#I had a doctor once tell me the ONLY way I'll ever lose weight is by going 100% keto

[jaycethepancake]

I'm just so freaking mad at the "diet advice" literally every doctor ever wants to push at me.

I keep getting told over and over to just go keto, just cut out carbs entirely and I'll suddenly lose soooo much weight! Just gotta eat a diet of 70% fat, and do it for pretty much the rest of my life, because there couldn't be consequences for that.

Seriously you mention the people that are so deep in ED thinking that carrots are too much sugar, when I still routinely relapse into my ED but I *still* thought my doctor was unhinged for suggesting fucking carrots and tomatoes had "too much sugar."

Not only are we awful about teaching how nutrition actually works, fucking *Doctors* are missing out on that whole education and telling ED sufferers with a prevalence of high cholesterol and heart disease in their family to eat a 70% fat based diet.

Why are agriculture classes the first time I've learned extremely basic info about nutrition and how digestion works. Why isn't this stuff in health textbooks or any easily accessible resource about healthy eating.

[frickfatphobes]

My joints have been getting more painful over the last year but I really don't know if I should even talk to my Dr about it because I'm 90 percent sure her solution and diagnosis will be weight related. I've tried to tell her I'm not interested in weight loss and why prescribing weight loss is wrong and for two whole visits she didn't mention weight and then next visit was well once we get x problem a little more under control we can talk about your weight and then she's mentioned dietitians and other stuff since. I've tried asking the local city reddit if anyone knows a fat friendly pcp and all the comments were just incredibly confused about what I wanted, I also tried googling and calling around and got no results besides secretarys talking down to me about how weight is bad and even when I switched to asking do the chairs have no arms or are bigger and the tables and equipment they use are there larger sizes all I got was idk and of course not were not a weight loss dr, which it's totally messed up that they think only weight loss Dr's should have equipment to fit people. Do you happen to have any thoughts on what I could do to either find a new dr or bring up the joint pain in a way I'll be taken seriously? Though she already doesn't take my medication resistance especially to pain blockers seriously but it's just so difficult trying to find a new dr.

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. No one should ever be judged this way, especially for their weight.

This is a tough one. I completely understand not wanting to find a new doctor. It's not easy.

I have no idea if this will work, but consider saying something along the lines of "I had joint pain before I gained any weight" or "I've tried weight loss and even when I was thinner, it didn't help." If neither of those statements are true for you, there may be another way to say that you know weight loss won't help the pain. Maybe even a simple "Do you have a solution I could start on before I lose weight? I don't know if I can deal with the pain throughout the months it will take to get the number down," and then DON'T try to change your body after you get the pills/physical therapy/whatever your doctor prescribes. That might give some perspective and help your doctor see what you're going through.

It's super hard to know what to do in situations like this. Do any of my followers have a good suggestion? I'm sorry I didn't have anything better than this, I hope it helped at least a little.

[prettyinpink2727]

Vent Entry #1 - 12/8/24

Welp this is my first entry on my new blog.

I used to have an ed blog in 2021-2022. I don't remember the exact blog name I used but I know it was something like "trying my worst". I look back on that name and cringe but who knows, I might look back in another 4 years and think the name "pretty in pink" is cringe.

I don't think I've ever really liked my body. Of course when I was a little kid, I didn't think much about how I looked. But as the typical cliche story goes, as you grow up, people make their comments and whether they're nice or mean or have good intentions or bad intentions behind them, they still stick.

I've always had a problem with food. The signs of my relationship with food being unhealthy were there from the start. My mom constantly tells me how she used to find empty cheese wrappers and tubs of butter hidden under my bed from when I was three. I guess I was doomed from the start.

When I was 9/10, I went on a keto diet for my diabetes. I lost a lot of weight and people were proud of me for having such good self control when it came to food. But there just came a point when I wanted to eat regular food and I didn't want people to be disappointed in me so I started to eat non keto food in secret.

Of course my secret was exposed and everyone ended up being disappointed anyway. I kept eating junk in secret and even though it was a healthy amount, I still gained weight and therefore gained unwanted comments about my body. I used to be too skinny. Now I was on the verge of being to fat.

Family members, doctors and kids at school all said stuff about my body. I was called ugly and told I looked like an elephant on steroids by boys I went to school with. A "friend" of mine told me I looked like a football player because my shoulders were so broad. A boy once told me I was a pig and told me eating salads wouldn't help, implying that I ate salad to lose weight.

My doctor used to tell me I was too skinny and needed to eat more. So I started to eat more and gained weight and then she told me to stop gaining weight or else I would be overweight.

My grandma compared me to girls at my dance studio, asking me if I wanted to have flat stomachs like theirs. My grandfather commented on me being heavier. The first thing my dad, who I rarely ever sees, says to me after not seeing him in months is that I look slimmer.

My mom is the worst of all. She says she only wants to help, that she doesn't mean to hurt my feelings but that she can't not say anything. I don't believe her. I think she wants me to feel bad about myself but that may just be me making excuses for myself.

I've tried a lot of different things in order to lose weight. Drinking gallons of water, drinking apple cider vinegar, intermediate fasting, eating one meal a day, keto, Paleo, getting up early in the morning to exercise, eating dairy free, eating gluten free. I never really lost any weight though.

I gained a lot of weight during COVID, going from 130 to around 150 or 160. But I was able to lose most of it naturally and after a while I felt satisfied with my body. I actually thought something had clicked in my brain and that I could understand the girls who loved their curves and chub because I felt the same way.

So I started not to care. I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and I was happy and rarely felt guilty. But of course, someone had to go and mess that up for me.

My mom and brother have both noticed that I have put on weight again and have been making the same old comments that I know shouldn't affect me but do.

So I'm back to this. Back this stupid blog, back to counting my stupid calories, back to stupid restricting, back to having food control my entire life. Hopefully I'll at least get something out of it and I'll actually have some self control so I can actually reach my goal weight this time.

[crmsnmth]

September Sky Chapter Eight, Part Five

"My personality is super addictive, and soon I had a collection of razor blades and long sleeve shirts I wore everywhere. I didn't want people to see them. I still don't want people to even see the scars. It was never for attention.. I didn't want to hear it from anybody. My family, or the few people that didn't treat me like a pariah." I continued on with the story of my self-mutilation. Not once did Addison break contact. She watched me as I spoke. I wanted to tell her I loved her, right then and there, but that wasn't part of the story. And getting this out was more important than my need to declare love.

Addison kept her face blank the whole time. I guess I kind of preferred that. I didn't want to see the reactions of one of the worst points of my entire life.

"Eventually, it cultimated to the scars on my wrists. I failed, but I did succeed in the first of many grippy sock vacations."

"Grippy sock vacations?" Addison's voice scared me a little bit. She'd been quiet for so long. I just wasn't prepared.

"Asylum. I call it the ward."

"So you tried to kill yourself?" Her words came out in a lazy trail. The kind inflection that loses steam half-way threough the words.

"Yea, I did. Everything sucked. At least according to my fucked up teenage pysche. I had no real friends, my parents split, I was trapped in a place where there was no way I could ever fit in. I fucking hate farms."

"I can't imagine that feeling."

"Don't even try. I hope you never have to feel that way about anything. I hope nobody on this planet has to feel that way." There was always remnants of the past, and the day I attempted suicide. left a major mark on me, even years later. I became somewhat of an advocate to help anybody else. I always wondered if I had even had just one person, i might not have down a razor blade down the road.

"So I got sent to the ward. I was there for a little over month. I got my first of many diagnosises. We started off small with MDD, major depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder. Way wrong."

"So did the ward help? I mean with the self-mutilation thing? Was that the list time?" Her eyes were beautiful and sad, and I felt like I had just gotten a stray cat to let me pet it. As I told ehr the story, her face moved and expressed itself again. It was off a switch had been flipped to on inside her head. Now she was just plain old curious.

"The ward itself? Not really. It was more the people in there. The doctors who actually gave a shit. It was the last time I did the self-harm thing for a long time, but I did find myself sucked back into a few years ago, but that relapse didn't stick." I said. The story was told. And I swear, I could feel the heavy weight carried by that dark period, I felt it crumble off. It was a strange feeling. The only other person I've really talked to about this stuff was my therapist, and that was only because it's part of my history, and therefore part of my present and my future.

"There has to be some interesting people." She stated, just asking questions without making it seem like I was being interviewed. I've said it once, I'll probably say it a million more times. She could've made a great therapist.

I laughed. "Yeah, there were. You see some real crazies in those places. Well, at least the one I went to. It wasn't really the classiest of places."

"Crazies?" She said, accusingly but quickly lost the seriousness when she giggled.

"Yeah. I'm one of them so I can call them that." I laughed.

"Oh, really? That's how that works?" She smiled up at me, and it was like watching the moment of the big bang's explosion, just slowed down to appreciate the beauty in it all. Again, I loved her. I wanted desperatly to tell her I loved her, and I just wouldn't do it. I couldn't. I didn't even really know what we really were, when I thought about it. I hadn't really thought about it either. This whole thing seemed so easy and gradual and right, that I never paid attention to the time.

"Yes. Yes it is."

It was silent again for a few moments. Somewhere outside, someone shouted something. There was no response.

"It's hard to believe," she whispered.

"What is?" I asked, slightly confused.

"I mean, if you didn't have the evidence. I just can't picture you like that,"she spoke as though she was lost in her thoughts. "It's too different from how you are since I've known you."

"I'm pretty sure that's a good thing."

"It is, very much so. Still, it's kind of sad." "Nope. Not sad. No use being depressed over an act of depression."

"It is sad. It's not a happy thing."

"Why can't it be? Instead of looking at the action, look at the results. I stopped. That's a pretty happy thing, I think. I don't want to think of that period as this awful dark place. I mean, it is, don't get me wrong. But I look at where I am after the beating, and I've always managed to get back on my feet and just get ready for the next round. I may be quiet. I may be antisocial. I may be extremely introverted, but that doesn't mean I'm just taking punches. I made it through that. I can make it through this." I said, not realizing I had said so many words. And as soon as I realized, that feeling of insecurity came over me. I talked to long, or I rambled. The thoughts made their ugly heads known and were impossible to ignore. Anxiety crept it's way in to join the party.

"I actually kind of like that. It's a good philosophy."

"It's something."

She pointed at her lips and I bent down and kissed them, and then flicked off the light and curled up beside me. I lay awake for a while, waiting for my meds to kick in. And eventually they did, weighing down my lids as I drifted into a quiet and dreamless sleep.

* * * *

[xans-ex]

Otherside (Pt. 2)

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Different Dimension/Alternate Universe. Heavy angst, smut, and fluff throughout multiple parts.

Word Count: 4254 words

Chapters-

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

*WARNING- Strong Language, Explicit Sex(Not in this chapter), Explicit Sex Talk/References(Not in this chapter), Violence, Talks of Violence*

This is the second part to the story :) I will include a little of the first chapter in the beginning just with how the second chapter starts, so bare with me ya'll. Also fun fact, when I write I usually find a song that overall gives me the vibes for the story, and the song that helped me write these two chapters is Sextape by Deftones :) Give it a listen-

Jungkook watched as the figure turned back around and ran across the other room and into the room on top that he knew gave stairs to the building. He was stuck. Now here bleeding out only to be given to police. This is it.

You stared at the screen in disbelief. There was no way this was how your brother was going to end this chapter. No fuckin way. You looked around in confusion before your eyes fell on the pencil in its holder. You wondered if you should erase it. Then when your brother hopefully comes back, you can tell him that the police accidentally wiped it and then later on convince him to have a different ending. Yeah...That would work. You grabbed the pencil, the thick handle sitting comfortably between your fingers. You hit the eraser icon and as soon as the pencil tip hit the screen, you felt warmth.

Almost like you were sucked into a hot room. A sauna, but without the humidity. It was bright for only a second, and then it was dark. You blinked slowly, your head pulsing. "Ow..what the fuck..." You groaned as you rubbed your temples. Your hands started to lift you from the ground, and you paused as you felt the feeling of concrete and small pieces of rocks. You looked up, the wind blowing your hair as you looked around. You slowly stood up, your eyebrows furrowed and eyes squinting from the lingering headache. You froze.

The city. How? You...You were just in your brother's room. At your parent's house. In the countryside. Did you never leave your studio apartment? But why were you on the roof? Was this whole time of visiting family only a dream? You looked around in disbelief before hearing a faint moan. You whipped your head around and saw someone laying on the ground, a pool of red under them.

"Are-Are you okay?" You asked, quickly running to them. You knelt down next to them, looking at their wounds. I-It's okay! I'm a nurse. I can help you..." You trailed off as soon as you saw his face. Jungkook. "Jungkook-" You slapped your hand over your mouth as soon as you said his name. He looked up at you, his face a twisted mix of pain and confusion. "Do I know you?" He choked out. "N-No. Um...what happened?" You asked. He scoffed. "You're a nurse. You should know..." He trailed off. He was going in and out of consciousness.

"Fuck, um...I'mma call 911." You said, reaching into your pocket and grabbing your phone. You paused when you saw you had no connection. "D-Don't call the police." Jungkook came back from consciousness, his eyes wide. "I need to get an ambulance for you, you're bleeding out." You looked at him up and down, his blood slowly pooling out as he lost more and more blood. "Please...no." He whispered. You looked around, hoping to see someone but there was none. "So do you just want to die out here?" You asked.

You didn't mean to sound mean, but he was being ridiculous at this point. "No...just...you're a nurse, can you take me to your place? I'll like...pay you or whatever to help me just please don't." He was pleaded but it all sounded like a stupid idea to you. Plus, did you even live here?

"You're fucking stupid, no! You've been shot, I have no idea what arteries might've been hit in that leg-" You panicked and Jungkook closed his eyes. He was really about to die out here. With a stupid, useless nurse. Which made it even worse.

"Fine. Whatever. I'll just die." Jungkook said. You gaped at him. "No fuckin way, come on, I'll take you to the hospital myself. Is there an urgent care near?" You asked. "You don't know? You found me." He winced as you grabbed his arm, putting it around your shoulders and slowly helped him up. "I'm um...not from around here." You murmured. Jungkook looked at you, his eyes scanning your face as you chewed at your bottom lip. "How annoying..." He grumbled. You contemplated dropping him back down and letting him bleed out, but then you realized that you'd have this man's life on your mind forever, and you don't want to deal with that trauma.

You two slowly but surely went to the open stairs of the building, making your way down. "Can we use an elevator? You're heavy..." You complained. He was practically dead weight against you, and as strong as you might think you are, a dead weight body is incredible heavy. "No fuckin way. The cops will find me that way." Jungkook was very stubborn, and he was starting to piss you off. "Fine. Then put more work in. You're fat and I can't carry you down all these stairs."

Jungkook rolled his eyes but started to carefully take some of his weight off of you, not wanting to do too much because he was still weak from losing so much blood. Eventually you two make it out the building from the side door, and stumble a couple blocks to a nearby urgent care. You sighed in relief when they took Jungkook into a stretcher and started taking care of his actively bleeding wounds as he was wheeled off. You sat in one of the chairs in the waiting room, your right side stained with his blood.

"Are you his family?" A nurse asked as she stood in front of you. You looked up at her wide eyed "Uh, oh, no. No, I'm just a nurse. I happened to find him and took him here." You combed your hair back, your bangs sticking to your forehead with sweat. "Oh? Where do you work?" Your mouth opened and closed before opening once more, thinking of how to even respond. "Um...is there a bathroom I can wash up in?" You stood, the nurse stepping back with a confused expression before nodding and pointing you in the direction of the bathroom.

You hurried into the large bathroom, locking the door behind you. You sighed, looking yourself in the mirror and gripping the sink hard, your knuckles almost turning white. "What in the ever loving fuck is going on?" You hoped your reflection would reply. Tell you this is all a dream. This is a dream. Yeah, it's a dream.

You washed your face, hands, and legs, already giving up trying to clean the blood from your pajamas when it seemed to just spread and make your skin wet and sticky. "Fuckin hell..." You sighed before leaving the bathroom and sitting back at the waiting area, away from any nurses who may walk past to avoid any further questions.

-

You felt like you were there for hours. You were there for hours. The sound of people crying and alerts over the intercom helped drown out the sound of your own thoughts. Your mind could beat Usain Bolt right now with how hard it was racing. You just sat quietly, cross legged at the ankles. You should leave. You kept telling yourself that, but at the same time you wanted to stay. See if he was okay. Maybe it's because you kinda pretended as if you were waiting for your brother. Hopefully not in these circumstances but to hope he was okay, might bring you some clarity. "Excuse me..." A doctor said as she walked over to you.

You silently hoped there would be no more questions. "Are you with Jeon Jungkook?" She asked. You slowly nodded. "He's fine, in stable condition. Luckily the bullets missed all the important organs and arteries. The bullet in his leg shattered and we had to take those out so please come back if there's any complications after discharge. But luckily the bullet in his abdomen went straight through with no massive damage so that was an easy fix."

She explained everything to you and you sighed in relief. This means you can leave. Finally. "He is ready to see you now." The doctor interrupted your thoughts. "Ex-Excuse me?" You couldn't stop your constant stuttering. "He has requested to see you." You opened your mouth but no words left you, so you simply nodded and followed the doctor through a set or doors towards the patient rooms.

"He's in here. Our visiting hours are over in an hour." She said, nodding to you before walking off. You looked back at her as she left, then turned towards the sliding door of the patient room. Your hand reached out to grab the handle, your fingers wiggling slightly with nervousness. "Annoying Nurse? I know you're there." You could hear Jungkook's deep voice from the other side of the door and you huffed, sliding the door open and going inside quickly. "Annoying nurse? I have a name you know."

"Never told me it, so that's your fault." Jungkook looked at you from his bed, his hospital gown slightly open showing a wrap around his abdomen. You then glanced at the cast on his leg, and the stack of pillows keeping it elevated. "My name is (Y/N), so you can stop calling me annoying. Please." You sighed, taking a seat next to his bed. "Fine. But only because you said please." He smirked. You rolled your eyes. "I just wanted to say thank you. For saving my life." You looked Jungkook in the eye, his eyes on his hands which were picking at his individual fingers.

"No need to thank me. It's my job." You gave him a soft smile. He looked over at you, and matched his smile with yours. "You work here?" You bit your bottom lip. "No...I uh...I work somewhere else. Out of town." You said it so quietly Jungkook almost couldn't hear you. "Oh...okay."

The silence was so uncomfortable you debated just getting up and leaving now, which you thought would be perfect. "Well, visiting hours are probably already over, so I will get going now." You laughed awkwardly, standing up slowly and wiping your sweaty palms agains your pajama shorts. You turned to walk out the door but then a hand reached out and grabbed yours.

You turned back around and saw Jungkook's bandaged hand engulfing your smaller palm. "Can you come back tomorrow?" He almost had puppy dog eyes with the way he looked up at you. "I...I don't know..." You started. "I'll pay for lunch...or dinner. Or whatever you want. Please?" You thought to yourself. "Hmm...fine, but only because you said please." You teased, and Jungkook snorted. He gave you a toothy grin and you felt your cheeks heat up slightly with his hand still wrapped around yours.

"Goodnight Jungkook." You pulled your hand from his grasp and slide open the door to his room. "Goodnight...Y/N" He said as you closed his door. He looked around the hospital room and sighed. "Such an annoying nurse." He chuckled.

-

Now that you were finally out of there, you could properly freak the fuck out. First off, where the fuck are you? Second, why in the fuck is Framed character, Jeon Jungkook, in the same world as you right now? Third, what in the fucking fuck? Fuck? You raked your hands through your messy hair, the reality of everything setting in. What if you're stuck here? What about your family? Your friends? Your job???

You rubbed at your temples. Okay (Y/N), don't stress yourself out too much now. Maybe if you just...go to sleep...you'll wake up back at home. It's a dream remember? You looked around. Where the fuck will you go? You contemplated everything and just realized you should probably just stay at the hospital. You had nowhere to go.

As you made your way back to the entrance doors, three cop cars pulled up and cops started to jump out their cars. You jumped back in surprise. "Are you alright?" One of the officers said, looking at your blood stained clothes. "Y-Yeah I'm fine, I was dropping off a friend." You stammered. The officer looked you up and down curiously. "Well anyways, have you seen this man? He is currently wanted by police." The officer scrolled on his phone before showing you a photo and you almost choked on your spit. A picture of Jungkook was staring right back at you, his purple dyed hair a mess. It's a mugshot.

"Uh...no. Why? What did he do?" You looked at the officer, trying to hold your composure. Why in the hell was there a mugshot of Jungkook? Is that why he wouldn't let you call the police? "We can't say that. Just wondering if you'd seen him." The officer asked once again, as if telling you to just own up to it.

Like hell you were going to do that. You got questions and this little criminal needed to give you answers. "Nope. Never seen him. If you'll please excuse me, my boyfriend was shot and I'm here to make sure he's okay." Your mouth was moving faster than your brain. Boyfriend? Why in the fuck did you say that? The officer's right eyebrow raised curiously. "Did you shoot him?" You cocked your head in confusion before remembering your current attire.

"N-No! I saved his life. Now...please excuse me." You pushed past the officer as you made your way back into the hospital and into the elevators to go to the patient rooms. Once you arrived on the correct floor you snuck past the nurses station, knowing if they saw you they'd tell you to go home since visiting hours were over. Once you got to Jungkook's room, you quietly slide open the door and closed it once you were inside.

"You're back?" Jungkook's voice could've startled you if you weren't already freaking the fuck out. "Jungkook...I just got stopped by the cops." You looked over at him and you visibly saw his adam's apple bob from the gulp he swallowed. "Yeah? And?" This fucker is playing dumb. "And? Jungkook you're wanted by the police! What did you do?" You exclaimed. "Okay, say it louder for the security down the hall." He rolled his eyes, his arms folded across his chest as he huffed, annoyed.

"I didn't do anything." Your eyes could've popped out your head with how hard your eyes were bulging at him. "The police seem to think differently. They showed me your fuckin mugshot, dude." You sat next to his bed, your hands raking your hair with frustration. "That was from something unrelated. This time...it wasn't me." He looked like he really wanted you to believe him. "What happened?" You just wanted to know. You weren't sure if you were sitting with an innocent man or some kind of killer but it would help to make sure?

Jungkook paused, his eyes dashing around as if he was thinking if he should even tell me or not. "Fine...don't tell me." You were starting to get annoyed. You were hoping he would trust you, with you saving his life and all, but that didn't seem to be the case. "(Y/N)..." He started but you were quick to shut him down. "Forget it. Good luck with your case." You slide open the door, your face turned pale when you saw a nurse walking with a police officer.

You slide the door shut once more, and Jungkook looked at you curiously. "Jungkook...the police are here." You whispered. You felt the room go cold and Jungkook looked around nervously. "We gotta go." He started moving, ripping his IV out his arm swinging his leg over the bed with a groan. "Wait what? What the fuck? N-No!" You walked over to him, trying to push him back by his chest. He pushed your hands away.

"I'm not about to be taken for something I did not do." He was angry. Frustrated. You hesistated, watching as he stood and grabbed his bag of clothes. "I'll...I'll help you." Jungkook turned towards you. "You will? Even though you don't know if I'm some crazed killer or not?" You pursed your lips. "Is that what they're trying to arrest you for?" Jungkook took a deep breath in, not saying anything else as he limped towards his things that were put into a hospital bag and then slipped on his hospital slippers.

He turned towards you again, looking you over once more as you stood there. "Are you just gonna stare at me or are you gonna come with me?" You nodded, going over to him and letting him wrap his arm around your shoulder once more. You slid open the door, looking in the direction of where the nurse and officer were and not seeing them. "They might be talking about you, we gotta go." You whispered and Jungkook nodded, following you towards the nearby stairs.

"Wait, can we use the elevator?" Jungkook looked at you as if you were the dumbest on earth. "You truly are the most annoying person I've ever met." He let go of your shoulder. "You go on the elevator, distract the nurse and cop, and meet me on the side of the building. I'll call someone to pick us up since you apparently don't live around here." He rolled his eyes and opened up the door to the stairs, wincing slightly in pain.

You nodded, ignoring his earlier remark and started for the elevator. Right as you were close, the nurse and cop you saw earlier spotted you. "Excuse me? Visiting hours ended a while ago." She said. You looked at her apologetically. "Sorry...my boyfriend was shot and I just needed to see him one more time. Bring him some snacks and stuff." You continued heading for the elevator, ignoring the calls from the nurse and officer as you pressed the first floor button and mashed the 'closed elevator' button repetitively.

Once you got to the first floor, you walked calmly out the door, ignoring the looks from the earlier officer that questioned you earlier. As soon as you touched the outside, a large exhale escaped your lungs. How long were you holding your breath? As you walked, you heard a low voice call out to you. "(Y/N)." Jungkook called for you in a silent yell. You hurried over to him, grabbing his arm once again to help him balance himself.

"Where is your friend?" You looked up at him. "Behind here." He started walking and you tried your best to help him along the way, the weight of his body was a little easier to handle now. He wasn't extremely heavy, but the amount of muscle on him did add to his weight and made it a little hard to keep hold of him.

As you kept walking you noticed a car parked with its lights off. You opened the door and Jungkook slowly sat into the back seat, wincing and groaned the whole time. You tried to look at the driver but couldn't. What if this is just his plan to kidnap you? You know what he's on the run for, getting rid of you will just make things easier.

"Come on." Jungkook grabbed your arm, pulling you into the car with him. You sat, a little reluctant but deciding it's for the best. You could have somewhere to sleep, if Jungkook doesn't kill you first. Once you were inside, you could now see who was driving. Kim Seokjin. Jungkook's other best friend in this story.

"Jesus Christ dude, who did that to you?" He looked back at Jungkook, his eyes then shifting to you. "Is this a new one?" That question almost seemed like an insult. New one? You don't remember Jungkook being a player in the story? How many relationships has he been in?

"Shut up and drive, dude. I'm sure the cops just realized I'm gone." Jungkook looked around, almost paranoid. "Okay fine." Seokjin started driving, waiting till he was on the road before turning his headlights on. He then turned on the radio, pop punk softly playing. Jungkook was exhausted. Terribly exhausted, and he couldn't help but rest his head on your shoulder. You stiffened at first, but then understood immediately and relaxed.

You smell good. He thought to himself as he took a slow deep breath, taking in your scent. Even though you smelled slightly of his blood, there was this other natural scent from you. Your hair smelled clean. Like you just washed it before finding him bleeding out on the roof. He appreciated this. It helps him relax.

The drive was long, but it helped ease the worry between Jungkook's brow, and he was relieved when you all arrived at Seokjin's brother's house. "My brother is away on a business trip for a month, so this place is yours until you figure things out." Seokjin explained everything to you two as he helped Jungkook get out the car. Jungkook gritted his teeth in pain. He looked over to you, seeing your tired expression. "Is it okay if we use his clothes?"

"Yeah dude, no problem. Just make sure you wash everything before you leave." Seokjin opened the door for you, letting you in first before helping Jungkook. "There's two bedrooms, so there's another place to sleep." You glanced around the place. This was a very nice house. One you didn't mind staying in for as long as Jungkook wanted.

What was that? You were thinking as if you were gonna be here another night. This is just a very long, draining dream. After tonight, you will wake up in your bed or on the floor of your brother's room and wonder what happened. "Thank you, Hyung." Jungkook watched you as you walked around. "Oh, so now we're using formalities?" Seokjin joked, walking Jungkook into one of the rooms and setting him on the bed.

"Alright, I'll leave you two be. Reminder, this is only for a month, so don't get too comfortable. And also, please clean up after yourself. Also please throw all your condoms away in the outside trash or flush them, if ya'll use those. I don't want my brother asking too many questions." Seokjin looked at the both of you and you looked back at him wide eyed, your face as hot as an oven.

"Hyung. Stop. We're just friends." Jungkook looked almost as flustered as you, his eyes quickly averting yours. "Really? Just friends with someone this hot? Then you don't mind if I flirt with them right?" Seokjin flashed you a wide grin and you bit your lip nervously. Seokjin is a very...very handsome man yet you couldn't imagine doing anything with him. Jungkook glanced between the two of you and something rose within him. Jealousy? No fuckin way. Either way it pissed him off seeing his friend look at you like that.

"Jin..." Seokjin chuckled, shaking his head. "And the formalities are gone again." He headed out the room and down the hall. "Alright kids, I'll leave you two alone." You both waited in silence, waiting for the sound of the front door to close and lock before both exhaling.

"Holy shit...um...well. This is nice I guess." You were trying to find anything to get your mind off whatever just happened and you could see Jungkook either was trying to do the same or honestly didn't care because he just slowly laid down onto the bed. "I'm going to sleep. It's been a long night." He grumbled and you nodded, the awkward silence engulfing the room once again. "Gotcha...I'll just...go into the other room." You headed towards the door before hearing the bed creak slightly.

"Goodnight." Jungkook stared at you as you walked out the door and slowly closed it behind you. "Night, Jungkook." You said before shutting it. Once you were out the room, you felt all the stiffness and uneasiness leave you. Holy fuck, you need a shower. You smelled of blood and sweat and it was utterly disgusting. You went straight into the bathroom and started the shower, shedding your clothes off and hopping in as soon as the water was scolding hot. You let the water drop onto your naked body, the water slowly washing the dried blood off of you and trailing into the drain. You grabbed the soap on the side and started scrubbing, almost as if you were trying to scrub five layers of skin off.

After your shower and you felt like you were fresh and raw from the hot water and hard scrubbing, you wrapped yourself in a fluffy towel and made your way into the other bedroom. Once you were inside you opened a dresser and saw a couple large shirts. You were thankful they were huge cause you didn't have any spare underwear to wear.

You pulled it over your head, the soft material falling over your body and resting at your mid thigh. You put the towel to your hair and dried your hair as much as possible, your arms felt so tired that just lifting them to dry your hair was a lot of work. You put the towel on the ground and made your way over to the bed and went under the sheets. This was what you finally needed. A comfortable bed. And now, as you fall asleep, you can look forward to waking up back home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm glad you guys are liking the first chapter so far! Wanted to go ahead and post the second part to kinda get the story going so you know where everything is going :)

Let me know if you'd like a part three! <3

DO NOT POST/SHARE MY WORK ON TIKTOK

[mytwistedhome]

Pomefiore and Ignihyde when they find out you have Anorexia

Trigger warning to anyone who suffers with an eating disorder!!

I decided to write these headcanons because I've been having a really tough two weeks, and thinking of the twst boys makes me happy...

I hope this can maybe bring comfort to someone else, or at least provide some bit of entertainment. My intention is not to cause harm or trigger anyone. That is the last thing I want.

Other dorms will be coming as well! I already started working on all of them, but I just haven’t finished them. They will most likely be posted the next time I have a bad day //

One more quick thing: I will be posting requests this week! I’ve already broken several promises that I made in regards to the time I’d post, and I feel horribly guilty. I’m sorry for the wait. I know I shouldn’t tell you to expect something on a certain day and then delay it for weeks. I should be honest about my efficiency, and I am sorry.

I'm also sorry for not responding to message (this applies to all my blogs...) I see them, but then forget about them, and then cower away because I feel like I'm already too late. I hope this little apology is enough to suffice... I'll apologize properly to every person when I find the courage. I know I shouldn't be doing this to people who've been kind to me just because I feel unwell. Please know that I am very sorry, and I'm trying to be more responsible and less careless to those around me.

💜

Vil Shoenheit

So that's why your skin is so dry and you have bags under your eyes

He scolds you at first. He believes that you’re starving to get a good figure, and he tries to inform you that doing so is unhealthy and that being malnourished actually makes a person quite ugly.

As if you haven’t already heard all this before

You try to tell him that you’re not doing this to look good. At least, not anymore. Sure, it started out as a way to lose weight, but it soon became an obsession much more meaningful than beauty or weight-loss.

He doesn’t understand. Why would you deliberately hurt yourself like that? Especially when you’re aware of all these negative outcomes?

Nevertheless, he is still very worried about you

He wouldn't normally concern himself with such a personal problem, but he would feel so guilty if he just stood back and watched you whither away

So, he does, indeed, go out of his way to try and help you

He finds a psychology book about eating disorders in the library, and he reads it in its entirety

He is... quite disturbed. He never imagined that you could be suffering so badly.

He's smart enough to realize that he, himself, can't do anything to make you better

He encourages you to seek professional help, and he even searches for phone numbers you can call and therapists/counselors close by of whom you can see

You are really touched by his efforts to find help, and you promise him that you will see one of the counselors he recommended

But... several weeks go by, and you haven't done anything

Vil grows furious. Don’t you want help!?

He takes your lack of seeking help rather personally... He went out of his way to provide with the things he felt that you really needed. Don’t you appreciate that? Don’t you care about yourself? What more do you want him to do?

You try to tell him that you don’t want him to do anything, that you’ll find help when you’re ready--

Vil isn’t buying that

What does “ready” mean, anyways? When you’re already in the grave?

He’s a bit harsh on you... He points out the patches of dry skin along your neck and chest, the way the hairs of your arms always stand on end from goosebumps, the metallic taste in your mouth...

Are you happy with those things? Do you really want to live this way?

You try and try to explain to him that it’s hard to get help and go back to eating normally

It spirals into an argument...

Vil is done with this. He did what he could and got you the resources you need to begin recovery. Once you decide to get help, he will be there for you. He will be there whenever you reach out for support, comfort, or care. But, until then, don’t talk to him about it. Don’t complain about your misery until you have sought proper help. It’s your fault at this point, isn’t it?

Rook Hunt

He had noticed that you were very quickly losing a lot of weight

He was concerned, but he never imagined that the problem could be something so serious

You're actually surprised with just how much he's concerned. You thought that if there was anyone to romanticize such a disease, it would be him

But he seems to know more than you thought about such disorders

He begs you to get professional help, and he is quite a bit more pushy and earnest than Vil is...

You try to explain to him that no doctor or therapist could ever help unless you were READY and WANTED to be helped

Well, he doesn't understand why you don't want help

He's pushing and pushing you... begging you to seek a professional

You get so frustrated that you turn and leave. He just doesn't understand!

And now Rook is even more distressed. How will he ever get through to you? How can he ever help you?

Now, every time he sees you, he looks at you with such sorrow

He sadly remarks upon how your beauty is fading... and how he fears that your life may be fading as well

Your heart aches to hear such sincere worry... Your chest feels tighter than it normally does as you crumble with guilt

You promise yourself you'll get better... Just so you won't have to see Rook with a horribly sad expression whenever he passes you

You start eating more in front of him to ease his worry, which does work a little bit

You add about 400 more calories to your usual intake--enough so that your "recovery" becomes visible through the way you bounce with energy

But you stay up late at night, running laps and doing situps to burn off some of that intake

And you keep losing weight

In fact, it's worse now because your body is aching from the unfamiliar intake and exercise...

Well, at least you look better

At least you have Rook fooled

Or so you think. It'll only be a matter of weeks before he catches onto your schemes and grows so distressed once again

He tries to sit you down and have a talk with you... He just really wants you to get help

Epel Felmier

Poor Epel finds out after he witnesses you collapsing in the middle of the hallway when no one else is around

He panics and rushes to your side, trying to see what is wrong and how he can help you

You blacked out for several seconds, which is why you collapsed, but even though you have your vision back, everything is still very cloudy and you are too weak to stand up

This makes Epel panic even more

You try to calm him down, despite your weakness

"it's okay, Epel...! Just get me something to eat. Please, I need something to eat. Hurry!"

He is a bit confused, but he does what you say, and he rushes off to find you some food

While he is gone, you try to stand, but to no avail. Your stomach aches with hunger and you are cold all over. Your body just feels so miserable

He rushes back to you with an apple and places his hands on your shoulders in concern as you quickly eat it down

That apple... It's the best thing you've ever tasted, but it's gone too quickly, and your mouth waters for more as the last bites slide down your throat

Although it was small, it still gives your body such a blissful burst of energy. All your senses are ignited now that you have finally eaten something after such a long fast, and your head is hurting far less

You stand up and smile at Epel, thanking him graciously before turning to leave

Uuuhhhhh.... What was that?

You suddenly collapse on the ground and then are all better after eating a simple apple?

No way is Epel going to let you go just like that. He holds you back, demanding an explanation, for it surely seems you know quite a bit about this bizarre thing that just happened

You try to tell him it's nothing, just a strange thing that happened this one time

Well, then, how did you know how to fix it by eating something?

You quickly lie and tell him you get dizzy sometimes and fall due to low blood sugar

Well, now your story is inconsistent

He presses you for the truth, growing rather angry

His harsh tone begins to scare you, and you tell him... You tell him that, sometimes, you go days without eating, and it of course causes you to grow so weary that you faint

You watch as all the frustration quickly rushes away from Epel's face, leaving his eyes wide and mouth hanging open in shock

"That... That's really unhealthy..."

Oh, great. Not this speech again

But, it actually isn't a lecture about how this is such a "dangerous diet"

Instead, Epel pours out all his concern with a sad look upon his face

He knows that he can't do much, but he assures you that you can come to him if ever things become too tough to handle

You're touched by his offer, and you thank him for his understanding

But, now, everytime he's around, he watches you with care to see if you're doing alright and to make sure you don't fall over again

You hadn't expected him to worry this much...

If Epel ever thinks that things are getting out of hand, he will likely go behind your back to someone who can help for your sake

💙

Idia Shroud

He really wishes that he hadn't found out because now he can't stop worrying

This is the kind of thing that would just be easier to ignore and shut away from his mind

But how could he possibly ignore something as serious as this?

He keeps telling himself that this isn't supposed to be his issue

But... It is his issue, isn't it? If you ended up dying and he knew all along about your suffering yet did nothing to help, than that would mean that he aided in your death, right?

He's really starting to panic. He doesn't what you dead. Not at all

But... What is he supposed to do???

He calms himself down and tries to think

Perhaps if he built you a mechanical body that didn't need food this whole thing would seize to be a problem...

No, bad idea

Well, that will be his last resort if nothing else works...

He messages you and tries to plead with you to please just eat and take care of yourself...

You message back, explaining to him that it really isn't that simple

He decides to ask why you're doing this, and he tries to show through his words how much he really cares

You feel comfortable enough in telling him some of the reasons why you think you started, and why it's now so hard to stop and all you want is to continue with it...

Idia is happy that you were able to open up to him this much, but what is he really supposed to do with this information? He's no therapist...

Well, being vulnerable with you emotions and talking about the problem is at least one step in the right direction, isn't it?

Idia continues to try to be a source of comfort for you, while also encouraging you to seek proper help

Ortho Shroud

Oh, no... He can’t help you with this, can he?

Why can’t he help you? Why won’t you get better?

Surely nii-san programmed him with something that could help you...

Right...?

RIGHT!?

Why aren’t you better?

Why are you doing this to yourself!?

Ortho is a mess... so distressed. He can’t understand--he doesn’t have the capacity to understand such a disorder, and he is so frustrated that nothing he does is helping!

And he does everything

He exhausts himself trying to “fix your mind”

His eyes are wide, yellow irises shaking with misery

Knowing that you are willingly hurting yourself actually traumatizes him...

He can't wrap his head around such an awful mental illness. To him, it looks as though you're really trying to harm, hurt, and even kill yourself by your own accord

Something must be wrong with your brain, but he just doesn't know what!

The poor child is so upset. He's panicked and worried sick

And now you feel even worse

Sorry for ending on such a horrible note... I was originally going to have all the dorms, so Diasomnia would’ve come and saved the day, but I just didn’t finish them.

[wickedbarnes]

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not | John Wick x Reader

PROMPT: Hanahaki Disease AU! Reader realizes she's in love with John but John, on the other hand, can't reciprocate the feelings because he's still in love with Helen. And so, reader begins to cough blood red rose petals...

WARNING: Major angst. Blood. Get your tissues ready.

NOTE: This is my take on the fictional disease so please don't attack me if some of the concepts of it is wrong. I just did it so there would be more impact to the story. An explanation for my take on the Hanahaki will be provided down below at the end of the oneshot to avoid any confusions. Other than that, please enjoy!

--

If there was one thing you hated doing, it was breaking promises. And you rarely did it unless it was really necessary. But you hated it when you did. And this... this was a promise you swore you would never break. But here you were, staring down at your bloody palm, examining the rose petals that stuck to your skin.

A lone tear cascaded down your cheek as you wiped the blood from your lips.

It finally got to you. The disease. The same disease that had killed your beloved Mother. And you were sure it was the same one that was going to kill you.

You vividly remembered how your Mother would gush about how beautiful love was. How magical it is and how you'd feel as if you were floating when you experienced it. And in a way, she has a point. But not everything was easy.

Because along with love comes pain. The pain of a broken heart. And as you grew up you realized that love was only beautiful when it was reciprocated. When the person you love is in love with you as well. But like your mom, you weren't so lucky.

You had no one but John now. When your Mother died of the Hanahaki Disease, you swore- vowed, rather, that you would never fall in love. But that was, until John.

The moment you saw the man, you could tell just how miserable he seemed but there was something about him that just drew you in. He charmed women without even noticing it. And so you did the unthinkable and was bold enough to go ask him what drink he wanted and that it was on you.

You worked as a bartender in the Red Circle. And when you spotted John you had no idea what type of man he was and what type of world he lives in. But even after that, you didn't care. You still stuck with him.

And you didn't even plan on doing so. You just wanted to give the man something to look forward to. Something to give him a little boost. But when chaos broke and you were almost shot by Viggo's men, John was brave enough to catch the bullet himself before the rest of them ran out thinking they had finally killed the Baba Yaga.

That night, you couldn't just leave him there dying. You had insisted he goes to the hospital but he told you not to and instructed you to take him to the Continental. The hotel where you didn't even know housed assassins like him. You didn't know why but you had stayed with him the whole while he was being patched up despite the fact he kept telling you to leave because it would be dangerous.

But the stubborn person you are, you decided to stay. And the rest was history from there.

You felt it creep up on you. You could tell because you felt the same itch in your throat that didn't seem to go away ever since your feelings for John got stronger. But the moment you realized you were in love with him, fate had finally decided to give you a sign that the feelings you have for the man just wasn't mutual.

And in a way, you kind of understood why. The wedding band on John's finger was proof of that. It was the proof of his undying love for his late wife, Helen. Who were you to compete with that?

The whole situation caused you to let a laugh under your breath. How ironic. John Wick never intends on hurting you. And yet here he was, being the reason why you're ill today.

---

"Y/N, you need to rest, you've been coughing all day and you don't look too good. I can handle it from here." John tried to approach you but you instinctively moved away from him and sat down on the couch yourself. Your reaction took him aback but he quickly regained his composure and sat down next to you but made sure to give you some distance.

You were pretty sure the handkerchief you were coughing into was full of blood by now and you prayed no petal would fall off or it would only worry John even more. You suspected he knows about the disease as well.

Day by day, it was getting hard for you to breathe. You knew the plant inside your lungs was growing and every night you had battled and hoped it wouldn't be your last night. Even sleeping had come to terrify you. You were afraid you wouldn't wake up anymore.

"Y/N, are you alright? You're not telling me what's going on, I have to know so I can take care of you." John would say, concern written all over his face and your heart ached at the sight because you knew he only meant that as a friend.

"I'm fine, John, I'll be okay I told you it's just allergies." You sighed and stood up to get a glass of water when you felt the familiar itch on your throat creeping up again. But the moment you took a step forward, you leaned forward and began to heave as you wretched out blood along with rose petals on John's floor.

You somehow felt embarrassed but your body fell on the floor as you kept throwing up blood. John was almost sure he would've had a heart attack with what he saw. He immediately went over to you and rubbed your back, panic beginning to creep up in his body.

This was like when Helen was ill.

When you were finished throwing up, you opened your mouth to apologize but you found yourself going limp and passing out in John's arms.

John looked at the blood and rose petals that were smeared all over his floor. The realization hit him like a truck as his face began to go pale. He looked down at your unconscious body in horror.

"Y/N, what the hell..."

---

John couldn't even fathom looking at you like this. Pale and sickly looking. He hadn't noticed just how much you had lost weight and how horrible the bags under your eyes looked. You were always with him but he was too caught up in work that he barely had time to see how his friend was doing.

He knew about the Hanahaki disease. John remembered how someone in Ruska Roma died because of it. But he never expected you to get it.

The assassin pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned back against the uncomfortable plastic chair. Who the hell were you in love with? You had never mentioned anyone from work that caught your eye. Nor did you introduce anyone to John. The idea of someone being the root of all this caused him to clench his fists until his knuckles turned white.

Whoever it was that didn't love you back, John was sure he was going to get a piece of his damn mind.

John's thoughts were cut off when the doctor came in and greeted him with a polite smile. When he looked at Y/N's records, the doctor let out a sigh and John knew this wasn't a good sign.

"Does she have family?" The doctor, Dr. Mercer had asked to which John responded by shaking his head no.

"I'm the only one she has now." Dr. Mercer nodded.

"Mr. Wick, I'm gonna be honest. Miss Y/L/N is in critical condition. The amount of blood that she threw up was very alarming. I'm sure you're aware of the Hanahaki Disease?" John nodded solemnly at the question and never took his eyes off you.

"Well, the plant inside her lungs is growing more and more. And it won't be long until it fully suffocates her. Looking at her x-rays right here, you can see that the plant is almost corrupting her lungs fully." Dr. Mercer showed your x-ray scan to John to which he took carefully and it only made the situation even real.

Was he going to lose another important person in his life? He already lost Helen and Daisy. He only has Dog now. Could he really lose you, too?

"Is there a cure to this?"

"There is. But... both of them aren't as easy as they sound." John looked up at the doctor with a confused look causing Dr. Mercer to sigh.

"In order to cure the patient, the person she's in love with has to love her back. And I don't mean platonic love. I mean, real genuine love. If that doesn't work, then we can surgically remove the root of the plant from her lungs."

John perked up at the mention of surgical removal of the plant. Obviously, whoever this person is didn't love you enough to even cure you. John felt that option two was the only logical option left. Or else, you'd die.

"I think I'd like the plant to be surgically removed from her."

"Mr. Wick, I think the patient has to decide for that. Because even though it could cure her, it would erase everything she felt and remembered about the person. Once the operation is done and successful, that person never existed for her. And unfortunately, Y/N here would be stripped away of the ability to experience romantic love. The removal of the root will cause that as well."

John couldn't believe what he was hearing. Y/N won't experience romantic love anymore? He looked at your frail body and put a hand over his face. He'd heard Dr. Mercer excuse himself but all John could think of was how he was going to save you.

He doesn't want you to live up your life not knowing how it feels to be in love and be loved by the person you're in love with. But if you don't do anything about this, you'd be six feet underground and time was slowly running out.

John's thoughts abruptly stopped when he noticed you waking up from a deep sleep. You had been out of it for about fourteen hours.

You fluttered your eyes open and took in your surroundings. Your throat felt really dry and you could use a tall drink of water. Looking around, your eyes soon fell on John who stood up from his chair and smiled softly down at you.

Your heart fluttered at how beautiful he is. You almost mistook him for an angel.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" He asked softly and brushed away some of your hair away from your face. His touch sent shivers down your spine and in a way, it hurt for him to be here. He was so gentle and patient. Was he like that with Helen? Or was he even more loving when it came to her?

"Like death." You laughed softly as you averted your eyes to the glass of water that was sitting on the table beside your bed, "Can I get a drink, please?"

John immediately took the glass of water and helped you sit up from your bed so you could drink. You were dehydrated from the amount of blood you just threw up hours ago. John gently patted your head when he saw that you drank all of the water from the glass.

"Good girl." He'd praise you and your heart swelled at it but it made you cough a bit.

John sat back down on the plastic chair but brought it closer by your bed as he looked at you in the eye.

"Y/N, who did this to you?" He asked. It took you about a minute to figure out what he was on about. And then you remembered the disease. Your situation probably took a turn for the worse and you assumed what had happened earlier almost scared John to death.

"Y/N." John sighed. "You're one of my most trusted friend. The only friend I probably trust with my whole life, really. But you need to tell me what the fuck is going on. You're dying, honey, and someone is the cause of all this and it's frustrating that I don't know who it is."

It's you, you wanted to say but the words didn't come out the way you wanted them to. You didn't want to see the look on John's face when you laid out the truth. Even now, on the verge of death, you were afraid of what he'd think. You knew he has a lot on his plate and he's just getting the chance to finally grieve for Helen. You didn't want nor had the heart to tell him that he's the reason why you're dying.

"It's no one, John, he-" You pursed your lips and let out a breath as you looked down at your hands that were slightly stained with your own blood, "He went away he- he loves someone else and that's all you need to know."

John nodded and although he was frustrated you didn't tell him everything, you knew it was just because you didn't wanna dive back into the fact that this person didn't reciprocate the feelings you felt. So he understood.

"Y/N, Dr. Mercer gave me two options so you could be cured and he-"

"John, I can't be cured, he doesn't love me." You said firmly and it felt so different saying it in front of him like this when he has no idea it was him all along that you were in love with.

"I know, darling, I know." He grabbed your hand comfortingly and you almost hated him for acting like this when all along you knew it was just platonic. You were just a friend to him. Nothing more and nothing less.

"But then he told me about option two. Option two is that you can get the plant surgically removed from your lungs." You perked up at hearing this.

You never knew it could get surgically removed. Your mother never told you. So why didn't she do it?

"W-What? What do you mean I can get it surgically removed?" You asked as tears began to fill your eyes but John was patient enough to talk you through it.

"You can, it's possible. But it's not that easy, Y/N." He let out another sigh before looking up at your tear filled eyes, "When the operation is successful, all the memories you have of that person will be gone. Including your feelings for him. It was like he never existed. Apart from that, once the plant is removed from your body, you ability to experience romantic love wouldn't be there anymore."

Tears cascaded down your cheeks. Not because you wouldn't be able to fall in love again. But because the thought of forgetting John scared you so much. Were you going to remember him again? Can he reintroduce himself again to you? Or should you not go through with option two?

At that moment, you finally realized why your mother never had the plant inside her get removed. It was far more painful than anything else.

---

"I'm sorry for your loss, Jonathan." Winston would say as he poured a drink for the assassin and John just nodded at him in thanks.

"Some things are beyond our control." John replied as he took a big gulp of his drink. He needed it right now after all.

He just came back from the hospital and that was the first time in a while John had felt so overwhelmed. The hatred he had for himself just increased a ton.

You decided to go through with the operation after giving it a deep thought for a the whole day. John was happy. Although you weren't able to experience romantic love anymore, he assured you he'd be by your side every step of the way. Just like you had been for him.

But what came next almost made him collapse down to his knees.

Aurelio decided to pay you a little visit when your operation was done. He had found out about what had happened from John and you knew the man well enough that he could give you discounts whenever your car had problems.

When it was time for visitors, John felt ecstatic. You were alive. He wasn't losing someone important from him again. When they got inside the room, you had already woken up and had a nurse slowly help you sit up from your bed but the moment your eyes fell on John, he noticed the slight confusion written on your face.

"Y/N, God, I'm so happy the operation was successful." John smiled and tucked a piece of your hair and he noticed how your body stilled from the touch as you looked up at him with wide eyes.

Thhe reaction was weird but John brushed it off and thought that maybe, it was a side effect from the pain killers you'd been taking.

"Aurelio's here and brought you some stuff. You like those cookies from the bakery near his shop, right?" You found yourself nodding slowly at the man's question even though you had no idea who he is.

Who was he? And how does he know your name? How did he know you liked those chocolate chip cookies from that bakery near Aurelio's shop? It was starting to freak you out.

John took notice of your reaction and the nurse excused herself when she was finished checking your vitals. John put a finger underneath your chin to make you look up at him and in your eyes, he saw fear.

You never looked at him like that. Never. Not even once.

"Y/N, darling, what's wrong? Did I do something, why are you-"

"Who are you?" You asked, cutting him off and John looked at Aurelio to see if what he heard was right.

Aurelio looked at him and then back at you with shock written on his face.

"What? Y/N, it's me, John. Your friend, your best friend." John replied but you had no recollection of the man in front of you so you shook your head slowly.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so confused I don't know who you are." You apologized shyly and looked at Aurelio. "Aurelio, is he a friend of yours? I really don't remember him, I don't wanna seem so rude."

John stood there in his spot, completely frozen. You remember Aurelio but you had forgotten him. That could only mean one thing...

"Come on, Y/N, stop fooling around this isn't funny. Tell me you're just joking and you know who I am." John's voice was laced with desperation now and you took notice of how his eyes were starting to fill with tears and you had a sense he hated crying in front of people.

Why did you feel so guilty? As if you'd done something wrong?

You looked up at the man apologetically and shook your head at him. "I'm so sorry, John, I really don't know who you are. I believe I just met you. Aurelio would have introduced you to me back then but... I don't remember that he has."

John couldn't take it. Everything was so overwhelming. When he gruffly excused himself you watched as he hurriedly made his way out of your room and Aurelio followed soon after probably to chase after him.

You had no idea of who he was but you could never forget how heartbroken he seemed when he looked at you.

Did you know him before?

John, on the other hand, needed to get out of there and he ignored Aurelio's calls as he got into his car and sped down the road. He felt guilty for leaving you there all alone, probably so confused as to why you were there in the first place but he just needed to have his space.

And so here he was, sharing a drink with Winston.

"You weren't entirely fair with her as well, Jonathan. You couldn't blame her if she hadn't told you."

"I was grieving for my wife." John stated to which Winston replied with a hum.

"But you could've showed her you felt the same way. Maybe told her. Hanahaki disease is a complicated kind of illness. Y/N believed you were still in love with Helen. And maybe you still are. That's why she was on the verge of dying that day. But it could all have been cured if you two had just acted on your feelings right away. A lot of people die from that, you know."

John stayed silent and poured himself another drink.

He had moved on from Helen a year after the whole incident with Viggo and his son. If Helen was alive, she would've wanted John to live his life fully and that was the only way he could honor her. And he did, and that was thanks to you.

You were like a breath of fresh air and John was scared he might ruin the peace that you had in your life. And he kind of did in a way. But you were too stubborn to leave until he just couldn't handle the thought of you leaving.

Like you, it crept up on John and the familiar itch on his throat, as if he was about to cough kept popping out of nowhere. Especially when you were near him. And for a moment, he didn't want to believe he caught it. He couldn't be possibly catching feelings for you it was a dangerous game to play.

John believed everything he touched turns to ash and he wasn't turning you into one. You deserved far more better than that. And it'd be impossible for you to feel the same way about him, he's too damaged to be loved at this point. But it's true when they say that you can't help who you fall in love.

But today, today was different than the others. John placed the glass down and leaned back on his chair and soon leaned forward when he began to cough and cough and cough.

Winston looked at John with an unreadable expression on his face. As if he knew it was coming. Somehow, he felt bad for the man. He had lost his wife and the dog she gave to him. And in a way he lost you even though you were still perfectly alive.

And now the disease had caught up to him.

His hunch was right when he saw the blood on John's palm. John stared down at it and noticed that there were petals of your favorite flower sticking onto his hand along with his own blood.

The assassin stayed silent as he grabbed his handkerchief from his coat and wiped the bloody residue off his skin.

Winston poured the man another drink but this time, he didn't pour himself some. He knew John needed it more than he did.

"Are you going to remove it or not?"

John looked at Winston but the manager took it upon himself to get up from the chair and leave Jonathan alone in the rooftop to decide.

This was all a bad case of wrong timing and lack of courage, obviously. And John leaned back against the chair and pinched the bridge of his nose as he felt a tear slip down his cheek.

Was he ready to go? Or will he risk forgetting about you like you did to him?

John realized just how difficult this all was. He realized now that it hurt to have you forget about him completely. Like he was dead to you. But knowing you, you would've made the decision just so you could live for John's sake. He knew you decided to live even though it would be hard on the both of you.

Because in your mind, you probably chose to live and see John again even though you had forgotten about him rather than die and let him live this world all alone without you.

But would it be the same for John? Could he really forget about you? Or was it time for him to go and let you be free?

Either way, as he began to cough once again, he knew that he needed to think fast and decide.

Time is gold and he's slowly running out of that.

---

A/N: I know in some stories this is not how the Hanahaki disease works but this is my take on it. Reader almost died because she believed that John would never love her the way she did. When all along, John was slowly developing feelings for her and while he did, he also didn't believe she'd have feelings for him because he believes he's too damaged to be loved. To put it shortly, my understanding of the Hanahaki is that as long as the protagonist believes the enamoured doesn't love them back, they'll slowly die. But as long as the enamoured confesses to the protagonist, they'll be cured of the disease. And if that doesn't work, the plant can be surgically removed.

The disease caught up to John and the reader because they didn't act upon their feelings and confessed to each other right away. They both believed everything was platonic between them. As a result, they kept it to themselves until it slowly killed them. In other words, this is all a bad case of wrong timing and lack of courage to say what they really wanted to say to each other.

[lilhemmo]

Can I request a sequel to "I'll always be with you"? Maybe reader finding out she's pregnant and freaking out cause they still have a toddler?

read i’ll always be with you here!

ps, thanks for requesting a part two. you wanted pain?! here comes the pain ;) 

When Evangeline turns four, you decide to sit her down and tell her about her father. Her real father.

As per usual, she’s stubborn and unwilling to accept anyone other than Sweet Pea as the only dad she’s ever known. She puts on a pout that looks a little bit like you when you want to eat cookie dough out of the tub and Sweet Pea tells you it’s bad for your health. But, it’s those deep eyes looking miles into your soul that make the both of you break down.

Sweet Pea starts the process of legally adopting her two days later.

You swear that it’s just the process of him choosing your daughter that your deadbeat boyfriend left behind that’s making you emotional. Of course you’d want to eat a whole tub of pickles dipped in soft serve because Sweet Pea is just that nice. It’s normal, right?

Except at the next family get together, your mom notes that you look like you’ve gained a little weight around your middle. You put your hand to your stomach a little too defensively, but try to shrug it off and tell her that you’ve got a real man taking care of you and you’re just fat and happy. 

Then you take off to the convenience store as soon as you’ve put both Pea and Eve to bed. You leave a note on the counter that you’re running out for tampons, but you pick up a pregnancy test instead.

Actually, you pick up three. Just in case.

The first one pops a negative, but you use both of the remaining tests just to be sure. Your stomach starts to churn as you await the results, and you’re nothing short of breathless when the two tests both show stripes resulting in a positive.

There are a few choice words you use in the moment and you’re glad your toddling daughter is currently snoozing a few rooms over.

For some reason it takes you another week and three more pregnancy tests to finally break the news to someone. And it’s not even on purpose.

Sweet Pea rakes in enough cash with his auto shop and the Wyrm that you can afford to only work part-time, a virtual job that you can work from the comforts of your very own home. Toni comes to visit you on Tuesdays after her early morning shift at the local bookstore before she heads out to the Wyrm, but you tell her to bring you decaf instead of your regular and she knows.

“So, how far along are you?”

You spit out your disgusting decaf, half-thanking her that you don’t have to drink anymore of it. It’s a horrid substitute.

“Before you try to make up some bull crap lie about trying to get healthy because you want to be the perfect soccer mom, I also noticed that you only drank water at the Wyrm the past couple of weeks, and you’re wearing baggy clothing even though you haven’t gained that much weight.” Toni looks at you knowingly, raising a dark brow and flashing you that beautiful smirk that means she’s been onto you for a while. “Plus, you’re glowing.”

You cave, “I went to the doctor when I found out just to be sure, and I’m five weeks.”

“You need to tell Pea,” Toni crosses her arms over her chest as if she were scolding you. She licks her lips, but you beat her to it: “I know, Topaz. I’m working on that part. Right after I get over the fact that we have a four year-old and I’m pregnant.”

Toni shakes her head and chuckles, “Pea is gonna be excited, and you know it.”

Deep down you know she’s right, but anxiety creeps up your neck like a spider that you know you can’t swat away.

Toni offers to take Evangeline for the weekend so you and Sweet Pea can go on a date and do some house chores with no interruptions. You think you’ll even be able to catch up on that Hulu show you’ve been binge-watching.

But, a rough bought of morning sickness makes you less than eager to go out that night, coupled with the swell of your belly that you can’t hide under a form-fitting set of clothes. Sweet Pea senses that something is wrong and you both love and hate him for it.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asks you as he pulls on his Serpent vest. He approaches you where you sit on the edge of the bed, slotting his knees between your thighs and leaning down to press a kiss to the crown of your head. “You’ve been off lately, but I figured it was just because Evie was starting to lose her teeth and got gum in her hair the other day. But this is something else.”

You can’t help it. You blurt, “Do you want more kids?”

Sweet Pea is down on his knees in a millisecond, his hands cupping your cheeks as he forces you to look him in the eyes, “Hey, of course I do. Where is this coming from?”

You lick your lips and damn your hormones. “When do you want kids?”

“Baby,” he pushes your hair away from your eyes so he can look at you clearly. His voice is soft and husky and if it were any other conversation you’d have him in your sheets already.

That word makes you unravel. Tears leak down your eyes and you duck your head so you don’t have to look at him and face the truth.

“Hey,” he cradles you to his chest, rising just enough to hold you. “I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s wrong. C’mon, I love you, no matter what. What’s making you feel this way?”

You furiously wipe at your face, hating your body for betraying you like this. How dare you not be in control of your own emotions? Are they even yours anymore? Is this how you’re going to be like as a two-child mom?

Sweet Pea can read your mind, it seems, because he runs his palm over your head, smoothing your hair as he whispers, “Stop thinking so hard and talk to me, sweetheart.”

“I’m pregnant.”

Time stops.

In those milliseconds where it takes him to respond, you’ve already formulated a plan to pack your bags and find someone else to stay with because there’s no way that Sweet Pea is okay with having another baby while you still have a toddler to raise. The societal norm of premarital children shouldn’t bear a weight on you, but it does for some reason and you can’t help but wonder what everybody else will think.

“I’m gonna be a dad to two babies?” he asks in astonishment, his hands already touching your body so much more gingerly than before.

You swipe at your face and your voice shakes, “I-I I’m sorry, Pea, I don’t know how-”

“Oh, I’ll show you how,” he practically growls into your neck, gently tilting you back onto the bed so he can straddle your waist. Sweet Pea’s eyes are shining with admiration and hunger and it lights you on fire and chills you to the bone at the same time.

He catches sight of the absolute terror in your eyes and it breaks him out of his carnal reaction to simmer down and treat you tenderly. He brushes kisses all over your face and down your neck to your collarbones, feather-light and intimate.

“I am so sorry you’ve had to go through this alone,” he murmurs, mouth hot against your flesh. He noses your earlobe and it’s like you’re the only people in the universe when he speaks, “I can’t wait to see you waddling around the house unable to see your feet. You’ll be so pretty, baby, so pretty. I can’t believe it.”

Damn your hormones. They can’t let you have anything, can they?

“Pea,” your voice cracks, “I still have Evangeline.”

“We have Evangeline,” he reminds you, tone firm. Sweet Pea stares you straight in the eyes, those chocolate irises swirling with too many shades of emotion to count. He kisses your nose, “You don’t have to do this alone.”

“I know, but I just...she’s so young, babe, and I just don’t know if we’re any kind of ready.” You sniffle and lick your lips, shaking your head as reality comes crashing down on you in waves, “She hasn’t even started kindergarten yet. A-And I don’t-I just don’t know if we’re financially stable to support them both and I don’t want you to feel trapped and I-”

He doesn’t kiss you to shut you up, because he knows how that would piss you off. Instead, He leans forward and presses his forehead to yours until you understand that he’s not going anywhere.

“I own the garage, girl,” he laughs, touching his lips to yours in a brief peck. “If I need to take more payroll, I can. And I practically own the Wyrm, once I can buy it out of Veronica’s slippery hands. We’re golden, baby. We’ll be alright.”

You look at him and for the first time since you craved pickles dipped in soft serve, you realize that he might just be right.

“Are you sure?” You have to give him one last out, one last escape plan, before you’ll ever convince yourself that you’re not trapping him into this life.

Sweet Pea crushes your lips with his as if to convey the message without words. He runs his palm against the expanse of your belly underneath your shirt, a smile gracing his lips even as he keeps on kissing you. His thumb tickles your navel but you don’t care because your belly is alight with fire for this man who will stop at no ends to make sure that you are safe and happy.

“I love you,” you find yourself repeating like a mantra. “I love you so much, I love you.”

He echoes his words against your lips and just as you roll your hips into him, you feel the coolness of metal against your left hand.

“Please?” he asks, breath stuttering as he leans back to look you in the eyes.

You don’t care about the size of the rock on your finger because you know this man loves you. And size isn’t always important, and even when he does, he’s got it where it counts.

“You didn’t even have to ask,” you murmur before yanking him down by the lapels to kiss him again.

And you don’t plan on stopping any time soon. You have the house to yourselves, after all.

-

now you guys have me wanting to do a part three!!! what the literal heck man!!!!

a/n: on a serious note, drop me an ask and let me know what you think! if you’d like, request another prompt!

[ireallywannabeskinny]

I edit this daily, wish me luck

Day 1: can't stop binging&doing it way too much, which is not a great thing for my weight or health

Day 2: when i overeat w/o controlling it or when i'm not even hungry, but eat everything that i can find (even though it may not be something that i usually enjoy eating)

Day 3: cw: ~124lbs well it's a long story, but longstoryshort i was skinnier and now i'm too fat:))

Day 4: fast day so no snack

Day 5: anything. Like literally anything. Chocolates, fruits, ramen, oats, ice cream, every type of sweets that i can find, sometimes i even try to find ANYTHING high-cal just to kinda hurt myself more, so yeah that's sucks to be me especially when i binge

Day 6: i guess, it started when my ed started, but when i moved to america, binging became so much more often and bigger because of all the new snacks and foods that i wanted to try. I still haven't tried even half of it because i always restrict and then end up binging with a bunch of unhealthy food. For several weeks after moving to US, i ate ONLY apples, so obviously, that didn't go well and here i am

Day 7 (binge): Usually it happens in the evening or even at night, but sometimes i binge during the day because of my crazy cravings

Day 8: I was at my lowest weight last summer, which was so goood at all means, and now when i really think about it, my weight gain was kind of inevitable because i moved to america and it was a very stressful time for me, i just didn't have energy/time/opportunity to count my calories or simply monitor nutrition. I can't even seem to remember how exactly I've gained, tbh

Day 9: don't really have some constant source of inspiration, but for now the person who helps me stay on track is a ed-blog on insta @/e_d_memes

Day 10: pretty much i guess. I constantly hate myself and my body, but when i binge, i hate it even more (if it's even possible), and the state of a constant hate is really exhausting

Day 11: ooohh that one is haaard. I am not sure, but i think my answer would be telling my mum about s/h. In fact, i didn't actually had tims to tell her, it was a doctor appointment and the doctor asked to undress, so as it happened in front of my mother, she saw my scars and... brrrh i don't wanna remember this day in so much detail

Day 12: I binge because if i am even relatively close to losing self-control, I WILL lose it, but ofc i'll promise myself that it's "just this one time" and "because it's the last time", i'll eat everything i see, but it's never "last time", i repeat the same process over and over again and i'm not sure that i'll ever find a way to stop because tbh deep inside i love bingeing because it is an easy-to-hide way of s/h and i like torturing myself:')

Day 13: heh it would probably sounds unusual, but i don't really care about staying hydrated (not in a bad way "don't care", i just hardly ever count my water intake). I simply drink, when i am thirsty or want to drink something (most of the times it's just water or lemon water or zero calorie sport drink) and i'm pretty sure that i drink enough to stay hydrated because i drink A LOT and VERY OFTEN, without any kinds of reminders

Day 14: i guess it is. I never thought about it, but my binge may be emotional bc i often seek calmness in the food, when i'm stressed/upset/etc. When i am bored, i cook or/and eat, BUT... maybe my binges aren't emotional because i don't usually binge because i'm upset or stressed out, i just eat more than i would normally do:)

DAY 15: Yay! Feelin Greeeeatt! Only binged once, so really proud of myself, don't know what else to say, i just feel really-really good about these last 15 (14) days, it was too hard sometimes, but i did it and going to continue this binge-free thingy, which i am looking forward to

[hoopdiddies]

I'm Not Over You// Ben Hardy x Reader (10.1)

A/N: The last part! Here you go! Thanks for supporting the entire series, guys. Means a lot ♥ ♥

Summary: A wedding brought you apart and it will be a wedding that will bring you back together

Warnings: Microscopic angst and FULL ON FLUFF

WC: 3k

Tags: @haendel-me-with-care

@mrsdoradominguez-barnes

@mickmoon

@lakef

@mrsmazzello

@valeriecarolinaw

@queen-turtle-boiii

@loveandbeloved29

@hazme2

@boherahpsody

Parts: 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

"What- I thought Gwil- never mind, did I hurt your shoulder?" You stumble over your words and he chuckles, the curve his red lips are sporting making your insides melt.

"No, you didn't."

"Oh thank heavens. Sure I didn't add to your injuries? " You had to say it but luckily, he shakes his head good-naturedly and seems to have shrugged off the issue. "I'm okay now. I've been for so long actually." At least you've got the conversation going, against the odds of you doubting that it might've ended up awkward with how long you haven't been in touch. You smile crookedly and rub your arm, sighing profoundly to say another word but as you open your mouth to do so, Ben beats you to it. "What about you? How've you been?"

You shrug. "Same old but tortured...and pissed...at Joe...for doing me injustice like that." He rubs the back of his hair and cocks his head to one side. "Oh? Tell me about it."

You give him a brief, speculative look– thinking that it's a miracle you're talking normally like you haven't kissed each other the day you left him lamenting on a hospital bed, been in contact for an entire year and made love with your eyes during the ceremony– in that order.

You snap out of it and look around the busy reception. "I- well-"

"To make it easier, let's head out for a walk on the beach, shall we?" Ben steps aside to let you leave before him and you tuck a tendril of your hair behind your ear, nodding as you walk ahead. He follows you out and you glance over your shoulder, looking past him and seeing Joe wiggle his brows at you from their table– to which you widen your eyes in annoyance and a little gratitude.

Your walk has been graced with the twinkle of a thousand stars and the calm splash of the evening waves against the shore. You've let your hair down from the tight bun you've put it in and taken off your sandals to traipse along the water while Ben remains along the dry sand to stay practical– not that you aren't. He just has his shoes on while you're holding onto yours.

You haven't strolled far from the party with the lamps spanning from the vicinity within the reception still present as you tread along. You've told him all about Barcelona and your studies and everything else concerning your life there; so far it's been good and jolly. He's taken a new project and is in the process of filming, something you've congratulated him on as well– the previous one being his full recovery and you didn't bother to bring up the prior events to that, it might just lead to something you'd lose your voice to talk about. It's a relief that you are able to share a few laughs in between, something you thought wouldn't be possible anymore. You haven't talked to each other like this is ages.

"I guess we're both working our fingers to the bone." He chuckles and stops in his tracks to enjoy the breeze. You involuntarily mimic his stance and stand semi-still on the water, tossing your sandals onto the driest part of the sand.  "I guess. Business before pleasure they say."

"Well my business is my pleasure so it seems like it only applies to you." The smile on his face widens thoroughly and you scoff underneath your breath, swinging your leg back and forth, creating mini splashes. "Excuse me, it applies to neither of us. I love working for something I know will finally lead to my dream."

He hums and bends down to pick up a pebble, casting it smoothly against the water and makes three skips. "It just occurred to me that you never once told me anything about your dream to become a doctor or anything." You give him a fleeting smile and shake your head, crossing your arms as you begin admiring the sky. "If I had told anyone, it wouldn't come true."

"Seriously?"

You raise your hands up briefly in defense and let out a chuckle, bending down to pick up a pebble to skip as well. "I'm living proof that it's effective, you should try it sometime." While you cast your pebble and watch it skip, he studies you intently and with great focus, drawing in a sharp breath before taking off his shoes to join your spot in the shallow water. He sets it aside and stands next to you, lifting his gaze up to the sky and then to you as you take in the cluster of stars dotting the heavens.

The gleam in your eyes as you beam at the starry view puts him under a spell and you sense his piercing stare, encouraging you to catch his fixed look. "What is it this time?"

He gulps, his mouth going dry. "I've sent you a message a couple of weeks back. Never got a response from you..."

You angle your head to one side amusingly. "I replied? Maybe you just don't check your inbox that much- and wait, I changed my number, how did you-"

"Our boy, Joe."

Of course. Joe really needs a new girl in his life, he must be exhausted from being such a mediator.

"And yes, I don't check my inbox a lot. Busy as a bee lately." He adds with a defeated smile present. You weave your fingers together, keeping your vision limited to the horizon yet sensing his eyes penetrate through you.

A little shy to let him see your blush creeping up your cheeks, you tear yourself away from his gaze and sigh inwardly. "I know that look somehow."

"For the third time asked in this lifetime, would you care to finish the dance we had at the after party? A dance to satisfy all the dances we never had the chance to finish. "

Your mouth shamelessly hangs like an attic door with loose hinges at how he was able to remember that. You recall his attending physician say that there would be no risks of amnesia or any sort of memory loss, although he shouldn't be able to recall minor details.

But then your dance wasn't a minor memory.

Ben's still waiting for your answer and you recompose yourself from the jaw drop, stuttering in the slightest as you speak up.  "Uh y-yeah. I mean, we never get to finish dances, am I right?"

Without tethering himself from taking your hand in his, he draws you close to him, the movement of your legs making small ripples and swishes in the water. You can't keep a firm eye on him and as he understands your uncertainty due to how long it's been since the pair of you have closed a distance, he manually positions your arms around his neck, putting a little forethought into snaking his hands around your waist to ease you into it again.

"Hey, like old times, right?" He cajoles softly and you look up at him.

"Like old times." You repeat after him and find it easy to stare into his eyes again, once more submitting yourself to the metronomic beat of your heart. He initiates with light sway, feeling the crashing waves beneath your feets put an effect to how you're moving. With you studying every detail of his face adoringly, you notice the small yet noticeable scar on the near left of his forehead; a small residue of his injury. You frown as you reach up to trace your finger smoothly across his scar, your heart breaking at the memory of that night.

Ben takes notice of your flitting expression and cups your cheek to alleviate the worry you've put yourself in at the sight of his scar. "Hey, hey. Don't worry about it, I'm okay now."

You hang your head apologetically, chewing on your bottom lip with the urge to bring up what you wanted to suppress out of guilt.

"I'm sorry if I left you like that. At the time you really needed me the most, I scrammed and ghosted you for an entire year. I broke my promise, your arm and a small fraction of your skull," as inappropriate as it is to laugh a little at it, you let it slip past your lips anyway to give it a stretch and lighten the weight on your shoulders, "and it's all thanks to Joe for making up that worst case scenario."

Joe did say you'd hurt him on every possible level– ranging from physical to spiritual. Though you didn't afflict him physically per se, your carelessness on the highway did. "I'm so sorry, Ben, for letting my emotions get in the way of what we had. Our friendship. You loved someone else then and being in a way cursed with unrequited feelings, I-I had to distance myself."

He assures you with a loose smile, twirling you under his arm and leisurely pulling you back to his body. "Every bit of it is alright. I had sworn on the day we met that I'd protect you with every fiber of my being and I should be the one that's sorry. All you ever did was love me," he stares down at you intimately, lifting your hand to his lips and kissing your knuckles, "though how clueless and unbearable I was," a kiss to your wrist, "through all my complaints and nasty fits," a kiss to your cheek, the sensation making you giggle slightly, "through my clumsy tendencies, " a kiss to your nose, "through all my mood swings after a bad day on set," an elongated kiss on your forehead, parting away deliberately before flicking his eyes to your lips and back to your Y/E/C orbs. He gulps audibly at how he's asking you for permission to do it. "When I couldn't return that love to you because I was blind enough to let Rosy stay. For loving me...in both my lowest and highest."

He's risking a few inches in but you can tell he's holding back. You slacken your arms from his neck, little by little dropping them to your sides as his green eyes finally overwhelm you.

The corner of his eyes crinkle as he smiles, breathing out the words you've long waited for. "You've held my heart in your hands even when you were miles away and though you won't be staying for long, I'll always be waiting." In the same way you had when you left, you tip your head back to let his lips meet yours only this time it doesn't take him by surprise. Your lips don't move against each other for a few seconds and you pull away, breathless.

His green eyes are wide yet flecked with awe, unruly brows lightly creased together with small strands of his combed back, blond hair falling into them but they soften as the smile on his face widens. "You're not with Joe, are you?"

You chuckle, shaking your head and heaving out a defining exhale. "I never was. You're not with Rosy anymore, are you?"

He shakes his head as well and it appears the blissful grin on his face won't be coming off anytime soon.

"Long done. I love you, and you alone."

You'll be blaming him later for the ear-splitting grin now etched on your face.

"I love you too, Benjamin."

He throws his head back in relief and lifts you up in his arms, tilting his head back as he savors the full feeling of your lips on his, the kiss gradually becoming open-mouthed.

As if on cue, the fireworks meant for Rami and Lucy come launching up into the sky and bursting into bright colors, the sparks raining down and vanishing into thin air shortly after. Cheers of the people emanate from the party as Lucy and Rami share the same kiss from outside at the same time you and Ben are. You pull away with unridable grins on your faces and share the magical sight of the fireworks lighting up the night sky with no other disturbances to ruin the moment.

"You think they'd start wondering where we are?" You hum with your head rested against his chest. He kisses your hair and smiles as he tightens his hold around you, revelling deep in the moment.

"They'd get the idea, babe. They'd get the idea."

Lucy was right, Ben has always been your soulmate; the three dances you've had in your lifetime somehow always brought you back to each other. Hopefully the one you just had will be the one that will never tear you both apart ever again.

You've yet to thank Joe for tricking you into thinking that it was Gwilym he wanted to spin you off to.

How magical is that tape you used to stick the polaroids together?

It somehow pieced you and Ben in the same manner and stood the test of time.

-Fin-

[pbandjesse]

I don't want to do my post I am so tired. But I will do it because that is what I do. And I always feel better afterwards. Today was great and I really want to tell you all about it.

Last night was really hard. I was in a lot of pain and I didn't know how to deal with it and so I was kind of lashing out at James a bit and was just very upset. We talked it out and everything's fine and we had a great day together I was just in a lot of pain and was very sad. And we had to call 911 at one point because someone was upstairs just absolutely screaming for like an hour. It was really scary sounding. And I hate calling 911. It stresses me out.

I felt weird when we woke up but we got out of bed and got dressed and left here early. We biked down to the harbor and then over to the medical center. I checked in but apparently I had done something wrong on the questionnaire. The question was did it happen on someone else's property and I said yes. Apparently that through the system off somehow. But it was fine we went we waited and soon enough they were taking us back.

I'm glad I had James there to kind of keep me honest. Customer service Jesse tends to come out when I'm in these types of situations and I down play stuff. So having him there helped curbed that a bit. I did not like seeing how much I weigh. That always makes me upset. But it's fine. I'm still working on losing weight because I want to be healthy again but numbers always upset me. But it's okay.

When I showed the nurse my bruise she was legit silent for 10 seconds. She was in the middle of a sentence when I pulled my skirt up to show her and she just stopped and stared. She was shocked. It was not what she was expecting. The doctor basically did the same thing when she came in. They were very surprised that I had continued to bike and hadn't taken any time off work. But they understood my reasoning. And they understood that I just kept feeling like it was just a bruise. And honestly the doctor was very concerned about my elbow to especially because I was having trouble bending and it was hurting really bad last night and today. It's not so bad anymore. Most of the pain has subsided. But I think that's because they put me on pain medication. I'm taking two different things. And I don't hurt at all so that's nice. And Keith were hurting really bad today to from stress and pressure in the air. And all that pain is gone. Very good pain medication.

Basically the doctor said to ice it and then put heat on it. Couple times a day if I can. Elevating it and epsom salt baths as much as possible. She also said that I might need to get some physical therapy if I lose strength in it but because I'm still biking and working on yoga and things she doesn't think that will be too much of an issue. She gave me a sheet that says what I should look out for and basically told me it was a really bad deep tissue wound but I'll be okay. They did some Wound Care on my elbow and wrapped it. And then sent me to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions.

The wrap they put on my arm made it so I couldn't do much and it was a bit of a mess. And then I just kind of fell out of it. But we got everything and then we went to IHOP.

James was very focused on this call back from the job. I really hope they get back to him soon because he really needs those. Just emotionally it would be so good for him. But we have a nice breakfast. And then we biked back to my apartment.

I cleaned up a little bit and he carried the box of toys for the kids. But it was very hot outside and the wrap they put on my arm was hurting me really bad. So we stopped and took it off of me. But I was still in pain so we took off the under bandages well once we got to the bus stop. I really really appreciate all of James help today. He really makes me feel cared about even when I'm having trouble accepting that.

But we got the bus and headed to school. And it was really fun having him there. We got in the building and went to my storage closet. I showed him some stuff but we spent the first 45 minutes organizing. I told James what he could clean and what he could sort through. I'm made labels and swept and dealt with trash. We cleaned off the boards and put things away. It was really good. We were very very accomplished and it was really nice having him there. Chelsea came and was laughing about how we did her job for her. And then we went for a walk. I introduced him to a couple people and we sat and Marcus is classroom for a bit with some of the other teachers. Hung out and I showed James off to all of the people in the school. Everyone thought he was so handsome and kind and funny. Because he is and it's true.

We went downstairs to get the kids and they are so excited to meet him. Darielle screeched. And there was very many handshakes. It was so funny all the adults wanted to hug him and all of the kids wanted to shake his hand. The kids were getting their report cards today so we had to wait for a couple of them but they were getting really antsy so I had James take them upstairs. They were very excited to be able to ask him questions and interrogate him about stuff and threaten him. But they were very excited to take him upstairs.

I came up a few minutes later and we told them what the plan was for the day. Formally introduce them to James. I told them what happened at the doctors. And ask them where they wanted to have their party and they voted to have it inside. But they also wanted to still have recess. So then we went outside for recess.

Recess was really good but they locked the basketball court again so I couldn't show off my skating skills to James as much as I wanted but that's okay. We skated up and down the sidewalk for a bit. But mostly James stayed inside playing basketball with the little kids. I went and checked on him a few times and he just looks so cute with all the kids being so much smaller than him.

I was finally able to connect with my dad on the phone. But he upset me because he wanted to go and upgrade my phone without me ever seeing what phone he's upgrading to. But I've only had my phone since January so I don't even want an upgrade. And I've been saying for like a month now what phone I do want when I do get an upgrade in a year or so. And I was very distressed and overheated. And I'm dealing with a lot with how much pain I'm in a my injury and moving and all the stuff and I didn't need to be told that all of a sudden I was going to need to get another phone. I don't want another phone. I just got this phone. And he didn't understand why I was being difficult when he was doing something nice. But it didn't feel like something nice it felt like something controlling. Just because you can get a free phone from a BOGO sale. But we still have to buy the phone. Upgrades are not free. You still pay for the phone. And I'm trying to explain this to him and I'm like why are you involving me in this we can just add you on the lines for our family plan. But he was obsessed with this free phone. Just let Mom handle this she has been doing it for over a decade and she's good at it. She gets us discounts she make sure everything is the way it's supposed to be. There's no reason for him to take over on this thing that he does not understand. And it was very upsetting and distressing to be almost crying in front of my students for no reason. But we Change the topic and he's going to come visit for Father's Day.

And I am really glad to see him I want him to come here and hang out with me. But I don't like when he does things like that. It's very upsetting to be told I'm being ungrateful when it's something I didn't even ask for. I have enough money now that I could pay for my own phone plan and I appreciate that they keep me on the family plan but still. It's not a necessity and when you hold something that you are doing as a kindness over someone else That makes me not want to ever take any help. And it's something I'm working on right now because I have a lot of toxic Behavior about doing things on my own. And not accepting help from other people. So to have that thrown in my face really hurts.

We took the kids back inside though. And we went right back to our classroom to have our pizza party. I was in charge of handing out pizza. James did drinks. And Chelsea kind of directed traffic. It was a really fun day. We had chips and cupcakes. We had ice cream. The kids got to go to the art store. It was really nice. I gave them all the gifts that I had bought with their comic book money. I got lots of hugs. There was music and dancing. I made a couple more glitter jars with a couple of the girls that weren't here yesterday and then we use the leftover soda bottles to make two big glitter jars. It was a lot of fun. I love having James there in the classroom with me. The kids really liked him too and that was nice. And we used a couple of constellation rules like most quiet table gets to come get food first. And that was really really nice. And Chelsea like him too so that was cool.

We finished up the day with very many hugs. I told everyone they had to give me a hug before they left and they all complied mostly. Ahmad let me hug him but he wouldn't hug me. It's okay. Damon and some of the girls were just holding on to me and didn't want to let go. China was a very sweet one because she hug me and just kind of said to me that she was really going to miss having me as her teacher. And it was very very sweet and soft. Something that doesn't always come through with her. But I can tell she's trying. And that's all that matters.

We cleaned up the room and then I took the final few kids and James up to the cafeteria. Dallas and de'arra asked if they could have boxes to carry the rest of their art until they ran to go get those and soon enough it was time to go. Everyone agreed to meet at karaoke later. And then me and James went to get the bus.

I was in a very good mood when we laughed and we waited and it was too hot but I really enjoyed being with him and I just felt happy. We got back home and I took a shower and got cleaned up. James changed his shirt and around 7 we left to walk to the hotel. Took way less time than we thought it would though.

We got there about 7:05. And no one was there yet. So we went across the street to the park and watched a little bit of the concert that was happening. Mostly just enjoy each other's company. James was very stressed about the whole job thing so I was just trying to comfort him. He said he felt selfish but I like being able to be there for each other. I like that we have that given taken it's not one-sided. But then as we're sitting there we see Tiffany so we head back over to the hotel.

We get in there in the rooms are very small but it ended up being really fun. That's the other thing that was happening was trivia. I did one song with Linnea. A Tom Lehrer song called the masochism Tango. They were all very confused by it. But it was very fun and very silly. I kind of wish I did poisoning pigeons in the park instead but that's all right. But the trivia was what excited James.

Once other people from the school started showing up we were able to get three teams and it was groups of 2. And me and James is team was called Team Rocket. And we ended up winning. James is very good at trivia. Obviously. And I was a little annoyed with myself because I got one wrong that I should have gotten right and mostly he knew the answer is not me. But it was really fun being able to do it together. The music one was the hardest one and neither of us knew like any of the songs so that was frustrating. But the rest of it was really fun and good and I'm really glad we got to do it. And at the end we want a $50 gift card for the fancy restaurant at the top of the hotel. So we're going to get to go on a date together. I'm very excited. And James is only a little tipsy and I like Tipsy James. He's very cute and affectionate.

I went back to the karaoke room to say goodbye. Show Marshall, my boss, my crazy leg bruise and told him what happened. He cursed out loud when I showed him. He was very surprised. And then we all sing one more song. As a group. I just wanted to see Chelsea sing something and then we say goodbye. Chelsea gave me a big hug and told me to keep her updated on my leg. But I'll see her tomorrow. It's fun day for the little kids and we're all helping out in the morning. I'm really glad Chelsea is my co-teacher. I love working with her. But she's also just a really good person and I think we're becoming friends more than just co-workers.

Me and James walked back to my apartment. He took the cheese out of my fridge that he can make dinner and we said goodbye.

I cooked pasta salad for lunch tomorrow and had a couple cookies. I cleaned up and try to play with this expandable rod thing I got. And accidentally cut my hand open. Which is almost worse than when I first open the package earlier and it exploded in my face and almost killed me. Not my best purchase. Very sharp. But I cleaned up and now I'm in bed. Today's been wonderful. I feel confident about my leg and it was a really good school year. And I'm looking forward to a quiet week. Just some BMI days and moving stuff and a good time. I hope you all have a great night. Sleep well everybody. Be safe out there. Until next time.

[laqualassiel]

Live by the Sword Ch. 1

Yes, I’m aware I have too many stories, but I’ve got all the way through Alabasta planned out and it’s the only thing I can actually write at the moment.

Kuina is twelve when she first meets Roronoa Zoro.

The boy is loud. His voice easily carries over the noise of afternoon drills, and her father sees to the visitor. His words are too soft to hear, but the boy's proclamation - a dojoyaburi - has the students abandoning practice to eavesdrop by the door leading to the engawa. As such, Kuina has no trouble hearing the terms of the challenge.

It seems her father will be acquiring a new student.

"Kuina!" Her father calls. Kuina yanks back some of her father's students and steps through the doorway, shinai in hand. Seeing her opponent, Kuina lets out a short huff. The boy is a brat. Younger than her and a whole head shorter. This… moss head defeated the neighboring dojos? Kuina defeated them in several taryu-shiai, but she did not realize they were so weak as to lose to this pathetic brat of a swordsman.

The brat now cursing at her father. "What the hell?! You're not the one fighting?"

Koshiro does not lose his friendly smile. "Even though Kuina is a girl, she is stronger than the adults in the dojo."

Kuina fights to keep her expression neutral. She is not stronger than every adult. Kuina has yet to defeat her father, a feat she is quickly running out of time to achieve. Already, her body is beginning to change. Her breasts are growing, large enough now that she requires support during her training. No period yet, but the town doctor has told her to expect it within the year.

She's entering puberty. Soon the boys will surpass her for the simple fact that they are male and she is not.

"I am not a father that brags about his daughter." Koshiro tells the kid. Truth. Koshiro has not hidden from Kuina his wish she had been born his son. Has not hidden his desire for an heir to pass onto his dojo.

"I got it!" The kid shouts, and Koshiro invites him inside.

The kid grabs seven shinai, and Kuina stares in disbelief. Three in each hand and one between his teeth. The brat surely doesn't think he can beat her like that? If so, Kuina will have to take offense.

Kuina defeats the kid easily, scattering shinai across the dojo, and sending Moss Head skidding across wood floors. She revises her earlier assumption of their neighbors' skills. They had grown weak, if their conqueror could lose in two blows.

The kid gets to his feet, shinai in each hand. The stance he settles into is much stronger than the previous and Kuina feels her pulse quicken in anticipation. A Nitoryu user! There is a fire in the kid's eyes, and perhaps he will actually prove to be a bit of a challenge. He charges her, and Kuina brings her shinai down in a sharp blow.

The kid hits the ground. Or not.

"Stop!" Koshiro orders.

Kuina plants her shinai next to the idiot's head and scoffs. "This kid is like a boar." No skill, no finesse. All simple minded stubbornness and strength.

"I'll…" The kid says, and Kuina pauses, turning back to see the kid pushing himself up. "…train and train and train. And I will beat you!" He declares fiercely. "Remember that!"

Right. The day this… embarrassment of a swordsman defeated her was the day she would hang up her sword for good. It would never happen.

If only Kuina could believe that.

Her challenger's name is Roronoa Zoro, and he is a bull-headed brat.

He spars with her everyday. At least four times, but sometimes as many as seven or eight. When he is not sparring with her, he is training. Zoro ties rocks and slings them over a tree branch for rudimentary weights, gripping another weight in his jaws. And idle part of Kuina wonders how he hasn't shattered his teeth yet. The larger part of Kuina is far more focused on maintaining the gap between their skills.

Her period has started, only three months after she first beat Zoro. A further six months have passed since, and over a fifteen hundred matches between them. Kuina pushes herself in her training, starting at dawn and not resting until she falls into bed each night. The weather does not stop her - not rain, sleet, or snow. She trains even when her breasts ache and her stomach and back cramps and she would rather curl up with a hot water bottle.

Kuina will not let her body stop her. She can't. Not if she wants to be the best.

So she cannot lose to Zoro. Not as more months pass and his blows become stronger and the matches grow longer. Not as her father encourages her to turn to other pursuits.

The sword was Kuina's life. How could she ever give it up?

But as winter eases into spring, Kuina cannot deny that Zoro is slowly but surely catching up to her. She comes to both dread and look forward to the spars with her rival - and when did Zoro go from challenger to rival? - so she might alleviate the fear that Zoro has surpassed her.

Her only advantage is that Kuina is not a formal student of the dojo. Koshiro does not accept female students, and were she not his daughter Koshiro would never have trained Kuina. This means Kuina can train while Zoro is taking his lessons - lessons Kuina learned years before - and performing the duties expected of his as Koshiro's student.

Of course, Kuina has her own chores to complete, but they do not take her much time.

Two thousands spars, and Zoro storms off in anger. Kuina follows him, curiosity burning. A year had passed since their first spar. Kuina will never admit it, but she is impressed with Zoro's sheer tenacity. She is not certain she could continue to challenge someone after a hundred losses, never mind two thousand.

Hidden around the corner, Kuina hears water splash as Zoro draws from the well. Summer is coming, and the days are hot enough that both are sweaty messes by the end of the afternoon.

"Why?" He asks himself. "Why can't I beat Kuina?"

The frustration in Zoro's voice is painful, and Kuina holds back a flinch. Somewhere in between the many spars, she and Zoro had befriended each other, in their own way. And while she refused to lose to Zoro, Kuina never intended to hurt her friend.

"I'm going to become the World's Greatest Swordsman!" Zoro swears. There is a weight to Zoro's words, a seriousness that Kuina has never heard from him. The sheer conviction in that statement raises the hair on Kuina's arms and neck, and a chill slips down her spine. She slips away, and tries to tell herself that she is not running.

Kuina does not finish her usual training that day, heading to the small field nearby to order her scattered thoughts. She returns home only long enough to eat dinner. Her father must notice her distraction, because he does not protest when she leaves again after.

And she is distracted. Zoro's promise has left Kuina unsettled as nothing else has ever managed. It's baffling. Zoro is a brat of a moss head, still a head shorter than her with an even shorter temper. He has never come close to winning one of their bouts. So why is Kuina so agitated?

Her pondering is interrupted by the very cause of her unease. Zoro marches up to her, a katana in each hand. Kuina stares. She's never seen those blades before. Were they Zoro's? Where had he been keeping them?

"I come to request our 2001st battle." Zoro proclaims. Unlike every match before, he does not shout. His expression is grave, and another chill slips down Kuina's spine. "For this will be our last duel. Let's end this." Kuina's eyes widen with surprise even as Zoro holds out one blade in a challenge. "Fight me with real swords!" A pause. "You do have a real sword, right?"

Does she have a- of course she has a real sword! Yes, it iss the family sword, but her father won't mind if she borrows it. Kuina smirks at Zoro. "Fine!"

The Wado Ichimonji is an unfamiliar weight in her hands. It's heavier than her shinai. Kuina takes a few minutes to warm up, letting herself become accustomed to the blade. It's a Great Grade sword, so Kuina has to take care that she does not accidentally harm herself or Zoro.

Kuina settles into her opening stance. Across from her, Zoro does the same and Kuina takes a moment to wonder at Zoro's improvement. Seconds pass as they scrutinize each other, muscles twitching in wait for the other to make the first move. A breeze ruffles their hair, blowing a leaf across Kuina's vision.

Zoro charges, an echo of their first duel. Kuina brings her sword up and down in the same strike as before. It does not land, Zoro catching her blade on his own and bringing the second up to slash at her face.

A side step and counter attack towards Zoro's weaker left side. He blocks with a grunt, and Kuina throws her weight against his. Zoro knows he cannot match her in strength yet. He jumps, allowing Kuina to send him flying backwards. Kuina stumbles forward a step but recovers, and they charge each other once more.

The duel is long and brutal. Neither of them gain the upper hand. As the match drags on, Kuina becomes increasingly aware of Ichimonji's weight. She takes to dodging and parrying rather than blocking Zoro's attacks. Her footwork is much better than Zoro's, and she wields Ichimonji with a deftness Zoro has not obtained with two blades.

They stumble apart. Zoro is breathing heavily, sweat pouring down his face. Kuina is not much better off, though she hides it better. Narrow eyes look for an opening. She can do this!

A tremor. Kuina strikes.

Zoro's swords fly from tired hands. She darts forward, sinking her blade into the grass by her fallen opponent's head. "This is my 2001st win." She pants, a grin spreading across her face.

With practiced ease, Kuina ignores the bitterness in her chest. She won their final duel. Zoro may surpass her one day, but Kuina will never lose to him.

It doesn't comfort her as much as Kuina hoped.

"Damn it! Shit!" Zoro snarls with his hands over his face. It does not hide his tears. "I can't accept this…"

Kuina should be angry. So what if Zoro lost? He could still try for his dream. "I'm the one who wants to cry because I can't accept it." She says. It's time she face the truth. The gap between her and Zoro isn't all that great anymore. Six months, Kuina guesses, before Zoro surpasses her. Kuina refuses to look at her friend, each word from her lips tasting like ash. "Girls… When we grow up, we become weaker than men. You'll probably overtake me soon."

There's a lump in the back of her throat. "You always said you'd become the best swordsman in the world. My father told me that it's not possible for a woman." Kuina didn't want to believe him. It hurts, knowing that she can't achieve her dream because of something so stupid as her gender. "I want to be the best too!" She chokes out through tears. "If I'd been born a boy…"

"You beat me! How can you say that?!" Zoro shouts, furious. "That's despicable! You've been my goal this whole time!"

What? "Zoro…"

"I'm a man and you're a woman… Is that what you're going to say when I finally beat you?" Zoro demands. There is hurt, under Zoro's anger. "As if it isn't because of my skill? As though all my hard work means nothing? Don't say that!"

She didn't mean that-

Zoro stomps over to her. "Promise me!" He says. It's not a request. It's an order, with such a weight that Kuina cannot refuse even if she wanted. "One day, you and I will meet each other at the top, and we'll battle for the title of World's Greatest Swordsman!"

And suddenly, Kuina knows. This is a promise that Zoro will keep or die trying.

How can Kuina promise anything less?

"Heh." She laughs, wiping her face dry. "Stupid, you haven't beaten me once." She turns and grasps his hand, feeling his conviction roar through her blood. "Promise."

In one life, Kuina slips on the stairs searching for her sword's whetstone that night. In this life, Kuina waits until morning. She does not slip. 

And the world changes.