#I feel like every time I get testing done I'm completely wrong about everything AND they don't tell me what I DO have wrong with me so I

[motherraid]

ABSOLUTELY NOT DONE WITH MY SEBEK THIRST AND I TRULY NEED TO SPEAK ON THIS.

Sebek x AFAB!reader nsfw below the cut:

((Tw: somno(?) Dubcon(?) A bit of bullying and mean names/big boy words/pervy Sebek/dumbification? Maybe? I think?/and ooc sebek maybe im not sure))

We see so much Sebek as either the completely subby pillow prince or a sebek that's SO dominant he's like some mafia boss in a wattpad fanfic? It's all wonderful, don't get me wrong. But is that ALL we wanna reduce sebek to? D:

I absolutely CAN see and DO see most times where he's just subby and whimpering and crying, and it IS accurate, but it's not ALL that could happen! We need to start changing! it! up!! He's still Sebek for crying out loud! He'll end up having you crying and spaced out on his cock regardless of how bad you wanna ruin him.

Hear me out, pervy Sebek.

Okay, maybe when you aren't together yet he's mean and snarky, referring to you as "human" and pretending to hate your guts like always, but he'll still try to find excuses to perv on you!!!!! He's so enraptured that he can't help it.

Sebek's so needy that accidentally grazing your hand too high up his arm is a sin you need to repent for it with your pussy. You'd find yourself stuffed in an old broom closet or empty classroom in a heartbeat. He just can't take it anymore. He's already spreading your lips with two fingers and using his other hand to hold your hip in place, your ass squished firmly against the cold wall behind you and your skirt in a heap at your ankles. Who else have you been seducing while he wasn't around? He will not stand for your lecherous ways! He must protect his fellow classmates! The only way to do that is to make you cream on his tongue so many times that you can't think straight. Then, you'll be too tired to prey on any more poor, defenseless students at Night Raven College. Yank his hair, and that's another five minutes of him playing with your pretty cunt. Don't test him, harlot.

Your panties he'll be taking. Probably some lame excuse about your "punishment" for coming onto him like a shameless whore. But... We all know that by the time he gets back to his room in Diasomnia, he's soo horny from the anticipation. He wants to savor the moment, but before he can even pull his pants down he gets a whiff of you once he takes your panties out of his pocket. Now people can hear him mewling while he creams his pants through the walls.

"AND WHAT IF WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SEBEK THAT'S IN A RELATIONSHIP??!!! D:" I hear you ask (no one asked me anything. I'm delusional).

He still will not take no for an answer. He's not going easy on you just because you've won his heart. He is more gentle when initiating, but he still won't drop the "you need to be punished" bit. You've riled him up (you blinked in his general direction), and you have to take responsibility for your actions. He thinks, anyway... Everything is kinda fuzzy, so he can't really process the words coming out of his mouth right now. Sebek doesn't know whether he just cried that you're a horrible temptress or begged you to sit on his face.

Oh, and dont get me STARTED on the crocodile tears. Where's the Sebek that snivels with tears in his eyes while he's ramming his cock into you? Where's the Sebek that's so lost he disjointedly drawls into your shoulder about how you're so pretty and warm?? About how he can't stop himself? How you feel too good for him to stop??? Just one more round? Please?? Where's the Sebek that squeals and sobs when he's stuffed you with his cum for the umpteenth time?? Orgasm so intense his eyes cross and toes curl??? Nose buried in your hair and inhaling hard cause he can't get enough of your smell????? YOU'RE the one getting stuffed with his cock, bent and twisted every which way over any furniture or solid surface he can find at the time, so why is HE the one whining and moaning like a whore?

YES!! He is awkward and has no idea what he's doing, but after a while, he's so desperate he just.. Doesn't care. He's gets so erratic and clingy, and it's such whiplash from how proper and uptight he normally acts in public it's insane.

I need to see this boy's fae genes take over. I need to see this boy instinctively feel the need to have you bouncing on his dick all throughout your fertile window. His big dumb crocodile brain can't understand anything other than stuffing you full of his little hatchling(s).

And he would never curse at you once you two are together!! He'll only praise you. He'll tell you how much he loves you, how amazing you are, and how good you feel. He's got too much love to give, and he wants you to give him your love, too. So please sweet talk and praise him. He'll nut instantly. Even if it doesn't mean he'll stop slipping back into you after cumming all over the backs of your thighs. Praise him. Please?

He can't help it. He HAS to have you. It gets so bad he wants to start fucking you almost anywhere. Like a disgusting wild animal. Even if you WANT to take charge or ride him? He gets so carries away he just grabs your hips and snaps up into you over and over. Sorry babe, you can't tame the croc right now. Do you want to be in control? It's such a shame. Really is. Once you've riled him up enough, he goes into big dumb crocodile mode. And in big dumb crocodile mode he'll forget everything and fuck you like a fleshlight. Sorry, I don't make the rules.

But don't think YOU'RE the one being fucked stupid. This boy is a pile of mush on top of you!! He's mid hiccup, muttering how much he loves you into your ear, sobbing and slobbering onto the back of your neck. His jabbering is oddly sweet for someone bent over your ass, hips slamming yours so forcefully you're jerked forward with every thrust (or you WOULD be if his big ass wasn't smushing you into the mattress with his weight because he just DOESN'T have the strength to hold himself up with his arms or grab your hips right now. The most he can do is prop himself up on one elbow).

You're trapped underneath a giant who loves you so much he's unconsciously using you like a sex doll. After a certain point in time this boy's mind is so cloudy he's not even fucking you for your pleasure. He just can't stop. It feels too good and his hips are moving on their own and he's too far gone to consciously still them. He's so pathetic he can't even find your clit. His hand is just rubbing at the bottom of your tummy in circles on instinct, and he does NOT care to correct himself. You'll have to do that for him, sorry.

You can definitely tell that boy is half fae. His stamina is WELL beyond normal humans. Even now that you've blacked out, he still has yet to stop. In fact, he doesn't realize you're asleep. He's still crying about "one more round," "Just a bit more.. Please??" And, "A few more minutes." And best believe you're gonna help the damn boy. I mean, how are you REALLY going to refuse him now that you're asleep anyway??

Huh... Actually... Maybe he DOES know that you're asleep.. I don't think he'd be guiltily snapping pictures of your unaware face to jerk to later otherwise.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hi, i'm fourteen and i have this friend who asked me if i wanted to try eating her out. not a girlfriend, a friend. i don't have any feelings for her but i do think she's gorgeous and she's probably the best friend i have and the most mature 14 year old i know. i trust her a lot. im definitely not opposed to trying to give her head, either. i'm just worried it might be a bad idea, and i'm anxious that i won't do it right and she won't even feel good. i definitely don't want to have sex this early but does giving someone else head even count as real sex? she wouldn't really be touching me at all, except for she did say she'd want us to make out before i did it, though i'm not entirely sure why, but i am okay with it. i'm also worried about, like, STDs, because i've never been with another person like... sexually, i've kissed other people but i haven't in a while. but i think she might have done stuff with people? i don't know how recently. like... i don't know, do you think this is a really bad idea and we're too young or is this fine? how do you even eat someone out, like, what do you do? sorry if this is annoying i just really need an adult to ask about this and it's not like i can ask my parents since i'm not really supposed to do this.

hi anon,

thank you for asking! I'm really grateful to be an adult that you trust enough to talk with about stuff like this. it's not annoying, and I'll do the best I can to give a helpful answer based on everything you've told me.

I think maybe, in your case, this might not be a great idea right now. it sounds like there's a lot about this situation that makes you nervous in a way that's not fun - the kind of nerves that come from being excited to connect with a new person are one thing, but I'm hearing much more anxiety than excitement in the way you're talking about this.

oral sex (using your mouth) definitely counts as real sex - it's definitely not just putting a penis in a vagina! - and can be just as intimate and emotionally complicated as any other kind of sexual expression. you said you don't want to be having sex at your age - which is totally normal, and completely your choice to make! - and that includes oral sex as well, so maybe it's best if you sit this one out for the time being.

I want to be super clear that I'm not saying this out of any sense that no people your age should be sexual; I think wanted sexual exploration between young teens can be a great way to start exploring sexuality and finding what feels good! but that doesn't mean that every teenager has to be having sex, or that they're immature if they don't. people are ready to explore sex at lots of different ages (and some people never do at all), and none of them are weird or wrong. you could feel totally different in ten years, one year, a month, or even a week, but right now you don't feel ready, and what you feel right now is what's most important.

holding off until you've had time to learn more about sex may also help, because every situation is less scary when you feel more prepared. (it's why they make you spend so many godforsaken hours practicing driving before you can take the test to get your license.) in the spirit of learning, I want to share some resources about some of the things you had questions/concerns about.

this page on Planned Parenthood's website talks about lots of different kinds of sexually transmitted infections (STIs, also frequently called sexually transmitted diseases, or STDs), including how they're spread and how to treat them. I don't want to make STIs sound scary - I recently wrote a whole post about how they really shouldn't be! - but because it is important to know what risks there are if you plan to be sexually active so that you can do your best to minimize those risks, and what to do if someone does catch an STI. an important thing to remember is that, at your age, it might be difficult for you or your friend to get tested for STIs without help from your parents, which may be awkward and unpleasant or totally impossible if you're unable to tell them why you need a test in the first place. that's an important factor in deciding whether or not to have sex!

additionally, here's some info about dental dams, which are basically condoms for oral sex - they're a flat piece of latex, like a condom that got rolled out, that goes between the mouth and the hole.

and to help with your question about how going down even works, I recommend this video by sexologist Dr. Lindsey Doe. you won't be seeing any real genitals in this video, although there is a drawing and some nude Barbies, and you'll probably want to listen with headphones unless you're alone. there are also links to more of Dr. Doe's videos on the topic.

and lastly, for more thinking about this topic, I want to direct you to Scarleteen's answer to help figure out when you're ready to start having sex, which is very good on its own and has links to some other good reading on the topic. Scarleteen is a great resource specifically designed and run to help answer teenagers' questions about sex without judgment, and I recommend them very heavily.

I hope that this has been useful, and helps you feel empowered to make whatever decision is best for you.

[baileypie-writes]

Please, I need more Veneer or Velvet x Reader fluff, I'm sorry I knoe I'm not specific about anything I'm just very brainrot by both of them 😭

You can ignore this if you want dw 🫂

A/N ~ Sure! I decided to do headcanons of the both of them(separately). I hope you like it!

~Fluffy Velvet and Veneer Headcanons~

Velvet x Reader, Veneer x Reader(separately)

Fandom: Trolls 3: Band Together

Reader: Gender Neutral

Relationship: Romantic

Warnings: Tooth-rotting fluff

~Velvet~

~ This girl isn’t very affectionate. So most of the hugging and kissing will be done by you. She may act like it annoys her, but she likes it. She even secretly craves it.

~ Velvet’s love languages are words of affirmation(receiving) and gifts(receiving and giving). Please tell her that you love her and that you’re proud of her. It will make her day. She lives for any kind of praise.

~ She loves gifts. Even though she has lots of money and things already, getting things just hits different for her when she didn’t buy it herself. She keeps anything you give her on a special shelf in her room. She also gives you gifts sometimes. Most of the things she gives you are expensive, like designer clothes or the latest phone model. She likes the look on your face when she gifts them to you, and of course the thanks you give her.

~ Velvet will defend you with her life. If somebody ever wrongs you, they’re banned from all her shows. If it’s somebody on the internet, she’s fully prepared to send her fans after them. She’ll then do her best to make you forget about the person completely. She says things like: “They don’t know what they’re talking about. They clearly don’t know you at all, otherwise they’d know better.” and “Just forget about them. Idiots like them are a waste of time.”

~ She likes doing your hair. Her hair styling skills are amazing, so it always comes out great. Sometimes, she uses you to test out styles she might do on herself.

~Veneer~

~ Oh, goodness. Veneer is clingy. He doesn’t get a lot of attention from his parents or Velvet, so you’re his only source of it. He needs it to survive. But he’ll be happy to give some affection back! In fact, he’s very affectionate. He gives the best hugs and kisses!

~ Veneer’s very caring. He always makes sure you’re feeling okay both physically and mentally. If he senses that you may be the tiniest bit not okay, he’ll drop everything to be with you.

~ He’s a cuddler. He loves cuddles, he can’t get enough of them. If you two are ever just chilling alone, every time he ends up wrapping his arms and legs around you in a hug. And he will not let go for at least an hour.

~ Veneer spoils you so much. He probably buys more things for you than for himself. When you told him that you’re running out of room because of all the stuff he gives you, he seriously offered to buy you another house. There’s no way to stop the spoiling. Just bear with it.

~ He may not be able to stand up to Velvet for himself, but he won’t hesitate to stand up for you. Nobody, not even his sister, is allowed to be rude to you.

~ Veneer’s really good at comforting. It breaks his heart when you’re upset, so he uses everything in his power to make you happy again. He’ll talk to you, telling you that everything’s gonna be okay. Within a few minutes, you won’t even remember what you were sad about.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~baileypie-writes

[impishjesters]

Agents of Cat-astrophe

warning(s): none unless you count Jax note(s): This gave me a good chuckle as someone who's consistently dropping more curse words than regular words, I'd imagine the system to just censor anything and everything that comes out of my mouth at that point. A/N: (In response to the requester) I wish I was taking breaks (I mean I am sorta), I'm fully aware I'm running myself ragged right now. But it's hard for me to stop myself... I'm caffeinated and chaotic and I don't wanna stew in my brain for too long. At least I get up and stretch every now and then. Request: Anyways, I’m requesting a Jax x reader (crushing stage) where the reader is sorta at the same level of meanness as Jax and likes to do pranks with him on the other characters. Also the reader’s digital form is a short cat that at first glance makes them look nice/friendly (obviously not an actual cat but yk what I mean), and they have a sailor’s mouth that is unfortunately censored but that doesn’t stop them (can also purr and does so when they’re content which is usually when there chilling in Jax’s room or with Jax in general). I think it would be fun if the reader surprisingly was sorta nicer to Kinger and has a small soft spot for him and does more playful pranks on him than mean/harmful ones.

When you first showed up, you looked so small and frail, like a literal little kitten completely out of place in this big colourful nightmare world

Ragatha thought you’d be like Pomni, and boy howdy was she wrong

You just ended up being another Jax—who you later met and found out was also an agent of chaos

Similarly to Pomni you cursed up a storm when you first arrived and the endless censorship that came with it

You have a knack for testing Caine’s patience when it comes to your sailor’s mouth, much to Jax’s entertainment. It’s not every day Caine loses his cool like that and you’re just a newbie, needless to say, you caught his interest

That sailor’s mouth also gets used towards the other’s and Jax won’t lie and say it’s not funny because shit’s hilarious.

Sure they all curse from time to time, but you just laid out an entire sentence that was completely and utterly censored. Like the system said “fuck this I’m gonna censor the whole damn sentence”

Unlike Jax who doesn’t show any remorse for who he pranks or how cruel they are, you draw the line at messing with Kinger.

Okay, that’s a lie you still mess with him but it’s not like how you mess with the others. Kinger has this sweet unstable dad/grandpa vibe and it kind of makes the place more homey in a weird way. (plus that man has been through enough trauma, give him a break, and talk about his bug collections or some shit)

The upside is that his mind is so scattered sometimes that using the same pranks on him always results in something hilarious. So you really don’t need to try for any new material. (he also really needs to consider actually using the lock on his door, he makes it too easy)

Jax considered you his little partner in crime the more time passed—not exactly a friend nah, but like a good ol pal that also likes to partake in joining him and his bullshittery

The first time he hears you purring is when the two of you are lazing about in his room, he’d gotten distracted collecting things for a prank on someone and heard the loudest rumbling coming from behind him

“Are you fucking purring?”

It’s a little embarrassing at first, you’ve uh, never done that before..

Jax has the biggest shit-eating grin, if he wasn’t using dumb cat-themed nicknames before he sure as hell is now

“Oh, like you don’t stomp your feet like a petulant child you overgrown rabbit.”

He does not stomp his fuckin feet like a temperamental rabbit, thank you very much (that’s a fuckin lie if I ever heard one)

Jax already had mixed feelings about you before, nothing particularly bad, just feelings he couldn’t place…that was until the prank…

He doesn’t know how you did it, or how he got so wrapped up in it. But you pranked him, and you pranked him good.

Oh, oh okay that feeling is new… butterflies don’t typically belong inside your gut, now whether Jax has ever experienced a crush before or not is probably beyond him. But these little butterflies are a bitch and it takes awhile of placing two and two together to realize he’s… caught feelings to some degree

You, however, probably had a crush on him for a while, perhaps really noticing it after the whole purring fiasco when you learned that it only happened around Jax

[not-magdi]

The one bed trope

Summary: Having to share a bed with your best friend because what could possibly go wrong?

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1k

A/N

I didn't do any proofreading because it's way too late for my brain to function so apologies for any mistakes I made.

Between playing for the national team and having to be back in Barcelona, the players got a few days off to recover a bit. And since many barça players also played for Spain, they decided to rent a house and enjoy their little holiday together. 

A few players had their partners with them, wanting to spend the little time they had together.  

Normally, only girlfriends were allowed on these little get-togethers well, there is one exception. 

The one and only Y/N Y/L/N, best friend and obvious secret crush of Pablo Gavi. The two of them met when Pablo threw a ball at Y/N's face and laughed at her as she started crying.  

After his parents forced him to apologize to her, the two of them became friends. She started to attend his football games, and he helped her learn for her tests. 

Y/N was the first he came to when a game didn't go like he wanted it to, the only one who could calm him down after his temper got the best of him. 

Pablo protected Y/N with everything he had. A boy treated her badly? Ohh, believe me, Pablo had his head. She called him crying because school stressed her? That boy came running to her house at lightspeed. 

 Nothing and nobody could separate these two, they always tried to do as much as they could together. So her going on holiday with him was no surprise. 

The Sevillian is currently driving to the airport to pick Y/N up, she is arriving a day later as she could get time off sooner. 

Waiting at the arrival hall, a smile grew on his face as he saw Y/N's bright orange hoodie she stole from him and worn religiously for the past 12 years. The ends were starting to frizz and the color was not nearly what it used to be. 

A slap on the back of his head rips him out of his thoughts, blinking rapidly he sees the orange hoodie standing before him. 

"You back in the real world again?" 

"Y-yeah sorry, I'm still a bit tired" Scratching the back of his neck out of embarrassment he answers. 

Accepting his answer Y/N engulfs Pablo in a tight hug, hiding her face into his neck. Happy to be back together with her Pablito again. 

"I missed you Pablo-Bear" she mumbles into his neck, tightening her arms around him. 

"Mhm, missed you too you big teddy" 

Pablo hoped Y/N couldn't feel how his heart was nearly beating out of his chest, and how his cheeks were the same color as cherries.

After they were done hugging for about five minutes he grabbed her suitcase and basically dragged her to his car. 

"Woah Pablo slow down, nobody is chasing us!" 

"I know but I can't wait for you to see the house, it's so beautiful" 

Laughing Y/N lets herself be dragged to the car, the touch of Pablo's hand against hers hot on her skin. 

They arrived at the house after a short drive, Y/n being completely mesmerized by the beauty of the house, nearly running into a plant pot while staring at one of the big windows. 

After greeting everybody, Y/N decided to unpack her things. Following Pablo up to her room she walks in behind him. Confused Y/N looks around the room, seeing clothes scattered around the room. 

" Pablo ... am I sharing with someone?"

"Y-yeah um funny story actually ... you're kind of sharing with me"

"O-oh um ok, yeah sure no problem ... but are we sharing a bed too?"

"No! ... well yes! Umm o-only if you want w-we don't have to ... I can totally sleep on the couch if you want"

"N-no ... no problem at all, I mean it's not the first time we sleep in the same bed right?"

It would be the same right?

Well, nothing much changed since then, only the way Y/N's heart jumps every time his brown eyes look at her, or how her stomach feels all warm and fuzzy when she sees his beautiful smile, and the way his eyes shine while he does it.

But hey what could possibly go wrong? 

Well after unpacking and meeting everybody at the pool they discussed what they wanted to do for the week. The whole time she could feel Pablo's eyes on her, tracing every move she made.

Now they were all sitting on the outside lounge letting a peaceful day come to an end.

After yawning for the tenth time Y/N decides to call it a day, waking the sound-asleep Pablo who is cuddled up to her she bids the whole group goodbye taking the sleepy boy with her.

Arriving at their room Pablo immediately flops down onto the mattress.

"Pablo come on you need to change you can't sleep in jeans"

"Hmpf nooo let me sleep in peace"

Climbing into the bed next to him she cuddles herself into the blanket. After she feels the bed dip behind her she turns around, only to be met with Pablo already looking at her.

"Goodnight Pablito"

"Night Y/N, sleep well"

Minutes turned into hours and Y/N was still tossing around, not able to fall asleep. Little did she know that on the other side, Pablo had the same problem as her.

Suddenly she feels two arms wrap around her, tightening around her waist.

"I know you're asleep right now and I hope you can't hear me right now but I just wanted to tell you that you have no idea how much you mean to me and that I hope that one day I have the courage to actually tell you how much I love you and not in a friend way. I know you probably don't feel the same but I just have to get that off my chest. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to look you in the eyes anymore."

"Don't worry your secret's safe with me"

"Fuck you're awake ... Y/N I'm so sorry please forget what I said. I don't want to lose you over t-"

Shutting him up with a kiss on his plump lips she leans over wrapping her arms around his neck.

"You have no idea how long I've waited for you to say this"

"S-so you f-feel the same?"

"Yes, I really really like you too"

Kissing her again the two of them fall asleep together, Pablo having Y/N in his arms, the same since they were kids.

Or was it the same?

No, it was way better this time <3

[cybunii]

BAD ROMANCE

a/n: i have no idea how this took so long but im so glad i finished it >< hope the last bit (smut) is good, i rushed it </3

pairing: Leon Kennedy x F! Reader

cw: age difference, fingering, p in v, some mention of nicknames, porn with plot, kinda late christmas? could be any leon but i thought of di leon ヾ(•ω•`)

-

It was getting close to Christmas time, and your family’s annual party was just around the corner, in only a few days.  

Decorating was your favorite part, making sure each table was perfect, stringing lights up, and color-matching flowers down to the hex code. 

You weren’t a big fan of the people, making the same basic conversation repeatedly. Politeness was handed out to every person there, never to see them again until the next year. 

You had finished everything else, now making the personalized greeting cards. It was a nice way to see who was coming. 

Being so close to Christmas, it was nice to destress. All the last-minute essays and tests practically drove you crazy. 

You recognized a few names, adding a little more detail to them.

You came across a blank one you haven’t started on yet, the name card reading ‘Leon S Kennedy’. 

You can’t remember the last time you saw him. Being busy at college and him coming over randomly made it hard to interact at all, your dad texting you during class that he showed up. You didn’t understand why he pushed it so hard. 

Sure, he may be a good guy, but the age gap made conversations awkward. You enjoyed talking, but there was nothing in common. 

“A stern intimidating government agent and a cute college girl.”

You giggle at the thought, that sentence sounding like a bad porno. 

You continue working on the card, trying to personalize it like you had done with the others. 

A quick walk around the place and you nod to yourself, finally done with everything. 

Now to wait until the boring party, what could go wrong?

-

The days leading up to the event came and went, and the stressful day is now upon you.

You laid an outfit out the night before, almost going through every article of clothing you owned before finding the perfect outfit. 

You spun around in the mirror, checking every angle before walking out of your room and into the kitchen. 

Your mom and dad were in a heated conversation, arguing about rides and whatnot. 

You gave them a weird look and cleared your throat, making them both look at you in what looked like surprise, shock and worry. “Oh- Hey hun” Your dad stuttered out, quickly hugging you. An obvious distraction from the conversation they were just having. You stand back and cross your arms, giving him a knowing look. 

He huffs, walking over and standing beside your mom, nudging her with his elbow. She rolls her eyes and steps forward, taking your hand and sitting you down at the kitchen table. “I'm assuming you heard a good bit of that, so I'll be completely honest with you.” She sighed, her stern eyes quickly glaring at your dad. “Somebody- I wont say who. Offered to pick a few people up, so you'll have to ride with…someone else”

You give her a puzzled look, scrunching your face up. “Okay..? I can just drive there-”

“We already told someone you'd ride with them” Your dad interrupts, a guilty look on his face. You groan, placing your head in your hands, trying to calm yourself a little bit. You sigh, looking back up. “Well, who is this mystery driver?” 

They both look at each other, your mom softly patting your leg before she stands up. “They'll be here soon…”

You sigh again, shaking your head back and forth. “Very descriptive, thank you. When will they be here?” You grumble, standing up. You hear the low rumble of a car pulling up, and you can practically feel the bass through the floors of whatever loud music they are playing. 

“Speak of the devil!” Your dad cheerfully exclaims, slowly making his way to the door. 

You quickly rush up the stairs, needing to grab your bag and put on your shoes. 

You slip on your shoes and your ears perk up at the sound of a deep laugh. You hear a few laughs and three voices, your mom and dad, and a voice you don't quite recognize.  

You finish getting fully ready and crack your door open, hoping to get a small look at the mystery person.

“Hey! There she is!” Your mom yells, her tone almost demanding you make your way back down to them. 

You internally groan, taking a deep breath before you quickly make your way down the stairs. 

Immediately making eye contact with Leon as you step into the kitchen. 

Your mouth dries up at the sight of him, your greetings and perfect gestures leaving your head, making it blank. 

I mean, he's drop-dead gorgeous? You know it had been quite a few years since you last saw him, but you didn't think he could get more attractive. 

His sleek pants and black dress shirt fit him perfectly, clinging to the muscles that desperately wanted to break out. His worn leather jacket is on top of that. 

He was tall and lean. His muscled and tan frame was framed by his intense eyes and soft smile. Dark short hair, almost black. Even though he looked tough, a faint smirk could be seen playing on the edges of his lips, reminding you that there's more to this agent than his exterior suggests.

His eyes squint down at you and you get knocked out of your gaze, your eyes widening for a split second. 

“Hey, Leon! It's been a while since I saw you” You say with a smile, your normal self returning. 

He chuckles, the low tone of it surprising you. “Yeah, thought you were avoiding me,” He says, crossing his arms, his piercing eyes never leaving yours. 

You awkwardly laugh, your hand shooting up to rub the back of your neck. “Just been a bit busy at college is all” 

“Enjoying your break so far?” 

You raise your eyebrows at that question, the tone Leon used almost sending chills down your spine, in a good way. 

“Uh yeah, so far…” You mumble, your eyes darting over to your parents for a second, the look on your face begging for a little help. Your mom suddenly claps her hands together, startling the three of you. “Well, we need to go pick up some people. So we will meet you at the party, okay?” She smiles, basically pushing all of us outside. 

“Well let's get going sweetheart, don't wanna be late,” He says with a smirk, making his way over to his parked car. You hurriedly make your way after him, getting in the passenger seat after he unlocked the doors. 

He turns the car on and the music blasts through the radio, the sudden loud noise making you jump a little in your seat. He laughs and turns it down, muttering a small “sorry..” as he pulls out of the driveway. 

His brows furrowed as he flipped through the radio with his free hand, his other gripped on the steering wheel. 

He lets out a small approving noise, settling on a song that you've never heard of. 

A weird wave of tension fills the air, and both of you are suddenly aware of each other in the car. 

Trying to find a distraction, your eyes wander over to him. 

The way his arms flex when he moves, his rough hands gripping the wheel, the serious expression he is wearing as he's driving. You find yourself captivated by his every movement, the sudden dryness of your eyes pulling you out of your trance. 

He suddenly smirks. “You with me?” He teases, looking at you out of the corner of his eye.

Your face flushes, your loud and racing heartbeat making it hard to think. You shyly nod, looking out the windshield. 

He chuckles, his eyes returning to the road in front of him. 

“So, what’s so cool about this party?” 

Your ears perk up at that question, not realizing he had never been. 

“Oh, it’s kinda hard to explain. It’s just a nice get-together for the town” You say, trying to explain but still sounding as vague as possible. 

“It has food and drinks, and little things here and there. Oh, and a Secret Santa towards the end! That’s my favorite part” You smile, knowing the present you bought was already sitting on the huge table. 

“Good thing your old man told me about that part, wouldn’t want to show up empty-handed” He smirks, gesturing to the wrapped present he had in the backseat. 

You raise your eyebrows at that, not expecting him to bring anything, and also wondering what he had in that box. 

“I would ask but I guess that would ruin the surprise for later” You laugh, placing a finger over your lips. 

“Exactly” 

After talking for a few minutes, the tension almost disappeared, which made you happy. Finally talking to him made you realize what a waste it was to miss out on the other times. 

While he still had walls up and still made you incredibly nervous. His dry humor and good looks made up for all that. 

Depending on how many times you see him in the future, you think you could be really good friends.

You finally pull up to the place after what feels like hours, taking a nice deep breath of the cold air as you step out of the car.  

He leans against the hood of his car, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. “Go ahead sweet thing, I’ll just be a few” You eye him up and down, before nodding, quickly walking in the doors. 

Your eyes widen a bit, looking around at the sea of people. This has to be the biggest party yet, and it wasn’t even the correct time for people to show up. 

Your parents rush to you as you open the doors, already looking stressed. 

“We might need your help this time around, handing out drinks and whatnot” 

You slowly nod, maybe working and busting your ass for these random people will make you forget about the sweet compliments and the bad intentions. 

-

You walk around the venue for hours, handing out beer, water, and maybe kegs of champagne. 

You honestly didn’t understand how people could drink that much, but it’s not like there was a set limit to how much they could take. Your parents were also guilty of that, buying so much. 

You find your way outside, resting on the uncomfortable cold brick wall. Taking in a nice deep breath, you audibly sigh, finally taking your much-needed break. 

You may still be on your feet, but it’s a nice break regardless. 

“Tired?” A low voice asks.

You turn your head a bit, making eye contact with Leon. 

“Don’t tell me you’ve been out here the whole time” You laugh, shaking your head back and forth like a disappointed parent. 

“Nah, I’ve been in a few times. Saw you being a little waitress in there” He says, a clear smirk on his face as he exhales, allowing smoke to slowly exit his parted lips. 

“I never served you, what did you drink?” 

“Nothing, very limited choices. I’m a whiskey kinda guy” He shrugs, grinding his lit cigarette out into a nearby ashtray. 

You hum, nodding your head. 

Looking him up and down, you could tell he was that type of guy, you can’t really put your finger on the specifics though.

A few minutes pass, complete silence from the both of you. 

It wasn’t awkward this time, just weird tension again. 

“Are you going back in?” He asks, lighting up another one of his cigarettes. 

“Not right this second…” You sigh, leaning your head against the wall. 

He chuckles a bit, amused at your expression. 

“Not big on small talk, but you’re too interesting” He murmurs, sparing a small glance at you. 

“You’re not so bad, kid.” He winks, blowing the smoke out again. 

You aren’t too big on smoking but god is it tempting to start just for him. 

The way he looks at you while he blows the smoke out, makes you want to inhale anything he’s willing to let out. 

“Ah, thanks.” You say after a few seconds, deciding not to focus too much on the small name he ended that with. 

“You’re cool, I guess…” You shrug, a small smirk appearing on your lips. 

He raises an eyebrow, scoffing as if he’s actually offended. 

“Cooler than you” He laughs, rolling his eyes. 

“Yeah right” You quickly reply back, crossing your arms. 

This small back-and-forth almost makes you nauseous, if anyone else tried what he’s doing? You’d immediately walk away. 

How far could this even go? It’s wrong, but right in so many ways. 

You could fight with yourself for ages, or you could enjoy the little bit of flirting that he’s offering up. 

He seems pretty interested, and you weren’t too far off from ditching this boring party and going home with him. 

“So…” You started off with, deciding to ditch your screaming mind and go with your heart. 

“You secretly married with kids or something?” 

Leon laughs at that, shaking his head in what seems to be disbelief. “Took my ring off before I came here..” 

You shrug, making a point to keep your hands up. 

“Can’t chase after a married man.”

He hums, looking forward as he exhales the smoke again. 

The silence after is deafening, only listening to the sounds of crickets and cars in the distance. 

“You want to get out of here?”

He suddenly asks, throwing his cigarette to the side. 

-

Like you’d say no to that

-

The next moments are a blur, completely skipping over the awkward car ride and the quick fumbling to get in the door for his keys.  

Skipping when he grabs you with no effort, holding you up as he kisses you like it’s the last thing he’ll do, like a dying man’s last meal. 

Hoisting you up the stairs, and throwing you onto his bed. 

He makes a show of taking off his clothes. 

Carefully slipping off his blazer, undoing his tie with ease, and throwing it across the room. Unhooking his belt but leaving it looped through the pants, slowly pulling down his zipper, his boxers peeking through.

You watch him do everything, not bothering to take off your own clothes, but he’ll take care of that.

Leon crawls on the bed, only stopping once he’s on top of you, his gaze carefully inspecting every inch of your body under him. 

He lets out a low whistle when he’s done, meeting your eyes once again. 

“Look at you…”

He purrs, his grin now forming into a wolfish smirk.

“Where should I start first, hm?” 

His hands trail your waist, quickly making his way to your thighs, lightly squeezing them. 

He wastes no time in tearing your pants off, not bothering to even acknowledge the little sound of a rip, throwing them to the floor.

He runs his thumb on the outside of your soaked panties, smirking as he feels how wet they are. You shudder at the feeling, your thighs instinctively opening wider for him. 

“So eager for me already…”

He murmurs, placing a soft kiss on the inner side of your thigh, making you let out a small gasp.

His fingers hook around the band of your underwear, sliding them down until they are completely off, discarding them with the rest of the now-forgotten clothes. You don't care if you never see those panties again, you’d happily give them to him as a late christmas gift. 

He runs his fingers through your wet folds, coating them in slick before pushing two in carefully, his eyes watching your every reaction. You draw in a sharp breath, your hands weakly grasping onto the sheets. 

He thrusts them deeper into you, hitting spots you could only imagine trying to get on your own. It definitely feels better when he's doing it, his rough thick fingers going in and out of you, making obscene noises that could put a porno to shame. 

His thumb rubs against your clit while his other hand pumps in and out of your tight pussy, creating an intense sensation of pleasure and desire for more. 

The combination of stimulation from both inside and outside your pussy makes you feel overwhelmed with lust and arousal. Your body responds instinctively, arching off the bed as he continues to fuck your gushing cunt with his thick digits. Your juices flow freely, drenching the mattress beneath you as he fills you up completely.

“Making such pretty noises, feeling good?”

"..yeah... fuck... I need you inside of me..." You say between gasps, still trying to catch your breath as you look at him through lidded eyes, desire and lust all over your face. 

He chuckles softly, his voice deep and sensual as he pulls out of you. "Good girl," he says before he positions himself at your entrance once again, holding onto your hips tightly as he prepares to sink back inside of you. 

His cock throbs with anticipation, eager to fill you up completely once more. As he pushes forward, the head slides past your tight entrance, causing you to let out another moan of pleasure. 

The feeling of being filled by him sends shivers down your spine and makes every nerve in your body tingle with excitement.

Leon smirks down at you, his eyes burning with pure lust as he watches your reaction. 

"You like that, don't you?" he asks, his voice low and gravelly as he leans down to place kisses on your neck while he fucks you effortlessly.

His hips move rhythmically, driving his cock deeper into your cunt with each thrust, filling you up completely.

The sound of skin slapping against skin fills the air as he fucks you relentlessly, his powerful movements causing you to stretch and clench around him. You can feel the heat emanating from your core as your body tries to accommodate his size.

"..fuckk....." You moan, unable to contain yourself as he drives himself even further inside of you. "I'm so close... so fucking close."

But before you reach your climax, there's still more for him to do. 

He continues to pound away at your cunt, pushing you closer and closer to the edge until you are on the verge of exploding with pleasure, having to chase his own high while he focuses on yours. 

The intensity builds up as he works harder and faster, pushing himself towards his own orgasm while trying to please you. 

His balls slap against your thighs with every powerful stroke, as he tries to bring both of you to climax together.

"..fuck, pretty girl takin me so well...." 

He grunts out loudly between breaths, as he feels his own arousal building up inside him, he tries to maintain control over his ejaculation, but it seems like it's becoming difficult for him to do so. 

"Gonna cum soon..." he growls, reaching down and gripping your hips tightly. “..bury it deep inside you..bet you'd like that,” You eagerly nod in agreement while trying to rock your hips against him.

Your lidded eyes are locked onto his, and you can see the desire burning within them. With one final push, you let out a drawn-out moan, signaling your own release.

Meanwhile, Leon feels the telltale signs of his own impending orgasm as he watches you ride out your own pleasure, and he releases his own load with a grunt, burying himself deeper into you as spurt after spurt of thick, white cum shoots into you. 

The moment his cock finally stops pulsing and releasing its load, he gasps heavily, pulling out of you slowly while looking at you intently. 

He looks relieved, but also satisfied as he looks at the cum flowing out of your wet cunt, slowly pooling beneath you.  

"You look so hot right now," he suddenly says, his voice barely above a whisper as he runs his hand through his disheveled hair.

Leon stares at you for a moment longer before settling in next to you, kissing you gently on the forehead as he pulls you against him.

"Mmm...who would've thought the party ended this way…" he whispers softly into your ear before planting a series of tender kisses along your jawline and down your neck.

"This is definitely not how I imagined things going tonight," You admit, your voice barely above a whisper. "But I must say…I'm really enjoying this."

He pauses and looks at you with an arrogant look. “Oh really? I couldn't tell” He mumbles, a clear smirk on his face.

- 

The back and forth lasts for what feels like forever, finally falling asleep hours later. 

You may have ignored cleaning up and telling your parents where you were, but you'll deal with that tomorrow. 

But right now?

You'll enjoy peacefully sleeping in his arms. 

-

word count: 3.5k

[aneveningsword]

Hi! Tw: sh. Would you be willing to write a Jordan li x fem reader one shot where they bicker a lot (maybe like academic rivals or something) but then Jordan some how finds out that reader self harms (maybe like sees some cuts when a sleeve moves or something if they’re sparring or during class?) and so they put their bickering and rivalry aside to make sure that she gets help? If not no worries but I thought I’d ask/put it out into the universe

Hi anon! Thank you so much for the request, I'm so excited to fulfil it. I hope it's up to standard and what you are looking for

pairing: Jordan Li x fem!reader warnings: not proofread, mentions of self-harm words: 909 summary: basically the ask

masterlist

It was well known within Goldukin that the two biggest rivals were you and Jordan Li. You two had been neck and neck from the beginning, always switching places in the ranking, always trying to one-up another in classes. It was getting exhausting just watching you two go back and forth trying to outsmart the other while half the people around you had no clue what you were talking about.

Jordan was always one to bicker, correcting you with that stupid smug grin, showing off their test scores with a mocking pout. It was infuriating, but just as much as they annoyed you, you annoyed them. How you seemed to effortlessly know everything, how you had such control of your powers, how you so easily gave their snarky words right back at them. You took up so much space in their mind that the only way not to admit it was love was to believe it was hate.

Hate because you were seemingly everything they were not. You were so put together, you had it all brains and beauty. Only a fool would not be jealous of you, and Jordan Li was no fool. In their mind, they believed that you too hated them, for being such a large obstacle on your path to the top. But even someone so smart could be so wrong.

It was hard trying to be the best, to get perfect scores, to have such control over your powers, to be liked by so many. It consumed every moment, not even in sleep could you escape the stress. Your body began to feel it, losing hair, bags under your eyes, losing sleep. It made you feel horrible, a shell of yourself, an imposter parading around people much better than you. There was no time to rest, no time for a moment to consider your mental health, not when a single mishap could spell you losing it all.

Despite the stress of your life, the stress Jordan added to it unknowingly. You held deep feelings for them, feelings you did not want to classify as love, so instead you believed it to be disdain. There was no room in your life for love, for friends, for parties, for every waking moment was spent obsessing about your scores.

You can’t remember when it started, perhaps by accident, perhaps on purpose in a desperate attempt to find a release. But you remember when you couldn’t stop, not when it allowed the stress and heartache to leave you for a moment. It was like a drug, consuming your mind and body, a compulsion to do it, to harm yourself. It was a disease that you didn’t have a cure for.

Hiding this was something you had to fine art, you hand various jackets, gloves, long sleeve shirts to wear. No one bated the eyes at what you wore, why would they? It was all perfectly normal, there was no reason to think you were hiding the thing you were most ashamed of under a thin piece of cloth. 

It was by complete accident that Jordan saw the scars, the movement of your hand reaching up to grab something exposing them just enough for them to figure out what they were. For a moment they did not wish to believe it, that someone so put together like you was secretly falling apart. That the scars they saw weren’t from a cat or botched training session. But instead done purposely by your hand, that you would subject yourself to that pain. Was it because you believed you deserved it? Was it a release of sorts? A way to escape the pressure?

Their hand was so gentle as it grasped your wrist, eyes big and full of worry as your own met theirs. Just as confusion was clear on your face, sorrow was clear on theirs. You racked your brain trying to figure out what may cause this large shift in Jordan, no longer bickering or scoffing at you but instead looking at you like you had destroyed a beautiful artwork. In a small way you did, for to them, you were the closest thing they had come to an angle. They believed you were untouchable, above it all. But even angels fall sometimes.

There was a long moment of pause as Jordan struggled to find the right words to say, and how to approach the topic. Yet, there was only one question they could think of asking. “Why? Why would you do this to yourself?” Their voice was soft, body close to yours as their hand still delicately held your wrist. For a moment you are confused by the question before you pale and a sense of dread fills you. You could deny it, swear up and down that they are mistaken. But what was the point? The evidence was there and Jordan knew.

“I-I…” Your voice turns watery as you think of an answer, just something to say in your defence. But tears spring to your eyes, yet to fall and trail down your cheeks. A small ‘tsk’ leaves Jordan as they pull you into an embrace. Your hands grip their clothing as though they would disappear and Jordan wonders how long this has been going on, how long you have felt this way. But they know now and come hell or high water they would help you.

“It’s okay, we’ll get you some help. I’m not going anywhere.”

[lemonhemlock]

Really not looking to start ship wars in your asks so please don’t take this a certain way or anything, you are one of the only helaemond friendly team green blogs I know! I like all the Greencest ships but am particular to helaemond and it’s been so weird to see how TG fandom has turned on these shippers. I get having problems with how Aemond has been written this season, but even before season 2 came out people were making fun of them, there’s a whole dumb Helaemond vs Helaegon ship argument that in all honesty seems fairly one sided, and now it’s a popular discourse about how hoping they (helaemond) have some scenes together in what remains of the 3 episodes we have left 😭 is treating her character poorly. Nevermind there is also no chance for us to explore her and Aegon meaningful either (I actually loved their first scene this season but anyway it is clear that is not happening) and we all want to see more of her? I don’t know it’s all very frustrating, I get people have preferences for one ship over another, it just comes across so mean spirited when we all obviously like the same characters. I also don’t remember it being this way for a very long time, I was lurking in season 1 and over hiatus. This is all so recent 🥲

It's all right, anon, I don't mind the occasional ship discourse. It's been a while, hasn't it? :)) I haven't been on twitter in ages, but is it really that different now than it's been during the hiatus? Because I remember people being very anti-helaemond all the time, I don't even think there was a time where this ship wasn't being called into question over every little thing. Not to mention generally nasty behaviour towards shippers.

It's no secret I've been unimpressed with Aemond's development this season. I am still looking forward to the Phia-Ewan scenes, especially since they revealed they were playing them with a helaemond twist in mind, even though it will remain subtext. But the compounding problem is that they haven't done anything with Helaena this season either. Her big event was minimized as much as possible and her descent into madness wasn't even removed because they wanted her to be less incapacitated. They're not giving her anything to do now post-B&C either! She is simply sitting in rooms or walking down corridors, not having much of an opinion on anything and completely uninvolved in the lives of her family or in the conflict. She is being written without much agency at all: she is the queen, yet she doesn't even seek out anyone or initiate a conversation by herself - everything simply happens to her.

The helaemond vs helaegon argument remains dumb, because they're both equally underdeveloped on screen (the first is subtext, the second is..... criminally absent). Basically the pot calling the kettle black. In both ships and, unfortunately, in all her relationships seemingly, Helaena is just a projection for the other person to react to. She makes Alicent feel sad, Aegon feel awkward and Aemond covetous. Will we ever get a scene that's about Helaena? Forget the Bechdel test, we'll have to resort to the Helaena Targaryen test

So, in that regard, IDEK what kind of interaction she could possibly have with Aemond at this point. Will her story yet again be subordinated to her interlocutor? I hope I'm wrong, but at this point, I expect the scenes between them will actually end up being about Aemond and his characterisation. Will he be the one who figures out her gift of prophecy while she simply exists alongside him in a room? Remember that she never even received one scene next to Dreamfyre - but Aemond did!

It's just so unbalanced and it goes beyond any shipping wars - Helaena doesn't have an arc. She never received one in the first place. In the last episode, she acted the same way she did in S01E08. There's no emotional progression to her character: so far, she's been threatened by Meleys, become queen, had one child brutally murdered in front of her, witnessed her mother's affair and now her brother lies on his deathbed, with an incapacitated dragon, effectively leaving them with only Vhagar operational in a full-blown war. She was a little sad and now she's over it and back to her baseline melancholia. Come on.

It's not the concept of helaemond that's treating her character poorly. It's the fact that they have no idea what to do with her apart from having her glide throughout the castle like a ghost.

[itachis-eyes]

Naruto's Good Faith VS Kawaki's Upbringing

Good morning, yes, I'm Borutoposting again.

One of my favorite things about the introduction of Kawaki into the series and his eventual hyper obsession over Naruto is how real it is.

Naruto did not expect and was not prepared- and would have never been prepared for how attached and ultra protective Kawaki would become of him. It's not Naruto's fault, nor is it Kawaki's, no one was equipped to deal with this correctly. It reached the only natural outcome it could.

Kawaki's life sucked. It really just did! Out of many characters he definitely had the right to excuse his behavior on his upbringing- he literally did not know anything different. His biological Father used him as a punching bag, sold him off for cash, and then his new "father figure" Jigen experimented on him and ruthlessly trained him to become his next vessel. There was literally no love in his life, Jigen reminded him of this every chance he could. Jigen is not even an effective manipulator (like Orochimaru was), Kawaki hated every second he spent there and had no loyalty for Jigen. He directly expresses in conversation with Boruto that he wishes the experiment was a failure and he had died.

So Kawaki just has...no one! No one at all he can trust. Everyone is an enemy to him, and it's not until Naruto holds him and tells him he's safe after Kawaki accidentally triggers himself that his feelings for Naruto begin to change.

For the first time in his life, he has a Father figure who cares. Who genuinely cares about his health, well-being, and about forming relationships with other people (seeing as he wants him and Boruto to get along as well). Despite Kawaki consistently testing him (because it has to be a farce right? I'm just some punk nobody--), Naruto never resorts to physical violence to "punish" or "correct" Kawaki. There's plenty of chidings for him misbehaving and starting fights, but not a single blow.

I'd say that's great strides for a man who very often used to boast about wanting to break every bone in Sasuke's body to drag him back to Konoha. I like this development. He knows Kawaki needs a gentle hand and a figure he can trust implicitly. He gives that figure to Kawaki, and it works.

But Kawaki doesn't just go from 0 to 100. He goes from 0 to 1000. There was never going to be any reality where Kawaki forms a normal Father/Son attachment to Naruto. He became Kawaki's everything, and Naruto was not prepared for the intensity of Kawaki's attachment and desire to protect him.

And nothing could be done about that! Naruto didn't do anything wrong, he treated Kawaki incredibly well. He gave him the security and shelter that Kawaki craved. But he- nor anyone else, was not ready that Kawaki would go that far.

To us readers- the writing is on the wall. We could see it from a mile away. But to the characters within, they just didn't have any tools to predict it nor deal with it, nor prevent Kawaki's attachment from progressing to the point he unintentionally used Eida's omnipotence to completely rewrite everyone's history of his and Boruto's positions in their lives.

Kawaki's transition makes perfect sense. It really wasn't gonna go any other way. I'm so glad it was written that way.

[agirlandherquill]

through the puddles of ink

since it's a new academic year, a new chapter of my life and i thought, since i've been on tumblr for around eight months now that it's about time i properly introduced myself - this would shock the person i was when i first started this blog, but as it's grown so have i, and i think university has indefinitely helped my confidence - so, without further ado, here goes i'll start this properly by explaining the title of this post - through the puddle of ink

ink is important because obviously it is the basis of literature, the foundation of stories and fitting to my blog name, you dip the quill in the ink to write, to forge an adventure that tests the imagination and takes a reader to wonderful places and puddles because let's face it, ink is messy, ink is chaotic, just like me, my characters, and my writing and because through the looking glass is a very iconic title i also watched that movie in the cinema years ago, i took inspiration, and here we are now - this post is a reflection of me, the beautiful nightmares and writing gremlins that co-exist within my brain and a way for me to get to better know my mutuals, anyone and everybody on writeblr!

here comes the scary part - only for me, and my semi-awkward self - introducing myself, i've never been very good at this stuff so bear with me - and have mercy on my nervous soul,

for the longest time i've loved the sort of self-imposed anonymity of this blog, and don't get me wrong i still do adore my blog name but I thought it was about time I properly introduced myself, so, let me just shuffle some papers in the library of my mind, find the right phrasing for this and... (cue angry hitting of the keyboard) hello! my name is Erin and i'm a writer, a lover of chaos, and a semi-functioning tempest somehow existing within society - i love and ramble about lots of different things - books, shows, songs, you name it, i can waffle and sometimes i can waffle well (that is how i am now going to describe my writing, because it feels like it fits so well)

phew, i got that out, that tiny paragraph was a lot of effort (and i've beaten writers block more often than i can count)

this little post might not seem like much, but to me it's a lot, and i'm happy to have made it this far, and i'm so looking forward to continuing to grow alongside this blog and writeblr (i love you all, no seriously)

and now onto some very much needed rambling about my works, because there's a lot the lovely folk of writeblr are yet to know (and it will come, in time, but here's what i can say for now)

Ruin's Reprisal - we all know the tale of this, my oldest, most functioning (cough, using that term loosely) work - well, where to start? well, i'm on the final stage of proofreading, and once that's all done i'm hoping (let's be honest, dreaming,) to have the final draft complete and out in the great wide world come christmas/new year (that is a courageous goal, even for me, but who knows, maybe i can pull it off, just maybe)

A Deal Of Daggers - it's almost time for nanowrimo, which marks two years since the idea for this first came to me, and i cannot wait to spend autumn working on it (not that i am participating in nano properly this year, what with student-life obligations, but i'm going to write what i can) and i've been steadily chipping away with a few chapters already

those are my two main works, and probably the only works i've been focusing on over the last couple of months - and i've fallen completely and wholeheartedly in love with them all over again, as i do, every single time i open the files on scrivener

as far as my tired but over-eager to write brain can think this should be it for everything i wanted to include in this post until the next post (which won't be long, i can guarantee it),

~ Erin, A Girl and Her Quill, or whatever this hellscape would like to call me :)

~ ~ ~

now for the tag list! (i forgot to add it when i posted, oops!)

(p.s if you'd like to be included/notified too, interact with this post :))

@humbly-a-doppelganger @imawholeassmood @frostedlemonwriter @yrndrgn @abditorywriting

@riveriafalll @lead-to-code @casualsuitturtle @floweryprosegarden @joeys-piano

@catwingsathena @godsmostfuckedupgoblin @nothoughtsjustmhaandotherthings @anaisbebe

@drchenquill @leahnardo-da-veggie @tiredpapergirl @pastelpinkhobbies

[crystalsenergy]

the mind's entrapment and the heart's path (wtf? come here and see)

when we consider that people also make wrong choices because they are also in learning processes,

repeating others' steps is literally copying and pasting their mistakes into your life.

Why are you so afraid to follow yourself?

The mind seeks what worked for others, but this has always frustrated you and will continue to frustrate you because no path is the same...

Just think about the feeling of frustration when you search the internet for an answer to a completely personal and particular question, and nothing comes up that truly resonates.

Why?

Perhaps because the answer is not outside?!

Or because there is no encyclopedia in our existence with all the answers to every personal situation each of us has.

The mind seeks the quickest path,

which often will frustrate you, in the short or long term...

The heart, however, feels, lives, and vibrates with what truly makes sense on your personal path.

The amount of love I feel for a person is understood by me, and I cannot expect others to understand and feel the love I feel. The amount of happiness I feel in a career is felt and understood by me...

In other words: there is no experience by proxy.

It's the same as p0rn0gr4phy. People try to transfer themselves to someone else's external experience, FAKING feelings, desires, and sensations, but it's so false that it becomes a repetitive and vicious cycle, of roller coasters rather than something stable, true, and lasting.

After all, they are not experiencing it; they are manufacturing their own feelings.

Experiences MUST be lived by us.

I said it before and I repeat it now: there is no experience by proxy.

In the process of experience, we must connect, feel, perceive, because each experience will have a unique meaning depending on the person.

And each experience will occur according to what you need to learn and be now. Break free from the chains of patterns... connect to YOURSELF.

It is much more enjoyable and personal when it is about you, with you, for you (and I'm referring to anything in your life!).

It is important to understand that things must be what our essence wants to seek and achieve, not what others say it should be.

The other's path made sense to them. But it won't necessarily make sense to you (and there is more than a 90% chance it won't make sense to you).

Especially when we consider that people also make wrong choices because they are also in learning processes. Repeating others' steps is literally copying and pasting their mistakes into your life (adding this mistake to another: that of already avoiding yourself).

It’s like copying someone’s test in school or college, but doing this in life is even more serious because you will always be copying from others, and unlike a test, getting out of this mistake will cost a bit more time and energy.

So, why not start today reflecting on WHICH STEPS YOU HAVE TAKEN? And if you have been doing this to follow someone specific or society, stagnating or regressing in your own process of evolution? Why are you so afraid to follow yourself?

That is why a person gets so frustrated when seeking ready-made answers; when they watch videos looking for ready-made answers to their situation or what should be done.

There is no protocol for life. The script is your own path, to be discovered, painted, and filled in by you.

Look INSIDE, not outside.

That is why we don't understand the processes of others, let alone our own. It’s a mirror. When we don’t understand ourselves on our own path, we distance ourselves from our essence and from what the heart truly wants to point out.

When we don’t understand ourselves, how can we understand others?

And then we gradually distance ourselves from other attributes linked to the essence: intuition, empathy, sensitivity.

Because everything becomes mechanized, and thus, we disconnect from feeling, from self-connection, and from connection with others.

And, doing this, patterns are reinforced,

after all, people were constantly doing exactly what did not resonate with them, but which the world viralized and determined as right (but which worked for one, two, or a small group).

And then you distance yourself from understanding everything that is within the essence (intuition, connection w/ yourself, self-knowledge, truly knowing others) and everything that is particular and unique also becomes increasingly imperceptible to your eyes... becoming incomprehensible as well.

When you need answers, look inside, not outside.

[historixally-accurate]

good afternoon...sheepishly slides into your inbox...

sorry for nit appearing sooner, i had to go out yesterday and i was wiped, teehee.

i love writing letters and long form messages for people, its like my fucked up little love language or some shit. everytime i get to write a card for someone its like im giving them an entire english essay dawg

dumping 5 test papers on you and dipping for junehols is WILD even for primary school🤯🤯🤯 and you're so real for hatin on SG math. it was downhill from P1 for me. feel free to complain because i will understand dawg i am math's #1 hater.

i wish my teacher saw the kazuha blunt birthday gift the same way as you did. she told me to erase it :( LMAOOOO no hard feelings but it was funny while it lasted.

having HBG themed wallpapers fron everything is so cool thats sooooo positive aura brother😍😍me personally i just have my own art as my phone home screen...ahahaha im considering drawing 21mustard and putting him there instead.

its actually so cool to see soneone talk about nemerald and fyro like you do. i just feel like they go underappreciated too often D: if i actually had more tine to watch more vods i would draw them more often!!!!! WHY ARE EMERALDS STREAMS SOMEHOW ALWAYS MORE THAN LIKE 15 HOURS IM GOING TO RIOT mr emerald......please......have some pity on my poor SG ass......your skibidi aura is fading......

minesweeper speedrunning is actually something im doing from time to time, not really serious at all lmao. i think maybe i should livestream playing it to some of my friends one day. my reactions are always so funny. one time when i made a throw on par with one of poundy's i almost fell off my chair in deppsair. urm! anyway

i believe minesweeper is a beginner friendly game for everyone! its kinda like the chrome dinosaur game , its only for recreation.so i guess you could just call me a unnecessary sweat. my bad. i have this chronic illness called "must be competitive in all the wrong things".

COMPKETELY UNRELATED but im curious, have you ever thought about HBG's like heights. white men r always so goddamn tall wtf... can i habe some.....por favor. ive heard some members make fun of couri for being short, but im sure that mf is 100% taller than me , lol. real SG student Gs know the euphoria of hearing your PE teacher saying your height and relaising you grew 0.5cm!!!! ok maybe thats a little too much info ill stop now. its a silly thing to think about, but im generally a silly person. my irls can and will talk about the stupid things ive done for like. 1 hour struaght. im kinda like the joker. wragh!!!!

ALSO one last question :> have you ever thought about who in Hbg best matches ur vibe, lol. personally i dont know hbg well enough to say for certain, but i feel like i have silver's deadpan glare when i really lock in.

hopefully youre still doin well, seeinf as that last mime doodle you sent (i love these btw) had what looked like (GASP) complete the square?!?!?! hope youre not going through it 😗

im coincidentally also sending this around the same time as you did yesterday....so.... have a great rest of the day :D - sgmcsr anon

yoey nonnie! boy is it late, what, almost 11/11 LMAO

anyway, time to get into answering my daily inbox because I've been busy todya </3

about messages, I am a natural born yapper, I've been getting a1 for my English for the past... 4 years? and I love writing loooong paragraphs, so you're not alone! I love being a yapper and sharing my silly ideas with the world.. it makes me feel heard <3

about psle, that shit was. aha. ohh. wow. yah. I used to be in a school that was considered very good, so the pressure was a LOT. every single day I was grinded to do papers and revise things even after school, even after all that I did pretty meh. even tho I did meh, I'm still grinding my ass off in the sch I was posted to </3 horrid horrid horrid

about the blunt smoking kazuha, I appreciate anyone who doodles using whiteboard markers, I think that may be one of the hardest mediums to work with 😭 god bless soldier, really 😭😭😭😭 id love to see it

about the illness that is HBG wallpapers, if you're curious, this is my current homescreen :3

it's messy and all over the place, but WHATEVER BA. I don't gaf ☝️☝️ the swag aura can be FELT by every member of my family. I've even gotten my sister to utter the words "mongey" and "mongeyful" during our walk today 😭 also 21mustard is so swaggy cool. you go yet another fast speedrunning white boy. hell yeha

about OH YM GOD FYROAH AND NEM. OHHH. FALLS OVER. CRIES ON THE GROUND. ROLLS AROUND. FUCK. OH MY GOD. I LOVE THEM. AUUGHHGAHGHA. I'll draw them if they interact in the upcoming BAC stream. I'll draw them like no tomorrow. ALSO. EMERALDS SKIBIDI AURA FADING GOT ME LOWKEY CACKLING. mr n emerald. your skibidi aura is leaving your body. any longer and I will absorb it for myself. I need that skibidi aura. give it to me.

about minesweeper, oh.. I really want to learn how to play it.. it looks super fuckin fun dude oh my skibidi rizz. also. I feel how you feel. I was on good pace learning how to route chalice bridge routes today, and lost it because a piglin knocked me into lava and I forgot to pop a fire res pot. devastating. I was coping so hard. hit the copium so hard I left vc and cried. talkingmime give me your energy. 我求求您。please. PELASE. PLEASEEEE. FUCK

ha. anyway. about learning minesweeper, I've played it a few times, and I really like it.. I've just never gotten good at it and. dropped it faster than when I saw my new lit book for the first time this year. <3 (I get the competitiveness. every singaporean has it etched into their brain like microchip and code. it's ok. I get it)

about HBG heights. THOSE MOTHERFUCKING BITCHASS STREAMERS ALL OF THEM ARE LIKE. I SWEAR. 5'10 AND ABOVE. erm. unless your name is couriway. sorry. BUT ANYWAY. yeah. they're. so tall???? for what. one day if I ever get to meet any HBG members, I will dissect and take their legs. pls. I want to be at least 5'3 or 5'4. I'm like. 154cm rn. I'm so short. I'm short. help. hel p. help. also! shoutout height and weight during PE. I love learning that I haven't grown in the past 5 months </3 fucking dumb.

also? nonnie may be the joker. hehehehaw.

about who in HBG matches my vibe, I'd say in terms of character, one of my friends did say that I really remind him of dandannyboy, but i feel like I am. like feinberg. that feinberg guy. except that I'm fucking stupid. everyone else who doesn't know me knows me as that talkingmime dude. so. idk? idk. I really don't know. I'm saying fein because when I get pressed over something, oh boy I get PRESSED. :')

holidays are going great, yeah, completing squares. fuck that shit is fun. I love amath. wowie. Hehe. haha. I'm so smart. I think. wowie.

it's almost 12 25am because yay fo no school ☝️☝️☝️ I can do this as LATE AS I WANT MF 🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅

nonnie, as always, have a beautiful mongeyful day.... I await your response ☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️

obligatory mime drawing because you asked me things ^_^

[the-grove]

I'm going to share this defining moment from my source, but I guess I first have to explain what that was.

I am Karisa, I was originally a dnd 5e character that the system played back when we played in Adventurers League during the season of the Death Curse. The Death Curse was an in universe effect as well as a meta event in which resurrection spells did not work, HP drain could not be healed, and in general everything was a lot scarier.

The system created me to test their roleplaying skills. You see up untill me, most of their pcs were soft spoken magical babies with hearts of gold. Their was variation of course but that was the genera trend. I was a cold calculating archer with a "lawful neutral" alignment and they affectionately called me "The Bitch." I wasn't actually all that rude, I was cold but I was more about portraying a strict professionalism as a character, someone focused on getting "the job done."

This started to change as I met Hanako(our partners character who we originally had no intention of interacting), Hanako was the opposite of me in almost every way. Chaotic, focused on herself. But...she was a professional like me...and an archer like me. And we could bond over that, firing are arrows while questioning the choices made by our frontline allies. We we're opposites...but we both grew to care for another, and we pushed each other to care about the world.(accidently) I began to open up, question what I was taught... and realizied I worked for the wrong people.

This story does not focus on my relationship with Hanako but she is integral in understanding my actions during it.

I was with a group of adventurers. Hanako was not with me, and the group didn't really have a frontline. But we made do. That was untill we came across a vampire. Quickly we realizied we needed someone that could engage with the vampire. I took out my secondary weapon, an ebon black rapier that could steal the energy from those I attack.(in mechanical terms it granted me temporary hit points) and I fended off the vampire. We barely got out alive...and the fight left me...for what I saw permanently debilitated. The vampires bites and claws drained me of my life force, and with this being during the times of the Death Curse there was no way to fix me. In mechanical terms I was the fighter with the hp of a wizard of my level(if that)...but everyone made it out alive. That was the moment I realizied I wasn't trying to just complete the mission. I was...becoming a hero.

"Bleh. Heros die. Needlessly at that." I thought as I coughed up blood, one of the many ways the Grove decided to roleplay my "condition." Other symptoms were chronic fatigue and pain, easily sickened. A condition that stuck with me for the rest of the time they played me as a character. And conditions the system has to deal with in this body.

So color me surprised...when I wake up for the first time in ages today, in a body I knew but the others did not knew I knew...and found myself with the familliar feeling of coughing up blood. A nose bleed, all too common for this body. But still a bit ironic I suppose.

-Karisa

[tartlette1968]

It's 2023, and we're not post-covid, we're mid-covid,

Nearly 2 weeks ago my sister, in Perth, on her Facebook feed posted something to effect of...

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck faaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrkkk..."

So something was not right.

In actual fact something was very fucking wrong...

My Brother-in-law had covid. My fully vaxxed brother-in-law who is on immunosuppressants to control lupus, has a low functioning thyroid, and diabetes HAS FUCKING covid, from somewhere. He needed hospitalisation in very short time, because of small clots in his lungs, and was released, after being immediately prescribed anti-virals. Then back in hospital again, then released. He is now back in hospital, again, with pneumonia. Now, let me explain this slowly. Lupus is an auto-immune disease, and to control it, you have to suppress the immune system. What they have to do, now, to fight the pneumonia, is to lessen how much they suppress the immune system, which won't be fun for his lupus.

Meanwhile, Huntress and I contracted covid over here in Adelaide. Officially our positive RATs didn't come until Wednesday and Thursday. The RAT I did on Tuesday (when I felt completely shithouse) was negative. There I was sleeping more often than not, smelling literally every bloody smell there was, and finding those smells really awful, my head feeling like it would burst, and the RAT was negative. Huntress did a RAT Wednesday, and Thursday morning showed me the faintest of red lines that showed her to be covid positive. I did another RAT then, and as soon as the fluid from the test dropper hit the line, it turned bright red, for me, no waiting for 15 minutes. I was feeling about 50% better by then, save for my sense of smell being very dull; I still felt like crap, but I wasn't surprised. While I was obviously improving, after Tuesday, Huntress was slowly feeling worse.

But Thursday was the 26th of January, and a public holiday, so there was no calling her GP. We called Huntress' Doctor Friday, and they were eager and insistent on Huntress attending a Respiratory Clinic, to organise a script for the anti-viral meds very quickly. Then the nurse urged us to call the ambulance to monitor her SpO2. That was done, and they were here for hours, but the end result was a script filled for the anti-viral by 6 o'clock that day.

It is day 5 or 6 now, on our own covid journey, and Huntress is improving faster than we hoped after two days of the anti-viral course. I'm smelling things again, and sleeping without waking up coughing every 20 or 30 minutes. Huntress, so far, has managed to avoid an ear infection, and pneumonia, which would cause all sorts of problems, as she is seriously allergic to all antibiotics, save some that really aren't useful at all. She is sleeping, and only experiences the odd coughing fit.

But my Brother-in-law is in a life or death battle, now.

Look, our Government has been defending their slack approach to covid, by trying to reassure us that "Most people are vaccinated, now."

Huntress is vaccinated, with one booster, but the last dose she had, unfortunately, brought on anaphalaxis, which required a day in the ED, and adrenaline shot, and a worry, now. She can't risk another dose, at least not of an mRNA vaccine.

So it's this simple. I was walking around, with covid, breathing this stupid virus... into my mask, because this is exactly the reason why I wear a mask. I get runny noses after one sneeze, all the time. That was no different to what happened on Monday, when I already had covid. My throat feels a little scratchy regularly, and my nose gets blocked weekly, thanks to just stuff in the air. Even if it was just the flu, on Tuesday, I wasn't going anywhere, because I was sick, and I didn't want to infect someone.

People need to remember, we're super infectious before we are even feeling sick, and there are people walking among us who, while they are doing everything they can to prevent being infected, we need to meet them halfway. My sister caught covid a few months ago, and moved into their caravan to completely isolate herself, and keep my Brother-in-law safe. But we need to wear masks, keep washing our hands, get vaccinated, and avoid crowded events and places. Because for some people, even doing all they can do, it isn't enough, and they need us to be brave and step up to do our bit, too.

[hannahssimblr]

Dean: A case study & my justification.

Now that part 2 is over, I can finally share my feelings about Dean, the thought behind him and where he came from.

First off, I didn't think he'd cause so much discourse. To me, because I knew who he was from the moment he was introduced, I was surprised to find that so many people liked him. I kind of thought "oh no, maybe I've done something wrong here" But then I realised that actually, that probably sounds about right. If I didn't know his motives I would have liked him too.

When I was twenty three I knew a guy a bit like Dean. Our relationship was complicated, and the exact ins and outs of how it was defined aren't really relevant, but the point is, he was manipulative and emotionally abusive.

I was young and fresh out of college, and he was in his late twenties and yet somehow there was a part of me that felt like I always had the upper hand on him, like I thought always knew what he was thinking. I'm a bit ashamed to admit that I thought I was able to handle him, and I'd always believed deep down that I was too clever, too astute to be one of those women who ended up with an abusive partner. Now I know that I only felt that way because I'd never been in their shoes.

Abusive people don't come into your life announcing that they are going to hurt you. They come in quietly and nicely, they make you laugh and give you the type of attention they've figured out that you want. At the beginning, when I met him, I actually wasn't remotely interested, but he viewed this fact as a challenge, and tried extra hard to get my attention. He'd play all kinds of mind games - the same way that Dean did. Dean deliberately insults Evie's work in order to check how much it will bother her, and then acts like he's just being constructive. He blocks her from his phone just to test her and see if she'll come crawling back begging for attention. Every time they're together he's reading her, he's checking her face, he's watching her every movement to see if what he's doing is working and if he's bringing her around to being with him. He knows she is too good for him, but her self esteem is so low that she doesn't know that. He will play that to his advantage.

I got wound up around my guys finger without even knowing it, and looking back, I can't even tell you how I got there. But I know that there was one time that I began to get bored and lose interest in his flirting, and he came over to my house with a wrapped gift and a poem he'd written about me. Then we lay on the couch with the sun streaming in the windows and he stroked my hair for an hour. He didn't want to be with me, he didn't want to be my boyfriend, he was just reeling me back in. He was seeing what it would take to get me back in his orbit again because he could sense I was slipping away and he had a hunger for attention. Dean does the same thing to Evie when he sees that he's made a potentially disastrous mistake and let his mask slip. He goes to a bookshop and tries to find the most personal gift possible. Not because he cares about her, but because he needs to keep on playing the game. Men like this know the right things to do, they know perfectly well how to appear sincere.

The moment I confessed feelings to him, I'd lost. For me it felt straightforward, it felt like, oh, well we obviously like each other so let's date now. He didn't want to date. He "couldn't". I can pinpoint that as the day that everything took a sudden nosedive. Within a few weeks I felt completely trapped. He stopped pretending to be nice, and he took advantage of my feelings and my willingness to be kind to him. He asked me to do unreasonable things. He'd impose on me, force me to complete tasks and then insult me for doing them wrong. He camped out in my house one weekend working on a project he wouldn't let me help him with (because I mess everything up), and made me cook him three meals without ever saying thank you. In fact I think he said "I don't like this type of food." it was horrifying, humiliating, and for some reason I felt like I couldn't get away from it. There was a visceral moment when I cried in confusion on a set of stone steps in my town with my best friend, and I told her that I felt like I was in an abusive relationship, but couldn't have been because he wasn't my boyfriend. I didn't have the self esteem to get away from him.

Many of the things Dean says to Evie in the final chapters are variations of the things said to me during this time. I think that's why writing those parts was so painful for me. I literally paced around my apartment trying to get the nerve to do to Evie what had been done to me. In the story, Dean starts turning on Evie the moment they agree to date non-exclusively in the park. From chapter 16 until the end he is, in my opinion, horrendous with her. He struggles to keep the mask on at all in 16 and 17, covering up his rage and impatience with thin layers of rehearsed understanding. He says what she needs to hear, but he's not even really bothering to make it sound genuine anymore. She won't have sex with him. He says it's fine, but then leaves the library in annoyance five minutes later. She finally gives in and does it, and he doesn't enjoy it. He worked so hard and gave so much of his time and effort to getting her clothes off, and now she's let him do it and he wasn't satisfied. All of his manipulation was for nothing.

Dean eventually just uses her for her central apartment by the end. It's closer to work than his own place, and it's easier to crash there after a night out. He doesn't care about any of the promises he made to her, and even though they continue to have sex, he's not doing it because he has affection for her. She's just conveniently there. He cares about her feelings so little that he's happy to tell Marnie all of the personal details that Evie would be mortified to share. He doesn't care about her, nor does he care about Marnie or Fiona or anybody else. He cares about the pursuit of women, the challenge of snagging those who are 'out of his league' just to prove to himself that he can. I wanted to show that by chapter 20, he actually only wants to have sex with Evie when he's on MDMA, that's the only time that he enjoys it, and she, with self esteem whittled down, has accepted this as her reality, for any of his chemically enhanced affection is better than his sober disdain. She has nobody else in her corner anyway, so she might as well just let him drag her to the bottom with him.

I like to think that the hints of Dean's motives would be obvious if you were to go back and read it again. I was honestly, incredibly fascinated by the response to him and the debate around whether he was bad or good. It felt like there were people who could plainly see what he was doing and people who, like me once, saw the things he was doing as normal and easy to explain away. That's the thing though, he was doing normal things. Walking someone home is okay, maybe touching someone's palm at a party is okay, but it's not always about these singular actions. It's a gut feeling, something inexplicable. A heightened feeling, you noticing that something is missing from their gaze, a feeling of being observed or tested by them. I know to be aware of these things now, but I would have never ever known that when I was 19.

I’ve been holding off talking about my intentions for him for a very long time, and honestly, chomping at the bit to tell you who he really is, but the discussion was so varied and interesting that I was actually happy to step back and let everyone talk. I was also a little afraid of admitting my own blindness when I was in a similar situation. I realised during part 2 that I really don't have control over the characters and how likeable or unlikeable they are. A hero to one person may be a villain to another.

I know this is a long post but I'm glad to get it off my chest. Now you know ;)

[eroaneki]

Lately I have had such intense feelings of not belonging anywhere. I don't fit in, I shouldn't be talking to certain people, I'm now allowed to do certain things, etc. I feel awkward and out of place all of the fucking time, even interacting with people online. I fear I'm going to say the wrong thing or do something that's stupid. I'm afraid to exist in any form whatsoever.

I've been exercising and dieting and it's not working. I have no clue why. My cycles are completely fucked up and I feel like I've been in a two week death loop. I keep feeling like it's finally going to be the start of my period and I just keep spotting. But until my actual period starts I'm going to be stuck in this hyper-anxious state where I feel like at any moment I'm going to sever all ties with reality and no longer be part of the world.

Getting blood work done to test hormones doesn't matter because everything always comes back normal when clearly this isn't. The answer is birth control but I can't take it because of migraines with aura. I feel like I'm slowly developing like schizophrenia or something. I'm so fucking paranoid all of the time and nothing seems right and I can't get over the fucking speed hump that is my ability to be a fully connected and aware person at all times.

Physically intimacy doesn't exist anymore because I am so thoroughly disgusted with myself on a daily basis that I just want to give up. I keep having people ask me "you're getting married soon, aren't you?" and it just makes me feel like a fucking complete failure in life because I am so overwhelmed by the thought of having to try on a wedding dress and knowing full well I'm going to hate the way I look in every single one of them. Because I hate the way I look in general.

I don't see myself as a thing or a person worth celebrating. But I'm also 33 and I don't have the luxury of time anymore to be a depressed sack of shit because I'm getting older and I feel myself getting older. I'm so tired all of the time and everything is such a horrific hurdle to overcome. To get up everyday and remember to brush my teeth and eat good food and get exercise and brush my hair, shower, drink enough water, drink enough caffeine to avoid a headache but not too much or you'll have a panic attack, socialize, go to work, exist exist exist exist exist

Have babies, figure out how to get married when you can't fucking plan anything to save your life even if it's something that benefits you because you feel crushing guilt for allowing yourself anything good. You have to hide everything that makes you feel happy and good because everyone will take it away from you if they find out. Everyone will be horrified and laugh at you and alienate you if you are happy about anything.

I woke up at 130 last night to the first panic attack I've had in probably 2 months but I know it's due to all of this plus my cycle being so fucked up. But it's fucked up because I'm exercising and eating differently but still gaining weight so my body doesn't know wtf to do and honestly neither do I bro. Neither do fucking I.

I have therapy today and I don't even know how to go about addressing any of it without making my therapist think I need to be committed. That's another thing I'm afraid of with therapy. Like if I talk about how bad my thoughts get sometimes I'm afraid she's gonna pull the fucking trigger and be like "oh you need inpatient help" and quite honestly that would just make everything worse.

I just want to know how to exist like a normal person. Like how do people go about their day-to-day and not feel crushing guilt for being alive. Like their existence isn't a plague on society. I just wanna know how to do that and I'll be fine.