#I had this overwhelming feeling of combustion bc I really needed a hug as I’m a bit triggered by things beyond my control

[thisischeri]

instagram: cheri.png

[neverluckygoldfish]

2 -

*trigger warning: substance abuse, depression, alcoholism*

I washed my hair today. Writing that out — it looks and feels silly to make that a win. Doesn’t everybody wash their hair, shower, brush their teeth, eat, sleep….everyday? It’s our basic needs that we learn as a child and somewhere along the lines, I lost control of all of them. I’ve struggled with all of these throughout my life, but for the past 2-5 years, they’ve really fallen off.

So yeah, I washed my hair. The big thing here is that I WANTED to. The thought of taking my clothes off, being naked, and the sensation of water on my skin didn’t fill me with extreme fear at being so vulnerable and exposed. And afterward? I felt good. I’d go so far as to say rejuvenated even. I looked forward to showering again tomorrow. Hi, it’s me and I am growing!!!!

After this, I’m going to brush my teeth. For the first time. In 10 days. I know, it’s disgusting but hey, that’s depression (no one said it was pretty).

I’ve been going to recovery meetings every day and reflecting on my life. How did I get to this point? I’m almost 30 and this is nowhere close to what I expected. I’m not entirely sure what I expected, actually. Sure — I have hopes and dreams, but I’ve also just floated along. My mom used to call me “a leaf in the wind”.

If you had asked me, before everything blew up last week — I would have told you that my life is not where I want it to be but “I’m working on it. No idea how I got here, but I’m handling it. Sure, I struggle with alcohol & drugs, but I can control it”. I can’t. That would have been a lie. And yet, I consider myself a pretty honest person.

Now, I realize that it wasn’t one massive spontaneous combustion, but a million little fires that were never put out, continually smoldering underneath throughout my life. That shit hurts to carry.

In AA, they talk a lot about God. Surrendering to Him, as you understand him. I’ll be honest, I have some mixed feelings about this God character. I’m a facts-based, evidence person. (Except when I’m feeling anxious or insecure, bc then I looooove to believe shit I have no basis for). I lean towards science/an agnostic view. Proof. I also tend to believe everything is meaningless. But I feel desperate lately, to surrender to something beyond myself. Because I tried surrendering to myself as I am and well, this me is all over the place and loves to get high lol.

I’d like to think of God as a greater power, but within myself. A greater She that I haven’t been able to tap into. Because of unprocessed childhood trauma, which left me feeling alone with no sense of self-esteem. That instead of reaching inwardly for Her, I chose to cloud my thoughts, feelings, and view of the world with drinking & drugs. No self-judgment here. It was just easier and in a way, it was what I knew. But I’m starting to believe in Her. She, who is truly honest, resilient, kind, and compassionate. Each day, I get closer to reconciling the greater She with me as I am today.

I’m feeling more and more chipper as each new day comes. But I also feel an undercurrent of anxiety growing. I try to take it one day at a time. But I get so restless and easily overwhelmed, then I spiral & I don’t know what to do with myself. My therapist says “Young lady, you need to stay busy or you’ll get into trouble”. But my ADHD brain says I DON’T WANT TO PLAN. EW GROSS WORK!!!

And, in the spirit of honesty, I’m eating some sour skittles for breakfast. It’s progress, not perfection people! Don’t worry, I’m also drinking a protein shake too bc like, health.

I’ll make it a point to end these with one thing I am grateful for/one thing that has brought me a glimpse of happiness:

I got my first AA chip! My first meeting, I was the only newcomer. It was Friday night & there were people of all sobriety ages. I cried. I felt so brittle, so broken and at rock bottom. Everyone in that meeting, I mean literally EVERYONE, welcomed me with open arms (read: actual hugs) & told me to hang in there. I’ve never felt so comforted, and by strangers nonetheless.

Sincerely, I.

[come-on-shitty-boys]

//accidental irritations. akasshi keiji//

Request: hello!! Can I request what a first fight would be like with akaashi? From angst to fluff Bc my heart,,,, 😔🤚

Warnings: swearing

Word Count: 1.9K

Notes: someone put this baby to sleep please ;-;

You weren’t sure why you were surprised.  You knew your boyfriend well enough to know that this was something he would do.  He worked hard, you knew that.  He was ambitious and you knew that too.  He had a bad habit of not knowing when to stop, so the general negative aura that surrounded the setter should’ve been your sign that he was overworking himself again.  

Akaashi did this every now and then, especially around finals time.  He would stay up for hours, scanning his textbooks for anything that he might have missed that could possibly be on the test, copying his notes all over again into a separate notebook (he always that the repetition helped him, you just thought it was extra), flipping through stacks and stacks of flashcards until he got them all right.  He’d average around three hours of sleep a night unless someone physically made him go to bed and even then he would find himself tossing and turning for hours on end, unable to find the confines of sleep.  

But, seeing you boyfriend just, sort of, crumple onto the gym floor?  Well, it was not at all what you were expecting from your calm Thursday afternoon.  A stunned silence had fallen over the gym, everyone in complete shock that their composed setter just went down as easily as a sandcastle being washed away by incoming waves.  And when Akaashi didn’t move for a few seconds?  That’s when the mutual panic set in.  Sneakers all running over, frantic questions being shouted from the members.  “What happened?” “Did he hit his head?” “Should we call an ambulance?”  “Is he breathing?”  “Where’s Coach?”

You pushed your way through the group of boys, kneeling down next to Keiji’s body.  You would’ve loved to have been more help, but the worry took over you and all you could remember from your first aid training was how to properly apply gauze.  There was a cool rag pushed into your hands by one of the other managers to be applied to his forehead.  

“Keiji,” you say, tapping his cheek with your finger.  No response.  You can feel your heart pounding in your chest, the desperation rising in your throat as you repeat his name.  “Keiji!”

His face contorts into discomfort, eyelids stuttering as his eyes shift beneath them.  Slowly, his lids start to open and he’s squinting into the bright overhead lights of the gymnasium.  Akaashi pushes himself into a sitting position, taking the cloth from his head, Konoha’s hand on his bicep in an attempt to keep the setter steady.  It takes a minute before he even says anything, just taking in the distressed expressions that formed a circle around him.  “I’m fine.”

“Dude, you’re really not.”

“Yeah.  Fine people don’t just pass out.”

“Akaashi, you should probably go home.”

There was a pounding in Akaashi’s temple, only further worsened by loud echoing concerns of his teammates.  He leans forward, his palm rubbing small circles into his forehead to try to alleviate the feeling.  Your hand is on his back and Keiji can’t help but to relax under the tenderness of your touch.  He felt like shit, truly.  His whole body hurt and this creeping wave of nausea kept climbing into the pit of his stomach.  No matter how many times he tried, he couldn’t get the world to stop spinning around him.  So, when he felt you scoot up beside him, he immediately took the opportunity to lean his body against you, breathing deeply as he tried to ground himself again.  

Your hand snaked up to his hair, tangling your fingers into the soft curls.  “Keiji?” You ask gently.  There’s a soft hum in response to signal to you that he’s listening.  “I think we should get you home, okay?”

But, he just shakes his head, uttering again that he’s fine.  That he just lost his balance and tripped as if he was blatantly unaware that he had lost consciousness.  

There’s a cumulative sigh.  Everyone was expecting this response, but it’s only when Bokuto squats down in front of him that Akaashi’s eyes move from where they had been trained on the ground.  “I know you want to stay, but, come on, man.  We all just watched you go down and it freaked us all out.  You’re obviously not feeling good, so you’re either sitting on the bench the rest of practice or you’re going home,” the captain states, an overwhelming sense of concern lacing between his words.  

Akaashi wasn’t happy about it, but he let you call his mom to explain the situation, asking if she could pick him up early.  There wasn’t much of another option, really.  What was the point in staying if he was just going to have to sit out?  He already hated that the team was forcing him to sit on the bench while you went to get his stuff out of the club room.  He was fine.  He could get his own bag, but despite all of his objections, you were passed the keys to collect his things.  Akaashi felt like such a child.  Everyone looked at him like he was some fragile doll that would combust any second.  He couldn’t help but roll his eyes at how out of proportion this whole situation had gotten.  It wasn’t anything serious, yet he was being treated like a baby.

But, when it was finally time for him to go, rather than just accepting your hug and small peck of goodbye, he laced his fingers with yours, a small plea buried somewhere behind dark irises.  Okay, so maybe he wasn’t being as tough about this whole thing as he would have liked, but he was just desperate to be comforted in the confines of his own bed rather than in the middle of the humid gymnasium.

But, you just kept nagging him.

You kept trying to weasel it out of him, the explanation as to why this happened in the first place.  You had felt his forehead.  He didn’t have a fever.  It wasn’t that hot, so he couldn’t have overheated.  It didn’t make any sense for him to just collapse out of nowhere like that.  But, no matter how many times you would ask, he would respond with a simple, “I’m fine” annoyance creeping into the edge of his voice with each reassurance.

You should’ve expected the snap, really.  He had been irritable most of the day and the incident in the gym only worsened his mood, but Keiji had never been one to raise his voice, especially not at you.  So, when the raven-haired setter released a loud groan, hands rubbing his face, frustration echoing in his eyes, that should’ve been your sign to stop talking, just let the subject drop, maybe come back to it when he was feeling better.  But, you didn’t.  You just kept pushing and it’s not like you wanted to piss him off; you were worried.  Seeing him just fall to the floor so easily without any warning had scared the shit out of you.

“Have you been eating well lately?  Maybe your blood sugar dropped and that’s why you passed out,” you say as you sit across from him on his bed. 

“Please, for the love of God, stop.  I have told you at least twenty times already that I’m fine!  Stop asking!”

“Keiji, perfectly healthy people don’t just pass out!  I just want-”

“If I knew what happened, I would tell you, but I don’t!  I don’t know why I fainted.  I barely remember doing it, so please, get off my back!  You’ve been nagging the shit out of me ever since we got here.  If I knew that you were going to be like this, I would’ve just let you stay at practice!  I don’t feel well and I just wanted to be able to lay down, but I can’t do that because you’re being obnoxious!” 

There was a deep scowl in his brows that you didn’t see from him often.  It usually appeared when he was deep in focus, but here it was, directed towards you.  It took you aback, the sharp bite of his words.  “Keiji, I-”

“No!  I’m not going to deal with this right now!  I’m tired, Maddi!  I don’t want to deal with you right now!”

The flash of hurt across your face brought Akaashi back to reality and out of whatever hellscape his head had been in.  You didn’t cry or make any outward sign of being upset, but he knew you by now.  He knew that the minute your eyes went to the ground, there was something wrong.  You had folded your hands in your lap and he was sure that if he looked away, you would begin shrinking.  

“Maddi, wait.  I- I didn’t- Hang on,” he stumbles, scooting closer to you in an attempt to comfort you by pulling you into his chest, but rather, you simply shy away from his touch.  Akaashi pulls his hand back, looking away, swallowing the heavy lump in his throat.  “I’m sorry.”

“I’m just- I’m worried, Keiji.  I was scared and I didn’t know what the hell was wrong so I didn’t know what to do.  I’m sorry that I annoyed you, but please, I just want to know what’s going on,” you mutter, barely meeting his gaze.  

He nods solemnly and there’s a heavy sigh that leaves his mouth.  “I think I just didn’t get enough sleep.  I’ve been trying to study for finals and, I guess- I don’t know.  I guess that I just, sort of, tried to do too much.”

A small gasp of surprise escapes his lips as he’s tugged into your arms, letting him rest his head against your chest, but he’s quick to melt into your embrace, taking comfort in the feeling of your fingers running softly through his hair.  “You need to take care of yourself, Keij.  I know that you want to succeed and do your best, but your health is more important than a grade,” you whisper.

You can feel him not against you.  “I know, and I don’t mean to.  I just- It just happens.”  He wraps his arms tightly around your waist, pulling you back so that you’re laying down against the mattress with him.  Within a matter of seconds, he’s tucked into your side, seeking the comfort of your body against him.  “I’m sorry for scaring you and the others.  It kind of freaked me out too.  I think that’s why I got so mad, because I didn’t really know exactly what was going on either.  So, I’m sorry that I snapped at you, really.”

“It’s okay, Keiji.  I’m sorry too.  I shouldn’t have kept pushing you.  I’m just really glad that you’re okay,” you say, softly brushing the curls from his eyes, a small smile on your face.

“I love you, you know?”

“I know.”  There’s a soft shine in your eyes and you lean down to place a short kiss to his lips.  “I love you too, Keiji.  More than you know.”

[thebeautyis]

that time Caitriona Balfe is the nicest human ever

I need to preface this by saying: I think ECCC was a bit under-prepared and overwhelmed by how many Outlander fans were there today. The lines were INSANE. I waited, each time I met Sam and Cait, no less than 45 minutes and over an hour for the autographing. and by the time we had made it to the hotel after the panel, to attempt the first autograph session, it was already filled up. at like 12:15. the panel ended at noon so like....HARDCORE. I am not so hardcore. I left and came back hahahaha

THIS GOT REALLY LONG IM SORRY

so the first one I did was the joint photo op. the waiting on line part is dull you don’t care about that. except there was a little boy on a different line while I was waiting who just like lay down on the floor and I felt for him bc same. anyway. it happened SO fast that I like don’t remember much. I remember walking up to them like holding my sleeves, which I do when I’m nervous, and they said hi and I said, “I’m SO nervous!” and Cait goes “awww, don’t be nervous!” and then I was in between them and both their hands were on me and they’re SO TALL and we’re taking a fucking picture???? and then I think Cait said thank you and I turned and said thank you and Sam didn’t say anything lol and I walked out and could NOT stop shaking. and then I went and got my pic (and also collapsed and gave @givemethewest a hug and told her I needed to sit down I was A MESS) and literally didn’t look at the picture. like all the way down the escalators, all the way to meet my friend, did not look. and then I literally bowling balled myself into my friend/my jacket & bag HEAD FIRST and laid flat on my stomach on the floor like screaming into my coat for 10 minutes and some poor girl who had become friends with my friend was laughing at me and also judging me hardcore and I was just like HI IM JULIA NICE TO MEET YOU from the floor. 

and then I had to get off the floor to get back on line to get a solo pic w Cait, which I had bought literally 2 hours prior. and we get on the line and we’re the very last ones so I just lie back down on the ground. and also take a pic of my pic (which I’d finally looked at) and tweet about it obviously but also lie on the ground because SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO LIE ON THE GROUND OK. anyway, more waiting on line blah blah blah. get to the front of Cait’s line this time and she is SUCH A GODDESS I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU. she was SO kind and idk if she recognized me or not but she like hit her thighs when she saw me and bent down a bit and was like “hi!! nice to meet you!!!” and I was just like hi! again. and then ONCE AGAIN Cait’s arm was around me and I was trying not to combust and I also had my arm around her and her shirt was really soft and she’s TEENY and on my way out I fucking threw up metaphorically on her and said something along the lines of, “thank you for everything you do I love you so much” and I think she gave me a sweet look and said thanks???? I think I also blacked out so I don’t really know what the fuck happened. but my picture with her is WONKY (my eyes wtf is wrong with my eyes) so I’m just gonna cut Sam out of the first one and say that’s my pic w Cait

and THEN I think I waited over an hour for the autograph thing bc we were in the spillover line and by this point I was feeling like an 85 year old woman. like everything in my body hurt, I hadn’t really eaten all day and I was exhausted so waiting was the last thing I wanted to do. but WORTH IT. I have to say. Once we got like...in the room where the autographs were I could not stop watching Cait. That gif of that guy with hearts popping out of his eyes was me the entire time. there’s just something so mesmerizing about her???? like I get why Sam stares at her all the time. I get it. as we were waiting though some lady asked if anyone was there for Sam only and NOBODY stepped forward. and I cackled. Everyone wanted to meet Caitrionaaaaa! 

so anyway I get to the front and I’m one of the only ones who is doing an autograph from both of them so even though Cait is technically first the lady sends me to Sam, whose line is empty lol so I go over and I’m fucking NERVOUS and I give his like handler dude the Emmy magazine and Sam’s too busy talking about opening a bottle of whisky and subtly but not so subtly looking over at Cait to notice me for a solid like 30 seconds but then he does and he signs my magazine and I give him this card I got for both of them and jesus christ the details are really embarrassing I will never tell but it’s REALLY shippery and it’s from me, Jess and Lauren, which I tell him (no idea if he connected who we were) and he goes to open it and I’m just like NO DON’T and he makes this face at me 😏  and tries to open it again and I’m just like nooo don’t!!! so he smiles and puts it down next to him and he thanks me for it and I tell him thank you for coming etc etc he looked so tired poor buddy. and then I had to get back in line for Cait. 

so I get up to Cait and she’s like “hi!! how are you?” and I told her I’d flown all the way from New York City to see her and she goes “my old stomping ground! where are you from?” and I said Manhattan and she was like oh I miss it so much! and I told her she should come back to visit and she leaned back and was like “I want to!” AND THEN ADN THEN. BACKSTORY: every fucking q&a she’s had on twitter I’ve asked her the same question about seeing theater in NYC and she’s never answered so in my brief moment of clarity I asked her if she sees theater when she’s there and she was like YES I love to! and I asked her what the last thing she saw was and she took a minute and made some really cute thinking facial expressions hahahaha and was like I don’t remember but I think it was something at the Public. and then I said thank you (again) and left and realized as I was leaving that I’d completely forgotten to give her the gift & my letter so I had to hand it to some lady working there hahahah OOPS. hopefully she got it. 

BUT I HAD AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION WITH CAITRIONA BALFE CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. SHE IS AN ANGEL ON EARTH. and also I hope they fucking enjoyed that card. yikes. 

and then I went out to meet my friend and we were sitting against a wall just like gathering ourselves and out walks Sam, I guess done w the autographing and he goes over to a group of peakers to take a group pic and right as it gets really quiet I go (not very loudly but....also too loud), “I don’t wanna be in a pic with him!!!” so that’s awkward hope he didn’t hear that. and then he goes into the bathroom and I shit you not 2 security guards stand in front of the bathroom. and then!!!! like a minute later Cait walks out, looking like a goddamn goddess, and goes to the bathroom and she comes out, Sam’s still in the bathroom, and she walks back into the panel room for something and then back out. Sam’s still in the gd bathroom and Cait’s like making her way towards the elevator taking selfies w people and then Sam walks out finally (he’d changed out of his kilt hence the security) and they both (with all their entourage) made their way towards the elevators. so naturally I planned on just walking by all casual but by the time I got over there they were gone behind some black curtains :(

THE FUCKING END.