#I don't know what pickled herring tastes like

[ffsg0jo]

"She asked for no pickles" with the JJK men if you would like?

characters (all written separately): nanami x reader ; gojo x reader ; choso x reader

warnings: fem!reader , mentions of food , pickles , swearing , gojo being weird , light angst (choso)

w/c: 1.5k (roughly 500-600 words each character)

a/n: this was really fun to write, so thank you sm for sending a request in !! i kinda deviated from the brief a little, so i hope you don't mind too much :)) i hope you all enjoy it and let me know what you think !! ive also decided to split it into 2 parts since it was getting really long.

part 1 (nanami ; gojo ; choso) ; part 2 (toji ; geto ; sukuna)

𝐍𝐀𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐈. 𝐊𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐎 ::

"sweetheart what's wrong? why aren't you eating?"

your husband’s concerned voice pulled you out of your reverie. you sighed, weighing up your options, trying to decide whether it was worth telling kento your problem or not.

it was supposed to be a cute day out for you both, first going to an art museum which had a special exhibition you were both dying to see. then deciding to visit a nearby park with freshly baked bread, feeding your beloved husband a bite, and then the ducks.

now you were both currently sitting at a restaurant, and the sight before your eyes was enough to ruin your mood.

your husband reaches out and holds your hand from across the table, eyebrows furrowing further as he sees the despair on your face. you refuse to look at him, and kento starts to worry even more.

"my sweet girl, please tell me what's wrong," he urges, lightly squeezing your hand.

you sigh once more, and he follows where your eyes are pointedly staring the burger on your plate. immediately, he sees pickles sticking out from the edges, cemented into the melted cheese, and everything clicks.

"i asked for no pickles ken, but i don't want to be rude and send it back."

kento rubs your hand with his fingers and asks if you want him to take pickles off for you.

"i'll still be able to taste them though because i know they were there," you slightly pouted.

you looked so upset, and your husband hated that. you were really looking forward to trying this restaurant's burger due to all the good reviews you've heard. and as a fellow foodie, he can empathise and share your massive disappointment.

that won't do, kento thinks. his dear heart asked for no pickles, so she'll get a burger with no pickles.

kento spots a waiter nearby and makes eye contact, politely smiling and lifting his hand up. the waiter comes over immediately and asks if everything's okay.

"my beautiful wife here asked for no pickles on her burger, but there seems to be pickles," he looks at you and sees the slight embarrassment on your face and reassuringly rubs your hand. "would it be possible to send this one back and get one without pickles, please?"

you looked up at the waiter in hope with a bashful look on your face.

"absolutely sir," the waiter smiles at your husband and moves to take away the plate from in front of you. he turns to you and dips his head. "i apologise for any inconvenience caused, ma'am. i'll get that to you as soon as possible, alongside a desert of your choice, on the house."

you thank the waiter profusely, and once he's gone, you turn to your husband with the biggest smile on your face. you bring your joined hands up to lips and press kisses on the back of his hand.

"i love you so much kento, thank you!"

your husband smiles with a light blush adorning his cheeks. he leans over the table and presses his lips softly against yours.

"anything for you my sweetheart, i love you too." he whispers softly, with his lips still pressed against yours.

𝐆𝐎𝐉𝐎. 𝐒𝐀𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐔 ::

“satoru, my darling, my honeybun sweetie pie, did you put pickles in my fucking pastry?”

your boyfriend, who is sitting next to you, freezes at your tone, with his thumb pressed onto his lips to lick away cream from his cake that had gotten onto it. he turns to you with an incredulous look on his face, hand slowly falling back down to his lap. everything’s silent for a moment as he just blinks at you.

“pickles? did you say pickles babe?”

seeing the visible confusion on satoru’s face, you move the plate in your hands closer to him and pout.

“there’s pickles in my pastry.”

he looks down, and you’re right. for some reason, alongside the cream and the strawberries, there were two small slices of pickles half hidden underneath the strawberries. satoru’s confusion doubles, but then he remembers your accusation and how you looked like you were contemplating murder.

“that wasn’t me babe, i promise, scout’s honour!”

“don’t disrespect scouts toru,” you whine. “i was really looking forward to it you know.” you place the plate down on the tea table in front of you and huff, falling back and sinking into the sofa.

the only thing that got you through the long, hard day was the prospect of feasting on the pastry you bought and cuddling up to your lover. and now it was all ruined. what kind of sicko jokes around and puts pickles on perfectly delicious pastries, actively working to ruin people’s days.

seeing your lover’s shock, you’re inclined to believe him. out of everyone, satoru knew not to mess with people’s food, especially sweet treats. but you could’ve sworn putting it in the fridge with no pickles on it. so what happened?

satoru looks at you all upset, and he loses his appetite. don’t get him wrong, he would die for cake. but seeing you so distraught, he could not, in good conscience, enjoy his slice without you. he looks down at the slice of cake in his hand and decides to make a compromise.

“here, my love,” he says with a sweet smile on his face, handing you his plate. “you can have my slice.”

you look up at him, with your mouth slightly open in disbelief. no way, satoru just offered his cake. you never thought you’d live to see the day. looking at his plate, it does look delicious and pickle-less, but you shake your head. he deserves his sweet treat.

“s’fine baby, thank you though.”

“no, honestly, i don’t mind something savoury with my sweets,” he pushes the plate into your hands and grabs the pastry from the table. satoru makes a show of picking a pickle slice off the pastry and licking the cream off. “see it’s delicious,” he smiles brightly, seemingly enjoying it?

“i love you, but you’re a freak,” you grimace burrowing yourself into satoru’s side.

he only chuckles in response, munching on the pickle. he absolutely hates it. he’s a brilliant actor, but you can see it in his eyes, yet he still swallows it. you lift your hand up to his cheek, holding it gently and pressing kisses to every single bit of skin you can reach. your lover only gives you a cheesy smile in return, popping another cream covered pickle into his mouth.

“you don’t have to eat that love, we can just share your cake.”

satoru shakes his head, adamantly refusing. instead choosing to take a massive bite of your pastry covered in pickle juices. it’s disgusting, and he’ll probably cry in the shower before bed at the horrifying taste, but he could handle a couple of pickles if it ensured your happiness.

𝐊𝐀𝐌𝐎. 𝐂𝐇𝐎𝐒𝐎 ::

“baby it’s fine, i promise”

“no it’s not choso, first they made fun of you, and then they messed up your order on purpose,” you spluttered in pure disbelief. “it’s disrespectful and rude, i’m not letting them get away with it!”

how dare they, you thought as you sped back to the fast-food chain choso had gotten food for you both from. your husband is the sweetest and most respectful soul to have ever graced this earth. how dare they make fun of his facial marks and hair. you wanted to hug and kiss him all over, but first, you had some strong words for the workers at the food shop.  

to say you were fuming was the absolute least of it. you know for a fact that choso probably just awkwardly stood there, hearing their remarks and silently accepted his order whilst they laughed at his buns. picturing it only made you angrier, fists balling and blood rushing through your ears.

“baby, please calm down,” your husband called, hot on your heels. you were only a couple of shops away, and he absolutely did not want to make a scene. he took hold of your arm and gently pulled you towards him, grabbing your other hand in his too.

“my love, it’s okay, just let it go,” he urged. you looked at his face and you saw the slight shine in his eyes, and you were about to turn to straight back around. choso only tightens his hold on you and his hand moves up to hold your face.

“they’re just miserable people, not worth wasting your time on them baby.”

“you would do the same for me cho, i’m not hearing it!”

“i absolutely would, but the workers were young, and i don’t want you getting in trouble for fighting a bunch of kids,” he stressed. “let’s just go home and cuddle, and order takeout or something. please.”

the discomfort of going back inside the shop was written all over his face, and you really didn’t want to make choso’s day harder or worse than it already was. your husband deserved the world, and it made your heart break, knowing that there were people being mean to him. sighing, you lean up and press a soft kiss to the bridge of choso’s nose, right where his mark is.

“okay,” you relent. “let’s go home.”

choso kisses your hand and smiles at you, relief written all over his face.

“you didn’t deserve that choso, i’m really sorry they said all those horrible things to you.”

“’s fine,” he says dismissing it. “my wonderful wife did my hair and tells me how gorgeous she thinks i am every minute of the day. some silly teenager’s words won’t affect me.”

it was easy to see the words had affected him more than he let on, but for now, you decided to let it go. tomorrow you’d talk to him and offer reassurance properly and make his day extra special, but for now you’d let it go, seeing how clearly he wanted to leave it behind.

holding onto his hand, you both turned around and started making your way back home, discussing what you guys should order, already feeling lighter.

“oh babe, let’s invite yuuji over, we could have a family dinner,” you suggested, knowing if there was one thing that would cheer him up, it would be his brother. your husband’s face immediately lights up and he beams at you, nodding his head enthusiastically and agreeing.

it’s sorted then, cuddles with you, then takeout as a family, and then some more cuddles with you both whilst watching a movie.

extra note : geto put pickles on your pastry thinking it was gojo's when he came over the day before. gojo had been annoying him all week, so he decided to hit him where it hurt. when he found out it was yours, he felt terrible and brought extra pastries for you when he next came round.

© ffsg0jo 2024 — do not plagiarise, repost, modify, or translate any of my work, in any way shape or form; i will piss in your cereal if you do. all work belongs to me and me only.

[luveline]

What would happen if Roan went through a phase of calling Eddie by his name instead of dad because she hears reader and Wayne calling him it?

(This was loosely inspired by this TikTok https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJqukwNU/)

thank you for your request! eddie and roan —roan starts calling eddie by his first name and he doesn't know how to feel. fem!reader, 1.5k

"Eddie? You want horseradish?" Wayne asks, wiping his hands in a rag. 

Your eyes widen as Roan leaps up into your lap. You wrap your arms around her and almost get your teeth knocked out as she makes herself comfortable, one of her high ponytails tickling your cheek. Your laughter shakes you both. 

"Yeah, please. Ro, horseradish?" Eddie asks, standing behind the chair next to yours, hand out to receive the jar of horseradish. 

He takes the spoon. Roan settles at a sideways angle, giving you an ample view of her wrinkled nose. "No thanks, that stuff is stinky." 

"You can't have tenderloin without horseradish, sweetheart," Wayne says, putting your plate in front of you. Fragrant steam wafts your way. "Now come on, sit in your own seat." 

Roan sighs and turns to you morosely. "They always do this." 

"They're tearing us apart," you say agreeably, fondly, rubbing her arm before lifting her from your lap and into the seat right beside you. 

"They don't do anything. Horseradish smells a little strong, but that doesn't mean it isn't really, really yummy," Eddie says, sitting in the seat to your left. 

It's dark outside, later than you intended to eat. Wayne and Eddie went out looking for ground beef to make meatballs and came back with beef tenderloin instead, which takes way longer to cook. It's been a nice evening while you were waiting, filled with VHS kids movies, conversation, and a secret bowl of hard pretzels. 

"You said those pickled onions were yummy, too," Roan says, clearly disbelieving as Wayne puts her plate down in front of her. 

"They're an acquired taste," Eddie says. 

"A what?" Roan asks. 

"They're not for everybody," Wayne explains. "Do you need help cutting your dinner?" 

"It's okay," Roan says, picking up her fork eagerly. The tines look longer, more dangerous in her small hand, but you've learned not to worry. 

"Come on, sweetheart, I'll cut it up for you," Eddie says, rolling up his sleeves. 

You pick up your drink as Wayne offers it with a thank you, eyes closing in momentary bliss. Wayne makes the best sweet tea, and he doesn't skimp on the ice.

"No thank you, Eddie," Roan says, stabbing a piece of tenderloin. The fork scratches across the plate. Unbothered, she brings the beef to her mouth. 

You almost choke on your drink. 

"Excuse me?" Eddie asks. 

You laugh. Wayne sits down for the first time in the last hour and tucks in his chair, shaking his head in defeat as he grabs for the horseradish and begins spooning it onto his plate. 

"I said no thanks," Roan repeats around a nibble of beef. 

"I heard that part. What did you call me?"

"What, Eddie?" Roan asks. A little smile has her lips tilting upward, a fleck of beef on her chin. It's evidence that she knows what she's done. 

You lean over to wipe her chin. "Oh no." 

"No thank you dad," Eddie says emphatically. "Dad, daddy, hell, I'll accept papa." 

"Everybody else calls you Eddie," Roan says, shrugging little shoulders, her hair bouncing either side of her face. 

"I'm not everybody else's dad," Eddie says, slipping between your chair and Roan's. He sounds strange —not upset but shocked, an unusual colour on him. He eases the knife and fork out of her hands and begins slicing up her food into smaller bites. "I'm your dad."

"Okie dokie, Eddie." 

You can see Eddie sticking his tongue in his cheek while he stands there. He isn't mad; he rarely gets angry over things like this, and even less with Roan. Doesn't mean he likes what's happening, though. 

The evening continues like that. Roan can tell Eddie doesn't like being called by his name and it eggs her on. By the end of the night she's smirking every time she speaks to him, Wayne's clearly amused, and you're not sure how to feel. 

You have to use the bathroom, catching Eddie on the way back with a kind hand on his wrist. 

"Hey, handsome," you say, looking over the soft slopes of his cheeks, his puppy dog browns, his brows where they've furrowed. You stroke the pulsing vein bisecting his forehead in concern. "You cool?" 

"Why is she calling me Eddie?" he asks, shaking his head gently.

"'Cos she could tell you didn't like it. Want me to ask her to cut it out?"

Eddie nudges you. He's dressed nice for a day at home, a slightly too tight t-shirt bragging the lines of his chest and stretched at the curves of his biceps. You tug on one mindlessly. 

"No. Maybe I'll start calling her daughter, see if that works. Or tell her she can't call me dad, reverse psychology." 

"Probably shouldn't." 

"No, I shouldn't." He covers your hand at his sleeve. "Thanks for worrying about me, but it's fine." His face inches closer to yours. "It's kind of funny. I guess I just got so used to being called dad I didn't realise I'd miss it this fast." 

"She'll forget it by tomorrow," you assure him, closing your eyes quick as he presses a good kiss to the corner of your mouth. More than a year down the line and still his kisses make your heart skip. 

"She better." 

Eddie steals another kiss before giving your hand a finger-tingling squeeze and ditching you for the bathroom. 

You return to the living room faster than Roan must anticipate, catching her crouched by the doorway, eavesdropping. You raise your eyebrows at her.

"Whatcha looking for, gorgeous?" 

Roan looks as though she might pretend otherwise, but eventually admits, "I heard what dad said." 

"Which part?" 

"That he misses being called dad. Am I in trouble?" 

"Do you feel like you're in trouble?" you ask, bending at the waist to meet her eyes.

"No, but," —she touches her tummy— "I feel bad." 

You hold your arms out for a hug. Roan grabs your waist as much as she can with her shorter arms, head tilted to the side as you murmur in her ear, "It was only a joke, babe. Right? You were just being funny. Daddy doesn't mind." 

"Are you sure?" 

"You're so lovely," you praise, easing her head back, your hand encapsulating her cheek and ear. Her hair and skin are incredibly soft beneath your palm. "You have a super big heart, just like daddy. It's no biggie, okay? Ask him when he comes back if you want to. I know he'll tell you you're not in trouble." 

You rub the apple of her cheek in a tight circle as you stand. Roan nods against your hand, her back straightening as the bathroom door closes and Eddie's footsteps approach. He beams when he discovers you both together.

"Everything okay?" he asks, wiping his hands in his shirt. 

You encourage Roan toward him. "Tell dad." 

"Tell me what?" he asks. 

Roan puts her hand out toward him. You make you way to the kitchen as Eddie takes it. 

Wayne's smoking a cigarette by the open back door, smoke furling lazily from between his fingers and out into the backyard. 

You turn your attention to Eddie pulling Roan up onto his hip, poking at her sweetheart chin. "Babe?" he asks her. 

"You're good with her," Wayne says, flicking Ash haphazard into the breeze. "I don't think I've ever told you that. You can see how much she trusts you." 

Internally, you glow like the heart of star, joy like an intense and sparkling heat. Externally, you stay cool. Wayne is a chill man. You endeavour to be totally chill. 

"Thank you," you say, crossing your arms across your stomach. "I have a really good teacher." 

Wayne brings his cigarette to his lips. "You do," he says, taking a drag through his smile. He looks past you to where Eddie's standing, his arm holding Roan like a seatbelt to his chest. 

"Sorry if I hurt your feelings," Roan says quietly, looking down at his shoulder.

Eddie nudges her face with his, forcing her to look up. Her hesitance melts away at the loving smile on his face, more so when he says, "You didn't hurt my feelings, superstar. Don't get me wrong, I don't want you to call me Eddie 'cos I'm your dad. That's nice for me. It feels kind of like getting a hug. It makes me really proud 'cos it's you, but I was just being dramatic. You'll get it when you're older, all the grown up junk." 

It's charming to hear his attempt at explaining sentimentality. 

"Plus," Eddie whispers, nose to nose with her, "it was a little funny." 

Roan presents her face for kissing. Eddie plants a big one on either cheek. 

"I love you," he says.

"I love you too, dad." Roan fidgets. "What about if I can call you Eddie on the weekends?" 

"I'll have to think about it."

[accioscarheadthings]

How are you? 😊

Please a Kenji Sato x American shy!reader? They’re dating and Kenji took her to Japan for the first time and shows her around. (I never went to Japan before & me don’t like sushi or spicy 😂). When shy!reader was walking around Japan and went to the tallest building or just an abandoned building to watch the stars or the moon but accidentally fell but thankfully Kenji saves her just in time as Ultraman, telling her, “theirs my girl”

https://youtu.be/hHkkwx0ZWXI?si=B0I-MsoR5hgbYq7N

hello love!! i'm great. thank you for asking. how are you? <3

of course, i hope you like this one;) sry that this ne took too long, wi was caught up with college. lemme know if there are any errors.

My stupid

pairing: kenji x shy!gf!reader

this contains: loads of fluff, use of petnames (baby, babe, sweetheart)

summary: kenji takes you to japan for the first time and shows you around. when you go to a building for stargazing, you don't pay attention to your surroundings and accidentally trip off the buidling.

masterlist !

you walked through the bustling streets of tokyo alongside kenji, feeling the city's vibrant energy envelope you. you clutched his arm tightly, a mix of excitement and nervousness coursing through you.

kenji glanced down at you, a warm smile on his face, "impressed?" he asked, his voice low and soothing.

you nodded, your eyes wide as you took in the vibrant scene. the city was a sensory overload, with its bright lights, colorful billboards, and the constant hum of activity.

"it's so different from home," you finally managed to say, your voice laced with awe.

kenji squeezed your hand reassuringly, "that's Tokyo for you," he responded, a hint of pride in his voice, "but there's so much more to japan than just the big cities,"

kenji took you on a culinary adventure through various restaurants and eateries, eager to introduce you to the diverse range of japanese cuisine.

some dishes, like the tender, buttery slices of tonkatsu, were delightful. however, others, such as the tangy taste of takuan pickles, were an acquired taste.

one dish, however, proved to be a unanimous dislike – sushi. the thought of eating raw fish made you wrinkle your nose in disdain.

kenji noticed a bit of food at the corner of your mouth, swallowing his bite of steak.

"what?" you blinked at him, trying to bat at your mouth, "do i have something on my face?"

"let me," kenji leaned over from the opposite of the table, his hand resting low on the column of your neck to hold you in place.

he closed his mouth at the edge of your lips, tongue caressing softly to get the crumb on your face.

a group of people passing by identified him, whispering between themselves and wolf-whistling at the intimate moment between you both.

when he pulled back, you felt the blood rush to your face as you stared down at your food with wide eyes, "i-you did not-" you stammered at a loss of words, "t-that was unnecessary,"

kenji sat back in his seat, his lips curling in a smug grin. he slung his arm over the head of his chair, "not if it can get you all bothered and cute,"

you felt your lips tug up, your resolve faltering, "shut up," you kicked his legs under the table when he chuckled in adoration.

as the night drew to a close, kenji took you to the rooftop of a building, a secret spot he loved to visit at the edge of the city, away from the crowd.

the view was breathtaking – stars twinkling overhead and the cityscape stretching out below.

you both laid down on the cool concert, snuggled against each other for warmth. a comfortable silence fell between you as you simply took in the moment's beauty, staring up at the stars.

"this is beautiful," you murmured, breaking the silence.

kenji turned his head to look at you, a fond smile on his face, "i knew you would love it," he replied, shifting closer to you, "there's something magical about watching the stars from here,"

you snuggled deeper into his side, feeling warm and content. your eyes closed in a sigh when he pressed a kiss on your temple.

the two of you shared a set of earphones, heads bobbing together to the music playing as you pointed at the constellations and random shapes the stars lined up to form.

just then, kenji's watch beeped, alerting him about a kaiju attack, he sat up immediately, making you follow his actions.

kenji placed his side of the earphones on your other ear, the soft music from his watch filling your ears. he leaned in and gently kissed you, his touch warm, affectionate, and apologizing for the interruption.

"I have to go deal with a situation as ultraman," he whispered in your ear, his voice serious.

you nodded, understanding the necessity of his duties. as he walked away, you continued to watch the stars, lost in thought and the gentle melody playing in your ears.

after a while, you began wandering in the small space of the terrace, listening to your song and feeling the night wind hit your face.

suddenly, the realization of your surroundings hit you like a wave. You had been so engrossed in the music that you hadn't noticed that you had inched closer to the edge of the rooftop.

the ground below loomed like a menacing abyss, its depths obscured by the darkness of the night.

startled, you took a step back, but it was too late.

you teetered on the edge, the weight of your body tipping you precariously over the drop.

in the nick of time, a pair of strong hands cupped and caught your body, preventing you from falling any further.

the music in your ears abruptly cut off, replaced by a familiar voice.

"there's my girl," ultraman murmured, his tone a mixture of relief and admonishment.

you stared up at his metal suit, his eyes glowing, and tried to calm down your breathing from the rush of the fall.

ultraman slowly set you on top of the building before transforming back to his human form. he stood in front of you, holding your face in worry, "you're not hurt, aren't you? thank goodness i made it back in time,"

but you didn't answer him; the realization of your stupidity sunk in, and you couldn't help but laugh at your own foolishness.

"i really am stupid, am I?" you said, a hint of sheepishness in your voice.

kenji had a soft smile playing on his lips, his raven bangs blowing in the wind, "yeah, you are," he replied, his voice affectionate. "but you're my stupid,"

you felt a pang of affection in your heart at his words, and a small smile tugged at the corners of your lips, "and you're stuck with me," you say, unable to resist teasing him a little.

kenji chuckled, his eyes glistening with mirth, "that I am," he confirmed, closing the gap between you by pulling you closer, "and I wouldn't have it any other way,"

[maybeelse]

Supermarket Stillness

There's a mildly embarrassing shelf tucked away in the back of the supermarket, past the jars of pickled spells and the bottles of five-hour-Stillness. It's part of the store you've always been dimly aware of, but why would you ever need to buy some freeze-dried Purpose?

Well, today you have a reason.

You don't linger in front of it, just grab the first vacuum-sealed bag that looks right and try not to meet the cashier's eye as their hands blur through scanning it and all your other groceries.

You're sure they've seen far worse. It still sucks.

---

Back at home, your house-guest's wings twitch as she stares at the proffered bag.

"Seriously?"

"I just, I thought ... you said you needed some?"

"Yeah, but not this shit. I've tried it before, it's barely better than an MMO." She pauses for a moment, eyes you. "Or methadone."

"... oh."

"Like, I appreciate the thought," she continues as her broken halo sways above her head, "it just wouldn't help me at all. I'm sure it would blow you away, you've never even tried it, have you?"

You shake your head. "No, uh, everyone always said not to."

"Ha! They were probably right. Little thing like you's better off not fucking with that part of of the world."

"... yeah."

After that the conversation trails off into the usual day-to-day space-filling, words that hardly matter and mean less; a pantomime of connection.

You tuck the little vacuum sealed bag in the back of a cupboard (it cost too much to throw away, no matter how useless it is!) and try to forget about it.

---

Time passes, as time is wont to do.

Your house-guest leaves a few weeks later.

It's nothing to do with you, she explains. She's grateful that you were able to give her a place to stay, she's never liked having to rough it with the feral angels. But no matter those fleeting moments stolen in the depths of night, she needs something more than you can give.

She mentions that she's going across the city to live in one of the witch-houses, a place where she thinks she'll find what she needs. You wish her well, of course you do, and then ...

Your little apartment is empty again.

She stops replying to your texts after a few weeks.

That's how it goes, isn't it? There's hardly anything something like you can offer to someone like her. You're just a freeze-dried, mass-produced substitute discarded as soon as something better comes along; a worthless thing sinking deeper into depression's spiral.

A month later you're using a sudden upswing to clean out all the junk that's accumulated in your cupboards—all the almost-empty boxes, the dented cans and expired jars; the detritus of your dreams of Doing Things In The Kitchen—when you stumble across the bag of Purpose again.

It really doesn't look appetizing at all, even with the bright words and little cartoon halo on its label. Really, what were you thinking trying to offer it to a proper angel?

You really should just throw it away, but ...

You pause right before tossing it into the can.

Because, really, it would be a shame to just waste so much money on something you never try, wouldn't it? It would be a Waste, and that's so very close to a sin.

Just one taste couldn't hurt, just the tiniest morsel. Just to know what you've been missing out on. It'll be fine.

[emmyrosee]

Since I don't know Chifuyu that well - would he be freaked out by weird period cravings? I like to eat sweet with savory so eating really intensely flavored cheese with jam is an absolute must... or having pickled herring as well as chocolate mousse for breakfast... what do you think he'd do if he woke up to you eating that?

Omg chifuyu my beloved-

Okay so. There’s nothing you could do to, or around this man to make him be weirded out by you. There is no craving, no hobby, no bodily function that could drive him away from you.

And if he comes into the kitchen in the morning and sees you chowing down on chocolate mousse with Doritos dipped in it, pickled herring right next to it and lemonade in a cup for sipping, he merely smiles, presses a kiss to your head and asks you how you’re feeling.

“Hey baby,” he whispers, voice raspy from the morning. “How’s the grub?”

“Shoooooo good,” you hum, voice muffled from your cheeks being filled.

Hes extremely open to getting you your late night cravings, more than down to take you anywhere and everywhere to satisfy you’re cravings. You literally go through this every month- the LEAST he could do is get you gummy worms and iced coffee when you ask

But these open thoughts slowly come to a halt when you ask him to try your period craving foods.

You grab him by the wrist and guide him to the kitchen, and he feels his heart spike. He winces as you plop him in front of the counter, rubbing your hands together and presenting him with a grilled cheese with frosted corn flakes and Cheetos on it.

“Uh…”

“Baby, it’s so good,” you assure, blinking up at him. “Like, the smell alone is making my mouth water.”

“So why don’t you eat-“

“Okay,” you interrupt, grabbing the sandwich and taking a bite. Your eyes close happily at the taste, and you hum in delight, while Chifuyu’s eyes merely widen in surprised. He’d… honestly thought you were joking. “Here,” you say, one hand covering your mouthful of food, the other passing him the sandwich. “Just try it, baby.”

He chuckles and takes the sandwich from you, “you’re uh… real creative with the food combos, aren’t you?” You smile and nod, and he sighs as he takes a bite.

The assortment of textures is more than plenty to put fear back into him- between the sweetness of the corn flake and the crunch of a Cheeto, his teeth come down, and he pauses.

You laugh.

You’re cruel.

He decides to finish chomping down on his bite, trying to ignore the taste and focus on making you happy. Hands toss down the sandwich before bracing himself against the countertop.

Cheese and corn flake will haunt his dreams tonight, but that’s another situation for a different time.

For now, you’re watching with excited eyes as he manages to swallow the bite of sandwich, wincing softly before shuddering. He clears his throat, “that’s… a lot of textures.”

You press a kiss to his cheek, “you’re such a good sport,” you assure, only to then take a small, playful bite of his cheek.

He snickers, “hey. No eating the husband.”

“But you’re soooo yummy,” you tease.

He tosses an arm around you, “I know, but I can’t be having to explain the bite marks to the boys again.”

You pout. He looks you up and down.

“Okay,” he surrenders. “Maybe a few bites.”

[gaspshichat]

pearl quotes !!

i write down a lot of pearl quotes and sometimes share them in her discord server. i've decided to put every single one i've gathered into one tumblr post. i will reblog the most recent addition every saturday with any new quotes that i have acquired. you can also send me quotes in my ask box or my dms on twitter [username is gaspshichat, like usual]. no guarantees that they'll be added though!

a lot of these quotes are sus and very out of context. that is part of the point! if pearl wants me to delete this, i absolutely will

[before it gets asked, karn is her bestie boyfriend]

~|•🌙•|~

pearl: before we do that let me restock my balls

~

pearl: ooh there's things happening on the ser- A BEACON ????

~

pearl: don't thank me because i didn't approve of it

~

pearl: i hope you guys understood what i said because i didn't

~

pearl: "you killed a frog?" yup! it was for science......let it be known that is a terrible excuse in real life

~

pearl: "do you take iron tablets?" i have them!

~

pearl to keralis: well you're a letdown but i don't talk about that

~

pearl: fix ai, make them breedable

~

pearl: i got the double p! please don't acronym that

~

pearl: "do you use slabs in terraforming?" *zooms in on a slab she used for terraforming* no

~

pearl: "don't sell yourself short" it's okay i'm tall

~

pearl: they don't bite! much..

~

pearl: doc owes me child support!

*long, stunned silence*

cleo: ....okay….

~

cleo: so keralis did the kidnapping, and you did kidnapping by proxy

pearl: ...no

~

pearl: it was a heart of mutton. it was creepy

cleo: it was a meat heart :D

~

cleo: i want to mail horrible things, like animals, to iskall

pearl: oh! that's horrid

~

pearl: "you charge your other mats rent?" yes

~

pearl: i don't know if this is lag or if my balls are just popping in really slowly

~

pearl: these balls ain't going away

~

pearl: let me move my balls aside for you

~

pearl: hello ♪

karn: is it me you're looking for ♪

pearl: no ♪

karn: oh :(

~

pearl: i don't need a big, strong man to kill me

~

pearl: turn down the thing you need to turn down...you know what it is

~

karn: i fractured the world from what i can tell

pearl: ..bruh

~

pearl: what does the button do?

karn: THE BUTTON SHUTS THE DOORS ON US AND SPAWNS A BUNCH OF MOBS

pearl: i pushed the button hehe

~

pearl: cleo made the child

false: ...the child?

pearl: yeah :D it's a bebe

~

pearl: "why are there beach umbrellas at the post office?" *long pause* maybe it's because of all the water?

~

pearl: you caught me mid construction

gem: i know >:3

~

pearl: he's letting his babies loose

~

gem: look at you up there. you're adorable *punches her*

pearl: aH-

~

pearl: i am greatly navigationally challenged right now

~

pearl: i got too comfortable with hermitcraft actually working

~

pearl: ah! moist!

~

pearl: anyway that's completely distracted me away from my really passionate rockies

~

pearl: we have pickles to do !!

~

karn: let's not sit on the balls

pearl: 🤨

karn: *holds up cat toys*

pearl: oh- *starts laughing and hides her very red face*

~

pearl: just shove it in

~

pearl: how do you know what brimstone tastes like

karn: i've lived quite the life

~

pearl: give it a suck

~

pearl: our feet are not equal

karn: why are you bringing our feet into this ??

~

pearl: i could give you the australian bestie word-

karn, oblivious: alright

pearl: -but it's not pg

karn, realizing: ahhh

~

karn: it's a mental thing, you see

pearl: oh

karn: yes, i'm mentally stuck here

pearl: i see

karn: yes, i'm in a position where i don't want to leave-

pearl: that's very intense for a friend

~

karn: it's just as sweet as you

pearl: don't butter me up

karn: too late!

~

pearl: i'm flee with extra flee

~

karn: you okay, my dear?

pearl: *sobbing*

~

pearl: did you pee in the ocean?

karn, instantly: yes

~

pearl: stop wasting your bullets!

karn: sorry ☹️

~

pearl: did you think his ass was his face ????

~

pearl: in what realm is a butthole a face ????

karn: *trying to explain*

pearl: babe :I

~

pearl: take that you stupid ass robot

~

karn: on the count of three. one-

pearl: *starts blasting*

~

pearl: stupid ass spider

~

pearl: a butt is clearly defined by two cheeks, a hole, and a tail!

~

pearl: [karn] is very special. in multiple ways

[heartsformars]

Hi! Can you please do the ramshackle trio, which are Skipp, Vinnie & Stone with a fem s/o who comes from the rich. Unlike the rich people, she doesn't seem the poor as inferior but human beings. She EXTREMELY SHY & doesn't know how to talk to people but she is kind & gentls as you get to know her. Plus she possesses an angelic beauty & a good singer. Sorry if this request is long.

Her outfit is this:

Heaven is missing an angel… ramshackle trio x fem! shy! Reader

A/N: Hi, I don't know if you wanted them separately or together but I wrote them separately because it is more comfortable for me to write them this way, but if you want me to write them again there is no problem

TW: stealing and gambling mentioned, bad jokes, vinnie being vinnie… again

───────────── ✿

SKIPP

-You share his musical taste and he loves that! -He'll probably play songs for you while you sing, although if you're a little embarrassed he won't force you to. - you and him would definitely be that kind of duo where one talks more than the other. On any given date skipp would probably be telling his fifth story of the day or telling you about the things he likes while you just listen while sipping tea or coffee (or whatever drink you like). -He doesn't care if you're shy, he'll always be sure to give you a push to encourage you to talk to more people. -Even if it doesn't always work out and ends up being a disaster he will always be there to cheer you up at the end of the day. -he LOVES your fashion style. -probably mentioned it to you several times but you never knew how to respond in a coherent way. -until one day you gave him an outfit that matched yours -and he LOVES it -you probably always see him in those clothes when you go on dates and he'll make sure they don't get torn or damaged too much. -will always be sure to keep the things you give him in good condition. -although vinnie has accidentally pawned a few of them -from that time on all the gifts you give him will be kept with a "Do not touch" note.

───────────── ✿

STONE

-probably won't think much of your shyness at first. -however, later on he may have doubts about it, he will not ask tho -he won't admit it but your voice relaxes him too much. After a crappy day he probably ends up falling asleep when you're asking him how his day was. -He denies affection too much, so when you give him things as gifts he'll act like he's not interested or even kind of annoyed that you spent money on him. (but you can see him smiling as he turns away.) -he's definitely a softie out of that whole "I'm not interested in other people" shell, so don't feel bad when he acts aloof, he just doesn't know how to express how much he appreciates you. -he never really cared about the way you dressed, it was nice and fancy like all the other rich people in ramshackle. -although if you give him a suit that matches yours he won't mind at all. -he probably won't wear it often, but he'll always keep it in a place where it won't get dirty or broken by rats. -he has flaws, of course, but you still love your sadboi no matter what.

───────────── ✿

VINNIE

"Ermm excuse me, she asked for no pickles" ahh relationship 💀💀💀 -But no kidding, I feel like vinnie wouldn't pick up much that you're shy, you're just more reserved. -so don't be surprised when you find her shouting out things that you consider embarrassing but (according to her) are normal. -although obviously if you tell her someday she'll try to stop doing it, although it still gets away from her sometimes -Another person who LOVES your voice, whether it's a date or they're just hanging out, will encourage you to sing something just to hear you. -probably always admitting to liking your voice while you're dying of embarrassment. -Vinnie doesn't take hints very well. -I mean, outside of the basic secret steal signals if you tell her something like "the moon is beautiful, isn’t it?" she'll probably be like "yeah uh-huh." -although she'll start to pick up on them eventually, don't worry, she learns fast. -just like stone I feel like at first he didn't pay much attention to the way you were dressed, but she thought it was cute -I feel she wouldn't like wearing dresses so much, it's not comfortable to steal with those things on. -but if you give her one, she will try to wear it on occasions to look more decent, especially on dates. -although she would keep it in a special place with the other things you gave her as a present. -at first skipp and stone were hesitant to see her wearing so many expensive things -suspecting if she'd gotten lucky ripping off gamblers or if she'd stolen something REALLY expensive -although eventually they will realize it’s just her fancy gf giving her gifts

-and they’re fine with it until it’s practically vinnie drowning them out by mentioning you even before they go to sleep

-“oh and y/n is very cute and-“ AND you have stone covering himself (what is supposed to be) a pillow and skipp just telling her very politely that he wants to sleep

-but at the end of the day she’s happy with you, no matter what

—bye this actually took me so long is embarrassing but I didn’t have much time to write so SORRY!! But I have more free time so ig I’m just gonna finish some hcs & oneshots that I just left there lol

[morningstargirl666]

WIP WEDNESDAY

Rewriting what was the old chapter 22 of TBBW (1920s Dance, Woo Woo!) and the last half, the klaroline half, has become a chapter all on its own. It's really building up to be one of my favourite chapters in the entire fic, and it's partly because I read @kirythestitchwitch's Crash Course which made me crave a cheeseburger so badly I wrote it into this fic. So here's a sneak peak --- don't let the fluff fool you, this chapter has its fair share of angst hehehe

“You know, I’m really surprised you didn’t insist on paying,” Caroline commented, unwrapping the paper around her cheeseburger as she settled back on the bonnet of Klaus’ car.

Klaus sat beside her, unwrapping his own burger as he stretched his legs out in front of him, one leg hanging off the side and resting on the upwards curve of the rim that snaked above the front wheels. Caroline leant back against the glass of the windscreen, relaxing into her spot as the sweet, steaming smell of the burger hit her — two seasoned patties topped with melted slices of creamy, cheesy goodness calling out to her from their package in a perfectly toasted, soft sesame seed bun, stuffed with crisp, curly lettuce and slices of fresh tomato. Up above, the light pollution from Mystic Falls was less intense so far away from the town, parked outside a quiet diner just off the Jackson highway. The stars were beginning to peak out from behind the clouds, the moon a quarter-full and shining down on them from the night sky above. Behind them, the warm glow of the diner spilled out onto the parking lot, employees wiping down tables and serving the odd exhausted truck driver behind the glass, like one gigantic, square-shaped fish bowl. The neon lights of the diner’s name, Wayback Burgers, flashed and flickered in the dark, reflecting red and blue light onto the wet pavement. 

“And why’s that?” Klaus asked, licking his thumb where the various condiments and sauces had leaked out of his large, triple stacked bacon cheeseburger and onto his hand. She’d felt weird ordering him nothing at the drive thru after she’d asked for the cheeseburger and fries, impulsively buying a milkshake to wash it all down with too. So she’d turned to him and asked if he’d wanted anything, and with some hesitancy, he’d ordered one of the meatiest burgers on the menu.

It was weird. The choice prodded something in her brain, seeming familiar. It was only when they got their burgers, Klaus eyeing his with a hunger that looked out of place on a vampire, that she realised why.

Tyler always ordered the meatiest thing on the menu too. Burgers, ribs, steak, chicken wings — it didn’t matter where they bought lunch, if there was an option to eat like a hungry pack of hyenas, he’d take it. Klaus had slightly more decorum, but the look was exactly the same.

“I don’t know. Aren’t you supposed to be ancient?” she shot at him, setting the wrapping in her lap and taking her first bite of her burger. She sighed in bliss the moment the taste hit her tongue — it was truly a magnificent burger. The patties were seasoned to perfection, falling apart in her mouth, cheese melted onto them. The tomatoes and lettuce were fresh but not soggy, and the pickles buried beneath it all had an acid tang that balanced the whole thing out. “Old people are always moaning chivalry is dead,” she finished, holding a hand up to cover her mouth as she spoke around her food.

“And I seemed like the type?” he asked, glancing at her with a raised brow. His voice dropped to a dry drawl. “Why? Because I’m old or because I’m dead?”

She grinned, cheeks full of food. “Both,” she informed him happily, before chewing the last of it and swallowing. Klaus grunted, finally taking a bite out of his burger. Like her, he seemed to melt into the taste, some of the tension in his shoulders easing. She shrugged, eyeing him consideringly before turning her gaze back to her burger, folding down the wrapping. “Most guys get weird when I offer to pay.”

Tyler normally did. Matt had. Since both boys were on opposite sides of the financial spectrum, she kinda figured it wasn’t because of the money.

He looked at her then, searching her face for something. He swallowed his food before he spoke. “Did you want me to pay?”

She shook her head. “No. It was my idea to drag you out here. And you’re giving me a lift home after my car broke down even though I’ve rejected you like, a bajillion times. Least I could do was buy you a burger,” she teased, smile strained.

They hadn’t spoken about it, on the drive here. This thing between them; his jealousy towards Tyler and cruel actions earlier that night; the dozens of hesitant advances, if unwanted on her part. They weren’t friends.

Problem was, Caroline wasn’t sure if they were enemies either. 

Enemies didn’t show each other their personal artwork or unfinished sketches that were hidden away from even their family’s prying eyes. Enemies didn’t sit on a public bench and discuss lost dreams. And they certainly didn’t buy burgers at drive-thrus and eat them together under the starlit sky.

Klaus sighed, but didn’t seem offended. “I don’t think it was quite a bajillion times.”

“Yet,” she corrected cheekily, taking a big bite into her burger.

Instead of the scowl she expected, Klaus smiled fondly, following her lead and taking a bite too.

[samstclair]

Joel Miller's Survivor

Joel Miller X Reader

Anonymous Request

"Hey Sam! Hope you're still alive. You've been like ghost, and I'm getting worried about my request not being fulfilled, AND your health, of course or whatever! Yeah so can you get to it already? Joel X reader, simple. Can you make Y/N be like traveling with them or some shit? I don't know. But do your thing when you've crawled out of your hole!"

Word Count: long bro

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you lied in your bed, rotting (you have not gotten up in the three hours you've been awake [so now it's almost 12 in the afternoon]), feeling like absolute dog shit for:

1. your empty tummy, 

2. not having showered in a week despite you paying your water bills, 

3. your internet running at the speed of a geriatric snail so no more fan-cam edits, ALSO despite paying your internet bills, 

3. just feeling like an overall ball of grease and oil that could, if necessary, fill a car's gas tank, 

4. not having gotten up in those three hours, 

and 5., perhaps most importantly, the world ending :(

you gazed out your window into the morning (afternoon, actually), light that peered through. It was scenic really, little puffs of dust, some asbestos tinkled in, gliding softly in the air. It hit you - this is not fun or fresh. This sucks dick, actually. 

You rose, stretching, a big big biiiiigggggg stretch, cracking every conceivable bone in your body, trying to avoid looking in the mirror that could potentially reveal your physically-troubled state. You didn't even have to look to know the condition your hair was in - actually let's not talk about the hair. You'll spiral. If we can't see it, it's not real :D

"Fleabag said it best. Hair IS everything," you thought to yourself, thinking about avoiding the mirror. "Oh my god I could SOOOOO binge Fleabag right now -"

But you knew that wasn't an available way to veg out. As mentioned before, your power, water, and internet were out. You supposed it came with the world ending and all. 

"Grrrjsdjaksdfnbdsjdskjjfs," your tummy said. You cradled it like a mother holding her child. 

"Mama needs to eat soon...", you thought wearily.

You rose and peered out the window - and it was the same old shit. Those cracked-out girlies were still on the prowl, being the biggest cockblocks you've ever encountered in your life for some good food. 

"But girl, we gotta eat! We have to soon," your brain said. "You can't keep this shit up! REAL calories and shit actually do matter!"

"But bitch how? Those fat asses on the street are gonna try to toss up with you again!" the other side of your brain said. 

"So what? You're gonna keep living off three-month old Halloween candy?? Those Twix's are tasting more like the processed chocolate that they are every DAY! Stop playing around and gaslighting yourself into thinking they're good, girl!" the other side argued back. "THINK about it. You bought those to sneak in to watching Dune in theaters. And not even the second Dune, the first. They're literally vintage." 

"What's stomach gotta say?" the other side shot back, quite angrily. 

"Grhjdkajdjsjdfoifdiosiojf," your stomach replied. You knew what that meant a little all too well - your stomach couldn't take it anymore. She wasn't even sentient enough to respond.

"FUCK!" you bursted aloud! So loud that the cracked-out girlies out on the street got startled and did a little jump! 

You absolutely HATED being hungry. If this experience had taught you anything, it's the appreciation of a good ass fucking meal. You were, after all, a self-proclaimed 'fat ass bitch'. So how were you gonna live up to that now? 

You began to reminisce about your favorite dishes, even though you knew it wasn't gonna be a good idea for your mental health. 

Bandeja paisa...

Pickles...

McDonald's cheeseburger with Big Mac sauce...plz McDonald's worker, don't forget the sauce........

Publix sub...

Mango chunks with tajin...

Provolone cheese and salami...

Korean corndogs...

A fat ass burrito...

Little Caesars breadsticks...

Auntie Anne's organic cinnamon rolls...

Vodka pasta...

Coconut chickpea curry...

...a bowl of assorted fruit but none of that honeydew cantaloupe bullshit...

"FUCK!" you yelled again. They also jumped! again. "How the FUCK did I go from drinking tiki cocktails on the beach to the WALKING FUCKING DEAD?!?!?!?!??!!!!! I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING RICK HERE PROVIDING FOR ME!!!"

You slammed yourself back on the bed, ready to cry - both from the acceptance that this was your new reality and slamming yourself a little too hard that you felt a spring bust up into your thoracic spine. You hated yourself for talking shit about that cantaloupe and honeydew. Yeah they're ass and should NOT have a place in a fruit bowl but that was real fucking food. Real SUSTENANCE!!! And what did you do? You fed it to the fucking seagulls on the beach and used it to pelt those fuck ass middle schoolers who wouldn't stop quoting Adin Ross, when you could have enjoyed it yourself. Had it been now, you would've Iron Clawed those birds and children for those two dookie ass fruits just for a taste of something REAL. Not moldy chocolate from a Costco bag that you snuck into Lynch's Dune. (Yeah girl, I'm not talking the Timothee one. I'm taking the Kyle MacLachlan one. I said they were vintage!)

How did we get here?

Well, we'll revisit this question later, cause right now you have come to one FINAL decision - food. You. Need. Food. 

"Fuck it bro," you told yourself, tears welling in your eyes as you climbed out of your bed and made your way downstairs to the exit. "If there's no fine-ass cowboy police officer with a big ass nose to do it for me, I guess mama gotta do it herself." 

You slipped on your old-reliable Crocs (the Lightening McQueen editions so you could go fast), then opened your back sliding glass door as to avoid the crackhead girlies on the street out front, the sun nearly blinding you solar-eclipse style. You felt like a hostage released from a hole after months of being, well, held hostage. 

"Is this what Saddam felt like?," you thought.

A wave of complete euphoria went over you as you heard the birds chirp, the wind fly by, the smell of green grass with a little hint of deteriorating carcasses - it felt GOOD to be outside. Though you have had some bouts of homebody phases, you were never not missing the great outdoors. Besides the mosquitoes and the balls-hot sun, and the occasional dead bodies. But, you reminded yourself, we have to make the BEST of these types of situations. 

You closed the glass door, quietly, cause those electric-chair looking victims had the most insane hearing, (making, admittedly, quite jealous since you're sure you lost a percentage of your own hearing prematurely after the introduction of AirPods.)

You then walked across your now overgrown garden, which under any other circumstances, could have passed off as a big whimsical fairy garden with the grass now being several feet tall, little ladybugs and shit nestled between. But now, shit made you feel like you were in a jungle back in 'Nam, circa 1970, pushing the foliage out of your face as you got across, bracing yourself for running into a spider web or a gnat smacking you in the face. 

Once you saw the backyard gate, you opened it quietly and peered out onto the street - it was quiet, ODDLY quiet, with not one of those cockblockers in sight. You knew better, however, looks can be deceiving. We all thought those Polly Pocket outfits looked pretty good, but the gastrologist telling your parents that their elementary-school child has a rubber dress lodged in one of their intestines actually isn't pretty good. 

You crept out, tiptoeing like a cartoon character or Drake sneaking past Travis Scott to whisper his verses on MELTDOWN, making sure to stay EXTRA vigilant of your surroundings. You needed to master the art of NOT disassociating, which basically meant undoing all your previous masterings of the craft. It was extremely difficult, but it was needed - slipping up LITERALLY means death here. On some for realizies shit. On some getting eaten out by and not in the good way shit. (That was disgusting I apologize - Sam)

As you crept down the street, passing down the backdrop to your average end-of-the-world surroundings with moldy houses and charred cars, you tried to remember the way to the Target. You were shit at directions and there was no Apple Maps to help you now. You just had to rely on your primal instincts of location - which, suffice to say, were usually not that good. But, when food's involved, you could track like a Neanderthal holding a spear hunting a fat ass mammoth with a posse of your fellow Neanderthal girls, you know, like, primal. 

You turned the corner, sure of where you were going and worried about your luck thus far. No zombie in sight oh shit never mind there's one across the other side of the street. 

It kept twitching in its tweaked state, continuously running into a fence since it was blind with that ugly ass toe fungus all up in its face. 

"Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit," you told yourself. Asshole clenching, toes squeezing downward, you calmed yourself down. It was the blind one so girl you're good! Just creep by quietly, ain't nothing to it! 

You took in a deep breath - tap in tap in tap in girl! Just walk on past! 

"Okay, okay," you told yourself. "Girl CHILL! Let's go okay, one, two, three - oh fuck I'm fucking shitting myself -" 

But then, it hit you - you literally had no reason to be scared. You literally lived in New York. You took those subways, you knew how to handle characters like that. 

Like a light switch normally does, you switched. You felt all that fear drain out of you, like the shit you took earlier - quick and easy (it was diarrhea, so, not really a good analogy metaphorically). You walked on down, even giving a friendly wave at the fungus girl. They're people too! You remembered to tell yourself, you CANNOT judge someone by their appearance! They're just going through it, I mean, after all, we've all been in that depressive episode/state before. Why hate when you can relate? Exactly!  In all honesty, your hair right now probably isn't making you look well-adjusted. We all have our bad days <3 Just don't look at them too long and you're good! 

As you passed by, it occurred to you - you have not been out in a MINUTE. All that hubbub and for what? You just had to wave and walk past. This brought a refreshing smile to your face, happy that you were grounded back to your reality. 

"Pharrell was right. Look at the birds," you told yourself as you strolled along by, "look at the bees."

Though there were no birds or bees in sight, and the possible thought crossing your mind that you hallucinated the birds' chirps earlier, you thought it best to live in this pretend state. It helps being fake happy sometimes, after all! More and more that carbon dioxide leak in your house was sounding less like a theory and more like a fact!

You continued on, now remembering the area - Target was only a block or two away. Just in and out and oh shit there's another depressed tweaker right in front a couple feet away from you. 

This time, it wasn't one of those fungus girls. It was the one who could see AND hear. Talk about double fucking whammy. And she clocked your ass, head swinging inhumanely fast to look you straight in the face. 

"DAMN BITCH! YOU UGLY AS FUCK?!" you thought to yourself, unfortunately your instant, innate reaction.

"Hey, girl!" you said, friendly, trying to maintain your mindset from earlier. You waved and walked past, she seemed so taken aback from your friendliness that you left her stunted. She just stayed behind and watched. And on you walked on blissfully. 

But you weren't walking for long when you heard the pitter patter of those steps RACING behind you. You whipped around. Again, you were shit at directions and feet and all, but you were PRETTY sure that you'd walked several feet farther away, so why was the ugly fungus-but-no-fungus girl HELLA close to you right now?

"What?" 

The girl stopped, now confronted. 

You waited for a response. 

Apparently, so did she.

Y'all just stood there, silent.

......

................

...............................

..........................................

"Girl, I said what?"

Nothing. 

You shrugged, rolling your eyes and turned back. But again, that pitter fucking patter. 

You whipped around, quicker. She stopped her running, caught again. 

"Bitch, chill. I know your ass is not chasing at me," you warned. 

Nothing. Again.

You turned back around, walking a little faster. "Flaka drug ass bitch," you said under your breath. 

Pitter. 

Patter.

You whipped around again so fast you gave yourself whiplash and vertigo at the same time. 

 She stopped. 

"Bitch," you said, annoyed. 

"Ahfsjjdshhuweuifw," she mumbled. 

"I'm sorry?" you asked, genuinely confused at her mumbling. 

She had a dumbfounded face, despite not having the greatest ability to make expressions (half her face looked like those Barbie dolls Shane Dawson used to incinerate back on old YouTube). You inspected her closer. She definitely needed some Accutane treatment, cause apparently everyone ALL gave up skincare this year. 

"Sadjksfjdksjc," she snarled again, "sdfhjdsf, sdfhuwjsjioisd?" 

"Girl, I don't know," you replied, sassy. "I don't know what the fuck you're saying, to be honest."

"Sjdklasjfoijdjdisjfids," she mumbled.  

"Girl, speak the fuck up!"

The zombie huffed. "SJDJDFSAFIDSD!!!!" She put her hands on her waist, annoyed too.

You felt bad. You genuinely had no idea what she was saying, and it didn't sound like it ended in anything you could just reply with a quick and safe, 'yeah' or 'thank you' to. You couldn't even fake laugh. Awkward. Awco fucking taco. 

You two just stood there, face to face. A little standoff, perhaps? 

This encounter reminded you of the first time you encountered one of these girlies. It was on your walk home after you left your White Lotus resort from your month long stay....

"Ghrskjdsksfs," the girlie said from behind. It made you jump.

"OH MY GOD!" you yelled, both out of fear of her popping out of nowhere and of course, her appearance. "Girl, I don't wanna be rude, but you look BUSTED as fuck!"

She didn't respond. You soon found out she took offense to that.

She began to follow and chase you all the way home and up to your doorstep. High key on some harassment shit. You had to barricade yourself in, cause girl was trying to hug you or something and you love being nice to strangers but didn't wanna contract bed bugs, so you pushed the bitch down the porch in time for you to lock that door. She fucked up your Ring camera too from banging on the door, so shit was personal. 

You did NOT want to get physical with this girl now, but if push comes to shove, LITERALLY, then it'll have to do. 

And that was your mindset from then on. Anyway, back to the Western standoff:

"Okay, girl, look just back the fuck up, okay?" you warned. "I'm being like - soooo serious right now." 

You turned back around and continued down, a little hurriedly and checking behind yourself a little more often, but that girl got the memo. For a few more blocks, she was out of sight. 

You hated being rude, but, that's what being a girl entails sometimes.

"Horror nights came a little early this year," you told yourself, shaking your head, "some people don't have any self-awareness at all. So sad." 

Finally making it, you saw the big ass red target signaling it was a Target up above, with some extra cute greenery and mold growing inside of it. You liked the whole post-apocalyptic aesthetic, actually, but we keep that to ourselves. Other people's disadvantages are not cute to make an aesthetic out of, after all.

Inside, shit was ran SACKED. Others had gotten there before, the shelves wiped clean (figuratively, cause the shelves were filthy). It gave you STRONG COVID flashbacks. But, you were not here for toilet paper, you were here for FOOD, remember? 

You went to the back, avoiding broken pieces of glass and other unidentifiable and possibly tetanus-infested objects, looking for the produce and dairy section. It smelled of dampness and poop. Not great. 

"While I'm here, I wonder if they have some tampons, maybe? Actually, maybe they have some ZYN?" you wondered. After all, no one was readily available to supply you with an Elf Bar, your original being LONG dead. A girl still needed to tell her nicotine craving to chill out. You weighed your options: 

Having reciting gums > not having ZYN

Hmm.

Yeah.

Options seemed to talk for themselves. 

Anyway, you kept searching for any remnants of a SEALED package of food, but, unfortunately, there was none. If there were, it was moldy to the house boots down and def not edible to most people. You rummaged through and through, over and over - nothing. 

You took a deep, shaky breath in, feeling those panicky tears coming in, your hunger more unbearable. 

"Dude it's that, it's that I'm about to lose my fucking mind, bro," you mumbled manically to yourself as you continued to rummage like a raccoon. This made you sympathize with them, those girls live hard lives. If you were RJ, you would've stolen that bear's food too.

You picked through the remaining bags, inspecting the see-through plastic while holding it like it was an object from Chernobyl - at the very tip with the most minimal amount of skin to package contact possible. You held them up to the light and god forgive you, gave them a little sniff. When you made that mistake once, you assured maybe it was best not to do it again, the mildew-rotting scent so horridly offensive to your nasal passage that it nearly catapulted you into the ether. 

You sat down, ready to welcome that panic attack breakdown, but soon shot yourself up after smacking your ass right into a cold septic puddle of rainwater (or so you hoped) dripping from the rotted ceiling. In just in your "I <3 ORLANDO" Spongebob-themed PJ shorts, you were never more sure that you just contracted yourself a yeast infection. And by the way you also caught a glimpse of your hair in the reflection of the puddle. 

And this was it. 

You broke. 

Your hair looked like Beetlejuice. 

You looked like Beetlejuice.

YOU LOOKED LIKE BEETLEJUICE?!?!?!?

"I'm losing my mind? I'm losing my mind. THIS IS SO FUCKED!" you exclaimed, oddly enough in the exact likeness of Shane Dawson's freakout in that one instagram live reacting to Tati Westbrook's YouTube video. (What's with Shane today?) "Oh my god? Oh my god?"

You were manic. This was it. This was it - 

But wait - you forgot the canned food section? 

A lone Chef Boyardee ravioli sat on the shelf, waiting, seemingly, just for you. She looked beautiful. Stunning. Heavenly. 

You feverishly snatched the fuck out of that can, and in such power popped the lid off wide open, the colors of that red tomato sauce and surfacing ravioli packets swimming delightedly. You did it. You tapped into your inner Neanderthal, strength and all.

You downed that shit all in one go, feeling its room temperature-ness sink from your throat down to your intestines, down past that lodged Polly Pocket dress, into the acidic pit of your belly. You felt all your stomach cells jump collectively with such joy, imagining the cheering sounding just like what Horton heard on that speck. 

You smiled so happily and genuine, with the exact likeness of Mark Weins. 

You moaned, quite audibly. It was delectable. 

You had to hit it, you NEEDED to hit it, just like Mark - 

"Mmm, woooowwAAAGAHAHAH - "

"- SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHCCHCHCHHCHHC CRAASH BOOMMOMSMDF JSAFJSDSFHSJDHFJS - "

" - OH SHI -"

-You ragdolled onto the floor -

"- WHAT THE FU -"

-Fragments of cement bursted all around you -

"-BRO WHA-"

-You went blind-

And then, it was all silent.

Your moment of bliss completely evaporated, by a blue pick-up crashing into the Target, right into the produce and dairy section you were in seconds before, in another world...

Your ears rang, you were covered in dust, with the remaining red Chef Boyardee sauce all up on your face. 

The entire building SHOOK with more pebbles and asbestos from the roof dropped onto the floor, along with the rattling of the glass windows.

The sound of insane gunfire soon followed. 

You remained soldier-style onto the ground, like one taking it for the team by taking in all the impact of a land mind, belly to the ground. Though you couldn't see it what was happening, your soy face was NASTY. 

"Bro whaaatttt????" you whispered. "All this for toilet paper????" 

"TA-TATA-ATATATATATA," said the gunfire. "PPAPAPAATATATATTAAAA!!!!"

You crouched up, peering a little outside, to see a car on fire, along with more of that loud ass fucking gunfire and people ducking for cover. Shit was a real Call of Duty game. Shit was a real war zone. You were stupefied, stunned, SAT! Then, to the right -

"SCREEEECHCHCHHCHHCHCH BOOOF BOOOM PAPRATATATATA!!!!" More cars whipped around the corner outside, like for real Fast and Furious shit! 

"Uh," you thought to yourself, no longer wanting to watch like a noisy pedestrian, "uhhhhhh, yeah this ain't for me. A girl like me is NOT supposed to be here! This ain't my business! War is for boys <3"

You quickly made a go for the exit, only to find it blocked by some grown ass man and child. They quickly clocked you, safe to say, both parties knowing that seeing another person this close right now is not a great sign. 

The man pointed his gun to you as he stayed down with the girl, avoiding the incoming shots. 

"Wait, THEY'RE the ones being shot at?" you realized, "nah bro I'm good."

"Oh, don't mind me!" you quickly said in your sweet, customer service voice, "I'm just gonna, gonna go ahead and, yeah," you inched closer to the back door and saw yourself out to the alleyway behind the place, managing to casually dodge every incoming bullet at you by a hair. After shutting that shit behind you, you stood straighter, dusted some of the dust off, and thought it best to go on back home and pretend that nothing happened, as always.

You actually ended up knocking out NASTY in the alleyway. Like, unbeknownst to you, multiple of those fungus girls walked by you thinking you were already dead. 

You stirred, delirious and confused, like an old person snapping out of a moment's dementia. It was nearing sundown by now, with the sunset casting its glow on the desolate alley buildings. 

You rubbed your slept-swollen face after you cranked yourself up with shaky ass arms, genuinely trying to remember the events that brought you here in the first place. You were like a shell-shocked vet. 

"Bro...where the fuck....?" you looked around, trying to piece everything together - but you thought that might be too much work, so you opted to doing your own version of the Irish goodbye and leaving without addressing the previous events <3. 

"I get those frat boys. Last night really WAS a movie," you thought as you walked out of the alley, looking left and right trying to remember how the fuck you were gonna take your ass back now - like NOW cause nighttime is not the place to be around these girlies. You played Minecraft. You knew the vibe. They seemed to be more rabid and unpredictable, which safe to say, is NOT your fave combo. You could so fuck up a bag of Combo's right now.

You dusted more dirt from your SpongeBob shorts, and tried to fix your botched hair, but was briefly and heavily distracted by a dust particle getting into your eye - causing such emergency and panic. 

"Oh fuck oh fuck no get out get OUT!" you worried, trying to pry whatever foreign conspirator of a dust particle that was currently committing espionage in your eye socket, albeit looking quite disturbing doing so. 

After prying that bitch out, you wiped your face and to your fucking dismay, spotted red stains all up on your hands. Your heart fell to the empty distilled pits of your stomach, to the pits of your gooch - 

"IS THAT FUCKING BLOOD? OH MY GOD AM I FUCKING, LIKE, HURT?!" you freaked - you were quite literally wounded in battle. You took a sniff. "Oh, just tomato sauce. I'm so silly!" 

You smiled to yourself happily, slowly remembering that ravioli - the one highlight of this mess. Your tummy rumbled. 

"If only there was a cart full of foo - oh my god there's one right there," in front of you was a shopping cart that apparently spawned out of nowhere filled with goodies. Literally perfect!

You approached it, mesmerized by its contents - more canned ravioli, Dolly Parton's buttercream frosting, a tub of fresh watermelon, some bags of gummy worms, some bags of Wingstop wings (with fries and ranch!), tubs of water (of which you credited this random shopping cart being sent from some higher power because it wasn't Dasani or Zephryhill), Combo's and, perhaps most importantly, a jar of spear dill pickles. 

You could've cried. 

And you did. 

But you stopped after like ten seconds because remember it's nighttime a girl needs to GO!

You took that shopping cart and began walking down the scene where that Fast and Furious ass scene went down, now lifeless of any activity but bullet-riddled crashed cars, piles of broken cement, dead bodies, and random spouts of smoke. You felt like just a girl, walking down an average street in New York, living a single, nepo-fueled and quaint life. 

"If only I had my headphones," you thought, now saddened that your phone and sound-proof headphones had been long-dead. "I LITERALLY pay my fucking bills, like?" 

You continued walking, just a girl with her shopping cart, when you spotted a clearing in some forest area, which seemed very familiar to you. 

"Lowkey, I think this is a short-cut to my house?" you said to someone, apparently. (There's no one around you but that's never stopped you.)

You went down into the wood, like a girl with just her shopping cart going through a magical Studio-Ghibli-esque forest that sprouted between two demolished buildings into some portal into the spirit world. Though it was pretty difficult to push the lowkey-broken shopping cart on anything but flat flooring, causing you to have some bouts of intolerable anger so powerful it helped you yank the wheels stuck on uprooted roots, you thought, "hey, things could lowkey be worse? Like, let's just remember what Vanessa Hudgens said, 'Like, yeah, people are gonna die which is terrible but like...inevitable?' "

And people did die, BUT, you did have Wingstop fries, so. 

And now, it wasn't just a whole shopping cart of goodies that you would return home with, but some granola?!

A pile of perfectly placed granola sat pretty on the ground in front of you, with some berries and yogurt bits scattered in - just fucking delicious and any vegan mommy's dreams.

"Oh my god," your mouth salivating, inhumanely - a Kubrick stare fell over your face as you eyed the fuck out of that horse feed.

"I could lowkey fuck UP some granola," your stomach said, the only decipherable thing she's said in a loooooooong time. Long time.

When you clocked out of your gaze, you walked on over, ready to scoop up the entire pile, relishing in the self-fulfillment and satisfaction you imagined was what those Neanderthals felt way back when. This little hunting and gathering thing we got going on here? Ain't that hard. 

You stood over it, grabbing the pile that happened to be conveniently sitting on a plastic mat, attached with some strings that went places you didn't really give a fuck to know about. All that mattered, was that the stars were aligned for you tonight, the moon must've been in your favor. You didn't need a tarot reader to know that life, well, was good now. Life laugh love even through apocalypse <3

"Man, mama eaten GOOOOOOD tonight!" you bellowed, giggling, dancing slightly back and forth like the fat ass you are, "I wondered if the Neanderthals ever dabbled in a little grano - "

"Grhasjdhfsdsknfjs."

You froze. 

Ain't. No. Fucking. Way. 

You looked up slowly. 

"Biiiiitccchhhhhh," you said, in disbelief. 

"Grajsdhfsajdsk," she said, more sassier than ever. 

"No - NO! This is MINE!" you warned the same fungus girl from earlier. She stood, several feet away, creepily standing in the dark now that the sun was pretty much set. Let's just say, HELLA liminal spaces-core. HELLA ominous with it.

She didn't reply. Instead, she began creeping closer to you, looking at you up and down like an old man checking out a girl walking by who HAPPENS to be in a tank top. You loved your LGBTQ+, but girl needed to be a little smoother in her approach! 

"No. Back off NOW!" you shot back, now standing straighter. After some time out in this life, you learned it's best to approach these girls like you would a bear, if, ideally, you were able to keep yourself calm enough so much so you could think clearly - just stand straight and tall. Stand your GROUND stand your GRANOLA if you will. 

"I'm warning you, girl. No means no. I found it first, fair and fucking square." 

She kept coming, now closer than ever. She wasn't taking no for an answer. You almost gagged at her peeling face, icked the fuck out, but didn't wanna be THAT outwardly rude. She was looking you up and DOWN. (It admittedly boosted your ego up a little, like, were you lowkey hot right now?)

It was clear she wasn't backing down. Your bear tactic went down the toilet. 

She began running. 

Full. 

Speed. 

"Jesus, fine we can share, girl, okay?"

Let's just say, she meant business. Bitch was about to pimp-slap you across the face for that granola. 

"Bro it's that I said we could shaAAAAAAAAAAA - "

But itt was too quick. Too sudden. 

One moment you were about to post-up with the fungus tweaker and the next you were plummeted to the ground by an unseeable force, every ounce of wind pushed out from every crevice of your body, the granola popping into the air like confetti that became shrapnel against the fungus girl, lodging itself into her already fucked-up face.

You gasped for air, in complete shock, whatever force holding you down to the ground - you looked up to see what actual 200+ pound of muscle football fuck just tackled you. Is the granola like the football right now? Did you just touchdown or whatever right now? 

It was him - the same guy from earlier. 

You were too exasperated to speak, literally non-verbal. All he saw were your wide ass eyes, gaping open mouth begging for air like a fish out of water (fish don't breath air, little fun fact! :D) and Beetlejuice hairdo, some tomato sauce still crusted around your lips. 

He suddenly lifted himself up, whipped out a bat from his side and beat that fungus girl to DEATH. Like, BEAT. 

"Oh fffff - uckaaaa," you were able to muster, "there go my Chiro sessions -" 

You rose up, struggling, feeling physically and spiritually like a stomped-on roach, watching this man absolutely go ballistic on the girl. She wasn't even identifiable anymore, just a big mess of red gross goo and shit. 

The little girl from earlier stood closely, like you, just completely entranced with the very ugly and quite frankly inappropriate violence for a child like her to be witnessing. It was like the Reddit 50/50 challenge all over again. (P.S. so like if you look up what that challenge is DON'T press images like I absentmindedly just did literally right after typing that to see if it was still up - Sam <3).

After he was done wailing, he stood straight, caught his breath, bringing himself back to reality from that outburst. He wiped blood off his dome and looked to you, a face of both complete disappointment and disgust that only comes with a man 50 and up. 

Your short-tempered, therapist-diagnosed anger flew over you - physically raging like a boy who got his house blown up by a creeper in Minecraft. Again, what did we say about nighttime???

"You. Fucking. DICK!!!!" you spat, your control now completely lost, "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT FUCKING COSTS FOR A CHIRO SESSION?! DON'T YOU KNOW THEY DON'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE, APPARENTLY?!??! DO I LOOK LIKE TRAVIS KELCE?!?!? DO I LOOK LIKE A QUARTER POUNDER OR WHATEVER THE FUCK?!?! ARE YOU TRYING TO ROLE PLAY AS TAYLOR WHEN THE CHIEFS WON?! I AIN'T A FUCKING SWIFTIE LIKE THAT!!!!!!"

After your spewing, you took a deep breath. It felt pretty good, you even smiled. 

His face fell. 

"Are you fucking crazy?" he bellowed back, "Are you out of your mind?! What were you thinking?!"

"I was literally JUST sharing food. I had that handled. I was like, breaking - breaking bad. Like Jesus..?" you knew there was something wrong there. Now you felt embarrassed. "No, wait - that's bread. Whatever fuck it I FUCKED THAT UP! But I'm NOT meth head, I'm NOT LIKE HER!" you pointed at the now mass of flesh and fungi. Gross. 

"I just saved your fucking life," he now came in close, towering over you and pointing, intimidating and furious. His southern drawl was in full action. (Uh oh you found this hot little does he know). "That granola back there was a fucking deer trap!" 

"Well," you started, biting your tongue like a mom, "it seems you've trapped my 'deer' ol' hear -" 

The girl stepped forward before you could finish that not well-timed flirt. "Wait, aren't you from the supermarket? Earlier?" she asks, now laughing, "That was crazy!" 

"Ellie, don't." The man stepped back, guarding the girl from you. He was weary. "Who are you?"

"I'm me," you said, arms crossed, unplucked and overgrown eyebrows raised. "Who are you?"

"Joel....?" the girl named Ellie said, worriedly. He seemed to chill out a bit. He looked over to her with a face that read: Don't worry. I know this bimbo means no harm." 

During that moment, you really took the scene in - and that scene? This man in front of you with the hick ass name Joel. Joel? Well, 

"Why he kindaaaaaa," BOTH sides of your brain said. "No, no I can't. Not here and not again, like time and place," you thought to yourself, but unbeknownst to you you said aloud. Safe to say, they looked at you oddly.

But you couldn't control your thoughts or your emotions. They are, after all, your thoughts and emotions which are usually, like Vanessa said, inevitable? 

He was tall, burly, and graying - with such a masculine aura it was insane. The strong, silent types, as your ex-boyfriend/ex-sugar daddy, Tony Soprano, would've adored. His whole rugged look - dirt on the face, unkept hair and facial hair, tired eyes, somewhat smelly...

Then it hit you. 

Is this it? 

Is this him? 

Is this your RICK?????

You didn't realize it, but you were staring. Not in the Kubrick this-bitch-fucking-crazy way, but in the, this-bitch-out-of-it way. You shook yourself back to reality. If you were going to bag this man, you needed to act indifferent. 

A moment went by, no one spoke.

"Well.... y'all gonna eat this?" you asked, motioning to all the scattered granola.

They didn't reply.

"Okay slay!" You bent down to start picking up all the pieces. You weren't, after all, gonna let all that go to waste like these bozos would. 

You popped one in your mouth, chomping that stale piece. "Mmmm. Mhm. Yeah. Sprout's. Def." 

You continued to pick them up, the man named Joel now scoffing in disbelief of the situation. You perked up and turned to the Ellie girl. "Hey girlie, you want?" 

Ellie the girl happily grabbed some, chewing on it for what looked like the first time. You were confused, judging, but thought it best to not judge. 

"Ggrjsdfjsakjdfska."

All three of you stood straight, frozen. 

Another fungus bitch pulled up, arms out and perked up at the sight of y'all - his possible little buffet. He had on a Vineyard Vines t-shirt and a pair of Sperry's. In summation? Ugly. His face was also fucked up.

"Oh, my god," you said, over it, "what ever happened to finders fucking keepers? Y'all getting on my damn NERVES! Hold this girl," you passed the collected granola into Ellie's arms. Joel, getting prepped to probably curb stomp this once-private and probably racist schoolboy, soon stopped once he saw you step up to the ring. 

As mentioned before, you never liked to resort to violence, but there comes a time...

You grabbed that zombie by the hair, and began to wail on it with one punch after another, grabbing it's man-bun ponytail and slamming its body onto the ground, continuing to obliterate it's my-daddy-has-a-boat ass, completely disassociating with anger. 

Joel and Ellie watched in both horror and amazement at your abilities. 

"You fucking bitch back the FUCK off bro!" you muttered. The last time you fought with this same manner and vigor was in the school bathrooms over a juul. Those cookie-monster PJ pants girls taught you well. 

Once you landed him in an induced coma, you rose up, took in a deep breath and searched his Bermuda short's side pockets, feeling for the all familiar shape. And there she was. 

You pulled it out - there she was in all her beauty. 

"Speaking of!" you said, examining the blueberry fume. As mentioned, it was just like those bathroom fights. "Yes YES! I used to know a girl who FUCKED these up! I just KNEW he'd carry!" 

Just then, the rich boy moved. You clocked it, and kicked it on its side. It rose and quickly ran off, frightened, as you continued to yell some more obscenities. You hit the fume - shit was still kicking. 

You turned back. "Sorry guys, I'm just, I try to be patient with them, and I am, don't get me wrong. I know COVID has everyone acting, you know, off their shit but," you looked to the now deceased fungus tweaker. "Poor girl. She just wanted some granola bits." 

Joel furrowed his brows, very confused. "Why would you be 'patient' with them? They're infected!" 

"Hey! That's not a nice way to characterize victims of diseases - drugs are real, like don't you know about fenty? And I'm not even talking about Rihan -"

"They're runners! They're not human!"

You turned back to the limping 'runner', now confused too. 

"Runners?" you asked, turning back. 

Joel nodded. "Yeah. Infected. Undead." 

"You mean, like, zombies?"

Joel took a minute, seemingly embarrassed that he hadn't thought of something so obvious as that sooner. 

"You know," you shrugged, tired, blowing out an obnoxious cloud of smoke from the fume, a cloud, if you will, "they're just going through it." 

Ellie looked to Joel, unsure of what to make of your comments. 

It was now nighttime, and after massively failing to locate or find your way back home, Joel, out of pity that you were a bit of a bimbo, allowed you to stay with them for one night. 

You all were camped (ew I know) in the middle of a forest, it was pitch black outside all except for the small fire in front of you all where Joel had baked beans cooking. Apparently, your perfect shopping cart with the goodies vaporized into the air, because it was nowhere in sight after the whole shabackle and hubbub. Joel suggested in a, what you swore was, passive-aggressive way, that you were so starved you began hallucinating it. You knew that was most probably the case but would've rather eat a fungus off one of those 'runners' or whatever's faces than admit that. And you would've, again, rather eat that toe fungus than mentioned your probable house's carbon dioxide leakage.

Anyway, back to the scene - Ellie is knocked out in her sleeping bag, leaving you and Joel to sit across from each other in a pretty awkward silence as you ate those gross ass beans. There were some moments you caught yourself about to complain about them and claim they tasted like 'dick', but thought it best not to. But, you needed to say something about this, you couldn't just hold it in. 

"How's the beans?" Joel asked, quietly and moodily as usual.

"Tbh," you said, the first thing spoken in like an hour, "...I just want, like, sushi, man."

His face fell a bit.

"But this isn't bad! Trust me!" you quickly tried saving yourself, feeling very quite bad, "look, I've had beans in England. Some say the bean capital of the world, there's literally a dude from there named Mr. Bean. And this is so much better."

He was too confused to reply.

You felt a fly buzz by your ear - one of your number one hated sensories to be crossed - and smacked it. You HATED the outdoors too, as much as you hated these beans. It reminded you of when you had exited your home after months being inside and how quickly that 'touching-grass' shit got old. 

But still, no complaining. 

You glanced over at him, and you couldn't help but think - man this dude looks familiar. Very familiar. You weren't sure if it's just cause you haven't seen another person in some time, or in this case, another man in so long that your brain basically said: "man = every other man" and that's the reason you thought he looked 'familiar'. But, no, no - you'd SEEN this man before. Did you have a dream about him? No, that was Rick. Actually, now that you thought about it, he lowkey looked like some of your ex's? 

"What's your name?" you asked, trying to break the awkward silence. You knew, but had forgotten. 

He hesitated, his grumpy ass chewing on those beans. "Joel. Joel Miller." 

"Oh my god, you're real?" And that was it - THAT'S why he looked familiar! "I literally wrote a fan fiction about you in class, and submitted that as my final! Everything really does come full circle when you think about it." You went back to eating your beans, waiting for him to respond, which he didn't really do a lot. You thought it best to move on. 

"Well, Joel. Can I tell you something?" 

He hesitated again, a little longer. "What?"

"So like, I've only been out here for like, a week? Or two? To be honest I don't remember. Could be a month, but like, what happened?"

"What do you mean what happened?" that southern drawl coming out more now that he was annoyed/mad that you'd even ask a question like that. 

You shrugged and looked around. "Like, all this?" you said, obviously. 

He let out a tired breath.

"Well, there were this fungu -"

Just as he was about to explain, you interrupted, unknowingly, going on more about your cluelessness. 

" - Like, one minute I'm in a resort, you know, the White Lotus one, sipping marg's on the beach, for like a month? My ex-boyfriend slash sugar daddy at the time, AND I only say ex cause he hasn't gotten back to me since all this shit happened so I just assumed he broke it off with me but whatever, that's not the point, Tony - Tony's his name - paid for my stay. It was great, I was living pretty, you know, lavishly? VERY lavishly, actually. I was tanning, being massaged, going through a whole cleanse, you know? No phone, no internet. I had a bunch of books recommendations from TikTok, but to be honest I didn't really read them cause the words just don't process, you know? You just need to bring it with you to make people THINK you read, you know? Anyway, I'm there, and who do I see? Fucking Jared Leto! Yeah, that creepy ass bitch! He had his whole cult there, like they're weird Jonestown retreat or whatever, and I wanted to join cause it looked fun but I knew I probably couldn't be married to him, you know, how all those cult leaders are. Anyway whatever, it was great. I was having a great time, Big Ange was even there and she left me her green glasses and I've been meaning to give them back to her - "

"- Where'd you say you were staying at again?"

"White Lotus? In Jersey?"

"There's a beach resort in Jersey?"

"No, I know what you mean. It's where Tony was from, but it's a faux beach. The beach? It's faux. Stops the smell of rotting 'whacked' bodies, you know, cause that's not very resort like?"

He nodded, he understood. 

"Yeah. Anyway," you said, annoyed he interrupted you, "I'm there, in my room, sleeping, and there's a knock at my door. I go and it's the lobby guy or whatever, he's like rushing me out telling me about how my stay is over cause there's a cold going around and I have to leave, like? I'm sorry, I paid - well Tony paid - for the whole month and a half? But what am I gonna do, you know? So I'm like fine fucking party poopers, and they kick me out, like a fucking cartoon, down the steps of the place and toss my luggage. At first I was mad, cause like, what's a little cold? And then I look outside where they kicked me out and the world is like, over? Everything ended? Over a fucking cold? Shit was like, demolished. And then they shut the door behind me leaving me to fend for myself, like I'm sorry? Do I look like Bear Grylls? Do I look like 'Survivor'? Like I got this shit handled? So whatever, I walked back home and let's just say: Culture. Shock. Insane. Like, whaaattttt? Covid was worse than I thought! Then I get home, my power's out, my water, everything. And shit was DIRTY! Like as if I'd been gone for twenty fucking years. I couldn't check Twitter or anything, it wasn't loading so I couldn't find out what the big deal was. Like, guys, can we talk about the political and economic state of the world right now? AND I had a blister on my toe from the walk! It sucked!" 

(Told you we'd revisit! Now, we're revisited!)

Once you were finished with your impromptu story time, Joel intently listening, he went onto explain after the whole lore of the political and economic state of the world right now, how it wasn't even political or economic, just a virus. Shit was crazy. Fungus, coffee beans and spinach, Fire fly people, rations, explosions, the whole deal. You were tapped in, realizing you didn't space out cause he was just so fine to look out you genuinely cared about what he had to say. And he said it. 

A sullenness came over him, and you hated to say - it was pretty hot. But time and place! It just occurred to you that he didn't seem like the type to open up, so him being vulnerable just made you think, wow, he's a human! And he's hot! 

After he finished, there was a sad silence in the air. 

"Man....covid really was worse than I thought," you replied. 

"Now do you get it? They're not real people or 'girlies'. They're infected," he said. "Do you have any experience with them? Besides the one you beat on and scared away today?"

"What makes you think I don't have any experience?" you replied, with a little flirtatious-sass in your voice. You knew you didn't have experience. 

"Cause no experienced person would have willingly beaten up an infected the way you did without fear of being scratched or bit. It was reckless and stupid what you did."

"Yeah but I fucked his ass up," you said, hyping yourself up in the process. "But lol you're kinda right. Nah, yeah the most experience I have with zombies is Black Ops. Those bitches give me the heeby JEEBIES!" 

"You think this Tony is still alive?"

"I don't know, actually," you said. "We got into a pretty bad argument before I left, that's why I left, you know, to the resort, for some space and a break between each other. So I doubt he'd call me back now." 

"What about?"

"He's like a big animal guy, you know? Whatever, his fucking horse died and I literally didn't know, no one told me. There was a candle lit at the vet when they were putting him down and I was like, as a joke, 'guys! It's lit right now!' and he was all like, 'what he fuck is wrong with you?'. He was annnnggrryyyyyyy. I didn't read the paper beside the candle saying to be quiet, that they were putting it down," you said, shrugging. "Really sad. She was a pretty horse, you know? Cunty." 

Joel nodded. This was all a very serious affair for him. It bummed you out, everything was so serious and sad out here. 

"So these zombies aren't girl's girls after all? They're like, anti-girlies?" you asked, mainly as a statement of fact you were coming to terms with rather than a question. 

"I guess so," he said. "Whatever the fuck that means," he also said, not as audible. That explosion earlier left you more partially deaf. 

He looked down and continued to fiddle and play with his beans with his fork, not taking much interest in his appetite anymore.  There was a moment of silence between you guys, more comfortable than before. You both felt the bond of this shared experience bring you guys together a bit, in this very moment. He didn't feel much of a stranger anymore, and neither did you to him. You felt, truly, he was a man who lost something too...

The solemness on him, again you hated to admit, you found very attractive. EXTREMELY attractive, actually. The last time you saw a relatively attractive man was months ago at the resort, and he was, unfortunately, (but not unfortunately for the gays) a gay man. RIP ARMAND <3. So safe to say, you were rabidly horndogging. He was the type of man that has a LOT of shit going on, but doesn't talk about it, but DOES look like it. 

But you knew how to handle this - it wasn't your first rodeo. 

"So are you, like, single, orrr...?" you asked, sheepishly, acting like you are so not trying to get at him right now. 

"Why do you ask?" he replied, somewhat guarded. 

"Well cause you got a daughter and all, like is there a wife orrr - ?"

" - She's not my daughter." 

"Damn. Okay. So you're like babysitting orrr?"

He thought for a moment. "Sure," he replied, cautiously. 

"Man, you're just triggering my daddy issues!" you joked but it horrendously didn't land, "just kidding!" You giggled, casually and nervously. What happened to time and place?

TIME JUMP!!!!!

Remember how I said Joel just let you stay with them for one night? Well now it's been like six months and you're halfway across the country, in another truck! Yay!

Despite him giving clear signs that you two were to part, (not wanting to outright DIRECTLY say so cause he didn't wanna be rude), it was clear you weren't able to those read social cues that well. (Actually, you did, you read them quite well, but wanted to pretend not to because he was now your Rick and you lowkey mentally imprinted on him on some Twilight shit). He eventually gave up all hope, pitying you in a way. The only positive he saw was how you did all the talking with Ellie, since his ass is basically mute.

You became a sort of bigger sister/cool aunt for her, which you ate the fuck up. You had to fill her in on EVERYTHING: the Dramageddon lore, the Challengers summer experience, Ariana Grande/Spongebob fiasco, Kendrick v. Drake beef, Jojo's Karma's a Bitch and how she's the first self-proclaimed lesbian to ever exist, Colleen Ballinger's ukulele apology, finding out about the Queen's death and Twitter, the Montgomery riverfront fight, and more that aren't too important to mention. You thought it best to fill her in on shit a girl her age would fuck up, like what kid cares about the political and economic state of the world right now? Anyway you two got along very well, she made you giggle and you made her giggle, the perfect vibe! Joel lowkey admired you for, (and found it hot), the way you were with her. What could you say? All those years in early childhood back in high school meant something after all! Not just D grades and getting caught with a cart in your backpack!

Speaking of Joel, he definitely wouldn't show it, but like I said, he began to like you a bit. Actually, fuck that middle school shit and 'liking' - he began to FALL for you! On some romantic period piece shit! And who wouldn't? Besides those moldy Spongebob shorts, crusty yet fast Lightening McQueen Crocs and Beetlejuice hair, you were a natural beauty! Girl you were bad asf!!!!

Now in another pick-up, y'all were moving cross cuntry. You had your feet out the window, letting them get that breeze as you watched the Microsoft Windows default wallpaper-esque landscape pass on by. Ellie was in the back reading her nerd ass comic books, while Joel drove, of course, in silence. You were literally his passenger princess. If only you had a phone and AUX, cause your Spotify roadtrip playlist would so hit right now.

But again, what's in Ohio?

All you knew, was that they needed to get to Ohio. What's in Ohio? Who the fuck knows. Logan Paul? London? Yes, there's a London in Ohio, you knew that all to well when you accidentally booked a flight there instead of the actual London in England high off a Benadryl pill. But you wouldn't mention that to Joel.

You weren't sure what the fuck was up with Ohio, all he said was that they needed to get there. You thought it best not to question too much, afraid of losing that passenger princess spot.

(hey! it's Sam and my dumbass just realized that it's Utah they're going to, not Ohio. Apparently they wanna meet up with the Mormons, not Prime's own, Logan Paul. Whatever same hick ass states anyway I'm not gonna change it so proceed!)

"I wish I had my phone or AUX right now," you said, sadly. "I have this Spotify roadtrip playlist that would sooooo hit right now."

He gave you a side eye, his normal response.

"What song would you play?" Ellie asked.

"Hmm, let me think," you said, now thinking. "Probably like, Lana's cover of 'Take Me Home, Country Roads'? You know, cause we're like on country roads right now."

Joel gave you another side eye. You peeped. This was a perfect prying moment!

"Do you know that song?" you asked Joel. Y'all barely spoke anything personal (actually, YOU spoke at lengths, without being asked, about your personal stuff, but not vice versa. He was a great listener, though).

"Yeah. I know it," he said, quietly. You knew there was more.

Just as you were about to say something, he interrupted.

"But I don't know who that 'Lana' is."

"Oh, Joel, you'd fuck UP Lana! She's like the bridge between girlies and middle-aged men, not for the same reasons but a bridge nonetheless!"

You all then began to talk about music, but it usually involved just you and Ellie pairing up to bully, in a friendly way, Joel. It was fun to make fun of him, in a friendly way. You got so much enjoyment out of bugging these grown ass men, cause their egos were so fragile. You also just kind of found it hot that you could do that, with Joel as NO exception.

As mentioned before, he was very quiet. And you're a talker. See the problem? You were waiting for the right moment, when after all this buildup and trust would, well, buildup into trust, enough for him to open up to you. And when that day comes, it won't be just his mouth opening up!

You also got pretty good at learning how to defend yourself against the zombie girlies. Not that you didn't know before, but now, with Joel's help, you were able to take down multiple at once. You ate that shit up, feeling like one of those hot Resident Evil characters. Joel was even impressed, which made you pretend more like it was 'no biggie' as you'd usually say. What you didn't say, of course, was how your asshole clenched from fear every time you saw one and how you ached all over from fighting! But why would you?! Appearances are lowkey everything!!

The skyline of the city finally came into view. Fuck if you knew which city it was, you lost track. Your stomach rumbled. You cradled it as if you were "so I'm thirty-four weeks today", softly and longingly. You needed to eat. The rumble was loud, causing Joel to look over.

"You okay?"

"Does it sound like it? I'm hungry," you said. "Where's my fume?" You began to pat yourself down for that appetite suppressant, having an addict's moment of panic that you may have lost it. You didn't, she just thought she'd be funny and slip between the cracks of the chair and armrest. You pulled that bitch out and envisioned it was a Five Guy's cheeseburger as you inhaled that faux blueberry chemical.

"Guys, what's this?" Ellie asked, reaching over to the front, pointing to a roll of sushi illustrated in her comic. You didn't know Batman had time to eat sushi, but,

"Oh, FUCK!" you bellowed. "Sorry, Ellie. Excuse my French. I could so eat that right now."

You then caught a glimpse of a rather large scar on her forearm. Shit looked crazy.

"Uh, Ellie," you said. "I don't wanna like, overstep or be rude, I know it's none of my business."

Joel and Ellie suddenly tensed up. At this moment, they both knew the mistake Ellie had just made. You didn't, of course, which was why they were concerned.

Ellie backed up softly, quickly covering up her scar. Joel shifted in his seat.

"Uh, yeah? What is it?" Ellie asked wearily.

"That scar," you said.

Ellie gulped. Joel tightened his grip on the wheel.

"You should slap some scar cream on that. Like, Mederma? Ever heard of it?"

"Mederma?" Ellie asked.

Joel let out a relieved breath. He raked his hand through his hair, self-soothingly. They were good. Thank god for your lack of social cues.

"It's, uh, a scar cream," Joel answered lowly.

"It helps, trust. Once, I was on a city bike in Miami Beach, fell right onto the concrete and ate shit. It was bad, but once that scar closed, I lathered that cream on, and that's it. Now I don't even remember where the scar is. The doctor said it was from memory loss after smacking my head on the ground, but I really think it was the Mederma. So yeah. Get some if you can," you said.

"Uh huh. Okay," Ellie said. She wasn't really listening, instead trying to relax herself from you almost finding out about what was really in Ohio (Utah). And you wanna know something? It's not Logan Paul (Mormons).

"Anyway, yeah that food? It's sushi. It's sooooo good. So good," you said, reminiscing about those rolls. "So good. So so sooooo good."

"What's sushi?"

"Anything you want it to be, honestly. But usually fish," you said.

You took a moment.

"FUCK!" you yelled again, the anger of craving sushi so animalistic, "Sorry, sorry. I just, I just really want sushi. I wish you could try it Ellie, I think you'd like it. Joel, do you like sushi?"

"Never had it."

"What?"

"I've never had it."

"How have you never had sushi?"

"I just haven't."

"Well, you should."

"I can't."

"Why not? You allergic to fish?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Cause we're in a goddamn apocalypse," he replied, this time quite irritated.

"Well, if you do, let me know. I want a piece," you said, a little sassy, looking back out the window.

He then turned to give you a hard look. It was a mix of anger and confusion, the usual.

"You know," he started, trying to think of the words, "you're weir -"

" - JOEL WATCH OUT!!!!!!!"

Joel shot his head straight forward, to see a zombie standing in the middle of the road.

BAMBOOMSD AHSDFJKASJDFKSJSKLDJFAS

He swerved, causing you're not-wearing-seatbelt-ass to slam into the passenger car door, then rag doll as you held on for dear life on the grab handles above as you flipped over and over and over and over and over and over from the sheer power and magnitude of that swerve.

BOOM CRASH BOOFS FJADSJJDASKDSAADS CRASH BOOM POPSJDKFJASFAS

"OH SHI -"

You looked like Jay Leno in that one video where the car repeatedly flips over and over, with Joel holding his arm out trying to keep you down (didn't work).

BOOM CRASH POWEBSDAJFJSAKDA BOOF BAM POWBOOMSADJF

It just kept going.

CRASHBOOM JSDHSIFHJSA CRASH SJDFLSAFDKL FLIPSD FASKJDFSSDOAFLIP SADJFKSAJFD

Kept going.

BOOM CRASHDJSAKDFJSALDJ FAS

Yo lowkey when this gonna stop?

BOOM CRASH BOOFS FJADSJJDASKDSAADS CRASH BOOM POPSJDKFJASFASSDJFSKAKDADAS.....

SJKDFASKLJDFS boom pop.....crash...

It finally stopped!

You groaned awake, feeling FUCKED up your shit was ROCKED.

"Get up! GET UP!" Joel yelled, already having been out the car with Ellie.

"Oh my god okay chill I literally just flipped?"

"It's a trap! They're raiders!"

"What -"

"TA-TATA-ATATATATATPPAPAPAATATATATTAAAA!!!!"

You rolled your eyes bro not again.

All three of you took cover behind the now dilapidated truck as the raiders shot from the other side of the road.

You weren't even scared now, just over it like? Likeeee???????

Joel started shooting back, and so did you and though your aim was pretty shit you managed to take out some of them. You found that not looking and just shooting overhead and all over the place was the best tactic! Let the bullet find its own way <3

"Oh my god, Joel, I got an idea!" you said.

"What?!" he bellowed, very busy with the whole gunfire and all.

"We should make a bomb!"

"How?!"

"Mazel tov cocktail?"

"You mean molotov?!"

"Why are you correcting me? We have to think fast not be correcting each other get your priorities straight Joel oh my god?! Am I the only one taking this seriously?!?!?"

You dropped that gun on the floor and began to craft the bomb with such efficiency and grace, you felt like a little brainiac. You thought this may have been how the Unabomber felt like if he actually succeeded. (Thank god he didn't though lol right?? btw fbi I'm not a terrorist sympathizer!!! - Sam)

Let's just say - the pressure was on! As you were crafting the bomb, shots continue to fly by overhead, blowing comically large holes in Beetlejuice-esque hair. Joel kept rushing you, which you didn't appreciate like no shit I'm trying to go fast? Why would I not be trying to go fast dumbass?

Once you finished, you lit the cloth's end and turned to Joel and threw it at him, "THINK FAST JOEL!"

He, petrified, grabbed it in midair and looked at you with a look of complete awe. And it wasn't the good kind. More a look of horror, actually. Offended horror.

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU THROW IT AT ME?!?!?!"

"UH, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GOOD EYE-HAND COORDINATION?!?! YOU THROW IT!?!?!"

In disbelief, he threw the molotov on the other side of the car and took cover.

You all ducked, and you took out your Dollar Store sunnies to cover your eyes from, essentially, the war crime you've just committed.

Let's just say - Oppenheimer would've been jealous. It wasn't your first time making a molotov, but something was different in the air that day, because you pretty much made the equivalent of one atomic bomb in that little glass Jarritos bottle.

The light from the bomb was so bright, for a second's moment, everything seemed still and dead silent, muted almost, as the bright glare lit everything around you all - you all braced yourselves, readying for the sound - the boom.

And girl.

Did it boom.

"Boom," said the Jarritos bottle.

The bomb? Yeah, pretty big. The effectiveness? Yeah, pretty and literally groundbreaking. The sound? Yeah, deafening.

Shards of metal, glass, unidentifiable body parts, and other mumbo jumbo flew right past you all from behind the truck, as you all huddled together, still tense from the impact.

If it wasn't for the fact that, as previously mentioned, you were already lowkey deaf from AirPods, you'd definitely be a mute. The sound riveted through all y'all's ear drums, sprinkling in a little tinnitus behind.

You guys crept up to see the damage. You pretty much did more than enough, they all literally died. The coast was definitely clear and y'all were good to go!

You three then grabbed your bags and started to walk down the road into the city, all in a stunned silence. You weren't that stunned, really, (it wasn't your first time making bombs as you did notably do some freelance work for Escobar), but Ellie and Joel had the same look like that one pic of that thousand-yard-stare soldier.

Joel was also quite pissed off, he just had that grumpy ass face he always has, but more intense. You assumed it was cause of the whole shabackle, but couldn't understand why he didn't see a reason to smile right now like? We're literally walking alive! Yeah, walking instead of driving, but alive!

"Uh, what's with the long face girl?" you asked, trying to spread your happiness.

He didn't respond.

As you got closer to the city, your patience was running thinner. The big ass backpack you had on kept slipping cause one of the straps was fucked up, causing you to have to constantly shift it upwards. It was reallllyyyyy starting to tick you off. You felt like a middle schooler who hasn't learned it's cooler to just bring a folder and chewed up pencil to school. It was also heavy as fuck with a ton of random bullshit like Joel's Linda Ronstadt CD's and Ellie's nerd ass comic books. Look, you were all for physical media, but you were also all about setting the bag on fire and catapulting it Ancient Rome style for another raider's battle. You kept this to yourself until then, though, like mama's lil secret <3.

Now in the city, you guys took a shortcut through some random building. You weren't sure it was a smart shortcut, cause it's a random building, but you were too exhausted to really gaf and ask. Plus, Joel didn't seem in the mood. He never was.

You were all creeping through the abandoned, smelly, rotting, moldy hallways, finding out it used to be a dispensary, and thought you could find some, you know, good loot or whatever. So you mentioned to Joel and Ellie that'd you look around and split off. Joel knew you were going to look for any scraps of weed like a raccoon feign, (your blueberry vape died during the battle)

You turned a corner, into a room, then looked around carefully. The place seemed pretty empty, so your guard? Very down.

"Slippppppping I'm slippingggggg," said the bag.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God," you said through gritted teeth, feeling a rise of deep anger. You violently thrusted it back on your shoulder, sore from the weight as you turned a corner. "Fucking dumbass back pack -"

You then hit the wall, as you were too distracted and fixated on the bag.

"Oh fuck," you said, rubbing your head. You looked up.

"OH FUCK!"

It wasn't a wall, it was actually the fupa of a giant bloater. You stood, petrified, stunned - almost collapsing onto the ground from the fear that plummeted into you - you were Wendy Williams as the Statue of Liberty.

Then, it burped, just staring down at you.

"AY DIOS MIO!!!!"

Like a cartoon, you jumped in the air, turned the other way and hauled absolute ASS out of there.

"GUYS!!!! GUYS, WE GOT A FLOATER!!!!!!" you screamed, running and running, doing what you perhaps always seemed to do best.

It started to chase you, it's fee fi fo fum ass stomps echoing from behind. This was some temple run ass shit.

"Feee....Fi.....Fo.....Fummmm.....," the bloater's steps said.

You then felt that all too familiar feeling, down there. And not the good kind. You had to shit. That bloater? Yeah. Scared you so much it made your butthole say,

"I need to shit."

The anxiety of 1. a bloater, 2. your need to go shit, and 3. you not being able to locate neither Joel or Ellie, filled you with such dread. You really did now gaf.

"Feeeeee....Fiiiii.....Foooooo.....Fuuuuuummmm....."

"GUYS??!?! GUYS LIKE WHERE THE FUCK ARE Y'ALL?!?!? NO LIKE FOR REAL?!?!?!"

Every thought raced through your mind - did they die? Did they abandoned you? Or worse, did they stop somewhere to eat WITHOUT you????

"Feeeeeeeeeeee....Fiiiiiii.....Fooooooo.....Fuuuuuuuuuuummmm....."

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod," you rambled, holding one hand on your ass to keep the shit in and the other on that backpack strap.

"Slipping I'm slipping again!!!!" the bag said.

"OhmygodIHATETHISFUCKASSBACKPACK!!!!!" you screamed, then proceeded to grab it and yeet it full force at the bloater's fupa.

The power of your thrust was so monstrous it caused the bloater to fly mid-air backwards for several feet and land right through a glass window.

You didn't stop to check it out, now instead enjoying the free weight literally off your back and your faster paced running. Those Lightening McQueen Crocs were now in full force, in sports mode and ready to go. With every step, the sounds of tiny yet serious little engines squeaked out from below the heel.

You then spotted the pair, and to your relief they hadn't died, left you, or were eating. No, instead they were huddled in a corner, crouched down and holding their fingers to their mouth. It looked as though they were telling you to be quiet.

"Do you guys want me to be quiet?" you asked. At that moment, Joel's spirit died. He let his head fall in general disappointment.

Turns out, an entire group of clickers were in the room next door, overstimulated, triggered and ready to pounce, triggered from your maniacal distant screaming.

"Ohhh," you mouthed, nodding overtly your head in full understanding. You crept on over, now huddled with them.

"Where's your bag?" Ellie whispered.

"What bag?" you asked, then looking away as if disinterested. You thought the best way to explain the absence of the bag was to gaslight them into thinking there was no bag in the first place. "So what now?"

"Joel?" Ellie asked.

Joel thought for a moment. "We're going to walk across the room, quietly and slowly to the exit on the other side. No fighting, no shooting," he whispered.

"Okay lieutenant," you said, biting your tongue like a white mom. This was again your attempt at flirting but it didn't work. You really needed to better your timing.

You three began to creep down the hallway, and at first it was working great, up until two random stray clicker girls were hanging out at the exit doors.

You three stopped, Joel thought for a moment on how to handle this.

You couldn't stop. You still needed to shit, and you needed to shit now. You felt your asshole gaping for air, knowing that a fart was the last thing needed now. You held that shit in, but alas some things cannot be held in forever....

"Joel," you whispered in his ear, "I like, have to shit, bad. Like, emergency. Can we speed this up?"

He heard you and decided to ignore you.

He took out his gun, then turned to you both. "I'm gonna shoot, but then you two need to run through those doors. Don't stop and don't look back."

You two nodded.

He aimed, but at that moment, you had no control.

You couldn't hold her in anymore.

This was it.

You can't control nature's course.

You farted.

And he shoted.

But your fart was like a silencer? It worked? It was so subtle and swift, and its duration lasted long enough for two shots that the clickers took it as another one of their co-clickers farting.

The two fungi bitches dropped dead and nothing followed.

"Did you just fart?" Joel asked, breaking the silence.

"No, no - that was the bloater?" you turned behind, again using the gaslighting tactic. He looked behind, too, confused, and since you knew that bloater was probably busy reading comic books and listening to Linda Ronstadt some ways away, you thought it best to move on.

"So like we gonna go orrrr....?" you asked.

"We need to run," Joel said.

"Don't need to tell me twice!" you said before hightailing outta there, your Crocs doing wonders, and leaving them in the dust, (it was actually asbestos).

Running? Running was what you did best. It was so basic, so innate, there was really nothing to it. You always thought, had it not been for all these setbacks in your life, these side quests that just kept side questing you, you lowkey could've been a runner? Not the crackhead Flaka drug ones but, the other type of runner. But oh well c'est la vie.

You three made it out and ran for what seemed like miles and miles (it was across the street), before you stopped from the force of your imminent shit. Joel and Ellie ran past you, not waiting to save your ass, and climbed down some rubble. You tapped back in.

"Joel! JOEL!"

He turned to you, flustered and annoyed as the group of zombies echoed behind y'all like the sounds of minions.

"WHAT?!"

"I CAN'T CLIMB DOWN!"

"YES YOU CAN?!"

You looked down the rubble - you theoretically could, but didn't wanna make one wrong move and ledge your asshole open. Of course, though, you couldn't tell him that, boys aren't supposed to know that girls shit. So you hoped that maybe you acting as a girlie who needed a guy's unnecessary chivalry could so hit right now. He wasn't biting.

"WHAT?" he yelled, literally less than three feet below you.

It wasn't gonna work. The zombies incoherent ramblings grew louder and louder behind you. Looks like plan B - you needed to give him no choice.

He started to run back towards Ellie, before you stopped him.

"JOEL! CATCH MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Like a baby who's dropped into the pool for the first time to 'learn how to swim' without any sense of physical agency or control, like a manic person running with their hands up and mouth agape, like a true damsel in distress, you hauled yourself off of that three-foot ledge, aiming for Joel's heroic yet un-consenting arms, all in a slo-mo.

Joel literally had no choice but to catch you, so he did, and your fat ass made him fall backwards onto the ground where it really fucked up his 50 year old, seniors discount breakfast-ass back.

"Oh fuck," you said, like a wounded grandma.

Joel groaned. You two looked at one another in the face, quite close, cause you were literally on top of him? Like omg this is so rom-com! Enemies to lover's type! Except you were always his enemy and you always thought he'd be your lover <3

Time stood still as you looked into one another's eyes. It was as if the whole world had stopped, and it was only you two - you inspected every wrinkle, gray hair, blackhead - he was beautiful.

"Uh, guys! We need to go?!" Ellie shouted.

"Oh shit I forgot -" you said and bounced right up, remembering your shit, and back to leaving.

You three were back to running, since it was not only your favorite activity but a common pastime in apocalyptic worlds. You were up ahead, again fueled by your natural instincts needing to shit, its adrenaline pumping through your veins as if you were the Flaka fungi people. It caused you to momentarily ponder - is the real reason why all these zombies are irritable is because they need to shit but can't, so they've been backed up for YEARS? A shiver went down your neck at just the thought.

You turned a corner between buildings, before stopping again in your tracks. A whole fucking HERD OF THEM BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!

You were frozen, petrified, stunned, silenced. Your face couldn't help but go into its natural fight or flight state - the soy face. And a mega one at that.

Joel stopped, looked at you frightened.

"What? What is it?!" he asked desperately.

But there was no time. Cause guess what? There's now bandits!!!

Then THEY started to chase you. Fuck the clickers. Fuck an iClicker!

You couldn't help but giggle. You couldn't help but be amused. Why are a bunch of bandits chasing a girl in SpongeBob shorts? Like they think you got the goods like that?! What's a girl with Spongebob shorts got? A probable yeast infection?

You didn't realize it, but your giggles were actually audible. You sounded like Pops from Regular Show.

"I'm just a girl, like whaaaaaa?" you giggled and shouted, running still. "Like, leave me alone what the fuck?!?!? This is crazy omg!!!"

Even Joel was confused, running beside you, thinking, 'why is this bitch giggling?'

Even the bandits took notice and got weirded out. So weirded out they actually stopped chasing y'all. You were treating an ambush like a frolicking sesh in the garden.

You supposed it was your brain trying to protect you, seeing that you were in actual danger of being killed. Maybe you genuinely couldn't believe it? Who knows. (I'm not a psychologist I'm sam st. Clair)

You all finally made it to a supermarket, where you boarded yourselves up once you scoped the place out. It was nighttime now, hella dark out and you couldn't guess shit where y'all were at. You just relied that Joel knew, it was your default since he's the self-proclaimed Rick of this little posse y'all got.

Anyway, you three split off, maybe because you all were tired of all the socializing you guys did back there. You didn't mind being alone, it gave you the opportunity to fart without anyone around to sniff or judge, or both. Speaking of farting, you took your shit the moment you slammed your ass on the toilet in the back, where the manager's office was. Shit was monstrous and you were sure you might've contracted some of the fungi since you were so determined to sit down that you didn't notice spores all up on the seat. But oh well. Your ass did start to itch, but you relied on your body to figure it out.

You got so bored you decided to walk up and down the smelly aisles, then found a pack of untouched, one of a kind, rare finds, vintage ZooPals. You remembered that Joel was making dinner, so thought these would be perfect!

You grabbed them fast, then went to present them to him. He was not so impressed.

"Joel, check it," you said, acting as if you were Christian Bale in American Psycho showing off your business card.

"That's extra weight," he said, dismissively and went back to cooking the beans.

"Are you kidding me?! This is some fine China right here," you protested. "Your boomer ass might be having a dementia episode or something not remembering the sheer value of what it is to eat off a ZooPal's plate."

His demeanor got sadder. You feared you might've crossed the line with the dementia comment.

"No," he mumbled solemnly. "They remind me of my daughter."

Your face dropped.

"Yikes. Sorry about that luv," (when you felt awkward you opted to go British). You then walked away. Best avoid that <3

That night you guys ate the beans and left in the morning, since Joel said apparently a supermarket isn't the best place to hide. You weren't sure why - if they carried ZooPal's, who know what else they could be hiding?

You kept walking down the street until you found a car that looked recently used. Joel tried starting it with the cables and shit whatever they do in the movies when they jumpstart a car. Red wire blue wire green fish two fish one fish blue fish.

"Can I drive?" you asked. You weren't sure what got into you, you literally don't have a license. Not that traffic violations mattered in these parts, but because you couldn't even tell left from right.

He gave you a look. "Fine."

"That was easy," you said.

As he began fixing it up, Ellie pointed to an object on the dashboard.

"What's that?" she asked.

You looked.

Oh no.

Not on my car.

"No. Not on my fucking car."

You grabbed that octopus stuffed animal dashboard bullshit, swung and threw that shit so far that it broke a nearby high-rise apartment window and exploded. It was a bomb and you inadvertently just saved everyone's life.

"How'd you know that was a bomb?" Joel asked, incredulously.

You knew the answer was that you didn't know it was a bomb, it was cause you actually hated nothing more on this earth than those octopus dashboard plushies, because every bad driver in a BMW happens to have one, so you thought you should go with the flow.

"I told you. I worked for Escobar. I can smell a bomb," you said.

"Wow. That's a crazy nose you have. It's like your superpower," Ellie said, geeking out.

"If it really was a superpower, I'd been able to stop Oppenheimer," you said.

She didn't get it.

Joel looked up, again, confused why you would say that in the first place.

"Sorry, it's before your time," you said, moving on quickly.

The car started and you three hopped in, ready to drive y'alls asses OUT OF HERE! You were excited, feeling that this was gonna be like a little roadtrip movie.

It was only two miles since you guys have driven and you had to contain your giddiness. Joel definitely wasn't happy and Ellie was to herself in the back reading her nerd ass comics. You just looked crazy laughing to yourself. You were just looking forward to the roadtrip vibes, FINALLY you guys found an actual working car so no more walking no more dilapidated backs no more annoying backpacks and oh shit there's a spider.

"OH SHIT THERE'S A SPIDER!!!" you freaked, seeing it dance slowly from the roof, hanging onto its web and literally three inches away from your face. You began to move yourself away, moving the steering wheel with it and thus moving the whole car off the road.

"Okay, calm down I got it -" Joel said.

"No Joel it's that I can't dude no Joel get it GET IT!" you demanded, feeling like an entity just possessed you with how deep and demented your voice got from the fear.

"Just keep the damn car still I can't grab it!"

He really couldn't, the more you turned the car, the more the spider swayed into your face, causing you to turn the car more and causing Joel to have trouble actually getting it. He was getting frustrated.

"Joel, we're gonna crash!" Ellie cried, trying to hide behind the seat.

The screaming and shouting also wasn't helping the vibe at all.

"I can't dude no Joel it's that I can't BRO FUCK! GET THAT BITCH!" you kept crying, "I'M NOT JOKING BRO!"

"KEEP DAMN STILL -"

Y'all crashed.

The random light post just HAPPENED to be in the way. Thankfully you guys weren't hurt, you just fucked up the car bad. And Joel was pissed. When he's mad, he's quiet. And he was QUIET.

"Well that was short," Ellie said as you three just stood looking at the demolished car. "So what now?"

The 'what now' was actually that you guys found a safe house literally less than a mile away. God finally gave y'all a little break!

It was down the road, in a little suburb. It seemed to have belonged to others, since it was all boarded up and defensed up and the only sign of life left in the house was a infected fungi girl strapped to a chair in the bedroom, placed in front of a tv screen playing a VHS tape of Friends.

You thought it best to put it out of its misery, so you turned off the tv.

You patted her on the back, caring and lovingly as she snarled at you, "No one deserves to be forced to sit and watch Friends, not even in the apocalypse."

You closed the door, leaving her at peace and again, out of her her torture.

Time passed. Joel was about to start cooking beans and Ellie left to go take a much needed power nap in the guest bedroom. You offered Joel to rest and that you'd cook instead. Little did he know how much of an exclusive this was with you, bitch you didn't cook. But you felt pretty bad for the whole spider thing and thought, hey, what's a little cooking? What's a little meal prep?

Joel said his very weary 'thanks' and went to rest on the couch, while you went into the kitchen. He looked genuinely happy to see you take the responsibility. And you were genuinely happy in other places too at the idea of you cooking for him <3 and Ellie ofc. And yourself, who could forget your fat ass?

Time passed, maybe a little too long of a time to make beans, when you had finally finished. Though you were pretty sure all the garnishes left in the kitchen were expired and no, those are not flakes of oregano but flakes of mold, they actually came out pretty good. You prepped three beautiful plates, on the fine China (ZooPal's, Ellie got the duck plate, Joel the ladybug, and you the frog), and went to push the kitchen door to present your dish as if you were battling Bobby Flay on that one kitchen show with the other woman with white hair that looks like she'd be one of the emotions from Inside Out.

"Dinner's ready! -" you said cheerily, until you realized - it wasn't just Joel who would see your dish. Not Ellie. Not even Bobby Flay - it was the raiders. Again. They were all up in your living room, def crossing the maximum capacity. They just couldn't seem to get enough of you and you didn't want to come off as narcissistic but guessed your personality had to be addictive.

You all took a minute, assessing the situation. Actually, you ALL took that minute. You just stood there, plates filled with beans, and they stood there, guns filled with bullets, with Joel and Ellie on their knees with their wrists tied behind their backs.

The silence kept going.

You just stood there.

"Wait, so -," your bimbo ass said, very Trisha-esque, not even able to come to form a conclusion. You were just so confused. "Wait -"

And there it is again.

Someone tackled you. AGAIN.

Not only did your body go flying underneath the massive weight that just sumo slammed itself into you, but so did the beans. The beans? Yeah, they were airborne. The ZooPal plates? In flight.

The mass was actually a man who was attempting to zip tie your wrists now that he had you pinned down. However, he underestimated your irritability when you were hungry.

Mama's hungry.....and mama wants her beans.....and what mama wants...........mama GETS.........

You had just about had enough.

You threw him off with such strength that could only come with a girl's rage. A rage so deep, so visceral and seemingly uncontrollable, one that could set you back on all the self-help and patience exercises that you've practiced. No. That's it. She's gonna pop, and just like the shit from earlier - some things just cannot be held in forever.

You rose up, looking briefly over at the man who's back slammed against the window, where he then tumbled and tumbled to who knows what fate, but a fate just the same as that bloater earlier.

The raiders were too aghast at your abilities.

"I just, I can't," you started, panicky. "I can't hold it in anymore."

You almost started crying from the mania. You looked very unstable, cause you were.

You took a deep breath, but knew one thing - you've been holding this anger, this wrath in for so long, now it's time for her to be released.

One of the raiders caught on and began to back up. His buddies followed, scared, almost like watching a Jack in the box as a grown adult, but that childlike fear still imprinted in your innermost being.

"Hey listen, we'll just get out of -"

" - do you KNOW HOW FUCKING HARD IT IS TO FIND ANY FOOD OUT HERE WITH NO FUCKING MOLD ON IT?! YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO COOK ROOM TEMPERATURE FUCKING BEANS ON A DINGY LAPTOP RUNNING ON SIMS 3?! IT TAKES A LONG FUCKING TIME!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW HUNGRY I'VE BEEN?!?!?! I'M THREE DAYS LATE ON MY FUCKING PERIOD AND I'VE BEEN FEIGNING FOR SOME FUCKING BEANS!!!! BEANS, BITCH!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW DESPERATE I'VE GOTTA BE FOR FOOD TO WANT BEANS?!?! I'M CRAVING ROOM TEMPERATURE BEANS LIKE A SOLDIER IN THE CIVIL FUCKING WAR!!!!! - (you lost them) - DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS?!??! THAT'S LIKE, ONE OF THE BIG DEAL WARS!?!??! WHATEVER AND NOW MY BEANS ARE ON THE GROUND LIKE DO I LOOK LIKE TRAVIS KELCE?! DO I LOOK LIKE A BITCH TO BE TACKLED ONTO THE FUCKING GROUND??!?!! DO I HAVE A SIGN ON ME THAT SAYS I'M A QUARTER BACK?!?! NO BITCH I WANT A QUARTER POUNDER!!!! AND NOW LOOK!!! 'UH, GUYS, WE HAVE COMPANY!!!!!'"

After your spew that gave you the same catharsis akin to rapping a Nicki Minaj verse word for word, they put their hands up in surrender and backed on out, suddenly becoming overly-friendly while you followed them out to the porch. You had the same aura as a a 'get off my property or I'll shoot' type.

"Sorry for disturbing you, ma'am."

"Have a nice day, Ms., sorry about that."

"Lovely house and beans."

"Have a good day."

"Bye bye now."

"THANK YOU, YES!! FUCKING LEAVE!!!! RED-COAT, QUARTERING ASS FUGLY ASS BITCHES!! OR Y'ALL DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS EITHER?!?! GO FIND A BOOK ON WARS THAT DON'T INVOLVE TOILET PAPER AND LEARN ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF BEANS YOU FUCKING SKID MARKS!!!!"

"Great plates."

"I like what you did with your hair, ma'am. Very unique."

"AND STAY OUT!!!!!! THIS IS MY OWN PRIVATE DOMICILE AND I WILL NOT BE HARASSED!!!!!!"

You turned back around into the house, overhearing one of their conversations as they got farther and farther (not only are you partially deaf, but you have super-hearing).

"I think that's the same girl from earlier, with the weird giggles from earlier?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. The Spongebob shorts, remember?"

"Oh, fuck. You're right."

You couldn't help but not smile hard. You like, lowkey did that? No violence or anything. MLK was lowkey right.

But that smile soon fell once you got back into the house, remembering what literally just happened. Seeing your hard work splattered all over the floor was like seeing your own world end. By then, Joel was already untied and had just finished Ellie's.

"That was INSANE!" Ellie said, excitedly. "Did you see their faces?! That was so sick!"

"Thanks, Ellie. I'm lowkey gonna cry now, so those words of positive affirmation do help."

"Wait, don't," Joel said, oddly caring.

"Of course I'm gonna cry! I'M FUCKING HUNGRY oh my god what's that?"

Joel had reached into his bag, pulling out three very familiar containers.

"I'd, uh, hope we could be eatin' this, too," he said sheepishly, as he revealed they were perfect condition, ready-to-eat, beautifully displayed fat rolls of sushi.

You at the very moment became a belieber in spontaneous combustion, because you'd never been so hot so quick, it was just too hot. Joel was too hot. Sushi was too hot too, and he got you sushi?! That's like double the hot! This is Hot Ones DA BOMB!!

"Oh my god, Joel - you didn't," you held your hands to your face, in such happiness and surprise. It looked as if Joel had just proposed to you and the ring was a singular spicy tuna roll.

Joel smiled softly, a rarity around these parts. You found that glimpse of another side of him so interesting, intriguing - attractive. You always knew he was hot, and knew you wouldn't say no to your bestowed Rick, but DAMN like Kendrick's 2017 hit-album he was fine as FUCK right now.

"Contain it girl, contain it," the voices told yourself.

"How'd you get this?!" you asked, taking it as he reached them out for you. You inspected them, you weren't sure if it was because you were hallucinating from the hunger, but they looked exactly like Studio Ghibli food, your fat ass was about to feast. You felt the salivation like those rabies victims outside.

"I'm a smuggler. It's my job," he said, which you swore was flirting-ly but unfortunately didn't have any of your girls around to tell this too and get their opinion :( so you decided to live with your delusion that it was!

You wanted to kiss him so bad for that, you could've cried. And you did.

You three sat around the campfire, eating, talking, laughing, all good vibes. Ellie had finally tried sushi for the first time and loved it, as you went on to explain the days of the Barbenheimer summer. (You thought she needed to dip her toes into Oppenheimer lore somehow already.)

"Hey, sorry you guys had to see me like that," you said, finishing your roll. "I just get like, really annoyed when people stop me from eating food when I'm hungry. Like, that's me time, you know? It's personal."

"What are you talking about?! That was so good! They were shitting their pants!" asked Ellie.

"Lol me," you spat. You hoped they didn't catch that.

"You - you really scared them off there," mustered Joel, impressed.

"Thanks," you said, taking whatever compliment that man could give to heart.

"If only we had you during our shootout, back at the Target," Joel said. "I thought you were a runner, first time I saw you."

"Why's that?"

"You had all that," he motioned to his face, "red stuff, all on your mouth and chin. Thought it was blood."

"Oh, that was Chef Boyardee! You know him?"

Did he know him.

Did he know him?

Girl he was a single father once of course he knew him.

And what else did he know?

He knew he was in love with you, in love with Y/N...

"I, uh, love -"

"- Joel loves Chef Boyardee. He got all excited when he found a can, once," Ellie said, interrupting him.

"Because that's what the Chef intended with his creation," you said, not really one hundred percent sure what that meant. And neither did Joel or Ellie. Anyway,

Time passed, you guys cleaned up and Ellie had gone to sleep.

You and Joel were sat on the swinging bench on the porch outside, passing your blueberry fume back and forth like a blunt (it actually wasn't dead, contrary to popular belief). He wasn't really a fan, but didn't want to tell you no.

You'd been out for some time, enjoying the warm (lowkey hot) breeze and of course, Joel's company. He was a man of few words, unfortunately, but it did make him hotter. Like, why so mysterious?

"So how'd you really get that sushi?" you asked, after some unimportant small talk.

"When we were at the supermarket," he said. "Wanted to surprise you."

"That's so hot," you said immediately.

"What?"

"It's so hot right now, that's what I meant," you spat and took your fume from him, taking in an unnecessarily giant hit.

"Well, wanna go back inside?"

"Nah."

"Okay?"

Another silence.

"You know, I wanted to uh, thank you, for being nice with Ellie and all," he said, "it's uh, it's nice."

"No probs. She's funny. Reminds me of a younger TikTok-obsessed cousin, you know? The kind you're excited to see on Christmas?"

"Yeah, yeah. I understand," he said. He didn't.

The silence continued. And you had to admit, it was getting awkward. Something needed to happen. And your pervert mind knew what would be perfect right now -

" - My daughter loved Chef Boyardee," Joel then said, really out of nowhere.

You turned to him. For a moment, you genuinely forgot he had a daughter. You didn't really like comforting people when you were horned up, but there was no escaping this. Who knows if he's ever said this before? Maybe you're the one - the special one - that gets to hear this exclusive tidbit. So you complied. Sometimes people needed a shoulder to lean on, so you decided right there and then, (and apparently Joel too), that you'd be that shoulder...

"That's crazy," you said. So little words, yet so much meaning.

"It is," he said, smoking the fume.

"My ex-sugar daddy, the guy that I told you about, do you remember?" you asked, he nodded his head. He did remember. "Well, yeah, he actually had a health scare once. Chef Boyardee, specifically the ravioli, was all he ate when he was separated from his wife. She used to cook all these real pasta dishes, so when he was living on his own he was pretty much incapable of cooking anything besides a bowl of cereal. He just ate Chef Boyardee ravioli all day and his cholesterol went up. It was crazy."

"Huh."

"Yeah. And it was kinda weird, you know, because he was Italian. I didn't think Italians accepted the Chef as one of their own."

"I guess he did."

"Yeah. I miss him."

Joel turned to you.

You realized your mistake. You DON'T bring up an ex on the first date hello?!?! HELLO (@ALL THE BOYS IN THE WORLD HELLO?!?!?!)

"I mean, I miss the old world, you know. Like, how you miss your daughter," you explained. "Association and all."

"I'm sorry if I'm a little, you know," he said, "If I don't come off very - personable. You've, uh, been a great help to us both. To me."

"Of course! It's okay. It's kinda hard to keep manners going when more than half of the population are demented cannibals and the other wanna rob you all the time."

You both smiled softly. You provided him the warmth he needed, the warmth that could always greet him at the end of the day, reminding him that there's always room for warmth. You are his sun, his warmth. You're his heating pad, the warmth of a heating pad.

"I don't, I don't say this much. Not at all, actually, not until you brought up the 'association' thing, but - you remind me of the old world," he said.

Your ass couldn't help but smile.

"Oh my god Joel that's like so sweet!" you said, before jumping on him to give him a big hug! He hugged tightly back, he then threw you back on the bench and you felt his member pressed against your leg. He then began kissing you, his tongue licking your lips for entrance. You let him in. Your tongues fought for dominance but you let him win. He eventually started going down on you, taking your "I <3 ORLANDO" Spongebob-themed PJ shorts off, and started kissing your labia.

"This...this is a labia," he said, his southern drawl coming out in full force.

"Oh my god this is just like my fic!"

"What?"

"Nothing!"

You lifted your legs as he began to eat you out, his wet breath on your cooter. He held your foot up and raised himself, ready to press his member into your entrance. Your eyes were closed, ready to take the man from Austin, Texas in. This is it. No Flaka girls, no fungus-infested toilets, no Chef Boyardee-obsessed raiders, nothing - just you and Joel.

Hope you enjoyed!

xoxo,

~Sam St. Clair

P.S. - I'm not actually dead! I've been in hospital. So, almost. I've now learned that sanding your tires down to make them look cleaner and smoother and prettier is actually quite dangerous.

xoxo, again,

~Sam St. Clair

[erikahenningsen]

🎲🎲🎲 26 for rejanis ?

26. A kiss while one or both parties are crying

Janis always assumed that being with Regina would be big—big drama, big highs and big lows, big romantic gestures and big fights. And it is like that, sometimes.

But as they get older, Janis finds she loves the little things. The mundane things. Even the things that slightly (or greatly) irritate her. The things that only come with spending time, day in and day out, with Regina.

The nice—and occasionally obscenely expensive—things that Regina might buy for her are appreciated, but what Janis really loves is how Regina knows not only her coffee order, but exactly at what point in her workday she needs one delivered right to her desk.

Janis loves that Regina will send her photos of dogs she sees on the street, even though Regina doesn't really like dogs—but Janis loves them.

Janis loves that Regina will always pour her drinks into this silly souvenir cup she got at a fair the summer before they started college, even though it doesn't match any of their other cups.

And in turn, Janis pairs all of their socks before putting them away when she does laundry, even though she doesn't take issue with putting on the first two socks she pulls out of the drawer, regardless of whether they match. Janis makes sure that anytime she orders a burger or sandwich for Regina that there are no pickles on it, because even if she pulls them off Regina claims she can still taste them. And Janis doesn't mess with the organization of the hall closet, even though she still sometimes burns with the desire to purposely annoy Regina.

It's on one of those mundane Thursday evenings that Janis looks over at Regina curled up on the other end of the couch and blurts, "I love you."

Regina, who had been sitting still, eyes on the television, somehow manages to freeze. She doesn't look at Janis, and a long moment passes before she wordlessly stands up and walks out of the room.

For a minute, Janis just sits there, dumbfounded. Maybe Regina went to get something? Some kind of gift she's been saving for this moment? Or maybe she is so disgusted by Janis's declaration that she had to go throw up. The longer Janis sits here with no sign of Regina's return, the more ridiculous the scenarios she's running through become.

When it becomes clear that Regina isn't coming back, Janis starts to get irritated. Really irritated. Because what the fuck kind of reaction is this?

Janis stands and heads down the hallway, finding their bedroom door slightly ajar. She pokes her head in and sees Regina sitting on their bed, staring at her hands.

"Hey, uh," Janis says, "what the fuck?"

Regina finally looks at her then, and Janis is startled to realize Regina, who almost never cries, is crying.

"Oh, Gi," Janis says, moving to sit next to Regina. "Is it really so terrible that I said I love you?"

Regina hastily wipes at her eyes, as if she has just realizes that she's crying. "Sorry," she says quietly.

"Look, you don't have to say it back right now, although eventually would be nice." Janis takes one of Regina's hands in hers.

"No, I—" Regina pauses, seeming to gather her words. "Janis, I spent so many years thinking that this would never happen—that we would never be together, let alone that you would... love me. I just needed a minute."

Regina turns to her with such an honest look on her face that it takes Janis's breath away. She squeezes Regina's hand.

"Well, believe it," Janis says, reaching one hand up to cup Regina's cheek, brushing away the tears with her thumb. "Because I am here, and I love you."

That seems to make Regina's tears come faster, but Janis thinks that a good thing. Maybe. Unable to resist, she leans forward and kisses Regina. It's soft and tender, a tangible representation of her words. Regina melts—there's really no other way to describe it—leaning into Janis and making a small, soft sound that makes Janis's skin start tingling.

Regina pulls back slightly, close enough that Janis can feel their lips brush when she whispers, "I love you, too."

It makes Janis break into a wide, goofy grin. Regina rolls her eyes a little, but there's a smile tugging at her lips, too.

"Are you mad that I said it first?" Janis asks, unable to resist goading Regina. "You can be honest with me."

Regina reaches behind her to grab a pillow and whack Janis with it.

[miyuhpapayuh]

23. Would it be okay?

“Hey, sunshine!" Claire greets Stevie as she slides behind the counter to put her apron on. Another white rose to put in her pink vase by her register, for the day.

"Hey, love. How are you?"

"I'm great! I see you are, too!" She pokes her side.

"A lot has happened."

"Like..." Claire trails off, waiting for her to continue.

"I went to go see my family in Cali, Rod got my name tattooed, uhh.."

“Wait, what?" Claire's eyes widened in surprise, her mouth ajar. "He got your name tatted?? Where??"

"On his neck, girl." Stevie leans back on the counter with a dreamy look in her eyes. "It looks so good."

"Wow... a chain and a tattoo! What kind of honey do you got between them thighs, gurl?" 

Stevie covers her bosses mouth.

“You're just as reckless as he is!"

Claire swats her hand and cackles, her eyes flickering toward the door as a customer walks through.

"You're safe, for now. I'm taking you to lunch and we're gonna continue this little conversation." Stevie groans, before throwing herself into work.

Three hours and a stained apron later, Stevie finishes off her coffee cake and joins Claire in her brand new white Jeep.

"Ooh, this is new!" Stevie exclaims, sliding into the cheetah lined passenger seat.

"Bought it, last week, actually!" Claire cheeses, flicking the black ice air freshener, hanging on her mirror. She turns her car on and pulls out of the parking lot.

"Black people and black ice! Jesus!" Stevie face palms.

"I had to! You don't have one in your car??"

"No... is that bad?"

"Nah. If your car smells good, you don't need it."

"Rod's got one in his car. It's the new car scent one."

"Such a man," Claire snickers.

"Same thing I said!" She laughs, folding her hands in her lap. "So, where are we going to eat?"

"Melrose's. She's got the best cuban I've ever tasted." Claire dances in her seat.

"I've always wanted to taste one. They're really good?"

"Yes!" she pats Stevie's leg. "One thing you gotta learn about me is that food is my favorite— second to Bianca, of course."

"I'm learning! How's she, by the way?"

"She's great. She went back home to see her parents and left me all alone for a week. It's so boring."

"Oh, I'm sure you make good use of your time. It can't be that bad." Stevie laughs.

"Well, how did you feel when you went out of town to go see your folks? Didn't you go by yourself?"

"Rod actually went with me." Stevie says before pursing her lips.

"Y'all make me sick. Seriously."

"I'm sorry! But, come on... you don't have anything to occupy your time??"

"Not really!" Claire frowns, "it's just me and Biscuit. Little fucker’s just as sad as I am. Bianca and I take turns calling each other, but it's not the same. I mean, I'm glad she can go see them, but I miss her."

"You're making me sad, Claire. Hopefully the week goes by quickly for you." Claire sighs in response.

༺═──────────────────────────────═༻

"I'm stuffed." Stevie says, popping another potato chip in her mouth.

"You liked the sandwich, I see." Claire laughs.

"I did! Me and pickles have a love/hate relationship, but it was tolerable. Thanks for lunch, boo."

"Anytime! Now, back to the lot that has happened..." she trails off.

"Oh boy, I knew you were gonna do that," Stevie laughs.

"I went to see my family in Cali. I haven't been there since my grandma died. So, that was something that I had obviously been putting off, but it wasn't bad and I actually ended up having a good time. They fell in love with Rod, of course. Then, we came back and got back into the swing of classes, which hasn't been too bad, either— oh! I actually dropped a bunch of them and I get to graduate early, now!"

"Really?? I'm so happy for you! You've been talking about that forever!"

"I know! It's a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, I tell you. This bachelors degree better pay off!"

"It will! I feel it!" They laugh, before falling into a comfortable silence.

"Can I ask you a question?" Stevie asks.

"Sure, wassup?"

"You ever feel like you're moving really fast in your relationship, but it feels fine at the same time?"

"In the beginning, yeah. That's kinda normal."

"Are we still considered a “new couple”, though?"

"No," Claire laughs, “you guys are basically married, at this point."

"But, where's this coming from?" She asks.

"I don't know... it's just something I've been thinking about. We've been through a lot, since the beginning of our relationship and I just don't wanna jump the gun on anything, even though I feel like we've already done that."

"Well, you guys are different, like any couple, there's different circumstances and understandings. If both of you know what it is, it doesn't matter how anybody else views the pace of your relationship. Y'all are joined at the hip and that's perfectly fine."

"You're right.”

"I know." Claire winks.

Stevie balls up a napkin and tosses it at her head.

"First and last time I ever tell you that."

༺═──────────────────────────────═༻

Finally getting off work, Stevie drags herself upstairs and plops down on her own bed, for a change.

"Ugh, I missed my bed!" She sighs to herself, reaching over to turn her lamp on. She gets up and strips out of her work clothes, throwing on one of Rod's T-shirts, fitting her like a dress.

"Alright, let's see." She grabs her notebook off her nightstand and opens up to a clear page, letting her pen glide across.

Would it be okay?

If I stayed around.

If I got comfortable, in your presence.

Slip into your shadows,

Keep you safe.

Would it be okay?

If I loved you more than life.

If I screamed it to the heavens,

Even though God, herself, already knew?

Destiny. Fate.

I can't hide it.

 Would it be—

Folding the top corner, she yawns and closes her book and lays back down, knocking out in minutes.

An hour later, she's woken up by Rod gently massaging the balls of her feet. Rubbing her eyes, she lazily stares in his direction.

"Hey,"

"You look like a little kid, when you wake up," he chuckles, bending down to kiss her ankle.

"Am I cute kid?"

"Mhm. I hope our babies look just like you." He says, making her heart skips a beat.

"Here I am, hoping they'll look like you." She laughs. "How was your day?"

"Tiring as hell. My first night closing up went smooth, but it's so much I had to do, before I could get outta there. If it wasn't worth it, I'd fight somebody." He shakes his head.

"I'm sorry, baby. Here," she pulls her feet out of his grasp and pats the middle of the bed. "I'll rub your back."

Plopping face first into her pink pillow, he makes himself comfortable. She giggles at the sight, actually grabbing her disposable camera and snapping a picture.

"Whatchu gigglin' ‘bout, girl?" His muffled voice aids her laughter.

"Nothing.”

Mounting his lower back, she starts in the middle, working out a knot on the left side. "Pressure fine?"

"Mhm.”

"Okay... I wrote another piece, today."

"Yeah? Have you decided on which one you wanna perform, yet?" He asks.

"I might just do this one. It flowed so naturally."

"Can I read it?"

"No, it's a surprise!" She whines, pressing her thumb into the base of his neck.

"Mngh. I thought I was special, babygirl?"

"Nope. That's not gonna work on me, tonight. Your special ass better be front and center, when I get on that stage."

He laughs. "I told you, I wouldn't miss it for the world. When are you planning on doing it?"

"I'm not sure, yet. Soon, though."

He nods, fully relaxing under her touch, soon falling asleep. Smiling to herself, she slides off his back and snuggles into his side, burying her face in his neck.

༺═──────────────────────────────═༻

"You really like this dude, huh?" Rod asks Tyler.

"I really do! He's so sweet." Tyler blushes.

"He better be."

"Usually I wouldn't care, cause I don't keep them around, but, I wanna do something right, this time, you know?"

"Yeah, I feel you. As long as you're happy, that's all that matters. Let him know that I fight." He points at her, while backing up.

"Will do." She salutes him. "So, does that make you like big brother or something?"

"Hell yeah! You got me in your corner, shorty."

"Thanks," she gives a soft smile, "for everything, seriously."

"You're welcome, spud." He jogs upstairs, finding Stevie on her computer.

"Whatchu doin', babe?"

"Getting back to my guidance counselor. I need to know how many credits I have, to see how many I need to graduate in February."

"Ah. Aren't you glad you listened to Tyler? You get to get outta there, super early."

"I know! I didn't even know I could graduate this early in advance, but dropping those extra classes made it possible."

"See!, instead of us leaving you, we all get to graduate at the same time." He chuckles, kissing her cheek.

"Josh and Jay are in town tonight, so I'm gonna go hang out with them for a couple hours. I'll be back before–"

"Why're you giving yourself a curfew?" She turns around in her chair, staring up at him.

"Well, I don't wanna just waltz in here, super late, I feel like that's rude."

"Well, if it were a night where I was staying home, I'd agree with you, but I've got plans, too."

"Yeah? Where you headed?"

"Back to the poetry club, so I can talk to Suga and show her my work, see when I can set up a time to perform it." 

He kneels in front of her with a smile on his face.

"Alright, my talented ball of sunshine. Be safe. Call me if you've got any problems, okay?"

"Will do," a couple quick pecks turns into a juicy kiss, leaving her giggling against his lips.

"Okay, okay! Get out, before I cuff you to my bed." He grunts.

"Shit, let me call the fellas, right now." They both laugh and stand up.

"You're so foolish."

"You encourage it, baby. But seriously, have fun. I know you're gonna get your drink on— is Tyler going, too?"

"Yeah, she's got another date, tonight. I actually gotta help her pick out an outfit. She's kinda nervous."

"Yeah, we talked, earlier. She really likes ol' dude."

"He's such a sweetheart! If you met him, you'd like him, too."

"Yeah well, as long as she's happy, that's all that matters. You two have fun tonight."

"You guys, too. Tell your friends I said hello."

"Will do. I love you." He kisses her forehead, then her lips twice more.

"I love you, more."

The pair head out of the room; Rod downstairs and Stevie into Tyler's room, where she's frantically throwing an outfit together.

"Okay, what about this? Since it's cold as shit outside, I can wear my black jeans— you know, the ones that make my butt look fantastic?” Stevie nods. “Okay those, with either the v-cut bodysuit or the purple crop top and throw my oversized jacket over it."

"Do the oversized look, that's cute!"

"Okay. Chunky heels?"

"Definitely."

"Okay, I'm gonna get ready."

"Same. I'll meet you downstairs."

༺═──────────────────────────────═༻

Stepping back into Stevie's new favorite place, she heads straight for the bar, while Tyler heads towards a table where her new boo is waiting on her.

“Have fun!” She calls after her friend.

“You too!” She calls back.

"Hey, beautiful!" Suga greets her with a hug, sitting on the stool beside her.

"Hey, girl!"

"Oooh, is that it??” She points to the book that sits on the countertop.

"It is! You wanna read it??"

"Hell yeah!"

Stevie opens up to the page and sits it in front of Suga, nervously watching her eyes dance across the page.

"Oh, Stevie..." she says, pressing a hand to her chest.

"You hate it, don't you?" Stevie frowns.

"Wha— no!! This is beautiful!"

"Really? It's not too mushy or anything?"

"Babe, you worry too much. It's perfect. I wish I had a love like this poem!" Suga exclaims, making Stevie blushes.

"Okay, stop it!"

"Seriously! I've never been jealous of words, until now."

"My cheeks are gonna fall off my face, if you don't stop!"

"Okay, I quit. When do you wanna perform it??"

"Like, within the next week or so would be great! Ya know, before I lose the nerve."

"Okay! Let me go grab Carmen. She's the owner."

"Okay, cool! Thank you!”

As Stevie's waiting to meet the illustrious Carmen, her eyes trail over to Tyler in order to get a glimpse of how well her date is going, and her jaw hits the ground at what she sees.

Chris is lifted from his seat slightly to meet Tyler's lips in a lip lock that feels steamy, even at a distance.

"Alright, now," Stevie remarks quietly as she sips her tropical lemonade.

Her people watching continues for a few moments more, taking in the melanated group of lovers and friends alike.

"Hey, Stevie," Suga catches her attention, causing her to swivel in her seat in the direction of her voice, "this is Carmen."

She's greeted with a caramel-toned woman in her mid-20s, with a head full of shocking red curls and delicate features.

"Suga's told me so much about you! It's nice to finally meet you." Her voice is just as delicate.

"Likewise," she responds. "This is definitely one of my favorite places to be."

Her smile is warm, yet lights up the room. "I'm glad. I hear you're ready to get up on that stage. Now I hope you don't mind, but Suga let me take a glimpse at the piece you're thinking about performing, and girl it's dope! Made we wanna love on somebody."

Stevie blushes a deep crimson at the compliment, chuckling softly.

"Thanks. It's unfinished actually."

"Well sweetheart, whenever it's finished you're more than welcome to a spot on our night for new talent."

Stevie has butterflies of excitement and nervousness when she hears that.

"You're serious?" Stevie asks, just to make sure this isn't some cruel joke.

"As serious as serious can get, baby doll. You got something special."

Her heart soars and her cheeks flush once again, not used to the profuse amount of love for her craft.

"I can't thank you enough, Carmen. I won't let you two down," she says, addressing the two women.

"I know," Carmen winks. She quietly excuses herself to make her rounds around the place.

Stevie thanks Suga one more time, before she decides to not be a third wheel in Tyler's budding romance and take the train back home.

She walks the easy block and a half to the nearest station, taking in the full-bodied sounds of the city that have become music to her over the years.

Descending the concrete steps, she's greeted with a scent she'll probably never get used to, muttering all the money this damn city makes, and they can't scrub the piss smell outta here.

She looks left to right, and makes sure the coast is clear. She hops the turnstile like it's a hurdle, as if the heels she wears are tennis shoes.

Her timing is impeccable as the trusty red line subway car pulls up right as the toe of her shoe hits the yellow line.

Stepping on, she thanks the man upstairs that it's not crowded. Clutching onto the pole, she quietly hums as the train starts moving.

Feeling like she's being watched, she turns her head in the direction of the perpetrator, his coal black eyes scanning her body, making her feel like she needs a shower.

Her skin prickling up with anxiety as every bad memory, attached to a man, comes flooding back to her. A chill rushes up her spine as her brain screams run.

Her eyes become trained on the doors, as the insides of her hands clam up. Her curiosity leads her eyes back towards the man. The tattoo on his hand caused her mind to race.

Her heart starts beating triple time as the train continues to take its sweet time getting to its first stop.

She can feel his eyes on her as she keeps her gaze forward.

"It's okay... we'll get off soon." She whispers to herself.

Coming to a stop, she watches a couple of people get off, before coolly walking off behind them. She peers over her shoulder, watching him flash a smirk her way but stay on the train.

As the train whizzes away into the darkness, a rush of relief comes over her as she heads towards the street. Grabbing her phone out of her purse, she calls Rod.

He picks up on the first ring. "Hey, baby. You good?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. I just— I don't know. I had a moment, I guess." She walks into the nearest corner store.

"What do you mean, a moment?"

"I had the bright idea to take the train back home and there was this guy that kept staring at me. He looked so much like John and I don't know... I just freaked out, so I got off a helluva lot earlier than I should have."

"Baby, where are you?"

"Chuey's food mart. But, listen, you don't have to come and get me. I can call a cab or—"

“For what? It's almost ten o'clock. It's too dark for you to be catching cabs, when I can just come and get you."

"But, you're out with your boys!" She sighs as she heads down an aisle, "I feel like I'd be cutting your night short."

"We can meet up, whenever. Your safety is more important to me, right now." He assures her.

"Okay."

"Ima catch y'all later, aight?... yeah, gotta get my shorty to the crib... aight, baby girl. I'm on my way."

"Alright." She hangs up and walks around the spacious store, picking up a couple snacks along the way.

Ten minutes go by, and she's standing in front of the many candy choices, when the chimes go off near the front and the sound Rod's car keys fill her ears.

Passing by a couple of people, she spots the back of his head as he searches for her. Catching up to him, she tugs on his jacket.

He turns around and the worried crease in his forehead disappears as he pulls her into his chest, a heavy sigh leaving him.

"You're smushing my snacks!" She giggles as he rocks her side to side. "Rod!"

A soft laugh escapes her as he pulls away to hold her face in his hands.

"Seems like you missed me."

"Hell yeah! I was worried about you, girl."

"I didn't mean to worry you." She frowns.

"It's okay, baby. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm glad you're here." She links her finger in his jacket pocket. "Did you speed?"

"Maybe, a little. I ain't wanna waste no time– leave an opportunity for something bad to happen, ya know?"

"Yeah,” she sighs, “thanks for coming to get me. I appreciate you."

She stands on her tiptoes, staining his lips with her gloss.

"It's never a problem, babygirl." He grabs the snacks out of her hands to carry himself.

"Let's see what we got here," he announces from behind her as she walks down another aisle. "Salt and vinegar chips— ah, the chip of choice! We got some sno balls... some hostess cupcakes. Hm, you on your period?"

"You know," she abruptly turns around, making him bump into her, "I hate that you know me that well. And, no I've got like another week, I think."

"Well, it'd be dumb if I didn't pick on something, at this point," he chuckles. "And, you think?"

"Yeah... what's today?"

"The fifteenth. I only know that, ‘cause my milk expired today."

"I hope you threw it away."

"I will, when I get home."

She scoffs. "Anyway. It usually comes on the twentieth."

"Oh, okay. Oh yeah! What did they say about you performing?"

"I'm gonna perform on their night for new talent," a cheesy smile makes its way onto both of their faces.

"That's amazing! When??" He asks.

"Friday! Can you make it?"

"Hey, I told you that I would be there. I might have to tie Lee to his chair for a few hours," he says, making Stevie roll her eyes at his antics, "but, I'll be there."

༺═──────────────────────────────═༻

For the past fifteen minutes, Stevie has been pacing back and forth, rehearsing her poem.

To say she's nervous is definitely an understatement. If it wasn't a guarantee that Rod would be able to make it to her performance, she might've went insane.

"Okay, Nikki Giovanni, you ready?” Tyler walks into her room, fiddling with the cuffs on her black button-down.

Stevie scoffs at the name. "Don't give me that much credit. You think Nikki got this nervous, before her performances?"

"Duh. Everybody's susceptible to being nervous. You're gonna kill it, alright? Don't stress.” She assures her, rubbing her shoulder.

"Thanks. How do I look?"

"Like you wanna end up pregnant, by the end of the night." 

Stevie rolls her eyes, turning back to the mirror.

"What?? You asked." Tyler defends.

"Yes. Cause, a simple “you look good” wouldn't have sufficed."

"Well, that was my way of saying it. But, okay you look so damn good, friend!  Are you ready, now?" Tyler asks, smirking at the middle finger she gave her through the mirror.

"Yeah.” She sighs, reaching for her coat and bag. “Let's go, before I hide under my bed."

“Oh my god!” Tyler cackles, pushing her out of the room and down the steps.

Fifteen minutes later, Rod heads backstage, finding Stevie knocking back a shot of Brandy. As she fixes her skirt, he slides up behind her, waving the pink roses in her line of sight.

"For you, beautiful."

The gasp she lets out makes him laugh. She turns around and throws her arms around his neck.

"Thank you, baby! And, thank God, you're here. I've been going absolutely crazy for the last hour!"

"I thought you said you weren't nervous?" He sits the flowers on the table and rubs her shoulders.

"Well, I wasn't! Until I re-realized that I'd be speaking in front of a bunch of strangers and now I'm terrified. What if I mess up? What if they don't like it, you know? What if I vomit on stage, like I did when I was younger??" She spirals, wide-eyed.

"Hey, look at me." He cups her chin, her wandering orbs lining up with his. "You're gonna go out there and do amazing. You're not gonna mess up. It's normal to be nervous. It's your first time. But, you've got this. Your poetry is phenomenal. Anybody would be a fool to dislike it."

"You really mean that?" She asks.

"Every word."

A playful pout graces her lips as she kisses him.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now, can I get something off my chest, right quick?" He asks with a heavy breath.

Her freshly waxed left brow raises.

"What?"

"You look so fucking good, vie.”

She blushes, instantly.

“Yeah?” Her voice came out small.

“Mm, smell good, too. Do a spin for me,” he steps away from her, watching her twirl.

Her curls bounced underneath her brown fur hat, skin shimmering in her matching off the shoulder top and pants, chunky heels to set the look off. Mascara, her signature lip and scent combo.

"Mm.. whatever you want, you can have it."

"Shut up!" She laughs as he pulls her back to him.

"I'm serious."

"Anything, huh?"

"Mhm., my car, my crib, money... last name, kids.." their lips naturally reunite in heat, squashing her nerves and almost making her forget about her whereabouts.

"Rod," her hands slide up his chest.

"Hm?"

"It's almost time for me to go on," she mumbles, giggling at his relentless pecks.

"Aight. you still nervous?"

"No, but I've gotta redo my lipstick, now." She shakes her head, wiping it off his mouth.

"My bad, shorty. I can't get enough, sometimes."

"Hey, Stevie!— oh, I'm sorry. I'll come back.

They turn to look at Suga in the doorway, before snickering.

"No, you're fine! Suga, this is my boyfriend, Rod. Rod, this is Suga."

"It's nice to meet you! I've heard nothing but wonderful things." They shake hands.

"Likewise. I appreciate you helpin' my girl out and getting her up on this stage."

"It's no problem. She's a super talented woman."

"That, she is." His gaze lingers on Stevie, making her swoon at the sight.

"So cute! I just came to tell you that we've got a couple minutes. You all set to go?"

"Yeah, let me fix my makeup, really quick." She rushes over towards her bag to reapply.

"Ima go grab my seat." he walks over and kisses the top of her head. "You're gonna do amazing."

"Thank you, baby." She smiles.

He mirrors her expression, before heading out to the front.

"Where'd you find him? He got any brothers?" Suga asks, sitting on the leather couch.

“That he does, let me find out you tryna get the hook up,” Stevie laughs, turning towards her once she's done.

“Hook me up, girl!” Suga joins in, before standing to her feet. “You ready?”

"I am! Let's do this."

༺═──────────────────────────────═༻

“Alright y'all, give it up for our next newcomer, Stevie!”

The applause makes Stevie smile as she emerges from behind the curtain and takes Suga's spot on the stage.

"Thanks," she nervously pushes a curl behind her ear. "I'm a little nervous, so bear with me. This piece is called Would it be okay? It's a personal piece of mine. I'm actually really excited to share it with y'all, so I hope y'all enjoy it." Her eyes set on Rod, sending a wink his way.

A soft light graces her physique as she calms herself and begins speaking.

Would it be okay?

If I stayed around.

If I got comfortable, in your presence.

Slip into your shadows,

Keep you safe.

Would it be okay?

If I loved you more than life.

If I screamed it to the heavens,

Even though God, herself, already knew?

Destiny. Fate.

I can't hide it.

Would it be okay?

If I was scared...

If I wanted you to hold me in your arms.

Shield me from my troubles.

Would it be okay?

If making love to you was my favorite pastime.

Your lips on mine.

Your breath on me.

Your touch.

Your taste.

Would it be okay?

If I wanted to live in your skin.

Would it be okay?

The whistles, snaps and cheering pulls her out of the locked gaze that her and Rod were locked in.

She gracefully bows and heads offstage, immediately getting pulled into a bear hug from Tyler and Suga.

"Can I just say.... wow!” Tyler claps.

"You did amazing!! I mean, I knew you had potential, but the way you commanded everybody's attention up there?? That was a sight to see." Suga praises.

"Thanks, you guys! It felt great to finally get up there. That was a rush!” She laughs.

"I think someone else enjoyed it, too." Rod clears his throat, making his way around the girls to the other side of Stevie, flowers back in hand.

"Again," he laughs, "these are for you. You did absolutely amazing." The twinkle in his eyes makes her melt.

"Thank you, baby." Grabbing the bouquet from him, she holds them close to her chest, blushing underneath his gaze.

"Ugh, this feels like high school love!” Tyler faux sobs, earning a collective sucking of the teeth from the pair.

"Go find your boyfriend and leave me alone, ty." Stevie says with a roll of the eyes.

"Ah, she's conquered her stage fright and now she's being feisty. You're on a roll, tonight." She winks.

"You two are a mess," Rod adds with a chuckle.

"Indeed. Come on, Tyler. You two can fight, later." Angel hooks their arms and leads them towards the other side of the club.

Rod leads Stevie towards their table, pulling out her chair for her. "What do you want to drink?"

"You know, cosmos have become my favorite, as of late." She cheeses.

"Comin' right up." He winks, heading towards the bar.

"Hey, pretty lady!" Chad stops at her table. "You did amazing!"

"Oh, thank you!"

"No problem. You got some serious talent."

"I appreciate that. It was nerve racking, getting up there, but I'm glad I finally did it."

"So, you gonna make this a regular thing? The crowd loved you."

"It's always been my dream!, it'd be kinda stupid if I didn't. I'm gonna talk to Carmen—"

"Consider it done. I'll run it by her and get back to you. Sound good?"

"Hell yeah!," she jumps in her seat, laughing.

"Aight, good! You know, if you start gettin' real good, we start paying you."

"Really??, that sounds amazing." Rod comes back to the table with drinks in hand, his gaze on Chad.

"Hey, man." Chad greets him.

"Wassup.," he gives a stiff nod.

"Ya girl is pressure, no denyin' it. I just came to congratulate her on her debut night."

"I appreciate y'all lettin' her shine, up there."

"A diamond shines everywhere she goes.," Stevie slightly chokes on her drink at his corniness, covering it up with a small laugh. "You two enjoy the rest of your night. I'll see you, soon." He pats her shoulder and walks away.

"What was y'all talking about?" His gaze shifts to her, chuckling at the little dance she's doing in her seat to faint music playing.

"He's gonna talk to Carmen and see if I can make this a regular thing., and if I start getting really good, they'll start paying me." She cheeses, sipping on her drink.

"Really?," his eyes light up, "that's amazing, baby." He rubs her knee.

"Isn't it? I could stop working at Claire's, even though, I love her so much, I could!"

"You could. You should tell her, I'm sure she'd be happy for you."

"Yeah, I'll tell her when I go in, tomorrow."

"What time you gotta be there?"

"Three."

He nods, bringing his drink up to his lips. Her eyes dance over his face as the knowing smirk comes out to play, once his glass returns to the table.

"I'm gonna put you in time out." She folds her arms on the table, leaning towards her drink.

"Why?"

"Because, you keep putting me out of commission," they share a laugh.

"You so fine, I can't help it." He wets his bottom lip, making her bite her own.

"Trouble, is what you are." She speaks lowly, shaking her head.

The hand that's on her knee starts to walk up her thigh, spreading out to cuff her flesh. "And somehow... you're at the center of it, every time."

༺═──────────────────────────────═༻

Heavy breathing can be heard throughout the dimly lit bedroom.

His lips sliding off hers, taut ass in her grip with every stroke grazing against her spot, driving her crazy.

"Oh shhhit!," her whines float through the air as he digs deeper, while nipping at her soft skin.

"Wanna live in my skin, huh?" He rasps in her ear.

"Yes, baby," she breathily whimpers.

Coming back into her line of view with his hand slowly gripping her neck, his lips hover over he own.

"Tell me you love me," he mumbles, tugging at her bottom lip.

"Unh...I love you," her jaw slacks as he picks up his pace, stimulating her spot with more pressure. Her hands grip his biceps, tightly.

"Say it, again."

"I love you, shit!.... that feels so good," she moans, her legs wrapping around his waist.

"Say it again, baby," he reaches his free hand in between them to rub her clit, her hand quickly gripping his wrist.

"I love you," she whimpers, staring into his eyes.

“Fuck, I love you vie.”

He leans up and speeds up, her hands find the back of his neck as her eyes roll back.

"You're gonna make me cum!"

"Mhm, cum on this dick."

A whine like no other leaves her lips as her eyes roll back, her walls tighten around him as her orgasm jolts through her, leaving her entire body thumping.

A chill rushes up his spine as he brings his thrusts to a halt.

"Fuck..” he moans, leaning down to kiss her lips as she comes down enough to reciprocate, her tongue finding his own.

He grunts and pulls away, flipping her over. With her ass high in the air, his palm quickly reddens her flesh and makes her leak down her thighs, double time.

"Look at that." His thumb circles her clit, her body seizing up at his touch. "Makin' a mess all over my sheets, girl." His mouth salivates at the sight of her nectar leaking down her leg.

"Mmf," she bites her lip, "don't tease me, baby..."

Lining back up with her sticky entrance, he pushes into her roughly, earning a heavy gasp from her.

"Oooh, shit!"

Picking up his tempo, he adds a roll of his hips, sending her clawing at his thigh with one hand and clawing at the sheets with the other.

"Oh shit, oh shit! Oh fuck!" Her thighs tremble as her orgasm creams onto his already soaked shaft.

"That's right," his grip tightens on her waist. "Soak that dick." 

Pulling out, he taps his dick against her clit before pushing back in, picking up where he left off.

"Unh! s-slow down," she grasps his thigh.

Doing just that, he wraps an arm around her, gripping her neck. Her hands find the sheets, gripping them up as he sensually wines his hips into her.

"Just like that.... oh, babyyy!"

Nose deep in her sweet-smelling hair, his moans become more frequent, turning her on. She begins to meet him halfway, adding more friction.

"Shit, vie... feel like a fucking dream." His free hand slaps her ass as he tries to regain control. Reaching back, she digs her nails into his hip.

"Fuck!— ugh! Unh! Just like that!"

Digging deeper, her eyes roll back and her moans increase in volume.

"Just like this?"

"—yes!”

Her thighs quiver as she tries to push him away, the pleasure becoming too much. Grabbing her wrists and binding them behind her back, he continues.

"Take it, then."

Her moans are muffled as her face hides in the cover. Eyes shut tightly as her body tightens up, a breathy curse leaving her lips.

"Shit..." he moans, pulling out slowly and pushing back in, their breathing falls in sync as the heat in the room rises.

Releasing her wrists, he pulls her up in his lap as she leans up on her hands. 

One hand in her curls and the other wrapped around her neck, his strokes start off curt. Her brows furrow as her moans fill his ears.

"Oh fuck! Oh fuck," fingers gripping the sheets, her toes curl at the intensity of her pleasure.

"Say my name." He rasps.

"Rod," she yelps.

"Say it, again."

"Oh my God, Roderick!" She moans. "You're gonna make me c—cum!"

"Fuck... keep squeezin' me, baby."

"Oh my God... oh my God," her breath gets caught in her throat, while her climax rises to the surface. His own on the horizon with every stroke.

"Cum on this dick, baby.... I feel it.. give it to me," the gravel in his tone makes her soak his lap with a single squeal. His own orgasm forcing his body to fall slack on hers.

Flattening out underneath him, she laughs a bit, pushing her hair out of her face, while he repositions himself to not totally crush her, even though she didn't mind.

"Wanna know something?" He asks, intertwining their fingers, his beard tickling the bare skin of her shoulder as he places kisses there.

"What?"

"Makin' love to you is my favorite pastime, too." He replies with a goofy grin, making her giggle.

༺═──────────────────────────────═༻

Tiredly pulling the door open, Stevie heads in the back, stuffing her jacket in her locker. Taking her hair-tie off her wrist, she pulls her curls into a sloppy bun and heads back up front.

"Hey, girl," Rena waves, her and Alana studying her worn out expression.

She grabs her apron and glances at them.

"Hey, guys.”

"Are you alright?" Alana asks.

"Yeah, I'm just tired."

"Oh yeah! Your debut was last night. How'd it go?" Rena asks, excitedly.

"It went great.” Stevie smiles, leaning on the countertop.

"I was nervous as hell, but I made it through. Everybody really liked it. That also kinda made me kinda nervous, but also really happy.” She laughs.

"Aw, that's so great! I'm so happy for you!" Alana says.

"Yeah, that's amazing," Rena adds, "did you celebrate?"

"Yeah, and I probably shouldn't have."

"Why not?"

"Well, I've got a hangover and I was almost late." She sighs.

"Relax, sweet cheeks," Claire comes out of her office. "I know last night was super important to you. I wouldn't have tripped."

"Thanks, Claire."

"Of course. Did your rock head of a boyfriend like it?"

Stevie laughs. "He liked it more than anybody else."

"Oh, that's why ya ass was limpin' when you came in," Rena mumbles, before tending to a customer.

Stevie rolls her eyes. "Maybe you should get laid."

"Relax," Rena defends. "I was just playing around."

"Mm... Anyway," she turns back towards Claire.

"I've gotta talk to you, later. It's super important."

Claire excuses them, pulling them into her cozy office.

"So, how was your night?" She asks.

"It was great! I was so nervous, but the reassurance that I received mellowed me out. I got up on that stage and I knew, at that moment, that I belonged up there. It was amazing." Stevie gushes.

"That's incredible, babe. I gotta come and see you! I'm sad I missed the first one."

"That'd be great. I'd love for you to come!”

"Let me know when your next performance is and I'll put it on my calendar. Now, what's this dilemma you've got going on?"

"Well, Carmen said that if I start getting really good, they'll start paying me." She says, twiddling her fingers.

"Really?? Oh, that's guaranteed money, then! I'm sure you're amazing!"

"Well, I think I'm alright—but, yeah! That's huge, right? I get paid to do what I love."

"Anybody's dream, yes. I'm not seeing an issue here."

"If I start getting paid there.. I could start doing that more often and not.. have to work here anymore."

"Absolutely. I would hope that you wouldn't pass up an opportunity of a lifetime, to serve coffee with some friends."

The sarcasm in her voice makes Stevie laugh.

"Did you think I was gonna be upset?"

"Well, maybe upset isn't the word."

"Well, it's gonna suck not having you here, but I'd never keep you from doing what you love. That's not a friend."

"This is true. Well, nothing's official, yet. You still have me."

"And, I'm delighted!"

“Okay,” she breathes. “I feel better now.”

༺═──────────────────────────────═༻

Slinging her bag over her chair, Stevie turns her lamp on and sits down, opening up her poetry book.

Clicking her pen, she begins to write.

Love so amazing,

It outshines the moon.

Love so hot,

It burns brighter than the sun.

So intense,

It makes you blush.

So—

She smudges her writing as the ringing of her new house phone scares the mess out of her. Snatching the cordless phone off its base, without looking at the caller ID, she utters a slightly agitated hello.

"Ah, breaking the phone in with attitude, are we?" Rod's voice comes through.

"Well, you know, the ringer is extremely loud on this thing. Sorry for the attitude, I suppose."

"You suppose, huh? Guess we'll see about that, later."

"Whatever. How's work?" She asks, twirling a random strand of hair around her finger.

He laughs. "It's cool. I miss you."

"Aw, I miss you too. Want me to come by? I can bring you food, if you haven't eaten yet."

"I'd love that. Seeing your pretty face always brightens my mood." She blushes.

"Oh, stoppp," she drags out, closing her book and standing up from her chair.

"What do you want to eat?"

"Uh, how about pizza?"

"Alright. I'm gonna change and get the food, and I'll be there."

"Okay, babe. See you soon."

About thirty minutes later he hears the chime go off, Rod turns around to see Stevie walking through the door. He snickers at her wardrobe.

"You cold, babygirl?" He asks, gesturing towards his black sweatshirt swallowing her top half, while her black leggings cling to her bottom half.

"Yes!" Her teeth chatter as she sits the pizza box on the counter, rounding the counter to stuff her face into his chest. "It's windy as hell, out there."

"Aw," he coos, rubbing his warm hands over her back. "I'll turn the heat up."

"Thank you. Where do you want me to put this?" she points to the pizza box.

Moving away from her, he locks the door and hangs the sign, before grabbing the pizza from her.

"Follow me."

Following him into the second room on the right, she sits down at the black round table. He opens the box and pulls out a slice.

She follows suit, picking the pepperonis off and popping them in her mouth. He chuckles at the sight.

"One day, it's gonna land on your nose." He jokes. She rolls her eyes.

"Shut up. How's your day been?" He sits in the chair beside her, still munching on his food.

"It's actually been pretty dead in here, today. But, I'm not trippin. We still made sales for the day. How's your writing going?" He grabs a napkin and cleans his hands.

"Well, before you called me, I was in my zone," she laughs. "I think it'll be the next piece I perform."

"Look at you, all bright eyed and bushy tailed!" He teases, poking her cheek.

"You sound like an old man!" She jokes.

“Old?” He laughs, clutching his chest in faux hurt.

“Old as hell,” she nods.

"Alaina, I will throw you outta here." He chuckles.

"In the cold?? The disrespect."

"Yeah, well," he shrugs.

"Yeah, well," she mocks, throwing a balled up napkin at him.

"Keep it up." He stands from his chair, heading towards the soda machine, grabbing two cokes.

"Or what?"

"Ima let you find out."

༺═──────────────────────────────═༻

Plopping down on her bed, she stares at her clock, snorting as it reads 3:45 a.m.

"I'm gonna kill you." She groans, just as Rod waltzes into the room. Handing her a bottle of water, he sits down beside her.

"What did I do, besides what you asked me to?"

"I asked you to damn near break me in half?" She asks, an incredulous look on her face, making him crack up.

"Those weren't your exact words—but, yes, you were asking for it. Then, you didn't want me to stop."

She thanks God that the room is dark and the rosiness of her cheeks are concealed. "Anyway—"

"Mhm. That's what I thought."

"Anyways! Tyler and I are supposed to get our hair done tomorrow, because one of her cousins is getting married, and she asked Tyler at the last minute to be a damn bridesmaids and for whatever reason, I have to be one, too."

"A wedding in the fall? Hm.. that's uh..”

"It's cold. That's the word you're looking for."

"What are the colors?"

"White and gold. The usual."

"You know what the dress looks like?"

"Not yet, no. I'll see it tomorrow."

"When's the wedding?"

"Saturday. I hope the wind doesn't blow us down."

"You're so dramatic, you know that?"

"I do. You're annoying, did you know that?" She smirks.

"I did," he joins in on the laughter.

"Good. Now, can we go to sleep?"

"Hey, we coulda been sleeping, a long time ago. But, someone wanted to ride around and smoke."

She scoffs and snatches her pullover off, along with her sweats and gets under the cover.

He laughs and follows suit, pulling her back into his chest. The warmth of his body made her turn in his hold and snuggle closer to him.

"Love you." She whispers.

"Love you too, you little brat."

Love so amazing,

It outshines the moon.

Love so hot,

It burns brighter than the sun.

So intense,

It makes you blush.

So genuine, 

It makes your heart flutter.

Who knew it could all feel like a fairytale?

Who knew it could be this sweet?

Who knew love, like this, existed?

Who knew...

@ghostfacekill-monger @thegifstories @harmshake @honeysunned @lemmewritesomeish @blowmymbackout @planetblaque @motheroffae @blackerthings @sheabuttahwrites @abeautifulmindexposed @honestpreference @mauvecherie-writes @megamindsecretlair @henneseyhoe @vonsbabymama2005 @consent-is-king @twistedcharismaaa @starcrossedxwriter

[russolover]

My Girls

Bean.

Thats how you and Alessia called your future daughter as you didn't agree on a name yet. The blonde was currently 3 months pregnant and the cravings were taking over your sleep schedule.

You swore to yourself that you'd do anything to make the pregnancy easier for Alessia, since she was the one carrying the baby. This included getting her weird snacks and an unlimited amount of massages and back rubs.

It was currently 2 am in the morning and you had a grumpy italian waking you up demanding donuts. Your eyes weren't even fully opened before she started speaking again.

"Y/n I want donuts"

She whined pressing her face into your neck. You placed your hand underneath her shirt, slowly rubbing her back as she relaxed into your body.

"What donuts do you want baby?"

You mumbled tiredly as she wrapped her arms around your torso.

"The pink sprinkled ones with jam filling please"

"Alright, anything else?"

You finally opened your eyes to Alessia already looking at you. She thought about your question for a second before replying.

"Hmm.. no I just want don- or maybe those pickles from a few days ago, they were really good"

You chuckled softly as you got out of bed and put on a hoodie and some sweatpants.

"Okay amore I'll go get it"

"Wait I want to go with you"

The blonde replied, putting on one of your hoodies before intertwining your hand with hers.

Mood swings and clinginess were also making appearances the last few days but it didn't phase you. Especially the clinginess since you loved spending time with the italian.

But you were lying if you said you'd enjoy the mood swings, especially when you don't know how to cheer her up when the reasoning behind her crying was that the she already ate all the ice cream before she could put sprinkles on it

However, this was all worth it because in 6 months you and Alessia would be welcoming bean.

You told your wife to wait in the car as you got the donuts for you. To your dismay they didn’t have jam filled ones anymore, you took them since those were better than having no donuts at all.

When you got back to your car the Italians eyes light up as she saw the box.

„Thank you my love“

She said excitedly as she kissed your cheek before taking the box from you.

„Baby they didn’t have the jam filled ones so I just took the normal ones“

You could see her face dropping and immediately knew what that meant.

„Wha- no jam?“

„we can get jam at tesco and I’ll put them inside if you want“

„I just wanted jam filled ones“

„Less-

She started sniffling and tears were covering her eyes. You took the box from her hands and put them on the backseat before pulling the Italian on your lap.

You cupped her cheeks as you wiped away the remaining tears.

„Baby I’m sorry they didn’t have jam filled ones but I promise I’ll make them taste exactly like the ones we usually get, okay?“

„Okay“

She whispered as you gave her one proper kiss before she went back to her seat. Filling jam into donuts at 3am, just a normal Thursday night right?

After the quick trip to Tesco you finally had everything the blonde wanted.

Now you stood at the counter, with a piping bag full of jam trying to fill the donuts. Alessia was sitting on the countertop happily snacking on her pickles.

Your first attempt was pretty bad but from there on it actually worked out.

„Here you go, jam filled donuts“

You presented proudly to the girl in front of you. Alessia couldn’t contain her smile as she looked at the treats in front of her. It was the fact you put so much effort into satisfying her cravings that made her happy.

She took one of the donuts and had a big bite tasting the strawberry goodness.

„Y/n they’re amazing“

She moaned at the sweet flavour.

„I’m glad you like them less“

You kissed her temple before crouching down so you were facing her stomach.

„Your mommy is having your favourite sweets bean, enjoy it bubba“

You said as you placed another kiss on Alessias little bump. The blonde looking at you sweetly before pulling you into a hug.

„Thank you baby, I really appreciate it“

She mumbled into your shoulder as she played with the babyhairs on your neck.

„Everything for my girls“

You said as you placed your lips on hers.

[maochira]

Hiiii may I request for Baki VS Kengen Ashura?

So would it be really cool if Kazuo Yamashita’s Lesbian!daughter fought in the arena? But what if she wasn’t even scheduled to fight. And when Pickle arrives, that’s who she faces off against. Ohh! Can her nickname be “Mariposa” because her fighting style allows her to never touch the ground. Basically grappling onto the opponent!!!

(Mariposa is Spanish for ‘Butterfly’)

KAZUO WITH A LESBIAN DAUGHTER (MEEEEE I'M HIS LESBOAN DAUGHTER IRL‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️)

Tags: fem!lesbian!reader, reader is a teenager but can kick ass, adding my Baki OC Ikumi Shinogi in the last few headcanons because there are no canon female fighters

You were very. VERY. Upset over not having a fight scheduled for the tournament. You begged Metsudo but he didn't have a fitting opponent and the fights were already set

Being the stubborn teenager you are, you watched the first fight with a pout and talked down the moves and techniques

You were especially jealous when Raian's and Jack's fight started because you were convinced you could beat Jack easily since you're the best against tall opponents

Then suddenly Pickle appeared. You immediately used the chance and jumped out of your seat

Kazuo tried to hold you back but you easily escaped his grip and jumped into the arena. On top of Pickle's shoulders to be exact

Your father watches in horror. He's on the verge of a mental breakdown. Hyperventilating sweating almost passing out.

Kaede and Ohma barely keep him alive at this point

Everyone watches in amazement as you easily fight Pickle. Even to Baki it looks so easy when you do it

Sayaka and Jerry are super unprepared for your appearance but their commentary slays regardless

"First the unknown beast, then the mysterious fighter Mariposa appeared!"

Also lots of comparing the fight to a monster fighting off a soft gentle butterfly and of course you have the upper hand

Metsudo and Tokugawa are going CRAZY over your fight. Highlight of the day. Nothing else is gonna beat this. They're fangirling like teenage girls seeing their favourite boyband live for the first time

While the fight looks so easy to the spectators, you're putting all of your energy into this. You're going to the end of your abilities and beyond. You've got your mind set on proving your strength not only to the Kengan fighters, but also everyone else who's watching

Pickle eventually stops fighting and goes down in front of you to show he sees himself as below you. He knows he wouldn't be able to beat you and you would never end up as his food

As soon as your fight is done, all sorts of people run towards you. Especially Baki and Katsumi are intrigued by your skills

Before they can talk to you Ohma suddenly stands behind you and tells them "Don't even try. She's gay and also A MINOR" and he gets ready to fight them

The way Katsumi and Baki immediately ran towards you reminded Ohma of the way Karura would always approach him. He just needed to make sure

No matter what they try, Ohma won't let anyone get near you. He's convinced they'll just act like Karura acts towards him

Then suddenly a young woman approaches you. She introduces herself as Ikumi Shinogi and asks you for another fight later, to give the viewers more of a taste what you female fighters are capable of

You sadly have to decline because the fight against Pickle wore you out, but you happily accept the offer to have a fight on another day

[sassylegshayne]

marry me, idiot. - chapter four

oh my god it's so angsty and there's so much cussing and I really don't know what else to say ab it lmfao I hope you guys like it bc I love this chapter sm okay lmk what you think!!! 4.1k words mwah xx!!

series masterlist

It started to seem like days in the office began to blend together, the month and a half since you and Spencer got accidentally engaged flew by. It was a whirlwind of shoots, editing, and meetings as you prepared to announce it to the world.

After a few weeks with no leaks known to the team it was decided that waiting would be for the best. You and Spencer spent more time in front of the camera as ever before. You didn't expect so many of the wedding videos to be shot so early, but Zoe made the point that the wedding planning could take quite a while.

Your last shoot for a few months was scheduled for today. It was an Eat It Or Yeet It wedding cake episode that left you with a bitter taste in your mouth, literally. You waited through the first two, allowing Olivia to get a red velvet sriracha cake and Damien to taste a pickle juice cake, which he of course claimed to enjoy.

You stared Spencer down as you slammed the bell, just barely beating him as he screamed out. The cake looked normal, and frankly good. The slice of cake appeared to be a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, so you decided to take a large bite.

"Look at this!" You defended as Spencer criticized your bite. "It's gonna be good, Spence, and am not sorry about it."

You shrugged and laughed as he scoffed, shaking his head. He continued to claim you would regret it as the others began to count you down.

"I hope it's just super salty or something, you deserve it." Spencer called over the others, crossing his arms with a smug look as he watched you take your bite.

You sat back immediately, your face dropping as you covered your mouth. Garrett shrugged and laughed nervously as you looked to him with a saddened expression.

Spencer turned over his shoulder, grabbing the bucket as his faux anger had quickly melted into concerned as you chewed slowly. Courtney slapped his shoulder softly with the cards, chastising him for stealing her job.

You chewed in slow silence, choking out a wish for water once you had finally swallowed it. Cheers erupted as you gulped down your water, groaning as you sat back.

"What was it? I'm sorry I wished that hell on you." Spencer chuckled as he placed his hand on your thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze as you rolled your eyes.

"Shayne should try it." You stated, pushing the plate towards him as Shayne began to cackle. Damien scrunching his face as everyone else began to laugh.

Olivia sat in confusion, looking around to the others. "Wait, what is it?"

"Y/N, what you just had was.." Courtney began, moving behind you as she read off the card. "Chocolate malic acid cake! Which is made of chocolate cake mix, malic acid, chocolate frosting, and more malic acid!"

You gagged a bit as Spencer wrapped his arms around your shoulders after Courtney removed your bib. He placed a kiss to your temple, mumbling another apology as he chuckled. You pulled away, pointing your finger at Spencer with your brows furrowed.

"You should have to take the big bite for that. You put that shit on me so you deserve it, if it's the worst bite, which I hope it is." You spoke pointedly as Spencer's eyes widened, rasing his hands in surrender.

"Okay, that's fair." He quickly responded, nodding frantically as you laughed, nudging your shoulder with his as the next dish was placed on the table.

"I think Y/N could punch you in the face and you would thank her." Damien quipped, pulling a loud laugh from Kiana behind the cameras. Shayne was greeted with what looked to be a confetti cake, but there was no telling what it could really be.

Shayne groaned, rubbing his face with one hand as the other slowly hovered over the button, dropping his hand dramatically as everyone cheered.

"I want it to be confetti cake but it's probably, like, microplastics or some shit." Shayne chuckled as he got some onto the fork, rolling his eyes and flipping the bird when Garrett tells him to get more frosting.

Shayne was pleasantly surprised to get a normal cake, leaving Spencer groaning.

"Goddamnit, Shayne." Spencer slapped the table, laughing as Shayne gave a thumbs up and went back in for another bite.

Courtney called it to be a perfectly normal cake mush to the dismay of everyone else. When Courtney pulls the cover from the tray, everyone begins to count down in confusion.

The slice looked very similar to yours from earlier, maybe a bit neater, but near identical. Spencer silently hit the button, slumped in his seat as you giggled beside him. He stayed silent as everyone was in fits of laughter as Spencer's pure misery.

"You're doing this to me, I want you to know that." He turned to you, laughing softly as the countdown began for the final time.

Spencer waited, slowly moving the bite to his mouth. He remained stoic for a second, but once he had realized it wasn't something bad his eyes fluttered shut as he let out a soft whine.

You gasped as he grinned, finishing his bite to loud cheers as Courtney removed his bib. Spencer pressed a kiss to your cheek, laughing softly as you sat in bewilderment.

"Thank you for that, that was fucking delicious." He laughed, handing you a fork from Garrett, inviting you to try it.

"What you just ate was 'Mythical Chef Josh's German Chocolate Cake'! Holy cow, that was a lot of words." Courtney laughed, flinging the card behind her. You groaned quietly, mirroring Spencer as the flavors melted on your tongue.

"We're not gonna tell you the ingredients because he gave us way too many!" Courtney called out as laughter rang from everyone.

"Fuck, can we get Josh to make this for our wedding cake?" You laughed as you went in for more.

Spencer felt a tug at his heart strings,nyet another pang in his chest as you picked up another bite, his eyes following your every move.

He's known for so long that he was in love with you, he's known for fucking years. He got you two into this situation, you'd been around each other and focused on this wedding for a bit now.

But in this moment, a moment he'll be so thankful that Alex had swung his camera in time to catch and thankful that Kiana had fought to keep the clip in, he would realized just how much he loved you.

The words sat on the tip of his tongue, his feelings clear in his eyes to everyone but you. You just grinned at him, offering him a bite of the cake, your other hand hovering just below his chin to catch any crumbs.

All Spencer could bring himself to do was smile and accept. He stuffed his mouth to keep himself from spilling the vomit of words he wanted to say.

There was so many small ways he told you that he loved you, but he couldn't just say that; he knew a jumbled mess of a confession to his years and years worth of love for you would make its way out.

So Spencer was quick to grab his fork, nodding and giving a thumbs up as he took another bite, eating almost half of the slice by the time Courtney finished the outro, jumping from his stool almost as soon as wrap was called.

You scooted out of your chair in confusion as your eyes followed Spencer, watching as he quickly took off his mic pack and darted out of the door.

Shayne and Damien turned to you with similar perplexed looks. You were quick to follow suit as everyone began to shuffle about the set.

You head toward the central part of the office, catching sight of Spencer in the communal kitchen, leaning down to look into the fridge. He turns, a kickstart in his hand, as he notices your entering the small space. Spencer is quick to smile at you.

"What up, wifey?" He chuckles, opening the can as you raise a brow. He'd picked up the new nickname in the last couple of days after you were gifted a cup with it splayed across the side.

"You okay, Spence?" You questioned softly, approaching him with open arms, smiling as he opened his embrace. The two of you hugged as Spencer scoffed, rubbing your back softly.

"Of course l'm okay, why wouldn't be? This is honestly going way better than could've imagined." He grinned, that pang in his chest returning from earlier.

He wasnt lying to you, but it sure felt like it. He was having a great time, and it was going way better than he expected, but his feelings are becoming very, very strong.

Spencer didn't expect it to affect him this much, especially after this long. It almost felt like he was falling for you all over again. You pulled away, smiling softly at him as you took his free hand in yours, giving it a gentle Squeeze.

"We made an agreement, if anything is making you feel weird or uncomfortable you can tell me. I really fucking mean that, dude." You huffed, brows furrowed as Spencer chuckled and nodded.

"I know, it's all good, I swear." He stepped forward, placing a kiss to your forehead before he slid past you, quietly heading toward your office.

You stood there, chewing your lip softly as you slumped a bit. Spencer was really begining to worry you. His mood shifted so quickly, you'd gone the whole morning just as normal, even then entire shoot was fine. He just switched as soon as wrap was called.

Spencer seemed almost cold when you asked, shocking you a bit. You were used to telling each other everything, from the moment the two of you met, there was an unspoken trust that helped your friendship and feelings blossom so quickly.

So the feeling in your gut that Spencer was holding something back was much more jarring than you could've expected. You couldn't even expect it, this wasn't a situation you'd ever thought of before. You were lost.

You could only think of one person you could go to as you pulled your phone from your pocket, opening your texts.

"ki can we do lunch please?"

Kiana squinted as she glanced at her phone, the stage lights causing a glare as she sat at the Games' set preparing a board game for the next shoot.

She sat up straight, only slightly alarmed by the text. She'd been biting her tongue since Spencer rushed off, her romantic heart racing when you followed after him. She wanted to follow after you, wishing to be a fly on the wall but chose to stay, knowing you two needed the privacy.

She wanted with every fiber of her being to believe that you had something good to tell her, but the pit in her stomach argued otherwise. Kiana responded quickly, promising to meet you at her desk in five minutes.

"Lizzy," Kiana called as she rose from her seat, beckoning her over. "I gotta run, would you be able to finish this up?"

Lizzy agreed, nodding as she shooed Kiana off, ignoring her profuse thank you's. Kiana smile softly as she entered her office, finding slumped in her chair, spinning slowly.

"Wanna order food?" She asked you as she quietly shut the door behind herself. You skidded to a stop, nodding as your eyes met Kiana's. Your brows were furrowed and your stress was clear on your face.

Kiana took the seat opposite for you, shifting a bit in the tough chair. She never knew just how uncomfortable her chairs were, making a mental note to order different ones.

"I'm ordering, you talk." She spoke, eyes on her phone as she nodded at you, causing you to nod back.

"Okay, Spencer's being really fucking weird and it's freaking me out. He ran off set so followed him, which I know you saw." You narrow your eyes, pointing your finger at her. Kiana smirks, eyes still down on her phone as her fingers speed about the screen.

"He was in the kitchen and he seemed like he was pretending to be fine. He was acting normal, he hugged me, he kissed my forehead, he told me he was fine and promised me that he was okay:" You huffed as Kiana locked her phone, setting it down on the desktop as she leaned back, eyes meeting yours.

"I honestly think it's just starting to get to him and he just doesn't wanna say anything about it. He's apologized over this so many times, Ki, no matter how often I tell him that love it." You groan, resting your head in your hands as you feel that same gut feeling from before.

"Y/N," Kiana spoke softly, offering you a sympathetic smile. "Spencer tells you everything, maybe he needs some time to sort out his feelings, yanno? He probably just wants to figure himself out before he tells you, he hates stressing you out."

You nodded a bit, not fully convinced but not willing to argue as your head began to pound. As if punishment from the universe, Kiana's phone rang loudly, causing you to jump a bit.

Ki answered quick, offering you hushed apologies as she spoke quietly, before excusing herself, your food waiting at the front.

You waved lazily as you laid your head on her desk the exhaustion hitting you full force. The busy schedule and your highstrung emotions were finally catching up with you it seemed.

Kiana peeked into the editing room as she walked past on her way to the front, frowning softly as she caught sight of Spencer. He sat with his headphones on, his face bored with a half eaten sandwich beside him.

Alex, one of the Games' producers, gave Kiana a small smile anda nod as he passed her, heading into the office she had just been peering into.

Alex pulled your chair out, quickly catching Spencer's attention, his brows furrowed as his head snapped towards Alex.

"I come in peace, dude." Alex chuckled, his hands raised as he sat down beside him, bumping your chair gently into Spencer's.

Spencer grinned, quickly putting on a face as he removed his headphones. He wasn't stupid, he knew why Alex was here. Everyone saw him rushing off of the set, and he probably got texted about it by someone. He wouldn't be surprised if you were avoiding your desk to keep from being questioned or questioning him yourself.

"What's wrong, Spencer?" Alex asked nonchalantly as he picked up a pen from your desk, grabbing a sticky note as he began to doodle.

A small laugh left Spencer as he shook his head, roling his eyes. Alex raised a brow as he glanced over, not believing the act that was being put on.

"I'm good, I just wasn't feeling great. I think Josh tried to poison me." Spencer chuckled, turning back to his monitor, effectively ending their conversation.

Alex huffed, nodding as he placed the pen back into the cup he'd pulled it from. He stood from your chair, placing the sticky note to the corner of Spencer's monitor.

"Well, if you're lying and you wanna talk, I'm here." He smiled softly as Spencer nodded, mumbling a thanks.

Spencer placed his headphones on, his eyes drawn to the bright green paper covered in different doodles of dicks.

You made your way to Rachel's desk after you'd finished your lunch, pouting as you arrived. She cooed, pouting over dramatically back at you.

"What's up, buttercup?" She grinned, causing you to smile softly, her warmth radiating. You didn't want to leave work early today, but your headache just seemed to get worse.

Today was your announcement day. Rachel, Kiana, and Lizzy had spent weeks picking the photos you and Spencer were to post, which videos would be coming out immediately after the announcement video itself, and helping find everything you need this far before the actual wedding.

Rachel had specific instructions on when you and Spencer needed to post to your different social medias; the schedule outlined perfectly in your calendar by Erin.

You let her know that you were heading home but you promised up and down, pinkies wrapped together and all, that you wouldn't miss it.

You let your walk drag on as you headed back to your desk, your nerves only making your headache worse as you dreaded the possibility of seeing Spencer again. This wasn't usual, you'd never once wished not to see him. You normally spent so much of your alone time wishing you were alone with him.

You found yourself exhaling a breath you didn't know you were holding as you were greeted with empty chairs and blank screens.

You rushed to grab your things, no idea just how quickly he'd be to return. You pulled an irish exit as you left the building, longing for the comfort of your bed and your kitty.

Spencer hadn't planned on leaving his desk anytime soon. He didn't have any upcoming deadlines to meet, but he did need a distraction. Maybe these next few months of wedding-less videos was for the best.

Maybe the distance between the two of you was for the best at this point. He fucked up, and the realization of just how terrible the situation he'd put you two in was finally setting in.

You two were getting married over a stupid joke and he's still in love with you. He's definitely fallen so much more in love with you in this time, but that probably isn't a good thing.

His phone buzzed, causing him to jump a bit, lost in his thoughts again.

"come to my office need ur opinion"

"seriously come here spencer I will drag you here"

He felt a tug at the corner of his lips as the second message came through.

"otw calm down"

He rubbed his eyes, saving his work before trudging down the hall and into Kiana's office, sliding himself into the seat in front of her desk as she chuckles, shaking her head.

"Hey," Kiana began softly, her brows furrowed as she glanced at Spencer, noticing just how tired he looked. "Are you oka-"

"I'm okay." Spencer cut her off, sitting up in the seat, finally fed up.

"I swear l'm okay. Why does everyone keep asking me if l'm okay?" Spencer scoffed, shrugging. Kiana was quick to forgive him, knowing that Spencer's anger wasn't directed at her.

"Because you're obviously not okay, dude. Can you at least tell me what's wrong? don't have to give you advice if you don't want it, just think you should get it off your chest, Spence Kiana reasoned, desperate to allow him the space to vent.

Spencer slumped back into the seat again, glancing over his shoulder to ensure that the door has closed behind him before he looked back to Kiana, the concern in her eyes causing his guilt to grow.

"This stays between us, everything I say, okay?" Spencer sounded almost desperate as he looked to Kiana with his brows raised, crossing his arms over his chest. She nodded, sitting back as her silence encouraged him to speak.

"I love Y/N so fucking much and it's making this so hard. I didn't even think that would happen want it to be real so badly. It feels so natural I almost want to believe that she loves me too." Spencer chewed his lip as Kiana nodded her head, humming in thought. She always has to stall when she was in these situations. You two often bitched about your feelings to her, leaving her to find quick ways to cover up her knowledge.

She refused to meddle with your relationship, no matter how badly she wanted to. Kiana never revealed that the two of you liked each other, but she could try her best to hint at it.

"Why can't she want the same thing? There's no way to tell that she isn't feeling the same exact way that you are." Kiana sighed as an alarm went off on Spencer's phone, cursing under his breath.

How was it 4PM already? He had planned to be with you when you posted your photos to instagram, expecting to see a message or call from you when he checked his phone. His throat felt dry as he found nothing. Kiana looked to him with worry once more as Spencer's face fell.

"ls Y/N here?" He asked, brows furrowed as he began selecting the pictures from his camera roll slowly, still holding out some hope.

"No, she left a few hours ago, she felt terrible." Kiana shook her head as Spencer looked up to her, his heart falling into his stomach at her Words.

Was this his fault? He hadn't thought you'd stress this much over him. Maybe you were stressing about the whole thing. It had just hit Spencer just how deep into this you were, maybe itd just hit you as well.

He quickly hit post, expecting to see a notification of your post shortly after. He waits a few minutes, aimlessly refreshing his feed before finally locking his phone and shoving it into his pocket.

"Ki, I'm gonna stay home tomorrow, I'll work on my editing still, I just don't really wanna be here." Spencer spoke softly as he stood, Kiana following his actions, nodding softly. She rounded the desk, enveloping him into a warm hug. Kiana gave him a gentle squeeze as she rubbed his back.

"Let me know if you need anything." She smiled, walking him to the door before watching him sprint down the hall.

Spencer had exactly twenty eight minutes until the video was posted. Rachel had wanted to build the excitement beforehand, small hints being left in the other videos posted this week.

He wanted to be as far away from the building as possible when the video was posted, there was no way he could handle the chaos at the building without you. He was so grateful your in time was later than his, causing him to drive himself to work this morning, a rarity nowadays.

Spencer grabbed everything and left without any goodbyes. He went home and went through his routines, but stayed as far from his phone as possible, spending most of the night editing as a means for distraction.

As Spencer brushed his teeth, refusing to look at himself in the mirror, scared to see the tired man staring back at him, a buzz of his phone catches his attention. He finally unlocks it, his feed opening where he had left it. Your post appeared at the top, having been made just minutes ago. Six hours and nineteen minutes after the scheduled time with zero explanation.

Was this a point you were trying to prove? He thought you really cared about this, Spencer believed you two had been on the same page with that at least.

This didn't feel like you, you were punctual, you apologize for being minutes late to meetings. This felt almost intentional.

Meanwhile, you awoke in a panic, your vision blurry as you rubbed your eyes. Your phone buzzed on your nightstand. You unlock it to what seemed like hundreds of notifications, your sleepy fog clearly quickly as you cursed loudly.

Your cat, Craig, jumped from his spot at the edge of your bed, quickly darting down the hall as he meowed loudly.

Your fingers moved just as quickly as your cat as you made your post, sending it off before you sent off many, many apology texts to everyone freaking out over your silence and tardiness. Kiana felt a weight lift from her shoulders as your apology lit up her screen, quickly followed by a request to stay home, pulling a chuckle from your friend.

Spencer and you could avoid each other tomorrow, but probably not much longer.

You two were getting married, for fuck's sake.

[mrsbluehands]

The creeps and their ice cream!

Headcanon (x reader)

Creepypasta

Silly Headcanon I had in mind. Who doesn't like ice-cream? (No offense if you don't XD)

Tw: none

Pronouns: Gn

-

Jeff the killer: He's a classic. Chocolate. Or well anything with chocolate. He's a little shameful about it since it reminds him of his childhood when he and Liu would run after the ice-cream truck to get their sweet treats. You can ask to share, but not sure he'll ever give up on his ice-cream.

Eyeless Jack: He can't have ice-cream (it's a monster thing), but I'm pretty sure that if he could he would be as simple as vanilla. He likes the smell of it when you eat yours. Would of course buy you one every time he goes out. He finds it funny when you get some on your nose and cheeks.

BEN drowned: Bubble gum. He's still a child at heart and this colourful ice-cream is making him nostalgic. Please give him one and cheer him up. He'll soon associate his favourite ice-cream with the quality time he can spend with you.

Masky: Mint and chocolate. It's taste is fresh and a little bitter. It reminds him of the cold air of the forest in winter and his long walks with you on his rare days off. He's not a fan of sweetness, but loves the bitterness of the dark chocolate. Will always buy you one too so you can enjoy the moment with him.

Hoodie: Caramel syrup (no. Not because of the colour of his hoodie) with vanilla ice-cream. He likes when the caramel is hot and melts the cold ice cream under. He can eat his ice-cream all year long, this man is never cold. He surprisingly has a sweet tooth, but you're the only one who's aloud to know. If you eat it in the winter, he's wrap his arms around you so you don't get too cold while eating your cold dessert.

Ticci Toby: He's also a chocolate lover but especially chocolate chips. Just a fan of sweet things (unlike Masky). It makes him forget how life is hard sometimes. Will totally feed it to you, but you are both laughing as he gets some everywhere on you face, but on your tongue. At the end you'll both end up with ice-cream in your hair, nose and on your face, but it's a moment you both cherish.

Liu Woods: Vanilla, but he likes when there's a special flavour on the menu too! Doesn't like to take decisions so he always took the same flavour when he went to the ice-cream truck with his brother. When you two eat ice-cream, he asks you to pick something to add on top of the treat. Will trust you blindly, so please don't play with him (Like that time when you convinced him that pickles were good with vanilla, he did accept your apology though).

Jane the killer: (For the aesthetic) Black vanilla. She just loves to colour and the natural scent of vanilla. Nothing to do with the artificial one! If you buy one for her, she'll probably just look at it and won't take a bite because of how pretty it looks. Nothing compares to you though no worries!

Bloody painter: The king of aesthetic, he loves red ice-cream whether it's cherry, raspberry, blueberry... anything as long as it's red he like it. Not much of a sweet tooth, but like the taste of fruits a lot. He might even try to paint with it (spoiler: it won't work). His favourite way to enjoy his treat is with you. If you squint you will probably be able to witness one of his rare smiles as he shyly reaches for you hand.

Clockwork: Any flavour. She is the type to go for the weird limited one that changes once a week even if it sounds disgusting. She's a dangerous woman, what can I say. For that reason, you probably won't be sharing (unless it's really terrible, then you feel bad seeing her face each time she takes a lick). Will also put some on your nose just to have the excuse to lick it off. She thinks you are adorable when you blush.<3

-

Seems like I had inspiration for that one! Hope you enjoyed!

[muselixer]

dumb things my friends and I have said: 2024!

part one: january - march apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for foul and dirty language, suggestiveness, and capslock-implied yelling :)

"I think [hometown] dirt would taste better than the dirt here because it contains a level of lead I've grown used to."

"Incorrect. I am not a mother fucker. I have never fucked a mother."

"Your authoritarianism is quite insatiable."

"He absolutely pulls his limbs off for funsies."

"There's a Pope in the road again!"

"Get a tramp stamp that says 'this is no place for a horse'."

"Have you perhaps considered experiencing natural sunlight? No I'm genuinely asking."

"Everybody wants to see Santa's cock and balls!"

"I think calling physical food in front of you "cuisine" is incorrect."

"Hey Google, unshit my jorts."

"DON'T MAKE ME WHIP OUT MY VAGINA HOLE."

"Ayo, what them balls do, king?"

"It goes hard in a hard way."

"THIS DUDE FARPIN' FOR TWENTY DOLLARS."

"I'll be there in Sprite."

"Get all this Jesus outta the way so I can eat my dinner!"

"With my luck, it could be raining titties, and I'd still look up and catch a dick."

"You must be smoking chicken fried dick if you think I give a chicken fried fuck."

"It is ready for gripping at all times. ...That's what she said!"

"I want that fucking twink in a blender."

"Aw hell nah, they used my boy as a plot device!"

"I meant, as to the condition of the Italian."

"Gimme some of that peepee in the mouth."

"Tell her that her son is cringe."

"A scallop is like a brother to me."

"I blame your astigmatism on your brother."

"She got a cooch like Grand Central Station."

"I BET YOUR PICKLES AREN'T EVEN CRISP."

"Yes, I am a little stupid. It's part of my charm."

"There's a specific kind of white boy that I would... you know."

"Man, don't do this to me. I'm gonna get sads in my ramen."

"Wow, okay, orphan. Who killed YOUR dad?"

"Hell yeah, let me power that rock, daddy."

"Keep sniffing me and I'll peg you."

"I'd get MY interior designed, if you know what I'm saying."

"I think I just get possessed by Chad the frat guy."

"He's what the color lime smells like."

"Can't hear you. Too busy barking."

"...I didn't wanna have to be homophobic today."

"Yehowdy, y'all should vote for me, Mayor Weenis."

"One man complained about the viagra commercial because he was having sex for five hours straight."

"I was busy fighting math."

"I am like a horse. I will not elaborate."

"PICK UP YOUR TITTIES BY YOUR BRA STRAPS."

"Sometimes I hate you and your stupid nipples."

"We have to do super-blow in the hospital."

"The highway to Hell has guard rails!"