#I find it hilarious that the audio on my computer is marked as 4:20 for length

[may-bee-its-just-me]

✨Trauma dump sesh;

but make it classy because effort was put into the wordage and I cant count how many takes i did for the recording

"I’ve a naturally hyper personality; I dance while I work, sing while I clean and I try to brighten everyone’s day. I get asked why I am the way I am. “Oh it must be the coffee, that’s why she’s so quirky again after her lunch break”. Truth is, I push myself to my limits daily and crash by the afternoon. Any spare physical energy is immediately used up; taken advantage of. I’m a one woman circus act walking the line of energetic and productive, over a hundred ft. drop into despair, with nothing but the safety net that is God’s grace to protect me. I go through swings like nobody’s business, taking the highs as they come; Until I swing too high and fall out the back of my seat. In rough waters, I take every moment above water breathing heaps of fresh air up until the millisecond the next wave engulfs me; Breathing salt water with it. I’m Icarus, taking my temporary wings for a joyride; Flying too close to the sun. Sometimes this worries people. They ask if I’m okay, seeing me hunched over the kitchen table praying for another ounce of strength. They want to help but, seeing as how it’s daily, I tell them “same ol’” and let them move on with their day. And, when they ask me why I haven't seen a doctor after a year, I haven’t much to say. I can’t explain it, I don’t have the energy and they won’t understand.  People look at me like I’m crazy. My knee jerk reaction is to deny. I’m not crazy, I’m just struggling, I’m trying really hard, I’m. Not. Crazy. But the truth is, who wouldn’t be? No one understands how hard it is to live every single day in pain, until they experience it themselves. To have every motion of your hand matter. To have every action, reaction, tone of voice matter. To be ever conscious of every maneuver your body makes -  trying to limit mistakes and dropping things but still go fast enough to keep up with your job. To be hyper-aware of every micro-adjustment to your posture; In hopes that one of them makes the pain lessen and allow your mind to focus on something else for a moment. And, when needing to lift heavier objects, be careful not to lift too long or to speed-walk with them too fast, lest you cause your arms to flare up again. And, when the flare up inevitably happens, how much of the muscle spasm in your shaking hands do you allow others to see in hopes of being cut a break, but not enough that it makes your work sloppy? What do you do when your mind is fuzzy, and the room is spinning - Your heart is beating harder and you’re losing your balance - Your ear keeps ringing intermittently, and your chest feels heavy - You think you’re going to pass out, but your body isn't ready - and you don’t want to, but your heart rate still unsteady - you’re catching yourself from falling, and you’re just trying to get through the work day - So you’re stuck in limbo, between conscious and fainted - Until eventually it tapers off and you begin to question; Am I somehow faking it? Did it ever even happen in the first place? You make mention of everything hurting, all the time, just for older family and coworkers to joke about “becoming an adult - Not understanding just how deep that cuts, or what they’re really joking about. . I’m exhausted. I’m broken. I’m weak. I’m frustrated. I’m burnt out. I’m beat. I want to rest, but even after a long day of hard work and minimal issues - The pain creeps up when I lay my head down for sleep. I don’t want to be a miserable person, I don’t want to be consumed by my struggle. I want to keep hold of faith for healing, stay hopeful for better days. I want to spread joy. So I break my body to keep up in the day, deal with the consequences by night, and repeat in the morning. I’ve a hyper personality, tied down by my body. A personified contradiction, walking a tightrope, swinging forward and back, halfway underwater, too close to the sun."

~ Bee, 11/20/2024 [Wannabee poet and rich person]