#I guess Big Changes = inevitably reflecting on those topics though

[naranjapetrificada]

So my literal first post on here was prompted by how emotionally overwhelmed I got after reading a couple of fics with the "Growing Old Together" tag. I regret to inform you that I now also have to avoid the "Domestic Fluff" tag for the most part because anything that implies Ed and Stede settling down outside of the time-space bubble that surrounds the Revenge is also too goddamn poignant for me.

I'm so normal about this show.

[socairnaich]

A small exploration of Diluc's depressive thoughts regarding his brother, Mondstadt's beloved Cavalry Captain. I can't remember the exact prompt this was in response to, but it's some food for thought nevertheless!

꒰✦꒱⎯ 𝖀𝖓𝖈𝖗𝖔𝖜𝖓𝖊𝖉 𝕶𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖔𝖋 𝕸𝖔𝖓𝖉𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖉𝖙 , 𝓒𝖗𝖔𝖜𝖓 𝓸𝖋 𝓣𝖍𝖔𝖗𝖓𝖘 𝓪𝖓𝖉 𝓐𝖘𝖍

Many in Mondstadt have their thoughts about Diluc Ragnvindr. Conversations about him are never dull: a myriad of opinions and observations from the common folk. Among the many topics - his stoic nature is brought up often. Several in Mondstadt remember a Diluc who was very different: the honourable Cavalry Captain who someday would be pawned off by his father to marry a worthy bride with whom he could bring House Ragnvindr's next generation forward with. A smiling and diligent young man - saccharine with a respect for others seldom seen in the upper class. Those who once brightened and rose their hands to wave to the duo of brothers now merely smile quietly as the Ragnvindr now passes alone - for perhaps they can see how his heart has stilled from the agony and loss. Diluc's time in Snezhnaya is left to many a rumour, as the redhead never has intentions of exposing his time abroad - though many seem to know that revenge came at a cost. A murderer: yet a righteous one, many sympathise with his noble cause, but sympathy rarely falls onto a state of being he never shows.

Those who knew him as a child know Diluc had a big heart - perhaps to a fault. A heart so loving and free is at the worst odds of all of being wounded later on as the reality of life settles in. Hardened he may have become from his years AWOL and abroad: fighting for a cause that took his aching soul beyond seas. Like a fish on a hook: the pain tugged him along. Many a winter night: the cold would freeze tears to his heavy lashes as the winds raged just outside the tent door. The howl of storming gales: oh, how much a reflection he had become of what he hated most. The Ragnvindr had changed in an instant: in a single night. Some may know that as the Darknight Hero never smiles, as he is an echo of the side Diluc keeps quiet about. It's necessity - he mustn't tarnish the family name. What good is a hero who . . . can't . . . who can't - The emotional turmoil is inevitable. The kindest hearts break the hardest - the happiest souls have the farthest to fall toward the depths of sorrow. There is a cruel irony to everything. Haunted by the past - Diluc finds himself incredibly alone. Crepus' straw hat no longer pokes out above the tops of the vineyards in the summer. There's no Kaeya to steal squares of cut steak from at the dinner table. And somehow, apple pie never tastes as sweet when eating alone. Triggers to panic and half-canistered sobs plague his every day life, but in the public eye, all Diluc lets on, at most, is a frown that tightens a little too much at each corner. There is no room to sob in front of others, or so he believes. To Mondstadt: Diluc's position as nation royalty is beloved by all - so why, in turn, must he feel like he's worth nothing? How can he love - when he can hardly shake the sentiment that his good will has been forgotten? He's not the same as he once was, after all - he can't... he shouldn't-

It starts as a rumble when Diluc cries. His throat bobs, as if something within him tries so desperately to stay afloat atop the depths dragging it in. It's as if the very lining of his throat thickens with only the nasty intent of suffocating him from the inside out. His eyes fog, and just as his breath flourishes in hopes of breathing - his features knot with agony. A gaze that often stares on with trained vigilance fill with tears that pour down his cheeks in rounds. There is no beauty nor delicacy in such human suffering. His flames extinguish entirely when upset: it's anyone's guess as to why. The Dawn Phoenix exhausts him to manifest when filled with anything other than an empassioned rage - and though Pyro may define his battle, it's as if only malice can bring its true power out. For dulled elemental resonance: there is no counter cure, other than to search within one's self for patience.

It's... so cold. Like rain falling on the last warm ember of a campside fire - the trickle of figurative drops are most silencing. Even as the arms of a tender beloved wrap over his shoulders - and coo his tired self in hopes of calming his weary heart. She's warm, he thinks as heavy eyes relax with no small amount of agony. "I'm sorry.." The whispers of regret come, as they always do, while scarred hands grip the back of her night shirt in shaking fists as he trembles in her consoling hug. Words simply cannot paint a true picture of how sorry he is. How well can words describe emotions, after all?

There was no crown for Him of silver or of gold There was no diadem for Him to hold. But blood adorned His brow, And proud its stain He bore, And sinners gave to Him the crown He wore.

[clairehazelb]

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR OF THE TENTH CUBE

And by Editor I mean, Claire Hazel,

(whom you may know as C.M. Hazel)

Writing my first historical fiction novel was a task of love, but a great endeavor nonetheless.

When we do things we love. we love the things we do. The Tenth Cube was, in essence, my love for romance and history poured onto pages of combined plotlines and historical facts. Coupled with science and a good dose of ritz, it blossomed like a garden flower into the novel it became. I felt, finally, like a writer the moment I wrote “The End.”

Writers, like professionals of other art forms, just are. Mostly, it occurred to me long ago,  we can become it, like the second you write the last sentence of that novel, or publish your book, like there is a glorified ending to calling yourself a member of the elite group of artists who pine at the sight of a lonely blank page.

Or so I felt. 

I read years ago -and my apologies to the person who wrote it for I sincerely do not recall the author- that ‘the moment you call yourself what you esteem yourself to be, is the moment you become it’. Therefore, if you want to be a writer, you call yourself a writer and let others deliberate on whether you are apt to be or not.

I practiced my skill of saying I was a writer in front of a mirror or while waiting for traffic to move in the lane ahead of mine. I yelled it out the window for good measure. “Move the fuck out of the way. I am a writer and can write this into my book!”

The moment somebody asked me and I said it out loud, I embodied it with pride, like the day I stepped with character shoes onto a stage felt for the actress in me. It burgeoned out of me like it was supposed to forever, waiting to be discovered. I beamed with the wine-laced fever of the evening.

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  It was a pivotal moment in my history, redefining where I ended up with my work. I went on a search for myself and found my writing voice. The days were growing longer with the dawn of my ideas and entries, so I had to make use of what I was inspired to do.

Despite my assertion, that I was a writer and not a poser, fear of criticism stalled me. I faced it like stage fright, but it was a sinister face at the end of my journal telling me it was not good enough. Nothing could come out of my penned notes and rhythmic pentameters.

I read about imposter syndrome around the time, looking for ways to face my fears. As it turns out, it can apply to anyone in any career, but it is a disorder that affects writers especially so, the idea that you aren’t good enough is prevalent amongst the inked-fingered-wordsmiths in my profession.

When I finished the Tenth Cube, everything changed.  While editing, I thought about a piece I had never published which explored the elements of fear. From that entry into my journal, came the text I eventually entered into my novel. I felt it appropriate for my second published book and first historical fiction novel. Aspiring writers are usually the best readers and learn best while to reading other writers’ works, taking what they can to heart. Here is part of the text in my book.

  A WRITING INDULGENCE

When I first started writing The Cube (as I lovingly call this novel), I typed without direction and wrote about many topics. I posted most of it on an old website, I would not even dare call a blog at this point. I eventually learned to hold hands with my muse in a better way and supplied my artistic knowledge with my other artistic experience. But, it inevitably always led me toward the same reason for not embarking onto a manuscript fully. Fear.

  My head swam with thoughts and reasons why I would fail miserably at my task. I just knew.

I know everything in stories has already been said and done.

I know I’m not alone when it comes to storytelling and interesting facts about life and circumstance. I know the very principle of storytelling relies on the fact that the narrative is good and characters are interesting. And, then again, I don’t know anything at all.

I personally see the story better in my head than how it reflects on writing.

  Despite knowing and fear, stories ultimately lead you where you need to go. And for sake of argument,

Yes, I believe it’s possible to be a good storyteller, despite everything having been done already.

Rarely am I ever afraid, even rarest is my admission to the fear, but it scares me a little still because nothing has ever worked in my mind better than my stories.

I’ve failed so miserably at so many things it’s hard to start this again. I do not fear telling you this though. I write for a while and the fear disappears. I want to be the bearer of good news for new writers or those having an urge to quit like I have so many times before. Bear with me on this.

The phrase ‘It started with a notebook I once wrote’ jumped into my head a while ago. I wrote a poem about it because of the many notebooks later it took me to create the first personal entry into a public medium. I’d written about theater plays and Language Education with a technical point of view, but storytelling, like acting in stories which came to life through my fingers, became the part of me I most enjoyed writing.

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About eight years ago, I wrote a story –also based on a weird dream- and I went from there. I haven’t really stopped writing since. So, maybe that’s my beginning for this. I’ve scattered ideas and unfinished stories everywhere. My own pending as ever, the satire runneth over my brimming mind, for lack of better understanding sets perfectly in here. But, to make things simple, I will advise you to keep trying new and trying for more.

“Delia became my headstrong voice for writing. Though it was my second novel finished, she paced my thoughts in a way no other story had, and I was hooked to her charms. Delia Donovan became my daily dose of the [her-story] I so hated as a young girl and delight so in my adult years. Instead of writing columns of advice for women as I had planned, I went toward writing about strong, intelligent, resourceful, frightened yet capable women with the same principle in mind.” Claire Hazel

Delia will hopefully continue to inspire stories – I am in research and writing the second novel. There will likely be a third as well.

Aspiring writer and authors, the gist of what I mean in this.

It took me X years to develop the voice I needed to write this book.

It took me lll to research and write the full novel, with periods of off and on to dream and work on other projects.

It has taken me lV between trying to publish on my own and finding a publisher.

  The Tenth Cube became an enduring project because it has a life worth living, I have said that before I think. Most writers live in this world where stories cannot go untold. Therefore my dear thirtysomething-writer who hasn’t started yet, if you are like I was, find the outlet to do so and share the story that has a life worth living.

Take the time to write and sit with confidence to edit. And please, share with me that hard-pressed jewel when you like.

A big box with recycled paper packing and a mug of coffee with enough supply for reading will be the most delicious treat a grown girl could ever get.

  What are then, these so-called Elements

By ways of telling you of the best technique I have used to move my stories and find the hidden information in my characters I need to shape their persona, we will use the What if? technique. What ifs are a way to create possibility. When you have doubts, there are endless What ifs going around in your head like a merry-go-round of incertitude. In essence, The Elements of said turntable of fear could be considered the following:

What if I can’t write like the rest of the authors I read?

This could fall within the impostor syndrome I wrote about before. You are not an impostor of your own game, you feel like a writer, believe it with confidence. It does not mean you have to be like other writers, successful or not.

Writing may or may not take time. For the present me, it is a matter of sitting to the type or jot down notes. But as I mentioned, it took many years to develop a voice I found pleasing and suitable, according to my desired writing style. I guess what is important is that

you don’t imitate but emulate those you love AT FIRST to develop your own voice

write about what you like and not what people like, the audience will find you and relate better

study the greats and accommodate your needs through your learning styles and experiences

nobody is alike and we are all connected, so find what works for your personal style without judging yourself or thinking you will be compared

What if there are things I don’t know or need to include in my novel I know absolutely nothing about?

Researching novels doesn’t have to be grueling work. Annote as you write (for pantsers) or outline the novel as you want it to be (plotter). Your writing style can help or hinder you. So, read carefully,

Research as needed before and fully after finishing your manuscript

Too much research can create difficulty for you and/or your reader, who is probably not in need to sit through, say, a history class instead of understanding through the plot movement

Too little research shows lack of pulchritude and disrespect to your readers, or make you sound nonchalant and ignorant.

Rule of thumb? Be aware, show knowledge, but don’t over inform.

What if I get stuck in my writing process?

Find inspiration wherever you look or take time to be still and OBSERVE

Nature, life, family, etc, show us and teach us. Use its lessons to show you the way, so do not just look and see, WATCH AND LEARN

Don’t overwhelm yourself or stick to a plotline if you feel stuck. Take a break to refresh your ideas and they will hit you when you least expect it, I promise you! An exercise that works for me is jumping the part where I am stuck and either mind mapping or planning the ending first then backtracking to the difficult area

Talk to your characters. they tell you lies at times but help you find the way. Listen carefully!

What if they do not help me publish?

Many writers are still sitting on the sideline of genius, gems of witing prose at their fingertips. Sadly, most give up writing because of this. I have quarried and continue to quarry publishers without much success, but I keep pressing on.

I self-published my first two books with great difficulty and many years of work, but they paid off in a way nothing else has. Take your chances with self-publishing. (I will soon open a platform for other writers to send me manuscripts to publish as an editor. News on this later!)

What if I don’t have time to write?

Write where ever you are able to create a strong writing muscle. Keep pen and pads where ever you can or use phones and tablets, recording apps, and /or your digital cameras

Take every chance you get to exercise the need to write, be it a post-it note or a short phrase inside a journal, a Tweet or a love note, make those words count in your favor

What if I do not feel like I can write my novel (yet)?

Use blogs, submit to magazines, write articles or content, keep journals, or write your family’s newsletter.

Contact your local papers or ask if anybody needs a content writer in your school or local businesses

Start with simpler texts, like magazine entries and restaurant menus

Keep writing your way into the published author you want to be without thinking that you have to have a published book in your hands before you can call your self a writer. There are hundreds of professions where writing is a need and many forms of writing are included in this. Comic book writers, for exa

  Comic book writers, for example, are storytellers, too. It is a matter of how you see your writing come to life to show others your stories. Find where your style fits best and show your best work.

My final writing indulgence was to tell other writers that there are ways, time, and chances to do what you love and ways to do it. The biggest problem most people face is fear, but fear can come with a face, a price tag, a backseat without a window, or an empty stomach and children on your hip.

We may fear different things which hinder our jump into the life we want. Discovering the fear we face is the first step toward the freedom from it. The next is up to you.

  With love,

Claire.

Lovely writer and content creator, take a moment to create your own purpose, and formulate a plan to write your way into the content you like to read. Start by creating your own space and sharing with others the gift of your writing wisdom, comedic genius, romantic side, laughing tales of your youth, or the recipes and secrets your grandmother gave you to keep.

You will get a cool credit for those plugins that make your place shine and sparkle.

It is easy and fast to start. Tell me about it on your way back to my content and happy writing!

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Before the Tenth Cube. I typed without direction and wrote about many topics. With time and practice, I learned to hold hands with my muse, but fear held me back. Learn how to understand it and push past it. A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR OF THE TENTH CUBE And by Editor I mean, Claire Hazel,

[the-seas-song]

Tolkien Gen Week Day 5

DAY FIVE: diversity How does diversity affect Tolkien’s characters and your interpretations of them? Does a disability or orientation affect relationships with other characters? Have you lost sleep thinking about hobbit race relations? This is the day to consider all the other factors that go into a character’s life.

Work has been insane lately, so unfortunately I wasn't able to write everything I wanted to for this amazing week, but I really wanted to make sure I got this one done.

This is mainly a thank you post. First, I want to give a big thank you to @starlightwalking for creating and running this week. A lot of time must have gone into it, and I've had a great time.

I love all forms of love, and one of my favorite things about Tolkien's works is that he highlights a large variety of emotionally intimate platonic relationships. Thank you Tolkien. And also thank you to everyone who worked on the films, for not only portraying those in the texts, but actually adding and expanding the amount of deep platonic relationships.

As someone who is gray aro/ace, another one of my favorite things about Tolkien's works is the diversity in racial sexualities.

Elves only fall in love once in their life (technically it is possible for them to fall in love a second time, but we are only given two cases in all of Tolkien’s works, and both times there was a greater power at work). The foundation of elven-kind is memory and emotion. Their souls control their bodies. Elvish memories remain crystal clear, no matter how many decades or centuries pass. They never fade, even the slightest bit. Connected to memory is emotion. Elves feel things in a clearer way. They are ruled by emotion. They can literally just lie down and kill themselves with their mind, if they wish. Also, because of this clarity, they know from the beginning if they are feeling romantic-love or friendship-love for someone. There is nothing more important to an elf than their relationships, of any kind. Their anti-possessiveness goes so far that they will not even say 'I have two children’.

Tolkien says in LACE that almost all elves marry, and marry young. However, the entire legendarium contradicts that. Over half the elves we meet very marry/are never said to be married, and almost all of those that do marry do so well into their centuries and millenniums. Feanor and Nerdanel are literally the only elven couple that we are told married young.

Also, who could ever forget the tragedy of Beleg's death? “Thus ended Beleg Strongbow, truest of friends, greatest in skill of all that harboured in the woods of Beleriand in the Elder Days, at the hand of him whom he most loved; and that grief was graven on the face of Túrin and never faded.” - The Silmarillion

We are also given a tantalizing hint of one deep female friendship: “Fingolfin’s wife Anaire refused to leave Aman, largely because of her friendship with Earwen wife of Arafinwe (though she was a Noldo and not one of the Teleri). But all her children went with their father.” - The Shibboleth of Feanor

Another thing I rarely see people mention is Tolkien explicitly separating sex and gender:

According to the Eldar, the only 'character' of any person that was not subject to change was the difference of sex. For this they held to belong not only to the body but also to the mind equally: that is, to the person as a whole. [cut] Those who returned from Mandos, therefore, after the death of their first body, returned always to the same name and to the same sex as formerly.

[cut]

For the [souls] of the Elves are of their nature male and female, and not their [bodies] only. - LACE

Because their souls control their bodies, there are no trans elves. However, the fact that Tolkien took pains to explicitly say this for elves, throws the door wide open for all of the other races!

We're also told that about two thirds of dwarves are naturally aromantic, and those who aren’t only fall in love once. So, another gray aro/ace race!

There are so many amazing fanworks out there that diversify Tolkien's works even more.

Throughout my years of being a fan I've met a fair amount of purists, and there's nothing wrong with being a purist. Most of them are lovely people. I am, however, a firm believer in Roland Barthes's The Death of the Author (found here) theory. The great thing is Tolkien was too:

The Lord of the Rings has been read by many people since it finally appeared in print; and I should like to say something here with reference to the many opinions or guesses that I have received or have read concerning the motives and meaning of the tale. The prime motive was the desire of a tale-teller to try his hand at a really long story that would hold the attention of readers, amuse them, delight them, and at times maybe excite them or deeply move them. As a guide I had only my own feelings for what is appealing or moving, and for many the guide was inevitably often at fault. Some who have read the book, or at any rate have reviewed it, have found it boring, absurd, or contemptible; and I have no cause to complain, since I have similar opinions of their works, or of the kinds of writing that they evidently prefer. But even from the points of view of many who have enjoyed my story there is much that fails to please. It is perhaps not possible in a long tale to please everybody at all points, nor to displease everybody at the same points; for I find from the letters that I have received that the passages or chapters that are to some a blemish are all by others specially approved. The most critical reader of all, myself, now finds many defects, minor and major, but being fortunately under no obligation either to review the book or to write it again, he will pass over these in silence, except one that has been noted by others: the book is too short.

As for any inner meaning or 'message', it has in the intention of the author none. It is neither allegorical nor topical. As the story grew it put down roots (into the past) and threw out unexpected branches: but its main theme was settled from the outset by the inevitable choice of the Ring as the link between it and The Hobbit.

[cut]

Other arrangements could be devised according to the tastes or views of those who like allegory or topical reference. But I cordially dislike allegory in all its manifestations, and always have done so since I grew old and wary enough to detect its presence. I much prefer history, true or feigned, with its varied applicability to the thought and experience of readers. I think that many confuse 'applicability' with 'allegory'; but the one resides in the freedom of the reader, and the other in the purposed domination of the author.

An author cannot of course remain wholly unaffected by his experience, but the ways in which a story-germ uses the soil of experience are extremely complex, and attempts to define the process are at best guesses from evidence that is inadequate and ambiguous. It is also false, though naturally attractive, when the lives of an author and critic have overlapped, to suppose that the movements of thought or the events of times common to both were necessarily the most powerful influences. One has indeed personally to come under the shadow of war to feel fully its oppression; but as the years go by it seems now often forgotten that to be caught in youth by 1914 was no less hideous an experience than to be involved in 1939 and the following years. By 1918 all but one of my close friends were dead. Or to take a less grievous matter: it has been supposed by some that 'The Scouring of the Shire' reflects the situation in England at the time when I was finishing my tale. It does not. It is an essential part of the plot, foreseen from the outset, though in the event modified by the character of Saruman as developed in the story without, need I say, any allegorical significance or contemporary political reference whatsoever. It has indeed some basis in experience, though slender (for the economic situation was entirely different), and much further back. The country in which I lived in childhood was being shabbily destroyed before I was ten, in days when motor-cars were rare objects (I had never seen one) and men were still building suburban railways. Recently I saw in a paper a picture of the last decrepitude of the once thriving corn-mill beside its pool that long ago seemed to me so important. I never liked the looks of the Young miller, but his father, the Old miller, had a black beard, and he was not named Sandyman. - LotR Foreward

And:

The Lord of the Rings as a story was finished so long ago now that I can take a largely impersonal view of it, and find 'interpretations' quite amusing; even those that I might make myself, which are mostly post scriptum: I had very little particular, conscious, intellectual, intention in mind at any point.* Except for a few deliberately disparaging reviews – such as that of Vol. II in the New Statesman,3 in which you and I were both scourged with such terms as 'pubescent' and 'infantilism' – what appreciative readers have got out of the work or seen in it has seemed fair enough, even when I do not agree with it. Always excepting, of course, any 'interpretations' in the mode of simple allegory: that is, the particular and topical. In a larger sense, it is I suppose impossible to write any 'story' that is not allegorical in proportion as it 'comes to life'; since each of us is an allegory, embodying in a particular tale and clothed in the garments of time and place, universal truth and everlasting life. Anyway most people that have enjoyed The Lord of the Rings have been affected primarily by it as an exciting story; and that is how it was written. Though one does not, of course, escape from the question 'what is it about?' by that back door. That would be like answering an aesthetic question by talking of a point of technique. I suppose that if one makes a good choice in what is 'good narrative' (or 'good theatre') at a given point, it will also be found to be the case that the event described will be the most 'significant'.

* Take the Ents, for instance. I did not consciously invent them at all. The chapter called 'Treebeard', from Treebeard's first remark on p. 66, was written off more or less as it stands, with an effect on my self (except for labour pains) almost like reading some one else's work. And I like Ents now because they do not seem to have anything to do with me. I daresay something had been going on in the 'unconscious' for some time, and that accounts for my feeling throughout, especially when stuck, that I was not inventing but reporting (imperfectly) and had at times to wait till 'what really happened' came through. But looking back analytically I should say that Ents are composed of philology, literature, and life.

[cut]

That of course does not mean that the main idea of the story was a war-product. That was arrived at in one of the earliest chapters still surviving (Book I, 2). It is really given, and present in germ, from the beginning, though I had no conscious notion of what the Necromancer stood for (except ever-recurrent evil) in The Hobbit, nor of his connexion with the Ring. But if you wanted to go on from the end of The Hobbit I think the ring would be your inevitable choice as the link. If then you wanted a large tale, the Ring would at once acquire a capital letter; and the Dark Lord would immediately appear. As he did, unasked, on the hearth at Bag End as soon as I came to that point. So the essential Quest started at once. But I met a lot of things on the way that astonished me. Tom Bombadil I knew already; but I had never been to Bree. Strider sitting in the comer at the inn was a shock, and I had no more idea who he was than had Frodo. The Mines of Moria had been a mere name; and of Lothlórien no word had reached my mortal ears till I came there. Far away I knew there were the Horse-lords on the confines of an ancient Kingdom of Men, but Fangorn Forest was an unforeseen adventure. I had never heard of the House of Eorl nor of the Stewards of Gondor. Most disquieting of all, Saruman had never been revealed to me, and I was as mystified as Frodo at Gandalf's failure to appear on September 22.1 knew nothing of the Palantíri, though the moment the Orthanc-stone was cast from the window, I recognized it, and knew the meaning of the 'rhyme of lore' that had been running in my mind: seven stars and seven stones and one white tree. These rhymes and names will crop up; but they do not always explain themselves. I have yet to discover anything about the cats of Queen Berúthiel.8 But I did know more or less all about Gollum and his pan, and Sam, and I knew that the way was guarded by a Spider. And if that has anything to do with my being stung by a tarantula when a small child,9 people are welcome to the notion (supposing the improbable, that any one is interested). I can only say that I remember nothing about it, should not know it if I had not been told; and I do not dislike spiders particularly, and have no urge to kill them. I usually rescue those whom I find in the bath! - Letter 163

Tolkien's loathing of allegory is well known. However, most don't talk about the fact that his fundamental reason for loathing it is because it enforces the domination of the author over the freedom of the reader - “I think that many confuse 'applicability' with 'allegory'; but the one resides in the freedom of the reader, and the other in the purposed domination of the author.”

So, as we continue to love these works and create our own, let's never forget that Tolkien himself believed in our agency.

P.S. I have to share this quote from Letter 66. It's too funny!

A new character has come on the scene (I am sure I did not invent him, I did not even want him, though I like him, but there he came walking into the woods of Ithilien): Faramir, the brother of Boromir – and he is holding up the 'catastrophe' by a lot of stuff about the history of Gondor and Rohan (with some very sound reflections no doubt on martial glory and true glory): but if he goes on much more a lot of him will have to be removed to the appendices — where already some fascinating material on the hobbit Tobacco industry and the Languages of the West have gone.

[lisatelramor]

Not Left To Stand Alone Ch9

Kuroba Takumi had very set weekly schedules as for when he visited Kuroba. Wednesdays were Kuroba’s late days, so he never visited then. Saguru wasn’t expecting anything more from the evening than grading papers over takeaway and a pot of herbal tea. The knock on his door, therefor, was surprise enough that he left a streak of ink across the test he was grading. Saguru stared at the thick black line marring the page and supposed it was good that he hadn’t been using red ink at that moment or it would look like he’d tried to cross out half the page. The knock sounded again, this time softer, like the knocker was having second thoughts. Saguru set down his pen and made his way to the door.

On the other side was Takumi, hand half raised to try knocking a third time. His lips were pressed tight together, failing to keep a neutral face with his obvious nerves.

“Hakuba-sensei,” he said, lowering his hand. His eyes fixed somewhere to the side of Saguru’s left shoulder. “You said I could…” He trailed off.

Saguru opened the door wide enough for him to enter. “Please, come in.”

“Ah, ex-excuse the intrusion,” Takumi said. He slid into the room with Kuroba’s easy grace, sliding his shoes off. Saguru didn’t have guest slippers, which seemed to throw Takumi for a moment.

“Sock feet are fine,” Saguru said. He had half expected to feel uneasy at this conversation finally occurring. If anything he was almost amused. It felt strange for a Kuroba to be so openly nervous to talk to him.  “The apartment isn’t much.” He led Takumi to the main room, waving a hand at the two chairs clustered around his desk and the mess of papers on it, competing for space with his new plant and a pot of tea. “Would you care for a cup of tea?”

Takumi twitched, tearing his eyes away from examining the apartment to nod. “Yes, please.”

Saguru smiled and went to get his other mug from the cupboard. He wondered what Takumi saw in the room, what it revealed about him. It was still bare for the most part; just the necessities and things from work and a plant the only personality to it. Did that read as someone of simple tastes to him? Someone who didn’t plan permanence? Or would it be some other trail his mind would wander down? Saguru didn’t know Takumi enough to guess where his mind would go, but if he was anything like Kuroba in how he thought, it would be somewhere that Saguru didn’t immediately think of.

He headed back to his teapot. As he poured the fresh cup of tea, he observed Takumi from the corner of his eye. Takumi hesitated with hands hovering over the chair, snatching glances at the papers on the desk like he knew he shouldn’t look at them as they were someone’s test scores, but not quite able to reign in the curiosity. Saguru held back a snort of amusement. Yes, there was plenty of Kuroba in him even if Aoko seemed to have taught him to have stricter morals.

“Sit,” Saguru said. He handed over the teacup. The papers were swept to one side to finish grading later. His dinner remains were stacked on top after a cursory glance that there weren’t any spills that would stain the pages. He settled heavily into his seat, absently massaging his knee. He didn’t use the cane around his tiny apartment room much.

Takumi sat in the second chair like he was going to flee at any moment, both hands curled around the porcelain mug and his body perched on the very edge of the seat. The silence stretched as Takumi stared at his tea without drinking.

Saguru took pity on him. “You know, I don’t bite. I did say you could come to talk whenever you wanted.”

“I know.” Takumi took a breath and let it out slowly. “I’m trying to figure out where to start.”

“If it helps, I didn’t meet your parents until halfway through their second year of high school. I am unaware when or how they met, but they had clearly been close for a long time at that point.”

Takumi waved a hand. “I do know how they met. Baa-chan told me. Tou-san gave Kaa-san a flower near the clock tower when they were kids.” Saguru had a moment’s epiphany for why Kid had held a heist at that clock tower. It hadn’t made much sense at the time, but a heist for sentimental reasons, well, Kuroba had always been soft on Aoko even when he wasn’t inclined to openly show it. Takumi frowned. “You said you were rivals with Tou-san.”

Saguru leaned back in his chair, taking along sip of his tea. How much could he talk about? He’d have to be careful hoe he worded things. He’d promised Kuroba and Aoko that he wouldn’t reveal Kid to the world, and he certainly had no intention of making their home lives more complicated by leading Takumi to the inevitable conclusion if neither of his parents wanted him near that truth. They had good reason not to considering the amount of danger in both their lives. “I did use the word rivals,” Saguru said, hand warm on his cup. “I am not sure it is entirely accurate. We were not truly competing toward a shared goal, merely we disagreed on certain topics and were forever prodding each other to get a reaction.”

“Like when you hit on my mom.”

Saguru raised an eyebrow, taking in the slight hunch to Takumi’s shoulders and the pouting jut of his lower lip. He did seem hung up over that detail. “Yes.” He tapped his index fingers against warm porcelain as he thought. “Your mother is—” was? He didn’t truly know her now, but he couldn’t imagine her changing too much since then even if mop battles had ended. “—a spirited woman. Bright. I couldn’t help but notice her or Kuroba when I transferred to their class.” It was hard to miss duels and angry rants and teasing pranks. And Aoko had shined brightest with her eyes sparking with righteous anger against one of Kuroba’s tricks or some injustice Kid had pulled. Saguru could still clearly picture the way her blue eyes got sharp and her knuckles went white on the handle of her mop. “She was one of the only people in the classroom speaking out against Kaitou Kid, and that is what truly caught my attention. You see, I had transferred hoping to catch Kid and discover his motivation.”

“Seems like a lot of effort to go halfway around the world for Kid,” Takumi muttered into his tea, “even if he is one of the best thieves out there.”

Saguru had a weird and unsettling desire to take offense at Kid being called merely ‘one of the best.’ Perhaps it was lingering pride of his time chasing Kid, or perhaps—more likely—he’d been spending too much time with Kuroba. He pulled his face back to neutral from…whatever expression he had been making. He cleared his throat. “Yes, well, my father was police commissioner at the time, and as a minor with a citizen parent, it wasn’t difficult to arrange. I was interested in the challenge and overly confident that I could catch him where others had failed.” He turned the topic away from himself. “At any rate, I transferred into your parents’ class. Your father and I took a quick disliking to each other. You see, he was Kid’s biggest fan.”

Takumi snorted. “He’s still Kid’s fan, but he doesn’t talk about it much because Kaa-san freaked out about it. I swear, she’d talk about how Kid was frustrating and an insult to the police while Tou-san would want to talk about how Kid could have pulled off his heists like it was one big magic show. I point out that Kid really is a good showman once, and Kaa-san just about bit my head off on her way to scream at Tou-san.”

“Not much about that has changed then,” Saguru said, though he thought it had changed quite a bit. Back in high school, Aoko’s rages hadn’t been personal, and Kuroba’s fan tendencies had been a game. Now Aoko was the police inspector responsible for catching Kid and knew who was behind the mask, but wouldn’t unmask Kid unless she caught him fair and square. It was very personal, and the emotions behind her anger had to run deep to the root of what she would perceive as Kuroba’s betrayal. And Kuroba… Kuroba likely had only wanted more than anger from his son reflected on his alter ego. What parent wouldn’t want their child to respect their skill even if they wouldn’t agree with the motives? It was sad and Takumi was caught in the middle of it. Because he was curious, Saguru asked, “What do you think about Kid?”

Fingers tapped along porcelain harder as Takumi frowned. “He’s probably insane and is either an adrenaline junkie or has a death wish. Kaa-san doesn’t talk about it, but I’ve read some of the police reports.” He looked momentarily guilty. “I know I shouldn’t’ve but there were guns. I’ve heard it from people, and sometimes the media covers it, but Kaa-san never talks about it. I wanted to know.”

“Curiosity does make temptation difficult.” Saguru gave him a smile. He should probably disapprove. Probably. But he’d been in the same shoes in the past and he remembered poking his nose into far too many things his eyes were not supposed to have read at a much younger age than Takumi currently was.

“Anyway.” Takumi took a sip of tea. “Kid’s frustrating on one hand because of Kaa-san, and kind of cool because he can do things that I have trouble wrapping my head around. I should hate him, but I don’t. I just don’t want Kaa-san caught in whatever Kid’s trying to do with all those gems he steals.”

“I see.” Kuroba would be relieved to know the answer to if Takumi hated Kid. “Getting back to Aoko,” and oh, was this going to be a circuitous conversation if Takumi hared off after any related topics, “I flirted with her largely to annoy your father, as I said. He was a fan of Kid and I was one of the people trying to catch him. We didn’t get along and used any opportunity to try and irritate each other in hopes that the other would slip up.” He hesitated. He wanted to be as honest as possible. “At one point I even theorized he could be Kid, and I thought if I made him angry enough he would get sloppy and I could catch him out. Flirting with Aoko-san did make him angry. But I never did prove that theory.”

“Do you still think that?” Takumi asked, honestly curious. Saguru would have expected denial or anger at such an accusation.

The lack of such a response was strange. Did he think that Kuroba would never do such a thing? Or that such a hypothesis was a natural progression of thoughts? Saguru sipped his tea. “I do not,” he said slowly, “accuse Kuroba of being Kid anymore.” Technically true. He could also truthfully say he didn’t think Kuroba was Kid because he knew Kuroba was Kid, but worded as an accusation, it felt much less like a half-truth. “Who Kid actually is, is no longer any of my business.”

Takumi leaned forward. “Aren’t you curious?”

“Isn’t everyone?” Saguru countered.

Takumi wrinkled his nose. “Not everyone has chased Kid. I’d think that anyone who chased him would want to know. Ojii-chan doesn’t shut up about it. Kaa-san wants to catch him, identity aside. I can’t think of anyone on the task force I’ve met who isn’t curious. I’m curious and I don’t even chase him. You’ve got to be curious.”

“I’m curious about his motives,” Saguru said, because even after all these years, he still hadn’t put it all together. Plenty of theories, but unless Kuroba told him, they would only ever be theories. “That, out of everything, was what interested me most as a detective. What motivates people to commit crimes, what pushes them to commit a murder or steal a valuable or hold someone for ransom? What logic did they follow, what made it worth the risk for them and was it still worth it now that they have been caught.” Old enthusiasm rose in Saguru, thick with nostalgia. He still was interested in it. If it weren’t for his leg… No, it wasn’t just his leg anymore, it was knowing that between it and how he had let his skills grow slack, it wasn’t safe for him or those around him for Saguru to be a detective anymore. He’d seen proof of that firsthand.

“Yeah, but what about who he is?” Takumi persisted.

“Unless his identity is part of what is motivating him, it doesn’t matter,” Saguru said. “Kid could be a mailman or a showman or a social recluse with delusions of grandeur. A name and face couldn’t mean less to me without the mind and soul behind it.”

Takumi flopped back in his chair, balancing it on two legs like Kuroba used to do with just as much easy balance. “Okay. Fine. Can’t say I get it, but okay. Kid’s interesting for his brain not the rest of him. You’d think you’d still be chasing him for that though.”

“There are other things in life these days.” The words felt hollow. “Anyway,” Saguru said, pushing away nostalgia and regret, “you came here to talk about your parents, not Kid.”

“Right!” Takumi grinned, arms crossing behind his head. He was tempting gravity with the angle of the chair, but it seemed practiced enough that Saguru let it slide. Besides, it was a relief to see him relaxing. “So, do you have any embarrassing stories or anything? Because Tou-san can talk around high school for hours and tell you nothing and Kaa-san only ever brings stuff up to get angry at.” His eyes glittered mischievously at the thought of possible parental blackmail material.

“I have plenty,” Saguru said as he fought an answering smile. Most of the stories would probably give Takumi ideas. Still… “How much have you heard about Koizumi Akako or the infamous Valentine’s Day debacles?”

“Nothing, tell me more.”

Saguru found himself grinning as he recounted the Valentine’s Day he had been there for and the chaos that had sprung from it. He couldn’t remember more women being irritated by Kuroba than that day, and Koizumi had always been at least as terrifying as Aoko when angry. The rest of the conversation passed quickly. By the time Saguru had recounted Valentine’s Day and a few more of Kuroba and Koizumi’s unfortunate interactions and how Aoko fit into them, he’d looked up and well over an hour had passed.

“Ah,” he said, rounding up the conversation, “it’s almost time for your curfew.”

“Really?” Takumi looked at the glowing LED display of Saguru’s desk clock. “Huh.” He straightened, stretched, and Saguru had yet another moment of remembering a much younger Kuroba right before he did something athletic. “Time went a lot faster than I was expecting. Hakuba-sensei, thank you.” He bowed politely and Saguru waved the gesture away.

“No, it was a pleasure. I hadn’t thought about back then to such an extent in a long time. It was nice.” Saguru smiled and walked Takumi to the door. “If you ever want to talk again, please do.”

***

Takumi came back the next week, and the week after that, hungry for stories. At first he was satisfied by the happy and humorous ones, but Saguru knew that it wouldn’t last, not when Takumi was trying to understand how things were now.

“Do you know why my parents divorced?” Takumi asked, the question not surprising at all. He was barely in through the door this time, agitated, pent-up energy in him like the question had been knocking around in him so long he’d bust if he didn’t ask it now.

“I think that is a question best left to your parents to answer.”

“They don’t talk about it. I don’t understand,” Takumi said, throwing himself into the free chair next to Saguru’s increasingly messy desk. “Kaa-san gets all serious and deflects or talks around the subject, which I get, she left Tou-san. But not even Tou-san talks about it, and he usually gives some answer to my questions.” Takumi’s face scrunched, his upper lip almost touching the tip of his nose. “And that includes stuff most parents won’t talk with their kids about. I asked his about sex once when I was ten and he answered all the questions I had and even covered stuff I shouldn’t even have known to ask about like kinks and same-sex practices and how to stay safe no matter what I was doing. I blame Shiemi for that, she reads stuff she shouldn’t for any age.”

Saguru pushed the image of Kuroba discussing the safety of bondage—how could his mind not go to bondage after years of handcuff quips thrown his direction—for another time. “Perhaps they don’t feel that you are ready to hear it.”

Takumi snorted. “Please. They’d have said it could wait until I was older. This is different. Not even Jii-san knows, and he wasn’t lying. He’s a terrible liar and he didn’t dodge the question either, so he really doesn’t know.”

How Aoko explained divorcing Kuroba to her father without mentioning the actual cause, Saguru couldn’t begin to guess. He felt a bit bad for Nakamori-keibu. He would have been pulled between loyalty to his daughter and fondness for him son-in-law without any indication of why he should be angry at Kuroba like Aoko so clearly was.

“Do you know?” Takumi prompted again, leaning on Saguru’s desk. “Don’t avoid it, just…do you know?”

Saguru felt guilty under the earnest weight of Takumi’s stare. He sighed. “Yes, I know why your parents divorced. And no I’m not going to tell you.”

“But why?” Takumi scowled, fiddling with the corner of one of Saguru’s folders.

“It would be undermining your parents’ authority, and I can’t do that. It’s not my story to tell.” Saguru pulled the folder away and added it to the stack of papers he needed to grade that night. Takumi picked at his nails instead, plucking at the ragged edges of cuticles like removing them would reveal something.

“But how can you know when even Jii-san doesn’t. Is it because you were a detective or just because you knew them in high school?”

“A bit of both.” Saguru sighed and resigned himself to the fact that he wasn’t getting any work done so long as Takumi wanted answers. He closed the folder and gave his full attention. “Nakamori-keibu is a good detective, but he didn’t know your parents the way other students their age would.”

“But he’s Kaa-san’s dad,” Takumi said, picking at a bit of dirt stuck under one nail. “He should know her enough to figure it out.”

How to explain it? “Would you say your parents know you well?”

Takumi frowned. “Yes.” He looked up. “I can talk to them about pretty much anything between the two of them even if they don’t talk about themselves.”

“But would you say they knew everything about you?” Saguru prompted. “That you didn’t have a few secrets from them?”

“No…” Takumi rested his hands in his lap, no longer picking at them. “So you’re saying he didn’t know parts of them, important parts, because they kept them hidden?”

“Yes.” Close enough to what Saguru had been aiming for. “A parent isn’t going to know everything about their child, and often because they are so close they are more likely to be blind to things someone that did not know their child as well would notice.”

“Oh.” The frown was back. “But they still love each other. Sure Kaa-san is angry at Tou-san a lot, but if she didn’t still love him she wouldn’t storm in and make sure he’s eating right or check and see if he’s been having drinking binges—he doesn’t do any of that much anymore, but he did for a while and she would help get him back on track.” The frown was turning into a look up misery and Saguru wasn’t sure if he was capable of calming Takumi down if he started crying. He had never been good at handling tears. “And Tou-san keeps track of Kaa-san’s health and sneaks her favorite foods into the cupboards when she isn’t looking when she’s had a bad week, and he leaves a flower at the door on her birthday even. You can’t tell me that they’re not still attached, because they are.”

Saguru rubbed his forehead because yes, clearly they were. Of course they were. They couldn’t get away from each other enough to separate their lives but too much hurt kept them from ever getting back together.

Takumi sighed. “The only thing I can think of is that Tou-san did something bad, so bad Kaa-san can’t forgive it. And I think she could forgive an affair, but I don’t know if she could forgive him doing something illegal.” He sighed. “Maybe something small, but I don’t think she’d ever forgive him if he killed someone or something. But I don’t think Tou-san would ever do that…” Takumi trailed off, his voice getting quieter and quieter as he spoke.

Saguru cleared his throat. “Ah. I do not believe that your father would commit murder.”

“But what else would Kaa-san be unable to forgive?”

Takumi’s elbows were tucked up close to his sides and his arms crossed just enough to make it look like he was holding himself together with a weak grip of his arms. Saguru looked away. The sun was too bright for this dark of a conversation. It sent dappled shadows through green leaves of the tree right outside his window. Saguru looked back at Takumi. “I can’t tell you why your parents divorced, but if you would like, I can talk to them for you.”

“It won’t help,” Takumi said.

“I can make an attempt at the least.”

Takumi sighed. “Thanks.”

Saguru had the awkward urge to reach out and pat Takumi’s shoulder in some kind of comforting gesture, but it felt like it would be too familiar an action East or West in this sort of situation. Instead he let his hand rest on the corner of the desk close to Takumi and leaned forward. “Would you like to hear about their first date? Some of the account is secondhand, but I was there for the last bit where Aoko-san burst into the police station wielding a broom.”

Takumi smiled, barely there, but a real smile. “Thanks. I’d like that.”

It wasn’t much to offer when Takumi was asking for why everything had fallen apart. But it did show that from the start of their romantic relationship, Kid had been something that broke any moment they were having.

Later, when Takumi left and the door closed behind him, Saguru was left with the papers he was supposed to be grading. He frowned down at a sentence construction worksheet, barely seeing the shaky attempts at English written there. It might, he thought, be about time to have a talk with Kuroba about his meetings with Takumi.

***

It was Thursday, and on a normal Thursday, Kuroba got off work before Saguru got home and took time to do…whatever it was Kuroba did with his relaxation time. On weeks a heist was scheduled, Kuroba was gone long hours and might not show up until the middle of the night, waking Saguru from the light sleep he managed when his thoughts were preoccupied by his neighbor. But some Thursdays Kuroba checked in on Saguru—and he always did at least once a week—and caught up with each other’s week and life. This Thursday Kuroba knocked on Saguru’s door with a box of post-dinner doughnuts to go with Saguru’s habitual post-dinner tea. He looked so relaxed and cheerful for once—and honestly so, not pretending to be relaxed—that Saguru felt a bit guilty knowing he would be leading the conversation in directions Kuroba wouldn’t be happy discussing.

Saguru greeted him with a smile anyway, letting him choose which seat he wanted. Naturally, Kuroba chose the one closest to the window like always. It likely wasn’t even conscious anymore. Kuroba naturally went to the easiest exit. Which….was actually exploitable, but as Saguru wasn’t out to catch Kid anymore, it wasn’t his business.

Saguru passed Kuroba a teacup and dishes for the doughnuts. “The tea is a mint-green blend,” he said, taking his seat across from Kuroba. His knee twinged on the way down. It was probably because he was a bit nervous to broach the subject. “Is that okay?”

“It’s fine.” Kuroba leaned back, stretching like a cat, above his head and arcing his back. Part of Saguru appreciated the flex of muscles through Kuroba’s t-shirt. Kuroba plucked a custard filled, chocolate coated doughnut from the box. “Mint is good with sweets.”

A glance at the box confirmed Saguru’s favorite plain cake doughnuts with a light glaze. He had yet to figure out how Kuroba learned these things. Saguru hadn’t eaten a doughnut in years. “Your day went well?” he asked.

“Finished a project. An incredibly detailed replica of a Chinese vase that they needed about a week ago because it needs preservation work done on it. Whoever did it last must have done a shoddy job because it was deteriorating.” Custard oozed out the end of the doughnut as Kuroba bit into it. “I am incredibly proud of the replica. You could look it over and not spot a single difference down to the cracks in pattern, mistakes, and the weird bubble near the bottom from a mistake firing. Now I don’t think I could replicate something like the random pattern of natural glaze firing, but I can paint a perfect replica no problem, using the right pigment mixture and given enough time.”

Saguru nibbled at his doughnut. It was sweeter than he remembered them being. Perhaps his tastes had changed. He tried to think of a way to approach the topic that wasn’t blunt and wouldn’t come out as accusatory. “I had a conversation with Takumi-kun yesterday.”

“Oh?” Kuroba sat up, intent. “You two have been getting along recently.”

“Yes. I believe we have managed to work through much of our differences.” Much to Saguru’s relief because Takumi was a much better when he had a reason to be friendly than being antagonizing Saguru. “You were right about our shared pasts being the issue. He wants to know more about you and Aoko in high school.”

“A different perspective, huh?” Kuroba frowned. “I guess that’s better than him acting out.”

“It’s understandable why he’d be curious. I do have a unique perspective for an outsider.” Not the most time spent, but he’d kept track of both Aoko and Kuroba back then with all the attention to detail that was his deductive habit.

“You do,” Kuroba agreed.

Saguru took a sip of tea, peripherally aware of Kuroba’s relaxation and good mood starting to dissolve as he attempted to read where Saguru was going with this. “You have no reason to worry, I have no intention of revealing anything you would be uncomfortable sharing with him.”

“I’d hope you wouldn’t,” Kuroba said flatly.

“As I have said, I have no reason to interfere in anything related to Kid,” Saguru said, starting to feel a bit tense as well. He sighed. The mint tea was supposed to be relaxing, but tea wasn’t enough to smooth the way to unpleasant topics.

“Whatever you’re trying to work up to, say it,” Kuroba said.

Very well. Kuroba had asked. Saguru squared his shoulders and leaned forward. “You might want to talk to Takumi-kun a bit more about your separation from Aoko-san. He seems to be working with worst case scenarios for why Aoko-san left you. He actually speculated it could be because you murdered someone.”

Kuroba looked at him blankly over the doughnut box. “What? You can’t be serious.”

“He does not truly believe you killed someone,” Saguru said, a thread of impatience in his voice. “I don’t think you are capable of murder short of protecting Takumi-kun or Aoko-san. He is merely speculating as he lacks a satisfactory answer.”

“We gave him answers.”

“Apparently they were not good enough.”

Kuroba scowled and it smoothed into an impersonal mask. It hurt and Saguru was surprised at the emotion. Kuroba was retreating rather than discussing as an adult. “Well, at least you seem to think highly of me. Not capable of murder huh?”

Sarcasm. Lovely. Saguru rubbed at the bridge of his nose. “Kuroba, I have always thought highly of you. Whether it was as an adversary to match wits with or for your skills, I have never thought you were beneath my respect.”

“Funny how you showed it back then by handcuffing yourself to me.”

“And you pulled off the heist all the same. I still don’t see how, but you earned my respect time and again even as you earned my irritation.” Kuroba’s cup of tea remained untouched. He held himself too still. Saguru searched the mask for answers, but beyond the fact that he knew he had hit a sore spot, Saguru couldn’t tell what Kuroba was thinking.

“Past is past,” Kuroba said as if he had not been the one to divert the conversation. “Why are you trying to tell me how to raise my own son?”

Why? Saguru thought about the desperation he’d glimpsed in Takumi’s eyes in the unguarded moment he’d shown. Takumi wasn’t the first child he’d seen torn between two parents, and he wouldn’t be the last, but Saguru knew that sort of emotion on an intimate level.

“Kuroba…I was born in Japan and moved to Britain when I was six years old.”

“And?”

“Despite being a Japanese citizen, I have never once been seen as Japanese.”

“Well you’re British…” Confusion showed in Kuroba’s eyes though the mask didn’t flicker. Saguru mustered his patience.

“Until I was six, I never questioned that I was Japanese.”

“Seriously, Hakuba, where are you going with this?”

“My point, Kuroba,” Saguru said in a clipped voice, “is that when I was eight, I wondered why my mother lived in London while my father lived in Japan. They claimed to still love each other, but the children in my first grade class called attention to how odd it was that they lived half a world apart. No one else in my class flew halfway around the world on holidays to visit another parent. No one else had moved halfway across the world in the middle of their first year of primary school.” He took a breath. “My point, Kuroba, is that I asked and asked and asked, but my parents never gave me a satisfactory answer. And do you know what I eventually figured out? My mother moved to England because I did not do well in school in Japan. Because when I started school in Japan, I was not Japanese, no matter what my birth certificate said or who my father was. My parents decided it was better for me to grow up in London and fly to Japan on holidays because I wouldn’t have a good childhood in Japan and Father couldn’t leave the job he spent half a lifetime working toward.”

Saguru leaned forward, staring Kuroba down as Kuroba remained impassive and tense. “It would have been nice to talk about this as a child. Because their effort to keep me from knowing why made me feel even worse when I found out it was for my sake. And Takumi-kun isn’t stupid, Kuroba. He’s going to keep digging. And digging. And he is going to find something out whether you want him to or not, and he will not be happy when he finally does learn the truth.” Saguru leaned even further until Kuroba leaned back and Saguru’s leg twinged from supporting him half-standing. “And you really do not want him blaming himself for the failure of his parents’ relationship.”

“Fuck off, Hakuba,” Kuroba said, anger finally leaking through the mask. “You have no place to judge how I raise my son.”

“I don’t,” Saguru agreed. “I am not Takumi-kun’s parent, I am only his English teacher. But I am your friend and as such I would like for your son to be safe and healthy, and we both know that if he digs—and he will because he is very much your and Aoko’s child—he could get himself and you into danger.” Saguru sat back down in his chair heavily as his knee chose that moment to give out. Kuroba eyed him, still scowling. Saguru let a breath hiss through his teeth and forcefully picked his teacup up. “Drink your damned tea, Kuroba.”

After a long pause, Kuroba picked up his teacup. Saguru let himself relax. Kuroba hadn’t run and he hadn’t shut Saguru down. He was angry, but he was listening. Thinking. Kuroba took a sip of his tea.

“Takumi asked if I was a murderer?” Kuroba asked, subdued.

“Not in so many words.” Saguru took a long swallow of tea and massaged at his knee as the pain went from stabbing to aching, jittery tingles. “It was more that he observed that Aoko would only have left if she deemed something unforgivable, and he was having trouble picturing any other option.”

“Unforgivable, huh?” Kuroba stared into his teacup. He snorted. “I suppose lying about being an internationally wanted thief counts.”

“To be fair, I believe it was the lying more so than the actual thievery that Aoko had a problem with.”

Kuroba rolled his eyes. “No. She only hated Kid the entirety of our high school years. However could that have been the issue?”

Saguru lifted an eyebrow.

Kuroba sighed. “No, it was a combination of the two. I don’t really blame her for not being able to trust me.”

“But you still care for each other.”

“Yeah.” He laughed hollowly. “I’ve never loved anyone else.”

“Mm.” The doughnuts lay abandoned between them. It felt like a metaphor. Something sweet ruined by bitter memories. “I meant it in that I am not trying to tell you how to raise your child, Kuroba. I merely feel that you need to be aware of what Takumi-kun is thinking on this matter. He is frustrated. He was willing to turn to me to learn more. I imagine that is the only reason he accepts me at all.”

“Don’t tell him why.”

“I won’t. How often must I say that I have no intention of telling the world that you are Kid for you to believe it?”

“Well,” Kuroba said with a bit of humor returning to his voice, “you did yell it to the world back in high school.”

“I would like to think we have both matured since then,” Saguru said primly.

Kuroba laughed under his breath. Slowly, his shoulders relaxed. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.” He finished off his lukewarm tea and set the cup back in its saucer. “I keep feeling like I’m messing up as a parent and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

“Apology accepted,” Saguru said, inwardly marveling that he had gotten one at all. “I don’t think anyone can be sure that they are doing their job as a parent well.”

“Maybe.” Kuroba stood up in a sudden burst of movement. “Thanks for the tea, but I should probably call Aoko.”

Saguru blinked at him. Normally they would sit and chat a while longer before either sharing a meal or parting ways for the evening before it reached that time. “Of course.”

Kuroba smiled, a there and gone flash of teeth. “No need to get up, I’ll let myself out.”

He at least took the door this time. More than once, Saguru knew he’d taken the window when he wasn’t paying close attention. Saguru set down his empty cup and looked at the box of abandoned doughnuts. He’d done the right thing to bring it up, but he couldn’t help wishing it could have been another day of talking about meaningless things and enjoying each other’s company.

[riisinaakka-draws]

Under the cut there are some thoughts on the process and ideas behind the drawing JOURNEY INTO THE DARK if you are interested :)

I thought it would be too big of a burden to mention all of this within the art post. This is also for my own archiving purposes (so I won’t forget what was involved! :D) and it’s always nice to see how things start and develop...

Long post ahead! (contains spoilers for the show)

COMMENTARY:

I continued this work bit by bit over a period of several months (I started this just when s4 started airing) and only finished it recently. A few hours then and then (whenever I felt like it or had time for this), but I can’t really say how much time it took all together. Occasionally there were weeks/months that I just forgot about it and was more focused on other things...

Most of the thoughts here are fleeting ideas during the process (how a thing X lead to thing Y) and some personal fun and not something I actually spend too much time on dwelling or planning (or researching lol). I have probably forgotten some already and some happened by accident and some I am just incabable of putting into understandable words.

None of these are any actual instructions (or limits) of “this is how it’s to be seen”. Art doesn’t have to be or even shouldn’t be explained in some cases, but I just wanted to document the process and open up the symbolism since there were a lot of (random) things involved.

It’s also fun to look back on things and how they evolved and what their connection to other things were.

You are free to have your own interpretations of course and I hope this additional post doesn’t ruin any of those :)

The initial idea and motifs:

Flint decends the steps from light to darkness and Miranda is standing behind him as an accomplice/orderer. Stepping stones get bloodier by every step and gold coins are glimmering on the path (Urca de Lima’s gold). Sword is drawn out for war and slaughter. Black water as in the opening credits + general darkness to represent the abyss. Reflection shows James when he was happy (him returning to Hamiltons) and how much he has changed compared to that (McGraw vs Flint). Sort of stage / antique/ greek tragedy(?) setting with marble columns, red curtains (like a myth, a monology or a story or something).

A white feather shining in the dark to show there’s always hope and another way out. I already explained this in another post, but here it is again:

Short answer: Silver (although some of you may not like it) Long answer: the feather is for “hope and an alternative for war” (the dove of peace..haha). Also remember the trap Flint laid in season 1? The feather and the logbook in his drawer -> leads to Silver’s capture later.

The feather is also a reference to the swan of Tuonela (in Finnish mythology the river of Tuonela separates the world of the living and the dead (compare Styx in Greek mythology I guess). Flint decents to the world of death (also represented here by the pale and dead-looking organic shapes of the opening sequence’s sculpture… thing).

Anyway, the feather is mainly about Silver: both how they end up meeting in the beginning (the trap, and then some new hope along the way and eventually some light in Flint’s miserable life) and what (who) also ends up being “the end of Captain Flint” (a tiny nod to the swan guarding the border between the living and the dead).

Visually I wanted something to shine in the darkness to remind there’s always hope and another way out. At one point it had an additional thin string leading to Thomas’ hand. You know, a connection to the memory (and to the reason of Flint’s revenge and war path and so on) but the idea didn’t work so well and felt too distracting so I left it (the string) out. And then the finale happened (!!!) and the reflection became also the future.. :D

a way out of the darkness… :)

There was also a post going around a long time ago about the empty space (the absence of Thomas) next to James and Miranda in some scenes, so I incorporated that in here, too. Unfortunately I cannot remember who did the post, so I cannot link it right now :| It was something about how some of the New World scenes were framed in a way that it looked like there was something missing (aka the third person of the trio).

Here’s the early drafts again so you don’t have to scroll back:

I didn’t like the first composition that much and continued it into another direction with similar elements and the main ideas.

The stepping stones changed to wooden planks: angrier zigzag lines (rage) and also the idea of “walk the plank” (except that you don’t know when and where the nightmare ends...)

I ditched the gold coin idea. The overal setting became more spacious and gloomier to emphasize the vastness of abyss and the smallness of people. The stage / arch became the staircase seen in Flint’s dreams.

The whole thing is sailing on a similar sculptural thing seen in the opening sequence which for some reason made me think about the floating theatre in the Moomins (when the Moomin valley is flooded in one dangerous midsummer. LMAO):

(*coughs* lots of water, a stage and some drama after a disaster...so..)

(At one point I was also thinking about Howl’s moving castle and how that too is a monstrous looking vessel travelling between worlds (well, opening doors) but how the moving castle itself is also composed of various other things... and how in the drawing Flint would be stepping out of the ride for a moment to do some dark deeds in one of these ‘worlds’ etc.)

Black Sails opening sequence - is there a term for that cool monstrosity?

Some other inspiration and references:

Akseli Gallen-Kallela’s “Lemminkäisen äiti” (Lemminkäinen’s Mother, 1897).

(notice the swan, the black water, blood-covered stones, ‘the mother’ and the red-bearded ‘son’ waiting/asking for a spark for new life after the mother has combed his broken parts out of the river and assembled them back into the shape of a man)

I must admit that I didn’t bother to think any deeper parallels with Lemminkäinen and Flint (or the Mother and Miranda) beside this (more about it later though) and mainly had my thoughts just on this painting and its visuals because it is so well known (and liked) in Finland.

Moving on.

Screencaps from season 2 (source here):

I chose the latter stairs for the reflection (although modified) only because they were in London and there is an arch above them (to mirror the window in the drawing)

Some steps futher when the needed elements are more clear:

At some point I tried things with a lot more light and coldness (below, left pic) to channel some of the the dream sequence in s3 but in the end I chose the darker atmosphere, faces in shadows and I also wanted to preserve the red colour somehow (right pic):

The reflection sketch (at some point), although most of it cannot be seen in the finished work and thus didn’t need too much details. Young lieutenant James McGraw returning to London from his voyage:

Also, (and I am so sorry about this, but it was “fitting” and I decided to keep it..) in the reflection (when flipped and put in its position) the plank (their unfortunate blood-covered war-path and future) accidentally hides Miranda’s face and decapitates her so to speak and she won’t be there anymore ;_;

Thomas, on the other hand, is in the reflection to meet James -  both in the past and again in the future - but not in ‘the present’ where Miranda is.

Miranda in Flint’s visions (s3 ep3):

When I first met you, you were so Unformed.

And then I spoke and bade you cast aside your shame, and Captain Flint was born into the world. The part of you that always existed yet never were you willing to allow into the light of day.

I was mistress to you when you needed love. I was wife to you when you needed understanding. But first and before all I was mother. I have known you like no other. So I love you like no other. I will guide you through it, but at its end is where you must leave me. At its end is where you will find the peace that eludes you, and at its end lies the answer you refuse to see.

And then in s3ep5: You can't see it yet, can you? You are not alone.

The end part of it is seen in the fandom as a reference to Silver (and his partnership) and how Flint’s mind is telling himself to see it too. And I agree on that. I don’t think James had any hopes for Thomas being alive (especially in s3). As I mentioned earlier I originally did the reflection to show him (Thomas) only as a memory. Then the finale happened and the reflection got its double meaning :)

And here again Miranda as the mother (there has been better discussions about this topic and speech in the fandom so I won’t go more into that now). In the inspiration painting that I showed earlier the mother had assembled his son back together (for rebirth / reanimation) <--- Miranda being part of the creation (birth) of ‘Captain Flint’.

Aaaaand here’s the feather again and Silver’s words (and sort of motto):

“Take it from me, there's always a way.” (season 1)

“Nothing is inevitable here. I'm showing you a way in which we can survive this.″ (season 3)

Some further fixed details and adjustments. In the end the wall almost disappeared and to me it made this feel a bit like “floating alone without a shelter on your back or a place to return once you leave its premise”... I fixed the perspective of the planks (took me surprisingly long to notice what was wrong) and got the bloody red back on the planks (and not leaking too much on the water).

I wanted the water to be quiet, pitch black and endless and the reflection to seem like a dream. I probably should’ve done everything a bit more detailed or sharper, but in the end it didn’t feel so necessary (and it would have been way too much work, haha).

The final drawing:

The planning and initial idea was done after seeing s3 and just when s4 was beginning so there weren’t any thoughts linked to s4 while making this (other than the surprise connection with Thomas). Most of this I did paint after s4 though, but only to finish what I had already started.  

One more thing. I also made “the doors of the warship” -drawing after planning the JOURNEY INTO THE DARK (although I posted the doors pic first, since it was finished earlier).

It has a similar lighting and the theme of James and Miranda facing together ‘the civilization’ although this time they are stepping towards the light again (in hopes of closure and the promise of new life... which doesn’t go well as we already know ;_;).

James and Miranda about to leave the warship and meet Lord Peter Ashe in Charles Town:

So, here we sort of have a beginning and an end for their journey in the dark (together)  - believing that there are just the two of them left from the original trio.

Aaaaaand, that’s about it. Sorry about some repetition and messiness.

As I said in the beginning of this post, you are free to have your own interpretations (and I hope this post didn’t ruin any of them). These were just the things and thoughts that went into this work (or were stumbled upon along the way...), but you don’t have to take them to your heart.

Thank you so much for checking out this post and I hope it was worthy of your time! ( ˘ ³˘)♥  

[buzzdixonwriter]

Mr. Marlowe, Mr. McGee; Mr. McGee, Mr. Marlowe

Some stories are timeless, and some stories stay firmly rooted in their era. 

It’s not an either / or proposition, where one is always preferable to the other.

Two of my favorite series of crime / detective novels are the Philip Marlowe books by Raymond Chandler and the Travis McGee books by John D. MacDonald.

They are, at first blush, somewhat similar.  Insofar as Chandler defined the modern private eye character (although he never laid claim to creating that archetype), MacDonald has to be acknowledged as following Chandler’s lead.

No matter, there’s plenty of room for both.

Virtually all private eye stories, particularly those narrated by the detective in question, filter their worldview through that character (and, obviously, through the author as well).

As much as I love both author’s series, the advantage seems to fall to Chandler.

The Big Sleep was Chandler’s first Marlowe novel in 1939; prototypes of the character had appeared in various short stories published prior to that but The Big Sleep was the first time the character appeared by that name.

Marlowe is a philosophical private eye, with a penchant for poetry and chess and a literary, almost lyrical look at the world around him.  Like most fictional PIs, he finds solace in alcohol, but not to the point of oblivion, only to ease the pain of being human.  To quote “The Simple Art Of Murder” (Chandler’s classic essay on detective fiction):

“Down these mean streets a man must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid…a complete man and a common man and yet an unusual man…a man of honor, by instinct, by inevitability, without thought of it, and certainly without saying it…the best man in his world and a good enough man for any world.”

By comparison, Travis McGee inhabits a brighter, more spacious, more airy world, but not one that’s any less dangerous or debased.

Unlike Marlowe’s Los Angeles milieu, the McGee books typically start in bright, sunny Florida among tanned and trim beautiful people.

MacDonald, like Chandler, was another veteran of the pulp salt mines and though he’d already achieved success as a writer (Cape Fear among many, many other books), the McGee novels were pitched as paperback originals, intended to be churned out like clockwork, filling a particular publishing niche of that era.

As such, the series gets off to a flat, unimaginative, and for the genre, typically gimmicky start:  McGee is a “salvage specialist” who recovers stolen or embezzled money and property through extra-legal means, he lives on a houseboat called The Busted Flush (so named because he won it in a poker game), drives an electric blue Rolls-Royce converted into a pick-up truck named Miss Agnes, has a brilliant economist friend named Meyer who helps out, a colorful cast of background characters, and speaking of color, a linking theme in the titles of all the books (The Deep Blue Good-by, Nightmare in Pink, A Purple Place for Dying, etc.)

In short, pretty typical fodder for the male oriented paperback original action market.

And had the series continued in the vein of The Deep Blue Good-by, we wouldn’t be discussing them.

But MacDonald was too good a writer to just crank stuff out, and while the first McGee novel isn’t what the series would become, it gives MacDonald a voice that wasn’t in any of his other books, and by the second novel he had a firm grasp on what made a Travis McGee story.

Chandler took his time with the Marlowe books, supplementing his income by scripting for Hollywood (Chandler wrote the screenplay for James M. Cain’s book Double Indemnity, William Faulkner wrote the screenplay for Chandler’s The Big Sleep; all that’s missing is Cain adapting a Faulkner story to the screen…).  He wrote seven novels over a period of 19 years, though his focus remained resolutely on character and literary style as opposed to plot (famously when Faulkner and co-screenwriter Leigh Brackett couldn’t figure out who killed a minor character in The Big Sleep they called Chandler and asked him; there was a long pause on Chandler’s end followed by “…damn…”).

MacDonald, conversely, wrote 21 McGee books in 20 years:  Four in 1964, two in 1965, two in 1966, skipping a year, then two in 1968 before settling down to a yearly pace through 1974, another break then the last five books over a six year period.  (Rumors of a final McGee novel, A Black Border For McGee, involving the character’s death and narrated by Meyer appear to be just the wishful thinking of fans.)

What’s shocking about the McGee books during their primo run is just how good they are.  MacDonald through McGee proved to be a sharp and perceptive observer of not just the larger world around him but of American culture in particular and even more tightly focused on Florida. 

Before Elmore Leonard and Carl Hiaason began offering their unique take on the criminal eccentricities of Florida, MacDonald had thoroughly mapped the territory.  Others may have done it better, but he certainly did it first.

It shows in the McGee books, with MacDonald’s garrulous narrator making philosophical asides and observations on every topic imaginable.

McGee (i.e., MacDonald) was concerned with human impact on the environment long before most novelists began picking up on the topic (the exception being science fiction writers, who did see looming problems, but hey -- surprise! surprise! – before he settled into crime fiction as his oeuvre, MacDonald also wrote for the sci-fi pulps and penned two exceptional sci-fi novels, Ballroom Of The Skies and The Wine Of Dreamers).

MacDonald through McGee connected the dots between rapacious human greed and the rape of the environment and the society we live in.  While not all the books touched on ecological problems, they all acknowledged terrible and disastrous change was in the air, change brought about by greed and stupidity.

The two, as McGee / MacDonald frequently notes, go hand in hand.

These philosophical asides were what endeared Travis McGee to us when we discovered him as paperback originals in the 1960s and early 1970s.  The books offered more meat and substance than most books in that genre. 

MacDonald grasped how much his fans enjoyed McGee’s running commentary and began including more and more asides, running longer and longer.

They proved fascinating and entertaining and informative and none of us buying the books back in the day objected…

…but in the end they date the McGee books rather severely, and have probably prevented the character from finding success outside of publishing.

Marlowe, while waxing philosophical himself, knew a little bit goes a long way and held his ramblings in check.

And as a result, he edges ahead because his world, his Los Angeles, remains timeless.

This is not to say there aren’t elements that mark the Philip Marlowe books of a specific time and place, but those are details that can be easily discarded when adapting the stories to film or TV or radio or any other media you desire.

Case in point:  Robert Mitchum made his version of Farewell, My Lovely in 1975 as a period film set just before World War II, then followed it up three years later with The Big Sleep set in Los Angeles of 1978 and nobody saw anything odd about it.

The Marlowe stories transcend specific time even though they stay rooted firmly in Los Angeles and Southern California.  The same cast of con men, aspiring actors, phony psychics, melancholy millionaires, and desperate delirious dreamers have inhabited Los Angeles since before the turn of the century -- the 20th century.  You could set a Philip Marlowe story any time between 1920 and today and save for minor cosmetic details the key elements do not change.

But McGee…ah, McGee is a prisoner of his era.

Mind you, that’s a big hunk of his appeal.  What the Travis McGee books do is offer a running commentary on America-specifically-Florida-specifically-riproaring-capitalist-Florida from 1964 to 1984.

Unlike Marlowe who deals with eternals, McGee deals with the here and now.  His stories all reflect specific slices of time and do a damn fine job of it.

But you can’t take him out of his era.

Sherlock Holmes used to be locked in cobble-stone-hansom-cab-gaslit 1880s London until the recent Sherlock and Elementary series broke him free, but truth be told, that cobblestone imprisonment was a late invention of Hollywood.

Most Holmes stories take place after World War I and he rides in automobiles, flies in airplanes, talks over the telephone and radio, and does any number of technologically advanced things.

The earliest Holmes movies were always set in contemporary times, involving him in fights against Nazi spies in WWII.  It wasn’t until the 1950s that films and TV shows began pushing him back into the late Victorian era.

While some Marlowe films have put him in 1940s L.A., far more have set him in contemporary times.  Marlowe (1969) captures late 1960s L.A. perfectly (and features Bruce Lee as an office destroying thug, replacing the white guy who did the same deed in the source novel, The Little Sister); The Long Goodbye, my personal favorite of all the films based on Chandler’s novels, is resolutely set in 1970s Los Angeles (and features a young and uncredited Arnold Schwarzenegger as one of the bad guy’s heavies).

And if you think there wasn’t a world of difference between 1969 Los Angeles (pre-Manson) and 1973 Los Angeles (post-Manson), guess again.  The fact that books written literally 20 years earlier in both instances could be easily adapted into contemporary films marks Marlowe’s timeless nature.

McGee has not fared so well.

Mind you, I would recommend the McGee books to anyone who’s interested in how American culture progressed during the 1960s / 70s / 80s:  They give a lot of first hand in-the-now information.

But they remain trapped in their era/s. 

Case in point:  The plot of The Quick Red Fox centers on McGee trying to find who’s blackmailing a Hollywood movie star with incriminating photos.

The story hinges on the actress’ career being destroyed if the photos are made public.

That was a big deal in 1964, but in 2017?  The Internet has inured us to such things.

But by 1967, a scant three years after The Quick Red Fox’s publication, societal norms had already shifted to the point where such behavior and photos would no longer have a devastating impact on a person’s life, especially a show biz celebrity.

In contrast, the blackmail scheme in The Big Sleep does not target the mentally ill victim, but rather her father, a frail and dying elderly man wracked with shame and guilt over how he has failed his family.  The plot works regardless of when the story takes place because it doesn’t hinge on how society judges the victim’s sexual behavior but rather how one specific character does, and for reasons unique and particular to that character alone.

McGee (read MacDonald) typically was spot on with his observations, but they are too much a part of the character and the stories to enable them to escape their time.

You always find somebody like the characters in the Marlowe books in Los Angeles, but a lot of McGee’s characters have faded with history:

”Without my realizing it, it had happened so slowly, I had moved a generation away from the beach people. To them I had become a sun-brown rough-looking fellow of an indeterminate age who did not quite understand their dialect, did not share their habits -- either sexual or pharmacological -- who thought their music unmusical, their lyrics banal and repetitive, a square fellow who read books and wore yesterday's clothes. But the worst realization was that they bore me. The laughing, clean-limbed lovely young girls were as bright, functional, and vapid as cereal boxes. And their young men -- all hair and lethargy -- were so laid back as to have become immobile.” (The Lonely Silver Rain)

There have been two attempts to bring McGee to the screen, and while both are serviceable and entertaining as movies, both are failures as McGee films.  Darker Than Amber (1970) featured Rod Taylor as McGee and failed because it lacked McGee’s philosophical voice; Travis McGee (1983, based on The Empty Copper Sea) with Sam Elliot failed because it included that voice.

McGee’s narrative musings, while fascinating on the printed page, do not translate well in cinema.  There may be a way of striking a just-right balance, but the two efforts to date didn’t succeed.

In one way it’s a pity:  Sam Elliot would have made a perfect McGee…in 1973. 

If you want a perfect example of why the McGee books are virtually unfilmable, consider the greatest narrative hook ever written, the opening line to Darker Than Amber:  “We were about to give up and call it a night when somebody threw the girl off the bridge.”

Boom!  You’re already in the middle of the story; the key has been turned, all eight cylinders are firing, the pedal is slammed all the way down.

And it’s McGee’s voice that informs us of this.

The movie shows the unfortunate young lady being tossed off the bridge, and what McGee and Meyer were doing to put them in a position to observe same, but showing this takes too damn long .

By the time she actually is thrown off the bridge, all the impact has been dissipated.

That was MacDonald’s genius…and his curse.

Chandler, showing much more restraint, gets more done even though he does it in (seemingly) a more conventional manner.  There have been awkward adaptations of Chandler’s books, but the fault lays in production decisions, not the actual underlying material.

The crucial difference is that Chandler did not let Marlowe age or otherwise pass through time.

The brilliance of MacDonald’s work is that it traces a long arc through the heart of the 20th century; the brilliance of Chandler’s is that he ignores what is going on around him to focus on foundational issues.

There is also this:  While Chandler faced emotional and physical problems that marred his latter years, he never voiced that pain through Marlowe --  at least not clearly enough to be picked up by his fans.

But following a heart attack in the late 1960s, MacDonald allowed McGee to become more fatalistic, more morbid, more morose, more aware of his own mortality.

His first post-heart attack book, A Tan And Sandy Silence, had fans actively worrying that he was set to kill McGee off; it is certainly as despondent a tale of failed knight errancy as one might hope to find.

The series briefly bounced back to form with The Scarlet Ruse and The Turquoise Lament (though they, too, offer their notes of grim finality; more so than one would expect in a series crime novel), then dipped irretrievably with The Dreadful Lemon Sky (the weakest of what I consider the “real” i.e., original run of McGee novels), followed by a four year gap and then the mediocrity of The Empty Copper Sea.  

I remember reading it when it came out and thinking -- hoping! -- that it was just a temporary setback, that MacDonald would get the McGee series back on its feet and running great guns again.

No.

The quality started faltering badly after that, and though fans tried to convince themselves through The Green Ripper and Free Fall In Crimson that these were still good stories, by  Cinnamon Skin and The Lonely Silver Rain there was no doubting the old magic was gone.

MacDonald died two years after The Lonely Silver Rain was published. 

A lot of us feel it would have been better if he had hung up McGee’s spurs with A Tan And Sandy Silence.

McGee drops back further and further in the rearview mirror; the day will eventually arrive when you will need to be a historian of some kind in order to fully appreciate MacDonald’s sharp writing and observations.

Marlowe will be with us always, even as technology and social changes alter the landscape.

I love Marlowe, I love McGee;  I love Chandler, I love MacDonald.

But only one of them is going to be read by my grandchildren.

. . .

The Philip Marlowe novels of Raymond Chandler

The Big Sleep (1939) Farewell, My Lovely (1940) The High Window (1942) The Lady in the Lake (1943) The Little Sister (1949) The Long Goodbye (1953) Playback (1958)

[Poodle Springs is based on four chapters written before Chandler died in 1959 and finished by Robert B. Parker in 1989; as they are not purely Chandler’s work I don’t consider it canon]

. . .

The Travis McGee books of John D. MacDonald

The Deep Blue Good-by (1964) Nightmare in Pink (1964) A Purple Place for Dying (1964) The Quick Red Fox (1964) A Deadly Shade of Gold (1965) Bright Orange for the Shroud (1965) Darker than Amber (1966) One Fearful Yellow Eye (1966) Pale Gray for Guilt (1968) The Girl in the Plain Brown Wrapper (1968) Dress Her in Indigo (1969) The Long Lavender Look (1970) A Tan and Sandy Silence (1971) The Scarlet Ruse (1972) The Turquoise Lament (1973) The Dreadful Lemon Sky (1974) The Empty Copper Sea (1978) The Green Ripper (1979) Free Fall in Crimson (1981) Cinnamon Skin (1982) The Lonely Silver Rain (1984) 

[recentanimenews]

Fight Through Purgatory and Save Your Sister's Soul in CRYSTAR

Emotions are—for better or for worse—at the center of any memorable RPG. Whether they elicit the joy we felt playing them for the first time as a child, the sadness of seeing our favorite character’s journey come to an end, or the anger from getting one-shotted by a frustrating boss fight, RPGs make us feel things strongly. So it was almost inevitable that someone would one day take those emotions and build an entire game around them, which is exactly what happened with CRYSTAR.

  CRYSTAR is a new 3D action RPG developed by Gemdrops and FuRyu and published Spike Chunsoft for the PS4 and Steam. In it you play as Rei Hatada, a shut-in who wakes up one day to find that she and her younger sister Mirai have been dragged into Purgatory. When a roaming monster attacks the two, an uncontrollable force awakens within Rei that sends Mirai careening further into Purgatory. Wracked with guilt, Rei is approached by a pair of demons who make her an offer: hunt the monsters wreaking havoc in the afterlife and in exchange save Mirai’s soul from reincarnation.

    Guilt, sadness, and regret take center stage in CRYSTAR, best exemplified by the “unparalleled” crying system it touts. In dungeons a special tear gauge appears on screen that fills up automatically when giving or receiving damage. Players can also manually fill up the tear gauge by holding the left shoulder button, causing the player character to literally cry in place. Once the tear gauge has been filled, players can hit the left shoulder button again to summon a Guardian. Guardians are manifestations of the user’s soul that provide special benefits in combat. 

  Additionally, defeating certain powerful monsters causes the player to take on their Torments: regrets from when they were once alive. Once out of a dungeon and safely in Rei’s room, Rei can cry to purify these Torments and turn them into equippable materials. This unique crying system is certainly an interesting feature, but game-ifying the character’s emotions ultimately renders them trite and meaningless. What’s intended to be this powerful tool showcasing the character’s emotional state becomes just another mechanic to deal with. Purifying Torments for better equipment becomes a must before every mission, so players will undoubtedly find themselves skipping through every cutscene of Rei crying pretty early on in the game. The significance of seeing a character cry loses its impact once you’ve repeated the same handful of crying cutscenes ten times.

    Unfortunately, CRYSTAR’s unique gameplay ideas begin and end with the crying system. It’s a by the numbers hack-and-slash dungeon crawler, and a pretty boring one at that. You have a light attack and a heavy attack that supposedly can be strung together to form combos, though the only actual combos available seem to be mashing light attack and mashing heavy attack. In the few dozen hours I spent with CRYSTAR I never found any actual use for the heavy attack combo. It’s slower than the light attack, has fewer hits, and while it does more damage, the overall damage per second ratio felt lower than the light attack’s. There’s also a very useful dash button for avoiding attacks and unlockable skills that can come in handy against more powerful enemies. 

  And you will come to need those skills because the enemies in CRYSTAR are all big damage sponges. An essential component of any good hack-and-slash is the ability to blow through large numbers of enemies quickly. CRYSTAR does not have that. Even against a wave of the weakest enemies in the game you will find yourself stopping in front of one enemy to mash out some light attacks, dash to another to mash out light attacks, dash to another and so on and so forth. 

    It’s frustratingly dull and repetitive, which isn’t helped at all by the environmental design. The dungeon layouts in CRYSTAR are all assembled from the same flat, blocky pieces and in such a fashion that it feels as though they were randomly generated rather than designed. Even when the levels change up the lighting and scenery you can’t help but feel like you’re just running across a different version of the first level. For what it’s worth, the graphics look quite good. The samey art direction just can’t quite keep up. 

  Luckily, the character designs hold up better than the levels do. The dialogue portraits are all beautifully illustrated and their models reflect their designs well. It’s clear that a good amount of time went into modeling their eyes because the result is quite beautiful. Of course, I do have my criticisms, such as the fact that a twenty-one year old college student in the game looks like a middle schooler. I also couldn’t help but feel like these designs were all ripped out of someone’s gothic anime rendition of Alice in Wonderland, but I’m also not going to pretend I wasn’t once totally into that sort of thing. 

    CRYSTAR features some artistic cameos that fans of SHAFT are sure to appreciate as they produced the opening video. It’s nowhere near the best the studio has to offer in the opening department, but it still has the look and polish of a SHAFT video. The game also features special illustrations by Hajime Ueda, the artist behind the FLCL manga and many Monogatari series ending credits. His talents are put to good use illustrating the painful memories motivating each of the game’s characters. 

  How well those characters hold up story-wise though is a bit of a letdown. The main characters in CRYSTAR all play out more like archetypes than they do believable individuals. They all have their main motivation (“Everything that I do is because of Justice…”) and one quirk (“...also I like ramen, I guess”). This only becomes a problem when the only adult in the main cast turns out to be a pervert who likes to get handsy with the rest of the schoolgirls she fights with. It’s played up for comedy, of course, but it’s a tired trope that isn’t and has never been funny. It’s extremely needless and an eyesore sticking out of what turned out to be a fairly satisfying story. 

    That’s right, despite the awkward quirks and flat character motivations, CRYSTAR ultimately ends up having a pretty decent story. It’s unfortunately difficult to talk about its best attributes without getting deep into spoiler territory, but there’s much more going on in CRYSTAR than would appear at first glance. Think Dante’s Inferno by way of Puella Magi Madoka Magica. Guilt, sadness, and regret are again the core emotions it attempts to elicit, and it does so by drowning its characters in these emotions and illustrating the different ways they can make or break them. 

  This unfortunately leads to it tackling some heavy subject matter in less than ideal ways. It predictably attempts to talk about suicide on multiple occassions and never really gets it right. It always feels as though it was included to elicit a strong emotional response rather than because someone had something intelligent to say. It’s there for shock value, which is something that can be said for the glossary of enemy backstories you get for defeating special enemies in the game. There are quite a lot of these backstories, which would be rather impressive if they weren’t so repetitive. 

    All of the backstories are tragic, and most of them end with them either committing suicide or being murdered by a serial killer. Sure, those are definitely deaths that can cause someone to be consumed by regret in the afterlife, but they’re also pretty extreme. Practically everyone feels lingering regret over extremely benign things. Fact: it is much more likely that an argument you had with your parents will keep you awake tonight than the fear of a serial killer will.

  There’s one unifying factor holding all of these criticisms together: repetitiveness. As enjoyable as CRYSTAR’s story ultimately was, it was completely dragged down by the game’s repetitive nature. The worst offender is, of course, the gameplay. Mashing the same combo over and over again on spongey enemies is boring enough. It’s made even worse by the fact that there’s just so much of it. One full playthrough of this game will take you a good 30+ hours, and that’s without ever even dying. Story sequences are short and sandwiched between massive chunks of frustratingly dull gameplay. It’s a shame, really. There are some neat ideas and flashes of enjoyment to be found in CRYSTAR, but they’re few and far between it what ends up being a frustratingly broken mess. If the controls just felt looser, if the enemies just took a few less hits to die, if the dungeons were just a few levels shorted, then perhaps CRYSTAR would be worth your time and money.

  REVIEW ROUNDUP

+ Quality character designs, very pretty eyes

+ Hajime Ueda’s signature scratchy illustrations

+ You can pet the dog! 

+/- Satisfying story that unfortunately mishandles certain topics

+/- Good graphics held back by repetitive environments

- Forgettable soundtrack

- Poor level design

- Bloated gameplay sections

- Slow, repetitive combat

Are you planning on playing CRYSTAR? Have you already gotten your hands on it? Let us know what you think about the game below!

    -----

Danni Wilmoth is a Features writer for Crunchyroll and co-host of the video game podcast Indiecent. You can find more words from her on Twitter @NanamisEgg.

Do you love writing? Do you love anime? If you have an idea for a features story, pitch it to Crunchyroll Features!

By: news+feed@crunchyroll.com

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Want to change your life? You can’t be afraid of making money

By: Whitney Nicely | Think Save Retire

Only a handful of years ago, I was working in my parent’s trucking business making a mere $500 each week, living for the adventure of weekends away (that I could hardly afford), and hating most days of my existence.

This was not the life I signed up for.

In the span of only a few months, I took my life by the reigns, decided to make some major changes, and started taking big risks.

I failed, several times in fact…but I never gave up. My focus for change came in the form of real estate investing, and in the beginning, I charged hard and fell hard.

Then, the pieces all started to click. I connected with mentors who taught me how to adjust my strategy, and I made $140,000 in 9 months.

My life was forever changed.

Since taking control of my life through investing, I have started helping other women do the same.  There is a single repeated element that constantly seems to get in the way: mindset.

Fear runs rampant when you let it take a hold, but when you instead face it head on, look it in the eyes, and tell it who is boss, the noise quiets down and the path forward presents itself.

Yeah, I know it all sounds like a bunch of woo-woo hogwash, but the fact is that far too often we get in our own way when it comes to change, especially making money::gasp::.

I am going to bet that you, too, have a struggle that holds you back from taking the chances and making the changes that will set you up for the retired life you crave.

Let’s be honest: we need money to live, pay for necessities, and cover the comforts we have decided are right for us.  So, why do we feel so guilty about making it?

It’s time to stop letting your head get in the way of your life goals, and instead, correct your thinking so that it propels you forward to where you want to go.

So, what are the thoughts that are keeping you stuck?  Here are 5 common destructive ones that get in the way.

Which is holding you back?

Five destructive ways you’re sabotaging your life

1: Fear of Failure

Fear of failure is a hugely common struggle that must be overcome by anyone looking to make a change in life. But, it is easy to get stuck in the idea that everything will fall apart if you start making changes.

Maybe you have stories of other people’s devastating life events spinning around in your mind. Or, if you are a big fan of the news, you hear all sorts of stories about how someone lost everything and spiraled into some life struggle.

The world can really seem like a scary place.

The thing is, though, failure is part of life. A life lived without failure is barely a life at all. Every day, whether we realize it or not, we face some arena where we could fail: marriage, friendships, parenting, work, driving, etc. Things happen that are outside of your control all the time, yet you still step up to the challenge each day.

Just like in everything else, when you crave a change in your life you must accept that failure is an inherent risk.

Not good, not bad; just fact.

Focus on what you can control, which is often far more than you recognize. There are so many areas that are under your control, like a determination to figure it out when problems (inevitably) arise, commitment to continuing on even if things get hard and being willing to embrace struggle as a part of the process.

You must learn to embrace failure as a temporary condition in the journey of success. It is a sign of moving forward, so the more failures you experience and work through, the higher the likelihood that you will eventually make the kind of money that you want.

#2  Comparison to Others

If there is one thing that just about everyone experiences nowadays, it is inadequacy due to comparison.

Social media and media, in general, tends to give us a front row seat to the “highlight reels” of many different lives across the span of the world. It is easier now than ever to be acutely aware of how great someone else’s life appears to be, and how completely insufficient your own is.

Now, I am pretty sure that most of us work to fight this battle of comparison in the general landscape of our lives, but what about in the arena of making money?

In the exact same way that we often are exposed to the best portions of someone else’s life with social media, we often only become aware of someone else’s financial success once they have hit a pretty high mark.

Few people share the earliest days of their business-growth journey, hustle to create a side income, or the endless variety of not-so-easy stuff they did to achieve their financial goal.

Usually, it is not until success has been achieved and proven that people open up about how difficult it was at first.

So, take this to heart. If you are still in the early stages of hustle and push, and things are hard, you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

It is hard to get a boulder moving uphill! The vision, though, is that on the other side of that high hill is a rolling continuation of the initial effort that will keep things moving for years.  

Most of us know the adage, “Nothing worth having comes easy.”

But, knowing and internalizing are two very different things. Stop and realize that no one who has achieved financial success has done so without a significant struggle. Where you are is not a reflection of where you have the potential to go.

Determine your course and keep doing the work. Your success will eventually follow.

#3  Imposter Syndrome

Have you ever felt like you are the only person in the entire room that literally has no idea what you are doing?

Maybe you have this sense that you are a total fake, and that if “people only knew” how little you know you would likely lose it all. Imposter syndrome is a fascinating struggle because it is a feeling that presumes “everyone else has got it all figured out”.

The reality is that this is far from true! Most people are simply doing their best to face the issue in front of them. In fact, many people jump headlong into things they are not prepared to face because they know that doing so will actually make them better at what they do.

For most of us, things aren’t automatically easy.

A great quote from Richard Branson, owner of the Virgin conglomerate label, is “If someone offers you an amazing opportunity and you’re not sure you can do it, say yes – then learn how to do it later.”  

If that is not leaning into “imposter” potential, I do not know what is. But, this is the way that success is achieved! Taking risks, failing forward, and staring down the unknown of life with the determination to figure it out.

This “leap and learn as you go” mentality is the foundation for a growth mindset. Rather than thinking that “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” reject that nonsense and embrace the fact that learning comes at all stages of life!  

If you have learned how to do something before, you can sure as heck do it again! You are not fixed in your knowledge, and you are not finite in what you have the ability to learn.

So, the next time that you feel like a total fraud in whatever it is you are doing (work, life, financial success, etc) remember that everyone else is simply doing their best guess, too.

Face the struggle, leap in, learn along the way, and do your best.  If it fails, learn from it and then try it again.  Wash, rinse, and repeat. Always.

#4  If you want money, you must be greedy

Nothing stirs up a political debate like the topic of money.

When it comes to making money, today’s landscape seems to make it clear that there is something wrong with having it (or, “too much” of it).  

However, no matter on which side of the political spectrum you fall, we can all agree that money is a necessity (see opening paragraphs). If you are burdened by the idea of having a lot of money to give your life comfort, there are still some ways to deal with that feeling.

First, feel free to donate and/or make altruistic use of the money you earn!  

The fact is that if you have the heart to see people live better and do better you surely cannot do much about that when you are broke. The best contributors to society are the ones who can produce jobs for others!

Can you come up with a way to employ those around you with the soaring cash you want to make? Consider out of the box thinking for how you can use money in a way to serve others, eliminating the idea that it is “greedy” to have it.

Next, use your money to invest in others!  

Philanthropy is a HIGHLY valuable asset for so many start-ups around the world right now. Many new business owners with incredibly innovative ideas need some capital to get started.

If you make a load of money, you can always use it in a way to “pay it forward.” The buck does not have to stop with you (pun intended ::wink::).

Finally, consider that money is simply a tool. It is not some evil entity that tilts the heart and mind towards corruption and selfishness any more than a television inherently seduces a viewer to be lazy.  

You have a mind that can make plenty of choices, so take time to think about all of the good that can come from you making a ton of money!

Yes, TON!

While taking care of yourself is surely a noble goal, it is certainly equally as exceptional to look for ways to expand that effort even further to benefit others. Reject any lies that money is evil and that you are greedy for wanting it.

Instead, think of great ways to help prosper others along the way (even if it means teaching others to do what you’ve done so that they too can be financially free!) and your dollar will go much farther than you think.

#5 You’re Not Worthy

The final destructive thought I wanted to discuss is a lack of self-worth.

Somewhere along the course of your life, maybe you have come to believe that you don’t deserve to make a life-changing amount of money.

Words might have been tossed your way saying such things, or maybe someone criticized you when you made some money and you subconsciously agreed with the sentiment.

Today, we are going to reject that nonsense. Yes, nonsense!

Tell me first who actually is “worthy” of a pile of money? Can you define that person? I sure can’t! The fact is that everyone deserves to live a life they love and make money doing something they enjoy, but the vast majority of us do not have the fortitude and determination to make the changes in our lives or ourselves to achieve it.

Your worth as a human is not determined by your bank account; not for you, not for anybody.

You’re a human being, and inherently valuable, but you have to believe that. Before you can ever really live in a way to invest in your own existence you have to believe that you matter enough to honor and respect.

Do you have to be perfect to do that? No, none of us are perfect.

Will you see things that you don’t like about yourself and that you want to address? Yes, of course. That’s what it means to be a human.

Decide today that you are going to be your own best friend.

You would ever tell your best friend that they should absolutely accept what life throws at them, sit back, and throw their hands up. No! You’d encourage their dreams, cheer them on in their goals, and support them in any way that you can.

So, do that for yourself, too!  

Don’t stop treating other people as valuable. Treat yourself and your own dreams and goals with the same exact support. Your dreams are worth it; your future does matter. Recognize your own value and support your own dreams starting today.

Are you ready to make life-changing money?

Phew, that was a lot, and it was heavy, but really, that is what this is all about. If you are truly serious about making life-changing money, you have to get serious about the things that it takes to do it!

This is not the easy road. This is a road of work and hustle, long nights and incredible focus. There is a reason that not everyone decides to travel down it.

But, if you are serious about your dreams of retiring early, committed to doing what it takes to make it happen, and intentional about growing in whatever painful way is required to achieve it, I am confident that you, too, will live the life you’ve always imagined.

As a wise man (Dave Ramsey) has said, “If you live today like nobody else, you’ll live tomorrow like nobody else.”. Now, get to it. Your dream life is waiting for you.

Republished with the permission of ThinkSaveRetire.com.

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Source/Repost=> http://technewsdestination.com/want-to-change-your-life-you-cant-be-afraid-of-making-money/ ** Alex Hammer | Founder and CEO at Ecommerce ROI ** http://technewsdestination.com

[drawerevent03-blog]

Cinnamon Crunch Cereal and Hemp Milk

“It is easier to change a man’s religion than to change his diet.” – Margaret Mead

Yup. Pretty much. This entire shift began when I had a particularly gnarly couple of months with manic mood swings that rivaled my adolescence, acne flare-ups, bloating, low energy, night sweats, and all-round malaise. Knowing what I know, I looked at my diet first to see what could be adjusted. Everything was organic, whole, plant-based and totally “healthy” by most peoples’ standards. But it just wasn’t working anymore. I knew something had to give.

Delving in deeper, a typical day for me was a whole-grain porridge in the morning, topped with all kinds of seasonal fruit, homemade granola etc. Lunch was a couple slices of organic sourdough rye bread from the local bakery, with homemade hummus, avocado, sprouts etc. Dinner was often a mixed bowl, the base of which was brown rice, quinoa, millet or buckwheat covered in a rainbow of vegetables, homemade pickles, superfood-loaded sauce, and fresh herbs. I wasn’t eating sugar, drinking coffee, I was keeping up with my exercise and sleeping well. So what was the problem? In this case, I had a feeling it was a big ol’ grain overload.

The idea of cutting back on my morning oats, bread, and grain bowls was literally devastating to me. I cried. On multiple occasions, just talking about giving up muffins made me weep, and I felt like there was just no way I could make even more changes, or think about my diet even more than I already did.

I have had two serious experiences with orthorexia in my life. For those of you who don’t know what orthorexia is, it is defined as an obsession with healthy eating. It is considered an eating disorder, and one that is becoming more prevalent in Western culture as healthy eating becomes increasingly “trendy”. The first bout happened the year I moved out of the house to study at university. While many of my friends were bingeing on junk food and beer, I swung in the opposite direction entirely and took advantage of the incredible meal program that was offered at school, and fueled myself with enormous salads, delicious sandwiches and wraps, veggie-heavy soups and stews, and protein-rich smoothies. I also signed up for the free fitness classes at the university gym, got hooked on kickboxing, step aerobics, boot camp drills, and the weight literally fell off me. I lost about 25 pounds that year, and for the first time in my life I felt like I was in control of the way I looked. The sudden attention from guys – which I had never had before – further stoked the fires for my desire to be even thinner, even though my initial motivation to eat this way stemmed from a desire to be healthy. As my attitude towards food morphed from friend to enemy, I flirted with a full-on eating disorder at this point, playing games with myself to see how long I could go without eating, how many exercise classes I could fit in between classes and study groups, how long I could make my bean salad from lunch last (too long!). Eventually my energy levels dropped to the point where I had a very hard time getting out of bed in the morning and I couldn’t concentrate well in school. I realized that I had taken things too far and started eating in a more balanced way again. I put the experience behind me without giving it too much thought.

The second time this resurfaced was, ironically, while studying holistic nutrition. While I was learning all about foods and how my body worked, I became almost afraid to eat, toxifying my body, or “poisoning” it with sugar, gluten, dairy and the rest. I became obsessed with detoxing and subsisted only on “clean foods”; mostly vegetables. I was stressed, my hair started falling out, my acne came back and my energy hit an all-time low. Despite my obvious physical misery, I somehow felt validated since I wasn’t putting anything “bad” in my body. Eating as healthy as possible became obsessive for me and my classmates, and we’d all proudly bring our lunches to school, subtly scrutinizing each other’s Tupperware contents. Again, food had lost its pleasure, its joy, and had become something that I saw as more of an enemy than a friend. And that really scared me.

After graduating, I finally got a grip, and once again slowly re-established a healthy relationship to what I was eating. It is for these reasons that food is such a tender subject for me, and changing my diet dangerous territory. I spent so many years struggling to achieve a positive connection with food, and when I finally got there and it felt like such a relief. The prospect of having to go “back to that place” of thinking about food more than I already did felt unsafe for me, and slipping back into an obsessive place felt like an inevitability. Meanwhile, the negative self-talk voices were loud and overpowering, telling me how I was fat, flabby, weak, old – things that I KNEW weren’t true. But that’s the sad thing about internal monologues, they don’t need to make sense to play like broken records in our minds all day every day. It’s enough to drive a person insane. The cruel voices coupled with my extreme fear of reverting back to my old thought patterns and eating habits absolutely terrified me. I felt like I had hit a wall of hopelessness. And all I wanted to do to feel better was to eat a piece of eff-ing bread.

The reason I suspected the grain thing was because of the unique relationship that blood sugar has to our hormones. If we’re consuming carbohydrates at a faster rate than our bodies are utilizing them for energy, that extra glucose gets stored in the fat cells of the liver, which decreases its ability to breakdown excess estrogen, and allowing it to hang around in our systems longer than it should. This excess circulating estrogen causes a whole host of symptoms, including, you guessed it: mood swings, bloating, sluggish metabolism, tender breasts, fatigue, foggy thinking, PMS, and many more less-than-desirable issues. Now, these things can be exacerbated by stress (shocker), inadequate fat and protein intake, and environmental factors, all of which I was likely suffering from.

I set out by making a plan, since I know how hard it is to make positive changes without preparation. Instead of focusing on the all the things I wanted to reduce or eliminate, I focused on the foods I could have, foods higher in fat and protein, since I knew that those things would naturally elbow out the things I would normally fall back on (I’m looking at you, banana bread). I made a list that I could refer to when I was grocery shopping for ingredients. I cooked and froze things. I stocked the fridge and pantry. I was ready.

Within the first few days I already noticed a difference: my energy was incredibly stable, my emotions were in check, the bloating in my stomach dissipated, and I just felt good. As the days rolled on my compulsive urges to down half a dozen muffins subsided, and it was like I could clearly see that what I had actually been battling was blood sugar issues – not just “too many” grains or carbohydrates. It became clear that I had been taking my bod on a wild rollercoaster of high and low blood sugar for years, which had in turn been tossing my hormones around like a pair of sneakers in a washing machine. Stabilizing blood sugar is the first step in managing your endocrine’s system ability to do its job properly. I realized that if I was going to eat grains (or any carbohydrate-heavy food), I had to eat them in smaller amounts, balance them out thoughtfully with enough fat and protein, and make sure that I was actually using that energy instead of letting it sit around in my body. So far, things have been going incredibly well, and I am so darn proud of myself for not only identifying the issue, but actually doing something about it.

We are fluid beings with needs that evolve and change over time. Our diets need to reflect that, which is why it’s imperative to listen to our bodies and be advocates for our own health. No one knows your body better than you, and once you quiet all the noise out there telling you “how” to eat in black-and-white terms, you’ll be able to hear yourself, without judgement, and choose the way of eating that is just right for you, right now. It may be different tomorrow, and that is okay too. In sharing this all with you, I am trying to set an example, because you too have this intuition that is telling you just what you need to eat and do right now. It’s actually fun to be connected to yourself, your unique rhythms and needs. Learning about how you operate and designing a plan that caters to your exceptional self means that you can celebrate, instead of berate your body the whole month through, and experience pleasure in every stage of our cycle. I promise.

This is undoubtedly a huge topic, and one that I plan on chipping away at over the next few blog posts. Some things I want to reiterate here are, that I do not believe that grains or carbohydrates are bad. No natural food group should be vilified, just as no macronutrient should be either. If you’re thinking about giving up carbs, I’d advise you not to. Glucose, the sugar found in carbohydrates is your brain’s primary fuel source, and when consumed responsibly, carbs will help you on your wellness journey, not hinder you. I still stand behind each and every one of the recipes that I have created for this blog, the app, and both of my cookbooks, and I believe that they are appropriate for many people to enjoy. However at this stage of my life, some of the recipes do not serve my needs any longer, and I’ve had to make small changes to them, or put them on the shelf for another time. I’m okay with that.

Whew! Now for some notes on the recipe.

The base recipe for my Cinnamon Toast Crunch-inspired cereal is grain-free, but it does rely on almond flour, which can be expensive. If you can tolerate pseudo-grains, feel free to top up the base with buckwheat flour. This will bulk up the cereal considerably so you’ll have more for less money.

This cereal is r-i-c-h. You really only need a small amount to fuel you in the morning – not like the bottomless bowls of that we’re used to consuming in the morning without every really feeling satisfied, ya know what I mean? And paired with a luscious liquid like my Super Creamy Hemp Milk will keep you full for even longer, help stabilize your blood sugar, not to mention flood your bod with the delicate nutrients and powerful enzymes that store-bought, plant-based milk is missing. This recipe is dead simple and pretty much like cream – I shouldn’t even call it milk, since it’s so rich and thick. And since we’re thinking outside the cereal box here, don’t stop at breakfast…this milk is amazing in coffee and tea, in raw treats and baked goods, soup, smoothies, ice cream and popsicles. You’re gonna love it!

I made the cereal the first time with just almond flour and a full half-cup of applesauce. It was definitely delicious, but I loved it just as much when I cut this amount in half. If you don’t want all the sweetness, use just ¼ cup / 60ml of applesauce instead of the full amount. If you’re using buckwheat flour, you will need the full amount of the applesauce’s moisture to bind it all together. I haven’t tried a version without the coconut sugar, so if you’re not into that stuff feel free to play with the recipe on your own.

    Print recipe    

Grain-free / Gluten-free Cinnamon Crunch Cereal Makes 5-7 servings

Ingredients: ½ cup ground flax seeds / 50g 1 ½ cups / 150g blanched almond flour 1½ Tbsp. cinnamon ¼ tsp. fine sea salt ¼ cup / 35g coconut sugar ¼ cup / 60ml – ½ cup / 125ml applesauce (½ cup / 125ml if using buckwheat flour) 1 Tbsp. coconut oil, melted optional: ½ cup / 85g buckwheat flour

Directions: 1. Preheat oven to 325°F/160°C.

2. Combine the ground flax seeds, almond flour, cinnamon, salt, and sugar in a large mixing bowl. Stir well. Then add the desired amount of applesauce and coconut oil, and stir to fully incorporate (you made need to use your hands if it gets too dry). Gather dough into a rough ball.

3. Place dough ball on a sheet of baking paper with another sheet on top. Using a rolling pin, roll the dough as evenly as possible, about 2mm thickness (not quite paper thin). If you’re using buckwheat flour, you’ll need to separate the dough into two batches to achieve this. Remove top sheet of baking paper, and using a paring knife, score the dough into small squares of your desired size (mine were about 1.5cm / .5” square).

4. Place in the oven to bake for about approximately 25 minutes until turning golden around the edges, then turn the oven off and let the cereal sit in there until cool (this will help dry it out and make them extra crisp).

5. Once the cereal is completely cool, break up the pieces into squares and place in an airtight glass container. Store for up to one month at room temperature.

Super Creamy Hemp Milk Makes 1 liter / 1 quart

Ingredients: scant 4 cups / 1 liter water ¾ cup hulled hemp seeds / hemp hearts

Totally optional add-ins: sweetener (stevia, dates, honey, maple syrup…) vanilla sea salt raw cacao powder

Directions: 1. Place all ingredients in the blender and blend on high until smooth (this make take a couple minutes). 2. Pour directly into a sterilized bottle and store in the fridge for up to 5 days.

Initially, I was really afraid to come out about any of this stuff – the changes my diet is undergoing, the orthorexia, the internal voices! But I know in my gut that if I’m going through it, someone else out there is too. And the reason I wanted to start My New Roots in the first place was to create a safe space for everyone to share and support each other on our health journeys, so I have to be as transparent and honest as I feel I can be to set that example. I want to say a huge heartfelt thank-you to all of you who have stood by me all of these years and continue to do so. It feels pretty amazing to have you, and to be getting better all together.

In light and gratitude, Sarah B.

*****

Also… There’s one spot left for the upcoming retreat in Ibiza, click here to join me for a week of total inspiration and rejuvenation!

Source: https://www.mynewroots.org/site/2017/08/cinnamon-crunch-cereal-hemp-milk/

[thrashermaxey]

Ramblings: Hoffman, Pacioretty, Couture, Bozak, Ferland, and Roussel – July 12

  In just three weeks, the 2018-19 Dobber Hockey Fantasy Guide will be released. Be sure to head to the Dobber Shop to grab your copy! The guide is updated periodically until the season begins to reflect trades, injuries, and new line combinations, so even if you’re early, you won’t miss out on up-to-date information.

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Dominik Bokk signed his entry-level contract with the Blues on Wednesday and it seems he’ll be headed back to Sweden for the 2018-19 season. With the bevy of signings and trades St. Louis has made in the last few weeks, there’s no real need to rush the sniping prospect into the NHL. I know dynasty owners are going to be disappointed but it’s the right call.

In talking with Cam Robinson around draft time, Bokk was a guy he mentioned among the non-elite to keep an eye on. St. Louis evidently thought the same thing as they traded up to draft him. The more I read about him, the more impressed I am with him though it seems the hockey community is kind of split on him. Some saw him as a mid-first pick, some didn’t see the potential. I’m starting to be a believer, though the usual disclaimer applies: I’m not a prospects writer nor do I scout them. I rely on the excellent work of people like Cam.

You can read Bokk's Dobber Prospects profile here. 

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Nothing fantasy hockey related, but a pretty fun read from Adam Gretz at Pro Hockey Talk about the Jaromir Jagr trade out of Pittsburgh all those years ago.

*

Just to reiterate something about the Florida Panthers: one of Mike Hoffman and Evgeni Dadonov will not be on the top PP unit this year (for the most part). Now, Dadonov did not really need a bevy of PP points to perform well last year, so he can still be a 55- or 60-point guy without that slotting. If Hoffman is to top 30 goals for the first time in his career, though, he does need those minutes. Keep that in mind when draft season approaches.

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Something I noticed while trying to figure out San Jose’s line combinations for next year: Logan Couture has seen is individual shot-on-goal rate per 60 minutes at five-on-five decline every year since the lockout season. In 2017-18, he ranked 170th out of 367 forwards with at least 500 minutes in shots/60 minutes. Five years ago at the end of the lockout year, he was 29th out of 339 forwards with at least 300 minutes. In total, his shots/60 has declined about 34 percent over the last five seasons. We expect decline as a player ages but he’s still in his twenties and that decline came largely from age 24 through age 27.

Line mates? Role? Being more selective (his two highest shooting percentage seasons are the last two years)? Regardless, it’s going to be hard for him to repeat 30 goals if his shot totals don’t grow. 

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We’re hitting the quiet part of the off season. As far as trades are concerned, it seems inevitable both Max Pacioretty and Erik Karlsson are moved, it’s just a matter of when. We can probably add Jeff Skinner to that list as well. There are some cases going through arbitration from RFAs deserving of big contracts like Mark Stone, Jason Zucker, and William Karlsson. The signing of Patrick Maroon (you can read the fantasy impact here) basically means all the big-name UFAs are signed. In all, outside a few trades, there’s not much left until training camps hit.

As a side note, something I realized while writing these Ramblings: the Western Conference as a whole, outside of St. Louis and Calgary, didn’t really do a whole lot this off season, did they?

Chicago’s biggest signing might be Cam Ward.

Colorado signed some depth with Ian Cole and Matt Calvert.

The biggest addition/signing between Dallas, Minnesota, Nashville, and Winnipeg, four teams with Cup aspirations, is probably Blake Comeau? I guess Valeri Nichushkin though he’s really just a returning player.

The Kings signed Ilya Kovalchuk which may not be that big of a get depending how he performs.

Vancouver… well we’ll leave Vancouver alone. They know what they did.

Arizona added a few forwards but Alex Galchenyuk may be the only player of serious impact, and even that’s uncertain.

The Blues and Flames made pretty significant changes while most largely stood pat or handed out tens of millions of dollars to fourth liners. I suppose Erik Karlsson could change that equation if he does land somewhere like Dallas.

On the topic of UFAs, I think it’s worth reviewing the landing spots of some of the bigger names in new destinations either via trade or free agency. Too often, fantasy owners (present company included) just hand-wave a player going to a new team who seems to be just going into the same role on a new team and assume constant production.

Here are a few players whose production probably declines with their new team.

  Tyler Bozak

Bozak’s signing is solid for the Blues in terms of getting them a true third-line centre who can facilitate for their scoring wingers. In terms of fantasy hockey, owners need to realize that Bozak, going into his age-32 season, has one 50-point campaign (2016-17) and one 20-goal campaign (2014-15).

He’s going to a situation in St. Louis where his role at five-on-five won’t change much – third line in a sheltered role with talented wingers – but he will probably lose significant power-play minutes; Schenn-Schwartz-Tarasenko will eat a lot of minutes on a top unit while Ryan O’Reilly likely figures as the fourth. Losing just 30 seconds on the power play per game, which is a conservative estimate, will see him lose 3-4 points off his total from last year assuming constant goal rates. It’s that double-whammy where not only does his overall production decline, but his PP production as well, reducing his value in multiple roto categories.

He’s never been a multi-category performer so Bozak is basically only to be drafted in deep leagues or leagues that count face-offs. Though he’s going to what appears to be a very good St. Louis team going into 2018-19, the loss of power-play time is going to be a hit to what was already his meagre fantasy value.

  Micheal Ferland

As I mentioned in a review of the free agent signings a couple weeks ago, we’ve probably seen the best fantasy season we’re going to see from Ferland unless we see some dramatic changes to the Carolina roster. Last year saw a big jump in five-on-five ice time per game, garnering 1:45 more per game than his previous career-high. While the uncertainty around Jeff Skinner’s situation means there are likely more changes coming to this Carolina roster, as it stands right now, Teuvo Teravainen and Justin Williams are ahead of Ferland on the right side. They also just drafted a potential star in Andrei Svechnikov. If Svechnikov shows well early in the season, Ferland could find himself on the fourth line.

Now, Ferland is a left-handed shot even though he often played the right wing often in Calgary. But even if they moved him to the left side, he’s still behind Sebastian Aho and Skinner (for now). Brock McGinn had a solid season last year, Valentin Zykov showed promise down the stretch, and they added Jordan Martinook. If Skinner is moved and they don’t add another left winger, maybe Ferland ends up as the second-line left winger. But Skinner would have to be traded, the team would have to decide to move him to the left wing, and he’d have to outperform a few players to maintain that role. His best-case right now is that he’s moved around the middle-six for the Hurricanes, which is still a huge downgrade from spending nearly three-quarters of a season on a top line with Johnny Gaudreau and Sean Monahan.

Without top power-play minutes, which he won’t get, and top-line slotting, which he also won’t get, it’s very, very hard to see Ferland repeating 20 goals and 40 points. He can still be fine with a 15-15 season in leagues that count hits, but this is a serious downgrade for him.

  Antoine Roussel

I suppose no one drafts Roussel for point production. He’s drafted for triple-digit penalty minute and hit totals. And his shooting percentage is going to rebound from the 5.9 percent he shot last year, a far cry from his 12.7 percent shooting for his career going into the 2017-18 season.

All the same, anyone not playing on the top line for the Canucks is going to have a hard time scoring this year. There are a lot of hopes pinned on the likes of Elias Pettersson and Adam Gaudette but for now they’re still unproven rookies. In his last decent offensive season, Roussel was spending significant minutes with Tyler Seguin. I can’t imagine he gets a real shot with Bo Horvat and Brock Boeser.

Again, Roussel is going to spend time with unproven rookies or someone like Brandon Sutter. That’s with mediocre (at best) puck-moving defencemen behind them which may or may not include Chris Tanev in the near future. Despite being a rat on the ice, he’s an effective player. The problem is he may not get the same chance in Vancouver that he did at times in Dallas. A 25-point season would be a huge win. Though, as mentioned above, he’s not really drafted in fantasy for his point totals.

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Though the rumours for years have been that Max Pacioretty is on his way out the door, M-A Godin of The Athletic says that a trade is going to happen soon, given that the team will not negotiate a contract extension with him. It seems the tenure of one of the top goal scorers in a generation of the team’s history is over.

That’s not hyperbole, either. Though he’s not near the top of the franchise list in total goals scored, he did have one of the best peaks in team history. He was late to the NHL and suffered injuries, so his first full season was 2011-12 at the age of 23. In the six seasons from the age of 23 to the age of 28, he scored 189 goals in 439 games, or 0.43 goals per game. That is the highest goals per game mark of any Habs player since the mid-1980s. Quite literally, Montreal fans waited nearly three decades for a goal scorer as consistent and prolific as Pacioretty.

Wherever he ends up, hopefully he’s embraced by his new fan base. During his peak, Pacioretty was among the top wingers in the league and 2017-18 saw a decline due to injury. If he’s healthy when he returns, his new team will get a tried-and-true top-line left winger.

from All About Sports https://dobberhockey.com/hockey-rambling/ramblings-hoffman-couture-bozak-ferland-and-roussel-july-12/

[theseventhhex]

Kool G Rap Interview

Kool G Rap

Photo by Shareif Ziyadat

If you ask any hip-hop fan to describe Kool G Rap, you would get answers like "the Godfather of gangster rap" or "he's your favourite rapper's favourite rapper", but if there was a more fitting word to describe this man, it would be a "legend". Kool G Rap has fathered a whole genre of hip-hop with his gritty storytelling abilities painting vivid pictures of the daily struggles faced on the harsh streets of inner city New York. His complex multi-syllabalistic rhyme scheme was ground breaking when he first introduced it to the world. His unique style and storytelling abilities wrapped with his cunning lyricism have come to inspire artists from the likes of Big Pun, 2Pac, Jay-Z and Nas to name but a few. Kool G Rap has been at the forefront of hip-hop for over two decades. He is still as inspirational and as hungry as ever with his ability to adapt his style, always remaining relevant, thus making him not only one of hip-hop's greats, but also one of music's most resilient artists… The Seventh Hex talks to G Rap about his style evolving, hip hop’s sub-genres and how he’d like to be remembered…

TSH: What sort of styles did you feel compelled to explore with your latest release, 'Return of the Don'?

Kool G Rap: I'd say this new record isn't so much about digging in the past; it's more of a record that sees G Rap pretty much go right in. My last album was touching on topics that stem from my past and things that were more close to home, like personal events, but this album is displaying more of the artistic side of G Rap. I've given a bit of everything over the years and leaned towards being very cinematic with my storytelling. You know, I see music like putting a movie together: sometimes a movie is a true story and sometimes its imagination; however, I try to cover both. But, yeah man, this album is more geared towards my artistic side. Throughout this album, I'm being very lyrical, as well as being clever with wordplay and metaphors too.

TSH: How do you feel your songwriting has evolved over the years?

Kool G Rap: I feel my style has evolved with my life as I've grown up. I don't like to talk or focus too much on my views of life because eventually you run out of things to say. Nobody has a life where things are continuously full of major events taking place. I want to incorporate more topics about being older and mature, as well as current events around the world. It doesn't always have to be about street life or things we did when we were young. I guess I've never been preachy and I don't think I'll ever fit into that category, but on this record I do touch on these vibes from time to time.

TSH: For you, it must remain essential to be a wordsmith with innovative wordplay and multi-syllable flows?

Kool G Rap: Yeah, it's all about being as creative as you can be. When it comes to multi-syllabic lyrics, wordplay and just being witty, I aim to be a true lyricist and a true MC. You always want to push the envelope with everything, not just the lyrics you say, but also the flow. It's important to sometimes add humour to it to make people laugh - not like a comedian bombarding people with joke after joke, but to make listeners relate to your music like people in real life just having a conversation. Also, it's key that your character shines through in your music, whilst keeping it all natural. Relating a level of naturalness and comfort to the audience in turn makes the listener comfortable.

TSH: Do you remember how you chose your direction for the track 'Mobsta's'?

Kool G Rap: Ah man, that was a real fun and exciting song to write. The time that I wrote this song was the epitome of gangster movies. It was inspired by classics like Goodfellas and The Untouchables, as well as other epic gangster and Mafioso movies. This is what culture was all about at that time, so writing the song was me living at the time when these movies were coming out and me putting it together in a creative and lyrical form. I didn't have the whole story mapped out before writing it or anything like that, it was just a case of thinking of one line and then the next line would come to me. I started to create this crazy story of the whole underworld and I was incorporating myself into it and visualising myself in the midst of all these legendary Mafioso and gangster names. It was like I lived in their world!

TSH: What sort of intentions do you draw on to pen a track like 'The Streets'?

Kool G Rap: At the time of doing this track, I was still very much around street activity and the track was sort of a mirror reflection of some the things that were going on. I wouldn't say this was the case necessarily word for word, but it boiled down to shit that was happening: drugs, violence, sex, money and murder. It was all about being subjected to a lifestyle with these types of factors in mind.

TSH: What resonates with you most about the hip-hop era when you were coming up?

Kool G Rap: During this era, there was a real shift, so I'd say it was an era of transition. Hip-hop in its beginning stages had the simple rhymes. To keep the party going and get people into party mode, it was all about crowd participation, which was a big part of what early MCing was all about. Now MCs focus on live participation only at live shows and not like on records like before. Myself, Rakim, KRS and Kane all learnt about getting a crowd hyped from those before us.

TSH: What are your views on hip-hop having so many sub-genres nowadays?

Kool G Rap: I think this is something that happens with a genre of music when it becomes so big and influential. You start getting people of different vibrations that love hip-hop but they put their own spin on things. I mean hip-hop is so big; it's going attract people from all walks of society, whether it's the hustlers and street cats or dudes that go to the library and have a thirst for knowledge by studying history. People are active with hip-hop in different ways so it's inevitable that different forms of hip-hop will splinter out of the genre itself. The same thing happened to rock. At first it was rock music and from that you got punk, death metal, heavy metal and so many other sub-genres. All in all, I feel all types of rap are good because they contribute to the genre overall.

TSH: Is the element of surprise something you're always looking to include within your music?

Kool G Rap: That's the challenge. I face new things daily and it's all about always coming up with a unique approach. It doesn't even have to be an off the wall, abstract or crazy approach, but it's all about how you're going to get the message across with a different dash of seasoning or a different flavour. I always aim for an angle that I've never done before with my work. Subject matter can be key with this too. For instance, Nas is one artist that has come up with a unique approach. On the track 'I Gave You Power', he's rapping as though he's a gun. He's always had new and innovative approaches that blows people away. Just like Nas, I always aspire to mix things up and come up with an original product.

TSH: Simplicity always creates hits, but you'll always gravitate towards something complex…

Kool G Rap: Absolutely. The majority of people are not complex; the IQ level of people in general statistically shows this. Most people gravitate towards simplicity more. Most people are followers not leaders. A lot of listeners like catchy hooks and don't tend to break down a track from a creative and skilled standpoint. The majority of females especially just want to dance, they want feel-good music, to dance and have a good time, which is cool. The females are not really into lyrics, unless it's a love song. You have to make party records to please the masses and that's never been me, therefore my female fan base won't be very large, ha! But this is who I am. I'm a cat not based on simplicity. I'm more of complex person that thinks about things a little more deeply, even from a young age. I never look at just the surface, I always dig deeper.

TSH: Is it odd to see many artists entering the game not for the love of the music but for other types of passion?

Kool G Rap: Absolutely. I mean there's nothing wrong with doing something that you love, or following someone whose music you like, or even being into a genre that's impacted you - we all started this way. However, when it comes to a point where people want to do music just because they want mansions and Bentleys, it effects the music you make and not in a positive way. Being an artist for frivolous and materialistic reasons means it's not truly coming from the soul. To me, music has to come from the soul.

TSH: What other sort of avenues are you looking to venture into?

Kool G Rap: My current key exploration is in the film department. I did everything I need to do audio wise and now it's all about putting visuals to the things that go on in this head of mine. Instead of painting a picture and being cinematic with my words or lyrics, I'm going to just give it to em' direct with the visuals. Now is the right time to do it, especially knowing that there are so many platforms to get it out there. I want to stimulate both senses - hearing and sight.

TSH: Do you feel you've developed a certain type of wisdom as you've progressed with your musical career?

Kool G Rap: I think anybody that's been doing this as long as I have is going to have experienced so many life changes. It's been decades and my personal life is always maturing. I don't have the perspective of an 18 year old no more. You get older and you inherit family, you have kids and you become responsible for people in life that depend on you. My life is just as normal as anyone else's - there are ups and downs. Life isn't always a party and full of jokes and smiles - it can be very real and serious. I guess there are days when I'm not spiritually motivated and days when I'm not emotionally motivated. Still though, you've got to always produce regardless of whatever experiences you go through. This is the career I chose and it's a part of my whole make up to keep making music. I want to embrace what's ahead because the challenge never stops.

TSH: With your legacy already secured, how would you like to be remembered?

Kool G Rap: I want to not only be remembered as one of hip-hop’s most valuable lyricists and artists, but as a person that thinks outside of the barriers of music. I always like to keep learning via absorbing as much information as possible, you never stop learning and knowledge is infinite. I want to be known as someone who is very human and not just as a dude who came from and was a part of the streets. You know, I care deeply about the condition of the world that we live in. Righteousness, equality and justice are just as much a part of my character. You can associate many characteristics with G Rap; I'll always be more than just a rapper.

Kool G Rap Ft Nas - “Fast Life”

RETURN OF THE DON

[theseventhhex]

Amplifier Interview

Amplifier

Amplifier are back with their sixth and most definitive album to date, ‘Trippin’ With Dr Faustus’. Much of the sound of the album is owed to the chance acquisition and the ensuing slow, tedious and loving rebuild of an old 2” Otari Tape Machine, which had been left to the band in a bequeathment following the untimely death of an old and much missed colleague. This retro piece of gear lead to a new and more intricate studio-based focus on the record – compared to the previous approach to ‘Mystoria’. Exploring the Faustian coincidences of power, success, fame and money, the latest release blurs fact with fiction, reality with fantasy. It’s a diverse sonic landscape where human civilisation begins to take on the appearance of a synthesis between David LaChapelle and Hieronymus Bosch. Greed, Ego, Dominance, Fear and Seduction suddenly becoming the defining trends of the 21st Century… We talk to Sel Balamir about the band dynamic, gaining wisdom and future plans…

TSH: Talk us through the most notable shift in instrumentation as you were fleshing out 'Trippin' With Dr. Faustus'?

Sel: One of the big changes was that we got a tape machine and I can't stress how important this was. Obviously when you start working on tape, you are immediately limited by the amount of information that you can put on it, but this way of working still gave us a renewed sense of energy. We had to imply this new style and it introduced a period of meditation as we were making the record. The tape machine made a massive difference, whereas before it was like being in the machine - forming track by track and there wasn't much scope for reflection. To me, reflection is really important in art.

TSH: This approach certainly took longer?

Sel: Yeah, and we had no choice but to embrace it, ha! The record we did before, we recorded very quickly, I believe we did it in about three days, simply because we spent a long time rehearsing. The main thing for me this time around was that the whole process felt so rewarding.

TSH: What do you feel informed the topics you chose to cover?

Sel: I guess everything going on in the world inevitably makes it into one's work - whether you realise this or not. I think it's the same for any artist - all you're doing is vomiting up your experiences really.

TSH: Do you feel the band's creative partnership is so solid because you're immersed in an art form that liberates you so much?

Sel: Yeah, that's exactly what it is. We've been doing this for so long that we've kind of transcended any problems or challenges that we may have previously encountered. We've all got families now and we focus a lot on other dependencies and responsibilities, which takes away a lot of heat off of the band, especially with expectations. We don't feel pressured in terms of what we need to get out of this band at all. Being in a band and making music nowadays means that we don't have to look for it to be a success; it already is a success in our eyes. To be going for nearly 20 years is an achievement that will always please me and we're still here. This is a lifestyle that we embrace and the time I spend with the guys is like being with your family.

TSH: What resonates with you most with regards to a track like 'Kosmos'?

Sel: That was one of the last songs we did. When you get to the end of making a record it becomes quite obvious that there might be some holes and you can kind of sense with the dynamic around you what the missing pieces should be. Knowing that we had to fill the missing pieces for this track meant that the song was very easy to write. 'Kosmos' is one of my favourite songs on the record because it's so focused.

TSH: Was 'Rainbow Machine' one of the earlier compositions?

Sel: Yeah, it was. This song was very much displaying our exploratory nature. It was the right choice as album opener because it goes to a lot of places and is quite playful. To me this song sounds like going out of the house and not knowing what you're going to do - very much like an adventure.

TSH: Do you gravitate more towards non-musical influences?

Sel: Yeah, personally, most of my influences aren't to do with music at all. I don't really have a specific art-form that I find most influential. You know, my dad said to me that there is nothing more boring than an artist, writer or musician talking about what they do, and he's right. I try not to dwell on my music too much, because let's face it, there are only a small number of people that would find it interesting, what's much more interesting is shared experiences with music and points of reference, and that's what my main inspiration is. The times I spend with my family or feelings to do with experiencing life are what matter to me. You don't make music as the end product, well I don't anyway. For me, making music is like an illness - I can't stop it, but I would love to stop it and do something more profitable, haha!

TSH: Have you developed a certain type of wisdom progressing in the music industry?

Sel: I think so. I mean I would say at the core we haven't changed one jot from when we were kids and that's great. We're lucky enough that people buy our records, also that we work with people who are reliable and that we can afford to pay for PR. Even if no one purchased our music or listened to our music, we would still make music, it would make no difference. So that's the one wisdom - to basically not give a shit. Pleasing yourself is the only thing that is important and you have to believe that. It's like that bit in The Simpsons when Homer makes a spice rack and it's a disaster, but he is really pleased with it, and that's how you should be with yourself - I completely relate to that. If you subscribe to being genuine, you will have progressed and feel more fulfilled. At the end of the day, the race is only with yourself.

TSH: With your birthday falling on New Year's Day, is the date commonly more festive and blissful than normal?

Sel: You would think that, but even though it's on such a festive day, I show no interest, haha! I generally just do nothing and I drive my family wild this attitude, ha! They try to make it more pleasant, but I just spent the day by myself. I live by the seaside, so I quietly just go for a swim in the sea!

TSH: Are you still searching for 'the truth' by looking into various online speakers?

Sel: I used to be into truth-seekers and people that go against the system, but honestly, as I've gotten older, I kind of understand that there isn't really any such thing as the truth. It's your own personal truth that matters - that's what wisdom is. The sea and rock music is my therapy.

TSH: What's the ethos for future Amplifier plans?

Sel: You know, I don't really have any big plans. Yeah, we'll make more records, that's a given because this is what we do. What I will say is that each record that we make will be born out of the circumstances that surround it and each record will have its own individual flavour that crystallises what those circumstances are.

Amplifier - “Kosmos”

Trippin' with Dr Faustus