#I have an autoimmune disease and I'm staying more at home because of that than any other colleague

[thequeerlibrarian]

.

[freya-fallen]

Life Happens

Sometimes all at once

I would normally put parts of this in author notes, but it's going to get a bit long. So instead I'm making a post and sharing the link for anyone who cares to read about why I have been AFK for the past month especially.

i went through a depression in June/July/August but continued mostly posting. Then on the morning of September 3, I woke to a message about my pregnant sister being rushed to have an emergency c-section.

In April, upon finding out she was pregnant, my sister told me as a late birthday present-- I am almost always one of the first people to know about her pregnancies. She kept this one quiet for quite a while-- didn't announce it until his birth actually. That's because she and her husband and their little family of four children-- three boys and a girl-- were working through the news as a family. Little J, the baby, was diagnosed in utero with trisomy 1 (Downs syndrome) and they wanted to be prepared to answer questions when people asked.

Downs often comes with many medical issues and they were also awaiting more testing.

Little J was born at exactly 29 weeks gestation. Since then he's had no fewer than 4 blood transfusions, been on a ventilator, had a brain bleed... my sister developed post-natal preeclampsia.

I stayed with the family for a week and all of my extra money has been going toward helping them as they go back and forth to the hospital to spend time with the older kids and with J.

I got home and got sick immediately with the flu, which I knew was a possibility because my sister's household was recovering from it and I have an autoimmune disease. Even one live flu germ can do it.

That developed into bronchitis. As I was on the mend from that I received word my metamour's (partner of my partner) and good friend's grandmother had died. They asked me six months or so ago if I would be there for them when it happened, so I got on a plane (masked) the next day and I've been in the UK since.

I've written a GFM for my sister which is being disseminated on my social medias. I'm also looking into taking up commissions specifically to bring them in more money.

Things for my friend have not been going well. Their father is homophobic and controlling and has banned anyone they might bring with them for safety from the funeral, so they have decided not to go lest he cause a scene while they are isolated.

And they have gotten on me about writing, still caring that I take care of the parts of myself I have been neglecting. We made it a point to buy bribery chocolate for me while I'm here, so I'll be trying to write during this wonderful darktober. i already have something planned.

Anyway, there you have it. Why I've not had the spoons to be around.

[neon-green-reagent]

You don't have to read this. I'm just having a rough time. A health and money rough time, which is such a double whammy, and I just had to get it out.

It feels like this was entirely out of nowhere, but I guess it wasn't. I've had hip pain for a while now. It's on and off. Like it would get aggravated, then heal, then aggravated again. I finally got an answer about that. I have old age problems. In my spine mostly. One of those things most Tumblr users truly won't understand and will go pale over as they sit comfortably in their 20s and 30s.

And like okay. Fine. My spine's melting slowly over time. That happens to lots of people. My age is usually when it starts. But also it suddenly hurts a lot. In the last two weeks, it got way worse all at once. I bent over, something wrenched, and since then I've been kinda fucked. The MRI showed that whole spine melting thing, which is supposed to be gradual, but also a bulging disc, and that's probably what I did right there. I slipped something out of place.

So the problem is... All this test taking happened because I had some blood tests that made it look like I had an autoimmune disease. So I went to the specialist you see for that: a rheumatologist. She ruled out basically everything, and when my MRI came back, she said welp! That's not my field! And waved goodbye and offered me nothing beyond that.

I went to a spine specialist, and they offered options. All of which were vaguely scary. Take a pill everyday. Get a shot in your back. Get physical therapy. So I said can I get some physical therapy? And they said yes. That's happening in about two and a half weeks. The problem is, since I made this decision, the back pain has flared to a new level.

Now when I get done with a day of work, no matter how low impact it was, I'm in pain. Two ibuprofen? What are you, NINE? No, we need at least four at a time. My already terrible GI tract is really hating this, by the way. Last night, for the first time, the pain woke me. I couldn't get comfortable. I couldn't lie in any position that didn't hurt. I was EXHAUSTED and couldn't sleep because the pain was too much.

So now I've stayed home from work, icing my back, taking four ibuprofen at a time, getting emails from my supervisor, still in pain, looking at a future with possible surgery in it and wondering you know... What happens if I can't walk? What happens if the pain won't stop and I can't sleep? How will I afford these procedures and specialists?

Because wanna know the other thing that happened? My car died. I had to replace it in a rather emergency fashion. So that was pretty much all the money I had saved up and a new car payment hanging over my head. My health insurance is... not the worst but far from the best. That MRI was covered by most of it, but I still have to pay a portion. So I may not be able to get the care I need at this point.

I'm feeling really overwhelmed and alone. Everyone in my immediate family has passed away. Everyone in my extended family is not interested in helping me out and are hyper religious to boot and do NOT know certain things about me. Keeping them at a distance is for the best. Everyone around me is getting their ass thoroughly kicked by inflation. There's not a lot of hope here. I'm trying very hard not to look at this pain as "this is my life now", where I can't sit for more than 15 minutes at a time and can barely sleep. But, hell, it might be.

The hopeful part... I'm trying to get my general doctor to fill out some paperwork that will make work easier on a lot of levels until I can figure out what I'm doing. So, you know, when I call in my supervisor can't email me and make me feel like shit, that sort of thing. And the physical therapy I'll be getting truly is the most highly recommended first course of action when dealing with something like this. But I sort of wish that specialist hadn't brushed me off after I just received a pretty scary test result. Because now I feel ignored and alone. And I really wish my car had made it a few more months, because now I'm broke, too.

TLDR: I'm broke, my back hurts, and it all sucks.

[anonymous-swiftie]

If you are on twitter, please retweet this:

https://twitter.com/ASwiftie00/status/1334245577933148164?s=19

Dear #Swifties,

I'm new on tumblr, and I really don't know how to use it.

I know you are the best supporters of the music industry and I'm here to ask your help.

I'm fighting with a crippling depression, that due this covid situation just got worse.

I'm at my lowest, I truly don't know if I will make it through this time.

I always dreamed to talk to Taylor, since I was a teenager. She is the only one that make me feel like I do fit in this world.

I've created this account because I know she is very active here, and I'm trying to reach her with this part of my story.

You can read everything below.

I didn't write any personal information because I don't want this to be seen by my family or somebody that can recognise me.

I don't want upset anyone.

I know that everyone hope to meet or chat with her, and so you are probably wondering why you have to share this here.

You're totally right, maybe it's a stupid idea to ask you this, but I haven't anything left in my pocket to fight this situation, and you're my only hope right now.

Thank you.

#taylor #swift

*******************************************

Dear Taylor,

I keep writing and deleting this, over and over again.

I feel so dumb to write my personal story here, but this truly is my last chance to feel better and try to overcome this giant monster called depression.

I genuinly don't know if I can make it through this year. It's the worst period of my entire life and i don't even know if it's worth living this hell anymore.

I know you have millions of supporters (that probably write you every single day, and they are all better fans than I am, that's for sure) but I know that you proved, time after time, to be so down to earth and to use your time to read your fans messages.. so, in this moment, I'm just trying to share a part of my story with you.

You are the one that make feel understood, since I was like 13teen.

I'm so sorry if my English isn't very good but I'll do my best.

I'm not very active on social media , because I'm very shy when I have to talk about myself.. but If this could work, I must do it.

I will try to send a letter, If I can find the strength to mark this feeling on paper.

**IF I'M WRITING TO SOMEBODY FROM HER STAFF, PLEASE JUST LET THIS MESSAGE REACH TAYLOR**

I'll try now to resume, because I don't want to bother you too much.

This has been a crazy year so far, and the all the time I spent by myself during the lockdown didn't help at all.

This situation brought me back to childhood.

I spent a lot of my days back and forth in hospitals, due to my allergies.

I had to wear a mask all the time I wanted to go outside to avoid severe allergic reaction (that's why this Covid thing awakened some hurting memories)

I didn't have real friends back then, 'cause I've spent most of the summers at home, watching other kids playing around, from my window, or from the windows of my classroom.

It was so hard to make new friends, because the only thing that other kids saw was my mask.

I was the masked kid.

I was the strange kid.

I couldn't play with them.

Everytime I tried to play with them, the only thing I heard was "oh you are ill , I don't wanna be like you so stay away".

This situation made me start to write things in my personal diary.

I wrote small sentences, as a kid, and that was the only thing I could do alone inside an empty classroom during all summer.

This situation continued  for many years.

I wasn't the cool kid before, I wasn't the cool guy after.

The only things that let me enjoy those days were writing and listening to your songs.

I started to listen to your music thanks to my English teacher. She was a fan of folk and country music and she gave me a pic in which you were singing near a lake (I still have that photo somewhere, I strongly remember the white banner with your name written in red on it) and told me to listen to the cd she gave me that day.

I immediately fell in love (I think I still have a crush on you, I'm sorry).

I loved your album. I loved your voice. I loved the lyrics.

I remember having a "test" in school: each one of the class had to write their favourite lyrics and let the others guess the song.

If the someone guessed It, We could play the cd.

I chose Love Story and I translated it in Italian.

The class guessed the song, and I played it.

After the lunch break I went back to my desk and I saw some bullies that were breaking my cd-album and they started to laugh at me because I loved your music an I loved writing poems.

I was a boy so I was a loser because I enjoyed those things.

That felt terrible, but I continued to love your songs even more .

Those were my inspiration to write and to study english.

I felt so good when I listened to your album and this still happens.

Then I went to a private high-school.

Nothing changed, I still was the nerd guy that always got good grades and I have to say that the first year was quite good, but the second year was the start of the apocalypse.

I choose that school because two girls that I knew from childhood went there.

One of the cool new guys started to spread a fake "news" about me.

He said to everyone that I was the boyfriend of one of the two girls that I mentioned before.

So he was the cool guy and one of the girls believed him and told me to f*** myself.

The other girl was her best friend, so you could imagine by what happened next.

After 14 year spent together, I was nobody.

I didn't have "friends" in that class anymore.

I didn't say hello to anybody for 4 years, and nobody would say anything to me.

Nobody to talked with me.

That's great when you're a teenager.

I hated to wake up every morning.

I had an eating disorder, I lost like 22pounds in less than a month. Got hospitalized twice. I kept vomiting for 3 years, every single morning before school.

During that time I only talked with one of my cousins, who lived like 2 hours by car from me.

He was older than me but he always tried to help.

He knew that I loved to write poems so he started to give me guitar lessons.

I made it through a lot of things thanks to him.

I'm sorry, It's hard for me to write this part of the story.

I still get emotional when I think about this.

On the 10TH of December 2013 (some days after his birthday) we received a phone call from his mother: She warned us that he didn't return home after the last working shift.

I wrote a message to him like 3 hours prior to that phone call.

Never had the opportunity to get a reply again.

This year is the seventh year that he is missing.

That destroyed me.

I felt empty.

I felt like nothing couldn't help me.

I still feel that everytime I care about someone in my life, it will disappear someday.

This have happened several other times.

You know when ignorants say that men don't cry, is real bullshit. Men cry. I cried a lot.

I wrote so many poems , lyrics, thoughts in that period of time, that I destroyed my hands.

That was the only way to close my eyes and let me reach another reality because the real one was way too much for me.

Be a sensible man in this world is somehow a curse.

All these things made me afraid  even to hug someone 'cause I feel I'm too ugly or just to scared to be refused.

I will stop here my story, but there's so much more to tell.

I make it through all of these things and memories because I keep dreaming that one day I could meet you and we could talk together.

Dreaming about the fact I could spend a day with you made me find the power to battle my depression.

I'm 25 now and this year I'm not dreaming anymore.

I was going to start again university, I wanted to get a degree in marketing and have the chance to live in the us.

For years I believed that I would make it and hopefully be part of your marketing team.

I'm so stupid. All these years I kept dreaming to avoid pain.

I wanted to pursue my passion and continue to write lyrics but all I was doing was putting myself in unrealistic realities.

This covid situation made everything clear.

When everyone had someone to facetime (or video call) I was alone.

When everyone had someone asking them "how are you?" I only had myself looking in the mirror saying: "Will I ever feel better?"

I've never been the one for anybody, and I think I'll never be.

I won't be the one among all your fans to realize his dream.

Nobody likes me, and I'm exposing myself once again just because I want the opportunity to smile at something that could happen to me.

I'm tired to smile only for others best moments.

I've always seen the sun through a window.

I want to feel happy.

I want to burn my face with the sun.

I'm so sick of hiding my pain,

sick to cry when I'm alone in my car before going to work,

sick to let my eyes rain on my pillow every night.

I'm sick to say to my mother that I'm fine, just because I don't want to make her feel bad.

It's not her fault.

She is battling with a degenerative autoimmune disease, why I should put other weight on her shoulders?

I didn't give up to my weakness before because I don't want to hurt her.

I always say to her that soon she will feel better, that's why your song It's stuck in my head.

But when she won't be here anymore, how I can go through all of that?

I don't even know if will ever get better for me.

Will this pain ever stop?

Sometimes it's so hard to live and so easy to die.

Hope that my dream to spend some time with you can become true.

Thank you for everything, you gave me the strength to go on for many years.. But this time is so hard to put on my armor and continue this battle.

But is this even worth if thy I try to surround myself with people and I always feel lonely?

D.

@taylorswift @taylornation @jackleopards-thedolphinclub

[nawilla]

Yesterday something expected happened and what was extraordinary is how long it took to happen.

Yesterday, someone I actually know in real life was diagnosed with Covid-19 and said so.

I'm sure the conspiracy nutcases would be all over that, telling me the virus is no big deal and that it's all a government conspiracy. And to that I say you really don't know what my life is like and why this shows that vaccines work.

I am an essential worker in biomedical research in a building attached to a research hospital. The university I work for did not screw around. In person classes were shut down. I spent the first 3 months going to work alone and seeing no one. I've spent the time since seeing the same 10 or so people and rarely others. Our employer requires us to wear masks and use hand sanitizer and not come in if we are sick. Some of my coworkers are medical doctors, so our compliance level is high, because if we get So-and-So sick, they won't be available to treat patients. Very high compliance. We are scientists who have to walk through a hospital daily to do our jobs, the doctors we work with report that every day they work in the renal clinic, there are patients that die of Covid-19. We all got our vaccines when we were eligible and our employer is requiring it going forward. Very high compliance.

I ride the bus to get to work. Bus drivers in my city refuse service and will not allow boarding if you don't wear a mask. People still try to argue it. There have been drivers who died. They don't screw around.

And then there is my family. My nuclear family are . . . cats. Indoor cats (one begrudgingly). They are my bubble. The other person in my bubble is Fake Grandma, who also lives with pets, has limited contacts, and who I visit once a week for shopping and lunch, and when we are not eating, we wear masks. When the restaurants shut down we stayed home and talked on the phone.

I have not seen any of my extended family since before this started. My parents died years before all this, my sister lives states away, none live in my state or in any neighboring states, and the ones most likely to be infected (poor, uneducated, smokers) I am estranged from for unrelated reasons. I do have relatives refusing to vaccinate (some in New York, the morons) but they are mostly retired and are being shut ins. My bubble is small, and is mostly composed of people who believe in science, understand the nature and limits of vaccines and are compliant.

One of my coworkers (and his wife) came down with Covid-19 this week (Dec 1st, 2021). This does not show us that vaccines don't work, it shows us they do. Why? Because this person, despite his infection, was able to tell us about it during an online meeting. He was able to breathe (with a mask in hopes his kid doesn't get it), speak, think critically, take notes and offer to do some data analysis from home. He doesn't expect to need to be hospitalized or put on a ventilator or have his boss be the last person he sees before he's sedated because his boss is a medical doctor. He's probably going to be back to work when he is cleared. Because he got vaccinated and vaccines work, even if people still get infected.

I myself haven't had a cold since this all started between hand sanitizer and wearing masks and having no contact with people. Usually I get one cold and a bout of bronchitis every year. Instead I've just had chronic allergies. I was vaccinated. I suspect I have suboptimal lungs (I was a premature infant born in the 70s with a lifelong lack of stamina). If I get this virus, it could kill me quickly despite not having a diagnosis beyond being fat. I got my vaccine.

I didn't do this blindly. I have a strong family history of lupus. (As in male relatives diagnosed and people who died of it, and more than one and others with less severe autoimmune disease.) I don't get flu shots because I am not around vulnerable people and the lupus history outweighs the benefits. If I lived with vulnerable people, that would change. I got my Covid vaccine as soon as I was eligible and for a long time I was not. I got my second shot.

I don't know if I will get the booster. I reacted strongly to the second shot, with extreme swelling, redness and itching at the injection site. I took pictures. I will bring those pictures when I go for my booster to ask the professionals if I should have a booster or not, because I've had swelling before from tetanus shots and was told not to get them again. This may be the family history of immune reaction at work, and I really may not need a booster. Making an educated choice isn't "researching on Facebook." Its asking real medical professionals if you have a concern, not skipping it because Donald Trump said so, the vaccine has RNA in it, you have a shellfish allergy or you don't know anyone who has it so it's not real. If you claim you did research, I want you to explain to me what RNA is and where else it can be found and I want to see your vat where you've been developing an alternative vaccine. If you can't, shut up and see a real professional if you don't believe the CDC. Some people shouldn't have the vaccine. Some people shouldn't have the booster. Statistically, you are probably not that person, and you probably lack the education to make that determination yourself. Yes, vaccinated people can still get sick. That's always been true. The hope is that they won't die or survive with lifelong disabilities. Your ancestors who faced the flu epidemic a century ago would have seen this vaccine as a technological miracle and gift from God. Stop ruining it for everyone else because you are too individualistic to comply.

[matthillica]

Pandemic - Day 7 (Weds 3/18/20)

Not even sure where to begin this, suffice to say I've had a nagging feeling over the last few days that I need to document this as we all hurtle toward the unknown.

I haven't touched this blog in almost exactly 10 years, which is crazy to think about. Crazy that something I used to spend so much time agonizing over and pouring thought into has become antiquated and obsolete... only to become the one outlet that makes sense during this crazy time.

Yesterday I set up the Kinect on my Xbox, another obsolete piece of technology. Because I'm a nerd and always have to have the newest, hottest, flamingest shit, I got one of the first Xbox Ones to come out, which came with the second generation of Kinect sensor... you know, the one Microsoft tried to shove down all our throats relentlessly. Anyway, we basically used it as a voice operated remote to browse Netflix. "Xbox, pause" "Xbox, play" "Xbox, rewind"... you know, shit Americans are known for. Anyway, Microsoft eventually gave up the ghost and phased the Kinect out. Mine's been sitting on a shelf gathering dust for at least 2 years.

Now, it's a way (if I can get the damn thing working again) for us to use an outdated Skype app so that we can talk to Grandma on a daily basis. My daughter, Caroline is almost 2 (yes! I have a daughter now and have been married to my wife since September 2015). Grandma is in Kansas, set to move to be with us in Atlanta as soon as her house sells. She was supposed to come visit us 3/27, but it's looking like that won't happen now. I told her if she was able to get in the car TODAY and make the 14 hour drive, stopping only for gas and to sleep in her car, that she's welcome to come stay with us and ride this thing out. Tearfully, she told me she needed to stay in case someone wants to come look at the house.

Honestly, it's going to be safer for her there anyway. McPherson has around 15,000 people. Meanwhile Atlanta is set to blow with this virus and cases have started to double overnight. It's hard to know how many there really are simply because there's a shortage of testing. Personally, I think by this weekend, our healthcare system is going to be in the grips of the worst crisis it's ever seen.

I should also mention that my wife has some autoimmune health issues that are pretty unique. She suffers from Schmidt's Syndrome which is a combination of Addison's Disease and Hypothyroidism. It's something that can be managed with a daily regimen of drugs, but is a serious condition that can be exacerbated by illness. The story of her diagnosis and the things we went through to get to it could fill a book at this point. I have taken more trips to the ER in the last 5 years than I care to mention and many of them have been triggered by illness, whether that's a common flu or something given to my wife by Caroline from her daycare or mastitis... even the slightest thing can send her into adrenal crisis, which immediately requires a trip to the ER.

So... as you can probably guess... I'm pretty fuckin nervous about all this. Luckily, I have been quietly prepping and watching this story develop, so we have plenty of food, water, and meds to get us through the next 60-90 days. My concern is that if my wife catches this, which she probably will, we may need a trip to the ER... and that's the last place on earth I want to be right now or for the forseeable future.

I should ALSO also mention... my wife is 13 weeks pregnant with our second child. This means that now, not only do we get to navigate our way through a pandemic AND Schmidt's... but we also have to deal with morning sickness and fatigue, all the while playing the game of "Is this symptom just pregnancy OR is it your Schmidt's OR is it Covid?"

Anyway, the last few days have been rough and we're only at the beginning of this thing. My wife can barely stand due to fatigue. She basically moves from one flat position to the next... shuffling quickly from our bed to a sofa or from the sofa to the kitchen and back as quickly as she can. It's slightly horrifying. I've been trying to cram fluids and food down as much as possible, but it's hard when someone doesn't feel well. I got her a bottle that lights up every 30 min to remind her to drink, but that's not really helped much at all. I grabbed protein shakes from the store in an effort to find something high calorie with vitamins, etc. that she can drink easily. I basically had to hold a gun to her head to make her drink it this morning. I'm equal parts husband and taskmaster. It sucks.

Last night she said she felt the fatigue was getting worse and that it wasn't due to pregnancy. I can connect with her doctors via an app that allows me to send them messages... Laura was too tired last night to do this herself, so I fired off an email to both her endocrinologist and OBGYN. No response.

In preparation for a doctor visit today, which we assumed we'd be able to schedule, we drove to Laura's folks' house so they can watch Caroline while we go to the doc. We tried calling the docs on the way over, but it seems they're already trying to stem the flow of patients. It's worrisome when you're living with someone who has a life-threatening illness to see the system strained already when the worse is yet to come.

Anyway, not long after we got to my in-laws' house, Dr. Patel (endocrinologist) called me directly. After discussing Laura's symptoms with him for about 10 minutes, he said we need to go to the ER so that she can be given fluids via IV. I said, yeah... no I don't want to go there AT ALL. But he said really, we need to go as this is the only way to deliver IV fluids. I thanked him for calling us and he said he'd call back tomorrow to check in.

So... what to do? Do we drive into what we KNOW is a situation that will expose us both to Covid so that she can be given IV fluids and told she needs to eat more, which I can almost guarantee you is what will happen since we've been through this a dozen times before? OR do we do what we can at home, try to see if we can force fluids and food to make her feel better, then reevaluate tomorrow when, in all likelihood, the situation will be even worse at the ERs? Neither is a fantastic choice.

For now, we've decided to stick it out here at her parents and see if we can force the fluids and food for today. At the very least, tomorrow when we wake up if she is still not feeling better, we'll be able to say that we know she's not dehydrated and we know she's had enough food. I know it will be worse at the ER tomorrow, but if going there is a Covid sentence either way, seems like it would be smarter to delay that option as long as possible.

So that's the situation right now. We're all "working from home" at this point. I have a desk set up at home and have grabbed my monitors, so with the exception of the folding table set up in Caroline's playroom, it's just like my normal office setting, basically. It's interesting attending meetings and trying to handle the business-as-usual functions of our jobs while the world around us starts to crack and crumble. I can't help but wonder how long this routine will go on before each one of us is just in 100% survival mode, unable to track or even care about projects that have lost their meaning in the context of this incredible, unbelievable, worldwide crisis.

It's crazy to think that everyone... EVERYONE on EARTH... is living out their own versions of this story, complete with difficult situations to navigate and impossible choices to make. My own drama is consuming all of my mental real estate right now, so my heart is with everyone who is dealing with their own all-consuming drama as well.

Be good to each other over the coming days and weeks. Stay strong and as positive as possible. Take care and stay safe.

-Matt

[nashta]

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to complain or anything

I realize far too many people have it so much worse than I do, and I just need to put this out there or I'll cave in on myself. Also this post is a giant mess and I don't expect anyone to read it. So a few months ago, I started a new job where I'm working on Friday and Saturday until close (0300). My friend who will be moving in this week or next in place of my mom (oh yeah she's leaving the state) is my ride to and from work, and he refuses to pick me up from those two shifts because he works the next morning. Understandable, I guess, but Uber is super expensive like the first ride I had was almost $40. I can't afford that twice a week. Luckily, another friend of mine is saving me and will be my ride home until she goes to boot camp in February. Anyway, I feel lifeless. I'm not eating anything like I should and I have no energy and school is starting soon and I'm under immense amounts of stress and sacrificing more of myself than I have to sacrifice. He complained about the work thing, saying he won't pick me up from that shift, which I kind of get, but he also said he wants his 2 days off to be reliable so he knows that he'll have a day or two to look forward to where he doesn't have to drive or wake up or anything. Again, I get it, but here's the thing: you can't have both. You gotta either give up your guaranteed days off or a couple hours of sleep because I'm already not sleeping much/well, especially with school coming up. A full-time job on top of school that I'm fully responsible for? I will not be sleeping. A big-ass thing, a few months ago when he said he wouldn't pick me up from those shifts, I lashed out and said "how the fuck am I gonna eat with no job?" because yknow, anxiety, and he lashed back "don't you fucking dare try to guilt trip me." I wasn't trying to though, I was honestly just trying to express what my fears were. Literally ever since then, I refuse to tell him anything. I was often told I was a manipulative child, and maybe it's because I was "mature" for a child because manipulation, even after I learned what it was, was never my intent. But now, I can't tell him when something is wrong. I cry after a ton of shifts on the ride home almost the entire ride because honestly I have so much I need to just get OUT (hence this post) and so many things I'm afraid of and things I need him to do or at least listen to and understand. I need a hug and a cry and I need to know I'm safe and things will be fine and that someone gives a legitimate damn about me and my well-being because it really feels like no one in the world cares. Not enough, anyway. At this point now, someone just saying "I care" really isn't going to cut it. I'm not going to believe them, not really. I can consciously tell myself that, I can back it up with evidence and logic and things they've done to "prove" it, but I still won't feel it. He always wants to get home to his place, I understand, he's tired and wants to go, but I'm never okay. I'm so shot, during those times I'm crying in his car for 20 mins I literally just need a real fucking hug and I need to be allowed to cry because I don't make any sound. As soon as I get inside, I break the fuck down like I'm talking drop everything and fall to the floor audibly sobbing, and I'm exaggerating absolutely none of that. I've been afraid to post on this for so long because I know he follows it and reads shit and I'm afraid of what'll happen but honestly I just want to die and the more shit that happens, the more I break and the less I feel and the sooner I'll kill myself so maybe him getting pissed off and so upset with me is for the best. THIS IS A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT @ANYONE/FUTURE ME The reason I'm always crying is that I have things I need to express, but I can't. I'm constantly reminded of that "don't guilt me" thing, and every single thing I need to express is a guilt trip, all of it is a fucking manipulation, and I can't express that feeling because that is ALSO a guilt trip and a fucking manipulation. Telling him what I need and why and how it's fucking with me, that'll possibly make him feel bad, and telling him that I can't tell him shit might also make him feel bad, you see where I'm going with this? He also thinks I'm dramatic and overreacting to shit. My whole body is in pain and simple tasks seem to hurt more than they used to. FUTURE ME, THIS IS ALSO A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT I've expressed some of these things before and he just invalidates them. "Oh you're fine," "you just have hypothermia because you always have the A/C on," "your weight is fine." NO BITCH My temperature at one point hit 94.something. That's dangerous, and while I realize you can get hypothermia from too much A/C, I don't have any of the symptoms and I have too many symptoms of other things that are more likely. My mom is Type 1 brittle diabetic (autoimmune disease) which means being hypoglycemic isn't an out-there theory, I have a lot of symptoms, and it would explain the voodoo doll feeling. Plus hypoglycemia (from what I've read) is often a symptom itself of something else. Having Addison's Disease also isn't all that far off because it is also an autoimmune disease and it attacks internal organs (from what I've read. I'm not a doctor I don't know how likely or unlikely it is that I could have it). ALSO kidney disease (CKD) is another possibility because I have too many symptoms to be that much coincidence and that really freaks me out because if I'm ever so broke that I literally cannot afford food/water/other damn needs, my backup plan (honestly probably for college) is to sell one of my kidneys since you really only need one. And yes, I mean on the black market. Go ahead FBI fucking come for me. If I don't have 2 working kidneys, bye bye backup plan! Also to add to that stress, I don't know half of my biological family medical history. Never had a dad because he left, so I don't know what I'm at risk for from them. I have decent reason to fucking panic! MORE IMPORTANT THING FUTURE ME I KNOW YOU'VE NODDED OFF BY NOW PROBABLY GO FUCK YOURSELF I'm starving myself. Kind of. Ok look it's not in an ED sort of way. It's not like that, I'm not so fucking hungry that I'm clutching my stomach in pain and still refusing to eat. If I'm that hungry I'll try and fucking eat something. I have a small appetite because of stress and probably other things rn. There are usually only a few times I eat: 1) when I watch Shane Dawson videos (idk why he used to do a lot of food stuff and I'd usually watch them after work when I was hungry so maybe that's it but it's stuck now) 2) when I have to take my meds (before work and during work if it's been a while) 3) if my head is being stupid (if I have a massive headache because I've learned that that usually means I need food, or if my head is super foggy and I'm confused and slow and forgetful) My usual weight from a few months ago was like 115-118 lbs. I'm 4'11 so that's not bad BMI but I despised my body and frequently would punish myself for indulging or eating too much. My BMI was fine but too uncomfortably close to "overweight" for me. However, didn't hate my weight, just my body. Light for me was 112-115 lbs. My average-ish weight now is 100 lbs, and it's going down. I don't despise my body now (don't really like it still but I'm fine with it) and I don't want to gain my weight back but I'm also scared to lose more. I weighed myself earlier today and I WAS 98 LBS. THAT'S APPROXIMATELY A 20 LB DROP. That's still a healthy weight, but it wasn't lost in a healthy way and that's what fucking scares me. I sent him a photo of the scale at 99 lbs (he knows my normal weight and I expressed to him when I lost 10 lbs how worried I was because it was after like 2 weeks of accidental starvation) and YOU KNOW WHAT HE FUCKING SAID? "Your weight is nothing to be worried about." I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW I GOT THERE GODDAMMIT HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVEN'T BEEN EATING. WE'VE LITERALLY TALKED ABOUT HOW IT'S A FUCKING STRUGGLE FOR ME TO GET IN MORE THAN 800 CALORIES IN A FUCKING WAKE CYCLE PLUS EVERYTHING I'M EATING IS NOT GOOD FOR ME TO BE EATING LIKE THIS Jesus fucking Christ god fucking dammit I'M FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON IT'S THERE IS BECAUSE I'VE NOT BEEN EATING. I'VE BEEN FUCKING STARVING MYSELF I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. Because of money. That's literally the reason. I picked up my medication today and had a $1 copay. I've never had a copay before. I had an anxiety attack and bought food, plus I was hungry. I woke at 1800, ate at around 2000, ate again at 1000 when I took another dose of meds before work. This prescription thing, I got back in his car (which isn't working well and he was angry so I kind of get it) at 1700ish. I ate one small soft cookie and he asked me to not eat because chewing irritates him. So I didn't eat until 0100, after a few hours of sleep. Let me timeline this for you: 1800 - wake 2 hours later - approximately 1c rice with nooch and chili powder and a little cheese to take my meds and supplement 14 hours later- 1.5 pieces of naan with hummus to take my meds 7 hours later - 1 small cookie that I then felt bad about buying and eating because it made him angry and reinforced the "you're nothing so you don't deserve to eat" thing in my head 4 hours later - fall asleep 3.5 hours later - wake 30 mins later - half a package of soft cookies with milk 5 hours later - writing this post for 1.5 - 2 hours I don't eat 95% of the time because of money. If I eat this food, then I have to spend money to replace it. I might need that money later so don't eat too much, eat only what you need, don't be a fucking pig, eat only what you need to function, don't be greedy, eat only what you need to stay alive for now, don't piss anyone off by making a mess and being lazy just don't eat if you don't absolutely need to. Don't make anyone angry at you. Make it last. You need boots that you can work in. You need your neck worked out. You want to see Motionless In White, save your money. You can't go to Kipona this year because he won't go with you and you have no one else even though you used to go with Grandbob, maybe next year or the one after that. Save your money. Maybe Muddy Run? Save your money for that. You want to go to the Ren Faire, save all you can for that. Another thing that's fucking with me He said he'd take off work and go to last month's flute circle because I really want him to experience it, but backed out because he didn't want to take off work and left me unable to attend. I rarely go, and it's the last regular experience I have to Grandbob and it absolutely fucking destroyed me to not be there. Again. I can't go to this month's because it was 2 days ago. I don't think I'll be allowed to go back for another few years, I don't think I'll be allowed to experience anything that connects me to Grandbob for another few years and by then they'll probably all be gone. I'm not allowed to cope or lash out or cry or scream or experience emotion or eat or fucking try to have some sort of connection to Grandbob because it inconveniences everyone else and I'm not allowed to have needs or try to take care of myself because it inconveniences everyone else and makes everyone else angry and every single thing I do does that. Last week I woke up at 0200 and couldn't go back to sleep even though I had to be at work at 1100 and close the shop at 2100 and work through those hours. I couldn't get back to sleep even though I tried for hours because I was having a depressive anxiety attack and crying for hours and I was literally imagining that my availability having to change and possibly not being able to work the drunk rush anymore making my boss so angry and upset that he fires me and me being as depressed and anxious and suicidal as I am, literally taking a knife and killing myself in the bathroom and my coworker (who actually got fired irl) found me and was just so apathetic and my boss literally just being like "goddammit now I have this mess to clean up and have to close early and can't make money" and me dying having zero emotional impact on either of them because I'm not a fucking person to them and all I am is a hassle. So I'm seeing that in my head and crying for hours, then I'm also seeing potential effect that that imaginary situation has on my mom and my friend and I'm crying over THAT for hours. God, I don't even fucking know. I just want to die because no one gives a fuck and I hate this country and I don't have enough money to survive and be okay in this country and politics is killing me and money and stress and I just want to fucking die because my soul is cold and nothing feels real or genuine to me anymore and I'm just a fucking obligation to everyone I'm not a fucking person I'm not important I'm just a selfish piece of shit motherfucker that needs to die alone in a hole and I'm pretty sure this whole post is a fucking guilt trip manipulation bullshit even though I don't mean it to be and I wish I never needed anything because hugs aren't feeling genuine anymore no one fucking takes my needs into consideration it doesn't matter how thin i get or how thin I'm spread it's never enough and I can't expect anyone to spread themselves the smallest bit until I'm fucking dust please just end my earthly existence Look at me Look at this fucking post I'm fucking crazy, aren't I? Isn't this the raving of a mad person? I've literally spent 2 hours typing this WHY am I this way? WHY can't I just deal with it like everyone else?

[randomgirlsdontunderstandme]

So my job is one that pretty much is a necessity to be open during this time. But I have autoimmune disease and I'm having to be even more cautious than the people I work with, who complain about having to clean every surface hourly. The CEO and board finally decided to close off lobby to the public and only allow drive thru service. So I'm basically stuck with all of the people I work with and have to hear a few select ones annoy me with how they react to this whole thing. I had today as my vacation day, because this weekend I was supposed to be at a rally car race, but for good reason, they cancelled the event. So I get to self isolate and not be near some of these crazies for 3 whole days. I also ordered groceries to pick up at walmart. And they don't have the bread i eat normally. So I'm a bit mad about all these people not rationing for other people and are buying up all the supplies instead of leaving some for others. I'm just tired of everyone's mentality of "Oh I'm fine, I'm not gonna get sick, I'll just go do what I want" and are carriers, or "THE WORLD IS ENDING I MUST BUY EVERY ROLL OF TOILET PAPER EVER MADE! AND BREAD! MILK! EGGS! BABY WIPES! GLOVES AND MASKS!" people who are normally healthy and just need to self isolate, and not be selfish. And then there's people like me, that wish I could stay home and not have to be worried I'll catch this and die, because my immune system will let it have a party and kill me faster than it's already trying to do. I hope you all are safe. Sorry about the rant. But people in my area are selfish idiots. And I just want my bread. End rant.