#I hate how pop culture has misused the word narcissist and applied it to everyone

[lunarian-anarchist]

I can't believe that it's just now occurring to me that my mom hasn't made any real changes. She's just putting on a mask and hoping I'll stay. I feel like such a moron.

All my life; my mom has bad mouthed my eldest sister Nicole and always told me how amazing I was, how I was G-d's gift to her, how I was her last chance at being a good mom and she told me all these things when I was as young as 6 or 7. What's really interesting to me is that she rarely ever mentioned her middle child Sarah and when she did; it was usually only in conjunction with my eldest sister and how they both sucked because neither of them speak to her.

Why do I find her lack of speaking about Sarah interesting? Because according to both Sarah and Nicole; my mom repeatedly sabotaged her relationship with my middle sister even though said sister was much more forgiving and actively sought her out.

But what's really REALLY pathetic on my part is that I didn't realize that she only started to "change" once I told her that I wasn't going to speak to her once I left. This happened about 2 years ago and it happened after my step dad said something hurtful and she basically prodded me to answer whether or not I'd stay. Not what she could do to better herself or how I was in pain but "Are you lying to me? Are you lying to me until you can leave? Are you planning on leaving? Please tell me how to fix this"

But this isn't anything new because something similar happened after I was baker acted because I was suicidal. When they visited me in the hospital; I told them I was tired of being beat and I hate them. The beatings stopped after that and until last Saturday; neither of them put their hands on me.

Then going back to two years ago; I told her that I wanted her to respect me like I respected her and suddenly she was much more supportive, suddenly more loving, suddenly paying more attention, suddenly wanting to spend more time with me, suddenly respecting me.

It's like she hears "ok ok ok so THIS is what I need to do to keep her here with me"