#I function at night ok don��t judge me

[patco55]

High-Functioning Depression 1

Yesterday

Yest, I had a depression episode, you could say…. as depression is a constant state   of despair.

Yesterday the accumulation of stress and detonating events throgh the past weeks made me crumble friday 06/06/2020. This is the expllanaiton on how it works for me:

I work at a very demanding job as a project leader (sales) at an important packaging company on Guadalajara,, Mex. (Greetings from Mexico) so stress is part of my daily life and I´m a common overachiever so I know how to handle stress quite well. So, as for the clients I manage, June is a very charged month.

Two weeks ago, a friend of the office started flirting with me and I really appreciated the attention, because I considered him a good person and a man that could be a good stable relationship in the long run or simply a good guy I could date. So I gave in to the flirt.

Finaly a week ago, it was a mate´s birthday and various fellows from the office were invited, myself included and him. 

Long story short, I got a little drunk (which I never do because I´m an athlete and because I tend to do bad desicions as was this time) and we slept together.

Couple of days later I found out he has a girlfriend and I feel destroyed, used (I shouldn´t but well.... it is what it is) and worthless. That nigh felt so good to me and I thought of starting dating and then .....like a bomb exploding.....My love world fades into darkness once again.

I even wrote him after to go on a date which he didn´t refuse but didn´t accepted either. I see him less at work but when we see each other we interact casually and I begin to get confused.

And this Fruday after a very heavy week of work stress and in general a week where I felt down of energy, couldn´t train as eager as I do and completly destroyed my nutrition plan.......I asked him for a place to eat nerby and he offers to eat together. I accept with hope.

We arrived to the location, meal on the table I begin the smalltalk about the weekend that turned to the issue at stake.

He, once again completely destroyed me. He explains how he has a girlfriend and how he´s happy with her. 

He apologises a hundread times, he explains how he´s the one to blame and I explain how I don´t feel bad beacuse I´m single and I particularly don´t ming people seeing me kissing someone. But at the same time I felt used and how bad it is not being able to tell anybody out of fear of being judged. He explains how is his fault and how horrible he feels for being “that guy”.

And then everything comes down to me at once when he friendzoned me. I explain that it´s ok to be wrong and do mistakes.We´re all human but I tell him that ultimately I don´t know if I can (or want) to be his friend. How I feel worst because I wouldn´t want anyone to do to me the thing he did to his girlfriend. But inside I´m dead. 

How is that once again something that could be amazing and fun ended up in something so wrong and sad? How is it that another men managed to treat me this way and I let him. I would have loved to have all the information at hand and refuse him. How is that I can be the game for even the goodest men. I hate you hormones (they played a very important role on my desicion making process that night).

I feel now like an old rug which is receiver of male fluids and tossed to the trash. I guess some girls are just designed to be fucked and tossed. 

He tells me how strong and wonderful I am but by that moement I can only think to myself: “Yeah, I´m great and everything. Then how come I´m always the second  table plate?” 

He tells me how I´m a sparkle and how I shine. How happy I make people feel. If he only knew that I´m that way because I´ve walked through the darkest and saddest roads of the human mind, if he knew how bad it can get on our heart´s black holes. If he knew I am that way so I avoid people around me feel the same.

After that, leaving the place and saying goodbye with an everlasting but very sad hug, I start to cry uncontrolably and driving like a mad person. I fake a smile for the people at work but when I get home I start crying and eating uncontrollably. Listening to music to calm down. But I couldn´t calm down for hours and I cut off all communication. Is what I do so people can´t see my darkest side. I didn´t call nor answered any message. I pray to god just so I could die. 

My mom enters the room worried and just strokes my hair, she knows there´s nothing she can do and leaves offering her support the best she can, desperate and impotent I cry myself to sleep. I didn´t train (which is a big deal for me as a competitive athlete) didn´t eat (another serious red flag) and in overall didn´t have the strenght to do a thing. 

So I fell asleep and try to brace myself. Then, an old lover calls me and I proceed to meet him and ...well have sex with him. It does made me feel better, calmer and the endorphines help.

Today 06/07/20

I changed my nutritionist, so I go to the new appointment and he gives me confidence for my objectives as an athlete and it gives me the confidence I needed. 

Immideatly I proceed to train intensely and destroy myself physically so I don´t do it emotionally and mentally. While I train people gazes me like a crazy woman but I don´t care. I love to feel powerful and capable again.

Some friends messaged me and offered me their support and I feel blessed that I can count on them and to know I´m not alone and now I know that I can call them whenever I´m feeling like yesterday without the fear of them loosing their shit over my state. (OMG AMAZING!!!!)

But by far the best thing was when a couple of girls stared at me in absolute delight and admiration. I have longed for that all my life and I am so greatful for this new opprtunity to inpire, everyone and specially little girls.

 I thank life for this sign that saved my life; beacuse for me thhere´s no more important issue right now than the girls of tomorrow to be confident of themselves and it´s important to me that they know that they shouldn´t be afraid to be powerful and strong, to be whatever they want to be!

Yesterday may made me want to kill myself but today made me want to reborn from the ashes and continue to work for what I want and deserve.

I would love to know anyone with stories like this, to hear your thoughts so if anyone needs help or just want to talk. You can count on me! <3

[pytsfantasy]

Unfaithful (Part 1) (Connor RK800 x reader)

Warnings : Sex mentioned (But nothing is nsfw/smut.), Angst? I think? but of course, not a strong one!

Talk : Hi! So this is my first time posting here! I’m not a native speaker, so I think there’ll mistakes for sure. Even though, I’ve checked them so many times. Please, forgive me! Hope you’ll understand what I’m trying to say. Feel free to criticize and comment. I’m willingly to take it and will try to improve for sure. :D 

There’ll be part 2 but I wrote it 3 ways and still can’t decide which way I want it to be. There are 1) Angst 2) Fluff 3) A little nsfw but of course, not explicit! Just a Dom!Con...(Ok. I haven’t finished this one yet but already has plan for a very long, long time. Just can’t help but blushing every time I try to write him dominating and can’t keep going on...) I’m considering to post it all like the game itself, it’s what you choice to read. ^^”

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It was over. Stop. Y/N’s not and never going to come back to his arms. He had been repeating this to himself for almost a million times, his brown eyes followed the couple everywhere.

You kept clinging to your lover’s left arm and kissed your new boyfriend with smile and giggles. While he was sitting in the car beside the driver seat, watching you while waiting for Hank, feeling his artificial heart throbbing so bad, badly. There was nothing more than a painful glint in his eyes.

He still remembered how it had ended two weeks ago.

 .

 .

 .

He came back from work at Detroit Police Department. He swung the door opened with a relieved small smile and a bit of anticipation to hold your body in his arms but all of that vanished in a blink. All of those positive feelings was thrown somewhere at the back of his throat as he found himself in astonishment, eyes widened.

 “I’m sorry.” You pushed him away and walked out through the door he had opened. Your suitcases were held in your right hand.

“Where are you going, Y/N?” He followed you. You were looking left and right of the street.

 You turned around to face him. Then, inhaled deeply and sighed. You gazed into his eyes and threw your arms up. You closed your E/C eyes and declared in unfaltering voice. “We Broke Up.” You told him clearly, no hesitation. You had decided. It was over. You thought it was the best this way.

 Thoughts of differences between androids and humans started to creep and change your attitude toward your romantic relationship.

It was just a deviancy that had been deceiving him that he could feel like a human, he actually felt nothing, he couldn’t feel. It was just 0s and 1s that resulted emotions simulations in him.

Sex with him wasn’t boring but you know, detective androids weren’t designed to perform sexual actions, so he didn’t have a functional genital like those in the Eden club and this truth somehow had been disturbing you for a month. Your filthy human instinct and belief were whispering that sex wasn’t intimate and more like masturbating to a sex doll if the significant other never felt the satisfaction.

One day, you could die and he would still be here. Or in the reverse role, what if one day there was an upgraded model of his. The one who would be faster, stronger, more resilient and equipped the latest technologies. And imagine this, he got a badly injury during his duty, he would need spare parts but unfortunately, like other technologies, his model would be an older version and there wouldn’t have spare parts available. In the end, he passed away before you supposedly would. It may sounded crazy but there was a high risk of it to happen. And you knew, you couldn’t stand it. You felt fear.

After the android’ peaceful protest success, there were some people who were still against a new intelligent species and of course, against your attitude and relationship with androids too. Their words were criticizing, judging your life, bullying you with knives shooting from their mouth straight through your heart and vulnerability.

 “Crazy chick dating a good looking designed doll.”

“Weird girl who is so desperate to date a man but can’t find a single one, so she’s dating a tin can.”

“How does it feel to play kinky stuffs with some hard metal stick? Oh, or plastic? Oh, oh, or silicone?“

“Don’t you feel weird dating a thing that can’t truly feel love? You know, it seems like a one-sided relationship for me. I mean…I wouldn’t even like to call it a relationship.”

 So many reasons and voices convinced you it was the best way to end it up like this.

 He blinked, he was trying to gain conscious.

 “What? Why?”

The answered instantly parked right in front of him. The shiny black sport car tires squeaked as it stopped. The driver was some good-looking guy, an attractive one. Before he would be able to question you any further, you stepped in that car and disappeared along with that devil.

No doubt, no need to find evidences and reconstruct. You had been unfaithful to him.

The reasons were so simple and very understandable. He could guess it on his own without need to ask you why again.

You would never really accept him as an android. You doubted his emotions. You felt insecure about the relationship and cheated on him with an unknown guy.

If he wasn’t an android, you would stay with him, right?

Tears were slowly falling down. He felt like his Thirium pump was falling to pieces. He wished he was born, not manufactured. He wished he was born a human who you would want to be with forever.

If you took a second glance at him at the moment, would you stop doubting his existing emotions? Would these tears prove you that it wasn’t just 0s and 1s in his program?

Heartbroken, sorrow, cheated started to build another painful feeling, anger.

All those sweet nothings you told him at night and dawn, all those convincing shits you said you didn’t mind him being an android and deeply loved him for who he truly was, all those tight hugs welcoming him home, all those passionate warm kisses, all those roses you surprised him on Valentine’s day – They were all deceptive lies.

These emotions were just too much to handle. He tapped his chest, trying to calm down. His eyes were looking everywhere, trying to find a thing to focus on. His lips, hands, knees were trembling.

If you were here, you would lay with him on the bed, cuddle, softly tell him that it would be alright as your hand were running through his soft hair.

Oh. Why was he reminiscing that memories anyway? You never meant it. All of them was LIES.

And that was what hurt the most.

 .

 .

 .

That was what hurt the most and still to this moment.

He was sitting on the couch in the dark, repeating all those sweet memories and heartbreaking moments of you.

His hand laid on where you liked to sit on the couch. His hand longingly trailed all over where you liked to sit. He could remember your body shape, your curves, your warmth, your scent, your smiles and your sparkling eyes.

He could delete all those memories of you but when he had to confirm his intention to delete it, he always changed his mind and kept it there.

He missed you so much but also hated you at the same time.

[laguanrodgers]

Ten Things 2019 Made Me Thankful For

As the curtain is set to close on this year, I must say there is plenty to be thankful for in my stable. When I think of blessings, both big and small, glaring and not so obvious to the eye, I am reminded it all flows through one source: God. And so I say thank you to Him for his mercies, lessons and providence. 

10. NATURE

Being a city guy, I’m at ease when I can escape the concrete jungle and exhaust fumes and be among still pine trees, wooded trails and the layout of an unexpected bridge in the middle of nowhere. I’ve found great comfort in the simplicities of just taking a walk through the neighborhood no matter the time of day, and allowing the sky to be my tour guide. Inhaling huge chunks of air and letting the smell dance around my nostrils has been a sort of reset button. I’m beginning to search for something of beauty within a snowy day- for no two flakes are twins. There’s more to summer than the sun. Spring invites tulips to greet us, but only for a short afternoon, so we must be quick to say hello. And yet fall reminds me all things grow old, and it’s ok to find rest. 

9. BOOKS

This year is arguably the most I’ve ever read, and I’m much better for it. From lengthy autobiographies I finally made time for to self-empowerment titles to the dark poetry, which kept my bedroom light on, it’s been a cerebral journey marked by the tugs and pulls of the heart. Words and stories are funny like that- they've made me comfortable with my own emotions, and I’ve come to realize...well...I’m human, and sometimes humans cry. 

8. HEALTH

I talk to my 80-year-old grandmother every day on my way to work, and when I’m quick to point out the things I don’t have, she reminds me that I have my health, and I’m “in my right mind.” We don’t tend to think about the ways we are able to use our bodies and brains until some functions are limited or ultimately taken from us. Call it cliché but I chew my food to enjoy it, and don’t swallow it so quickly now. I wiggle my fingers and toes like a baby discovering his or her anatomical capabilities. Food is our greatest medicine; it is a healer as much as it is a poison. 

7. EARS THAT LISTEN

No one bats a thousand, yet I hope those around me will classify yours truly as a better friend than years past. I know I’ve been privileged to have some quality folks who truly listen to me and check up on me for no reason other than to look into my well-being. Away with yes men, and open ye doors for those who tell it like it is! Friends who don’ t necessarily judge, yet are there to hear you vent and offer up criticism if and when needed, I regard them as pearls on the floor of the ocean. Lord knows, they’ve rushed me up to the surface for life-saving air. 

6. COLORS

I’ll have to ask my mom in what types of activities she engaged while I was in the womb because I’ve always been fascinated by the phenomena that are colors. Without doubt, the endless hues around me stimulate my creativity. I can ride down a street and see a house with a fire hydrant red door or play around with paint swatches at a Home Depot and come away totally inspired and infused with ideas, forcing me to hurry to the nearest pen and sticky note. I am unapologetically visual. Claude Monet was on to something when he said, “Color is my day-long obsession, joy and torment.” 

5. TEACHERS

When I refer to teachers, I must give credit to anyone whom I’ve come away from having learned something. If you taught me something about survival or just basic everyday living, I thank you. If it was about fitness, nutrition or finances, I’m indebted. For the unassuming couple who didn’t give out advice per se, yet there relationship embodies a goal worth aspiring towards, you deserve the title of professor as much as those credentialed pedagogues handing out syllabi and posting advisement hours outside a wooden door. Bless your hearts...

4. PEANUT BUTTER

Aside from the potassium, protein and monosaturated fat it provides, PB has come to be my adult pacifier I guess. The physical and mental grind(s) often true of long days, leave me wanting a quick fix. Seeing me come through the door, put down my keys and reaching for a spoon in route to the cupboard by the fridge with haste is no uncommon scene. No exaggeration: I go through multiple jars per week. I’ve come to heavily rely on the food’s texture, and I often think about it when it’s not near. In some circles, I believe it’s called fatal attraction or obsession or whatever. I’m not an addict; I can quit at anytime. Wait...excuse me...I have to venture to the cupboard. 

3. RUNNING CLUBS

When people ask me about my ongoing love affair with the sport of running, I tell them this: “I’ve never solved one of my problems while running. But I guarantee you, I’d have more if I didn’t run.” The act of striding down city streets no matter the season is something so ingrained in me that when there is an unforeseen hiatus from the cherished pastime, my universe seems tilted and bent to a degree where all things become magnified yet lacking gravitational sense. Historically speaking, my runs have largely been solo efforts. This year, I found myself running with various groups on a weekly basis, and the experiences have not only spurred on a satisfying camaraderie, but more importantly helped in making me a better cheerleader. My running community truly is made up of individuals from all walks of life and varying athletic abilities, yet one things rings true across our anaerobic thresholds: we support and encourage one another along the roads, trails and hills we cross. The discipline of rooting others on translates to other facets and arenas, and I remain utterly proud to say: I AM A RUNNER. Long live Monday and Wednesday nights!

2. PAIN

Weird, trying, sad, eye-opening, revelatory, daunting, majestic, crowning, solitary, awe-inspiring and troubling are some of the many words I’d use to characterize the year that is 2019. Moreover, I’m calling it the most important year of my life thus far for various reasons, most notably the removal of certain comfort zones I operated in for so long. I’m thankful for the pain that comes about during the process of refinement. To borrow lyrics from the pop hit Thank You, Next, I’ve loved, and I’ve lost to a degree where I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. Is it possible for the chemical composition of a man to undergo extreme alterations yet his outside appearance remain the same? Verily, verily, verily I do think as much. I will only be alarmed when broken hearts tell us they are in no need of repair. 

1. KIDS 

To describe me without mentioning my children is to map out my internal organs and purposely leave out the tributaries which lead to my heart. Fatherhood is unequivocally the hardest role I have. However, I am reminded of its huge implications going forward and know all too well, its blessings tromp its frustrations. I’m thankful for all our adventures, for these are the times when I feel like the two of them- full of wonder and newness. I’m thankful for the nights when I read by their bedsides, knowing one day they’ll unintentionally phase me out. I’m grateful for the times when I set out to teach them something trivial, and I end up learning something profound. I’m thankful for the thought of them truly warms me on cold rainy days and invigorates a man’s weary legs. In fact, I’m just about thankful for all children. They seem to have life’s most important questions figured out. It’s those damn adults who get in their heads, and from there, the doubts and second-guessing commence. 

This year, just what are you thankful for? I’d love to hear from you. And as always: he who wrote this, thanks you for giving him something you can’t get back. And that is your time. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone :)