#I had to go through 2 fucking years of choir class to get into this class and I'm so excited cause I love choir and this is my chance

[chaoticfvckingdisaster]

Insane how similarly outside people view different types of infatuation

Someone who used? To be a good friend of mine gets literally everything he wants handed to him while I have had to work for everything. He's still my friend (although he rarely acts like it) and I still want to support him, but I cant help but feel jealous and cheated, and a little concerned for his own ego (cause I've seen what that can do to other ppl)

And it's insane how many people ask me if I like him

[frogmanfae]

Newsies as Things I Heard This Week Part 2

(2 weeks late because I had to figure out how to divide it, a lot of things were said during week 2. 14 pages in my notes app to be exact)

Medda: When I see you shlep your way down- it's a word yeah and you shouldn't be doing it

Medda, teaching an orchestra class: You're using your middle finger which I know we don't always use- and you shouldn't

Race and Romeo: *SIDE EYE*

Davey: Yes, you can take all the blood and puke- that- that is all you, my friend. Go for it I... It is no longer my responsibility I don't want it

Medda, still in the context of a string orchestra class: I notice that some of you aren't always rosining your bows before we play, we should be doing that every time we play. I haven't been holding you accountable lately but I'm going to be a Rosin nazi this year

Davey: Wh- huh?? A what??

Jack: *trying (and failing) to not snort laugh*

Race, a self acclaimed fashion expert: What the hell are you wearing?

Romeo: A T-shirt

Race: But what is on it

Romeo: An axolotl

Race: A fuckin-

Romeo: It says you axolotl questions!

Race: ...

Romeo: Like- like you ask a lot of-

Race: No I get it I'm just trying to remember why I hang out with you

Race: He's like my favorite kid

Race: He wants to be a professional soccer player but he also likes marine biology

Davey: Oh and you also like both of those things

Race: Right exactly

Race, to Albert: Okay so Goldie Locks's parents were kidnapped by the bear mafia and then she broke into that house because she wanted to find her parents but she got sidetracked by food and comfy places to sit and nap because she's a kid

Spot, just walking in: What the fu-

Albert: *laughing hysterically*

Spot: No. No seriously what did I just walk into? What is this? What about Goldie Locks? Bear Mafia?? Huh???

Race: Does anyone wanna go to my locker with me so I can take Advil? I don't wanna go alone :(

Davey: *big sigh* I'll go

Sarah: Why are you walking like you just got ate out so good you can't-

Davey: wh- Do you have experience with that??

Sarah: ...

Sarah: Listen-

Davey: OH MY FUCKING GOD I WAS KIDDING WHAT-

Crutchie: So it's basically icy hot but for horses-

Davey: You should absolutely not be using anything meant for horses

Crutchie: But like it's stronger-

Davey: Which is why you shouldn't use it

Crutchie: But it works better because its stronger

Davey: ... No

Albert: *big wheeze of despair*

Race: ... Girl are you okay?

Albert, not even looking up at being called girl: I just dropped my croutons everywhere!! I'm gonna fucking- where's the nearest window?

Race: buddy we're on the first floor

Albert: FUCK

Davey, who gets chronic migraines: Ugh I'm in pain

Sarah: *holds up the L for Loser on her forehead*

Davey: Ah!

Davey: :0

Davey: You're!

Davey: a lesbian!

Sarah, as if she's never heard this information: :00

Race: I go through that shit like that one senior guy goes through the freshmen before he turns 18

Davey: HELP OH MY GOD STOP WHAT THE-

Race: *shrugs and continues on* It got my point across

Race, who will play sports but not watch them: Do you ever notice how people watch professional sports and after the final call they're like "we won!!!"

Albert, an avid sportsball watcher: Uh yeah?

Race: Like, dude. You sat on the couch and ate Doritos for 2 hours. There is no *we* here.

Oscar: *cleaning sports equipment in the distance*

Elmer, giggling from across the room: What is he-

Buttons, also giggling: He is just- He is stroking those balls like... Like his life depends on it damn-

Elmer: *giggles worse* he just loves stroking tgose- oh shit he spotted us- go!! Go go go go gogogogogogog-

Spot: The only tenor in my choir class is-

Race: Your brother! And your boyfrienddd! And brother...

Albert: ... Same person?

Race, sadly: ... Yeah...

Jack: *the person in question, neither Spot's brother nor his boyfriend*

Spot: Oh my god stop posting on my private story!

Race: It's funny-

Spot: No it's not and I want you dead !!!

Crutchie: Ugh I wanna chop off my body

Jack: like

Jack: the whole thing?

Crutchie: yeah the whole thing. Ill find a way to make it possible

Spot (trans): let me know when you do

Crutchie: *shakes his hand* will do my guy

Race: I wanna go hooommmmeee!

Spot: No one cares

Race: :0 you're so mean!!!

Davey: it's okay Race

Davey: I care

Race: Davey I love you

Davey: There's a cafe named after John Snow, the scientist not the game of thrones guy, and it has a water pump sorta monument outside because he was the one to say that the cholera outbreak was caused by bacteria not air-

Race: Do the food options have punny names?

Jack: Like- like what?

Race: I dunno- cholera flower? (Cauliflower)

Albert: STOPP THAT'S SO GROSS BUT SO FUNNY I'M GONNA THROW UP

Katherine: You're thinking way too futuristic. We didn't have that kind of understanding of the infectious agent during this outbreak, it was in the early 1800s. You have to think like we're in the early 1800s-

Jack: *joking* Then you shouldn't be talking

Katherine: :0

Jack: You shouldn't even be in this class! It's science!

Katherine: :00

Jack: Woman!

Katherine: :000

Race: I am about to mangle your face and your body here

Spot: Thanks for the heads up

Davey: I LOST MY FUCKING WORDLE STREAK ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WHAT THE FUCK

Race: Oh my god calm down it is not that big of a deal-

Davey: IT WAS A 218 DAY STREAK

Race: NEVER MIND THAT'S TRAGIC WHAT THE FUCK

Davey: I KNOW

Romeo: I have 3 study halls this year it's glorious

Specs: You are not going to have enough credits to graduate

Romeo: That's a later me problem

Specs: You're a junior, you don't want to spend your senior cramming credi-

Romeo: Shhhh future problem

Specs: *long blink*

[theresa-of-liechtenstein]

astute followers of the Wild and Wacky Adventures of Em the Jumped-Up Busker will note that i did not have anything unhinged to share yesterday. however this was not due to a lack of Moments. au contraire, there were simply so many Moments that i collapsed directly into bed and knocked out as soon as i returned to my apartment

ACT 1: the practice room

curtain opens. i am taking a break in a practice room about an hour before rehearsal (read: scrolling through tumblr) with the third movement of the bach concerto in a minor on the piano

am just about to give up on practicing and go eat my snack (makeshift charcuterie board comprised of prosciutto and cheese) somewhere on the ground floor when someone raps on the door.

i whip around, hastily burying the evidence (closed tumblr), to find my favorite honors professor/newest section member squinting in at me through the tiny window in the door

i open the door for her and tell her i was just about to leave to have a snack. she then goes ‘you can eat in here. i wanted to see what you were working on’, takes out her violin, and starts playing my solo rep better than i’ll ever play it

‘last time i played this was thirty years ago,’ she says to me, matter of fact

also mentions to me: ‘i saw the assistant principal viola in my class. got startled! they never talk to me…’

me: ‘i’m not really sure you realize that you’re kind of intimidating to people.’

ate honorsprofessor: ‘me? really?’

me: ‘yes! (somehow received some boldness in the moment) you even intimidate me, sometimes’

ate honorsprofessor, shooting me an affectionately exasperated look: ‘em, you would be intimidated by a mouse.’

I MEAN????????? WHAJAHWJWHAKAHAKWIWOAIOW?????????????? READ FOR FILTH???????

tl;dr 1: apparently got harana-d by ate honorsprofessor

ACT 2: rehearsal

tita conductor begins rehearsal by advertising the choirs’ concert the following week (she also directs them on top of the 1937017292820281 other things she’s been doing in the department for god knows how long)

pointedly finishes off with ‘and if any of you are ever interested in singing, let me know; i find that my instrumentalists who also sing bring a lot of knowledge with them, and it can do nothing but good for you here. i treasure my instrumentalist singers with my heart’

[harp noises to signal a flashback to the past][echoing voiceover from f1 journalist asking a question at the 2014 abu dhabi grand prix: ‘gentlemen, a short view back to the past…’]

in the google form for audition sign-ups we were asked to name any previous ensemble experience. not knowing that tita conductor also was in charge of the choirs, i put down my single year of high school choir as an alto 2

my (zoom) audition was. interesting. tita conductor thought i took my slow movement of the handel sonata in d major too slow. i tried to justify my tempo. until i realized i was contradicting an Authority Figure, immediately felt a wave of Asian Shame, shut my mouth, and instantly thought i had fucked my chances of getting a spot

at that point i just remember something clicking inside me, a feeling of serenity like nothing i had ever experienced before, and a voice telling me, ‘you’re not going to get it. just play.’

i was so dead set thinking that i’d screwed up that i was genuinely surprised that she offered me a spot—even more so when she immediately followed it up by beaming at me and saying ‘great! now would you like to sing for me?’

i spluttered at her for what felt like several hours before saying what i thought was ‘sorry, come again?’ but came out as ‘uh huh whuh?’

tita conductor: i have here that you’ve done choir :)

me: umm. i’m not really prepared for that… and i can only fit one ensemble into my schedule

tita conductor: oh. well, okay :(

[harp noises to signal a return to the present]

i very assiduously avoid eye contact.

other tita conductor rehearsal moments:

‘i am a very good human metronome’

[misjudges how much podium she has left and accidentally totters off of it while trying to cue] ‘oops, gone overboard!’

[screws up a few things in rapid succession] ‘ooh, i could have been much better at conducting that, sorry! (adds, sotto voce) it is very important for your conductor to admit when they’re wrong.’

‘Seconds!’ [we play a thing] ‘YES, seconds!’

ACT 3: rehearsal, the aftermath

as everyone clears up, principal viola approaches me to discuss a bowing for the brahms. assistant principal viola (one of my friends in orchestra) is also hanging around to watch

principal viola has discussed bowing with me once before, for the mendelssohn; their ideas are usually sensible and they seem more experienced than me (master’s student)

they propose that at rehearsal tempo (excessively slow) we take two bows in a phrase that usually takes one (i have been doing it on one bow even at the rehearsal tempo. because i slow down my bow.)

they also tell me that i have been cuing in with the first violins on a spot where we, in fact, do not come in with the first violins (i.e. a beat early). the latter of which i immediately write in, embarrassed.

ate honorsprofessor wanders up behind me as i discuss with principal viola, and as we continue to talk, tita conductor comes over, looks at what we’re doing, hurries off to grab her score, and puts herself between me and my stand, effectively putting me in a middle-aged woman sandwich

tita conductor: ‘i see my predecessor—and this is probably thirty years ago—has put bow markings in parentheticals breaking that into two, so i’m not sure…’

me: ‘oh, no that was me. i just wrote that in now.’

tita conductor: ‘oh. well… why?’

she hears out principal viola and says ‘could you not just… bow slower?’ LANWJWKWHWJS HELP???? but also yeah. i would just bow slower. it’s harder to unlearn bowings later on

ate honorsprofessor pipes up: ‘i like putting that whole phrase on an up bow instead of a down, so the next phrase comes lighter’ and demonstrates

i make a note of it (i still have not yet decided anything about that btw.)

principal viola: and also i was just saying that they come in with the firsts when they don’t

tita conductor: [silently points to the note i made in the margins that says ‘NOT with V.1’

me, panicking: ‘oh i wrote that in. just now.’

tita conductor: [turns back to look at me, smiling gently] ‘no, i’m saying it’s very good. it’s good to make a note of that.’

we wrap up our discussion and i begin heading back to my stuff

ate honorsprofessor is still fucking around with the third movement of the bach in a minor and teases as i approach ‘look what you did, em 🙄🙄🙄’

i get the distinct feeling i should play along and protest ‘excuse me!! what did i do!!’

ate honorsprofessor, playing right back: ‘oh you Know what you did!’

me: ‘i absolutely do not! i don’t know anything i’ve done since… october 2!’ (when i got offered the position)

ate honorsprofessor: ‘well, what about what you did january 11, huh?’

me, now genuinely confused: ‘wait, what happened january 11?’

ate honorsprofessor: ‘are you serious? honors 150. first day of class. when i met you.’

atehonorsprofessor then tells assistant principal viola about us playing the bach double together earlier this year

now you may be wondering, where is tita conductor throughout all this?

well, she was very interestedly examining the wall near the door to the early keyboards room, which opens off the rehearsal hall.

so, eavesdropping. as usual.

tl;dr 2: too many things had happened in the space of three hours and i was in no state to go to my last class of the day so i instead fed the assistant principal viola some of my beef stew and skipped class

if you managed to get to the bottom of this you deserve a prize idk.

i served yesterday btw.

[batboys-forever]

RAM: A Glee Love Story

A/N: In this AU, Carole HH works at McKinley High as an English/Arts Teacher. SO yea...

TW: Mentions of self harm, suicide, bullying, homophobia, and all the TW i mentioned.... ;(

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

March 2012:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Redious Hummel, nicknamed Red by his friends and family, was walking through the halls of McKinley High. Other students looked at him weirdly and were whispering quietly as he walked past. Everywhere he went. He couldn't make out what they were saying. "Red! Mr. Schue, Miss Pillsbury and Mrs Hudson-Hummel, need you in Schue's office," Coach Beiste said to the young blond with a worried look on her face.

"Erm, alright coach? Why? Have I done something wrong? Because if it's about the homework assignment you gave us while subbing for the English Class last week, it's almost done, I swear!" Red looked confused. Coach Beiste said nothing as she watched the young blond walk to Will's office. As he entered, he saw Will, Emma, and Carole, but was surprised to see his brother Kurt Hummel and his stepbrother Finn Hudson there as well.

"Take a seat Red," Will motioned to the seat as Red put his bag on the ground and sat down. "So erm what's going? Have I done something? Wait, is dad, okay?!" He looked at his family. "No, your dad is alright, honey...." Carole sighed worriedly as she looked at the teen... "Then what's going on? Am I being kicked out of the Glee Club? My grades are fine?" Will sighed... "Finn... could you give it to him..." Kurt elbowed their brother, Red was really confused. "Give me what? Come on, just tell me? Or.. Show me?" Red was getting a bit annoyed. Finn sighed and handed him a newspaper. "Read the front cover," Emma sighed.

Red held his right hand to his mouth as he began to hyperventilate. "H-h-how!" he threw the paper at the floor as he got out of the chair and ran into the choir room, where the New Directions were already utterly confused after hearing Red shouting and his hyperventilating. "How! How did anyone find out! I only told 2 people, and that was Kurt and Finn..." Then it dawned on Red... He had seen Kurt, Finn, and Rachel talking yesterday, and someone had been listening... "YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT ME SO LOUDLY THAT THE EDITOR OF THE MCKINGLEY TIMES WAS LISTENING!" Kurt, Finn and Rachel looked at each other. "YOU THREE OUTED ME TO THE ENTIRE FUCKING SCHOOL!" He was still hyperventilating. "Red, we're so sor-"'SLAP!'

Was the only sound that echoed through the room.... Red had slapped his brothers. "RED!" Red was crying and still hyperventilating. "I haven't even told dad yet!" Everyone looked at each other, as they tried to comfort the crying teen. "JUST STOP! LEAVE ME ALONE! JUST STOP!" He ran out of the choir room, crying... the others could hear laughing throughout the hallway as they went to see what it is... Red had run down the hallway, upset as other students were laughing and calling him a fag. The New Directions looked on in utter shock... "Well... that's ended badly for us," they looked at Rachel... Alice was pissed that Rachel would say that, and she smacked Rache's head. "Ow! What was that for!" She said, rubbing the back of her head. "How could you be so insensitive about that! My little brother just got outed to the entire school, and all you can think about is how bad this would make the glee club look!" She then looked at her brothers, very angry...

"As for you two - you have hurt him! You both know how much he looks up to you both! And of course, Figgins is going to do nothing about this! Like fuck! You, of all people know what it's like to be bullied for being Gay, Kurt... But think what that could do to a 13-year-old kid like Red... Remember what you did... you used to isolate yourself... you wouldn't talk to me or dad... but think what Red could do... he could self-harm himself... he could decide 'Hey, my life isn't worth living anymore, so I might as well walk in front of a moving lorry... or I'll take some of Dad's heart pills!'  If anything happens to Red, then I will never forgive myself!"

Alice looked like she was about to burst into tears... "Mr. Schue... I think we should pause today's lesson... and find Red..." Mercedes piped up as she ran into Schue's office and picked up the Blonde Hummel's bag. "Right, we'll split into 2 groups, The Hudson-Hummels, Mercedes, Santana, Brittany, and Quinn. Whilst the rest of us look on the other side of the school." Schue had drawn an entire map of the school. The two groups nodded, then Coach Sylvester was also informed, and she too opted to join in the search. The Hudson-Hummel group looked in the cafeteria and the gym, whilst Will’s group looked in every class. “Where could he be?” Alice looked at the group. “It’s not like he's resting by a tree or something, is it?” Santana said in her usual tone. Quinn’s face lit up. “I know where he is!”

Red had been sitting by a large oak tree... he had missed nearly all of his morning lessons. He couldn’t look his brothers or his friends in the eye. He just felt too hurt and betrayed by the ones he trusted most... He thought about quitting the Glee club, dropping out of school, running away... but no matter how firmly those thoughts were embedded in his head... he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t leave his dad, stepmother, brothers and sister...He just couldn’t.

“Am I a disappointment? Did I deserve this?” Red hadn’t realised that Quinn had walked up to the tree. “You’re not a disappointment, honey. Your family loves you. They could never be disappointed in you.” Red looked up with teary eyes as Quinn sat down next to him. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Red looked at her confused. “Then how did you find me?.” Quinn smiled “Let’s just say that Santana gave us a clue, your family is over there.” Red looked over, and he could see his family and friends. “I can’t.. I can’t look Kurt and Finn or even Berry in the face after this whole event... what if dad finds out.. what if he’s disappointed about having another gay kid”. Quinn gently put her arm around him. “Your dad loves you. I'm sure he'll be proud that you're being so brave during a time like this. He may surprise you when you tell him, you know.” Red looked nervously at her, anxious as hell. “You really mean that, Quinny?” Quinn smiled as she hugged him. “You know I do, Reddy. Now come on let’s go”.

“Are they coming?” Santana asked as Mercedes looked. She smiled. “Yep! They’re coming.” Kurt, Alice, Finn and Carole were relieved. “Call Mr. Schue and tell him that we found him”. Santana picked up her phone and dialled Schue’s number as Red and Quinn slowly walked over to them. The young blond looked at his family... what was he too say them??

To be continued

Word Count: 1211

Thank you to @seblaineaddict / @seblaineworld for proofreading this!! You're the best!

[rinkwrites]

Day 3/36 - in preparation for my YL project

ATE

Breakfast - seedy bagel with cream cheese, apple and cinnamon

Lunch - salad with spinach, kale, tomato, mushroom, chicken and apple. then grapes and an oat and honey bar

Snack - redbull and a dark chocolate bar because i was in desperate need of something to get me through the afternoon

Dinner - pasta with tomato sauce, bacon and mushrooms, then fruit salad and a meringue

EXTRA-CURRICULARS

Newspaper club - cancelled because the prof was too busy to run it

Choir competition rehearsal - skipped to (insert gasp of horror here) leave school grounds and risk getting a detention so I could go to the corner shop with my friends and buy redbull and chocolate

Cello lesson - was 15 mins late for because i totally forgot and got caught up in english notes

Library Duty - cancelled because the librarian hasn't sorted out her schedule yet

Piano lesson - cancelled because my teacher had a band rehearsal. shes been my teacher for years, and when we first hired her we set up a weekly bank transfer to pay her, but she was very patchy in her attendance and ended up owing us a lot of money. she has finally (3 years later) paid us off, and my parents want to get rid of her now. i really like her but i dont think shes a very good teacher. but im worried if we sack her now we wont be able to find another teacher in time to get me to the grade I need for UCAS points

WORK

Latin - i am so not a fan of grammar but i paid attention for a decent chunk of the class and translate some sentences vaguely accurately

History - didn't get distracted once. listened to the whole lecture of medieval scottish society and it was really interesting. i also answered some questions well

Double RMPS - meh on the attention, took some notes, planned an essay. the problem is we aren't learning anything new just going over and over and over old stuff again and again and again

English - took some notes, sprinted out 2/3rds of the way through because I realised I was late for my cello lesson

Biology - paid a fair amount of attention, i think i'm slowly grasping the different kinds of RNA

HW - nothing again. I'm just so tired when I come home

EXERCISE

If a twenty minute mad dash through the woods behind my school counts then yeah i exercised today. We're not allowed of school grounds at lunch time, and as i was walking with my friends along the path we saw one of our teachers in the distance. We panicked and fucking legged it. He did see us but luckily he's always had a soft spot for us so he isn't getting us in trouble

TO DO

hang up clothes

take more photos

do some of my homework

read more

look into volunteering for cv?

print off finalised time table

go to law society meeting and say the stuff for the presentation

None of these pictures are mine, they are from Pinterest, credits go to original owners, I will try and use my own pictures when I remember to take them.

[theinconveniencing]

hiii 10 12 19 21 26 31 43 44 47 oh dear i hope im remembering the right ones have fun <3

hiiii thank you🫶

10 - would you slaughter the rich?

without hesitation

12 - what kind of day is it?

you know when days don’t feel real? not in a particularly good or bad way. yeah I’m having one of those.

19 - imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?

yes of course. will they look good? absolutely not but I can paint them yassss green from the sally hansen pride collection

21 - something you’ve kept since childhood?

I’ve kept a fuck ton of things from childhood because I have a um. really hard time getting rid of things. I’ve gotta work through that but I love had the same wooden frog displayed in my room for as long as I can remember. my hello kitty alarm clock too. my mom has every art project I’ve ever done still. I have teddy the teddy bear of course. and my baby blankets I still sleep with. lots more things I can’t remember but trust me there are Lots

26 - a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times?

I’m not really sure what this question is asking so I’m just gonna talk about a recent regret. I literally can’t stop thinking about the estate sale I went to recently and I saw one of those singing fish wall hanging things. okay it didn’t sing but it was a hanging fish on a plaque. and I’ve been wanting a singing one for years and it was only $2 but I didn’t pick it up and I was like “I’ll get it on the way out” but on the way out it was GONE very sad

31 - what type of music keeps you grounded?

there’s really no specific type of music but generally I think it’s just. songs that remind me so much of a specific moment in my life. like hey mickey by baby tate reminds me so much of reading the secret history in the science building and moneytalks reminds me of sophomore year ap european history class and house of memories by panic reminds me of sitting on my bedroom floor and talking with one of my oldest and best friends and fire in the twilight reminds me of driving back from my choir trip. yeah idk

43 - what’s your take on spicy foods?

I mean. I’m white. like very white (is a quarter mexican). and I really don’t like spicy food. I can’t stand much spice to begin with but even little takes away from the food for  me

44 - you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

my roommate I know you’re not supposed to say this but when I blew out my birthday candles I wished she would die

47 - what was the last message you sent?

“$25” to my mom :)

cactus - something you’re currently learning (about)?

I wouldn’t say I’m learning About anything right now I think I’m mostly just learning how to be a person

chia - what’s an inside joke you have with someone else?

my mom sister and I have had a running joke for like. man it’s gotta be ten years at this point. one time we were in a gift shop in some tourist town and there was a sign on a fountain thing that said “do not tough” instead of “do not touch” and now whenever we say tough instead of touch. funny? well, no but it’s been going on for so long we can’t stop it

edelweiss - how’d you think of your url/username? what’s it associated with to you?

jo!!!! when I first watched skam cris was my fav character and she really resonated with me then I watched skam austin and i thought jo was hysterical like she’s one of my fav characters ever. weird teenage girls just act like that

camellia - what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot?

well when I was a really little kid I was stubborn as hell like I quit swim lessons because I didn’t like being told what to do. in mid to late middle school I was a cuuuuunt and not in a fun way. I was just a dick and I loved picking fights with authority figures because I didn’t respect them. and honestly it was deserved they sucked. I had an era in the middle where I was like Very innocent and sweet. and sensitive I have  a lot of memories of crying in public and at school. but all throughout all of that I was such a loser. not in a bad way. I have a whole journal entry about this that I wrote in december but I would say I’ve changed a lot but also not at all. like I look back and I don’t recognize myself but that the same time it’s still Me and I only know how different I am because I know what I’m thinking and the intentions behind what I’m saying and doing and can’t only judge the actions and words itself. it’s complicated. and this isn’t me just making fun of my younger self I love her she is me I am her etc

aloe vera - what’s something (mundane) you really want to experience in life?

[imlosingmyfuckingmindgirl]

past week, dec 24.

actually i should have written this yesternight. but, these fuckers were dancing throughout the night and i was also sucked in, so i decided to dance too, and i got fucking wasted. as soon i hit the bed, i slept. lol. so here i am, writing this on a empty stomach. waiting for these people to shut up so i can eat my food in peace. vroski, i want peace. i want solace here, real solace bruh. i feel like i don't wanna do this anymore by xxxtentacion. current song playing - nova - whitley on loop. hmm, past week was exhausting ngl, i had to submit the engineering graphics on friday, right?. i did not do shit, all week. i had to calculate my time on how i was about to the work without missing my friday classes. then i woke up at 6 am on friday and aced all that stuff under 2 hours. and these fuckers did that shit all night, still they could not complete it. we had tests throughout the week. EE test got me fucked up bad, physics too. I scored a 6/15 on physics, by fucking studying on that day. like damn, i was expecting i'd get a two or three. but okay, i think i got enough. i just get more cold, as time goes over and over. this lyric is so fucking relatable lol. do i write my journals good? i feel like i need to exchange these with someone, more preferably with someone who i feel connected. lemme just go and get my fucking food. to be continued. so here i am, writing after eating my dinner and watching the fourth episode of arcane. damn this arcane so good bruh. anyway, we had tests and a hectic ass scheduled week, but now im glad its over and not so glad because another one is loading after this weekend. plus plus PLUS, we just got to know that we are having our midsems from 31st dec. like what the fuck bruh. we have papers on both the days, 31st and 1st. like fuck me. plus those two papers are the worst. fucking ME111 and PSC. i hate them both. very much. we had been told that midsems will be from 2nd Jan, not 31st Dec. fucking hell. fuck this college, seriously. current song - lil uzi vert - ashanti. song gets me so hyped lol. i dont know why i get so jolly while i reminisce about the old days. no matter how they were, good or bad, mostly bad, i would still want to go back to them. somewhere someone said that people like us see the world through rose-tinted glasses, thinking that everything was fine in the past, even when it was not. i dont even know why that happenss. anyway, i had some great moments too, went to surathkal with 2 of my other friends, ate some food there and then we went to the beach, where they give this nice cola for just 10 rs. so fucking fireeee. plus on today, this christmas eve, for the first time i actually went to a church and saw their celebrations. they were nice, some beautiful ladies singing the choir and the students in robes placing some kind of christmas paper on the chairs. the vibe was really nice. i liked it. i wanted the christmas feeling as some of my friends are enjoying themselves in kolkata. and here i am, in this fucking heat with no feeling that the year is ending. lol. i guess this christmas eve was a good day, and now i am feeling sleepy. i think i will write my journal next friday. lets see what happens then. take care, wherever you are. love you. -alister

[faggvert]

I posted 205 times in 2022

32 posts created (16%)

173 posts reblogged (84%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@aftersun2022

@milkcrisis

@thefoetusallnuderevue

@bastardiando

@lesbianjinbe

I tagged 192 of my posts in 2022

Only 6% of my posts had no tags

#pics - 94 posts

#phorustalk - 36 posts

#art - 31 posts

#tv tag - 28 posts

#one piece - 15 posts

#roronoa zoro - 9 posts

#video - 9 posts

#spn - 9 posts

#spnposting - 9 posts

#tvposting - 8 posts

Longest Tag: 124 characters

#i have a bunch of og posts (from march 2022 and prior) that arent tagged at all and ill go through and tag them another time

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

this show is so fucking funny. the winchesters are the only family ever that held the neurotypical child in a worse light than the very AutDHD one. “because i didn’t wanna bow-hunt or hustle pool because i wanted to go to school and live my life, which in our whacked-out family made me the freak.” like that’s hilarious. i just KNOW dean was getting a 60 or below in every class and his dad fucking loved him for it but sam gets straight As and Bs and his dad couldn’t give less of a shit. dean has never completed a piece of homework in his life but sam would always do his AND get it in on time and their dad discouraged sam’s way of thinking because he liked it better when they slacked off. dean’s only friends were other warriors cats kids and they were only friends for like a week because he was too weird even for them. sam made friends with or at least was acquainted with most of his classmates and that was seen as bad because he had less time to hunt monsters. literally magical.

6 notes - Posted July 10, 2022

#4

sorry for theaterposting but the the general impression i'm getting from the rtc fanbase is that not a lot of people like or agree with the idea of noel catfishing mischa but i for one am super on board with it. i think it's hilarious.

think of your high schools soundcloud rapper (there's at least one of them). you don't know him that well and he's got goofy ass rhymes and he's just a funny character. now imagine your school and town are small and insanely boring, and you're the only gay guy there. you're bored as fuck and one day on youtube you see one of this soundcloud rapper's videos in your recommended and you think "hey, wouldn't it be funny if i pretended to be a hot girl and trolled this guy?" so you do and it's funny and you keep it going for a while because what else do you have to do. then it's been a couple months and you realize this guy is super serious about this relationship and you don't want to end it because you're still having fun, and also because deep down you know it'll hurt him and you've kind of gotten to know him. he ends up proposing to you and you don't know what to do so you say yes and you guys are having cringy google translate internet sex on the regular and he starts talking about saving money to go to ukraine where you don't live to meet you and you realize there's no way to get out of this without him getting hurt. you're vaguely considering faking either your death or your catfish persona's death because you love drama. then you go on a choir trip and the guy is there so you do what you usually do and reply to his texts whenever he's not looking. then you fucking DIE and you're like, this sucks but at least i don't have to deal with that fake online relationship i got myself into.

and then you look over and he's there next to you.

7 notes - Posted December 11, 2022

#3

izzy hands is so workingclass bitter prolegirl mindsick cripplerage.

10 notes - Posted November 28, 2022

#2

honestly from now on im considering it a hate crime to think of zoro as straight. and cis for that matter.

13 notes - Posted April 25, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

i love ruining zoro for dudebros. you dont understand him like i do. i know that hes fat and trans and autistic and gay and mentally ill and disabled. but even more importantly i know he likes math.

14 notes - Posted July 6, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[basgevers]

Revisiting Sandinista! - The Clash

I remember being so disappointed with this album when I first got it - not punk at all, but a strange mix of dub, funk, reggae, jazz and even a waltz, it was no Clash, or Give 'Em Enough Rope. I should have seen the warning signs, mind you: London Calling was a strange mix too, an obvious sign that The Clash were moving into a different direction. Not "Jazz Odyssey" different, but just, well, different.

I don't think I ever listened to the whole album in the first few weeks after I got it. Although this came out in 1980 I didn't buy it until the mid-80's when I was still in my "communism will save the day" phase, and the idea of an album named after left-wing Nicaraguan freedom fighters appealed to my solidly white middle-class political ideology. Remember, this is in the days before CD's and mp3's and Napster and Spotify, so I bought this on something called a 'cassette'. And a fucking double album to boot as well! Two cassettes worth, 24-tracks of punk goodness.

Or so I thought.

The Magnificent Seven starts us off. Now, I'm expecting White Riot here. Instead I get some kind of funk. Wind on (cassette, remember). Hitsville UK ... whit? Wind on. Junco Partner ... wind on ... Ivan Meets G.I. Joe ... at this point I am looking for the receipt. I skip side 2 altogether (it would take too long to wind to the end ..), try side 4 instead and last about as far as Midnight Log before pressing eject and putting the box-set in a drawer where i forget about it until 28th October 2019.

Listening to it now, 32(!) years later, Sandinista! is a classic. A flawed classic, but hey, even Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da doesn't make the White Album any less a masterpiece. You have to remember that when Sandinista! came out we had the likes of Johnny Logan, Kenny Rogers, Abba and Barbara Streisand topping the charts. I mean, the fucking St Winifred's School Choir where at  #1 in the weeks between Christmas and New Year’s. Punk had died, truly. For the survivors, it was adapt or die. And the Clash certainly adapted. On 1978's London Calling we already had hints of a different direction (The Guns of Brixton, Rudy Can't Fail, Wrong 'Em Boyo) but there were still some of the overdriven guitars and anguished vocals to be found on the previous two albums.

But on Sandinista! it was hard to remember that this was the same band that put out Career Opportunities only three years previously. Perhaps this is what made the Clash stand out from the rest. With the exception of The Jam, most of their contemporaries failed to evolve. Or, to paraphrase from Spinal Tap, their musical growth rate cannot even be charted. Sandinista! is an album of such dizzying variety from on track to another that would be hard to pull off for a band with lesser musical talents than Messrs. Strummer, Jones, Simonon and Headon. The silence between the tracks leaves little room to contemplate what comes next. Funk? Soul? Punk? Reggae? Who knows, but strap in - it'll be good.

Back in 1987, furiously winding through the tape to find just one song that I could actually like I stumbled across the track I am sharing - Up in Heaven (Not Only Here). Strangely enough for an album with so much variety, this is one of the more 'normal' offerings. Perhaps that's why it stuck out for me after all these years. It has a place on my "Songs To Hear Before You Die" Deezer playlist.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to spend some time with Sandinista! to see if there's any other hidden gems to add.

[garlique]

ok listen im not tryna brag but idk how i survived high school

[mitts2002]

Aight’ Bet

Hi this is my first time posting on here so I hope whoever is reading this enjoys!! This is a noritoshi kamo x reader where the nori and (Y/N) need a little push from their wonderful Gojo sensei to finally confess~

"Dont you think (Y/N) and noritoshi would make the cutest couple!?" Gojo screamed over the phone to Utahime who sighed in response.

"I can't help but disagree Gojo, Noritoshi doesn't seem ready for a relationship plus is the only reason you rang me really to discuss our students non existent love lives?" Utahime retorted knowing that the couple would in fact be adorable yet refusing to accept that Gojo could actually be right about something.

"No Utahime! I bet if them two were able to spend a few hours together the tension would build up so high that one of them would burst and BAM a couple would be born" the blue eyed male replied, the volume of his voice increasing with each word trying to convince her that they were the highschool sweethearts the jujustu world needed.

“How could you even say that!? I get that its cute whenever they glance at each other and shy away with cute little blushing cheeks but i bet it would take more than a few hours for a whole relationship to-” “OH you bet“ Gojo interrupted an obvious smirk on his face knowing Utahime wouldn’t back down from his advances.

“you know what i meant idiot i wasn’t actually trying to make a bet with you especially after what happened last time” the black haired woman scoffed after hearing a chuckle through the phone.

“Aight’ bet! tomorrow ill bring my second years to kyoto for some training and then lets see if something happens between our precious students“ Gojo proposed excitedly as if he were a child in a sweet shop.

“you know what fine! and im only agreeing cause i know nothings gonna happen tomorrow between them i mean noritoshi is too stiff and (Y/N) always backs out last minute” utahime exclaimed not wanting to prove Gojo right. “GREAT! if i win then you will have to be my slave for 2 whole days and if you win ill be your-” “wait i never agreed to that!” “see ya tomorrow then!” Gojo had quickly rushed his farewells before hanging up relieved he avoided Utahime’s lecture.

"Alright class!" Gojo sensei yelled excitingly as he burst through the doors. This overgrown man child always had something new, it could never be a regular class where his students actually learn then were let out for a break. No Gojo Satorou had to be the most extra male on this earth and for the first time ever it worked in his second year student (Y/N)'s favour.

"What it is now?" Maki groaned with an annoyed expression on her face. No one could blame her though after all the blindfolded man put his beloved students through. "Don't be so sour maki! Be like me a sweet little mochi~ Oh and before I forget I wanted to let you all know that we will meeting with our lovely sister school for some training. Isnt that great!?" Gojo sensei had announced clapping his hands and smiling brightly.

'I wonder if training is all this is' (Y/N) thought to herself realising how sus this situation was before speaking out "wait Gojo sensei weren't we meant to learn a super secret technique today? You said that you were gonna show it us yesterday and that nothing could stop you" (Y/N) questioned as Inumaki gave a little "shake" for support.

"Well my dear (Y/N) something VERY important has come up and we must go to kyoto immediately. You have no right to deny and we will be leaving in 30 minutes so go grab whatever you kids need" Gojo sensei had practically sung before skipping out the door. What an odd man everyone collectively thought before getting up to grab whatever they needed.

30 minutes has passed and in that time panda had gathered his and maki's weapons while you and toge stocked up on cough medicine and basic medical equipment. The journey was short since Gojo had practically teleported you all there and all that was left was to approach the students.

A few figures from the distance were slowly coming into view and (Y/N) could vaguely make out that only utahime, miwa, mai, momo and noritoshi had attended this last minute joint training.

Despite the others reaching and gathering around your small group of second years giving their greetings the only thing your eyes could focus on was noritoshi’s thick black hair as it gently swayed in the breeze. Honestly it was as if the man was in a L'Oréal advert or something.

"(Y/N) stop staring we all know you both have this weird thing going on but we're here to train not flirt dumbass" Maki had whispered into your ear but little did she know that you were in fact here to flirt and not train due to a certain bet between two teachers.

“alright kids listen up! me and the wonderful Utahime sensei have set up this last minute training as its always good to train with new people and techniques. Everyone will be working in pairs“ Gojo announced before Utahime continued.

“The teams we decided on today will be Maki and Miwa, Momo and Imumaki, Panda and Mai then (Y/N) and Noritoshi. Eveyones free to do whatever they want in their sparring matches just don’t severely injure each other, me and Gojo will be watching over the matches and determine the winners“ Utahime informed all the students before they scurried off to in different spaced out areas.

"So Noritoshi how are you? Its been a while since we've last seen eachother" (Y/N) said trying not to let her nervousness show.

"I'm alright just studying and training to be honest. Although I recently started to practice cursive and can even write my own name now" he responded with pride and a small nice.

You laughed causing Noritoshi to cock his head to the side in confusion. "Is there something wrong with cursive?" His deep voice asked with clear offense.

"No no it's just that's so freaking cute and you look so happy about it too" (Y/N) teased with more laughter and ruffled his hair

"Oi don't touch my hair do you know how long it takes to do these wrap bang things?"

"Well how would I know I've never done them nori"

"Well one day I could teach you if you'd like" Noritoshi offered looking to the side trying to hide his red cheeks.

"Aww I'd love that I'm awful at doing hair to be honest so learning some new styles would be great but first we gotta get this dumb sparring match over and done with" (Y/N) moaned as she got into position.

_______________________________

An hour had flew by and the students were taking a break from their matches happily chatting away while the teachers spoke in private about their progress. “come on look at the way they look at eachother OH (Y/N) touched his shoulder SHES FLIRTIN-” “GOJO SHUT THE FUCK UP YOUR SO DAMN LOUD” “sorry but loooook they in love” Gojo cried out with fake tears in his cerulean eyes

“Alright lets just observe look theyre going to the vending machine to get some drinks like FRIENDS DO“ Utahime emphasised on the friends worried she might lose and become this awful mans slave for 2 days.

_______________________________

“Nori im gonna go get a drink from the vending machine do you want one?” “Actually ill just come with you if you dont mind” “OH sure thats fine does anyone else want anything!?” (Y/N) yelled to the whole group receiving a choir of get me this please or get me that and the single tuna mayo.

The walk to the vending machine was quiet but a comfortable silence had fallen upon the pair. It was always like this when you were around Noritoshi Kamo. Peaceful. She didnt feel the need to go the extra mile to entertain him or ensure he wasn’t bored in your presence as your playful banter and sarcastic remarks towards one another was enough for the both of you. 

“(Y/N) is it me or have Gojo and Utahime sensei been staring at us more than the others?“ Noritoshi questioned unable to shake off the feeling of being watched. “Um i’m not too sure i havent been really paying attention to anything other than yo-“ Embarrasment washed over (Y/N) as the words flew out of her mouth before she could stop herself.

“Is that so?“ Nori smirked slightly as you swore you could drop dead right here in this moment. “No i just meant that” “Meant what?“ Noritoshi interrupted leaning closer as you fumbled through your words

“OH LOOK the vending machine is right there better get those drinks“ You quickly said and scrambled away before Noritoshi could get any closer.

“SEE Nori was too intimidating and (Y/N) ran off despite clearly wanting him! its never gonna happen today“ Utahime whispered to Gojo benhind the bushes as he shook his head. “Trust me i have faith in my wonderful (Y/N) I AINT RAISED NO BITCH“ He exclaimed in response while Utahime facepalmed.

The two young adults had collected all the drinks they needed and were ready to walk back to the group. ‘come on (Y/N) you’ve liked this man forever now and everyone knows he must like you back ITS NOW OR NEVER HOE’ (Y/N) screamed words of encouragement to herself before grabbing Noritoshi’s sleeve.

“Is everything alright (Y/N)?” “I have something ive been meaning to tell you Nori, I um like you a lot and i’d like to take you out if you dont mind” (Y/N) had practically yelled at the poor boy because of her stupid nerves and adrenaline.

The silence was broken by an angelic laughter coming from none other than Noritoshi Kamo. “Well i would’ve liked to be the one to take you out but i guess sometimes its alright for traditions and stereotypes to be broken by the younger generation” Nori responded as he walked closer to (Y/N) wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into a sweet kiss. The kiss was messy and clearly new to the both but filled with much love and passion that was finally being expressed by the pair.

As their lips eventually pulled away never wanting this to end, heavy breaths filled the air and cheeks flushed but all that was interrupted by a white haired male clapping in the background screaming “YES I WIN” while the other teacher crouched to the ground tears in her eyes.

[elytrafemme]

i already told too many people today the full story about this so i’m going to abridge it but to give a TLDR of the absolutely fucking crazy day i had today:

(context: school is arranged as two long hallways running parallel on top of one another with one long hallway intersecting perpendicularly to the top hallway, and there are wings and offshoots along the hallways for classrooms library etc.) 

was let out of my first class (lower right-most end of school) late and had to go to my second class (upper left end of school) and ended up getting halfway through the lower middle hallway before music played through the overhead speakers saying we had to get to class in one minute, in which me (+ 4 other people) SPRINTED across the entire school, i tripped on the stairs and bruised my knee, and we got to class like technically 15 seconds late but nobody counted us late.

THEN, during the NEXT class (this has a lot of details so i’m gonna skim over stuff) basically there was an important meeting happening with a group of students but i couldn’t hear the list of people over the announcements because theatre kids were screaming over it and my teacher didn’t know the list, so i went to the front office and got an extremely unhelpful answer after like five to ten minutes, went back to my class to get my stuff and then go all the way across the upper floor to go to the meeting, got told i wasn’t supposed to be at the meeting, went all the way back across the building, and then had to do choir warmups while light-headed.

also i had to get a tardy note from my second class to go to my third class because the only way i could have gotten to it on time was if i managed to, in one and a half minutes, run from the upper leftmost classroom to a lower rightmost end classroom. i still speedwalked but that was kind of for no reason. also honorable mention of me spending half my lunch time trying to figure out where to sit because everywhere i tried to sit was somehow taken by somebody already and i also kept jokingly arguing with my close friend’s friend who i like barely know so it was probably really weird.

anyway moral of the story is to not run all the way across your school several times when (1) tardies are barely important senior year and (2) you aren’t even on the list for people receiving an award so your ventures are pointless

[lucysarah-c]

Traidor

I’m a firmer believer that Among us is the new “UNO” or “MONOPOLY” it destroys family and friends.

This is based on one of my own Friday nights playing Among us with my friends. Enjoy!

Warnings: mentions of sex and alcohol. Please keep in mind that even if it's not explicit sexual intercours, people under 18 should not read this post.

--

This was meant to be a late Friday night with friends, taking a night off of the lectures, shitty professors, and their last-minute essays. During common situations, your entire group of friends from University and your boyfriend would get together for a movie night at someone's flat or go out to have some drinks but 2020 had other plans for you. So just for the sake of keeping in contact all of you decided that Friday nights could still be a thing with Discord. Sometimes it would be movies, or skribbl.io, or the last new sensation AMONG US.

“I swear to god, I talked like 2 hours over the phone with my dad,” Erwin said to the group “I had never been a social craving person but I miss seeing people, doesn’t it happened to you?”

“What you miss is getting laid, be honest Erwin,” Mike said while turning on the camera and graving his beer.

“Well, that for sure” Erwin was laughing about his friend’s comment. Mike and he had been friends since kindergarten.

“I can’t believe how fucking desperate are you” Levi made his entrance in the voice chat but you could hear him from the other side of the living room too. “What’s wrong Erwin? Is Marie trying to make it work with Nile, again”

“Oh shut up, you are the only one who cannot complain about anything. You are living the student dream right now” Erwin replied and opened what looked like a chip’s bag and following a beer.

“Yeah Levi, not fair. I feel like I’m fifteen years old again, studying in my room with my mom asking me to 'keep the door open' ” Mike said and nobody could contain the laugh, even your boyfriend chuckled a bit.

When the first lockdown was announced you’d planned to go back to your parents' house and take the online semester there but Levi caught you out of watch when he asked if you wanted to move into his apartment. Levi had been your boyfriend for almost two years and, even when he was done with his undergraduate degree, he still had some classes to give and take a while during his post-degree. You, on the other hand, were a few years younger and were trying to finish your degree. You met the rest of the group and you were proud to say that you managed to fit quite well. Nanaba and Mike were dating too but they both went back to their own parents' house during the quarantine, Erwin was living alone and Hange was living with her flatmate, Moblit. Eren, Armin, and Mikasa were family friends and a few years younger too, still sharing rooms on the university campus.

“Tell us, Levi. How many times did you fuck today?” Hange asked with her microphone sounding too loud that hurt you a bit.

“More than any of you for sure,” Your boyfriend said full of confidence, almost showing off, while you were dying of embarrassment.

It was locked down! what else could you do than doing your choirs and having quality time with your baby boy?

“My dad said today that he talk to Kuchel over the phone and she is worried that you may made her a grandmother too soon” Levi’s cousin, Mikasa, commented while joining the server and Levi spit part of the glass of wine that he was drinking and began to cough.

You could listen to everybody's laugh through your headphones and the need to turn your computer off and hide from the rest of the world was so high. Your cheeks were tinted with an intense color red that not even your hands were able to hide from the webcam.

“Don’t worry (Y/N), it’s not that your mother in law doesn’t know what a couple in their early twenties do” Moblit was trying not to laugh in your face but he remarked the “mother in law”.

“Why the fuck is my mother talking about my sexual life with the rest of the family?” Levi made the rhetorical question while being slightly blushed but it was hard to tell from the quality of the video chat.

“Good night” Armin greeted everybody while joining

“Are we going to play or not? Night, btw” Eren joined too.

“Yes, please. Let’s play” You were eager to begin the game so they could stop talking about how much your boyfriend’s family know about what goes on in your sheets.

Among us was like the hot topic of the moment and insured laugh. Eren would complain angrily that he never played because he was always killed or voted out. Hange always screaming that “I’m not, I swear!” but always being the impostor at the end. Mike voting someone just because it was funny to randomly vote people and he chuckled when they madly complain about it. Moblit and Armin trying to calm everybody down during the discussions but flatly erring. Mikasa being quiet most of the game but she would always say “I think it’s Levi” with no real reason.

Yeah, it was tones of fun until it wasn’t. Only you, Levi, and Erwin left, one impostor. Levi had the scanner so everybody knew it was not him, the thing was between you and Erwin.

“Levi, it’s (Y/N). Trust me” Erwin said plainly.

“Yeah, I think she is the shitty rat too,” Your boyfriend said and you were trying so hard to behave yourself.

“Are you kidding me? you always think it’s me! this is not fucking fair” You said so full of anger “I can’t believe that my own shitty boyfriend doesn’t believe in me! I have told you from the pretty beginning THAT I AM NOT THE IMPOSTOR”

“Levi, I am your best man. Believe me, I’m not” Erwin tried to convince him, at this stage of the game there weren’t many things to say. It was more a matter of trust than anything else. Erwin was so calm, as usual.

“I was with you almost all the game, I could have killed you but I didn’t” Your shinny (E / C) eyes looking into the gray one of your boyfriend “Levi, please”

You were even begging, begging for him to believe you. But Levi remained silent, not voting yet.

“You know what? go ahead vote me, fucking vote me!” your angry tone caught him out of guard “You always believe in him while playing, I don’t know why I even bother”

“My own fucking boyfriend doesn’t believe in me and trust his besti more, unbelievable” You finished your rail, your voice got out so broken at the end as if you were about to cry.

“Brat, come on don’t get so fucking hurt. It’s just a game” Levi tried to resonate with you, he was used to Eren feeling betrayed about a game but not you.

You didn’t answer and time was running out, your head tilted to a side not making eye contact with him. Your long eyelashes moving up and down while you blinked a couple of times trying to control the, apparently, new tears that were forming.

“(Y / N) . . .” the raven man said your name, not brat or kid anymore. Levi looked up from his screen to look at your real face across the room.

“Come on, Levi. She is making it on purpose” Erwin said

“Oi, (Y / N). Look at me and promise me that you are saying the truth” Your boyfriend spook up and this time you lock eyes with him again.

The ghosts were silently screaming, trying so hard to interfere. Erwin tried his best with “We are going to lose, Levi. Come on, trust me. She is lying”

You opened your mouth with crystal (E / C) eyes looking into Levi’s “I promise you that I’m not lying”

That was all, Levi's decisive vote was made at the last minutes and the screen changed. Erwin did a facepalm and you could hardly contain the laugh.

                                      Erwin was not the impostor

                                       Levi has left the chat

The rest was loudly complaining but they suddenly shut up when your face on the screen looked up. “Come on don’t be mad, it’s just a game,” you said and everybody was expecting to see what was going to happen next.

“Don’t fucking talk to me again, how could you made me feel so bad about myself for a fucking game!”

“Guys I have to go, good night” You quickly said and left the chat too.

One week later, another Friday came and you were talking with Mikasa over the phone. “So, are you two going to play tonight?” she asked

“Oh, yes, everything is fine now but he didn’t talk to me for like 3 days,” you said while holding the phone close to your ear with your shoulder while making yourself a cup of tea. You heard Mikasa’s laugh from the other side of the line.

“For real?” she asked genuinely concern, after all, Levi didn’t have drama queen moments.

“Yes! he was so pissed. . . I think I overdid” You said “That’s why we are watching movies tonight”

[twokinkybeans]

Four Times Peter’s Radioactivity Worked Against Him and the One Time It Worked In His Favor [STARKER]

Summary: Now that Peter is radioactive, his surroundings start responding to him. And he starts to respond to his surroundings differently as well. His newfound infatuation with bananas are a difficult thing for Tony to deal with. Note: there is a snippet of science-y truth in what I wrote, but I also took major creative liberty with what happens. Warnings/tags: Food kink, Praise kink, Dom/Sub undertones, Subspace, Under-negotiated kink, Teasing, Dirty Talk, “For science” sure Tones, Implied Blowjob, BANANAS! (also Peter is an adult when the sexy things happen). Read it on AO3!

Four Times Peter’s Radioactivity Worked Against Him 1. Tick Tock It’s been three days since Peter Parker got his spider powers. He’s still trying to get a hang of everything, but at least he’s got his stickiness under control. Everything is just so loud and so intense. Constantly. The sensory overload has made him cranky to say the least, but it’s not like he can just skip school. With the sweaty, yelling students, screeching chalkboards and itchy PE uniforms. Not to mention the school bell. The anticipation practically hurts as much as the shrill ringing in his ears does. Another sound that has shivers run up and down Peter’s spine is Flash’s voice. “Check out my new watch!” He announces to the class as he saunters in, wrist raised to the ceiling. He grins, showing off the expensive piece of technology. Peter doesn’t know why but the device has his eye twitch. He stands up confused and walks over to Flash, drawn by the watch, somehow. “What brand is it?“ He asks innocently. “Wow, didn’t think it’d catch your attention, Penis,” Flash scoffs. “Gucci. Nothing you could ever afford.” “Huh…” Peter frowns, unable to look away from Flash’s wrist. His eyes go wide when he notices the arms are shaking slightly. Are they supposed to do that? “I know, it’s pretty rad. Even glows in the dark!” Flash turns to Ned, who just walked into the classroom. “Ned, turn off the lights!” Ned pulls a face but moves to turn off the light anyways, but when it’s dark in the classroom, no light comes from Flash’s wrist. “It- It works, I swear!” Flash taps the glass three times. “Stupid fucking watch.” With Flash’s limited patience, it doesn’t take long for him to rip it off and toss it away from him. Peter’s newfound reflexes cause him to catch it mid-air, but the second his skin makes contact with the watch, a bright flash of light makes everyone in the room cover their eyes and scream. ... 2. Emergency Exit Peter has no idea when he started eating bananas so much. There’s just something about them that tastes absolutely amazing. How did he never realize this earlier? The fruit is now part of his daily diet now. They give him enough energy to run around school and as Spider-Man, so he’s not complaining. At least he’s not addicted to sugar or hamburgers, right? Peter munches on his second banana of the day when the fire alarm stirs the school. All the lights go out. Peter looks up at the ceiling, but he doesn’t feel any alarm. He’s learned he can rely on his gut way better now, with his spider powers, so this must be a test. He quickly stands up, though, not wanting to seem disinterested in the fact that there was an evacuation going on. The emergency exit sign lights the way to safety for all the students. Peter runs towards the fire escape and stops, wanting to make sure everyone else gets to run out first. Above him, the escape sign starts flickering. He looks up at it and frowns, wondering why now of all times it decided to give out. Maybe that’s why this test was happening? To see which emergency lights still worked? Once all of the students are out of the cafeteria, Peter leaves too. When there’s a bit of distance between him and the door, he looks back and notices the light works properly again. ... 3. Thrifted TV It’s been over half a year since Peter has last gone to the thrift store. He’s very excited to get some new-old stuff to tinker with. Ben’s death and him becoming Spider-Man put a damper on his hobbies. He was able to make his goggles and web shooters with the scrap he still had lying around, but now he’s in desperate need of some new-old stuff. The thrift store is creaky and dusty. Exactly the way Peter used to like it. Now everything just tickles his nose. Still, he can’t help the feeling of nostalgia curling around him like a weighted blanket on a cold winter’s day. Peter snakes through the clutter filled paths, keeping an eye out for hidden gems. “Peter Parker!” “Hi, Mister Cheung!” Peter smiles politely at the thrift store owner. “I haven’t seen you in a while. Thought you moved on to another shop.” The old man shuffles away from behind the counter and folds his hands together. “Wouldn’t dare, sir! You’re my go-to for old tech.” Peter glances around a table and picks up a few items to study them up close. “That’s good to hear, boy. What’s your latest project? Anything you need? Maybe I can hook you up with the right stuff!” Mister Cheung grins and excitedly bops his head side to side. “My latest project is- eh…” Peter glances down at his hands, hiding his web shooters a little more in the sleeves of his sweater. “Something for school, actually. Nothing too interesting, to be honest. Do you happen to have an old TV lying around?” “Just one, but yes! Follow me, follow me!” Mister Cheung excitedly makes his way to the back corner of his store. “This ol’ Philips still works!” He pats it proudly, with his flat palm. “Though, I don’t think you need it to work, do you?” “Nah, there’s just one part that I really need, honestly. If you’d rather sell it to someone who-“ Peter takes a step closer and the TV suddenly starts to tick loudly. Mister Cheung takes a startled step away from it and Peter gasps. His yet-to-be-named sixth sense buzzes every part of him, so he quickly jumps towards Mister Cheung, and closer to the TV. It ticks louder and louder, as a warning of something that’s about to happen. Peter shields the shop owner with his body at exactly the right moment. A loud bang thrashes through the store and something hits Peter’s back. When everything seems to be over, Peter steps away from Mister Cheung. “Sir, are you okay?” The corners of the man’s mouth curl down, but he nods. “Are you?” “Something big tapped my back, but I’m fine,” Peter says with an encouraging smile. He turns around to see a large chunk of the TV on the floor behind him. Any regular person would’ve gotten floored by that. He decides not to mention that to Mister Cheung, hoping he doesn’t notice. He looks back at the wreckage again and frowns. He squats next to it and wonders what’s drawing him towards it. Peter rummages around it for a bit and pulls out a specific piece. The CRT. “That what you need?” Mister Cheung asks quietly as he looks around the corner of the store. More items got destroyed in the process. Peter feels bad for him- for what happened. Especially once it finally clicks. CRTs emit low levels of radiation. “Not exactly, but…” He looks back again at the mess that was caused by the explosion. “Let me help you clean up.” ... 4. Wet shoes Peter never dared to dream of being in the Avengers Tower. More specifically, he never dared to dream of being allowed in Tony Stark’s lab. To work with him. On whatever project. Peter didn’t really care what they were going to work on, the invitation in and of itself already had Peter nearly puking with excited anxiety. Right now, he was being guided through the hallways by the hero he looked up to ever since he could remember. “Right, so-“ Tony explain as he carelessly points around the space as he talks. “You’re still too much of a young sprite so we’re not letting you up to the penthouse just yet. You’ve got clearance to most of the labs, though. I trust you know your way around them.” Peter somehow manages to listen both super intently and not at all. He stares straight at the back of Tony’s perfect hair with wide, wonder-filled eyes. “-if that’s alright with you. And then this…” Tony stops walking and gestures at a closed door. “…is where all the magic happens.” If Peter’s grin could grow any wider, it would have. He bounces from his left to his right foot and with an encouraging nod from his mentor, Peter moves to open the door. In Peter’s mind, a bright, inviting light shines upon him and an angel choir sings. This is everything Peter imagined it would be and more. Slowly, he sets one foot in the room, taking in the space and its contents. The desks and holo-table. The little kitchen area in the corner and the robots. Oh, the robots! And the cars on display! And the older Iron Man suits in the other corner! Peter is about ready to throw up for real. He takes another step into the room and then… There’s a loud, insistent alarm blaring through Tony Stark’s workshop and before Peter can turn around to rush out, the door shuts on him. “Woah!” Tony exclaims from the other side. “Kid, that’s the fire alarm! Barn door protocol! Everything’s fine, just don’t be startled when-“ The sprinklers turn on. Peter yelps surprised at the amount of water hitting his body and within seconds he is absolutely soaked. After a minute, the sprinklers stop and the door gets unlocked. The blaring of the fire-alarm is still going. Tony walks in, absolutely confused as to what’s going on and he finds a shivering Peter, hugging himself as all the water drips down his body, making the puddle on the floor even larger. Lucky for Tony, all of his stuff in this room is water proof and the cars were separated by glass. “Fri, was there actually a fire?” “No, sir, the smoke detectors were activated. Something is interfering with its signal.” “Is?” “Yes, sir. Is.” Tony glances at Peter and sniffs once, wondering what made the detector tick when Peter walked in. “Can you source it?” “It’s Peter Parker, sir.” The AI replies dryly. Peter scoffs out loud, causing Tony to look at him surprised. “How sensitive are your detectors?” The teen asks. There’s a slight edge to his tone and Tony doesn’t know what to think of it just yet. “Quite. More than regular ones, at least. Fri, please lower the sensitivity of the detectors.” Almost immediately, the incessant beeping stops. “Are you telling me this happened before?” Tony puts his hands on his hips as he walks towards the kitchen to grab Peter a few towels. “I only learned this a little while ago, but…” Peter sighs and turns. “The spider that bit me was radioactive and ever since that happened some devices respond strangely to me.” His eyebrows raise up to his hairline. “Do your smoke detectors happen to be the kind that have americium-241 in them?” “Well, yes, but-“ Tony interrupts himself, scoffing a laugh when he realizes why Peter asked. “That stuff’s radioactive too.” “Slightly, but yeah. Made an old TV explode, emergency exit signs become faulty when I’m near them, it’s annoying. Did you know ceramics are slightly radioactive? I’ve had old plates snap the second I touched them!” “Fri, give Peter a scan, please.” --- The One Time It Worked In His Favor Bananaddiction It’s been about eight years now and Peter practically lived in Tony’s workshop at this point. They are so in tune they barely have to talk anymore. When they do talk, nobody else can keep up with them Bruce could if he put in the effort, but then, it also takes a lot of effort. So he doesn’t usually join conversations unless the topic genuinely interests him. Peter is now completely comfortable in the workshop and around Tony. His teenage crush on his mentor might be gone, but that doesn’t mean there are no feelings left. They are now more deeply rooted inside him. More solid. Real. It’s no longer as fleeting as the puppy love he felt when he was younger. He was glad his younger self was never stupid enough to act upon his obsession with the older man, but now they are so in sync that if you told a stranger the two tinkerers are married, they would believe you. Unfortunately, Peter is painfully aware the older man would never want him in the way Peter wants Tony. He still calls Peter kid, even though Peter’s well in his twenties now. Everything about Tony’s behaviour screams at Peter that he really is just Tony’s mentee. Nothing more. And that hurts. There’s one obsession Peter still has. His extreme and undeniable love and craving for bananas. Something about it made Peter feel a little self-conscious. So, he only ever eats one in the labs. The others that he eats during the day are incorporated in his breakfast and during late night patrols. Peter never really cared to figure out why bananas are so absolutely, insanely delicious and he doesn’t want any of his now-colleagues to think he’s weird. So, his bananaddiction is a secret. Up until now. “Hey, kid,” Tony says from his seat. He’s bent over some file work as Peter walks into the workshop and tosses his backpack in a corner. “How was uni?” “Boring. Still fourteen classes ahead of everybody else.” “Good for you.” As sarcastic as it may sound, Peter can take it from Tony. He knows Tony is genuinely proud of Peter for performing so well, as it also means Peter gets to spend a lot of time in the workshop that way too. It only takes a split second for Peter’s eye to twitch and his body practically guides him to the fruit bowl in the corner kitchen like a Looney Toons character would float towards a good smelling dish. His lips are pressed together as he stares at the yellow gold in the bowl. Twelve bananas. Twelve wonderful, beautiful, delicious bananas were right there waiting for Peter to devour them. “Noticed you eat bananas literally every day, so I figured I’d indulge. Saves you some money too, since you’re still on a student budget,” Tony huffs, quietly referencing the fact that Peter still doesn’t want to get paid more than necessary for his work. Peter’s eyes are stuck on the bananas as he contemplates how many he should eat with Tony around. Not many. Not three. Maybe not even two. Maybe two? One. Definitely. Peter practically lunges forward as he takes a banana from the bowl and gratefully makes his way to Tony’s desk to have a look at what the older hero is up to. He cocks his head to read the paper. “Still working through the amendments for the Accords?” “World leaders are frustrating people, Parker.” As Tony talks, Peter strips the banana of its peel. He wraps his lips around it instantly and closes his eyes when the familiar taste hits his tongue. His eyes open wide when he realizes he just moaned. Tony’s entire body is tensed up, the ball point pen clenched between his fingers. He doesn’t look at Peter and the young adult silently hopes the man will ignore what just happened. Thankfully, he does. After an hour, the banana bowl already calls to Peter again. Like a siren on the shores or the Dark Side of the Force. The temptation is excruciating and annoyingly distracting. When Peter only had his one banana on him, there were no other bananas left to eat. It was easier to think of other things. Right now, with the other eleven bananas still waiting for Peter to stuff his throat with them, there was no telling when he’d snap. He takes a breath. And another one. He can get through this. He’s strong. He won’t break. He won’t eat another banana. “Pete, this is your fourth banana, are you okay?” Peter’s lips are still wrapped around what’s left of the third banana he didn’t mean to eat. Okay, so maybe he was weak. For bananas, at least. With big eyes, he looks up at Tony, who now stands next to him, from his desk seat. The man’s pupils are dilated and it’s only when Peter realizes what he must look like with his cheeks stuffed with banana and his lips half suckling on the length, that he looks down to see Tony’s very obvious hard-on. Peter scrambles to take the rest of the banana out of his mouth, but unfortunately for him, it makes a wet popping sound, causing Tony to curse under his breath. “I- I weally wike bananas, m-sowwy-“ Tony blinks at Peter. Once. Twice. Something about the shift in his expression makes Peter imagine a little bulb lighting up above Tony’s head. “Potassium.” Peter quickly swallows away the delectable fruit. “Wha-?” “Bananas are radioactive, Pete. You eat them because you- well…” “I vibe with them?” “Yeah, I guess you could put it like that.” Tony takes a step back and scratches his goatee. The man then turns to walk back to his desk. “Just… Just don’t eat too many a day, alright?” Peter swallows again and then nods. “I’ll try,” he replies sheepishly, a lopsided smile plastered on his face. It’s nearing 2AM and Peter is trying really hard not to grab his sixth banana. He already informed Tony that the fifth one would be his last. He can’t go back on that now. He curses his high metabolism, because he is actually hungry. There are a ton of other things in the kitchen to munch on, but his mind and his cravings still gravitate towards the yummy bananas. “Do you want me to get the stuff out of here?” Tony snorts. “You’re obviously not focussed because of them.” Peter sighs and drops himself back against his chair. “Mister Stark, it’s just so good. I can’t explain it.” A sly grin grows on Tony’s face. “Try me. For scientific purposes, of course.” Peter stares at the ceiling. When he opens his mouth to speak, Tony immediately interrupts him again. “Wait-“ Peter sits up straight to watch Tony walk towards the kitchen area. He takes one banana from the batch and tosses it at Peter who easily catches it. The fruit seems to vibrate in Peter’s hand, but that might just be his imagination. Tony grabs a chair and pulls it closer towards Peter, until he sits down right across from him, leaning his elbows on his knees. “I’m really curious how it is for you,” Tony admits. “To me it’s just a banana.” Peter faux gasps. “Just a banana?” He then smirks. “Oh, you wound me.” “Go on, kid, tell me.” Both of them laugh as Peter starts peeling the banana, already infatuated with it again. It’s a long one this time, at least nine inches. “Do you… Do you know that feeling that you get when you haven’t eaten something in a while and then you put something in that taste absolutely divine?” Peter’s mouth salivates as his eyes are still glued to the yellow fruit. “The little orgasm-in-your-mouth kinda feel?” Peter barely notices how Tony’s voice is a little lower. Darker. As a reply, Peter only nods slightly. “Every bite.” “Sounds intense.” “It is.” Peter’s lips part as he brings the length closer to his mouth. He sniffs once. “The smell tickles my nose. And… And the way it sits in my hand, the… The stiffness and the girth of it.” Peter wets his lips, breathing coming out in shorter pants. He can feel Tony’s eyes on him. Studying him intently. The man is slowly inching closer and closer, as if there is only a little bit of oxygen left in the room and it’s right between the two of them. “And then, when I put it in my mouth- when it hits my tongue, I just-“ “You ride a high,” Tony whispers. Peter still stares at the banana, half surprised with his self-control. He would’ve stuffed his face way earlier if he didn’t have Tony’s eyes on him like this. “Feels so good,” Peter mumbles. “Tastes so good.” “What do you do then?” Tony’s voice is so close to him, right next to him. Peter didn’t know when Tony had pulled the chair close enough for him to practically graze his lips past the shell of Peter’s ear. He gasps quietly when Tony’s warm hand finds its resting place on Peter’s thigh. “Like to wrap my lips around it,” Peter answers breathlessly. “Suckle on it.” “Suckle on it.” Tony’s reply doesn’t even sound like a repetition of what Peter said. It sounds like an order. Peter does as told and immediately moans when the fruit hits his tongue again. “That’s it, kid.” A shiver runs down Peter’s spine. Peter can hear Tony’s heartbeat and how it quickens. Can feel how the blood is racing downstairs for the both of them. Was this actually happening? Maybe Tony did want him? Everything that’s happening right now, sure points in that direction. “Keep going further down, Pete…” Tony encourages softly. His other hand makes its way to Peter’s back, gently massaging through his shirt. “Show me how far you can take it.” Peter sucks on the banana, letting his tongue run circles and stripes over the length. His eyes are shut and he pushes further and further until he feels it hit the back of his throat. “Oh,” Tony groans. “Perfect.” The hand on Peter’s back creeps up into his hair and clutches it tight. It starts guiding Peter to bob his head around the fruit and Peter can’t help but grin. Tony wants this. Him. Definitely. Thank you, bananaddiction. “You got a hand left, Pete.” Tony’s soft voice rumbles through Peter’s entire being, making the experience of the banana even better. “Why don’t you have a feel for how hard your nipples are, huh? I can see them through your shirt…” Peter complies, pushing his free hand under his shirt and crawling up until- OH! He moans and rolls his hips in tune with how he rolls the sensitive bud between his fingers. His eyes roll back and he doubles his efforts to feel even better. Peter sighs around the banana as it slowly falls apart on his tongue. It’s even more sublime now that Tony is helping him, steering him, forcing him. “Good boy,” Tony whispers, placing a gentle kiss behind Peter’s ear. The young man’s hips buck involuntarily in their chair but Tony’s hand that’s still on his thigh squeezes to keep him in place. Peter gasps at the pull at his hair and the hand moves to cup his balls through his jeans. Every part of Peter is on fire right now. “Nearly there…” Tony is right. Peter’s cock pulses with the need to release. He nearly has all of the banana in his mouth now and it’s not long before his right hand drops the empty peel to the floor. “Now…” Tony whispers. “Swallow.” Peter whimpers and does as told, automatically opening his mouth wide and sticking out his tongue when all of the banana has disappeared into his stomach. “Oh,” Tony coos, taking his hand out of Peter’s hair to push his thumb down on Peter’s tongue. “So beautiful…” Peter has already forgotten how to talk. His mind is swimming with lust. Want. Need. Tony takes back his hand, but Peter doesn’t see it. He still has his eyes closed, after all, relishing in the aftertaste of the banana. A soft whine escapes his lips when the hand that was gently massaging his clothed cock also disappears. However, when Peter half-opens his eyes, his smile immediately returns. In front of him, hard and aching, dripping precum, swaying and twitching, is Tony Stark’s cock. Something he had only imagined up until now as he jerked himself off in bed. Tony’s fingers curl around the shaft and stroke a few times. His other hand finds its way back into Peter’s hair. The man playfully guides Peter to follow his cock left and right. Absentmindedly, Peter opens his mouth, letting his tongue roll out in an attempt to lap at Tony’s dick. Every time just a little too far away to be successful. “Want it, Peter? You want it, don’t you?” Peter nods in Tony’s tight grip. “So hungry for cock, yet you probably don’t even realize…” Peter frowns slightly, unsure of what Tony is aiming for. “When you get off, Petey, do you eat your own cum?” The question takes Peter off guard, but he’s taken back to every single time he was in his bed, mindlessly lapping at his fingers during the afterglow. “Do you?” Peter nods again, smiling dreamily. His half open eyes still follow Tony’s hard cock in front of him. “Every time,” he manages to moan out. “So good…” “Not just addicted to bananas then?” Tony chuckles. “Bet you’re also infatuated with cum. With the taste- the feel of it when it hits your tongue.” Peter gasps, his own cock twitching and leaking in his now way-too-tight pants. “Such a slut for it, aren’t you? I know why…” Peter lets his head be pulled back until he looks Tony straight in the eye. The man grins and licks his lips, inching closer until the tip of his dick rests on Peter’s cheek as a promise that Peter will get what he wants soon enough. Tony grins wickedly. “There’s also potassium in cum, you know?”

[neocity-sarai]

NCT/ Hunger Games Crossover

☁ hunger games! au (assorted scenes: all films) reader x mark (as peeta mellark), reader x  jaehyun (as gale hawthorne) , mentions of jungwoo (as primrose everdeen) and johnny (as finnick odair)

☁ alerts: angst, blood, violence, language, kissing, death

☁ song rec: i know places by taylor swift | exile by bon iver ft. taylor swift | carry you by ruelle ft. fleurie | the end of everything by noah cyrus

☁ this are choppy scenes that I found most encaptivating within the books/ films, make sure to go check out the series by Suzanne Collins! (for non-readers/ viewers, this might be hard to follow, so sorry!) 

☁ thank you once again to @regularhuhhh​ for all the encouragement and inspo ily :)

+Scene 0: Introduction:

In the world you live in, Panem is a society that has been governed by the elitist families of the capitol and the district generals. Public disturbances are handled by peacekeepers- soldiers from the capitol sent by President Snow. There are 12 districts each known for mining, agriculture, and necessities that provide for the classes of those who sit on top of the caste system. Therefore, people in the lower districts didn’t have much. They survived on food scraps and flea market trades. Even so, every year, a boy and girl tribute would be selected to participate in the hunger games. A gruesome war game involving death, bloodshed, and violence all for the sake of entertainment for the elitists. It’s a cruel thing, to force children as young as 13 to compete in this killing game in order to please an audience of people they don’t belong in themselves. But that’s the order of President Snow. Everyone must do as he says, or death comes knocking on your door. 

+Scene 1: INTERIOR. DARK CAVE -- NIGHT (74th HUNGER GAMES): “Stay”

Mark grunts back in pain, blood gushing from the wound that cuts the skin of his thigh. You help him scoot back to the wall of the cave, cutting away the loose fabric of his pants. His brows are scrunched in from the sting of his injury, hands fisting the dirt. 

You grip your bow even tighter, snapping your dark eyes up at him, “Mark, I’m going out. You stay here, okay?”

Though he’s injured, Mark grabs hold of your arms, his grip tight, “No! You’re not going back out there!”

You freeze from Mark’s raised voice, eyes piercing the fire that burns an imprint into your soul. Then you shout, “You would do it for me! I’m not letting you die here.”

You take one good look at Mark. Mud is smeared all over his face, his black hair matted down on his forehead from his sweat and the humidity of the cave. Yet, his eyes still look warm. They remind you of the warm meadows back home, the view of the bright sun rising over district 12. 

Mark’s eyes soften, his busted lips pursed, “Come here.”

You eye him skeptically, “Mark, I have to go. I saw some medicine by the cornucopia.” 

Mark pleads to you, “Just..please stay. Stay with me.”

Giving up, you sigh. You set down your bow the prop against the cave wall, the smell of mildew and rainwater filling your nose. You search Mark for answers, only to find his hand tapping his chest, beckoning for you to come over. You lie down, placing your head onto Mark’s chest, your hand resting on his stomach. You feel him melt against you, his chin rested on your head. 

He whispers lowly, “If I don’t make it-”

You clutch his shirt, gritting your teeth, “Don’t. Don’t say it.”

Mark stares up at the ceiling, halting his words. He doesn’t finish his sentence.

Waiting after 20 minutes, you check to make sure that Mark is sound asleep. Snores rumble from his chest, stirring when his wound pulses with soreness. Carefully, you raise your head off his body as you make way towards your bow. You’re off. You promised yourself that you’d keep Mark alive. You were going to survive until the end. You had managed to retrieve the medicine though you had run into Clove, an aggressive tribute from district 1. She managed to slice your cheek open with her dagger, right before you had shot her heart with your silver arrow.You never got used to that feeling- the loss of life. Death is always a reminder that humans are mere mortal, not godly beings who have the power to stay young forever.

Making your way back to the cave, you let out a sigh of relief when you push away the curtain of leaves to reveal Mark’s body slumped on the side of the cave, his eyes peacefully shut. His lashes extend over his eyes, casting shadows on his soiled cheeks. It looks like he hasn’t eaten in days. He spent all his time hiding from the other tributes or pretending to join them so he could protect you. He spent so long stalling Cato and Pepper, two aggressive tributes from district 2. They wanted to kill you off from the start, hungry for victory. You set down your bow again, screwing off the container lid of the antibiotic gel from the sponsors. Mark’s obsidian eyes flash open to the sound, eyes darting to the container of medicine you hold in your hands.

 “You promised me you wouldn’t go! Agh-” 

Mark winces from his sudden movement, causing you to push him back down lightly. You kneel beside him biting your chewed over lip, “I’m fine! I got the medicine.”

Mark leans back, eyes somber when he sees the bloody cut on your cheek, “You don’t look fine!”

You frown, swiping your fingers on your cut, “It’s just a scratch. I ran into Clove.”

Mark lets out a pained yelp in effort to move closer to you, his wound stopping him. He leans back on the cool surface of the cave wall again, gritting his teeth, “Why are you doing this when you can just save yourself?”

You stare at the ground, unable to meet his eyes. You’ve always been one to think with your head, not your heart. Logic over emotion. That’s how it’s always been. You gaze at him, the boy who had thrown you a loaf of bread, the one who shyly stole glances at you during choir class. You put a hair behind your ear, “Mark.. I just don’t want you to get hurt is all..”

Mark sniffles, moving closer to you despite the pain that shoots up his leg, leaving the cave wall so that he’s only millimeters away from your lips. He glances down at them, using his hand to caress your jaw before flicking his eyes up at you. You are in shock, heart beating faster than a million volts zapping through a telephone wire. In a quiet whisper, hushed, Mark swipes a tender thumb over your cheek, “Just kiss me, y/n.”

So you do. You kiss Mark like you mean it. You kiss him like you want him to live. He kisses you even though his leg is hurting but he can’t let go of you. He’s scared in his heart that he’ll watch you climb up to the cave entrance and you’ll be killed by some bloodthirsty tribute who he doesn’t know. He can’t bear to watch you leave that cave. He pulls you closer, your hands weaving through his matted locks and surprisingly, you don’t mind the earthy taste on Mark’s dry lips. 

When Mark pulls away, he catches his breath.

You say, grasping the fabric of his shirt, “What was that for?”

 He leans his forehead against yours, “I meant what I said during the interview. I’ve always liked you, just from afar. I just wasn’t ballsy enough to tell you.”

In confirmation, you peck Mark’s soft lips again, before taking one good look at him.

Mark takes your hand in his, his forehead rested on yours,  “Don’t go out alone. Okay?”

You nod, “Let me help you. We don’t want your wound getting infected.”

You apply the ointment to his wound, causing his muscles to relax from the cooling sensation. He stares at you while you do it, memorizing every movement and every feature. He wants to know what it’s like to braid your hair and touch your face, how your eyes glint and darken in the shadows. He clears his throat, “You need some of that too.”

You shake your head, “I’m okay. I don’t need it.”

Mark doesn’t stop pressing, taking the container out of your hands without warning, “Let me then.”

You narrow your eyes at him, nearing close to him as he dips his fingers into the gel, swiping it on your cheek so that it glistens. You shut your eyes from the feeling, the feeling of Mark’s warm fingers on your skin. It sends shivers down your spine, opening your eyes to the sensation of Mark kissing the corner of your lip, “I know what you’re thinking. I can see it in your eyes. Don’t leave without me, okay?”

You nod, settling back down into Mark’s chest, sleep threatening to take your minds over.

+scene 2: EXTERIOR. 74TH HUNGER GAMES -- DAY: “Together”

You place your sharpened dagger into the palm of Mark’s hand, molding your fingers over his, “You have to kill me, Mark. You have to do it.”

Mark’s eyes widen as large as saucers, pupils darting back and forth between you and the weapon in his palm. 

Mark shouts, “Y/n! Are you fucking insane?!”

Your legs tremble, your fingers shaking, “Don’t you see?! Only one of us can make it out of here alive! Only one of us can win!”

Mark cards his smudged hands through his hair, refusing violently, “You can’t ask me that y/n. I’m not killing you. You need to survive.”

The air feels suffocating, tears threatening to spill out from your eyes, “Don’t make this hard. I’ve already decided. It’s okay.”

Mark turns his back to you, throwing the dagger to the ground in anger. He raises his voice and it makes you stand where you are, words caught in your throat. He won’t give up. He can’t see that you’re trying to save him. If anyone’s going to live, it has to be Mark. It has to be him. 

Mark looks over his shoulder at you, stepping closer. He nears you cautiously, calloused hands moving up to grip the side of your arms. You stare back at him, Mark’s eyes boring into yours. He uses his fingers to move a hair out of your face, scanning you for some sort of protest- some kind of sign. 

Choking out, you whisper, trying to silence your sob, “Mark..”

He wastes no time pulling your body close to him, arms wrapped around your waist. His lips graze the shell of your ear, “Y/n, I’m not letting you die here.”

Your palm moves to the pad of your pocket, something firm in the depths of it. You dip your fingers into the pocket, pulling out small round balls that sit in your palm. Nightlock berries. Poisonous. Your mind flashes back to Fox’s dead body in the woods near the nightlock bushes, the purple juice smeared on her lips. Mark pulls away confusedly to look at your palm, his eyes blinking to register what it is. He hates the idea. You know because he scrunches his nose and narrows his eyes. But, it’s the only way. 

“Don’t tell me…”

You split the cluster of berries in half, placing the other half into Mark’s palm. 

He looks up at you with concerned eyes, “Y/n, there’s another way. We don’t have to do this and you don’t have to die. I can-”

“No! No, Mark. It’s both of us or none of us. I’m not killing you. This is our best option.”

Defeated, he sighs, playing with the berries with the pad of his thumb. Finally, he doesn’t argue with you. It’s because he knows the capitol won’t stop until one of you is dead. You wrap your fingers around his free hand, squeezing it, “Together, okay?”

Mark bites his lip, “Are you sure?”

You nod in confirmation, “On 3.”

Mark shudders under your touch, holding the berries up to his lips, “Together.”

In your heads, you count from 1.. Then 2.. And when you’re about to toss your heads back, the canon in the sky booms and it makes you and Mark snap your heads up.

“Tributes from district 12! Stop!”

+scene 3: INTERIOR. DISTRICT 13-- DAY (JOHNNY’S WEDDING): “Family”

District 13. The rebels have resided here ever since the Capital issued war on the districts. They burnt 12 to the ground. They killed everyone and destroyed your home with fire bombs, nothing left but ashes and death. President Snow. God, you hated the man. He kills everyone and everything that teems with life, making them suffer a slow and torturous death. To punish you, he turned Mark into a weapon. He took Mark from you during the quarter quell and hijacked him so that whenever he sees your face, he goes rabid. The fear in his mind takes him over every time, there is no soft, innocent glow anymore. The boy you see in that medical cubicle is not the real Mark. He is not the one who you love. 

Snapping out of your thoughts, you’re transported back to Johnny and Annie’s wedding. Silly, isn’t it? To have a wedding during a war. It unifies people in the midst of the chaos yet the comfortability doesn't last long when you know Snow is alive. He will not stop at anything. You catch your mother and Jungwoo, your older brother dancing in the middle of the floor under the canopy that’s full of fresh flowers and foliage. 

Jungwoo motions you over, a smile slashed on his lips as his bright, blond hair bounces whenever he twirls your mother around. She’s laughing too, she looks so happy that it pains you to know that you’re planning to leave. You have to make Snow pay for all the people he’s hurt. This meant Mark. He stripped Mark of his identity and altered his memories and it made you seethe in anger. Still, you enter the dance floor as you answer Jungwoo's call, taking his warm hand in yours. 

You always thought that Jungwoo’s eyes are kind. Out of both of you, Jungwoo had always been the bright one. You always protected him. Your mother joined a circle with the other women, spinning their skirts in a circular motion to the beat of the claps and violin notes. Jungwoo sways with you, teeth gleaming between his pink lips, “What are you thinking about, y/n?”

You shake your head, faking him a small smile, “Nothing, Woo. Just, tired.”

“You should really get some rest. We have time before Coin mobilizes.”

You squeeze his hand, intertwining your fingers, “Woo, could I tell you something?”

Jungwoo raises an eyebrow, his voice floating out in a sing-songy tune, “What is it, y/n?”

Your eyes fall to the prim rose that is pinned to his simple suit, the ivory on the petals matching his hair. 

You look at him, closing the gap to hug him, “I love you, you know? I need you.”

Jungwoo laughs, rubbing his hand down your back and patting your head innocently, “What’s gotten into you? Did someone put herbs in your drink?”

You snuggle deeper into the Jungwoo, holding him tight, “You’re my brother. I care about you. I just need you to know.”

Jungwoo giggles nodding, “You’re my baby sister. I’ll always protect you, you know that. Is something wrong?”

You muster a small smile, “Not at all. Not at all.”

Little did Jungwoo know, you’d be leaving him for the front lines in the morning.

+scene 4: INTERIOR. DISTRICT 13 --NIGHT: “Lies”

It’s the first time you’ve seen Mark since district 13 has taken you, Johnny, and Jaehyun. The capitol poached Mark, Johanna, and Annie like burglars, sabotaging a rebel plan to undermine their precious President. The last thing you remember is being told that Jaehyun volunteered to rescue Mark with 3 other soldiers from the rebel side. He was doing it for you. You knew that. You spot Jaehyun leaning by a wooden door, your heart pounding out of your chest.

Breathless, you inhale, “Oh my god, you’re okay.”

Jaehyun wraps his arms around you, embracing you tightly. You’re sure he presses a light kiss to the crown of your hair, “He’s inside.”

You detach from him, rubbing your thumb over the knuckle of his hand, “Thank you.”

He nods. When you leave him, he almost looks sad. He looks wilted. You rush down the hall, thanking the other soldiers who rescued the remaining victors. To your left, you spot Annie running to Johnny as he picks her up to kiss her. Johanna sits on her hospital bed, scoffing when you pass by. She looks different. She looks thinner, scars run lines all over her skin. What did the capitol do to them? You finally arrive at the last door of the hallway. There’s something in the pit of your belly that shakes your nerves. You’re hesitant. Is Mark really here in district 13? A soldier nods at you, opening the door for you to enter. It’s a glass window, space to view into the hospital room. That’s when you see him. Your heart absolutely drops. Mark sits on his hospital bed. His black hair is streaked with grey. His neck is inhumanely bruised with purple slashes. The dark circles around his eyes make it seem like he hasn’t slept in years. He’s different because the capitol tortured information out of him. And it breaks your heart. He’s hurting. Haymitch eyes you, your mentor ever since the first games.

“We’re lucky that Jaehyun got Mark out when he did. Otherwise, they would’ve all been dead.”

Mark sees you through the transparent glass, his onyx eyes absent of the boy who was once your friend, your partner- the part you loved. Gingerly, dressed in a hospital gown, Mark gets up. He treads on his toes, staring right back at you through the glass. You press your hand to the viewing window, hoping that Mark will smile and reassure you it’s alright. You want him to be alright. He doesn’t. He unleashes it all from within him. He screams at the top of his lungs, beating the glass with his fists. The fiber glass doesn’t break. But Mark’s changes scare you, causing you to flinch and trip backwards. Mark’s eyes are rimmed red, and spit is flying out of his mouth from his shouting. You had never seen him so angry. You’re so shocked you can’t register the words that shoot out of his mouth. Haymitch stands next to you, arms crossed. He doesn’t look surprised.

Haymitch sighs, “The capitol used tracker jacker venom on him. They used you as the image of fear to extract information and brainwash him.”

And you feel as if all the noise in district 13 fades into white static. All you can tune in is to Mark’s violent words. He’s screaming to you that you’re a liar and you’re a mutt- meant to kill for district 13. He screams how you’ll end up hurting Jungwoo and Jaehyun, and all the people you love. You take off running. Haymitch calls for you, but you can't hear his voice  through the sear. It’s all in slow motion, and you can hear how your heart cracks inside of you.

At night, Mark’s taunts haunt you whenever you close your eyes. You sit up in your bed, unable to sleep. You want to see Mark’s face. You want to look him in the eyes. You’re desperate for any sign he still exists. Jungwoo seems to hear your rustling from the frame of the bunkbed, your mother sleeping in the bed next to you.

“You awake?”

You freeze at the sound of Jungwoo’s voice, tense.

“Yeah. Going to see him.”

Jungwoo sits up too, rubbing his eyes, “Mark?”

You sigh, “Yeah.”

Jungwoo watches you lace your shoes.

“I’m coming with you.”

You bite your lip, “Are you sure?”

“I can’t sleep either. Mind as well.”

“Okay.”

Jungwoo climbs down the ladder, putting on his own shoes. You’re both careful not to wake your mother, slinking through the empty halls of district 13. Jungwoo keeps pace with you as you glance at the empty hospital cubicles. It looks all too eerie. Finally you arrive at the last door one again. The corridor is lit by blue lights, casting a light blue glow on the tiles. Mark lies in his hospital bed, strapped down with leather belts. He stays unmoving, empty eyes pointed to the ceiling. And all you can do is watch him. Jungwoo watches him too.

“They must’ve really messed him up. I feel bad for him.”

You try to stop yourself from crying, “I know.”

Jungwoo sighs, “The doctors said they’re working on conditioning him. So that he gets better. He’s not gone forever.”

Jungwoo wraps a protective arm around you, allowing you to rest your cheek against his shoulder.

“I miss him. I miss Mark.”

Jungwoo rubs your shoulder with his thumb, just like he always does, “I’m sure he misses you too.”

You both watch Mark begin to struggle against his restraints, his cries of frustration reverberating against the white walls of the room.

+scene 5: INTERIOR. BELOW THE CAPITAL-- NIGHT: “Johnny’s Sacrifice”

---START OF FLASHBACK 

Back in the quarter quell, meeting Johnny was unique to say the least. He was the tallest among the victors. Handsome, cocky, and his eyes always burned with a glare, a fire that is never stoked. He always glanced with a smirk on his pink lips, golden hair slicked in suave waves. Gleaming golden boy of the capita-- heartthrob from the violent, malicious hunger games. He was untouchable. Everyone showered him with praise and gold costumes, a trident that was fit for poseidon. 

“Well, look who it is.. the infamous y/n. What an honor.”

You turn to face the man who stands behind you, his voice smooth like butter. You almost detest it. 

“What do you want Johnny?”

Johnny moves his bang out of his eye, raising his eyebrow, “Nothing, darling. Just came over to pay my respects.” 

You scoff at him, “I don’t think that’s the real reason why you’re here.” 

You hear Johnny chew something, a sugar cube resting between the pad of his index fingers. He hums in delight, “You know, these sugar cubes are supposed to be for the horses but, they’re sweet on my tongue. Would you like one?”

Johnny hold out a sugar cube to you, his tongue swiping his lips. You mutter, “Stay out of my way, Johnny.”

“Hmm. You’ll regret not taking that sugar cube my dear. It’s a different playing field now.”

You adjust the itchy harness on your costume, watching Johnny toss you a knowing look over his shoulder, a sinister smile on his lips.

After the quarter quell, you had gotten time to know Johnny for who he is. His partner, Mags, an elderly woman, volunteered for Annie during the selection. Surprisingly, Mags had made it quite far. Johnny was always on his toes, eyes darting in between the trees, trident searing through the fallen foliage on the ground. He guarded her like her life depended on it, which it did. The killing games were no place for an elderly woman, especially one who couldn’t defend herself. When you and Mark had run into Johnny and Mags in the forest, a thick, musty white fog crept along the trees like a blanket of foggy acid- burning everything and everyone it could reach. But you didn’t know that until you reached out your hand. It was only until your skin started to bubble and you realized you were screaming in pain, it felt like you were being burnt alive. Johnny screamed at Mags to get on his back, her calloused hands wrapped around his neck and his shoulders. Mark ran behind you, his hand guiding along the small of your bag to almost push you to run faster. The fog was quickly catching up. You heard Johnny scream Mag’s name, crying out for her as you looked back behind you to see what was happening. You couldn’t believe it. Willingly, she walked into the fog herself- knowing there was no chance she could make it out of the games alive. She was slowing Johnny down and she loved him too much to do that. He crouched on a mound of soil, hands cradling his head as he cried. His sobs morphed into screams as the fog was beginning to consume him. You tear back in his direction, Mark begging you to wait but you don’t. Instead, with all your might, you drag Johnny eleven though his weight is too heavy. He lifts himself up with you, stumbling over his feet as the fog begins to burn the neck of your skin. You scream, tears forming in your eyes and it’s like you want to claw off the blistering texture but you can’t because it’s so painful. Mark comes bounding for you both, the fog burning his skin too. He lets out a pained sound, struggling to haul both of you. 

With your last bit of strength, you, Mark, and Johnny attempt to bound through the forest, tripping over each other as you collapse onto the ground. The soil irritates your burns, causing you to grit your teeth. Luckily, the invisible barrier starts to glow white, the misty fog hitting against the barrier, blocking it from reaching you. You had crossed the border in time. You would’ve been dead. Still, it feels like your skin is being torched off and there's no end to the pain. That is until you see a glimmer of a reflection in front of you. Water. You drag your body,  telling Mark and Johnny to do the same. The water begins to cool your skin and it makes you sigh, relief to the sear of the burns. You, Mark, and Johnny got lucky. You managed to survive. 

---END OF FLASHBACK 

In current time, the rebels have issued a plan to besiege the capitol. The game-makers run the capitol like it’s their own chess board, except it's another game of death. You, Johnny, Mark, and the others decided to move underground to be less visible and less chances of being attacked. Though, you should have known the game-makers would catch on quickly. Snow would stop at nothing to kill the mockingjay’s allies.

The underground chambers of the capital are basically the sewer system. You, Johnny, Mark, Jaehyun, and the others trudge in the darkness, reaching for the walls of the sewer chambers for balance. The air reeked of muddy water and mold, and whatever sludge that stuck to the bottom of your shoes. You lead the pack, Jaehyun hot on your tail and the others follow behind. That’s when you hear Cressida’s scream. You whip your head back, your eyes widened to the sight of Cressida firing into the darkness, sewer mutts launching themselves forward in waves.

She screams, “Go! Go! Go!”

You wade through the water as fast as you can, moving your legs with force. Your heart is thundering in your ears. You feel dizzy and your grip on your bow tightens. You hear someone else scream, Pollux’s brother is dragged by a sewer mutt, the smell of blood and garbage is making you sick. You keep running, Johnny trying to stay behind to help the man. It’s too late. Cressida urges Johnny to keep moving forward, he pushes Mark to move even faster. You scream at the top of your lungs, “Where the fuck are we going?!”

Jaehyun urges you on, “Don’t stop running! Just keep going!”

Your legs are starting to betray you. Still, you painfully dodge through a series of sewer tunnels, hoping that the game makers don’t send sewer mutts down your path. Finally, there is an exit chamber in the center lobby of the tunnels. The only problem is, sewer mutts pour in through each opening. They look like rabid dogs with no faces, just sharp, pointy teeth. You spot the middle platform that secures a ladder up to the exit hatch. Before you can even start grabbing the rungs, sewer mutts surround you. You load your arrow into your bow, shooting off fire bombs at the mutts. Some fall into the water with a screech. From your side view, Jaehyun is firing at them with his crossbow and Johnny’s busy using his trident to skewer their bodies. But where is Mark? You see Mark’s body is half submerged in water in an attempt to roll the mutt off him. In an immediate instinct, you make a running start and tackle the mutt off him, your body crashing into a current of sewer water. A mutt in the murks screeches underwater, grabbing ahold of your foot. You try to shake it off, running out of breath. It doesn’t budge. You reach behind you to grab your last spear arrow, driving it into the chest of the mutt as hard as you can muster. When it loosens its grip, sinking to the bottom of the trench, you feel a pair of strong arms lift you up. The arms drag you back onto the platform, it’s Mark. Before Mark can say anything, a mutt attacks him from behind, causing him to shout.

 You scream, “No!”

You grab an arrow from your canister that’s strapped to your back, shooting a specialized arrow at the mutt, causing it to drop dead on the platform. 

Mark sits up, shaking his head from the dizziness of being dragged around. He presses his hands to his eyes, gaining his breath. To your left, Cressida’s firing magazines at more mutts. There’s not time, there’s too many. 

“Jaehyun, get out of here! Grab Mark! Cressida you too!”

Johnny yells to Cressida and Jaehyun, “I’ll cover for you!”

Jaehyun and Cressida waste no time. Cressida starts to climb the ladder upwards, Jaehyun picks Mark up with ease. Mark protests, “We can’t leave y/n here! Y/n!”

You scream back, fending more mutts, “Just go! I’ll be right behind you!”

You hear Jaehyun urge Mark to follow Cressida. He does. You motion to Jaehyun, “Keep going! We’ll be there!”

Jaehyun gives you a somber look, biting his lip. He follows after Mark, clipping his bow onto his back. While you watch Jaehyun and Mark, you don’t realize it when a mutt chokeholds you from behind, dragging with such strong force. You scream, causing Johnny to whip around. 

“Y/n! I’m coming!”

Johnny swings his trident in a masterful move, injuring every mutt that comes from his left and right. Finally, he reaches you and stabs the mutt in the chest, lifting you before you can be submerged in the water again. 

“Y/n! Are you okay?”

You gain your breath, “I’m okay. I’m okay.”

Water wets Johnny’s blonde hair, his trident in his hand. He extends a hand to you, “Go with the others. I’ll be right there.”

You’re surprised that the mutts haven’t attacked during your whole conversation. Instead, they're beginning to encircle both of you in a slow, surround formation. There’s no time to argue. You make your way to the ladder, glancing back at Johnny. He nods. He continues to swing his trident at the mutts that surround him. When you’re high enough, you call out for Johnny. He backs up into the ladder as he starts to make his way up. But then, a mutt pounces on him, causing him to lose his purchase on the ladder.

“Johnny! Johnny!” You scream, reaching your hand out to him. It’s too late. He falls into the water again, screaming your name.  A swarm of mutts begin to swallow him up like a raging storm, you’re witnessing your friend be eaten alive. His scream is so violent, so painful. You cry out, screaming Johnny’s name over and over again. That’s when you remember the bomb that was built in case of emergencies. You unlock it, you say, “Nightlock. Nightlock. Nightlock.”

Dropping it down, It falls back down the ladder, fire exploding the platform and the pile of mutts that consume Johnny. You wouldn’t have wanted him to suffer. What will you tell Annie? How will you tell her that her husband, her child’s father is now dead? You climb up the ladder as tears stream down your cheeks, it makes your nose runny. Soon, Jaehyun lifts you out of the narrow shaft.

+scene 6: INTERIOR. DISTRICT 13 BUNKER -- NIGHT: “Drunken Kiss”

You lean your head against the sidebar of the ladder on your shared bunk bed. Air strikes continue to boom over district 13, causing people to murmur in worry. The capitol had launched a surprise attack on district 13. Luckily, Mark had warned Coin in time, though he’ll get punished for it. You yearn for his warm, calloused hand. You yearn for the crack in his voice, innocent and soft. His laugh reminds you of the summer time and his eyes are deep, just like you could fall into them. Your thoughts are disrupted by Jaehyun. The man plops onto the mattress next to you, his ears and cheeks reddened. He smells of liquor.

“Jae, have you been drinking?” 

Jaehyun hiccups a little, a frown scribbled on his face, “What if I told you I was? Just a little. I was off duty.”

You playfully punch him in the shoulder, “We’re hiding in a bunker with all these people and you decided to drink now?”

Jaehyun narrows his eyes, running a hand through his hair, “Can you blame me? You’re being distant. It’s because he isn’t here, right?”

You freeze at his words, turning towards him, “Jaehyun..”

Jaehyun shakes his head, “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that. I sound so bitter.”

You watch him rub a hand over his eyes as if that will wake him up a little more. You scoot closer to him. He searches you for answers, he doesn’t find any. You take it upon yourself. You need a distraction. You grab his face forcefully, kissing him with faux fervor. Jaehyun scrunches his eyebrows, reciprocating the kiss before pulling you onto his lap. You feel him fold his lips over your bottom lip, hot hands running through your hair. Jaehyun moans into the kiss before detaching from you, shaking his head, “This is wrong.”

He knows you so well, he senses it. You swipe your hand to wipe your lips. Jaehyun sighs, “I’m the one who’s drunk but why does it feel like I’m sober?”

“What do you mean? I told you how I felt about you. I love you Jae, I just-”

Jaehyun’s eyes are disappointed but expectant, “You love Mark more. I felt it on your lips. It didn’t feel real.”

You’re taken aback by Jaehyun’s words. Yet at the same time, he knows. He knows. Tears begin to well up in your eyes, “I’m sorry. I do mean it, I care about you. I really love you.”

Jaehyun places his hand over yours before squeezing, “I know. It’s okay.”

Jaehyun lets go, cold air hitting your skin, “I should help Coin with night watch.”

And just like that, Jaehyun’s gone. Mark isn’t here. Jungwoo sits next to you instead, coming back from where your mother sits. He doesn’t say a word. He uses his hand to usher you to rest your head on his lap. It’s like somehow without saying, he knows. The bombs continue to shake the arsenal, and the lights start to dim in and out.

+scene 7: INTERIOR. SNOW’S MANSION-- DAY (AFTER THE ATTACK ON THE CAPITAL): “Goodbye Jaehyun”

“You never came to see me.”

You sit in your leather chair, your hands discarded in your lap. Everything runs through your mind in a series of black and white reels, the siege on the Capitol. You remember people dying in front of your eyes, bombs of fire exploding down from the sky. You remember seeing Jungwoo, your older brother as he tried to heave people away from the fires and the wreckage. His eyes looked so soft then. His hair blew in the smoke, ashes dusted on his cheeks. And then the blast happened. Everything became white, your eardrums bled with white noise. It made the bile in your stomach rise, your head shaking from the impact. Then, you woke up in Snow’s mansion. 

Jaehyun enters the room, still dressed in his rebellion uniform. His head hangs low, eyes stuck on the carpet. He looks like he’s going to be sick. 

He mumbles, tears forming in his eyes, “I wanted to. Trust me.”

“So, why didn’t you? Where were you?”

Jaehyun’s biting his lip so hard it bleeds red. He sniffles through his nose, tears running down his cheeks, “I.. couldn’t… I failed. I promised I would protect your family and I couldn’t do that.”

When you look at Jaehyun, the boy you’ve grown up with your entire life, you see him. You see your older brother’s face and it makes the knot in your stomach tangle itself even further. You see Jungwoo’s figure being consumed in the flames, unable to run- unable to escape. 

You grip the armrest, nails digging into the leather fabric, “Were they ours? The bombs. Tell me Coin didn’t give the order. Tell me it was the Capitol. Tell me it was Snow.”

Jaehyun is silent. His eyes don’t meet yours. He plants his feet, not coming anywhere near to you. It’s enough to confirm his answer.

You ask, “Was it you?”

“I’m s-sorry. I-I’m so sorry.”

You remember Snow’s voice echoing in your head, Coin had manipulated district 13 into bombing capitol children to cause more deaths- unnecessary deaths. Jungwoo’s death. All the medics who were sent out to help civilians are dead too.

You scrape your nails along the leather, boiling with anger as tears threaten to spill out of the dam, “Goodbye Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun doesn’t hesitate to leave. He turns heel quickly, sniffling from his tears. Shutting the cedar wood door behind him, you’re left alone in the cold air of Snow’s desolate mansion.

+scene 8: EXTERIOR. DISTRICT 12 VICTOR’S VILLAGE -- DAY: “I’m Here”

Now that the war is over, Snow and Coin are dead. Two people who craved power, now killed by the mark of the people- it’s a sign of freedom. It’s a symbol for the breaking of the chains that dictatorship has placed upon Panem. There was only one thing left to do. You didn’t want to stay in the Capitol, not to live a rich life now that you’ve lost your brother. You’ve lost Mark and Jaehyun. Effie and your mother promised they would help the other council members rebuild. So, you and Haymitch took the train home. Or, at least whatever was left of district 12. Haymitch takes the house next to the victors’ manor, just as he had during the games. No flowers grow in the garden anymore, the dirt mixed in with ash and soot. The sky is grey and it makes your heart all the more heavy. You must clear your head. You grab your canister of arrows and your bow, heading off to the meadow by the woods. It’s different, walking the path alone. The sun sets over the horizon just above the tip of the mountains. The world is so vast, you can’t but help wonder what’s out there. 

Running among the trees, foliage brushing your skin makes you feel free. The light shines through the leaves, it’s warm. It’s like Mark. It feels like your brother’s smile. It feels like Jaehyun’s touch. You run as far as your legs can take you, your grip tight on your bow. At the bottom of the hill, you spot a stag along with a baby deer grazing on overgrown grass. You sit on a rock for a while, watching the stag and the baby. You have no intention of hunting it. It hasn’t done anything to harm you, there’s no reason to take it’s life. You’re tired of it, watching death. The tears just come bursting like a dam. You scream for your brother, you miss Jungwoo the most. You miss his gummy smile and the way he’d cling to you, the way he’d comfort you when things have gone bad. The more you think of Mark’s name in your head, it causes you to break even farther. Grief is a sad, bone-crushing weight. The stag and the baby deer are long gone. 

Walking the dirt path out of the woods is lonely. The sky thunders a little, it might rain. There’s nothing but trees, grass, and daisies that grow on little stems in between the rocks. By the time you make it back to the victors’ village, you assume Haymitch is either in the shower or sleeping. But that’s when you stop. A figure is hunched over by the garden, a figure whose back is turned to you. Black hair shines under the gold sun. It can’t be. You drop your bow and your canister of arrows to the ground.

“Mark?”

And he’s right there. Mark turns around, slapping his soil-covered hands together. He stands up, eye-level to you. And he smiles so much that his teeth show, “Y/n.”

You waste no time pulling him in for an embrace, inhaling his mint scent. You feel like you could cry, thinking you had lost him forever. Mark keeps his hold on you, “I’m here now. I’m sorry for keeping you waiting.”

You shake your head, tears pricking the corners of your eyes. Mark detaches from you, wiping your tears with his thumb, “I’ll be right with you. I just need your help to remember, yeah?”

You nod, understanding that Mark hasn’t fully recovered from the tracker jacker venom. Mark takes hold of your hand, ushering to crouch beside him. He places your hands on top of a dirt mound, using his own hands to press it down. 

He smiles, “I found some yellow daisies by the forest. Jungwoo really liked these, right?”

You stare back at him, eyes widened. You nod in confirmation. You waste no time to press a chaste peck to Mark’s dirt covered cheek, “Thank you.”

Mark giggles, his cheeks moving upwards as he grins. 

The next few months are peaceful. You, Mark, and Haymitch eat dinner together every night in the manor. When there are rainy days, you open the front door, your back against one side of the door frame and Mark on the other. The glow of the rain illuminates the shine in Mark’s eyes, laughing as he sticks his hand out in the rain. The sound of Haymitch playing the piano thrums in the background as you continue to watch Mark smile at the rain, flicking some water at you. In the night, you toss over and over in your bed. So, you grab your candle holder and tread in the quiet of the dark to Mark’s room. He lies on the mattress spread out, eyes peacefully closed. The sight makes your heart beat slow. You set down the candle on the night stand, removing the covers so you’re able to slip in by Mark. Automatically, he wraps an arm around you, a small noise slips from his lips. Half asleep, Mark asks, “You love me, real or not real?”

You answer him, softly, “Real.”

It causes Mark to face you, rolling over, eyes fully open. He reaches his hand up to caress your cheek, only illuminated by the soft light of the candle, “I love you, y/n.”

“I know Mark. I know.” 

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

your tags on my post slapped me across the face. yes fucking yes. the fall from academic grace hits a whole lot harder when you've been excessively built up and built up for years and then come crashing down. i constantly feel like im letting everyone and younger self down. the whole thing about IDENTITY is so true too! x adhd-vibes

Well, your post came into my house and punched me in the gut, so...

But no, I really genuinely appreciate posts talking about the gifted child + neurodivergence duality because it’s... a lot. And I feel like I’m only just starting to understand-- well, my entire life, basically. 

My entire life past the age of ~13 has been a constant up and down of thriving and burnout, a lot of self loathing and doubt over my perceived failure, and a lot of depression and anxiety. And I just found out last year that a fair portion of it can likely be chalked up to the fact that I’ve had ADHD my entire life, my parents found out when I was four years old, and no one told me. 

I started kindergarten at four. I was already reading chapter books. I’d finish reading the assignments before the teacher even finished handing them out, and be up and causing distractions because I was bored. They talked about bumping me to second grade, but I was already the youngest in my class and they didn’t want to create more of an age gap. 

I did first grade half in English, half in Japanese to keep me “challenged”. The Japanese teacher hated that I was so young, and after a while refused to teach me. 

My second grade teacher made a rule that I could sit any way I liked, or move around however I wanted, so long as I could touch my desk. 

My third grade teacher set up a play area for students who finished their work early, and I spent most of my time there. 

My fourth grade teacher recommended fantasy novels and read to us during downtime. 

My fifth grade teacher helped me and my friends start a writing club, and she’d read our short stories and give us notes so we could work on our drafts when we were done with our schoolwork. 

And then sixth grade and algebra happened and I could not for the life of me do the assignments well. I worked with friends in a study group. I had three different math teachers try to help me, in case one clicked differently. They’d watch me do the work, step by step, and one of two things would happen: 

1. Either I’d do the work perfectly, but the answer was entirely wrong and they couldn’t figure out why 

or

2. I’d do the work all wrong, but get the right answer every time. 

But since you had to show your work for full credit, I went from a straight A student to mostly A’s and a C in math, no matter what I did. 

My self esteem tanked. Most of my memories from middle school are of sitting alone at the dining room table sobbing because I felt stupid, and like a failure, and I just wanted to die, and sitting at a table focusing on only one thing with no background noise or stimulation was torture in and of itself. I finally got my mom to let me listen to the radio while I worked, and it helped a little, but night after night I’d sit there, sob through my math homework, and wish to disappear. 

All of the self-loathing and stress manifested into extreme anxiety. I started washing my hands constantly, because that I could control. My hands cracked and bled. I kept washing. 

I started self harming, and my mom found out and took me to see a therapist (who is still my therapist to this day), and I was diagnosed with OCD and Major Depressive Disorder, as well as Seasonal Affective Disorder.

By the time high school started, the handwashing had mostly stopped but still flared up again occasionally, and I was on track to graduate with highest honors following the “College Prep Honors” curriculum track. I made the National Honor Society, and did student government as well as zero hour choir and drama. I took Honors English and excelled. 

But to complete the degree, I’d have to take Algebra I freshman year, Algebra II Honors sophomore year, Algebra III/Trig junior year, and Calculus senior year. 

I got a C in Algebra I. I lost my National Honor Society status because of the GPA drop. I quit student government because I was ashamed. 

I was told to drop Algebra II Honors two weeks in, because I was going to fail the class. This meant I would not get the diploma I wanted, but the secondary “College Prep” diploma. 

I fell into a deep depression, decided I was stupid, and stopped trying. My report cards after that for the rest of high school were an assortment of A’s, B’s, C’s, even a D or two. I hated myself for not living up to my potential, for being a disappointment to my parents, for being so stupid. 

I went back to therapy. I graduated high school. I went to college. I burnt out. 

I took a gap year because I was suicidal and didn’t know what to do. I went back to therapy. 

I transferred to a university. I burnt out. I dropped out, because I was suicidal and didn’t know what to do. I went back to therapy. 

And when I was 27 years old, I found a box of old school stuff from elementary school, and as my mom and I laughed about it she told me that an administrator who specialized in identifying attention deficit disorders had observed me in kindergarten at the request of my teacher because I was causing distractions, told them that he was entirely certain I had what was at the time called ADD... and not to have me officially diagnosed in order to keep it out of my school record and avoid any “challenges to my desired educational path”.  

Teachers were told, and chosen specifically to work with me and not against me, which I appreciate greatly. 

I was never told. 

On the one hand, I can see how my parents just didn’t want me to go through life believing I had something “wrong” with me, didn’t want me to be held back from pursuing any classes I wanted to take because of my “diagnosis”, and didn’t want me to be “unnecessarily medicated”. I appreciate the time and care that went into trying to guide me along and give me safe environments to be my authentic self without being told it was a hindrance or a “problem”. 

But the more I learn the more I can’t help but wish someone had told me. 

Because I spent the last 16 years of my life thinking that somewhere along the way I had “lost” something, or “failed”, and really it was a pretty predictable and manageable sequence of events. 

I’ve since learned that a lot of the things I’ve always done that I’ve felt uncomfortable or “odd” about... are stims. Minor ones, but stims, nonetheless. 

I’ve since learned that I was bullied pretty severely for being “weird” in elementary school, but I have no memory of it. 

I’ve since learned that dyscalculia is thing, and very well could have contributed to my ongoing struggle with math. 

And for the rest of my life I will wonder if knowing would have changed anything. If my depression is a side effect of this thing I didn’t know about myself, or a separate piece of me. Who I might have been if my entire identity wasn’t tied to my perceived sudden loss of intelligence and potential. 

Anyway. I’ve rambled quite enough. If anyone wants to talk about any of this, or vent, or ask questions, feel free. This is the post we are referring to, by the by.