#I dont actually remember most of what I wrote this morning only at midnight really

[usamingif]

How do I get into THE IDOLM@STER?

...is a very frequent question we idolmaster fans get!

I recently got a message from someone asking me if I could make a post answering this question, and I said I would try. I'm very bad at explaining things, but idolmaster is my biggest special interest, and I am always really happy to try to get people into it.

Before we start, I want to remind you that Idolmaster has no localization. All translations are fanmade. Please remember to support translators. I'll leave as many resources as possible. If you have any translators or sites you'd like me to mention, please let me know.

If you're willing to try and get into it, please open the readmore. I wont only be including Cinderella Girls, I'll try to include every branch.

How do I get into THE IDOLMASTER Cinderella Girls?

Alright, I know I said I wouldn't only be including CG, but this is still a deresute gif blog. I know what most of you are here for.

Cinderella Girls is a huge branch. There's 190 idols. I see some people backing out when they realize this, but I don't think that should discourage you! With that many idols, you're guaranteed to find someone for you. And please, just because you think the voiced girls are more worth your time, please check out the unvoiced ones as well.

Alright, but how do you get into it?

There's a lot of Youtube channels that translate different commus from it. From card lines, to memorial commus, to entire events. Simply search "deresute translation" if you'd like. HNKM_days on Twitter also translates most of the events as they come out.

CG's music is great! there's tons of uploads on soundcloud. My soundcloud playlist has about 200-ish songs. You can find a bunch by just searching "idolmaster".

To find more information on a song, search it up on project-imas.

Project-imas is *the* best idolmaster resource I can think of. It's entirely in English, it has every single song, CD, card — anything you can think of. I use it everyday of my life, which might sound sad but I assure you it isn't. Probably.

How do I get into THE IDOLMASTER Million Live?

Sankyuu ML subs on YouTube does a great job at translating mirishita related content! Another personal note I wanna add is that million live has an amazing discography, and full versions of pretty much every song are on Spotify. Even tho the cast is way smaller than Cinderella Girls, there's still a lot to love about the branch. I dont play Mirishita as much as I do some of the other games, but I still consume lots of content from it and it's a lovely branch I definitely recommend you get into. As of writing this post, Mirishita is celebrating it's 6th anniversary! It's a good time to download the game. Remember, you will need a Japanese VPN or Japanese Apple ID to play it. This goes for every imas mobile game.

How do I get into THE IDOLMASTER SideM?

Well, this is where we're gonna have to start getting into the thorny dark side of being an idolmaster fan. SideM is a great branch which I absolutely adore, and all of it's producers are so passionate about it, however.. Bandai Namco has never been kind to it.

This year, it was announced that it's only current running game, THE IDOLM@STER SideM Growing Stars, will be ending it's service. This was extremely sudden, and hard for everyone to handle. This means that there will basically be no way to properly produce the idols. SideM won't fully die, with there being lives and such, but producing the idols is such a big part of this franchise. I don't want to make this post gloomy out of nowhere, I swear. It's just a bit touchy for now.

There's a huuuge translation masterdoc for SideM, if any of the units or characters catch your eye from the project-imas wiki page on SideM, I suggest you search for whatever idols intrigue you most in the doc. As well as the doc, you can search up "#sidemTL" on Twitter for more translations not on the doc. There's so much to love about every unit and idol, I swear it's worth your time! Even tho it's current state might steer you away, I think it's important to still appreciate the branch for what it is. Oh hey, SideM's discography is also on streaming services! Please stream Piece Montee and Secret Ornament.

How do I get into THE IDOLMASTER Shiny Colors?

Here's ones that's been gaining traction! Luckily, it's actually a pretty accessible branch to get into, if you're willing to download the English patch. The gameplay might seem complicated and scary at first, but even that has tons of guides. I think a lot of this post is motivated by my emotions on the franchise, and I'm sorry about that, but I really mean it when I say the writing is incredible.

You can play Shinymas on your web browser here. If you search up "Shiny colors English patch" on google, you can download it using the instructions. If you're still hesitant on playing for whatever reason, you can read episodes recorded in the English patch on YouTube. I'm not exaggerating when I say the writing is amazing.

p.s if you dont care about that then I should let you know there's unlimited free ten pulls when you start the game

How do I get into the original idolmaster games? (765AS + Dearly Stars)

If you specifically want to get into the console games, there's English roms and translations of routes on Youtube, as well. Dearly Stars is currently in a very weird state, tho. You see, the 765AS girls are all in Million Live, and there's a lot of consolemas games they appear in. But for Dearly Stars, there's only one game. Which is, well, Dearly Stars. And 2/3 of the Dearly Stars just.. havent gotten content since?

I think that it's still a game you should check out, tho! There's not a single bad song in it, and even tho 3 idols might seem like an underwhelming number, they're all brilliant and very lovable. As with a good chunk of consolemas games, there's Dearly Stars translations up on YouTube! A really dedicated RyoP posted them all and I am eternally grateful to them for it.

Alright, phew. I wrote half of this at 11 am and procrastinated for a few hours then wrote more at midnight. Remember that project-imas is an insanely good resource and I encourage you to tell me if I should add more things onto this post. 100% of this post was made off the top of my head and based off of my own experience with the games. I want to mention that there's also a channel called "アイマスSUBS" that covers all the branches in terms of translations, and they've got a bunch of those. Have fun, producers!

[vancilocs]

Im gonna throw some words and see what inspires you, no need to complete all, i know i dont have anything worth publishing for hands but i got a grand idea for sunrise. Beloved, mercy, mightnight? (Again no need to write all)

midnight is smth i wrote a little while ago that i figured i would never publish bc i think it's Bad but oh well (does it fit the prompt perfectly? nah not really but night is an element)

Beloved

The night was harsh and the wind bitter cold. The woman bundled her delicate quarry tighter into the furs, protecting him from the elements, as she made her slow but meticulous way forward with her companion. The taller man held aloft a persistent torch that battled against the wind, bringing some clarity to the path ahead. Not too long after two others joined, coming to greet the travelers from the other direction.

A few pleasantries were shared, quick and hushed. The mission was dire, and delicate. The taller man followed as the two newcomers lead the woman further, to the door of a solitary, silent hut. The man and the locals stayed outside as the woman quietly cracked the door open and stepped in.

The house was cold and dark, but in there was safety from the whistling wind. The woman brought up light with her own magic and the small bundle in her arms stirred, making some small noises. She shushed the baby and sat down to a vacant chair in front of the cold fireplace.

Now she would wait. She calmed her fussy package, the small boy in her arms soon settling down and closing his eyes for another, well-deserved nap.

Time passed. The woman knew these things were not to be hurried. She only wished she had been right.

The wind outside calmed a little and stopped whistling in the crooks of the chimney and at the door hinges. The atmosphere in the dim light became cozy, welcoming - warm, almost, but not in the sense of actual temperature. Mahran had known what to expect, when she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder.

She looked up and was greeted by the translucent, spectral face of a young woman. "Hello", she said, her voice thin and echoing, but still clear.

"Nesia, was it", said Mahran and the shade nodded. "I am- I was Qharil's wife."

The shade turned her head down in shame and regret. "I never knew", she then said and Mahran nodded.

"I blame you for nothing that happened. It's I who grieves for you", she said. "There are no words for me to express my sorrow for what he did to you."

Nesia nodded, grief still evident on her face - and the vicious wounds evident on her body. The attack had been swift and cruel. "But the most important is safe?" she then said, lifting her eyes to the bundle in Mahran's arms. Mahran gently revealed a bit more of the baby boy she had brought to see his mother.

"He's safe. And perfectly healthy. A beautiful child", she said and Nesia smiled, reaching out a spectral hand to touch the face of her beloved, the one she was ripped away from all too soon. Kaede yawned, eliciting a delighted gasp from Nesia, reaching out his little hands to swish past her outstretched fingers.

"You will keep him safe? You will raise him?" Nesia asked, voice strained, tears already glimmering in the corners of her eyes. Mahran nodded gravely.

"As if he was my own", she promised. Nesia simply nodded, choking back her tears, hand shaking ever so slightly as she reached out for Kaede's small hands. She mumbled something in a language Mahran didn't understand outright, but as a mother, she could guess the meaning.

"Thank you", Nesia whispered.

"And I'm sorry", said Mahran.

"You will tell him of me?"

"Everything he wishes to know."

Nesia nodded a final time and retreated, as Mahran bundled Kaede back into the warmth and comfort, him soon nodding back off into sleep in Mahran's arms. Nesia blew him a kiss, waved, with tearful smiles.

Mahran stood up and made her way to the door, when the lingering shade spoke once more. "Promise me something?" she asked.

Mahran turned, waiting for the request.

"Get that son of a bitch."

Mahran chuckled. "Count on it."

----------------------

Mercy

An eery disquiet held a grip of the barracks as he walked in through the gates. He paid no mind to the gate guards as they let him pass without question, said no word, made no eye contact. He had always disliked the barracks and the nameless, faceless men clad in black and white, ever since he was a child. He would rather not spend any more time in there than was necessary.

Some of the knights stared, some were too involved in their own hushed conversations to pay mind to the man walking past, making brisk headway to his destination, the largest building within the walls of the compound. A knight by the door said nothing as he approached, merely bowed his head and opened the door for him.

The air inside was quite nothing like he had experienced before. He had seen death, yes, but in the confines of his own home, not within a dimly lit stone hall, not where death had took its rawest form, placed on the table right in front of him in the middle of the room.

He hesitated for a moment, for two. He stood in front of the shut door, fists clenched - out of anxiety, maybe. Or out of lingering resentment. He had not seen his brother in months, and the last time they spoke was... not on friendly terms.

It was odd.

Numair had grown to know Mahir as a large, intimidating, harsh individual whose physical presence took hold of a room and gripped the minds of men who were compelled to listen when the man, eldest of the three sons, spoke. He was a man who criminals ducked out of the way from, who stood out on the battlefield not only by his crimson sash, but also by his height and sheer stature.

But here, laid down on the table, still in his blood-soaked vestments, he seemed... almost small. Worn. Thinned out. Numair took a tentative step forward, looking down at his eldest brother's face. Even death had not brought him peace - his expression was that of lingering horror, eyes ever so slightly open and staring dead into the ceiling. The blood was the worst part. The deep, deep crimson pouring from his mouth onto his chin and down his throat only exaggerated his sallow skin and painted a macabre picture of his last moments.

Had it been painful? It must have. It must have been terrifying.

And had he always looked so thin, or had death already begun its work? His cheekbones jutted out compared to his sunken cheeks, dark shadows laid under his eyes and deep wrinkles framed his brow. Numair didn't even remember. Mahir had always had a stern look, and his dark eyes - inherited from their mother, just like Numair had - never held the warmth they should.

Silently Numair reached his hand out and swept a couple of curls off Mahir's forehead. His skin was cold to the touch and Numair almost pulled his hand away, but resisted.

This had been his brother, once. Numair didn't know where the change had happened. During their youth, when they drifted apart? During the years of relentless arguing over who should pick up the sword and who not? Or had it just happened, when the commander, the eldest son, was finally cut down?

He hadn't noticed the tears coming in. This was a hollow husk of the man he had once loved and admired as his brother and protector. This was the lingering ghost of a man who once knew love yet sunk into the bottomless depths of revenge and all-consuming grief, who responded to death with rage and more death, who made it his life to pay back the endless pain he endured not just for him, but for his mother, for his brothers, for his sisters.

It was no way to live.

Perhaps this, in its own, macabre way, was mercy.

"You can rest now, brother", Numair whispered, bent down and placed a soft kiss goodbye on Mahir's cold forehead. Then he wiped his tears, turned his back and left the room.

---------------------------------

Midnight

The ocean was still. Night had taken over the coast, laid to rest all the little critters and birds who made no sound on the moonlit shore, giving in to the atmosphere of quiet solace and calm. No nearby people, no sound of city hustle and bustle, just a solitary hut with the smoke of the final embers of the morning quietly dying down. In the silence of the hut, one man sat awake, next to the peacefully sleeping form of another.

He had awoken suddenly, twisting himself free from a memory that was still too fresh, too harsh – time had not yet smoothened out its edges, not laid down a fog cloud of forgetting on its raw form that burned when touched. Claws, digging into skin, twisting bone and chilling its depths, teeth rending bare, unprotected flesh, a face so familiar but yet not at all, burned and gnarled and… wrong. The memory still held a grip, of his mind and his heart, which now beat harshly in the still silence of the hut, so loud one could almost hear it.

Slowly, almost afraid Goose turned his eyes to the man quietly laying besides him. Elk was asleep – in the depths of something blissful and calm, his breathing deep, his heartbeat steady. The sight of him both calmed and frightened Goose, because despite his love, his deep knowledge of the man, the stain of the demon who took his form to attack him still crept at the edges of his vision and threatened to cloud his mind altogether.

He wouldn’t, Goose told himself, over and over again; he wouldn’t, it wasn’t him. It had never been him. Elk had told him, his body wasn’t his own, his own memory had faded away from the way of the demon. It wasn’t that Goose didn’t believe him. But what Elk didn’t remember, Goose did, and those memories stuck to him tight in the hours where no other thought was there to push the doubts away.

Almost tentatively he reached out his hand and gently as ever stroked Elk’s cheek – unharmed, untwisted, warm and familiar as it had always been. Elk drew in a sigh, stirring but for a moment in response to the unexpected touch, a shadow of a smile creeping up to the corner of his mouth. But he did not wake yet, he remained asleep, peaceful as ever. Goose smiled as well for a moment, remaining still to ensure the man didn’t wake further. And, confident he didn’t, he as quietly as possible clambered out of their shared bed, careful as to not stumble over Elk’s legs. The previously so comfortable and welcoming warmth of the hut had become oppressing, the shadows in the corners almost feeling as if they had crept closer in the night than they had before – silently, Goose unlatched the door, creaked it open and snuck outside, pressing the door shut behind him.

Once outside, he drew in a deep, long breath, closing his eyes and taking in the sea breeze. The faint smell of salt felt purifying, almost. It smelled like home. It was where he had grown up, where life had offered him its most, given all to him – given him too much, sometimes, more than he could understand, more than he could do with. The small stones underneath his feet clicked and clacked as he walked barefoot towards the shore, until he found a suitably big rock and sat himself on it, facing the ocean and its ever-lapping waves. Somewhere in the horizon he saw birds against the clouds illuminated by the moon, too far for him to recognize. He had always been jealous of birds – what an existence, to just fly with nary a worry about tomorrow. But despite his sometimes less-than-affectionate nickname, he was merely a man, left to earth with his worries, mistakes and the regrets that followed.

Stupid fucking conch. Stupid fucking Goose. Of course they don’t talk to people. Only an idiot would think a conch would actually talk. All it was was just bait for someone as stupid as him to latch on to and for others to get in trouble for. It had always been like that – Goose gets in trouble, does something stupid, and the rest around him have to make excuses and take the blame: give him a rest, he doesn’t get it, you can’t expect Goose to get it. And it was up to the others to pick up the pieces. It was up to the others to put themselves in harm’s way.

To sell themselves to demons.

A demon Goose called in by being stupid, and now had to be protected from.

He didn’t know if his tears were of anger or regret, quite possibly both – he wiped them down to the much-too-long sleeves of his husband’s shirt. He stirred from his thoughts for just a moment to hear the gentle footsteps on the rocks behind him.

“What’s wrong?” Elk asked as he sat on the rock besides Goose and noticed the tears on his cheeks. He raised his hand instinctively to wipe them away but Goose turned his head away, and with a mix of confusion and worry, Elk put his hand down.

“Bad dream”, Goose mumbled and sniffled.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Elk asked, and Goose shook his head slightly. Elk knew if the man didn’t want to talk, he wouldn’t – but knowing him, being silent was either short-lived, or a reason for worry. Elk was content sitting quietly for a time, staring at the ocean alongside his man, pondering what the next thing he would say was. The silence did not end up being long.

“It had your face”, Goose mumbled.

“Was that the dream you had?” asked Elk, and Goose nodded silently, not looking towards his husband. Elk was quiet for a moment, hesitating – “It was just a dream”, he then said.

“It was real to me”, Goose said, still staring at the waves. Elk didn’t argue – Goose had refused to talk much about that day, and even if they had returned to life together under one roof there were hitches in the man’s behavior that had not been there before. Elk had seen hesitation in his eyes, seen him ever so slightly duck out from under his touch.

“I know. I’m sorry”, he sighed. Goose didn’t say anything, just sat there, swinging his legs slightly. The silence had an uncomfortable tinge to it, an awkward flavor that permeated the night, but which both of the men hesitated to disturb.

After a period of silence filled only with the waves lapping at the rocky beach, Goose turned his eyes at Elk once more.

“Why’d you do it?” he said.

“Did what?”

“You gave yourself to a demon. It was my shell. My mistake. It should have been me that the bastard took,” the man answered, voice wavering.

“I felt-“ Elk started, then spending a moment to choose his words. “I felt it was my duty. As a paladin. And I mistakenly thought I could… do something about it.”

“Do what? Kill it?”

“For example.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Elk sat quiet for a second, averting his eyes – Goose could feel the regrets the man had, and felt that he had pondered that same question himself.

“I tried to get through to you before. At this point I… I didn’t know how you’d react. I didn’t know how strong of a hold it already had in you, for it to start communing with me, as well”, he finally answered, meeting Goose’s gaze again. “I was scared for you. I was scared that if I told you, the fiend would make you outrun me – do something I couldn’t predict or prevent.”

Goose sat silent until Elk spoke again. “I’m sorry”, he sighed. “But I couldn’t lose you.”

“I could have lost you!” Goose exclaimed and Elk turned his eyes away in shame. “Weeks, Vragi, weeks – what was your plan? What did it want? You would disap- you’d disappear, I would… what was I to do? No matter the demon in my ear, but you? What would I have done without you?” said she smaller man, fighting back the tears that now tried to once again force their way out.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t-“ Elk began, pausing for a moment to pick the words.

“You don’t have to fix my wrongs! You don’t have to throw yourself into danger for me, because I’m too stupid to understand it myself! You don’t need to-“ Goose started before Elk could continue, when the man turned back to him and placed a firm but gentle hand on both of Goose’s cheeks.

“I did it because I love you!” he said, firmly, eyes nailed on Goose’s eyes, the man looking back in tearful bewilderment. “And I was terrified of losing you. Love and fear, they make men do the stupidest things, but I need you to know that everything I do is… I love you, Fégla”, Elk continued with a softer tone, hands still holding Goose’s head in place.

Goose looked back, sniffled, and Elk took a deep breath.

“I don’t have an excuse or explanation that would make sense now. I cannot justify leaving you with no word. I’m sorry, my love – I cannot take it all back. I wish I could”, he sighed. Goose, turning his eyes away from his husband choked back a sob, pulling in a long, wavering breath he then let out slowly, calming himself, collecting himself.

“I wish so too”, he said and Elk sighed deep, lowering his hands to his lap and pressing his forehead to Goose’s. He delicately, almost tentatively took Elk’s hands in his.

“I’m sorry”, he mumbled.

“I can’t imagine-”, Goose said back, but wavering. “If I lost you-”.

“I’m sorry”, was all Elk could repeat.

“I love you.”

They sat together for a moment, foreheads together, Goose holding Elk’s hand in both of his, listening to each other breathe in the rhythm of the gentle waves of the moonlit ocean lapping at the rocky beach. The first squawk of a distant seagull stirred Goose from his thoughts and he looked at the horizon where the soft, pale tones of reds and oranges breached into the purple and blue hues of the night sky, blending into a promise of warmth and life for the new dawn.

Elk took both of the Goose’s hands in his, for a change, giving them a gentle, reassuring squeeze before letting go. “Whatever happens”, he said. “I will be there for you every step of the way.”

And Goose smiled, wiped off the last remaining tears from his eyes and leaned in to give his husband a gentle kiss – a kiss of promise, and mistakes forgiven.

“Let’s go to bed.”

[ughgclden]

bee, love, don’t apologise, please, it’s okay, and first and foremost, are you alright?? i hope you’re taking care of yourself, love, but i understand, i don’t think there’s been a year since third grade that i haven’t gotten pneumonia in the winter. I hope you’re feeling alright!!

honestly, dead poets society is one of my only personality traits anymore, i find myself drawing parallels to it constantly, for no reason but i love thinking about it. i’ve watched it so many times at this point, it’s,,, concerning. those tests always take me way less time than they give me, and i used to feel really awkward, i remember i took a bio one once, four hours they gave me, 45 minutes in, i was finished, and the moderator didn’t believe me. i aced it too, like the silly little neil kinnie i am. i’ve gotten used to the ‘worse’ side of being a neil kinnie, and honestly, now that my mum isn’t as controlling about everything as she used to be, it’s easier to deal with. i remember once, i’d gotten an 89 in algebra, and she threatened to pull me out of the fall show. that was a neil perry moment if i ever had one lol. the biggest thing these days is just imposter syndrome, imposter syndrome like oh you’re not hispanic enough, but also, you’re not queer enough, nonbinary enough, things like that. It’s exacerbated some days, but i try.

i watched the it movies on my cousin’s hbo,,, i may or may not have used it without her permission since she forgot to log out of my computer, but that’s neither here nor there. i remember having such a hard time taking the first one seriously initially, because of all the new kids on the block jokes, having a mum who was obsessed with them made it hard, especially when i actually got them all- in truth, the only midnight premiere i’ve been able to make was the force awakens, and i had school the next day too. i’m definitely a richie kinnie, and i have the internalised homophobia (only towards myself though) to prove it /hj my waterbottle has both a sticker of neil on it and a sticker of the r + e carving on it. in case there was any doubt about me lmao. stan kin makes sense for you, honestly, i can see it, i can see it.

okay so listen- no really, i’d bought them with the intention of only drinking half of one that night and spreading them out like that, but then came 9:45pm, and i had a research paper (on womens’ pockets/lack thereof) due at 10am that i simply hadn’t even started, so i downed them all in an hour and got the paper turned in at 5:56 in the morning. but i scare you huh? /hj bee, you’re too sweet, in truth, i’m fairly inelegant, but i try, as for the comforting and cosy, i’ll take you at your word, since that is something only someone interacting with me could discern. i do try to be kind to others for the most part. mainly i think because i’m usually on the other end of mean people.

i’m just perceptive like that bee, i dunno what to tell you, something just tells me, you know? /j and thank you, i always feel a little silly talking about it, because most of the tattoos i want are dead poets society tattoos, i guess some part of me, within the part of me that feels so incredibly tied to it, feels as if if i were able to get a tattoo i’d owe it to the movie in some way, if that makes any sense. i’ve already begged a friend of mine to go with me to get my first once i get to new york, the question though, is what to get first. i’ve got time to make a decision (for once in my life) i just spend a lot of time thinking about it.

honestly, i have never known a school rule to make sense. banning ripped jeans? banning dyed hair? it’s almost as if if they don’t stifle everything natural about kids expressing themselves they dont feel like they’re doing anything. but i digress. the same-sex couple rules were. awful. 12 year old me had enough going on without having an administrator yell at my friend and i for hugging in the courtyard and not leaving until we were a foot apart, but hey.

okay, jumping over a fence to go to a mcdonalds? how coming of age indie movie manic pixie dream girl of you /hj

200k words, is that a challenge? also ahaha not at all like my italian uncle up there just opened a ‘pizzeria’ /hj but mob!star au? might be a project i should start… granted, i’m not as good a storyteller as you, but i can try.

when i was little, i wanted to revolutionise things, i guess. i even actually wrote out a campaign, i wonder if its still somewhere. thank you for believing in me, but these days, bee, i’m thinking less about changing the world, and more about making it the next few weeks, and then the ones after that. little star was aware of so much, but also so little. i wonder what they’d think of me now, honestly.

i did, in fact, teach archery, it was so fun but my arms got SO SORE, and the kid who challenged my archery skills seemed surprised when i actually,, hit the bullseyes. my inner susan was happy then. incidentally the experience is also why i made a playlist called “touchstarved and wanting to teach you to shoot a bow” which low-key slaps when i’m lonely. and bee omg i cannot believe you said im better than susan pevensie i will be thinking about this for the rest of my life thank you- and yes, yes it was named aslan, however did you guess? /j prince caspian<33333

i’ll let you know my results from the tournament, as soon as they come out, and i say this having just put on pjs after taking off my suit, and sitting in the room with my cat in my dear evan hansen hoodie, frantically refreshing the results page because i’m anxious and impatient.

i hope you have a good night, with fitful and restful sleep, i’m sorry this got to be so long, but you know me, i certainly can talk. i’m honestly shocked i even made it to finals, considering i was running off four hours of sleep, having gone to bed at three last night. whoops.

all my love, hugs, and a warm mug of tea,

yours,

star✨

p.s i said yes so that?? happened?? it honestly feels surreal but we’re not gonna be in the same place anymore come the end of this year, so that’ll be something to deal with

P.p.s might just start adding spanish or latin or russian phrases to these if i keep having to translate your cute french bee /lh /hj

star my love, i know you said don't apologise, but i think the word 'sorry' makes up about 60% of my vocabulary. i'm okay!! was just a bit icky, but luckily i've recovered now!!

that's so nice - and again, makes so much sense for you. i think you would work perfectly in welton, i know it. i love bringing the messages from that film into my own life, as silly as it may sound. i'm astonished, and so fucking jealous of you. i used to finish tests maybe half an hour early, but hours is so impressive??? fun fact i did finish my physics final in about 45 minutes and slept for the other hour <3 neil would b proud my love!!! oh my god - i'm so sorry that happened??? but that is also so neil kinnie??? it seems futile me saying this, but i assure you that you are hispanic enough, and queer enough, and non-binary enough. you are enough, period. more than enough even. imposter syndrome is the worst, and i'm so so sorry you're dealing with it.

she did that to herself, you just saw an opportunity /lh a midnight premiere of the force awakens sounds so cute though omg - i hope you had the absolute best time. the r + e carving actually broke me. as a die hard reddie shipper since 2017, seeing the movie make it basically canon?! had me a mess in the cinema.

you are ridiculously comforting and cosy, everything about you feels like a warm hug from a familiar face and i love it. and the way you write is so smooth, it makes me think of a quill smoothly gliding across parchment, the deep black ink unsmudged and pristine. that seems a little pretentious of me, but oh well.

i also want some dps tattoos!! i desperately want "and still we sleep" from todd's poem, and was also so so tempted to get an outline drawing of meeks + pitts dancing on the roof. i love that, and i can't wait until the day you get it, whichever one it may be. my one concern is becoming addicted to them and making my bank account suffer - at least my piercing obsession is a little easier to fund /hj

i've NEVER gotten that - they claim it's 'distracting' but how on earth would it be?? when i got to college, no one was distracted by my dyed hair, and i certainly wasn't distracted by other people's outfits or painted nails. you were yelled at. for hugging. a friend.. what the fuck is wrong with these people??

just call me ramona flowers star /j it was possibly the highlight of my school career, sans hiding in the back room of the music room to avoid a maths test

i bet you're an amazing storyteller, if these letters are anything to go by. it would be a new york times best seller, i know it

we all have to take things one step at a time, i think. that's the only way i really get through things if i'm honest. one day after another and the cycle repeats. i love wondering what young me would think of me now - i'd probably be intimidated of myself, but i like to think i'd be proud that i'm still here, pursuing something i love

that playlist. sounds nothing short of sheer perfection. i too am touch starved and want to teach someone to shoot a bow - even though i.. cannot shoot a bow... but i can wield a sword so, it's close enough.

i saw your message about the tournament results - im so fucking proud of you!!!! you deserve it so so much and i couldn't be happier for you. see, your words and ideas are changing the world, even if you don't realise it.

ps; that is so fun???? omg im so happy for you star, you deserve tis <33 i hope towards the end of this year whatever happens leaves you both happy, no matter how far the distance.

pps; omg no.. please don't do that.. aha that would be awful... definitely wouldn't make my heart race.. haha not at all

all of my love, star. pardon the pun, but you are out of this world ;) i'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes;

il n'y a qu'un bonheur dans la vie, c'est d'aimer et d'être aimé <3

[apprenticenerd]

"Anyone can send me an ask with one of the titles and I’ll post a snippet or talk about that WIP!" The Acropolis, Tacet, Checklist, A Tiny Galaxy, Hearsay, Going Back, Ella Disenchanted, Making Peace, The Slashed Circle, Wake Up, Tenno, Midnight, Heliotropism, Arrhythmia, the one about Among Us, the one about Library of Ruina, the one that’s a D&D world concept. Yes, all of them. I know you wanna talk about all of them. So go, go forth and do it!

Hoooo boy, this is gonna be a long post. Lots and lots of writing snippets under the cut to avoid dash stretch!

The Acropolis - original - length uncertain - 1.4k and counting

im not ready for this im not i thought it would be yrs i thought id at least get an english degree first

omg sal whats goin on

fuckin hell whyd it have to be now i have a chem lab tomorrow

sally-tate macpherson. u never swear. ever. wtf is goin on.

ok. jess. i need u to listen really really carefully. understand?

answer the goddamn question ur scarin me

shut up and listen and this will go a lot better

fine but u need to tell me wtf is happnenig

ok. im going to tell you a bunch of stuff. not giving u advice, thats not allowed, but im gonna tell u stuff it seems like itd be impossible for me to know.

?????????????

i said shut up this is really important dont question how i know it. just go with it and figure out what to do. and dont die. bc no matter how crazy stuff seems, if u die, ur dead. here and everywhere. ok?

This is an original story coming straight from a @/writing-prompt-s prompt about a crack in a kid’s hardwood floor that they fantasized was a portal actually being one. I originally intended to write the entire thing like this, as a conversation over text, but that may not be feasible given a certain world-building detail at the other end of the portal (and the limits of my creativity lmao).

---

Tacet - The Blackout Club - one-shot - 3.2k and counting

She closed her eyes again, and there it was. Hallucination? Some new science trick with electromagnetic radiation off the visible spectrum? Evidence that she was actually going insane? Whatever it was, it burned behind her eyelids in bright, incontrovertible red - and was completely invisible when she opened her eyes again. There was just the usual mess of club posters and one big one about someone’s exceedingly dumb-looking lost cat.

Eyes open, there was only Sargent Snuggles. Eyes closed, there was the normal darkness and then three lines of text where the poster had been, wavering like scarlet fire:

JOIN TBC JOIN TBC JOIN TBC

TBC? What the fuck was that? She’d never heard of any group with that acronym before. Hardly aware of the flurry of weird looks from half the other people in the hallway, she crossed the hall to examine the lost cat poster more closely. It felt like perfectly normal paper when she touched it, and there wasn’t even a hint of red with her eyes open, unless you counted the cat’s tacky pink sweater. How the hell was this even possible?

“You’re finally cracking, Bri,” she groaned under her breath, then headed for her locker. She did have to get home. Add another big fat entry to the weird shit list.

A backstory one-shot for my Blackout Club OC Briar, telling the story of how she got into the club in the first place. I’ve been stuck in the same spot for a while now, after Briar’s friend Dani explains the club to her, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the scene’s over as is. Of course, writing the next one is the tough part.

---

Checklist - The Blackout Club - one-shot - 1.7k and counting

8. You still have a headache. Shouldn’t you go back to sleep and try to do this in the morning?

9. (wake up)

10. Nah, you’ve always been a night owl, and school starts criminally early, too early to get much done beforehand. It’s quiet, except for Dad snoring. Your parents are asleep already. You can stay up until this is done, and they’ll be none the wiser.

11. Your head hurts worse. It’s getting harder to think. At only 9 pm? 9:30? Whatever. You should sleep.

12. (wake UP)

13. What are you thinking? You have to read at least a little of this chapter, or there’s no way you’ll be able to bullshit your way through class tomorrow. Besides, all of a sudden, the silence feels...strange. Heavier? You can’t describe it.

14. You need to sleep. You need a drink of water or something. You need to finish this damn homework. You need to sleep. You need to sleep.

15. Stare at The Great Gatsby. It doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense.

16. Realize what’s up with the silence. Dad’s not snoring anymore. You aren’t feeling like yourself. You need to sleep.

17. Something’s weird.

18. (WAKE UP) 

19. ...No. Something’s wrong.

Another Blackout Club story and another Interface Screw, as it were, this time in the form of a (very long) checklist. None of the characters have names (yet). It describes another way a kid could find themself running around at night with the Blackout Club, this time by fighting off the Song just enough to run into a club member who could wake them up the rest of the way. As with Tacet, I still need to write the suspenseful part.

---

A Tiny Galaxy - Warframe - 4 chapters planned, 1 complete, 1 in progress - 7.8k and counting

Try it if you don’t believe me, the kid in the vent had said.

It was impossible. It was physically impossible. All of this was impossible. Had the Void...? Could the Void...?

The ship was at a standstill. Her mother had tried to kill her, and something had happened. She’d made something happen. There had been no holoprojector in that kid’s hand. Nothing was impossible anymore.

Jhia took a deep breath. How the heck was she supposed to do this? Was she supposed to feel something, some internal guide? Blue Hair hadn’t said. Feeling incredibly stupid, she did a quick mental checkup on herself. Nothing felt wrong, or different - but now that she thought about it…

Afterward, she would try many times to explain it, and fail every time. The best she could come up with was that once she found the Void, calling on it was as easy and as natural as breathing. She opened her hands in front of her, concentrated on that force like an extension of herself, reopened her eyes, and there it was: a riotous little ball of energy, wisps and motes of light and not-quite-light like a tiny galaxy, the Tau system in the palm of her hand, raging.

More OC backstory time! This one’s for my Tenno, a nerdy fourteen-year-old (at the time of this story, anyway) by the name of Jhia, going through the hell that is the Zariman Ten-Zero and what happened on it. This is possibly the first part of the story I actually wrote: the roll-credits moment when Jhia realizes the Void’s changed her more already than she thought.

---

Hearsay - Lobotomy Corporation/Library of Ruina - one-shot - 1k and counting

"Oh? Did they investigate further?"

"They tried. Found a few fingerprints, but they didn't match anyone in the database."

"What's the update, then?"

"Reports from elsewhere in the district of someone not in uniform carrying a Zwei sword. They're slippery, good at avoiding us, which would suggest Syndicate operative to me and HQ. Except that in every one of the descriptions we managed to get, our sword thief is a child."

"What? How?!"

"You tell me, Iona. You're the one who went to the crime scene."

"Right... Jeez, if it's a kid, I guess that'd explain why Petrov thought they weren't a threat..."

"My thoughts exactly. HQ has a fair amount of hearsay to go on, but nobody can quite agree on how old the child is, or whether or not she's with a Syndicate. Most agree that she appears to be a girl, tall for a child, auburn hair, clothes and demeanor typical of a Backstreets native."

"We got a name?"

"They've heard Yeri, Kali, Redbird, Suma, Aelfin... No one knows which is her real one, or if it's even any of them at all."

"Damn. ...Say, are you going to drink that entire pot of coffee?"

"Help yourself."

This is one of those stories that turned into an accidental AU when more of canon came out. The idea behind it is that it’s Kali’s backstory told entirely in conversations in which she did not participate, showcasing the fact that a Fixer’s fame is their livelihood and Kali was about as famous as they come, before the whole L Corp thing happened. Of course, the vast majority of the headcanons here got invalidated with a certain Ruina update, so my motivation’s kinda down on this one.

---

Going Back has already been talked about here!

---

Ella Disenchanted - The Blackout Club - one-shot (maybe two-shot??) - 1.4k and counting

She woke. Her stomach went through a series of panicked flip-flops as she thought something strange had done it, Dad or a little-kid-nightmares shadow beast had made noise, but no - why had she fallen asleep in the first place? Her butt and shoulder were sore where they’d been leaning on the bottom and side of the windowsill, presumably all night, since the sun was full up over the trees on Old Growth Hill. 

All night. She’d promised herself she wouldn’t fall asleep, but she did anyway. God dammit.

As she unfolded herself from her cramped ball, though, she froze. Under the comforter she’d pulled around her shoulders for warmth, she was wearing her gray jacket, a T-shirt, jeans, sneakers getting dried mud all over the carpet. 

Last she remembered, she’d been in her pajamas.

In which a Blackout Club kid’s little sister wonders where he’s gone when he runs away to the boxcar, and tries to get to the bottom of the mystery herself. Usually she’d be too young for the club to recruit, but her investigations and an incident involving SAO are more than enough extenuating circumstance. Unlike most of my other WIPs, there’s a whole outline at the end of my doc for this one.

---

Making Peace - Warframe - multi-chapter - 1.5k and counting

“I…” Iksoh finally said. “Sorna, I hope you realize. I’m not into this. I never - I’m not doing this. Whatever you’re doing, I can’t.”

“I know,” Sorna said softly. The decision tore at her heart again and she almost backed out of the vent, but no. She had to go. She wouldn’t see another innocent crumple in her rifle sights. “I hope you realize. I’m not coming back.”

Behind her, Iksoh let out a long, shaky breath. “It’s taking all I’ve got not to report you right now. Sorna… the Queens’ll have my head for this. Please, please, let it be worth it. Go. Don’t let them take yours.”

“I won’t,” Sorna promised, and meant it.

Later, after her last fight for her freedom was done, on the Steel Meridian ship headed for Kronia Relay, Sorna looked out at the planet retreating behind her and thought of Iksoh. She’d just learned a new word from a Meridian soldier: vaykor tal, the defector’s spirit. Iksoh had let her go, at risk of their own life. They’d had a bit of the vaykor tal themself, even if they hadn’t known it, even if they’d thought it was just some weakness that was bound to get them killed.

“Ranre treri, duf krun,” she whispered into space, a Grineer well-wishing passed down from sergeant to tube-fresh lancer since time immemorial. May your hands be steady, and may life be kind.

This is an AU born of me and some friends wondering why in the heck Perrin and the Meridian hate each other so much in game. It’s about a group of Kavor - Grineer defectors distinguished from other Meridian members by their pacifism - who get to a Relay and start wondering the same thing. Besides Sorna (and, later in the story, Iksoh as well), there would have been Chakh, Beket, and Sydon, plus at least four of the syndicate leaders and a bunch of side-character OCs, all caught up somehow in what turns out to be a surprisingly far-reaching web of intrigue.

--

The Slashed Circle - Warframe - one-shot, probably - 429 and counting

In addition to their written and spoken language, the Grineer have a full language of hand signs. It has its quirks, as all languages do - be careful of confusing it with the Corpus sign language, in which the sign for “to pay” roughly approximates the Grineer sign for...a certain portion of the male anatomy. Among these is the common Grineer sentiment against those who defect from their ranks, baked into the sign just as much as their spoken words. 

The sign of the slashed circle, the sedashkur - a finger drawn in a circle on the chest, followed by a diagonal line - is the highest of taboos to any loyal Grineer. It shows support for such scum as the Kavor and Steel Meridian, enough so that it forms the basis for the Meridian’s battle standard. To sign the sedashkur is to betray your siblings, commit a grave insult to your superiors, paint a near-indelible target on your back. It is an object of hatred and fear throughout the ranks.

She fears it, yes, but she does not hate it, for all her life and into her death as well. It shouldn’t trouble her now, though. It is easy to hide a language, and she burned her journals before she was called to the fortress.

This is a fic about Jhia and her one (1) converted Kuva Lich, namely about the process of said Lich’s defeat and defection, that kinda never got off the ground. Contrary to this snippet, I think most of it would have been written in what are essentially space emails back and forth between Lich and Tenno? I definitely got as far as Jhia sending an audio recording of a bass-boosted dog fart, anyhow.

---

Wake Up, Tenno - Warframe - one-shot - 950 and counting

“Wake up, Tenno.”

She wakes. She is - she is Tenno, right? She is a Tenno? Her mind is confused, so full of fog and dead ends - how long was she asleep?

The voice that woke her seems familiar. She might have loved the speaker, in her scrambled past life, the woman in the purple helmet, the one called Lotus in her HUD vision. Her surroundings are a ruin of some sort. Her body is—

...what?

She can move just fine. Her fingers and arms and legs respond with suspicious ease, given how long she must have slept to be this scattered upon waking up, and yet there’s some fundamental disconnect. This is her Warframe, her body, but it’s not her body somehow.

...wait, where did the term “Warframe” come from?

A Tenno, unnamed but intended to be Jhia on my end, wakes up on Earth at the very beginning of the in-game storyline. Since the tutorial has gotten an overhaul in recent months, I may have to modify even what little I have on this a lot.

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Midnight - Iconoclasts - poem - 280 and counting

been anything smaller than been anything

never been anything smaller than

“good morning, how’s miss grump doing today? i heard about that last mission...if you didn’t sleep well i can call you in sick, it’s alright-” “oh, shut up, grey”

there has never been anything

“oh, shut up, grey” “love you too”

smaller

“love you too”

than

me

A very fragmented, stream-of-consciousness-y poem meant to represent Agent Black’s failing sanity near the end of the game. The words of her famous one-liner (“there has never been anything smaller than me”) are interspersed, out of order until the end, with poetic descriptions of other characters and bits and pieces of a flashback involving Agent Grey.

---

Heliotropism - Iconoclasts - one-shot - 1.1k and counting

Lily, though she’s superstitious, will have none of these self-important truths, none of these semblances of certainty when really all it is is wishing on Ivory and hoping for the best. She calls for Miss Andress instead. 

A stout but severe woman with ten grandchildren and a great-grandchild on the way, Miss Andress is perhaps the quintessential matriarch: nurturing, selfless, brutally honest. She is the one the people of 17 trust when they feel they can trust no one else. Lily needs the kind of reassurance only she can give, with the authority of ninety-one years and the wisdom of two sons, one daughter, and some five dogs raised under her care.

When Miss Andress visits House 4, she asks Polro and Lily to each bring an object they cherish the most. For Polro it’s his largest wrench, pitted with use but still polished to a brassy shine; Lily surprises everyone by pulling out a tiny, unloaded stun-gun, and surprises them more by not explaining it at all. Miss Andress doesn’t question it. She just turns the two tools over and over in her hands, head bowed, squinting at them as if trying to read the secrets of the universe in the scratches carved into them by time.

Finally she straightens up and sighs, pushing a strand of silver hair behind her ear. Her forehead is slick with sweat, though the night is cool outside. “I don’t know what she’ll do,” the wise woman says, heavily, as if delivering bad news. “I just know she’ll change the world.”

Can you tell I like backstory fic? This one is for Robin, with one short anecdote for each year of her life, up to age 17 and the events of the game. It’s also an excuse to world-build a bunch, lol.

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Arrhythmia - Crypt of the NecroDancer - one-shot(?) - 4k and counting

The creature didn’t say anything, just beckoned to the shadows. Before I could move, two other creatures came for me, sending the other humans - former humans? - scrambling away in panic. One landed a hard blow on the back of my head that sent me to my hands and knees, seeing sparks; the other said “Freeze!” and I could only watch as ice sprouted from the leaf litter, cementing me to the ground.

The one who’d hit me produced a dagger from the inside of its cloak. I tried to pull myself up, to do anything at all to keep myself from getting shanked, but it was no good. There must have been a secondary effect on that spell; my limbs wouldn’t respond. I felt the dagger tear cloth in the region of my back, and prepared for the pain.

It didn’t come. The creature cut a slit in the back of my tunic, then another. Neither one touched the skin at all. I can’t really describe what happened next - my brain was having trouble computing how my arms were in front of me, visible, unable to move, but it felt like the creature was pulling them through the gashes in my tunic, but that was wrong, they didn’t feel like arms at all.

“Holy fuck,” I heard someone say.

The ice holding me down melted into nothing as the spell wore off. I jumped back up, head spinning a little, ready for another fight, only to spot two flicks of scarlet in my peripheral vision. I spun around, but they moved with me.

I think I already knew what they were. I just couldn’t admit it to myself.

You’ve already seen this one, Nick, though I’m pretty sure it was well over two years ago. It’s a pile of old headcanons, some of them now outdated I’m pretty sure, about how Nocturna ended up a vampire in the first place and a little bit about how vampire society works. According to Google Docs, I’ve been stuck on this one since March 2018. Whoops.

---

untitled (working title “adult citra meets an impostor bc what is self-control”) - Among Us - one-shot - 572 and counting

“I know. You’re stuck, aren’t you?” Having well and truly gotten their full attention, Citra continues, “God, I can barely imagine. Having to take a weird-ass host whose biology might even be toxic to you, I don’t know. Needing to get to a whole other galaxy, feeling like the only way to do that is by deception and death.” “How…?”

She sighs. “I told you, this isn’t my first rodeo. One of your kind saved my life when I was a kid. Since he’d killed Mom and Dad had been out of the picture long before, he stayed here and helped raise me afterward. It’s how I learned to pronounce...a few of your words, at least.”

“You missed the ‘H’ sound.”

“Isn’t that the one that’s literally impossible to do right with Terran anatomy?”

“Maybe. You think I know Terran anatomy all that well?”

Citra chuckles. “Fair point. You let us find your buddy and fix the ship, I’ll raise Xai when we get comms back and he can try and help you get home. Deal?”

I found an Among Us comic on Tumblr, absolutely ran into left field with it to make a couple of OCs, and then made AUs of those OCs because of course I did. This one is from a future scenario in which Citra (typically orange) meets someone rather familiar on a mission with the crew of the Skeld.

---

untitled (working title “library of ruina but they adopt half the guests”) - Library of Ruina - length uncertain - 1k and counting

“And what happened to not caring about others because it’s a waste of time and heartache?”

Now it’s Roland’s turn to sigh. “I don’t care about him. I just don’t want the guilt of killing - look at him, he can’t be older than eighteen or nineteen!”

Raised eyebrow. “Finn will be twenty years old in fifteen days’ time. He is a legal adult. I fail to see why this should matter to either of us.”

“He’s fresh off his first Fixer license! I have years of experience! He had no idea what he was getting into when he signed that invitation and you know it!”

Angela fixes him with a glare that turns his stomach, his freshly remade body reacting to the memory of its sudden, and extremely painful, dismemberment. “I could quite literally hold your soul in my hands if I wanted,” she reminds him in an undertone of steel. “I must do the same for him, following the invitation’s guidance, or my entire plan will be lost, my coworkers’ sacrifices all for naught. Do not disappoint me or ask any more impertinent questions. You know what to do, and what will happen if you do not.” 

Look, some of the people you fight in this game deserved so much better, okay? I came up with an AU concept where if a guest willingly concedes the fight and agrees to stick around, you can get their book without killing them. Finn doesn’t die; neither do Tomerry or Shi Association; all the former employees realize exactly what’s going on with Philip after the Wedge Office fight and manage to calm him down, avoiding the whole Crying Children situation. (And then Gebura makes him collect his jaw off the floor by revealing herself as the Red Mist.)

---

The one that’s a D&D world concept doesn’t have anything concrete written for it yet. (Don’t read this bit if you might want to play in my campaign at some point!) Instead of your typical Forgotten Realms planar setup, the world at large would be called the Seven Spheres, each of them different in terms of climate, geography, native species and magic, etc. The First Sphere would be the most “generic” one (to our way of thinking) and the main setting of the campaign; it would also be the smallest of the Seven, its primary continent home to a former empire of dragons that spanned most of the Sphere until its mysterious fall a thousand years ago.

Now, since the empire fell, the dragons and their children have slowly been dying out. Best estimates are that there’s only a thousand or two left in the entire First Sphere, with fewer eggs hatched every decade. The player characters enter a world with pretty typical low-level quests to start with, but every so often, especially if they engage with optional story stuff (this would be a more roleplay-focused than combat-focused campaign), they get wind of changes in the air - a failed harvest here, an unusually hot and stormy summer there, a trade war once they start hitting mid-levels.

It mimics real-world climate change in all but cause. As coastal cities struggle to contend with rising seas and, more alarmingly, wizards all over the Sphere start to notice their magic falter and wane, the PCs’ goal becomes getting to the bottom of this. And what’s at the bottom is...your typical Nerd fusion of science with fantasy settings.

The Seven Spheres are not planes of existence in the normal D&D sense, but seven planets in the same solar system, each with its own ancient god far more powerful than any god in any mortal pantheon; the First Sphere is so named because it’s closest to the sun. These planetary gods are incredibly large and incredibly alien, thinking in geologic time and concepts far too broad and slow for most sapient beings to comprehend. A thousand years ago, the fall of the dragon empire was caused by an ill-advised ritual meddling with the god of the First Sphere’s natural process of rebirth, causing said god to die without a replacement.

It’s taken this long for the First Sphere to feel the effects because, again, geologic time - a thousand years is a blink of an eye in this kind of time scale. But now the ancient earth-magic that had kept the Sphere’s climate temperate and its magicians in business is failing. The dragons, as beings of magic intrinsically, have been failing all along. And now it’s up to the PCs, up at level 17-20 if not higher by that point, to figure out how to fix the situation and find a new planetary god for the First Sphere before the whole Sphere burns to death.

[t-underneaththeradardancing]

it seems just - and now  - now its awmost midnight a week later  - i cant remember - i kinda sucked last week yah   - oh yah i members now - didnt suck even a little tonight - made 1 good decision - so a couple that is also a band and nice peeps - really nice - did the host mc thing - there is an amp a srsly good one i could have used -  btw i should hav diss claimed at the beginning - wait maybe - i plan on some poetry about the moon - so maybe u should just scroll down till the words look poetic and start readin then - i could post the poetry separately but that wood not b any funatall 

oh yah and since its monday and the moon thing and apollo anniversary  - and cuz they just b good peeps  - big shout out to everyone at @writerscreed and thank you for using a line / query from one of my pomes if i wuznt lazy as fuck i woud find it and reblog - ego may takes me there anyway but not tonight  - all the love to everyone there  past present future - a wonderful resource and labor of love 

so post mortem - awready wrote something along the lines of i killed - i did srsly for 1 song  - lykke li side band liv  hurts to liv   - had played w arrangement just a bit this morning - nothing major - might have incorporated quick time some - ezily the best vocal performance course it aint recorded it dont matter - i stayed on mic mostly - didnt forget words - only 1 line and not on this one mumbled cuz couldnt wrap my mouth around - 1 bad chord also not on this - huge response mid song at he line “ everybody wanna be somebody long as it aint me “  huge applause b4 last note wrung out  - so the good decision - things run late - 2 many performers wanna - small technical probs  including cords shorting - plug my own cord into guitar - straight into pa - setting up amp could take minutes and something to go wrong  yah - and there are 2 huge ego reezons i wanna play well  - the kind that fuck me up often - the most interesting man in the world - according to cinder - a neighbor  -told me he was interested in coming to madrone and actually showed  - he has never heard me not a note - i didnt want the awkwardness of sucking and him having to pretend he liked it  - a much loved performer who only plays madrone a few times a year - the open mic anyway - his band gets paid gigs at madrone and the other bars owned by same person /ppl   and other places - few years ago they headlined Slims - wait is slims still open - anyway one of the top clubs in sf for live national/international music  - so he played - just b4 me - the last time i saw him wuz the 1st time after seeing each other albeit infrequently - for years now - that we spoke and that i knew he actually listened to me - i wuz ok that time but ego and started overplaying to impress - so i had chosen songs that were more vocal oriented before going - added an improvised blues in am to facilitate a harmonica player  - martian mike - he actually added - if i had the amp - and it had every sound effect known to man - i prob wouldnt have resisted the urge to over the top - so after finished had nice mutual admiration mutual love of madrone conversation - he video’d at least part of my set for utube on his channel and maybe his bands channel as well 

just b4 playing - went outside and thot of the ppl who send vibes love energy sundays  - it was like i could feel each one sending for a sec - some sent earlier -some yet to come - felt total calm - only for a moment mind u 

about the moon this was last night or saturday  - total fog cover tonight - just to make sure - i go outside cuz maybe - thats my relation  - love and attention - a focus  and the tide thing - pretty awesome  - only once - and i wuz being a dick and might have lied to myself like we do  when acting as such - only once that i remember - when i remember to look for and find ( most eves nights mornings ) have i failed 2 feel better at least a little for a moment  - a shapeshift trixter she b the moon - always changing always constant  - thinking what might have been what still could b  - we can look at the same moon at different times and be close for a hand clap cuz we zen as fuck - sometimes  - we get lucky 

its getting late im tired - its morning but not the wake up kind yet  - dishes to do - teeth to brush - a kitty to pet 

and 

presto sleepo morning and not early - sleepless in sf till 3 or so - kitty wants bfast early - or wants a good tawk  - she wants something she cant do fer her own self but yes she will kill and eat bugs if not fed - and yes the bowl is empty - omg yes she is a good kitty - back to sleep till a mumbled byedrivesafelove to the unpoet leaving 

sun just came out and enuff quiet to hear birdsong

love

[alexithymiasnook]

07292019

Letter You'd Probably Never Read

I've never been vocal as to what goes inside my head after we ended things, maybe that's just how a Cancer like me is wired. Now I am writing all of it and was actually hoping I could watch you read it but was so scared of the outcome I backed out that very last minute. I wrote this in the hopes that we can talk about all of these and not just brush it aside with a statement of "we are just friends."

Disclaimer: I dont have any hidden agenda with this. I just want it all out there for my sanity plus I've put everything I ever thought about us in here. To remind you of how beautiful our story was once even though it was and still is pretty fucked up.

You came unexpectedly. I never though I'd fall in love again but much more so for someone to actually return those feelings even with all the baggages I have. I never regretted falling for you because frankly, those times with you were the best I had. All those late night and early morning talks we have plus midnight rendezvous. Those failed eat outs or getaways. I love all of it. Even though at the back of my head I know we eventually had to stop, I couldnt help but hope and pray that we could be together officially one day. That you'd get to finally be with me.

But then we had to stop and it was so abrupt I lost my footing. For a second there, I lost myself. I cried to HIM asking what exactly do I have to do to keep you, that if He made this brilliant plan of us meeting, then why are we supposed to end up like this? Why do I have to meet you and fall for you when HE knows we would end up walking away from each other. I was angry. I was hurt. But little by little, as I continue to write all my feelings on peoms and random writings and continue to pray for all of these feelings, I survived.

I still wake up at 2am wanting to give you a ring and just talk about anything just because I miss you. I still go back to old conversations we have because I miss your I love yous and I miss yous. I honestly want these feelings to go away so I can fully say that Im your friend without all the malice. Because us at that 711 store eating a tub of ice cream while we laugh or pour our hearts out is something I dont want to loose. That's the realtionship I want with you in the most genuine and purest form.

I try pushing all of these feelings aside by putting up a front and mastering all the courage to talk about your GF like it isn't hurting me. Thinking that talking about her so casually is going to make everything flow according to plan - us just being just friends without feelings getting in the way. It worked for a while, but when you had that Baguio trip with her that we've been planning for months, it just blew up in my face. But I picked myself up again and mended my own brokenness (ang drama LOL).

I know you're trying your hardest to go back to the loyal good boyfriend that you were before I screwed everything up, but what exactly are we doing? Dont get me wrong, I love spending time with you, but Im confused. We say we're friends but we are kind of more than that. It's just like before, minus the call sign "babe" and i love yous and i miss yous and late night talks and the sneaking around, but is it just me or is the feelings still there?

You seem to say one thing but do another. You say we cant be together but sometimes act like there's still a possibility of us. Ive always been honest with you. I may not have been very open about what I feel but I show you exactly what im feeling.

So the purpose of this really is - what's your plan? With me? With us? I want to keep you in my life because its just so normal, natural and comfortable with you and I dont want to loose that. You are one of the few constant people in my life and I dont want these feelings or our crazy decisions get in the way of that.

I told you before, if you get to do what you have to do in a year or so and still have the same feelings for me and vice versa then come back to me. I can hear you saying "im not that special" line of yours loud and clear but sue me, I felt how genuine we used to be. That for me is enough to know that these feelings are real.

I've been going in circles with this, sorry. I just want to know where I stand in your life. It will be selfish for you indeed to tell me to wait but at least I know I still have that same person who used to call me in the middle of the night because he misses me and doesn't want the day to end without talking to me. But if you tell me you dont feel the same as before and you truly want to be just friends and you want to fix your relationship with your GF, I'll respect that.

You won't get rid of me that easily though, because no matter what you answer me, I'm staying. Despite those hard times that I miss you and I cant do anything about it, or the times I want nothing else but to be officially yours and vice versa but that perfect framed picture of you with your gf stares right at me, I'm staying. I will eventually get over this feeling, you did, so could I.

And remember when things go bad, or when things are pure bliss or even when things are plainly steady I'll be that one person you can always run to. i'm still going to be that constant person in your life. No matter how tall you build your walls around you, I won't only break through them, I'll destroy it completely. And no matter how many times you push me away, dude, I'm here to stay.

[turtle-steverogers]

Down for the Count

i wrote chaos earlier so here’s some angst.  this isnt my best im sorry uhhhhh forgive me and my jafl;kdkjfd;lkjfs;lakdjf i dont know yall im sdkja;ldsk its fine everythings fine akjdf;alkdjf;ls

warrnings: past minor character deaths, nightmares

ship: platonic ralbert

editing: do i ever?

Albert felt as if he was looking through someone else’s eyes as he watched his father seizing in the front seat.  Screams were erupting from his brothers, Elijah and Thomas’, throat as his mother desperately tried to steer the car to safety.  It was no use.  They were in the middle of the highway- there was nowhere to go.  Subconsciously, Albert fumbled to make sure his brothers were buckled.  He held an arm over Elijah’s middle and grasped Thomas’ hand tightly as they sped over the median.  The world seemed to distort as a black SUV barreled towards them.  His mother was screaming now as well.  He was certain that he was screaming too, but as the collision happened, everything went blank.

Albert’s eyes flew open, his heart pounding fast and heavy in his chest.  The lights in his room were still on and his phone was pinned underneath him.  He became aware of the fact that his socks were still on and he was not under the covers.  He must have fallen asleep on accident.  

Sitting up shakily, the images from his nightmare turned into vivid memories of that awful day.  No one had survived.  Not truly anyway.  Granted, it was only his mother who had been killed in the initial crash, but his father was pronounced dead at the hospital only a short two hours later.  This left Albert to take care of his thoroughly traumatized younger brothers, which was no easy feat considering he was dealing with his own baggage from the incident.

Scrubbing a hand down his face, he became aware of how lightheaded he felt.  He wrapped his arms around his middle, trying to calm down, but his breathing was gaining speed and he knew that if he wasn’t careful, he’d spiral into a breakdown.  He needed to calm down.  He needed to distract himself.  He needed Race.  

He blindly rolled out of bed, slipping off his socks in the process.  When he got to the hall, he noticed light pouring out from under Race’s door.  He was still awake.  As he reached for the doorknob, he hesitated, suddenly feeling self conscious. A wave of shame washed over him and he quickly withdrew his hand, reaching up to run it through his hair in order to expel some nervous energy.  What did he want Race to do?  Hold him like some child?  Rock him back and forth like an infant until he could breathe again?  No, he couldn’t ask that of Race.  He’d already done so much for him after the car crash.  He helped him with his brothers and listened to him as he screamed curses at the world for damning him with this life.  He didn’t need him to help him through some pathetic nightmare- especially since it had been literal years since these memories had plagued him.

He stared at the door blankly, feeling distantly angry at himself for being so weak.  His fists clenched at his sides and he dug his fingernails into his palms so hard they stung.  

He was just about to turn around and go back to his own bedroom when he heard footsteps behind him, then, “Al? What are you doing?”

He jumped and turned around, eyes widening as he made eye contact with Race, who was dressed in boxers and a hoodie.  He was wearing his glasses and holding a mug of something- most likely warm milk with honey: his go to midnight drink.

“Uh,” Albert swallowed around the lump in his throat, his heart rate rising again.

Race’s eyebrows furrowed in concern and he took a careful step towards him, “You okay? You look pretty spooked, is there a spider in your room again?”

Albert shook his head, looking down to his hands and wringing them together.  He took a shaky breath, “N-no, I just, uhm..”

“You just what?” Race asked slowly, “You’re kinda freaking out, man, which is freaking me out. What’s got you worked up?”

“I kinda had a bad dream,” Albert mumbled, refusing to look at Race.

“What, like a nightmare?” Race asked, confusion and concern evident in his voice.  Albert nodded and even though he wasn’t looking, he could feel Race soften, “What about? Wait, here, come in.” Albert stepped out of the way to let Race into the bedroom, then followed him to his bed.  They sat across from each other and Albert tucked his legs under him, picking at a thread on Race’s sheets.  He was aware that his breathing was still a little unsteady, but he couldn’t seem to slow it.  

“Hey,” Race said, breaking the silence, “Talk to me, man.”

Albert steeled himself and flicked his eyes up to Race’s.  He quickly felt overwhelmed and fixed his gaze back on the bed, “I had a dream about the accident.  It hasn’t happened in a few years and..I don’t know.  Kinda shook me up, I guess.”

Race hummed sympathetically, “I’m sorry, dude. D’you know if anything triggered it?”

Albert shrugged, “I dunno.  I don’t even remember falling asleep, which might honestly have something to do with it if that makes sense.”

“Yeah,” Race sipped at his mug, “If you were out of your usual sleep routine, your brain mighta flipped out a bit.  Do you wanna talk about the dream more?”

Albert pursed his lips, emotions rising in his throat as the dream played in his mind again, “No,” he choked, “I really, really don’t.  It’s too much, it’s-“

“Hey,” Race cut him off, hastily putting his mug on his bedside table and crawling over next to Albert, making sure not to touch him, “Hey, you don’t gotta say anything you don’t wanna.  How about this,” he bit his lip, considering his options, “It’s a Friday, so we don’t gotta be anywhere in the morning.  What d’you say we fuck sleep and go watch Phineas and Ferb, yeah?”

Albert felt his chest loosen and he looked up at Race, “Uh, yeah.  Yeah, I’d like that.”

“Yeah?” Race grinned, “Alright c’mon. I’ll go make you some hot cocoa while you set up Netflix.”

“Actually can I have some of that warm milk with honey you make?”

“Yeah, for sure,” Race bounded off the bed and Albert stood too, following him to the living room.  

“Oh and hey, Al?”

“Hm?”

“You can always come talk to me.  Any day, any hour.  Don’t feel like you have to hesitate.”

Albert blushed, warmth spreading through his stomach. He smiled, “Thanks, Racer.”

“‘Course.”

-

thanks for readin, chiefs

hmu to be added to my tag

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tumblr fweinds

a year ago, i was tagged by @suplosers on two questionnaires and it is only now, a year later that i was able to answer em. i’m so sorry it took me this long but yah i’m just glad to get thru dis milestone, answering the first tumblr get to know ya post i was @ at... yaayyy ^^

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people.

I tag: tbd haha i still have to dig thru meh notifs to see which ones apparently took an interest in me so i’d like to take an interest in as well haha but oh @you-guys--are-losers, ur doing this whahaha hope it’s not too much of a bother, no presh watsoever ;3

the last

1. drink: ughh it's dis shitty stuff called hydrite w/c is basically salt water cus im sick rn and it's supposed to rehydrate ur shts or something hahaha

but dat was like a week ago... as of da moment i posted dis, it’s coffee from mini stop dat i drank at like 530 in da morn while i waited until i could enter the school cus i had to commute 3 hours w/ lil to none sleep

2. phone call: my father or one of my best friends

3. text message: the last one i texted was my sister and the last one i got a text from was dis org in school about the location for recruitment/auditions/interview

4. song you listened to: billy jean by michael jackson and i listened to it for meh tomdaya fic hahaha. But i also listened to halo by beyonce, untouchable and dress by taylor swift, and some other songs magmt mentions in her tomdaya fic hehe a week ago

rn, a metal cover of toxic by our last night

5. time you cried: haha i don't actually remember the context of it (i could find out tho haha cus i sent da pic to my best friend) but i took a pic of it while i did it which was on... july 16 hahaha. Oh but w8 oh sht i think i cried after that fudge w8 i don't remember the date (i think i can find this out too hahaha) but i wrote a sortof goodbye confessions letter to one of my dear friends and i wrote there that i externally cried (b4 i just said internally haha) so i'm not entirely sure i cried but i think im pretty sure i teared up hehe

6. dated someone twice: hahaha i haven't even had a legit love interest yet 😆😂 buuutt my best friend and i have "dated" as in spent entire days together w/ just the two of us, we even went to mcdonalds for valentine's day and got each other gifts hihihi aahhh gosh i miss her :'(

7. kissed someone and regretted it: haha im not even sure if dis happened and i have no plans on asking her about it but i remember when i was a kiddo, when my sis came home for some reason i kissed her on the lips hahaha dont remember if accidental or i just brain farted heck i aint even sure if it happened but das all i can answer cus well like i said, see #6 😆😂😆😂

8. been cheated on: hhmmm probs not, i have no idea if ive been cheated on in an unromantic way hahaha but in da romantic way, like i said, no love interest hahaha

Oh w8 does being someone's crush (i aint sure but it seemed like it) and crushing on dat dude but dat dude crushing on someone else too count as cheating? 😆😂😆😂

9. lost someone special: yes, all of my grandparents are dead. I've also lost pets, and i fear i may lose some of my friends due to the distance among us in this time of our lives

10. been depressed: i always wanna be careful over how to define depression. Like wat constitutes it... but yes, i think i have. Not sure, mind you, but yes, at the beginning of gr 7 i was really alone, i think i was bullied and i think i was depressed and going thru a really dark phase of my life back then. But then again, i have to say, i'm not sure.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: hahaha nope. I'm looking forward to getting drunk tho. Im currently underage so im not allowed to drink dat much yet but yeah i wanna know my limits hehehe i hope im da kinda gurl who can handle her liquor but i have drank and i have to say it made me all loopy and weird and just like woke or high or something hahaha so yeah man im excited to get trashed on my 18th bday hahaha (hopefully i get to do this tho huhuhu)

3 favourite colours

12. Pink

13. Blue

14. Gray

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: yyeeesssss and i'm so glad i have hihi. I have made friends w/ a select group of my blockmates and they're awesome and weird, i hope to strengthen our bond in da future hehe. Ooohhh and i sure hope that you guys are losers is my friend cus she's been rlly great :')

16. fallen out of love: i guess the closest i've come to falling out of love in a romantic way is moving on from da heavy crushin on meh crush. But i dunno, i still think he's a unicorn n pretty special to me so i dunno hahaha.

But bro, i do think i have fallen out of love. With tv shows, with characters. Like i used to be so passionate about a few shows and characters but now all i have towards them is regret heck i cant even remember wat dey are but i know dat der was love lost. I know it.

17. laughed until you cried: hahaha yaasss i think so. It's either when i was with my best dearest friends or during the class of dis really cool and funny as heck joker teacher who makes us laugh in EVERY SINGLE CLASS hahaha ahhh das guy's so cool

18. found out someone was talking about you: oohh yah yah i think so. Either from my best friends or from a few of my old classmates i care about and had gotten close with. Da best friend ones was about something in my past/history (g7) and the classmates one i think was just dem talking about me and they told me about it ooohhh i think it was my crush hahahaha. They told me dat my crush actually admired me a lot hehe. There was one time my friend (the one who told me about dis) was putting make up on me for a school film, and my crush was da cam guy and he told my friend i looked pretty. Sooo im pretty lucky dat- oh sht w8 i dunno if it's dis year but oh w8 no, it was on my bday last year (dec 20) and da same friend said she was sorry cus apparently da bois make fun of me or something and she was sorry cus she laughed along too hahaha but i didnt mind cus i know im weird and i dont even know what dey say about me in da first place hahahaha. Ok das it im done, i think ive overshared now hahaha 😆😂😆😂

19. met someone who changed you: my best friends. Ive thought about it based on wat sup losers said about change for da better and i dont rlly think of change as something dat happens quick, i think it happens over time and u dont even notice it. So ok oh sht i think im wrong cus i met my best friends 4/6 years ago hahaha but for reals tho, i was in a dark place and if it werent for dem i think id still be lost lonely and sad. Uuhhmmm in regards to answering the question correctly, i guess my blockmates count since they inspire/challenge me to be better. OH SHT W8 i def think you guys are losers and dead end street and tomdaya receipts and tout de suite have changed me hehehe. Da first 2 in dat dey inspired me to write more hehe. Da 1st one inspired me to do this so i think this counts as change hehe. And da last 2 changed me in dat bcus i met dem, i became OBSESSED w/ tomdaya hahaha.

20. found out who your friends are: yes, i have actually. And it's all because i am now currently a college freshman as well as my friends.

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: hahaha my fam i guess hahaha. But no one in a romantic context.

general

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: hhmmm i guess id say about 200 since i know 4 sections of around 40 ppl and da rest is like fam and ppl ive met once/twice or have passed by haha

23. do you have any pets: yaaaassss 3 doggos: albie, juju, and biggie girl. Juju has a pupper named tchalla called dat cus he black hehehe and biggie has 2 biglets named mermer (meredith) and crissy (cristina) cus they're sisters 😍😊😊

My fam have also had a buncha dogs n puppers before but they were either given away or passed away. My bro also has dis cat named bob and i think he counts as a semi pet since my bro's home is a fam home.

24. do you want to change your name: uuhhh i wish i had an alliterative name like superheroes. Buutt im pretty happy w/ my name :')

25. what did you do for your last birthday: oohhhh i think i was at my section's christmas party it was pretty nice n emotional and i spent da rest of da day w/ 2 of meh best friends who bought me cake n food when my own fam didn't 😆😂😆😂

26. what time did you wake up: 4 am to shit cus im sick, but fell asleep again and officially got up around 730 or 8ish

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: haha tryna stay awake cus i had to drink meh meds and failed oh so much and i think i was asleep by midnight hahaha

28. name something you can’t wait for: tomdaya content, chatting/being w/ my best friends, watching da stuff i wanna watch, tumblring, reading sht i wanna read, vacation, writing fanfics, learning how to do a buncha stuff (write screenplays, make films n gifs, draw better), my bday when i hopefully get to do wat i want haha, avengers 4 and smffh, and captain marvel and antman and the wasp too i guess haha oh and the incredibles 2 and httyd 3 😍😍😍 oohhh and crazy rich asians

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: on monday which was when i was at home and not at my dad's n sis' n i's apartment in manila for school/work

31. what are you listening to right now: commercials on da tv as i answer this long ass questionnaire hahaha

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: hahaha i had to think about dis one but yah i have actually haha he was my gr 8 class mate n i like to think semi friend back den at least haha. Oh w8 but he doesn't go by tom tho, it's just thomas haha

33. something that is getting on your nerves: myself hahaha my shitty lazy ass procrastinating self hahaha 😅🙍

34. most visited website: fb specifically messenger, youtube, and tumblr

35. hair colour: hmmm black w/ a bit of brown i guess (ASIAN, YO! 😆😂😆😂)

36. long or short hair: neither, medium i guess haha. I like how long hair looks but it's such a bother n hassle haha. So i def would prefer short hair on a practical standpoint hahaha (im actually thinking of shaving the hair above my nape, yknow on da back of my head hehe)

37. do you have a crush on someone: well i dont have dat much of a crush on da crush i mentioned before, like i said haha. I have a crush on tomdaya, does dat count? 😆😂

38. what do you like about yourself: hahahaha nothing 😆😂😆😂🙍

Naahh uhhh i guess i like how much i love tv shows, i love meh fangirl self, and i like how diff n unique n weird i am, how i stand out, n dat i think my dreams are noble n worth tryin out. N i like how supportive n nice i am n im just chill on da outside haha. N sometimes i like meh face hehe. And i think dat im hilarious n weird n ppl should appreciate me more hahaha das y i crave for more validation dan consulting researchers hahaha (no one laughs at dat jokes and it's like im da only one who finds it funny and come on, man, i managed to make a research joke. Cant ya give a girl a break?)

n i guess sometimes it's good how much i care but sometimes i wish my feels could just chill for just like a minute pls

Thanks, man. I usually just focus on meh bad qualities so thanks for dis question, man :')

oh and i like dat i can swim hehe

39. piercings: i have holes on my ears for earrings but i don't really wear dem

40. blood type: a, i think?

41. nickname: sam, sab, and i rlly want to be called smells cus it's like a more me version of mels from melody hahaha

42. relationship status: single, yo. Oh w8 but i am married to my bed and fandoms so dey always come first. Plus i love my friends 😍😊

43. zodiac: sagittarius i think but i dont rlly know/care about zodiac sht. Tho it's nice if it does match up hehe

44. pronouns: uhhh i dont know wat to put here but i assume dis refers to wat i wish to be referred by ssoooo she, her, and a genderless pronoun in my language siya

45. favourite tv show: ughh i cant choose. Friends, grey's anatomy, phineas and ferb, avatar: the last airbender, black mirror, doctor who, and all of michael schur's stuff, and modern family, grimm, person of interest, pushing daisies, scrubs, happy endings, forever, how i met your mother, gravity falls, sherlock, and yknow wat? Yah, supernatural too and the httyd shows and suits :') oooohhh w8 and how to get away w/ murder and i guess big bang theory as well 😃 the end of the fucking world, legends of tomorrow, crazy ex-girlfriend, the good place, timeless but it’s kinda depressing so speaking of w/c game of thrones and west world and a series of unfortunate events and stranger things and scorpion and lost in space and for anime, let’s go with yakitate japan and boku no hero academia

46. tattoos: none, but i rlly want one and even have a list of tattoos i want (pretty minimalist), i just have to think of da perf place tho (both where to put it and where to get it) and find out if i can still donate meh bod if i have tattoos, but one of da ones i rlly want is smileys on meh fingers hehe

47. right or left handed: right, but my ma says im kinda ambidextrous n i kinda wish i could develop it hehe

48. surgery: haha nope, never. But in terms of an interest, i love grey's anatomy 😆😂

50. sport: ooohh my main sport is swimming cus my siblings are all swimmers so i am too. But i have played other sports for school like badminton, table tennis, volleyball, some water game i dont remember haha, and a combat sport in my country called arnis

51. vacation: christmas vacay and i cant wait huhu

52. pair of trainers: uhhh are trainers rubber shoes? I have a couple, i guess.

GENERAL

53. eating: my dad (who cooked our meal), sis, and i ate afritada (chicken dat's tomatoey basically) for dinner

54. drinking: just water, but ugh i have to drink da hydrite sht again 😑😒

55. I’m about to: finish dis questionnaire n fall asleep haha

56. waiting for: sleep n happiness

57. want: to sleep n write n tumblr n watch n read n for all my problems to disappear

58. get married: yeahhh... but i think it's highly unlikely, man. So i aint counting on it but i do want it to happen, it seems nice having someone to spend da rest of your life with :')

59. career: hahaha i'm still just a college student, just a newly minted freshman actually. But i like to consider myself a fulltime fangirl hahaha

WHICH IS BETTER

60. hugs or kisses: well, i havent rlly made out with anyone yet so im gonna have to say hugs i guess w/c ofc i love haha but i wish someone bigger than me could cuddle me for once in my life 😢

61. lips or eyes: lips cus they just seem so soft and sensual hehe. Plus i dunno man, eyes are kinda gross with muta (da sht in da corner of ur eyes when you wake up, it's a filipino word) and sht. And ya have to wear glasses/contacts if dey weak so it's just such a hassle. Tho i do recognize their importance n stuff 😊

62. shorter or taller: ugh TALLER. im a pretty tall gal so for once id like to be da lil spoon for once, for someone to be able to carry me and ya know all dat jazz. But i wouldnt give up my height for anything, makes me feel confident and better than everyone else mwuehehehehehehe

63. older or younger: uuuhhh for now i think it's a bit weird to date someone younger dan me, but for me personally, wat age i'd like to be, YOUNGER ALL DA WAY. it was just way less stressful and innocent back den, id give anything to go back 🙍

64. nice arms or nice stomach: haha nice arms if it means i can swing around them and they can carry me whahaha. But i do like em abs, i wanna feel wat abs feel like just once in my life hahaha

65. hookup or relationship: ooohhh i guess i fancy myself having a relationship for now hehe. Havent even had one yet haha.

66. troublemaker or hesitant: i am a hesitant troublemaker whahahahaha. Like i have all these ideas of thangs to do n sometimes i do dem but sometimes da situation n context scares me into not doing it like a wuss hahaha

HAVE YOU EVER:

67. kissed a stranger: haha nope.

68. drank hard liquor: haha nope but am looking forward to it hehe

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: thankfully i havent needed any yet whew

70. turned someone down: uhhh i guess the closest i came to "turning someone down" was being awkward around my crush haha but to be fair i think he was awkward too hahaha. And in an unromantic sense, i turned down a blockmate who offered to be my partner in an assignment becus i already had a partner hahahaha 😅

71. sex on the first date: haha havent experienced it if das wat ur askin. Maybe imma be dat kinda person after ive had a couple of relationships but for now i'll settle for someone actually being interested in me hahaha

73. had your heart broken: yes, by tv shows, and by da crappiness of life in general 🙇

74. been arrested: hahahaha nope but dat would be CRAZY hahaha

75. cried when someone died: yes, whether in real life or in tv shows, i have cried bcus of death 😢

76. fallen for a friend: look, man, my best friend's probably the most important person in my life who i couldnt bear to lose. I love her more dan anything in da world so i dunno if our friendship is something more dan da "typical" best friends i just know dat i love her n dat i dont wanna lose her n dat our bond's nothing like any other relationship ive ever had

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. yourself: hahahaha not rlly 😅 im pretty unreliable tbh and i make tons of mistakes and ill never be enough ever and just in general hate myself and have 0 self esteem hahaha 😅😅😅😓

But there's a chance i could improve tho, a very very VERY small tiny chance... but i guess i'll take wat i can get :/

78. miracles: hhmmm not in da way most ppl think about miracles in dat, it's da impossible event. I like to think it's a miracle that i have the family dat i have, da friends dat i have, and da life dat i have cus honestly i think i'd be dead w/o em. It's a fucking miracle i have things im passionate about and things that i love and im surrounded by ppl who i love and who love me as well. So yeah, i guess i believe in those kinds of miracles :')

79. love at first sight: hahaha not rlly. Look, man, im a fat girl who doesnt rlly care dat much about looks so unless a person manages to fall for someone while dat someone was doing something dat was a huge indicator of their personality and thus it's not only da appearance dat da person "fell in love w/", den i rlly dont believe in love at first sight. It's just infatuation, bruh. Love at first sight is cheap and u dont rlly know any thing about dat person other than the fact that they're pretty (why they caught ur eye in da 1st place imo) and nothin, zilch. Unless, like i said, they were doing something important to dem n indicative of deir personality. But even then, it wouldnt be love. Like i said, it'd be infatuation cus imo love is deep and takes time and cant just HAPPEN just cus u looked at someone and thought he/she was pretty 😒. True love would mean knowing dat person to deir bone but wanting to know more about dem. So to conclude a ted talk from a bitter person w/ a non existent love life 😆😂😂😂, love at first sight doesnt exist, is cheap, and is discriminatory to "ugly" ppl.

80. santa claus: hahaha i know he probs doesnt exist and is u know basically just capitalism n marketing hahaha. But i dunno, man, i kinda wanna believe he exists just cus it's more fun n childlike n innocent 😍

81. kiss on the first date: hahaha yeah i guess so but i think i probs would have had to known dat person for a while before we decided to date. I havent had a first kiss yet sooo i aint just willin to give dat out to someone i just met/knew for like a day or something hahaha (i have no idea how dating works) 😆😂😆😂😆😂

82. angels: huh... i like to think guardian angels exist cus dat means there are like angels of pure light sent down from heaven to protect us from any harm w/c is just nice to think about, yknow? Hehe. But angels in da catholic sense... i dont think i do, bruh. Sorry :/ *shrugs*

OTHER:

84. eye colour: uuhhhh brown, i guess? Like i said, i dont rlly care much for eyes hahaha 😅 ooohh but da purple eyes thang ive seen on da internet sounds cool hahaha

85. favourite movie: aaaahhhhh there's just so many good movies thoo

But agghh fine. Ive come to notice dat my genre's pretty lighthearted w/c is nice actually hehe

Spider-Man: Homecoming, Rogue One, 10 Things I Hate About You, Moana, Coco, Mulan, Avengers: Infinity War, White Chicks cus it's just so goddamn funny and iconic 😆😂😆😂😍, i'm not- ok you know wat, da Pixar movies in general ok? I mean, how can ya not? Oh which reminds me, Tangled, and The Princess and The Frog, oohh The Avengers is also a pretty solid movie, ooohhh Love, Simon, godhs dat was just such a wholesome sweet n nice movie :'), oh and den i freaking love the Scream franchise, man. It's so good :'), oooohhh w8 maybe The Dark Knight cus heath ledger was just da fuking bomb in dat movie, oohh and About Time's da sweetest time travel movie :') w/c reminds me dat the Back to the Future franchise was just such a classic, man :') oh and yknow wat? Unbreakable's actually pretty fucking cool, man. I get shyamalan know haha. Oh and yknow wat? 100 Tula Para Kay Stella is da 1st filipino film i actually liked so it has a special place in meh heart :')

ooohhh and Black Panther, man, gods how can one not bring up Da King™? WAKANDA FOREVER :') 😄

Oh and hey yknow wat? I have a sweet spot for the Sorcerer's Apprentice. It's kinda a guilty pleasure of mine hehe 😅

Whiicchh reminds me... the HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON FRANCHISE HAS GOT MY HART WHIPPED 😭😭😭

Oh and i also rlly like when harry met sally hihi :') and i guess the OG Star Wars trilogy's got a special place in my heart even if it is da way dat it is now 😢 :')

oh and i can't forget meh guardians :') Guardians of The Galaxy is such a solid film, bro. I loved it :') ooohhh and yknow wat? I actually rlly like Ready Player One, Baby Driver, and The Mummy (the brendan frasier one, who ya kiddin 😑)

oh and yknow wat? The Wedding Singer, 50 First Dates, and Music & Lyrics has got a special place in my heart, man. Gotta admit it :')

aawww and amelie, and begin again, and flipped and hercules, and room, and spotlight, and shape of water, and ladybird, and the princess bride, and the iron giant, and the lobster, and we're the millers, and what if and man up and shrek and kimi no na wa and a quiet place and inception and the lion king and to all the boys I’ve loved before and oooh tim burton movies are pretty cool, the animated ones, and I did spend a good amount of time obsessed w/ dis one so I guess cap civil war, and then big hero 6 and wreck it ralph, and the martian and inside out, and gone girl, and the lion king and forrest gump and spider-man 1 and 2, and les miserables and the devil wears prada and the book of life and the intern and the princess diaries and miss congeniality and aladdin and confessions of a shopaholic

And ok, ok, i think im done. Hahaha das it das my list of meh all time fav movies and i feel like rewatching all of em now hahaha 😍

[angies-team]

92 Questions Tag!

TAGGED BY:  @hello-em75 (who is in every way awesome) 

last:

drink: A wierd grape juice fruit blend thingy. I don’t really know but it was good.

phone call: my mother

text message: ditto ^^^^

song you listened to: Two Feet- I feel like i’m drowning.

time you cried: This morning I was watching Stranger Things okay 

have you:

dated someone twice: neyooo

kissed someone and regretted it: yeah. Every night i put my younger brother to bed and regret giving him a kiss of the cheek when he makes some sort of annoying comment.

been cheated on: sorry that role goes to my tests.

lost someone special: yeah, family, I’ve had a few friends who have passed away for multiple different reasons, some more painful than others. Uhhh... I’ve lost a few fictional characters close to my heart.

been depressed: oh look it’s the title of my autobiography.

gotten drunk and thrown up: nopers

list three favorite colors:

blue

blue  aquamarine

also blue multiple other colours that are also cool

in the last year have you:

made new friends: I HAvE. I sweaarrr. I have friends! It’s hard to sit alone ever though, but I wouldn’t change things even if i had the chance.

fallen out of love: nah, my heart still belongs to my one true love, Hayden Christensen. 

laughed until i cried: did that yesterday, actually. 

found out someone was talking about you: probably, but i don’t remember.

found out who your friends are: Iii’mmm not exactly sure what this means but one of my friends did turn out to be Batman soooo...yeah. no i didn’t i’m kidding i swear

kissed someone on your facebook list: nope

general:

how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: probably most if not all of them

do you have any pets: we have two turtles: Spock and Chopper. (Chopper is the biggest lil shit too it’s perfect)

do you want to change your name: i mean not really. If i were going to i’d just make my nickname my legal name since it’s what everyone calls me already anyway.

what did you do for your last birthday: Which was TODAY WUT. uhhh idk played a little BATTLEFRONT 2 (IT’S AMAZING GAH), 

what time do you wake up: well i should wake up by at least 7 to get to school on time but lately I've been sick and i’m always sleeping in and late for school. Usually ranges from 8-8:30 on schooldays and i have no idea for weekends. 

what were you doing at midnight last night: uh i was totally sleeping. I wasn’t watching stranger things at all. nope. nuh uh. not a chance.

name something you can’t wait for: The last JEDI. gah just give it to me now i’m already dead you can’t kill me any more.

when was the last time you saw your mom: today

what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my math and Physics mark. that or get rid of my stupid concussion so i can do things again.

what are you listening to right now: 

have you ever talked to a person named tom: yeah, my late grandfather. There have probably been other Tom’s in my life but i can’t think of one off the top of my head. 

something that is getting on your nerves: MATH. and this guy who keeps following me around and WROTE ME A FRIKIN POEM nopenopenope abort.

most visited website: youtube honest

mole/s: i don’t think i have any?

mark/s: freckles (if that counts, but i have like five and they’re practically invisible when it’s not summer), the large scar that appeared on my cheek this week, cuts, scrapes and bruises here or there.

childhood dream: teacher *shudders* glad i gave that one a rest.

hair color: dirty-ish light blond sort of thing i have no clue what my hair is. My eyebrows are black though and no i haven’t ever dyed my hair, except for that one time this year i went as sabine for Halloween

long or short hair: short. my hair was halfway down my back in around March and i chopped it all off for star wars.

do you have a crush on someone: sort of? I mean i don’t think it really counts as a crush i just think this guy is kind of cute but he also looks IDENTICAL TO EZRA I KID YOU NOT i swear on my life it’s crazy. but yeah that’s kind of the only reason i’m sort of obsessed with him i guess? But yeah I honestly dont even know who he is and I’ve only talked to him like three times and two were like “oh hey sorry is someone sitting here?” “oh no. sorry i’ll move my bag because its on your chair.” so yeahh. fun stuff.

what do you like about yourself: ummmmm... things? I love that i can find beauty in music and the world in ways alot of people can’t and i feel lucky because of that. My artistic personality is realy what defines me other than my constant use of sarcasm and dry humor, as well as terrible jokes and combacks that aren’t even comebacks and it’s helped me become who i am and will be fore the rest of my life. i love that i can use not only pictures but song, as well as words to express myself and other things to the world. I’m also terrible with words when i’m speaking so being able to write down what i mean with the detail needed to paint the picture into your mind is great. i also make no sense. like all the time.

piercings: one simple hole in each ear is enough for me

blood type: I....don’t actually know.

nicknames: Angie, Ange, Angeasaurus, tangeriene, angerine, Rey (it’s a long story), Bob, Frank, Joe (i am being serious, actually) 

relationship status: single not like a pringle because pringles come on tins which hold alot more than a single pringle (heh) soooo what am i even sayig

zodiac: scorpio

pronouns: she/her

favorite tv show: ooohhh that’s an unfair question. 

right or left hand: right

surgery: i don’t think so?

hair dyed in different colour: oh look i just talked about this. uh yeah, but temporarily for halloween

sport: ice hockey, water polo, tennis, swimming, baseball, something else i’m 100 percent forgetting.

vacation: i legit just went somewhere and i kid you not i cannot remember where it was. my memory is actually really bad.

pair of trainers: either my white sneakers or, if it’s winter or fall i’m always wearing my boots.

more general:

eating: a lolipop :)

drinking: lemonade

i’m about to: draw something stupid (probably)

want: to just feel like I’ve made a difference. To be happy. 

get married: one day. but i’m like 17 so...

career: broke student(?)

hugs or kisses: hugssss

lips or eyes: eyes mostly, but both

shorter or taller: taller

older or younger: older

nice arms or nice stomachs: both is the way to gooo

sensitive or loud: really depends on the time, place, and people

hookup or relationship: relationship

troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker

have you ever:

kissed a stranger: nopers

drank hard liquor: uh yeah. i accidentally downed my mom’s vodka when i was like 11 because i thought it was water. heh mistakes.

lost glasses/contacts: i’m using my mom’s glasses actually right now because i lost mine

turned someone down: all the time tbh. just the other day actually (in my defense he was stalking me and it was getting creppy)

sex on the first date: uh nooooooooooo

personal:

broken someone’s heart: yeah (i feel like a terrible person saying yeah, but the things this guy did to me to try and get me to like him back were ridiculous)

had your heart broken: everytime my favorite fictional characters die okay in all seriousness, nope. I’ve never really liked someone that way. except for that one time when i was 12 but that’s a story for another time

been arrested: nope

cried when someone died: yeah. my grandfather earlier this year, a friend of mine commited suicide last year, and another one just died this yeah in a hit and run accident. so. other than that... *glares at stoick*

fallen for a friend: not as of current date

do you believe in:

yourself: sometimes 

miracles: yeah.

love at first sight: nah. romeo and Julliet is a LIE. sort of.

santa claus: nope. (i blame my mother for not being more stealthy when i was 11)

kisses on the first date: i guess it would depend

other:

current best friend: doesn’t have tumblr and would rather i didn’t say his name.

eye color: blue (except when it’s really bright outside they turn almost white. it’s creepy)

favorite movie: The Empire Strikes Back

TAGGING: @twiggy242 @tarched @leffie-draws-fanart @jeditimelordinthetardis @fanwriter02 @fangirling1998 and anyone else who feels like doing this!

[crotchexplorer666]

ALL

Ri beat yew to it, Gnart. x’”D

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?My brother. He messed something up on one of my game accounts and kept crying even though I kept telling him I wasn’t angry.

2. Are you outgoing or shy?Both? This is a hard question..

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?Uh, all of my friends?? No matter how long it takes...

4. Are you easy to get along with?If I like you. I’m really good at avoiding people.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?Probably. They better tell me that I did some wacky things while I was drunk, or I will be very ashamed of myself.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?No single personality type. People who don’t think they’re smarter than me are nice. ;D

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?No.

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?Chuck Norris. When there’s a meteor shower, Chuck Norris grabs a bar of soap.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?A little, but it depends on who’s bringing up the conversation. 

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?Does insulting myself with deep remarks count..? Otherwise, @rubbishbin--trash. c”x

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“My Gatorade bottle is empty... RIP x666”@the-devils-assisstant

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?- “Take Me Home Tonight” by Eddie Money- “Magic Man” by Heart- “Hells Bells” by AC/DC- “Renegade” by Styx- “Come on Eileen” by (I think) Dexy’s Midnight Runners- +1000 more13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?No, but people really like to??

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Oh, yes. What else would I do?

15. What good thing happened this summer?Summer camp, and I drew a little-

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?My dad? I don’t care..?

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?Eh, I don’t mind hearing other people’s opinions.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?Carlos? Nah.

19. Do you like bubble baths?I’ve only had one bubble bath in my life. With Claire. x”D 

20. Do you like your neighbors?They are so nice, and then I feel bad for not visiting them more often. One time, I had to borrow someone’s phone, so I went over to Anne’s house (she’s probably in her 40s because the neighbors around here aren’t usually young). Before she let me borrow her phone, she let me inside to eat cookies with her and started asking how I was doing and being so nice.

21. What are your bad habits?Biting my lip, hating on myself whenever no one else is around to distract me, forgetting to eat..? x”D

22. Where would you like to travel?To any of my internet friends. .v.

23. Do you have trust issues?No, but that isn’t all that great.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?There is no “daily” routine ^^’, but I like going to jazz band practice on Wednesday nights.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? M y n o s e.

26. What do you do when you wake up?Check my phone-

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?Lighter. I was always jealous of people with very pale skin because then their hair could be dyed any color without having to worry about it clashing with their skin color. ;o; 

28. Who are you most comfortable around?Myself.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?I have no ex’s-

30. Do you ever want to get married?Yes. ;v;

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?Yeah. xx I’m too wimpy to cut it short.

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?No, thanks-

33. Spell your name with your chin.jdennkcvdfdOMG THAT ALMOST WORKED

34. Do you play sports? What sports?Cross country in ze fall, softball, and I wanted to do track but softball was in the same season. xx

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?No TV, pls. I’ll make my own cartoons if I have to..

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?Duh.

37. What do you say during awkward silences?Do you like cats?

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?Uh-- I’m very flexible-- Though I would love it if someone (even just a friend) wrote me a poem. ;w; I write poems for my teachers and friends.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?I go all around the place??

40. What do you want to do after high school?yo mama Go to UCLA

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?Mhmm, even murderers. (A reasonable second chance with the adequate amount of security cameras making sure they don’t repeat their wrongdoings.)

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?There’s chaos inside my mind.

43. Do you smile at strangers?Yeah, doesn’t everyone?? .o. Just me?? Okay..

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?Neither.. c”x I like staying on dry land..

45. What makes is the reason you get out of bed in the morning?@natisuttertrash

46. What are you paranoid about?Everything-

47. Have you ever been high?Nah.

48. Have you ever been drunk?Nuh-uh, but I intend to one day. (weird goals)

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?I don’t think so.

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?Gray. (PE clothes..)

51. Ever wished you were someone else?Hell, yes. 

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?M y n o s e

53. Favourite makeup brand?None?

54. Favourite store?Nope..

55. Favourite blog?I can’t choose a favorite, guys. ;o;

56. Favourite colour?Red. Any variation of red. Pink, maroon, etc. Black and white look great with red, too. ;v; Red, black, and white. y e s

57. Favourite food?All things with rice.

58. Last thing you ate?Pretzels..

59. First thing you ate this morning?P-pretzels..

60. Ever won a competition? For what?A chugging competition with soda. x”D

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?Noooooo

62. Been arrested? For what?Nooooooooooooooooo

63. Ever been in love?...Yes

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?Uh, I doubt kissing someone on the cheek in a game of “family” when I was 7 counts.

65. Are you hungry right now?Nah, I had an ass-load of pretzels. Many donkey bags full. 

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?They are all equal. ^^

67. Facebook or Twitter?I don’t use either. xx (I have accounts, I just don’t use ‘em.)

68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?Nah.

70. Names of your best friends?Is it bad that I have ten-- I do have to admit, I have my favorites. (But I won’t say..)

71. Craving something? What?Pretzels.

72. What colour are your towels?All the colors. Literally. There’s even burgundy, mint, etc. in the mix. It’s kinda ugly.

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?Sometimes one, sometimes six.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?I sleep with my kitty. ;v;

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?More stuffed animals than pretzels.

75. Favourite animal?Cats--

76. What colour is your underwear?Of course I just happened to be wearing my ONLY pair of hot pink panties right now.

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Vanilla.

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Mint chip, FTW.

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?What if I’m not wearing a shirt..? (It’s blue)

80. What colour pants?Black with ninja turtles.

81. Favourite tv show?S p o n g e b o b will always be my #1.

82. Favourite movie?Either Blended, Mean Girls, or this other one I can’t remember atm.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?The original is always boss. Both slay me, tho.

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?Mean Girls

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?KAREN SMITH ;O;

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?Nemo’s mom.

87. First person you talked to today?My dad.

88. Last person you talked to today?@the-devils-assisstant

89. Name a person you hate?I’d rather not say. c”x

90. Name a person you love?@natisuttertrash

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?Me.

92. In a fight with someone?No? I don’t think so?

93. How many sweatpants do you have?I don’t know. x”D

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?At least four.

95. Last movie you watched?The Cobbler.

96. Favourite actress?Marilyn Monroe.

97. Favourite actor?ADAM SANDLER-- YOU DONT NEED TO ASK ME TWICE

98. Do you tan a lot?Not intentionally ;^;

99. Have any pets?My precious kitty, Benjamin. .D.

100. How are you feeling?Do I have to answer every question on this??

101. Do you type fast?If you asked one of my friends, they’d say something along the lines of: “Hell, yes.”

102. Do you regret anything from your past?Ye; I lie about that a lot, though.

103. Can you spell well?Y E S

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?Oh, yeah. Sydney was the best. ;n;

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?Yes, actually. 

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?Probably. xx

107. Have you ever been on a horse?Oh, yeah. My first time on a horse was TACKLESS on an ARABIAN on a RAINY DAY. (Luckily Liesie’s the horse wrangler.)

108. What should you be doing?I don’t know.

109. Is something irritating you right now?Yes. You never asked what.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?Yeah. >~

111. Do you have trust issues?Refer to #23, I think.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?I don’t remember.

113. What was your childhood nickname?J-J

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Well, I was born in Tokyo, moved to the US, and moved three times within the state while visiting my grandparents in China every summer (until they passed away).

115. Do you play the Wii?I don’t have one of those thingies. x”D

116. Are you listening to music right now?Yes... PSYCHIC, I TELL YOU.

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?Yes but I ran out of it ;o;

118. Do you like Chinese food?I am Chinese.

119. Favourite book?Any Percy Jackson book. ;D Is it bad that I still ship Reyco after Riordan crushed some of our hearts in a subtle way by having Reyna brother-zone Nico and then having Nico and Will get together?? 

120. Are you afraid of the dark?Not when I’m with someone else.

121. Are you mean?I don’t know. Am I?

122. Is cheating ever okay?Depends.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?Nah. x”D

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?Y e s

125. Do you believe in true love?What’s your definition of true love?

126. Are you currently bored?No, because I have this 150-question thingy to take care of--

127. What makes you happy?Music.

128. Would you change your name?YES. I would literally change my name from Jenn to June. 

129. What your zodiac sign?Gemini.

130. Do you like subway?Subway or subways? Subway is okay. I don’t think I’ve ever been on a subway.

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?Lock myself in a room and think everything through.

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?Wasn’t this already asked??

133. Favourite lyrics right now?The lyrics of “Come Together” by Beatles. (I prefer the Aerosmith cover, tho)

134. Can you count to one million?Nope.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?I tell a lot of dumb lies to make it obvious that I’m lying. That’s just how I fail at being funny. ;w;

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Closed.

137. How tall are you?5′3

138. Curly or Straight hair?My hair never decides. Everytime I take a shower I never know if it will drive straight, wavy, or curly. xx Plus it’s hard to brush.

139. Brunette or Blonde?Brunette. MY HAIR IS DARK BROWN; N O T B L A C K.

140. Summer or Winter?Winter days, Summer nights (I prefer Summer nights).

141. Night or Day?Night. ;u;

142. Favourite month?December. 

143. Are you a vegetarian?No, but sometimes it seems like it. x”D

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?A l l o f t h e m.

145. Tea or Coffee?

146. Was today a good day?Meh.

147. Mars or Snickers?Snickers.

148. What’s your favourite quote?Ahhh, too little time left over to decide.

149. Do you believe in ghosts?This question is too hard. c”x

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?“The children’s pants had large wooden boxes in them.”

[soundsgoodfeelsgood]

Thursday 14th may, day 66

NOTE: i actually wrote this as a presentation letter to a guy on Slowly, but i really liked how it turned out so i thought “hm, might as well post this”. Here you go.

So here are 10 maybe-not-that-interesting facts about me. 

1. My name in italian literally means "clear" and yet i have the same expression capability of a 5-year-old. It takes me forever to express myself in my native langue and I find it easier to speak in english, which can be quite a challenge when talking to my friends as you can imagine. Actually nobody calls me by my name, people usually refer to me by my surname, even my closest friends. (that's Cili if you where wondering, like red hot chili pepper) 

2. In just a month i'll be graduating from high school and in september i'm going to start med school. I don't actually know why i'll be attending it since the very last thing i want to be when i grow up is a doctor. I have really, really low empathy so i don't think i could ever pull that off. Whant i want to be when i grow up is a resercher in neurosciences. There is nothing more fascinating then the human brain. I find utterly...disarming how everything we are, everything we do, all of our thought and movements are decided by how some tiny-iny particles of living matter interact with each other. The human body is the most beautiful of mysteries and everything it does is the result of a tiny miracle. I worship science. I love to find all the science that surrounds me and learn about it. And while i'm quite a thinker the subject i hate the most is philosophy. The only two authors i ever sincerely liked are Plato and Popper. The rest is garbage. 

3. I have quite a memory. I perfectly remember stuff that has happened to me over 10 years ago. Like that one time when i was 8 and i was angry at my friend Dave so i started to throw comic books at him. Or how i used to go around my grandma's garden with my cousins dressed up in Sandocan costumes looking for pinecones that we would later smash in order to eat the pine nuts inside them. And how could I not mention when at 10 my friends and I organised a whole funeral for a ladybug that had drowned in their pool? we made this little raft out of a plastic plate, put the ladybug on it with some flowers and plants and then had a full celtic-like ceremony (we even wrote a eulogy). But the thing i remember the easiest are songs. I know hundres of thousands of song lyrics by heart. My playlist has over 600 songs and i can recognise any of them within 5 seconds (no kidding). Also i have the weirdest music taste. I like Queen as much as One Direction as much as early-2000s pop rock as much as indie as much as musicals. I believe music to be the expression of one's soul. Like, there are some songs that literally speak to the deepest part of me and if i didn't know any better i'd think they were written especially for me. 

4. I'm an INTJ like Christopher Nolan, Elon Musk and Moriarty from Sherlock Holmes. I'm also a Ravenclaw even though Pottermore keeps putting me in Hufflepuff.  As for the zodiac (in which i don't believe in but still read) i'm technically a scorpio but because i was born on the first day of scorpio at five past midnight, my zodiac-obsessed friend keeps telling me i'm a cusp which is something i had no idea existed until she pointed that out. As they say, you never stop learning. 

5. I can solve rubik's cube in under a minute. My friend from robotics clubs tought me. Also, i'm in my schools robotics club. Last year we built a piano-playing robot and we're currently second in italy and forth in europe in our category.  This year we were planning on going to the international competitions but then coronavirus happened so...yeah. Still, robotics is one of the best thing that has ever happened to me. Not for the club itself but for the people I met and for all the beautiful experiences and for that one time in october when we sneaked wine into our hotel room and the next morning i was so hungover i slept the whole day while tecnically competing. 

6. I have a thing for alpacas. I don't know why, i think they're cute. I have a mug with an alpaca on it where i store my markers (i also have a thing for markers). One of my dreams is to see them in Machu Pichu (the alpacas, not the markers). I loooooooove travelling. It's the one thing i could never get tired of. I have an endless list of places i want to visit. My goal is to visit every continent before i turn 30 (the earlier, the better). So far i've been to North America (the USA, twice), Africa (Morocco and Egypt) and i've visited most european capital cities (London, Paris, Berlin, Madrid, Luxemburg, Bruxelles, and many other). As of right now there's Singapore on top of my list, immediatly followed by Peru. Travellig is such a unique experience. Every where you go there's always something new to learn and to discover. Different culture, different food, different languages. I adore languages of all kind. I'm fluent in italian (duh) and english (even tho i make tons of mistakes - i'm sorry), advanced in french and currently learning spanish. 

7. I'm writing a book. Let me rephrase that - I'm writing a trilogy. It's actually a little more complicated than that to be honest. When i started high school i started writing this fairly awful teen-fiction-like novel and than i though to myself: why not make another book where i write the same exact story but from a different point of view and with a totally different style with no reason whatsoever? Five years later, i'm still not even halfway done with a first draft of any of the three books. I mostly use them as a creative outlet, something i do when i'm bored, just for the fun of it. But as stupid as they can be, they're still my creatures and i love them. Even though i'm sort of embarassed of them - no one i know has ever read them. I once tried to show the first few chapters to a group of friends and they still make fun of me for it (but they do it in that friend way that doesn't really offend, you know what i mean?). I just love words so much. I even have a list of favourite words written in my journal. Some exemples are "scrosciare", which is the italian word for the noise of heavy rain falling, and words that are what they mean, like obsolete and cacophonic.

8. if i were to write this last year, i'd tell you i don't believe in friendship. Now, my mind hasn't change that much, i still believe to have no friends in the way i consider a friend is supposed to be. And i know i talked about my friends quite s few times throughout this letter but i usually use this word in absence of something that better explains what i really feel. I'll try to make this as clear as i can. I struggle to make a connection with people. i always feel like people click with each other in misterious ways i have yet to understand. Most of those i identify as my friends are just the people i hang out with. There is no...spiritual connection? It's a little complicated to explain. As if at the beginning of times we were handed some instruction booklets on "human interaction and realtionships" and i lost mine, while everyone else carfully guarded theirs. The word that best describes what i think of most people is afecionado. I don't know where i read it but it pretty much explains it all - someone i feel affection for, but nothing else. I do have a best friend tho. I mean, best friend is quite a big word. I have a human being i feel more connected with in comparison to others. I’ve known him since forever and i hate him. I dont hate hate him as in i want him dead. I love him as a friend, he's a great friend. but i hate him as a human being. He's so goddam perfect it bothers me so much. Have you ever met someone that is just so annoingly good at any thing? well that's him. 

9. I have never fallen in love. Not once. The last time i had a crush i was 11. This is what happens when you are an hopeless romantic who grew up reading love stories and at the same time a creepingly logical human. You have incredibly high expectations. And the only time i kissed someone it was more of a lips-touching-for-a-second kind of experience and we were both very much drunk (it was actually the first out of the three times in my life i ever got drunk, the third being the wine experience in october) When i first met said best friend everyone we knew shipped up ("shipped" as in the fandom term meaning two people should date) and there was a moment this summer when i thought i was developping feelings for him but it was just a second. And i may or may not have dreamed of dating this french guy i saw twice at a drama festival. 

10. I love quotes. I think it's part of the memorising thing - learning quotes by heart. Songs, books, speeches, vines, stand up comedians. I also have a very weird sense of humor, basically anything makes my laugh like bad puns and dank memes. Anyway, i have this thing on my door where i write all the quotes i like. Mostly they're from songs, but i also have two from Dante's Divine Comedy. In italy we study it our third year of high school and my teacher is so obsessed with it that she made us learn over 200 verses by heart.