#I drew this back in Jan and I had to force myself to finish it

[gen-toon]

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #241: DARK ANGEL!

March, 1984

The Magical Menace of MORGAN LE FEY!

Hey, uh, Morgan. The pink dimension looks like its bad for your skin? You might want to see a dermatologist?

Also, stop squeezing She-Hulk! She’s not a novelty toy and her eyes don’t pop out in any way you’d want.

Oh! The Avengers book has gone from The Avengers to the Mighty Avengers again. Wonder why.

Anyway.

Last time on As the Avengers Turn: The Avengers get a call from San Francisco that Jessica Drew Spider-Woman is in a coma. Also, that Jessica Drew Spider-Woman is a person they know. They’ve forgotten. The whole world has forgotten because Jessica Drew, Spider-Woman had a wizard mind wipe the world of her existence after she went back in time and shoved Morgan Le Fey out of a tower.

Dammit, what is it with spiders and mindwipes??

The ghost of Morgan is keeping Jessica’s mind separate from her body, hoping to get her revenge by killing Jess and then stealing her body to revive herself.

The Avengers call in Dr Strange and World’s Best Biophysicist Hank Pym to help deal with Coma Jess (but not that one) and some of Jess’ friends like Tigra and the Shroud are also hanging around.

This time on Avengers of Our Lives:

Running and shouting in the hospital? Jessica Drew may be at stake but common courtesy is still a thing!

This random assortment of everyone who wasn’t already in the hospital room rushes towards the hospital room but finds that there’s some manner of glowing barrier blocking the entrance.

Doctors and nurses bang on the glow fruitlessly and Wasp joins them in that by blasting it to no effect.

Wasp: “Hmmm, my Wasp’s sting can blow a good-sized hole in any ordinary wall! This is a bother!”

You’ve kinda scaled back from bragging you could blow up a house, Jan.

Tigra goes to scratch the glowing barrier and just falls right through it.

Cue pratfall noise.

After some frightening expressions from She-Hulk, Wasp and She-Hulk figure hey maybe we can just go right through too!

And they doooo!

Shroud feels some resistance from the barrier but when he thinks about how worried he is about Jessica Drew, the barrier lets him through.

Meanwhile, the assorted medical staff still can’t get in hah

Inside, the heroes learn that the barrier was put up by Dr. Strange to keep out medical staff. Those trained professionals will just get in the way.

Scarlet Wanda the Witch also recaps for the people who weren’t in the room what happened last time with Spider-Woman’s ghost trying to reunite with her body but bouncing off and becoming a photo negative. And that if they can’t jam her spirit back into her meat, Jessica will be left a mindless vegetable foreverrr.

Also, Jessica’s vital signs are fading fast and Dr. Strange is needing to put a lot of attention to keeping Jessica’s astral form together.

It will be up to someone else to investigate!

Dr. Strange: “Whatever force is behind this, it must be incredibly powerful!”

Morgan, helpfully showing her entire hand: “Power?! Hah! You cannot begin to comprehend the extent of my  power!”

It will be up to nobody to investigate because Morgan Le Fey is going to just broadcast her involvement, turning Dr. Strange’s barrier into a wide-screen tv.

Morgan Le Fey: “Hear me, mortals -- I am Morgan Le Fey, and I was all but supreme in the arts of sorcery, centuries before you were born! I shall not brook any interference in my quest for revenge upon Jessica Drew... she who called herself Spider-Woman!”

Morgan lays out all her grievances viz being pushed out a window by Jessica and her evil schemes ie stealing Jessica’s body but She-Hulk is She-Hulk and less than impressed.

She-Hulk: “You think we’d let you just waltz in and take over somebody else’s body?!”

Morgan Le Fey: “If you are wise, yes!”

She-Hulk: “No way, sister! And as for striking us down... I’d like to see you try!”

Morgan Le Fey: “Hah-ha-ha-hah-ha! Very well! But first -- let us have a bit of... fun!”

And Morgan summons a bunch of evil beasties and tendrils and pink beads strung together through the portal at the heroes.

Dammit She-Hulk, you antagonized the magic lady!

Dr. Strange blocks some of it but he’s still mostly tied up with keeping Jessica’s soul alive sooooo someone else get on this.

So someone else gets on it. The Avengers and other superheroes leap to fight these random spell effects as they do best. Mostly by punching. And there’s some blasting.

Shroud finds that the darkness he controls seems to disorient the creatures Morgan summoned. Handy!

But they’re just holding the line there and if they keep playing defensive, Jessica Drew is going to die since Morgan is blocking her soul from her body. So they need to take the battle to Morgan.

Thankfully Janet “Magic is a little out of the Avengers’ line” van Dyne has a plan.

The mystical window Morgan le Fey was doing magic through suddenly clouds up with Shroud’s darkness. She blows away the darkness with demon winds, as ya do, but when the winds clear away the darkness, bam, Scarlet Witch, She-Hulk, Shroud, and Starfox!

Morgan turned Dr. Strange’s barrier into a window so he turned her window into a door. Fair’s fair.

And Wanda instantly manipulates the probability of Morgan falling on her ass.

Good.

Starfox flies forward to finish Morgan off but this is page 10 not page 20mumble so Morgan blasts the hapless space idiot.

Morgan Le Fey: “I don’t care how powerful you mortals think you are! I am Morgan Le Fey! No one, not even Merlin himself, could contain me forever!”

Getting punched off a tower and disintegrating was a minor inconvenience!

Meanwhile, everyone who didn’t go through the barrier window door is still in the hospital room fighting off Morgan’s spells because yes she can fight several heroes on the astral plane while also maintaining a bunch of spells in another dimension.

Even Dr. Strange has to admit that she’s very powerful.

We do get a nice follow-up on Tigra’s time on the Avengers though as Captain Marvel’s determination in the face of spooky magic inspires Tigra.

Tigra: Incredible! This stuff has her nearly as spooked as it has me, but she’s working real hard not to show it! Somehow, that makes it easier to fight this stuff! But I still don’t like it!

Wasp assists World Famous Biophysicist Hank Pym as he monitors Jessica Drew’s vitals. No time for post-divorce awkwardness, Jessica Drew is at stake! And at risk of dying soon due to the stress of all of this.

Meanwhile, back in New York at Avengers Mansion, Captain America comes home from his solo adventures. Apparently he hasn’t heard about Vision the Great and Powerful hologram head because he’s confused.

Vision explains and then Hawkeye comes in and explains in smaller words and Cap is like Oh I See.

And then a computer in the communications center explodes. As one doesn’t.

Vision: “I really must apologize for that sudden overload in the monitor systems. It’s nothing to get alarmed about, though!  I’ve rerouted that screen’s functions through a back-up system! No need to worry... I have everything taken care of! Everything!”

Dubious Cap: “Yes... I’m sure you have Vision.”

But Hawkeye pulls Cap away from his skeptical stare to take him to meet Mockingbird.

Vision: That power surge was similar to the one I detected previously -- but this one was even more powerful! The monitor overloaded before I could get a fix on it! But I msut find the source of this mysterious energy! I must! Anything capable of generating such power could upset all of my plans! And that must not be!

Hmm, I’m not sure what that power surge thing is. Could be Secret Wars lurking around the horizon... the time period is right. But more to the point, Vision, ‘that could upset all my plans’ isn’t something superheroes tend to say/think! That’s kinda ominous!

Back over at the A plot, Morgan Le Fey turns into a giant made out of random bits of terrain, as one does when one is Morgan Le Fey.

Morgan Le Fey: “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IN MY DOMAIN! AS YOU WERE ALL FOOLHARDY ENOUGH TO BODILY ENTER THE ASTRAL DIMENSION, I HAVE CREATED MYSELF A BODY WHICH YOU CAN BATTLE... A BODY FORMED FROM THE VERY STUFF OF THIS REALM!”

I don’t appreciate her evil schemes but I admire her energy. She’s villaining good.

Interesting that the cover still gave her ‘made out of random crap’ texture but used her normal colors instead of yellow, orange, and purple. I feel like at that point, just make her look like a normal giant Morgan Le Fey and have it be more representative of what happens than what actually happens.

Anyway.

Forcing Morgan to gigamax means less of her attention is focused on the hospital room which means all her spells there are getting weaker. Unfortunately including the barrier window door which starts shrinking. And unfortunately not including the barrier around Jessica Drew who is now in danger of going into cardiac arrest due to acute soul deficiency.

Dr. Strange decides that now, and not any moment before now, is the time to act. He uses the Eye of Agamotto to make contact with “the captive psyche of the motionless dark angel...”

So there we go. That’s why the issue is titled DARK ANGEL. This one off description of photo-negative Jessica Drew soul.

Personally, I think “The Magical Menace of Morgan Le Fey!” would have made a better title but Roger Stern and/or Mark Gruenwald probably know what they’re doing.

Dr. Strange makes contact with Jessica and empowers her with the Eye of Agamotto.

Jessica Drew, Spider-Woman: “Y-yes, I do feel stronger somehow! But I’m still so... so lost!”

Dr. Strange: “Never fear, Jessica! The light will show you the way home! Follow the light!”

Huuuuuuuuuh. Usually an iffy thing to tell someone in a coma but. I mean. He is a doctor.

But Jessica finds the.... astral winds? Some kind of winds. Which I think represent the barrier Morgan put up to keep Jessia out of her body. Anyway, there are winds and they are too mighty for Jess to make headway against.

AND THEN, MAGNUS.

He roused from Morgan’s sneak attack a bit earlier and now he’s here to narrate his entire backstory.

Because, of course.

Jessica also notes that he looks so pale but he’s the same shade of white as he’s been so I dunno.

Centuries ago, Magnus was but a student sorcerer. Merlin rejected his apprentice application so he became the student and lover of Morgan Le Fey. Because Morgan’s evil. You think she cares about student-teacher ethics?

Magnus was young and in love and convinced himself that all of Morgan’s rants about how much she hated King Arthur was totally not a problem.

And then she found the Darkhold and even Magnus realized ‘oh this isn’t great, is it?’

So he stole the Darkhold, hid it in a tower that those of evil intent could not enter, and then went on the run.

Morgan eventually found him and killed him while he was astral projecting, Magnus having to devise a spell pretty much on the spot to let him continue on as a not-Force ghost.

With great effort, Magnus could visit Earth for brief periods by possessing people. On some of those visits, he met and assisted and fell in love with Jessica.

Magnus: “Jessica, so much that has befallen you has been because of me! Morgan used you to strike at me, even as she used me to strike at you. Yes, and to my shame, I set you ‘gainst her! Because of me, you have existed these past days in a twilight between death and the life you love so much! I have seen people, good people, risking their lives to save you... I could do no less!”

So Magnus uses the last bit of his magic, and his cohesion as a not-Force ghost, to still the psychic winds and let her rejoin her body.

Not bad, Magnus.

You’re still a bit of a creep but good way to go out.

Dark Angel Spider-Woman melds back into Jessica Drew, her vitals stabilize, and she comes out of her coma.

Hooray, Jessica Drew has been undeaded!

In the astral plane, Morgan senses that the Great Jessica Drew Body Caper has been thwarted and she’s miffed.

Morgan Le Fey: “DEMONS OF CHTHON!! MY HOLD ON SPIDER-WOMAN HAS BEEN BROKEN! I CAN SENSE IT! BUT... THIS CANNOT BE!”

And while she’s distracted yelling at nobody in particular, Team Take the Fight to Morgan strikes her good.

Scarlet Witch makes it very probably that a bunch of pink explosions will explode all over her, She-Hulk and Starfox do her some punches, and the Shroud shrouds her face with shrouding darkness.

She-Hulk: “Oh, that jaw is just too tempting a target! Say ‘good night,’ Morgie! You’re gonna be a hit in the landfill business!”

You’re doing great, Jen.

Morgan Le Fey: “You... insolent... WHELP! You cannot defeat Morgan by mere physical might! I shall yet have my vengeance! If Spider-Woman is denied me I shall take your body!”

Ghost Morgan jumps out of giant rock giant Morgan to try to body-jack She-Hulk but Dr. Strange has something to say to that.

He says ‘nah.’

Or more specifically “Flame of Faltine swirl and sunder and turn ‘round this foul exchange! Let yon sorceress stay rock-bound... by the power of Doctor Strange!”

Which. To be honest. Is much cooler.

Makes sense though. He was tied up keeping Jess’ soul together for most of the issue. Not having to do that anymore meant he could slip in and punk Morgan.

She’s less than pleased.

Morgan Le Fey, from inside a giant disembodied rock version of her own head: “You’ll live to rue this day, Doctor Strange! From this day forward I am your sworn enemy!”

To be fair, you two would have wound up at odds eventually anyway if you insisted on being magical and evil so I don’t know how much remorse he’s feeling about thwarting you now. Probably none.

Anyway. Dr. Strange hurries everyone through the barrier window door portal before he runs out of effort to keep it open.

Back in Jessica  Drew’s hospital room, Hank Pym announces the cost of getting uncancelled like she was.

Hank Pym: “The ordeal you went through caused some radical changes in your body chemistry. I’m afraid that your life as Spider-Woman is over... No more sticking to walls, no more venom blasts! From now on, you’re just a normal woman!”

Okay. So, her book got cancelled and she was killed off and written out of memory. Back in June, 1983. But now in March, 1984, that death and so on is being retconned. Jessica gets to be alive again!

So why does she lose her powers?

Well. She failed the sales test. And she was originally created to squat a trademark. And Marvel only puts so much support behind their trademark squatters. If all that matters is that someone is squatting the trademark rather than the character itself, it made more sense to Marvel to cycle through characters rather than supporting something that is losing them money.

It happened to Mar-Vell (death April, 1982) to give us Monica Rambeau instead (August, 1982). And now its happening to Jessica Drew. Her time as Spider-Woman is up because Marvel is just going to try another take on the concept. Julia Carpenter, coming soon.

Of course, you can’t keep a good Jessica down, either. Kind of like when Reed Richards makes any definite statement, Hank Pym’s assertion that Jessica has been rendered powerless is going to be proven not entirely true.

Either way, Jessica is too thrilled to be alive to fuss about losing her powers. She’s going to continue private detecting even if its harder without superpowers!

Hm. Jessica Jones being a rated M for Mature expy of Jessica Drew becomes more and more obvious.

Anyway.

The Spider-Woman may be gone, but for Jessica Drew a bright new life beckons!

Yay!

Follow @essential-avengers​ for Julia Carpenter? Yes, eventually. And maybe sooner than you’d think. Unless you look up dates. Don’t look up dates. Preserve the mystery. Or don’t. I can’t stop you. You’re too strong. Also, like and follow if you like.

[a-day-at-once]

January entries #11 to #20

#11

January eleventh. How weird is it that eleven days ago, I almost didn't make it?

I still haven't told anyone else about that whole event but you, diary. Are you a journal or a diary? I'm not actually sure what the difference is.

I think I'll keep calling you a diary because 'journal' sounds too organized and official. Journals are places where people keep track of the important things in their life and plan their weeks or something shiny and special.

Right this very moment, you're a diary. Sorry to say it, pal.

Hopefully soon, you'll be a journal, and hopefully we're both around the see it.

Today, I worked a morning shift. People are just as inane about their produce at six in the morning as they are at six at night.

When I was stocking the home goods section, I saw the cleaning supplies and they caught my eye. When was the last time I'd cleaned my apartment?

A month? Two?

I thought about what would happen, should I ever get the heart to ask Leo over for dinner or a film or something. There's a good possibility that a dust bunny would swoop out from under the couch at eat him, boots and all.

Ember must be a fierce little thing to have combated them this long, after all.

On my way out from my shift, I picked up a few necessary supplies. I stood in the aisle and took the time to sniff a few things, thinking about how my apartment would soon smell like this or that instead of... Depression den and tinned tuna? I bustled in the door with the goods and Ember scattered, running to hide under the bed. Don't worry, Ember. I want to hide under there, too.

I'd been really letting the place have it for about an hour when I realized I was out of paper towels and figured I'd just stop back in at work to grab a pack and consider getting something that isn't rice and tuna for dinner. I went back into the store and picked up the paper towels, as well as some chicken (which was the special this week, not the damned tinned sausages), some cheese, a can of sauce, and a box of pasta, intending on making chicken parmigiana.

Leo waved me into his line. "I got your note," I opened as Leo began scanning my items. He flushed and I realized I'd come on a bit strong. That's what happens when you only talk to one person all day, and that one person is Susan.

"Did you?" He asked. His voice was about an octave higher than it would've been otherwise, and I gulped and scratched the back of my neck.

"Yeah! I did," I stammered. "Have. Good luck," I continued, veritably frisking myself for my wallet as he finished up totaling the groceries. "On inventory day. Yep."

I swear, in a past life I was a skilled orator. Just... Not this one. "Yeah, great!" Leo said, grinning as he looked back up at me. He peered at the things I was buying as he shucked them into bags. "New year, new you?" He waved a bottle of scented cleaner at me.

"More than you'd think," I said, shaking my head with a morbid laugh.

"Well, have fun!" Leo said, waggling his eyebrows at me. "Here's your receipt!" He handed it over and I marched to the in-store bank to borrow a pen.

I drew him a picture of me, fighting the fearsome dust bunnies in my apartment with a broom. When I went to give it to him, I saw that he was with a customer and slipped out the door.

I stuck it in the windshield wiper and got into my car.

That might actually be for the best, honestly. I don't know if my heart would hold out if I had to watch him take it from me.

Until tomorrow, diary. Maybe I'll wash my sheets and curtains tomorrow...

--hawkwarrd

#12

Today was… a surprisingly good day. It’s Saturday, so I only had a half-day at work. On my walk there, I stopped by the dollar store and picked up a pack of space-themed sticky notes. If Leo and I are going to keep up our little back-and-forth with doodles (which I really, really hope we do, they’ve already kind of become the highlight of my work days), then I don’t need him to be able to glimpse into my sad shopping habits any more than he already has. Plus, this way I can stick them pretty much anywhere without having to worry about finding a way to secure it.

When I got to my locker, there was another sticky note doodle from Leo, this one of the both of us standing back to back, armed with various cleaning supplies and taking on an angry hoard of malicious dust bunnies together.

I’m glad no one was there to see the stupid grin that split my face.

I made sure to stick the doodle in my locker in a safe place before heading in to start my shift. The shift itself was nothing special, mostly restocking with the occasional stint at the register. Leo was in charge of making the soup pyramid to display this week’s soup specials. It inspired the sticky-note doodle I left on his locker before heading home: a cartoon version of him sitting on a throne of soup cans, framed by the phrase “Bow before me, for I am your SOUPerior!”

I hope he likes puns.

As I was walking home past the canal after my shift, I walked past a young woman singing along to the song that must have been pumping through her bright yellow headphones. I was only able to catch the lyrics of what I think was the chorus before she was behind me, continuing on her journey, but what I heard made me pause.

“Give us days to be filled with small rebellions Senseless, brutal acts of kindness from us all”

And in that moment, for the first time in a long, long time, I felt inspired to write something. So, to avoid letting that little sliver of inspiration slip through my fingers like I have so many times before, I pulled out a pen and my sticky notes and started scribbling. It ended up being pretty short, but. I actually kind of like how the little poem turned out.

And it felt… good. To get words onto paper, again. Words that aren’t just my rambling thoughts or daily logs. I’m going to go ahead and copy what I wrote here so that I don’t have to worry about keeping track of the sticky notes. (Plus, my handwriting on them is barely legible considering I was standing out in the cold and the wind as I wrote it.)

with your brass knuckle kindness and determination like a grin, you won’t go down without a fight. you instill hope like a roundhouse kick, blindsiding everyone you meet with a love that’ll bruise for weeks. you plow through each and every day like you’re on a mission, a vengeful vigilante who deals blows in the art of affection. you’re scrappy — all feeling, no form, with fists raised and ready to deliver a punch of generosity so strong it sends them reeling. the force of it leaves your knuckles cracked and bleeding, this bloody benevolence all you have left to give to a world that isn’t willing to fight the way you want it to.

so you bring the battle to them, beating them senseless with your brass knuckle kindness and brutal blows of generosity, each day wearing determination like a grin

I don’t want to hope, but… it feels like maybe, maybe, things might be starting to look up.

It’s time for me to go give Ember her dinner; I can hear her meowing at me in the kitchen. Already so insistent, and she hasn’t even been here a week yet. I already can’t imagine my life without her, though. When did I become such a freaking sap, ugh

Anyways, until tomorrow.

—jadengrace1

#13

Sun, Jan/13

Today’s page begins with a fingerprint of blood on the upper corner. It looked like paint at first (because I finally have that canvas looking like more than a random blob of spread oils) but a look at my finger made it start hurting and pinching it brought out a little red tear of blood in the middle of a cut that wasn’t there before, so. It is blood.

Sorry about that, dear diary.

As if tainting your pages with summaries of days that I almost missed on isn’t bad enough for you. I can’t even recall where I hurt myself, I hardly felt it. Perhaps Ember’s claw caught on my skin when we were playing? Maybe I sliced my own finger while cooking and only just noticed. Or maybe it was you and your thin pages. Paper cuts are a bitch. How dare you hurt me like this.

I guess this makes us siblings via a variation of that idiotic blood oath dumb kids do on recess when adults aren’t looking. To that I say, believe it or not, that you’ve been doing a better job at being a brother than my own brother our whole lives.

He called me this morning, you know? Well, now you do, my silent, inanimate sibling. He called me, but I didn’t pick up; I never do any more. It’s like I started caring more about myself since I cowarded away from suicide, only thirteen days ago. Wow, I really just wrote that, didn’t I. Fuck. For once, though, he didn’t leave it at an unattended call or two; he went to the trouble of texting me. In a short, eloquent sentence, he informed me that he, his dear wife and his loving child would be delighted with my company for dinner.

I laughed with bitterness at those words, flipped my phone down on the table and went back to the beginnings of a new painting.

As if I would fucking go back there.

I have nothing against Paula, the woman is too good for someone like my brother (she always smiles at me as if she knows what’s going on inside my head, and maybe she does because it’s her job to try and figure out minds far more complicated than mine, she is a criminal psychologist after all), and my nephew is… normal. Fairly normal, for a four year old who functions better with a smartphone and a laptop than I do. (Honestly though, I bet he can hack into a small digital system and make it his own, as easily as he rocks through a level of that noisy ding-ding-ding mobile game he’s always playing, without as much as a blink). But again, it has nothing to do with Paula and nothing to do with little Ben. I can’t look at them and attach the word “family”, but I haven’t been able to do that since--

Anyway, it’s nothing to do with them.

You see, the good Reverend feels like I need his forgiveness. He thinks that I ran away from home because of some bad monster inside of me, he thinks I never got over dad and he thinks that I am what I am, that I like who I like because… I have hate inside me, and that I put this hate in here because I hold it against something he did, or something he said at some point.

I don’t honestly get it but I don’t want to understand him either. Not on his terms. And I feel like it’s a little too late for Reverend Nick to try and “fix” me.

I did just fine without him when I moved to this town. I did just fine without anyone.

My writing... has become a little disorderly for today.

- abyssiniana

#14

January Fourteenth

After yesterday, I chose to leave early for work and take a walk along the canal. I wanted to do some people watching, something calming before I had to stand at that register and deal with the unwashed masses.

I generally shy away from the fact that I, too, am unwashed.

I sat at the same spot that I had before for a little over a half an hour, making up stories for the other folk jetting around the town. The text from my brother on my phone taunted me.

My otherwise empty message notifications did much of the same.

I weighed my options as I watched the people of the town.

I could ignore Nick, like I'd done so many times before, and try my best to jam all of that back into the messy suitcase I'd left unpacked in the back of my mind, full of all the other baggage from before. It felt like it was from another person, from another lifetime. Only the call log and the text would have to know.

However, I would know. I would know that I was running away again, even though I'd already ran once.

Maybe running is what I do best. Maybe running is what got me into the mess that I'm in now. I walked to the store, turning those thoughts over and over in my mind. Am I lonely? Would I feel less lonely if I'd talked to my brother, or would all of that just make it worse? Past experiences pointed to the latter, but I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be able to talk to my family. To be able to go to dinners at their house and ask my nephew if he was excited for school and ask my sister-in-law how she'd made whatever recipe. I stole into the breakroom like a wraith, barely noticing the world around me.

The thoughts hammered at the interior of my skull as sure as my heart hammered against the back of my sternum.

Am I lonely? I got to my locker to stow away my jacket and gloves, only to notice a yellow sticky note.

Leo.

It was a cartoon of the two of us, sitting at a table with a cartoonishly large pizza between us.

"Lunch on Thursday?" It read. Leo signed it, like I needed the clarification as to who left the note for me. I folded it and put it in the back of my phone case before taking out my own pad of sticky notes.

I drew myself holding a thumb up with a big grin.

"Sure!" I wrote on it.

I didn't make a decision as to whether or not to call my brother back, but I did decide one thing.

I'm not as lonely as I think.

--hawkwarrd

#15

January 15, 2019

I have no idea how I live like this.

I realized this morning on my way to work that I had forgotten to do laundry again, and it is so overwhelming I wanna scream. Two weeks ago I told myself I’d be better off, just, not existing, and there is no better reminder of the tedium of existing as laundromats.

So, at 4 in the afternoon, after an 8-hour shift, I changed into a hoodie and sweatpants, and placed my laundry basket on my bed, prepared for the inevitable task of cleaning. Ember, in her own way, helped. She laid spread out on one pile of dirty laundry, and then when I picked it up she’d move, miffed, and settle down in a different pile, until after the third time, she moved on to the couch and observed me instead.

Having someone to glare at you was a surprisingly good motivator.

I left her behind though, to lug my basket to my Corolla and drive to the laundromat. I honestly wasn’t sure what to bring to occupy myself, so I just brought you and my sketchbook, but I don’t have any doodling inspiration, unfortunately.

So here we are, in front of the dryers. This particular laundromat is pretty out of the way, and hard to get to if you don’t have a car, which is why I go. It’s less crowded. It’s also the only one somewhat nearby that didn’t have needles in the bathroom or creepy men that sat in the corner and stared at the women that came in. Why do I live in this city I got Thai food from the place next door, (sorry I left a greasy thumbprint on this page), and put my headphones in, experiencing the unique indifference of a bunch of strangers in a shared space. Fried tofu and loud spin cycles and every human being in here at their most authentic self. Girls with no makeup on and hair up in buns, guys in t-shirts from the bottom of their closets, people on their phones in their native language and folding their underwear and melting under yellowing fluorescent lights.

The fact that I have to do this and be an adult for the rest of my life is mind-numbing. I hate that, but everyone here hates it too, so there's that I guess.

But, I have dinner. And clean clothes, and a somewhat cleaner room. And a pizza date on Thursday.

Fuck. What am I going to wear?

I don’t even know. I’ll figure it out. See you tomorrow, dear diary.

--Kearatheshadow

#16

Jan. 16

Forgive me for the language, dear diary, but no fucking way.

I had dumped the clean laundry yesterday in a haphazard heap on the coffee table to fold properly today (Hey, I already had the clothes washed, that's more than enough productivity within a twenty-four hour span), and when I woke up today, Ember had completely made a mess of the stack. Trashed. Ruined. Decimated.

Okay, okay, I kid. The little sweetheart didn't go that far, but she did pull out the furriest sweater from the middle of the stack and decided to adopt it as her bed, knocking over some clothing here and there.

But that's not what my shock is for. No, diary, I witnessed with my own two eyes, Ember's cluttering of my apparel revealed the lost treasures of time:

My Kawaii Sakura Vantasu-chan hoodie.

Like, damn, I could have sworn I lost this thing CENTURIES ago. Who would have known it was just buried under heaps of dirty clothing, crumpled paper, unthrown food wrappers and drop-out depression?

Ahem.

I put on the hoodie to try it out. It was tighter than the last time I wore it (ramen does not do the body any good) but still fit. Sakura's smiling face and vibrant purple hair contrasted with my room's dim lighting and the drab, peeling wallpaper I've been neglecting to replace. She's just as cute as I remember her. I know, I know, I'm a big geek, but I owe a lot to KSV. I still remember when I was younger, running through our old house's door, just throwing my bag and shoes into any old corner and trying to beat Nick to the remote so I could watch what was probably the fifth rerun of the show that day.

The story followed your typical student-turned-magical-girl formula every mahou shoujo anime filled, but the special thing about Sakura was how mundane some of the magic was. How she always turned back the channel right as commercials ended, how she managed to get on the train just as it was about to leave, how she had just enough change to cover that day's lunch.

Otherwise, Sakura was every other dorky kid who never did her homework on time, who was insecure about what her friends thought of her, who found it hard to trust herself, that she could defeat the monster-of-the-day. Several of the show's problems were solved not by a wave of a wand or her familiar Pi's spells, but by Sakura's wit, perservarance and positive outlook: "Things may be bad, but they won't always be."

It was a magic so simple you could believe it was real. KSV was the show that got me into art in the first place. One look at her white dress and big eyes and my elementary self thought, "I want to make something like that too!" My parents assumed it was just little kids doing little kid things, indulging me with crayons and cheap printer paper. I guess they never thought  art would carry on my whole life, huh?

Who would have thought.

Ember yawned exaggeratedly loud as her tail pointed (?) right at the wall clock. Shit. I was late for work. (Guess I got magical familar of my own too?)

I hastily changed to my uniform and rushed to work. I didn't wear the hoodie to work because there's no way I'd want anyone to know I'm a loser who watches anime

Today wasn't a particularly busy day, and I spent the lull between customers reminiscing my favourite KSV episodes. The story, now that I look back at it, wasn't particularly stellar, but the animation quality I still recall was top-tier especially for the year it was made in. It was... inspiring. For the first time in months, I really felt like...

Drawing.

"Hey Susan," I called her over from my register as she was restocking cans of 'Apex Organic Sausages' (which were on sale? Again?) in the nearby aisle. "Your phone has one of those drawing apps, right?"

"Yeah, it's called Drawbot Pro, I think," she called back without looking, focusing her eyes on the tin's Nutritional Facts. Susan wasn't an idiot by any means, but she always fell for those insert-food-brand has been infected with insert-virus hoaxes, so she spent a good portion of the day reading over any new products we stocked.

"Can I borrow your phone?"

"Yeah, yeah sure. My bag's under my register." I took her phone from her bag and typed in her password, which she hasn't changed since we started working here. I really can't believe she would trust somebody like me. Susan's a good friend and I'm glad she would trust me. Her phone wallpaper was a selfie of her and her boyfriend Darell smiling goofily into the camera. Having a boyfriend must be nice

I fiddled with the app's settings and clumsily made some strokes with my finger, pausing only when a customer came by. Her phone had a bulky bejewelled case and two keychains of sheep attached that made it a bit hard to hold on to, but the screen size was wide enough that I could more-or-less make out my drawing with ease.

I spent an unholy amount of time drawing the other eye (curse you, other eye) when I felt Greg tap my shoulder. "Shift's over, Luz. You can go home now."

I looked up and realized it was getting  late, the store empty. Looks like Susan had already left and forgot about her phone. I saved my drawing and made my way to the parking lot where I saw Leo about to get into his car. When he saw me, without warning he struck a ridiculous flamingo-like pose, and I just stood there wondering which alternate universe I stumbled into.

"Things may be bad," he began, and a flash of recognition, overtook me. He swung his arms Sakura-style and in unison, we bellowed, "but they don't always have to be."

We both paused for a moment and then laughed out loud (Glad there weren't any more customers left). "Dude, I can't believe you know that show!" I almost shouted, surprised by how loud my own voice could be. When was the last time I sounded that excited? "Know it? I love that show! I was pretty much spazzing when I saw you drawing Sakura back there! I was gonna ask you 'bout it but you seemed pretty immersed with drawing so I didn't want to bother you. Great art, though."

I stood there grinning like an idiot. Usually, I'd be embarassed to be seen drawing in public, but hearing Leo appreciate not only my taste in anime but my art too felt... nice.

We exchanged a few more words about the show before going our separate ways. "We still on for pizza tomorrow, right?" he asked, and I responded with the signature snappy double-thumbs up Sakura did at the end of every episode.

Let's just say I spent a good amount of the drive feeling giddy to the point I was bopping around the radio music without fear of someone outside seeing me. It feels good, just doing this. Drawing, dancing, talking to friends.

Just... living.

I fed Ember dinner as soon as I came home (And she looked at my peculiar excitement with the suspicious expressions only cats hold) and placed the Sakura hoodie I hastily threw onto my bed on a proper hanger. Well, at least I know what to wear tomorrow.

I spent the evening staring at my finished art. It wasn't perfect, sure: the colouring was all over the place and the anatomy was rusty, brought about by lack of practice, but... I drew something. I made something with my own hands. Something good, something people can and do like.

And that's more than enough.

P.S I messaged Susan online about her phone and she just replied "OH LOL i forgot i gave that 2 u holy shit my dumb ass rly out here thinking i lost it  sorry was in a rush promised darell i'd teach him how to make asserole 2night. *casserole not asserole wtf. just give it to me tomm tnx :)"

- Cordaello

#17

January 17th.

I woke up in a jolt today. I had a dream - a nightmare, you can say. But I don't remember it now. I only remember it made me gasp for air and shake like a leaf. I remember I stared at the ceiling when I tried to calm down, and jumped when I felt something on my leg. But then I felt three little paws trailing from my leg to my stomach, and when I heard a purr getting closer, I finally managed to relax. Ember nuzzled her face against mine and sat on my neck, and eventually just decided to sleep with her chin on my nose. We spent twenty more minutes like this, before I had to get up.

Thank God I adopted that little angelic devil.

I didn't really feel like wearing something impressive today, but then I remembered - I meet up with Leo today for lunch. I can't not be impressive. The very thought of it made me look through my tiny closet for more than ten minutes, put on and take off at least three different outfits. Eventually I went for something simple, but just a tiny bit more elegant than my usual shirt of choice, and on top of it put my uniform. It'll be embarrassing to take extras in the bag and change there (I thought about taking my KSV hoodie but it was too much).

I'm writing my last words this morning to you with my coat on, the bag on my shoulder and this stupid giddiness in my chest.

To be continued. ︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵

It's close to 11pm now. The light from my lamp is warming up my hands, and I can't help but smile.

I'll start from the beginning.

When I got to the grocery store, I found a note in my locker with a small doodle of a pizza inside a circle of sparkles and “thumbs up” signs, and the hour 12:00 written right underneath it.

I was pretty surprised - Thursday is Leo's day off usually. And that note wasn't there yesterday so he must have come here today before I did. Despite my confusion, I laughed to myself and put it with the rest of his notes I secretly keep in there, I wrote a little sticky note back and put it in Leo's locker.

I stepped into the store only to see Leo was there, standing with a cup of tea in his hand. When I asked him why he was here, he said he asked to come today anyways so he could go to lunch along with me instead of meeting me there. I told him he didn't have to, and he said, “I know, but I wanted to.”

I couldn't really argue with that. In fact, he said it in such a way I didn't want to argue at all.

Work went pretty much as usual. It was my turn to stand behind the cash box, while Greg was far in the back of the store, organizing the dairy section, and Leo was pretty close to me in the fruits and vegetables section. It was only when I jolted that I realized I was staring into nothing - but in his direction. I blinked and looked around that no one saw me embarrassing myself, and decided to occupy myself with counting the money we have in the box.

But he did approach me a few times. I told him that the pizza he drew looks tasty, and he laughed with that little shy head-tilt of his. Somehow my eyes always kept on turning him during my shift, every time I heard an occasional fruit falling down or even for no reason at all. I caught him managing to catch some of the falling fruits in mid-air and he was so excited about that every single time it happened. He was mostly with his back to me so he didn't notice I saw him - which is good, ‘cause I felt like a big idiot smiling whenever he did.

The later the hour was, the more customers came in, to the point when I thought to myself, ’why are there so many people in here before lunchtime on a Wednesday? Is there a secret holiday I don't know about?’

Luckily, right before 12:00, Susan tapped on my shoulder and told me I could go and have my break. She even brought her sister’s kids with her to help around. I thanked her more times than I should have, and hurried to go back to the locker room.

Leo found my note and turned to me right when I arrived. “Oh my God,” he told me, “do you have superpowers or something? Your note says ‘look to the right’ and the very moment I looked, you showed up!”

Sadly, I don't have superpowers, but the fact that I impressed him made me more proud than I'm willing to admit.

I took off my uniform’s shirt and stayed with the dark-red one I had underneath. Apparently I wasn't the only idiot out of the two of us that thought about doing this - he changed too, to a galaxy-themed black shirt (you have no idea how good he that looks). We both put our jackets on and brought our wallets and phones, and headed out to the cold. It was grey outside, and looked like it was gonna rain every moment, but it didn't. We walked and talked about silly things until we reached the pizza place (I never felt so comfortable around someone else before. Not even with my own previous friends). When we got in, he got quiet again, and I ordered us a family-sized pizza. I asked him if he was cool with onions and mushrooms, and he nodded in his usual timid way. While we waited for our pizza to get ready, I pulled him to one of the back tables just beside the window, and distracted him with small games, doodling and random questions.

Even after we ate, he somehow didn't get tired of me (the pizza was great by the way. It was our first time there, and hopefully it won't be the last). We sat there and took our time, got to know each other a bit better. I told him about my studies and why I left, told him about my brother but not much (he was cool with that), but I talked about Ember like she was my soulmate. He told me about the dog he used to have in Michigan, about his parents and his two sisters, and how he left and why. His dad was always tough on him, and his mom was basically doing whatever he told her. Leo’s sisters are older than him, and they left home at 18 just like he did. But they always helped, he said. His oldest sister took him in for a while when stuff with his dad went down badly, and the other found him his current apartment and sent him away. They couldn't go with him ‘cause they have their own families, but they promised to visit. I told him I hope they will.

At some point he apologized for talking so much, but to be honest, I could sit and listen to him for hours on end. I got a message from Susan that we could stay out a bit longer, so after we finished our pizza, we strolled outside. Leo saw a sign about a local festival that I didn't even notice (well at least now I know why there were so many customers earlier - there is, in fact, a secret holiday I didn't know about). We decided it'd be nice to go and see what they have, and made our way down the local park.

It was peaceful, at first. The air was fresh and the trees were big and protected us from the winds.

And then, I saw a lightning in the sky. Right after it, a huge thunder literally exploded in the clouds and Leo jumped so high I thought he'd hit a tree. I was concerned at first, but then I saw him laughing and saying, “oh god that spooked the hell out of me!” It was cute, that he laughed at his own fright. I couldn't help but laugh myself - his face was pretty funny.

Heavy rain began falling down and we decided to give up on the festival and try to take cover (the trees didn't help anymore). We held our coats up above our heads and ran back to beginning of the park, where the kids’ playground was. We found shelter underneath the slide and just waited for the rain to end, while we held each other's arms to somehow stay warm.

His hands were warm actually, somehow. Well, warmer than mine. Not as much my lamp’s light is at this moment, but still - it reminded me of him.

When the rain finally calmed and stopped, we made our way back to work, and went to the locker room to dry up.

“I had a really good time,” he told me. As always, he was smiling so shyly, I could feel my heart swell. “Sorry I'm always awkward in public places. But I did really enjoy our lunch. We should do it again.”

I agreed instantly. We got back to work, and the rest of the day went pretty fast. I thought about our lunch break all day, so maybe that's why. Susan and her kids still helped around and sadly I didn't see Leo again until I had to go. But before I went back home, I scribbled one last doodle for him: a pizza decorated with “until next time” on top.

I can't believe my days are getting better. Sometimes it's hard to believe that any of this is real. Sometimes I'm still puzzled - has it really been seventeen days? Can my life really change like that, for the better?

But I also - I dunno. I don't want to ruin anything, or get my hopes up too much. I've never kept in touch with any of my ex-friends. I've never… let myself connect with anyone like that. I have no excuse, really, I'm just a shit friend, but maybe… maybe this time is different.

Leo makes it seem different. And honestly, I really want that. I… God, I feel stupid. Even writing it is hard for me.

Fuck. Never mind. Bottom line is, I had a good day today, Leo was great…

… and now Ember is meowing at me and playfully biting my leg. I'll give her some food now, before she claims my foot as her new treat.

Maybe I'll let him meet her one day.

- hadar

#18

18th Jan 2019

I woke up a little too early today. Just now in fact.

I had a dream I want to forget, but it wasn't like most nightmares I've been having in a sort of irregular frequency. This one was the first. I don’t know what that means but I'm sure of it; it felt like a beginning, though it came from long ago.

My handwriting shakes, but for the silent, uncomplaining witness you are, it must do.

I'm trying to think of a logical way to put the dream but I can't seem to find the common thread that knits what I see and hear and think I feel into a particular plot. I think it's just a mess and the more I think about it the more I seem to add to it, with what I believe it was rather than what it truly was. Before I taint my dream with any further attempt to make it understandable, here goes:

I saw people. Do I know them, do I not, I just don't know. All I know is that their faces are painful to look at, they're all around me and it's suffocating. An arm reaches out for me, open palm, comforting touch until it starts twisting and burning but it pulls me out and I'm back home. Not this shitty apartment, it's my home the home I ran away from because they had nothing but shackles for me. I see a swing in the tree, a trail of rocks that lead to the porch, a hand in mine. Leo...? No, why are you here?! Get out get out get out, you don’t belong here-- you don't get it, he's gonna--  dad…? I'm so sorry... Dad please. I'm here, I'm home, please breathe--

...

I have zero memory of filling the page until this point. Ramblings at three in the morning do that. I'm sorry I filled you up with nonsensical garbage.

... Here's some more useless things. Susan skipped her "good afternoon" in favor of asking for details about yesterday's pizza date. That last word weighs in my tongue, or rather, my pen; a date? Wow. That’s what it was, wasn’t it?

I didn't tell her much. Not because my fluttering heart didn't have anything to say, but because I have a tendency to keep things to myself. Special things.

"Soooooo?"

"So what?" I replied, trying to focus on stacking the sardine cans in a somehow stable tower in the middle of the canned goods aisle, for the 25% promotion the store would hold for the weekend.

"SoOOOoooOo~?" She insisted in a comical sing song cadence, gesturing with her head towards Leo (who was on checkout duty, sneezing into the curve of his elbow before helping an old lady tuck away her groceries into her bag). Thank you so much, I read his lips, a kind smile towards the customer, Come again!

Had he gotten a cold because of yesterday? A slim fit denim jacket with a fluffy neckline looked amazing on him but it wasn't exactly a fitting attire for rain.

I didn't give her any details, though. "It was nice. Pizza was great. We had fun."

She giggled with an excitement I shared but didn't show.

I waved at Leo when his shift ended at five and he came over even though he didn't have to. He said he was tired, but looking forward to the weekend. Said he was going to look around town, and made it suggestive enough to sound like an invitation. I thought I had imagined that, but when I stayed quiet he pressed further, "I mean-- if you want to. You've been here longer than me, and all I know is my way between my apartment, work, and the canal." If he really wanted to learn his way around he could have asked Greg or Sylvia; they were locals and very vocal about their origins. I ended up saying I was free on Sunday, even though I'm free for the whole weekend. He smiled and said, "Good."

"Good." I said back. He chuckled adorably before excusing himself to wipe his freckled, reddened nose.

"I'll be all healed up by Sunday, don't worry." He promised with a snotty voice, and I believed him. I pointed him towards the closest pharmacy and he said I was already the best guide ever before walking through the automatic slide doors of the grocery shop and sprinting to his car, avoiding the rain as best as he could without an umbrella.

I only noticed I was smiling like an idiot, staring through the window as Leo drove away, when Greg playfully locked me under his muscled arm and messed my hair with his large hand. “Your shift isn’t over yet, you seducer. Go help that kind customer, wouldja? She’s looking for textured soy protein down in the bio aisle.”

I untangled myself from that mutant gorilla’s tattooed arms and went to help the lady. After that the day went by pretty fast, Greg let me out early, and here I am. …

For the first time in a few days my mind drifts back to the rope I kept away. The rope that was supposed to be the last piece of jewelry I'd ever wear around my neck.

As my phone rings with an incoming call from a number I wish I didn't know to see, I end this entry with the thought that I have never been so close of using the rope to choke someone else.

I picked up. I shouldn't have, I knew it.

- abyssiniana

#19

Saturday, Jan. 19th. 23:25 (11:25)

  Today’s entry will be short. I don’t feel like writing much.   Sean called last night. I haven’t talked to him in a while – thank God for that – and I haven’t mentioned him because honestly, Sean can just… leave. Die.   Be miserably alone for the rest of his days, locked in a prison cell for all the things he’s done.   Sean destroyed me.   Sean was a reason for leaving.   We met in High School when I was 15. All charm, of course, as they all are. He approached me, asked me to a party I wasn’t going to go to (except after that I was, apparently), and I accepted. I accepted a lot of things from him that I won’t go into. Not on paper, where I can be reminded of him every time I flip through the pages. We broke up when I turned 17 and I told myself I was going to be okay (and now look at me – 19, almost dead: what a New Year’s toast, am I right?). And then Sean, who had the audacity to call me and demand-   Whatever. It doesn’t matter why he called. I’m rid of him. I’ve got Leo now, Susan, Ember, Greg… (who, to be honest, looks intimidating because he’s pretty tall and muscular, but is in fact just a marshmallow with fake cactus needles – I imagine when you’re like that nothing’s really a threat).   Doesn’t mean things are perfect, but hey. I can try.   Maybe.   Or maybe that’s just what I’m telling myself.

  - sher

#20

20th Jan 2019

I am determined to make this a good day, especially with that reminder of Sean two days ago. I’m moving on. Thank you, next.

About sometime yesterday, I realised that Leo and I hadn’t set a place or time to meet for today. I did a lot of frantic stalking on Facebook, searching for his profile, and miraculously, I found it, and we set a place and time to meet. I found his Instagram and Twitter too. His Instagram was filled with nice landscape photography. Maybe he likes photography? I’ll ask him later.

I’ve been wrecking my mind, thinking of places to bring Leo today.  I don’t want to disappoint him. In fact, I’m sitting in a cafe, near our workplace, stupidly early, waiting for him to arrive. Hopefully, I don’t spill coffee over you again, dear diary.

I’m terribly stressed about this. I spent a long time crafting an itinerary, so hopefully, I don’t mess this up for both of us.

I see him walking towards the cafe. He looks fairly nervous, his head bent down slightly and earphones in his ears.

See you later. I’d rather not let Leo see me writing in you, if you don’t mind. It’s so weird that I feel like I owe you, beloved inanimate diary, an explanation.

-------------

Hi. I’m back.

Things…. didn’t really go according to plan. But not in a bad way.

I was planning to show Leo some of the more touristy places, if even you can even call it that, as well as more practical places. The store to get cheap clothes, areas to get cheap but good food, the mall, the movie cinema, you get what I mean. This isn’t a big city, but it isn’t exactly small either.

Leo, walking by side, was always nodding and smiling quietly, listening attentively to whatever I had to say. And we talked… like a lot. I found myself smiling a lot, laughing hysterically along with Leo. We covered a good amount of places, and I’m pleased with myself. I never felt like I had any right to pry, I’ve been avoiding bringing up the topic, but I was curious. So I asked Leo, “Why here? Why choose to move here?”

His shoulders sunk and he sighed softly. “I just wanted a change of picture. Get away from my parents.” He scoffed when he said that. “I used to have big dreams of moving to a big city, like New York, London, Paris. My bedroom used to be covered with posters of city skylines. Now I’m here.” He didn’t continue but didn’t look like he regretted coming here either.

I brought him to the ice skating rink, although I’ve never been. I thought maybe he wouldn’t be that interested in it, but his eyes sparked up with joy when we neared the building. He grinned at me and with the most excited expression I’ve ever seen on him, he asked if we could ice skate. I agreed, I couldn’t say no to him.

As soon as Leo put the shoes on (complaining about how clunky and bulky rental skates were), he glided across the ice, leaving me grasping to the side railings, because I’ve never skated a day in my life. My abs were getting a good damn workout (and my legs are currently screaming in pain right now), because keeping myself upright was the most exercise I’ve gotten in ages.

I fell on my face (ouch), and it was brought (very painfully) to Leo’s attention that I could not skate. So, instead of renting one of those kiddy penguin things that kids used to learn how to skate, Leo insisted on teaching me. He placed my hands in his, (his hands were so warm and comforting) and as he skated backwards, he instructed me on how to skate. Soon after, I could do it, even if I was a bit shaky and I fell a couple more times. Leo looked proud of me after seeing me skate a round, by myself, without using the handrails. I think it was worth it, just to see the look on Leo’s face.

He showed me a couple of skating tricks he learned, and I was very impressed, clapping for him and cheering. I didn’t expect him to know so much. By the time we got out, it was getting dark. I had more on my itinerary but I decided to pass it up. Hopefully, he’ll ask for another time? Maybe I’m hoping too much. I really hope he does. Leo asked if I wanted to go for dinner and I eagerly replied, starving after the whole day out. He paid for dinner, insisting that it was payment for taking him out to show him around.

Before he left, Leo passed me a sticky note, and chuckled as he said, “I haven’t given you my number. Maybe we could do this again.” And I replied, “I hope we do.” When I looked at it, I noticed he drew a little heart next to his number, and I’m dying inside just thinking about what it could mean. I’m a little worried that with his number, our sticky note exchanges at work will come to a stop, but hopefully, it won’t.

Ember is curled up next to me, purring, as I’m writing this. For fun, I texted Leo a picture of Ember, and got in response, a string of heart emojis. Suffice to say, I think it’s a pretty good day. I can’t help but think it wouldn’t have been if I had ended it at the start of this month. Maybe this year will turn out good after all.

- Lena

[thepoetdraws]

i hope this doesn’t sound rude or anything but i’ve been following your art progress for a while and i just wanted to comment on just how much you’ve improved these last couple of years. even though your stuff has always been amazing to me i still feel like you’ve come leaps and bounds from where you started and i’m really proud of you for it. you really inspire me to keep at my own art and i just wanted to thank you for that.

That’s not rude AT ALL, it’s a completely lovely thing to say! Thank you so much. My learning over the past- wow, year and three, four months now? Since I got my wacom? (Think I started around Jan 2017…) Has been a source of a lot of joy for me. 

Here’s more backstory than I bet you wanted (under a cut bc loooong): 

I drew a ton when I was in my teens. I was constantly filling up notebooks, mostly with manga art and little silly cartoons about me and my friends. I wasn’t great, but I wasn’t terrible. I shared them with my loved ones and made them laugh, and drawing made me happy. 

Then I got depressed. Really depressed. My perfectionist tendencies went through the roof and most of my energy went to things that were Absolutely Necessary. I distinctly remember being in my first or second year of uni and dusting off my sketch pad for the first time in months and months- because this used to make me happy, right? I used to enjoy this? And ending in tears an hour later because the lines wouldn’t come out like I wanted and everything looked terrible. It was too frustrating. I didn’t draw a thing for about 5 years. I didn’t write for fun. I did career-building-work-study-related-activities or slept. 

Eventually things got bad enough that circumstances forced me to got help. Nothing happens quickly, of course, but after two-ish years of gradually improving, I woke up one day and… Bought a totally frivolous video game. And played it. Beginning to end. And loved it. 

And then when it was finished, I didn’t want that feeling to end, so I went to look for fanfiction of the game. There wasn’t a lot of it. “Well,” I said to myself, “I guess I have to write it then.” So I did. I sat down and wrote 50,000 words in a month and had more fun than I’d had in years. 

By the time I finished that, ao3 readers had directed me to Tumblr where the Fandom Was Happening, and I got to see the amazing fanart that exists in droves on this platform. “I could maybe do that,” I thought to myself. Part of my brain screeched at me that it would be terrible and stressful, but I wanted to try. 

It came out badly. It looked wrong. But… Then I shared it with an online fandom friend that I had made and they said kind things about it. So I bought a sketch pad and drew another piece. It was a bit better. And another. I got brave and posted a picture of my art. People were friendly again. This is fun, I remember thinking, and this third piece is so much better than my first! 

Three months later, I invested in a tablet. I’d always wanted to try digital art. And then I started this art blog. Every single time I went to post something, I’d have to fight through my JerkBrain wailing at me that it was terrible, that I would look back on it and hate it, and that everyone would laugh at me. I knew intellectually that Practice Is Necessary and you have to first be bad at something in order to become good at it, but try telling that to Depression LOL. 

But you know what? The more I posted, the easier it got. “This one isn’t great,” I would think, “but I like having a record of what I tried to do, and it makes me feel good to have a benchmark for progress later”. People gave me really useful feedback and help or directed me to resources that helped me learn. And most of all, nothing bad happened. I drew something! It was shit! And it was fine. Sometimes things had to be just finished instead of complete, and that was okay. I didn’t have a panic attack. The sky didn’t fall. I just… Drew something that wasn’t great, learned, and moved forward. This shouldn’t be monumental or significant, but for me, it shifted the earth. 

Tl;dr: when people say something like, “wow, you were Not That Great before but you have become Much Better!”, it makes me want to crow with happiness. Because I’m still not that good at art and learning new things every day, but guess what? I can still enjoy drawing. This is a freedom that I was never, ever allowed to have while I dragged myself around under the shitty yoke of depression. 

Let us all go forth and be bad at things!! 

P.S. I still have bad days ofc, but eh, so does everybody. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[theonyxpath]

…all through the Onyx Path house, not a creature is working tho’ lots of games give us wows.

Like W20 Changing Ways, our featured cover this week!

So I mentioned last week that Onyx Path‘s “office” will be closed after today until Jan 2nd. While we could all use the break, and the holidays force a lot of non-work time too, we’re really looking at taking advantage of doing this now because a lot of our publishing partners are taking this time off.

For example, you’ll note in the “At Press” stage below in our weekly Progress Report that we have a fair number of things labeled as “PoD ordered”. That’s because our PoD printing plant is now on vacation. Mid-January and into February is going to be packed with new PoDs for sale!

The truth is, though: we’re really bad at vacationing.

Rollickin’ Rose Bailey says she is taking advantage of the time not spent herding our Onyx cats to work on Cavaliers of Mars, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be using my time to draw up Monarchies of Mau NPCs. Speaking of cats.

Just about every time one of our Onyx Path crew says they are taking time off, they come back with a new idea or something they finished while they were supposed to be relaxing. It is tough when you love what you do to turn off the creative mind.

And also like I mentioned last week, our fantastic freelance creators around the globe will still be working hard on their projects between holiday movie openings and other fun. (At least that’s what I always did as a freelancer).

    C20 Freeholds illustration by Drew Tucker

      The other thing, is that a bunch of us are also prepping for Mid Winter Con in Milwaukee starting Jan 10th (for us), and so we know we’ll basically have a week after we get back and then we’re off to the con. This is above and beyond our usual con efforts, as we’re ending it by staying an extra day and having our Onyx Path yearly summit.

So first, the con itself. Everybody who works on the books from our Onyx Path crew will be there. Impish Ian Watson, Mirthful Mike, Rollickin’ Rose, Mighty Matt McElroy, More Mighty Monica Valentinelli, Fast Eddy Webb, and your humble blog writer myself will be there. Normally, you’d need to go to Gen Con to see all of us, but with the Summit coming we’re all there and it’ll be a great chance to find out just about everything you’ve been wondering about.

Plus a lot of our phenomenal freelancers will be there, we’re doing demos for lots of our games and particularly the Trinity Continuum as that Kickstarter will either be running on close to it, special playtests like for Fetch Quest, the Pugmire card game, and we’re going to be making an extra-special announcement that we think will be a particular interest to the Mid Winter crowd.

    W20 Pentex Employee Handbook art by Steve Ellis

      As for the Onyx Path Summit itself, this is something that we used to do late one night at Gen Con, but frankly, we’ve grown beyond being able to cover what we need to in a few hours after dinner. So we’ll be doing a review of 2017, looking at financials, and generally getting a good feel for where we’ve been in order to move to the fun part of the evening.

That’s planning for how we want to grow and what we’re going to focus on in 2018 and into 2019. And beyond!

Two years ago, the crew surprised me by wanting to focus on shoring up our company processes and we drew up plans for that instead of what cool new game we could create or license. Which is what I had expected them to talk want to about.

This year, we’ll just have to see.

    W20 Changing Ways illustration by Jeff Holt

      We may have some notes about the meeting when the Monday Meeting Notes go up (I expect on Tuesday that week. It happens once in a blue moon.)

But if you want to be involved, please post your thoughts on what you’d like to see us doing, how you’d like to see us do it, whatever – and I’ll bring your comments up for discussion at the Summit.

We will definitely be talking about how to structurally and conceptually continue with our ongoing projects and the stressful necessity of bringing on new game lines and worlds. Because after all:

Many Worlds. One Path.

    BLURBS!

KICKSTARTER:

The Trinity Continuum Kickstarter will go live in January!

  ON SALE NOW:

We’re ringing out 2017 with a bang, giving you some great bundle deals on select Chronicles of Darkness PDFs until the end of the year! Each bundle is on sale for $9.99, which puts them in the 80% off range.

A Chronicle of 2017 includes:

The Chronicles of Darkness 2nd Edition Rulebook

The God-Machine Chronicle Anthology

Chronicles of Darkness: Hurt Locker

Dark Eras: Beneath the Skin (Skinchangers/Demon: The Descent)

A Requiem for 2017 includes:

Vampire: The Requiem 2nd Edition Rulebook

The Strix Chronicle Anthology

Secrets of the Covenants

Dark Eras: Requiem for Regina (Vampire: The Requiem/Changeling: The Lost)

2017 is Forsaken includes:

Werewolf: The Forsaken 2nd Edition Rulebook

The Idigam Chronicle Anthology

The Pack

Dark Eras: The Bowery Dogs (Werewolf: The Forsaken)

The Curse of 2017 includes:

Mummy: The Curse Rulebook

Curse of the Blue Nile Anthology

Book of the Deceived

Dark Eras: Ruins of Empire (Mummy: The Curse)

The Descent of 2017 includes:

Demon: The Descent Rulebook

Demon: Interface Anthology

Flowers of Hell: The Demon Players Guide

Dark Eras: Into the Cold (Demon: The Descent)

      As we try and find ways to enable our community to more easily play our games, the Onyx Dice Rolling App is now live! Our dev team has been doing updates since we launched based on the excellent use-case comments by our community, and this thing is both rolling and rocking! Right now, they’re working on implementing multi-dice and die previews in the store, after adding in a lot of requested upgrades and tweaks, which is going along nicely but is a ton of work. Here are the links for the Apple and Android versions:

http://ift.tt/2zjnD0c

http://ift.tt/2hhT5Fk

Three different screenshots, above.

(The Solar Anima special Dice)

    ON AMAZON AND BARNES & NOBLE:

We’re delighted to announce the opening of our ebook stores on Amazon and Barnes & Noble! You can now read our fiction from the comfort and convenience of your Kindle (from Amazon) and Nook (from Barnes & Noble). Our initial selection includes these fiction anthologies:

Vampire: The Masquerade: The Endless Ages Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: Rites of Renown: When Will You Rage II (Kindle, Nook)

Mage: The Ascension: Truth Beyond Paradox (Kindle, Nook)

Chronicles of Darkness: The God-Machine Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Mummy: The Curse: Curse of the Blue Nile (Kindle, Nook)

Beast: The Primordial: The Primordial Feast Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

  And here are six more fiction books:

Vampire: The Masquerade: Of Predators and Prey: The Hunters Hunted II Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: The Poison Tree (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: Songs of the Sun and Moon: Tales of the Changing Breeds (Kindle, Nook)

Vampire: The Requiem: The Strix Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Forsaken: The Idigam Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Mage: The Awakening: The Fallen World Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

  Andand six more more:

Vampire: The Masquerade: The Beast Within Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: W20 Cookbook (Kindle, Nook)

Exalted: Tales from the Age of Sorrows (Kindle, Nook)

Chronicles of Darkness: Tales of the Dark Eras (Kindle, Nook)

Promethean: The Created: The Firestorm Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Demon: The Descent: Demon: Interface (Kindle, Nook)

  And even more books are now on Amazon and the Nook store!:

Scarred Lands: Death in the Walled Warren (Kindle, Nook)

V20 Dark Ages: Cainite Conspiracies (Kindle, Nook)

Chronicles of Darkness: Strangeness in the Proportion (Kindle, Nook)

Vampire: The Requiem: Silent Knife (Kindle, Nook)

Mummy: The Curse: Dawn of Heresies (Kindle, Nook)

    OUR SALES PARTNERS:

We’re working with Studio2 to get Pugmire out into stores, as well as to individuals through their online store. You can pick up the traditionally printed main book, the Screen, and the official Pugmire dice through our friends there!

http://ift.tt/2w0aaEW

    Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Here’s the link to the press release we put out about how Onyx Path is now selling through Indie Press Revolution: http://ift.tt/1ZlTT6z

You can now order wave 2 of our Deluxe and Prestige print overrun books, including Deluxe Mage 20th Anniversary, and Deluxe V20 Dark Ages! And Screens…so many Screens!

And you can now order Pugmire: the book, the screen, and the dice! http://ift.tt/1pOsnTb

    DRIVETHRURPG.COM:

  With a howl of RAGE, the W20 Changing Ways Advance PDF charges at you this Wednesday on DTRPG.com!

Changing Ways is an in-depth look at what it means to be a werewolf, both on a personal level and as part of a pack. It digs deep into what it feels like to have bones re-knit after breaking, the range of senses available across all forms, and the sudden heady rush of the Gifts and Rites bestowed by spirits. It also provides a look at what life is like for lupus and metis werewolves, characters who have had experiences alien to any person. It shows the many ways that werewolves organize in packs, and how those packs are designed as groups of warriors, rather than aligned to the behavior of wolves.

Changing Ways contains:

• A detailed look at what it means to grow up as a lupus or metis werewolf, and how that colors a character’s perspective.

• More information on what it feels like to be a werewolf, a creature that changes in both body and mind.

• Frameworks and organizations for packs, along with new tactics and systems for forging the pack as part of play.

      Arriving at DTRPG.com this Wednesday, and soon to your tables: The M20 Mage Cookbook!

Food is Life 

We are what we eat. As mages throughout history have realized, the foods that sustain our bodies sustain enlightenment as well. Such foods become extensions of the people and cultures that create them. Now Brother Oliver Lyon, Knight Templar and a humble baker’s son, travels around the world hunting the Fallen and gathering fine recipes along the way.

Enchanting Recipes 

From Mandarin lion’s heads to alchemical booze, Brother Oliver’s collection of delicious recipes spans the cultural realms of Mage’s human world. Among these many culinary concoctions, you’ll find:

Lobster Bisque

Angel Torte

Chicken Nanban

Corn Fufu

Beef Wellingtons

Battenburg Cake

Cannibal Stew, and so much more

Feed Your Body, Feed Your Soul 

The M20 Mage Cookbook is a non-canon but tasty culinary perspective on the world of Mage: The Ascension

        The world of Pugmire comes alive in this full cast audio drama experience “Thank You, Darcy Cat” available now on DTRPG.com! http://ift.tt/2ygOPbl

The police dogs have called Alistair Afghan to discuss the crimes of his valet, Darcy Cat. But this misunderstanding leads to the discovery of a deadly secret deep in the heart of Pugmire society. Will Alistair and Darcy be able to save Pugmire from this threat?

Created by Audioblivious Productions in conjunction with Pugsteady. Check out Audioblivious at http://ift.tt/2jPsQ61!

    We unveil Vampire: The Requiem 2e‘s Half-Damned as an Advance PDF on DTRPG.com!

http://ift.tt/2imeGt5

I love her, she’s family, but I don’t love what she is.

– Antonio Ramírez, dhampir

This book includes: 

• An exploration of what it means to be one of the Half-Damned, dhampir, revenants or ghouls.

• Mechanics for creating Half-Damned characters.

• Information for creating and running chronicles using the various Half-Damned character types, both with vampires and alone.

• Information on Half-Damned antagonists for vampire chronicles.

      Legacy of Lies, the V20 Dark Ages Jumpstart, goes undead in PDF and physical book PoD versions on DTRPG:

http://ift.tt/2k981ql

TWO PRINCES. BITTER RIVALS. AND A COTERIE CAUGHT BETWEEN THEM. 

Marcus Verus, the vampiric Prince of Chester, secretly prepares to go into torpor. Should his plans be made public, the Prince knows the wolves — both real and imagined — would launch an attack, threatening all within his domain.

That’s where you come in.

Legacy of Lies includes:

Basic rules for players and Storytellers

Introduction to the Vampire: The Masquerade Dark Ages setting

Introductory adventure

Characters for players and Storytellers

      Appearing on DriveThruRPG is the Advance PDF for Arms of the Chosen for Exalted 3rd Edition! http://ift.tt/2A0ga4f

Take up the panoply of legendary heroes and lost ages, and awaken the world-shaking might of their Evocations. Before the dawn of time, the Exalted wielded god-metal blades to cast down the makers of the universe. In an ancient epoch of forgotten glories, Creation’s greatest artificers forged unimaginable wonders and miracle-machines.

Now, in the Age of Sorrows, kingdoms go to war over potent artifacts, scavenger princes risk everything to uncover relics of the past, and the Exalted forge great arms and armor on the anvil of legend. These treasures are yours to master.

Discover the mystical power of the five magical materials and the secrets of creating your own Evocations. Wield weapons of fabled might and don the armor of mythic heroes, making their puissance your own. Claim Creation’s wonders: the miraculous tools of the Chosen, living automatons, flying machines, hearthstones, and more. And unleash the mighty warstriders, titanic god-engines of conquest and devastation, to once more shake Creation with their footfalls.

          What dark secrets do the eldest vampires hold? Find out in Thousand Years of Night for Vampire: The Requiem! PDF and physical book PoD versions available on DriveThruRPG.com. http://ift.tt/2sV8lZR

You may think that with a multitude of people coming, going, dying and running away, we’d be tired, done, or ready to give up. Instead, I find myself restless, looking for the next thing.  There’s always a next thing, and I for one am not yet ready to die.

– Elder Kincaid, Daeva Crone

This book includes:

• Detailed instructions on creating elder vampires, including how to base chronicles around them

• A look into the lives of elders, how they spend their nights, who they work with, and why including their roles in both their clans and covenants

• New Devotions, Merits, and Rituals for elder vampires

• The kinds of creatures that pose a threat to elder vampires, including Inamorata, Lamia, Sons of Phobos, a new elder conspiracy, and more!

      Is a life of running and hiding a life worth living? We say yes. There’s always something between the running and the hiding, and those moments of grace make it all worthwhile.

The Huntsmen Chronicle Anthology is a perfect companion piece to Changeling: The Lost, 2nd Edition. These stories spin tales of the Lost, of those abducted and enslaved by fairies. Those who escaped, but whose captors will stop at nothing to find them. These fairies summon forth the Huntsmen, primordial hunters who understand nothing but pursuit and capture. The Huntsmen are unstoppable monsters, and the Lost can only look to each other for respite, rare comfort, and rarer trust.

The Hedge has parted and you can get the Advance PDF of The Huntsmen Chronicle Fiction Anthology for Changeling: The Lost 2nd Edition at DTRPG.com! http://ift.tt/2z4uZnU

          A Land Where Legends Walk

Drawing enthusiastically on Greek mythology, the revised and re-imagined Scarred Lands nonetheless retains its place as a modern fantasy RPG setting. This is a world shaped by gods and monsters, and only the greatest of heroes can expect to be counted among them. The most populous continent of Scarn, Ghelspad, plays host to vast unexplored regions, hides unsolved riddles from ancient cultures, and taunts adventures with the promise of undiscovered riches hidden among the ruins of older civilizations.

Yet the myths of the Scarred Lands are relatively recent events. The effects of the Titanswar still ripple through the world, and the heroines and villains of many of these stories are part of living memory, if not still living.

The Award-Winning Fantasy Setting Returns

Scarred Lands has been a favorite fantasy setting since the release of the Creature Collection for the d20 System in 2000. In subsequent years, over 40 titles were published for Scarred Lands, making it one of the most fully supported fantasy RPG settings ever and the premiere product line of Sword & Sorcery Studios.

Available in both 5th Edition and Pathfinder compatible versions! PDF and PoD formats available NOW!

http://ift.tt/2fEO9YJ

http://ift.tt/2fELqyx

      CONVENTIONS!

Midwinter Game Convention in Milwaukee, January 11-14 is going to be on us soooo fast after we get back. It’s where we’re going to be bringing a big crew of many of your favorite Onyx Path designers and we’ll be running demos and making some special announcements at the show!  http://midwintergamingconvention.com

    And now, the new project status updates!

DEVELOPMENT STATUS FROM ROLLICKING ROSE (projects in bold have changed status since last week):

First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep)

M20 Gods and Monsters (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

M20 Book of the Fallen (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

C20 Novel (Jackie Cassada) (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Deviant: The Renegades (Deviant: The Renegades)

CofD Contagion Chronicle (Chronicles of Darkness)

Guide to the Night (Vampire: The Requiem 2nd Edition)

M20 The Technocracy Reloaded (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

  Redlines

They Came From Beneath the Sea! Rulebook (TCFBtS!)

  Second Draft

WoD Ghost Hunters (World of Darkness)

Tales of Good Dogs – Pugmire Fiction Anthology (Pugmire)

Monarchies of Mau (Monarchies of Mau)

Hunter: the Vigil 2e core (Hunter: the Vigil 2nd Edition)

  Development

Signs of Sorcery (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)

SL Ring of Spiragos (Pathfinder – Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

Ring of Spiragos (5e – Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

Scion: Hero (Scion 2nd Edition)

Trinity Continuum Core Rulebook (The Trinity Continuum)

Trinity Continuum: Aeon Rulebook (The Trinity Continuum)

GtS Geist 2e core (Geist: the Sin-Eaters Second Edition)

Night Horrors: The Tormented (Promethean: The Created 2nd Edition)

  WW Manuscript Approval:

Exalted 3rd Novel by Matt Forbeck (Exalted 3rd Edition)

  Editing:

Ex Novel 2 (Aaron Rosenberg) (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Kithbook Boggans (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

The Realm (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Scion: Origin (Scion 2nd Edition)

  Post-Editing Development:

Changeling: the Lost 2nd Edition, featuring the Huntsmen Chronicle (Changeling: the Lost 2nd Edition)

Dragon-Blooded (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Pan’s Guide for New Pioneers (Pugmire)

  Indexing:

    ART DIRECTION FROM MIRTHFUL MIKE:

In Art Direction

Cavaliers of Mars – New art getting assigned.

Ex3 Monthly Stuff

Scion Origins

Ring of Spiragos – Got Rich’s cover in.

Changeling: the Lost 2

Trinity Continuum – Seeing sketches.

Ex3 Dragon Blooded – Sketches are coming in left and right…

Pugmire – Pan’s Explorer’s Guide (or whatever) – Syme is almost done with the splats.

Boggans – Reviewing art notes and figuring out the art buy.

  Marketing Stuff

  In Layout

Pugmire/Scarred Lands Community Content – working on the logo.

Book of Freeholds – With Mark

DtD Enemy Action – With Josh

Pugmire Fetch Quest – Playtesting samples ordered hopefully in time for MidWinter.

Pugmire – Vinsen’s Tomb – Notes are out. Need to input the changes on the first proof

Wraith 20 Screen 

  Proofing

Wraith 20 – Making fixes from WW.

Beast PG

  At Press

Beckett Screen – Shipped to shipper.

Scarred Land PGs & Wise and the Wicked PF & 5e – To fulfillment shipper. PDF and PoD physical book versions on sale at DTRPG.

Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition) – Deluxe Edition cover and Screen in the works. Waiting for Deluxe cover and the Screen proofs this week.

Prince’s Gambit – Setting up files for printer.

CtL Huntsmen Chronicle Anthology  – PoD Files uploaded and processing.

V20 Beckett’s Jyhad Diary– PoD proofs ordered.

C20 Ready Made Characters – Errata fixing.

Ex 3 Arms of the Chosen – Errata fixing.

Pugmire Artisan Cards – PoD proofs ordered.

Pugmire Shepherd Cards – PoD proofs ordered.

Pentex Indoctrination Manual – PoD files uploaded and processing.

VtR Half Damned – Out and errata gathering.

W20 Changing Ways – Advance PDF on sale this Wednesday at DTRPG.com.

  TODAY’S REASON TO CELEBRATE: With this being our last full day of work this year, we’re gonna raise a toast to the year that was… talk to ya next year.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

This guy quit his job to become a full-time banana artist

Historically, bananas have had just two main uses: 1) a source of nourishment, and 2) a handy way to spin rival plumbers off course in a go-kart race.

As it turns out, though, there's a third use. 

SEE ALSO: This man makes amazing surreal animations from famous artwork

For the past six years, 39-year-old Stephan Brusche from Rotterdam, the Netherlands, has been turning them into works of art.

Look who's back... #AgentCooper #TwinPeaks #fruitdoodle

A post shared by Stephan Brusche (@isteef) on May 22, 2017 at 10:23am PDT

🐢#WorldTurtleDay #fruitdoodle #turtle (shoutout to @turtlewayne)

A post shared by Stephan Brusche (@isteef) on May 23, 2017 at 5:20am PDT

💀 Oh, there's an empty place in my bones that calls out for something unkown #JackSkellington #TheNightmareBeforeChristmas #TimBurton #fruitdoodle

A post shared by Stephan Brusche (@isteef) on Sep 30, 2016 at 7:46am PDT

Brusche uses a combination of toothpicks, a knife, and a ball-point pen to transform his bananas. The whole process — from sketching out an idea to sharing it online — takes two to three hours.

You can see the stages broken down in the video below:

Cologne @visit_koeln my fourth and final video of the #urbanana project from @deinnrw #fruitdoodle

A post shared by Stephan Brusche (@isteef) on Jan 18, 2017 at 5:32am PST

"I draw on the banana with a regular ballpoint pen," Brusche explained. "After that I strategically cut away pieces of the peel to give it a more 3D look and feel. To hold pieces of the peel up I stick toothpicks in the banana behind the peel. Sometimes I also use paint."

When the banana's ready he snaps it on his iPhone, adds a filter and uploads it to his Instagram account.

🐙 #fruitdoodle #octopus

A post shared by Stephan Brusche (@isteef) on Nov 14, 2015 at 4:51pm PST

Khaleesi • I made it, here is my final #drawlloween & #inktober piece! #dragon #daenerystargaryen @emilia_clarke #gameofthrones @gameofthrones #khaleesi #fruitdoodle

A post shared by Stephan Brusche (@isteef) on Oct 31, 2015 at 5:47pm PDT

Sunday #recharge #fruitdoodle

A post shared by Stephan Brusche (@isteef) on Apr 2, 2017 at 5:33am PDT

Brusche tumbled into the world of banana art almost by accident.

"My wife had been pushing me to use Instagram for awhile, saying it would be great for promoting my illustrations and comics I'd been doing in my spare time alongside my work as a graphic designer," he explained. 

One day during his lunch hour, he decided to try it out. As he was in the office, though, interesting photograph opportunities were tricky to find.

"I then noticed I still had a banana left from lunch and figured it would make a fun picture if I just drew a little happy face on it," Brusche said. "I discovered how pleasant it actually is to draw on a banana — there is just something about how smooth the ballpoint pen flows on the structure of the banana peel. 

"I made another 'fruitdoodle', as I like to call them, the next day. One with a grumpy face, for balance sake. And after that I just kinda challenged myself to see what else I could come up with to draw on a banana, and I never stopped since."

After awhile, Brusche noticed that his banana art was getting more likes and attention than his other work. From then on, he began to focus on it more and more.

🐙🌎 World Domination 🍌🍈 #collab with @scuruchi when we met in #Rome #fruitdoodle

A post shared by Stephan Brusche (@isteef) on Aug 18, 2016 at 6:33am PDT

Pongo #101dalmatians #fruitdoodle

A post shared by Stephan Brusche (@isteef) on Mar 20, 2017 at 9:08am PDT

🏄 Since it's #InternationalSurfingDay 🍌🌊#fruitdoodle #gnome #bloodygnomes #surfing

A post shared by Stephan Brusche (@isteef) on Jun 20, 2016 at 4:17pm PDT

Brusche's Instagram page is filled with hundreds of "fruitdoodles" — mostly they involve bananas, but a few — like the "pearguin" and the creepy homage to It below — bring in other fruits, too.

My Pearguin again, because it's #worldpenguinday today! 🐧🍐#penguin #pear #fruitdoodle

A post shared by Stephan Brusche (@isteef) on Apr 25, 2017 at 5:48am PDT

🎈Loved this bit of the new trailer #IT #ITMovie #Pennywise #BillSkarsgard #StephenKing #cherrytomatoes #foodart pic.twitter.com/ffMpHKY9lG

— Stephan Brusche (@iSteef) May 12, 2017

When we asked Brusch for his favourite banana creations, he listed the following three: "The Creation of Adam", "Fishbone" (which he describes as a "turning point" for him) and "Marilyn Monroe":

This is a detail from #TheCreationOfAdam. A #fresco painting by #Michelangelo, which forms part of the #SistineChapel's ceiling, painted c. 1508–1512. It illustrates the #Biblical creation narrative from the Book of #Genesis in which God breathes life into #Adam, the first man. Some personal thoughts. For me God didn't only give life, but also the gift to be a creator. To be creative. As we are made in God's image it makes sense to me. And it drives me to be as creative as I can be. Also, when I look at Gods creation, nature, animals, space, it's full of wonder and uniqueness. Not one thing is exactly the same, not even snowflakes. It's one big testimony of diversity. So it's okay to be different, because everyone is suppose to be different. #fruitdoodle #biblebanana

A post shared by Stephan Brusche (@isteef) on Mar 30, 2017 at 9:08am PDT

🍌 Fishbone • This #fruitdoodle was actually one big fail at first. I had drawn a fish on the banana and it was just a mess. I did liked how the head of the fish turned out, so I went on to tried to sort of save save it from this mess. I removed the banana peel between the head and the end part, thus also removing the failed part. And by doing so it looked like I was skinning a fish. And that triggered the idea to somehow create the bones of the fish. So I started cutting away pieces of the banana to create the fish skeleton. And the result was a 1000 times cooler than it would have if I didn't messed up my original idea! And in the proces I discovered my very own unique style of #bananart. As a bonus this was the first piece of #fruitart of mine that was picked up by a major art account: @hifructosemag on @instagram. After that I used this new found method on all my new #fruitdoodles and six months my work went viral! The moral of the story I guess is; it's good to mess up sometimes so you are forced to use a different approach. #nevergiveup

A post shared by Stephan Brusche (@isteef) on Nov 6, 2016 at 10:52am PST

Marilyn Monroe #fruitdoodle #marilynmonroe #thesevenyearitch

A post shared by Stephan Brusche (@isteef) on Jan 3, 2015 at 7:06am PST

Over the past few years, Brusche has built up around 52,000 followers on Instagram. He's now quit his full-time job as a graphic designer to focus on his artwork.

"I'm getting more and more projects and it became harder and harder to combine it with my day job," he explained. 

"So I made a radical decision to commit 100% to my banana art."

Oh, and if you were wondering what he does with the bananas after he's finished, don't worry: they don't go to waste.

To answer the most asked question; yes, I do eat them afterwards. 😋 #fruitdoodle #giraffe

A post shared by Stephan Brusche (@isteef) on Feb 20, 2017 at 6:21am PST

You can see more of Brusche's work on Instagram, Twitter, and his website.

WATCH: Artist 3D prints porcelain pieces and it's mesmerizing

[cathygeha]

REVIEW:

Romancing the Scot by May McGoldrick

The Pennington Family #1

 Goodness me! This was a book well worth reading! I am so glad there is a new series by this excellent husband-wife writing team! I could not stop reading once I began and even with a house to clean, menu to plan and guests arriving tomorrow – I had to finish this story and write the review tonight!

 I can’t imagine being seeking refuge from certain death only to find myself locked in a box and transported for days without food, water, light or hope of getting free. The fact that Grace emerged from what must have felt like a coffin without losing her mind is a testament to her strength of both body and mind. She continued to shower strength throughout the book and what strength it was whether applied to getting well, used in self-defense or determining what tack to take next – she was an impressive person that I wouldn’t mind calling friend.

Hugh Pennington was shocked when he found Grace inside of a box he expected to contain parts for a balloon he planned to fly. Her status was near death and his action quick in finding help and someone to help her survive – if at all possible. With his employees, sister and a doctor to assist things were tough and go but…Grace did have a fighting chance.

 This is definitely a romance with intrigue, spies, danger, death and a whole lot of history that I found fascinating. I didn’t know Napoleon had a brother and didn’t realize that the Irish immigrated to Scotland. I was fascinated by some of the legal cases mentioned and references to the wars that were fought. I was reminded of bigotry and how it has reared its ugly head throughout the ages. I loved Hugh’s sense of fairness and responsibility as well as his gentle but masterful touch. I found Grace to be a woman to emulate. I found Jo’s situation sad and am happy to know that her turn for a second chance at love and happiness will arrive in book two. I have read other books by this author and loved each one. This book was rich and complex and a delight to read.

 Thank you to NetGalley and St. Martin’s Press for the ARC – This is my honest review.

 5 Stars

ROMANCING THE SCOT

by May McGoldrick,

E-Original published by Swerve

Publication Date: November 14, 2017

ISBN: 9781250166906

Price: $3.99

 Description

In this stunning series starter by USA Today bestselling author May McGoldrick, meet the new generation of Penningtons...five brothers and sisters of passion and privilege. Enter their aristocratic world…where each will fight injustice and find love.

 Hugh Pennington—Viscount Greysteil, Lord Justice of the Scottish Courts, hero of the Napoleonic wars—is a grieving widower with a death wish. When he receives an expected crate from the continent, he is shocked to find a nearly dead woman inside. Her identity is unknown, and the handful of American coins and the precious diamond sown into her dress only deepen the mystery.

 Grace Ware is an enemy to the English crown. Her father, an Irish military commander of Napoleon’s defeated army. Her mother, an exiled Scottish Jacobite. When Grace took shelter in a warehouse, running from her father’s murderers through the harbor alleyways of Antwerp, she never anticipated bad luck to deposit her at the home of an aristocrat in the Scottish Borders. Baronsford is the last place she could expect to find safety, and Grace feigns a loss of memory to buy herself time while she recovers.

 Hugh is taken by her beauty, passion, and courage to challenge his beliefs and open his mind. Grace finds in him a wounded man of honor, proud but compassionate. When their duel of wits quickly turns to passion and romance, Grace’s fears begin to dissolve…until danger follows her to the very doors of Baronsford. For, unknown to either of them, Grace has in her possession a secret that will wreak havoc within the British government. Friend and foe are indistinguishable as lethal forces converge to tear the two lovers apart or destroy them both.

EXCERPT:

Romancing the Scot by May McGoldrick

Looking the shipping crate over for damage and seeing none, he retrieved an iron crow from a workbench. Jo was standing inside the doors, eyeing the box doubtfully from a safe distance.

“Come closer. It won’t bite.”

“Not a chance. From the smell of that thing, a person would think you’re importing cadavers. Have you also taken up being a Resurrectionist as a hobby?”

He patted the crate affectionately. “This sweet thing has been sitting in the bowels of a ship from Antwerp. You know what the hold of a ship smells like?”

“Actually, I don’t.” She held a handkerchief to her nose and drew closer. “But I think you’re correct with the reference to ‘bowels.’”

Hugh took the first nail out. “Well, stand back, since you’ve become so prissy. Though I recall a younger version of you leading the rest of us through bogs and marshes that smelled no better.”

“Of course! But as I recall, we had frogs and turtles and the occasional dragon that needed hunting,” she replied with a smile. “Very well. Open it and let’s see this treasure of yours.”

Prying off the top took him only a moment. Throwing it to the side, he pulled back the tarp that covered the basket and then stared curiously at the dark green rags bundled at the bottom.

Leaning in, Hugh’s enthusiasm evaporated as a horrid realization settled in. This was no pile of old clothing. A shock of blond hair. A shoe. A hand. The body of a dead woman lay curled up in the gondola.

“Bloody hell.”

“What is it?” Immediately, Jo was at his side. “Good God!”

Hugh climbed in and crouched beside the body. He took her hand. She was cold to the touch. His heart sank. The crate had been shipped from Antwerp. To be trapped for so many days with no water, no food, in the cold and damp of the ship’s hold. He had no idea who this woman was or how she came to be in here.

The thought struck him. Perhaps it wasn’t an inadvertent act. Perhaps she was murdered and her body had been dumped into the crate.

Dismay and alarm clawed at him as he pushed away the matted ringlets of golden hair. She was young. He lifted her chin. The body had none of the stiffness of postmortem. He stared at her lips. He may have imagined it but they seemed to have moved.

“Bright . . .” The whisper was a mere rustle of leaves in a breeze.

The fingers jerked and came to life, clutching at his hand.

“She’s not dead,” he called to Jo, relieved. “Send for the doctor. I’ll take her to the house.”

His sister ran out, calling for help, and he lifted the woman. She emitted a low groan. Her limbs had been locked in the same cramped position for so many days. Hugh propped her over the side of the gondola.

“Stay with me,” he encouraged. “Talk to me.”

Holding the woman in place, he clambered from the basket and then gently lifted her out, cradling her in his arms. She weighed next to nothing.

As they went out into the rain, he feared she was about to die. The exertion of trying to breathe showed on her face. He’d seen this on the battlefield. The final effort before death.

Starting up the path, he stumbled, not realizing the woman’s skirts were dragging on the ground. He staggered but caught himself before they went down. Her head lolled against his chest, her face gray and mask-like. She appeared to be slipping away. It would be a shame that she’d survived the crossing only to perish now.

A dagger point of anger pierced Hugh’s brain as he recalled another dismal day when he’d lifted two other bodies, wrapped in burial shrouds, from a wooden box.

“Talk to me,” he ordered. “Say something.”

As he made his way up the hill toward the house, a bolt of lightning streaked across the sky above Baronsford. Thunder shook the ground and the sky opened, unleashing fierce torrents of rain on them.

His wife. His son. Hugh hadn’t been there for them. They’d died as he and the British army were being chased by the French across Spain. He’d been trying to save his men’s lives, not knowing that those most precious to him were suffering.

“You’ve survived a horrifying ordeal. Give me the chance to save you.”

The woman struggled weakly in Hugh’s arms, and her head tipped back. He watched as her lips parted, welcoming the wetness of the falling rain.

“We’re almost there.”

“Bright . . .” she murmured.

He looked into her face and saw she was trying hard to open her eyes.

“Yes, brighter than that crate,” he said, encouraged by her effort. Any movement, however small, gave him hope. “And you’ve been in there for Lord knows how long.”

  Author Bio

Authors Nikoo and Jim McGoldrick (writing as May McGoldrick) weave emotionally satisfying tales of love and danger. Publishing under the names of May McGoldrick and Jan Coffey, these authors have written more than thirty novels and works of nonfiction for Penguin Random House, Mira, HarperCollins, Entangled, and Heinemann. Nikoo, an engineer, also conducts frequent workshops on writing and publishing and serves as a Resident Author. Jim holds a Ph.D. in Medieval and Renaissance literature and teaches English in northwestern Connecticut. They are the authors of Much Ado About Highlanders, Taming the Highlander, and Tempest in the Highlands with SMP Swerve.

 Author Links

Website: www.maymcgoldrick.com

Facebook: www.facebook.com/MayMcGoldrick

Twitter: https://twitter.com/MayMcGoldrick

 Buy Links

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0746MLYFZ

B&N: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/romancing-the-scot-may-mcgoldrick/1126839723

iBooks: https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/isbn9781250166906

Kobo: https://www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/romancing-the-scot

Google Play: https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=7v8tDwAAQBAJ