#I feel it's important I have a witness present

[tottymatsuno]

Bae and me as matching ancedotes

[esperderek]

Hbomberguy did a pretty good job pointing out how Somerton has tried to take up the air of modern queer creators, stealing the works they made to little or no money or exposure, and using them to bolster his own fame. It's a truly reprehensible act.

But I feel like it's also important to briefly touch on what he stole from the past.

The Celluloid Closet is a backbone text on queerness and cinema. Like, if you're at all interested in the subject, please read the book, and watch the doc. Yes, the language will be outdated. It was written in 1981 and the doc published in 1995. Language evolves. I was fortunate enough to both read the book and see the documentary in the early 2000s, when I attended university.

It was written by Vito Russo, who held a Masters in film and a desire to fight for queer rights after witnessing the Stonewell riots. The Celluloid Closet was first a live lecture presentation, then a book. He would try to get the book made into a documentary in the early years, and after he died, others picked up that torch to carry on his work and to pay respect to the man.

Vito Russo was also one of the co-founders of GLAAD. He was a co-founder of ACT UP. You may have, if you've watched documentaries or seen news stories about the AIDS crisis, seen parts of his speech, Why We Fight. He protested, advocated, and educated even as people he knew and loved died, and he himself was dying.

As Hbomberguy notes in his doc, he would go on to pass in 1990. This was a man who fought his ass off, even while dying, for a better tomorrow and better representation.

The fact that Somerton stole his work is beyond insulting to the queer history, and queer film history, that he purports to give a shit about.

[teaboot]

Sometimes at work it's not my place to tell people the things I want to say, and I find I often go home at the end of the rougher days to stand blankly in my shower and tell myself over and over what I wish I could pass on.

This accomplishes very little, and mostly just gives me a tension headache, but through it all I think I've narrowed myself down to a few solid things I'd like to tell people the most.

You can't change people. Not permanently, not for anythig. You can support them, encourage them, love them, give them tools and opportunities and resources, but you can't make them change. They can change themselves if they want to, but they have to want to, and they have to want it for themselves, because they're the only one that's certain to be with them forever.

For better or worse, you make your own choices, and blaming bad choices on others doesn't only work to absolve you of responsibility- it also robs you of control. Because if you say you only did something because I did something, then you arent only shifting blame- you're admitting that you cannot control yourself, that you cannot truly make choices for yourself, that other people can control you- and as long as you truly beleive that, you'll keep facing the same problems over and over. You'll keep letting others dictate your choices, because you'll beleive that they can, and you'll never be free.

White knights on horseback are from fairytales. Nobody can help you if ou're not willing to help yourself. To try, to put the dirty work in, to belive you're worth that effort- Act as though nobody is coming to save you. From a struggle, from pain, from bad relationships, from yourself. And when you do save yourself, because you will, because failure here isn't an option if you want to survive, you'll never find another dragon that can keep you prisoner.

Don't say anything to anyone that you wouldn't want them remembering forever.

Doing the right thing in bad circumstances is hard. It's the hardest thing. But if you make the choice to do that hard thing anyways, despite your fear, you'll go on the rest of your like knowing that you're the sort of person who did something.

The present only seems the hardest because the past I over and the future hasn't happened.

There's so much joy ahead of you, the kind you can't possibly understand until you see it yourself.

The responsibility of consequences is often disguised as the power of permission. "I won't do this if you help me", "I'll work on my anger if you do this for me", "I promised you I'd quit, but can I have just one?". The unspoken question is, "Can it be your fault if this goes badly?"

You cant make someone love you the way you need to be loved. Someone can love you very much and still be bad for you, even if you love them very much in return. Two people can love each other very, very much, and try their very best, and still be wrong for each other.

Sometimes being near to someone changes you, even in good ways, and the people you become don't fit together as well as the people you were.

Caring takes work. Even if it's real. Especially if it's real. And the most important gestures aren't the grand, poetic, songs-and-flowers-and-tears moments; they're getting out of bed even though you don't want to. Paying attention to things you don't enjoy. Scrubbing pans, or opening a window, saying "thank-you", or helping carry groceries into the house. The small things fill the big things- without the small, boring, mediocre things, big things feel hollow.

Thrre is honour and dignity in humble work.

If you are a cruel and spiteful person, then you will find every place you visit to be full of the same cruel, spiteful people. This is not because the world is as cruel as you, but because everywhere you are, you will be disliked. This is the curse that comes with being persistently cruel and spiteful.

If you are a kind and ppsitive person, you will repeatedly encounter kind and positive people, because as they grow familiar with you, they will be happier to have you near. This is the reward of being a kind and positive person.

When splitting paths with loved ones, briefly or forever, aim for your last words to always be "I love you".

[majikkulu]

﹒ ﹢ ♡. PILE ONE ﹑ ﹒

✩ they  might  be  a  lover  of  books,  always  eager  to  expand  their  mind  with  philosophy,  psychology,  or  history

✩ they  have  a  strong  artistic  side,  whether  it’s  painting,  producing  music,  photography,  or  some  other  creative  pursuit

✩ they  are  extremely  expressive  and  don’t  hold  back,  whether  it’s  their  emotions,  opinions,  or  excitement  over  something  they  love.  they  might  have  a  naturally  animated  way  of  speaking  or  a  strong  presence  in  conversations

✩ they  love  learning  new  skills  and  thrive  in  environments  that  challenge  them,  especially  in  collaborative  settings  where  they  can  bounce  ideas  off  others  or  show  off  what  they’ve  mastered.  they  might  enjoy  competitive  activities

✩ they  like  to  yap  a  lot,  always  up  for  debates  or  long,  winding  conversations  about  everything  and  anything.  they  could  have  strong  opinions  and  enjoy  playing  devil’s  advocate

✩ deep  late-night  talks  are  something  they  enjoy,  whether  it’s  about  life,  the  universe,  or  personal  experiences.  they  find  these  moments  meaningful  and  might  open  up  the  most  when  the  world  is  quiet  and  distractions  are  gone

✩ they  could  be  from  a  different  cultural  background  or  have  a  deep  appreciation  for  exploring  different  cultures.  they  might  love  traveling,  learning  new  languages,  or  immersing  themselves  in  traditions  different  from  their  own  

✩ they  question  everything  and  rarely  take  things  at  face  value.  they  might  analyze  social  norms,  challenge  beliefs,  or  constantly  seek  to  understand  the  deeper  meaning  behind  things  rather  than  just  accepting  them  as  they  are  

✩ your  future  spouse  might  be  a  romantic  at  heart,  even  if  they  don’t  show  it  in  an  obvious  way.  they  may  present  themselves  as  detached  or  cool  on  the  surface

✩ relationships  and  chemistry  are  really  important  to  them

✩ they  are  direct  and  value  honesty  above  all.  they  don’t  like  sugarcoating  things  and  might  prefer  blunt  conversations  over  passive-aggressive  behavior.  they  respect  people  who  say  things  as  they  are,  even  if  the  truth  isn’t  always  pretty

✩ they  may  enjoy  dry  humor,  sarcasm,  or  simply  observing  people.  they  could  have  a  sharp  wit,  make  side  comments  under  their  breath,  or  find  humor  in  the  way  people  interact  and  behave

✩ they  also  have  a  goofy,  innocent  kind  of  humor.  they  might  love  wordplay

✩ they  are  flirty  as  hell  and  love  to  flirt  a  lot.  whether  through  teasing,  charming  words,  or  playful  banter

✩ they  might  be  a  pet  lover  too,  the  type  to  spoil  animals  or  treat  their  pets  like  family.  they  could  find  comfort  in  their  presence  and  may  even  prefer  animals  over  people  at  times  

✩  they  express  emotions  through  words.  whether  it’s  sweet  messages,  deep  conversations,  or  even  writing

﹒ ﹢ ♡. PILE TWO ﹑ ﹒

✩ your  future  spouse  is  someone  strategic,  always  thinking  ahead  and  making  calculated  moves.  they  rarely  act  on  impulse  and  prefer  to  plan  things  out

✩ they  might  be  into  video  games,  coding,  or  chess

✩ they  could  have  an  interest  in  investing,  whether  it's  stocks,  crypto,  or  business  ventures.  they  might  have  a  natural  talent  for  spotting  opportunities

✩ they  might  be  fascinated  by  the  paranormal  and  esoteric  topics.  they’re  open  to  exploring  the  unknown,  whether  it’s  astrology,  tarot,  or  conspiracy  theories

✩ they  could  love  watching  crime  documentaries  or  reading  about  unsolved  mysteries

✩ they  enjoy  moving  to  new  places,  embracing  change  and  fresh  starts.  they  don’t  like  feeling  stuck  in  one  place  for  too  long

✩ their  imagination  is  rich,  making  them  naturally  creative  and  capable  of  thinking  outside  the  box.  they  might  daydream  a  lot  or  come  up  with  unique  ideas  that  surprise  people

✩ they  might  love  road  trips,  preferring  the  excitement  of  spontaneous  adventures  over  structured  plans.  they  enjoy  the  feeling  of  freedom  that  comes  with  being  on  the  road

✩ they  likely  hate  overcrowded  places,  avoiding  them  whenever  possible.

✩ they  could  be  rich  as  hell,  either  through  their  own  ambition  and  hard  work  or  by  making  smart  investments

✩ your  future  spouse  doesn’t  reveal  everything  about  themselves  easily.  they  have  layers  to  them  and  only  open  up  to  people  they  truly  trust

✩ they  are  private  and  prefer  to  keep  their  life  lowkey.  they  don’t  like  too  much  attention  on  them  and  may  avoid  oversharing

✩ they  are  smart,  calculated,  and  always  thinking  a  few  steps  ahead.  they  don’t  make  reckless  decisions  and  prefer  to  analyze  situations  carefully  before  acting

✩ they  are  sneaky,  not  necessarily  in  a  bad  way,  but  in  how  they  operate.  they  move  in  silence  and  don’t  like  people  knowing  their  next  steps  until  they’ve  already  made  them

✩ they  likely  overthink  a  lot,  constantly  analyzing  situations,  conversations,  and  decisions.  their  mind  is  always  running,  and  they  might  struggle  to  shut  it  off

✩ they  have  strong  emotions  but  also  deep  trust  issues.  they  feel  things  intensely  but  might  have  trouble  fully  letting  their  guard  down  with  others

✩ they  might  have  left  behind  a  difficult  past,  carrying  experiences  that  shaped  them  into  the  person  they  are  today

✩ they  are  extremely  loyal  to  the  people  they  love,  willing  to  stand  by  them  no  matter  what.  once  they  let  someone  in,  they  are  deeply  devoted

✩ they  don’t  like  people  prying  into  their  business  and  will  shut  down  if  someone  tries  to  dig  too  deep  into  their  personal  life

✩ they  have  a  deep  and  quiet  devotion,  showing  their  love  in  ways  that  aren’t  always  obvious.  they  might  not  be  overly  expressive,  but  their  actions  speak  louder  than  words

✩ they  are  funny  but  brutally  honest.  they  say  things  as  they  are  and  don’t  sugarcoat  the  truth,  even  if  it’s  uncomfortable

✩ they  might  enjoy  dark  humor,  finding  amusement  in  things  that  others  might  consider  too  edgy  or  inappropriate

✩ they  could  use  humor  as  a  coping  mechanism,  making  jokes  about  their  pain  as  a  way  to  deal  with  it  rather  than  letting  it  weigh  them  down

﹒ ﹢ ♡. PILE THREE ﹑ ﹒

✩ your  future  spouse  is  the  curious  type,  always  eager  to  learn  and  discover  new  things

✩ they  love  researching  new  topics,  often  getting  lost  in  deep  dives  about  whatever  interests  them  at  the  moment

✩ i  do  get  gemini/virgo  vibes  from  them

✩ they  might  always  have  a  random  fact  to  share,  surprising  people  with  their  knowledge  of  the  most  unexpected  things

✩ they  may  be  interested  in  subjects  like  law  or  politics,  drawn  to  debates,  justice,  and  understanding  how  society  functions

✩ they  enjoy  things  that  remind  them  of  the  past,  feeling  a  deep  connection  to  history,  nostalgia,  and  tradition

✩ they  might  love  old  music,  classic  movies,  or  even  vintage  cars,  appreciating  the  timeless  quality  of  things  from  past  eras

✩ they  take  on  a  lot  of  responsibility,  often  feeling  like  they  need  to  be  the  one  holding  everything  together

✩ they  might  be  into  working  out,  using  fitness  as  a  way  to  stay  disciplined  and  clear  their  mind

✩ they  analyze  situations  deeply,  never  taking  things  at  face  value  and  always  searching  for  the  bigger  picture

✩ they  rely  on  logic  and  facts  to  make  decisions,  preferring  to  think  things  through  rather  than  acting  on  emotions  alone

✩ they  might  be  someone  who  always  feels  the  need  to  take  care  of  others,  naturally  stepping  into  a  protector  or  provider  role

✩ they  have  strong  emotional  ties  to  their  past,  holding  onto  memories,  people,  or  experiences  that  shaped  them

✩ they  are  always  questioning  things,  rarely  accepting  anything  without  digging  deeper  and  figuring  it  out  for  themselves

✩ they  dislike  dishonesty  and  can  see  through  people  who  try  to  manipulate  or  deceive  them

✩ their  humor  is  quick-witted,  sharp,  and  often  unexpected,  making  people  laugh  with  their  clever  comebacks

✩ they  don’t  always  laugh  at  obvious  jokes,  but  they  appreciate  clever  wordplay,  irony,  or  dark  humor

✩ they  may  humorously  exaggerate  how  overwhelming  life  can  be,  playfully  making  self-deprecating  remarks  about  their  workload  or  the  stress  they  endure

✩ they  stand  up  for  what  they  believe  in,  never  backing  down

✩ they  could  be  the  eldest  sibling,  carrying  the  weight  of  responsibility  and  leadership  from  a  young  age

✩ they  feel  deeply  nostalgic  about  certain  places  or  traditions,  finding  comfort  in  things  that  remind  them  of  home  or  childhood

﹒ ﹢ ♡. PILE FOUR ﹑ ﹒

✩ your  future  spouse  might  be  into  cooking,  gardening,  or  fashion

✩ they’re  good  at  managing  money,  knowing  how  to  save  while  still  enjoying  life’s  pleasures  

✩ they  might  be  the  type  who  balances  multiple  jobs  or  responsibilities

✩ they  enjoy  activities  like  hiking  or  picnics,  appreciating  the  simplicity  of  being  outdoors  

✩ they  might  start  many  things  but  take  time  to  fully  commit,  needing  to  explore  their  options  before  settling  on  one  path  

✩ they  are  skilled  at  handling  multiple  aspects  of  life  without  getting  overwhelmed 

✩ they  are  deeply  loving,  protective,  and  affectionate,  but  they  show  it  in  subtle,  consistent  ways  

✩ they  don’t  rush  things,  preferring  to  take  their  time  and  make  thoughtful  choices  

✩ they  struggle  with  making  decisions,  especially  when  faced  with  two  good  options,  overanalyzing  every  possible  outcome  

✩ they  may  have  a  habit  of  overthinking  before  acting,  weighing  all  the  pros  and  cons  in  their  mind  

✩ they  have  a  fun,  easy-going  humour,  making  people  laugh  with  their  relaxed  and  effortless  charm  

✩ they  might  poke  fun  at  life’s  contradictions,  pointing  out  irony  in  a  way  that’s  both  funny  and  insightful  

✩ they  might  like  to  tease,  but  they  also  know  how  to  give  the  right  compliments  at  the  right  time  

✩ they  aren’t  impulsive

✩ they’ve  been  patient  in  life,  understanding  that  good  things  take  time  to  build  

✩ they  love  nature,  animals,  or  anything  visually  appealing,  finding  beauty  in  small  details  

✩ they  like  cozy  places,  appreciating  warm,  inviting  spaces  that  feel  like  home  

✩ they  are  careful  about  expressing  their  true  emotions,  taking  time  before  fully  opening  up  

✩ they  might  take  a  while  before  fully  letting  their  guard  down,  needing  to  feel  truly  safe  before  revealing  their  deepest  thoughts  

✩ they  sometimes  use  sarcasm

✩ they  might  have  a  natural  ability  to  comfort  others,  making  people  feel  safe  and  understood  

✩ they  don’t  mind  waiting  for  results  if  the  process  is  rewarding,  knowing  that  patience  leads  to  the  best  outcomes  

✩ they  enjoy  making  things  beautiful,  whether  it’s  their  home,  their  appearance,  or  the  small  moments  in  life

[ceesimz]

growing pains

how does your relationship change, years down the line, with two kids in the picture? (angst + lotttt of fluff. like, 16k of it.)

When it’s right, it’s right. 

That’s something you believed in and always had done. If something feels right, let it happen. Don’t fight it. It led you down many paths, of which were almost always successful. 

Your favourite path, however, was how right it felt when you sat across from Alexia on the first date. How easy it was to laugh and joke with her, to have meaningful conversations about the past, the present, and the future. How quick you decided she was the one for you; in both your relationship, and in parenthood. Coming to the decision of having children with her was like breathing and blinking, it was natural for you. You didn’t want anyone else, didn’t believe there was another person in the world that you’d want to navigate the highs and lows with. 

No matter what happened, no matter how hard it got, not a single part of you doubted you wouldn’t get through it together.

That didn’t mean the first blip didn’t hurt any less, didn’t make you panic or overthink everything any less. The first one might have been the scariest to get through, simply because of the unfamiliarity and unknown of it. And thankfully, it wasn’t anybody’s fault, it was a combination of many things that built up continuously until it all erupted like a volcano. But realising that and accepting that in the moment was an impossible task when it felt like the world was ending and the one person meant to be on your side no matter what was fighting against you.

Your first child, Anaís, didn’t adjust well to moving into her own room without her two parents, like any baby did. Some adapted quicker than others, whilst ones like Anaís just couldn’t bear it. Her reaction of screaming and crying, exerting herself and dropping into a cycle of over-exhaustion whilst being too unsettled to sleep was one of the hardest things you had ever witnessed. The same went for Alexia too.

However, at the one moment you should have been there for each other and collectively there for your daughter, your love got in the way. It sounded backwards, but it was the truth. You both cared for the six month old immeasurably, and that led to your solutions causing you to clash in figuring out what was best for the shrieking baby that just could not settle.

“She won’t stop crying, I’m not just going to ignore her!” 

Alexia's argument was valid, of course it was. Self-soothing was apparently something important to learn in hand with this adjustment for Anaís, the only thing was that it went against every parental instinct in existence, and Alexia just couldn’t handle it. 

You couldn’t either, and she would have recognised that if she took a second to step back and think rationally about the situation you found yourselves. However, all rational thinking had flown out the window for you both, her particularly, because there was no rational thinking to be done when your child was screaming like she was and igniting every ounce of concern either of you had to give.

“We’re not ignoring her, I’ve told you this. It’s an important step, Ale. We’re right here, if there’s somethi-”

“There is something wrong with her! Can’t you hear her?” You huffed and buried your head in your hands where you sat on the edge of the bed, baby monitor beside you with the brunette pacing back and forth in front of you. 

“Stop. Of course I can hear her. This isn’t easy for me either, stop putting the blame on me.” 

You were seconds away from getting up and walking out the room to avoid her misplaced anger. With every shout from her, every exclamation, your emotional stamina was wearing thin; initially you understood where it was coming from, a place of love and fear, it was natural. But each time she raised her voice and grumbled under her breath, you were growing irritated with her at the immature display of emotion. 

The sounds of Anaís’ discomfort was unbearable – every scream made your skin crawl and your heart clench excruciatingly. In situations like this, where you were on the edge of a nervous breakdown, Alexia would be the first person you’d go to. Actually, nevermind that, she would already be there before you reached the edge. She’d be there with open arms and endless words of reassurances, ready to remind you that you weren’t losing your mind and things were solvable. 

Without her there to tell you all that, things didn’t seem so simple and solvable like they usually did. Everything just seemed so much worse. You felt lost without her on your team. 

“I’m not putting the blame on you.” She grumbled, leaning back against the wall by the door and letting out a disapproving sigh that grated at you. A minute or two passed by of silence, the only sounds being Anaís’ whimpers and cries that never ceased. “I’m tired of this, it’s unfair. I’m going in.”

You had to grab onto her hand before she could swing the door open in her aggression, keeping a tight grip when she tried to shake it off.

“Don’t go against me on this, Alexia. It’s no easier for you than it is for me, please don’t rebuttal against it.” You half-warned, half-begged. Only for her to scoff in your face.

“No, I am her parent too, I get to make important decisions too. And I am deciding that this is too much for my daughter.”

She swiped her wrist out of your grasp and stormed out the room, reaching Anaís’ nursery in four long strides and rushing in like a firefighter. After watching her go and hearing what she had to say, you slammed the bedroom door shut behind her. 

At first, your blood boiled at the sheer amount of audacity she had to say ‘her’ daughter, like the decisions you were making had any impact on your position as Anaís parent. Quite frankly, it disgusted you that she chose to say that. Never did you think she’d use such a delicate thing to spite you, especially when you worried constantly about if you were good enough for the sweet little baby whose life depended on you. 

Yet, you could hear every soft and soothing word she sweetly murmured to your daughter through the baby monitor. And for a moment, you were jealous. Jealous of your own child for being on the receiving end of the care Alexia usually gave to you. An intense jealousy that consumed you, seeped into your soul, and took over you like your love was some kind of possession. 

That was when you realised something had to change in this situation. 

This wasn’t the way you wanted to raise your child. Even though there wasn’t even the slightest possible chance Anaís would remember it, you knew the effect these kinds of things had on children, and both you and Alexia had sworn that, no matter what, Anaís and any future children would never know what it was like to grow up in a home that wasn’t drowning in love. Not even for just a second.

You took a deep breath, or ten, and tried to relax the tension in your shoulders. They were nearly up to your ears with stress, you could feel the knots beginning to build in your muscles across your back, as well as a stress headache building up ferociously.

Alexia was the best coparent you could ask for, how she was acting in the other room when she thought no one was listening said all that needed to be said. Anaís’ reaction wasn’t how you expected her to be, and it became very clear that a different approach was needed.

Only you and Alexia know your child. Only the two of you knew what was best, not some random articles and forums. So you took another breath, looked at the love of your life on the screen of the monitor, the mother of your child, heard how perfect she was with your baby, and it all clicked. She was on your team, you were both just too clouded to remember that. Clouded because you had made your daughter the top priority, clouded for the best reason, most important reason. You were still outrageously frustrated at her and the comment she made, but she’d make her regret known, you could hear it in the quiet sniffles that sounded through the small monitor sporadically.

Down the microphone of the baby monitor, Alexia was still quietly mumbling to a significantly calmer Anaís, and it warmed your heart. You held down the button to get the microphone on your end to work, waiting for a second as Alexia finished her rambling and placed a gentle kiss to the tired baby’s head, punctuated with a swipe of her thumb against her own cheek to rid it of the wetness that had accumulated.

“Bring her back in here, Ale.” You told her, stifling a smile at the way she jumped a little at the unexpected voice in the room. She nodded though, and did as you said.

She looked a little sheepish as she walked in, her arms cradling Anaís and rocking her ever so slightly. You shuffled to sit back against the headboard and patted the space beside you for her to sit too. In her arms, Anaís was minutes away from falling asleep, finally. Meanwhile, the two of you had stress lines and dark eyebags that told a story in itself. One you wanted to end, so desperately. 

However, you weren’t going to be the one that gave in first. You deserved an apology and you could tell Alexia knew that with how she sat uncomfortably beside you, her guilt evidently eating away at her. The second she opened her mouth, you already knew you’d forgive her, and that she was the only person in the world you would navigate this pathway with.

It seemed Alexia felt that way too.

“I… am so sorry.” She whispered, accompanied by a sigh that was a lot gentler, quieter, not a spiteful one like earlier. 

Your eyes drifted to your daughter and remained unmoving, stuck on the slight up and down of her chest as she breathed and the flutter of her tiny eyelashes as she fought sleep once more. Alexia seemed to notice, and though she would keep Anaís in her arms forever if she could, the only other person she would let her go for is you. 

“Take her. She’s okay. She’ll fall asleep right away with you.” Her voice was so soft, the contrast of it then compared to before, it made your heart ache. 

You didn’t stay on that note too long as you tried to ignore the lump in your throat. Instead, you reached for your daughter instead, being careful to keep the peace that’d finally found her. Alexia lay her in your arms and you leaned back against the headboard, cuddling Anaís as close to you as you could get her. It wasn’t until now, with her in your hold, that you realised just how much this whole thing had affected you. There was no point in fighting off the overwhelm of emotions that started cascading over you. If Alexia felt guilty before, it increased by an astronomical amount when she saw the first glimmer of a tear stream down your cheek in the low light of the bedroom.

She let you have your moment with your baby, knowing it was the main thing that could ground you then, and she’d wait for her turn when you had the space for it in your mind. The brunette knew, after her earlier actions, that she was low on your list of priorities, that she understood. She made a low blow and hated herself for it.

“We’ll keep her in here for tonight. Try again another day.” You mumbled, closing your eyes and resting your forehead against Anaís as she began to doze off. Alexia nodded and left it at that, she could read between the lines of your words as you wrote the conversation off for the night. 

The light weight of your daughter, there was no greater comfort in the world. The second she was away from you, it felt like half your heart had gone with her; you only felt whole with her around, something you never expected to experience before becoming a parent. You simply weren’t you without your new little family. 

Time ticked on a little, it being so quiet in the room you could hear the hands of Alexia’s watch on her bedside table tick by. Anaís didn’t shuffle or stir once, she was almost always at peace with you, something that filled you with both pride and relief. It was enough of a remedy for the tumultuous turn the night had taken, that you leaned your head against Alexia’s shoulder with a tired exhale. The small action turned the midfielder’s whole mood around, unknowingly needing you just as much as you her. Even if sometimes you didn’t feel it, or you did but you rejected it, you would always need her. She’d always need you. There were some occasions where your reliance on each other overpowered your anger, you both needed to get better at recognising that. 

So even though you were still mad, you gladly leaned into her more when she wrapped an arm around your shoulders and placed a kiss on your temple.

“I’m sorry. More than you know.” Alexia murmured, and you didn’t even have to look at her to know there was a self-deprecating frown on her face. Normally you’d kiss it off her or brush the wrinkled lines away with your thumb, but you let this one linger a tad longer. “I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it and I could never mean it. I’m so sorry, amor. I swear.” 

“It really hurt, Alexia.” You blurted out. You didn’t know you had things to say, but there were words rolling off your tongue anyway. “Don’t ever use that against me again. You… made me feel like a bad mother and you’re the last person in the world that’s supposed to make me feel like that. It really did hurt.” 

Your voice cracked as you spoke, your eyes never moving from your daughter. Still, in your peripheral vision, you saw Alexia turn her head away for a second as she let out a sharp breath. Sharp because it felt like she’d been stabbed in the heart with your honesty, your much needed honesty, but painful nevertheless. It was entirely her fault, she knew that, and to know she had made you feel so wrecked was something she would never forget. It’d be on her mind for the next god knows however long, until she feels deserving to not be reminded of such idiocy, only as a result of you knowing you were a good parent. The best parent. Until you remembered that again, she’d be stuck wallowing in her regret forever. 

After she collected herself again, she turned back to you, attempting to discreetly wipe her tears away that’d come back when your voice wobbled with emotion you never should have felt in the first place. Her arm that was still around you hugged you tighter, and she repeatedly pressed her lips to your forehead as if she was trying to kiss away the hurt you described. 

“I’m sorry.” She whispered once more, suppressing a sob as all that ran through her mind was you, the offense you must have taken, the doubts that must be running rampant in your head, all these things you never should have to experience yet you did then because of her own stupid actions. “You are the best parent, I swear my life on that. On everything I have. There is no one else that could give Anaís the love you give to her. You’re the love of my life, the love of Anaís’ life. She looks at you like you’re the only person that exists, she adores you, and that’s because of how amazing you are as a mother to her. Look how she has settled now. You’re her favourite person in the world.”

Even though her earlier words still echoed in the background, something about the soothing, sincere way she apologised hit something inside you. This version of her was the version you knew, the one that knew exactly what you needed to hear and when, even if what you needed now was a result of her own wrongdoing. But she was human, she made mistakes, and despite the fact that what she said before rang deep, you knew she didn’t mean it. She wasn’t the type of woman to say something like that and mean every syllable, she couldn’t be further from the opposite if she tried. She was the type to love you when it was hard, to care for you when you pushed her away, and to give you the world when she herself didn’t have the strength to carry it. The important thing was that she tried, god she was the most determined person you’d ever met, and she’d be damned if she didn’t try her hardest to get you to forgive her. 

Hell, you’d made some choice words once or twice to her over the years, you wouldn’t be a good partner if you didn’t give her the same grace she always gave you, no matter what. This time, when tears came to your eyes once more, it was because of her words again, but for totally different reasons. Hearing her talk so warmly and honestly about what she thought of you as a parent never failed to strike you right in the chest.

“You really think that?” You sniffled, gazing down at your sleeping daughter through blurred vision and feeling the soft smile Alexia had to give rather than seeing it, her cheek pressed against yours. 

“I do. You are her entire world, amor.” The brunette replied without a shred of doubt. 

Her fingertips of the arm she had draped around your shoulders lightly trailed up and down your skin in a comforting gesture, yet another reason for the tears that quietly made their way down your cheeks. She noticed, but she didn’t speak. Instead, she chose to take the moment with you, a silent reconciliation where any further words weren’t necessary. The evening had been filled with frustration and, consequently, too many exchanges rife with vitriol that had led to this point. Now, with most of it behind you both, the tension began to dissolve and your focus could be averted back to the important things; your baby, and each other.

Anaís, despite her rosy cheeks and slightly runny nose, was calm again. And that calmness bled into you and Alexia, bringing the two of you down from your heightened states and relishing in the serenity in the room. A combination of Anaís’ muffled snores, Alexia’s steady and forever unwavering presence and hold, and the newfound stillness around meant you could breathe a little easier, think a little clearer. It provided a moment of much needed clarity, where you recognised that any challenge you came across, whether that be in parenthood, your relationship, or the two combined, you could get through them. 

When you woke up the next morning, you had a feeling you’d feel more sure and certain in your capabilities as a parent and partner, with a better sense of the strength you possessed to tackle any obstacles that cropped up in the future. Most importantly, however, you weren’t alone. Though you wished you didn’t have to go through these sorts of things, they provided an opportunity to grow, and you weren’t going to bypass that just to hold a grudge. You wanted to let her know that you were well on your way to forgiving her. 

“I love how she is sleeping like she didn’t nearly cause a war.” Alexia commented some time later, the pair of you breaking into very quiet laughter, fearful of disgruntling Anaís. “How beautiful she is, no?” 

“I know. But it’s a bit vain to say that, Ale, when she’s entirely your DNA and not mine.” You teased, grinning at the shake of her head and soft chuckle. 

“Nuestra pequeña. Qué afortunados somos.” Alexia stated ever so quietly, almost intelligibly, in complete awe. You shared the sentiment, a smile on your face when the brunette leaned down to graze her lips against the young girl’s forehead. 

“The luckiest.” You agreed in a breathy whisper, utterly consumed with love for your daughter, and the woman at your side. 

“I know she has to sleep in her room eventually, but for tonight, we have her in here. And maybe, I don’t know, we think of a different approach. It isn’t working for her and it’s not fair on any of us.” You nodded immediately, mind already reeling with idea after idea to make it an easier transition for everyone. Ultimately though, after the night that’d already been had, now wasn’t the time.

“We’ll figure it out tomorrow. We’re all exhausted.” Alexia hummed her agreement with a yawn for good measure. 

After a few more minutes of cuddles with your family, you cautiously put Anaís down into the cot next to your side of the bed. Having already done your own night routine long before the events that had occurred, you climbed into bed and lay on your side facing your daughter, like you did nearly every night. Alexia did a quick check around the house, locking the doors and grabbing anything the three of you might need overnight as she always did, before sliding under the duvet behind you. Her lips found your shoulder, followed by her arms wrapping around you and hugging you tight back to her. 

“I love you. Always.” She murmured against your skin, nuzzling her face into the back of your neck.

“I love you too, Ale.” You said back easily, because it was easy to say those words to her, no matter what had happened. Some truths were simple. 

The next day, you found a new system for Anaís bedtime. One that was extraordinarily better for all of you, and worked almost seamlessly. Some nights were a bit harder than others, and she did end up in your room every so often, but it wasn’t long before she was sleeping in her rooms every night and only waking up a couple times. And when it was time for your second child, your son Oriol, to adapt to his room, the two of you had it down perfectly. That blip with Anaís was merely a distant memory.

—

“Anaís, no, you can’t throw your food at me!” Alexia sighed exasperatedly, bending down for the hundredth time to pick up her daughter’s dinner that was more on the floor than her plate. 

Days where you were out working and Alexia was left alone with Anaís were days she treasured. Except, when the two year old seemingly decided that she didn’t feel like treasuring them and instead didn’t want anything to do with her Mami, things weren’t so fun. 

The morning had been bliss, with the three of you spending it lazily in bed until 10am where you finally had to get up and get ready to leave, which was when everything fell apart. The second the door closed behind you, the what should be quiet house was then filled with the sharpest cries one could imagine. It took twenty minutes and too many persuasion tactics from Alexia to get her to calm down, which included a small bowl of chocolate buttons in front of the TV, something so out of the norm for a morning with Anaís. She screamed and screamed anytime the brunette tried to change her into clothes other than her pajamas, and the same went for when she tried to put some shoes on her. So that threw the day’s plans out the window, substituted for a day at home instead, where Alexia had no idea what to do with both Anaís and herself.

Alarm bells were already ringing loudly in her mind at the out-of-character behaviour from her daughter, but no matter what she tried, she couldn’t get to the bottom of it. The toddler didn’t seem ill, she wasn’t showing any signs of injuries that Alexia could see, she’d had a great night's sleep the night before, and nothing else was out of the norm. She wasn’t the type to behave badly on purpose, or at least hadn’t until that point, and Alexia didn’t believe that was what the case was. The midfielder was left completely dumbfounded. 

And it remained that way for the whole time you were gone. In fact, things got worse. Hardly half an hour went by without tears from Anaís and concern that was unknowingly turning into frustration for Alexia. All sorts of things started running through her mind, thoughts she hadn’t had in a long time, not since her daughter was a tiny sub-10-pound baby whose fist fit around her pinky. With each show of defiance, of utter distaste for her Mami, and every scrike that shook the walls of your home, the doubts began to creep in for Alexia. They snuck in quietly, disguised by the sounds coming from Anaís, nestling deep in the back of her head and growing nearly every second. 

When dinner time came, of which even just getting Anaís into her chair was a struggle, her confidence as a parent was in tatters. It’d been thoroughly wrecked, she didn’t even know how the pair of them had survived the day. But the worst was yet to come.

No less than five minutes in and almost her entire dinner was scattered across the tiled floor of the kitchen. What hadn’t made it to the ground had gathered on Alexia’s shirt. The tears came back in full force for the younger girl, and the excruciating pain it was to listen to it nearly evoked the same reaction from the footballer. Never had she felt so lost, so not worthy of being a parent. She didn’t feel at all good enough for her daughter, something she always worried she’d feel but never actually believed it was a point she’d reach. Well, she had, and it seemed like a pit she’d spiralled into that she would never get out of again.

You came home at precisely the right time to save the situation from becoming any worse. You closed the door behind you and went to call out to your family, just to hear what could only be described as terror. Anaís’ shouting voice echoed from the kitchen to the hall by the front door, paired with Alexia’s panicked ramble as she tried to extinguish the situation. At that, you rushed to put your things down so you could go in and see what seemed to be going so wrong.

“-please! Anaís, we’re okay, it’s okay! Mi amor, I don’t know what to do for you, wha-”

“Ale? What’s going on?” 

When you walked in, Alexia looked like she could have cried from relief. Anaís calmed instantly, like the day hadn’t even happened. Her arms reached out for you whilst Alexia slumped back in her chair, slamming an empty plastic bowl that once had fruit in it onto the table, and putting her head in her hands. 

“Of course she fucking settles with you.” 

Whereas such a phrase may have sounded venomous to anyone else, to you, the person that had spoken to her every single day since you met her all those years ago, you knew the sentence was coated in frustration which was aimed entirely at herself. And the accompanying sniffle she tried to disguise after it too told you everything. When she got angry, especially at herself, she got tearful. Because she wasn’t an angry person; she was afraid of disappointing others. Which, in turn, filled her with fury that burned her from the inside out. Barely two seconds in the room with her and you knew it must’ve been a terrible day for the both of them, and that Alexia was wracked with a devastating amount of self-loathing.

“Okay, okay. She didn’t eat much dinner, I’m assuming?” You checked gently, being met with a scoff and a shake of her head where it was still in her hands, hiding the turmoil that’d be visible on her face with the tears that no doubt streamed. “That’s fine, we can deal with it. Could you go run her a bath for me? Take a moment away from all this and run her a bath so I can try and get her to eat something before bedtime?”

The two year old, with wispy strands of her brown hair sticking to her cheek from a combo of sweat and tears, rested her head against your shoulder and tucked her face into your neck. She seemed tired, exhausted even, something that didn’t exactly come as a surprise given what had apparently transpired during the day. However, you weren’t certain that she was properly feeling like herself, something told you she wasn’t doing too well. 

Per your request, Alexia left the room as soon as you spoke, head bowed as she left which was just another example of the mental state she was in. It concerned you, both of them concerned you, and it took everything within you to keep a frown off your face at the ache you felt in your chest as a result of the situation you were faced with. Almost all your questions were solved when you grabbed the thermometer from the first aid box in one of the kitchen cupboards and found that Anaís had a temperature. 

You rushed to fix her a bowl of cereal, all care for what she ate out the window, so that you could give her some medicine as soon as possible. She ate some of it, albeit reluctantly with a bit of defiance, but enough that satisfied you for the night. Leaving the mess for later, you cuddled your daughter close to you as you headed upstairs to where Alexia had a bath ready and waiting. The brunette sat on the edge of it, hand dipped into the water to check it was just right, before she turned the taps off and dried her fingertips on her shirt.

“Ready?” You hummed quietly, her jumping a little and standing abruptly, turning around to face you. 

Her face was red, much alike Anaís’, and it seemed her emotions were still overwhelming her. She gave a quick nod, before mumbling something about going downstairs to clean up and going to rush past you. You, on the other hand, were having none of it.

“Hey. Hey, hey, hey.” You reached a hand out to carefully grab her wrist, Alexia not putting up a fight as you did so and stopping in her step. You turned her to face you, but she didn’t look at you. So you dropped her hand and raised your own to her cheek, a tender touch that had her inhaling sharply at the softness of it. “She’s okay, she’s eaten now and she’s calm, she had a temperature so I ga-”

“She had a temperature? But I checked twice today?” Alexia cut you off in alarm. Immediately, she put the back of her hand on Anaís’ back under her shirt to find her skin was running hot. “I checked twice, this morning and only a couple hours ago, it was normal, I sw-”

“I know, I know. It must have only come on in the last hour or so, but she was probably feeling unwell all throughout the day. She’s had some medicine, she’ll start feeling better any time now. Don’t worry about it, Ale. Everything is alright. I’m gonna bath her and put her to bed, I’ll come find you after and we can talk, okay?” It seemed the midfielder forewent a reply because she wasn’t sure if it were words or sobs that would come out, so she nodded once more, avoiding your gaze. You leaned up and kissed her forehead, smiling sadly at the tears drowning her eyes. “I love you. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.”

Later on, with Anaís fast asleep tucked up in bed, it taking no time at all for her to doze off, you came downstairs to total silence. The kitchen and lounge, which were both once a mess, were spotless. The horrors of the day had been erased, and Alexia was nowhere to be found. 

Through the window, you could see evening turn to dusk with the sky painted a deep orange that faded into light blue. There wasn’t a cloud in sight, only a small crescent moon and trails from planes that’d flown overhead. And there, staring at the view of the city from the backyard of your home, was the one person you were looking for. 

Alexia was sat on the edge of the stone wall where patio stones turned to grass, leaning back on her hands that rested on the bricks, shoulders shuddering infrequently with her sporadic breaths. Without being clued up yet on exactly what had occurred whilst you were away, you knew it’d been a bad day for her as a parent. You felt for her, heart a little broken at the psychologically wrecked version of her you’d come home to. You’d been in her place a number of times, and she never failed at making you feel invincible with her love and care afterwards, no matter how far you’d spiralled down. Tonight, she needed you.

The defeated brunette definitely would have heard you open and close the door, as well as your footsteps, though she gave no reaction to either. You wandered over, rounding the wall and sitting beside her. You looked at her, really looked at her, but she kept her eyes averted, glancing at everything apart from you. Her knee was bouncing, her posture was tense, and there was still a steady stream of tears down her cheeks that she ignored. You didn’t want to overwhelm her, or worsen her mood, so all you did then was rest a hand on her thigh, and give her some time to decompress a little. Or, so you thought.

“I don’t know what went so wrong today. I don’t know what I did.” She started to ramble quickly, sniffling and stumbling over her words with her shoulders up to her ears in a shrug as she tried to defend herself to you. But she didn’t need to defend herself, you didn’t blame her for a thing. “I-I got the thermometer out and checked her twice, it was normal, it was fine. I didn’t recognise she was… she was ill. She was sick all day because of… because of m-me.” 

As she spoke, it sounded like she was about to break. It’d been so long since you’d heard her like that.

“Ale, she’s fine. She won’t even remember today when she wakes up in the morning, tomorrow is a new day and-”

“Do you think I’m a bad parent?” The question she cut you off shocked you, and it took a second for it to register before you frowned at her and squeezed her knee.

“Alexia, of course I d-” She stood abruptly, shaking her head incessantly. 

“No, because I missed so many signs today, it’s my fault she had such a bad day. I messed up so much I just didn’t get anything right, I would understand if y-”

You got up and stood in front of her, hands on her face to stop her panicking and to ground her. Still, she refused to meet your eye, but you gave her a soft yet firm look.

“I don’t, Alexia, I never could.” 

She nodded in response before she properly processed your words, and when the realisation did settle in, that’s when she cracked. Her forehead fell to your shoulder and her hands linked loosely around your waist, leaning into you as sobs ripped out from her. You wrapped your arms around her tightly, turning your head a little to leave a few kisses on her cheek every now and then as she cried, a reminder you were there for her. One of your hands rubbed up and down her back comfortingly as she let out all the pent up emotions into your shoulder. You didn’t move. You stayed right there for her.

“Anaís is okay, you’re okay. Everything is okay, Alexia, I promise. It’s just a bad day.” You whispered as she began to calm, hand still moving up and down, just slower but still reassuring. “She’ll go to Eli’s like normal if she’s well enough tomorrow, and she’ll have the best day there because you know she’ll get treated like a princess. You didn’t miss anything because there were no signs to miss, you said it yourself. You checked, twice, like any good and loving parent would, and nothing concerning came up. That’s not your fault.”

There was a minute nod against you, and you’d take that for now. You turned again to kiss her cheek, lingering for longer and hugging her impossibly tighter after. A minute or so later, she leaned back in your hold but you didn’t let go for a second, and she wiped her eyes on the sleeve of the jumper she’d changed into at some point whilst you dealt with Anaís. Then, finally, she met your gaze, defeat and exhaustion along with some taunting guilt that still hovered around, all present in her red, puffy eyes. 

“Is she upset or, maybe, angry? At me?” She asked cautiously, to which you smiled and shook your head with a click of your tongue.

“She’s your daughter, she doesn’t get angry at the people she loves. Especially not her Mami.” You answered with ease, with certainty. Even though you hadn’t outright asked Anaís how she felt about the day, you knew one thing and that was she didn’t feel any of those things towards Alexia. Never could.

“She was earlier. For most of the day.” Alexia feebly argued.

“No, she’s ill, and as a small toddler in such a big, scary world, she doesn’t know what to do when she feels like that.” You reassured her, reaching a hand up to tuck a loose strand of hair that had fallen from her bun back behind her ear. “Don’t blame yourself anymore, please. Because Anaís and I don’t, nobody does. Tell that huge brain of yours to shut up for once.” 

She let out a quiet chuckle, and though you’d heard that sound a thousand times before, it was music to your ears then, no less than it was the first time you heard it. Walking to your table on your first date, Alexia close behind you with her hand on your back, you making a stupid comment about how overly hard the waiter was trying to impress your date, clearly having recognised her, and her softly chuckling down your ear. You shivered then at the sound, and you shivered there, in the backyard of your shared home, your daughter asleep inside and attempts for a second child actively in progress. But the shiver this time was, rather unfortunately and not so romantically, due to the chill of the evening as the sun bid its goodbye with the horizon.

“I make no promises.” Alexia murmured, resting her forehead against yours and letting her eyes fall shut. 

You smiled, noticing the difference in her already compared to when you first stepped outside, and tilted your head a bit to leave a kiss to her lips. It caught her by surprise, and she opened her eyes again to find you, the love of her life, gazing at her with all the love you had to give and more, not a single part of you believing the doubts that weighed her down. It helped her to remember what she did everything for and why; for her family. Always. You, Anaís, and any future children if the pair of you were to be so lucky. A bad day was a drop in the ocean, it was an ounce of misfortune compared to the pricelessness of your lives. It would stick in her mind for a little while, but how could she focus on that when she lived a dream everyday. 

—

Your fortune only grew when you fell pregnant with your third child after months of failed IVF attempts – a son, named Oriol, who was the mirror of his older sister, something that only became more and more true as he grew up. Anaís flourished in her role, absolutely infatuated with her baby brother and desperate to do anything to help her parents whenever she could. For some time, the four of you lived in a perfect little bubble of pure bliss. All the talk about how difficult it was going from one child to two seemed far away, everyday was… perfect. 

You were never much of a morning person before becoming a parent, but having two children didn’t really leave you much of a choice but to become one. Alexia had been, and she often took those early sunrise shifts because she treasured them. When Anaís was a baby that didn’t have the boundless energy of a toddler, she was always more than happy to sit in her Mami’s arms as she woke up. On warmer mornings, they’d spend the time outside, until winter settled in and made that prospect daunting, Alexia fearing her daughter’s fingers and toes might drop off in only a few minutes of being out in the cold. 

Then Oriol came along, and mornings turned into a bit of a handful for one parent to handle. Especially because Anaís did possess an unreal amount of giddiness that was difficult to juggle with a grouchy newborn. So the pair of you found a system, a routine that quickly became something that you treasured.

Most days it was a toss up between which child would wake up first, but they usually stirred at the same time, a blessing in disguise most days. On some occasions, you’d get up and go for a walk, or out for breakfast, or to a family member’s house. But other times, of which were your favourite, you’d have breakfast in bed together, a lazy start to the day. They were a rarity more than others, with Alexia in and out of the city and the country, so you never took them for granted.

Perfect, until you went back to work, many months down the line, just as the intensity of Alexia’s football season picked up, and suddenly everything you thought you knew just… disappeared. Sure, she’d stepped away from the national team when Anaís was around a year old, but that never lightened the load of club football, which still caught you off guard every year, especially your first as a parent of two. Going from seeing Alexia nearly everyday, spending hours with her, to barely having her in one place for too long as you juggled work was more difficult than you expected. 

Even on the days she was in Barcelona, there was training and media commitments and sponsorship shoots and meetings that kept her away. You saw her at breakfast, where she rushed out with nothing but a banana and a protein shake, not before kissing your cheek and your children’s, and you saw her when she got home late in the evening, helping with bedtime before falling into bed with you and dozing off almost immediately. 

Before you could realise, you felt a distance growing between you. You felt disconnected from her world when normally your worlds were one and the same. She was still the perfect parent you knew her as, but that’s all she had time and energy for. The strain was becoming too much for the both of you, with two kids and workloads that had no limits. For some time, you didn’t know how to solve it. And that scared the life out of you.

Each morning you dropped off your children at Eli’s house, which was only three days a week as the rest you worked when you had the chance to at home, she could see the stress everything was causing you grow more every time you visited her. On the rare occasion she saw her daughter, she saw the same burden on her shoulders too. The wiser woman couldn’t let it go on any longer; one morning, she ordered that you came in and sat down with her for coffee. She was a persuasive woman, even as you argued about being late for work, she waved you off and gently took hold of your hand to lead you inside. With Oriol in one arm, resting on her hip, she moved around her kitchen with an effortlessness you dreamed of having. 

Everything took so much energy, so much mental strength, a piece of your resolve was chipped away everyday. It seemed things had gotten too much, your resolve becoming too weak, because when Eli set down your coffee in front of you, you were already in bits. All it took was the hug she gave for you to fall apart into her arms. 

After that, you took the day off work. You sat and listened, your son offering you a slice of normality, of comfort, as he slept in your arms whilst Eli gave every bit of advice she had to give. If it wasn’t for her, you dreaded to think of how far things might have gone before either you or Alexia fell apart, and if that might have manifested as a breakdown or a show of anger that could have done irreparable damage. But as you listened to her mother, you knew where Alexia got her parenting skills from, where she got her fierce care and compassion from. You were incredibly grateful for the both of them.

Eli demanded that, when Alexia got home from her game later that evening, you were to sit down and speak with her. You tried to argue that the brunette would be tired and a conversation like that was the last thing she would want to do, but you lost that fight. The older woman had you under strict instruction to get her to do it anyway, and if she didn’t, she had Eli’s wrath to deal with the next day.

Your children’s most beloved grandparent wasn’t the only saving grace of that particularly difficult period of time; the aforementioned game Alexia had that same night ended in a loss. And the effect it had on her was the final straw for her. Even without the push from her mother, the second she walked in to find you waiting at the door for her, she made it known that she couldn’t go on any longer the way you two were. She made it known by collapsing into your arms with ease, and it felt like decades since you last hugged her, properly. 

That night, you spent hours on the sofa, limbs entangled and tears soaking each other’s t-shirts, talking about how difficult things had been and how you could get past them. It wasn’t easy, it couldn’t be further from that description. There were things Alexia said that made you want to scream, shout, cry, argue about, and vice versa. Yet, you worked past it. By the time morning came, you were both fast asleep on the couch still, as close as you could where you held each other, not even stirring at the return of your children after their impromptu night at their abuela’s house, until Anaís snatched a crayon away from Oriol’s teething mouth which resulted in him letting out a piercing cry, abruptly waking the both of you.

This blip, as difficult and unbearable as it was at the time, was necessary for your relationship. It taught you things about each other that set you up for the rest of your lives together. 

An unspoken acknowledgement formed that presented itself when brief periods of busyness happened again; you learned to love each other quietly in those moments, ready to love loudly again when the storm passed. Your devotion to one another could be found in the quiet moments, like shared glances across the dinner table over breakfast and lingering touches as you passed each other whilst getting your children ready for the day. It could be found in notes slipped into the other’s coat pocket, coming home with flowers after a trip to the supermarket, guilty pleasure treats hidden in the cupboard away from the sweet tooth habits of your children that they’d definitely picked up from their Mami. 

There was an underlying agreement that whenever there was a hard moment, a disagreement, frustration at each other or the defiant behaviours from Anaís and Oriol, that you can still go to each other no matter what. Even if things went too far, you’d still end the night in each other’s arms, whether you were on speaking terms, one giving the other the silent treatment, or simply too tired to talk. And that might be the thing you treasure most about your relationship.

All these things were evident in the next large obstacle that fell before you both. 

Oriol was not quite the social butterfly as his sister had always naturally been. Nursery, to him, was torture. Being away from his family, with people he didn’t know? It was the scariest thing he’d ever had to face in the nearly three years of his life. 

The first day that you and Alexia dropped him off there, only for an hour to get him adjusted, it couldn’t have gone any worse. The ordeal left you both in tears as Alexia drove you home silently. The brunette had to stand beside you and watch as they pulled your son out of your arms, him clinging onto you desperately as the most heartbreaking sobs you’d heard in your life ripped through him. And that had been after the two of you spent half an hour showing him around and playing with him, as well as trying to leave quietly before his cries brought you running right back. 

Every part of you screamed to take him home, to never step foot near a nursery again, because you couldn’t cope with the fear and anxiety he was feeling. It hurt, physically hurt. Your heart clenched so tightly each time, you swore if his scrikes were a decibel higher, you’d go into cardiac arrest. But that wasn’t realistic, he had to go at some point and taking him home to stop that would only delay the inevitable. You just didn’t know it would be so hard.

Anaís wasn’t at all like that; the second she step foot in the small classroom, saw all the toys she could play with, saw the mud kitchen and the sand pit and the water pit, all the bikes and scooters she could ride out on the playground, it was more of a challenge to get her to leave than stay. Oriol though, he despised it.

Three days in a row, you arrived back at home with a lump in your throat and remnants of your son’s pain on you in the form of the tear drops that dotted your jumper, and you couldn’t take it. Alexia closed the door behind you both, and you immediately broke down crying at the thought of him back there, all alone, wondering why his parents had taken him to such a terrible place and left him there.

“We, we can’t take him there anymore, Ale, h-he hates it so much.” You sobbed, eyes closed as you pictured his little face, his eyes filled with betrayal, and his wobbling bottom lip when he realised you were just going to walk out on him again.

“We have to, amor, you know this.” Alexia sighed sadly, not frustrated with you, instead equally as torn up about it. 

“Alexia, he hates it! We’re his parents, we’re not meant to do this to him, we can’t keep putting him through this!” 

With a frown on her face as she tried to suppress her own emotions, she headed over to you and hugged you, holding you close to her.

“Shh.” She shushed you gently, but it had the opposite effect. You pushed away from her, the brunette stumbling backwards slightly and having to catch herself with a hand on the drawers behind. 

“No, why are you okay with this? You’re not letting anything on, why aren’t you as affected as I am?” You accused, and she had to take a breath to keep a cool head. 

This wasn’t you talking, it was your concern. It was a momentary blip that happened to the both of you every now and then. She recognised it instantly, two kids did that to her.

“We’re not fighting about this, mi amor. I’m not fighting you.” Alexia told you in a soft, calming tone. You raked your hand through your hair and huffed, not even sure why you were starting on her like that. Of course she felt just as guilty and afraid as you. “We have to do this now, at some point, otherwise we will never get him into school anyway. He will get used to it, I know he will. But it’s hard now, it’s so hard.” 

“So hard.” You whimpered, putting your head in your hands as your cries picked up again. Alexia stepped closer, her arms around you again as you buried your face into her chest.

“We’ll get him through it. I know we will. He’ll love it before you know it.” She whispered, her comforting words beginning to crack through the walls of panic that surrounded your mind, even if she didn’t know if what she was saying would become true.

The thing was, it only got tougher. Everyday he spent longer there, until you dropped him off as he sobbed for you and there wasn’t anything you could do but leave him there until mid-afternoon to pick him up. It was a wonder you got any work done during that time because all you could see was the heartbreak on his face every time you walked out of his classroom. And there were numerous occasions after that one day with Alexia where the two of you clashed over it, some worse than others. Her lack of expression about the situation grated on you, as if she didn’t care, until you stepped back and gained rationality and realised she was just trying to be strong for you.

But then, your son surprised you. One of the best surprises, one of the most relieving.

After another difficult day of dealing with his meltdowns before nursery and being extremely distracted at work, you decided to walk to pick him up. Alexia’s training had run late, something she was frustrated and a little upset with (not that she’d admit that to you) because it put her head at peace to have her son back in her sight, her arms, after seeing him so worked up in the morning. She really kept quiet about it, she let the guilt eat away at her silently rather than adding to the things you were feeling. When she was at home, she occupied herself with the most unnecessary things, because it distracted her from how the silence of the house exaggerated the cries that echoed around her mind whilst Oriol was away. Picking him up from nursery and seeing the way he ran towards you both was the only thing that made it feel worth it.

You had all the faith in the world in your son, like any parent should towards their child. Maybe it was wrong to feel so shocked, but that was the last thing on your mind when you arrived at his classroom door, saw the way he grinned from ear to ear as he played with two other boys, and laughed heartily at something one of them did. You’d seen him playing other times, though he didn’t seem so bright and happy like he did then. It brought tears to your eyes, for all the right reasons this time.

“He has had a much better day today. He is adjusting now.” One of his teachers told you when she came over, a warm smile on her face. “I know it has been hard for you and your partner seeing him struggle every morning, but today we have noticed a big difference. I think he’s happy.”

When she saw your reaction of tears of euphoria, she brought you in for a brief, comforting hug. It set in then, that as horribly difficult and unbearable as it had been, it was worth it. You did the right thing. All you could wish for in that moment was to have Alexia there with you.

Your next best bet was meeting her at training. It wasn’t too far from the nursery, and with Oriol being in such an upbeat mood, you decided you would walk there with him. Because you have to take care of the person you love just as much as your children. And it felt like, with Oriol finally happy with the day he’d had, you could turn your attention to Alexia, and pour all the love back into your relationship which had been a little neglected during that time.

You would have done anything to make the experience better for your young son from the get-go, but all the trials and tribulations just made it sweeter. The whole walk, he rambled endlessly about what he did that day. He remembered every single detail about the friends he had made, what games they played, the size of the train line they’d built around the whole classroom; you hadn’t ever seen such elation on his face as he relayed it all to you. Then he said–

“I can’t wait to go back tomorrow.” 

Each time he came home, the first thing he talked about was how much he didn’t want to go back the next day. Honestly, you weren’t sure how you didn’t break down crying on the spot. But with his tiny dinosaur bag hanging off one of your shoulders, his hand in yours, and tears burning your eyes, you couldn’t recall a better feeling whilst being his parent. All you could do was march down the streets of your newfound home and think of what the love of your life’s reaction would be.

It wasn’t just her though, it was all her teammates too, who filed into the locker room each with equally wide smiles at the surprise of seeing you both there. Oriol went a little shy in your arms, as you would expect, but he relished in the proud reactions each person gave when you told them about the successful day he’d had. Irene especially, who could have passed as Oriol’s third parent when she looked as if she could cry from pride at the news. Alexia, of course, was the last one in. 

The others left after changing, heading home after quick showers, all whilst Alexia lingered outside with a few members of staff, talking away like she always did about football. Thankfully though, to put you out of your misery, one of them that stayed behind with you shouted her in under the guise of physio, even though she was apparently perfectly fine. You could hear her grumbling about it as she came closer, making you laugh, as you sat at her cubby whilst your son wandered around the room, babbling to himself and messing with things he probably shouldn’t. 

Then she walked in, head still down, not noticing you both until Oriol’s squeal had her eyes snapping up.

“Wha–? What are you doing here?” The brunette broke out into one of the happiest, all-consuming smiles you’d ever seen her do, crouching down to her son’s height as he ran over as fast as he could waddle. She laughed giddily as he wrapped his little arms around her neck, lifting him up and hugging him tightly. 

“Oriol, why don’t you tell Mami about your day?” You prompted him, watching his face light up even more as he leaned back in Alexia’s hold so he could see her. 

“I loved it!” He beamed, a bright grin on his lips, one you hadn’t seen in so long. 

Alexia turned to you briefly as he started rambling, speaking a whole load of nothing initially as he couldn’t contain himself with his babbling. Her expression was one of astonishment, but also the most relief you had ever seen a human possess. There was a gloss to her eye that shone brightly in the fluorescent light of the locker room, one she tried to blink away when she turned back to her son.

He went on and on, just like he did to you, stuttering due to his mind working faster than his mouth, and diving in and out of a hundred stories at once. As he did so, Alexia had one hand splayed out across his back, rubbing up and down or in circles whilst holding him up with her other arm. Her eyes were wide as she listened to each and every detail he revealed, so much giddiness radiating off of him, it was hard to keep up.

“And-and then, then we played in the water and I g-got water on my jumper, but it was okay, ‘cause the teacher made it not wet again, that was good ‘cause I got cold, and then Pau finded more train pieces, so we made it more long, and-”

“Breathe, mister.” Alexia laughed, brushing back his wispy brown hair and stroking his cheek with her thumb as he inhaled dramatically. “Sounds like the best day!”

“I can’t wait to go back tomorrow!” He kicked his legs as he spoke, almost hitting Alexia in the stomach, but that was the last thing on her mind. All she could focus on were the words you got stuck on earlier too.

“You want to go back?” She asked softly, eyes darting all over his face to find a hint of the dread he had been weighed down by since starting nursery.

“Sí! Ahora!” He answered without a millisecond of hesitation, before descending into unorganised chatter.

“I am so proud of you.” She interrupted him a moment later, scattering kisses all over his face that had him squealing and pushing her away with his small hands. “I love you.”

“I love you too!” Oriol shrieked when more were pressed against his cheek. “Mama said I can have churros for dinner.” 

“Really?” Alexia raised an eyebrow as she looked at you, waving you over. When you were close enough, she wrapped an arm around your shoulders and kissed your cheek, this time a lot more civilly. “Well, I can’t disagree with that. I think you deserve all the churros we can find in Barcelona.”

The three of you laughed together, for the first time in a while, not burdened by the thought of tomorrow. No, instead, he couldn’t wait for it. Perhaps more excited for it then his churros, and that was no easy feat. What more could you ask for, other than the unbridled joy of your child, even if that was with chocolate spilled onto any surface and material he could find?

And just like any other time that felt uncertain, difficult, borderline end of the world, Alexia was there with you through it all. Steady. Calm when you weren’t. Ready to celebrate you when you needed it most. The best part was, you could tell she thought the same about you. That was a compliment you couldn’t get over. Even being a parent, having two lives depend on you, knowing that you were the person that the one you loved most went to for everything and anything, it was still something you wore like a medal. You loved being her person, loved building a life with her. Loved everything to do with her, even all the parts of her that aggravated to your wits end. You couldn’t get enough of her. 

—

Fights were inevitable. In any and all relationships, they were an impossible thing to avoid. It was rare, so rare, for you and Alexia to have ones that lasted longer than even a few hours. Yet, as was reality, there were one or two that snuck in which uprooted everything, and it was an even tougher mountain to get over when kids were involved.

With their tiny, developing, and unsuspecting brains, it often went under the radar the utter scale of things they picked up on. And you weren’t sure what was in Alexia’s eggs, but your two children ended up growing into the most emotionally mature seven year old and three year old the world had ever seen. No amount of hushed whispers and avoided eye contact could get past them; as a result of the two of you being so openly happy and in love, the second something was amiss, they could just sense it in the air somehow. It blew your mind, plain and simple. So no matter how hard you tried to keep your arguments separate from their little worlds, they always knew anyway. 

You and Alexia had your own stresses you were dealing with, you with your job and Alexia with hers, with the addition of bad news from family that weighed down on the both of you. Those things, as much as you tried to keep them on the down-low and deal with them individually, they soon became too heavy for the burdens to not be shared. But neither of you recognised that. They built and built and built, until everything came crashing down around you. 

First, it started with furrowed eyebrows and heavy sighs from Alexia as she moved around the kitchen like everything in her way was merely an inconvenience. Not you, not her children, rather the mess that had been left behind as you attempted to keep two hyperactive kids on their school breaks entertained for the fourth day they had off, which was a challenge and a half. You hadn’t had time to clean up after them as they went through the house like a tornado or a bull in a fine China shop, hoping they could keep their giddiness contained enough so that you didn’t spend your evening in the emergency waiting room at the nearby hospital. 

Whether Alexia was directing her passive aggressive frustration at you or not, you took it that way regardless. She wasn’t the one that’d had to spend the day chasing after Anaís and Oriol, she’d had a fairly inconspicuous schedule of training and some media interviews and shoots. What you didn’t know, however, was the onslaught of questions she had received about her form which had taken a slight dip in the past few games, as well as the carefully worded questions about Barcelona’s future and her future too, a topic journalists ran with the second she didn’t do well in a game. She loathed the doubts of her ability just because she was a mother and older than her peers, she knew she was still capable, and perfection was expected of her when perfection wasn’t possible for anyone.

Looking back, you knew it was immature, but you made a stupid passing comment anyway about her behaviour since she’d come home. The carelessness in the way she kicked her shoes off at the door and haphazardly left her bag beside it, the theatrics as she cleaned the kitchen, and the aversion she had to even looking at you. One sentence from you was all it took for the house to burst into flames. And with your children outside in the garden doing whatever they were doing, neither of you had no qualms raising your voices at each other.

In only a matter of minutes, there were tears streaking down your face and Alexia’s too. You took yourself away from the situation, unable to bear the venomous way the one surefire person on your team was talking to you, slamming the bedroom door shut behind you for good measure. Alexia, on the other hand, gripped the edge of the counter and bowed her head, teardrops falling onto the granite as she squeezed her eyes shut to try, and fail, at keeping them in. 

Meanwhile, outside, Anaís and Oriol found themselves rooted to the spot for the whole duration of the short fight they heard indoors. They couldn’t make out the words, slightly intelligible as they were muffled by the closed doors and windows of the house, but the damage was already done. Oriol turned to Anaís with a wobbling lower lip first, his little heart beating rapidly at the scary situation he was now presented with. Anaís noticed, and shook the fear off her shoulders before hastily walking over to him. With a determined face, her eyebrows pressed down into a scowl much alike her mother during the most intense game of her life, she planted her hands on her brother’s shoulders and, before speaking her plan, quickly kissed his forehead which calmed his anxiety just a little.

“I go check on Mama, you go see Mami. Vale?” She addressed him calmly, yet like she knew exactly what she was doing, which reassured him. Oriol thought of his big sister as someone he looked up to, he wanted to be her, he admired her. So he stood taller, puffed his chest out, took a deep breath, and nodded like he’d been handed a military mission that was due to save the world. Still, Anaís could spot the worry in his eyes. “It will be okay, Oriol. Promise!”

She removed one of her hands and held out her pinky for him. Without a shred of hesitation, he linked his own with hers and they both kissed their knuckles, just like they’d seen their Mami do with her goalkeeper teammate. Then, they marched inside, Anaís leading Oriol of course, making their way to their designated locations. Just before the door into the kitchen, the brunette girl turned back to her younger brother and gave him a reassuring smile. He smiled back, not quite as sure as hers, but confident enough that she kissed his forehead again before turning and running up the stairs. 

Oriol then turned to face the open doorway where he could see his Mami, his strong and dependent and steady parent, stood with her shoulders shaking as she cried silently. He found himself frowning, his bottom lip threatening to quiver again, before he remembered the task at hand and marched forwards towards her with a confidence he didn’t have.

“Mami?” He said gently, flinching a little at the speed Alexia whipped around to look at him whilst wiping her tears. It was futile to do so, with her already puffy eyes and red cheeks as more fell immediately. 

“Hola, mi príncipe.” The midfielder replied, voice cracking as she choked down her sobs at the flurry of emotions drowning her in that moment.

“Qué pasa?” He asked, stepping closer to her and reaching out his hand for her to take. She did, squeezing his and finding comfort in the soft weight of it in her hold. 

“Nothing.” Her natural reaction was to shrug it off, but it wasn’t right. One look at his face, the depth of his concern far too deep for a boy his age, told her she should be as honest as she could whilst still protecting him.  That was her job after all. “I am a little sad, Oriol. I’m sad because your Mama is sad too. We said some silly things to each other. But it is okay, we are allowed to be sad. I… I…” 

Her emotions got the better of her again, tears dripping off her cheeks and dampening her t-shirt as her son stood and watched. He fumbled internally for a moment, growing upset at the sight of his normally strong and steady Mami, and thinking hard on what she normally does when he cried. 

She hugged him, until he stopped, and long after that. So that’s what he did.

He stepped forward, slipped his hand out of hers, and wrapped his arms around her thigh. She wiped her eyes so she could see clearly and looked down, seeing the curiosity on his face of if he’d done the right thing or not. God, if he only knew. 

Alexia leaned down, hooking her hands under his arms, gently pulled him away, before sliding down to sit back against the cabinet and bringing him back into her. She crossed her legs and placed Oriol in the gap left, before wrapping her arms around him this time, hugging him as tight as she could without hurting him or scaring him off. He hugged her back, a proud smile on his face that he’d got it right. 

What was occurring upstairs, however, was a different story. 

Anaís crept in with the subtlety of a marching band, trying to read the room before she went ahead with Plan A, and if necessary, she would switch to a gentler approach of Plan B. She found you lay in bed, crying, but trying to hide your face from your daughter due to the avalanche of emotions you were experiencing. However, when you factored in who she got her genes from, you should have known better. 

“Excuse me.” The younger girl started, standing beside your bed with her hands on her hip and a look on her face that was all too familiar to one the person that caused this would make. It made you laugh, quietly, but also cry a bit more. So Anaís softened, moving to sit on the side of the bed and taking hold of your hand. “Are you okay?”

“I will be.” You sniffled, an ever so dramatic statement. Anaís looked at you skeptically, like she didn’t quite trust you. “Mami said some mean things to me.”

Her face changed then, an obvious one that not even the most oblivious person could miss. 

“Did you say some mean things to Mami too?” 

Your silence, paired with the sheepish look on your face at being caught out by a seven year old was more than enough for her.

“That’s not fair, Mama! God, you are both so stupid.” She groaned, slapping a hand over her eyes. If you didn’t know any better, you’d assume she was seventeen.

“Excuse me!” You scolded lightly, with no real threat behind it. 

Anaís sighed disapprovingly, a shake of her head to tie off the performance, before laying down next to you. She copied your position, pausing for a moment as she thought of what to do with herself, before laying an arm across your waist like she had seen Alexia do sometimes. You smiled at her, and copied her, which she then replied with an expression that mirrored yours.

“You shouldn’t argue with Mami. It makes you both sad.” Anaís commented, one of those things that a kid says that pulls at every heart string you have. 

“I know. But it happens sometimes, it shouldn’t, but it does. Adults argue over big things, like you and Oriol argue over who gets a piggyback first.” Strangely, her eyes lit up at that.

“You were arguing about piggybacks?!” She exclaimed like it was the most exciting prospect in the world. You laughed loudly, one that cleared the fog a bit and brightened your mood.

“No, god no. Something a bit more adult than piggybacks unfortunately. Really boring, nowhere near as exciting.”

“Well, if it was boring, then why did you argue? If you’re going to argue, it should be over something interesting at least. Like piggybacks.” You smiled in amusement, leaning forward to kiss your daughter’s forehead. Your children had a marvellous habit at making you indescribably happy at any given moment. 

“You make a good point, Anaís. Very good.” 

“Exactly. So why would you be mean! You love each other!” She fought her point again. If only things were so simple. But then again, maybe they are, when you look at it from a different perspective. 

Was there any real reason for you and Alexia to argue then like you did? You could hardly even remember how it started beyond a few passive aggressive sighs and slams of cupboards and an unnecessary jab. And those were really ridiculous reasons to start a fight. So maybe it was that simple.

“If I bring Mami upstairs, will you say sorry to each other?” Anaís wondered. It was then that you realised, beyond her joking nature, this whole thing had gotten to her quite a bit. Her and Oriol hadn’t ever really witnessed such a big blow-up like this before. You felt guilty for it, immeasurably so. 

“Only if she says sorry to me first.” You joked, holding back a laugh when Anaís rolled her eyes again. “Fine. Go get her.”

It wasn’t your kids’ job to be the emotionally wise ones of the house. It certainly wasn’t their job to fix adult arguments. That was supposed to be your responsibility, as well as Alexia’s, and you had failed. You were just glad your children had the maturity you momentarily lacked to provide some much needed clarity (and humour) to a situation that could have ended up worse.

“Mami, go upstairs. Now.” Anaís demanded as she stepped into the kitchen. 

Oriol was in Alexia’s lap then, sat on her thigh as he fidgeted with her wedding ring whilst they spoke quietly. The older woman’s tears had dried up, but the heartbreak on her face was still evident. Oriol, once he’d spotted Anaís, ditched Alexia and went over to his sister instead. That left the brunette on the floor of her kitchen, shirt damp with tear splotches, eyes red and ego bruised. But per her daughter’s demand, she nodded, got up off the floor, and left the kitchen, not before leaving kisses to their temples.

With a knuckle, she knocked on the bedroom door delicately, then walked in afterwards. Before the door had even closed behind her, there were two eavesdroppers waiting behind the corner of the wall for her to go in so that they could wait at the door. If Alexia’s attention wasn’t on you, and vice versa, you both would have heard the quiet thump of footsteps that stopped just outside of the room.

“I… was sent in by a very angry seven year old.” Alexia started, unsure what to do or say. You rolled onto your back and sat up against the headboard, hands fiddling with the corner of the blanket.

“I was lectured by a very angry seven year old.” You replied, the slightest hint of a smile on the midfielder’s face that spread to your face not long after. “I think they formed a coup against us.”

“I think they did.” Alexia agreed, moving away from the door and taking a seat on the bed in front of you, crossing her legs again. 

Neither of you said anything for a moment or two, and Oriol let out a frustrated huff outside the bedroom that Anaís shushed him for. Still, the two of you didn’t catch it. Alexia’s hand reached out to trace her fingertip over the pattern on the duvet below you both, a silent offering. Your hand landed in front of hers, accepting it. She linked your fingers together then, some of the pressure lifting from her chest as she squeezed your hand.

“I’m sorry. For saying what I said. And starting an argument.” You went first, knowing that you should, since you were the one that started it and let it descend into something it didn’t need to be.

“I’m sorry too. I… it was a bit stupid, wasn’t it?” Alexia grimaced, making you giggle just a little, just quietly. But it was enough for her.

“It was. We’re both a bit stupid sometimes. But thank god we’ve got two smart kids, right? Don’t know how that happened.” You teased back, this time the pair of you laughing. 

“Oriol hugged my leg and I think it made me cry even more.” You smiled sadly at that, shame crawling in that he felt the need to do that. All you could think was that he shouldn’t have had to do that.

“Anaís actually called us stupid too. Even they recognised it before we did.” You admitted with a shake of your head, a sentiment Alexia shared. Then it fell silent for a moment or two, and your smile fell into something more downbeat. “I think we need to be parents for a little while before we can sort us out. They shouldn’t have to do this, Ale. We… failed.” 

Alexia frowned deeply, one that wrinkled her forehead so intensely it was a wonder they didn’t stick. 

“We’re allowed to mess up sometimes, amor. They’re kids, they don’t expect perfection from us even if they don’t realise it. They want us to be okay, I don’t think that means we failed.” Alexia pointed out. She could see you arguing in your mind with yourself about it afterwards. “I hate that they saw it and felt like they had to fix it, I hate that too, don’t think I don’t. But it’s not a failure. We’re still here, they’re sat outside the door waiting for us, we’re all okay. They know they argue from time to time, but they still love each other. It’s no different for us.”

“I just…” You breathed out shakily, swallowed hard, and dropped your voice to a mumble. “I don’t want them to think this is what love looks like.”

The brunette softened then, immediately. She shuffled closer to you, sitting at your side, her body positioned towards yours, and wrapped an arm around your shoulders as she leaned her forehead against yours. 

“They know what love looks like. They see it between us everyday. They will remember this, but they will remember the rest too. Like me kissing your cheek and their cheeks before I leave in the morning, how ‘I love you’ is the last thing we all say at night. They know there is so much more to love, but… arguing is sometimes a part of it too. Maybe it just makes it a bit more real for them, even if we want to protect them from this side of it.” 

Wise, as always. One of the most emotionally intelligent people you knew, even if it took a year or two for her to reach that point when you first got together. Her perspective on everything, especially since becoming a parent, had shifted. Now, in moments like this, she always knew what to say. And what a moving thing to state at a time you felt your parenthood fracture into two. With some perfectly placed words, handcrafted to a T, that crack was sealed with gold.

Later that night, she said near enough the same thing to your kids. She made it known, in easier phrases, basic enough for their age, that it wasn’t their job to uphold your relationship. They shouldn’t feel the need to fix it, that that was a mistake on your behalfs. Yet, simultaneously, she explained that instances like that happened every so often between parents, between two people that loved each other. Even though Anaís didn’t seem too pleased about that, she certainly seemed to sleep easier after it. The next morning, it was like nothing had even happened. Thank god for pancakes.

—

No matter how many years had passed, how many times Alexia had to travel for work, you never missed her any less. That surprised you, honestly. At some point along the way you thought you would get used to it, and you did, to some degree. You just got better at handling it; didn’t mean you missed her any less at all. Probably more, actually.

Since retiring from the national team, her trips away had gotten much shorter. No two or three week long camps some place in Europe, no summer-long tournaments. Just a night or two away for a game before getting the earliest flight back she could get away with. 

That meant, the first long trip in quite a while hit your family harder than expected. Not in a way that was hard or difficult, there was a routine for it now. But there was just something missing from your home, the atmosphere of it changed. Ten video calls a day couldn’t change that. All that mattered, to you and your children, was having her back. Having her presence, her energy, her love, in the house again. 

When she first mentioned a two week pre-season camp in Mexico, you already felt that uncomfortable twist in your stomach just at the idea of it. There was a weight behind your eyes too, not quite tears, just a heaviness, like your body was already bracing for her absence. Those two feelings paled in comparison to what it was like as you stood on your doorstep, Anaís and Oriol beside you, watching her get into a taxi with her suitcases. The kids had been quiet for the rest of the day, missing her, not knowing what to do with the love they had for her without having a place for it to go. 

The morning before her planned flight back home, you woke up to a notification from her. No text, just a screenshot. A confirmation of a new plane ticket, due to land in Barcelona that night. The excitement that energised you for the rest of the day was boundless, much to your childrens’ confusion. Due to the very late hour of her arrival compared to their bedtimes, you didn’t want to tell them about it, apart from that the next time they woke up, she would be home. And that was the truth, because you had no doubts that Alexia would go into their rooms to see them, maybe even let them sleep in your bed for the night. 

You were pacing in the hallway, nervously flitting from room to room, making sure it was tidy even though you’d cleaned already and done a hundred once-overs, checking your phone, as you listened out for her arrival. You felt a little ridiculous with how your breathing stuttered every time a car passed by.

And, finally, when the door lock clicked at midnight, the light fluttery feeling in your chest hit its peak, stronger than you ever remember it being.

You froze in the midst of your pacing, in the hallway as the door opened with a creak that always annoyed her, one you never fixed just for moments like this. Your hands fidgeted with the hem of your shirt as she walked in, suitcase dragging behind her, duffel bag landing with a thud beside the shoe rack. She closed the door, shoulders slumped with the exhaustion of travelling, sighed quietly, and lifted her head up at the shuffling sound she heard of your slippers against the wood slats. Then, she gave that easy, lop-sided, quirk of a smile, the one she saved just for you, and you were moving. You didn’t greet her – instead, simply wrapped your arms around her back, hers landing around your neck and pulling you closer to her, if at all possible. A second or two of silence passed, until her soft chuckle was muffled against your hair.

“You missed me?” She hummed teasingly, her voice low and scratchy with tiredness. 

“A little.” Didn’t matter what your reply was, the embarrassingly raw emotion in your tone said it all for you.

Her grin pressed into your cheek as she turned her head, forehead against your temple, like the mere contact of your skin was recharging her soul. It was, if you asked her. 

You pulled back slightly, intending on looking at her, taking in the sight of her home again, but she surged forward to kiss you, foiling your plans as she let out an almost relieved breath against your lips. Her nose brushed yours, and it wasn’t the tidiest one you’d shared, but the way her hand came up to cradle your cheek and the softness that her lips moved with against yours was more than enough. You felt at home again, which was a little silly because you weren’t the one that had left for two weeks. But it was the truth.

“Mami?” 

A sleepy voice from the top of the stairs interrupted you both, your cheeks pink but hidden by the low light of the house bar one corner lamp, the pair of you casting your eyes up to your children staring. Anaís was there, one pant leg rolled up to her knee, most of her hair falling out of her plait. Oriol stood slightly behind her, blanket in one hand and his favourite teddy in the other.

“You are meant to be asleep.” Alexia told them both with a smile, watching as their eyes widened, like they had just processed who they were talking to.

All of sudden, there were two pairs of feet racing down the stairs so fast you thought they were going to fall through them. Anaís approached her at full speed, you hardly having enough warning to move out the way of her, giving Alexia the time to greet her children and brace for impact. Oriol trailed behind a little slower, dazed and confused. He didn’t even know 00:00 existed on a clock.

“Is it morning?” He asked, blinking like he had to think about it. You laughed quietly and shook your head, though he wasn’t at all interested in you, and you couldn’t even be mad about it.

Alexia was crouched down, Anaís wrapped in one arm as she opened the other for a waddling Oriol. He dropped his belongings and walked straight into her arms, half-asleep, adorning a dopey smile when she pulled him into her. She hugged them like she hadn’t seen them in a year, which is understandable when you’re all used to a night or two away. Two weeks in comparison to a precariously built routine that hardly lasts 48 hours feels like a lifetime. 

“You’re really home?” Anaís mumbled, clutching Alexia’s jumper collar in her fist like it was half a threat and half a hope she didn’t disappear again. Oriol watched the brunette’s face keenly, waiting for her answer, like his life depended on it.

“I’m really home.” She murmured in response, kissing their foreheads one after the other. Both of them shuffled closer to her then, trying to get as close as possible, to make up for lost time.

You watched from afar, leaning against the wall, arms crossed and gazing at the reunion of your family. Anaís’ fist didn’t budge, and Oriol clung to her arm, sleepy and clingy. You saw the way Alexia adjusted her hold on him, letting him bury his face in her neck before standing with the pair of them in her arms. She turned to you, a down-turned smile on her face, one that conveyed her adoration for the two tired beings curled into her. Now that she was home, they had settled immediately. The world was back on its tilt, the house no longer felt too big, the chests no longer missing a piece. Everything was right again.

“Go put them to bed. I’ll be down here.” You told her, not wanting to take away her time with them. She nodded, a grateful look in her eye directed towards you. You met it with a smile, then watched as she walked upstairs with two dead-weight children in her arms, hardly breaking a sweat.

Sometimes it did catch you off-guard, how much you missed her when she wasn’t with you, how much you loved her even all these years later. But all you had to do was take one look at her, see the admiration in her eyes when she gazed at her children, see the warmth and wonder she greeted you with every morning, to remember what it was that had you so content in your life. Because even after so much time had passed, she still looked at you like you were the best thing that had ever happened to her.

By the time she came back down, the house was quiet again. No thumps of feet against the floor as Anaís avoided bedtime to show Alexia each and every drawing herself and Oriol had made whilst she was gone, no requests for stories through slurred voices with drooping eyelids. Just the two of you, the hum of the fridge, the flicker of the lamp in the corner, and the gentle thrill of being together again that had your heart skipping still.

“They’re bigger.” She commented as she walked in, eyes fixed solely on you where you waited for her again. She came over to you, and that same fluttery feeling from earlier returned with every step she took.

“They always are when you come back.” 

She looked at you, then squinted a little.

“You okay?” She asked. “You seem… nervous.”

You nod your head, before breaking out into quiet, disbelieving laughter.

“I just… I’m happy you’re home again. I had like… butterflies whilst waiting for you. I have them now.” You admitted, blushing at the ever-so-slightly proud smirk on her face. “It doesn’t even make sense. We’ve been together for… feels like forever. We’ve been apart so many times, for longer than this one, but… I don’t know. I always miss you when you go. Never changes.”

To your surprise, she tilted her head and smiled, before saying, “Of course it makes sense. I always miss you too, so much. I was nervous on the ride here, and walking up to the door. It took me three attempts to get the key in the door.” 

You laughed at that, openly and freely, because you could, because the love of your life was home again, in front of you, indirectly admitting that she still loved you just as much as you loved her.

“I was too nervous to even hear that.” You said, heart clenching at the soft giggle that sounded through the room as a result. 

“I have something to tell you. Something to admit.” She stated, out of nowhere. 

“What is it? Did you leave your passport in the taxi?” That was met with a roll of her eyes and a click of her tongue.

“No, idiota. Come here and I tell you.” Her hand outstretched to take yours, tugging you closer. You stumbled a little, but she caught you, of course she did. Her arms wrapped around your waist, pulling you tight to her, her chin falling to your shoulder, mouth beside your ear. “You’re my best friend.”

You laughed, again, but there were shivers down your spine that told a different story.

“You always say that.” It was true, she did. At random points, like it was a detail of her life she didn’t want to forget, yet also couldn’t believe. 

“Because you are.” She grinned, gummy and full of heart. Then a yawn broke through her romantics, delirious and exhausted giggles spilling from the both of you. “That was a long two weeks.” 

“Without your best friend?” You teased, Alexia humming her amusement.

“Sí, exactly.” She went quiet for a moment, before speaking again. “You really are, you know? I don’t say it to be… funny. I really mean it.” 

Your heart warmed, your cheeks blushed. Again. For the thousandth time since she came home.

“I know.” You whispered, leaning back to leave a kiss to her lips. She held it longer than you planned to, reminding you of exactly what you’d missed. “It was a long two weeks. House isn’t the same without you.” 

Alexia smiled again, though it was slightly fuelled with guilt. Or maybe… regret. Like travelling for football wasn’t something she wanted to do for much longer. But her reply didn’t match the look on her face.

“I hope Anaís and Oriol find someone who loves them like this someday.”

It came out of nowhere, a quiet thing, said with ease like it wasn’t the most profound thing you had ever heard her say. You sat with it for a moment, taking it in, until you realised it had stirred something within you. Not dramatic, not loud, there was no fanfare. Just… a content revelation. 

You didn’t respond initially. You only looked at her, at her profile in the low light, the tiniest quirk of her lip that was always there when she spoke to you, the ease of which her hands rested against your waist. Like they belonged, which they did.

And you thought to yourself, because it was such a profound thing to say, and it wasn’t even really about you. It was about your children and the hope that one day they’ll be loved the way you’ve been loved. Not with grand gestures, but with consistency. A soft, everyday kind of devotion. There in her arms, this revelation of yours grew. It built a home for itself in the back of your mind that won’t move for the rest of your life.

If they find this kind of love, then they’ll be okay.

Even when things get hard for them, when the world demands things you can’t protect them from, when you’re not there to guide them through it. Someone will be. Someone who chooses them over and over, like Alexia does with you. 

You leaned back forward in her arms, inviting yourself into your embrace, which she immediately accepted as her arms tightened around you. There, something within you settled, something you couldn’t quite put a finger on. But something that felt like accomplishment as a parent. 

“You loving me like you do, it’s shown them what to look for. I can’t be so scared for their future when you’ve given them that gift, Ale.” 

That time, it was her turn to be left speechless. 

Her tired mind was too exhausted and sluggish to think of a reply worthy enough to express how much that meant to her. And if she dwelled on it for too long in such a vulnerable state, she might cry. She didn’t have the energy to cry.

“We haven’t done so bad, have we.” She mumbled against your shoulder, her body instinctively letting out a sigh of relief at the comment. Almost like it was confirmation to herself that she had done what she needed to do, both as a parent and a partner. That was all she wished for. Truly.

“I think we’ve done better than we give ourselves credit for.” You hummed, Alexia huffing a breath of laughter. She was minutes away from falling asleep in your arms. 

“We need to go to bed. We’re getting too soft. They will make fun of us if they catch us.” You giggled down her ear, and it echoed in her chest. Sparked the fire there that had dimmed whilst she was gone.

“Younger us would think we’re so lame.”

“Mm, no, not lame. I think they would be proud. We have come a long way.” 

“We have.” You agreed with ease, thinking back on the years that had passed in what felt like just a blink. “But one thing has stayed the same.”

Alexia hummed curiously, eyes most definitely closed as she held you in the middle of the kitchen of the house you’d bought together, the home you’d built.

“I love you.” 

A simple statement that hadn’t missed a day of your relationship. One thing that linked the both of you, all the way back to when you were two nervous, giddy, lovesick but too scared to say so, people that had no idea what the future held. 

Still, it seemed, you were nervous, giddy and lovesick, but now a little older and not afraid to say it. Certainly not afraid to share it with your children. So maybe, on paper things had changed, but in retrospect, a lot was the same. You had grown, individually, and come together to form something that’d last long after death do you part. Your children would carry it, their children would carry it, and so on. You stayed the same people, whilst creating something bigger than the both of you without letting it affect your relationship. That was something not many people could brag about. 

You were sure that, when you were both old, in your sixties, seventies, eighties, and beyond, should life let you, that you most definitely would brag about it. Hell, Alexia already bragged about it. You couldn’t blame her; the life you had made together was the greatest achievement you would ever do. Nothing could compare.

“And I love you.” 

Nothing could compare to that either.

—

i wish i could make this twice as long, that i could include the scenes i had to cut out, and just never end this story but the woso tumblr audience nowadays unfortunately does not Iike such a thing and it would most likely get v boring (as if it isn't too long and boring already lol) there's writers out there that could convey the summary of the final scene in a third of the word count in a single scene, so yes it is unnecessarily long but🤷🏼‍♀️ it was a nice distraction writing it and i'm sad it's come to an end lol. if you got this far, thanks for sticking with it and i hope it was enjoyable <3

[thesezodiacs]

Your Rising Sign and how others perceive you ⋆·˚ ༘ *

The Rising Sign is very important in a chart, it defines your identity (the 1st house) and your shell. It shows how you react in new situations. I like to call it the “social mask” of a person because, let’s be honest, we all have one. We don’t just reveal our true selves immediately—okay, maybe some of us do, but I believe there’s an explanation for that in the chart as well.

Anyway, the Rising Sign represents how we present ourselves, how we approach new situations, how we are perceived, and how we act. Let’s dive in.

✧ Aries Rising

Others see them as someone who takes charge and isn’t afraid of new things. They’re likely the ones who share their opinions right away. They come across as energetic and, at times, a bit forceful. This Rising Sign often has quick, dynamic body language or gives the impression of always being on the move.

They are perceived as confident and direct, often making a strong first impression. Their energ unfiltered, giving them a sense of urgency and drive that others immediately notice. Aries Rising individuals come across as leaders, pioneers, and initiators, ready to take on anything. I must say that this Rising Sign is very rare!

✧ Taurus Rising

These people appear collected and grounded, radiating stability and reliability, which makes them easy to trust! They might come across as reserved or shy, not because they are, but because they prefer to observe before engaging.

Taurus Rising individuals open up slowly, but once they do, they are loyal and consistent. They move through life at a deliberate, steady pace, exuding poise, patience, and quiet confidence. Others see them as graceful and unshaken.

✧ Gemini Rising

These are the one‘s who are really interested in others and likes to show them that. These people come across as quick-witted, curious, and expressive, always picking up on everything around them. Their energy is restless and unpredictable, making them engaging but sometimes hard to pin down.

Gemini Rising individuals are seen as charming, adaptable, and full of ideas, effortlessly making connections. They bring a sense of lightness and spontaneity, but their attention can shift just as fast.

✧ Cancer Rising

These people come across as gentle, intuitive, and emotionally attuned, often making others feel safe and understood. Their energy is soft yet protective, and they have a natural way of reading the room before fully engaging.

Cancer Rising individuals are perceived as nurturing, sensitive, and deeply in tune with their surroundings. They may initially appear reserved or cautious, but once they feel comfortable, their warmth and care shine through. Others often see them as empathetic, nostalgic, and deeply connected to their emotions, with an aura that feels familiar and comforting, like home.

✧ Leo Rising

These people come across as self-assured, engaging, and full of vitality, there’s something about them that naturally draws attention. Their energy is dynamic and expressive, making them seem effortlessly at ease in social settings.

Leo Rising individuals are perceived as bold, captivating, and impossible to overlook. They carry themselves with a natural sense of authority, often leaving a strong impression without even trying. Their presence feels bright, animated, and full of enthusiasm, making them seem larger than life. Others may see them as playful, charming, and sometimes a bit theatrical, but always memorable.

✧ Virgo Rising

These people come across as composed, observant, and precise, often giving off an air of quiet intelligence. They tend to be attentive to details and have a naturally polished or put-together appearance, even if they don’t try too hard. Their energy is subtle yet sharp, making them easy to underestimate, but they notice everything.

Virgo Rising individuals are perceived as reliable, thoughtful, and pragmatic, with a way of carrying themselves that feels grounded and deliberate. They often appear reserved or analytical, as if they’re constantly assessing their surroundings. Others may see them as modest, efficient, and highly self-aware, with an understated confidence that speaks through their actions rather than words.

✧ Libra Rising

These people come across as graceful, approachable, and socially attuned, often making a strong first impression without seeming like they’re trying. Their energy is charming and balanced, with a natural ability to blend in while still standing out.

Libra Rising individuals are perceived as polite, diplomatic, and aesthetically conscious, always aware of how they present themselves. They have a way of making others feel at ease, often adapting to the energy of a room effortlessly. Others may see them as pleasant, refined, and effortlessly likable, with a knack for creating harmony wherever they go.

✧ Scorpio Rising

These people come across as intense, private, and deeply self-contained, giving off a vibe that’s hard to ignore. There’s something about them that feels magnetic yet unreachable, as if they keep part of themselves hidden at all times. Their energy is strong, focused, and impossible to read, which naturally makes others curious.

Scorpio Rising individuals are perceived as guarded, perceptive, and hard to fool. They don’t reveal much right away, but they pick up on everything. Their presence feels charged, like they see straight through the surface, making some people intrigued and others uneasy. Others may see them as serious, intense, or even intimidating, but those who get past their walls recognize their deep loyalty and emotional depth.

✧ Sagittarius Rising

These people come across as open, lively, and always up for something new. There’s a sense of freedom and excitement in the way they move, talk, and interact with the world. They often seem like they’re going somewhere, physically or mentally, always chasing the next idea, adventure, or experience.

Sagittarius Rising individuals are perceived as easygoing, optimistic, and naturally funny, with a way of making people feel like anything is possible. They don’t take themselves too seriously and bring a light, spontaneous energy into any room. Others may see them as restless, outspoken, or a little unpredictable, but there’s something refreshing about their ability to live in the moment and see the bigger picture.

✧ Capricorn Rising

These people come across as composed, self-assured, and somewhat serious, often giving the impression that they have everything under Kontrolle. There’s a natural authority in the way they carry themselves, making them seem mature and capable, no matter their actual age.

Capricorn Rising individuals are perceived as responsible, determined, and reserved, with a focus on efficiency and long-term goals. They don’t waste energy on unnecessary things and often seem like they’re always working toward something bigger. Others may see them as disciplined, grounded, or even a bit distant at first, but over time, their dry humor, loyalty, and quiet ambition become impossible to miss.

✧ Aquarius Rising

These people come across as independent, unconventional, and a little unpredictable—there’s something about them that feels different but intriguing. They often have a unique style, way of thinking, or presence that makes them stand out, even when they’re not trying.

Aquarius Rising individuals are perceived as open minded, intelligent, and effortlessly cool, with a natural ability to see things from a broader perspective. They can be friendly yet detached, making them easy to talk to but hard to truly know. Others may see them as quirky, forward-thinking, or a bit rebellious, but one thing’s for sure, they’re never boring.

✧ Pisces Rising

These people come across as dreamy, gentle, and hard to pin down, as if they exist in their own world. Their energy is soft, fluid, and intuitive, making them naturally easy to be around, but also a little elusive. They have a way of blending into different environments, often reflecting the energy around them rather than asserting themselves too strongly.

Pisces Rising individuals are perceived as empathetic, artistic, and deeply in tune with emotions, sometimes giving off an almost otherworldly or mystical vibe. They can seem a bit lost in thought, unpredictable, or difficult to read, but there’s something about them that feels familiar and comforting. Others may see them as imaginative, kind-hearted, and slightly detached from reality, yet full of depth if you take the time to truly see them.

[yes-no-maybe-soo]

I miss main story Sylus so much (;_;)

Don't get me wrong I adore memory Sylus. Soft!Sylus is everything to me. But I have to admit that I really want to see more of the other equally valid and real side of him as well. That being the rough, morally grey crimelord we see during Long Awaited Revelry and in his Anecdote. Apart from Sylus on the job being hot as hell, there is so much about him and his motivations that we don't know yet and that I'm dying to find out.

I will also freely admit that a huge part of the reason for why I fell for Sylus and why he still has me in a chokehold is his complexity, his duality. I like that he is neither devil nor saint. Neither black nor white. Neither red flag nor forest full of green. He is so much more multifaceted and layered. He has real tangible flaws, and is certainly not a harmless cinnamon roll. He is a loverboy, yes, but equally a dangerous criminal whose hands have and will continue to kill others. And this duality is what makes him a great character in my eyes.

Hell, as much as it hurts me to witness, I like that he monumentally fucked up his initial meeting with present MC. And the narrative is very clear on this — his actions towards MC were wrong. He was forceful. He was cruel. Let's not sugarcoat this. Sure, us players know why he went about doing it the way he did and we feel bad for him as a consequence, but that doesn't make what he did in any way right or justifiable. MC was right to feel fear and disgust, and she would've been fully justified in never forgiving him imo. And honestly, I think Sylus would agree. He realizes just how badly he screwed things up, even if it took the harsh but true wake-up call from the shopkeeper to bring him to this realization. And it's a hugely important moment, both for him as a character and for his relationship with MC. Afterwards, he puts in the conscious effort to do better. To be better for her. To make things right. To me, this decision and commitment of his wouldn't have hit nearly as hard or been as meaningful if his prior actions hadn't been what they were. They proved that he is capable of real self reflection and growth. It's a massively important moment in their relationship.

The rocky start to their relationship also makes cards like Razor's Dance so impactful. Same with Goodcat Code and some phone calls and interactions where Sylus' fears and insecurities regarding MC's feelings toward him shine through. With the context of his behavior in LAR, it's completely understandable for him to have these fears. He knows he fucked up. Had he been a cinnamon roll made up of purely green flags, neither his feelings nor MC's would have made sense. Nor would MC's eventual forgiveness, and ability to once more see in him what others cannot, be near as powerful.

I don't know, am I making any sense with this or am I just rambling lol 😅

My point is that I love and appreciate all sides of Sylus. Both good and bad. It's what makes him him. And I would no more want to trade or give up main story Sylus than I would memory Sylus. I want big bad ruthless boss of Onychinus just as much as I want soft loverboy Sylus. They are equally important to Sylus' character. He wouldn't be himself without either. It's a package deal.

Perfect/flawless characters bore me. If Sylus were simply soft and green through and through, I would've lost interest. Honestly, I most likely wouldn't have downloaded the game to begin with. It was the danger mixed in with the comfort that drew me in.

It's like a friend and I have discussed many times — the fact that the hands that have wrought violence and death upon countless people are the very same ones that touch his beloved with such reverence and tenderness, is incredibly hot. Duality ftw.

So needless to say I am waiting with baited breath for the day when we will finally see main story Sylus again. Or for that matter, just a memory of Sylus in boss of Onychinus mode.

🐉❤️ 🐦‍⬛

[maidragoste]

i am making you feel sick?

Jacaerys Velaryon x Aegon’s Widow!Reader

part 2

warnings: this is pure angst, no happy ending, incest (aunt and nephew), mention of infant death and non-consensual voyeurism.

It's been a while since I posted anything, so if you like it, please don't hesitate to like, comment and reblog because that motivates me to keep writing 💖💖

If you have any ideas, questions or headcanons you want to share, my inbox is always open 🤗💖

Disclaimer: English is not my first language so I apologize for any mistakes.

I hope you have a good reading!

Shame.

Guilt.

Sick.

That's what Jacaerys feels every time he sees you and Jaehaera.

He wasn't the one who hired Blood and Cheese to kill Jaehaerys nor was he the one who butchered Maelor. However, he still feels sick when most of the time your eyes look empty and emotionless, or the nights that Jaehaera wakes up screaming because she dreams of her twin's head rolling on the floor again.

Jacaerys wasn't the one who murdered your children but he still wasn't a good man. If he was a good man then he would have let you leave this castle full of bloody memories and be free with your daughter. But the council said he needed you to strengthen his claim on the throne as well as to prevent the greens from rising against him. So he married you.

On your wedding day, Jacaerys finally saw, after days, an emotion in you: anger. You were dressed in black, and when you had to hold hands you dug your nails into him and recited your vows as if they were an insult. But he was not angry or offended. He felt that he deserved it for having put you in this position.

The night didn't get better when it came time to share a bed. If it had been up to Jacaerys, it would never have touched you, but Corlys Velaryon knew him well, so part of the council was present to witness the marriage being consummated. It did not matter that Jacaerys protected your body with his and the sheets or how much he tried to make it easy and pleasurable for you. It was humiliating and it was horrible, as soon as the council left the chambers Jacaerys joined in your silent crying.

When Jacaerys thought his guilt couldn’t get any worse, you got pregnant. The entire council was happy because the king would finally have an heir, but he felt sick seeing how miserable you looked. At least, before you would leave your chambers and occasionally he could see you smile—never at him, of course, always at Jaehaera—now you spent all your time in bed as if you had no energy for anything else. Sometimes Jacaerys would come to feed you and read you some book he remembered you liked in your youth. Your ladies took care of cleaning you and feeding you, on the days the king couldn’t come to eat with you because he had a meeting or was busy.

Jaehaera's cries got worse because you weren't comforting her anymore, you weren't talking to her anymore. And more than once Jacaerys thought about ending it all, giving you the moon tea himself so that your body would rid itself of the creature that caused so much misery. He preferred things to be the way they were before even though you barely tolerated it.

But the kingdom and the throne were more important, he needed an heir. If Aegon's prophecy was true then from his blood would come the prince that was promised.

Jaehaerys prayed that you would have a child so he would never have to touch you again and make you suffer again. If the council asked for a replacement he would say it would be Aegon, his brother. He couldn't bear to see you pregnant again, he didn't want to see you so isolated from the world ever again, he didn't want the only thing you did was cry, that the only thing you seemed to feel was pain and sadness. He hoped that once you gave birth and were free of the creature, things would get better.

But he had to have been more specific in his prayers, he had to have asked the gods that the child would look like him because when he held his son in his arms for the first time all he saw was Jaehaerys.

Taglist for all my House of the Dragon works

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@buckylahey @wa801 @artistadistrada2002 @thelastemzy @justanotherkpopstanlol @jacesvelaryons @aemondwhoresworld @cassiopeiablog @multiversemayhemme @dixie_elocin

hotd masterlist

[pureastrologywisdom]

𝔖𝔬𝔪𝔢 𝔖𝔢𝔡𝔲𝔠𝔱𝔦𝔳𝔢 𝔓𝔩𝔞𝔠𝔢𝔪𝔢𝔫𝔱𝔰

Lilith aspecting Moon

This is a very powerful placement for women specifically. The moon, which is your emotions, connected to the unconscious self, habits, comfort and femininity is connected to the point in your chart that is powerful and dark, a part fuelled by pain, and all about transmutation. These woman often have a very intriguing essence about them. Strong and seductive. It's like you are playing with fire. She enjoys being a little off putting and knows exactly how to be enticing yet intimidating all in one.

Neptune/Venus/Pluto in the 3rd House

The third house is often overlooked when people are speaking on seduction and sex appeal in astrology. People are so focused on visual they miss a key point. Seduction includes all the senses. Someone being beautiful doesn't necessarily mean they are seductive. It's the way someone moves, speaks, the things they say and don't say, how they hold themselves along with present themselves. It's subtle.

This brings me to why the third house comes into play. It inductees how we communicate. As mentioned words can be very seductive. Having planets like Neptune and Venus will give someone a sweet and sensual demeanour when talking. Neptune is very receptive and often these people are incredible at being able to asses the needs of the person they are taking to, it's a very intuitive placement. Neptune is also all about fantasy. Playing into a role you project onto them.

Pluto in the third's seductive tactics are centred around power snd control. Manipulation if you will - not always in the worst sense. They are good at digging for information getting to the base of the persons psyche that they are speaking to. Once again it's about understanding the people around them. You can see how Neptune and Pluto have this in common but the way they use this is different.

Scorpio Rising

I feel like you guys know this one has to be mentioned. And I am sure I have written about this before. However I feel it's important to explain why this rising sign specifically holds such seductive energy. I often hear people talk about their eyes, which is very true. But it goes much deeper than just appearance. Scorpio naturally rules over the 8th house, a house that is very deep and dark. It's shrouded by mystery and taboo, along with being a sexually charged house. Now think about all of these themes being brought into the 1st house. Being at the forefront of someones being in not only the way they look, but they way they carry themselves and interact with the world around them. It's very provocative energy.

But there is more. Though people may assume that because of this scorpios may give off an overt sexual energy, its not quite as obvious one one may think. Whilst there is this air of sex appeal around them, this often doesn't come from being so open and bold about these things, but rather from holding a little something back. As we know scorpio is about the things below the surface, secrets, privacy. This creates a dynamic where people can sense this energy, however they must peel back the layers and investigate more to truly see what these people are like. This can create a push and pull, a little bit of an enigma. It piques the intrigue of people and encourages the chase.

Mercury quintile/Bi-quintile Mars, Pluto or Neptune & Lilith in some cases

Very similar to the previously mentioned third house, Mercury rules over communication, along wit the way we think and process things. Having a quintile or Bi-quintile aspecting mercury it shows us that someone has a particular skill around communication. I have already explained why having Pluto and Neptune connected to areas of your chart dealing with communication creates seduction.

I also included Mars, as Mars is a planet of strategy. Often working towards a goal these people like to win, and are very good at 'winning people over' in conversation. Mars is more of a dominant planet so domination is a tactic often used by these people. Sometimes being commanded is sexy. These people speak strongly which is sexy.

The reason why I put Lilith as a case by case aspect is because as we know, Lilith often states as a place of wounding in a natal chart. It's only after someone has healed those wounds and understood the source of power that that area of their chart is with Lilith sitting there that they can truly start to embody and experience this. Though I will say having Lilith in a quintile or Bi-quintile is often easier. When developed Lilith is a very untamed energy, a little wild and unpredictable. Two traits that are extremely enticing.

Thank you all for reading my loves,

Pureastrowisdom x

Also a quick notice - I have a TikTok account under the name of

.plutonian.priestess

I would love if you would go and follow me on there too where I can post more image based content and eventually go into video style content too.

I am thinking of putting a face to my name and my account as I want you guys to see the person behind my work

[thorough-witness-enjoyer]

One thing I adore about Destiny is that not only is it a game about love, it’s a game about love in its many forms and it’s not afraid to show how messy, yet rewarding, that can be (loose thoughts incoming).

Familial, platonic, agape, romantic, it’s all there and often the lines between them are blurred, creating such a strong feeling of tenderness that transcends and changes throughout the story.

There‘s love that persists for an eternity because the individuals are so long lived and love that persists for an eternity because it’s effects ripple through time, even long after the lovers have perished. Erianna and Wei Ning come to mind for it was Erianna‘s love that changed everything between humanity and the hive.

There‘s conventional romantic relationships like Saint and Osiris (though their passionate fight to be together goes beyond what can even be considered typical), then there are relationships that go beyond what’s customary that are just as intimate, like Drifter and Eris or Ikora and Chalco. So much value is placed on relationships that aren’t standard, allowing for a wide variety of lovers to be seen.

Whether it’s by birth or by choice, Destiny is all about the heart tearing obstacles that comes with loving family. From the Osmiums to the Sovs to the worm gods to even the light and dark metaphorically, Destiny is filled to the brim with characters struggling to love their family through the damage inflicted upon them and their differences. They endure so much pain and work through so much interpersonal and intrapersonal conflict just for the chance to love and be loved, showing that their connections are something worth bleeding over to them.

There is also such a prominent theme of an agape (which is usually used in the Christian setting to describe the love of a god for its creations, but I think the definition of it being an unconditional, selfless love that applies to every being fits Destiny much more) love with the Traveler and it’s reasoning for why it acts the way it does. Its desire to uplift, its attachment and sympathy for the Witness and it’s people, the way it describes the sheer honor it feels to even be present for the existence of life, its endless hope, its sacrifices, its desire for people to do right by others, its respect for autonomy and free will, it‘s all just so moving and heartfelt. It’s loves existence so dearly, in the best way it can, and suffering so immensely for that love altered the course of the universe forever.

Destiny is also not afraid to show attempts at love that have gone awry. Maya and Chioma, the Precursors‘ reasoning behind creating the Witness, Calus‘ constant pursuit of admiration, Eramis and House of Salvation, everything Xivu Arath has going on in Heresy, and much more, all prove that even when executed wrong, even when harmful and/or ignorant, believing that they are being „loving“ and the desire to be loved is still a large motivator for many actions in the game.

Finding purpose in commitments to others is a core part of these characters and the pain they cause forces the audience to consider important questions like „what is true love?“, „how can we love better?“, „when does the desire to be loved become unhealthy?“ These questions force the audience to ask WHY love is so important to Destiny‘s plot and makes them evaluate how they bring Destiny‘s messages into how they love in their own lives.

Self love is important to Destiny as well with so many plot lines involving healing, recovery, and dealing with the past. There are characters in this game that transform with time and grow into people they didn’t even think they could become, inspiring audiences to love themselves and embrace growth that’ll nurture them. Most Destiny fans I know can certainly name a moment or character that helped them overcome a struggle that kept their spirit barren and I know I can describe how self love in Destiny stirred a similar love within myself.

There is countless examples of love between friends, love between strangers, love between old enemies; love is so abundant everywhere you look in Destiny, even amongst all the devastation, that to remove it would rob Destiny of its very identity.

Destiny is about love. It’s about loving incorrectly, loving against all odds, loving to heal, loving to protect, loving spouses, loving your people, loving yourself enough to change, loving the universe, loving existence, loving enough to sacrifice for it, loving irrationally, loving enough to correct the way you love.

Destiny is about how proper love will change everything, you must simply encourage it to grow.

[merakiui]

123: breathe; an interlude of peace.

yandere!azul ashengrotto x (female) reader cw: subtle yandere, nsfw, unhealthy behaviors/relationship, codependency, captivity/stockholm syndrome (for azul), delusion, obsession note - for your eighteenth birthday, you ask something grand of azul. if there's one thing that's ever been clear to him, it's that he could never say no to you. // connected to this story.

Deep into the night, Azul wakes to a whisper. It crawls through the room, not loud enough to reverberate in echo, but stressed just so that it disturbs the tranquility of the room. It reaches in muffled waves of sound, tickling his ears beneath the saltwater depths of his pool.

“Azul, can you hear me?” A pause that lasts ten seconds, followed by a hiss of sound. “Azuuul!”

He blinks through the darkness, pale eyes adjusting relatively quickly, and begins his slow, sleep-addled ascent. Bogged down by the weight of the world and his ruined slumber, he surfaces up to his chin. You’re kneeling at the poolside, fingers curled around the tiled edge. 

“(Name)?” He squints and slowly you morph into a clearer shape. “It’s still late. Why are you up before the sun?”

“Don’t tell me you forgot.” You pout at him, and all three of his hearts twist into one. “I was so excited I couldn’t possibly get back to sleep. I had to come see you as soon as it turned midnight.”

Immediately he knows what this is about. Shelving his sleepiness, he’s just awake enough to find his wit. A smirk sits lopsided on his face.

“Oh, that’s right. There was something important about today.” A tentacle slithers up from out of the gloom to tap thoughtfully at his chin. “Hmm. A shame it evades me. It must not have been very important after all.” He lifts his shoulders in a nonchalant shrug.

“Do you really not remember, or are you just trying to be funny?” you snap, adorable pout now sharpening into a scowl.

He cuts through the water to meet you at the edge. You look like you’re ready to bite his head clean off, and maybe that would deter him—give him adequate reason to tuck himself away in hiding—but you’re human, harmless, and therefore he’s unable to keep away. Like the very tides influenced by the moon, he’s drawn to you. An undulation of come and go, rocking to and fro.

He thinks he knew that feeling once, in a distant life. But that’s long gone and now there’s only the present. Only you, peering back at him with glossy eyes. 

It softens the mean streak sizzling beneath his skin, and he halts his lighthearted cruelty. 

“Of course I didn’t forget,” he whispers, reaching to touch you and then catching himself in hesitation.

In a way, your top half isn’t so different from his. You have a face, a mouth, ears, eyes. You have a neck and a torso. Arms and hands. It’s what lies lower that’s different. That pretty pair of legs and feet. So strange. So anti-aquatic. There’s more to your anatomy than he thought, and if the textbook you left behind in your rush is anything to go by it’s a beautiful mystery.

“Happy birthday,” he says instead, lowering his hand. He rests his arms on the edge and smiles up at you, earnest.

Relief seems to flood into your system then, for your entire body droops. He can almost smell it on you. “You really did remember.”

“I’d never forget your birthday.”

And he means it. The date is engraved in his head. Every year is even more extravagant than the last. Only the best for a princess. He thought the entire ordeal was troublesome at first, but he’s come to appreciate the way you light up when your servants fawn over you. Spoiled, he thinks, but he finally understands. Who wouldn’t want to spoil a princess like you? If your bright smile is what I’ll receive in return, it makes me want to gift you all the treasure in the Coral Sea. 

You’re worth spoiling, which is why it doesn’t bother him when you ask, “Did my favorite friend get me anything special for this once-in-a-year day?”

I’m your only friend, he wants to say, but he’s not so sure that’s true. He’ll never know what exists outside of this pool, just beyond these walls and their stained glass. You could have two friends or an entire kingdom’s worth at your fingertips. It’s impossible to approximate just how many souls you call companions.

For tonight, I’m your everything.

“Are my well wishes not special enough?” he teases because he can’t help it. “And I thought they were perfectly suited for this occasion. Very few receive such grand gestures from me, you ought to know.”

You roll your eyes towards the dome skylight built into the vaulted ceiling. “How generous.”

“And aren’t you avaricious?”

“Only on my birthday.”

He chuckles. And every other day.

“Then I have no choice but to celebrate my greedy princess accordingly.” Aiming to mimic the suave and charming princes he’s read about in storybooks, Azul rests his cheek against his palm and gazes at you through his lashes. Maybe it looks wrong from your angle. Maybe he’s more predator than prince. A siren luring you to your doom with the lull of his voice. “For your birthday, I shall grant one wish of yours. Whatever it is you desire.”

“Really? You can do that?”

“For you, I’d do anything.”

You sit back on your haunches, suddenly pensive. “Hmm. You’re giving me a lot of freedom. Whatever will I ask for?”

He hums, content to watch you mull over his tempting offer and the unspoken confession seamlessly sewn into its folds.

Decisive, you slam your fist into your palm, mind seemingly made up. “I know.”

“That was fast.”

“I know what I want.”

“Do you?”

You lean down to look into his eyes. It takes all of his restraint to remain there, meeting your determined gaze, instead of flinching back like his prey instincts tell him.

“For my eighteenth birthday, I’d like to have sex.”

He stares at you. A speechless second stretches into a minute and then more, all of them interrupted by the soft shush-shushing of the pool fountains.

“Sex,” he repeats, tasting the word.

That’s…copulation. Mating. He hopes the room and its shadows are murky enough to veil the blue darkening on his cheeks. Very intimate business.

“You can do that for me, can’t you?”

His eyes drag over your face, down the column of your neck, and he realizes you’re in your nightgown. It’s borderline sheer, just erotic enough in its bodily cajoling. He suspects the article would come apart in pieces if it was thoroughly soaked through with saltwater, and then it’d be useless. Then he’d see all of you as the damp fabric clings to your body. He swallows thickly at the thought, dizzy from the filthy vision. 

“I…can. May I ask why you want that and not…” he trails off, unable to find a better phrase to replace the quiet space. 

“I trust you, Azul, which is why I want you to be my first.”

Trust is such a powerful, baffling thing. He’s not sure if he’s deserving of it.

Though he dislikes the concept, he feels almost lucky to be able to call himself your friend and closest confidant. No one else will ever know the joy and power of being your first. That will belong to him. Only him.

It thrills him all the way to his gills. He sinks beneath the water to wet them, to give himself the space to breathe. A vaguely human concept, he’s always thought, for he doesn’t need to worry about coming up for air when the water is his home. He doesn’t need to struggle for breath when it comes so naturally down here.

When he returns, you’re still waiting. “It’s okay if you’d rather not. I understand it’s a big ask… You might not even know—”

“I do,” he blurts. “Know, I mean. I have prior knowledge after having read a few things. Enough to be prepared.”

He’s inclined to brag about it—about how obviously smarter he is, always the clever one—but sex is uncharted territory for him. Blue hues rake over your body like waves lapping the shore. He can do this. He wants to do this. Prove to you that he can please you in every conceivable manner, far more than any lion prince ever could.

Azul isn’t royalty. He’s just the hopeless octopus your kingdom fished from the sea, but tonight he can pretend. Tonight, he can try a luxurious palate. An appetite for royalty. 

You nod along with what he’s saying. Azul starts to wonder if you left that anatomy textbook near the pool solely for this moment. Was that your sly way of sending a sign? An invitation? Were you hoping to entice him back then?

It worked.

“Are you certain?” he asks because he needs to extinguish the seed of doubt before it takes root. “I don’t want to hurt you…”

“You’d never.”

“I… I’m not human. I don’t have the same sexual organs a human male has. Or, rather, it’s different. There’s also the issue of size and strength.”

His biggest fear, he realizes, is that you might pull away the minute a tentacle drapes over your body. Not that you’ve ever done so before when he grasps your hand or wrist, your legs captured in an obsidian coil. But the circumstances are different now, charged with an underlying sensuality. He doesn’t want to ruin this one good thing with his body and the language it so subtly speaks. A want like no other.

You giggle, and immediately he feels silly for overthinking it. “You don’t need to be human. I like you as you are.” 

To soothe him or maybe patch up his wounded spirit, he’s not sure which, you shuffle forward and dip your feet into the water. A shiver races up your spine. He tracks the movement with rapacious intent.

Slowly, a tentacle curls around your ankle. It crawls up the length of your leg like a creeping strand of ivy. He wants to warm you. He wants to pull you into the water and sequester you in a comfortable corner—in a makeshift grotto, where darkness blankets all—and spoil you until the world ends. But your lung capacity is laughable compared to those who dwell in the ocean. You couldn’t survive. You’re forever trapped on your feet, attainable only when land and sea meet like this. It’s dreadful and unfair.

He hates it.

You’re watching him with bated breath. Azul doesn’t know if he should fill the silence with his voice or if he should continue the climb up your leg. You taste faintly of soap and lotion, of imported oils—an assortment of flowery flavors that brings forth the image of you sitting in a deep bath, legs outstretched as deft hands work the cosmetics into your soft skin.

A second tentacle wraps around your other leg. He slides them apart easily. With one arm propped behind you, keeping you upright, your free hand reaches for the hem of the gown. He reacts without a second thought, seizing your hand tightly.

Startled, you look at him. Questions lift your brows.

“To hold onto,” he babbles quickly. “Should you wish for me to stop, you need only give it a firm squeeze.”

Your thumb rolls over the smooth surface of his tentacle. A smile flickers on your lips. “Okay. Thank you.”

“Allow me to do everything tonight. Consider it an extension of my gift to you.”

“Ooh, how kind.”

A few appendages latch onto the side of the pool, and he anchors himself there so that he can focus entirely on you and not the rings of water undulating with his every movement. 

“Aren’t I just?”

“Don’t get too cheeky.” You tap his tentacle in playful scolding. It responds by nuzzling into your warm palm. 

“I can’t help it. I have the honor of being the princess’s first. Isn’t that dangerous for the ego?”

You roll your eyes, but he feels the way your body warms beneath his touch. He studies the rise and fall of your chest, the slight part of plump lips, the wild ba-thump of a heartbeat.

You’re beautiful…and all mine.

He holds your thighs apart. Your gown is hiked up to your stomach, revealing a pair of pure-white panties. The tip of a tentacle curls around the waistband. 

“May I?” he asks, glancing your way.

“Go ahead.”

He drags the garment down and there it is—your private place. The textbook called it a vagina and the diagrams were visually stunning, if not a veritable pit of information he hadn’t encountered before, but none of that can compare to the sight before him. Yours is markedly different from the diagram, uniquely shaped, more tempting than any sweet he’s ever been shown in the land cookbooks. He labels its parts as he sees them—the labia minora, the labia majora, the mons pubis, the clitoris. It’s that last one—the little nub he mistakes for a pearl—that catches his attention. The book said it was the most sensitive reproductive organ.

To test the validity of that, he prods it with the tip of his tentacle and lifts a hood he hadn’t realized was there. Your reaction is instantaneous: shoulders tensing and then relaxing, back arching, limbs melting. You hiss air in through your teeth and lower yourself to the tiled floor with a shivery breath.

Fascinating, he thinks, taking all of this in like it’s a painting he’s meant to ponder. Such a small thing and yet it brought you to pleasurable ruin in a snap.

The sucker-lined side of his tentacle attaches itself between your legs. As soon as it laves over your pretty place, a rush of foreign tastes invades his senses. Slightly acidic with a subtle hint of sweetness, finished off with metallic notes. He thinks of blood. The book said you bleed from this space every month. Is that what he’s tasting? The beginnings of blood?

It’s heady. He wants more.

He peels the tentacle back to check and, coming away with gossamer strands of your arousal, exhales softly in amazement. The suckers grasp and cling, gathering the exact taste of you in hypersensitive precision. You’re hugging the tentacle twined around your arm, bringing it against your chest. It slides beneath your gown to rest comfortably between the valley of your breasts, splayed right over your heart.

“Oh!” You startle against the underside of the tentacle, a keening cry ripped from your throat when one sucker affixes itself to your clit. It nurses on the bud and prompts another delightful whine from your trembling lips. “Oh, Azul…”

He never realized just how delicious his name could sound coming from your pretty, perfect lips, spoken in a single breath, a shivery gasp… It’s hypnotic, the hold your every reaction has on him.

Toes curling, you scrabble to hold something. Another tentacle slides beneath your back to support you, and it raises you ever so slightly off the cold, uncomfortable floor.

I wish I could gather you in my arms. 

“Are you all right?”

“M-Mhm. I’m fi—ooh!”

You curl in on yourself, limp like a wilted flower, and an unexpected tremor shakes through you abruptly. Sweetness soaks his suckers and the delectable nectar nearly blanks his brain and reduces him to a delirious octopus led by basic instinct. He has to fight through the hazy cloud of carnal energy telling him to breed, breed, breed and exercise a smidge of restraint. If he doesn’t, he’ll have you plastered to the tiles in seconds, legs forced apart and hectocotylus driving home.

Gentle, he reminds himself. A princess like yourself deserves only the finest birthday treatment. 

He zeroes in on the part of your lips with each pant, revealing the tiniest sliver of tongue.

“Is this how your kind does it?” you ask in between gasps.

Your kind. You don’t say it in a disparaging tone, unlike some of the whispers passed around by the servants. You treat Azul with immense care and respect. After all, it was you who lobbied your father for this pool and all of the wonders within it. Azul doesn’t need the other servants, nor does he care much for what they think or feel. He only needs you.

Sometimes he wishes he could trade places with one of the humans in this palace. Then he’d have two legs of his own, and he’d be able to travel up and down the halls, explore the many rooms beyond this one, and walk a path that leads to you.

If he could be human for just one day…

Or maybe it would be better if you could join him under the sea. He imagines you with fins of your own and sighs. Both are outlandish thoughts. The only reason he’s allowed to have them is because he doesn’t have anything else.

You’re all he’s ever needed, though, so perhaps it doesn’t matter as much anymore.

“Would you like to find out?” he asks, a devious smile sharpening on his lips.

“How could I possibly refuse?” you retort, a challenge laced through the words. “Didn’t you say you’d be the one doing all the work?” 

“Of course. That’s a guarantee.” His eyes flick up to meet yours. He holds your stare long enough for a spark to smolder. “Don’t be nervous.”

“I’m not.”

He clicks his tongue in disagreement. “You’re tense, Princess. I can feel it—taste it on you.” A tentacle coaxes you to sprawl against the few propped beneath you. “Relax. I’m here with you.”

“You can…taste that?”

“I can taste all of you.” A wicked grin sprawls lazily on his lips. “No matter how much you hide, you’re an open book beneath my suckers.”

“So that’s how you do it… Impressive.”

To further demonstrate—more realistically, pull another heaping of praise from your throat—he curls a tentacle around your forearm to pull it from your side. Sensing his intent, you raise your arm just enough so that the tentacle can travel higher towards your armpit. And then those suckers are sticking and sampling the sweat from the area. A gasp ricochets through you, leaving your body trembling once again. 

“F-Feels weird,” you whine, eyes squeezing shut. “Tickles…”

“Salty,” he concludes, detaching the appendage. It moves with a mind of its own, coiling possessively around your breast spilling out from disheveled lingerie. A sucker is poised at your perky nipple.

You grip the one twined around your palm, an anchoring lifeline. “I can’t imagine that’s any good.”

“On the contrary, these tastes are all very refreshing.” And then he flicks a slick tentacle at you, misting you with pool water in the process. “And why wouldn’t it be good? It’s just you.”

“Easy for you to say. This is probably new and exciting for you. If it were anyone else…” Your gaze strays elsewhere for a second, pinned on the stained glass just behind him, before weaving back to him. “You sure know how to make a girl feel treasured, icky fluids and all.”

“There’s nothing ‘icky’ about you! Why, that’s just egregiously false. If other humans can’t see how precious you are—every lovely inch, from your head to your feet—then they are undeserving of calling themselves yours.”

A musical hum slips past your lips. “And you are?”

“Hm?”

“And you get to be called mine?”

Thoughtlessly sure of himself, he offers a sage nod in response. That quickly crumbles when he realizes just what it is he’s agreeing to, and he makes a show of clearing his throat even when you start to laugh.

“Y-Your friend,” he corrects, afraid of blurring the boundaries between friend and more. This—tentacles curled around you in all ways erotic—most certainly counts as more, though.

“I’m just teasing you.” And a tease you are when you stretch your legs out and rest them upon his shoulders. He’s trapped between them, brought face to face with your pussy. “Revenge for all those times before.”

It’s all playful, lighthearted. Maybe this is human courtship. Peeling the tentacle away to expose the slick fruit beneath, he thinks, if there ever was any courtship to be had between the both of you, you’ve definitely surpassed that point long ago.

“Is that right?” He matches your crooked smile with one of his own, a mischievous spark now kindled in his eyes. “Perhaps I should return the favor…”

“You wouldn’t deny the princess her pleasure, would you?”

He gasps, offended by the implication. “I would never. I’ve made a promise and I’m going to see it through. Whether you can walk after this is entirely up to your body.”

“Someone’s confident.”

And that’s new because even he doesn’t know where this bravado is coming from.

“I want you to feel good,” he admits in a quiet breath of honesty. “It would be poor manners to take back a birthday wish I said I’d grant. It’d break all three of my hearts to do that to you. Really, it would.”

And I want to be your first, but he doesn’t say it because what if you don’t reciprocate after this?

“Then…thank you, Azul.” You sit up and reach for him, and the next thing he feels is your palm against his cheek. Your thumb rolls over the bump of bone in appreciation. “For being so kind to me.”

He blinks at you. “Always.”

He’d do more than lavish you with endless kindness, but then he thinks that might already be apparent with how gently he’s handling you. His determination outweighs the tangled pile of nerves sitting heavy in his stomach. He’d push through layers of anxiety and self-doubt if it means you’ll smile, call him yours, admire him beneath your palm.

Anything for you.

Maybe it would be better to carve that phrase into his chest so you’ll know the power you have over him—so you’ll know of his loyalty and how it must surpass that of your fiancé’s. If he’s ever been loyal to you at all.

It’s the tip of his hectocotylus prodding at your folds that curbs his bitter mood before it can spiral into something truly hateful. Long ago, the squishy, vulnerable octopus who’d hide away in ceramic pots and ink whenever he was startled believed in storybook romance.

You watch him with bated breath. He wants to yank you towards him and press his mouth to yours and know the taste of you there—the feel of your lips on his, a hungry sort of desire matched between maws. But then he snaps back to himself and realizes you asked for sex, not marriage. 

It may as well be a marriage of your bodies, if anything. Perhaps it’s possible to wed your hearts and brains with carnal connection.

Maybe if he gives you a reason to stay by his side forever…

There are no fantasies of Happily Ever After for him. There’s just an ending in solitude. Which is better? A predetermined ending, in which sorrow is guaranteed, or one where it may be nonexistent so long as it’s one of his own design.

He knows which one he’d prefer. A dozen endings could stand between you and him, and he’d still reach out for what he’ll never have.

“It’s…big,” you whisper, and he can’t tell if the strain in your voice is from excitement or fear.

Azul recalls the pathetic images from the human anatomy textbook and pride zips through him. It disintegrates as soon as a shadow passes over your face. He can tell you’re working out whether or not it will fit.

“I’ll be gentle. I won’t hurt you,” he promises, a tentacle under your chin to bring your gleaming eyes to his. “And if it does hurt, say so.” The appendage wrapped around your hand tightens in reminder: Squeeze if necessary.

“Just…” Your pulse picks up beneath your skin. He can taste the thundering hum of it, feel it reverberate through each of his suckers. “G-Go slow. I’ve never… N-Never had anything like that inside me before…”

He tries his hardest to curb a pleased smile. Perhaps it brightens his eyes instead—the desire to possess all of your firsts just as you should have all of his. He’s already taken your first kiss.

What else can he treasure?

What else will he take?

“It’s all right. I’m here for you. I would never let you know pain.”

“H-Here—let me help.” Your free hand slides down to spread yourself open for him. A velvety invitation. 

He watches your throat bob with your swallow and realizes he, too, is just as clumsy in this intoxicating moment. Should he whisper comforting words? Should he hold and kiss you, pressing your bodies as close as they can possibly get? Should he coax you into the water? He considers each of these while two tentacles nurse idly on your breasts, suckers sticking to hardened nipples. A pleasured spasm rolls through you, accompanied with a sigh so dreamy it leaves him temporarily transfixed.

“On three, okay?”

“Mhm.”

You brace yourself, shoulders tensing. Two unoccupied tentacles immediately slide beneath your nightgown to rub the knots from your upper back. Within seconds you’re melting, all the tension drained from your body.

He eases the tip in, shallow and so careful. “One, two… And three,” he counts, watching your face shift in the shadows. “Just breathe, my dear. I’ve got you.”

And then he’s pressing in. It’s warmer than he was expecting and so wet. Immediately your gummy walls clamp down around him, and he can’t tell if it’s an attempt to keep him trapped there or if it’s supposed to tighten whenever anything’s put inside. The image of you playing with this pretty part all alone, fingers pushing deeper to reach some uncertain depth within, flashes into his mind.

“Feels—” you struggle around a gasp, your back arching up to meet the tentacle draping itself over your stomach— “A lot…”

Azul watches as your pussy stretches to accommodate this new, intrusive thickness. He presses down against the softness of your tummy, wondering if it’s possible to feel himself inside you. He’s almost woozy from the thought.

So this is what mating looks like for humans. It’s…softer than I imagined.

There is no looming threat or fear of a fight. No snapping jaws, starved and cruel. It’s almost impressive how quickly you wither against him, as if something inside you has been weakened the moment he joined your bodies like this. Maybe the anatomy textbook has information about that. He’d like to understand it better—this sudden submission.

“Does it hurt?”

You shake your head, only to throw it back when he pumps another inch in. “Oh! So mean… W-Warn me before you…”

The rest of that sentence never makes it out. Soon, he’s rocking his hectocotylus in and out. Lewd squelches permeate the air, joined by your own cries and his soft panting. Amidst it all, animalistic desire descends and he feels himself grinning wildly. This is it. Your first time. His first time. Shared together as nature intended. All his. Forever his.

You hug a tentacle close, peppering the tip in kisses. He falls all over again. You’re the only human he knows he could cherish him with so much sincerity and not flinch away in horror when wrapped up in the arms of a beast.

You’re the nicest human I’ve ever met.

The first tear tracks a quiet path down his cheek. Another soon follows, and then he can’t stop the rest.

You’re so kind to me. You’ve been nothing but ever since we met.

A pair of hands finds his face next.

“Azul… My sweet Azul, don’t cry,” you soothe. Your thumbs swipe his tears away, and still he chokes over it. The tenderness in your face twists into something frigid, and suddenly you’re frowning. “Really, stop blubbering like a baby. I should be the one crying, you know.”

A pang in his hearts. Something isn’t right.

This isn’t right.

You’re not right—not at all. You’re…malicious. A bully. Not the (Name) who cared for him so fondly, like the glorified pet he became because it made you happy. Because it made him happy once he accepted it.

“Monsters like you don’t deserve to cry.”

And then the illusion swirls into nothingness. Like rings of water spreading out from disturbance, it eventually settles.

Azul snaps awake in bed, drenched in an ocean of salt. It’s been some time in this new body, but he still can’t get used to the filthy phenomenon that is sweating. He feels like a sea sponge. Gross. Too much fluid.

His heart—an amalgamation of three smushed into one—thrums in erratic rhythm. He grabs at his shirt and finds it’s sticking to his body, pasted on by sweat. Sitting hunched in the dimness of early morning, he turns his shaking hands over and then peers past them at the pitiable tent in his trousers, poking up through the sheets.

“A…dream,” he whispers to himself, catching his breath. A strangled noise is squeezed out of him next. He needs to breathe. Calm down and breathe. 

One, two, three.

It was just a dream. 

Breathe.

He can breathe. He needs to. In and out. Take in oxygen. Humanly. So humanly.

He drags his hands through his tousled hair and then he falls back against the pillows. Muffled sounds of movement reach him from down the hall. An inn is exceptionally busy even before the sun has risen. His senses are compromised in this body, not so laser-sharp, laughably weak. Still, he can hear.

Peering up at the ceiling, he sucks down great gulps of oxygen. His chest rises and falls with the motion—the human action that is breathing.

Once you’re in my arms, he repeats to himself, I can breathe easily.

Once he has you all to himself, he can make his dreams reality.

[lu-is-not-ok]

Hong Lu is beginning to Crack

The most recent Intervallo, LCB Regular Check-up, gave a lot to chew on for a lot of us. From lore drops for the Sin Analysts of us, to an important moment for Don Quixote, to subtle hints of something brewing under the surface for Gregor.

There was, also, a lot of Hong Lu foreshadowing, even though he barely had over ten lines in the entire Intervallo. As much as I'd love to go off and overanalyze every single line he's had, I'd rather focus on one main point that this Intervallo cemented.

That being Hong Lu's repressed anger.

Of course, this means we have to talk about this moment here. Upon Hohenheim explaining how Peccatula Irae connect to the concept of Wrath, the following exchange takes place:

Now, before this explanation takes place, we have an extended moment where Hohenheim focuses on the Sinners' lack of agency in their situation. They're effectively prisoners, without any control over their situations, unable to say no or even act as individuals.

I'm pointing this out, because when Hong Lu interprets Wrath as rage and compares it to Sinclair's behavior, he specifically calls out a similar lack of control. Sinclair's Wrath presents itself through an extreme sort of anger that makes him completely lose any control over himself, a stark contrast to how controlled and downright repressed Hong Lu is in most of his behavior, as pointed out by Sinclair.

I want to linger a bit on the answer Hong Lu gives Sinclair here, because I feel there are layers to this line. What Hong Lu is saying here is that he very much has things to burn. There's enough fuel to sustain a fire were he to indulge in it. But he never actually sees a reason to start that fire, to let any spark start it. Because he believes it to be meaningless.

In less poetic words, I believe what Hong Lu is saying here is that he has plenty of reasons to be angry, and perhaps even straight up has a lot of anger that he's actively repressing. However, because he realized that acting out won't actually change anything, he no longer sees any reason to indulge in that anger. Whether the fire burns everything down or not, it won't change anything, so why even bother? Why lose control when it won't even do anything meaningful?

However.

If that's all I would have wanted to talk about, I wouldn't have made a wholeass post about it.

The actual reason I'm talking about this is because I believe we have already seen Hong Lu begin to snap at others. And not only that, but I believe we're already seeing a pattern as to what exactly causes Hong Lu to start to slip in his emotional repression.

What do I mean by Hong Lu snapping at others?

Well, generally Hong Lu is shown to be very good at directing conversations without being too disruptive. He waits his turn before shifting subjects to what he wants everyone to focus on, or at least doesn't directly interrupt anyone, waiting for a lull or an opportunity to jump in rather than asserting himself by directly stomping over someone else's words. Even when he redirects Meursault in Hell's Chicken, he doesn't directly interrupt him, instead waiting for a pause before making his move.

Or at least, that was how he always did it until recently.

See, starting with Canto 7, Hong Lu has begun to have moments where he goes against his usual pattern of behavior. He directly interrupted others.

Remember how the focus of what Hong Lu understands as Sinclair's rage is that he screamed so fiercely he lost control of his body? I believe Hong Lu's interruptions are of a similar nature. A similar loss of control due to his anger escaping through the cracks, causing him to be unable to wait his turn and to say his piece before the other person can finish.

I believe there are, as of now, two notable occurances of him snapping like that.

First is in Canto 7, when Gregor begins to muse over what would happen if Hong Lu were to witness the death of a dear family member.

Then there's the second one, that we only just recieved in the most recent Intervallo - Sinclair showing hesitation to kill Peccatula for the test, due to the fact these ones aren't actually posing danger to anyone, which causes Hong Lu to snap and interrupt him with a Very Loaded Question (one that I am extremely curious as to how it would be voiced btw).

We're already starting to see a pattern forming around what exactly makes Hong Lu actually begin to crack.

Both of these scenes notably include Hong Lu getting in some way emotional over death and its meaning.

With Gregor, it's the implied death of someone close to him, causing Hong Lu to snap back with a very straightforward answer as to what his reaction to such an event would be, denying that such a death would have any further effect on him.

With Sinclair, it's the implication that killing for the sake of survival is different to killing just because, causing Hong Lu to snap with a loaded question that carries the idea that he himself considers both kinds of death equally as devoid of meaning.

For a reason we don't know yet, the suggestion that death could be anything other than completely meaningless is enough for Hong Lu's repressed anger to start leaking through.

And, that made me think. Because of one voiceline.

There is, in fact, a single voiceline in Limbus Company, where Hong Lu's voice contains clear and unrestrained anger.

Cavernous Wailing corroded voiceline.

The visual design of which shows Hong Lu with mismatched limbs, only half of which are corroded; an empty eye socket on his shoulder, the eye from which being transplanted somewhere else; and a moving sprite that shows him covering his face with his hands.

And it made me think.

The death of a loved one, one which happened to save another life. One which Hong Lu considers to be so utterly meaningless that being reminded of it is the only thing able to cause him to lose control over his emotions and let his anger leak through.

There's certainly someone that Hong Lu continues to never mention, isn't there?

Anger that's as meaningless as their death, is it now?

Hong Lu. Just how much do you blame yourself for Daiyu's 'death'? And just how much anger do you hold over your family for allowing this to happen?

[tarotofhope]

PAC: ✿ Your couple archetype as Plant & Animal Spirit ✿

(Please Read My Pinned post *IMPORTANT NOTE* before selecting a Pile)

🌷 All dividers on this blog are provided by @uzmacchiato 🌷

NOTE: This reading is applicable for all kinds of romantic relationships, also whether you're asking for a current/future partner. You have to decide by yourself which one you are and which one is/could be your person. I'll just be mentioning Person A and Person B.

Masterlist | Paid Services

Pick an Image by meditating and selecting the image you feel called to. You can be attracted towards more than 1 image. If you are not able to select maybe this reading isn't for you.

Pile 1

Person A - Starfish and Eucalyptus

Welcome to your reading Pile 1.

This person is very tough, personally and spiritually. This person has heightened senses and they will use this quality for their personal growth and clarity. I can see major earth, fire and water sign traits. This person can empathize well with people and they are also known for regeneration and renewal just like the starfish because the starfish can regenerate its arms by itself. By this, I mean to say that they can survive a sudden downfall in life or can handle huge hardships much better than others and they've gone through many serious hardships as well. They might be very young and successful too because they are very ambitious and a go-getter. They know how to take as well as create opportunities. They have great entrepreneurship qualities, could be doing a family business or self employed. Their height could be average or short. They are very pure and sacred. Like the Eucalyptus tree, they are very abundant, protective and strong. I love how Eucalyptus and the Starfish qualities are going hand in hand.

Person B - Unicorn and Pomegranate

Unicorns represent other worldliness, tranquility, healing powers, purity, innocence and grace. This person is very unique, they do their own thing. They might be very spiritual and calm. They don't like conflicts. They could be into any healing professions such as Reiki, crystal healing, therapy, yoga, counselling, tarot, white magic, etc.. They are someone who use the above mentioned qualities to enlighten the masses. Something is very magical, different and rare about them, either the way they look or present themselves or their approach to life. This person is very complex and full of surprises, could be witty and funny as well. This person has heavy water and air sign traits. This personal could change their hair color very much, or they change their overall style of looks and fashion every now and then. They could have average to tall height. They look very beautiful, graceful and enchanting. They could also have very beautiful hair. They look dreamy and could have very beautiful eyes. The pomegranate represents fertility, life, regeneration and marriage. This person is very passionate, fertile as well as very spiritually abundant, they could also be religious.

Connection of Person A & B

They both value spirituality equally. Person A could teach person B to persevere. Person B could ease Person A's mind by their wit and charm. Person A is a bit serious and B is more chill. They both can become a power couple. They respect each other's uniqueness and boundaries. Person A could be very protective of Person B. They would always help Person B.

This was all I got for you, my dear Pile 1.

Love, light, hope and peace to you..🌺🌻🌼

Pile 2

Person A - Caterpillar and Hawthorn

Welcome to your reading Pile 2.

This person does not look introverted from the outside but is someone who likes solitude most of the times. They are people who are tough and strong. They have a logical approach towards life and just like the caterpillar, they can break through/find their way out of any difficult circumstances. They might look fragile but are not because finally they are meant to transform into a butterfly. They can easily cut out toxic people from their life and can leave toxic situations behind for their own sake. They are not the ones to sit back and see their life unfolding before their eyes but the ones to come forward and take charge. They have good problem solving skills and they also like abstract concepts. They also seem very airy and fiery to me. They are very multi-talented and prosperous. They are very fertile and fiercely protective of their loved ones because hawthorn represents fertility and protection.

Person B - Moth and Maple

This person is full of wisdom and inner strength. They life is full of massive changes and transformations. They know that change is inevitable so they are not afraid when their life turns upside down. Like moths, they might appear dull or have dark feminine/dark masculine characteristics. They might have sharp features to their face or dark hair. Just like moths are attracted to light, they might be attracted towards beauty. Now, for every person it would be different, some are attracted to outer beauty while some are attracted to inner beauty while some, both. They are also someone who always look tired, has a lot of burden/responsibility on their shoulders because their whole life seems to go on non-stop and whatever they are doing, there's not much relaxation in it. They could also be interested in astrology and spirituality with the maple tree here and there are full of knowledge and wisdom. They are into deep conversations and don't like small talk. Very scorpionic/plutonian energy. They might also be very picky/choosy with people.

Connection of Person A & B

They would definitely be a power couple because they have the same outlook towards 'Change.' They, together would stand so strong like pillars with each other when things are bad. They would inculcate same values in their offsprings if they marry. You both could meet at workplace or you both are into the same line of work. You guys are made out of the same fabric. It is just that one has more experience than the other one(could also be superior-subordinate at work).

This was all I got for you, my dear Pile 2.

Love, light, hope and peace to you..🌺🌻🌼

Pile 3

Person A - Bear and Cactus

Welcome to your reading Pile 3.

This person is very resourceful but they could also be lazy. I'm also getting that they work out a lot and have build a lot of muscles, they have good physical strength. They could also have broad shoulders and broad chest area. From the outside, they might appear very rough and tough, but from the inside they are like a cuddly soft teddy bear. They might give the best hugs. They are very soft from the inside, might be actually very emotional too. They are also very protective of their loved ones and they stand like a protective shield for their own people and belongings. Nobody would want to mess with them. They might also have a lot of wisdom and experience. Major Taurus, Leo, Capricorn, Gemini, Libra and Pisces energy. They are known for their courage, confidence and leadership qualities. They are very practical and can come up with good solutions to problems. They might also like good food. With the cactus here, again(I need not say much), they are known for their strength, protectiveness, resilience, perseverance and endurance. Just like the Cactus, they have a strong and tough outer appearance but are soft from the inside. Their appearance might intimidate a lot of people and so people might be afraid to strike up a conversation with them.

Person B - Squirrel and Gulmohar

This person is known for its adaptability, resourcefulness, playfulness and organisational abilities. They are very clever and smart. They know all the tricks of the trade. Their movements could be very quick and fast just like the squirrel. They could also be very mischievous. They have a great foresight and it's not easy to get a hold of them. They are very active and can't get themselves to be at one place all the time. They are always doing some or the other thing, a busy bee. They like variety in life. They don't like to be boring or get bored, so they are always surrounded by people who match their craze. They like excitement, fun and travelling. Major Libra, Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius energy. They could also have a great sense of humour or their humour is broken. Their physique could be petite and small but that is just a facade, don't go on their looks, they can build or bring an whole empire down with that little body. I'm also getting a cat's energy here. So much similarity. Like the gulmohar, they are very vibrant and are known for their beauty and grace.

Connection of Person A & B

Both are quite similar in resourcefulness but also quite the opposite otherwise. One is funny and the other one is serious. Tall-short couple or it could be that one is plump and the other one is skinny. Person A could be very protective of Person B. Person B will bring a lot of fun and adventure in Person A's life. Person A will show Person B that being at home can also be good too, cozy and warm. They bring different things to the table so they'll have to adjust with one another. They might have arguments sometimes but they need to look at the bright side of their relationship.

This was all I got for you, my dear Pile 3.

Love, light, hope and peace to you..🌺🌻🌼

Pile 4

Person A - Crow and Lavender

Welcome to your reading Pile 4.

This person is so clever and witchy. They always keep a poker face/resting b**** face. They might be into astrology, tarot, witchcraft, wicca, paganism and spirituality, could also be their main profession. They could also be into healing professions such as Reiki, therapy, counselling, crystal healing, etc.. They have very unique or different(different from their community) firm beliefs and a standoffish personality. People might consider them weird or awkward so this person A is misunderstood a lot. They might have heavy Gemini, Aquarius, Pisces, Scorpio, 8th House/12th House placements. They appear intimidating to some people while very intriguing to others. They have this mysterious aura around them. So much goth vibes. They are into dark humor. They could also be a bit closed off or very picky or choosy. They have this huge contrast in their personality such as they could be very secretive, shy or quiet but could also be very talkative with people close to them or they can take a stand for themselves and others. They can communicate their emotions very well. They are a good blend of logic and emotions. The crow is also associated with the third eye and crown chakra, so these people have great wisdom and intuition and can work as a spiritual medium such as a tarot card reader, shaman, tantrik, exorcist etc. They can either use their speech for enlightenment or manipulation. Lavender represents innocence, silence, purity, devotion, peace and calmness. They remain calm unless they're provoked. Purple color of lavender also represents the third eye chakra.

Person B - Sparrow and Eucalyptus

Person B This person is very positive and cheerful, very hard working, but at the same time also very chill. They know how to relax even in a busy schedule. They are very community oriented people because sparrows work in their community and they live in harmony with each other and are very social. They are a symbol of good luck, hope, joy and harmony. They could also be very funny and talkative. These people have this good blend of fire, air and earth signs. They are very sociable as well as reliable. They could have a sweet speech or could be good singers. They might also be a musician or like to play instruments. They are like a good luck charm for many people. They might also be very extroverted and sturdy. They don't give up on things easily. They are hopeful, productive and goal-oriented, very materialistic but very kind and helpful. They might even offer good advice to people. Like the eucalyptus tree, they are very strong, protective and abundant as well. They are a go getter and also strive hard to get things done. They might also like travelling a lot. Their career could be related to travel and tourism.

Connection of Person A & B

You guys are like earth and water, different from each other but you both compliment each other, you need each other. Person B could be mesmerized by Person A's mysterious aura, intuition and uniqueness. Person A could love how funny, community oriented, hard working, kind and traditional Person B is. There is a mutual respect for each other's talents and gifts. You guys balance each other well.

This was all I got for you, my dear Pile 4.

Love, light, hope and peace to you..🌺🌻🌼

Thank you so much for being here. I post PAC readings every Tuesday and Friday. Do love and support by reblogging, liking or following.

——————————— ♡ ♡ ♡ ———————————

[pinksugarscrub]

Headcannons

Batboys x meta! Reader

Synopsis: I finished the main storyline for Gotham Knights and need some fluff in my life (Talia sucks). So here's Jason, Dick, and Tim with a bat mutant reader.

*Can be read as romantic or platonic, you be the judge.

Words: 700 +

Warnings: None

~

Jason Todd

In the beginning Jason tried really hard to dislike you, he did.

If he was seen being soft with you he’d never beat the allegations he was a bat through and through.

But then your ears were flopping as tears flooded your vision because someone called you a less than polite term for being a meta.

Yes he beat them up as a civilian and he’d do it again.

He likes your ears the most because they perfectly display your emotions.

Reading your expressions and attending to your needs makes him feel important.

His heart grows a little fuller everytime you say thank you and come to him for anything ranging from advice to a shoulder to cry on.

He makes fun of your poor eyesight despite your echolocation being an asset on missions.

You scare the crap out of him by hanging from the ceiling. He never hears you and you pop up seemingly from thin air.

Despite having a large wingspan and long pointed ears, Jason is still taller than you.

He makes sure your nutritional needs are met depending on the type of bat hybrid you are. Fruit, meat, etc.

He won’t admit it but every time you spread your wings to shield him either as a joke or on a mission he’s melting.

Jason’s used to being strong so having someone protect him on first instinct and actually be physically capable is mind boggling.

The Outlaws love you just as much if not more and it pisses Jason off when they hog you

Dick Grayson

Bat jokes. Bat puns. Lots of them.

He has some already in his arsenal because of Bruce but it’s just ten times worse.

When he looks at you with that grin and glint in his eyes you know you’re in for the cheesiest dad joke of your life.

He likes to tease you about being a vampire while pulling on your cheek to see your smile (canines).

Plays with your wings just like he did with Batman’s cape as Robin. He even deepens his voice.

He will not tolerate any slander about you in or out of costume.

People at galas and charities know to steer clear of any topic relating to you or metas unless they want an eight hour lecture and powerpoint presentation.

His nicknames or pet names are the worst. Usually a play on words or an outdated term from the eighteenth century.

Talks like he’s in a Shakespearean play when you’re in a sour mood because it makes you laugh.

He does not like to be flown around. None of the bats really do but on occasion he’ll let you parade him around.

He’s happy you and Garfield get along so well when he brings you with him on a visit to the Titans. Not to mention the rest of team.

Loves hugging you because your wings wrap around him like a blanket.

He will never forgive you and Wally for dragging him around like a ragdoll just prove who could get him to missons faster.

Tim Drake

You’re both on a separate time zone compared to the rest of the world.

3 AM snack trips are a must, especially on patrol.

You both buy each other energy drinks or coffee to get through the morning. Especially if you stayed up longer than usual.

Yes you’ve used your fangs to open a can when the tab was missing. It did not go well.

You’re the only one who understands his system of disorganization and commonly help him find things he’s lost in stacks of case files.

Studies you almost constantly because your abilities are so fascinating. There’s definitely a file on his computer dedicated to you. (*cough* Deku coded *cough*)

Insists on you getting glasses despite how well you maneuver throughout the manor and the world for that matter because you accidently walked into a wall once.

He has the most unhinged photos of you where the lense is .5 and your eyes are glowing. It’s his screensaver and the pictures change every few months.

Whenever he wants something from Bruce he sends you with the most heart wrenching puppy dog eyes because the old man has a soft spot for you.

Is always awestruck when he watches you fight. Then he’s got a smug grin on his face when he notices everyone else on the team is just as mesmerized.

You and Kon get along swimmingly.

One day you decided you wanted to get your ears pieced so you asked Kon for help. That was the most traumatizing experience for Tim.

He couldn't stand to see you in pain even if it was only for a moment.

After getting over the initial panic he thought you looked really nice with the new accesories.

[sleepincrow]

contains: toxic behaviour, toxic!reader this was itching my brain, idk what to tell you. i like having morally ambigious reader... or idk, is it too tame? i have no idea where the line meets and ends when it comes to dark shit cus i usually stay in the other side of the line. whenever i think of dark stuff its in a comedic-ish light and everything turns fluffy in the end idfk. tell me what else i should add in the warnings 😞

edit: i made it readable, i should really start readproofing.

hear me out..

reader who doesnt do anything when their boyfriend is mean. like theyre just generally pissed off and huffing at you when youre trying to greet them with open arms and a warm smile when they come home.

reader who doesnt confront them about their horrible behavior and how it affected them. no, just stay silent, take in whatever your boyfriend had to say or do and leave him be.

ohooooh, you mightve done nothing but youre going to give them something much worse than a silent treatment.

youre not a doormat. youre not a crybaby.

i want reader to be absolutely menacing. if that man doesnt come back crawling, apologizing to you, youre gonna make him.

do you understand me? the anger, the absolute disgust that bubbles in your stomach, that claws its way up your chest like an animal looking for a fresh breath of air before it starts to hunt.

youre silent all of the sudden, giving him the driest texts known to man, leaving him on seen with texts that dont technically need a reply instead of dragging the conversation longer with a picture of a cat you saw on your way home. youre picking up more work than usual, unable to cut some time, telling him youve got things to do—things more important than having to watch some tv with him, be in bed with him.

youre clever. you know your schedule, and you know his. rearrange everything, make sure to make as much commotion in your life that doesnt include him, so when he confronts you, youre technically telling the truth when you say youre busy.

because why bother coming home early, greeting him, surprising him with dinner and a loving kiss?

then watch it all go down. technically, youre not doing anything wrong, youve got your plate full with a screenshot of your planned calendar to pair with it as sweet, sweet evidence.

youre watching him slightly deteriorate. watch him panic. he'll buy you flowers, in which you put in a vase but never take care of like before. he'll buy you jewelry you wont wear because "theyre beautiful but i like the old ones too! ill wear them on a special occassion" that wont ever come.

the frustrated, panicked look on his face is priceless. it feels so good. he cant even be mad because youre not even cheating! you have all the alibis, all the witnesses. youre perfectly happy and sweet as before! just.. not as responsive, not as present. but thats not your fault, thats your job's!

if he pays for you, slowly start paying your half of everything. shows that you are stable and everything would be perfectly fine if he went up in left. in the end, thats why he got angry with you in the first place, right? he's so okay with being angry, not telling you his problems, that he can keep it to himself, right?

he doesnt need your lap to lay his head on, not your food that you prepare for him when he comes home, not the soft touches you leave on his overworked skin and definitely not the words that you coo at him everyday before he pissed you off.

make him know what the once delicious thought of takeout tastes like once he's left to fend for himself while you go out for overtime at work! trust me, its gonna taste a hell of a lot more bland, a lot more dull. depressing, really.

dont even get me STARTED on sex. (i wont, not now)

this is all justifiable, right? after all, this is how you communicate your feelings right? this is how you can show him how you felt when he showed you a cold shoulder at your warm embrace! let him have the full experience when you felt pathetic, miserable, useless.

plus, youre not wrong, arent you? you can leave whenever you want! who is he to tell you that you cant leave? as if he owns you—is that what he thinks? is that what he thinks of you? just a not-so-significant other that he can come home to whenever he wants and project his feelings unto?

no, no youre not. youre not gonna take that bullshit. he can roll it up, pack it in a bag and beat it if thats what he's thinking. no, both of you are holding an end of a rope in this relationship. a big, thick rope which you can cut off with that large ass scissor you both have.

this is just you telling him, reminding him that you can cut it whenever you like! its not threatening, not manipulation, straight truth! you CAN leave any relationship you like! its his problem if he doesnt like it, right?

your poor little boyfriend has to get his act together! start thinking straight! unless he wants to deal with your unyielding, harsh wrath for the rest of his soon-to-be miserable life.

after all, he made the first threat to your relationship, right? its just a reminder!

[mesetacadre]

hi, i hope you dont mind me asking this question! i often come across lists of reading recommendations for communists, and they are usually focused entirely on communist theory. which is important and im already on that, but i wonder if you also have recs for learning about history? especially the history of the soviet union, but also other past and present socialist states. i sometimes find myself reading theory and understanding the concepts in a vacuum, but with very little understanding of the historical context they were written in, if that makes any sense. and id like to get a basic grasp of the history of various socialist projects that isnt just the typical western "the ussr was evil!!!!" thing

Hi, historical context is indeed very important for works of theory, especially if it's more than a hundred years old. Lenin's What is to be Done, for example, is very conditioned by its historical context of Russia still being predominantly feudal, with only a timid appearance of the proletariat in St. Petersburg and Moscow, and therefore the very first trade unions, which he talks about. The understanding of these texts is amplified, and quite often enabled by knowing at least the basic historical context. Below I'll list the historical works I've read (and others) with some commentary, but I encourage anyone who has something to add to do so, since I am as of only recently getting more into historiography.

Anything by Anna Louise Strong (I've read The Soviets Expected it (1941) and In North Korea (1941), there's also The New Lithuania (1941), The Stalin Era (1956) and When Serfs Stood Up in Tibet (1959) for example). Her works, which I'd consider primary sources since they are written from her own experience witnessing events and talking to a lot of people, are extremely useful if you wish to form an idea about how some aspects of socialist states worked. The limitation of her works also resides in this specificity and closeness, these are not works that present a broad view of long processes, but a slice of the present with the sufficient historical context. They are still very, very good.

The Open Veins of Latin America (Spanish versrion), by Eduardo Galeno (1971). This one is focused on the history of imperialism in Latin America, how it evolved from the moment the first Spanish foot touched ground to the time it was written in (It talks about Allende before he was assassinated but after achieving power, for example). Perhaps it's not exactly what you're looking for, but it contains very important general context for any social movement that has happened since 1492 to 1971

The Triumph of Evil, by Austin Murphy (2002). I have mixed feelings about this book. While it insists on this weird narrative of absolute evil, which IMO takes away a lot of value from the overall points made, it is an astonishingly in-depth analysis of the economic performance and general merit of socialist systems against their capitalist counterparts. Most of the book is dedicated to comparing the GDR to the FRG, and both the economic and social data it exposes was very eye-opening to me when I read it about 2 years ago. If you can wade through the moralism (especially the beginning of the introduction), it's a gem. I've posted pictures of its very detailed index under the cut :)

Blackshirts and Reds, Michael Parenti (1997). Despite the very real criticisms levied against this book, like its mischaracterization of China, it is still a landmark work. Synthetically, it exposes the relationship between fascism, capitalism and communism.

Red Star Over the Third World, Vijay Prashad (2019); The Russian Revolution: A View from the Third World, Walter Rodney (2018). I'm lumping these two together (full disclosure, as of writing I'm about four fifths of the way through RSOtTW) because they deal with the same topic, Prashad being influenced by Rodney as well. Like both titles imply, they deal with the effects the October revolution had on the exploited peoples of the world, which is a perspective that's often lost. Through this, they (at least Prashad) also talk about the early USSR and how it functioned. For example, up until reading Red Star, I hadn't even heard of the 1920 Congress of The Toilers of the East in Baku, or the Congress of the Women of the East.

From here on I'll link works that I haven't (yet) read, but I have seen enough trusted people talk about them to include them

How to Cast a God into Hell: The Khrushchev Report, by Domenico Losurdo (2008). This one talks about how the period of Stalin was twisted and exaggerated through destalinization.

Devils in Amber, by Philips Bonoski (1992). This is about the Baltics and their historical trajectory from before WW1 to the destruction of the USSR (I'm not very sure on those two limits, perhaps they fluctuate a bit, but it definitely covers from WW1 to the 60s)

Socialism Betrayed, by Roger Keeran and Thomas Kenny (2004). This one deals with the process leading up to and the destruction of the USSR itself.

The Jakarta Method, Vincent Bevins (2020). This is about the methods the US used in the second half of the 20th century to stamp out, prevent, or otherwise sabotage communist movements and other democratic anti-imperialist movements.

I know some of these aren't specifically about socialist states, which is what you asked, but the history of its opposition is just as important to understand because it always exists as a condition to these countries' development and policies chosen.