#I feel so guilty in not sharing the whole artwork here

[nemo-in-wonderland]

Just a small preview of the artwork I was working on last night.

I am just now realizng how much I needed to draw Dora as a Grand Master but more importantly completely embracing who she is and who she was born to be (the whole appartenance to the Templar Order goes waaaay back in time, on her mother's side).

I am having so much fun.

I truly hope you will like this.

--Nemo

[from-a-legends-pov]

Star Wars Legends Highlight of the Week: “You showed up for your wedding day with a blaster?”

In this feature, a fan will share one thing they love from Star Wars Legends - a book, a comic, an author, a character, a scene, an event, or anything else they want to highlight – and tell us more about it.

If you, too, love Legends, follow @from-a-legends-pov and check out our From a Legends Point of View fanfiction event, where we’ll be working with writers to build a collection of Star Wars Legends fanfiction set during the time of the Original Trilogy. Writer signups are open now through June 2, 2024 – use our Signup Form here to pitch your story concepts (Signup Guidelines available here), and please encourage your favorite writers to participate!

Today’s Legends highlight is an arc from the 2013 Star Wars comics run from Dark Horse Comics, in which Leia Organa attempts to get the Rebels a new base by agreeing to marry the crown prince of Arrochar, and we’re talking with @lajulie24.

Tell us about your Legends highlight. What is it? What’s it about?

My highlight is part of the “Rebel Girl” arc from the 2013 Star Wars comics from Dark Horse Comics. The overall arc starts in issue #12, where we first hear about Arrochar, but the main parts of the arc are in issues #15-18, where things come to a head. The arc is set about a year after Yavin, and Leia comes back from a private mission and announces that the Rebels have been offered a base on the world of Arrochar, a planet in Hutt space, in exchange for Leia agreeing to marry their crown prince. Everyone from Mon Mothma to Han Solo to Wedge Antilles to Luke Skywalker is pretty dubious about this idea — Luke being the worst, and getting grounded by Wedge because his sulking is making him do a lot of reckless things during flight exercises— but Leia already feels extremely guilty about Alderaan and about recent losses, so she’s ready to go through with it.

Basically things start looking pretty shady on Arrochar from the jump, and Leia is not really happy about what she’s about to do, but she’s preparing for the wedding when the palace is bombed and a group of Star Destroyers shows up! Turns out one of the royal advisors betrayed the crown prince and has been courting the Empire the whole time (unbeknownst to the prince, who genuinely was into Leia and was sad that she wasn’t really into him). Luckily, Leia in fact did bring a blaster to her own wedding, she and Mon escape, Luke quits sulking long enough to defeat the trap he was lured into and escape with Han on the Falcon, and the Rebels’ new ion cannon saves the day.

What makes this a Legends highlight for you? What do you love about it?

Like many of the comics, this arc is a little bumpy for me — the quality of the artwork is a little uneven from issue to issue, with Leia getting some pretty weird expressions at times, and I do get annoyed that so often Leia’s plot lines tend to be things like “Leia tries to get needed resources for the Rebels by sacrificing herself” or “some fancy rich guy wants to marry Leia”, both of which are present here. But there are several things that make this arc enjoyable despite that, including:

1. Leia fixing X-Wings in her tank top my beloved (this also very much annoys the royals of Arrochar because she’s not proper enough for their tastes, also earlier in this series Leia is regularly flying an X-Wing in combat, so lots of great pilot Leia visuals)

2. Han and Wedge both talk with Leia about her decision and while they respect it, they don’t like it (as evidenced by a gritted-teeth conversation between them before the wedding) and have each tried to let her know that she doesn’t need to do this for the Rebellion, that’s she’s done enough for the cause.

3. There is some gentle future HanLeia ship teasing throughout, including a few scenes where it’s clear Han’s preoccupied with someone and it’s definitely not the attractive fellow contractor he’s been working with (she notices that he’s distracted, and that it’s not about her).

4. There is a brief moment where we learn that Red Squadron has just been approved to use the “Rogue” designation, i.e. the beginning of Rogue Squadron here.

5. And of course, Leia does in fact bring a blaster to her own wedding, which she gives to Mon Mothma right before using her hand-to-hand combat skills to fuck up some guards (and obtain a new blaster in the process).

Basically, I enjoy that it’s centered around Leia, that she shows off her flying, mechanical, and combat skills, and that the people around her actually value her for those skills and feel like she deserves so much more than to be a bride in the court of Arrochar.

To learn more….

If you’d like to read more about this comics arc, check out Star Wars: Rebel Girl or Star Wars (2013): #12-18 at your favorite comic book store or online, or read the entry on Arrochar or the Rebel Girl entry on Wookieepedia.

And be sure to check out @from-a-legends-pov and our From a Legends Point of View fanfiction event. Writer signups are now open — access the Signup Form here (step-by-step Signup Guidelines available here), as well as our Overview and FAQ.

[bsgpiece]

I love your artwork and ideas of Sanami! That evening date one feels like inspiration for a good fanfic. 😄

If there was a love confession between the two of them how do you think it will go? I love to hear your thoughts!

First of all, sorry for taking so long for answering! I really wanted to make an art for this, but I didn't like any of my attempts, so I guess I still have to get better for this!

Well, second... THANK YOUUUU 😭😭💕 That makes so happy, being able to share my art and thoughts and knowing there are people who appreciates them is so heartwarming.

Feel free to write a fanfic about it if you want! Hahaha I'd love to read any SaNami fics 🫶🏻

About love confessions.. Oh, that really gets me. I have this HUGE headcanon (almost an hyperfixation lol) they confessed their love to each other after Whole Cake Island. Yes, I know it's almost a cliché for them, but I still have some details in mind I haven't found in any fanfictions I read until now.

I love the idea of Nami feeling really guilty about not realizing Sanji's true intentions, but still feeling angry for all that happened. Sanji even though was really happy to be back, didn't know how to act around Nami.

They would be weird around each other for a day or two, until one night Nami decides to go after him to talk. Well, there is when my imagination goes wild lol

I wish I have the skill to write a fanfiction about this, but to summarize.. Nami would find Sanji looking like he just cried recently, or maybe still crying. She would feel even more guilty and angrier when he denies it, which will lead to a huge discussion. And I mean huge.

Nami would say everything in her mind. All the good and bad things she thinks about him, about herself (she'll just avoid the use of the "love" word, of course. She's not really ready for admitting such feelings). Things could get physical, breaking stuff, Nami really getting over Sanji, pulling and pushing him over, not knowing whether to get away or closer to him.

We know Sanji, right? He'd be very confused. But he is no fool. A small flame of hope would grow inside his heart. Could Nami actually have romantic feelings for him?

He is more honest to his feelings when it comes to love, specially to Nami. He wasn't sure how she would react, but he tought she already was so mad at him, what did he have to loose? So yes, I believe he would be the first to actually say it. But say it without heart eyes or nosebleeds. Holding her firmly, yet gently, so she wouldn't run from him. Say the "I love you, Nami-san" that really send shivers down her spine, made her legs feel weak and her heart racing.

Nami wouldn't react at first. She would just look at him for a few seconds, not realizing she actually start crying even more than she already was during their fight. When Sanji was starting to think he might shouldn't have done it, she grabs him by his collar and BAM, HOLLYWOOD KISS! 🤣 Really really intense kiss, yes.

Why? Because they would lose theirselves in each other's touch, not really having to think all those feelings through. Just feel them!

After several minutes, they'll have to stop at some point and face each other again. This time feeling a lot lighter than before, she'll finally say "I love you too, Sanji-kun".

Well, you can imagine it however you'd like from now on. I still have more headcanons over this, a few really NSFW 🫣 however, it already became such a long post, I'm sorry.. I get so excited about those two! Hope it made any sense for you guys 🤣🤣

Thank you so much if you read until here! Love to answer your questions 💖

[goofballproximitysurveyor]

I drew this, please stop reposting it without credit!

a sort of indulgent rant :P

[original post as proof]

Since the wider internet is talking about plagiarism I think it's a good time to start talking about art theft/uncredited reposting/etc. as well and I'm particularly going to talk about my experience with it.

Before I say anything else I want to say please don't harass people who may not have a good grasp on internet etiquette! (and please assume that is the case unless someone has intentionally plagiarized/stolen people's work and credited it as their own) That is not what I'm asking you to do and for future reference if someone was excessively rude to you in calling out that you reposted my things I did not endorse that behavior. I do encourage calling out when you see people reposting art and linking back to the original work but I do not encourage harassment. On a similar note, this isn't meant to make anyone feel bad or guilty for not having a good grasp on this particular thing. This is just me explaining how it makes me feel and hopefully get people to understand why it's so hurtful so they don't do it in the future, and maybe they get to me explaining it nicely before other people explain it not-so-nicely LOL.

Some reasons why I personally don't like it when people repost my art even if this particular post is a shitpost and not something I put a whole lot of effort into:

(This list is definitely independent/fanartist-centric, I'm not really claiming this to be anything but that.)

Images get edited and distorted as the meme chain goes on, I have seen this end up with artists feeling like their art that they put a lot of effort into like all that work was a joke. Which, evidently is pretty disrespectful

In a personal anecdote, I have seen people say really rude things about me and the Blazblue community on Tumblr while reposting my things (art and otherwise) on twitter and other social media sites. It's really hurtful that people will disrespect me and my friends while using the bits and pieces they like.

Additionally, not everyone on the internet is familiar with common English-speaking internet terminology and etiquette. What may seem like a compliment or neutral statement for you may be rude to them. Generally speaking, a lot of Japanese artists take great offense to their work being reposted in any way whatsoever. ESPECIALLY if you didn't ask beforehand. People have privated or deleted works or entire accounts over this.

It takes away attention from the artist, and this isn't just people complaining about their art not getting enough likes/reblogs online. I have had my commissions open for months with next to no attention toward it and have periodically given up on promoting, with that in mind I grow more bitter about the fact that my only work that regularly gets attention isn't even representative of my current work but also isn't even attached to my name.

There are a lot more reasons, but it really is just a matter of respecting people who make the content you like and crediting people who make things you like.

If you see art that might be fanart and want to find the original source so you can either share it in a server, ask the artist permission to use it somewhere else, or sort of vigilante credit it for somewhere else, here's some places you can easily reverse search for images or find the artist who drew them (hint: if a work has been deleted it's good practice to still credit the artist)

SauceNAO - especially good for fanart since it's a curation of popular Japanese and western image sharing sites. Works best with full images. Found my art on pixiv and deviantART.

Google Image Search - Unreliable, may work with popular artwork but will probably struggle to find it otherwise, very rarely found my artwork. But probably your better bet for heavily cropped images at least to find the full image and then plug it in sauceNAO

But even then the best practice is if you don't know the source don't repost it until you've found it, and always reblog/retweet/what have you from the original artist before considering reposting it on your own account. Be strict and insistent on asking if people know the source of art they are reposting especially in discord servers and online spaces where it's commonly done.

[bookaddict24-7]

REVIEWS OF THE WEEK!

Every week I will post various reviews I've written so far in 2024. You can check out my Goodreads for more up-to-date reviews HERE. You can friend me on Goodreads here.

Have you read any of these? What were your thoughts?

___

369. No Love Zone Vol. 1 by Danbi--⭐️⭐️⭐️

NO LOVE ZONE is an interesting manhwa because while the story itself started a little weak and the artwork wasn't really for me at first, it grows on you.

I kind of guessed where it was going a couple of chapters before the reveal, so that made me a bit excited because it meant that the story was about to get more interesting. And while it definitely got more interesting, I loved how the MC stood up for himself and set a hard boundary.

The ending of the story really made me want the next volume. I liked seeing the love interest be told exactly where he stands with the MC. I want to know how this relationship develops now that those boundaries have been set.

I will say, however, that this had a very questionable spicy scene. The MC is very drunk and some stuff happens that made me side-eye Danbi. Consent was definitely dubious and I didn't how I felt about the whole thing. I don't know if this is a "it's a guy so why does it matter?" situation, but consent is for EVERYONE and that scene made me feel icky. And yet, I want to see how the series progresses in hopes that this is rectified in some form.

Of all the manhwas I've read this year, this was probably one that made me a bit concerned for the main character and the type of man he was going to end up with.

___

370. My Dearest Patrolman Vol. 1 by Niyama--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Adorable. Absolutely adorable.

This almost felt like a slice of life for an older queer audience because these two are just living their normal lives, while also falling in love.

I can't imagine falling for the person who saved your life and helped you get on the path you're currently on, and then having that reciprocated ten years later. The love the policeman has for his older friend and crush was so cute and intense. Watching them both fall in love with each other and navigating the attraction they share was cute and very spicy.

Also, the cat is ADORABLE. I can see this being a cute live action where each chapter is just a different small town adventure in the lives of these two lovers, surrounded by nosy neighbours and an adorably intrusive cat.

I immediately ordered the other two books currently available to order LOL.

___

371. Midnights Like This by Max Walker--⭐️⭐️⭐️

MIDNIGHTS LIKE THIS wasn't a horrible read, but it wasn't great. It was one of those books you play in the background while doing other stuff, not really minding whether a detail or two gets skipped because it all leads to the same place. It was an alright mystery with some serious spice. Like, A LOT of spice. Not dark spice, just two very horny lovers meeting again.

The mystery would have been more interesting if it didn't take a backseat to the sex--and listen, I'm usually alright with a good amount of smut, but there was a murder mystery somewhere in there. And a pretty big one because it was the mother of one of the MCs. I liked how it was all tied up at the end, but I wish there had been more sleuthing (which is saying a lot because I'm not usually a mystery girly).

While I enjoyed the reveal at the end, that prologue worried me a bit. I wasn't expecting it and I actually almost DNFed this book because of it. I hate when that's done in books because it just completely turns me off the book.

This is random, but the audiobook production was questionable LOL. There were some weird sleep noises, like it was a dog or someone quietly snoring in the background. Most people might not notice it, but my little hyperactive brain latched on to the sound and wouldn't let go until that POV was done (this was a dual POV story, performed by two different narrators).

I don't know what I was expecting from this book. I am guilty of not really reading the synopsis, but I definitely fell victim to the cute cover. I thought this was going to be one of those cute romances that takes place in Italy, not an awkward mystery.

Anyway, I'm glad I've finally read it and have taken it off my to-read shelf!

___

372. Getting Friendly by Saxon James--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️.5

While book two in this series is my favourite, this was a close second! I loved how hard the one MC fell for a completely different type of guy than he was anticipating--really shows how sometimes attraction takes you completely by surprise. And while he was quietly falling for this sweet but anxious man, said awkward man was trying his best to prove that he is worthy of the job he's finally earned.

This book was a great example of how people can really reach their potential when given the chance.

I also really liked the character growth on both ends because while one learned to speak up for himself, the other learned to let the reins go a bit. I think that's also why these two worked so well together--because they both helped each other achieve what they never thought they could or would.

And of course, as always, Saxon James nails the sexual tension and the will they/won't they of their relationship. I liked how one character set strict boundaries so no ethical lines could be crossed and other respected those boundaries. I think this one, of the whole series, had the most sexual tension.

Thankfully, we also got t0 see more of the friends and the small town that made one of the MCs and me fall for this series.

___

373. Delinquent Daddy & Tender Teacher Vol. 5 by Tama Mizuki--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I will forever love the cuteness and true exploration of emotions in this series--I'm so sad that the next volume will be the last one. 😭

This was adorable and I loved how we got to see further into this relationship, especially from one side of the couple. And as their lives are changing and their relationship is growing, I could feel the love these two shared jumping off the pages.

Volume 5 also explores the conversation that could be approached when letting the MC's son about his relationship with his old teacher. Even it wasn't fully brought out, I liked that it was approached because it means that there might either be a more in-depth conversation in the future, or that that adorable little one will be a lot more open-minded than his dad expects. Unlike the nosy assholes who needed to mind their business in this volume.

Finally, I loved seeing the dad making moves towards his career goals. I love to see a character who's worked so hard finally see their road leading to success. It made me feel so hopeful for their future!

The ending was adorable af and I need the next volume absolutely right now, thanks.

___

374. Blacktop Wasteland by S.A. Cosby--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

S.A. Cosby is quickly becoming one of my favourite authors--which is saying a lot because I'm not always a big thriller/suspense reader. But his books are usually about more than just one of those heart-pounding reads, Cosby's books deal with family, grief, racial injustices and racial power, and some of the most satisfying moments of avenging any wrongs committed.

BLACKTOP WASTELAND was a bit of a slow starter but once I fell into the story, I was fully in it until the very end. Cosby does a great job of creating a setting, whether it's that of two grieving fathers traversing the road of grief, or a struggling father driving down a road surrounded by wasteland and a fast approaching past that refuses to let him go. That very past chasing the MC in BLACKTOP WASTELAND also introduces the concept of struggling with who you really are and who everyone else wants you to be.

There is no sugar coating in this novel, it is a story full of raw honesty and oftentimes desperation that might have led to questionable choices. But really, how far would you go when so many people depend on you, but you have only so much to give? What do you do when you have this sense of responsibility that can be dangerous?

BLACKTOP WASTELAND was addicting, exciting, and badass. Some of the characters were kind of annoying because of how their influence affected the MC or how they refused to understand what he was experiencing and how his father's abandonment affected him. But again, this book had fantastic commentary and some serious Black John Wick vibes.

Cosby is truly becoming an auto-read author for me.

___

375. The Five Year Lie by Sarina Bowen--⭐️⭐️⭐️.5

I'm a big fan of Sarina Bowen's romance books, so reading a thriller from her was a bit of a weird experience. It took me a bit to get into the story, but thankfully I fell into it once the first few chapters passed. But this probably has to do with the fact that I'm not a big thriller reader.

I grew to like the mystery, however, and I became thoroughly intrigued. Why did the MC get that text? What really happened to her boyfriend five years ago? Did her dad really die of an overdose? And who the hell is keeping such a close eye on everything?

👏🏽I👏🏽wanted👏🏽answers👏🏽.

And while some of those answers weren't a surprise, it was the journey there that kept me intrigued. I felt that desperation, curiosity, and grief. Even though she didn't write solely a romance this time, Bowen still has the ability to create great characters--like the great friends, the surprising ally, and the adorable little boy who stole every scene he was in.

Overall, the mystery did have me saying at one point "I really like this", and the shady characters and situations kept that feeling growing.

The dual POVs, but set in two different years threw me off a bit. They felt a bit jarring and interrupted the flow of the story a bit, even though I understand the purpose. They ended up growing on me, but there were moments where I wanted one POV to end so I could get back to the other one.

While the book itself was definitely up and down for me, I did like the ending--even if it was a bit too convenient. I definitely want to read her next thriller because it sounds very, very interesting!

___

376. Falling by T.J. Newman--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

This is my second Newman novel and phew, she is great at creating suspense. Also, the irony of this not being my usual genre and I've done so many thrillers this month LOL.

One of the things I love about books like FALLING is how no-nonsense it is with its suspenseful elements. There isn't any word-play or skirting around an issue or situation, it is very much presenting in a black and white way where you either you do something or you don't. I love books like this one because I know that the author isn't going to play with me, she's just going to present the facts and potential actions and go from there. Also, the survival aspect of these kinds of books are always chef's kiss for me.

The political aspect of this book made me incredibly sad, especially with how the world is right now. The antagonists of this novel were very easy to empathize with in terms of their grief, not their murderous actions. And while one hopes for the survival of the MCs and the people their protecting, one can't help but also feel that echo of grief and why certain situations are happening.

With that being said, I liked the note of hope in this one when it comes to the main family. There was a level of love and trust in there that is nice to see in books like this one, where things can waver so easily.

DROWNING is still my favourite of the two, but I've been meaning to read this one for a while and I'm glad I finally got to it. I listening to the audiobook and I was truly hooked from the beginning.

___

Happy reading!

[pseudoincestuous]

feeling nostalgic, so I thought I’d share my story of how I came to be here, as an incest shipper. Up until now I have been too concerned with others finding out my identity to share my thoughts, but I think I am finally comfortable doing so.

The first incest ship I was into was pinecest back in 2017 (thanks to doublepines artwork) and I felt so guilty about it I deleted that blog. I still have the dummy e-mail address I used to create the account, though. That was my real first incest ship. I never would have gotten curious if it weren’t for anti-pinecest fans vaguing about the ship in the tags. I remember liking the taboo nature of the ship, and the portrayal of the forbidden love between the siblings as something that had some positive aspects (rather than the universally negative portrayals I had only ever seen in media at that point in my life.) After having that account for a short period, I deleted it out of shame and pretended it had never happened. 

Years later when I got into Jojo, I was enjoying part 4 and the fanart that came with it. I stumbled across some Josuhan ship art, and ended up feeling conflicted. At the time, I still saw ship art as something that can be immoral. Yet, I liked the bickering, frictional relationship between the characters, and imagining how it would transfer to a romantic context. 

Eventually I decided to make a separate twitter account for my problematic Jojo fanart indulgences, the Sarah_j0jo account which is now my main twitter account. (I stopped using twitter connected to my real name a long time ago.) I got into Josuhan even though it was an age gap ‘toxic’ ship, and then by proximity, because I figured if I was going to ship problematic things I might as well go whole hog on the matter, so I got into JotaJosu. To be truthful, I didn’t like it much when I first got into it, but the ship gradually grew on me. I found one of the most haunting fanfictions that I have read to date. The power imbalance between the older and jaded Jotaro and his young uncle Josuke felt like a very old story indeed, just put through the lens of fandom’s interpretation of the characters. 

Over time, I went back to using tumblr, but gradually I was becoming more comfortable with the idea of shipping “immoral” things. I became infatuated with Kusucest later in 2021, another frictional relationship, but this time between estranged siblings, both of whom were queercoded and one of whom was implied to have masochistic, incestuous feelings for the other on a purely physical level, the other implied asexual, forming a stark contrast. They captivated me, these two characters who were so different and yet blood related; so dependent on each other despite themselves, all their interactions coming in the form of violence of some kind, even when they had a positive outcome. 

I was fascinated by the fact that one was so thoroughly obsessed with the other, the other pretending they weren’t related whenever possible; this inconvenient, spiteful, competitive brother who so thoroughly messed up his worldview as a child by demonizing an integral part of him, his psychic powers. And yet, at the same time, the older idolizes the younger for what he is, and even loves him unconditionally. And the younger realizes that he is indebted to his brother (and by proxy his brother’s obsession with him). Despite everything, by the end of the story, Kusuo can’t seem to dislike him.

It’s a thoroughly dysfunctional relationship with plenty of themes to explore, and both of them grow over the course of the story, and there’s so many things about the characters that feel like contradictions and yet seem to work. I stayed quiet about shipping them because most of the fandom understandably wasn’t interested in imagining them together in a romantic or sexual context. The blog I ran was (or rather, still is) mostly focused on the characters and the story,  and the themes of friendship (all things that I still wholeheartedly love and appreciate about the show.)

It wasn’t until I got into Vijinx about a year later that I really decided, fuck it, this is fiction, and stopped seeing the matter as a two-sided issue. Instead, there’s people who are comfortable with it and people who aren’t (and it is a weird, uncomfortable hobby to have by definition.) I spent a very long time being uncomfortable with it, and yet drawn in nonetheless. But around early 2022 was the point at which I completely stopped seeing it as an issue of something that reflected any sort of real life morality, and embraced the idea that we as human beings will have dark thoughts and fantasies that don’t define us as people, no matter how much or how little we identify them as true.

Fast forward to this year, and everyone who follows my non-problematic tumblr accounts knows that I’m accepting of portrayals of complex characters and character relationships, both in canon and in fanon. I’ve attended therapy, spent invaluable time thinking about what it *really* means to be a good person, and read some really insightful books that made me rethink the shame I felt over ‘problematic’ shipping, more specifically incest shipping which I had by then realized I liked.

I figured out shipping was, for one, a harmless diversion and didn’t mean that I had any interest in doing anything that I wanted fictional characters to do. It’s a way to mentally put yourself in a difficult, undesirable or even dangerous situation without being harmed. I figured it was ultimately me trying to work through difficult questions and feelings, ones that weren’t actually directly related to incest at all, but instead reflected the ways in which people are alienated and ostracized from their true feelings and inner selves.

It’s about falling in love and feeling totally out of your depth and out of control because of who you fall in love with. It’s about the unspeakable taboo (what happens if other people find out how I feel?) and the way the entire world is against the feelings that seem inevitable to you, no matter how much you try to scrape them out of you. It’s all a potent metaphor for queerness and the feelings I’ve struggled with my entire life. Especially because there seems to be less and less stories in fandom these days that really dig into the psychological terror, the confusion, the guilt, the anxiety, cold fear and the repression that queer people go through (especially ex homophobic, and ex religious christian queer people) to accept their identities. 

On a deeper level, it’s about the shame itself; it really is. The shame I have been conditioned and taught to the point that I internalized it. The ways in which I am still discovering the power that unnecessary shame holds over me, deconstructing the ways it eats into my life as I take it into consideration with everything I do- scheduling my time, creating art, communicating with others, even simply using my own body as I eat or exercise or sleep. That shame is the root of so many psychological problems and so much miscommunication, not just in my life but in many people’s lives. It’s a much deeper shame than feeling; it’s the shame of being. 

Incest just happens to be the perfect vehicle to examine that shame. There’s nothing quite so universally shamed and condemned as incest, for its connotations with abuse and the inherent ‘yuck’ factor that nature, nurture or perhaps both has installed in humanity. 

If incest is about shame, then maybe cannibalism is about codependency, vampirism is about sexuality and lyncanthropy is about repression. So many dark tropes have a metaphorical quality to them. 

Literary metaphors are sometimes a hard thing for someone who is naturally somewhat literal minded like me to accept. But most of the time, even when an author means a story to be completely literal, there’s a metaphorical reading that can be found within. 

I just wasn’t consciously aware that I was looking for that in these stories for a long, long time.

Many fanworks are created by victims of some kind of abuse looking to understand that abuse better through the artwork. Some people are aware of everything they are exploring through their art, some aren’t, and some, (probably most) like me, don’t fully realize what they are exploring until they really dive in and let themselves have fictional experiences through fandom that aren’t restricted or unilaterally positive. I honestly believe that in some way, on some level, every person who creates art with dark themes is trying to understand something that happened to them, or someone else close to them in their lives. It just isn’t always exactly what they are creating art about. And it isn’t always life ruining trauma, but it’s something no less real. And of course it is enjoyable. Exploring human relationships through fiction is enjoyable, creating art is enjoyable; controlling the narrative and the outcome of the story is enjoyable. Examining it is an important step in learning about ourselves and the world around us, and in the healing process for trauma that allows us to make these difficult questions and emotions and construct them into something. It’s an enjoyable process, because it’s cathartic. 

And this isn’t the end of the journey for me, either. I have more art to create; more of myself to accept, more difficult bits of reality to understand. But I’m no longer shying away from the darkness of it. Sometimes the only way out is through. If I can’t handle reality, then it follows that I would include bits of reality in my fantasies which reflect some truth which I have yet to fully see. Constructing a story, oddly enough, helps me do that. By constructing the story I extract the unconscious things which I observe and make them conscious, and draw conclusions about them. And of course, what I create isn’t reality itself, only a meditation on it from my own limited perspective, injected with enough fantasy to make it something I can comfortably embrace. 

Finally knowing and understanding all of this has brought me some peace. I hope it brings you peace as well. 

[valcuda]

- Jasmin cloud gazing with her little siblings.

This is a scene from a short story I'm working on, "Jasmin: A Little Day Out". In this painting, they're just laying in the grass, enjoying the sun, and the wind, and the sounds of nature.

Anyways, I imagine Jasmin viewing Quinton and Elizabeth as siblings, instead of pets, or just family members, a view which I think Quinton and Elizabeth share, especially since they were shrunken as part of the same test, they have a bit of kinship there.

Oh yeah! You can also see Jasmin's thigh high's in this! Something which I rarely think about. The only reason she has them, is cause I made her in Sims once, and her legs too bare, so I gave her thigh highs, and they looked good, so I stuck with them. She's not showing her thighs in her base artwork tho, so I can't show them! This makes Jasmin the only character to have a detail not included in her base art! Assuming you don't count the seams on Junk-Watt's thighs, legs, ankles, and stomach, as separate details from her other seams.

Anyway, because I suck with perspective, I actually used Blender to pose digital wood drawing mannequins in the right poses, with the right sizes, rendered that, and essentially used that as my pose draft. I feel a bit guilty about doing that, but Jasmin's neck paid the price. An when I say wood drawing mannequins, I mean actually hunted down a 3D model of a typical wooden drawing mannequin, since that's what I base my pose drafts off anyway. Here's a link to it if you want it. It's honestly quite nice, and the stand was easy to remove thankfully!

Now then, something that annoys me is how little resolution I had for Quinton and Elizabeth. I originally planned to do this in Medibang, at 5600x4200 (my usual, just landscape), but it didn't give me enough resolution to do those two in my usual style, so I decided to try digitally painting it, and Penup has an even lower max resolution. Jasmin was drawn on 10 layers (Something I kinda regret), while Quin and Liz were done on 1 layer each. Honestly, if I wasn't so hellbent on making Quinton and Elizabeth their accurate sizes (which I still messed up by making them a tad bit too small) this would've looked far different, as I planned to include a tree stump, and some flowers (Like "Dreams by the Creek"), but I had to zoom in quite close just to make Quin and Elizabeth more than mere specs. This whole drawing was a disaster and a half. I still love it though, and I'm sure I'll end up making an improved version sometime, likely in Medibang. (Which ironically, was what I made "Dreams by the Creek" in, cause I didn't have Penup at the time, or even know it existed!)

Well then, that's all for now!

[salmonthestoryteller]

There is No Objectivity in Art

Time for Salmon says something not everyone is going to like!

So, let me start with some definitions:

Objectivity:

the quality of being objective

Objective:

(of a person or their judgment) not influenced by personal feelings or opinions in considering and representing facts.

Subjectivity:

the quality of being based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions.

I see a lot of comments going around. And a few times I've reblogged things cuz they're put in funny ways and are basically about being unabashed in what they like. But I'm going clarify something:

When I say: “I love this (piece of fiction/art/fashion) even though it's bad.” - I don't actually think it's bad. If I did, I wouldn't like it.

When I say: “This is a guilty pleasure.” - I feel 0% guilty for liking it. I just think it's funny to say it.

Here's what people are trying to do: They're trying to claim objectivity about art.

Here’s the only true objective opinion about art: There is no objectivity in art. All art is subjective.

That includes artwork, fashion, music, and the various forms of storytelling.

Seriously where are you gaining these so called Objective opinions on whether the thing you like or dislike is good or bad?

Popularity? Get back to me in about 10 years about how popular it is now.

Critiques? I've got some news about how often that whole popular opinion thing clashes with critiques.

“You need to learn the difference between liking something and it actually being good.”

Hm… and would the person whose opinion is the objective opinion be… yours?

What do you get exactly, out of telling somebody that whatever art they like is bad and they need to admit that? Do you just enjoy making people feel bad about liking things? Do you want to force them to conform to the popular opinion and make them feel that it should matter more than their own?

I'm not sure I understand the objective, but I can tell you that you sound like a condescending snob.

“I can admit that I dislike this, and admit that it's good.”

And what are you basing that on then, precisely? Considering you don't like it, I'm confused where you think you're in a good position to make that call. Do you think this makes you sound superior? Or do you just not want to go against the masses by saying something popular is bad?

Honestly, I want to shake you by your shoulders and tell you not to be so afraid of your own opinion.

“The food went bad.” is objective. It means the food is unsafe to eat.

“The food is bad.” is subjective. It is about the taste. And there's a high chance someone at your own table is likely to disagree, and happily eat it for you.

I bet everyone reading this has had that exact thing happen. But none of you are out here going on about how you have to be objective about your taste in food.

And please, don't. It would just sound ridiculous. If you think mayo is gross, please just tell me.

It's okay to like things.

It's okay to say something is good, regardless of other's opinions. And, no, no matter what they claim their opinion on it being bad is not objective and you can feel free to take it with a grain of salt.

It’s okay to dislike things.

It doesn't matter if lots of people like it or adore it. You are not wrong to think it was bad.

Now let me be clear. This has nothing to do with unwelcomed critique. That is a different matter altogether. Though the two do share one commonality:

The only objective opinion about art is that there is no objectivity in art.

[howl-at--the-sun]

Wait now I’m intrigued about the work and ship you mentioned 👀

(You totally don’t have to share if you don’t want to! I totally understand. But also I will say that just bc there isn’t much content or popularity about something, doesn’t mean it’s bad or people don’t like it! And that most definitely should not keep you from sharing something you put time/effort into!!)

(Also 💜💜💜)

It is Vio and Shadow from the Four Swords Manga!

And I hope you don't mind me taking a few minutes to explain who they are just so I can use this as a reference post for the future.

So if you're in the LU fandom you probably know that the LU colors are based off of the manga personalities. Green's the leader, Blue's angry, Red's kind, and Vio's smart. (all gross oversimplifications btw but it gets the main point across)

So the manga starts similar to the game, Shadow (working with Vaati and Ganon) captures Zelda, tricks Link into splitting, and takes over Hyrule Castle. But the plot diverges when the colors are split up, each ended up alone in areas designed to give them character development. And Vio just so happens to end up in a dark forest, where Shadow approaches him and asks him to join the forces of darkness and rule by Shadow's side.

Now, here's the thing that needs clarification. In the manga, Vio isn't only Link's smarts. He's also Link's ambition and his cunning, to the point where he's a shade of morally gray. So, Vio accepts Shadow's offer and switches sides.

But not really, since it turns out the whole thing was a ploy to get information out of Shadow. But uh oh Vio actually starts caring about Shadow, and when he inevitably has to betray Shadow, Vio feels rather guilty about it. (Don't know where to put this, but there's also a duel to the "death" with Green and a whole party where Shadow won't stop flirting with Vio, it's amazing)

After Shadow is betrayed and almost killed by Vio, he talks to Ganon, who is Not Happy that Shadow worked with a hero, and forces him to go back into the light. That's when he talks with Zelda, who tells Shadow that he can be a hero too, and it inspires Shadow to work with the heroes to defeat Vaati and Ganon. (Side note, he does that by shapeshifting to look like Vio, and there's a lot to unpack about that)

Shadow sacrifices himself to stop Vaati and save Hyrule by breaking the source of his power. Vio seems to be the most affected by his decision, kneeling beside Shadow after he falls down and cradling the sparks that Shadow turns into.

It is perfectly done enemies to friends to lovers with the perfect balance angst, and fluff and a top tier character dynamic (bad boy x nerd). It is amazing, and I love them so much.

(That is official artwork on the inside cover of the manga. The creators 100% ship it)

[madame-mimsy]

Theory Behind the Reward Tier Levels in Janus’ Corridor.

Has someone done this, already? Probably. But nothing says mental exhaustion like procrastinating on schoolwork by over analyzing the levels of tiers in Janus’ Corridor of Stored Rewards.

So with the release of the amazing art by James von Hollen (@ignoreitforever on Instagram) of each of the tiers (and the honestly delightfully terrifying images of Janus ripping through a wall like the Shining), I’ve had some thoughts on what the levels mean in relation to them because I am a Fander and we cannot leave well enough alone gdi.

See, at first I liked the idea going around that Janus was just giving tiers based on people he liked, as he’s stated that he prefers Remus over the others in livestreams. But the thing is, he obviously does NOT like Virgil, so that doesn’t quite fit to me. And the idea that it’s just giving preferential treatment to the Dark Sides made sense to me, until the new images came out and we had padlocks galore.

Instead, my theory is that each tier is based on how deep into the secrets he’s promised in his Corridor you go. The further along the more he WANTS to keep them secret, and thus the more money it takes, meta-wise, to pry those secrets loose, and why there is no Janus level tier. There’s no way he’d want to reveal everything he knows, no matter the amount. He (Janus) even got downright angry when people tried bugging him for spoilers in streams.

So instead he has the tiers listed by how willing he is to make that Side “public” or not. (Longwinded theory under the cut)

So first we have the Logan tier: the Federal Education Budget 

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From the Snake’s Own Mouth:

“Ohhh, so you decided to share with us? Then, I suppose I can share with you.”

Honestly, this startled me because of the fact that it looks so arcane and mystical, which doesn’t match how I imagine Logan at all. My friend @onnastik​ pointed out that the creature on the right, surrounded by sigils, is the demon Baur, who among other things is said to “teach natural and moral philosophy, (and) logic...” which fits the bill pretty perfectly. 

Speaking of a bill, the name for the tier fits Logan perfectly, too, to me. The Federal Education Budget is not only the budget used in the American system to make sure kids have free education until the highschool level, but is also part of the college loan system. It signifies public education, and that’s why I feel that Logan is the lowest, and thus most accessible, tier. Janus considers him bland, safe for public consumption, and maybe even wants to put up a front of logical intelligence first and foremost, to make even the broadest view of Thomas seem as intelligent as possible. 

And look at how much the basic tier gives! That’s a huge amount for just the lowest tier, and gives you plenty to enjoy. That fits the ideal of something like a broad education system, and gives a very open feel. Logan’s tier is literally an “Open Book” of all sorts of delights.

And with that horrible pun, we move to Patton’s tier:  The Monthly Allowance.

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From the Snake’s Own Mouth:

“That not enough for you? Fine. I'll give you everything from that last tier, PLUS...”

For all that it is creepy as heck, the fact that Patton’s tier is also a pun is perfect. The candles heat must surely make this... heartwarming. And the addition of blooper reels in the rewards, and the commentary, feel more personal than Logan’s open tier. Which is why I don’t think Patton was the first tier.

Patton wears his heart on his sleeve too much for Janus’ tastes, I bet. All of those emotions just out there where anyone could see? Those bloopers that showcase how imperfect Thomas and the crew are? Yikes. That is definitely something a certain snek wouldn’t want to be the most public option, though, at the same time, Patton’s gentle qualities and general love of the fandom also mean he’s a good symbol to push closer to the front of the Corridor, and doesn’t need to be as hidden as some of the others.

Also the fact that Patton’s tier has a sticker as a reward is absolutely perfect and you can’t tell me otherwise. Can’t you just imagine him going “Thank you so much, kiddo! Let’s watch some bloopers and play with sticker books! I’ll get the cocoa”? He’s the good goofy dad and stickers are fun. Bloopers and being silly are fun. It’s perfect for the sweet lad.

Then we have the illustrious Roman’s tier: A Prince’s Ransom.

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From the Snake’s Own Mouth:

“You want more? Really?? … You can only half tell, but I’m blushing over the fact that we’re worth this much to you. How about, everything in that last tier AND...”

Hooo boi there’s suddenly a lot more to unpack here. This is in no way an insult to the lovely Crew as a whole, but doesn’t it feel like this tier has more bribery going on than the last two? More self-centered reasons to join? It’s not just your name in the credits like Patton offered: it’s your name as a writer. That T-shirt (which I 100% leaped at when I saw this because holy heck it’s so pretty), and of course the mysterious Writer’s Room.

This tier feels very creative as well: look at all the stuff about influencing the show, the art of the shirt, etc. This is all about being showy and creative like our wonderful prince. But it’s not the first tier, even though Thomas is very much a creator. Why? Why is the tier for the showiest, flashiest Side just randomly tucked in the middle, not even the highest for show?

Because Janus doesn’t want Roman to be the first thing everyone sees. Our sweet boy is definitely eye-catching, but he can also be vain to the point of pompous, even annoying. And his fragile ego isn’t something that Janus likely wants to show off. Janus’ statement about “blushing” and “being worth that much to you” even feels like it matches that pride and ego. 

And that fragility is in the crown’s design, too. At first glance it seems fine. Very fantastic, with Roman’s sun symbol in lovely display. But a longer look reveals cracks, broken sections and fissures. And a slight, odd green shine, too. Hmm.

No, Roman couldn’t be made the first tier because of his pride, but his is also the last tier to not have any outright locks on it...

The Strange Dark Son’s tier: OK, Now You’re Making Me Feel Guilty...

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From the Snake’s Own Mouth:

“PLEASE, don’t give us any more money! I don’t know what we could possibly do with it! But alright… since I like you, you can have everything in the last tier, and I'LL THROW IN...”

“Now you’re making me feel guilty” is absolutely what I would expect Virgil to think about someone giving him money because they enjoyed Thomas’ content. He’d freak out, and want to make sure to do something equally nice in return, to say thank you. Hence the thank-you video. 

NGL I can also imagine him panicking and rushing around his room to pick up a random mug and just thrust it out at the gifter in return too, before hiding away in an anxious mess, but anyway. xD

The artwork for this seems to very much be in homage to the Annabelle Doll: a supposedly haunted ragdoll, kept locked in a case at an occult museum.

Something interesting about this doll’s story, though...

Wiki: “According to the Warrens, a student nurse was given the doll in 1970. They said that the doll behaved strangely, and that a psychic medium told the student that the doll was inhabited by the spirit of a deceased girl named "Annabelle". The student and her roommate tried to accept and nurture the spirit-possessed doll, but the doll reportedly exhibited malicious and frightening behavior.”

Huh. Who else do we know that when confronted with too much coddling responds by lashing out?

And this is the first tier with a lock. The glass is chipped (from inside or out?) but the lock is holding. The doll is inert and doesn’t seem likely to do anything unless disturbed, if it matches the original story. Which seems to fit Virgil relatively well. Sure, he’ll make you anxious (maybe those cracks are where the influence leeches free), but doesn’t seem intent on outright harm. Also the cracks and the creepy living doll cabinet as a whole made me think of spider webs and our boi’s Halloween decor, so I thought that was excellent, honestly.

This tier is hidden behind Roman’s shining pomp. It’s outright locked away, as if to keep it from seeing the light of day. The Dark Side tiers both seem this way: hidden from prying eyes by the splendor of the first few tiers.

And the most hidden one of all... Gross Profit.

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From the Snake’s Own Mouth:

“Oh you bougie rascal, you! Your generosity is seen and I truly thank you for it… but a few kind words from me aren't enough, I'm sure... so how about, you get everything from the last tier ALONG WITH...”

Firstly we have exclusive tier level gifts that Janus won’t even reveal. Meta-wise, this is likely more because the team has to decide what those gifts ARE, and how to safely ship them, but the way it sounds in the description not only feels super secretive, but also very much like Remus to me, as well. I’m pretty sure any and all gifts from him are a surprise in some way. Whether that is pleasant is debatable, but it’s still a surprise!

The highest tier also looks to have the highest security. Look at that sturdy, metal bound chest and huge padlock. Not only that but it also has chains wrapped around it to hold it shut, and even then, the contents are actively seeking to escape, like our delightful trashman would. Even the shuggoth-like appearance matches his presence as a shifting, terrifying and likely quite gloopy entity, capable of squeezing even where he’s not wanted.  Even the green fabric below looks stained with mud or blood or something equally as upsetting. The image does a great job of showing how hard it is to contain Intrusive Thoughts, as a whole, and is likely a main reason Janus drinks so much “juice” on his birthdays. 

Unlike the last image, this one is outright trying to break containment, and oddly, it almost seems like someone left a golden key in easy reach for just that purpose... A key which also looks rather oddly shaped, to me.

It’s hard to tell from the angle, but it doesn’t look like the eye is a simple circle, but that it has a point, like a heart almost. Or even the ornate letter D from the Corridor logo?

I can’t be sure of that, but what I can definitely be sure of is the sheer amount of lock, key, and chain symbolism our Snekky Fren has to his name.

While Janus has no tier, the entire SITE has his symbol, like a brand. 

Every post, the icon, the about page, it’s there. And the snake isn’t trapped by the lock, but guarding it. It looks to have a green highlight around where a chip is (hmm), but other than that, it looks quite solid, and well-guarded by watchful creatures that never blink.

The shape of the lock looks like it could be heart-shaped as well, like that golden key allowing the Remus tentacles to wriggle free.

They also do a heckin blep and honestly what could possibly be better? 

So yeah, that’s my way overly long ramble about the tier levels and what I think they mean. Maybe if I’m not too lazy I’ll do one on the pictures of Janus playing peekaboo with my nightmares on the about page. 

God but this art is amazing and y’all need to go preesh the artist holy heck. 

[kira-fluff]

Hello! Have you done headcanons for a MC that is a really good artist? Like, that's what she loves and hopes to make a career out of it? (For the RFA, V, And Saeran?) thankyou! Bye bye! \ ^-^ /

a/n: I LOOOVEE this idea! As a passionate artist myself, this one hits home :) As you probably know, I’ve updated my rules, since you specified 2, I will pick 2 from the RFA :) Again, let me know if you’d like to have different characters than the ones I picked! I went for MC instead of Y/n this time. Let me know what you think. Thanks! 

Also, this is pre-relationship and it may or may not have turned into a confession headcanon oh gosh 

- 

MC is an Artist +Confession bonus 

V +bonus confession 

As a fellow artist, V would be incredibly proud of you 

Even though he might sometimes have trouble saying it 

V has always showed actions above his words 

You’d quickly gathered this from his lack of communication with the RFA chat and text messages between the two of you in general 

But you understood him, in a way 

You related to the freedom he felt whenever he expressed himself through his photography 

Because you felt that same feelings when you painted 

You were incredibly inspired by Beatrix Potter, your memories of her various artworks inspiring you to do the same 

You adored nature just as much as V did 

Together, you both made a beautiful pair 

You wore an adorable flower-patterned, yellow sun dress

A beige sunhat you held to your head with a hand, carrying your brushes and paint palette

Him, dressed smartly in a sweater with khaki pants 

 V could carry your easel for you, his professional photography bag slung around his shoulder. 

You’d laugh, turning around to look at him, the wind blowing in your face, urging him to “Come on!” 

V had never thought you more beautiful than the time you’d accidentally tripped into a meadow of freesias, scattering them every which way 

You gasped, whipping out your pocket book, etching down the scene before you 

After a measurable silence, you looked over at V who had been quiet in taking pictures of you 

He keeps many copies of the pictures, putting one in his wallet and other places he’d look frequently just to make him smile 

He’d never let others besides himself see them, but they were the most beautiful photos he’d ever taken, and this not just by his standards of your beauty 

You sometimes would catch yourself sketching him during your time outside with him, sitting in a quiet pasture 

The world’s creatures were your muse, but you couldn’t help yourself from taking every opportunity to capture V’s every expression

And maybe that’s when you realized you were completely and utterly in love with him. 

In those quiet times in the meadows, all along you were in love with him. 

When you’d caught V taking candids of you, you always would beg him to delete them, which he begrudgingly would, if you really begged him 

But.. other than that, you were positive V had no real feelings for you outside of a deep friendship. 

That must’ve done it. He knows.  

Because suddenly, V had become incredibly distant, flaking out of your naturalist escapades, becoming increasingly difficult to come in contact at all..

it was all pointing to the fact that he had realized how deeply you loved him. 

You in turn, pushed away everyone around you. 

Rejection hurt. So much. One does not truly understand it until they’ve felt it themselves. 

It came to a point where you had no more tears left to cry, you knew he was gone forever. 

Your love, your inspiration. 

All was gone. 

You hadn’t touched a paint brush in months 

You’d been skipping meals for a while, beginning to feel more and more fatigue because of it. 

It came to the point where all in the RFA (except V) had become so worried about you that they’d sent Jaehee and Yoosung over to check on you 

You couldn’t remember the last time you’d checked your phone 

Your blinds and curtains had been shut for a subsequent amount of time. 

It had been weeks since you’d last changed your clothes, your hair was unkept. 

You stopped taking care of yourself completely, emptiness overtaking you. 

You had always had a dream of making artwork your career.. but just when your freelance career had begun to take off.. you lost everything. 

You couldn’t bring yourself to touch your paints or pocket book. It reminded you too much of him. 

You weren’t concerned about money, Rika’s apartment was already paid for and… well, with no real meal expenses, you didn’t feel any real purpose to continue. 

You heard a soft knock on the door. 

Instead of answering, you groaned, rolling over in your sheets – hoping if you ignored the knocking they’d assumed you weren’t home.

Any last grain of hope you’d had left you a long time ago. 

“….MC?” 

You slowly sat up in your bed. It was Yoosung. 

You instantly felt shame for ignoring them.. and looking, well, like this. 

“I’m coming in!” Came a loud shout, causing you to panic. 

Damn. Seven must’ve opened the apartment.  

Seven was concerned for you, given the surveillance footage, he couldn’t find almost any instances when you’d left your apartment. 

Given your apparent closeness, Seven shot a text to Yoosung, Jaehee, and of course, V. 

Yoosung and Jaehee replied in agreement and concern, V, however, said something very different. 

// V:  I’m sorry. I can’t go. >> [sent, 6:08am]

707: I thot the 2 of u were rly close. Did sth happen? >> [sent, 6:09am]

V: I’m selfish. I can’t see her anymore. >> [sent, 6:29am] 

707: ? >> 

707: > [sent, 6:29am]

read, 6:32am. //

You began to cry, embarrassed and ashamed, as Jaehee and Yoosung called your name throughout your hollow feeling apartment. 

Immediate concern covered their faces when they saw you teary eyed in your bed. 

“Oh, MC, hey, it’s going to be okay.”, Jaehee immediately held your head in her arms. 

She ordered Yoosung to get some food from your local convenience store

From there, she opted to begin cleaning you up. 

Jaehee didn’t want to force you to do or say anything, so she never asked questions – unless to ask whether you were comfortable taking a shower or perhaps, eating something later. 

You were not opposed to the help, rather, you felt indebted to them, feeling guilty for causing Jaehee, Yoosung, and likely Seven a great amount of trouble. 

Jaehee made quick work of stripping your bed sheets, stuffing in the laundry and opening the blinds, cleaning your room and dusting where necessary 

A part of her chastised herself for not doing so sooner, but she and the others were afraid that they’d be intruding on your right to take a social media break or something of the sort. 

Yoosung came back relatively quickly, a meal in hand, per Jaehee’s request. 

He made quick work of making his specialty – an omurice omelette. 

Jaehee continued to tidy up, checking up with you when she’d realized the apartment had gotten too silent

You at last stepped out of the shower, your hair taking on a glimmer, as if thanking you for taking care of it at last. 

You washed your face, trying to gather your thoughts as your shoved a crew-neck shirt over your head, opting for jeans and slippers as well. 

At last coming out of the bathroom, you at last made eye contact with Yoosung and Jaehee you began to cry again. 

Without hesitation, they rushed toward you for a hug, hushing you when you’d blubbered, “I’m sorry, thank you, I’m so sorry” in between dry heaves. 

After a quick call to Seven from Jaehee, Zen, Jumin and Saeyoung had made their way to your apartment as well. 

They each had their piece to share, kind words of encouragement and love. 

You were happy by their words, but… 

V wasn’t here. 

At last gaining confidence through their encouraging words, you ushered them to the large sofas that laid beneath your TV. 

Looking down, you said, “I-I’m sure you’re all wondering about V and I..” 

You didn’t dare look up when your sniffles began. 

You took a deep breath before beginning, “This is nothing to his fault, but….” your lip wobbled, “I believe.. I think he realized that I had completely fallen for him,” you laughed pathetically, “Still am”

Seven began, “MC–” 

“I don’t blame him, really, I never intended to tell him… it’s awkward.” 

Zen clenched his fist, “That asshole…” 

“And my friend” Jumin quickly rebutted. 

“P-please! I didn’t tell you this to make you dislike him or anything! I just felt like I owed you all an explanation…”, you begged.

Seven stared at you for a while before saying, “MC… V he’s– I think you should tell him properly.” 

Zen, ever the hot-head, stood up shouting, “And get her heart broken all over again?! How heartless can you be!” 

You smiled ingenuinely, “He’s right, Zen.” 

Before you could change your mind, you picked up your phone, and for what felt like years, you at last dialed V’s number. 

On the last ring, you heard sound that the caller had, picked up though there was no sound on the other line. 

Jumin and Yoosung ushered everyone out of the room, deciding to take a little stroll outside the apartment complex. 

After a moment of silence you started, “…..V?” 

You now heard him breathing on the other line.

“V, I know you’re there. Please…” You felt your voice wavering, “P-please… come to my apartment.”, you whispered a final, “please.” 

V was silent for what felt like hours before saying, “……..okay.” 

You hung up, attempting to mentally prepare yourself for the world of hurt you were about to endure again. 

After a long silence in which you’d zoned out, you suddenly heard the door bell ring. 

You glanced up. Only V ever used the doorbell.. always had. 

You slowly crept toward the door, taking deep breaths to calm your nerves. 

Gently opening the door a crack, you took in V. 

It had been a few months, but he looked so different. So…hollow. 

You moved for him to come inside, closing the door behind you. 

“Um, V, there’s something I need to tell you.” 

“You already know my answer.” 

You looked up, tears welling in your eyes, doing your best to ignore his statement. 

“V… I love you.” 

You’d never seen V so taken aback, his whole face grew pale. 

“Y-you love me?” 

“Have. For a long time.” 

You looked down, “You can go now.” 

Yet you didn’t hear a sound of movement. 

Looking up, V was still standing there, shocked. 

At last, you managed to hear the softest whisper, “All this time….”

You leaned in closer, “What?” 

“I- I loved you.. I love you. Since we’d first met. I-I thought you didn’t want a thing to do with me. Thought you’d figured out I’d fallen in love, so I distanced myself.. selfishly to try not to get hurt, but I still did. And all this time you felt the same.” 

You were now the stunned one. 

“Really?” 

V gently smiled at you, enveloping you in a tight hug, “Really.” 

Jumin +bonus confession 

You loved to create stories 

Various areas of fiction, watercolor splashing against crisp, white pages 

Telling a beautiful story in color 

And Jumin adored it. 

He adored you. 

He admired your deep passion to create and your love for everything. 

He couldn’t understand how you could see the beauty in everything around you… for Jumin, he tended to consider things in their degree of usefulness. 

For the longest time, his father and those around him had encouraged this mentality 

And so, Jumin rarely sought for things that would have no real purpose – his penthouse proved this point by its bare walls – void of artistic charm

It wasn’t until you’d met him through the RFA that you’d immediately brought a force of color into his life 

He remembered well the first time you’d come to his apartment 

You gently ran your soft fingers against the walls of his penthouse saying, “Mr. Han, I think you need some more color in your house. It looks like a hospital in here!” You turned to him, a playful smile on your face. 

The breath was knocked out of him. 

God, he could never say no to you. If you’d ask, he’d get you anything you’d ever need. 

But he loved that you didn’t appreciate that kind of affection. Jumin knew he immediately ran to gift giving for love because it was the only way he had been shown love throughout his life…. and, it didn’t really mean anything to him. 

Still, he desperately wanted to be helpful, so if you were ever in a financial struggle, he’d offer to assist you. 

You’d proudly decline, declaring you could do it all yourself. He liked that about you too. Your independence, your kindness. 

It didn’t take long for him to realize he had taken to you greatly. 

One day when you’d come over for a visit, while petting Elizabeth III, you said, “Hey, Jumin.. have you ever fallen in love before?” 

Tension filled the air while Jumin stared at you. 

How could MC be so blind. 

When it had been a few moments he’d not answered, you awkwardly said, “J-just kidding! I figured you’re probably engaged – that was a stupid question, sorry..” 

Jumin was stricken by your sudden uncertainty, but didn’t make anything of it. 

“I’m not engaged. Don’t listen to anything my father says regarding that. And to answer your question, I think I might have an idea of what that feels like.” 

His eyes bore into yours, but he of course missed the look of sorrow that’d taken over your eyes.  

He’d watch you paint all day if he had the time. 

He couldn’t understand how you could look at a blank sheet of paper and write something so poetically beautiful and paint a lovely picture to match 

It was all a part of his amazement of you. 

He could watch you for hours, humming to yourself while you played around with contrast colors for your watercolor pieces 

No other art had value quite like your own 

He encouraged you at every chance he got, “MC, you should go into the arts.” 

“That’s what I want to do! But, Dad says the arts aren’t a realistic job.”, you frowned. 

“That may have been true in some outdated decade, but in our world today people are always looking for something hand-made and authentic. When we research our products, we look for items that have a ‘signature’ to them. Trust me, people want your art not only because it is breath-taking.. but because you made it.” 

You smiled at that, Jumin was always one to put a rational thought forward for your consideration, something you’d cherished. 

“Besides, I think you’d be happy anywhere you can create.” 

You grinned, pulling him into a tight hug, “Thank you, Ju Ju.”

Staying close friends became increasingly difficult, but Jumin wasn’t going to risk losing his friendship with you because of feelings. 

So you surprised him when you began randomly, “Jumin, I think I’m in love with you, okay?” 

You made eye contact, doing your best to show you were serious. 

As soon as he realized you were authentic in your confession, you turned around and began sprinting, flying open the door to his penthouse 

Jumin immediately chased after you, both in a full sprint 

You screamed when you heard his breathing and steps behind you and so increased your speed 

You had at last reached a dead end, but Jumin was a ways behind you. 

You reached for the elevator button, furiously clicking it – thankfully it came on the first ding. 

You rushed inside, repeatedly tapping the door-closing button. 

You sighed at last when you felt the elevator moving up, gasping for air. 

You attempted to continue going up to the highest story, which happened to be 320, grateful that this damn skyscraper had a ton of floors. 

You froze when the door came to a stop at floor 13. You panicked, trying to force the doors not to open. 

In front of you was a random businessmen, looked slightly peeved at the long wait he must’ve had for the elegant glass elevator. 

You apologized, allowing him into the elevator along with a crowd of impatient people, some gorgeous women with a smart suit and long hair, their phone resting on their cheek next to their ear, some more businessmen, glancing anxiously at their watches. 

As the elevator climbed to floor 21, a heap of people acknowledged their stop, pressing out of the elevator shaft and onto the busy hallways of what appeared to be the finance department. 

You sighed, pressing more buttons to go up higher. 

You screeched when you felt a hand on both of your wrists, slamming you into the wall behind you. 

Jumin’s eyes were glowing from the slight sweat that was beginning to form on his brow 

He looked pissed. 

“Don’t. Ever. Run. Away. From me. Again.” 

You gazed up at him, a guilty expression clouding your face 

“S-sorry..”, you quickly looked away, not bearing to look at the anger in his expression, the way he clenched his jaw and his eyes took on a darker hue… brows knit together. He was really mad. 

“You didn’t let me answer.” He said, his voice deep. 

He leaned in closer.. you closed your eyes in anticipation. 

He breathed a laugh through his nose, resting his forehead on your collarbone and shoulder. 

You blushed in embarrassment. 

Suddenly, Jumin hugged you tightly, “I love you too, MC.” 

Zen

As a fellow artist, Zen was overjoyed to say the least when he found out about your love for singing 

Your social media accounts were growing rapidly from your posts of music covers and original songs 

You also had a deep love to playing the harp. 

It had taken a lot of coaxing to convince your father to let you pay half and he pay the other of the expense of a 200,000 Won pedal harp 

But you loved it so much 

And so does Zen 

He’d definitely insist on doing a collaboration with you 

After the recording session and upload, both your following counts grew rapidly 

Comments of all types flooded your posts: 

OMG!!! ZEN!! BEAUTIFUL ZEN!!

who’s the b*tch next to him? 

omg, right? 

ew lol 

AHHHH I LOVE YOU ZEN!!! 

MC looks so cute…

fyp!! 

ZEN AND MC WOULD MAKE SUCH A CUTE COUPLE AWEEEE 

I agree!! 귀엽다   (cute) 

Over the course of your social media endeavor, you’d learned to ignore the ruthless comments of jealous fans 

Zen was worried you’d taken them personally so he validated you a lot over the period that the video was a hit 

Zen wrote a song about you (which he definitely serenaded you with): 

“your passion, my passion one in the same this song – our communicator of my love to you. your smile each day this serenade a simple translator the time we have means so much i wouldn’t spend it any other way.” - radio wave COMMUNICATION by Zen 

The song overtook the song charts, making it’s way to the #1 spot in half a day 

You’d asked him, “Zen, are you going to make that a single? You are, aren’t you? Right?” 

“No, this is something for you and you only” 

You smiled at that, but said, “Zen, love like this deserves to be shared. This song will mean something so special to someone else, just like it means something to me. Music, what we do.. it was made to be shared.” 

Zen looked at you with stars in his eyes, taking you in a big hug. 

You truly were the kindest person he’d ever met.. and he loved you so, so much. 

Even though you may not have realized yet what the truth of his feelings were in his serenade, he knew he’d wait for the day in anticipation when he’d finally ask you to be his. 

Saeran

Saeran wasn’t personally one for dramatics, but he loved watching you perform  

You’d sing for all kinds of musicals – you’d act for a series of plays 

He loved it when you’d act in classics like Macbeth or The Phantom of the Opera

It felt like a safe place to forget everything in his life and just watch you 

But he hadn’t fallen for you for who you pretended to be, but for who you really are. 

You were shy – something he found surprising (but unbelievably adorable) because you were a well-known actress 

When you’d first met him, you were walking outside the entrance way of the theater a few hours before your showtime. 

You had accidentally tripped and spilled coffee all over some tax forms you had to fill out

You let out a soft, “oh no!” 

Saeran had been early for a nice seat (hopefully away from other people) and noticed a woman in a cute over-sized sweater was muttering words under her breath, picking up what seemed to be endless amounts of papers 

He quietly walked over and just as softly said, “…need some help..?” 

You were surprised at the sudden presence of a stranger 

“o-oh! … yes please..” 

he smiled, leaning down and picking up stacks of coffee-stained paper

“would you like me to carry them for you?”, he said 

“are you– are you sure?” you looked up at him innocently in concern 

he answered by gently taking the stack of papers, “where to..?” 

“um… i’ll show you..” 

he nodded, following you to the backstage area where there was a mirror attached to a dresser, stage makeup covering the top of it. 

“you’re an actress?” 

you grinned shyly, “everyone’s surprised..” 

“n-no, i think it suits you. i was surprised because i’m watching the show tonight.” 

“r-really? you’ll watch me?” 

he nodded, blushing at your hopeful smile 

“i’ll do my best then, if you’ll watch me..” 

“good.” he looked away 

“i’ll be waiting” you said with a soft smile 

“so will i” 

yeah you two were literally so adorable.

- 

enjoy my beautifuls

[zmayadw]

Hi, love ❤️

I just wanted to say a couple of things about your latest post if I can.

I can relate to that feeling really well and I understand how difficult it is to explain it.

Of course I'm happy to see other people's works here in the fandom, but at the same time seeing all the effort the person put in it makes me feel even more guilty for not being so active/not doing a new artwork or post each day.

In summer, so when I had more time, I used to do more than 5 posts a day to suppress this feeling. I was really happy to be that active here, don't get me wrong, but at the same time so exhausting, since I tried my best to make people see I cared about them and my blog.

However, I've to admit that it's the worst when you're feeling tired or not so motivated and see the others posting a lot of wonderful stuff. It makes me lose even more motivation sometimes, because I'm afraid I'll never reach that level of quality in my posts.

I really hope I explained this whole quite clearly.

Thank you so much for reading and sending you a big virtual hug ❤️.

Hi, love 💚💚

First, let me just say that I am sorry you know this feeling, it definitely isn't the greatest feeling in the world and it can really get you more down and unmotivated for sure 😔

Second, I can relate to the part you said about doing your best to make others see you care about them and your blog with your posts.

Now what I am about to write will be another long rant from me, and a sort of vent regarding the previous (second) statement, so if you don't want to read it just skip it, no hard feelings, but I just need to get this off my chest.

I know manny here understand this kind of sittuations and feelings behind it, and I thank you all for it, but unfortunately there are (and I suppose always will be) those who don't understand it, as I've seen it being mentioned manny times in this or that way.

I really wish those ones would get to their heads that to create something, whether it be a drawing, or a fanfic or whatever other thing, takes time, and it is OUR time, that we more than happily spend creating all those things, because lets be honest here, we - as a creators of it all - like doing it and it makes US happy. But you also NEED to finally understand that we ARE NOT machines - we are just ordinary human beings behind our blog names, with our personsl lives and feelings, and we can easily crack under the presure of trying to balance all this and keeping everyone pleased. We, too, have bad days, just like everyone does, and we should be allowed to take breaks on such days without needing to worry what our followers might think about us if we don't post anything for a few days, or even longer.

I get it, you are all eager to get new content from us all, and I assure you we love making it and we appreciate every like and comment/feedback we get from you, it really means a lot to us, and we do care about you. But cut us some slack here for gods sake, because (at least in my case) sometimes it will happen we get unmotivated and tired and sad and angry and nervous...and we don't need to add to all of that the worry of our follower being unpleased/unhappy by the lack of our posting.

Keeping our blogs should be a fun thing firstly and mostly, it is not a "8-17" job thing but our free time we spend creating something we also can't wait to share with you all. So if you can't really wait some time for something new, by all means feel free to unfollow me, because I can guarantee you it will happen that it might pass days, weeks or even longer that I won't post new work. And if you can't finally understand that it is not because I don't care about you or my blog, then I even encourage you to do it. Because I'm tired of adding the worry about that too, along with everything that is or will happen in my life, to something that should give me a feeling of joy.

Ofcourse, this is just my oppinion, you don't have to agree with anything I said here, and that's fine, I'm not asking you that. And I won't apologize if I might sounded harsh here or made someone feel offended by anything I wrote here, but that's just how I feel.

Anyway, thanks to anyone who read this, and I wish you all to have a great day💚

[etherrealoblivion]

Chapter Five: The Something In His Eyes

Table Of Contents

Fic summary: Owning a bookstore in downtown D.C. came with its fair share of downsides. You never thought that being the target of a serial killer would be one of them. Luckily, a nice FBI agent by the name of Spencer Reid is assigned to watch over you. What's the worst that could happen?

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Words: 1,963

MASTERLIST

~

Over the next few days, you fell into a rhythm. You’d work on schoolwork remotely from your room. It was pretty easy to keep up with all the free time you had. 

So, obviously, the remaining time off was spent getting to know the enigma of a man 

that was Spencer Reid. You formed a rather strange acquaintanceship with him, not quite friends but more than a protector and protectee. The real question was who was protecting who?

You discovered many things about him, some quite apparent, others not. For example, you assumed he was very into technology as most nerdy types were. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He despised all things electronic, from e-books to computers themselves.

“Do you even own a cell phone?”

“Yes!” he insisted, driving you to work for the third day in a row. “Sure, it’s not a fancy smartphone, but I can dial numbers so much easier, anyway.” He handed you his old-school flip-phone.

“How do you text people on this thing?”

He laughed politely.

“I don’t.”

You took the time to interrogate him on the nuances of text language, something he lovingly referred to as ‘dreadfully impractical’.

Maybe this wouldn’t be too bad.

Being constantly watched wasn’t as disconcerting as you’d expected. Well, being watched by Spencer wasn’t. You pretended you didn’t notice the dark blue honda with the tinted windows following you all the way to work and parking nearby. Strange that the FBI seems to need lessons in being covert.

Fortunately, rude customers and the smell of books managed to take your mind off your current situation.

What didn’t help was having to constantly stop Spencer from rearranging all the books in the shop.

“They’re categorized by the Dewey Decimal System,” he said, disgust in his tone making you stifle a giggle. “What? Everyone knows that the Library of Congress Classification System is far superior.”

“Maybe, but my workers have memorized the Dewey Decimal System. It’s easier.”

“But it’s too vague! When you’re categorizing books you need to work from all sorts of classifications. For example . . .”

It was amazing to see how passionate he was about sorting books. You’d never met a man that didn’t just throw a novel (or, more realistically, a comic book) back anywhere on the shelf when he’d finished it. Spencer treated each book like a separate piece of artwork, carefully placing them back in the correct spot without fail. He’d run his hands over the leather bound covers, caressing them as delicately as possible. You couldn’t help but notice the swiftness and gracefulness at which his hands moved.

“You okay?” you snapped out of your stupor and found him standing much closer, a gentle hand on your shoulder.

You took a step back and cleared your throat.

“Yes, ahem, sorry. I need to get back to work.”

Quickly, you walked back over to the front desk, starting to update the book index.

Maybe I should have requested Emily as my protector, you thought to yourself, dusting off a returned copy of Fahrenheit 451. Spencer was super nice and a huge dork. Maybe that was the problem. It was easy to start to think of him as a friend rather than someone just doing his job. Maybe if you’d met under different circumstances you might have been . . . friends. 

But that wasn’t the case. Spencer was there to protect you. Any teasing or joking around was just a formality. But why did he have to be so damn enticing?

Around nine o’clock, customers started to peter out. Soon, the only people left in the shop were you, Caleb, your co-worker, and Spencer, who’d been sitting on the window sill reading book after book.

“Hey, I’m gonna clock out,” Caleb said, stripping out of his work shirt. God, that man took any excuse to take his shirt off. You didn’t blame him all that much. D.C, even in the dead of winter, was hot as hell. And when you had a chest like that, one couldn’t be blamed for showing it off.

“Okay, be in tomorrow at ten. I don’t trust Claire to come in on time.”

“No prob,” he waltzed out the front door into the illuminated street, the bell tinkling lightly.

You stood and stretched, glancing over to the windowsill Spencer had been sitting in.

Shocked, you saw Spencer exactly where he’d been about an hour ago, slumped up on the windowsill, fast asleep, using a book as a pillow.

Strange, though it was, that this man was an FBI agent, you couldn’t help giggling at the sight of him sacked out like a toddler.

“Spencer?” you hated to disturb him but you knew that he’d want you to wake him up. “Spencer, wake up.”

He moaned uncomfortably and stretched, jumper lifting up slightly to expose his lean stomach. It took all the self control you had not to stare.

“Whasitgonon?” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes and sitting up.

“You fell asleep,” you walked over to the loveseat in the center of the store and plopped down, sighing.

“Oh god. Sorry,” he stood, shaking himself awake and walking over to you, staring at the pile of books he’d devoured. “I guess I over-exerted myself.”

You scoffed. 

“Oh, come on. I thought you were a genius,” you teased, tossing a pillow at him.

With a little fumble, he caught it and sat down next to you, smiling.

“Yeah, but after a night of restlessness, anyone’s an idiot.” 

He said it with a sad smile, looking straight ahead. You decided not to ask about the restlessness.

“‘Care keeps his watch in every old man’s eye, and where care lodges—“

“—sleep will never lie,’” Spencer finished the quote for you. “Shakespeare.”

Without thinking, you looked at him, shocked to find he was already looking at you. There was something behind his eyes that made you freeze. Something curious. 

And suddenly, in that moment, that split second, something shifted. You knew it and Spencer did too. You could tell by the sudden dilation of his eyes and the sharp intake of breath he let slip.

He recognized his mistake and broke eye contact, glancing away and clearing his throat.

“What, uh, what time is it?” he said, looking for a clock while nonchalantly moving farther away on the loveseat.

“Nearly eleven,” you said, glancing at the grandfather clock, smiling at the fact he didn’t wear a watch. Why is that so endearing? “We can leave now if you like?” You grabbed your purse and started locking up.

“Isn’t it closing time?” 

“Well, usually customers stop coming in at around ten, but we close officially at eleven.”

“Then why stay? Why not just leave at ten?”

“I guess I like to think that if someone has a book emergency, it’s comforting to know that I’m here.”

You blushed. You’d never really told anyone that. Claire and Caleb probably had no idea that you stayed as late as you did. What was it that made you tell Spencer?

He hadn’t said anything so you looked at him.

The darkness of the shop made it so you could only see his silhouette. A tall figure against the light of the street lamps, he was poised and solid, staring out into the empty street. 

“Spencer?”

“Get behind me,” his tone scared you. He spoke with urgency and you could see his hand on his hip where he’d concealed his gun.

Without hesitation, you stepped behind a bookshelf, slightly peeking around it so you could see what he was doing.

He moved like a shadow, slipping out of the shop and moving onto the street, towards the dark blue honda down the road.

Why is he sneaking up on the undercover car?

There was a screech and the car zoomed off and Spencer leaped into a sprint, running after it.

It finally clicked in your brain and you scolded yourself for not realizing it earlier.

That wasn’t an FBI car.

Becoming quickly aware of the danger you were in, you moved from behind the bookshelf to behind the loveseat, crouching as low as you could and trying to slow your breathing.

Your breath froze in your lungs as the soft sound of the bell by the door tinkled, alerting you that someone had entered the store. You snapped your hand over your mouth.

Praying it was Spencer but not actively believing it was, you stayed silent, waiting for the person to make themselves known.

“Y/N, it’s me. Are you here?”

It was Spencer.

You stood up from behind the sofa and ran to him, throwing your arms around him, hugging him tight and finally letting the tears fall from your eyes.

Feeling Spencer tense against you wasn’t the best feeling, but it was worth it for the way he melted into you after a moment, sliding his hands around your waist.

Breathing in deeply against his chest, you started to relax. His chest was harder than you’d thought. There were definitely some muscles he was keeping hidden.

Before you could enjoy the embrace too much, Spencer pulled back and looked at you.

There was a flicker of something in his eyes when you separated, but it was gone before you could analyze it, turning back to his professional demeanor.

“M-nine-L-D-G-seven,” he said robotically.

“What?” you said, removing your arms from around his neck and wiped the tears from your eyes, worrying that your brain had just short circuited.

“I got the plate but i’m sure he’ll replace it. It’s unlikely he’ll use that car again but I still need to report it.”

“I should have said something,” you murmured to yourself.

“What do you mean?” he said, whipping out his phone and typing rapidly.

“I saw the car following us earlier today. I assumed it was the protective detail.” Then, upon seeing the shocked look on his face: “I’m sorry, Spencer, I should have—“

His phone started to buzz and he answered it.

“Hotch? . . . Yeah just now. . . . Okay, I'll bring her in. . . . Yep, see you soon.”

He hung up and looked at you, a guilty expression on his face.

“I have to take you back to Quantico — uh — headquarters.”

“Okay.”

You stayed quiet the whole car ride. Spencer kept looking over at you, trying to be casual. Nothing felt casual. The way he held you in the bookstore wasn’t casual. The way he ran after a speeding car to protect you wasn’t casual. The way he’d stared into your eyes not long ago was . . . well, something, but not casual. You weren’t quite ready to explore that something yet. 

The ride up in the elevator to the BAU was dead silent. Another instance where elevator music would come in handy. 

Your reflection in the elevator doors was strange. Alien. It wasn’t you. It was as though a ghost was in your body, keeping you upright as you watched from behind your eyes, unable to do anything. It was terrifying.

Then, warmth flooded your hand, Spencer’s fingers intertwined with yours, squeezing gently.

Without turning your head, you glanced at his reflection. He was staring straight ahead, no expression, but his thumb was drawing soft circles on the back of your hand.

Before the doors opened and Spencer’s hand slipped out of yours, you caught a glimpse of yourself again in the reflection, only for a split second. It was still not a you that you’d ever seen before, but for an entirely different reason. There wasn’t fear or worry in your eyes, but something more. The same something you’d seen earlier in the bookstore in Spencer’s. 

Stepping out of the elevator and into the bullpen, you found yourself wondering when this would all be over with.

And definitely, totally, not wishing it might never end.

~

Taglist: @aperrywilliams @mjloveskids666 @dolanfivsosxox @criesinreid @fanficsrmylife @racerparker @sammypotato67 @lukeskisses @reidcrimes @you-had-me-at-hello-dear @l0ve-0f-my-life @thatsonezesty13​ @yourmisosoup

[lukneetoonz]

Never Tear Us Apart

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Summary: You always did say you attracted the bad ones...

Pairing: Mafia!Dabi x Jazz Singer Female!Reader

Warnings: Drinking, smoking, cussing, sexy times implied, violence, semi angst I guess, drinking, just some good stuff.

Word Count: 2,509

A/N: I know I know- what the hell am I doing writing another Fic when I still have two to finish, well, when I saw prison outfit dabi, I just- *boom* instant inspiration, I couldn’t help it! PLUS I HIT 200 FOLLOWERS AND WANTED TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL!!

ARTWORK CREDS TO @workofann ! I WAS INSPIRED BY THEIR ART TO DO THIS!! PLEASE GO CHECK THEM OUT!

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How come you only attracted the bad guys? And no you didn’t mean jerks, you meant actual bad guys. Was it something about you that made guys think, ‘Hey this pretty dime looks like she would go for me, a famous bank robber!’. You don’t even have enough fingers to count all the men you’ve been with that end up in jail, or dead! But you’ll have to admit, none of those men took your breath away like the blue eyed devil you called your man.

How could you not fall in love with Dabi? The way he smirked, how he would smoke after an amazing night in bed, but the best of it all was his whisky and campfire scent. It was intoxicating, and if you could, you’d drown in it. From the very first moment that your eyes met, you knew you had to have him and keep those beautiful alluring eyes in your life. For the rest of your set, you only stared at him across the club, making sure to put on your best performance.

Thankfully you also caught his eye, not even listening to the blonde haired girl beside him, or the blue haired man who looked like he might kill the girl across from him. As the boss, Dabi didn’t need to listen, he just needed to give orders and stand back. Never did the man think he would be thankful to Toga for something so insignificant, like finding this underground jazz club. Snapping out of his trance, he made his crew leave, because like hell was he going to let them see you up close and ruining things for him before he even got a chance.

That night, Dabi waited. He waited until you were done so he could talk to you, maybe buy you a drink. As you walked off the stage, a hand reached out to you to help, wanting to make sure you didn’t fall. When your eyes met those shining blue ones again, you automatically blushed, because now those eyes were even closer. Seeing them so close, you could see every little detail, they held so much in them, it felt like you could drown in them.

“So Tell me, what does a guy like me gotta do to buy a pretty little dame like yourself, a drink?” His smooth, but raspy voice brought A smile to your face as you felt your whole body heat up. “Hmm, I don’t know honey… how does tellin me your name sound?” Dabi leaned closer to you, a smirk on his face as he twirled a strand of your hair with his finger, “Names Dabi. Now how about we go dip the bill and I can learn more about you than just your name?”

That’s all it took for you to mindlessly nod and follow the stranger to the bar, unknowing that it would be the first of many nights you would spend together. Not that you were complaining…

*•*

Months later, you found yourself spending all your free time with Dabi. You guys told eachother everything, well at least you told him everything. Even if you had talked about marriage and what the future held for you two, you still didn’t know about his real job, nor his hobbies. You were listening to the radio news while you got dinner ready, not really caring until the crime spot started.

“Touya Todoroki, also known as ‘Matches’, struck again last night. In his wake, 4 bodies were recovered from the burned warehouse that is notoriously known for its storing of pharmaceutical drugs. The bodies have not been identified, but the police ask if anyone has information on the mafia boss, please call the tip line.” You shuddered as a frown made its way onto your face, those poor people… not to mention their families, what if they never find out?

The opening and closing of the door brought you out of your thoughts, and also brought a smile on your face. “Doll? You here?” Skipping out of the kitchen, you prounced on Dabi, arms wrapping around his neck as he spun you around. “You’re home early honey, good day today?” You were so innocent, so sweet, that’s what drew him towards you. But it’s also what made him feel so horribly guilty. Nodding, the black haired man kissed your forehead, “It’s a good day whenever I get to see you doll…”

A giggle left your lips as you stared up at the handsome man, hands playing with his suspenders, “I already love you, you don’t have to flirt with me anymore” Dabi laughed, kissing your nose as he winked, “Who says I flirt for you? Maybe I flirt because I love seeing your reactions to it.” He really knew what to say to make your heart flutter, smiling you kissed his cheek softly.

“So, anything new today?” Dabi asked as he sat down at the table, watching you do the same. “Not really, but the radio was talking about some redhot… even thinking about it gives me the heebie-jeebies” You shuddered as you once again remembered the reporters words. Dabi tilted his head and took a sip of his drink, looking at you curiously, “It was probably just some common thug that the fuzz will put away.” You frowned at your man's nonchalant attitude.

“That’s the thing, they were saying it was some- big named mobster! They had a nickname for him and everything, he popped 4 people!” At the new information, Dabi tensed and his grip on the utensils tightened. “Uh… you talking about Matches?” You pointed at the man across from you nodding, “Yes-! That was it. Touya ‘Matches’ todo-something! I can’t stop thinking if those people he killed had families, and if they did will they even be able to bury them properly?”

The more you talked, the faster Dabi’s heart raced. Those damn reporters never knew when to shut their kissers. Yet, hearing you talk about him in such a negative tone made him fill with guilt. He was nothing but a grifter. He convinced himself and you, that he was a normal 9 to 5 worker, he made you believe that he was anything but the man on the radio. When you saw those beautiful blue eyes staring off into space, you couldn’t help but frown, wanting to know what was troubling him so you could help.

“You look troubled handsome, what’s going on?” Dabi bit his lip and looked at her, a thoughtful look on his face, but before he could answer, the door was broken down and multiple police officers came charging in with their guns up, “DON'T MOVE AND PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEADS” In came a big man, with fire red hair and- and eyes that matched Dabi? Screaming out, you did as you were told, looking over to the man you loved terrified, only to see he had a dark look on his face, anger practically sleeping out of him.

“Where the fuck do you get off coming in when I’m with my girl? Huh?” Dabi snarled, his eyes meeting the red haired detective, in one motion he pulled you behind him. “She doesn’t know shit, you didn’t need to bring the whole chopper squad.” You were confused, but nonetheless gripped onto Dabi like your life depended on it. “Zip it Touya, by the time I’m finished with you, you’ll be begging to be left to fry” Enji motioned for one of the officers to grab you, and before you could protest, arms wrapped around you and started tugging you away.

Dabi didn’t hesitate to react as he whipped around and sucker punched the officer who dared to touch you. Only he was roughly grabbed and pistol whipped by Enji, “Assaulting a police officer? That can earn you a three-spot easily. And your little pro skirt here? I can send her to the house for hiding a thug like you.” You sobbed out, trying to reach Dabi but he held his hand up to you, as of saying stop.

“That’s my girl you���re talking bad about, watch it pig. Like I said she knows nothing, she’s just a little Canary at a small jazz club.” Enji let out a snicker, walking towards you and forcefully grabbed your chin to look at him, “How dumb does this broad have to be to not know she’s been sharing a bed with a punk like yourself?” You let out a whimper, eyes filled with fright as you looked at Dabi, “D-Dabi, what is he talking about?”

Sapphire eyes refused to meet your own, jaw tensing he let a cop handcuff him, “I’m the one you heard about on the radio doll… I’m sorry” His words were a whisper, and you felt as if your whole world came crashing down as you dropped to your knees. Enji laughed before he grabbed dabi’s arm, “You’re an embarrassment to the Todoroki name.” The red haired man scoffed, earning a glare from Dabi, “You ain’t no angel yourself, pop.”

As they dragged Dabi away, you didn’t even know what to feel. He lied to you. This whole time he lied to you. You didn’t even know his real name. Who was the man you fell in love with? Was that just a cover? A facade to hide from the police? When everyone was gone, you still stayed in your spot, tears rushing down your face as you felt like you had been beaten down. Could you even love Dabi anymore?

*•*

Ever since that day, you had no contact with Dabi. Even if he hurt you, you still listened to the radio to hear about his trial, or any news related to him. It had been 2 months without him, and you couldn’t find it in you to let him go. When the reporter announced that Dabi was sentenced to life in prison, you couldn’t help but sob. You were going to have to let him go, even if he was the love of your life, you still wanted to get married one day, maybe even have kids. You wanted all those things that you were supposed to do with Dabi, but now you can’t.

After he was properly sentenced and sent to his new home, you started getting letters frequently, all of them from the same place Dabi was held at. Even if your heart begged you to open each letter, you couldn’t. If you did, you’d fall right back into his arms and be stuck on him til the day you died. After a month of letters, they stopped coming, only for dabi’s associates to come knocking at your door. But you ignored the loud banging and calls for your name, maybe- just maybe they’ll think you moved.

While you were a mess, Dabi was even worse. Sure, he was basically the king of the house, but it all meant nothing when he lost the only thing he loved; his queen. Dabi grew worried, thinking something might have happened to you, so when he sent his associates at your door, imagine his surprise to know you were alive. He knew he messed up, but like hell was he gonna let the image of him being dragged away be your last memory of him.

Since the day he was arrested, Dabi was planning his escape. He had some of the jurors on his pay grade, not to mention most of the guards at the prison owed him a favor. One day, later in the night, Dabi was being ‘transported’, his little informer Hawks had him all set up for the perfect escape. The handcuffs would ‘malfunction’ and he’d be able to free a hand from one of the silver bracelets, granting him more than enough leeway to escape unharmed.

As he bent down over one of the now dead guards, he took in a deep breath, stealing the pack of cigarettes that was on the corpse. “Keigo, did i ever tell you that you’re my favorite little snitch?” Yellow eyes glared as the blonde man cleaned up slightly, “yeah yeah, just shoot me in the shoulder and go get your gal.” Dabi laughed before shooting Keigo in a place he knew wouldn’t kill him, but still make it seem like he wasn’t part of what happened.

There was no hesitation in dabi’s actions as he stayed in the shadows but made his way to you, still in his orange jumper and partial handcuffs. All he knew was that he needed to see you. It was late, probably about 10 pm, so he knew you were probably asleep. When he reached your building, he started climbing up the fire escape, counting the floors as he went up. As he reached your window, he didn’t hesitate to open it, slightly upset that it wasn’t locked and just anyone could come in.

Though when he entered, he had a cigarette hanging loosely between his lips, blue eyes automatically landing on your fully awake figure, clutching a crowbar. “D-dabi?” Tears filles your eyes, as you pinched yourself, trying to make sure you weren’t dreaming. The man before you chuckled, walking towards you, “I was getting worried something happened to you doll, it stings to know that all along you’ve been avoiding me.”

Even if he had a playful tone, his eyes were full of hurt, but it soon changed when you collided with his chest. “H-how? I thought I was never going to see you again, and- dabi I had to keep my distance or else I would never be able to let you go!” The black haired man hushed your rambles, a hand coming to stroke your hair, “I’m sorry doll… I promise I ain’t ever leaving you again.” A smile spread to both of your faces, but you soon looked worried.

“What if they come here looking for you? What will we do?” Ruffling your hair Dabi went and grabbed your suitcase, putting it on the bed. “We won’t be here for them to tear us apart. I know a place for us to stay and they won’t ever get to us.” You nodded and started to stuff your belongings into the empty bag, heart racing with excitement of the unknown. “We’ll never die out, right Dabi?” Dabi nodded, hand coming to cup your cheek, “Right doll…”

[404-not-found-xix]

3, 5, 17, 24

<3 <3 These are fun, thank you @themastermindsqueen for the ask!!

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

- This one is a tough one for me because I’ve been thinking about it since last night. A while, I think it was you? Or someone else I know? Gave me a great fic idea and it ran out of my mind. Something about Elliot and another character getting closure. 

I do like the idea of writing a fic where Elliot shares that he was sexually abused by his father, Edward Alderson. I would bring in Darlene and Mr. Robot since they’re so crucial to this. Darlene needs to know, she needs to know the truth about her father. I think it could give Elliot the cathartic healing he needs by sharing his experience with Darlene. She would start to see the truth behind Elliot, growing up as a kid, and the signs Edward displayed as a predator. Elliot would cry and they would talk. Really, Elliot would lean into trusting and sharing with his sister which is something they desperately need. For the both of them.

Maybe this is the fic idea? My gut tells me so. Still, it flutters in mind. It’s not quite the itch! We’ll see in time~~

5. What character that you’re writing do you most identify with?

- I would say Brian Kelly from Gleaming The Cube. I’m such a Christian Slater fan and I’m a wholesome bean. Who doesn’t love teen angst, kindness, warmth, and a bit of rebellion? He’s really such a nice kid trying to avenge his brother’s death, Vinh. 

I wish I could hug him and throw him up into the air and shower him with love. Such a good guy, I wish I had someone like that in my life. In-person!

On the MR side, I would say Elliot. But he’s so difficult to write- he’s emotionally reserved and cut off. I usually sway to writing from Tyrell’s perspective because it’s easier for me! He’s irrational, delusional, and clearly has bipolar disorder. In the Mr verse, it’s easier for me to emotionally register into a character like that because I know what’s like to fall apart and have the world you thought you knew to be lost. And he’s grabbing onto a waypoint- Elliot- that he bases his worldview on him. It’s not healthy but luckily we all grow. I’m playing to my own tune and jamming hardcore. *Insert guitar solo*

24. Would you say your writing has changed over time?

Yes! I started off writing through poetry and roleplaying on Tumblr. Writing on AO3 is actually new to me. I’ve shifted from a short plotline to more fleshed out and developed characters. I try and make the world more immersive through sound and the character’s emotional development. I’m still working on the second part, sometimes I want to push things along and get to the more important stuff. But! It’s crucial. Hopefully, people can see that it’s something I’m developing. Maybe I need to publish more fics! I probably do lol. They’re coming along, I needed a break from writing. I want to come back to it. I want to finish the stories I’ve written.

Below: Trigger warning: Sex, rape mention, bloody smut, physical violence/abuse?, scat, hardcore pornography discussion.

17. Do you think readers perceive your work - or you - differently to you? What do you think would surprise your readers about your writing or your motivations?

Yeah! I think my writing gives off a different perspective of myself than what it is. I’m actually a quiet person unless I know you and then I can get very chatty. I’m also very sex-positive (not to drum up drama, I’m not interested in that) but I think the discussion of healthy boundaries is important. Even as writers. That’s why (personally speaking, not a shot at anyone) I don’t write real people fiction smut. I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of uncomfortable sexual desire and so, for me, this is my personal boundary line. I can write, I can express desire in a way that is also removed from the actors themselves, and they aren’t experiencing uncomfortable feelings unless they go hunting for it.

Other people got their own boundaries and feelings on the matter and that’s okay. They’re valid! It’s just not for me and that’s okay. It works for other people! 

On the other hand, I fucking planned to make my Bachelor of Art thesis on pornography and the way women are treated in pornography. And it wasn’t for the faint of heart- I’m talking scat porn, mutilation, beating, and drug use. The question of consent and regulation was a big question posed in my thesis- because when you have a half-conscious, cut up, bleeding person (really regardless of gender here) you gotta wonder why a person would do this for money. What are their circumstances? Is this their independent choice? What does this say about us, the people who consume it? The ones filming it- are they responsible for this person in any way? Is this *waves hand at the content* ethical? What does it do to us- the ones consuming it? Because there is a growing audience for it, and the internet only makes it more accessible. It’s going to go away either, it’s always been there. But what do we do about it? If anything at all?

And it’s all free baby. You can find this stuff through an easy google search and there are hordes of videos. You can even find people fucking dead bodies. Shot, bleeding, and they’re being fucked. Raped? Who the fuck knows!

So, it’s all about the discussion. Everyone has their right to do what they want, but sometimes I step back and go, “Whoa, is this even right?” And listen to my gut feeling. But I also do a ton of research to understand both sides. I’d rather learn and fully understand before I take action and have a hard stance as opposed to shutting something down before knowing more.

Also, this why I’m not trying to stir the pot. I like to talk and understand things. The world is far more grey than we make it out to be. It’s complicated! And that’s okay.

And hey, I’m the one making that content too! It says something about me and that’s okay. I throw guns and hitting in my own smut/artwork. I’m not an angel myself and I’ve consumed some dark content in the name of desire. It says something about me and I’m alright with that. Like I said, I’m not trying to create drama. I have the right to express myself and talk.

Motivations- fuck, I want more shows like MR. Hard, gritty, and rebellious. You can be mentally ill or really, a whole fucking person even in the moments when we feel guilty for being ‘broken’ or ‘crazy’ and still be a person. Mentally ill people can still have desire and do wonderful, powerful things in their life. No one is better than the other. We’re equal. 

Also, the show has incredible writing. I don’t want it to end- but I bet you could guess that one, huh? 

[bamby0304]

The Hart III: Secrets

Chapter 18: Psycho Nell

Series Masterlist

Summary: Three months… Dean was gone for three months and now he’s back. He’s back and he truly has no idea how much things have changed. Life moved on while Dean was in Hell, and now things are complicated. With new faces and troubles right around the corner, will the trio find a way to come back together? Or has all hope been lost?

Warning: Angst. Violence. Death.

A/N: Just a heads up... for now I won’t be doing a tag list so if you want to know when I post stories follow @bambys-library​ :) thank you @crashdevlin​ for reading it over!! xx

Bamby

DPOV

Sam, Liz and I hurried down the porch stairs, seeing Brian hurry around the house and towards us.

"Hey. You okay?" he asked us.

Ignoring his question, I got to the more pressing issue. "Where is everybody?"

"Hiding."

"All right, go get them. Go. Go get them," I told him. Once he was gone, I turned back to Liz and Sam. "So, it's not a ghost."

"So, it's just a girl?" Sam shrugged.

I shook my head. "It's not just a girl. It's psycho Nell. I'm telling you, man. Humans."

"Who cares what she is? I wanna know who she is and why she's here." Liz had a good point.

"I don't know." I shrugged. "Maybe it's the daughter, Rebecca. Maybe she didn't hang herself."

"Dude, no." Sam didn't look convinced. "She'd have to be like fifty years old by now."

"Well, I don't know," I sighed. It’s not like we had a lot to work on right now. "What'd you find in the attic?"

"Some old junk. I found Rebecca's diary. That's about it."

"I wish you'd found a howitzer." Anything to get rid of the psycho and keep us safe would be good. "Listen, we got to get this family safe. I mean, it's just a human, so they can make a run for it. We just got to hold her off."

Just then, Susan, Brian and Kate came around the corner. "We're okay," Susan assured us.

"Danny! Ted!" Brian called out. "We got to go!"

A moment later, Ted jogged around from the other side of the house. "I'm good!"

"Danny!" Susan yelled. "Come on!"

"Danny, buddy, we got to go!" Brian added.

Ted turned to me. "Told you it was some crazy bitch."

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. "Yes, you did."

Sam stepped up to Brian and Susan. "Head to town. We'll take it from here, okay?"

"Danny, come on, baby! We're leaving!" Susan was still calling out to her son.

"Danny, we got to go!"

But when neither Brian's or Susan's calls were answered, she turned to her husband with fear in her eyes. "Brian, where- where is he?"

"Danny!"

"Danny!"

When he figured Danny wasn't coming, Brian knew the rest of his family still had to be taken care of, so he grabbed his wife. "Suse, Suse, Suse.” He shook her until she looked at him. “We will find Danny, I promise you."

She shook her head, voice shaking. "No."

"No. Take Kate and go now. Now, while you still have a chance."

"Not without Danny."

"We will find him," he assured her.

Kate shook her head. "I am not going out there with mum alone."

She had a good point, the two of them alone might not last that long... "She's right. Until we find your son, the safest place for you right now is in the shed." I gestured to the small shed a few feet from the house.

Kate turned to me. "I am not going in there either."

"Yes, you are." I wasn't leaving it up for discussion. "It is the best defence. The windows are boarded up. It's got one door. It's our best shot right now. Trust me."

Agreeing with me, Brian nodded as he grabbed his wife's attention again. "Suse. Kate. Go." When they didn't move, he repeated himself, a little firmer. "Go."

Once both Susan and Kate were gone, the rest of us huddled up.

Sam gestured to Brian. "All right, you and me will take the outside." Then he nodded to Liz, Ted and I. "You three take the house. Let's go."

EPOV

Back in the living room, both Dean and I moved to the door the girl had come out of while Ted grabbed a knife from one of the boxes in the dining room. Opening the door, I crouched down to feel the floor while Dean checked the walls.

"What are you doing?" Ted asked.

"She's human. She had to come from somewhere," Dean explained right before he found a loose board big enough for a person to fit through.

As we pulled the board away, we were hit with a rotting and stale stench. Dean and I didn't react, but Ted pulled away, making a noise of disgust.

"You smell that?"

"Every day," Dean mumbled. Turning to Ted, he gestured for the knife, which Ted gave him. Using his torch to light the way, he crawled into the space. "Come on." Putting both objects in one hand, he offered me the other to help me through.

I took his free hand while Ted held the board out of my way. Moving further into the space, Dean and I stood and shuffled down a little more so Ted could get in. It was a tight fit and dark, and in an instant, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

"You feel that?" I swear, it was like I could feel eyes on me, watching our every move.

Dean looked down at me. "What?"

Shaking my head, I dismissed the feeling as just being paranoid. "Never mind."

Once Ted was in, we started to move further down the space. It wasn't long before we came to a corner, and around that corner was a hole.

As Dean looked down the hole, thinking, Ted spoke up, "You're not going down there."

"Well, do you want to?"

Ted didn't say anything, but that told us everything. He wasn't going down, and I really wasn't surprised. Didn't blame him either. But as Dean started to crouch, I knew I couldn't leave him to go on his own.

"I'm going, too."

Dean looked up at me. I could see he was unsure of that idea. "Liz..."

"I'm not asking, Dean. I'm telling.

Sighing, knowing there was no point in arguing, Dean started to lower himself down into the hole. "Please nobody grab my leg. Please nobody grab my leg." The moment he was down he looked around for a moment before looking up at me. "Okay. Just… take it easy."

Nodding, I crouched down and eased my legs in, letting Dean grab my waist and help me down. The whole time, I knew I should be concentrating on the job and the danger, but I couldn't stop thinking about his hands on me. It was like my body was hyper-aware of everything around me. The eyes watching us before, now Dean touching me...

Once my feet were on solid ground, I dusted myself and gave him a small smile. "Thanks."

"No problem." He gave a short nod back and turned, only to jump when he nearly walked into a rat's corpse that hung mere inches from his face. "Son of a-" Turning away from the rat, he paused again, light shining on another corpse. "Dog. It's what's for dinner."

Buster the dog had been torn to shreds. Poor guy...

"Danny?" Dean called, trying to keep his voice low.

"Find anything?" Ted asked from above.

"Yeah, her kitchen," Dean mumbled. "Watch where you're going, okay? There's crap everywhere," he warned me as we started to move, having to stay hunched so as not to hit our heads.

As we looked around, I noticed some artwork drawn on the walls, in blood. It was a picture of two stick figures holding hands, a boy and a girl.

"She's just a kid." The words left my mouth before I realised I was even thinking them.

Dean turned to me. "Liz, she's-"

Before he could finish, he was cut off by the sound of a scream, and then a thump.

Hurrying back to the hole, we reached it two seconds before Ted fell forward, half of him hanging out of the hole, blood dripping from the fatal wound in his neck.

Dean grabbed me and pushed me back as he used his other hand to cover the torch's light. The two of us pressed into the wall as much as possible, trying to stay hidden. Trying not to make a noise or move a muscle.

SPOV

Brian and I were in the shed with Susan and Kate, who were sitting in the corner, waiting. Brian was pacing. We'd been waiting for Dean, Ted and Lizzie to come back for some time now. They'd been gone a lot longer than Brian and I had been out looking for Danny.

"Look," Brian stepped up to me, "why are we just standing here? Let's go in. Let's check the house."

"We have to wait for them to get back, okay?"

There was a knock on the door then, followed by Dean's voice. "Sam, it's us."

Moving to the door, I gestured to the heavy desk we'd put in front of it. "Help me out."

Brian came over to help, pulling the desk out of the way so we could open the door. Once we did, Dean and Lizzie stepped in, alone...

Susan hurried over to them in an instant. "Did you get Danny?"

Dean shook his head, clearly feeling guilty. "No."

"No?" Looking around, Susan then noticed what I already had. "Well, where's Ted?"

"He's outside."

Frowning at Dean's response, Susan didn't stop with the questions. "Well, why doesn't he come inside?"

Dean and Lizzie shared pained looks as my brother answered, "Because I had to carry him out. I'm sorry."

"You're... what does that mean? What does that mean, you're sorry?"

Brian looked between Lizzie and Dean. "Are you saying that he's dead?"

Susan shook her head. "No. No, he's not saying that he's dead. You're not saying that, are you?"

All of a sudden, Lizzie turned and walked out.

Dean watched her go, no one stopping her as he explained what happened. "We were in the walls and she attacked." Susan's hand came up to cover her mouth as she moved to cry against Brian's shoulder as he wrapped an arm around her. "And I couldn't get to him in time."

"Uncle Ted is dead?"

Shaking his head, looking so guilty, Dean turned for the door. "I shouldn't have left him alone." Before he left, he turned back to Brian. "I'm very sorry."

EPOV

Dean was standing a few feet away from where I sat outside the shed, watching the perimeter. Everyone else was inside. Sam was reading the diary he found while Brian tried to calm Susan who was in shock.

"Hi..."

I looked up from where I sat on the grass outside the shed, seeing Kate coming out to stand next to me. "Hey..."

"Can I join you?" she asked, gesturing to the spot next to me.

I moved over a bit as an answer.

Once she sat down, the two of us were silent for a moment or two. Looking out at the house in front of us. Seeing it at night like this, and under these circumstances, it really made the place seem ten times worse than it was. Underneath all the bad, there was plenty of potential.

If it wasn't for the fact hunters don't really settle down, I would have probably found the house nice enough to live in. A bit big. But still nice.

"What's it like?" Kate asked suddenly. "What's your job like?"

"What? Hunting?" I shrugged. "Like any job, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad."

"So, what you do, it's called hunting?"

"Yeah. We hunt monsters and stuff. Save people."

"People like us?"

"Well, yeah... but normally the monsters aren't people," I noted.

I wasn't sure if Dean, Sam, or even Bobby realised this, but I had never killed a human being. Ever. I mean, I've killed witches, and people who turn into things, and people possessed by demons, but I hadn't killed someone that hadn't been touched by the supernatural.

"How did you become a... a hunter?"

"Dad was killed. Mum was killed. Sister was killed," I answered, a little more harshly than I wanted.

Kate rested her chin on her knees that were bent to her chest. "I lost my brother last year. My older brother, Andy." I could hear the sadness in her voice, the loss. "Does it get better?"

I turned to her then, and for the briefest moment, I saw my younger self in her. Hurting. Lost. Confused. Scared. The world was a bigger and lonelier place now. She'd never see things the way she had before. Everything had changed, and she didn't know what to do.

"It'll get better. But it'll never be the same."

DPOV

I walked up to Brian as he stood in front of the house. "Andy your son?" I asked, having overheard Liz and Kate talking about the family’s loss.

He turned to me briefly before looking at the house again. "Oldest. He got himself killed in a car accident last year."

"I'm sorry."

"It nearly tore Suse and me apart. Still could, I imagine. That's why we moved here. Fresh air, fresh start. Not even my line. Marriage counsellor. 'Course, she might be right. After all, what could possibly go wrong in the country?" He shook his head.

"I'm getting your son back," I assured him. "If it's the last godforsaken thing I do."

"Why do you care so much?"

"Dean." We looked over to see Sam and Liz headed towards us, my brother holding up the book. "We gotta talk."

...

Back in the dining room, I looked around to make sure we were alone before turning to Sam and Liz. "What is that?" I gestured to the book.

"Rebecca's diary," Sam explained. "I just finished reading it."

"And?" I pressed, wanting him to get to the point.

"That girl back there? Pretty sure she was Rebecca's daughter."

I frowned. That didn't make any sense... "Rebecca had a kid?"

Sam nodded. "It's all she talks about. Being pregnant, being ashamed of being pregnant."

"Jeez, rent Juno and get over it," I mumbled. "Wait, why kill herself after the baby?"

"Maybe because her dad called her a dirty little whore and said he was gonna lock the baby up," Sam noted.

"Why would he say that?" When Sam said nothing but just gave me a pointed look, the answer came to me. "Oh, gross."

"Yeah." Sam nodded.

"So, the daddy was the baby-daddy too?"

Liz's face turned up in disgust. "How could someone do that to their own child?"

Sam shook his head, just as grossed out. "Dude was a monster."

"Wow, a story ripped from an Austrian headline," I sighed. "Humans, man." Sometimes they could be worse than the monsters we hunted. "So, she's been locked up her whole life?"

"You saw her eyes. Has she ever seen light? She's barely human," Sam noted.

"Okay, so, what, then, she's been caged up like an animal and she busts out and ganks dear old Dad? Slash Granddad?" I asked, trying to figure out the story so we could figure out what to do next.

"I guess." Sam shrugged.

That made things a little clearer. After a life like that, no wonder she killed her father. "Well, can't say I blame her."

"I'm sure her life was hell, Dean. It doesn't mean she gets a free pass for murder."

"Like you know what Hell's like."

"I didn't..."

No, he didn't know what Hell was like. But I did. I knew the torture and pain of it all. I knew the agony and misery it pulls out of you. The never-ending nightmare you can't wake up from. I'd felt all of it, and I'd inflicted some of the pain too. I knew what it was like, he didn't, so to assume...

"Forget it." Shaking my head, I turned away.

Looking from Sam and me, Liz sighed. "So where is this girl and how do we find her? She's gotta have Danny somewhere."

A thought occurred to me then. "Kid's gotta eat, right?"

"What?" both Sam and Liz asked, confused.

"He kept her hidden, locked up, but he had to feed her, didn't he?"

Sam shrugged. "I guess."

"I think I know where."

SPOV

In the kitchen, Dean, Liz, Brian and I stood around the dumbwaiter. Dean used a fireplace poker to break the drywall to make a hole that would lead down under the house. His theory was that the girl lived under the kitchen, and would be keeping Danny down there too. With no other real options, we were working with his hunch.

"Could've kept her hidden here for years," I noted. "Kept her fed, nobody would ever know."

Once Dean broke through the drywall, Brian flinched back from the rotting stench coming from the hole in the wall.

I moved to lean in, shining the light into the shaft. "Danny! Danny!"

"Watch out, I'm going down," Dean told me. It wasn't a question, and there was no way to stop him.

"No," Brian argued. "That's my son."

But like I said, there was no way to stop Dean. "I know it is, but I said that I would get him. I will. Let me."

After a moment, Brian gave him a short nod of approval. Turning to the shaft, Dean pulled himself in and got himself into a position where he could use the sides to climb down.

Before he did, Lizzie stepped up to him. "Don't do anything stupid. You need help, you yell. Okay?"

"Okay," he assured her.

Once he started climbing down, I leaned into the gap to check on him. The moment his feet touched the ground, I pulled out to look at Brian. "Hey, you got curtains? We need rope."

Without a word, he turned to get what we needed.

Lizzie stepped up to join me then, the two of us squeezing together to look down the shaft to see Dean disappearing, out of sight.

DPOV

As I moved around, I found some of my weapons lying on the ground, scattered all over the place. Picking a gun up, I checked it. "Bitch is a klepto." Moving further in, I picked up another gun and checked it too. "Come on." They were both good. Now armed, I felt a little safer to call out. "Danny. Danny."

The sound of Danny trying to yell or scream caught my attention.

"Danny?" Following the noise, I ended up finding a small gap in a wall.

Shining my light through, I saw Danny bound and gagged, sitting in the dirt. Using my knife, I reached through to cut the ropes around his feet and wrists, setting him free so he could crawl through the hole to me.

"Your dad's upstairs," I told him as we started for the shaft again. "Come on. Watch your head, watch your head."

"Hurry, he's coming back."

I paused. "He?"

"Her brother."

Suddenly a yell came out of nowhere before I was tackled to the floor.

EPOV

Looking into the shaft, I saw Danny come into view. Turning, without a word, I grabbed the makeshift rope Brian and Sam had made out of curtains, and dropped it down the hole. "Danny! Grab on!"

He did as I said, tying the rope around him and gripping onto it tightly. "Okay!"

Once he was ready, I yelled to the others. "Pull!"

Working together, Sam, Brian and I pulled Danny up carefully. I was closest to the gap, grabbing him the moment I could as I helped him out and onto his feet.

Now safe, he ran to his dad, who held him protectively. "Come on. You okay? It's okay."

"Get him out of here," Sam told them. "You gotta go."

I didn't watch to see what they were doing, the moment Danny was out I'd already started to climb into the hole and down the shaft, heading for the basement.

"Lizzie? What are you doing?" Sam moved to try and stop me.

"Dean needs help," was all I said before I moved away from his grasp and started down the shaft.

As I landed on the ground, I listened to the sound of a fight and struggles. Following the noises, I found Dean under a guy who looked just as bad as the girl. It didn't take a genius to figure out he must be her brother.

But I didn't care who he was. He was on top of Dean, attacking him. Dean was in danger. He couldn't see, and I wasn't sure if he even had a weapon to protect himself with. Then to top it off, the boy pulled out a knife, lifting it above his head to bring it down on Dean.

"No!"

Lifting my hand, I threw the boy up and away from Dean, not really thinking about what I was doing. At the same time, Dean sat up and aimed the gun he had, pointing it towards the boy before shooting him in the chest three times.

As the body slumped to the ground, blood oozing from the wounds, I hurried over to Dean, falling to my knees beside him. I checked him over worriedly, making sure he was okay, that he wasn’t hurt. My wide eyes took every inch of him, panicked and concerned.

“Liz.” He rested his hand on mine, stopping me. “I’m okay.”

Slowly, I looked up, meeting his gaze. Then I was throwing my arms around him in a tight and desperately relieved hug.

It took a moment, but after a pause I felt him relax as his own arms wrapped around me, returning the hug.

DPOV

Turns out, while the brother had been attacking me, the girl had gone after Susan and Kate. But Brian had dealt with her... and by dealt with, I mean he'd killed her.

It was morning now, and time to get out of there. I was just finishing fixing Baby while Sam and Liz put all the guns and our supplies back in the trunk. As soon as I finished they came over to stand with me, the three of us turning to see Susan and Brian headed our way.

I gave them a nod. "Thanks for the head start."

Brian looked to each of us. "Why doesn't it surprise me you three don't like the police?"

Sam chuckled lightly. "It's sort of a mutual-appreciation thing, really."

Reaching forward, Brian offered me his hand, which I took. "Well, thank you."

Susan nodded. "Thank you."

"You okay?" I asked her.

She looked to her husband before shaking her head. "No, we're the opposite of okay, but we're together," she answered honestly as she slipped her hand into Brian's. "Thanks."

...

Parked under an overpass, Sam, Liz and I got out of Baby and moved to the hood as Sam passed around some burgers. Leaning against Baby, I unwrapped my food and gave it a smell before wrapping it back up and setting it down next to me.

"You okay?" Sam asked me as Liz paused, halfway through a bite.

"You know, I felt for those sons of bitches back there. Lifelong torture turns you into something like that."

"You were in Hell, Dean," Sam started. "Look, maybe you did what you did there, but you're not them. They were barely human."

I nodded. "Yeah, you're right. I wasn't like them. I was worse. They were animals, Sam, defending territory. Me? I did it for the sheer pleasure."

Liz swallowed her food, her eyes wide. "Dean..."

"I enjoyed it. They took me off the rack, and I tortured souls, and I liked it." I looked away from them as I went on. "All those years, all that pain. Finally getting to deal some out yourself. I didn't care who they put in front of me. Because that pain I felt, it just slipped away. No matter how many people I save, I can't change that. I can't fill this hole. Not ever."

Bamby