms that has all sorts of issues.

Let me tell you what I think is really going on here. You have a lot of unresolved issues. Your partner cheated - like a dick, and even worse - fathered a child doing it, which opens up a lot more shit to deal with. For the record, no, you are not obligated to accept that because the kid is here and we can’t send him back, that’s a big load of crap. Now, after knowing this kid for 6 years ish, your partner dies and you’re left holding the emotional bag. You’re not over his death and I think you’re still harboring some issues over the whole thing. So, you’ve latched onto this kid in a sexual manner to deal with your left over emotions that lets you feel closer to him and at the same time, fuck him over for fucking you over.

Your first duty - is to yourself and your kids. Your kids are right to be mad with you, you’re acting like a damn idiot. Even if you don’t think they have a right to be mad, they do. To them, you’re pissing on their dad’s memory and there’s a lot of anger over the whole cheating fiasco to add to this fire.

First - stop fucking the kid. You’re not in the proper mind state to do that.

Second - Get into therapy. You need to sort out your anger and your grief before you get into another relationship.

Third - Get your partner’s kid out of your nest. He shouldn’t be there, send him back to his mommy. You do not need to take care of him and his presence in the house may be upsetting to your children. They’re adults, you’re not trying to make a blended family - that time in their lives has passed. They have to choose who they want to be family with and he is clearly not on their list right now, you’re only going to make it worse if he stays with you.

Right now, you need some space to figure out your emotions and when you do, then you can start sitting down and talking as a group, and when that is over, I think you probably won’t want to fuck this kid anymore. And if you do, then at least you’ll have proof to your kids that you tried to do something about it.

Just be advised, this won’t last, so try to figure yourself out before he leaves for someone more his own age and you have to deal with that emotional fallout. Because it’s likely your grief will be then be overwhelming if you haven’t seen someone for the mourning you’re clearly not doing.

Mrs. Bitch

#dearmrsbitch #dear prudie #dear prudence #may december relationship #bad relationships

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samuraiko · 6 years ago

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The Price of the Past - More thoughts on THE ROYAL TUTOR

(THIS IS YOUR SPOILER WARNING - I’M GONNA TALK ABOUT STUFF ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE END OF THE SERIES, SO IF YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED THE ANIME, STOP READING RIGHT NOW. LIKE, NOW. AS IN, WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS?)

A lot of folks seemed to like my Pleading Their Case essay, so I’m going back and doing another one, this time on what’s probably my favorite scene in the entire show, from episode 9 (”The Price of the Past”).

The wine cellar scene.

Now, I adore this scene, as you may know from my Top 10 Moments in THE ROYAL TUTOR post. But I want to kind of expand on that here, rather than just gushing about how awesome it is.

THE BACKGROUND:

From the minute our heroes (Kai, Heine, and Maximilian) end up in the cellar, we get a real sense of the danger that they’re in. All three are handcuffed to the wine racks, and Fuchs is openly taunting them that he is quite willing to hurt them (or possibly kill them) to get what he wants.

Up until now, almost every single challenge the princes have faced have been mental (and to some degree, emotional) - Licht being ratted out for working in the cafe, Bruno being tempted with an offer to pursue another career, Leonhard having to overcome his learning problems, and even Kai overcoming his natural shyness and reticence. This is a much, much bigger problem.

Sure, the palace will figure out something’s wrong, and sure enough, this is immediately confirmed when Fuchs outright admits that this is for ransom. Why is this important? It means that Fuchs and his cohorts have pretty much gone “all in” on this one. As Fuchs admits to Heine, “High risks yield high returns,” which means they’re looking at prison for possibly the rest of their lives at the least, and possible execution at the worst. And if your captors are willing to risk prison and/or death, this will generally not end well.

THE PLAYERS:

Maximilian might be awestruck by the estate, but his instincts as a guard are still reasonably solid (he is after all the one to wonder TWICE where Ludwig is, even if no one follows up on that, including himself). And he’s probably kicking himself pretty hard that he wasn’t quite taking this as seriously as he should have. (More on him a bit later, though.) Sure, he might be the best fencer among the guards, but this is real life. And it’s something that I *REALLY* wish the manga would have him learn... like, dude, people’s LIVES are your responsibility here.

For Kai, this is its own sort of nightmarish replay of the incident at the Academy - while Fuchs hasn’t laid a hand on him (yet), Kai already knows that Fuchs has no qualms against fighting dirty, either. (On the flip side, Kai has no qualms about taking care of himself, and he gave Fuchs as good as he got.) And while Kai might not have the same emotional attachment to Maximilian that he does to Bruno, he sure as hell cares a lot about Heine. Not to mention that this is more than a little out of Kai’s league, and he is VERY aware of that fact. So Kai is obviously pissed, and more than a little self-reproaching.

Heine is doing his best to keep things calm (whether defusing it through obstinate humour or trying to rationalize with Fuchs), while providing an anchor for Kai. You also get the feeling that he’s genuinely trying to reach Fuchs in those moments, appealing to things that the princes (Fuchs’ peers) are smart enough to value - solid morals, familial approval, open communication. It also is probably more than a little frustrating for Heine that he knows Viktor is counting on him to protect his sons (”I leave my sons in your capable hands”), and then THIS happens. As we’ll learn later in the series, Heine is more than capable of taking care of himself (yeah, a 16-year-old (ish) kid going up against four of the Royal Guard and WINNING), but now he has Kai (and to a lesser degree, Maximilian) to worry about.

And as for Fuchs, he is clearly a case of someone who claims he suffers at the hands of those of greater privilege, while completely failing to notice how much of his own he actually has. For those not in the know - the traditional ‘von’ you see in most German and Austrian surnames? It’s an indication of nobility. Ralf von Fuchs is actually a NOBLE. The academy he and Kai and Bruno attend? It’s a NOBLES ONLY academy. But over and over, we see how everything is always everyone else’s fault. He doesn’t get top marks? It’s because of Bruno, and not even because Bruno is SMART, but because it’s FAVORITISM. His family disowns him because of what happened? He still “suffers under the pressures and influence of the Royal Court.” And Fuchs’ natural jealousy and not-so-hidden sadism have once again led him to lash out at the princes, to do it where and when he thinks no one else will find out (or be able to stop him), and with others who are willing to back him up (or at least not stop him). Let’s be honest - he could have KILLED Bruno during those ‘training’ sessions.

THE SETUP:

Things come to a head when Fuchs pulls a knife on Kai. Now look at their reactions:

Kai might be afraid, but that stoic facade of his serves him well in this instance because he knows that bullies want to see your fear, and he is not about to oblige.

Maximilian goes from cheerful fanboying over the idea of being famous to being terrified that something will happen to Kai before he can stop it.

And Heine says nothing. Not a single word.

Fuchs’ frustrations lead him to grab Heine by the collar and threatening to cut his throat. And not surprisingly, Kai does not take this well. He takes it even less well when Fuchs tries to make it sound like it’s KAI’S fault that Heine’s about to get hurt (back to that again). And Kai is literally a single breath away from beating Fuchs within an inch of his life (if he doesn’t outright kill him in a blind rage).

RIGHT THERE - that’s when you realize who’s really in control of this situation. And it isn’t Fuchs.

Yes, the focus of the moment is all on Kai as he remembers Helene smiling at him, a remorseful Bruno apologizing to him... but a single glance and two words from Heine freezes him in place.

“Prince Kai.”

(By the way - this is one of the ONLY times in the series we ever hear Heine raise his voice.)

You want proof how intelligent Heine is? Never mind that he’s figured out Leonhard and Kai in the space of a single conversation. Never mind that he beats Bruno at every task the prince could come up with. Never mind that he figures out Licht’s secret in moments.

Watch the scene again.

Here they are in the cellar - Kai is trying to break free, Maximilian is lamenting about the estate, Fuchs is openly taunting them.

What is Heine doing?

He gets Fuchs talking, and he’s steering the conversation every step of the way. He’s keeping Kai from being afraid by letting Fuchs make him angry. He’s giving Maximilian all the information he needs that this is too well-thought-out, too planned for it to be a spur-of-the-moment thing, and clarifies the scope of the danger to the prince. He knows he’s in no real danger, so he LETS Fuchs manhandle him.

And most importantly, HE’S BUYING TIME. Fuchs can’t help but be focused on Kai, he’s almost obsessed with him... which means he’s NOT watching Heine.

And even when Fuchs has a knife to his throat, Heine is utterly disdainful of Fuchs. The expression on his face alone says volumes. “You arrogant child...”

And then Fuchs goes after Kai.

The first domino falls.

THE ACTION:

Watch the moment when Fuchs turns on Kai... and watch Heine in the background. He’s stopped watching Kai, and is now watching Fuchs... and the second Fuchs turns his back on Heine, boom - Heine’s out of the cuffs and in front of Kai.

“With the requisite amount of time and knowledge, Herr Fuchs, a little toy like this is unlocked quite easily.”

One swing of the chain, and Fuchs is cuffed to the wine rack. But it doesn’t stop there - Heine promptly tears down the young man’s arguments by admitting that yes, maybe his family expectations were too high of him, but had he bothered asking for help, he might have gotten it.

And look at Kai’s face - sure, he’s probably wondering what the hell just happened, but at the same time, I get the sense that he’s suddenly seeing what he could have become, had he not had the supportive mentor that he does. He would have kept withdrawing, kept hiding, kept blaming himself (and maybe others) for what happened.

And then... comes the awesome.

Fuchs’ cohorts come down the stairs (after watching the scene multiple times, Heine is outnumbered six to one, I think). Heine issues his declaration to ‘educate’ them, and after ordering Maximilian to protect Kai (a scene better handled in the anime than the manga, I think, because during the fight itself, Maximilian is all business, and he does the smart thing here - the second the kdinappers are past, he and Kai are heading toward the stairs), Heine proceeds to lay a smackdown that is poetry to behold.

THE FIGHT:

Heine has had the last several minutes to study his surroundings, and he uses that information well. He knows where everything is, and where everyone is.

The first thing Heine does is plant his feet and balance himself. Good plan, since the first one to come after him has a knife. He dodges three times to get the measure of his opponent’s skill (and a sense of his reach), lets himself be backed up toward a second opponent behind him, then neatly pivots, grabs his would-be backstabber and throws him right into his assailant. Two down.

The guns come out after that, but Heine’s as lithe as an acrobat, and draws their fire down the room... AWAY from Fuchs, by the way, who’s still chained up at the other end of the row. It takes a certain measure of confidence to nab his cap as he dodges the gunfire, then he picks up a cask lid just as the kidnappers shoot some of the provisions (namely a flour sack), causing flour to go everywhere. While they’re choking, the lid comes flying out of the dust and bam, third attacker is sent reeling.

Unfortunately, he crashes into Fuchs, dislodging the support beams of the casks and causing two of them to fall toward Fuchs, who can’t dodge because of his handcuffs. No problem, Heine has snatched up the fallen beam and shunts the casks away from Fuchs and the guy he just hit.

And now Heine has a weapon that can attack at greater reach (not much good against guns, but as the martial arts adage goes, “If you can’t stand, you can’t fight”). And when all the kidnappers try and rush him at once (since by now they’re out of ammo, and Heine’s not about to give them the time to reload, so it’s back to knives and/or fists), he swings the beam and takes them down. Even better - he’s swinging clockwise, which means he’s more likely to take out the right arms of each of his opponents (all his opponents have come at him right-handed). Heine’s also not shy about aiming for the head or ribcage, either (”if you can’t see, you can’t fight, if you can’t breathe, you can’t fight”).

Once they’re all down, he goes after the leader, who tries to attack him with the riding crop/teacher’s pointer. Heine’s not having that, and two quick dodges and one wrist lock later, that’s the end of that. The leader is cowering on the floor, while Heine nonchalantly kicks the revolver up into his hand, cocks it, and takes a shot between the leader’s legs. (I can only imagine that concrete shrapnel ‘down there’ must HURT, and lucky for him, the ricochet doesn’t kill him, either.)

(By the way - Heine’s ambidextrous - he fires the revolver first with his left hand, then with his right.) And while he’s spinning the barrel to see how many shots he has left, he manages to load the ammo that ends the scene the way it does.

“Who ARE you?! Tell me!”

“The Royal Tutor... my name is Heine Wittgenstein. Let this be a lesson to you, sir.”

Title first, name second. Says quite a bit about which he considers more important, doesn’t it? And said with utter, chilling calm.

THE SIGHTS AND SOUNDS:

Hands down, visually, this is my favorite scene in the anime. The lighting and colouring are fantastic, although I admit that the animation itself is a bit more spare than I’d have liked. Still, it works gorgeously well, and for a street fighter like Heine, a lengthy drawn-out fight might not have worked as well (street fights are more visceral and less elegant). Angles and perspectives are handled beautifully, emphasizing the almost claustrophobic confines of the wine cellar, and constantly showcasing who’s dominant in the scene.

The whole fight scene, by the way, is practically storyboarded from the manga, and made even more impressive by being able to use a moving camera and shifting perspective to give it motion and flow.

(I have to make a side note here - there is ONE notable difference that I caught after first watching the series, then reading the manga. There’s a still frame where Kai is frozen after throwing the punch, and Fuchs is holding up Heine by the collar. In the manga, Heine is pretty much on his knees. In the anime, he has one foot out in front of him. And of the two versions, I prefer the anime one because it captures Heine’s intent more clearly. Heine is ready to make his move as soon as Fuchs turns his back.)

The music is also my favorite track in the series (roughly translated to “Teaching Weapons,” a marvelous dual meaning), to where it almost seems like a dance. The time keeps shifting, keeping things just off-balance enough to convey that sense of chaotic movement. And unlike virtually every other cue in the show, this scene is the ONLY place it appears.

For the dub, you’ve got Micah Solusod as Heine, Daman Mills as Kai, Dallas Reid as Maximilian, Justin Briner as Fuchs (by the way, Justin REALLY needs to play more villains, as he’s fantastic at it), with Chris Sabat cameoing as the ringleader. Everyone’s on their A game here, to the point where it’s hard to point out which one is best. Kai’s emotional reaction to everything going on means that Daman has more of a chance to move past Kai’s usual softspoken voice, Justin manages to give Fuchs an almost delusional, unhinged arrogance, but Micah’s absolute stoicism with its underlying anger and disdain just sells this scene as Heine’s crowning moment of awesome.

So yeah, I love this episode, and I love this scene. Hope you do, too. :)

#the royal tutor #oushitsu kyoushi haine

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crabbyyy · 7 years ago

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hey there, um, things have been getting better, and it all culminated yesterday when something happened that at the time, I didn’t think it was all that huge, but 24-ish hours later I can’t help but think about it. you might see it and think it’s weird that I think it’s such a big deal, but hear me out. it’s gonna be huge and rambly again like the last few posts but trust me, I’m still absolutely gobsmacked by what’s happened leading up to yesterday.

so more than a year ago, I had a friend at work who, since then and many months after leading up to this week, I’ve come to realize we had more in common than I thought. the way it works in our studio, though, is that we won’t always end up in the same project and it’s a mess to navigate the system of how the production management actually plans to handle its employees. so that friend and I haven’t been in the same project for a while. but we still do meet each other after work or during lunch or coffee breaks. he’s a great guy--maybe sometimes a bit brash with how he talks or acts, but overall he’s great. and for months now, he’s been trying to get me to go with him to--please, don’t check out just yet, hear me out--a furry con. I know, even I was so boggled that here, in the country where I live, there was such a thing. I didn’t think that was such a big thing as it was elsewhere that you could have a con--that’s been going for three years now, if I remember right. so yeah, I was hesitant at first. like with a lot of new things or things I’m not familiar with but not really new to anyone else, I was so hesitant to the point of nervous for weeks about what going to furry con was gonna be like. so yeah, I said I would go with him. again, please don’t check out just yet. I was ready to check out while in that con and just aim around and take things in, but not really be all there, if that makes sense. I went there yesterday. and honestly? I didn’t know what to expect, but it wasn’t all that bad. it was okay. and if you’re thinking it’s some nsfw-ish con, yeah, so did I and a few other friends did. but thing is, a nsfw-ish con here would be shut down faster than a computer that’s just gone blue screen. there were little kids there, and honestly, it wasn’t too far from the other one or two cons I went to before. to be honest, they had a gaming corner there that had everything from a working dreamcast to a snes to even a ps4, and I spent most of my time there--but really just watching my friend and his friends play. but that leads me to what’s blown me away up until now. after all that, I had dinner with my friend and six of his other friends. and you know what, while I can’t confirm anything about my friend, I do recall the huge fact that all six of his friends (again, hopefully this is correct recollection) are all hella gay. especially one of them, who is so unapologetically gay, to clumsily put it. but the point is, that’s the first time ever in my life that I’d been surrounded by people who are definitely not straight at all. well, jury’s still out about my friend (but I don’t judge him either way), but I’ve never had that happen to me before, ever. (there’s also the small fact that my friend’s friends think that me and my friend are a couple because everyone else in that group had someone, but y’know, assumptions are assumptions) why’s that a big thing to me, you ask? ever since I knew that I liked other guys, I was always looking for others who felt the same. for nearly a decade, I found nothing. one or two people, but never a huge group like what I saw yesterday. and one of my friend’s friends even joked that the entire con was a huge “ladies and gays” con instead of a furry con--I am sort of inclined to believe him. so yeah, all of this is still weird to me, but I can’t believe that’s where I’d find other guys who like guys--at a furry con. if this is all sounding rather weird to you, don’t worry. even now, the thought of it messes with me. but to be honest? at the state of my life at the moment, that will be the closest thing I will ever get to going to a gay bar. I can easily explain going to a furry con as “it’s a place where artists sell their work and I kinda went just to see what they were selling”. not so much with a gay bar. nah, with my folks, I’d be disowned in a heartbeat. going home that night I wondered what could’ve been if I didn’t go with my friend to that con. honestly, his friends are wonderful people as well, and at this point, I’m over and above any snobbery about other people who do their thing and aren’t hurting anyone else. so no, I don’t judge anyone in that con. well, I went there, and I judge the hell out of myself on a daily basis, but that’s for another time. all that said, it’s been a while since I did something completely new to me like that. three years working in a studio has made stuff rather monotonous, and really, as much as I love working there, I am more than sure that in the near future--I did say that I wanted to find new work next year, but now I’m not sure but it will be very soon--I will leave the studio. I’ll admit, I’m afraid to do so, and just thinking about it is scary. if yesterday taught me anything, though, it’s that I need to try more new things. the routine that’s worked for three years is slowly doing me in, and last week was the worst of it. sure, I might be underqualified for other work out there, but I don’t wanna think of it that way. I am, however, ready as I’ll ever be for whatever’s next. also, it was a huge boost to me to think that there are gay dudes out there like me, and I just need to not be afraid to seek them out. but that involves doing new things. to end this already too long post, I did tell my friends about this and they asked me if I thought that my friend took me out to an accidental date by asking me to a con. y’know what, I won’t judge him. above anything else, I’m lucky to even have found someone like him in the studio, who shares so much common ground with me than anyone else before. I won’t think too much about whether it was an accidental date or whatever. but I do wanna thank him for asking me to go. yesterday was both one of the most confusing days of my life--and simultaneously one of the best days ever in a long while. like, no kidding. and if you managed to get through all of this, really, just--thank you. it’s a lot I wanna get off my chest, and for that, I am in a better place now than I’ve ever been in months.

#crabisms #long post is long so that's why a lot of it's under the cut #but in short it's one of the most confusing and best days i've ever had in months #and i'm in a better place now than i've ever been in months #so yeah yesterday meant a lot to me

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severalbakuras · 7 years ago

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time

finish

im not prepared

(apologies to mobile users for the long post)

episode 5:

intro is a pink screen. it’s established pink is a mourning colour. hrmmm.

oh its an eyeball SHIRO

that’s not a good looking room to be in

that HAIR

hallucinating already, this is Not Good.

so he’s like totally alone in that room that is just bad practice right there. supervisor’s gonna get fucked if they get caught.

and. another shiro. one who’s kept clean-shaven. oh ok i know where this is going i think.

operation kuron is so unsubtle that i think we’re in for several layers of bait-n-switch until it turns out shiro never actually existed. schrodinger’s Shiro. shirodinger.

he escaped waaaaaay too easily - yeah. called it.

‘stage 3′ so stage one is ??? and stage two is this guy.

ok so shiro obvs remembers some things but i find it interesting that we’ve had no internal thoughts beyond memories of the tube/surgery. like he’s not thought about voltron or the paladins or allura and coran like he has no idea if they survived or not. nothing at all by the five minute mark.

HAGGAR FINALLY I’VE MISSED YOU SO

yeah you keep an eye on that boy. im sure absolutely nothing will happen to this guy.

self-cauterization holy shit.

“what killed you?” is the first spoken line of dialogue from shiro i think. everything else is just vague confusion noises and/or battle grunts iirc. we haven’t even had an internal line of thought yet (which i know don’t rly happen in this series like everyone tends to speak aloud but still he’s ALL alone). i think that’s significant, somehow.

how the fuck has he not frozen to death in that skinny suit.

SHIRO NO THAT COULD BE AN ACID LAKE

“subject Y0XT39″ i will eat a raw garlic clove if this turns out to be the real shiro.

wow that’s rly bad for blood circulation like way to make him lose his hands jackasses.

so these two are space cannibals. neat.

if you’re trying to convince people of who you are why would you just say your first name? he WANTS these guys to know who he is, there’s no point being cagey. say your surname shiro go ahead.

knowledge of who the paladins are rly is being kept tight under wraps. so long as nobody ever thinks to check out any planet where galra were known to have integrated into local alien communities to the point of children.

i :) wonder :) who :) might :) do :) that :)

(i wonder how earth’s doing. everyone has family down there who misses them (besides keith since he’s living in a shack in the desert and nobody from the MILITARY-ish training academy told his dad to come pick him up apparently))

lotor i swear to fuck don’t you dare pull a dreamworks smirk DONT DO YOU DARE

so galra channels are hackable

that big guy’s totally having a SUPPRESSING FIIIIIRE moment

i rly like this winter backdrop i love being able to see the brushstrokes on the snow (like digital ones but they count).

he’s starving but he doesn’t take a single bite of the food onscreen can’t tell if suspicious or #mood bc i don’t like people watching me eat either lol

so operation kuron isn’t something widely known then or Hold up those robo-soldiers have no reaction whatsoever to a unit falling down until the hangar doors close.

ok those two guys in the cave HAVE to be in on it or shiro would’ve died on that planet. why keep the ship above a Death Planet for him to be permitted to escape to unless they had someone down on the Death Planet who could send him back to the right ship to deliver to voltron without him knowing he was being played?

like this is ALL phase 3.

‘stop spying on me’

‘do your fucking job’

HA. IDEAS. IN ZARKON’S HEAD. AHHAHAA

i think this is the first time i’ve seen lotor angry like haggar gets under his skin so easily i hope they talk again soon. ‘I AM THE LEADER’ his VOICE damn.

ok so like i already know lotor is half-galran and he’s probably half-altean too like in the original series with the hair and all. but i don’t think haggar is his mother even though she’s also altean. he’s hyper-focused on not being like his father in that scene but he also seems the type that he’d leave a snarky comment about his mother too if she were. and she doesn’t ever refer to him as her son, only zarkon’s. she’d surely say ‘our’ son, unless she officially disowned him as part of his banishment and hates his guts but then surely he’d have at least SOME reaction to seeing her unless he was, like, literally banished at birth and doesn’t know who she is and that he’s half-altean. bc if he knew he was he’d connect the dots between ‘only altean on the ship’ and his dad v quickly.

like i do know the story behind exactly how original lotor (aka sincline) is half altean and it’s Unpleasant and makes zarkon a fucking monster and i doubt this series would even imply that that was the case here but if it did and our lotor knew this was the truth behind his parentage that could explain his lack of reaction to haggar AND his deeply intrinsic rejection of his father.

oh come ON the ship is stocked with oxygen!!!!!! why would a ship that’s intended for a robot pilot need oxygen!!!!!!!!

seven days, when he’s already in a bad way re blood loss/injury (like a healing serious wound burns calories and fluid by the truckload) and didn’t have much water to go on beforehand. if i didn’t think something was up before man.

finally, almost 20 minutes in, we finally see him think of his teammates. took long enough.

black lion notices. hrm.

episode six:

nice shooting lancFCUKING KILL THEM ALLURA

SAME LANCE

HUG YOUR SON SHIRO actually no you’re not shiro stay the fuck away from him

‘weird headache’ since this isn’t a dramatic romance show, he’s not got Invisible Anime Disease #5 so there’s absolutely a tracker in his brain.

A HUNK MOMENT THAT ISN’T ABOUT FOOD I’M CRY (like it intersects with pidge but i don’t mind it’s nice that he gets to show his own brains in what feels like forever)

shiro automatically stepping back in ‘this is what we do mode’ is SHRHCHCH. NO. even if he WASN’T a clone he’s still recovering and is missing out on potentially months of their relationships changing and being redefined. he can’t just step back in like that.

ok so like???? if there’d been more scenes like this early on??? i’d probably be totally into klance?? like keith doesn’t really grasp the depths of the issue with lance judging by how the shot holds on lance leaving and his facial expressions and all but keith tries and lance tries and there’s no cheap joke thrown in there’s no rejecting that there was any emotional connection. it’s not solved the problem lance has by any means but it’s lance opening up to keith about his vulnerabilities and worries and it’s keith doing his best to help him both as a leader and a friend and the narrative doesn’t turn either of them into a joke for it. THAT IS MY SHIT RIGHT THERE.

like i’m obvs lowkey into enemies-friends-lovers (bc otherwise i wouldn’t consider keitor or any of my other ships which i won’t name bc i’ve made it this far without comparing anything to warcraft so i won’t start now) but i guess i much prefer the friends-lovers stage. (especially when only one half of the pair considers the other as ‘enemy’ in the first place).

‘just whack it’ is a universal law that will last forever

SHIRO ARE YOU IN THE LEADER CHAIR. NO? SHUT UP.

fucking fake ass shiro he doesn’t even acknowledge keith stepping up to make a plan as leader like he always fucking wanted him to do he just sails on into his own plan without so much as a ‘sorry’. fuck you fake shiro. firo.

and keith just stands there like a lemon like this is ok ahrhfhg. firo i swear to god if you drag keith back down into the place he was on the gas planet before lance intervened i’m gonna be so mad.

interesting that we don’t get a reaction shot of lance when keith offers to stay behind instead of taking back red. considering how that was literally what the last scene between him and keith was about is all.

so clones are genetically identical so the black lion picking up on firo’s ~spark of life~ fading or whatever to rescue him isn’t odd. but the black lion knows your soul and it’s not happy.

(could be an issue when the real shiro returns tho but eh that’s a problem for futuretron)

I LOVE THIS LOYAL PETTY BASTARD

“Victory or death!” OH COME ON YOU’RE MAKING THE WARCRAFT REFERENCES FOR ME. LOKTAR OGAR

so perhaps lotor squad isn’t in on operation kuron?

i wonder what’s being whispered during the mind control scenes.

that ship looks like a space fox... or maybe a star fox.

in two minds about this part like right now firo IS right but they DO need to actually try and confront lotor at some point. it’s ALWAYS going to be a bad time bc lotor has figured out how to use plot armor to protect himself so sometimes you just need to attack that face down trap card and face the consequences or you’ll be stuck forever yknow?

OH IT’S HER. FROM THE SHIP. COOL i was wondering if that’d come up again.

oops he’s ambidextrous.

also i think ezor might be a little crueler than she lets on, she’s got some v. vicious expressions going on in this grapple.

ZETHRID THINKS ALLURA’S A WORTHY OPPONENT ZELLURA YOU ARE CLEARED FOR LAUNCH (in other news i am a terrible person)

honestly those are both equally high priority targets, either one WILL fuck things up in the future no matter if they follow firo or keith.

now lotor how do you know they were about to attack, unless you perhaps had a direct link into the lions communication lines, which have been kinda previously established as being impossible to hack?

(so that’s one point in them also knowing about project kuron)

YES KEITH THIS IS WHAT YOU DO BEST ON THE FLY INSTINCTIVE GOOD MOVE

hooooly shit lotor’s maaaad

get your hand off him firo.

“i’m sorry i had to step in back there” step in. STEP IN. LIKE YOU WEREN’T IN CONTROL OF THE ENTIRE MISSION START TO FINISH. he sets up ‘you were the leader and you weren’t good enough’ almost on purpose..

the former isn’t true because keith still stepped down and firo commanded all their movements from the ship and the latter isn’t true because no plan survives contact with the enemy keith basically had it as under control as shiro always did. considering the circumstances he did damn well AND he scored a ‘fuck you’ point against lotor by using lotor’s own new ship to wreck the teledove.

“i thought i had it under control” ;A;

HE’S BEEN THERE SINCE THEY ALL FORMED VOLTRON YOU FUCK. HE WAS GOOD AT THIS UNTIL YOU GOT HERE.

FUCK YOU FIRO.

damn that’s cold haggar.

episode seven:

i’m. um. huh. those certainly were memories i’ll need to pause on later.

this dramatic scene is being ruined by all the cute little triforces floating around.

my civil war theory is officially dead now i guess. goodbye, civil war theory. it was nice to have you as a handy aversion of the whole ‘X race is like this while Y race is like this’ trope that always shows up in sci fi and fantasy and sci-fantasy~

this music is giving me jack sparrow IN SPACE vibes.

oooh the dust particle effect in the light shafts in the air is pretty and a good attention to detail.

now see like why wasn’t his spirit projection thing back in season 1 more like this??? he has a character he’s got personality he’s just like his daughter i’d actually MISS this guy if that spirit projection thing had been like his true self and not a bland whatever he was he’s so forgettable i can’t even remember what he was like.

ZARKON WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. YOUR VOICE. YOUR EYES.

so like galra culture has a class/caste system and is kinda militaristic. explains a lot in the future i guess.

“WHAT IS THAT” is that the same cat narti has? and oh god no he’s a dork.

OH NO HE’S A REALLY BIG DORK AAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAA BABY ALLURA. SHE’S SO CUTE.

oh so he married honerva? oh no. OH NO SHE BETTER NOT BE HAGGAR. DON’T DO THIS.

“it was a customary gesture” tf is that all about.

“by willow!” is that the first canon mention of a deity? cool.

so the red paladin was technically the first paladin.

this thing is eldritch as fuck.

“Am I a leg?!” god i am so sad that you’re going to die horribly i love you.

now it’s REALLY eldritch.

god she really is haggar.

so alteans definitely age then (which proves empress allura was definitely dead a long LONG time before alt-eans went all mind-controlly).

honergar’s giving me major ‘that bloodbender who’s name i’ve forgotten’ vibes.

I KNEW QUINTESSENCE WAS BAD SHIT

he loves her so much im gonna cry.

so the lions cannot pick up on deceit then. they accept the will of their paladin over the safety of voltron as a whole and the other lions. they cast no moral judgement.

so there could easily be an evil voltron somewhere.

ZARKON NO HE’S HOLDING HER HAND ARGH.

so those weird purple cloud creatures from another dimension are puppeteering the corpse of the first black paladin, taking his basic desire for power and extending it into a galaxy spanning genocidal crusade because???

their home dimension must be a fucking hell dimension if things like that are trying to escape.

that guard made it seem like they sorta knew and accepted why their planet was destroyed so i guess zarkon returning from death was such a massive cultural shock that they all fell into line. bc otherwise i find it hard to believe that every single galra would join the battle (like yeah the blades exist but they’re a tiny movement) and not question what the fuck happened to his eyes or voice or how he came back from the fucking dead or why they’re meant to suddenly hate everyone.

ok so why do most of the galra have similar glowing eyes iirc? surely the vast majority should have the normal eyes that old zarkon and lotor have but they don’t. unless like successful generals are permitted to ‘live’ forever by taking the creatures into their bodies but then like they have far too much personality for that. the loktar ogar guy for example. what gives.

that’s kind of a leap at lotor’s motives but an understandable one, they don’t know how much lotor detests being like his father so i doubt he’d do the same damn thing his father was trying to do.

he’s baaaaack and he’s got no new tricks, zombieman zarkon’s still just as thick as the last time~

lotor’s gonna be so mad. and also this doesn’t actually explain why haggar lets zarkon run roughshod all over her much better plans prior to this because she doesn’t remember being his husband until this episode.

and also also imo this means haggar definitely can’t be lotor’s mother bc when we’re seeing things coran can’t possibly know like honerva on her death bed we’re probably seeing haggar’s vision of events and he doesn’t appear to be a factor in either of their lives but she remembers their wedding perfectly.

(unless he’s a zombaby but he can’t be because his eyes don’t glow).

hrm.

season four when.

#vld #voltron legendary defender #sb watches voltron

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xseaxwitchx · 8 years ago

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Snape’s Parents

Today, I’ve decided to just ramble on about my thoughts on how Tobias and Eileen somehow became a thing. I don’t claim to have much knowledge about 1950s England in the slum-ish districts, but based on what I read on reputable blogs (and the minimal research I had a tiny amount of time for), Imma just see where this heads. Here are my unfiltered, unedited, and disorganized thoughts on Day 6: Snape’s Parents of Snape Appreciation Month. @snapeloveposts

So, we know that Eileen isn’t exactly conventionally attractive, but we never get the physical description of Tobias (not at least that I remember; the last time I read the books was about three-ish years ago because I’ve been swamped with homework since I started high school about, what do a know, three-ish years ago). Sometimes I like to think that Tobias himself was conventionally attractive either, and that’s one of the reasons they noticed each other in the first place; because neither of them were conventionally attractive. Sure, Tobias had muscle from going to work to provide for his immediate family that moved from Ireland (a headcanon a thoroughly accept and enjoy that can be found on @deathdaydungeon because that’s an a+ Snape blog with a+ headcanons by the blogger and the askers).

Now, I ask the question of how did they notice each other? When did they notice each other? Where, why? These are the questions that truly fascinate me because I also headcanon that Eileen’s family, while pureblood, never was actually rich, open about being wizards/witches, and hid in the shadows, surviving on magic that wouldn’t bring any suspicion to them, i.e. suddenly bringing in more money to live in an upper-state (?) neighborhood, or at least a good one. I like to think they also lived in Cokeworth, but disowned Eileen after she married muggle Tobias (the pureblood-ness of the family stayed pureblood because of a shit-ton of incest in the Prince family, but that’s another fucked up headcanon for another time (and also why she’s unattractive)), making her life worse. But anyway, more meta for another time. Back to the actual subject.

She helped to provide for her family through working as a waitress at the local pub. Sure, it wasn’t much pay, but it was enough to get her by and contribute enough to the rent and basic needs of a six-person household (more meta for another time). Obviously, she put up with the usual drunken bastards and sexual harassment by said men (being drunk and wanting sex does not mean the girl has to be attractive, bear in mind). Tobias, albeit being a regular, was never exactly drunk, just a bit...ah...tipsy. But he never sexually harassed her (though he never told his drunk buddies to stop when they did it to her). There were two other women who worked at the local pub, but they embraced the sexual harassment and used it to gain extra money with offering certain recreational activities after hours. Eileen has pondered about asking one of them about it, but she overheard the two discussing how unattractive Eileen was. So Eileen’s idea was dropped.

Tobias, here, is interesting. While not being conventionally attractive, he was a foreigner with a thick Irish accent, something ladies tend to love for some odd reason (foreigners with thick accents; don’t ask me why, I honestly don’t know). But when Eileen actually snaps one day and slaps a man across the face after he grabbed her privates, Tobias took notice. After that, it was little glances and knowing looks of something, they didn’t know what. It evolved into their first date, late at night looking at the stars. I’ve always believed they were genuinely in love with each other once upon a time. Anyway, they dated over a year, then kind of eloped. What I mean by “kind of” is that there was never any legal documentation, never any ceremony, just him slipping his great-grandmother’s engagement ring (a simple gold band engraved with Irish love symbols) on her left ring-finger and they left it at that; they considered themselves married to each other after that.

Eileen, of course, gets disowned and thrown out of her family’s house after her grandmother was a little too observant and relentless in getting an answer. So, Tobias and Eileen both bought a house in the parallel-to-slums area, deeper into Cokeworth so Eileen would not have to run into her family accidentally. Tobias told his boss about the address change and the boss, knowing now Tobias’ and Eileen’s situation of extreme poverty, offered to “pay” for the rent (basically, took it out of Tobias’ pay before giving Tobias the rest of his pay; I know there’s some meta or another about it that is explained more clearly on @deathdaydungeon‘s blog, I’m trash at explaining it here).

Eileen does keep her job at the pub, but now she has to find an alternate route to get there to avoid her family plus factor in more walking distance, which means leaving earlier. Tobias also keeps his job at a mill factory, in the same basic situation as Eileen, but it doesn’t bother him too much. Times start to get harder, rationing becomes extreme, and eight months later, Severus is born. Eileen loses her job because she now has to stay home to take care of their boy (because in those days, women were replaced left and right--your position was never held for you (at least that was the case in America, and maybe it’s safe to assume the same for Britian?)). That’s when it all went to hell for the both of them. Eh, more meta for another time though.

Okay, maybe I got carried away a little bit, but like I disclaimed: unedited, unfiltered, and disorganized thoughts. I will also say that this is all based on my headcanons and many headcanons that I love and accept from @deathdaydungeon because my god, are those headcanons wholesome, whether they be from asks or from the blogger. So, hope you didn’t die on me yet.

#snapeloveposts #sneep #snape #headcanon #imagine #slytherin #day 6 #eileen prince #tobias snape #snape's parents #wow this did get long #I wonder how long I can go on about this #lmao too long

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junker-town · 7 years ago

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NFL Dad, Week 7: You can’t fight the Pumpkin Industrial Complex

Every week, our NFL Dad tries to watch the full slate of RedZone Channel action while parenting two toddlers. This week: costume parties, pumpkins, and a distinct lack of drama.

I don’t care for the annual pumpkin craze, but I refuse to harsh anyone’s pumpkin high. I won’t rail against pumpkin spice lattes, I won’t scoff at pumpkin beers, and I won’t even make an official statement against pumpkin yogurt pretzels or pumpkin smoothies. I believe that apples are the better seasonal food, but taste is subjective (even if you don’t recognize that “pumpkin” flavor is just clove and cinnamon). Regardless, your pumpkin habit doesn’t affect my enjoyment of autumn.

This mindset is probably why I went along with my wife’s desire to go to a pumpkin patch on Saturday. Yes, my daughter already went apple-picking, but my son (almost 18 months) had never been to a pumpkin patch, so we needed to give him that experience. Could we buy a slightly overpriced pumpkin at the nearby farmer’s market? Sure, but that would be easy.

Instead, because we live in a dumb city unfit for parents and car owners, we rent a Zipcar for the morning, drive 90 minutes to a Long Island pumpkin patch that serves 4 million New Yorkers eager to avoid driving to a REAL farm in the Hudson Valley, fail to take a picture of the two kids in the pumpkins together, and survive an epic in-car meltdown from my daughter before hitting standstill traffic on the way back to the city. Oh, and my son slept for 20 minutes in the car, ruining his afternoon nap.

BUT AT LEAST WE GOT PUMPKINS! PRECIOUS MEMORIES AND TWO PUMPKINS FOR THE LOW LOW PRICE OF FIVE HOURS OF UNHAPPY CHILDREN. FIVE F**KING STARS, WOULD WASTE MY TIME AGAIN.

Pumpkins are dumb flavorless squashes and I hate them.

EARLY GAMES, FIRST HALF

— The Saints-Packers matchup, which SHOULD be a Drew Brees-Aaron Rodgers shootout, will instead be a referendum on Brett Hundley in his first pro start. In the rain. WOOF.

Early in the game, Hundley draws the Saints offsides for a free play, but underthrows Davante Adams deep. It illuminates the problem with anyone who backs up Aaron Rodgers: even if they’ve learned his tricks of the trade, they don’t have the sheer talent to produce the same magic that he does. (The drive ends with an Aaron Jones sprint up the gut of the defense. 7-0, Green Bay.)

— The Rams, playing the Cardinals in London, are wearing their white-and-gold uniforms with the white horns on the helmets. Such an awful look. Anything reminiscent of the St. Louis era should be burned in a Dumpster YES EVEN KURT WARNER.

But for real, just wear the blue and yellow every week. It looks way better.

— Green Bay intercepts Brees in the end zone, but when I wake up from my nap the Saints have fought back to tie the game at seven. Briefly, anyway: Hundley runs it in to reclaim the lead and get his first Lambeau Leap.

— The Jaguars are stomping the Colts 17-0. There’s not much to say here, except Leonard Fournette isn’t playing and T.J. Yeldon looks capable in his stead. There’s nothing about the Jacoby Brissett offense that suggests it’s built to overcome a three-score lead against a very good defense. I’m happy to write this one off — and judging by the TV coverage, so is RedZone.

— Jameis Winston is playing with a sprained AC joint, and he looks off-target. Well, more off-target than usual. He underthrows one receiver, then throws off-target on a screen before getting strip-sacked. That tomahawk chop couldn’t have felt good on his injured shoulder.

— With the Bears up two scores, Mitchell Trubisky runs to the left on third and goal and dives for pylon. It’s ruled a touchdown initially, but overturned on review. Facing 4th and goal less than a yard out, John Fox opts to kick a field goal like the big ol’ coward he is.

Now, I’m getting ahead of myself in the diary, but I don’t want to talk about the Bears again, so let’s just get this dumb team out of the way. The Bears will go on to win thanks to Eddie Jackson’s two defensive touchdowns, which might make Chicago fans ignore the inherent John Fox-ness of their team’s play. I won’t hear any results-based defense of this trash team. Look at this!

The Bears are the first team to win a game while completing less than 5 passes since the 2011 Broncos. Tim Tebow was the QB of that team. http://pic.twitter.com/0RuRQYQDo3

— FOX Sports: NFL (@NFLonFOX) October 22, 2017

This is the drive chart of a team that won today. http://pic.twitter.com/UrjQyCEZUN

— Football Perspective (@fbgchase) October 22, 2017

The Bears earned zero first downs in the second half and became the first NFL team to win with fewer than five completed passes since ... the last time John Fox coached in the NFL. I’d rather have a block of cement coach my team.

— My daughter is up from her nap. She asks what’s happening on the TV. “The Browns are the brown team with orange helmets,” I say. “The Titans are the white team with blue pants. I like the Titans’ uniforms better. What do you think?”

She pauses for a moment. “I like the orange!” Such a shame that I have to disown her now.

— Todd Gurley freezes the Cardinals’ D with a jump-stop at line of scrimmage, then scampers around the left edge for a touchdown.

.@TG3II gets around the edge and is IN for SIX. #LARams http://pic.twitter.com/PMgvFG23T7

— NFL (@NFL) October 22, 2017

That possession came as a result of a Carson Palmer interception thrown while he got hit. Palmer seems unlikely to return (UPDATE: broken arm, he’s out 8 weeks), so we can go ahead and cross “Cardinals comeback” off the list. I’ve seen the Drew Stanton Show before.

— DeShone Kizer throws a pick that gets caught on the Titans’ 11-yard line. I have never in my life seen a quarterback commit red zone turnovers like this. He’s like the anti-Mariota.

That realization gives this useless field goal battle some semblance of meaning: Kizer and Mariota are diametrically opposed forces drawn together, as if they’re in a superhero movie like Unbreakable or Hancock. (Speaking of Unbreakable, shouts out to Sam Bradford, the undisputed Mr. Glass of the NFL.)

— With the Dolphins backed up to their own goal line, Jay Cutler throws an interception off a deflected pass. The Jets punch it in for a 21-14 lead. This game has been wildly entertaining throughout the first half, but I’m not wired to accept these teams playing an entertaining game.

— The Rams score another touchdown, this time on a Jared Goff read-option keeper. They’re up 20-0 near the end of the half, and Drew Stanton will have 40 seconds to throw an interception and give the Rams another chance to score.

Stanton’s first throw on the next drive: a pick directly to a Rams defender. I swear this is not some ex post facto insight I’ve edited in; I’ve just watched Drew Stanton before. So has the First Down France account:

Quelle honte Stanton. Scandaleux

— NFL France (@FirstDownFR) October 22, 2017

Scandaleux indeed! Greg Zuerlein kicks a 53-yarder, and the Rams go into halftime up 23-0.

EARLY GAMES, SECOND HALF

— I’m not usually in the business of highlighting irrelevant three-yard catches, but Christian McCaffrey warrants an exception:

.@run__cmc only needs ONE hand. WOW. #KeepPounding http://pic.twitter.com/lg8V13659I

— NFL (@NFL) October 22, 2017

Lots of masturbation jokes to be made in that tweet there. Not that I would think about them, because I am VERY MATURE. Father of young children over here.

(*audibly farts and tells the kids it’s a “barking spider”*)

— My wife is taking our kids to a Halloween-ish birthday party, which means costumes are welcome but not mandatory. My son will be a shark, my daughter will be a ghost, and my wife will be harried and stressed out.

I help my daughter into the stroller and put her shoes on, then assist my wife as she loads my son into our carrier (we like the flexibility and simplicity of the Beco carrier, in case you’ve made the mistake of having children and need a recommendation).

And then, at 2:51 p.m. Eastern time: They’re gone. My apartment is completely quiet except for the TV. I am tempted to sleep, to eat and drink everything in the house, to get on my bike and ride in the sunshine ... but I just keep watching RedZone. The whole premise of me missing the party is that I have to work.

So, I stay and watch Joe Thomas tear his triceps, leading to the first missed snap of his career. After 10,363 consecutive snaps, the NFL’s ironman exits the game. And on such a promising Browns team!

Jay Cutler’s consecutive sourpuss streak is safe.

— In Miami, Jay Cutler has also left the game with an injury, though his consecutive sourpuss streak is safe.

— I take my dog for a walk. Stella is a Rottweiler mix that I adopted three or four years before I met my wife, and the dog loves me despite the way I’ve filled her living space with small humans that don’t give adequate belly rubs and suck up the attention that used to go to her.

While outside, we run into a family that dog-sat Stella once, and she nuzzles them all and wags her nub fervently. I leave her outside while I duck into a grocery to buy a tallboy (prep for the Seahawks game), and when I come back she lies down on the pavement and rolls onto her side. No walking until she gets her belly rub.

I say a lot how fulfilling parenthood is (and it is!), but for the record: My life was also pretty kickass when it was just me and Stella.

— I return from the walk and look at my computer while catching up. Something about my TV seems blurry, like the players are in regular definition. Then I notice that I’m getting more Jets-Dolphins than I’ve seen all day. Is RedZone EVER going to show this O.J. Howard touchdown I’m reading about on Twitter?

And then I realize: I’m watching the local CBS feed of the Jets game. I must have pressed “2” with an inadvertent nudge of the remote. I feel like I should get some kind of detox or vaccination.

DOCTOR: And how long were you exposed to Jets-Dolphins?

ME: I dunno, maybe 10 minutes?

DOCTOR: OK, this should be fairly routine — [reads chart]. REGULAR DEFINITION?!?!

ME: Is that bad?

[alarm sounds] [lights flash]

DOCTOR: [on the phone] Yes sir, we’re locking down the wing to contain the infection.

— In order to justify my beautiful peace and quiet, I start folding laundry, which is by far and away the WORST chore. I thought laundry couldn’t get worse, then I had kids. “Oh, you hate folding laundry? What if you had to do it more often and everything was five times smaller?” If we could afford simple luxuries, the very first thing I’d throw money at would be a laundry service.

— With less than a minute left in regulation, the Browns are attempting a 54-yard field goal to tie a 9-6 game. What a sorry-ass state of affairs. Welp, it’s good. The Browns are celebrating, but why? What is there to celebrate when the result is additional Browns football?

[clapping in Roger Goodell’s face after every word] BAN REGULAR SEASON OVERTIME AND SEND TEAMS HOME WITH TIES.

— Cooper Kupp scores a touchdown on a screen to make it 33-0 in London. I know Kupp played college ball at Eastern Washington, but that’s a Big XII name if I’ve ever seen one. Whenever I see his name I just start making white person word salad with it until I come back to his name. Like this:

Coop Cooper

Scooper Coop

Copper Kopp

Pooker Puck

Pucker Pork

Rucker Corp

Kurper Carp

Cooper Kupp

Ahhhhh, that feels so nice in my brain. The only NFL name that’s better for that game is Blake Bortles.

— There are three tied games as the early slate winds down: Jets-Dolphins, Bucs-Bills, and the trash fire in Cleveland. In reverse order:

1. The Browns and Titans feebly do nothing for most of overtime before Mariota finally gets his team into field goal range. Ryan Succop hits a 47-yarder to end this miserable affair 12-9.

2. After a LeSean McCoy touchdown tied the game at 27, it looked like the Bucs would have a chance to win the game — except Adam Humphries coughs up the ball and the Bills recover in field goal range. Steven Hauschka hits a 30-yarder with 14 seconds left to win the game, but not before the Bucs pull off the longest, most competent failed lateralpalooza in NFL history.

The final play today in Buffalo... #TBvsBUF http://pic.twitter.com/2Raz5eyFNu

— NFL (@NFL) October 22, 2017

3. Josh McCown attempts to lead the Jets on a game-winning drive. Pretend you didn’t see this game or any highlights: Given that setup, how do you think this ends?

If you said, “McCown interception” without thinking, congratulations: You have seen NFL games before. The announcer scoffs, “15 years [in the league], you shouldn’t make that mistake.” Yeah, no shit. But that’s the result you deserve when “political activism” is a disqualifying factor in your quarterback search.

Cody Parkey kicks the game-winner for the Dolphins. Cardy Poker. Coder Party. Parker Podey. Porky Corder. Corky Pordy. Cody Parker. Ahhhh.

LATE GAMES, FIRST HALF

— In Santa Clara, the Niners fumble a punt return, giving Dallas a short field. Zeke Elliott punches it in, and folks, I don’t think the home team’s gonna be able to overcome this 7-0 deficit. It’s just too big a hole with too little time.

— The Seahawks are at the Giants this week, which means I have the relatively rare luxury of watching the local broadcast, which in turn means that this column is gonna kind of suck from here on out. I promise to flip to RedZone during commercials!

(Last week, the Seahawks were on bye, and I didn’t mention that stupid team’s name ONCE in the entire column. I never enjoy the NFL as much as when Seattle doesn’t play.)

— The late games I’ll be mostly ignoring: Cowboys-49ers, Bengals-Steelers, and Broncos-Chargers. I click over during commercial, and there’s Antonio Brown scoring on a slant. Like clockwork. It’s 7-0 Steelers.

— Last season, a lot of people made fun of Ben McAdoo for wearing a giant, oversized windbreaker. Seeing him this season, it’s now clear that he chose the XXL with the intent to fill it out. I’m not trying to fat-shame anyone; I love a coach with a longterm vision.

I won’t make fun of anyone’s perceived weight gain, but I definitely WILL make fun of McAdoo’s sunglasses and hair and game-planning and everything else about him, because he’s a total herb who can’t coach.

— It’s so quiet in this apartment. So calm. My favorite team is on television, and I am drinking a beer and watching them without any children vying for my attention. This is nice. I like it? Yes, I like it.

But I also kinda miss the chaos. Not the chaos itself, but my ability to lessen it. If my son falls and cries, I can pick him up and soothe him. But if the Seahawks have ten plays inside the 11-yard line and come away with zero points because they throw a goddamn FADE on fourth down and JIMMY GRAHAM DROPS IT, there’s not a goddamn thing I can do about it. At least parenting offers a tiny piece of self-determination.

-- I wonder what my kids are doing, but, like, only during commercials. If my wife ever leaves me, she should do it during a Seahawks game. Automatic three-hour head start.

— Jason Witten makes a SPECTACULAR one-handed TD grab.

.@JasonWitten ONE HAND TOUCHDOWN CATCH! Beautiful. #DallasCowboys http://pic.twitter.com/nMWkMOIr6W

— NFL (@NFL) October 22, 2017

What a great catch by a tight end! Isn’t that right, JIMMY GRAHAM??!?

— Juju Smith-Schuster gets wide open for a touchdown, then celebrates with hide-and-seek.

Come for the @TeamJuJu TD catch. But stay for Hide & Seek. #HereWeGo http://pic.twitter.com/YDaoE7SMeJ

— NFL (@NFL) October 22, 2017

This is a perfectly fine celebration, but I also think a lot of fans are being too laudatory of anything that flies in the face of the old, crappy rules against celebrations. Like, hide-and-seek is a children’s game. The other week, Kyle Rudolph celebrated with a game of Duck, Duck, Goose/Grey Duck. Are we really going to think it’s cool or funny if players dance in a circle and sing “Ring Around the Rosie”? Trust me: As a man who has sung “Ring Around the Rosie” and fallen down two dozen times in the last three days, it’s not that great.

Ditch the kids’ games and come at me with something that rivals Colombia’s team salsa dance. I am not a crank.

— Thomas Rawls fumbles directly into Landon Collins’ arms. Collins returns the ball some 30-odd yards to set up a red zone possession for the Giants, whose offense suddenly comes to life to score in two plays. Evan Engram scores the touchdown on a play in which Eli Manning play-faked to no one. Cool. Cool cool cool.

I change into sweatpants. There is a knot in the jaw muscle near my temple.

— I get a text from wife. They’re leaving in about 15 minutes. Is she sure? Does she want to stay out a little later? Go ahead, let them play with their friends a little longer. They can stay up late and have some more cake. Bring ‘em back around 8:00. No?

— Doug Baldwin is briefly taken over by the collective spirit of Seahawks Twitter and shoves Tom Cable, the offensive line coach largely blamed as the root of the team’s horrid line play.

The full story comes out later: Baldwin was trying to make sure that Russell Wilson was being heard by the players; the wideout wanted the emphasis to be on the players’ failure to execute, not the coaches’ calls. He even apologized to Cable and said he loves him.

Which, as a Seahawks fan, I guess is fine. But I also would have been OK with Wilson and Baldwin saying, “It’s him or us.”

— Good night, Dre Kirkpatrick:

The Bengals are 100% losing this game. You don’t recover from that.

— Zeke Elliott scores his third touchdown of the day, a 72-yard catch and run that puts the 49ers to bed.

LATE GAMES, SECOND HALF

— I run a bath and heat up the kids’ dinner. It’s a little after 6:00 p.m., and we’re going to have to hustle to keep the kids on schedule for their 7:00 bedtime.

My sister had kids years before I did, and I was the typical ignorant drunk uncle when it came to her devotion to the kids’ naps and schedule. “What’s with the schedule? Why can’t the kids just power through this one time?” Because the schedule is GOD, man! The schedule is all-powerful. It is the weather; it is the earth beneath your feet. Reject it and your life will be untethered from reality, a nonstop maelstrom of tears and tantrums.

We had dinner with friends on Saturday night, and ended up putting the kids to bed at 8:30 instead of 7:00. And my son was WRECKED the next morning, an absolute disaster until we put him down for a nap almost two hours earlier than usual.

— Uh, the Chargers are up 14-0 over the Broncos? The AFC West is a spooky-ass house of mirrors.

— With 14:03 in the 3rd quarter, the Giants get their first third down conversion in the game. Manning now has 29 yards passing. The next time I complain about watching the Seahawks offense, please remind me that the Giants exist.

— Around 6:20 p.m., just as my family returns, the Seahawks offense finally gets its touchdown:

The touch on this @DangeRussWilson TD pass... #Seahawks http://pic.twitter.com/raQqkTDpVi

— NFL (@NFL) October 22, 2017

The touch on that pass is what stands out on first watch, but do yourself a favor and watch the ankle-breaking move that gets Baldwin a free release from the slot.

— I’m as anti-Steelers as a fan can get, but I respect the hell out of any coach who attempts rude shit to stomp on a division rival. TO WIT: With the Steelers up two scores, Mike Tomlin dials up a fake punt on 4th and 7 to ice the game.

FAKE PUNT ALERT! #HereWeGo http://pic.twitter.com/wFxTkTqxjo

— NFL (@NFL) October 22, 2017

What an absolutely shitty thing to do. I love it!

— Speaking of disrespect, the Seahawks even the turnover battle with a strip-sack of Manning, and the first play they run on offense is this:

.@prichiejr goes ALL the way up to make the grab. Wow. Touchdown, @Seahawks! #Seahawks http://pic.twitter.com/7jvzLhruFx

— NFL (@NFL) October 22, 2017

It’s slightly underthrown by Wilson, which gives Landon Collins JUST enough time to make a play on the ball, but the simultaneous possession gives the Seahawks a touchdown. If I learned anything from the Fail Mary, it’s that a tie goes to the runner.

— We put the kids down at 7:25, and bedtime goes as smoothly and drama-free as each of the four late games.

Aside from the Seahawks result, I can’t say that I liked today better than the usual pandemonium of being NFL Dad. Given the choice, I’ll take the chaos and love of fatherhood over the quiet stress of being totally focused on my team. Both would be nice, of course, but that would mean more Seattle games in primetime. And I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

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