#I got to meet some new people and experience being in a queer space for the first time in my life and it was so exciting

[babygirlwolverine]

the universe works in mysterious ways…

[bengiyo]

Hi, i'm a newish bl drama watcher from thailand that just started watching thai bls. i'm a bit ashamed to say that for a long time as a gay man living here i've been avoiding bl shows like the plague cuz of both the fandom reputation and of misconception from my yaoi era which i leave far behind. i'm just want to ask how did you got into watching thai bls and what were you preconception before you got into it.

Welcome to the Tumblr side of BL fandom. I'd actually like to also hear more of your experience with yaoi and BL as a gay person growing up in Thailand if you're willing to share.

For me, I'm a Black American from the Gulf Coast (the South). I grew up in a Catholic city and spent my entire adolescence in the closet. Despite having a sense of who I was as early as 8 years old, I kept most of that to myself. Because I didn't talk about it much with people, I found out most information about queer media and queerness from the internet.

I entered BL via queer cinema. I think the first explicitly gay character that I remember from TV was Marco from Degrassi: The Next Generation. There were probably others, and definitely more subtle expressions, but when I think about the oldest gay character I remember and connect to, it's Marco. I don't like counting things like shipping Shawn and Corey on Boy Meets World or Tai and Matt on Digimon for oldest gay characters. Sailor Moon can't even count because we got a censored version of it in America.

I got access to satellite television away from observing eyes around age 16 and started watching content on Logo back when they aired gay content regularly. I watched basically whatever I could late at night. It's how I saw movies like Get Real (1998), Beautiful Thing (1996), and Bent (1997). It's also how I saw Queer as Folk (2000-2005) Noah's Arc (2005-06).

After hitting adulthood I mostly got lost in video games and standard American TV for a while, but I did basically show up to any Gay Event in TV. I appreciate that Stef and Lena from The Fosters (2013-2018) were some of the only TV lesbians to survive the horror of 2016.

I watched a bunch of movies in this time, many of which appear on the Queer Cinema Syllabus I made for a hypothetical Westerner new to BL and queer cinema, which @wen-kexing-apologist has decided to try to complete.

I got into Thai BL in 2018 accidentally. I started seeing gifsets of Kongpob telling Arthit he'll make him his wife passing around Tumblr and was basically like, "Right, what's all this then?"

I had watched a few Thai gay films, mostly notably Love of Siam (2007), Bangkok Love Story (2007), How to Win at Checkers Every Time (2015), and The Blue Hour (2015), but this was the first time I was seeing a long series made available so easily from any Asian country.

From there I got into Make It Right (2016-17) and Love Sick the series (2014). Once I realized that yaoi had moved beyond manga and a few anime adaptations, I went looking for a lot more. I basically haven't left since I started in about 2016 with SOTUS.

There's my basic entry into the genre. I don't think I was as worried about fandom and worries at the time because so much of being a fan of queer cinema was a mostly-private experience for me for so long. I didn't realize that BL fans active in the space would predominantly be women or queers figuring themselves out. It took a while to adjust to that, and also to adjust my expectations of the kinds of queer stories BL distributors were willing to fund.

That being said, I tend to agree with @absolutebl that BL has a useful role in normalization for non-queer audiences who encounter it. I like cheering BL when it does things I think work really well, and also deriding it when I think it does things that are offensive to help nudge the genre and offer my perspective as a gay man.

I like the place we're at right now where there's way too much to watch for any person with other hobbies and responsibilities because it means that people can pick and choose what's to their tastes.

More often than not, I'm probably most-invested in something airing from Japan because of my melancholy nature, but there's so much variety these days that it's okay if you don't like everything. I certainly don't!

I'm glad you joined us on Tumblr and look forward to your thoughts!

[smalltownrobin]

I think the best way for rovickie to be set up for s5, considering the YEAR AND A HALF TIME SKIP, would be if Vickie has been away at college.

(this is so long I'm sorry)

Obviously, where they were left at the end of s4 was very vague but also very telling, my assumption is that Vickie still needs to figure out and come to terms with her sexuality, then the two need to tell each other their feelings, but both seem to be AWARE there is something between them. Going straight from that to a year and a half later would make their story jankier than it already is, a lot of people (including myself) have thought there's a chance they're already together and we're just totally skipping over all the good ship stuff, or they would have been doing this subtle friends but gay and eyeing each other thing for over a year. Neither is a good option storytelling wise.

However, with the way things are between them by the end of s4, I think a great way to sort of keep it in that place, progress it slightly, AND give a natural explanation as for what's been happening between them during the time skip, is for them to basically not have seen each other the whole time, hence Vickie going off to college.

I can see it like their friendship got somewhat closer after their conversation at the relief centre, and they continued on that trajectory until graduation (since the education system seems to stay up and running despite gaping gates to an alternate dimension splitting the town in half), where Vickie did the typical thing and went to college, while Robin, most probably not able to afford it and wanting to stay and help with the upside down stuff, stayed in Hawkins.

While Vickie is at college, it's entirely possible that she had the time and space to figure out her sexuality (not so much "experimenting" in the derogatory sense, just being in a more open environment and meeting new people not from a small red state town), whether she entirely accepts herself or simply becomes more open to the possibility of being queer, I think either works. Of course, she would also have her lingering feelings for Robin to deal with, which would most likely be the main factor in her even considering the possibility of liking girls.

Another crucial detail is that Vickie appears to be a candy striper volunteer at Hawkins memorial hospital, along with Nancy (not technically confirmed, but we've seen Vickie at the hospital both weeks they were filming there, and someone who looked an awful lot like her stunt double in the uniform, plus my own Vickie intuition that's totally what she'd do). Since it's a year and a half break, unless Hawkins is under a strict quarantine (there seems to be something enforced but quarantine I'm ignoring for the sake of this idea), Vickie would of course be able to come home for holidays, where she'd most likely choose to spend her time away from college volunteering (this being the girl that ignored her bf to spend spring break at the relief centre, remember) (I'm doing too many brackets aren't I, my apologies). She could have some kind of workplace friendship with Nancy because of this, which doesn't add much to anything, I just like the idea of them being friends cos they'd get along spectacularly, but anyway, this would work for s5 which seems to be set around thanksgiving 1987, so of course Vickie would be home for the holiday, doing her volunteering, and that's how she ends up involved this season.

I think something that could be cute here is if Vickie comes back to Hawkins every so often (christmas, thanksgiving, spring break, summer, etc.), and every single time she wants to call Robin, or go to her house, and hang out with her, but every single time she never quite has the guts to. If she's been away thinking about the way she feels about this girl, realising that she may actually be queer, then as much as she likes talking to someone who gets her and is like her, that could just about hold her back from willing herself to see her again.

Now, ROBIN'S SIDE OF THINGS. Obviously, girlie would be staying in Hawkins doing... whatever, idk, her and Steve don't seem to be employed anymore, maybe they've just been chilling looking for Vecna, but from Robin's perspective, when Vickie left for college, she left for good. Hawkins is a fucked up and dangerous place, she wouldn't have thought there'd be any reason for her to come back, and even if she did, she wouldn't want to meet up with Robin. So, Robin's probably spent a year and a half trying to not think about her or what they could have been, because Vickie's safer away from this place, and doesn't need her.

AND SO... when Robin goes to the hospital early in the season (for a reason I still don't know), it could be where her and Vickie run into each other, see each other for the first time in a year and a half, and all of that is behind that moment. It keeps them somewhat in the place they were left at the end of s4, but it has even more weight to it, and it accounts for the time that's passed.

From here I could get into how I think they talk at the hospital and arrange to meet up (hence why Robin's done her hair all cute with that bow), and then they don't for whatever reason and bla bla bla, but then I'd just be spewing s5 theories and it's 2am I don't have the energy for that. This was just what I wanted to share, and it took me way too many paragraphs to do so, but there you go.

TL;DR: s5 would be cool if Vickie figured out her sexuality at college and popped back into town occasionally to volunteer at the hospital and Robin thought she left for good and is glad she's safe while sad thinking what they could have been, they don't see each other during the year and a half time skip until they run into each other at the hospital (during thanksgiving break) and from there that's how Vickie gets involved with the upside down.

[astrangetorpedo]

Phoebe Bridgers. Julien Baker. Lucy Dacus. What happens when three of the most talented solo singer-songwriters of a generation get together? You get something disarmingly funny, haunting, queer, something sui generis. Plus the best love song playlist ever. Meet The Band— a.k.a. boygenius.

From left: CHOPOVA LOWENA fringe denim jacket. PAOLINA RUSSO bodice mini dress and knit top. CHOPOVA LOWENA zip cardigan and fuzzy skirt; FALKE tights.

Nicolaia Rips: How are you guys? You’re all individually at home hanging?

Lucy Dacus: Phoebe and I both just got back from, what, five weeks of being away or more. I’m jet-lagged. I was sleepy at 7 p.m. and I had a friend come over and kind of push me until 10 p.m. so I wouldn’t fall asleep while the sun was out.

Nicolaia Rips: How’s tour?

Lucy Dacus: The tour, like, all of it has been awesome. Our next show is Boston. Right? Or is it New Haven? I don’t know. (Julien pops into the zoom, just the tip of her baseball hat as she slowly emerges into frame.)

Julien Baker: My phone died and then I just...Hi, I’m here now.

Nicolaia Rips: If boygenius was a family who’s the middle child, who’s the eldest?

Phoebe Bridgers: Am I the youngest?

LD: No!

JB: No. You’re not youngest! I’m youngest.

LD: Julien’s youngest.

PB: You also are literally the youngest.

LD: Is it boring to say that it’s just how the ages are? Me and Phoebe are both older sisters to younger brothers and Julian is an only child. I think you’re big sis Phoebe. Big brother. Big sis was weird.

PB: My brother calls me sis to give me the ick. He’s like, I love how they do it on TV. They’re always like, “what’s up, sis?” Who the fuck calls their sister that?

NR: The film [directed by Kristen Stewart]. The record. Can you talk about the finality of “The.” What other “The” would you want to do in the future?

LD: The amusement park, uh, the strip club...

JB: The musical!

PB: It’s cool because we wouldn’t do that in our solo work. I think it just highlights the specialness of the time. Like we’re setting out to make the boygenius things right now.

LD: It’s also acknowledging a bit of hype, which is fun because we’re members of the boygenius fandom ourselves. So, people asking for the record, we’re able to give them the record.

NR: What makes something a boygenius song versus a solo?

LD: At least for me, context changes what I write about, and how I write. So, we just decided to be each other’s context for a couple years. It’s not some big secret, we chose to do this, to devote space and time.

NR: Your music feels so vulnerable yet there’s always this play. How do you feel your senses of humor factor into your work?

PB: It’s silly. We kind of enable each other. I feel like there have been several times where I’m like, am I allowed to write this? And the boys were like, yeah, obviously.

NR: What’s on the essential boygenius book list? The Book Club?

LD: Myth of Sisyphus.

PB: Stop!

LD: What are books that we’ve all read? Like Carmen Maria Machado, both of her books. The Sympathizer, we all loved. Letters to a Young Poet.

JB: I’ve heard y’all reference a lot and it’s nice to feel like ideas, instead of slipping into like a landfill or whatever, get recycled to me. I don’t know, I just like hearing y’all talk about books that I haven’t read too.

PB: That’s my main experience. I’m always the one that did not read the thing. I read way more because of this band which is so tight.

JB: I feel like you’re always reading essays on some lane of art and I’m just like, dang, all I read was a graphic novel and Sartre again.

LD: Sartre again. Y’all have podcasts. I’m completely out for the podcast conversation.

JB: Phoebe got me into podcasts. I used to just be like, it’s not radio, I don’t understand it. All the podcasts I listen to are just things [Phoebe] told me to listen to —99 PI, Hidden Brain.

PB: I do not have the strength to have thoughts when I’m doing things.

NR: I was listening to My Favorite Murder a while ago and was like, wait a second. Is that Phoebe Bridgers??

PB: I felt so nervous. I think that’s the last time I had actual stage fright.

LD: Is that the one where you say, “yeah, me and my friend Lucy kissed” and then everyone freaked out?

PB: Now, no one could possibly get freaked out by us kissing. It’s just part of it. “I went to a Boygenius show and Julien and Phoebe or Lucy and Phoebe kissed.”

JB: There’s a picture of me and Lucy and my mom asked if it was the guitarist from Muna because I think she saw one picture of me and Joe [Maskin] kissing and thinks we’re dating. Mom, you’re on Twitter? Like she’s following me? I felt love.

From left: S.S. Daley monogram tailored jacket. JEAN PAUL GAULTIER vintage top courtesy of Haut Archive. SIMONE ROCHA cotton stripe pointed collar shirt; JOHN LAWRENCE SULLIVAN wool stripe jacket.

NR: Who are your favorite unsung girl geniuses of history?

LD: Nick Drake’s mom, Molly Drake. She is an incredible poet and songwriter and pianist. They re-released a collection of her works recently. You can hear how Nick Drake was obviously inspired by her as her kid.

PB: Emily Bronte’s brother.

LD: We went to the Bronte mansion. Mansion. I just mixed up the Biltmore Mansion and the Bronte house because we also...

PB: We love to go to old places that people lived in.

LD: It’s like we’re trying to get haunted. We all showed up upset to the Bronte Museum and then in the first room they were like, “here’s the couch where Emily Bronte died of tuberculosis at age 30.” Now

whenever we’re all upset and it’s hard to get out of, we call it Brontitis. Emily and Anne had a brother named Branwell. Branwell Bronte who was a great artist. But he was underappreciated and wished he could be more like his sisters. (Phoebe has been roaming her house for the entire interview, white blonde hair streaming behind her, angles the camera down at a pug sitting alone on a large baroque couch.)

PB: Maxine Bridgers.

LD: I think Maxine’s pretty sung. She’s not unsung at all.

JB: Maxine’s sung.

NR: What were you about to say?

JB: Hilma af Klint. But obviously things come in tides of awareness. Something that’s unsung to me doesn’t necessarily mean it’s unsung in fine visual art.

PB: She was unsung in her life.

JB: But that was a choice, right? She was like, don’t publish anything or show my work until fifty years after my death.

PB: So sick.

NR: Going back to this haunting thing. Have you ever been haunted?

LD: We’ve been talking about this. Unclear.

JB: I was haunted! I was haunted!

LD: Julien was haunted.

JB: I was haunted. It was...demon. I don’t think it was a ghost.

LD: I have witnessed haunting but personally, I’m a clean vessel.

JB: What the fuck. This [interview] is so...

PB: My dating life in my early fucking twenties for sure was haunted.

LD: Are we just calling abuse haunting now? Ok. Well, I was haunted when I was in my early twenties too. (They all laugh.)

PB: Born haunted, dude,

JB: Born haunted just took me by surprise.

LD: That’s generational trauma babe.

JB: I had an apartment with bad vibes.

LD: Julien had an apartment where someone was murdered and rolled up in a carpet and put in a closet.

PB: Wait, was that the apartment that I was in? Yo? OK. UM. (Immediate chattering over each other.)

LD: How have we not talked about this? Julien recently said that she was told [about the murder] upon moving in and was like, bet, I’ll just be here.

PB: That does not surprise me.

LD: And then all that shit went down and you didn’t move. I can’t believe it.

JB: Let me tell you how metaphorical this shit was. Basically, they [realtors] just painted some stuff a hip color of green and put a pool in and doubled the rent. And I was like, okay, I’ll mime being an adult and pay way too much money for this apartment in the right part of town, to be the right kind of person, with all my cool East Nashville friends or whatever. And it was just full of murder and history. I did not have a good time there and I was all alone. That place had bad vibes. Top to bottom.

LD: Bad vibes is the most, like, inane way you could say what was happening in that apartment.

From left: CHOPOVA LOWENA dress. RAVE REVIEW fleece jacket; stylist's own BURBERRY vintage pants. SIMONE ROCHA nylon single breasted car coat; GUCCI shirt.

JB: Before I’d only ever lived in houses like on a yoga mat or with five other people who were in six different bands. Moving there and being like, nice a dishwasher, and it was this spot where somebody had been like, “I think there’s a murder” and the cops came and were like, no murder here. But there was! He was just rolled up in a carpet, and then the cops came back because of the smell and then they were like, oh, there was a murder. Anyway, that’s where I lived.

LD: You got way more info than you bargained for with that question.

NR: I don’t know how to transition here, wow. Do you feel like you’re optimists or pessimists?

LD: I’m an optimist.

NR: Didn’t sound very convincing.

LD: I’m the devil’s advocate for the best-case scenario. I don’t think it’s gonna be like that, but I might as well petition for it.

JB: I would like to say I am a present tense pessimist and a future optimist. I’m like, let’s not make light of how much it sucks right now. It does not help the situation to say, “it could always be worse” or to say, “it’s not that bad.” I’m an optimist when I’m with you guys. Like, this is a pretty sick day we’re living,

LD: Our whole Europe tour was awesome. And then we all had one terrible day.

PB: That is so true. I was like, this day isn’t hell, this is actually my usual self on tour. We had one day like that in our whole time together this year. (Phoebe cleans the crust out of her dog’s nose.)

NR: Are you cleaning your dog’s nose?

PB: She’s been with her grandma and her nose fold is so full of crust. I can’t believe it.

LD: I love her. I want her to come sneeze on me.

(Now Julien shows her dog who’s “camera shy.” Lucy sings, “I love you” to both dogs.)

NR: What’s your ultimate love song?

LD: I have a lot of answers. I Went To The Store One Day by Father John Misty. I think that’s a great song. There’s a compilation of love songs of Nina Simone. A lot of perfect love songs on that.

PB: For You by Laura Marling is a great song.

JB: I’m trying to think of an answer that isn’t Options by Pedro the Lion.

PB: That’s not a love song, dude.

LD: We’re not accepting that answer anymore.

JB: That’s 100% a love song.

LD: Don’t say that. I have a playlist called “Perfect Love Song”. Who Knows Where The Time Goes by Nina Simone. I Need Your Love So Bad by Irma Thomas. Dance Song by Dijon. P.S. I Love You by Billie Holiday. I Love You Always Forever, Donna Lewis. Bless the Telephone, Serpentwithfeet does a great cover.

From top: S.S. DALEY monogram tailored jacket and pleated skirt. JEAN PAUL GAULTIER vintage top courtesy of Haut Archive. SIMONE ROCHA cotton stripe pointed collar shirt; JOHN LAWRENCE SULLIVAN wool stripe jacket.

NR: Are you specific with playlist names?

LD: No, I’ll make the playlist name and then I’ll wait for the songs.

PB: I agree and then I’m curating forever.

LD: Never finished, always growing. It’s more of a catalog or an archive than a playlist that I would send to somebody. It’s a research tool.

JB: I have a playlist called “Queerly Specific” that’s all about coming out from a place of being in love. All songs about that. Casimir Pulaski Day by Sufjan Stevens. The one where he kisses his friend.

PB: My mom banned it from the house. She was like do not play the cancer song ever again.

LD: Reservations by Wilco. Modern Romance by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

JB: Hast Thou Considered the Tetrapod by The Mountain Goats. Do you know that tune?

PB: No.

JB: Oh, ok. It’s a good one. They have a lot of good love songs because they’re like little vignettes of like living with a person and all the little intricate weirdo shit they do, which is what I ultimately think comprises a lot of love. Just checking out somebody’s weirdo shit.

(As we sign off, Phoebe nods, “Bye, Boys.”)

Makeup Tabitha Thomas / Hair Linnéa Nordberg / Set Design Julia Dias / Casting Greg Krelenstein / Production CEBE Studi

11/3/23

(x)(x)(x)

[duckies27]

I present a new chaos AU in my brain

GROTHE X DUNGEONS AND DADDIES C1

The basic idea is basically, at some point, the Grothe folk get magically transported to California to join the Dads! Because I'm not fully caught up with C1, the timeline kinda makes no sense, but it's general enough right now it's okay

Don't judge, this is a mess of ideas

MINOR DUNGEONS AND DADDIES SPOILERS AHEAD

MAJOR GROTHE SPOILERS AHEAD (READ AT YOUR OWN RISK)

Ellga would be very close to the Oak family, mainly bonding with the twins for their heavy chaos vibes. She would become the goalie on the Doodler's team and take up a lot of "girly" classes within middle school. She lives with Chip as his daughter.

Mathide is basically the same as pre-campain, just as a human and alive. They work within a bakery as second in command and often greet the dads in the morning when they stop by before work/school. They have a soft spot for Grant because he's a little baby queer that needs guidance, and they go to a GSA group together! They live alone, but in the same apartment complex as Barney. I also made them afab because I literally have no irl experience with amab people and I don't want to misrepresent!

Chip is a very stressed single father who's doing his best. He basically got adopted into the main circle by Henry and now he's doing his best to give Ellga a decently normal life. He works alongside with Ron in whatever business he does, and often works from home to be home for Ellga. Barney and Mathide are sometimes on babysitting duty while he goes on business trips or if he has long meetings

Carol is dead still, he bonds with Glen over it, but he really struggles being around Darryl at times. Because, y'know, same name can bring up memories.

Barney (who I didn't have space for on the page) works as a carpenter! He's just that hard working grandpa figure in Ellga's life who does his best to come to soccer games and school shows. He lives alone, in the same complex as Mathide, and gets along really well with Ron. However, Glen and him also bond over loss, and the two of them would knit together

Yes Glen 100% knits

[adamoonchild]

Serenity in rope☺️🧠😶‍🌫️✨

Here’s one more picture from my second modeling gig where I got tied up good and received lovely attention from the very skilled instructor Red Lily.😁

I really love how easy it is for me to turn of my ADHD mind and just float in serenity when I’m in ropes, and after being teased and bullied so lovely and feeling so safe in my ropes floating in a space of sensation and no thoughts is quite a bliss 🙈😁💜

If you want the chance to see Red Lilly’s artistic skills in action, I can recommend checking out shibari performances night this Sunday (09 jun 2024 kl. 18:30 - 23:00) here she will together with 3 other queer artists show us 4 different takes on what shibari means to them, and how that will change the expression of the rope session. All of this is seen through the filter of the lived experience of being queer.

If you are interested in meeting other queer people and try out some rope fun together, Red Lilly is also hosting an event already this Wednesday (05 jun 2024 kl. 19:00 - 22:00) called Queer knots

And lastly I definitely also recommend you visit this link,https://linktr.ee/red_lily or her personal website https://www.redlily.dk

This is not a commercial, I earn nothing from this. 

My mission is to spread the knowledge of these amazing queer experiences and the community that is forming a basis behind this, and I thank everyone in the queer kink community growing in Copenhagen for taking so many initiatives to create all of these opportunities. And especially events like the two mentioned above, here I always feel safe and accepted. And most importantly the prices are very low to help more of us not so wealthy queers also have access to experiences like these which would cost 20 to 50 times more when looking for other shibari events hosted other places😮

I hope to be back soon with hopefully more pictures with me in the ropes😆

Hugs Ada💜

[tehnakki]

I just wanted to thank you for posting that selfie. I’ve been nervous about my career prospects since I’m going into engineering and dress a lot more eccentric (for lack of a better term) than like 90% of the people in my classes. It’s nice to see that someone who dresses fun and colorful doesn’t have to tone it down to do a major presentation (and to NASA at that, holy fuck)

Awwww, don't be nervous! Wanna know a ridiculous thing that happened to me as a intern/new hire?

So I worked in a human testing lab at university, and usually would run tests whenever I could get human subjects, so sometimes that was the middle of the night because college students. So I got pretty comfortable wandering about campus in my pajamas.

So I was napping in the human centrifuge between tests (like you do), when the light suddenly turned on and there was a whole horde of people in suits and polo shirts gathered around me.

My professor had forgotten to tell me that NASA Johnson was visiting for the day to see our progress.

I ended up having to give a presentation on the lab and then demonstrate the test campaign (with no bra to hold my giant bazangas). Also, my hair was pink at the time.

Fast forward 8 months and I'm working in the NASA Johnson Exercise Lab on an extension of the project I was on and on my first day multiple people said hi and called me "pajama intern", people who I am SURE were not at the lab test. That ended up being my nickname until their was a classic Houston downpour and I got soaked on my way to building 6 to give a presentation to a different team (I truly am cursed when it comes to presentations). So I stopped in the locker room and tossed all my clothes in a dryer, and sat around in a towel for a bit, but the dryer was taking forever. So I grabbed a lab coat, put it on OVER the towel (to try to disguise that I was just wearing a towel??? I still don't know what I thought would happen). And headed to the conference room.

Where I pretended to be completely oblivious to the fact that everyone was dying of laughter as I got setup and gave a very good presentation on lunar regolith.

Then I was "Labcoat [First Name]" till I left to go to industry, where I immediately died my hair blue and started wearing a Lemur onesie to the office everyday.

Anyways, for as shallow as most people are, I've found that it takes very little time for me to establish my credibility regardless of what I'm wearing. And the people who don't treat my experience and skills with respect were never going to anyways, regardless of what I was wearing. I'm a nonbinary black queer person in an industry still dominated by cis white men. If they are going to hate me for things I can't change, I may as well ignore all social mores and conventions and just have a good time being the most "myself" I can be.

And by being "myself" and not trying to mask all the time, I free up so much of my brain from anxiety about meeting some arbitrary requirements and tend to make better connections with people. So I end up with really good friendships with people who never interact with queer weirdos like me but find me fascinating. Like my buddy, a high ranking officer in The Space Force (LOL) who sends me the stupidest emoji text messages every time I snicker in a call with them. And loves that I mock the military usage of "sir/ma'aming" every sentence by calling people 20years older than me "my bud".

I have no idea where I was going with this.... But fuck the haters, have fun with your life. YOLO!

[charmingpplincardigans]

IT IS TIME...to make an old-fashioned embarrassing text post like those days of yore before my old therapist started doing CBT.

So, I started an OK Cupid account. It’s kind of a big step, and also something I’ve been joking about for more than a year. Just any time something funny or self-deprecating (or vaguely dirty) came up I’d be like ‘putting that on the OKC profile!’ In the end my OKC profile is pretty tame. Maybe too tame really. I should probably rewrite my bio so I sound nerdier and more romantic or something.

ANYWAY. The point is, it’s scary, knowing that in order to be loved you must submit to the ordeal of being known or whatever, but I took a tiny step which feels like a huge step after ten eleven years of singlehood and touch starvedness. Now I just need someone to message me so I can take another small terrifying step and meet them. And so on and so on. It’s just fear all the way down with me when it comes to intimacy. IT’S FINE. I EMAILED A POSSIBLE THERAPIST THIS EVENING.

Last weekend I met with a friend who just graduated library school and talked to her about how to find a job and such. It was cathartic, and also heartening. I really do have a lot of practical skills from the work I’ve been doing for fifteen years now. She said I have experience with things they didn’t even really learn in grad school, that she’s had to learn on the job. That makes me feel a little better. I still worry about how glutted the librarian market is up here, but there really are a ton of library jobs to apply for in all different industries, so I’ll probably find something that will pay me enough and not murder me eventually.

(My Indeed email today had a listing for a Digital Archivist for the MFA but the pay only went up to $49K??? THAT’S LESS THAN THE TOO LITTLE I’M MAKING NOW. God I’d love to work at the MFA though. CAN YOU IMAGINE? Do I just apply anyway and then be like, just kidding, I want $70K, thanks.)

I’ve also been using they/them pronouns at work with select people. Mostly with my boss and within the Queer ERG channels. And I guess with my grand boss, who guessed it all on her own through a series of slightly hilarious events. I’m not demanding anything, and I still have they/she in my signature because I hate rocking boats and know that I’m femme a lot of the time so I know how people will see me and I don’t want to fight with everyone ever about it and yada yada. Maeve says that’s stupid. She’s probably right, but like. Maybe if I find a new therapist they can help me work through that. I’ve been taking up more space lately, but still not as much as a person probably should.

Like I said, baby steps.

Anyway, my boss saw me list myself as they/them in an ERG meeting this morning and during our one-on-one later she said she was proud of me for all of the hard, scary stuff I’ve been doing lately. (Which she knows about because we talk about work approximately half the time when we talk.) It feels silly to be proud of it all, because most people do this at like, 20, right? All of it. Being able to date, knowing who you are, knowing what kind of job you want. But because she’s a good person she reminded me that when I was 15 and 20 I wasn’t in places where it was safe to make some of these decisions, or even if it was, I didn’t have the support for them. So yeah, I’m proud of it all.

In the last twenty-five years I’ve gone from suicidal to ambivalent to apathetic to super depressed to figuring it out to figuring it out to figuring it out. I’m still figuring it out. But I have an excellent support system. I have people who love me and want to know the whole me. Want me to know the whole me. I have tools to help myself emotionally. I have hope.

I can lament over the lost time, or I can look ahead with a mind to make use of all the time I have left. I maybe got here a little bit after everyone else. I may still be working toward it, but I’m here and I’m working. I’m doing hard, scary things, and that’s what being alive is all about, right?

[nerdygaymormon]

Affirmation Conference 2023

I traveled to Provo, Utah for the 2023 edition of Affirmation’s International Conference.

————————————————————  

I arrived on Thursday and had lunch at Crown Burgers (I had a pastrami burger) with friends of mine who live in Eagle Mountain, Utah. I’ve known them for a long time, they used to live in Florida. Aaron and Sara are really wonderful. Aaron’s twin brother is gay and this has opened their eyes and they see the many issues the LDS Church has for queer people.

Sara volunteers at the Encircle House in Provo. They’d like to do more to support queer people who are/were LDS. They’d like to open their home to have regular get togethers where queer LDS people and their family & friends can gather to feel loved and supported. If you’re interested, contact me and I’ll put you in touch.

—————————  

Thursday evening was a social held at the Encircle House in Salt Lake City. I was an hour late and when I arrived, I was informed a group had come asking for David and I wasn’t there. The President of Affirmation got very concerned, wondering if there’d been a problem with my flight, was I okay, would I be on hand for the 2 sessions I’m supposed to do at the conference on Saturday. I’m very sorry to have missed those who came to meet me and I didn’t intend to make anyone worry. Sometimes things don’t go according to plans. 

I did meet @jacclo​ and really appreciate that he came and waited. I felt like we had a good conversation and that I learned more about him and his journey. Honestly, getting to meet and connect with other queer Mormons is one of the greatest things. 

My favorite room in the Salt Lake City Encircle House is the music room. They have filled the wall with black & white photos of famous queer people. I find seeing all that queer greatness very moving. 

They also have a black sheep in the room, which is such a good symbol of how a lot of queer people feel their role is in their family. The Provo Encircle House also has a black sheep, I wonder if this is something they put in every one of their homes

When you walk in the house, the door swings open and you don’t see the hidden message until you’re ready to leave and open the door from the inside and see the words painted on the inside edge.

————————————————————  

Friday I spent much of the day in Board meetings and in trainings. That was a new experience for me as a new member of the Affirmation Board of Directors.

Lacey Bagley, the founder of Celebrate Therapy, is on the board and in our meeting she said something that struck me. I sometimes hear people complain that in the LDS Church it is cis gay white men who are seen and heard and who dominate the conversation. Lacey reframed this by calling them the Founding Fathers of the LDS LGBTQ space because they were able to break through the silence and bring visibility and some understanding. They were the most palatable to the wider community and thus were the ones who were listened to. AFAB women and gender nonconforming people are now having a moment and this opportunity has come thanks to the door being opened by those Founding Fathers.

—————————  

Then I went to the Provo Encircle House for a social. I met some very cool people and learned things about the house, including that it was originally home to a polygamous family. My favorite room was the meeting room on the 2nd floor. The walls feature black & white pictures of teens & young adults who came to the house during its first week of being open. Seeing the very people who are helped by this house really touched me. Plus, the window with the rainbow colors frames the Provo City Center Temple in a beautiful way.

The outside of the home is beautiful and I learned the landscaping is done so that there is always something in bloom no matter the season.

—————————

Friday concluded with dinner and the opening plenary session of the Affirmation Conference. Álvaro Mora was the speaker and the big take away from his remarks was that no one is going to die for you so don’t live your life for others, live life and live it for yourself.

———————————————————

On Saturday, the conference had 4 rounds of break out sessions. You could choose the sessions and groups that most interested you. I was in charge of 2 of the sessions. The first one was called Navigating Living Waters, and the second one was about building community for LGBTQ members in our churches. I was happy to meet @raspberryusagi when she attended one of my sessions.

In the evening Tekulvē Jackson-Vann spoke about how people often say they don’t see color, and how that feels so invalidating. It’s the same as if someone were to say they don’t see queerness, instead they see everyone as just the same. It’s a way to avoid uncomfortable conversations. If you can’t see all of me, you get a muted version of me. Can you imagine watching the Barbie move in black & white, you’d miss so much!

Tekulvē ended by asking a series of questions, for which a person of color gives mostly the same answer and white people have a different answer for each question: What color were you when you were born? What color are you when you’re hit hard? What color are you when you’re sick? What color are you when you’re cold? What color are you when you’re dead? And yet, I’m the one who is ‘colored.’

Laurie Lee Hall also spoke and the big message I took is “Live a life that leaves a mark that cannot be erased!”

—————————

Saturday night, @loveerran and I went for ice cream at Leatherby’s in Orem, Utah. Their serving sizes are generous. We met @sky-the-trans-guy00​ and had a very good conversation. I learned some more about him. He is a high-quality individual

————————————————————

On Sunday, Stacey Harkey was the keynote speaker at the plenary session and he is very entertaining. He followed his remarks by doing a Q&A in which he was open and vulnerable. 

He spoke of a dung beetle and how it is conditioned to roll dung, and will never roll a precious gem. Likewise, we are surrounded by people who have been conditioned to prize the dung, and that may cause you to wish to be dung, but you are not. Don’t be ashamed to be you. A gem is valuable because it is uncommon. 

The main points of his remarks were: Be who you are! (you have to explore & discover who you are) Live who you are! (as you come to understand yourself, start living true to you) Own who you are! (you don’t need to apologize for being you, you get to be you and be proud of who you are)

—————————

After the conference, I have extended family who hosted dinner for me and some of my friends. Being surrounded by friends and family in a space that is warm, loving and supportive was a great way to end my trip.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hello Steph!

Ace Awareness week is already over, but I'd be really happy if I could ask you something about being a-spec. I'm honestly not sure who to ask irl and I feel like I've learned a lot on your blog, that's why I'm sharing this with you. I really hope this isn't too long or personal. If it is, please ignore it and thank you for reading <3.

So, I recently found out for myself that I'm pan(-sex.&-rom.) and platoniromantic (whee, there's a word for it! and I'm not automatically a creep! whoop!) For me it means, I basically have crushes on all of my friends at all times, (but Lgbt wiki says it falls under the aromantic-umbrella) which can get a bit awkward.

Growing up as a girl with my female friends, I've been confused by how physically affectionate they were (Hugs, and hand holding; Platonically sharing the bed etc.) bc I don't think any of them were sapphic. It was just cute and sweet for them, but they didn't want more. As a consequence I've been careful not to act on those feelings and not make my friends uncomfortable or abuse their trust(hence why I thought I'm creepy); the times I hinted at taking it further, they never seemed to be interested (I mean, what are the chances they're even sapphic?) It's kind of been the same with my bi/straight male friends. My dating pool is basically my small rl friend group (currently 2 lovely women), but I guess that way it's less likely they're also like me romantically back?

Over the years, it's just caused me a bit of heartbreak, because I have cared deeply about my friends and crave a closer romantic connection to someone. And, I mean, I do think it's kinda sweet that when my lizard-brain sees something friend-shaped, it wants to put a ring on it, but I don't really know how to proceed from here.

I'm honestly embarrassed that I'm already in my mid-twenties and have so little experience (no romantic/sexual relationships, not even proper kissing) (partly bc the pandemic struck 1 year after I got out of school). Do you maybe have some advice on how to meet people that 'match'? I'm quite shy and people usually call me uptight, so I haven't really been to any queer spaces in rl bc I'm a bit intimidated. Like, I don't seem particularly queer and I'm not great at talking about these things (I'm not even out to my family yet). Heck, for the longest time I thought I'm straight and just doing friendships wrong.

I'd appreciate a morsel of your wisdom, but it's also been really nice to just be able to share this with someone. It's made me feel less weird. Thank you.

Hey Nonny *HUGS*

Never ever hesitate to ask a question here... sometimes I answer them, sometimes I don't, but I try my best! <3 Especially asks about asexuality, because I like sharing the stuff I learned on my journey, AND I also enjoy researching to learn more as I reply to these asks!

So, OOOF, romance is definitely not something I know a lot about. And PLEASE don't be embarrassed at all. It's society that engrains this horrid notion that if you're in your 20s and you still haven't met someone / had sex, you're all dried up and no good (hence all the terrible ageism in fandom spaces). Nonny, I'm in my 40s and I've never had a serious relationship – sexual nor romantic – in my entire life. I crave wanting to be in love, but sadly it's not something that's probably ever in my future. And that said, I am LITERALLY the worst person to ask advice on how to "meet people" – I'm neurotic and introverted with horrid social anxiety, so meeting new people for me is a months-long prep period for me. And because I'm ace, I feel like sites like tinder and bumble aren't going to welcome me, so I've just... never tried.

Pfff so I suppose probably looking into community groups in your area, or joining social program (both things I haven't done because – you know – anxious). A-spec relationships are tough, it seems, because some of us such as myself just want to meet someone I can cuddle and love and spend all my time with for the rest of my life, while others might want the sex but not the romance... it's tough. Honestly there's no right answer I can offer you, mainly because I'm very inexperienced myself.

For me, I take joy in loving the people in my life in the various roles they play in it: my coworkers, my sister, my besties, and my family all have different attachments to me. I care about them all, and it's fulfilling in its own way. And I DO want a partner, if one will ever have me, but it's not a necessity to make life fulfilling for me.

I also haven't really been to queer spaces IRL either other than Pride and the cons I've visited, but yeah I feel like I'm going to be intruding because I'm not outgoing myself. I really wish I had the right answer for you, Lovely. I'd like to know myself. I feel like, sometimes, that I just got in too late.

ANYWAY, sorry if this isn't a good reply nor make you feel better, but I'm happy you felt comfy enough to share your story with me. Asks like this one make ME feel less alone too, Nonny. *HUGS**

If anyone has any advice, please feel free to add onto this post <3

[denimbex1986]

'I expect Andrew Haigh to be a bit bleary-eyed this morning. After all, it’s the day after the British Independent Film Awards and Haigh’s stunning new film, All of Us Strangers, has just walked off with seven awards, including best supporting performance for Paul Mescal, best director and best screenplay for Haigh and the big prize of the night, best British independent film. Surely he was out celebrating? “Oh, I’m too old for drinking and having fun," he laughs. "I was in bed by about 12.30 after a cup of tea.”

Adam, the protagonist of All of Us Strangers (played by Andrew Scott), is similarly partying-aversed – initially at least. As the film opens, he’s alone in his near-empty tower block in London, where he spends his nights gazing longingly across the city or watching archive clips from Top of the Pops while struggling to write a screenplay about the death of his parents. His lonely existence is punctuated one night by Harry (Paul Mescal), his only neighbour, who turns up at his door drunk and horny.

A lonely gay man longing for connection puts us in mind of Weekend, Haigh’s breakout feature from 2012, although a hint of the supernatural creeps into the new film. While researching his screenplay, Adam goes back to his childhood home to find his mother and father still living there, despite having died in a car crash when he was 12. “At one point, I was nervous that people would just see this as Weekend Part 2 with ghosts.” laughs Haigh. “I was like, ‘Oh God, I don't want that to be what this film is.'” Haigh agrees that the films are in conversation in some way, though. “Weekend was 12 years ago, and as I've got older, there were more things that I've wanted to explore about queerness and the nature of love. And I've poured that all into the new film.”

One theme that links the two films is the feeling of being outside of society as a queer person. “As queer people, we're all trying to understand romantic relationships because we haven't had a framework of what those relationships can be,” explains Haigh. “You know, you grow up in a family where everybody is straight, and everyone at school seems to be straight, and you're not, so you're unsure how you fit in with any of that. So I think it can take a lot of queer people a long time to understand what it is that they want. But it is not that you're inherently lonely because you're gay, which is what people used to think. It's just that the world says we are that kind of person.”

All of Us Strangers is based on Strangers by Japanese author Taichi Yamada, which tells a similar narrative about a heterosexual writer. What drew Haigh to the story initially was its central concept of meeting your parents as they were when you were a child and you are now an adult. “The idea of being able to go back and meet your mum and dad on the same level would be an incredible experience,” says Haigh. “Often we think our parents should know everything. But then, when you get older and you look back, you're like 'Jesus, my parents were 32 when I was a kid. I was a mess when I was in my early 30s. Why did I expect my parents to know everything?'”

Haigh suspects that children’s inability to fully see their parents' point of view is what makes family dynamics so tricky to navigate. “If love is, in general, let's say, about truly knowing the other person, it's no surprise to me that familiar relationships can be quite complicated, because there is so much that stops us from being honest with each other within those relationships," he says. "So to me, to have this sort of space, separate from reality, where you can find a common ground feels so appealing. I mean, it's wish fulfillment, obviously, because it’s never going to happen, but it feels like something that would be special.”

All of Us Strangers is undoubtedly Haigh’s most visually complex film. But like all his work it’s centred on great performances. Working with actors is clearly something he relishes and Andrew Scott is an actor he’s wanted to work with for the longest time. “Obviously Andrew has had a lot of lead roles in theatre, and he's done a lot of stuff on television, he has been in a lot of films, but I've never seen him be the centre of a film. And I've always thought, Why? Because he's such a good actor.” Haigh also felt Scott would understand this world. "In real life, Andrew and I have similar experiences," says Haigh. "Andrew is gay, so we understand what that experience was like growing up. Plus he really responded to the script. So it was just a no-brainer, really. He's a really talented actor, he loves the script, and he understands it. It's like the three things you want more than anything else.”

Paul Mescal matches Scott’s performance every step of the way. Haigh points to Mescal’s eyes as being the key to his performance. “It just feels there's a whole world going on behind there that you want to sort of understand; there's a soulfulness to him. And with a role like Harry, you don't know a huge amount about him. But Paul lets you know that he wants him to be compassionate towards Adam, and you also get the sense of his own demons. It’s all there in the eyes and I feel like Paul is so good at communicating two things at the same time, one thing on the surface, and then something else that's underneath. And that's rare."'

[allielynxster]

I wish i had a really cool and wholesome story about meeting people at a pride event or a queer space but i got nothing and I'm sad because when i did attend a event or went to a space i shutted people out and hid in fear and shyness.

The biggest thing aside the fear and shyness was of course being sad that if i was more outgoing and met some people or had a good time, i knew i wouldn't be able to experience that again for a long time, and my desperation to be happy about myself would just eat at me until i go again, a year long cycle of pain for a annual event isn't worth it to me.

Online escapism through online queer spaces or safe spaces just don't do it for me, i disassociate extremely hard, i just- no matter how much a person online tells me something positive or share kind words or even give me a virtual hug, i just don't feel it, i can't feel their love or acceptance, i don't feel a comfort. I feel nothing from it, and if, i rarely do feel something, it's sadness, a sadness that i get from knowing it's not really there for me, in person, the world that i'm stuck at times suffering in.

It's important to note that i live in the middle of nowhere, it is not easy to get to places, i have very rare and coincidental occurrences that allow me to go to places sometimes. I do not have a drivers yet. Once I get a drivers i imagine most of the problems will be satiated, and this will all go away once i move away from my parents house to a new place i can call home

[impostoradult]

I finally figured out why it feels like Supernatural murdered a unicorn (AKA why you need to STOP telling me to watch Black Sails)

I’ll start by saying, everything everyone else has been saying CERTAINLY bothers me: 

- the queer-baiting - the bury your queers - the undermining of Dean’s character arc  - the wasted opportunity for a certain kind of overall narrative closure - the flat out disrespect to Misha Collins and Jensen Ackles

 All of that bothers me tremendously. 

But there has been something else rather ineffable about this that has left a horrible taste in my mouth that I couldn’t quite pin down until last night. Bear with me, if you will, because this will require some set-up. 

*** This is not the first show to ever disappoint me in a spectacular fashion, nor will it be the last, I suspect. And one of the ways I’ve always coped with that disappointment was to remind myself that there will be other stories, other characters, other chances to get it right. (”It” being any number of things from just pure narrative emotional coherence to not burying your queers to not stringing along your queer audience and then yelling fuck you to them on the way out) 

But somehow that assurance -- that there will be other stories, other characters, other chances to get it right -- has rung particularly hollow in this instance, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on why until yesterday. 

I kept asking myself, why do I still have this feeling, deep in the pit of my stomach, like something was lost here that can never be recovered? 

Because something was lost here that I am doubtful can ever be recovered, and I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else talking about this aspect of it at all. 

***

A few months ago, TV critic Maureen Ryan did a great interview piece with Mike Schur (of Parks & Rec/The Good Place) discussing the death of long-form TV in the streaming era. They explore how the longer seasons and longer runs of traditional broadcast/cable TV provided an opportunity to tell particular kinds of stories that you simply can’t when seasons are 8-10 episodes and series typically run 2-4 seasons (thanks Netflix).

One key thing we’ve all lost in this new era of highly condensed TV storytelling (and of prestige TV narrative styles)? The traditional (several season’s long) slow-burn/will-they-won’t-they romance. Not only is there simply no longer the time or space to write such romances, it has also come to be seen as hacky, manipulative, cheap, artistically impoverished, low-brow, a embarrassing vestige of the era before TV became art™. 

Everybody is trying to be Fleabag now. No one wants to be Frasier. (”It’s really more like a 10 hour movie” they all like to brag)

Obviously TV still has romances, even ‘drawn out’ romances. But ‘drawn out’ in 2020 is like 2-3 seasons, maybe. More commonly it’s like half a season. Take Schitt’s Creek. The number of episodes between when David and Patrick first meet and when they first kiss? Seven. Seven episodes. Half a season. If you watched it live, it took less than 2 months for them to move from introducing that dynamic to consummating it. And I’m not bagging on Schitt’s Creek; I think the David/Patrick’s story is very lovely and well-written. 

But Niles & Daphne (Fraiser) had to wait 7 years and over 150 episodes before they finally got there. Josh & Donna (The West Wing) had to wait 6+ years, and 145 episodes. Mulder & Scully (The X-Files) had to wait 7 seasons and 143 episodes. Booth & Bones had to wait...you see where I am going with this. 

And my point is (and I can’t believe I never realized this explicitly until now): there has NEVER been a queer slow-burn/will-they-won’t-they romance of that type on TV ever. EVER. 

I’m going to say that again, because I think it bares repeating:

There has never been a queer, slow-burn/will-they-won’t-they romance that fits the 100-150 episode paradigm of delayed gratification on TV. 

Not ever.  

I can’t think of ONE example  Not a single, solitary one. And I know queer TV pretty well. Arguably the closest we’ve ever come is Legend of Korra, and that ran 50 episodes, a THIRD of the length of old school will-they-won’t-theys like Booth & Bones or Josh & Donna. 

Queer people have had a fair number of canonical romances on TV by now, even fairly long running ones. But we never got a primary/front-and-center romance that you had to root for for 100+ episodes before you got any kind of canonical consummation.

That is a particular kind of TV experience that queer people and queer characters were just 100% shut out of until it was too late. And because of how the TV landscape has changed in the last 10 years, I don’t know that that opportunity will ever come back around in our lifetimes. 

***

Dean and Castiel are/were a legacy of an earlier era of TV, an era that still contained the possibility for a will-they-won’t-they of that particular mold. There were other shows that could have also filled this gap at one time - Rizzoli & Isles, OUAT, House MD, etc. But one by one all of them were killed off, their queer romances unrequited, until Supernatural was the only one of its’ generation left standing. 

And they should have acknowledged that they were a species about to become extinct. 

There are plenty of other valid and compelling reasons Supernatural should have gone full Destiel, don’t get me wrong.

A) It would have been the most emotionally satisfying ending to the series and to those characters (and that would have been reason enough). 

B) It would have stopped the manipulative queer-baiting of the (disproportionately queer) fanbase (and that would have been reason enough). 

C) It would have been queer representation of middle-aged men, of bi men, of queers who came to their queerness later in life (and any/all of those would have been reason enough). 

D) It could have been a glorious subversion of the bury your queers trope, considering how often they’ve died and been resurrected (and that would have been reason enough). 

But point E) on this list is the reason this one hurts in a singular way that no one even appears to be acknowledging. 

Almost all of the other wrongs and missed opportunities contained in this Supernatural debacle have the possibility of being rectified (at least to a degree) elsewhere. I can and I likely will get more bi male characters from TV as time goes on. I can and likely will get more middle-aged queer characters. I can and likely will get more queer characters coming to their queerness later in life, and starting queer romances later in life. I can and likely will get more queer characters who aren’t killed cheaply and prematurely. I can and likely will get more genre TV shows with sprawling myth arc plots that are resolved in a coherent, satisfying way. I can and likely will get Misha Collins and Jensen Ackles involved in other projects that value their work and their talents. 

All of those other things are at the very least POSSIBLE, and many are even likely. 

But a queer 100-150 episode slow-burn romance a la Mulder & Scully or Niles & Daphne or Booth & Bones? That is the one baton Supernatural dropped spectacularly that no one else even has the possibility of picking up again for the foreseeable future. (They don’t even write those types of romances for heterosexuals anymore!) 

Seriously. It was a TV unicorn. And rather than letting it run wild and free, they stabbed it with a rusty nail. 

***

Given the monumental shifts in the TV landscape that have occurred in the last decade, I don’t know that TV will ever go back to the slow-burn/will-they-won’t-they romance spanning 100-150 episodes. Today it is a miracle if you can get ANY show to last longer than 50 episodes in the first place. 

And that is the piece of this that makes it feel (to me) like they murdered a unicorn.  

Because queer people have gotten a lot of things from TV, and they will get a lot more as time goes on. But that one? That one could very well be a totally extinct species.

That is the larger missed opportunity here that has left this feeling especially hollow and destructive. That is the thing that makes me balk when people tell me to go watch Black Sails or Pose or whatever other prestige TV show is doing this representation ‘better.’ Because that’s not really the loss I am mourning here. I KNOW there is ‘better’ representation elsewhere.  

But the will-they-won’t-they/slow-burn romance is a qualitatively unique thing that queer people literally just never got. Ever. There is no substitute, no alternate, no other show I can turn to with that kind of build-up and pay-off for a queer couple, and there probably won’t be in my lifetime. Not unless the TV industry undergoes another monumental evolution similar to the streaming revolution that shifts the incentives back to telling those types of stories again. 

All those shows you want me to displace Supernatural with? None of them can give me the one thing I uniquely wanted (and could have gotten) from Supernatural. THAT ALTERNATE SHOW DOESN’T EXIST. It doesn’t exist. And I have no reason to hope it will ever exist in my lifetime. 

So stop telling me to look somewhere else; you don’t understand what made this one a unicorn. 

***

Addendum: The only other possible show that could perhaps fill this gap is It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (re: Mac/Dennis). But I’m hesitant to say it exactly meets that criteria, for a number of reasons:

1 - It’s far less serialized relative to Supernatural and (except for a handful of stand-alone episodes) very little of the story is grounded specifically in Dennis/Mac’s romantic dynamic (unlike SPN, where it is absolutely central to much of the narrative)

2 - IASIP is fundamentally satirically in nature/tone which makes it much harder to have genuine romantic pathos (not impossible, but harder) 

3 - All the characters on IASIP are fundamentally crummy people who you aren’t exactly supposed to root for. Which doesn’t mean a romance between two of them can’t have its value/charm/worth but it’s not the same as when it is between characters who unequivocally deserve nice things/happy endings

[the-axe-forgets]

There's this weird divide between binary and nobinary trans people that I feel like isn’t talked about enough, at least that I’ve seen.

To some binary trans people, nonbinary trans people are absurd and holding the community back. See neopronoun/xenogender discourse. To some nonbinary trans people, binary trans people are holding themselves back from really exploring their gender, or trying to appeal to cis people.

And I think it stems from a similar place to the causes of the "not like other girls" trope. Minorities are either desperate to double down and make ourselves "presentable" for the majority, or we have a deep desire to say "fuck yeah, I'm XYZ, what're you gonna do about it?" 

And neither are inherently bad. I myself am a binary trans man who tries to go as stealth as possible, and I know plenty of nonbinary trans people that are very open about identifying as such. An issue arises when we're pitted against each other by cis people. Trans people have been marketed as many different things. We've been sold as just-like-you types, and fuck-the-system types, as well as the transphobic predatory types we see in both outdated and modern media.

Not only is gender a spectrum, but so is how out one wants to be. Some people are absolutely not willing to tell anyone about their identity. Some people will indulge if asked, but are otherwise stealth. Some wear subtle representations, such as pronoun pins, to let you know they're either queer or a queer ally. Some might introduce themselves as genderqueer upon meeting someone new. None of these are bad. None of these are bootlicking or obnoxious. How someone chooses to treat their identity is no different from how they choose to share it.

But the divide comes when queer people, often those that are newer to the wider community, feel as though their experience and views about sharing their queerness is the end-all-be-all for how other trans people should healthily approach their own identities.

And I don't think it comes out of hostility. I don't think the uneducated or the ignorant should be attacked. But I do think it's worth addressing why this happens, and how it harms the general community.

Hell, I'm not exempt from this point of view myself. I still feel some internalized disdain for those who introduce themselves with their identity/pronouns, and though I acknowledge it's wrong and scold myself away from thinking differently of that person, there's so much to dismantle before I can completely rid myself of that mindset.

I've got a long road ahead in terms of ridding myself of all my internalized transphobia, and it'll take years, possibly even decades, to fully erase how my surroundings have influenced me.

I think it's worth examining that inside yourself, not only to make yourself a better person, but also to help make the queer spaces you engage in more welcoming and more free of how transphobia has affected us as queer people. The likes of Kalvin Garrah and Blaire White deeply fucked up online spaces, and generational prejudice did even worse for the possible centuries to come.

This is getting really long so I'll wrap it up, but I think as queer people there's a sort of responsibility to step back and really thoroughly get ourselves in check. I highly doubt anyone is 100% free of internal transphobia. And that's not to say you're horrible for having it, I just admitted to being "guilty" myself, but if you recognize it and choose to ignore it you're not doing yourself (or those around you) any good at all.

This is really a ramble more than anything. It’s meant to open up a conversation, rather than be the conversation. I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences, and if you disagree I’d really love to hear your take.

[gatheringbones]

[“Loree began her care collective in her twenties in Virginia as a survival strategy: the state’s refusal to fund attendant care adequately (as is true most of the time with state social service) meant that the amount of money she got to pay attendants was below minimum wage. And often, when she was able to hire an attendant with DHSS money, they were homophobic and unsupportive of Erickson when she was watching queer films or hanging out with other queer friends. In response, Erickson fired her attendants, had a meeting with her friends, and came up with the vision to experiment with collective friend-made care together.

Her care collective continued when she moved to Toronto, partially because of her lack of ability to access state-funded home care attendants because of her not being a permanent resident. For the past fifteen years, her care collective has been filled with disabled and non-disabled friends and community members who work shifts each week to help her with dressing, bathing, and transferring. She doesn’t have to do all the care work herself: she has friends who take on the admin work of emailing, scheduling, and training potential care shifters. When she travels away from her home base of Toronto to conferences, to lecture and teach workshops, or to visit friends and lovers, she or supporters ask, via Facebook and email, for people in that region to help and be part of her care team. In recent years, Loree and allies have planned small fundraisers to purchase adaptive equipment and compensate some care shifters who are poor/low income for their time and care work, especially as Loree gets older, and her community gets more disabled themselves.

Loree’s care collective is not just a practical survival strategy to get her the care she needs; it’s a site of community and political organizing, where many people learn about disability politics (both the theory and the nitty-gritty) in action for the first time. In one interview, she notes that upon moving to Toronto, her care collective became a more explicitly political space. “It was more like mobilizing a community. I was meeting new people, I was connecting with folks, and I started to see the ways that collective care functions as anti-ableism training for folks,” she said. People were becoming radicalized around care and disability through participating in the collective. “It’s not like I’m giving workshops or lectures from the bathroom, but you know, we’re talking about both of our lives and so that’s part of the way that the education happens.”

In Loree’s care collective, her need for access is posited as something she both needs and deserves, and as a chance to build community, hang out with Loree, and have fun—not as a chore. This is drastically different from most ways care is thought of in the world, as an isolated, begrudgingly done task that is never a site of pleasure, joy, or community building.

This is radical. It is a radical rewriting of what care means, of what disability means, taking anarchist ideas of mutual aid and crip-femming them out. I’ve shown people Loree’s fundraising video for the collective, where shots of her transferring to the toilet with the help of a care shifter are interspersed with footage of her and care shifters trading gossip and dating advice over breakfast. After seeing the video, one participant in a workshop on care I gave said, “It’s really mind-blowing for me to see someone accessing care that’s very intimate, without shame, and with everyone laughing and having a good time.”]

Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha, Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice

[blackholeofcreativity]

As a neurodivergent person i had a very similar experience with my sexuality but a very different one with my gender.

I was, admittedly, taught early on that being gay was taboo. However, as a teen i got really into social justice, and in 11th grade found myself in the queer friend group of the grade - both things which really helped unlearn all the internalized homophobia. Importantly, at this point i still identified as cishet. Come college, i meet this girl and fall head over heels for her. I’m in denial until she tells me she knows i’m straight but she finds me hella attractive. My brain short circuits, i ask to kiss her, and we spend a year together as girlfriends. It was just an “oh” kind of realization - like huh, i’m into at least one girl, guess i’m bi now. Time to tell my high school peeps that i’m not actually the token straight friend anymore! I was only truly worried about my parents, but mostly because i worried they’d judge me and treat me differently, not that i’d lose their love or support.

Gender, on the other hand, was something i struggled with since i was small. I always felt like i was not enough of a girl, i wasn’t as feminine as society told me i should be - at the time i didn’t know that gender was just a performance for most people. I thought i was just weird, alien, destined to be alone. In elementary school, i became friends with the tomboys in my class. I felt power in not being “what girls should be”. However i never *truly* fit in because there was still a lot about femininity that i saw in myself and genuinely enjoyed - but i tried to be a better tomboy.

Then, in middle school, i begun identifying as “not like other girls”. I didn’t fit in or have any friends, and that built resentment in me for the “other girls”, who seemed to so effortlessly fit in and find friends and boys who were interested in them. I was jealous, but i also had a twisted sense of superiority - i now recognized gender as a performance and thought all “other girls” were stuck conforming to a rigid presentation in order to fit in. They were suffering in their bonds of traditional femininity, whereas i was free to be true to myself - even though i was alone, i felt powerful, like i had gained some secret knowledge that none of them had the guts to face. I also found feminism (the toxic, terfy exclusionary kind) and thought of them as complicit in their own oppression, only by being like me could they be true feminists.

Then came high school. During the first two years, i was dealing with a newly presenting chronic illness - not much time or mental space to obsess over the intricacies of gender. I was still “not like other girls” but i was also thinking “maybe other girls… aren’t actually that bad? Maybe they’re not the villains in my story?” And i made more friends. I was still grappling with the fact that i wasn’t feminine enough, but i also wasn’t overly masculine when it came up.

Throughout all of this time, i wasn’t incredibly aware of the existence of trans people. Like rationally, i knew they existed by the time i finished middle school, but it was never something i thought of, and i never actually met anyone who was trans, so it was never something that factored into any of my gender analises. I was, however, increasingly aware of the gay community - and increasingly supportive of them.

Skip to the final years of high school. I found myself in a group of queers for the first time in my life, regularly interacting with people of different sexualities for the first time in my life. Queue me finding out that one of my friends identified as nonbinary. “Nonbinary,” i thought, “what the hell is that?”

“It’s when a person feels like they’re neither a boy nor a girl. They go by they/them pronouns, instead of either she/her or he/him.” My friend explained. That was news to me, i didn’t know that was possible. And pronouns? Weird, but i wanna be a good ally and i love that friend, so i tried to take it in stride. Unknowingly, i started absorbing the “requirements” of being trans and nonbinary. That friend was very androgynous, used they/them pronouns, was bisexual, the works. Nothing like me, at the time. It didn’t help that the entire group was “tumblr gays” - but i don’t judge because that’s all we had access to at the time.

Come college and i accidentally create a group solely consisting of queer folks. And finally, i find myself with access to a real queer community. I’ve started questioning my gender properly at this point, but felt that i couldn’t claim a trans identity because i didn’t want to change how i presented (i know, accidental transmedicalist take alert). I didn’t want to transition, so i thought that excluded me from being trans in any way. But with the continuous support of my community, i grew to accept that i have a wonky gender, and my feelings are all that matter. Claiming a label would take nothing from other trans folks, and they don’t have to be permanent.

Now, i am a proud nonbinary girl. I haven’t come out to most people in my life because i feel no need to. I feel comfortable being perceived as a woman, and only share my wonky gender with the people i trust. Nothing has changed externally, but internally, i am at peace with being not quite a girl - in peace with my gender for the first time in my life. I understand myself better, and that’s all i really needed.

Circling back to your point, OP, i can relate partially to your experiences. And i feel like it is so important to stop defining the queer experience via suffering, like you said. I think i would’ve accepted my trans identity at least a few years sooner had i not equated the trans experience with being at risk of experiencing transphobia, having body dysmorphia, etc. And if it would have changed my situation, i can only imagine that others would benefit incredibly from this shift too. Queer suffering is not the only queer experience, and we should try to emphasize that more when we can. And good god everyone deserves to find an irl queer community, because tumblr queerness can be so limiting it becomes suffocating.

so guys turns out that being raised by queer people alienates me from the queer experience. probably not a good thing