#I get some of my best writing done between 8 and 10 pm

[fruitgoat]

Trying something new. Going to bed at 11:30pm.

Especially since the alarm will off at an ungodly hour so I can attempt to book my holiday cabin.

[zanarkandfayth]

Would love to read your answers to questions 3, 9, 13, 17, 18, 26, 29, 31, 32, 50, and, if there's another number (or several) you really wanna answer, please add those too ✨

thank you for the ask!! <33 I wrote you novels in return gjdskglj

3. In your opinion, what’s your best fic?

oooh this one is so hard because I love most of my fics for different reasons, even my older ones (at least the ones on ao3. we ignore the ones left behind on ffnet lmao). hhhh, of completed ones that are posted, imma have to say monsters honestly, because damn did I put some heart into that. but the one I'd probably consider absolute best is the still ongoing, not yet posted 600K+ beast of a fic I usually refer to as "nanofic" that I've been working on since 2019. it won't be everyone's cup of tea, but it just gets so deep into noct's trauma that I inflict on him and his slow recovery from it, more than I've done for any other fic, and I've poured so much blood sweat and tears into that thing, it's kinda everything to me.

9. Have you ever written for a fandom without watching/reading/playing the source material?

written, no. been tempted to in the past, but it was too much effort and I already had too many fics for my main fandoms. I have read fandom blind for both harry potter and supernatural in the past though, like lates 2000s into mid 2010s. both were kinda on accident. supernatural in particular is because it kept getting crossed over with MULTIPLE of my fandoms. psych, house md, and criminal minds. so I started reading non-crossover supernatural fics in self-defense gsdklgjdks

13. What’s the biggest change between your style when you started in fandom and today?

I mean… this is the first paragraph of one of my fics from my first fandom when I was fifteen. you tell me 😂

"Relena smiled as she sipped her tea and mentally reviewed the day's schedule. 8:00 am- peace talk to the world. 10:00 am- conference with Romefeller. 1:00 pm- try to convince Dorothy to become a pacifist because she was to stupid to understand that Dorothy loved war. Rest of the day- annoy the HELL out of Heero Yuy. Smiling happily again (PLEASE! Her smile is SO annoying), she stood up and was just about to take a step when …. suddenly a freak falling cow killed her!!! =^.^= The gundam boys all burst out of closets around the room and rejoiced."

the biggest change is probably that I actually write well now lmao. and don't character bash. and don't throw author's notes and emoticons in the middle of fics, and have learned to format better, and, and…

17. In your opinion, what’s your most overrated fic?

oh god. let me hide before I answer this. hands down, it's shadows growing. like let me be clear, it's not bad by any means. I'm still fond of it. but I did not have a clear plan when I started writing it, and I really feel like that shows. it was not meant to be a fix-it fic. it was not meant to be a longer fic. it was not meant to be much of anything, tbh. I saw the prompt on the kink meme and the prologue literally started writing itself in my head and I was like "nah idk what I'd do with that" and I scrolled past, but I couldn't focus on reading other prompts and so I went back and just started typing the fic in a reply to the prompt. honestly I figured I'd write whatever I could and then when I left it unfinished, no one would know because I was anon and I had like one fic posted on ao3 for ffxv at the time and I was used to being a complete fandom nobody. the fact that shadows growing got me even somewhat noticed was unexpected and I was not prepared gdjskgjdskl

it definitely affected the fic because once the readers started picking up it made me feel suuuuper stressed and I was so afraid to stray too far from canon because I thought people would hate that??? for some reason??? no there's logic there. I was just overwhelmed. and I do get why people love it, because the whump and the friendship between the boys is really good. but I cannot help but look at it and remember how out of my depth I felt at the time and wish that I had been brave enough to diverge more from canon and smart enough to come up with a better ending. I still suspect there were quite a few people who felt let down by the ending and that's fair honestly. anyways, yeah, it's a good fic and I'm fond of it and most of the attention and the recs it got were in the first couple years of the game being out and I don't begrudge it being my most popular fic, I just. have better ones now I feel like gjsdgjskgsj but maybe not ones as many people would want to read. which is fine with me tbh.

18. What’s your most underrated fic?

the gladio oneshot in my "fayth's daddy issues week" series! (I wrote all those fics so back to back that I can't remember the titles for any of them whoops.) I adore that fic and it got so little attention compared to most of the other fics in that week, or my fics overall tbh. the only one that got even less was the one about iris 🤣 but I don't care much for the iris one either, even though I think it has some stellar banter between the boys and cute/funny prompto/gladio moments. I really love the gladio one though, because it was fun to revisit gladio's pov in a fic and I got to develop a bit of backstory for him that's been evolving into headcanon and there's a good chunk of ignis and gladio friendship that was the precursor to all their friendship in monsters, plus I got to make gladio cry, so. I love it <3

26. What aspect of your writing do you most enjoy to see praised?

characterisation, for sure. it's the one thing I agonise over and actually worry about what readers might think at times, especially as I get further away from having played the game to keep it fresh in my mind. so anyone commenting that it feels right makes me roll around on my bed in glee. the other aspect I equally enjoy is people commenting on the emotions. like, that the ones I wrote the characters having feel real/deep, that it made the reader feel them too, etc. stuff like that. cos the emotions are literally why I write fic lol.

29. Does the division of your writing across fandoms line up with your reading? What’s the biggest discrepancy?

I am dumb and am struggling to understand what this question is asking, tbh. is it like, do I write for as many fandoms as I read, or something? because fuck no in that case, haha. the only fandoms I've done major writing for (more than one or two fics) are gundam wing, digimon adventure, final fantasy x, and final fantasy xv. and I've read for something like 100 fandoms, idk. at one point I had a list but I stopped keeping track eventually.

31. Who’s the one character you’ve just never managed to get perfectly right?

well… I didn't really understand the concept of characterisation for fanfic until a little before I started writing for ffx. so uh, it's kinda non-existent in my gdw and digimon fics. but once I actively started trying for it… honestly maybe just yuna from final fantsy x. I had some things featuring her meant to be longer fics that were set during the game (most of my posted stuff is set pre-canon, with no yuna in sight) but I never finished and/or posted them because I always felt shaky on yuna's characterisation. I don't think I've majorly struggled with anyone in ffxv to the point that I've felt too dissatisfied with characterisation to post. but at the same time I'm sure none of them are actually perfectly right xD but they FEEL more or less right to me, which is all I care about.

32. Who’s the one character who shines without you even trying?

noct. I mean. he's my blorbo for a reason xD my beloved, I relate to him so much and the rest of it I just project lololol. I make a point to not actually just write myself as noct, cos I personally ain't about that, but it feels very easy to write him without needing to think too deeply about his thoughts/feelings/reactions most of the time. they feel instinctual to me, even when it's something that would differ from my own thoughts/feelings/reactions if I was in a similar situation.

50. Has writing fanfic had a significant impact on your life? Would you say it’s entirely positive?

YES and the answer to this question is one of the reasons antis/purity culture upsets me so fucking much. it's a personal/sensitive answer though so skip if you don't want to read that xD but. reading rape/sexual abuse & aftermath fics as a teenager is what helped me to understand that, even though there was no outright rape happening, I was still being abused. seeing my favourite characters have the courage to tell someone about their abuse and get help is what encouraged me to tell one of my friends during an AIM conversation late one night when I was sixteen, and she convinced me to tell my therapist at my next appointment, who then told my mom, and yeah let's just say that was a very significant and eventually positive impact (it was a rocky road) on my life. if none of that had happened I genuinely think the CSA would have continued escalating into eventual rape. so thank FUCK for fanfic and I seethe with rage every time some shitfuck anti tries to claim there's no good to be found in such fics. plus in general it just helps with my mental health and I've made plenty of friends through fic over the years, even if they come and go I'm still grateful to have known them for that time, and writing fic is the one thing that gives life any meaning for me, etc. so yeah I'd say at least 99% positive.

and now, I will add a few to answer, because you said I could lmao

7. What’s the fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)?

it is a toss-up between horizon road, an ffx fic featuring a toxic, fucked up relationship between tidus and auron that I still really love, or endless skies, a really self-indulgent digimon fic. they're both old at this point, horizon road I started in 2005, and endless skies was in 2016. horizon road suffers from me having no solid ideas for it beyond the three chapters I wrote, and endless skies is painfully fully outlined, but it was such a hard, research-intensive fic to write for a number of reasons, and now looking at it also just reminds me of an ex-friend who I feel very negative towards (because I talked to them a lot while plotting/writing and they even wrote some of the smut scenes for me, though I've since removed those) and even if I wasn't still deeply entrenched in ffxv, I don't think I could bring myself to ever work on it again :/ which sucks because I did adore it very much.

35. Have you ever written a ship into a fic without meaning to?

…okay, I think anyone who has read shadows growing and then has also read or even looked at my ignoct fics knows that the ignoct is very much present in shadows growing gjdskgjsk as much as I will swear up and down it's platonic, and people certainly can take it that way if they want, like. come on. it's there. at a point, it very much was intentional. BUT. it did start out accidental. the og prompt asked for either gen or OT4 and I don't ship OT4 so I was gonna do gen but noct and ignis kept blurring the lines when I started writing scenes with them gdsjkgdjkl aaaaand actually I didn't start monsters with the intention of it being ignoct either. (the ignoct bits in the first chapter I actually added in a rewrite of that chapter lmao.) nor the tiny little epilogue in heavy is the burden that nudges into hinting at ignoct territory. fuck, even the ignoct in my very first ffxv wasn't meant to be so overt as it was gjdsklgjks there's also tiny hints of it in some of my fayth's daddy issues week fics (not counting the one that's deliberately and stated to be ignoct).

…actually now that I'm writing this I'm realising very little of my ignoct has been deliberately planned at the start 😂 the sequel to shadows growing, grey skies, was planned, at least xD the promptio that shows up towards the end of the fic was an accident though gjsdkgljslk it just. happened??? I didn't even LIKE promptio when I started writing that fic. huh. maybe accidental shipping is just my thing in writing ffxv fics.

40. Do you feel like you put out enough content?

wanted to answer this one, because, I'm NOT talking in terms of other people here. I don't mean to sound dismissive or ungrateful, because I do appreciate the people who read my fics, it makes me happy, but like. it's not why I write OR post. I'm not "producing content" for people; if someone is unhappy with me for not posting more fics, that's their problem. but in terms of myself… yeah, I do wish I had more to post. not because I feel like I've got some kind of arbitrary quota to meet. like, quite frankly, I have over a million words of fic posted on ao3, and given that I have a single unposted fic that's over 600K alone, I'm positive I have at least 2mil total words written. it's just that I wish I could write more consistently/frequently? I feel like I never write as much as I want to, and I know a lot of it is because of my worsening health, so maybe that's why I just feel so frustrated and dissatisfied with my output, but man, sometimes I look at my number of posted works on ao3 and feel like it's such a low number for how long I've been writing ): both for ffxv specifically and for all my fics total. I know it's silly, but the feeling persists nonetheless.

thank you again for the ask!! I feel happy getting to answer questions and ramble about my fics :D and it was really fun to think about my answers and realise a thing or two haha.

[uppityduppity]

Hey!

This is my first ever post on Tumblr, so yay me.

I’m looking for some roleplay partners for mxm romance. I know no one wants to waste time reaching out only to be met with incompatibility, so I’ll put everything out on here and you can respond as you see fit.

1) I have quite a bit of experience roleplaying and would really like the same in my partner. I do not have a writing limit, because some scenes are more fast paced and better with short responses, but I do write a lot and would appreciate a partner who matched this. With this, I expect my partner to be able to write from a single paragraph -> passed character limits.

2) I will always write in third person and am far more comfortable with a partner who does the same.

3) I will only accept 18+ partners as this is a. a romance and b. I roleplay NSFW content.

4) I am a switch, but only willing to play as a top or bottom, dom or sub. This said, I love characters that don’t fit the stereotypes of the position.

5) I highly prefer fandomless roleplays and oc x oc relationships. I am a fiend for world building and get very excited to build up the world around our OCs.

6) I have plots of my own, but love other ideas. The base plot will need to be discussed, but it’s bound to take a life of its own. With this said, major plot points are best done when previously discussed.

7) My triggers include mental illness, non-con, and cheating. The mental illness piece can be discussed, but I need to build up trust between myself and my partner to feel comfortable with it. Different people handle these topics differently and I try to be very careful with the way I approach them in my work for my own health.

8) On this note, I do roleplay more violent scenes if the plot involves action. My description can vary depending on my partner’s comfort.

9) Sometimes it feels like the roleplay is dragging and you aren’t as excited to respond. I will give my partner the respect of discussing it and coming up with solutions and I expect the same in return.

10) I have my own OCs and would love to see yours! Please have a fully fleshed out character. If you use someone else’s art for the face claim, have the artist’s credit.

So that was my spiel. I hope you reach out either through the comments or pms. Thank you for your time!

PS. Check out my AO3 for fandom content 💚

[espies-galaxy]

How I Write

Dear World,

I do not know if this has ever been written before but it probably has. If you have yet to read it, well then, ladies and gentlemen and all my readers out there! Being someone who genuinely loves to write, when I say writing, I do not mean like the articles I write. However, I do enjoy those, but I mean like stories that come together to create books.

Are you ready for this? Cause I do not know if you are ready for the process.

This is what I do, and this will vary between writers; I typically write between the hours of 10 pm to 3 am. That sounds rather ridiculous because there are so many other hours in the day, but that is not the point. I write throughout the day. If I get inspired by something, it starts flowing, and there is nothing that I can do about it. All the while, I write in the late hours, and the wee hours of the morning in my bed, in my pajamas, hair completely pulled back, with no sound. That is my physical being while I write. It sounds rather dumb, but it is just how I focus on myself; again, all writers are different.

Sometimes I could be having a bad day, and I will write a character that is me, and I work through the problem in many different scenarios to see if I can think of a good way to work something through. Then there are times, like one time this past fall, I was driving home with my mom from the store, and the leaves were all around the ground, and as we drove by, they made this really magical swirl on the road, and it instantaneously ignited a story in my mind. Also, when I am really tired, sort of like that in between where you can barely keep your eyes open, and when you blink, you are already asleep; I find I write the best because it is a steady flow of words. The words and sentences are not always good and might not make sense, but when I read it the next day and I like it, I get to go over and revise and revise, oh and revise again.

One thing I want everyone reading this to consider is that there is no such thing as someone who cannot write. Everyone can write; the difference between a good writer and a bad writer is time. I always write; I write some every day, like a brain vomit diary where it is completely random things, and my life goes on. Truth be told, it is as simple as that, just write all the time about anything, just really random things. If you have a hard time writing just about random things, something I do if I have writer's block is I write down memories or daydreams. You can write something, and you can hate every word and delete is when you are done, but you have basically had a practice for the day.

Sincerely,

A Pen And Paper Is Always Better

(originally written by me August 8, 2016)

[boldlyvoid]

Million Dollar Man | chapter two

18+

summary: Spencer's therapist recommended he branch out and meet new people who don't want to talk about his work... she didn't expect him to sign up for a Sugar Daddy website.

Content warnings: sugar daddy!spencer, age gaps (14 years), daddy kink, blow jobs, kissing, drinking mention, lowkey perv!Spencer, cum play, praise, oral (female receiving), grinding, love confessions, arrangements, Spencers anxiety, (more to add)

word count: 3.4K

a/n: updates on Wednesdays and saturdays at 2 pm est

Chapter Two | Masterlist

She sat on the subway with an anxious pit in her stomach and her purse held close to her chest. Her laptop in her bag, she didn’t want to lose it on her way to the most important meeting of her whole life.

Her story was becoming a book, she was almost done the final draft, they were making touch-ups to the cover and picking the type of paper today.

Her dreams were coming true within the next month, soon she’d have a physical copy of her book, her pre-sales were showing that she’d be on the bestseller list, and her name was finally going to be on the cover of this one.

She sighed and reached for her necklace, holding it between her fingers as she took a few deep breaths. She was doing so much better today than she was last year and it was all because of Spencer, he was the best thing to happen to her. To think she complimented his sweater vest and now he’s the only person in her life she can count on.

All she can think about is him for the rest of her journey, through 4 more stops she keeps her eyes closed as she thinks of all his little facts and his cute laugh. She smiles to herself and the anxiety slips away, she loves him and she knows that for sure, but she just doesn’t know how she loves him.

She’s never had a sibling, her best friends are all women, her previous boyfriends were all shit and her other sugar daddies were never this wonderful, and her parents are lesbians… she doesn’t know what her feelings really are for Spencer, mainly because she’s never known any other men to compare him to.

But she does know the exact moment she realized she fell for him.

He booked a hotel room in DC after a local case, asking her to meet him in there at 10 pm. She was waiting in the bathtub when he arrived, bubbles galore, her hair up and arms open, “welcome home, honey.”

He laughs, “you want me to get in there with you?”

She just nods, “let me take care of you, daddy?”

He takes off his blazer, pulls his tie off and starts to unbutton his shirt. She watches patiently as he gets undressed, and it’s not sexual to her. He’s her person, her best friend, the only human being she would ever share a moment like this with and that’s when it hits her.

She doesn’t accept it just yet.

It’s not until he’s lying on her chest, between her legs, cheek resting on her boobs as she runs a sponge over his back while he gives her a little run down on his terrible week. His co-worker almost died, his mom is stressing him out, the only good thing he has left is her and she knows that.

“And then I get to my moms facility and she’s had a really good day, she knows me and she knows all of my childhood again and she’s all right there in front of me and yet she’s so far away. I’m never going to get all the time I want with her and it’s really hard to accept.”

He shares things with her that he doesn’t even tell his therapist. Because his therapist doesn’t hold him like a child against her chest and tell him he’s okay when he get’s upset.

Y/N loves him, so she kisses his forehead, “I’m so sorry, I have 2 moms if you’d like to have one?”

“It’s okay, I would love to meet them sometime though,” he wraps his arms around her waist a little tighter under the water. “Thank you for tonight.”

“Did I mention my leg is 44 inches from hip to toe?” She asks in the middle of the silence, quoting pretty woman, knowing he hasn’t seen that far into the movie yet. “So basically we’re talking about 88 inches of therapy for the bargain price of $800 dollars a week.”

Her legs wrap around him and their naked bodies are closer than they’ve ever been and yet it’s completely platonic, “I’d spend a million dollars on you if it always meant feeling this good after.”

She runs her cheek along his wet hair as he snuggles into her neck, “mmm, I like the sound of that,” she teased. “My million dollar man.”

Her stop rolls around and she pulls herself out of her day dreams to get off the train and head to her meeting. She smiles as she walks through the station, up the stairs and onto the busy downtown streets when she gets a text with Spencers special chime. She opens it when she gets to where she’s going, safely inside and in the waiting room.

It makes her laugh in the waiting room. People look at her but she doesn’t care, he’s so special to her she feels butterflies in her stomach even when he’s not around.

“Y/N!” She hears her name being called by her editor, he’s over ecstatic as he comes running out to get her. “Come, come we have so many choices to make!” He jumps up and down as he holds her arm, like a child in a candy store.

“Andy, chill man,” she laughs at him and plays it cool, “It’s just the cover being finalized.”

“It’s our baby!” He teases back, pushing his glasses up and tugging her behind the glass doors of the office.

She’s surrounded by people and paper and huge versions of her book cover. She has a sharpie as she fixed mistakes and jots down final ideas. “And I wan’t Phil to look more human and less like data from Star Trek?”

“But Dorothy looks okay?” The artist asks, nervously and Y/N can tell.

“She looks beautiful! You really brought her justice,” she smiles, “really she looks the same in my head! It’s just Phil and I’m sure it’s tough getting a drawing to look like a robotic human, let alone human.”

“I have some ideas?” She opens up more, taking her iPad out and sliding it across the table, “I wanted to give him more of a Sophia feel? His face is silicone but his joints and everything are more like an Elon Musk crash dummy.”

“That’s perfect!” She’s shocked, “why didn’t that go in the first draft?”

“I was worried it was too much,” she’s a little older than Y/N, and yet her anxiety is that of a teenage girl. “I’m going to get working on the final, do you want some emailed versions tonight?”

“Yes please,” she smiles.

“So we’re done?” Andy asks, “we’ve made all our final calls?”

“I believe we have,” Y/N closes her laptop and takes her phone out, taking a photo of the final rough sketch of her book cover on the table to send to Spencer before he comes to pick her up. She can’t wait to see him now.

—

They’re sitting side by side in matching spa robes, he’s getting a pedicure while she gets her nails done. Leaning back in her chair with a face mask and cucumbers on her eyes, she’s never felt more relaxed in her life. And just in time too, her back was killing her from writing, her knuckles hurt and she just needed a break.

Spencer did too, he was genuinely not having a good time at work anymore, every case made him spiral and he always looked to Y/N on days like that. They met more than once a week now, she got $800 every Friday and she didn’t even really need it anymore. He was coving for so much of her bills and lively hood that her savings account was growing and growing because of him.

For the first time in her life she thought she would be okay if a man left her. As terrible as it was, as much as her moms tried to raise her differently, she fell down the daddy issues rabbit hole and she’s never going to find her way out— however, luckily for her, Spencer is down here too, and he brought a flashlight.

He understands her, more than anyone else on earth. He knows all her secrets, every crush and bad grade and snide remark she’s ever kept to herself. He didn’t judge her, he could actually listen to her issues and tell her why she had them. He gave better advice than a therapist and he was able to get information for her if he didn’t know the answer to what she was going through.

He’s absolutely everything to her and yet he’s 14 years older than her, he’s still traumatized beyond belief, he’s sad and ashamed and recovering… but he’s the best man in the whole world and she wishes he could see that. If he just looked at himself from her eyes, if he felt how she did in her soul when they were together, he’d love himself.

They’re too relaxed to drive home, and Spencer knew that would happen beforehand, bringing her a change of clothes (lingerie) and that robe me mentioned. He books a hotel above the spa and takes her to it. Arms linked as they enter the suite, she’s amazed to find more than one gift bag on the bed.

“How many gifts is this now?”

“We’re at 5 out of 24.”

She laughs as she wraps her arms around him in a thank you hug, “this is what you consider 4 gifts? Spencer there are like 8 things on the bed, let alone the massage and manicure?”

“If you think this is too much I guess you’re going to get really mad next week,” he teases as she looks up at him with a surprised look on her face.

“Spencer, I am so busy next week, I cannot be galavanting around with my sugar daddy,” she tries to act like she doesn’t want to go on an adventure with him again.

The last trip they took was the best week of her life. They went to all the historical sites in the UK that she and Spencer had talked about. Mainly old churches and castles, strange poets graves, random art and most importantly; stone henge. It was a trip of a lifetime and he took it with her.

“I watched the rest of Pretty Woman the other day,” he smiles, “and I thought I’d pull an Edward Lewis and really surprise you because you deserve it.”

“You know how the movie ends, right?” Her heart beats really fast in her chest and she wants him to love her so bad but it’s also terrifying now that she’s this close.

“He lets her choose,” he whispers.

“He rescues her,” she corrects him.

“And she rescues him right back,” he really did watch the end of the movie.

It makes her heart skip a beat as she swallows sharply, “what does this mean for us?”

“I have a whole plan, a whole sequence of events I want to stick to. I wanted to make you fall in love with me this week and ask you on your birthday, can we still do that?” He pleads with her, he’s so serious. He’s clearly put a lot of effort into this.

“Absolutely,” she smiles, “but if you’re going to make me wait that long for you to ask, you still can’t kiss me till then. No matter how much I already love you.”

“Really?” He’s so soft with her, she knows he’s not reacting to the teasing. He’s never had someone tell him they love him and then stay after.

“I would never lie to you about that, spence. I know what love means to you, I know how scared you are and I’m scared too. But I know there is no one else in the whole world I’d rather be scared with than you,” she holds him tighter and rubs her nose against his, “so what’s in the bags, daddy? Finish your surprise.”

She plays along perfectly, stepping back and hauling him towards the bed. “I got you some outfits and things for the next 2 weeks, we have a few things planned. We’re going on a flight soon, I have new luggage being delivered to your apartment this week and we’re going to see your moms for 3 days.”

“No,” she shakes her head, “there’s no way, Spencer, I haven’t seen them in 5 years, I’m going to cry.”

“I know,” he cups her jaw with his hand. “They’re really excited to see you.”

She hugs him tight, kissing his neck as she holds him. “Thank you, daddy, do you want me to put something on for you now?”

“I’m just going to take it off you, plus, what your wearing is sexy enough, he whispers back. “You’re always so beautiful, baby.”

“I thought you were saving the best for last?” She asks as she pulls back, overly eager and he can tell.

“I want to repay the favour from the other night.”

She doesn’t mean to gasp and yet she does, “please?”

He pulls on the tie of her robe, opening it enough to snake a hand behind her back and draw her in with a hand on her bare back. “Please what?”

“Please, daddy?” She looks up with her best begging eyes, perfect pout and all. “I want you to touch me, I promise I’ll be a good girl.”

He steps away from her to swipe all the bags off the bed before picking her up and laying her back against the pillows. He kisses down her body, hand on her lover back as she arches, he drags his bottom lip from her belly button to her cleavage. Nipping and sucking at the exposed skin on her chest, pulling her breasts out of the bra to suck on her nipples, she moans and it’s louder than she expected.

As she plays with his hair, he marks her, bruising small little love bites all the way down as he makes his way between her legs, “take me, please?”

He’s been dreaming of this for so long, he can’t even give you an accurate number of times his mind has drifted to the thought of how wonderful she would taste, how beautiful she’d sound…

“Tell me how badly you want me?” He asks as he spreads her legs and kisses her left thigh.

“I haven’t had sex in 10 months while waiting for you. Daddy, please you’ve owned me for so long, just take what’s yours already for gods sa- OH!”

With a broad lick, his tongue flattens against her core and it shuts her up. She gets what she wants, holding into his hair as she tosses her head back, taking it all in and enjoying it. He’s been on her mind for months, every time her vibrator was where he is now, she thought of him. he’s been the man of her dreams longer than she’s known him, and he was proving it.

“Right there, daddy,” she speaks through shallow breaths, “do you know how much I’ve thought of this?”

“You know I don’t,” the vibrations of his voice against her skin are glorious, he looks up at her through his lashes as his tongue flicks over her clit and she shakes a bit.

“Fuck,” she gasps, gripping his hair tighter, “better than I thought you’d be, fuck, too bad you— Jesus, don’t have the stash anymore…”

He stops and looks up at her, the smirk on his face glistening with her juices, “the stash?”

She nods, “I’ve thought about calling it the pussy tickler,” she teases, running her hand down his cheek and swiping her thumb across his bottom lip before bringing it up to her mouth to taste, “I want more of you.”

He kisses back up her body and she reaches for his robe the second he’s close enough. “Just grind against me? I know you’re waiting but we can still feel good together?”

He kisses the side of her mouth and she takes that as a yes, wrapping her legs around him so his hard cock is pressed right against her core as they move their hips in synchronicity with each other. His breathing is heavy as he kisses her cheek and jaw, her nails scratch down his back, he feels absolutely amazing against her.

She feels so empty, she wants him so bad she’s clenching around nothing as she squirms against his cock and wishes she was full.

“I wish I could move time,” she whispers. “Fuck, why can’t it be my birthday?”

He laughs against her, grazing his teeth over her neck and drawing another moan from her but then he stops moving his hips, “why are you so impatient?”

“Remember I said I stopped enjoying everything? Well, taking a 10 month break from sex and thinking about you every time I got off has made me desperate,” her hand cups his cheek, “I’d wait forever for you, but a girl needs to be fucked hard every once in a while.”

Only she could find a way to make something both profoundly beautiful and whorish at the same time, he loved her for it and she knew that now. He smiles and leaned in to rub his nose against hers and it takes everything in her not to kiss him. The same way it was taking everything in him not to slip into her as he began to grind against her once more.

She’s so close, the accidental edging has added a whole new level of desperation she’s never felt before. She wants to cum for him so bad, but more importantly she wants him to cum for her.

“Take my bra off,” she whispers, Spencer’s hands travel behind her back to unclasp it and he helps her out of it before tossing it to the floor.

“Cum for me daddy,” she whispers in his head with a hand in his hair, gripping him tightly as he bites at her neck, “cover me with your cum like you’re marking your territory.”

“Shit,” his hips sputter against hers.

“Say it, I know you want to,” she teases, so close to the edge but it’s too good of an opportunity. She loves seeing him fall apart like this and she can’t wait to see it again. “Who’s am I?”

“Daddy’s girl.”

He grinds down on her harder and faster and she’s so close, the bubble in her gut is reaching a fever pitch and with a gasp, she’s cumming and then she feels it. His load covers her stomach as he pants against her neck and grips her hips tighter as he comes down.

She wraps her arms around him and holds him as close as humanly possible, her breathing still heavy as he rises and falls on her chest. He’s heavy but she doesn’t care, she just kisses the top of his head and thanks him.

He brushes his nose against her neck, nuzzling her like a cat, “do you really mean it?”

“What, honey?” He remembers so much, this could be a question about something she said 2 months or 2 minutes ago and she has no clue.

“You’re not just playing along with my kinks right, you genuinely want to be mine?”

For being her million dollar man, his heart sure was broke. This is why he wasn’t ready, he still didn’t understand why she would want to stay without anything in return, he’s gotten so used to paying her for her time now that his anxiety has managed to convince him that she’ll leave when he stops being worth it to her.

“What does my necklace say?” She asks, knowing how close he was to it. “Read it to me, I forget.”

“Daddy’s girl,” he smiles again.

She soothes her hands over his back, “I would do anything with you because I love and trust you, but also because everything you do is sexy… you could read me the dictionary and I’d still want you to pump me full of cum after.”

“It sounds so crude after,” he laughs, “speaking of, we really need to have a shower.”

“I’ll wash your back if you wash mine?” She teases as he gets up.

“Only if you let me wash the front too?”

She smacks his bare ass and races him into the bathroom, turning on the water and getting in with him while still laughing and carrying on. He’s her best friend in the whole world, there’s no one else she would rather do this with… there was no one she has done this with. No one has made her feel this good, before during and after sex.

Spencer Reid was an anomaly, but he was hers.

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[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

Get Me to the Church On Time Pt. 5

Series Summary: It's Dean and Julie's wedding day. What could go wrong?

Chapter Summary: Time for the honeymoon.

Series Warnings/Explicit 18+: Some show level violence, eventual smut, fluff, smidge of angst. Chapters will have individual warnings.

Chapter Warnings: Here be the smut! Unprotected PinV Sex, oral (f receiving) fingering, beginnings of a hand job, kind of semi-public sex, tiniest hint of a praise kink if you squint. Also lots of fluff.

Pairings: Dean Winchester x OFC (Julie)

Word Count: 2,762

A/N: Dean and Julie are back! Each part will vary between 500+ and 2000+ words. I will be releasing all the parts today, September 15th, as part of my 1K follower celebration! 😊💓

The parts will be released as follows:

Part 1 - 8:00 AM

Part 2 - 10:00 AM

Part 3 - 12:00 PM

Part 4 - 3:00 PM

Part 5 - 6:00 PM ||

*Times are all based on CST*

A/N 2: So, as I stated this mini-series is part of my 1K followers celebration. For the celebration I asked people to send in gif prompts, or requests for me to write, all of which would be posted on my birthday, which is TODAY! 🎉

I only ended up with 6 prompts/requests, so I thought I would mix the prompts in with my own ideas, and I decided to write this little mini-series as well as a (hopefully) special surprise for those who enjoyed Dean and Julie in Green is My Favorite Color.

At 7:00 PM, I will post my last fic for the celebration, the first chapter of my sequel series, I Will Find You in the Dark!

Hope you enjoy my contributions for the day! 😘😘

This will also fulfill my Writing Prompt: Write about a car ride.

Both beautiful text dividers, below and at the bottom, were created by @talesmaniac89. 💓 Title card was designed by me.

The group swarmed around them, pulling them apart and hugging and congratulating them both.

It was the best day of Julie's life, bar none. Within a few minutes, the pews in the church had been pushed aside to make room for dancing, celebrating, and the general idiocy typical of wedding receptions.

Like magical elves, Jody and Charlie produced delicious food and drinks, from out of nowhere, and Julie hugged them tightly.

"Thank you so much. I don't know what I would have done without you here." She gushed, incapable of keeping tears from her eyes. The three women shared more hugs and cheek kisses, before Dean found his way back to Julie's side and claimed her attention.

As they enjoyed the food and good company, most of the hunters who'd left, returned now that their duties were done, and a couple brought more friends to the party, so there was a decent group present to celebrate their marriage. The night was filled with laughter and music blaring over the PA.

At one point in the evening, Dean told Sam to find "Brown-Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison on his phone, and as the song started, he pulled Julie to her feet for their first dance.

Surprised and thrilled, she clung to Dean and laughed tearfully again, as the whole group joined in on the chorus. Towards the end of the song, others joined them on the makeshift dance floor, and with the focus off of them, Dean pulled Julie flush with his body and sang softly into her ear.

Making love in the green grass

Behind the stadium with you

My brown-eyed girl

You, my brown-eyed girl

The world seemed to narrow to just the two of them and Julie swore to never forget the perfection of this moment.

As the night wore on, the party slowed down, and everyone sat, just chatting in groups, occasionally someone's story would pull the attention of the whole group and they'd all listen in to tales of hunters' adventures. For everyone there, it was a peaceful, happy lull in their otherwise busy, dangerous lives, and they treasured it.

Julie spent most of the evening sitting in Dean's lap, cuddled into his chest with his arms wrapped loosely around her. He had his hands on her constantly, running his fingers through her long hair, or gliding up and down her arms, or squeezing her knee with his big callused hand.

Every touch was a tiny preview of what was to come; he warmed her skin everywhere his fingers pressed, and she relished the anticipation.

As the evening moved into night, the old church became chilly and Julie shivered from something more than just Dean's roaming hands.

Dean held her tighter. "Are you cold?" He asked, pulling his suit jacket from beside him on the pew and wrapping it around her shoulders. He'd long ago abandoned his coat and tie.

Julie nodded as she snuggled into the jacket and into him. "A little."

"Yep, there you go again," Dean teased, "stealing my jacket. Shoulda put that in the vows - 'I promise to always provide you with jackets'."

Julie laughed. "I can't help it, your jackets are cozier than mine." She inhaled deeply. "And they smell like you."

Dean's eyes darkened and he kissed the top of her head and then her lips, ever so gently.

In the deepest, most seductive voice Julie had ever heard, he pressed his lips to the shell of her ear and asked. "What do you say, Mrs Winchester, time to get outta here?"

Julie shivered and then looked up at him through her lashes. "What do you have in mind, Mr. Winchester?"

Dean bit into his bottom lip before speaking in a tone full of innuendo. "Wanna go for a ride?"

Julie answered with a wicked grin. "Well that is a very leading question, sir."

The "sir" brought on a low growl from Dean. "Mmm...yeah it is, and I know exactly where it's leading me."

Suddenly he sprang to his feet, tossing Julie over his shoulder like a sack of flour. She squealed loudly, holding down the back of her skirt, as the guests started laughing, having been jolted out of their quiet conversations.

Dean called out to the group. "'Okay, that's it - time for our honeymoon now so, adios!"

Julie squealed some more and laughed as she pounded his back, until Dean flipped her around so he was carrying her in a much more appropriate bridal style.

Everyone clamored around them, saying their goodbyes and more congratulations. The wedding party pulled out the salt rounds they had set aside for this moment and cracked them open, showering the departing couple with salt.

They were sent from the church with all good wishes and endless love from their friends and found family.

Dean put Julie in the passenger seat before climbing in to the driver's side. As soon as he was settled behind the wheel, however, he pulled Julie unceremoniously into his lap, making her gasp loudly.  He started the car, and peeled out of the church parking lot.

Julie laughed as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "This is so illegal and dangerous." She said without really caring.

With one hand on the wheel, Dean tucked Julie closer to his body. "Nah! Baby's a tank." He rubbed the wheel affectionately with his thumb. "She won't let anything hurt us."

They drove through the darkness, for over an hour, talking about the day, how awful the fight with the demons had been, but how wonderful everything had ended up. They laughed together and sang along to the radio when they liked the song. It was a fantastic start to their married life.

But finally Dean could no longer take the gentle torture of Julie all soft and eager in his arms, pressing kisses to his neck, her sweet, round ass bouncing against his hardening cock with every bump in the highway.

At the very next rest stop he came to, he pulled over to the little open area on the side of the highway, incredibly grateful to see they'd be alone. An audience wouldn't have stopped him, but this way they could leave discretion behind.

"What are we stopping for?" Julie asked, wide, brown eyes pretending innocence.

Dean turned off the ignition and lifted Julie so she was straddling him, knees on either side of his thighs, sinking into the soft leather seats. She balanced herself with her hands on his shoulders, and Dean's hands spanned her waist before running up her back.

"I thought I'd take you out of this pretty little, virginal, white dress." He said, voice husky with desire.

Julie affected a little pout. "Don't you like it?"

Dean moaned long and silky as he ran his rough hands up under the hem of the dress and over her bare thighs, before finding and squeezing the globes of her ass firmly.

"I like it...a lot." He said in between kissing the soft skin just above the neckline of her dress.

"But..." He slid his hand forward along the crease of her thigh until he found her ruined panties and pushed past them to slide two thick fingers inside her. "I know for a fact that the virginal white part is a lie."

She bunched his shirt up in her fists and threw her head back as he slowly pumped in and out of her. Her voice was high-pitched and breathless as she rode his hand. "Well, whose fault is that?"

Dean chuckled as he laid her down on the front seat and slid down the zipper on the side of her dress. "All mine, sweetheart. It's all mine."

He pulled the dress off and laid it gently in the back seat so it wouldn't be ruined. Then he slowly released the many small hooks along the front of the lacy, half corset thing she'd been wearing beneath the dress so she didn't need a bra.

She sighed with relief as the last hook popped the garment open. Dean tutted and shook his head as he saw the long, red lines the wired underthing had left on her pale skin.

He kissed all along the marks, his soft lips sliding across her skin and his tongue laving soothingly across the redness. He reached her right breast and captured her nipple in his teeth.

She moaned raggedly, pushing her hands into his hair. He then pulled the flesh of her breast between his plump lips, drawing deeply. He raised his hand and palmed her other breast, kneading it roughly before placing soft kisses along the valley of her breasts, trailing them down her torso.

"You're so perfect, Jules, so soft, so..." He reached the waistband of her panties and nipped her skin there. "You're just so fucking hot."

He yanked down her panties. "And I need to taste you so badly."

He pushed her legs open, one of them bracing against the floor of the car and the other bent over Dean's shoulder. He contorted his body slightly in the confines of the car, and lifted her hips towards him as though she was the most decadent meal.

He breathed in her scent deeply before burying his face in her heat, sucking and licking, and making her squirm against his hold, simultaneously desperate for more, while also trying to catch her breath and get a break from the blinding pleasure he was delivering.

But Dean held her tight against his mouth, refusing to give up the delicacy of her sweet and tangy juices. He nibbled lightly on her clit, running his teeth feather light over the hard nub and Julie reared up off the seat, digging her heel into his back in a bid to get closer to his mouth.

Dean gave her what she needed, dipping his tongue into her entrance a half dozen times before she screamed and came, shuddering wildly against his mouth.

Dean took her leg from over his shoulder and set it on the seat, as he moved up to lay over her. The air was cool, and her skin was covered in gooseflesh. Bracing himself on his elbow, Dean ran his right hand down Julie's body.

"Are you cold again, sweetheart?" Julie nodded, still breathless and fuzzy-headed.

Dean chuckled softly. "Well, you're laying on my jacket, so I'll have to warm you up another way." He said as he rose to his knees and stripped off his white button down.

Julie sighed with pleasure as she reached up to run her hands across the broad, thick muscles of his torso, her fingernails scraping softly through the light-colored trail of hair that dipped below his waistband.

She unbuckled his belt and undid the button on his pants, rubbing him through his underwear. Dean's breath caught in his throat and he put his hand on Julie's, curling her fingers tighter around his cock.

"Uhn, fuck." Dean groaned and Julie was encouraged to pull down his pants and underwear, letting his rock hard dick spring out. She gripped him in her hand and he was so thick she could barely close her fingers around him.

She pumped her hand up and down a few times, loving the silky, hot feel of his skin. She let go of him for a moment, dipping her fingers into the slick that pooled between her thighs and using her wetness as lubrication as she pumped him harder and faster.

Dean let out a groan that turned into a growl as she squeezed the head of his shaft and ran her thumb across his wet slit. He bucked hard into her hand before he grabbed her wrist to pull her hand away.

He moved over her again, pinning down the wrist he still held, above her head.

"Fuck, sweetheart," he whispered hot and rough against the side of her neck, "I wanna bury myself in you completely, come inside you so deep, and if you keep touching me, I'm just gonna spill all over your hand like a horny teenager."

Julie giggled breathlessly as he sucked on her pulse point and then trailed his fingertips back down her body, sinking two fingers into her cunt and scissoring her open, getting her ready for him.

She cried out in ecstasy as the rough pads of his fingers found her sweet spot and swept across it.

"Dean, oh god, please! Need it, please fuck!" She chanted nonsensically.

"What do you need, sweetheart, tell me?" Dean encouraged as he pressed harder on the spongey spot inside her, taking her to the edge before pulling back, and making her whimper with need.

"Please, you. Please." She said, arching her back, chasing his fingers.

But in spite of his straining, leaking cock, Dean wouldn't relent until she told him.

"Use your words, Jules, what do you need? Open your eyes and tell me."

Julie opened her eyes and looked at him and he almost came on the spot from the look of tortured bliss in her eyes.

Her voice was hoarse with wanting him. "I need you to fill me up, pound into me, pour into me." She reached down and dug her nails into his plump ass, pushing him towards her. "And I need it now. Fuck Dean! Now!" She demanded hooking both her legs around the back of his thighs and pushing again.

He grunted rough as he lined himself up at her entrance. "Good girl." He praised her before slamming into her in one long, hard stroke.

Julie groaned deliciously and Dean began flicking his tongue over her pert nipples and rubbing his middle finger in tight circles against her clit.

He slowed down his thrusts wanting to make the moment last as long as possible. It was their first time making love as a married couple and there was something magical about it to Dean. He'd never admit it, but watching Julie open her body to him, pull him in deep, seeing the intense pleasure sweep across her face made his chest tighten and moisture gather in his eyes.

She was just so beautiful. And she was his; she'd promised to be his forever.

He shifted his hand from where it gripped her wrist, and instead grabbed her hand, entwining his fingers with hers. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and rocked his hips against her.

With every thrust, his pelvic bone rubbed deliciously against her clit and Julie let out small sighs and groans, desperately kneading the muscles in his back with her free hand.

Dean gripped Julie's hand tightly, squeezing her fingers and groaning into her neck as she clenched around his cock, coming hard and scratching her nails down his back.

He slammed home with one more thrust before cursing loudly and spilling hot and deep inside her, her name repeating on his lips.

With his heart hammering hard against his ribs, he rolled them so that they faced each other. He tucked Julie up against the back of the seat, wrapping his leg over hers and pulling his jacket around her shoulders so she wouldn't get too cold, while he held her.

He wasn't ready to let go of her just yet.

He looked down at her face as her breathing slowed and saw her eyelashes were wet with tears.

"Jules?" He asked, wiping his thumb across her damp cheek.

She opened her eyes and caught his gaze, and the love pouring from her warm amber eyes humbled him completely. She reached her hand up and ran her fingertips along his brow bone, down over his nose, along the sensual curve of his lip.

"I'm good." She whispered. "I just love you so much, and I'm so happy."

Dean kissed her fingertips and then pulled them away so he could kiss first her eyelids and then her mouth. "Me too, Jules. I'm so good."

He kissed her again. "I love you." He whispered against her lips. "And that's never gonna change. No matter what's ahead of us, I need you to know that. I mean, know it in your soul."

Julie nodded and new tears fell. "I need you to know the same. I will always love you, and I'll always want to be your wife."

Dean smiled. "Even when I break my vow and throw my clothes on the floor?" He said teasingly to keep his own tears at bay.

Julie smiled warmly, aware of what he was doing. She kissed him chastely and wrapped her arms around him tightly.

"Even then. Always."

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[sainz-zayn]

Treacherous 01.

Treacherous (adj.)  guilty of or involving betrayal or deception.

Warnings: vulgar foreign language/ foul language, sexual and suggestive themes, betrayal/ betrayal between Johnjae, Illegal drug dealing, mention of blood and wounds, use of gun, smoking, mention of death/ murder, minor character death. This is my first time writing a kind of detailed smut and it`s badly written I`m sorry. I don`t know much about law but I tried since this is kind of Vincenzo au a little far from it but kind of like that and I`m amateur when it come`s to writing again I`m sorry. All Italian/foreign words came from google translate.

► Part 2

Word Count: 10.1k 

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this story even those based on real people are entirely fictional.

"Envious causes jealousy and jealousy causes hatred, hatred turns Treacherous causing sins to one another,"  you said letting out a sarcastic chortle.

 "Revenge, you said you want your revenge and I`m more than happy and dreadful to help you" his eyes are flaming and burning fire the beast inside him threatening to come out as anger forms and creeps inside him.

"I`m still not satisfied" you retorted emphasizing each word that is coming out of your lips. 

Takara Nakajima is one of the most corrupted Lawyers under Gongpyeong law firm has the dirtiest secret and dirt under their family`s name, the enemy of Ferrante`s. One of the cases you need to solve without any of your relatives knowing except for your one adopted cousin Johnny Jun Suh also distinguished as John Ivano Ferrante American/Korean, an Italian citizen.

"Where are you at 10:00 PM when the victim is rape?" His lawyer asked pacing back in forth waiting for the employer to answer.

"Again I will ask you where are you at exactly 10:00 PM when the victim is rape?" the lawyer questioned the employer again you can see that the employer is fidgeting his fingers and his eyes wandering the room one of the signs that he can be guilty.

"I-I`m home that night I didn`t do anything I didn`t put drugs in her drinks," the employer asserted.

"Objection your honor, Under sexual violence prevention and victims protection act, article 36 any person who dismisses a victim from employment or takes any other measure unfavorable to a victim, in violation of Article 8, shall be punished by imprisonment with labor. In the sexual violence prevention and victims protection act, article 8 No employer shall dismiss any victim or take any other unfavorable measure against him or her on the ground that he or she is the victim of sexual violence and this is what exactly what the employer doing now" you glance at the employer who is accused of doing sexual assault and attempted rape still contradicting what he has done.

"And let me ask one question please allow me your honor" you face the judge waiting for his approval.

"Let`s hear it" the judge simply said and you bow at him.

"No one, not even the police or anyone talks about you putting drugs on her drink, or perhaps you really did?" you ask the employer with anticipation waiting for him to reveal the truth and justice will be served.

"I didn`t, I said I didn`t! byeongsin saekki" the employer said and you glare at him for swearing.

"Your honor this footage from the witness will prove that he's guilty of the accusation that he`s getting" you fight back and you give the flash drive to them and insert it.

"Your honor we decline to accept this evidence!" the lawyer of the defendant said.

"It`s still evidence from the witness you have no choice," you said crossing your arms.

"Quiet! let`s watch the evidence" the judge proclaims making you all stop.

They watch the video of the girl being hauled in a dark place and how the employer does something very unpleasant and the video finishes again and now you still have the victory.

"Employer 5890 will be punished with imprisonment with labor for not more than three years" the judge announces and finalize it with the victim's family crying for winning the case. You walk out of the court with the cold aura you have going back to your office again.

"Congratulations Y/n or should I say, Chiara Allesandra Ferrante," the person said sarcastically you look at your mortal enemy worst of the worst Takara Nakajima daughter of Nakajima Hiroto owner of Nakajima Enterprises.

"Shut it Nakajima Takara" you rolled your eyes at her purposely bumping your shoulder to hers making her huff.

"Just accept it that you can`t win a single case without bribing the judge how pathetic of you Na.Ka.Ji.Ma" you emphasize her surname with a mocking tone making sure she heard it even though you`re not facing her.

"What did you just say? Apologize now!" Takara is a partner in the Gongpyeong law firm and one of the bossiest ones.

"Mi dispiace, patetico moccioso" you purposely said it since she`s Japanese and she won`t be able to understand that you say "I`m sorry you pathetic brat." you leave her with a teasing grin tainted in your lips.

"What did you just say!?" Takara said stomping her feet to the ground.

"Goodbye," you sing while walking away from her.

You open the door of your office startled by Johnny who is admiring your office, you promptly ran in his direction and hug him as tight as you could. Johnny Suh or John Ivano is not just someone who is adopted for you, you see him as an older brother and a best friend. He is one of the best lawyers in the country and also known worldwide, renowned, and acknowledge as John Ivano Ferrante. Raised by two Italian couples at the age of 3, his parents died in a car accident the cause is still not solved after years of striving for justice to be served. But there is one saying in the Ferrante clan; Never trust anybody because you can find faults and sin even in the most righteous person.

"Ivano!" you jumped to him making him carry you in his arms while you`re clinging to him like a koala.

"Johnny, just call me Johnny" he let out a breathy chortle removing you from his tight grasp shuffling your hair the height difference didn`t help at all.

"Don`t mess up my hair my hairstylist is not available right now, you know Ivano" you emphasize his name teasingly because he doesn`t like to be called Ivano in private unless you called him John.

"Then stop calling me Ivano I`m Johnny okay? want me to spell it out for you?" Johnny raised his eyebrows at you while crossing his arms.

"Fine, fine sorry" you grin at him and shove him off of your chair to sit in it comfortably.

"So? when did you come back? you should have told me you know" you rant at him opening your laptop to explicate to him the new plan that you two have been plotting for approximately 5 years.

"I just got here yesterday night, what`s with the change of plan?" Johnny asked, making his self comfortable on the couch in front of you.

" We can`t stick to the old plan it might affect the others if we continue it so I change it, here look" Johnny stood up from his seat to move to your table and check the new plan.

"Illegal drugs transaction to sexual attraction?" Johnny read it with a furrowed eyebrows analyzing all of the pictures.

"Yes, Nakajima has been selling and importing drugs tricking their clients to buy it by using sexual attraction it`s been going on since the 2000s there are 5 lawyers who fight for this case but Nakajima is always playing the game dirty" you explain to him solemnly, showing him different files and pictures.

"I did some research about them last week the drug dealing is still going on around, we`re still finding Tajimamori Yamamoto one of their oldest lawyer and the most trusted. In the year 1998 Tajimamori fight for the Nakajima case until in the year 2000, Tajimamori just suddenly disappear out of nowhere without any traces. He`s the ace card that we need to find" Johnny explains tapping his fingers on the table, eyebrows furrowed.

"We don`t have much time left, we need to finish this within 6 months we can`t afford to lose this time" you lean back to your chair pinching your nose bridge.

Once this case opens up and once you win the case the Nakajima will fall, Takara Nakajima, you better get ready.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold," you said while clasping your hands together.

"Va servito freddo, that`s the spirit Y/n" Johnny smirk and so did you, without Johnny, this thing will be absurdity and nothing.

"Since you win a new case today lunch is on me c`mon let`s go," Johnny said and you take your purse and clung your arms to his, flashing him a bright smile.

Johnny drives into a nearby restaurant pulling up his car to the parking area when your phone opens by itself with a vibrate. Sign that someone is calling you, you look at Johnny and he nods at you as a gesture to answer the phone. He still didn`t turn off the ignition so you stay in the car and answer the phone.

"Hello? who is this?" you stated through the phone pretending that you don`t know the person calling you.

"Hi, I`m the Information hacker that you`ve called last week I just landed in Korea, can you tell me where I can meet you? I`m in your office right now." the person answered you playing along with your silly joke.

"Oh yeah, I`m in a nearby restaurant I`ll send you the address please feel free to join us for lunch," you said politely to the phone and ended it, you send the address and you go in with Johnny.

"Is that the Information hacker?" Johnny asked with a little off tone in his voice.

"Yeah, I invited him for lunch" you answered him and he only nodded.

"Ms. Ferrante?" you and Johnny heard someone called your name and you stood up from your sit to greet the person.

"It was nice to meet you" you greet him and he gives you a smile showing his whites pearly.

"The pleasure is mine," the guy said back and you smile at him.

"My name is..." the guy was about to Introduced himself when Johnny hastily cut him off.

"Ten Adriano Rossi" Johnny said while wiping his lips with a napkin.

"How did you know him?" you look at Johnny curiously, gesturing Ten to seat with a jaunty grin.

"Don`t you recognize him? he`s ten!" Johnny said calmly.

"Ten lee!?" you exclaimed acting like you don`t know him and he smiled at you opening his arms for you to hug him.

"I`m still here you know?" Johnny cleared his throat and rolled his eyes at you and Ten.

"Okay, okay no more funny business and let`s proceed to the plan," Ten said.

Johnny explained all of the new plans to Ten including the outline of the goals, objectives, measurements, action steps, and responsibilities for each step and negotiation.

"Here`s the information that you need about Tajimamori Yamamoto, he`s seen last week at Osaka and Tokyo and he soon flies to Toronto, Canada." Ten spoke and he settled the brown envelope on the table making sure no one is listening or looking at your conversation.

"Also, yesterday I was hacking the system of Nakajima enterprises but when this confidential file suddenly showed up, I think it`s the record of the money they have been Illegally pocketing," Ten said, sipping the coffee from the cup. The serious look never fading from his face.

"We should keep all of this evidence in a private place where we can easily find it but no one can, once we puzzled this informations and evidence we can open up the case against them with solid evidence that can make them fall," Johnny responded.

Get ready Nakajima the person who will destroy you is already plotting your worst nightmare, Il karma è un boomerang, il mio amato nemico; "karma is a boomerang, my beloved enemy."

Johnny and Ten excuses themselves for a minute to talk about something more private leaving you alone to clear your mind, when renjun`s number pops up on your phone screen. You didn`t answer it at first maybe he was just gonna ask you to buy something on your way home, it`s the 5th time he`s been calling you and it`s like he doesn`t want to stop until you answer. So, you finally answer the phone.

"Y/n!? what the fuck!? I`ve been calling you!" Renjun said through the phone the stress and nervousness in his voice are obvious.

"Watch your language Renjun, what is this time?" you asked him with a stern voice.

"Y/n, you need to get home we have a problem it`s hard to explain just go home right now okay?" Renjun said and he quickly cut the call.

You texted Johnny that you will go home first and he replied "Drive safe" that`s enough for you, you quickly drive to your home it`s a minute drive from the restaurant to home but you could care less how fast you`re driving right now. You know Renjun more than anyone, by just the tone of his voice you already know that something is off. Getting out of the car, you open the door of your house with Renjun behind Doyoung while pacing back and forth biting the tip of his finger.

"What`s going on!?" you asked them, sitting on the couch with heavy breathing.

"Doyoung, Hyung accidentally hack our own system, and the tax evasion record of Tremblay corp is locked and can`t be open" Renjun explained while Doyoung is fully focusing on the computer his finger tapping it so fast.

"What!? Kim Doyoung!" you said his name a little louder making him face you.

"Eojjeorago!? If Haechan is not being an ass and if he didn`t annoy me earlier I wouldn't have accidentally hacked our system!" Doyoung said, asking you what do you want him to do about it a little louder than yours.

"Geuraeso mwo!? I was telling you about the codes but you keep shoving me off!" Haechan fight back and Renjun and you sit there pinching your nose bridge in unison.

"Yah! you two come here now!" you exclaimed a little higher and louder than usual, the two of them stand in front of you and you stood up from your sit grabbing your handbag. At first, you calmly smile at them before hitting them lightly with your bag making them ran away and you chase them.

"Kim Doyoung! Lee Haechan! get your ass in here!" you yelled at them and their playful laugh is only what you heard.

"Y/n, calm down!" Renjun yelled while the three of you, Doyoung, and Haechan is running around the living room.

"Wait, let me explain okay!? Mianhe" Doyoung stops running holding his hands to his chest breathing heavily with Haechan. While Renjun is just standing there his hands resting on his hips stifling his laughter.

"Fine! and you two Johnny and Ten!" you glare at them, Johnny gulps and so did Ten awkwardly scratching their neck.

"You said that you`re just gonna talk in private but why are you two here!?  you two went here first leaving me there!" you grab the pillow and throw it at them luckily they dodge it.

"Now explain" you sat back on the couch a sigh escaping your lips while rubbing your temple softly.

Doyoung explained everything about the system and how he can claim it back in just a few minutes and that`s enough to ease your worries. Of course, you trust Doyoung so much he`s like your sibling but losing all of the confidential files is different.

"Yun-o, this is the information we gathered about Chiara Allesandra Ferrante she`s also known as Y/n," Yuta said and he leaves the office when another person enters the door.

"Stop investigating her, you will get nothing" Johnny glares at Yun-o who is peacefully sipping the wine.

"Why? is it because she`s your cousin or maybe something else?" Yun-o dropped the envelope on the table chuckling at his response at Johnny.

"Stop putting any malice about me being protective to her will you? Jaehyun il ragazzo innamorato" Johnny tease him by calling him il ragazzo innamorato;"The lover boy"

"Well, stai zitto Ivano" Jaehyun tease back making Johnny glared at him again. stai zitto Ivano; "Shut up Ivano"

Jaehyun or Yun-o owner of Neo tech enterprises, one of the most successful men in South Korea, a pile of girls ready to get in his pants and ready to risk everything just for him. Jaehyun has a visual like Goddess if you`re gonna describe perfection many will use him as an example. Looks, style, professionalism, maturity you can see it all in him.

"I`m warning you Jaehyun," Johnny said seriously taking another sip of wine from his glass.

"I won`t do anything I swear" Jaehyun patted his best friend's shoulder going back to his seat.

"How`s the branch in New york going?" Jaehyun brought up the conversation about their joint company.

"It`s doing good, nothing bad so far but we might get ready we don`t know what will happen. I guess you know what I`m talking about since you`re investigating Y/n" Johnny responded, leaning to his seat with eyes shut. A lot is going on in his mind these days, and half of it is you.

"Well, we are well prepared for that. Just tell me whenever you need my help and by the way, I met Mr. Tremblay last week he seems like he`s in a hurry so we don`t have much time to talk" Jaehyun said staring into a space in his room going deep in his thoughts.

"Yeah, and I heard that his son is hitting on Y/n, his son is an amateur piece of shit," Johnny said letting out a "tsk" gulping down the wine he's drinking making Jaehyun sneer at Johnny.

"Jealousy, dude" Jaehyun tantalized.

"Shut up!" Johnny groaned.

"Ms. Ferrante you need to go with us!" The door of your office suddenly opens with a loud bang making you jolt in your sit and so did Kun.

"What!? this is absurd" Kun defended you holding your wrist preventing the officer from dragging you away.

"No, Kun it`s okay just call Johnny it`ll be fine," you said calmly before grabbing your bag, the police officer assisting you to follow them.

"I`ll come with you," Kun said keeping up with your pace of the walk.

Everyone outside the building is looking at you, sparing you one glance whispering to their partner's ears. Is gossiping a new trend now? it`s funny how people will talk about you and judge you easily when you just show them the part of you that you want them to see and they will act like they know the whole story of your life.

Arriving at the station the officer asked you to sit down so the interview will start.

"We`ll go straight to the point Ms. Ferrante, someone pointed out that you have been selling drugs and there`s one found in your car yesterday. We can finish this up if you cooperated with us" the police interrogated you, showing the evidence.

"I don`t sell drugs, I don`t do drugs, I never keep one," you said rolling your eyes.

"Then what is this then? a laundry powder?" the police ask sarcastically.

"Guarda, I`m not here so just you can tell and ask your not so lame jokes I said what I said, and can I possibly know who reported this bullshit?" you ask squinting your eyes at the officer, you`re not really like this but since you`re stress and for a woman who has a lot of works to do. This interview is a burden.

"Pick up, pick up, fucking pick up!" Kun grew impatient when Johnny is not answering his calls and messages after trying and trying Johnny finally answered the phone.

"Kun take it easy I`m with Jaehyun right now" and Johnny can feel that Kun has an irritated emotion written on his face right now.

"Yeah, you`re with Jaehyun right now while Y/n and I are in the police station right now uhuh," Kun said.

"Come here right now we need you" and then he ends the call waiting outside until the interview ends.

Hours have passed and the interrogating is still going on and Kun is still waiting for you. Johnny finally arrived, fixing the suit that he`s wearing he asked Kun where you are and he assists Johnny inside.

"John Ivano Ferrante, I`m Y/n`s lawyer," Johnny said full of professionalism.

They settled the problem after almost another 1 hour they finally let you leave. Out of curiosity and frustration wondering who decided to frame you. Of course, Takara is one of the options but maybe there is someone else.

"Can I ask who reported me?" letting out a hiss you ask the officer that arrested you.

"No" the officer simply responded to your question and Johnny holds your right arms. Johnny and you are ready to leave but you still want to know who it is so you turn around again.

"won`t you really gonna tell me?" you ask one more time and that`s enough for Johnny to drag you along with him.

"C`mon let`s go" Johnny drag you along with him but you keep removing his grip.

"One last question, please?" you look at Johnny with puppy eyes but it didn`t work so you stop it and stand straight walking out by yourself but before that, you punch his arms lightly enough for him to hold his arms before walking out.

"I hate you" and Johnny only smiles at himself like a fool before following you outside.

You walk outside and took a deep breath, you look for Kun only to see him leaning in Johnny`s car. You walk to him and he smiles at you.

"Thank you," you said at him.

"Kun, can you drive Y/n home for me? I gotta go somewhere," Johnny said giving Kun the key car. Sparing you a glance but you didn`t bother looking at him back, as if he`s not in front of you.

You go home with Kun the two of you use Johnny`s car and you`re worried about him you really do. The rain keeps pouring and it`s getting darker, more hours pass and you grew more worried the rain is getting heavy. You`re thinking how Johnny will get home in this weather, you lean your head against the windowpane the raindrops sliding outside of the pane when you see a glimpse of a familiar figure.

You ran downstairs as fast as you could grabbing a soft towel with you before opening the door. It`s Johnny, Johnny is soaked wet his hair sticking out in every direction possible, a cut in the lips, and bleeding knuckles. You look up at him with worried eyes and he smiled at you. You don`t know what to say but your next action makes him feel at ease, you hug him your chest touching his. The skin contact that makes him feel comfort.

"What happened?" you asked, you don`t know why you are tearing up when he`s the one in pain. He caressed your face softly and he still didn`t say anything. You invited him inside because it`s his home too. You hold his wrist guiding him in one of the rooms, you don`t know if it`s your room but you could care less until you put an ointment and bandage in his wounds. You make Johnny sit on the bed and handed him a towel while you go in the bathroom to get the things you needed.

You slowly applied the ointment on Johnny`s lips where the cut is while your hands are slightly shaking, not minding the tears that are brimming out of your eyes. You next hold his hands to yours softly and more tear brim in your eyes, you`re so weak when it comes to Johnny and you don`t know what to feel about it.

"I-I`ll do it," Johnny said removing his hands from yours before you grab it again.

"No! I`ll do it!" you said through your sobs, wiping your tears away.

"I can do..." you didn`t let Johnny what he was about to say because you know what it is.

"No! I`ll do it, you said you`re just gonna go somewhere but why do you have this cut and wounds in your body!? I hate it!" you said letting it out as your sobs get louder and Johnny only stayed silent. You covered his knuckles with a bandage softly while he let out a loud hiss.

"You`re strong but why do you let your body take all of this!? you know I hate it when something like this happens to you" you exclaimed tears are still falling from your eyes, you touch the cut on his lips again making him hiss.

The two of you stare at each other for a brief moment and Johnny brushes away the strands of hair that are covering your face when your emotion took over you. Your lips landed on his soft ones with your eyes closed he didn`t kiss back, you`re about to pull away when he holds your nape kissing you back. The two of you stay like that for a fleeting moment.

The two of you pulled away forehead resting on one another when the bedsheet cover suddenly moves revealing Ten with a teasing grin making you pull away from Johnny.

"Is it necessary to make out in my room?" Ten asked still wearing the annoying teasing grin on his face.

"S-shut up!" you said and you walk out of the room leaving Johnny and Ten alone.

"How is it?" Ten didn`t stop teasing Johnny so he grabs the pillow and throws it at ten softly before plopping down at the bed letting his body sink in it.

You open the door of your room and you straightly go to your bed burying your face at the pillow out of embarrassment, tossing around the bed messing it up.

"Did you just kiss your cousin? did you just kiss Johnny Suh? It`s okay, right? the two of us are not blood-related anyways so nothing to worry about yes? no?" burying your face on the pillow once again letting out a muffled scream.

The boys decided to have dinner all at once at home so they ordered food for all of you they start calling you, you just keep answering "Okay" so they decided to stop when your stomach makes a grumbling noise. You open the door of your room only to see Johnny`s fist in the air may be to knock? and you look down.

"A-about earlier" you`re about to apologize to Johnny when he cuts you off.

"It`s okay don`t flutter yourself," Johnny said with a smile and you go downstairs with him.

"Don`t Flutter? who said I`m fluttering myself!?" you scoffed and walk past him closing your eyes for a moment from embarrassment.

"Hey, wait up!" Johnny said grabbing your shoulders.

"Let me walk with you" he added.

The rest of you gathered in the dining room. Laughter, warmth, comfort, are filling up the whole room. Oh, gosh you know how much you miss this after almost a year of not being complete you on the times where you only have Renjun, Jaemin, and Haechan besides you.

"This pizza tastes delicious don`t you think so?" you nodded and giggled, your cheeks stuffed with pizza. All of you are laughing that you didn`t even realize who`s the person beside you, you stay silent for a moment before y`all turn your head once again to the person beside you.

"Mark Lee!" you exclaimed locking him with a tight hug.

"Dude, I can`t breath," Mark said tapping your back lightly and you back away.

"Sorry I got carried away" you beam at him and every one of them hugs him what a beautiful and pleasant event.  

"Announcement! we`re all having a party tomorrow so don`t miss out, I`ll tell y`all the location" Mark happily announced, and y`all cheered stuffing your mouth with food.

You excuse yourself to talk with Mark in private, the two of you sat in the living room looking around before proceeding to talk. Mark looks at you with confused eyes.

"So, what`s going on with Mr. Tremblay?" You asked Mark and now he finally understands.

"About that, he`s company is not doing well plus his son keeps asking me about you that I can`t even go on with a day without him asking me things about you since I sign a partnership with them," Mark answered with a sigh before pulling you into a hug and you rest your head to his arms.

"Is Takara invited to the party?" you ask him while you stare at the ceiling and he plays with your hair.

"Yes, she`s Invited" Mark simply responded.

"Can I ask you a favor for tomorrow?" you asked while looking back up at him.

"Sure, what is it?" you smiled at him for agreeing at first he didn`t buy the idea but there`s no way he can say no to you.

"Thank you, Mark!" you cheered.

"Papà! you should`ve decline! out of all people why Takara!?" you barged in your father`s office throwing a tantrum as soon as you go face to face with him.

"Don`t raise voice at me Y/n! I`m still your father" your father defends which makes you more frustrated.

"Papà! you know that we can`t have any connection with them when it comes to running a company! this might ruin my plan why did you let them sign the contract!" you can`t help but raise your voice frustration is creeping inside you and you can`t help but let it out.

"Trust me Y/n this will help you sooner or later you will realize it," your father said. How can he be so calm when you`re out here in front of him letting your frustration out.

"Cazzo! this is ridiculous!" you fight back.

"Watch your language Y/n!" you had enough and you don`t think you can go on with this conversation.

"I`m done okay? I`m done!" you left your father`s office angrily closing the door walking fast not caring if anyone is looking.

Your father just makes a contract of partnership with Nakajima`s that makes you infuriated early in the morning. How can he sign an agreement with them?

"Did I just mention the plan to my father!? No, don`t worry Y/n he won`t get it" you talk to yourself taking a deep breath before entering your car, you called Johnny and tell him to meet you in your office in an hour.

"Why did you call me here?" Johnny asked while leaning in the doorway.

"Nice timing let`s go and help me find a dress to wear" you dragged him with you.

Johnny keeps whining about how you can ask for Wendy`s help but you keep shutting him from talking, you tried so many dresses and he keeps saying no which makes you pissed off. You choose a dress a long one and a short one for an option you bought it, it was color red you choose the long one with a deep sidecut that shows the skin of your legs.

Arriving at the party it`s fabulous and it`s full of people around your age mid-20s and the ones in their 20s you spend the whole night drinking when this beautiful handsome man approaches you.

"Pleasure to meet you I`m Jung Jaehyun," He said offering his hands for you to shake it.

"Ciara Allessandra Ferrante but I`m more comfortable being called Y/n plus don`t act dumb I know you. I`m not a fool I know you hire someone to follow me and investigate me, I know by this time you know all of my plans but don`t worry I know you're trustworthy, and you`re friends with my friends." you took his hands to yours and you gladly shake it.

"Jaehyun? I`ve been looking for you" you heard a familiar voice and you`re completely sure it`s Johnny.

"Chill," Jaehyun said with a smile.

"Ciao Y/n I hope you will like my April fools surprise," she said slipping away the wine your holding.

Takara already left and the whole place gets full and crowded with businessmen, suddenly everyone becomes quiet when the news starts playing.

"Breaking news the well-known CEO and Founder of Phoenix corporation have been found dead at exactly 8:30 PM in his house there`s still no answer what is the cause of death" everyone gasp and you can feel a tear escaping your eyes.

"Papà, this is not real!" you said and you walk out of the party going to your dad but Johnny prevented you from doing so.

"Let go!" you said removing his grasp and he holds you tight to his embrace.

"Your father asked me a favor to not make you see him, he wants you to see him when he`s in the coffin" you didn`t hug him back but you keep crying.

"He`s still my father Johnny I want to see him!" you fight back pushing him through his chest but he won't budge. Of course, he`s stronger than you.

"Let`s go home tomorrow you`ll see him" Johnny whispered at you and you can see Jaehyun looking at you with pity in his eyes.

"You!" you point at Jaehyun.

"Me?" he answered.

"Yes, you who else?" you talk.

"I want you to join us I know that`s your whole point of investigating me anyway," you said sternly and they all look at you.

"What?" you rolled your eyes at them.

"Tomorrow we have something to do, we`ll make our first move of the plan starting tomorrow I can`t tolerate this anymore after what Nakajimas do to my father.

You throw the glass of wine you`re holding in the wall staining it red, your hands holding tight the table with fire eyes in your eyes throwing daggers anger, guilt, and sorrow that`s all you can feel right now.

"It`s hard to enter that place unless you`re a guess they will let you in mostly couples. So, we need you and Jaehyun to pretend like the two of you are a couple" Jeno spoke you`re about to complain but Johnny already did.

"Couple!? them!?" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, anything wrong with that?" Jeno questioned.

"Nothing" he responded almost whining.

The whole planning already finishes and you`re in your room with Johnny laying in your bed comfortably tossing around.

"I don`t get it out of all people in this house why you and Jaehyun?" Johnny complains while you dry your hair.

"There`s nothing wrong with that plus I think Jaehyun kinda look handsome" you try to test the water and how he would react.

"Yeah, right whatever do whatever you want"  Johnny rolled his eyes and you giggled at his response.

"Jealous now are we?" you teased.

"Me Jealous? no way" he said facing the other side of the bed.

"How about we date? I mean it`s not like we`re blood-related we can easily cut ties and we can announce it for the world to know after we make the Nakajimas fall. Sounds good yeah? no?" you ask him seriously and he faces you.

"Really? like for real? but I`m 2 years older than you thought" he said caressing your face softly.

"It`s not like we have a big age gap, why don`t we try it?" you talked scooting closer to him.

"I don`t see why not?" he replied and you smiled at him.

"Does this mean we`re official?" Johnny asks you.

"Yes, baby," you said teasingly.

"Call me that again," he said back.

"No way" you replied and he hugs you, you spend the whole night with Johnny and the two of you surely have fun. It`s doing okay until Kun decided to barge in your room without even knocking.

"We found Tajimamori Yamamoto he`s currently in Tokyo right now, Johnny we need to fly to Tokyo this might be the last chance that we have to find him," Kun said showing the taken picture of Tajimamori leaving his car.

"We`ll fly tomorrow morning we need Jungwoo to come with us, get everything ready" Johnny responds as you stay quiet.

"Go and pack your things, Kun I`ll book you a flight" you talk and Johnny looks at you before standing up.

"I`ll help you pack your things" you added and he gave you a peck on the lips.

"How many days do you think you will stay there?" you ask him.

"For at least 5 days or 7," he answered.

"Take care make sure you come back without any scars I don`t want to lose you like my dad" you softly said, caressing his face to your hands.

You helped Johnny pack his things and you already book them a flight that will leave tomorrow morning. You slept in Johnny`s room and you make sure to embrace him because you can`t see him personally for at least 5 days or 7.

You wake up without Johnny by your side instead you wake up with Doyoung and Haechan bickering outside the room door, you tried to cover your ears with the pillow but you decided that it`ll be better if you stand up and stop them.

"Finally you wake up! go and take a bath we have a lot of things to do today" Ten said pushing you to your room as you watch the house gets chaotic every second.

"Tax evasion, Illegal drug dealing, murder, sexual assault. We can sue them by using this plus we have Tajimamori as a witness" you explain, gripping the marker your holding too hard that it makes your palms white.

"I can`t hack the system of Nakajima the file that holds their tax evasion can`t be open I need to be somewhere close to them," Ten said along with Doyoung, all of you think of a way to hack their system.

"Tremblay, Tremblay corp! we can enter Mr. Tremblay's office easily since he`s in Canada I heard that he will be back this Saturday. Mark, you can help us right? you're the only one who is closest to him" you talk as you wait for Mark`s answer.

"Yes, that`ll be easy since his secretary knows me. After that, we can finally file the case and go on, but the only problem is that Jungwoo texted me that they`re having a hard time since they land in Japan. Tajimamori seems to notice that they`re following him" Mark let out a sigh and so did you.

"Can we stop this for a moment there`s nothing but a problem here since I arrived," Mark said which makes you slightly offended at his statement?

"What did you just say?" you asked him with a stern voice.

"Look, Im tired okay?" Mark groaned.

"Neither am I but did you ever hear me complain!?" you fight back.

"Everything is not about you! not everything revolves around you so please if you don`t mind I`ll excuse myself for a moment" Mark leaves the room frustrated, he doesn`t know what`s wrong with him but he knows it`s wrong to let out his anger and frustration at you when you feel just the same way as him. He`s not been himself this fast few days because of what happened to your late father who treats him like he is his own son.

"Y`all can rest if you want, you can leave too if you want to, just say it you all know that I`m not forcing y`all into this," you speak softly before leaving the room with a small smile but deep inside you`re hurt.

You took a deep breath after leaving the room you saw Mark in the living room, you tried avoiding his gaze scared that he`s still not in the mood to talk. He`s watching the TV and you stop in your track when you heard the news, you look at the TV and you can see Wendy`s house and they blurred the body, you know it`s Wendy just by the body you know it`s her out of all people why does the world decide to be cruel to you.

"No, no, not her please tell me it`s not her" you broke down in tears as Mark catches you in his arms, you fell to your knees as your sobs et louder while Mark tries to comfort you. Jaehyun watch what`s happening in front of him, he does feel bad for you. You ran upstairs and grab your keys going outside with others trying to prevent you from leaving.

"Y/n, stop!" Mark`s hold your wrist while you look at him with teary eyes.

"No, Mark I have to see my best friend please, please let go" you remove his grip and he stays quiet as he watches your small figure enter your car.

You arrived at the hospital where you see your best friend's cold and pale body.

"How can they be so heinous!? why do they have to kill you!?" you cry in front of your best friend`s lifeless body.

"Just let it out" you look at the person beside you and it`s Jaehyun, did he follow you? you wiped your tears away standing back up.

"Why did you follow me?" you asked.

"Because you`re not in the right condition right now and I know there`s a lot more going on in your minds" you look at him, his side profile is surely attractive and also comforting.

"Thank you Jaehyun I know I just met you personally last week but I mean it" you spoke softly and he smiled, facing you, he holds you by your shoulders crouching down a little making an eye to eye level.

"It`s okay, I know you for a year now because of the investigation thingy I hope that doesn`t make you uncomfortable that I brought that up," He said showing his attractive smile.

"Forget about the couple thingy that we have to pretend I already talk to Mark, just like what he said earlier we can easily enter Mr. Tremblay`s office so try to worry less okay?" Jaehyun tries to comfort you as much as he can. The two of you go around the town making you forget about everything, you wish you can be with Johnny at a time like this but you know he`s in Japan.

Three days have passed and you grew closer with Jaehyun, you expect Johnny to arrive tonight because they finally persuade Tajimamori to be the witness.

It`s past midnight and still no sign of Johnny so you decided to wait a little more until you just decided to go to bed and welcome him tomorrow morning.

"Babe? baby wake up" you slightly open your eyes because you feel someone poking your cheeks, your eyes are still blurry so can`t see the person clearly.

"Johnny?" you whispered.

"Yeah, it`s me sorry for waking you up I just need to hear your voice" you smile at his sweetness before going back to sleep.

"Go inside I`ll wait here," Mark said, looking left to the right to check if anyone sees you and Jaehyun entering.

"Doyoung, Ten? we`re in" you said connecting the device they gave you to the pc. They started doing what they have to do as you watch closely when you can feel the cold metal in your neck.

"Jaehyun, what are you doing?" freezing at your position.

"Nothing, it`s just so funny how you trust me so easily Y/n" He let out a chortle.

"What do you really want?" you question with your eyes close.

"I`m the one who should ask you that, you said you want revenge but your revenge is too boring why don`t we spice it up a bit hmm?" Jaehyun spoke while you stay still.

"What do you want me to do then? Kill Takara?" you don`t where you get that kind of braveness because these days you`ve been down.

"Exactly, how about we do that just the two of us?" Jaehyun removes the blade that threatening to cut your skin.

Doyoung and Ten finish what they`re doing and you leave the building along with Mark, everyone that there`s something very different from how you`re acting since you leave the building but they didn`t mention it.

"Make sure to keep your promise" you whispered at Jaehyun.

"I love you" Johnny whispered at you.

"I love you too," you said back.

"I want the world to know that you`re mine, you want that too baby?" Johnny said kissing your neck, softly marking you.

"Johnny please," you said with temptation in your voice.

"Please what baby?" Johnny asked you with a seductive voice.

"I want you inside me, I want you to touch me and make me feel so good" you whine making him let out a breathy chuckle at your eagerness.

"Will do princess" he answered.

That night you and Johnny take your time with feeling each other as if there`s no tomorrow for it.

After that night you have been very distant to Johnny and almost everyone in the house can perceive it. You want to distance yourself because you don`t want him to be hurt so it`ll be better this way, it`s better this way. You keep convincing your day every single day that almost every day you argue with him because that`s the only way you can push him away, you want him not to love you anymore.

Today you saw Johnny with a girl and you can`t help but get jealous but what can you do? he`s still your boyfriend. Of course, you will get jealous but why now when you`re pushing him away.

"I told you already she`s an old colleague! nothing more!" Johnny said with a pissed voice.

"Yeah right, an old colleague who loves touching you did you even see yourself earlier you just let her!" you fight back with a loud voice that the boys outside can hear the two of you arguing.

"What kind of boyfriend do that!?" you continued.

"Woah, then what kind of girlfriend accused his own boyfriend of cheating when it`s not even real!" Johnny retorted making you quiet because it`s true and you don`t have anything about that.

"See? I`m right you keep pushing me off! you can`t even look me in the eyes these days and it`s making me sick, thinking what I have done to make you act like this. It`s so fucking tiring!" he retorted as he slammed the door when he leaves your room.

Everyone keeps themselves busy as if they never heard the argument between you and Johnny. Yes, they`re shocked about the relationship between you and him but it`s not their business to interfere.

You cry yourself to sleep while Johnny gets drunk to sleep, tomorrow is the day where you`re gonna meet up with Jaehyun in the place where the two of you talked about.

"I don`t get it! she keeps pushing me away and it hurts! do you know what I`m fucking saying Jaehyun!?" He said drinking beer to beer nonstop as Jaehyun watch his friend get drunk not even stopping him but why?

"Just give her some time maybe she`s tired" Jaehyun responded.

"I always do that but why is it not enough!?" Johnny cried out.

"Envious causes jealousy and jealousy causes hatred, hatred turns Treacherous causing sins to one another," you said letting out a sarcastic chortle. 

"Revenge, you said you want your revenge and I`m more than happy and dreadful to help you" his eyes are flaming and burning fire the beast inside him threatening to come out as anger forms and creeps inside him.

"I`m still not satisfied" you retorted emphasizing each word that is coming out of your lips. 

"You drag me into this, this heinous sin that you`ve started is burning inside me. Now, everything doesn`t satisfy me anymore" you yelled the tension getting thicker and thicker. 

"Even though you`re gonna kill me you will get nothing, justice is in my palms in this accursed world," Takara intruded your arguing with Jaehyun, writhing her tied body on the chair. 

"Kill me!" Takara said shooting you a bloodshot glare that only makes your enjoyment alive as you slowly walk towards her with a gun in your hand. 

"Takara, Takara, Takara, you see this? this Russian pistol is what I`m going to use to kill you so don`t try me. Now, what part of your body should I shoot first? back of the head, chest, or maybe your mouth it`ll be more enjoyable that way honey. Oh, another idea maybe I should just strangle you to death" you give her face a few taps on her cheeks the leer in your eyes never leaving hers while she hitches her breath scared that any minute you can pull the trigger on her. 

"You have no conscience, do you?" Takara spoke again with a smirk forming on her lips making you more annoyed and tempted to kill her. 

"Of course I don`t, because you know what? It`s a pity the law doesn`t allow me to be merciful that`s what Javert said in Les Miserables and that`s literally me right now you Figlio di puttana!" you cursed breathily giving her a devilish grin making her slap you with her one free hand holding your face you glare at her, anger building up inside you. 

"Merde! do that again and I`ll kill you!" you hold her side to side eyes widening but Takara only laughs at you and you slap her too before you turn your back at her. 

"fuzakeru na! kill me so you can live longer and live in sorrow, happiness doesn`t exist in the world we`re born but the pain does" she shout with anger in her voice and now she reaches your limit.

"I know, want me to end your pain? then I will, I`ll make sure you suffer and Roth in hell! I will let you know what it feels like to be ripped every single day just like what you did to my best friend when she`s the only one who can understand me in this accursed world! you won`t be here if isn`t for your family`s greed, jealousy, and hatred towards mine!" You shout back pointing the gun at her turning back around to face her.

"A fanabla! Takara" you pull the trigger and shoot her straight at her chest making you fell on your knees with tears brimming in your eyes.

"Why am I even crying?" you wiped your tears away as you slowly stood up and spit to your side. 

"You want it, you get it. Ciao Takara" you laugh smirk is drawn on your lips as you walk out of the abandoned place with Jaehyun while whistling like a psycho.

"Nice shoot out there" you`re startled by Jaehyun`s voice you thought Johnny was the one using your bathroom but when you turned around you`re eye to eye with Jaehyun water droplets falling from his abs with a towel covering his torso down.

"What the fuck are you doing here!?" you said eyes widening.

"Using your bathroom obviously" he answered coming closer to you.

"and who permitted you to use it!? get out!" you pushed him away but he put his shirt back on luckily his wearing his shorts under his towel only to come closer dangerously close that you can feel his hot breath panning to yours.

You back away until the back of your knees hit the bed making you fall with Jaehyun hovering above you, you know this is wrong and you need to stop Jaehyun.

"Stop!" you keep moving away from him but before you can push him the door suddenly burst open with Johnny looking at the two of you his eyes screaming anger, jealousy, hate, and sadness he feels betrayed. He drops the bouquet on the floor grabbing Jaehyun by his collar.

"I trusted you, you bastard!" Johnny was about to throw a punch on Jaehyun when you stop him.

"Baby no it`s not like that, it`s not what you think it is" you plead, holding his arms.

"So, this is the reason why you`ve been so distant to me lately huh?" Johnny glares at you, this is the first time you see him this fuming mad.

"What the fuck!? of course not!" you defended.

Within a second he throws a punch at Jaehyun which Jaehyun gives back at him you tried to stop them but they are much stronger compared to you.

"Johnny please stop" you shout at them making them stop from gripping each other.

Johnny fixes his clothes giving you a painful glance before leaving, why the fuck are you crying when Johnny is the one in pain right now. You quickly follow him not giving a fuck about Jaehyun.

"Johnny please wait, listen to me please, just please" you plead as you grab a hold of his wrist there`s also a tear escaping his eyes which breaks you more.

"Stop! stop okay? I don`t need any of your explanation" he said coldly before shutting the door of his room.

You stand there dumbfounded with your eyes brimming in tears you go back to your room Jaehyun is trying to apologize but it angers you more, irritating you more, hurting you more.

"Get the fuck out of my sight!" you exclaimed as you push him away.

"I don`t want your apology, your sorry won`t fix anything okay!? now live me the fuck alone!" you`re livid and you`re in your pain. Why are you always the one receiving the pain?

Jaehyun doesn`t say anything anymore leaving you alone, you cried your eyes out. You lost your father, you lost wendy, you lost Johnny. What else do they want to take away from you? sometimes you just wanna sleep and get deep in it so you will never wake up in this realm.

"Johnny listen to me! what you saw there is nothing I swear please, just please at least talk to her. I`m sorry" Jaehyun rub his face using his palms out of stress and frustration while guilt is creeping up in his body.

"Quit with your bullshits! what do you want me to do? believe you after you deceive me by using Y/n? do you think I didn`t know that the two of you killing Takara? Well, fuck this because Y/n didn`t really kill her! It`s Kun" Johnny retorted. Well, Jaehyun is not shocked about Kun killing Takara since he`s an International agent. He glares at Jaehyun who`s speechless at his older friend's outburst.

"Okay, that shit is on me but don`t let it out on her for fuck sake Johnny the one you witness earlier is not what you think it is! I use her bathroom and decided to tease her not seduce her" A sigh escape Johnny`s lips throwing his head back out of mixed emotion.

"Get out I need some time alone" Johnny spoke without looking at his friend, he let his body fall on the mattress running his hands to his face.

You`ve been lying in your bed for a few hours now and so did Johnny making everyone worried and they didn`t even see a single glimpse of Jaehyun. You`re ashamed so ashamed to talk and face them, you`re the one who plans this revenge but you end up ruining it. Of course, you know it`s not you who kill Takara, you heard it from Johnny and there`s nothing more to deny it.

You really want to see him, you really want to feel him, you really want to apologize. Gathering your courage getting a little bit shameless you got up from your bed opening the door you flinch slightly when you see Johnny standing in front of you, his fist in the air maybe he's about to knock? there`s an awkward tension between the two of you. His eyes that full of love every day is now emotionless.

"D-do you want to come in?" you manage to let out but he didn`t say anything.

He cups your face landing his soft lips on yours pulling you back inside your room. He closes the door using his feet, you pull away from him avoiding his intense gaze. He softly touches your chin making you look at him before kissing you again this time it`s passionate and slow. You want him to stop, you really do but you can`t resist him. Within a moment you`re kissing him back too.

A soft moan escapes your lips as you and Johnny let your body fall on the mattress. Johnny hovering above you makes you feel small underneath him it awaken your inner desires. Johnny leaves traces of wet kisses on your neck making you yearn for his touch. He removes his shirt and so did you, throwing it somewhere in the room.

Tongues pressed together in a hot open-mouthed kiss as he kneaded your breast his other hands slowly making it`s way to your clothed core slowly removing it he rub your sensitive clit.

He stops for a moment before pulling away making you whine lightly at the sudden loss of contact. He removes his pants and boxer tossing it somewhere in the room again before positioning himself in between your legs, pushing in slowly his thrust is deep and slow making you moan in pleasure.

"I-I`m sorry" you let out breathily.

His thrust getting a little bit faster making you grip the sheets as he buried his face at the crook of your neck. You know this will be the last time you can feel him this close to you, the last time you can feel his love for you, the last time he will make you feel loved.

"D-don`t stop please" you stuttered out as tears fall from your eyes.

"Don`t cry you know it hurts me too" he kisses your tears away, his thrust getting sloppy as you can feel yourself about to reach your orgasm.

"Baby I`m gonna cum" you moaned gripping him tightly throwing your head back.

"Neither am I, cum for me," he said softly.

He goes to the bathroom to clean you up and getting a shirt in your closet which is his shirt.

"Is this the last time?" you asked him as he slid the shirt in your body before covering you with the blanket.

"Please, I`m sorry. I`ll do anything for you just please don`t leave me you know you`re the only one I have" you cried. You know you still have the others who treat you like their own sister but Johnny is different.

"Y/n our love it`s not just about holding on sometimes it`s about letting go too it`s treacherous if we love each other in this time it can lead to something else" He manages to speak despite of the lump forming in his throat. You sob in his shoulder clutching his shirt not wanting to let go.

"You need to rest, I want you to close your eyes until you heard the door close. Promise me to not open it" you nodded removing your grip on his shirt, you softly lay in your bed. Johnny kissed you on the forehead, you cry more when you can`t feel his warmth close to you anymore.

You heard the soft click of the door closing, you keep your promise you didn`t open your eyes. The memories you made with him flashes in your mind as you fall asleep.

Johnny stops midway before getting his luggage in his room "I love you" he whispered while looking at your room`s door. Proceeding to do his thing with tears brimming out of his eyes.

It`s currently 2:00 AM now and Jaehyun is accompanying Johnny to the airport.

"I`m sorry for what I`ve done I didn`t mean it as that" Jaehyun asks for forgiveness which Johnny gives back with a smile.

"It`s really not your fault and not Y/n`s fault I really have to do this" Johnny said but Jaehyun didn`t get it.

"Do you really have to leave?" Jaehyun asks once again Johnny nodded before leaving his friend alone the smile on his face quickly fades away as sadness took over it.

“I let go because I want you to hold on a little more longer I`ll promise to be back” Johnny said while tears slowly fall from his eyes, looking at the picture the two of you took together.

‘It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves’ - William Shakespeare

[panmoonchild]

Best Bubba

“i have an idea for a ddlg story where corpse is their platonic caregiver and they have a self care day for the reader. she/her pronouns possibly?“ -anonymous poster

Whenever Y/N saw the days pass as a blur and become only a repetitive routine, she’d usually try to change up her days. But this past week has been literal hell. Deadlines and projects pushing her into oblivion. When she was finally able to breath and sit down, a soft ping sounded from across the room. With a groan, she glared at her phone, debating between leaving it and getting up to go see who sent her a message. With a sigh, she pushed herself off the bed and trudged to her phone. A pleasant surprise, she figured, considering it was her friend and caregiver, Corpse. 

hey are you done with your work?

yes.... i need a break

say no more

i’ll be there in 10

With a hum, Y/N threw her phone across the bed and laid down. She gazed at the ceiling above her and sighed. She turned her head and looked at her closet, wondering if she could slip with Corpse’s presence, but she was unsure if he wanted to be caregiver, or best friend. So she just had to wait. 

With a huff, she stood up and started picking up here and there. It wasn’t a mess, per say, but she always felt better seeing a clean apartment and a calm environment. While cleaning, the ten minutes passed quickly. A soft knock sounded out in the apartment and Y/N made her way to the door. She opened the door fully and motioned for Corpse to come in. 

“I’m surprised your place isn’t too much of a mess,” Corpse told her, a small giggle itching it’s way out once he saw her bed head. 

“I picked up here and there,” Y/N responded, shoving Corpse’s shoulder once she saw him laughing. 

“I’m also surprised that you aren’t little right now.”

“I was waiting to see if you wanted to be caregiver or not.”

“You’ve been working hard bubs, go get changed and Bubba will wait here for you. And bring your hairbrush,” Corpse told her, pushing her gently to her room. Y/N nodded and scrambled to her room with soft giggles bubbling out of her lips. 

Y/N soon came back, in her pajamas and with a small stuffie in her arms. Corpse beckoned her closer and motioned for her to sit on the floor. She moved to sit in between his legs and passed him the hairbrush getting herself comfortable. Corpse took her H/L hair and started brushing it carefully and gently. A small hum barely filled the room with a lullaby flowing in the room. Y/N fluttered her eyes, with her hair dipping to the side. She couldn’t help it. Soft fingers slowly and caringly undid tangles and knots, the humming and the close, intimate room brought her close to sleep. Corpse noticed and chuckled, shaking her shoulder softly. 

“Don’t go to sleep yet bubs, you haven’t eaten anything I’m assuming.”

Y/N nodded softly and hugged her favorite stuffie closer. Soon, her bed head was gone, and her untangled hair looked how it usually does after this type of treatment. Corpse stood up, and beckoned Y/N to follow. Y/N grabbed his hand and trailed behind, heading into the kitchen. Pulling slightly on Corpse’s shirt, she motioned for him to place her on the counter. With a small hum, he gently raised her and sat her nearby while he scavenged the kitchen for something to heat up. 

Even though Corpse could cook, he didn’t feel like cooking, especially since it was 8 pm and he wanted to place Y/N to bed as soon as possible. He brought his laptop anyway so he can still edit while she sleeps. 

“How about some soup?” Corpse asked, after spotting a can of chicken soup. He glanced at Y/N and saw her nod slowly. He smiled and caressed her cheek before kissing her head and moving to heat up the soup. 

“How was your day bubba?” a small voice asked. Corpse glanced back and smiled at his friend and shrugged. 

“It was okay, but bubba is here to care for you, okay?”

“Okay.”

~~~~~

After a bowl of soup, Y/N rubbed her eyes softly and glanced at Corpse. He was stood at the sink, washing the dishes he used and placing them down to dry.

"Okay bubs, ready for bed?" Corpse asked drying his hands and turning to face Y/N fully. She nodded and smiled, biting back a small yawn. Corpse simply smiled and bent down to give her a piggy back ride. When Y/N smiled and jumped, he gently tossed her and made his way to the bedroom.

Almost like routine, he placed her on the bed and pulled back the covers; ushering Y/N into the covers. Moving to the wall opposite of her bed, Corpse bent down to plug in her small night light that showed the galaxy around her room. He then moved to the shelf, picking two small stuffies that he know Y/N loved to cuddle with when she slipped. He placed them next to her and smiled softly at how she giggled and arranged them next to her.

"Could you sing bubba?" Y/N asked, her large eyes seemed almost glassy by how tired she seemed.

"Of course," he said before beginning to hum softly. Y/N smiled and snuggled closer into the blankets. Within minutes, Corpse noticed Y/N’s easy breathing and the relaxed face she had. He smiled and pulled the blanket over her and inched his way outside of her room. With a small click, the door closed and Corpse turned into the living room. 

Just a normal day being Y/N’s best friend and best bubba. 

Whew, sorry about the 2, almost 3 month, delay. I was struggling with this as well as with other struggles lately. I really hope you enjoy this soft!Corpse story. Asks are open, so feel free to recommend anything! Check out my pinned to see what else I write about. 

[kissinginkitchens]

You Bring Me Home—Chapter Five: Like Real People Do

a/n: hellooo and welcome to the next part of ybmh!! i am sooooo excited about this next chapter (and upcoming chapters😏 ). Thank you again for all of your kind words and wonderful feedback! It's always so much fun to hear from you all, so as always, feel free to come chat in my inbox once you've finished this next part. I have a feeling there will be much to discuss👀 Much love, Mel <3

Pairing: Hawai'i!Harry x Original Character

Warnings: swearing, allusions to sexual content, mentions of drowning

Word Count: 5.6k

read parts one, two, three, and four

“I’m not going,” Alani says finally, discarding the outfit in her hands onto a pile on her bed. The clock reads 7:55 pm, only five minutes before she was supposed to be at the studio. She still hadn’t selected an outfit, but her hair and makeup were still relatively intact from her shift at the café.

“You have to!” Pua whines. “You told him you would!”

“Then I’ll tell him I’m sick or something—food poisoning. Period cramps, maybe,”

She begins placing the clothes on hangers to put back in her closet, but her sister reaches for her wrists to stop her.

“You’re just nervous,” Pua says calmly, getting eye level with her older sister. “But you’ll regret it if you don’t go,”

“Go where?” a woman’s voice calls from the door frame. Their mother, Estrella, peeks her head through the cracked door.

“To a party with a cute boy,” Pua explains.

Alani shoots an icy glare at her sister before turning back to her mom. “It’s not a party. I’m working on a piece about a local musician and he’s recording some music tonight and said I could go. You know, to write about it,”

Estrella nods, not convinced. “So why don’t you wanna to go?”

“Because they almost kissed—”

“Pua!”

“Hey, hey,” Estrella cuts in. “Mija, you’re twenty-two years old, I don’t expect you to stay single forever. If you want to go out and see a cute boy, you don’t need to lie about it,”

“But I’m not lying,” Alani defends. “It’s just… complicated, and I’m trying to be professional about it.”

Estrella steps away from the doorframe and envelops her daughter in a hug. “Sometimes, you just have to do what feels right and hope for the best,”

Alani is grateful for the piece of wisdom from her mother, feeling a small weight lifted off her shoulders.

“But if I were you,” her mom continues. “I would wear the black strappy dress with those wedges.”

********

8:10. Harry checks his phone for the third time in one minute, growing more disappointed each time the same three numbers stare back at him, almost mocking. He doesn’t feel any better when the time reads 8:11.

“Can I interest you in a piña colada?” Mitch pipes up, sauntering over with a glass in each hand.

The choice of drink seemed perfect when Harry had suggested it earlier in the day, but he deeply regrets it now. Despite the tightening at the back of his throat, Harry accepts the drink and chooses to nurse it in a different corner of the room. A part of him feels guilty for being such a buzzkill around his friends these days, and he wishes more than anything that he could just enjoy living in this moment with them. Being away from Alani had produced a strange feeling in him similar to the sickness experienced when leaving home on a long vacation; Harry didn’t know exactly how to cure it, but he hoped that lots of alcohol would do the trick.

When the clock reads 8:20, he accepts that she isn’t coming and decides to make the best of a shitty situation. He drains another piña colada and joins his friends who are huddled around various instruments and sound equipment. A few more of Harry’s writer and producer friends had joined the trip temporarily, and he’s grateful, now more than ever, for their presence—it distracts him from the overwhelming emptiness in the pit of his stomach. Jeff hands Harry a microphone and some headphones while Mitch plugs a white electric guitar into the amp. The guitarist begins with some chords that the crew has been messing around with for the past couple of days: an upbeat riff reminiscent of some of Harry’s favorite 70s rock pieces. His head is spinning mildly, but he uses the feeling as inspiration. He pinches his eyes shut and tries to let the lyrics flow, but the only words coming out are “she’s driving me crazy”, so he starts with that. The group also runs with it, adding a few yells and lyrics of their own. The song isn’t coherent in the slightest, filled mostly with laughter and choppy melodies, but it’s the best Harry has felt all night. He traded the piña coladas for a glass of tequila fit snugly in the palm of his hand, and true to Mitch’s word, the giggles emerge. At one point, he shouts the words “I’m havin’ your baby”, which makes zero sense to anyone in the room, including him, but they decide that it sounds cool and keep it going.

“It’s none of your business!” Mitch calls back, voice raised in his best soprano to mimic that of a woman. The shoddy attempt makes Harry laugh even harder and his hand clutches his stomach.

They continue on for what feels like hours, but in reality has only been forty-five minutes. At 9:05, Jeff Azoff heads outside to catch his breath and cool down. As he takes a seat on the steps, a yellow Ford Bronco pulls into the lot and Alani steps out once it's parked. She emerges in a black dress that falls mid thigh and a baby pink leather jacket, making her way nervously up the steps.

“Alani,” Jeff greets warmly with cheeks flushed. “Welcome. Party’s inside.”

She shoots him a grateful smile and reaches for the studio door, slipping inside cautiously. The music had been audible a mile down the road, but it’s even more overwhelming inside. Standing on a small coffee table in the center of the room is Harry with an arm draped around a shorter man wearing a black and white Adidas shirt. His dimples are on full display and his warbled words carry over the speakers to attack her from all sides. She recognizes Mitch hunched over a guitar and Jeff Bhasker spinning in an office chair, but she can’t put names to the other faces lingering around Harry. Alani feels extremely out of place, not knowing where she belongs in all of the chaos—it all seems to her like a living Jackson Pollock painting that she can’t look away from. In the middle of his off-key rendition of Wannabe by the Spice Girls, Harry’s eyes land on Alani and his smile grows ten times wider. He puts one foot in front of the other, completely disregarding the small size of the table, but he catches himself just as Alani lunges forward to help him. This results in their two bodies pressed flush against one another, the coolness of her leather jacket versus the warmth of his intoxication.

“You made it,” he slurs.

Alani takes a small step back and clears her throat. “Yeah. Sorry I’m late,”

“Don’ worry ‘bout it,” Harry shrugs, his eyes lighting up when he remembers something. “There’s piña coladas! In the kitchen,”

The fact that he remembered such a detail from their previous conversations and made an effort to incorporate it into this night makes her cheeks warm.

“Okay, cool. Thanks,”

Harry scans her appearance and his stomach flutters.

“Y’look really pretty,” he offers. Alani can tell that it takes every ounce of effort to do so.

“Thank you,” she murmurs, voice small.

“Wanna get some fresh air?”

“Yes, please.”

The two of them slip out through a side door and into the backyard, stopping just before the pier. Alani doesn’t know how much of these next moments Harry will remember in the morning, which makes her feel a little more confident to share what she’s truly thinking.

“Harry, I—”

“God, you’re so pretty,” he interrupts, running a hand through his hair.

Her cheeks heat up, but she pushes past the feeling. “And you’re drunk,”

“Yeah, true. But you’re still pretty. Always think so,”

Alani searches his eyes, which are sleepy and bloodshot, but there isn’t a trace of insincerity. In this moment, she also feels the overwhelming urge to be honest—about the butterflies in her stomach that only set flight when he’s around, and the way she constantly wonders what his lips would feel like against hers. But there’s an intensity behind Harry’s gaze, despite his intoxicate state, that stops her.

“You’re making this so hard,” Alani laughs lightly, more to herself than him.

“‘M sorry,” he offers. “Don’t mean to,”

She smiles at Harry’s completely innocent reply, not knowing what to do with all of the pent up affection she has for him. A part of her simply wants to scream in his face to stop being so goddamn endearing. Instead, Alani turns on her heel to put some space between them, but stops when she feels a warm hand tug at her fingers.

“Why d’you always do that?” Harry asks, his expression a little more sober.

Alani takes a deep breath. “Do what?”

“Pull away when I get close. Did it in the car that one time. And the other time at the beach,”

There’s a beat of silence where Alani isn’t sure how to respond, but before she does, Harry releases her fingers and takes a step back.

“Wait, that was stupid. ‘M sorry if I did anything—”

“No,” Alani interrupts, taking a step closer. “You haven’t done anything wrong,”

“So why?”

She releases a breath and swallows. “I don’t know,”

It isn’t the answer Harry is looking for, but he accepts it with a slow nod. Suddenly feeling the need to flee, he takes a step onto the railing of the pier and Alani’s heart rate speeds up.

“What’re you doing?”

“S’hard to tell,” he shrugs before letting himself fall into the water below.

“Harry!” she screams, heaving over the edge of the railing to find him. The drop, unbeknownst to her, is only six feet and he’s done it many times before.

After a few seconds, Alani sees him reemerge at the surface, shaking his wet hair out. There’s a small strip of sand along the shore below, so she bolts down the stairs to meet him at the bottom.

“What the fuck?!” She cries, panic welling in the brim of her eyes. “Why did you do that?”

“I don’t know,” he deadpans.

“You could’ve hurt yourself,” Alani croaks, her limbs shaking. “You—you could’ve—”

Harry reaches out to comfort her but she steps back.

“I gotta go,”

“Alani,” he says gently, but she doesn’t respond. “Alani, wait!”

She walks briskly back to the front lot, Harry close behind.

“Alani, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“Don’t follow me.” she orders.

Her words are like a dagger through his chest, but he respects her wishes and stops dead in his tracks. Harry stands soaking wet under the moonlight, feeling helpless as he watches Alani disappear into the darkness.

********

She wakes the next morning with puffy eyes and a heavy heart, still wearing the same black dress from the night before. The warm water of a morning bath eases some of the tension in her muscles, but she knows it will take a lot more to soothe the tightness in her chest.

Why do you always do that?

Do what?

Pull away.

Their conversation from the night before lingers like a nasty bruise in Alani’s mind, but she senses a bit of harsh truth in Harry’s words. She did have a bad habit of walking away when things got hard, especially concerning matters of the heart. Her instincts were all flight and no fight, so even if Alani had stayed, she isn’t sure how she would’ve explained her reasons for panicking. How do I gently pepper in the whole almost dying thing? she wonders, a lump forming at the back of her throat. Alani was only eight years-old when she nearly drowned, and though almost fourteen years had passed since then, she still vividly remembers the helplessness of sinking further under the strong tide. On nights after a particularly stressful day, Alani’s sleep is often disturbed by the sensation of her lungs slowly filling with water only to wake up drenched in sweat and clutching the sheets. She had worked hard for several years after the incident to overcome her fear of the ocean, but a part of her still couldn’t shed the debilitating need for caution. After all, it was easier to avoid the water altogether than to wade in blindly and get sucked under. Watching Harry sink into the unknown stirred the same sense of panic that Alani had felt all those years ago and threatened to undo her progress, but she quickly realized that it was the idea of losing him that had sent her into flight mode. She imagines the hollowness she would feel at the sight of waterfalls and the scent of vanilla; piña coladas—the drink and the song—tainted in her memory forever. The thought of Harry's absence was all too much to bear, but it’s how she knew that his presence must mean something. He meant something, and she couldn’t let him go.She ends her bath quickly and sifts through the first pair of clothes she can find. Suddenly none of it mattered: what she wore, how she looked, Rolling Stone—nothing but him. Alani thinks back to her mother’s words: sometimes you just have to do what feels right and hope for the best. All she needed to do was see him and the words would find themselves. The sky is overcast when she steps outside, so she quickly puts the top on Stevie and pulls out into the road, deciding to make one quick pit-stop before setting off to find him.

********

Harry’s head pounds and he feels as if the sun has been set to maximum brightness. His clothes reek of saltwater, his skin feels like sandpaper, and his mouth is the Sahara desert. None of this compares, however, to the sense of impending doom that settles in when the memories of the night before, particularly those of Alani, resurface. I’m so fucked, he groans. Harry doesn’t quite remember every detail, but he remembers enough; he remembers how pretty she looked, and reminding her of it. He feels the temporary warmth of her fingers and the coolness of her jacket pressed against his chest. There’s a bit of fuzziness between the Spice Girls and piña coladas, but then Harry remembers crashing through water and his memory gets clearer. He fucked up. He had upset Alani in some way and although he doesn’t quite know how, he knows that he would spend the rest of his life trying to make up for it. Harry sits up suddenly and the whole room spins, but he makes an effort to stand anyway. Need to see Alani, he thinks with determination, I just need to see Alani.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty,” Mitch comments from the kitchen table, nursing a cup of coffee.

“What time is it?” Harry croaks.

Mitch takes a sip of coffee and checks his phone. “10:30,”

“And last night was…”

“The party?” Mitch fills in the gaps. “Yeah,”

Harry rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands and takes a seat at the table. “Did...did you see Alani?”

“No. I don’t think anyone did, actually. Did you?”

“Yeah,”

“So… I’m assuming it didn’t go well?”

Harry’s throat tightens and he hopes that she at least got home safely. He can’t bear to think about anything bad happening to her on his watch.

“No,” he confirms with a sigh. “No it didn’t,”

“Are you gonna go talk to her?” Mitch prods.

“Dunno if I should. She was pretty pissed,”

Mitch thinks for a second, taking another sip of coffee. “What would Noah Calhoun do?”

Under normal circumstances, Harry would be very amused by his friend’s reference to The Notebook, but right now he’s too focused on making things right with Alani. He devises a plan of action and stands.

“On a scale of one to ten,” he starts. “How shitty do I look?”

Mitch scans his best friend over, head tilting from side to side as he considers the question. “About a 7.5.”

“Good enough.”

Harry swipes the keys to the Cadillac off the counter and slips his feet into a pair of beat up vans before heading out the door.

********

The restaurant is fairly empty, as far as Alani can tell from the back. The kitchen staff are gathered in the break room for the time being, which allows her to tiptoe around unnoticed as she grabs the necessary ingredients for her peace offering to Harry. She hurries out through the employee entrance as soon as it’s complete and the key is already turning in her car’s lock when she hears a voice over her shoulder, calling her name.

“David?” she responds, turning to face the brawny man leaning against the car that is parked beside hers.

“Hey,” he starts, offering a flash of pearly white teeth. “I know I’m not supposed to be back here, but I just wanted to talk to you,”

Alani swallows, the icy chill of the drink in her hands reminding her of what needs to be done.

“You know, now’s not really a gr—”

“I haven't stopped thinking about you,” David interrupts, taking a step closer. “Since the other day when you stopped by. I mean, I think about you all the time but…” he trails off and Alani waits awkwardly for him to finish his ill-timed confession. David takes another step towards her and rests his forearm against the hood of her car, practically boxing her in with no escape route.

“We were really great together, don’t you think?” he asks, scanning her face with his prying eyes. “I don’t even remember why we broke things off,”

Alani’s brow furrows, her mind failing to come up with a logical explanation for this very sudden and uncomfortable conversation. She hadn’t lied when she told Harry that David wasn’t her ex, but she hadn’t been entirely honest, either. They had started hooking up during her senior year of high school—mostly because he was the star swimmer on their team that all the other girls fawned over, and despite all the attention, he had wanted her. It made her feel momentarily special, though she knew he wasn’t the boyfriend type. “Just a bit of fun” is what they called it, and the arrangement worked out well until Alani’s freshman year of college when she realized that there was an entire world of opportunities waiting beyond the confines of high school. A world that had brought her Harry, who was probably going to leave just as soon as he’d arrived if she didn’t make amends quickly.

“No,” Alani says decisively, nudging his arm away. “We weren’t ‘great’ together, we weren’t even good for each other,”

“Alani-”

“We were really young,” she continues. “And we did what we did, but that’s all in the past-”

“If you would just give me a chance-”

“I didn’t even know what I wanted for myself back then, let alone what I wanted out of a partner. But I do now,”

She doesn’t have to say Harry’s name, but they’re both thinking it. David steps back, arms crossed, and though he had always been somewhat intimidating, he looks small standing before her now.

“It’s because of that British guy, isn’t it?” he asks, despite the feeling that he already knows the answer.

Alani lets out a light laugh but she doesn’t confirm his suspicions. “We have nothing in common, David. We want different things out of life, you’ll see,”

“And he,” David continues, an accusatory tone on the word “he”. “Wants everything you do?”

She thinks for a moment, her heart pounding as she considers what Harry’s response will be to her confession. “I hope so.”

********

Harry had considered going to Alani’s house first, but he wasn’t sure who else would be home and didn’t particularly want his first interaction with her parents to occur whilst hungover. Sitting parked on the back road behind the café, however, he wishes that he had stopped there first to save him the painful sight ahead. Harry recognizes the other man from the restaurant he had taken Alani to the first time they had hung out, a name that started with the letter “D," though probably not the one flashing angrily in his mind. His arm is draped comfortably along the roof of her car, their bodies inches apart in what appears to be a very intimate moment. While he still can’t remember the exact details of his actions that had upset Alani so much, he fits this piece into the puzzle and it becomes much more clear. She has a boyfriend, and no amount of apologies could reconcile this fact, however tempted Harry may be to try. The word “boyfriend” sits uncomfortably in his mind, but it suddenly puts everything else into perspective. It explains why she fled his car so quickly when his wandering eyes had hinted their desire for her kiss—both times. He could have sworn that it would have happened had her phone not interrupted them the second time, but perhaps it had all been a trick of the rose-colored light. The sudden realization makes Harry feel sick, and a bit foolish, so he speeds off before he can be spotted.

He drives aimlessly for a while, mind still racing with the image of the other man’s depraved hands on Alani’s soft skin. The uneasiness boiling in the pit of his stomach is pathetic—he’s well aware—but he can’t stop himself from wondering why not me? It’s a selfish thought, but it eats at him, nonetheless. It should have been me. But the reality is that it wasn’t him, and it never would be. Despite any feelings he’d had that Alani was the one for him, he was not the one for her, and it’s a fact he must learn to live with. If this thought were a rock, he’d turn it over in his fingers until they bled.

********

Alani pulls up to the studio hesitantly and waits a beat before making her way up the stairs. She knocks twice, but there’s no answer, so she presses her ear to the door in search of any sound. Silence. There’s no trace of the cars Harry usually drives when she wanders to the back lot, either, so she figures that he must not be here. Alani racks her brain for other possible locations, but it’s a dead end. She doesn’t know what hotel or house he could be staying at, and her heart begins to race at the idea that he might not even be in Hawaii anymore. For all she knows, he could be on a return flight to L.A. or London, gone forever with the same instructions she had left him: don’t follow me. Alani lifts her phone with trembling fingers and searches Harry’s name, pressing the phone to her ear and praying like she had never prayed before. It rings three times before she’s sent to voicemail. The sound of his voice on the recording brings temporary relief, but it’s gone as soon as the message ends and she is prompted to respond. She clears her throat gently and speaks as if he is at the other end waiting to hear the right words and pick up.

“Hi, it’s Alani,” she starts slowly. “I, uh…. I’m at the studio. I don’t think you’re here though,”

She walks in small circles around the backyard and lets her eyes roam to the pier where it all went wrong. It sends a pang of guilt through her spine, but it fuels her next words.

“Listen, I really wanna talk—about last night. I shouldn’t have left, I know that now. It wasn’t you, it was me, and I know that sounds cliché but it’s true,”

Alani swallows down the emotion bubbling at the back of her throat and wishes that she could just see him, face to face, one last time. There’s so much more she needs to say, but it’s a conversation she doesn’t want to have with his answering machine.

“Please just call me when you get this. I wanna explain everything if you’ll let me.”

She hangs up and nearly throws her phone into the ocean. Though her trauma response wasn’t completely in her control and it isn’t something she should feel guilty about, she wishes she had been able to explain. Alani hadn’t always been comfortable sharing that part of her life, but there was a security in Harry’s presence that made her feel okay to do so. She wanted to share everything with him, the good and the bad, but she needed to find him first.

Only twenty minutes had elapsed at the studio when Alani decides to head out; there was still no word from Harry and she needed to be anywhere else beside the site of their potential last meeting. She drives with no particular place in mind, the windows rolled down to let in the chilly, overcast air. It isn’t until she’s halfway in the opposite direction that she gets the urge to visit one other location. There’s an extremely small chance that Harry will be there, but she goes less in search of him and more for her own personal wallowing.

When Alani pulls up to the lookout where the two of them had spotted the rainbow, there is another car already parked: a pink Cadillac. The sight makes her entire body freeze.

“Harry?” a small voice calls behind him. He almost thinks that he had hallucinated it until he reluctantly turns his head and sees a timid Alani emerging from her car. A million emotions run through his mind at once, starting with confusion and elation and ultimately ending in grief.

“Hey,” he responds, weakly, still leaning against the hood of the Cadillac.

Alani slowly makes her way over, not entirely sure that he’s actually there. Once she gets closer, however, she can smell the faint scent of vanilla and her chest swells.

“I left you a voicemail,” is all she can say.

Harry’s brow furrows as he tries to remember any phone calls, but he suddenly figures that in all of his rush to see her, he had forgotten to grab it from his bed.

“Left my phone at the house,” he offers.

There’s a brief silence where the two of them size each other up, weighing their own motives against what they assume to be the other person’s. Harry speaks first.

“Alani, ‘m really sorry,” he says gently, stepping away from the car and towards her. “I know I fucked up—”

“Harry—”

“But I understand now,” he continues. “I know why you were upset,”

Confusion settles into Alani’s body and she wonders how he could possibly know about her accident. Or if he didn’t know, what else he could be referring to. She doesn’t have to guess for long because Harry continues despite her silence.

“I saw you with him—your boyfriend, I mean. Derek?” he explains. “But not in a creepy way I just.. wanted to talk. Bad timing,”

“Wait,” Alani cuts in, her brain finally sorting out the pieces. “You saw me and David..today?”

Harry feels as if the knife in his chest has been twisted further at the mention of the other man’s name, but he nods. An uncontrollable bubble of laughter finds its way up Alani’s throat, and the sound would typically bring butterflies to his stomach, but it only exacerbates the heartache.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Alani clarifies. “He’s delusional. And a huge pain in the ass, but I think he finally got the hint when I turned him down earlier,”

Harry’s ears perk up at the news, but he’s still wary.

“But you two were—”

“Ancient history,” Alani reassures him, taking another step closer. “He might as well be Socrates,”

A faint smile tugs at the corners of Harry’s lips and he feels a wave of relief wash over his body. The news is music to his ears, but he still wants to know what he had done to make her walk away that night.

“So you weren’t upset because you have a boyfriend and I tried to make a move?”

Alani takes a deep breath, knowing that she has avoided saying her piece long enough. Before she can start, though, a rumble of thunder interrupts her thoughts.

“Can we talk in Stevie? I don’t feel like standing in wet socks again,” she asks, which Harry obliges.

The two climb into the truck and settle in, the atmosphere quickly becoming more intimate than Alani had planned. His vanilla cologne has also become more perceptible in the confined space, and there’s a whiff of spearmint, most likely his gum, that briefly draws her attention to his mouth. She snaps her mind back to the conversation at hand and clears her throat.

“I’m sorry,” she begins, reading his eyes carefully. There’s a faint reassurance behind the emerald surface, so she continues. “For everything that happened last night. You did nothing wrong, please know that,”

Harry wishes he could reach out and comfort her, but he gets the feeling that whatever she’s about to say is important so he doesn’t want to dismiss it.

“It’s hard for me, sometimes, to be around the water,” Alani continues despite the prickling feeling in her eyes. “Because when I was eight years old, I almost drowned,”

The revelation hits Harry like a ton of bricks and all at once he understands. He hadn’t even thought twice about jumping into the water that night, so it didn’t occur to him to rule that out as a possible offense. He understands now that he couldn’t have been more mistaken.

“And I know that has nothing to do with you,” Alani explains, her voice wavering ever so slightly. “Except that it terrified me to think about, you know… if you hadn’t been so lucky,”

Her composure quickly cracks, a single tear spilling down her cheek before she wipes it away with the sleeve of her sweater. This time, Harry does reach a hand out and Alani accepts it gratefully; the warmth of his fingers are a welcome contrast to her icy appendages.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” he murmurs as his thumb rubs small circles over the back of her hand.

“But I do,” she sniffles. “Because—”

Alani pauses, unsure of how to finish her thought. Just do what feels right and hope for the best.

“Because I care about you,” she says finally, noticing the way his Adam’s apple bobs at her words.

Harry's jaw tightens at her confession and every muscle in his body longs to bring her close, leaving no inch of space between them, but he lets her lead despite his instincts.

"But it’s also because I care about you that I can’t let this go any further,”

Alani’s words surprise herself just as much as they terrify Harry, but she knows that it’s the right thing to do as soon as it’s done.

“Alani—” Harry starts, all of his worst fears crashing down on him.

“Please, don’t make this harder—”

“Don’t I get a say?” he questions, tightening his grip on her hand, though she still manages to slip away.

Alani runs the free hand through her still damp waves and lets another tear roll down her cheek. “What is there left to say?”

“How about ‘I care about you, too’? How about ‘I want to be with you’?”

“It’s too messy—”

“Everyone has baggage,” Harry defends. “God knows I do, and I would never ask you to carry all of that,”

Alani lets her eyes meet his again; they’re bloodshot and glossy, which sends a pang of guilt and sorrow through her entire body.

“You don’t know what you’re asking,” she reasons, this time thinking not only about her own issues, but about everything—the lies she had told and the ambitions she was still nurturing. She hadn’t given up on her dreams and unless Rolling Stone had suddenly changed their mind about the Joni Mitchell piece, there was only one way she was going to achieve them. Alani hadn’t yet reconciled the fact that she would have to put aside her own feelings for Harry to get what she wanted, but she knew that time would heal the wounds.

“All I want,” he continues. “Is a chance. And I know nothing I do will ever change the past, but two hands make the load lighter. So, please, let me carry some of that with you. Give me a chance,”

As she studies the pleading in his eyes, something stirs deeply inside Alani’s chest. She had started the day thinking only of him, but with selfish intentions. Now, she was trying to do right by him, having realized that she couldn’t have both him and the story that would launch her career. Something would have to give, and Harry deserved more than that. He deserved more than her. Despite all of this awareness, there is something else nagging in the back of her mind that she can’t ignore. Don’t walk away, it screams. If Alani ignored her true feelings for Harry and refused his plea, she would be walking away from someone who believed in her, someone who cared deeply for, and wanted to understand, her. Perhaps the universe truly had brought Harry for a story, but to be a part of hers instead of the one she had been so eager to publish. There would be other chances, just like Dr. Hudson had said, but there would never be anyone else like Harry. So with this in mind, Alani decides to stop walking away and stand still, right in this very moment, with the boy who shined brighter than the sun itself and who had only asked for a chance to make her happy.

“Okay,” she breathes and it’s like the weight of the universe has been lifted from her shoulders.

Harry leans in, their foreheads pressed together gently, and cups her cheek in his hand.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispers.

Alani nods and nudges the tip of his nose with her own. “Please.”

Their lips meet like electrically charged magnets, with a force so natural and strong it sends bolts of electrons through their entire bodies. Harry’s mouth is warm and gentle against hers, and the coolness of his mint gum soothes the searing touch of his kiss. Alani’s fingers glide up his chest and along the sides of his neck, pulling him closer as if he’s the anchor keeping her from floating away into the dark clouds above them. Over and over again, their lips collide fervently, breaths mixing and filling each other’s lungs. Their hands eagerly explore the curves of each other’s faces, the softness of hair, and the occasional heat of exposed skin. Harry is the first to break the kiss, panting lightly as he pulls back to search Alani’s face.

“Y’okay?” he asks.

“Never been better.”

next chapter

[whatdoesshedotothem]

Wednesday 6 May 1835

8 5

11 50

no kiss finish morning - ready in an hour - George off to York about 8 ½ am did not see him this morning - had given the necessary orders last night - he took my letter to ‘Mr Thomas Register office for servants minster yard York’ and my letter to ‘Mr George Cooper veterinary surgeon Micklegate York’ breakfast at 9 5 at which hour F53° - sat downstairs till 10 50 writing out the whole of yesterday and so far of this morning and inking over the accounts of the last few days in my rough book - Holt came about 11 - mentioned to him my idea of stopping the Spiggs water immediately - he advised my so doing but would have me 1st consult Mr Norris as the cleverest attorney in the town about the colliery concerns - we went out about 11 ¾ and found Messrs. Leather and Washington at the brook where the projected dam should commence - L- for having the brook guaged and the quantity of water ascertained before anything is done - the guages [gauges] to be set and the results noted down from now till the end of October so that all must stand over till November or December - asked L- the best work on hydrodynamics - some of the works (as Lardner’s) too popular Fergusons’ lectures on mechanics 3 vols. 8vo published in Edinburgh and edited by Brewster perhaps the best work on the subject - Emersons’ works good - Brought L- and W- up to the house sat with them till Matthew brought in the roast beef and Yorkshire pudding from after the servants dinner and then left the 2 gents to dine by themselves - like L- very well in his capacity of Engineer - he seems clever enough - he is a thorough blue -  Holt had handsomely given me his vote – SW- more close but will give in I think at last - ½ hour with my father and Marian - she annoyed that Holt should have given me his vote - she will get hold of the Shibden estate if by any means of flaw in my uncle’s will or mine, she can - she if in my place would not have taken up the estate on the condition of leaving it to the Welsh Listers - she talked much and annoyingly but I answered with great temper and composure and conciliation -

SH:7/ML/E/18/0031

A- had walked to Cliff hill between 1 and 2 - off about or after 2 with Pearson to the gin to see tried a black galloway I might have for £6 did not like it - Holt there -walked with him as far as the top of the new bank and then turned towards Godley - called on William Moore - not at home to come this evening to Shibden if fine- sat sometime with old Wilkinson at his house - would have given me his vote I believe but he had really promised it to the yellows - then a little while at Joseph Wilkinson meaning to ask Jack Green for his vote but said nothing for Joseph had neutralized him or he would have voted with Mr Hodgson for the yellows - then home - washed etc - then off at 5 ¼ in my father’s carriage to Cliff hill for A- gone - called at Crownest - not there - she got wet in returning on foot and I had my jaunt for nothing - dinner at 6 ¾ - coffee - sat talking till too late to go to my father - wrote the above (except the 1st 5 lines) of today till 10 5 -  Letter this morning from Mr Harper (York) to say he cannot come till next week but will be on Monday or Tuesday morning - note from Mr. Adam this afternoon to say Mr. Parker (South Devon) was 634 a head of Lord John Russell - 25 minutes with my aunt till 10 ½ - finis day till about 5 pm and afterwards rainy evening - F53 1/2° now  at 10 55 pm

[recurring-polynya]

Fic Writer Review -tag game

Ah, this looks like fun, I love statistics! Thanks to @jkrobertson​ for the tag!!

1. How many fics on AO3?

35, although 1 is a less-explicit version of another, and two of them are anthology fics of short fiction.

2. Total AO3 word count?

675,354 over two and a half years. I am very proud of this number!!

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Everything on ao3 is Bleach. I’ve written in both the X-Men and Batfamily fandoms, but that was decades ago. Oh! and Star Wars. I had one absolutely wild summer of Phantom Menace Obidala Fanfic.

4. Top Five by Kudos?

a little in love now and then (302)

The Letter of the Law (215)

Between Tides (195)

Call Me Back When the War is Over (189)

Squad Six is Jerks and other Stories, vol I (175)

5. Do you respond to comments, why/why not?

Yes, I try to respond to all of them, even though it takes me a while sometimes. I feel like if people take the time to comment then it’s the polite thing to do to respond. I do have a couple of readers whom I love who write really thoughtful and funny comments and sometimes we end up riffing, and I have definitely ended up incorporating those ideas into other fics.

I do not usually respond to review on ff.net because their interface is and you basically have to PM the person. I get very few comments on ff.net and they are generally very short anyway.

6. What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

I don’t really write very much angst and even when I do, it usually ends on a hopeful note. Uh, maybe  Dear Wormwood ?

7. Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you've written?

No.

8. Have you received hate on a fic?

Nope, never. People are generally very kind to me! Even times I’ve done stuff that people didn’t like, people are very polite about it. I’m actually kind of amazed about it myself.

9. Do you write smut?

Unfortunately.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope.

11. Ever had a fic translated?

Someone offered to translate one of my fics once, but I never got any follow-up on it. @sakizar made a podfic of Not Broken, Just Bent, that’s sort of like a translation!

12. Ever co-written a fic before?

Nope! I used to write a lot of shared universe fic with my sister and some other friends, but that was in a different lifetime. I wrote the dialogue for a @kaicko comic once, that was a lot of fun!

13. All-time favourite ship?

Renruki, no contest

14. What's a WIP you want to finish, but don't think you ever will?

I am nothing if not a closer. If I want to finish a thing, I finish it. I do sometimes relegate a WIP to the DOA pile, but it’s usually because I’ve lost interest in it. I did get overcome with a wave of anxiety today about whether or not I will ever finish The Heart is a Muscle as a series, because each part gets harder to write than the last and there is a time gap in there that I don’t have any ideas for (yet). I am confident that I will finish the next part, though, at least.

15. What are your writing strengths?

Banter. World-building. Putting in a lot of little interconnected details and themes. Balancing large casts. Complex and layered relationships between different characters. Characters who genuinely care about each other and who do their best, even if they screw up some times. Descriptions of food you will want to eat.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

I don’t edit myself and sometimes I go off on gonzo tangents that don’t advance the plot. Making characters I like too perfect. I am not good at thinking up plots and plot trajectories and I get very stressed out about it. Perpetually biting off more than I can chew and then forcing myself to choke it down anyway.

17. What are your thoughts of writing dialogue in other languages?

I don’t know about dialogue, per se, but I’ll talk about other languages generally. The main reason it took me so long to get into writing Bleach fiction is that I was very intimidated by the idea of disrespectfully screwing up Japanese cultural stuff. Eventually, I just decided to Do My Best and try to do research and listen a lot and apologize if anyone ever called me on my mistakes As far as I know, I haven’t offended anyone.

I do not generally use honorifics, because a) there are a lot of subtleties and I felt like it was more responsible to avoid them altogether, and b) my writing style has a very American cadence and it didn’t seem to fit very well. I do use them sometimes, usually in short stuff, if it feels right.

I generally use Japanese words for the names of things that are inherently Japanese, like articles of clothing, foods, etc, and also for attack names and kidou and stuff like that. Sometimes, I will go back and forth between Japanese terms and English synonyms only for the sake of word variety (zanpakutou vs sword for example).

18. First fandom you wrote for?

I think it might actually be Batman: the Animated Series, except that it was written in a notebook and the “fandom” who saw it was “my sister.” The first online fandom I was involved in was X-Men comics in the 90′s.

19. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Probably Call Me Back When the War is Over , although I think my *best* fanfic is Hold On, Hold On

Tagging: Gosh, I dunno? @zabiume and @gizkasparadise and @thegreenfaery but only if you want to

[ikehorganics]

HOW TO REDUCE BINGE

EATING OVEREATING,

AND BORED EATING:

disclaimer: i am aware that binge eating is an eating disorder, but not a lot of people have access to professionals to help them, and this guide could help a number of people struggling with binge eating, it could be successful to some binge eaters but not all. i hope this assists you, and this all comes from a place of good faith not malicious intent. i am also aware that binge eating does NOT equate to bored eating or overeating.

skip the preface if you want to skip straight to the tips!

PREFACE:

I have been in quarantine for nearly nine months, and I have struggled with multiple aspects of my everyday life that have had to be changed and adapted to the new rules of society. Since the beginning, I have always preached about staying in doors, social distancing, not going out to into open places without a mask etc because this is a direct reflection of the respect you have for yourself and the people around you. In this strong belief, I found myself struggling to juggle being a first year university student, my fitness, mental health, food and constantly being bored within my house.

Food was the hardest aspect, and with being surrounded by food 24/7, weight gain was inevitable. At first, I had not realised how I ate on a regular basis, I woke up at 6am, and would be at uni between 8am and 5pm from monday to thursday, where i would usually only eat one meal and a snack between that, whether it be left overs from dinner for lunch and an apple or piece of fruit for when i feel a bit peckish, and 2litres of water. My day consisted of four lectures ranging from 1 hour to two hours and walking around a lot because I hated sitting for a long time, and occasionally doing summaries or watching netflix between lectures. And when i got home, I had dinner and would go to bed. That was my routine and it was never truly surrounded by food constantly available at my every beck and call.

During quarantine, I was filled with procrastination and demotivation to attend lectures online or read my books. And all that extra time was filled with having an efficient workout routine and eating, but then that eating turned to eating quite frequently whether i was watching television, and mainly eating for the sakes of eating and in gross portion sizes because it was now available. Let's talk about how I broke out of that cycle of over eating and bored eating:

1. PLAN YOUR DAY PRODUCTIVELY.

I needed some direction in my life, I forced myself to plan every hour of my day so I can do something productive for myself. I planned the times from when I would wake up at 8am, to the time it took to fix my bed, brush my teeth, workout, stretch, eat my meals, nap, spend time outside, spend time on social media and more. Not only did my eating habits straighten out, but I got more done with my day.

2. SET EATING TIMES.

Setting eating times was the best thing I had ever done. Breakfast was always at 12 midday, lunch at 2 pm and dinner at 6pm, but these were my eating times, especially since i was intermittent fasting. These times helped me plan my day accordingly, between eating times I would usually fill my day with studying, and doing summaries, catching up with work I had missed. This helps especially if you have a restrictive diet or fast a lot! Restricting calories and fasting for extended periods of time only adds to the urge of falling into a binge cycle because your body feels the needs to refeed!

3. LISTEN TO YOUR CRAVINGS.

Listening to your body is so important. If you want to eat pizza for lunch, don't eat a salad, eat the pizza because it will be mor satiating than that salad or pasta that you might not want as much. Because that pizza might just pop into your mind late at night and you will have a little late night feast, this applies especially if you are counting calories. Having cravings are normal, and unless you are on a no bs diet that is extreme, you shouldn't deny yourself of something that you really want for something that won't leave your soul satiated.

4. DRINK WATER DURING MEALS.

I won't say much on this, but having water before, during and after your meal is so important. It aids in better digestion and adds to the feeling of being satiated when you are done eating, plus it's an easy way to get your water in. Replace that coca cola or soft drink with water, especially if you know you don't get enough glasses of water into your day.

5. LEMON WATER.

A cup of warm water and a wedge of lemon juice squeezed into it is super refreshing, sip on it throughout the morning before breakfast, to aid in digestion. Lemon water is a thing that is constantly brought up, and shut down for being "ineffective" but it works for me, and I believe that it is a phenomena of the mind. If you believe lemon water can help, it will definitely help you because you have manifested its impact on your health. Lemon water and warm water is one of those things that 'curb' hunger, and if you are one of those people who sometime wake up hungry but can't bring yourself to eat so early because it could make you nauseous, then water lemon water in a glass is the drink for you.

6. EAT WHOLESOME AND NOURISHING FOODS.

Calories are a touchy subject, and they add up very quickly very surprisingly. A bowl of oatmeal will have a lot of volume, leave you satiated and keep you full longer than toast and nutella. No one is saying do not eat the nutella, but adapt it into a meal that will leave you full and satisfied for example, if you want something sweet, heave oatmeal with a tablespoon of peanut butter or nutella inside of your oatmeal! Eat foods that will nourish you and give you enough energy to go about your day.

7. PORTION CONTROL AND PHYSICAL FULLNESS.

Portion sizes are all up to you as an individual and how satiated a portion size leaves you. Eat portion sizes that leave you satiated, but remember that being satiated does not equal to being so physically full that you feel uncomfortable as a result of eating too much. Being satiated is very difficult because sometimes you eat food that tastes amazing, and even though you are physically full, you feel like you could eat more and that becomes problematic because you've eaten past your bodies physical limit. Eating what you are craving ( number 3 ) comes into play with this aspect, as you have to be able to know when enough is enough. If you feel as if your portion sizes are huge and want to reduce them, then reduce it gradually whether it means you want to go from eating 4 slices of pizza to 2 slices of pizza, then begin with eating 3 and a half slices or eating one less scoop of pasta than you usually eat. If you have no idea how to stop eating past your physical limit, eat until you feel like you're just about to be physically full, do this for a week, and see how you will become satiated with the portions you are eating, gradually lessen the portion sizes overtime until you are happy with the amounts you are eating! This won't happen immediately, it is a gradual process.

8. DON'T EAT TOO FAST. CHEW YOUR FOOD.

A lot of the time, we do not realise how fast we eat and how we don't thoroughly chew our food. The food isn't running away, take your time to enjoy your meal and chew it instead of swallowing after a few times of grinding your teeth. Take in the flavour of your food and really enjoy it in the moment.

9. IT IS OKAY TO FALL INTO OLD HABITS, BUT BREAK IT AS SOON AS YOU CAN.

Nothing in life happens in a linear manner, everything is gradual and has its ups, its downs, its regressions and just general moments we are not proud of. If you find yourself in a binge cycle or overeating cycle for a day or a week, it does not meal all progress is lost. It means you are human, you are not engineered to be perfect constantly. Have a mantra for yourself that you repeat to comfort yourself: “it is okay, tomorrow will be better.” or “it was just one day, i can go back to normally eating tomorrow.” or “I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, it happens to everyone.”

10. INCORPORATE HEALTHY FOOD GROUPS INTO YOUR MEALS.

Make your meals satisfying and as colourful as possible! Don’t just eat pasta or pizza, eat it with something healthy like a side salad or a side of fruits or a side of healthy carbs like roasted potatoes! Never just eat one thing especially if it doesn’t have any greens or vegetables!! It doesn’t have to even be a salad or anything fancy! It can be cut up tomatoes, or cucumbers or apples!

11. HEALTHIER ALTERNATIVES MEAN YOU CAN EAT MORE FOR LESS.

Your oven, grill or airfryer is your bestfriend. Fried food is delicious, but you feel insecure at times after eating something that was cooked in heaping amounts of oil. Remember an airfryer is just a small oven, and can do wonders too. If you want a burger and you have time, home made burgers are always amazing and tastier than their fast food counterparts! Make your burger at home so you can control what goes into it, or make your fries in the oven so you can have a much more healthy alternative for less calories, and have more of it! I’m not saying make your burger buns something like lettuce buns, but making your burger at home can significantly reduce the calories in comparison to ONE mcdonalds burger, and you can have two for less calories than once burger if you make it at home.

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Hopefully these tips can assist you day to day, and you take them into consideration and even test it out! These tips worked for me, and I know they won’t work for everyone but some of them might be helpful to you!

[strugglingstudentnurse-blog]

my daily schedule as a level 1 student nurse

I got a lot of work done by waking up at 4 am but it caused stress on my body so I extended it to 5:30 am (my usual wake-up time back in high school). I guess I was just panicking because of how different online class was

10 PM - 11 PM my class ends at 9 so I sleep around these hours

5:30 AM - 8 AM morning routine and checking for school updates

8 AM - 12 NN 1-hr study sessions with breaks in between

I still make TRANSES (TRANSCRIPTIONS) after classes and I use a 1:2 ratio for lectures. So 1 hour of class = 2 hours of learning and making transes. I find that I can learn or relearn much easier when I'm using notes that I made myself, plus our prof gives out messy lecture notes from the outline of the PPT. He doesn't like sharing the PPT for some reason -_-

I use image occlusion in anki and for memorizing I just use a cracked version of Quizlet. I tried using the latest Quizlet but I don't know how to get the premium for me (I'm broke lmao) but if you can, Quizlet is much user-friendly and the ai looks nicer compared to anki, it's just that anki has image occlusion and I need it for Anatomy and Physiology

I use a whiteboard now for reviewing what I studied without looking at my notes. It's like playing teacher, with my stuffed toys as my students

I study a minimum of 4 hours per day except for Sundays and a maximum of 10 hours if there's an exam/ quiz

2 PM -5 PM around this time I take 1-2 hours of time to do my hobbies, like painting or writing stories. I find that it's easy to be burnout with such a tough schedule so I take my relaxing time seriously. I've once been in a 3-month burnout because of how unhealthy my schedule was and how I pressured myself to do more. It's much better to take your time and find what's best, not only for your grades but for your physical and mental health.

Have you already found out a study routine that worked for you?

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

Get Me to the Church on Time Pt. 5

Series Summary: It's Dean and Julie's wedding day. What could go wrong?

Chapter Summary: Time for the honeymoon.

Series Warnings/Explicit 18+: Some show level violence, eventual smut, fluff, smidge of angst. Chapters will have individual warnings.

Chapter Warnings: Here be the smut! Unprotected PinV Sex, oral (f receiving) fingering, beginnings of a hand job, kind of semi-public sex, tiniest hint of a praise kink if you squint. Also lots of fluff.

Pairings: Dean Winchester x OFC (Julie)

Word Count: 2,762

**I sincerely apologize for putting this series up a second time. For some bizarro reason, Tumblr won't let me edit them, and they don't open properly when I click on them, it's being a giant pain, so I'm hoping if I repost them, I can change what I need and fix the problem. 🤞🏼🤞🏼**

A/N: Dean and Julie are back! Each part will vary between 500+ and 2000+ words. I will be releasing all the parts today, September 15th, as part of my 1K follower celebration! 😊💓

The parts will be released as follows:

Part 1 - 8:00 AM

Part 2 - 10:00 AM

Part 3 - 12:00 PM

Part 4 - 3:00 PM

Part 5 - 6:00 PM ||

*Times are all based on CST*

A/N 2: So, as I stated this mini-series is part of my 1K followers celebration. For the celebration I asked people to send in gif prompts, or requests for me to write, all of which would be posted on my birthday, which is TODAY! 🎉

I only ended up with 6 prompts/requests, so I thought I would mix the prompts in with my own ideas, and I decided to write this little mini-series as well as a (hopefully) special surprise for those who enjoyed Dean and Julie in Green is My Favorite Color.

At 7:00 PM, I will post my last fic for the celebration, the first chapter of my sequel series, I Will Find You in the Dark!

Hope you enjoy my contributions for the day! 😘😘

This will also fulfill my Writing Prompt: Write about a car ride.

Both beautiful text dividers, below and at the bottom, were created by @talesmaniac89. 💓 Title card was designed by me.

The group swarmed around them, pulling them apart and hugging and congratulating them both.

It was the best day of Julie's life, bar none. Within a few minutes, the pews in the church had been pushed aside to make room for dancing, celebrating, and the general idiocy typical of wedding receptions.

Like magical elves, Jody and Charlie produced delicious food and drinks, from out of nowhere, and Julie hugged them tightly.

"Thank you so much. I don't know what I would have done without you here." She gushed, incapable of keeping tears from her eyes. The three women shared more hugs and cheek kisses, before Dean found his way back to Julie's side and claimed her attention.

As they enjoyed the food and good company, most of the hunters who'd left, returned now that their duties were done, and a couple brought more friends to the party, so there was a decent group present to celebrate their marriage. The night was filled with laughter and music blaring over the PA.

At one point in the evening, Dean told Sam to find "Brown-Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison on his phone, and as the song started, he pulled Julie to her feet for their first dance.

Surprised and thrilled, she clung to Dean and laughed tearfully again, as the whole group joined in on the chorus. Towards the end of the song, others joined them on the makeshift dance floor, and with the focus off of them, Dean pulled Julie flush with his body and sang softly into her ear.

Making love in the green grass

Behind the stadium with you

My brown-eyed girl

You, my brown-eyed girl

The world seemed to narrow to just the two of them and Julie swore to never forget the perfection of this moment.

As the night wore on, the party slowed down, and everyone sat, just chatting in groups, occasionally someone's story would pull the attention of the whole group and they'd all listen in to tales of hunters' adventures. For everyone there, it was a peaceful, happy lull in their otherwise busy, dangerous lives, and they treasured it.

Julie spent most of the evening sitting in Dean's lap, cuddled into his chest with his arms wrapped loosely around her. He had his hands on her constantly, running his fingers through her long hair, or gliding up and down her arms, or squeezing her knee with his big callused hand.

Every touch was a tiny preview of what was to come; he warmed her skin everywhere his fingers pressed, and she relished the anticipation.

As the evening moved into night, the old church became chilly and Julie shivered from something more than just Dean's roaming hands.

Dean held her tighter. "Are you cold?" He asked, pulling his suit jacket from beside him on the pew and wrapping it around her shoulders. He'd long ago abandoned his coat and tie.

Julie nodded as she snuggled into the jacket and into him. "A little."

"Yep, there you go again," Dean teased, "stealing my jacket. Shoulda put that in the vows - 'I promise to always provide you with jackets'."

Julie laughed. "I can't help it, your jackets are cozier than mine." She inhaled deeply. "And they smell like you."

Dean's eyes darkened and he kissed the top of her head and then her lips, ever so gently.

In the deepest, most seductive voice Julie had ever heard, he pressed his lips to the shell of her ear and asked. "What do you say, Mrs Winchester, time to get outta here?"

Julie shivered and then looked up at him through her lashes. "What do you have in mind, Mr. Winchester?"

Dean bit into his bottom lip before speaking in a tone full of innuendo. "Wanna go for a ride?"

Julie answered with a wicked grin. "Well that is a very leading question, sir."

The "sir" brought on a low growl from Dean. "Mmm...yeah it is, and I know exactly where it's leading me."

Suddenly he sprang to his feet, tossing Julie over his shoulder like a sack of flour. She squealed loudly, holding down the back of her skirt, as the guests started laughing, having been jolted out of their quiet conversations.

Dean called out to the group. "'Okay, that's it - time for our honeymoon now so, adios!"

Julie squealed some more and laughed as she pounded his back, until Dean flipped her around so he was carrying her in a much more appropriate bridal style.

Everyone clamored around them, saying their goodbyes and more congratulations. The wedding party pulled out the salt rounds they had set aside for this moment and cracked them open, showering the departing couple with salt.

They were sent from the church with all good wishes and endless love from their friends and found family.

Dean put Julie in the passenger seat before climbing in to the driver's side. As soon as he was settled behind the wheel, however, he pulled Julie unceremoniously into his lap, making her gasp loudly.  He started the car, and peeled out of the church parking lot.

Julie laughed as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "This is so illegal and dangerous." She said without really caring.

With one hand on the wheel, Dean tucked Julie closer to his body. "Nah! Baby's a tank." He rubbed the wheel affectionately with his thumb. "She won't let anything hurt us."

They drove through the darkness, for over an hour, talking about the day, how awful the fight with the demons had been, but how wonderful everything had ended up. They laughed together and sang along to the radio when they liked the song. It was a fantastic start to their married life.

But finally Dean could no longer take the gentle torture of Julie all soft and eager in his arms, pressing kisses to his neck, her sweet, round ass bouncing against his hardening cock with every bump in the highway.

At the very next rest stop he came to, he pulled over to the little open area on the side of the highway, incredibly grateful to see they'd be alone. An audience wouldn't have stopped him, but this way they could leave discretion behind.

"What are we stopping for?" Julie asked, wide, brown eyes pretending innocence.

Dean turned off the ignition and lifted Julie so she was straddling him, knees on either side of his thighs, sinking into the soft leather seats. She balanced herself with her hands on his shoulders, and Dean's hands spanned her waist before running up her back.

"I thought I'd take you out of this pretty little, virginal, white dress." He said, voice husky with desire.

Julie affected a little pout. "Don't you like it?"

Dean moaned long and silky as he ran his rough hands up under the hem of the dress and over her bare thighs, before finding and squeezing the globes of her ass firmly.

"I like it...a lot." He said in between kissing the soft skin just above the neckline of her dress.

"But..." He slid his hand forward along the crease of her thigh until he found her ruined panties and pushed past them to slide two thick fingers inside her. "I know for a fact that the virginal white part is a lie."

She bunched his shirt up in her fists and threw her head back as he slowly pumped in and out of her. Her voice was high-pitched and breathless as she rode his hand. "Well, whose fault is that?"

Dean chuckled as he laid her down on the front seat and slid down the zipper on the side of her dress. "All mine, sweetheart. It's all mine."

He pulled the dress off and laid it gently in the back seat so it wouldn't be ruined. Then he slowly released the many small hooks along the front of the lacy, half corset thing she'd been wearing beneath the dress so she didn't need a bra.

She sighed with relief as the last hook popped the garment open. Dean tutted and shook his head as he saw the long, red lines the wired underthing had left on her pale skin.

He kissed all along the marks, his soft lips sliding across her skin and his tongue laving soothingly across the redness. He reached her right breast and captured her nipple in his teeth.

She moaned raggedly, pushing her hands into his hair. He then pulled the flesh of her breast between his plump lips, drawing deeply. He raised his hand and palmed her other breast, kneading it roughly before placing soft kisses along the valley of her breasts, trailing them down her torso.

"You're so perfect, Jules, so soft, so..." He reached the waistband of her panties and nipped her skin there. "You're just so fucking hot."

He yanked down her panties. "And I need to taste you so badly."

He pushed her legs open, one of them bracing against the floor of the car and the other bent over Dean's shoulder. He contorted his body slightly in the confines of the car, and lifted her hips towards him as though she was the most decadent meal.

He breathed in her scent deeply before burying his face in her heat, sucking and licking, and making her squirm against his hold, simultaneously desperate for more, while also trying to catch her breath and get a break from the blinding pleasure he was delivering.

But Dean held her tight against his mouth, refusing to give up the delicacy of her sweet and tangy juices. He nibbled lightly on her clit, running his teeth feather light over the hard nub and Julie reared up off the seat, digging her heel into his back in a bid to get closer to his mouth.

Dean gave her what she needed, dipping his tongue into her entrance a half dozen times before she screamed and came, shuddering wildly against his mouth.

Dean took her leg from over his shoulder and set it on the seat, as he moved up to lay over her. The air was cool, and her skin was covered in gooseflesh. Bracing himself on his elbow, Dean ran his right hand down Julie's body.

"Are you cold again, sweetheart?" Julie nodded, still breathless and fuzzy-headed.

Dean chuckled softly. "Well, you're laying on my jacket, so I'll have to warm you up another way." He said as he rose to his knees and stripped off his white button down.

Julie sighed with pleasure as she reached up to run her hands across the broad, thick muscles of his torso, her fingernails scraping softly through the light-colored trail of hair that dipped below his waistband.

She unbuckled his belt and undid the button on his pants, rubbing him through his underwear. Dean's breath caught in his throat and he put his hand on Julie's, curling her fingers tighter around his cock.

"Uhn, fuck." Dean groaned and Julie was encouraged to pull down his pants and underwear, letting his rock hard dick spring out. She gripped him in her hand and he was so thick she could barely close her fingers around him.

She pumped her hand up and down a few times, loving the silky, hot feel of his skin. She let go of him for a moment, dipping her fingers into the slick that pooled between her thighs and using her wetness as lubrication as she pumped him harder and faster.

Dean let out a groan that turned into a growl as she squeezed the head of his shaft and ran her thumb across his wet slit. He bucked hard into her hand before he grabbed her wrist to pull her hand away.

He moved over her again, pinning down the wrist he still held, above her head.

"Fuck, sweetheart," he whispered hot and rough against the side of her neck, "I wanna bury myself in you completely, come inside you so deep, and if you keep touching me, I'm just gonna spill all over your hand like a horny teenager."

Julie giggled breathlessly as he sucked on her pulse point and then trailed his fingertips back down her body, sinking two fingers into her cunt and scissoring her open, getting her ready for him.

She cried out in ecstasy as the rough pads of his fingers found her sweet spot and swept across it.

"Dean, oh god, please! Need it, please fuck!" She chanted nonsensically.

"What do you need, sweetheart, tell me?" Dean encouraged as he pressed harder on the spongey spot inside her, taking her to the edge before pulling back, and making her whimper with need.

"Please, you. Please." She said, arching her back, chasing his fingers.

But in spite of his straining, leaking cock, Dean wouldn't relent until she told him.

"Use your words, Jules, what do you need? Open your eyes and tell me."

Julie opened her eyes and looked at him and he almost came on the spot from the look of tortured bliss in her eyes.

Her voice was hoarse with wanting him. "I need you to fill me up, pound into me, pour into me." She reached down and dug her nails into his plump ass, pushing him towards her. "And I need it now. Fuck Dean! Now!" She demanded hooking both her legs around the back of his thighs and pushing again.

He grunted rough as he lined himself up at her entrance. "Good girl." He praised her before slamming into her in one long, hard stroke.

Julie groaned deliciously and Dean began flicking his tongue over her pert nipples and rubbing his middle finger in tight circles against her clit.

He slowed down his thrusts wanting to make the moment last as long as possible. It was their first time making love as a married couple and there was something magical about it to Dean. He'd never admit it, but watching Julie open her body to him, pull him in deep, seeing the intense pleasure sweep across her face made his chest tighten and moisture gather in his eyes.

She was just so beautiful. And she was his; she'd promised to be his forever.

He shifted his hand from where it gripped her wrist, and instead grabbed her hand, entwining his fingers with hers. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and rocked his hips against her.

With every thrust, his pelvic bone rubbed deliciously against her clit and Julie let out small sighs and groans, desperately kneading the muscles in his back with her free hand.

Dean gripped Julie's hand tightly, squeezing her fingers and groaning into her neck as she clenched around his cock, coming hard and scratching her nails down his back.

He slammed home with one more thrust before cursing loudly and spilling hot and deep inside her, her name repeating on his lips.

With his heart hammering hard against his ribs, he rolled them so that they faced each other. He tucked Julie up against the back of the seat, wrapping his leg over hers and pulling his jacket around her shoulders so she wouldn't get too cold, while he held her.

He wasn't ready to let go of her just yet.

He looked down at her face as her breathing slowed and saw her eyelashes were wet with tears.

"Jules?" He asked, wiping his thumb across her damp cheek.

She opened her eyes and caught his gaze, and the love pouring from her warm amber eyes humbled him completely. She reached her hand up and ran her fingertips along his brow bone, down over his nose, along the sensual curve of his lip.

"I'm good." She whispered. "I just love you so much, and I'm so happy."

Dean kissed her fingertips and then pulled them away so he could kiss first her eyelids and then her mouth. "Me too, Jules. I'm so good."

He kissed her again. "I love you." He whispered against her lips. "And that's never gonna change. No matter what's ahead of us, I need you to know that. I mean, know it in your soul."

Julie nodded and new tears fell. "I need you to know the same. I will always love you, and I'll always want to be your wife."

Dean smiled. "Even when I break my vow and throw my clothes on the floor?" He said teasingly to keep his own tears at bay.

Julie smiled warmly, aware of what he was doing. She kissed him chastely and wrapped her arms around him tightly.

"Even then. Always."

1 - Jensen RPF + Any/All characters Jensen plays.

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2 - Dean Winchester Fics Only.

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3 - Any/All Fics (regardless of fandom/character.)

@sunshineandwings86

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4 - Everything (includes fan vid/DOOL edits as well)

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[mosh-4]

when you were sleeping

harry styles imagine

when you were sleeping - your family has a crisis when he’s away.

warning: angst. suicide

.

.

.

you and Harry were currently braving a long distance relationship. it was difficult, but you both managed. you loved him, but you were also a very independent person. you didn’t need to be constantly surrounded by him to know that he loved you. you were on your last year of college, and he was in Tokyo writing music. you both had goals and were striving for them together.

from where you lived, Tokyo was 14 hours ahead. that meant you could only talk to Harry from 6 pm to 2 am your time, which would be 8 am to 4 pm his time. you only could talk to him within those 8 hours since you both had to sleep at some point and he also had to write music. it got to be frustrating, but you made it work.

you received your daily call from Harry when you were laying in bed. it was midnight where you were, 2 pm where he was. you decided to come home to visit your family since your university was having a 4 day weekend. you had thursday and friday off going into the weekend. it was nice. you got to see your dogs and eat home cooked meals.

             “i think ‘m gonna have a late night tonight,” Harry muttered through the phone.

             “oh yeah,” you said brushing a hand through your almost dry hair.

             “yeah,” he said. “some of the guys want to go out tonight.”

             you laugh. “sounds fun.” you roll onto your stomach. “when can i expect you to be awake?”

he laughed. Harry was big on getting up early. most days he got up at 8 am, sometimes 9 am if he was pushing it, but on mornings after nights he stayed out late, he tended to get up from 10 am to 11 am, if it was really late, he even slept until noon.

             “i don’t want to stay out past 3 so hopefully no later than 10.”

             you laugh. “okay, you goof. text me when you go to sleep so i know you’re still alive.”

             “will do. how did your test go?” he asked changing the subject.

             “it was good…” you continued to tell him about how well you did, and you began to talk about the production you were currently working on at school.

--

on thursday at 1:43 pm, you received a text.

             harry: night night lovie

you laughed to yourself in the kitchen as you made yourself a cup of tea. your boyfriend was a goof. it was 3:43 am his time. you knew he wouldn’t be awake until at least noon his time. it wasn’t so horrible for him to sleep in. he got a lot of writing done this week. you remember him telling you about one of the songs he was working on and how it was almost complete.

you finished making yourself a cup of tea and took a seat on the couch with your two dogs putting on a movie you found on tv.

--

it was 5:36 pm. you had just gotten home from visiting with some of your friends from high school who were home on an early fall break. you were soaking wet from the rain. you were still home alone. your parents were at your brother’s teacher night at school, and your brother was at his football practice. you let the dogs out and gave them their dinner.

you decided to call your cousin, Lauren, to check in on her. she was the same age as your brother, and you three were extremely close along with your other cousin Collin, who was three years older than you.

when she answered the phone, your whole world came crashing down.

             “hey,” you chirped into the phone before you could hear her cry.

             in a shaky voice, she said, “(y/n).” she let out a few quick sobs before she finally spoke again. “Collin killed himself.” 

             you stood frozen in the doorway of your kitchen. “what?”

             “Collin killed himself, i found him in his closet, and i screamed for my mom, and then i fell down the stairs and i scared the dogs, and Collin’s dead.”

             your voice was caught in your throat. you knew Collin was suffering from depression, and it hadn’t been good for a while. you didn’t know it was this bad. you finally spoke. “oh baby,” you said gently. she cried harder. “do you want me to come there? do you need me to come to you?”

             “no,” she said. “my mom has to call 911. i have to call my brothers. i have to go, (y/n), i have to go.”

with that, she hung up the phone quickly. you stood in your kitchen. numb. you felt incredibly numb. you had to do something. he couldn’t be dead. he wasn’t. this wasn’t real. everything’s fine. you’re crying now. when did you start crying? you had to call your mom. you had to tell them. oh god. your brother. he and Collin were best friends. they were so close despite their difference in age. how were you going to tell him.

you rung your mom’s phone. no answer. you rung your dad’s phone. no answer. they were probably meeting with a teacher. you would have to wait.

you heard the garage door open. the dogs went crazy as your brother came into the kitchen with his football bag and backpack in arms.

             “hey,” he called to you while petting the dogs.

             you cleared your throat. “Tom,” you took a breath to keep yourself from crying. he looked up at you as he put his bags on the floor by the kitchen table. “Tom, Collin killed himself.”

             “what?” your brother peered up at you confused.

             “Collin killed himself.” you said with tears in your eyes.

he sat himself in a chair at the kitchen table with his head hanging. you wrapped your arms around him and cried with him.

             “can i use your phone to call mom and dad?”

             he nodded and placed his phone on the table.

--

it was 6:27 pm. you were driving to your cousin’s house after you called her to tell her your parents were on their way there. she told you to come too.

when you arrived at their house, a police car was placed outside in front. you saw your oldest cousin’s husband standing outside handing his baby to his parents to take for the night. he caught you and Tom before you could go into the house. he pulled you both into a hug.

             “just warning you, it’s not easy in there. you can’t see him. he’s still upstairs. they have the room taped off.”

he led you both inside to where everyone was gathered. the house was dark. your family was sitting in a dark room crying. you pulled your aunt into a hug as you both cried in each other’s arms. she let go of you and pointed a shaky finger to Lauren, who was curled up on a couch crying.

             “she needs you. go to your buddy.”

you and Tom collapsed onto the couch with her and sandwiched her into a hug. all three of you sobbed into each other’s arms.

later that night, you cried with your family and listened to your aunt and cousins talk about how bad his depression was. you stood with your cousins when they brought him downstairs on a stretcher. you watched as your aunt and dad said their goodbyes to him. after his dad left, your dad was the closest thing he had to a father, and Collin was the only one who could make your dad laugh like a little kid. your mom held you as your cried. you watched as they placed him into the ambulance and took him away.

--

10:14 pm. 1 missed call from Harry Styles.

1 message:

             harry: hi lovie, i survived the night

you left him on read.

--

the next morning, your eyes were swollen and raw. you woke up a little after 9:30. you saw another message from Harry at 11:26 pm.

             harry: goodnight love. i’ll call you again tomorrow.

you left him on read again. you don’t mean to be a bitch. you’re still processing.

--

Harry noticed you left him on read again. you normally would respond fairly quickly, and you never went to bed before midnight. he found your lack of response odd. it was 11:45 pm his time. he decided to catch at least a few hours of sleep and to call you at 6 am, which would be 4 pm your time.

he woke up at 6:12 am. he rubbed his sleepy eyes before grabbing a drink. he cleared his throat, and he picked up his phone.

--

it was 4:23 pm. you were sitting on the floor of your grandparents living room. your cousins were surrounding you as the adults sat in the kitchen. you were playing with your oldest cousin’s 1 and a half year old daughter. she was the only thing that kept your spirits up.

your phone began to ring. Harry’s contact picture appeared on your screen. you watched your phone as it rang. your eyes began to cloud with tears.

             “answer it,” Lauren said as she caught her niece in her arms, who was running back and forth between her and her sister tackling everyone in hugs. she was so young yet she understood that we were sad and needed comfort.

you nodded to her. clearing your throat and sliding to answer the phone, you walk outside to sit on the front porch.

             “hey lovie.”

             “hi haz,” you let out in a raspy voice. it had been a while since you had actually spoken.

Harry could tell you had been crying. your raspy voice was a telling sign.

             “hey, what’s wrong? are you okay?” Harry’s eyebrows were furrowed together as he heard her shaky breath through the phone.

             “Harry, my cousin killed himself last night.” you blink back tears as you drop your head into your hand.

             “oh love,” he said gently. “i can’t imagine how you feel right now.” he didn’t know what to say. who was it? which one?, he thought to himself.

             “it’s okay, haz. i’m sorry i ignored you. i just didn’t know what to say-”

             “no, no. it’s okay. i understand. you don’t need to apologize.” he took a breath to calm his voice. what he would give to be there right now for her. to hold her as she cried. he felt horrible that he wasn’t there. “do you want me to come home?”

             “no. that’s okay.” you said. he felt like she had punched him in the gut. she doesn’t want me there, he thought. “i know you’re busy and working right now. you don’t need to come home for this. i’ll be okay.”

you lied. you wanted him there. you wanted him to hold you and to rub your back as you cried. but, you know his work is important. so you lied. you told him you were gonna be fine. you were most definitely not fine. you had a hole in your heart. someone so loved and brilliantly smart and witty who could make the whole room smile was gone, and you were not okay with that.

             “you’re important too,” harry started. he wasn’t going to let her push him away. “i know you like to be an independent person, and you don’t like to depend on people, but you can depend on me. i want to be there for you. it hurts me that i can’t be there for your right now. i love you so much, and i wish i could take the pain away for you. can i be there for you? can i come home to you?”

             you burst into tears. you had tried so hard to hold them in. “yeah. okay,” you let out in a shaky voice. you couldn’t see anymore. your eyes were blurred by the tears. “come home to me.”

             “okay. i’m coming home to you. ‘m gonna book a flight, and ‘ll text you when i find out when i land.”

             “mkay,” you said your voice thick from the tears.

--

Harry landed at 8 am on saturday morning. you picked him up at the airport, and silently waited at the baggage claim for his luggage holding his hand. you had been quiet since he arrived. you were scared that you would burst into tears if you said anything.

you broke down when you got to your car. he held you in the parking lot of the airport as you sobbed into his chest. he took your keys and drove you home.

--

later saturday afternoon, you, your family, and Harry were at your aunt’s house. you were sitting with your mom, aunt, Lauren, and her older sister. you were putting together a photo board and were looking through pictures of Collin. you reminisced with Lauren about funny moments with him on your numerous family vacations.

your dad and brother were running around town to each department store to find green ties for each of the men in your family. Collin’s favorite basketball team was the Boston Celtics. his signature look was khaki shorts with a Celtics jersey or some sort of Celtics apparel. he wore mostly green. the men were wearing green ties as a tribute to him.

Harry was in the kitchen unboxing pizzas he ordered for everyone. he couldn’t really do much so he made himself useful by getting everyone food. you were extremely grateful for him.

--

the funeral was monday. you had to get up early to drive to the service. you were sitting at the vanity table in your room doing your makeup while Harry stood in front of your mirror putting on his cuff-links. he was wearing a simple black suit. his tie was hanging untied around his neck. you put the finishing touch on your hair and makeup and moved onto putting on your earrings.

your dad knocked on your bedroom door just as Harry was about to tie his tie. you both looked up at your dad.

             “i-uh,” he started to say looking from you to Harry. “i have an extra green tie.” he looked down to the tie in his hands before reaching it out to Harry. “would you wear this today?”

Harry gently took the tie from your dad’s hands. your eyes welled with tears. Harry looked up from the tie and into your dad’s eyes, which were red from crying.

             “i would be honored.” Harry spoke removing his tie to replace it with the green one. he tied it swiftly in the mirror before turning back to your father.

your dad nodded in approval, not saying much. it warmed your heart just as it broke it. that had meant a lot to your dad. he had allowed Harry to take part in this extremely difficult day, not as just a boyfriend of his daughter, but as a member of your family.

             his voice broke you out of your thoughts. “we are leaving in 10.”

--

the funeral was a blur. Tom and your cousins were the pallbearers. Harry stood by your side the whole time. his arm around you or his hand holding yours. it was a difficult day. your makeup was trashed. your eyes were red and raw. Harry got you some food at the luncheon afterwards. he made you eat a few bites every now and then.

when you got home, you just wanted to crawl in bed and sleep. he helped you take your dress and jewelry off. you put on your comfy clothes while he grabbed you a makeup remover wipe, and he helped you take your makeup off. he let you climb in bed with the shade over your window drawn down darkening your room. he got out of his suit and changed into his comfy clothes before crawling into bed next to you.

you cried in his arms, and you were so grateful for him being there.

hope you enjoyed. i know this was a bit darker. it was inspired by my cousin who passed in october. - mosh

[jvdes]

david? it’s gretchen. i’m just returning your call about your niece.

alternatively titled: we’re all here for a fucking reason, you know. you don’t get sent some place like this for no fucking reason.

tw: violence, abuse, alcohol, vomit

it’s october 23rd, 2020, and it’s not like she’s not trying. you can say what you want about jude - a liberty nobody’s been willing to pass up before - but she is trying. contrary to popular belief, jude doesn’t, like, get off on being in a lousy fucking mood. she doesn’t like being miserable, it’s definitely not her big fucking goal. it’s just, misery seems to love her. but she’s a fighter, and she’s not gonna lay down and take it - she’s not gonna let it swallow her whole. not without a struggle, at least. 

so, it’s the anniversary of her mom’s death, but she’s making an effort, you know? and at 8:30 pm, she’s sober, she’s made it to the weekend without getting in trouble at school, and she’s pretty dead set on pretending that nothing is as fucked up as it is, or she’ll at least die trying. 

she’s even - get this - displaying a little bit of school spirit. 

2:07 pm

“are you going to the football game?” clara wilkerson had asked in sixth period chem lab, and jude tried not to laugh. it was important that she didn’t laugh, because clara, her chem lab partner, was pretty damn hot. she was smarter than jude, a pretty brunette with big green eyes, and she seemed to think jude wasn’t a total waste of space, so, you know. big win for jude, who was hoping that, sooner or later, she might be able to get in clara’s pants.

“i dunno if that’s my thing,” jude had shrugged. she had nothing against sports, and she had nothing against standing around outside at night, but it still wasn’t an activity she’d ever been dying to partake in. 

“what?” clara feigned shock. “watching the eleven meanest guys in our school homoerotically tackle the eleven meanest guys from our rival school while sipping watered-down hot chocolate that burns off your taste buds? what’s not to like?” 

“well, when you put it like that,” jude laughed. 

“exactly. it’ll be fun, you’ll see. here, give me your hand,” she instructed, and jude handed it over with a skeptical look. clara proceeded to write her address on jude’s hand, which was maybe some kind of weird power play and/or mating ritual, since clara had jude’s number, and could have absolutely just texted it to her. “so, you’ll pick me up at 6:45?” clara asked. and jude, to her credit, agreed. 

10:38 pm

it’s not like it was easy, pretending that it wasn’t the day that it was, that there wasn’t that heat beneath jude’s skin. pretending that she was distracted, like it was okay. nothing’s ever easy, right? and it wasn’t okay, not exactly - there was the clipped tone of some of her jokes, a little too high, a little too thin. something inside of her chest at the center, aching a little. 

but it was almost okay, or she could almost pretend that it was almost okay, and it was really nice to not be at home. it was nice to have someone to laugh at her jokes, nice to be standing around in the cold autumn night under the too-bright stadium lights. 

and now, as she braces herself against the wind, walking through the parking lot hand-in-hand with clara, she thinks that maybe she almost had fun. “you’re smiling!” clara announces gleefully, and jude looks over at her. “told you it’d be cool. like i said - what’s not to like? you, me, a bunch of screaming teenagers around us; it was fun.”

jude grins over at her. the parking lot is busy, now, hoards of kids moving en masse from the bleachers, body heat between them in the sharp, cold breeze. “oh, sure,” jude agreed. “i’m all about football now. you’ve converted me.” 

so it’s kind of nice. except - well. they’re walking, and there’s this plane overhead. and it’s such a small thing, jude knows that, but her smile fades all the same, because it’s like this bitter fucking reminder. like the world is mocking her for being stupid enough to think that she’d ever be okay, that she’d ever be able to make it through a night without spiraling, least of all tonight. for being stupid enough to think she deserved that much in the first place. 

without thinking much of anything at all, she turns to kiss clara then, under the distant whirr of the plane, as if maybe the noise of their breathing will be enough to drown it out. it’s their first kiss, jude’s hands on clara’s hips, like blood on blood alone will be enough to ground jude, enough to let her forget. like if she couldn’t just say it ( any of it, what plagues her ), then being touched can be enough to anchor her to the ground. always a valiant effort with her, right?

but then they’re standing in a flood of light, a truck full of boys stopped in front of them. the boys in the back whistle at them, and the one driving hangs his head out of the window, face an ugly sneer. jude recognizes him, of course - just some asshole, like all the boys are, but she knows him; he beat the shit out of her at a party for talking to his ex, and jude had ended up in the hospital with 47 stitches. “moved on from your regular sluts, bright?” he says, and jude pulls away from clara. clara rolls her eyes, but jude, she squares her shoulders and flips them off, squinting in the light. 

“they’re just being jerks,” clara said quietly, “let’s go.” jude’s car isn’t that far away. they could just go. they could just walk away. but when was jude ever going to leave well enough alone? that heat, that raw anger pulsing beneath her skin, barely contained all day, waiting for any excuse to slither out of her like a sickness. just give me a fucking reason. isn’t that what she’s always thinking?

“the fuck did you just say?” jude challenges, and clara tenses beside her, gripping jude’s arm through her jacket. 

“just surprised you found someone willing to be out in public with you,” he said, opening the door and approaching them. he moved toward them in that quick, confident way that boys seem to always have about them. he was close to them now, so close, and fucking with them. fucking with them just because he could, just because he saw them, because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and boys love seeing if they can scare girls. “not that i meant to interrupt,” he adds, skeezy, gross. “go on. go ahead, i’m happy to watch. we can all have a little fun here, right? after party, yunno,” he continues, and jude can smell the alcohol on his breath, that’s how close he is to her. 

she doesn’t stand down, though, not even as clara’s nails bare into her skin even through her jacket. it’s that wicked, wild heat inside of her, that vicious anger. ( you’re like a feral fucking dog, clara will yell at her in a few minutes, once it’s all been said and done. ) “he’s not worth it,” clara whispers, “we can just walk away.”

jude does not just walk away. “get back in your shitty fucking truck, and get the fuck away from me, or i’ll kick your ass,” she says, trying to feel taller than she really is. he has at least five inches on her, maybe more, but she crosses her arms anyways. 

( she must know by now, though, that there’s no way this is going to end well, right? maybe she had been trying, maybe she had been sober and not in any trouble so far, but she must know now that the choice to not walk away is the fatal one, right? which just goes to show, she knows: anything that happens next is deserved. anything that happens next is just her doing it to herself. )

“oh, yeah. ‘cause we all remember how well that worked out last time,” the boy says, and that’s enough. 

“jude,” clara says, “walk the fuck away.”

the high school parking lot hasn’t been redone since 1976, and the concrete parking blocks are falling apart, crumbling where they stand, chunks of concrete strewn around the parking lot. maybe, if anybody’d cared enough to try and fix up the parking lot any time in the last 20 years, there wouldn’t have been a chunk of concrete at jude’s feet. and without a chunk of concrete at her feet, she certainly wouldn’t have sent it flying through the windshield of the truck. but there was, and she did, and so the cop that parked in the high school parking lot during school events came over, and jude wound up being driven home in a cop car. 

but she’d tried, you know? 

11:21 pm

not that it mattered. not that she’d say so to her uncle, who dragged her inside by the collar, a hand on her neck she could just not shrug off. “what in the everloving fuck is wrong with you?” he asked, as soon as the door was shut behind them, closing out the cool autumn air and leaving room for only guilt. 

it was a question that she was uninterested in answering, so she raised a middle finger behind her as she climbed the stairs. she moved to slip into her bedroom, but he followed her like a shadow, gripping her by the arm before she could manage. she whipped around, and she wanted so desperately to be calm, but she wasn’t. “have you got any idea how fucking lucky you are, jude? that they’re not pressing charges, that you’re here right now, and not in a fucking cell? jesus christ! and you’re looking at me like you’re pissed off. who the fuck do you think you are?”

jude glared up at him, chest heaving, eyes dark and wild. what a miserable fucking question. “i think,” she began flatly, “that i’m a future player for the Mets.” there was that vein on his neck again, and she knew, of course, that she was only making things worse for herself. that’s what she does best, but it’s okay, everyone - she’s going to get what she deserves. “it was a good throw,” she added, “you should have seen it. you would have been proud.”

“did you think of that on the way home?” he asked quietly. he, too, was trying to pretend he was calm, and doing a shitty job at it. “how long did that one take you, jude? ten minutes? twenty?”

“i thought of it on the fly, actually,” she answered, and he laughed - an unpleasant, humorless, bitter little laugh in the quiet, airless space of the house. “it’s a talent. a calling, even.”

“your calling is being a destructive piece of shit. good for fucking nothing, i swear. have you ever taken responsibility for a single thing in your goddamn life? no. everything is always somebody else’s fault, right, jude? just like your fucking mother. you’re not a future player for the Mets. I’ll tell you where you’ll be in two years, jude. you’ll be dead, or you’ll be in jail. you wanna talk about being proud? your mother, she was no prize, but even she would be so fucking ashamed of you.” it’s the way his voice bleeds into a vocal fry when he’s angry, the way his eyes burn.

she closed the door to her room behind her, and david let her. she allowed herself a minute or two to get herself together, shaking on her bed, before she slipped out of her bedroom window, into the cold night. 

12:12 am

she’d tried, right? but that had gotten her nowhere, so obviously, it was a total waste of time. that’s what she was thinking as she sipped shitty vodka from the little bottle she’d pocketed from the skeezy liquor store down the street: what a waste of fucking time. 

tonight was always going to end this way, wasn’t it? there was no reality where she drove clara home and kissed her goodnight; jude didn’t deserve that. there was only now, here, leaning over the railing of the overpass, vision drunk and swimming, thinking about what a waste of fucking space she was. she polished off the bottle, then flung the bottle into the street, closing her eyes and listening for the cracking noise of glass meeting asphalt. 

maybe i’ll go get high, she thought, then turned around and started walking against the wind.

2:08 am

david bright stood around the corner of the wall, a metal baseball bat in his hands. it was the anniversary of his sister’s death - or had been, until midnight - and somebody had broken into his fucking house. well, broken in was a strong word to use, since he’d forgotten to lock the deadbolt in lieu of who had greeted him at the door the last time he’d opened it, so a bobby pin or a credit card was enough to jimmy it open.  still - he could hear the culprit moving around in the dark, and from where he stood, he could see the front door, still wide open, swinging lazily on it’s hinges, letting in a draft, an open square of darkness in the wall like a missing tooth. 

he was going to handle it, though. he’d had a bit to drink, but you don’t play piano for years without learning some hand-eye coordination, and whoever it was that was stumbling around his house after leaving the door wide open behind them, he could handle them. he was a man who handled things, wasn’t he?

he could see their shadow, swaying in the night, in the moonlight, and he turned the corner, swinging the bat as he did, proud of himself for catching the intruder off guard. 

jude swore as the bat hit her shoulder, and, far from sober, that one hit was enough to send her slipping to the ground, landing on her ass. 

david saw her, then - that flash of red hair, the wide, frightened eyes, the jacket that had belonged to his sister. he’d deny it, of course, even to himself - he’d thought she was an intruder, right?

( of course, maybe he always knew it was her, even before he grabbed the bat, even before the first swing. why else would he not call the police? )

he’d heard her voice, though, after he’d hit her for the first time, but he swung again anyways, like it was a movie he was watching, like things were already in motion, like they were outside of his control. so he swung again, his position readjusted to hit her in her new space on the floor, and there was that loud, sick and vicious sound of metal hitting skull. a horrific thud. 

instinctively, slowly, a wounded animal, jude curled into a ball, arms above her head in defense, and he swung a final time, leaving an angry red mark on the soft flesh of her skin. “stop!” she slurred in the darkness, tasting blood. 

jude saw, even through her swimming vision, that single flash on his face, that crack in the facade; an expression so familiar it made her feel sick. that horror. what have i done? anger that’s gotten the best of you. a burning under your skin. some things run in the family, she thought dizzily, terribly, and then, it was like it had never happened, and despite what had all just transpired in no time at all, despite the smell of alcohol coming so strongly from the both of them, he was calm again.

“you forgot your key,” he said, maybe as a question or maybe as a statement, and he took a shuddering breath. they stayed there, jude gazing up at him.

to david, her glassy, dilated eyes seemed to look right through him, a fever-bright stare that seemed to burn into his skin like a brand. ( had she always looked that much like delilah? with those fucking eyes, so fucking green? jesus. )

it was quiet for a long time before he finally said, “something needs to change, jude.” jude laughed, so quiet and so weak it was almost a rasp. and how. 

without saying any more, he turned around, disappearing into the hall with footsteps that echoed in jude’s mind, making her head ache furiously. she sat there as he left her behind, body aching like one complete wound. 

shame and anger spun in dizzy circles around her head, and it was a long time before she thought she’d be able to make it upstairs to her bedroom. she dragged herself up, eyes closed, her only true sense the metallic taste of blood. he’s going to kill me, she thought, as she closed her bedroom door behind her. he’s going to kill me one day, and i’m going to let him. and that will be on me. 

she wants to break something. she wants to break. she wants the room to stop spinning, she wants the pain to stop, for the pain to get worse. FUCK! this is something she owes to herself. letting men do what they want to her - since when is that her? and her uncle was right, she knows; her mom would be so fucking ashamed. jude is so fucking ashamed.

something needs to change. she barely stifles a sob. i am so fucking spineless. holy shit. 

she barely made it to the bathroom, but she did, vomiting vodka and stomach acid as she clung to the porcelain. please let me black out, she thought. please let me black out. i don’t wanna remember this. please let me just forget this. 

she did black out. when she finally managed to stand on two feet, to crawl out of bed and drag herself into the bathroom to vomit again, she saw her reflection in the mirror, the skin of the right side of her face an angry swell of black and red, and she thought to herself, i must have been in a fight at a party or something. just a fight, or something like that. some stupid fight.