#I felt this way when Little Monica was conducting their final sale

[crapolicedolls]

There are doll companies that have been with us for a long time. Through thick and thin! And still offering your favorite sculpts.

Or, maybe they're not your favorite, but they were dolls that piqued your interest and you notice them every time you see them. "Maybe someday," you might think to yourself. But these brands are ever reliable, always there, so there's no danger of the doll going away.

Is there a doll or company that is an intermittent passing fancy, one to catch your eye when you remember they exist? If all bjd production were to shut down, which doll do you think you'd feel fomo for the most?

[theonyxpath]

First, it’s They Came From Beyond the Grave! and the Kickstarter that would not die. Or died and came back, if that’s more appropriate to the genre.

We’ve a little more than two weeks to go and it is shambling along having passed another Stretch Goal last week! You can gather more details in the Kickstarter section below!

Then there’s They Came from Beneath the Sea! whose PDF and PoD versions go on sale this Wednesday on DTRPG. Now this isn’t the traditionally printed version that was the main reward for its Kickstarter – that’s getting shipped over to the KS fulfillment gang at Studio2.

We need the other parts of that KS, like the Screen, to get there before Studio2 can start fulfilling the KS, but everything is being worked on at this point, so not too long now!

Finally, just wanted to throw out a little thought exercise to everyone. We’ve chatted in panels and such online about what could be next for They Came From…!, and I think we even have a thread about that topic on our Onyx Path forums, with such titles as They Came from Boot Hill! or They Came From Over Yonder! (Western genre), They Came From Under the Bed! (kid’s scary shows), and They Came From Past the Moon! (spaceship sci-fi).

But what would you be interested in? They Came From Monster Island!, maybe? Give us your thoughts in the comments section below!

From The Monday Meeting-

We reviewed our panel at Gen Con Online today in the Monday Meeting, and here are some interesting thoughts about that and more from Eddy Webb:

Our attendance at the What’s Up panel definitely seemed better than usual for Gen Con, but (understandably) lower than when we did it at Onyx Path Con a couple months back. The chat seemed well behaved, too. I think it’s worth doing again.

Related, one of the panels I did was in Second Life on Saturday. I admit I was skeptical, but the people running it were some old friends of mine, so I gave it a try, and honestly it really scratched an itch that Twitch streams don’t. They built out a large chunk of the Indianapolis convention center, down to the Grand Ballroom and the food trucks, as well as more fantastical settings like a fantasy forest and a post-apocalypse landscape. Many of the people I talked to were very new to tabletop RPGs and just excited to hear about things like Pugmire. And, to be honest, not having a camera on my face all the time made me feel a lot more comfortable, and the chats I was having before and after the event felt more like coming and going to an in-person panel. Yes, it also suffered from some disjointed messaging and the like, but we had a talk about dealing with things like the learning curve, and they have some good ideas for other conventions going forward. The group is called VRazethebar, and it’s something I’m definitely keeping an eye on.

Which is actually pretty cool. A VR space to gather in rather than the stacked head-shots sounds really interesting and immersive. The future of LARPing?

The Dog Days of Summer Sale on our Deluxe X20 books and Screens and even dice is going gangbusters over at IPR. I’m told we are completely out of the very last Werewolf: The Apocalypse 20th Anniversary Editions!

We added Changeling: The Dreaming 20th to the sale as well, so that includes the Deluxe book, the Screen, and C20 Dice!

Finally, we realized today that a bunch of us were going to be out all next week, and rather than having folks hang around as a skeleton crew, I just declared next week as a holiday for the whole company!

Frankly, we are beat every way somebody could be. Mentally, psychologically, physically, psychically, emotionally, creatively: BEAT. Our crew needs and deserves a break!

So, no MMN Blog next week, although we’ll probably put up a KS reminder or something like that late Monday.

No Onyx Pathcast next week, although I understand that this Friday the Trio will suggest their favorite ones to listen to while they’re gone.

We will have a project for sale that Weds, the 12th, as we can set that up ahead of time. More details below, but I’m thrilled to say it’s Mysteries of the World: The Scion Companion. I know a lot of folks have been waiting for more official Scion material – so here it is!

After a break to recharge, we’re hoping to come bouncing back all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (and fanged and caped) and get right back into taking you to our:

Many Worlds, One Path!

Blurbs!

Kickstarter!

The They Came From Beyond the Grave! Kickstarter continues to claw its way free, and in the process it reveals treasures hidden in the grave dirt: the Screen and the first section of Monsters from the Crypt: a book containing More Monsters, and also an exclusive KS t-shirt coupon! Next up in Stretch Goals are even More Monsters and electronic Wallpaper!

Thanks to all of you who have pledged to enable this fantastic project and its Stretch Goals!

Here’s a specially-made special trailer by the brilliant Larry Blamire:

And keep your eyes open for:

Onyx Path Media!

This week: They Came From Beyond the Grave! actual play!

As always, this Friday’s Onyx Pathcast will be on Podbean or your favorite podcast venue! https://onyxpathcast.podbean.com/

First, let’s start with some amazing news: our amazing creators, players, and audiences worked together last week to produce some fantastic content for our Twitch channel, and not only that, they raise a grand total of $2,734.69 for charity! This is a wonderful accomplishment, and our hats go off to Travis Legge and the rest of the team who contributed to the running of this campaign.

If you missed the special streams we ran, do not despair: they are still available over on twitch.tv/theonyxpath. Give us a follow, and you can find a huge number of videos of all kinds of games, PLUS, our What’s Up with Onyx Path? livestream conducted for Gen Con weekend! This week on Twitch, expect to see these games and streams running:

Scarred Lands

Mage 20: Technocracy Reloaded

Scion – Behind the Screen

They Came from Beyond the Grave!

Mage: The Awakening – Occultists Anonymous

Scarred Lands – Purge of the Serpentholds

Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition

Even more Technocracy Reloaded!

Get watching for some fantastic insight into how to run these wonderful games and subscribe to us on Twitch, over at twitch.tv/theonyxpath

Over on YouTube, our friends at Red Moon Roleplaying have concluded their They Came from Beyond the Grave! story, with their usual excellent editing, quality, and in this case, a lovely cast of players led by Director, Matthew Dawkins! Come join in and listen to the Cult of Abaddon at play: https://youtu.be/RDYzNbk7VkQ

Come take a look at our YouTube channel, youtube.com/user/theonyxpath, where you can find a whole load of videos of actual plays, dissections of our games, and more, including:

Storytellers with Coffee – The Games of Onyx Path – https://youtu.be/QxRRq-WQytg

Changeling: The Lost – Littlebrook Reunion Episode 24 – https://youtu.be/huEkMrUcR2Q

Blood City: Chicago by Night Episode 22 – https://youtu.be/eYkgKmDY9-o

(Matthew’s favourite) Scarred Lands – Purge of the Serpentholds Episode 9 – https://youtu.be/3_mdkDrSezY

Deviant: The Renegades – A Cautionary Tale – Episode One – https://youtu.be/b394NFi0gnU

Realms of Pugmire: Paws & Claws – S2E9 – https://youtu.be/UAGU27vkJ54

Subscribe to our channel and click the bell icon if you want to be notified whenever new news videos and uploads come online!

Systematic Understanding of Everything is a new Exalted Explainer Podcast by Exalted Dev Monica Speca and Exalted Writer Chazz Kellner that is breaking down Creation in 45 minute chunks in preparation for Exalted Essence.

Their most recent episode in on Creation and its history – https://anchor.fm/exaltcast/episodes…reation-eg2g9d

Get past episodes at http://www.exaltcast.com/

The Story Told Podcast have just started a new chapter in their Fall of Jiara Exalted chronicle, and we’d love it if you gave them some support. Here’s episode one!

https://thestorytold.libsyn.com/fall-of-jiara-act-1-summary-recounting-of-the-past

And here’s their character introductions:

https://thestorytold.libsyn.com/fall-of-jiara-character-intros

Please check these out and let us know if you find or produce any actual plays of our games! We’d love to feature you!

Electronic Gaming!

As we find ways to enable our community to more easily play our games, the Onyx Dice Rolling App is live! Our dev team has been doing updates since we launched based on the excellent use-case comments by our community, and this thing is awesome! (Seriously, you need to roll 100 dice for Exalted? This app has you covered.)

We’re told that the App Dev is currently creating an updated version for the latest devices, so keep an eye open for those!

Virtual TableTop!

Introducing a Virtual Tabletop encounter pack for the Trinity Continuum Core: Hunt for the Red Widow on DTRPG!

Hunt for the Red Widow is a short encounter designed starting Talents in the Trinity Continuum Core setting. When a renowned but mysterious thief known as The Red Widow steals an ancient artifact from the Æon Society’s vaults, it is up to the party to track her down and recover the device. She is heading to an old ruin said to unlock the artifact’s true power. Can the heroes reach her in time?

Inside you’ll find:

A short encounter for use with the Trinity Continuum Corebook

Two new antagonists: The Red Widow, and her minions, known simply as “Ghosts.” Virtual tabletop tokens are included to represent the antagonists

Two maps, ready to be uploaded into your virtual tabletop platform of choice

New Anomaly Powers.

On Amazon and Barnes & Noble!

You can now read our fiction from the comfort and convenience of your Kindle (from Amazon) and Nook (from Barnes & Noble).

If you enjoy these or any other of our books, please help us by writing reviews on the site of the sales venue from which you bought it. Reviews really, really help us get folks interested in our amazing fiction!

Our selection includes these latest fiction books:

Our Sales Partners!

We’re working with Studio2 to get Pugmire and Monarchies of Mau out into stores, as well as to individuals through their online store. You can pick up the traditionally printed main book, the screen, and the official Pugmire dice through our friends there! https://studio2publishing.com/search?q=pugmire

We’ve added Prince’s Gambit to our Studio2 catalog: https://studio2publishing.com/products/prince-s-gambit-card-game

Now, we’ve added Changeling: The Lost Second Edition products to Studio2‘s store! See them here: https://studio2publishing.com/collections/all-products/changeling-the-lost

Scion 2e books and other products are available now at Studio2: https://studio2publishing.com/blogs/new-releases/scion-second-edition-book-one-origin-now-available-at-your-local-retailer-or-online

Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Try this link! http://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/Onyx-Path-Publishing/

And you can order Pugmire, Monarchies of Mau, Cavaliers of Mars, and Changeling: The Lost 2e at the same link! And now Scion Origin and Scion Hero and Trinity Continuum Core and Trinity Continuum: Aeon are available to order

It’s the return of the DOG DAYS OF SUMMER SALE!

As always, you can find Onyx Path’s titles at DriveThruRPG.com!

On Sale This Week!

This Wednesday, the PDF and PoD versions of They Came From Beneath the Sea! arise from the depths and go on sale on DTRPG!

They Came from Beneath the Sea! is a dramatic and farcical tabletop roleplaying game encompassing the wonder, horror, thrills, and humor of 1950s and 1960s science fiction. This game allows you to play with all the great content from the B-movies of decades ago, and promises a dynamic, fun time for all involved!

In They Came from Beneath the Sea! you play humans in a world under attack. The attackers? Aliens from beneath the sea (obviously). Adventures range from the one-shot defense of a small coastal town, to the lengthier liberation of a cruise ship infested with gill-folk, all the way to the story in which characters seize an alien submarine and ride it all the way down to the sea bed to take the fight to the invaders. In this game, your protagonists are strong-jawed war veterans, cunning and resourceful explorers, utterly insane scientists, and blue-collar heroes, just looking to defend their patches of land. 

They Came from Beneath the Sea! contains a mix of serious threat and unbridled farce. While the book plays it straight with no winking at the camera, your game will include ludicrous statements and events taken with all the gravitas of your boat being set on fire. While this game provides rules for funny quips and amusing cinematics for incorporation in a scenario, we leave it to the players and Director to discover the correct level of humor for your game.

They Came from Beneath the Sea! uses the Storypath System, provided in full in the pages of this book!

They Came from Beneath the Sea! includes:

• Five playable Archetypes — the Everyman, the G-Man, the Mouth, the Scientist, and the Survivor!

• Rules for character creation and play, using the Storypath System fully detailed in this book!

• Cinematic powers such as the ability to insert deleted scenes in your game, cut to black when everything is looking a bit too grim, and redirect shots to kill the extras!

• Quips to throw in at appropriate (and sometimes inappropriate) moments, giving your characters the chance at an award-winning scene!

• The history and setting of the 1950s world presented in this book!

• Scores of aliens promising the fall of the human race, presenting a broad array of dangers and objectives for repeat play!

• Two ready-to-play scenarios, straight out of the book!

And on Wednesday the 12th, we are delving into the Mysteries of the World: The Scion Companion, in PDF and PoD versions on DTRPG!

Though knowledge, wisdom, and the ability to see the unseen are many Scions’ birthrights, the World holds infinite secrets. Gaze deep into Tezcatlipoca’s mirror or the eyes of an avian bringer of omens, and no matter how sagacious you imagine yourself to be, you’ll learn something new — or something older than time.

Scion: Mysteries of the World presents optional rules and new pantheons, expands upon setting elements and systems, and gives Storyguides and players both a leg up in not only understanding Scion’s particular brand of the Storypath system, but fine-tuning it to meet their table’s needs. You don’t need this book to play a game of Scion, but if you want to explore the World and its many mysteries in more depth, it’s got you covered.

This book includes:

A system and advice for dialing elements of the game setting up and down to uniquely suit your game;

An expansion of cults, crafting, and relics;

Three new pantheons — the Loa of Haiti, the Nemetondevos of Gaul, and the Yazata of Persia — as well as the optional Atlantean pantheon, as an example that comes with advice and rules for how to create your own custom Purviews and pantheons;

A guide for converting Scion First Edition characters and stories to Second Edition.

Conventions!

Though dates for physical conventions are subject to change due to the current COVID-19 outbreak, here’s what’s left of our current list of upcoming conventions (and really, we’re just waiting for this last one to be cancelled even though it’s Nov/Dec). Instead, keep an eye out here for more virtual conventions we’re going to be involved with:

PAX Unplugged: https://unplugged.paxsite.com/

And now, the new project status updates!

Development Status from Eddy Webb! (Projects in bold have changed status since last week.):

First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep.)

Exalted Essay Collection (Exalted)

The Devoted Companion (Deviant: The Renegades)

M20 Technocracy Operative’s Dossier (Mage: The Ascension 20th Anniversary)

Prometheus Unbound (was Psi Orders) (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

No Gods, No Masters (Scion 2nd Edition)

Redlines

Dragon-Blooded Novella #2 (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Wild Hunt (Scion 2nd Edition)

CtL 2e Novella Collection: Hollow Courts (Changeling: The Lost 2e)

Adversaries of the Righteous (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Squeaks In The Deep (Realms of Pugmire)

Trinity Continuum: Anima

Second Draft

Many-Faced Strangers – Lunars Companion (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Contagion Chronicle Ready-Made Characters (Chronicles of Darkness)

Dead Man’s Rust (Scarred Lands)

The Clades Companion (Deviant: The Renegades)

M20 Rich Bastard’s Guide To Magick (Mage: The Ascension 20th Anniversary)

Dystopia Rising: Evolution Fiction Anthology (Dystopia Rising: Evolution)

Hundred Devil’s Night Parade (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Novas Worldwide (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Exalted Essence Edition (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Saints and Monsters (Scion 2nd Edition)

Development

TC: Aberrant Reference Screen (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Across the Eight Directions (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Contagion Chronicle: Global Outbreaks (Chronicles of Darkness)

Exigents (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Assassins (Trinity Continuum Core)

Kith and Kin (Changeling: The Lost 2e)

V5 Forbidden Religions (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

V5 Children of the Blood (was The Faithful Undead) (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Trinity Continuum: Adventure! core (Trinity Continuum: Adventure!)

Manuscript Approval

Crucible of Legends (Exalted 3rd Edition)

M20 Victorian Mage (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

V5 Trails of Ash and Bone (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Mission Statements (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Post-Approval Development

Editing

Lunars Novella (Rosenberg) (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition core rulebook (Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition)

Player’s Guide to the Contagion Chronicle (Chronicles of Darkness)

Contagion Chronicle Jumpstart (Chronicles of Darkness)

TC: Aberrant Jumpstart (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

LARP Rules (Scion 2nd Edition)

Heirs to the Shogunate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

The Book of Lasting Death (Mummy: The Curse 2e)

Scion: Dragon (Scion 2nd Edition)

Scion: Demigod (Scion 2nd Edition)

Dearly Bleak – Novella (Deviant: The Renegades)

N!ternational Wrestling Entertainment (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Under Alien Skies (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Post-Editing Development

City of the Towered Tombs (Cavaliers of Mars)

W20 Shattered Dreams Gift Cards (Werewolf: The Apocalypse 20th)

Cults of the Blood Gods (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Hunter: The Vigil 2e core (Hunter: The Vigil 2nd Edition)

Trinity Continuum: Aberrant core (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Deviant: The Renegades (Deviant: The Renegades)

Monsters of the Deep (They Came From Beneath the Sea!)

Legendlore core book (Legendlore)

Pirates of Pugmire KS-Added Adventure (Realms of Pugmire)

Tales of Aquatic Terror (They Came From Beneath the Sea!)

Terra Firma (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

One Foot in the Grave Jumpstart (Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2e)

Masks of the Mythos (Scion 2nd Edition)

Trinity Continuum Jumpstart (Trinity Continuum)

They Came From Beyond the Grave! (They Came From!)

Indexing

Lunars: Fangs At The Gate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Art Direction from Mike Chaney!

In Art Direction

Tales of Aquatic Terror

WoD Ghost Hunters (KS)

Aberrant

Hunter: The Vigil 2e

Mummy 2

Deviant – Sam doing fulls for this next. Contracting out all the rest.

Legendlore

Technocracy Reloaded

Cults of the Blood God – Rolling along.

Scion: Dragon (KS) – Splats contracted.

Masks of the Mythos (KS) – KS art contracted, a couple of finals already in.

Scion: Demigod (KS) – Fulls are almost done… other stuff progressing.

They Came From Beyond the Grave! (KS) – KS running.

TC: Adventure! (KS) – Cover is in.

Geist: One Foot In the Grave

In Layout

Yugman’s Guide to Ghelspad

Vigil Watch

V5 Let the Streets Run Red – Almost wrapped up, still working on Loresheets.

Pugmire Adventure

Scion Titanomachy

Trinity Core Jumpstart

Proofing

Trinity Aeon Jumpstart – PoD files updated.

Lunars: Fangs at the Gate – Indexing.

Cavaliers of Mars: City of the Towered Tombs

Magic Item Decks (Scarred Lands)

Yugman’s Guide Support Decks (Scarred Lands)

TC Aeon Terra Firma

At Press

TCFBTS Heroic Land Dwellers – PoD proof on the way.

TCFBTS Screen and Booklet – Files at press.

They Came from Beneath the Sea! – Shipping from printer to KS fulfiller, PDF and PoD versions on sale this Weds.

Pirates of Pugmire – Shipping from printer to KS fulfiller.

Pirates of Pugmire Screen – Files at press.

Dark Eras 2 – Files printing.

Dark Eras 2 Screen and booklet – Files at press.

Changeling: The Lost 2nd Edition Dark Eras Compilation – PoD proof on the way.

Contagion Chronicle – Press prep.

Contagion Chronicle Screen and Booklet – Files at press.

Lunars Wall Scroll Map – Files at press.

Lunars Screen and Booklet – Files at press.

Scarred Lands Creature Collection – Printing.

Scion Companion – One PoD proof in, other expected this week. PDF and PoD versions on sales next Weds, not this Weds!

Today’s Reason to Celebrate!

One happy and one sad today. Today is the 49th birthday of our Kickstarter Concierge James Bell! James has been a ray of blinding golden light or a veritable Grond of Kickstarter-running for us and we’re sure glad to have him! Have a great day, eh!

Mike Chaney let us know today of the passing of his mother last night. None of us ever met her, but she managed to raise one of the nicest people, and talented art direction and layout maestro, that Mike is, so we feel like we have in a way. Thank you so much for that, ma’am. RIP.

[illbefinealonereads]

Blog tour day! Allow me to tell you more about Husband Material by Emily Belden, as well as share an excerpt from the book.

Husband Material : A Novel Emily Belden On Sale Date: December 30, 2019 9781525805981, 1525805983 Trade Paperback $15.99 USD, $19.99 CAD Fiction / Romance / Romantic Comedy 304 pages

Told in Emily Belden's signature edgy voice, a novel about a young widow's discovery of her late husband's secret and her journey toward hope and second-chance love.

Twenty-nine-year-old Charlotte Rosen has a secret: she’s a widow. Ever since the fateful day that leveled her world, Charlotte has worked hard to move forward. Great job at a hot social media analytics company? Check. Roommate with no knowledge of her past? Check. Adorable dog? Check. All the while, she’s faithfully data-crunched her way through life, calculating the probability of risk—so she can avoid it.

Yet Charlotte’s algorithms could never have predicted that her late husband’s ashes would land squarely on her doorstep five years later. Stunned but determined, Charlotte sets out to find meaning in this sudden twist of fate, even if that includes facing her perfectly coiffed, and perfectly difficult, ex-mother-in-law—and her husband’s best friend, who seems to become a fixture at her side whether she likes it or not.

But soon a shocking secret surfaces, forcing Charlotte to answer questions she never knew to ask and to consider the possibility of forgiveness. And when a chance at new love arises, she’ll have to decide once and for all whether to follow the numbers or trust her heart.

Advance Praise for Husband Material

“Tackling thorny questions of widowhood and dating after trauma, Belden's second novel is witty, full of heart, and blindingly au courant. Packed with pop-culture references, it will appeal to fans of Sophie Kinsella, Rosie Walsh, and Plum Sykes. Belden writes twists and turns to keep readers hooked.” —Booklist

“Charming.” —Publishers Weekly

“Sensitive, thoughtful, and touching.” —Library Journal

“In this touching, witty, and timely book, Emily Belden deftly explores the complexities of human relationships in our increasingly tech-obsessed world. By turns heartbreaking and laugh-out-loud funny, Husband Material beautifully demonstrates that you can't reduce love to a bunch of 1s and 0s.”

—Kristin Rockaway, author of How To Hack a Heartbreak

Buy Links: Harlequin Amazon Barnes & Noble Indie Bound Kobo Google Books

Author Bio: EMILY BELDEN is a journalist, social media marketer, and storyteller. She is the author of the novel Hot Mess and Eightysixed: A Memoir about Unforgettable Men, Mistakes, and Meals. She lives in Chicago. Visit her website at www.emilybelden.com or follow her on Twitter and Instagram, @emilybelden

Genre: Romance, Chick-Lit

Rating: 4/5 stars

Review: This was a very fun read for me. Belden writes in a style that I really enjoy, it feels fresh and light. Though the book tackled some heavy subjects, none of it was felt in the writing. The plot was paced well, and the way it progressed felt natural. The idea behind the book was beautifully executed. The characters were well developed and set up in a way that kept the book dynamic and entertaining. Though the characters aren’t relatable, straying from most books in the romance genre, Husband Material didn’t need to rely on that to make the book as enjoyable as it was. All it needed was the wit that Belden incorporated in it, and that was enough for me.

Excerpt:

Well, that’s a first.

And I’m not talking about the fact that I brought a date to a wedding I’m pretty sure didn’t warrant me a plus-one. I’m talking about grabbing a wedding card that just so happened to say “Congrats, Mr. & Mr.” on my way to cele­brate the nuptials of the most iconic heterosexual couple since George and Amal. This—and a king-sized KitKat bar from the checkout lane—is what I get for rushing through the greet­ing card aisle in Target while my Uber driver waited in the loading zone with his f lashers on.

It’s Monica and Danny’s big day. She’s my coworker, whose gorgeous face is constantly lining the glossy pages of Luxe LA magazine. Not only because she’s one of the leading ladies at Forbes’s new favorite company, The Influencer Firm, but because this socialite-turned-CEO is now married to Dan­iel Jones—head coach of the LA Galaxy, Los Angeles’s pro­fessional soccer team. If you’re thinking he must look like a derivative of an American David Beckham, you’re basicallythere. Let’s just hope their sense of humor is as good as their looks when they see the card I accidentally picked out.

Before I place it on the gift table, I stuff the envelope with a crisp hundred-dollar bill fresh from the ATM. Side note: I think wedding registries are bullshit. Everybody wants an ice cream maker until you have one and never use it, which is why I spring for cold, hard cash instead. I grab a black Sharpie marker from the guest book table, pop the cap off, and attempt to squeeze in a nondescript s after the second “Mr.,” hoping my makeshift, hand-drawn serif font letter doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb. I blow on the fresh ink, then hold the pseudo Pinterest-fail an arm’s length away. That’ll do, I think to myself.

I lift a glass of red wine from a caterer’s tray as if we cho­reographed the move and check the time on my Apple Watch, which arguably isn’t the most fashionable accessory when dressing for a chic summer wedding. But aside from the fact that it doesn’t quite match my strapless pale yellow cocktail dress, it serves a much greater purpose for me. It keeps my data front and center, right where I want it, not on my phone buried somewhere deep in my purse. Bonus: the band, smack-dab on the middle of my wrist, also covers a tattoo I’ve been meaning to have lasered off.

Other than telling me the time, 7:30 p.m., it also serves up my most recent Tinder notifications. I’ve gotten four new matches since this morning, which isn’t bad for a) a Saturday, since most people do their Tindering while zoning out at work or bored in bed at night; and b) a pushing-thirty New York native whose most recent relationship was the love-hate one with a stubborn last ten pounds. That’s me, by the way. Charlotte Rosen.

Though present and accounted for now, the battle of Tide pen vs. toothpaste stain went on for longer than I intended back at my apartment, causing me to arrive about half an hour late to the cocktail hour. Which means I for sure missed Monica and Dan’s ceremony in its entirety. I, of all people, know that’srude. I’m someone who is hypersensitive to people’s arrival ten­dencies (well, to all measurable tendencies, to be honest; more on that later). But I’m sort of glad I missed the I Dos, as there is still something about witnessing the exchange of vows that makes me a little squeamish. I got married five years ago and, well, I’m not married anymore—let’s put it that way.

The good news is that with time, I can feel it’s definitely getting easier to come to things like this. To believe that the couple really will stay together through it all. To believe that there is such a thing as “the one”—even if it may actually be “the other” that I’m looking for this next go-round.

Late as I may be to the wedding party, there are some perks to my delayed arrival. Namely, the line at the bar has died down enough for me to trade up this mediocre red wine for a decent gin and tonic. Another perk? Several fresh platters of bacon-wrapped dates have just descended like UFOs onto the main floor of the venue, which happens to be a barn from the 1800s. Except this is Los Angeles, and there are no barns from the 1800s. So instead, every creaky floorboard, every corroded piece of siding, and every decrepit roof shingle has been sourced from deep in the countryside of southwest Iowa to create the sense that guests are surrounded by rolling fields, fragrant orchard blossoms, and fruiting trees. The reality being that just outside the wooden walls of the coveted, three-year-long-wait-list Oak Mill Barn stands honking, gridlocked traf­fic on the 405 and an accompanying smog alert.

As I continue to wait for my impromptu wedding date, Chad, to come back from the bathroom, I robotically swipe left on the first three guys who pop up on Bumble, another dating app I’m on, then finally decide to message a guy who looks like a bright-eyed Jason Bateman (you know, pre-Ozark) and is a stockbroker, according to his profile. We end up matching and he asks me for drinks. I vaguely accept. Wel­come to dating in LA.

I’ve conducted some research that has shown that after the age of thirty, it becomes exponentially harder to find your fu­ture husband. What number constitutes exponentially? I’m not sure yet, but I’m working on narrowing in on that because generalities don’t really cut it for me. Thinking through things logically like this centers me, calms me, and resets me—no matter what life throws my way. All that’s to say, I’m officially in my last good year of dating (and my last year of not having to include a night serum in my skin care regimen), and I’m determined not to wind up with my dog, my roommate, and a few low-maintenance houseplants as my sole life partners.

“Sorry that took so long,” says Chad, returning from the men’s room twenty minutes after leaving. “Did you know the bathroom at this place is an actual outhouse? Thank god it was leg day at the gym—I had to squat over the pot. My quads are burning nice now.”

Confession. I didn’t just bring a date to the wedding, I brought a blind date.

No worries, though. Monica knows how serious I am about the path to Mr. Right and supports the fact that I go on my fair share of dates to get me there quicker. Plus, he isn’t a total stranger; she knows him—or, she met him, rather. He attended her work event last week at the LA County Museum of Art and is supposedly this cute, single real estate something or other. Of course he tried to hit on her and, unlike most beau­tiful people in Los Angeles, Monica actually copped to being in a committed relationship with Danny. (Who doesn’t like to brag they’re marrying Mr. Galaxy himself?) So she did the next best thing and gave him her single coworker’s Instagram handle and told him to slide into my DMs. It’s a bold move on her part, but I appreciate her quick thinking and commit­ment to my cause, Operation: Reclassify My Marital Status.

Since Chad first messaged me a week ago, I’ve done my homework on him. And I’m not talking about just your basic cyber stalking. I’m talking about procuring and sifting through real, bona fide data. It’s essentially a version of what I’m paid to do for a living—track down all the “influencers,” people with a lot of fans and followers on the internet, and match them to events we plan for our clients so they can post on so­cial media and boost our clients’ profiles.

Some may think my side-project software, the one that com­putes how much of a match I am with someone, is a bit…much, but I don’t see it that way at all. I’m on the hunt for a man who is a true match for me—one who won’t just up and leave in the blink of an eye. I left things up to fate once and look how that turned out. I’ll be damned if I do it that way again.

While I studied up on Chad, I conducted a hefty “image search,” yielding about a hundred photos of him that have been uploaded across a variety of social platforms over the years. In real life, I’m pleased to say he checks out. Chad is over six feet tall, tanned, and toned, with coiffed Zac Efron hair that’s on the verge of being described as “a bit extra.” From the shoul­ders up, he’s an emoji. A walking, talking emoji. But as I step back and admire him in his expertly tailored suit, he looks like a contestant on The Bachelor. In retrospect, Chad is just the right amount of good-looking to complement my physical appearance, which can be described as a made-for-TV version of an otherwise good-looking actress.

“Something to drink, sir?” one of the caterers asks Chad.

“Yes. A spicy margarita. Unless… Wait. Do you make the margarita mix yourselves? Or is it, like, that sugary store-bought crap?”

Eek. I had forgotten my discovery that Chad is a bit of a…wellness guru. I guess so is everyone in LA, but I can’t help but be taken aback when I hear that there are people who actually care about the scientific makeup of margarita mix.

“Fuck it. Too many calories either way,” Chad announces before giving the waitress a chance to answer his question. “I’ll just take a whiskey.”

“Splash of Coke?”

“God, no. So many empty calories.”

With his drink order in, Chad rolls his neck around and pops bones I never knew existed. Then, one by one, the joints in his fingers. The sound makes me a bit queasy but I’m try­ing to focus on the positive, like his beautiful hazel eyes and the fact that cherry tomatoes and mini mozzarella balls with an injection of balsamic vinegar are the latest and greatest munchie to hit the floor.

Chad turns to me with a smile, his palm connecting with the small of my back. “Should we find our seats? What table are we at?”

Good question, I think to myself. I’m at table six. Chad is…on a fold-up chair we will have to ask a caterer to squeeze between me and Monica’s great-aunt Sally? I kind of forgot to mention to him that I didn’t really get an official okay to bring him tonight.

“Table six,” I say pleasantly with a smile.

“Six is my lucky number. Well, that, and nine, if you know what I mean,” Chad says with a wink accompanied by an ac­tual thumbs-up.

The waitress comes back with his whiskey neat, and he proposes we clink our glasses in a toast to meeting up as we make our way to the table. Still not over the lingering effects of his immature, pervysixty-nine joke, I reluctantly concede to do the cheers with the perpetual high-schooler.

“So, what did you think of Monica’s event?” I say to break the ice as we take our seats at the luckily empty round table.

“Well, I don’t really know what she does for a living, but she is fine as hell. I mean, that’s why I hit on her last week atthe LACMA. Sure, I saw the ring on her finger, but couldn’t resist saying hi to a goddess like her. My god, that woman is something else.”

I nod in agreement. Partly because, yes, Monica Hoang needs her own beauty column in Marie Claire, stat. And partly because I’m too shocked by his crass demeanor to really do or say anything else. Did I say Chad reminded me of a contes­tant on The Bachelor? I think I meant he reminds me of a guy who gets sent home on night one of The Bachelor.

“She said you’re a real estate…attorney, was it?” I awk­wardly segue. “What’s your favorite neighborhood in Los Angeles?”

It sounds like I’m interviewing him for a job, which in a way, I am. But had I known the conversation was going to be like forcefully wringing out a damp rag, just hoping to squeeze out something semidecent, I would have never invited him to join me at the wedding. In fact, I likely wouldn’t have gone through with a date, of any kind, at all. Conversation skills rank high on my list of preferred qualities in a mate. Looks like he’s the exception to the rule that attorneys are good lin­guists, because my app sure as shit didn’t predict this fail.

So how does my software work, then? Well, it’s all about compatibility. My algorithm is programmed to know what I like and what I’m looking for in the long term. So to see if a guy is a match, I comb through his online profiles, enter the facts I find out about him, and generate a report that indi­cates how likely he is to be my future husband or how likely we would be to get a divorce, for example. One of the most helpful stats is how likely we are to go on a second date. I’ve determined that anyone scoring above 70 percent means that chances are good we’d go out again. And, well, a second date is the first step to marriage. You get the point. Anyone below a 70, I ignore and move on. Chad pulled a 74, which is a solidC if you’re using a high school grading system. Not stellar, but certainly passable with room for improvement.

As it’s turning out, there’s a lot of room for improvement.

“Huh? I’m not in real estate,” he says with a confused look on his face.

“Oh, Monica said you were an attorney at Laird & Hutchin­son?”

“Well, yes, that’s the name of our firm. The Laird side is real estate. But they acquired Hutchinson a couple years ago, and that’s the side of the practice I work on.”

“What kind of law is Hutchinson?”

“We’re the ‘Life’s too short, get a divorce!’ guys. You’ve probably seen a few of our company’s billboards.”

Chad slides his business card my way, and as soon as I see the logo, I picture those billboards slathered all over the bus stop benches down Laurel Canyon Drive and feel physically ill. Not only because he’s in the business of making divorce seem cheeky, but also because I’m wondering what other things I might have missed or gotten wrong about Chad.

“Wait. So have you ever been divorced?” The question pops off my tongue involuntarily. As soon as the words come out, I remember he reserves the right to ask me the same question in return and immediately regret posing it. I’m not ready to explain the demise of my first marriage.

“Me? Nah. Never married.”

Luckily, a server reappears to take our dinner order. But let it be known that if Chad had asked, I would have explained that I didn’t give up on my life partner because I was frus­trated he failed to load a dishwasher in any sort of methodical way. I didn’t just get bored and say “screw it,” chalking the whole thing up as just a starter marriage (google it, this is a thing now). In fact, if anyone abruptly left anyone, he aban­doned me out of nowhere.

“Would you like the chicken and veggies or the short rib and scalloped potatoes?” the caterer asks me.

“Short rib and potatoes,” I say, a game-time decision made entirely by my growling stomach.

At that, Chad looks at me like I rolled into the Vatican wear­ing a tube top. “You sure about that, Char? There are so many hidden carbs in potatoes,” he whispers with a hint of disgust.

First off, Char is reserved for people with a little more ten­ure in my life, thankyouverymuch. And secondly—

“Yes, I’m sure. An extra scoop of potatoes if possible,” I say, loud enough for our waitress, who jots down the special instruction.

“Chicken for me. Extra veggies,” my 74 percent match re­quests.

There it is. His wellness obsession flaring up again. I’m racking my brain for what to say next to a guy who screams “dead end” to me.

 Excerpted from Husband Materialby Emily Belden, Copyright ©2019 by Emily Belden. Published by Graydon House Books.