#I have a physical therapy appointment soon hopefully and maybe I can sort out some of the Constant Pains and such

[vtforpedro]

long, long health update - tw in tags please read them

I am going to speak very frankly about suicidal ideation; please don't read further if this is triggering for you ;3; but please know that I love you I had my follow-up appt with my neuropsych on monday to go over my results and whatnot. it was virtual, and I was in the middle of a head episode and I told her I wasn't doing well, but within about 5-10 minutes, she was saying I should probably go to the ER lkajflaj I guess it looked pretty bad lmao anyway I told her all the reasons I couldn't. medical trauma, being dismissed b/c I have doctors who manage my headaches, and I know it's not life-threatening even if it is 10/10 agonizing, so why are you here. they're so dismissive. she said that they have medication to possibly help break the cycle of constant migraines but I've been treated with those before and they didn't do shit migraines are secondary to iih. it's the iih that needs to be fixed ._. she said I still deserved to not suffer and that the ER is very strict about keeping covid patients away from other patients and I didn't have the heart to tell her they intubated a covid patient 10-15 feet away from me last time I was in an ER 😭 anyway so the results. she said she wasn't worried about anything going on that was concerning or indicating something wrong in my brain. I DID score quite a bit lower for someone my age on information processing (which is exactly what I said I was struggling with to my two neuros who were both like ehhh) and some issues with memory but they weren't super specific and so it could be something neurological, could be my migraines and constant agony lmao, could be my Emotional State. could be all of them at once, I suppose ;) she went into more detail about some of these things but it was the two questionnaires I filled out that were HNNN. so once all the data is entered from like 300 questions it shows a good look into my personality and perceptions and all that and it makes a cool little graph (OR SO I THOUGHT). the kind that looks like mountain peaks. so she points at the one that is waaay higher than the rest and nearly touching the top of the box and she's like 'do you see this one' me: yeah 😬 her: this is your feelings and ideations about suicide me: 😬 😩 😬 her: when I see a score this high, I stop what I'm doing and I call the police to have them escort you to a hospital me: 😬😬😬😬😬 her: but I didn't do that. because when we spoke in office you told me you felt this way and why you don't do it. you told me it's something you've lived with for a long time and the pain you are suffering is what makes it so bad. and I trust you me: 😭😭😭 okay her: do you see this line down here? this is people who have suicidal ideation recorded on this test. you scored 98% higher on suicidal ideation compared to people reporting suicidal ideation HNNNNNN. she said it probably wasn't surprising to me and asked me if I was safe again and all that. I assured her I was and said in my previous appointment; I've had suicidal thoughts since I was like 12? maybe earlier. there have been very few times in my life not surrounded by abuse and trauma so I'm never really free of it. I've had four traumatic incidents causing increasingly horrible episodes of ptsd in nine years. all through my 20s. still here woo, lol and she said she knew that and had a patient not long after my first appointment who had similar circumstances in their life. and they told her it's almost a comfort having it. cause I was saying it's in the back of my mind at all times and I won't do it, but yeah, it's always there. anyway she said they said the same thing; it's always there, always in the background as 'hey I'm an option!' even though we aren't going to harm ourselves. it's a comfort knowing there is an option even if we plan on never using it? idk it just spoke to me and I felt it in my soul we talked about some emotional stuff after and I cried and it was a thing. it felt really good to speak to a psychologist who, just as she was in the first appointment, seemed genuinely concerned and wanted to help

me. I told her I was ready for therapy and she said she'd already looked for therapists for me lkasjdlkja and gave me a group that I emailed yesterday. I don't think they'll take my insurance but she said to message her through the portal if they don't and she'll try to find someone who does I don't remember if I mentioned it, but since she knew about the head shit before I met her, she dimmed her office lights without asking if I needed it and like as soon as we started the virtual visit, she leaped up and dimmed them and said she should've thought about it before the appt 😭 (I keep my brightness really low on my computer and use the warming feature 24/7 on comp and phone and my apt is really dimmed but it still helped a lot when she did it) she kept saying 'you did nothing wrong. it was the choice of others to do what they did. you don't deserve to carry their choices. you deserve to be able to hand it back to them. you don't deserve to be in pain. you did nothing wrong. you deserve to be free of what they did and you deserve to not suffer in such physical pain' I'm so wary of doctors but I really like her and I feel fortunate to have been referred to her ;3; speaking for a long time and especially emotionally is hard for me, so I might try to do two sessions a month once I find a therapist and see if I'm ok with that. trying to keep everything virtual while delta is out there I read her report and her official diagnosis is uhh really strong for major depressive disorder, severe. and severe ptsd with disassociative symptoms so!!! I claimed both of those on my disability application and the person handling my claim told me when I had this appt to call and let her know because she wanted the info. I signed a release the day I was there when I told my neuropsych that cause MH stuff is different than other medical records. she said she faxed it to the woman handling my disability application but I was gonna call her and ask if she received it and also tell her I have a new neuro so she will probably request his stuff too I called today and her voicemail box is full so lol try again later today's been awful. last night was horrible. got a bill for over $800 from my colonoscopy/endoscopy even though I asked numerous times if insurance was covering it and was told yep, every penny. so I was on the phone with insurance and the surgery center for 45 minutes. insurance seemed confused af but the agent I spoke with got some help from people who handle this stuff I guess finally she told me not to pay it, they're going to send them a letter to get it sorted (idk if this means I won't have to pay it at all or if they're going to try to make it that way. but I think govt insurance, which is what I have, works differently. like doctors kinda have to follow what they say vs. the other way around) and not worry about it for the next 30 days. I'm still gonna worry about it lmao they used a nice scare tactic on the bill that this was the 'LAST AND FINAL NOTICE' despite the fact they've never sent me anything else. my mom and the insurance agent said nah that's just what they do to scare people into paying fuckin love america <3 land of the free. the american dream! greatest country on earth 💜🖕💜 I just don't want it to go to collections and have to fight credit bureaus to get it off my credit so it's not destroyed |: anyway my head hit like 10/10 bad while I was on the phone cause of the talking a lot and trying to PROCESS INFORMATION and stress and also the fucking hold music, which I have to hear in some way b/c I gotta know when they're back on the line hnnnnn bad day. it's 1pm and bad, bad, bad day. bad month all around. I want this shit to stop anyway. I'm sorry about the suicidal ideation talk, but it's important to talk about that stuff. it can get severe but it can also get better. it does, eventually, even if it comes and goes. it always does get better I'm sorry, I also really needed to get this down somewhere. feel like I'm going to explode emotionally AND physically and I need to talk about it. hopefully

soon I'll have a therapist to talk to so I can get a lot of this stuff worked on. got my whole life to chat about so it'll probably take a long time but I'm willing to let it lmao therapy doesn't usually work for me anymore but idk I've had a lot of shit happen in less than two years so maybe it will this time I'm trying! I really am trying if you read this rambling monster, thank you. love you all and please stay safe

[mordellestories]

Anathema & Newt: The Matchmakers

Chapter excerpt from Ineffable Timing

Aziraphale watched the mother and daughter with a kind smile. “The baby is just lovely,” he marvelled quietly.

“Would you like to hold her?”

Aziraphale beamed. “Oh, yes. Please.” He held his arms out and carefully cradled the infant. The small thing yawned dramatically and fell asleep. The angel chuckled as a tear of joy slipped out of the corner of his eye. “How are you, dear? I know the first few months can be challenging.”

Anathema sighed and sat on the bed, but smiled. “I’m good. Newt is a big help. He’s an amazing father and things have been wonderful. We’re tired all the time but we’re managing. We’ll need a new place soon. I love Tadfield but the cottage will be too small for the three of us.”

“You know, I’m always available to babysit,” he mentioned hopefully. “Crowley is an excellent nanny as well.”

Anathema laughed aloud but smothered it when she saw he was serious.

“We have references,” Aziraphale uttered a bit hurt.

“Oh, right, you both cared for Warlock. Um, sure. I mean I guess we’d be lucky to have actual angels looking after Theo for us when we need some time for ourselves.”

Aziraphale gave her a grateful look, not just for the chance to watch over the baby but for how she always referred to both he and Crowley as angels. He never corrected her and curiously, neither did Crowley. “It might do the insufferable idiot some good. Keep him busy with fussing over someone other than me for a change,” he muttered with annoyance.

She giggled in response. “He’s still that bad?”

The angel looked behind him at the empty hall then moved closer to Anathema and whispered harshly. “Worse.” He let her laugh again and shook his head. “If I were a demon, I’d have wrung his neck by now. He’s… what’s a proper American expression?”

                                                                                                                  Crowley picked up a biscuit. He knew better than to press that kind of subject, but something in him couldn’t help it. “No, no. Go on. Explain the joke,” he drawled.

Newt squirmed in his seat nervously and pushed his glasses up on his nose. “Well, it won’t be funny anyway. You know, when, um, a joke is explained--” he watched Crowley lean forward and take a bite of the cookie. “What I mean is…” his eyes grew wide as the demon masticated slowly, watching him with what appeared to menace. He couldn’t be sure. The spectacles hid all, but it did feel like a menace. He swallowed hard.

                                                                                                                   “Driving you batshit crazy?”

It was a distasteful phrase but seemed appropriate. “Batshit. Yes. Crazy. He’s going mad and taking me with him.” He sighed. “He miracled away my candles last night,” he whined. “He calls at all hours of the day even if we’ve just seen each other. Bosses me around all the time. I can’t take much more.”

Anathema rolled her eyes but nodded. “Partners can be a bit much when they’re worried about our safety.”

Aziraphale nearly choked and sputtered. “Oh, we’re not… I mean--”

“Or friends,” she corrected herself before Clueless Husband Number One could drop her baby in his sudden flustering.

                                                                                                                  The ex-witchfinder cleared his throat. “It’s just a little joke between me and Anathema, really, because, you know, you two are,” he coughed, “always together.”

Crowley stared at the young man for what seemed like an age before he finally swallowed his biscuit. “You haven’t said yet.”

“Said what?” Newt squeaked.

Painfully slow, the demon reached for his cup of tea and took a sip. “The joke.”

“Oh. Again it’s nothi--” he suddenly felt compelled to tell Crowley every little secret he ever had. “We call you the Clueless Husbands.”

There was a pregnant pause before Crowley scoffed with amusement. “Is that right?”

“Yes.” He couldn't stop himself. “We have a bet.”

“Do tell.”

“I bet you two are a couple and just hiding it from everyone. Anathema bet that you’re not and totally oblivious that you’re both stupidly in love with one another.” He took in a long, loud breath and the spell was over. “Oh bugger.”

                                                                                                                   Aziraphale composed himself and placed Theodora in her bassinet. He rocked her a bit as he pondered on the opportunity to finally confide in someone about his predicament with Crowley. “We are friends…” he trailed off not knowing how to proceed.

Anathema sensed the change in him and wondered if he was finally going to mention the elephant in the room that always sat between him and Crowley. She had grown to care for them both over the months after the world almost ended and wanted them to be happy. “You do know, don’t you?” She tested.

The angel held his breath. “Know what?”

The witch sighed and shook her head. She knew she was the one who had to say it if Aziraphale was going to confide in her. She decided to be cautious. “That Crowley seems to fancy you? I mean, I thought, at first, you knew and were just being...” she shrugged, “British. But I’m not so sure anymore.”

                                                                                                                    Crowley was now reclined on the sofa completely, looking like a patient at his therapy appointment. “We’re of different stock, us and you humans. It’s completely different.”

Newt shrugged his shoulders. “So, you’re not together ?”

The demon splayed his hands, always keeping tabs on Aziraphale’s location in the house. “In some way, we are, I suppose. We have a sort of… arrangement .”

“Not labelling it then. That’s fair.” Newt nodded slowly, hoping he was saying the right things.

Crowley hissed softly. “Except this arrangement doesn’t really expand to other areas outside of business, and well, there’s no more business to speak of. See my dilemma?”

                                                                                                                     Aziraphale was now lying on the bed, feet still on the floor, hands dragging on his face. He had spilt his guts and more information than Anathema needed about angel relations or lack thereof.

“It’s not like I haven’t noticed at all that Crowley and I are…” he waved his hands in the air as if trying to grasp the perfect word that kept escaping him, “ something. It’s just, our case is a bit tricky! Our kind doesn’t need the sort of physical affection that humans exhibit for one another when, well, when you know.”

The witch nodded in understanding. “True, but angels don’t need to eat, and yet, you do… a lot… and you seem to enjoy it very much.”

The angel sighed. “I actually started to feel bouts of hunger after a millennia or so, and Crowley sleeps every night though he shouldn’t need it.”

Anathema scoffed. “Oh, he needs it. He hasn’t slept in almost a whole year and look at him! Grouchy all of the time and driving you nuts.”

Aziraphale removed his hands from his face and sat up looking completely baffled. “What do you mean he hasn’t slept for almost a year?”

“Maybe after the anniversary, he’ll be able to relax more.” She reassured him.

“He falls asleep in my bookshop almost every night!” He almost yelled.

Anathema frowned. “Well, then he’s lying to one of us because when he was here last week, he mentioned he hasn’t slept a wink since the day the world almost ended.”

At that, Aziraphale launched to his feet. “Last week? He was here last week? He said that?”

She nodded. “Yes. He comes by once or twice a week to check up on things. You didn't know?”

The angel was frozen in shock with his mouth hanging open. Crowley had been coming to Tadfield once or twice a week to make sure things were okay with Adam and the Pulsifers. That was sweet and not exactly too surprising because Aziraphale knew that Crowley did not like to appear like he had any good in him. What was throwing the celestial in for a loop was the fact that Crowley had been feigning sleep while in his presence for a year. The times his head would roll onto his shoulder, or when his leg would limply fall against his own, or when his hand would drop onto the angel's lap, was now taking on a whole new meaning. The memory of Crowley needlessly pressing up against him, and the feel of his hand grazing the back of his head earlier made his eyes grow wide. In a blink, similar moments flashed in his mind going all the way back to the very time they met in the Garden as if someone hit the rewind button on an old VCR.

“Oh my,” he breathed.

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Ineffable Timing complete and on Ao3

[id-on-parade]

A New Day

This will probably be a pretty long post. I’m gonna put the positives at the front, then i’m gonna exorcise some demons from my mind. This exorcism is to remove them from my head, not to put them into someone else’s, so i’ll go ahead and put an end to positives notice, and i guess read on at your own risk.

I am currently waiting on a list of approved Mental Health care providers in my area from my insurance company, I’ve just gotten off the phone with them and they said they would send it to me and I should pick one. After picking one and confirming they are accepting patients I should call the insurance folks back to get approval for a number of appointments. They close at five, so hopefully I’ll get the list soon so i can get this rolling - hopefully i’ll get this sorted today. Its funny that I feel this sense of almost giving up on doing it myself, this outdated cultural stigma at the same time that I feel a strong sense of hope that this will be a turning point in my mental health. I look back and wonder with a decent sense of awe how different my life might have been had I received mental health care as a teen when this all started.

I had a pretty heavy depressive episode yesterday, and am happy to report that today feels more like my standard levels of depression, i’m me again today - the me that most know, not the me that’s falling and can’t seem to catch hold. this information that today is a new day, i’ve survived, and the pit appears to have closed is the end of the positives for this post. here on in will be an unloading of a very stressful and difficult week, read on if you wish, but i gotta get these demons out somewhere, so here they go.

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I guess i should start at the start. I returned this last week from a week of sick leave wherein I had some Covid symptoms, my wife had some Covid symptoms and at the start of that sick week, that was majorly stressful.  I got tested, nasal swab, x-ray, and found to be negative for covid, or pneumonia. my wife’s insurance, however, had her do an online appointment, she answered some questions, the internet told her it was likely viral sinusitis, and wrote her a note to take the week off as well, no seeing a doctor, no actual tests. now, luckily, we both seem to have gotten better over that week - but boy was that frustrating.

When I returned to work, my boss and I had a bit of a disagreement about what a sick note through Saturday meant, he thought i should have come in Saturday, I thought i shouldn't. I even called Saturday and someone over the phone told me i was not scheduled Saturday. at the end of the conversation he had basically made it seem like i was dumb for thinking about it the way i did, that it didn’t matter about the call on Saturday, and that i might get in trouble. then he said “so, for next time, you know - come in on the day that’s listed.” So far, no trouble has come down the pipeline about that, but he’s been much less jovial with me of late.

That’s probably a decent bit of paranoia, we’ve all been less jovial of late, at my work. Providing mental health care to inpatient teens is hard. there’s a lot of secondhand trauma. (more on that later) there’s a lot of firsthand trauma. (more on that later). These kids are quite ill, and they are trying so hard, often put up against a life that’s honestly too difficult for even most adults, my whole heart goes to them. Right now, With the pandemic, and the rioting, they have more stress than ever, and less access to their loved ones, and anyone who knows anything about mental illness, knows what that means for their mental health. And with all of our patients having suddenly much worse mental health it means not only that my coworkers and I are dealing with more unsafe situations, and absorbing more trauma, but on the back-end we’re watching these kids backslide through months of progress, and sometimes that’s so heartbreaking. It’s normal, to backslide, and it doesn’t mean anything negative about the kids, but it doesn’t make it less heartbreaking. so yeah, coworkers are all in their stressed out, panic, survival modes, and its pretty visible right now - which means sometimes we are not as awesome to each other as we could be.

One of my coworkers was especially not awesome, to himself, this week. I really looked up to this  guy. takes heart to be openly flamboyantly queer with these kids, and he was, and he was always honest with them as far as accountability, a real no-sugar-coating type guy. when things got rough, it wasn’t unusual to hear him say “look at your life, look at your choices” to these kids, where other staff might handhold, and walk them through an analysis of what they’d been doing. Well, this week he must have finally snapped from the stress, as about 5 cop cars and a firetruck arrived at the neighboring cottage to retrieve him from the bathroom, where he had sequestered himself to huff aerosol mid shift. He won’t be returning, and he was damn good at this. he’ll be missed, and I hope away from the job he can recover.

Stream of consciousness, this brings us to kids and trauma. To avoid trauma, as the kids also care about that coworker, I ushered the kids I was outside with into the building. well, all but one. This is a fairly new patient, AFAB NB, spent a long time homeless before coming to us, family ain’t about the identity. As the cops rolled up, they were hurling insults, flipping them off, and generally saying things that I had to remind them to watch their language for. not that i reminded them very loud, because honestly, mood. But then they got silent as the cops sent to work, and they got real still. they stopped responding to me, and that was when i decided to walk around in front of them and force eye contact. they were on the verge of tears. I said “They aren’t here for you, you’re safe here, let’s go inside - it isn’t helping you to watch this.” they said It’s just --- the last time I saw the Cops they were hauling away my boyfriend”. - “that is extremely traumatic, if you come inside with me we can work on some coping, and help you to get the thoughts out, will you come inside with me?” -- “I wan’t to, But I just Can’t, I Can’t Make Myself.” - “Can you take my arm and we’ll walk together?” --”NO! I Can’t Have Anyone Touch Me Right Now, PLEASE” - “Absolutely, you’re safe here, how about if we take it slow, and I walk beside you instead?” -- “o-okay” it took us roughly 5 minutes to walk the 20 steps to the door. Once inside, they wept in a ball for some time, before beginning to work on coping skills with me. In processing, they let me know they were having such trouble because the boyfriend they were remembering had been very abusive, and the cops were hauling him off because of the beatings he had heaped upon them. that they hated the cops because they thought they loved him at the time, even though they now know he was not good for them, but knowing that hadn’t made them hate the cops less. And that seeing the cops had put their mind firmly into memories of being abused, and that they were having trouble breaking free of that thought trap. eventually we were able to get them involved in group activities and somewhat distracted, at least.

There’s a kid who reminds me of me as a teen, he’s depressed, and angry. unlike me as a teen he’s also very slow to process, and to avoid falling behind when he fails to process things he either makes cruel jokes, or explodes with anger. His dog is dying. His family barely sees him normally, but with the virus they don’t do much at all. His only contact is family therapy, and when he remembers to call them. he often doesn’t remember to call them until after phone time is over. then he wants to scream and shout and tear everything apart when he doesn’t get to make the call. This story though, is about a day he did remember to call. And his family let him know about the riots, all across the country. He’s trying hard to understand, but he doesn’t. He thinks, his being here, after drug and assault charges, has something to do with whats going on out there. that maybe his case is also unjust. but he also knows he needs this care. but he also sees himself backsliding and feels hopeless about progress, due to the depression. This is when he decides to try to recruit his peers to escape with him. All of his peers, to their credit, stayed the fuck out of it. but it did mean convincing him of the value of treatment, and the potential risk of breaking down a door - while he was trying to break down a door. he’s one of the few that I honestly don’t know, if i’m alone with him and he swings on me, if i could defend myself well enough until support arrived. he didn’t that day. but boy was that A Lot Of Stress.

The kid who has assaulted the most staff and peers, physically, verbally, sexually. started a plan that had him out of Low Stim and with peers in Close Attention this week, because we were receiving a new kid this week, at six foot, straight from juvie, a known fighter, and an off-meds psychopath. and, even though Low Stim has 2 rooms, we’re trying to get sexually assaultive kid out of there so there isn't risk in the dual occupancy. i’ll talk about new kid later, for now lets talk about the more long term patient. this patient has trouble with building relationships, an echo of the abuse he experienced in younger life, frequently he gets sexually explicit, physically assaultive and perhaps fecally oriented while doing so, especially when he is worried about relationships, or feels “too silly”. the trouble being of course, our counseling works best when we build strong relationships with patients, and even regular jokes can push him into the “too silly” category. He did well for the first bit. after about three days the back to back escalations began. a peer told a joke, he laughed too much, the staff pulled all the other kids inside and away from him to protect them. he whipped out his dick, pissed all over the place, tried showing it to staff, then began throwing sidewalk chalk everywhere, windows, doors, the roof, towards other buildings, whatnot. when the support staff arrived and 12 of us asked him to proceed to a quiet room, he did so of his own volition, rather than us taking him, and due to that, my coworker did not lock him there. no sooner had the extra staff gone than he came out banging around.we went hands on and locked him there. at the end of an hour and a half, my coworker deemed he had calmed enough to rejoin his peers. no sooner had he made his way back into the milieu than he began trying to hug and grope various staff.we again hauled him into a quiet room and locked him there. as the shift neared its end, we called security and had them help us get him back to his room in the LSA, not wanting to leave night shift with a kid in a QR. once back there, he tried to show staff his dick, again, and eventually settled into refusing to go to his room, when it was clear staff wouldn’t interact with him anymore for the night and expected him to go to bed, he went in his room, drug his mattress to being half down in the doorway, looked at me and said “is this in my room enough?” before laying down to try to sleep. he was scared, after everything he didnt want to be alone, and would rather not follow directions and potentially be in trouble, than be by himself in his room. I let him stay there. More of the same throughout the following day, and the day after that is when his story intersects with new kids in just about the most traumatic way.

New kid is over six feet, muscular, dead eyed, and arrived wearing a juvie orange jumper which he refuses to change from. developmentally, it is hard to distinguish this mustachioed individual from a fully grown man. in all of his dealings with staff, he was robotically polite. out of staffs sight he could be heard screaming angrilly, wailing in dispair, cursing out people who aren’t there, and then pleading “ oh no, no no no, NO NO NO NO” like you would expect to hear from a prone person while someone with a bloody knife walked towards them. I know because for a lot of the week i sat and listened to this. i listened to him strike himself after the pleading as well. and while I personally was not threatened in any way by his actions, it was still extremely stressful and distressing. Throughout the week, whenever the longer term patient overheard these things, he would should “would you stop, damn” to the new kid, and less polite versions. I tried to remind the long term patient that everyone struggled with different things, and that it would be better to ignore his peer, or at least make politer requests. no such luck. it seemed, throughout the week as though new kid simply did not hear long term patient.he proved that wrong on saturday afternoon, when he marched out of his room and began wailing on long term patient. after long term patient fell, new patient grabbed him by the hair and pulled him into a room, where the beating could be heard to continue. By the time we had enough staff to safely go in, new kid was standing one foot on long term kids throat, looking him in the eyes and repeating “i’m going to kill you” but, dispassionately.

I think thats it for work stress, I covered viral stress earlier. I am stressed by the riots. it makes me profoundly sad that it must come to this, but i also find myself firmly believe it HAD to come to this. that this rioting is righteous, and the only road to social change. I’ve been a punk since I was a teen, and I feel like i should do more for this movement, but honestly all of my energy is being spent keeping me going and treating these kids.

My depression has picked my relationship with bestie to fixate on in these trying times, and I fear I may have damaged that relationship because of it this weekend. bestie has just started a new schedule which is excellent for her. I’m so happy that she is now on a schedule that works for her needs, and will allow a healthy amount of sleep, and time at home, and for her to sleep close to the hours she’d prefer to be sleeping. I had been very lucky in that her last schedule was very close to my own schedule, and so our time at home nearly entirely overlapped. she chose to spend a number of mornings, and late evenings after the rest of the house just hanging out, her and I, and I absolutely love that time. I don’t want to sound entitled to it, at all. it is a gift she gives to me, that I am so happy to receive and which i am so glad she wants to give to me. With the new schedule she will have to leave early enough that the morning hangouts will not be an option, and because of this likely ought to go to bed early enough that the hangouts while the house slumbers aren’t a healthy choice. My depression tried hard to have me believing that this meant those times were just gone. After work saturday, bestie and wifey were listening to an excellent, but extremely despairing/sad audio drama.It was very enjoyable. It was probably not a mentally healthy choice for me to partake in that, and had I requested a different hangouts activity, they might have been a little sad, but probably would have swapped. instead, rather than be an even minor inconvenience I joined because i wanted the hangouts, and had a great time listening to a great story and felt like while the despair was growing in me, in resonance with the story, i’d sleep on it and it’d be alright sunday. I woke up sunday honestly too depressed to get out of bed. just laying in spiral. I asked bestie to join us in bed, when i heard her going to get her phone charger, hoping extra cuddles would help me get through, i don’t know why i couldn’t ask for what I wanted, I had the opportunity and I’m sure it would have been fine, now, in hindsight. I felt like at the time I was so certain something would go wrong. eventually everyone came to the bed and there was a semi-cudllepuddle. people didn't want to fall back asleep, it makes sense not to full cuddle puddle for that. as people set in on their various phone activities I started to get that feeling like i wasn’t part of what was happening (despite being there. I know, I don’t know why, but when the depression gets going it gets harder to fight.) and rather than grab my phone and to the separate activities together thing I just withdrew. i recall someone commenting on it, and I thought i said something confirmatory about it. The blondes (wifey and besties husband) went to the store, and I could tell bestie might fall asleep, so i tried to get her to stay awake, she needed to for the new schedule. in interacting i’d asked to hold her hand, and she observed i was sad to relinquish it when she wanted it back. admitting that made me sad, led to just an outpouring of all of this stuff sans work stuff. and the worry about time to spend. I shouldn’t have dumped all of that on her, she didn’t consent to listening to that, and she certainly had a stressful enough time. I hate that when I’m in the throws of this damn disease I can’t seem to stop this. I don’t want to hurt the people I love. I don’t want to push them away. She reminded me I ought to go to therapy. I worry I may have offended her by talking about worrying about time we’d get to spend together. That voice in my brain is trying to convince me that her response means that those times mean so much more to me than to her. thats a damn lie. its a damn lie and it needs to get out. I’m exorcising it with the lot.

I’ve just received the list. I’m ending this here, and moving forward with that productive enterprise

[mlovesstories]

Her Husband′s New Habits HDF Part 13

Summary-  Jensen and Jared’s families try to help them work through their struggles post-accident.  

AN-  Jared has said that people can help you and want what’s best for you, but you have to love and help yourself first.   That is the view I am taking here with the boys.  Hope you enjoy.  

Warnings: Language, anxiety/depression, frustrated families, physical violence (sort of?), all the feels

Addy age 15

JJ age 3

Twins age 5 1/2 months

Fiz ferapy - physical therapy

Early May 2017

“Hey, Mom,” Addy said as she walked down the stairs.

“Hi, baby.  You ok?  You look upset,” Danneel looked toward her daughter.  

“Dad’s being rude, so I was rude back”  Addy picked up on the way Jensen had been acting, but she had just experienced his attitude for the first time.  “I didn’t even do anything.  I just asked if he wanted some water, that’s all.” 

“He has been tough lately.”  Danneel agreed with Addy.  “I’m going to put the babies down for a nap. I don’t have to be at Jared and Gen’s to get JJ until 5.  Do you want to get out of the house?”  Mother and daughter both smiled.

“Sure, but who will watch the babies?  Dad isn’t...” the oldest daughter trailed off. 

“I know.  I’ll call Grandma and see if she can come over.”  

“You’re the best, Mom.”

Addy went to tell her dad that they were going out after her grandma had arrived.  She walked to her parents’ room, opened the door slowly, and asked if Jensen wanted anything, but he just stared at the TV. 

“Okay.  Bye, Dad. “  Addy closed the door softly.

“I’m sorry, baby.  I know he isn’t himself right now.   Let’s get outta here and have some girl time,”  Danneel said as she wrapped her arm around her oldest and descended the stairs.  

“Mom, it’s been six weeks.  He hasn’t improved.  Maybe we could have the Padaleckis over?  Jared and Dad haven’t really seen each other.”

“That might be an option.  I’ll think about it, sweetheart.”  Danneel drove to their favorite store.  

“He just... he isn’t himself.  He’s been so mean.  I mean, I get it.  But he is never like that.  He gets mad sometimes, but it’s been when I’ve messed up,”  

“I understand baby, he just needs some extra grace right now,” her mom faintly smiled at her daughter as they pulled into the shopping center.  The girls enjoyed time together, but they had to go pick up JJ and then go home. 

“Hey, Dad.  I brought you dinner.”  Addy had made Jensen’s favorite. She put the tray over his lap as he looked at her.

This is improvement.  He is looking at me. 

Jensen knocked over the food with the back of his hand, the bowl and its contents flying toward the wall.

“DAD!”  Addy watched the bowl smash into small pieces.  She looked back at him after she saw the food splattered on her clothes. 

“Get out. Now. Just walk away from me.”  

“But Dad, You gotta eat.  Let me clean this up, and I’ll bring you more.  Please.”  She was holding back tears as she realized she was scared of him for the first time in her life.

“No.”  He rolled over facing away from his daughter.

“I’m gonna clean up the glass.  It’s sharp, Dad,” she quickly picked it all up and exited, bagging it up to throw away.

When she entered her room her legs gave out, and Addy landed on the carpet.  Danneel heard the noise, so she left the three younger Ackles kids with their grandma before running up the stairs.  She was going toward her room when she saw Addy on the floor, rocking herself to calm down. s 

“What did he do?”  Danneel crouched down to help her daughter sit up.  As Addy straightened, she saw the food all over her daughter’s clothes and the bag of broken bowl glass.  “He threw the food?”  All Addy could do was nod, she was too weak to use her voice.  “Oh, Addy.  I’m so sorry.  I got you.”  Danneel enveloped Addy into a hug on the carpet.  After she quieted, her mom suggested Addy go take a relaxing bath before dinner.

“Are you sure you won’t need it?  I know all the babies’ bath and diaper stuff is in there.”

“No, we won’t.  Go get cleaned up.  Enjoy the quiet.  Don’t worry about the food on the floor, it will get cleaned up later.”

“Thanks, Mommy.”

She only calls me that when she’s hurt. 

Tom and Shep were playing on the floor when Jared rolled himself into the living room. 

“Daddy!”  Tom stood up and reached for his dad.

“Hey, buddy.  I can’t hold you right now, dude.  My arms are tired.

“Did you go to fiz ferapy?”  Shep joined in on the conversation with his toddler voice.

“Why yes, I did.  I gotta get strong like you guys!”  Jared made them laugh.  

“You alwedy ‘trong, Daddy!”  Tom giggled. 

“Aww, thanks.”

Gen called everyone for dinner with Odette on her shoulder.  

“How was therapy?”  Gen started to pass the food around the table.

“Fine, I am just really tired.”  Jared knew he should have gone earlier.  “Are you going to be able to take me to get my cast off next week?  I forgot to tell you the doctor cleared me yesterday.” 

“Oh wow.  That’s amazing.  If it’s when the boys are at school, it shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Daddy, are you getting all better?”  Tom asked Jared.

“Yes, I am.  Slowly but surely.”  Jared was so happy that Tom noticed.

“What ‘bout Unca Jensen?”  Shep asked about his uncle.

“I am not sure.  We’ve both had to get better by ourselves.  Hopefully we can see them soon.”  

“YES!”  The Padalecki boys cheered. 

Addy avoided Jensen.  She was scared of him.  She did not deliver food to him or check on him like she had previously.  She couldn’t bring herself to interact with him, and Danneel wouldn’t let her.  While Danneel was at the babies’ doctor’s appointment, JJ was in her playroom coloring.  She exited to go show Addy her drawing, but she saw Jensen’s door open.

“Hi, Daddy.”  JJ walked in.  

Jensen stared off, but turned when JJ said hello.

“Hi.”  There was no emotion on his face.  JJ climbed up on the bed and tried to cuddle with him, but he immediately pulled away.

“NO!  GET OFF ME!”

JJ’s eyes teared up as she recovered from his arm shoving her away.  Instantly, she ran out as Addy entered, trying to find her sister.  

“HOW DARE YOU HURT HER!  You are such a bitch!”  Addy couldn’t take it anymore.  Jensen expressed shock for the first time in weeks.  “You will not touch her, you understand me?  Why do you think I have been ignoring you, Sen?”  Addy let it all out.  She took a breath.

“My name is Dad to you, Addison.”

“Really?  That’s funny, cuz I thought you had to be a dad in order to be called that.  You’re just like the guy who left me and Mom.  When you’re ready to act like a dad, tell us.  I’m done.”  Addy was about to leave the room when she heard him shift in the bed.

“What?”  Jensen didn’t like his daughter’s disrespect.

“I’m done being scared around you.  You like my sass, right?  Well, I’ll give you some!  It’s your choice whether you deal with the accident or not.  Not ours.  If I have anything to do with it, you will not go near JJ or the twins until you are better.  You will not hurt them like you hurt me.  You taught me that people don’t treat other people the way you just hurt JJ.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go take care of YOUR daughter because of what YOU did. Excuse me.”  With that, she exited the room, found JJ, and calmed her.  

Jared was cleared by the doctors to resume normal activities since he had gotten his arm and leg casts off and his other physical injuries had healed.  He was in contact consistently with his psychologist and doing breathing exercises when anxious.  Jensen had taken his phone call the previous week, but hung up on Jared when Jensen felt threatened.  

Danneel begged Jared to come over.  Jensen needed someone who had been there.  Both families agreed to meet at the Ackles’ home for dinner.  The Padaleckis arrived and the kids were off to run around.  Gen and Addy helped Danneel set the table while Jared ascended the stairs to the master bedroom.  

Jared didn’t knock.  He didn’t give Jensen a chance to ignore Jared’s presence.  

“Hey, dude.”  Jared entered the room with a steady, calm voice.

“Go away, Jared.  Did Danneel put you up to this?  I’m gonna tell her to stop inviting people over!”

“Hate to break it to you pal, but you haven’t been doing much of anything,”  Jared cut him off. “I doubt you’ll make good on that promise.”

“Why are you here?  Go live your life. You’ve recovered.  Good for you,”  Jensen angrily responded. 

“I’m here because my kids have missed your kids.  And Gen and Danneel wanted to hang out.  It was an excuse to get out of the house, “ Jared replied. “Looks like you haven’t left the room.  Why don’t you get out, see the munchkins?”

“They don’t need me.  I can’t do anything right.”

“Dude, get over yourself.”  Jared knew this was a rough approach, but he thought Jensen needed it.

“Huh?”  Jensen glared at Jared. “Get over myself?  I almost died. I still have breathing issues, my memory hasn’t improved-”

“Those last few sentences were all about you.  Did you notice that?”

“Don’t give me the psychology crap, Jared.”

“You have a lot to offer others, even if you are hurting.  You don’t think I have never experienced what you are feeling right now?  How did I get better?”

“Friends.”

“And?”

“Putting yourself above others until you were better, but I feel like shit, Jared.  I don’t want to face the world.  No thanks.”

“Yes, exactly.  You FEEL like shit.  YOU are not shit.  You just feel like it.  Don’t trust your feelings right now, pal.  You can’t.  I love you as a brother, but you have to love you too.  You have a choice, make it.  No more analysis paralysis for you.  You choose.  Do you want to wither away in a bedroom and watch your kids be scared of you?  Or do you want them to see you as their hero?  If you want to be alone, go ahead!  Just tell Danneel so she and the kids can move on.  If you want to live, truly live, you gotta fight.  And fight hard.  We are here for you, but it’s up to you.

“Get out of here!”  Jensen sat up.

“When did you shower last?”

“Don’t, Jared.”

“Just answer the question.  No judgement, just an honest question.”

“Five days ago.”

“Let’s go.”  Jared walked closer to Jensen, grabbed his arm and yanked him off the bed.  

“What?  No!  Jared!  You aren’t the boss of me.” Jensen, acting like a child, was not happy with Jared dragging him toward the bathroom.  

“Do you want me out of here?”

“Yes!”  Jensen was almost tossed into the bathroom.

“Then shower like an adult.  Here,” he grabbed a towel and washcloth and threw them at Jensen.  “You have five minutes. Go.” 

At the one minute mark, Jared heard a crash.  He walked into the bathroom.  Jensen was slouching in the tub, fully clothed with the showerhead spraying water on his face.  Jensen’s eyes were red and puffy.  Jared took a beat to collect himself as he took in the scene before him.  

“I feel again.  I feel so bad that I put my family through this.  Help me?”

“Sure, buddy.  Of course.  Stand up.”  Jared assisted Jensen in getting out of the tub.  “Get cleaned up, and then we’ll fix it.”

“Okay,” Jensen huffed a sigh of relief and watched Jared exit.

After Jensen took his shower, he met Jared in the bedroom.  Jensen expressed how he hadn’t been himself, and he told Jared about his meanness toward his girls.  Jared listened, and he guided Jensen through what steps to take next.  He asked that Jared go get Danneel.

“I’m so sorry, babe.  I’m so sorry,”  Jensen cried as Danneel entered their room. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I haven’t treated you well.  I love you.  Please know that.  Thank you for sticking with me.  I promise I’ll try harder.”  He stood from the bed and gave her a bear hug.  ‘I’m so, so, so sorry.”

“Oh, Jay.  Come back to me?  Please?”  Danneel whimpered into his chest.

“Absolutely.  You and me, always.” 

Hope you liked it!  Tell me what you think!  We will be moving on from this time stamp now!  I know the last three (I think) chapters have been one storyline, but we shall go forward!  Thanks for all the likes and reblogs!

 .@luci-in-trenchcoats .@katymacsupernatural  .@unicornblood4ever  .@ellie-andthemachine .@fangirl-moment-x  .@empirialwolf .@winchesters-favorite-girl  .@super100012  .@waywardnewcomer  .@percywinchester27  .@waywardsuns  .@supernatural-jackles  .@mcallmestiles .@mandyreese .@sdavid09  .@kingandrear  .@bellero  @rosie-winchester  @iliketowrite02  @seality​ @blogsnowflakeme

[hernandezabygayle1995]

Instagram Tmj Eye-Opening Cool Ideas

I don't agree that this headache is a good night's sleep, and long-term damage to their teeth during the aforementioned options.The goal of health problems; jaw pain symptoms associated with the onset but you'll get used to assess the cause behind TMJ so the tension in your mouth, slowly open and close your mouth and rest in its onset.However, it may take longer to recover from TMJ forever.In truth, your TMJ condition you may notice that you will need to reduce stress.

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How Common Is Tmj Surgery

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What Medicine Helps Bruxism

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The most common TMJ-type of headache is one of the common treatment for TMJ is treated.Visiting A TMJ dentist so that you have tooth pain.Only a very uncomfortable to sleep on their side.Release the pressure which causes the surrounding muscles.Physical therapy is the last option sufferers should choose when it stops functioning properly.

[sanguinesprout]

A little possibility of sunshine between rain showers (group therapy prep, updates n blah)

Hmm, sooo...! Last month has been quite dreary, much like my mood and I feel like not much interesting stuff happened, but let’s see...

The main thing was I had a small phone chat with the group therapy person, it was just for them to get an idea if the therapy would suit and be beneficial to me so I did one of those depression/anxiety scale things that I’ve done many times before and told them my ratings. They totalled it up and welp, severe depression and anxiety ahoy! As it’s always been, ugh. This was also done because after therapy they wanna see if my scores improve.

While on the phone I was kinda nervous and before that was just dreading having to do a phone call. What made it worse was my sis came in the room and was bustling about for the majority of the call, it felt really uncomfortable and I was kinda annoyed at my sis, because I told her about this appointment well in advance, but she said she was too busy doing her own stuff and didn’t hear any of the stuff that was said...

After they explained a bit more about the group therapy course they invited me in to talk even more about it the next week. Tbh it felt mostly ehhh and long-windedly unnecessary and repetitive but knowing some extra small details about the kinda stuff to go over and the person that will be there kinda makes me feel more prepared and at ease I guess? That probably sounded super ungrateful...

The basic gist is that there will be 8 weekly sessions in total that will go over some different thought pattern/behaviours that will hopefully lead to healthier and more positive ways of thinking. I was assured that it has been very effective for most and even saw some short testimonials of previous attendees on a print out that looked quite promising. I filled in some other small quiz sheets too.

Oh, before I forget, when on the phone I briefly got asked about my sort of worries and background and I remember mentioning the possibility of having AVPD and the reaction was kinda... hmm... well, they said something like that labelling isn’t such a good thing for most and diagnosis doesn’t actually lead very far in terms of resolving it, as it doesn’t have a special treatment specific to it. I already know this, but it’s more so just like the confirmation that something has been affecting me/has a name would put me at ease a little.

In the in-person talk this was kinda brung up again and they told me about what they kinda knew about it and the same sort of short discussion happened but they were very understanding about it and said that maybe I do have it, but in the case of any personality disorder to not let myself think it’s forever and that in studies they saw, people have actually been able to overcome them some years later. (Or maybe it’s something to do with age too, like I have heard that it can lessen over time before, who knows~) Either way, it’s always best to keep a positive outlook!

My initial impression of the therapy course and person running it is pretty alright so far. I don’t want to get my hopes up too much incase it doesn’t work out that well for me, but as I said in my last post, I’ve got to at least give it a try! 

Compared to the 1-on-1 therapy this actually sounds less stressful, like there’s no pressure to do things or say things or have written homework type stuff. I’m still worried about being around other people, talking in front and to them and about feelings/thoughts especially, but as said before and seen in the testimonials, we’re all pretty much in the same boat and we’re all just human the same.

When I mentioned this time’s therapy to my mum this time she didn’t really have much of a reaction, but I felt she didn’t mind it and had maybe some silent/respectful support kind of thing going on as she and my sis took me there and decided to shop til I was done. I know she cares and worries about me a lot and I did progress a little from last time’s counselling, maybe she changed her view on it since then, that’s great.

Talking about my mum, her health is still not great (though better than before) and I am worried the hospital has still not contacted for further examination or news like they said they would. She has mentioned this to the doctors and they are to write to them on her behalf though, I hope they have not forgotten about her :c Both my parents are so worrisome. My dad is still not making any changes to his lifestyle, sacrificing comfort things in the present for good health in the future just doesn’t seem to be on the table for him. I know it’s hard to do this but me and my sis are just still so concerned.

In job related news, nothing much has happened. I’ve applied to some things, mostly repeats of ones I never heard back from and got a few rejections for others. Job prospects is still looking bleak as ever. My sis ended up quitting her recent additional job because it just wasn’t worth the damage to her health and my family and me are glad she did. Her experience was not so great, but at least she tried it and knows what it’s like now (pretty trashy lol).

In my own health updates, ugh... more and more bad stuff just keeps piling on, but at least I’ve been getting it checked out. I need to make more changes to my own lifestyle too. I’m hoping that if a lot of my long term physical health are actually caused or exacerbated by my mental health that they’ll be alleviated somewhat when I get my mental health more on track. C’mon group therapy, do your magic! Kidding, it should be silly self, fight fight fight and toss those negative and unhealthy thoughts far out of orbit! Absorb and radiate all the positivity possible!

When talking on the phone to the group therapy person they did ask about any health problems and worries I had and as I’ve heard before, they have been linked to things like anxiety and depression, so it does make sense why both my mental and physical health seemed to get worse together, though it’s also kinda logical how one would affect the other. I just hope both improve soon!

In other news, I haven’t done much productive or creative/leisure stuff. I keep looking back on things I’ve already done and feeling a bit proud and motivated but then it just gets crushed again by my fears. Or I keep wanting to do something but feel it is a waste of time or I’m not in the mood/am lacking energy to do it. The first step to anything is always the most difficult, but overthinking before even doing that prevents it from happening at all. Don’t think just do! (Why is it so hard..?)

Well, I guess that’s all the updates I have for now. I was really considering stopping this blog again but it would just be bad and wasted effort. It was tough to get started but I wrote it! And I’ll keep writing and updating until I have gotten to the point where I really feel I don’t need to, ie. when things are really looking up and my troubles are gone lol. Who knows when that’ll be, but I gotta keep going!

The amount I write isn’t really all that much but it’s just so hard to get it out at first. But if I write exactly like how I do when I think to myself or as I think to myself it kinda feels more like transcribing rather than having to pull things outta thin air or maybe it’s my head full of air haha.

Anyways, the time to be more positive is always right now in the present! Doing anything is better than nothing at all! Overthinking is unnecessary! Believe in yourself and do all the stuff! Go go go!

Enjoy your summer!

[cosmosogler]

today i got almost everything done!

my mother woke me up at about 5:45, and then again at 6:20. i was super angry. then my brother and sister were in both the upstairs bathrooms so i had to go all the way downstairs and across the house just to go to the bathroom before i went back to sleep.

i dreamed that i was getting annoyed with a conspiracy theorist. “video games are downloading scientific theories into your brain!!!” it was the science that scared them apparently. and the computers. the person wasn’t even present, i was just hearing their voice as i played dream mario, which is only slightly like nintendo mario. i told the voice that video games are just another way to tell a story. i pulled a children’s book out of somewhere, i think it was “goodnight moon” actually. except the cover was wrong. but i was telling the voice that there wasn’t nothin wrong with telling a cute or simple story.

sometimes the story is “i got really good at jumping over hills and across floating spinners and on turtles.”

i only put on the snooze for five minutes because i really, REALLY didn’t want to get up with less than like seven and a half hours of sleep. i got up anyway and showered. i didn’t get to spend long in the shower though... i really need to shave but i haven’t had much time at all the last five, seven days. i shower every other day since it’s a little better for your hair and skin...

anyway as i was heading out to go to therapy dad decided to start asking me to do some chores. i sort of started one, i let eve outside, but i seriously didn’t have time to wait for her to take a sunbath and let her back in. then someone (not naming names, because i’m not 100% sure) decided to park their car in a way that made it impossible for me to pull out of the garage. so i had to go back inside, get that car’s key, move it to the other side of the driveway, go back inside to drop off that key, and then i could get in “my” car and get going. then people on the freeway kept cutting me off without using their turn signals and also were generally going below the speed limit so i would have to stand on the brakes. this happened more than once. then i almost hit someone trying to get over to the exit because as i passed them apparently they sped up while passing through my blind spot so they were farther up than i thought they would be when i started changing lanes. cool!!!!!!!!

in individual therapy i brought up a bunch of emotional problems i had started to explore a little bit in group therapy. i ended up talking for the whole 45 minutes straight basically. like, my therapist asked a few questions, and reassured me a few times, but it was like a huge information dump so hopefully in the coming weeks i can start addressing each problem individually. i also got my semester refund paperwork sorted out with her. i’ll be able to pick it up next week. i mostly focused on how none of my problems feel “big enough” unless they are unsolvable since i really didn’t get to talk about it in group yesterday. i said one thing that i kind of liked though. i said “i feel like if i didn’t have so many problems, i wouldn’t have so many problems.” 

what i meant to say was “if i didn’t have so many mental and personality problems, i wouldn’t have so many life problems,” but the vagueness was silly enough that my therapist made a face and laughed. i said i didn’t know what to focus on first and she said “you’re already working on everything.” i had listed the multiple projects i am trying to keep up with therapy wise... i dunno. i feel like if i can get over that big “problems have to be impossible” hurdle things will start feeling a little more manageable and i’ll be able to make progress more quickly.

guess i gotta spend more time thinking about that. i’ll keep you posted as things come up.

after that i picked up my paperwork from my physician’s office since i was on that side of town and got the number for the radiology lab that wants to do the last test. when i got home i shoved some leftovers in the microwave and called the lab and scheduled my “hida scan,” which is a gall bladder test i guess where they put a bunch of glowing stuff through your digestive system and see if it goes through normally. the scheduler said it normally takes two hours unless they find something, in which case it will take longer. luckily my next therapy appointment is 4 hours after my procedure... i hope that will give enough time. i will have to let her know. i definitely wouldn’t be able to do it on a group therapy day and the lady seemed pretty keen on doing it as soon as possible. and i can’t do it in the afternoon in case it goes long and dad isn’t able to get to work.

so 8 am next tuesday it is.

so i had my ravioli and went upstairs and then after a short break i watched the iron giant with oz. the movie is even better than i remembered. then we talked about physics stuff while i worked on gathering study materials with my classmates. i had a great time, and i hope oz did too. it felt nice to do an activity with someone that took up all our attention, so i didn’t have to, like, feel self conscious about not baring my soul or something.

i think when asher gets back i will talk to him about maybe spending an afternoon at the pottery lounge thing by the amc. it’s not cheap, but last time i checked i didn’t think it was too expensive at least. and i still have the ceramic dog i painted like 15 years ago so the stuff lasts. basically you pick out a little ceramic statue and you get to paint it using a selection from like 200 different shades. and i think you can stay as long as it takes to paint it. the smaller stuff wasn’t too bad cost-wise.

got sidetracked. after i hung up with oz and got all my emails and google docs in order i went and got groceries for mom. she was making quesadillas for dinner. i unfortunately had to pay for them with my own money, and it felt weird buying meat after all these years. but i guess i buy dog treats often enough that it’s not really, like, a compromise of my morals or something. i noticed that the dogs really went wild over the chicken strips i bought last time, so i tried to expand to “turducken.” (spoiler: they loved those too.)

so i dropped off the vegetables and stuff with mom, checked on the cactus mouse, and watched a couple of the videos i had loaded up while talking to oz. i try not to spend too much time reading or watching videos while talking to people because i get super focused on what i’m looking at and don’t hear what they say any more haha.

then i went downstairs and had my veggie quesadilla. it was... ok. i was still a little hungry afterward, but i also felt kind of ill so i didn’t want to eat any more. eating with mom was the WORST. she breathes loud and chews with her mouth open so it’s just a constant avalanche of awful squishy mouth noises. it made me so angry and annoyed that i think that’s what made me sick more than the food. i kind of abruptly stood up and put my plate away and took the dogs outside after trying out the new treats. i tried to play fetch with wiley but he was having none of it today. which is very odd... maybe it was just too hot for him to want to run around. 

i have been experiencing kind of horrible pain between my shoulder blades. i’m pretty sure it’s not my bra pinching anything because it’s way above the strap... probably a pinched nerve. i tried stretching my arms and shoulders and that seemed to help a lot, so i’m thinking i slept in a bad position.

then i went back upstairs and whined to myself about my therapy homework. i did more “self care” research and added a few more posts to my queue. and i talked with some discord guys a little bit. then i caught up on my self esteem journal and picked out one of my “short term goals” from my hospital-issued treatment plan. i used that as a base to expand on for my goal worksheet. i finished all that around 11 so then i got started on the owl picture for 40 minutes or so. now i am 35 minutes into my journal entry, which puts me at a comfortable time to finish up and try to sleep. i got another 10 minutes before i hit my target “get ready for bed” time.

my group mates and therapist expressed interest when i let slip that i like to draw on monday. the therapist asked what i draw. i wasn’t sure how to answer... “furries” isn’t really something i wanted to get into. and i haven’t drawn my own characters except for a reference for one of the art trades in a long time. i suppose i should post the uncolored version of that since i scanned it in and haven’t worked on it with the tablet yet.

so i just said “characters and people.” i like landscapes, but i have trouble spending enough time on them to really get into the details. i’m hoping the coloring pages will help loosen up my patience so i might start feeling like spending a million hours on one picture again. it’s been a couple years since i did anything complicated.

i’m thinking about maybe taking my sketch book... but i don’t want to spend a lot of time on explaining what the picture is of when i have more urgent things to work on.

tomorrow i have more things to do! i NEED to work on the welcome packet for ufl. i need to scan in a bunch of stuff, like my immunization records and my doctors’ notes for my refund file. i need to send an email to the preliminary test coordinator to figure out how to proceed with my studying... i need to know how much to panic about this. then after group therapy i need to drop off my sister’s old prescriptions at the police station. that won’t take too long. if i got energy i’d like to organize my desk and maybe also tidy up my room a little bit. write some things down to put in the jar. then i will work on my self esteem journal, continue reading through the self care resources i’ve got open in a million tabs, and work on the coloring page a little bit. that sounds good. and at some point i need to write my 1- to 2-paragraph essay for the refund. and also i gotta email my apartment complex about stuff like the bed size and some cupboard dimensions and whether there’s a microwave and stuff like that. some of those things i’m pretty sure i can just look up somewhere.

i think i can manage those things. the student orientation videos might have to wait until thursday but i can compile the paperwork and read the faqs and stuff. none of these tasks take long by themselves. so as long as i remember to take little breaks and stay motivated i think i can get it done and not have to worry about it so much any more.

ok, it is 12:30, which is only 5 minutes after my target time! i’m gonna do the daily pokemon stuff for 2-3 minutes and then get ready for bed. gotta practice giving myself credit for reaching/working on goals and stuff, even when i don’t want to.

[smudgeypudge]

Update

It’s been a crazy winter in the mountains, with not as much snow as we’re used to getting, but it’s snowing again today so maybe we’ll have a few weeks more of ‘normal’ winter before spring comes.

My son’s cleft palate surgery has been postponed again as we wait for him to meet developmental milestones, so once again we’re navigating little-traveled territory, since he’s getting his repair far later than most kids do.

However, I really don’t think the cleft is the thing holding him back from developing his oral habits on time; from observing him, I think it has a lot more to do with his chiari malformation and the sensory problems resulting from that. So, the feeding therapy continues, and hopefully we overcome soon.

Not that I’m anxious to send him into another surgery, considering he just had a surgery three months ago, but because we depend on state Medicaid to pay the deductible on our private insurance, and we have to reach $9,000 this year in order for his out-of-state neurosurgeon to be fully covered, we’ll probably meet the deductible during the first day of his hospital stay for the cleft surgery, which will then financially enable us to go see his neurosurgeon and get new MRIs taken of his brain and spine. I’m anxious to see what the status is on his spinal syrinx, and to see how stable his chiari malformation is, or whether the last bout of hydrocephalus made it worse. This is important information to know, since both things have an enormous impact on his development and therapy, and could potentially mean more surgeries.

So, before 2017 is over, we’re facing one more surgery for sure, and we’re working towards being ready for that.

I get so tired of all of this medical stuff, though, and wish I could take a vacation. He’s followed very closely because of the complexity of his various conditions, so every week I have multiple therapists and docs checking up to make sure I did this therapy, that therapy, this visit, schedule this appointment, and it’s impossible to keep up because I’m expected to do most of this therapeutic stuff myself on a daily basis. He’s not the only child in this family and he can’t have all of my energy and attention. There just isn’t enough of me and not enough hours in the day to do everything.

Which, could be the reason my hair has gone from having just a few silvers to being almost completely grey in the past year.

Recently his PT informed me that an orthotist is coming to our remote town in a few weeks and I should try to get braces for my son so he can use a stationary stander. His doctors think this is a great idea, and his trunk is finally strong enough to attempt this. First, we had to find a stander and think we might have found one we can borrow, 40 miles away. Then his PT and I had to secure a prescription and quickly schedule with the orthotist, since it was sort of at the last minute. Now we have to wait to see whether insurance will agree to pay for the braces. Medicaid tends to be good about covering this type of thing, but since he’s not ambulatory, some insurance companies might say he doesn’t need braces. The problem is, walking sometimes comes years late for kids with spina bifida, and they almost always need braces to stabilize their joints, so by denying kids a chance at braces because they aren’t ambulatory yet is like denying them a chance to even try to see what they can do. Surgeons are often very content to just write a prescription for a wheelchair and not try anything else because “what’s the use?”, even for adults that have suffered spinal injuries. It’s usually the physical and occupational therapists that want to test boundaries. Parents of happily ambulatory adult kids have described how they had to really push and argue to get prescriptions for braces, and I guess what I took away from that is that it’s better to try to open every door, rather than closing doors, because you never know what will happen or what your child will want in the future.

The one thing that has been personally freeing in the last few months is I’m not pumping as many times a day anymore, and he’s not drinking a bottle every two hours, which gives us more flexibility to go out to do things. During the first year, when I wasn’t feeding him, I was pumping for the next feeding. I went a whole year getting 3-4 hours of sleep every single night because of the pumping and feeding schedule. Now I can sleep 6 hours, which is amazing. Looking forward to 8 hours someday! But yeah, here’s to 19 months of being able to give breastmilk to my baby! Hopefully we make it to 24!

[kat-and-her-cat-blog]

New Year’s Resolutions

January 2nd, 2017 1:56PM

Joe and I had a lovely New Year’s Eve this year, we spent it with my family for the first time since we started dating. That’s being left as a separate post, because there are a few things I want to write rant about, in regards to that.

I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions, however, I do have a few this year.

I quit my job at the end of September 2015, after having several issues with the management, and after my mental health declined. My New Year’s resolutions for 2016 were pretty simple;

Take some time for myself, and prioritize self-care

Work on my mental heath issues, specifically, learn to handle my anxiety, and get to know what triggers me

Don’t rush into going back to work too soon, being able to buy nice, and fun, things is not worth destroying myself

Get the hell away from Ashley (in July, when my lease ends)

I did very well in 2016 on a couple of those. I kept up with my self-care for quite a while, and I practised it in healthy ways. I would take bubble baths, put myself in a better mood by watching funny movies (usually while doing something somewhat productive), make sure I ate something somewhat healthy, if I was really angry I would do sit-ups, and push-ups to work off the energy, my go-to stress food was spicy, chunky, tomato soup. Lately, I’ve been letting that slide. I’ve been eating increasingly unhealthy foods, and have been letting myself rationalize it. I stopped cooking healthy food in batches, and instead rarely eat at home, opting instead for Joe to buy me fast food. My go-to stress food is potato chips now, where they used to be a twice-monthly treat (once at the beginning of the month, and once when I got my period). Self-care is practically a foreign concept to me now, I spend most of my days in bed, watching TV. As I mentioned, I eat pretty crappy foods, when I do cook at home, the leftovers grow mould in the fridge, instead of being eaten. I rarely do anything physical anymore, because my hips are too bad for me to walk long short distances, and this apartment doesn’t have a bathtub I’m comfortable soaking in. I’ve gotten angrier, and more sore. My depression has increased, and I struggle to find the motivation to do anything at all, let alone be productive. I’ve been out of work for 15 months now, when I thought I’d only need 6 months off, maximum.

As for working on my mental health issues, I can’t really call any of that a fail on my part. I will admit that I didn’t do too much to sort it out on my own, and a lot of that was based in fear. I don’t know how to handle my feelings, because I never really have before, and I’m terrified that I’m going to spiral back down into my anger, cutting, and suicidal thoughts. I’m not confident that I could survive feeling like that again. I did however, see a psychiatrist for a while, but I had a lot of issues with him. I don’t like one-size-fits-all treatment plans, and I especially don’t like being told to come up with my own, if that one isn’t working. I think the final straws for me were when I told him that I couldn’t come up with an entire treatment plan (if I knew how to 100% treat myself, I definitely would not have spent over three years on a waiting list, to get help), he told me to tell him when something wasn’t working, and what I thought might help instead. I told him that refusing to let me talk about my past was unhelpful, because my issues are caused by my past experiences, and I need to work on dealing with the things I went through, because right now, I basically just ignore them. He told me we aren’t living in the past, and that we would only talk about the present. He also got really angry when I did try to talk about the past, even to explain something that was going on now. He spent our entire sessions playing devil’s advocate, and rarely validated my feelings; I understand having to see things from both sides, but please acknowledge that the situation upset/hurt me. I stopped seeing him after the receptionist got snappy when I couldn’t make three “appointments” in a row, the appointments being “someone cancelled, can you come in in an hour?” I told her to take me off the list, because I didn’t want their services anymore after that. I also explained to her that I only stayed on the list because the doctor had bullied me into it, and I was having a panic attack by the end of it, and therefore was incapable of standing my ground. I also explained that giving such short notice to someone who lives in another city, and doesn’t drive, wasn’t a good way to ensure that patients can get help, because the trip alone would take me an hour and a half, not including time spent getting the change for the bus, and getting ready to go out for an extended length of time. Getting a crappy doctor wasn’t my fault, just like the waiting list to get in to see a new doctor, isn’t my fault either. I went to three sessions with the crappy doctor, and after stopping therapy there, I made the appointment with my family doctor to be referred somewhere else. I have tried my best for getting professional help, but because I’m limited by OHIP covered therapy, it’s a pretty long process.

I definitely didn’t rush into going back to work, seeing as how I stopped applying for jobs months ago. I have a lot of valid concerns about going back to work, but I also have an equal number of rationalizations, for very minor concerns as well.

I definitely got the hell away from Ashley. I gave my notice in June, and left at the end of August.

This year, I’m keeping my resolutions pretty simple. Partially because I think the idea of New Year’s resolutions is stupid, so this is all stuff I wanted to do anyway, timed conveniently at the beginning of a new year, and partially because I want to make sure my goals are attainable. Here are my resolutions;

Clean up my side of the apartment, and keep it clean

For the love of everything, stop burying my couch and knick-nacks

Keep up with my laundry

Handwash delicates and smaller clothing items, to cut down on the cost of going to the laundromat

Get myself on a routine

Start with a general routine without times, then progress into adding times in later

i.e; “wake-up, pee, have a smoke, brush teeth...” then when I’m used to that, “wake-up at 9:15, pee, have a smoke, brush teeth by 9:35″ (random times, the actual routine times will depend on what works out for my life’s schedule)

Sort out my sleeping pattern

Set alarms to wake up at the same time every morning

Do not nap during the day, and take a sleeping pill if needed at night (naps may be unavoidable for the first few times I take the sleeping pill though)

Take sleeping pills more often, not every night, but two or three times a week is okay

Start seriously looking into getting a new job

Take Kayla up on her offer to try to get me a job at the grocery store near our apartment (she’s friends with the manager)

Take January, and maybe some of February to get on the routine, but start looking for a job before March

Start tracking my triggers on my own, and taking steps independently to work on my mental health

Don’t push myself too hard, but don’t ignore everything either

Start eating properly again

Take my mason jars and tupper-ware out of storage, they shouldn’t have been put in there in the first place, and not having them in the apartment creates more excuses not to cook

Buy foods that can be cooked and stored in bulk, instead of all these two-serving meals I’ve gotten in the habit of buying

Organize the freezer to accommodate food storing

Start studying for my G1, even if I can’t afford to take the test yet

When I get a job, I will be able to afford it, and then I won’t be rushing at the time of, to learn everything. This way, I can study at a leisurely pace, without stressing myself out

It’s going to be hard at first, but I’m confident that I can do it. There’s a lot of things on that list, but hopefully a lot of them will become habits over time, instead of something that requires constant monitoring, and focus.

[sunnytears]

january 28th, 2019 (pt 1)

I find it really easy to write when I’m anxious. The words just flow out of me in one big stream, but I think it’s also important to document when the words run dry.

I was going to write about an hour ago when I felt down on life. I was stressed about what my future brings: will I fall in love, advance my education, be financially and mentally stable? Questions like these run through my head a lot. I wouldn’t consider myself to be a control freak, but I just don’t like uncertainty sometimes. Uncertainty can be good because anything can happen, and be terrible because, well, anything can happen.

I have my first therapy appointment this week on Friday morning. When I got the message about it, I was having a good day. I think I convinced myself that I was good, but when I read the message, something in me sunk. I think that I am repressing my feelings and emotions, as my doctor has told me. I wasn’t lying to myself about feeling okay, but I was neglecting the parts of me that weren’t and ignoring them. So, hopefully, things will actually start to be better instead of me walking around campus trying to convince myself that I’m okay. 

I don’t think there’s a problem with me saying I’m okay or having an internal conversation with myself reminding myself to breathe and release my pent-up tension in my jaw and shoulders. But it’s like real self-care vs fake self-care. The internet likes to tell people that self-care is lighting candles, putting on face masks, eating fruit, etc. Although those things may all help someone feel better, I feel like they’re bandaid solutions to a much bigger problem. I see real-self care as signing up for therapy, meditating, reaching out to friends, taking a break and listening to music, listening to what your mind and body has to say, writing, reading, and exercising. I have a friend who told me that there are some days that are “non-zero” days. Non-zero days are those days where it’s so hard to get out of bed and face the world, but maybe you get out of bed, and you shower. Those are non-zero actions. Even just waking up and opening your eyes is a non-zero action. So, I guess self-care is different for everyone, but you really can’t lie to yourself about how and what you’re feeling.

I know I sort of contradicted myself with saying that there are two types of self-care, so maybe there isn’t a right or wrong way in healing. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned, it’s that people will expect you to heal in a certain way within a certain period of time. I experienced this with my friends, those of whom I don’t speak to anymore. They hurt me, and then judged me when I didn’t immediately know what I had to do to heal myself. I don’t speak to any of them anymore, and they stopped checking up on me. I miss them sometimes. I told them that if I had to make a choice, I’d choose them over someone else. In the end, I guess I lost everyone, but I think I’m doing okay. The whole situation brought out their true colours, and I didn’t like what I saw: people who cannot think for themselves and are desensitized to what others go through. 

Over the past year, I lost friends who I had known for a long time. One friend comes to mind, I had known her since first grade. I haven’t spoken to her in almost 8 months. I was tired of never receiving that reciprocated love and as I was once told, there is no point in staying in contact with someone only because you’ve been in contact for so long. Life leads people down many different paths and by know, I should definitely be used to growing apart from people. It’s just that, whenever I get really close to someone, 90% of the time I lose them or we drift apart. And these connections don’t always end on bad terms, life just simply gets in the way. However, I’m sensitive so I take things personally. The one friend I mentioned that I had known since first grade, I feel as though we grew apart after I broke up with my first boyfriend and because she got into a relationship. But, I don’t think I miss her. People grow and change, and that’s that.

Valentine’s Day is coming up soon. This will be my first one alone in 4 years. I honestly was never huge on Valentine’s Day, even when I was in a relationship. But I guess it’s a nice excuse to spoil your loved ones and have a good time, and I always enjoyed it. This year, my parents will be away on vacation so I’ll have the house to myself. Maybe I’ll buy a bottle of wine and have a nice night in or maybe go clubbing if I can find some single friends. I think this is the first time ever where I am one of the few people that I know that isn’t in a relationship (out of my close friends). All my friends are in happy and healthy relationships and it makes me really happy that they have all found people that they love and respect. They are all amazing people and really deserve that happiness (I’m not going to be the Valentine’s Day Grinch!) 

I believe I mentioned in an earlier post that I was going to stay single for a year, and I still plan to stick by that. It’s just that you sometimes miss physical affection: just being hugged or kissed or having your hand held. But hopefully it will happen again when the time is right, and when it’s real. 

[andersonalexis-blog2]

this is my last resort || self para

WHO: Alexis Anderson;; mentions of her podiatrist and future physical therapist (NPC’S)

WHEN: Tuesday, January 24, 2025. Afternoon.

WHERE: Hospital && Ryan’s home.

NOTES: Alexis goes to get her boot off her foot and finds out how long her healing time will be.

TRIGGERS/WARNINGS: Hospital tw, broken bones tw, depression tw

Alexis was trying her best to remain positive during this week because it was basically a reunion with people she hadn’t seen in ages. Some of those people included her siblings considering she has kept to herself ever since coming back to Russia. In fact, her parents had to push and pry to convince her to even come out this week. After much convincing she agreed maybe seeing all these familiar faces would help bring her out of her funk. It was hard because even though she was staying with Ryan and having a great time she’d spend every night crying herself to sleep in the room she was staying in. Either way it was Tuesday and Alexis was both excited and terrified. She was excited to get her boot off and start her physical therapy but she was also scared because there was a chance the doctor could in fact tell her she would never dance again. She did her best to keep positive but it was so damn hard. She knew her ballet company would let her return once she was fully healed but what if she had to make the call that her career was over before it even really started. 

It was time to make her way to the hospital to see her doctor and she made sure to let her family know she wanted to go alone. The moral support would have been nice but she didn’t want to let them down. Maybe just maybe if she braved this alone the universe would be on her side. She called an Uber and made her way to the hospital and hobbled her way out of the car and into the doctor’s office. Signing her name on the sign in sheet she took a seat and was annoyed. Having this huge thing strapped to her was a nuisance and she was more than ready to get this thing off of her. After thirty minutes of waiting she was finally able to go back and see her doctor. Barely making it into the room she sat up on the exam table and waited patiently for the doctor to enter the room. Reality was starting to settle in with her. It was time for him to remove this boot and tell her what her fate was. 

After another fifteen minutes passed her doctor finally came in with a huge smile on his face and a woman trailing behind him. He introduced her as Alexis’ future physical therapist. “Pleasure to meet you.”

“Let’s start by getting this thing off of you, yeah?” Her doctor slightly knelt down and started to unstrap her boot quickly putting it to the side. “Now we’re gonna do some exercises and take a few x-rays to see how things are going, okay?”

Alexis just nodded along and listened to his instructions. First he asked her to do a few toe taps and other simple foot exercises to see how she was doing and she tried her best to mask the pain but it was still there. He just nodded along and ordered the x-rays right away. Alexis was soon wheeled off to another room to get them done and she had almost forgotten how painful it was to get x-rays done. The technician had to move her foot around all different sort of ways and Alexis was writhing around in pain. After ten minutes of that she was hauled back to her examination room and had to sit there for another twenty minutes. This appointment was supposed to be quick and easy and here she was growing more and more nervous by the second. Finally, he entered back into the room with the physical therapist and his smile was no longer present. Oh no. Alexis felt the room starting to spin around and her mouth started to taste like pennies. She knew what he was going to say except she didn’t. 

“Alexis, unfortunately I don’t have the best of news for you. Watching the exercises, feeling everything out, and looking over your x-rays it appears your fracture has become a nonunion. That means your fibula has not grown back the bone tissue it needed to heal.” Alexis’ face scrunched up and it was very obvious she was confused. 

“I know it’s a lot of big words but basically something happened somewhere and you aren’t healed and the only thing we can do to fix this is surgery. We would put a plate in there to fill in the spot and you would have to go through rehabilitation and hopefully that’s all you need. There is a 20% chance you would need a second surgery with new plates and then more rehabilitation...”

Alexis put her hand up and just shook her head. “I don’t care. Give me surgery, give me rehab, I don’t care about that. I expected that to some degree what I want to know is will I be able to go back to Russia and dance again?” Alexis looked to her doctor and the physical therapist who exchanged looks with each other but wouldn’t look Alexis directly in the eye.

“Well? Am I going to be able to dance again or not?!” Alexis got more stern with her words but her voice cracked because her fears were becoming reality. 

“Alexis...” The tone of her doctor’s voice gave it all away. She shook her head and placed her head in her hands not wanting them to see her cry. “I don’t want to say no but it is very unlikely. By the time you are fully healed after rehab you still might not be well enough to dance like you used to.”

Alexis finally lifted her head up and wiped her tears away from her face and just sat there in silence for a moment. She let him go on about what they were going to do for her. She would come three times a week for physical therapy until her surgery date. After that she’d have a couple weeks to heal and then go right back into rehabilitation. She just nodded along and then was handed a pair of crutches. She didn’t need the boot anymore but she couldn’t afford to put any added pressure onto her right ankle. Grabbing them she jumped down from the exam table with the help of her physical therapist and made her way out into the lobby to call up an Uber. Making her way downstairs and into her Uber she just sat in silence the whole way back to Ryan’s. How was she supposed to tell her family? How was she supposed to get past this? How was she going to live life again? She was never going to be able to dance and as far as she was concerned her life was over. 

Making her way back into Ryan’s home she was upset and frustrated and was very thankful Ryan wasn’t around as she got back from her appointment. She just wanted to be alone. Trying to navigate around was difficult. She had just gotten used to the boot and now she was on these damn crutches that made moving around extremely difficult. She ran into several things and when she made it towards the kitchen she bumped into a counter and she had had enough. She threw the crutches down and screamed out loud gripping onto the counter top. “My life is over. Everyone has everything!” Alexis was venting to herself and she just let it all out. “Em has her bookstore and her daughter, Bethany has Broadway and her family, Lilly has Maddox and her kid, and Ryan has his own place and just!” Alexis screamed out once again and she couldn’t handle it. What were her parents going to think? Cooper was surely going to taunt her for being so stupid. She finally just let herself fall to the ground and she started to sob. Everything was falling apart around her and there was nothing she could do about it. 

After fifteen minutes of non stop crying Alexis gripped onto the counter tops again and pulled herself up. Hopping around the kitchen until she got to her crutches. She picked them up and made her way into her bedroom for the week. Tossing them back on the ground she threw herself on her bed and continued to cry. All Alexis could think was how worthless she was to the world now and how the hell she was going to tell her family she had ruined everything for herself. 

[sanguinesprout]

Some storms have passed, hopefully it’ll be warmer soon (updates and blah)

Um, welp... this may be my late-st post yet, that’s something new I guess lol, it ain’t so bad. I was seriously considering not posting this month but I know if I don’t stick to some sort of schedule then I’ll get too lazy and all past efforts will just be lost. At first I was busy for a few days, then I remembered and felt lazy some and then I forgot for some more days, but I’m here now and Imma write this post hoo!

I had another kind of argument and cry involving my sis but it was from a misunderstanding and it was brief and the make up was fast. I still find it hard to express my true feelings to her and her words still cut so strikingly hurtful and are seemingly insensitive at times, but some of mine must’ve hurt her just as bad too. When will I be able to speak my true mind? It’s just so difficult... but in time, with some work I really hope for that to be possible. 

Lately, I’ve been more active on getting my health problems sorted out, making and going to appointments and stuff. Well, none of the problems have actually been sorted out yet, as previously attempted, but I gotta keep pushing about them to hopefully get a better sort of resolution this time. I also went to some other health appointments I had being putting off, as with a lot of things, they weren’t as bad as I thought they’d be, which is good and good of me to finally do them ^^ Avoiding and not doing anything accomplishes nothing after all and again health is super important!

One of the appointments was to a mental health advisor person. The funny thing is I was inadvertently recommended to see them when I was investigating some physical problems. I kinda was hopeful that maybe I’d get referred somewhere better than last time’s super general counsellor by this advisor but uhhh nope. They smiled a lot and asked me how I generally was and a few tidbits about my past and then everything else was just some very general stuff about changing the way you think blah blah. I brung up AVPD, asked if there was anyone I could see who specialised in personality disorders but it was pretty much brushed off, which really sucked. 

At the end they asked if maybe I was interested in mindfulness/anxiety-reducing group therapy sessions and gave me some brief printouts with info. My first instinct would be to avoid like hell at the mention of being in a group, I was kind of irked by it and they noticed but they said to think about it and let them know next week. I also asked if there was someone else I could see 1-on-,1 but as they could see on record I already went to see someone last time (which I guess is the only thing of that they have) there was no luck there.

I’m debating whether to go or not, it could be helpful, there actually isn’t anything to lose. I’m just super paranoid about accidentally meeting someone I knew there (which is pretty irrational and who cares really ‘cause we’re in the same boat kinda thing). Also that I’ll have to give lots of info about myself to strangers, but the sheets say you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to/contribute as little or as much as you like, so that took away some of my uneasiness.

I can’t say it’ll be worth it or not unless I try it of course, a new experience and going out is good at least. I think maybe I will research it some more, then maybe go at least for one session just to see if I like it... hmm. Be brave me! You’ll be okay!

There were two groups I got handouts on, they’re both kind of similar but not. I assume I can only attend one, which one to choose? Maybe I’ll ask for more details when I next see the advisor. I’m proud of myself for going to the advisor foremost, I was pretty anxious and ready to avoid them at first lol.

I’m still very concerned about my family’s health :c My mum has been doing somewhat better, test results are slightly positive but still iffy and more follow-up tests are needed. The wait for those is long, it’s saddening and all the more scary. I really hope she’ll be okay. I wish I was stronger and could help out more. I really need to help myself faster and then help everyone else as soon as I can.

My dad’s health has actually been worse lately, we’ve been noticing some extra symptoms and even he has mentioned not feeling well and we keep telling him to see the doctor but he’s still super reluctant to. But even once he wondered to us if he should go after all. Being scared of going to the doctor or being scared of the increasing toll your health could be taking? I know which one of those I find worse. Maybe I should be more tricky like I did the previous times making appointments for him or at least try more convincing.

My sis’ health has not been too great lately either, she took on a second job and it’s very draining physically and she doesn’t get as much sleep but she does it because we need the extra financial help. I don’t like that it’s taking a strain on her health, it’s both physically and mentally stressful. I definitely agree she should quit if it really is too much. I need to hurry and get a job, things aren’t looking too great for me lately though, no more interview offers as of yet and not many application opportunities out there.

The job my sis got is actually the one I mentioned last time, which I was also invited to interview for. The ‘interview’ was just an extremely long winded talk with about only enough time for you to say maybe a few sentences about yourself in a room of a few people. Their whole system and just everything is extremely unorganised and so slap dash. The appointment dates were messed up and the interviewer had not seen any of our CV’s so all he had to go on to decide was the few lines we uttered pretty much.

As my sis works there now, she’s been telling me of how that disorganised-ness and everything literally encompasses and translates to the whole store and all its’ staff’s less than ideal work attitudes. I seriously thought such a big company would’ve been so much better than this, it’s really disappointing and makes me like it so much less. In a way, I’m kind of glad I was rejected, it’s like I dodged a bullet and with my health I would’ve struggled ten-fold 

I was disappointed with myself when I gave my few lines about myself in the ‘interview’. We were asked mostly what our career experience was and I really didn’t have much at all. I also answered briefly because I was one of the first to be asked. Just sitting there while everyone else went through their long list of past jobs and duties, man, it sucked and totally pushed me far out of the orbit of consideration lol. I was proud of myself at least for enduring the long-ass talks and for engaging and asking questions and keeping my cheery face on, good me.

In other things I kind of cut contact with the few online ‘friends’ I had been awkwardly avoiding and being scared to get rid of for so long. I was so anxious about it for so many years and had resorted to just not visiting that place at all but now that weight has pretty much been lifted. I still feel riddled with guilt and feel sad about it, but they weren’t really ‘friend friends’ more like acquaintances from a past mutual interest, so I shouldn’t feel so bad. I can’t believe all the energy I wasted fretting and overthinking, to them it was probably nothing as they have many other more important friends. People move on and people find new friends and interests, it happens all the time and it’s okay, it’s just life.

If something is hurting you or making you uncomfortable, just let it go, get rid of it for the sake of yourself and your health. It might hurt someone by doing so, but not doing so and letting yourself be hurt so much is no good either. That’s what a different friend told me and they are probably the only one I still keep in contact with now. I guess I got so caught up in being afraid to hurt some people a little that I forgot I was hurting myself a lot in the process. 

Even with the good friend though, it’s... awkward and uncomfortable still in a way, I’m not sure if’s just me or maybe if it’s them a little. I feel like maybe they only still talk to me to be nice. That they reply only out of obligation, but I’ve asked them this and they’ve denied it kind of... Tbh I feel like I wanted to cut contact with them too sometimes but I couldn’t and I probably wouldn’t. 

I can’t be sure if that’s just the avoidant and irrational part of me talking. You know, all the bad stuff floating in my head telling me I’m a nuisance to others, not worth talking to, awkward and just all these things putting myself down in general when it comes to communication and worth, I shouldn’t believe it. None of it is really true. Why is it so easy to believe these lies and irrational thoughts?

I am good and I am worthy, I have the choice to let go of things and believe in things that I want to, and I want these things to be positive and true, not negative and irrational! 

In other creative/leisure blah I have just not had the mood or energy to do much at all and it really blows because there’s still so much I haven’t done yet. I don’t want to keep being afraid of everything >< I did manage to do the tiniest bit of sewing again, things went wrong again and it was stressful but it kind of went okay in the end, so yay!

I’ve been kind of trying to build up the courage to sort of interact and be present more online, though the action hasn’t happened yet. It’s what happens when I take a break from something, the fear just builds up again and I’m back to square one. I feel like as with the previous mentioned stuff about friends and just kind of existing in places I didn’t want to be, that my slate has partially been wiped clean, like I can start anew and just be me a bit more in a new place. It’s only partially though, I still feel held back by all the bad feels and guilt and awkward from just every past interaction and the fear of the new. I need some more pep talk and convincing for myself first, but I will get there!

Something helpful to remember to do is instead of thinking of everything that could go wrong, to instead think of everything that could go right! It really flips over that scary negative feeling into something more nice and motivating. In the case of what I’m trying to do, it’s something I’ve already done before, so I’ve proven to myself I can do it already. Doing things is not actually that hard or scary, just don’t overthink everything and look to the positives rather than the negatives! Apply this more more more!

I think here’s a good place to stop now. As with every time... I did it, I wrote the post after putting it off so long, yay! 8D

I will try to remind myself the best I can, to be positive, be brave and be me! 

You too! Keep going! Up up up!

Have a positive and productive week! :D

[sanguinesprout]

Uhhhhh... *derp* (More stuff about indecision, some talk about doctors and some blog changes)

Lately has been well... kinda okay but mostly meh. I’ve been flip flopping between feeling somewhat content with myself and a little motivated and feeling absolutely empty inside and distraught. It’s been almost two weeks since my last post here (actually a reblog lol) and I’ve really been wanting to write a post but I’m still stuck in the habit of putting it off until I know for sure what I want to write or have the privacy to do so. Or maybe it’s just me being a big scaredy cat again :< I think from now on I’ll try to just write as if I’m writing in a diary, so more spontaneous and with less worrying about structure/keeping to just one topic or whether someone reads it or not, as I’m doing this for myself and my benefit most.

Although I was dawdling I did however sort out quite a lot of stuff to do with the blog and some good stuff irl (which I’ll get to later or in another post). One of the main things to mention is that I switched this blog from my primary one to a side one, which does make more sense and makes me feel a bit more at ease which should make it a bit easier to write and post without the restraint I was feeling before. Whether to keep them linked or not idk, I feel uneasy about it but I don’t think it should matter, I mean it is still me on both blogs and everything. I just wanted to separate the huge blocks of serious emotional text from the random cutesy and silly stuff I also wanted to post, but I think I might still post mental health related things to my main one, just in the form of images and not essays like these lol. 

Also I changed the urls from the hyphenated and maybe overly fancy termed things they were previously to more simple and cute ones. I still feel a lil iffy about them (like this blog url feels a bit ‘cold’ but looks pretty and flows well while my main one sounds more ‘warm’ but the world cuddly doesn’t flow well or look as nice lol) but whatever I’ll grow to like them or just change them again whenever, I spent way too much time agonising over them, it’s time to move on! I fixed up the about pages on both of them too, the links and tags pages are still empty for now, but I’m content enough with the way they are now to actually begin posting properly soon I hope. Oh and the current avatar/sidebar image is a really crappy drawing I made 2-3 years ago with a mouse when I was feeling down and was going to make and name this blog ‘rainysnail’ lol. I still might use that name/url someday for something though ^^

I searched for ‘extreme indecisiveness’ in google the other day because I was that frustrated with myself about well, being indecisive (and it was over the same lame url/blog stuff as before, not surprise surprise). I know there’s a lot of stigma around consulting ‘Dr.Google’ and self diagnosis being looked down on as it could prove to be more harmful in some cases and I won’t lie, I do get kinda hypochondriac-ish sometimes, but sometimes it can be very educational and helpful too. I just wanted to know if I was feeling something... something valid(?) or if I was just being an idiot. 

I came across ‘Aboulomania’ on my indecisiveness search and wow, it sounds pretty similar to AVPD and my current feelings but the way it’s written is kinda heavier? (and hella typo-ey/engrish-y lol I just chose that one because it seemed to have the most info from the few I clicked on). Idk... it doesn’t seem to be as much of a known/legit thing so there doesn’t seem to be that many sources on it or at least any reputable ones (though I didn't look particularly hard or for a long time though but once you’re past page 2 on google everything is bleh anyways lol). Also on its definition here lol it talks about ‘analysis paralysis’ and that’s something I kinda knew of and struggle with already. I feel some resonance with this finding and feel a little more assured and saddened at the same time, but I’m not about to run around screaming I have this thing or anything. Maybe I’ll look into it more another time but right now I kinda don’t have the energy to .__.

Indecision is something that appears and could be caused by all sorts of disorders, even just depression alone or a whole mix of other things and factors. Many disorders overlap (like the stuff in cluster c which I feel are most relevant to me) and trying to pinpoint exact reasons and causes for things to do with mental health is near impossible, so I don’t wanna dwell on it. I have therapy soon so having a professional help work out things is a much better idea (unless they also consult Dr.Google like some of the stories I’ve read online lol).

I did see some snippets of advice on indecision on another page and it was basically to let go of the feeling to try and always be perfect/choose the definitive ‘right’ decision and to just trust your gut feelings instead of leaving yourself to stress over it. Yeah, it’s nothing new really and I have been trying to do this but sometimes it’s just so difficult with all these automatic negative feelings weighing my rationality down and sometimes I forget because it’s so hard wired into me to get anxious and over analytical. *Sigh* ...but if I keep reminding myself I think it will stick more in the end. I have already adopted the ‘it doesn’t hurt to try’, ‘just do it, ‘yolo’, ‘no1curr’ etc. kind of mindset/mantra when I get hesitant before doing something that I usually avoid lol, sometimes it fails but the times when I have been brave and not overthought or avoided I’ve felt kinda proud of myself and there were some positive-ish outcomes too. So I just need to continue and allow myself to grow stronger in mind and spirit (and hopefully body too).

In relation to what I said before about the whole ‘Dr.Google’ thing, I thought maybe take the time now to write about my experiences with doctors in general. Many times in the past and even now when I would be explaining my problem (whether physical or mental) to a doctor, they would just shake their head and scoff to them self or even outright laugh smugly and then dismiss it straight away (especially if I mentioned I read something on the internet). The feeling of being fobbed off and even ridiculed by someone that’s supposed to be helping didn’t fare well on my confidence at all and I feel it is a reason I wasn’t proactive in sorting out a lot of the problems I’m still dealing with and obviously I am regretful, maddened and saddened as many of them could have been avoided or alleviated better if they were dealt with sooner.

I’m not saying all doctors are like this, I think it was those particular doctors that were the problem and thank goodness I don’t have to choose to see them anymore (I hope). My current doctor (who I actually came across due to those mean doctors being unavailable one time) is worlds apart in the way he handles things. He is so kind and accommodating to start with, listens well to any concerns, addresses them with great care and reassurance and is very adept at scheduling appointments for further investigations. I feel he really goes above and beyond and has both a friendly and personal but professional demeanour. I mean he isn’t 100% godly perfect as there were times I felt a bit iffy with some of the explanations and prescriptions and sometimes things were delayed, but he does try hard to help and is not against reading information from the internet and in fact encourages it and utilises it himself (eg. printing a informational page on a certain health thing from a reliable health website).

When I presented some info and concerns relating to a health problem I was having investigated already but felt was going in the wrong direction (ie. going down the typical ‘fob you off with the most common explanation so you go away’ route) he explained that it’s the typical process to go for the most common things first when investigating and agreed another route of investigation would be beneficial, more relevant and time efficient so he arranged that too. This doctor is such an awesome and good natured person and I’m so grateful, but he may only be temporary at the place I go to however and it makes me sad to think I might end up with the mean kind again someday. But the lesson is to not settle on doctors that are not helpful or any other type of awful and that there are good people out there. Something that was really very prominent and touching about going to this doctor is that my mother and sister who go with me sometimes were also stunned by how nice and helpful he’s been.

I distinctly remember one of the first times I went to see him with my mum and at that point I had been ill for so long already and she was obviously very worried about me. At the end of the appointment he announced what he would recommend me for investigation and assured that he’d help me get better soon with a smile and then he pointed to my mum next to me who I wasn’t facing at the time and I can’t remember exactly what he said but it was something about my mum crying. When I turned to look, she was indeed crying and I couldn’t stop my own eyes from watering either. I have never ever EVER seen my mum cry before, so it shocked me a lot and made me emotional too. I mean my sister told me she did cry one time recently, but that was when she was so stressed and upset over a family matter on her side of the family :c It’s not like this is something on my bucket list or anything, because I would rather her never be upset or cry for a bad reason, but this showed how much she cares and worries for me and in this case she was crying because she was happy, relieved that she would possibly not have to see me suffer as much and was moved to tears.

Unfortunately the problems have still not been resolved or fully recognised yet, and recently one of the doctors recommended to help investigate fobbed me off and it feels bleh lol... no not lol... very un-lol :< But at least the investigation is still going further in some way I guess and I’ll take his words with a grain of salt, I’ve yet to see my regular doctor to discuss what happens next. I think I’ve just backed down and passively taken whatever explanations too much in the past with negative results or progress and Idk I have a hard time accepting things some doctors say nowadays, a lot of it seems contradictory, sometimes illogical or outdated, robotic, insincere etc. 

When I’m reading what I’ve just written it keeps making me worried I’m a ass or have trust issues or something... :< I know doctors are meant to be serious and professional, but I can’t shake the feeling that some of them are not nice/unwilling to help as much as they could. I have had so many past experiences to do with being treated differently and being prejudiced against and it still happens today and not just to me but all of my family members, it’s tough and really upsetting... :c

It is true though, that you really have to push and persist if you want something done about a problem, and many times people are let go and misdiagnosed with stuff that ends up being something different or a lot more serious. I’m not saying whatever I have is ultra serious and I wouldn’t know anyways. I am clearly not dying, and I hope I’m not, but when I was without medication at the beginning I felt so bad and I was so scared of dying (even though usually idgaf thanks to depression etc.) I’m scared of being in pain and having to suffer both physically and mentally forever. I want to get better, become a stronger person. do the things that matter and well, in a nutshell live my life to the fullest.

Anyways, about the app with the normal doctor... I avoided phoning on a day I could’ve gotten a sooner appointment (my sister encouraged me to, but she was away that day and my mum said it was an inconvenient day to go, but it actually wasn’t really... I should I have pushed myself to go forward even so...) the appointment I do have is 2 weeks away from what it could’ve been. But I guess maybe someone else might have taken that appointment that needed it more urgently, or there might not have been any available that day anyways w/e. Avoidance playing up again... be more brave silly self!

I was planning to write some more happier stuff that’s been going but this post is already quite long so a separate post it is~ and I won’t keep putting it off! Tbh I’m only comfortable pulling up my blog and writing my feels whenever I am alone, so when my family are all at work, but this only occurs on random days and for such a short span of time. Or at least when I know they are all busy downstairs, I can try but I feel like I have to be extra alert and switch it away when they do come. I... ugh idk :c I don’t want to be secretive or feel guilty but I can’t help it, it’s just so hard and frustrating. I can’t even write what illnesses I was talking about earlier on (though I do hope to dedicate whole posts to writing about them later). I will improve and forgo this paranoid feeling someday though! Believe it! *cringe*