#I failed in using it as a career and escape from an unsatisfactory life

[jencsi]

Writing has become such a lost concept to me.

It used to be, I would have a thought, and I would immediately have to stop what I was doing to record it before I lost it. I had to act on it. Like an impulse. I couldn’t wait to flesh out the rest of the idea, the line, the scene, the moment. It was a need, a high, a rush. I was fulfilling some sort of instinct, the finished product was end game. Self soothing for a unsatisfying life.

Now? I have a thought. It stays secluded in the recesses of my brain. It tumbles around for months, even years. There is a resistance preventing it from getting further. A glass ceiling if you will. Trapped. Why would it go anywhere when it can’t help solve any problem I have right now? The need to self soothe has vanished. Why self soothe when life is so meaningless? It’s embarrassing to need.

And instead I go to TikTok.

*note- the first description was active and alive from ages 13-late twenties. The secondary process occurs now as I’m in my thirties. I do believe age, responsibilities and other issues have ruined every thing I used to hold dear.

CC: 4 empty journals sitting on my book shelf collecting dust since 2019.