#I forgot loved them when they got me my wheelchair hospital bed and the shower chair

[hafwen]

My mom called the charity that was able to give me my hospital bed, wheelchair, and shower chair for free because when her neuropathy is really bad she wants to potty chat so she doesn't have to walk the 50 feet to the bathroom so she’s getting that.

But she also asked them on the off chance had someone donated recliner because the chair she relaxes to sit in was already not the most comfortable but now she's falling asleep sitting up and it's really painful. They didn't have one, she understood, and said thank you very much. She was excited about the free potty chair but they called her today and said they called a local furniture store and they're going to donate a new recliner for free to my mom and deliver it Thursday or Friday!!!

[fromiftowhen]

fic: i want your midnights (an Upstead secret santa one shot)

A little New Year’s Eve Upstead fic for the @chicagopd-secretsanta Secret Santa exchange! I got to write for @bleedinghearthalstead who prompted “New Year’s Eve in the emergency room.” I hope this is what you were looking for, and I hope you’re having a wonderful holiday season! 

Rated T | 3300 words | Title from New Year’s Day by Taylor Swift

“Hailey, I swear, this is a waste of time,” he groans. “I’m good.”

“Yeah, you look really good. Your knee is three times the size it’s supposed to be, Jay,” she says, gesturing to the ice pack barely covering his right knee.

“You don’t think I look good?” He lifts the corner of his mouth in a smirk, and she rolls her eyes.

“Shut up. Obviously, I think you look good, that’s why we’re in this situation.”

“Oh, I remember,” he grins, letting his eyes roam down her body and back up slowly. “But we’re gonna miss Kim’s New Year party.”

She nods. “She’ll have one next year. Maybe you’ll learn to keep your hands to yourself by then and we won’t end up sitting in the ER waiting for the ball to drop.”

“Excuse me, I'll learn to keep my hands to myself? Pretty sure you started it.”

She just rolls her eyes and adjusts the ice pack on his knee.

He watches her for a moment until she glances up and narrows her eyes at him. “What?”

He shakes his head, grinning. “You want to spend next New Year’s Eve with me,” he says, fighting to keep the laugh out of his voice.

“Shut up,” she says again, but there’s a tiny hint of a blush creeping across her cheeks. It’s the first New Year’s Eve they’ve spent together as a couple and he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t been looking forward to Kim’s annual party, where he’d spent the last few years ringing in midnight with Hailey beside him.

This year, though, wouldn’t find him awkwardly swigging his beer to keep from reaching over and kissing her as the clock struck midnight. He’s not one for tradition or resolutions, doesn’t believe things magically change because the calendar flips over again.

This year, though. Well, her cheeks are still a little pink, and he’s finally gonna kiss her at midnight, hospital room and bad lighting and knee pain aside.

He just grins, and of course, she rolls her eyes again. “Try not to get any more stupid injuries this next year, and we’ll see about spending another New Year together.”

He finally lets himself laugh. “I’m sorry,” he says, incredulous. “Stupid injuries? You were a willing, enthusiastic participant.”

“Don’t give yourself too much credit there, pal,” she mutters. “You can shower by yourself next New Year’s Eve.”

“I was trying to,” he laughs, cringing a little as he shifts, and his knee protests with sharp pain.

She frowns. “See, it does hurt.”

“I’m fine,” he insists, but he lets her reach behind him and adjust his pillow so he doesn’t have to shift back too far in the bed.

Jay watches her pace the small hospital room, her arms crossed over her chest. She’s worried, and it’s honestly pretty damn cute.

“I’m sure you are,” she says, but it sounds like she’s just placating him. “I’m just saying, you made a very weird noise when you fell.”

“Yeah,” he rolls his eyes. “That’s because I was about to--”

The automatic whir of the sliding door sounds and Will’s voice interrupts him.

“I’m all for a full medical history, but please, god, don’t finish that sentence,” he says, hugging a chart to his chest. He looks gleeful and Jay wants to punch him.

“Isn’t there some rule about not treating family members?” He asks, eyeing Will suspiciously.

Will rolls his eyes, and beside him, he watches Hailey try to hide a smirk.

“Hey, I don’t need you two ganging up on me right now. I’m injured here.” He’ll never admit it sounds like a whine.

“Sure,” Hailey says. “The doctor comes in and suddenly you’re injured. You were fine two seconds ago.”

“Don’t call him the doctor, please,” he groans. “He’s already gonna be insufferable.”

“They worry we might become too emotionally invested,” Will says, shrugging like it’s another rule he’s about to disregard. “Pretty sure that’s not gonna be a problem.” He grins, flipping open the chart.

“Any chance you can get us out of here by midnight?” Jay asks, watching Will’s smirk grow a little as he reads over the chart.

“Bro,” he groans, glancing back up. “I already pulled the only strings I have to get you back here without a long wait. No promises.”

“We’re good, Will,” Hailey says. “We can wait.” Her voice sounds pointed but her fingers on his shoulder are gentle.

“Thank you, Hailey,” Will says. “Seriously, Jay, the right knee. Again?”

He shrugs, but Hailey lets out a little choking noise next to him, and he turns to her.

“Again? This has happened before?”

He starts to shake his head, but Will cuts in. “Oh, yeah. What, you were 13 the first time? And then high school, and your first year on patrol?”

Hailey looks like she's going to lose her mind, and Jay tosses Will a look, silently begging him to shut up.

“Baseball, Hailey,” Jay tells her, trying not to laugh. “Rounding the bases the first time and sliding into home the second. And chasing an offender on patrol.”

She nods slowly. “Okay. That makes more sense.”

Jay watches Will glance between them and then down at the chart. “This just says you fell. What did it this time?”

He doesn't say anything, but he can see pink flares dance across Hailey's cheeks. His brother is an idiot, but he's not an idiot, and Jay watches him put the pieces together.

“Ah,” he nods, smirking, and Jay can hear the laughter trying to fight its way through. “Well, sounds like you were at least rounding the bases this time too.”

“Oh, my god,” Hailey whispers, running a hand down her face.

Will sets the chart down and lifts the ice pack on his knee, pressing lightly around the swelling. “One to ten?” He asks, glancing up as Jay tries and fails not to hiss.

“Two,” he says.

“And if your girlfriend wasn't two feet away?”

“I hate you,” he whispers. “Four. Maybe five,” he admits.

Will steps back, grinning. “You worship me. You're gonna be fine. Doesn't seem like anything's torn, but I want a scan to double-check.”

“You can't just--”

“No,” Will sighs. “I can't just wrap it or let you leave or whatever other malpractice you were about to suggest.”

Jay rolls his eyes, but nods. “Fine. But no--”

“No needles, we know,” Hailey and Will say together, and honestly, he's not sure when his idiot brother and his sarcastic girlfriend became BFFs, but he's not into it.

He grumbles out a thanks but smiles when Hailey's fingers tangle with his on the edge of the mattress.

“I'm gonna go order your scan. How's the pain, really? Need anything for it?” It's Will's concerned doctor voice, but it sounds a lot like his protective brother voice and something in him tugs with appreciation.

“I’m good, but thanks.”

Will smiles. “Okay. But don't be a hero, doofus,” he says, picking up the chart and heading for the door. “Someone will come to get you soon.”

He nods.

“Oh, and Jay?” Will’s caring brother voice is gone, and Jay steels himself.

“Next time, let the girl shower alone.” Jay shoots him a look because they hadn't said anything, but Will just grins.

“I see this way too often. Plus, both of you have wet hair and I'm pretty sure your shirt is on backward.”

“Jesus christ,” Hailey whispers.

“You good, Hailey? I don't see any visible injuries. Escaped unscathed?”

She nods, but Jay's pretty sure she might murder both of them if given the slightest chance.

Will laughs. “Good. Oh, to be young and stupid and in love.”

He rolls his eyes. “For the record, I was in the shower first. By myself. This is barely my fault,” he says, but Will just gives a sarcastic little wave as the door closes behind him.

The room quiets as Hailey's fingers tug at his collar, little sparks of heat lingering where she touches.

“He was right,” she groans. Her fingers trail down his arm and he smiles.

“Well, don't ever tell him that,” he says, leaning forward and reaching for his collar to tug the shirt over his head. He glances at her, her eyes tracking his movements as he's turning it around, and smirks.

“Yeah, you probably shouldn't look at me like that right now. That look is the reason we're sitting here,” he grins, pulling the shirt slowly back down his chest.

“Sorry,” she mumbles, smoothing back her ponytail. When she glances up, her smile doesn't reach her eyes.

“Hey,” he whispers. “I was joking.”

She nods. “I know.”

“C’mere,” he says, reaching out an arm for her and pulling her up onto the narrow mattress with him. “It was an accident, babe.”

She nods again, reaching up to thread their fingers together where his arm rests over her shoulder. “I am sorry, though.”

“I’m gonna need you to stop apologizing for surprising me in the shower,” he laughs, pressing his lips to the top of her head. “Not ever gonna be mad about that.”

She laughs against his chest, and things feel like they're righting themselves again. He barely feels his knee.

“I'm not apologizing for that. That was fun,” she says. “Just. You know, the part where you fell.”

“Yeah, that wasn't the ending I was hoping for, but I'll survive. And still, not your fault.”

“Still,” she says. “I feel bad.”

“Gonna need that to stop, too. And I'm gonna be really mad if this keeps you from joining me in the shower in the future, just so we're clear.”

She rolls her eyes. “We'll see. Let's give you some time to heal first.”

He shrugs. “Not necessary.”

“Right, I forgot, you're fine,” she says. “I'll get you one of those shower chairs, maybe a handrail installed?

He wrinkles his nose slightly, shaking his head as he leans in to kiss her. “I mean, you can get me a shower chair if you're planning to--”

A knock sounds on the glass and he groans slightly when she pulls away as the door opens and a transporter with a wheelchair comes in.

“You must know someone,” he says. “Dr. Halstead had me skip you to the front of the line.”

“Aww,” Hailey says. “That’s a good brother.”

Jay laughs, shifting himself off the mattress and into the chair quickly. “That’s an annoyed brother,” he tells her. “He wants me out of here before I remind him how much I hate hospitals.”

She shifts so she’s more comfortable on the mattress where he was stretched out. “Yeah, I want you out of here too, I’m gonna stretch out for a bit.”

“What, too much exercise earlier?” He smirks as he’s wheeled out of the room.

“Bye, Jay,” she calls, and he watches her until she’s out of sight.

——————————

By the time he’s wheeled back in the room, it’s a little after 11PM, and Hailey is stretched out on the mattress on her phone.

“Go okay?” She asks, sitting up as he slides onto the mattress beside her, shifting to put his knee back up.

“‘Bout as good as anything in a hospital can,” he says, leaning over to press a kiss to her shoulder. “Think we’ll be out of here by midnight?”

She bites her lip. “I saw Will and April run by for a trauma a little while ago, so…”

“Probably not,” he fills in. “Oh well, good company at least,” he says, knocking his shoulder with hers.

“Mhmm,” she murmurs.

“You gonna make it to midnight, pal?” He asks quietly, watching her yawn.

She nods. “‘Course. I just didn't plan on being in bed before midnight. Got a little too relaxed.”

He winks. “I didn't plan on it either. Or, at least, not a hospital bed,” he grins, leaning over to press his lips to her cheek.

She lifts her lips in a small, easy smile and reaches for her phone when it lights up a moment later.

“Kim says hi,” she says. “And also, that you're an idiot.”

“Ouch,” he laughs. “Does she… know why I'm an idiot?”

She gives him a please look, raising her eyebrows. “Does anybody?”

“You're mean in the hospital,” he teases. “I like shower Hailey better, injuries and all.”

She rolls her eyes, holding out her phone to show him a picture of Kim, Kevin, and Adam, a ridiculously large box of fireworks in the frame.

“Oh, they are very drunk, that's a horrible idea,” he laughs. “Might wanna warn Will to look out for them later.”

“Warn Will about who?” Will asks, sneaking in through the still-open door.

“Our very drunk coworkers,” Hailey says. “Everything going okay out there?”

Will glances over his shoulder and Jay watches him closely as he turns back. It's not, he can see it on his face. But Will just smiles.

“It's New Year’s Eve, and it's still early, really. But look,” he sighs. “Radiology is backed up, it's gonna be a while before I can see your scans. Sorry, man.”

He shrugs. “I figured. Could be worse.”

Will nods, glancing at his watch. “Hey, we have a little tradition here at midnight. Give me like, half an hour and I'll come to get you.”

Jay nods. “Okay,” he says, a little unsure.

“Trust me, bro. And in the meantime, don't do anything stupid to injure yourself further. Hospital sex isn't that cool.”

“Okay, that's my limit of hearing the wrong Halstead brother discuss my sex life,” Hailey sighs.

Will points to himself, cocky grin in place, and Jay prepares to have to leverage himself up onto his bad knee to punch him.

“Wrong Halstead? I'm the right Halstead. Best Halstead,” he says, grinning.

“You know what, you both suck,” she says, and Will laughs as he leaves the room, which feels like a little bit of a win.

Jay leans into her when they're alone again, his chin on her shoulder. “I'm the best Halstead, right?”

“Ehhh,” she says, shrugging.

“Mean,” he whispers. She laughs, her shoulders shaking under his chin.

“Fine,” she laughs. “You’re the best Halstead for me.”

He presses his lips to her jaw slowly. “That feels like a cop-out, but I’m gonna take it.”

“Good,” she says. Her phone vibrates next to them again and she picks it up, stifling a laugh as she swipes it open.

“Five bucks one of them is missing an eyebrow on Monday,” she says, showing him a video Kim sent, fireworks blasting in the background, and a voice that sounds suspiciously like Adam yelling over the music.

“If by one of them you mean Adam, that's a sucker's bet.”

“True,” she laughs. “How's the knee feel?”

He shifts back on the mattress, guiding his arm around her waist and bringing her back with him. “Once you've been shot, everything else is like an annoying paper cut,” he downplays, and her look tells him she knows he's full of it.

But she doesn't say anything, just settles in against him, yawning again.

“Sorry we're spending our first New Year’s Eve at the ER,” he whispers.

She shrugs. “Best New Year’s Eve I've spent in the ER.”

Something inside him clenches because it probably should have occurred to him. It's been years, but he knows she still carries the Booth stuff around with her, and he can still picture her face from that whole week so clearly, the anger and fear and determination.

He presses his lips to her temple and breathes slowly against her, in and out. He searches for something to say that won't be pointless or trite, but by the time he thinks he's found the words, her breathing has evened out against him and a quick glance down tells him she's dozed off.

His good knee is cramping a little where her thigh is resting over his, but he just smiles and lets her doze, letting her relaxed features ease him too.

——————————

He distracts himself with his phone and Hailey's quiet breathing in and out against him until a light knock sounds on the glass and Will sticks his head in the door.

“You annoy her to death finally?”

He rolls his eyes, but Will just smirks.

“Wanna wake her up?”

He pauses for a moment, considering. She looks relaxed and comfortable, and really, that's all he ever wants for her on the nights when sleep is hard to find.

And he wants to kiss her at midnight more than he'll admit, in the cheesiest way he can imagine, fireworks between them if not in the sky. But he knows he can kiss her whenever, and it'll be just as good then.

But a loud crash sounds in the hallway before he can make up his mind, and as Will turns to check on it, Hailey shifts against him, waking up.

“Hey,” he whispers quietly.

“Hey.” She runs a hand across her eyes, stretching her back slowly. “I didn't mean to fall asleep.”

“You're good. Wanna get up and go with Will?”

She nods as Will turns back to them.

“And she's alive,” he says. “Maybe you're less annoying than I thought, Jay.”

“Doubtful,” Hailey says, sitting up. “Where are we going?”

“That's a surprise,” Will says, turning to wheel in a wheelchair.

“Dude, come on. At least get me some crutches.”

“Nope,” he says, Hailey's voice echoing right behind his. “Come on.”

——————————

“The roof, bro? This isn't gonna be like when I was seven and you tried to push me off, right?”

Will rolls his eyes, easing the wheelchair to a stop near the edge of the roof. “For the thousandth time, you slipped, Jay. Plus, Hailey would probably stop me.”

“Depends on the day.” Her voice is quiet and her fingers are pinpoints of heat against the back of his neck in the cold. “This is really nice, Will.”

And it is. There are lights strung and it's as quiet as the city gets on a night like this, traffic down below painting the night in red and gold moving lights.

“Figured if you have to be here, you may as well get the good view. Usually, there’s a little crowd, so you lucked out.”

They chat for a couple of minutes until Will's pager goes off and he groans quietly, glancing down at it.

Jay glances at his watch. 11:57.

“Gotta run. I'll call you when I see your scans,” he says, clapping Jay on the shoulder, shaking him a little. “Don't freeze to death up here please.”

“Happy New Year, man.”

Will grins, leaning in to give Hailey a quick hug. “You guys too. Seriously, though, no dying, this is probably against all kinds of rules. I don’t need that hassle.”

“Go, dude,” Jay says, laughing.

Will waves and heads back toward the roof access door and Hailey turns to him.

“I dunno, your brother might be my favorite Halstead right now.”

Jay just shakes his head. “Absolutely unacceptable,” he says, holding out his hand to bring her closer, pulling her down to sit on his good knee.

“Okay?” She asks quietly, settling in.

“Think I'll survive,” he whispers, his hands coming to rest on her waist. “You know, they say how you ring in the new year is how you spend the rest of the year.”

She bites her lip. “So, on a hospital roof, injured? Gotta say, not all that promising.”

He rolls his eyes. “Or, you know, together with me could work too. Maybe minus the injuries.”

She scrunches up her nose but grins. “That might be okay.”

He glances at his watch behind her back. “Yeah?”

“Could be better, probably,” she whispers, already leaning in.

His lips meet hers and he kisses her slowly, mentally counting down until he hears fireworks and cars honking below on the street.

When she pulls back, she’s smiling, and yeah, he could definitely spend the year exactly like this.

He thinks about pulling away, looking for fireworks in the night sky, but she leans back in and he closes his eyes, and he doesn’t need to look anywhere else to find them.

[wordsandshawn]

The Platonic Series ~ first night home (2018)

Synopsis: In this installment of the Platonic Series, Ella is born, and Y/n brings her home from the hospital. Ellas’s dad has already made it clear where he stands on being a father. Shawn gets on a flight back in time to weather Ella’s first night home alongside Y/n.

A/n: its fluff. its all fluff. Also, just a note for anyone unfamiliar with the platonic series. It’s a series, but each part also functions as a stand-alone, so you can read them in any order. The two parts preceding this piece are when y/n finds out she’s pregnant and when Shawn comes back to visit when Y/n is 8 months pregnant. All parts can also be found here. 

Word Count: 3k 

These last forty-eight hours have been a complete blur. From the grueling contractions getting closer and closer together to rushing to the hospital to enduring eight hours of labor to finally having your daughter in your arms, it was all a whirlwind of pain and emotion. The moment the nurse placed Ella in your arms, everything changed, and it was almost as though you forgot the hours of pain you endured as soon as you stared at your tiny baby girl. 

Your little sister, Olivia, was the one in the room with you when Ella was born. You had texted Stephen that you were going into labor, but he didn’t even bother to respond. He had made it clear where he stood on becoming a parent, but a part of you thought he might change his mind once he found out that the baby was really coming and that he was going to have a daughter whether he liked it or not. The radio silence from Stephen cemented his decision. 

Shawn was traveling for work when you began labor, but when you texted him that you were on your way to the hospital, he told you he would try to get back. You’ve known that Shawn would probably not be there when your daughter was born, but he always insisted that he would try his best to be there, if not when she was born then at least when she went home for the first time. True to his word, Shawn managed to show up at the hospital to meet Ella for the first time a couple hours before you and your newborn baby daughter were released from the hospital. 

Shawn was absolutely enamored by her from the moment he first saw her. You watched him hold her in his arms carefully like he was afraid she would break if he moved wrong. He just stared at her for five minutes straight without moving or saying anything. In all the years you’ve known Shawn, you’ve never seen him look at anyone with that much pure awe and love. 

After Shawn arrived at the hospital, your sister went back to your apartment since she had been with you in the hospital the whole time and deserved to shower and rest. Shawn stayed with you until it was time to be released. He learned to change Ella’s tiny diaper and kept asking if he was doing it right. When she was in his arms, he never wanted to put her down or even share her with you, only grudgingly giving her up when it was time for her to nurse. 

Your parents have not been very supportive of your pregnancy, especially because you and Stephen broke up before you even found out you were pregnant. They made it clear that they did not believe you could give your daughter the type of life she deserved, and they did not support your decision to keep her. However, from the moment you found out you were pregnant, you were determined to be the best mom ever, despite their lack of support. 

Knowing that your parents really did not support you, and knowing that your home environment was never the most nurturing or loving, you made the decision to remain at your apartment near your University as you prepared for your baby. You had been working as a waitress and to help put yourself through school throughout your first two years of University before getting pregnant, but once you found out you were pregnant, you ended up dropping some classes to work more shifts and save up for your own place. 

The road to this moment was certainly not an easy one, but now you have a baby, and as difficult as it has been, you wouldn’t change any of it because it led you here with your beautiful daughter. 

“I can’t believe she’s here,” Shawn says, his eyes on Ella as you finish signing the paperwork needed to be discharged from the hospital. 

“Me too.” You respond with a smile. Everything still hurts, but you’re looking forward to going home. 

Shawn carefully lifts Ella and places her in the car seat, maneuvering her to get the straps over her shoulders and clipping it in front of her chest. As you’re watching Shawn strap her in, you realize something, 

“The base, the car seat base, it’s in my car but Olivia took it.” You tell Shawn, frantically. 

All of a sudden, you’re feeling that familiar feeling of anxiety creeping up. You’re worried that you’ll mess this up. You’ve dreamed of being a mom ever since you were a little kid, but you never expected it to be like this. The idea of taking on motherhood as a single parent has worried you more than you can begin to admit. You’re worried that you won’t be a good mom, and you’re reassured in that worry when you realize that you’re about to take your child home from the hospital, but you don’t even have half of the car seat. 

“Don’t worry,” Shawn responds nonchalantly not taking his eyes off of Ella, “I moved it to my car before she left.”

You look at him amazed. He doesn’t notice your moment of worry, still focused on making sure Ella is safely strapped into her car seat. A nurse enters at this moment, ready to wheel you out of the hospital. You move to the wheelchair and Shawn carries Ella in the baby carrier out of the hospital. When you get to the front, the nurse waits with you and Ella while Shawn goes to get his car. 

Shawn pulls up, putting the car in park before getting out and placing Ella’s car seat into the base in the back seat of his car. Once she’s in, both of you get into the car, and he starts to drive. Shawn’s smiling as he drives, and you can’t help but ask, “What?” 

“You did that. You had a baby, and she’s so freakin cute.” He responds. 

You can’t help but smile too, letting some of that anxiety release as you take in the moment, “I did. She’s really here.” You respond with a soft smile on your face. 

He smiles too, and most of the car ride passes in silence, both of you lost in thought about what just happened and how surreal it is that you actually have a newborn baby. 

When you arrive back at your apartment, you find that Olivia is asleep on the couch, and you’re not surprised at all. After the last couple of days, you’d really like to be asleep too, but you have a baby that needs to be fed. You take your bag to the bedroom, and Shawn follows closely behind with Ella in the car seat. 

She’s awake and crying already, and Shawn carefully takes her out of the car seat, checking her diaper. “Her diaper’s wet.” He says. 

“I can change her, you say, locating a tiny newborn diaper while he places her down on the bed. 

“I got it,” He responds, and you don’t argue. He’s already changed her diaper several times in the hospital, and you’re so exhausted, you welcome his willingness to help. He quickly changes her, speaking softly to her the entire time. When he’s done, he looks up at you, where you’ve plopped yourself down on the bed and readied yourself for her. “Time to eat, baby girl.” He tells her, walking her over to you, and gently handing her to you. 

You take her into your arms and move to lift your shirt up. Shawn leaves the room, just wanting to make sure you’re comfortable, but the truth is, you wouldn’t care if he saw you with your boob out. It’s to feed your daughter. There’s nothing sexual about it, and he’s your best friend. Either way, he disappears, and you wince in pain as you try to get Ella to latch properly. 

She only eats a tiny bit. Nursing is still a struggle. The lactation consultant that met with you at the hospital informed you that it would take some time to get the hang of nursing for both you and Ella, but you can’t help but already worry that she’s not eating enough. After she’s done eating, you burp her and she falls asleep almost immediately. 

You place her in the bassinet you have for her, and take a few seconds to admire her. Even though its only been a day, you already feel so connected to this tiny human. You grew her for nine months, and it has felt like it was just you and her for that entire time. She knows you already in a way different than anyone else, and you know her in a different way than anyone else. 

After making sure that she’s sleeping peacefully, you walk back out to the living room to see Shawn putting away the clean dishes from your dishwasher. “She’s sleeping,” You whisper, when you’re close enough to him to not wake Olivia. 

He nods, “Good, you should get some rest too.” 

“I will. I just wanted some water.” 

He nods, pulling a glass from the dishwasher and filling it with ice and water before handing it to you. “Thank you.” You say, taking it before returning to the room. An hour later, you wake up from your nap, looking over to the bassinet, but your heart leaps in your chest when you don’t see Ella. You sit up quickly, looking frantically around the room. 

Your eyes land on Shawn seated in a chair in the corner of the room, and you sigh in relief. Ella is in Shawn’s arms, his eyes glued to her. 

When she starts fussing, he bounces her softly, his eyes finally looking up and meeting yours. He didn’t know you were awake until just now, and he says, “I think she’s hungry.” You nod, and he brings her over, transferring her to your arms. “I just changed her diaper, so she should be good on that.” 

“Thank you, Shawn,” You say gratefully. You’re not sure how he got her when she woke up before she cried and woke you, or how he managed to change her diaper so quietly, but you’re so grateful for those few extra minutes of sleep.

After you nurse Ella again, you venture back into the living room. Olivia has woken up, and the three of you order dinner and eat together, but Liv has to leave shortly after dinner in order to get back to her Uni for class the next day. You say goodbye to her, and you’re grateful that at least you’ll still have Shawn.

Ella has a crib that Shawn helped you set up a month ago, but since she’s still so little, she’s sleeping in a bassinet by your bed. Its around nine pm when you fall asleep straight after nursing Ella. You know you’ll have to get as much sleep as you can while she’s sleeping.

You awake to the sound of Shawn’s voice and a gentle nudge on your shoulders. “Y/n, wake up.” 

When you open your eyes, you see Shawn standing there with Ella in his arms. “She’s hungry.” He says. Holding her out to you. Wiping some sleep from your eyes while trying to wake up, you take her and pull your tank top down. Ella promptly latches and you sigh in relief. She’s starting to get the hang of it. You look at the clock to see that it’s eleven-thirty, so you got a little over two hours of sleep. When you look over at the other side of your bed, you see that the bed is still made on that side, meaning Shawn either hasn’t gone to sleep or didn’t sleep in the bed. 

You’ve shared a bed with Shawn too many times to count. If he was staying over at your house, he almost always slept in your bed because the couch was too small for him to fit comfortably and you don’t have a guest room. The two of you have shared beds during sleepovers since you were kids, so it has never seemed weird or felt awkward in any way. It has always just been normal. 

Shawn had disappeared into the bathroom, but he returns a few minutes later, while Ella is still nursing. “Did you sleep at all?” You aks him when he enters the room. 

He shakes his head, “No, I figured I’d stay up til she woke up the first time, that way I could get her and change her diaper before she woke you.” He explains. 

“Thanks, Shawn,” You say, knowing every minute of sleep actually counts now, “But you know she’s not your responsibility, right?” You ask, hoping Shawn understands how grateful you are that he has always been so supportive, but at the same time, he’s not Ella’s father, and he has no obligation or responsibility for her. 

He really shouldn’t be waking up in the middle of the night to get her or having to change her diaper all the time. Even in your tired state, you know this, and you hope that he knows it too. Ella is your responsibility, well, she’s yours and Stephen’s, but since he has made it so clear that he does not want to take responsibility for her, then she’s solely your responsibility. 

“I know, but I’m here and I don’t want you to have to do this on your own.” He says.

Ella finishes up, and you shift her in your arms, getting ready to burp her. Shawn steps in taking her from your arms, “I got it, go back to sleep because I know I’ll probably sleep through the next feeding.” He admits honestly, then adds, “But you can wake me if you need anything.” 

You’re still tired, so you don’t argue with him at all, just rolling over and falling back asleep. You take on the next two feedings on your own. Doing the feedings on your own means you’re awake for a lot longer because you have to change her, feed her, burp her, and wait for her to fall back asleep and then fall back asleep yourself. Because of that, you’re lucky if you get an hour of uninterrupted sleep between each feeding.  

Shawn wakes you up again at seven, with Ella in his arms, letting you know that she’s hungry. At this point, you barely open your eyes, but you take her from Shawn and feed her. 

You start to doze off until you feel movement in your arms, jerking awake, you realize Shawn is taking Ella from you. “I got her,” He says, softly, and you’re not even awake enough to thank him before you’re dozing off. 

When you wake up again around nine, you decide it’s time to actually get up, so you use the bathroom and attempt to make yourself at least somewhat presentable before wandering out into the living room. Shawn is seated on the couch, but he’s so focused on Ella who’s in his arms and staring up at him that he doesn’t notice that you’re awake. “Hey pretty girl,” He coos at Ella. “You’re perfect, you know that? You’re really cute, but you make your mom really tired. We’re gonna work on sleeping longer, soon, okay?”  

“Morning,” You say to capture Shawn’s attention. 

He turns to you, “Good morning, how are you feeling?” 

“Sore, tired.” You respond, taking a seat next to Shawn on the couch. 

“But you survived the first night.” He says, trying to look at the positives. 

“We survived.” You respond, nodding your head and choosing to look on the bright side too. 

“My parents and Aaliyah are bringing us lunch, but they don’t have to stay if you’re too tired.” 

“No, I don’t mind, they can come and stay for a while. I know they’ll want to see Ella.” 

He nods, “They do. My mom said she knows what it's like to have an infant, so if you need anything, you can always call her. But I mean, I’ll be around for a while, so I can call her if we need anything.” 

You feel touched that Karen has offered to be there for you, but you can’t help but also be reminded of how your mom isn’t there for you in that way. You know that being a young single mom is going to be hard, but it’s also hard knowing that your family doesn’t support you. At least you have Shawn’s family. 

“Wait, I thought you were just back home for a bit. Don’t you have to finish recording?” 

“I took some time off, remember we talked about it,” Shawn said. And he’s kind of right, you had talked about it, but only a little bit. As your due date neared, Shawn had floated by you the idea of taking some time off after she was born that way he could help you out with Ella, but you had adamantly refused, for several reasons. One of them was that Shawn couldn’t and shouldn’t just put his life and career on hold since there are so many intricate details and never enough time as it is. The other reason is that he’s not even Ella’s dad. She’s not his responsibility, so he shouldn’t feel obligated to take responsibility for her or to take time off. 

However, that was a conversation you had while you were still pregnant. A conversation you had while you were still holding out hope that maybe Stephen would come back around when he found out you gave birth and there was a little baby in the world that was half of him. And lastly, it was a conversation you had before you knew just how exhausting and painful the days following Ella’s birth were going to be. 

“How much time do you have off?” You ask. 

“A month. I have a couple of recording sessions throughout, but I’m not leaving the city.” He responds, his eyes searching yours for approval. He knows there’s a chance you’d get upset with him because he knows that you had made it clear he was not to put his career on hold for your baby and that’s exactly what he did. 

However, the truth is, you need him. You’ve always needed him, and he’s always been there for you. But now you need him more than you think you’ve ever needed him before because suddenly there’s a tiny baby that needs you, and you aren’t exactly sure what to do or how to handle it, and you’re terrified to mess it up. 

“Thank you.” You respond. “You didn’t have to, but thank you.” 

He nods slightly, accepting your appreciation before saying, “I mean, come on. Look at this face. I can’t leave her after just meeting her.” 

[salt-warrior]

WHEN EARTH TURNS TO ASHES

Masterlist

Chapter Thirteen: Where the Letter Lies

Kai whistled cheerily as he walked up the stairs to Cinder's dingy apartment building; keys clinked in his hands merrily, and the overall mood of the visit was exciting.

Over the past week, Kai and Cinder had developed something close to friendship. While he knew that she was still lying to him on multiple fronts, he liked being around her. She hardly ever talked, but that had never bothered Kai. He talked enough for a dozen people.

On this particular day, Kai had been sent to Cinder's apartment to retrieve clothes for her to go home in. She had been offered a multitude of used clothes the hospital had on hand, but Kai had been vehement on getting some of her own to go home in. He wanted her to be comfortable, and maybe even a little nice for the party he was going to throw her.

Cinder didn't seem to realize that today was her birthday, but Kai knew. He had been planning the celebration since the time she had forgiven him. While it wasn't going to be the party of the century (Kai didn't want to overwhelm her), it would be a good opportunity for Cinder to reconnect with some people she had left behind. In other words, Kai had invited Cress.

After much convincing over the past week, Kai had talked Cress into coming to Cinder's twentieth birthday party. She had argued that 'Selene' wouldn't want her there, or that she would ruin the entire celebration with her presence. Kai had taken matters into his own hands and said that Cinder would be more than happy to see an old friend. He only hoped that he was speaking the truth.

Kai opened the door to Cinder's tiny apartment with the twist of a key. He stared at the dank living space with a somber mood. He could see everything from his vantage point by the door: a bedroom holding only a bed; a tiny bathroom barely large enough to accommodate a toilet, sink and the smallest shower known to man; and a kitchen with a microwave, fridge, and stool behind a small counter.

Crossing the room slowly, Kai walked into her bedroom. He felt uncomfortable entering a ladies quarters, but Cinder had told him most specifically where to find her clothes. The twin bed with rumpled sheets turned out not to be the only thing in the room. Shelves lined the walls all around the messy bed, and a thin layer of dust had begun to settle on top of the clothes resting atop the shelves.

Cinder didn't seem to have much variety in her clothing. Kai grabbed a gray t-shirt and cargo pants that matched everything else on her shelves, thanking his lucky stars that he didn't have to grab any feminine apparel; Iko had already volunteered those articles for Cinder.

Kai glanced around the room once more before tugging the beige sheets off the bed; he never could stand an unmade bed. Kai stripped the bed until it was nothing but a beat up mattress. He would have washed the bedding, but there wasn't enough time. Thorne was set to come and decorate the place in less than an hour.

Kai tucked the fitted sheet all around the corners of the bed and under the edges, sitting atop the bed to get the uppermost corners. When he got to the top right corner of the mattress, however, something was already tucked beneath its edge.

Reaching his arm deeper under the bed, Kai felt the worn starch of a paper envelope. He tugged at it gently, sure not to tear the lumpy package. When Kai's hand re-materialized from beneath the mattress, it was carrying a faded white-letter envelope.

The seal of the envelope was broken, and Kai's curiosity won over without much resistance. He lifted up the lip of the white paper, and pulled out three items: a folded up piece of paper with words scribbled in messy cursive, a water-stained photograph, and a small braided bracelet.

Kai studied the photograph, but no breakthrough came. He held the circle of braided string, trying to guess what its significance might have been. It looked about the right size for Cinder's delicate wrist, though judging from its worn quality she hadn't been its original owner. Finally, Kai unfolded the sheet of paper. He felt guilty going through Cinder's things. He knew what he was doing was wrong and a complete invasion of her privacy, but he couldn't help himself.

The sheet of paper had but a few words on it written in dull black ink. Kai read with ravished interest, reading it three times before the words began to make sense.

My dearest Selene,

I am writing you this letter because I am afraid. I am afraid that my time with you is numbered down to days, and while I cannot give you much, I can give you my words.

This life that you live is not one I ever wanted from you. If I could, I would have you be a Queen. You do have a Queen's name, after all. But life is unfair, and while you deserve someone that can take care of you, I have never been too great at my job.

As my final promise to you, I swear on the only thing I love—you— that I will protect you with the force of a whirlwind of fire. Selene Channary Blackburn, I love you. You are my world, and the only thing that I truly love. I will burn this Earth to ashes if only to prove my love for you.

Love, Mommy

***

Cinder trembled from nerves as she stood from her wheelchair and moved herself— with the help of Kai and Nainsi— into the car. The cold wasn't helping either, seeing how the ground was covered with snow and ice.

Nainsi trotted away with a soft word of goodbye, while Kai placed Cinder's crutches across the backseat of his car. She felt awkward watching them work while she sat and did nothing, but the nurses had been strict; Cinder wasn't allowed to do anything physically exerting for at least another six weeks. They were only allowing her to go home on behalf of the fact that Iko had volunteered to check on Cinder everyday, along with Kai.

Kai, finished with his work, pulled himself gracefully into the car. He fired up the beautiful machine with practiced hands, turning up the heater to full blast. The sudden heat sent a shiver through Cinder's veins, and Kai glanced over at her with concern.

"Are you cold?" Kai asked, and without even waiting for a response, took off his hoodie and placed it in Cinder's lap. "Here, take this. I'm too hot with it on anyway."

A blush crept up Cinder's cheeks, but Kai didn't seem to notice. She pulled the gray hoodie over her head clumsily, her left arm still bandaged and unfeeling. The sweatshirt was still warm from Kai's skin, and it sent tingles along her flesh. It smelled of laundry detergent, chocolate, and whatever cologne Kai used. It was the best smell Cinder had come across before, and she had to resist the urge to shove her entire face in it and inhale the scent of Kai.

"Thank you," Cinder whispered, no longer trembling. There was something calming about Kai. He was a constant in her life, no matter how hard she pushed him away. He was pure and good and kind, and Cinder was still wondering why he had decided to stay in her life.

"I should have brought you one of yours, but I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry," Kai said, his shoulders rigid and lips pulled tight. He looked guilty, and Cinder had to resist the urge to roll her eyes; only Kai could feel bad about not considering to bring a girl a jacket and then giving her his own.

Cinder pulled the sleeves of the delicious smelling jacket up around her frozen fingers. "It's not your fault. I forgot to tell you where they were, anyways." Cinder smiled at him, though he continued to not look at her. Maybe he was just a careful driver. "I like yours better, anyways."

Kai laughed, and Cinder bent her head down in embarrassment. She had not intended for those words to come out of her mouth, no matter how much she had been thinking them.

"Hey, Cinder?"

"What?" Cinder mumbled in anguish, her cheeks still brightly colored.

"Can I ask you a question?" Kai bit at his bottom lip, and Cinder watched his face with anticipation.

"I think you just did," Cinder mumbled, her walls rising up as the flashing red lights began to play throughout her head.

"What actually happened to your mother?" Kai asked timidly. "You don't have to tell me, but I know that she wasn't arrested. I... I can tell when you're lying."

Cinder knew that last part was a lie. In order to be an expert liar, you had to know when others were lying, and Kai had absolutely no practice with lying. She decided to let it go, however. She liked Kai a lot, and knew that he wasn't trying to take advantage of her.

Silence filled the car like ice water, chilling Cinder. There had only ever been one other person whom she had told the truth to. That person had betrayed her.

"You're right, my mother isn't in jail," Cinder commended with a huff.

Neither of them said anything after that.

***

"Are you sure you don't need any help with that?" Kai asked, placing a hand on Cinder's lower back as she stumbled forward on her crutches. She stiffened, but didn't push him away. Kai took her right crutch from her, and wrapped his arm gently around her waist. She slung her uninjured arm clumsily around his own waist, and they set off, Kai bearing most of Cinder's weight.

Cinder was able to wear her prosthetic, but she wasn't used to it. The crutches were a completely different matter, though. While they did help, Cinder often couldn't tell if she was holding the left one. She never said any of this to Kai, but he could tell.

"Thanks," Cinder whispered gratefully.

"Anything for you, my lady," Kai said, and while he meant it as a joke, he really would do just about anything for Cinder.

"Why do you care so much, Kai?" Cinder stumbled over the icy ground, but her words were steady. Kai contemplated the question, not entirely sure himself. Thorne had asked him the same question, along with Kai's father. There was just something so intriguing about Cinder.

"Everyone deserves to have someone who cares," Kai answered simply.

Cinder hummed in acknowledgement, nodding her head softly. "Thank you— for caring."

Kai blushed deeply, his arms tightening around Cinder. The cold bit at his face and arms, but he was filled with warmth from the inside. He wanted nothing more than to be close to her for the rest of eternity; to feel her warmth.

The duo trudged into the apartment building, anticipation clawing at Kai's skin. He was beginning to wish that he had not initiated a party, but instead gotten to spend an evening alone with Cinder. He wanted to listen to her voice tell him stories, and comfort her through the shadows of her past. He wanted to be with her.

They made it up to Cinder's floor only a short elevator ride later. Cinder was visibly sagging with relief and Kai began to wish that he hadn't thrown her a party for an entirely different reason. Sure it was her birthday, and she was finally getting home, but she looked exhausted.

Kai pulled the apartment room key from his pocket as the couple found themselves in front of the door. He opened the door with misery, knowing in that moment that he had messed up big time.

"Happy birthday, Fire Angel!" Thorne yelled, tossing glitter into the air. Kai had specifically told Thorne to leave the glitter at home, but he had always been a terrible listener. "Only one more year till you're legal!" Kai could have died of shame.

"Happiest of birthdays, Cinder." Iko smiled cheerily, her blue braids tied up in a messy bun. She looked weird out of uniform, but still absolutely gorgeous.

"Happy birthday, Selene," whispered Cress, standing in the shadows of the dark apartment.

Cinder flinched, shoving herself away from Kai as fast as she could. "What is she doing here?" Cinder's tone was indignant, but betrayed.

"I–" Kai stammered, his entire demeanor small and vulnerable. "I thought–"

"What did you do, Kai?" Cinder's face held more betrayal than any ancient biblical kiss ever could. "Why?"

"I thought you might like to see her again, she's your friend, after all," Kai defended, though he wished that she would scream at him.

"I can just go–" Cress stammered, her face pale. Her short blonde hair hung around her face in soft waves, and her clothes were bundled on like as if she were an an arctic eskimo.

"No," Cinder cut in. "I need to go. I have to get out of here. You guys–" Cinder's eyes filled with sadness. It hurt Kai to see her like this. It devastated Kai to know that he had brought this anguish upon her. "I have to go, and I don't want to ever see any of you ever again!"

Cinder stole her crutch back from Kai, and slammed the door closed behind her. Iko rushed out after her, glaring at Kai.

Kai wanted to die. He longed to be cut into a thousand tiny pieces. He wished that Cinder would punch him, kick him, scream at him for doing something so cruel and stupid. How had he not thought this through better? If Cinder hadn't kept in touch with Cress, it must have been for an excellent reason, and Kai had opened old wounds with his foolishness.

"I'm so sorry," Cress sobbed, her blue eyes supernovas of sadness. "I– I thought she wanted to see me again."

"So did I," Kai said. "Don't apologize, Cress. This isn't your fault. I lied to you and Cinder. I shouldn't have ever done that."

"No, no, no," Cress cried, "you don't understand!"

Thorne, who had remained silent since Cinder's leaving perked up. "What? What don't we understand?"

"I should... I should have told you the truth when you came to Olympia." Cress buried her face in her hands. "I know why Selene left, and it's all my fault."

[ill-skillsgard]

Bad Decisions - Axel Cluney

Title: Bad Decisions

Description: It's hard to learn from your mistakes when the mistake is six foot four, covered in tattoos and tracks you down at your own party.

Warning: 18+ Mentions of sex/swearing/drug use/pregnancy & abortion

A/N: This is another short one-shot piece that was lost back in the purge of ‘18. I was going through my notes and saw it, figured you guys might want to give it a read. Especially all my new followers. Hope you enjoy and have a lovely day/night! Kisses forever!

"There are no feelings to be hurt."

After my procedure, I didn't feel different like I thought I might. I didn't feel different about myself or him. I didn't even feel all that bad either. Even after I was pushed out of the sliding hospital doors in a wheelchair, I felt like it was just a necessary part of it all. I had to humour the hospital staff by sitting down in the chair even though I didn't feel lethargic or dizzy. It was all just part of the experience. I had a couple of days off which I took to reflect upon my life choices but the harder I thought about it the more I realized that I really didn't care about getting myself into a less-than-desirable situation. I had it fixed and I was quickly back to my normal self. The only person I told about it was my mom and she had only a moment of reproach before she settled down and told me that I was making the right choice by ridding myself of a life-long problem. Sighing with relief, I thanked her for understanding and she even offered to take me to my appointment and bring me back home afterward to make sure I was comfortable and not alone. "Does he know?" She asked me, eyes trained to the road in front of her. "No." "Oh." "Why? You think I should tell him?" "That depends," She told me. "Are you planning on seeing him again?" "I don't know. Probably not." It had been two months since I hooked up with Axel. We had met at a mutual friend's party and hit it off and after a few too many drinks we went back to his place for a drunken hookup. It could have been the excess of vodka or just the right amount of cocaine but we went at it all night and once he passed out beside me, a sweaty, spent mess, I laid there in his bed with cum dripping out of me. The slick stickiness acted as a reminder that I was good at making bad decisions. The next morning I woke up feeling like I had slept outside in a dumpster and looked it too. I had clumps of eye makeup running down my cheeks and my hair was mussed from when Axel had twisted his hand through it and used the strands like a reign to pull me back into him while he pounded into me, growling abhorrent things like, "I'm going to fuck you until you love me." Axel was in the shower or so I assumed by the sound of running water coming from behind a closed door. I rummaged around for my cell phone so I could use the screen to get a better look at myself. I digressed that if he or anyone were to see me in that state it would be off-putting and not at all pleasant. So I gathered my things and left without saying a word to him. He never reached out to me at all so I suspected that me fleeing the scene came as a welcome surprise to him. I wasn't sure though because I didn't know him at all. All I knew was that he had bad tattoos, hung around with people like me and my friends and had a nasty mouth on him. I didn't know that he had gotten me pregnant until about a month after I fucked him. By the time I begged for and got my appointment, another few weeks passed and the more time I spent thinking about some guy's illegitimate child forming inside of my body the more I panicked. Not without relief, I couldn't really stop thinking about it even as days passed and I went back to normal. When I got my first regular period I stopped fretting about it so much and it started to become more of an unpleasant memory rather than a present reality. No, I didn't expect to see him ever again and I could live with that. However, the universe had this way of dredging up past bad decisions and shoving it in my face like a bully trying to force me to eat dirt. I had a party in my flat for my friend's birthday. There were going to be people coming that I didn't quite know but I had offered up my place as the venue anyway as I often did for my friends. My apartment was smack in the middle of downtown and was a convenient spot for people to flutter off to bars or restaurants for late-night snacks. It was a nice central haven to have casual drinks. Sometimes though, it became a madhouse. I was never in charge of parties nor was I the greatest host so if things ever got out of hand, I looked to the friend whose birthday it was to handle the mess. I couldn't be sure if people were doing drugs off my bathroom sink or fucking in my food pantry.  I also didn't really care as long as my belongings were respected. It was one of those nights and I stood in the middle of my flat sipping my fourth martini. People often came by to say hello or to tell me about their new rescue dog or the screenplay they were working on and I liked that. I was a hub for pleasant small talk and I didn't have to do much but stand there, existing. A friend of mine from college came in through the front door and brought somebody with her. Somebody I quickly recognized as Axel. They were holding hands and my chest contracted and released the chemicals of shock into my bloodstream, causing me to prickle, nerves excited but not in a good way. Axel saw me too and the only reason I could tell was that his eyes were the two most noticeable things in the room. The way they just shot daggers in any direction was alarming. Not only that but he towered over most with his square shoulders and intense Scandinavian facial structure. It was hard not to let the eyes follow him. I remained in my stance, thankful for when a friend came up to me to ask a question. I pushed all of my attention onto her and engaged in extended conversation quickly for an effective distraction from the awkward tension I was feeling. I knew it was impossible that he knew about what had happened but something in my head prodded my over-active imagination, implanting the thought that he did somehow know. As an overthinker, I naturally wondered if I should tell him what happened. He had made it happen. He was the other piece of the puzzle. Or was the whole situation so insignificant that even giving it additional thought was silly? I couldn't be sure. What I did become sure of immediately was that Axel forgot about my friend that he had come in with and found me standing in the kitchen area waiting on another martini not long after he had arrived. "Hi. Remember me?" "Of course." "It's good to see you again," he said. "Really?" "Uh, yeah?" "I'm sorry about that." "Sorry about what?" "Everything?" Axel smirked at me. "It's totally fine. No worries." For some reason all I could remember was him telling me that he was going to fuck me until I loved him. It was a funny thought and I had to wonder if he had used that line with every girl he slept with. I wondered if he had already used it on my friend. "Well, I'm going to go smoke." I attempted to excuse myself. "Yeah, let's do that," he agreed. "Okay. Yeah, all right." He followed me to the balcony. The platform was long enough for a dozen people to stand comfortably side-by-side smoking. We had a problem with people chucking the butts onto the street below even though there was a massive bucket of sand to put them out in. That night I didn't care if people were flicking their cigarette butts over the railing, I needed the sweet release of nicotine to calm my nerves first. My hand was shaking as I lit the end of my cigarette because Axel was mirroring practically everything I did down to how I leaned up against the guard rail. "Sorry for just showing up like this but when I heard you were having a party it made me think about you." "Oh... Is that why you came with Whatsername?" Axel chuckled and finally turned his body away from me, boots scraping the cement as he faced out toward the streets. The street lamps cast a sinister orange glow over his already intimidatingly sharp face. "I didn't want to come uninvited so I came as a plus one." "You could have asked to come." "Well, you didn't leave me your phone number or anything." "I'm on social media," I reminded him as though it was obvious. Smirking, he replied, "I'm not." "Oh. Are you sure you're not offended that I took off? Because it seems like you are and I just want to say that I'm really sorry and I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." "There are no feelings to be hurt. Like I said, I was just thinking about you." Nothing he said or did had given me any indication that he was actually indifferent about the situation. He never left my side even as I smoked three consecutive cigarettes in a row and then went back into the kitchen to replenish the drink that I didn't particularly need more of. When we stood in line and waited for the bathroom to free up he took a deep breath and turned to me with a look of smouldering concern knitting his eyebrows together. "Was it bad for you? Because I'm pretty damn sure I made you come. Like a lot." I scoffed in disbelief, "No! Axel... I didn't... It wasn't you at all. I promise. If you must know the truth it was because... Well... Fuck." "What is it?" "Come with me," I requested. Axel followed me to the door of my bedroom which I knocked on before entering. I didn't want to risk walking in on someone giving someone else head. It was just a force of habit. The coast was clear and I opened the door, allowing him to step through first before I entered and closed the door behind me. "All right, what is it?" He asked. "I left and didn't call because I just thought that's what you might want. Also... There's something else." "What? What is it?" "When you... Y'know... Came inside of me. It did something." I watched his eyes snap back and forth as he looked into mine and tried to decipher the message I had just given him. I watched as he quickly came to realize what I meant and I had never seen someone's blood drain from their face so instantaneously. "You don't mean?-" "Yes, I mean-" "I got you?-" "Yes, you got me-" "Fuck, I thought everybody was on the pill now," he pondered aloud like I wasn't standing right there in front of him. "N-Not me." "Shit. I'm sorry. Are you okay?" Axel opened his arms and welcomed me to walk into them which I did and the smell of his chest brought me back to the night we had hooked up. He smoothed his hand over my hair and sighed before kissing the top of my head comfortingly. "I'm fine. Totally fine." "You should have told me." "It was nothing. I mean, not nothing but... I wasn't upset." "That's good." "Are you upset?" I asked, stepping back from our embrace so I could better register his reactions since his words felt misleading. "No, it's just... So you... Did you get it? Fuck," Axel stammered. "Are you still?" "No, I had a... An abortion. It's done." "Well... Okay. That's fine. I know my place and I know that's a you decision and I don't have an opinion on the matter. But I am sorry. I would have helped you out." "How was I supposed to know you would want to help?" His huge green eyes rolled as he scoffed, "uh, you could have asked me." "Well, I... Didn't know how to get a hold of you." "Come on, you can't tell me that you and all of your hundreds of girlfriends don't have a network of amateur investigative shit. You could have tracked me down somehow if you really wanted to." "See..." I said quietly. "You are upset." "No!" He exclaimed but then dropped his tone, hovering above a whisper. "No... I'm not. I'm just sorry is all." "Don't be. I should have been more careful." "Me too." Axel closed the gap that I had put between us but this time I was the one who opened my arms for him to step into. It felt strange to be hugging someone I didn't know but at the same time, his scent brought back the memory I had of us having drunken, raunchy, coke-fueled sex. The feeling of his torso against mine was foreign yet I remembered so clearly what it felt like to have my arms around his body. I felt like a little girl against his frame. I breathed in his scent deeply and I knew that I was going to make the same bad decision again. He only pulled away so that he could duck down lower to kiss me and soon he had his hands through my hair, tilting my face for a better angle. His lips smothered mine and I could feel him breathing through his nose, inhaling as much of my face as he possibly could while I toyed with getting his belt undone. The next thing I knew after he had pulled off my top and threw up my skirt was laying on my bed, face down, ass up like a cat in heat. Axel stood back for a moment just to admire what he saw before shoving his pants down to his ankles. When he got up on the bed it moaned beneath his weight much like I did as he carefully slid his hard cock into me for the second time, unprotected even though we had just finished telling each other about how we should both be more careful. Axel leaned over me, throbbing and one hundred percent enveloped in my hot wetness and said, "I'm going to fucking put a baby right back inside you, little slut, hold still."

[drtanstravels]

On Friday night we are getting away for Chinese New Year by traveling to Colombo, Sri Lanka. While we’re there we will also head to Galle for a couple nights where some of our other friends, Tom and Leonie, also happen to be staying, before we spend a last night in Colombo before we head back to Singapore on Wednesday morning. I’ll be writing about that trip when I get back, however, anyone who reads it may realise that I’m wearing sunglasses in some of the photos, something I never do, but why? — Because I have a bunch of stitches and a black eye. Well, here’s how it all happened…

On the night of Tuesday, January 29 I just couldn’t sleep for several reasons; some nights I just can’t sleep due to my medication, but nights in Singapore are usually a minimum of 25°C (77°F) and we had also forgotten until we went to bed, which was about midnight, to turn the air-conditioning on. Anna was hot and kicked the blanket to my side and soon fell asleep, but as our room got cooler she yanked on the blanket like our dog tugs on its leash, almost every time occurring as I was just beginning to drift off, and she also moved right over close to me on my side of the bed. On top of this, she was having crazy dreams and talking constantly in her sleep. This continued until about 6:00am when I finally snapped and gave her as much blanket as I could and told her what the problem was. We were both then satisfied, however, our upstairs neighbour was now awake and making a fair bit of noise, something I never usually hear, but I eventually finally fell asleep.

I woke up later on Wednesday morning feeling quite relaxed, but with a really sticky face for some reason. No, it wasn’t that, but it soon occurred to me that I was laying on the floor in a pool of my own blood so I examined my body and then got up to take a look in the bathroom mirror. As I was getting up I realised there was quite a fair bit of blood coagulating on the floor and saw in my reflection a lot surrounding a decent-sized gash just above my left eye. I figured I had better get to Latrobe Regional Hospital, but I wasn’t sure how to get there since it had moved. The main problems with that plan were that the hospital was in my hometown of Traralgon in Victoria, Australia, a place that I hadn’t lived in 20 years, but also the fact that the Latrobe Regional Hospital moved to its current location back in the middle of 2008, 21 years ago and while I was still residing there! When this occured to me I also realised that I had no idea what day it even was. Best to message Anna:

Not a bad effort considering I was still a bit groggy.

Anna was already planning on coming home for lunch after she had finished her work in the morning so while I was waiting for her I cleaned up my cut as best as I could and also wiped up all the blood off the bedroom floor. Things were beginning to get a bit clearer and I soon realised I must’ve had an epileptic seizure while sleeping close to the edge of the bed, hence why it caused me to fall out. Before long Anna had arrived home from work looking quite concerned, but it all appeared worse than it really was. Our cleaner was coming that afternoon, which meant we had to take our dog to the people who mind it for us and that is on the way to Singapore General Hospital so I had a Panadol, took a shower to wash all of the blood out of my hair, donned some clothes, and we were on our way.

After I cleaned up. I don’t do things by halves

We began walking in the general direction of the hospital, which is only a short walk from our apartment, but I think Anna forgot how slowly I walk after a seizure. I was still holding a tissue over my head while I walked and Anna was rapidly gaining distance on me with the dog. It was also around lunchtime too, so a lot of the people who were outside, eating, probably thought that a giant white guy must’ve been punched in the head by his wife as she stormed off with his dog, at least that’s how it appeared. You go, girl! Actually, she was just trying to get me to the hospital quickly and I simply couldn’t keep up. Anna’s work has been rather quiet due to a lot of people not wanting to get procedures done over Chinese New Year, but to be honest, it wasn’t too busy outside when we registered, either. Anna had to go back to her work at the Singapore National Eye Centre, but she wasn’t going to be too long so I was placed in wheelchair and taken around the back to where the emergency procedures are done and placed on a trolley. Any regular readers of this blog would probably be aware that I’m terrified of anything medical so it wasn’t a fun place to be — It was full of frail, elderly people, some that looked as if they were on their last legs, including a nearby old lady who kept moaning that sounded like the “baa” sound a sheep makes. I was still extremely tired, as I always am after a seizure, so instead of panicking about the fact I was surrounded by what appeared to be a bunch of dying people, I decided to catch a nap, occasionally kicking staff who walked past with my feet which were hanging a fair way off the end of the trolley.

I was later awoken by a rather large male nurse to take my blood pressure. “Your heart-rate is really low,” he said. “Are you an athlete or something?” “Quite the opposite, actually,” I replied. “I just woke up.” I managed to drift off back to sleep again before a female doctor who was aware of my situation came over to take my blood pressure again and ask some questions about other possible health problems. I mentioned that I had a VSD, she gave me a stunned look, especially at my size, and then listened to my heart. “Oh yeah, I can hear it.” She then saw the tattoo of the plastic chair on my arm, referred to it as a “funeral chair” before looking further down my arm and saying “You also have a dupuytren,” in reference to my pinky finger. I explained to her that I broke it playing basketball, but didn’t do anything about it because I didn’t realise it was broken. She then gave me a horrified look and left.

Soon it was time to get stitched up so a consultant, a grey-haired British guy, came over with the previous doctor and asked me a few extra questions, checked my vision, as well as my extremities. Anna thought I might need scans to see if I had a concussion, but I was fine, I didn’t even have a headache. All I was wondering was if this would jeopardise our trip to Sri Lanka. “Oh, you’ll be fine as long as you don’t go SCUBA diving or mining for saphires,” the consultant said. “Cool,” I replied. “I can’t go SCUBA diving anyway because I had grommets in my ears as a child.” The consultant smiled and nodded, while the female doctor looked on in shock and added grommets to the list. I was soon wheeled into a theatre to get my stitches and it became clear to me that Singaporeans in a crowded hospital act no differently to out on the street; they do not get out of the way or make room for anything coming and love chatting in doorways! As I was getting rolled through, people saw me coming, but it didn’t even cross their collective minds to move, some getting kicked by my overhanging legs. Okay, to be fair one or two made a casual half-step to the side, but the consultant still had to ask several times for them to move out of the doorway so we could go to the theatre. Once in I received my stitches, the consultant training a nurse on the procedure and humming all the while. That actually made me feel a little relaxed. Anyway, here’s the end result:

I look like a drag-queen who has already begun knocking off for the night

Fabulous!

When I was out Anna said I could borrow her makeup to even up the other side. Thanks. Next we just had to get some antibiotic cream for it and after five hours in the hospital we were on our way home.

Today I feel fine, but there was a lot more swelling than I expected. When I woke I couldn’t open my left eye so I thought I must’ve had a stroke. Nope, just swollen, I looked like Sarah Huckabee-Sanders putting her face on on the morning:

I just look a bit happier…

…than Ms. Sanders

Nothing to worry about, a bit of ice for a couple of hours sorted that out. Anyway, thanks to all of the doctors, nurses, and consultants at Singapore General Hospital, I really appreciate your help!

Now bring on Sri Lanka!

Here’s Why I’ll be Wearing Sunglasses for a While On Friday night we are getting away for Chinese New Year by traveling to Colombo, Sri Lanka.

[ill-skillsgard]

Bad Decisions - Axel Cluney

Title: Bad Decisions

Description: It's hard to learn from your mistakes when the mistake is six foot four, covered in tattoos and tracks you down at your own party

Warning: 18+ Mentions of sex/swearing/drugs/pregnancy & abortion

"There are no feelings to be hurt."

After my procedure, I didn't feel different like I thought I might. I didn't feel different about myself or him. I didn't even feel all that bad either. Even after I was pushed out of the sliding hospital doors in a wheelchair, I felt like it was just a necessary part of it all. I had to humor the hospital staff by sitting down in the chair even though I didn't feel lethargic or dizzy. It was all just part of the experience.

I had a couple of days off which I took to reflect upon my life choices but the harder I thought about it the more I realized that I really didn't care about getting myself into a less-than-desirable situation. I had it fixed and I was quickly back to my normal self.

The only person I told about it was my mom and she had only a moment of reproach before she settled down and told me that I was making the right choice by ridding myself of a life-long problem. Sighing with relief, I thanked her for understanding and she even offered to take me to my appointment and bring me back home afterward to make sure I was comfortable and not alone.

"Does he know?" She asked me, eyes trained to the road in front of her.

"No."

"Oh."

"Why? You think I should tell him?"

"That depends," She told me. "Are you planning on seeing him again?"

"I don't know. Probably not."

It had been two months since I hooked up with Axel. We had met at a mutual friend's party and hit it off and after a few too many drinks we went back to his place for a drunken hookup. It could have been the excess of vodka or just the right amount of cocaine but we went at it all night and once he passed out beside me, a sweaty, spent mess, I laid there in his bed with cum dripping out of me. The slick stickiness acted as a reminder that I was good at making bad decisions.

The next morning I woke up feeling like I had slept outside in a dumpster and looked it too. I had clumps of eye makeup running down my cheeks and my hair was mussed from when Axel had twisted his hand through it and used the strands like a reign to pull me back into him while he pounded into me, growling abhorrent things like, "I'm going to fuck you until you love me."

Axel was in the shower or so I assumed by the sound of running water coming from behind a closed door. I rummaged around for my cell phone so I could use the screen to get a better look at myself. I digressed that if he or anyone were to see me in that state it would be off-putting and not at all pleasant. So I gathered my things and left without saying a word to him.

He never reached out to me at all so I suspected that me fleeing the scene came as a welcome surprise to him. I wasn't sure though because I didn't know him at all. All I knew was that he had bad tattoos, hung around with people like me and my friends and had a nasty mouth on him.

I didn't know that he had gotten me pregnant until about a month after I fucked him. By the time I begged for and got my appointment, another few weeks passed and the more time I spent thinking about some guy's illegitimate child forming inside of my body the more I panicked.

Not without relief, I couldn't really stop thinking about it even as days passed and I went back to normal. When I got my first regular period I stopped fretting about it so much and it started to become more of an unpleasant memory rather than a present reality.

No, I didn't expect to see him ever again and I could live with that. However, the universe had this way of dredging up past bad decisions and shoving it in my face like a bully trying to force me to eat dirt.

I had a party in my flat for my friend's birthday. There were going to be people coming that I didn't quite know but I had offered up my place as the venue anyway as I often did for my friends. My apartment was smack in the middle of downtown and was a convenient spot for people to flutter off to bars or restaurants for late-night snacks. It was a nice central haven to have casual drinks.

Sometimes though, it became a madhouse. I was never in charge of parties nor was I the greatest host so if things ever got out of hand, I looked to the friend whose birthday it was to handle the mess. I couldn't be sure if people were doing drugs off my bathroom sink or fucking in my food pantry.  I also didn't really care as long as my belongings were respected.

It was one of those nights and I stood in the middle of my flat sipping my fourth martini. People often came by and said hello to me or stopped to tell me about their new rescue dog or the screenplay they were working on and I liked that. I was a hub for pleasant small talk and I didn't have to do much but stand there existing.

A friend of mine from college came in through the front door and brought somebody with her. Somebody I quickly recognized as Axel. They were holding hands and my chest contracted and released the chemicals of shock into my bloodstream, causing me to prickle, nerves excited but not in a good way.

Axel saw me too and the only reason I could tell was that his two eyes were the most noticeable things in the room. The way they just shot daggers in any direction was alarming. Not only that but he towered over most with his square shoulders and intense Scandinavian facial structure. It was hard not to let the eyes follow him.

I remained in my stance, thankful for when a friend came up to me to ask a question. I pushed all of my attention onto her and engaged in extended conversation quickly for an effective distraction from the awkward tension I was feeling.

I knew it was impossible that he knew about what had happened but something in my head prodded my over-active imagination, implanting the thought that he did somehow know. As an overthinker, I naturally wondered if I should tell him what happened. He had made it happen. He was the other piece of the puzzle. Or was the whole situation so insignificant that even giving it additional thought was silly? I couldn't be sure.

What I did become sure of immediately was that Axel forgot about my friend that he had come in with and found me standing in the kitchen area waiting on another martini not long after he had arrived.

"Hi. Remember me?"

"Of course."

"It's good to see you again," he said.

"Really?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"I'm sorry about that."

"Sorry about what?"

"Everything?"

Axel smirked at me. "It's totally fine. No worries."

For some reason all I could remember was him telling me that he was going to fuck me until I loved him. It was a funny thought and I had to wonder if he had used that line with every girl he slept with. I wondered if he had already used it on my friend.

"Well, I'm going to go smoke." I attempted to excuse myself.

"Yeah, let's do that," he agreed.

"Okay. Yeah, alright."

He followed me to the balcony. The platform was long enough for a dozen people to stand comfortably side-by-side smoking. We had a problem with people chucking the butts onto the street below even though there was a massive bucket of sand to put them out in. That night I didn't care if people were flicking their cigarette butts over the railing, I needed the sweet release of nicotine to calm my nerves first.

My hand was shaking as I lit the end of my cigarette because Axel was mirroring practically everything I did down to how I leaned up against the guardrail.

"Sorry for just showing up like this but when I heard you were having a party it made me think about you."

"Oh... Is that why you came with Whatsername?"

Axel chuckled and finally turned his body away from me, boots scraping the cement as he faced out toward the streets. The street lamps cast a sinister orange glow over his already intimidatingly sharp face.

"I didn't want to come uninvited so I came as a plus one."

"You could have asked to come."

"Well, you didn't leave me your phone number or anything."

"I'm on social media," I reminded him as though it was obvious.

Smirking, he replied, "I'm not."

"Oh. Are you sure you're not offended that I took off? Because it seems like you are and I just want to say that I'm really sorry and I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"There are no feelings to be hurt. Like I said, I was just thinking about you."

Nothing he said or did gave me any indication that he was actually indifferent about the situation. He never left my side even as I smoked three consecutive cigarettes in a row and then went back into the kitchen to replenish the drink that I didn't particularly need more of.

When we stood in line and waited for the bathroom to free up he took a deep breath and turned to me with a look of smoldering concern knitting his eyebrows together.

"Was it bad for you? Because I'm pretty damn sure I made you come. Like a lot."

I scoffed in disbelief, "No! Axel... I didn't... It wasn't you at all. I promise. If you must know the truth it was because... Well... Fuck."

"What is it?"

"Come with me," I requested.

Axel followed me to the door of my bedroom which I knocked on before entering. I didn't want to risk walking in on someone giving someone else head. It was just a force of habit. The coast was clear and I opened the door, allowing him to step through first before I entered and closed the door behind me.

"Alright, what is it?" He asked.

"I left and didn't call because I just thought that's what you might want. Also... There's something else."

"What? What is it?"

"When you... Y'know... Came inside of me. It did something."

I watched his eyes snap back and forth as he looked into mine and tried to decipher the message I had just given him. I watched as he quickly came to realize what I meant and I had never seen someone's blood drain from their face so instantaneously.

"You don't mean?-"

"Yes, I mean-"

"I got you?-"

"Yes, you got me-"

"Fuck, I thought everybody was on the pill now," he pondered aloud like I wasn't standing right there in front of him.

"N-Not me."

"Shit. I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

Axel opened his arms and welcomed me to walk into them which I did and the smell of his chest brought me back to the night we had hooked up. He smoothed his hand over my hair and sighed before kissing the top of my head comfortingly.

"I'm fine. Totally fine."

"You should have told me."

"It was nothing. I mean, not nothing but... I wasn't upset."

"That's good."

"Are you upset?" I asked, stepping back from our embrace so I could better register his reactions since his words felt misleading.

"No, it's just... So you... Did you get it? Fuck," Axel stammered. "Are you still?"

"No, I had a... An abortion. It's done."

"Well... Okay. That's fine. I know my place and I know that's a you decision and I don't have an opinion on the matter. But I am sorry. I would have helped you out."

"How was I supposed to know you would want to help?" His huge green eyes rolled as he scoffed, "uh, you could have asked me."

"Well, I... Didn't know how to get a hold of you."

"Come on, you can't tell me that you and all of your hundreds of girlfriends don't have a network of amateur investigative shit. You could have tracked me down somehow if you really wanted to."

"See..." I said quietly. "You are upset."

"No!" He exclaimed but then dropped his tone, hovering above a whisper. "No... I'm not. I'm just sorry is all."

"Don't be. I should have been more careful."

"Me too."

Axel closed the gap that I had put between us but this time I was the one who opened my arms for him to step into. It felt strange to be hugging someone I didn't know but at the same time, his scent brought back the memory I had of us having drunken, raunchy, coke-fueled sex. The feeling of his torso against mine was foreign yet I remembered so clearly what it felt like to have my arms around his body. I felt like a little girl against his frame. I breathed in his scent deeply and I knew that I was going to make the same bad decision again.

He only pulled away so that he could duck down lower to kiss me and soon he had his hands through my hair, tilting my face for a better angle. His lips smothered mine and I could feel him breathing through his nose, inhaling as much of my face as he possibly could while I toyed with getting his belt undone.

The next thing I knew after he had pulled off my top and threw up my skirt was laying on my bed, face down, ass up like a cat in heat. Axel stood back for a moment just to admire what he saw before shoving his pants down to his ankles. When he got up on the bed it moaned beneath his weight much like I did as he carefully slid his hard cock into me for the second time, unprotected even though we had just finished telling each other about how we should both be more careful.

Axel leaned over me, throbbing and one hundred percent enveloped in my hot wetness and said, "I'm going to fucking put a baby right back inside you, little slut, hold still."