#I feel more connected to the Internet when it's a space I can actually customize to show information in the Order And Pizazz I Desire

[shrineofdolls]

I don't want to be on twitter cus Elon but the art there is so good ughnhhhh

[accidentally-in-fictional-love]

Maybe I’m Not Scared of What You’re Thinking Of - Simon Lynch/Reader

Prompt: Don't you know what you mean to me?

Warnings: Gender-neutral reader, no use of Y/N, friends to lovers, slow burn, growing friendship, angst, hurt/comfort, brief canon-related mention of violence, kissing, fully clothed grinding, kindness and praise makes Simon cry ;w;

Wordcount: 14270

Summary: It's a complete coincidence that you meet him, and even though he's a little weird and there's an anger in him fueled by pain, you know that you might be all he needs to be defused.

Notes: It's Simon's turn! I have a lot of feelings about Simon!! As soon as I saw his episode my heart went out to him a lot, he's so me-coded (aside from y'know the homicide lmao) and he really only needed someone to believe in him, so here's a whole ton of words about you doing just that QwQ I've also decided that this will be his own continued world like I did with Joshua, so any future stuff will take place during or after this~

You really regret accepting this blind date after the 30th straight minute comes and goes, your date still talking about himself on his side of the table.

He came highly recommended from your mother, the son of a friend of a friend of a co-worker, and it’s clear she did no actual research on him since you have nothing in common. You just keep smiling and sipping at your drink of choice, his words falling on deathly bored ears as he keeps trying to pitch his business to you, something about a private server for paying customers to get his advice or some dumb shit you haven’t seen a million times before. Sometimes you wished you’d been born in the past when things were simpler, because any idiot with a podcast and access to the internet always came to the same conclusion that they could be the Next Great Thing, and this guy definitely does not have what it takes.

He’s about to write down his contact info so you can check out his server right now, right in the middle of your date, his food cold in front of him as he just keeps choosing to talk instead of eat, and you just stare at him tearing off the paper to hand to you as you pray your souring expression isn’t giving you away too much. ‘Uh, sorry, I don’t have Facsimile,’ you lie as he holds it out to you, but it doesn’t dissuade him as he then says it’s super easy to sign up, he’ll help you. ‘No, I mean I’m not one for all these chatting apps, I prefer some good, old fashioned talking,’ you continue, another lie although not quite as much, for while you do prefer talking face to face, hence the date, you had so many chat apps on your phone to keep in contact with everyone that they had their own page on your home screen.

‘It’ll be worth it, trust me, I already have a bunch of guys giving their own presentations on my server, I’ll even give you a free week’s trial to check everything out, whattaya say?’ he asks, clearly more interested in expanding his brand than making any sort of actual connection with you, and this time you let your face scrunch up in pained awkwardness.

‘Yeah, it’s gunna have to be a no, sorry,’ you cringe, and his smile slowly falls as he crumples up the paper and stuffs it inside his expensive name brand jacket, obviously bought to show off to everyone how ‘successful’ he was.

‘Fine, no it’s fine, I just thought you were smarter than that,’ he grumbles just on the border of passive aggressively, your eyebrows rising as your opinion of him somehow manages to drop even lower. ‘You figure you give someone a chance to get in on the ground floor of something because you think you’re vibing, but I guess it was just me.’

‘Uh…’

‘How is everything?’ The small voice draws your attention from him as you look up to your savior, your eyes just going higher as the person towers over you, even when he’s hunched over a bit to take up as little space as possible as his co-workers pass by him to get to the other tables. Your mouth falls open a little bit as your eyes meet, long bangs just barely swept to the side to reveal dark brown irises that almost appear black focusing only on you as he ignores your date, and you forget to answer as the man across from you answers for you.

‘We’re doing great, just fantastic, thanks buddy,’ he growls, now eating his food as quickly as he can so he can get away from you. ‘If you could hurry up and grab the checks though that would be even better.’

‘Is there anything else you’d like? More water, or a refill?’ He completely ignores the other man as he focuses on you, which pisses him off even more, and you join in on that as you smile politely up at him.

‘Everything’s perfect, although I could go for a refill, thank you,’ you tell him, and he gives you a nod without once acknowledging your date, who’s already gotten out his wallet and is looking up the prices of the bar on his phone; he pulls out enough to cover the meal but passes over his beer and the tax, because that’s too much work to calculate it even with his phone in hand, and he gets up and sarcastically wishes you a nice life as he bails, the silence a nice change as you continue eating alone. Your server returns a short while later with a new glass and the checks, and when he sees the money left behind he puts two and two together.

‘I take it I’m not getting a tip from him,’ he figures, and you laugh into your glass, almost spilling the liquid all over the table as you try not to choke.

‘I doubt you would’ve anyway, he was a prick,’ you admit, which makes him smile, and you decide his smile is actually quite nice as he starts clearing the other half of the table. ‘Hey, uh, would you wanna sit with me? Just for a little, it’s kinda embarrassing to eat alone after that disaster.’

He glances at the freshly vacant seat before looking around, and he leans over to lower his voice, his eyes on the table as he speaks. ‘I should really get back to work,’ he whispers, but you gesture in front of you in a welcoming manner, and he follows your hands before sitting and hiding his apron behind his arms, the nametag of Simon just barely peeking out before it’s covered up.

You flash him another smile before getting back to your lunch, it’s amazing how listening to someone that incredibly annoying can really kill the appetite in the moment, and he tries not to watch you as he makes sure he’s not about to get in trouble. You finish off your first glass and start on the second since you did ask him for it, even if it was an excuse to ignore your date initially, and you catch the way his eyes watch your exposed throat as you tilt your head back; unlike the other person sitting there previously you don’t feel objectified, or like you were a piece of meat to devour after the sell was over. It’s refreshing, and you offer him your plate in case he might want something to eat before his break, but he refuses, of course he would.

He keeps his eye on his watch but never gets up, and as you pop a fry into your mouth you can’t help but want to talk to him as he meets your eye and looks away immediately after for the third time in a row. ‘You work here long?’ you ask to start, and it’s a lame start, but just the fact that you wanna hear about him has him leaning forward in his seat before he controls himself, sits back again.

‘Just a few years, this is actually my second job, I mainly work with Data Waste,’ he tells you, his voice getting away from him for a moment before he lowers it again; it’s obvious that no one asks about him often, just this small amount of attention enough to make his face light up in a way you don't see often anymore, at least not when you talk about work related things.

‘So, you waste all the data?’ you joke, and he leans in again, the plate pushed aside as he fights to keep his voice under control.

‘No, it’s really interesting actually, I get access to all the trashed data in the city, sift through it to find anything incriminating or important, things that were lost or gotten rid of, delete anything useless; my co-workers think it’s pretty boring, but you can’t imagine the things I’ve seen on some people.’ He stops, realizing he’s about to violate his NDA, and you chuckle as he looks around again like he expects his boss from his other job to suddenly appear and fire him.

‘Sounds exciting, you ever see anything on me?’ you can’t help but ask as you lean in as well, and there’s a slight dusting of pink on his cheeks as he sits back again.

‘I dunno, I’d need to look up your name,’ he answers honestly, and you smirk at his reply.

‘Pretty smooth way to ask for it,’ you tell him, and when he stutters out that he wasn’t you just laugh and grab the check so you can see your total. You pull out your card so you can pay, and you’re in the middle of reaching for your ex-date’s check as well so you can cover the rest when he stops you.

‘I’ve got it, you don’t have to deal with trash like him, that’s my job,’ he jokes back, and when he hands you his card reader you make sure to leave a large tip from the both of you. You hand it back and his eyes go wide, he can’t accept this, but you just flash him your most charming smile and hand him one of your business cards from your wallet, something you printed up years ago but rarely got to hand out since most people used electronic cards nowadays.

‘It’s for making me laugh, today would’ve been pretty shitty otherwise,’ you admit as you stand, and when he stands with you you can see that he really is tall. 

‘Okay, well… if I find anything I’ll give you a call, then? Just so you know what people are deleting about you on the internet,’ he offers, and you hold out your hand to shake his as your expressions softens.

‘I’d like that.’

It’s been a week and a half since your lunch date gone wrong but also surprisingly gone right again, and you’re at home working on a project when an unknown number lights up your phone. You frown at it before clicking into the chat and seeing a bunch of strange messages before the stranger clears things up.

ur sqky clean no trash on u sry it took so long was busy this is simon sry from the bar from last week sry

You smile fondly as you type in a quick reply, your phone lighting up again as he answers fast, he must’ve been waiting with baited breath on the other side. You add his number to your phone and answer back, another quick reply getting you to decide to take a snack break as you bring your phone to the kitchen. The more you chat the more he sees that he doesn’t have to use shorthand, his words lengthening and becoming more proper until you’re wondering if maybe he’s trying to find the perfect mix that won’t annoy you. Eventually he settles on a mix like you do, and you get comfy on the couch with your snack as you turn on the TV and find something to watch.

It’s hard to find things sometimes, you’ve had this older model for years and it isn’t compatible with every streaming platform’s updates anymore, which you think is dumb, but the thing works and you don’t wanna shell out money just to be able to watch whatever new reality show everyone’s talking about as it airs. You stick to your playlist of favourite movies and shows again, settling on one you’ve already seen a million times so you can chat without needing to pay attention.

After a half hour you add each other to Facsimile so you can chat more openly without wasting data, his username of 4LM0ST-HUM4N making you snicker as you check out his profile, but it’s bare apart from his age, which is around yours, and his full name, his last name being Lynch. You can’t help but look him up since you already knew he’d done the same to you, and all you can find is a dating profile on a site you’d heard about but never used.

‘“Shy and looking,”’ you say out loud to yourself as you read his info, and you sink a little further into the cushions as his unfortunately off-putting but also undeniable cute profile picture stares you directly in the eye; you can tell he took it alone, he’s all washed out in the glow of his computer instead of from the room’s overhead or any natural light, and you almost want to call him out on it and help him try again, maybe he might get some matches that way.

You don’t mention the profile as you keep chatting, and before you know it the next movie is autoplaying, your battery low with how long you’ve been on your phone. You figure it’s about time you get back to work as you tell him about the situation, and he agrees, he’s also been putting off work, and you wish him a good night, adding in, ‘That data’s not gunna waste itself.’ He sends you a bunch of laughing emojis before changing his mind and editing the message so there’s only one, to which you give him one back, and he starts typing something else but stops. You wait but he never starts up again so you leave it be, your phone charging out of reach as you get back to work.

Now that you’ve been reminded that he exists and you find his company quite pleasant, you take a ride to the bar on your lunch break the next day, keeping your eye out as casually as you can until you see him clearing a table nearby. You wait until he’s done before waving at him to get his attention, and his smile is so big that it makes him self-conscious as a group of people pass him by, it faltering as he gets out of their way. He takes his dishes to the kitchen and quickly returns to take your order, and even though you’re sitting at a table and a menu is in your hands, you surprise him when you ask him when his break is instead of telling him what you want to eat.

‘My break?’ he repeats back to you, like he doesn’t understand the question.

‘I just figured you might want to eat somewhere you don’t work,’ you simply say, and he glances at his watch to check the time.

‘I get off in 15, but we can eat here, I don’t wanna take up your break by traveling,’ he offers, but you just shake your head and set the menu down.

‘I work from home, I can take as long as I want,’ you tell him, and it’s not exactly a lie since you do have some things to for sure finish today, but losing an extra hour to hang out with your new friend seems like a pretty good tradeoff honestly. He accepts your answer and goes back to work with a shy grin, and you patiently wait at your table until he returns, a brown hoodie slung over his arm and his apron left behind. 

You get up and follow him out to the street where he gets ready to hail a cab, and thanks to your convo from last night you already knew he didn’t drive, but you don’t want him to waste any money when your car was in the parking lot. You direct him to it, and in your head you can hear your mother warning you about letting strangers into your vehicle, but apart from being a little weird he has yet to give you any red flags or warning signs, so you unlock the door and hop in.

‘There’s this place downtown that’s pretty good,’ he says as soon as he sits down, and you try not to giggle when you see how his long legs don’t really fit in the space as he tries to find the seat adjust nonchalantly. ‘They mostly do burgers, but their menu is loaded with stuff, you just need to know what to ask for.’

‘I take it you know?’

He glances at you, his hand stilling momentarily as it's wedged between the door and his seat, and when he does find the button he lets out a noise of surprise as his chair suddenly shifts backwards. ‘Yeah, yeah I go there a bunch, I think I’ve tried almost everything so far.’

‘Why not get a job there instead of here if you like it so much?’ you ask as you start the engine, and he looks down at his lap in response.

‘Cause I- I actually didn’t apply to be a waiter,’ he mumbles, your head turning towards him as you pull out onto the road.

‘Did you wanna work in the kitchen or something?’

‘I wanted to be a bartender, actually, but they needed a server, so that’s what I landed on,’ he explains, and when you go to ask for the name of the place he just directs you down the street, ignoring the GPS entirely. ‘It’s actually been a little dream of mine to open my own place, but starting a business is expensive, and saving up is a little hard even with two jobs, city living isn’t cheap.’

‘You could try for a loan?’ you suggest, but he just shakes his head.

‘I dunno… going that far would make it real, y’know? I don’t think I’m ready for it yet.’ He points to the left as he speaks so you hit your blinker and turn, this is a part of town you’ve never been to before.

‘You could always try, and if it doesn’t work out then I’ll keep cheering you on until it does.’ He’s looking at you like your words are about to make him cry, and he’s so preoccupied with you that he nearly misses the restaurant, your brakes screeching down the thankfully empty road as you back up and turn into the parking lot. You’ve never even heard of this place but the lot is almost full, and you manage to find a spot before he’s getting out and waiting for you, the chill of the fresh, spring air making you both shiver and hurry inside.

The place is warm and cozy, the smell of food instantly making you hungry even though you were feeling pretty okay just moments ago, and he smiles at you before you seat yourself and wait to be served. A large menu is placed in front of you and he was right, it is mostly burgers first and foremost, but as you turn the pages and see everything else available you feel your mouth water. You look up to ask what he recommends just in time to see his eyes disappear over the top of his own menu, and you grin and decide you can’t beat the house special, which is a double bacon burger with everything on it. He orders the same as soon as you tell the waitress, a big plate of loaded fries to split as well as onion rings added as well, and when you’re left alone again you rest your elbows on the table and get his attention.

‘How long have you been coming here? I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone talk about it before,’ you admit, and again his eyes shine when you ask about him.

‘Most of my life, I used to live around here when I was younger so this was our go-to place when we wanted to eat out,’ he explains lively, and he looks around and gestures towards the decor. ‘It was different back then, they did a rebranding back in the early 2030s, changed the name and everything, but I still call it by its old name whenever I recommend it.’

‘What was the old name?’

‘The Hotel.’

You laugh, your hand covering your mouth as you try to keep it down. ‘I bet that might’ve caused some confusion,’ you chuckle, and he nods.

‘Oh yeah, I always have to correct myself,’ he agrees with his own laugh, the two of you still going even as your drinks are dropped off. You sip at yours, taking in everything and wondering what the place looked like back then when he stretches out and accidentally bumps your knee with his own; he quickly says sorry as he tries to retreat back to his side of the table, but you tell him it’s okay, and your reassurance makes him balk, like he’s been told off too many times for similar occurrences.

‘So, tell me, why do you wanna open your own bar?’ you quickly ask before he can shut himself off from you, his shyness returning and looking more like anxiety as he clearly gets in his own head about something so small.

‘Well, it’s just something I’ve always wanted to do, like I love the atmosphere, everyone coming together for a little while to share the space and a few drinks, it’s a good place to forget about your troubles for a bit.’ His eyes are on the table as he fiddles with the brown paper covering, your glasses creating dark rings where they’re set down on it.

‘You can say that about a lot of places,’ you add, and he agrees, but his eyes meet yours as he tries to get you to understand.

‘I know but there’s just something special about it, if your customers come there enough it can become familial, you can make bonds with people, offer them an ear when they’re sad, share in their laughter when they’re happy… I guess I’ve just always wanted to be a part of something like that.’ He looks back down again, the paper tearing and making him stop, now picking at his nails instead.

‘It sounds like you wanna connect with people, you don’t need a bar to do that,’ you say softly, carefully in case he might take offense to it, but he doesn’t, just shrugs.

‘I know, but… I still think it would be fun.’ His eyes meet yours again, and there’s something behind them as you look between them, something lonely that you haven’t seen in them before. You wonder then how long it’s been since he’s been here with someone, if his family still met up with him here, but based on his eyes you think you know the answer.

‘Well, if you do ever open that bar, then I expect free drinks for life as your first customer,’ you tease as you hold up your glass for a promising toast, and your faith in him makes his eyes look a little less lonely as he raises his own and taps the rims together. You drink as your waitress comes back with your food then, and it looks even better than the picture as you grab on tight and take a big bite. It’s the biggest burger you’ve ever eaten but it might also be the tastiest, the toppings sliding against your palms as you try to hold it all together, and you can see him having just as much trouble with his own. You laugh again and take another bite, your conversation moving onto more cheerful things as you eat, from family stories to complaints about work, bad dates to how your week was going, your overbearing but well-meaning mother to his absent father, but he isn’t as upset about it as he used to be as you sit with him and listen, he confesses. 

You douse your half of the fries in ketchup as he dips his own in ranch, and he has more onion rings than you do before you realize it, and when your plates are empty and your glasses hold nothing but melting ice you finally look at your phone and realize you’ve been there for over an hour. ‘Shit, I need to get back,’ he panics as he stands, and you wave over your waitress as you both get out your wallets.

‘Hey, I got you covered, can you go start my car?’ you tell him as he searches for the card he wants to use, but he can’t accept that, even more so than the tip from last week. ‘I insist, this was a much better date than my last one,’ you say with a wink, and he fumbles his next words as you toss him your keys. He rushes out with flushed cheeks, and you instantly let your emotions show on your face as you mentally ask yourself why the hell you actually said that as you pay.

You run out as soon as you’re done and speed off back to the bar, the car quiet until you say your goodbyes, and you watch him go until he disappears through the double doors with a small wave.

It becomes a bit of a thing for you two as you meet up for lunch every Friday after that, with you trying something new at his recommendation each time, and after around 7 weeks of this he flashes you the biggest smile as you sit down at your usual table, Simon already seated and waiting. ‘What?’ you ask, his smile spreading to you, and he holds out his phone to show that he had an appointment with the bank on Monday. ‘Oh my god, are you-?’

‘I’m doing it.’ He’s practically bouncing in his seat, only stopping when he bangs his knee off the metal support and makes the table shake, his excitement so strong that you could probably start bouncing as well if you were to be completely honest with yourself.

‘That’s amazing! Do you need a ride? We can go together, it’s after your shift is done, right? Or should I pick you up at your place?’

‘I-’ His smile falters a bit but he pushes it aside, and it feels a little forced as it returns. ‘I’ve got a ride covered, but thank you. Maybe we can meet up at the bank when it’s over? I can text you, if you’d like.’

‘I’d love that, I’ll be sure to work extra hard so we can celebrate the night away.’

Everything goes quiet as you realize what you’ve said, since while you have been texting almost daily you still have yet to hang out outside of your lunch dates; you’re not even really sure if they could even be called that seeing as, apart from you calling the first time that as a joke, neither of you actually confirmed there was anything more than friendship going on between you. Still, you both take it seriously as your usual waitress approaches to take your orders, and neither of you bring it back up again after she leaves.

‘I’m really proud of you, Simon, this is a big step you’re taking,’ you do say to break the silence, and when he looks at you you can swear he’s about to cry again; it actually hurts in a physical way whenever you see that, and you curse whoever beat him down enough to have this be his default reaction whenever you give him any kind of compliment or praise.

‘I don’t think I could’ve done it if you hadn’t cheered me on, might’ve found more excuses to put it off.’ He looks so vulnerable in this moment, his hands clasped on the table in front of him, and you glance down at them and nearly reach out to grab one when he continues. ‘Actually, because of you, I kinda started paying attention to my old LoveMatch account, turns out I got some messages when I was offline.’

Your smile freezes on your face as you unexpectedly go cold, your reaction to his words catching you off guard as talking becomes hard. ‘That’s… that’s wonderful news, anyone catch your eye?’ you finally ask, and he goes pink as he shakes his head.

‘Not yet, I didn’t get many but I still wanna check them all out, see if maybe my soulmate is one of them. Wait, that’s kinda desperate, isn’t it? I don’t actually think my soulmate is on some random dating site but… it’s nice to imagine, right? It’s like you said, I- I just wanna connect with someone.’ He’s looking only at his phone as he talks, scrolling through the unopened messages still waiting for him, and it feels like you’re watching the conversation from afar as your ears start ringing, your hands shaking as you try to figure out why you’re feeling this way.

He’s cute, you can’t deny that, and you enjoy his company a lot, but you haven’t thought about an actual relationship with him until this moment, when it was made apparent to you that that wasn’t what he wanted. And now that he was considering someone else, picturing a life with someone else, you know that you wanted to be with him, not in a casual, Friday lunch date and daily chats kind of way, but in the way where you’d visit him on his off hours or you’d bring him to your place, where you could have a nice dinner, watch movies together, no more table between you as you curl up against him or have him lean against you. You could hold his hand, and he could tell you about how his day at the bar, his bar, went and about all the new people he met, and when he was done you could cup that enticingly strong jaw of his and angle his face up to yours.

‘Are you okay?’

You blink and your vision blurs, and you quickly sniff and search your pockets for your travel-sized bottle of emergency ibuprofen. ‘Yeah, yeah I’m good, allergies are just acting up again, gunna go blow my nose and take my meds real quick before this gets gross,’ you lie with a fake smile, making sure he can’t see the label before you run off, and he buys it completely before going back to his messages. You don’t let your facade crack until you’re safe in the bathroom, the weight of how much you had fallen for him without realizing making your knees buckle, and you lock yourself in one of the stalls as you desperately try to push down the fact that he would never feel the same.

You’d managed to keep it together as you finished your lunch get together - not date, never date - but you spend the rest of the weekend moping around your apartment after that, your eyes on your phone as you lay on the couch and watch some old favourites to cheer yourself up, but each time he leaves you a message you feel your heart ache and it always takes a while before you can answer back. You give him the excuse of being a bit behind on work so you can’t chat much, and he was fine with that because he was gathering up the courage to message a couple people back, see if there were any sparks, and you have to ignore your phone entirely as you bury your head in the couch pillow and yell.

Before you know it you’re waking up where you’d fallen asleep, the TV going through the night and the sunlight streaming through the wall of windows to the right of your couch, the brightness rousing you from your restless dreams. You reach limply for your phone but the battery died during the night, and you groan and stumble over to your desk so you can charge it. As soon as it comes back to life you see that it’s much later than you thought thanks to your alarm never going off, and you find a bunch of messages waiting for you.

‘Shit! Shitshitshit!’ you swear when you see that Simon had asked you to wish him luck before his meeting, and you’re already a half hour late to reply but you do anyway as you fully push aside all your feelings to wish him all the luck you possibly can. He doesn’t answer back, because he’s obviously in the meeting, and you end up too nervous about it to eat as you let your phone charge. Instead you skip straight to getting ready for the day, having a quick but much needed shower after your weekend-long mope session. As you dry your hair you then find something nice to wear that you secretly hope he might like, some part of you overcoming the misery to hope that if he’s ready enough for a relationship to use LoveMatch again then maybe you could have a chance, and that hope fuels you as you race back to your phone to see if he’s done yet.

you dont need to pick me up taking a cab home see you friday

Your hand reaches up to cover your mouth as dread fills you then, and you quickly call him, unplugging your phone so you can sit down. ‘Simon, where are you?’ you ask the moment he picks up, and all you hear is the sound of traffic before a small sniff is picked up by his phone’s mic.

‘Don’t come, I just wanna get home right now,’ he tries to tell you, but your body is moving when you hear his small voice, how broken he sounds, your keys in your hand and a pair of flipflops that definitely aren’t weather appropriate yet on your feet so you can be out the door faster.

‘Are you still at the bank? Which one is it, I’m heading out right now.’

‘Please…’

‘I’m already in my car, where am I going?’

The resulting silence to your insistence stretches on for so long that you’re about to just try every bank in town until you find him when he gives you the address, and you know the one exactly as you speed off towards it. You arrive about ten minutes later, and you’re scanning the area when you see him huddling from the wind in the alley, his hood up and people giving him cautious glances as they pass. You roll down your window and call out to him, and when he finds you through the gap you can’t help but let out a noise of pain when you see his face; he’s been crying, you hadn’t been able to see because of his hood, but now you can see that his cheeks are damp and his eyes are red, and you hurriedly unlock the passenger door and motion for him to come over.

He hesitates a moment before wiping his cheeks and jogging over, people bumping into him with how busy the street is, but he doesn’t do or say anything even as he gets a couple insults along the way. He opens the door, sits down, and as soon as you ask where he wants to go he hides his face in his hand and starts crying again. You reach out to touch his shoulder but he pulls away, he needs space, and you don’t try again as you drive back to your place.

‘I don’t know why I thought I could do this…’ he mutters to himself as you drive, and the lump in your own throat is so thick that it hurts as you try to swallow it down. You pull back into your parking lot and he finally notices that he doesn’t know this place, and you don’t shut off the engine as you turn back towards him.

‘You don’t have to tell me about it, but I’d like it if you came up with me, please,’ is all you say, and another tear rolls down his cheek before he’s nodding, following you to the front doors. Your place is pretty high up but the elevator ride isn’t awkward as he stuffs himself into the corner opposite of you, where you can’t see him as easily. You reach your floor before you know it so you lead the way to your apartment, and when the door opens and you set your keys back down on the small shelf nearby he takes everything in with an even sadder expression, which isn’t the way you were hoping it would go at all.

‘You- you have a nice home,’ he just says, and before you can thank him he’s already turning back for the door. ‘I shouldn’t have come up, I’m sorry, you shouldn’t talk to me anymore, I’ll leave you alone now-’

‘Whoa, wait, where did this come from?’ you need to know as you stand in front of the door, and he goes to move you aside before pulling back, he doesn’t even want to touch you. ‘Simon, I know I said you didn’t have to talk about it but- what happened in there? Why can’t I talk to you anymore?’

‘Because I’m-’ He flinches away from you as his voice rises, frustration apparent among the sadness, and he leans against the wall with a dull thud. ‘I was accepted into the police academy a few years back, before I got my job at the bar; I was training to be on the bomb squad, I thought my knack for technology could help save lives, and I practiced really hard, learned to disarm nonlethal devices I built myself to show them I could do it, that I could be useful to them.

‘But when they learned I’d been building things they thought I was doing it for the wrong reasons even though there was no danger to them, like I was going to learn how to build actual bombs next using the training I received; I was just learning how to cut the power without setting anything off, I was using fucking coloured lights to do it, there were no explosives on my devices at all! But it was enough to make them think I was a danger to everyone, and they forced me to take a psych exam which I then failed by their standards. I was kicked out of the academy, lost my job when the psych eval was sent to them the following week, even lost my apartment when my landlord got word of everything, this one mistake got me evicted in the middle of winter-!

‘And the guy I talked to today heard about it too, read about all of it when they researched me to see if I was deserving of it, do you know what I heard him say to his supervisor when he thought I was out of earshot? He- he called me “unstable,” and fucking “unqualified” when I told him how much I make a year, like he didn’t trust me to pay it back, like I was a failure before the bar even opened, and maybe he’s right, maybe I am a failure, I shouldn’t have tried, I shouldn’t have fucking tried-!’

He spins and punches the wall he was just leaning against and you tense up, your eyes shutting on instinct at the crash of his knuckles through the drywall; it’s the first time you’ve seen him angry like this and it scares you, but as he pulls his hand back and looks at his bloodied knuckles you feel no fear, just sadness.

‘I’m sorry, shit, I’m so sorry,’ he apologizes under his breath, hissing as he flexes his fingers, his hand shaking from the pain, and it would be so easy to end it all right there, kick him out too and never see him again after what he’s just told you, just done, but you can’t as you take him gently by the arm and lead him to your couch. You sit him down and go off to find your first aid kit, some big and overly full thing your mother made you buy when you first moved to the city, and you’re thankful for it now as you pull out the unsealed bottle of healing spray and spritz it against his torn skin a couple times.

For once you love the future as he heals, and while he’s fine now you can’t help but take out the gauze and wrap the area next just to make sure, your fingers resting over the fabric and the back of his hand as you hold him in place. ‘You’re not a failure,’ you murmur, and he tries to pull away again but you don’t let him. ‘What happened to you… it really, really fucking sucks, and none of it was fair, but… it doesn’t make you a failure, we can just try again until we find someone who can help you get that loan.’

‘I don’t even want it, not after today.’ There’s not a single trace of a lie in his words, he’s giving up, and you want so badly to hold him but you can’t. ‘It’ll just happen again, this black mark on my life will just keep following me, why even try?’

‘Because it’s your dream, remember? You told me you wanted to connect with people, no one should be able to take that from you.’ You’re moving closer to him, slotting yourself between his legs as your knees hit the bottom of the couch, he can’t run from you like this, but it’s like you’re invisible to him in his misery.

‘But they already did.’

You let go of his hand and get up, throwing your arms around his neck in a tight hug, and he lets out a sound somewhere between surprise and relief as he’s pressed into the couch; you’re practically in his lap like this, and you try to shift until you’re beside him instead, but your arms never leave him as you back up, your frown so deep it’s starting to make your head hurt. ‘They only will when you stop fighting for it, you haven’t lost it yet,’ you tell him in a hushed whisper, and something in him breaks as he crumbles into your hug, his head on your shoulder as he grips the back of your shirt as hard as he can, like he’s drowning at sea and you’re the only thing keeping him afloat.

You pet his hair comfortingly as he keeps talking into your shoulder about how it went, how he felt so worthless when he was rejected, how he tried to explain himself but it was all shut down, the man hadn’t even wanted to hear it because he’d heard enough, how he was so upset and hurt and angry that he was afraid of himself and what he’d do, and you just comfort him as he lets it all out. It takes a while but you never rush him, or interrupt him as he vents, you just keep holding him until he’s ready to let you go. You separate, and his eyes are so red as they avoid looking at you, but you just brush his bangs to the side before getting up and grabbing the tissues.

You hand him the box, and the smile he gives you isn’t as sad as he grabs a few, the lump in your throat easing up a bit at the sight. ‘I know you probably aren’t in the mood to celebrate, but if you just wanna grab some food and watch a movie anyway I could order something, or make something here? I think the Hotel might deliver this far, lemme see if it’s on Dumbwaiter.’ You’re already on your phone to check but he’s standing, his used tissues bunched in his hand as he looks for your garbage bin, his eyes on the ground again.

‘I’m not very hungry, thank you but I think I just wanna head home,’ he says after throwing them away, and your hand lowers as you take a step towards him, standing between him and the door again.

‘Please.’ You don’t mean for it to come out but it does, this is about him, not you, you have no right to ask him to stay when he needs space, but you can’t leave him like this, not now. Finally he meets your eye, and you can see that he wants to stay as badly as you want him to, and he opens his mouth to say something before he closes the gap, stands next to you and looks down at your phone. He taps your screen back to life and scrolls before he finds the Hotel’s real name in the list of places on Dumbwaiter’s delivery partnership, and he gives the name another tap before giving you the smallest smile, and it’s genuine and even less sad as his shoulder presses into yours.

‘Order the pasta today, all of their sauces are rich and they always serve too much, and get us the goat cheese spinach dip, it’s to die for,’ he says, his voice still wavering a bit after all his crying, and you just nod before adding it all to your cart, Simon taking off his shoes so he can get comfy on your couch properly this time. You pay for the meal and join him, offering him the remote but he has nothing he wants to watch, so you go to your favourites and pick the stupidest, funniest comedy you can find, needing something silly to lift the mood, and as the food is delivered and you both laugh with full mouths that almost get you to choke you end up wishing you could have this forever, that you could move to his side and hold him again.

You don’t, your phones on the coffee table along with your plates, the space between you feeling so much wider than it actually was as he stays with you until the sun sets.

Now that he’s been to your place your friendship only grows, your meetups changing from Friday lunches to properly hanging out, and it isn’t often he gets free time between his two jobs, but most nights of his are free and you’re always ready to drop whatever you can to see him when he asks. Because of your eagerness you’re slowly becoming a pro at keeping up with your own work, the need to procrastinate fading away like never before since being caught up meant you could go to him wherever he waited. You met him at both jobs, at the Hotel - which he got you to start saying as well since he never called it by its real name - and at the park, sometimes at the mall if there was something he needed to get and he wanted some company, but you’ve still never seen his place, and you’re starting to wonder where he lived.

You know it’s in town, since he got to and from work via Brougham and being outside of town would be hell on his paychecks, but you have no idea which part other than the fact that he used to live near the Hotel when he was a kid. You’ve tried asking before, but each time you do he just brushes it off, makes some excuse to why you couldn’t pick him up or drop him off there, and you’re starting to get a bit suspicious if you were entirely honest. You know he’s not homeless, he’s told you before how it took him a bit but he did manage to find someplace permanent and all his after his eviction, but this is getting ridiculous you think when he comes up with yet another excuse as to why you can drop him off on this random street you’re driving down, he lives nearby, he can walk the rest of the way.

‘Simon, you’ve got six bags of groceries in the back seat, it is literally impossible for you to walk home with them all,’ you say firmly as he just keeps looking out the window, and his lips purse as he tries something else.

‘It isn’t far and they’re not that heavy, I can do three per hand,’ he insists, and you step on the brakes in the middle of the road, no one coming or going as he jerks forwards in his seat at the inertia.

‘Why don’t you want me to see your place?’ you ask bluntly, no longer holding back, and he gets defensive, he’s more open with his anger around you now, but he hasn’t gotten as upset since that day, and you know it’s because he doesn’t want to lose control again, doesn’t want to scare you or himself like that again.

‘I never said I didn’t.’

‘You don’t need to; is it bad neighbours, or a bad neighbourhood? I don’t care where you live, or what your place looks like, I swear I don’t, so you don’t have to keep me away,’ you tell him honestly, and for a moment you think he might tell you when he unlocks his door and heads to the back. You just sigh as he gathers everything up in both hands and thanks you for the ride, but it really is close, you don’t have to waste gas going the rest of the day, he’ll see you Friday.

‘And… you don’t wanna know where I live,’ he mutters mostly to himself before the door closes, and he’s clearly weighed down by everything but he sticks with it, and you watch him just keep going further and further down the street until you have no choice but to take a U-turn and head home, and he’s still in your rearview as you hit a right and he’s forced to disappear around the corner behind you.

It’s a little awkward for you both after that, so you don’t bring it up again to make sure things even out, and it seems to help as you keep meeting up everywhere but his place, wherever the hell it is. He’s been to yours enough times now that you almost consider giving him a spare key so he can invite himself over, but it feels too personal for friends, and when you joke about it to test the waters he nearly spits out his drink in surprise. You clarify that it’s a joke as he sputters out that he’s never had someone’s spare key before, he’s never known anyone long enough for that.

‘You’ve known me for quite a few months now, maybe it might come in handle to have a spare out there in case of emergencies,’ you say next, instantly backtracking on the joke aspect of it with a little hope, and despite you initially calling it so he also looks a little hopeful at the possibility before his phone pings loudly. The moment is ruined as he stops your post-lunch walk through the park to see who’s messaging him, and his eyes widen as his smile grows and his face flushes. ‘LoveMatch, I assume?’ you ask, your teeth clenching in jealousy behind your smile.

‘Yeah, I’ve been messaging this one girl, Jeannie, a few days now,’ he tells you as he clicks in to see what she said, and his smile is so bright at her reply that you feel your stomach drop, your jealousy transforming into something that feels so much worse. ‘I think I’m gunna ask her on a date soon, when I can get an afternoon off so we don’t meet up too late, what do you think? Or should we talk a bit more first?’

The urge to tell him he should definitely talk more first arises because it’s true, you know what meeting too soon can do to a relationship before you can get a better feel for someone, but you also want them to meet before they’re ready; you want her to go in blind because you already know how to talk to him, know that there’s no way she’ll be able to get him out of his shell enough to consider a second date. You know he’ll be nervous, so he might say something weird like he did that first time you chatted over Facsimile, and if he does then there’s a good chance she might leave the date not wanting more.

You can’t do that though, you don’t want to see him rejected like that ever again after the loan, so you ball up your fist and give him a playful tap to the shoulder as he waits for your response. ‘Give it a little more time, get to know each other better, the perfect time for a date will show itself eventually, and if it doesn’t then maybe it’s just not meant to be,’ you suggest, and he nods before one-handedly typing out a reply back to her and putting his phone away. 

‘You’re so good with this kinda stuff, I haven’t been on a real date before, it’s why I signed up for LoveMatch to begin with, so I never know where to start whenever I get a match,’ he confesses as you go back to walking, your fist still balled painfully as you hide it in your jacket pocket. 

‘I’ve been on way too many bad dates by now, I’d like to think I’m a bit of an expert on it.’ Your laugh is strained but he doesn’t seem to notice as he looks straight ahead, his cheeks still pink now that she’s on his mind.

‘I can’t wait to meet her, she works at a flower shop nearby but I haven’t been in yet, I don’t wanna creep her out or anything,’ he says as his shyness crops up again, his expression cute until you remember this isn’t for you, it’s for her.

‘Just keep talking to her and it’ll happen, and who knows? Maybe she’ll like you as mu-’ You stop yourself from saying, ‘as much as I do,’ the words unable to come out as he turns to face you with a curious expression. ‘As much as I know she will,’ you finish, and he grins at the ground before taking another drink, your shoulders bumping for just a moment before he steps to the left to give you a bit more space, and you have to grip the inside of your pocket to keep from pulling him back to you.

About a week later he messages you as you’re working, your phone lighting up and buzzing energetically near your hand, and when you open the chat he tells you that she asked him on a date. Your face falls as you force a smile he can’t see, your thumbs typing him a congrats you don’t mean, not entirely, and when he says that he’s going to take her to the park you feel almost betrayed; you know it’s not your park, it’s just someplace you visit sometimes, it wasn’t like he was bringing her to the Hotel for lunch, that would hurt so much worse.

He then says he’s been thinking about packing a picnic since it felt more romantic, and that he was going to bring roses in her favourite colours since she told him she couldn’t decide between red or orange when they were talking about it, and you almost put down your phone as your chest aches. You want it to be you, you want him to ask you to the park for a picnic, you want to be able to pack your own favourites to share with him there now that the weather is nice again, you want him to bring you roses in your favourite colours even though you’re not even that much of a flower person just because they’re from him and he’s thinking of you.

You want to be her.

You tell him that that sounds like a great idea, she’ll love it, he should tell you how it goes afterwards if he wants to, which he does, since you’re his friend.

You’re his friend.

You send him a bunch of fingers crossed emojis and get back to work so he can start planning, the date is this weekend after all and he has things he has to do now, and when you go to bed that night your thumb hovers over the Sign Up button on LoveMatch’s mobile app until you fall asleep.

Three days later you find yourself lurking outside of the park even though you fought all morning not to, not knowing the exact time they were going to meet up and spending every second continuing that fight as you tell yourself to leave before you got hurt even more. You parked a block away so he wouldn’t recognize your car, and you’re wearing one of your thicker hoodies that you prefer to save for colder weather even though it’s making you sweat like crazy, the hood up as you walk around and see if you can find him. You’ve been there for hours now when you finally decide to go, this was stupid and petty and way too jealous to be acceptable no matter how you felt for him, and just as you’re about to leave you hear his voice echo faintly across the open area.

You look over and see him approach an unfamiliar woman, Jeannie, a big bouquet of roses in his hand and his Brougham waiting for him with an open door by the curb where he was dropped off at. He waves nervously at her, and she flashes him a big smile as he hands her the roses, she seems happy about them, and they chat for a little bit as you get a good vantage point behind a nearby tree. There’s people looking at you as they pass but you don’t care, you can’t leave now, and your jealousy turns to shocked offense as you watch her expression slowly fall.

She’s uncomfortable, he’s said something that she didn’t like just like you’d feared, and he picks up on it and motions for her to wait before he jogs back to the car, he’s still going to try and fix it with the picnic. The moment he’s away from her she puts the roses down on the bench they’re standing by and bails, her footsteps fast as she puts as much distance between them before his return, and your body moves on its own as you want to chase her down, demand to know why she did that. You lose her as you hear him come back to the bench, his voice calling out to her again but she’s long gone, and you freeze with your back to him as you hear him set down the basket, his car already driving off and stranding him there.

The lump is already forming in your throat again when you hear your phone go off, and when you pick up and turn to face him he’s already looking at you, having heard the ringtone you’d assigned to him from your short distance away. He looks hurt at your presence at first, then upset, then angry, and he leaves both the roses and the basket behind as he starts to walk away.

‘Simon, wait,’ you call out to him as you race after him, his long legs carrying him farther and faster as you quickly catch up, but you being there is just insult to injury and he does not want you to be there for him today.

‘You saw it all, didn’t you?’ he demands as he just keeps walking with no destination, needing to get away from you and his heartbreak as fast as he can, and you try to walk backwards in front of him but you can’t keep the pace, not when he keeps changing directions every time you catch up.

‘I’m sorry, I wanted to make sure it went okay,’ you confess before you can come up with yet another lie, and he scoffs at it bitterly.

‘Wanted to make sure I didn’t fuck it up like the loan, right? Well, sorry to break it to you, but I fucked it up again, I’m just one big fuckup!’ He takes another sharp turn to try and lose you in a dense crowd but you grab onto him, use him like an anchor as he tries to jerk away enough to make you let go, but your grip is strong and true as not even that works. 

‘You aren’t a fuckup!’ you insist desperately in a too loud voice for being in public, a group of mothers with strollers giving you the dirtiest look at your language, but you just give them a ‘give me a break’ look back before turning your attention back to him. ‘She just doesn’t know you yet, what did you say? Maybe you can still fix it? Or you could try one of your other matches? She isn’t the only one out there, you don’t need her!’

‘I told her that I wanted to meet her at work,’ he says, and that’s not so bad until he explains why it upset her. ‘I told her that I saw her place of work in the trashed data and I wanted to surprise her by ordering the roses from her, and she didn’t like it.’

Yeah, that’ll do it.

‘She- she didn’t get that you weren’t looking her up to doxx her or stalk her or anything?’ you hurriedly ask, and he just shakes his head, his pace slowing as you exit the main road and head down a less busy street, somewhere more private, probably unintentionally on his part.

‘No, I tried to explain that but her expression said it all, and when I got back…’ He slows even more, you both know how it ended and his lip is quivering. ‘She didn’t even have to guts to say goodbye, she just wanted to leave me there like I could be thrown out like the roses, like trash, that fucking bitch!’ He kicks the trashcan you’re about to pass and it crashes hard to the ground, the contents spilling all over the sidewalk as he loses control of his anger again. ‘I’m a person, goddamnit, why does this keep…’

You step around the trash as the wind blows it into your path, creating a river between the two of you that you cross to get to him, and this time when you try to hug him he steps back, puts a hand up to keep you away.

‘Don’t, just- don’t, I can’t be touched by you right now,’ he says softly, and he isn’t crying but he looks about to as you obediently back up, the trash spreading around you and making the river swell. ‘I’m going home, I’m sorry you keep having to deal with me.’

You try to tell him otherwise but he isn’t listening as he pulls up his hood and heads back to the main road, a cab hailed before he gets in and drives away, leaves you there alone. You lower your own hood and unzip your hoodie so your body can cool a little as you walk back to your car, and when you reach the bench you see that there’s a small group of concerned people gathering around the basket, all of them clearly thinking that it might be something dangerous.

‘That’s mine, sorry, it’s just a picnic,’ you say as you approach it, and everyone can’t help but peer inside as you prove it to them. In that quick glimpse you can see that he worked hard on the contents within, he made a whole bunch and even grabbed a few different drinks as well as a bottle of wine to split, and you swallow as you relatch the lid and grab the handle. The roses are still there too and you pick them up, they’re the synthetic kind you can tell as their scent is muted compared to the real thing, he wanted her to keep them for a while without them dying, and you hold them close to your chest as you finish the trek to your car.

You don’t look at the items in your passenger seat until you get home, and when you reach your apartment you put the flowers in a waterless vase and spread out the picnic on your coffee table. You choose your favourite drink, of course he would’ve brought it out of all the possible options, and open up the wine as well as you enjoy the picnic by yourself, not wanting to let it go to waste as you try not to notice how large your couch was without him there to enjoy it with you.

He ignores your messages for a while after that, so you stop texting him to give him some space, but that doesn’t stop you from at least typing everything out and deleting it before the temptation to press send overtakes you. You look him up on LoveMatch and see that he’s offline, and after looking up Jeannie’s name you discover a recent post she made in the site’s forums section; you click in and see that she completely tried to ruin his reputation on the site, warning others to stay away from him, calling him creepy and a stalker and claiming that he would doxx any matches. Your heart races as the comments join in, insulting his picture and saying he looked like a creep, how some said they had messaged him but now they were going to block, thanking her for the warning and telling her how sorry they were for having to deal with that.

You nearly come to his rescue but there’s no point, they’ve already made up their minds, and you instead flag the post as harassment and pray that it got taken down before he saw it.

He’s seen it.

He sends you the link without another word, your request to remove it denied, and when you look for his profile you find it gone.

He misses your next Friday lunch, and you figure enough is enough as you decide that if he wasn’t going to talk to you then you were going to talk to him. You wait until he gets off work before parking across from the bar, and you keep your distance as he hails a ride and heads home for the night. Your hands are gripping the wheel way too hard the entire way there, and when the car turns into a large, mostly empty lot sans a bunch of trailers parked inside as well as a few storage containers and miscellaneous vehicles and construction things for the building across the street you just keep going and pretend like you weren’t just following him. You wait until his ride leaves as you park nearby, and you casually walk up to the one you saw him heading for and hope that he won’t kick you out immediately as you knock on the door.

There’s the sound of stumbling from inside until the door opens and you step out of its way, Simon just looking at you before a cacophony of emotions plays across his face. ‘Hey,’ you say when he doesn’t shut the door right away, ‘you stopped answering my messages, I wanted to make sure you were okay.’

‘So you followed me?’ He’s more surprised than angry, which is good, but you don’t know how long it’ll last so you talk fast, needing to get it out while you have the chance.

‘You never told me where you lived, I improvised, I’m not the one with access to trashed data here,’ you try to joke, but neither of you laugh as you just stand there on his makeshift porch, which is just big enough to hold a single lawn chair and nothing else, another sign of his isolation.

‘I never wanted you to come here,’ he mutters just quietly enough that you almost miss it, and when you lean in to listen his expression hardens. ‘Your place is so nice, you’ve got a nice view, everything is so open, you do so well for yourself. But me, even with two jobs this is all I can afford, I can’t save up for my bar when I have bills to pay, can’t get a loan because I can’t pay it off if it fails, you’ve got everything so put together and I’m-’ He stops, he’s been looking at the ground the entire time but when he falls silent he makes a point to purposefully not look at you, and you can see the shine in his eyes as he shifts from foot to foot, resists slamming the door in your face. ‘I’m a fucking loser.’

‘You’re not-’

‘I got kicked out of the academy, I got evicted, I got denied for my loan, I got dumped before my date even started and now every other match I made has me blocked, I live in a fucking trailer because I can’t afford rent in the city anymore and it’s cheap to live out this far, how am I not a loser?’ He quiets down when he starts yelling out all the reasons why he was worthless, his voice echoing over the lot, and he tries to shut the door when your hand shoots out and holds it open the second you see it move. ‘I just- I don’t understand why you keep talking to me after all that, why do you keep coming back? Why haven’t you left like everyone else? Why won’t you just- leave me alone…?’

You swallow and walk up the two-step stairs, Simon backing up until you let yourself in, the door shutting behind you and trapping your voices inside so they can’t carry anymore. ‘Because none of that defines you, it happened to you but that isn’t who you are,’ you tell him, and he’s hunched over now that he’s inside, the ceiling not high enough to accommodate him in his own home.

‘And who am I?’ he asked pathetically, but you don’t see him as pathetic, not even now as you see his home and how bare it is, the nicest thing he owns his computer over by the far window, the setup grand and expensive looking, and you fondly think to yourself that he probably built it all himself.

‘You’re smart, you’re so fucking smart, and you’re easy to talk to, and you’re a bit weird sometimes, and you word things kinda badly at the worst of times but you’re not a creep, and you’re passionate about what you want and it’s so unfair that no one’s given you a proper chance, or gotten to know the real you, not just what they’ve heard and assumed about you. You’re not a bad guy, you’re more than your black marks, you’re Simon.’

He blinks and a tear falls from his eye to the floor thanks to the angle his neck is forced to be, but he never sits even though it must be hurting him, and you wonder if maybe you’ve gotten through to him when he catches you completely off guard with what he says next: ‘Would you still think that if you knew the real me?’

‘What do you mean?’ You’ve known him for half a year now, there wasn’t any side of him you hadn’t seen yet, but apparently there was as another tear falls.

‘I killed someone, about five years ago now.’

You stagger back into the door, the wind knocked out of you at this revelation, and he shuts his eyes and looks away from your expression as one of pain takes over his own face. ‘What are you talking about?’ you ask quietly, your voice failing you the first time you try, and he flinches at your words like you’d just screamed them in his face.

‘Back when I was evicted I was looking for people to room with, just temporarily until I could get back on my feet, and this guy had answered my ad, invited me over to check out his place. I should’ve been more cautious but it was so cold I couldn’t wait, and when I got there he tried to mug me, take whatever I had left. I fought back in self-defense, but when I almost got away he started attacking me, wanted to keep me there until his actual roommate got home so he had help, and I-’ He sits down then, his hands shaking as he goes back to that time, and your back leaves the door as he looks up at you with such sadness that your chest feels hollow. ‘He tried to kill me, I was only trying to defend myself, I didn’t mean to hurt him so bad, I just wanted to find somewhere to stay, it was so cold outside…’

‘What happened after that?’ You think you might’ve just mouthed the words with how much your voice breaks, but he understands you anyways.

‘The roommate came home while I- while it was happening, called the cops, and when they saw me standing there covered in blood, holding the knife still, they instantly ruled it as a homicide and arrested me. I was able to plead not guilty but they took one look at my bad psych eval and thought I’d snapped, killed him outta malice or something, it was only by a miracle that the evidence was in my favour.’

‘And the roommate?’

‘They searched the place and found evidence of all the others before me that’d fallen for the con, he was charged and arrested and I made bail, but after that my mother never talked to me again, even though I was acquitted.’ It looks like a weight’s been lifted now that he’s said it, but he also looks so fucking tired, most of him taking up his small loveseat couch. You want to go to him but you can’t move, your body refusing to shift even an inch in case he didn’t want you to, and he looks you over before something in his eyes begs you please; you let out a small noise as you fall to the ground between his knees, your hand holding his just like you had when you’d wrapped him up.

‘Why are you still here? Why haven’t you thrown me out yet?’ he weakly asks you, and you can’t lie to him any longer as you hold his hand up to your cheek.

‘Don’t you know what you mean to me?’ you need to know, your voice so small that again you’re not even sure if any of it even comes out, and he lets out a breath that sounds so desperate and broken it makes you wonder just how long he’s been holding it: days, weeks, months, since the moment you met?

‘I didn’t want to hope- you… you’re my only friend, I didn’t want to ruin everything and lose you too,’ he whispers as he properly holds you, his palm so warm against your skin, and you lean into his touch as you let out the breath you were holding in return.

‘You almost broke my heart when you said you went back to LoveMatch, I wanted to tell you so badly,’ you’re finally able to confess, and when you do his other hand finds your arm, holds you with just enough pressure that you know he wants you there.

‘Why didn’t you?’

‘I didn’t want to ruin everything either.’

He leans forward until his forehead rests against yours, and when you open your eyes and look into his you can see everything you ever wanted again, all of it feeling so real and within reach as you brush his bangs aside, rest your hand on the back of his neck. His other hand comes up to cup your other cheek, and he’s shaking slightly like he’s afraid to touch you even though he already is because this time it’d be his decision to, his lips parting as he stares down at your own, and when he touches you you lean up and close the space between you.

He sighs against your mouth as you kiss him, it so full of relief and contentment and joy, and you wrap your arms around his neck again as you successfully sit in his lap this time. His lack of experience is apparent but you have no complaints as you deepen the kiss, needing more now that you could have it, and he lets you have everything you ever wanted as he leans back against the cushions until his head hits the metal wall behind him. He mutters an ow as he lets go of you to rub his head, and you laugh before catching his mouth again, which he eagerly allows you to do; he eats up all your attention, starving for it as he gets more into it, needing whatever you can give after so many rejections, and you’re happy to give it all back as you kiss his neck.

‘I was so proud of you when you told me you were trying for the loan, I really wanted to celebrate with you,’ you whisper into his skin, and you can feel him shiver as he lets out a soft moan and tilts his head to the side so you have easier access. ‘You’ve been trying so hard, please let me reward you, I want to be the first to…’

He moans your name as his hips start to move, try to find friction against you, and you shift until he does, his jaw going slack as he holds you by your thighs, perfects the angle even more.

‘When I saw you with her I wanted it to be me, I hated myself for wanting her to go, but she didn’t deserve you, I’ll never leave, and I want the next time we meet to be a real date, whether it’s at the Hotel or the park or my place or here, I want to be with you.’

He makes a noise of pure want, his Adam's apple bobbing as he tries to swallow back the sob that follows, he was always weak to your compliments but you need him to know how worth it he is to you, how much he deserves this after everything he’s been through.

‘You’re wonderful, I love spending time with you, you’re everything I want.’

A tear escapes between his tightly shut eyelids and you kiss it away before going to his jaw, pressing your lips along it before you find his mouth again.

‘I really like you, Simon, you mean so much to me, I’m so glad I got to meet you.’

He’s practically whimpering in your lap as he cries harder, his hips never stopping, he needs this so much but so do you, and you let him use you as the growing pressure wrenches a moan from your lips.

‘I love-’

You don’t get to finish as he comes apart underneath you, his body shuddering as he grips you tight and gasps out a series of choked out moans, your eyes fluttering shut as you feel it all travel from the top of your head down to the tips of your toes. You feel the heat between your thighs as he slowly catches his breath, his cheeks turning red under streams of tears in embarrassment for coming from just this much, but you just kiss the tip of his nose and rest your chest against his, let him feel how hard your heart was beating.

‘I love you,’ you whisper now that you can, and he looks at you like you’ve just given him the sun and the moon on a golden platter.

‘I’m so glad I texted you back then,’ he confesses against your cheek, his hands leaving your thighs to rest on your back, keeping you close, ‘I think I started to love you the moment you wanted to actually talk to me.’

‘Lucky for me your standards are so low,’ you joke, but it falls flat in the best of ways as he nuzzles into your neck.

‘It was all I needed, I just wanted someone to believe in me.’ He presses a single kiss to the space where your neck meets your shoulder, and your nails scrape lightly against his scalp as you let out a sigh at the feeling.

‘I told you, I’ll keep cheering you on until it works,’ you remind him, and he sits up straight so he can hold you even closer in his hug, your bodies fitting together perfectly as you hold him back and don’t let go.

The snow is falling lightly outside as you stretch in your chair, your back cracking as you raise your arms high above your head. You’re all done for the day, everything on your list checked off as you glance at the time and see that it’s almost 8PM, he’ll be there soon. You stand and bring the feeling back to your legs before grabbing the remote and turning on the TV, queuing up the next episode of the show you’re marathoning only one at a time each night. You let the recap and intro play and then press pause, it’s nearly time now, and you’re in the middle of grabbing the plates and utensils when you hear a knock at the door. You unlock it and open up to reveal Simon on the other side, all bound up in a large winter jacket, his scarf pulled up high enough to cover his nose and mouth from the cold.

‘You forget your key at work again?’ you tease as he walks in, trailing snow over to the mat where he can take his boots off.

‘Kinda hard to unlock the door with both hands full,’ he points out with a smirk as he then sets the food brought from said work on the table. ‘It’s busy tonight despite the snow, lots of people coming in to escape the chill, had to order these early to make sure they were done on time.’

‘You know I can always make something before you get back, you don’t have to keep bothering Elison over it,’ you remind him, but he won’t hear of it, he loves being able to bring you back something so you don’t have to stop working until you’re ready and you know it.

‘I convinced him to leave the Hotel to come work for me, might as well use him,’ is what he has to say to that, and you can’t argue with it as you both transfer your dinners onto the plates you set out. ‘Besides, it’s the only way I can get my favourites without having to drive across town, that’s a good enough reason to keep bothering him.’

You hum in agreement as you sit down together, the episode playing as soon as you’re settled, and when you’re done eating he curls up next to you, rests his head against your shoulder even though it hurts his neck. You take pity on him and adjust so he can lay more properly, his face still red from the winter chill, and you find yourself paying more attention to him until he feels your eyes on him.

‘You think we can do two episodes tonight before you go back? We’re so close to the season finale,’ you plead in that tone of voice that always gets him, and he looks like he really wants to say yes but he can’t, he doesn’t like leaving the place for so long as is even though his staff is more than capable of watching over things for an hour without him; outside of the weekend it’s the only time you can be together until he gets home at 2AM, when you’re already asleep most nights, and before he leaves again by 9AM, at least until the new year where he plans on hiring more staff if things keep getting better.

‘Not tonight, maybe tomorrow if it’ll calm down when the storm hits, I’ll call it early if it’s bad enough,’ he promises, and you smile and hold his hand as you rewind the episode back to before you stopped watching.

‘Should I be so jealous of a bar?’ you ask rhetorically, and he answers you yes before you playfully hit him and press play again. ‘Maybe I should start working for you part-time, I miss our Friday lunches, you’re too busy for me now.’

‘I’m never too busy for you,’ he reassures you so gently and genuinely before kissing you, the scene you just rewound to getting ignored again as you don’t let him go after just one. ‘I wouldn’t mind having you there, though, even if I think we might not get a lot done whenever you’re there.’

‘I’m just trying to make some C0NN3CT10N$,’ you say as slowly and as slyly as you can, drawing out the word as he just stares at you, ‘y’know like the bar’s na-’

He silences you with another kiss, this one a little more chaste as he laughs against your lips. ‘Yeah, yeah I know,’ he chuckles, and once again the episode is rewound so you can watch it, your arms around him for the rest of the hour he sets aside just for you each night, and in your head you make a mental note to thank your mother for recommending that son of a friend of a friend of a co-worker 10 months too late as he lovingly holds you right back.

[review-anon]

New Look, New Beginnings

???: Hello? Is this on?

.....

???: Shit, I didn't turn the recording on, let's try that again.

...

* A image appears on screen showing what looks to be the interior of a futuristic building. On the screen is a weird blue-ghost like entity*

Hello? Is this on?...The green light is on so I assume it is on.

In that case, greetings everyone! I am Review Anon and at long last we have visual connection!

Now I know some of you are acting confused right now. You probably have a bunch of questions like "Review Anon why do you have custom sprites?" "Review Anon I thought this was gonna be 100% writing so why are you doing this?" "Is this an attempt to launch a story blog?"

Well don't worry I plan to address all of those issues in a moment so this won't take lo-

???: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!

Huh?

*Suddenly a door bursts open and a very familar if somewhat plain looking high school student bursts in*

You really think you can announce you are gonna start a story blog without me being here?

Hajime I just SAID this was not gonna be a story blog.

Actually a better question is how the heck did you get in here?

You do realise this location is in the void of reality where the laws of time and space are bendable. Anyone from my world could be here.

Also you left the door wide open.

Okay but I didn't ask for anyone to help me with this announcement. So why did you feel you needed to come in here?

Are you kidding me? I'm the mascot of Danganronpa ask blogs more or less. I am the main character of A Student out of Time, the deuteragonist in Despair to Future Arcs, a very important character in both Survivor and The New Future and finally I was one of Aliza's boyfriends in Finalverse!

Before it was erased from the internet that was...

How many times do I have to say this Hajime? THIS. IS. NOT. A. STORY. BLOG.

But you made yourself a sprite sheet for your Anonsona.

Yes.

And you are planning to use those sprites for telling tales between characters.

Well sorta.

And you are planning to have some continuity between each story.

Get to your point.

In other words, no matter how you slice it, this is a story blog!

NO ITS NOT!

.....

I was about to explain what the deal behind these were but SOMEONE interupted me before I could explain myself.

I jumped the gun, didn't I?

Yes, you did.

Anyway apologises for that outburst there but before Mr. Reckless over there bursted in, I was about to explain what the deal with this was.

So yeah, I have a sprite sheet now. I was thinking of doing this for a little bit, but now I've finished my ASOOT Video Game Pitch I figured now was the time to get them done.

And no I don't have amazing drawing skills to get these out, during down times on the ASOOT video game pitch I was working on these in the background and I just finished the first batch now. More will come in the future when I need them.

So why did I make them? Two reasons, firstly to use them on the blog itself when answering asks, as long as its not too serious stuff. I'm not using them when updating on my writing projects for example. But the second reason is that I plan to roughly around the time I upload writing projects or other events involving me to have sketches.

[corruptimles]

Question but do you have any streaming tips for beginners or know any good videos that'd help someone learn how to do so? I'm trying to audition for something and would like to know if you had any tips! Have a good day tho!!

I have some ideas, they’re mostly Twitch-based though so some might not apply for other sites. Unfortunately I mostly play by ear when it comes to streaming. I don’t know how to specifically help with whatever this audition is but hey

EDIT: added a read-more; I answered on mobile and didn’t notice how long the answer got

I’d say one of the best things to focus on is audio quality as that may make or break if someone wants to keep watching a stream imo (aside from just chat engagement or general interest)

You don’t need to get fancy expensive microphones, just a decent one. Balance volume, and filters like gain, noise suppression, and noise gate to limit background noise but be heard clearly.

Eventually I want to do this too but you can try making whatever room you’re in have better acoustics. You shouldn’t need expensive acoustic foam, there’s other DIY alternatives out there that I haven’t fully looked into yet.

Unless you want to go for the aesthetics and can afford it then I can’t really stop you.

(And maybe you actually have furniture in your room that breaks down sound better than my barren echoing living space)

Uhhh promos and all that. Tumblr has a function to play Twitch streams live if you put the link as a video post, which is one way to grab some viewers. Don’t feel too discouraged if the spike of viewers comes and goes. And don’t feel bad about self-promo because people wouldn’t know they can watch you if you never say anything about it

Having a friend around doesn’t hurt. Mine have helped with feedback on stream quality, and general levity

Don’t feel like you need to put on a boisterous entertainment persona as that might get draining; it may take a while to find a comfortable streaming mindset but you’ll get there

Be sure to check your moderation settings, especially auto-mod if you don’t have someone to moderate for you. Consider things like nightbot or streamlabs cloudbot for further moderation and custom commands. Take advantage of Twitch extensions; some give chat more to do and look at

If you want to be more personable to an audience, encourage conversation when you can. Like asking questions back and bringing up discussion topics. (be mindful of parasocial relationships though, both ways. how often chat talks doesn’t define your worth)

Something something, eye-catching overlays but not being too crowded to watch

I’m sure there’s other ways to improve quality like bitrate, fps, internet connection (ethernet is most recommend), but I can’t think of anything else specific at the moment, or it depends on your programs and specs.

It took me about a year before getting into a comfortable groove so pretty much don’t give up and try to have fun with it

If anyone else knows any good videos or other tips for this anon, leave a comment or something. I know I’m definitely forgetting a couple quick tips I would’ve answered a different time.

[fiercynn]

okay. i am someone who is actually very interested in maintaining intergenerational connections in fandom and being friends with and in community with fans younger than me, including teenagers. i was a teen in fandom who had many, many positive friendships with adults in fandom – including people i'm still friends with years later. i also, as an adult now in my thirties, feel lucky enough to be friends with fans much younger than me, including a few teens, and i honestly would love to be friends with more teens and younger fans. these are the reasons why i care about this topic.

and i think there’s a tendency to immediately come to posts like this with some defensiveness and reactiveness, because of the way these kinds of conversations have been super fraught before. but fostering intergenerational community in fandom is going to require us to pause sometimes and be generous in our readings of what people are saying or asking for. and, frankly, while i think that should come from all sides, i think there is a responsibility on us adults to play a bigger part in actively creating spaces that younger fans want to be in, because we are, you know, adults.

so i want to use this to try and take a step back and actually look at what op was saying, carefully, and then look at the way other adults have responded to it. if you’re interested in these goals too, please read my whole post before reacting!

here's the my first question i have when seeing posts like this: is there a legitimate concern or point here? and i think there is.

that legitimate concern is: “teenagers don’t always know when they are talking to adults on the internet, and that can cause problems, so they would like to know when that is happening.”

note that op:

did not say that adults and teens shouldn’t interact online

did not say that teens don’t want to talk to adults at all

did not offer any specific reasons why they think that teens might want to know that they are talking to adults online

did not name what they think are the problems that can arise

so let's start by talking about that legitimate concern.

firstly, kids in general have access to fewer and fewer spaces where they can interact with each other without being under the eye of adults. in many countries, including the u.s., kids and teens are losing those spaces offline – there are fewer public places where kids can hang out, for free, without being subjected to anti-loitering laws or age-based curfews (by which i mean state-imposed curfews, not ones imposed by parents or guardians). and this is a recent development – this wasn’t true, at least in the u.s., for those of us who got to be kids pre-2000s.

the internet landscape has also drastically changed in this regard. @saathi1013 talks a lot about opt-in vs. opt-out digital architecture, which i find very relevant here. essentially, early internet spaces were "opt-in" for the kind of content you saw and the people you interacted with - you had to seek out mailing lists, or forums, or blogs, or livejournal communities, etc etc and join them intentionally. if you were a teen, you obviously still did not always know whether you were interacting with adults – either if they didn’t share that information, or if they were lying – but you had far more tools to set your boundaries intentionally. for instance, when i was a teen on livejournal, i had adults in fandom following me, but i also could selectively lock my posts, and even custom-lock them so that, say, only my friends from school could see a specific post. i also rarely had to see posts from people that i didn’t know or hadn’t actively sought out, unless i had specifically opted into to following a community or listserv where i didn’t know everyone.

now, we are in a majority "opt-out" world where most social media apps want you to see as much content as possible, and you have to set boundaries with increasingly fewer tools to do so. we don’t even have the option to set accounts to private on many sites, let alone custom-lock individual posts. blocking and muting tools are paltry and do not work well on many sites. that's not the fault of the teens.

so teens not only have a harder time simply finding ways to intentionally interact with other teens, but they are also in an internet landscape where they increasingly do not know who they are talking to. now i want to remind folks that that this has, technically, always been true: there have always been adults who don’t want to share much about their age online, and of course malicious actors who may lie about it.

but in our current internet landscape, that’s not all that teens might have to worry about. they might be drawn into interactions with adults that happen entirely by accident, on both sides. how many times have people gotten outraged about an opinion they’ve seen online, that has been shared onto their feeds, and then gone to op’s page and realized oh this is a fourteen-year-old? yeah. this is not an unheard-of issue.

so. why might teens want to know that they are interacting with adults online?

they might just want to interact with other teens specifically. like. did you always want to hang out with adults when you were a teen? i feel silly even trying to list out reasons why this might be the case! they also might be okay with hanging out with adults, but simply want to know that those people are adults. the friendships that i had with adults when i was a teen in fandom involved both of us knowing that. it's hard for me to imagine that those friendships would have grown as strong as they did if we hadn't known.

also – and please don’t write me off immediately here – there is also the undeniable fact that teens can be harmed by adults. like. it is not a conservative or fascist position to be worried about the harms that teens can face from adults online!

and those, again, can be intentional or unintentional from the adults’ end of things, including smaller harms that can still be super impactful for teens. but we simply cannot take the idea that teens can be hurt by adults – including the potential for sexual harassment and abuse by those adults – as an inherently fascist position.

it is, in fact, the exact opposite, since fascists and conservatives work to uphold rape culture, white supremacy, and cisheteropatriarchy, all of which allow sexual harassment and abuse of young people to thrive unchallenged. conservatives and fascists generally bring up harm to teens as a talking point when it is useful for their rhetoric, not as a true concern, which is why many of them will be fine with child marriage and abuse by spouses even as they spew homophobic and transphobic rhetoric about queer and trans people being groomers.

again, the problem of malicious actors does exist, so even if all adults without bad intentions shared their ages online, teens would still be at risk. but the risk might be lower from those unintentional harms, like potentially being dogpiled for having a bad opinion. or even vice versa: a teen could accidentally flirt with an adult online because they didn’t know their age, leading to discomfort for both of them!

okay, so we’ve established some reasons why the underlying concern op was raising is legitimate. now let’s look at the way that others have responded in the reblogs.

the instinctive reaction that many people seem to have is to assume that op is coming to this from a conservative/fascist rhetoric and intent. i sort of understand where this is coming from: op’s use of the word “lured” seems to imply that they think adults are intentionally trying to hide their ages to draw teens in, and “insidious” could be referring to something like “queer and trans adults are inherently groomers” rhetoric. op also said they think it's "weird" when people over 20 don't put list their ages. and like i said, conversations about adults and teens interacting can be really fraught, so i understand why people would jump to this conclusion and be upset by it.

but – without knowing anything else about op other than what they’ve posted – there is actually nothing to indicate that this is what they meant with their post. the “luring” could be referring to things like teens getting caught up in discussions that get them dogpiled for their opinions. the “insidious” problems could be any of the ones i've listed above. them saying people are "weird" for not listing ages could just be because they believe the underlying concern they've named is legitimate, and they are not aware of the reasons why people might not want to follow it, since op doesn't actually say why they think it's weird.

i want to note, too, that op is not forcing anyone to do anything. op is not even advocating for policies on these platforms that would require adults to put their ages in their bios! op is literally asking for people to do this. they even said please! i guess you could decide that op saying that they think it is "weird" if people don't do this is op putting pressure on us, but let's be clear, op's still not forcing anything, they are just stating their opinion.

and yet, people in the reblogs are accusing op of:

thinking that “everyone over 20 is inherently predatory and creepy towards children”

being a “fed”

“coerc[ing]” people into giving up their privacy on social media

encouraging people to “ignore[e their] own privacy boundaries and discomfort”

“think-of-the-children fearmongering”

thinking that adults who don’t list their ages are pedophiles

“telling people if you don’t do what I tell you, you might be a threat to the safety of our community”

being similar to u.s. president george w. "dubya" bush, a republican, conservative, and in my opinion pretty evil person

saying that adults and younger people shouldn’t interact in fandom spaces

saying that adults and younger people interacting in fandom spaces in itself leads to insidious things

having a “conservative agenda”

“destroying the links between generations”

“do[ing] the masters’ work”

i didn’t even go into the tags or check for other reblogs besides the ones i see here. but let’s be clear. i don’t know what op thinks, obviously, or what they have done or said outside of this post. but in this post, they didn’t do or say any of the things that people just accused them of.

now. there are legitimate concerns that people name in the reblogs as well! one is that listing your age in your bio may not be safe or feel safe even for adults, because it is sharing more of yourself on the internet. another is the fact that truly malicious actors will of course be able to get around what op is asking for.

so with all that in mind, here is how i wish people had responded to op’s post.

firstly, by not immediately assuming that it is a conservative psyop; or that op, by making a request, is trying to impose something on people that they don’t want to do; or that fulfilling the request will destroy intergenerational connections.

secondly, by acknowledging that there is a legitimate concern in op’s post, and that it is in the interest of people who want intergenerational fandom community to try and address that concern.

thirdly, by pointing out legitimate concerns for why op’s proposed solution might not work for everyone, while also acknowledging that it is still not an inherently bad request – there are people who do feel comfortable sharing their ages online, and just because it won’t catch the intentionally malicious actors doesn’t mean it couldn’t be useful for a lot of the unintentional issues and potential harms that i mentioned above.

and fourthly, by proposing alternate solutions that could still get at the legitimate concern op raised, while also being more comfortable for people who don’t like op’s specific request. just a couple ideas off the top of my head: people could put “adult” in their bios without listing their actual ages. people could write and pin a post about their approach to intergenerational connections in fandom - for instance, something like “i am an adult but welcome friendships with people younger than me", or, "i choose not to share my age online but i welcome interactions with people of any age", etc etc, so that teens could then choose whether or not to engage with them. i'm sure there are other ideas that we could all brainstorm together.

finally, i want to name some potential impacts of the way people have reacted to this post.

now, imagine that op is actually everything that people have accused them of – that they are conservative, that their intentions are bad, that they want to impose their request on everyone. that would suck, obviously. but it wouldn’t actually change my reaction to this post.

because the fact that people immediately turned on their post and jumped to these conclusions without any evidence means that a teen who sees this – or anyone else, frankly! – could very well have the reaction, “wow. these adults immediately dismissed a legitimate concern and decided that it was a conservative psyop without any evidence. they could do the same if i raise this concern.”

i’m going to assume good intentions for everyone who has reblogged this, and assume that everyone here genuinely wants to foster and improve connections between teens and adults in fandom and to protect both teens and adults from harm.

but this is not the way to do it. this is not the way to show teens that we respect them and their boundaries, that we care about their wellbeing, and that we would be good friends to them if they chose to connect with us. and if we truly care about intergenerational fannish community, we need to show them that, and live up to it.

@ my fellow adults who use tumblr a lot:

can you PLEASE put your age in your about/sidebar and make sure it’s accessible on mobile. imo if you’re an adult esp 20+ it’s a little weird that you wouldn’t have your age readily available on your blog. if you’re reading this now and you don’t have your age listed, please rectify that. i feel like teenagers get lured into talking to adults in fandom/lgbt spaces that they may not have intentionally sought out because they think they’re talking to other teenagers, and this can lead to a lot of other – much more insidious –problems

[unpreciosa]

The Impact of the Tumblr Porn Ban of 2019: An Analysis

I have a love-hate relationship with Tumblr. I have many reasons to thank Tumblr, for being the source of visual knowledge for sexual terminology and acts. I credit Tumblr for guiding me through learning my sexuality. Without Tumblr, I would’ve never stumbled onto queer porn, specifically “wlw porn” (”women loving women porn”). My introduction with queer sex was finding soft porn GIFs which I am not mad about. I think about how lesbian/queer porn is represented outside of the platform like on Pornhub or other general social media sites like Twitter. I did not interact with Pornhub or Twitter until I reached high school, which was intentional for me. I was satisfied with Tumblr as one of my “safe spaces” to connect with the internet. The platform was at it’s peak in 2014, along with Vine, Instagram, and Twitter. Tumblr’s interface was satisfying to me, with the simplistic home page and the ability to code for customizing your account page. It challenged me to research how to code and let me engage with the content I wanted to see, on my own terms. I was able to access information about the LGBTQ community that I would not have been able to learn about from my parents, who never mentioned queerness unless it was to make fun of.

Although I never posted my own content on my page, I would repost stories and like posts that resonated with me. Authors would post about their personal queer attractions and it let me learn self expression, self acceptance, and what self representation looks like for others. It helped me shape my identity in private. I learned that I liked women, and that there was nothing sinful about it. It took me a while to fully process these feelings, where I would have been rejected by my first crush on a girl in 8th grade and I would end up being forced to come out to my parents by senior year of high school. As of 2024, I identify as a bisexual woman. I go by she/they pronouns because I am comfortable being referred to not just what the world perceives me as. Without Tumblr, the journey would not have started at such a crucial time in my development as a young person.

This has led me to now, asking myself many questions regarding this time in my life. During my Wandering Uterus class, where we have discussed sex education for all ages, Tumblr’s impact on my peers and I has been brought up a couple of times. I believe that I mentioned my feelings, which remain mixed. It left me wanting to pursue more information, especially because as a 22 year old woman that is still chronically online, I want to unpack moments of my character development. Plus, I have not consistently engaged with the platform since Tumblr placed a ban on pornography, specifically the nudity of AFAB people. Was Tumblr an actual safe space? What effect did Tumblr’s porn ban have on other people? What are the negatives and positives of pornography on young adults? What can we learn from Tumblr in terms of creating spaces for people to explore their sexuality and gender? How can we approach online sex education for the youth? Through reading articles discussing thoughts surrounding Tumblr’s porn ban in 2019, the effects of pornography on young adults, and how to approach sex education, I will be learning about the appeal of the platform and how it affected the NSFW and LGBT communities.

When approaching the start of my research, I wanted to learn the specifics about the infamous Tumblr porn ban in 2019. In 2013, Tumblr was sold for $1.1 billion and in 2019, not long after the ban, it was sold for less than $3 million (McNicholl). The web traffic for the site from October 2018 to April 2019 went from 558 million to 376 million globally. This means their traffic dropped to 30% in the months after the ban and crashing down 40% over the next three years. Clearly, the ban saw a massive loss of followers from leaving the platform. This was despite of the app’s return onto the Apple App Store in December 2018. Tumblr was removed from the App Store in November 2018 because child pornography appeared on the site (FastCompany), which was “immediately removed”. Indonesia banned Tumblr because of the existence of pornography (Electronic Frontier Foundation).

In July 2018, there were “a set of controversial bills” that were signed by Trump (during his term as POTUS) intended to aide with cutting down on illegal online sex trafficking. There are two bills, “the House bill known as FOSTA, the Fight Online Sex Trafficking Act, and the Senate bill, SESTA, the Stop Enabling Sex Traffickers Act.” The perspectives of this bill are split, either receiving praise from advocates seeing this as a victory for victims of sex trafficking (Romano) or critiquing it as, “is anti-sex trafficking in theory, but in practice has only led to a single trafficker prosecution in its first three years” and it has been specified as the reason tech companies have been kicking off “consenting online sex workers off their site”. Tumblr’s Director of Platform Engineering David Galbraith negates the bill having an impact on the site’s decision to ban sexually explicit content, "The sole reason these changes are being made on our iOS app is to be more compliant with Apple's App Store Guidelines related to content they classify as 'objectionable,'"(Iovine).

The term objectionable cannot be perceived objectively in this instance, according to Maggie MacDonald, a Ph.D. student at the University of Toronto researching pornography platforms, “It's a very slippery slope, because 'objectionable' can apply to, like, a snuff film…but it can also just apply to almost anything sexual. But it doesn't apply to all things sexual,” The perception of what’s objectionable relies on perspective. For example, there are plenty of misogynistic, homophobic, racist posts online, but it will never be permanently removed because they won’t be perceived as ‘objectionable’ by the white straight men who finance and own these companies. Instead of Tumblr responding to the backlash with instilling changes within the company, they threw a “blanket” ban on sex and nudity over the whole site. Using a filter tool that is ‘over-inclusive’ would end up flagging content that is ‘acceptable’ (Iovine). The company never admitted to what caused their decision, but we can assume that those decisions had something to do with it.

Tumblr’s porn ban could be perceived as an example of how content moderation is handled by these platforms. How does the platform’s decision making shape our social and cultural norms? Well, “content moderation is not standardized and lacks federal oversight,” which I am aware that this is due to social media companies not seeking out a way to moderate content without having to take accountability for their user’s words. Using an automated system to police content puts many online marginalized communities at risk of erasure (Duguay). Because of the Tumblr porn ban, the queer and sex positive communities were left to fend for themselves and find another online space to call home, which has been named “digital nomadism” (McNicoll).

The safer alternative platforms that were created after the Tumblr blanket ban include newTumbl, Cumblr, xstumbl, Sharesome, BDSMLR, and Pillowfort. What made them an alternative to Tumblr? Well, some of these websites created a similar homepage interface and allowed you to import old Tumblr blogs. But they would never reach the peak of Tumblr’s popularity due to their lack of high website visits numbers and their offhand approach to offensive speech on their platforms. For example, a blog called EroticPatriarchy on BDSMLR titled posts with “happy girls know their place” and “Being (g)raped made me support the patriarchy more”(FastCompany). When the average American thinks of where they could find online porn, the most famous option is Pornhub, but this platform is not a safe space for queer people. The ban was the cause for several ethical feminist porn websites, which began to rise in popularity, despite charging a fee for access to their content. Websites like these celebrate consensual sex, inclusivity, gender equality, and body positivity which is not the case for main audience of Pornhub (McNicoll).

The porn ban echoed a downward spiral into online censorship, which aimed to protect marginalized groups but ended up over-policing and hurting many others. This would ruin the organic and special communities that had grown on Tumblr (McNicoll). This loss of home gives these communities no choice but to relocate to porn sites that are not designed with diverse sexuality and gender identities in mind. These temporary homes are not safe, where they are more likely to encounter stigmatized, stereotypical and demeaning representations of women and transgender people (Duguay).

A term that applied to Tumblr was the “queer ecosystem”, coined by Alexander Cho, from UC Irvine, defined as a space that “users circulate porn, flirt, provide support to deal with homophobia as well as advice on coming out…”. Cho found that Tumblr was preferred by queer youth of color as the platform for sharing intimate and personal content. This is compared to Facebook, the original social media platform, that is perceived as the space of “default publicness” (Duguay). Writer and Tumblr user Jonno Revanche said it gave access to “social connections that are otherwise unavailable due to geographic isolation and social anxiety” (Byron). Without Tumblr’s allowance of porn, there is a lack of safe space for queer youth of color to explore their sexuality and gender identity; causing the available depictions of the “alternative sexuality” become “frequently rendered invisible” (Duguay). The “alternative sexuality” consisted of not just LGBTQ porn, but tattooed porn, fetish porn, or fan edits of your favorite characters with their moments of potential sexual tension (Iovine).

Considering all of this information, we need to recognize both sides of the coin. The general stance towards the exposure or exploration of pornography for young adults is not accepted. This is not to say that they are not valid reasons for protecting your children from content that is not moderated efficiently. I decided to seek out research that explained the negative and positive effects of pornography on young adults, and I came up with answers for both sides of the coin.

The American College of Pediatricians published an article in June 2016 titled “The Impact of Pornography on Children”. They claim that the consumption of pornography is linked to “many negative emotional, psychological, and physical health outcomes”. The list of outcomes includes high rates of depression, anxiety, misbehavior (violent behavior), early sexual activity, sexual promiscuity, high risk of teen pregnancy, and a distorted view of heterosexual relationships. Clearly, this article is only considering the argued majority of the population’s sexual orientation. The points they made against pornography use by the youth are charged with the moral beliefs that are carried through sexual health education in the United States. They state this use “often leads to a distorted view of sexuality and its role in fostering healthy personal relationships”, with distortions like amplification of the popularity of sexual activity in the community, the belief that sexual promiscuity is normal and that sexual abstinence is unhealthy. They conclude with saying that these views will cause more difficulty for young people to create and maintain long-lasting, meaningful relationships with the opposite sex which leads to the negative outcomes mentioned previously, along with “overall life dissatisfaction”. Although I understand that pornography does not guarantee positive experiences for everyone, I would encourage that instead of dismissing pornography for its potential negative impact, that we recognize its positive impacts and learn what this could mean for online sex education (Perry).

From the National Library of Medicine is an article titled “Pornography use among adolescents and the role of primary care” which discusses the impact of pornography on sexual health development in adolescents and the role that primary care providers (PCPs) in evaluating the use and providing sexual health education. They explain that although the perception of the consumption of porn by adolescents are viewed negatively, the reality of the matter is more complex. Studies have been affected by the “methodological challenges and cultural bias” that are constantly laced in them, producing research that is “based on correlations, not causations, limiting conclusions that can be drawn from the findings” . They stated that pornography may help adolescents’ sexual development and in turn enhance their sexual relationships and knowledge, working as an educational tool as well as a tool for sexual gratification and an leisure activity. They refer to one study found that when questioning individuals on their opinion of how pornography impacted them, respondents said that it helped them with their sexual confidence because of the exposure to sexual acts that they would not have considered otherwise. Moreover, pornography allowed for experimentation with sexual attraction which is helpful with the identification of sexual orientation and gender identity. The demonstration of sexual acts taught these individuals what they were, increasing their sexual self-confidence. From what I have experienced and what I have found during my research into the communities affected by the blanket ban, I believe that this is what Tumblr provided for LGBTQ youth on the site.

This article proposes a way for primary care providers (PCPs) to intervene in their patient’s sexual health and sexual education. They explain that the exploration of the motivation for pornography use may help PCPs and caregivers to assess their adolescents’ psychosocial needs. They recognize the negative effects, such as the adolescent having a “more advanced pubertal development, minimal caregiver supervision and emotional connection, family conflict, and behavioral problems” and “may engage in pornography use as a way to seek relational or sexual connectedness and/or comfort without any emotional commitment, reducing any fears of rejection or abandonment.” These are valid issues for young adults that can be discovered and addressed through primary care. They found another study found that youth seeking pornography could be used to increase their sense of belonging and decrease feelings of loneliness, as well as to help manage feelings of emotional stress, discomfort, and boredom.

They encourage PCPs to include screening youth for pornography viewing into their regular routine in adolescent health care. With these actions, PCPs could normalize the conversation around sexual health and how it is a form of self-care as a way to reduce feelings of shame around discussing pornography usage. Primary care providers could offer guidance and provide accurate and reliable information. They prefer seeking help from a primary care provider to using the internet for help. This is something that I understand where both sides are coming from, but I believe that in order for primary care providers to be successful in their sexual education, they would need to be well-versed in not just heterosexual sex but in various ways of pleasuring bodies. That is one thing that many primary care providers lack, and it’s the reason why Tumblr was so successful in the first place. Because of the lack of safe spaces in clinical and educational settings, the youth turn to the internet to avoid the shame or confusion they potentially feel towards their own sexual desires (Jhe).

After examining the negative and positive impacts of porn, I want to tie it back into Tumblr. In November 2022, Tumblr announced that they would be allowing nudity back on their website again, in order to “welcome a broader range of expression, creativity, and art on Tumblr, including content depicting the human form (yes, that includes the naked human form)”. But, they also warned that “visual depictions of sexually explicit acts” still remain banned on the platform. So what does this mean for the communities that were forced off the platform because of the ban? Should they return, despite their previous exclusion from a platform that was dominated by them a decade ago? Tumblr CEO, Matt Mullenweg has emphasized that “the casually porn-friendly era of the early internet is currently impossible.” One can argue that this is the right step in the direction of permitting “a more broader range of expression” on the site and returning to the “old Tumblr” (McNicoll). Is the allowance of nudity on the platform enough for Tumblr to return back to its height in preference from the LGBTQ youth?

sources:

“After Tumblr’s NSFW Ban, These Adult Communities Have Come out on Top.” FastCompany, 4 June 2019, www.fastcompany.com/90358305/six-months-after-tumblrs-nsfw-ban-these-kink-communities-are-coming-out-on-top.

Byron, Paul, and Brady Robards. “There’s Something Queer about Tumblr.” The Conversation, 26 Feb. 2024, theconversation.com/theres-something-queer-about-tumblr-73520.

Duguay, Stefanie. “Why Tumblr’s Ban on Adult Content Is Bad for LGBTQ Youth.” The Conversation, 2 May 2024, theconversation.com/why-tumblrs-ban-on-adult-content-is-bad-for-lgbtq-youth-108215.

Iovine, Anna. “The Death of Tumblr Porn Left a Void No Other Site Can Fill.” Mashable, Mashable, 20 Apr. 2022, mashable.com/article/tumblr-adult-content-ban.

Jhe, Grace B, et al. “Pornography Use among Adolescents and the Role of Primary Care.” Family Medicine and Community Health, U.S. National Library of Medicine, Jan. 2023, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9853222/#s3title.

McNicoll, Kayla. “Years on from Tumblr’s Infamous Porn Ban, Where Have Those NSFW Communities Gone?” Happy Mag, 12 Dec. 2022, happymag.tv/tumblr-porn/.

Perry, L. David. “The Impact of Pornography on Children.” American College of Pediatricians, June 2016, acpeds.org/position-statements/the-impact-of-pornography-on-children.

Romano, Aja. “A New Law Intended to Curb Sex Trafficking Threatens the Future of the Internet as We Know It.” Vox, 13 Apr. 2018, www.vox.com/culture/2018/4/13/17172762/fosta-sesta-backpage-230-internet-freedom.

“What Tumblr’s Ban on ‘adult Content’ Actually Did.” Electronic Frontier Foundation, 20 May 2019, www.eff.org/tossedout/tumblr-ban-adult-content.

[cisthehuman]

CisLunar Dev Blog #1: Lunar

Howdy!

The first of many Dev Blogs on the projects I'm working on. This is all focused on CisLunar, my streaming/vtuber/pngtuber lore and storyline.

I got into the vtuber world maybe a year and a half ago. First it was me just trying to understand this new niche form of entertainment, which really blew up since then I feel, and now I'm a fan. As someone who wants to share something without actually showing my face, I really wanted to try it out!

With that being said, as someone who was raised to make every project/assignment the best, it's taken some time for me to get everything together. I also don't have that much disposable income (at the time i first started developing this, i was paying my way through grad school) so I know I don't have the fastest internet/best specs for streaming.

But! My computer doesn't mind a little bit of drawing streams here and there! So I hope to make some fun drawings on stream~

With that said, I noticed that a lot of vtubers create a persona that may or may not be similar to them. The lores of some of the characters they have can be quite extensive. As someone who enjoys creating a new world, I thought it would be cool to make my own little world.

Let's start with some characters shall we? This post will go over one of the titular characters: Lunar!

*EYESTRAIN WARNING*

Lunar Sun

Age: 30

She/They

Chaotic Good

A mischievous radio host who plays the newest & hottest music on Planet GJ504b. Underneath their fun day job, she uses her connections and gossip loving nature as an informant in the underworld. While she used to freelance her services, she now only works for the Nebula Mafia Family. Her boyfriend, the Nebula mafia don's son, is her usual customer.

When first creating Lunar, I was actually going to go the full Vtuber route when I decided to take a stab at streaming part time. Her first iteration came from a Halloween design challenge i gave myself the previous year.

Fun fact: her skin tone is actually color picked from mine! I wanted her to be a reflection of me, so I decided to keep the mushroom hairstyle I drew as I used to rock a very good mushroom/pageboy haircut when I was younger.

Soon after I decided to change up her look. You see I tried to go in the class vtuber design route--cutouts and asymmetry. I then wanted to change her hair length as well. I wanted to get her away from being too similar to me and into her own person. At one point I thought this was the perfect length, but I liked swoop I gave it.

After a couple of passes of her clothes, it was then I liked the idea of giving her a catsuit with tiger stripes. I went through different color ways hoping to keep up with a certain identity color scheme, (two of the colors are featured in their eyes), but I rather liked the combination of these bright colors. This is where her playful personality began to take shape in my head. The bright colors of her clothes reflected her zany personality.

And thus her yr 1 design was born! I used it for the first year I started streaming! At this point, her story was pretty messy as I knew I wanted her to be an informant. I didn't think too much about it, as I just wanted to make things so I can began dipping my toe into streaming.

After a year however, I believed I could push myself and redesign Lunar. While I liked the concept of her design, I thought it was a bit bland. As character from outer space, something about her seemed very regular to me for some reason lol

Due to school, my poor internet, and my own mental health, I couldn't stream much and often. I set a goal for myself to use the next time I began streaming, I would put more creativity in Lunar and the world she resides in. The first step was redesigning her.

First I thought maybe I could keep the catsuit and do a different style of cut and change the colors. While I liked the monochromatic idea of the pattern, the clothes was still not hitting it for me. I then thought about giving her more skin. I was getting on the right track!

After more trials and doodles, I finally made a good design! It is reminiscent of her original design, but a bit more in line with her character. I was so happy with this design that I decided to give her more outfits for me to choose from. I like to think she has a massive closet. She has some style rules though: arms covered, prefers to show off their belly button, always wears shades.

I actually started on some illustrations! I'll finish them at some point lol

And that's it!

I'll touch more on her story when I discuss the Stream Lore a little bit later! Thank you for reading~

[the-soliloquies-of-sadists]

#255

This is a direct follow up to #35.

“Glad to see you make it up here ok. I’m Robert, and you are?... Eddie. Good to meet you. Did you enjoy the drive? It really is nice. That’s part of the reason why I live up here. We don’t get many clients that come up here. Most order on line, but you are the first of the season. I reviewed your e-mail again and I think I have a selection of rimchairs for you. It would help me to narrow down your selections more if you answer some additional questions….

“Here, let’s go into the workshop. So, is this going to be a chair for you? Good. Are you the ass or the ass eater? Will you ever go underneath it?... No? Ok. Don’t worry, the only time I go under mine is to work on it.... Women, men, or both?... Women. Is this part of a S&M or kink situation?... That’s fine. It’s very rare for me to find someone willing to spend all this money for the sensual aspects of eating ass. Did you bring a slave woman with you? That’s fine. Most straight men don’t….

“No, I prefer fags under mine; is that going to be an issue here? I only ask because, I want to find the best rim chair for you, and I have a wealth of expertise I rely on. I don’t want to share my experiences with you and have it be awkward.

“Good! Good! Unless we need him, the faggot is up at the main house. That reminds me, will you be using the rim chair for full toilet activities? No… you would be surprised with just how many people are. Hell, every single dominatrix I have made a rim chair for is into it. And some of those women are fucking brutal to their slaves.

“So here let’s start with these three. The left two are designed primarily for rear entry and this third one is for the front. Me personally, I prefer my slave lying behind me when he’s attending to my shithole. His tongue seems to go in deeper and at a better angle. And I don’t have to spread my legs when he’s there. That’s one of the big difference between men and women is that women are narrower than men. It gets uncomfortable at times. For me it’s just easier with it behind me. Do you have a preference?... That’s fine. They will be designed for front and rear entries, but structurally it will be designed one way.

“It’s really all about comfort. Comfort was actually that reason that got me into making rimchairs. What I saw out there was horrible. They were rimseats. To me rimseats are different than what I make. Rimseats are essentially toilet seats on legs. The faggot lies underneath, and I would squat down. I’m a big guy and I can’t sit that low for a long time, before my legs start to cramp up, about fifteen to twenty minutes at most. The problem with making the legs longer is that the faggot underneath is then straining to keep his head buried in the crack of my ass. Either it is straining to keep its tongue buried deep, or its head can move all around. Either way, the faggot tires quickly and it’s a piss poor rimjob.

“That’s why I started with the idea of transforming regular chair designs into rimchairs. I have throne-like chairs, deck chairs, reclining chairs, dining chairs, and so on. Every one has support for the toilet lying underneath, so that multiple hour-long sessions are not a problem. I can customize it to a specific head size, as well as how far in you want the slave’s face when you sit down. Or, some of the chairs allow for adjustability. I personally like feeling my faggot’s face getting wedged in there, and then to have its mouth lined up to connect with my shithole. That is priceless. No other feeling of power compares with it. If you are into slaves that are reluctant, I can make the head spaces very restrictive. I can even create a box, measured exactly to your slave’s head where they can’t move an inch. My slave tells me that it gets very claustrophobic under it. I even designed is so that the slave places its head in the box and the hinged platform lowers with a piece going below the slave’s chin preventing the slave from pulling out from underneath until you get up off the chair and let it out.

“I see you like the casual desk chair. I have one just like it at my work desk. My faggot is under that one for hours. I can be doing work, surfing the internet, or jacking off to porn. I’m not even paying attention to the tongue fucking I’m getting. It’s just adding to the general euphoria of what I’m doing.

“You have a wife, girlfriend, bitch slave, or whatever?... Oh you have an out of state friend with benefits that likes to eat ass? From what I have learned through the years, it’s hard to find a woman into it. That’s fucking awesome.

“If you really love your butthole tongued for a long time, maybe you should get a fag, until you find the right bitch. Seriously. I had one client purchase a similar seat to that one, that he had installed in his playroom. It was up against a wall. He enclosed the sides of the chair. There was a hole in the wall that the ass eater would crawl through. It was an 18 year-old faggot from down the street, and that fag tongue fucked like no other I have ever tried out, and yeah I tried it out. The most interesting thing is that they had a set time each week when they did this. The kid came in through a dedicated entrance, and the client sat down, neither of them said a word to the other. Truly amazing.

“Go on, have a seat. I’ll have it customed to your ass and thighs so that when you are sitting, your cheeks are comfortably spread. You know, those Carhartt pants are restricting your ass and legs. You’re not getting the proper placement of your ass.

“Why don’t you take them off? Other than me and shithead up in the house, no one is going to see you. I get maybe, maybe one customer a week. When we go into the design room to take measurements, I will need you to have them off. Leaving your underwear on is better than this. Briefs, no briefs. We don’t care…. Commando? We don’t care about that either.

“Look, if you think this is my way of seducing you, let me say that I like faggot boys, not real men like yourself. I get turned on when I know a man—a real hard working man—is getting his dick, ass, and everything else taken care of at the expense of faggots. I’m not talking about gay boys. I mean faggots, boys who exist to serve a real man, to take care of that man’s needs including draining his balls, eating his ass, and so on. To a faggot, draining your cock and eating your shithole is the reason for its existence, even at the expense of its own needs. So no, I wouldn’t dream of sticking my cock in you. You can count on that.

“Don’t worry about my faggot; its tiny pecker is permanently locked away. It has been that way ever since he got here last fall. You remember that first snowstorm we had? Well right before the snowfall hit its car ran out of gas, and it got stuck. At least that was its story. I made it an offer, find someone else to help in the snowstorm, or submit to me. I’ve kept it naked, with its pecker painfully locked up in that device ever since. I’ve trained it to service my shithole for hours on end. It hasn’t cum in the five months it’s been serving me.

“Let me text it to come down here…. No, it’s no problem. Go ahead and get comfortable. Take the pants off, leave them on the table. It’s best to put your work boots back on.

“That’s a beautiful cock you have. I bet the women love it. Stop the modesty thing. You are a fucking hot man, you should relish in the adoration. Have a seat. Doesn’t that feel good on your ass? You can feel the spread, but it doesn’t feel like you are falling in? Now imagine a moist tongue darting in and out of your crack.

“And speaking of a moist tongue, here’s the fag…. Faggot! This is Sir Eddie. Get under the seat and get to work….

“No more protesting. I don’t care how dirty it is. I saw your skid marks in your pants, the fag will clean you up. He lives for shit like this. Its tongue feels good in there, doesn’t it? Don’t answer, I can see it on your face. Just relax.

“I will be over there in the design shop if you need me. Try out any of the other chairs. The faggot will do whatever you want or need to feel good. You can stay as long as you like. Even over night or throughout the rest of the weekend. The fag will take care of everything for you. It’ll eat your farts, drink your piss, throat your shaft, take a beating, or whatever. Just tell it what you want, and it will comply. By the end you will understand why a faggot is better than a bitch. Make me a good enough offer, and I may throw the faggot in.”

[hanazou]

hi! i see an author writes for the DOA, and i absolutely go bonkers. could you please write some HCs (or whatever's most convenient) about Nikolai and/or Sigma teaching someone how to tie their shoes? please i know it sounds so odd but i STILL don't know how to tie shoes. thank you!

𝙣𝙞𝙠𝙤𝙡𝙖𝙞 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙞𝙜𝙢𝙖 𝙩𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙞𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙚𝙡𝙖𝙘𝙚𝙨

Book : Nikolai | Sigma

Genre : Fluff, (implied) romance

Shelf : Leather-bound

Note : You absolutely can, dearie! I thought about making scenarios instead but I think it's more fun to make them hcs hehe 💗 i hope u enjoy! feel free to request another if u don't 👌🏻

Nikolai isn’t aware of your inability to tie shoe laces but he does notice how you always wear the type of shoes without laces since he’s secretly perceptive. He notices the variety of colours of your shoes for the day (it’s a habit of his because he pays close attention to his own clothes), things like that, and doesn’t make a big deal out of it.

Because he’s a playful fellow, jumping around here and there (quite literally), you have to be physically active to be around him, meaning you have to move (run) a lot which leads to the subject of your inability to be mentioned sooner or later.

When he thinks about it, he notices that you wear various types of shoes but never running shoes with laces, which he thinks is the best type for you to wear if you’re with him. You can’t keep wearing impractical shoes like loafers, heels, or even slippers if you want to keep up with his… terrorism antics.

“You can’t keep up with me with those shoes forever, dove!” Nikolai pulls both your hands while walking backwards so he can keep seeing your face. You tell him there aren’t any other shoes around there you can easily change into, and he offers the solution.

“Absolutely no problem!” Nikolai activates his Overcoat, dips his hand into the empty space, and takes out a pair of running shoes, hanging from his grip by the laces. “Here you go!”

While you hesitantly accept the brand new running shoes you’re sure he stole from somewhere, you admit that you don’t know how to tie the laces, which also explains why you never wear this type of shoes. Nikolai sees no problem with that and instead sees this as a fun opportunity to teach you something new.

To him, it feels like teaching a kid, which makes him feel elated because it fits his youthful personality. 

“You should’ve told Gogol! I can teach you how!” He takes the shoes from you and gets on his knees. “Step out of your shoes for a while!”

Maybe too elated. He’s so enthusiastic about it that when he teaches you, his rambles would be a little too fast for you to keep up. Nikolai also uses magic show analogies, such as saying that the loops are bunny ears.

Nikolai teaches you a lot of hacks and styles he knows of, sometimes rambling off topic about how he discovered each of them, and then getting back on track with an “Oops! So, back to what I was saying~”

From your perspective, looking at Nikolai from above who shrinks into a crouch who's happily yapping about how to tie shoelaces, giving his personal hacks and favourite styles here and there, makes you feel adored. The enthusiasm in his voice is unmatched.

Make sure you listen carefully because when he’s done demonstrating, he asks you to do the other one yourself. When you kneel down to redo what he did while muttering his explanation, mentioning the same analogies, Nikolai watches you with hands on his cheeks and a big smile on your face as if he’s a child admiring his favourite TV show.

If you’re hesitant in the steps or forget how to do it halfway, he takes the initiative to help you by holding your hands in his to guide you, making sure that you’re following just fine.

When you get to the last step, which is to knot the loops, he tests you. “Pop quiz! What comes after making the bunny ears?” If you get the answer right, Nikolai would be so happy that you actually listen to him.

“Ding Ding, correct!”

After you finish tying it, Nikolai attacks you in a huge hug, pushing you off your feet till you roll on your back on the ground. “Aren’t you a fast learner? It’s so fun watching my own bunny tie a bunny ear knot! If you forget next time, ask Gogol to teach you!”

Bonus: if you start to wear shoes with laces around him more often, this sneaky clown will definitely try to trip you by stepping on the lace.

It’s the little things like this that he enjoys before finally achieving true freedom.

Sigma, although very perceptive and observant, is a busy man on a daily basis. He may notice what kind of shoes you wear daily since it’s his habit from running Sky Casino to observe everything, but he doesn’t really connect the dots on why you never wear shoes with laces.

After carefully choosing his words, he politely asks if the reason you never wear shoes with laces is because of financial problems, which he explains is something he can assist with.

“Or maybe it’s because you don’t like that kind of shoes?” Sigma thumbed his chin. “They’re usually flexible and comfortable to wear though,”

When you explain to him that it’s because you don’t know how to tie the laces, he nods slowly, processing your answer. Unlike Nikolai who sees this as an opportunity to have some fun with you, Sigma bears no particular opinion. Since he’s still a man who’s still learning about this world, he sees your inability as another normal thing that just, happens, with some people. If anything, he sees this as a chance to learn more about how people have diverse colourful aspects to them.

One day, he invites you over to his office and asks you to sit down, presenting a box of brand new laced shoes to you.

“I hope you don’t find this offensive, but if you’d like, I can teach you how to tie your shoelaces.” He scratches his cheek, nervously smiling. He’s hoping for you to say yes, and boy do those shoes look expensive.

Remember when I said Sigma doesn’t have any opinion about this? Maybe he does, and he only realized it when carefully picking those shoes for you. He’s looking forward and even was excited to teach you something he knows, since assisting those precious to him is what gives him a reason for existing.

If you agree to let him demonstrate how, Sigma kneels in front of you, posing like a prince from a children’s story, and places your heel on his thigh so you can perfectly see how it’s done from your seat (he’s a gentleman I love him).

Sigma teaches you the most straightforward shoelace tying method he knows, uses his most gentle voice, and makes sure you can keep up with his explanation and demonstration by occasionally asking if you’re still following.

He offers to teach more tricks and tips he learned from the internet when he first tried to learn tying his own laces. When he does this, his speech speeds up a bit and his smile grows, mirroring his enthusiasm.

Sigma secretly wants you to ask more things. Sigma has memorized the types of shoes with laces his customer in Sky Casino wears, why they wear that type, what kind of model fits certain types of people, and he’s excited to share his knowledge with you.

He makes sure that the knots on your new shoes are tightly done but not too strong around your foot.

“I made sure the size fits your feet before buying them, I hope your feet aren't hurting.” He fidgets.

Sigma asks if you’d like to tie the other one yourself or if you want him to repeat it. If you want to do it, he watches you and kindly offers corrections if you did a step wrong. If you want him to repeat his example, he’d be more than happy to.

Bonus: If you wear the shoes Sigma gifts you around Sky Casino, he’ll subtly blush and ask if they’re comfortable to wear (they better be, since he was careful in picking that pair) and whether you’re happy with how they look.

📜 ; like what you read? visit my bookshop!

[horce-divorce]

hey, you. yes you. follower, mutual, mutual-in-law, other tumblr comrades hiding here amid the last bastion of the aughties internet. do you hate and resent social media? does it give you anxiety to visit Facebook or Twitter, leaving your desire to feel connected left unsatisfied? do you long for the days of yore when we used to log onto some obscure forum and roleplay our OCs seemingly without a care in the world?

ok so like.... wanna come hang out w me on my forum w me???

yeah it ain't much right now, but hear me out.

for years social media has had a chokehold on the internet, and it got REAL hard to have your own unique space that wasn't contained within some bigger network. i get it; i also haven't left facebook, despite my posturing and threats, because noobody else did, either, and I wanted to stay in touch with them.

but proboards still exists. it has this whole time. neocities now also exists. the web revival is small but happening, and people ARE finally leaving social media, for better or worse-- some cutting off digital connections entirely rather than just finding different ways of connecting.

if we want to keep (or reintroduce) those elements of web 1.0 that we long for-- the customization/involvement in web dev, the community elements, the organization without algorithm, the charm of it all-- we have to be the ones to preserve that, and like... we can! we can just do that, friends. we literally have the ability right now. here it is. you miss forums, you say?? yet, will you not post on one???

so far there is no real guideline for this forum so don't worry about that. i made it for me and my friends so we can still have somewhere to chat if they're in FB jail or whatever. there's no other goal or unifying criteria. most of my friends are queer and disabled, so you'll wanna be able to get along w queer disabled folks, but you don't have to be one yourself. you dont even have to be my friend already, getting to know each other is kinda the whole point! and maybe it'll change, maybe if people actually come hang out w me the concept will solidify or we'll come up with a solid theme, or a new name or something. that'd be great cus I kinda hate that we called it the common room now, i wish it was something less ... british sounding :-) lmfao but w/e. im not gonna make a new one unless anyone is actually talking to me. or if I think of a good name myself maybe idk. we'll see

i'm honestly down for whatever, I am just so tired of seeing so many people agree that we all miss forums, and no one doing anything about it. considering a) proboards has been here the whole time and b) we all hate social media vocally and c) some of us are even like "I Loved forums! I miss them! why are they not a thing!" well!! that's kind of on us? they ARE a thing! so why did we stop using them? IDK! join mine and make it A Thing again!!!

or better yet, make your own!! if you hate my lack of direction, you can just do that instead!!! make the epic ATLA RP forum you always wanted to!!! live your damn life!!! YOLO and corporations are stealing your time and life force away, learn bbcode while you still can!!!!!!

⭐ J O I N M E.... it'll probably be boring but in a more chill and positive way than social media <3 ⭐

[orbitariums]

𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐢𝐥𝐦 | 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 | 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬 (𝟐)

part one

hi everyone, thank you sososososooooo much for all the outreach, i really appreciate it!!! i may be making a second taglist, so look out for that if you didn’t get a chance to be added to the first one (tumblr has a tag limit but there r ways to work around it, that’s why i had a limit as well!!)

thank u for reading!! stay safe <3

taglist is closed!

playlist

word count: 7.3k

warnings: age gap, sex work, smut, dirty talk 

𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐢𝐥𝐦 | 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐭𝐰𝐨: 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 | 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬

    Steve had never slept so well. He woke up that morning feeling like a brand new person. Rather than obsess over the meticulous, filthy details of the chat, which he knew would make him squirm now that he wasn't in the moment, he recalled the pleasure he felt and the relief he felt when he had finished. He thought about the connection he had made with you, how much he wanted to talk to you again, wanted to try another private session.

    But of course he thought about the sexual aspect of it. How could he not? He had cyber sex with a stranger, a stranger who made him come twice in the span of half an hour. A stranger who he was incredibly attracted to, both physically and personality wise. He found it hard to grasp that you were so comfortable revealing yourself in such an intimate way to strangers online, especially the way you had last night.

     And he admired it, even though it was so new to him. Because surprisingly, although he was the Captain America, quite literally the face of America, he could never be as bold as you -- sure, he had shared himself with you, but he was in his comfort zone and this was new to him.

        You on the other hand, shared yourself with thousands of strangers every night. Morally, he wanted to question it - he grew up in a very conservative time period. But he couldn't, because he had taken part in it and he had so much respect for what you did... it took courage. He understood the whole female liberation thing and the fact that you were taking control of your own body. So, he loved this for you, and for everyone else who did this kind of work.

    So the morning after that rare night, he found himself thinking only of you. In the shower, while he ran his fingers through his hair and closed his eyes, he got flashbacks to the way your robe opened as you slowly revealed your body. He felt himself get hard again, though this time he could find temporary release with just his hands, pumping himself to quick and easy release in the heat of his hot shower, throwing his head back and picturing your lips replacing his hands as he shut his eyes.

      At briefings that morning, everyone noticed Steve's change in spirit. He was less antsy, less to himself. He even smiled a few times, even looked better, like he had actually slept. It was like a few months worth of stress and an urge for intimacy had been lifted off his shoulders.

    "You look great Steve. Did you take my advice?" Tony asked after the briefing was over.

By the look on Tony's face, he already knew the answer to that question. Of course he hadn't heard Steve, the walls were soundproof (and for good reason, because if they weren't, he probably would've disturbed the whole tower), but he could sense it in how different he was acting.

    "What advice?" Natasha looked over her shoulder, curious to know.

    "Oh nothing, just guy stuff," Tony flipped his hand dismissively, and Natasha raised her brows,

    "Do I even wanna know?"

Before Steve could answer, his cheeks getting red at the idea of getting found out, Tony replied with quickness,

    "Last time I checked, I was just talking to Steve."

    "Carry on with your very important, top secret conversation," Natasha joked, narrowing her eyes curiously at Steve and Tony before leaving the room.

    "So. How was it?" Tony grinned, leaning in excitedly as he propped his legs up on the table.

     Steve went silent for a few moments, a serious look on his face before he broke out into a relaxed grin,

    "Honestly? It was amazing."

    Tony slammed his hand down on the table in victory, a big grin taking over his features,

    "Yes! That's what I'm talking about! I was hoping you'd enjoy it. I thought you might be a little prudish about it."

    Steve ignored the offhand comment and just chose to focus on the positive, nodding slowly and folding his arms over his chest,

    "I gotta thank you Stark. It definitely wasn't something I'd expect to be my thing, but I guess you learn something new about yourself everyday."

Steve surprised himself with that comment. Stark was actually right. Steve would've never in a million years thought he could be someone that would take part in anything revolving around cam girls, much less the action of masturbating with someone he hardly knew. He didn't even know it was a thing to begin with. He was both shocked, and a little anticipatory to see that he was actually learning new things about himself. He didn't expect that from him.

    "My pleasure Steve, I take pride in my work," Tony replied, referring to his "therapy." A beat passed, and Tony exchanged an expectant look with Steve, who replied with a confused face, eyebrows furrowed together.

    "What?" he asked, and Tony wiggled his eyebrows up and down.

    "You know..."

    "I don't," Steve responded, raising a questioning brow. Tony rolled his eyes and sighed in defeat,

    "The girl, genius. How was she? Who was she? What'd you do? All the details, my friend."

    Steve gulped. He had been thinking of you all morning, but he hadn't spoken about you yet, and he was kind of glad he had someone to share the details with. Out of respect for you, he didn't want to get too descriptive, but he would at least share his feelings about you.

    "Well, she was real sweet. Calls herself Moonrose Haze, such a pretty name. She's gorgeous, really enjoys what she does, which I liked about her. I really like her, you know? I think we had a real connection. I've been thinking about her."

    "Yeah well, don't get too attached. You know how that can go," Tony patted Steve's shoulder, and he nodded understandingly.

    Of course he knew that he couldn't get too attached. It could be dangerous for both you and him. For starters, you didn't know who he was for real, and he didn't need you knowing. And because he didn't know you in real life, he didn't want to get hung up on you. He already didn't have time for an actual relationship, bringing the internet into it would be a whole different thing.

    He didn't want to get too sucked into it, he didn't want to be brainwashed into feeling strongly for you before he really knew you. But he didn't feel that way at all right now - right now it was more of a feeling that he was glad to know you, glad to have made the connection he made with you. He liked you, and you were on his mind, but he wasn't obsessed, wasn't unable to think straight. He just felt nice and warm inside, that's all. It wasn't anything serious, not yet.

    "Yeah, I know. It's nothing to be worried about. I'm just glad to have met her, you know? She's so charismatic and hard working, she works two jobs outside of this one. I really like her personality. And we—" Steve cut himself off, starting to blush, unable to hide it on his fair cheeks.

     Tony leaned forward, knowing this would include the gritty details,

   "What?"

    "We..." Steve looked down as to avoid eye contact with Tony, who chased it even while Steve stared down at his shoes. "We - well - she... helped me." Steve cleared his throat, feeling embarrassed to bring up the memories that made his entire body feel as if it were on fire. He continued, "Helped me, you know... (he lowered his voice here) get off."

     "Yowza!" Tony hooted, and Steve's face could never be more red. "Steve, you truly surprise me everyday."

    "It wasn't like anything I've ever experienced before," Steve said, a bit more composed now. "I mean, it was- it was... she was incredible. I know she's a performer, but it felt so real, so intimate. And I think she enjoyed it too."

    "Wait, don't tell me she joined in on the fun," Tony raised his eyebrows, genuinely surprised, and Steve's head jerked up as he realized he had sort of revealed more details than he'd meant to.

    "Well, we-" he began stammering, but Tony just cut him off with an impressed smile.

    "My god. I would never expect it from you! Honestly, I'm proud of ya, Cap. You seem to be feeling much better now."

    "I do," Steve answered with finality, and Tony nodded.

    "Glad to see I could be of assistance. You can always come to me for these type of things you know. I've got all kinds of tricks up my sleeve."

Sure he does, Steve thought, watching as Tony walked out of the room. Now he was thinking of you once more - specifically when he would see you again.

                                                                                                                   ✺ ✺ ✺

    You started out your day not so different from Steve. You had great sleep that night, thanks to the powerful orgasm that practically lulled you to sleep, and thanks to meeting Steve. You liked him, too, thought about him with a smile on your face. You were in your apartment, a cheap, shabby apartment which you refurbished to your heart's delight, decorating with new furniture and plants however you could.

    It wasn't the most luxurious space, but at least it was yours. And it was what you could afford living on your own in California, where you were from, and paying partially for your schooling. You made good money as a cam girl, but most of that went towards school and your clothing business. You were a busy woman.

    As you logged on to girlsonfilm.com that morning to check stats and messages, you were met with memories from the night before. It was hot, sure, but you really, really liked Steve. You had lovely connections with some of your customers, but something about Steve was different. He was new, and almost naive, and had a personality you found adorable. He was mature and appropriate, and you liked that about him.

   As always, you were careful. Being a cam girl meant you had to be safe and smart. With Steve, you felt secure enough, but you were always careful with new customers. Once again, it wasn't anything serious... yet. Still, you felt a little lighter on your feet throughout that day.

     You were usually in good spirits, outgoing, determined and smiling, but today you just seemed a bit - lighter. Less worried about certain things like finances or your multiple jobs. It was your best friend, Aaliyah, who noticed the change in your demeanor. She tapped you on the shoulder as you sat in your last class of the day, which was at noon.

    "Yeah?" you asked, turning your head towards her - you had been sort of looking out into the distance beforehand, thinking all those happy thoughts that stemmed from last night with Steve.

    "Earth to YN? What's up with you, you're all... dreamy," Aaliyah hissed urgently, wanting to know everything.

     You laughed, looking down at your desk and bringing your arms together, shrugging your shoulders up and down,

    "Dude, relax. I just had really good sleep, I'm in a good mood."

    "Bitch. I know you're lying, you're my best friend of seven years and you think I can't tell when you're lying? Who has you looking so incredibly happy right now? I need to know so I can threaten them if they ever hurt you!"

     "Okay, the fact that you're already assuming it's a person is amazing," you chuckled, turning to face her, pushing your hair from your eyes.

Aaliyah knew how you felt about relationships - you weren't exactly looking for one as you were so busy to begin with, and you'd had bad experiences in the past. You pretended like they didn't hinder you, but pretending only worked for so long. But Aaliyah was always the first to ask about your relationship life anyway - she wanted to see you with somebody who would treat you right, the way you deserved.

    "Well? Is it?" Aaliyah prodded.

    "No," you shook your head a bit too strongly for Aaliyah to be convinced, and couldn't help but break into laughter at the way she glared at you, eyes narrowed and arms folded across her chest. "Okay, okay. I may or not have done a private session last night."

    "Mhm," Aaliyah lowered her voice - she was the only person who knew of your secret job, and she took your privacy very seriously.

    "Anddd, I may or may not have met a new customer," you continued slowly, Aaliyah repeating her hums. "And, we may or may not have... had sex? I don't know, it was - virtual, completely online."

    "But, you do this often," Aaliyah replied, not understanding the depth of the situation because you often engaged in sexual acts for or with your customers in private sessions.

    "Yes, but this time it was different. I felt like... I dunno, like my whole body was on fire. I felt like I was totally in control, and you know, I'm in control other times, but this guy didn't really know what he wanted, so I took the lead. And it was fucking great, I kid you not, I was shaking afterwards. It all just felt so visceral and so fucking real and so, so hot. And... it felt intimate."

     "Woah, woah, woah, this is sensory overload right now," Aaliyah raised her brows, impressed with the story and with the person you were talking about. "Intimate how?"

    "Like, I just felt really safe and connected with him. I was nervous, I wanted to keep him. I wanted to talk to him again. He was so polite and mature and so... just nice. Oh my god, and he tipped me like, hundreds. He was extremely generous."

    Aaliyah was nodding, even more impressed,

   "That's what I like to hear! What's his name? What'd he look like?"

    "His name's Steve. And, I dunno what he looked like, he had his camera off. Probably some white dude, but honestly he was very handsome sounding. So like, a handsome white dude."

You sensed a shift in Aaliyah's nature, and looked over to her.

     "What?" you whined.

    "This man couldn't even turn his camera on while you were popping pussy for him? Yet y'all had an intimate connection?" she raised her eyebrows, very straightforward.

You pouted,

     "Intimacy doesn't always have to have rules. I get a lot of customers who don't show their face. I'm sure he has his reasons. Besides, it was nice not to have a dick shoved into the camera for once."

The both of you chortled at that, but then Aaliyah went back to business.

   "No camera on? He's married with kids."

    You made a face and frowned, a crease showing up at your forehead,

    "Don't say that! I like him."

     Aaliyah let up a little, because she knew you were being serious, and leaned back in her chair.

    "You like him?" she asked, and you nodded, biting your lip,

    "Yeah."

    "You really like him?"

     You rolled your eyes,

    "Asshole, I don't really like him. I just, think he's cool. And I'm glad we met."

     "Okay, good to hear, 'cuz you don't know him and we don't wanna go too fast, girl. You've got options in real life," Aaliyah concluded, and you nodded,

    "It's nothing serious. I just like him, that's all. And last night was nice, that's why I feel so refreshed today. You don't have to worry about me. This isn't gonna become like the movie Her."

    "Ha," Aaliyah snorted, catching the reference. A beat of silence passed between the two of you, before you broke it suddenly by jerking your head to her to share an urgent detail you didn't want her to miss.

    "He fucking came twice!" you whispered loudly. "In the span of thirty minutes!"

Your eyes were wide and brazen, and your lips were pursed tight. Aaliyah blinked slowly, taking in the information.

    "Oh wow."

    "I know. And his moans, oh my god. And he said his dick size was three fingers long," you held up your hand and cusped the three fingers you had used - ring, middle, and index. "Literally huge!"

      "For your sake I hope it's true, if he's got you this hung up," Aaliyah smirked, and you laughed breathlessly, realizing how intense you had just gotten.

    "My fault. Don't mind me," you returned to your work now that class was getting started, but the two of you were consumed with giggle fits.

                                                           ✺ ✺ ✺

     Steve actually had put you down on his calendar - mentally, at least. He obviously couldn't drop everything just to spend time with you, but the late times of your shows and his current availability made him feel inclined to use his free time to share with you, at least that week. He almost tried to downplay how much he wanted to see you again, how anticipating he was, because it wasn't like him to feel excited, to smile to himself at the thought of anything.

     By the time you went on live again, on a Wednesday night, both you and Steve were filled to the brim with excitement. You wanted to talk again, and Steve wanted to see how you performed on a regular live. So that night, he took a shower, got tucked into bed like he had the last time, and signed on to girlsonfilm.com, which he typed into the browser with jittering hands. He was actually... excited. Something about this was giving him a taste of a feeling that was once rare.

    He typed in your name at the search bar, not even taking a second glance at the other livestreams on the screen (more because he was avoiding looking at so many naked bodies at once). You had already started by the time he came on, and you'd been awaiting his arrival.

    This time, your setup was different. You were in your "office", a small room in your apartment that served as a workspace for your clothing line, a homework/study area, and a place where you could do your work outside of school. But tonight, like many other nights, it operated as your cam room.

     It looked like a strip club, complete with glowing neon lights that shifted colors, an assortment of heels and alcohol bottles behind you, and a disco ball hanging above your head. There was even a sign on the wall behind you that read your name in fancy writing. You leaned forward on your laptop to see who had signed in, a smile reaching your saccharine, glossy lips as the name you were waiting for popped up on screen.

    "Steve!" you cooed girlishly, pushing your hair behind your ear subconsciously - you wanted him to see your face. "How are you?"

Steve, who was figuring out the chatroom, commented below in response, eager to hear your voice. A grin had made its way onto his face at the sound of your excitement to see him.

Steve - GrantRoberts

Hi. I'm great, how are you?

    You bit down on your lip, intoning,

    "Well, better now you're here! Guys, this is Steve, he's new here. Say hi."

     Steve skimmed past the comments from her devoted customers saying hello, and you continued with your show, seeming oodles happier now that Steve was on. You already gave it your all, now you would give your all and more.

Steve didn't even need you to do that much to sate him though - looking at your skimpy outfit was enough. You were dressed in a sheer, glittery white lace corset that highlighted all of your assets, with garters on your silky thighs to match.

    Then you were wearing these insanely long stripper heels, and boy did Steve have a thing for heels- you wearing them made him nearly salivate. Your lips were painted a sultry red and the rest of your makeup was dewy and glittery, with gems and glitter dust stuck to the sides of your eyes.

You looked ethereal, and the lucid background just made things even better. He was already hard upon looking at you, especially when you shimmied up close to the camera and showed your entire body, your hands running up your thighs and sides in slow motion.

    "You guys like my outfit?" you smirked, twirling slowly for the camera. "You know, I love being a dancer, but I get so lonely sometimes. All these guys coming through, but no one to really pleasure me. You know?"

    Steve swallowed hard. You were talking to everyone on the live, but looking directly into the camera, an intense look in your eyes. Tonight you were playing out the recurring strip club fantasy, which lots of your customers enjoyed - Steve was new to the whole thing, but he got the gist and story line right away. How could he not with how intensely he was focusing?

    You laughed a little, a sultry but brief laugh that made shivers run up Steve's spine. Right now, though you were glad Steve was there, you were in full work mode, pulling all the levers. You were focused, and Steve knew that you weren't only occupied with him. But he even liked that, liked your work ethic and your ferocity.

      "I guess I was just wondering if one of you were man enough to take me," you continued, starting to really pile on the dirty talk and the persona.

You kept showing different angles of your body, letting your customers admire you. You turned around, strutting slowly, one leg in front of the other, your heels hitting the ground. Steve's eyes widened at the shape of your ass as you faced the other way, head tilting as he admired your features.

He wasn't the kind of guy to worry about a girl's body type much, and he certainly didn't only focus on your body, but how could he not in this case? You were drawing attention to your every asset, and he was realizing just how much he liked them on you.

    Then you slowly twirled around, facing the camera again and lowering yourself down on your knees.  You pouted softly, as if you were feeling conflicted.

     "But, I haven't seen anyone here who's man enough to take care of me. I have needs too," you sighed, looking down at your nails, which, perfectly, were long and glittery acrylics. "Gosh, and the pay here is lousy. Some guys are so cheap, you wouldn't even believe it."

Kaching. Tokens being added left and right after you said that. You smirked, gazing into the camera for one minute, Steve catching your pixelated gaze, before you kept going. Steve added tokens as well, probably more than all that had been added in that moment. He was impressed by your strategies, and he knew that paying would make things progress.

    "I'm just so lonely and bored sometimes," you slowly removed the straps of your corset, revealing your chest. You ran your hands along the lace that was still over your breasts, licking your bottom lip. "Hmm. But I think I'll need more help to remove my top.

More tokens. More talking, more tokens. And soon enough, you had taken off the corset (garters left on, as per special request from many of your customers), and you were naked in front of the camera. Steve felt himself throbbing beneath his boxers, and stroked his length over the fabric.

    "Wow, you guys are great," you cooed. "And so much better than some of the other guys who come through here. But not good enough. Poor old me, looks like I'll have to pleasure myself, hmm?"

You wiggled your eyebrows up and down as comic relief while you opened and closed your legs very quickly, giving just a peek of what you knew they all wanted to see.

Ashton — asherw9 guyz, she clearly needs help spreading her legs. can we all do better? + 10 tokens

You giggled,

"Thank you Ashton. I really do need help spreading my legs for you, so I can get all nice and ready. So, tokens or bust."

Soon enough, you had them voting on toys to use as you went through an assortment. All of them were glass dildos with different designs. Each vote was a certain amount of tokens, and they eventually came to a consensus. Steve only voted so he could pay you, he had no idea what he actually wanted to see, nor any idea of how dildos differed from one another.

You smiled when you saw that he had voted, raising your brows at the option he had chosen,

     "Steve, you naughty boy. You wanna see me use the biggest one?" Steve blushed— he didn't know any better. But you were smiling, and reading the other options. "It looks like a lot of you wanna see me use the big one. I'll give you like, another minute to decide."

     A flood of votes came in and you read them over, smiling as you held up the biggest option.

     "This one it is!"

And there you were, giving a tease show as you danced sensually on the floor, wrapping your body around as you removed the bottom half of the corset. Soon enough, your entire body was completely revealed and you were spreading your legs open, your fingers dancing along your clit as you prepared yourself. Soft but sultry music played in the background, but all Steve could hear was the sound of your progressing pants and moans, which were soft and quiet.

     He had his hand wrapped around himself, finally out of his boxers, and he was stroking at the same pace that you were circling your clit with your fingers. He spread the precum peeking out from his tip down his erect length, pumping himself slowly as he watched you. He let out a strangled moan as you diligently slid two fingers inside of yourself, your face contorting as you felt them against your walls, reaching all the right spots.

"I'm so fucking wet," you whined, pumping your fingers in and out faster now. You were even more getting tokens and comments by the minute, Steve being the best contributor as he could with only one hand available.

He felt a hint of shame pang in his chest as he realized what he was doing — pleasuring himself online to someone who was doing the same thing for the hundreds of others watching. But in your case, it was for work. For a moment, he almost felt like a perverted loser, pumping himself to you in the dark — but he bounced back after remembering who he was, and after feeling himself throb inside his hands. He wanted to be able to enjoy himself, he shouldn't make himself feel guilty about it, so long as it was rightfully done.

You sighed loudly as you transitioned from using your fingers to the dildo.

"Guys, this thing is huge," you giggled slightly, but that giggle morphed into a pleasantly surprised moan as you began to slide it inside of you. Your slick arousal coated the toy instantly, making it much easier. Your face said it all, as did the whiny pitch in your voice. "Oh fuck."

Steve couldn't control himself. He came quickly once again, but continued stroking himself as you continued. And once again, his release felt cathartic, like he was filling in something that he had long been missing, and only you could bring him to this point. He couldn't do this himself before, not without you.

He wanted so badly to be in a private room with you, to share this moment with you and only you, where you could hear his voice and he knew the two of you were alone. But he knew this would have to do for now, his hands working his cock as he watched you thrust the dildo in and out, your moans growing louder and less contained.

    You watched the dildo disappear in and out of you, slipping in with ease because of how wet you were. The sounds it made were criminal and arousing, sounds of your slick against your walls. Your mouth fell open in an o-shape as you watched how well you took it despite its size, admiring of yourself and even more turned on, pushing it deep inside of you.

"Fuck, it feels so good, I'm so fucking wet," you whined, biting down hard on your lip, closing your previously ajar mouth.

Steve watched how well you took it with eyes that were glazed over, wishing it was him instead of a glass toy, wishing he could stretch you out and be that deep inside of you. He groaned to himself, mumbling expletives as he felt his orgasm build up.

"Oh my god, I'm close," you groaned some time later. You threw your head back, bringing your hand to your clit to assist your orgasm. You had been going at it for the past fifteen minutes, putting off your orgasms until you couldn't any longer. Steve was mesmerized, fists practically clenched around himself as you brought yourself to climax. "I want you to cum with me," you moaned. "Oh fuck, yes."

Your moans nearly became shouts as you came, toes curling in your six inch heels. You tried to grip the carpet around you, but to no avail, and you found yourself coming recklessly while the dildo was still inside of you, taking it out just moments after your orgasm began.

You were dripping all down your legs and thighs, the spot on the carpet beneath you completely drenched in your arousal. Steve had came again, and again, his cock twitching and spurring at the sight of you. The longer you rode out your high, the longer Steve rode out his — and needless to say, he could keep up.

You took in deep breaths as you got caught up, leaving your legs spread for your viewers' pleasure. As per one request, you lead your fingers to your slick heat, spreading yourself open so everyone could see, a smirk on your face.

     Once Steve had come down, he decided to type something in the chat.

Steve - GrantRogers

Thank you, this was wonderful.

You snorted at Steve's response — always so polite and proper. You closed your legs and crawled up closer to the camera so they could only see your face and your upper half.

    "I hope you guys liked that. I don't think I've ever used that one before, but trust me, I will be using it again. Thanks for the suggestion," you winked. "You can join me next week for a giveaway! I'll be selling my panties, those purple butterfly ones you guys love so much?"

You watched as the comments flooded with praise and excitement, and chuckled,

     "Yeah, those. So check in next week on how to enter, rules and more. I hope you guys enjoyed today, thank you so much for being the most beloved members of my little strip club here. See you later!"

Easily, you blew a kiss to the camera, and ended the show. At first, Steve was a little bummed. He was hoping for another private session, so he could talk to you a little more. But he understood that it wouldn't be today, and started to exit out of the site until he heard a ping! notification. He looked on the upper right corner of the screen to see that he had a new message.

moonrose — moonrosehaze hey! got a minute? click the link in the chat if you do!

Steve slowly clicked the link, hoping that it was what he was expecting and not some type of scam. And luckily, it was — it rerouted him to the same link as last time, giving him the option to hide his video and only use audio. He chose that option and you showed up on screen, in a silk pajama top and shorts, still in the same room as before, just not in the act anymore. Once he saw you, he grinned, and you smiled as well when he joined.

"Hey!" you exclaimed excitedly. "How are you?"

You typically didn't do this - usually customers reached out to you, not the other way around. But just because you weren't offering private sessions tonight didn't mean you couldn't still talk to a client. Especially a client who you happened to really like. And of course, the two of you were being careful, precautions still fresh in your mind. But you were enjoying your time together so far in this excited new beginning. There were no red flags and nothing to be worried about.

Steve laughed, his voice deep and almost cloudy - after coming down from two orgasms he felt dreamlike. His voice was warm and inviting, and you felt that awfully familiar buildup of an orgasm in your stomach, though it wasn't the same. Maybe more like butterflies, except instead of just being nervous, you were both nervous and turned on.

"Hi," he crooned, feeling his cheeks warm up at the sight of you. You were so enchanting and bright, even if you were behind a screen. You had a youthful glow that made you look and feel genuinely happy and vivacious. Even after just a few days, he found himself admiring you, and not just for your sexual prowess. "I'm great, how are you? You were amazing, by the way. That was... I've never seen anything like that before."

You giggled, appreciative of his constant praise, but it raised the question,

"I can't thank you enough. You've watched porn before though, right?"

At first, you thought Steve's innocence was only unique to cam sites, but now you were starting to question just how experienced he really was with this world. He seemed to know how to tip, and tipped very well. As for talking to you, he was charming and polite thus far, so he seemed to know how to interact with women who had jobs like yours - you hoped he was this kind universally, and not just to you. You hoped you knew him, the little bit that he was showing, not just a version of him that he was pretending to be.

Steve shifted a bit, smiling shyly to himself,

"Not really... do I sound that clueless?"

"No," you giggled, shaking your head, but he could tell you were just being coy, which made him smile.

"Be honest," he prodded you, and you laughed louder,

"Yeah, a little. But don't feel bad! That's a first. Usually guys your age are well versed in this sort of thing. It's... kind of sweet. And I like that you're new to this. It makes it easier to get you excited," you veered into flirting with him again, smiling gently into the camera.

"Oh yeah?" Steve questioned playfully, and you nodded.

"Oh, for sure. Listen, I'm really tired from my show so I can't promise anything like what I just did, but if you want me to pose for you or..."

You trailed off, but Steve was quick to jump in, shaking his head. He didn't expect anything from you at the moment, although he wouldn't mind, but if you were tired, then you knew your limits, and he didn't want to push them for his own sake. He knew it was your job, but he still had his own sense of morals.

"No, no, it's okay, hon'. You worked really hard just now, don't feel pressured to do something for me just because. It's nice to just talk to you anyway, you didn't even have to do this," Steve said calmly, and you felt your heart warming more and more with every word he spoke, especially when he called you "hon" — he gave you the energy of such a kind older man.

Of course Steve wanted to see something from you again - of course he'd cherish it, die for it. But he had been sated for the night, and talking to you was enough. Still in the back of his mind he questioned whether he should be talking to you like this at all - it was the second night you had spoken. But he pushed those doubts to the back of his mind for now - not now Steve, not now, he thought.

"Aww, thank you," you pouted out of happiness and appreciation.

    He acknowledged how hard you worked, and the fact that it was hard work. And he didn't have to be so gracious about it, so appreciative and the way he was. You were almost glad he just wanted to talk, even though you would've been willing to at least pose for him or dirty talk him to climax once again. What you'd do to hear his moans and hear his gruff voice in particular.

You continued,

     "I'm... I'm glad you liked the show. I'm glad you came, honestly. I know we've only talked once but I like you. I feel like we connected immediately."

Steve felt an unfamiliar pang in his chest that he brushed off as the typical butterflies that were spreading. He already addressed that this entire thing made him nervous in general, but he didn't think anything more of it.

"We did. Somehow, someway," he chuckled a bit awkwardly, and you smiled at his shy nature. "I'm— I'm really glad I came to. I was looking forward to this."

"So how was your day?"

"Honestly? I've been so much better since the last time. I mean, you really helped out. I feel like..." Steve took a deep sigh. "Like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders, y'know? What about you?"

"I know the feeling. I sort of felt the same way. Huh. Gosh, it's weird, it's not like we're-" you decided not to finish your own sentence, laughing as you brushed it off as silly. "Anyway. Today was great. Yeah."

"Yeah? You uh... take any classes today?" Steve asked, recalling how you told him about your life as a student and as an artist. He cringed internally at how awkward he was being. There was still that spark, but the two of you were both resisting conversation because you didn't want to face the reality of establishing a relationship with each other, even if it was just client to camgirl. It felt more personal. "I'm sorry," he chuckled to himself. "I'm not great with small talk."

"I mean, I'm sure - if I were a scientist, I'd want to be talking about, like, I don't know - nuclear physics. Environmental studies doesn't quite feel like your area of science," you giggled, and Steve remembered (though he hadn't forgotten) how he had passed himself off as a scientist. Maybe more of a scientific experiment, but it couldn't hurt to say he was a scientist, could it? He was surrounded by them after all.

Steve laughed, shaking his head,

"You'd be surprised how much I don't wanna talk about nuclear physics half the time. Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah," you propped yourself up, wanting to know what he wanted to know about you.

"You like this, right? Like, being, well-"

"A cam girl?" you furrowed your brows together and laughed, shaking your head playfully. "You can say it, don't worry, I don't bite. But uh, wow, I guess no one's really ever asked me that on here. I do, actually. I think a lot of girls on here like this job, but I really love it. It feels liberating, which is great. But it also pays my bills. So it's a balance between the two. I can kind of be whoever I want on here."

"So in real life, Moonrose is... not a thing," Steve concluded, and you shifted. "If you don't mind me asking." He just wanted to understand the dynamics of this job, how you worked the ins and outs - almost like an agent. You weren't that different from his colleagues.

Usually you'd be a bit more hesitant to answer such a question, but Steve made you feel comfortable.

"It's perfectly okay. I'm still the same girl, you know? So it's very much a thing, it feels like Moonrose is... a part of me. But it's just not the same way it feels on here, if that makes sense. It's an act, but it's really... just me."

"I like that. And I like that you enjoy your job."

"Now, can I ask you a question?"

A pause, then Steve answered. It couldn't be that bad.

"Sure," he nodded.

"Okay," you bit down on your lip. "What made you choose me?"

      You hated that question - "what made you choose me?" It left a bitter taste in your mouth. So many times, in your relationships in real life, you felt like you had to ask that question to get reassurance. To feel supported. But with Steve, it was obviously different. And right now, asking that question didn't feel so bad. You didn't feel like because he chose you, you were special. You felt like you were special before he even chose you.

Steve grinned,

"Honestly, I had been scrolling for a while, but none of the other girls stood out for me. And I came across you and you were smiling and you seemed happy. You talked to your customers like they were your fans. You just made it look so charming and graceful. It felt genuine."

"Thanks, I try. Well, I'm glad we crossed paths. It's nice talking to you, even if it's not for a private cam. I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable, doing this-"

"No, no, not at all. I was hoping I'd get to talk to you too, so."

"Oh," you chuckled— you nearly snorted, pushing your hair back and laughing in tandem with Steve. Your awkward moments together were actually fitting and charming, and didn't feel "awkward" at all. You presented as confident, sexy and seductive Moonrose, but Steve brought out the dork in you, made you feel less like Moonrose and more like YN, in the best way ever. "Cool."

Steve liked this. He reveled in the quiet for a moment, just looking at you, your skin glowing, teeth showing when you smiled, everything about you was evocative. But he looked at the time, realizing he had briefings in the morning.

"Well, unfortunately, it looks like I gotta go. Got... labs in the morning, and stuff."

"Oh, yeah for sure, no, go ahead. Gotta get your sleep."

"You too," he encouraged you, almost like a protective figure. "Get some rest."

"Thanks." You took in a deep breath and took the leap you'd been wanting to take the whole call. You loved talking to Steve, but you had been thinking about what Aaliyah had said. You didn't feel as bothered by it as she had, but you figured it was worth a try. You could see if anything would change. And maybe it wasn't an "appropriate" statement, but you were taking a leap of faith. "Wish I could see you. You know, through your camera?"

At first, Steve's heart dropped. He definitely couldn't commit to that. But he knew it was fine, he didn't have to commit to anything at all. He just chuckled,

"Oh, not this time."

You nodded gently, understanding. It was like you told Aaliyah, plenty of customers didn't use their cameras. But you wished you could see Steve, see the face that matched that enchanting voice and those lovely words.

"I understand. Well, I'll see you... or, hear you, next time?"

"Yeah, doll. See you."

And with that, he ended the session, and closed his laptop. Much to think about. And all of it revolved around you.

ahh how are we feeling!! i made their dialogue a leeetle bit awkward bc i didn’t wanna make it super mushy. it’ll be slow burn but not agonizingly slow jus wait on itttt!!! let me know your reactions!!! tags will be linked in a reblog :)

[pigtownchronicles]

Chapter 2.2 - Marshall’s Cigar and Briar

Kyle woke up on Saturday morning with a throbbing headache and a sore throat, enough that when he went downstairs, his mother asked him if he was catching a cold, while his father just kept reading the paper, uninterested. Kyle waved his mom off, worried he might still smell of alcohol, or worse, smoke, but if either of them noticed, they didn’t say anything. He sat down, had breakfast, and the entire experience was such a break from what had happened the night before, that it was becoming easier and easier to just assume that it hadn’t. He’d just imagined the whole thing, dreamed it. After all, what was more likely--he’d had a wacky horny dream, or he’d actually smoked a cigar that had summoned a smoke version of a guy he’d met for five minutes a club, and they’d had sex?

But upstairs in his room, he saw that the cigar had been real, at least. The band was there on his desk, with the name and address as before. Later in the day, he went poking around in the shed on some other pretense, and he could smell it in there still, the smoke, and there, across the floor, was the faint outline of a dried spatter of some sort. If that was real, he wasn’t sure how to disprove the rest of it.

He checked his messages, and saw he had something from Jim, wanting to talk to him. Kyle wasn’t sure if he wanted to divulge the details of what had happened to him that night entirely, but the situation with his gay neighbors was too stupid not to tell his friend. He suggested they meet up at the park about halfway between their homes, and half an hour later, he was waving Jim down from the bench he’d snagged. Jim hustled over, and got on the bench across from him.

Kyle could see something was wrong--his eyes were bagged, and he looked like he hadn’t slept at all that night. “Hell, you must have had a good night man, sorry I had to leave early, you won’t fucking believe that happened.”

Jim just stared at him. “Kyle...have you seen Marlon?”

“Who?”

“Marlon. My boyfriend. He went with us last night. Have you gotten a text from him? Anything?”

Kyle just stared at Jim, feeling like he was pulling a prank on him. Jim was single, wasn’t he? But now that he heard the name, it was...familiar, somehow. Jim pressed him on it, and Kyle came to the realization that he was right. They had gone out with Marlon the night before--how on Earth had Kyle just forgotten that?

“You’re not the only one,” Jim said, “I can’t find him on any social media, his number just disappeared from my phone! My parents don’t remember him, and I’m afraid to call his house, I...I don’t know, we...something happened when we were leaving the club, and I thought it was a nightmare, but...but now I’m not so sure.”

So Jim recounted what had happened as they were heading to the car, the strange shadows, the man in the leather who had stepped out to greet them, Marlon just up and disappearing into the dark, the police who had interrupted them and gotten him to his car, alone. Kyle just listened, unsure of what to say about any of this, but it put what had happened to him in rather stark relief. When Jim had finished his story, he considered describing the cigar in the shed to him, but didn’t. It felt...wrong, and Jim was freaking out a bit, so Kyle went around, sat beside him on the bench and put his arm around him. 

“Look, he’s probably fine, alright? I...I believe you, I do, but...but people don’t just disappear like this. There has to be an explanation.”

“But from everything? I can’t even find pictures of us. It’s like some black hole opened up and swallowed everything about him.”

They sat in silence for a while, and then Kyle said he’d let Jim know if he heard anything, he’d try texting him too, and see what he could find on the internet--then they went their separate ways.

But he couldn’t find anything about Marlon, anywhere. By the end of the evening, he found himself wondering if he actually was being pranked, if Jim was just faking the whole thing after all. But he’d been distressed, that hadn’t been an act. He went to bed that night, feeling rather unsettled, and didn’t feel much better the next day. He’d looked up the shop, called Marshall’s Cigar and Briar, and saw it was closed on Sundays--he’d decided to go into the city on Monday and check it out. Now he was having second thoughts. What if he just...up and disappeared too? Could that even happen? Even now, he was still struggling to hold onto the memories of Marlon that Jim had dredged up for him. Almost like, if he didn’t keep bringing them forward in his mind, they kept threatening to slip away into whatever void they’d gone down into before.

But Sunday, he had a fight with his Father, enabled by his Mother. It was over nothing, but he found himself bristling at being in this house, in this neighborhood for another minute. Sure, college would be an escape in a few months, but would it really get him away? His parents were still paying for it, the whole thing out of savings. If he tried to be out, if he dated a guy and they caught wind of it, he’d be cut off for sure. He didn’t know the cigar bear--named Marshall, he assumed--at all, but that one evening with him was the first time he’d felt respected by someone older than him, by someone who could be his father. In the end, he decided to take the risk, drove downtown, and on Monday afternoon, stepped into Marshall’s Cigar and Briar.

It was a narrow space, made narrower by the glass counter cutting down the length of the shop. Underneath the glass were countless pipes--not glass ones, like he would have expected, the kind his friends usually use for pot. These were tobacco pipes, and Kyle realized he’d never seen one of them in real life, beyond movies and that sort of thing. Across from the counter, there were magazine racks. One of them was an assortment of newspapers and magazines, and further in, judging from the black plastic plates in front, was a rack of porno mags. Along the back wall were jars of loose tobacco, and behind the counter was a wall of boxes, full of cigars, he assumed, and even more in humidors further in. Close to the door was a cash register, and behind that was the bear he’d met first at the bar, and then in his shed, though dressed more casually today, in jeans and a sleeveless shirt for the heat, flipping through one of the magazines from the news rack. Marshall lowered it, and smiled, “Ah, good to see you again, and sooner than I expected.”

“I...uh...” Kyle said, but didn’t quite know what to do next. He’d pictured himself getting in the door and then, well, he didn’t know what was going to come next, at all. But that was part of the excitement. For the first time, really, he felt like he’d taken a genuine step off the path that had been laid out for him, and now, he didn’t know what he was supposed to do.

“How have you been? I hope the fellow who dragged you away treated you well that night.”

“Yeah, he’s...a neighbor, of my parents. And me, I guess. I watch his cat sometimes.”

“I see.”

The man flipped to the next page in his magazine, and Kyle was left floundering for something to latch onto. Everything in the club, everything in the shed had felt so obvious, but now... “I...I thought you wanted to see me again,” he said.

Marshall smiled, “You must have wanted to see me again too,” he said, “But now I suppose I have to ask you, what would you like? Cigars? A pipe? What interests young men like you these days? I don’t know anything about that new vaping thing I see twinks do sometimes, it seems so cold to me.”

I guess...I don’t know. I thought...we could, you know.”

“Ah, you came for me, and me alone, did you?”

“I think you’re teasing me.”

Marshall smiled. “Well, I haven’t had lunch yet. Why don’t we go get some food, and we can chat a bit more? I’d be interested to get to know a little bit more about you, I think.”

That seemed as good of a foothold as any, and they ended up at a little restaurant down the street, Marshall poking around and asking Kyle about not just his plans, but how he felt about his plans, about his general dissatisfaction. It ended with a surprising offer--Marshall suggested he might work with him in the shop for the rest of the summer. He’d fallen behind on some of his organization, and there was always cleaning to do. It wasn’t the sort of job that Kyle had ever thought about doing, but he accepted without any hesitation. The more time he spent with Marshall, the more of a pull he felt. After just an afternoon, he felt a deeper connection with him than anyone else before. His mind called it love, but that might have been youth talking. They went back to the shop, and Kyle’s heart was beating fast, wondering what else might happen that day, only for the feeling to cut off when Marshall handed him a broom. 

“Go ahead and start off with a good sweep, will ya?” he said, smiling at him.

Kyle, who had never really had to work a broom in his life, just gripped it and stared at him, but Marshall was serious. So he took the broom and the dustpan, and started sweeping, while the bear went back to the register, took a cigar from the humidor beside him, and started smoking while reading his magazine. Kyle felt a little hoodwinked, and yet, when he caught a whiff of the smoke, he had to stifle a moan, as his cock leapt up. Marshall was smiling at him, and gave him a wink, but what felt like it could have been something more, was stifled by a steady stream of customers for the rest of the afternoon, and when it was time to close, he was given a wage right from the till, and sent on his way home. 

“I...Are we gonna, you know, again?” Kyle asked, not really wanting to leave the shop and step out onto the dark sidewalk.

“Is that what you want?” Marshall asked him, and Kyle nodded. “Well, Pigtown will usually give you what you want, Kyle. But you should be careful that you don’t lose what you need. Now get on home--shop opens at ten, and I want you here at nine thirty every day.”

Kyle nodded, not sure if that was a yes or a no...but he’d take it, either way.

***

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[cancerbiophd]

Hi Julia, I’m about to do my first ever undergrad scientific research lab and I’m going to have discussion with my supervisor about the research via Microsoft teams instead of the normal meeting in his office due to the COVID-19 and I’m very awkward when it comes to communicating over the phone let alone via video calls. What should I do? I don’t want to give bad impression of me and he thinks that am damn or something.

Hey there! Congrats on starting your undergrad research journey! 

And I totally feel ya when it comes to feeling anxious and awkward about webcam or phone communications, and your feelings of discomfort are totally valid. So much of our communication may rely in part on non-verbal cues, and it’s really hard or impossible to convey that via webcam and the phone. Also, many of us are simply just not used to communicating regularly through these means, especially in professional/school settings, so there’s a learning curve. 

A quick note about your first meeting: It’ll be very introductory, and your supervisor will probably do most of the talking as it’s their chance to teach you about the research, and show you where your role will be. So all you have to do is just listen, jot down any notes and questions you may have, and take it all in! I know it may feel overwhelming at first, but know that your supervisor does not expect you to become an expert on everything the lab overnight and will understand how to take everything one step at a time. And if you’re confused about something or need help, please ask questions. Asking questions shows you care about the research and your own growth in the lab. Your voice is important and you deserve to be heard, and any questions you have are valid. Remember: there is no such thing as a stupid question when you’re asking it to genuinely learn!

Now, onto your question--I don’t think I’m a pro at this, but these are some things regarding online meetings/phone calls that have worked for me:

Test out the app and set everything up beforehand. This eliminates any anxiety I may have about technical problems when the meeting starts. I make sure to download the application at lease a few hours before my meeting to ensure ample time for any misc things, like necessary restarts, account set-up, etc. I also will take a few moments to familiarize myself with the app buttons and functions (especially where the mute and camera-off buttons are!), set up my webcam, and take into consideration the angle, lighting (it’s best to have lighting in front of us, not behind), my background (if we can’t control this, some apps have virtual backgrounds you can use or customize. I know Zoom does this, but I’ve never used Microsoft Teams), my posture*, etc. I also test my preferred mic (eg. normal computer mic or headphone-mic combo). As a cherry on top sometimes I enlist a friend or family member to do a test call with me to absolutely confirm everything is a-ok. *If you’re like me and sit in a spinny-office-chair and have a tendency to rotate from side to side when nervous, I try to swap out the chair for one that doesn’t spin during my meetings, as I know sometimes those movements can be really distracting to the other person. I did this for my PhD defense via Zoom and it worked well. 

On the day of, I maintain regular checks of my email just in case whoever I’m meeting with is running late, or needs to reschedule, etc. I’ve lost count of how many times my PI had to email me 5 min after our meeting time with “sorry! running late! be there soon”. If it’s 10 min past your meeting time and they haven’t shown, it is absolutely ok to send a quick email with: “I am currently in the online meeting room. Let me know if you can make it, or would like to reschedule. Thanks!” It happens. It’s so easy to miss online meetings because there’s no actual physical person showing up. 

There will be a lot of “Oh sorry, what were you saying?” or “Oh go on”. There may be moments when both of us will start talking at the same time (especially if it’s over the phone or the webcams are off) because we don’t have those natural body cues of initiating conversations anymore, and that’s ok, expected, and may happen a lot. There may also be moments where someone’s internet connection may cut off for a split second so a word is missed, or there’s a loud unexpected noise in the background, etc. Other phrases that are ok to say include: “Could you repeat that last part again, thank you”, “I didn’t quite catch that”, “If I understand correctly, ___”, “Ah ok, I see, so what you’re saying is ___”, etc. 

Related, it may also be very easy for one of us to just keep talking without pause for the other person to respond. When I’m speaking, I consciously try to remember to add, “Does that make sense?” or “Do you have any questions?” regularly in order to create a space for the other person to be a part of the conversation. If I’m a listener and am having trouble finding a good space to cut in, I either make note of my questions/comments and then go through them at the end (by starting with: “I have a few questions I’d like to ask”, so the other person knows I have more than one question and should probably not ramble on for too long on their answers), or I interrupt with an apology (I start by saying the speaker’s name, followed by: ”I’m sorry to interrupt but I just have a quick question/comment before we go on.”). I’ve seen the latter more and more during my work meetings, and everyone is very understanding and accepting of the situation and its necessity if you’re polite about it. 

Continue your natural body language movements as if you’re meeting in person. On top of it being hard for some of us to stop these (sometimes subconscious) movements, it does help us communicate even if the other person can’t see because it may come through in our tone, word choice, etc. Also I really like it when the person I’m talking to is nodding at the appropriate times to convey they understand (or at least are paying attention). 

Take notes during the meeting. This would still be important during in-person meetings because it’s crucial to remember what was discussed in case there’s info I need to remember, or action items for follow-up. It also shows I care and am invested in the research and what the other person has to say to me. 

Related, I may also have discussion points written down beforehand for anything I’d like to bring up during the meeting. This probably isn’t necessary for your first ever meeting (unless you do have some questions about the research, which are always good!), but may become more applicable in later meetings. 

Keep the meeting to the time slot allotted, unless otherwise specified. It’s very easy for online meetings/phone calls to run late, so unless all meeting participants are ok with the meeting running over, I try to be mindful of the clock and of the other person’s schedule. If there does need to be a time-extension, I ask first: “Do you mind if we keep going for __ more minutes? Or would you prefer we schedule another meeting later today/this week to keep discussion this?” And if the meeting is running late and I need to leave for a prior commitment, I  interject with, “I’m sorry to cut this short but I need to leave for another meeting/appointment.” Totally ok to do that too. 

It’ll take practice, and it’ll take time. Becoming comfortable with anything new will always have a learning curve attached to it, so give yourself time and patience and room to make mistakes, grow, and improve. We all have to start off as beginners before we can become experts :)

In case this also helps: How to get the most out of your undergrad lab experience (and a description of my own)

If anyone else has any tips they’ve found helpful for online meetings/phone calls, please feel free to reblog or reply! 

Good luck on your meeting and all your future research endeavors :) 

[jeranasblog]

Dreaming about you

Summary:  Peter misses his Daddy while he is away on a business trip. Thankfully, the internet exists. 

Rating: E

Notes:  This story is my 7th @starkercestevent​ contribution. Kink for the 7th story: Erotic Dreams. Read the first OS here. They add up to one story but can be read separately, too.

Warnings: Adoptive Father/Adoptive Son, don’t like it, don’t read it.

Read on Ao3

It was already freezing outside, but Peter wasn’t cold. He was lying on a soft blanket, a little too soft given that he was in the middle of a forest and the trees surrounding him were gently swaying in the wind. The moon lit up the clearing, bathing it in soft light and a thousand little fireflies danced around him. The scenery looked unreal like it had risen from a fairytale, and Peter didn’t even know how he got here.

 “Baby?” The gentle voice of his Daddy was whispering in his ear, and when he turned his head, he could see his Alpha lying beside him. He was naked, the moonlight made him glow and Peter could see a couple of fireflies flying around him.

 “Is this real, Daddy?” Peter was skeptical, trying to touch the Alpha and his hand met skin.

 “I don’t know, baby.” Tony’s voice was deep and smooth, like honey, and Peter leaned closer to get a breath of his Daddy’s scent. The familiar Alpha smell was clouding his senses and the hint of coffee made him feel like home. Although he didn’t know how he had gotten here, Peter was calm, savoring the quiet atmosphere next to his Daddy.

 “Come closer, sweetheart,” his Alpha ordered, wrapping his arms around Peter’s middle and pulling him on top of his chest. Skin met skin, a warm feeling that was intensified by being close to his Daddy. Had he been naked before?

 “I love you, baby. So much.” Their lips touched and even though his Daddy took the control, it was chaste and sweet and stayed that way, so unlike them. Usually, hunger was taking them over after a few seconds, the need to claim or be claimed, but here, in the middle of the unfamiliar forest, Tony devoured Peter as if he was going to break.

 “I want to feel you close. Would you make love to me?” There was a brief moment of confusion. Why didn’t his Daddy just take him? Why was he asking? And where was the usual desperation? But once his Daddy had pulled his hips up and entered him in one thrust, Peter couldn’t think anymore.

 The sensation was different, easier, and light as a feather. Peter didn’t notice that his Daddy hadn’t prepped him, and a floating sensation was washing over his body. It felt unreal, the situation too perfect, so unlike them, but the Omega had stopped questioning it. As long as he was with his Daddy, with his Alpha, he would be protected and safe.

 Tony’s hand slipped between their bodies and his fingers wrapped around his leaking cock. Arousal was crashing over him, warmer than usual, less desperate, lightening up every cell of his body and Peter could stay like this forever. There was no need to come, no need to speed things up, the only important thing was his Daddy inside of him.

 “Baby, can you ride me? Show me how much you love me? How good you can be for me?” The Alpha’s voice was free of commands, just love, but Peter followed his wish anyway. He wanted to please the Alpha with every fiber of his heart.

 His hips moved slowly, savoring the friction inside of his body and Peter sighed in contentment. There was no room for hurry or judgment, only the love that was binding them together. No one was telling them they couldn’t be, that they shouldn’t be.

 It was perfect, in a fanciful way, like a fairytale that was too far away from reality. The fireflies were still dancing, more and more appearing around them until they were forming a cloud of light. Peter blinked. Was it real? He loved the softness, the idyllic scene, but suddenly it felt wrong. Since when was his Daddy patient? Didn’t Peter love being overwhelmed by his Alpha?

 His surroundings started to blur, melting together until he was drowning in a swirl of colors. His Daddy was disappearing and so was the forest, consumed by the light of the fireflies. He blinked, once, twice, but when he concentrated on the outlines, they faded away even faster. Then everything went black.

When Peter opened his eyes again, he was lying in his own bed, wrapped in two blankets. He was alone and a little horny, Tony left for a business trip to China a few days ago, and the absence of his Alpha soured his mood. The bed felt cold and a bit too big, although it was stuffed with pillows and blankets, and Peter closed his eyes, wishing he could go back to the forest again. He missed his Daddy, missed his warmth and his scent, but it would still take a week until the Alpha would come back.

 After a few minutes of staring at the ceiling, Peter pulled himself together. He should stop pitying himself, shouldn’t waste the day staying in bed, and get things done instead, but he felt so fucking alone in the huge apartment. For a moment, he thought about satisfying the dull need inside of his body, but it felt wrong without his Alpha next to him.

 Peter knew his feelings weren’t entirely rational, that they were caused by the lack of a mating bite. When unbonded Omegas spend too much time in the company of a compatible unbonded Alpha, their bodies form connections, pressuring them to seek the Alpha’s presence until they were properly claimed. Although Peter knew he was ready for the bite, his Daddy wanted him to take some time and think it through. As much as he loved the fact that his Alpha owned him, he was glad his Daddy gave him the opportunity to decide this on his own, even though he had already been ready before they had started a relationship a few months ago.

 He sighed, reminding himself again and again that the overpowering sensations were increased by his hormones. Missing his Daddy was hell and he couldn’t stop himself from pulling out his phone. He didn’t want to bug his Daddy, wanted to give him space to manage business in China, but the message was sent before he could think twice.

  [9:05 AM] from Peter to Daddy: Miss you, Daddy.

 Eventually, Peter convinced himself to get up. He put on dark red panties, his Daddy’s favorites, and hesitated for a second before he opened the laundry basket and pulled out a worn ACDC t-shirt of his Daddy. Immediately, the familiar scent of his Alpha surrounded him, easing the oppressive feeling in his chest.

 Peter went into the kitchen and switched on the coffee machine. Usually, the black substance would help him feel better, so he searched for the largest cup he could find. While the coffee was brewing, Peter’s phone ringed, announcing a message from his Daddy.

 [9:05 PM] from Tony to Baby Boy: Miss you, too, baby. Time for a little chat?

 All of a sudden, Peter’s mood brightened, and he pressed the call button even before his coffee was ready. Fortunately, his Daddy picked up immediately.

 “Daddy, I miss you,” Peter whined before the Alpha could say a single word.

“Baby, I miss you, too.” Tony sounded tired but relieved, his voice was like music in Peter’s ears and he relaxed a little. Grabbing his coffee, Peter took his phone and walked over to the living room, making himself comfortable on the couch.

 “How was work?”

 The Alpha sighed deeply. “As usual. The customers had many demands and questions, but at the end of the day, everyone was happy. I’m exhausted, though.”

 Peter whined, a high unhappy sound. Hearing that his Alpha was exhausted, and Peter couldn’t be there to make him feel better, hurt a little. “Daddy, if you were here, I would give you a massage. Is there anything I can do to make it better?”

 The Alpha chuckled slightly. “You’re too cute, baby. But actually, there’s something that would help. Turn on your laptop and video chat me. I wanna see you.”

 Peter immediately hurried to obey. He took his laptop from his old room where he had slept before he had started sharing a bed with his Daddy, carried it over to the bedroom and plugged it in. The minutes it took till it was started up felt like hours and Peter watched the screen impatiently. With his cup of coffee in his hand, he lay down on his stomach, crossing his legs behind his back and counting the seconds until he could start the video call. Finally, he saw his Daddy again.

 Tony was sitting on a bed in an expensive hotel room. He was propped against the headboard, his legs spread and his laptop between them. The angled was low, making his Daddy appear taller, more powerful, and Peter could feel how his gut clenched. Fuck, he really missed his Daddy badly.

 “Baby, are you wearing my shirt?” Tony’s voice was dark with possessiveness, his eyes almost black.

 Huh. Peter looked down. He had already forgotten that he had pulled it out of the laundry basket earlier. The washed-out fabric had slipped down, leaving one of his shoulders bared and Peter could see that his Daddy was hungrily staring at a fading mark he had left on his collarbone a few days ago.

 “Yes, Daddy,” Peter replied innocently, concealing the smirk that was going to spread on his face. He wasn’t the only one who was completely in love, his Daddy had it just as bad.

 “Baby, can you sit up for me?” Peter placed his cup of coffee on the floor and scrambled to his knees. The shirt of his Daddy was barely long enough to hide the red panties and suddenly, Peter was glad he picked his Daddy’s favorite pair.

 “Look at you, baby,” The Alpha purred and Peter could watch on the screen that Tony’s hand had wandered lower until it was cupping his erection through the fabric. He squirmed but didn’t move, waiting for the next order. “Sweetheart, can you pull the fabric up?”

 Peter couldn’t stop the blush that was spreading across his face. Even though it wasn’t the filthiest thing they had ever done, knowing that his Daddy wasn’t even here, and he was still listening to every single command, made him shiver with arousal. Slowly, he gripped the hem of the shirt, pulling it up until his panties were on display.

 The Alpha moaned unashamed and increased the pressure on his pants. “Baby, what would you do to make me happy?”  

 The question was innocent, but Peter knew there was more to it. Just the thought of what his Daddy could ask of him, was enough for his body to slick up. “Anything,” he replied, convinced he could follow every single command his Alpha could give him. “Anything you want me to.”

 Tony’s eyes turned even darker. “Open the drawer on my bedside. Pull out the black box.”

 Slowly, Peter turned around, making sure that the t-shirt rode up enough to show his backside. He stretched, trying to reach the drawer without moving too much so that his Daddy could get a good look at his panty covered butt. He didn’t see Tony on screen, but he heard muffled curses coming from the laptop. Deciding to make a show out of it, Peter spread his legs and arched his back until he was properly presenting for his Alpha, driving him mad with the need to take.

 Finally, he turned around, the black box in his hand, wearing an innocent smile for his Daddy. “Found it, Daddy.” He declared cheerfully, hoping that the Alpha hadn’t noticed he was deliberately trying to rile him up. No such luck.

 “Baby, don’t try to fuck with me.” The voice of his Alpha was almost a growl. “I know exactly what you were doing and I’m going to pay you back for this one. Now open your present, baby. Show it to Daddy.”

 Peter whimpered, embarrassed that his Alpha had caught him so easily, but he couldn’t deny the nervous anticipation as soon as his Alpha indicated to punish him. God, he wanted that. Wanted to be bend over the Alpha’s knees and spanked until he couldn’t sit for days, wanted to squirm and cry on his Daddy’s lap. However, Tony was 8000 miles away, an entire ocean between them, so there was no possibility to feel the hands of his Alpha on his ass.

 “God sweetheart, you want this, don’t you? Already squirming and whimpering for me. Tell me, baby, do you need it bad?”

 Pleasure washed over his body, the words of his Daddy setting him on fire. Peter missed his Alpha so badly and his voice was enough to make him gag for it. He shifted slightly, hyper-aware of the emptiness inside of him. “Daddy, I need it,” Peter didn’t even manage to sound seductive, instead his voice was high and needy. He couldn’t concentrate anymore, his Alpha too far away.

 “Open the box now, baby. My patience is wearing thin.” Peter swallowed heavily and carefully opened the lid of the box. Inside was a sleek blue dildo, nothing special. It wasn’t small, but it wasn't nearly as big as his Daddy either.

 Tony’s eyes sparkled when Peter took out the toy. “Turn around baby, gimme a show. You won’t need to prep yourself, just take it in.”

 Peter whimpered and turned his back to the cam again. He lowered his chest onto the bed and spread his cheeks with one hand. His panties were still covering his hole, but he could feel that they were already soaked with slick. The thought of being vulnerable under his Daddy’s gaze made him shiver and he pushed the panties to one side, showing off his needy hole.

 A deep moan was coming from the other end of the line and Peter wished he could turn around, wished he could watch his Daddy. “Baby, you make me so hard. I wanna fuck you so badly. Come on, try it, fill your greedy little hole with the toy.”

 Now, Peter was moaning as well. He fumbled for the blue toy and positioned it in front of his hole. The tip was nudging against his rim, teasing him and making him gag for it, but he wanted to drag it out, wanted to give his Daddy a good show. Slowly, he pressed it in, savoring the slight burning that came from the lack of prep. He loved to feel the stretch during sex and his Daddy damn well knew it.

 “Baby, your hole is so slutty, look how it’s taking the toy. Do you need it so bad?” Peter wanted to scream ‘yes’, wanted to let his Alpha know that he needed his knot, that he was going crazy without it, but everything that came out was a high-pitched whine. He shivered when the toy disappeared in his body, still too small, but at least he felt a little less empty.

 “Turn around, baby.” Peter obeyed. “Now spread your legs.” Peter obeyed again. It felt natural and he stopped thinking, letting the voice of his Alpha guide him. The toy was bumping against his prostate when he was moving, but that wasn't nearly enough for him to come. He settled onto his knees, legs spread, and t-shirt pushed up so that Tony had a good view of his panty-covered cock.

 Finally, Peter could take a look at his Daddy again. He hadn’t moved much and sadly he was still wearing all of his clothes, even though the zipper of his pants had been opened. Sure, the suit fit perfectly, but Peter still preferred to see his Alpha naked.

 “Baby, I want you to sit still for me, can you do that? Can you put your hands on your tights and try not to move?” Peter nodded eagerly. Yes, he could. He would do anything his Alpha wanted him to. He would ride his own fingers, impale himself on the toy and tell his Daddy whatever he wanted him to. He could be his little Omega, his greedy slut, even his good girl, as long as his Daddy was looking at him with such hunger in his eyes, Peter didn’t want to disobey.

 “Tell me, what have you been doing these past few days?” Tony’s voice was casual and made Peter’s brain pause for a second. He was puzzled, had expected anything but a casual conversation while his hole was stuffed with a toy. Usually, Tony would tease him, talk to him until he was sobbing with pleasure, savoring every needy sound that slipped past his lips. Asking him how his day had been while Peter was gaging with need was something new.

 “Um,” Peter cleared his throat, trying to focus on his thoughts to find an answer to the question. “Good?”

 Tony clicked his tongue and looked at him disappointed, making it very clear that the answer wasn’t sufficient. The look made Peter wince, the feeling of letting his Alpha down preyed on his mind, so he hurried to make it up to his Daddy.

 “Um, I had classes yesterday, and in the evening I met Ned and MJ, and we studied for-“

 It seemed to come out of nowhere, and Peter choked on a moan, his whole boy twisting and arching with arousal. The command of his Daddy to keep his hands on his thighs was suddenly almost impossible to follow and fell forward, his chin hitting the sheets. The toy inside of him had started to vibrate, directly hitting his sweet spot and he was burning with arousal.

 “Daddy.” Peter started to sob, couldn’t escape the sensation, couldn’t even move, the order of his Daddy keeping him at his place. His mind was empty, his body overwhelmed by the vibrations, and tears were running down his chin. He must look pathetic, reduced to a sobbing mess in a few seconds.

 “Aw, baby. You didn’t expect that, did you?” There wasn’t even a hint of pity in Tony’s voice. “The toy can be controlled via an app. I just had to set it up with the wireless at home and now I can control it from everywhere, even China.”

 Nothing of it seemed to get through to Peter. It was too much, too intense and it hurt. He was struggling and suffering for his Daddy, and although he could hardly stand it, he hadn’t felt better since his Daddy had left. Finally, the vibrations died down.

 “Weren't you gonna tell me about your day?” Tony was teasing and Peter stared at the screen, his eyes glazed and black.

 Huh? Slowly the world was coming back to him. He tried to focus, his eyes fixed on the screen and his body limp from the strain caused by the vibrations. His Daddy was sitting on the hotel bed, a smug smile on his face and he was clearly enjoying that Peter was out of it.

 “You’re so easy, baby. I could stuff your hole with anything, and you would go cockstupid on me, wouldn’t you? I was so lucky you turned out to be Omega after I adopted you. So sweet for me, made for me, made to take everything I want to give you. Now tell me about your study session with Ned and MJ.”

 Peter blinked, trying to regain his focus. He could still feel his body thrumming, could still feel that his walls were furiously clenching around the toy, and when he looked down, he saw a wet patch forming on the sheets.

 However, his Daddy had ordered him to talk about his day and Peter would do anything to please him. “Umm, w-we studied for the cal-calculus exam next week and we-“

 He didn’t even try to keep talking once the toy started to vibrate again. His body was convulsing, twisting on the sheets against his will while his cock was rubbing all over the bed, leaving a trail of precome behind. Talking about his day was impossible, even though his Alpha had ordered him to. The vibrations were too much, the setting too high and crocodile tears were running down his chin.

 “On your back, baby,” Tony commanded, his voice a little hoarse. “Get out of your panties, put up your legs, and show me your hole. Now.”

 Peter couldn’t stop the whimper that was slipping past his lips and he turned to get on his back, glad he didn’t have to speak anymore. The panties landed under the bed and he spread his cheeks, showing off his stuffed hole to his Daddy. He could feel how slick was gushing out of him, seeping past the toy, and ruining the sheets forever.

 “Look at you baby, tell Daddy what you want, tell him what you need.”

 “Y-you,” Peter was sobbing in earnest now, unable to form coherent words after his Daddy had turned the vibration up even more. His whole lower body was buzzing, and his mind was going blank. He was getting sweet for his Daddy and nothing else mattered anymore, nothing but being a good boy for his Daddy. Peter’s whole body was throbbing, burning from overstimulation and every time his hole clenched, the vibrations became even more intense.

 “Always a delight to see how easy you are, sweetheart, dumb from a little friction in your hole.” The Alpha was mocking him, and the humiliation made everything so much better, so much sweeter. “I bet you could come like that, couldn’t you? Without anything touching your little cock, even without my knot in your hole.”

 “Y-yes, D-daddy”, Peter slurred. “J-jus keep t-talkin’.”

 He could see on the screen that the Alpha was taking out his cock, thick and leaking, just from watching Peter losing it. It was a heady feeling, like a rush of power, knowing he was irresistible for his Daddy. He felt strangely in charge, although he was at his Daddy’s mercy, although he would do anything his Daddy wanted him, his pleasure controlled by the remote in the Alpha’s hands. The conflicting sensations were overwhelming, taking him higher and higher, and Peter knew he was close, without a touch, just how his Daddy had predicted.

 “Your body is begging for me, sweetheart. Look at all the slick. Tell me you want me; tell me you belong to me.”

 “Yours, Daddy, only yours, forever. I promise. No one else.” The Alpha let out a feral growl and Peter could see that his hand was speeding up, gripping his cock even harder, and pushing his hips up to meet his strokes. Seeing his Alpha like this, out of control and his gaze fixed on the screen, made him bask in the feeling of being wanted.

 “Baby, I want to come over, split you open on my cock, and fuck you until there’s no sass left. I want to leave you stupid for me, like a little slut, gagging for my seed. Maybe for once I won't let you come, keep you stuffed full until you blackout-“

 During his speech, his Daddy had increased the vibration again and Peter couldn’t hold back anymore. He was coming, slick gushing out of his hole, and Omega seed dribbling from his untouched cock. He was twisting on the sheets, his back arching in a perfect curve. He was crying, his seed messing up the laptop and dribbling from the screen.

 Peter sobbed, his eyes rolled back, and he didn’t see his Daddy anymore, couldn’t focus on anything but the earth wrecking pleasure that was flooding his body. Every inch of him was burning, the vibrations driving him higher and higher until all he could see were black spots in his vision.

 It took some time to come back to his senses, the vibrations dialed down to a manageable level, wringing out the last pulses of his orgasm. Peter was gasping for breath; the toy had finally stopped moving and a loud groan from the other end of the line indicated that his Daddy came as well.

 Peter felt satisfied, still a little stuffed, even though not stuffed enough. He wanted a knot, needed his Daddy’s cock inside of him, and seeing that the Alpha was squeezing the knot in his own hands made the feeling only worse.

 “Miss you, Daddy. Luv you.” Peter mumbled and smiled dopily at the cam. The arch inside of him was better, but he couldn’t be completely content without his Daddy by his side.

 “Did you like your present?” Tony asked after a few minutes of silence and Peter nodded approvingly. “Maybe we can try it out again. Next time together, baby?”

 “Please,” Peter begged and gave him a big smile.

 “Clean yourself up now,” the Alpha ordered and reluctantly, Peter followed the command. Usually, his Daddy was swiping away the come and the slick, but now he had to do it on his own. “Only one more week.” Tony tried to cheer him up and Peter smiled thankfully. Yes, only one more week. He could do it. And when his Alpha came back, maybe he would finally claim him properly.

[viostormcaller]

Thinking about it, it kinda sucks just how little new horizons has.

Like... I love the game to pieces and maybe this is just bc im in a shitty mood (which i am) but like... god this is gonna be long and ranty and I'm sorry in advance that mobile tumblr doesnt have the read more feature

For starters, holidays are all scheduled on the company's terms, meaning in 7+ years or so there will be no more in-game holidays because by then they'll probably be thinking about/getting ready to release the next installment of the series on whatever console is out at the time and they won't want to update new horizons anymore. And adding onto this, you need the internet to download the updates. What happens to the players who don't have internet?? Can they just never experience the holidays like bunny day and toy day and turkey day? That takes a HUGE part of the fun of the series out right off the bat. Sometimes making everything rely on the internet is a bad idea. Idk if anyone can like tell me if having no internet means you can't take part in the holidays, but like... god if that's true thats really sad.

They recently took out the hybrid flower and big fish islands, which makes no sense whatsoever why they would do that to a game that has so little, but ok?? It's not like that feature was hindering the gameplay any

There's a lot of furniture but Not a Lot of Furniture, you get me? They took out EVERY set except the classic set (renamed "antique") that you can buy for an insanely high price, and the log and wooden block sets that you can craft, but other that that it's all unrelated items that aren't part of any set, aside from the cute set and diner and throwback sets which as far as I can remember are the only other sets you can buy in the game. No alpine, no ranch, no minimalist, no princess or gracie, no modern or sleek, none of that. And 90% of all the buy-only furniture in the game is just the color variants. You can't even customize them! And it's hard as fuck to find the color variants you want, much less for completing a furniture set

And speaking of which, your starting villagers don't get their default house interiors. Your first three + your two starters from the tutorial days have the same generic layouts. You NEVER see what their houses are supposed to look like, and even if you give them the wallpaper and flooring they're supposed to have (if you figure that out online somewhere), their house doesn't change (I tested this with Sherb and was kinda disappointed).

And stuff is so EXPENSIVE. I know it adds a challenge but my final loan was NEVER 1 mil+ bells in New Leaf. And you can't even expand the extra first floor rooms you get. I'm literally getting less for WAY more. The biggest rooms you get are the basement and upstairs rooms. The first floor rooms aside from the main room really don't have a lot of space and with the different furniture they DO offer, I don't have a lot of room to put things in. But it's not like I can even afford it anyway -- just a freaking air conditioner was 63,000 bells. In New Leaf it was 2500. That's a MASSIVE jump. And the kitchen items are so freaking expensive, as well.

And speaking of houses, for someone who was literally in the real estate industry in the last game, tom nook adds very few house exterior options. And the even more shitty thing is that a lot of the colors straight up don't match. They couldn't even add a plain white roof.

God and the fucking DIY recipes. I know I've said this before on my other tumblr but the RNG for this game is the worst I've ever fucking seen. There is no reason why, two months into the game, I can be given a recipe for a simple DIY bench, which EVERYONE LEARNS IN THE TUTORIAL. Who the fuck am I giving it to?! No one, because literally every player knows it already, and you can't gift diy recipes to villagers! And I keep getting repeats of recipes. My villagers give me fruit DIYs all the time, it's so rare for me to get any new ones. And two days in a row I've gotten the recipe for the deer head mount thing from the same villager. New recipes should 100% take the priority before repeats. This game is slow paced, sure, but that's just frustrating. It doesn't make me excited to learn more recipes, it makes me feel like I'm never gonna learn any new ones because I'll get the same fruit DIYs for a week straight.

And speaking of which, you can't put trees, bushes, or flowers in your storage, which to me makes literally no sense. I can fit a giant ass fountain in my storage but I can't put a flower plant? Really? And speaking of storage, for a game that added 300 whole slots for mail instead of the usual 10, I will never understand why they decided to halve the amount of items a player can order a day from the nook shopping, AND make it so that it takes a whole day to get there instead of making deliveries at 9 am and 5 pm like in New Leaf.

And the fact that they made it so hard to get non native fruit and flowers and shit??? Like they at LEAST added Lief so flowers aren't as much of an issue anymore, but you actually have to travel to other people's islands just to get all the fruits?? I know you have to do the same thing in New Leaf but the reason why this is an issue for me is because you have to pay for online access, meaning most of those nook miles for planting all the fruits are locked behind a paywall unless your villagers can gift them to you. And your mom, when you first start the game, has a chance of giving you the one fruit that's on the non-native fruit mystery island, meaning you'll only get ONE new fruit and not two separate ones (for example, my sis got pears from mom but her non native fruit islands have cherries i believe. I got pears from mom and my fruit islands also have pears. Doesnt help that that's the one fruit i hate lmao). They also took OUT a bunch of fruits, like mangoes, durians, lemons, bananas, lychees, persimmons...

And the fact that your nook miles rewards are ISLAND LOCKED. That is the WORST SHIT. Not everyone has the ability to play with others, bc no internet or no money for the subscription every month. Not everyone WANTS to play with others bc maybe they get social anxiety (like me, which is why i havent asked for things that are impossible for me to get even though i want them for my island or house), or maybe they simply just don't want to. But the fact that each island has their own color variants of the same goddamn rewards that CANNOT BE CHANGED makes me so upset. I do not want nor should I have to rely on others to get the items I want because my game doesn't have my preferred color variations. And it's not like I'm far enough in the game to have anything worth trading for said items, nor do I have the bells.

And Isabelle does next to fucking nothing and I'm really irked about how they made her character in this game. Yeah she's cute, but that's ALL she is. She became more ditzy than anything else. She doesn't let you know about visitors in the town or the plaza or if a bridge or incline was built bc of a completed donation goal. Like really useful info to know would be if Flick or CJ is in town or who is selling stuff in the plaza. Flavor text is nice but if that's all you say 24/7 it loses its charm. In New Leaf she was helpful and hardworking and super focused and on top of things. Idk why they changed that aspect of her. I know her role in New Horizons isn't as big as it was in New Leaf, but still.

And then there's glitches that STILL haven't been patched (as far as I know anyway), like the game-breaking villager corruption glitch (which you'd think nintendo would have made a priority but they're too busy removing other features it seems) or the house exterior glitch.

And it's bad enough that your game saves to your fucking system a la Fantasy Life. But even WORSE, no one can have separate islands on one console. It's not enough to own two copies of New Horizons. Each player has to own one copy of the game and a whole new Switch just so they can play on their own islands. Parents can't usually afford that (aka $360 for each kid give or take) so for a game marketed towards kids, I don't know why they thought that was a smart move (well, I DO know, and that's because money, but still). And to top it all off, cloud saves are not supported normally. If you lose your game or your switch and aren't subscribed to nintendo online, well, it looks like all your progress is gone! And there's nothing you can do about it. And they directly claimed that they did this just so people can't manipulate the game because it's supposed to be played in real time. But people can still fucking time travel by setting the system's clock! They achieved nothing except to make the players frustrated!!! If you make a game you need to accept that the player is going to play how THEY want to. You shouldn't try to make everyone conform to the way YOU want them to play. That just makes you a controlling asshole and the game loses a lot of its fun.

This game was 60 bucks and they took so long to make it and we ended up with less than we got in New Leaf. The main thing they gave us was a shit ton more clothing items (which I really like). Like I said, I love this game to pieces and it's actually one of my favorite games right now. There's so much I love about it -- I certainly don't hate it or anything. But this game has SO MANY flaws, a lot of which are needless. And I think the kid in me just misses the days where you can pay for a game and get the whole game right away. No updates in tiny batches, no content locked behind paywalls, no day one patches, no reliance on internet connection and multiplayer... mainstream companies have all gone really downhill with that shit and it just disappoints me to no end. But because Nintendo is kid-oriented, I think that's where it hurts the most. It was supposed to be accessible, family friendly fun like back during the days of the Wii and the DS. But companies get so wrapped up in competing with each other and trying to make the most money that they forget about all that. I dunno. It just sucks.

If you read all this, god damn I'm surprised XD I got super ranty and I apologize. But I'm in a sad mood and I after learning about features they've taken out I just had to get all this off my chest. It's been weighing on me since the game released, especially since for months prior this game was all I could think about and I was really looking forward to it. It just let me down in a lot of ways, I guess.

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How to get only fans likes

YouTube has the most customers out of all the social media networks. The massive neighborhood makes it a key promoting instrument for companies to promote their web pages and discover potential new prospects.

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On this article I'll go over the first methods that may be utilized too grow and develop your following on YouTube.

There are some key elements in enhance a YouTube following:

Importing new movies often

This is key when trying to construct a YouTube following. For many who have a look at plenty of the properly-recognized YouTubers, all of them add on the very least as soon as every week, often on a sure day. The benefit of importing as soon as every week reveals that you are dedicated to your Subscribers, and in flip people will feel extra obliged to subscribe to you because of the trouble you place into your movies. It additionally means your subscribers know when your movies come, and know when to check for new movies from you.

Consumer Interaction

At the end of the day, individuals are further likely to subscribe to you if there involved in your films. One of many easiest methods to include some type of 'Client Interplay' is by asking your viewers a question in the video, which they can reply inside the comment section. This makes the viewer talk with you, which builds up a relationship between you and your viewers and subscribers.

Ask Questions

By asking a query which shall be answered in the suggestions, it get's the video more comments, which in turn means it should go into the "Most Discussed" charts and find yourself with additional views and hopefully new subscribers.

Combine with other social media

Uploading a video provides you a chance to talk about it on other social media instruments. You should always Tweet regarding the video or promote in your Facebook or website online. A written mannequin of the video may presumably be uploaded to blogs or knowledgeable article web sites.

Whereas trying to extend the location guests to your site you would possibly surprise if something actually works. I can say from firsthand expertise that there are methods to get of us to go to your web site even after they have by no means heard of you, your space, or even your product. Probably the greatest ways to increase your web site's website visitors is to utilize videos to guide potential guests and even prospects to your website. Whether or not it's a product consider, a how-to video, or simply a video weblog high-of-the-line places to submit these movies is Youtube. Whereas it would appear overwhelming to someone with restricted pc expertise, rising your website via YouTube is a free solution to achieve new folks.

Uploading motion pictures shouldn't be as tough because it might sound. All you want is a video to add, an e mail handle, and an internet connection. Start by creating an YouTube account. To do this you will want an electronic mail sort out. After you fill out the registration kind, YouTube will ship a affirmation e-mail for you to click on. This is moreover where you may recuperate misplaced information for individuals who overlook a login or password later, so save the e-mail. After you create an account, click on on the button on the top proper that claims "Add" then observe the directions. Usually movies are restricted to 10-12 minutes in size so preserve that in ideas. Don't forget that the final word goal is to extend traffic to your website so you should definitely submit hyperlinks and talk about your website in your YouTube profile.

After importing just some films the next step is to get people to visit as a lot of your videos as you possibly can. The objective of that is to promote your website and enhance its visitors. Someplace in the description, encourage individuals so as so as to add the movies to their favorites and subscribe to your channel. Your channel is a place that shows your complete videos you will have uploaded as well as movies you added to your favorite listing and any particulars about you. People who see it will have a chance to see your whole movies in addition to particulars about you and your web site.

Now for an important a part of utilizing Youtube. A big YouTube following shouldn't be your goal however only a instrument to utilize in direction of your purpose of accelerating your web guests. Use Youtube, your web site and social networking like Fb or Twitter to link all of your on-line actual property together. If you would like folks coming to your web site a number of events, the objective have to be to get them used to looking at you for information. This implies posting your films on Fb and your website and posting hyperlinks to your website on YouTube and anyplace else you could possibly discover. Principally you are attempting to get of us to use you as quite a bit as potential. get onlyfans subscribers Like a retail store that hopes to extend product sales by preserving clients inside the retailer longer, you're hoping to maintain gusts at visiting you by relying in your information extra typically.

It may appear sophisticated, overwhelming, and presumably even foolish nevertheless utilizing motion pictures posted online is perhaps a good way to extend website guests to a website. Normally the one costs involved are these you incur from producing and enhancing the video. Hosting on YouTube is free, although there are some restrictions. Do not forget to faucet into this useful useful resource of potential guests or purchasers when making an attempt to develop your web site.

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