#I feel bad cause I know the SLP needs a lot of support and I don’t mind giving that..it’s why im there

[seokshinedk]

Powering my way through the day with both coffee AND green tea. Today warrants some double-dipping.

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

words words words

here’s my brain dump from last sunday enjoy picking it apart. i tried to organize it cause i just kinda kept inserting paragraphs wherever when thoughts came up. 

i’ll break it up a bit cause there’s a few different topics? or i’ll just dump it flows enough ehhh here you go 

*i tried to make multiple keep reading lines but it won’t let you do that in on post so i gotta post this and reblog it from myself so bear with that crap for a moment. 

eh this first blurb turns into boys. lame. read on if you so choose. also disclaimer i start to say fuck a lot in this chunk idk why but it just happened. 

i slept over a boy’s house last night for the first time. bree and sam and i went to jordan’s for the racing banquet afterparty, and it was liit. hehe sorry i hate myself for writing that. but it was super fun! it was an adventure of a night. sam and i became fast friends, bree and i had some simp time, played fun games and drank, and then we all just slept over at jordan’s. it was v uncomfortable haha bree and i slept on a giant bean bag. comfy to nap and sit on, not so great for prolonged sleeping. but it was really worth it. i had such a great time. some formula boys came over too so playing games was fun cause there were more people. also back to banquet for a moment, i’d like to take the time to appreciate how fire i looked. i felt really confident. i wish i got to wear that outfit more, i think i need to get appreciated in it more. hmmmmm what else i haven’t been able to do this in a long time. i’m so bad at keeping tabs on my life. i need to go back to the mason jar with little weekly updates those were fun.

i had a really nice time chatting with erika on thrusday after mandarin. she’s so precious, i’m really grateful to have gotten the chance to meet her better before the year ended. she told me i was really beautiful and was surprised when i said i had no boys in my life. she’s so beautiful, i always feel like it’s the truth when i hear that i’m pretty from other pretty girls. like cause they’re pretty they know what it is, so if they say i am, i like to believe i’m pretty too. but i don’t have guys lining up for me and it just always makes me wonder what i’m doing wrong. do i give off bitch vibes, don’t date me vibes, i don’t date vibes, like why don’t i get approached if i’m so pretty. the only guys to ever tell me i’m pretty or something are always creeps and i don’t fuck with that shit. i just want a nice boy. 

wow nice transition. let’s talk about cute boys!!! cause i have no other life than think boys are cute and hope that one day one of them might like me back a little. there’s this cute little electron in the bat lab. he’s really adorable. he wore a nice light pink polo to banquet and won an award. what a cutie pie. i finally introduced myself to him during banquet. i like to think that he looks at me when i’m in the bat lab. i definitely sneak little glances at him. ugh i think bford is really cute too. he wore suspenders and a bowtie. he sent me a fb friend request and i felt accepted. that means he knows who i am. *update he asked to connect on linkedin, we can get married now. i also like to think he’s given me a double look before. who else. ooo i am hopelessly in love with smol bean. he is such a great wholesome bean with lots of protein and is the cutest stud. he’s just such a good person and i appreciate him like crazy. there’s a lot of cuties in racing i appreciate them all. but then like it kinda sucks because i know i’ll never get to be in a relationship with any of them because i’m not a “first-choice girl” i’m just that extra quirky roommate to the prettier roommate or the sidekick friend to the beautiful man character. does my desperateness show to much? do they know that i want their attention? do i act weird around them? or do they just not like me? but i’m pretty decent friends with a lot of the guys i think are cute, do they just see me as a friend? am i really on another level like trevor said that guys feel like they’re just not goof enough for me? i mean i like to think i’m at least really cute, and i think my niceness makes up for the lack of a defined waist and prettier everything. guys fall over olivia all the time, no one has ever really done that to me. i just want to be the beautiful friend once. that really pretty girl that they ask their friends who she is, because she’s smart and cute and beautiful and they want to get to know who she is. when do i get to be her? i love all of my friends so much and i’m so lucky to have them all, but fuck why are they always all prettier and skinnier and better at everything than i am. it’s just hard.

i want to believe that shades® thinks i’m cute. like i really wanna believe it. but last night he just talked about how he thought that my friend was so beautiful. but he said that he liked drunk emma and that she was fun:) and he likes my memes and admires my work ethic and thinks all my slps are dope and he thinks it’s cool that i’m learning mandarin and write notes on my laptop in mandarin and idk man he’s a cutie. we went to church together just us a week or so ago cause debbie was sick and bree was gone and i wondered if people thought we were dating. we went shopping at trader joe’s after and i thought we looked cute. he’s problematic to work with though so i idk how he’d fair in a relationship. he also has total anime hair, i appreciate it. i think blondrew may have had a crush on me for a while. he would kinda pick on me a bit and give a little sass back which he hadn’t don't before. he’s getting back to normal now which i appreciate.

jenna asks me a lot why i think i’ve never dated anyone. we always get interrupted and i never get to finish my thoughts, but the truth is, is i don’t know why. it;s not like i haven't wanted to. there have been plenty, and i mean plenty fuck all i do is think about cute boys, of boys the i think are cute and stuff but i’ve never dated any one. dude, if it wasn’t for trevor i still wouldn’t have had my first kiss. do i just seem like i don’t want to date do i flirt wrong?? do i seem like i already have a boyfriend? cause like whenever people ask about boys in my life and i say i have none and have never had any they seem surprised. like did they think i already had a boyfriend? but then their are such really pretty and accomplished girls i know that also have never had boyfriends either and like fuck it sucks. why does the world hate us. i really dislike that i think that way. but it’s always on my mind. 

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i just want a boy to like me. like it’s so sad. i feel and think that it’ll solve my confidence issues and stuff and like i know it won’t. to me i think that it’ll mean a sign of like societal acceptance, that a guy likes me, but that’s such a backwards way to think and that in no way defines my worth in society. i think at this point it’s become something like a, “i need it to happen to know that i know it’s not what i need.” i know myself, i need the verification that it’s not what i want and i’ll know that when it happens, even if i keep telling myself from now,  i still need it to happen to have physical proof. it’s like how i told myself don’t go into college with expectations, but i still went into this year with them and now i really feel secure in knowing that expectations suck and i really need to not have them. it also makes me mad that the acceptance and love i get from my friends isn’t enough for me to feel like i am relevant. like i am someone people like and want to hangout with and be around. i’m really sad that i can’t recognize that, and i feel like i need it form a guy but goddamn i just want a nice boy to cry to and smile with and just sit next to each other and lean my head on his shoulder. but that’s not gonna fix me not knowing who i am or feeling comfortable with myself and confident in myself. 

fuck i hate how my entires always turn to love and boys. like there’s so much more to the world and i always bring it back to not having a boy. but like fuck i don’t need one!!!! look at how impressive my life and accomplishments are. and i worked for them so hard without a guy. i did them myself with the help and guidance of my amazing support systems, that i sought out myself. i set and seek goals and i fucking accomplish the fuck out of them. i am so motivated and passionate and accomplished and smart and trilingual and cultured and kind and funny and beautiful and i don’t need a guy to prove any of that because i know it all, but i don’t know if i believe myself.

[grandstratagem]

The overall rhetoric that I am trying to communicate is that this incident is indicative of Maxen taking it way too easy on people who bully other people for being non-cis. Evelynn never apologized to Baldassar and continued to harass him because he spoke out against her and her guild for what they had done. This is someone who Maxen fully endorses and supports, and it is only one of multiple incidents of him supporting people who show no genuine remorse for their horrendous actions.

This sounds like it’s written by someone who’s never really managed a community before. You have a biased viewpoint that seems to have an agenda more towards ripping Maxen apart than recognizing that the real issue (at least in your example) was primarily between Baldassar and Evelynn. Obviously, you don’t like it that Maxen chose to let Evelynn back in. You’re entitled to that. I personally think Evelynn is an asshole who leads a shitty guild considering the stuff I saw posted in his Discord about Baldassar. So, maybe that’ll help you feel a bit better, I dunno. That said, I know Maxen well enough that he wouldn’t make a decision like that on the spur of a moment, nor do I feel to need to dreg up a lot of the specifics from Maxen about this case (considering it happened years ago) to argue with an anonymous detractor.

I should also point out again that it’s easier to work (again, work with, not be friends) with a controversial figure who actually wants to contribute than someone who’s washed their hands of your project beyond externally whining about it on tumblr blogs. For instance, I remember someone who’d washed their hands of my Silver Hammer community project absolutely dog me because they learned that someone I made a moderator had done some questionable things with other creators’ art years ago.

I eventually caved to the pressure and confronted my moderator, who ultimately decided she didn’t want to cause any drama and left on her own volition. You know what happened? I became short one moderator. It’s not like the person who complained offered to suddenly help out. No, they purely just wanted to manifest their influence to carry out a grudge against someone in my community that hadn’t really done anything wrong in the time they’d been cooperating with me. So, I could maybe see why Maxen showed more leniency for this Evelynn person on the little bit of knowledge (basically, Baldassar’s biased viewpoint) that I’m privy to. Evelynn showed an invested interest in contributing to SLP. Baldassar admits himself in his own post that he believes SLP-style roleplay can work, but also washed his hands completely from it. Okay, cool Baldassar, but you aren’t contributing anymore, so your opinion—unfortunately—is not as useful. 

Anyways, anon, you sound a bit too unhealthily invested in cancel culture. Trust me when I say there are people on the Moon Guard server that I absolutely detest too, like the League of Lordaeron GM, but I don’t spend my time trying to throw her or her sycophants out of communities I frequent (or trying to make other people feel bad about supporting them on their tumblr blogs, LMAO). Why? Because I trust said communities’ leaders to keep anyone in line who wants to dredge up my personal drama into a public space. It’s happened before, but every single time it does the other person looks like a jackass.

My advice? Take a break from the Moon Guard community like I did, instead of barking up my tumblr. Once you’ve left the game for years, you’ll come back and realize that all of this drama is meaningless. Others will talk to you like a racist joke made ten years ago might as well have happened yesterday. It’s weird how many people actually compile gigabytes of logs to “keep dirt” on others in case they “act up”. Anyone who does that is actually a loser. 

Don’t be a loser, anon.