#I find it much easier when I'm entirely alone for some reason

[loquemevengaalamente]

I envy just how easy my brother can just strike a conversation with just about anyone. I swear all those random strangers love him in just a minute interaction and sometimes would gift him stuff.

He's like a video game protag talking with every npc that crosses his path to get info or free items wtf.

I wish i had that ability... It would be so useful to talk to the women I've been attracted to but never quite approached cause of being afraid of seeming like a predatory lesbian or smth.

[neptuneiris]

sparks (04/04)

But I promise you this I'll always look out for you

pairing: business-boyfriend!aemond x fem!reader

summary: at the beginning your relationship with aemond is perfect and there were no worries. until he becomes the Heir of his father's company, the most important in the whole country and certain events and certain people start to interfere in the relationship.

word count: 9.0k

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now yes, the epilogue is officially coming soon haha

hello loves! hope you are having a wonderful day!

I made an announcement about the change in the story so if for some reason you didn't read it, don't worry, here I will explain again what happened:)

the reason why I decided to add a part 4 to the fic is very simple: the chapter was too long for the epilogue and when I say too long I mean really long. and I didn't want to bore you or fill you with too much, believe me that the epilogue was exaggeratedly long:(

I'm sorry if it wasn't what you expected, but I decided the best and I really hope you like it a lot, after all it's not the end yet😚

that's all, I won't keep you any longer, enjoy!

Aemond Targaryen had never felt so miserable in his life.

The trip to Casterly Rock was one of the most important in his entire working career and yet it was the worst trip he had ever attended in his life.

His mind would not leave him alone and the urge to cry along with the anxiety and desperation he felt was too much. And it was so much that he couldn't control it.

But outside of that, he didn't care too much about the event, socializing and having conversations with other important businessmen, as if it wasn't something he did every day, nor did he attend to the press which was what he avoided the most nor did he care about Larys Strong and Alys Rivers.

He honestly didn't care about anything.

At least nothing outside of the important thing that was his meeting with his partner Jason Lannister and attending his conference with the board of directors.

He didn't care that this would later lead to 'serious consequences,' if you could call it that, with his grandsire.

Even after he caught up again with Jason Lannister and properly attended the conference with the board of directors, as soon as it was all over, he took his flight back to King's Landing in a needy and desperate manner.

And the first thing he did after landing was to look for you and try to talk to you. Although he must have known that you would not let him find you.

Your university is extremely large and although he tried to find you by asking the administration and coordination of your university for your varied schedule, they did not give him anything, as they cannot give out their students' personal and private information so openly to strangers.

They only do so on occasions that require it and are extremely necessary with hard evidence, such as to a family member of the student for an emergency or something like that.

And Aemond honestly didn't blame them, as he looked extremely desperate and like a madman, especially when they told him they couldn't give him that information.

So he went to your work, where he knew it would be easier to find you, but again… he was unsuccessful because you wouldn't let him.

"Uhm… I'm sorry, but she's not here."

Your coworker told him and judging by her face, he knew instantly that she was lying, especially by the pitiful face she was giving him amidst the assurance she wants to create by saying her words.

"Please, just tell her I need to talk to her," he tells her pleadingly, feeling like he will burst into tears at any second.

She lets out a long breath, as she looks away from his gaze for a moment, looking hesitant, nervous and even watching him with pity.

"I'm really sorry but… she hasn't presented for days now and I haven't really seen her."

"But I need to talk to her as soon as possible," he insists, sad and still with a hint of hope that he can fix this, "Do you know where I could find her after her classes and work?"

"I-I…" she starts to say nervously, biting her lips, then completely avoiding eye contact with him "I'm sorry but I don't know. Like I said, I haven't seen her, so I'm not aware of her plans after work."

He takes a deep breath, as he runs a hand through his hair and also over his face, feeling his heart beating too fast, losing patience, losing hope, feeling completely desperate and frustrated.

"Please," he begs, not knowing what else to do, "Please tell me. I really need to see her and talk to her. I'm worried."

Sophia, not knowing what else to say, can't help but feel uncomfortable and again averts her gaze from his.

"I'm sorry but I haven't seen her and I really don't know where she might be."

Aemond watches her for a few seconds without saying anything else even with his sad and desperate face, understanding perfectly that he wouldn't get anything from her about you.

He sees how she is more than willing to keep lying for you and even though he feels completely desperate and frustrated, he knows it's not her fault, so he decides not to push her too hard.

So he took a deep breath and tried to sound calmer.

"Okay, I understand, thank you," he says resignedly, "But if you see her, please tell her that I came looking for her and needed to talk to her," he tells her one last time, "Tell her to please consider it."

And Sophie nods with a sympathetic nod, still watching him with that pity.

"Sure, I will."

And he nods back.

"Thank you."

That time Aemond came out of the coffee shop completely disappointed, having the foolish hope that you would come out of hiding and stop him after the little show he gave to your coworker completely sad and desperate.

But of course, that didn't happen.

Upon returning to the apartment, nothing felt the same anymore. Aemond now all he feels now is a deep loneliness and sadness that eats him alive inside as he finds himself alone in that place, a place that was once home to him and you, where you both started a little life together as a couple.

With loneliness in his chest and in the middle of the apartment, he sees everything around him with his melancholic eye and face.

Everything now felt like a painful reminder of what he had lost.

The place is completely permeated with memories where every room and corner tells a story of his relationship with you.

The cushions on the couch where you used to cuddle and watch movies together, the kitchen island where you shared with each other your day to day separately and the kitchen where you made food or washed dishes together, laughing and talking about anything.

Aemond then goes to the bedroom, where he now sees your empty desk where there is no longer your laptop, your lamp and all those pens and markers with which you used to make notes for your classes, nor the various sheets and folders with which you used to do your projects and research.

So he understands why you decided to leave him, because even though it was never intentional and the least he wanted to do was hurt you, he still did.

Your vanity is also completely empty, where so many times you spent hours doing your makeup happy and energetic singing your favorite songs.

And other nights you would remove your makeup crying for him and because he never put a serious stop to his work by standing you up.

And as he looks at the bed, only the memories invade him more, beginning to feel his eye watering.

The two of you cuddling, him taking refuge in your arms after a stressful day at his job or you taking refuge in his arms after a stressful day at college. Also before bedtime, the two of you would talk about anything silly until you fell asleep, where the moment felt more intimate than anywhere else.

And Aemond loved those moments, as did you, where you both shared space on the comfort of your bed.

Aemond then wanting to return to the living room, he stops in the middle of the hallway looking at the door with a serious and at the same time pained expression, where he also remembers that day when you were here and he was at the entrance waiting for Cole, where everything happened.

But it's also where you both made love and showed that love to each other with that passion, with that affection and with that deep intimacy of just the two of you that was nothing ordinary or common.

You were just two people in love loving and enjoying each other with that complicity and that unique union that characterized them.

Letting out a huge breath, he then plops down on the couch, staring at a spot in the living room in silence, feeling completely alone and hopeless.

And he hates it.

He absolutely hates the feeling.

Just as he hates the feeling of emptiness in his heart that seems impossible to fill. Because he knows it can never be filled by anyone else. Only you.

And that's when Aemond starts to really break down, realization and acceptance slowly creeping into his mind, eating him alive, destroying him, leaving him with nothing.

Until it happens and in the midst of his silence and loneliness, he starts to cry without being able to help it anymore.

He hates everything, his job, his grandsire, the association with Alys Rivers, the press, absolutely everything and also himself, for letting you slip through his fingers and not doing anything more efficient from the beginning to avoid the breakup.

Because if he had, you would still be with him.

It's only until Aemond really feels miserable and like he can't breathe that he decides to call the only person who can get to him sooner, really not wanting to be alone, needing someone to be able to reassure him.

So he calls the one person he thinks might be able to help him and reassure him.

He would have called you, of that there is no doubt, you would be his first choice, but you have blocked him from everywhere, from every social media, calls and messages.

He would have called Hel too, but she's in Highgarden, Hells, he would have even called Aegon, but he's in Storm Ends.

"Yes, Aemond?"

Rhaenyra Targaryen answers on the other end of the call, and Aemond really can't formulate coherent sentences for every sob.

He tells her your name, that he can't find you, that you've blocked him from everywhere, he mentions his grandsire, the company, loneliness, sadness and that it all happened too fast, that he needs her and doesn't know what to do.

And soon after that Aemond says he doesn't want to be there anymore, so they both leave the apartment and with every step he takes away from the place that used to be a home for him, he feels an increasingly heavier weight than before in his heart.

Soon Rhaenyra arrives at the apartment to help her half brother, not asking him anything about what has him like this while he continues to cry and holds her hand tightly.

Rather Rhaenyra tries to reassure him by telling him that she is there for him.

It is only a matter of time before his entire family knows of his breakup with you, instantly Hel calling him, as does Aegon, Hel being the more surprised and incredulous of the two, wanting to know what has happened.

Since Aemond has no vacation and can't afford to miss work with a few extremely important and one hundred percent justifiable exceptions, he soon finds himself setting foot inside the building.

Though they both know, as does their whole family, that it was because of their grandsire and everything to do with the company, also because of Alys Rivers.

And they are not surprised when Aemond implies he had something to do with it, not saying anything else, clearly because he doesn't want to talk about it.

All his workers notice the down and serious mood of the next boss, as it is also noticeable that he doesn't want to talk to anyone and doesn't want anyone to talk to him more than necessary, so he just locks himself in his office to continue with his work.

But as soon as he starts his work day, inevitably having that hope by looking at his phone screen from time to time that you will call or text him, Eleanor calls him and warns him that he has a meeting in ten minutes with his grandsire.

This makes his mood worse, even though he knew it would only be a matter of time, but he reluctantly gets up and heads for the conference room.

And the moment Otto enters the room, clearly with his annoyed and frustrated face, the whole place fills with tension. And when Otto makes it clear to him that he is not happy at all, still Aemond maintains an emotionless and indifferent face.

"I can't believe how irresponsible you're being, truly."

Otto begins to say with incredulous surprise and a frown on his face, watching him completely annoyed.

"I asked you for one, just one thing on your trip to Casterly Rock."

"The only important thing on that trip was to attend my meeting with Jason Lannister and also the conference with the board of directors, in both of which I did perfectly well," Aemond says still completely indifferent.

"Don't you want to play dumb with me, Aemond," he warns him through his teeth, "You know perfectly well what I'm talking about."

"Look, I'm not in the mood for this right now—

"And you think I am?" he inquires instantly, "You think I'm not tired of telling you the same old thing over and over again?" he says annoyed, "Wasn't I clear with you when I told you I didn't want Rivers to cause a scene for me again because of you and what's the first thing she does when she comes back from that trip?"

"For fuck's sake, you close your fucking contract with her!"

Explodes Aemond annoyed against him without being able to control himself anymore, tired and annoyed of him, but of course Otto also responds in the same way.

"No, this is your job! She wants you, not me! And now that you're finally done with Y/N, you can do something about it, something more than necessary, but you do nothing!"

Then again something inside Aemond snaps at the mention of your name and the breakup, leaving him completely silent and watching his grandsire with his parted lips.

Everything in his mind is still fresh, his emotions are still running high and that he has mentioned the breakup as a good thing so that he can finally whore himself out to Alys without any guilt and restraint, as his grandsire has asked him to do, only makes his gaze turn dark and one of complete anger towards him.

And Otto, as he is looking him straight in the eye, notices that change within him and in his gaze, but he doesn't move, doesn't flinch, and continues firm.

"So you know."

Aemond says in a low but firm tone, watching him intently and without even blinking, even with that dark and determined look, making Otto watch him silently for a moment, then swallowing hard and finally speaking.

"Of course I know. Just because I'm not home much, doesn't mean I'm not informed of what's going on with my family."

"And you're happy now?"

He inquires him really without much emotion, with an incredibly calm and soft tone of voice that surprises Otto, while now Aemond's gaze reflects the slight pain, watching him completely attentively, being strong and as much as he can in front of him, clenching his jaw.

And Otto says nothing, just watches him, which Aemond considers him a coward, as what he wanted so badly has finally happened and he says nothing.

"I bet you do," he answers her question for him, watching him bitterly.

Otto lets out a long breath.

"Look, I know you cared about her, and I feel sorry for you, but the company—

"No, that's not true, you don't feel the slightest bit sorry for me," he interrupts him with a disinterested tone, "She broke up with me because of you, but also because of me. And I'm sure when you found out, you were so pleased and had more hope that I would finally do something about Rivers and the association," he says dispassionately.

"Aemond, I'm just asking you to be professional and fulfill your obligations as heir to this company. I'm asking you because I care about you and because you can't get stuck thinking about a girl, instead of your job, your company."

"Don't mention her," he tells her instantly serious and with a threatening tone and look, "I don't want you to talk about her, ever again."

Otto lets out a long breath.

"Rivers has given us a warning and a deadline for you to convince her to sign those papers. She's already upset and unpleasant enough thanks to you," he tells him seriously, "This whole process has gone on long enough, so either you act now or we lose her forever. And we're not going to have the conversation again about why it's important to partner with her company, are we?"

Aemond looks away from him, completely pissed off and annoyed, and then gets up from the swivel chair, intending to finally get the fuck out of here.

"I'm talking to you."

Otto tells him in a higher tone of voice, watching him seriously.

"Yes and I've heard enough."

"You will do as I have told you and you will do it now," he warns him.

Aemond scowls at him, then puts on an annoyed and more threatening face than before, placing his hands on the very expensive refined wooden table then leaning towards him as well with his threatening posture.

"You're not going to order me around anymore."

"Aemond, do you really want to force me to do something I don't really want to?"

"Don't worry, I know you really do want to and I honestly don't care. But believe me it wouldn't be good for you, after all… I remind you that you're forgetting your place."

The fight and silence builds the tension further, as Otto and Aemond stare menacingly and defiantly at each other, each with their differences being more than clear, when suddenly the door to the conferences bursts open.

This breaks all the tension and also draws the attention of both of them, who look towards the door and under the doorway stands Rhaenyra, whom Otto observes slightly surprised and completely confused.

"Sorry to interrupt," she says as she places a soft smile, "I hope it's not something important."

Aemond turns his gaze back to his grandsire for a moment with his jaw clenched, who continues to stare at Rhaenyra confused and this time with a questioning look, showing his annoyance at the sight of her.

"No, we were done," Aemond makes clear, his voice in a serious and low tone, to turn his gaze back to her.

"And what are you doing here?"

Otto inquires Rhaenyra, who is not surprised by his attitude towards her, as she is used to it and doesn't really care.

"I came to speak with Aemond," she says then turns her gaze to her half-brother, "Your secretary told me you were here and I thought maybe you could talk to me, if you're not busy."

He nods in her direction.

"Sure," and she nods back, waiting for him as well.

But Aemond turns his gaze to his grandsire, who also looks back at him, confused and questioning to see that in his gaze he still intends to fight him with his threatening posture.

Again they both stare at each other, where Otto stares at him completely serious without saying anything and Aemond continues threatening, completely serious.

"If you pay someone to notify all the press and all the media anonymously of my breakup with Y/N or tell only Rivers to take advantage of me, believe me I will publicly announce and tarnish your image about how you tried to whore me out to Rivers with proof."

He threatens and Otto gasps for a moment.

"And i will tell worse, that she was also seeking an intimate relationship with me, a woman who has almost my twenty years on me."

And without saying anything else, Aemond leaves the room together with Rhaenyra without waiting and without hearing any answer back from his grandsire, for the first time in a long time having won the fight and leaving him completely speechless.

"What? You thought I didn't know?" he asks, "She doesn't say her age and she doesn't look nearly forty, but she is, so we don't want any of that, do we?"

He observes him expectantly,

"It will be a disastrous scandal. And it won't be good for her, nor for you and the company. I also know it won't be good for me, my mother, my siblings or my entire family. But I will do it if you leave me no choice and I won't give a fuck, because it will all have been your fault," he makes it clear.

At that moment he feels liberated and empowered, as he has finally left him in his place and has not done what he always ordered her to do, while he experiences a sense of relief and renewed self-confidence.

But unfortunately, that feeling doesn't last forever. Or at least it doesn't last once he's outside the company walls.

And that's because he's still thinking and longing for you.

He tried a few more times to try to find you, asking all the people he and you have in common where you might be or where you live now saying he needed to talk to you, but no one would give him an answer, making him miserable.

Even at work, he couldn't concentrate, because all the time he was thinking about you and if he could do his work, it was all thanks to Eleonor, who would notice his tired face and the bags under his eyes, as well as notice how hard he was trying.

She would see him drinking coffee more than usual and it worried her, but knowing how stubborn he is, she knew there was nothing she could do.

And once he got home, no one knew the sadness and loneliness that consumed him completely.

Even sometimes when he couldn't sleep, he kept looking at the selfie of you and him on his phone screen that he hasn't taken down, both of you smiling and more than happy, instantly feeling the pain in his chest and the tears about to run down his cheek.

It's going on a month since you decided to end the relationship but Aemond is still haunted by the moments you both shared and the 'what ifs' that haunt his mind.

Every day, the pain of the breakup seems to increase rather than decrease. At every moment of distraction, also at work or doing the most ordinary thing in life, like making a coffee, Aemond gets lost in his thoughts, remembering you.

And in every memory, he blames himself for what had gone wrong, thinking of all the ways he could have acted differently and done more for both of you, for you.

And he couldn't accept that he would simply never see you again, that it was all over, he needs you and he needs you so badly every time he starts crying and blaming himself at the same time.

He feels completely trapped in the memory of what the relationship was and feels unable to get over you, the woman who had and still means everything to him.

It is not until Rhaenyra and her mother began to notice Aemond's instability and begin to worry about him that even Helaena decides to fly to King's Landing to be there for him, reporting everything to Aegon.

And fortunately Aemond doesn't push her away when she visits him by surprise, telling him that she has come to stay with him as long as necessary.

And he hugs her tightly and cries on her shoulder, asking her not to leave him alone, to please help him recover you, that he needs you, that he understands that everything was his fault but that he deserves at least one more conversation with you.

The people Aemond cares about are there for him, even Rhaenyra, but Helaena is the one who is almost all the time with him at home and also at the company, running the Highgarden company from there, helping him heal at the same time.

Unfortunately you never responded to Helaena's messages, neither to Baela's.

So even though it hurts Helaena to see her brother like this, she knows that you are hurt too, she knows your reasons why you did what you did and she doesn't blame you for it.

But Aemond can't.

And though he doesn't know it and doesn't even think about it, you are just as or worse off than he is, trying just as hard as he is to cope with the breakup, barely being functional in your day to day life and in having enough energy, being completely broken inside.

He is still immensely in love with you and every day that goes by and he doesn't see you or hear from you, it's complete torture.

He even stopped being seen in public and stopped attending events, focusing entirely on the company and nothing else.

It's not until another full month passes that one day, when Aemond wakes up to find Helaena in the kitchen with her face completely pale, her eyes wide open and her lips parted with her phone in hand, she gives him the news that he knew would happen someday but still takes him by surprise.

His father has died.

And he knows what that means, everyone knows.

He is the successor and literally overnight, he is now the boss, officially. And with that begins the real chaos for Aemond Targaryen.

It was a moment he was looking forward to but at the same time not because of the great responsibility that would fall on him, all the great weight.

But first of all, the whole Targaryen family is busy with a funeral and taking an indefinite rest, all of them and him especially hiding from the press and everyone.

1 month later

"So…

Speaks the calculated voice of Alys Rivers with a condescending tone, looking expectantly at Otto Hightower in front of her as she slowly turns in the swivel chair she is sitting in, having her uncle Larys Strong next to her, who in comparison to her is calmer.

"He won't show up?"

She inquires as she fiddles with the pen in her hand, twirling it between her fingers with her perfectly painted dark scarlet fingernails, raising an eyebrow in Otto's direction.

"Of course he will, he knows how important this is to us," he tells her immediately, "It's just that with the death of his father, he and his siblings still need a little more time. It's been very recent still."

"We still mourn the death of Viserys Targaryen," Larys Strong says in a soft tone and Otto nods in his direction.

But Alys is not at all pleased, for months now.

"We've been waiting for almost fifteen minutes."

"Yes, I know, I'm sorry, honestly—

The door suddenly opens, interrupting Otto and drawing the attention of the three in the conference room who turn their heads and see Aemond entering the room unhurriedly and calmly.

"Sorry for the delay," he says as he approaches his place, "I was taking an important call."

Rivers instantly looks at him in a penetrating manner as she continues to fiddle with the pen in her fingers, while his grandsire watches him seriously.

"More important than this?" hisses Otto quietly through his teeth.

And still not caring, he takes a seat to adopt an equally nonchalant posture, looking even annoyed that he has to be in this room with these people, causing Rivers stress and frustration, as well as his grandsire for his attitude and lack of interest.

"Yes."

Aemond replies to him without dissimulation and without caring.

"I don't think you have understood the gravity of the matter, Mrs. Targaryen," Alys Rivers speaks, catching the attention of the three, looking directly at him, "I gave you a deadline to sign the association papers and you still haven't given me one good reason why my company should be associated with yours."

Aemond shrugs, observing her indifferently.

"That my company is the most important, innovative and efficient in the entire country is not reason enough for you?"

"That's not what I meant."

"We're talking about business and what's in the best interest of our companies, aren't we?"

Rivers clenches her jaw.

"I think you know perfectly well that a partnership requires more than that, it's also about building interpersonal relationships."

"As far as I know, you are a co-owner of Riverlands Group and the one who actually founded the company was you, Larys Strong," he observes the man, "You shouldn't decide if you want to sign these papers or not?"

Otto throws daggers at him with his eyes and an utterly deadly stare, but Aemond doesn't even notice, as well as Rivers starts to get annoyed. So before Larys Strong can speak, she speaks first.

"We both work as a team and make decisions together," she tells him instantly, wanting to make it clear.

"You seem to make all the decisions."

"Aemond—

"As far as I know, it's not in your best interest to lose this opportunity to be able to partner with my company," Rivers speaks with a firmer, more serious and determined tone, "And I've been very patient and accessible for months now."

"Also as far as I know, months ago we attended an event together and it was you who announced how proud you were to have a partnership between us in process to everyone, yet you are the one who hasn't signed the papers, so what exactly is it that you need or want from me or the company for you to sign them?"

He dares in asking with a challenging tone and look, watching her completely intently, wanting to know how bold she is, pushing her a little to say or not to say what she really wants from him.

As Otto hides in his chair and holds a hand to his face, not being able to believe this is really happening.

And Rivers looks completely serious and annoyed at Aemond, who starts to look amused by his lack of response. So the next thing he does is point to the contracts on the table in front of him, extending them to both of them.

"So… do we have a deal or not?"

He inquires, not wanting to waste any more time and wanting to get this over with once and for all, watching them expectantly.

Strong and Rivers exchange a glance, where Rivers still has his serious and annoyed look, but also has something else on his mind after fully analyzing this new Aemond now that he is he boss.

So he silently nods in his uncle's direction, making Strong extend his hand to place the papers in front of him to sign them.

But just as his fingertips touch the paper, Aemond abruptly puts them back in front of him, leaving them out of his reach, drawing the attention of all three instantly and more so of his grandsire who already feels completely relieved after so much.

But Aemond's attitude is alarming just then.

"Before you sign, I need to tell you something important."

All three of them frown, especially his grandsire.

"And it can't be after the two finally sign?" he inquires without having the patience for any more of this.

Aemond lets out a long breath, looking at his grandfather and then Rivers directly, wanting to be completely clear with his words.

"I want you to know that in another occasion I would have really appreciated having the opportunity to work with you and partner with your company, I really would," he tells her honestly, "But you never acted the right way, neither did you," he turns to his grandsire to focus back on Rivers, pausing slightly, "So I don't need this association anymore."

Surprise and disbelief completely takes over the three of them, but more so on Rivers and Otto, who exchange confused and puzzled looks.

"Aemond, what are you saying?" his grandsire inquires.

"I'm saying that I don't care and I'm not going to do what you tell me anymore nor am I going to let people like you intrude into my personal life," he then tells Rivers with determination.

Rivers looks at him completely offended.

"Me intruding in your personal life? What are you talking about?"

"I think you know perfectly well what i'm talking about, so since you have nothing more to do here, I'm sorry for wasting too much of your time, but you can go now."

His grandsire looks at him in complete surprise and disbelief.

"Aemond—

"If you think I'm going to sit here and allow this treatment of me by you, you are very wrong, I will not tolerate it for another second," Rivers says, getting up from her chair, annoyed and offended, "You need me but this is your loss. Let's see how long it takes before your company goes bankrupt and you lose everything."

Aemond lets out a bitter laugh.

"No, in fact I don't need you," he makes it clear, amused, "And if I needed you, believe me I wouldn't have partnered with you even as my last option," he tells him decisively, "Do you think you're the only company that has partnerships with Essos? Not only you, but also Rodrik Greyjoy, the owner of the Pike company in the Iron Islands, my new partner".

He says and Otto Hightower looks on in complete surprise, not expecting that at all. And this only causes more anger and indignation in Alys Rivers.

"You're going to regret this," Rivers tells him humiliated and annoyed as she grabs her purse and then heads for the exit with big strides, "And my company is never going to be associated with yours, ever!"

"Have a nice day."

Aemond tells her not forgetting his manners and the doors slam shut with a loud slam that still doesn't completely flinch, then looks at his grandfather who looks like he's going to explode at any moment.

"You can leave too," he tells her nonchalantly, rising from his seat, "I've had enough of this shit. I expect your resignation by tomorrow at the latest."

"My resignation?" he repeats, completely bewildered and surprised.

"Yes, your resignation," he affirms him" "Rhaenyra will now take your place while Daemon is left running Dragonstone."

"W-what…? Aemond, you can't do this! I helped you, I supported you, I broke my back for you, I made you what you are now and I put you where you are!"

"Actually yes I can and in fact I already have," he says dispassionately, heading for the exit, "I'm the boss now."

And even hearing their protests and shouts, he leaves the room with him following, causing a huge scene, but once he makes his way to his office, he slams the door in his face and asks Cole to take him out of here immediately and he instantly complies with his order.

And when Aemond sits in his chair, he lets out a long sigh and closes his eye as he drops his head completely on the backrest, no longer feeling that weight on his shoulders and that tension he felt every day all over his body, finally feeling free, relieved and at peace.

It honestly feels good, after so long.

And he sees the positives of him finally being the boss, as he can now do these kinds of things, things he couldn't do before and finally give him that needed balance to his life and work.

But as soon as he leaves his work space and gets home, he again feels that emptiness in his chest and that sadness, not feeling full and like him, knowing full well that you are missing for his life to finally be perfect.

He wishes he could have done all this with you by his side. He still wants to fix everything between him and you, but you being off his radar, it's just impossible.

And he still loves you too much to use money to try to find out where you are, knowing he couldn't do that to you, the woman he still loves with every fiber of his body and heart.

He still misses you, very much. He wants to have one more reason to be this new person he has become, a better person really.

But he respects your decision, even though he still thinks he deserved more.

That same day he sends a message to Helaena asking her when she will come to King's Landing and if she wants to stay with him at his house and that same day at night he receives a message from Floris Baratheon, a friend he and you have in common, finally things being in his favor.

The moment he so deserved arrives when Floris invites him to a pub in the center of the city to celebrate his birthday. And since he knows you and Floris are close friends, he knows you'll be there.

You thank the driver for dropping you off at your destination after paying him, then you get out of the car, close the door and head towards the entrance of the pub that Floris has chosen to celebrate his birthday.

Today you don't know what's wrong with you, as you suddenly have a very positive mood and attitude that hasn't been seen in you for months, clearly since what happened that day.

But today you have all the willingness to have fun, celebrate with Floris, have a couple of drinks and see what else the night takes you to, you really need it.

So you open the door of the pub to enter, instantly ringing that typical bell that announces a new customer, which draws the attention of some people already inside the place, but you focus on finding Floris and his friends at all the scattered tables.

"Y/N!"

Suddenly someone shouts your name and you turn your head, seeing that it's Floris, calling you from the table they are at and you start to smile, about to head towards all of them, when suddenly, your gaze crosses with a blue eye that you know all too well among all the people at the table.

A blue eye you haven't seen for months.

And your whole world around you fades away.

You freeze completely and a shiver runs down your entire back as you stare at him in shock, attentively and with your lips parted, definitely not expecting to see him, at all.

Your heart starts pounding, your legs turn to jelly and your throat goes dry. You don't know what to do, let alone what to say, you just can't speak or react, nothing.

You don't feel any more that mood of before, that disposition and that attitude, you simply feel like a little girl who wants to hide behind her mother's legs.

The memories of the relationship, the happy moments, the painful moments, everything you went through together comes back to you in an instant. Just as you remember that day, when it all ended, feeling sick to your stomach, suddenly no longer feeling strength in your whole body.

You feel completely trapped in a sea of emotions flooding your mind. The feelings that you had tried to suppress for months, now overwhelm you.

But not only does your whole history with him come back to you, you are also affected by seeing him again physically after so many months because you had not even seen him through a photo on the social media after the breakup.

And to see him now after the passing of his father and that he is now the owner of the most important company in the country, is just more of a surprise for you.

You try not to let the surprise be so noticeable on your face, although you probably already failed at it, seeing now his gorgeous short platinum hair, giving him a completely different air and look, although not in a bad way.

So you assume that those are the reasons why now he has changed. You can't say the same for yourself as he has really changed, physically.

You had never imagined an Aemond with his hair cut short, you never thought about it and now seeing it… it makes you feel a sensation all over your body that you really can't explain.

He looks more… mature and like… an expert in business, which is what he really is. He looks even younger for his age, also more handsome. He looks like a big businessman.

Unable to help yourself, you still can't move, just standing there, clearly affected after seeing your ex-boyfriend again, who Floris immediately jumps to your rescue, while at the same time you see how Aemond says something under his breath to Liam, a friend of his and also yours, to then get up and head towards the bathroom without looking any further in your direction.

You follow him with your gaze, swallowing hard and starting to tremble, while Floris stops in front of you with a small reassuring smile.

"Hey, I'm so happy you came."

She hugs you and you let her, as you really need it and she knows you need it too.

"Easy," she murmurs comfortingly in your ear, "You've got this, take a deep breath."

You blink, as if to clear your thoughts that way, then drop your head defeatedly on her shoulder, inhaling deeply, as she has told you to.

"I'm sorry," she tells you with some pity, feeling your body tense, "The guys mentioned it to him but he said I still wouldn't tell him anything, so in order not to make him feel bad, I decided to invite him too," she tells you sadly.

"No, no, it's okay."

You tell her instantly, turning away to watch her, seeing Floris as your eyes are full of emotions and with effort, you try to nod and understand her, although you really do, since after all, Floris is not only your friend, she is also his friend and you can't blame her, you would never do that.

"I-I… I… I know, I just… I didn't expect it," you confess, trying to compose yourself.

At least he's out of your sight now and that helps a little but still, you know he'll be back soon.

Floris takes your hands gently, offering you his physical support that she hoped would be enough for you in comforting you.

"I know it's all still very fresh in your mind, so if you need to leave, that's fine with me, I'll understand perfectly, don't worry."

"No, no, I mean, yes, it all still feels very fresh but…" you let out a long breath, "Sooner or later it was bound to happen, you know? And it's your birthday!" you exclaim out of nerves, "I-I can't just leave, I-I…" you bite your lips, "Happy birthday, by the way."

Floris smiles.

"Thank you bestie."

You smile back as best you can, still feeling your mind working at full speed, your body feels it more tense than usual and you unconsciously keep on the lookout for him, because he might come back at any second.

You give her the gift you bought for her, then she gives a few words of motivation and finally she leads you with almost everyone to the table.

You greet old friends and also meet other friends of Floris, trying to look calm and relaxed at all times, when in reality, inside you are a bundle of nerves and not calm at all, not at all.

You can see that all your friends… and Aemond's friends too, know that he and you are no longer together, which causes you some discomfort, but for Floris, you decide to face it, him too.

"At any point in the evening you can leave if you need to, really," she reassures you again before you take a seat and you nod in her direction, understanding.

Meanwhile Aemond in the bathroom leans fully into the sink as he breathes through his mouth and closes his eye for a moment, trying to calm himself, letting a sigh escape his lips.

He honestly doesn't understand what has happened to him.

He thought he could, that this is all he's ever wanted so he could have you back with him, but… when he barely laid his eye on you the moment you walked into the place with five meters in front of him, he felt like he was going back to the past.

For all these months, even yesterday, I was waiting for this moment. He was waiting to see you again, to try to talk to you, to try to get you back and now?

He just felt like a scared little boy.

His heart broke into pieces again as he remembered that day, when you decided to break up with him.

And how he felt at that moment, besides the weeks after when he tried to look for you and you wouldn't let him and blocked him from everywhere, he relived it again, feeling every emotion, remembering every tear he shed and all the other pressures he had on him because of his grandsire.

Not to mention the death of his father and his promotion in the company, all in a matter of days, making everything worse.

And although everything is totally different now, he still recognizes that he did not prepare for this moment.

Everything still hurts him, he no longer feels capable, he feels that you will break his heart again, although no more than he broke yours, where he did nothing about it, he only asked for forgiveness, as if that was enough.

Aemond looks at his reflection and tells himself that he must keep calm, keep his posture and not make this any more uncomfortable than it already will be.

But at all times he has this longing in his heart to be able to get you back.

While you now find yourself sitting, having a place at the big table, basically at the other end, away from where he is sitting, trying to calm yourself down from now on, although it is costing you a lot.

And not a moment too soon, Floris places a beer in your hand, murmuring in your ear that your mind needs to stop thinking and worrying too much.

And just as you take a sip, Aemond returns.

You try not to look at him too much, just the same way he tries not to look at you too much as he takes a seat next to Liam again, but unconsciously it's impossible.

The table by the others is full of laughter, while the pub is full of music, with a party atmosphere that really contrasts with your whirlwind of emotions and also with his.

Even though you don't want to, yet when he doesn't notice, you watch him. And this frustrates you. You want to enjoy Floris' birthday, but you can't help the tension you emanate along with him even though they are extreme to extreme.

Every time his gaze meets yours, you avert yours to the other side, nervous and alert, telling yourself that you can't let this disturb you for the entire time you'll be here.

"We're just here to celebrate Floris."

You repeat to yourself in your mind constantly.

On the other side, Aemond's mind doesn't stop spinning. Every time his eye meets yours, he feels a knot in his stomach and in order not to feel too much, he takes a sip of his beer as well and tries to appear unconcerned.

You both feel completely vulnerable, you don't want to make the atmosphere more tense and uncomfortable, so you make an effort to think about Floris and his friends.

You try to distract yourself by talking to other friends, talking to Floris and observing the whole place, but Aemond is always on your mind.

And even though you shouldn't, you ask yourself inevitable questions, unable to control it.

How is he doing?

How is he coping with the fact that he is now the boss?

Did he suffer a lot because of his father's death?

Must he hate me for ending things with him like that?

Did the association with Alys Rivers' company happen?

You let out a long breath, hating your mind at that moment, but you also inevitably begin to answer those questions with assumptions.

You assume he must be fine, since he's here, which surprises you since he didn't have time for almost anything before, so his new position at the company must give him a little more free time, although you don't really know.

You think about whether he must hate you for breaking his heart in such a cruel way, taking advantage of the fact that he had to leave to get on his plane and you guess he must still be seeing Rivers, even the breakup probably made things easier.

You bite the inside of your cheek and scold yourself, since you don't really know anything and take a long swig from your beer bottle, having had enough of you.

Aemond, on his own, in his mind was trying to find a reason or a good excuse to approach you, but he couldn't find the right moment. He wished the words would flow naturally, but every time he imagined a conversation, he felt blocked and unable to utter a word.

As the night progresses, the tension between the two persists, but fortunately it also becomes a little more bearable.

Although you have not spoken and have only exchanged glances, you had taken an important step in facing the past in that same place. But although the purpose was to have fun, neither he nor you did, it was impossible and you just sat in your places for Floris, nothing else.

Luckily everyone else didn't feel uncomfortable or tense because of you two, as little by little the table fills up with more drinks, the guys and he also smoke, the music helps and most of them are getting drunk, except him and you.

Until the hours go by, it's a little past midnight and already some people are starting to leave, Floris' night of celebration slowly coming to an end.

When only Floris, Liam, Sarah, Jenna, him and you are left, therefore, Floris considers the night over. And that's your cue to leave, so you say goodbye to her and everyone except him, taking the opportunity to leave the pub as you see him busy asking for a cigarette.

As you leave the pub, you lean against the wall with your phone in hand and the Uber app on the screen, waiting for a driver to accept your ride, but it keeps asking you to wait every long minute, making you feel desperate and worried.

You know it's only a matter of time before they and he come out and see you here and that's what you don't want.

But luck in that regard is not in your favor.

After continuing to wait for five more long minutes, you grunt under your breath in frustration as the application doesn't tell you anything, besides it's too much to ask for but you don't blame that either as you recognize that your dorm is far from here and you also take the time into consideration.

When then, Floris and all of them leave the pub, instantly her and also him noticing you.

Floris instantly turns to you and you give her a tired and distressed look.

"What's wrong?" she asks you in a low voice.

You bite your lips as you stare at your phone in frustration and answer her in a low voice as well.

"No driver accepts my ride. I don't know what to do."

"Well, Aemond has offered to drive us," she tells you with some caution and even in a low voice, "I'm sure he'll have no problem driving you too."

And here's just what you didn't want.

"No, I-I…" you let out a long breath, "Maybe I should try another app or walk a little further."

"Have you lost your mind?" she reproaches you in a whisper.

"I'm not going to ask him to drive me too," you clarify, frustrated and sad, "I've had enough."

"Come on, Y/N. I'll ask him."

Aemond, actually hears everything from a distance and realizes the situation, so he notices how Floris watches him and also how you try to watch him from the corner of your eye, noticing how you move your fingers across the screen of your phone in a desperate way.

And just then Liam speaks in his direction.

"I don't think we're all going to fit," he tells him as he points to his car.

He lets out a long breath as he pulls his keys out of his pocket, unlocking the doors.

"Get in, everyone."

He says in his voice loud enough for everyone and especially you to hear, without even looking at you, he also says it with a nonchalant tone, then starts across the street, heading to his car, which is big and spacious enough for everyone.

He listens as you and Floris speak again, but it's not so audible to him anymore, with the others following him to the car as well.

Tonight hasn't been the best, neither was the way you both ended it, but he still cares about you and your well-being, as there was no way he was going to leave you here alone, at almost two in the morning.

And when he gets in the car, he thought he would have to stand still, waiting for you, to the point of having to tell you himself that he will drop you off at home, but in the end he sees you following Floris with a look that he can't really describe.

Liam gets in as co-pilot and all the girls settle in the back seats, you too.

And pretty soon he's driving through the city, watching you in the rearview mirror from time to time, unable to help himself, while you watch him too when he doesn't notice, biting the inside of your cheek and feeling completely nervous.

And you don't know if it was intentional, but it really wasn't, Aemond just started asking for directions and those who had their houses closest to them spoke, leaving Sarah first, then Floris, Liam and at the end there's Jenna and you.

"My dorm is in Walden Residence, it's on the first block of the university," she indicates to Aemond and then she looks at you, "You live in a dorm too?"

You nod, feeling unable to speak.

"In which residence?"

You swallow hard, as you lick your lips.

"Westbridge."

"Oh! Then you'll drop me off first, her dorm is further in the back," she says to Aemond, who starts the car again.

Oh fuck.

general taglist:

@melsunshine @n4forlife @iamavailablesstuff @ttkttt @elliaze @trshngyn @tsujifreya @imsoshygirl @watercolorskyy @kckt88 @zenka69 @yentroucnagol @crispmarshmallow @bellastwd @queenofshinigamis @strangersunghoon @happinessinthebeing @iloveallmyboys @twobluejeans @siriusdumblittlepuppy

taglist next part:

@anehkael @randomstory56 @crazylokonugget @minttea07

[jetii]

Too Sweet

Part One | Part Three | Part Four

Pairing: Fox x fem!Reader / Fox x Doctor!Reader

Words: 6,162/26,525

Tags/Warnings: 18+ only! fluff, strangers to lovers, grumpy/sunshine, Fox is a little anxious/paranoid, and he needs a hug, lots of awkward flirting in this part, smut in part 4

Summary: Fox has no time for romance. He doesn't even have time for sleep, let alone dates. But when a horrible day at work leads him to you, he suddenly finds himself in danger of reevaluating his priorities.

A/N: Okay, I think I have the rest of this fic pretty much set, except for the final edits to the smut. Part 3 will be up on Wednesday and part 4 next Sunday!

Previous Work | Next Work | Masterlist

A week passes, and the wound in his shoulder heals without any complications. There's no need to see you again, and Fox is relieved. The more time that passes, the easier it is to forget about the interaction, and he soon manages to put it out of his mind entirely. He’s far too busy to dwell on things that don’t matter, and he has better things to focus on.

He still thinks about you, though.

It’s hard not to. He passes GMF every day, and sometimes he finds himself staring at the building wondering if you're working. You'd seemed to enjoy your job, and he finds himself hoping that you're doing okay. But then he reminds himself that it's none of his business, and he walks away.

Another week goes by, and the stitches dissolve, leaving nothing but a faint scar. Fox isn't sure how to feel about it. It's not the first scar he's gotten, and he doubts it'll be the last, but for some reason, he can't stop looking at it. It's strange. The wound was minor, and the injury is no longer bothering him, but there's something about the scar that intrigues him.

He doesn't like it.

It's a reminder of his failure, and the fact that he had been injured by a common criminal. It was embarrassing, and the fact that he still remembers your smile only makes it worse. It shouldn't have happened, and he was supposed to be better than that. He was supposed to be the best, and a scratch like this should have never occurred.

He spends his days obsessing over the incident, trying to figure out where he went wrong. There had to be a way to avoid a repeat performance, and he's determined to find it. The new security system has arrived, and he throws himself into his work, spending hours studying the plans and the documentation. He ignores his brothers' concerns and pushes himself harder than ever before, refusing to accept anything less than perfection.

After a week, he's finally satisfied, and he announces the changes to the Senate guards. He receives several confused looks, but no one questions his orders. He's the commander, after all, and if he wants things a certain way, that's the way they're going to be. It doesn't matter what the others think, as long as the job gets done.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"What do you mean?" Fox asks, looking up from his datapad to find Thorn standing in the doorway, a scowl on his face.

"Don't give me that."

"What's the problem?"

"The problem is you," Thorn says, pointing at him. "You've turned the Senate building into a fortress."

"So?"

"You've doubled the number of guard patrols," Thorn continues. "We've already had to reroute half the traffic, and people are getting mad. You can't just keep making these changes without talking to us first."

"It's my job," Fox says, his voice cold. "And you're not in charge, I am."

"Don't pull rank on me," Thorn snaps.

"Then don't question my decisions."

Thorn glares at him, his expression hard. He's clearly angry, but Fox doesn't care. He's doing his job, and his brother doesn't have the right to tell him how to do it. He's the one who has to answer for the safety of the Chancellor, and he's not about to let Thorn interfere.

"What's gotten into you?" he asks, his shoulders dropping, and the anger in his voice is tempered by concern. "You're acting weird."

"I'm not," Fox says, frowning.

"You are," Thorn insists. He steps into the room and shuts the door behind him. "I know we don't see eye-to-eye all the time, but something's up with you."

"There's nothing wrong," Fox says, his tone flat. He looks back down at the datapad, hoping that Thorn will take the hint and leave. There’s already a new message from the Chancellor, and he wants to get started on his report.

"You've been acting weird ever since that incident," Thorn says.

"What incident?" Fox asks, not looking up.

"The knife attack.”

"There were lots of knife attacks," Fox says, his voice flat. "You're going to have to be more specific."

“The one where you got stabbed, di’kut. It was two weeks ago, remember? When we had to go to GMF—“ Thorn stops abruptly, his eyes widening.

"What?" Fox snaps. He doesn't like the look on Thorn's face. It's the same expression he gets when he's solved a case, and it never means anything good. "What is it?"

"I just realized something."

"Realized what?" Fox asks, his patience running thin. He's tired and hungry, and the last thing he wants to deal with is another of Thorn's conspiracy theories.

"Why didn't I think of this sooner?" Thorn says, ignoring him, and he chuckles to himself. He walks over to the window and looks out, his expression thoughtful. "It's so obvious."

"Thorn—"

“This is about the doctor, isn’t it?”

Fox stiffens, and he stares at Thorn, his mouth falling open. He hadn't expected his brother to be so blunt, and the question catches him off guard.

"What?"

"Don't play dumb," Thorn says, giving him a look. "You've been obsessed with that incident ever since it happened, and I know for a fact that you've been avoiding the medical center."

"No, I haven't."

"Yes, you have," Thorn counters. "I've seen you turn around three times when we've walked past it, and you keep finding excuses not to go there."

"I'm not avoiding anything," Fox grumbles. He knows that Thorn isn't going to drop the subject until he answers, and he lets out a sigh, setting down his datapad. "It's not about the doctor. It's about the injury."

"I don't buy it."

"You don't have to."

"Fine," Thorn says, crossing his arms. He looks at Fox for a moment, his gaze scrutinizing, and then lets out a breath. "But for the record, I think you're being an idiot."

"So you've said."

"Yeah, well, maybe you'll listen this time."

"I doubt it," Fox mutters, and he picks up the datapad again. The screen is blank, and he taps at the controls, trying to remember where he'd left off.

"Why are you so set on torturing yourself?" Thorn asks. His voice is quiet, and the question takes Fox by surprise. He looks up at his brother, frowning, and he sees that Thorn is watching him with a worried expression. "You can't keep going like this, Fox."

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not," Thorn says. He walks over to the desk and sits down in the chair across from Fox, his elbows resting on the surface. "You're working yourself to death, and it's not going to make a difference."

"It will," Fox insists. "If we can—"

"It won't," Thorn interrupts. "I know you're worried about the Chancellor, but he's not going to disappear overnight. He's not in any more danger now than he was a week ago."

"We can't afford to let our guard down," Fox says, his voice strained. "You know that."

"I do." Thorn nods. "But you can't keep going like this. At least take a break. Go to a bar. Relax."

"There's too much work to do."

"I'll cover for you."

Fox sighs and looks down at the datapad again, the words blurring together. He can't focus, and the report isn't going to get done anytime soon. Thorn is right, as much as he hates to admit it. He's been working too hard, and it's starting to take a toll. But the thought of stopping makes his chest tighten, and he feels a surge of anxiety. If he stops, what's going to happen? What if something goes wrong, and he's not there to stop it? What if—

"Fox."

"Yeah," he says, letting out a shaky breath.

"Just take the rest of the night off." Thorn leans forward and gently pries the datapad from Fox's fingers. "You need to rest."

"Fine," Fox says, and he feels his shoulders slump.

"Good."

"But not a word of this to the others," he warns.

"I won't." Thorn smirks and stands up, walking over to the door. "Just promise me you'll try and have a little fun, okay? No matter how boring you think it is."

"Yeah, yeah."

Thorn leaves, and Fox lets out a sigh, sinking into his chair. He rests his head in his hands, rubbing his temples, and closes his eyes. The darkness is soothing, and he lets out a slow breath, trying to calm his nerves.

He's been feeling off for a while now, and the conversation with Thorn had only made things worse. The stress is starting to get to him, and he knows that he needs a break. But the thought of stepping away from the office, even for a moment, fills him with a sense of dread. He's afraid that something will happen, and he'll be too far away to stop it. But deep down, he knows that Thorn is right. He can't keep going like this. Something's got to give.

Fox’s stomach growls, painfully reminding him that he hasn't eaten all day. The sound snaps him out of his thoughts, and he looks up, blinking. He's been sitting here for hours, and the sun has gone down. It's late, and his body is screaming for food and sleep.

He stands up and stretches, his back popping, and heads for the door. The mess hall at the barracks has long since closed, and his stomach grumbles again, louder this time. He sighs and runs a hand through his hair, wondering if there's a ration bar left in his locker. Probably not. Maybe if he takes a walk, he can find something. There's bound to be a 24-hour café open somewhere, and if he’s lucky, they'll have something edible. He hasn't eaten actual food in weeks, and the thought of having something hot and fresh is almost too tempting to resist.

He steps out of his office and makes his way down the corridor, passing the rows of empty desks and abandoned terminals. Thorn’s office light is still on, and when Fox passes by, his brother gives him a thumbs up and a smile. Fox rolls his eyes, and he keeps walking, his feet carrying him down the stairs and towards the exit.

The night air is cool and refreshing, and he takes a deep breath, letting the chill seep into his bones. The streetlights are on, and the traffic has thinned, but the city is still bustling with activity. People are milling about, and he can see a few clusters of troopers on patrol. It's a familiar sight, and it brings him some comfort. At least here, he knows what to expect.

He walks for a few blocks, keeping his head down and his eyes forward. He doesn't want to draw attention to himself, and the last thing he needs is another confrontation with a citizen. He's tired, and the thought of having to explain himself is enough to make him cringe. It's better to just avoid it altogether.

Fox rounds a corner and pauses, his eyes scanning the crowd. There's a small diner tucked away between two buildings, and the smell of spices wafts out from the doorway. His stomach growls again, and he walks towards the entrance, pushing the doors open.

The diner is small and cozy, and there's only a handful of people inside. They're scattered throughout the room, and most are seated at the counter, chatting with the droid serving them. Fox takes a seat near the door, as far away from the other customers as possible, and pulls off his helmet. His hair is sticking up, and he quickly runs his fingers through it, trying to smooth it down. He's not sure why, but he suddenly feels self-conscious, and the feeling unsettles him. He's usually more composed, but today has been rough, and he doesn't want anyone to see him like this.

He orders a cup of caf, and as soon as it’s placed in front of him, he downs it in a single gulp. It's strong and bitter, and the warmth spreads through his chest, calming him. The exhaustion is still there, but at least the headache was starting to fade. He orders a second cup, and he sips it slowly, letting the steam warm his face as he turns his attention to the menu. 

Most of the dishes listed are foreign to him, and he’s so absorbed in trying to decipher the strange names that he doesn't notice someone settling one stool over from him. The smell of lavender is subtle, but unmistakable, and a flash of white has him turning his head before he can stop himself.

It’s you.

Fox nearly inhales his caf, and you look up from your datapad, startled.

"Commander?" You blink a few times, seemingly as surprised to see him as he was to see you. The surprise on your face quickly morphs into concern, and you frown. "Is everything alright?”

"Yes, yes, I'm fine," Fox says, taking another sip of caf to cover up his embarrassment.

"Are you sure? You look a bit...frazzled," you say, eyeing his hair.

He winces, and his free hand shoots up to smooth down his unruly curls again. Your gaze follows his movements, and then you smile, and the sight is like a punch to the gut.

"Just a long day," Fox mutters, glancing away. He stares down at his cup, tracing the rim with a gloved finger, and tries not to think about the way his heart is hammering in his chest. He can’t believe that of all the places in the city, you’re here, and the realization that you'd seen him make a fool of himself again has him wishing the floor would swallow him whole.

"I understand that," you say. Your smile fades, and you let out a sigh, tapping the datapad. "Unfortunately."

He glances over, curious, and sees that the screen is filled with rows of data. There are charts and graphs, and what appears to be an inventory list. It doesn't look like anything fun, and the thought that you might have a stressful job, too, intrigues him.

“What brings you out this late?” he asks.

You look at him, your eyebrows raised. For a moment, he worries that he's overstepped, but then you smile, and his worry melts away.

"Same as you, I suppose," you say, and he can hear the exhaustion in your voice. You sigh and set down your datapad. “My shift doesn’t end until 0400, but I needed a break from the medical wing. Sometimes, the smell of bacta gets to me."

Against his will, a laugh bubbles up from his chest. It’s short and rough, like gravel under his boots, but he can’t help it. He tries to cover it up by taking another sip of his caf, but you don't seem offended, and when he looks at you again, you're smiling.

"I hear that," Fox says, his lips twitching. "Something about it just..." He shudders, the thought of the thick, gel-like substance making him gag.

"Exactly," you say, nodding. "It's like melting plastic."

"Or glue," Fox says. He pauses for a moment, his brows furrowing, and he shakes his head. "Actually, maybe it is glue."

You laugh, and the sound is so bright and clear that it startles him. He didn’t think he was capable of making anyone laugh, and the fact that he had made you do so twice is baffling.

"Oh, stars, don't remind me.” Your nose scrunches up, and you let out a soft groan. "I can't tell you how many times I've had to peel my scrubs off and throw them away after a long day."

"I can only imagine," Fox muses, trying to picture you without the scrubs. His mind goes to a place h didn’t expect, and his cheeks heat up. He looks away, suddenly fascinated by the pattern on the countertop.

"I suppose it’s not so bad," you continue, oblivious to his distress. You tap your fingers on the counter, and then turn towards him. "You know, I heard a rumor that you were afraid of medics."

"I am not," Fox scoffs, frowning. He looks at you, and your expression is serious, but there's a twinkle in your eyes that tells him you're not entirely sincere. "I just have a healthy respect for those who can take me apart and put me back together again.”

"A healthy respect," you echo, grinning.

"Yes."

"Is that why you ran out of GMF like you were being chased by a Nexu the other day?" you ask, and there's a teasing note in your voice that makes his stomach flip.

"No," he mutters, looking away. 

He can feel his face burning, and his embarrassment is only making it worse. You'd noticed. Of course you had. And the fact that you'd actually thought about it, that you'd cared enough to bring it up, is both flattering and mortifying. He'd been hoping that you would just forget the entire incident, but apparently, you were more perceptive than he'd realized.

"Right," you chuckle. "Well, you're braver than most, I'll give you that. Most troopers don't set foot in the med center unless they're dragged there by their brothers."

He can't help but chuckle a little at that. If only you knew how close to the truth you were.

"So, if you're not afraid, do you mind if I join you?” you ask, gesturing toward the empty seat between you. “I promise not to dissect you, Commander."

Fox hesitates, his stomach clenching. You're asking to sit next to him. Why? It doesn't make any sense, and he's not sure what to say. It's a simple question, but it feels like there's a hidden meaning behind it, and he can't figure out what it is. But, the hopeful look on your face and the inexplicable need to please you is making it hard for him to say no.

You must mistake his silence for refusal, because your smile fades, and you pull back a little.

"It's okay if you don't want to," you say, and your tone is apologetic. "I just figured, since we're both here..."

"No, no, I'd like that," Fox says quickly, scooping up his helmet and setting it on the counter beside him. He gives you a small smile, and you beam back at him.

"Great!"

You stand and move to the seat between you, and Fox finds himself leaning back a little, not wanting to be too close. But when you settle into the stool, the scent of lavender is stronger, and he relaxes, allowing himself to enjoy it.

"I thought maybe I was bothering you," you admit.

"You’re not," Fox says, and he means it. Your presence is actually calming, and he feels the tension in his shoulders ease a little. He takes a deep breath, savoring the smell, and then realizes what he's doing and quickly stops. He picks up the menu and studies it intently, trying to distract himself.

You don't say anything, and he can feel you watching him. It's unnerving, but the feeling isn't entirely unpleasant, and he allows himself a few more seconds before he looks up at you again. When he does, you quickly turn away, a light flush dusting your cheeks. It's oddly endearing, and Fox has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling.

The waitress droid returns and pours you a cup of caf before refilling his. You thank her as she leaves, and you pick up the cup, taking a sip. You let out a sigh, and your eyes close, a satisfied smile forming on your lips.

"This is perfect," you murmur, taking another sip. "I needed this."

"It's a necessity in my line of work," he says, his tone dry. "I'd be dead without it."

"You're telling me," you say, smiling at him, and you rest your chin on your hand. "I had to get three cups before my shift started just to feel human again."

"Three?"

"Don't judge," you say, laughing. "It's been a rough week."

"I wasn't judging," Fox smirks. "Those are rookie numbers, doctor."

“Rookie, huh?" You raise an eyebrow. "And how many cups would you say a seasoned pro could drink, Commander?"

"At least four." His smirk widens, and you roll your eyes, shaking your head. But your smile never falters, and Fox feels a little surge of pride. 

The way you seem so relaxed around him is surprising. Most civilians are put off by his presence, his harsh demeanor and stoicism, the fact that you aren't afraid of him makes him happy, and the warmth in his chest spreads through his body, filling him with a strange sort of euphoria.

"Well, I think we've established who's the true caffeine addict here," you tease. “You better eat something, or your heart is going to explode."

“Is that your official medical opinion, doctor?" he asks, his tone dry.

"It is," you say, giving him a pointed look.

He can't help but chuckle at your seriousness, and the way your brow furrows as you pretend to scold him. It's cute, and he finds himself enjoying it more than he should. 

He shouldn't be so comfortable around you, and yet he can't seem to stop himself. Something about you just draws him in, and the longer he spends in your company, the less he wants to leave.

"Then, I guess I'd better order something," Fox says, smiling.

“You better," you say, and the sternness in your voice is ruined by the way your eyes sparkle.

The two of you lapse into silence, and Fox takes the opportunity to study you. Your eyes are fixed on the menu, and you’re chewing on your bottom lip, seemingly deep in thought. Your hair falls around your face, and you absentmindedly tuck a strand behind your ear. You're beautiful, and the thought comes unbidden, but Fox doesn't try to fight it. It's true. You are beautiful. And you're talking to him, of all people, even after how he treated you.

It's surreal, and the fact that you seem so content, so happy, to be in his company is baffling. He can’t stop the questions from swirling through his mind. Why would someone like you want to spend time with him? What could you possibly get out of it? Surely, there had to be some sort of ulterior motive, some scheme or plan. Maybe you were spying for the Separatists, or working with the Black Sun, or—

"Have you eaten here before?" you ask, interrupting his thoughts.

"No, I haven't," Fox admits. "I don't really eat out much."

“Oh, you’re in for a treat,” you say, and you grin at him. The gesture is so sincere, so full of warmth and joy, that his heart skips a beat. "They have the best seallia sandwich here. I've been coming here since I started working at the GMF."

"I'll have to try it, then," Fox says, returning your smile.

The droid returns, and the two of you place your orders. When she leaves, the silence settles over the table again, and Fox fidgets, not sure what to do. He’s not normally one for small talk, or any talk, really, but something about your presence makes him want to reach out, and the fact that he doesn't know what to say is frustrating.

He glances over, and the look on your face is thoughtful, almost sad. You're staring at the counter, your chin resting in the palm of your hand, and the corners of your mouth are turned down. 

You look exhausted, and the sudden realization that you're probably as tired as he is hits him like a bolt of lightning. He has no idea how much longer your shift lasts, or how long it's been since you've gotten a decent night's sleep, and the thought of you suffering fills him with a strange sort of guilt.

"Long day?" he asks hesitantly.

"Yeah," you sigh. "I've been trying to get this grant application finished, but it's not going very well."

"Why not?"

"Well, the money is for a new surgical wing," you say, and you shrug. "But the bureaucrats at the hospital board don't seem to think it's worth the effort."

"What's wrong with the old wing?" Fox asks, frowning. He's familiar with the building, and the idea that it might not be up to par is unsettling. If it's not safe, then the lives of his men could be at risk. "Is it not up to code?"

“No, no, nothing like that," you assure him, and he lets out a relieved breath. "It's just...not very modern."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the equipment is outdated, and the space is cramped," you explain. “With the amount of refugees flooding the planet, we're already at capacity. It's only a matter of time before we hit a breaking point, and if we're not prepared..." You trail off, a frown on your face, and you shake your head. "I don't even want to think about it."

"I see," Fox says, and his stomach twists into knots. He's seen the crowds of refugees, the lines of injured people waiting outside the medical centers, and the thought of what would happen if things got any worse is terrifying. There’d already been one riot, and the city was becoming increasingly unstable. It was only a matter of time before something snapped.

"Sorry, I shouldn't be complaining," you say, giving him a small smile. "I know you've got a lot on your plate."

"It's alright," Fox says, his voice soft. The guilt he feels whenever someone mentions the state of the planet is starting to build, and he has to resist the urge to apologize. He knows it’s not his responsibility alone, and yet, the burden is his to carry.

"Thanks," you murmur, and the gratitude in your voice is startling. You offer him a warm smile, and the knot in his stomach loosens, and the guilt recedes. "I'm sorry, I don't usually get to talk about this stuff."

"Why not?"

"My co-workers aren't really interested in listening to me complain about the state of the medical system. They think I’m being paranoid." You sigh and run a hand through your hair. "And they're probably right. We're doing everything we can, and there's only so much we can do with what we have."

"No, I understand," Fox says. His own brothers aren't much better, and he can't count the number of times he's had to deal with their complaints and gripes. The fact that they can't see the bigger picture, the danger lurking just beneath the surface, frustrates him. "Trust me."

"It's nice to hear someone else agree," you say, and there's a wistful note in your voice that makes his heart ache. You sound lonely, and the urge to reach out, to comfort you, is nearly overwhelming. But before he can do anything, the droid returns with your food, and you sit up, smiling. "Thank you."

The food is placed in front of them, and Fox stares at his plate, a little taken aback. The sandwich is massive, and it smells amazing. His stomach growls, and he takes a large bite, closing his eyes as the flavors explode in his mouth.

"Good, right?" you ask, grinning.

"Yes," he says, and he lets out a sigh. The sandwich is the most delicious thing he's ever eaten, and he quickly devours it, savoring every bite. You seem amused, and you watch him with a faint smile on your lips, eating your own food much slower.

The silence between the two of you is comfortable, and Fox is surprised by how easy it is to just sit and enjoy the moment. Every once in a while, you look over at him, and the way your gaze lingers sends shivers down his spine. He can't help but stare back, and the two of you exchange small smiles before returning to your meals.

It's silly, and a little childish, but the warmth in his chest grows with every glance, and soon, he's actively trying not to grin like an idiot.

"So," you say, wiping your mouth. "How's the arm feeling?"

"It's fine." He glances down at his pauldron, and then back at you. "You did a good job."

"That's what I'm here for," you say, laughing.

"I'm sorry I didn't stick around," Fox says, wincing internally at the memory. "Things were pretty hectic that day."

"Don't worry about it," you say, waving him off. "I'm just glad you're okay."

Fox looks at you, his eyebrows raised. You're staring at him, and your expression is genuine. There's no anger or resentment in your eyes, only concern, and his throat tightens. No one's ever looked at him like that before, and the thought that you care so much about his wellbeing is shocking.

"I appreciate it," Fox says, his voice low. He pauses for a moment, and then adds, "And thank you, again, for not dissecting me."

The words sound ridiculous, even to his ears, but the joke seems to work. You snort, and the sound is so unexpected that he has to bite back a laugh.

"Well, I did promise," you tease, grinning.

"That you did."

The two of you fall silent again, and this time, it's more noticeable. The noise of the diner fades, and the sounds of traffic from outside are replaced by the pounding of his heart in his ears. The warmth in his chest is still there, and he tries to ignore it, focusing on his meal instead.

He's almost finished when a thought occurs to him, and the words leave his mouth before he can stop them.

"I could help you.”

You look up at him, confusion written on your face.

"With the grant," Fox continues, his voice growing strained. He hadn't meant to offer his assistance, but now that he's started, he can't seem to stop. The ideas are pouring out of him, and the need to please you is making his skin prickle. "I know some people, I could put in a word for you."

"Commander—"

"Fox."

"Sorry, Fox." You let out a nervous laugh and tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. "That's very kind of you, but I couldn't ask you to do that."

"You're not asking," Fox points out.

"True, but..." You trail off, and a crease forms between your brows. He can tell that you're hesitant, and he wonders if perhaps he'd crossed a line.

"Forget it," he mutters. "I shouldn't have—"

"No, no, it's not that," you interrupt, shaking your head. "I just don't want to take advantage of you. You have a lot on your plate, and I don't want to add to your workload."

"It's not a problem," he assures you. "My duty is to the people of Coruscant, and if there's something I can do to help, I should do it. It's my responsibility."

"You're not responsible for the whole city, Fox," you say softly. Your brows knit together, and you look so sincere, so earnest, that he can't stop the wave of affection that crashes over him. "You can't fix everything."

"I can try," he shrugs. "And I think the Chancellor would agree with me. It's a good cause, and it could benefit a lot of people."

"The Chancellor?" you ask, blinking. "You'd talk to the Chancellor?"

Fox tries not to scoff. Of course, he'd talk to the Chancellor. He talked to him every day, multiple times a day. Sometimes, it seemed like the only thing he ever did was talk to him.

"I'm sure he'd be happy to hear about the medical center's needs," Fox says, his voice flat.

"That's..." You pause, and the look of surprise on your face melts into something else, something softer, and his chest tightens. "You're sweet."

"I'm not," he mutters, his face heating up. Sweet? What did that mean?

"Yes, you are." You laugh and lean forward, a playful smirk on your face. "And if you insist, I'll take you up on your offer."

"Okay," he says, nodding. He picks up his cup and takes a sip of his caf, hoping that it will hide his blush.

"I'll send you my contact info," you say, smiling at him. "And maybe we can get dinner sometime. To discuss the proposal, of course."

"Of course."

"You pick the place," you add, your eyes sparkling. "And this time, don't run off."

"I promise," he says, and the corners of his mouth lift into a smile.

The two of you exchange frequencies, and the conversation quickly turns to lighter topics. The stress of the day, the exhaustion, and the anxiety seems to fade away, and Fox finds himself relaxing. He's actually enjoying himself, and the knowledge that it's because of you is both comforting and frightening.

It's late by the time you finish eating, and the streets have emptied. You pay for your meal, despite his protests, and the two of you step out into the cool night air. The moon is high in the sky, and the traffic has quieted, but the city is far from silent.

"I guess I should be going," you say, letting out a sigh. "I need to get back."

"Right," Fox says.

The two of you stand in front of the entrance, and Fox fidgets, his hands gripping the edges of his helmet. He's not sure what to do, and he's surprised by the sudden reluctance he feels. The thought of saying goodbye, of walking away, and not seeing you again for who knows how long, leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

"Let me escort you," he blurts out.

"I...what?"

"It's not safe for you to walk alone this late," Fox explains. He gestures towards the street, and the faint shadows between the street lamps. “The city is dangerous at night."

"Fox," you say, a slight smile tugging at your lips. "I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."

"I know," he says, his voice soft. “But it would make me feel better."

"If you insist," you chuckle.

"I do."

"Well, how can I refuse, when you ask so nicely," you tease, and he gives you a small smile.

The two of you walk side by side, and Fox's eyes are drawn to you. The streetlights catch in your hair, and the faint glow highlights your face, casting shadows on your features. You look radiant, and the urge to reach out and touch you, to brush the stray strands of hair from your cheek, is nearly overpowering.

But he doesn't. Instead, he tucks his hands behind his back and follows along, trying to memorize every detail.

The GMF isn't far. Soon, the two of you are standing outside the entrance, and he's almost disappointed. The walk had gone by too fast, and the thought of going back to the barracks alone, back to his empty room and his empty life, makes his chest ache.

"Well," you say, and he's startled to find that the two of you have stopped. "I guess this is where we part ways."

"Looks like it."

You turn towards him, and his breath catches in his throat.

"I had fun tonight," you say, smiling up at him.

"So did I," Fox admits. He hesitates, and then adds, "I'm sorry if I was rude when we first met. It's not often that civilians are so...welcoming."

"Well, it's a shame," you murmur. You step closer, and the smell of lavender surrounds him. His heartbeat picks up, and he's suddenly acutely aware of how close you are. "They're missing out."

"I wouldn't be so sure," he says, his tone dry.

"I would," you say firmly. You reach out and touch his arm, your hand warm even through his armor, and the contact sends a shock through his system. "Thank you, Fox."

He swallows thickly and nods. "Anytime."

"I'll comm you about the grant," you promise, and you squeeze his arm. "Have a good night, Commander."

"You, too," he manages, and then you turn, and disappear through the doors.

He stands there for a moment, watching the door, and a strange sense of longing fills him. It's not the first time he's felt lonely, and the feeling is familiar, but there's something else, something new, that accompanies it. He can't quite name it, but the warmth in his chest spreads through his body, and he lets out a breath, his shoulders slumping.

Maybe Thorn was right. Maybe he'd just needed to take a break. But the way you'd made him feel, the warmth and joy, was something that had never happened before, and it's a feeling that he can't let go.

Maybe things are starting to change.

Taglist: @baddest-batchers @covert1ntrovert @stellarbit @bruh-myguy-what @qvnthesia

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@kashasenpai @kkdrawsdecently

[w2beastars]

Waezi2′s thoughts on “Beast Complex” chapter 24.

Paru is back at it again!

Meet South the Iguana.

South is a twenty-nine year old lizard. Saying he is an alcoholic might be an exaggeration... but he very much have an alcohol problem. Having sensitive skin and living in a very warm area, South needs to stay hydrated, but he choose to mainly drink beer instead of water. Partly because of how it affects his skin but also o make it easier for him to not think about his problems.

But then his excessive drinking is cock-blocked by a penguin inside the beer fridge... Still not the weirdest thing I ever wrote.

Yeah, a baby penguin somehow ended up in the store where South gets his favorite brand of beer. To stay cool in the very warm area South lives in, the little guy is now inside the beer fridge and refuse to leave. Begrudgingly, South takes the little penguin to his small apartment so the shop can stock up on beer again.

Having a guest in his home for the first time in ages, South realize that his place is not just dirty, it is rather empty. He sleeps on a mattress, has a fridge for his beer and food and a microwave oven for his meals. His home is about as pathetic as he is.

As South thinks about how his life is kind of a fart, we learn something... shocking about this iguana.

Something that you have never seen before in Beastars OR in Beast Complex. Something so odd that you might find it revolting. It will make you wonder if Paru was even more unhinged than she normally is while making this comic!

You see, South...

... was in a relationship with a female WHO IS THE SAME SPECIES AS HIM!

Trust me, dear reader. I'm as shocked as you are! A Beast Complex character who was NOT dating an animal completely different from them?!

What madness is this?!

Okay, seriously speaking.

We get some good ol' Paru symbolism as we see that South's life has for a while revolved around his fridge. Or rather, what is inside it. It got out of hand to the point that his (same-species?!?!?) girlfriend dumped him and his boss feeling so sorry for him that he makes him take a break instead of downright firing him.

So South drinks when he gets anxious. But his increasing drinking makes him more anxious, which results in him drinking even more, making him more anxious and so on. As he thinks about his boss and ex, he once again gets "thirsty" and practically tears his fridge oepn.

South would probably end up as a drunken waist... if not for his new "roommate."

See, the thing about depression is that you often ends up alone, either because the people around you lose their patience or you choose to be alone. And when you are alone with a minimum of interaction with the real world, you stop caring about the small things like cleaning your home, a proper diet and your economy.

Best thing to do is actually to be useful somehow. Like doing voluntary work or getting a pet. Or in this case, a penguin in your fridge. If you are of use for someone else, you feel a little better about yourself.

And that's what South is to the baby penguin he has named Sam(a reference to the Japanese word for "cold"). The two of them can't really talk since Sam is a sea animal and has a entirely different language.

Whenever South has his panic attacks and go for a beer, he is instead met by the fluffy little bird in the fridge. So South has to clean the fridge for penguin poop and also spend extra hours in his part-time job since he spends more money on electricity because of Sam being inside the fridge. As the days pass, South finds himself acting like, well... a functional adult.

One day, South gets a reason to panic again as he realize that Sam is losing his white coat and looks skinny instead of fluffy.

If you know a thing or two about penguins, then you will know that there is nothing to worry about. But South knows jack shit about these birds, so he rush him to a hospital on his bicycle.

On their way, they pass the ocean... and we get this majestic moment.

There was nothing to worry about, Sam is just growing up and losing his fluff, finally ready to leave his nest and get in the ocean.

A pair of dolphins are luckily near and South has managed to learn to speak a little sea language so he can ask the dolphins to escort the young penguin to Antarctica.

Despite Sam having left his apartment, South still have a little of Sam in his fridge as the penguin sends him letters on pieces of ice.

So South's life still revolves around his fridge so to say, just in a much healthier way.

This was such a nice tale about a guy rebuilding his life by having to be dependent for someone else.

... Even if South is a freak, dating a fellow iguana. BE A FURRY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, SOUTH!

I'm Waezi2, and thanks for wasting time with me.

[lancerslover]

Just Relax

pairing: young john f. kennedy/reader

summary: the summer before his graduate program at stanford, jack kennedy brings his new fiancée, president roosevelt's niece, out on a sailboat for some much-needed alone time.

word count: 2.2k

warnings: 18+, smut, some swearing, mildly dubious consent

taglist: @raspberryknees @saturns-flowers @vlyofthedolls @fortheloveofjos @h-l-vlovesvintage @astro-vibes-bro @neverellaxx7 @maudesgf @southernpopprincess @melancholicstation @secretwonderlandcheesecake @kennediva

a/n: first of all, thank you as always to @vintagedebutante for the beautiful moodboard photos!

this fic’s based on a request i got a while ago for jack to be in an arranged kind of marriage with another socialite! i know it's short 😫 but i'm planning on posting another fic in the next few weeks. i hope you all enjoy this one!!

You’re watching Jack Kennedy sail his boat—how his flexing muscles shimmer like knots of cinnamon in the white sun, the way his golden-red hair ruffles around his ears in the fresh late-morning wind, the way his face glows pink from exertion and every few minutes he’ll mutter something like, “Easy now, just like that, there we are” while easing the long wooden tiller back and forth—when, suddenly, the boat rolls over a particularly big wave and you start slipping from your perch at the edge of the deck.

But before you even know what’s happening, Jack’s long, heroic arm comes swooping across your waist to yank you back to safety just as you’re about to tip overboard.

“I‘ve got you, I’ve got you.” You feel his voice, urgent but still self-assuredly calm, on your neck. Then you feel his hot, furry thighs as you stumble back—or what’s more likely is that he’s purposely pulling you—into his lap.

A quiet groan escapes you. This is the last thing you need. The whole reason you left the cockpit to go sit at the far edge of the boat in the first place was to try and put some distance between yourself and him.

“Are you alright?” he asks then, scorching you with one of those slow, coaxing smiles as he looms over you.

“I’m fine,” you say, and you realize from the sound of your voice that you’re a little breathless—but whether that’s from the aftershock of almost falling or the jittery thrill of being pressed against him, you aren’t entirely sure.

This little voyage at sea is the longest you two have ever been completely alone together. Sure, you’ve been technically alone for hours in places like the cinema hall or a restaurant on all of those ridiculous “dates” your families would send the two of you on so you could be photographed together before they announced your engagement, but this is different. You’re truly alone, without another soul in sight. 

Normally when you two find yourselves truly alone like this, it’s only for a few minutes while Jack drives you home from one of those “dates,” and it doesn’t take long before neither of you can handle the tension any longer and he’s pulling over and unbuttoning your blouse. And you’re pretty sure he was envisioning something along those lines when he invited you and you alone out onto his boat the second his family’s breakfast picnic ended. 

Of course, you’re envisioning that, too. How could you not? For almost a half-hour now, you’ve been forced to watch him in all his masculine glory, commanding the sea against the backdrop of the shiny Kennedy mansion on the horizon and the flapping American flag on their beachside lawn. It’s stunning, the way Jack looks like the total embodiment of the youthful, all-American manhood that he and his brothers symbolize to so many. And the fact that he just rescued you certainly isn’t making matters any easier—because what you also can’t help but envision is the scandalous story that would smear across the society column of every major newspaper if an innocent, neighborly passerby boat happened to catch you and Jack with your hands all over each other in public, before you were married, no less. Your reputation would be in ruins. Your mother genuinely might never speak to you again.

The entire world, it sometimes seems, has been involved in every last little day-to-day moment of your courtship with Jack ever since your families first formally introduced you at a dinner party over a year ago now. But that’s the whole point, you suppose, behind two of the most famous families in America betrothing their two eldest children to each other. And now that, as of last month, you and Jack are officially engaged, the country waits with bated breath for the union between the handsome Kennedy celebrity—who, come autumn, will be galavanting off for his glamorous first semester as a graduate student at Stanford, where he’ll likely mingle among a swath of California’s finest singers and matinee idols—and you. If anyone asked, you would say that the most notable thing about you is that you’ve just finished your freshman year at Radcliffe College. A few years ago, you were dubbed “President Roosevelt’s favorite niece” by the New York Times, but in all honesty, you don’t actually have any reason to believe that your uncle prefers you over any of your cousins.

But still, under no circumstances, you tell yourself, will you let Jack make any sort of move on you out here on this boat. At least one of you needs to have your priorities straight.

“I told you not to sit up there, didn’t I?” Jack is saying when you snap out of your thoughts, tilting his chin toward the edge of the deck where, moments ago, you were peacefully sitting. “Remember this next time you decide not to listen to me.”

You can’t help but crane your neck back to try and study his face for some hint as to what he’s really feeling behind all the sarcasm. Does he pity you for almost tumbling overboard? Or does he think this whole situation is just plain funny? Though either one would be sufficiently humiliating, you’re sort of hoping that, whatever he’s thinking, it’s now distracting him from any dirty thoughts.

But, alas, he’s wearing his big, circular sunglasses, so it’s really no use trying to read him. Unlike the rest of his features, his eyes are always so full of soul and emotion, and whenever you can’t see them, he suddenly becomes so distant, like a calculating secret agent who’s completely anonymous to everyone he keeps tabs on yet somehow knows all of their darkest secrets.

Your spine tightens then when you hear the faint chug of another boat cruising by, but thankfully, when you turn to look, you realize it’s not coming close enough for anyone on board to see you in Jack’s lap. Nevertheless, you twist out of Jack’s arms, landing with a soft thud beside him on the wooden bench.

Jack chuckles then, a deep, slightly dark sound. You blow your bangs out of your eyes, trying your best to seem nonchalant while sparks go off inside of you at the sound of his laugh.

“Why’d you wanna sit so far from me, anyway, huh?” he asks, sidling closer simply because he knows perfectly well that you don’t want him to.

The sharp contrast between his dark glasses and the bright, sun-reflecting tape across the freckled bridge of his nose is suddenly making your eyes burn, and you stare down at your sandals. You start to open your mouth to remind him that now isn’t the time or place to do whatever he’s thinking of doing—but your voice dries out in your throat as he places his hand on your thigh and gives it a soft, playful squeeze. Oh, boy, you think. Here we go.

“What’s wrong?” Jack murmurs with exaggerated concern, an electric sound that’s followed immediately by the dangerous, hair-raising sizzle of his lips on your exposed neck. You suck in a sharp breath of air. “Afraid somebody’s gonna see us?”

He moves your hair to the side and kisses your neck again. And again. You know you should move away but the heat from his chest has welded your body to the bench beneath you.

When he speaks again, his voice is suddenly lower and quieter than before, like there’s something inside of him that he, too, is now trying to suppress, to wrangle into control.

“There’s no need to worry,” he says. “If there’s a photo of me bending you over the deck in The Post tomorrow, I’ll make sure none of the blame falls on you. I’ll say I grabbed you and you tried your best to get away but I just wouldn’t let you go.”

He chuckles again, and then, when you sense him suddenly pulling away, you can’t help but feel a clench of disappointment.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see him reach up into the sails and bring the boat to a complete standstill in a whirlwind of brisk, whooshing movements. Then you’re being heaved onto his lap again, facing him this time, your knees thumping against the bench on either side of his legs.

You let out a small, shuddering laugh, pressing your hands to his chest. “Oh, come now, Kennedy,” you say. “As romantic as it sounds, we can’t actually—”

He cuts you off by popping open the button on your shorts.

You’re suppressing a grin as you try your best to push away from him, to squeeze your thighs closed. But his big hands close tightly around your hips, and in a sudden flash of riled-up aggression, he jolts you still with one sharp, warning movement. Almost immediately, you can feel bruises start to form under his fingertips, which makes your stomach somersault.

“Keep still, Y/N,” Jack groans between clenched teeth, the corners of his mouth fighting off a smirk. “Christ. You’re killing me.”

Left with no other choice, you settle back down into his lap, and you quickly realize exactly what he meant by “You’re killing me.” The inside of your thigh brushes against a bulge in his pants that, you can only assume, was created by the friction from all your inadvertent grinding against him.

A shaky gasp leaves your lips then as his long, knuckly finger slips inside your zipper. When that same finger starts to move in slow circles over your clit, your head falls back and you breathe “God dammit, Jack” to the sky.

“Listen,” Jack says into your skin while he kisses across the length of your collarbone, “I promise nobody’s gonna see us. We’re far enough out.”

He brings his free hand to cup your breast over your shirt, and your head tilts forward. Your forehead smushes against his, which, strangely, is kind of soothing. You take the opportunity to let out a deep breath.

“That’s it, kid,” Jack says, his teeth brushing against your lips. “Just relax.”

Into his mouth, you whisper the words, “I hate you.”

One of his eyebrows twitches up over his sunglasses. “Yeah?” he says, and he suddenly sounds even more feverishly out-of-breath than you are. “You hate me, huh?”

He laughs as his finger increases its pressure, and a wave of pleasure so intense you feel like you could vomit cracks through your body. So much for trying to relax. Your mouth falls open, and as you gasp his name, you notice his mouth going slack, too, as he watches yours. An odd, gratifying tingle shoots down your back.

He increases the pressure again. “How does that feel?” he asks, blinding you with the cocky glint of his teeth. When you don’t respond—because your deep-seated competitive side won’t give him the satisfaction—he closes your clit between his thumb and pointer finger in a gentle pinch.

You can’t do anything but groan as that watery pressure starts to reach a breaking point between your legs. 

In a last-ditch attempt to gain some semblance of control over the situation, you shove those god-forsaken sunglasses up off his face and back into his thick tangle of hair. But his eyes are so bright and so full of what looks to be some sort of boyish, appreciative awe as he looks up at you that, once again, you’re rendered stunned and powerless. You’re briefly reminded of that old John Buchan quote you always felt described Jack perfectly: “He disliked emotion, not because he felt lightly, but because he felt deeply.”

“Soon,” Jack says then, as if he’s been waiting to say this until his sunglasses were off and he could truly look you in the eye, “we’ll have our own house and the rest of our lives to be alone every single day.”

The sun starts to melt out from behind a cloud, and Jack’s eyes crease adorably around the edges as he squints up at you. You aren’t quite sure how to respond to his uncharacteristically sentimental remark, but in the end, you don’t have to. You hit your climax right at that moment—you aren’t sure exactly why. But suddenly your whole body is trembling, and you’re gasping his name into his neck, sinking your teeth into his stubbly skin, digging your nails into his shoulders. You feel his throat vibrating as he groans along with you.

Just then, you hear another sailboat come putzing by—and this one sounds only a hundred or so feet away. Immediately, you’re ripped from the throes of ecstasy. You sit back up, heart jumping into your throat so fast you almost choke. You feel Jack tense up, too.

But then the man at the helm of the boat waves and shouts hello, and you feel Jack relax.

“Ah,” Jack says. “It’s just old Mr. Newman. He can’t see well. Completely harmless.”

“Are you kids behaving yourselves?” Mr. Newman shouts jovially across the glittering water.

“Always, Mr. Newman,” Jack says, pulling his hand out of your shorts to wave back.

thank you for reading!!

[purplecoffee13]

The Fake Girlfriend - pt. 2*

Summary: “The official fake dating can commence, and so can the exploration of a whole bunch of new… feelings.”

Wc: 4.9k

Tropes: semi-enemies to lovers (she hates him)

Warnings: jealousy, possessiveness, smut (f!receiving), a sudden deep analysis of wuthering heights followed by smut

*2 weeks later*

I'm going to move to Italy, seriously.

Ever since Harry and I arrived at the airport I haven't been able to stop myself from gawking at everything I've seen. That includes Harry's relatives, proving that his entire family consists of solely good genes.

The flight was excruciatingly long and a bit uncomfortable. Harry taught me as much as he could about his family, and we both complained about the hernia we were getting from our bad seats. Nevertheless, we both attempted to sleep, and I accidentally dozed off while leaning on his shoulder.

One of Harry's cousins, Matthew, picked us up at the airport. He was particularly fascinated with my existence, almost as much as I was with his accent. I love English accents, I could listen to them for hours on end.

Matthew led us to our room in the Villa and gave Harry a pat on the back before leaving us alone to unpack and get ready to meet the family.

"He's nice." I note, throwing my backpack on the Queen sized bed we have in this room.

"He's a little shit." Harry chuckles, earning a furrowed brow from me. He waves it off, literally, and sits himself on the bed. "You'll see."

We stay fairly quiet for the rest of the time, unpacking our stuff and freshening up. Well, mainly me, because Harry doesn't have to do half the things I do to look good. It's so much easier being a man.

I shoo Harry out of our bedroom and put on a long, brown dress with a wide slit and some floral print on it. As soon as I've changed, I open the door to the bathroom so he knows it's okay for him to walk back in. When he does walk back in, we both catch each other off guard.

While he is analyzing the dress that is currently clinging to my body, I'm gawking at his shirtless chest. My cheeks start to heat up when I realize that I'm staring, but luckily Harry doesn't notice because he's too busy staring at me. Then, he clears his throat.

"Nice dress."

"Thank you." I throw him a small smile.

It doesn't take long for Harry to get dressed and soon enough we are walking from our room to the villa, where the welcome dinner will be held, or at least that's what it said on the card that Harry handed to me on the plane.

We sit down at our assigned seats at one of many round tables. I don't miss the name tags of Harry's parents, and I'm glad to find that Matthew will also be sitting at our table. It will make things a bit less nerve racking.

Harry places his hand on the small of my back as he guides me to his mother. He looks just like her, and by the warm smile on her face, I realize that it probably won't be as bad as I might think it would.

"Mum, this is Y/N. The girl I've told you about. She's my girlfriend." The words leave his mouth in a way that makes me think someone is holding a gun to his head, and I can tell that his mother thinks the same thing.

"I'm Sheila." She introduces herself, nonetheless. I can tell that she is skeptical of me, despite the warm smile on her face. I know it's a genuine one, but I know that she knows her son, and she'll see something is up if he doesn't get his act together.

"This is Tom." She turns to a tall man that I immediately recognize as Harry's father. He doesn't have a lot of facial features from his dad, except for the nose, that is exactly the same. But the way he carries himself, the way he extends his hand for me to shake, those are the aspects that make Harry identical to his father.

We chat with his parents for a little, telling our wonderfully fake story of how we met. Tom keeps nodding but doesn't seem fully convinced. Not because he doesn't believe it, but probably because of the girl he'd rather have his daughter be with; the reason I'm here in the first place. Sheila remains skeptical, but that is just because she can see right through Harry.

So when his parents leave to get some food from the buffet, I'm quick to swat his arm.

"Ow!" He hisses at me.

"You're a terrible actor, do you know that? Your mom is totally on to us!" I say in a soft tone, but it doesn't discredit my disapproval.

"I'm sorry okay! It's hard to lie to her." He responds, and the confession makes my heart melt a little.

I let him off with a roll of the eyes and we join the queue for the buffet. During dinner, Matthew promotes himself to main entertainer of our table by telling countless of stories about him and Harry and all of their antics from back in the days. Harry seems slightly embarrassed sometimes, but he finds it funny nonetheless.

In an attempt to make me and Harry seem like more of a real couple, I take it upon myself to touch him during dinner. Just casual touching. Some hand-holding—above the table so everyone can see of course—and the occasional leg rub. It's only halfway through dinner that Harry finally initiates some touches to, and I have to bite my inner lip at the way his hand feels wrapped around my thigh.

After dinner, a few tables are removed in order to create a dance floor. People are quick to get on it, but Harry refuses to come along with me. Matthew doesn't let the opportunity to bust a move pass, so I leave my purse with Harry and get on the dance floor with him.

We have a big laugh, Matthew and I. He spins me around an absurd amount of times, dramatically dances the tango with me while a pop song is playing, and throws out some moves that I haven't seen since I played Just Dance when I was eight years old.

After a while I decide to retire from the dance floor and get a drink. Matthew offers to accompany me, and for a second I contemplate whether I should say yes. Then I figure, he is a part of Harry's family and I need as many of them on my side for this whole act to be believable, plus I'll be able to get Harry a drink.

We walk over to the bar and order our drinks, Matthew is quick to spark up a conversation as we wait for our beverages.

"How long have you been together again?" He asks, looking over at me with a smirk.

"A month, officially." I reply, and he raised his brows in surprise.

"Only a month, huh?"

"Like I said, officially." I tilt my head, a mischievous smile on my face. He leans over in my direction, with eyes ready to play, and I immediately start to wonder if the head tilt was too flirty instead of funny and playful.

"And unofficially?"

"Almost three months." I divert my eyes back to the drinks that are put in front of me, and thank the bartender.

"Is it serious? Between you two?" He asks, and I don't like the glint of desperation in his voice. Is this what Harry meant, when he said 'you'll see'? Is this guy seriously trying to hit on his cousin's date?

"Well, I cancelled spring break plans with my family, so I sure hope it is." I flash him a smile before taking the drinks and walking back to Harry.

He's sitting alone, despite most every seat around him being taken. Not talking to anyone, not on his phone, just staring into the nothingness. When I approach, he's thrown out of his trance and his eyes follow me instead as I make my way to him and hand over his drink.

"Whiskey on the rocks." I tell him. He smiles at me, putting the glass on the table and grabbing my now free hand. His legs are spread, so he pulls me closer until I'm standing in between them. He looks up at me, and the sole color of his eyes makes my hands sweat profusely.

"Are you having fun?" He asks, his head tilting just like mine did a few seconds ago.

"I am," I say, looking around a bit. "But my legs are a bit tired... Is there a free chair behind you?"

I squint at something that looks like a chair, but I can't really make it out from this angle. When Harry doesn't respond, I look down at him, and find that he was already looking at me. He grabs my waist and pushes me in a bit. Confused, I let my body follow his silent demands, and watch him sit up straighter before pulling me onto his lap.

My back leans against the table, and my legs are thrown over his left one. I hold my drink in my right hand while my left is slung over his shoulder for 'support'. My cheeks flush at the realization that my ass is right on his groin, but I try to make it seem as if it doesn't affect me at all. He holds my waist with his right arm, tracing his fingers around in a way that makes my body shiver.

My eyes fly to my left thigh when he puts his other hand on it, and I try to steady my breathing as much as humanly possible while the tingling sensation between my legs becomes too adamant for me to ignore. The low chuckle that leaves Harry's mouth isn't missed by me, and it makes me even more nervous. He notices, and strikes up a conversation about the party, his family and Matthew.

"He asked me how long we've been official." I decide to tell him. Harry finds it amusing.

"Really?" He smiles. "The fucker."

"What?" I ask, not really understanding how that question adds up to him being a fucker.

"He wants you, been eye fucking you ever since he met you." He explains. "He has a thing for unavailable people, especially if they're unavailable because of me."

"So he just steals your girlfriends? Or at least, tries to?" I clarify, eyes wide, and Harry nods. "How have you not been in thousands of fights already?"

"Never really cared about it." He shrugs. "Most girls were just flings or one night stands, it wasn't anything serious, really."

"Wow." I laugh in disbelief, and it makes me wonder if maybe he is going to let Matthew hit on me. After all, we're faking this. It shouldn't be relief that I feel when Harry's grip on me tightens as soon as Matthew approaches us once again, but I do, I feel relieved. A little bit giddy too.

"Hey, wanna go for a round two?" Matthew asks me after greeting us both. I'm about to decline his offer, but I don't get a chance to speak.

"She's busy." Harry says in a tone that makes my head turn to him. His eyes don't look as friendly as they did before, and the warm smile on his face is looking a little bit more cynical. Matthew takes the hint and wanders off, a bit of disappointment on his face.

"Wow, you really nailed that 'jealous boyfriend' act." I tease him, my left hand instinctively trailing to the back of his head, where I start playing with his hair. He rolls his eyes, pulling me even more into him. I shift in his lap a bit, placing my drink on the table and grabbing his glass instead.

"Here." I hand it to him. "You haven't drank anything since dinner."

"Wow, you're really nailing that 'caring girlfriend' act." He reconstructs my words, and I roll my eyes accordingly. He drinks nonetheless, and I snatch the glass from him, take my cocktail back in my hand, and turn to him again. I frown when his nails dig into my skin.

"Don't move so much."

My cheeks instantly flush. Right...

I am usually way more confident when it comes to flirting. I know exactly what to say, when to say it and how to flutter with my eye lashes in those ways that make men want to drag you to their bedroom. I can flirt with everyone, I'm not easily impressed. Well, except with Malcolm of course, but that was just because I had a crush him. I act like an idiot around people I have a crush on. But I don't. I don't have a crush on Harry. I hated him until a few weeks ago– no. Until a few days ago. I started tolerating him on the plane. Yes, the plane. Oh god, the plane.

"I–" I start a sentence, looking him dead in the eye while realizing that I didn't have something to finish it with. His green eyes along with the feeling of whatever I shouldn't be feeling while sitting on his lap is making me dizzy. "I'm gonna go get a drink."

I try to wiggle out of my seat — which is his lap, oh my god — but Harry seems to find this whole situation very amusing, because for some reason he tightens his grip around me — pushing me more into his hard-on —then nods at the full glass in my hand.

"I think you're good, love." He gives me a half-smirk like I've only seen those guys in the romance movies do and I don't like how it makes my heart pound. What the fuck is happening to me right now?

I look at him, trying to come up with some kind of response that doesn't end up with me sounding like an absolute moron, and then I get lost in his eyes. The loud music fades, and the only thing I can seem to focus on are his eyes and his left hand that grazes further up the slit of my dress. It's only inches, and he trails painfully slow, but he keeps going because he waits for my reaction and it's positive. He can tell by the look in my eyes, and by the way my grip on his hair is a bit too tight.

The tips of his fingers are dangerously close to my panties, and all of a sudden, the music becomes louder again and I feel like I'm waking up from a sinful dream. I swing my legs off of his and get up, my drink almost spilling because of the sudden action. I quickly place it on the table.

"Pee." I say, partly to myself and partly to Harry. "I'm going to... pee."

Harry looks a bit surprised, but more in a way that makes him laugh. I don't miss how his head shakes a bit before giving me a permissive hum. I begin to walk away when I realize a crucial detail is missing, and so I saunter back over to Harry.

"Do you know where the bathrooms are?"

"No." He smirks.

"Oh. okay. Uhm..." I look around aimlessly, hoping to spot some kind of sign. But then, Harry gets up, and stands in front of me. He towers over me easily, it's intimidating and hot. Two things I need him not to be if I want to survive this wedding.

"D'you want to go back to the room?" He asks, voice gone a bit softer. I nod before I even realize that I am doing it, and Harry places a kiss on my temple. Grabbing my hand, he leads us towards the exit, waving goodbye to his parents before we make our way back over to our bedroom.

The cobblestones define the pace of our footsteps, making a whole lot of noise to confirm us where we are. Not that I'd need those stones to find him—he's still holding my hand. I shrug it off, it's dark and he probably doesn't want me to fall face first into these little rocks.

Once we've arrived at our room, Harry walks into the place like it's his apartment, and he goes to occupy the bathroom almost immediately. I grab my white, floral pyjama set that I actually never wear because I like to wear an oversized t-shirt to bed and nothing more. But, I packed my suitcase with the knowledge that I was going to have to lay next to a man the whole week, so I only brought the cute stuff.

When Harry leaves the bathroom, some steam leaves along with him, and I quickly look away at the revelation that he is shirtless, again. I don't miss the amused sniff, but I ignore it nonetheless. I skip into the bathroom, lock it and take a very anticipated shower. A part of me hopes that the water would also wash this weird vibe off. Like if I got out and walked back into that bedroom, my hands wouldn't start to sweat at the sight of him on the bed.

Unfortunately, I am wrong. Because when I do leave the bathroom, not only do my hands start to sweat, but my heart also begins to pound. Fuck.

I'd actively been ignoring this ever since the party. This stupid feeling, thinking it was just me being touch deprived. But I'm not so sure now. Maybe I do have a crush on Harry. However, I can't afford to think about that too much now, so I shake it off and walk over to my side of the bed.

I throw a decorative pillow on the ground and climb into the bed, trying to act as if I don't notice Harry staring at me. He's on his phone, doing God knows what. I grab my book from the bed side table.

"Wuthering Heights, huh?" He smirks, and I can sense the pretentiousness from miles away. I look at him, then roll my eyes with a smile.

"Shut up, it's my favorite story."

"Why? Heathcliff is awful." He frowns, and his tone is a bit mocking. Not to me, just to the story. But it's my favorite story, so I take the offense.

"I just like the fact that it acknowledges that love can make you both whole and destroy you. That loving isn't always really the ending, or the solution. It can be a fleeting middle, break you in a thousand pieces and then leave it for you to pick up the pieces yourself."

"That's a bit pessimistic, innit?" He chuckles. I shrug.

"I think it's realistic to recognize that spite, anger, sadness, and revenge are almost always born out of love, or a lack of it. I think it's optimistic, actually."

He smiles. "Yeah?"

"Mhm." I hum. "Think it creates a space for empathy, does it not?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Harry frowns, as if I've just opened a new door for him. I smile at his face, full of contemplation over what I just said and I know that I'm inevitably screwed.

He should've bashed the freaking book so I could have a reason to hate him.

I decide that I won't be able to concentrate on anything anyway now that I have admitted these weird feelings to myself—and the subject of those feelings is laying next to me—so I shut the book and put it back on my nightstand. 

"Not reading after all?"

"Nope." I chime, my tone sounding way too forced. "Changed my mind. 'M gonna sleep."

I turn off the light on my bedside table and turn around to Harry who is still laying with his phone in his hands. It freaks me out that he is looking at me, it makes me so nervous, but I try my best to be cool.

"Good night." I sigh as my head hits the pillow. I finally look up at Harry—bad move—and my heart melts a bit at his sweet smile.

"Good night."

I am laying with my face towards Harry, mainly because I laid down like that and now I'm too scared to shift too much and look weird, but I feel Harry's burning gaze on me and frankly, it's making me feel incredibly tense. My heart is beating way quicker than it should and I have to consciously steady my breathing in order to provide my lungs with some oxygen.

"Harry." I finally say after three more minutes of tense silence, eyes still closed. He hums softly. "I can feel you looking at me."

I open my eyes, because suddenly I'm very afraid that I'm wrong and look like a complete fool, but he is indeed still staring. He doesn't look like a dear in headlights, he's just smiling. There is a sense of comfort in him that I envy, especially because I feel like I could explode right now.

"Yeah, well, you're nice to look at." He answers, making my cheeks flush with embarrassment. I quickly dart my eyes to his body so I won't have to meet his confrontational gaze — bad idea, bad idea! — and quickly find that staring at his body isn't going to help my case any more.

"Am I making you nervous?" He asks softly, in a way that you could almost describe as sweet. But it isn't, because I know he's reveling in this.

Out of instinct, I look up at him, wide eyed at the fact that he read my mind and my body so well. But I cannot afford this—whatever it is that is hanging in the air right now—so I shake my head.

"Nope, just frustrated." I sigh, which is more a way to get my breathing back to normal. I pull myself up and turn around, my back now towards him, and hope to have closed the conversation for tonight. There is some shuffling from the other side and for a moment I think I did it, I think I won, but then I feel a hand sneak around my bare waist and my mind turns into jelly.

I suck in a sharp breath at the touch of his cold hand and the heat of his mouth on my ear, and swallow a whine at the way it's making my head spin.

"Do you need me to help you relax?" He whispers, and I suck in a deep breath.

"I– I need to sleep." I attempt to reason — mainly with myself — and Harry just chuckles.

"I can think of a way to tire you out." He insinuates smugly and I clench my jaw at his stupid charisma and how well it's working on me.

"Harry, I can't..." I begin the sentence, even though I have no logical argument to say no right now. I want him, really bad but a part of me is forbidding it for reasons unknown, which makes me want it even more. You know what they say about forbidden fruit...

"What? Would you rather be with my cousin? Have him get you off, hmm?" He asks a bit condescendingly, which makes me think the jealous act maybe wasn't such an act after all. His thumb is now circling over my hips and it's making me dizzy, which is exactly what he's trying to do to me.

"No–"

"No?" He plays dumb. His hand lowers to my pyjama shorts and starts playing with it's elastic band. My stomach is on fire and my pussy is aching, it's getting too much for me to brush off. I can't not get off, it's going to kill me. I need life support.

"No!" I whine. He chuckles, kisses my ear lobe.

"That's right... you came to me when he started hitting on you. Such a good, sweet, loyal girl. Sitting on my lap so nicely. Making me so fucking hard..." He taunts, and I start squirming under his touch.

"Harry..." I cry out, because frankly, I can't take another second of this torture. I'm about to implode if he doesn't touch me where I need it between now and twenty seconds.

"What is it sugar?" I can quite literally hear his grin and I groan at the irritating pet name. I grab his arm and try to get out from under his touch, but his grip only tightens on me and he pulls me back into him, cock pressed against my ass. He hums disapprovingly.

"No, feel what you did to me." He leans over to look at me and when our eyes catch, I think my heart malfunctions. "'S not very nice, now is it?"

I shake my head, biting my lip nervously. His eyes dart from mine to my mouth as he breaths out a 'fuck', and he wipes some hair out of my face with his free hand.

He pulls his body away from mine and for a moment I feel like I could cry, but he distracts me by laying me on my back and throwing the sheets off our bodies. He then quickly slips his hand in my pants, grazing his fingers over my underwear.

I look at him, desperately waiting for his next move while he studies my body with a light frown. My eyes go to his sweatpants, and see the straining bulge that hides in it. I go to touch him, offer him some release too but he swats my hand away. The stern look on his face gives me shivers.

"I didn't say you could touch me, now did I?" He states, rubbing his middle finger over my clit, and I curse my underwear for being the only thing that stands in the way of his real touch. Nevertheless, I moan, because he could literally blow on my underwear and I would come right then and there.

"'M sorry." I say softly, shifting when Harry starts to pull down my shorts and underwear. He inspects me, or at least that's what it looks like, and a grin grows on his face.

"I think you'll make it up to me just fine." He beams and starts to circle my clit, causing my hips to shoot up in surprise. He chuckles softly.

"Does that feel good, baby?" He asks and I nod immediately. My eyes begin to feel heavy and I don't know for how much longer I will be able to keep going.

"Harry, slow down or I'm gonna..." I can't get the sentence out because he only starts rubbing faster, and my eyes shut permanently.

"Yeah? You gonna come for me already?" Harry taunts, and I bite my lip to steady the volume of the moans that are leaving my mouth.

"Ah! Oh my– Harry!" I try to sound angry but it's really just me moaning his name very aggressively and the realization that it's his fingers on my clit right now is what sends me over the edge. The explosion feels overdue, and it washes away all the unnecessary tension I'd been feeling since I started fake dating Harry. And now I realized; it was probably sexual frustration.

I close my eyes, trying to control my breathing as well as I possibly can. My legs are shaking and I can feel Harry hovering over me. His body heat warms my cheeks as he hangs over me, leaning on the bed with one arm, holding my face with the other.

"Open your eyes baby." He says softly, and it makes my heart flutter. I am in deep, deep trouble. I do as he says, my eyes meeting his, and the smile on his face makes me feel like I'll melt through the bed.

"You okay?" He asks, stroking my cheek. I nod, head still woozy but not wanting us to stop any time soon.

"I'm okay." I give him verbal confirmation, knowing it's what he needs from me. He kisses my temple, whispers 'good girl' in my ear and moves away from my face.

As soon as I have my breathing a bit under control, my hands reach for his sweatpants, but he Harry grabs my wrists and pushes me away. I frown, and I have to admit that my ego is a bit hurt. I feel like he can see it in my face, because he is quick to explain.

“Believe me I would love to, but another night, okay? Tonight was just for you.”

I can quite literally feel my entire body melt at his words, and it doesn’t help when he gets off the bed and helps me up so I can go to the bathroom.

After I’m done and enter the room again, he is sat up straight at the edge of the bed, and looks at me expectantly. I shoot him an awkward smile and get back into bed. He does the same and we lay silently in the dark for a while.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to…?” I can’t help but ask, feeling like I should return the favor, and still insecure about the fact that he doesn’t want me to.

“Patience, sugar.” He says lowly, and my heart thuds at the kiss I feel being planted on my forehead. The amount of calm I feel is unmatched, and it makes me very sleepy.

“Whatever you say, hot stuff…”

Part 3

[cnestus]

i recently solved a fun little bug mystery at work and i thought it might be interesting to write up a step-by-step narrative of how i did so, as a sort of example of the kinds of things i get to do for my job. this is a stupidly long post because i have no editorial self-control so i'm putting the rest under a cut.

the above insect is a bark beetle, one of a series of 6 specimens i found in a drawer at work. they did not have species labels on them, and the collection labels indicated that they were collected in 1997 from "Chinese Cedrus used for artifical christmas trees." the infested wood had been intercepted and the beetles collected and pinned, but whoever was working in the lab at the time wasn't able to suss out the species, which is extremely reasonable because even IDing american bark beetles to species can be a massive pain in the ass, let alone ones from asia.

the beetles were clearly in the genus Phloeosinus based on the shape of the antennae and the large spines on the elytral declivity (the ass area), and whoever pinned them at least got them that far themselves, but determining the actual species was going to be a lot harder. even american beetles in this genus can be devilishly hard to confidently ID to species since they often look alike and also are quite morphologically variable in ways the bleed into each other. they are pretty cool though and those ass spines are usually critical in species-level identification

btw since i'm going to be writing out this word a lot in this post, it's pronounced roughly as "flea-o-sign-us" if you're curious.

determining bark beetle species is often made much easier by knowing what tree the beetle came out of since most bark beetles (but not ambrosia beetles, which are also scolytid/scolytine beetles but a whole other can of worms grubs) are highly host-specific, usually being adapted to only a certain tree species or genus or small group of related genera.

so Cedrus is the genus for eurasian cedar trees, and there is one species of Cedrus native to china, Cedrus deodara, but that seems like an odd choice of plant to harvest and send to america for artificial christmas tree trunks. most actual Cedrus species are from the mediterranean area. however there are also some chinese trees in the cypress family Cupressaceae (+Taxodiaceae) that are called cedars, and in fact most species of Phloeosinus are exclusively found in trees in this family. one likely species is Cunninghamia lanceolata, traditionally called "chinese fir" despite not being a fir but also more recently marketed as "chinese cedar" because that's how common names for species go.

oh and there is also the tree Toona sinensis in the family Meliaceae that's ALSO sometimes called "chinese cedar" for some reason but more importantly also called "beef and onion plant" lmao, but that was an even worse candidate for an artificial christmas tree trunk and also not a known host for the beetles. easily discounted but i had a laugh.

so my first angle of attack was to assume that the collection labels were correct and the beetles were in fact from a Cedrus tree. i was able to find a list of about a half dozen Phloeosinus species known to attack Cedrus cedars, but none of them were native to china. this would most likely mean that one of the mediterranean species had been transplanted to china for cultivation, which is entirely plausible. after digging though a bunch of literature i wasn't able to find a good key for Phloeosinus species in the entire area i wanted, but found a couple regional keys covering geographic ranges that when combined covered about what i wanted. for non-biologists, this is what a species key looks like:

sort of a choose your own adventure kind of thing but for determining a creature's true identity. anyway none of the results i got from these keys led to species who's descriptions matched the one that i had. i should also mention that my specimens had a rather distinctive feature unlike any other Phloeosinus species i'd ever seen before, which was an elytral vestiture consisting of these really funky little black explanate scales:

most Phloeosinus species have some kind of vestiture on their elytra but all the ones i'm familiar with have the hairs and scales light-colored and never shaped anything like this, so i figured that the description of the correct species would surely mention these scales.

so anyway dissatisfied with this avenue, i decided that the next most likely option is that whoever made the labels for the specimens was told that they had come from "chinese cedar" by the importer and had just assumed that meant Cedrus but it was actually one of the cypress family cedars. again most of the described species do in fact use Cupressaceae as hosts.

so next i found this UN report with a (hopefully) comprehensive list of all non-EU bark and ambrosia beetle species that attacked conifer trees. i culled from that a list of Phloeosinus species listed as coming from "asia." since that was too broad of an area, i then looked up all of these species in the species catalogues listed in the report, mostly Alonso-Zarazag et al (2007), though some were also listed in Wood and Bright (1992) or Bright and Skidmore (2002), which i happen to have physical copes of. from these i could narrow the list down to just species found in china.

now things became difficult because there are no keys to chinese Phloeosinus, or at least none in english. also even just written descriptions of many of these species were impossible to find because they were all written like 60-100 years ago and usually in chinese or german or french and had never been translated or uploaded anywhere online. likewise almost none of them had research-grade (or any) photos anywhere online.

so after hours of fruitless digging, the best i could come up with was a guide to scolytine beetles of korea (PDF link), which contained a key with a handful of the species on my list and did include english descriptions of these. now one of the species in the guide, P. perlatus, IS DESCRIBED as having dark scales, and my specimens did seem to land on that species when i ran them through the key. that's promising! and the hosts were on my list of possible non-Cedrus chinese cedars! also promising! buuuut something just didn't sit right with me. parts of the species description in that paper just didn't seem to quite match my specimens, like for example the size was a little off, described as being 2.4-3.4mm long, while all of mine were in the 3.3-3.6 range. plus the photos of the species, while distressingly low-resolution, just didn't look like mine.

okay so that was dissatisfying. i'd managed to whittle down my list of suspects a good deal from what little scraps of information i could find about them through my sleuthing, either the wrong hosts or the ones that did have english descriptions available online like in that korean guide didn't fit, but i was still left with several possible candidates and no way to narrow it down further, of course this all assuming that the beetles i had on my hands even were a species that had been scientifically described and named. bark beetles are a huge group of critters and many are quite understudied, especially in asia, and a bunch of new species are described every year!

i was about ready to just give up, but then by coincidence i had a reason to email a couple of high-level bark beetle researchers about a different beetle mystery i was also working on, which was in a group that they were the authorities on. on a whim, i mentioned my Phloeosinus conundrum to them to see if they had any ideas and they recommended i contact Dr. Roger Beaver. yeah, i know right? fucking kickass name i'm so jealous. sidenote: it's so funny how many bark beetle researchers have extremely appropriate names, like two of the biggest names in the field are Steve Wood and Dave Wood. no relation.

so anyway i contacted Dr Beaver, who had done some research on east asian Phloeosinus in the past and he was kind enough to send me an unpublished provisional key to chinese species that he had written up a few years ago. using that key, i ended up at "P. pertuberculatus (?=sinensis)" which means that there was some suspicion that P. pertuberculatus and P. sinensis were the same species, just described and named independently by two different entomologists (Hans Eggers and Karl Eduard Schedl respectively), as often happened, especially in the glory days of insane 18th-20th century european entomologists describing literally thousands of new species during their careers.

now these two species WERE both on my final list of suspects of chinese Phloeosinus species that hadn't otherwise been eliminated for one reason or another, and both had Cunninghamia "cedar" trees as known hosts. Dr Beaver was then kind enough to scan and send me the original descriptions of these two species:

which i was able to use google translate on:

not the nicest translation but still an admirable attempt on google's part to deal with all the entomological jargon, and most importantly the description of the elytral scales on P. sinensis definitely seems to match my specimens more than the pertuberculatus. plus i found a paper on taiwanese bark beetles (PDF) coauthored by Dr Beaver that had a (also distressingly low-resolution) photo of pertuberculatus that didn't seem to match my specimens:

aaand finally: i'd been trying for days to access the webpage of a chinese museum that popped up as the only notable result on a google image search for P. sinensis but every time the website would time out and the cached version of the image was too small to make out any details on, but it finally occurred to me this evening that the reason was probably because my work computer or work wifi was just automatically blocking chinese websites because of america's insane paranoia about chinese spying, and sure enough i opened it up on my home computer and it fucking worked!

that's a pretty fucking bang-on match for my specimens! the scales look right, the color is right, the size is right, the ass bumps are right, the host is right, the geography is right, and the translated description otherwise seems to match! here's mine again so you don't have to scroll all the way up:

so i'm calling this 26-year mystery solved! not all of the bug puzzles i've worked on have had as meandering of a path to their conclusion as this, but i thought that this one did display a good number of the different methods i use. the biggest thing that was missing was me wandering into my lab's massive library of old dusty entomology journals stretching back over a century and digging out some old article that never got scanned and put online, as often happens, but in this case since the bugs were asian and out library mostly covers north american entomology that wasn't going to be very fruitful.

hopefully this was interesting to... somebody besides myself. if you've read this far and weren't bored to tears then congratulations you probably have the same kind of brain damage as me!

[misc-obeyme]

Solomon Alone

Okay I am having some health issues, but I've been feeling pretty good today. And since I have some energy, I'm also kind of on a roll with writing tonight. I don't think I've ever posted two things in one day, but hey I'm just gonna go with it.

It's another Solomon story because I'm obsessed with him. This is a pretty short one about how he might be feeling after Lesson 12. This is assuming he doesn't have ulterior motives or anything.

It's a bit different from my usual fluff... I would say this one is all angst, but listen I don't question my muse when that slacker finally shows up.

Solomon x GN!MC

Warnings: Hurt/angst and SPOILERS for Lesson 12 of Nightbringer

Solomon watched as you lost consciousness. He heard himself asking Thirteen what to do, heard her say she couldn't help. He heard the brothers crying out your name, hoping you would somehow wake up. He saw the look of anguish on Lucifer's face, even as he held the grimoire that you had handed over to him.

Through a fog, Solomon helped the demons bring you out of the reaper's cave. When they were prepared to bring you back to Cocytus Hall, he told them to take you to the House of Lamentation instead. He convinced them that you would be most comfortable in the spare room there.

And Solomon went back to Cocytus Hall alone. He walked through it in a daze, not at all registering the environment around him. His mind was fully occupied by the sight of you falling to the ground, struck by the magic of the fountain.

When Satan came to talk to him about researching curses, Solomon listened. He agreed to help Satan look through all of the books they could find on the subject. It was a welcome distraction. It slowly pulled him out of the fog that had clouded his mind. He spent hours and hours reading through those books. All day and all night, he tried to find the answer to what had happened to you.

Because now that he was thinking a little more clearly… wasn't all of this his fault?

Solomon was the one who brought you to Thirteen's cave, to the Fountain of Knowledge. If he hadn't done that, if you hadn't been there when you made that promise, then you would still be awake right now.

That guilt was something he couldn't afford to think about too much. He threw himself into the research to prevent it from crushing him entirely. Not now, not while you still needed him.

He could face the shame of what he had done when you were awake again. He knew he would have to. He wouldn't be able to look into your eyes or see your brilliant smile without also feeling the heaviness of knowing he had caused your suffering.

It was easier with you resting at the House of Lamentation. He must have known that subconsciously when he convinced the brothers to take you there. He knew each of them would be spending time by your side, taking care of you. It allowed him to stay away so he could focus on fixing the mess he'd made.

It was only one of the many reasons he had sent you with them, though. The fact was, there were seven of them and only one of him. He couldn't take care of you the way they could. He could try to give you everything he had, give you all of his love, all of his knowledge, every part of him. And still they would always be able to give you more.

Solomon was sure you'd have an opinion on his thoughts if you were here to express them. Even so he felt himself reverting back to being nothing more than your teacher. You were his adorable apprentice and he would always be proud of you. He would do all he could to make sure you knew the magic you needed to survive and thrive in the Devildom and the human world.

He would teach you all he could no matter what, but he knew he couldn't hold onto you forever.

Solomon sat alone in his room at Cocytus Hall. A room you had poked your head into to ask him about this or that. A place where you sometimes looked for him to talk to him about your day or ask him questions about things that were on your mind.

It seemed like anywhere he went in the hall, there you were. The ghostly memory of you, standing in the kitchen making breakfast or sitting in an overstuffed chair in the library, reading. He saw you everywhere and the reality of your absence pulsed through his bones, settling into a dull ache. He was so good at ignoring this pain while he worked, it was days before he admitted to himself just how much he missed you.

And while working and researching was the only thing that was keeping him from falling into that pain, there was a little voice of doubt in the back of his mind. He couldn't help having the suspicion that your curse would break without him. That it didn't matter how much time he spent going through piles of books, that in the end it would be your tie to the brothers that would wake you up.

That once again, he would only be able to stand by and watch as magic beyond his control altered you and your life.

More than anything, Solomon was afraid that he couldn't save you.

masterlist | Thank you for reading!

[haeresysabound]

A certain cutscene has been circling about on Twitter again, specifically in regards to the fairytale Nahida tells detailing Scaramouche's past as Kabukimono and the events that led to him joining the Fatui, which (perhaps unsurprisingly) got me thinking.

The way Nahida portrays Dottore is simply fascinating.

First of all, she notes that when he takes off his fox furs to stare at his own reflection, he "laments" that he is a monster and the foxes around him are incapable of seeing it. A interesting choice of word, that. "Laments." Not gloats, or crows, or cackles with sadistic glee. He laments - expresses grief and sorrow - that they are incapable of seeing him for what he truly is. She continues with his dialogue in saying that he pities them, yes, so he doesn't exactly hold remorse for his deception, but she clearly portrays him as having a sort of sadness that he cannot be accepted for who he is.

This fits in perfectly well with what we know of Dottore from his interactions within the Archon Questline itself. He does hold bitterness over the Akademiya's inability to accept his genius. He holds a sense of betrayal over being chased out of his hometown with pitchforks for being nothing more than a perfect example of Sumerian intellect. He understands that other people see him as a monster, but Dottore genuinely does not see himself that way and it bothers him.

He tells us in his Archon Quest that he has no intention of being rejected by his homeland for a third time. Dottore does not hate his nation. Not entirely. Some part of him would very much like to be acknowledged by it. He does not strive for rejection; he genuinely seeks acceptance.

Which leads to the next interesting part of Nahida's fairytale: she claims that he finds "solace" in the arrival of Kabukimono; someone he considers to be an outsider like him. Dottore has already accepted that people do not consider him to be a human and that they will only ever see him as a monster, yet he isn't entirely happy about it. He still seeks kinship. He finds comfort in knowing that someone else is as much of a freak as he is - someone who looks human believably enough, but clearly isn't.

I'm in no way entirely saying that Dottore had any desire to befriend Kabukimono, nor that he only ever had positive intentions for him. What I am saying, however, is that Dottore clearly did feel better when he wasn't the only 'monster' among the humans. Someone who was equally as unlikely to be accepted; someone who could, perhaps, understand his world view. Kabukimono was an outcast of humanity as well. Wouldn't that be wonderful, to be outcasts together? To know that he wasn't entirely alone even in his monstrosity?

To find comfort in knowing that he wasn't the only person to exist utterly incapable of being accepted for who he is?

Except, as the fairytale goes on, Kabukimono is accepted. He isn't a fox - he is evidently different; Nahida points out his slim tail compared to the foxes' bushy tails and obviously presents him as a kitten in a clear comparison to humanity that Dottore isn't afforded - yet the foxes overlook those flaws. They overlook the things that make him different and accept him for what he is.

There's a difference here, of course. Dottore is still pretending to be a fox; Kabukimono never pretended to be anything else. It was always going to be easier for the humans in the actual timeline to accept Kabukimono because he wasn't hiding. But clearly, that didn't matter.

Again, I'm not saying that Dottore did everything that followed because of this event. He was at the furnace for a reason and it was highly unlikely to conclude in any other way. But there is something exceptionally personal about the way he ends up enacting the actual plan that definitely would not have happened had Kabukimono not been there.

Because Nahida's fairytale continues by explaining that Dottore is "furious at the happy resolution".

This is the part I find most fascinating. Dottore is furious that Kabukimono finds acceptance. Something that isn't even human is accepted when he, who has always been human, is incapable of being understood and seen and accepted the way he wants to be. But it's more than that. It's the realisation that he is being forced back into solitude. He doesn't have that kinship anymore. There is no longer someone who could possibly understand his worldview. All of the comfort Dottore previously found in Kabukimono's existence is torn away from him so quickly.

At this point, Dottore knows he won't be accepted by humanity. He's already been branded a monster. If he took off the disguise, he wouldn't be welcomed as Kabukimono was; he would be chased away yet again. So copying Kabukimono's approach isn't possible.

What is possible, however, is ensuring that Kabukimono will never accept or be accepted by humanity ever again... which makes it much easier to later recruit him into the Fatui - not as a singular experiment for Dottore's own purpose, but as a comrade. A very purposeful word choice Dottore himself uses when musing aloud to Pierro about his success at the furnace.

The way Nahida portrays Dottore in the fairytale suggests that there's a lot more to him and the things he does than the inherently logical and sadistic mad-doctor curiosity that he more openly expresses. We've already seen it before, in small form, and I've talked about that before as well, but the fairytale takes it to a level beyond what we know from the Archon Quests.

Dottore is human. He seeks acceptance, doesn't understand why he won't be accepted, and is evidently bothered by it. He enjoys not being the only 'monster' in the world. He dislikes it when that kinship is taken away from him, so he takes it back - almost in a reflection of his own acceptance into the Fatui.

And I just think it's neat to see the layers in his character presented this way from the Archon of Knowledge herself.

(Also, not entirely related to the fairytale itself, but I noticed this as I was watching both the fairytale cutscene and the Niwa-Escher cutscene for dialogue, so I wanted to include it as well:

Clearly, Dottore does have an interest in Kabukimono as an experiment. That's essentially his whole point. His conversation with Niwa shows as much; the moment he actually met Kabukimono, he was already planning a way to use the furnace as a step towards obtaining Kabukimono for the purposes of his experiment. But there is something interesting that he mentions - two things, actually - that show the truth within the fairytale portrayal of Dottore.

One is that he thinks it is inevitable for Kabukimono to lose his innocence as humans will always use - and fail to accept - one that is not 'our own kind'.

Two is that he ponders whether gaining Niwa's heart will turn Kabukimono human... before declaring that it's "quite impossible".

Even in reality, Dottore sees himself as human. He accepts that other people see him as a monster - even encourages Niwa to do so out of respect for the man to lighten the blow of falling into Dottore's carefully laid trap - but he does not see himself as anything other than human. At the same time, he doesn't believe that non-human beings are capable of becoming human. Just as the fairytale implies, Dottore doesn't believe that he will ever be accepted by people who don't already see him as human.

I just think it's interesting to think about.)

[alittlebitofloveliness]

I’ve always loved the idea of Buck accidentally developing a fatherly relationship with Dallas because imagine being a Cowboy kinda guy in the 1960s and finding some rat stealing from your pantry and then whoops, that’s your new son! You’re stuck with him! You love him and you will be gutted when he inevitably gets himself killed because no one can take the wild out of an animal, especially not you and you are very aware of this!

I'm not going to lie, with all the awesome headcanons and lore being created about Buck I am SUPER conflicted about my take on him. I think having him act as a fatherly or older brotherly figure to Dallas in an alternate universe would add some really interesting depth to his character and offer a bit more insight into his motivation for doing and saying certain things. HOWEVER, that said, I think within the canon universe I couldn't really ever see Buck that way and there's a few reasons for that. For one, in the little we see from Buck we know that he displays none of Dallas' gallantry, and that he's weak. Canon Dallas would abhor that weakness, and we know he uses it to his advantage, bullying Buck to get what he wants. Even PONY knows this is a hallmark of his character as he 'bullies' Buck into going to get Dallas after Johnny stabs Bob. We also know that Dallas has a dad that wouldn't care if he died and that it 'doesn't bother him'- I can't see canon Dallas forming a father/son bond with someone only a few years his senior, or really anyone at all (remember, it was the Curtis' MOM he was canonically close to, not their dad). Finally, if we establish Buck as a fatherly/brotherly influence in Dally's life we lose some of the 'shown not told' elements of his character. Dally lives alone in rented room in a (heavily implied to be) illegal bar at seventeen years old, and he is stuck in this dangerous environment BECAUSE he is entirely self sufficient and has to take care of himself. Dally living at Buck's has always been (in my eyes) a way to further establish him as wilder and more dangerous than the rest of the Curtis gang and Tulsa hoods.

SIGH. Now I'm done yapping I can explore the fun world in your ask because it really DOES offer some fun headcanons/character work. Sooooo, here's some headcanons:

-Buck is (as we know) a cowboy, and he first establishes a connection with Dallas because he just unconciously treated him like a horse he was trying to tame and lo and behold it worked

-Dally only rides in the rodeos because BUCK talked to the higher ups and got him a chance at the position. It made Buck even more mad when Dally wouldn't help him fix the races

-Buck isn't sure if Dally is completely sane because he's seen one too many violent outbursts or mental breakdowns but it doesn't bother him much, because there's a lot of folks from the east side who aren't completely right in the head. What DOES scare him is the look in Dally's eyes sometimes when he pulls out his switch

-Dally is the only 'tenant' of Bucks that Buck ever drags back to their room when they pass out drinking at the bar (Dally is convinced he's just good at taking care of himself when he's blackout drunk. He isn't, but Buck isn't gonna be the one to tell him.)

-Buck looks out for Johnny because Dally looks out for Johnny, and Dallas might go full crazy if anything happened to the kid

-After Dally died, Buck hosted a party that lasted three days and nights until the fuzz finally shut it down (it was easier to drink and party than to think about the blond haired asshole Buck had grown to love)

-Buck is the only person besides Johnny who ever saw a softer side of Dally, and it wasn't because Dally was soft with HIM but the hoods' eyes were calm and his face almost happy whenever he went with Buck to the stables to groom the horses

thanks for the ask xx

[jeanbie]

WORDLESS #5 ★ masterlist.

pairing: levi x reader

genre: sugar daddy & contract killer au | warnings: implied violence, establishing feelings, mentions/references to john wick & the continental | wc: 6.8k

note: who expected me to actually finish this? (answer: no one) i'm so glad that i got to finish "wordless" and put these two losers in a place they deserve to be in! this chapter is the finale and also almost entirely from levi's pov, and this one flows in a chronological order :)

★ ch1. ch2. ch3. ch4. ch5

⏤ Sometimes, saying “I love you” is inappropriate, and given your circumstances, you think it might send Levi over the edge if he hears them again. But maybe he's ready now.

(41) Giving them space when they express wanting to have some time alone.

It’s been a hot second since Levi saw you — and it’s killing him more than he’d care to admit.

Since the blow up in the shower over girls he wasn’t fucking in the first place, Levi hasn’t heard from you, and he hasn’t made much of an effort to reach out either.

Why did he even lie? There was no benefit from telling you he was seeing other girls; the only reason he said that so often was to manage the healthy boundaries between you, to remind you not to get too close, to remind himself that being with you is a risk.

Not that pushing you away has made his life any easier. On the contrary, he thinks it’s made everything worse.

It is almost dehumanising to admit it to himself, but he misses you. Since your rather unconventional first meet — which was a far cry from any ‘meet cute’ that normal situationships had — Levi has been telling himself that the circumstances surrounding you being in his life were unique at best, and that you weren’t permanent.

But now, he lives his life around a ghost of your body, making room for you in his home, making time out of his schedule, making arrangements to keep you happy. 

Okay. Maybe it’s a little bit too late to acknowledge the feelings he has for you. Levi knows they’re there — he’s not an idiot. But making those feelings real is something he just can’t afford to do. Not yet. Not while there’s too much going on in his life.

Still, he stares longingly at the door every night when he staggers back home, as if hoping you might take him by surprise and crawl back into his arms. Not that you do, at least not for a while; not until Levi grows fed up of waiting and finds you first.

But for now, he’ll grant you he space that you need, the space you deserve. And in the meantime, he’ll try and make peace with the waging war in his head.

(42) Holding their hand while walking, even if there isn’t a crowd.

“This is nice.”

The neighbourhood Levi now lives in is much smaller than the last one. It pales in comparison to the condo it took forever to finally move out of, but having consistent security breaches just for a tiring view of the river didn’t feel worth it for Levi anymore. It made no difference to him if the apartment he all but owns for you is much farther away — you’re barely ever there, anyway.

Since putting his angst to rest, and since making it known to you that you’re quite literally the only woman he likes enough to keep buying houses for and invite over, things have been calm between you.

There’s still a strange unspoken thing, the remains of an agreement made out of convenience so long ago, to feed both the lust and pride Levi wanted and the safety you craved; but in general, Levi acknowledges that what he has with you right now feels like the closest thing he’s had to a partner in a long, long time.

Levi looks over at you, feeling your hand tighten in his as you cross a cute little park covered in flowery bushes and beds of tulips. 

“I’m glad my neighbourhood has your stamp of approval,” he replies, tightening his fingers around yours before pulling up slightly to stuff your joined hands into his pocket. Though it’s spring now, there’s still a bite in the air, a chill that Levi is determined to shelter you from.

“Technically,” you start, and Levi can predict, like a robot, what you’ll say next, and mouths the words as they fall from your lips, “it’s mine, too.” Your eyes turn piercing as you scowl at him, “Hey! Don’t…predictive text me.”

“Then stop being so predictable.”

“I think we spend too much time together,” you mutter, looking back at the flowerbed you’re currently passing by.

Levi scoffs to himself and playfully scratches a nail against the hand lodged in his pocket.

“Then go away,” he says. No chance, is what runs through his head, and the coy smile you flash him is as equally predictable as the word he knows you’ll say next, starting with n and ending in o.

(43) Holding shopping bags that are too heavy for them.

Ever since Levi figured out how to share locations, he’s become obsessed with watching you move around on the map on his phone. Numerous times, he’s slipped up on spending hours watching your little circle move, sometimes not even moving at all.

If you had any complaints, he hasn’t heard them, though he very much doubts that you’ll complain in the future now that his stalking has worked out in your favour.

You might have initially thought that bumping into Levi outside the supermarket was a rather delightful coincidence — that was until he moved across the city, and has no real business in your area unless it concerns you.

“Perfect timing,” you say once you see him crossing the small car park in your direction. He has half a mind to pretend he hasn’t seen you and keep walking, but watching you struggle with your shopping is painful enough.

He grunts, reaching for the bag that is squeezing the blood from your fingers. “Don’t get proud about it.”

Sniggering, you happily let Levi grab the overweight bags and fall into an even step beside him. 

“Why do you have so much stuff?” Levi huffs. To be fair, the bags aren’t that heavy, but he can’t see any reason for you to have bought so much considering you live at his house more often than you do your own. “You gonna share this shit?”

“If you want,” you reply. “You paid for it.”

His tongue clicks. Levi hasn’t paid you a penny since he last felt guilty about the fact he rarely paid you, despite that being the very foundation of your relationship in the first place, but even with what he paid you and hasn’t since that point, he knows your bank account is more than comfortable. Paying for all of this has barely made a dent, but that’s what the money’s there for.

He makes his way to his car pulled up outside the car park turning in a layby and struggles in his pocket for his keys.

“I live five minutes away,” you remind him, steps slowing. 

“No, you just said you’d share it, so we're going to mine.”

With a sigh, you’re left with no other choice but to follow him to his car. “You know, the romance of you carrying my bags is lost now you’ve only walked it to the car.”

Before he pops open the boot of the car, he turns to you and sneers, “You want me to walk back and let you do it yourself?”

There’s no argument to be had. You get into the car.

(44) Standing between them and a busy road.

Habits. Levi hates to keep track of how many he’s developed since you entered his life almost two years ago. Time has gone by so quickly since the day he first met you, in the worst way possible, but since then, he’s transformed into a whole new person, a whole new paranoid man who overthinks everything because there’s no other option.

His habits as of late include worrying about you whenever you’re not around — whenever he’s at work, he’ll think of you. Whenever he’s in a different city or country, Levi will obsessively worry over what you might be doing, who might be on your trail, scenting your every move while you’re vulnerable. Another habit includes feeling like an overbearing parent even when he’s in the same five mile radius, but at least he’s self aware of it.

If you’ve noticed Levi becoming more clingy, less like who he swore he’d never change from, you haven’t mentioned it yet. Perhaps a small mercy to save him the mortifying task of admitting that he has feelings stored away for you. 

Today, Levi has fallen victim to his habits of worry and has walked himself all the way to your university just to walk you all the way back home. His home, not yours. In a sense, your home, too. In an unspoken way.

Levi stands waiting for you in the overhang, gaze trained on the thick grey sky until he hears your class file out of the building in a chatter. Sasha is who he sees first, followed by another one of your friends he’s never met but has seen on Instagram once or twice, and then he sees you, looking thankfully in good spirits, and all too beautiful for your own good.

When you see him standing with his hands in his pockets, he allows himself the pleasure of pride when you break away from your friends just to join him, the smile on your face so genuine and radiant that he has to scoff in amusement.

“Hey, you,” you call, falling into his arms. 

“Hey, yourself.”

“I didn’t know you were coming today,” you confess, pulling away to stare curiously at his withdrawn expression. Levi is already twisting an arm around your waist to walk you down the step and across the lawn. “I told Sasha I’d go to her café and wait for her shift to end. Didn’t you have that thing today?”

“What thing?” he mutters.

“The thing with Erwin. And some deadbeat called George, or something.”

“How many Korean men do you know named George?” Levi deadpans, though his arm does tighten around you in caution. “You shouldn’t even know about that. How do you even know?”

The busy road widens into view as you leave the closed campus. Levi’s pretty much counting the days before you graduate and never have to come here again, and the time is passing strangely slow in that department. It feels like it’s been ages since you enrolled, and he wants nothing more than for you to leave and become the greatest journalist in the world — or whatever it is you even want to do when you’re done. 

As you walk, you lean into Levi’s side, furthering the distance between yourself and the road bustling with cars and buses. He frowns.

One of your habits since the accident on the bridge with your family had been to avoid busy roads, as if convinced something might happen again. You’ve told him numerous times that it’s irrational, but Levi doesn’t think so. It’s a very normal thing to feel afraid of everything, even when those things are a little on the unrealistic side.

Naturally, it results in Levi sliding his arm from around your waist and replacing it with his other one, positioning himself between you and the chaotic lines of commuting cars going home.

His heart flips when you smile at him for it, linking your arm around his while moving your waist out of his grip. Levi tries not to let it get to his head how much you trust him, how much he cares for you. But by the minute, he’s losing the will to keep it hidden.

(45) Rubbing the back of their hand with a thumb.

Back to habits, there are some that Levi has that he’s not particularly as proud of. But, as expected, you’re as good as it gets, and any habit he thinks he might have gotten away with hiding, somehow you pick up on it.

Levi flicks through a blueprint laying flat over his kitchen table, his hands nervously drumming the edge of the tabletop as he tries to memorise the elaborate labyrinth of a building he’ll be breaking into later to find his next hit. Usually, Levi has you at his home before and just after taking a job, just to eliminate the threat of you being hurt as a punishment. 

He wishes that the company gave you unrestricted entry and protection without him being there to clear it, but in order for that privilege, Levi needed to address you as his partner, which just felt like an even larger target on your head. So, he settles for his home, though the worry does not cease.

This building is riddled with passageways and vaults, basement levels with so many access points that studying them feels intense. One wrong recollection could come at the cost of his life, and at the minute, his life has increased in value. Things are finally going right for him, it would be a shame to have it all taken away from him again.

A text from Erwin sounds next to him, and Levi all but glances at the screen to see what’s happening. All assistance available should he need it — he almost sighs with relief at the words.

In the past, Levi had thought he could never work in cohorts with other hitmen, but becoming partners with Erwin and his henchmen has been working in his favour. 

Still, it doesn’t hurt to learn the layout off by heart. So, Levi pours himself over the blueprints and maps, memorising every detail, becoming so engrossed in it that he barely even hears you letting yourself inside of his apartment.

Your shoes hit the wall with a noise that makes him suddenly aware of your arrival, and he glances up to see you peeking into the kitchen, eyes scanning the room for any unfortunate signs of Elio before you approach him.

He notices the street market bag and inhales the smell of spice before looking back at the maps. “Hope you’re gonna share that.”

“Of course,” you reply, offended he even thought you might not. You place the container of tteokbokki on the table before sliding around to his side, eyes glued to the rolls of paper. “Where’s this?”

“Less you know, the better,” he mutters, leaning his head into your mouth as you kiss his jaw. 

For a while, you say nothing, letting Levi memorise what he needs to while you assess the prints for yourself. Eventually, you shift your hand over his and squeeze, making him glance at you sideways. 

You’re looking at him already, though you can’t see his eyes from the way he’s hunched over. Spotting Levi’s signs of anxiety must be incredibly easy, because somehow you’ve caught on, and begin to rub the back of his hand with your thumb, nose pressed into his bicep. 

“Come eat,” you suggest quietly, after a while of basking in the silence with him.

He grunts, a typical Levi sound, and nudges you away. Though, you only shuffle to the drawer to fetch two forks — forks! He scoffs, rolling his shoulders as he rounds the table to take one from your fingers. 

“Easier to stab with a fork,” you offer as an explanation.

“If my mother was here to see me eating tteokbokki with a fork, she’d lose her goddamn mind.”

“Well…” You start, trailing off after a moment. You’ve got nothing to say; he’s won the argument just by bringing Kuchel up, and both of you know it.

Scowling, you stab another wedge of tteok and chew it furiously, meanwhile Levi smirks to himself, victorious.

(46) Giving them a back massage when they flop on the couch or bed.

“I need to retire. I’m getting too old for this shit.”

“No way. How old are you now, like, twenty eight?”

“…I’m thirty.”

“Best looking thirty year old I’ve ever seen. Roll over, I’ll massage your back, if you want?”

If he ever refuses a massage from you, he’s an idiot.

Levi rolls over ungraciously, hitting the mattress on his stomach with a low groan. He rolls his shoulders, the bones cracking comically loud, and as you shuffle up to straddle his back, he groans again.

“Oh fuck off, I’m not heavy.”

Levi sniggers into the pillow, though as soon as your hands start to work their magic, he moans, the pleasure instantaneous. 

“Make a house back there, if you want. Just don’t stop.”

(47) Staying up half the night to finish a game with them.

“I can’t do it if you’re not here, Levi. You need to get over here.”

“Do you not see that I’m trying?”

“You’re terrible at this game.”

Levi scoffs. He wouldn’t be so terrible if he actually knew how to play properly. His character begins to run in circles without him even asking him to, and Levi growls angrily.

“Fucks sake, this bitch is pissing me off.” Then, he wrangles the controller from your hands as you protest and says, “You be him instead.”

“But I don’t want to be Cody.”

“Me neither.”

As soon as you start moving little Cody around, Levi peers in scrutiny at the controller in your hand and how it so suddenly has stopped drifting on its own. There’s a circular dent in your inner cheek where your tongue is, and Levi scowls in your direction.

“You were sabotaging me,” he accuses, eyes focused back on May as she stumbles around uncoordinatedly.

“I think you’re just really bad,” you reply. Cody is moving fine, and finally, the mechanism moves and the story can progress. Hm.

Levi’s eyes bore into yours as you shift to face him, elbows snug in the blanket bundled around you both. Levi has been laying low for around two weeks now — he’s surprised with just how much he likes not having to work. Though, there have been a few times whilst playing this infuriating game where Levi has wished to be anywhere else. 

“You’re good at a lot of things,” you tell him sincerely, “but just not games. And that’s okay. You tried.”

“I’m good at games,” he replies, offended.

You raise your eyebrows, “Like what?”

“Your animal living game.”

“Animal Crossing?”

“Sure, that too.”

All Levi has ever done on Animal Crossing is make a character and proceed to hit everybody with his fishing net, not to mention dig holes around your front door so you can’t get out. Still, you say nothing — the look of disbelief speaks volumes to Levi and he rolls his eyes, turning back to May as she wanders off to the side of the screen and falls off.

Okay. He’s bad at games. That he’ll admit. But you like it, and by the time he’s gotten the hang of the controls, it’s already four in the morning.

(48) Getting them a coffee just the way they like it.

Remember those habits?

“You remembered!”

If not just to see your smile, Levi likes to bring you one of the expensive bags of coffee from Erwin’s studio. You could quite easily buy the bags yourself, but there’s no thrill in ordering something and having it arrive in due time, not like there is in making Levi steal three at a time as he leaves a meeting or training session.

Levi sets the bags with a loud thud by the coffee machine and hums. 

“And you got me a drink!”

Yes. He has also become a barista and familiarised himself with the exact way you like to drink your coffee. The takeout cup he also borrowed from Erwin is placed down by your laptop as you relentlessly type away at an assignment at Levi’s kitchen table, and he presses a kiss to your temple and mutters under his breath.

“Thanks, babe,” you say, already sipping at the steamy contents.

“It’s hot,” he points out. “You’ll only cry when you singe all your taste-buds off.”

“I will not—” You slurp, then hiss, “Ow!”

“I warned you.”

(49) Buying them a special treat when you go out shopping.

You know what? No. Levi has given up on pretending like he doesn’t enjoy you being in his grill all day, every day, which is the reasoning for why he ends up in an expensive jewellery store with Erwin one day after a long haul of inspecting an upcoming raid location.

In all honesty, Levi wants to put his work to rest once the raid is all over. It will be their riskiest ploy to date, and quite frankly, Levi’s tired. He’s been killing people for years, cutting at the humanity he has left, and back in the day he would have been very comfortable with being a monster, killing until he was killed.

But now he had you. Now, Levi had someone to care about, so deeply and so passionately that it often left him feeling sick.

“That’s called love, Levi,” is what Erwin had said when Levi chose the rare option of opening up when he tried to explain why he wanted to retire early. 

“Love,” he scoffed. But then Erwin had said something profoundly wholesome, leaving Levi with a bitter taste in his mouth.

“You’re not unloveable just because you loved nothing for so long. I know it took you awhile to get back to where you are now, but just because love went wrong once before doesn’t mean it has to again. Besides, almost two years of your bullshit and that woman is still there — I don’t think you need to be worried about her pulling away from you once you tell her how you feel.”

Which roughly translated to: Buy her something nice and quash until you can’t any longer.

Once Levi gets home, he hears you giggling at something and finds you with a book over your face, your legs kicking as you squeal like a goblin. His face twists and he asks, “That book got jokes in it, or something?”

You peer around the spine and look at him. “They kissed. They. Kissed!”

“Who kissed?” Levi makes his way to the couch and takes a seat where you were just lying down. The cushions are warm — you’ve been here a while, and the thought makes him smile. 

“Evangeline and Jacks. It’s all so perfect. I didn't like most of the book, but what matters is that they kissed,” you tell him, a little too excited. You plant your feet in Levi’s lap. “I love love, Levi. It is the greatest. I love books. Men written by women!”

“Why are you giggling over other men in my own house?” 

“I giggle over you when you’re not around, too.”

He hums once from the back of his throat, watching as you mark the page with your bookmark and close the book before crawling into his lap and curling into his arms. He welcomes you instinctively, the blocky shape of the ring he bought in his pocket.

After smooching your lips for a long fifteen minutes, Levi pulls away and reaches for the box. “Got something for you.”

“Ooh, show me!”

He produces the little box and hands it to you, but when your eyes round and you hesitate in taking it, he worries.

“I’m not proposing,” he says quickly.

“Thank god. I was about to be very upset,” you sigh dramatically, finally taking the ring box. “Most unromantic proposal ever.”

“The fact you think I’d be that lousy with a proposal is actually really offensive.”

The genuine grumble in his voice puts a flutter in your stomach, though soon after, it simmers into a cool pit of shock when you flip open the box and see the most delicate, gorgeous ring that you’ve ever seen in your life, not counting ones you ogle in shopfronts.

Cautiously, you lift your head to peer at Levi’s expression. It’s not a proposal — he’s just told you so, and considering you’re not even his girlfriend in official terms yet, it seems unlikely that anything like that will be happening soon. But it has to be more than just an offhanded purchase, and you’re determined to figure out.

Levi’s eyes tremble as he looks between you and the ring. “Is it ugly?”

You immediately shake your head, “Of course not!”

“Put it on, then,” he urges. The steady beat of his heart stutters out of tempo. Suddenly, he feels quite nervous as he watches you take out the ring and study its appearance up close. “Need help?”

“Yeah, it’s so hard, I can’t figure out how to put it on. Needs instructions.”

Levi tuts and gently takes the ring from between your fingers, grabbing your ring finger whilst trying to look as casual as possible. Somehow, he manages to slide the ring on without making a fool of himself, but when he looks back at your face and sees gemstones of your own lining your waterline, he frowns.

“I’m not gonna sit here and give a speech,” he starts. By now, you know him better than that. He’s never opened up about his feelings to you, at least not without feeling regretful of it the morning after, and you nod simply, eyes catching the glint of the diamond. “But you know why I’ve bought it. I don’t need to tell you what you already know.”

And he doesn’t. Somehow, despite Levi being tremendously unromantic, having no manners, and in general being a terrible companion, you at least know that he cares. And with his upcoming job creeping up on you both, it doesn’t require an above-average intelligence to work out why this ring came when it did, what it means if things go south, what it means regardless.

“I know,” you tell him. “Thank you. It’s beautiful.”

Instead of saying anything, Levi curls you tighter in his arms and presses a kiss to your forehead, closing his eyes when you snuggle your face into his collar and relax. 

His mind has been made, his plans set. As soon as the job is over, he doesn’t want to look back. Only forward, with the woman who has made him feel alive again.

(50) Giving them a tight hug that makes them lose their breath.

Something is wrong. Something is horribly wrong, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

It has been days since Levi told you he’d touched down in New York, working out some stuff in the very famous Continental until he was set to join Erwin on whatever mission they had planned and prepared for. Levi hadn’t told you the details this time because the risks were too high, and now, it feels like a major setback. 

New York is on fire, and Levi barely kept his life getting out of the Silver Sword compound. An entire mob wiped out by two guys with no backup — it was practically unprecedented, unseen or unheard of since John Wick was knocking around. 

The Continental had done everything right in the aftermath, including keeping Levi in their small infirmary for days whilst tending to his excessive wounds. Fuck, he had been so reckless, so vengeful, so stupid. It had almost cost him his life ensuring that no leads followed him and Erwin back to Seoul, and although he had succeeded in destroying every last bit of incriminating evidence, the risks had been too great. 

When Levi finally gets discharged from the infirmary, it is almost eleven in the evening, and New York has finally calmed down and settled in for the night. Erwin greets Levi in the lobby, a frown on his face, holding a destroyed black bundle of phone parts that bear a striking resemblance to Levi’s missing device. He swears.

Levi hasn’t heard from you since he got here. Since the last risky job he took in Gwangju last year, you’ve never been lax while he’s been away; he can almost imagine your fear, your paranoia, and before he can even hear Erwin’s well wishes, Levi’s crossing the lobby for the customer payphone and dialing in your number.

The line rings twice before someone picks up.

“Baby?” Levi asks, after three attempts of saying your name and no coherent response. He cranes his head around the curly wire and glares at the clerk, though she looks less than pleased being interrupted by Levi, “Is this a global line?”

“Obviously, sir. It’s a telephone.”

“I fucking know it’s a telephone, but if it’s global, then why the hell isn’t it working?”

The girl gives him grief about his manners and Levi is forced to give up on calling you, slamming down the phone angrily and feeling his body growing hotter and hotter with worry.

He knows you're fine, in his house with the big cat you hate to love, but he knows you. He knows how you operate, how you worry, how you love him too much.

“Look, we’ll catch the first flight we can,” Erwin assures him as soon as Levi has caught his breath and taken a seat on one of the black leather sofas. His hands are shaking violently. “She’s fine. I promise.”

“I know she’s fine,” Levi grumbles.

“Then get a hold of yourself,” sighs Erwin, his frown low and face tired. “There’s nothing you can do but wait. I’ve got people waiting on me, as well, you know.”

“It’s not the same thing.”

“Dogs miss their owners just as much as girlfriends miss their boyfriends,” Erwin protests, because that’s all he has back home these days.

There had been a time where you had offered to set him up with your friend, Sasha, who deserved to be with a man who could handle her energy but also make her feel safe after her last terrible relationship, but Erwin is basically married to his work, and had got a dog despite Sasha being deathly allergic.

Still, Levi’s not heartless enough to know that Erwin isn’t missed by his dog, and probably other people in his life. And he’s right, there’s nothing he can do about the connection problems. All he can do is reign in his worries and wait.

The earliest flight they can find is the next morning, and Levi spends every second up to that point and up until he pulls up outside of his house in a complete state of panic. Would you be there? Did you leave, thinking he’d never come back? 

Levi abandons his bag and leaves it in the backseat as he sprints from the car up the stairs, past his front door, and into his house. He kicks off his shoes once he’s in, the door hitting the wall with a booming slam.

He hears what he thinks might be scuffles, potentially even Elio’s claws, and right as Levi calls out your name, he sees you round the corner with a blotchy red face and feels his arms stretching out for you.

“What the fuck is wrong with you!” You slam into his chest, almost taking him to the floor, and encircle your arms around his neck so hard that the breath knocks out of his lungs. Still, he isn’t even annoyed; he squeezes you so tightly, tighter than he’s ever hugged anyone before, and shoves his face into your neck, inhaling the smell, feeling the way your body felt in memories while he was away. 

“I’m sorry,” he says in a whisper, his features tugged in displeasure as you whimper into him, no doubt crying over his shirt. “I’m sorry, baby.”

“I thought you were dead!” you blurt, “I even cried on Elio’s back because I thought you had died! What’s the point in having a phone if you never pick it up or charge it?” You snatch yourself from his arms and gently beat against his chest with your fist. “I’m so pissed off at you!”

“I’m sorry that my phone got crushed,” he says, affronted that you would even think he’d ignore your calls on purpose. “I was in a hospital bed for three days! And then the bitchy receptionist got smart with me about their shitty phone, and I called but the line cut out. Sounded like a goddamn robot, I couldn’t hear a word you were saying.”

Your jaw drops, “That was you? I thought you’d died and some enemy gang guy was trying to call me to kill me!” Levi has to laugh at the look of worry on your face. He hasn’t been cared for in this way in a long time. Never been loved to this volume. “I unplugged the landline, I was so scared! Jesus Christ, Levi!” Then, like you never left, you rush back into his arms and let out a shaky cry. 

“You did the right thing,” he tells you. Unplugging the landline was the silliest thing he could have ever thought of, but then he realises that you’re still here, and that you made peace with Elio just because you thought he had died.

Levi strokes the back of your head and shushes you, feeling your heartbeat hammering furiously against his chest. His is most likely the same, though he’s not so eager to acknowledge his own feelings.

After a while of standing there, and after Levi’s stroked behind Elio’s ears when he prowls towards them and rubs his head on Levi’s trousers, Levi looks back at you softly and takes everything in.

He has missed you more than anything, grieved the missing piece of his soul that is shaped like you. And, while he’s at it, yes! Fucking hell! He loves you!

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” you tell him, and Levi kisses you, his hands cradling your face. The kiss is firm, desperate, though he has no intention of walking you backwards towards the bedroom like he normally does after a job.

Instead, he pulls you in for a hug again. 

“I missed you,” he mutters. “So fucking much.”

“Me too.”

He says with his mouth pressed into your head, “I’m done with this shit. I’m not taking any more jobs.”

You twist out of his arms, eyebrows raised. “Really? Why? You love your job.”

“I hate my job,” Levi confesses. “I have too much to lose. I just wanna live my life. And make it all count for something.”

For a moment, you stand there, looking at his face so intently that he almost feels uncomfortable. But then, as a smile spreads over your face, Levi feels like he can finally breathe again, finally feel like himself.

“Alright. If that’s what you want, babe, then let’s do that.”

And we can do it together.

(51) Getting adjusted.

Levi forgot what it was like to be normal.

He now wakes up at whatever time he wants to, feeling next to him for the lump in the bed where you sleep. Once he knows you’re still there (because despite being retired, he doesn’t think the habit of making sure you’re safe will ever go away), Levi wakes up and starts his day. 

Coffee for one becomes coffee for two. Levi never has to eat breakfast on his own, never sits alone on the sofa or sits in silence at the kitchen table. Levi has lost half of his sink counter space to your belongings, lost half of his wardrobe to your own clothes. There are so many shoes by his front door that it looks like a storefront. 

Elio has a mother, in a strange, estranged, visitation-hours-only kind of way. Levi has made room for you in his life and you fit perfectly, so perfectly that he barely remembers what it ever felt like to live alone.

The shower is always filled with two people. Levi finds your things all over the house in the most bizarre places. He has candles on every coffee table, pictures in frames, finds your cardigans hanging over every chair. But he loves it. He loves it so much. He can’t imagine ever not having it, having you, having this life.

(52) Finally saying the words.

“This is my first time using this thing.”

“What?” you gasp as Levi comes to sit next to you on the balcony.

Elio yawns inside, sleeping on the couch. It is partly his fault that Levi’s out here in the first place, though the thought of being tucked beside you on the outdoor couch in a blanket, watching the sun sink behind the skyline, is thankfully rather appealing, and he voices no complaints.

Levi takes a swig of his whiskey and abandons the cup on the table, throwing an arm around your shoulder and pulling you close. It’s not exactly cold tonight, but he knows you too well, and knows that within an hour, you’ll be dithering next to him.

“Imagine having a balcony and never using it.”

“I’m using it now,” Levi huffs, pinching your neck. You squeal, “Fuck off, it didn’t hurt.”

You’ve been officially living in Levi’s home for two months now, although sometimes it feels like you’ve always been here. Still, despite you making yourself very much at home on the inside, neither of you have once come out to sit on the balcony, to bask in the lovely sun as it settles for the night, not until today. 

“When’s Erwin coming?”

“Bout an hour or so,” Levi says in a low drawl, his head tilted back and hand massaging the side of your head. It had been your idea to invite a bunch of people over to your house — the house you now shared — and frightfully, Levi hadn’t opposed. It would be nice to share the wealth of simply being alive with people he now had the patience to care about. 

You shuffle to look at him, and Levi picks up his head at the sound of you moving. Like always, Levi thinks you look beautiful, but since he’s made you his girlfriend, it has felt like every time he looks at you, he can’t breathe properly.

“I’m excited. This is our first time hosting a party together,” you grin, while Levi thumbs your ear and smiles. “Do you think Elio will eat Erwin’s dog?”

“No. Elio’s moved back onto a pescatarian diet, so I think Erwin’s mutt will be safe.”

“Good. I bought him a bone, do you think he’ll like it?”

“He’s a dog. Yes, I expect, why are you asking me this?” Levi asks, eyebrows scrunched, though he pulls you close to where his mouth is and kisses you straight on the lips. “Stop stressing.”

“I can’t help it. I’m nervous! It’s all so serious! What if nobody likes our house?”

He shrugs. “I don’t give a shit who does or doesn’t like our house. It’s ours.”

“Hnnngh. And I want you to have a good time!” you whine. “You deserve a bit of fun in your life.”

“My life is always fun now that you’re my girlfriend.”

He’s instantly won himself brownie points by saying that.

“Just tell me if it gets too much,” you mutter, lips on his, mouths together. “Okay?”

Levi hums. “Yeah.” Then, after he’s kissed you three more times and felt his heart shake, he nudges his nose against yours and says, “I love you, y’know that, right?”

You pause, eyes rounding wide as you take in the sight of him. Levi has never said those words before, not explicitly. But now is as good a time as any, right?

Levi has spent far too much of his life withdrawing from his emotions, hiding away from what matters most out of a fear of caring too much. In the past, he had cared too much and lost it all. You were never supposed to be something he cared about, but when it had happened, it happened so fast he hadn’t had the time to make sense of it all.

But now, now that he’s been through it all with you, ticked every box imaginable, become comfortable being vulnerable again, Levi thinks he’s finally ready to accept the love he deserves and dole it out to those who mean the most to him.

Your mouth moves against his, though he can’t understand the words coming out. He laughs, confused, and somehow manages to pull away and ask, “What’re you even saying?”

All for you to blubber out in a laugh, “I’ve been waiting for ages for you to say that!”

His heart bursts, chest soars. “You could have said it first.”

“I’ve said it before,” you protest, “in actions.”

He scoffs, “So have I.”

And he has, you really can’t deny it.

“Say it again, won’t you?” you ask sweetly, kissing the corner of his mouth, and Levi sighs, like asking that of him is simply too much.

“I love you. You make me very happy.” Levi groans when you cackle and squish the breath out of him with a hug, but this time, he sniggers too. Why waste the moment on pretending to be indifferent when he’s actually the happiest he’s ever been?

Levi Ackerman can finally say that he feels good. He feels safe, he feels content, he feels comfortable — and most of all, he feels loved. And in love. And totally at peace in the world with the person who makes him the happiest.

[lizzyscribbles]

I felt like being emotionally destroyed today, so I watched the dub of episode 151 of MHA. I don't know what it is about Izuku's face when he comes careening out of the sky like a fucking warhead and sees the state of the fight but it gets to me every single time in both languages. He looks positively haunted and it makes me want to cry, my poor son. Anywho, to recover, I decided to go rewatch 136 and 137, which are my favorite episodes of the entire goddamn series and I realized it's high time I do a little rant about them.

This is mostly for me because, again, I don't have anyone to rant about this with and I have got to get these emotions out of me somehow, but I hope someone else finds it enjoyable!

Welcome to Lizzy's MHA Evening Ramble: Why MHA episodes 136 (Deku vs. Class A) and 137 (A Young Woman's Declaration) are what really show us the impact Izuku has had on the people around him (specifically Class 1-A).

Honestly, I don't have much science to back up this post. There's not really a psychological reason behind why these episodes slap, but they do and I'm gonna talk about it.

You see, for better or for worse, everyone in Class-A has a different and unique personality. That much is obvious, I know, but that also means each of them have different things that impact them. Think about it, what means a lot to one person doesn't so much to another.

And yet, despite that, every single one of them had something to say to Deku. Every single one of them. For some of them, it was as simple as helping them organize their notes. For others, it was something he said or did that has followed them through the entire show.

"Meddling where you don't technically have to is the essence of being a hero, right?"

Izuku said that one time to Tenya. One time. But that, accompanied by his actions that night, became the corner stone of what Tenya strove to become.

They all voted to go after Izuku–not even voted, they all just got up and went. No second thoughts, no questions, they just went. They literally slapped a GPS out of Endeavor's hand so they could find him. They were not about to take no for an answer, not even from Izuku himself. It's insane, honestly, that one person managed to impact a group so deeply they'd risk everything to bring him back to their class.

I think a lot of the time, we think of difficult or unhealthy relationships as those where you give and give and give and the other person refuses to the same. No one really tells you what to do when someone you love dearly is giving so much it's hurting them, but they refuse to receive. It's an odd situation, but one I love seeing explored.

Could they have just let him go on his own? Fight by himself because that's what he wanted? Yeah, they totally could've. But they didn't, because they knew if the roles were reversed, Izuku wouldn't have thought twice about hunting them down. They weren't victims, they didn't want to be protected, they wanted to kick ass at his side.

They didn't do it out of heroism or even necessity I'd argue, they did it because that was their friend and they'd be damned if they let him suffer alone.

Still, despite that, Izuku wanted to protect them and he was so, so scared to lose them. It makes sense, in a sad, twisted way, that he would rather keep them locked away behind a wall and fight alone than let them stand at his side. He was haunted by the shit the people around him went through because of Shigaraki and AFO. It's far easier to blame yourself for things than it is to admit that it wasn't your fault and, sometimes, nothing could've done would've changed the outcome. I have no doubt it would've felt like he killed them himself if he went back and something happened, and the thought of that was far more terrifying than any threat to his own person. Of course he wanted to fight alone, he didn't want to fathom the possibility someone else would get hurt because they were around him.

But that wasn't for him to decide.

Sometimes, we forget a relationship goes two ways. It was dangerous for them to be there, sure, but that was a choice they made. A choice they wanted to make. They couldn't make him let them help, but he couldn't make them go away either. I have no doubt that if he got away that day, they'd have followed him to the ends of the earth until he gave in.

It's also easy to forget Izuku is just a kid. He's sixteen, barely in high school. Ochaco says as much when she pleads with the crowds to let him in. Her voice cracks as she begs this group mostly made of ADULTS to let a boy rest inside the walls of his own school. He probably doesn't physically know how to deal with these kinds of emotions yet (the frontal lobe, responsible in part for our emotional reactions to situations, doesn't fully develop until around 25/26, and even then research suggests it's never really fully done). It probably makes perfect sense to him that the best course of action is to be alone, even if it seems stupid to us.

We all need support at any age, but especially during those teenage years. Those are vital years of development as the mind develops and starts to take shape. Izuku has been beaten, traumatized, and terrified, it's no wonder he seems to be making such irrational decisions.

No kid should be carrying the weight of the entire goddamn world on their shoulders at that age and, of course, no one could've predicted that AFO was going to accelerate the process and force Deku to face him, but that doesn't make it any better.

However, that's the great thing about having friends, families, and partners, they come alongside you in those times and help you navigate this crazy new situation. They pick up the things you can't handle because they want to. Sometimes, they just stand next to you. Sometimes you have them lean on you for support. And, sometimes, they shoulder up next to you and carry you for a bit so you can catch your breath.

Because that's what you'd do for them.

Whenever I watch these episodes, I'm reminded of that scene in Lord of the Rings where Frodo thinks he can't go on and Sam says, "I can't carry the ring, but I can carry you!" I think this has similar vibes.

They couldn't carry One for All, but they could carry Izuku, and they were determined to do at least that.

[sleekervae]

The Bride [0.2]

Masterlist

Pairing: billy the kid x fem!reader

Summary: Billy and Eleanor reunite in Silver City.

Warnings: foul language, mentioned racism

Word Count: 4,458

Tag List: @poppyflower-22 @ponyslayer

Life didn't get much easier for Billy. His stepfather's reckless spending on brothels and alcohol left them with dwindling funds, worsened by the bank's refusal to extend more credit. Forced to seek new opportunities, the Antrim family packed up and headed to Silver City.

Billy learned of a town called Silver City, and after the sudden and tragic death of his friend Carlos, he didn't find much more reason to stay in Santa Fe. It was about an arduous journey, a week-long trek through scorching heat, relentless mosquitoes, and the ever-present danger of snakes. Yet, despite the challenges, they finally reached Silver City, hopeful for a fresh start and a brighter future.

Though as it turned out, opportunities in Silver City weren't so good either.

While Kathleen embarked on a new restaurant venture, Henry flitted between jobs, proving too finicky and fragile for any substantial work. So Billy helped out where he could, working odd jobs here and there, and playing rounds of cards to make some more money. Sometimes he won big, other times he lost hard.

But at least he wasn't alone. Along the way, Billy crossed paths with Jesse, an older, more weathered individual with a cynical outlook on life. Jesse and his circle shared this perspective, yet Jesse saw a reflection of himself in Billy. Taking him under his wing, Jesse offered his help wherever he could.

Silver City was still a sprouting town, with newer businesses opening all the time. One of those businesses was a saloon, indistinguishable from the other dusty timber buildings around. But on the entire way over, Jesse was trying to talk the nerves out of Billy. He had reluctantly agreed to join up with Jesse's cattle rustling ring, he desperately needed the money after all. Joe had caught consumption, it was just another expense piling on top of all the other expenses his family had accumulated.

"Don't look so spooked, Billy," Jesse slapped him on the back, "You look like I'm taking you to you're fuckin' execution,"

"I'm not spooked," Billy assured him, but on the inside he truly was. He'd never been involved in any type of criminal behaviour, and while he knew it was wrong, he was also extremely desperate.

"You gotta get a better poker face," Jesse chuckled, "Don't worry. I'm gonna introduce you to a friend of mine,"

"What friend?"

Jesse's smirk only got wider, "You'll see,"

They strolled into the saloon, already filled with dusty, gnarly cowpoke, the distinctive smell of bitter whiskey and smoke immediately filled Billy's nose. There were a couple girls standing over card tables, watching with lacklustre while the men played silently. The energy at the bar was matched, men drunk and rambling amongst each other while bartenders poured and sweated over his glasses.

Jesse and Billy took up a spot at the bar, and Jesse gave a sharp, short whistle to get one of the bartender's attention. He motioned for two glasses of whatever they had.

"So, where's this friend of yours?" Billy asked, dark eyes darting across the crowded room.

Jesse took a brief look around as well, his smile growing when he spotted his friend, "Over here," he pointed out a young woman clearing empty glasses from a poker table. Her back was turned to them, her hair tied up tight in a ponytail, small and petite but she moved quickly.

Jesse led Billy over, "Billy, I'd like for you to meet my girl, Ellie," he grinned.

The woman turned around, her eyes rolling as she turned; and as she did, Billy swore his heart may stop.

"Jesse, how many times do I have to tell ya to stop telling everyone I'm your girl --?" Eleanor's words stopped short when she laid eyes on Billy, any inch of vexation in her suddenly vanished, leaving way for only disbelief.

Billy was equally stunned. Of all the places he'd hoped to find Eleanor again, this saloon certainly wasn't one of them. He had so many questions, how did she get here? How did she know Jesse? And what did she possibly have to do with cattle rustling?

Jesse was hardly the wiser to either of their shock as he continued talking, "Oh, come on Ellie, ya know I say it with the most respect and admiration or ya,"

Eleanor quickly resolved herself of her stupor and picked up her tray of empty glasses, "That's you all over, innit' Jesse? A perfect gentleman to every woman in town," she huffed, "Erm -- who's your friend?"

Play dumb, got it.

Billy nearly jolted as Jesse slapped him on the back, "This here is Billy. I'm taking him under my wing, so to speak," he grinned.

Eleanor scoffed, looking to Billy again, "And may God have mercy on your soul. Aren't you a bit young to be a cattle rustler?" she asked him.

Billy finally found his voice again, clearing it briefly as he spoke, "Aren't you a bit young to be working a saloon?"

"Touché. I'm Eleanor... or you can call me Ellie," she nodded to him.

"Billy," they all suddenly turned when a bartender shouted out.

"Ellie! I need them glasses lickety split!" he called, "I don't pay you to chat to the customers!"

"I'm coming, David! Keep your britches on!" she started for the bar, turning to the boys briefly as she muttered, "Meet me behind the building in ten minutes. Oh, and Jesse -- you're paying for those drinks this time,"

Jesse simpered, "Yes ma'am," and they watched her go back behind the bar.

Billy took a nervous sip of his whiskey, the singeing after taste barely left a burn on his mounting curiosity.

Sure enough, ten minutes later the three were cloistered in the shadowy alley, away from any prying eyes or ears. They had to be quick before Eleanor's boss would notice she was missing.

"Here," she threw a map at Jesse, "The cattle are gon' be on the North-East side of the property, just out by the forest. You'll have plenty a' cover there. But you gotta' move fast: there's two minutes in between shift change with the guards,"

"You don't gotta worry," Jesse assured her, "We'll be in and out before they know what hit 'em,"

"Good. Now, how about my money?" Eleanor's gaze darted between Jesse and Billy, her expression unreadable.

Jesse leaned back, a smirk playing on his lips, "Don't worry, darlin', you'll get your cut. Just as soon as our business is complete," he replied, a hint of menace underlying his words.

Eleanor's jaw clenched, but she maintained her composure, "I expect nothing less," she retorted, her tone firm, "Now get outta' here, before someone sees me talking to you,"

Jesse laughed, "You're too uptight, Ellie. We should go riding together sometime," he tilted his hat down, his eyes darkening, "Might relax ya,"

A familiar feeling swirled in Billy's chest: disdain, distrust, perhaps even a hint of possessiveness. He didn't like how close Jesse was getting, and given the unamused glare on Eleanor's face he understood that she didn't take too kindly to his advances either.

"You know the deal, Jesse," she drawled back, "I'd hate to have to tell the boss that you or any of the guys were giving his spy a hard time,"

And with that, Jesse put his hands up and stepped back, "You made your point. I'll have your money by the end of the week,"

"Alright," she looked to Billy again, "Don't get yourself killed," and she extended her hand to him.

"I'll try my best," Billy forced a brief smile, shaking her hand while taking the piece of paper she had clenched in her palm. He shoved the paper into his pocket before Jesse could catch on.

Eleanor left without another word, her icy exterior faltering the moment she had her back turned. Her heart raced, her knees tingled with every step she took. She had only dreamed about the day she might find Billy again, she just didn't realize how he'd be so wrapped up in her business.

Billy walked with Jesse, the note still clenched tightly within his pant pocket. He was ever so curious to read it, but he saw the way Jesse looked at Eleanor; he didn't want to get in between anything that didn't involve him.

"She's cold as ice, but she's smart as a whip," Jesse sighed, "We've made good money off her,"

"She's... pretty intense," Billy muttered, "Doesn't seem to like you very much,"

Jesse laughed under his breath, "She likes to put on a hard edge. Fact is that girl owes me her life," he then looked to Billy, his attitude turned cocky and cold, "... and she knows that," he started walking towards his boarding house, "I'll come get ya in the morning, get some sleep,"

"Alright," and he watched him walk away. Billy waited until Jesse had disappeared around the next building before he pulled out Eleanor's note. There was no message, just a building name and a time scrawled in pretty writing.

The Imperial Hotel stood grand and imposing, a beacon in Silver City, its doors welcoming a steady stream of transient souls. Eleanor stood beneath the awning, wrapped in a shawl against the evening chill, her brimmed hat shielding her eyes. She lifted her gaze at the sound of approaching footsteps on the gravel.

Billy's figure emerged from the shadows, his steps measured and wary, illuminated by the soft glow of scattered lanterns and moonlight. Eleanor stepped out from the building, she felt as though she was in the presence of an approaching ghost. She hadn't seen him in a year, yet he looked different. Weathered and worn.

"My god," she gaped, "You look like shit,"

Billy scoffed back, "Why, thank you. I feel like shit," he smiled nevertheless. Eleanor smiled back, it was the first time today she felt relatively... happy.

The hotel clerk was down for the night so Eleanor invited him inside. Billy noted how she didn't have much with her, the bed spread hardly appeared to be touched. He took a seat in a miscellaneous chair while Eleanor poured two glasses of bourbon.

"David couldn't pay my wage one day, so he paid me in whiskey," she sighed, handing him one of the glasses, "Straight from his 'private collection'. Cheap old bastard,"

Billy took a sip from his glass, the taste was bitter and burned while he nostrils became singed from the strong scent. Nevertheless he watched Eleanor take a seat on the bed, kicking off her boots and folding her legs like a young child.

"So, what brings you to Silver City?" she asked.

Billy shook his head, "You want the short version or the long version?" he asked.

"Whichever is less likely to cause you a headache," she said.

So Billy summed up... well... everything. Carlos was murdered, Antrim was a fraud, money was drying up so they had to move on. His mother was slaving away at a new restaurant, his step-dad was a penniless deadbeat, and his little brother had fallen very ill. Hence why he was entertaining Jesse and this cattle rustling business so he could get medicine for Joe.

Eleanor watched him talk, she noted how deflated he became the more he talked, he was missing that spark of mischief and optimism when they'd first met. He was so beaten down, scraping at the sides of the barrel trying to make his way back up. She felt for him, couldn't imagine the kind of shit he'd had to put up with.

"Jesus Christ," she shook her head, "I'm so sorry,"

He shrugged back, "It ain't got nothing to do with you. Ma says God has a plan for all of us, whether or not it's long or short... it's not up to us,"

"But it doesn't change the fact that he's your little brother, he deserves a chance to grow up, just like you," she replied.

Oh, he knew. He knew damn well how unfair it all was. Joe never did anything to hurt anyone, so why was he suffering so?

"Yeah, I know," he muttered, wanting to change the subject, "What about you?" Billy then asked, leaning forward in his chair, "How did you get here?"

She sipped her drink, pondering how much to tell, how much to leave out. Overall, she had traveled from town to town, living on whatever provisions she could scrape up while trying to survive as a single woman in the blistering terrain. She'd been approached, propositioned, threatened, nearly robbed how many times, and every time she dodged out of the fire until she got to Silver City.

"Jesse found me sitting outside the hotel down the street; they wouldn't let me board unless I had a man to escort me," she explained, "He offered me a job, a place to stay, I was desperate so I said yes,"

"What came first? The saloon or the ranch?" he asked.

"The ranch. Billy Matthews needed a care woman to do the cleaning, cook for this cowboys, and Jesse and his gang needed an insider who knew where the cattle were gonna' be," she replied.

"S'pose you're lady-like enough you can actually get away with it," Billy noted, a small, teasing grin tugging at his lips.

Eleanor rolled her eyes, "I suppose so," she simpered, "The saloon came later, a fall back just in case something... happened. It's a good cover for passing information,"

"And it affords this place?" he asked, wagging his finger around the room.

"I'm in town three nights a week. The rest of 'em I live out on the county line," she replied.

"County line?"

"Lincoln county," Eleanor glanced out the window, the town near-pitch black under the rain of subtle stars, "Jesse and 'em have a house out there. No one knows, no one checks on 'em. Kind of like a secret lair of sorts," she chuckled at the end.

"And they keep you safe?" Billy asked.

"Yeah," she nodded, "They're all outlaws and criminals, but they've shown me more decency than any man ever has. Barring yourself, of course,"

Billy tried to smile, but he couldn't help but sense the deflection in Eleanor. She was grateful to be alive, for the money she had and for how Jesse took care of her, but she didn't seem happy. Happy with life, herself. Billy only saw her truly happy once, no worries and at ease in his old home, tossing cards at each other and staring at the stars.

He came to sit beside her on the bed, staring out at the sky just like she was. The night glistened in silver dots, there was not a soul to be had on the streets below, and beyond the town the horizon of the desert called, beckoning to be explored for new adventures.

"What do you want, Eleanor?" he asked, his tone soft and cautious, "In life?"

She sighed softly, turning her gaze to meet his, "I want to step outside and not have to feel the urge to look over my shoulder all the damn time," she replied.

"Is the captain still looking for you?" Billy asked.

"I guess so. I haven't heard anything. But I also don't want to give anyone the power to hold... things over me," her gaze was dark, her deflection growing. Though Billy had a feeling she was talking about him, maybe that was why she didn't want Jesse to know about them?

"What about you, Billy? What do you want in life?"

Billy didn't have to think very hard about that one, "A good night's sleep," he said, "Because if I can sleep, I know I'm not worried about anything,"

Billy and Eleanor sat in silence, their breaths mingling in the stuffy room air. Billy’s mind raced with the reckless notion of grabbing Eleanor's hand and running away, leaving behind the suffocating constraints of their lives without a care. Meanwhile, Eleanor couldn't tear her eyes away from him, marveling at the way the moonlight highlighted his sharp features, his eyes sparkling with a warmth that made her heart flutter. She yearned to bridge the gap between them, to taste the promise of his lips, but the moment felt fragile, precarious. So, instead of voicing her desire, she pointed to the sky, her voice barely a whisper as she asked:

"Can we see Orion's Belt from here?" Her question hung in the air, a delicate thread connecting them, while the words they truly wanted to say remained locked inside.

Billy snapped out his train of thought, immediately sitting up and glancing out the window, "Yeah," he pointed off in the distance, "Those three stars, the little bright cluster. You see it?"

Eleanor nodded, though peripherally she kept her gaze on Billy, "Yeah, yeah I see it,"

Sure enough, Jesse came to get Billy the next morning. Billy was a ball of nerves all day, right up until he rode with Jesse to the edge of the forest and met up with another group of men. This was Jesse's gang, ten or thirteen brutish men, hankies drawn over their noses, whips and guns holstered to their belts. And while they were at first skeptical of Billy's appearance and know how, they let him join in.

Billy kept his focus as sharp as possible, but he couldn't shake the notion that this was the gang, the group of thugs that were taking care of Eleanor. As they yipped and herded the cattle along, Billy could just spot Matthews' ranch house off down the hill. He could picture Eleanor in his mind, peaking through the window, watching him and the others make off with the herd in the blink of an eye. And they were fast enough that they got away with it without so much as a twig snap of trouble.

And while the money Billy was paid was good, it wasn't enough to make a difference. Joe was too far gone, and in only another week he passed away. Kathleen was devastated, and despite her justification for God's plan, watching her youngest son be buried only made her more heartsick. Billy wanted to stay as strong as he could for her, that being said he was angry. Angry that Joe was taken so soon, angry at himself for not getting the medicine in time. Angry at Antrim for showing up at the last moment to beg and make his case for how he was a changed man. The only relief he had was finally being able to kick Henry Antrim out of their lives once and for all.

Despite his grief, Billy still had work to do, bills to pay. He continued running rustling jobs with Jesse for money, all the while practicing his shooting out in the fields. Jesse was much more of a practiced gunslinger, but even he had to admit Billy was a great shot. As far as he knew, Jesse didn't know about a thing between Billy and Eleanor. And while he doubted he would ever hurt Eleanor, he knew how rough Jesse could be, he didn't want to put either of them in a position to be hurt.

On his off days, Billy would go down to the saloon to see her, just talk to her. It was relaxing, she was relaxing to be around. They talked as if no time had passed; Eleanor would spill some of the gossip about the saloon's patrons while Billy would tell her the stories that he'd picked up on his travels. It got to the point Billy's visits would be the absolute highlight of her day, a shred of flickering happiness within her weary spirit.

Things turned rough yet again when Billy learned of his mother's sickness. Consumption, just like Joe. And while Kathleen was a devout catholic woman, even she professed how she wasn't ready to go yet. Billy shut down more and more, devoting his time to care for his mother, to make sure he was comfortable and at ease. He stopped coming to the rustles, stopped seeing Eleanor. All that mattered to him was his mother, she was the only family he had left. But just like his dad, just like Joe, his mother slipped away too.

Billy was the only one left now.

He wasn't the same, and despite Jesse's coaxing, despite Eleanor's promising that he would be alright, Billy didn't feel alright. He felt desperate, alone, and without many options. So, when Jesse offered him to help rob the home of Chinese family, Billy took his chances. It would be one job. One quick job to get him started, and then he'd pick up the piece from there.

Of course, no job ever went smoothly, and soon enough, Billy found himself in court, being sentenced for armed robbery. Eleanor sat in the back, her heart heavy and breaking as the verdict was read. Billy wasn't a criminal; he wasn't like Jesse. Jesse, the coward who couldn't even bother to try and save Billy, left him in that house alone at gunpoint. Eleanor's grief for Billy quickly morphed into anger —anger at Jesse's stupid plans, anger at Billy for being so easily influenced, and anger at the judge, who she knew was fully on the take.

Eleanor wasn't sure what to do from here, so she did what she was used to: keep her head down and work until she could move on. It was the way her life went; she found her people, got comfortable, and then something would happen to uproot her. Billy was going to spend the next three years in jail, and she wasn't content to slave away in Billy Matthews' ranch for that long. She wasn't quite sure what she wanted, but she was sure she wasn't going to find it in Silver City.

She said goodnight to David and started back to the hotel, the quiet night wrapping around her like a comforting blanket. The soft glow of lanterns cast long shadows on the deserted street, and the faint smell of smoke from nearby fireplaces filled the crisp air. The only sounds were the gentle rustle of leaves in the breeze and the distant hoot of an owl, making her footsteps seem unusually loud. As she walked, Eleanor couldn't shake the heavy thoughts of Billy, but the serene surroundings offered a small measure of solace.

"Ellie," she stopped dead in her tracks, turning to find Jesse leaning against an awning post, hat missing, hands deep in his pockets, a solemn look on his face.

"Jesse," she muttered with disdain, "What do you want?"

He stepped out from the shadows, his lean figure illuminated by the pale moonlight. "I guess you heard about Billy."

She scoffed bitterly, "Yeah, I heard. Heard how you left him for dead on the Chinaman's floor. Nice work, hero." She turned on her heel and kept walking. Jesse followed her.

"Well, it was either one of us or both of us," he caught up to her. "I thought he was right behind me!"

"And he wasn't, was he?" she huffed back. "That's just you all over, Jesse. I wish you'd told me what you were doing so I could talk your dumb asses out of it!"

"Well, I wish you'd told me about you and Billy, and yet here we are," he hissed back.

She stopped again, whipping around to glare at his smug expression. "What are you on about?"

"I know Billy comes to see you. I see him do it. I see how different you've been since I brought him to you," he dropped his voice to a gravelly whisper.

Eleanor rolled her eyes. "Whatever you think is going on in your feeble little mind, drop it. Nothing is happening, not with me and Billy, and certainly not between us!"

Jesse's gaze turned cold. "I saved you. You'd be dead if it weren't for me, Ellie."

"Oh, don't flatter yourself. This is not about us!" she snapped.

"What's it about then?" Jesse asked.

"We have a working relationship, that's as far as it goes!" Eleanor exclaimed. "You did with me what you do with everyone: bring new people into the gang and train them, protect them. You didn't protect Billy. You failed him, Jesse. Now he's gonna spend the next three years chipping jib rock and fighting over bread rolls with other inmates. Congratulations."

She turned to leave again, but Jesse moved quickly. He grabbed her by the arm and yanked her back. "Hey!"

"Don't you walk away from me, woman!" he seethed.

"Let go of me!" Eleanor growled, her mouth agape, eyes wide with rage.

"Or what?"

"Or I'll scream so fuck'n loud I'll wake up God himself!"

Despite his anger, Jesse knew how devious and petty Eleanor could be. He begrudgingly let her go, sniffling and wiping his nose from the cold. "I don't want to fight with you, Ellie. You know I care about you."

"… I know," Eleanor conceded. "What do you want from me?"

"I'm sorry I grabbed you," he nodded. "I'm just… you're right. I failed Billy. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him," he wandered over, kicking at the dirt and rocks. "He's like a little brother to me, ya know?"

"I do know," Eleanor nodded, her voice calmer, demeanor gentler. "I could see how you guys worked together. But being a brother and friend means protecting your own. Billy's not ready for this kind of life, Jesse."

Jesse shook his head, his gaze softening. "No one's ever ready, but we don't have a choice," he replied. "I'll come see you tomorrow. Let me know where Matthews is moving the cattle." He started walking away.

Eleanor watched silently, the tension, pent-up rage, and frustration melting away into a deep, aching sadness. She knew Jesse better than he knew himself, knew how much he was blaming himself for this. She should have seen it too, should have warned Billy not to fall in with Jesse. But even she couldn’t have predicted how things would unfold.

She looked up at the night sky, her eyes finding the familiar cluster of stars that made up Orion’s Belt. It was said to symbolize the eternal resting place of Osiris, and she wondered if the rest of the stars were other souls at peace. Maybe her mother was up there, staring down at her. Maybe Kathleen was watching her eldest son falter at the hands of poor influences.

Eleanor wasn’t a religious woman, but she said a silent prayer to those stars. Was she expecting an answer? Certainly not. Was she hoping for some shred of a miracle to get her out of this mess? Just maybe.

[thenightfolknetwork]

I didn't mean to. It was an accident. I swear I didn't know. I just...

The town I'm from is secluded, very secluded. Still using landlines and slow and spotty internet secluded. It's one of those towns hidden away by mountains and trees that take days to get in and out of. My point is that news is slow to get in, and about half is debated as rumor and "conspiracies against the common people."

I hope im saying this right. As i said, resources are limited, so please forgive any offense. The "People of the Night" are still thought to be myth here. If there are any um "Nightfolk" here, they haven't made themselves known. Not that I'd blame them, but it would have made this a lot easier, maybe prevented it even. I'm sorry I'm rambling, I'm still a bit shaken.

I thought I was just approachable. When someone's lost or needed help, they'd always find their way to me. No trouble at all, I enjoyed it. But it happened so often, My friends used to say that I "just had one of those faces."

It felt good to be needed. I'd ask how someone was. They'd vent to me what was going on, and I listened. If I could and they wanted it, I'd offer advice, but most just wanted to be heard.

But, a couple of weeks ago, I was walking with my best friend. We were just catching up, nothing serious. It was meant to be a joke, a reference to my tendency of "being one of those faces." I asked her if she had any dark secrets she wanted to share.

She did.

You'd thought I'd told her to do it at knifepoint. Her story came pouring out like an overpowered hose. When she finished, the look she gave me. I can't unsee it.

When it was over, i tried to thank her for trusting me with such sensitive information, but she told me to save it. I don't know how, but we both knew it was my fault.

She told my friend group what happened and now no one wants to speak to me. I tried to explain myself, but they refused to listen or trust what I had to say. Out of frustration, I asked one person why they were avoiding me, and they responded, "Because I always knew you were weird."

There was no denying that I... forced them to tell me that in some way, but it wasn't on purpose! But I must have proved something because now I can't leave my house because everyone is LOOKING at me.

I've been using a paper and pencil to get by as well as trying to learn BSL because im afraid to speak again. How many of those talks that I had were unvoluntary? How many people were forced to be honest and just pretended to be civil because they were scared of me?

I don't know if this is new or something that I'd always done. I'm alone here. The only reason I know as much as I do about the Creature Community is because I accidentally stumbled across your show on my radio.

I dont know who i am anymore. I miss singing and talking to people, but I'm terrified that I'll compel someone by accident. How do I get better? Where do I go from here?

Oh, reader. This must be a very frightening, upsetting time for you. I'm so glad you felt able to reach out to us here at the Nightfolk Network for support.

First of all, I hope you are able to see the difference between taking responsibility for your past actions, and making a martyr of yourself. You have been unthinkingly, unknowingly hurting people, and you do need to recognise that before you can try to make amends. But the harm you caused was entirely accidental. Please, be gentle with yourself.

In terms of practical steps forwards, I can reassure you: you are not alone in your powers, or in finding them difficult to control. Often powers of this kind make themselves known early in an individuals life, and you can imagine how difficult it can be to control the spoken wishes of a babbling toddler.

Nevertheless, many people in your situation go on to live perfectly ordinary lives with good control over their powers. And you have the advantage over a toddler, in that you are not only fully cognisant of the detrimental effects of such powers but also already able to find alternative ways to communicate.

Your first step is to contact your GP and arrange an appointment to discuss the matter. Write them a letter explaining the situation, and emphasising your need to conduct the appointment without speech. In a small, rural community like yours, it's very likely your GP will have little to no personal experience of such cases. But they will be able to refer you to an NHS specialist with whom you can explore possible treatment options.

In most cases, those options will be either medication, behavioural therapy, or more usually a combination of the two. I understand that there is a great deal of stigma around thauma-damping medication. Please, resist this pattern of thought.

Medication is nothing more or less than a tool we might use to help us live our lives. Taking medication does not indicate a lack of effort or will on your part in controlling your powers. It just makes a very difficult thing slightly easier.

However, NHS waiting lists for this type of treatment can be lengthy. In the meantime, I strongly recommend you reach out as best you can to your community. Writing a letter, text or email to your best friend would be a good start, explaining the situation as best you can and leaving the door open for her to rekindle the relationship if she feels able.

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to forcibly mend the relationship. You can only present yourself honestly and hope that, in time, you are able to find your way back to something like the friendship you shared before this.

In the meantime, try to connect with other people in the community if you can. The Internet can be a wonderful place to connect with others, and your local library may have information about support groups in the wider area.

Above all, reader, take heart. There is plenty to be hopeful about here. You are not doomed to a life of fearful silence, or of isolation and solitude. With a little work, and plenty of support from the people around you, I see no reason why you shouldn't enjoy a long and happy life full of genuine connection with the people around you.

[For more creaturely advice, check out Monstrous Agonies on your podcast platform of choice, or visit monstrousproductions.org for more info]

[dxncingwithastrxnger]

Hello there hope your doing well! I aint sure weather you write for this or not! But I was wondering if I could request some friendship headcanons with Lancelot and Percival?

Thank you!

(Feel free to delete my ask:)

Hello! I'm doing very well, I hope you are as well!

I definitely am okay with an ask like this, I love sharing my headcanons!! Also Lance and Percy's friendship def is very special to me, so thank you so much for asking about them!!

Tagging @alwaysamor in case you wanted to read thesseeee (since I know how you are about my nnt/4kota content 😌)

~*~

-Honestly, first of all, Percy is always asking Lance questions. Like, yes, Percy is very curious and inquisitive by nature and he questions lots of people, but whenever he has some random question that doesn't need to be answered by any specific person, he always asks Lance (as long as he can find him)

-Relating to that, Percy is the kind of person who will ask the most out of pocket questions and Lance will think he's crazy at first before genuinely starting to consider it, despite not actually wanting to. Like, they'd be walking through a field and Percy'd just be like, "How many blades of grass do you think we'd need to recreate my entire body weight?" And Lance would just give him a look and ignore the question, but then five minutes later, outta nowhere he's just like, "It has to be at least a thousand, right?" And Percy is very confused until he suddenly remembers his previous question

-ALSO relating to that, Percy is entirely convinced that Lance knows everything. As far as Percy is concerned, Lance quite literally knows all. He has all the answers to every single possible factual question that anyone could ask him. No matter how many times anyone tries to tell him differently, he insists that they're wrong

-These two are unintentionally chaotic together. Like, okay, both are pretty chaotic just in general, and most often Lance is on purpose, but when the two of them are together, they don't even really realize how absolutely unhinged they're being until someone points it out to them (i.e. when they tried to find the answer to the grass question)

-Percy is one of the very few people who knows how much Lance enjoys flora and general plant life (based on my own Lance hcs) and Lance never tells him to keep it a secret necessarily, but some intuitive part of him makes him do so and Lance was surprised but grateful when Percy explained such a thing one day

-Percy isn't exactly the best at reading the room or other people, but Lance's moods are a bit easier for him. Mostly because whenever he's pestering the poor guy for one reason or another, Lance always has some kind of sarcastic comment or a "jus' shut up already, would ya?" Or a sigh or huff or snort. There's always some kind of noise or reaction, and Percy's gotten used to that. So if Lance ever just stays quiet with zero reaction to Percy's antics, he immediately knows that something's off

-Whenever Lance is restless and under-stimulated (more Lance hcs), he specifically seeks Percy out because Percy's rambles and hyperactivity help him balance put

-On the other side of that, whenever Percy notices that Lance is overstimulated, he does his best to make sure everyone else leaves him alone (except for Tristan)

-Both are always very quick to defend each other. Percy thinks Lance is one of the most awesome people ever and doesn't ever hesitate to say so. Lance may call Percy an idiot and all kinds of other names but the moment anyone tries to genuinely underestimate Percy, he'll make sure they know how wrong they are one way or another

-Major younger sibling/older sibling energy between them

-No matter how cheery and full of energy Percy is, he's, ofc, not completely immune to upset. No matter what the reason, if he ever notices Percy's mood is down for any reason, he'll take him somewhere quiet and they'll just sit for awhile. Lance typically isn't very good at comforting most people, so this is usually the best he can do - sit calmly with someone and make sure they know he's there. For Percy, those times are always helpful, Lance being a peaceful presence beside him and making him feel safe (due to that older/younger dynamic between them)

-(if you don't ship Trislance, just ignore this one) Percy doesn't pay much attention to people's romantic interests or who likes who in that way, it's not something he typically thinks about, but one day Donny makes some kind of joke or comment about how Lance and the prince are totally crushing on each other and, after it was explained to him what that means, he suddenly made it his mission to be Lance's wingman and try and help him in his romantic advances towards Tristan, which Lance both loves and hates

-(if you don't ship Persians, just ignore this one) Lance, of course, being the extremely observant person he is, notices almost right away what's going on between Percy and Nasiens, and totally starts nudging them closer together. Percy doesn't understand much about love and romance and all that, but if Lance tells him, "Hey, Nasiens would love if someone gave him this flower and it would make him super happy" then Percy is immediately on it (he volunteers as tribute) or sometimes Lance will just offhandedly mention something or make some comment about something Nasiens does or likes or wishes or wants or he'll very purposely ask Nasiens a specific question while making sure Percy can hear and then he'll just sit back and watch as Percy uses the information to do things that'll make Nasiens happy without even really realizing why he's doing it

-Food. These two 100% bond over food

-They're both always trying to compete against each other but they will team up together without hesitation in order to beat anyone else at whatever it is they're competing about

~*~

I hope you enjoyed at least some of these!! A lot of them are also based on a lot of my headcanons for Percy and Lance just by themselves, tbh

Thank you again for the ask!! You're super awesome!! 💜💜💜

[skepticalarrie]

What do you think about this theory? https://youtu.be/h9P-D5XeKfo?si=SYUixGz1jR9yXjyW there’s also some interesting comments under the video, including the one where someone thinks that Harry’s house is a chronicle of L and H’s relationship.

Not to forget about this vid of harry saying “the first time he broke up with me”: https://youtu.be/mYoJs54gwwg?si=TEFypP-BlyT0z0ao. And I remember that one interview (pretty sure it’s this one: https://youtu.be/vW58mqY0G7c?si=shICPVTOQZOMc7Xp), where someone supposedly Liam is saying that harry wanted to remove his tattoos(?) and Louis looked heartbroken. He actually looks miserable throughout this entire vid, as it was around the time when H and Taylor started “dating”. Honestly, it all matches with some of their lyrics and I can imagine Louis not handling the pressure of this entire thing that well and “running away” from it somehow.

I believe that they are stable now, but for me there were some clear break ups.

Now let me analyze their lyrics according to those theories:

(Before I start, it’s gonna be a long run, because I found so many interesting things)

Louis:

“When you don't want coffee in the morning. I know I'm in a hole. It's hard enough to get you sober. Got no chance if I'm hungover”.

“Hey, babe. It's written all over your face, say it. A hurricane behind the door. So I've come ready for a war (…) So when you find out what we're fighting for. I'll be ready to talk”

“And we can't even be on the phone now. And I can't even be with you alone now. Oh, how shit changes. We were in love, now we're strangers”

“And I'm sorry I let you down. I guess that I know what I already knew. I was better with you. And I miss you now”.

“You let your pride hide all your beauty and your kindness. So fast to judge in error, you thought you knew me better”

“I call you but you never even answer”

Harry:

“I'm in my bed. And you're not here. And there's no one to blame but the drink in my wandering hands. Forget what I said. It's not what I meant. And I can't take it back, I can't unpack the baggage you left”

“Test of my patience. There's things that we'll never know. You sunshine, you temptress”

“And I’m just an arrogant son of a bitch. Who can't admit when he's sorry”.

“I don't wanna make you feel bad. But I've been trying hard not to talk to you”

“Sittin' in the garden, I'm a couple glasses in. I was tryna count up all the places we'vе been”

“Only callin' you when. He don't wanna be alone”

So… What I get from this is that Louis might’ve broke with Harry one time because of their difficulties, and he tried to contact him, but Harry couldn’t even bring himself to talk to him over the phone (idk it might be after the band ended). Harry admits that he has communication problems and can say too much, or judge something too soon, which might be the reason Louis left him one more time (maybe it was the first breakup??) And there’s this whole thing of them both drinking their problems away… (Not to mention, that some ppl believe that Harry isn’t sober in that 3rd video I linked here, scrolled trough the comments and there are some theories like that).

Also one funny little thing (off topic, lmao): did you notice that Louis stars Chicago with “I saw you had a baby, did you?” And Harry sings “I’m having your baby” in Kiwi. That could be their insane joke or smth like that.

Quick addition: Harry also has an a entire song that feels like a reassurance (“fine line”) & Louis mentions his supposed love interest trying to be positive during the hard time (““I come runnin' to you like a moth into a flame. You tell me, "Take it easy," but it's easier to say”).

Sorry for such a long text. I know that we can’t interpret everything literally, but honestly… there could be smth to it all.

Hi, anon. "First time he broke up with me" is very much taken out of context, he's talking about Rob Stringer.

I don’t believe in that theory, love. Maybe they did break up at some point or spent some time apart, but I think it’d be impossible for us to really know. It feels like such a stretch to try and connect dots like that. Personally, I don’t see any signs of a breakup (especially when these things were happening in real time) and I think they’ve been consistent with their signalling, plus I don’t interpret any of the songs that way. You're more than welcome to believe it if makes sense to you and I’m not saying you shouldn’t interpret lyrics however you want, but if you’re curious about my take, check out my LYRIC ANALYSIS tag. I also have a THEY NEVER BROKE UP tag for more of this topic, which... trust me, gets discussed endlessly in this fandom (for whatever reason!)