#I have a really weird niche sense of humour lol

[loganslowdown4]

Roman: This kitchen is so disorganized! I can’t find a damn spoon anywhere!

Patton: Not to worry! I’ll buy some of those drawer dividers to organize!

*later*

Roman: *opens drawer* Patton, where are the spoons?? This drawer is full of candy!

Patton: Yes! Because I hate when my Reese’s Pieces mix in with my Skittles!

Roman: *crying* I just wanted cereal.

Patton: I have a drawer for that!

[flowers-of-io]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you’ve written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💗

Tagged by the lovely @eri-223​. I decided to only include finished fics here because while I *am* screaming incoherently about Book in every waking hour, it’s hard to compare things that are their own complete entities to stories yet unfinished.

nothing’s fair in love and war - Oryx & Savathûn. One of my most recent children, born from that one Wellspring quote and figured out over the sandwich table. It has all the good stuff--Books of Sorrow, sibling swordfight, the inevitability of fate, and even a theme song that I’m still unwell about the lyrics of! It was such a pained delight to write, because prior to WQ we hadn’t really hadmuch insight on Savathun’s relationship with her brother, then we suddenly got the statue, the Temple, and of course the quote I could not shake for days upon hearing. By far my favourite thing in this fic is the affectionate holding your sibling at knifepoint and laughing, that viscerality of steel on skin, that plainless of love at the edge of a blade.

Visions of Confluence - first VoG fireteam. This was a very fun exercise written for last summer’s Project Exodus challenge. I liked playing with the repetitions and switching details, going for that eerie feel of ‘it’s almost the same but slightly off kilter, there’s another set of footsteps next to mine but I remember only coming here alone’, glass refracting time like beams of light. Plus, Alemyr!

Blood - Asher & Eris. A Destcember prompt I really went to town with. It’s soft, it’s bittersweet, it’s fragments strewn across time with a quote from Landscape slapped onto the label, it’s found family in the literal sense.

Cats and Dogs - Drifter & Eris. Oh, this was my folly born from the idea of “could there technically be Hive who escaped the fate of having a worm put inside them?” and instead of writing some serious speculative fiction I wrote... this. Again, all the good stuff--humour! bickering coworkers! cute small creatures! yellow Hive goo! This is one of my very few bright & happy fics, and even here I managed to slip a bit of Eris’ PTSD.

Blooming gardens - Another Destcember prompt that’s so niche and weird probably like five people have ever read it, and it holds a special place in my heart because here I went so off the hook with my Afterlife In Destiny, Actually theory (plus: first recorded mention of the Song of Life in my fic!). I’m thinking about revamping it, maybe changing the pov to 2nd person, now that I’ve been playing around with more Traveler/Gardener stuff. Though it was really hard to pick a favourite out of that year’s prompt set (Heresy and Roses & Thorns are so very dear to me too), this one is definitely the most special.

Tagging @xazz, @shadowtriad, @euxiom, @wonderwafles, @a-driftamongopenstars and @allteacher! If you’ve already done it and I’m double-tagging you I’m sorry lol.

[antipodeanpineapplelump]

Dear author, Happy New Year!! For the fanfic writer asks, how about: (1) What’s your favorite character(s) to write for? (in any fandom); (17) What fanfic tropes do you gravitate to writing for? ; and (31) What was the development process of "Stand Alone Complex New Tokyo: Red Dawn" like? Thank you so much for creating and sharing your INCREDIBLE stories with us!!

Happy New Year @birkastan2018! Thank you so much for this ask!! 

1) What’s your favorite character(s) to write for?

This is surprisingly hard to answer as I have so many characters I like to write for! 

I would say that in the last year I’ve particularly enjoyed writing from Dabi’s (My Hero Academia) point of view. He’s very impulsive and cynical about the world, and doesn’t hold back at all on what he thinks, which makes him a lot of fun to write (although getting in his head for the first time was also an absolute nightmare). In general I do tend to prefer writing dark characters :)

But in 2021, I’m also excited to try writing from Shisui’s pov for the first time. I feel like he has the right balance of realism, humour and chaotic disaster energy to be appealing. So we’ll see how that goes! 

17) What fanfic tropes do you gravitate to writing for?

Oh gosh, um... I guess I love enemies to lovers. Like really love it. Which probably explains why I like KakaObi, because they’re basically the greatest enemies-to-friends-to-enemies-to-friends-lovers couple out there. 

I also love hurt/comfort, angst, and AUs. I’ve realised recently that I enjoy writing long plot-driven stories with big focus on character development and underlying themes. Usually based on something completely weird and niche, that doesn’t involve just re-telling an existing story with different characters. Is niche AUs a trope category? Because that’s basically what I write. So it is now XD

31) What was the development process of Stand Alone Complex New Tokyo: Red Dawn like?

Very long and involved? Can I say that? ;) But seriously, I sat on this idea for a very long time, thinking and planning before I even got to writing. 

It all started with me re-listening to the Ghost in the Shell music. I wondered how a KakaObi story would fit into that universe. So I started writing down all my ideas in a word document. What the themes could be, major storyline beats, character backgrounds (even their favourite foods and quotes). I decided pretty early on it would need to focus on Kakashi running a team of Section 9 to chase down Akatsuki, but at that point I wasn’t sure whether I was going to set it in New Port City/Niihama (the setting for GITS) or somewhere else. 

What followed was an enormous amount of world building. I wanted the story to feel like it took place somewhere you could really imagine the characters living, so the natural choice became to set it somewhere that actually exists. And where better for futuristic cyberpunk than Tokyo? In the GITS series, Tokyo has basically been decimated by nuclear strikes, so hence the “New Tokyo” setting. So far I haven’t been disappointed. It’s given me just enough creative license to make some things up, but the inspiration to draw on real places (some of which have made it into the story in ways I could never have thought of otherwise). 

I also spent a lot of time brainstorming the nitty gritty details of the future dystopian world. The economic and political situation was largely informed by GITS, but even that differs between the TV shows and manga, and there were a lot of... gaps. I don’t like gaps lol. I need to know how the world works if I’m going to write it. So I researched and settled on a version of the world’s history (wars and geopolitical manoeuvring etc), wrote lists of common cybercrimes, and how the refugee situation had developed and the politics behind it. I also posed myself a bunch of questions which I was determined I had to be able to answer before I could start writing. 

Some of those included: What can cybernetic bodies do? Can they taste, eat, feel, and have sex the same as humans? Do they bleed like humans? What about other senses and sensations? How are cyborgs perceived by the general public?

And a bunch of others. 

So basically, in short, a huge amount of work went into thinking about this AU before I even planned out the chapters and got to writing them. I know I’ve been a little absent from it recently, but to be honest, 2020 just wasn’t the year for it! It’s a very complicated and dark story, and I needed something a little bit lighter and simpler. 

That said, now I’ve finished my self-indulgent story in the Stucky fandom, as soon as I get far enough ahead in editing it to keep up my posting schedule, Red Dawn is next on my list. And the things I’ve learnt from that story (especially writing 130k words in like 3 months) are really going to help with this one. So stay posted! :D

[pixelburied]

🍕 i dont really know you at all haha but i think youre really cool and i hope u have a lovely day dskahdk but yea reasons why: you have a really nice sense of humour, you seem like a really kind person and dsahdk idk i guess i just admire you

AHH OMG I would love to get to know you! Feel free to message me anytime. 💛 Good to know my weird niche humor hasn’t driven you away! lol

[sweet-satisfactionn]

CLEXACON 2018

Hello everyone! As I am not (yet) a YouTuber, this post will serve as my recap. Last year I made a post on the con itself and how it made me feel being there as a first time attendee (x). But this year I am going to focus on the people I met or I was lucky enough to see again this year, because that is what ClexaCon was and still is to me, it’s all about the community. #WeAreClexaCon.

ClexaCon has grown exponentially since last year and, therefore, the kru has grown with it. I love and appreciate everyone I met up with during my short stay, so I wanna give everyone their own thank you. Sorry if I forget anyone, I’m trying really hard not to and sorry for typos, this is a stream of consciousness thank you letter. 

Elke: Obviously I have to begin with my sister and frequent con buddy @damnlexa. My platonic soulmate. There’s nothing I could say here that I haven’t already said to her 100 (triggered) times over, but I’ll give it a shot. Any con, any event, any experience can only be improved by having Elke by your side. Not only is she incredibly smart, talented, funny and weird as fuck, but she has the most niche and hilarious kind of humour I have ever seen in a person. Honestly she’s so weird you guys. Sometimes being in a room full of strangers (potential friends) can be terrifying, especially to a nervous asshole like me. Just having her in the same room as you even if she’s not close by can be incredibly comforting, because I know that if I’m ever in trouble in a conversation, all I need to do is look at her and she’ll be right there with me. Knowing that she’s there really opened me up to talk to more people this year than I felt comfortable with last year. Without her I wouldn’t have made half of the friends I made at ClexaCon and I bet she doesn’t even realise that, so thank you Elke. Now I have to move on because people will get jealous!

Sofia Rojas: The only negative thing I can say about Sofia @shes-special is that I didn’t spend see her more. One of the only people that can make me burst into laughter just by looking at her. Has a smirk that drives the ladies crazy. It’s a good one you guys. A very honest and kind hearted Canadian, which means that (I think) it’s quite easy to see what she’s thinking. This led to many moments during the convention where you couldn’t keep your face to yourself Sofia, which I have forgiven you for because it caused the bursting into laugher moments that were stated above. Master of the accidental deadpan humour “is that what you’re wearing?” which still cracks me up. Also only ally I had in the d*ke jokes, which is very appreciated! You didn’t leave me out in the cold (like a certain small, cardigan losing, Australian). I now have a shot glass collection because of you and I’ll think about you every time I use them (such a kind gift, ty shrimp! <3). Again, wish I could have seen her more, but CLEXACON 2019!?

Rin: My mother hen who I have said way too many nice things about these past few days, so what more can I say? You can never be sad when you’re in a room with Rin, you can try but it doesn’t work. Even the most emo of lesbians will smile when talking to her, she’s a ray of sunshine and no one can ever tell me otherwise. She’s remarkably talented in everything I’ve seen her do and she’s fiercely passionate about all the things she loves *cough* Faberry. It’s easy to feel ashamed when talking about the things you love, especially if it’s fandom related but that insecurity disappears when talking to her. Her resolve is strong, even when I ramble on about my questionable fandom choices (still love you Marley). There’s no one I’d have rather travelled the world with. Ed Sheeran, The Greatest Showman and now even Camila will always be associated with her. Sometimes it’s a good idea to not limit your friendship groups based on age and distance because you’ll find gems like matchbox_sized along the way. 

Ylva: Oh Wolverine, the new one of the group. A tall string bean I didn’t meet last year who has now stormed into my life. What would suite parties be without you to sing Eurovision songs with and belittle the Americans and Australians (boring; they’d be boring). Your blunt unwillingness to follow the rules of Kings/Ring of Fire is a memory to cherish. It’s rare to click so quickly with someone and so I am grateful for the times when things got hectic and I got separated from people and then miraculously found you. Sarcastic comments and deadpan humour always sound surprising coming from you which makes it even funnier. Best ClexaCon banter buddy. The con had it’s ups and downs but all of our chill sessions were definitely highlights, so thank you, SKAL. Swedish representation is important everyone. (ps. gonna start the Vikings just for you) (p.p.s. let’s put money on Israel to win Eurovision)

Emily-Anne: A YouTuber that, for me, was exactly the same online as she was in real life. The wit, compassion and well articulated thoughts are not a YouTube gimmick friends, it’s real. Again, only downside was that I didn’t get to see her more. In 2018 you need all the DCOM fans you can get, even if she didn’t know that Year 3000 isn’t a Jonas Brothers song, that can be forgiven! It’s important to have people in your life that will pity laugh at your jokes and for that Emily-Anne is a champ. Easy to forget this was her first year attending because she merged into the kru effortlessly. See you next year? We need all the bisexuals we can get, it ups our diversity quota.

Mollie: Oh Mollie, @molliemashstash MY AUSTRALIAN CARE FREE D*KE QUEEN. Can we say that word? EH, I just did. What would ClexaCon be without you annoying everyone and sticking a camera in people’s faces <3 Absolutely nothing. Your artistic abilities blow me away, it’s weird that so much talent can come from such a noob (jkjk). When everything gets too serious, it’s good to know that you're there to yell GOV and force things back to normal. I’m also very glad to see you sobbing into noodles, that memory will never leave me and I am very grateful for that. AUSTRALIAN ROAD TRIP CIRCA 2018? We’re bonded for life now so that’s definitely happening. #Machel #Rollie

Bri: BRIBRIBRIBRI!!!! An unexpected favourite of mine, unexpected in that I didn’t know you very well going into ClexaCon and now you’re one of favourite people. As soon as I got in your car (don’t get into cars with strangers everyone lol) I knew that we were going to get on and the fact that I immediately felt comfortable with you was v nice and v rare! It may have been due to how tired and delusional I was at this point but meh, I still <3 you. I am glad we got that last day together because we kept on missing each other at the con, everything was so hectic :’( I could easily spend an eternity arguing over culture differences with you and staring at you confused when you explain what mugging is and the horrors of America. Hopefully you <3 me back, because if not this is awkward. BYE.

Toni: I am constantly in awe of Toni’s passion and talent. Her writing ability is incredible, her podcasts blow me away. She is so articulate, which is a very hard to come by trait these days, and thinks carefully over her words. This makes her podcasts extremely interesting, which is further proven through her moderation of the Youtube 2.0 panel. Questions were carefully chosen, everyone had a chance to speak, a respectful tone was kept throughout with some well added, kind hearted banter, and I think a lot of that efficiency is thanks to Toni! Honestly check out her podcast, you’ll love her (x). (it’s on soundcloud and itunes) I can’t wait to spend more time with you at the Ultimates and when Uni is over we can make more plans okay friend! <3

Adrienne: Oh Adrienne. What a joy she is. Our humour clashes 8 times out of 10 but that’s what’s so great about ClexaCon, getting to get to know a wide range of people who are all different but all share the same one interest (QUEER LADIES). Your excitement is palpable and talking to you gets me to loosen up and be more carefree and spontaneous. You took this little introvert under your wing and even though your vet stories gross me out sometimes (okay all the time I’m sorry) I still love you and ClexaCon would never be the same without you. Also you hiccuping when... intoxicated, cracks me up every time I remember it. & your song was fckin incredible dude, no joke, record that shit!

Courtney: I’m so glad I got to talk to you more this year because omg you are a delight Courtney. The human personification of Hawaii. Chill, laid back, the calm amongst the storm. You made that last day fun instead of sad so thank you! Sense of humour on point and you didn’t take anyone’s shit, not even mine so good on you but also hey, pls love me. Also gives great food and sweet recommendations, even though I didn’t understand most of what was being given to me, I still bought it and trusted you. We have trust now Court, don’t ruin it. Also, is from Hawaii in case I haven’t mentioned that enough, don’t worry she’ll mention it for you. Hawaii is where she’s from btw. Did I talk about Hawaii yet?

Marcie: Wish I could have seen her more as well! After the ClexaCon weekend she earned 1 more subscriber, so, you’re welcome. Marcie has a very calming presence and I loved every conversation and experience I had with her; people often tell me that I’m judgemental (I’m working on it ok!) so that’s actually a big compliment. I was blown away by her intelligence and perspective. Very glad you got to be on the panel and I hope we meet again (*cry*) so we can talk more. 

Hannah: Volunteer Hannah! The lovely volunteer who went above and beyond for Elke and I last year and who we owe a great debt to. I only got to spend a few minutes at a time with you because you were off doing important volunteer things, but I am grateful for all the brief encounters I was graced with. Come to ClexaCon UK and we can spend all day, every day together! (bet you’re regretting ever coming up and saying hi to me now) <3 The world needs more people like Hannah and conventions need more volunteers like her who are going in for all the right reasons and not just to take selfies with Rachel Skarsten ;)

Lisa: MY FAVOURITE COMIC STRIP WRITER. Has one of my all time favourite twitter accounts that everyone needs in their life (hint: it involves lesbians and ants!) (x). We had some great moments didn’t we Lisa, like that time you tweeted a picture of your location and I realised it was exactly where I was standing; such a good meet-cute. I loved that we could have a really intense conversation 30 seconds before Chyler Leigh was about to come on stage and like, bit rude, Chyler can’t you see we’re trying to get to know each other here. I’m glad to have met you and I feel smarter for knowing you. 

Ella: Another person I literally hardly saw! Which is extremely frustrating but ahh why are cons so hectic?! An extremely lovely and compassionate person who I am lucky to have met and will continue to go on adventures with. See you in Liverpool/Manchester! I can’t wait. Drinks on me <3

Amelia & Kenzi: You guys are a package deal so you have to share a bullet point I’m sorry. Thank you for putting up with me trying to explain the rules of netball for a solid 3 hours (& thank you Amelia for understanding me). You 2 are adorable and were the best dinner table company a girl could ask for. You’re also really great at maths! & then trying to explain your working out to confused Europeans like me and Ylva who just wanted to pay for our meal using our weird fake dollars. You made that dinner very carefree and fun. CLEXACON 2019????

Also s/o to Pipes (x), Alex (x), Maddie (x) who I loved getting to meet and want to see more so I can give them the shoutout they deserve! I will continue to admire their respective works from afar.

[bisluthq]

My take on klossy and Taylor friendship is that it reminds me of one I had when I was around 21-22 and it was very similar to how Taylor wrote that bit about ‘we’re in our twenties! Let’s be friends! It doesn’t matter if it’s for life’ section of her 30 lessons before 30 for Elle.

So this girl and I worked together and we never spoke about more than work and casual conversation. Then one day we found out we shared a VERY niche interest and were both super passionate about it and so excited to have someone to share our excitement over it with. We start texting and rostering on for the same shifts and become friends. A few months later we go to an event celebrating our niche interest and have the best time, we basically became obsessed with each other and sent each other memes all day and all that ‘I saw this and thought of you’ cute shit (it was purely platonic btw). At this point our friendship is very surface level though and apart from our niche interest, we’re not interested in any of the other hobbies and interests lol.

Then one day we’re both feeling shit and not in the mood for jokes and we talked about our feelings and ended up having one of those 6 hour conversations that goes into the early morning, and we had so much in common and viewed the world the same way and had similar trauma (lol) and we were pretty much besties after that and spent most days together, met each other’s friends and family and anyone else we mingled with. I took her to things I liked and she took me to things she liked and we had fun but still didn’t really like the stuff we were each into. Then our niche interest fell apart and we weren’t really into it anymore. But we had this insane emotional connection and could have fun or feel comforted being around each other and just hanging out doing nothing, but we didn’t share a single interest and really didn’t enjoy the things each other was passionate about. Like we’d have fun watching her foreign film and my blockbuster, but just couldn’t get into the deeper stuff, even though no one knew our minds like each other or sense of humour.

Eventually our friendship fizzled and I think in part we were both trying way too hard to stay BEST FRIENDS because that’s what we *should* be to each other. And we got each other at such a deep level but it was like we were either having super deep conversations or very casual conversations and it just wasn’t as fun anymore and then became a bit awkward because we knew each other’s deepest thoughts but not much else.

I can kind of imagine something like that happening between Taylor and klossy because it seemed like an intense take off and they were glued at the hip and did have a lot of surface interests in common, and assumably by the things they both said, had a deep emotional friendship, but I think - and please forgive my wording here - I think you can love someone’s soul but not enjoying their human. Like their kindness and honesty and being a great listener might be perfect, but if their person does things your moral compass doesn’t agree with or focus all their energy on stuff you don’t get - it’s hard to be friends with that — even without any betrayals or emotional letdowns.

I’m still friendly with the girl I mentioned and every now and then we catch up and have a great time doing nothing but talk, but we’re more suited to being friends who see each other a few times a year and talk for an entire day and send the occasional meme, than we are the sort of people who call each other in a crisis or celebration moment (like getting engaged sort of celebration). It’s weird to explain. And it’s weird because at times I miss the friendship we had, but it was also so intense it wasn’t sustainable. If it was a romantic relationship it would’ve been the cliche that was super strong super fast and then just awkward conversations at dinner and wondering if you should break up with them or try to save it because there was a time when it was all consuming good lmao.

Yeah I think a LOT of young women have a friendship like that, it’s suuuuper relatable. We just don’t have it like… that public yk? But it’s a very common early 20s experience. And I think Karlie and Taylor would’ve been on okay terms if not for the Scooter blabbing like they weren’t FRIENDS anymore but they were on okay terms until like 2019 by the looks of it.

[artificialqueens]

Hey (Trixya) - JJ

AN: Hi hello there this is my first-ever fic and I am freaking the fuck out but hey it’s 3:30AM and I have the rest of the night to regret every decision I’ve ever made.

Short lil’ Trixya thing I’ve had in my mind for a while now (even tho there’s barely any Trixie in it LOL). A lil' angsty. Mostly Katya-centric and Katya/Violet friendship-centric. Drag names are used but with male pronouns (except Violet, of course, has gender-neutral pronouns).

If people are interested I’ll do a follow-up.

I welcome (and would actually really appreciate) any and all constructive criticism, please!

Thank-you so much for reading!

XOXOXO,

~ JJ

“Okay… so… how long, EXACTLY, has it been since you last spoke to him…?”

  Katya sighed and refused to look at the computer screen where Violet’s no-doubt judgemental face could be seen.

  “I dunno. Little while. Not that long.” He dared sneak a glance and immediately regretted it as he was met with one of Violet’s admittedly perfect eye rolls.

  “Bitch you didn’t even wish him a happy birthday. The entirety of the Internet freaked the fuck out. I was surprised some dumbass hashtag wasn’t trending because of it. #RIPTrixya or something. #KatyaKilledTrixya. Endless possibilities.”

  “Hey!” Katya gasped indignantly, “Just because I didn’t wish him a public happy birthday on social media does not mean I didn’t wish him a happy birthday at all! I sent him a lovely text right at midnight.

  “And besides!” he continued, “Fans are so over-dramatic. We have a show coming out soon. How can anyone think we had a falling out. Jesus.”

  “You done yet?” Violet asked. Katya shot them an annoyed look.

  “I am just saying,” Violet continued, “that it’s a little suspish. And I mean, really? A text? Not even FaceTime or a phone call? Seriously, Katya, what’s wrong?” Violet’s voice betrayed their stone-cold bitch persona, genuinely concerned for their friend.

  Katya started to deny any reason for concern but stopped himself. Shoulders slumped and looking totally defeated, he looked away from Violet’s prying eyes and focused on picking a hangnail.

  “It’s hard now.” He whispered.

  “What’s hard?” Violet prompted.

  “My dick,” Katya replies instantaneously, always turning to humour when the things get a little too serious for his liking.

  “Katya I swear to God…” Violet sighs impatiently.

  “Okay okay sorry.” Katya giggles nervously, eyes darting all over the place.

  Silence.

  “Katya if you don’t start talking soon I swear to God I will—”

  “Okay!” Katya snaps, cutting Violet off. He takes a deep breath.

  “It’s hard now—”

  “You already said that.”

  “If you don’t let me finish I am ending this call right now.” Katya threatened.

  “By all means, continue.” Violet says, smirking.

  “It's… like… ugh! I don’t know!” Katya growls, frustrated.

  “Just do what you always do and let the word vomit happen. I’m sure I’ll catch the gist.” Violet suggests.

  “Okay. So. Like. You know how part of our whole dynamic is that ongoing joke about me wanting to fuck him and him always denying me? It’s fun, right? I always thought so. Going off on those tangents was always such a gas and one of my favourite parts of all my sets. But like. Lately I don’t find it so much fun. It’s like I feel sick every time I start and then I end up going off of my usual script and saying stupid shit like ‘I wish he were my boyfriend’ or something and JESUS. I don’t know. It makes me upset now. Like we’ve gone from ‘ha ha he’ll never fuck me but I’ll sure die trying!’ to ‘wow this is really never gonna happen huh I wonder why I’m not good enough.’” He finishes with a deep sigh and waits for Violet to respond. He fully expects for them to laugh and comment on how silly this was and tell him to just get over it and move on.

  What he’s not expecting is for Violet to remain quiet and stare intensely at what he assumes is his face on their screen. There’s a bit of something (excitement? hope?) in their eyes and Katya doesn’t know what’s happening. If it weren’t for Violet’s chest moving as they breathed he would have thought the connection had been frozen.

  “Vi? You gonna say something?”

  “You’re not done. I’m waiting for you to finish.” Violet replies quickly.

  “Um. What?” Katya asks lamely.

  “Your word vomit. You’re not done. There’s more. I’m waiting.”

  “No? There’s not?” Katya is desperately trying to figure out what’s happening but comes up blank.

  “Jesus Christ do not make me spell it out for y—” before they could continue, someone calls out Violet’s name and they look over their computer at whoever it is.

  “Listen, I gotta go. I’m up soon. Call me back when you figure your fucking shit out.”

  Before Katya can even begin to formulate a response, the call is disconnected.

  ***************

  Katya tries his best to go to sleep, but it turns out to be impossible. He keeps going over his conversation with Violet in his head, trying to make sense of it all.

  He sighs deeply and turns over in his bed, reaching for his phone. Normally, when he couldn’t sleep, he’d text Trixie a multitude of weird facts and random thoughts. The other man would usually be sound asleep but would always reply as soon as he woke up, usually with a simple “Katya what the fuck” before individually commenting on every text he received.

  Normally.

  But try as he might, Katya can’t bring himself to text Trixie. Hasn’t been able to for weeks now. It’s weird. He’s used to texting back and forth every day, even when they’re on opposite sides of the world. Sure, replies may be hours apart, but they still make it work.

  He wonders if Trixie realizes they haven’t texted about anything other than the necessary reasons (such as their upcoming show) for going on three weeks now.

  Probably not.

  Katya opens up their conversation thread and types a simple you awake?

  He quickly deletes it, sounding too much like a booty call.

  hey Tracy it’s your mom

  Delete.

  you would not believe what I saw this afternoon walking down my neighbourhood

Delete.

  are you still being a good person and honouring your NDA or can we talk about AS3 now

  Delete.

  I miss you.

  Delete.

  do you miss me?

  Delete.

  you know it’s weird it’s like I can’t breathe lately and I wonder if it has anything to do with us not talking ha ha ha

  Delete.

  do you realize how long it’s been since we’ve spoken

  I don’t really know how to live my everyday life when you’re not a part of it

  Jesus Christ do you even care

  fuck you

  I hate you

  Delete.

  Delete.

  Delete.

  Delete.

  DELETE.

  He turns his phone off and shoves it underneath his comforter, deep at the bottom of the bed.

  And suddenly breathing is very hard.

  He tries to catch a breath but finds it impossible. He realizes he’s shaking and tries even harder to calm down. It’s been a while since he had a panic attack. He’s not sure he even knows how to deal with a panic attack any more.

  Because he always calls Trixie whenever he thinks he can feel one coming on.

  But that’s not really an option at the moment.

  “Come on, Katya, put that fucking yoga training to use.” He tells himself, trying to take deep breaths.

  It takes a while, definitely much longer than in the past, but he finally manages to calm down. Well. His breathing is still shaky and his hands still tremble slightly, but at least it no longer feels as if he’s about to die.

  He turns his computer on, opens Skype, and hopes Violet is available.

  Violet Chachki is offline.

  Damn.

  He types a quick 911 in the chat box and, almost immediately after hitting “SEND,” hears the familiar tone of an incoming call.

  “What’s up, slut?” Violet greets him, a light teasing tone to their voice.

  “Figured it out.” He replies numbly.

  “Mmm figured what out?”

  Okay now they’re just being a little cruel.

  “That um. That. That I…”

  “…are stupidly in love with one Trixie Mattel and want to father his biologically impossible babies?” Violet offers helpfully.

  “Yeah that’d be it.” Katya whispers.

  “And what are you gonna do about it.”

  Katya snaps his head up so quickly it’s a miracle he doesn’t cause whiplash.

  “Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I am going to bury this deep deep DEEP down and never mention it ever.”

  Violet rolls their eyes.

  “So you came to this grand conclusion for what, exactly?”

  “Well now I know. So I can hide it.”

  Violet is about to reply when Katya cuts them off.

  “We have a show coming up, Violet. We’ve built this little niche together. We are a business. I can’t let anything get in the way of that. I can’t do that to him.” Tears prick at his eyes and he can feel his breathing becoming elevated once again.

  “Don’t you fucking dare freak out on me.”

  Well. That’s certainly a different approach from Trixie’s gentle comfort. But if it works it works.

  “Listen to me, Katya, because I am only going to say this once. You’d have to be fucking blind to not see the way Trixie looks at you. Like you hang the fucking moon. And yes I am aware of the fact that platonic love is very real and platonic soulmates are a thing but TRUST me when I say you two are so much more than that. It might’ve started out platonic, sure, but it has definitely grown into something so much bigger. You just weren’t ready. And now you are. So I am going to ask you one more time. What. are. you. going. to. do. about. it.”

  Katya takes a deep breath and lets it out, slowly and shakily.

  “Something really stupid,“ he replies.

  Violet grins.

  “That’s my fucking girl.”

  ***************

  Okay so in retrospect hauling ass to Trixie’s place at four o’clock in the morning probably wasn’t the best idea.

  But here he is.

  He’s been ringing the doorbell and knocking for the past seven minutes and is seriously considering just hunkering down against the door and sleeping until Trixie finds him later on in the morning when he hears his angry voice from the other side of the door, closer with every word.

  “I swear to God this better be a fucking emergency or if you’re here to murder me you better get it right on the first try because I am pissed the fuck off right now and could probably kill a man!”

  The door is swung open angrily.

  Trixie’s angry face quickly turns to one of shock.

  Katya smiles shyly.

  They stare at each other.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey.”