#I had to do the accidental baby acquisition one cause I thought it was funny how much that fit them

[kendrysaneela]

Doctor Odyssey Text Posts 39/?

[phoenixyfriend]

Yet Another “Deidara is Related to Naruto” Fic Concept

Okay so you know how Deidara is the only person in canon to share Naruto and Minato's highlighter yellow hair? And there's all those fics where Dei is Naruto's half brother?

So let’s flip that a bit.

(Once again with help from @firebirdeternal​)

Thought being this: Minato was an Iwa infiltrator's mission baby, and Dei is Minato's ludicrously younger half-sibling who ends up in Minato's care for hand-wave reasons.

Ends up screwing the whole plot because Minato and his team have to pass on the Kannabi mission due to Infant Acquisition.

(Minato having to deal with "Explosions!" the Toddler is... really funny. Kakashi and Obito don't have a Dramatic Death-based falling out they just have to bond over babysitting the world's least safe child.)

I have two (2) ideas on how Deidara ends up in Minato's care. One is more of a shitpost than the other.

We’ll start with the Serious Drama idea.

There was an Iwa nin that went undercover in Konoha at some point, slept around a bit, got someone pregnant, and dipped before they had to take responsibility. Said Iwa nin was aware of the kid, but also like. Undercover. And also a dick. And like sixteen.

Anyway, Minato's mom never told him about his dad beyond "he was a jerk who ditched us, I don't have photos," and then died on a mission when Minato was relatively young, so Minato didn't know just WHERE his dad was from.

Fast forward a solid twenty-five years or so, and that Iwa nin has gotten married. Iwa nin is now early forties, married a somewhat younger woman (thirties), and caused a pregnancy, this time with the intent to stick around.

Unfortunately, Iwa nin is a shitty husband, and his wife only realizes this most of the way into the pregnancy, and can't just divorce him, because she's clan (the husband is not), and that sort of thing has Social Consequences. So she does something risky... and fakes her death.

And then proceeds to go to Konoha, because she knows about Minato, even saw a pic and got his name once because her husband got a little tipsy once and talked about it, and admitted that he'd gotten a buddy in infiltration to snap a photo a few years back.

And so Deidara's mom sneaks her way across the continent, and dies shortly before or after arriving in Konoha. It’s somewhere the dad won't follow if he realizes she's alive, and because what little she's heard about Minato at that point is generally not terrible. The war hasn't ramped up enough for him to pull The Bullshit, so all she has is the info that the infiltration buddies got her husband.

Definitely lives long enough to provide a name and basic info on who the relative is, but dies before Minato gets back from a mission.

Alternately, Jiraiya is the one who does the intelligence legwork necessary to figure out all the connections and then drops Baby Deidara in Minato's lap because Family is Important to orphans like them but then also does nothing to help because he is Jiraiya.

AND NOW THE CRACK OPTION

So most of the How Babies Happen backstory is technically the same, but Deidara arriving in Konoha is not an intentional situation, but rather a sealing mishap.

As one does.

Kushina just wanted to use a seal to locate other Uzumaki survivors and Minato figured he'd test it first since his chakra is less volatile and whoops.

Minato: Hey, maybe I'll find out who my dad is!

The seal was supposed to just give them a general direction and distance. Like "36.2 miles, 32.3 degrees east of north. 73.9 miles, 2.5 degrees south of west." etc

It was not supposed to reverse summon An Entire Baby.

Note, Deidara’s exploding chakra is a kekkei genkai that I'm saying he got from his mom because Minato doesn't have it, but the hands are likely the kinjutsu. That said, I want Minato to be like "Ah. Hand mouths. That's... can someone get Tsunade please?"

Kushina: I'm not an expert on babies, so I could be wrong, but is this normal??

Kushina: I deeply hope that was a thing the baby already had before we accidentally pulled it through seal-space.

Kushina: His hair is like yours? Maybe he's like a cousin or a nephew? Minato: I guess??? Should. Should we figure out how to send him back? His parents must be freaking out. Kushina: Uhhhhhhh [handwave reason to keep the baby]

The scene HAS TO boil down to Kushina going "Wait shit are we parents now?"

Minato: No! I mean, I--I want to, yes, eventually, but I wasn't planning on anything this soon and really we should get married first and also I think this is technically my brother and--

I had two ideas for why they wouldn’t immediately try to send Dei back, and Birdie offered one, but here’s the best option IMO.

Deidara's chakra blows up the seal before they can figure out how to reverse what they did. Before they can even analyze what went wrong.

They kept notes but something something spilled ink idk. They gotta start from scratch.

Equally likely: They kept notes but they're basically grad students and those notes were all done in a caffeine-fueled 36-hour Coding Binge and literally not even Master-Sealer-Master-Codebreaker Jiraiya can decipher what the fuck they were doing, let alone them.

Frankly they just can't unscramble this egg so they have to just Do Their Best

They have to get a blood test done by Tsunade or Oro to figure out who this kid even is. The hair helps but??? Whomst are you, child?

And then Jiraiya's like 'Yeah, I know those hands. Kid's from Iwa.'

And the war’s already underway so they can’t admit to accidentally stealing an Iwa child.

There's not really a way to say "Hey we accidentally kidnapped this baby" and still save political face because nobody is going to believe it was an accident anyways so? I guess we just have this baby now.

Probably there’s a name tag on his shirt or something so he’s still Deidara.

Kushina: Minato, seriously, you're old enough to be the baby's dad, just have him call you tou-chan. Minato: But!!! Kushina: We can make Uzumaki babies later, take care of your technically-brother baby now.

Naruto is born and Kushina's just like "How strong are your family's hair genes???"

Technically-uncle Deidara who is like Naruto's older brother is going to be the worst influence on the Chaos baby.

Never let Obito babysit.

Naruto: I want to do pranks. Deidara: I want to explosions. Obito: Seems reasonable. Let's do it!

Anyway, Obito and Deidara never know what kind of ‘friendship’ they had in the other timeline.

Meanwhile, Rin is so ready to help, like she’s not exactly a huge fan of babies or kids, not like Obito is, but she is determined to help and keeps looking up child growth charts and stuff.

Kakashi is terrified that he’s going to break a baby.

Kakashi does not want to hold the baby.

Kakashi does not want to be in the same room as the baby.

Kakashi is going to sit on the outside wall with a sword and make sure nobody hurts the baby, but he will not go near the baby.

Deidara’s like four years older than Naruto and probably Kushina has him hang out with Itachi since Kushina visits Mikoto so often and Mikoto’s already had her first.

Deidara does not like Itachi.

It’s fine.

Being a 'new dad' doesn't excuse Minato from being involved in the war effort but it does change his schedule up enough to miss Kannabi and I stand by this.