#I have a whole ass comp now but ngl it was fun to just write on my little cracked ipad

[cosmobrain00]

fun fic fact of the day: I wrote almost the entirety of fight or flight on my ipad n wrote half of its still raining w a fever<3

[hulahoopingholt]

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Live - Philly

Okay, so I was writing this mainly to share the full scoop with my frenemy @msjessicaday, but then I figured there might be some other people interested in hearing about it, so I’m posting it publicly for all to hear about the most amazing time I had on April 7, 2018 at the Trocadero Theatre in Philadelphia. This is MEGA comprehensive, so cutting for extreme length, but do read on if you want a play by play of the show, or if you want to hear how Smash Mouth and Sugar Ray made surprise guest appearances. 

Doors opened at 7PM, and we showed up around 5PM. There were probably about 20 people in front of us at that point. We were surrounded by a really great group of people who were SUPER entertaining and made time fly, thank god, because it was COLD and there wasn’t much to do, haha. People walking by seemed REALLY confused by why there was such a crazy (punny!) line, and when we said we were there for CXGF, most said they’d never heard of it. But then at one point a city tour bus drove by, and the guide looked over at us and said into his mic, “it’s a lot more nuanced than that!” It was fab.

It was general admission seating, and we managed to get 2nd row center seats, thankfully. (I say thankfully bc the theater frisks people as they enter, and so ladies had to line up on the left and guys on the right, which wouldn’t normally be a big deal but since this audience skewed so heavily female, guys from way back toward the end of the line were being allowed in before women who had been in the front of the line which feels like a MIGHTY PAINFUL BIT OF SYMBOLISM WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE FOR THIS SHOW but I digress, because fortunately we had a guy in our group and we sent him ahead to grab our seats, haha.)

Okay I do have the set list so from here on out that’s what I’m going to refer to, but some of the asides/ad libs I may not have in exactly the right order because there was just a lot going on and my memory isn’t the best.

First off, you can see the first 10-15 mins of this show on Rachel’s Facebook Live but I’m still going to paraphrase what happened.

They started with Where’s Rebecca Bunch? Everybody except for Rachel came out and dramatically looked for where Rebecca could be! Gabrielle had Rachel’s phone out and was filming the crowd. She came around the front during the “the town is all atwitter ‘cause the whole town is on Twitter,” and that + the phone got a really loud cheer from the audience. Then Rachel popped out and was like “um, guys, I’m right here, I was just taking a dump in the scary bathrooms.” (Okay so I gather this whole bathroom bit is scripted but this theater REALLY DID have murder bathrooms, the ladies’ room was ALL this Pepto-Bismol pink, the stalls were a) made of what felt like plywood and b) were REALLY short, like I’m only 5′6″ and my head was WELL above the stall wow.) And then Scott was like “that’s just the song we sing whenever we can’t find you” and Rachel goes “um so you just burst into full band and choreo whenever you can’t find me?” So then they all agreed to start with the REAL opener, West Covina. It was really short, but fab. Highlights included Rachel singing “my life’s about to change...oh my fucking gosh,” and then when she got to “because I’m hopelessly, desperately in love with...” and then Vinnie stepped forward and just PREENED. Our audience LOVED him and cheered for him for a really long time. It actually seemed like they were ready to move on but we were all NOPE, WE ARE HERE FOR JOSHUA FELIX CHAN LET US HAVE THIS MOMENT. But then Rachel finished and instead of saying “West Covinaaaaaa” she sang “PHILADELPHIAAAAA.” And Donna Lynne just casually brought up that final note an octave or two and DAMN that is a talented woman. 

Then the rest of the cast left and Rachel did a welcome and said how excited they were to be in this historic city. The Trocadero is a rock theater, so she asked how many people in the audience were musical theater nerds and thus this was their first time in a rock theater. Only a few people cheered, so she said “ohhh, this is a pretty cool crowd. If it had been me, I would have [raised hand]. My first concert was Bette Midler at the Staples Center.” She introduced the band, which included Adam Schlesinger on piano and Jack Dolgen on guitar/bass. She said that women have been known to throw their underwear at Adam...and in fact, somebody in Boston had given them their dirty underwear, so we just had to be trashier than Boston. She then said women have been known to throw their tampons at him and mimed removing a tampon from her vagina and throwing it at him. She then said “that is terrible and classless, do not laugh at that joke.” Obviously we all laughed. Then she said “speaking of classless, let’s do a song.”

Song was Sex with a Stranger! Dance moves were appropriately raunchy. Girl was feeling herself, as she should. Highlights included “My name’s Jason.” “Shut the fuck up, Jason, I don’t care about your fucking name.” 

She then came back and asked if there were any children in the audience, because it was going to be on a full on sex show. (There was, in fact, one child in the audience, she was behind us in line, haha.) She brought out Vinnie (who walked out with TP on his shoe, oops?) and said “Vinnie...have you ever hooked up with someone in your life...I mean, have you ever hooked up with someone in your life...Vinnie are you a virgin?!” and then got back on track and clarified hooked up with someone you SHOULDN’T have, which then led into We Should Definitely Not Have Sex Right Now. Yup, full on sex show. Lots of thrusting. It was fab and awkward and anything. Honestly, just watch the Facebook Live. It’s about 16 mins in. 

Vinnie then wanted to show off his West Covina hoodie that you can buy at merch. Rachel said he’s a really big fan of capitalism and therefore you should buy his hoodie. FUN FACT in the Facebook live when you hear Rachel say “and that gentleman is holding up a t-shirt,” that was my friend holding up the CXGF he had bought before the concert, BOOM RECOGNITION.

So then apparently Boston had an ASL interpreter, and they shared that Period Sex basically looks like holding up a pager to your face, then two bunnies fucking. So she then demonstrated “paging all bunnies...time to fuck.” Oh Rachel. 

Rachel then exited and left Vinnie on stage. He said he wanted to share something really personal with us, and when he was little he was super into martial arts and thought that was all he wanted to do, but then he saw a Gene Kelly film and that transformed him, and then he went from wanting to do this [martial arts move] to this [fancy Gene Kelly-esque dance moves]. And he talked about how excited he was to have this number in S3...yes, of course, I’ve Got My Head in the Clouds. Oh, but a great moment was before he started he took off his hoodie, and the audience went wild, and you could just hear Rachel from backstage go, “You all are thirsty. He just took off his hoodie.” LMAO WE HAVE NO SHAME IN OUR THIRST. But the number was great, and the HOLY GHOST came out and was AMAZING and sparkly. And then Vinnie said “let’s see who the Holy Ghost is tonight!” and it was GABRIELLE, who did a high kick and smiled and waved goodbye. (Sidenote, can’t remember when this happened, but Gabrielle was all about the high kicks and Jack would always do a drum hit when she did, and at one point made a crack about how Gabrielle never leaves the house w/o a drum set...to which she responded with another high kick.)

So then Rachel came back out and asked who was single, and made all singletons stand up and lock eye contact with someone, and then said “there, you know each other. Now go meet up for drinks afterward.” She then went into this whole bit about how, and she was totally serious, if anybody met their sig other at this concert, she would marry them at their wedding...but don’t think you could cheat the system, bc she would check up on you. She’d go through social media, interview you both, probably watch you have sex to see if you had chemistry...so honestly, is it really worth it? But then that led into Fuckton of Cats, which was amazing, and the whole cast came out with cat ears and they each had their own kitty personalities and it was just the cutest thing ever. 

Then at this point (I’m pretty sure at least) they said how they’d love to meet fans at the stage door, but their schedule is so tight they don’t have time to, so this was time for everyone to get their selfies. So then they posed facing each direction of the theater, like “okay, now this pose is how you’d look when the Eagles won! And now this is how you’d look if someone told you the Eagles suck.” NGL I got some pretty amazing pictures...

Also I can’t remember if this is actually when it happened, but I know the whole cast was on stage for it and it was toward the beginning, so I might be right...there was a center row reserved for cast comp tickets, and there were 3 empty seats. Rachel went “whoa, whose comps didn’t show?” And everybody was mumbling to themselves like “well my people are here.” So Rachel said “actually, those seats are reserved for our founding fathers. That one is Thomas Jefferson... and that one is Benjamin Franklin...and that one.....is Betsy Fucking Ross. Because everybody else is out there with their quills, and she’s like, you know what? I’m gonna sew a GIANT FUCKING FLAG.” 

Next up was The Math of Love Triangles. Rachel segued into it by saying she writes with two guys, so sometimes it feels like she’s in a love triangle. She was going back to flirt with the guys in the band...and when she was by Jack, COMPLETELY wiped out, fell right on her ass. But she kept going, so at first we weren’t actually sure if it was an accident or not. Still amazing. But then she got to the end and she couldn’t hit the high note...just raspy air. We cheered anyway. And she then said the cast has been getting really run down with the tour, and in other shows they’d been telling the audience that, but then Jack said it was a real downer, so she decided not to that night...and LOOK what happened. And Jack goes “yeah, well I also say things like...don’t fall.” ASJDKASLFJASLFD They just roasted each other CONSTANTLY it was amazing and honestly Jack is my new fave. 

Pete came out next, and Jack stood next to him on guitar as they did I Love My Daughter But Not in a Creepy Way. Pete was super earnest and made a lot of uncomfortable eye contact, and all the while Jack was making these “wtf this is so creepy” faces. ALSO there was a guy in the balcony right by the theater who dressed up like Darryl in Getting Bi, right down to the ‘stache, and Pete pointed him out and you could tell he genuinely loved it and said it was his favorite venue just because of that. OH BUT ALSO when Pete came out, he said “wow, Rachel, you’re looking very rock and roll tonight, all that leather.” She thanked him, and then he said “now you’re supposed to say something about me.” So she said “you look....exactly the same as you always do. It’s like the TV show Doug...you know when he opens his closet and it’s just all green sweater vest? Hmmm, which green sweater vest should I wear today? That’s like Pete...but with yacht clothes.” ASDJLKFNASFAK

Next up was Donna Lynne doing Maybe This Dream, and omg, that woman is a goddess. Seriously. That’s all there is to it. On a really shallow/superficial note, it became really clear to me that they frump her up on the show, because she is GORGEOUS IRL, and also a lot thinner than she looks on TV. But her voice...goddamn. She just makes it seem so effortless. Audience adored her and gave her a standing ovation because she’s magnificent and that’s just what you do in the presence of magnificence. But her niece was there and had just gotten engaged so she congratulated her and said “yay love!” before starting, it was so cute. (Jack, being a snarkosaurus, was like “oh they got engaged? And Donna Lynne said yes, and he goes “I don’t know those people.” AJSDKLASDNA)

Then was Women Gotta Stick Together. Gabrielle referred to it as “remember in S1 when Valencia was just always hangry...let’s go back to that.” Apparently normally during this song she comes into the audience and twirls people, but this stage didn’t have steps so she said “if I point at you, you better fucking dance.” Some people were a bit hesitant but overall people were into it and it was fab. Oh and when Gabrielle got to the line “so if some weird troll named Rebecca moves here from New York and is all up on my boyfrienddd” she turned to Rachel, who gave a tiny wave and said “hiiiiii” in that little voice, you know the one I’m talking about. It was adorable.

Back to the sex with Let’s Have Intercourse. Again, nice and raunchy. At the end Scott handed Rachel the condom and walked off stage, and Rachel asked who wanted it. Crowd obviously went wild, which led to her asking “you DO know it’s not a used condom, right? You’re acting like he personally used this condom...to be clear, this is an unused condom, still in its wrapper.” People STILL cheered, but then one woman in that balcony near the stage by Fake!Darryl shouted “I lost my job three months ago!” Rachel looked taken aback and was just like “whoa, okay, well ifI don’t give you this then I’m the asshole, here you go, take your unused condom.” There was a bit of an exchange trying to get the condom to the woman because it kept falling back down to the stage and Rachel joked about stopping the show so we could get this woman her condom, but alas, had to move on.

Rachel brought out Kabir Akhtar, who is an editor for the show and is from Philly. They talked about Philly for a bit (here). Rachel was also giving him props for being so great at editing and said how he fixes their acting and is so nice about it, because she’ll say “do we have a take like this?” and he’ll say “no, the actress was not in the mood that day,” or she’ll say “oh do we have a shot of my dancing from this angle?” and he’ll say “well the actress had some trouble with this choreography.” And he said “well it’s better than saying ‘ya did it wrong, bitch.” WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THEM CONSTANTLY ROASTING EACH OTHER?! and then Rachel said since he’s from Philly, she told him he could perform any song he wanted...he chose Where’s the Bathroom (here). Then Rachel said she forgot a prop so he had to kill some time...so he talked some more about Philly and then led the crowd in the Eagles chant. Jack was SUPER judgey and was like “I cannot believe a bunch of CXGF fans know ANYTHING about sports let alone care enough about them to know the Eagles chant” LMAO.

Rachel came back out and said “let’s do a song that makes me feel the opposite of how I feel about sports...which is interested,” which of course led into Strip Away My Conscience. Gabrielle and Vinnie joined her and it was appropriately sexy. Rachel tossed a thong out into the audience at the end. Alas, just slightly too far to the right for me to grab.

Then Rachel said there are really three types of guys...there are the Josh Chans, the Nathaniels, and the Gregs. And the problem with loving a Greg is how hard it is to have a relationship when they don’t love themselves. So then Jack came out and did I Could If I Wanted To. He changed a verse to be all about Philly, and it was HILARIOUS. It sounds like he changes a verse at most, if not all, venues to be about their current city, but at least some of this HAD to be improv, which made it even more impressing. He went on a rant about how everybody from Philly has to tell you that they’re from Philly, all you ever hear is that they’re from Philly, if he knows where a person is from they’re from Philly bc it’s all they can talk about, he doesn’t even know where his own family is from except for his Uncle Joe, who’s from Philly. And THEN he went off about how he STILL can’t believe a bunch of musical theater nerds care anything at all about sports or the Eagles or the Flyers, our faves are Miss Saigon, and honestly, I’m SO upset it wasn’t recorded because it was ACCURATE and hilarious and I’m in love. (Seriously Jack, please marry me, bye.)

Then everyone came out and Gabrielle announced it was the intermission and time to stretch, so we all stood up and did I’m So Good at Yoga. At first people weren’t really joining in and she said “no, this is no good,” and insisted we do the yoga moves. (But honestly it was really hard, there wasn’t much space.) Rachel was hilarious in this, basically reenacting the scene from the show. And then at the end the whole cast circled her mockingly while she was on the floor, and Scott ended his post basically thrusting his crotch in her face? And the entire cast burst out laughing and Rachel afterward was like “wow, if I had a nickel for every time Scott’s dick was in my face...I’d have one nickel because that has NEVER happened before.”

Oh also after this Rachel was like “you know, that line ‘I come vaginally...’” and went off on her PSA about how most women can’t climax from vaginal penetration alone and gave us extensive details about the wonders of the clitoris. But she acknowledged there were still going to be some guys in the audience going “no, my dick’s so good,” lmao. It was amazing and Jack was amusing here as well but I can’t quite recall what he said, except he expressed wonderment that nerve endings from the clit extend toward the anus in some women.

That led into the Horny Angry Tango. So they were using handheld mics the entire show, and at one point Vinnie and Pete came out to hold the mics in front of their faces so Scott and Rachel could do the dance and still sing. It was oddly comical. Also at some point here, can’t remember if it was before or after, someone in the audience shouted out “SCOTT I LOVED YOU IN ONCE UPON A TIME” and he seemed startled and said thank you. Rachel said “wow, that was like the equivalent of YouTube comment,” and Scott said “yeah, and I think I did the equivalent of liking it.” Then somebody called out “Rachel, they did a musical episode in S6, you should check it out, I think you’d like it.” Rachel said “okay, and that was an Instagram comment.” They then joked that they just needed someone to say “Come to Brazil!” to make it complete.

Then Adam did What’ll It Be and it was lovely and beautiful but honestly I miss Santino sigh.

Next was First Penis I Saw and i was a fucking delight. Donna Lynne is the cutest, Gabrielle and Rachel doing backup were delightful, and seriously, that song is just so much fun and seeing it live made my life complete.

Then, of course, we had Getting Bi. Pete came out and gave it his all, and the cast joined in with inflatable musical instruments. Scott did the sax solo on a kazoo held up to a mic. Digging it.

This is a random aside because I can’t remember exactly when it was said or why but I need to call it out. At some point Rachel was talking (honestly can’t remember to whom or what about, which is making me sad) and it was going on for a while, but then heckler Jack called out “what are we doing, recording a podcast?” And it was LOL seriously this man is my hero can he be onscreen in S4?

So then Rachel did I’m a Good Person and honestly, what else is there to say? It’s an amazing song, Rachel killed it, she made someone in the audience tell her she was a good person...god I just love this concert take me back please?

Then Rachel came out and said in a stage whisper “okay, I just don’t want the band to hear this. But we’re going to do what’s known in rock venues as an encore. So since for a lot of you this is your first time at a rock venue, an encore is when the band, let’s say Smash Mouth (here we all laughed bc wtf Smash Mouth? And she said it was the only rock band she could think of) finishes their set and they walk offstage to go shoot heroin up their eyeballs, and everybody in the audience goes NOOOO WE NEED MORE SMASH MOUTH and starts chanting SMASH MOUTH SMASH MOUTH, and so then the band goes okay we’ll stop shooting up heroin and do one more song, and so they close on All Star instead of Walking on the Sun. Okay, we’re gonna do that.” 

And then Donna Lynne came out to do Face Your Fears and did I mention this woman is a goddess????? Seriously her RANGE is phenomenal, she didn’t even break a sweat hitting any of those notes, her voice is just FLAWLESS and SHE IS A FLAWLESS QUEEN. She started off solo and then the whole cast came out wearing white choir robes to do backup behind her. And when she finished she got another standing ovation (of COURSE, Philly may be obnoxious but we know a little thing called RESPECT) and the cast literally got down on their knees and bowed to her AS THEY SHOULD.

Then there was an empty stage....oh no! But we know to do what we’re told! And started chanting... SMASH MOUTH. SMASH MOUTH. And we had a view of Rachel backstage then and she LOST IT, literally bent over at the waist laughing hysterically at us chanting for Smash Mouth. 

So Smash Mouth didn’t come out, BUT Vinnie and Scott did! They performed Fit Hot Guys. They stripped off their shirts to reveal t-shirts w/super ripped bodies drawn on them. They were doing their thing, and then who appears but PETE, wearing only fireman’s pants and a cap, his torso completely slicked up with what he told us later was Pam cooking spray. Vinnie and Scott were all “whoa what are you doing, have you even seen the show?” and Pete’s like “um YEAH HERE I AM” and got SUPER into it, and when they sang “without these pants” he stripped off his pants to dance in his American flag boxers. Anyway Pete is as pure as Darryl and I will protect him with my life. He also proudly stated at the end that he had just started working out this morning. LOVE.

We had the guys, so next up were the ladies doing Let’s Generalize about Men. The crowd just loved it, it’s such a fun song, and you could tell they were having a blast doing it, but I missed Vella. :( 

Then there was just Rachel. She spoke to us first (I think? I might be getting my order mixed up slightly here) and said how she had chills hearing us chant Smash Mouth, that it was the perfect mix of improv and flash mobs. So then some girl called out “Rachel, I have a question.” And she went “Wow, okay, that was so polite and direct, okay, what’s your question?” The girl then asked if they could do a song from Rachel’s Sugar Ray Jukebox Musical. She said no, they weren’t remotely prepared to do that...but then Adam started puttering around on the piano and Rachel was like “wow, you know some Sugar Ray?” Soooo that’s the story of how we had a brief singalong with Rachel Bloom to Fly by Sugar Ray, and yes, she did the dance moves she did in the video.

 Then we got to Stupid Bitch, which she said she knew everyone could relate to at some point in their lives. Right before the final note, she stopped, walked over to her water bottle, played up taking a looooooong drink of water, and then came back to center stage to hit that final high note. We were proud of her.

And then FINALLY, we closed out the night with Heavy Boobs. Rachel stripped off her shirt (she said we had earned it) and showed off her bra, which she said was a Natori. My friend shouted out that it was a great brand and Rachel nodded and agreed that it was a great brand. The entire cast came out midway with bras over their clothing to dance along with her...and that’s it! That’s the show!

Seriously it was beyond amazing. I didn’t take any photos/video other than the selfie moment since I was so close to the stage I thought it would be really obvious/obnoxious...I KIND of regret that just because I want to LIVE IN THE MOMENT FOREVER, but honestly, it was just SO MUCH FUN that I wouldn’t change a thing. It was more than 2 hours long and it felt like 10 minutes. I laughed SO much, and was blown away by all the crazy talent on stage. And I need them all to be my best friends. 

I know the tour’s winding down now, and tickets are all sold out, but seriously, if they do this again? Do NOT hesitate. Go. Just go. (Also maybe have a guy in your group if it’s general admission, really my best tip.)

Also if anybody was at Philly and remembers anything else PLEASE SHARE I AM TRYING MY BEST TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING FOREVER AND ALWAYS AND I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE ALL YOUR RECOLLECTIONS AS WELL TO HELP WITH THAT EFFORT. <333

[janzz]

day 3: its 3:47am on day 4 and i forgot to write my daily post

really really really trying hard to make this a habit (just for april)

so fail but lol

here’s my post for today

i went to a yoga class tonight in santa clara and it was the yogi’s first time and she was so good omg!

not quite as good as my fave instructor of all time (the bae lauren at moxie yoga in sf)

but yeah kimberly at corepower santa clara square might make me a regular!

(which honestly is super great because i went to class with norma and it was awful LOL)  (she played like hardcore edm at a chill class??) (to be fair it was also a level 2 class and i was struggling a little and kimberly’s class was a level 1....)

(oh i went to whole foods in the same plaza right after and ngl im starting to really enjoy just physically being in those fancy ass supermarkets.  i went to a new to me nob hill after orangetheory surprisingly also in santa clara ----theyre just nice and clean and beautiful.  however spending $45 to get way less stuff than a 99 ranch or something still feels way wrong.  i got bananas cashew milk chia seed refill 18 brown eggs (anthony likes the brown ones idk) natural deodorant (cause native has been sucking hard) ginger tofu mushrooms orange juice fancy sprouted bread shredded cheese actually ok when i list that all out its a decent amount for whole foods.  the stuff is just smaller yknow like the presliced white mushrooms were $1 for easily like 3 or so oz less)

anyway i find this funny because when i started dating anthony in 2015 he would go to nob hill markets and always claim it was his favorite market (because the chicken he would buy from there would never go bad etc).  i thought he was like idk rich af -- to be fair he went to stanford 2x and has his masters and is 2 years older so yeah he is definitely more privileged than me.  like i didnt have a preference for cage free brown eggs like i never had the money to spend the extra $1 or 2 on that shit when i was slaving at starbucks AND a second office job.

its really weird how money changes your life.  its 2019 and i finally hit the 100k 6 figure mark.  it’s honestly been a STRUGGLE to get here, but i’ve learned a lot along the way -- primarily that you HAVE to negotiate and generally just get paid more to improve your life.  anyway yeah money doesn’t solve problems but it generally reduces  your mental calories and makes things way more convenient.

before when i was poorer, i would have to go out of my way to make sure i was getting the cheapest shell gasoline in the area (still gotta have standards and not give into that arco bullshit).  i would never go into whole foods or places like that because my dollar had to stretch further.  whenever i would go out with friends before i’d have to be SUPER mindful of what i ordered and i would be EXTRA annoyed when you go out in a group and when splitting venmo people wouldnt pay the extra gratuity and i’d factor in me covering it because as a barista and server its bs when ppl dont tip well

now -- idgaf if i go out to eat a lot or splurge when im out w friends.  dropping $50-$100 randomly cause something is on clearance at lululemon is not a big deal.  im not anal about my boyfriend and i splitting everything exactly 5050 down the middle cause meh whatever i dont need to be given money back for like the minimal difference.  if whole foods is convenient for me to go to after a workout ill go in without batting an eyelash.  

it is weird tho being poor and then having money -- like ill go to lululemon but absolutely CANNOT buy anything full price.  i still like watching movies but 99% of the time go on discount days cause spending $20 when i could spend $9 feels wrong.  whenever i do basic things with my boyfriend, like going to the grocery store or mall, i’m most definitely the most cost conscious -- checking against the value per oz, whereas he just picks whatever and gives no thoughts to it (i think he makes like 240k a year thereabouts, definitely more than double but i dont know the specifics).  i drive a 2015 toyota corolla le he drives a nicer but still affordable more luxury sedan hyundai sonata souped up with seat warmers navigation and he’s installed a dash cam and stuff.  my car is definitely a commuter car that’s just one level up from the s basic model.  when i htink about buying a new car i dont know if i could buy a lexus but yet i sometimes think about getting a tesla instead of a prius

another weird one is getting mad at myself for leaving reusable grocery bags LITERALLY in the trunk and then having to pay the $0.10 per bag.  I’ve easily spent at least $15 on bags prob.  Before i would be kicking myself hard cause i’d need to pinch pennies.  another thing that ive noticed makes me feel “rich” is i can sustain my craft coffee/boba habit just fine and not give a fuck.  before i got more mindful of it i htink my my coffee boba budget was like $100 a month.  ive always loved craft coffee, but it has to be RIGHT if i was gonna spend $6.  when i was living w my parents in san diego going to a new coffee shop and driving up to encinitas or whatever was like THE trip. now i get philz off my mobile app whenever i head out of class or if im feeling like it and its not that special

but yeah, im not rich by any means but it was huge to go from like $16 an hour at my office job/$15.70?? w/ benefits I think that was my starbucks shift supervisor rate/annual salaries of 20k ish to $39k at a law firm in downtown sac (grossly underpaid but at least rent was only $300 at a family friends) back to the law firm job up to $70k.  there i got a raise at the same job from 70 to 80k and then 80k to 86.

THEN cause i was privileged enough to have been able to save money making more when i hated my job i just up and quit (i think i had like no more than 5k in savings at the time --it wouldve been more but i spent 3k on prk/lasik).  anyway yeah i was lucky af and got a new job in a month -- and the offer for this job was 100k base, 10k bonus, some amount of stock (i still suck at this stuff) and a stupid amount of perks like $1000 gym reimbursement and basically free health insurance -- if i annualize all my pay+perks, assuming i get my full bonus, its prob like 120k.

so i have like 5x ed my income in 4 years since graduating from college.

the crazy part is people that were more privileged than me STARTED at 100k as new grads, including 401ks and what not.  im lucky becuase i started mine back when i was 18 at starbucks.

income inequality and access to knowledge/resources has become something ive become more aware about and passionate about over time.  me and my boyfriend clashed a lot earlier i think because we literally were in different planes of our lives and income levels.  we’ve been together 3 years, but have known each other for 4.  we broke up for 1 year in between -- and yeah ngl had i never improved myself or actually reached my income/earning potential we likely would not have gotten back together.  additionally him supporting me when we got back together raised me out of not the poverty level but yeah we met and i made 39k.  i took the plunge and moved out to sf for myself and lets be real for him too and made 70k which was a huge jump.  and in a short 15 months or so i jumped again to 100k base.

im never gonna make as much as he does (men/women blah we can get into that) but yeah even having access to money adjacently is so powerful.  anthony never outright gave me money and im too much of a hardass independent person that ive NEVER borrowed money from him, never intend to.  i really vehemently despise the idea of free loading but because of him just being around yeah my life has been improved.  

when we met in 2015 in our young 20s we were in our have fun phase.  i was too poor to have gone to thiings like coachella or out to a concert.  he got me into music and made it easy for me to experience because he’d buy the ticket, drinks, pick me up and pay for sf parking.  i would likely get dinner ahead of time or something small and generally we would switch so if he got tickets one time i’d get them next.  but he ALWAYS paid for drinks and lets be real the occasional not drinks :P he had introduced me to music in such a way that i was willing to drop $800 or so on coachella + car camping + take pto days even when we were broken up 10ish months or whatever it was the first time we dated but if you think about it he likely dropped at least 1k on me during those 10 months without batting an eye lash.  i made 39k at the time working in downtown sacramento and he made 90k base (maybe 115k total comp) living in SF.

despite just basic things like me being immature for 23 -- a big reason i think we broke up at the time was the income level inequality.  it was both our first jobs out of school (first job out of stanford grad for him, he immediately got his masters out of undergrad).  i did a round of uc davis, community, uc davis.  

he told me he was breaking up with me because when we met i had originally wanted to be a lawyer and then didnt end up pursuing that path and he saw it as a lack of ambition/drive.  what he didnt see was general growing up and not having access to lawyers as i grew up, just me working at this really top tier A+ law firm and feeling out of place as an asian woman working with rich WASPs.  me wearing pencil skirts and having major impostor syndrome.  what he did end up seeing was an insecure version of myself in our relationship with me bending over backwards to make him happy.

when i moved to sf and made 70k it definitely was a huge ego boost to make that additional 30k, but to be real, here in sf and paying more rent than i was in sac and SD/just general living being expensive 70k wasnt that much.  what it did for my confidence though was priceless (i was an ea to a ceo at a tech startup).  i really grew into myself and was more confident in my abilities -- and honestly a lot of that was just getting older and knowing that i was good at things, bad at certain things and i wasnt going through my quarterlife/post grad crisis anymore.  

then those raises to 80k and 86k made me more ballsy.  these things were obvi practiced with anthony as i had a partner to discuss and practice with/an educated thought partner.  at this time anthony was making $150k base or so (after realizing he had been grossly underpaid as a PM for the 90k initial salary)

all of this set me up to basically make my position what it is now AND for it to be 100k.  tbh im a glorified low level coordinator at a big company.  i honest to goodness for the first three months probably worked a total of 2ish hours a day? this role should probably max out at 90k.  and by max out i mean this role likely shouldve started at 75k with incremental raises to get to 90 in like 3 years.  i STARTED at 100 and can likely if i play my cards right be promoted to a program manager in a year (or less).  that’ll prob bump me to a base of 120 or so if i’m aggressive.

i always shitted on sf when i moved here because i hate the tech bros, the elitist ppl, the vcs who think theyre out here changing the world but seriously being surrounded by people that went to ivy leagues or the UC’s that were better than mine have honestly, like my boyfriend, just uplifted my status.  something as small as casual lunch time conversation being more intellectual makes a huge difference for me re: how stimulated i feel and how much more energized ive become because of ppl around me.  i def still have impostor syndrome all the time but its been so much growth from 23 to 27.

30s should be great because ill be well into my career by then and making even more and closing the gap even more w my boyfriend.  its funny too cause hes 29 now AND FINALLY getting that postgrad quarter life crisis.  his privilege was able to offset him to have this crisis later on in life where he made more money and could make smarter choices.  privilege really is the thing that keeps on giving and im grateful to have started poor and really appreciate it.  as i make more money i also care more and more to give back.  if i ever do run for office in my 50s or whatever im gonna push for more access to education and arts.  i had an interest in this as an undergrad but couldnt pursue it because itd be a lifetime of poverty, but yeah who knows.

dang this went long but it is really interesting when i think about money and how much its effected me.  im lucky i was able to raise myself out of the level my immigrant parents brought me and my sister to.  them moving out of the philippines was the best thing that ever happened to me.  the second is them fronting the bill for my university education.  the privilege i have is extremely special and important and i want to honor their sacrifices because im sitting on a 100k because of decades of hard work and frugality on their ends.

im fucking lucky.

we gotta pass on the resources and uplift those around us if we are fortunate.  

...another rant altogether but i wish the leadership in the United States thought the same way. 

(end: 4:36am, why do i do this to myself)

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #14: "i literally hate attention (i say as i broke out into song unprompted)” - Bryce

I can't believe that I am here. I made it to the Final 4. It is very crazy. I thought that I was toast in the Final 6. So to be here now is very exciting and shocking. The final 3 is going to depend on who wins immunity. I am really hoping that I could win this immunity to secure my spot in the final 3. If not then I hope that Matt doesn't win it. He needs to be an option just in case. I'm very nervous. I just finished my rites of passage. and its crazy that its almost final tribal.

so im getting 4th. FJKASDHFKJh this comp is so hard and like im literally not gonna be able to do endurance so i need to do well on the other stuff but i just dont see that happening... like this puzzle first try was 70 minutes FJKASDHFKAJS. AND I KNOW COUNTING WILL MESS ME UP BC IM NERVOUS WRECK i didnt even mean to caps that but its tea. like flash game i think when i played this once before i wasnt bad but maybe i was who knows. im so emo like no one is talking to me anymore FKJASHDFKJ like i guess bc its just 1 vote left they dont wanna pretend they wont cut me FJAKSDFH like my game not even that good im gonna get dragged by sharky/nathan/keaton/nicole/ everyone but brian... maybe even brian who knows NNNN. my nnn. is so iconic.. maynor who?. idk like ok so if i win immunity (which i wont) idek what to do like i feel like voting matt is the best option maybe. bc i WONT be voting maynor bc i love him (not that i dont love anna and matt) but i just feel like we've had the best relationship of the f4 and im confident that the jury will like my game more than his (maybe they wont tho... i say confident but i mean 2% (not skim) sure they will) but ok so annabelle prob is hated by jury at least from brian and maybe even sharky? but like she didnt play bad she literally made most iconic move at f6 and i respect that but idk if jurors do like ppl keep saying shes a goat  so maybe she has no chance. and then theres matt where like ppl cant be mad he voted them when everyone and their mom in this game has voted him ASDKJFHASDKJ. like so hes prob liked by jury but i just dont know if hes done anything to deserve to win. he found 2 idols successfully played 1 but that was more on anna/nicks weird sense of leaking when it didnt really benefit them.  but like ok he was least threatening member of trio who got to the end so underdog edit is there even tho he literally wasnt underdog tbh u know who was an underdog... ME. i had NO ONE but nathan for a lil.. then dennis... then he got ROBBED. so then i had brian... but he got ROBBED. and now i have maynor like ive literally flipped and flopped to better my game and idk like i am physically able to meaningfully say ive done anything good ever in life or orgs but like i didnt do too bad i think! KJFAHSDKJF... idk maybe im getting 0 votes 3rd place no matter what and if thats the case im still so happy bc ive had a lot of fun in this game and met some true friends (and keaton) but like im getting 4th anyway so doesnt matter! ugh that sounds like a final goodbye confession but i know me and im gonna confess like 10 more times before this round is over so if i do get 4th/3rd just know that this was my true end...

So like.... I do not think i'm winning immunity. like at all. which makes me pretty nervous ngl. I really want to be there at the finale cause i think I have a good shot. If Bryce loses, i'm fairly sure i'm good to get to FTC but otherwise im scared. Making FTC would be really good for me cause I think i can out argue Maynor and Annabelle fairly well, but otherwise with bryce there idk. So like, BRYCE CAN'T WIN IMMUNITY. Also this FIC is disgusting like no thanks. I've already fucked up the 2 live ones so uh ya am annoyed :(. woo final juror here i come!

Bryce won immunity. Im glad. I wouldnt want to be in the position to vote Bryce. I had to abstained from the counting part cuz it triggered my anxiety. I tried tho but i couldnt. This vote is going to be said. Matt is going to go 4th. And i feel really bad. We got to know each other more during every tribal. This really sucks. I just dont want to give him false hope where there isnt any. Im going to help tomorrow.

I am so getting final juror. fuck. i knew it would happen if bryce won immunity and it fucking is. I am so sad about this. I have worked so hard all game to get here and its just being tossed away like that. I am SO sad. I have fucked up my sleep schedule for this game and now its getting me final juror. ugh. i just wanted to get to the end and like argue my case. but now? not happening :( i hate this

I WON I REALLY WON IMMUNITY ASKDJFHASKDJF I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA LOSE WHEN I GOT 12 POSTS ASJFKHKASJFDHASDKJF THATS SO NNNNN IM SO HAPPY BUT SO SAD BC NOW I TRIED TO TELL MATT IM VOTING HIM BC I WANT TO BE HONEST BUT HE SAYS HES TALKING TO A BRICK WALL LIKE???? SORRY FOR NOT WANTING TO GIVE U FALSE HOPE AJDSFHDKAJ its honestly so rude like ive been in that position before so i know what its like when ur pleading ur case and the person doesnt seem to care and im NOT doing that. but obvioulsy i didnt just make up a plan on what to do at f4 so obviously i have thoughts and plans and im not just gonna switch it up bc u plea to me now. idk KJASHDFKJ also im so scared im gonna lose now NNN hes saying anna played so well and tbh she kind of did maybe i lose no matter what...

So like i am leaving but its ok! why? cause i will preserve my legacy by dropping a whole ass fajita recipe here so that I can feel like i have made an IMPACT on the season. Even though like im still sad its me, im going out with a bang baby! I don't use this recipe personally ( I am a broke student) but its v.good!

Ingredients: 2 large chicken breasts, finely sliced 1 red onion, finely sliced (ready to make you cry) 1 red pepper, sliced 1 red chilli, finely sliced (optional) For the marinade 1 heaped tbsp smoked paprika 1 tbsp ground coriander pinch of ground cumin 2 medium garlic cloves, crushed 4 tbsp olive oil 1 lime juiced 4-5 drops Tabasco

Method: Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6 and wrap 6 medium tortillas in foil.

Mix 1 heaped tbsp smoked paprika, 1 tbsp ground coriander, a pinch of ground cumin, 2 crushed garlic cloves, 4 tbsp olive oil, the juice of 1 lime and 4-5 drops Tabasco together in a bowl with a big pinch each of salt and pepper.

Stir 2 finely sliced chicken breasts, 1 finely sliced red onion, 1 sliced red pepper and 1 finely sliced red chilli, if using, into the marinade.


Heat a griddle pan until smoking hot and add the chicken and marinade to the pan.

Keep everything moving over a high heat for about 5 mins using tongs until you get a nice charred effect. If your griddle pan is small you may need to do this in two batches.

To check the chicken is cooked, find the thickest part and tear in half – if any part is still raw cook until done.

Put the tortillas in the oven to heat up and serve with the cooked chicken, a bag of mixed salad and one 230g tub of fresh salsa.

hope the random person reading this uses it otherwise gj future me reading this you've officially gone insane! yeet ig?

This is going to be a sad day. I really like Matt and dont want to vote him out but its the best option from the people available. It really sucks. I feel his pain and ahh.

I’m literally going to cry. I want to help Matt. I wish we could all be final 3 but we can’t. I’m dying emotionally. Final 4 always has so much pressure cuz theres only 4 people left. I hope Matt doesn’t hate me. I hope he understands thisnis a game move because he techinically was the underdog in the beginning then was on top then back to underdog. I just hope he doesnt take it personal that I don’t think tie-ing it for him would be good for my game.

OMG IDK WHATS GONNA HAPPEN MATT GO HOME PLS BUT I FEEL LIKE ANNA IS VOTING MAYNOR IM GONNA BE SO SAD AHHHH DJSKFHSDKJF

Matt is voted out 3-1. He becomes the final juror.

ok so i had the worst day of my life today and didnt plan my speech at all so thats where im at NNN time to fake smile and hope the jurors like my ad libbed speech ASFKUHDFKJ ftc starts in 4 minutes.

well.. that was interesting adsjflhasdkfj. Like i always have 0 confidence in myself so i think im gonna lose and i really do respect the game that anna and maynor played. im just sad that i dont think i articulated myself well bc like im so bad with words anajsfhakj and ppl were saying conflicting things and its just not in me to like chime in with my pov to possible sway it in my favor bc i literally hate attention (i say as i broke out into song unprompted) but yaaa like i truly think that maybe i kind of did play super well and deserve to win but either way ill be happy bc i made *some* genuine friendships and also like had so much fun voting ppl out KFADHSKJASHK. i wish i like wrote what all my confessionals were so i could reference sth i said on day 1 but it was prob like i hate my tribe they ignore me so maybe ill just say that again FKJADSHFKJ. we love coming full circle... im so hungry i didnt eat so i will now stop typing to get dinner maybe i will write another confessional. omg wait gotta have some line thats iconic in case theres an episode title... think... love talking to myself FAKSDHFKj im so funny when i was like "i realized hey i respond to myself ill take me to the end" its such a mood KFJASDHFKJ ok but hm... ok. maybe im a snake who doesnt actually care about people and use them to my advantage to get my way but at least im not jayden. OMG jk thats so mean even tho he deserves it ALSO i was gonna like comment on keaton being like "saying the n word doesnt make u racist" but then he was kind of nice to me so i didnt.. love being as fake woke as me... not being confrontational to get a jury vote... so gross NNNN wooh idk how to end this but watch waves music video normani literally snapped so hard is being as slept on as me. omg wait... maybe im a pillow bc i sure am being slept on. iconic line.... i love the hosts so much ignore literally every cringe thing i wrote in this confessional pls FKJADSHKFJ

IM VERY DRUNK AND I DNT KNOW IF I HAD TO. BUT EITHER BRYCE OR ANNA WILL WIN CUZ IM A MES AND DONT DESERVE TO CUZ THEY WERE BOTH AMAZING FOR LETTING ME GET TO FTC. I WANNA THANK ANNA THE HOST FOR BEING AMAZING AND GREAT. I LIKED THE ALICE THEM CUZ HEART CUZ ICANT  EMOHJI, ,LOVED THIS SEASON AND UR ALL AMAZING HOSTS.

Im happy I made it to the final 3. And even though FTC was bad; I enjoyed it. I know I’m probably getting 3rd which is fine. I have so much respect to Annabelle and Bryce and everyone in the jury. I’m more excited to be able to talk to all of them again. Let’s see who is our winner will it be Bryce or Annabelle!? The hosts you guys were amazing and i had a great time this season. Im glad Jones pushed and convinced me to apply. Thank you for giving me a spot in this season. And Jones you da best. 💖💛����

confession time. everytime i write one of these i put the day as who are u and my name as what day is it.. my mind always having to go change it. but um didnt think i would be writing another one of these FJKSADF but i have no self control and winner reveal is in 4 and a half hours and im literally sick FAKJDSk i feel so anxious and nervous like even if i lose im gonna be happy but i just really want to win also im still trying to process ppl not liking me or my gameplay and saying i played with their emotions FJKASDHFJ i had a blast. anyways this is the anthem of the day apparently https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhzN7SfnNeY

WHATS GOING ON?? IM TIRED IS WHATS GOING ON IM SO ANXIOUS! im sooo anxious i want to win. pls...

Bryce wins Celestial Marmoreal in a 4-3-0 vote!

[survivorsinnoh]

Rites of Passage

Drew - you didn’t deserve what you got Jordan - Matt I love you so much I wish this game wasn't ugly and you weren't first boot <3 Logan - I never got to play with you, but I hope you’re doing lovely!

Drew - The only ghostie to die when we were still ghosties, the game never even knew you existed. RIP Taylor….. <3 Emma and Salem Jordan - idk you Logan - I hope you’re having a great day, sorry we never got the chance to play! Steven - an okay team member but didn't really do much to stand out

Drew - ngl I was glad you weren’t in the game anymore after Aegean, playing with you is a trip, but I’m sorry for whatever was going on in your life that you couldn’t commit yourself to this game Jordan - I was sad you left but you didn't even vote so there isn't much I could have done to save you Logan - Dani, you my favorite cracked child. I loved playing with you, I’m sorry it ended homie. Steven - fun while they lasted

Drew - idk you Jordan - idk you Logan - I also never got to play with you, but obligatory have a great day!

Drew - KING OF AEGEAN SEA we could’ve secretly raised hell huh, no one would’ve seen us coming Jordan - idk you Logan - I never got to play with you but I love you my sweet son. 

Drew - Sorry you went from F13 to F19 and then got voted out, that must have been a rough life to get a worse placement than the number of people you thought were in the season Jordan - you are so sweet and funny just not the most active Logan - YOU WILL FIND YOUR SHEBREW, HAPPY NEW YEAR Steven - I wish I got to know you more

Drew - the winner of the season and we all know it Jordan - ugh I really wish you would have stuck through this game because I really wanted to work with you and make it to the end with you love you queen

Logan - I hope you’re doing fabulous lovely, and I hope the reason you felt you had to go has resolved or is doing better. You deserve the world, hun. Steven - you were a fun tribe member to have around

Drew - Listen I’m aware that you will probably never see this but I’m about to get super emotional so I’m sorry to everyone else who has to read this. Getting to play a season with you two years after Malaysia, when I thought you’d never come back to the community, and seeing you a little in Hosts, and then through the entirety of Circle, and finally getting to go through a little of what we went through here in Sinnoh was a huge deal to me and felt like some closure I didn’t know I wanted from that era of my org life. I fully support your reasons for leaving this game, and from the little I see from your snap it looks like it was the right decision for you, but I broke down and cried when you told me because I thought we’d have more time. This game was not ready for the both of us, and if you’d stayed??? Babe I’ve managed to raise some hell in this game but together we would have had this whole place wrapped up like a puppet show on strings. These kids are lucky they never had to see what we could pull off….I love you, kid. Jordan - I'm sorry you had to quit I hope your life is going ok <3 Logan - I never got to meet you, but I’ve heard such amazing things. I hope you’re feeling okay <3 Steven - I wish you could've stayed in longer

Drew - The real victim of the aforementioned “Things Scott And I Can Pull Off” Jordan - who dat Logan - Ah my love, I hope you’re also doing okay, sorry you had to go. Steven - There can only be one Brit XD

Drew - BABEEEEEEEEEEE you dun goofed huh, I really did everything I could to set us both up to make merge and it didn’t work out and I’m crushed for that, but we’ll always have the food court ;) Getting to meet you while this game was still happening was something special <3 GOOD LUCK IN ISLA DE LAS MUNECAS, I'll keep the Jacob Candle™ lit for you!!! Jordan - 

using my super idol Logan - AH IT WAS SO GOOD WHILE IT LASTED. I hope you’re doing swell! Steven - talked to me a lot during the game and I thank him for that

Drew - It always ends up being you dying a split second before merge in games we play together these days...I’m sorry you died in that way and partially by my hand, but you don’t come for a ghostie!!! I tried to warn y’all...much like with Scott, we hadn’t seen as much of each other as I’d have liked since Malaysia, so getting to reconnect with you through these games and Andalucia has been really important to me. Jordan - I like to think we boned a bit in this game even though you are one of my best friends.

Logan - You were robbed, I’m sorry that you had to go. We were so good together and I’m glad this game was better than the last.

Drew - (1/2) I’m eulogizing you and Eric together because you were both my people and I tried to protect you and I failed you both. We tried to prepare ourselves for what was gonna come next, but...Between my status coming into merge, the fact that it was the merge vote, and a double vote with so many people on top of that, …... Jordan - we never talk in games  so idk you that well Logan - Oh my wild cracked ass love. I love your kittens and I love YOU! Steven - you did so well to stay in as long as you did

Drew - (2/2) I was too scattered to fight for what I wanted, and I let the game happen to me instead of imposing myself and my will on the game. And because of it, I lost you both, my two ghosties, just as I finally got to see you again. Y’all were my turning point in the game, when I decided that for better or worse, I was not gonna play scared for the rest of the season. I’m sorry it happened a round too late. Jordan - I was shook when you left. I didn't expect that to happen at all but we didn't talk so I guess it worked out for me Logan - Congrats on jury!! I hope this game was fun for you, and I hope it ends well for you too. Hope your day is great. Steven - was strong and helped us ghosties

Drew - Highkey the person I was most scared of, your conversation style throws me off my game. There’s a directness and a bite to it that will serve you so well in these games. I don’t meet all that many people who are new to me in games anymore, and this was our first game together, even though we knew each other briefly before that, so you were probably my biggest delight. Jordan - easy the hardest decision I had to make this whole game. Backstabbing you was a big regret but I knew it needed to happen if I wanted a chance Logan - BIG HEART EMOJI!! You were Robbed tm Steven - you always checked in on me when I was asleep XD

Drew - Eye for an eye, bitch!!! Our conversation the day you left when you knew you were leaving and knew it was because I was killing you? One of the highlights of the season, Chicago snapchat included. Drewbert (Andalucia/Normandy Host) [1:39:44AM]: me @ Zach out of games: I LOVE THIS PERSON, BEST FRAND EVER 12/10 WOULD FRIEND AGAIN me @ Zach in games: okay but he so sketchy thooooooooo me after I inevitably kill Zach or he inevitably kills me: wow but we could've done so much damage together whew Jordan - daddy voting me out <3 Logan - For once, you died for me. Are we even now? I love you.

Drew - MY BABY BOY we always end up here on opposite sides of the line and I can’t wait to see what kind of things you said about me in your confessionals this time <3 You were the last of the trio I wasn’t working with so it was the last of the “easy” choices I had to make but it still lowkey sucked. Pulling off a 4-3-2 though??? Cool. Jordan - I'm sorry the ugliest got you. Fuck drew honestly I enjoyed talking to you when we finally got to be on the same tribe and I was sad when you left Logan - my sweet son. You are so good, you’re so pure, and I’m sorry we had to stop being together in this game. You are fabulous.

Drew - (1/2) BILLY my Johto ride-or-die and one of the people I talk to most without a game attached because there’s something really comforting about talking to you. I’m combining you and Gaston for the purposes of this because it broke pieces of me to write both of your names down. I didn’t do either vote until the last five minutes, which I’m sure Jay has loved from me, but the surety that it was the right move for the numbers to keep all of the options and failsafes I needed but it…... Jordan - you weren't very active in this season and keeping you around didn't feel fair to the people who wanted to play Logan - From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry. Steven - you got slammed by those you thought of trusting

Drew - (2/2) didn’t make it any easier to do. Gaston especially, I was so shocked when it turned out to be you, I only knew I needed someone from that trio to leave but I thought it would be Mitch, I never dreamed they’d flip onto you after two times of failing to get him out. I’m sorry that in the two times we’ve played together recently, I haven’t been the ally you deserve. Jordan - I honestly loved talking to you the one time we actually spoke bgdjhfvdjhbnfdvij I think you were a big threat to me though. Logan - I LOVED PLAYING WITH YOU AND GETTING TO KNOW YOU! You are so fun, and while your sleeping schedule is wack, it was awesome chatting. Live it up! Steven - There's no one like Gaston

Drew - After more than a year and a half of knowing each other, I’m running out of amazing things to say about you. As an adversary, I knew what had to be done as soon as Wings Over Water was announced as the comp, but I went into work an hour early and played through my lunch break to try and make it so I could keep you one more round. You’ll always be best friend material. Jordan - you know I adore you and that I didn't want to have to vote you out but it had to happen and I didn't think I had a shot in hell against you Logan - I’m sorry. I loved working with you, you’re truly an amazing ally and an amazing person to be around. You own the pun king crown.  Steven - You were a power player who got shut down

Drew - I have no words. I love you and while this is the ending I’d been planning for some time now, I wish so much that it had come under different circumstances. I’ll always be around if you ever want to talk but I understand that if that happens, it will take time. I’m sorry. Jordan - I'm honestly sorry I made you feel like shit as you left and I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I know I backstab you a lot in these games but just know I never mean to hurt your feelings because I do consider you a friend.

Logan - YOU DID SO GOOD. You played this game so hard, and I truly believe you would have won had you made it to the end. I’m so proud of you I can’t even speak to it. Steven - you tried so hard and got so far. But in the end. It didn't even matter

Drew - Steven the first time we played together was almost a year and a half ago and we didn't get to see much of each other. I'm always gonna be grateful we got a chance to try again and see as much as we did together, after spending so much time with the Gorlleys. I don't know if this was your first Survivor since Atlantis, but I hope you surprised and impressed yourself with how far you were able to make it. It was a true delight to work with you. Jordan - Arcy you are jays boyfriend so I support you even though we never talked Logan - Im love u ur such a good bean