#I don't know what to tell you guys other than that it's a deliberate abuse tactic to acquire more power over their victim on Purpose

[blimbo-buddy]

Normally I won't block people over certain takes but goddamn dude it's on sight the moment I see someone claim that TigerHeart or PineStar "groomed" their mates, quick way for me to tell that you don't understand the meaning and weight behind that word

[kaijutegu]

Alligator Body Language and You, or: How To Know When An Alligator On Social Media is Being Stressed for Views

Alligators are wild animals. Despite the idiotic claims of animal abusers like Jay Brewer, they cannot be domesticated, which means they are always going to react on the same natural instincts they've had for millions of years. Habituated, yes. Tamed, yes. Trained, definitely. Crocodilians can form bonds with people- they're social and quite intelligent. They can solve problems, use tools, and they're actually quite playful. Alligators are also really good at communicating how they're feeling, but to somebody who doesn't spend much time around them, their body language can be a bit mystifying. And it doesn't help when social media influencers are saying shit like this:

That is not what a happy gator looks like.

That's a terrified, furious gator who isn't attacking because the ogre handling her has her in a chokehold. She's doing everything she can to express her displeasure, and he's lying about it because he knows his audience doesn't even know how to think critically about what he's doing. He knows that because his audience doesn't know anything about these animals, he can get away with it. This I think is why I hate him so much- he deliberately miseducates his audience. He knows what he's doing is factually inaccurate, he just doesn't care because attention means more to him than anything else in the world.

Let's change that! Here are two really important lessons for understanding alligator body language on social media.

Lesson 1: Alligators Don't Smile (in fact, most animals don't)

So what's going on in this video? Jay Brewer is aggressively choking his white alligator Coconut while scrubbing algae off of her with a toothbrush. And make no mistake, he is digging into the creature's throat while she is visibly distressed. He claims she's happy- but she's not. He is willfully misrepresenting what this animal is feeling. That's a problem, because people... well, we actually kind of suck at reading other species' body language. The reason for this is that we tend to overlay our own responses on their physical cues, and that's a problem. For example, let's look at an animal with a really similar face to ours, the chimpanzee. Check out Ama's toothy grin!

Wait, no. That's not a happy smile. That's a threat display. When a chimpanzee "smiles," it's either terrified and doing a fear grimace, or it's showing you its teeth because it intends on using them in your face.

How about a dog? Look at my smiling, happy puppy!

Oh wait no, this is a picture of Ryder when he was super overwhelmed by noise and people during a holiday party. He'd hopped up in my sister's lap to get away from stuff that was happening on the floor and was panting quite heavily. See the tension in the corners of his mouth and his eyes? A lot of the time when a dog "smiles," the smile isn't happy. It's stress! Why Animals Do The Thing has a nice writeup about that, but the point is, our body language is not the same as other species. And for reptiles, body language is wildly different.

For instance, look at these two alligators. Pretty cute, right? Look at 'em, they're posing for a Christmas card or something! How do you think they're feeling?

Well, I'll tell you how the normal one is feeling. He's annoyed! Why is he annoyed? Because the albino just rolled up, pushed another gator off the platform, and is trying to push this guy, too. I know this because I actually saw it happen. It was pretty funny, not gonna lie. He's not gaping all the way, but he was hissing- you can actually see him getting annoyed in the sequence I took right before this shot. Look at him in this first shot here- he's just relaxing, and you can see he isn't gaping even a little bit.

By the end, he's expressing displeasure, but not enough to actually do anything about it. He's annoyed, but he's comfy and that's where one of the best basking areas is, so he'll put up with it.

Reptiles open their mouths wide for a lot of reasons, but never because they are actively enjoying a sensation. Unless they're eating. No reptile smiles- they can't. They don't even have moveable lips. If a reptile is gaping, it's doing so because:

It is doing a threat display.

It is making certain vocalizations, all of which are threats. Alligators are one of the rare reptiles that do regularly vocalize, but most of their calls aren't made with a wide open mouth.

It is about to bite something delicious or somebody stupid. Check out this video- virtually all of the gaping here is anticipatory because these trained gators know darn well that the bowl is full of delicious snacks. (I have some issues with Florida's Wildest, but the man knows how to train a gator AND he is honest about explaining what they're doing and why, and all of his animals are healthy and well-cared for, and he doesn't put the public or his staff at risk- just himself.)

It's too hot and it has opened its mouth to vent some of that heat and thermoregulate. This is the main reason why alligators will often have their mouths part of the way open, but sometimes they'll open all the way for thermoregulation. This is what a thermoregulatory gape looks like- usually it's not all the way open, kinda more like < rather than V, but you can't say that 100% of the time. Additionally, a thermoregulatory gape... typically happens when it's hot out. If they're inside, maybe they've been under their basking light for too long. Heat's the dominant factor, is what I'm getting at.

There is another reason that a captive crocodilian might be gaping, and that's because it's doing so on command. Some places have their gators trained to gape on cue, like St. Augustine Alligator Farm and other good zoos. They have the animals do this in presentations that are genuinely educational. They ask the animals to open their mouths so that they can show off their teeth and demonstrate how their tongues seal off the back of their mouth. They'll also do it as part of routine healthcare, because looking at their teeth is important.

In this case, the animals aren't gaping because they're stressed, they're gaping because they know they're gonna get a piece of chicken or fish if they do it. And what's more, they're doing it on cue. They have a specific command or signal that tells them to open wide. It's not an instinctive response to a situation. It's trained. If the animal provides the behavior after a cue, the situation is much less likely to be negatively impactful.

It's also important to remember that there's a difference between a partially open mouth and a gape! As discussed above, alligators will often have their mouths a little bit open just to maintain temperature homeostasis. It helps them stay comfy, temperature-wise. These guys are all doing thermoregulatory open-mouthed behavior- that slight open and relaxed body posture is a dead giveaway. (That and it's the hottest spot in the enclosure.)

Lesson 2: A Happy Gator Is A Chill Gator

So if alligators don't smile or have facial expressions other than the :V that typically signifies distress, how else can you tell how they're feeling? One way is stillness. See, alligators subscribe to the philosophy of if it sucks... hit da bricks.

Basically, if they hate it, they'll leave. Unless, y'know, somebody has their meaty claws digging into their throat or is otherwise restraining them. (Restraint isn't always bad, btw. Sometimes the animal is going through a medical thing or needs to be restrained for their safety- which a responsible educator will explain.)

Let's look at a very similar scenario, in which a captive alligator is getting his back scrubbed.

As you can see, it's quite different. First, he's not being restrained at all. Second, look at how relaxed he is! He's just chilling there vibing! He could simply get up and leave if he wanted to, because he's not being held. Towards the end of the video, as he lifts his head, you can see that his respiratory rate is very even as his throat flutters a bit. I'm not sure what this facility is, so I can't comment on care/general ethics, but like. In this specific case, this is an alligator enjoying being scrubbed! And you can tell because he's not doing anything. A happy gator is content to be doing what they're doing.

Why Should I Listen To You?

Now, you should ask yourself, why should you listen to me? Why should you trust me, who does not own an alligator, versus Jay Brewer, who owns several?

Well, first off, there's no profit for me in telling you that what you're seeing on social media is in fact not what you're being told you're seeing. I'm not getting paid to do this. That's the thing with people who make social media content. The big names aren't doing it just for fun. They're doing it for money. Whether that's profit through partnerships or sponsorships, or getting more people to visit their facilities, or ad revenue, you can't ignore the factor of money. And this is NOT a bad thing, because it allows educators to do what they're passionate about! People deserve to be paid for the work that they do!

But the problem starts when you chase the algorithm instead of actually educating. A "smiling" alligator gets the views, and if people don't know enough to know better, it keeps getting the views. People love unconventional animal stories and they want those animals to be happy- but the inability to even know where to start with critically evaluating these posts really hinders the ability to spread real information. Like, this post will probably get a couple hundred notes, but that video of Coconut being scrubbed had almost 400,000 likes when I took that screenshot. Think about how many eyeballs that's reached by now. What I'm saying here is that it's just... really important to think critically about who you're getting your information from. What do dissenters say in the comments? What do other professionals say? You won't find a single herpetologist that has anything good to say about Prehistoric Pets, I can tell you that right now.

Another reason you can trust me is that my sources are not "just trust me bro," or "years of experience pretending my pet shop where animals come to die is a real zoo." Instead, here are my primary sources for my information on alligator behavior:

Dragon Songs: Love and Adventure among Crocodiles, Alligators, and Other Dinosaur Relations- Vladimir Dinets

The Secret Social Lives of Reptiles- J. Sean Doody, Vladimir Dinets, Gordon M. Burghardt

Social Behavior Deficiencies in Captive American Alligators (Alligator mississippiensis)- Z Walsh, H Olson, M Clendening, A Rycyk

Social Displays of the American Alligator (Alligator mississippiensis)- Kent Vliet

Social Signals and Behaviors of Adult Alligators and Crocodiles- Leslie Garrick, Jeffery Lang

Never smile at a crocodile: Gaping behaviour in the Nile crocodile at Ndumo Game Reserve, South Africa- Cormac Price, Mohamed Ezat, Céline Hanzen, Colleen Downs (this one's Nile crocs, not American alligators, but it's really useful for modeling an understanding of gape behaviors and proximity)

Thermoregulatory Behavior of Captive American Alligators (Alligator mississippiensis)- Cheryl S. Asa, Gary D. London, Ronald R. Goellner, Norman Haskell, Glenn Roberts, Crispen Wilson

Unprovoked Mouth Gaping Behavior in Extant Crocodylia- Noah J. Carl, Heather A. Stewart, Jenny S. Paul

Thank you for reading! Here's a very happy wild alligator from Sanibel for your trouble.

[sixstepsaway]

so here's the thing

i've seen a bunch of people say on twitter and stuff how... ed's behavior is very abusive and his anger is dangerous and he isn't romantic lead material because of it

and i get where they're coming from

but to me the main issue isn't putting ed in the position of a romantic lead, but not crafting the narrative around his characterization so that it allows for a spicy romantic pirates-in-love narrative instead of...whatever this is.

i'm going to try and explain this. idk if i'll do well but i'll try

the way she show presents stede is as an innocent baby who isn't really equipped for pirate life. he goes into a fugue/disassociative state whenever there's any real violence, apparently, and needs protecting by other characters when things get too rough - for example when ed is telling ned lowe not to take the poker to stede.

that's fine! it's honestly adorable to see a masc character being so soft around the edges and being protected by other characters this way.

(i'm not going to touch on stede's... eh... not great characterization this season rn)

then there's izzy, who is shown as a bit violent, a bit rough around the edges. he's more likely to draw a sword or throw a punch or hit someone with a chair or take a punch like a champ. violence is just part of life for him and that's okay, it just Is, from small things like smacking stede on the ass to bigger things like being wall slammed, it's not all that big or bad for violence to happen around and with him, he tends to give as good as he gets (there's some nuance here but i'm talking the macro themes not the micro of what izzy does vs is done to him)

and finally there's ed

ed is presented as violent (stabbing knives at guys, telling fang to use the snail fork etc) and used to a life of violence, and then in season 2 he's presented as really violent, his anger coming out in dangerous and terrifying ways

and frankly, i'd be super into it if he and izzy were the main ship and that twisted dynamic from the first two episodes of s2 was explored and fleshed out into something deeper

friends to enemies to lovers who fight and fuck. angry pirates who lay hands on each other, who break the whole ship with each other in the heat of passion.

except instead, s2 gives us... abuse. it gives us izzy cringing and lowering his head and trying to protect the kids crew from ed's angry outbursts.

so when stede comes back and he's still soft around the edges and ed headbutts him and it's deliberate, it's... not a great look, and the vibes are a bit skewed

if stede fought back, if when ed struck out at him he struck back, if they fought rather than it being one-sided, if it was friends to enemies to lovers and not presented as healthy, but maybe they can work their way there, who knows, maybe even more like anne bonnie and mary read because hey, they were doing something very similar?

except they were both into it. they were both enjoying the fighting and the fucking and the burning down the house.

stede's not enjoying it.

i cannot describe how much i hate this sequence just because of the way stede flinches

anne and mary don't!! mary jumps at the unexpected bang but she doesnt flinch, she doesn't cover her face like she thinks the vase will be coming for her not the wall and anne? looks so into it

and the thing is that in real life, no, you don't want to date someone who throws shit around, or headbutts you

but in fiction when it's two fucked up people doing this shit together like anne and mary?

that can be fun.

but instead what we've been given is stede flinching and apologizing to ed and then all of ed's...what, semi-redemption???? is done away from the other collection of people he abused, and then he spends some time on a fishing boat wearing a dog collar and everything is fine because he's good now and won't be doing anything bad ever again

and it's just... poor writing. the vibes are rancid.

i spent a really big chunk of time between s1 and s2 defending ed. i kept saying how what he did to izzy by making him eat his toe wasn't abuse, it was a one-off and abuse isn't a one-off thing it's a pattern, and then s2 made it a pattern.

explicitly. explicitly a pattern.

not just one toe but three.

jim saying "you're in an unhealthy relationship with blackbeard"

and all ed offered izzy was a "sorry about your leg" which might've been fine if izzy survived and they could work on this more, but instead that's all the apology and closure izzy will ever get

ed threw a chair and a vase and made stede flinch in fear and stede was right to do that. what part of any of this implies this will never happen again? that stede won't press the wrong button at some point and be on the receiving end? none of it

and if we'd been presented with a s2 stede bonnet who could handle himself and stand up for himself and fight back, then maybe i could imagine that turning into a weird sexy fucked up anne/mary like thing and maybe that could be why they put that episode in, but instead it feels like that episode was going, "look, see, ed's violence is fine because these two are fine with it with each other"

but stede isn't

ed and izzy or ed and stede in an unhealthy battle of a relationship could be such a fun, interesting and downright sexy thing to watch unfold on tv, and could honestly end somewhere far more down the chill end of the spectrum, but that's not what we've been given here

i cannot argue that ed isn't an abuser anymore, and not just of izzy but of the whole crew. he terrified frenchie.

it's not good writing to try and lean into the idea that ed and the pirates are violent and live a life of violence, so it's okay that ed's been violent, while simultaneously presenting his violence as traumatic and abusive, and then less than three episodes later saying oh it's fine now, he's just a little meow meow who can do no wrong, see?

especially considering they had him murdering people at the end of the season. and sure, you can say the english are just cannon fodder and they dont 'count', but they did before. ed explicitly did not kill before, and that included the english, or the spanish, or anyone else. so either they count or they don't, but flipping him on a dime makes no sense.

ALSO

having ed be the son of an abusive man who threw plates at his mother and made her cringe and then having ed kill his father to protect his mother and then a season later having ed become the kind of man who throws chairs and vases and makes his love interest cringe is, again, not bloody optimal

i want to say again i dont CARE about tv always presenting healthy relationships or tv always giving us aspirational goals. i want messy fucked up dynamics and terrible people making terrible choices, and still, to this day, i fucking love ed teach. i would honestly love to have seen them continue with ed's darkness and bring stede into it and see where they went with that, to have stede kill ned lowe and not just bury his feelings in ed but get off on it, enjoy the violence, and see where that led, but no

and so instead all we end up with is a protagonist who is being set up for a lifetime of abuse from an intimate partner, and a romantic lead who abuses his love interests (and yes. izzy is a love interest, he is set up like one and positioned like one and treated like one), frightens his love interests with his violence, is erratic and most of all inconsistently written. he was so sorry about scaring fang as though he hadn't been deliberately terrifying the whole crew for fuck knows how long? what?!

the whole fandom has spent so long saying, "no no, i know stede bonnet irl was a slave owner, but ofmd is using the names and not any real piracy, it's more disney piracy, you know? so that kind of stuff doesnt exist!" and then they flipped around and went "blackbeard is blackbeard and so he is evil and does all these horrible things" and i dont know how to rationalize the two sides of that because it feels so out of place

i'm getting rambly, this isnt a particularly well constructed thought process, i just feel like we were robbed both of a toxic, violent relationship that could be fun to see explored on tv and a soft and sweet love story between two middle aged men exploring their first loves in one fell swoop and there's no way for s3 to bring either of those things back because they got utterly torpedoed by making ed a horrible person

ugh

[antimony-medusa]

"There's just something about that guy that means I don't trust him"

Okay so, Phil has got the wrong read of Sunny. I'm gonna start off with that. He thinks they're a confident unconcerned material girl who is comfortable in the fact that their dad loves them, and potentially he thinks that they're a bit older than they are? Whereas people who have been able to see her one-on-one with Tubbo know that she's quite a bit more shy and insecure and young than she puts on! He's been taken in by the facade they're putting on, and I think that's part of why he is making jokes and comments that don't hit well. To understate how yesterday went. I think he botched the interaction with Sunny in the musuem and I hope someone tells him that, so he can apologize and fix that. And to be clear, as a phil viewer, this does interesting character work with Sunny as a sensitive child and I'm in favour of Sunnymin pursuing this line of lore. I'm staring with my little cube guy watching googles looking for the result when Phil realizes he scared a child, with great interest.

Because when you look at the musum one in context, my read is that was phil pivoting badly from an out of lore discussion into "oh hey I can explain something to sunny, who is confident and centred and knows her dad adores her" and then jokingly tried to explain the tallulah experience, and then we know from Sunny signs later that that went over like a ton of bricks. Mistake. However, when we're discussing it, I think it's fair to not have that understanding of the lore though, and to take a more pointed, villainous read of the lore! Go for it with discussing phil as cold and brusque to people who aren't his family, discuss Sunny feeling all alone in the musuem, fill your boots.

But guys, when you're discussing this as meta, I am seeing a lot of tags that are really really eager to paint Phil entirely and unequivocally as a villain and specifically cruel to children and cruel within the family, and there's an element to that that concerns me.

Phil, the cc, the guy, acts working class. He has an accent from a particular part of england that is traditionally working class, but he also has storytelling cadences and humour styles and attitudes towards challenges that are very familiar if you are from a working class or lower income community. I'm from an entirely different continuent, but the area I'm from is the sort of area that people make jokes about, and the whole way Phil acts as a CC is very familiar to me. (Note: even when he's talking about travel or stuff, he still has the "worked retail for a decade" mentality and pays attention to the staff and stuff and what they're doing, check out the brazil storytelling vod.)

And Phil's cubito, when he's not deliberately making a character like osmp crowfather, tends to have the mannerisms of someone who is working class. Even if you're not from a lower income area, I think most people can clock this, subconciously if nothing else. He swears a lot! He banters and roasts his friends and family but would absolutely do anything for them. He's informal in a very specific way.

Which is why when people pivot immediately into "why is he threatening and bullying children again" and "his wicked is showing", and "oh he's a evil stepfather/cruel stepmother" and "can we kill the child abusers now" I go Oh No.

Working class mannerisms are already stereotyped as especially prone to domestic abuse, among other ills. If you are going "oh something about him just always seemed like he would be cruel to children" maybe— push back on that one?

In the same way that during the election I was going "that may not be the play" about americans who didn't know what it was but something about Forever was just so angry and agressive (and they were talking from a perspective that viewed forever as a person of colour, regardless of how he's perceived at home), you might be talking from a perspective that encourages you to interpret Phil's behaviour with children as especially suspect. Potentially. Consider it.

And again, Phil biffed it in the musuem. That was a misstep that had me (autistic) going "oh no I see how you got there but you can all but see the sims negative relationship marker thing pop up". But I'd ask you at least to consider that it wasn't intentional cruelty, and that people can make social missteps before you jump immediately to interpreting their actions in the worst light possible.

[katyspersonal]

(Responding remaining asks for the ask post in a bundle)

Thank you 🥺 But hey, you only won't have more Soulsborne knowledge than me with THIS attitude!! You gotta believe in yourself! XD

_____________________

THANK YOU SO MUCH!! Also I feel like I know who you are XD

That guy, honestly.. I remember giving him some thoughts and analysis that I am still proud of even back in time before I was aware of finer details and translation errors. He felt like someone very real and full of nuances even in my "sounds like creep" era, and then first character I wrote a good analysis on! I take credit for popularising the knowledge about English localisation completely skewing him, because despite LP's document being in access for years nobody fished out THOSE details from it until me!! It took deliberate searching with the purpose of learning THE character!!!! 😎

I miss my more "unalloyed" version of Gehrman though, such a real cold dead-inside man, saved and adopted from abusive house but with the demons inside left forever, whose lack of empathy made him perfect hunter and whose sole true positive emotion in life was meeting Maria but then he took a massive L fsdhdsh I blame @fantomette22 for softening my general perception of him though by just standing there!!! You and your soft ass! GET OVER HERE-

_____________________

^ This one was sent during me typing this post! Thank you very much, this is a lot of praise.. т.т I am self-conscious about my art and feel like the only way to improve is to get a teacher, which can't be organised any time soon, but I am happy you enjoy it as it is still!

(and I am sure your personality is great as well <:3 )

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Which 'hot' takes? My takes at cooking that chicken @heraldofcrow JUST right? Well this makes sense I guess dfshhsd

fdjhshdsf okay seriously, thank you XD I am not good at dignified, intelligent way of describing my theories that sounds like telling a sad tale or a scary legend that I see some people do both in text and podcasts.. Hell, some of such posts sound like small fanfics! And I sure as hell don't want to accidentally slip into the unapproachable, humourless "let me educate you peasants" tone (it is hard to not even notice)! So the only option left for me as a wordy kind of loredigger was to unleash my inner clown!! I heard people say that adding jokes and cursed memes in the middle of sharing a theory is actually relaxing, so I am glad I am this way <:3

Also really not tryna become a "contrarian" kind of user, we do NOT have a shortage of blogs that throw a shade at the fandom trust me! But what do I do when I also have a lot to say... 🙄 Aren't we all just people who desperately try to not be Hunters until beasts come at OUR doorstep?

_____________________

This is what you see in a Petri dish you've put me in after 2 minutes:

Yes I know I used this image today already you just made it VERY hard to not do it again sdhhfsdsd Anyways, thank you!!

_____________________

Thank you! I hope you still like them!!

I'd actually say that anyone can make really unique headcanons and interpretations! My secret is actually to minimise exposure to the takes in the fandom until I've came up with my idea to offer! It helps me to jump into a metaphorical pillowfort with @val-of-the-north when a character or a question interests us and brainstorm the ideas; I do the suggestions, intuition, right questions and imagination part, whereas he does finding the most obscure gameplay consequences, finds obscure images from the furthest corners of the internet and remembers literally every detail that could help or debunk like a supercomputer! *sets the 'days since praising Val on public' counter back to 0 AGAIN fhsdhds*

THEN I hop on Tumblr and offer my idea and look what other people say (with rare exceptions about smaller things). Key word is, 'THEN'! I've met many people who were shocked when I informed them that what they assumed was canon in fact was just a popular fanon! Many people make the same mistake: they see many people doing [thing] and just assume it has to be legit then and never double check for selves! This ensures less variety of interpretations with all (designs, ships, story, portrayals and takes) which is a bit disheartening! Just remember to 1) look at the source material with clear eyes, only consulting wikis and reference videos, for example to know about questline or item you've missed 2) communicate with the fandom about a topic when you DO have your own idea already, this will me mutually enriching for both and 3) never simply take majority's word as canon! And then you will be like me! x)

You will ALSO be like me if you add Spongebob meme within a serious theory and organise dash wars with your mutuals but that's for another story fdshfhsd

[randomrings]

My wife's ex-abuser

Most of the people that this will more directly affect aren't on Tumblr. I'm mostly writing it here to bypass Bluesky's character limit and to have this information somewhere other than Bluesky.

I have kept this more or less under my hat for almost two years now for the sake of my wife, Kay. However, she has started posting about it, so I think if there were a time to add my two cents publicly, that time would be now. Kay has also condoned this.

To clarify; his screenname is iDerpasaur and he gaslit, sexually assaulted, and hacked the accounts of my wife. I don't think people in his spaces know this. I have no proof but I do have Kay's word over mine. https://medium.com/@KayIona/april-4-2024-4-46pm-22-hours-until-mrs-iona-fe3f90fbae39

Before I go on, I want to make a blanket statement to the people that know this guy. I'm simply asking you to use your best judgment. However, use that judgment with the notion that any action or inaction you may take could graciously or gravely affect my presence in your life. I'd rather not lose people but will for others' and my own safety.

iDerpasaur, aka Derp, has been banned in Randomrings spaces since early 2023. I believe victims. Before Kay and I were married, she told me about Derp hacking all of her accounts after they broke up and sending her aggressive messages in regards to them.

This was all I needed to hear. I asked, "if I banned him and he squealed to our friends about me, would this come back to bite you?" After some deliberation, she told me to use my best judgment, so I banned and blocked him. Kay deleted proof of the hacking to avoid the trauma.

"How would this come back to bite Kay?", you might ask. This larger web of people in primarily video game-related spaces get pretty tightly knit. Not to the point of parasocialism, a lot of them have just known each other a long time and grown closer. To the point of sharing mailing addresses.

I wasn't more vocal about a lot of the things wrong with this group of people that I was introduced to more directly circa 2022 for fear that Kay would have a lot more to lose than I would. I also could have had information about my identity leaked that I would like to keep private. I am in fear of that posting this tbh.

There's nobody that I am aware of willy-nilly doxxing people in "the community at large", as Kay calls it. This fear is, however, the result of a bigger domino effect of suspicious behavior left unchecked. Consider this post a check.

"Hacked her accounts?" Already touched on that. "Gaslit?" See Kay's post above for at least a surface-level glance. "Sexually assaulted?" I could make a larger statement about coercion but I've been told of several occasions where Kay's "no" was denied.

"Evidence?" If you think my wife is lying about 15 years of abuse for clout, we have nothing more to discuss. I don't see her making up being assaulted in her own bed in the middle of the night and her demeanor telling me that as nothing. This isn't a court case. No lawsuit. Just air-clearing.

I could go on a tangent about how "this is what happens when a spot to talk about video games is prioritized over people's safety and proper moderation" but I have been telling myself for the past two years that people just didn't know. Some know and they believe us. Now you know.

For those of you who only know my corner of the internet, thanks for listening. Steer clear of iDerpasaur if you see him. He shouldn't be a threat in the Randomrings side of things and hasn't been for a while. Take care of yourselves.

[something-about-sunflowers]

The thing is, though... Izzy is meant to irredeemable and unlikable. He was written with zero sympathy for him in text, he was written as an asshole who is malicious, disloyal, and cruel. He is ABUSIVE. He is emotionally manipulative, he gaslights, he makes verbal threats and physical assaults. He deliberately and strategically isolates Ed from his crew. He deliberately disobeys a direct order (an act of mutiny) against Ed when he doesn't stand down and duels Stede. He turns around and betrays Ed when he doesn't get what he wants. VIco is an abuse apologist Izzy stan just like you. And they, just like the rest of the cast, know that you disgusting cultists only care about Izzy. You don't give a shit about Ed, or Stede, or anyone else. You literally just flick your clits to Izzy being unpleasant and abusive. He has no redeeming qualities that weren't stolen from other characters or completely made up by fandom. He's not a good person. He's not a nice guy. His motives are selfish and cruel. He's lazy and he's racist. So you can like him. Because you're a piece of shit abuse apologist. And you and all the other Izzy cultists can hold your breath until you turn blue about how he's not the character he is. But he is. Izzy is not secretly the third protagonist. He's not going to turn around and save the day. He doesn't have a decent, self-sacrificing, genuinely good bone in his body. If there is a Jim/Izzy kiss, then you are hoping for the dissolution of Jim/Oluwande (I guess an ample-bodied, dark-skinned black man isn't good enough for you? But then again, all Izzy stans are ultimately shallow and stupid), and you are disgusting. You would rather Jim be with a man who is racist and cruel than a man who adores them. And you know what, you stupid cunt? Even if it does happen, it WOULDN'T automatically mean good things for Izzy. If Jim kisses him to distract him while other people escape, he's still a piece of shit abuser. But he'll be that regardless. Because he abusive. And he is the villain. There is no redeeming him. The show has made that perfectly fucking clear. He betrayed Ed. He threatened to kill Ed if Ed didn't do what he wanted. He is the thing Ed will have to overcome to truly be happy.

And you're disgusting.

Ok, first of all: Big fan! I've heard so much about you Anon! Second: this made me laugh so fucking hard. I needed a good laugh so thanks Anon! ❤

(Read-more for the sake of my followers dashes, I'm writing essays again lmfao.)

So like. You must hate Mary then too, yeah? Since she's meant to be Izzy's parallel? What do you think of David Jenkins telling us that 'Izzy is the one to watch on a re-watch'? Do you think he's worried we missed him being 'irredeemable'? See, cause I took that as 'see that there's nuance to his character and he's got pretty reasonable motivations if you pay attention' but now, well, I'm just not sure, Anon 😰.

Tell me, where is he malicious outside of, like, regular piracy business? When someone else instigates? Yeah, sounds about right, so cruel of him to not worship at a rich man's feet when said rich man acts like he's the scum of the earth before knowing a single thing about him. How malicious of him to not be buddy-buddy with people his boss has taken prisoner, who are actively antagonizing him. How disloyal of him to *checks notes* uh. Hm. Well. There's just- there's nothing here? Oh! Oh do you mean the thing he did to get to Stede? The thing that Calico Jack (hi, I also love him, does that make me extra problématique?) and Spanish Jackie helped him do? The thing he did because he believed it was in Ed's best interest, since he was acting wildly out of character and incredibly irrationally considering their dangerous profession/lifestyle? That must be on a different list, I don't have that listed under 'disloyal', strange.

Izzy can't even manipulate his own emotions lmfao. Gaslighting? Anon, you must be misremembering, gosh you're so silly. Can't keep anything straight in that head of yours can you? He lies sometimes, I'll give you that, at least by omission, but that's not gaslighting. I'm sure you'll not like this but Ed's actions with regards to Izzy are closer to gaslighting than anything Izzy does to Ed. Or the crew, which I'm assuming you're including in this since you mention 'physical assault' and Izzy's never laid a hand on Ed?

The same crew that he, as far as he was aware (because Ed was *gasp* manipulating him by withholding information), was to treat as prisoners who, upon completing their task of 'repair the ship so we can take it from you, since we're pirates' would be given 'the uzsh' treatment of execution? The crew that he doesn't lay a hand on at all afterwards? Ooh, or do you mean when he grabbed Fang's beard? When Fang was openly questioning his captain's orders? Something that, if unchecked, can lead to a mutiny?

Funny thing about 'he disobeys a direct order' is that, well, Ed doesn't give him a direct order? 'We're not doing this' does not equal 'stand down'. He also doesn't try to stop it. Like, at all. He doesn't even tell Stede to stand down. He may not have wanted it to happen but he didn't do anything to actually prevent it when he's literally the only person on the ship with the power to prevent it. 'Izzy I no longer want him dead', all he needed to say since Izzy was operating on 'Izzy I want him dead but I can't do it myself because I'm conflicted about killing and especially killing things I'm attached to'. If Izzy had ignored that, then we could talk about 'disobeying direct orders'.

Also, he's first mate, its his job to push back on questionable orders from the captain. That's not mutiny that's how you prevent a mutiny.

'When he doesn't get what he wants', being. . . What? What he thought Ed wanted because he didn't communicate otherwise? What he thought was in Ed's best interest, because he's acting irrationally and out of character (which is confirmed by Fang and Ivan, by the way)? He's wrong* about what Ed's best interests are but that doesn't change the fact that he was trying to help rather than harm.

*Arguably. Ed indulging Stede was dangerous. Even without the threat of the navy on their backs (Stede's fault), there was no coasting on Blackbeard's reputation on the Revenge. They'd have to deal with every threat instead of just the one's who'd go after Blackbeard anyway.

So, wait, is Vico one of us or nah? Cause, like, I'll gladly join a cult if Vico is there. What do you think about David Jenkins though? Since his favorite character seems to be Izzy as well? Anyway I'll grant that Stede isn't my favorite character but that hardly means I don't give a shit about him. As for Ed. I love him so much, Anon. I love him so much that I don't infantilize him for the sake of demonizing another character so that I can use that to justify sending anon hate to people with differing opinions to me. I love Ed because he's unpleasant and- *ahem* well.

Some nice misogyny there, by the way. Gonna go out on a limb and say a bit transphobic as well, since I know you're presuming we're all women, some of us are men, some of us are neither or both. Has some notes of sexual harassment too. No, I'm not kidding. You're fantasizing about a group of people, sexually, and sending them messages about it. That's like, textbook sexual harassment. Not cool Anon.

Anon. They're pirates. None of them are good people. None of them are nice guys. All of their motivations are selfish and cruel.

Ed 'loves a good maim'. He's Blackbeard. He's not Robin Hood. He doesn't have secret (or explicit) good motivations for piracy and torture and murder. Stede is a deadbeat dad who chose piracy. Which includes stealing from people, even the poor (do we forget the plant so easily?), despite him. Y'know. Being rich? And like, selfish and cruel are Stede and Ed's middle names, Anon. Turtle vs crab? Setting a ship on fire with everyone still inside? Doesn't matter if the fire was the one who killed them if you're the one who set the fire, Anon. Swede losing teeth/fingernails? But I wanna go on a treasure hunt! And let's not even bring up Mary and the kids.

'Lazy and racist', where? I am legitimately asking, Anon, where? Is it where he makes the crew do their actual jobs? That's his job. Oh, how about where, instead of getting captured by the native people for being a colonizer, he does business with them? (You know, the people who explicitly call out Stede and Pete for being racist?) How about working under and with BIPOC? You think Blackbeard would keep him around if he was being racist? You think Jackie would have given him the time of day if he was racist? You don't think Fang and Ivan would have had some comment about it during the mutiny/planning scene?

I'll do you a solid, you don't have to point to any particular scene that doesn't exist. The writers themselves have said that they're not trying to tackle racism in the show the way that having Izzy be anything but 'white person who is, by virtue of being white, some level of racist' would be. If you don't want to call literally every other sympathetic white character on the show racist, you shouldn't be saying it of Izzy either. Izzy isn't the one who owns a fucking plantation.

Anon, I'm so glad you're giving me permission to keep liking Izzy! Thank you so much! I'm so grateful the fandom has you here to delegate what people are allowed to like and do! What would we do without you?

Nobody thinks Izzy is 'secretly the third protagonist'. Not anymore than people think that of Jim or Oluwande or Frenchie, since they all have side-plots going on as well. As for whether or not he's going to turn around and save the day? We'll see. Obviously he's not going to do everything because he's not the protagonist(s), but he has the potential to try and help just as much as everybody else on either crew. You're certainly entitled to your opinion/interpretation of his character but I can just as well say 'I think you're wrong', especially when you come into my house and throw a fit about it.

Did you forget that Jim and Lucius kissed as well? Are you forgetting 'we don't own each other'? Hell, Anon, I specifically said 'I don't ship Jim and Izzy', but well. Something something 'people on this website piss on the poor' etc. (Anon, you can just say 'fat', its not a bad word. I'm fat, Oluwande is fat, I fucking love that he's fat. I'm also not the best suited to speak on BIPOC representation but I'm also super happy that they're not shying away from including dark-skinned actors like Samson and Leslie. But that doesn't fit into your narrative so 🤷‍♂️.) You can call me all the sweet things you like but it doesn't change the fact that the show has, pretty explicitly, said 'yay polyamory' and Jim (and Oluwande) has two hands. Leave alone the fact that Jim can kiss Lucius and just be friends with him, same as they could with Izzy.

Gosh, Anon, you're really hurting my feelings here. You really think I'm a stupid cunt? That hurts. Genuinely, I'm gutted. I don't think I'll ever recover.

Given that you're literally talking hypotheticals, as we all are, since we don't know what is going to happen in season 2, I'm not going to argue if it would 'mean good things for Izzy' if Jim kissed him. Though I will say, if Jim needed him distracted for people to escape (I'm assuming you mean escaping him, rather than Ed who is the proper threat to anyone in need of escaping right now) they could find easier ways to do it than kissing him?

And the sky is green. And cats are witches. And women have crystals in their bodies. I can say stuff too, Anon. I think you fundamentally misunderstand what redemption means, if we're being entirely honest here. Redemption has less to do with your previous actions and more to do with what you choose to do going forward. Clearly we disagree on his capacity for doing better going forward, and that's fine, its alright to be wrong Anon I won't judge you for that, but him having done bad in the past* has no bearing on his redemption if he chooses to do good in the future.

*'Bad' here being used both generously and ungenerously. Generously towards your definition of bad and ungenerously in the face of his rationale. He had perfectly valid reasons for doing the things he did, regardless of whether or not he should have done them.

I love you too Anon! I hope you have a good day at school tomorrow- er. On Monday, sorry, adult schedules don't always follow the 'weekends off' rules that kid's schedules do, I forget sometimes. Bye bye!

[beevean]

I said i was going to so here i go... WHAT ARE YOUR ISAACTOR HEADCANONS ? EMPTY YOUR BAG. TELL ME EVERYTHING !!

Please. 👉👈

The beauty of Isaactor is that we know next to nothing about their relationship in canon, and I've seen the most different of takes from other fans - rivals, close friends, boyfriends, fuckbuddies, abusive... and for each of them I've nodded and thought "yep, this makes perfect sense" lmao, canon doesn't tether me so I was free to consider every interpretation

So my indecisive ass blended every take together for my headcanons 😂

(but speaking of canon, I feel the need to post this one, small, singular glimpse of PtR because I can't get over it, Hector looks so done with everything, c'mon man Isaac was trying to be nice... in his own way :P)

That Isaac had a thing for Hector is 100% canon and I will die on this hill :P how could anyone resist his pretty silver hair? But as for Hector, I think there was the chance for him to like Isaac back. I think that, at his best, Isaac was fun to be around, he made Hector laugh, they were up to some shenanigans in the castle like racing on their Innocent Devils :P He also was his senpai, and I mean it in the real, untranslatable sense of the word - he's a little older than Hector, he started studying dark arts before him, so what if he taught him some tricks? What if Hector at first admired Isaac too? What if there was a time where Isaac was simply fond of Hector and proud of his progress, without his jealousy getting in the way? :)

And this is small, but... what if Hector never fell into the pit of "all humans suck" precisely because he met Isaac, and that for him was the proof that some humans were good after all? :')

I don't think they loved each other though, not in a deep, wholesome way. I'm going with MF's idea that they met as teens, and they were both messed up teens who had no idea what love was* because they were deprived of it, bitter and shunned, so while they liked each other and had fun together, they just kinda... clung together because they had nothing else, and had no idea of what they were doing. They were each other's firsts in everything, even friends, with no healthy reference lol. And turns out that, just because you can bond over the world hating you both, doesn't mean that you have compatible personalities.

(*tbf, at least Isaac had Julia, which is its own can of worms and another relationship brimming with potential for headcanons. I personally think that Isaac's family situation was at the very least a bit better than Hector's: Mr. Laforeze was a sorcerer himself so Isaac's powers didn't scare him, Julia just loved her big bro, and Isaac did his best to protect her. But I also think that he was treated much, much worse by the village he lived in, because you don't proudly state that you turned your back against God as a literal child without something breaking you... let's just say that according to some legends, strigoi have red hair and blue eyes :^) )

Admittedly, I'm also stealing a couple of pages from N!Hector, because not everything about him is a dumpster fire. There's nothing wrong, for example, with the idea that when he was younger, Hector used to be more passive - in the manga's flashback he comes off as a very shy, scared boy, most likely traumatized by his mother and the church burning because of him. When you're made to feel like you shouldn't have even been born, how much self esteem are you bound to have? So I think Isaac always had the stronger, more dominant personality (yes I'm saying that the man with a collar is dominant, he's a complicated guy [cit.]), and he managed to rope Hector into everything he wanted to do, and everything was on his terms. I don't see Isaac as a deliberate manipulator, let alone abusive, just that he put himself in charge (something something compensating for his perceived inferiority and needing to be seen as important something) and Hector never stopped him because he trusted Isaac too much.

And then Lisa was killed.

Imagine the huge shift that this brought in Castlevania. Dracula snapped and waged war on humanity. This, among other things, meant that the Devil Forgemasters were now tasked to create huge armies of demons, to then send to villages to be destroyed.

Imagine Hector and Isaac being overworked to death, stressed, and worried for Dracula's state. Isaac also has to face the facts that he's not quite as good as Hector, he can't keep up as easily, and Dracula already favores the other one, and it drives him mad. He wants that recognition too, he's afraid that he might be deemed useless, and if he's useless, what is he good for? Dracula is angry, demanding, merciless, he won't forgive any mistake because this war is too important to him, Isaac always has to be at his best and can't afford to slip up - so he doubles and triples down and twists himself to be as loyal and efficient as he can possibly be, compensating his flaws in Devil Forging with sheer, mindless cruelty to please his Master in any way he can. He even goes so far as to ask to be tattooed to really commit! I interpret Isaac as someone who doesn't want to think, he only wants to obey and belong to someone who deserves it.

Hector, in his position as the golden child, had the time to actually think about what he was doing. Again taking some inspiration from N!Hector, I imagine he had little empathy for humans, but not to the point of wanting all of them dead: he was probably uncomfortable with the requests of killing everyone, but at first he went along, because well, what else could he do? And he could vaguely understand why Dracula was so enraged. But, while Isaac really worshipped the very ground Dracula walked on and justified anything with "it's what my Lord wants and my purpose in life is to obey Him", Hector always saw his servitude to Dracula in a more distant way, as in, "I wanted power, you gave me that power, and to thank you I am willing to use it for you". So his uncomfortableness grew into something heavier to bear... guilt for the innocents he was killing, resentment for doing something he didn't want, a growing sense of self-worth, the realization that, no matter how many times he repeated that he did not belong to the human world (as per the Japanese version of the Devil Forging formula), he really was still as much human as the creatures Dracula so despised.

(a bit of a side note, I think Isaac also took Lisa's execution more personally because of his background as a sorcerer. Julia herself was hunted because of her nature as a witch, and who knows if they also went through something similar during their childhood? So I imagine he was more than glad to punish the "humans" for their irrational hatred against witches, while Hector was more detatched)

And what does this have to do with Hector and Isaac's relationship? Well, we know that Hector tried to involve Isaac in his morality crisis, and he was shut down without any hope for discussion. Isaac didn't want to think about that, he had other things to worry about. He was also starting to feel quite resentful about Hector, always better than him no matter how hard he tried - I think that the two started to argue pretty much everyday because Isaac kept snapping over everything and Hector was growing a spine. Jealousy is a bitch and can turn you into a nasty person :\ and I like to think that Hector started to look down on Isaac for his mindless devotion, which he couldn’t comprehend. To make matters worse, Hector didn't really have anyone else to confide in... well, there was Alucard, but I doubt that Alucard wanted much to do with two humans stomping all over his mother's wishes :\

(also personally i am a huge, huge slut for the idea that they'd still keep the physical part of their relationship because they lowkey miss each other but they're both too much prideful assholes to talk about it ;) at least, until Hector grew tired and started to feel used...)

By the end, Hector has had enough of Isaac's shit. He lost the one person he thought that could understand him, he wants to run away, he wants to be free, because he has realized his own worth - I love that part in the MF manga where he looks down on Isaac and makes fun of him for being a pawn, I need more of Hector being a condescending little shit :) Part of him still wished he could ask Isaac to run away with him, but he knew that he simply couldn't, Isaac has put Dracula over him, he'd rat him out, or he'd kill him with his own hands. So he thinks "fuck it", and leaves as soon as he can in secret, maybe even thinking that Isaac would be happy to not have the competition anymore. He underestimated how much being abandoned would hurt Isaac, though.

And that's how they became the worsties we know and love <3

As a bonus point, I like to think that the reason Isaac becomes so hyperobsessed with Hector but barely spares a thought about Trevor, the one who materially went and killed Dracula, is precisely because the Curse took his feelings and his deep hurt and amplified them up to 11, to the point that Isaac really couldn't think about anything else for 3 whole years :)

(another idea i'm a huge slut for is Hector living with Rosaly, actually experiencing love for the first time in his life, and breaking down because now he's realizing that what he had with Isaac wasn't even remotely the same thing and regretting ever stepping foot into Castlevania and wasting half of his life. And yet, at the same time, he grieves for Isaac because he had been such an important part of his life. My man has a lot of adjustment to do :( )

This ended up being a poutpourri of every headcanon I have of what happened pre-C3, but it's just. I have so many thoughts about my boys and they deserve more love <3

[todayisafridaynight]

I've been in my feelings about Jo and Aoki's last interactions for a bit...

Because that whole scene is textbook verbal abuse, right... Aoki is very clearly trying to tear Jo's self-esteem and bolster his own, establish control, all that, and Jo just has to stand there meekly and take it. All because Jo's disobeyed one too many times and Aoki needs someone he knows he can control to head the Tokyo Omi Alliance.

Like Jo says he's never disobeyed Aoki except in that one instance, but not handling things himself at Otohime Land was very much his way of giving Ichi an out indirectly, and I feel like Aoki was beginning to catch on based on his comments about Jo neglecting the situation and acting strangely. Directly refusing his orders just confirmed his suspicions.

It's kind of lost among all the bombshells dropped in Chapter 13, but Jo's hesitance to kill anyone who's important to Arakawa is a big deal to me. It's not like he had any personal ties to Hoshino or any investment in maintaining the balance of the Ijin Three whatsoever; he went to those lengths to set himself up to be stopped because Arakawa wouldn't want Hoshino to die and that was it.

To return to the scene, I think it's also a great demonstration of Aoki's "those who use and those who get used" mentality. This next thing is... pretty badly mistranslated, at least in the subs, so it was lost on me for a while. But before the Lost Puppy line, the specific way Aoki chooses to downplay Jo's merit is by telling him he only got to his position because everyone was so sensitive to his (Aoki's) feelings and could tell he favored Jo, following him around like a lost puppy being precisely why Aoki favored him.

I don't think that was all there was to it, of course. Dude was five and deliberately brings Jo wherever he goes to this day by choice. It's kind of like those guys who get rejected once and start going on tirades about how "she should've been grateful, she was ugly anyway." But that's what Aoki wants to portray--you only had it that good because of me, and I can take it away whenever I want. Whenever you're no longer of use. Anything to preserve his status as the user and Jo's as the used.

Jo's crossed the line at this point. He is no longer of use. He does kind of get into it so that takes the edge off my frustration with The English Language, but from this point onward, he believes Aoki sees him as a "bullet"--a hitman only sent on suicide missions. So despite everything he's done for him, despite being "the favorite," he knows full well Aoki's trying to kill him before Aoki even gives Ishioda the order. And... he accepts it.

So TO GO FROM THAT to having to reconcile in prison would've been so much powerful than what the ending was trying to do. Having to come to terms with the fact you killed one of the only people who saw you for who you were and truly cared about you, were going to kill the other two, and have abused all three from the moment you realized you had power over them. And for Jo, going through everything he went through because of Aoki and loving him without question anyway... Getting to express that in some small way... I need to lie down...

ALSO tattoo essay... later... maybe tomorrow... I mainly just feel like I sound extremely mean about rggtattoos' take😭😭😭but the show must go on

YEAH NO THAT'S IT ALL FAX NO PRINTER NO EXTRA NOTES NECESSARY

It'd be the fact that Aoki'd have no choice but to confront those decisions he made and those things he wanted to happen. he'd made a social circle for himself where people predominantly liked him for the power and influence he had and totally turned his back on the people who- awfully ironically as he wanted- loved him for him

He'd already smoothed things over with Ichi, so- by his own hand- all that was left was Jo, the person he'd taken for granted the most next to Arakawa and who he planned to have executed alongside him. Jo's got every right to not forgive Aoki and to push him away, let each other rot in prison ignoring each other. So it's the worst feeling when Jo doesn't do that- its impossible for me not to imagine Jo wondering about what happened for Aoki to get so banged up if he's brought into prison the same night, and making sure Aoki's okay despite it.

Whereas Ichi was more upfront about his love and even frustrated about it ('frustrated' in that 'how could Aoki be so blind not to see how much care there is for him from us'), the breaking part about Jo is that he's forced himself to be so careful about showing his affection. Ichi's love was borderline irritating for how apparent it was: Jo's could have easily been written off or ignored.

All of that said, prison is where Aoki would be forced to realize that Jo does love him like Ichi said he does; there's no reason to keep up appearance or kiss up anymore- Aoki doesn't have any use to Jo anymore (if Aoki chose to interpret Jo's loyalties as a stepping stone to promote himself), and there's certainly no where else to run. It's probably that dawning moment that's gotta be so. Oh God What The Fuck. Like it's a sobering moment for him to go 'What have I been doing this whole time/what have I done to everyone', as corny as it sounds

[batemanofficial]

saw skinamarink ... not super enthused tbh but here's my review (spoilers under the cut)

first of all the child actors did a great job. they're not really ever fully on screen but you can definitely tell that the characters are scared, which is a lot harder than it looks when the audience can't see your face

the cinematography is cool, i liked that you can't really tell what's going on outside of the field of view, it really ramps up the horror

the last three jumpscares (if you've seen the film you know exactly which one's im talking about) are very effective, the buildup is very tense (the guy behind me in the theatre said 'absolutely fucking not' right before the bit with the phone) and the payoff is good

that said the rest of the jumpscares in the earlier parts of the film are less effective, they're kind of just loud noises for no reason which obv doesn't make for great payoff

you'll never hear me say this about any other film but i wish it was visually darker. and that there was less film grain. it was very obvious that it wasn't shot on film and that the grain came from a filter applied in post, and it was so grainy that it seemed like the camera was moving a lot of the time even when it wasn't

i guess that's part of the goal tho, i guess for disorientation's sake it worked but it was a little tiring at the end

the foley is bad. i'm sorry but it is. the sound they used for the kids walking doesn't sound like socks on carpet, it mostly just reminded me of the sound corduroy pants make when you walk? idk it kinda took me out of it

the rest of the audio mixing was also not so good. the dialogue was very muddy (again i suspect that's intentional but still it makes for a bit of a frustrating watch) but the sound fx were super loud, especially the jumpscares which again kinda took me out of it

the narrative was admittedly very sparse but it was very easy to follow. by like the 20 minute mark you know exactly what's going on and who's doing what (and to whom) so i appreciated that, because i went into it afraid that it was going to be deliberately opaque in terms of story but it wasn't

ok spoilers. you've been warned

the metaphor at play here is. not subtle and like i said that's great for clarity's sake, but it is very sad. this is not a feel good film, but the fact that the child abuse allegory is so prominent does make the last scare very sad, especially given the rewind/fast forward/repeat mechanic that's going on in the scene

i thought the fact that kaylee got her eyes and mouth "taken away" was handled well for the type of scare that it was, that had the potential to get very hammy but i thought it worked well in context

this is just Jaime's Theory Corner but imo that bit seemed to imply that the mom was taking away (or at least trying to take away) kaylee's ability to witness and talk about the abuse that kevin is facing, so i thought the whole "kaylee didn't do as she was told (i.e. stay quiet), so i took her mouth away" thing was effective

i thought the barbie jumpscare just didn't work. it would've been more effective imo if the jumpscare came from the barbie falling to the floor and making a loud thud (maybe even to foreshadow a body hitting the floor. idk) instead of just SCREECH for no real reason

i guess that might be part of the child abuse thing tho. since we're supposed to be seeing this through the kids' eyes i guess the confusing nature of the jumpscares could be meant to signify the fact that they don't know why their mom is doing this, it's just loud and disorienting and scary

also i didn't get the "572 days" intertitle at the end. what's that about

overall it's just kind of a bummer of a film honestly. it's very well done both technically and artistically, but it's just kinda sad. personally i like horror that you can walk away from feeling like it all paid off, but this just didn't feel like it had that release for me

i'd give it a 6/10 overall, if you're dying to watch it just pirate it or wait till it comes out on shudder on feb 1.

[imperceivablesexygender]

god im exhausted

stupid hopeless yearning underneath so i don't inflict lengthy ramblings scroll of doom on the 1 person who follows this blog. hi anna you don't have to read this i'm just being dumb about my best friend and wanted to put my thoughts down

so for context. i have one (1) very short previous romantic experience. and by very short i mean half a summer, before freshman year. i have only told my 3 family members (where secrets go to die) and i don't know if she told anyone else - this thing barely even happened. we cuddled at night for a couple of months. but it's the only time i've been remotely near a romantic relationship with someone, so it counts. to Me. i don't know if it counts to Her. but i know she remembers.

this girl is my best friend. we've known each other since kindergarten. i was a dumb 8th grader who couldn't understand attraction if it hit me between the eyes. she'd had a few boyfriends - she was a bit more explicit about what she wanted. but only barely - we never talked about how we cuddled at nights, we never talked about the one time she tried to kiss me in the dark and i squeaked in surprise and didn't know how to react and she never tried it again.

she's moved on. i swear she has. she's dated a girl and our other best friend and at least three other men in the six years since our absolute nonrelationship. had a phase immediately after getting away from our abusive ex best friend where she went on a ton of blind hookups. she's Miles ahead of me in the sexual experience department.

i am So Fucking Horny for her it's not even fair.

i don't Know if i'm In Love or if she's simply familiar and safe enough for me to want to explore my own sexuality with her. i've had three (3) dreams starring her in the past few months.

i tried to ask if she'd be down. we were on shrooms together once, and complaining about romantic prospects, and she made a "low-hanging fruit" metaphor - that maybe a person should stop looking up into trees to pick fruit, and instead look around to see who else might be trying to do the same thing. she looked at me with the biggest earnest doe eyes when she said it and at the moment i would have sworn she was talking about herself, but i wimped out at the time and asked the next morning. she said she wasn't. i dropped it - if she's not interested i don't want to push anything and risk losing her again. i'd rather have her as a friend than not at all, no contest

now she's got a boyfriend. the guy seems great, genuinely! he likes her a lot, and she seems happy, and i really do think he seems chill.

a little more backstory - there was this call-and-response bit we used to do, where she called and i responded, and as part of the bit i would be deliberately obtuse and not finish it, for reasons unknown to me then and unknown to me now. once we started semi flirting and cuddling at night, i finally completed the response. this was a bit that went on throughout that summer, that did not continue after that summer when we ended things, and that has been invoked *maybe* once since, when we were very high.

today, apropos of seemingly nothing, she started the call.

and being a hopeless fool, i finished it.

i couldn't have interpreted the look on her face if you paid me. i tried to play it off like it was nostalgic to me or something, and she didn't say anything else about it, but.

i've thought i've been reading into her actions too much for forever now. i keep telling myself, dude cut it out, you're seeing patterns that aren't there, she's over you, you just need to put yourself out there and forget about it. (easier said than done - it's not that i don't want to try, but that how the fuck am i supposed to "put myself out there" as a 20yo with no experience. it's diving into the deep end without knowing how to swim. also i can't drive myself to dates, and have an aversion to dating apps.)

except there has never ever been any connotation to that stupid call and response between us other than a romantic one. we BOTH know that. she Has to know that. why the FUCK did she do it today.

im gonna ask. i Have to ask. it's just fucking exhausting winding myself up about it. i'm terrified she won't want to stay my friend if she finds out i still have feelings. even though i'll be so stupid normal and fine about it if she says she doesn't feel the same way. she'll never hear about it from me again. because i care about her and our friendship and i'd rather ignore my own yearning than lose her completely.

[dzpenumbra]

11/25/22

Today was a mixed bag. I finally caught up on sleep. Finally, after like a week. I started my day, got the cat food and decided "fuck it, I'm going to smoke today. It's Thanksgiving, I'm alone and packing all day, I might as well unwind a bit." I got a good shower in, did laundry all day, started a new Rimworld playthrough and worked on my hoodie and packed most of my food stuff from the kitchen.

There isn't a ton of stuff left to pack. Mostly kitchen stuff, bathroom stuff, clothes, art supplies/tools and my computer. I'm not sure if it's gonna be one drive worth, might be two, but it's going well. I can feel the gears getting close to the next tick.

While cleaning out my cabinets, I was reminded by 11 tubs of shisha that I used to smoke tobacco. I have been nicotine-free for over a year (I quit early November last year). This shisha is worth probably... I'd say over $150 total. And it's all still good too, it's made with molasses and really doesn't lose a lot of flavor or quality over time too much. I mean, after several years... probably... but I've smoked shisha after a year in a sealed container and it's been totally fine. So... me, in my infinite wisdom, thought to offer this tobacco to the only person I can think of that smokes that might appreciate it. My brother.

This was a mistake. I don't really feel comfortable getting into it any more than that, but... I'm realizing certain patterns in how some people address unexpected reconnections. This pattern is one of skepticism. Asking questions, which quickly morph into rhetorical questions, which morph into answering their own questions, which transitions into "let me tell you what's going on", which quickly arcs over to "here are your options". Which is, to be frank, far from a conversation. It's kind of an ultimatum. It's control, really. Taking control of an unexpected or unknown situation, rather than seeking further clarification.

I'm shaking a bit right now, because the conversation continued at the end of the last paragraph. I'm not exaggerating, my hands are trembling, like I'm shivering, and I feel weak. And I'm starting to learn that this is a trauma response. And in the future, when I start feeling this way - or in the present, when I start feeling this way - I need to walk away from the dangerous situation I'm in and go cuddle my cat and eat some ice cream or something.

I deserve to be around people who appreciate me. Who don't scrutinize every word and action I take deliberately looking for the "trick" or "trap", and then having to suffer the full brunt of someone else's anxious retaliation. I have suffered this more times than I can count. Being the victim of a tortured soul swinging at ghosts of past abusive relationships, past pains, past horrors. Past, of course, being the important word there. It has taken me decades to truly believe this - and may every heavenly deity from every faith ever bless my social worker for helping me fully integrate this - these things I am being accused of. These situations are not. my. fault. And I. deserve. better.

I'm starting to edit, so I'm going to change the topic. I feel foolish for trying to be charitable and forgiving towards family. Which is such a conflicting feeling. Trying to forgive and be kind to those who have been controlling and manipulative to me... like... why the fuck am I so drawn to it? I just... want to be a good person, you know? I just want to be a good guy who can help inspire people to move forward. To get unstuck. Like... this whole control thing just comes from fear usually. At least as a trauma response, its like... responding to fears of being taken control of... then overcompensating by taking control of the other person. At least most of the time, from what I've seen. So my dumb ass brain just goes "yo, if you're really nice and not a threat to them, they'll feel safe and they won't be controlling and everything will go back where it was 10 years ago". NOPE. Big old fuckin nope it won't. I don't think that has ever actually worked, like maybe once or twice has that ever been effective and it has never had a lasting effect. Why? Well... because the other person has a primary defensive mechanism that they are not working on that is "I need to control this before it hurts me". And just because this fluke moment reassured them that a threat wasn't immanent... doesn't mean that reflex isn't primed to strike at any moment, over any thing. It's a hair trigger defense system that is notorious for misfiring. I've often made the analogy of these people being like night watchmen on a castle wall with 50 caliber machineguns just hosing down the forest every time they hear a twig crack. This policy of "shoot first", "control first", "blame first", ask questions later... it does not change. It has no need to change. And most importantly, it is not mine to change. Ideally, they would install a floodlight and try to gather information on what is cracking the twigs, before raining buckets of hot lead into the darkness. But again, I can't sneak up onto the battlements and install one. I can't sneak up there and leave a note saying "I will be walking by in the forest at 2:16AM, 50 yards from the wall, please do not shoot me." These will also be seen as signs of manipulation. You can't reason with those who are convinced the world is out to get them. Trust me, I'm one of them, and I'm trying so fucking hard to recover.

Now it's 1AM. I want to pack up my bathroom stuff before bed. This was a nasty taste to leave in my mouth after a big day. And part of me wishes I didn't reach out. Part of me wishes I wasn't so generous to those who haven't "earned" it, and who abuse my generosity, who abuse my forgiveness and trust. But part of me feels like it's the right thing to do. For the shisha. XD I am not even fucking kidding, I'm legit saying this and honestly believe it. I think the shisha deserves to be appreciated. I don't think it deserves to go in the trash. And I'm not going to smoke it in the new apartment, I'm just not going to. So... what options do I have? Do I try to give it to a stranger up at the new apartment? "Hey person I've never met, would you like 11 tubs of year-old shisha? To smoke in a building you can't smoke in?" Doesn't seem smart. And I don't know anyone left in this town. So... yeah. I wish I was kidding, but I legit was willing to reach out to one of the people that hurt me most in the world, in my entire life, to offer him a "peace offering" (which I later rephrased as "cease fire" as in "please stop accusing me of being a bad person and barking orders at me") in order to get 11 tubs of flavored tobacco a home where they would be appreciated.

Would it be better if I just threw it out next time? I honestly don't know anymore. It seemed like a great idea at the time, a win-win-win all around, and now my heart just aches. And I feel really sad and hopeless, depressed. Tragedy, is really the only word coming to mind on repeat. So... I guess we just keep marching. Maybe more packing, but it's 1AM now because I was sitting here fucking waiting for his ass to stop playing fucking video games on Thanksgiving and respond to simple Discord messages. Okay, I'm a bit upset now. I worked really hard to reset my sleep schedule, now it's just slipping right back again.

Ugh. Deep breath. I'm just going to say this. I. Cannot. Fucking. WAIT. Until I get to have friendships that breathe life into me. That aren't controlling and draining and taking and sucking the life out of me. I cannot wait until I have any form of relationship where the person actually, genuinely cares how my day was, actually appreciates the gestures that I put forth unsolicited. Where we amplify each other, resonate. Healthy relationships. I'm very excited, I hope it's soon. I have so much to share!

As much as this has been a catastrophic, heart-wrenching end to the day, it has been a pretty good day overall. And I really can't let the pains of a Sith drain me. I deserve better, and if others won't respect me, I need to at very least respect myself enough to get out of situations like that. I have always sucked at walking away, I feel like I'm abandoning or giving up. But... yeah. That's a block for me. So I need to address that in the future.

Sorry for the doom and gloom. Move is almost done, I hope to be up in the new place by the start of the next week, maybe even over the weekend. I just have some deliveries coming this weekend (art supplies, a painting I ordered for the new apartment) and I kinda want to be around for that. We'll see how it goes. Here's to building more positivity in the world, even if it means walking away, I guess.

[x3rrorx]

1)bo fandom is bigger then the spiritbox one, that's why you see less comments about it, but people did talk about it.

Like I said if people do comment about it it’s not to the same level BO is just straight up coddled

2)if you hate men you aren't a feminist sorry not sorry

I literally never said this. I said “call me a man-hating feminist” as in call me this if you want because I don’t hate men and I don’t care if you think I do. This is because people say a woman hates men when she anything remotely feminist. You are being deliberately obtuse on this point.

men ARE DISCRIMINATED and oppressed , you guys just don't want to see it because it doesn't fit into your narrative of female= perpetual victim

They’re not. And I never said women are perpetual victims either. There are ways that a woman can have more privilege than a man, but it’s not because of her sex/gender identity. There other social factors such as race, ethnicity, class, disability, that are important too. This is literally intersectional feminism 101. That’s not to say men don’t have gender related problems, but those stem from the fact that the patriarchy hurts everyone but the primary target is women. There is no systemic sexism in place in which the primary target is men. This is really not that hard to understand. As a black person, I find this idea that that men are systemically oppressed to be very reminiscent of the notion of “reverse racism” as a systemic issue. It’s gross and I will never entertain it. Cry about it.

let me remind you that back in the days the ones who were against woman voting were woman themselves, the hate against woman groups was perpetuated by their own self, and that's a historical fact.

So, it's worth to say that woman are "oppressed" because of woman themselves.

There’s a difference between a class creating a system of oppression against another class, and the discriminated class internalizing that oppression. You could argue any minority is also equally “responsible” for their own oppression according to your logic, but that’s obviously not true.

not denying that in the metalcore scene misogyny is a thing, that's true but it's not right to blame all of the men for it, that's just hypocrisy.

I never said every man is to blame. This a straw man.

just because man usually don't report abuse compared to woman that does not mean they their voices are less important, daily reminders that woman beat/sexually abuse and can commit any type of crime just like a man, again, don't be an hypocrite.

I never said their voices are less important. This another straw man. If you really think the levels of male violence against women and the levels of female violence against men and female violence in general are equal and it’s just that men report it less, I don’t know what to tell you. That is asinine and a second of research will tell you that it is false.

7)...did you just said that Rachel is a woman of color?¿... Sorry I lost at this claim since Rachel is a WHITE COLOMBIAN WOMAN and she ain't anywhere close to be black lmao (no, but like seriously, how can you actually say that she is black? She is tanned but that doesn't make her black😂😂

Jesus fucking Christ. Woman of color ≠ Black woman. Any non- white person is a person of color. Have you’ve been living under a god damn fucking rock?? Rachel is an Hispanic person with mestizo ancestry therefore she is a woman of color. I am literally a black woman, I know what a black woman is. You seem to be confusing the phrase “person of color” with “colored person”. “Colored” is a term that was used for describe black people during segregation that is no longer socially acceptable. Person of color today means any non-white person not just a black person.

If you really think that man don't have to go through lot of shit too then you are just an hypocrite who is also really dumb.

Another straw man in the first sentence. As far the “who is also really dumb” taunt: Your entire rant is extremely pick me-ish. It is filled to the brim with straw mans and knee jerk reactions, and completely lacked any reading comprehension. I felt like I was reading something written by a 6th grader with no knowledge of the world and how systemic issues work. The call is coming from inside the house.

I’m not gonna involve myself in this argument. I feel you both have said your side and I don’t want to continue to share and keep this argument going.

Agree to disagree.

[cryopathiic-a]

He could not provide her with an exact number if he wanted to. Did she even know how long this had went on, or that he had inherited this place from his father before him? And that man would make Dōma sound respectful with the way he treated those girls. Although they both ended up destroying their lives in different ways. And no amount of reprogramming could amend that.

When you break someone like that, it's indelible. Even if they rebuild themselves. There's a unique connection between victim and abuser; a unique relationship between follower and leader that cannot be undone. His face will forever haunt their minds. The Corps might manage to tuck it in the back of it, but it will always be there and that's what it means to truly own someone. It has nothing to do with putting a collar on them; which is why Dōma is so comfortable in his own.

❝ I'm saying it how it is. You're telling me you've never thought about it? Well, not being eaten by me, specifically, I know you've thought about that. Probably to get yourself going in bed sometimes. ❞ He chuckles teasingly. ❝ But, I mean— have you never thought about how glorious it would be to have your prowess acknowledged by someone like Upper One? To venture through that final battle with an ancient warrior and know you did everything in your power—- no, hear me out, truly everything in your power this time. That you've reached your limits. Completion. That's enough, you've done your best... and you're free to rest now. ❞ She would probably view it as failure if she lost to him, though, wouldn't she?

❝ I always thought for some humans it might feel more reassuring this way. But then again there's always those who want to go beyond their limits and contest the Gods themselves. ❞ He shrugs, lightly. ❝ And with Muzan-sama on the wheel, I don't blame them. Because when it comes down to it, that man gave humans the right to think in this way. By being so afraid of them. ❞ It was a surprisingly acute observation. Then again, Dōma always kept his cards hidden. He was all bite and no bark; so the teeth would sting twice as much when they finally sink. And a century of servitude was enough for him to grasp onto certain things, even if the bloodstain on his head had forbade him from dwelling on the topics.

Her next question had him hold a pause.

❝ Oh. I don't know. I mean, I know I want to live for as long as possible. It's in my blood. But I'm not really the kind of guy who likes to plan ahead. Because life is more interesting if it's full of surprises, isn't it? And the longer you live, the less easy it is to be surprised, so planning would just drain all the fun out of it. ❞ It's a sound explanation, sufficient enough for her to miss the small text through the lines. It's not so much a lack of foresight as an impulsion he's describing. His goals have always been more short-term than that.

Astra is being deliberately laconic. And she did not answer his question. And he lets that slide, which he believes she should be grateful for. He doesn't let a lot of things slide, after all.

❝ Loss. Huh. I guess, though I barely knew these guys. But then again, as you know, everything is shared between demons and Muzan-sama. I think he was just really upset about that foolish child he'd turned. ❞ Rui. Well, this had been a hot topic back in the day, though he never really had anyone to gossip about it to. She doesn't need to know all the details; she would understand why the others didn't even want to bring his name up, after having known him a bit. Astra was given the advantage of the leash from the first moment they met — and he vividly remembers how that went. For those who were his subordinates, Upper Two looked very, very different from what he does now, lounged back in the passenger's seat and trying to smoke a cigar.

He coughs again. And amidst that bounce of his shoulders, her palm has reached for his cheek and he's made to look into her eyes. She won't find much in his own; other than a gleam of intrigue. For a moment it's quite evident that he's just looking for words to latch onto, as he normally does. But then—

A softer exhale.

❝ Do you want to be my master? ❞ Because it sounds like she may not truly want that. It sounds like she may have been forced into that position, both by others and by his own tendencies. It's not like he has been allowing her to soften her grip on that metaphorical leash, after all. Especially not lately, with all the antics. He won't say this feels any better, because it doesn't feel like anything. Except maybe a reprieve from the tension — and he's not even sure he likes the tranquility better. The tone grows somber. He rolls on his side to lean into her hand; his own rests the cigar against the tray before finding her hip.

❝ Alright, then, I expect you to answer my questions in full when I ask them. If you want me to be transparent with you, you'll have to do the same. In full, Astra. I want to know the truth about my girls. Everything. Everything they've told you and what you did with them and all that. ❞ She knows that he knows she is under contract. So what he is asking of her is quite clear. ❝ You can choose to obey your coworker's code or ours but... between the two of us, you know which one suits you better ~ ❞

[mostly-mundane-atla]

Moving on from yesterday's irritation at that awful anonymous message and discussing characters i'd hook up or do a scene with, i got a request at one point to talk about my grandma and the whole reincarnation through eskimo name experience. I think it'd be nice to talk about that instead of all the abuse and poverty i lived through.

I've mentioned before that Grandma would have been just a little girl when her whole village was made to relocate to a recently desegregated Nome. Alaska's BIA schools for Native Children varied and some teachers even found the suggested treatment of the children sent to them incredibly cruel and inhumane, so I can't speak to the exact details of the Nome school at the time my grandmother would have attended. The fact was, though, that Native children were punished, often physically, for not speaking English. This was deliberate. By taking children away from their families, making them speak in a new language their parents don't speak for eight hours a day, and making their first languages a source of shame and a sign of ignorance, you drive a wedge between generations and tell the younger one that the only way to success is abandoning their culture. What i can say about her time at school and how it affected her was that when she grew up, got married, and had kids of her own, she taught them as little Inupiaq as she could and treated "stupid" as a bad word. It would be about 40 years after she started school that her right to speak her language would be legally protected.

I don't know much about Grandma's upbringing other than that she was the second youngest of six kids, Inupiaq was her first language, and she wanted out of Nome from a young age. I don't even know if she had a high school education since at the time BIA schooling wasn't required to go that far and many high schools for Native Students were boarding schools, and we all know the dark history those have. I know she was a fan of Roy Orbison (the guy who sang Pretty Woman) and Elvis Presley. I've been told that she once met Elvis in an airport and was absolutely star struck the entire time. When she was growing up, cowboy boots were the hot fashion item among teens in Nome and she considered red nail polish salacious and scandalous.

My grandpa's mom was not happy about his relationship with Grandma. Grandpa's mom was a southern woman who didn't believe in race mixing, and refused to acknowledge their marriage, refering to Grandma as her son's "lady friend" long after they married and built a life together. She wouldn't budge from this until she succumbed to alzheimer's in her old age. Grandpa's dad, a WWII air force Veteran who was held as a prisoner of war by the Nazis, on the other hand, absolutely adored Grandma and was happy she married into the family. He thought she was incredibly cute (remember, she was under five feet tall and spoke with a heavy village accent) and would profusely apologize for eating stinky cheese or passing gas around her as she seemed so delicate a young lady to him. She considered this all quite endearing.

Grandma and Grandpa had four kids (my mom was also the second youngest, funnily enough) before medical issues prevented them from having more as Grandma would have wanted. Though she didn't teach anyone Inupiaq she'd still include Inupiaq words in her everyday speach, including calling black people "taaqsis" much to my mother's embarassment (the Inupiaq word for a black person is "taaqsipak" meaning "very dark" and is sometimes considered to have a negative connotation; though the word for a white person means "person of ignorance" which sounds much less neutral but isn't considered that negative; but at the same time it's not my place to say what is and isn't offensive to a group i don't belong to). She had to get her gallbladder removed and told her kids the scars were from when she got in a knife fight with a gang. It's been a while since my mom told me about this one, so i might be interpreting this wrong, but i think Grandma made a habit of going out to nightclubs with friends whenever she had a fight with Grandpa (who liked to start shit when he was bored so not that uncommon) and putting on her makeup in front of him before heading out to it to make him jealous. Healthy form of communication and conflict resolution? No. Funny to think about? Absolutely. Grandpa would say people only go to night clubs to "fuck or fight" and my mom shot back that Grandma was going out without him "because she doesn't want to fuck or fight" and she cracked up telling me this.

The thing that struck me most about what I've been told about Grandma, though, was how much other people liked to be around her. Not even just her peers in age, either. My mom's family was poor. The house was small, they didn't have cable, and ate what they could get on food stamps. It didn't sound like the most entertaining place to hang out, but in their teenage years my mom's friends and my uncles' friends loved visiting and staying as late as they could. Grandma was happy to see them and always managed to make them feel welcomed.

Grandma died in a pretty horrific car accident. I think my mom had graduated high school by then, but i don't know how old she was. It gave her a big scar on her jaw and a near death experience. She saw Heaven and from what she described, it sounds like the Ave Maria animation from Fantasia. Grandma was there; she was a light but my mom knew it was her, and she said to go back because it wasn't her time yet. One of my uncles was also in the car, just 14 at the time. Grandpa had to be pulled off the driver responsible for the wreck, who was also injured and in a hospital bed, so he wouldn't kill him.

I don't know how long after that i was born, but the first time my mom held me, she cried. Grandma had always teased her that she'd end up married to a white man and have blue-eyed babies. My dad is white (tho he wouldn't marry my mom until years later, in the living room, treating the lady who officiated it and the witnesses to a cigarette since we didn't even have a cake) and i have his blue eyes. I don't believe in fate, but i'd be lying if I said that didn't feel purposeful to me.

I got Grandma's eskimo name so she lives through me and my mom explained that to me since i was old enough to understand her words. We'd talk about her as if she was still alive -- and in a way, you could say she was -- but somewhere far away. My mom would always point out the ways i was like her. I was stubborn and sensitive like her, i drew eyes like her sometimes (a dot with a curved line through it), later on even little details like underwear preferences or a habit of drinking single serving coffee creamers like a shot, but it never felt like i was in anyone's shadow. It felt like i was loved for who i was and who I once was all at the same time. I'm trying to teach myself the language and every time I learn a new word or phrase, it feels familiar, like i'm pulling from inside and outside myself at the same time. Sometimes i tear up at it and a few times i've asked out loud "Grandma is that you?"

Sometimes I feel like the Woodsman from Over The Garden Wall, carrying a soul in a lantern. I wonder if she sees or feels through me. I'll think things like "we're still poor but fruit isn't a luxury anymore; isn't that neat, Grandma?" or "Do you like jasmine green tea, Grandma? I think it's exquisite," or "Grandma, this fall air is wonderful for walking in! Look at all the colors!"

It's like no matter how alone i am or feel, i'm always in good company. And i'm sure Grandma wouldn't want it any other way.

[stevesbestgirl]

Moon Boys - Love Languages

So it's after midnight and I'm supposed to be sleeping but I can't get this out of my head

Steven:

I feel like everyone's gut reaction is physical touch because of the bike scene and I have no arguments when we confidently declare that Steven is touch-starved. He's not used to that kind of physical contact- or maybe really any physical contact. BUT I don't think that's his love language.

Steven's face when he touches Layla is surprised, excited, and nervous. But its not until he realizes their shared interests that he really gets smitten with her. So for that reason, I think Steven's love language is quality time, both to give and receive.

Steven is a sharer; he wants to talk to you about his day and his hobbies and the program he watched on TV last night (assuming you weren't there to watch it with him). He's so enthusiastic and passionate and I feel like sharing that with someone else is how he shows his love.

And I know he bought Dylan flowers and chocolates for their date, but I don't think that's indicative of his love language so much as it is Steven being a classic romantic who wants to show his love and affection in every way he knows.

Marc:

For Marc, it's all about physical touch. Maybe a little bit of words of affirmation, but only as a receiver because he seems to have a hard time expressing his feelings and being vulnerable. Despite the tough guy act, Marc is insecure. He's lived his whole life thinking that he's a monster- a murderer. So, to hear his loved one tell him how they feel about him is very comforting, even if he doesn't really believe the things they say about him.

And I know what you're thinking; physical touch is touch and go (hehe) because of his past, but I think that's exactly why it's so important to him. Not only was his mother physically abusive, but he probably wasn't getting a lot of casual physical affection back in those days either. So for Marc, to have someone he trusts brush his back when you walk behind him or rest a hand on his leg while you're watching TV is super comforting. It says, "I'm here and I'm thinking about you," which also conveniently falls within the bounds of how much emotion Marc is comfortable sharing, so he has no qualms about doing it back.

Ultimately, when he's having a bad day, I think you could throw all of the comforting words you want at him, but in the end, the only thing that would really make him feel better would be to wrap himself up in you and feel safe and loved.

Jake:

Jake is harder than the others because not only have we seen so little of him, but we don't have his origin story yet. But right now, my gut says words of affirmation and gift giving.

Jake clearly has some game, since he landed a date with Dylan, despite the fact that Steven and Marc don't seem to be too connected to their coworkers. I think of the three, he's the most comfortable speaking and more importantly, speaking candidly. We haven't seen him in a fight yet, but we've seen the aftermath and something tells me that Jake isn't afraid to handle the consequences of his words, good or bad.

Steven is also very free with his thoughts but more in a word-vomit, you get everything I'm thinking kind of way. I think that Jake is not only very deliberate in what he says, but he also means it. He doesn't throw around compliments for the sake of them; they're almost like little gifts in and of themselves.

And he's used to being a bit of a charmer, so the first time you surprise him by complimenting him back, he shakes his head and disagrees, but he also blushes, just a little bit. He'll always argue with you when you compliment him because he'd rather compliment you (don't get me started on the need to be in control- even if its because he wants to take care of you), but he secretly loves it when you tell him he looks handsome and he'll always remember which shirts you've said looked good on him.

I think gift giving is definitely a way he shows his love, but I'm iffy on if he likes to receive gifts. Gifts are a problem solver for Jake; if you had a bad day, he'll bring you home flowers. If you're mad at him, he'll buy you a present to apologize. But if you buy him something, he'll protest and argue that you don't need to buy him things (because he has you, of course) and you shouldn't waste your money. BUT you can bet that he wears the watch you bought him for Christmas every day he fronts, without fail (and god forbid anything happen to it while on a mission- oh god, I can feel a fic in there somewhere)

Anyway, I'm well and truly smitten with my moon boys but now it's one in the morning and I need to sleep before work tomorrow