#I don't really go online anymore thought I'd write this for activity

[dagdasgoddess]

x

[wzrd-wheezes]

Carolling - James Potter x Reader

AN- so I had this idea at the start of december based on that tiktok trend that was going around but i kinda ran out of time to write it. I hope its not too late to post this! I was also thinking about doing a remus and sirius version but idk. Anyways! I hope you all had a lovely festive period <3

It was a silly idea, really. One that had come up many times on her phone as she scrolled mindlessly on her commute to work. James was usually the one behind the pranks but today she decided it was her turn. 

Her fingers tapped across the keys of her phone as she typed out the message to her boyfriend.  

“Are you free on the 20th Dec?” 

His response was almost immediate, albeit him being at work. 

“Think so lovey. Why?” 

She smiled to herself mischievously, already anticipating his outraged reaction when he read her next message.  

“I’ve signed us up for Christmas carolling x” 

Once again, James’s response was immediate. 

“What???” 

“Christmas carolling around the village. We’re in a group with 4 or 5 other people. Think we get our songbooks delivered tomorrow. Anyway, got to go – super busy at work. Love you!” 

She finished the message off quickly, revelling in the fact that James was likely stewing in confusion. Her phone pinged again. And again. She ignored it, knowing that in an hour or so her boyfriend would be bursting through the door with a million questions. 

James’s reaction had caught her off guard when he’d stumbled through the door an hour later than usual. 

“Sorry I’m back late, babe. Had to nip to the shop on the way home to pick up some essentials for our big night out!” He pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth as he bustled into the kitchen, a large shopping bag in each hand. 

“Our big night out?” She repeated, quirking an eyebrow at him. 

“Yeah? The Christmas carolling? Did you not see my texts?” he started to rifle through the bags, “Mind you, you did say that you were busy at work so you might not have seen them. Not to worry though!” 

Y/N slipped her hand into her pocket and fished out her phone, quickly glancing at his messages.  

“Sounds amazing! Shame we don’t have our matching Christmas jumpers anymore :( “  

Below that, another one:  

“omg I'll go to the shop on my way home and get us new ones. Any preference on design?”  

And then a few minutes later, another one: 

“And matching hats too? Or is that too far...?” 

“Oh. Sorry, yeah I didn’t see them-”  

“Don't worry! Look at the jumpers I got us!” He pulled two brightly knit jumpers from one of the bags and chucked one towards her, “I didn’t know whether to just go with a Santa. You know, classic! But then I saw these-” 

“James, I-” She tried to interject. 

“Penguins!” he continued undeterred, “Look at them, babe! I just couldn’t resist!”  

“James, one second-” 

“I’m nearly done,” he chattered excitedly, “And then, you know how you said we were doing it in groups? Well, I bought a pack of six Santa hats so we can all match and then I thought, ‘what if we get cold?’ so I bought some disposable cups for everyone so we can make them all a hot chocolate. Oh! And i got some candy canes-” 

“James. I was joking.”  

For the first time in the twenty minutes he had been home, her boyfriend had stopped talking. He sat the pack of candy canes he had been showing her down on the counter, his brows furrowing a little. 

“Joking about what, love?” He cocked his head at her. 

“We’re not going carol singing. It was a joke. This trend has been going around online where girls tell their boyfriends that they’ve signed them up and the boyfriends always get confused and don’t want to go-” 

“Why would they not want to go? Sounds like a great activity to me...?”  

“Yes, because you’re lovely and now I feel bad.” She starred down at the floor, trying her best to avoid her boyfriend's eyes, “I didn’t think you would be up for it and I thought I'd just string you along for a bit and it would be funny and now you’ve made so much effort.” 

“Oh. Well, obviously I’m a little disappointed that you didn’t actually sign us up but we can still do it, can’t we?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Like, we can just go carolling round at our friends houses. Seems a shame not to show off our new jumpers. Did you see that they have penguins on?” 

Y/N just smiled to herself, looking at her sweet boyfriend who was flitting about the kitchen as excited as a child on Christmas eve.  

[mistystarshine]

Christ. So I've done some thinking and...

I think I'm going to keep writing fanfic. I love it too much not to. However, new projects will not be posted on Museflight. Idk if I'll de-anon my existing stuff, but for now it's staying on anon. But beyond that...

I think it's time for me to step back from fandom as a whole. I need to let Museflight die. Earlier this week, I spent nine hours straight running around doing work stuff. During that time, I completely forgot about fandom nonsense. I made a friend. I accomplished stuff. I notably improved on a skill I've been working hard at and got a notification that I'm being considered for rank promotion in kung fu. By the end of the day, I was completely and utterly exhausted, which is when it hit me. The people who hurt me so badly don't have lives outside of fandom. I do.

I've been deeply - deeply - involved in fandom for seventeen years. There was a point where it was all that I had, my freedom, my socialization, the thing that filled the hours that would otherwise go empty. It let me escape abuse, depression, isolation, and an all-around terrible reality. But my reality isn't terrible anymore. I'm making friends outside of fic and roleplay. I have a lot going on and a lot coming up. I have opportunities that I'm running the risk of missing due to spending too much time online. I have a promising future in a very public-facing career, one that I don't want to risk messing up with internet drama.

Fandom has started warring for time with more important things where it once gave me something to hold onto. I can make friends without it. I can find things to do and look forward to without it. An insane amount of stuff, good stuff, came up just yesterday and I didn't turn anything down because I was worried about if I'd have time for online shit. I've reached a point where I can get the things I needed fandom for outside of it without the drama that comes with it. There's no need for something like this to feel like the end of the world because the internet isn't my entire world anymore. People who'd dedicate hours to callout posts over personal grudges aren't worth my time anymore.

Seventeen year old Misty was an abused, depressed child who thought she had no future and needed fandom to make her present bearable. Twenty seven year old Misty's future is too bright to put at first for it. Fandom has been a crutch for me for seventeen years. There was a time when I needed it to keep moving. But I've learned to walk on my own, and if I don't let go, I'm going to forget how.

So this is me, letting go.

I'm going to keep writing, but I won't really be a face around fandom beyond that. I don't plan on letting people know that it's me when I do. No new projects will be posted on Museflight. If I de-anon my current works, those will be the last of them, and when they peter out, Museflight is done. No more big public servers. No more actively trying to reach out to other fans and getting entangled with fandom events. I'll probably keep this blog, since I can't be arsed to rebuild, but I'm going to try to dial back on here as well.

I appreciate all of the support and love I've gotten over the years. I cherish the friends I've made and absolutely will be staying in touch with the people I'm chatting with now. I probably will continue to make friends online, just not the same way or for the same reasons.

It's hard to let go of something that's been such a massive part of my life for so long. It was my life at one point. But that's the thing; it was my life. If I don't change some things, it will be my life again. I owe it to seventeen year old Misty not to let that happen. I owe it to thirty seven year old Misty to move forward instead of back.

[squeakyleftsneaker]

I made this blog because the middle schooler I tutor gave me homework

I'm not joking!

So here's the deal. I tutor kiddos. Usually high schoolers, but I've been tutoring this one middle schooler for a few years now, and she's awesome. Super duper smart. She asked me what my favorite homework assignment ever was, and I told her about this one school paper I wrote about kids TV shows in the 2000s. Then she asked me what TV I watch, ignored everything that I said, and told me she should get to give me homework. 11 year olds are a force of nature

She decided she wants me to watch HER favorite TV show (never mind that I can't even watch it because I don't have a Netflix subscription and I looked it up and it's not even on Netflix anymore?) and because I've been torturing her (helping her with math) I figured I'd check it out.

But if I don't write stuff down I forget it, and I don't want to bug my friends with updates on this as I watch it (and my main friend who actually like, gets fandom said that she's a "survivor" of this fandom and that it's dead so.... I'm scared of what I'm getting into) so I thought a blog would be a good compromise. Hopefully the kiddo never finds this blog.

I will be watching Voltron (the new one?) (newish). I actually have some familiarity with the 80s one, I did a project on TV translation for a cute media studies seminar I took, but I honestly don't remember a whole lot.

I've been told this fandom is scary but hopefully I'm SO LATE to this that the few remaining fans will be nice 😅

I've also been told this show sucks but the kiddo loves it and I trust her judgement so I'll go in hoping for the best. I have a really boring job that should let me watch it. PLEASE don't spoil anything for me, but if you want to interact or give me cryptic warnings feel free! I've actually been very unexposed to fandom before this because so little of what I like has active online fan spaces, so this is new for me!

I'll update later, I'm starting to watch now!

[leopardom]

i thought i wouldn't end up making one of those sappy posts before the end of 2023 but here we are i guess

what i wanna say in advance is a huge thank you, and that i'm sorry

this year has been a nightmare for me and i can't stress that word enough. i won't get into details, if you follow me you may have seen some occassional rant posts. long story short though, i'm ending 2023 being mentally exhausted af and even though i'm not in my most optimistic mood, i hope 2024 will not as shitty as 2023

as of my tumblr presence, there have been some changes. i jumped from one fandom to another without completely leaving the bc fandom. i'm just not that much in the mood anymore. maybe this will change once the new album is out? we'll see 👀 and jumping to another fandom means that i lost contact with so many people from the bc fandom. i promise you i didn't do this on purpose and i don't hate or stopped liking any of you. it just... things got weird and a bit too much in my head and now idk how to keep contact without looking extremely weird in this fandom

anyway! entering another fandom has been weird not only in means of interests but also in means of communication. ever since i remember my tumblr activity in any fandom, i always tried to interact as much as possible with other accounts and talk with people, whether that was via posts or messages. in the jo fandom i feel like i have kinda failed that

i'm aware that i post a lot and i'm probably everywhere with the content updates and the gifs. and that may be annoying to some people. and i understand it, i don't like it but i understand it and i wanna apologise for being... all over the place yet not really reaching out to anyone in the fandom or building any kind of online friendship

idk if there's an accurate explanation for the way i feel about this so i'll put it in the best words possible: i wanna make jokes and have fun in here and exchange random messages or mentions in posts and talk shit or not about jo etc, but i feel like my social anxiety (both online and offline) has passed any limit i had put to it until now that i end up thinking it's actually wrong to interact with anyone in this fandom. because everyone has already connected with some people and have built a specific line of interests and you all seem so fucking cool for someone who is as insecure and scared to talk as me so i end up hiding behind my gifs, shitposts and content updates in hopes that people will like me or at least aknowledge i exist in this fandom. and again, that's all on me, there's no one to blame for this behaviour but me and my fucked up mind (which got even more fucked up in the past year). so idk, i feel like i wanna apologise for this, for being like that

however, no matter the anxiety, i must admit that the jo tumblr fandom was actually my escape when things in real life got bad bad. i've spent hours scrolling through the jo and kaarija hashtags in hopes of seeing something unhinged and funny to lift my mood and you know what? i found something every single time. and that was more than nice. if it wasn't for all of you being as funny and crazy (in a positive way) as you are, i'd feel even worse. but every time i open the jo hashtag there's someone posting a wholesome thing or saying something unhinged like how many ways has Kris listed to kill Bojan in his sleep lmao

anyway i ended up writing a lot, this could easily be an entry to the journal that i don't keep but maybe should start keeping. if you read until this point, congratulations for going through all this ramble and i'm sorry

hope 2024 is gonna be a lot different than 2023 but in a good way this time. and i hope i get better and actually get to interact more with all of you great people 💕 and obviously i hope you all have a fantastic year ahead of you 💖

[inappropriate-aunt]

Sorry I haven't been as active on this blog, friends. I disappeared into my side blog, then I disappeared into my sadness for a while.

I'm doing better. As soon as I got a little break from work, a little bit more stable financial footing, a little bit of time to rest, I felt like myself again, and I realize now just how bad a shape I really was in.

Exhaustion and despair are a potent poison. I'm grateful my friends spoon fed me antidote to keep me alive. I felt like a fool for feeling so low when my troubles are so small compared to the suffering of the world- like a child screaming over a minor cut. I was ashamed to tell them, but I did anyway, because what does shame even mean when you don't feel like a person anymore? When your whole self is such a distant memory, and you remember smiling and laughing, but you think, that can't be me, I must have been faking.

It helps to have gathered people you around who understand. Who can remind you that you did, in fact, feel okay once, and you will again. They were right. I remind myself of that every time.

I stopped smoking weed. It wasn't bringing joy anymore. Just numbing the depression. I'm going to try to keep it to a social activity for now. I'm almost up to a two week streak.

I still need to get an adhd diagnosis. I keep delaying picking a doctor and calling to schedule an appointment. I'm just having a hard time getting myself to do the first step. I called one doctor (a month ago? Maybe two?) but he said he charges out of pocket costs in addition to insurance so, I need to pick a different one.

I just got my IUD replaced though so that's good. That's another medical thing I was putting off , but this time only like five months which is an improvement, and now it's done! I can forget about it for seven years as long as I remember to schedule annual gyno exams. No periods for another seven yearssss. I love it so much.

Damn I gotta get my car inspected too. The tasks keep coming ha. But that's life. And there's still food and friends and music.

Oh yeah I got new music to practice so that's coming along. A Bach and a cute modern piece meant to sound like witches riding on a broomstick. I think my sightreading is getting better too. It's nice to fall in love with music again after leaving the performance world. The joy is back now that the pressure is gone, and that's nice.

That's also enough public journalling for one day. Could I write this in a private journal? Yes. Will I ever sit down with my journal and write? Mmm, unlikely. I'd rather lay on the floor, sending thoughts out to strangers online. That's MY journalling. And it means, maybe, that someone will read it and feel a little less alone. I hope, at least.

Now back to my horny blog.

[hiddencarpet]

1k follows!! Thank you everyone for staying here with me!❤️

I'm going to post an art raffle in upcoming days. ^^

I'd like to say something tho, as a word of advice for beginning online artists. This is going to sound pessimistic, but honestly i think more people should be mentioning it, even if someone could've thought that i should keep this post happy go lucky. If you aren't interested then please just scroll further on.

I have this blog since 2017, it's been over 6 years.

There always have been a lot of "how to get over 1k follows in a year" tips online. Even prior Tiktok there were lot of them popularity chasing tips. I'm not interested in having Tiktok or doing videos rn but it's not the point here.

I have been posting my art every 4-12 days with some breaks for about 3 years, (which i wouldn't be able to do without me developing a specific style, queueing posts and keeping artworks for months to myself to do finishing touches, and ofc having enough time for it). I Regularly posted art, even lot of fanart for some more popular fandoms. It did Not take 1 year, but 6, and i don't even know how many of my followers are still active.

Thing is, these popularity tips might help but don't have to. And in most cases they won't lead you to have 1k follows in a single year, but instead might lead you to a burnout, frustation, or injury if you aren't careful.

I'm into a theory that to get popular online most artists or youtubers needs around 10 years, often with lot of work. Sometimes 20. And sometimes popularity just never happens. People who get popular quickly are a minority. Maybe 1 of 50 gets there fast, maybe 1 in 100. A lot depends on luck, (sometimes regardless idea, topic or skill, though obviously those can help a lot. I wouldn't have 1k follows now if i hadn't helped my luck after all :). Sometimes people gain popularity by deeply involving themself with a community, or even get popular by writing silly and serious posts, though it also Has issues. After all the more you write the more likeliness you finally write something stupid and someone might even remember it to haunt you. Things you need extra energy, personality, or behavioral instincts for when you might not really have it.

And it's not like starting at an earlier age might always help you. I've been posting my art online even as a minor though it's not really there anymore. And i'm actually glad it never kicked off. The amount of stories on artist teenagers getting into awful situations or causing awful situations to themself because of their popularity and young age still quite haunts me. Sometimes kids are lucky and that's good for them! Personally I know i wouldn't be that lucky tho.

I guess i just want to say that, as someone who grew up a lot with popular online people saying "you too can be popular and earn money online with a little of work!", that sometimes it's best to just chill, have fun, do things without worry in your own pace and maybe look up other choices for your career rather than those related to your online presence. Especially when it's been getting worse each year and social media + AI issues will always be a little unsure, and hell knows what else might happen.

I wish i could say that things are going to go quick for me from now on, but i know it's not that likely. They might go faster but ehh, I'll just do what i'll do. It's been over 6 years. A hell of a journey :)

Meanwhile i'm glad to be there and happy and i Thank you all for your presence!!

[itsbinghebitch]

I was trying not to get involved in everything going on right now but after reading your last post I just felt I had to say something. Firstly you seem like a really mature and thoughtful person which is such a breath of fresh air in online spaces in general. The way you're handling the situation is really admirable and your words really resonated with me. I'm relatively new to this fandom (I watched KPTS after the shitshow in January) and, after learning what happened, I've done my best to keep my distance from the cast and BOC and just focus on the story and characters. Based on what I'd read about the case I was willing to give Build the benefit of the doubt but the recent leaked messages make that nearly impossible which is also preventing me from enjoying the series which I've come to love. What makes it worse is that I'm an artist who loves VegasPete and, just like you, every time I try to make art with them, I keep thinking about all the awful comments Build made about Bible and it feels plain wrong to draw them together. Even for someone like me who's not emotionally attached to the actors it's really hard to separate them from the characters and it's making my fandom experience pretty miserable. I have very complicated feelings about the whole ordeal - on one hand as a queer person like you I'm tired of people's homophobia and bigotry being swept under the rug, but on the other hand I've seen first hand what an abusive relationship can do to a person so I can't help but feel some compassion for him too. I truly hope he can reflect on his mistakes and heal and grow as a person. Maybe I'm just too old for celebrity culture and drama but I do feel the need to be able to discuss issues like this one in a calm and level headed manner instead of falling victim to black and white thinking and turning things into a witch hunt. Sorry for the rant and feel free to ignore this message, your post just really resonated with me and I wanted to share some of my thoughts on the matter. I hope you have a lovely day/night ❤️

thank u sm for this message.... i really appreciate you taking the time to write about your experience and i'm glad you felt like you could share ❤️

there isn't a clear-cut answer to the whole debacle. whoever tries to sell you one is a scammer or is speaking out of an emotionally clouded place (as i was last week lol).

taking a look back at everything, i think it's important to acknowledge:

1. multiple things can be true at once: you can feel hurt by build's comments and still feel sympathy for his predicament.

2. you should be able to discuss these things without feeling like you'll get, idk. fandom black points. or get blocked by everyone who thinks differently than you (which happened to me), or even hounded and hacked by people to the point of getting your blog shut down (which happened to blramblings).

3. it's really fucking hard to be a fandom creator in these circumstances. i'm really sorry to hear your art has been impacted. especially in the case of vegaspete, i tend to believe there was an "aura" inextricably linking biblebuild as actors to who they were representing on screen. no one but biblebuild could've been vegaspete for me. it was their contrasting facial features, it was in their on-screen rapport and chemistry for me. their choices in portraying the characters, the behind-the-scene interviews... that aura mesmerized me for an entire year literally. and it's not only fine to admit that the situation complicates your fandom art, it should be an *active conversation* we have as fandom creators. because let me tell you, i don't write fic on top of my insane job out of the goodness of my heart. it's because of that spark of joy i feel, that stepping out of the regular day to day. the moment that joy isn't there anymore, it becomes labor. and let me tell you one thing i DON'T do. it's FREE LABOR corporations fuck me on the daily already so why would i let them do it as a hobby too

so yeah thanks so much for sharing your thoughts <3 i rly rly appreciate it and sending you lots of good vibes. who knows what the future holds in store for us etc. etc. but we out here!!!

[the--highlanders]

choose violence ask game (loving the name of that btw) - 8, 16, & 23?

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

(this fandom is so small that I don't want to sound like I'm vagueblogging or @-ing someone or anything so I'm just gonna preface this by saying this also goes for plenty of licensed media)

oh man ok. at risk of sounding like a total killjoy who takes everything too seriously & looks too much into stuff. I'm pretty sensitive about. primitivism in the way jamie gets portrayed?? is the best way I can think to describe it?? anything that implies that where & when he comes from means that he's inherently less intelligent, or equates his lack of knowledge on some things with him being stupid. can't stand him being reduced to dumb guy who hits stuff. idiot who has no critical thinking skills or reasoning.

and like, I get that it's a fairly common assumption, the idea that people from the past weren't as smart because they didn't know as much (even setting aside the devaluing of /different/ ways of knowing & understanding) - but, say, victoria never gets this treatment. despite also being from the past. which then leads you to think, hey, why would people make that assumption about jamie and not about victoria?

and then you get to a bunch of ideas which have been kicking around since. before jamie's time, real-world-historically speaking. which depict the highlands as savage, as populated by 'wild' people, by - well - 'primitives'. speakers of a primitive language. violent, at worst, strong, at best, but never intelligent. & this is all starting to sound a lot like the ideas that buttress colonialism and biological determinism, isn't it?

idk. this is a silly 60s family tv show & a very very small online fandom. it's kind of not that deep. but any time jamie gets written off as being inherently stupid (often /because/ of where he comes from), and any time that idea is the foundation of a joke, it rubs me the wrong way, and this is why.

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

gfdhkjsg once again this is a v small fandom so 'so many people' is kinda like..... 2 people max probably. & also I've been sort of keeping more or less to myself for a couple years now in terms of actually discussing thoughts & headcanons (except you obviously and also @ettelwenailinon who is always right about everything despite not being super active in dr who fandom on tumblr anymore <3)

gonna go with shipping jamie and victoria tbh. absolutely no hate if you do bc I can definitely see where it comes from in canon/behind the scenes stuff but it is just,,, not for me at all, and so antithecal to how I write/interpret their characters.

23. ship you've unwillingly come around to

tenrose?? weirdly?? not that I'd say I actively ship it (there is one (1) tenrose fic in my ao3 bookmarks but it's really there bc it's a pretty charming magical realism au and the voices of all the characters are just so spot on rather than bc I ever crave reading about the ship) but. when I got into dr who in 2013 there felt like there was a pretty solid line between rtd fans and moffat fans. & I have always vibed with moffat's era more (neither of them are above criticism obviously, the scifi fairytale aesthetic/tone of moffat's era is just so so so so tailor-made for me personally).

and for some reason tenrose and elevenriver were kind of. bundled into that opposition?? not sure if that was just in my head or something other people noticed/experienced but I felt like if you were a moffat fan you had to ship elevenriver & if you were an rtd fan you had to ship tenrose, and they were like. rivals. (yes I did try very half-heartedly to enjoy elevenriver. no I never succeeded). so I always had this thing of like, I don't like ten, I don't like tenrose.

like I said I still don't actively ship it, I don't get any warm fuzzy feelings from their relationship, but I did go back into rtd's era looking to actively enjoy stuff (after being tired of really not enjoying uh. recent seasons ajhksglf) and found that I didn't hate the concept of tenrose as much as I used to. I genuinely believed they liked each other, I felt the hubris of their relationship worked and built well narratively. never thought that ship would get a redemption arc in my head but I've definitely gained more appreciation for its role in the narrative.

[angelicandroid]

Did I Want too Much

I need to get this out because I don't have a therapist anymore. (tw i briefly mention SH, suicide ideation and drug abuse)

I spend the last 3 years crawling my way out of depression and anxiety. I had anxiety and ocd symptoms since I was a kid but it got really bad when I started living on my own for the first time. I had moved to a new city, 6 hours from my hometown to study something that turned out to be a lot harder than I thought. Making friends there also was a lot harder than I thought. The first four months of living alone I fell back into really bad habits (disordered eating and SH), developed like, 10 times the amount of compulsions than I had before, decided I couldn't study what I was studying anymore, started experiencing derealisation and nearly killed myself. Not gonna lie, I was really messed up.

So I went to get help! Starting therapy for my life-long phobia and ocd (which I then didn't know was ocd lol) was the bravest thing I have ever done in my entire life.

A few months into therapy I wasn't exactly doing great but I was okay. Most days I was still an anxiety riddled shut in eating crap, bullying myself in my head for not having a job and smoking weed alone. The only times I met friends was when I was back in my hometown, which was every few months. Then, I'd act rectlessly, taking random drugs people offered me, stay out all night and go to shady places with shady people. I remember feeling alone, even when being with my friends.

But over time, I really did get better. I still didn't really have friends in the city I lived in but I was very active in a fandom discord server and talked to a lot of amazing people online. I participated in fandom a lot, like singing and writing music, drawing, chatting about theories and leaving comments under fanfiction and only in retrospect I realise; finding a community like that is worth SO much. In the summer of 2023 I started working at a cinema because my mom kept telling me to fucking do something and, against my own expectations, it was AMAZING. I cried sometimes after work and in retrospect, I had the worst two bosses imaginable but I also had great colleagues. At some point someone who was in the same fandom as me started working there and we became work besties - I HAD MADE A FRIEND ALL ON MY OWN. She was really open about her neurodiversity which in turn made me comfortable enought to be open about my ocd and queerness and it felt so good to work with friendly and interesting people. I also made two other work friends (and had a major crush on one, which made me so happy cause I thought I wasn't capable of that). At the same time BOOM I got accepted into art school. Which meant moving again, loosing my therapist, my workplace, my freshly made friends and my stability. But I did it.

What can I say, new flat, new city, new university and I loved them. I felt at home instantly, despite being very afraid because in my old home, I hadn't felt at home until I had lived there for a year. Studying something I was good at, I realised there are actually areas which I'm talented in. And this time, I managed to make amazing, real life friends right away. Two of them are into the same show that I am into rn and that once again means so much to me because fandom is an important and big part of my life. Two of my friends and me often hug, cuddle or flirt jokingly with each other and I can't remember how I lived this long without this loving affection from other people. I'm in a dnd group with my friends, I joined the university choir, and last summer felt like out of a movie. I was happy to the point where I would unironically announce "I love my friends" every few minutes when hanging out with them. I would wake up in the morning and be excited about the day. Uni is hard and a lot of work but I can feel my skills improving and that's really rewarding. I had some ocd episodes here but I can proudly say I've worked through them despite not being in therapy anymore.

One of my friends is into cosplay and we decided to both make a cosplay for the show that we like. I don't know how to make clear how much that is everything I ever wanted in life. I love costumes and dressing up and interacting with fandom together with friends is the most beautiful thing I can imagine. The whole friend group decided to go to a big convention at the end of March this year together. I wanted to make a coat for my cosplay but because I can't sew, I asked my mother for help and we started working on this pretty big project. I don't live 6 hours away from my hometown anymore so I could travel to my parents' house for the week-ends these past months.

One thing that is important to note is, my mom has had a chronic bronchitis since two years now. She was never a smoker, she got it through a specific virus that, according to her doctor, can be contagious only to immunocompromised individuals. My father and brother also have some undiagnosed cough that they developed a few months ago. I didn't find this concerning until three weeks ago, when I started having a cough out of nowhere, no cold or anything, just coughing. It's not horrible, just a mild cough. Except that in the three weeks I've had it, it hasn't changed. Some days feel better than the previous one, then the next one is a little bit worse again. There is no actual betterment. I've been to the doctor a week ago and he told me it's probably just a typical infection. But I'm so worried. It's not a bacterial infection and I feel fine except for this cough, which just won't get better after three fucking weeks - coincidentally, after spending every week-end with my mother. Who mentioned recently there's been quite a few people around her with a mysterious cough that won't go away.

I told her that I'm worried I might have catched the same thing she has because I'm really scared. She said "If I have to link other people's cough to mine now, I may as well end my life."

I told my father about my worry and he said "A lot of people are having a cough that won't go away at the moment. They're all people who got the covid vaccine." (He isn't vaccinated but he also says he hasn't been sick in months and I don't know if he's telling the truth.)

I did not find any of this helpful.

I'm sitting here now, with my voice sounding like shit, not being able to go to the gym or meet my friends in fear of being contagious. My mother's illness is chronic. It won't go away and there's no cure. If I cought it, that means it's contagious. That means I can't ever sing in a choir again, or at a karaoke bar, or go to the gym, or cuddle with my friends, or drink and eat at my friend's house, or go to university without a mask on, or date someone, or go to that convention with my friends at the end of the month. If I cought what my mother has, I would slowly fall out of that friend group because there are some hangouts I just wouldn't be able to attend without fear of infecting someone else. I already feel depressed again and if I were to meet my friends like that, I would always ruin the mood.

The prospect of all that is so horrible, I wouldn't wanna live in that world. Every evening I tell myself I'll get better soon and every morning I know, I'm not getting better. I need someone to hug me and tell me it'll be okay but that's not possible.

I know it fucking sounds like I'm being hysteric. I want nothing more than to find out I'm wrong.

I know it's irrational but I can't help thinking "I wanted too much. I was so happy and I wanted to be even happier. I should have known not to want too much."

[importeduniverse]

2/3/24, 11:56PM

At 11:00PM I feel irrationally upset. The day has felt useless and everything I do doesn't feel exactly right, I've hopped from task to task all day. I feel frustrated enough to want to be drunk, to just make a choice. I bring a hard lemonade, a bottle of water, and a cup of orange soda mixed with vodka to my room. The plan is to drink the hard lemonade first, then the vodka mix, I'd given it ice to preserve itself.

I decide to search online for journaling sites. Not apps, a laptop is the middle ground between a physical journal (I write too slowly) and a phone (it feels too artificial). I need an out at the moment, and I have no one to talk to. I try to make a new account with an old email. I'm told to reset the password and I do. The account is very, very old. I follow three accounts, one of them someone very important to me. I unfollow two. I go through custom themes, clueless about how the site and HTML work, but I do my best. I wasn't the one who got into Tumblr when we were kids. She's still active on a new account, so just to be safe I block her on the one I was following.

I shoddily customize my theme and am finally enabled to write. I realize that I have hardly touched my first drink at all. I take a few good swigs and remember the google search result for "how long for alcohol to take affect". Half an hour, so I'll keep sipping until I can feel something and start my second drink.

My mood is spoiled in a different way now thinking about her. I feel my mind relaxing, alcohol truly cheers me up, but now she is a thought. The descriptions of both of our practically ancient accounts mention death jokingly. We were 14 and obsessed with it. Her new account has reblogged a "I didn't think I would've lived this long" meme, and I know that it's true because she used to tell me about her thoughts. We're 21 now. When I expressed guilt, my therapist told me that I saved her life. That she really wouldn't have made it this far if I hadn't done what I did. I don't feel like anyone's hero. I see the same therapist again this Wednesday at 2:00.

I finish my first drink before writing this sentence. I don't have a single person to talk to. I'll go cry over the same person I always do whenever I'm drunk, the first person I ever got drunk in front of. Who made me feel comfortable, who I can't talk to anymore. Every time, without fail, I wish I could go back in time for his company. I only ever drink alone.

[commodorecliche]

19, 29, 35

going for the tough ones, i see. i love it.

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

You know, I don't particularly know where my foray into writing first began, it's just hard to pinpoint a moment because I've been making up my own stories for as long as I can remember being able to write. And even before then. Growing up, I always had an active imagination and I daydreamed a lot and would even keep myself up at night making up little stories and worlds about toys I owned or shows I'd seen or people I knew. But I'd say that I seriously got more into writing as a craft with the help of online communities. Now, this was back in the early aughts, so I was mostly involved with online forums and the likes, but I remember being so enthralled and impressed by the fics some of these folks could craft, and I remember thinking to myself that I was going to write and keep on writing until I was as good as they were, or better. I don't know if I am or not, I'm probably not, but I'm still really loving being on this journey to improve. Right now I mostly just write fanfic, like a lot of us, but I also am trying to dip my toe into original works, and I'm primarily working on queer horror stories. I feel like the queer community is so poorly represented in the horror genre (or simply isn't represented at all) and I want to be one of the authors that changes that. Hopefully, at least.

29. Where do you draw your inspiration? What do you do when the inspiration well runs dry?

i... this is actually a very tough question because i've honestly never really thought about it. stuff just kind of... pops into and out of my head at random. but if i'm looking for horror inspiration, i often will try to pay attention to the little things that startle or spook me day-to-day (things like getting startled by your jacket's shadow that looks like a man in the corner of the room, that sort of thing, something that seemed abnormal but had a normal explanation to them), then taking those to their logical extremes (what if it WASN'T a jacket in the corner of the bedroom? what if it was a person? or worse, what if it was something imitating a person, trying to appear person-shaped, standing in the corner of your room), and work from there. And.... when the inspiration well runs dry, I simply wait for it to return... Inspiration and productivity come in seasons and waves. It's okay to not feel inspired all the time. Don't try to force its return, just wait and trust that, like the tide, the inspiration will return to your well.

35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

UGH, definitely the "don't start sentences with a conjunction" rule. now, I dunno if this is still considered a hard and fast rule anymore, but it was when I was in school and it was HAMMERED into my head: you don't start sentences with conjunctions, ever. period. BUT GUESS WHAT! I LOVE STARTING SENTENCES WITH CONJUNCTIONS, SO IMMA DO IT, GODDAMNIT.

send me a fic ask?

[the-writers-bookshelf]

I don't know anyone irl that I can talk to about my writing. nobody to cheer me on or get excited about my stories and characters the way I have done about my friends writing in the past (we no longer keep in touch or they don't write anymore). it's really hard to keep going because if I talk about my writing I just get ignored. sometimes I feel like I'm immature and everyone has gone on to be serious adults

Hi lovely anon! I'm so sorry to hear you're in a rough patch right now. But there are SO MANY communities online that you can be a part of where you can talk about your writing all you want with other writers! ♥

So, there are a couple things that stood out in your message that I'd like to address if you don't mind :)

1. Writing is not immature.

Storytelling has always been, and always will be, an active part of humanity. From the earliest cave paintings discovered, people have told stories to make sense of the world, to share their history/culture/religion, to record their lives, or for escapism.

Look at every movie and tv show you've watched, every book you've read. Who do you think writes those stories?

Adults.

Do you think they're immature? Do you think they're childish for telling their stories? Getting published? Getting Netflix deals and creating blockbuster movies?

I don't know about you but I certainly don't think they're immature!

This kind of thinking is a script you've been fed. Don't keep jamming it down your own throat.

If you want to write, keep writing. If someone considers you immature because of it, OH WELL. You're too busy writing to care.

It takes actively pushing back against these thoughts to overcome them. And every writer has something like this that they wrestle with.

This list of 50 published authors who were rejected and/or told point blank to not write is just the tip of the iceberg.

No matter what you do with your life, there will ALWAYS be someone putting you down because of it. If you enjoy writing, DO IT.

And stop repeating the negative things that people have told you. Remind yourself why you enjoy writing. Remind yourself of the positive things people have told you about your writing. Actively create an environment of positivity for yourself!

2. Lack of support won't stop you

I know this is hard. Really, really hard. But nothing - and I mean NOTHING - in this life is easy. If you want to write, you'll damn well do it whether you have a support group or not. Because it burns in your blood. It makes you restless if you don't write.

At some point, there may come a time when you are the only person who believes in your story. Because you told it. Because it's your creative vision. Because it's your voice.

And it's important to learn how to keep going, even when it's just you.

I read recently (I wish I had bookmarked the article because I can't find it now, darn it!) where author Dean Koontz had an agent that told him he shouldn't aspire to be a best-selling author. His books weren't that good.

His AGENT told him that! The person who was supposed to support and represent his works!!

He left that agent, got another agent, and became a best-selling author.

At some point, you have to grab your writing by the horns and growl at anyone who says, "You can't" because YOU CAN and YOU WILL.

3. Go where you thrive.

If you don't have friends IRL or family who listen to your writing, that's not your audience. Plain and simple.

It's not easy to come to terms with, but sometimes friends and family are NOT the ones who will be supportive. They may even be a stumbling block for some of us.

If your friends and family aren't getting your writing, go to the people who DO get your writing.

Check out the writing community here on tumblr.

Check out writing discords.

Check out a local writing group.

Check out writing groups on Facebook.

The internet offers the ENTIRE WORLD of resources at your fingertips. With a little elbow grease and determination, you can carve out a place in this world that fits for you.

***

I hope some of this helps, lovely! Keep on truckin' and don't give up! ♥

[xnchxntmxnt]

Welcome to the party!

I hope you're ready for a fun time! I'm very happy everyone could make it and you all look great. More on the party later, I have a few words to say first.

I started this blog a year ago today after having barely any idea what the hell I was doing. All I knew is my wonderful friend Poe got me into a new anime and I'd absolutely fallen in love with it. I'd had a love of writing since I was ten, and I thought it was time to put that talent to use.

Words cannot describe how happy I am to still be active. I may not be as active as I once was, and I cannot update once a week like I used to, but I still appreciate all the support I get nonetheless.

Since then I've made so many friends, met so many people, got into new things and done things I never thought I would. I could talk for hours about all the friends I have because I love them all, but I'll try to keep these short so we can get to the more fun part...

@emswordss you were my first mutual and we still talk almost every day and that makes me so, so happy. you're so incredible and i'm happy i could be part of the journey you're on and help you with the crazy shit that is teenage years.

@domestic-void/@nekomas-kuroo my second mutual ever! i am so glad you let me write that lev fic its still the longest fic i've ever written for this (besides that one selfship thing but we aren't counting that)

@shoyotime/@miyamours my first wife <33 we havent talked in a while but i remember how much we did especially when i was first starting out. thanks for all the confidence boosts and all the weird conversations <3

@shirari we havent talked in so long !!! how are you? i don't know if you're really active anymore but i feel badcwe kinds lost touch

@ellesmain/@ellewords I MISS YOUUU ik finals suck i do but i miss seeing you on my dash!!! need my big sister once in a while yk <3 i hope finals are going well and that you're doing ok too! mayeb by the time you're back I'll have another taylor swift cover for you

@maizumis i havent seen you online in forever either !! we gotta talk soon!

@possiblypoe THE OG!!! this brilliant person got me into haikyuu it's her fault you all have to deal with me. poe you are so so so so so incredible and i KNOW how long you've been waiting for your matchup so go read and text me/send and ask and tell me your thoughts!!! love you (/p)

@mysterystarz/@nekonovs wife #2!!! thanks for being the crackhead in my discord dms over the summer /j. no but actually i know we dont talk as much as we did over the summer, mostly because we're both busy, but youre so amazing really. thank you for all the late night conversations and the akaashi brainrot

@k-kazvha i think you were my first genshin moot?? also happy late birthday!!! have fun dancing the night away with diluc. i said some of this yesterday on your birthday but i am SO glad we met you're so funny and honestly great to talk to. i ma not always comment on it but your posts make me laugh a lot (usually the shitposts). you're an incredibly talented writer thank you for being amazing

@rqkuya you literally know all my ocs in and out and you're so so so incredible to talk to about them. you always ahve the funniest one-liners and little ideas to add, and no matter how much you yell at me for throwing angst at them, you love me for it anyway. thank you so so much for making me feel like i always have someone to talk to about anything (usually characters, but even serious things) tor.

@merciemer DAD !! high key you're very like an older brother for me and i talk about you deadass all the time. you give me gender envy a LOT (but in a great way) and youre so pretty in like the most gnc way possible. you're absolutely hilarious and i feel my own parent friend instincts kick in once in a while when we talk but its because i care i swear <3

@animated-moon my fellow tendou simp. we really need to sit down and watch howl's moving castle one of these days. i'm still proud of that tendou fic for you i wrote not too long ago (or maybe it was, i have no perception of time) but it was really fun to write and you're just. so much fun to talk to we really need to talk more bc youre a riot in the best way ever

@kage7ama ANGEL THAT INTRODUCED ME TO THAT SONG— ok i still scream sing that and in the back of my head im thankng you for showing it to me i LOVE it thank you. i was so worried when you deactivated but its ok bc i got the new url <33

@kodzukoi ANOTHER ONE WHO HEARS ABOUT MY OCS i am so glad you're as into sk8 as i am (or almost, idk) and know that langa is giving u a forehead kiss rn. as am i (/p). but you're so easy to talk to and constantly reminding me that im not talking too much which i appreciate also you give the best compliments. jun kinnie (affectionate)

@rudolphsboyfriend AAAAA I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU TO READ UR MATCHUP URS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES. but youre so talented like what the hell??? talented voice, talented writer, my irls hear about you all the time jfc i need to shut up about you sometimes. but yeah i just think you're super awesome man

@sunalma i missed you on my dash !!! im glad youre back though even if it's not as much. fun fact: i was SO SCARED to talk to you for so long but the more time went on the more time i got over myself and tried not to hit the send button on inbox asks and throw my phone to the other end of my bed

@miyagem LAST BUT NOT LEAST i think youre my newest mutual??? we talk a decent amount though so i already call u my friend <33 i definitely need to bother you more tho its fun youre great to talk to

that should be everyone its everyone in my notes w an emoji at least. if i forgot you i swear i didn't mean to !!!!

and an extra extra shoutout to all my anons + anyone who just likes to interact, even if through reblogs! ur messages/tags/anything else mean the world to me !! your support is mostly why i keep doing this and i wouldn't have hit 1 year if not for you.

nOW THAT THE SAPPY STUFF IS OVER BACK TO ME WRITING PROFESSIONALLY

quick preface: when in doubt assume everyone is 22. i don't care how that affects the plot of the original story your character is from, everyone is 22 so we can all drink champagne (if you choose). carry on

The night opens in a giant, golden, open ballroom, perfectly set white tables taking up a decent amount of room. Other tables line the walls, all covered in food (all with various coverings on it so it doesn't get too cold). Come in, take a seat wherever you like. Dinner starts soon.

The room is quiet, save the chatter of people finding seats. Three people stand in the center of the room with various kinds of musical nstruments—L, in the center, (@rudolphsboyfriend my beloved) Blue to their side and Semi Eita on their other. All three are smiling, however L is the most, seeing everyone make their entrances.

Once everyone is seated, he explains: one of his biggest passions is music and he has two incredibly talented friends that agreed to play with him for the first part of the night, then dinner, then the rest of the party as everyone pleases.

They make a speech about how appreciative they are for everyone (see above for that) and the three of them play their set. Music kicks on, they announce dinner is open, and the rest of the night is yours for the choosing.

Do enjoy and tell me how spend your time!

Event Content!

playlist for the night

✧ drabbles ✧

@merciemer - dancing with matsukawa issei @kage7ama - people watching with diluc ragnvindr @animated-moon - eating dessert with tendou satori @rqkuya - xiao (yours didn't get a name but i swear its for good reason) @terushimatwinn - balcony conversations with miya atsumu @kodzukoi - car conversations with langa hasegawa

✧ matchups ✧

for @emswordss ✧✧✧ for @keijinn ✧✧✧ for anon ✧✧✧ for @duckymcdoorknob ✧✧✧ for @possiblypoe ✧✧✧ for @rudolphsboyfriend ✧✧✧ for 🌱 anon ✧✧✧

✧ other additions ✧

my evening with kaoru sakurayashiki

If you didn't get a chance to participate and want to (or you did, and want to add onto what I came up with), please do! Send it in as a submission or inbox message, or just tag me in a post you make! I'd love to add it to the main post!

Only rule about this is you cannot double characters. There are a few taken already, but if you would like to participate, please choose someone else that hasn't been listed in one of the drabbles/matchups to save everyone the confusion.

Thank you all so much again. I could not have done this all without you and I appreciate everyone that follows and interacts with me more than you all know. I hope to do something like this next year around this time if life permits. Other than that, get a drink, some dancing in, talk to new people—the night is yours! Enjoy the party.

[viinchester]

I'll tag a few writers I can think of right now whose stuff I read daily so they'll know why I won't be active as much. It's not because I suddenly lost interest in your writing, I promise.😜

@stargazingfangirl18 @slothspaghettiwrites @angrythingstarlight @syntheticavenger @whisperlullaby @river-soul

I'm aware my blog's not really big and I only have like 100~ followers (which mostly consist of bots), but I wanted to still announce something for everyone who is interested.

From tomorrow, 31st March 2021, on, I'll be significantly less active on Tumblr and every other social media platform and I don't exactly know for how long. It may vary from 2 to 6 months or even more.

The reason for that is that I've finally been given a place in the mental health clinic that I've been waiting for since October of last year.

I'll explain my situation a little for those of you that want to know more. If you're not interested, you can just skip the next part until the divider.

TW: Mental Health

Ever since I was as young as 4 years old, I had a therapist or some support in similar form by my side because of problems in my family and social surroundings that affected my mental health pretty badly. I've had many different therapists and procedures done over the years and was diagnosed at age 11 with Severe Depression and Social Anxiety, as well as some not fully evolved traits of Autism. I've been working hard on myself all my life basically and it showed significant improvement over the years, but I still had my downs of course. After some.. rather unfortunate choices of mine regarding my views on whether I should even be allowed to continue living, I was admitted to a children clinic for mental health in 2015 and stayed there until 2016. The time I spent there and people I met helped me a lot in figuring out how to accept myself. When I left the clinic, I was provided with a social worker from the government who would visit me every week or so and take me places to work on my social anxiety and confronting my fears, as well as serving as a outlet to the situation I had going on with my family at home that I won't go into detail about. This social worker helped me a lot, I'll be forever thankful to them, even though I knew it was their job. Fast forward to 2019, a big year for me. I got a job and started working, like so many other people my age. In October 2019 I turned 18 and the government pressured me to lose my social worker, because I was an "adult" now. My problems and issues were nowhere near solved at that time, but I tried convincing myself that I would manage without any additional support. I couldn't even have a therapist because my work schedule didn't allow it, so I've been mentally on my own since then for the first time since I was 4 years old. Enter 2020, the most depressing year I've had so far. Inbetween Corona and my disfunctional family I could barely convince myself to get out of bed, and my mental health hit me straight in the face. It got so bad even my employer started to notice and my position at work was indefinitely threatened. My social anxiety crept up again and I felt like everyone was pitying me and laughing, so I stopped going to work, pretending to be sick and making excuses just to stay at home. Eventually, my mother (bless her heart, I owe her so much) intervented and forced me to face reality. She made me see that everything I've been working towards was hanging on a thin threat and that I needed to get myself together. I really tried, but nothing I did seemed to be enough and eventually I even started having very bad thoughts again, spiraling down the black hole I'd dug for myself. Thus, my mother convinced me to finally find help again in the form of a mental health clinic, seeing as it had helped me back in 2015/2016 too. Because of Corona the waiting time was longer than before, so I've been waiting since October of last year for a place there.

Now, I'm finally able to go there and because of that, I may not be online as much anymore.

I'll still try to be active at least once a day, reblogging posts and interacting as much as I can, but I probably won't be able to be here as much as I'd like to be.

I'm not sure how long this will take, they said it could be anywhere between 2 to 6 months or longer, so we'll see.

Thank you so much for any and all support, it means a lot to me and I hope I haven't annoyed anyone too much with my rambling, but I felt like I own the few mutuals and followers I have as well as the writers I read stories from daily an explanation for my sudden disappearance of sorts.

[ujunxverse]

i’m sorry if i’m being invasive but wanted to at least try asking…

i’m usually not consistently active on tumblr but remembered a few of your enha fics randomly and logged on to go back and read them again to find that u had quit ur blog :( i understand by all means if that’s what u felt was best for u… but i wanna ask if u will ever come back or keep ur fics up at all?

hope all is well :)

hey !! dw, it's not invasive !!

honestly, i don't think my fics will ever be up again. i don't really write fanfics anymore, and i don't think i'll have the time to devote my time into it. i'm already so busy irl, that maintaining a fic blog online is too much for me to handle.

all is well on my end !! i just didn't like the idea of my fics being up even though i'm an inactive writer. a lot of those stories are very personal to me, and i'd rather have them sink with me than stay up since i don't have anything new to offer. a lot has changed in the past year or so of me writing, so the stuff i wrote then almost reads like a journal that details some of my thoughts and feelings.