#I don't mind re-explaining things but I had to repeat myself way to much-

[chuwush]

Funfact English is my first language I'm just awful at spelling.

Hell I've been in speech therapy due to poor pronunciation despite my extensive vocabulary which I hardly use.

[tetsunabouquet]

Attack On Titan X Reader- Dutch Playlist Headcanon

A/N: Nothing To Lose was repeating in my brain and I couldn't help but think how the doomed, let's runaway theme fits Eren Yeager, and then my mind slowly started attributing Dutch pop songs to AOT men. I hope my AOT girlies can enjoy my picks!

Eren Yeager: Douwe Bob - Nothing To Lose This song is entirely sung in English so you don't need me explaining this one to you. The music video was actually shot in Japan.

Connie Springer: Fouradi - 1 Ding It means 1 Thing, and is about a guy with a somewhat player and clown-like image begging 'you' to be his: "One thing that I want from you, is that you stay by me and become my woman". The more playful lyrics in the rap verses really fit regular Connie and Slap On Titan's Connie both.

Jean Kirstein: Kim - Ik Ben Verliefd Means I Am In Love, this was a finalist song from the Dutch national contest of Junior Eurovision. It's a very mature ballad that fared better with adults then it did with the children watching and lyrics like, "In the silence rings your voice," just really remind me of the way Jean would look at Mikasa or in this instance, you as the listener imagening Jean feeling that way about you

Onyankopon : Re-Play - Kijk Om Je Heen Means Look Around You and it's about realizing you are not alone because there is a guy that loves you, "There is one who waits for you, all day and all night long." Because Re-Play is a pretty famous R&B group from the 90s, they were immediately who came to mind when thinking of this dude as he just fits that smooth R&B vibe.

Armin Arlert: Nielson - Beauty & the Brains Despite it's English title the song is in Dutch, if any of you watched TVD you might recognize this as the song playing during the Amsterdam scene. The title is pretty self-explanatory though and it is about simping for his girlfriend who's equally smart as she is beautiful and just an overall package deal. "I'm not so much of a hero myself, but I have my superwoman with me," is a lyric I can see Armin sing.

Reiner Braun: BLOF - Dansen Aan Zee Means Dancing At The Sea and this would totally fit Reiner falling for a girl on Paradis during his mission. It's about saying goodbye to the one he loves whilst he doesn't wants to and having one final dance on shore. "One for your tears, two for mine and three for the horizon to which we disappear". (tiny fact about me: I was actually classmates with the singer's nephew that had a crush on me in elemantary school)

Levi Ackerman: Claudia De Breij - Mag Ik Dan Bij Jou Means May I Go To You. It's about opening up and showing yourself at your most vulnerable state to a strong protector, the latter role is really befitting for Levi, I mean the song literally opens with "If there comes a war, and I'd need to hide, may I go to you?"

Bertolt Hoover: Paul De Leeuw - Ik Heb Je Lief Means I Hold You Dear. It's just a very sweet romantic song that I can picture Bertolt listening to whilst thinking of you. 'I hold you dear, what am I without you. They are four very small words, and they'll make you a little frightened. I hold you dear, a thousand and one nights long.'

Honorable mention for fluff's sake:

Falco Grice: Melle - Dromen Means 'Dreams'. This was a another finalist song from the Dutch national contest of Junior Eurovision. Not only does Melle have a Falco vibe, but it's a really adorable love song where Melle talks about his dreams of becoming a singer and sharing a life with his crush with whom he will always feel like the little boy he is now, no matter how old he gets. I can totally picture this as a shipping song for Falco and Gabi.

[bluefurcape]

Hi! I'm a big fan of your work and am in the process of trying to revive a very old hobby of writing my own fanfics. I would love to hear what your process of writing is like. How do you go from an idea to a story line? How do you deal when you reread what you've written and think, wow, that is some lengthy exposition/dialogue/etc there? I have reached out to a couple authors in the community with the same questions so no worries if you aren't able to get to it!

Really cool of tumblr not to let me know when I get a message <3

Thanks for reaching out! I hope that things are going well with your writing.

Idea >> Story

I'm going to be pretty honest, I don't get a lot of ideas these days. I have this superstitious theory that my brain shuts off the ability if I watch TV/Movies with plot in it, but I can't resist watching so it's been a dry spell of like most of this year. This week though I did manage to stop so I finally managed to snag something. It was near the tail end of sleeping so I laid there twitching like a dreaming dog while I thought about it in a half alive state.

Anyway! That's not really your question. If I do get an idea, it's usually the scraps of something that appeals to me. I play around with what comes to me first. For example, if I think of a piece of internalization, then I work around that. The first line of "Marked By Fate" where Kakashi hates a baby was what came into my head and from there I went to what it would be like if you feared your own soulmate (for ethical reasons). The recent idea I had was more of a setting that appealed to me (hint: a type of store) and not too much more except that with most of my fics it does have a 'goal' in mind of a romantic ending. But that is a type of framework, loose as it is, so I started thinking about the story circle which is a highly reduced version of the hero's journey. The steps don't make total sense to me all the time so I have to re-explain it to myself, but the basic circle goes:

you, need, go, search, find, give, return, changed.

"need" is often actually two things: an external goal and internal need (of like a "lesson" to be learned)

Not always, but many readers find satisfaction from a story where the character changes, so sometimes it is easier to work backwards. With a romance story, if the 'goal' is for them to accept love, generally then, how are they rejecting or missing love in the beginning? Etc etc

No need to put a lot of pressure on it in the beginning though because sometimes, you only can see the full picture after you come to the end (and you go on your own hero's journey).

2. Editing

This is the point where I go from big to small. I think more critically of the flow of the overall story (going back to the story circle...sometimes) and usually if the character arc is not clear enough, that is what I attack first. Then it's down to the actual sentences. I look at each to see what filler words can be taken out ('had' is a big culprit for me) and repetitive descriptions and verbal tags. The way I test exposition is if I'm using it like a time saver/skip to cut out boring shit or if I'm avoiding writing something that is important to show the character arc. Dialogue is a bit trickier, but I think a lot of people use filler stuff that we say naturally but doesn't work well in a narrative work where it needs to serve some sort of purpose (character or plot). Like I often will be tempted to write people going "good morning" a lot and just doing stupid small talk lol.

(secret 3rd question)

If I think about this all too much I get way too in my head about it. My suggestion is to digest it and then forget about it. Write what you want to write. Look back with an editor's eye later.

edit: as ppl can see in this mostly unedited post i have a terrible tendency to repeat the same words in a sentence (i was abt to write same sentence) so that shit has to get weeded out

[lokilysolbitch]

hello i would like to add some personal examples bc i have chronic nightmares and sleep paralysis

things i do after nightmare:

-sit and stare. the longer i stare the more fucked up the dream was

-i still try to prepare for things that were supposed to happen in the nightmare for a few minutes before i realize realize i don't need to

-if i wake up in the dark and the nightmare was more dread based than fear based, or if it had supernatural horror themes i'll be genuinely paralyzed out of fear until the sun comes up or i can get a light on

-also i will cover as much of myself as possible in blanket. you know so The Bad doesn't get me

-sometimes i wake up and don't even remember the nightmare and then later in the day when i remember The Horrors and im like "😃,,,,,,,,,,,😨"

-sometimes im afraid to sleep again and try to stay awake, sometimes i just accept it, sometimes i try to guess what flavor of nightmare i'll have next

things i do after waking up from sleep paralysis, once i can like, move:

-sit tf up as fast as possible, sometimes i'm wide awake after and sometimes i still feel half asleep, but either way i will get my ass uP even if it feels like i am made of molasses. rip to my phone trying to tell me i'm got my passcode wrong for the 8th time bc i'm to tired to think

-after sitting up long enough i'll re-evaluate going to sleep and if i do, i set a timer for like 2 minutes bc if i get sleep paralysis within that time the alarm vibrating snaps me out of it (not the sound though). and then i keep repeating the timer and sleep in 2 minute increments. sometimes the alarm doesn't go off for some reason and then i am just screwed and may or may not be having sleep paralysis again

other random sleep things:

-when i go to sleep i consider what would be a comfortable position to be stuck in if i get sleep paralysis

-i take naps with some sort of video playing so if i get sleep paralysis at least i'm entertained. i've woken up paralyzed to asmr bf content playing before. it was really helpful actually. none of you can judge me for it bc this is tumblr

-there's a whole system/flow chart for what makes sleep paralysis and nightmares happen more or less often for me and it sounds like someone explaining the rules of the english alphabet and all of its exceptions. (i can sleep during the day but i can't Go To Sleep during the day. sometimes. except if--) basically i will probably just have a nightmare/sleep paralysis

-this is probably a nicher experience but i'm pagan so sometimes i pray during sleep paralysis. i am saying "get me out get me out loki plsssssssssssssssss can you wake me up plssss i love you so much can you wake me up" and it has worked sometimes

-half the time i shoot up into sitting up after a nightmare/sleep paralysis before i'm even aware and every time i'm like "this is just like in the movies"

-sometimes while falling asleep i realize i'm falling asleep and i feel my muscles relaxing and i'm like "SLEEP PARALSIS⁉️🫨" and i snap awake and i have to distract myself with tiktok for several minutes before i try again

-sometimes i use sleep paralysis as a way to practice controlling dreams bc my brain likes the nightmare+sleep paralysis+physical pain(????????????) combo and i would like to change that. i don't think ur supposed to feel pain in dreams but my brain is a little bitch to me apparently. and it hates me

sleep deprivation things:

- i am autistic, but sleep deprived i get VERY fucking autistic, like more than my usual. i'm more sensitive to stimuli and my already low level of masking is even lower. if you say hi and smile at me i will literally just stare at you. smiling back hasn't even crossed my mind. i won't be able to soften my blunt comments. i lose the ability to dissociate through grocery trips. a lot of my safe clothes become unsafe and i can only tolerate skirts and loose shirts bc they don't feel like they're touching me. my meltdowns are generally internalized but when sleep deprived they will probably be external and happen a lot faster

things people do after having a nightmare that isn’t crying

struggle to catch their breath

grab onto whatever’s close enough to ground themselves in reality

become nauseous / vomit

shake uncontrollably

sweat buckets

get a headache

things people do to combat having nightmares if they occur commonly

sleep near other people so they can hear the idle sounds of them completing tasks

move to a different sleeping spot than where they had the nightmare

leave tvs / radios / phones on with noise

just not sleep (if you want to go the insomnia route)

sleep during the day in bright rooms

things people with insomnia do

first, obviously, their ability to remember things and their coordination will go out the window

its likely they’ll become irritable or overly emotional

their body will start to ache, shake, and weaken

hallucinate if it’s been long enough

it becomes incredibly easy for them to get sick (and they probably will)

add your own in reblogs/comments!

[manateeteaparty]

At my therapist appointment today, she suggested I write a journal entry like I usually do- but encouraged me to write a letter to my ex as a way of being therapeutic. I explained to her I don't feel comfortable with that. She said I don't have to give it to him- just write out my thoughts and what I would say if I was given the opportunity. So even though he'll never see this, it still helps getting my thoughts out instead of keeping everything inside. I want to write it both as an entry and a letter though, cause that feels more natural. Whatever. Here goes.

~I've been doing so well. I've been seeing a therapist and have been making progress on feeling happy again. Healing my wounds. Accepting things. Trying to love myself. Starting to feel normal. Starting to actually laugh and smile again, something I never thought would happen. I've been moving on.

And then my ex texted me out of the blue two days ago. I didn't expect it at all. I had fully come to accept the fact that I would never hear from him again- and I was okay with that. Life without him was starting to get easier. I was thinking about him less and less. I have slowly fallen out of love with him. He wrote in his text how 'he was sorry he took so long to respond to me, he felt overwhelmed and guilty with life knowing he couldn't see me because of how busy he was. That he has a new girlfriend. That if I still want to see him, maybe it will work out in a week or two. Maybe.' At first I was fine. Very surprised. I wrote him back and told him that I am not expecting anything from him and that I felt hurt because all summer I felt as if he had been lying to me instead of just honestly telling me the truth- if he doesn't want to see me, just say so. He wrote back:

"I want to as well but I also in a way feel bad hanging out with you when you still have feelings for me. I just feel like I'll be leading you on or something or maybe send you the wrong signal or idea. I just don't want you to stay hooked on me because we hung out too soon because I believe that it'll just keep hurting you."

That rubbed me the wrong way. And over the weekend, re-reading the messages, it's really pissed me off. Dude, cant you see? I dont love you anymore. I lost you and my entire world was flipped upside down. Yet the entire world kept turning as if nothing changed, and I was expected to smile and act as if everything was how it was meant to be. I felt homesick for a home I could no longer visit. I got so fucking sick, having panic attacks all summer and they only got worse, to the point where they would last all day and it took a huge toll on my health and my heart. I had to take time off work and almost lost my job. I was so scared, I could actually feel the muscle of my heart getting weaker every day from so much rapid beating and working overtime. I started losing my ability to breathe well because I could only produce short, quick bursts. I was terrified and scared and wanted my best friend. Being in your presence always made my anxiety fade. You have no idea how fucking terrified I was. It took so much for me to swallow my fear of bothering you to reach out to you and ask for help. I told myself "It doesn't matter if he doesn't love me anymore- he was my best friend, he was my partner. He still cares deep down. If he ever called me and needed something, or was feeling down, I'd be there for him." I messaged you and asked if you could please, please meet with me for just five minutes, I was literally begging you to see me, anything to help me try and overcome the intense physical pain and panic I was feeling. I wanted to hear you tell me a joke, tell me a story about something fun you did over the summer, anything to take my mind off the situation. You wrote me back and were so cold and emotionless. Another 'Maybe, if I have time, idk.' That was the moment I fell out of love with you. It was like having the wind knocked out of me repeated. Realizing that someone who I had spent every single day exchanging I Love You's with for years, had so many memories with, now didn't give a single shit about me, my life or whether or not I was alive, dead, or in between. I realized you literally wouldn't even notice if I dropped off the face of the planet. It reminded me of last year before I went to the hospital, when I was afraid of what I might do and broke down and told Brennan how depressed I was and how scared I was I might do something and not be able to control it. I reached out to ask for help- something that's extremely hard for me to do without feeling like a burden-and he just walked away. After that reply from you, I drove myself to the hospital. I was diagnosed with Broken Heart Syndrome (Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy). I cried and laughed when they told me that- fucking ironic that I'm suffering from heartbreak in the most literal form while realizing you probably forget I exist half the time. You pushed me away to the point where I look forward to silence from you. I've learned to stop begging for your time and attention. The more you've ignored me, the more I've got used to being ignored. I found myself begging you for a response, clarity, respect, even basic human dignity. I took a step back and realized I was begging you for the bare minimum, and even that was asking too much of you.

Yes, I wanted nothing more than to be able to maintain a friendship with you- to be able to heal, to forgive and come out of this as better people who care and appreciate and respect each other, who are still able to support each other with none of the emotional baggage of a relationship. I wanted so much to be able to see you again, to smile and laugh with you again, to go on so many adventures, to share deep thougts with you, to see you grow into an amazing man and support you in your future relationships and be your biggest cheerleader. To tell you I'm so fucking proud of you during every turn of the road. I honestly wish you the best and will never stop caring for you. I'm so incredibly grateful for you coming into my life and the experiences we shared- I'd like to believe at one that at least some of the love I felt from you was real, because you made me feel so safe, you allowed me to feel comfortable enough to let my guard down and be vulnerable with you, and I honestly felt like you were the missing half of my soul. Being apart from you was painful and every time I would see you again, it was instant relief. Your smell was so calming and when I held you, I've never felt a love like that for anyone before. God, I loved holding you, kissing your forehead, humming to you while you fell asleep in my arms. As much as it probably was nice for you, I think I loved it more. Watching you sleep and listening to your slow breath. Tracing the lines of your face and lips with my fingers, so fucking beautiful. I was in awe that someone could be so perfect. I always felt such an overwhelming sensation of deep, pure love in those moments looking down on you asleep in my arms, it made me feel so happy to be able to comfort and protect someone so precious to me. All I ever wanted was to make you happy. Actually craving someone- not just sexually, but intimately. I felt like you were a missing piece of me. Kissing you was like taking a drug. I couldnt get enough. And when you made love to me.... in those moments, I honestly believed that you loved me just as much as I loved you. That I made you happy. That as long as we truly loved each other, and were willing to be patient and communicate our needs to each other, we would last forever... but none of that matters anymore.

I know I hurt you. I know things got bad towards the end, and it wasn't easy for you. It wasn't easy for me either. I wanted to make you happy and I couldn't. It's so hard to make someone happy if I can't even make myself happy. I wanted to give you the love you deserved, and still do deserve- but it was hard to love you when I was continuously struggling to love myself. I tried, I really did. I'm still trying- but clearly what you wanted, and what I could give you, wasn't enough. I just wish I realized that months ago, or you felt that you could tell me without being afraid. And I need you to realize- every time I blocked you on social media, or did something to distance myself from you, it wasn't because I didn't want to see you. It wasn't because I ever stopped loving you- I never did. It was because in those moments I felt so untirely unlovable, so completely undeserving of happiness. And when I'm in those moments, I struggle to find the words or ways of communication. I stutter and I lose my train of thought, my mind goes blank and no matter how much I try to explain how I'm feeling, I just can't. I feel like everyone around me will benefit from me not being around. I feel like it's better if I take a step back, calm down for a moment or two, collect my thoughts and re-group, then come back when I'm able to be present and explain how I'm feeling. In those moments, I blocked you because I was removing the temptation of me reaching out to you, of being worried I'd make even more of a mess of things. It was never because I wanted to stop seeing you, or I wanted you out of my life- it was because I felt undeserving of being in yours, and I was removing myself from you temporarily so I could try and get better.

At this point, there is no way a friendship is possible between us. Maybe someday, a few years from now, things will be different. We will both be healed enough to look past the hurt, and we'll meet again, high-five each other, and say "Dude, I fucking missed you so much. Let's make plans to catch up" and actually mean it. Right now though- someone who continuously ignores me, refuses communication, refuses to respect me and is willing to sabotage years of friendship instead of trying to salvage it- I have no room in my life for someone like that. And your actions show me that I'm not worth your time, or thoughts. Maybe in another life, things are different. Maybe our love ended more gently, just like it began. In kindness and in care.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I've been so busy. Maybe I can see you in a week or two. Maybe." And then the "Oh but I'm worried to see you cause I don't want to lead you on" which he's also told me twice before. Excuse after excuse to not see me. You're seriously going to fucking sit there and expect me to believe that for four months you've just been so busy, you haven't had time to reply to a text? You've been too busy to lift a finger. Yet, you've had plenty of time to spend with your friends, various other things, and apparently date someone enough that you're now in a relationship with them? Yeah. That math doesn't match.

OK. Here's the thing. I'm a fucking adult.

If I didn't want to see you, I would say so. If I'm having a rough time mentally and don't think I'm ready for something, I'll also say so. I'm not afraid to tell you. YOU don't get to make those choices for me. I value honesty above all else and expect people to treat me with the same respect and consideration I give them. Don't lead me on. Don't lie to me. TELL me the truth. I won't be mad that you don't want me or don't want to be around me- I'll be mad because you acted like you did. The fact of the matter is, people make time for who they want to make time for. People reply to those who they want to talk to. When someone tells you they're too 'busy', it's not a reflection of their schedule, it's a reflection of your spot on their schedule. If you are trying to ask someone something really important and they continuously respond with "I don't know", "I'm not sure" or just flat out ignores you, they are purposely wasting your time and disrespecting you.

I wish he would just stop contact. Cut the cord. I don't get it. I want to scream, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! What is this fucking game? What is the point of ignoring me for weeks on end, month after month, only to text me out of the blue telling me literally the same shit every time- that you're still busy, and still don't want to see me? Thanks. I could've guessed that by the silence and lack of talking for months on end. I don't need a text to tell me the same thing I already know. I feel like I've been trying so hard. This summer has been so fucking painful and it's taken me so long to get to where I was, to finally feel comfortable, and every time I hear from him it throws me backwards to square one, and it's excruciating. All it does is force me to relive the pain and heartbreak, triggers my fear of abandonment, reinforces my belief that I'm not good enough, creates SO much self doubt, breaks all the effort I've been working on with my trust issues, leaves me with yet again a lack of closure, and makes me feel as if I'm not worthy of love. It makes me want to scream, to punch a wall, to curl into a ball and sob until I can't make a sound anymore. I just want to be able to move on and be happy again. To learn how to be me again. I miss smiling. I miss laughing. I want to feel joy again. To be able to breathe without feeling as if I'm suffocating. I just want peace.~

[strawberrybuni]

🧵 anon here just wanted to say I hope your having an amazing day you are genuinely so cool and an amazing writer <3

Also regarding your recent post (I hope im not overstepping here, please feel free to ignore or tell me to mind my business lol I will not be offended) I wouldn’t worry too much about being seen as rude- i have an auditory processing disorder so I miss people talking to me or need them to repeat themselves all the time and I’ve found that people usually get that it’s not an intentional thing just a mistake if you just let them know you didn’t hear them and are not ignoring them on purpose.

I’ve found headphones are fairly easy to explain and a lot of people like to wear them in public so I’m sure most understand and I doubt anyone thinks youre rude for it (especially seeing as it is a common honest mistake) unless they’re weird about manners or kind of a dick or something in which case I don’t have an answer tbh

If you want it to be more clear that you are listening to music you could try getting some cheap overear headphones as they tend to be more visible though some people find them uncomfortable to wear.

PS re-reading some of your old stuff (the one with asking the jjk characters about a bite mark tattoo) and the reader calling Mahito a biter made me giggle really hard and also I 100% agree that’s something he’d do. Also sweet gods your dialogue is all so in character and widely varied character to character in ways that fit really perfectly and I also like the way you write the reader themself quite a lot and good lord you are so good at this I am impressed every time I re read your work

(Feel like I should mention I am very sleepy rn so this message may or may not be totally coherent, but yeah I hope you are taking care of yourself and doing well and though just hearing someone else say it isn’t super helpful I do honestly find that most people are usually not judging you for small things as much as you think especially if there is a clear and reasonable explanation which there 100% is in this case <3)

(Also again I hope I’m not overstepping or anything and I hope my sleepy brain didn’t phrase any of this in an accidentally rude way or something; my ability to convey tone goes down 100% when im sleepy but I just wanted to let you know that I doubt you are being judged and I know just being told that doesn’t solve the issue or anything but might be good to hear? Idk im gonna stop talking I think I might be starting to repeat myself now lol)

(Also sorry this got so long lol)

I swear you always know how to make me go 🥺 I hope you're having an even MORE amazing day!!

oh you're not overstepping at all!!! I always get so worried ugh, I think what doesn't help is that I use earbuds, and I have fluffy curly hair that covers my ears so people can't see if I'm wearing headphones or not(it's how I've gotten away with it at work and in class teehee), but you're right usually when I'm like OMG IM SORRY I HAD HEADPHONES IN they're always very understanding! I just overthink 🥺

no bc mahito is SO a biter like omg, but thank you so much for your kind words 🥹 I'm really happy you like how i write my reader! maybe other writers can relate, but my reader is very much myself tbh, like some of my friends who know of my blog have read some of my stuff and been like "why is that literally a conversation we've had?" LOL

you can thank my one short film teacher for teaching me his tips and tricks when it comes to writing dialog for scripts fr fr, I learned from him :3

also also don't apologize! I deeply enjoy hearing what you have to say 🫶🏻

[doctorbunny]

MILGRAM theory time: Haruka!

This isn't going to go super in depth (famous last words) but there's a few heavily debated parts of Haruka's MV I want to share my findings/thoughts on because I think this is my new special interest and during my quest to get best boy's song to 1 million views I have been looking over his first MV with a fine tooth comb so to speak.

Disclaimer: As the Jackalope said in the "This is the MILGRAM" trailer, we don't necessarily know everyone's crime from just the first video, its possible that a lot of things will be re-contextualized in the second MV, however I am not psychic or bilingual and thus will only be working with content released before August 20th 2021 and translated into English (which could cause some language/cultural details to be lost on me as translation is not a 1 to 1 process).

TW for discussions of ableism, child abuse, murder and animal death. Also this is really long so sorry to all the people that follow me for non-MILGRAM stuff

Firstly, I want to start on the topic of Haruka as a person. He is disabled. He does not have 'the mind of a child' (although he is 17, making him legally a minor in both North America and Japan). He is not just 'child-like'. And he is not mentally ill (well he might be, in the sense that many disabilities like Haruka's have strong comorbidities [where a person has two or more conditions but neither directly causes the other] with anxiety, depression and PTSD, but usually when I see people talk about him 'struggling with mental illness' they go on to refer to aspects of his disability). Sometimes on tumblr, people like myself, will see canonical traits written into a character and identify them as being traits associated with our disabilities/mental illness and headcanon them as such. Sometimes this even involves saying things like "It's basically canon!" Although we understand that these characters were probably not the result of a writer intending to write a disabled person. When I say that Haruka is being written as a person with a neurodevelopmental disability, I mean the writer intended to write a disabled character and wrote them in a way that they wanted the audience to pick up on. As an autistic person (which is one of many neurodevelopmental disorders and also something I probably didn't have to specify because who else would be writing an essay about a series they got into a few days ago at 11 o'clock at night) I really like how Haruka has been written so far. There's definitely some parts of him that have been exaggerated so abled normies can pick up on his disability (namely how his MV 's main motif is really child-like drawings) but the writers also included a lot of smaller details I appreciate like how it is noted he avoids eye contact when talking to other people and is depicted as nervously pulling at his sleeves in official artwork, or how he says he finds his prison uniform (which has tight straps) 'relaxing' and when he gets nervous/tense, he will dig his fingernails into the palm of his hands. (These last two potential being examples of 'self stimulation' [aka stimming] where a person seeks out specific sensory stimuli in order to help regulate their nervous system/emotions, in this case the tight uniform creates a comforting, secure feeling [you may have heard about some people preferring to sleep under weighted blankets for this reason] and digging nails into his palms sounds uncomfortable/painful but is done in an attempt to deal with a greater sensory discomfort caused by the situation/environment) I also appreciate the depth he is written with, he struggles to communicate verbally but in his MV and interactions with other inmates is shown to have insecurities, opinions and a consistent thought process (this is all basic character stuff but unfortunately not always present in disabled characters)

Also I want to add that (in terms of what we've been shown so far) Haruka did not kill anyone because of his disability/mental illness. Disabled people are not inherently more innocent than abled people. But there is no disability/mental illness where a symptom is that you kill people and real people have to live with the stigma when you speak carelessly and suggest things like "Haruka is the kind of mentally ill person who kills people as a cry for help" 🧂 (or at the very least real people have to read BS like that and cringe). TL;DR Haruka is less child-like and more onion-like (as in, he has layers) 🧅🧅🧅

Now is the actual theory stuff, oops:

Every prisoner in MILGRAM is supposed to have committed murder in some way, obviously considering Yuno just had an abortion (which i personally do not consider an act of murder) whilst Mu literally stabbed someone to death, this definition is stretched a bit. But it is not agreed upon yet who Haruka killed/how many people he killed or why he killed.

In his MV he is shown to have chased after his dog into a forest, seen something off-screen, then beaten something into a messy pulp with a rock. Some people think the dog is a red herring and that Haruka actually killed his mother/the girl from the fireworks show/his brother. I do not agree.

First: I believe Haruka when he says he doesn't have a brother. The MV literally starts by Haruka looking in the mirror and then switching between the him now

and a really similar looking younger child who just so happened to be a key feature of his memories (I don't have the vocabulary to explain it but its like cinematic parallels that establish this is the same person at different points of their life)

Its not impossible that this is Haruka's secret younger brother, but i think its unlikely. I saw someone saying they had to be different people because Haruka looks less happy than the child but like, most 17 year olds are less visibly happy than when they were 7 (or however old the child is meant to be). Life happens.

So when Haruka is shown pushing the child around and eventually strangling him, this isn't meant to be literal (homicide or suicide), but a representation of how conflicted Haruka feels about his younger self, who may have committed the murder (if you've ever been kept awake cringing at memories of something you said in the past and wishing you could go slap some sense into your former self, this is like that but 10 times more self loathing). The lyric "I am always repeating yesterday," implies he might think about this specific past event a lot.

Moving on, its pretty well accepted that Haruka's parents were abusive in some way and Haruka internalised a lot of it: he constantly apologises, he says in his interrogation questions that his one wish come true is that "[he] want[s] to be loved" and describes in his MV how when he couldn't find the words he was looking for ("you're unfair") one of his parents "would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless.”". He seems to know its unfair but also still says he 'loves' his family, possibly mistakenly believing it is his fault, but also showing an awareness of his situation (and how his parents might behave).

Now, the MV is stylised in a way that makes certain details unclear, but there is one clear detail showing that Haruka's dog was killed

This is the first close up of Haruka and the dog. Haruka's mother is just out of frame supervising, but they look pretty happy. Notice how the puppy has a silvery chain for a collar. Somehow, this dog gets out of the house but only Haruka is shown chasing after it (whether his mother was searching elsewhere or didn't bother following her disabled son into the forest is unclear). Either way, young Haruka is now in the forest, unsupervised.

By the time he finds the dog, there is already blood, suggesting it was initally attacked by something else.

is this a sigh of relief from a boy whose finally found his beloved pet or a jealous weakling glad that nature took its course and he is finally free of that meddling mutt stealing all his mummy's attention? /j

I think this shock at the discovery that 'there is blood on his hands' could imply that rather than literally getting the blood from his dog, Haruka has seen his already injured dog and realises that if the dog got out because of him (he is previously shown to be aware his parents seem to blame him for everything) then he is the reason his dog is injured/dying and will be blamed for it. (this scene plays over the lyrics "It’s fine, though it’s really not It’s really fine, though I don’t really think so When I tried to understand it, You’ll make that disappointed face again" suggesting he is trying to avoid making his parents disappointed and letting the family pet escape into danger is something that could make them very disappointed)

now we get into rock murder (this is present-day Haruka implying that this is either: not how the scene really played out; the writers really wanting the audience to know that this was Haruka's doing and not someone else's; or this turns into a separate incident that happened much later [although note that the red sky and blue moon is the same as when young Haruka first appears at the start])

b the corpse is beyond mangled now, but its clearly the dog because the silver chain collar is still there, to the right of the body. (circled in red for your convenience :3)

My hypothesis is: Haruka didn't set out to kill his dog, but upon finding it injured (we don't know the severity aside from bleeding and also it not being able to run away from Haruka kneeling down above it w/ a big rock so it could range from treatable with a lot of vet help to already on death's door, TBH I don't think Haruka would know the difference) He knew he'd be blamed for this; made into a villain who let the poor puppy come to harm. He panicked and killed the dog out of some idea that it would make him the victim here (since he'd be found crying over a dog corpse, which might make a parent go comfort him rather than getting angry about what could've happened to the dog). This is over the lyrics: "I cried, I screamed I wanted to be a pitied and loved weakling I was in denial, I was in denial I just had to make sure I’ve become a victim, I’ve become a victim" (there's another theory that he was also jealous of the dog, which could work here too, since this is not some calculated plot; rather its a rash decision) This ties in with his Japanese song title (translated as Weakness) which is a play on a phrase sort of like "The strong eat, the weak do not" to become "The weak are eaten by society" or "The weak eat each other to survive" [once again I am reminding everyone this is based on second hand information from the youtube comments section (from users mitchki and Alphaistic) because I do not speak Japanese] This second meaning (The weak eat each other to survive) makes sense under the reading that Haruka killed his dog in order to 'survive' making his parents disappointed for the dog escaping.

Miscellaneous points:

We don't know where Haruka's necklace came from yet, it must be a gift since the most expensive thing he's ever bought was cotton candy. The younger child in the video isn't wearing it and neither is his mother or the girl in the purple dress.

Haruka's home seems quite big, at the start we can see a large flower garden outside the window and there's a forest in walking distance. This might suggest his family is quite wealthy

Haruka probably did go to school at some point as homeschooling is not a legally accepted as an alternative to public schools in Japan. (However it is estimated that up to 5000 families homeschool, this is uncommon) A lot (about 62%) of Japanese schools apparently have a 'special needs' classes and there are about 505 schools focused on educating intellectually disabled students (although I do not know which sort Haruka would've needed as whilst intellectual and development disabilities can be comorbid they aren't the same). Now, if children aged 7-14 don't go to school, their parents receive a fine, but its possible that if Haruka's parents are wealthy, they just paid it to avoid sending him to school. (This might imply they wanted to hide him or were generally ashamed of him in some way) However high school education (for students over 14) is not legally required and its likely that even if Haruka went to elementary/middle school, he hasn't been around people his own age in at least 3 years. As he seems quite lonely and glad that the other prisoners give him attention.

I don't think Haruka's parents are divorced and if they are, its not his father who left. Haruka mentions in the 30 questions that he thinks he disappointed his father. But still includes him as part of his family ("My father and mother and me"). A theory I've seen is that his father was disappointed by his son being disabled and left. but developmental disabilities (especially in non verbal and semi verbal children like Haruka) can be diagnosed before the age of 3, so I feel it is unlikely that Haruka would bring up his father if he left that early in Haruka's life

All MILGRAM prisoners have covered one of DECO*27's older vocaloid songs (DECO*27 is a well known producer who composes the music for MILGRAM) Haruka covered 'Two Breaths Walking' (https://youtu.be/puXLfVWrz2Q) which is about a boy's first relationship and how his mother's jealousy set him up for failure as the relationship becomes toxic (specifically it has some very funny out of context lines like "Whose breasts are you sucking on now?") so yeah, mommy issues: the song (Also: some people say in the song, the boy kills the girl at the end, but this isn't literal, TBW is the first of a trilogy of songs about the same relationship, it is followed by Android girl then Two Breaths Walking: Reloaded and the story resolves with the couple reuniting as adults and getting in the relationship again, although its not necessarily as abusive as before, its still implied to be codependant ending on the line 'We should live like oxygen tanks, sucking breathe from the words each of us exhale, until our last breathe')

In all seriousness, the scene where younger Haruka is walking through the city with his mother but it keeps repeating until older Haruka pulls the younger one away might indicate an attempt to focus the happier memories of his parents (since this is also over the lyrics "Why is it breaking? Tell me why? Please don’t change If I tried and couldn’t say it, You would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless.”" which depict a worse scene) I think both his parents are still physically present but have become far more emotionally distant, not giving him as much attention, which exacerbates his loneliness from not having any friends his own age to talk to

And if one of his parents did leave? I think its likely his mother since she is shown disappearing out of his reach after the dog-incident (inferring she got angry/disappointed in Haruka anyway) This could also be where he got his necklace from: Its something his mother used to wear (although this is 100% a guess) and that's why its shown to be important to him

This one is just me, but i didn't realise until a rewatch that when Haruka is watching the younger him and the girl running together, the background has fireworks. Haruka mentions fireworks being a key memory to him so I wonder if this was one of the first/last times he got to make a friend...

On three separate occasions in the interrogation, Haruka mentions not liking animals. Despite this, he is depicted as sleeping with a rabbit plush and on his birthday art (I'd include that too but tumblr only allows 10 pictures per post, so here's a link) he is standing next to a giant blueberry and strawberry cake with two bunny themed biscuits at the side. Through my experiences of seeing Japanese fandom art on pixiv, sometimes rabbits are used to insinuate a character is cute and timid in fanart.

Meaningless details: Haruka sleeps with his necklace on; he sleeps on a bed and not a futon; at first I thought he woke up holding his plush's hand but his hand is merely next to the toy; and considering the state of the pillow and blanket, I wonder if he moves a lot in his sleep or if the is just because in this case he seems to be waking up from a nightmare about the dog incident...

Final note: I've spent so many hours writing this I don't remember if i was building up to any big finale or not but I hope you enjoyed reading this! Feel free to add on in the comments/reblogs.

[the27percent]

Atieno makes a point to gather one of the smaller containers and a set of chopsticks. They are glad to be able to have something to eat while they are bearing some of their issues.

They take a few bites of the chicken they have before taking a seat and settling in.

"Yeah, it's been one of those moments where it feels like I don't want to talk about some of the .. things I've been ruminating over but I know I probably should because otherwise I don't have an outlet for.

They pause for a moment to try and explain what has been on their mind.

"I think I'm having some memories of a previous version of myself really starting to resurface lately. As if I kind of missed some of the way I felt more.. I guess confident. I do recall there's a brashness I had that I really don't want to repeat if I don't have to - but I don't know. I sense a need to really.. re-affirm I guess.. a 'sense' of self as much as I can have one. Which is probably not.. that much of one if I'm really honest about it."

BY ALL MEANS.

He opens the bag, sets out the containers and chopsticks in a haphazard arrangement that suggests his usual guests don't sit down to eat very often. He hesitates for a moment over it all, wondering if he may be missing something, then takes his seat on the other side of the desk.

PLEASE, HELP YOURSELF.

Death rarely has cause to sit in his own study. There's little enough paperwork involved in his business. Good work if you can get it, of course, and so on and so forth. And the chair gives a long, atmospheric creeeeeeeeeeak as he leans back, his hands resting on the skull-shaped ends of the armrests.

[butterfliesinmyguts]

A Helping Hand

summary: reader always helps around and levi wonders why.

warning : fluff, angst, and happy lovely stuff(may or may not turn into a series)

“ you did better today...” Mikasa breathed pushing my body off of hers. I finally was able to take her down. before dinner, she’s been helping me train to get better at combat.

a smile fell on my face, getting up and dusting myself off, “ keep it up and I’ll be more scared of you then those titans are..” I was able to keep up with Mikasa in ODM training, which was nearly impossible for everyone else. i felt at home in the air- as soon as my body begins to float, everything thing else zones out. my swords were just an my arms extended and I felt so powerful killing titans- scared yes- but powerful, but on ground I’m a clumsy wreck.

“ now let’s go eat before our meals fall victims to Sasha” letting out a laughed, I quickly remember a promise I made earlier today.“ could you save me a potato or something? I promised Jean I’d cover for his stable shift...” My friend sighed, “ again y/n?” quickly nodding, I set off to the stables.

I didn’t mind helping, if it was me I would want someone to offer to help me. sometimes I helped hange with mission plans, the days we go into town a lady sometime needs help carry supplies in her store, at the end of the week I help armin with reading, and at the beginning of the week I help captain levi organize his papers.

helping Levi is my favorite part of the week, if I’m in his office late enough he’ll set a cup of tea in my face with the words “ drink “ following after. while in my focused trance of replacing the water for the horses, and daydreaming about my captain Levi- two feet come into my line of vision. looking up my eyes were met with cold grey ones and then his trademark frown.

“ why are you out here, this is Jean’s punishment” dropping the buckets to the dirty stable ground, I wiped the sweat off my palms against my pants- fucking Jean, you told me this was duty.

“ just giving him a helping hand” my voice cracked, trying to laugh off the pure nevrousness that his presents brings me. I admit that im extremely fond of captain levi. he’s was the only guy that has ever made my stomach go crazy just by looking at me. the way he holds himself, short- yes- but never looked down on. he is humanity greatest soldier, during training I swear that he watches me. I feel his eyes burning my skin, the one time I did catch him Levi’s eyes widen and his breath hitched. I would kill to even be able to hug him, sometimes I imagine what it’s like to kiss him-but know that’ll never happen, hange told me that he thinks I’m silly and child like - he’d never feel that way about me.

“ - and now you’re standing there looking stupid, are you going to answer me y/n?” I realized that I’ve completely blocked out everything he said.

“ i.. please repeat the question- I’m sorry.” pinch his nose, my captain shook his head toward the ground. “tch, I asked you why your doing his punishment ?” shrugging, I began to brush the horses. “ I like being a helping hand, -“ before he got the chance to scold me I continued with “ it’s the only thing that makes me feel happy..”

looking up to catch him staring at me, our eyes locked together and for the first time ever I saw his eyes soften. taking him in, cause I may not ever be allowed to do it again, my heart ached. Levi is beautiful, breathtaking. his youthful glow made those dark orbs glow,if lips werent in the plain straight line- they would be puffy and pinky- so kissable. pulling my eyes away I finally breathed, trying to focus on the brush going through the horses hair while Levi still watched me. “ if that’s the case I need help mapping out the next expedition, hange told me your quite intelligent.” my cheeked warmed and a smile began to creep up on my lips- hange is getting so much praise next time I see them.“ I’ll find out for myself..” that smile dropped. “ come to my office after you clean and change from your filthy clothes.” nodding I watch the man walk towards the dining hall. On the inside, I was doing leaps. more time with levi, and we’d be talking to each other- I get too share my thoughts with levi.

“let the horse boy have fun with his siblings, and if I catch you doing other’s chores I’m making you run until the sunsets...” and you giggled.

during dinner levi couldn't help to think of you. why did you look at him like that, was there something on his face? maybe you were just scared, but no he’d always caught you looking at him. rather it been during training, in the dinning hall, and even doing expeditions.

Recalling back to when he first saw you, that smile you had permanently planted on your face- stupid what made y/n so happy? he was even more stunned when you got your ass handed to you by reiner during training and yelled “ again!” with that grin. that beautiful smile, y/n was beautiful- everyone knew it. levi heard eren, jean, connie, armin, and even hange talked about what they would do to have you in they’re beds, they all ranted about you body- Levi will admit that he has imagined your shy breath as his hand roamed your skin but It's more than looks with you, you care so much and you're gentle with him.

y/n would make sure that you take off your boots when entering his office ( which is tedious a job in itself ) but you did because Levi hated it when his floors were dirty and when on missions you squeeze all you cadets hands just to comfort them. no one ever has been gentle to him, it made him feel important but more importantly, why couldn't he stop thinking about you.

after showering, you changed into you nightclothes and headed to levi office. you knocked softly to quick “ come in..” I opened the door to Levi pulling two cups of tea. “ your late, I hope you didn't finish the stables...”

pulling your shoes off placing them beside his door you watched him pour, “ I didn’t” assuring him. moving towards the desk, examining the maps- Levi’s notes were so oragnized and neat. each note had so much detail about the surrounding area. while familiarizing with the map, Levi placed the tea cup infront of you. “ drink.” Brushing passed you, he set down in his chair.

why would he risking going in the open field for 740 meters, “ wouldn’t it be better to use this patch for cover?” expressing my concern, levi leaned up and listened to me rumble about the how it’ll be longer but it’ll save more cadets- every change I got I took a peek to see if he was still listening.

those sliver eyes watched me draw circles and point at the map, bottom lip between his teeth. i imagined how good it would feel to push my lips against them, the relief and pleasure that would rush through my body. I craved him “urh- but those are my thoughts..” finishing pushing away from the desk, distracting myself by sipping the tea.

“ where would we stop ?” Levi questioned, my heart warmed up, I stood over him to explain better “ over there would be a great rest point..” pointing to it, my neck completely in front of levi. I felt his breath hitched, clearing my throat i grabbed the pencil marking the on the map. “ I notice a cabin the last time we traveled...”

“ tch, impossible that’s a bit of the trail, with those tree you couldn’t have seen anything..” looking down in shame “ well while everyone was sleep I explored, even found a waterhole..”

I knew the risk of exploring, but I couldn’t help myself. while setting up for camp I saw a stream pulling down and I just had to see.

“don’t ever do that again...” nodding feeling ashamed, does this mean I have to go stay in the dungeon like eren? his eyes lighten a smirk playing along his lips.

“ just don’t go alone okay?” smiling at his words. sitting across from him I continued to tell him my discoveries - making sure he took notes of the waterhole and fields filled with berries. Levi forced me to write all my finding down, and he promised to even follow me on one of my ventures next time.

as time flew by tea cups were spilled, by me of course, and I was forced to re write the papers I ‘ ruined ‘ leaning my head on this desk my eyes flutter - wake up y/n - yawning I turned to levi still writing, how is he still writing? that tea was not keeping him up. so much energy, my eyes trailed his toned arms- the veins moving every in each stroke. blinking I distracted myself from my dirty thoughts.

“ you need to sleep levi” stretch my bones, the pop and crack give me a shot of adrenaline so I can actually wake up. “I’m fine” he muttered.

Levi eyes sunk from the lack of sleep, he was fighting it- too focused in his work to care that his eyes were burning and skin was red with an indention on his finger from the pen. “ they’ll be there tomorrow I promise..”

I reach to grab the papers, placing my hand softly on his bicip- he stiffened instantly and pushed my back into his bookcase. my ass landed on the ground,“ owe!” I cried, rubbing my back. fuck he is strong for a little guy, wow.

“y/n!”

levi rushed over and I swear his eyes were widen, like he was worried that he actually hurt me. Levi quickly leaning down watching me.“ I didn't mean to that y/n” a couldn't help but smile at him. were so close right now, my nose filled with his fresh scent- mint and tea leafs.

“ don't worry captain I-” levi’s hand pat my head. I could fucking scream in joy right now. did he just pat me? he never touches anyone. what does this mean, pulling away I watch his hand close as his finger tips carcassed his palms. as if he was trying to saver the feeling of my head, huh?

“your being gentle with me, why?” questioning him- levi set down in front of me. “ why not, your gentle with everyone else..” my eyes widen, he notices me In that way? planting his hand on my cheek, my heart stop, It felt so warm- his thumb wipe the tiny tear from the corner of my eyes. I’m blushing “I just flung you, and your still smiling why?”

shrugging “ I should have known that what’s going to happen” breathing out, I stared at his lips. “ y/n..” nodding not looking up at him. just kiss him, Levi is right there.

“ l'm going to kiss you..” he leaned and pushed my hair out of my face. repeating those words in my head, “ is that okay?” nodding quickly our lips came together as Levi took me in. I felt his chest against mine, and I couldn’t help but to grip his collar pulling him closer.

our lips begun to dance with each other, levi hands landed on my waist pulling me on top of his thighs. that smile still planted on my face between the kisses, while my hand combed his undercut.

my daydreams weren’t even a compare to the real deal, gently rubbing the back of his neck, Levi groaned into my mouth. With each movement we gained a slow rhythm,our body flowing against each other. I couldn’t help but to moan in pure pleasure I was feeling.

levi pulled bac slowly and watched me with my smiled in a drunken daze. replaying the moments in my head, Levi just kissed me, Levi my captain levi thinks of me- he thinks I’m gentle. a “ wow” left my mouth as he got up, leaning down quickly to steal one last kiss. my smiled never left my lips as I stood up leaning against the bookcase as finger tips brushed over my lips, hope the tingling sensation never went away. Im buzzing, I’m buzzing- all because of him.

watching the man, pick the fallen books up his eyes went to the window . “ it’s almost dawn, go get some sleep” Levi ordered coldly , point toward his bed.

fuck, “it’s dawn already!” I darted around Levi’s office trying to clean my area and while getting myself together. Levi stood there confused, as my actions all clicked in his head- arms crossed tightly along his chest.

“ I promised sasha that I’d help her with her hair this morning- I hope she’s not up already- oh no” slipping on my shoes on. opening the door to walk out, I give him a warm smile. “ I’m so sor-“

“ don’t worry, thanks for the helping hand..” leaning in to kiss him I was met by a closing the door. dumbfound I stood there, “what?”

part 2!

[sally-mun]

After re-reading Season 1 of BHO, I can only think of two questions! 1. What scene hurt you the most while writing it, and which scene left you the most positive while writing it? 2. How hard was it to come up with ideas for this era of the Echidna history, given just how much of it gets blown over in the original Knuckles and Sonic comics? It's kind of amazing that almost everything between the white comet and Edmund and Dmitri's brotherly spat is just a fat load of nothing in the source material!

It's probably not a surprise to say that the most difficult thing I've written so far in this series was the last sentence of the last episode. Per my original outline I hadn't intended to have Kayla's death depicted within an episode, but it's the sort of thing that just sorta presents itself as necessary while you're in the middle of working. The worst thing about scenes like that though is the fact that I'm well aware that I COULD change things around if I really wanted to, but I'm less able to live with present an inferior story than I am with having to kill off characters I like.

Most positive thus far, incidentally, is also a last sentence. In this case, it's the last sentence of episode 7, Abandon Ship. Somewhere over the course of writing that ep, or maybe it was the one before it, was when I realized that Kayla was actually the original Guardian, but it was SO HARD sitting quietly on that epiphany until the right time. If I blew the lid early, that last line wouldn't have so much punch! Finally getting to post that was definitely a release for my nerves.

(Next section is long, so below the fold it gooooeeess)

As for how I came up with my version of echidna history so far... honestly, I don't know if it's a matter of easy or hard. The way I come up with pretty much any of these stories is by sorting out what things I -am- going to keep from the source material, and then continually asking myself questions. "What sort of thing would explain [x]? What kind of person would be needed in [y] situation for [z] to occur? If I take [a] as a given, what would be the expected consequences/side effects of that status quo? If [these characters] have [this kind] of relationship, was it always like that? If not, what changed to get it there?" Those sorts of things.

I think my way through these questions and come up with plausible answers, and if the answer makes sense and I can use it to further the story I'm telling, I add it into my outline, and then I start asking the same sorts of questions about this new element as well. By repeating this process over and over, I gradually fill in the gaps in the narrative and gain insights into characters, organizations, and other elements, which I wouldn't have realized without that analysis. It's not always a fast process, either; sometimes the answer to a question takes weeks or even months to finally work itself out! There are also times when I only suddenly realize something literally RIGHT before I need to use it, and I get the writer's equivalent of a near-death experience as I think about how things would've turned out if I hadn't had that epiphany.

This also works in reverse if I stumble across a piece of canon I hadn't accounted for previously; if, say, I'm looking something up in one of the Sonic wikis and I trip over a bit of information I didn't have before but that I know I want to include, I start asking questions in the other direction to see where I can fit the new element into the existing outline. Sometimes things slip right in easily, sometimes the outline needs to be adjusted in order to incorporate it.

(This, by the way, is the reason why I constantly recommend writers outline their shit. Even one or two rounds of this process will leave you with a LOT of information in your lap. When your brain is continuously working out the details of your narrative, it's going to get to a point where there's too much data to keep track of just in your own mind. You WILL lose track of something at some point, that's just how the human brain works. Making note of any information you've decided to include saves you from having to remember, which frees up your mind to do other things.)

Anyway, a lot of this takes care of itself in the back of my brain on auto-pilot these days. Sometimes I'm sitting around and pointedly working on my story with all of my focus, but there are other times when I'm doing something completely unrelated but some background process in my brain that I'm not even aware of is still analyzing, and all of a sudden a critical idea that fixes a huuuge problem I've been struggling with will just spontaneously fall into my lap, seemingly out of nowhere. It only feels out of nowhere because I wasn't consciously working on it, but my subconscious still was, and every now and then it spits out a receipt.

SOOO YEAH, like I said, it's really not a matter of it being hard or easy, but moreso a matter of asking myself questions and having enough patience for my mind to reach the answers. It's a very long and gradual process, and each time I gain ground I just have to be sure to make a note of it.

[k-s-morgan]

Hi! I've been rewatching hannibal again and i'm mindblown by how many things i missed. There are still things that i don't really understand tho. During the 1st season it seemed like hannibal was concerned with how hard jack was pushing will. He constantly told will and jack that things were becoming too much. At the same time hannibal was hiding the fact that will had encephalitis which was making will go mad. What is hannibal trying to do here and why? Could you help me understand this🙏🧠

Hello! Oh yes, this show has such a great re-watch value. S1 can be confusing in particular. 

First, about encephalitis (I’ll take some stuff from my older post). Hannibal wanted Will to Become. He viewed Will clinging to limitations and denying his true nature as something very harmful, so he tried to shatter these limitations by using encephalitis as an opportunity. The sicker Will was, the less control he had, and the more chances there were of him snapping, acting on his urges, and killing someone. In addition, by losing time, Will couldn’t confirm to himself that he hasn’t murdered anyone. I believe Hannibal was waiting for him to become fed up with all this and decide to go dark because it’s easier than fighting. We can see his doubts with Sutcliffe: Will is cleared of all charges at first, but he still feels uneasy about his murder, wondering if he could have done it. 

Hannibal tries to further push it forward by making it sound like Will killed Beth, Georgia’s friend - Will is quick to argue against it, but Hannibal’s goal is clear: he pushes Will to face his darkness from different angles. Jack might think that the problem is in Will’s empathy, but Will and Hannibal know that it’s about Will’s darkness and his attempts to fight it. That’s why Will is followed around by Hobbs, his first kill. Will knows his repression is the likeliest root of his problem, and Hannibal hopes that with enough pressure, he will grow weary of fighting, snapping and becoming reborn. 

Obviously, the plan was very dangerous, but the show has its own dream logic and Hannibal has confidence that borders on downright devilish. We are led to believe that he flawlessly controls Will’s state of encephalitis. That’s why he’s so insulted when Sutcliffe asks him if he’s going to let Will die. He’s equally offended when Gideon suggests that he doesn’t care about Will because of him having a seizure - he repeats, “I said it was mild.” So Hannibal is certain that Will is going to be fine. He has a great conversation with Bedelia that explains his train of thought about it.

Hannibal: I see myself in Will.

Bedelia: Do you see yourself in his madness?

Hannibal: Madness can be a medicine for the modern world. You take it in moderation, it’s beneficial.

Bedelia: You overdose and there are unfortunate side effects.

Hannibal: Side effects can be temporary. They can be a boost to our psychological immune systems to help fight the existential crises of normal life.

So, in Hannibal’s mind,  Will’s illness was a medicine: it was supposed to cure him of his stubborn clinging to normality.

There are several interpretations regarding Hannibal’s remarks about Jack. Hannibal wants Will to acknowledge that he keeps doing this work despite the pressure because he’s drawn to darkness, with saving lives being an excuse. That’s why he stays: his longing for darkness outweighs the risks and the discomfort he’s experiencing. Hannibal openly asks Will why he stays despite knowing what it does to him; he forcefully pushes the victim label on Will, expecting him to grow fed up and fight it off, embracing the predator he is.

Hannibal also wants Jack to acknowledge that Will is in a very dangerous state of mind. It is supposed to drive the wedge between the two and to make Will see that playing normal isn’t worth it - normal people don’t appreciate him. Though basically, all Hannibal does is just say the truth. Will is indeed getting more and more dangerous and untrustworthy. Jack is indeed being a bad friend to Will by keeping him employed despite seeing how his state deteriorates; Jack is also quite rude to him. He demands immediate results while doing little himself. The way he yelled at Will in E1, after Will barely spent a day working on a case, and the way he attacked Will in E5 for not being clear enough are good examples of it. 

So, Hannibal actually gives sound advice to both Will and Jack against each other, but he also follows his own agenda at the same time (which ends with a Murder Family). 

[nikasholistic]

How do we change our subconscious belief systems? Ik it takes time, patience and self-awareness to reprogram ourselves, to tear out the destructive and self-sabotaging habits/thought patterns/(in)actions, to replace them with the right things that'll allow us to live the life we deserve

How do we actually do that?

There's such an info overload on the net. Who do I trust? What actually works? I really want to change, but I keep relapsing, then I give up, then as I realise I've spiralled, I get desperate, then I re-try... Then the cycle repeats

I have deep-rooted issues - no doubt that's why anything I try doesn't stick (plus mostly, what can I do when a part of me itself doesn't care about 'changing'? My desire to change < Convincing power of that part). It's unbearable, sometimes. Other times, when I wake up, I conveniently completely forget I was doing a particular method (eg I find myself working on affirmations for up to a week, then the next day somehow I don't even remember doing this (or I magically lose the paper I'd written them on), and it takes a while before I recall what I was working on). Extremely frustrating. Especially since it took me a while to identify these sly tricks of the SC mind (and it was a real aha moment when I looked back and saw this pattern snaking back into my past)

Ah these SC beliefs. It's so insane how powerful they can be. Ik some part of me is scared sick of me changing and getting rid of the old (90%+ self-destructive) me. Idk how to battle myself when it seems so natural for me to fall into these quicksand traps. Idk if you've experienced this. It's been some months now and it's not getting easier

Ever since I've 'woken up', I realise how rotten my current reality is, and the consequences of my poor thinking/feeling in the past. But I accept that. It's just: what if everything keeps going like this, and eventually leads to the same future? An unfulfilled, lackadaisical existence. I'm terrified of that. As if I'm in the passenger seat of a crashing car. The worst is when opportunities do knock (coz of some successful deliberate LOA practices), and I find myself unable to step up. Deep fear, hidden guilt, major lack of trust in myself have led to this. Phases of darkness during my developing years haven't helped either. As time passes, and the above cycle repeats, I become aware of more (long-buried) twisted beliefs and distorted concepts of my 'worth' and 'future'. It's frightening what monsters have been hiding under the bed. I feel helpless and alone

If I really force myself to challenge some beliefs, say, I end up 'researching' instead, and we all know endlessly consuming content (articles, 'self-help' books, YT 'coaches') is nice and all, but it ain't worth nothing without application

And application is where I fail

The only thing that's changed is I've become self-aware (say, half of the time) in realising when I'm falling prey to the 'destructive' beliefs. Again, it's not much use when I still give in (except now with added guilt at the back of my mind). But no, I do admit it's an achievement! I'm more aware of my thoughts too (as opposed to never realising what damage I was doing to myself by self-inflicting pain via thoughts for so many years)

Can I change? How would you go about turning your life around, from within, if you were in my place?

You inspire me so much. I hope you can give me some advice. I need help like you would help a child - Leading by the hand

What do I do, henceforth, to start rebuilding the foundations of my mind? (SC belief system)

Love you ❤️

And apologies for the long ask but I had to get it out of my chest instead of letting the helplessness grow unchecked. Any help would be appreciated eternally

Thank you for opening up, sometimes we just have to allow the words to flow✨

First of all, I would highly recommend Dr. Joe Dispenza’s book Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself. Because this is what you have to do in order to establish a new belief system, you have to break the habit of being yourself and thus let go of the past self. Dispenza shows you how to do this.

What I’ve personally learned from his books, and from other materials, is that establishing a new belief system is never an immediate thing, and you have to be very patient. You also have to be prepared for setbacks and be willing to rise above them.

I think you’re in some kind of loop with your current belief system. We have between 60-70 000 thoughts a day. 95% of these thoughts are unconscious thoughts. 90% of the thoughts you have today are the same thoughts you had yesterday. You’re running on autopilot, and the key is to establish a new program.

You change your belief system through repetition and turning disempowering beliefs into empowering beliefs. Shadow work is essential here because first, you have to understand the root of particular thoughts, and then change this root and create more empowering beliefs. You say you’re afraid of certain beliefs you uphold, and you don’t have to. You can heal them and let them go. 

Since the subconscious mind is like a computer, you have to establish a new program, and you do this by repetition. Affirmations are essential here. I’ve got a post about affirmations, you can read it here, I would highly recommend combining some of the techniques I presented there. I really think that affirmations are the best and the most effective way to reprogram your mind; you're already programming your mind with certain affirmations, but these affirmations are full of fear and uncertainty. Time for the new, conscious ones.

However, the most important part of changing your belief system is commitment. Why? Because the moment you decide to change, your ego will do everything to prevent you from attaining change. Your ego’s job is to protect you, and it does so by keeping you in a familiar situation, even if this situation doesn't serve you. Your ego is afraid of the unknown, however, the only way to establish a new belief system and thus a new reality is to willingly step into the unknown. You say you’re afraid of letting go of your old self, but it’s just your ego trying to be in control. You can let go of your past self. Your past self has nothing to offer you anymore. 

You have to become very conscious of your habits. Maybe change your routine a little bit? Stop doing certain things on autopilot, and find new ways of doing them. It’s connected with something called neuroplasticity, Dr. Joe Dispenza explains it very well in the book I’ve mentioned. 

It usually takes about 30-90 days of consistent work to establish a new belief system. That’s why you have to stay committed. You have to be prepared for a little battle with your past self and past belief system. You have to be prepared for the fact that you might want to come back to your old thinking patterns, and the moment you do this, it’s time to self-regulate. It’s time to switch your thinking and your emotions. Whenever you do this, you become a conscious designer of your reality and you stop allowing life to happen to you.

Hope that this was helpful. I know that you can do this, it takes time, but eventually, you’ll master your thoughts. 

Love you too 💗

[chibisquirt]

You don't have to answer, but if you wouldn't mind. What are some things you've learned about ADHD from Tumblr that are applicable to you, or others you may now? I've been reading more on it and how it manifests in girls/women and was curious when I read your rb on that post about Grammarly

I don’t mind at all!  Fair warning:  this is gonna be LONG.

I’m going to start by repeating something I mentioned in that post:  I was diagnosed in third grade, which was over two decades ago.  I had my diagnosis halfway through elementary school, much less high school and two rounds of college.  So a lot of the old information about ADHD I learned as a young person, and those things are worth exploring, too.  

Example:  It’s not that I’m not listening, Mrs. Nock, it’s just that if I try to keep my hands still, then the only thing I will retain from the lesson will be keep your hands still and not the things you trying to teach, which are supposedly important! 

(Mrs. Nock was the one who said to me, “I believe you believe you’re paying attention.”  Yes, it’s been fifteen years.  Yes, I’m still mad.  If you can’t have basic respect for your students, don’t teach.)

I figured out half on my own, half because of the counselling that if I had a fidget tool that didn’t require words I would pay better attention than if I tried to sit still.  (I still remember being mocked by my dad for fidgeting well after making that discovery, though.  Apparently diagnoses should only inform compassion when they’re his.)  On the same lines, I also figured out that music in the background wouldn’t work for me if it had words, and television is too distracting for me to use at all.  (I have a friend, though, whose ADHD works the opposite way:  he has difficulty focusing if there isn’t a television in the background.  Yes, both are valid.)

So, the Classics:  

I always had trouble with organization and cleaning, had trouble with schedules and calendars and managing my time.  Those are the things they’ll warn you about, the things they’ll tell you in counselling are natural and normal things for people with ADHD to have trouble with.  Trouble paying attention, sure.  Trouble sitting still.  Procrastination.  Got it.

But if you turn those traits around and re-frame them, they become a new set of symptoms.  Adaptations for these new symptoms are more personal and universally applicable in my life, and therefore, to my mind, more useful.

Take Procrastination.  (No really: please take it.)  That just means “putting it off until tomorrow,” and there are lots of reasons to do it:  “don’t have the tool I need” is one of the biggies, “want to conserve steps” trips me up a lot, “I still have time to get to it” is HUGE for me...  But a lot of times, these are just superficial reasons.  The re-framed symptom is, Trouble making yourself do things you don’t want to do.  

ADHD is an executive function disorder.  That’s a phrase I first learned on Tumblr, by the way; it may have been mentioned by one of my earlier counsellors, but it definitely wasn’t taught.  

This is why soooo many of us have struggled with the perception (including self-perception) that we’re lazy!  But no one tells the kid in the wheelchair he’s just lazy for not playing basketball.  (Okay, they totally do.  People are terrible.  Ignore that, stick to the point.)  I reframe this the way I do because acknowledging this as a symptom, taking the blame out of it, makes it easier to find adaptation.

Now, this is a personal post.  YMMV.  But I have an easier time managing my conduct if, instead of calling myself lazy a procrastinator, I say, “I keep not doing that --> oh it’s because I Don’t Wanna --> how can I con myself into doing it?”  (Strategies include bargaining, making it easier, powering through but then allowing yourself to stop afterwards, just acknowledging that I Don’t Wanna and allowing that to be valid...)  Procrastination is an action, but “executive function disorder” is a disease and “I Don’t Wanna” is its trigger, just as much as an allergy and a clump of ragweed are.  “Procrastination” is a powerful sphynx against which I’m helpless, but “I Don’t Wanna Disease” lets me start cultivating my metaphorical catnip and researching the answers to common riddles.

And while we’re talking about procrastination--and trouble with deadlines, and schedules in general--let’s talk about Time Insensitivity.  Missed deadlines and perpetual lateness (perpetual) are external actions, just like procrastination, and they can have all sorts of explanations.  

(Shoutout to Mrs. Pollack, who looked around a classroom containing thirteen-year-old me, and, knowing full well that I was chronically tardy, declared that “anybody who’s always running late, deep down, they just doesn’t care about anybody else’s time.”  Great job with calling the thirteen-year-old a heartless bitch, Mrs. Pollack!  As you can tell, I definitely forgot it very quickly, and didn’t at all have a self-critical breakdown about it, periodically revisiting the question of my own inherent selfishness for years!!!)

But ignoring the external actions, let’s take a compassionate look inside the head again.  Executive function includes regulation of, and awareness of the passing of, time.  Again: you can’t play the basketball with no legs.  We literally do not realize what time is doing.  Sometimes we do--if we devote enough of our attention to it, which may be a large amount for some, a small amount for others, or a variable amount for the same person.  But our brains literally don’t process it the same way.  

But hold on a minute--let’s go back to that analogy.  Because actually, people with no legs can play basketball!  It’s just that you have to use the adaptation of wheelchairs to do it--and that’s an adaptation for the game and for the players.  

I use alarms.  I’ve recently seen a post about audio memos as alarms.  There are people who just slap clocks everywhere.  When I was forced to work in a kitchen with no clocks, I used the multi-setting timer and set it for like four hours so I would know if I was keeping on schedule.  I also chose a job environment where much of my shift is the same as itself, and rigid punctuality isn’t enforced--that’s adapting my environment, instead of myself.  There’s all kinds of adaptations.  But you have to know you have the condition before you can compensate for it.

Here’s a fun little story:  when I was... oh, eleven?  Twelve?  My Quaker Meeting’s youth group (#7 whitest phrase I’ve ever written) went to the museum together.  One of the stops was in the children’s section, there was a... a pegboard, I think?  With some kind of problem on it.  A puzzle.  Me and a couple others sat down at it, and it took me a while, but eventually I solved it, and I looked up.  

I blinked.  “Where is everybody?” I said.

“They left,” said my mom.  “Half an hour ago.”  

I was stunned.  “Half an hour ago?!  But I couldn’t’ve spent more than ten minutes on this!”

“I promise you, it was half an hour.”

“Why didn’t you call me??  Why didn’t you say my name?”

“We did.  Several times.”

To this day, I will swear myself blind that I never heard a thing.

Hyperfocusing.  They’ll tell you about the problems focusing; oh yes.  They’ll tell you allll about that one.  But they won’t tell you about the flip side of it.  They won’t tell you about the times when the rest of the world falls away, and the only two things in the world are you and whatever problem you’re trying to solve.  

D’y’know what, I bet that’s the reason I test well.  I just realized this now, phrasing it like that, but--I’ve always tested well, even when my actual practical applications of things are mediocre I do well with the classroom testing on it.  I scored a 39 on the MCAT, back when it was out of 45 and not whatever it is now.  (To those with the plain good sense not to want to be doctors:  that’s pretty good.)  And I just bet it’s because, once I get focused on solving the problems, the other problems--nerves, intrusive thoughts, anxiety--just don’t have room to get in.  Hyperfocusing can be a superpower, if you can harness it.  

But it can also blind you to everything else.  And it works in smaller ways, too:  once I think I understand something, it is very difficult for me to perceive information that contradicts that understanding.  I still get the map of the Elflands backwards every time I read The Goblin Emperor, just because I pictured it one way, and every indication in the text that it was the other way just fell on deaf ears.  

And this one leads right into the next, which is Rejection Sensitivity Disorder.  RSD is hyperfocus, but it’s hyperfocus on how everyone must hate you.  It’s delightful!  I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, as well, and I do have both of those things, but for my money, I think that this one symptom of ADHD--which no doctor has ever even mentioned to me--has hurt me more than both of those conditions combined.  

The last one I’m going to bring up is Auditory Processing Disorder.  Now, I’ve gone and gotten re-diagnosed twice in my life, and the last time was just a few years ago, so they actually used this one in the test.  The psychologist told me about it, she just didn’t use the phrase Auditory Processing Disorder, and she didn’t tell me that it was its own symptom--she just used it for the test.  

What she did was, she gave me two hearing tests, one to test whether or not I could hear, and then the other a list of words that all sounded alike, and I had to mark which one I was hearing.  The second part of that was very long, and very boring, and despite scoring perfectly on the first test, I got several wrong on the second.  I was actually surprised by that; I at no point suspected I had heard any of them wrong.  When she gave me the test, told me this was proof by contradiction, that we were ruling out hearing loss as an alternative explanation for my difficulties.  It was only after the test was done that she explained that the pattern I showed was actually part of the diagnosis of ADHD; that we get bored, and stop really paying attention, and that we don’t even know we’re doing it.

...Okay, but you couldn’t have mentioned the part where I also do that every day in real life, lady?!?!  It’s not just when we’re bored, it’s not just for long processes.  I do this all the time.  I actually tell people now that “I actually have a neurological condition that makes it hard for me to hear; I can tell that you’re speaking, but I can’t tell what you’re saying.”  

This is 100% true.  It is a neurological condition.  

We label this a condition, but as a society, we don’t treat it that way.  Society treats it as yet another excuse.  It’s not.  You’re not lazy, stupid or crazy.  Neither am I.  

I have a condition.  Acknowledging that is the first step of treatment.  Not five thousand sticky notes, not binders or filing systems or even taking all the doors off the cupboards (although I definitely plan to do that one as soon as I possibly can).  Not counselling sessions with so many different people I can’t even name them all, for the love of god please understand that you can’t just fix it with pills.  

(Although mad props to the people who thought Concerta would magically solve me at the age of nine!  Spoiler alert:  it did not do that!  But it did mean that my parents felt comfortable blaming me for all my failures again, so it did at least some of what it was designed for, I guess. :) )   

I have spent the last few years re-understanding my ADHD it as is:  a neurological condition, a disability, and a simple fact of life.  A starting place, instead of yet more proof of my own inherent insufficiency.  And you know what?  When you take the blame and self-hatred out of the diagnosis--when you stop cursing it as the cause of all your problems and start trying to work with it, instead--it gets a lot easier to manage. 

[electric-indigo]

trauma integration and processing is such a weird thing bc you are constantly re-meeting different levels of yourself and seeing things from perspectives that aren’t necessarily yours. getting to a point where you’re able to a) remember and b) conceptualise or consider an event(s) from the perpetrators (or ‘other’s’) point of view is terrifying and really strange because a situation you once only felt or knew in body (individual) you can now comprehend by mind (e.g. allows u to properly and rationally consider the perspective of xyz person) and you realise there are more angles to a situation than the one you personally lived through. There is SUCH a long period of time after single or repeated exposure to traumatic events in which ur brain is almost anesthetised that the ‘coming round’ part - despite being the golden healing mechanism we’re told to work towards- is actually really disconcerting and uncomfortable. It’s almost better to be oblivious and comfortable in suppression (and so still traumatised) than to actually be honest and awake about things that happened. Being able to look at dangerous / painful situations in a rational way with a healing / non-traumatised brain is interesting and necessary but it also makes you extremely self-aware to the point of constantly being critical towards how your struggles have affected other people? I'm aware that I've spent most of my life being actually quite unwell without realising it (and I don’t guilt myself bc I had no choice in the matter) but because I’ve come soo far and changed so much I'm also now highly conscious of having been a vacuum. I don't like to think that I've spent a lot of my life projecting or not communicating needs and issues properly & so there are possibly people who need to heal from knowing me:( Struggling so much rn with not having the option to explain myself. idk where to put it.

[hirakdesherrani]

I was going through your blog, and you seem to criticize Shivaay a lot. But you don't seem to criticize Om as much who is no good either. I know Om started out good but after his character was butchered, there is no difference. At least Shivaay has shown a great character progression, and as of now he is the better man and husband. Not to attack you, 'cos I know everyone has their favs, but Omkara has flaws too.

Okay, so this ask has been licking dust in my inbox for weeks now. At the cost of seeming rude, I didn’t answer it ‘cos I just didn’t know what to reply, and tbh, didn’t feel like replying either.

Anyways, I’ll try now.

First things first anon, this is the first time someone has implied that Omkara is a fav of mine, which is farthest from the truth. Most of the times, I’m accused of hating on him ‘cos I’m blind Gauri stan, who’s white-knighting on her behalf (or so ppl believe). Secondly, LMAO anon, if only you had bothered to go back to posts I made last year, you would’ve seen how much I’ve criticized Om, much more than Shivaay, believe me.

Coming to your statements, lets see.

(Disclaimer: I’m in no way comparing abuse and saying who’s the worst among the two. Both are pathetic and don’t deserve the blessed presence of ‘any’ female in their lives, AniRi toh bahut dur ki baat hai.)

For the Shivaay v/s Omkara thing you mentioned:

As a husband, Shivaay >>>> Omkara. No explanations needed. (Post-their resolution of conflicts)

As a man, Omkara >>>> Shivaay, for the simple reason, that when Gauri told Omkara to GTFO, he accepted her decision and left. Unlike Shivaay, who took it upon himself to decide Gauri’s fate, because he thinks that he knows what’s better for Gauri than Gauri herself, which is damn patronizing. That Gauri chose to forgive Om is her prerogative, Shivaay orchestrating the kidnap was wrong. What if Gauri did not want to return to the Oberoi hellhole, then? Would he have kept her in the Oberoi mansion against her will, just to make his brother happy? I found the whole thing hard to digest, it was funny no doubt, but the underlying message was problematic.

As for character progression, well of course Shivaay has shown greater progression, because in the beginning of the show he’s a damn sociopath. Shivaay starts out as this Lucius Malfoy kinda character, who has rules about blood and lineage, who is proud about his ‘Naam, khoonn, khaandaan’ (just like pureblood nonsense) and calls Annika “road trash” (‘Mudbloods’?). Shivaay starts out from the very bottom, so obviously his growth will be greater. Omkara has his flaws, but as a character he was always better than Shivaay. Even in DBO when he was at the very worst of his graph, he still intervened to save a girl’s life, who he judged and hated, because that was the right thing to do. 

Both Shivaay and Omkara were put in the same situation re: Tia and Gauri. Both of them suspected that Tia and Gauri are lying about the pregnancy, and both had just cause to suspect. However, Shivaay never took any interest in Tia’s pregnancy, which made sense, because Tia was trapping him and he knew the child wasn’t his. It was Annika, in fact, who saved Tia from a miscarriage and actually cared for the baby indirectly, when she had all the reason to hate Tia and the child, because Annika is a kind soul.

Compare this to Omkara, who though acted as the judge, jury and executioner and decided that Gauri was not fit to mother that child (asshole!), but still actively cared for the unborn child who he suspected was not his own. We, as an audience, knew that Shivaay is right in his place, and Omkara is wrong in accusing Gauri. But as characters both Shivaay and Omkara were at the same situation, that is, they were unaware of what the other party had in mind.

Another reason why Shivaay’s character progression or redemption, has better sketched out, is because he is acutely aware of all the wrongs he perpetrated against Annika. Each and every instance, from suspecting Annika of selling the video to the media to the Daksh fiasco, every single misunderstanding has been cleared. But Omkara is not even aware of all the wrongs he committed against Gauri. Till date Omkara does not know the whole truth about Kali Thakur. He still only has a vague idea that he misjudged Gauri, that maybe she was forced into the wedding. The fact that Gauri was kept in chains, she was about to be married to three grooms, they were planning to make her their common sex slave for life, all this is still unknown to him. Even the buamaa truth, that Gauri was not lying when Kali captured Buamaa or even the fact that Gauri was not attempting to drown Buamaa in the swimming pool (for which he called the cops); all this is STILL unknown to him. How can he make reparations for everything he did in DBO, when he doesn’t even know the extent of all his sins in DBO?

And again, at the cost of repeating myself, even at his worst, Omkara did not derive any diabolic pleasure in ruining Gauri’s life. Unlike Shivaay, who put Annika in jail just because she refused to apologize for his arrogance. Annika would still be rotting in prison, if Dadi hadn’t bailed her out and Omkara hadn’t knocked some sense into Shivaay. Shivaay repeatedly fucked with Annika’s life and tried to make her miserable only for his ego. Annika was always at Shivaay’s mercy because Shivaay always used his power to abuse Annika.Contrast this to Omkara, Gauri was never at his mercy. Gauri was held hostage by the situation and had to return to the Oberoi mansion to save his dumb ass, but she was never at Omkara’s mercy. He did not make it a hobby to make her life difficult because that gives him sadistic pleasure. Omkara just wanted to get rid of Gauri and throw her out of his life. Which still makes him an asshole, but in all ways better than Shivaay. It’s just that Shivaay appears better than Omkara during DBO and after, because Shivaay was at the highest point in his character arc that time, while Omkara was at the lowest.

Coming to the last thing you mentioned about character flaws in Omkara. Sure, Omkara has a LOT of character flaws, you’re absolutely right there, anon. And those flaws are there even in IB 2016, its just that the audience puts him on a pedestal without analyzing his character properly, which is why the fall in DBO seems much more evident.

His biggest flaw is that he is STUPID. Like all the other problems and minor flaws emerge because of his sheer stupidity. Okay, that came out wrong. Omkara in the beginning of IB, is a Kalidas kind of character, who cuts the branch on which he is sitting. Unfortunately, stupidity is not seen as a character flaw, so most of the audience let it go. No wonder Om gets conned all the time, by Roop bua, Ishaana, Riddhima, Ranveer, etc. 

Because he is stupid, Omkara cannot understand the nuances of human beings. All his associated flaws, be it seeing things in black and white, or truth and lies, is because he cannot see the ‘grey’ or the ‘in-between’. To see and understand the grey, one needs brains and that Omkara does not possess.

Another thing is that most of the fandom thought that Om is more gender-equal than his brothers. But he has always been pretty misogynist from the beginning. 

Omkara put women in boxes. One was the good but victimized women (Box A): Jahnvi, Annika, even Pinky to an extent, who tolerated a lot of BS from their partners. And the other were women like Riddhima, Ishaana, Tia, who lied or used men for their own benefits (Box B). Of course, the worst was Svetty who was the ‘home breaker’ in his eyes. The first time he was confronted with this issue he chose to break up with Riddhima and Shivaay had to intervene and explain him that people are not good or bad, there is also the grey. The funny thing is that Om, who judged women harshly, never held Shivaay to the same standards. If he judged Shivaay in the same way, then he would have to put him in the category of bad people, which he refused to do. Hypocrisy much?

The second time when Omkara faces a similar choice, is when Mallika ran away from her wedding. Omkara categorically says that what Mallika did was wrong, even though he understands what compelled her. Again in that situation its Annika who makes Shivaay see sense, because Annika is an empathetic person. 

The thing is, whenever Om clashes with a ‘bad’ woman a/c to his judgments, he reacts badly. He was about to hit/get violent with both Ishana and Riddhima when he came to know of their betrayal. In both the cases, his brothers intervened and stopped him. Similarly he manhandles Svetty, after the whole engagement fiasco. 

The audience never held him accountable that time, because these women were wrong/used him. But the point is that even if these women were wrong, Omkara was also wrong in misbehaving with them. Manhandling or threatening assault to any woman is never right. 

This flaw comes in sharp focus only when Omkara meets Gauri, because unlike the other women before her Gauri is blameless. 

You mentioned the butchering anon. I know we all talk about how Omkara did a 360 degree in personality in DBO, even I say that. But in all honesty, he wasn’t butchered in DBO. His dark side which was suppressed in IB, came out in DBO. Like I explained before, Omkara was always violent with women who fell in category B. That coupled with his stupidity, which is why everyone cons him, spelled disaster for his equation with Gauri. 

If I have to be critical, Omkara was butchered badly only four times in the show (IB+DBO). When he throws money at Gauri’s face and crashes his car into her shop, when he leaves her to die at Kali Thakur’s hands after Chulbul reveal (which undid the very fact that he saved her from the villagers in similar situations the first time), when he shows complete lack of regret/guilt after Gauri leaves him post-inspiration argument and when he was drinking hot chocolate and going off to sleep after returning from Bareilly (instead of properly angstying and expressing regret in solitude) 

Coming back to the misogynist flaw, Omkara by the end of DBO did not know in which box to put Gauri in: due to all the lies and what he saw in Bareilly, he wanted to put her in Box B, but Gauri also put her life at stake multiple times to save his ass which confused him. On top of that, Gauri is not like Jahnvi or Annika who will stay with him despite all the shit he pulled. Gauri leaves immediately after the inspiration fuck up, which puzzled Omkara because Jahnvi never left despite the shit Tej did or Annika did not leave despite how Shivaay continued to insult her after their forced wedding. Annika in fact asked Omkara and Rudy to forgive Shivaay for the forced wedding BS that he did. [One reason why Omkara and Rudy misbehaved with Gauri, Soumya and Bhavya was because they internalized Shivaay’s behavior, ‘cos they saw that Annika forgave him despite everything, so they never expected these girls to dump their ass.]

I know a lot of people felt Omkara was OOC in many scenes in DBO. But actually on second thoughts he was like that in IB too, its just that in Ishana’s or Riddhima’s cases it was a one-off incident, but Gauri was forced to continue living in his presence to save him from Svetty and Buamaa, which made Om even more suspicious and thus, even more violent/verbally abusive. 

Baar haal, when you say character progression, sure Shivaay has progressed a lot from where he began. Omkara by comparison, had character flaws which he overcame post-break up with Gauri, when he realizes how wrong his stereotyping has been all this while, and how messed up his ideologies are. He learnt his lesson, and tried to implement that too, when he himself resorted to lies (as Dilpreet) to win back Gauri’s forgiveness. Character progression is more marked in Shivaay’s case because he started as a villain and went on to become a decent human being, whereas Omkara was in general a decent guy, with faulty judgments and anger management issues, which he sorta overcame. Of course, his stupidity cannot be cured. If one is stupid, then when is stupid, iska koi iilaaj nahi hai. Which is why he has a smart brother and wife to take care of him. 

I know you were not ‘attacking’ me for my choices, anon, but I thought to make it clear anyways. And hopefully, after this longass reply, nobody sends me an ask about the Obros, because writing about them just shoots my blood pressure.

[pions]

This turned into more of a "tips I've learned that I'm sharing" list, because a lot of what makes me happy about myself is constantly learning new things and applying them to my life. So here are some positive things about me with commentary. Requested by @probablypartalien

I've been stressing over who to tag because I don't want to make anyone feel weird, but if you're a follower of mine and you want to do this when please do, and tag me in it. :)

Anyway, here's the content --------------

1. I'm super happy about how much my communication skills have grown in the last few years. I was a pretty stunted kid as far as "talking normally to others" went, and I had a lot of anxiety about saying weird things that would get me teased, so I often wouldn't know what to say at all. I'm still pretty awkward but I don't seem as anxious about it anymore so I think it helps. one-on-one's have been a lot better ever since building my arsenal of "script" phrases too. I can make appointments, and order food without having to worry so much because i better know what to expect now. So that's cool

2. I saw an disordered eating post today and that reminds me that I'm way better about my eating habits than I used to be. For almost all of my childhood I was surrounded by adults who did name brand diets, and encouraged weird eating to trick the body into losing weight. At no point was there a balanced diet and exercise plan, and when I wanted to lose weight as a kid my mom told me to stop eating carbs. (I was 13! And I did and got super small but it's also caused me many body battles and fluctuations and dizzy spells and overall it's bad kids don't diet like that)

But anyway, ever since becoming an adult I've had a lot of success with not starving myself, and applying other good tips for keeping my body machine running smoothly. There's still a lot to unpack, but it's definitely better :) many thanks to that nutritionist I saw a few times lol. I'll share a few of the takeaways

- only put on your plate what you're going to eat

- put enough on your plate, don't go back for seconds. feel free to add a cookie or snack or anything you want to eat that makes you happy, just make sure to only take what you can eat

- Your diet shouldn't feel restricting or make you feel like you're missing out! It's all about moderation of food intake

- Don't eat in front of distractions. Find a table and make it an event of its own. That way you'll better focus on the way your body feels when you get full. You don't have to eat once you're full, but it takes about 10 minutes before you can even tell that you are

- your body will adjust itself based on food intake, and it knows how to best regulate itself so don't worry if your food plan doesn't make you look like someone else on the same plan, because your body is always doing what's best for itself, and trust that if your diet is healthy that your body is doing its best too, even if your not seeing "results"

3.) learning to throw away my pedestal for the raw intelligence mentality was one of the best things I've ever done. Probably most of us here can relate to being one of the smart kids, and I specifically was one of those kids singled out at an early age and placed in a 'gifted program' (and jeez did that do nothing for me but isolate me socially, and set an impossibly high standard was what was clearly my "God-Given genius") I've seen the same pattern from every single gifted kid I know. They have a hard time working for things because if they're not already good at it then they must've been faking this 'gift' the whole time

Honestly I'm here for saying FUCK intelligence/genius/IQ culture altogether. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that just because you're bad at something, and ESPECIALLY if you're slow to pick things up, doesn't have any say on your worth as an academic. The human brain is so so powerful, and it's better and faster when it's trained to know how to do the thing! Even problem solving is a SKILL! All skills take practice, even if it's quick mental math, even if it's pattern recognition, even if it's reading-comprehension. We need to stop writing ourselves off as 'less than' just because someone is already better at it, or they picked up on it easier. We're all on different paths and levels and it's okay to know just to do you on your own time. You're capable, and I know I am.

Definitely happy that I've taken that one to heart. It helps all the time

4) Speaking of cultivating skills, I have a few I'm pretty damn proud of.

One: I'm really really good at problem solving. I spend so much of my waking time thinking about problems, and I'm told by a lot of my friends that I come up with efficient and creative solutions, and I really value that.

Two: You bet your ass I'm the best researcher around. I know so so many things specific to my interests. If you ever want to know or need help with computer programming, astronomy, or physics I'm pretty much your guy. I love to know things deeply so that I can re-explain them in a simple way. It's one of my favorite things to do, chewing up impossibly large topics

Three: this is a good one: I'm way better at asking questions now. Might sound weird, but I used to be really bad at asking questions because I had a hard time understanding why they didn't immediately have my answer. I considering myself a dummy level of meticulous, so if I'm asking a question you best bet that I've crafted it to sound like it makes the most sense in my head, but what would you know? Other people aren't me, and so I would repeat the same wording over and over and they would drive me crazy with the wrong responses. A good step is to let the person answering the question know what you already have in mind. It keeps them from repeating concepts your already have, and instead of them guessing whats wrong, they can start nit-picking or confirming your thoughts. It was so hard for me to understand that others are not in my head when I'm asking these things, but keep in mind that they're often on another planet and it requires some grounding before you can make progress. Saves so much time and frustration if the questioning process is dynamic

5. I'm the autistic nb your parents warned you about, and I think that's pretty sexy of me. I shan't explain