#I had to rant somewhat and I am not speaking on Twitter for obvious reasons.

[godisasimp]

I'm seeing people "support" Ruan Mei's actions, like saying she was right and all.

But God forbid you do the same about Sparkle.

Twitter moment.

[crowdedimagines]

Leaked - Harry Styles

2.8k :) 

“Y/n?” His voice rings out a soft echo. The only noise in my room tonight. I simply answered so the incessant buzzing on my nightstand would finally cease. If only I had checked the contact, I wouldn’t be sitting up straight in bed, staring into the black of my room.

“Hello?” I answer back after a long enough pause for both of us to know that I have just woken up and I wasn’t fully aware of what I was answering.

“I’m sorry to wake you. I forgot what time it is there right now.” I can hear some shuffling on his end, it sounds like he’s getting up and walking around. He must be in London right now, not in his home only a ten minute drive from mine in Malibu. I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees, letting my comforter drop from my shoulders.

“What’s wrong Harry?” I ask, cutting to the chase. The slight nervous edge in his voice tells me that something is most definitely wrong. I can’t just sit in silence waiting for the world to stop, I need him to spit it out. Spit out whatever made him call me after nearly a year of no longer being together.

“I had a leak. Someone hacked my phone.”

I don’t know what I was expecting, but this was far from it. I let out a sigh, he’s okay. At least physically. I can feel a slight weight lift off my chest, but it’s far from light still.

“Okay?” I prompt for him to continue.

“It’s pictures of you, Y/n.”

And to think I was worried about him. His words make my ears ring for a few seconds. An eerie pitch fills the void between us, neither of us knowing the words to help this situation.

“Which pictures?”

I switch Harry to speaker and open twitter, ignoring the mass texts that are coming in right now. My manager and my publicist ranting on our group chat but the messages fade into the background as soon as my eyes cross the trending page.

“Um-”

#Y/n’sleaked

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” My hands start shaking as I look over the images shared with the entire world. Not even just one, multiple over the time we shared a relationship.

A picture I sent him on tour, standing in our mirror with not a thread of clothing. Bare as the day I was born. I remember taking this picture as a tease right before he had to take the stage at Madison Square Garden. Now more people than can fit in Madison Square Garden have seen that picture.

Next, is a picture of me in a rather compromising position on my knees looking up at him. It’s not hard to tell what was happening or about to happen. Harry took this one, It was already a hot night for us, and somehow him pulling out his phone snapping a quick picture made it even hotter. Now I need to worry about my family ever seeing this.

Finally, the most modest of the group, a picture of me in simple dark red lingerie thrown on the bed by Harry. Once again, a picture that Harry had snapped himself. I had just come home from tour and he answered our door and I dropped everything I had, including the clothes I had been wearing. He chased me up to our room, he finally caught me in our room and literally threw me on the bed. He pulled out his phone claiming he wanted to remember the sheer joy he was feeling in that moment. Now it’s bringing me dread.

Tweet after tweet sharing the same group of photos.

Harry doesn’t say a single word, knowing that I’ve seen exactly what he was trying to break down to me.

“Oh my god.” I shutter, refreshing as the tweets come in by the hundreds.

“Y/n I-”

I hang up before he can utter another word. I can’t speak with him right now, knowing exactly who’s to blame for putting me out there like that. We broke up nearly a year ago, if he had simply deleted the photos once the relationship was over, maybe we wouldn’t be here.

I read the thread of messages between Jordan my manager and Paula my publicist. Both are trying to diffuse the situation. I wonder how they found out, did they get a call at two in the morning from Jeff?

I simply reply that in the morning to meet at my house to get everything sorted out, there’s no point in stressing over what we can’t change and losing sleep over it. They both agree to be at my house bright and early at seven.

I put my phone back down and pull myself under the covers. At least for a few more hours this can’t be real. A few more hours I can hide under the covers and pretend that this isn’t happening.

I put coffee on, knowing that the girls will be here any moment, hopefully with a plan in hand on how we can diffuse the situation.

“Good morning.” Paula smiles cheerily followed by Jordan who just has a tight smile.

“Please tell me there’s something we can do.” I sit down on my touch, letting my hands warm on the mug.

“Yes, we-kind of!” Paula gushes.

I look to Jordan for a clear answer. Paula has always been a little nuttier, I love her to death, but right now I need serious and I need a plan. I need cold and honest.

“I talked with Jeff for a while last night and we both agree that we think it’s best for us to meet up together to discuss a course of action in person. We have a flight in an hour.”

“So you’re telling me that my nudes leak from his phone and now I have to hop on a plane to go see him?” My jaw must reach the floor by now.

“It’ll be better to get this all sorted out with both teams together. We have the same common goal here, we just want to make this look a little better.”

“Easy for you to say when it’s not your body trending on Twitter.”

“I wasn’t the one sending them.” She raises her brow, she’s told me a dozen times to never put myself in a position like this. That there can’t be any leaks when you don’t take anything private.

I climb upstairs to my room and grab a bag to start packing. I throw on a cute sweat suit and find a pair of dark tinted sunglasses. If anything, the airport is the last place I should be right now. The paparazzi are worse than they’ve ever been, even with Harry, I’ve never been bombarded like this. They throw question after question to me, hoping to get the first scoop on me the morning after it leaked. While it’s still hot and trending with every news outlet.

“Jesus.” Paula mutters, “Still got all your fingers and toes?”

I smile finally, “I’m fine, thank you.”

The flight is peaceful, thankfully. Jordan types a mile a minute on her laptop next to me. Surely, trying to work out a plan and get as many pictures taken down as possible. Not that it matters now, it’s out in the world forever now.

A sleek black car picks us up and drives the familiar route to Harry’s London home. We pull into the driveway and it knocks the air out of my lungs as soon as my feet hit the ground. There’s several cars that don’t belong to Harry, which means it’s a full house today.

I let Jordan walk in first, letting myself weakly trail behind. I haven’t seen Harry since the break up. Maybe once at an award show, but it was far away and we didn’t exchange words. I definitely didn’t think I would be stepping into his house again.

“Jordan.” Jeff greets, getting up from the dining table where it looks like people have set up camp. A whole crew of people making calls, scouring Twitter, and god knows what else.

“Hi, Jeff.” She smiles.

I look around a little, trying not to be obvious. The house looks the same, Hardly a single thing out of place in over a year. Not that I expect it too, I never fully lived here outside of a few weeks at a time. It’s not like our shared Malibu home that we sold in the break up. This place was always predominantly his.

Speaking of Harry, finally he looks up from his phone, he had been biting at his cuticles probably worrying, panicking. He tucks his phone in his back pocket and walks over to the rest of us. Paula instantly pulls him down for a hug, she always loved him.

“Harry!” She sighs.

He lets out a soft laugh and bends down to hug her short stature. We make eye contact a few times, but never say anything.

“I wish this was under different circumstances.” Paula whispers, even though we still all catch it.

“No hug? Harry teases Jordan. They were never close but at least he’s attempting to lighten the mood. Harry is probably the last person on this planet that she wants to hug.

“I’m not your biggest fan right now.” Jordan sighs, her steel cold gaze returns. I bite back a smirk over how protective she can be sometimes.

“Y/n, I-” Harry starts, finally turning his full attention to me.

“Y/n!” A louder voice cuts him off, I glance over his shoulder to see Gemma getting up from the couch in the living room, Anne close behind.

“Oh my god, I’ve missed you!” She pulls me in for a hug, her arms pulling me in tight, as if to make up for the months of nearly no contact.

“I’ve missed you too, Gem.” I tighten my grip around her.

Anne appears in my line of vision now, smiling softly. I release my grip on Gemma and she does the same, Anne taking her place.

“You’ll get through this, darling.” She whispers softly as she rubs her hand up and down my back. Her words bring tears to my eyes. I’ve tried to not let myself be sad about this. I’ve only felt anger, but hugging Anne has opened the floodgates. “You’re strong.”

“I need to freshen up.” I clear my throat, Anne pulls back and smiles.

No one says a word as I excuse myself to the closest guest bathroom. I wash my face with cold water and take a few deep breaths trying to prepare myself somewhat for what I have to go out there and face. I open the door and notice Harry leaning against the wall across from the door.

“Hi.” He picks his head up, no longer staring at the ground.”

“Hi.” I say back.

“Y/n I am so sorry. I had no clue any of this would happen. If I had known-”

“Why did you keep the pictures Harry?” I ask, I want answers not apologies. He’s still Harry and I know he’s feeling so much guilt right now.

“I don’t really know.” He shrugs, “I wasn’t being pervy with them, wasn’t keeping them for any indecent reason. They were just another memory that I didn’t want to lose. I didn’t delete any of the pictures.”

I can’t think of a response which is fine because Jeff calls for both of us to join them. We sit down at the table along with a few unfamiliar faces. As soon as we do they dive into the details, talking about how somehow Harry’s iCloud was hacked and that meant they had access to all photos.

“Well why are my pictures the only ones out there? It’s his phone that got hacked!” I yell.

“We don’t know.” Jordan answers, “We don’t know what else they got either. If they have more that they’re waiting to sell.”

“Fuck’s sake.” Harry mutters, rubbing over his eyes.

“Well Harry, got anything else I should worry about? Or any other girls you should warn?” I turn to look at him, a flash of red creeps up his neck and hangs around on his cheeks. It was a low blow, but it slips out before I can stop it.

“There’s no one else.” Harry answers, “And for other pictures I don’t know to be completely honest.

“Well, it might help for us to get an idea of what else could be out there. We should try and get an idea of what else the two of you have.” Jeff's words make me look to Anne, now it’s my turn to blush but she isn’t phased by any of it so far.

“Well it could be worse.” A man from Harry’s team states as he shuts his lap top, leaning in to join the conversation.

“How so?” Gemma prompts crossing her arms over her chest.

“Any publicity is good-”

“Don’t you fucking dare finish that sentence.” I cut off the man before he can continue. “You can’t talk. You can’t say any publicity is good publicity. Not until your body is trending on Twitter. Not until everyone with social media has seen your body, talked about it, and used it. Not until you have to call your parents and tell them you’re sorry and to stay away from phones for a while. Not until your body is no longer your body.”

The chair loudly scrapes against the floor as I stand up. I can’t sit here at the table and listen to them talk about it like it’s not as huge as it is. Because to them this is work, to me it’s my real life. I make my way towards the back porch. It’s always been one of my favorite spots. It’s got the best view of the garden.

I trust Jordan for decisions on this. She knows me well enough after all of these years together. They’ll run anything else past me, but I don’t need to be in there while they attempt damage control.

I sit down on the outdoor couch and pull my legs up to my chest. It’s peaceful for a few minutes and I just let myself bask in it. I could probably fall asleep if I tried, jet lag and all. It’s soft, but still loud enough for me to hear the door open. I turn to see Harry just standing there, trying not to invade my bubble while still giving me my space.

“C’mon.” I nod to the spot beside me. There’s no point in being mad anymore. What’s done is done. I will always love Harry more than the drama.

He shuffles over and takes a seat. A slow fog rolls in as it slowly gets darker.

“Do you ever miss it?” His voice quiet and steady. I don’t have to ask to know he’s talking about our relationship.

“Harry, we dated for three years, of course I’m going to miss that. Now what’s got you all sentimental? See those pictures and remember how good of a lay I am?” I tease bumping his shoulder with mine, with a smirk. He lets out an airy laugh, easing the tension.

“No, even before these past few days.” He finally looks over at me, tearing his eyes away from the yard, “I always miss you.”

“Harry.” I sigh. “We both agreed. We were both touring, we never even saw each other. And when we weren’t we were stuck in the studio. Different studios I might add.”

“Isn’t rarely seeing each other better than never?”

His question hangs in the air, both of us leaving it unanswered.

“I don’t know, Harry.” I answer after several minutes. The sun dips below the horizon, and my head dips down to his shoulder. “I don’t know.”

I don’t know how long we sit like that. The sun is gone now, and the breeze actually feels cold, but Harry’s arm is heavy and warm around my shoulder.

The door suddenly opens causing both of our heads to perk up. It’s Gemma with the smallest smile on her face.

“They’re asking for you guys in there.”

“Ready, love?” Harry stands, holding out a hand to pull me up with him.

“Well it’s now or never.”

part two? let me know what you guys think

[zpetra]

ROI in Malaga 2018 Journal

To be able to tell the whole story of how I actually got to go to ROI, we have to go back a little to May. I was sitting home due to a public holiday and somehow a promo popped up on Instagram about ROI and I just checked out the dates / information. For the end of the year I had some holidays planned at least in days. No exact details yet as in October I wanted to see a concert (didn’t get tickets but went for a small Spain trip - Barcelona, Seville, Madrid) and the fact about GP assignments was still in the air. 

For some reason I just checked the dates and settled on the 17th of November in Malaga. I had one of those “fuck it” moments and bought my ticket. Got a flight for a good price, hotel stay for a night close to the stadium was also quickly found. So in a mere few hours of planning, it was settled.

I would see Javier Fernandez in Malaga. I was excited and so happy about it.

Fast-forward a little bit to GP assignments as I have to mention it. When it was known Yuzuru Hanyu would be going to Helsinki and Moscow I was in a slight dilemma as ROI was the same weekend as that. Unfortunately any other date or location was impossible for me regarding ROI, as I had other plans. I aimed for Helsinki (which we know happened and my journal about it can be found 1 - 2 - 3 here). In the end I am also happy that I wasn’t in Russia... it was hard enough already. I stayed with my plan and bookings for Malaga and I have no regrets in that case.

Saturday - 17th of November

Saturday morning I set off to the airport bright (cold) and early as public transportation sucks for me at the moment and I have to take quite some detours. Anyhow I arrived, got myself some hot chocolate with coffee...only to hear the news falling in. While I am not happy to mention Yuzuru in this Journal, it was part of my weekend and it influenced my overall mood as well. So please forgive me for doing the bad thing and speaking about Javi but for this particular case for me they were intertwined with each other.

Start my day with a delayed flight while my arrival time was already conflicting with the free skate and given the info before my flight about Yuzu fall my anxiety was peaking. Lufthansa sucks with arriving on time especially in Spain it seems and we barely landed and I got out of the plane when it was Yuzus turn. I didn’t even had the time to process I am in Malaga and going to see Javi in a few hours. I watched in the middle of the airport, not even making it to my friend on time who was waiting for me near the exit. It was probably the worst 4 minutes of my life... I do not want to go into detail but it was hard. Once the scores were calculated I hurried to my friend so we can watch the rest together and wait for the final results. Happiness flooded me that Yuzuru won regardless of a not so perfect skate but impressive for a completely changed layout and obvious struggle... little did we know.

We found our bus to the city and we joked about the whole thing, giddy and happy. Nearly missing our bus-stop to the hotel XD but someone wanted to get off at the same station and my fried spotted the hotel, so we managed to do some involuntarily sightseeing. We got to our hotel, checked in and said to meet after a quick shower... I barely got out when the information flooded my Twitter. Yuzuru Hanyu is injured, he skated on painkillers. All my happiness was gone and it was difficult for me because in about 5 hours I was meant to participate in one of the most amazing shows of my life but I felt gloomy.

Cue us going to Burger King and stuffing ourselves with junk food, unable to talk about anything else. I felt so guilty, still do because none of our moods were really in for Revolution on Ice and that was wrong. So damn wrong. Javi deserved better from us, not us thinking of Yuzu or me going on a rant about this but it is the truth. I have failed him in that sense. I am sorry.

Somehow we fixed ourselves enough to leave and after some confusion at the venue we found our seats, or knew were to go. Spent some time together until it was best to take our seats. My friend and I, we didn’t sit together so yeah. I had a second row seat on the long side. 

I WAS SO CLOSE!

Revolution on Ice - the show

There was a bit of a delay with the start due to people not getting to their places on time and waiting, which I found really nice of the organization to do as others would just start and not care. One issue I had was that literally everything was said in Spanish and “No abla espanol” here, or very little...so I was struggling. XD

I will get this out there right from the start... I found it a bit weird that during any kind of group number, Plush was never part of it, he had his two individual performances and joined the finale once the performance itself was finished, only fooling around on the ice happened. Additionally I had a feeling that at the end he kind of took the spotlight from Javier, maybe because the audience knew him better but in that sense I felt a lack of appreciation for Javier, both from the audience and maybe a bit of Plush, lingering center ice while Javier already retreated. Maybe it was also because Javier himself left the others have their moment of shine, I will never know but somewhat I felt Plush was hyped more and I didn’t like that considering it was Javiers show. The overall impression left me a bit negative in that sense.

Anyway back to the beginning... I had my seat in the second row, quite in the middle of the long side, opposite to the where the DJ was. The seat was incredible and luckily someone short sat in front of me and I could actually see XD. YAY.

There was a really nice opening with most cast to start with the show, I really like it as everyone had their individual moment to shine as well as skate in choreo together. I truly appreciated too that generally most of the songs were Spanish, barely anything else, I think overall 4 songs were in English? And some jamming music at the end but rest was Spanish. We also had the live performance of Eva Ruiz ( 2 songs, one with the synchronous group and one with Yuka Sato ), we had also Diana Navarro who had two songs as well, one was with the Annette Dyrty/Jannick Bonheur the other with Anna Cappelini/Luca Lanotte. Diana sings amazing, I swear to god it sounded like playback music and it wasn’t. During Anna/Luca performance I didn’t even realize she was on the small stage on my left because it sounded like playback music. She is good. I really enjoyed it. And the performances matched the music as well. Anna is gorgeous, I saw her so close and she is beautiful. I think I will just make comments for everyone I saw otherwise I get confused and I am not that good at recalling what happened after each other LOL.

Evgeni Plushenko: He had two performances, one song I didn’t recognize actually, I was also happy not to see Nijinsky due to what happened a few hours before and I probably wouldn’t have been able to watch it and Sex Bomb... God, was it awkward for me. He literally did push-ups in that muscle suit in front of my eyes, I have it on video and god, I was red as a tomato, unsure if I should watch or not, be embarrassed or whatever. I think I had some mix of it with hysterical laughter. Still it was nice XD

Elladj Balde: He is incredible. The way he hyped up everyone and he had a performance with the DJ, kind of a sound battle, it was really good and his back-flip is to die for. I may have, managed to catch one of them on camera and wow. He also had kind of a flamenco?ish duet with Jeffrey and was part of all group numbers. I really really enjoyed his performances and he is damn handsome too XD Elladj is a true entertainer and I can really see why the Japanese shows tend to have him, he puts the place on fire with his performance and aura.

Jeffrey Buttle: He had one serious performance where I was a bit irritated by his facial expressions but otherwise he is incredible, his spins are to die for and a back-counter 3A may have slayed me too. As I said he had a duet kind of thing with Elladj before Javi joined them to take over with his bullfighter program, nice crossover tbh, they kind of teased and mock fought each other. Loved it. I certainly could see bits and peaces he had shown Yuzu in the programs he choreographed and it was somewhat bittersweet but incredibly lovely. Jeff looks also really good and that (peach) is to die for XD. I am sorry but I can’t help it when they literally skate in front of me with their backside, he also wore rather tight suit pants during one performance.

Anna Cappelini/Luca Lanotte: They had I believe one Spanish song with Diana Navarro, don’t know the title but it was really emotional and while I did not understand the lyrics I could still see what they tried to convey with the way they skated. Definitely enjoyed their lifts. They also did a Chaplin program with the girl group, later got joined by Javi who took over the ice to perform himself with the group, the way they incorporated the flow over to a different program was great. There was barely any awkward pause. As I said Anna is gorgeous, all of them were and damn, I couldn’t stop staring, especially what make up she used... anyone? Insider? Please? I need that ice-shadow she had one while they did the black for guys, red for girls group choreo. XD Overall, these two are incredible. 

Annette Dyrty/Jannick Bonheur: Okay, these two? If you all remember at FAOI how one pair skater swung around their partner and Yuzu said “Yabai” THAT WAS MY OVERALL MOOD. They did the scariest but most incredible things I didn’t know existed ( or were allowed, I guess with show skating it is ), they fired up the crowd! I swear they got one of the loudest cheers out there that night and for reasons. I was so impressed by them, really. Overall - wow factor.

Celia Benayas/Marco Covela: The acrobatic duo was great too, they performed to Never Enough from the Greatest Showman and it gave me Pyeongchang feels and oh god... I was close to cry. They were really good! Good addition, different than they had nothing to do with the skating.

Yuka Sato: HOW DO I NOT KNOW OF HER? SHE IS SO PRETTY AND GRACEFUL! She didn’t have many jumps in her performances but had some beautiful spins and spirals and I really enjoyed it, she was also as everyone else basically in the cast ridiculously pretty. She could rival with her beauty about anyone under 30 and she is 45!!! Can I have her genes? She performed to two Spanish songs, one with Eva Ruiz and also was part of all group numbers.

And we arrived to the main of the whole show for me - Javier Fernandez

For each of his greetings / announcing him in the beginning and taking over the ice he slid from the back in the front, silently without disturbing the attention from those currently bowing or still performing, unless it was meant to him doing so. He joined Anna/Luca on the ice to perform a Chaplin program, which was really entertaining and got lifted at the end by the girl group - as we have seen pictures of it XD Truly performances where he can play a character suit him a lot.

During Chaplin he was going all out on the dorky and I loved it, one time he laid on the ice and the girls skated above him, then he rolled on his side like he was showing off, even the way he got up was comical. So fun!

Next he did the bullfighter which was really funny too, he did one part right in front of me and his expressions are to die for. Of course it is also one of his more funnier ones in my opinion and the costume is gorgeous, the amount of detail is crazy.

I am not sure during which number anymore but he actually messed a 3S, A SALCHOW!! JAVI!!! I know you gave your 4S to Yuzu as a parting gift but OMG. And it happened on my side of the ice too like a bit further to the right, still in full view XD I have felt that Javi gave room for others to get some spotlight as well, which is so typical Javi in my eyes, still he could have basked in the attention a bit more, he deserved it and I am happy the crowd was so interactive too and gave it to him!

Now onto the one performance I truly, truly wanted to see and actually was the reason why I bought a ticket to ROI

Prometo

I am actually listening to the song as I am writing this...and I will start with a bit backstory here. As we all, I myself have seen a fancam of Prometo during the Shows he did in Canada and I instantly fell in love. I had to search for the song and ended up buying the whole album of Pablo Alboran listening to all the songs for weeks... the impact it had on me was I can’t describe it with words. Sometimes you are just so drawn to something at the first tunes, you will always remember it. I remember where I sat and how I found out about Prometo, the amount of hours I have listened to it on repeat, searched for the lyrics, backstory... everything I could get my hands on. It is a true masterpiece and not just the song itself but the program too.

There are actually 3 different versions of the song and he is using the Amazon Music, live version which is much slower than even the piano version. As for the versions I prefer the original or piano version, on the other hand I understand why he used the third version. It just fits so much more.

I have seen people calling it bland because Javier is not wearing any flashy costume but just simple pants and a sweater but if you look at the lyrics it does make sense and I think he sells it. The beige fits the melancholy it should show and how he does some movements to fit the text, like “dancing in the salon” and he kind of does a tango. I appreciate the lack of big jumps, beautiful spins instead and just single ones or more like leaping through the air, the knee slides and that one gorgeous Ina Bauer (he did that right in front of me and I was dead). It drew some tears from me, both for how the song generally gets me emotional but also due the whole afternoon already. This year literally two performances made me cry and this was one of them. I am so happy I could record it to keep with me forever.

I posted it on my Instagram in pieces, if you want to watch - HERE. I have also a Story Highlight for ROI only.

I found the audience in this particular instance annoying as some people kept screaming “Vamos” in between, I am sorry but Prometo is not something where it fits and I felt it disturbed the magic it was casting on everyone. Oh well, I concentrated on Javi instead, singling along a little bit.

I think by now after this long paragraph you can tell I am in love with Prometo and I am so thankful for being granted the privilege to watch it. It’s a beauty.

After that basically the finale was on and we had a happy Javi shimmy around the ice the music in the Prometo outfit. It was so nice to see him this happy, dancing around, giving people more time to shine as they introduced everyone again. Javier looked so happy and I was too. 

ROI is an incredible show and if you have the possibility just go, you are not going to regret it. I know the cast is different from some locations but I was so happy to have seen these performances. And the fact he nearly sold out a 11K stadium in Spain is so amazing too! Javier deserves this, truly.

I have no pictures or videos in this post as I have mostly taken videos and I have them in the insta stories or not yet really posted it. Some are quite short. I think I have only really filmed Javis programs in full and the opening. Oh and the acrobats. The rest just bits and pieces for memory.

After the show - 18th November - Sunday

Feeling so much better about my day thanks to Javi and the cast we returned late to our hotel. I chatted with my best friend for a bit before settling for bed. I slept really bad, waking up every hour and being confused about where I am, the time and it was a long night. I promised my friend to leave with her to the airport tho her plane left a few hours before mine but really I had nothing better to do and it was raining cats and dogs. Sightseeing got cancelled. At the airport the gloomy mood returned though I tried my best to be more positive, waiting for the medal ceremony which I could watch before my own flight went off. My friend left and I stayed alone at the airport. Did some shopping to lift my mood but otherwise sat at the Starbucks.

The moment the medal ceremony started I probably had the lowest moment of my entire weekend. I was sporting a headache due to the weather being horrible, my irritation level was high, been fighting the emotional situation... The moment I saw Yuzu with crutches I cried. I cried in a public coffee at an airport after one of the best evenings of my entire year (along with Helsinki weekend).  I just... it was hard and still is, will be for a while and yet again I felt bad because Javi should have been my priority for this weekend. I am sorry... again and again.

Once I fixed myself emotionally, I had to go to the gate. Cue Lufthansa being their usual self... delay with the flight, roller-coaster ride included in the price and when we landed and finally could get off the plane. I was more irritated than ever, my whole head was throbbing. Had to wait 20 minutes for a fucking train to take me to the city but yet again due to blocked routes, follow it up with a solid 20 minute walk in the cold ass weather. I barely get home and am in front of my building a guy starts to hit on me after I helped him with the same issue I had - public transportation. God, I was so not having it but trying to stay polite. When I rejected him he tried to pull the “is it because I am black” card and I was like... OMG REALLY? You wanna pull that shit just because someone you just met and is literally standing at the door of her building refuses to give you her number or expect yours? You are a fucking stranger I just met and I am sorry but hell no. Somehow I managed to actually get into my apartment and I was done. I was done with the whole day and the weekend and just nope.

While I did have one of the best weekends of my entire life it was also one of the worst ones. Even now I am conflicted how I feel. One moment I am happy the next I am sad and I really don’t know. Regardless of it all there is one thing I will say:

Javier Fernandez, thank you for organizing ROI and thank you for giving us the privilege to enjoy your skating, putting on a show that left me shaking and crying (literally... Prometo was emotional for me). Thank you, truly. The whole show and cast, including you were incredible. Gracias. See you next at Europeans! ♥

[iokoye]

(1/4) I was ashamed when my first reaction to learning Jmo was leaving was relief. Not because I wanted her gone but relief that she would move on and therefore I would be free from this fandom. It's been so miserable and isolating for me as a SQ shipper to love Jmo & Emma. Finding a blog that is kind to the actress and character has not been common and even then, those blogs still show an obvious preference for Lana & Regina.

more under the cut cause it’s quite long

2/4) I love Lana & Regina, I adore them. But my initial draw to the show and relationship (and subsequently Tumblr) was Jennifer Morrison and the strong, beautiful character she played. I feel in love with her and then I fell in love with the relationship I saw forming. And while I initially found peace and hope in this fandom and a sense of self awareness in terms of my self and my sexuality, it has become a draining, wretched place. 

(¾) Do you know how much it hurts to feel isolated from your own fandom? To feel like an outcast for loving someone? To feel mocked and belittled and put down for finding inspiration in a character and an actress? How hard it is for the most popular bloggers to be the most vocally against them? And while there are bloggers like yourself who occasionally speak out against such behavior, you seem to be silent when it matters most.

(4/4) And the people who claim to be against such behavior, still follow and interact and even maintain friendships with the most hateful users. And just when I thought I was free to enjoy my ship from a distance, when I thought ‘surely they must be done. Jmo is gone and there’s nothing left to discuss.’ I find I can’t even safely return to what I love because people are as hateful as ever. I’m sorry I unloaded all of this on you but it’s something I’ve held in for a while and it’s been killing.

okay so.. i’m gonna try to reply to this in the most unbiased and non hateful way possible. 

i can relate to most things you say. before i joined the ouat fandom i was already in love with regina (not knowing that she was an asshole asjfasf) because i had seen gifs of her BUT right when i saw jen’s character i fell in love with her. i related to her character on a spiritual level and to this day it really bothers me whenever people hate on her (and still ship sq). i appreciate emma’s development, i.e. not being as closed off as she was on s1, s2 and EVEN s3, i feel like it’s beautiful and like i said because i see myself in her it’s inspiring to see someone grow this much. i’m proud of her and i love her.i can even admit that i was a jen stan like a year ago lmao, she seemed like a sweetheart and i just loved her, plus it helped that she played one of my favorite characters on ouat. 

i never really… acknowledged that i had this “ignorance is bliss” mentality but i slowly realized (and by myself) that jen wasn’t like emma at all and some stuff came up that i dind’t really like. actors are different from their characters and most people that love emma on the sq fandom separate jen from emma so that they can still enjoy the character. i’m being 100% serious when i say that i love regina and emma equally, they are part of a ship that helped me grow and get educated; finding my sexuality and my community but jennifer has never done that for me. lana? maybe. she voices her support for people like me ANY chance she gets (like she said, actors have a platform that they can use to speak up and “to help people that can’t necessarily be themselves”. this was her response to a question that was actually about me not being out to my family or anyone in real life) and i’ll admit that if it wasn’t for her i would’ve left the ouat fandom a LOOOOONG time ago, maybe how i feel about lana is how you feel about jen and i’m in no way invalidating that.

i know that the ouat fandom is gross and it’s honestly bad for your health and stuff like that. i was in a really bad place a year ago, i had zero self respect and on that year i realized that sq was never going to happen and it broke me. i started watching this show at the end of 2013 and started shipping sq on like… the show hiatus of 2014 and i never lost hope for sq. NEVER. but this fandom can bring you down all the time lmao like.. it is TRULY the WORST fandom that i’ve ever been in. the loudest voices that are considered the mouth piece for each fandom are horrible; most anti shippers on twitter are horrible and even some fans can act like misogynistic/homophobic goobs most of the time; racism - people acting like they’re racist so they can be edgy; people that ship real life people together asfjafs - i realize that it CAN be extremely draining which is why i stepped away from the fandom in the first place.

ok so… now this is the hardest topic and i’m not sure if you’re going to like what i’m going to say but know that this isn’t a personal attack on you. this is MY opinion and i’m going to describe what i’ve seen people say on social media (i am in no way speaking FOR anyone else). you genuinely seem like a good person and i’m honored that you came to me with this “rant”. i’m glad you let it out and if you need to talk some more know that i’m here. some shippers that i’ve encountered don’t like jen for specific reasons (i.e. not being vocal about her support of the lgbt+ community and other minorities for example) and no it’s not about whether or not she is up sqs ass, that doesn’t matter at least not for the issue at hand. in my opinion, some of the stuff she has done is morally unacceptable and again i’m not talking about ships (i’m not going to get into it cause i don’t want to cause drama but i have my own reasons to not like jen). i’m not going to share someone elses story because it’s not my place but if you set “ignorance is bliss” aside and try to learn why people don’t identify with jen as much then you’ll understand. i don’t know why you would be mocked for liking jen unless you defend her blindly 24/7. i have friends that are jen stans that say “hey, i understand. you’re right and your feelings are valid” and they don’t even ship sq lmao. so there’s a difference between knowing that said actor is not really a pure innocent angel and choosing to not hear other peoples opinions just because you love jen and only what you think of her matters. also, this isn’t a callout for any mutual of mine, in fact i can’t even think of anyone that i follow that does this. 

the times that i speak up against jen hate are when people target her for her looks and how “dead” her character is on the later seasons (not to mention how i cannot stand emma hate. i’m not an emma apologist but shipping sq and hating emma is shocking to me lmao). if you have anything to say about her then do so with actual arguments instead of saying how ugly she is and being vocal about it 24/7 using derogatory names for women, such as bitch and cunt. i don’t know what you mean by “you seem to be silent when it matters most” so if you could clarify i’d really appreciate it!i realize that it’s somewhat hard to acknowledge that your idol isn’t that great (unless it’s someone like depp in that case fuck you), i know that you’re lgbt+ so i’m not going to police your feelings towards her cause that’s nasty, i would never do such a thing but literally no celebrity is perfect. they make mistakes, some more than others and sometimes they’re not as vocal about social issues as they should be, which is weird to many people. everyone has their own reasons to like and to not like jen but at the end of the day what matters is what you think of her and if you don’t say that people should feel the same way, remember that not everyone sees her the way you do! some even have bad real life encounters and experiences with her and while i realize some of the hate she gets is just extra and pathetic, some of it makes sense and it’s perfectly understandable for people to be disappointed in the way she behaves.

if you think any type of hate is going to stop just because jennifer left you’re wrong lmao this fandom is always going to find something to fight over!! there’s ALWAYS drama 24/7 nonstop. i don’t want to tell you to stop loving jen. i never did something like that and i’m definitely not going to start now. hate her or love her it doesn’t matter. if you find solace in who she is as a person (and her character) then that’s fine, just remember that some people dislike her for valid reasons and it’s not just fandom drama.hit me up on and off anon if you need to talk some more! i’m sorry that you feel this way and i wish that i could do something about it but there really isn’t :/ have a good day

[snapshotsofateenagersigh]

LXVIII.

As this is an account of the life of a teenager, I suppose I should delve into all aspects of that life. Including aspects that, to outsiders and adults, may as well seem frivolous and perhaps childish; a game of cat and mouse, the pursuit and denial of people and attraction. This is a story of my encounter with a particular boy, an encounter that lasted entirely too long and ended quite unceremoniously. 

A year and a half ago, at the end of Year 11, I had to complete my GCSE art coursework. In order to do that, I had to paint portraits of people that I had personally photographed (isn’t that a bit of a tongue twister to say?). And I am someone who would rather paint the beautiful than the ugly - rather avoid problems than deal with them - regardless, I enlisted a boy called Sam to be one of my models. Sam was obviously, quite attractive - he got voted the hearth-throb of the year and let that get to his head - and I became somewhat interested in him. However, it became obvious to me that that interest was not reciprocated at all, so I stopped putting in any effort and we stopped talking. 

When I came back after half a term at my new school, my appearance had slightly altered. Whereas before, the clothing I wore was frumpy and I put in no effort whatsoever into my appearance (preferring to wake up as late as possible instead of wasting time on things like makeup and hair) I now wore skirts and dresses of my preference given the freedom of the Sixth Form uniform and took care with my makeup and hair. 

The effect of my altered appearance was visibly noticeable; I got more stares; people would open the door for me or let me pass first; and in general, the treatment was nicer. Whether this should be the case, I don’t know - I myself also have a predisposition to nicer things so I can largely understand this behaviour. 

Another person that had noticed this change, I think, was Sam; he started acting weird and messaged me about something inconsequential a couple of times (that he could’ve asked one of his actual friends) or would stare at me in LAMDA (he was part of the theatre clique that I tried and failed to enter). As Prefect elections were coming up and he was one, I decided to take advantage of the opportunity and messaged him for advice. 

Right off the bat, he started to be flirty. At the time I had a boyfriend so I found this behaviour amusing and didn’t reciprocate it, but from there we started to message each other more frequently. As things with my boyfriend started to deteriorate due to the distance (and overall, both of us changing) I became more and more aware of Sam and clued into what he wanted from me. 

But I was fine with being wanted sexually. I didn’t really want a one-off thing, but it didn’t need to be “romantic” (the word now makes me cringe). As social was coming up and he kept on making hints I decided to talk to him about it and to establish boundaries. 

I think this freaked him out. A lot. Because even though I said that it didn’t have to be exclusive in any way, he started acting really weird afterward - as in we stopped talking for the two days before social. During these “establishing of boundaries” I made it clear that too much alcohol and drugs were real no-go’s for me - and to make sure that he didn’t have too much to drink if he wanted to do anything with me. 

I didn’t think much of not talking to him for those two days - after all I’m not someone who’s clingy - but I really should’ve done. Because come social, when I approached him and made my move he told me - and I’m not kidding - “I’ve had too much to drink, I don’t want to test your limits”. He was perfectly sober and he’d only had two beers! 

I was furious and felt really rejected and confused, as Sam had originally flirted and pursued things with me - not the other way around! I had given up on Sam last year! That was a closed chapter of my life until he reopened it! So, in such a state I was susceptible - susceptible enough that I allowed Karam (the rugby captain and resident “Lad” and douche) to make a move on me and subsequently make out with me that night, in front of everyone. 

When I ranted about rejection on twitter, Sam messaged me saying that if he had known I was 100% okay and consenting (which I was considering, duh, I was the one who approached him!) he would’ve definitely made a move and that he regretted it. I told him that we could rectify the situation the next day, and he was originally fine with the idea. However, come later the next day he said he had to finish his art coursework - and due to miscommunication we missed each other once more. Fuming, I decided that I’d had enough and I didn’t bother to message him. 

However, he ended up messaging me two weeks later! In which he explained that he was now exclusive with another girl (Geneva, the resident hottie of the year, known largely for her large and voluptuous behind). I gave him an out. I suggested that we should stop talking considering... you know, and he said there was absolutely no need for that considering what good friends we were (right). Sceptical, but willing to give it a chance, I accepted this explanation and we kept on talking... and talking... and talking. After a length of time passed, it no longer felt completely platonic; in fact, I sometimes felt like he was flirting (but how could that be possible considering he was “exclusive” - but not in a relationship (his words) - with Geneva?). 

He’d react in a jealous manner when I brought up other guys (which, there were. I am not unattractive myself). I asked him once why he cared, and he switched the medium to Snapchat where messages delete and he said something along the lines of “well, if I wasn’t with Geneva...” which is left to my imagination to interpret. I asked him to come to Political Forum, and he came, and even ended up dragging Geneva the last time. None of his gang contributed, but they were there, all weirdly silent and following Sam for reasons only known to me and my friends. I found the situation entirely hilarious. 

It all escalated when everyone who went to see the Junior Play went out to the pub for drinks together afterward. As he and I were in the same space, and he ended up sitting next to me and being entirely - overly - close; he messaged me afterwards saying that, again, if he wasn’t with Geneva, he would’ve gotten with me. I said that it wasn’t a one sided thing - I also would not do anything with him sexually given his current relationship status. 

They broke up the next day. I found out later that the argument had been over me. Geneva blocked me on Snapchat and unfriended me on Facebook. 

After that, sexy cyber-time ensued between Sam and I. But then I had to go to Greece, and the whole topic was avoided - and when I came back, he still avoided the whole subject. I was entirely exasperated and tried asking him about it - in which he asked me what I was talking about and - “well, what do YOU want?”. Instead of further frustrating myself, I gave up. We still spoke occasionally, but not as much. 

After exams, we attempted meeting up again, but it was much too late and he was going to Tenerife and I was going to visit my father in the US. We didn’t speak for most of the summer holidays, until he messaged me in mid-August, whereby we reconnected and had a couple of long conversations. 

When I came back, we finally met up. He came over when my mum was out, and we ended up finally (finally!) getting off. It was a catharsis unlike no other - it felt like I was floating, I had finally ticked the box that I never thought was going to be ticked!

But then, two days later was my birthday and he forgot to message me.

So I blocked him. On Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. I forgot to block him on Skype but he never logs onto there anyway so it’s not important. 

He came into school the next day unaware of what I had done and waved at me. That was stressful, but I didn’t wave back and I ignored him completely; he must’ve found that weird so that’s when he probably found out about The Blocking. 

But that’s fine. 

A month later, he’s still blocked. I haven’t spoken to him (obviously) and I’m not planning to.

It’s amusing to think about him: the whole entirely too long saga that could’ve ended in April had he not been such a coward. But that’s fine. It’s an elaborate story that I can tell at a party and have everyone shake their head at me. 

I don’t know how he managed it, but he made it so that somehow, after hours and hours of talking, I still felt no emotional connection whatsoever. Bravo to him; and bravo to me, really, because I would bet a million pounds that I’m not the first girl he’s tried messing about.

[viewwrangler]

An epic mess, or, today’s developments in Russiagate and adjacent properties

And by “epic”, I mean that probably someday, a blind poet will write down everything that’s happened and entitle it “The downfall of practically everybody: the president, the government, the country at large, really just everyone.” In which rosy-fingered Dawn and Libertas weep copious tears at the sights before them.

In today’s developments so far (really. Just today. IT’S ONLY NOON, PEOPLE!):

Trump appears to confirm obstruction investigation, attack Rosenstein in morning tweet rant (washingtonpost.com)

President Trump fired off tweets Friday morning attacking the special counsel's investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 election, and apparently, Deputy Attorney General Rod J. Rosenstein.

“I am being investigated for firing the FBI Director by the man who told me to fire the FBI Director! Witch Hunt,” the president said on Twitter.

The somewhat vague tweet seems to refer to Rosenstein, who wrote a memo outlining an argument against then-FBI director James B. Comey. The White House initially claimed that Rosenstein's memo contributed to Trump's decision to fire Comey. But later, Trump said in an interview that he would have fired Comey “regardless” of Rosenstein's recommendation....

Frankly, if I were The Candidate’s lawyers, I would flatly refuse to represent him further unless someone took his Twitters away from him. I would also do the same if I were a member of his Department of (In)Justice, charged with representing the government against not only legal opposition but also trying to defend his stated policy against his own statements.

Speaking of The Candidate’s lawyers...

Trump's personal lawyer hires attorney: report (thehill.com)

They’re not talking about the lawyers he just hired for his actual legal defense -- the guy who had that nonsensical statement about Comey’s testimonly -- but his old attorney, who came in to help set up the White House legal “war room” that never quite got set up. Nonetheless, there’s pretty much no situation in which having your lawyer hire a lawyer to defend themselves due to your words and actions is a good look, really.

Trump Declares War on Rosenstein: ‘He Has No Qualms About Throwing Him Under a Bus’ (thedailybeast.com)

With one tweet, the president confirmed he’s under investigation and put the man in charge of that investigation on blast.

President Donald Trump woke up on Friday and decided to publicly confirm that he is under criminal investigation—and to put his deputy attorney general in the line of fire.

After 48 hours of Trump’s allies lobbing allegations of illegal “deep state” leaks and fake-news hit jobs, Trump took to Twitter and corroborated a Wednesday report by The Washington Post that he is the target of a federal investigation into potential obstruction of justice after firing FBI Director James Comey. [...] 

“He’s furious at Rosenstein, but the list of his people who enrage him is ever-growing,” a longtime Trump confidant, who recently spoke to the president, told The Daily Beast. “He has no qualms about throwing [Rosenstein] under a bus.”

That single tweet threatens to upend the administration’s legal and public-relations strategies surrounding an FBI probe into alleged Russian election-meddling that has expanded in recent months to include an obstruction investigation and a probe of the finances of Trump aides and associates. A frustrated senior Trump administration official quipped in response to the tweet, “Has anyone read him his Miranda rights?” The implication being that Trump would do well to remain silent on the issue of his own criminal investigation...

I’m by way of thinking that ... no, nobody has read him his rights. After all, who would? (We will set aside, for now, the question of whether or not he’d listen.) The only other legal actions he’s been involved in, up until now, have basically been civil -- lawsuits and the like -- where the Miranda rights don’t apply. The only person who would have read him his rights is Mueller, who would have no reason to do so until he’s about to be formally questioned in connection with everything. Until then, he’s likely very happy for the president to tweet tweet tweet ‘till he just can’t tweet no more boogie. More grist for the mill, more evidence for the case.

And speaking of Rosenstein and Mueller:

Deputy AG says he may have to recuse himself from Russia probe: report (abcnews.com)

OPINION: If Rod Rosenstein recuses himself, Robert Mueller may be next (thehill.com)

As far as Rosenstein goes ... yeah, kind of seeing as that has to be one of the next shoes to drop. It would be one thing if all he were doing was overseeing Mueller’s investigation into Russiagate, but now that it’s expanded into an actual obstruction of justice investigation of The Candidate, he’s intimately involved both as a witness to what was actually said and someone who created the document trail. The conflict of interest is fairly obvious.

As far as Mueller goes ... we’ll see what happens. I understand the reasoning, although I don’t necessarily agree with it. There’s also the small issue that, however brief it would be, The Candidate would see this as exoneration of a type and then would be extra special double crunchy offended when a new special counsel was appointed.

Elsewhere in Congress:

Grassley rankles GOP with new Comey investigation (thehill.com)

Republicans are wary of Sen. Chuck Grassley's (R-Iowa) decision to launch a Senate Judiciary Committee investigation into the firing of former FBI Director James Comey.

Grassley, the panel’s chairman, took the step this week partly at the urging of Democrats, but said that it’s his committee’s job to make sure there’s a firewall protecting the FBI from political influence.

“There should be no improper interference with FBI investigations to favor any elected official or candidate of either party,” Grassley wrote in a Wednesday letter to Sen. Dianne Feinstein (Calif.), the ranking Democrat on the Judiciary Committee.

Grassley’s announcement took his Republican colleagues by surprise, and several said they are uncomfortable with the addition of yet another investigation that could target the Trump administration.

Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah), a senior member of the Judiciary Committee, said Thursday that he did not think it necessary for the Judiciary Committee to investigate Comey’s firing. Still, he said the investigation was Grassley’s choice to make as chairman. “I’m sure it’s being pushed rather hard by Democrats because I don’t know one Republican pushing that,” Hatch said of an investigation into Comey’s firing. “It’s not that they don’t want to have an investigation, they don’t see a need for it.” [...]

Well, that’s ... unexpected. As far as Hatch’s comment ... the Democrats are powerless here. If Grassley didn’t see an institutional need for Yet Another Investigation, it wouldn’t have happened. The Democrats could be as relentlessly annoying as they wanted, and it wouldn’t get them anywhere if Grassley didn’t want to move forward. Why he wants to move forward -- and especially, why he seems to have blindsided his own party leadership in the process -- remains to be seen.

For a possible grace note to the above: Dianne Feinstein is done pulling punches when it comes to Donald Trump (cnn.com). About which one can but say:  we shall see what that means in terms of action. Given what Grassley says about Feinstein in that article, it may well be that she provided the final nudge he needed to begin his committee’s hearings.

And finally: The Candidate says that the news media wants him to stop tweeting, because it means that he can get out what he wants to say without their filter. (cnn.com) Which would be absolutely true, except for how it’s completely wrong in every particular. Frankly, if they weren’t utterly horrified by his character and policies (such as they are), the mainstream media would be absolutely goddamn delighted at all this. They rarely have to parse his words through officialese, designed to make things look good. they don’t have to do all that much interpretation. He just puts it out there, and lets them show how horrible he is, warts and more warts and DEAR GOD SO MANY WARTS. He does a lot of their work for them. It’s no wonder his PR people look set upon and exhausted all the time. He’s not going around the mainstream media; he’s going around his own goddamn staff. And the mainstream media, under other circumstances, would love him for it.