#I hate jin guanyao

[jiangwanyinscatmom]

🔥 + XiYao. Not necessarily as a romantic ship, but how you generally perceive their relationship in canon.

Thanks MXTX, I hate it. ☺️

[oh-dameron]

It's kind of fucked-up that Jin Guanyao and Jiang Cheng get so much vicious hate but everyone seems cool with Nie Huaisang. I guess his CQL actor isn't hot enough to make people go feral and antis don't care unless they have stans to rage against.

[thegreatgremlingang]

*Rage post may delete later*

just went and saw a meta about Jiang Cheng being underappreciated for getting Wei Wuxian out of the Xuanwu cave and stuff and I was scrolling through the comments being like "awwwww" "yeah that's right" 'damn straight" "yeeeheeahhhh" and then I just saw this FUCKING COMMENT being like "eeerrrmmmm that still doesn't excuse what he did to wwx he's such a nasty ass human being omg" and idk why but it just flipped some sort of mental rage switch in me and HRRRRRNGH like the little smile was WIPED OFF MY FACE and my intestines crackled from the sudden rise in blood pressure and like jc antis can you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE chill and leave us the fuck alone

I don't want to die young from health complications

my entire dash was full of jc metas and ofc discourse and this fucking comment just pushed me over the edge

jc antis PLEASE PLEASE leave the stans ALONE and go drink some orange juice or something please do something productive you've got better things to do that shitting on jc and the people that choose to like him

even if he's straight up evil (he isn't) that's not your fucking problem isn't it people can stan literal villains in other fandoms and nobody cares so why do you guys have to be such control freaks

I don't see the xue yang antis and Jin Guanyao antis behave in this rabid ass sort of way just CALM DOWN and stop trying to make us argue with you on whether Jiang Cheng beats Jin Ling on a daily basis or if he puts emo teenagers in wood chippers or something

what even is the purpose of all the shit you get up to? Is it going to make Jiang Cheng hear you through the fourth wall? Is he going to drop to his knees and apologize to Wei Wuxian? NO! Is it going to make us stans see the "errors of our ways" and go hate on Jiang Cheng with you? NO! Is it going to summon Wei Wuxian so he can host a fan meetup and give you a hug and his autograph and his eternal friendship? NO!!! Is it going to drive Wei Wuxian to put Jiang Cheng in a wood chipper? NO!!! Is it going to make Jiang Cheng become real so y'all can put him in a wood chipper? N O !!!!!!!!!!!

Listen. Just like how we can never convince you to stan Jiang Cheng, you can never convince us to do whatever is your endgame. So I suggest you go to your own little corner of the fandom, stop bothering us, let us be "delulu" in peace, and get a fucking life.

phew!

Now I feel much better! Thanks for coming to my Ted talk and don't forget to tune in next time! bye bye!

[yellows-secret-blog]

Thinking about the villains I love and why I love them

Iago from Othello (I read the Portuguese edition idk if his name is spelled differently) = never hated someone with such ardent passion before, he was my first true hate, I don't remember shit about the play just how much I hated him. He's my fav. Also if I remember correctly he keeps mocking the other characters for falling for his lies and that's fucking iconic

Jin Guanyao = cunning motherfucker, making a shrine to a god that looks exactly like your mistreated mother? Doing whatever's necessary to gain power? Being forever haunted by the crimes of your father? MODIFYING A "HEALING" SPELL TO HAVE THE OPPOSITE EFFECT IN A MUSICAL VERSION OF A POISONING? DUDE. Anyway bastard I love him

Claude Frollo (musical and disney movie) = Bass/Baritone. Those fucking low notes hell yeah Patrick Page (I have no idea who sings in the movie tho) sing those low notes and my life is yours uhhh also he's a fucking hypocrite who can't see his own evil and genuinely thinks he's in the right also did I say he is a fucking HYPOCRITE? Also he has the best songs I don't care

Claude Frollo (book) = I actually didn't finish the book yet but I think he's funny "Medicine? Astrology? Bullshit. Pseudoscience. You know what's the real shit? Alchemy." Yea go on Edward Elric, also he's so done with everything, the cunt, I just know he spends most of the book internally rolling his eyes at people, also he's 35????? Or 38???? He should have been at the club, everyone's life would be so much better if that dude was at the club instead of the monastery (me lying, we all know he would be ruffing people's cups)

Wallace Larson = his midwestern accent is hot and he has some eternal youth thing going on which is also very hot

Scar from lion king = never seen a lion serve more cunt than him, iconic, made my childhood, maybe the kickstarter to my villain appreciations? Welp

Honorable mention to the butcher because he is also very hot and he sings, another honorable mention is for Nie Huaisang because despite not being exactly a villain he is another cunning motherfucker, iconic bitch *snaps fan*

AS A DISCLAIMER

My love for those guys except Larson and Butcher comes from the fact I hate them, I love hating them, I do not agree with their actions nor do I wanna fuck any those guys (except for the butcher) for the love of god

Anyway FMK my favorite villains

Fuck: Iago (for the drama)

Marry: Larson (for the money, trust me)

Kill: Frollo (he deserves it)

God I fuckin love this website I can just ramble my brains out right?

Anyway need to reread Othello cause I can't remember shit about the play lmaaaao I just know I hate that motherfucker

[thepurplewombat]

No but seriously I'm not done talking about this.

Because like, this video is seriously very good? Like, the song choice is A+. But what I love especially about the video is the way it shows Meng Yao's illusions being stripped away as he becomes Jin Guanyao and he starts to really see and experience the dark side of his dream. I'm sure by the time he became JGY he didn't have all that many illusions left, but I didn't think he'd think it would be this, you know?

Like, I think inherently he wanted to make a difference, he wanted to do good things, and I think that he thought if he could just gain his father's favor and the power that went with it (which, let's not forget, he should have had in the first place, and would have had if JGS wasn't the worst deadbeat dad in the history of the world) he could do so much good with it. (I'm not saying that was his only motivation, but that was almost certainly part of it, just taking into evidence what he achieved while he was CC). But like, the shit just kept piling on, didn't it?

He achieved his father's favor, or at least his acknowledgement, and it got him what, exactly? and what did he have to do to keep it?

Anyway, a long time ago I wrote a fic and it contained this line:

my heart’s dearest wish turned to shit and ashes in my hand

and I'm not sure if it was a quote somewhere or I came up with it on my own (if I did, good job me!) but ever since I started thinking about JGY that line has been sort of dancing around the back of my mind.

Because that's what happened to him. His every dream ruined. He's just such a tragic figure and I hate that people don't see that.

[reeg4n]

When someone hates Xue Yang, they usually also hate Jin Guangyao and vice versa, so I find it both fascinating and frustrating when someone likes Xue Yang but hates Jin Guangyao. It simply doesn't make sense to do so

I have friends who love Xue Yang yet hate Jin Guangyao. The arguments made against Jin Guanyao can also be used against Xue Yang yet... they still use them??

Why is Jin Guangyao evil in everything he does, all his intent is malicious yet... not the same with Xue Yang? I find this rather contradictory

Why do you sympathise with Xue Yang but everything Jin Guangyao does isn't worthy of sympathy?

Why is Jin Guangyao selfish, uncaring and power hungry but Xue Yang is fragile, misunderstood and only wants peace and to be understood?

Why is Jin Guanyao unjustified in his kills while Xue Yang is?

Why is it "He killed Jin Zixuan" but when I say he didn't, it was Wei Wuxian, suddenly "Well it was Wen Ning. Whether the fault of Wei Ying losing control or someone playing a flute, is dubious"?

It doesn't make sense to say "Jin Guangyao killed him" as if it's fact if you're going to follow it up with "Well it's unclear"

Anyway... I'm just venting this here because I don't want to get into any kind of argument, especially with friends. Let's just have out differing opinions and move along.

(ALSO: I do agree with the statements about Xue Yang ofc. I just find it odd to believe those while being against things Jin Guangyao did)

[freewilllife]

13. Shi Wudu has never felt guilty for his deeds and did not even recoginize He Xuan at first, but still had a 10.000 times worse fate than the real mass murderer of this work.

14. Nie Mingue hated Jin Guanyao for features his own younger brother Nie Huaisang excelled to such a degree that he literally beat Jin Guanyao in it.

15. There is only one person that does believe that Mu Qing is better than Xie Lian regarding his abilities and I do think even that person doubts it.

16. Xue Yang drove the only person he may have cared for into suicide and still has never been able to do his homework regarding that.

17. Xie Lian´s memory loss might be a consequence of his trauma, yet Mu Qing´s good memory might be a consequence of his trauma.

18. In contrast to the common belief, neither Feng Xin, nor Mu Qing have left Xie Lian voluntarily. The person that cut the rope was Xie Lian...that common tale is so persuading, that even Xie Lian believes it.

19. Jun Wu killed so many people, because he " just wanted to be friends".

20. Xie Lian´s cousin Qi Rong possesses no sympathy for other people, yet he may possess the best knowledge of human nature in the entire series. (He was able to see many clues that were a mystery to other people like Xie Lian´s pride, Mu Qing´s aspirations, Jun Wu being a faker, Shi Wudu having a black heart and he realized pretty soon how important Hua Cheng was to Xie Lian).

21. At the end of the series Feng Xin partly suffers Mu Qing´s fate, as the wildest rumours were spreading regarding the fact that "his wife and son" have left him and that happens to that degree that partly even Mu Qing feels sorry for him.

22. Since Wei Ying enjoyed the reputation of a womanizer that would never sink as low as "being a mad cut-sleve", nobody believed at first that he was reborn. Still he did not mind to prove them wrong!

23. Mu Qing believes that "gods can´t do shit" for human beings.

24. Xie Lian had not only two red pearl earrings, but also "two precious jades".

25. Jing Ling inherited his looks from his mother, the arrogance from his father and his taste for naming dogs from his uncle.

26. One reason that Wei Ying recognized that Nie Huaisang was the second mastermind was the fact that he was a very vain men proud in his appearance.

here's a few reminders for the mxtx fandom

1. Wei Wuxian had 2 older sister figures in his life and they both died trying to save him and in the end failed since he died anyway. (RIP Wen Qing and Jiang Yanli)

2. Mu Qing only ever had his mom other than XL and FX and she died a mortal death. We don't know anything about FX's mortal family.

3. Wen Ning was experimented on for 13 years in captivity after seeing his sister's ashes and blames himself still for wwx's downfall

4. He Xuan cannot leave the world even after his revenge to Shi Wudu and is purposeless for all of his immortal life.

5. Jin Ling will never taste her mom's handmade favourite soup.

6. Canon Feng Xin and Mu Qing do not know what happened at the temple to Xie Lian.

7. Jiang Cheng will probably never be good enough in his own eyes (until he has like grand-nephews or something)

8. Shi Qingxuan will (probably) die a mortal death.

9. Some of Nie Huaisang's last words to Nie Mingjue were that he never wanted to be a clan leader.

10. XL and WWX both tried to protect a certain demographic that got wiped out anyway and made them public enemies and reason for their eventual downfall making it essentially ineffective.

11. All the calamities are actually gods who could or did ascend heaven.

12. Xiao Xingchen killed himself after finding out he wiped out villages full of innocent people and his own best friend who he gave up his eyes for. And realising his pursuit of helping the world was worthless.

[saebaragi]

:(( :(( :(( :(( :(( :(( :(( :(( :(( :(( :(( :(( :(( :((

[saintlibertyskids]

if meng yao had two stable parents who loved him he would've just become an accountant or something

[makalaure-kanafinwe]

Well I just finished The Untamed. Lan Xichen is firmly fixed as my mental image of Elrond and I want to give Jiang Cheng a hug. Good times

[scribbet]

@squaliziano here you go! My take on righteousness/justice and Jin Guanyao...

NHS is very much not orchestrating this mess for justice, he's fully focused on revenge for one act (the death of NMJ) and I'm not quite sure how his actions can be read as anything else. He does not gain justice for Qin Su, or the clans wiped out by JGY, or for anyone else impacted by JGY's machinations (including WWX), he simply gains the personal satisfaction of seeing the man he hated destroyed in as effective a way as he could engineer. He is willing to risk -and actually does cause harm- to numerous people to gain this, and himself makes no claims that what he's doing is fair or right.

I could go off on a longer tangent about WWX's and LWJ's understanding of and adherence to their concepts of justice and righteousness. We're mostly shown this in-narrative through their insistence on making the attempt even when they know that the likelihood of actual justice playing out is miniscule or non-existent, because their world is not one that actually facilitates or encourages justice. But Wangxian in the current timeline are essentially responding to a threat and trying to neutralise it while it just keeps increasing in scope, culminating in the second siege of the Burial Mounds and Guanyin Temple. In direct opposition to his response of 'Xue Yang must die' when WWX realises the full extent of his crimes, WWX explicitly wonders and draws readers' attention to whether justice has anything to do with the sect leaders' reactions to JGY at Lotus Pier. WWX at least understands that others are using justice as a neat front to dress up their own less virtuous responses.

I find JGY an interesting character, I like how MXTX uses him as a foil and a counter-point/disruption to other characters. I enjoy that his story can't be simplified to black and white and he can be sympathetic while I still disagree with his actions and see him as one of numerous antagonists (for lack of a better word). But the idea of whether anyone in MDZS has justice served on them seems like a completely lost cause to begin with.

The whole story repeatedly emphasises that their world does not function on principles of justice, that this isn't the driving force behind the supposedly righteous cultivation world, and that arguing over who's most justified often involves capitulating to the powerful or the untruths of mob rule. There is hope by the end of the narrative of things changing for the better, but that's not because evil has been defeated and justice enacted, it's because the next generation are being encouraged to think more generously and critically, and Wangxian finally let themselves claim a place together within this mess doing what they can, even if that won't solve everything. So it seems strange to replicate all that as a fandom when I don't think that's the point MDZS is trying to make. If anything it teaches being very wary of thinking you have the right to do unkind or inhumane things because your cause is 'justified'.

i realize that the JGY haters just hate him and won’t be persuaded otherwise, but I feel like I just need to state out loud that NHS would have brought down JGY no matter what he discovered about his background when he was digging around. if Qin Su didn’t exist and Jin Guangshan had actually died of a heart attack and JGY had obviously and inescapably only worked with Xue Yang under duress and frankly even if JGY had clearly murdered NMJ under orders from JGS and for no other reason, NHS would still have destroyed him. he was not pursuing justice for anyone but himself, it was just a convenient coincidence that JGY had also done a lot of bad things that would make it easy to turn people against him if they were known. 

and yes, there’s a WWX parallel here as well: because he did the One Bad Thing (make a scary amulet that people fear and also want for themselves), it doesn’t matter that he’s not actually off building up his own sect in Yiling, or seems perfectly happy to just putter around making super useful talismans and not bothering anyone. the response would have been the same either way, because it was never really about what he’d done or what was doing, it was about the first central “crime” (having a thing other people wanted), and any additional evidence (killing Jin Zixuan and everything that came after) was really just gravy for what they were already planning to do (as evidenced by the fact that JGS’s plan was to murder WWX on the way to/during the 100 Days Ceremony anyway)  

[thankchaosforspellcheck]

A parental soulmates au for MDZS would be so fucking tragic.

Wei Wuxian & Lan Wangji would both have parental soulmarks for Lan Yuan.

Jiang Cheng would have one for Jin Ling and he would hate it once he realized why.

Jin Guanyao would have none for anyone, even his own kid. He's sympathetic but by god this man should not be allowed around children.

I don't consider Jin Guanshan an actual parent but I think he should have ones for all of his bastard children just as a fuck you from the universe. On his face. and then die from the ink being poisoned, somehow.

Wei Wuxian should also get like 2-3 more when he comes back for all of the Juniors.

Lan Qiren would have ones for Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen, which would just make him more pissed at his brother.

I think if Madam Yu and Jiang Fengmian had soulmarks for Wei Ying things might have gone better, but at the same time I really don't want them to be fated to take him in after all the shit they put him through. so it could go either way.

[nyxyooni]

HE FELL ON HIMOH MY GOD LWJ PUT HIS HAND ON WEI YING

THE LITTLE PAPER MAN HAS A TINY OWO FACE OH HES BLUSHING. OH WEI YING OH MY GOD

HES ON A LEAF??? HES TRAVELING ON A LEAF IN RHE WINF?????

“•^•” OH MUWBO?382!/@3?8/2!7/&2)jebod

wei ying’s paper man face is always “•^•” myfucking god why do this to me now WHY???

NIE MINGJUE NOOOOOOOO *crying*

oh????? Yiling Laouzu Wei Ying action??? sunshot campaign lwj???? thank u for the food, god. amen. wait. u cant make them watch as they fought each other in the past. also “lan zhan, why is that you always hated me?” wei ying please 😩

man. nie mingjue really cared for jin guanyao. i feel so bad for him its not even funny, like wow. damn. like this man really just saw jin guanyao as his one person but then FUCK JIN GUANYAO I DONT GIVE A FUCK THERE ARE TEARS IN MY EYES FUCK HIM A N D LAN XICHEN FUCK THEM BOTH. I DONT CARE FUCK THEM BOTH OH MY GOD GET OUT OF THE WAY XICHEN. I HATE YOU. I REALLY DO.

“da-ge, he was helping us, i dont care that he made u bow and kowtow in front of the man that killed ur father, i dont care that he killed our people and made others suffer, i dont care that ur traumatized—we all are, when u think about it—a-yao was just helping! we won! look at this cute little twink—i mean he’s good! nooo, dont kill him to repay the fact that he brought u upon the enemy!” xichen, i hate u.

[lady-of-the-lotus]

Xue Yang, still alive and disguised as Xiao Xingchen post-canon, pulls a vulnerable Lan Xichen into his destructive orbit with the promise of raising Meng Yao from the grave. Did somebody say #friendship goals?

“We got him back,” he says. His voice is hoarse, as if he’s spent all night screaming. “That pocket-sized prick is back, and that deluded blue idiot will do anything to keep him here.” Nothing from Xiao Xingchen's spirit-trapping pouch. He reaches over to where his robes are jumbled beside the bed, pulls a few closely-written pages from his inner robe’s qiankun sleeve. “See, I have it all here, you know I do—” Still nothing.

Tumblr Ch. 1 Ch. 2   Read on AO3! - M - XueXiao and XiYao

Chapter 3    

Xue Yang is waiting for Lan Xichen when the Clan Leader steps back inside the manor.

“A-Yao,” Lan Xichen is murmuring to himself. “A-Yao. A-Yao. A-Yao…”

Oh, for heaven’s sake.

“Not if you don’t get back in here.” Grinning, Xue Yang waves him into the courtyard. The warmth has faded from his qiankun sleeve, the past half hour is a blur, but he feels more like himself than he has in months.

Happy, too, in a bright, marrow-deep way, which isn’t something he’s much used to.

Lan Xichen glances over his shoulder at the road. Xue Yang steps around him and closes the manor gates.

“Where did you run off to?” he asks, bolting the heavy doors. His arms and legs are still tingling, blood rushing in his ears. “The main event is about to begin.”

Lan Xichen follows him into the hall. His eyes widen as he drinks in the naked body. Chang Ping is an oozing mass of red and pink and yellow, exposed bone and ruptured fat and flayed muscle, a beautiful monstrosity glistening wetly in the lamplight.

The corpse’s eyes are missing.

“Not bad, if I do say so myself.” Xue Yang wipes his blade on Chang Ping’s inner robe, still grinning. “Considering how out of practice I am.”

“Did you have to—have to—”

“Give him the full experience?” Xue Yang laughs. His laugh is a bit too high and a bit too long. “I needed that resentful energy, my friend. Do you think I enjoyed torturing the good Chang Ping?”

Lan Xichen glances at Xue Yang’s left hand.

Xue Yang wags a playful finger at him. He feels like he’s glowing, still filled with that sharp clear brightness. “What his father did to me had nothing to do with any of this. But believe me when I say he was just as guilty.”

“His father? I thought it was Chang Ping who…” Lan Xichen shakes his head. “Never mind. What do you need the resentful energy for?”

Xue Yang points to the floor beneath the swinging corpse. Drawn in blood on the floor is a large, complicated array. “Three guesses. Now, I’ll be back in just a minute; I have something to take care of—”

“I sent the servants away.”

The grin slips from Xue Yang’s face. “You what?”

“I sent them away.”

The brightness fades. “And why did you do that? Pang of conscience?”

“I needed someone to deliver a letter to my brother. That’s all.”

“Suicide note?”

“Suicide is forbidden—”

“So is murder.”

“I could never do that to my family, or demean the gift of life given to me.”

A gust of laughter escapes Xue Yang. “We’ll get there eventually,” he says, shaking his head. It was foolish to think Lan Xichen would have let him kill the servants.

One more reason to bring Jin Guanyao back. Lan Xichen, he knows, will not be able to say no to his precious A-Yao.

“What do you mean?” Lan Xichen asks.

“Not the suicide, my friend. Don’t worry. I want you whole and healthy...” Xue Yang pats his arm reassuringly. “We have time.”

“Time for what?”

Xue Yang flashes a smile. One of his innocent ones this time. “Time to bring back your friend, of course .”

“What now?”

Xue Yang takes Jin Guangyao’s spirit-trapping pouch from Lan Xichen. “Your hand.”

He pricks Lan Xichen’s finger and uses his blood to draw a number of talismans, festooning Chang Ping’s body with the thin slips of yellow paper.

He picks up the spirit-trapping pouch he’d used to capture Chang Ping’s resentful energy, grips it in the same hand as Jin Guangyao’s pouch, and produces his copy of the Stygian Tiger Amulet.

Lan Xichen almost keels over. “That’s—”

“We know what it is.”

“But—”

“Don’t worry. I don’t use it often enough to go the way of Wen Ruohan or Wei Wuxian.”

“But—”

“Do you want me to continue or not?”

Lan Xichen ducks his head and steps back.

Black smoke twines around Xue Yang’s fingers. He sends the amulet flying at the corpse, drawing a rapid-fire sequence of glowing red symbols in the air, then opens Chang Ping’s spirit-trapping pouch and reaches inside.

A blast of resentful energy burst free of the bag, sending Lan Xichen flying across the room. He knocks over a brazier, sending dozens of candles rolling across the bloodstained floor, and slams his head on the stone tiles.

Xue Yang releases a second burst of dark energy so strong he blacks out for a moment. Every bone in his body feels like it’s been turned to soup, a giant fist crushing his skull. Any second now there’s going to be a pop and the floor will be splattered with gray pulp and white shards of skull—

A murmuring sound.

He looks up.

A small white body lies curled inside the array.

Lan Xichen is beside the figure. “…A-Yao?”

Jin Guangyao sits up. He’s shivering and naked in the lamplight. “...Er…er-ge? Zewu-jun….?”

It worked it worked it worked—

Lan Xichen drapes his outer robe around Jin Guangyao. “It’s me, I’ve brought you back—”

Xue Yang sneers. His heart is hammering against his ribcage and his hands and feet are numb. “Actually, you just stood there and goggled at me and passed out.”

“You’re back, you’re back—”

A-Yao slumps forward.

Lan Xichen’s eyes are wide, face white. “What happened? What happened?!—”

Xue Yang shrugs. “How should I know? The last time I did this I killed the man as soon as I confirmed I could do it. Was just trying to see if I was doing something wrong.”

Lan Xichen draws in a deep, shaky breath. “He’s fine, I know he’s fine—”

Xue Yang shrugs again. “I’ve done my part. The rest is up to him.”

Lan Xichen carries Jin Guangyao to one of the bedrooms and settles down beside the bed, eyes never leaving the little snake’s face.

“How many days will it take for those servants you let escape to reach Cloud Recesses?” Xue Yang snaps his fingers in Lan Xichen’s ear. “Are you in there? How long do we have until those servants tell the Lans where we are?”

Lan Xichen starts. “With no detours, on foot, two weeks.”

“Then we have that long until anyone comes after us on their swords. Unless they meet Lan cultivators on the road—”

“I told them not to speak to anyone.”

“As if they’d follow your orders if it were convenient not to?”

“I’m the clan leader.”

“Not of their clan… Doesn’t matter. We need to get moving anyway. As soon as your dimpled little friend is on his feet, we’re out of here. Wake me if anything important happens.”

There’s another bedroom down the hall. He locks the door behind him, removes his robes and shoes and lies down on the bed in just his trousers. Rests Xiao Xingchen’s pouch on his bare chest. Lays Shuanghua out beside him, pressed up against his side. Sets Jiangzai within grabbing distance.

“We got him back,” he says. His voice is hoarse, as if he’s spent all night screaming. “That pocket-sized prick is back, and that deluded blue idiot will do anything to keep him here.”

Nothing from the pouch.

He reaches over to where his robes are jumbled beside the bed, pulls a few closely-written pages from his inner robe’s qiankun sleeve.

“See, I have it all here, you know I do, you were with me when I found it, when I copied it all out—”

Still nothing.

“Daozhang?” He sits up, back to the wall, staring down at the pouch. “I know you can hear me…”

Still nothing.

Worn out from the ritual, he eventually falls asleep, propped up against the wall with the papers scattered across the bed and Xiao Xingchen’s pouch cradled in his lap.

He’s up at dawn. His body aches as if he’d been trampled by a dozen horses, but his head is clearer.

Ridiculous, any worry. He had simply been too tired to focus on the pouch last night, too exhausted to pick up on the subtle motions of the pouch, to sense Xiao Xingchen’s reassuring warmth…

It’s not that Xiao Xingchen disapproved of what he had done. How would Xiao Xingchen even know, if Xue Yang hadn't told him?

(Besides, he’s done far worse over the past eight years.)

And it certainly isn’t that Xiao Xingchen can’t communicate with Xue Yang. For years now he’s felt the pouch hum, felt its warmth—

Years.

He drags himself out to the discussion hall in time to watch Jin Guangyao evaporate in the pale morning light.

“A-Yao!” Lan Xichen leaps forward, snatching at him, but it’s too late.

Jin Guangyao is gone.

“Well, that didn’t go as planned.” Xue Yang yawns. He’s known this moment was coming, known Jin Guangyao would fade with the morning sun, knows that he’ll be back that night, but he takes no pleasure in Lan Xichen’s anguish. Odd, that. He’d expected this all to be more amusing. “He say anything interesting?”

Lan Xichen seizes him by the throat, hoisting him off the floor with his tremendous Lan strength. “You little rat, what did you do, you promised me A-Yao back—”

Xue Yang desperately struggles to pry Lan Xichen’s fingers from his throat, but Lan Xichen’s grip is like iron.

“U—gh—uhg—”

Lan Xichen flings him out the door so hard he bounces twice and rolls down the discussion hall steps. The Clan Leader’s handsome face is a nightmarish mask of itself, twisted by rage and hate and panic.

Xue Yang stands slowly, choking on his swollen Adam’s apple.

Lan Xichen flies down beside him. “What did you do, you repugnant little liar—”

Jiangzai appears in Xue Yang’s hand. “I brought him back!” Blood spurts from his tongue as he speaks. “I swear!”

“You bastard, you lied to me—”

“I told you, I’ve never done this before! I swear I did my best! Do you think I wanted this? I need that dimpled little madman too!”

Lan Xichen hits him so hard that Xue Yang is knocked on his back. He draws Shuoyue, but Xue Yang has Jiangzai up, pointing at Lan Xichen’s throat.

“Lay one more finger on me,” Xue Yang rasps, “and it will be the last thing you ever do.”

“As if I care—”

Xue Yang spits blood. “I’m the only one who can get him back, and you know it!"

Lan Xichen freezes, then slowly sheaths his sword. “You have until tonight.”

Rubbing at his bruised throat, Xue Yang grins, a grin full of teeth. “Anything for you, my friend.”

* * *

Xue Yang locks himself in the discussion hall all day to work on getting “A-Yao” back. Spends most of the day napping on the Clan Leader’s chair. The corpse has begun to rot, but he doesn’t mind. The smell of rotting meat, combined with the familiar surroundings, brings him back to happier times at the Chang Manor.

“We’re almost there, daozhang,” he mumbles as he falls asleep. Not directly to the pouch. He doesn’t dare take it out. “Just a little bit longer…”

He wakes at moonrise, just in time to add a few more lines to the array, forcing Jin Guangyao to reappear in the empty hall with Xue Yang instead of beside Lan Xichen, to whom he’s been bound. (A mistake, the binding, but it’s too late to rectify now.)

Jin Guangyao reappears in a shower of silvery sparks, still wearing the oversized clothes he’d borrowed from Chang Ping’s wardrobe.

“You did this,” he says to Xue Yang. Only his timbre and over-enunciation are as Xue Yang remembers. The old cloying obsequiousness, the sticky politeness, have been scrubbed away. “You brought me back.”

“Guilty as charged.”

“Why?”

Xue Yang shrugs. “Zewu-jun’s fault, really. You know, if you want to apologize for trying to kill me, now would be a good time.”

Jin Guangyao ducks his head at him. “I explained that to you when you returned to me to beg for help in restoring Xiao Xingchen, Chengmei. You know I had no choice, and that I ordered my men to let you survive the beating.”

Xue Yang rolls his eyes. As if he’d bought that bullshit eight years ago, either. “Whatever. You still owe me, big time.”

Jin Guangyao ignores that. “Zewu-jun seems rather out of sorts.”

“Zewu-jun stood by and watched me a torture a man to death, if that’s what you mean. Let me kill a good dozen others, too. What’s with that look? I thought killing people made you happy.”

A slight return of Jin Guangyao’s old fussily polite manner. Xue Yang had always thought that Jin Guangyao had been relatively open around him, hadn’t been afraid to snap at him on occasion, to complain about Koi Tower’s bottom-feeding snakes, but now Xue Yang sees that the face he’d shown him during their partnership had merely been another of the former clan leader’s masks.

“If I wanted you dead, you would have been dead,” says Jin Guangyao, granting him a full bow this time. “I thank you, Xue Chengmei, for granting me renewed life.”

Xue Yang snorts. “Blow it out your blubberhole, Lianfang-zun. Save it for that blue fool out there.” He flings open the discussion hall’s doors. Lan Xichen is pacing back and forth before the hall. He was already too thin to begin with, but he seems to have lost another ten pounds over the past twelve hours.

“Your little friend is back,” Xue Yang says shortly. “I’ll be packing. We need to leave this place.”

He turns and heads off. The melting way that dimpled little scorpion turned his stupidly huge eyes on Lan Xichen makes him want to run them both through with a sword.

Lan Xichen, daring to lay a hand on him—

“What did you do, you repugnant little liar—”

He should have known that was coming. Shouldn’t have been so surprised at Lan Xichen’s treachery.

Xue Yang rubs at the bruises on his throat. The Lan Clan Leader had to have been part of the decision to beat Xue Yang to death all those years ago. It was foolish of Xue Yang to ever think otherwise. Stupid, stupid—

They reach Yueyang at dawn, slowed down by Jin Guangyao, who is far weaker than Xue Yang had expected.

The little snake disappears as the sun’s first rays touch him, his face a mask of pain.

“It hurts him,” Lan Xichen says, turning to Xue Yang.

Xue Yang tosses a candied peanut in the air, catching it in his mouth. “So? What do you want me to do about it?”

“Anchor him here. Do something !”

“You’re the scholar. You’re the expert on ghosts.”

“On getting rid of them! You’re the one who knows how to—to work your wicked tricks—”

“Ah, the second they’re no longer working in your favor, they’re ‘suddenly wicked tricks.’ ”

Lan Xichen frowns as if he has no idea what Xue Yang means.

Hypocrite . He wants to punch himself in the face for ever thinking Lan Xichen was any different than the rest. Hypocrite, hypocrite—

A stab of fear. What if this all means that Lan Xichen is not, in fact, a suitable subject—

No. No. Lan Xichen is still “pure.” Still “good.” He can’t help being born so high that the execution of a criminal meant nothing to him, can’t help being raised by the Lan to think that any cultivation deviating from the norm is “wicked”—

He knows he should take Xiao Xingchen out, tell him about his progress. Knows he should ask Lan Xichen to leave their shared room to give them some privacy, but instead Xue Yang goes to the innkeeper and orders several jars of wine.

He’d spent the trip to Yueyang coming up with an alternate explanation of Jin Guangyao’s return for the daozhang. Xiao Xingchen, he knows, would not approve of the lingchi.

He knows that’s why Xiao Xingchen had abandoned him the other night. The daozhang must have sensed something. That was all. Simple disapproval.

Xue Yang can explain everything. Explain how whatever Xiao Xingchen thought he’d sensed, it had been wrong…

But instead he orders the wine.

“I thought you don’t drink,” says Lan Xichen.

“Everyone has to start sometime. Besides, if you think I can put up with you and that dimpled weasel making eyes at each while sober, you are gravely mistaken.” He takes a deep drink from the wine jar. “Just go and ask him.”

“I beg your pardon. Ask him what?”

“ ‘I beg your pardon,’ ” Xue Yang mimics. “Just ask the dimpled little freak what he needs done.”

“Needs done?”

“Are all of you Lans this dense? This is demonic cultivation. Everything is the opposite of what you know. The thing that would normally set his spirit at rest will instead bind him to this world. No more disappearing and reappearing.”

“No more pain?”

“I can’t answer that. But I’d guess not.” Xue Yang finishes his first jar of wine. It’s disgusting dry wine, but he’s not drinking it for the flavor. He takes a sip from the second jar. It burns his bruised throat and he chokes, coughing up a mix of wine and blood from his pierced tongue.

Fucking Lan.

“Not that we can fix what’s wrong with him up here,” he adds, tapping his head. “Guess being locked up for a year with an angry ghost who hates your insides isn’t a lot of fun.”

“What do you mean?”

Xue Yang ignores him, just stretches out on his bed and closes his eyes. Just have to wait for him to fall asleep, then I can take out Xiao Xingchen, explain everything to him—

But when he wakes in the middle of the night to a quiet room, he instead unsheathes Shuanghua and lays it beside him, heating the metal to body temperature using a Wen talisman, and goes back to sleep, pressed closely up against the blade.

They tell him the news in the morning: “A-Yao” has selected Wu Shen, a Yunping merchant as the target of his revenge, the thing Lan Xichen believes will anchor the little freak to the world of the living.

Xue Yang knows he should be happy, knows this is exactly what he’s been wanting, knows this is important progress, but the joy he’d felt at the Chang Manor is gone, and there’s no recapturing it.

It takes a week to reach Yunping City.

Seven nights for Xue Yang to sit with a cold lifeless pouch in his hands while Jin Guangyao lies warm and breathing next to Lan Xichen.

It’s not that Xiao Xingchen doesn’t want to communicate with him.

And it’s not that he can’t .

Xue Yang is certain of this.

For years he’s felt Xiao Xingchen stirring in his pouch, communicating with him, listening to him—

It’s simply that now that they’re so very, very close, Xiao Xingchen is preserving his strength so he can assist Xue Yang when the moment comes.

That’s all.

He doesn’t say much to Jin Guangyao during this time. He talks, of course. A lot. But that’s different than truly saying anything.

Except for one conversation they have on the third night, when Jin Guangyao is still communicative, before the clan leader fades fully into himself and stops speaking.

“What do you plan to do after Wu Shen is dead?” he asks Jin Guangyao. The little weasel is lying beside Lan Xichen, who’s fast asleep. Jin Guangyao’s hands are clasped tightly over his chest, as if lying still and corpselike on his back brings back bad memories.

Jin Guangyao darts a quick look over at Lan Xichen as if to make sure he’s truly asleep. “What do you mean?”

“Shall I repeat myself and wake him up?”

Jin Guangyao frowns slightly. “I heard you. But you know good and well what will happen to me.”

“And yet you asked that deluded blue fool to kill that merchant for you.”

Jin Guangyao is staring straight up at the ceiling, knuckles standing out white and sharp on his tightly clasped hands. “He won’t do it.”

Xue Yang snorts. “If he doesn’t, I’ve wasted a lot of time.”

“I beg your pardon?”

Xue Yang stretches, running his fingertips down Shuanghua’s textured white hilt. “Bringing you together, I mean.”

“That makes no sense.”

Xue Yang gives a silent little shrugging laugh. This is the first time Jin Guangyao has really sounded like his old self. He’d never been fooled for a moment by the other man’s cloying, ingratiating manner. Jin Guangyao is a condescending, vicious, arrogant bastard, and Xue Yang appreciates that.

It’s the false humility and veneer of politeness that he can’t deal with. Beat someone half to death and leave them bleeding out in a ditch—behead his sworn brother—assassinate his father—this Xue Yang can understand. But show your face while you do it, is how he sees it. Don’t hide behind a mask of gentility!

“It doesn’t matter,” says Jin Guangyao when Xue Yang just keeps laughing. “He won’t do it.”

“Are you certain?”

Jin Guangyao glances over at the man asleep beside him. It’s sickening, the way he’s been making eyes at Lan Xichen. “He won’t.”

“And if he does?”

“Then…” Jin Guangyao trails off. “He won’t.”

Whatever. Better for Jin Guangyao to believe the utter bullshit he’s spouting. Wouldn’t do to have him trying to stop Lan Xichen.

Just a few more days now.

* * * *

“Dinner first, I think,” says Xue Yang as they settle into their inn in Yunping. “Can’t practice demonic cultivation on an empty stomach, now, can we? Zewu-jun? No? Suit yourself. Meet back here in an hour, and we’ll head out.” Xue Yang heads downstairs.

The smell of fried vegetables and dumplings wafts from the inn’s kitchen, but Xue Yang is too nervous to eat.

That’s a first. Being too nervous for anything is a first.

Instead he shaves and fixes his hair, braiding it like Xiao Xingchen used to for him and looping it up to be bound by the silver hairpiece he’s saved all these years. Puts on his best robes. Cleans his nails and teeth and polishes his sword.

He looks in the small, grainy mirror stuck to the room’s wall, then looks away.

He’s still not sure why he avoids mirrors. You’d think he’d want to see Xiao Xingchen’s face—

He turns away and heads out to the address Jin Guangyao had given him.

But not before taking a small detour.

A risk, the detour. But a necessary one.

It’s snowing out. It coats his hair and robes, but he barely notices the icy wetness.

So close. So close—

The name “Xiao Xingchen” gets him through Wu Shen’s front door, but he has to wait a good fifteen minutes before anyone actually sees him.

He paces the small, over-furnished study as he waits. Dark red curtains, dark red floor, dark red hangings. Like slitting open a monster’s belly and crawling inside , Xue Yang thinks. He fidgets with the brush set on the desk, spilling ink on a stack of letters. He’s debating whether to sweep the whole thing onto the floor or just leave it there when Wu Shen bustles in.

“And what can I do for the daozhang?” he asks, bowing.

Normally Xue Yang would enjoy his, take his time playing with the mouse he’s caught, but he hasn’t the time or inclination tonight. Within seconds there’s a silencing spell slapped over Wu Shen’s thick blubbery lips and he’s tied up with a spirit-binding rope, being hauled out the window up into the snowy sky.

Xue Yang makes straight for Guanyin Temple with just one more detour. Lan Xichen and his precious A-Yao are there, as expected.

Xue Yang dumps Wu Shen in the snow at their feet.

Lan Xichen stares at the purple-faced man on the ground and then looks quickly at Jin Guangyao, who stands utterly still without a trace of emotion on his small pale face.

“Let’s go inside,” Xue Yang suggests. Jin Guangyao, it seems, is ready to stand there frozen all night, and Lan Xichen is more than happy to stand there staring at him.

The temple’s ceiling is half cratered, the entire place turned upside-down, but the damage isn’t as extensive as it could have been. Humming, Xue Yang limps around the temple, lighting the surviving candles with his Wen talismans. Normally cold and damp weather means pain, but tonight he barely notices the stiffness in his leg.

He’s still doing this when Lan Xichen, like an idiot, removes the silencing spell.

“—sue you all! Unhand me at once! What is the meani—”

Lan Xichen, in a rare display of good sense, replaces the silencing spell.

“ ‘Unhand me at once’?” Xue Yang snickers. “If you don’t kill him, I will. Dammit, get back here—” Wu Shen is rolling quietly towards the door. Xue Yang flies after him and shoves him flat on the ground with his foot, sending a stab of pain up his bad leg.

“He’s all yours,” he says to Lan Xichen.

They’ve been building to this point for a full week, but Lan Xichen still manages to look stunned.

“Our dimpled friend can’t do it, or it would just create more resentful energy,” he lies. “You know about these things from your studies, don’t you, Lianfang-zun? Tell the man.”

Jin Guangyao ducks his head in agreement, eyes still fixed on Wu Shen.

Xue Yang prods Wu Shen’s belly with the tip of his sword. Wu Shen gives a silent eep of indignation. Strangely, he seems more angry than scared. “Better hurry, Zewu-jun, before I give it a shot myself. ‘Unhand me at once’—”

Jin Guangyao looks up for the first time. “Er-ge?”

Lan Xichen’s sword is in his hand.

“Take my advice,” says Xue Yang, leaning on one of the few surviving columns, “and get it over with quick. Don’t try to have fun with it this time. I mean, I did my first time, but—”

He jumps as Lan Xichen takes Shuoyue and rams it through Wu Shen’s heart. He’d expected to have to do a lot more talking.

Lan Xichen releases the hilt, leaving the sword sticking up out of the dead man’s chest, and staggers backwards. He’s shaking all over, as if he’s about to pass out—

Jin Guangyao turns to Lan Xichen.

“I didn’t think you would actually do it,” he says, very softly. “Xichen, I…” He grips Lan Xichen’s sword hand. “Goodbye, Xichen. Find m—”

And then he’s gone, a handful of sparks fading into the flickering dimness of the temple.

Lan Xichen’s mouth falls open, arms dangling limply at his sides, a wooden puppet with no strings.

Xue Yang looks up from where he’s using Wu Shen’s blood to draw an array on the floor. “What went well.”

“Did you know?” Lan Xichen grabs Xue Yang’s throat. “Did you know he’d disappear? You told me it was different for demonic cultivation; you told me it would bind him here—”

“Better question to ask is if he knew,” Xue Yang chokes out.

“If—if—”

Xue Yang pries Lan Xichen’s nerveless fingers from his throat. “It was a test. You failed it. Gave in right away, as I understand.”

“I—”

Xue Yang’s bruised throat aches as he laughs. “You were the better part of him. Supposed to be the better part of him. Moonlight in the darkness and all that bullshit.”

“You—you lied to me!”

“I suppose all the beads were put in the looks bucket when you were made,” Xue Yang grins, “without a lot left over for brains.” He clicks his tongue. "What else did you expect from someone as repugnant as me?"

Lan Xichen collapses to his knees, clutching at the tiles as if trying to ground himself, his fingernails scraping the stone.

And then he’s back on his feet, swaying, a paper funeral doll hanging from a string. His knees buckle slightly, as if the melting snow has soaked his paper limbs.

“Why did you do this?”

“About time you asked.” Xue Yang removes a torn book page from his qiankun sleeve, waves it at Lan Xichen. “You really should have asked more questions, my friend.”

Lan Xichen snatches at the page, stares at them with unseeing eyes.

“The ritual calls for the corruption of a soul of so-called equal purity in order to create a proper vessel,” Xue Yang explains. “Not exactly easy to find a person like that in this stinking world. Not to mention access to the Lan library and Inquiry.” He shrugs. “You were the very obvious choice. Too bad you didn’t intentionally kill those Lan cultivators when we left the Cloud Recesses and those Nie guards, or I could’ve saved a lot of time.”

Lan Xichen’s voice seems to come from somewhere outside himself. “Are you going to kill me?”

“Kill Zewu-jun?” Xue Yang twirls a strand of hair around his finger. “I can’t take you down on my own. But I figure they can, which is why I invited them. Right on time, too—”

He takes the page back right before Lan Xichen draws Shuoyue and flies at Xue Yang. His movements are erratic, nothing like his usual impeccable swordsmanship, and Xue Yang easily spins out of the way with a laugh.

“Clan Leader!”

Six Lan cultivators have come floating down through the ceiling. They drink in the dead body, the frenzied look on Lan Xichen’s face, the blood on the floor—

One produces his guqin and begins to play.

Lan Xichen bares his teeth and turns on him, slashing the air with Shuoyue.

An arc of blue light, and the cultivator and his guqin lie in pieces on the ground.

“Zewu-jun! This is not you—”

Lan Xichen attacks.

Xue Yang stands back, watching the battle. His own swordsmanship is good but, despite his time with the Wen and Jin Clans, it lacks polish, and he knows he’s no match for Lan cultivators.

And they, it seems, are no match for Lan Xichen.

But it’s still six against one, and Lan Xichen is not himself. Holds his own well enough, parying and thrusting like a graceful blue whirlwind, but he’s bleeding heavily—

Xue Yang squints in the flickering lamplight. Not all of the blood blooming over his gauzy blue robes are from wounds inflicted by the Lan cultivators. Blood is spurting from his mouth, streaming from his eyes, squirting from a hundred little wounds appearing suddenly over his body as he—

Oh, for heaven’s sake. That’s all he needs right now; an honest-for-goodness qi deviation when he’s so close —

A stab of panic. The ritual would heal all inflicted wounds, but what if it didn’t heal qi-derived wounds—?

What if Xiao Xingchen woke up in a body that was bleeding out —

Forced to relive that nightmare a second time—

The last Lan cultivator falls but Lan Xichen continues to hack and slash and spin at the empty air, whirling and swinging and roaring, a beautiful, savage creature in blue and white, fighting phantoms until blood loss forces him to his knees.

It’s almost...pathetic.

Xue Yang can’t remember the last time he’s used that word to describe something other than Lan Xichen.

Pathetic.

He looks down at Lan Xichen. The man kneels at his feet, bleeding heavily.

“Shall I do it, my friend?” he asks Lan Xichen. His voice is almost soft.

Lan Xichen stabs upward with his sword, slashing Xue Yang’s side open like a gutted fish.

The floor rushes up to meet Xue Yang, slamming itself against his skull.

Fuck, the bastard must have struck an artery—

Wet heat, spreading over his side, his leg—a rapidly-spreading puddle of red as his pounding heart pumps the blood from his body—

Lan Xichen is kneeling, staring down at his hands. The hands that killed his precious A-Yao.

Waiting.

“You’re welcome,” says Xue Yang, blood spurting over his chin, and he plunges his knife deep into Lan Xichen’s chest.

Lan Xichen sprawls out on the stone tiles.

His vision blurred, he can just make out Lan Xichen gazing up at him, blue robes soaked with crimson, sword lying just out of his grasp in the pool of red.

Still. Peaceful.

Desperately he claws his way over to the center of the array on his hands and knees, slipping in the blood. He’s bleeding out fast—both him and Lan Xichen—

—and if Lan Xichen is already dead this has all been for nothing—

All for nothing, all for nothing—

He flops down on the array, struggling to focus, keep his rapidly fading thoughts from drifting down into the darkness rising up around him.

Warm. Too warm. And cold. Too cold.

He might still be able to heal himself yet; seal his gushing veins, seal his meridians, keep himself from bleeding out, use the last of his spiritual energy on that—

No point. No point. No point in surviving this without Xiao Xingchen. This is it—this is his last chance—

A kaleidoscope of colors burst through the darkness. He struggles to breathe, to inhale the colors into his lungs as if they’ll give him the strength to drag himself forward, but he’s lost all awareness of his mouth, his throat, his lungs, lost all control of his limbs.

A loud cry from somewhere in the misty darkness, startling him back to himself.

Summoning the last of his strength, Xue Yang reaches deep inside himself, seizes every last scrap of spiritual energy, and releases it into the array, choking out the words of the incantation—formless, gibbering words as his tongue flops uselessly in his mouth.

The warmth intensifies.

Heat, now. Uncomfortable, burning heat. Or it would be, could he feel anything—

His eyes have gone almost completely dark, but he can see a vague blue-and-red blur in front of him.

The blur moves. Sits up, then falls over, heaving itself towards him.

“Daozhang?” gasps Xue Yang with the last of the air in his lungs.

“Chengmei?”

A looming face appears in the misty rainbow-shot darkness, a pale white splotch streaked with red.

“Ch-chengmei? I heard your voice—Xue Yang!”

Xue Yang tries to drag himself towards the face, but his body won’t respond. The face is almost gone now, subsumed by the whirling rainbow lights, a thousand dancing, dying fireflies.

“What did you do to Chengmei? Is this his blood? I can’t remember anything—”

Numb limbs quivering, Xue Yang raises himself up onto all fours and struggles blindly towards the voice. He needs to speak to the face, needs to know he’s whole again. Needs to explain, needs to reach him, needs to—to—

He dies before he gets there.

* * *

Thanks for reading! tbh I never know if anyone reads these tumblr posts so a kudos on Ao3 would be much appreciated <3

[jiangwanyinscatmom]

tbh the only time I’ve seen REAL song lan hate is when certain xuexiao shippers get a bit unhinged. like song lan is somehow getting in the way of this already doomed relationship that canonically ends in murder/suicide? idk

the rest is just people who love to infantilize xxc. he may have descended from an immortal mountain with lofty ideals, but he’s the one who, through ignorance, let xue yang escape justice twice, resulting in the deaths of everyone song lan cared about. it’s obvious that xxc accepts responsibility too, since he gives up his eyes in exchange. people going poor uwu baby xxc didn’t deserve to be yelled at by song lan just irritate me to no end. like it’s a crime to let this grown ass adult character feel responsible for the mistakes he’s made

but again, xxc isn’t the only character in mdzs that people have an issue seeing clearly (or acknowledging when that character has fucked up) as if their admiration of a character can only exist once they’ve scrubbed all the problematic aspects of their story line away

Ahhh maybe this is it, I really don't follow Xiao Xingchen fans specifically so I was very surprised. I ship XueXiao slightly but not with the expectation for anything actually happy out of it (give me all the unhinged).

Xiao Xingchen is an early mirror to Xichen's own obliviousness but was able to make his peace with it an try to make amends (in a way that also mirrors Wei Wuxian's fallout with Jiang Cheng too). The difference there is that Xiao Xingchen was able to accept that Song Lan had a right the be angry with him, and left to give him space for better or for worse since Song Lan was the reason to his ignorance. Xue Yang very much took advantage of his kindness just like Jin Guanyao did to Lan Xichen. It's why those two in particular are able to say they "understand" each other in the extras.

At any rate, I think their friendship was a tragedy in itself but they had a way to make amends to each other in some way unlike Jiang Cheng-Wei Wuxian and Lan Xichen-Jin Guangyao. There was still a hope for them there. But I suppose the infantilization is just something no one can run away from in some of the circles here.

[anxious-witch]

Song of penance, melody of forgiveness

Part nine

"I wish you were

still just a

human to me,

 I don't want

to look at you

and see poetry."

-k.p.k

 Huaisang felt like his sanity was slipping through his fingers. Xichen's words haunted him. He wanted to cover his ears not to heard them, but Xichen wasn't here anymore. It was his own thoughts that taunted him.

 "One of the possible outcomes was me marrying you."

 The worst thing was that Huaisang could imagine it. An alliance between their two sects throught marriage. He couldn't stop the mental images that came with the thought.

 Him and Xichen, in red robes. Laughing at something his da-ge said. His and Lan Wangji's quiet understanding. 

 Huaisang yanked on his hair, trying to pull himself together. The scenes kept coming,  though.

 No sworn brotherhood. Less opportunity for Jin Guanyao to cause Mingjue qi deviation. Huaisanh panted. Mingjue could have lived.

 And even if he didn't...Huaisang would have the support of Gusu Lan. Lan Wangji would believe him, surely. Maybe even Xichen would, as his husband.

 Worse yet...Huaisang could imagine their marriage, too. Not the cold one they had now. The one where they could eventually grow to like, maybe even love each other.

 If Xichen came to love Meng Yao,  wouldn't he come around loving the softer version of Huaisang? The one that would have existed if he didn't have to see his brother die. 

 Feelings he was sure he buried years ago came bubbling to the surface. The pictures that come now are slower, more detailed. Because they are memories.

 The way Xichen smiled at him when he'd pass by in Cloud Recess. Their talks, about paintings and flowers...

 The memory and the fantasy mixed, and Huaisang imagined himself leaning forward and kissing Xichen. Imagined them wearing red robes in a much happier way. The long talks at night, after curfew, because they couldn't sleep.

 Few tears escaped him, and Huaisang angrily wiped them away. It was ridiculous! Those were the fantasies of a child. A child that died on the same day his brother did. 

 Huaisang knew better. 

 He grabbed the gifts Xichen gave him. He snapped the brush in half and threw the pieces at the other side of the room. Then he reached for the dagger.

 He took a moment to feel it's weight. It was perfect-light enough to carry and weild, sharp enough to cut and small enough to be hidden. Huaisang hated it.

 He walked over to his dresser and pulled out his wedding room. It was beautiful, of course. Red as a setting sun, with golden ornaments. Huaisang hated that, too.

 If he had a wedding he wanted, he would have made a design. That was another fantasy he had since he was a child. Even before he had anyone he wanted to marry, he had that idea. He wanted to make it personal.  

 What a joke.

 He cut it up in strips, letting them fall at his feet. It felt good, but only for a moment. Too soon, he was left with nothing to cut and with a pile of ruined robes at his feet. 

 Tears started pooling at his eyes again and he unwillingly let out a sob. He fell to his knees, curling into himself.

 His chest ached. He didn't want this, any of this.

 The worst part was that he realized he was still in love with Lan Xichen. Not the one that he married though, no. The one that lived only in his memory, in his fantasy.

 The one that didn't exist.

 True Lan Xichen was so very flawed. So much that sometimes Huaisang was sure he hated him with burning passion. And yet. 

 His chest was a void. He couldn't feel his heart. His lungs were collapsing into nothing

 Huaisang cried until there were no tears left. Until his head hurt and the aching in his chest, while not stopped, receded a bit. Let him breathe. It didn't feel like his lungs were collapsing into a void anymore. 

 And then he did what he always did. He picked himself up. Stood up, washed his face, wiped away snot and tears. When he was done, it was barely visible that he cried.

 He picked up one of the books he brought with himself. About astronomy.  His concentration wasn't the best, so he just skimmed the pages. Until the door opened.

 It was Xichen again, but before Huaisang could tell him to leave, he spoke up.

 "The bird is injured. I need your help, I know you know a lot about birds...I think it's wing is broken."

 Huaisang grimaced. Pain and bitterness sat heavily in his chest, still.

 "Why should I?"

 Xichen breathed out sharply, looking almost...helpless?

 "If you don't help the bird, it will die!"

 Huaisang watched him silently for a moment. Xichen's face was open and easily readable. He was terrified for the bird. Why, Huaisang couldn't quite understand. 

 But he knew this wasn't another test. This was an honest plea for help. Some of the bitterness in him melted away.

 "Fine. Show me where it is."

 Xichen knelled down, showing little nightingale cupped in his hands. Huaisang winced.

 "You carried it here?"

 Xichen furrowed his brows.

 "I couldn't leave it there for the cat to eat it."

 Huaisang internally sighed. He hoped bird's injury wasn't aggravated because of that. He grabbed the some of the cut up robe from the floor and arranged it like a nest.

 "Put it here. You could make the injury worse."

 Xichen did as he was told, gently handling the bird. His eyes lingered on the cut up robe, but he bit inside of his cheek and stayed silent. Good. Huaisang felt too drained for another argument.

 He carefully looked at the bird. It's eyes were half closed, which definitely indicated an injury. Left wing was in a weird position, which probably meant it was broken. Huaisang prayed it was only one bone. If it was multiple...he could only ease bird's passing.

 Huaisang took few more strips of fabric. And then reached for one of his fans. It was an old one, with not much significance.  He bought it at the market long time ago. 

 Making up his mind, he cut the fabric from the fan to expose the wooden part. He broke it in smaller pieces and out it next to strips of cloth.

 Xichen's eyes were on him the entire time, he could tell. He wasn't important right now, though. Huaisang concentrate on his task. Gently lifting the bird from the next, he separated the wing with careful precision.  

 It definitely had broken radius or ulna. It was hard to tell with such a small bird, but Huaisang was fairly certain only one of them was broken. That gave the bird the chance to recover.

 Huaisang check the rest of the wing, just in case, but everything else seemed to be in one piece. 

 "Wrap the wood in fabric. And tuck in the ends of kt so it doesn't fall apart."

 He tried not to watch the way Xichen's long fingers carefully wrapped the red fabric around it. It lasted maybe a few second and yet for Huaisang, it felt like ages. He didn't look at Xichen's face.

 Xichen handed it over when he was done. Huaisang gently place it to the part of birds wing that was broken and reached for more fabric to tie it there. When he was finished, he put it back in improvised nest.

 "It's going to live. Probably. We just need to feed it and keep it warm. It's a nightingale so thankfully, berries and seeds are options."

 Xichen nodded, his hands hovering over the bird, as if he could magically heal it. He dropped them at Huaisang's questioning look.

 "I will make sure there is food for the bird. Thank you."

 His eyes were intense, burning. Huaisang couldn't hold his gaze. Instead he dropped it at the bird and it's nest of ruined wedding robes. Xichen followed his gaze.

 "I am sorry I upset you earlier with bringing it up that we were supposed to be engaged. I understand it must have been...a shock."

 Huaisang closed his eyes, willing himself not to cry again. He felt too vulnerable, too cracked opened for this.

 "Do you?" 

 "Do I what?" Xichen asked softly.

 Huaisang sighed.

 "Do you understand? Do you really?"

 He snapped his eyes open. Xichen looked as lost as Huaisang felt. Somehow that spurred his anger on. Why would he get to feel lost? He wasn't the one who didn't know a thing for years!

 "If we have gotten married...my brother would probably be alive. Jin Guanyao...well, he wouldn't be important without your support. We-"

 Huaisang cut himself off. If he continued talking, he would say things he absolutely shouldn't say. He jumped to his feet.

 "I can't do this," He said quickly, marching to the door.

 Xichen caught his elbow and Huaisang tried to wrestle away, but of course, he didn't budge. 

 "Huaisang wait I-"

 "Don't. I promised Wei Wuxian I'll meet with him today and I really,  really can't do this right now."

 Xichen stayed silent for a heartbeat. Then another.

  "Lan Huan," Huaisang whispered, "please let me go."

 He let go. Huaisang turned and ran, not looking back. He couldn't-wouldn't look back to see the effect of his word. Of saying Xichen's birth name. 

 Huaisang leaned on a tree once he stopped running. He let the sharp tree bark dig into his back and in his palms, grounding him. 

 He was so, so stupid. Losing his composure like that. What was he thinking?! Deep breaths. In and out. And in again. Out.

 His feet made their way to Wei Wuxian's Jingshi. The one furthest away from the rest, so Lan Wangji wouldn't accidentally stumble upon him. Huaisang knocked, but when he received no answer, let himself in.

 Wei Wuxian was meditating. Sitting with his legs crossed, he was staring and the incense stick that was halfway burned. Huaisang remembered his brother doing the same thing.

 Mingjue explained that when he closed his eyes, there was too many thoughts. But if he concentrated on one thing he could see, he could reach meditative state easier.

 They both watched as incense stick burned for a moment. But Huaisang was bored by it soon enough. He turned to Wei Wuxian.

 "So did you think about my advice?"

 Wei Wuxian rolled his eyes, breaking out of his meditation. 

 "You are the last person I'd listen to."

 It was half a joke, Huaisang knew. It still stung.

 His smile felt all too sharp. All too honest.

"And yet. I seem to be the only person that's willing to help you."

 Wei Wuxian finally looked at him. Judging by his gaze, he looked like a mess. His braids still messy from where he pulled on them earlier, his clothes rumpled and probably dirty from leaning on a tree.

 "Why don't you sit down first?"

 Huaisang sighed, and joined him on the floor. He didn't meet Wei Wuxian's searching gaze again.

 "So, what happened?"

 As if I'd tell you, Huaisang thought. It's not that he didn't trust Wei Wuxian at all. But telling him about what happened? It would confirm his suspicion about Huaisang manipulating Lan Xichen into this marriage. As if Huaisang could predict he still harbored any feelings for him!

 "So, did you confess to Lan Wangji?"

 Wei Wuxian stroked his nose again, narrowing his eyes at Huaisang.

 "If I explain why I don't want to confess to him, will you tell me what happened between you and Lan Xichen?"

 Huaisang considered it. On one hand, finding out what happened between the two of them could make it easier to get them together later on. One the other...was it really worth talking about what happened with Xichen? The wound still felt too fresh. 

 "Fine."

 Wei Wuxian fidgeted with his sleeve. It was as if his usual bravado slowly melted away.

 "Lan Zhan confessed to me after Guanyin Temple. He kissed me. And I..."

 Wei Wuxian swallowed, as if something was preventing him to speak. But he continued after a pause.

 "I told him that I can't stay in Cloud Recess and that he can't abandon his duties. So we shouldn't let that happen again."

 Huaisang couldn't help himself. He started laughing. He was laughing so hard his stomach started hurting. Wei Wuxian looked half offended, and half like he was fearing for his sanity.

 "I am sorry but. You told the love of your life that confessed his love for you that you two can't be together because of rules and duties?"

 Huaisang closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, the way Mingjue used to. He was starting to understand why he did that a lot.

 "Wei Wuxian...are you absolutely insane? I did not go through the trouble of resurrecting you, just so you could pine over Lan Wangji again."

 Now it was Wei Wuxian who snorted. He looked anything but amused though.

 "I know it sounds insane. But I...how could I ask of him to leave everything behind for me? And I feel like if I came here...I would change to the point where I wouldn't recognize myself."

 Huaisang flinched back a bit at that. He...he could understand that. Perhaps better than Wei Wuxian thought. 

 "Is there no other way?"

 Wei Wuxian shrugged. 

 "Maybe? I can't think of one. Either way, it doesn't matter. I won't confess to him."

 The wheels already started turning in Huaisang's head. He had something to work with now, at least. It was easier to find a solution when you knew what was the problem.

 "Now, tell me what happened."

 Right. That was part of the deal. Guaisang internally groaned.

 "The short version is that I found out my brother and Xichen talked about a possibility of the two of us marrying. Before Sunshot campaign happened that is," Huaisang lowered his voice, "he even gave my brother a courting gift he planned on giving me."

 Wei Wuxian gaped at him. It was certainly bad when Yiling Patriach was taken off guard.

 "Well. That-that's a lot to take in."

 Huaisang hugged his knees to his chest, staring ahead. Wei Wuxian hesitantly put a hand to his shoulder.

 "I am sorry, A-Sang. Is there-"

 "I called him Lan Huan. Before I left. I don't know why I did that."

 They fall silent, Wei Wuxian rubbing comforting circles in his shoulder.

 "Sometimes, things like that slip when we know something deep inside of us, but aren't ready to face it yet."

 Huaisang snorted, but it sounded more like a sob at this point.

 "Shut up, Wei Wuxian. You aren't qualified to give love advices to anyone."

 Wei Wuxian chuckled, squeezing his shoulder.

 "I suppose you are right. Care to stay for a bit longer and meditate with me then? Maybe that would be more helpful."

 Huaisang shrugged, so Wei Wuxian replaced incense stick with a new one and lit it. Both of them turned their gazes towards it and watched as it slowly burned away. 

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