#I fucking hate working in a place w a commercial service

[handern]

having to do tours in english for exchange students is such bullshit when they're not from an english speaking country

the foreign students aren't studying french and don't speak english!

the french students don't speak english either!

the teachers don't know the very specific vocabulary I'm using in english and can't translate it to their students!

I'm having a bad time bc I can see my audience is struggling!

everyone loses!

[eueden]

 ⟨ MAUDE APATOW. CIS FEMALE. SHE/HER. ⟩ though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, EDEN KOPPELMAN is actually a descendent of H E S T I A. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY-THREE year old VETERINARY from CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA has taken after their godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite THOUGHTFUL & QUIXOTIC.

hi, hello, allô, hola, ciao, ella here again with another character. okay so there’s not much to say about me that most of you don’t already know, i have no life and i’m always lurking even if i never do replies (don’t tell the admins) hgsghssghs anyway, this is eden and in a shocking turn of events i actually have a good idea of who she is and look i even made a graphic, if that’s ain’t dedication then i don’t what it is.

basic information.

NAME: eden atara koppelman

PRONUNCIATION: EE - d uh n

NICKNAME: E?? idk

GENDER: cis female

PLACE OF BIRTH: brisbane, queensland, australia

HOMETOWN: cape town, south africa

DATE OF BIRTH: june 26, 1997

AGE: twenty-three

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: heterosexual so far but secretly curious

MAJOR: veterinary

EXTRACURRICULARS: president of the jewish student association, vice president of the herpetology club, president of the volunteer service, women in leadership member, student government member

SPORTS: captain of the climbing team and co-captain of the track & field team

character inspo.

Jessica Day (New Girl) ✖ ✖ ✖ ✖

Elliott Reid (Scrubs) ✖ ✖ ✖ ✖ ✖ ✖

Amy Santiago (Brooklyn 99) ✖ ✖ ✖ ✖

background.

tw: death, infant death, car accident, fire

Eden was born in Brisbane, Australia. She comes from an animal lover family. Her grandparents are very popular down under because they had an animal TV show à la Steve Irwin. Her dad followed their footsteps and it’s a well-known zoologist who also had some TV shows (think of Bear Grylls).

TW: death, infant death, car accident. Matthias Koppelman (her dad) had been previously married but lost his wife and child in a car accident and after that he isolated himself from the public eye and moved to Namibia. 

At twenty-eight, he felt the need to climb Mount Everest as one does, ya know? But ofc this man hadn’t climbed in years (he had experience but he’d been too sad to climb mountains. I mean he could barely leave bed, let alone climb Everest). That didn’t stop him and he did.

He almost d worded there bc as I said he was not ready but that’s when Hestia queen of fire showed up and warmed him (in a non sexual way bc she’s pure okay) and he was like oh that was a near dead experience and didn’t think much.

After he conquered the Everest with the help of Hestia, he moved back to Australia and oh surprise a few months later he opened his door and voilá a bebé was there with a note that said “you deserve to have a family, love hestia” 

He was shocked like “did i just impregnate a fantasy?”  but then Hestia was kind enough to send another and explain everything.

Anyway, Eden lived in Brisbane for four years before her dad took a job in South Africa. They moved to Cape Town (and her grandparents came with them) and pretty much had a happy life surrounded by animals. 

TW: fire. When she was nine, her dad took her to a game reserve in Limpopo and by some reason a fire started endangering animals and flora. Everyone was panicking bc I mean wouldn’t u? But Eden was attracted to the flames like a pyro (the good kind tho) and since everyone had better things to do than taking care of a child, they left her unsupervised and she delved into the fire.

Ofc nothing happened to her because ✨immunity✨ but guess who showed up again? Hestia!!!! Being a great goddess and mom, she taught Eden how to use her powers so she could absorb the fire and save all the animals and people. 

Everyone was like holy shit a miracle and the firefighters were like “the fuck? we did shit but we gonna take the credit lol”

Eden was like “did that just happen?” and yes, it did but she was like “meh that was imagination” and her dad was like *nervous chuckle* “yeah…” because he didn’t want to tell her the truth since that could put her in danger.

At 13, she had her bat mitzvah and it was all fun and games until fire lady showed up aka Hestia. Her dad and Hestia explained everything and Eden was like: 

Hestia claimed her and off to camp she went. For the next few years she went to camps all over the world as a treat.

She never went on a quest bc she was afraid and also because she couldn’t put herself in danger and risk losing her life bc her dad already had lost a child… so yeah

Her dad remarried when she was seventeen and a year later she welcomed a new baby brother and that’s why she decided to take a gap year to be with her bro and also work with her dad in the reserves.

She moved to Athens when she was nineteen and decided to go into veterinary school. So yes Ella will get her dog one way or another idc what the admins say :chaos:

Ahhhh that’s all folks!!! We did it!

FULL BIO (yes, i completed it this time)

personality.

Eden never loses her sense of curiosity. You could say that she sees life through rose colored glasses as if she lived on the edge of a mirror country where worldly objects come to life, where flora and fauna assume almost human qualities.  

She has the ability to see the good in almost anyone or anything and tends to sympathize with even the most unfriendly person. She often hides the extreme depth of feelings from her, even from herself, until circumstances elicit a passionate response. 

She has a deep sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. She sees the world as a place full of possibilities and potentials and is governed by her intuition. She is quite reserved and is not easily manipulated. 

She is a good listener and considerate, they try to care for and understand others in a deep way. She can be very calm and intuitive with the people around her, being able to search for hidden meanings in the actions and words of others.

Of course, all of life is not rosy and Eden is not exempt from suffering the same disappointments and frustrations that are common to others. She tends to be a perfectionist and often strives for personal ideals that can be exhausting or very difficult to obtain.

She also struggles with time management, always leaving everything to the last minute claiming she “works better under pressure” but the truth is she’s just a procrastinator. 

Very sensible, she cries almost every day either because of a commercial or a sweet story she read on Facebook. It doesn’t matter, if it’s slightly emotional she will shed some tears.

powers.

pyrokinesis: This power first manifested when she was nine years old and she helped to save an animal reserve from the flames with the help of Hestia. Since she was claimed when she was thirteen, she’s learned how to use this power. Now she can summon fire without any problem and put it out just as fast. This is very helpful because she loves baking but she’s a bit clumsy so she often burns herself, but thankfully, she’s immune, so no pain. However, Eden has never been able to create a hot wall of flames nor she has ever asked how to do that, she just hopes she never has to use it.

serenity inducement: Eden avoids conflict at all cost, not only it makes her cry but also makes her very uncomfortable and anxious which is why this was the first power she manifested. She was just a child but from what she remembers it was during a class in preschool that a kid started hitting another one. Eden panicked at such an act of violence she went there and touched the bully’s shoulder which immediately calmed him. Back then she didn’t know it was a power but after finding out about her true identity, many other events like this started to make sense. This is the power she uses the most, also with animals which is why she makes such a good veterinarian because she can calm an animal's nerves.

bond manipulation: She wouldn’t say this is one of her weakest powers but it’s one she didn’t use often growing up because she came from such a stable family that it didn’t seem necessary, however, she sometimes catches herself using it in group projects or at her workplace, you know, to keep things healthy and positive.

ability to summon food: By far the one she uses the least (personally speaking), she likes cooking and baking, so she doesn’t see the point but she does use it to feed stray animals.

headcanons.

Eden speaks fluent English, she has a mixed South African and Australian accent but she can switch. At school, half of her classes were in Afrikaans, so she also speaks it fluently. Greek comes from her demigod side, but she also took some classes back in school upon her father’s request. Growing up in a very Jewish family, her grandparents believed it was pretty important that Eden learned Yiddish and Hebrew, she can read it perfectly but struggles speaking it, especially Yiddish because she also attended Hebrew school. As for French, she learned in high school and she still takes lessons at Eonia but she hates it.

Her father started taking her to a climbing gym when she was five and by the time she was ten she was already climbing 6a routes which is pretty much an intermediate level and very impressive for her age. 

She had her own TV show on Discover Kids titled “Eden’s Wildlife Adventure” in which she explained the importance of different types of animals. The first seasons were shot between Australia and South Africa, but in later seasons she traveled across Africa and South America. The show ran from 2005-2011 (which was when she was claimed).

Dreams of climbing Mount Everest before her 30th birthday.

Her father is a classic rock band and so is she. Her animals have been named after influential musicians. Right now she has a cat named Hendrix, a horse named Cobain, a dog named Mick. Growing up her father took care of a baby lion which they named Little Richard because he was smaller than most lion cubs. Over the years, his father and grandparents have fostered several wild animals while they recover or before they are sent to a reserve. Among the animals they have fostered are elephants, giraffes, zebras, cheetahs, leopards, hippos and more.

While she loves rock, she’s also a sucker for 2000s pop. Please don’t ask her about modern artists because she’s clueless. 

She’s fed up with the Mean Girl jokes, we get it she grew up in Africa and she’s white.

She is a proud Jewish girl and follows many traditions. She does attend the local synagogue during Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah. And of course, Hanukkah is her favorite holiday. Her family practices Reform Judaism, so she doesn’t follow a kosher diet.

Eden was raised as a vegan and her whole family is vegan. In the past years, she has been in the process of becoming vegetarian.

Favorites: Anything written by Agatha Christie(book); Say Anything (1989) (movie); Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fear (song); 

Again, no one asked me but I will reply: “Ella, does Eden hate Iker?” “Well, thanks for asking. In a shocking turn of events, no she doesn’t. How come you might ask? Well, she doesn’t hate anyone but if she ever did then yes, she would hate him.”

pinterest | wanted connections

[regretsdelusionstoughluck]

PART 3

WEDNESDAY MORNING

While Damon was online looking for odd jobs he noticed an add for dancers needed. He’s had a stripper license since he was 19 and used this as a means for extra money when not deployed. He sent this to Oliver in an email prior to calling him on his way to the pharmacy.

“Morning”

“Check out the email”

As he pulled out his iPad, he saw the email

“What the fuck is this?”

“Strippin....you already do way more,  plus a bachelorette party would get you a killing. I used to dance at a few of them when I was home”

“Got anything else?”

“Banquets, I know a lot of companies. I can send you a list of catering companies you could do work for. What you got going on right now?”

“Laying on the couch, going into the office”

[Really? That’s the best you got? What part of “I want out of this life do you not understand?]

While he wasn’t thrilled about it, he took some time to think about t and he realized that bachelorette parties are for the entertainment value and he did keep his body in shape. However, didn’t want his current situation to mirror that of “The Players Club”.

Oliver got up from the couch to fix himself an omelette while continuing to talk. “Yo, I got you on speaker phone, doing some stuff in the kitchen”

“Man, remember when we were young and we would see vacationers out here, we vowed that one day it would be us taking trips with our families?”

“I do, and when I look at where I’m at, I think to myself “What the actual fuck?”

[We were lied to. In 2008, when we were in high school, we were told to go to college. That it was the ticket to a successful life. What they didn’t tell us is that the economy would tank. They didn’t go cover any alternatives. They never went over the cost of living and the fact that people here are working three jobs. I should have seen this with my own parents. Dad worked for the state and then worked as a janitor in the evenings. Mom still works as a financial aid officer at a state college. The preparation sucked. What the fuck am I gonna use creative writing for? Why was that in school?]

He cut the conversation short to eat his breakfast and get a shower in before work. Afterwards, he ironed a pair of pants and a golf shirt and heaved to the office where the direction informed him and Claudia:

“I have a project for the two of you. Our event is coming up at the mall. You two are going to be drawing outlines to these animal pieces on the construction poet right there. We’re expecting about 200 kids”

“No problem” Oliver said looking at the green construction paper in front of him

“It’ll be a breeze” Claudia assured him as she took a pair of scissors and the elephant trunk and demonstrated. 

“So it’s like build a bear type of think but with other animals but they’re decorating their bags with them. That’s cute”

“Yeah, so are you gonna go to the career fair next week”

“The one at the convention center?”

“Yea, I heard there’s going to be several companies there.”

[Resume-FEMA, fucking, and non-profit]

“I plan on it. Do you know if any government agencies are gonna be there? I couldn’t find a roster anywhere”

“Not sure”

They continued working while talking about goals and aspirations when he noticed an alert on her phone. Knowing the conference due to getting the same alert an hour earlier, he asked her how she knew about it? Somewhat embarrassed, she snapped “What are you doing looking at my phone?!”

“I merely glanced over!” he exclaimed before taking her aside and confessing to being involved in the worlds oldest profession “I hate it. One would think attractive people and pleasure but there’s no real live and frankly it feels like a modern version of slavery. I can’t get a decent date to save my life”

After a moment of silence, she admitted that she was a phone sex operator and that she worked in evenings. “I have a friend who also is in high class escorting”

“High class?”

“Let’s talk about it later? How about we meet for a drink after work? We need to get a bit more of this done.”

Meanwhile, Damon was scouting on the web when his eye caught the attention of a webcam modeling website.

 He though about his current life and how he’d mange to file his taxes. He normally got a 1090 at the end of the year. He also though about the repercussions of this and the thought that the clientele could  be from his local area. He had a flashback to being deployed in Germany where he and some buds where in a night club, partying surrounded by beautiful women. “We are like royalty!”  He thought about a conversation he had with his peer about wanting to serve for eight years and then retire and start college. Little did he know that half way though that time frame that he’d suffer a back injury along w/ PTSD from witnessing the death of a friend at the hands of a grenade.

He applied for work with multiple agencies and thought about how he could sporadically work vs checking in daily. With webcam modeling he could set his own schedule. With that in mind he decided to text Oliver.

“Who was that?”

“My friend Damon”

“So about how long have you with with this company?”

“About six months. I’m trying to start grad school”

They chatted while filing paperwork. They talked about politics, racial issues, economic issues, and the like. Claudia made for good company. She graduated with two degrees. She majored in English Education and Journalism and worked as a teacher’s aide for a period. She was tired of the work with virtually no pay. She responded to an add. Currently she works for a phone sex. One has seen the commercials late at night. She’s one of them. Definitely more conventional than Oliver’s current job. 

As he was getting ready to eat lunch, she Claudia asked him if he wanted to eat while they worked. “Sure” he said as he went to grab his lunch out of his bag. 

“We work with several schools in their special ed departments”

“What do y’all do?”

”We will be finalizing contracts for events mainly. But we do outreach and after school programs on social etiquette and speech practices our goal is to  help those with autism be as integrated into society as possible” Noticing Oliver’s garden salad, she asked him “you health conscious?”

“Yep. Grew up like that. My parent’s rarely fried anything, but they didn’t ban them from the house. My mom was always big on vitamins and drinking plenty of water. I practice that today, to keep things under control. Being a diabetic, I have to watch it.”

Shocked at the revelation she asked him when he was diagnosed. He was diagnosed at 6 years old.

“I’m trying to lose weight, but I find myself emotionally eating more than I should”

Trying to avoid saying anything that could be interpreted as offensive, he simply said that he had his days too, hence the reason he goes to the gym six days/week, doing a combination of cardio and weights. After they finished eating lunch, they cut more construction paper and bagged it. They filed folders away for about an hour when Oliver signed out.”See you tomorrow?”

“You’ll see me in a couple of hours.”

The sun was beaming as Oliver drove home. He rolled down his window and plugged his phone in to have some music playing. He checked the mail and saw the electric bill was in. “Shouldn’t be this much” he said “I’m never home”

He checked his email as well as his escorting profile receiving three request including one overnight stay. Booking these trips back to back, he thought about his weekly check at $8.75/hr at 25 hrs per week along w/ the money from the three client’s that he’d earn. He’d have enough to pay his final payment on his only student loan and to pay his car note.

He kicked off his shoes to give his feet some air and called his mom.

[I’m being nice. This place is a shithole, in fact the only reason my unit isn’t laden with roaches is because I frequently buy those foggers and then I have to open the damn windows and door risking my shit being stolen. Also, Bengal and Boric Acid along the cracks and corners have done wonders.]

He looked up and realized that it was time to meet Claudia. He traded in his work outfit for a pair or black cargo shorts, a zero-nineteen tank top from K-Mart, and a pair of flip-flops and headed out. He got in the truck, turned the air on and arrived to the bar 20 minutes later. Locating Claudia at a table in the bar area we walked in to meet her when the waiter took their drink order.

[She’s a pharmacy tech and she still needs to be a lady of the evening by night? I’m fucked-literally and figuratively]

She advised him to update his profile to include massages and casual dates at a lower rate. While they were talking, A woman walks up, dark skin, about 5′9, in her mid 20s. She spotted Claudia and walked in the sit next to her.

“Hey chick!”

“Hey!”

“Hello, I’m Aya, how are your doing?” she said as she reached out to shake Oliver’s hand

“Oliver, I’m good. How about you?”

“So this is the guy? He’s cute”

“He’s taken”

“Actually I’m very available”

After ordering a drink, she begin to explain to Oliver how she got into her current part time job.  “I started off escorting however a client of mine introduced me to a coworker of his that owned a matchmaking service. I showed up to a mixer I went out on one date. I never saw the guy again afterwards. That said, he did mention to me that he had utilized services where one would rent a dates for events. I eventually branched off and begin advertising on craigslist and the like.”

“So do you still...….you  know?”

“Sporadically, but that’ll cost extra.”

Later that night, he decided to update his profile w/ additional services offered. He decided to try out a couple of speed dating events himself. He might even snap a client or two.  Perhaps, he’d been looking in the wrong places, maybe it was time for more upscale social functions. His current evening work was not a glamorous job and frankly it was quite dangerous. 

[Prostitution can be traced back as far as biblical times. Not a new profession and it’s a profession that’s always been available for the money. Sometimes, we use it to pay off a loan or some sort of debt. For others, it’s the love of sex. Some just like the temporary luxury that comes with being one’s bitch. Me? I’d like nothing more than to settle down. I know there’s a way. It may take a while to find it, but I refuse to have THIS be my stop.]

STORY SYNOPSIS

CHARACTERS

PART 4 TO FOLLOW

[daylightarchives]

JULY REVIEWS: AMINÉ, ARCADE FIRE, AVEY TARE, JAPANESE BREAKFAST

AMINÉ/GOOD FOR YOU, AND THE TYRANNY OF THE QUAVO FEATURE

How many variations on the same ideas and themes can the new faces of hip-hop in 2017 release before they find themselves retreading old ground creatively? Maybe this will come off grumpy or nostalgic, but I remember a time when major releases in hip hop were portraits of artists teeming with ideas and opinions that they could barely fit into their verses. I’m not talking about ’96 - I’m talking about fucking 2013. Remember when Acid Rap, Yeezus, Born Sinner, Watching Movies With The Sound Off, Doris, Long Live A$AP, Wolf, Old, Trap Lord, and let’s just throw in Nothing Was The Same all came out in the same year? Every single one of those albums represented to me at least an attempt at differentiation from the pack, with each album I mentioned (and a whole bunch of others) being pretty unique stylistically and having some sort of unique artistic statement to make. (Note: I don’t mean to imply that I think 2013 or any other year was some perfect year for hip hop, and really didn’t like Eminem, Jay-Z, and Pusha T’s records from that year; I’m simply using it to illustrate a larger point about the rap landscape in 2017 versus just a few short years ago.) 

Now, since we’re discussing Aminé’s debut, let’s take a look at debuts of 2013 vs. debut albums in 2017: Chance the Rapper (discounting 10-Day) came out with a breathlessly excited record overstuffed with influences ranging from juke to gospel that was produced almost entirely in house by a team of incredible producers. Earl Sweatshirt, bless his heart, took Odd Future’s adversarial approach a step further with an album that rejected the mainstream at every turn and instead showcased verses from his friends, full of adolescent provocations. Big rap debuts in 2017 have, at least to me, been a lot harder to distinguish from one another, and believe me, I know just how gross and grumpy and uncool that sounds. Whether it’s Lil Yachty stumbling over beats from the big Atlanta names (Metro Boomin, TM88, etc) with a pop exception (Diplo), 21 Savage stumbling over beats from the big Atlanta names with an occasional left-turn (Jake One), or, now, unfortunately, Aminé doing more or less the same (albeit with production assists from admittedly exciting names like Malay and Frank Dukes), I can’t help but feel like these new guys (less notable, but similar cases include Post Malone and the collected works of XXXTentacion; notable exceptions include D.R.A.M., and, by technicality, Brockhampton, who aren't really rapping about anything new, but are commendably doing everything in house) are painting themselves into a corner by focusing on the meme-iest qualities of their music and not on the ideas or unique approaches that put their peers on the map in the first place. 

I don’t want to be unfair to Aminé here. This is a guy who put himself on the map with a pretty strong indie sensibility, impeccable taste, and an ear for catchy hooks (all of which figured big in the success of his breakout single, “Caroline.”) I feel for this guy, and anyone who’s paying attention can tell he’s taking a stab at cementing himself as a serious name in hip hop: he’s doing a newspaper at the release parties in the big cities á la Frank Ocean’s Boys Don’t Cry magazine, and refers to himself as a student of André at least once on Good For You (he wishes.) And, I definitely hear at least an attempt at conveying all of the unique aspects of Aminé’s artistic personality on Good For You. Unfortunately, the indie cred is shot at and missed on the Girlpool featuring “Hero,” which fails for me because, I don’t know, bringing in a feminist folk punk band would feel like a more genuine move if the next song wasn't a generic exercise in “I can’t trust these hoes” on “Spice Girl,” a song that itself doesn’t feel particularly genuine about its subject in the first place. Frankly, it’s within that dichotomy, of making attempts at crossing over and developing inroads with other audiences versus shamelessly pandering to the /r/hiphopheads crowd, that illustrates exactly what doesn't work for me about Good For You: Aminé sacrifices so much of the unique, charming personality that made “Caroline” exciting to deliver so much more of the same shit that was getting boring to me last year when everyone was still obsessed with Future and Young Thug (and, as someone who honest to god likes those artists, it doesn’t feel good to say that).

Seriously, I can’t imagine how contrarian this review must come off, especially considered in context with the increasingly entrenched meme status of Aminé, 21, and whoever else I might have shit on in the process of writing this review. But the major label debut’s of 21 Savage and Lil Yachty did not sell well, like at all, and who’s to say how well Good For You will end up doing for Aminé; still, I wish him the fullest financial and artistic success, and I think every successful artist in the financial sinkhole that is the 2017 music industry is a miracle. I just feel like the time has come to question the sustainability of the model: tweet worthy one-liners, Quavo features, and throwaway beats from Metro Boomin seem to be doing less and less in terms of providing new hip-hop artists in 2017 any sort of commercial success or artistic longevity. And as much as I hate to say it, for all of its commendable qualities, Good For You to me is an undeniably homogenous record that loses too much of its personality in the quest to be a hit in the model that Future established after his incredible mixtape run in 2014: heavy on mantra-like hooks, almost monotonously consistent sonically, and almost totally bankrupt of lyrical ideas beyond the bare minimum (to quote Hov, money cash hoes). I just wonder if it ever occurred to Aminé that Caroline blew up precisely because it didn't sound like anyone else could’ve done it.

What do you guys think of Good For You, and the hip-hop landscape of 2017 on the whole? Does everyone sound the same? Are we settling for less in the name of hyper-modernity? Am I totally full of shit? I wouldn’t be entirely surprised, but, hey, who knows. Are you guys getting more out of this record than I am? I’m looking forward to learning more, but in the mean time, I hope Aminé and anyone else hoping to break out in rap is taking some time to figure out what they can do to set themselves apart from the pack and make a truly unique statement. (unfortunately, NOT VERY GOOD)

Great Songs: STFU, Sundays, HeebieJeebies (feat. Kehlani)

ARCADE FIRE/EVERYTHING NOW

Everything Now, Arcade Fire’s followup to their 2014 album Reflektor, ditches the urgency of that last record, which is a blessing and a curse. I didn’t necessarily want to hear a rehash of the sonics and lyrical concepts of Reflektor, but Everything Now is an admittedly solid addition to the Arcade Fire discography, and it fortuitously corrects the mistake of the last record by being way less overt about attempts to replicate the most anthemic moments of Funeral and The Suburbs. The workaround w/r/t that anthem thing is that Arcade Fire is pretending to be way too mired down in the “everything now” sensory overload concept (like The Suburbs, this album has three title tracks and two “Infinite Content(s),” and the genuinely catchy tracks are very short) to focus on trying to write another “Wake Up.” Of course, like most other Arcade Fire albums, Everything Now is really about paying lip service to the concept (over and over again), more invoking the idea than ever engaging with it, and then letting the listener fill in the blanks.  Sometimes, it works: two-part centerpiece “Infinite Content” is awesome (the second one might be my favorite Arcade Fire song in years), and lines evoking “clouds of Ambien” on “Put Your Money On Me” are almost affecting enough to distract from how cheesy that song is. But the things that didn’t work on Reflektor (attempts at dancehall, Win Butler trying to sound cool) don’t really work here either - “Chemistry” and “Peter Pan” are really just outright clunkers, is basically what I’m saying. I admire Everything Now for its commitment to songcraft over being pointlessly anthemic, and for honing in on what worked on Reflektor - but like U2, or any other “big statement” rock band, Arcade Fire pretty frequently leaves me wondering how necessary they really are in the broader musical landscape. (MEH/GOOD)

Great Tracks: Infinite Content, Infinite_Content, Good God Damn

AVEY TARE/EUCALYPTUS

After two or three albums worth of hyperactive insanity with Animal Collective and another with a one-off joke band (Avey Tare’s Slasher Flicks,) it’s a pleasant surprise to get an Avey Tare album as clear-headed, serene, and classically psychedelic as Eucalyptus. Gone are the overstuffed arrangements, awkwardly fast tempos, and sonic mush that polluted albums like Centipede Hz and Painting With; on Eucalyptus, the pace stays breezy, the instrumentation stays simple (acoustic guitars, occasional hand drumming, and a wealth of psychedelic sound effects shattering across the mix,) and the songs themselves are presented relatively unadorned and free from unnecessary added fat. Furthermore, Tare’s strength for heartrending melodies is here in full force, providing tracks like opener “Season High” and album centerpiece “In Pieces” with a lot of emotional heft - I don’t think that I’ve been this charmed by an Animal Collective record on the strength of its melodies alone since, shit, Feels? Since this is an Avey Tare record we’re talking about, there are some pitfalls to be expected that, unfortunately, Eucalyptus does fall into: extremely esoteric lyrics, strange mixing decisions, and highly unorthodox song structures are all over this record. Animal Collective fans are used to/love that anyways, though. (GOOD)

Great Songs: Season High, In Pieces, When You Left Me

JAPANESE BREAKFAST/SOFT SOUNDS FROM ANOTHER PLANET

Another month in 2017, another mind-blowingly good release from a breakout female-fronted indie act - let’s hope that trend keeps up! This might speak to my ignorance of Japanese Breakfast, but I went into Soft Sounds expecting a pretty standard, low key indie release; what I got was an incredibly bold, ambitious album containing shades of shoegaze, ambient, ‘60s style chamber pop, and even a straight up disco song. Did I mention it’s also kind of a concept album? Japanese Breakfast bandleader Michelle Zauner effortlessly strings together song after classic sounding song, jumping from genre to genre with ease and consistently impressing with the strength of her lyrics and songwriting: “Diving Woman” doubles as a driving post-punk epic and a solid mission-statement opener, “Road Head” is a sleek, sexy vocal showcase for Zauner’s incredible range, and “Machinist” is that disco moment I mentioned, complete with a spoken-word intro and copious amounts of autotune (trust me it works); I could keep going, but those are literally the first three songs on the album in sequence, and I could speak that highly of almost every other track. The album does have its issues, however minor: while I love the melodies behind Zauner’s vocals, her singing hasn’t impressed me too too much, and her delivery on some of the more intense tracks is a little breathless; and, while the ambient interludes are nice, I don’t know how much I’m personally into the decision to end the album with one. Still, do yourself a favor and throw this whole album into your summer playlist. Support intersectionality, support women in music, and, most importantly, support GOOD music - Japanese Breakfast is all of those things, and especially that last thing. (GREAT)

Great Songs: Road Head, Soft Sounds From Another Planet, ‘Till Death

[jimlingss]

Rent-a-Boyfriend™

Words: 12k Genre: Extreme fluff for all you bitter people out there (me being included) Read the sequel drabble: here Read more at Service Series 

Cr.

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“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” His voice blares over the phone and you move away, wincing.

“What the fuck Hoseok? Do you even know what time it is over here?” You groan, rubbing the sleep from your eyes.

“Honestly? No.” He laughs. “The time zones over here are pretty different. What? It’s like nine am?”

“Yes. Fuck.” You moan, scratching your bedhead. “I wanted to sleep in.”

“But it’s your birthday!” He whines.

“Exactly. I’ve been busting my ass at work these past few days. Just let me sleep.” You sigh. “Even when you’re half across the ocean, you’re still annoying me.”

“I just feel bad that you’re spending your birthday alone.”

“Who said I’m spending it alone?”

“Well...what are your plans then?”

Netflix. Wine. In your pajamas on the couch all day. “None of your business.” You sharply answer and he giggles.

“Are you planning to just order pizza and catch up on some TV?”

“Hey!” You shout defensively. “What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing.” You can practically envision his wide grin. “It’s just I got you a birthday gift. It should be arriving any second now.”

“Wha-” Right on cue, the doorbell rings and you groan. “Give me a second!” You shout, staggering to your feet and pulling a cardigan over your pajamas. “What the hell did you get me Hoseok?” You mutter and he only laughs in response.

The moment you open the door, you’re met with a taller, blonde boy standing in front of you. He’s looking at you expectantly, suppressing a huge smile with lips upturned. Without a doubt, he’s cute; dashing to say the least and outwardly handsome, even a blind person would agree. But you were too tired to ogle him for long and you were already popping your head out the doorway, darting your eyes around. Where was the package?

“Hello.” The delivery man grins and you look back at him, wondering why he was wearing a fancy, black suit.

“Hi…” You grumble out with your sleepy voice. “Do you have something for me?”

“Have something for you…?” He tilts his head, a bit confused. “Oh! Should I have gotten you flowers?”

“What?”

“I’ll keep a mental note to get you flowers next time.” He beams at you. “What kind of flowers do you like?”

“Wait….” Your frown deepens and your temples begin pulsing. Hoseok giggles on the phone. “I’m going to have to call you back.” You mumble, quickly hanging up. The stranger blinks with a charming smile. “Who are you?”

“Oh!” He jumps. “I haven’t introduced myself at all, huh? I deeply apologize! My name is Kim Taehyung!”

“And…?”

“And I’m your boyfriend!”

You freeze, hand still on your doorknob and mouth drawing open. Maybe this is some sort of dream; you’ve been single for so long, so your subconscious drew up some kind of fantasy of a cute stranger appearing at your doorstep, calling himself your boyfriend. That must be it. There’s no other way.

You’re gawking at him dumbfounded, words repeating slowly in your head as the gears begin to crank in your brain.

‘I’m your boyfriend!’

The last time you checked, you didn’t have a boyfriend.

He grins, looking more adorable than ever at your confusion.

“WHAT?!”

//

Are YOU lonely? Need someone to cuddle at night? Are your parents or family members pestering you? Have aunts that won’t leave you alone? Are you going to a wedding without a plus one? Do you have someone you need to show off to? Have someone who won’t leave you alone?

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You reach for the remote, shutting off the television before the commercial can even finish. The flashes and neon lights of the advertisement still burn to the back of your eyes.

“Do you get it now?” Taehyung’s eyes twinkle as he grins at you.

You’re baffled, not knowing how to cope when everything was unravelling so quickly in your hands. “Uhhhhh……” He waits patiently for your response, sitting on the edge of your couch. “Just...give me a second. I need to make a phone call…”

You grab your phone off the table, beginning to retreat backwards into your bedroom. “Okay.” He quips with the tilt of his head.

You bolt to your room, shutting the door.

“What the hell Hoseok?” You immediately speak the moment the call goes through.

He laughs over the phone. “I guess he came?”

“Yeah, he showed up all right. The fuck is all this? What were you thinking?! Are you insane?!”

“Hey, hey, loosen up, will you? I thought it was a fun idea. You know it’ll help you relax and chill out. You’re always stressed out anyways.”

You sigh, ruffling your bird’s nest hair. “It’s as sketchy as hell.”

“No it’s not.” He whines in a half grumble. “My cousin used it during her sister’s wedding. They’re legit! You don’t have to worry about your house getting robbed or anything like that.”

“I even personally picked out the guy for you!” Hoseok adds on and your frown only deepens, especially when you’re trying to untangle the knots in your hair.

“What? What did you even say?”

“Well...I requested a fun-loving guy that’s energetic and cute. Your type right?”

“Hoseok. That’s my fucking opposite type.” You run a hand over your face in exasperation. “You know I like chill people! Mellow and not exhausting to be around!”

He laughs again and if he wasn’t across the ocean, you probably would’ve tried strangling him. “At least he’s cute right? I mean, they sent me a bunch of pictures and I picked him.” You groan. “Hey, just think of it as getting a massage or paying for a simple service to just wind down at the end of the day...like an escort?”

“...I’m going to kill you when you come back here.”

“That’s in two months Y/N~”

“I fucking hate you and your shit and the shit you put me through.”

“Trust me, this is good. Have I ever, ever made you do something that wasn’t good?”

“You made me fucking hike up that mountain.”

“And it was fun! Right? ��...Aside from the part where you broke your ankle...but everything turned out fine!”

You sigh. “I’m leaving. He’s still waiting.”

“Don’t leave your new boyfriend waiting Y/N~ Bye!”

“Bye bitch.” You hang up a minute later, finally getting yourself up from your unmade bed to the door.

Maybe he’s right, you begin to think to yourself. Your life hadn’t been that exciting in the past few months, especially in the romance area and maybe this is what you needed all along. Maybe a pretend boyfriend will be good practice to somehow reel you into the right path again.

You’re nodding to yourself, walking back into your living room. But the moment you turn your head, he’s still waiting and sitting on the edge of your couch with a huge grin, like a puppy.

That’s when you realize….

You can’t do this.

What kind of person has a fake boyfriend to play pretend?! This is a human life, not the sims game! It’s not like you were even lonely in the first place! You don’t need a man to be happy! Fuck Hoseok and what he thinks is good for you or fun. He can go eat your dirty socks.

“Get out.” You hitch your thumb at your main door.

Taehyung’s eyes widen and his lips fall. He leans forward, blinking once. “W-what?”

“Go away. I don’t need your service. Thanks but no thanks.” You cross your arms. “I’m not interested.”

“W-wait..hold on.”

You eject the cd of the commercial, slapping it into his hands while dragging his arm up and to the door. “D-do you still not understand how this works?”

“Oh. I understand all right. Please leave.” You open the door, ready to shove him out, but he still stands at the doorway, foot blocking so that you can’t slam it in his face.

“Wait! Wait! Your friend already prepaid an entire month!?!!” He’s looking more confused as ever, desperate and shocked.

A fucking month? Holy sh-

“You gotta be kidding me.” You raise your hand to your forehead. “NO! Just get out!”

“Did I do something wrong?!”

The both of you are struggling at the door, you trying to push him out but him trying to push inside. “No! You didn’t do anything wrong! It’s just too fucking weird!”

“I literally can’t go! It’s already prepaid! I’m going to get yelled at and get fired!”

“Can’t you just return his deposit?!”

“No we can’t!”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know why! It’s just policy!”

“Then take the money!” You shout bitterly, still struggling.

“I can’t leave in good moral conscience!” He grits his teeth and finally wins when you take a step back, too exhausted and the door crashes against the wall. You glare at him, huffing tiredly, and he’s breathless too. “I’ll treat..you...well…” He manages. “It’s just...for a...month.”

You’re defeated.

‘It’s a fun idea.’

‘It’ll help you relax.’

‘Think of it as a service.’ ‘Think of it as a service.’ ‘Think of it as a service.’

Hoseok’s voice rings over and over and over inside your head. You scream, whipping your arms to get rid of his chirpy laughter. Maybe you really do have a few loose screws inside your head. Maybe you’re really just losing it.

You stare at Taehyung for a long time, breathing heavily with tired eyes.

“Fine.”

“What?”

“I said fine!” You scream, not believing what was falling from your lips.

His eyes twinkle and he grins. “So I can be your boyfriend?”

“What the fuck did I just get myself into?” You mutter under your breath. You nod before you can take anything back. “Yes. Yes you can.”

The stranger, Taehyung takes your hands suddenly, spinning you in a circle while he giggles. “This is going to be great! You won’t regret it!”

You sigh tiredly.

You really better not regret this.

//

He clears his throat. “So to recap…” You lean your chin in your hand, elbow to your kitchen counter. “We’re going to do everything that is romantic but no physically touching aside from hugs or cuddles, no kisses and nothing sexual or else the contract is nullified?”

Taehyung nods a bit too enthusiastically. For a moment you think he might break his own neck. “Yup! We’ll go on dates and I’ll give you texts and calls too!”

“Uh huh…Great.”

“Do you have any preferences?” He bats his lashes eagerly.

You frown. “...preferences?”

“Dating preferences!” He smiles. “Do you like the caring type? The bad boy type? The cold type? Where do you want to go on dates? Do you like being pampered with gifts?”

“No. No.” You wave your hand exhaustingly. “Anything’s fine. Just be yourself.”

He tilts his head, a slight knot between his brows. “...be myself?”

“Yeah. Just be yourself.”

It seems to take a few seconds before the request registers in his head, as if he’s never heard it before in his career. “Okay…” He nods to himself with pouted lips. “I’ll see you tomorrow then!” He smiles perfectly with a nod.

“Tomorrow?”

“Our first date! A dinner date!”

“Okay.” You sigh. “Sounds good.”

“I’ll pick you up at six!” You nod slightly when he’s at the doorway, flashing one big smile. “See you tomorrow Y/N!”

“Bye Taehyung.”

“Bye!”

“Uh huh. Bye.” You finally shut the door, sliding down the surface and wondering what the hell you just got yourself into.

…...

....

..

You just got a boyfriend, that’s what.

//

It’s a Friday night when you’re lying on your couch, thankful that the weekend is finally here. You’ve poured yourself a glass of wine, watching netflix with half-lidded eyes, dozing off slowly. You’re about to give it to the seduction of sleep, catch up on the many hours that you’ve missed for work but then your phone violently vibrates on the table (scaring the shit out of you).

Unknown number: I’ll be there in ten minutes! ~^.^~

“What the f-” You frown, rubbing your eyes. It only takes you a second before you’re suddenly wide awake again. “Oh my god.”

You rush to your bathroom, looking at the mess of makeup that was still on your face from the workday. You’re absolutely frantic, running to your closet to pull out clothes but that’s when it hits you….who cares?

It’s not like this was an actual date. It’s not like you have an actual boyfriend.

He was probably going to take you out to a burger joint anyways.

You sigh tiredly, slowing down and taking more of your time. You throw a sweater on top of your pajama top, swapping sweatpants for comfortable leggings instead, like the true lazy lifestyle you live. Then you wipe off all your makeup, splashing your face with cold water. The rest of the time, you sit back down on the couch to finish the episode that you were watching, downing the rest of the wine in your glass.

As promised, he arrives….in a fucking suit. “Good evening Y/N!” He exclaims with a grin and you nod reluctantly.

“Hey.” You look at the bouquet of red roses in his hands. “Is that for me?”

He looks down for a moment before meeting your eyes again, handing it to you. “Oh! Yes they are! They reminded me of you because they are so beautiful. And speaking of which, you do look lovely today.”

Was this guy serious? You looked like you were ready to walk to the convenience store and straight back home. “....thanks. Want to come in?”

He smiles as he steps inside your abode, watching as you place the flowers on the counter of your kitchen. “I’ve made dinner reservations at seven.”

“Sounds good.” You sigh. “You should’ve texted me when you got here though. You didn’t need to come all the way up.”

“It’s no big deal. I really don’t mind at all. I’d do anything for you.”

You turn on your heel, glaring at him. “Are you always this perfect?”

“What?”

“Nevermind.” You huff out, waving your hand. “We should get going though, right? You said the reservations were at seven?”

“Oh yes!” He practically jumps.

You usher him out of the house, locking up before the both of you head down the elevators. Like the gentleman he acts like, he opens the car door for you and guides you in. As he drives, you lean to look out the window.

“So...where are we going?”

“To a restaurant.” He smiles, sitting upright while still looking out the road.

“Uh huh…”

“How was your day today?” He asks eagerly.

“Tiring.” You add. “People can be hard to deal with.” He hums in agreement. “How was yours?”

“Me? It was good. It’s even better now that I’m with you.”

You frown at him, scoffing. “Are you being serious? You barely know me.”

He scoffs...or at least that’s what you think he did because then he suddenly turns it into a cough a second later after realizing how unchivalrous the action was. “I mean...I don’t need to know you to know what a wonderful person you are. Don’t worry though. I will get to know you well.”

He adds. “You’re my girlfriend after all.”

You’re about to object but in a way….you guess you were his girlfriend. He was technically your boyfriend.

You arrive at the restaurant soon after, Taehyung quickly exiting the car and making his way around to open your door, despite your protests. He even opens the doors of the restaurant for you and the waitress leads you to the table according to the reservations.

You’re baffled and this time - it’s not because of him.

“Taehyung.” You whisper, lowering the menu from your face. “What the hell.”

“What’s wrong?” He frowns with worry.

“You didn’t tell me that it was a fancy restaurant!” You dart your eyes around at the luxurious tables, windows draped with red curtains, the soft chandelier lights and the people dressed like it’s their wedding. The waiters and waitresses are quiet, dressed in white and sauntering around with trays in one hand. It’s the type of restaurant that people would propose at and it’s as if you were thrown into a James Bond movie.

He laughs. “Where did you think we were going to go?”

You’re still gaping at him. “I don’t know. A fast food restaurant? Somewhere to grab fries and a burger?”

His mouth is still drawn into a huge grin, one of amusement. “Why would I do that?”

“The prices here are outrageous!” You point to the steaks on the menu, costing more than two hours of your pay.

“It’s our first date. I’m not just going to bring you anywhere.” He winks and you roll your eyes. “I need to impress you.”

“And I’m so under dressed.” You look down at your leggings and sweater, your pajama shirt peeking out at the bottom. Your hair is barely put together and your face is completely bare. You can’t help but feel inferior and self-conscious to the beautiful women who strut to their seats, gown sweeping the floor.

“You look beautiful, don’t worry.” He smiles gently.

Before you can respond in curses, the waiter returns with a huge smile, looking like a stiff mannequin. “Here is your sparkling cider.” He pours it in both your glasses. “Are you ready to order?”

Taehyung looks at you and you nod. “I’ll take the chicken marsala.” It’s the cheapest thing on the menu yet it still hurts when you look at the price.

He looks over to Taehyung. “I’ll have the roasted rack of lamb.”

“Okay.” He happily takes both your menus. “I’ll get that going for you two. Please do call me if you would like anything more.”

You watch as the waiter leaves before you turn to Taehyung. You stare at him emotionlessly, and he stares back with enthusiasm. “What’s wrong?”

“From now on, don’t be cheesy.” You tell him, unfolding your napkin to sit on your lap. “I hate cheesy lines.”

He nods with thought. “Okay.”

“Just be natural. Be yourself.”

//

The both of you enjoy dinner in somewhat silence, broken by Taehyung’s nosy questions and charming one liners. You both talk about your likes and dislikes in between mouthfuls before you’re both finished. When the cheque comes, he insists that he pays and you two sit around arguing for a bit.

“I’m a working grown lady! I can pay for my own food! I probably make even more money than you!”

“It doesn’t matter! Just let me.”

“I don’t need your courtesy!”

“Don’t worry about it!”

You finally give up, and he pays, somewhat of a distraught expression on his face despite his words.

As Taehyung drives you home, you talk about Hoseok and how annoying he is even when you met him back in high school. He goes on a long rant about how dogs are better than cats and then you talk about your hobbies (netflix and wine obviously). You contemplate for a moment that it was actually a nice change of pace for once.

“You want to come in?” You ask when you’re both standing in front of your door.

“No I’m okay.” He grins. “It’s the first date so…”

You scoff with a smile. “Suit yourself.” He shifts from one foot to the other and you’re both lingering awkwardly. “Well…” You clear your throat. “I enjoyed myself today.”

His eyes widen, twinkling. “Really?!”

“Yeah...I did actually.” You admit in a smaller voice, more to yourself than him.

“That’s good.” His lips widen even more. “I’m glad. So we’ll do this again?”

“Well…” You hum out. “I’ll think about it.”

“We have a month together left…” He reminds you.

“I’ll think about it.” You repeat back and he laughs.

“I’ll text you. Goodnight Y/N.” Without a moment to think, he leans down and pecks your cheek with his soft lips, only for a mere split-second.

You’re shocked, taken back but before you can say anything, he turns and walks down the hallway. You laugh to yourself, finally entering your abode.

Maybe a boyfriend wasn’t so bad after all.

//

Taehyung texts you several times through your work day. He says good morning, if you’ve eaten lunch yet, what you were doing and a good night every single day. He even goes forth and sends selfies of himself in bed with bed hair to a picture of him drinking his morning coffee to even a dog on the street.

When you don’t respond, message after message, he calls.

“What do you want?” You draw out tiredly.

“You didn’t respond to my texts!” He whines. “I was worried! Are you busy?”

You sigh tiredly, exaggeratedly so that he can hear. “Taehyung.”

“Yes?”

“Don’t text me unless you need to.”

There’s a long drawn out silence. “Am I being too clingy for you?”

“Yes.” You immediately feel guilt, beginning to retrace your words. “I don’t mind. It’s nice actually…..” You admit. “but just less, please. A little less.”

“Okay.” You can already imagine him smiling.

“I have to get back to work now…”

“Y/N?”

“Hm?”

“Let’s go on a date tonight!”

“Date?” You frown.

“Are you busy?”

You contemplate if you should answer ‘yes’. You were tired, wanting to catch up on more tv and hit the sack earlier but you couldn’t help but feel a little bit guilty if you lied to him. Whether you wanted to admit it or not, you did enjoy yourself last time. “....no. I’m not busy.”

“Great! I’ll pick you up at eight! Let’s go to the movies! So pick which one you want! Bye Y/N!” He hangs up before you can say otherwise.

You sigh yet again.

“Your boyfriend?” A co-worker beside you chirps up in interest. She was probably eavesdropping but you don’t particularly mind, it’s not like you haven’t done it before yourself and work was going dreadfully slow today.

You manage a stiff smile and a nod. “Something like that…”

//

He picks you up from your apartment again but this time you’re already outside, so he doesn’t have to make the trip all the way to your door. Seeing you out, he profusely apologizes and asks if you were waiting for long but you answer him with a cold glare and your hand holding your phone, showing the time.

7:50 pm.

He was already ten minutes early.

“You don’t need to apologize. I wanted to wait out here.”

He nods, taking back at how you weren’t receiving all of his bullshit today.

You were just tired, from work and him. He was a bit...no he was too much.

“Are you serious?” You look at him when the both of you are in the car, a bouquet of flowers in your lap.

“Don’t you like flowers?”

“I don’t need them every single time! That’s too much!”

There’s a small, mischievous smile that appears on his lips for a split-second before it disappears. He clears his throat, becoming serious again. “Should I get you chocolates instead? Do you like jewelry?”

“No! No. I don’t want gifts. I don’t need anything.”

He bolts his head over at you with a frown, staring at you in horror.

You were completely different from all his other ‘girlfriend’ clients before who wanted him to act a certain way, give them immense affection and shower them with endless gifts. You were odd. Very odd.

Has there ever been someone like you?

“WATCH THE ROAD!” You shout, pointing out the windshield, and he breaks out of his trance, slightly swerving the car when he regains focus again. “Are you trying to kill us?!”

“Sorry.” He mumbles.

“There’s no sorries when I’m dead.” You pout, crossing your arms. “Thanks so much boyfriend.”

He laughs, genuinely this time and a bit obnoxiously too, ringing in your ears. It’s different from his polite one. You like it better. A lot better.

“So what do you want to watch?” You ask him as the both of you stare at the screen flashing movie titles.

He glances at you. “You can pick.”

“It really doesn’t matter to me.” You huff out. “Hurry up and pick one.”

He hums for a really long moment. “Marley and me?”

“Oh...it’s an old film. Guess they’re replaying it?” You turn to him. “Are you sure?”

He frowns. “Why, do you not want to? We can change it if you want! We can watch whatever! Do you want to see something else instead?”

“Calm down.” You put out your hands. “I’m fine with anything.”

“Okay.” He smiles. “I like dogs anyways.”

“Oh...this movie’s going to be so great for you then.” You smirk, already having an idea what was going to happen. You hadn’t ever sat down and watched the film before but you had an idea of how it ended.

Nonetheless, you bought the tickets this time and the both of you sat down smack dab in the middle of the theater.

You thought he was going to pull some greasy moves like throwing an arm over your seat to slowly and smoothly pull you in or hold your hand or at least whisper seductively into your ear but not at all. He’s transfixed the entire time, eyes glued to the screen and hand burying inside the bag of popcorn to stuff his mouth barbarically. He’s transfixed the entire time, like a child incredibly invested in the movie. It’s like he forgot you were even there.

Not that you particularly mind, if anything you liked it better that way. He wasn’t trying to act as your perfect boyfriend but instead, genuinely enjoying himself.

You find yourself glancing over and smiling several times.

//

“What...the hell was that?” Taehyung chokes out, still sobbing. His eyes are completely swollen red, saliva escaping his mouth and snot dripping down from his nose. You can’t help but laugh a bit, only quickly covering it up as a cough when he shoots you a glare.

As you exit the theater, people are shooting you odd looks. “Taehyung….people are going to think that I bullied you.” You lean over to him, whispering as he’s choking back his wails, still weeping.

“Is that all you care about?” He croaks out at you.

You smile widely at him, taking his arm. “I’m just saying that you should calm down. Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.” He answers honestly, sniffling back.

“Will you be okay?”

“Maybe….probably.”

The both of you decide to take a walk at the small park from across the street since the night weather was rather nice and Taehyung was in no condition to drive.

You both walk for a bit before settling down on a bench together. He’s no longer crying, only cheeks and the tip of his nose tinted rouge, largely from the cool air. He glances at you once he notices you're staring and his eyes almost immediately light up.

“Oh!” Taehyung begins peeling off his jacket. “You must be cold.”

You laugh, stopping his hands. “Calm down kid. I’m not cold. I have a thicker jacket than you do.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

He smiles sheepishly, shrugging his jacket back on and zipping it all the way up. The both of you bask in the silence, cars zooming past, trees rustling and the distant music of the movie theater seeping into the air. Taehyung’s presence seems to comfort you and that only puts you more on edge, alarming you even further.

“So…..how many clients do you have?”

He turns to you, looking taken back. “Clients?”

“Girlfriends.” You add. “People like me.”

“Uhhhhhhh……………………” He frowns in disbelief, almost as if you had uttered it in parseltongue.

You smile, tilting your head. “I’m just curious that’s all. You don’t have to look so afraid. If it’s too personal, you don’t need to answer.”

“No.” He shakes his head. “It’s just that...no one’s ever asked.” No one, especially the clients themselves, want to know how many people he’s seeing aside from them. If anything, they’ve all avoided the topic like the black plague. He shifts, inhaling a breath. “Probably thirty clients?”

“Thirty? Wow.” You jut out your bottom lip in thought, nodding.

“Thirty to forty. Some of them are only a one time thing like to a wedding.” He glances at you to catch any signs of jealousy but you’re a brick wall, showing no emotion but amusement. “I’ve been working there for about a year so it’s an average amount.”

There’s a thought that churns inside your head, making you feel turmoil and unease. You know you shouldn’t ask, that you really don’t want to know but you can’t shake off the question. It lingers and attaches to you. Just ask! Just ask him! Ask him and you’ll know!

“Other than me, are you working for any clients right now?” You stare deep into his eyes, trying to sound light.

There was no reason for you to feel jealous. It was illogical. This was his job after all, he was a boyfriend to countless girls before and you were just one of many. But the past never mattered, you wanted to know right now. While he went on dates with you, did he call someone else afterwards? Did he hold hands with another girl after texting and calling you? You wanted to know if you were the only one. Right. Now.

Taehyung smiles, lifting his hand to show his fingers. “Two.” Is all he says. “Two other clients and you.”

“Ah. I see.”

You can’t answer much, instead ripping your gaze off of him to stare at the lightpost.

You don’t have a reason to be jealous.

So what?

You’ve been on only two dates after all.

He wasn’t really your boyfriend.

Two other girls?

Why doesn’t it even matter?

Somehow you can’t help but feel nauseated. Taehyung is too close for comfort and it feels like he’s suffocating you, smothering you. You suddenly feel disgusted with him, with yourself; anxiety and insecurities swirling in the pits of your stomach. You aren’t good enough for someone like him, for anyone for that matter; you couldn't even get yourself a real boyfriend. And at that same time, you can’t help but feel lied to. All the affections and one liners Taehyung ever spared was because it was his job, not because he genuinely meant it.

You’re on the verge of tears, wanting to burst like a pressurized capsule. You want to demand answers to why you aren’t good enough to slapping him - one or the other, maybe both for good measure.

“Are you okay?” He asks after five minutes of silence.

You bolt your head to him, about to open your mouth to call it off completely but then suddenly his eyes shoot past you, widening in horror. “We need to leave.” He tugs on your arm, making you stand next to him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Taehyung answers quickly, pulling you along and almost jogging. “We just need to leave. Now.”

You glance behind yourself to see what’s wrong and you catch a woman, jogging behind you two. “Taehyung! Taehyung!” She shouts tiredly, looking haggard and desperate.

“I think she’s calling for you?” You huff out. “Who is she?”

“Taehyung! Tae..hyung..” The strange lady falters, falling to the ground in a sob.

You turn around once more, stopping in your tracks. “Wait. Wait!”

But he’s relentless and after one second, sparing a glance filled with pity, he continues pulling you along. The both of you trudge down the street all the way to his car. “Wait Taehyung! Who was that?”

“She’s an old client.” He huffs out. “I have a restraining order on her.”

“Wait what? An old client? A restraining order?” Your voice moves up several pitches, eyes almost bulging out.

He ruffles his hair tiredly. “We only went out on four dates and that was it, but then she kept on following me around once the contract had expired.” He manages a smile. “Sorry. I hope that it didn’t ruin our date.”

“No...no..” You shift your hand away from his.

You can’t help but feel sorry for the girl. She was in a rugged mess, crying and chasing after him, only to collapse on the ground. All he did was shoot her a pitiful look and then leave. You can’t help but think - what if that was you? What if it will be you?

After everything, will he just look at you in disdain? Will he act like you’re strangers, that the time you spent together was nothing when it meant so much to you?

“What’s wrong?” He asks with a frown at your prolonged silence.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

“What?”

“I’m just going to go home….don’t call me again.” You turn to leave but he grabs your arm.

“Y/N. You’re not making any sense. I thought we went over this.” He pleads, half frustrated and the other half just desperate.

You turn to him, burrowing eyes deep into his skin. “I don’t care about the deposit okay?! I don’t care about the one month!”

“Why are you acting like this?!” He asks, matching your loud tone. “I thought we were having a good time! Was it because of that old client? I already apologized for that Y/N!”

“No, that’s not it!”

“What is it then?” He sighs out frustratedly but then quickly covers it with a strained smile, voice lowering to a normal pitch again. “Our first argument isn’t scheduled for two more weeks Y/N. Don’t be like this. I’m sorry, okay?”

“No! No! This is the exact reason why I can’t do this anymore!” You shove his hand off. “I don’t want some fake ass boyfriend or fake ass cheesy lines! I don’t want a whirlwind romance or to be showered in gifts or compliments! I don’t want to go on perfect dates! I don’t want someone who treats me perfectly or someone who is perfect! I want something real!” You’re rambling, face rising with red and your lips tumble before you can process remotely anything that you’re saying.

“I want the real you! I want you Taehyung!”

He’s absolutely stunned, flabbergasted. His hand drops to his side.

You’re huffing breaths, chest heaving as you gasp for air after your angry tangent. “Y/N..”

“Nope.” You turn on your heel, stomping away. “Bye Taehyung.”

“Wait!” He calls after you. “How are you getting home?”

“Taxi! Bus! I don’t care. You shouldn’t either!” You shout back.

He watches as you tread away, people shooting you odd looks, and he can’t help but grin. He’s never been screamed at by one of his clients. He’s never been told to stop being the perfect boyfriend when it was his job to be. You’re definitely one in a million.

He can’t help but love it.

//

Three days pass without a word from Taehyung and life returns to normal, to you on the couch with netflix and wine, a shirt that reads ‘who needs men anyways’.

The flowers he got you have longed been trashed and thrown into the dumpster. You’re tempted to delete his contact but you keep it anyways, for reasons that you just can’t bring yourself to delete him completely. In those nights where you can’t sleep, you find yourself going to the messages, only to see that he hasn’t texted or said anything at all.

It’s not that you’re disappointed or anything. You are the one who told him to screw off and never call again. You can’t even blame him.

You’re probably as crazy as that other lady who chased him down the street.

Three days pass and on the fourth day, there’s a knock at your door.

You grunt out tiredly, wondering if it was the pizza guy but you can’t even recall if you even ordered pizza. The wine is really making you tipsy.

Setting down the glass, you pause your episode and tread to the door as the bell rings a second time. “I’m coming! Jeez.”

And when you open it, you’re met with a tall blonde boy, smiling and leaning against the doorframe. This time he’s not wearing a suit but just a hoodie with some light stains and black sweatpants. You’ll admit he looks good. He could probably be a homeless bum and still look good.

“What do you want Taehyung?” You scowl at him.

He crosses his arms with still a smug smile on his lips. “Don’t worry, I’m not here to apologize or to give you flowers.”

“Damn straight.”

“It’s just that…” I really couldn’t stop thinking about you, that’s what. But he’ll never say it out loud, afraid you’ll slam the door in his face from the cheesy line that’s all too genuine this time around. “I enjoyed myself particularly.”

You lift an eyebrow. “I’m serious!” He retorts with some rambunctious laughter. “And I thought you were having a good time too. I wanted to ask if you wanted to give it one more shot.”

“No thanks.” You swing the door closed but he catches it.

“I won’t be fake this time. I swear on my parent’s grave...they’re not even dead yet, I would get killed if they heard what I was saying right now.” He smiles.

“Why should I?”

“Because you want to get to know the real me right? You don’t want a fake perfect boyfriend, so I’ll give you just that.” He slyly adds, moving his brows up and down. “You’ll get to know the genuine Kim Taehyung.” He pounds his chest with his fist and you can’t help but roll your eyes with a small smile.

Since when were you so weak to him? You can’t even put up a fight if you wanted to.

“Please Y/N.” He juts out his bottom lip, widening his eyes cutely.

“You better make this damn worth my time Kim.” You flash him a dirty look, and he bursts out into a huge, wide grin. It’s infectious and within a few seconds, you’re smiling too despite wanting to keep a front.

//

“Where…” You peer out the window. “...the hell are we going Taehyung?”

It’s pitch black outside apart from the headlights of the car. The road is bumpy and uneven, making the car jump slightly. You pass trees and trees, heading to some desolate area at the outskirts of the city. For a moment, you wonder if he’s going to kill you.

You glance at him. His profile is soft with a gentle smile, hints of mischief lingering in the way he tries to repress it. “Oh~” You nod your head, making a sound of recognition as the puzzle pieces fall into place. “So this is the real you, huh? Your real intentions?”

He frowns. “What?”

“Me. You. Alone. You won’t tell me where you’re going, and we’re driving to some desolate dark area, huh?” You sigh out disappointedly. “The car’s not really ideal for getting down and dirty…..but at least I’m glad you’re being honest with your intentions now.”

“No! No!” His cheeks burn, and he glances at you once more before focusing back on the road. “God no! We’re not doing that kind of thing! Who do you think I am?!”

You laugh. “Then where are we going?”

“Farmer’s market.”

Sure enough, it’s not a lie when you see lights in the distance. There are several white canopy tents in a large cluster. Music plays, bass shaking the grassy field that it’s on. Strings of fairy lights hang between the walkways and around the poles.

“Have you ever been here?” He asks, watching your amazed reaction with a swell of pride.

You shake your head. “Why is it so far out?”

He shrugs. “Closer to the farms I guess.” The both of you walk out of the parking lot towards the mini festival, the scent of churros and sweet treats already marking the air. “Actually they have it in the morning too but I never go.”

You stare at him. “I’m not a morning person.” He adds with playfulness.

“Then why did you send me all those ‘good morning’ texts so early?”

“I had to set an alarm for that.” He rolls his eyes exaggeratedly. “Do you know how exhausted I was? I couldn’t even see the bright screen and I had to read it over four times to make sure there weren’t any spelling mistakes.”

“Oh~” You coo at him with pouted lips. “Our Taehyungie suffers so much. Having to send good morning texts when he’s sleepy.”

He laughs with you, reaching up to squeeze your nose before he throws an arm around your shoulder. You flash him a dirty look at the close contact, but he smiles and you turn away, letting him have his way this time.

Despite being far away, the market is bustling with a good crowd of people. The live music thumps loudly, ground shaking when you get closer to the stage but you and Taehyung don’t watch for long. Instead, you weave between the tents, looking at all the produce and goods.

“You know...” Taehyung speaks up as the both of you are looking at the stands of fruit. “My grandmother’s best friend owns a strawberry farm. Some summers I used to work there and wow...it is actually so much work. Do you know how hard it is to crouch down and pick each strawberry one by one? My back was aching when I came home and I made my siblings massage my back.”

“It was hard work but then I got to eat free strawberries, and we made lots of jam. I ate jam for the rest of the year in my sandwiches.” He laughs, reminiscent in thought but after a second, he looks at you. You’re staring at him inquisitively and quietly with a small smile.

“Sorry...am I talking too much?”

“No.” You shake your head. “I like it. I like when you talk about yourself and your family.”

He can’t help but grin at that and when the both of you turn to keep walking, he grabs your hand. You immediately look down at the way he intertwines his fingers into yours. “Taehyung. What did I say about forced affection? I don’t need things like that.” You frown, stopping and he swallows hard.

“It’s genuine though...I really do want to hold your hand…” His voice trails off softer and softer, embarrassed, and he looks down to the ground. “Why? Does it seem forced?”

“I just wanted to hold your hand………”

You immediately feel a wave of guilt but you’re just on edge more than usual, trying to protect yourself. You’re afraid that he’s going to get too close and hurt you without having an inch of remorse. It’s his job. But you wonder if he even realizes what he does to you.

Taehyung lets go of your hand, mumbling an apology and walking ahead. But before he gets too far, you run up to him and catch his hand within yours. He immediately shoots his head up, trying to meet your eyes but you’re staring at something ahead, avoiding his impenetrable gaze. “You don’t need to apologize. I’m just a bit tense but….Iwanttoholdyourhandtoo.” You cough out the last part, a bit too embarrassed as your cheeks heat up like lava pools flush under your skin.

Taehyung grins, tightening his grip on yours and swinging your arm back and forth.

“Do you want some?” You point with your free hand to a booth, selling beer from a keg. “Oh wait. You can’t. You have to drive us back.” You grimace.

“Don’t worry. I can’t drink beer anyways.”

“Can’t?”

“Or coffee. It’s too bitter.” He sticks out his tongue in disgust. “I like sweet things.” He leans on you, shifting his weight. “Sweet things like you.”

You scoff, pushing him off. “I hate cheesy lines.”

“But that’s just part of who I am. Actually!” He defends himself, his bottom lip jutting out and you can’t help but laugh, rolling your eyes in the process.

“Then what do you like? Aside from sweet things.”

He hums, contemplating deeply. “I like meat.” His eyes twinkle brightly.

Following his words, the both of you order hot dogs on sticks, dipped in a honey mustard. It’s delicious and you two are fixed to the side of the stand, ordering more and more as you finish each skewer. The old lady is ecstatic with bursting cheeks as she compliments your eating skills and hands you more.

Taehyung giggles in the middle of a mouthful as he watches you hold nine empty sticks in your hand. You swat your other hand at him and when you become too full, he keeps going.

“You two are making me nauseous.” The old lady quips slyly with a snicker. “How long have you been dating this lovely girl, young man? Thinking about dropping the big question anytime soon? By the looks of it, you two are perfect for each other.”

You almost choke. “Oh. We’re no-”

Taehyung’s boisterous laughter interrupts you. “Thank you, I’d like to think so myself.” He winks at you. “Don’t give her any hints though! I want to keep her on her toes.”

The old lady falls into a fit of laughter, cheeks red, and she covers her mouth with her hand. “Don’t let her get away.”

“I wouldn’t for the life of me.”

The old lady laughs again and then turns back to her grill when someone approaches to order. You shoot Taehyung a dirty look but he grins. “What? Am I wrong? I am your boyfriend.”

You scoff, not allowing the smile to show when it creeps up your face.

By the time you come back from the washroom, he’s standing in front of the stage playing music, watching intently with tight lips in a straight line. “What’s wrong?”

“Oh.” He snaps out of his daze, looking at you with a smile. “I was just listening.”

“That seriously?”

His smile widens. “I used to play saxophone when I was still in school.” You tilt your head in interest. “I was just thinking that they were pretty good.”

“Were you any good?”

“I was the best in class!” He puffs out his chest and you roll your eyes. “I’m being serious! I was the best!”

It feels like you’ve reached a milestone, a turning point. It’s as if you’ve broken a barrier or toppled a brick wall with your bare hands. The bubble of fake facade and perfection bursted in front of your eyes to show someone more or less human like you but even more beautiful with the flaws. You’ve learnt he eats a ton, he loves music, he loves family, and he has a soft spot for all animals. Yet, he is also quite childish and enthusiastic, liking pranks and making mischief.

There’s not a lot that you don’t know about him and not quite enough to say anything at all but at the same time, a feeling swells inside your rib cage, even as you watch him stare at stuffed animals blankly with snot almost dripping from his nose.

You know you want to know more.

“Why are you staring?” He asks you and you finally snap out of it.

“Oh. What? Sorry. What were you saying?” You blink.

He leans in, close; so close that your foreheads are almost touching and you can feel his breath on your lips. “Am I that handsome?”

You scoff, pushing him away and he laughs. “You’re cute.” You tease sarcastically.

“I’ll take that!” He quips with a grin and you roll your eyes.

You turn your head to the stand of plush animals, all lined up next to each other. You catch a bear sitting at the center, the same shade as Taehyung’s soft, yellow hair with a huge smile and round eyes, big and cute. “Hey doesn’t this look like you?” You hold it up for him to see but as he lays eyes on it, he frowns.

“No.” He points to a large, ferocious lion hanging off the canopy. “That looks more like me.” Then he redirects his finger to a huge rhinoceros. “Or that.”

“But this is so cute.” You shake the bear in your hand that’s small enough to sit on your palm.

“If this is a ploy for me to get it for you then I’m not doing it.” He purses his lips. “I spent all my money already.”

You scoff, setting it down. “Fine.”

“This looks like you.” He holds up a similar bear in size.

“But it’s frowning!” You whine out to him in disbelief.

He laughs. “No. It only looks like it’s frowning. Anyways, it reminds me of you.”

The bear’s lips are made in an inverse v, holding a broken heart that covers its body, reading ‘I hate love’.

“You. are. cruel.” You huff out, walking away from him.

“It’s a joke!” He calls after you in the middle of a fit of laughter.

//

Taehyung drives you back home and you tell him that you’ll think about the date and if they’ll be another one or not, much to his dismay. But with your slipping smile and a fleeting goodbye, he already has an idea of what you’ll say. And he isn’t wrong as he watches you enter your building and a few minutes later, his phone lights up with a text.

My Y/N: You did decently today.

My Y/N: I’ll allow a next time.

Taehyung can only grin widely and especially doesn’t tell you how he drives back to the market, running to the stand before it closes; purchasing the two bears that look like you and him.  

He places on his desk at home, staring and marveling at it as the both sit side by side.

//

The next date is a picnic one, courtesy of your choosing and the both of you gobble sandwiches and hot dogs while taking turns telling stories. He reminisces about his best friend Jimin and how the two got in loads of trouble together back during the school days; that he was a pushover until he started working out at the gym with Jungkook and now the two threaten to beat Taehyung up all the time. He talks about almost getting arrested for lighting a trash can on fire during college because of a dare but with a few simple apologies and his charm, they let him go with a warning. That’s when he realized he had a pretty good way with words.

You talk about your family, about Hoseok and how he was engaged to your best friend and for the longest time, they hated each other and you had to stand in the middle of it all. Then they suddenly developed crushes and you had to walk back and forth, like a peasant matchmaker; helping them out without revealing the other’s intention since you weren’t one to break promises and didn’t want to be held accountable for any mistakes.

The picnic ends when there’s a storm swirling in the sky and the both of you gather your things and duck out to a convenience store, drenched and laughing.

The next few times, you’re too lazy to go out so you invite him over and the both of you begin a new tv show. Unexpectedly, it is gripping. It’s suspenseful and half the times, you’re on the edge of your seat in jitters. You both scream together, laugh at the screen or shout curses simultaneously.

There are quick breaks in between episodes where Taehyung runs to the bathroom to relieve himself and you take out your wine, usually saved for your own down times but for one reason or another, you don’t mind sharing with him.

The both of you binge episode after episode until it’s midnight and you’ve both dozed off on the couch. “Fuck. What time is it?” You finally peel your eyes open.

“Taehyung. Taehyung.” You shake him with half open eyes and a rough voice.

“Wha-” He jolts, suddenly awake too.

“It’s one in the morning. Don’t you have to leave?” You ask him, reaching over to shut off the tv.

“I’ll just stay here.” He mumbles.

“What?” You frown, turning back to him, but he’s already passed out on the couch.

The first night Taehyung ever stays over, the both of you are drunk on wine and passed on the couch, heads on different ends and legs tangled together.

“How was your day today?” He mumbles out tiredly one night.

You’re sitting in between his legs, how you got there - you don’t even know. You don’t even question anymore how close he’s gotten or how close you’ve gotten to him. It’s as if all the warning signs and stop signs have fallen every inch he gets closer until the sirens of danger have become muted under his laughter you’ve grown to cherish so much.

“It was fine.” You yawn. “You seem pretty tired though.”

“Not as tired as you.” He smiles.

The both of you continue to watch, it’s become your show with him now. When a new episode’s released and you’re just dying to watch it, you hold back until he comes over. Or sometimes you text him that you’re going to start - only for him to call immediately and tell you that it was not okay and that you needed to wait for him.

But the day was long and so was his. Soon after, you’re dozing off on his chest which snaps him out of his own lull for a moment, and he smiles sheepishly. He lays you down beside him on the couch and pulls you closer so you won’t fall off. Unconsciously, you snuggle into him, and he nuzzles you, falling into his own sleep.

//

You’re defeated.

How is it possible that he’s instantly cuter than you without even trying or batting a single eyelash?

Taehyung is dressed in blue shorts and a simple white sweater, completely blending in with the kindergarten class that’s also peering out the fence. “Taehyung. Don’t climb it.” You scold, and he immediately darts his head around, pouting like you just destroyed his dreams.

You wonder if he’s really a six-year old or not.

You had put in extra effort in today’s date, for no important reasons really….but you were dressed in one of your summer floral dresses with knee-high leggings and you wondered with the way you were both dressed, so youthfully, if strangers thought you were still high school students.

Taehyung walks back to where you’re standing, grinning once more at the kids as they hop away with their teachers. He redirects his gaze onto you but fixes it on your lips. Time draws out and you frown. “Is there something on my mouth?” You raise your hand, but he quickly catches it before you can ruin what he’s so fixated on.

“No.” He quips with a huge smile. “It’s pretty, that’s all.”

“Oh.”

“Did you wear lipstick?” He leans in close with a shit eating grin and you push him away but his feet are rooted solid to the ground. He doesn’t even flinch.

You roll your eyes. “No I didn’t.”

It’s a lie. You did.

You step back and he steps forward. “It looks like you did though…” He hums out. “Did you want to look pretty for me?”

“You’re so full of yourself, aren’t you?”

“I’m the one who should be angry.” He says in a matter-of-fact tone, narrowing his eyes into you. “Do you know how much I want to kiss you right now?”

Your heart feels like it’s leaped up to your throat and you’re stunned, eyes growing wide. Your mouth fills with cotton and you can’t speak, cheeks staining the same shade as the flamingo’s feathers. “But that would be against the rules.” He grimaces with a sigh, admiring your flushed appearance instead.

“S-shut up.” You force your lips into a frown when the smile creeps up.

You won’t fall prey to his stupid one liners.

“What are they doing?” A little boy, up to your knee in height asks and points to you two. He holds a girl’s hand, the both of them wearing the same blue and white outfits. The both of them stare at you curiously with rosy cheeks and big eyes.

“Mae! Jeha! Let’s go!” A taller woman leading a bunch of kids calls, and they take off running.

You huff out, finally gaining composure again after being freed from Taehyung’s unwavering gaze. “C’mon let’s go.” You grab his hand, intertwining your fingers with his and dragging him away.

Today’s date was Taehyung’s idea when you both sat empty in your apartment, waiting for the next episode of your show. There was nothing to do, nothing you wanted to do since you were so emotionally damaged. But he finally managed to convince himself and drag you off from the couch to have a proper date and do something outside for once.

His idea was the zoo.

Twice in a day, you wonder if he really is a six-year-old.

It’s not like the zoo was a bad idea but it’s not much of a date when he keeps letting go of your hand to run to the enclosure and mimic whatever noises the animal he’s staring at makes. He growls at the lions, wails at the elephants, chirps to the birds and screams at the mandrill monkeys.

The train of children that you pass by again giggles.

The zookeeper politely asks him to keep it down.

You facepalm.

“What the hell is that?” You harshly whisper out when Taehyung pulls out a baggie of sliced bread.

He grins mischievously and the grizzly bear in interest or perhaps with a whiff of the snack begins trudging over. “It’s okay. I googled this before I came here.”

“You’re going to get us kicked out!” You chide, getting closer to him to hide the ziplock when some people walk past.

“I’m not going to actually feed him.” He gives you a look. “I just want to lure him to our side.”

“So he can kill us for the food?!”

“He’s not going to kill us.” Taehyung smiles in an attempt to be reassuring. “There’s like two layers of fencing.”

Your jaw drops completely. You deadpan. “Why are you like this?”

“Oh! He’s here!” Taehyung points to the bear that’s right next to you, only a few meters away and you immediately take a step back, only for him to grab your arm. “It’s okay.”

“No Taehyung it is not fucking okay. We’re going to die or get kicked out and I don-”

You don’t get to finish when he suddenly turns around, and he pulls out his phone, quickly snapping a photo of you two with the bear in the background. He taps a hundred times and falling prey to his will, you turn and smile at the last photo he snaps. The bear after a moment walks away and you’re scowling at Taehyung. “What the hell?”

“I realized that we never got to take a photo together before.” He hums out, scrolling through. “I’m going to make one of them my wallpaper.” You scoff but you can’t help leaning over to look too.

“Hey...that’s a pretty good one.” You point to the one where the both of you are smiling.

“Nah.” He scrolls to the top and finds the one where your mouth is wide open, yelling at him with a huge knot between your brows. “I like this one.”

“You’re the only one that looks good!!” You complain, smacking his arm.

“Hey.” He sets it as his lockscreen. “The bear looks good too.”

“I hate you.” You stick out your tongue, stomping away.

“Y/N! I’m just joking! You look average!”

“Shut up Taehyung!”

//

You can feel your entire body shaking from the blaring music, your ear drums threatening to burst with every dropped beat. The place is dark, only lit by the blue hued back lights of the bar, the neon signs lining the wall and the multi colored strobe lights, flashing down at the dance floor. It reeks of sweat and alcohol from the crowded tangled bodies, intoxicated and grinding down on each other without a second look.

It’s not your favourite place in the world, to say the least.

The last time you’ve ever been to a place like this was when your friends dragged you out back in your (not so) wild college days. You remember Hoseok drawing a crowd’s attention with his dancing and your other friends taking enough shots to pass out onto the floor in their own puke.

But when Taehyung begged you and whined to go, wanting to show off what he called his ‘killer dance moves’, you gave in.

You’ll admit...he’s good.

Well...most of the time.

Though his movements were smooth, and he flowed to the rhythm with ease, flashing you seductive eyes in the meanwhile, he also spun around dramatically. He whipped his arms around, hollering and you broke out into a hysterical laughter, which only urged him further. It definitely drove all the girls who had their eyes on him away, almost tripping on their heels as they ran in the opposite direction.

Taehyung spun you around and the both of you moved from the waltz to the tango.

It was the most time you’ve ever had fun in a club. Ever.

After what seemed to be like two hours, the both of you ordered some drinks while taking a break and it only took two glasses for him to begin getting oddly jittery.

He didn’t want to leave you alone, especially not in a place like this where drunk creeps ran rampant but after you saw his legs shaking and asked him what was wrong, he couldn’t deny what his body needed. He sprinted off to the bathroom as fast as he could to take a much-needed leak.

“Fancy drink you got there.” A heavy voice suddenly chimes beside you. He’s a bigger man, lifting an eyebrow at your wine glass.

You weren’t a big fan of any other drinks aside from wine. Unfortunately for you, the bar wasn’t that great with its selection and your drink had a slight bad aftertaste.

“Thanks.” You look away, glancing around for Taehyung.

“Can I buy you a drink?”

“No thanks.”

“Aw c’mon honey, you don’t have to be such a hardass.” He smirks and you send him a sharp glare. “What’s your name?”

“None of your business.”

“Nice to meet you none-of-your-business.” He cocks his head over to his side, scanning you from top to bottom in your black dress. He doesn’t seem to take a hint and it only makes you angrier. “You can call me Bang ‘cause I’d love to bang you tonight.”

You twist your face up in disgust, not even trying to hide how put off you are. “Screw off.”

“Aw...don’t be like that baby.” He steps forward.

You lean into him, boring your eyes straight into his, and he’s taken back. “Get closer to me and I will break your arms, do you hear me? I’ll make sure you’ll get arrested for sexual harassment.”   

The man is baffled, frowning with steam practically coming out from his ears. He clenches his jaw and opens his mouth to go off but then there’s suddenly a hand around your shoulders and a low voice that growls out. “Who the hell are you?”

“Who are you?!” The man screams.

“I’m her boyfriend.” Taehyung declares without his eyes wavering, clenching his teeth and his eyes bulging with anger.

“He’s my boyfriend.” You say in a matter-of-fact tone.

The man glances at you, then back to Taehyung and back to you again. It’s as if the both of you are some scary power couple, either in the mafia or in fury from sexual frustration (none of which are true...maybe only a little of the latter). He doesn’t say anything more and quickly turns, running in the opposite direction, afraid that the both of you will drag him out in the alley to give him a beating of a lifetime.

“Are you okay?” Taehyung grabs your shoulders, turning you to him.

“Yeah..yeah I’m okay.” You nod, heart beating in your stomach. “I had it handled, you know.”

He smiles. “But I am your boyfriend, it’s the least I can do.”

Maybe it’s the alcohol or the sudden tense atmosphere, but you can’t help the words that slip through your lips. “Are you though?” He blinks once, frowning. You sigh, pushing his hands off of you. “Are you really my boyfriend Taehyung?”

“Y/N…”

You sigh, wondering if you should apologize or not. You didn’t mean to say it or see the distressed expression tracing each of his features. But it’s the truth and there’s no point in retracting when the words have been heard. “Don’t say things like that….it makes me…” want you.

You smile, taking his hand and standing. “C’mon, let’s dance.”

//

They say that love and hate have no boundaries, that they’re often blended together, child’s play to step to the other side. Someone you love can quickly become someone you despise with all your heart and vise versa. They are two polar opposites with strong emotions; emotions that drive a person to do things that are not always convenient.  

You don’t know if you love Taehyung or you hate him.

On one hand, you love everything about him. The way he teases you, whines when you’re not close enough and grabs you in a tight hug enough to suffocate you, the way he grins so brightly sometimes when he stares like he’s so proud to have you; how he listened and opened up to you, making you falling deeper and deeper. How only he has that effect, able to glance at you from across the room and send your heart off on a sprint until your breath is drawn from your lips completely.

You love hi-

On the other side, you can’t love him.

He’s not yours and will never be yours. You hate how he has that effect on you. You wonder if he knows, if he’s been playing with you this entire time, altering himself to become your perfect fantasy without you even realizing. You wonder if he knows and the moment the month is up, he’ll leave you in the dust and cut off all contact. Are you just another client? Has everything only been fabricated in your mind? Was it all one-sided?

You hate him because you love him.

“Taehyung…”

“Hmm…?”

The both of you are lying on a blanket, on the cement of your rooftop building. It’s a flat roof that you two snuck up to, to watch the stars that spill over the sky. The longer you stare, the more the darkness uncovers; the more your eyes can see the twinkling lights, delving deeper and deeper. The longer you stare, the more beautiful it becomes.

“How many days are left?”

“What do you mean?”

“The one month. The one month that you’ve been my boyfriend for.”

“Y/N…” He turns to you with a scrunch between his brows.

You turn your head staring back at him. He looks even more beautiful bathing in the moonlight, blonde strands reflecting off the beams and skin smooth along the slope of his nose. Your gaze falls to his lips and when he notices, his falls to yours.

Your heartbeat pounds inside your ears, painfully as it squeezes tight, wrapping around your lungs. “Do you even love me?” You choke out in a whisper.

He looks at you once more, drawing his eyes into your orbs and suddenly you’re too afraid of what he’ll say. You’re too afraid of your broken fantasy and how he’ll step away from you, that you’ll lose everything you’ve created with him.

In an instant, you pull him in for a kiss, silencing his words.

He immediately reciprocates.

He’s leaning up with his elbow, his other hand on the back of your neck, pulling you closer and you’re on your knees, leaning downwards over his body with fistfuls of his shirt.

You don’t know how long the both of you go at it for, mouth on mouth, breathing into the kiss and the both of you each too afraid to pull away. He pulls you closer as his arm loses strength, and he falls back, the both of you still connected as he prompts you to part your lips wider. He wastes no time in exploring, ravishing you with a muffled whimper. He tastes of lemon curd and birthday cake, sweet and a little too overwhelming.

You love him.

You love him so painfully so that in the pull of desperation, with the wave of feelings crashing down on your shoulders, your tears can’t help but trickle out.

You’re the first to pull away, both your lips swollen and your lungs burning for air. He’s gasping and finally sits up, staring at you with a look you don’t understand. You don’t want to understand.

“It’s over.” You manage with a croak. “I kissed you. The contract is over. Don’t contact me again.”

“Wa..it!...Y/N!” He stands up after you but the door is slammed shut and you’re gone.

//

Ten days pass.

After that night and knocking on your door, begging to talk to you, he doesn’t come again. Just like you said, he doesn’t call or text and it’s as if his existence has completely been wiped. It’s as if the memories have completely been pure imagination or a lucid dream. There are only a few traces of him left, physically showing that he was in your life and that you weren’t just going crazy.

You throw the blanket that he used to borrow when he came over into the washer, completely ridding his scent. The second wine glass that you own, bought for him and his lips, is tucked in a box away. The movie tickets that you had kept when you went with him are pressed deep between forgotten books on your shelf.

You don’t have the heart to throw anything away.

Ten days pass and everything reverts to normal, as violently fast as ripping off a bandaid but it stings and it stings; and it stings more because it happened so fast, normal came too quickly.

“Are you okay? You haven’t been returning any of my calls.” Hoseok’s voice encloses marks of concern.

“Sorry.” You mumble.

“Are you still sleeping?” You hum in response. “Isn’t it like noon? Don’t you have work?”

“I took the day off.” Your voice barely manages to croak out.

“What’s wrong Y/N?” When Hoseok doesn’t hear an answer, there’s a long silence. “Was it the rent-a-boyfriend thing? How did it go? Badly?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“If there’s something wrong, you can tell me.”

“I know.”

Just then the doorbell rings and you grumble, wondering if it was the delivery guy here with the pizza you had ordered in bed. You lug yourself upwards, head spinning with the bird nest of your hair but you don’t give a single damn anymore. “I’ll talk to you later okay, Hoseok?”

“Feel better Y/N.”

“See you.” You hang up the phone, throwing it onto the bed before the doorbell rings again. “I’m coming.” You shout with a groggy voice while scratching your itchy head before reaching the door.

The minute you open it, wood swinging on hinges, you’re met with a taller, blonde boy standing in front of you. He’s dressed in a black suit, fitted from top to bottom. He wears a small smile on his lips, eyes softening with tenderness despite the mess you look like. Your heart squeezes again, feeling like it’s rising to your throat and you lose strength to shut the door, wanting to savour the moment. You’re afraid that it’s the last moment.

“What are you doing here Taehyung?” Your voice comes out in a weak whisper.

He holds a bouquet of flowers in his hands, raising it but you can’t take them. “What the hell?”

“I know you don’t like flowers or maybe you do, but they’re genuine this time.” He lowers his hands. After a second, he sighs. “I got fired.”

“What?” You frown.

“I got fired from my job.” He says simply.

“And you came here to tell me that?!” You practically shout at him. “You want me to compensate for you?”

He smiles. “Yes.”

‘What the fuck Taehyung? Go away.” You swing the door shut but he catches it.

“Wait listen!”

“What do you want?!”

“I got fired because I told them I was in love with my client.”

He connects his eyes with yours, lips in a straight line, voice heavy with sincerity. He swallows hard, lips turning into a soft smile as he steps forward into your home. “I got fired because I told them that I wanted to have you as a real girlfriend. I got fired because I told them I kissed you. I told them I didn’t want to be anyone else’s boyfriend.”

“I told them, I think I’ve found the person I want to marry.”

“And you want me to compensate?” You murmur out, looking up at him while your heart leaps inside your rib cage, pattering like raindrops when they fall from the heavens and onto the Earth’s ground.

He grins, lips drawing up in a box. “I want you to compensate.”

“Please Y/N, will you do me the honours of-”

“Wait.” You put your hands out before he wraps his arms around you. “Are you proposing to me?”

“No!” His mouth drops. “If I was proposing to you, do you really think I’d do it in the middle of your apartment?!”

“I’m not complaining or anything but you just went off on wanting to marry me and then you-”

“I want you to be my girlfriend. I want to date you.” He wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you close. “And we’ll see how it goes before I marry you.” He quips but you still swat a hand to his arm. “I still have to meet your parents, and we have to talk about how many kids we want because I know I want like five of them and if you aren’t down then-”

You pull him in for a kiss, silencing him, and he grins against your lips. “I better not have to rent you again.” You mumble.

“I’m not for rent anymore.” He kisses you again and again. “I’m yours.”

[ithinkitsdanny]

29 MARCH 2020

COVID THOUGHTS

Who would have thought we would live in such interesting times? Every day goes by, and what was strange yesterday seems like normal today. Remember when the worst threat to our sanity was the thought of Sarah Palin as our Vice President? 

I never once thought that I would live in days that would line the pages of future textbooks (or whatever it is we’ll be using to teach history to students in the future). I grew up in a boring suburb of tuCsoN, aRIzONa, and part of me thought that I would never leave that place, and nothing would happen, and that was life. But that was not the case. Things are always happening, and things just seem to keep getting stranger in certain ways. 

Most people my age remember waking up one day and getting ready for school, or maybe you were at school, and seeing on the news that two towers in New York had fallen over. We watched as our country decided to invade a country most of us didn’t know existed (don’t judge, I was only in second grade, and the only other places I knew about were from watching the 2000 Sydney olympics with my family the summer before). We watched as our president and congress decided it was necessary for us to invade another country that many of us knew nothing about. We saw friends go off to fight, and sometimes just die in the desert, for something that made very little sense to us. 

Michael Jackson died one day. A man accused of molesting children. Yet people mourned his loss. 

One day, in high school, my friends and I were planning to go to the mall and just hangout in the air conditioning, like high school and middle school kids. But on the radios, the TVs, the cell phones, came news that a young man, living only ten minutes from my house and pictured right next to my oldest brother in his yearbook, had shot up a grocery store where a local beloved congresswoman was holding a rally. Six people were killed. A federal judge died that day, Gabby Giffords, our representative, was shot, and a six year old girl was killed. They held the funeral at the church my mom would drag us to every Sunday. But nothing changed. People kept their guns and decided they were more important than the lives of the children and neighbors around them. To make things worse, a radical christian group, one that is still active today and that just recently visited Maui, came to protest the little girl’s funeral and even claimed that their god wanted her dead. 

Nothing changed. Hate speech is protected by the first amendment and people will die for it, and people will let a thousand children’s lives perish before anyone can “take our guns.”

There was some hope though. Our president was black. His middle name was even Hussein. There were people in office fighting for LGBTQIA+ rights and leaders states were slowly legalizing weed and gay marriage. We had a hispanic WOMAN put in the supreme court. There were plans to fight climate change (though they were weak). But there were still shootings popping up around the country and kids in the middle east were still being bombed daily. We’re still there, still bombing too. But for eight year, there was progress, and a lot of it. 

Then 2015 came. Who the fuck did we piss off upstairs to give us 2015? A reality TV show host started his presidential bid by calling mexican immigrants criminals, thugs, and rapists. And for the first time in my life I realized that I wasn’t white (my mom is white, my dad mexican heritage from Sonora and Northern New Mexico). I remember talking to my dad, and he even said to me that in his fifty-five years of life that he never had once thought that his last name or the color of his skin could have an effect on the way people saw him. People supported this man. 

I can understand why though, and it is totally ignorant for liberals or other left-leaning people like myself to not look into what made this orange man so popular. He was different. Democrats failed to improve the lives of working class peoples. Identity politics were taking the place of actual progress and stances, and Hillary was a person with a very scary past.

Trump won, and all the sudden Nazis were, like, back. People openly identifying as Neo-Nazis and white supremecists were all the sudden marching in the streets. A person was killed because a neo-nazi thought it would be okay to hit a protester with her car. But these people are protected by the first amendment and hate-speech is not a crime (though murdering someone with your car most definitely is in fact a crime). Counter protesters were out in the streets being harrassed, and some people were, like, totally fine with this guy being in office. 

Basically, a lot of weird shit has happened. To recap anything I missed:

     - Black kids are being shot by cops and the cops are getting off free sometimes even when there is video evidence that show their wrongdoing 

     -Republicans stole a supreme court judge from Barrack Obama, and then appointed a known rapist to the highest court in the country, and paid no attention to what this might mean for their daughters, sisters, and mothers

     -There was a financial collapse (how did I forget to mention this?) and people were forced out onto the streets while houses sat empty

     -England left the European Union

     -Somehow, people living on Native American reservations still don’t have electricity and most of us are just fine with that

     -Refugee children are being held in cages in America and sleeping on floors

     -And uhh, coral reefs are dying off, plastic is killing animals in our oceans, and human-made climate change is real. 

I am not saying this is anyone’s fault. Everyone is to blame for issues taking place. People my age buy cheap clothing from sweatshops and then throw it away a month after having it. I know tons of people that are my generation that do not recycle anything, and plenty that won’t even take the five minutes necessary to register to vote. My vehicle only gets 17 miles a gallon and I eat SO MUCH FOOD THAT IS SO BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT. So, we all suck in a way. 

But here we are now, in the year 2020, a number that sounds made up. It feels like the times we are in are totally made up. We are not allowed out of our houses. There is a deadly virus that is spreading across the world, and people are literally dying all over. At least twenty people I know are on unemployment at the moment, the gyms are closed, and it doesn’t seem likely that I will see my students again this year. 

But people seem united in a way. People are calling each other. Cousins are setting up Zoom meetings with family members from all over the world so that we can see each other. Aunties are sewing face masks for hospital workers to use. Restaurants are giving free food to laid-off service industry employees. People are singing to one another from their balconies. Waters around busy port cities are clean enough for animals to return. Air over China has cleared up. Cities and towns are doing whatever they can to keep small businesses afloat in these hard times. Co-workers are calling each other to check in. And for the first time in my life, it actually feels like people really love each other. This virus, though it sucks, has made our world look the closest it has ever looked to an actual real live Coca-cola commercial (you know the ones on TV where all the people are singing and dancing and holding hands just because someone popped open a can of diabetic sugar water). The world is paused.

.

.

.

In a way, it feels nice. 

.

.

.

This situation sucks, but we are doing what we need to do: we are S L O W I N G D O W N. I am bored in my home, and I am sure most of us are, but I don’t know if I have ever seen people so united. I don’t know if I ever will again see this.

But for this moment in time which none of us will forget, we are showing each other the our best sides. We are showing what it means to really be human. 

We will get through this. This will make us all stronger. You will not give up on me. I will not give up on you. We will not give up. 

We are together. 

Thank you for reading and I hope you take some time to call your family members, your friends, your coworkers, and you neighbors today. 

Danny

Also, abolish ICE and eat the rich. 

[thedesperatehousehusband]

It’s the Super Bowel. Or Bowl....

It’s finally time for that most American of events. The Super Bowl. Pitting the Kansas City Chiefs against the San Francisco 49ers. I don’t really care who wins but Kansas City hasn’t played in a Super Bowl in 50 years so I’m rooting for them even though that Jimmy Garapolo is very, very, very attractive while Patrick Mahomes doesn’t do much for me.

Let’s talk pre-show. Yolanda Adams was lovely during America the Beautiful. Demi Lovato sang the shit out of the national anthem. She’s a talent and I like that she is very open and vulnerable about her issues and problems.

Shifting to commericals…..

·       Secret – Let’s Fight Inequality. It’s strong. It works. I dig it.

·       McDonald’s – All the favorite orders of celebs was great. Because who doesn’t love McDonald’s? If you don’t love McDonald’s, the commies win.

·       NFL 100 – I don’t know if this was a spot or if this was a pre-game video but whatever it was it was amazing. 100% loved it. That kid who ran onto the field was the HAPPIEST kid in the W-O-R-L-D!

·       Fast & Furious 9 – Who gives a fuck?

·       Quibi – What is Quibi? That spot was heinous. What a fucking waste of money.

·       Tide – The stains can wait. I don’t love it but I am appreciative of the pull through from P&G. It seems to be their Super Bowl thing. They’ve just focused on this idea that the stain can wait the whole game. I love Charlie Day and Emily Hampshire from Schitt’s Creek is a hoot but do people know who they are? I mean run of the mill Americans watching the Super Bowl. It feels a little niche with the casting.

·       Wal-Mart Pickup – I hate to say it because Wal-Mart is the devil but that was a good spot.

·       Black Widow – I’m into it plus it features Florence Pugh and after Little Women I am in love with her.

·       Rocket Mortgage – Clever, clever, clever. I like the Jason Momoa gag and closing with Lisa Bonet was an additional level of meta clever. Maybe too meta?

·       Porsche – Terrible.

·       Snickers – This is my favorite spot so far. Hilarious. Luis Guzman is a riot. A damn riot.

·       Hulu with Tom Brady – Not today, Satan. Not today. What a douche.

·       Mountain Dew Zero Sugar – If there’s no sugar, what’s in it? Crank? Mountain Dew is garbage. Regardless of Bryan Cranston and Tracee Ellis-Ross, that shit ain’t good.

·       SquareSpace – Winona, MN. We’ve done this whole Fargo send up before. For like 20 years. I’d rather see jokes about Amy Klobuchar bringing a hot dish casserole to a fundraiser potluck.

·       New York Life – I really was into this until it was for New York Life.

·       Fanduel – Bullshit.

·       Hyundai Sonata – John Krasinski, Rachel Dratch and Chris Evans ALL IN ONE PLACE. This is a close second to the Snickers commercial.

·       Cheetos Popcorn – You can’t touch this. So, so, so smart and such a funny spot. New favorite.

·       Olay Regernist – I want to like this one but it was silly AND heavy-handed. That’s hard to accomplish but not in a good way.

·       Michelob Ultra – Gimme a break. They’re giving donations to organic farmers to grow shit for Mich Ultra? Lord….don’t pee off the roof and tell me it’s raining.

·       Avocados from Mexico – Pretty funny and who doesn’t love a moment with Molly Ringwald? No one. Similar to McDonald’s, if you don’t like Molly Ringwald??? The commies win.

·       Hard Rock Hotel – Ugh. What a waste of J. Lo and A-Rod. Why, oh, why did they have to bring in DJ Khalid? I just don’t understand why he’s a thing.

·       Pringles – Rancid.

·       TurboTax – I want to like this but I just don’t think I can. All people are tax people? I dunno. It’s not like anyone wants to pay taxes.

·       Tide – Still with the laundry later. It’s a smart approach.

·       Genesis SUV – John Legend and Chrissy Teigen are quickly become America’s couple, no? I liked it.

·       Coca-Cola Energy – What���s up with Jonah Hill? He looks like shit on a shingle. Martin Scorsese looks fine and he’s nearly 80. The same cannot be said for Jonah Hill.

·       Planter’s – I KNEW IT. I knew the death of Mr. Peanut was a part of something else. Super, super smart. Not sure it’s worth the investment or whether or not it will drive sales but VERY smart.

·       James Bond No Time to Die – Like Black Widow, I’m into it.

·       Google – Fuck me. That poor man trying to remember Loretta. We sobbed.

·       Sabra Hummus – This is how I mus? I don’t think so.

·       Verizon – Awful.

·       Pop Tarts – Jonathan Van Ness hawking Pop Tarts? I don’t get the connection.

·       Hummer – An electric Hummer? If I had a dollar……

·       Minions: The Rise of Gru – I’m NOT into it.

·       Saint Archer – What the fuck?

·       Wal-Mart – The pickup spot was waaaay better. Thank god. I though Wal-Mart was stepping up their marketing. They are not. Still crap.

Halftime show. Folks, I’ve had a on again, off again relationship with J. Lo. Right now, it’s on again. I am really digging her at the moment. Not sure that Shakira actually sang a note but whatevs. It was a solid show with the emphasis on the show. No one is expecting to witness a “Grammy” moment at the Super Bowl. Just do your hits. Bring the fireworks and wheel the set off the field.

This game is actually quite good.

·       Sodastream – Mars Water or Mark’s Water? Funny shit.

·       Hunter’s on Amazon Prime – Ummmmmm. What is this show? We’s a-gonna be watching that. Holy shit.

·       Pepsi Zero Sugar – You know what’s stupid? Pepsi invoking Coke colors and iconography. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

·       Heinz – Pretty OK.

·       Bud Light Seltzer – Post Malone is probably the right spokesperson for this particular product but it sure doesn’t speak to me.

·       Little Caesar’s – Meh.

·       Doritos – No.

·       Kia – Not terrible. Not great. Not the reaction you want after dropping 4 million for 30 seconds.

·       Turkish Airlines – Pretty smart but where can you actually find Turkish Airlines in the US? New York, Atlanta, Chicago? Where else? I’m not ever getting onto a Turkish Airlines plane from Indy.

·       Reese’s Take 5 – I really enjoyed this spot. Funny stuff.

·       Tide – Now with Wonder Woman and Charlie Day. It’s a solid campaign.

·       Alexa – Good stuff with Ellen and Portia. Do you think that everyone understands they’re married? I still wonder if Linda, Donna and Brenda from middle America actually get that they’re a couple and not just friends.

·       Michelob Ultra – The Jimmy Fallon and John Cena spot was pretty funny.

·       Xfinity – Terrible.

·       Nissan Rogue – This is not a new spot. I’ve already seen it. Don’t waste our time on old creative. So stupid.

·       Toyota Highlander – I wanted to like it but it was just too much.

·       Disney+ - All this new Marvel content makes me a little excited.

·       Discover No then Yes – I didn’t hate it but you kind of need to be paying attention. It happened quickly.

·       T-Mobile – Anthony Anderson’s real-life Mama. In the club. With cell service. Not bad but also a bit of cheap joke.

·       Budweiser – Typical American. Cheap.

·       P&G – Why?

·       Microsoft – This is how you extend your creative. They introduced their Katie Sowers spots a few weeks and NOW they’ve cut something new and made it about the Super Bowl. Solid.

·       Jeep Rubicon – SMARTEST AD IN THE SUPER BOWL. Loved it. Billy Murry reenacting Groundhog Day the movie on Groundhog Day the DAY to drive a Jeep over and over? Inspired.

·       Tide – We’ve wrapped it up with a clean shirt, everyone’s older and now with a dirty sweater. What started as not my favorite has turned into a solid outing by Tide.

·       Audi – So stupid. What the fuck was even happening?

Side note. Kyle Shanahan is 40. He also knows how to rock a hat. Hubba hubba. Also, this game continues to be quite exciting.

Great job, Chiefs! Fun, fun game.

[back-and-totheleft]

“Love is the only criticism”

The big-framed, genial filmmaker joined the throngs at BIFF 2011 — taking in some films, visiting around town, and then homing in on a Vielehr statuette and a long, fascinating conversation with BIFF Executive Producer of Special Events Ron Bostwick (who intrepidly scanned all 5,400 minutes of Stone’s filmic output as part of his preparation for the tribute).

The 64-year-old director, a three-time Oscar winner (as screenwriter, for “Midnight Express,” and as director of “Platoon” and “Born on the Fourth of July”), said, of his career-achievement honor, “This is not the end. This is the middle of the middle, not the beginning of the end.”

As he moved across the Boulder Theater stage to sit and chat with Bostwick, dozens of little glowing screens popped to life in the audience, viewscreens of cameras and video recorders, snapped on to drink in the sight and sound of the honoree.

Bostwick began the discussion asking Stone about the possible internal conflicts he faced when, as Stone has, he wore the hats of producer, director and writer of a given film interchangeably.

“I am conflicted,” Stone said. He talked about his self-termed Jekyll/Hyde impulses, explaining that his first name is William, his second Oliver, and that “the last psychiatrist I had theorized that William is the good boy and Oliver’s the bad boy. And Oliver does these things that William can’t stand – it creates tremendous tension, and out of that has come some fertility.”

Of his time at NYU, studying partly under Martin Scorsese: “Terrific. To major in film was new at the time, and we were in the first classes about this new medium . . . he (Scorsese) was tough. But the fellow students were the toughest! The chimpanzee bloodbath. It prepares you for the worst – which is what we experienced.”

He cited the incessant practicums in filmmaking at school as essential to his education. Each week, a team of students would make a film, trading functions such as actor, producer, writer, director, cameraman. “It was a good and rigorous way to learn,” he said. Ironically, the older, less wieldy pre-digital technology made the experience more rigorous.

“It was expensive – we couldn’t make many mistakes,” Stone said. He recalled that it wasn’t until years after his experience as a combat soldier in the Vietnam War that he began to really to process, contemplate and understand it. During the filming of “Salvador” in 1984 the parallels between what was happening there and what happened in Vietnam were disturbing to him.

“It seemed such a repetition of Vietnam,” he said. “South America keeps coming back like a reminder, in my life.” Stone filmed documentaries on the region: “Comandante” in 2003 and “South of the Border” in 2009.

Of his political awareness and contrarianism, which has been stereotyped by the press as a paranoid, conspiracy-theory-ridden mentality, especially after the release of his 1991 “JFK” film: “I didn’t seek it out, it kind of happened. It (his war experiences) gave me a strong sense of outrage, a sense of hypocrisy, of the government’s use of violence. Even to this day I have anger – plus, I have more money now so I pay taxes to buy these fucking bombs!”

He was asked about the remarkable percentage of actors in his films who have nominated for Oscars for their performances. Stone credited the performers for the merit of their work. “Each one of those actors was at the cusp of change,” Stone said. “Actors are always dying to redefine themselves.” Parenthetically, he said, “Never tell an actor he is just not right for a part. He will hate you for the rest of his life.”

Of the Oscars itself, Stone said, “I think of it as a wonderful parade and let it go. It’s very much a fashion show.”

Stone’s credo when it comes to his work is: “Make the movie – lie and steal and cheat – make the fucking movie.” He also reserves the right to go back and improve work that he feels wasn’t up to snuff, citing his 2007 director’s cut of “Alexander” as time well spent getting to tell the story in the way he intended.

He also admitted to being scared off projects from time to time – listing one concerning Martin Luther King, and another concerning the My Lai massacre, neither of which saw the light of day.

Bostwick played a second highlight reel for Stone – one that showed Stone performing in numerous cameo roles in his films. Of them, Stone said: “It’s fun to throw myself into my films. You cross the barrier and see what things are like for the people on the other side of the camera. It helps to loosen you up.” When asked if he was ready for one more clip of one of his performances, Stone joked, “It’s not a porno film, is it?” It turned to be Stone’s brief turn as a conspiratorially-minded version of himself on Larry King’s TV talk show in “Dave,” the 1993 comedy that involves a nice-guy double for a curmudgeonly President taking his place. Stone is the only one who notices the switch. “Don’t you think you should point out that I’m the only one in the film that turns out to be right?” Stone said, eyebrows cocked.

Of his experience writing the script for “Midnight Express,” Stone said that part of the script came from his own personal experience. He stated that he had been busted for drug possession eight days after returning home from service in Vietnam. “It’s disgusting hypocrisy – busting people for grass,” he said to great applause.

Stone outlined the underlying themes of his films as interrogations of the American ethos. He paraphrased Roman satirist Juvenal, saying, “Luxury corrupts far more ruthlessly than war,” and went on say that, in many of his films, he is asking “’Who is the bad guy here?’ Who is the bad guy, Mickey and Mallory (the mass-murderer central characters of his 1994 film “Natural Born Killers”) or the state?”

Riffing on his experience in Vietnam and its relation to his film “Platoon,” Stone disagreed with the general worshipful assessment of the “Greatest Generation,” stating “These guys behaved so arrogantly (in Vietnam) . . . And don’t forget, people make money in war – the PX system is corrupt like Vegas. ‘Air America’ (the 1990 Roger Spottiswoode action/comedy that indicted the CIA for enabling drug trafficking during the era) is pretty accurate. Fuck the Wall Street Journal (which published an editorial stating that the film was an affront to the memory of the soldiers who fought and died in Vietnam).”

Stone then declared that he hoped no one was blogging in the audience. Those around me turned to me and laughed nervously. I grinned with clenched teeth and kept typing.

Stone then spoke positively about Rupert Murdoch, owner of the Journal and global media lord, as a person, though, stating that “Nothing’s black and white except maybe Roger Ailes (president of the Fox News Channel).” Stone continued, “The major mainstream media is really screwed up and has put a bubble over this country. It’s not a democracy. If someone runs for office, he doesn’t have to win us — if he wins the media, he wins the election.” How can it be changed?, Bostwick asked.

“Get the airwaves back,” Stone replied. “Don’t give licenses to the biggest barons with money. Keep the real, free airwaves for the people. Media tells you what’s good, what’s bad, what to think . . . down beneath the media, it’s another world.”

Stone stated he was delighted with his visit. “I think Boulder should secede,” he said. “The Republic of Crazy, that’d be great! And then Steamboat Springs would jump in. Before you know it, there’d be a civil war between Aspen and you.”

Discussing his 1993 film “Heaven & Earth,” Stone said it “changed my heart. It was a chance for me as an American solider to look through the eyes of the people of Vietnam. That and ‘Nixon’ were my two biggest commercial disasters.”

He described the critical drubbing he took on “Heaven & Earth” as due partly to the difficulty of reviewers to grapple with overly spiritual material.

“Critics have a very hard time, ‘cause it’s a leap of faith. If they buy into it, they risk looking foolish on a spiritual level,” he said. As to “Nixon,” he said, “A man in a terrible suit glowering on a poster with a bunch of men in bad suits and bad haircuts is not a crowd-pleaser.”

When discussing how technology has changed the practice of experiencing a film, Stone stated first of all that “I loved road shows when I was a kid – four hours with an intermission!” (Roadshow theatrical releases, particularly popular from 1952 to 1971, we one- to two-a-day showings of widescreen epic films such as “The Ten Commandments,” “The Alamo” and “Lawrence of Arabia.”) “I love big dramas, I love Vincente Minnelli.”

Stone called Blu-ray “the last hardware.”

“This is your last chance to own a movie,” he said, surmising that non-theatrical audiences will in future order films online and download them, losing direct access to the created work. With the purchase of a concrete object that contains a given film, Stone said “You’re a possessor, you’re a collector,” and spoke of that warmly, stating by analogy that owning a library of films is satisfying, akin to “having a book on a shelf.”

Stone spoke of his upcoming documentary series for television, titled “Empire: the Forgotten History of the United States.” It tracks America’s military and foreign policies from World War II to today, postulating the errors that led in the view of some to the triumph of the military/industrial complex warned of by Eisenhower.

“We veered off into this national security state thing,” Stone said, and citing presidents such as Truman for their lack of intelligence in failing to prevent the tendency.

“There’s a mythos of Truman as this smart, tough little guy,” Stone said,” but I think we’ll eventually realize that he was as stupid as George W. Bush.”

Questions from the audience followed the interview. When asked by one young filmmaker, “Can you tell me what mistakes you made so that I don’t have to repeat them,” Stone replied, gently, “You have to make your own mistakes.”

Another aspiring filmmaker, now an enlisted person, asked what he should make a movie about. “Go to the Pentagon,” Stone said. “Make a film about what you know.”

When asked what kind of comic-book-character film he might make if were so inclined, Stone reminded the questioner that he had written the original script for “Conan the Barbarian,” and then said, “Why would you want to do that? Aren’t there enough of those films already? Make something else!”

When asked what thought of critics, he said, “Some of them should die,” then revised his statement, saying that writers such as Roger Ebert were to be praised for their intelligence and constructive criticism.

However, he went on, “They’re (bloggers are) looking for eyeballs and they’ll say anything. The thing I want to ask them is, ‘Are you happy in your soul? On your deathbed, do you think how many lives did you fuck up?’ In my mind, love is the only criticism. Think like a parent – point out the ways the child can improve his behavior, don’t trash him.”

After an interlude during which various audience members tried to convince Stone to make a film supporting their beliefs or causes (“I can’t chase every cause,” he explained, again gently), he was asked about the roles of festivals in promoting film.

“I love them,” he said. “Boulder, or Cannes, festivals are great. You get to see things you’d never see otherwise. Films like ‘The Edge’ (by Aleksi Uchitel, 2010) which we saw last night. Plus, it’s a nice place to give awards to old-timers,” referring ironically to himself.

-Brad Weismann, “Stone speaks: the BIFF interview,” Boulder International Film Festival, Feb 25 2011 [x]

[briinleyisms]

LMAO HEY MTV IT’S MARCY WELCOME 2 MY CRIB

“LMAO” AKA “ ( x ) ( x ) ( x ) #squadgoals”

ok so lowkey have had this muse for like ten years (ive been rping since i was seven fucking beat me) but every rp i bring her 2??? drops after like??? five days likE LISTEN THAT IS NOT HOW U RUN A RP LISTEN!!! UP!!! PUT UR BACK INTO IT!!!

anyhoW ok unlike ivan since i was still figuring out his bg w rosie when i posted his ‘intro’ i actually got brinley figured out and there’s a long version and a short version. imma put the tl;dr up here ok bc the non-tl;dr is overwhelming. personality is like.... toTALLY POINTLESS WHO CARES ABT PERSONALITY but it’s at the bottom i guess :\

TL;DR:

ok basically she was born into a death cult in aliso viejo, california (tbh i just looked up rural places in ca and chose the most recently established one i could find lmao) called ‘the children of the revelation’ bc im extra. lots of fear-mongering revolving around the idea of The End of Days™. leader was a total prophet and totally abused his prophet power. planned out ritual for end of days was lowkey highkey terrifying (‘let’s go die in the river of miracles’!!!!!! [too extra help me]) and one of the ‘apostles’ was like ‘i quit’ and left iN THE DEAD OF NIGHT!!! and lowkey basically kidnapped a few ppl including BUT NOT LIMITED TO brinley and they wound up in hillsboro and ‘apostle luke’ eventually left and now she’s in the oikos house. fin.

also sik tattooz bro.

ACTUAL VERSION THAT IS LONG(ER):

TW: cult (ofc), death, violence

firST it’s of note that i considered being rly fucking extra by putting quotations around her name bc her birth name is genesis like the book of revelations which brings me 2

my Extra™ title for this cult: “The Children of the Revelation”

so it was like a commune located in some place in CA that’s apparently rural and has only recently been established called ‘aliso viejo’ and lmao watch one of yall live there

but yeAH OK commune not just a church like the church of scientology like full on “u chose this life time 2 prove ur dedication”

alright so just full disclosure that i really really want to get this right and i know no one who has ever been in a cult (let alone a death cult) and i myself have not (as is likely expected) so i have already done research but i plan on doing like 100x more since this is a really serious subject. serious to the point that i’m not even using text slang (although i will when i get on with the intro post i just gotta).

anyhoW w that info out of the way time 2 get 2 the actual like point of the cult

first of all her mom joined the cult before she was born (ofc) and she was the gift!!! between her mom and one of the leader’s ‘apostles’!!!

so!!! 

basically: “lmao ur not leviticus enough 4 us.” (probs their slogan)

ok but obviously that’s scratching the surface like the real fuckery lied w/in two thing:

literal death cult (will get to that)

also doomsday cult

which sometimes go hand-in-hand anyhow

ok so the doomsday thing is what was more prominent in her life since she was 16 when she #escaped and never rly disobeyed (so many things 2 get 2!!!)

the leader’s name was ezekiel (cheever this is actually salem circa 1690) and he perceived himself as a prophet and naturally.... had prophecies. one of the most prominent ones was that the rapture would occur at 11:59PM on December 24th, 2011 (take away four days and add a year and u got the end of the world according 2 misconceptions abt the mayan calendar!)

the idea was that if u obeyed what ezekiel told u 2 do (he believed he was the fourth reincarnation of christ) u would end up going 2 heaven on judgment day but if u disobeyed...... yikes.

it depended on the magnitude of the ‘crime’ but for the most part if u disobeyed more than two times u were killed. u were hung or drowned and u were made an example of.

if u disobeyed less than two times and ur ‘offense’ wasnt worthy of immediate death dw!!! u can scrape by w torture!!! and also be made an example of!!!

so basically u were at ezekiel’s beck and call. every little bit of labor he asked u 2 do was like.......... if u didnt do it yiKES!!! ofc children werent expected 2 perform any laborious tasks rather just 2 listen and take in everything ezekiel and his apostles told them.

his ‘apostles’ who (as u can infer) served as his right-hand men were the fathers 2 all the children who would be born inside the cult. they kept ppl in line. they taught the kids when ezekiel was busy. those sorta things u kno???

ok so imma skip over some of the details that are like.... worse??? like theyre all bad but like these are the things i j feel like shouldnt be brought up in an intro post but theyre in the hella long rough-draft bio here that i went ahead and put up for this purpose rly

SO THAT BEING SAID THIS WAS SORTA A WAY 2 SHOW THE SORTA ENVIRONMENT SHE WAS RAISED IN AND IT SOUNDS FUN AND I WOULD LOVE 2 BE A PART OF IT.

so ok imma try 2 make this next part go quicker

basically the ‘judgment day’ was closing in and ezekiel’s plans were rly like no thank u ( (TW: SUICIDE) ’hey guys! 2 make sure we get into heaven not only do u have 2 follow all of my commands since im jesus’s fourth reincarnation but we all also have 2 walk into a river with rocks in our pockets at the time the world is supposed 2 scorch with hell’s fire!’ (END TW) fun christmas activities for u and ur bae.

as it started closing in it was basically all ezekiel talked abt during his ‘sermons’ like wtf??? what a church service.

‘apostle luke’ (i hate myself) was like “ok..... ok the more u talk abt this the less believable it sounds..... like wtf jesus’s fourth reincarnation??? pics or it didnt happen.” and after some months he wound up concocting this plan 2 #escape bc honestly??? 

so he eventually eSCAPED in the deAD OF NIGHT and basically kidnapped ppl like ok sure luke

one of said ppl was brinley which i kno is unexpected. (honestly i think this is like??? maybe the third time i brought her up in all of these bullets??? honestly @me

“wAS NOT WILLING 2 GO!!! WAS NOT HAPPY 2 GO!!! WAS NOT READY 2 GO!!! NEEDS SOMEONE 2 FOLLOW!!! DOES NOT KNO WHAT 2 DO!!! DOES NOT APPRECIATE THIS!!! IS SHOOK!!!” - everyone luke fucking kidnapped then basically had 2 serve as a stand-in ezekiel for

they ended up in hillsboro after like 84 years and he was like “OK EVERYONE GETS NEW NAMES!!! :D” and tbh he probs just pulled out one of those baby books pointed 2 a random name and bam!!! that was their name

so even tho i’ve been calling her brinley this whole time just 2 make it??? not confusing??? genesis became brinley and she was no longer a book of revelations she is apparently a name that’s most prominent in utah

over time ppl pce’d out (not rly bc they wanted 2 but bc they needed 2 like u get what i mean.)

it ended up j being three ppl in their shitty apt!!! one luke one brinley and one kid who has a name but 1) i havent mentioned it yet and 2) i dont want 2 go look for it in the bio tbh

doomsday came and brinley was shook!!! rly rly shook!!! trying 2 find out what 2 do that would be similar enough 2 what thE CHILDREN of the corn would do!!! and luke was like ( x )

a lot more climatic than im acting like it was but this is so long i dont want 2 spend too much time on anything anymore but ok minor point is homemade inkin’ machine (legit mainly bc ryan ashley -dave navarro voice- [has/had] what it takes... to be ink master. -end voice-)

ok luke left eventually and idk so did the kid idk that’s in there and at first she was like “lmao idk what 2 do ig imma squat [man ivan and brinley #parallels] and keep doin what im doin” and she did and ok

aFTER ALL OF THIS OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WRITE she wound up w the oikos (bc honestly u can only squat for so long and who the fuck would be like “yes! i would like 2 be inked by a kid on the street who doesnt rly have anywhere 2 put anything! yes!” [i would be like that #exposed]) and is now somewhere where ppl dont think the world will end soon wtf

personality but who cares abt that:

WOW THAT WAS LONG

ok!!! so i never rly had a clear definition of her personality i just like... waited 2 see (BEFORE THE RP CLOSED FUCK THAT) but then i watched a long-ass chipotle commercial (theres this one part where a cow is basically abt 2 be slaughtered and idk it’s so sad it was rly playin up that pathos i wanted 2 cry) and i was suddenly like!!! a lightbulb!!! “aha!!! basically fiona apple’s cover of ‘pure imagination’”

SO 2 GET ON W THAT

it’s been five years since she escaped and started desocializing from that lyf she knew but like............ five years compared 2 sixteen i mean which one’s gonna weigh the other out tbh (i just typed ‘way’ i cannot believe myself pls send me back 2 first grade)

so ok literally LITERALLY it is this song like im tryna think of how 2 explain it???

like the lyrics of it are (u kno willy wonka) v bright (albeit a bit ??? during that spin part) but the bg in fiona apple’s cover is so??? dark??? and honestly fiona apple’s voice just makes everything seem darker (i love fiona apple shes such a queen)

so it’s a v contradicting song

and she has a v contradicting personality

like ok one big thing that fits this contradiction is she feels like she needs someone 2 follow??? since that’s how it’s been almost all of her life??? (come 2 think of it i wouldnt be surprised w my subconscious if that’s the reason she’s still in the oikos house [asides from jobless but]) but at the same time like??? she WANTS 2 be independent??? she WANTS 2 be able 2 build a life for herself and around herself and not someone else but??? it just doesnt work that way???

MORE CONTRADICTION!!! bc of that whole ‘death/doomsday cult’ thing she is a p paranoid person??? but??? at the same time??? c h i l l ??? i mean in any case shes always gonna be lowkey paranoid but she doesnt??? rly act that way most of the time??? this could also be filed under “very curious about the norms of this brand new society but also very wary and prefers 2 Not™”

MORE!!! lmao ok religion idek what 2 do here honestly it’s so fucked. she knoWS IT’S SO FUCKED IT’S SO FUCKKING FUCKED but 16/21 years like??? v hard 2 get over that??? buT IT’S SO FUCKED. like no hate no discriminate (speaking of no discriminate highkey bi i love wlw) but also “everyone is a sinner and so am i we are living in sin we are going 2 burn it is only a matter of time satan where u @???” so like??? scared and wary??? but also??? fucked.

A LOT OF FUCKING FUCKERY. 

A FIONA APPLE SONG.

THANK U AND GOODNIGHT

if u would like 2 plot pls do feel free 2 like this or hmu

and if u actually READ that all then holy shit ur a saint u would make it 2 heaven on rapture day