#I ended up watching dune 1 and 2 and not understand a single bit

[valewritessss]

When I was on a plane for 10 hours a few days ago I had to survive without fanfiction and 6 hours in I started experiencing symptoms of withdrawal

[chaoshomeschooler]

8. Wednesday, Sept. 2nd: How do you take your coffee?

I don’t really drink coffee. Sometimes I get these little iced coffee things - they’re like melted frapachinos.

9. Thursday, Sept. 3rd: How do you take your tea?

Usually black but sometimes with milk. Around the holidays I put eggnog in spice teas.

10. Friday, Sept. 4th: Favorite study snack!

Dried cranberries and 92% dark chocolate. The whole bar has like 2 grams of sugar and it’s pretty bitter but I like the taste

11. Monday, Sept. 7th: Currently reading!

For book club I’m reading Dune. I’m always currently reading The Picture of Dorian Gray (it’s complicated.) For school I should be starting 7 Habits of Highly Effective People but I’ve been too stressed about a test I have in a couple days to start it. I also listen to audiobooks at work because my job is pretty mindless so the next one on the cue for that is Interview with the Vampire.

12. Tuesday, Sept. 8th:  How do you take notes?

For things that have tests I take notes on paper. For book reports I take notes on my computer because that makes them easier to reference. The book report ones actually have to be legible but the test ones I just write so that I pay attention during the lecture/reading and it helps me commit the material to memory. If I want to do review I don’t usually go to my notes - I go to key terms lists or study guides and stuff.

13. Wednesday, Sept. 9th: What is your goal aesthetic?

Oooohhhh I’ve actually been getting closer to having stuff that portrays my goal aesthetic. I don’t really know how to describe it. It’s like dark but soft and selectively nature-y.

14. Thursday, Sept. 10th: Are you a morning person or a night person?

Night person for sure.

15. Friday, Sept. 11th: Day in your life!

Ahhhh this is going to be a lot. Ok so half the week I go to work at 8:00 in the morning. On those days, I wake up, throw on some clothes, grab anything that looks like it might be food, fill up my Large Ass Water Bottle and run out the door. While I’m at work I lie to myself and say that I’ll do school work but I usually don’t. Then I come home and that’s when I do school and stuff.

On the other days I basically do the same thing except the lying to myself that I’ll do work happens in the morning and I get started on stuff later in the day.

16. Monday, Sept. 14th: Song of the day! What are you jamming to?

SO. MANY. JAMS.

Lately I’ve been into Two Door Cinema Club and anything on Frenchie’s playlist from the Boys. And a lot of other stuff.

17. Tuesday, Sept. 15th: What is your study playlist?

It depends. I found this nice indie playlist that I listen to sometimes. Usually I just listen to Reddit videos on youtube tho. I’m so used to the format and voices of the youtubers I listen to that it’s a more effective background noise. Sometimes when I listen to music and study I get too into the songs.

18. Wednesday, Sept. 16th: Study Schedule!

HA. I tried making one this year, then deadlines sprang up on me out of no where and I had to go off the rails. So now I’m stuck catching up on the things I had to ignore at that one point. Right now it’s just 1) study for biology 100% of the time. Then once that test is out of the way it will be 2) study for the SAT 100% of the time and also do a bit of reading for my book report. Once I get caught up I will make a scheduled and stick to it. I definitely learned my lesson when those initial deadlines sprang up on me but I just haven’t been able to catch up yet.

19. Thursday, Sept. 17th: How do you organize your to-do’s?

I frantically make a list on my phone once my anxiety gets so bad that it drives me crazy. I look at the list but then once about half the things are done I forget about it. Repeat.

I really did make a nice planner and planned out my whole month but I haven’t been able to stick to it because of all that catching up I had to do, which left me with more catch up.

20. Friday, Sept. 18th: Do you read motivational books?

No. The only books I voluntarily read usually end up being sci-fi.

21. Monday, Sept. 21st: What do you do for your self care?

Thursday nights I watch the Boys and eat snacks. Sometimes I do my nails.

22. Tuesday, Sept. 22nd: Fall starts today! What is your favorite thing about fall?

EVERYTHING. I freaking love Halloween so either that or the return of the crows to my neighborhood.

23. Wednesday, Sept. 23rd: Unpopular book opinion?

Hmmm. I’ve never read Harry Potter and I never want to.

24. Thursday, Sept. 24th: What do you love about #Studyblr?

I like how it keeps me acountable-ISH. It’s nice to have a place to put thoughts out where they have the potential to be seen.

25. Friday, Sept. 25th: Unpopular #Studyblr opinions?

I don’t really interact with the community or anything and I hardly even keep up with any studyblrs that I follow so I don’t think I have one. I guess I just don’t understand how people make those really fancy notes and stuff without losing a ton of time/efficiency to it.

26. Monday, Sept. 28th: What is your to do list?

Do you mean what’s on it? Or what format is it? I’m too tired to say what’s on it but it’s on my phone for the most part.

27. Tuesday, Sept. 29th: What is your biggest inspiration?

I'm not very inspired. When it comes to the things I write and create I have muses, but an inspiration in general? I’m really just motivated by anxiety and fear and the clock ticking down and fear and anxiety.

28. Wednesday, Sept. 30th: Positive affirmations!  What are yours? Write some!

I don’t tell myself positive affirmations. But when it comes to other people I think it’s important to remember that you are lovely, and you are loved. Even when it doesn’t feel or seem like it. Even if you can’t think of a single person who loves you. Because there actually is someone out there who loves you. You just don’t know them yet. I think it’s important to remember that you don’t have to live up to all the smile-y things that people say. “Everything’s going to be alright” isn’t always true in the short term. But “You’re going to live through this. You’re strong enough to survive.” always is.

[valenshawke]

Identity Ask- 1&3!

identity asks… oh shit

3. list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.

I’m limiting myself to five.

Claymore - Clare

Death Parade - Chiyuki

My Hero Academia - Izuku Midoriya

Violet Evergarden - Violet

And not to be an anime/manga-cliche-riddled-mess

Deadwood - Al Swearengen

1. if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

I’m answering these as to what I was watching/reading/listening to during my late teens/early adulthood as they either proto-formed most of political and social ideology while other things better informed me later. But without these, probably would have turned out different.

Watch: Uh… man… this is gunna be terrible. But probably watch The X-Files, Law & Order, and the first two seasons of The West Wing. The X-Files kinda got me somewhat deep into conspiracy theory circles for a bunch of years before the right wing really got deep into it and it became a mess of fascist white supremacy. Law & Order cause I wanted to be Jack McCoy for a lot of years and he is an influence as to how I lectured when I was teaching. Plus, his righteous sanctimony is something identify with since people do consider a sanctimonious prima donna and drama queen. The West Wing is probably a shocker because that show first about 4 seasons (when Sorkin wrote it) was fucking idealistic as hell and a nice counterbalance to the Bush administration. I’ll also toss in Stargate SG-1 because I loved that show and it replaced The X-Files as must-see-TV after the movie.

Listen: Metallica. If you’re a male, and you like heavy metal, at some point… you listened to Metallica a lot (or Megadeth if you hated Metallica and thought Dave Mustaine was the superior guitarist and songwriter). This WAS the band of my high school years. And Ride the Lightning, Master of Puppets, and … And Justice for All were all great in terms of social commentary on politics, corruptions, religion. I listened to Metallica a lot, and I mean a lot, while I was reading what I’m going to talk about in a bit.

The Black Album also means a lot to me since my first girlfriend in high school actually introduced me to the band and told me her all time favorite song was “The Unforgiven.” I listened to it and it’s still my all time favorite song by Metallica and, AND, I got to see them play it live in December. A moment I will never forget (I also recorded it and bought the official live recording of that concert).

Read: I give this answer a lot but it’s been awhile and I’ll give a why on what someone would read: Dune, specifically the Dune Chronicles. The original six books. I was actually going through my replies one night and someone @thetwistedmentat asked my thoughts on the fourth book, God Emperor of Dune. So I’ll try to cover it all briefly here…

Still going under a cut.

When I was 16 and read the first four books, it really did change how I viewed the world. About 2.5 years earlier, I became an atheist, which went over real well in Catholic school. I was already the ostracized kid in Catholic school, so this added to it. I guess I had a lot of questions on morality and how things really were.

When I read the first book, it really opened my eyes. No, I didn’t get the subtlety or all the commentary the first time I read it, but I got the broad strokes and I got older and learned more, I started to understand the references and the complexity of what Frank Herbert was saying.

Messianic figures are, by-in-large, a bad idea. Either because they become a prisoner to their ideas and mission or don’t have the courage to do what it is needed if they’re smart enough to realize, “Hey, being a single ruler with religious devotion is a terrible thing.”

Dependency on a single resource to move a system’s economy is… a terrible thing as well.

Social engineering (a more complex and devious form of socialization) is a terrible thing and can lead to terrible outcomes.

Religion and government being one and the same… is a terrible thing with terrible outcomes.

Cultural and evolutionary stagnation is… A terrible thing.

Complacency is… A terrible thing.

The ecology of a planet can give us clues and inform us of what a society holds sacred or important. Which also ties into #2.

People tend to drop Dune after the second book or criticize the first book for pretty much the same reason. Dune has been criticized as a colonial white-man’s fantasy because the “hero” wins at the end of the first book. As one gets closer to the end, Paul Atreides makes more more comments about a terrible decision he has to make, a Jihad that is coming, and billions that will die. People will die under and because of his name. When you get to book 2… Frank Herbert takes a wrecking ball to the entire notion that Paul is a hero. Paul compares himself to Hitler for love of Teresa of the Faint Smile. And no, this isn’t Frank Herbert was a Nazi or a sympathizer. For Frank Herbert, this was the clearest way for him to say Paul Atreides was evil, a coward, and weak. Frank Herbert literally said Paul is someone who “thinks he is God. “

And he leaves those terrible decisions to his son, Leto Atreides II.

In the third book, Leto and his twin sister, Ghanima, have the same power Paul had, the ability to see the future and the ability to tap into both sides of their genetic memory and Leto struggles with the decision to take on the skin of the Sandworm.

What is the decision? Save humanity. Because on it’s current path as outlined by points 1, 2, 3, 4, & 6… humanity will meet its end. Again this is a galactic empire but it can be controlled by one person who controls one resource.

Which actually leads into the second criticism I actually read very recently. That the books still fall into the strong-man political leader/fascist leader to solve the problems. And I’ll admit, that is a strong criticism if you discount the nuances Frank Herbert brings and the ultimate goal Frank Herbert apparently had in mind (According to Norman Spinrad, Frank Herbert actually detested the royalist politics he wrote about, which is pretty clear, and that the universe would eventually move to some kind of true democratic confederation).

Yes, both Paul and Leto (especially Leto) were strong man/fascist dictators for all intents and purposes. But both clearly could see into the future and had pretty much all of human history in their heads to realize humanity, as a group of people, naturally fall into the trap of charismatic leadership and authority. It’s actually rather easy to do if you examine just how Paul becomes a messiah to the Fremen (which is an explicit criticism of the Catholic Church and its role in European Colonialism).

And this gets into an overall theme in many of Frank Herbert’s work: Harsh social and environmental conditions can produce genius or people able to survive. At the micro-level, you have the Fremen, who can best the imperial militaries best.

At the big, macro-level, Leto’s oppression is meant to foment rebellion, is meant to make people angry generation after generation, is meant for people that want freedom, to never be under the rule of one person ever again, is meant to make him the ultimate symbol of evil everyone can agree upon (sound familiar anime fans?). They must call him Shaitan. He must be remembered as a Tyrant. As evil. He must die in a certain way. The problem with humanity, and you can see it to this day, is we forget the mistakes of the past. Leto’s goal:

“When I set out to lead humanity along my Golden Path, I promised them a lesson their bones would remember. I know a profound pattern which humans deny with their words even while their actions affirm it. They say they seek security and quiet, the condition they call peace. Even as they speak, they create the seeds of turmoil and violence. If they find their quiet security, they squirm in it. How boring they find it. Look at them now. Look at what they do while I record these words. Hah! I give them enduring eons of enforced tranquility which plods on and on despite their every effort to escape into chaos. Believe me, the memory of Leto’s peace shall abide with them forever. They will seek their quiet security thereafter only with extreme caution and steadfast preparation.” - Leto Atreides, The God Emperor of the Known Universe.

It only takes 3500+ years.

There’s also just a lot of gems about leadership, bureaucracy, and the idiotic repetition of history in God Emperor of Dune. The Dune Chronicles aren’t very action-based, there aren’t prolonged battles that are written out. Dune ends with a duel, Dune Messiah has a few moments of violence with stone burners, and a few deaths at the end, Children of Dune has a very sad written death of one of my favorite characters. God Emperor of Dune probably is the closest something heartpounding as Leto’s goal is ultimately achieved. Heretics of Dune again has some moments of violence. Chapterhouse: Dune actually has a battle sequence written out. After that, there are no more Dune books.

“But-”

THERE. ARE. NO. MORE. DUNE. BOOKS.

Why I became a sociologist? Why I ended up reading Marx & Lenin? Why I’m so critical of the intersection of politics, economics, and religion? Here you go.

This isn’t to say stuff HASN’T influenced me later. I’d also suggest reading books by Mira Grant and Ann Leckie, as well as Terry Pratchett’s Discworld and mangas such as Claymore by Norihiro Yagi and Fullmetal Alchemist by Hiromu Arakawa or watch Code Geass, M*A*S*H, and The Wire. Just that the Dune Chronicles was the first, and probably, most important step.

[gobigorgohome2016]

Fitness Check: Tobacco Road Half Marathon

Race weekends are so weird. I will never understand how time can move so quickly, yet so slowly, in the span of 48 hours.  

Today I raced the Tobacco Road Half Marathon in Cary, North Carolina.  Everything about this weekend seemed to embody the dichotomy of fast and slow.  

I arrived in NC early Friday afternoon, around 11 AM.  I think this race was first on my radar because my teammate, Andie Cozzarelli, lives in Raleigh and mentioned it to me the last time she raced the Indy Monumental Marathon.  My main motivation for choosing races this year was to choose ones where I could win money.

In the past chasing cash has scared me, because I have been afraid of the gnawing anger / frustration / embarrassment / resentment when the race doesn’t go the way I had hoped, and I don’t win the money I had anticipated.  There is also a factor where trying to win money, and then losing it, makes it feel more real, and scary in a way.  Which is something I need to confront.  

Friday was a lot of fun. Andie and I went for a run, watched approximately 30,000 episodes of Friends, then went out to dinner at an Italian restaurant in downtown Raleigh.  I had possibly the best seafood risotto I have ever tasted, paired with a delicious red wine.  Afterwards we watched more Friends.  What I love about my Haute Volee teammates is that they have pretty seamlessly filled the gap that was left after college during racing weekends.  Whenever Andie and I are together we run, do a little bit of work, watch some tv, eat, and talk to the point of exhaustion – just like my college days with my roommates.

Saturday I joined Andie for the end of her long run, then we headed over to the cutest coffee shop I have ever seen for a volee meet up.  A friend of mine who I hadn’t seen since high school lives in Raleigh, and we got together for lunch at a Japanese restaurant.  I ordered pho, solely for the reason that this time last year I went out to dinner with the ZAP Fitness team in Jacksonville and ate pho before running a PR.  

After parting ways with my friend, I took an uber to my hotel.  One of very few perks of Dave traveling all the time is that he can hook me up with Mariott hotels when I am out of town.  I was able to have a suite with a kitchen.  By the time I checked in at 2 PM, I only had 3 hours before the expo closed and I had to pick up my packet (no race day packet pick up).  I still needed another short run, and the expo was 2.5 miles away, so I naturally ran there.  Except, there was no sidewalk.  So I ran on the shoulder of a super busy and scary road.  #fail

By the time I got back to my hotel, I was pretty exhausted.  Even though I had really done nothing in the past 24 hours, I also felt like I had done everything.   I still needed to find some groceries, because I had already eaten the pre-race breakfast I had packed.  #secondfail

Grocery stores were really far away, but, Instacart exists in Cary!  Many struggles and 45 minutes of indecision later, I finally place my order for 18 larabars (literally), yogurt, two blood oranges, a box of instant oatmeal, 3 bananas, a beer, a dark chocolate bar, two kombuchas, and a small carton of orange juice.  Why did I order 18 larabars?  Well, I either could choose to pay $10 for delivery, or reach a certain threshold for free delivery.  18 larabars it was.  

I watched Loyola upset Tennessee, then excitedly got ready for bed because I was SO TIRED.  I had no idea the race was at 7 AM, which meant a 4 AM wake up call.  I turned off the lights at 9, but then COULDN’T FALL ASLEEP.  Normally, sleeping the night before a race is not a problem for me.  I wasn’t even thinking about the race, I just couldn’t fall asleep once I turned out the lights.  First the room was too hot.  Then I had to switch around my pillows.  Then I had to go to the bathroom.  Then the room was too cold.  Then every single person who walked down the hallway sounded like an elephant.  Then I started my period and was having cramps (seriously, my last 10 of 14 races I have started my period within 24 hours of the race.  It’s bizarre).  I remember looking at the clock at 2 AM and thinking to myself, just get 90 minutes of sleep.  

Even though I didn’t get a good night’s rest, I woke up feeling pretty good.  I had my breakfast and watched MTV.  I’ve had to give up coffee before races because I don’t think it does anything for me.  Instead, I drink green tea.  I packed a hand-made tea bag of roasted green tea that I bought in San Francisco for my morning cuppa.  

My friend, Tim, picked me up at 5 AM to head over to the start.  You know what’s cool about racing competitively?  You accumulate friends all across the country who are willing to do things like drive out of their way to pick you up.  

The next part is pretty standard:  talk with your runner friends while waiting for the start, use the porta potty 30 times, run warm up, do drills, take off clothes, pee in the woods because the porta potty line is too long, do some strides, get nervous, gun goes off, fall into rhythm.

Funny story:  the Tobacco Road is a crushed gravel trail. Basically, this race weekend was the most type B weekend of my life.  I had no idea it was a trail race because I didn’t read the website.  Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have done the race had I realized, but fortunately “trail” meant a nice crushed limestone / hard-packed dirt, tree-lined path.  

The course elevation map looked hilly.  I thought the race was going to be hilly.  Then people told me, no!  the course if very fast and flat!  I have determined that when you have a race in your hometown, you decide it is either the hardest, hilliest race in the country, or the flattest and fastest. Well, this race was neither.  The first 2.5 miles (and subsequently the final 2.5 miles) were moderate rollers, while the middle miles on the tobacco trail were long, gradual inclines / declines.  There were a few areas that were more treacherous than others, but nothing worse than that random gravel path we had to run down at the Trials.  

My plan had been to start at 5:45 effort and make adjustments as necessary.  Fortunately we warmed up on the first mile of the course so I realized that 5:45 effort was going to be significantly slower, because of both the wind and the hill.  My first mile was ~5:52 (I think).  I had overheard eventual race winner talking on the line with someone and make plans to go for 73ish min.  My plan was to let her go, then reassess the situation at 4 miles and figure out what I needed to do to catch her.  Meanwhile, within the first mile it became apparent there was going to be a struggle for second.  A woman was right with me, and surging hard to try and drop me.  

photo cred:  Andie.  Taken ~2.5 mi into the race before the wheels fell off

A big goal of mine this year has been to compete more.  To be honest, I don’t love this situation.  I am very comfortable running alone.  I don’t love to do battle at the time (of course if I come out on top I’ll tell you otherwise).  So, every time she made a surge, I went with her and then put in a surge of my own.  I did this 4 or 5 times before dropping her for good, around the 6 mile mark. Splits that I remember:  3 miles, 17:30, 4 miles:  23:04; 5 miles:  28:50, 6.6 miles:  38:00. The way back was a death march of sorts. I’m not sure what happened. Certainly the way back had more long, gradual climbs, which are not as easy for me as steep hills (they never have been; I think it’s just the way my body is built and the fact that I grew up training in the dunes).  Also, I definitely thought the wind was in my face on the way out, but it turns out it was most certainly in my face after the turnaround (there was talk of a shifting wind conspiracy.  I would have to agree).  

Something I noticed during the race was that I was far less concerned about where I was on the course because my only goal in the short term was to stay in 2nd place. I knew that I was gaining on first, but I was also on the struggle bus myself.  There was a very real feeling at mile 8 of just get through 1k at a time.  

Final finishing time: 1:17:43.  

Am I happy with that? No.  To be honest, I am pretty disappointed.  But, I also realize I am incredibly fortunate to be able to say that a sub-78 minute half marathon is a “disappointment,” especially when I earned enough money to cover a student loan payment, a car payment, and a couple weeks of groceries.  It’s also a matter of perspective.  When I was training for my PR marathon, I ran a 5 mile road race 7 weeks before Twin Cities. I ran 28:45 and was beyond ecstatic with a new PR.  Today, I went through 5 miles in 28:50 and still had 8.1 miles to go.  7 weeks out from the trials I ran 1:17:19 on a course that was flat and didn’t have gravel.  To quote Brene Brown, the middle is messy, but that’s where the magic happens.  

I have had quite a few setbacks recently.  It’s hard to acknowledge setbacks, but also not allow them to let you feel like you’re spiraling out of control.   

My coach reminded me today that I strive way too hard for perfection, when all I have to be is good.

Regardless, I asked Coach Dean if I could set up an appointment with him this week, because I think a mental game tune-up never hurts.  

Even though I consider myself a highly Type A person, I did a whole lot of Type B things this weekend:

-have no idea I was running a trail race

-have no idea what time the trail race started (there was a point in time where I banned myself from running 7 AM races because it requires waking up at 4 AM…)

-wait to get my bib number until the last possible minute, then get stuck running down a highway

-forget to grab my gels when I went to the starting line

The great thing, though, is that none of this bothered me.  I think there was a point in time where I would have freaked the f*ck out if any one of these things happened, let alone all of them.  

So, what would I have done differently?  Absolutely nothing.  77:43 is where I’m at right now.  It’s not the worst place in the world to be, that’s for sure.  I wish I was faster, but all I can do about that is keep working and making the right investments into my training.