#I hate being an IRL of Vivia bc why was I having a terrible time in source

[evangelistofmurder]

Why can't I get over this?? /Hj

TLDR - I'm kinda just typing this out bc my source memories are stressing me out and I can't find a proper outlet to cope

(Source memory venting under the cut)

Feel free to ask more since I don't mind talking about DMs

Everytime I get extra content, it's just bittersweet. (dramatic irony at its finest I guess?) Honestly my existence in source is just a sardonic joke. Like I want peace, I get my peace and it's taken away from me.

I mentioned this in a previous post but the novel really hits the nail in the coffin for me.

Waiting for Yuma was FOUL for this:

"If someday. If someone were to appear who could give Vivia some peace. If only someone could bring him out into the light when he was stuck in the dark. '...It would be pointless to hope for something like that.'"

The DLC ties into this with:

"Perhaps the peace I desire can be found there."

I don't even want to quote Chapter 4.

All the peace I thought I could find in death is gone. If I died someday it be lonely without Yakou if anything, and dying means losing him. I don't want that to happen. I think the only person in source who would understand my grief would be Yuma considering the labyrinth and conversation about the letter. We all saw how that turned out considering Yuma's also just gone (he left on his own accord) but still the one other person you could rely on for support not being there is also just devastating.

I'm upset that the other detectives thought I didn't care— I understand why so I won't fault them for it. I just stood there doing nothing and then the one thing I did do didn't even matter anyway.

In source postcanon, I kept visiting him in the restricted area. It takes me out mentally everytime but I did it anyway since I just wanted to see Yakou. I have no idea if he took the dlc pill or not, plus I wasn't told about said pill in the first place.

I'm under the impression that everyone else moved on and I can't move on at all and it's really getting to me.

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I honestly don't know why I'm posting this but I don't think anyone's up right night so I didn't feel like bothering someone this early in the morning as of writing this. I'm sorry (I feel guilty writing this somehow).